People Are Worried Out Of Their Mind In These "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
22. AITJ For Declining My Roommate's Birthday Invite Because I Was Excluded?
“I live with 2 other people. When I moved in, we started getting really close and hung out together all the time.
We would cook together, watch films, go out, and do a bunch of silly stuff. About a year ago, these two started excluding me from their activities. This ranged from little things such as going for a simple walk around the block to attending a concert for an artist I openly talked about, without me.
Of course, they are not obliged to ask me to join every activity they do, but it was still very random and suspicious how fast I was excluded for no particular reason.
Long story short, I confronted them; we (more or less) talked it out, they apologized, and we started to hang out again.
(Mind you, I specifically asked them if there was anything I had done that might have made them feel uncomfortable, anything that I could do to better myself as a friend, and they completely denied any wrongdoing on my part.)
Now, for 6 months, one of them (Roomie A) has left to work for a company outside the country.
The other roomie and I got along pretty well, watched shows together, had chit-chats, and so on. I would often mention how nice it would be if the other roomie were here as well, and we all kind of started making plans for when we would be united. Guess what?
Ever since Roomie A came back, everything is happening again. I am fully ignored and excluded. I am very positive that there is no malicious intent, but rather the fact that I don’t have the same interests as they do, and that’s okay. But it still hurt.
I am not the type of person to confront again and try to be their friend, so I started to completely ignore them and move on. I have not been saying hello; I have been very distant, dry, and probably very passive-aggressive in my behavior, as they are basically glued together whether in the living room or the kitchen.
For a few months now, Roomie B and I have not exchanged any words other than a dry “hi” or some cleaning complaints in the group chat (they themselves and their entire family have unfollowed me on social media as well…). Roomie A sometimes talks to me when I see them in the kitchen, and we discuss vague topics and work-related stuff.
A few days ago, I actually received a message in which Roomie A invited me to their birthday, and I declined because there was no way that after so many months of nothing but pure tension, I would show up and act like nothing was going on.
I cannot and will not act like everything is fine. So now, Roomie A has also slowly stopped talking to me.
I am totally fine with losing those friendships. Apparently, this has happened before with others. I strongly believe that this is a very immature situation that could have been avoided by communicating early and directly.
I just don’t want to be the one to bring it up again, especially now that it is a bit too late in my opinion.
So yeah, it all comes down to the one question: AITJ for avoiding any further gatherings with them, resulting in more distance and tension between us?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You already told them how you felt once, and unless they’re both completely lacking self-awareness, they know exactly what they’re doing and how it makes you feel. Very unkind and inconsiderate. They also unfollowed you on social media, which is kind of the modern age “we’re not friends anymore,” so I think protecting your peace by not socializing with them and declining this invitation is fine.
You’re just roommates now and that’s okay. It sucks to lose friendships, but they don’t sound worth your time.” Els-09
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. And I’m really sorry you had this happen. It’s so confusing when you find yourself outside with no context. I’ve legitimately not gone to ‘good friends’ events during times when your actions do not align with your words.
Protecting your peace is allowed.” WaferDramatic9063
Another User Comments:
“Honestly, I’d say No jerks here, potential slight YTJ. OP, I’m sorry to say this, but you’re just not a best friend to these people. It’s clear that they feel closer to each other than to you.
And it can suck to be that third wheel; I get it, but also, it is what it is. You need to accept that. You should never have to put effort in for people who wouldn’t do the same, but also… Do you know there’s such a thing as casual friends, too?
Just because they don’t invite you to go out with them and they’re not close with you, you now refuse to even speak to them? That’s weird and a gross overreaction in my opinion. Again, I’m sorry because it sounds like you used to be best friends and you’re not anymore—that hurts, but it’s normal and a part of life.
No need to make the whole living situation untenable. Just be friendly and look for best friends elsewhere like everyone else.” Crayfish_Audio
21. AITJ For Refusing My MIL's Birthday Nursery Art Gift?
“My husband (32m) and I (30f) are expecting our first child this June. Both our families have been supportive and understandably excited.
We recently vacated a room that will soon become the nursery. My husband mentioned to my MIL that he was thinking of giving the room a fresh coat of paint while I was away during a specific week in February.
The following week, she said she was going to take time off work and make the drive (4 hours) to come stay at our house and help him paint. He told her it wasn’t a good time for him with work, and that he wasn’t even sure he’d end up painting then—it was just a casual idea.
Since then, she brought it up at least 5 times to us both, asking us to let her know when we’ll be painting so that she can come and help. We’ve been non-committal because the paint job will really be just a few hours of work, and we weren’t looking for help.
We’re already visiting her city twice in April, and then she’ll be coming to visit us again in May, so it’s also not necessary for her to plan an extra trip.
She’s asked what else we’ve done to set up the nursery, and I told her I wanted to wait until after my shower in April to begin purchasing what wasn’t gifted from my registry.
She knows we’ve intentionally bought nothing for it ourselves and have no plans to touch it until then.
Last week, my husband was passing through her city and she gave him a belated birthday gift. It’s a piece of wall art for the nursery that’s related to the theme we told her we’d be using, but it doesn’t match the items I’d already picked (which she could see on the registry), and it’s also just not really my taste.
She told him that if he doesn’t like it in OUR nursery, she’ll put it up in the nursery she has in her house for the grandkids (our child will be her second).
When my husband came home, I told him I didn’t want to put it in our nursery because it feels like she’s being pushy (with this and the painting) and trying to nest for our baby preemptively on my behalf, after I’ve made it clear I have something specific in mind and won’t be actioning it for a couple of months.
Offering to put it in her house instead feels like a tactic to force us to tell her point-blank that we don’t want to use it, and my husband has an extremely hard time with those kinds of conversations. It feels manipulative, especially as a birthday gift instead of as a baby gift at the shower she’s coming to this April.
I’m not going to use the art, and I don’t feel bad about it. But my husband thinks we should use it anyway because it’ll be awkward if we don’t, and it isn’t a big deal. I told her if he feels awkward, I’m happy to have a conversation with his mom to explain that I wanted to pick things out for the nursery myself, and what she gave us doesn’t fit with what I had in mind.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“So she has offered to help paint the house after your Husband mentioned that you two were going to do it. She followed up on this a few times, but you’ve seen her 2 times this year. Then she has the nerve to buy some artwork that’s related to your theme, and if you don’t like it, she’ll take it back and hang it in her house.
You don’t like it, but don’t want to give it back to her because you feel she is playing games. YES, it is your house, and your baby, BUT there has to be more to your disdain for your MIL than you write in this post. Everything you write about seems to be an interested grandmother who offered to help and bought some decorations.
You are elevating this to a game, but I don’t see where that comes from in your post. Only based on how this is drafted, YTJ.” catskilkid
Another User Comments:
“I don’t know your history with her, but just based on this, YTJ. It seems like she just wants to spend time with you and her son and doesn’t feel like she can visit without a reason.
If she has a history of being pushy and overbearing, then I understand your frustration. Edit: I just reread and noticed that she’s the one who said if you don’t like it she’ll put it in her nursery. What’s the issue?
She gave you an out on her own. She seems pretty great, honestly.” pinkpink0430
Another User Comments:
“As I see it, she volunteered to help you out, you didn’t want it, that doesn’t qualify you as a jerk. She pushed, but she hadn’t overtaken your house.
That being said, your MIL is obviously excited, you told her about the nursery theme, she gave your husband, her SON, a belated birthday gift related to your nursery theme that didn’t go with your idea of what you wanted for the nursery—does that make you a jerk?
No. Your MIL suggested that if you don’t want to put it in your nursery, then she will put it in hers, which seems like a nice solution. She isn’t forcing her gift on you. You don’t like it, fine, but she gave it to your husband, not you.
In all honesty, what to do with the gift should be your husband’s decision. And not understanding that or taking in your MIL’s alternate suggestion is what makes you a jerk. So YTJ.” BoredofBin
20. AITJ For Paying Off My Partners Debt Without Asking?
“Recently I’m having a big fallout with my partner of four years, and I don’t understand why she’s angry. I have this amazing partner; we’ll call her Amy. She’s the best partner you’ll ever meet—she’s kind, understanding, and makes the best omelette in the world.
She’s very poor, though she has always been; she was raised by a single mother, and they struggled throughout her childhood. I come from the opposite background. I know I’m very privileged, but she and I have been friends for years after a chance meeting.
She has always been a great partner, and we don’t argue often, but when we do, it’s about money. Not as you would think—she just doesn’t like it when I spend money on her, and I can’t understand it. I would gift her nice jewelry, but she always seemed to dislike it.
Being love-struck and upgraded, I bought her a new car during a big argument that time, and she told me she didn’t want me to waste money on her; she’d rather I spend that kind of money on something important. But she is important, and I want to spoil her.
I learned that she appreciated things more if they were directly given to her. If I bought a necklace for myself and didn’t like it, she would accept it. So I started buying her things, pretending they were for me and that I didn’t want them; she would accept, and things were going well.
I want to propose soon, but she wants to pay off her debts first so that we have a clean slate to start on. I’ve known this since the beginning; she works hard to pay them. She doesn’t pay rent or any utilities in my house; I don’t let her, even if she tries.
Last week, with the help of her mother, I paid off her student loans. I thought it would be a nice gift to her, considering it was her birthday, but once everyone left, she blew up on me like never before. I’ve never seen her so angry.
She told me I crossed a line: that she was working hard to pay it off, and I ruined that, and that I was a jerk for involving her mom in my schemes. What she really said that stuck with me was:
“You can’t understand why I’m angry because you’ve never had to struggle and you’ve never felt the pride of finally doing something yourself.”
Another User Comments:
“Ok love. I understand you want to give the world as you know it to your partner, and that your partner wanted to accomplish this goal before getting married. Doing this without talking to her comes off as manipulating her into your world without her consent.
At the same time, hyper-independence is a trauma response from always having to work hard for everything in your life and not trusting anyone to help you. And most importantly, having learned the hard way and deeply believing that nothing comes for free, she will feel like it’s pity or charity, or that she now owes you.
That’s why she might struggle with you doing nice things for her. The answer is to apologize, tell her that you want to understand, and then truly listen and be genuinely curious about her reasoning. Then, tell her that giving her things makes you feel happy and that it’s how you show you care for her.
Ask if there are things she would simply let you do for her. Stop pretending things are for you and do not lie—that will only break the trust she’s slowly building. No A’s here. Wishing you the best. Edit to add: No jerks here, and OP, please read the notes below about therapy (together and individually) and striving to understand.
Good luck!” Aiywa
Another User Comments:
“Okay YTJ but it seems like you genuinely don’t know why, so I’ll explain… You and your partner have extremely different life experiences, and because she grew up without money while you apparently have lots of money, that’s something she’s self-conscious about (probably, putting myself in her shoes as a person who grew up poor).
You keep paying for things for her, and it’s easy for her to think you see her as some kind of charity case. Plus, she doesn’t want to put herself in a position where your loved ones and friends could possibly call her a gold digger (not saying they would do that, but she’s trying to avoid even the chance of it).
She has told you, by the sounds of it, more than once, that she DOES NOT want you spending lots of money on her. You did it anyway, so not only did you completely disregard her request, but you also stomped on a goal she was trying to meet through hard work and determination (paying off her debt).
Yes, you did it for what you thought were good reasons, but you did it for you, not her. You assume she wants fancy jewellery and a flashy car, but guess what—when you grow up poor, that stuff can make you feel really uncomfortable and ill at ease.
The fact that you cannot see her perspective at all, despite being with her for four years, tells me you have done nothing to truly understand her life and her mentality towards money and wealth. And to rope her mom in to help you do it in secret (because you knew she’d never accept it—come on, let’s be honest) makes it even worse.
Now you have her distrusting her only parent because she went behind her back and colluded with you.” chasingkaty
Another User Comments:
“I want to give gifts. I want to clear her debt. I want to buy her gifts so I can feel good. Me, me, me.
You don’t respect your partner. You don’t listen to her. You don’t care one bit what she wants, her dreams, or what’s important to HER. You like the idea of her because you don’t give a crap about the real person who uses her words and explains why she dislikes things.
So shallow. You think you can buy her love because you don’t think she’s important anyway. YTJ—maybe use some of that money for therapy. Learn how to respect people, how to listen to them, and how not to use their mothers to manipulate and force them.” Rohini_rambles
19. AITJ For Being Upset That My Fiancé's Mother Announced Our Engagement Without Permission?
“I got engaged recently (hurray!) and it was the most amazing day ever. My fiancé is M20s and I’m F20s. We called each set of parents to let them know, and within four hours, my MIL-to-be posted about our engagement with a couple of pics from our cell phones, saying she was to be a mother-in-law.
This was distressing to my fiancé and me, as we were calling friends and family to tell them and waiting for some professional pictures from our photographer before announcing publicly. We were also under the impression that this was proper etiquette and social understanding to not announce big things (engagement, wedding, babies, etc.) ahead of the couple.
My fiancé decided to call his mother and express his discontent with it, and it was an emotional conversation; after which she removed the post. She did get quite defensive and wasn’t quite willing to listen to his feelings about it, saying things like “I didn’t know,” “I can’t say anything other than I’m sorry,” etc. After that phone call, they seemed to just need time to cool down.
Well, we got the photos from the photographer the next day or so and decided to share (since we’d finally made all our rounds), and she shared the post starting with “if they’ll forgive me, I’m excited…” which felt odd to us.
My family and our mutual friends thought it was odd and kind of self-centered to share our engagement announcement like that. My fiancé called his mother and once again expressed discontent with that, stating that we didn’t want conflict around our engagement, as we believed that people would ask about that line.
Things got heated between them, and she got defensive, saying things to the effect of “tell me what to do, don’t tell me what you dislike” and “I just won’t share anything about you guys anymore,” etc. His father stepped in and essentially said she didn’t mean harm and that my fiancé should apologize for upsetting his mother.
My fiancé explained that he didn’t feel like he was wrong and that he did not overreact as they claimed. It was an overall very heated conversation, with pressure from his father to apologize and mend things, as his mother was upset by the conversations they’d had.
My family and our mutual friends all lean towards that this isn’t something he should apologize for, as he wasn’t mean and was trying to stick up for us, but we wanted outside opinions. Are we the jerk by being hurt about this and/or not apologizing?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but strap in, if this is how your engagement is starting off, you’re in for a lifetime of boundary stomping. Good for your fiancé for not letting it slide. That said, I do think you need to tell her not to share so there is nothing left to interpretation.” yramt
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Most of us don’t assume our family is psychic. This is an age where everything gets shared on social media as soon as people are aware of it. When you choose a wedding date, and when you are expecting that first child, if you do or don’t want baby pics posted online, tell them what you do and don’t want shared. Especially with wedding and baby pictures.
If you need to, also show them how to secure their social media and make it so that their posts can’t be shared.” becoming_maxine
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Why are there so many No jerks here and YTJ? The MIL seems to lean toward narcissistic tendencies.
She didn’t post that she was excited her son was getting married; instead, she focused on the fact that she was becoming a MIL—that’s so weird, and I’ve literally never heard anyone posting an announcement like that. When she was called out, she was whiny and overreacted with her follow-up post. Like, the MIL is a grown woman, and she’s acting like a high schooler.
It’s common courtesy not to share news that isn’t yours to tell. I’m glad you have a partner who stands up to his mother! Congratulations on your engagement! I hope the planning process goes smoothly and you don’t have interference from your future MIL.” HiddenWallflower13
18. AITJ For Not Helping My Toxic Ex-Friend Land A Job?
“So let’s call this guy Sam. Sam was my senior in college, and we used to be close friends.
We used to hang out a lot and eventually started having feelings for each other. However, Sam said he wasn’t ready for a commitment, and although that broke my heart, I decided to move on. But he wouldn’t like it whenever I would talk or hang out with other guys, and he would fight with me about it.
His behavior became really toxic, and it took a toll on our friendship.
After he graduated, he moved to a different city, and we barely kept in contact (we still followed each other on social media). I realized that he would only reach out when he needed something—like a favor of any kind, or sometimes financial help (he lost his father a few years ago, and his family wasn’t doing well at the time)—and I did help him as much as I could back then as I still considered him a good friend.
He then started seeing someone, but he would call or text me in the middle of the night and talk about how much he misses me, and he wished he were seeing me instead. I told him I didn’t reciprocate his feelings, and honestly, it disgusted me that he was reaching out to me this way while he was seeing someone else.
I only thought of him as a friend, and he shouldn’t cross that line. But he continued behaving weirdly with me, and it made me really uncomfortable. My other friends never liked him either and always called him a narcissist, so I took their advice and finally blocked him.
It’s been 4 years since I’ve had no contact whatsoever with Sam. I am now working at an MNC and I’m at a mid-senior position. He recently reached out to me through social media and said he applied for an open position in my company, but he hasn’t received a call for an interview yet.
It would be helpful to him if I could check with the hiring manager and even put in a good word referring him for the said position. He also asked me to help him prep for the interview once he gets a call.
Now the role is in the same department as mine, and the hiring manager is my peer.
Although I have no idea if Sam would actually be a good fit for the role—and frankly, I don’t really care enough to put in a good word for him—if he did get hired for the job, I would definitely be professional with him at work and not let our history affect us in any way.
But that being said, right now I feel no obligation to go out of my way to help him get this job.
So I told him there’s nothing I can do to help him out here. He has already applied for the job. If his profile fits the role, the recruiting team will contact him, and I wish him all the best. He called me a jerk for not doing what he asked me and said that I am being petty and selfish, among other words.
Perhaps I am being petty here, but I think it’s still up to me to decide who deserves my help. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“A friend is someone who helps you in some way, whether it’s emotional support or financial support or any combination that benefits you while you support them.
It doesn’t need to always be equal (often it will be a wave of more and less depending on each person’s situation) but it does require contributions from both sides. It is not a “request” if he attacks you for not choosing to do what he asks.
He is making demands and ignoring how you feel. He is demanding that you risk your work reputation on someone you no longer know and have very good reason not to trust. Perhaps you should consider talking to the hiring manager and provide purely factual information about your former friend so they can make their decision with complete information.
NTJ” Relatents
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – You have to realize that as much as you would strive to have only a professional working relationship with this man, if he worked in the same department as you, he would most definitely make your job extremely uncomfortable and would no doubt cause problems for you.
After so many years without contact, he still felt entitled enough to demand your help getting the job. If he worked with you, what else would he feel entitled to from you? I think you did the fair thing by staying out of the interview process altogether.
If he happens to get an interview and you know he’s being considered, I don’t think it would be wrong to have a conversation with the hiring manager about what you’ve experienced of this man’s character.” SummerCompassArt
Another User Comments:
“Not just NTJ for not helping him; he is a high risk for putting your personal and professional life into chaos if he were to be hired. You already know that he crosses boundaries with you, that he has had a long-standing, inappropriate interest in you, and inserts himself into your life inappropriately.
Now he wants proximity to your professional life. He has shown that he feels entitled to your help, despite the truth of his history with you, because he twists his view of that history to serve his personal agenda. And now you have seen him lash out when you don’t do what he wants.
Yikes! It seems like a very good thing that he hasn’t been called for an interview.” swillshop
17. AITJ For Showing Home Videos While Mom Was Brushing Her Teeth?
“This happened about an hour ago. My brother (16) and I (19F) took our dog for a walk today to the park. Since there was no one at the park, we decided to have some fun while there.
I took some videos at the park, mostly of my dog chasing the zip line while my brother was on it, and of him hitting icicles off the edge of the play equipment, nothing fancy. I also took a video in front of our house before we left of my dog jumping to get said icicles, which my mother watched from the window.
Fast forward to tonight, we were watching I Love Lucy. Both my parents fell asleep during the episode and woke up right at the end. My mom immediately got up to go brush her teeth and go to bed. It is important to note that she has been going to bed early recently.
I remembered that I hadn’t seen the videos yet and decided to AirPlay them to the TV. There weren’t that many, and like I said, they were nothing revolutionary. There was probably about 5 minutes total of video. Anyway, I finished showing all the videos just as my mom came back into the room.
She was really upset at me for not waiting until she was done brushing her teeth to show the videos because she didn’t feel included. This is obviously understandable, so I told her I could show them again and that the only reason I didn’t wait was because I thought she was going to bed. She didn’t say anything and just walked upstairs.
I thought it was over, but maybe two minutes later she came back downstairs extremely upset. My dad told her she was being overdramatic, to which she said she had a right to be upset. Before going back upstairs, she said “you guys don’t need me anyway.” I obviously felt really bad because I probably should have waited, and I didn’t realize it mattered so much to her.
I also didn’t really say anything or directly apologize when she came back down.
So yeah, I just wanted an objective opinion. Am I the jerk for not waiting to show the videos, or even for not properly apologizing?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you apologized and thought your mom was going to bed. Does your mom often act like this or has she maybe been included less in things lately?
Try including her in things more if that’s the case. Everyone wants to feel loved and wanted, even our parents.” MadmSpicyCake
Another User Comments:
“No, you’re not, but she is obviously upset. You obviously didn’t mean to, but it did hurt her feelings and it’s okay to apologize even when you didn’t mean to do something.
It’s like bumping into someone on accident and apologizing. No one can tell her somethingthat didn’t hurt her feelings. They are her feelings. She’s not overreacting. She’s just reacting.” Itsamemerissa
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, neither you nor your mum intentionally avoided showing it to her; you just misunderstood that she was going to bed. But she felt like that because, let me tell you, it’s a mom thing.
They tend to think you don’t like them and that you are better off without them, even though they know that it’s not the case. Confusing, right? But yes, the solution to this is to just apologize to her. Go hug her and tell her that you are sorry and that you thought she was going to bed. Follow her everywhere and kiss her and hug her until she forgives you.
Hahahahaha, I don’t mean you did something wrong but, like, you are her daughter and she is upset because she feels like she isn’t included, so there’s nothing wrong with showing her love.” nabashhh21
16. AITJ For Refusing To Apologize For Comparing My Seizure Disorder To My Friend's Illness?
“My (F24) friend (F25 / “Kelly”) had a small birthday party with friends last night. Most of these friends I knew, but I was meeting a new friend of hers for the first time. The party was going well, and I introduced myself to a friend of hers whom I was not familiar with.
I asked how she had met Kelly, and she said that they had met through a local community group and bonded through talking about their chronic illnesses. Kelly has POTS, which has understandably been super difficult for her at times. Her friend mentioned having EDS and sharing similar difficulties as Kelly.
In an attempt to empathize, I mentioned that I have a seizure disorder and understood how hard it could be to deal with judgmental doctors and an unsupportive family during struggles. She looked a bit confused and said, “Well, that’s not really the same.” I asked her to clarify, and she began looking uncomfortable, mentioned needing to get a drink, and went to speak with Kelly.
After a few minutes, Kelly came up to me and asked why I had downplayed her friend’s chronic illness. I was caught off guard and said that I was just trying to relate based on my own experiences with seizures. She rolled her eyes at me and said, “Well, you don’t remember those and don’t have to deal with the same pain that we do.
It’s hard enough to not be taken seriously by doctors. I expected more from you.” She asked that I apologize to her friend, and I refused, more upset by the fact that she was dismissing the multiple injuries and accidents that I had suffered because of seizures.
I have to admit, I got really upset and didn’t want to say something I’d regret, so I told her to have a nice birthday and then left.
Ever since last night, I’ve been receiving texts from her and a few mutual friends, upset that I left early.
Part of me feels like the jerk, but another part thinks that the situation was blown out of proportion when it was just a misunderstanding.
For additional context: I’ve had a seizure disorder since I was a kid. It was mostly controlled until a few years ago, and the medication I was taking began to lose its effectiveness.
I had a breakthrough seizure while driving and got into a really bad accident. I now have multiple seizures a month, which has completely upended my life. Kelly is aware of this and the effect it’s had on my mental health.”
Another User Comments:
“Some illnesses are severe, some are chronic and some are frequent. EDS is chronic. POTS is frequent. Seizures are severe. You cannot compare them, all of them affect people and their quality of life. However, having known people who suffer from EDS, POTS, and seizures, only one diagnosis required a teacher to make 30 little kids aware of what to do in an emergency!
So how dare they minimise your difficulties.” Coffee4Redhead
Another User Comments:
“NTJ…Kathy and her friend did exactly what she inferred you were doing….they downplayed your chronic illness. Just because yours is different does not mean it is any less than what they struggle with.
Unless they have direct knowledge and have felt what you have and what you have gone through, their illnesses do not trump yours. Kathy owes you the apology.” Worth-Season3645
Another User Comments:
“Not only did you not “not take seriously” Kelly’s friend’s issue, but Kelly did exactly that, to YOU!
Because you don’t remember your seizure and don’t deal with chronic physical pain, it doesn’t count. Kelly is an idiot! You empathized with this friend and discussed similar struggles – you weren’t trying to one up her. And if we’re trying to talk about chronic pain, just for the record, nothing I’ve found about POTS indicated that it’s a painful condition.
It might be uncomfortable and scary, but not physically painful. Kelly and her crony are both jerks and owe YOU a huge apology, but honestly, I can’t imagine why you’d want to spend time with either of them. NTJ. I hope you are able to find a way to get your seizures better controlled and regain control of your life!
Keep up the good fight.” mumtaz2004
15. AITJ For Reaching My Breaking Point And Telling My Ex To Leave, Only To End Up With An Empty House?
“So this all happened months ago, the day started off bad. It was 8 am and we were already mad at each other from an argument that happened last night. So throughout the whole day, she’s not talking to me.
She’s playing games with my sister on her Switch, just completely ignoring me and basically not caring that I’m upset. And that’s what pushed me to my limit. For the last year of our relationship, every time we argued, she’d always find a way to make it my fault.
I’d be the one apologizing even if she was clearly in the wrong. Or if she knew I was upset, she wouldn’t talk to me all day, and she would go on about her life. But when she gets upset, I would always go in to try and fix things.
I felt like she never cared about me emotionally.
So, back to that day’s argument. I left to get out of the house. She texts me, accusing me of being unfaithful. She texts me “go ahead and be unfaithful, freaking” and that’s what set me off.
I’m already irritated, upset, and sad, and she wanted to talk to me like that. She wanted to say I meant “fr” but the “n” & the “r” are on opposite sides of the Apple keyboard. So I call her; she ignores it. I call her again; nothing happens.
I call my sister, and she texts me, “no, don’t put her in the middle.” So I call her again; she finally picks up, and she’s like “What do you want?” again, dumbfounded because she’s just blatantly being disrespectful at this point.
After everything I did and do for her, she couldn’t even show a little emotion.
So, in that phone call, I told her “Ykw, just pack your bags and get out right now.” She tore the house up, made a mess, and spray-painted my truck before she left. I mean, I kinda feel bad because she claims she had nowhere to go, but right now she’s staying at her mom’s.
The only sad part is now I come home to an empty house when it used to be my daughter and her. I don’t know how to cope or how to deal with that sad part of it.”
Another User Comments:
“ESH. Who’s watching your kid during all this?
How old is your kid? What parent has the ability to spend all day playing Switch while their co-parent is at work? Why is she saying that you’re being unfaithful if you have already broken up? Why are you texting like teenagers? I can’t even understand half your text messages and you’re making a big deal over n versus r when you use no grammar and abbreviate every word?
Pot, meet kettle. Are you teenagers? You do not sound like adults. At all. Seriously. Everyone here needs to grow up.” Such_Guide2828
Another User Comments:
“So for months you haven’t done anything to get custody of your kid and your whole post is about you feeling guilty for kicking out your babymomma and just barely mentioning that she took your kid with her?
‘I now come home to an empty house.’ You kicked out your baby momma and baby?!? YTJ 2000% times. Get a lawyer and do what’s right for your kid. Kids do better with structure and a schedule. You clearly aren’t capable of co-parenting and providing your child with a schedule without court intervention.” VitaSpryte
Another User Comments:
“ESH – for expecting her to leave the same day. However, she didn’t object too much and got her revenge. Sounds like the relationship was at an end anyway, whether you executed the breakup well or not. Push forward, provide for your daughter, make sure you spend time with and be good to your kid.” Kami_Sang
14. AITJ For Using A Uno Reverse Card Against My Witch Friend's Curse?
“I would like to preface this by stating our religious beliefs, as this will be important: I am agnostic/Taoist (mostly non-believer but defers to Taoism in a pinch) and my friend B, who is the other person in this fiasco, self-identified as a witch of some sort.
So, onto the situation. We are all college students, and as such share the common problem of overly expensive textbooks. B is currently taking this class that I took a couple of semesters ago, and she only recently found out that she needed this textbook that cost a good $100 and some.
She ranted to me about this in passing, and I told her that I do have a PDF if she wanted it. B was very thankful and took me up on the offer. When I was airdropping it to her, she asked where I got it, to which I responded that I found it on this net disk app.
She looked at me funny and asked, “So you pirated this?” and I was like, “Yeah? Dang, thing’s over $100.” She pursed her lips, but didn’t say anything, and I mostly forgot about this.
Wednesday night, all my friends got together for a movie/TV night, and the vote came down to watching Severance season 2, but none of us had Apple TV.
I offered, saying that I’ve managed to pirate it. The rest of my friends agreed, but B immediately left the room. We were all a bit confused about her sudden departure, but chalked it up to her being busy.
Last night, at around 1-ish, she sent me a long text where she accused me of bringing bad karma into her life by forcing her to partake in illegal deeds without prior knowledge, and that I would be punished, etc. She ended by saying that she had decided to cleanse herself with a magical spell and direct all that negative energy back to me.
This was followed by a pic of some burning paper next to a candle.
I was like, “Huh???????” when I saw the text. Well, as a response to her, I went ahead and fished out my old Uno deck, pulled out an Uno Reverse card, burned it using my candle, and sent that picture to her, telling her I have Uno reversed her spell.
Not only that, I went ahead and copied a talisman from MDZS (a Chinese web novel/anime), burned it as well, sent the pic to her, and texted her “:D”. Now B had escalated this to all our friends, saying that I have caused her harm by cursing her and she’s feeling physically ill.
I did tell her that she’s freaking out about a spell from a literal anime, but she was adamant that I still cursed her and that she “could feel the energy.” The vast majority of our friends are on my side after hearing that she started it, but many did point out that the talisman is in bad taste, as B truly believed all of this when I did not, and I am attacking her religion.
My closest friends advised me to copy another talisman, tell her it’s good energy, and burn it in her name. I am copying the new talisman right now because I’m feeling guilty, but part of me still feels that this is absurd, and I am only returning the energy.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for the humor value. She started it by sending bad vibes your way. You retaliated by sending (fictional) bad vibes her way. Looks about even to me. I’m really dubious about her ability to “feel the energy”. If you didn’t tell her what you did, would she still be able to “feel the energy”?” extinct_diplodocus
Another User Comments:
“NTJ — also, she’s the one who chose to use her religious beliefs like a weapon for some weird reason… Also, even if you had paid for the original, her accepting a copy would still be pirating. What kind of convoluted logic is she using to rationalize her initial intentions?” Current_Call_9334
Another User Comments:
“You aren’t obliged to subscribe to her religion. However, if you can’t treat her with basic respect then she’s not obliged to be your friend either. Whether you care about that is up to you. That said, she’s being ridiculous and if I were one of your friends, I would have laughed out loud after hearing this story.
I think you should disclose when materials are pirated, though.” GurProfessional9534
13. AITJ For Kicking My Mom Out Of My Doctor's Visit?
“I’m in my early 20s and have a toxic family. My parents are verbally, emotionally, and mentally abusive. They’re very controlling, manipulative, and ignorant, among other things. I’m trying everything I can to leave as soon as possible because I’ve really had enough.
I have an anxiety disorder, pretty bad anxiety in general. They don’t know I have a disorder, and I live my life as discreetly as possible. I think that’s best considering the circumstances.
So, I had a doctor’s appointment a few days ago, had a chat with my doctor, and told her about my situation.
She was supportive and gave advice on how to move forward. She took the lead on helping me with this. I didn’t tell my mom because I knew what her reaction would be. The doctor offered her help, so I accepted.
My mother’s reaction was not good, as expected. She took it very personally.
First, she stormed off. Then, on the way home, she told me, “I’m your mother, I never hide anything from my mother. You talk to her but not me. Do you hate us that much?! You don’t even talk to us anymore. It’s terrible what you’re doing.
It’s not right.”
I said her reaction was crazy to me, and she said, “I’m not crazy.” She also said, “Figure it out, get an Uber because I’m not going to be kicked out again. Next time you’re going to have a therapy session in there, talking about me, let me know.” She dropped me off and sped off.
It made me realize I’m going to have to learn quickly how to take responsibility for my own care. I was conditioned in a lot of ways; anxiety prevented me from doing normal things. It wasn’t easy quietly building my independence. My medical care ended up being the last thing I had to take care of.
My mother thinks it was awful of me to chat with my doctor about my health without her in the room and that I “set her up” to be embarrassed. Also, because I’m likely to make a mistake or miss something, or will just blindly accept the doctor’s opinions or orders.
But I want to do it on my own and without her involvement. My parents are the reason why my anxiety is worse. I feel guilty as I always did in the past, but this time I’m more glad I did what I wanted.
My parents, especially my mother, were always controlling, isolated, and convinced me that the constant fighting, taking anger out on objects around me, destroying my self-esteem, and always depending on them were normal. They treated my siblings like crap because they were gay and forced us apart to keep the “gay away”.
They made being ignorant and racist towards other groups of people seem normal and funny. They’re honestly just unlikable.
They’re shameless and deluded into thinking that they did absolutely nothing wrong and have the confidence to tell me I’m the bad person here. I don’t interact with them at all and want nothing to do with them.
I don’t know what else to say other than I’m so overwhelmed with anxiety about it all, and I want this to be over already. So AITJ for “kicking out” my mother during my doctor’s visit?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I think many countries have some form of laws regarding patient privacy.
As an adult, you should be guaranteed the right to it. Your mother is gaslighting you something fierce. Don’t listen to her garbage.” Much-Leek-420
Another User Comments:
“Sorry you’re dealing with this. It is appropriate for adults (which you are) to have confidential conversations with their own doctors about their private health conditions.
Don’t let your mother’s reaction affect you. That’s all about her own anxiety or insecurities or whatever she’s dealing with. Try to be self-sufficient and find your own rides to the doctor in the future. Your mother doesn’t even need to know you’re having an appointment.” TresWhat
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have the absolute right to privacy about medical stuff, including mental health. I have kids, and whenever they have doctors’ appointments or therapy appointments, they know they can always ask my wife and me to not be in the room and that we’ll respect that, because that’s their right.
Your mum is super toxic, and I would encourage you to find a way to go no contact for your own mental health.” The-Shattering-Light
12. AITJ For Standing My Ground Against My Parents' Overbearing Behavior With My Dog?
“I, 23M, have been dealing with an ongoing issue with my parents, 52M and 52F, regarding my and my partner’s 22F dog.
I got him 2.5 years ago while living at home. At the time, due to circumstances, I agreed he would be considered a family dog while we lived there, but I made it clear from the start he’d be ours when we moved out. Three months later, she moved in, and from that point, we became his primary caregivers, handling everything from training to vet visits.
Even when we lived with my parents, they were never fully responsible for him. They’ve also shown they don’t provide a safe environment, allowing him to get into dangerous things like toilet paper and medication. Their house is full of hazards, which is why we don’t bring him there now.
It’s frustrating and stressful when we visit.
After a year of living at my parents’ house with the dog, we moved out. The issue is my parents refuse to acknowledge that he is ours. They still consider him the family dog and get upset when my partner calls herself his mom or me his dad.
If we don’t bring him over regularly, they make it a huge issue, saying things like “Let’s not go down this path,” or demanding we bring him over. If I want to visit alone, they sometimes tell me not to come unless I bring the dog.
We used to visit more often and even let him stay overnight, but it became too hard, especially given how my parents treat my partner regarding him. They refuse to coordinate anything with her, tell her he’s none of her business, and have made her cry multiple times.
It hurts to see her upset. If she asks basic questions, like what they fed him, they get defensive. My dad once gave the dog something, and when my partner asked what it was, he refused to tell her. Later, he told me he was upset she even asked and said she had nothing to do with the dog.
They’ve made it clear they won’t follow any of our rules when he’s in their care. I’ve tried leaving him with them for a few hours with basic instructions, but they say they’ll do things their way and won’t listen to us.
This makes me uncomfortable leaving him there at all. I can’t trust them to respect our wishes for his care.
Beyond that, my mom has harassed my partner multiple times over this. It’s exhausting and taking a toll on us. Meanwhile, my partner and I have been solely responsible for all of his expenses for over a year and a half.
When we lived with my parents, they offered to split costs, but we were still the ones taking care of him day to day.
It’s been 2.7 years of this, and we don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve tried to navigate this situation as best as I can, but it feels like no matter what we do, my parents won’t respect our boundaries.
I try to keep a relationship with them, but they make it difficult. I feel stuck between wanting to maintain a connection with my family and protecting my partner and my dog from the emotional toll this is taking.”
Another User Comments:
“Oi! If you think they’re bad with your dog, they’ll be 10 times worse with your future kid(s)!
NTJ for standing your ground, but seriously, you have to figure this out with your parents and do a better job of standing by your partner. If she were the one posting from her POV, I would tell her to run.” Chi-lan-tro
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your parents have decided that your dog belongs to them, but they don’t take any responsibility for its care. They think they have the right to demand time with the dog, and they completely disrespect both your wishes and the safety of the dog.
Keep the poor animal away from them.” ExistenceRaisin
11. AITJ For Staying With A Friend And Getting Blamed For Leaving Another Alone?
“I’m in college. My four friends and I went to one of their team’s parties (we were all intoxicated as well). We’re all girls, and her team is composed entirely of girls, and I know most of the people there pretty well.
And I did apologize after all of this.
I ended up going outside and found my friend on the porch throwing up, so I decided to stay and help her (we will call her Ava). Later, I went down to the basement with her to her teammate’s bedroom, where the two of us stayed so I could make sure she was okay.
Then my friend (we will call her Taylor) came down too, but Ava, who was throwing up, didn’t want anyone else down there because she was embarrassed. So, I texted my other friend (we will call her Ariana), who was still upstairs, to ask if she wanted to leave.
I told her I would get her and Taylor an Uber home. Ariana responded to my texts, so I went upstairs and talked to two other girls we came with, who I trust and have gone out with before, to take Ariana home with them if they left before us.
Then I found Ariana, made sure she knew her dorm number (and she did, and was being social and stuff at the party), but I said that even though Ava was embarrassed, she could come down to the basement if she needed anything. She then texts me to come get her, so I replied that Taylor was coming.
Approximately two minutes later, Taylor gets a text saying that Ariana’s roommate got her an Uber home. This is all while Ava is throwing up and very intoxicated, and I was still with her. I started worrying, so I called Ariana and told her to put her roommate on the phone so I could make sure she was okay and got home safely.
Her roommate starts screaming at me, calling me a “horrible freaking friend.” I ended up staying with Ava, who was very intoxicated, until 2 a.m., when her teammates came to bed. The next day, we talked to Ariana, and she told us that she was talking to the Uber driver about the Super Bowl, but that we left her alone while she wasn’t coherent enough to get home, and all she could do was text her roommate, but not any of us, somehow.
Then her roommate proceeded to yell at Ava (who was the one too intoxicated and was throwing up) for not doing anything and proceeded to still call me a horrible friend. At first, Ariana thought her roommate was being dramatic, but now her roommate has successfully convinced her that Ava and I are horrible friends and that we put her in danger.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – It sounds like you were honestly trying to wrangle everyone and keep people safe…. Admirable, especially since you say you were intoxicated too. If you all are consistently this messy when you go out, you need to nominate someone to stay sober when you go out.
You can take turns, whatever, but this is a train wreck.” JennyM8675309
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I commend your care and concern; however, if she was so intoxicated that she didn’t feel safe, then she needs to reconsider her drinking. I hate seeing women walk home alone, but for god sake, she was in an Uber, and you were helping another person.
It’s not your RESPONSIBILITY; she should be thankful you tried to help and are looking out for EVERYONE.” Miss_Judge_and_Jury
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You did your best to keep everyone safe. That’s a good friend. You are not their babysitter, nor their guardian, and at some point these friends need to take responsibility for themselves.
It sounds like there was too much booze involved for everyone. You are young; these things happen when you’re young and don’t yet know your booze tolerance. Drinking to excess is not safe, and it WILL lead to more instances like this night from heck.
Most of us have been young and done stupid things, but I urge you to reconsider if these nights are worth it. You were lucky on this particular night. Worse things can and could happen. Be safe.” Money_Engineering_59
10. AITJ For Demanding The Bigger Room Instead Of Taking The Smaller One?
“My friend (F21, let’s call her Sarah) and I (F21) went apartment hunting yesterday.
It was the first place we toured, and we both really loved it. The complex was beautiful, the pool was nice, and the gym was so good that I could cancel my current gym membership. Everything was going great—until we got to the bedrooms.
The apartment had one larger room with an en-suite bathroom and a walk-in closet, and as soon as we walked in, Sarah immediately claimed it for the bathroom/walk-in closet. She was like, “Oh my God, I need this room!” and, right in front of the assistant manager, she turned to me and said, “You take the smaller room.
I’ll take the bigger one.”
I was completely caught off guard because we had never discussed how we’d divide the rooms, and she was acting like it was already decided. She started going on about how she needed the bigger room because she has so much stuff, trying to convince me to take the smaller one.
That’s when I finally spoke up and told her no.
For context, I’ve never had my own room before—I’ve always had to sleep in the living room at home while my parents had one room and my two other siblings had the other.
It wasn’t forced, but as an adult I want my privacy. Meanwhile, she’s always had a room to herself. When I brought that up, she responded, “Exactly! This is an upgrade for you—before, you had no room, and now you’ll have a room.
And I’ve always had a room, so now I get a bigger one!”
The assistant manager looked visibly uncomfortable, and honestly, so was I. I stood my ground and told her I wasn’t okay with that. If I’ve never had a room before, I want to go big or go home—I’m not settling for the smaller one just because she decided she gets the bigger one.
Since I’ve never had a room, it’s go big or go home; but that doesn’t also mean I want her to settle for the smaller room…I just wish I could find a roommate-style apartment.
This whole situation rubbed me the wrong way.
But I still want to live with her. She’s one of my closest friends. So, AITJ for refusing to take the smaller room?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This issue needs to be a conversation. It’s awfully presumptuous of her to assume she’ll get the larger room because she has more stuff.
It really should come down to money. How much is the extra room, large closet, and en suite bathroom worth? The person getting this room needs to pay a larger portion of the rent.” General_Relative2838
Another User Comments:
“ESH. If you’re going to live with someone, you need to discuss your expectations and how you will try to make decisions together or settle disputes.
If you intend to split the rent evenly, it was naïve to view a place with two such different bedrooms and facilities. If neither of you is happy to take the second room, regardless of finances, then it’s not the place for you. I suggest you have a conversation with your friend and then be really specific when you tell your letting agent, etc., what you’re looking for and start your relationship as roomies off on a better foot.” Pootles_Carrot
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here unless you already talked to each other about your expectations. It doesn’t sound like you did before you went to the apartment. In my humble opinion, whoever gets the biggest room should pay a bigger share of the rent to make it fairer.
Whatever you do, don’t sign a lease until you get on the same page.” Few_Razzmatazz_6381 Connor
9. AITJ For Not Apologizing For Failing To Repay Borrowed Money On Time?
I (19F) borrowed some cash from my friend (20F) because I didn’t have enough money to buy some meds, and cash was pretty tight back home.
I told her before borrowing that it would take some time for me to return the money because of situations back home, but I’ll be getting my scholarship soon, so it won’t be too long. She was alright with it.
A week passed by, and I didn’t have any money for myself or for her.
She asked me about her money, and I asked for a few more days. Again, she was fine with it and even joked about how I wouldn’t be running anywhere.
A few days later, less than a week later, I heard rumors that I was a thief and a liar among my group of friends.
I asked my other friend, who said that the friend I had borrowed money from had been telling our friends that I swindled her for cash and that I lied to her about the medication, the financial situation, and my promise to return the money soon.
She was telling them not to let me borrow anything because I’d never return it.
Some of them ganged up on me and said I shouldn’t borrow money from someone who had very little and then only return it in my sweet time. I had no idea that she was struggling, and I apologized profusely for my ignorance.
They wanted me to return the money within a deadline, and I failed to return the money at that given time. Fortunately, my scholarship came the day after, and I was able to pay my due.
Because it took me almost a month to return what I borrowed and anything could have happened in that period, they want me to apologize to my friend.
I honestly don’t want to. She came to apologize on behalf of our friends because they took her words to the extreme, but I don’t trust her anymore.
The friend who told me the ins and outs of the rumor said that she wasn’t lying about her own financial struggle and maybe was embarrassed to tell me about it, but I still refuse to apologize.
I don’t know if this friend’s words are credible.
So, AITJ?
Another User Comments:
“YTJ a soft one. Listen, borrowing money, you need to set deadlines for when to return it, and a month is a long time. Just say sorry and move on. The fact she did ask and you said it will be soon means she did ask before saying things to others.” User
Another User Comments:
“Sorry, but YTJ. Borrowing money is a serious matter. If something happens and you find you can’t pay it back when promised, then you should tell the person instead of making them ask or hunt you down for the funds. You give whatever is possible, even if it’s not the full amount, to show you are taking the debt seriously.
It doesn’t sound like you were taking the debt seriously, and I wonder if you would have actually paid it off had your other friends not found out about it and given you a hard time about it. Add to the fact that you refuse to apologize for taking 4x as long to repay the debt, yeah, YTJ.” 1moreKnife2theheart
Another User Comments:
“Your options are: 1) Apologize for being late with the repayment. Crap happens for everyone, but ultimately you missed deadlines. 2) Don’t apologize, lose your friend group, but you’ll be able to sit on your high horse and proclaim to the world that you didn’t want to apologize.
Are you willing to alienate your friend group over just saying sorry? Are you that much of a child? Pick your battles. And pay your debts on time. But yeah, YTJ, and nobody should lend you money since an apology for not paying on time is above you.” BeachOk2802
8. AITJ For Contemplating Cancelling My Bridal Shower?
My MOH is planning my bridal shower for me this February.
We picked this weekend because all my bridesmaids are off that weekend (which is very rare because most of us are nurses with super inconsistent schedules). Also, one of my bridesmaids lives across the country and will only be visiting this week other than the week of my wedding.
So it seemed to be a great idea. However, this shower has been causing me nothing but sadness and stress.
First, my grandmother (who I am incredibly close with) told me she wasn’t going to come to the shower because she was helping plan her nephew’s baby shower, which is the same weekend and “couldn’t cancel.” I felt like she was choosing her nephew’s wife (who she barely knows) over me.
This caused me a lot of hurt given that we are so close, I am her oldest granddaughter, and the first to get married in our family. We worked it all out (turns out she got the dates wrong), but nonetheless the damage is done.
Then my FH told me my future MIL and all his sisters (he has 5) wouldn’t be able to come because his sister has a dance competition that day. I totally understood but was still upset about it. Again, we fixed the issue; my FH is going to take his sister to the competition so my MIL can come.
Then tonight one of my bridesmaids told me she wouldn’t be able to come because she booked a trip to Europe to see her partner and totally forgot the shower was that weekend. I understood and told her I didn’t want her to worry and knew she would come if she could.
Honestly, at this point I’m wondering if it’s even worth it to have a shower. I feel like it’s disappointment after disappointment. I don’t want to seem ungrateful or like a brat. I have never been someone who likes being the centre of attention.
But at the same time, this is the one time I get to be celebrated and I feel like it doesn’t matter to the people who are supposed to love and care about me.
AITJ? Should I still have the shower? Am I overreacting or being ungrateful?
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for feeling the way you do, but it would be really sad if you cancel your shower over this and your future self might regret it. Your grandmother and MIL had conflicting events for loved ones, and I’m sure they were having a hard time choosing.
They may have rationalized that you would not miss them being there when you would have your friends and whatnot there. Who knows? And MIL did make the effort to arrange so that she could come, and that does say something about her genuinely wanting to be there, and having to skip her own daughter’s dance competition.
And think of the others who are planning on coming and celebrating with you. Don’t cancel just because of a few disappointments. You’d be robbing yourself of some very happy memories, I think.” Stranger0nReddit
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You’re saying you’re upset because you’re being forgotten about, but you haven’t been.
Other people have lives and, while yes, at the bridal shower you should be the priority, you can’t expect them to put you first in other aspects of their lives. Had your grandmother already agreed to help before you picked your date? It would be unfair for her to agree to help out and then cancel for you.
Your MIL doesn’t get to pick the date of the dance competition. She’s agreed to miss it to be there for you, yet you’re what? Upset she didn’t automatically drop her commitment to her child for you? OK, I can understand being annoyed over the bridesmaid if it was a genuine mistake.
I’d let it go. If not, then you may be annoyed at her, but don’t act ungrateful for the work others have put in for you.” New_Wave8749
7. AITJ For Letting My Depressed Child Eat Anything While Restricting My Other Kids?
“This weekend my family and my brother’s family were at our holiday cottage together, and my wife (42F) and I (40M) got into this huge argument with my brother (45M) and SIL (45F).
The argument regarded my wife and I allowing one of our children (12M) to eat whatever he wants, while somewhat restricting what the other two (11M and 9F) eat.
They found this totally unacceptable and mean, despite us providing, in my opinion, a legitimate reason for why.
Future.
So, to provide some background to make judging possible, my wife and I have always aimed to provide our children with somewhat healthy food and eating habits. This means we mostly eat home-cooked meals and that we limit sweets and “unhealthy” snacks to the weekends and in no excessive amounts.
We are in no way extreme. We eat fast food occasionally and make exceptions for sweets and “unhealthy” snacks for special occasions or if we feel like it. The children are allowed to eat whatever they are offered when visiting their friends.
For the past few months, our 12-year-old has not been well.
He started eating less and less and basically stopped eating eight weeks ago. He was diagnosed with depression shortly after, which explains his loss of appetite.
Since he basically didn’t eat, my wife and I decided that it is more important for him to eat something than to worry about what he eats, and that he therefore is allowed to eat whatever he wants, whenever he wants.
This means that if he wants ice cream for breakfast or crisps for dinner, he can have it. If he wants pizza or hamburgers, we happily go and get it for him.
But for our other children our normal “rules” still apply, and they cannot have sweets and “unhealthy” snacks all the time or always get the food they ask for.
We have explained to them why the 12-year-old is allowed and they are not, and they seem to understand and are mostly fine with it. They are still children and sometimes find it unfair. I understand that, but sometimes life is unfair.
So, as stated above, my brother and SIL do not think this is okay, and are convinced our younger kids will grow up hating us for this.
Are they right, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ Your depressed preteen absolutely does not need to be using food as a comfort coping mechanism. Sure, some chicken nuggets occasionally when he’s having a really low day, but letting him go buck wild on eating whatever instead of making a plan with your kids’ mental health care providers is just slapping a band-aid on the problem.
Depression eating leads to eating disorders that are extremely difficult to shake.” The_Ivy_Hawke
Another User Comments:
“YTJ You’re going to give your 9- and 11-year-old eating disorders. You’ve basically sent them the message that if they ever have appetite issues and stop eating, they’ll be rewarded by being allowed to eat pizza or burgers or whatever they want.
I get that it’s a messy situation, but this isn’t a healthy dynamic. Would it really be so bad to be a bit more lax on your 9- and 11-year-old and give them a bit more freedom to choose their meals too?” MayorOfSmurftown
6. AITJ For Not Inviting My Disabled Chosen Family Brother On A Disney Vacation?
“I’m (29) and I watch over my older chosen family brother (32) who has a severe cognitive disability. His mom was abusive, so he started living with me a couple years ago.
I spend a lot of my time either working or looking after him, so I wanted a vacation with my partner for a few days where I could step away from this caretaker role. “Jared” keeps complaining that I’m choosing to go without him.
Anytime I bring something up to my wife about our vacation, he sighs loudly and says he would’ve loved to go. I’ve given him a free place to stay, free clothes, bath stuff, and I cook for him during the week. I also help him floss, budget, and with other life things.
I spend a lot of time also teaching him life skills so he can eventually be on his own, especially if something happens to me.
I didn’t invite him because I couldn’t afford to pay for his tickets, hotel, food, etc. He has a tendency on other trips to cry, wail, and make a fuss that he can’t have whatever toy or treats he wants.
He works a regular job, and I’m proud of him. He was unable to save up enough for his tickets and hotel in time.
He told a mutual friend, who reached out to me, and said how upset he is for not going. There were two reasons I wanted a trip away: 1) My wife and I need this (he leans on her a lot as well); 2) I honestly am perhaps too lazy to deal with him freaking out when I can’t buy him things like a $200 light saber, and I don’t want it to put a damper on my vacation time.
I let the mutual friend know that I do feel like a jerk for not taking him, but at the same time, both he and I need a vacation. I work with his social workers, nurses, etc. Someone I trust is coming to the house to care for him, and I’m paying for that.
I also let him know that if there is a time when he can afford a trip or his portion of the trip, then I will gladly take him. AITJ for not inviting him to Disney?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I work in the aged / disability supported care sector, and I know that burnout is a very real thing—among our workers, and also among the family members of our clients.
Everyone needs time off. You and your wife are doing a heck of a lot for Jared. You need that break, you are entitled to that break, and you will return from that break refreshed and more able to deal with the daily load of caring for him.
Enjoy your vacation.” ThisWillAgeWell
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you needed a break from your charge. All you need is a break from burnout, and getting away will be good for you and your wife. And you can’t afford to take him. Oh, well. NTJ.
And if ‘mutual friend’ wants to put forth some funds instead of just making you feel bad, you can revisit the idea of a trip to an amusement park. Some other time.” YouthNAsia63
5. AITJ For Saying Ew, Gross When My Friend Uses His Mom’s Bath Water?
“So there’s the situation. I was talking on a voice call to my two friends, Marcus and Lewis, both of whom are brothers in their 20s who live with their mom. Lewis went off to have a bath.
I asked why (as it was at a pretty inopportune moment that he left), to which Marcus explained that their mom just finished. I asked, “What does that have to do with it?” To which Marcus said, “It saves money on water.”
Now my initial reaction was to exclaim, “Ew, gross!” There was a slight chuckle in my voice as I thought Marcus was joking.
Then Marcus became very angry with me. He began shouting at me for being inconsiderate and for being stuck up for thinking that sharing the dirty bath water with your mom is gross. He explained that they didn’t have much money, so sharing bath water was how they saved each month.
Now this excuse is pretty poor, as they are always making unnecessary purchases every month with what seems like hundreds of pounds of disposable income. If money were the issue, they wouldn’t make so many purchases each month toward expensive hobbies (cameras, lenses, trips to the cinema, buying video games, and video game cosmetics).
Now if it were me, I would cut back on recreational spending if it meant I didn’t have to bathe in my mom’s dead skin, dirt, and pubic hair every week.
For reference, Marcus, Lewis, and I are all on government benefits. We are given money each month, as well as extra money depending on personal costs for water, gas, electric, etc.
Am I the jerk for saying that their bathing habits are gross? Are they the jerk for calling me a “jerk” because I reacted the way I did? I feel like we’re all jerks because a simple difference in bathing standards could lead to an argument, but I can’t help but feel attacked and shamed just because I personally wouldn’t do what they do.
I didn’t say they shouldn’t, but they were not okay with me finding it gross and went to aggressive lengths to try and prove me wrong and change my mind.”
Another User Comments:
“If one of my mates in their 20s said they were sharing bath water with their mum, I would 100% call them out; it’s weird.
It costs about 25p to fill a bath. I don’t think your reaction was over the top; you made one quick comment, it’s how friends talk to each other. NTJ” thejackalreborn
Another User Comments:
“Huh. I’m surprised about all the YTJ’s here. It indeed is a disgusting thing to do; it is something that actually poor people do, but choosing to do that instead of cutting back on fun money demonstrates they’re probably just a weird family.
If you actually want to save water, you take a quick shower or use a washcloth; you don’t fill a whole bath. NTJ, I would have been equally appalled.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“My sister’s ex partner’s family used to do this, but they were not struggling at all financially, and I found that so weird.
I think it’s gross regardless, and I can’t imagine all of them taking a 3-minute shower instead would use any more water than bathwater would, lol” lolliepoplulu
4. AITJ For Refusing To Let My Mother Post My Private Photos?
“I (16-year-old Male) recently went out with some friends after our final day of school. We went to many department stores, bought random stuff, ate, and had fun. Of course, my friends took many pictures during our fun trip and sent some to me because I rarely take pictures.
My mom, since she has access to my social media account, was able to get a hold of the pictures and wanted to post them on social media. I told her not to post the pictures since I prefer such moments and happy memories to be kept private.
To me, they hold a sentimental value when only a few people—the people who are actually involved—know about them. I don’t really know how to explain the reason; it’s hard for me to put it into words.
That could have been the end of it.
She would either post them (I wouldn’t even be mad if she did) or not post them, but instead, she got very angry. I sort of expected her reaction, as she is usually angry at little things, so it wasn’t a total shock; however, I didn’t expect what she was about to say to me.
She started off by telling me that I was selfish and only thought about myself, claiming that I was a narcissist and a manipulator. She told me that when I grow up, no one will ever talk to me because I am apparently abnormal since I don’t like to talk or socialize with people who are not close to me.
I will admit I am a tad picky when it comes to the people I’m comfortable around; I mostly socialize with people with whom I share at least one common interest or something in common. She went on and on about how I don’t care about her, how no one will even miss me, and how I will die lonely and sad.
I feel guilty because now she’s not even talking to me and she’s disappointed in me. So, am I the jerk? And how do I make it up to her? Am I truly considered a narcissist because I don’t want to post some pictures?”
Another User Comments:
“Not the jerk. What the heck? Your mom sounds intense. I get wanting to keep stuff offline. There are people out there who understand this and won’t dislike you for it like she’s implying. It sounds like she’s hunting for “likes” and approval and thinks using your photos will get her that.
In a small way, maybe she wants to show you off to friends and family because she loves you and is proud of you, but by not listening to your request and instead lashing out, she negates that idea.” kel-eck
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You feel guilty?
Whoa. Your mom sounds pretty unhinged. All these things she said to you? No. These things are not you; these things are her. Two more years of tolerating this, and you’ve got to get away from her and live your life surrounded only by people you like and who share something in common with you.” Content-Plenty-268
Another User Comments:
“NTJ—your mom has a mental health disorder, and the mean things she says are a way of emotionally controlling you. You grew up with her and maybe don’t see it yet, but that is her pattern of control. Not speaking to you and yelling insults to put you down is done just to break you down and make you think less of yourself, so you will depend on her more and she can control you.
Don’t feel guilty for asking her not to post. If she isn’t talking to you, just smile and have some peace. You might want to look up Borderline Personality Disorder for more clarity. When you get older and are financially independent, go low contact. You cannot fix what’s wrong with her, and it will only make you feel worse.
Get some counseling, and it will help your self-esteem.” vt2022cam
3. AITJ For Being Annoyed By My Husband's Constant Movie Interruptions And Quiz Sessions?
“I (38f) need help understanding why my husband (m40) needs to pause whatever we are watching to inform me of things. I also want to know if I’m like a jerk for being annoyed. For example, if we are watching a movie and they are crossing a bridge, he will pause and quiz me to see if I know what bridge it is.
I don’t usually know the answer. Then he will go on a big story about the bridge and why it’s important, and that usually leads to another story. So now we have it paused for 10 minutes at least, with him just telling me about things.
Anything we watch, I have to add an extra hour to account for his pausing. It’s not once or twice; it’s like 10 times for each movie or episode. I ask him to stop, and he says, “Sorry, I like talking to my wife,” or “Yeah, I know you don’t care about me and what I have to say.” Also, he constantly needs to show me a part or scene of what he’s watching by himself.
It’s usually nothing spectacular, but he asks me to watch a part multiple times a day. I could handle it once in a while, but it’s like 10 times a day.
He will call me out of bed to come see a part of the movie he’s watching.
It reminds me of a little kid yelling, “Mom, watch! Mom, watch!” Heaven forbid I’m in the middle of doing something, or one of the kids needs me. His showing me the part is deemed the most important, and it only takes a second. He will make my oldest daughter watch stuff if I’m busy.
Sometimes, he’ll ask me questions about what I just watched. Again with the quizzes. I feel like he likes showing off all the knowledge he has. He’s unemployed right now, so all he does is watch shows and movies all day, which is even more than normal, and I’m going crazy.
I’m trying to understand why he does it—the pausing to teach me something and the need for me to see a part of what he watched. I also want to know if I’m a jerk for being so annoyed?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! Take the remote and keep it by your side out of his reach.
Give him a pad of paper and pen. Tell him to write down everything he wants to tell you for after the movie or during breaks. Then listen to him and try to enjoy the conversation so that he’s happy with this new way of TV watching.
His ego might be bruised from not having a job, so he wants to show off what he knows to you so you will be impressed with him.” Spare_Ad5009
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Is your husband neurodivergent by any chance? I’m like this, but don’t pause the movie.
I start looking up where a movie was filmed, want to know the architect of a specific building, etc. I cannot get my mind to just FOCUS on the darn movie! I think it’s rather rude to keep interrupting the movie. This could be a new hobby to keep his mind occupied during a period of unemployment.
He needs to go back to work before he drives your family insane.” Money_Engineering_59
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He’s being annoying and disruptive, and when you call him on it he’s passive-aggressive and whiny. You do not need to accept his “quiz,” and you can interrupt his interruptions and go back to what you were doing, be it movie watching or whatever else.
“I’m trying to watch the movie.” “I am not taking a quiz; I’m watching a movie.” We, however, do not live inside his head, so if you want to know what is going on in there, he’s the one you should ask.
If it’s more passive aggression about how you don’t like talking to him, maybe remind him that a lecture and a quiz is not a conversation, and you’re his wife. Not his student, not his captive audience.” dryadduinath
2. AITJ For Not Returning A Gifted Perfume Even Though My Best Friend Was Upset?
“Basically, my best friend got a perfume for Christmas, and I happened to mention to my partner how I really liked it, but didn’t need any more perfume because I had just restocked on my old scent for the new year and, on top of that, my mom got me my old, old scent for Christmas.
I was genuinely interested in a new one because I can’t stand my old, old one, as the smell brings me back to memories of an incredibly hard time in my life, and I associate it with a past relationship. But I had restocked recently and had been gifted one, so I was dead set on not buying any for years, to be honest.
But flash forward, and for our six-month anniversary my partner got me the same perfume as my best friend. I thought that was incredibly sweet because he didn’t have to do something so big for a six-month anniversary, but he wanted to, and because he remembered that one time I mentioned how much I liked it.
It really was the cherry on top of an amazing weekend, and I was really excited about it and our relationship in general.
Until my best friend found out and became quite upset. She says, “doesn’t even want hers anymore,” and said I should have returned it (my partner opened it for me, so it isn’t returnable).
I completely understand wanting a “signature scent” (a phenomenon I think, like most, my partner has no clue exists) and would have never gone out of my way to buy it. However, I was gifted it, and it was a really sweet, meaningful gift to me.
I feel like it’s kind of messed up to insist I return the gift, not to mention I was having a very hard night (my computer broke and I missed a very important academic deadline) when the topic arose.
I feel like it’s a little understandable for her to be a bit upset, but not to demand I return it and then go silent and passive-aggressive, especially when I’m already having a hard time.
I feel like it kind of lends itself to a broader theme lately of her treating me unkindly. Am I crazy for feeling that way? Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“Every scent smells different on every person. Your body chemistry mixes and presents differently (with any perfume) on you than it does on her.
So basically, no matter what perfume you use, it is a signature scent. NTJ. Your partner sounds like a great guy. I love that he remembered!” Nana-in-OC-7113
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your friend is trying to gatekeep something that was never hers to begin with.
This is incredibly childish. Nobody on the planet besides herself is going to give a crap about how she smells or if someone else smells similar. I’ve had a few really close friends for 20 years, and I can’t tell you what kind of perfume they wear… because adults don’t give a crap.” User
Another User Comments:
“So these are your words to another post: “I also lost a friend over a pretty trivial matter with money involved but at the end of the day you will always be in the right for standing up for yourself and not letting yourself get gaslit or walked all over.” Methinks you need to follow your own advice.” sable1970
1. AITJ For Questioning My Partner’s Tragic Family Story?
“My (F24) partner (25) and I have been together for almost six years. About six months ago we agreed to take a break (he initiated that; it came out of nowhere to me, but I respected it). When we first got together, he told me that his family took in a cousin when he was young, and this person was like a brother to him.
Tragically, the cousin died in a car accident that my partner said he was in. He said it was so traumatic for his family that they never talk about it. In the time we’d been together, I never heard anyone mention it in any way.
But I understand that grief is powerful.
Last week I was with my partner and his sister (F26) and when I briefly brought up the cousin that lived with them when they were little, she had no idea what I was talking about. Both she and my partner acted confused and said there was no cousin that lived with them.
I said, “The one who passed away?” And they said no cousin had passed. I dropped it but felt my heart sink.
When I asked my partner about it, he got really upset. He said it was insensitive of me to bring it up and “for heck’s sake, stop asking.” Finally, he said that it was a traumatic experience and he can’t remember everything—that he’s repressed a lot.
He said it wasn’t a cousin. No one had ever lived with them. That it was just a friend who died. But he said it was his fault and he feels guilty, so he’s told a bunch of different versions of the story.
But then he said it’s too much to talk about and he doesn’t. I said I understand, but I need some space. I wasn’t asking him to recount past trauma or upset that he didn’t remember. But I was upset that he lied to me and wouldn’t have told me the truth unless I hadn’t brought it up.
I had my grandpa’s funeral and family in town for the long weekend. I said I need some space for this weekend. He constantly called me, texted every day, and showed up at my apartment multiple times, waiting for me to come home. He said he told his sister and dad everything about the accident over the weekend.
He said they didn’t know that it had happened. I said, “How can that be? The police would’ve called your parents.” He said because there was an adult there, they didn’t, and at that time, they wouldn’t have. I can’t see a world where that’s true.
If a kid is in a deadly car accident, they would call the parents regardless.
I don’t believe him and I feel horrible for it. I want to ask his sister about it just to see if he really talked to them about what happened. But I also don’t want to get her involved and put her in an awkward position.
And I know my partner would be upset if he found out. Would I be the jerk if I asked his sister if he is telling the truth or would that be disrespectful to my partner? WIBTJ for bringing her into the situation?”
Another User Comments:
“There are a couple of red flags here. It seems he likely lied about a cousin/friend who died, wanted to take a break and now he wouldn’t give you time with your family to grieve your grandpa. Sounds sketchy. You could ask the sister, but when she tells you that never happened and your partner gets mad at you, what do you plan to do?
NTJ be prepared to find out your partner is a liar.” Lazuli_Rose
Another User Comments:
“I hate to say this, but my guess is you are a normally trusting person, so you trust the things your partner has told you. I had an ex-partner like that who told lies ALL the time.
The thing is, I believed them for about 1.5 years until the lies started to cover things I had been there for, and I was like… that isn’t how that happened. I then started questioning EVERYTHING and, wow, had he told so many lies. Lies where even the truth would have served him better.
I think you should start looking into his background a little more and see if this guy is just one big walking lie. NTJ.” K_A_irony
Another User Comments:
“Red flags everywhere. I’m a firm believer in the saying when someone shows you who they are.
Believe them. If this guy will lie about this, which doesn’t take a mental genius to figure this one out, what else will he lie about now and in the future? I had a partner (grown man in his 50s, mind you) move to another state.
In less than 90 days he said he bought a house. I said how you haven’t lived there long enough to establish your new job and to secure a loan when you didn’t have a lot of money saved. Well, I let it go.
Five years later, he loses his job and says, “I’m coming back to town to move in with you.” I said, “Yeah, not happening, dude. You have no money saved and what about your house? Are you going to sell it?” He avoids the question.
Turns out this jerk’s parents bought the house and let him pay rent. Originally, he wanted me to move in, and all I had to do was pay the mortgage. All the lies I found out about later were like, wow, I should’ve bounced after the first red flag.
Lying about stupid crap is a huge red flag. Don’t walk, honey—run away.” Cberry04
