People Wonder What We Perceive Of Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
19. AITJ For Not Pumping Gas For My Partner?
“My (19M) partner (18f) got her license about 3 months ago, but last week was the first time that I’ve been in the car with her while she was driving. My car was in the shop & she came to pick me up from work & on our way back she decides to stop at a gas station.
We pull up to the machine, she looks at me funny for a moment, doesn’t say anything & then gets out of the car & starts pumping her gas. When she gets back in the car, I ask her what the funny look was for & she says, ‘Really?
How do I have a man in the car & I’m the one pumping gas?’
‘Because it’s your car & you’re the one driving?’
She says, ‘Wow. And you’re not even a little bit embarrassed? Watching your partner pump gas in the cold while you’re sitting in the nice, warm car listening to music?’
I say, ‘No I was actually quite comfortable & if I wasn’t here, wouldn’t you have to pump the gas by yourself anyway?’
She says, ‘But that’s the point. You’re here. A woman should never pump gas while a man’s in the car. My dad, uncle, cousin, brother, nephew, whoever would’ve never just done what you did just now.’
I say, ‘Well, I’m not them & I don’t subscribe to that. Can we go now?’
Mind you, the whole time we’re having this conversation she hasn’t even started the car. The gas station is filling up w/ cars & she’s literally hogging a machine.
She says, ‘I’m not moving until you apologize.’
To make it even worse, the guy waiting in the car behind us walks over and politely taps on the window and says, ‘Hey, sorry, are you guys leaving or…?’ She rolls down the window & asks him, ‘If your partner or wife was driving, would you still pump her gas?’ He says, ‘Uhhh, probably?’ & she looks at me in victory & we finally move.
She says, ‘Seriously, don’t ever do that again’ I probably should have let it go, but I couldn’t: ‘No if we’re in your car and you are driving, you’re pumping the gas.’ She starts going off again until I can’t take it anymore. I get out & start walking down side streets to a friend’s place.
She’s following me calling my name & my phone, but I ignore her & eventually lose her when she gets stuck at a red light.
Since last Friday I’ve been getting all sorts of angry messages & texts from her friends about how I’m, not a real man for not pumping gas & even my friends were telling me, ‘Yeah, man, you should always pump the girls gas, it’s just principle.’
That whole week was Finals week so I didn’t really pay too much attention to what they were saying but Finals ended yesterday & I’m home now for Christmas. My extended family is all here, so I decided to ask them if a guy should always pump gas for the girl.
I’m confused because all the men are saying yes, but all the women are saying that while they appreciate the men doing it, they can also do it by themselves, even when a man is in the car. They’re all still arguing downstairs & it’s getting pretty heated so I decided to write to you guys to ask AITJ & should I apologize?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But here’s the thing—you don’t have a partner anymore, and it sounds like a bullet dodged.
In any case, if she can drive the car, she can also pump the gas. Telling you that she would not move the car until you apologized—and inconveniencing every other person at the gas station—is some next-level jerkery right there.
Being a fully functional adult means she’s going to have to do adult things from time to time, including pumping her own gas.” He_Who_Is_Right_
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, it’s like a weird chivalry thing. Like only holding doors open for women or walking on the side of the sidewalk closer to traffic.
It’s 2022 I don’t really need or want a man to do stuff for me just because I’m a woman. But your partner clearly feels different. To me, this would be an incompatible difference in how we view relationships.
To be clear, if you want to hold the door for me because that’s nice please do but I would also expect you’d hold the door for other men as well.
If you want to help me fix my lawnmower because you know how to do that I would be appreciative. But only do those things because you want to help another person, not because you’re a man and I’m a woman.” leigh094
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
She should be an ex. Sure, Pumping gas when it’s cold sucks so it’s kind of someone to offer. But blatantly expecting someone to do it because of their genitalia is misogynistic and a bad look.
Girls and guys can be kind to each other.
I pump gas for my hubby when I know he’s cold or having a bad day and vice versa.
How hard would it have been gif get to ask ‘could you please pump my gas?’ Instead of communicating she put being proven right about you and then pitted her friends against you.
That’s a terrible character and immature. You deserve better.” yavanna12
18. AITJ For Sleeping On My Daughter's Bed?
“I (25F) got married to my husband (24M) who we’ll call Adam. When Adam and I were still going out, I found out I was pregnant with my ex’s kid.
Adam didn’t care and was thrilled because he’s infertile, and has always wanted to be a dad. I tried for over a year to get in contact with my ex to see if he wanted to be a dad, and he nor his family ever answered me.
Even when I went to their houses. So A has been my daughter’s (3F who we’ll call Calli) dad her whole life, and legally adopted her at 2. Sorry for the tangent, but it’s relevant.
We’re in freezing cold weather and have lost power during higher temps than this the last two years.
A kid in our neighborhood got really sick last year because he nearly froze. So I set up my and my husband’s bed to be a kind of tent so it would keep all the body heat in. It’s a California King, so there’s PLENTY of room for us, Calli, and our dog who sleeps with us anyway.
I got Callie ready for bed and tucked her in our bed to finish getting ready. Adam asked why she was in our bed, and I explained I was afraid of the power going out because we’d already gotten warnings and the past two years.
He was angry and said that he shouldn’t have to share his bed with her because he might want ‘loving’. I told him that I wasn’t going to be in the mood tonight because it was 6 degrees and I’d be worried about Calli.
Long story short, after a huge fight, I took the whole set up (so only leaving him the sheets, duvet, and one blanket) and did it over my daughter’s bed. I slept in there with her, and our dog followed us. Adam was so angry this morning that he accused me of wanting a divorce.
I just told him that Calli was coming to work with me today, and I’m dropping the dog off at my mother’s since she works from home so he’s not alone in case the power goes off. Adam went off to work and I’m getting texts from my in-laws and a couple of mutual friends.
Someone even texted me that expecting him to share a bed with a girl he’s not related to is disgusting, but that just makes me question him and his family and that that’s their thought process.
AITJ? I just was worried about my literal three-year-old.
Even if I am though, I’m doing it again tonight. I just want to know because I’m furious at him for blowing it out of proportion, but maybe he’s right to be mad. I don’t know.
Edit: Calli doesn’t have free access to our room.
Adam locks the door after I fall asleep, and because he’s up and down all night, I can never stay up later than him. Calli has multiple times woken me up crying and knocking on the door to get in after a bad dream, hearing weird noises, etc. Adam always apologizes but it keeps happening, so with her asthma, I don’t want to risk her being out in that cold for even a few minutes longer than she has to.
Also, Adam won’t buy another top that goes over the beds to keep in the heat. He says they’re a waste of money/not worth the price. I bought two last year but our dog ripped them, and I didn’t have the money to buy another one.
I plan to after the new year when I have a full check so Calli can always have one in the cold, just in case.
Our home is technically in a trust for me from my Aunt, but I’m taking my and Calli’s stuff and staying with my mom while working on how to make him leave.
Our dog is already there. Adam has been blowing up my cell phone and work phone because I haven’t apologized and I’m ignoring his parents. My last straw was all the texts about him saying he wants to dissolve the adoption ‘when I leave him’ because Calli doesn’t respect him as her dad because she talks back, doesn’t listen, runs away, has tantrums, and doesn’t want to spend time with her if there are people besides us around (again, she’s 3.
Barely. She doesn’t ‘respect’ me most of the time either by his definition). I haven’t responded to anything. I don’t think I will for a while.
Yes, we’re in Texas so losing power is a constant stress.
Adam has insomnia and has since he was a kid, which is why he gets up and down a lot.
He has since we were kids. I’ve known his family since I was like 10.
This is new behavior for him. Until about two months ago, he was perfect. He just randomly started locking the door, and he dots on her. His family has made it a point to let me know Calli isn’t ‘really’ their family, but we’re in low contact with those that say that so it’s a non-issue.
Maybe he’s back in contact with them though. Maybe he’s upset about my new job, or that the house isn’t ‘really’ his. He won’t discuss either of those things. I really don’t know.
He’s in therapy already.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your daughter has asthma and she has no access to you at night when she’s scared from a dream or if she’s having trouble breathing.
He locks the door without you knowing.
He prioritizes getting lucky over the health of your three-year-old and the dog.
He immediately thinks of divorce after an argument.
He calls his family and friends and rants to them about the argument.
Your husband sounds immature and unable to cope with simple marital disagreements in a reasonable manner.” Ghitit
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Whether or not he ‘might want some loving’ is irrelevant if you aren’t in the mood to reciprocate.
Also, your daughter is 3, not a teenager. It’s expected that she will occasionally still sleep with her parents. Your spouse and his fam are really weird for acting like that’s weird. They are also really weird for acting like they aren’t related when he went out of his way to marry a single parent and adopt this child.
That’s specifically asking family/the public/the legal system to act as though she was ‘naturally born’ to him, not to pick and choose when it’s convenient for an argument’s sake.” cnhorn13
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your child at three should have access to you all night, every night when she needs it.
Especially a child with health issues. Adult activities get to work around the child’s needs, not the other way around.
Honestly, his behavior towards you and your child here, during a weather emergency situation is showing that his priorities aren’t good ones.
Honestly, I’d be thinking about changing the locks on your house, getting someone you trust to help you, and packing his stuff up, and dropping it off somewhere neutral, or putting it on a porch, then texting him that he can pick it up and where.
And make sure your finances are safe from him stealing your money.
This ‘man’ was willing to put your child at risk instead of making sure, during a weather emergency, that your child was safe. He’s been doing this over and over, as a habit, locking your child out of your room so that your child stops seeing you as being available when they need help.
That’s not a person that is able to care about your child’s needs. Your child is the highest priority here, not him.
Whatever the reason for his behavior, your first priority is your child, not him. He’s the one that needs to be staying elsewhere, so that your child has things as normal as possible, and is protected from more such behavior, that separates your child from you.
And there are enough red flags about his behavior that you kicking him out due to his bad behavior is a reasonable thing to do, he’s behaving very oddly. Bring over a couple of people, so you are protected while you tell him he’s the one leaving, not you.
If possible, do it before he gets back from work.
What you do after that, about him, is something to think about. But the priority is to stop how he’s treating your child, protect your child, and get some space to think away from him.
And start a list of the things that have been ‘odd’.” blueberryyogurtcup
17. AITJ For Not Trusting My Brother With My Things?
“My brother, Jay, is 5 years older than me and at some point growing up, he began stealing things from the house. I don’t blame him one bit for that as our dad abandoned us and mom was crazy. He was a teenager when the stealing started and we were constantly in fear of living in the streets the next day.
So, I understand him more than anyone else.
BUT, it doesn’t mean I ever trusted Jay around my belongings. Anything I wanted to actually keep I would just hide it and got very creative with my hiding places. I recently finally had my own place and no roommates!
Jay, his wife, and his mom came over with some food to congratulate me on the new home.
Mom and his wife wanted to take a walk around the neighborhood and see what was going on but Jay said he was too tired from driving and just wanted to sleep.
I got nervous about the idea of leaving him alone in my home with my belongings scattered about so I told them to wait and gathered my things, put them in my room, and locked the door.
When I went back to the living room, they were all quiet and kept staring at me.
Mom asked why I did that and I lied and said I wanted to leave the space clean. She said to take a good look at him, he’s a bearded man with a pregnant wife now and I’m still guarding against him.
My brother interjected and told her not to bother.
He looked very hurt and said to me that just because a person made a mistake doesn’t mean you hold it over him for the rest of his life. I told him I’m sorry I just don’t trust you with my belongings yet. Maybe with time but not right now.
Both mom and his wife went off at me then and everyone left on bad terms.
I know that my brother has changed these past few years and got a job and got married, but it’s really hard for me to just trust him with my own home.
I’d get paranoid with him going through my things and scanning my home even if he doesn’t take anything.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You need to sit down and talk with your brother one on one and tell him that you understand why he used to steal. But this has had a knock-on effect that you are now scared that even if he doesn’t steal stuff from you, he will scan your stuff or go through your stuff assessing what is valuable and what isn’t in case he needs money.
That his prior behavior has set this as the tone of how he will behave in a crisis and you want to believe him that now that he has a loving wife and more stable circumstances he isn’t that same desperate teenager.
But your gut reaction is still fear as you aren’t over it yet even if he is.
And you need more time to learn to trust him and to come to terms with the fact he isn’t still that scared kid. That this isn’t about punishing or slighting him for the past. You want to trust him. You just don’t yet.” EnergyThat1518
Another User Comments:
“If you really feel that your brother has changed, then I think for both of your sake you need to sit down and talk. He needs to own up to stealing from you just as much as he needs to understand that you don’t (as far as I can tell) resent him for it.
Neither of these things can happen if you don’t have a conversation. NTJ” RatioNo1114
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Apparently, from the story, he started the habit as a subterfuge to deal with family trauma, but you have traumas too, and his stealing is also one of them, and this was the way you found to deal with fear at the moment.
I believe that therapy would be a good way to understand these memories and fears in order to create new family bonds.
Your mother and sister-in-law, while they have the right to feel hurt that your brother’s feelings were hurt, do not have the right to demand how you should or should not deal with your childhood traumas.” Prestigious_Chip_895
16. AITJ For Moving My Partner Into My House?
“I (38M) own a 3-bedroom house. About 8 months ago, an old friend ‘Joe’ (37M) moved to my area and I offered him a place to stay until he found something of his own. I’m sure you all know what the housing market is like right now so he is still with me.
There is no lease because he is still looking but he is currently paying me $500/mo + $120 in utilities for a bedroom and private bathroom. A very good price for the area.
My partner of almost 2 years, ‘Amy’ (32F) has been dealing with some serious health issues for the last few months and I would like her to move in with me.
She was slightly hesitant to lose her own apartment because she has an amazing deal but she has come around to the idea since certain things are difficult for her to do on her own at the moment. She and her 2 cats will be moving in by mid-January.
Joe is very much against this and even more so because I do not want any rent money from Amy. She has high out-of-pocket healthcare costs right now and I don’t want her worrying about having the money. She works remotely and will continue to work but stress will not help her condition.
Joe doesn’t want to share space with another person (he has stated he is especially uncomfortable living with any woman he is not related to or in a relationship with) and does not want to live with Amy’s cats. He’s expressed that he feels it’s unfair for him to ‘shoulder’ the cost of another person and wants to reduce his rent but I don’t believe he is shouldering any additional costs.
Nothing will increase for him. I offered to reduce his utilities to $100 but he called that an ‘offensive’ offer.
He has been complaining all week and this morning, I invited him to shut up or move out. He told me I am being unbelievably selfish by ignoring his desire to be comfortable at home and violating his rights as a tenant (as far as I can tell, that appears to be entirely untrue.
He absolutely does have tenant rights since he’s been living here for this long and is entitled to 30 days’ notice. I meant nothing I can find supports another person moving in or what they pay being a violation of those rights). AITJ?
EDIT: Joe and Amy can’t swap because she rents from a family friend which is why she gets the deal that she does.
The rent will be significantly higher for the next tenant and out of Joe’s price range.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
This is YOUR house, not his. You were nice enough to let him move in at a considerably less cost than if he was paying rent elsewhere.
What was short term obviously turned long term for him and it sounds like he has no intentions of looking for another place.
Amy is your partner and you can have her move in whenever you want, he has zero say in it. He’s talking out of his butt about the bills and him ‘shouldering’ someone else, he just doesn’t want her to move in.
I think you may want to give him a time frame of when to move out.” Caspian4136
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The difference is… you own the house. This isn’t a 2-bedroom cramped rental situation in that only you and your friend are on the lease and you’re introducing another roommate.
Your house, your decision.
Your friend is already getting a great deal for only paying $500/month + utilities to live in a house. Your friend was supposed to be looking for a space of his own and appears to have gotten quite comfy at yours. He’s really not ‘shouldering’ the costs of another person except for his own.” Snackinpenguin
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You own the house. You are the landlord. You make the rules.
Joe should be grateful for below-market rent and utilities. He won’t be ‘shouldering’ any additional costs. And you’re not violating his rights because he isn’t an owner, and his costs aren’t going up because Amy is moving in.
If Amy has such a great deal, would it be possible for her to sub-let her apartment to Joe? Or refer Joe to her landlord?
To me, it seems like Joe is getting very comfortable living with you and paying so little rent, and he sees Amy moving in as a threat to his continued living situation.
You need to be sure that Joe doesn’t interfere with Amy, her employment, or her cats. He may not be confrontational, but he could act out in a passive-aggressive manner.
Talk to an attorney to determine if you need to give Joe any notice to move out, and to determine what your responsibilities are under applicable landlord-tenant law.” MerryMoose923
15. AITJ For Telling My Family Not To Use Spanish On Christmas Day?
“My (f35) family is Mexican and we live in TX. Everyone in my family is bilingual and they tend to mix English and Spanish constantly. My siblings’ spouses have all learned some Spanish, some better, some worse, but they can still participate in all conversations.
I’ve been with my husband for 10 years. He took a few classes but he found it too difficult and decided that he can’t learn a language as it’s his thing just like math isn’t his thing and he dropped it.
At every family gathering (there are a lot of them) he feels left out because everyone switches back and forth and he doesn’t understand them.
I have to translate for him and it really must be uncomfortable for him.
This year he said that he’s not coming, he feels excluded, and even when he talks with non-Mexican spouses, they mix and match languages and he felts it’s to mock him because there’s no need to.
I called my mother and told her that they must promise to not speak Spanish because it’s excluding my husband or were not coming. My mother was angry, she told me they were not going to police their speech, that they were accommodating for the first few years but he made no effort and it’s ridiculous that he doesn’t even try.
I told her to at he did try but she knows it’s difficult for him.
She said that he was no longer invited and I can come on my own. I was really angry and repeated my ultimatum. This didn’t go down well.
My whole family is mad, my husband is on my side and I don’t know anymore. AITJ for giving them the ultimatum?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Well, your husband is the jerk but you’re the one joining in so.
A couple of classes simply aren’t enough to be able to claim he just can’t get it.
His not wanting to try is not your family’s problem. His being upset people dare speak a language he can’t and feeling mocked also isn’t anyone’s problem but his own.
I know some people simply can’t learn languages to a degree where communication is possible and that’s not their fault, but to me, it seems like husband is actively not trying at all instead of trying hard and failing.” MothmanNFT
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
It sucks feeling left out, but it’s his fault really. He had 10 years to learn Spanish and willingly chose not to because he found it difficult. Why would this be everyone else’s problem? No one forced him to not learn Spanish, he just refused to put effort into learning it.
He should live with the consequences of his choices; he married into a bilingual family and not learning their language even after 10 years of marriage, the consequence of that is that he won’t understand the Spanish everyone else speaks in the family. They’re not even speaking Spanish exclusively, but English too.
He’s entitled and whiny and he chose not to learn the language, yet excepts everyone else to coddle him and only speak English. He is the jerk and your unreasonable demands to your family also make you a jerk.” Available-Twist1907
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Your mother is right, you don’t get to police her language in her house.
Your husband sounds like he didn’t want to learn Spanish, it’s not that hard considering you speak Spanish and can help him. Everyone else who didn’t speak Spanish but married into your family learned but YOUR husband is the one who thinks it’s too hard.
No one expects perfection but you are wrong. And in the future when you have kids, he will keep them from learning Spanish too because he doesn’t want to be the only one in the house who doesn’t know the language. He’s beginning to isolate you from your family and you don’t even see it.” WickedAngelLove
14. AITJ For Telling My Mom About My Sister's Diagnosis?
“My (F29) sister (F27) and I are very, very close. She’s my best friend – which is why I can say that she’s a danger to herself and the people she loves. She has no impulse control, no empathy, and can be incredibly self-centered. When we were teenagers, I always thought it was a phase she would grow out of because she’s a good person underneath it all, but she hasn’t.
It’s gotten worse over the years.
My parents have been paying for her therapy since she was 17. It’s not a financial constraint for them – they’re well off and we’ve never really bothered about money. We both earn well too, but they wanted to help her out with this.
A couple of years ago, her therapist gave her a soft diagnosis of BPD and begged her to get a full psych evaluation done because she stressed the fact that the older she got, the tougher it would be to start management from scratch.
My sister told me this but requested I don’t tell our parents – not because of stigma (they’re wonderful people who’ve always supported our mental health, whether it was me coming out as bi or her therapy or me being on SSRIs for a short while) but because she didn’t want to get treatment.
If they knew, they would insist on her getting the best care and she ‘just didn’t want the hassle’.
Recently, her behavior has become more erratic and harmful. Hooking up without protection, using illegal stuff, drinking recklessly, getting a face tattoo and then getting it removed (in a span of 2 months), and driving under the influence.
Personally, she’s a mess too. Refused to bathe because of sensory overload and skipping literal weeks of work. She’s lucky to have an excellent employer in her field and her work (research) allows her these lapses.
I’m very worried, though, because I’ve been her key emotional and medical support over the years and I am heading overseas for further education soon.
I’ve been cleaning up her messes for so long, and now I can’t be there to do that. I ended up telling my mother about her soft diagnosis and asked her to help me help her.
My mother called my sister and offered to fly her down to our hometown (which has the best medical services in our country) and have her tests done.
My sister went ballistic, accusing me of breaking her trust and being the worst sister ever. She’s said hurtful things – including about my infertility – and has basically barricaded herself. Blocked me off across platforms, stopped answering my calls, and removed herself from our shared subscriptions.
I’m at a loss. I genuinely just want to make sure she’s okay but she’s painted me as a villain in front of all our common friends and has been ranting across social media about me (I got screenshots – it was embarrassing and hurtful).
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“I would say NTJ but just barely. BPD is something really hard and literally what it is essentially is self-destructive behavior. So she does need help, and since your parents are paying and it seems like you guys are all on good terms then it may be good that you informed them.
However, be really careful how you approach in the future. Also, understand that for your sister it does seem like the ultimate betrayal. With BPD it’s really hard to regulate your emotions and even people you love you tend to take out your anger on without really meaning to.
Also, do some research on your own time as to how to help her deal with it. There are plenty of resources to give more information to family and help you also understand the best way to navigate these matters.
I also have BPD and kind of have a similar situation of my sister knowing but my parents not.
However, I have BPD from childhood trauma so it’s different.
Essentially: you’re NTJ as long as your parents are ‘good’ parents (I use the term in a way such as non-abusive, understanding, etc.) but really you should be discussing these things with your sister.
If things ever get too bad, and you’re worried about her taking her life or something along the lines then you need to call for emergency services or get her admitted to a hospital.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
BPD is a tricky one.
Everything feels like a betrayal even if it was in their best interests. Whilst yeah, it’s your sister’s diagnosis and under normal circumstances, it would be kind of a jerk move to tell people without permission, I think if someone genuinely needs community support to help keep them safe then that should take priority, especially if they are refusing to get help from professionals.
Better some hurt feelings than dead.
I also just want to note that ultimately, whilst it’s great you love and want to help your sister, you should not be shouldering the responsibility for her by yourself. Please make sure you look after yourself.” MerlinTheSimp
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you are trying to make sure she is safe. There’s a saying, you can’t help those who won’t help themselves but sometimes people are not able to help themselves. I think this was done out of love and desperation. You broke her trust but if she does get help, a solid diagnosis, and treatment, she should see it differently.
In the meantime, you did all you can, the tough part is to sit back and watch her ruin herself till it’s so bad SHE has to clean up her own mess and own being.
Many mental illnesses can be extremely difficult to manage for the person and their loved ones.
Oftentimes it can go bad with either decision one makes. Just continue to love her, don’t engage in her gossip, or online slander and hope she figures it out soon. You can’t be her clean-up crew forever. Mental illnesses, regardless of soft diagnosis or solid ones, need to quit being stigmatized and hidden.
Good job being a caring sister. NTJ” CactusBloomi
13. AITJ For Getting Mad At My Parents For Always Being Late?
“My parents come to pick me up every Christmas to save me from getting a train, which I am extremely grateful for, but they absolutely refuse to set an exact time that they will show up.
I have crippling OCD which I’ve been to therapy for, yet no matter what I do I can’t seem to shake the sheer panic I feel when times are not set or people are late for set times without good reason (a lot of my friends, before they knew how anxious it made me, used to show up like an hour late with a coffee).
I’ve explained to them that I’ll have panic attacks, anxiety nausea, and horrible intrusive thoughts. I know it’s ridiculous but no matter how much mindfulness, coping mechanisms, etc. I do that I learned in therapy it just doesn’t go away.
This year I woke up early and got ready for them to pick me up at 10.
I got a call at 10 to say they weren’t going to pick me up until 2:30 at the earliest. When I asked for a reason they just said ‘oh we’re going with the flow there’s no need to set times’. I once again told them, like I do every time, how much it had upset me that they weren’t showing up at the set time again.
They then turned it around and started getting mad that I was putting a dampener on Christmas by trying to dictate to everyone and micromanage. They kept saying how annoying it was that I have all these ‘ailments’ that ruin things for everyone else.
For context, this is consistent throughout my life.
One year when I was 8 we didn’t get Christmas dinner because we didn’t show up until 8 pm when grandma had said dinner was at 5. Another time, on my birthday, I told them I wouldn’t be home most of the day but I will be there between 2 and 5 and they lost it because I was ‘trying to dictate their life’.
They showed up at 6 and rang me 64 times while I was in the cinema after I told them that’s where I’d be going. We’ve been turned away from countless reservations, appointments, etc. Because of the lateness.
I have a horrible feeling that my OCD surrounding time and lateness is a burden and my friends just aren’t saying anything to keep me from getting upset.
I honestly don’t know if this is a reasonable boundary or not.
AITJ?
EDIT: To clarify, I am officially diagnosed with OCD. Most of it I’m able to keep under wraps and manage it but this thing is the one thing that I can’t.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but also not going to change. Is it worth having the discussion with them stressing you out? If I were you I would just start making other arrangements. If they ask why tell them but don’t change your plans. Let them know this is what you are going to do and when and whether they can be a part of it or not.
If you really want to spend time with them schedule a day or two where you have no plans and it is at their whim. That way you still have some control over the situation but they also get their freedom.
Their attitude in general is very selfish and self-serving.
How have they worked and had jobs?” Ok-Koala-8665
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I think the concept of reasonable adjustments applies perfectly here. If you have particular needs on how people treat time with you, it’s not reasonable that people must comply to the nth degree with no regard for their life circumstances (e.g. must arrive at 14:00, 14:01 is unacceptable), but it’s completely reasonable that there is an adjustment where you all might come to an understanding it’s not possible to have an exact arrival time but you’ll expect their arrival within an agreed 2-hour window.
It sounds like you’ve got some great communication in place with your friends and you’ve chosen to be in each other’s lives because you can accommodate each other. Sadly we can’t choose our family though. Thank goodness we can choose our therapist!” NihilistAppleCrumble
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I can’t believe your parents’ behavior. Regularly missing appointments? Sending you 64 missed calls when you already said you’d be out? Missing Christmas dinner? They have no time management to an outright bizarre, debilitating degree. They are extremely rude and thoughtless… not to mention controlling.
It is controlling and emotionally abusive behavior to demand you have no plans, nothing else in your day, but wait around for hours and hours for when they might turn up.
Any sane person would develop OCD, stress, and anxiety from having to deal with two such lazy people.
I feel stressed just thinking about this and I’m someone who’s always late! Of course, they blame you so they can continue to enable each other’s toxic habits! Look after yourself OP keep strong boundaries and trust me you are not the burden… they are!” TheWuzzy
12. AITJ For Not Caring That My Son Told My Nephew That Santa Isn't Real?
“We don’t pretend Santa is a real person – you know, celebrate saint nick, but that’s it.
Christmas is still very magical for us all. LOL. Now, my husband’s sister is very Santa oriented. Incredibly so. He’s the magical being.
Now, our nephew has finally reached the stage in school where other kids are telling him Santa isn’t real. Either because they don’t believe it or because it’s their religion – recently two students at his holiday club told him that Santa was fake and it upset him pretty badly.
He came to my son and asked, who confirmed his suspicions. My nephew asked further questions and my son answered to the best of his ability – which was pretty well, as we have explained it all to him.
My nephew is heartbroken and quite angry and my SIL for lying to him.
Lying is bad and all that. He’s really bummed out. I feel a little bad, and my son has apologized for upsetting him, but in my opinion, it was going to happen sooner or later. It’s not that big of a deal – kids are resilient.
Still, she’s quite angry and wants me to get my son to say he lied, instead of her, which I am against. She’s telling me we’ve ruined his Christmas.
I told her, as I thought, that it wasn’t that big of a deal and he’d find out eventually.
She can’t lie to him forever.
She’s mad and has blocked me and insulted me to my husband, which I’m not bothered about. My husband is stuck in the middle and can see both sides. My MIL is as annoyed as my SIL, but she didn’t agree with me not teaching my son about Santa to begin with.
I just wondered what you all thought, really. Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
What is wrong with your SIL? Listen, the Santa myth is fine. It’s for very young children, and mom can explain it’s not a lie. It’s a myth tradition meant to bring joy and wonder to Christmas.
Santa is real in our hearts… yadda yadda.
But why is she making a huge deal out of him finding out?! Kids tell other kids. The smart ones pretend they still believe for a few years in hopes of more presents, but by kindergarten, most kids figure this one out!
Your husband isn’t ‘in the middle.’ His obligation is to the family he made. A good man would step up and intervene. He needs to shut down his sister and family’s unreasonable demands that you force the child to lie.” LadyCass79
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your son was just being honest with his cousin who he cares about after boys from school had already shattered the illusion. I understand sister-in-law is upset but asking a family member to backtrack and lie to her son purposely is not the answer in my opinion.
This is why I’ve always felt in my parenting that Santa is a questionable thing yes it’s magical when they’re little but eventually they find out you’ve been fooling them since birth?! Anyways since her son already heard it from multiple other sources I think she’s just choosing to pick a fight with you because you’re within arms reach.” Imaginary-Fall-7310
Another User Comments:
“Santa isn’t fake. Mythology is an idea. Santa is an idea of love and kindness and generosity. An idea that reminds us of how magical love is. Those things are intangible but they are real.
I grew up in a religion without Christmas.
My parents told us the truth but said everyone who knows the truth has a responsibility of kindness. They said some people need to believe in a tangible person to remind them of the intangible. We were taught that respecting others meant not lying but not using your version of the truth to bully people.
If you teach your kid a myth, you better have a plan for when they find out. And in the year of our lord 2022, there are too many sources of information for you to stop them from finding out. Some people struggle with their kids finding out because they don’t want their kids to grow up too fast.
SIL has a problem of her own making and she has to comfort her son and regain his trust. She can explain the lessons of Santa to her son and help him adjust Your son is not the one who brought it up and is NTJ.” Yfrontdude
11. AITJ For Telling My Father-In-Law To Leave?
“I (29m) have a wife (28f) and we have 2 children (1-week-old boy, 4f). My FIL has been over every day since our son was born, I have a good relationship with him but he is too involved in our lives and doesn’t do anything.
A few days ago I was feeding my son when my FIL took my son off me and started feeding him himself. I was mad but my wife gave me that face to not do anything. Later on, after dinner, I was watching tv with my son and daughter (son was laying on my chest and was sleeping) my son was sleeping and so was my daughter until my FIL had an angry face on him that I didn’t wash up properly cause there was still food on the plates (we use a dishwasher).
I told him we used the dishwasher. He yelled louder which made my wife come in and take our kids upstairs. I told him that if he thinks they are dirty then he can go wash them up, he had a grumpy face on and said I don’t want to.
I told him if he isn’t interested in helping he can leave and pointed to the door.
He told me I can’t speak to him like that because ‘he is in charge’. I told him to shut up and he finally did. As he was walking out the door I waved goodbye and blew him a kiss.
I went upstairs and my wife told me I shouldn’t have been so harsh and sarcastic.”
Another User Comments:
“HE’S IN CHARGE?! In YOUR house. BAYBEEEEEE! I would have absolutely blown up. No one is going to talk to me like that in my house, or anywhere, ever, and see my children ever again.
I understand your wife is so freshly postpartum (way too fresh for family members to be encroaching like that, no less) but you need to tell her in no uncertain terms your FIL is not allowed back in your house, ever.
Also, he does not want to spend time with his grandkids and make sure they’re happy.
If that were the case he would respect that this is not the time for him to be visiting constantly, and he would be helpful when he did. Yelling in front of them is absolutely unacceptable. Speaking to their parents like that is unacceptable. He needs to go.
NTJ but you need to lay down the law here.” OnyxRose31216
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I think you and your wife need to have a serious conversation about boundaries, and then about what boundaries to set with him. If he truly has the impression that ‘he’s in charge’ you need to nip this in the bud right away.
This is YOUR home – yours and your wife’s. He doesn’t have dominion over YOUR home. He should only be allowed at your home when you are ready and willing to have him there. Not just when and how long he sees fit. And he certainly doesn’t get to dictate things there either.
He also doesn’t get to usurp your time with your baby. My guess based on the described behavior is that he cherishes the male child over the female one. His generation tends to believe things this way. If he’s allowed to continue, I think you will begin to see more of this over time too.
Did he do the same thing with the female child or not?” Special-Parsnip9057
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you handled the situation perfectly, this guy is stepping all over you and trying to force himself on as an authority in your house. It is your and your wife’s house.
Now it’s time to have a confrontation with your wife about her father’s intrusiveness, and about her actively trying to push you into being his subordinate as well. It doesn’t matter how her nuclear family ran when she was a child, that’s not how your house is running and if she won’t handle her father you will.
Because your father-in-law is a jerk for sure, but the real jerk is the person who opened the door for him to enter the house.” JCBashBash
10. AITJ For Not Buying A Christmas Gift For My Nephew?
“So a couple of years ago when I was 25 and my ex was 24 we were together 3 years, prior to breaking up we had a wonderful relationship and she got along great with my family.
On our 3rd anniversary, I was running around planning things and when I came home she was in bed with my brother, I was obviously devastated and they both didn’t think they did anything wrong.
We obviously broke up and she moved in with him and after months of them going out she got pregnant with their son, everyone in my family knows what happened and cut them off except for my parents which I would never want them to and I have been in low contact with my brother.
After 2 years of the initial heartbreak and picking myself up I met my now-partner at work and we hit it off great, she made me happy again, this Christmas will be our first Christmas together and we both invited members of our family since I’m in low contact with my brother and already gave my parents their gifts since they couldn’t travel I decided to buy my partner’s family some things.
A couple of days ago I got a call from my parents who informed me that my ex passed and they were wondering if my brother could spend Christmas with me since I’m doing something and they aren’t, I told them no and they dropped it.
Next thing I know I got a call from my brother who was crying and yelling at me about how heartless to leave my nephew high and dry because my brother spent all of his money keeping them afloat and the least I could do is buy him something.
I just hung up and focused on my Christmas decorations.
Now my brother and father won’t stop texting me telling me I’m a jerk, so AITJ?
Edit: So I didn’t invite them to the Christmas party and silenced my phone during the holiday and two days after Christmas I contacted my brother, he was upset and yelling at me but I didn’t return the energy and asked if we could meet up.
He agreed and we met later that day at a coffee shop and he brought my nephew along, I did end up buying him a couple of presents and his face lit up the cafe we were in, I also decided to help my brother with some financial things and told him about a job that was hiring and a daycare that’s suitable for my nephew’s age.
We talked a lot and he basically apologized the whole time I forgave him a long time ago but it happened already and things won’t go back to how they were, I got to Cameron who by the way is in love with black panther.
That was basically it, my brother and I’s relationship will obviously never be the same as it was in our teen years but I will keep in contact with him with boundaries, and I also took Cameron to see the new black panther movie and now he calls me almost every day to talk about random scenes.
I do think I did the right thing here at least in my heart I did and that’s about it.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and apparently your dad is the reason your brother is such a narcissist. They didn’t know what they did wrong.
Now after years of low contact, he has the nerve to not even call and try to talk it out, but to make demands and make YOU out to be the bad guy? That’s a whole lotta nope for me. Enjoy your holidays with the person that makes you happy and let your brother learn to be a man and take care of his own kid.” Turbulent-Army2631
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You aren’t obligated to give anyone anything. If they demand it, it takes the whole idea of ‘gift’ away, anyway. It would’ve been different if you were asked. But being pushed around about it, and eventually harassed for it, makes them big-time jerks.
The whole situation sucks, but it’s not on you to fix it. The kid is young enough, anyway, that he’s not going to notice the number of presents he’ll have (and might have even more fun with the wrapping paper, to be honest).” icedtea4all
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Correct me if I am wrong, but if you are in low contact with your brother that also means you have never met your nephew. You wouldn’t even know what to get him in the first place. And if your brother doesn’t know that Christmas isn’t all about gifts then why is he even celebrating it?
He should teach his kid that sometimes getting a gift isn’t what matters. They’re both mourning, he should just focus on healing and teaching his kid about correctly coping with loss than worrying about him getting a toy. You’re NTJ, and your brother needs to watch Tim Allen’s Santa Claus, maybe he’ll learn something about the holiday.” TheSlimeBallSupreme
However, I love your update/edit. I commend you. You seem like a very good person. You're a much better person than I would probably be in that situation.
9. AITJ For Proving A Point By Not Taking The Dog Out?
“My husband (M 36) and I (F 33) have been married for 12 years. We have a 5-year-old dog and we recently had our first baby which has created a new dynamic in our relationship. I feel like my husband is continuing his life like there is no little person depending on us, whereas I have completely changed my life around.
He sleeps through the night, sleeps in, takes an hour-long dump and 2-hour-long showers, takes his mental break walks at the beach, goes for a run, and goes to the gym… I on the other hand had to cancel my gym membership because I couldn’t make time to go, am staying late preparing bottles for the following day, waking up multiple times a night, waking up early to feed the baby, get him ready for daycare, get ready for work myself, take the dog out, feed the dog and take the baby to daycare all before my husband comes out of the bathroom.
This morning, I did everything but take the dog out and left for work on purpose. My husband called me as I got into my office and asked if I took care of the dog and I said no. He sounded really frustrated because he was already on his way to work.
He complained about how he has to now turn around and take care of the dog and that’s going to really cut it close to making it to work on time. I just said good luck and went about my day. I felt like I needed to do this because he was not changing his routine to fit our new life and the more I take care of everything, the more he was going to think it was ok for me to do it all.
AITJ for using my dog to make a point?
Also if he really couldn’t take care of the dog, I could go and do it, I work 10min from the house
Clarification: the dog was not really in any danger. He sometimes sleeps in till 9:30/10 when we’re home and doesn’t even come downstairs.
He usually comes downstairs ready to go out so I take him out since I’m up and ready and don’t know how long my husband will take to come downstairs. He has a flexible work schedule and makes his own time so he doesn’t have a regular time he has to leave the house by.
I work a regular corporate 8-5 job so I have a routine. That morning the dog was still upstairs so I didn’t bring him down to take him out. I left him for my husband to take care of. Also, I work 10 min from home if it really ended up he couldn’t, I would have left work to do it.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Whilst yes the dog didn’t understand the dog would have also gone on the floor if really needed which would have served your husband right BUT you need to cut his showers short no one needs a 2-hour shower and the only guys I’ve known doing that were unfaithful.
Also wake him up if the baby cries and tell him it’s his turn, even if you breastfeed if you are able to pump I would so there is a supply at night and you don’t always have to wake. Just telling him that his attitude won’t fly anymore and that he cannot keep doing this and if he wants to act like he is a single man then he can pack his stuff and get out as at this point you’d be better off as a single mum, it’s better to be a single mum and know you have to do that stuff than have someone lazing around not helping.” RavenBlueEyes84
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. The dog is innocent here. Husband is massively a jerk for not being a parent at all. Those things you listed off – the long time spent in the bathroom, going to the gym, walks on the beach alone – any one of those is horrifyingly bad behavior considering he’s a new parent.
But then putting it all together? He’s being an overwhelmingly shockingly bad and absent parent, sounds like. I don’t know what his redeeming qualities could possibly be.” r2bl3nd
Another User Comments:
“Your husband is acting like an absolute jerk and it’s still the 1950s.
You need to have a very frank conversation with him. You are also working and from the sounds of it, you are doing everything around the house. This is not sustainable – you will burn out as it’s only a matter of when not if.
Hubby either needs to start chipping in and helping around the house. Life is now very different than it was before the baby was born. If he doesn’t want to help, then he needs to pay for either a nanny or a housekeeper. You absolutely need help here.
But please, don’t use the dog again to get back at your husband – there are other ways to get this across to him.
NTJ but if you use the dog like this again, then you’d be a huge jerk.” User
Another User Comments:
“I don’t want to call you a jerk, but sorry, everyone sucks here.
What is done is done. The dog was an innocent victim in this cold war, and while that sucks, plenty of dogs have their routines disrupted and are fine (owner being sick, stuck in traffic, late meeting). So don’t wallow in guilt over it, but it wasn’t good to make the dog wait so you could prove a point to your husband.
That makes you a bit of a jerk.
So now, realizing you are so frustrated you would act this way, talk to your husband. Tell him this isn’t working. He doesn’t get to do nothing with the dog and the baby, while you do it all.
There has to be a new division of labor, the end. You can tell him you are really disappointed he didn’t even seem to realize that he had to change his habits/preferences and that he was fine watching you drown while he went about his day.
And you can admit you should have spoken to him sooner.
But be very clear. He is an adult who wanted a dog and a baby, he shouldn’t need to be ‘guided’ through what it means to have them and take care of them. So you will now have a conversation about dividing duties – he does dog stuff, you do baby stuff in the morning, you alternate getting up with the baby, etc – but you aren’t going to remind him daily of his general responsibilities, and of course, you can both ask for help since this is a partnership that won’t always be equal.” mfruitfly
8. AITJ For Saying My Cousin Is Entitled When She Asked For My Unused College Fund?
“I (F21) have a cousin, Liv (21F). Liv is my aunt’s stepdaughter (but I’ve known her since she was 7 so to me she’s just my cousin, but this becomes relevant).
My mother is my grandfather’s stepdaughter also (again, relevant).
My grandparents set up a college fund for me when I was little. I ended up not going to college, so the fund was never used, and my grandparents said they would keep the money until I wanted to use it for something like an apartment.
When I turned 21, I got access to a trust fund set up by my other grandfather, mum’s bio dad, so I have never used the college fund money.
Ever since learning this, Liv and my aunt have been saying that Liv should get the money from my unused college fund to pay off her student loans since my grandparents didn’t set up a college fund for her.
My grandparents said no to this, so they tried to convince my mum to help them sway my grandparents. My mum absolutely shut this down and said my aunt is a hypocrite because she spent her whole life taunting her over the gifts she got from her grandparents that my mum didn’t because they weren’t her grandparents.
Since then, my aunt and Liv moved on to badgering me. I keep telling them I don’t have any right to tell my grandparents what to do with their money.
We are all staying with my grandparents for Christmas and they’ve been cornering me constantly.
Eventually, I got sick of it and told Liv she was an entitled brat for going around harassing people for money that wasn’t hers in the first place. Liv started crying and said I had no right to say that since I have never worked a day in my life, and that she should have had a college fund from them in the first place.
She and my aunt have left me alone since the argument but Liv seems really hurt and has been quiet for a couple of days. My grandparents keep asking why she is sulking but she hasn’t told them and I haven’t either, but I’m wondering if I went too far.
The thing is, I know I’m lucky, but that’s all it is luck. I’ve never asked anyone for their money or thought I deserved it just because of who I happen to have in my family. I don’t think it would be right of me to even ask my grandparents to do something with their money that they obviously didn’t want to do in the first place.
But I keep wondering if what I said to Liv was too harsh.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your grandparents set that money aside for you. You made the statement that you chose not to go to college. What you should tell your aunt and cousin is ‘I haven’t chosen to go to college YET.
I’m still sorting out my areas of interest so I know what I want to study when I go to college so I can be focused on courses that will help me in my chosen field.’
I had a friend who got her degree at 85, so there’s no guarantee that just because you didn’t go to college right away that you won’t go later.
Actually, some people who go to college directly after high school would benefit from taking a break and figuring out what they want to do in life before going back to school.” Legitimate-Moose-816
Another User Comments:
“You were harsh.
As you said, you were lucky.
She was not – her need is not necessarily entitlement. That was your judgment of her, and totally blind to the fact she doesn’t have luck on her side and needs that support.
You’re right you can’t tell your grandparents what to do, and you could’ve simply told Liv that.
YTJ for adding insult to injury… you just did to Liv what your mom felt from your aunt in a way, cause you invalidated Liz’s need as undeserved (entitlement). After all, she didn’t have your luck. You didn’t necessarily deserve your luck.
And I’d think it’s funny to see what your potential daughters’ luck is and if they keep this going another generation…” mayfeelthis
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The crux of the problem is that our education system puts the next generation at the mercy of what the previous generation has set aside for them.
Opportunities for education should be provided for free to everyone who is wanting to receive an education regardless of how their parents or grandparents were. Young people should focus on learning, not on money. It certainly shouldn’t be the basis for inter-family strife.” spiritfiend
7. WIBTJ If I Take Back My Heirloom?
“My grandmother passed away a few years ago. Before she died, she made a list for another relative who cared for her full time to divide certain heirlooms and belongings to her wishes (I don’t know why she didn’t have a will and it was never explained to me).
Anyway, she told this relative to give me certain baking dishes, as well as a VERY old glass cake stand. It’s multiple generations old and traveled west across the country in a covered wagon to where my family settled.
This relative all but shut down for years after her death, and while the items were carefully preserved, no one received the items they were meant to inherit.
Fast forward to last year. The said relative dies suddenly. They had no will either, so there was no way to ensure that those items as well as their own possessions were handled to their wishes aside from being told who was supposed to inherit what.
Here’s where the problems really start, as they often do in these cases, but come a time when everyone finally had to get together and make these decisions, my parent laid claim to what I was to inherit. They’ve always coveted the cake stand especially and said that Grandmother had always intended for them to look after this family heirloom all along (a lie, by the way, as she even told me before she’d died that she wanted me to have it because I actually bake like she did and she trusted me to actually keep it safe and not sell it).
I protested, but was essentially told to hush as ‘I’d inherit it after my parent’s death anyway.’ I think it really bothered them that their mother didn’t want them to have it.
But it just doesn’t sit well with me.
Like at all. It’s less about owning an antique to me, and more about disrespecting my Grandmother’s wishes, as well as disrespecting me by taking what was meant to be a sentimental gift from my Grandmother. I feel like she entrusted me with something important to her, and it’s being attempted to be swept away from me out of spite/greed. If I felt like my parent would take good care of it, I’d possibly let it slide for a while.
BUT. My parent happens to be a hoarder and I’m afraid of the heirloom becoming damaged, broken, or lost in the piles, which my Grandmother didn’t want. WIBTJ if I were to just take it home? It’d likely be months before it would even be noticed.”
Another User Comments:
“You wouldn’t be a jerk for taking that.
But I suggest doing something else than just taking it and vanishing. Even if they don’t notice it for months when they do it will create problems in your house.
A better option would be to ask them if you can take it with yourself temporarily.
Like to show it to some friends/colleagues or you want to use it for an event somewhere. Then promptly ‘forget’ to bring it back for months.
And if they ask about it months later, tell them that grandma always wanted to pass it for her so you thought to keep it and use it like she would.
In baking and decorating it with cakes.
None of this is wrong, aside from ‘forgetting to return it’ part.
If needs further reasons to keep it then bake some amazing cakes and use them as a stand for photography and stuff and when they ask about it show them how you are using it.
Maybe bake something to remember your grandma.” Mystery-Magic
Another User Comments:
“The moment you said your parent was a hoarder, I thought, just take it, it won’t be noticed.
So, while I do think you would be the jerk, I also understand desperate times call for desperate measures.
So here’s what I would do. I’d get a different cake stand, kind of like your grandma’s. If the heirloom has ornate decorations, the replacement needs to be ornate. If it was smooth, the replacement needs to be smooth.
Then I’d switch them. If the switch is noticed, I’d scratch my head, ask parent if they’re certain & say it looks like the heirloom to me.
I know that’s gaslighting. So be prepared for the fallout: heirloom can never be used once in your possession until parent dies AND when parent dies you have to fight for the ‘heirloom’ as if your life depends on it. If you lost, then after several years, maybe even a decade, you can pull out an heirloom claiming to have purchased it at a flea market/thrift shop.
You’ll have to take that secret to the grave. Oh. & parent can never come to your house. My mom would go through all my cabinets & clean my garage under the guise of helping, just to find the heirloom. But we’re both petty.” rtgd_mmm
6. WIBTJ If I Don't Tell My Family About My Pregnancy?
“I (24f) absolutely adore my family and I am not pregnant but we are trying this upcoming year.
A few years ago (the year I turned 21) I got pregnant. It wasn’t on purpose (my partner and I weren’t in the greatest place ) and I did take plan b but the test came back positive anyway.
I’ve always wanted to be a mom (my family knew this and doted all my life on how caring I was and how good of a mother I’d be) but the timing wasn’t the best time. Regardless, I fell in love with that baby. When it came time to tell my family I was met with the most disapproval, disappointment, and anger I have experienced. Only one person in my life was happy for me when I announced it and after I had my child they abandoned me because they didn’t know how to be friends with someone who had a baby.
The whole ordeal made me absolutely sick and depressed. As I progressed in my pregnancy they were more supportive and now that my child is here my family ADORES them. They are wonderful with my toddler.
Since having my child, one of my siblings has announced pregnancy(twice.), and while happy for them seeing my family celebrating and elated about the pregnancy has broken my heart.
I feel almost robbed of that experience and excitement, but I never pushed those feelings onto my sibling and just celebrated for them the way I wish they had celebrated me.
I can’t watch announcement videos without crying or feeling angry because I’ll never have that back… and I never want to feel that way again.
WIBTJ if I just didn’t bother to tell my family until they noticed/asked or the baby arrives?
Edit: This isn’t to hurt my family. I love them beyond belief, it’s more about protecting myself because I don’t ever want to feel that way again.
I have gone through therapy, for more than two years. I started it just after my child was born so I could be the absolute best mom I could be.
I am financially independent, I haven’t relied on anyone for anything though my family has helped once in a while without me asking because they love me and my child.
I have addressed this situation with my family and we have talked about it thoroughly. I told them how it made me feel and they apologized profusely. I forgive them, but that doesn’t make what they said sting any less when it comes to mind.
I don’t hold it against them. I fully understand why and where they were coming from but regardless I didn’t deserve the AWFUL things they said to me and about me.”
Another User Comments:
“It’s obvious that you were very hurt by the lack of positive reaction to your baby news when you were 21.
You say yourself that it wasn’t the best time to have a baby, but you decided to go ahead with the pregnancy anyway. Your friends and family had their reactions to your news and I assume they shared their reasons for their reaction, right? They had what I assume to be honest reactions and you took those reactions very personally, as a negative evaluation of you rather than a natural concern for jumping into parenthood so early.
You say yourself you’ve barely made ends meet in the past and that’s a good example of what your family might have been concerned about that and why they didn’t jump for joy.
Since you’re actively still hurting to the point that you are angry and crying at announcements then I’d recommend having a chat with important family members about their reactions at that time and how deeply it affected you.
Maybe they can explain or reassure in a way that will allow you to you move forward and heal, including allowing you to enjoy announcing your next pregnancy. YWBTJ.” DrKittyLovah
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ
A 21-year-old in a tumultuous, on-off-again relationship with a currently-off partner being unexpectedly pregnant is a very different thing than a 24-year-old in a solid place having a kid.
And you know it.
You are aware that this is different and sour that your own happenstance is what ruined your own experience for you.
You robbed yourself.
Your parents’ lack of approval and enthusiasm was appropriate and they have more than made up for it since.
If you go through with this whole scheme to punish them, it will permanently solidify that you are the disappointing *******. You’re looking for a reason to ‘prove’ they are bad people, and manufacturing a scenario you know will return a result which will let you.” millac7
Another User Comments:
“I don’t think this is a jerk thing, it’s a life thing.
I don’t think I’d be happy/excited for a family member who was 21, in a bad relationship or having an unplanned baby. That doesn’t mean I wouldn’t love the baby as a person but doesn’t mean I need to condone the parents’ choices.
And it’s okay for friends to go in different directions. Most 21-year-olds don’t want to factor someone finding babysitting into their plans.
If you’re now in a committed relationship, and financially stable, and able to support another child, that’s different. Although, you’re still young, are you financially independent?
But if you don’t tell/incorporate your family, expect it to lead to more isolation. Including the effect on your toddler.” Usrname52
5. AITJ For Cutting My Partner's Dog's Fur?
“I (29M) have been with my partner (29F) for 3 years now. About 6 months ago she moved into my place (I am the sole owner). As I could comfortably live alone and I do not charge her rent or bills as I’d prefer for her to save for our future plans and be sustainable in life without money worries (she stresses a lot now at the moment).
There was one stipulation to her moving in and I completely understand her grievances. Unfortunately, I am terribly allergic to dogs, especially their hair. Puffy eyes, sneezing, tight chest, you name it. She has a dog and I told her if she moves in I’d prefer if it stayed with her parents.
She wasn’t happy but considering my allergies agreed and accepted this until about 3 weeks ago. Her parents have decided they can no longer look after the dog. It’s a labrador and they shed hair in bucket loads – her parents got sick of cleaning it up.
Now it was either put the dog up for adoption or the dog moves into my place. My partner was heartbroken and wouldn’t even budge at the thought of adoption. She was adamant she’d keep the dog away from me and there would be no issues as the dog would never be in sight and restricted to one room.
I still don’t think she fully accepts the nature of my allergies. But nonetheless, I do love the thought of dogs and I couldn’t see her upset over giving her animal up. I agreed with her conditions and warned her it would only be a trial to see how I get on around the dog.
As you can imagine the dog was never restricted to one room. The poor dog cries if it’s stuck in one room. Anyways, there were hairs everywhere. Roaming room to room. My allergies go through the roof. I work from home so this was a nightmare.
I tried to speak to my partner and let her know we can’t continue like this the dog needs to go she flipped out and said she’d go with it if that’s the case and I was heartless. We agreed that she would attempt to train the dog.
This was over a week ago and no effort has been put into this. I had enough I called a groomer to shave the dog and at least try and make the situation more manageable for myself. I thought it was a fair compromise. Anyways my partner came home and went absolutely crazy and we argued and she left. I don’t think she’s coming back I think we’ve broken up.
I accept my actions weren’t fair. However, I can’t live with her and the dog. AITJ?
Edit: The groomer never stipulated that it shouldn’t be cut. If they did I wouldn’t have. Simple. I should’ve done the research and a quick Google shows that it’s obvious I shouldn’t have done this.
I am no dog expert and am not passing the blame onto the groomer it’s my fault.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Don’t date people with dogs. Don’t let dogs move in with you. Take medication. Get a Roomba to vacuum every day.
All of these choices are better than harming the dog.
Shaving the coat doesn’t change shedding. It just changes the length of the fur being shed and makes the dog’s skin and coat less healthy. You shouldn’t have dated a dog owner, you shouldn’t have let the dog live with you, you should have seen an allergist, and you could have gotten a robot vacuum to work on cleaning the hair.
But you no longer have a partner or any problems now that she’s left.” wildferalfu
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
I get that it’s a tough situation and that your partner wasn’t doing what was necessary to accommodate your allergies.
Then again, you wrote about the behaviors, but not about allergy symptoms, so I’m skeptical. Maybe you just didn’t bother to mention them, but I’d think that your partner would have understood better if you were having severe reactions.
You had no right to do what you did. Period.
What’s more, it probably wouldn’t even have helped with an allergy, because it’s not really the hair itself that causes most allergies. It’s compounds that stick to the hair.
Bathing the dog frequently would probably have solved the allergic reaction long enough for you to build tolerance for that specific dog.
Unless you’re going to the emergency room frequently and maxing out on steroids, you’d probably have developed a tolerance for that specific dog.
You done screwed the pooch, my dude.” MarkedHeart
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – you’re not supposed to shave labs, for Pete’s sake.
You’ve permanently screwed up its coat and ruined its ability to thermoregulate. it will NEVER grow back the same.
YOU don’t even understand your own allergy – it’s not the hair itself that causes allergies, it’s the dander. A good comb-out and bath would have improved things, along with frequent vacuuming.
I mean your partner sucks too, allergies are no joke and can get worse with further exposure. You all should just live separately. But you’re solidly the jerk for messing with the dog.” Kai-ni
4. AITJ For Not Wanting To Be My Wife's Babysitter?
“I (30M) am married to my wife (26F). She gave birth to our twins on Halloween. In both of our cultures, after a woman gives birth, both sides of the family are heavily involved to ensure that the mother is well taken care of.
Our front door is basically revolving around different people coming in to bring food, help out with housework, or to give my wife a break from the kids while I’m at work. Naturally, my wife’s parents are at our home almost every day.
Now, I’m the first to admit that my wife is a bit of a maniac.
Temperature change does not affect her at all. She can wear a t-shirt and leggings outside all year round and she’ll be totally fine but then her hands and feet will be ice cold which isn’t good. Right now, we’re experiencing some pretty heavy snowfall and I have to remind her to wear a jacket when she goes outside.
Yesterday, my FIL dropped in while my wife was out. She had gone to the local store to get some chocolate. My FIL is the type of FIL who thinks no man is good enough for his daughter. I can understand to a certain extent because she’s his only daughter and youngest child but he’s pretty hostile to me a lot, claiming that I don’t take care of her well enough.
She always defends me and has gone in low contact a few times.
When he came over, he asked where she was and I said that she had gone to the store. After receiving an earful about how horrible I am for not going to get chocolate for her (I offered, but she wanted to go herself), my wife got back and she only had a t-shirt on.
She was red-faced and her fingers had turned pink but she was totally fine like she always is. He took one look at her and asked me why I ‘let’ her leave without a jacket on pretty rudely. I rolled my eyes and told him I wasn’t her babysitter.
We got into an argument and he said I was mocking him and being disrespectful and he’s calling me a jerk. He’s now demanding that I apologize but I genuinely don’t see what I’ve done wrong here. Other family members are telling me to just give in and apologize.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s nice that you remind her, but no you are not her keeper/father/babysitter, whatever have you. She doesn’t ask your permission to do things because she is her own individual person. You are her partner. Sounds like FIL has some antiquated views of relationships/marriage.
I’d be holding your ground on this. How he perceived it is on him.” litt3lli0n
Another User Comments:
“Your FIL infantilizes his daughter so much that he speaks about her to her husband rather than directly to her. The issue is bigger than wearing a jacket; instead of speaking to his daughter, he scolds the man whom he views as having authority over her, i.e. you.
It’s altogether very weird, and you are right, you can’t force your wife to wear a jacket, even though she should. NTJ, obviously.” Charbel33
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but I do wonder about your wife. She may not think too much of the weather (and may have some medical condition) but it does still affect her body.
It might be good to see what she thinks about mindfully wearing more appropriate and protective clothing for cold weather to model it for your children. It can be hard enough to get littles to wear appropriate clothing without having a parent who just goes out in a t-shirt in the snow!
And babies are definitely more susceptible to temperature changes, to the point it can be dangerous. You can still tell FIL to stuff it tho. LOL.” Fickle-Square199
3. AITJ For Leaving My Husband To Come To A Christmas Trip To Hawaii?
“Every year my family spends our Christmas in Hawaii. We’ve done it every year since I can remember and it’s a fun family tradition for me. After me and my husband had kids we had to reorganize our family Christmas plans because his parents wanted to see our kids for Christmas, so we decided that we would celebrate Christmas with his parents on New Year’s and go to Hawaii for actual Christmas.
This is the system that worked for us until last year. Last year his dad passed away around this time of the year and it hit him and his mom hard. For obvious reasons, we didn’t go to Hawaii.
This year we planned out what we’d do for the holidays early.
We’d do Thanksgiving with his mom, and we’d do Christmas in Hawaii since I and the kids missed out last year. Things were going well until right before our flight. About a week out, he said he was unsure. He said that he thinks it might be better that we stay.
He said he really wanted to spend Christmas with his family and felt like his mom really needed it.
I was unhappy about this, we made a plan, we saw her last month, and we already had my dad buy our tickets and hotel, so it would be incredibly unfair to me, him, and our kids for us to not go just for his mom, who we’d see a few days after we got back anyways.
We got into an argument about it and proposed that I and the kids can go to Hawaii and he can stay there with his mom. He decided to do this but he was very clearly upset that I wasn’t going to forgo my family’s Christmas tradition and see my family just for his mom.
So now I’m in Hawaii watching and rangling the kids by myself. While he’s home alone. He has said texted me or responded to me much. When I call him he only talks for about 3 minutes before wanting to get off the phone with me and talk to the girls.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here
I feel for your husband, he lost his Dad a year ago and his Mom is spending Christmas without her partner.
With plane tickets bought and hotels arranged – a week out is not enough time to change plans.
I agree with you about not wanting to cancel and taking the kids to see your family.
I do think you need to cut him some slack here though – the holidays can be really hard for people who have lost loved ones recently. I think you’re all doing your best in this situation and I don’t think there is any right answer here.
Hopefully, your husband can join you next year, and maybe you could have a conversation about that when you get back.” ShakeyBacon
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for this ‘After me and my husband had kids we had to reorganize our family Christmas plans because his parents wanted to see our kids for Christmas, so we decided that we would celebrate Christmas with his parents on New Year and go to Hawaii for actual Christmas’.
What part exactly did you reorganize? You still kept going to Hawaii every year, it was your husband’s parents who change their Christmas celebration to New Year.
Obviously, husband shouldn’t have waited till after the tickets were bought before voicing his concerns but it really doesn’t sound like it would have made a difference.
You make it sound like your father’s in law passing away last year was just an inconvenience that kept you from going on your trip and your failing to show your husband any empathy, you’re just thinking about yourself.” Responsible_Hope_831
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
If he had suggested 6 months ago – before the trip was planned and paid for – that you spend Christmas with his mom and adjusted the family holiday/Christmas schedule accordingly, then that would be different. But he waited until one week before after you’d already spent Thanksgiving with her and the whole trip was paid for, to suggest canceling your side of the family’s holiday and doing Christmas with her as well.
I completely understand that he’s grieving, but pushing through it a bit to support your family and honor the people you have left is just a reality of long-term grief. There are no guarantees in life. What if one of OP’s parents isn’t still here next Christmas and they missed their last opportunity for this special week?
Bottom line: I understand and commiserate with his feelings, but I think casually expecting his whole family to cancel an amazing trip that was already paid for was unreasonable given the time frame, and at the very least, he shouldn’t punish you for still going when he didn’t.” JennnnnP
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Also a spoiled jerk. Your husband felt pressure to agree to go back to tradition. He tried to accommodate your spoiled expectations despite his grief. Yet as the time grew closer, he just realized he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t leave his family.
You have had every Xmas in Hawaii. You’ve missed one year while he is reflecting on all the Christmases he missed out on with his dad that he can never get back. He’s hurting, his mom is hurting and you are behaving like ‘look, one Christmas is enough for you to get over it now come be happy with MY family.’
It’s selfish and you’ve physically and emotionally abandoned your husband at the worse possible time of the year. In the past 3 weeks alone I’ve seen 3 friends lose family members to s*****e. He needs you and you chose not to be there. Seriously, you should take the next flight home.” Girl_with_no_Swag
While I wholeheartedly sympathize with your husband - I just lost my mom about six weeks ago - the time to speak up about any changes in the family holiday plans was when y'all were making them, not three weeks out from a major trip that's already been paid for. I think y'all came up with an equitable solution. He has no business being salty with you for the decision HE made to change plans.
Everyone processes grief differently, and I think perhaps your husband was feeling guilty for "abandoning" his mom, and that's okay. What isn't okay is blaming you for a situation that doesn't have a perfect solution. He owes you an apology.
2. AITJ For Making My Son Stay With His Sister?
“I (43f) have 4 children ages 21f, 20f, 18f, and 16m. My fiance (38m) and I are team truck drivers, and we are on the road for a couple of months at a time, leaving my son with my 18-year-old at a house we are renting.
Well, we are making some changes to our finances in order to buy a house, which means downsizing.
We are moving out of the rented house, and my fiance’s parents are letting us move into a camper they have on some empty property they own in a different state from where we live now.
My fiance is not my children’s biological father. Their father is not in the picture. I have raised them by myself since about 10 months after my son was born. My fiance and I have been together for 2 years.
My son has voiced that he doesn’t want to move away from his school, his friends, and his sisters.
So I allowed my son to stay with his sister, who is okay with that.
Here is where I may be the jerk: I didn’t talk to my fiance before making the decision to let my son stay with his sister. My fiance says I should’ve asked him how he felt about that.
My thinking was: I am his mother, biologically, and legally. I don’t need to consult anyone other than myself, my daughter, and my son because those are the only ones directly involved.
My fiance wants to force my son to move when he doesn’t want to, to a camper, by himself, in an unfamiliar place, around unfamiliar people.
Essentially ripping him from his friends, his school, and his family.
I moved around a lot as a kid because of my family’s affiliation with the military. I didn’t have a choice. My son has options. And I am trying to take his mental health into consideration.
So AITJ for not asking my fiance before allowing my son to move in with his sister?
To add: he is moving in with his oldest sister (21f) and her partner.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your fiancé, on the other hand, is seriously over-stepping his boundaries.
You’re absolutely right: your fiancé has no say whatsoever in the care and disposition of your children. This seems to be more of a ‘power play’ or grab for authority than anything else.
Think long and hard about what this type of behavior will mean in the future.
Once you two are married, will he start behaving this way about other aspects of your lives? Will he start to act as if his decisions are the only ones that matter? Better to figure this out before you say, ‘I do’.” PuttingTheRonInWrong
Another User Comments:
“NTJ in any way and I applaud you for your career in trucking my parents both were team drivers it was their second career after retiring from the first one. They ran flatbed coast to coast yes oversized loads. I would like to mention he’s your fiancee so yes you absolutely did the right call by letting your son live with his sister.
And also I want you to be cautious he’s behavior. Yes, your kids are old enough that in their eyes he’s your husband, not a father figure nor do they want one or need one.
You did an amazing job raising them. This is the concern that he may be trying harder to have a parent/child relationship in the future.
Or just act like he is a parent and do something to push your kids to actually hate him. I see you have made very good boundaries in this situation. Just be cautious in the future he will most likely try to parent your son or his sisters.” Smart_Space_1045
Another User Comments:
“You are NTJ for not consulting your fiance.
However, you are abandoning your 16-year-old son. Of course, you shouldn’t move a teenager if you can avoid it. The social dynamics of teens are hard enough without being the awkward new kid.
Even worse the awkward new kid that lives in a camper down bydon’triver (ok I don’t know if there is a river there but you get the implication.)
But what do you care, you’re already never there for him. You’d rather abdicate your parental responsibility to go on long-haul trips with your fiance, prenotifying your 18-year-old, which is a horrific thing to do to any sibling.
You are the jerk for all of that. Do a better job ‘mom’.” DetailedAmbivalence
I totally disagree with the people saying your a bad mom and abandoning your kids. I moved around alot too and I was always the new kid and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.
1. AITJ For Not Wanting The Saleslady's Opinions?
“So I’m 20m. I went to the eye doctor a few weeks ago and decided I should get some new glasses since I’ve had mine for a few years.
Well, my mom and I went to get some glasses yesterday. I’m still on her insurance and she wanted to help.
We walked in and right away this sales lady I’ll call Sally asked if we needed help. My mom said ‘he needs some glasses’ and I said, ‘yea but I’m just looking’.
Sally started picking out different frames and making me try them on. None of them was my style, and whenever I was looking at pairs I LIKED she’d bother me to come to try some she picked on.
Not sure if she thought my style was different than it actually is or what but she kept picking out nerdy glasses, types that someone would wear to try to look nerdy. So I said I didn’t like them or they were too big on my face or flat out said I looked like a nerd.
My mom just said, ‘it’s her job to be helpful’.
I was getting more annoyed because I’m buying them but can’t even look for something I LIKE. Because Sally kept calling me over to try some on.
So after probably 10 pairs Sally picked. I said, ‘I’m not really into those they make me look like a geek’.
Sally said, ‘well I think they look cute on your face maybe you’d get used to them’.
I said, ‘I don’t really care what you think. I’m the one that’s buying them and has to wear them. I don’t like those styles’.
Then I told my mom I was leaving and walked outside.
My mom said I was unnecessarily rude and acted childish. That the sales lady was just doing her job and trying to help and I acted really immaturely. She wanted me to go back inside but I refused.
The last time I got glasses the salesperson asked if I needed help, I said no and that I was looking, so they let me look and I told them when I found some I liked.
I don’t like being harassed when I’m shopping in general, especially with things that affect my appearance. I don’t really think it’s that bad to tell a stranger that their opinions don’t matter but my mom said it’s rude.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are 100% correct – you are the one who has to wear the glasses and the salesperson’s opinion doesn’t matter.
Once she realized that you didn’t like the choices she picked out, she should have stopped. And, in a market system, if a seller is not providing a buyer what they want, they leave.
Sally made the classic sales mistake – she was selling to herself instead of to you.
And your mother was wrong – she was not doing her job, or, at the least, she was doing her job badly. And, if she was not listening to you when you were being polite, you are left with no choice but to be rude.” bamf1701
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Your mom is right. The lady is just doing her job. That is actually in her job description. And maybe she seems something about your f****l shape that a different pair of glasses would flatter. You went into the experience with a very closed mindset – you definitely could’ve been more open to suggestions.
And there definitely is a kinder way to say you don’t like what the saleslady is suggesting. And storming out is just childish.” ErisEternis
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Yes, she was doing her job but part of her job is to know when to help and when to back off and let people help themselves.
In this case, she was being pushy and should have just let you look and be close enough so that if you had questions, she could then help.
Could you have said it nicer – probably? It would have also helped that when she started pulling glasses for you to try on, that you thanked her but let her know you prefer to look on your own and you’ll let her know if you have any questions.” User
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Sally is bad at her job but there’s basically no excuse for yelling at a staff member in a store. A lot of people come in being indecisive and offering ideas can be helpful for them (though I hate pushy staff too) – but it’s her job to sense what.
You can tell her sternly that you prefer to browse on your own, there’s no reason to behave like a child. Your mom is absolutely right, it is incredibly rude.
Also, you’re 20 years old and shopping with your mom, so I would expect people to assume you’re a kid and your mom is really making the purchase not you – if she was receptive to the sales lady’s pitches, she’s the ‘real’ customer for whom the pitch is calibrated.” Hairy_Dirt3361
