People Do What's Right For Them In These "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
22. AITJ For Refusing To Pay More Due To Having More Kids At A Family Vacation?
“I have a big family. This year we had a family reunion. We rented a massive three-story place on the beach. The first floor was kitchen, dining room, living room, storage, etc… The second floor was bedrooms. The third floor was a massive open space with glass walls.
There were some chairs and stuff up there, so it was clearly supposed to be a lounging area. Instead, we put the furniture downstairs and filled it with sleeping bags and air mattresses and made it the kids’ room. All the under-18s slept up there.
So when we organized the trip we agreed we would split the bill “evenly.” My understanding was evenly means every adult pays an equal amount. Well, now that the vacation is over and it’s time to pay, several family members are under the impression I’ll pay twice as much as them or more because I have the most kids.
This is ridiculous. My kids didn’t take up an extra bedroom. They slept upstairs the same as their kids. And that’s not an “even” split. I’ll pay the same as everyone else like we agreed. There has been much grousing, but I am not budging.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“If you mean the entire bill, I think evenly is house rent divided by number of families. Each family, regardless of kids or single parents is one. The food bill on the other hand should be divided by the number of total people (unless it’s an infant or toddler) and then your bill is multiplied by a number of people in your family.
At least that’s how I would do it to be fair. This is a house, not a hotel. If it were a hotel, you’d each pay for however many rooms you get. In a shared house, my opinion is by number of families.” archetyping101
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It sounds like they needed to rent a whole extra floor to accommodate the kids. I would split the house cost into thirds, one for each floor, then subdivide the floors. The first floor is a common space and should be split evenly by every human (adult or child- maybe not including babies that don’t need the bathroom or kitchen).
The second floor is split evenly by bedroom. The third floor is split evenly by child sleeping in that space. This is a common way to divide rent by housemates. Split rent in half. One half is divided evenly by person (for common spaces) and the other half is divided evenly by bedroom.” pipatastic
Another User Comments:
“NTJ because your children did not take up more space, and you paid for your own food. The money was supposed to be split based on the adults, them trying to have you pay more because of the kids is them trying to weasel you.
Stand your ground, I wouldn’t rent a place with these people again, but next time you rent a place with people absolutely get the financial breakdown done beforehand.” JCBashBash
21. AITJ For Not Wanting To Care For My Pregnant Sister And Her Kids Due To My Mental Health Issues?
“My (23f) sister (33f) just recently had Braxton Hicks contractions and had an early labor scare. But she refused to slow down until it got to this point. Now that she can barely do anything she has a hard time taking care of my nephews (3,7,10) who are complete terrors.
I don’t drive so going up to help her would mean staying there for 2 weeks at the end of July.
My main concerns are that my sister and I have never gotten along. I have mental health issues that make me annoying and we have had problems relating to her understanding of that and my issues as a whole interacting with her.
I love my nephews and my sister but after too long together we are horrible. I am also mentally preparing to go back to school after some mental health issues and getting emotionally attached to being home.
I broke down and cried when my mom asked me to go.
And when I did she asked me why I was crying and wouldn’t leave me be until I answered. When I answered saying I would go but I wasn’t happy about it she got very upset and it spiraled into a big fight. So tell me AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have current mental health issues that make it hard to take care of yourself, let alone several children and a high-risk pregnant lady. You must put on your own oxygen mask before trying to help others. You cannot help children and medically vulnerable people when you have no spoons left to do so.
You and your sister do not get along. She refused to slow down and now is a high-risk pregnancy. That doesn’t sound like someone who will allow you to do things your way or listen to you. Your sister does not understand or tolerate your mental health issues.
Since these are currently flaring, that means she will not be sensitive or tolerant while you are in a more fragile state. You are not a nurse, midwife, doula, or childcare professional. Your nephews are energetic, rambunctious kids who ‘are terrors’ meaning they don’t listen and haven’t been taught boundaries.
They will be clamoring for their mum’s attention, and they may be worried about her and that amplifies behaviour and unless she is happy for you to lay down the rules then she won’t support you. Her husband is a police officer and mostly working.
So you have no backup.
A mentally fragile person who cannot drive is trapped in an unsupportive environment, exposed to constant stress and needing to control kids while being unsupported by the parents, and looking after a medically fragile person who could go into premature labor at any time?
No. Not a good caregiver. You would be a jerk to yourself, your sister, your nephews, and your own mental health if you agree to this. Tell them for safety reasons you can’t do this. If things are that bad then they need to hire a nurse or make other care arrangements.
It’s a short-term thing in this case but even two weeks is too much to ask of you. You will hurt yourself doing this. Your sister could go into labor but what would you even do? You can’t drive her to the hospital!
Her husband needs to step up and help her make arrangements, this is their issue. As the dad, it’s his mess to fix.” Lulubelle__007
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I just had my 4th kid and I also had terrible pre-labor pains. But you know what I did?
I slowed down. I took my time. I didn’t expect anyone to help me with my 3 remaining kids (one who is in a wheelchair and another who is a toddler). I know you feel bad and will be pressured to stay but what happens after those 2 weeks?
A month? 6 months? A year?! Your sister and family will need to figure out how to move forward without you otherwise you may be stuck helping for longer than you want. Take care of yourself and try not to get guilt-tripped into helping for longer than you feel comfortable.” Coffee_Chaos_Family
Another User Comments:
“Honey, your mental health MUST come first! How on earth are you supposed to support your sister and her children for TWO whole weeks while struggling with your own issues? I know you say your mother is not some awful person, but at the very least she is definitely favoring your sister’s wellbeing over yours.
Please advocate for yourself, or have a trusted family member/friend do so on your behalf if you feel you can’t. Definitely NTJ, as they say on flights – secure your own oxygen mask before attempting to help others. PS I suffer from anxiety/panic attacks, but please know (even though it’s hard asf to believe) this does not make you annoying!!
We’re all just trying to get through life.” BunjalungOne
20. AITJ For Taking A Parking Spot A Woman Was 'Saving' At My Daughter's Soccer Game?
“This morning my daughter had soccer, and where she plays there’s not nearly enough parking for the amount of kids they have signed up and all the spectators that show up.
Cars are parked all over the grass around the lots and on the curbs. The parking lot is naturally a zoo and it turns into a race to get your spot before someone else does.
There was a woman standing on the grass underneath a tree texting on her phone.
So I pulled my car up in front of the tree, shut the car off, and started to get out. She came running up to us saying she was “saving the spot” for her husband who was just dropping her kid off. I said to her “I’m sorry that’s not how it works, first come first serve”.
She pulled her phone out and started filming me, calling me an “ignorant freaking jerk” and filming my license plate, repeatedly yelling “I thought this was Canada!”
Anyways, AITJ for “stealing” the spot?”
Another User Comments:
“Nope. It’s not your spot until you put your car in it.
Park first and then walk the kid over to practice like a normal person. If she was harassing you, you could have recorded her and submitted the footage to whatever advisory board puts on the games. She could have gotten booted and potentially banned from future practices or games.
NTJ.” Alternative-Push3767
Another User Comments:
“So, everyone is saying “you can’t save parking spots.” I will admit, that I do not completely agree with that. There is a way to do it that usually works, and there are some situations where it’s not even warranted. In this situation, the lady who was trying to save the spot totally did it wrong.
That’s not your fault. From what you’ve said about the parking situation, I would say that if you’re overly pushy about trying to save a spot, you’re a jerk. My vote is that crazy parking lady is the jerk here, NTJ for you for sure!!” TelephoneDifficult27
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I have no problem with some people saving parking spaces, but they have to do it right. If she wanted that spot saved, then she should have been standing or sitting in the spot itself, preferably at a spot where it would be visible to a car further down the row.
She chose to stand in the shade, she lost the spot. Sucks to be her.” Caddan
19. AITJ For Refusing To Order Extra Mayo For My Wife's McDonald's Breakfast?
“My wife puts mayo on everything. It’s pretty weird, but whatever. There are some things that I personally don’t use it for, but I understand like French fries or chicken strips. And there are some things that are just weird like steamed broccoli or apple pie.
Anyway, when we get McDonald’s breakfast, she orders the McMuffin meal and wants three mayo packets (one for hash browns, two for the sandwich). I hate doing it because the workers do make comments pretty often. They’re not trying to be mean, but it’s kind of embarrassing.
I’ve even kind of asked her like, “Do you really need mayo?” and she is insistent.
The last time we went, she was driving. And I even thought, “Ha, now she has to be the one to ask for mayo.” And she didn’t get mayo.
I even reminded her and she was just like, “It’s fine, I don’t need it.”
I was so annoyed because it’s apparently so important when I’m ordering and now she doesn’t need it. So, today we were in the drive-through and she told me to ask for mayo, and I just said, “It’s fine, you don’t need it.” And I didn’t get her mayo.
She says I’m a jerk. Am I?”
Another User Comments:
“I’m going to go against the trend. If your wife won’t order mayo when she is driving but insists on you ordering it when you are driving it’s kinda messed up. It sounds like a control issue.
I don’t care when everyone says that you’re the jerk. It all comes down to her behavior and control issues. If she wants mayo, she should order it for herself. It sounds like she doesn’t have the courage or strength to order it herself but had no problem forcing you to get it for her.
Make her drive more often and establish a pattern of how often she “really” needs mayo. Good luck bro….NTJ.” crash063
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for the way you treated her. You can’t justify your choice over her autonomy just because “last time she didn’t get it.” That’s manipulative and if she would write this here in her own words, I would tell her to get away from you.
Someone who’s worried so much about what a stranger thinks, you can’t make the person you state you care about feel comfortable. That’s extremely immature and not a good characteristic to have in a relationship. I understand it can be annoying but it’s just a condiment.
If you wanted ketchup for your food I bet it wouldn’t be any problem but because it’s Mayo it’s embarrassing. And this can all be easily solved by just keeping extra in your car for on-the-road meals.” MeowManna
Another User Comments:
“What an easy way to say you love someone—ask for three mayo packets.
You could even think of one of them for each word of “I Love You.” You could see her mayo use as eccentric and cute. You could make it something you love about her. Someday, if she dies before you, every time you see a mayo packet, you could know it was a sign from the beyond that she is waiting for you on the other side.
Instead, you “find it weird,” and “hate asking for it.” When the workers make whatever comments you claim they make, you could say, “It’s for the love of my life; if she wants mayo, I get her mayo. I like to spoil her,” instead of feeling nonsensical embarrassment for asking them to do their job.
You want HER to adjust her needs for strangers behind a fast food counter. Then there was the whole, “gotcha,” you were excited to play when she was driving and needed to request the mayo. How long were you waiting for that moment?!? It sounds as though it was something that you were anticipating for a while, and were so disappointed that she didn’t order it.
Who knows why she didn’t—it isn’t important. What is important is that you have taken something small, and created an issue rather than using it for a positive thing in your relationship.
I get potential annoyance over it. My daughter orders chalupas from Taco Bell that have neither beans nor beef, nor chicken, nor steak.
They have the shell, nacho cheese sauce added, cheese, lettuce, tomato, no sour cream. I have to mention at the drive-thru for them to please make note that no beef means NOTHING—no substitute. Otherwise, they end up putting in beans, which she doesn’t like.
Is it odd? Yes. Do I do it? Every. Darn. Time. Because I love her, and I want her to have what she loves. YTJ.” HappyLucyD
18. AITJ For Making Someone Feel Awkward About My Inability To Make Eye Contact?
“I’m 16 f and autistic.
I was hanging out with my friend and she brought some of her friends who I’d never really met before. Now let’s talk about the main person we’ll call him Blake, because I am autistic I do not make eye contact, ever.
It feels like I’m looking into the sun.
As I’m speaking to Blake he says “Hello eyes on me when you’re talking”.
I just say “oh sorry.”
I try to make eye contact but give up and Blake just won’t let it go. At some point, I look at Blake after a comment unblinking and simply say “I have autism, lord Blake the eye thing just isn’t gonna happen man.”
He then looked awkward and said I didn’t have to bring the vibe down.”
Another User Comments:
“His command sounded like a parent scolding a child. NTJ. But maybe consider not getting to the annoyed point and just explain it goes hand and hand with autism next time.
That you wish you could help it. Then if pressed on curse as much as you want to ruin the vibe.” pensaha
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Constant eye contact in some cultures is considered rude or weird. I’m not a big fan of constant eye contact because I prefer to look at static objects when forming my thoughts.
Blake brought the “vibe down” when he said “hello eyes on me when you’re talking” like he was talking down on you like you’re a pre-schooler.” Reddit User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I think he’s the jerk for saying “hello eyes on me when you’re talking” like who speaks like that to a person they barely know?
Good on you for speaking up for yourself OP. He probably started talking about vibes and all that crap after being made aware of your autism—along with the knowledge that he was a jerk. You taught him a valuable lesson: you’ll never fully know what another person is going through, so don’t judge a book by its cover.” notsure_-_
17. AITJ For Refusing To Let My Recently Homeless Friend Move Into My Spare Room?
“My friend recently became homeless because her landlord sold the whole apartment building to some developers and they’re knocking it down.
She moved back with her parents.
Anyway, she knows I have an extra room and she asked me if she can move in. I told her no because I’d rather have privacy than $500 a month. I don’t live in a big house anyway. I live in a 3 bedroom/1 bath townhouse.
It’s me, my husband, my son, and I have a dog and a cat. She keeps saying that rent is too high, it’s too hard to find a cheap apartment in the city, yadda..yadda..yadda…
I told her I’d help her look for an apartment around her price range but if she wants a cheap apartment under $1000 it’s probably in a bad neighborhood.
Now she’s mad at me and won’t speak to me. So am I the jerk for not giving my extra room to her?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I wouldn’t do it. Especially because she said rent’s too high everywhere. That means she will not be interested in moving out.
And squatter’s rights. She’s not homeless if she’s staying with her parents. That’s not the right term. She needs to find a roommate before moving out of her parents’ place. That is not you and your family. The best thing she should do is save her money and live with her parents until she can afford to move and rent regular prices in a better part of town and find a roommate.” Ok-Manufacturer-5746
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If she stopped speaking to you, then I would accept it. I wouldn’t waste my time with someone who has an attitude like this. They aren’t “homeless” they live in a home. They just don’t want to live under their parents’ roof.
You have a whole family you are taking care of and this person is upset you aren’t letting them use your home for cheap rent? That is WILD. You are 100% NTJ. But you should ask yourself is what you are getting out of the friendship worth this?
I couldn’t imagine having a friend this selfish.” ZbornakFromMiami
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, she is selfish for making this demand. She also isn’t homeless, she is at her parents and this is your home. You don’t owe it to anyone. You also need to consider how her moving in will impact the dynamic of your home that you share with your husband and child.
Would you really want someone in your home who throws temper tantrums and gives you the silent treatment because you won’t give them what they want? Time to find a better quality friend. Also, once she is in, you will never get her out.” Upper-Spell-3588
16. AITJ For Getting Annoyed At My Boss For Taking My Lunch Without Asking?
“My boss is in no way struggling for money/food (I, however, have to work 80 hours a week to support 3 people as my teenager is in college and my partner has no income at all).
If she was, I would happily share/bring in extra even if it means I go without.
My boss, however, has a large lunch, then knowing I always have sweets/chocolate with me (as that’s pretty much the majority of my diet being a picky eater due to an eating disorder, and lunch is pretty much the only meal I eat most days so the sugar comes in handy), comes over and asks what I have for lunch.
She then literally looms over me until I gave her some of what I had.
No please. No thank you. Nothing.
Some of my work colleagues agree with me, others say I was out of order for getting annoyed as ‘it’s only some sweets’.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“By looming over you she was using intimidation tactics, which is both unprofessional and unacceptable. You need to politely tell her in an email cc’ed to your personal email that 1) What she did made you very uncomfortable and that you don’t want her to do it again 2) That you are on a very limited budget and can’t afford to share your limited meals.
If the behavior continues contact her supervisor the same way, detail the saturation and be as professional as possible. Finally, document everything. If it is not documented it didn’t happen, and if she retaliates having everything documented could make the company fire her to avoid a potential lawsuit or Department of Labor investigation.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Next time your boss comes over asking for some of your sweets don’t have any out and say “Sorry, nothing to share today”, give her a smile, then go right back to doing your work. The smile and then breaking eye contact to redirect yourself to your work SHOULD give her the nudge for her to leave your desk.
If she is a complete jerk and says something like “oh, come on, not even one piece of candy?” Reply “Nope, but I’m pretty sure the snack machine in the breakroom has some”, assuming your workplace has a break room. If not, maybe reply “Nope but maybe have something to share.”” voluntold9276
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and having to deal with a bully in a place of authority stinks and I am sorry. For many years I had to work in a not-for-profit childcare position and this is how I dealt with unreasonable adults (and kids, this worked with both).
“Hey, I notice this (behavior or statement that is factually what one observed). The result of this behavior is (another factual result not colored by emotion at all). I know that this is surely not what you intended to happen (which is probably a lie, but always make this statement one that assumes the best intention from the other party.) What were you truly trying to achieve and how can we reach that together without this negative result happening?” A) you are taking any power they might have over you away by removing all emotion and staying clear on facts.
B) once you have removed this power, you benevolently give it back to them by giving them the option to help you solve it. “Let’s find a solution together.” This can keep the chances of retaliation down. I have used this to deal with toxic dudes, with hysterical parents, and with preschoolers.
It’s frustrating as heck when I have had to bust it out with full-grown humans, but sometimes people suck.” AbbaKDabba
15. AITJ For Refusing To Let My Brother Stay With Me During My Divorce?
“I’m a 23-year-old single mom going through a divorce, and as you can imagine, it’s been a really stressful time. I haven’t shared much about the divorce with my family because they didn’t support my decision to leave, thinking I was foolish for walking away from a financially stable marriage.
But honestly, there was more to it than just money, and I made the choice for my well-being and my child’s.
Now, my older brother (28M) has been struggling with booze for a while. Every time he drinks, things spiral out of control. He’s lost several jobs because he often won’t show up after a night of drinking, and whenever he has money, it goes straight to booze.
Sadly, he also ends up in bar fights or other reckless situations. Over the past few years, we’ve had to cover damages, hospital bills, and even bribe officials to get him out of trouble, all without him facing much consequence. When I try to talk to him about it, he brushes me off, saying I’m too young to understand the stress he’s under.
My family usually takes his side, saying I’m being too pushy and that I should let him deal with things his way.
Recently, he got into another fight, and my sister called me, saying he’d been reported to the police because the other person was injured and pressed charges.
They wanted me to let him stay at my house so he could lay low for a while. I couldn’t believe it!! They were expecting me to open my home, with my young son and everything else I’m handling right now!! When I told them that I just couldn’t do it, my mom said I was heartless, that I’d rather see him rot in jail than offer help.
I tried to explain that, with my son, my work, and the emotional toll of the divorce, I have too much going on to take responsibility for him too. I truly believe my brother needs to face the consequences of his actions, not just keep relying on us to bail him out.
I told my mom that he’s a grown man, and if I’m “too young to understand,” then maybe it’s time the “adults” handle it. She didn’t take that well, and now my family is angry with me.
So, AITJ for not letting my brother stay with me, knowing it might mean he faces some real consequences for his behavior?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. “Heartless” is enabling a family member to destroy themselves, everyone around them, and everyone they meet on a bad night at the bar. Let him go to jail and sober up. I don’t know where you live, but where I live, bribing officials is next-level enabling.
You’re doing the right thing by not harboring a fugitive, among other things. Can’t help but notice none of your family wants him to “lay low” at their own places, so they have no right to criticize you for making the best decision for you and your child.” JeepersCreepers74
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, absolutely not, if they want to help him, they can take him in. Does your family not realize that you have to put your child’s interest first, and having a heavy drinker at home is not safe as you don’t know how he’ll react to anything?
He’s getting charges pressed against him because he stupidly assaulted someone that’s his fault and his problem, not yours. If he doesn’t face the consequences of his own actions, he’ll never learn. He’s an adult, not a child, the rest of your family needs to stop coddling him.” TheArcticWolf19
Another User Comments:
“I think what you said to your family is absolutely perfect. They kept brushing you off when you came to them and spoke to your brother with concerns about his problem and now they expect you to take him in when it’s gotten so bad he’s gonna get locked up in jail because they couldn’t buy their way out.
You certainly aren’t heartless. Why don’t your heartless parents take your heavy-drinker brother in? It seems to me that they aren’t stepping up to the plate to take him in. I don’t know how old your sister is, but if she’s old enough and in a house of her own or an apartment, why doesn’t she take him in?
I do think your parents are the ones who should be either putting a stop to this and letting him stay in jail, which it seems like it can’t be done this time, and if he does get let out take him in themselves.
Instead of inflicting him on you when you have so much going on yourself.” Reddit User
14. AITJ For Refusing To Let My Partner Take Inappropriate Photos Of Me?
“Today is a stat holiday so my partner and I (33M and 28F) decided to go hike a trail together.
A few minutes into the trail, I pulled my phone out to take a photo because the sun was peaking through the forestscape in a very photogenic way. My partner, who very very rarely attempts to or offers to take photos of me, asks if I want a photo.
I gratefully accept and walk 10 feet up the trail and turn to face him, he laughs and goes “aww a good one” and turns around my phone to show he had 10X zoomed in on my front lower torso. I gave him a choked-out “ha ha very funny” as he insists he’ll take a serious one.
I turn back around and walk 10 feet again and turn around, smile, pause. He paces towards me and goes “another good one” and turns the phone to show me another zoomed-in photo.
At this point, my patience for this “joke” has very much passed but he won’t hand me my phone and insists he will take a serious one but as I turn to walk away I see him zooming in again so I try to pull my jacket over my backside (I’m wearing leggings) because I feel that that’ll be the next victim of the 10X zoom.
As I walk away he tries to show me the hilarious zoomed-in photo of me trying to pull my jacket over myself. I begin to walk away again after putting out my hand so he can give me my phone, but he refuses and insists that he’s going to do a serious one.
I say “no thanks” and start to walk away which is when he begins verbally berating me for trying to ruin a fun time and that he’s “just being goofy.”
For nearly the first 45 minutes of the trail we didn’t speak and then when we finally did we never discussed it.
Am I overreacting, am I enabling him by laughing the first time? I’m aware he is into immature humor (he consumes a lot of Kill Tony etc) and I try not to be judgemental but that type of humor just isn’t personally for me.
Also, later in the hike, he offered to take more photos of me but I declined (I hold a grudge, bite me).
Last weekend we got into an unrelated heated argument about how a “joke” he made upset me and while trying to explain why it was upsetting, he cut me off and in an aggressive tone, suggested I post an Am I The Jerk to resolve the matter….
so help me out folks…”
Another User Comments:
“I had to check the ages twice as I was certain he must be young. But at 33 this is actually pathetic. Taking a silly photo once to gauge someone’s reaction is okay. If they found it funny then perhaps do it again another time.
But when your partner has clearly told you to stop, to repeatedly show them contempt by objectifying them, and hurting their feelings by being unnecessarily childish, is such an enormous turn-off. To the point where I would consider exactly what I’m doing with someone who tries to make things into a joke when I take them seriously and then invalidate my feelings by claiming it’s funny to them.
Which part was meant to be funny? It’s clear this is a pattern and he isn’t going to stop. You’re only the jerk to yourself for staying with someone who treats you as if you don’t matter.” elgrn1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – have you guys talked at all about how that kind of humor doesn’t work for you?
I’m wondering if maybe he thought you’d find it funny and is confused as to why you didn’t after the first time. But berating you should never be the response, that’s wild. I’d try having a serious chat with him and tell him that kind of humor isn’t something you enjoy, and if he can’t respect that, or if he berates you again, or acts like a jerk about it, maybe it’s time to reconsider the relationship?
It’s fine to be silly, but silly doesn’t mean disrespectful. At least the hike sounded pretty.” WeirdBrain98
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – My wife and I have a firm understanding with one another that if a joke upsets one of us, we apologize and stop no matter how funny either of us finds it to be.
That’s because we think that each other’s overall happiness is way more important than a quick laugh. We still find humor together, and we’re almost always laughing, but it’s never at each other’s expense. The first time you could say the joke was a little funny.
But when you were clearly upset, that’s when it needed to stop and he should have been considering your feelings. Hopefully, this is something you two can have an adult discussion about and grow from, but otherwise, I’d advise taking the time to think if your partner is inconsiderate of you in other areas that you’ve just brushed off until now.” Reddit User
13. AITJ For Not Doing Dishes After 6pm Due To My Work Schedule And Health Condition?
“I’m usually at work at 8 am or 9 am while my roommate works from home. I also have fibromyalgia so I get extremely tired after work, but I still end up doing everyone’s dishes.
That’s fine by me but since I get tired I repeatedly state I start dishes at 6 pm. Any dishes created after 6 pm will just be left to be cleaned in the morning.
Another housemate has the chore of cooking home meals half the week, but she doesn’t account for when everyone will usually be home or not.
This is weird because then she gets mad that no one is eating the dinner ‘when it’s fresh’, we have reiterated that everyone is thankful to have any food at all, and if she genuinely dislikes it someone else can do house cooking. She says she still wants to do the cooking.
The main point is that she works at home in the sharehouse, usually deciding her own hours. Yet she still makes dinner late, which is fine; what’s not fine is that she gets really passive-aggressive (or straight up starts yelling) when I haven’t done the dishes.
If said dishes had been there for days or I hadn’t told her I can’t do dishes past 6 pm then I’d understand her frustration, but they’re gone in the morning and I can’t change my work scheduling.
Should I just suck it up and take an afternoon rest, then get up to do the dishes when she’s done making them?
Or is she the odd one? Does everyone suck here? It’s just she gets so shouty and spiteful about dishes not being done the hour after dinner’s made. They’re just dishes, and I’m busy most of the day; I think she’s overreacting but maybe I just need to get better at time management or something.
The other roommate has told me she doesn’t care either way and doesn’t want to get involved.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but if no compromise can be reached, this division of work simply doesn’t work. You have different schedules. You have a good reason to not stay up late and do chores later, she apparently wants to cook/eat/have the dishes done later.
If you can’t have a calm conversation about this, you should prepare your own food and do your own dishes. Your other roommate can share with her if they don’t mind, but this isn’t working for you. I wouldn’t want someone else dictating when I have to do my chores or how late I eat if it simply doesn’t work for me AND they are so rude about it.” SweetNothings12
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You should all sit down and discuss the current situation instead of just letting it get worse. You are in your right to have a “dishwashing hour.” Expecting her to adjust when you haven’t discussed like adults isn’t fair, though. The other person just needs to know what’s going on.
All of you should come to an agreement and an understanding. People who all live in the same house need to have regular communication – like once a month sit down and take stalk of how things are going. Otherwise, there’s a lot of assuming going on, then anger, then resentment, then people start moving out.
What do you really want to happen?” ladybug4289
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s kind of a confusing story to me, which roommate is doing what and when, but I think doing the dishes that are there by 6 pm is a fair rule to set. If anyone is doing anything past 6 pm that causes dishes to pile up, that’s their problem.
Where I am from, dinner is usually eaten around 6, which means anyone who cooks dinner is cooking well BEFORE 6 pm. If you are somewhere with a different culture and everyone usually eats dinner later, then your roommate might have a point.” Deep-Okra1461
12. AITJ For Feeling Unsafe With My Mother's Troubled Student Living In Our Home?
“I, a 30s F, have been living with my mother and stepfather (both 50s) for years due to housing prices. I work CS and my mother is a teacher. I pay a lot in rent (nearly my entire month’s paycheck, so 1500) while also paying for my car that she uses, and take care of all of the chores since my stepfather is extremely overweight and cannot even sit still in a chair without heaving for breath.
I am also LGBTQ, which is relevant. While I am living with her, I am forbidden from having a partner lest I lose a place to live, and I’ve already been homeless before and have no desire to return to it. Other than my “sin” of homosexuality, I am “normal” and do what I can to help and don’t drink, smoke, or use substances.
The issue: My mother has a student who has a bad home life and is frequently getting kicked out/forced to do illegal things for her own parent, and while CPS would normally be the answer, this student has a sister that she doesn’t want to be separated from again because of the system and so they deal with the abuse.
My mother, however, is bending over backward to help this girl, including volunteering me to drive her around, pick her up from school, etc. This student is always getting in trouble for substance possession/smoking on campus, and I’m not comfortable around her at all, but to keep the peace I deal with it.
Now it’s gotten to where she’s letting the girl and her sister crash in our spare bedroom if they need to get away from their parent, and I don’t feel safe. We rent a small apartment and I cannot get a lock on my door per the rental agreement (and it would also cause more fights with my family) and this student has been going through my stuff and while I don’t own much, one of the very few “expensive” items I own is my ps5, and I do not think she is above taking my stuff and selling them for substance money.
I tried to bring my feelings up with my mother, in as kind of a way as possible, that I did not feel safe with either my own physical safety or that of my possessions, and it started a massive fight with her saying it’s her choice and I cannot tell her what to do, that I am selfish for not considering how her student feels, and that I should be grateful that my life isn’t so hard.
I know I can’t tell her what to do, but I give her all my money while also trying to go to university and pay my other bills, and I take care of the home, so I would hope my voice would be heard. But apparently, I don’t get to have that privilege and now I’m walking on eggshells to not get kicked out while also coming to terms with the fact that my stuff might get stolen or I might get involved in something illegal.
And before anyone asks, I am trying to find another place, but it’s not easy when most rentals around here are more than twice what I make in a month, and tenants have to make three times the rent to even be worth consideration. So for now, I have to take what I can get.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Have you checked out renting a room from someone other than your mother? It seems like she is charging you more than would be reasonable and in addition, you provide her with a car and do all the housework. That’s a really sorry deal. You might also investigate studio apartments or renting a house/apartment with friends.
I think your mother is being greedy. I’d move.” Archaic-Giraffe
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for raising concerns, maybe YTJ for the way you went about it if you did at a time when one of the siblings could have overheard you. But there are a number of things you need to consider.
Firstly, are you your mother’s tenant or a member of this household? If you are a member of the household, you have every right to raise concerns about who else lives there. If you are a tenant, you don’t get a say in who lives there but you are entitled to reasonable expectations of personal safety and security of your property.
If you are a tenant, how does what you are paying currently compare with what you would be paying for a little place of your own? What are rental prices like near where you live? If you are a member of the household, are you paying rent, paying your share of the bills, or subsidizing the living situation for your mother and stepfather?
Clearly, if you are paying nearly your full paycheck in rent to your parents, you are locked into living there because you’d struggle to be able to produce an initial payment for deposit/fees.
If your mother is using your car, is this an occasional thing or regular?
Does she pay for the fuel she uses? If it is regular, does she contribute towards other running costs? Does she give you the choice as to whether she can use it, or does she have an expectation/demand? If you cut back on the chores you do around the house and make yourself unavailable to do favors involving these students, could you get a second job to help put together savings towards a place of your own?
Could your mother get in trouble at work for overstepping with these kids? Could her job be at risk? What might happen if they let slip at school where they are staying? Because that would be a valid concern to raise. And if she loses her job, they will be more reliant on your income than ever and it will be harder for you to pull back.” Ok-Status-9627
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. LBGTQ is not relevant. What is relevant is your mother is financially and emotionally abusive. That is the entire issue in this. She is using threats and your orientation to manipulate you into funding her lifestyle. She is abusive. You need to leave.
A so-so roommate who at least splits the bills with you is far better than the situation you are in. Mom is using you and will use you until she pumps you dry. That’s what you are to her, a free car and a source of cash.
She’s keeping you pumped dry so you cannot save to move out. Oh, and free maid, forgot that one.” WhereWeretheAdults
11. AITJ For Advising My Friend Not To Marry His Controlling Partner?
“I (24M) have a friend (24M), who we’ll call Jay. Jay is an American citizen but moved here when he was around 12 from a different country.
His partner (23F), let’s call her Sara, is also from this same country, but is not a citizen. They met in college about 2 years ago.
Yesterday, Jay told me that Sara told him that they have to get married now. Otherwise, she will break up with him.
She is currently in graduate school (the relationship is long distance currently) and will have to either find a job, get married, or go back to her home country after her degree is done next year. According to Jay, she says that the type of job she wants (finance), is not easily available to someone who isn’t a US Citizen or Green Card holder.
I think it’s relevant to say here that Sara’s family is extremely wealthy. When Sara was in college, she bought herself a new Mercedes, for example. Jay is not ultra-wealthy like this but has a high-paying job.
Jay and Sara have, in my opinion, a tenuous relationship.
She has “broken up” with him many times over the past 2 years, always over small arguments, at least according to Jay. He then asks to get back together a week or so later. She also doesn’t allow him to go anywhere outside of work if there are other women present.
I’m paraphrasing here, but Jay said that “when Sara wants something, she gets it, or there will be problems.” Jay also mentioned that he thinks Sara’s father might be pressuring her to get married.
According to Jay, Sara says that she would do this for him, and so he should do it for her.
If he doesn’t do it, then he doesn’t love her, and they should break up.
Jay told me that he doesn’t want to break up with her, so he might go along and do this. I asked him if he loved her, and he didn’t really give me a straight answer.
I asked him if he had any other friends to talk to about this, and he said he would only talk about this with me and a single mutual friend of ours. We are both planning on getting dinner with him today and talking with him.
Both myself and the mutual friend agree that this would be a bad idea. WIBTJ if I told Jay not to go through with this plan, even if it means he will have to break up with her?”
Another User Comments:
“No, you wouldn’t be the jerk but tread lightly.
He doesn’t seem to have the self-worth to see the proverbial forest for the trees. He may believe she truly loves him and that this is going to happen anyway or that he will never do better than Sarah, etc., so ganging up on him will likely push him towards marrying her.
Just remind him that marriage is serious business and not to be taken lightly. That if they genuinely love each other then it can wait a little longer while he establishes himself career-wise and that they both could stand individual and marriage counseling beforehand so that they are going into this as their best selves.” Winter_Raisin_591
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. From what you’re writing it sounds like Jay has asked your opinion on this, and if that’s correct I do think you should give your honest thoughts. You can still do it in a polite and caring way however as this is clearly not an easy situation for him.
If you come on too strong you may end up causing a tear in your friendship. Especially if he chooses to go on with the marriage after all – which he may very well do, and then you’ll have to navigate that in your friendship.
To be honest I would not like to be in Jay’s position and get married to Sara. It sounds like she’s packing a bunch of red flags, and it doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship overall.” ConcentrateOk9650
Another User Comments:
“I’m in my mid-40s, back in my late 20s I had a few bros who seemed to be really into the idea of marrying their partners who were pretty clearly not amazing people.
The relationships were tenuous and not overly happy or loving. There were a few very egregious red flags occurring. I decided to opine to a few dudes that just MAYBE they shouldn’t do the thing for a variety of reasons. They did it anyway and here we are X years later and guess what?
Those dudes who were in unhappy relationships back then are still somehow in unhappy relationships now. Shockingly they never got divorced but now I get to hear about how their spouse is sucking the life out of them and how everything is messed up and I’m just like “that sucks man.” Anyways, the moral of the story is this, people are gonna go ahead and make their own mistakes no matter what you tell them.
You might lose a friend over it, or they might just be like yeah yeah yeah and go ahead but it’s his life and he gets to mess it up all he wants. If you’re close you can try to express your concerns in a kind and loving way and hopefully, they are received as such but good luck with changing anyone’s mind with some good advice.” Aggravating-Many-658
10. AITJ For Not Wanting To Drive In A Snowstorm To See My Partner?
“Today is the first bad snowstorm of the year and the roads are bad, so bad that earlier today my partner said she saw a 10 car pile up with a bus on fire.
I told her I wanted to see her but didn’t want to drive (she lives a 30-minute drive away on a fast road). She responded with lol, and I was confused by that. I asked her why she just said lol and she said it’s nicer than telling me that was a jerk thing to say, and it felt like I was teasing her about hanging out.
She told me not to mention it if I don’t actually wanna come over. I told her that I specifically said I did want to come over but I didn’t wanna drive, because I was scared of the roads.
Then she told me that I never mentioned I was scared of the roads and it felt like I just didn’t want to drive, and she’s sticking to that being a rude thing to say and that I need to be clearer.
I told her that she shouldn’t assume the worst and it should have been obvious I didn’t wanna drive because of the bad roads, and she could at least ask for clarification. She still thinks she’s right and I was being a jerk. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. There’s a whole romantic genre pinned on people being separated by circumstance and having their love blossom anyway, and anyone who doesn’t see the emotion in “I want to see you but I cannot make the trip” seems fairly cold to me. It’s the “lol” that makes her the jerk here.
Depending on character and your relationship circumstances, it’s not totally out of line to jump to the “Oh, an excuse” thoughts, but you either have to follow up or you don’t, but “lol, fine” is a pretty chill way to respond to someone saying “I’m considering unsafe behavior to see you, but I will err on the side of caution.”” rockology_adam
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You said that you’d just been discussing the weather, which is bad enough for there to have already been a terrible 10-car pile-up. If she didn’t view your response in the context of the greater conversation, and the ongoing snowstorm literally right outside her window, that is her mistake.
Most people would have immediately made that connection. Most people probably would have told you to stay home anyway. If she had what I call a “blip” and just didn’t make that connection on her own, it’s okay to say “oops, sorry, I wasn’t thinking” and move on.
Is she perhaps picking a fight over something else? This is a little petty of her.” BAMpenny
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – your partner is playing dumb for what feels like no reason… It’s a very simple train of logic to get from “hey I would love to hang out/see you, but I don’t wanna drive (because the roads are bad).” Especially when you have the added context of the fact that the roads are, in fact BAD.
She saw a 10-car pileup with the bus on fire. What is not to get, here? Your partner is dumb and choosing to be mad for no reason.” NotThatSeriousMang
9. AITJ For Lying About My Traditions To Stop My In-Laws From Forcing Me Into Marriage?
“My partner (28M) and I (28F) have been together for 1 and a half years. He is South Asian and I‘m Caucasian. Marriage is very important for his parents, they have been putting a lot of pressure on us since the beginning of our relationship and this has been a subject of conflict between us for the past months.
For example, a couple of weeks ago she called me to force me into marrying him in the next four months, telling me that if I wait too long, she might be dead once we get married (she is perfectly healthy).
Last week, we were having dinner together when my in-laws found out that my parents (who live in another city) are coming for Christmas.
Now, they really want to come over for Christmas to meet my parent so they can talk about our engagement. Under pressure from his mom asking over and over again to meet my parents and asking when we will get married, I had to lie about my wedding traditions (I don’t have any traditions).
I said it was very important that my partner ask my father for my hand before proposing and if my father says no, then this marriage could not happen and he will have to wait another year before asking for my hand again. Was it wrong to lie about my traditions in order to stop my in-laws from forcing me into marriage?
I talked about it with my friends and they agreed it was a good thing to lie.
Moreover, since my partner didn’t step up at the time (he didn’t say anything to his parents) and I was under a lot of pressure from his family, this is also why I lied. Should he have said something?
(He doesn’t want to get married yet either).”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone’s a jerk here. You for having no backbone. It was a small lie but it’s not the issue. Be an adult and tell them you will get married when YOU are ready & not before.
Mother-in-law needs to back off. Their family traditions do not give her permission to pressure you. Your partner is the biggest jerk here. These are his parents and he is responsible for handling them. Tell him to handle it or else your life will be spent being pressured to do things at his mother’s timetable.” Apprehensive_War9612
Another User Comments:
“INFO: How exactly do you think your partner’s mother can “force” you to get married? Where do you live that a partner’s parents have that much power and authority over a grown woman? Seriously, what are you thinking here? If you do ever marry your current partner, his mother will be all up in your business constantly.
She will make the decisions and her son will toe the line. Your MIL will demand that you have children immediately. She will name your children; she will decide how you raise your children; she will rule over your life until the day she dies.
(No, I really do not believe this is hyperbole, especially based on what’s happening now and the fact that you think your partner’s mom can “force” you to do anything, much less marry her son.) Your partner will never, never stand up for you. Not only that, by marrying into a South Asian family with this (IMO, horrible) cultural expectation, you as the DIL will be expected to cater to your in-laws, serve and wait on them, support them in old age, etc. etc. etc. I urge you to reassess if that is the life you want.
You wouldn’t be marrying your partner. You’d be marrying his parents! In your place, I would get out of the relationship right now. I am not saying all South Asian families and sons are like this. Absolutely not. Unfortunately, many are, even if they now live in “Western” countries.
NTJ and get out now.” Wackadoodle-do
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but I see several issues here. Firstly, you need to tell your parents this and get them in on the story so that when your partner’s mother inevitably pressures him into asking your dad, your dad can say that he thinks it’s too soon and the two of you need to get to know each other’s future plans better before getting engaged or something.
Basically, you want your dad to decline for the reasons why you and your partner aren’t ready. Ideally, your partner would stand up to his parents and say ‘we’re not ready to take that step’, but that ship has sailed – he didn’t speak up, and the lie has been told.
Secondly, the fact that you’re partner isn’t speaking up. Getting married is meant to be about the couple, not their parents, at least in Western societies. You two are a cultural clash, and you need to work out how to deal with things when there are differing cultural expectations – either the two of you decide which ‘side’ wins an issue, or you blend the two and find a compromise in the middle.
But the two of you need to do it as a united front – a skill that will also come in handy if you want/have children. Finally, you need to consider whether you want a life with a man whose mother meddles in your life to fulfill her own desires while he says nothing to stop her.
He needs to set some boundaries and hold her to them.” KittikatB
8. AITJ For Wanting To Return My Mum's Stuff She Leaves At My House?
“My mum visits for around 3-4 days about 1-2 times a year. Every time she visits she leaves more of her stuff.
I have a three-bed house. 1 for me and my partner, 1 for my toddler, and a spare room/office, and we both WFH.
It’s not a large house and we do struggle with storage which is why I’ve gradually been clearing out and decluttering.
With this in mind, I did ask my mum to not leave any more stuff at my house. But her response was ‘it wouldn’t be an issue if I wasn’t a slob and I need to make space for her stuff’.
My partner suggested I bin her stuff like she did with all of my stuff I couldn’t take with me to Uni.
But I’ve bagged it up and put it aside.
WIBTJ if I take all her stuff to her house when I next visit, rather than sell off some of my nonessentials to make space?”
Another User Comments:
“You wouldn’t be the jerk. If she makes a fuss, just restate the boundary of “you can leave a cold weather coat and gloves but we don’t have space for more than that.” Next time she leaves more things, return it again and tell her you’ll donate anything she leaves in the future.
Then follow through on that. You’re kind to not want to donate her stuff but at that point, she would have had fair warning. It’s your home and you get to say what gets left there and how much.” Rocky_Bonsai
Another User Comments:
“Sure, take it to her home next time you go there. It’s a courtesy to drop off things “accidentally” left behind, although it’s even more courteous if your mother picks it up to take it home. But it sounds like that isn’t going to happen.
I’m just a bit puzzled as to why she leaves more and more of her possessions in your house. I can see leaving a single garment that is picked up or dropped off before the next visit. That happens. NTJ.” SavingsRhubarb8746
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Tell her what she can keep there and what she can’t and give her options: 1) You can drop the remainder at her house when you next visit. 2) She can take it with her when she leaves next time. 3) You give the clothes to charity. Don’t discuss anything else, and if she doesn’t choose an option tell her option#3 will be enacted on day X unless she chooses one of the others.
Then don’t engage further with her about it.” Puskarella
7. AITJ For Booking A Replacement Villa Without Telling My Partner?
“A couple of months ago I was offered a free stay in an Italian villa. Naturally, I jumped at this opportunity and booked flights for myself, my partner, her child, and her mum (we decided to take her mum as a birthday treat for her, she’s not been abroad for 30 years).
I paid for these flights.
Anyway, 24 hours before departure, I’m informed I have to pay a deposit for the villa of 2000€ per person and a cleaning fee of 285€ per person. I didn’t find this acceptable especially given that it was last minute. Also dubious I’d get the full 8k back afterwards.
So, I booked an alternative villa through Airbnb. Not far from the original location.
Holiday still on. All sorted.
Didn’t discuss it with the other half. We were both at work and I had limited time to get something sorted.
Told her this evening.
She got upset because “I’ve lied to her.”
I accept I should have told her as soon as I knew, but didn’t have the time for the disappointed chat or to argue. Just needed to find alternative accommodation.
Feeling pretty annoyed that I’m in the wrong.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
““Feeling pretty annoyed that I’m in the wrong.” I honestly had a mini-stroke reading this post the first time, but after rereading it, this sentence at the end stuck out to me. Considering the fact that you weren’t aware of any of this until 24 hours beforehand, what you were telling your partner wasn’t a lie.
You told your partner at the first available and appropriate opportunity from what it seems, which was the right thing to do in this situation. That being said, you seemed to allude to being “in the wrong” at least twice, and it kind of makes me suspicious that there’s more to the story than you’ve revealed (probably to make yourself seem like less of a jerk).
So with the context that’s been given, NTJ.” ankapenguino
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Not sure why your partner is upset about this at all. From the information you’ve given, your partner wouldn’t have even known that there was a change if you didn’t say anything.
She, her child, and her mum are still getting a practically free vacation out of the situation, it’s just in a new but similar location. If she’s that upset, you may want to question why.” Internal-Honeydew-42
Another User Comments:
“INFO: The holiday went from “free accommodation” to “paid.” Are you guys splitting the cost?
Why exactly is she angry, in her words? That you should have known it was dubious? That she would have picked a different holiday if you guys were paying for it? She wanted to be involved in the planning process now that there were options?” octropos
6. AITJ For Banning My Roommate's Tradition At My Family Gatherings?
“I (25NB) and my roommate (68F) have been arguing over this. My roommate says that she and her family have always shouted “jerk!” really loudly when someone takes the last potato chip.
This usually was just dismissed as being quirky to me and I never thought anything of it. That was until recently.
I had some family over to the apartment, nothing huge, but I got to introduce them to my roommate and stuff. That part was normal. The problem occurred when we were eating a bag of BBQ potato chips and my father happened to eat the last one.
My roommate takes a deep breath at this point and yells “JERK!!” at the top of her lungs. I sit there mortified as this happens and she starts explaining her tradition of shouting that. My family was not amused, even after the explanation, and they all left horrified at my roommate’s behavior.
It’s been two weeks since then and they’re all still blowing up my phone with messages about what an awful person my roommate is. I told my roommate in all seriousness that I would not be allowing her “tradition” around my family and it really made her upset.
To her, this is just what she and her family have always done. AITJ for refusing to take part in her tradition in the future and not allowing it around my family?”
Another User Comments:
“Well, you do win the award for the most ridiculous problem today.
This “tradition” is idiotic but harmless. The fact that your roommate got upset over this makes me think she has a screw loose. The fact that your family members are blowing up your phone over it lets me know they have either way too much free time on their hands or no concept of what real problems in life are.
But, unless you are having your parents over to visit for potato chip parties on a regular basis, is there any likelihood that this is ever going to present itself again? Ever? NTJ.” LawyerDad1981
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I don’t think you are a jerk for refusing to participate in your roommate’s weird tradition, but you can only request that she not do it in front of your family, you can’t force her to agree.
I think it is a weird thing to do with people that you don’t know at all. I think she should stick to just doing this with her own family, although I can’t see how this would be entertaining after the first few times that her family did it and I really think it is a juvenile thing to turn into a tradition.
Because surely you would expect it as you watch to see who will eat the last chip, right? That just seems anticlimactic. I think being “mortified” and “horrified” is an over-the-top reaction to this sophomoric tradition and I think your family overreacted. At most, my family would give an eye roll.” 77Megg77
Another User Comments:
“You’re definitely NTJ. It’s an odd and obnoxious tradition your roommate has and should probably have enough self-awareness that it’s 1) not obvious to anyone that it’s an inside joke and 2) it is absolutely disruptive and rude out of context. That being said… I can understand your family being shocked in the moment, but that they’re still upset a couple of weeks later is rather extreme.
They need to get over it and stop bothering you about it. It’s totally fair to request your roommate not to do it around your family or really any guests for that matter. It’s absurd she doesn’t understand how annoying and rude it is, her home or not.” badhershey
5. AITJ For Wanting To Stop Giving My Coworker Rides To Work?
“I have a coworker who works similar shifts as me at the factory I work at.
We live about 2 miles apart and recently his car broke down. He asked for a ride for the “next week or two” until they got it fixed. I said of course and not to worry about gas money since it’s not that much extra for me and they have a car to fix.
It has now been 6 weeks (Tuesday starts week 7) and the car still isn’t fixed. There have been a list of reasons, mostly money issues. I understand he’s poor and has a few kids at home. We make the same so I know money has to be tight.
The first week they asked about carpooling even after their car was fixed. I said no, I like my time alone in the car before and after work. Also, it does change my pre-work routine and cuts down on time with my partner (about an hour total a week).
They just kept talking about how I should think about it and it will benefit us both.
In the last 6 weeks, lots of annoyances have popped up. His coffee thermos leaks. It rolls around on my floor leaving drops of coffee. My car now smells like it and I hate coffee.
I asked that he put it in a bag, he does about half the time without me reminding/bringing a bag. Since our breaks are the same he sits in my car, I like being alone on break, this has ruined my break time. He has also left early multiple times because he’s sore and the (unpaid) time off is offered. He sits in my car for hours while I work, drinking/spilling coffee, then says he doesn’t have money to fix his car.
He also hasn’t offered gas money again and it feels rude to ask when I told them not to worry about it initially.
This is where I feel like a jerk. I want to tell them after this coming week I won’t give them a ride anymore.
There is no real reason I can’t, I just don’t want to. I want my normal pre-work routine back, and to be left alone on break. I know they are going to ask for another week after that because rent will be due. I honestly want to say no, point to the times they left work early, and tell them too bad.
That tactic seems rude but I feel like the one more week will turn into a month like now.
So would I be the jerk if I say no more rides after this week, and hold them to it?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You agreed to give him a ride for a week or two, at the most, until his car was fixed. Now, he’s obviously decided that this arrangement is to his advantage in many ways, and he’s relying on you to not stand up and object to it.
He mentioned carpooling and saying it would benefit you both. Ask him how any of this has been beneficial for you? Let him know the wear and tear on your car, due to his lack of respect for keeping his coffee from spilling all over, is not beneficial to you.
Paying all of the gas is not beneficial to you. Loss of the use of your car during breaks and lunch and freedom to do what you want to do is of no benefit to you. So ask him to name one way in which this benefits you.
It seems the only one benefitting is HIM. Tell him that you have fulfilled your agreement to give him a ride for a couple of weeks to get his car fixed. You did not agree to more and will NOT do this any longer. Give him a date and let him know that it is the last day you will transport him.
After that date, he is on his own. Stand by your boundaries and don’t allow him to manipulate you for another moment. He had an obligation to fix his situation, and it seems he’s done nothing. That is his problem, not yours.” Aggressive_Cattle320
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is ridiculous! He hasn’t paid ANY gas money?! You need to text him NOW and say no more rides. That free taxi service is over! And grow a spine, already. If he whines and cries about it, say if you need 6 weeks of gas money that he owes you plus you need to be prepaid for the next week.
And don’t cave. You need the money before Monday morning. And you need to hear his timeline to get his car fixed because you’re not driving him forever. Do this all over text if you’re a coward like me. But it needs to be said.
No money, no ride.” NoArt1475
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you were asked to provide a ride for a few weeks. You have been more than gracious in providing a ride for 6 weeks. Instead of telling your co-worker you can’t provide a ride any longer because you don’t want to.
Be honest and say you won’t provide a ride any longer as it impacts your life in ways you were aware of before. If they ask how simply say that having to pick up and drop them off every day limits your ability to plan anything or do anything immediately after work and that you had already stated you weren’t interested in carpooling.” Mundane-Cabinet9883
4. AITJ For Only Buying My Niece V-Bucks Because Her Mom Gaslights Her About Gift Origins?
“My niece’s mother, I’ll call her Agatha here, is a very selfish, greedy person. She’s always mean to others and is raising her daughter to be the same. If her daughter doesn’t get exactly what she wants for a gift she will tell the gifter she doesn’t want it.
Because of this, I try VERY hard to get her meaningful and unique gifts that she can appreciate even as she ages.
I recently found out that all the gifts I’ve gotten for my niece, her mom Agatha gaslights her into believing they’re from Agatha.
My niece literally believes that I’ve only ever gifted her V-bucks (for Fortnite). I found this out because I asked her if she still had one of the gifts and how she likes it and she looked at me all confused and said that I never got her that and that her mom bought it for her.
I asked about a couple of other things and got the same answer. I just said okay and went and did other stuff because I’m not going to tell a 10-year-old that her mother is lying to her.
Now though, I’m stuck thinking, “why should I get her anything other than V-bucks if her mom is just going to gaslight her into believing they’re from Agatha and not me.” The V-bucks she puts on her account before she goes home, so that seems to be the only thing I can get her that she can’t get gaslit into believing is from her mom.
AITJ for deciding I should only get her V-bucks from here on out? My mom says I’m being a jerk. I figure, when my niece is older and I know she will remember it, I can take her shopping and let her pick out what she wants and buy her lunch and make a day of it, that way Agatha can’t gaslight her.
Until then, I’m thinking V-bucks but again, my mom says I’m being cruel.”
Another User Comments:
“10 years old is old enough for her to remember you taking her out shopping to choose her gifts. Not sure why you think she’s too young for that now.
NTJ for wanting your niece to know your gifts are from you, but you’ve already described a better option than just giving the V-bucks.” KaliTheBlaze
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I really don’t know why you covered for her lying mother. I definitely would have told the kid she must have gotten mixed up because those gifts were from you.
I think your idea for “when she is older” should start immediately, otherwise, I wouldn’t get her anything. She’s definitely old enough to remember a special day out that culminates in picking out her birthday present. It sounds like your mother is afraid to cross Agatha and just wants to maintain the status quo.” uTop-Artichoke5020
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. See the thing is Agatha can only pass it off as hers…if you give it to Agatha first. Just keep the present give it to your niece and have her open it whilst you are there. Then I’d also start correcting and saying.
I got you this because I know how much you liked x that I got you. Then when she acts confused just say, no I got it for you. Not sure who is saying different.” SurroundMiserable262
3. AITJ For Refusing To Attend A Strictly Vegan Thanksgiving Dinner?
“I (54f) have a friend (55f) who went vegan 10 years ago. We’ve been friends for 20 years or more. We have a large group of friends 15-20 and there are a few of us that switch off cooking dinner on Thanksgiving for whoever is in town.
Since “Ann” went vegan we’ve always accommodated her dietary restrictions with at the very least some tofurkey, one side dish, and one dessert being strictly vegan.
This year Ann jumped in early and for the first time ever said she wanted to cook Thanksgiving this year.
Not a problem. Until she informed us in the group chat dinner would be 100% vegan. Some of us offered to bring more omnivore offerings, including a turkey and she insisted we eat vegan while at her house. She declared that vegan food “tastes exactly the same” as omnivore food.
It does not. I’ve been to her house and choked down bean burgers and chocolate cake and probably a dozen other meals each of which she insisted tasted just like the real thing. She even tried to fool me once with a Beyond burger, insisting it was a regular hamburger.
I have only found a limited number of vegan dishes I enjoy and none of them have ever been made by her.
After thinking it over and discussing it with my husband we decided to privately tell her we were bowing out of dinner on Thanksgiving this year.
I told her I wanted turkey, mashed potatoes, and pumpkin pie that were made with traditional ingredients. I could have lied and said we had plans to travel to see family but I don’t want to lie.
Ann has become angrier and angrier with me since I told her this about a week ago.
Then she went and complained to some of the women in our group about me refusing to attend just because she’s cooking. Which is sort of true but still made me angry. So I ended up explaining to the other ladies that we all very considerately make vegan dishes just for her at every party and get together any of us throw and it’s really unreasonable for her to insist that I strictly adhere to her dietary choices when I have never demanded the same from her.
So that blew up because all the ladies have now jumped to my way of thinking and decided they will have Thanksgiving at one of their houses instead. (We will not be attending their Thanksgiving either.)
My husband says we probably should have lied about going out of town or at the very least I should have not explained my reasoning to the other ladies.
I’ve decided to stay out of it from here on out but somehow Anna blames me for the whole debacle. AITJ for declining to attend a vegan Thanksgiving?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You accommodated her many times over, but she refuses to do so when hosting.
I get that being vegan is a choice most people make for ethical reasons, but the nonsense line of “it all tastes the same!” is so asinine. It doesn’t – and they know it. I often eat vegan meals of my own making, but never once have I made it thinking “this will taste just like that meat dish I made yesterday!” I KNOW it doesn’t – and I’m happy with my veggies.
Hopefully, Ann takes this as the eye-opener it needs to be. Her beliefs and choices are not something everyone will adopt, and the more she forces them on people, the more those people will reject the idea. I hope she enjoys her Thanksgiving alone because until she returns the graciousness of providing food for everyone at the table to enjoy based on their dietary choices, that’s how she’ll be spending it.” Discount_Mithral
Another User Comments:
“Staying out of this now is a good strategy. You didn’t do anything wrong. You told your friend you would not be attending giving her more than ample notice (instead of just not showing up). You asked if non Vegan food could be available and she said no. That could cause problems for people like me because soy products are off my list as well as bread and other “fillers”.
Honestly, I don’t want just salad for my Thanksgiving meal. You didn’t encourage anyone else to back out, you were honest when they asked. This doesn’t have to be a debacle. Ann turned it into that all by herself.” Tinkerpro
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m vegan. I’m making Christmas dinner for friends this year, including a real turkey and lots of other food I won’t eat. A few years ago, I had some friends stay for a week at Christmas. I offered to make a turkey, but as only one of them is an omnivore, he asked me to please not to.
I still managed to make a really nice Christmas dinner that everyone enjoyed. As a host, I accommodate my guests.” Jazzlike-Bird-3192
2. AITJ For Telling My Sister Our Mom Missed Her Concert?
“Tuesday was my (17f) little sister’s (10f) birthday, as well as her first-ever concert as part of her school’s choir and orchestra. Our mom (48f) promised her she would be there, but did not make it because she scheduled her plastic surgery for that same day and it ran late because of surgery complications.
Okay, I get that, but who schedules cosmetic surgery on such a major day???
Right as my sister got off of stage, she ran towards me and asked if our mom ever showed up. I told her that no, she hadn’t, because she had her cosmetic surgery.
Sister immediately bursts into tears and in the picture we took outside, it is very obvious that she’d been crying.
When we arrived home, mom called, she was put on speaker, and I told her that my sister was extremely upset and that she should apologize to her for getting her plastic surgery done and missing her concert.
Mom gets extremely angry and has been texting me for days about how I’m attention-seeking, causing drama for fun, being a brat, manipulating everyone, and making my sister sad over her not being there because I hate her. So am I the jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Look, plastic surgery is a very personal choice and I don’t judge your mom for getting cosmetic surgery at all. And scheduling surgeries can be tricky, and you don’t always get your first choice of date. However that said, your mom is definitely a jerk for telling your little sister she’d make it to her concert once she knew the date of the surgery.
Even if the procedure was on time, did she honestly expect that she was going to be going to a concert right after getting surgery?! The fact that your mom still led your sister to believe she was attending definitely is a jerk move and makes it seem like she definitely did prioritize cosmetic surgery over your sister.” poo_explosion
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is a selfish behavior from your mom that will never change (unless she makes a concentrated effort to change it), and it is NOT your responsibility to lie for her. It is unlikely that your mother will ever take responsibility for her mistakes, and she will continue to find someone – anyone – else to blame.
In many cases, she will even manipulate others into seeing things her way, but it is important that you know this was not your fault, and that it is not your job to lie to your sister when your mother falls short as a parent.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“Ehhhh I don’t know – I mean yeah it sucks that she couldn’t make it despite promising to but at the same time surgery has risks and it sounds like that’s what led to her not coming—she probably thought she could do both from what I’m guessing (and I do hope that both your mom and sister are doing better).
It is a little odd how she’d schedule it for your sister’s birthday, but perhaps there were no other openings or something? I don’t know, I feel like that would probably change my answer vs if it was purposefully scheduled on her birthday.
(I do not agree with the mom here – the way she acted was 110% uncalled for and it’s pretty unrealistic of her to think that she could do both on the same day. I also think she should have been clear from the start that she’d be missing it for her surgery.
I think this is a weird complicated case where there isn’t one particular jerk. Finally, I hope you and your family are doing better since that concert.)” North_Rest_5129
1. AITJ For Being More Active During My Pregnancy Than My Friend?
“I’m 26 and I have a friend who is 26 as well. We met as part of a larger friend group and have gotten closer since we’re both pregnant at the same time. I’m 28 weeks and she’s 23 weeks.
We’re still friends with the other girls and see them regularly but we see each other weekly, go shopping, go out to eat, etc.
The last month or so, she’s been canceling plans a lot because she’s not feeling well which is understandable. Her husband is deployed and she just has her sister near her but her sister has a family.
I told her each time to text me if she needs anything that I’m only a call away. I also made her a lasagna which she’s been craving a lot and had my husband drop it off.
She came over yesterday when I was making cookies and cupcakes for my nephews.
We were hanging out when she asked me what I did in the times our plans were canceled so I started telling her that I caught up with an old friend who was in town, visited family, signed up for prenatal yoga, and finished the last of our nursery shopping and started putting it together with my husband.
She seemed to slump so I asked her what was wrong and she said that she wishes she could put up her nursery with her husband. I gave her a side hug and told her I’m sorry that he’s not here, then to cheer her up I asked her if she wanted our friends and me to come over and help her?
It wouldn’t be the same but at least that way she’ll have her girls with her. She stiffened and I let her go to give her space and started icing the cookies and cupcakes. I asked her if she wanted some but she shook her head and just kept staring at me before she asked quietly why did I have to be this way?
I asked her what she meant and she just gestured in my direction and said “like this, why do you always have to make me feel bad about myself?”
I was shocked and asked her what I did and she said that I was always an overachiever but that she didn’t think I’d try so hard in my pregnancy too.
She started listing what I’ve been doing which is baking/cooking food all the time, staying fit and going for walks and stuff, keeping my house spotless, and still having an active social life. I asked her if she wanted me to be miserable instead?
And reminded her that I did those stuff even before getting pregnant. It’s not like I was or am doing anything extraordinary, just regular life stuff. She shook her head and said that I just had to make her look like a lazy cow in comparison.
I was gaping by this point and what could I say? She was accusing me of something I apparently did by being myself so I just asked her to please leave and she did.
I thought about sending her a text to make sure she was okay but what would I even say?
I asked for advice from another third-party friend who doesn’t know her and she said that I should distance myself because she doesn’t sound like a friend. I’m stuck in the middle because maybe my actions did make her feel bad? But on the other hand why would they make her feel bad?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. This isn’t about you – it’s about her. She’s alone and pregnant – so when she feels bad in the morning she has no one to bring her toast to make her not feel bad. And that’s draining.
Maybe you are one of those lucky ones who has zero morning sickness – and maybe she feels nauseous all the time. Maybe your body is better at being pregnant – and she is having a hard time or maybe she feels very alone or maybe she gets depressed having to go to her appointments alone.
Sounds like she was having a moment where she was feeling her lack of support – and then snapped at your offer because she felt guilty. None of this makes her the jerk either – being pregnant is hard. (I’ve been there six times) Just give her some space – and if you care about the relationship continuing reach out again and ask if she would like another lasagna or to hang out.
Don’t bring up her comments and let it go with grace.” malevolentk
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She was being a jerk in the moment – you’re not doing anything wrong. All that being said, I’m in my second pregnancy and am one of those people whose bodies hate pregnancy.
Debilitating morning sickness, lost 15 pounds in the first trimester, still get some nausea in the second trimester, bad pelvic pain, and antenatal depression (which I’m treated for). I hate it. And unlike your friend, I have a partner at home with me to help me.
It really really sucks to hear people talk about enjoying pregnancy and thriving. Like reading everything you’re doing made me deeply frustrated. Not at you, but at my own body. And then the doubt starts to creep in that maybe I’m just not trying hard enough.
And maybe I could go do all the stuff if I just tried harder and maybe I’m just lazy and it’s my fault. That doesn’t justify what she said to you – it was jerkish, it’s not your fault and she shouldn’t be taking it out on you.
But I do think she’s probably in a bad place and you may not be the best person to be around right now – and it may be extra frustrating that one of the only sources of support she seems to have is someone whose pregnancy makes her feel jealous and crappy.
So I’d give her some space but maybe try to understand that she’s having an awful time and people don’t always act their best when they’re in the middle of that.” ReadySettyGoey
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, but I get the feeling this—having a friend vocalize that others just existing makes them feel bad about how they handle it—is not something you’ve ever dealt with before from a friend.
I have, from different friends over the years. Over those years, the best way I’ve found to handle it is honestly not too far off from how you tried to handle her feeling alone in the first place. Something like this: A: You’re such an overachiever, you’re making me feel like crap.
B: I don’t want you to feel that way. I do these things because they make me happy, and because I can. Just because I do them doesn’t mean you can or even have to, and that’s okay. I don’t think less of you because of it, and I want to help you feel better.
You wouldn’t think less of me if the roles were reversed, right? Usually, a question like that gets the other person to say “No, of course not” because you’re asserting that you think they’re a good person, and people usually rise to expectations.
I generally wrap up by reminding the person that I’m their friend, and that our friendship is on purpose. I also often say that I don’t deserve to be thought of that way, but it’s thrown in with everything else, or said once the waters are calm again.
The key is to remain calm and not take anything personally.
Of course, if she were to reply “I would think less of you, actually” or if she keeps repeating herself and ignoring what you’re communicating, you can quit the interaction whenever you’re tired of it.
You’re only obligated to put in as much effort as YOU want to, depending on how much YOU value the relationship. Good luck, and I hope you can resolve this, one way or another. She sounds lonely, and you sound like a good friend; just remember not to sacrifice yourself to her emotional needs either.” barfbat
