People Can't Wait To Hear Our Opinions Regarding Their "Am I The Jerk" Stories
19. AITJ For Not Giving My Partner's Grandma A Ride?
“My partner (38M) and I (34F) are attending his cousin’s wedding on Friday. I have taken the day off work and organized suits for my 2 boys (6M & 9M) in order to be able to attend the ceremony. After the ceremony, I will need to drive the boys home (40mins) and meet the babysitter as the reception is adults only (fair enough).
I don’t have any family in my state so I have had to arrange a babysitter through an agency at a cost of $225+$60 booking fee. I will then drive the 40mins back to attend the reception. As a single parent, this is a significant cost to me (forgoing a day’s work, paying for suits, babysitting & gift), not to mention stressful in terms of getting everyone ready and driving there and back again.
It’s also going to be the only outing I can afford for quite a while.
My partner’s Nanna (85F) has asked us to give her a ride. We have taken her to several events recently. However, Nanna is extremely difficult and demanding and is often rude to me (makes negative comments about my appearance, parenting, etc.).
I would usually agree to give her a ride, but I’m already feeling stressed about the schedule and she has a large extended family and there are plenty of other people she could ask, though I know she has burned many bridges with her behavior. I am especially worried that she will get tired and demand to be taken home halfway through the reception.
To accommodate her we would also need to leave the reception early (before the bride and groom) as her home is not on the route and the babysitter is only booked until 12.30 am and I really can’t afford to extend this further as there is a surcharge for changing bookings without 5 days notice.
My partner thinks I am the jerk because his Nanna is elderly and it would be mean to say no. He also thinks it will create family drama which he wants to avoid.
I think it’s unfair to me to have to change plans to accommodate her, and put extra stress on me especially when she is so unkind to me.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, it’s already absolutely ridiculous to expect you to go through all that for a non-immediate family wedding, to begin with before taking into account picking up and dropping off an extra person who isn’t even someone you really want to be around.
Suggest taking 2 cars so he can play chauffeur while you handle your business. I personally wouldn’t have sacrificed as much as you are to go to my own sibling’s wedding so the idea of doing that for a cousin of someone I’m seeing is mind-blowing. I would have just replied not attending on the RSVP and sent a gift at most.” terayonjf
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, so you are having to take the day off work, do all the driving, pay for all the gas and pay for clothing for the boys and probably a few needed things for yourself for HIS family, your SO, not fiance, not husband and he is happy to volunteer you for running his nasty nan about the place.
If I were you I’d be looking very hard at your partner as how much sheer mental, emotional, physical, and financial work you do in this relationship and how much he is telling you to******* up.” Which_Pudding_4332
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your partner is a major jerk. Why are you with him? You aren’t even related to this woman.
You are strapped for cash; why isn’t he covering your costs of attending the wedding if he wants you to attend? My SO wanted me to attend a family wedding in the early days of our relationship and paid for everything (flight, lodgings, food) because I was a broke uni student. Get a new man.
Not only does he not offset the costs of you attending a wedding in his family but he is also entitled.” 4682458
18. AITJ For Not Letting My Step-Brother Propose With My Mom's Heirloom?
“My mother passed away 3 years ago, I (19F) was her only biological child but she took care of my step-dad’s children (25M, 26M, and 30F), they married when I was 2 and she took care of them ever since.
I’m not personally close with either of them or her husband and when she passed, I moved to my dad’s home full-time and never spoke to them again.
Now, my mom left some funds to each of them, but nothing like jewelry, family heirlooms, or things like that. Jon wants to get married to his long-term partner and a few weeks ago sent me a message saying he wanted to talk and I agreed, I congratulated him and everything, but he asked for my mom’s engagement ring since she always ‘promised it’ to him.
My mom and Jon were really, really close, closer than me and her maybe, I knew she loved him the most and it hurts, yeah, but whatever. He showed me some old messages between him and my mom saying things like ‘If you want the ring, just ask my love’, or ‘I have the ring kept in a box for you’, but she never actually changed her will for the ring to be left to him and she had plenty of time to do so because she did leave them money.
These rings go back a few generations back, maybe 200-250 years old, it was my mom’s, my grandma, my great-grandma, etc, my mom wore it all the time and it’s the only piece of jewelry she actually liked. I said I was gonna think about it before leaving.
I consulted my mom’s lawyer and he said that they have no claim over the ring because it’s stated for ‘the rest’ to go to me while they received funds and that if they try to sue, it’ll most likely be a loss on their part, so I’m in legally in the clear.
I texted my step-brother again and said that I’d given it a thought and ultimately decided to not give the ring, but that he was welcome to pick another piece of my mom’s jewelry box. Everything exploded, Jon and his brothers are calling me a jerk because ‘She promised him’ and I don’t know what to do, he’s calling me a thief and a jealous sister.
ETA: I never badmouthed or spoke ill of my step-brother (or the rest of my step-family) to be called jealous. I never implied he was less than me or that I hated him/didn’t like them, my mom passed away when I was still a minor and I went to live with my dad full time, we just lost the relationship, but I’ve always wished them a good thing.
I wrote A LINE about how my mom was closer to him and it hurt me, but nothing to me. I was just accepting facts to give you context, not to be called jealous.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Block him. You had no contact with him after your mom died so it shouldn’t be that hard to block him.
Your mom took the time to write out a will where she made it very clear what she wanted to leave each of you. If she really wanted him to have it she would have either included it in the will or changed the will at some point. She did neither of those things. The fact that this ring has been in her family for over two hundred years and was passed down from mother to daughter suggests she was intentional in not leaving it to him in the will.
She was intentional in leaving all of her personal items to you as her biological daughter. She left them funds but choose to leave you with her personal belongings because there held a sentimental value that she wanted you as her daughter to have. You may not have felt close growing up but your mom knew what she was doing and wanted to continue the family tradition have the ring passed down from mother to daughter.” Such-Awareness-2960
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Ignore those who are calling you jealous or ugly about your one comment on your mother’s relationship with your stepbrother. Reddit is ridiculously weird and generally ridiculous. Of late, there have been a number of posts about a piece of heirloom jewelry going to a stepchild as opposed to a bio child, and people may say that the heirloom jewelry should go to the bio child.
But apparently, here you’re getting flack as the bio child wanting to keep a ring that was willed to you and has essentially been in your family for 250 Years.
I understand perfectly why your stepbrothers are up in arms and think their brother should get the ring and that he discussed it with your mom.
But clearly, she had a change of heart or she would have willed it to him or talked to you about it and asked you to give it to him if she died. She did none of those things. I think you can keep the ring with a clear conscience and you did the right thing by offering your stepbrother an opportunity to look through her other jewelry.
I would however put the ring in a safety deposit box and not leave it in your home where someone could break it and take it. Either that or have security cameras around your home.” Trixie-applecreek
Another User Comments:
“NTJ entirely. This ring is passed down from mother to daughter. It’s actually not originally your mom’s ring.
If the step-brother gets it and gives it to his fiance the ring goes out of your family entirely. It then goes down the fiance’s line which makes no sense.
Furthermore, he and his brothers got money. They then never had anything to do with you. They only wanted to bother with you when they wanted stuff from you, taking more of your inheritance.
That is just greed on their part.
That you offered him another piece of jewelry proves you aren’t jealous and you are offering a solution. That is very mature of you.
Also – the texts mention a ring in a box, don’t they? But she wore the ring left to you. Could they be two different rings?
Perhaps the ring she referenced was his biological mother’s ring? In which case, they need to go to their father.
Jon and his brothers are really crap people and don’t let them get into your head.
PLEASE keep that ring. It is a beautiful tradition and shows your mom DID think of you.” Key_Transition_6036
17. AITJ For Not Attending My Sister's Wedding?
“I have two daughters, my biological daughter Alicia (6) and my stepdaughter Marissa (14). I started going out with my wife Natalie two and a half years ago, and we have been married for seven months. Marissa’s father is, to be blunt, a narcissistic jerk, and Natalie works long hours. So while there were some issues at first we’ve gotten really close.
Plus Alicia completely loves and looks up to her big sister.
My sister, May, has been planning her wedding. I’m the best man. She wanted Alicia to be her flower girl and our nephews are both involved. They want a child-free wedding but made an exception for every niece and nephew aside from Marissa. I understand not having Marissa at the wedding party, but having all the cousins but Marissa at the wedding isn’t right.
I tried to talk to May about it, but it’s gone poorly. She thinks it’s fine, that Marissa doesn’t have a role so there is no reason to bring her, that she doesn’t want more children at the wedding, that she ‘barely knows’ Marissa so it’s ‘not the same’ as Alicia. So it would be me, Nat, and Alicia there, as well as all the cousins, but Marissa has to stay home.
While I can kind of see where she’s coming from, I don’t agree at all. I told May that if she excludes Marissa, Alicia, and I won’t be coming. She’s furious about me not supporting her, losing the flower girl and best man, and thinks I’m being selfish.
I’ve tried to avoid fighting over it and just repeat that I won’t attend and stay out of it, but May is furious and my parents and brother have been badgering me about it as well.
Everyone thinks I’m being unreasonable, that it’s May’s choice, but that doesn’t mean I have to be ok with it. She can make her choice, and I’ll make mine. I’ve made so much progress trying to show Marissa that she’s family, that she’s loved, and I’m not going to let them treat her like an outsider.
Still, I’ve been getting a lot of pressure from my family and it’s possible I’m being unreasonable. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are being entirely reasonable-especially the part where you are refusing to engage and just repeating that you will not attend.
An invite to a family can include both kids or no kids, but it can’t include just one kid.
No way. The wedding party is just a distraction from that fundamental truth.
You are a family and kudos for insisting that your family be treated as such.
I suggest language like this:
‘I’m sorry but I can’t attend a wedding when only one of my two daughters is invited. It would be terribly unfair to my other daughter and I refuse to do that to her.’
It says nothing about your sister being unfair or cruel (even though she is). It is entirely about your choices and your decisions and your family and therefore much more difficult for other people to argue with.” coffeecoffi
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
May’s choice is to bully Marissa, exclusion is bullying. Your family is choosing to support the bullying.
Now you know what your extended family thinks of your nuclear family.
You are doing the right thing not going but I think you need to be honest with Marissa about the reason why. Adults that have no problem bullying children have no problem finding a way to message them directly to accuse them of ‘destroying the family’ or other such nonsense.
She needs to know that your extended family is in time out due to their bad behavior.” EarlyStatement4799
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If she’s inviting her nieces and nephews then she needs to invite all nieces and nephews; excluding one child when their own siblings are going is unnecessarily cruel and sends a direct message that your stepdaughter isn’t ‘real’ family, which is hurtful to her and disrespectful to you and your biological daughter.
You love your stepdaughter as your daughter, your bio daughter loves your stepdaughter as a sister; those relationships are important.
You have the right to pull out of a wedding when your family isn’t being respected, the same way someone can pull out of a wedding if their partner isn’t allowed to come with them.
You’re absolutely correct: she’ll make her choice, and you’ll make yours.” ctortan
16. AITJ For Reporting My Son's Therapist?
“My (m36) son’s (14) dog passed away recently. I signed him up with a therapist because his dog’s death has literally left him unable to speak. He’s been in therapy for 2 weeks now.
2 days ago, My son called crying saying his stepdad punished him by taking his bicycle and selling it for no reason. I was livid.
I went to have a word with his stepdad and he told me that there WAS a reason and that is the fact that my son ‘badmouthed’ him to the therapist, and claimed that he treated the dog poorly.
I was floored by this. I had an argument with him and asked how he knew and told him to prove that my son said all that.
He showed me texts between him and my son’s therapist. So basically… the therapist had been giving out private info about a bunch of stuff my son talked about in therapy. I was even more floored. I went straight to that therapist and we had a huge argument. I told him I was going to report him after he defended himself saying the reason he gave my son’s stepdad this info was because of concern as ‘a parent’.
I said that I don’t care what the justification was, and went on with my report. He tried to talk about how he felt for my son’s stepdad and his concerns as a ‘parent’ so he didn’t think he did anything wrong.
My son’s mom called after she found out about the report and she blew up at me on the phone calling me a controlling jerk for what I did.
I ignored her calls after that but my own wife thought I made a hasty decision and that the real problem was with my son’s stepdad, not the therapist.
Was I in the wrong for reporting him?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your son had stopped speaking while trying to mourn the death of his dog.
The only person that could get him to talk, was his therapist. His therapist then engaged in a reportable offense, by sharing information from his sessions, with his stepfather.
If there were no grounds for what you reported, none of them would be worried. They’d think that you had gone off on a tangent and that there wouldn’t be any consequences for the breach of trust/information.
You had no choice but to report his therapist. Otherwise, you’d be part of the problem of teaching your son (at such a young age) that not even medical professionals are to be trusted.” baobab77
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
There’s a lot wrong in this situation. First, depending on what state you’re in, your child may or may not have protections against the sharing of his mental health information even with his parents without his permission already (in some states in the US, it’s age 13).
Second, even if he does not have protections against that in your state, this was not shared with his mother but with his stepfather.
This is definitely a situation where what the therapist did was at least questionable. Let the state licensing board sort it out.
Also, find your kid another therapist (obviously). The relationship with this one is completely ruined.” PurpleMarsAlien
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. What the therapist was unethical and illegal. Report him. Yelp review him.
I suppose I would ask how you found this particular therapist for your son. Because it sounds to me like the therapist is a friend/acquaintance of the stepfather which is why he shared privileged information with him.
Of course, the therapist Was trying to justify himself.
He knows he messed up and did something that can cost him his license, and likely mess with his malpractice insurance when he gets sued. Your ex-wife is going to be defending her husband because, whether she admits it or not, she knows that her husband messed up.
I don’t get your wife’s position on this – Yes, this is a problem with your son’s stepfather, but that doesn’t absolve the therapist from engaging in an illegal act.
Definitely report the therapist. And talk to a lawyer both about suing the therapist for malpractice and about revisiting custody.” TeeKaye28
15. AITJ For Hanging A Photo Of My Deceased Son-In-Law On The Family Wall?
“My (F) daughter Emily was in a relationship with my late son-in-law Arthur for ten years (15 to 25 – 2 years married). He passed away suddenly from an aneurysm.
It affected my family in many ways. Although they started going out when they were only 15 years old, I had known Arthur since he was 5 years old.
He was much more than a son-in-law, I saw him as a son and it hurt like he was one when passed away. He said several times that I was his only mother figure (no grandparents and absent mother). He passed away 3 years ago.
I have a mural on the wall with family photos, two of the framed photos are one of Arthur alone (college graduation) and one of him with my daughter (7 years dirty to the core of mud).
9 months ago Emily met Tim, a great guy and he treats my daughter like a lady. The relationship quickly escalated to an engagement after she found out she was pregnant.
My husband and I already know him and we have a normal relationship, nothing so close because we only really know him better for 5 months.
He started to come to family dinners frequently (we have 1 every 2 weeks – he came in 4 so far) and if I’m not mistaken 1 time Arthur’s name was mentioned, but that’s when Tim asked who was the boy from the photo and we explain who he is.
Yesterday, Emily came home alone and asked if we could talk.
She explained by saying that she doesn’t feel comfortable seeing Arthur’s photos on the mural on the wall, it seems like a remember of the past in her life and it also made Tim uncomfortable for us to keep a picture of Arthur, considering possibly that I will have pictures of my grandson, Emily, and Tim together.
(I have a photo like this with my other daughter). And asked me to remove his pictures.
I was very honest that it was not because he was my late son-in-law that he was there, but because I consider him my son and they are important photos of a person I can no longer hug or talk to.
I understood this is her past, but it is a good memory that I want to keep on the wall in my house. So my answer was no.
She started to say that I wasn’t willing to commit and that I was making things difficult for her and her new relationship.
Well, she doesn’t answer my calls or texts.
My husband supports my decision, but my other daughter said I could put it next to my bed, but as I said, it’s the photo wall of important moments and those 2 photos are, I didn’t want to remove it.
AITJ?
There are 20 photos in total. Wall with several people.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Arthur was a huge part of your life and that mural is about people who were important to you.
I realize it might be difficult for Tim but he needs to realize he’s marrying a widow. I just don’t see that pretending Arthur never existed is going to make Tim’s situation easier.
In fact, trying to forget Arthur ever happened is likely to make things worse, as he is bound to come up between him and Emily.
It really is best that Tim learn to adjust to the fact that Arthur was an important part of his wife’s (and your) lives.” RighteousVengeance
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – stay strong on this. The past doesn’t cease to have happened just because life continues. Your daughter’s fiancé needs to realize that having memories doesn’t reflect upon him- he is not competing with a ghost, and if he tries to do that, he’ll lose.
He needs to accept that part of her history, respect it, and look to the future. Your daughter probably cares less and is simply trying to support her fiancé. You are right to remember him, as her husband or as a son, it is your home, your choice, and your fiancé’s insecurities are his issues to work on, not your problem.” Relevant_Turnip_7538
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Arthur was a part of your family and he’s no less loved simply because he had the misfortune of passing away at a young age.
Almost everyone has a past before they meet the one they marry. Your daughter’s past includes Arthur. Her fiancé should be comforted to know that she loved someone and despite suffering a great loss at a young age, has opened her heart to loving again.
He may have been your daughter’s fiancé, but Arthur meant a great deal to you too. You have 2 photos of him; that’s hardly a shrine. Again, your daughter’s new fiancé should take comfort in knowing that your family brings people in to expand the family, rather than separating people from one and other.
I’m a little concerned your daughter has dived head first into this relationship and is willing to make too many sacrifices to keep him happy.” FieldPug
14. AITJ For Not Giving The Vacation Details To My Mother-In-Law?
“My fiancée, Betty (25F), is notoriously bad at dealing with surprises. She says she likes them but I think she likes trying to figure out what they are before she gets them.
Last year, when I (26M) was going to propose, Betty enlisted her mother, June (50s? 60s?), to figure out when and where I was going to pop the question.
I had planned the exact proposal Betty wanted, including the ring. The plan for me to propose wasn’t a surprise, we talked extensively about what she wanted, how she wanted it, etc. The proposal itself was the surprise.
Over the course of several weeks, June asked probing questions. I thought it was because she was excited for her daughter to get married. Nope!
I later found out that it was because she was feeding info back to Betty. I was pretty upset since I had been taking notes for, literally, YEARS on what she liked. They’ve done this with most of the gifts I’ve given her. This year, I planned a trip for Christmas for us. It’s our last vacation while engaged, so I wanted to do something bigger.
We told Betty’s family so that we could plan a ‘family’ Christmas, and so that they weren’t expecting us the day of. June has been asking questions about the trip. How we’re getting there, if it’ll be cold, are we going anywhere fancy, etc. Now, if June could keep a secret, I’d have told her everything.
But she’s proved that she can’t. And I have a big surprise lined up for this trip that I DO NOT want to get out of.
I straight up told June that I am not giving her any info and that she will find out during or after the trip. She insisted that it was because she wanted to buy us gifts that would make the trip more fun.
I said that we didn’t need anything, but thank you.
MIL has now taken to the family group chat and insisted that I am isolating Betty from the family and making it harder for her to find the Christmas gifts we would like. Honestly, my in-laws are pretty split. Betty’s siblings don’t really want to get involved but have given their opinion.
Betty’s father is pretty solidly on my side. My friends say that I should just stop planning surprises. Which is fair. But Betty insists that she loves them. I feel like I keep just digging myself a deeper hole.
AITJ for not just letting Betty enjoy surprises the way she wants to?”
Another User Comments:
“It sounds as if you are just a pawn in some weird game your SO and her mother (and possibly the rest of the family) like to play. They don’t tell you the rules, possibly because they don’t want you to know the rules of their game, but they seem to get upset when you don’t play the game by rules you don’t know.
It’s time to have a talk with Betty and find out how to proceed to go further otherwise you will become resentful and angry. I know I would. NTJ.” KarizmaWithaK
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The part where the MIL tells everyone you are isolating Betty is a red flag. If you go through with this wedding you are going to be dealing with crap like this for many many years.
It’s not going to get better. The MIL is only going to get worse. If you think that your SO is worth it then just stop doing surprises. The next time your SO and MIL are with you say that it’s just too difficult to deal with the accusations… so this is what the trip is and I will no longer be doing any surprises.
If they can’t handle that then you deserve better.” Lilac-Roses-Sunsets
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, respond back to the family chat ‘MIL, you have violated my trust once, in a way that I’m still trying to work through how to forgive you for. As of now, I know, beyond a reasonable doubt, that I can’t trust you.
That any information I tell you will be immediately spread, and as such, I will not ruin something I planned by telling you any details. You had your chance with this, and you proved yourself untrustworthy, there is no way I will ever tell you anything important ahead of time again. Hopefully, with time, I can work through the feelings I have over the very important part of my life you already spoiled, but I will not be giving you a chance to do it again.’
Make sure that is in the chat, that the reason you won’t disclose is that MIL is untrustworthy. Shine a very, very bright light on them, and watch MIL scuttle like a roach.” FPFan
13. AITJ For Not Letting My Brother To Use My Parents To Leech Off Me?
“My brother is constantly in and out of jail since 15 selling illegal stuff and trying to live ‘The Street Life’ he’s almost 40 now.
My parents and family have spent thousands of dollars trying to help him throughout this time. He’s stolen and pawned things from every family member which he’s banned from ever going to their houses.
Some items are well over 10K.
This led to my parents banning him from the houses time and time again. However, since the last time a few years back things have been peaceful and they’ve helped from a distance which was fine.
Well.. he’s back after his baby mama took their kids and left after he quit his jobs because they went on a vacation or something and didn’t budget their funds.
Apparently, My parents called to tell me and I told them do not let him come to stay there. I don’t have a relationship with my brother because usually he only comes around when he needs something.
My parents are retired finally… they still have their struggles but I’ve been helping pay significant bills for them.
I find out my brother is there and they never told me.
I was not only angry but hurt they were once again in the same cycle after all these years of my parents trying to help him when I’ve been helping them. I told them before I would not help him anymore because of his track record for stealing from me but also the entire family.
I learned before that my parents would ask for funds and buy him stuff in the past times so I stated that if they have enough to take him into their home. Then they have enough to pay their own bills. I paid for them for this month so they have time to plan.
However, now I’m being called bitter and getting things thrown in my face when my parents helped me.
They also stated that I should move on cause it’s what Jesus would do… AITJ for not wanting to contribute to my family’s toxic cycle?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, of course, they are going to say absolutely anything to get you to give them funds. Like it is what Jesus would do, you should forgive and forget the past, your brother is trying, he is your brother, you owe us, we did everything for you, blah blah.
All manipulation to get you to do what they want. When that doesn’t work they will do the berating attacks like you are a bad child, they didn’t raise you to be like this, they expected better of you, you are being selfish, cold, bitter, you hold grudges, etc, or they try the silent treatment or tell all your relatives you are a bad person.” Which_Pudding_4332
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Jesus also didn’t lie, so what are their thoughts on that, as people who’ve lied to their own child for their own financial benefit, hmmm?
Speaking of Jesus, he could also raise the dead, walk on water, make wine out of the water, and turn a few loaves and fishes into an all-you-can-eat buffet.
Are they disappointed you can’t do that either, or are they just interested in the vague, undefined parameters of ‘WWJD (What Would Jesus Do?)’ that benefit them, after they go ahead and deliberately set those vague parameters to what does benefit them? Because I do NOT remember any part in the Bible where Jesus said ‘suffer the dealing thieves to come unto my house and do whatever they want because I’m a pushover, y’all.’
You and they each get to make your own choices and boundaries in life. You told them what yours are, and what the consequences of theirs would be if they conflicted with yours. They made those choices anyway. They don’t get to throw helping you in your face because a) THEY’RE YOUR PARENTS. They clearly feel that obligation to your brother who steals from them, they don’t get to have such appallingly different standards and act like you’re the problem in this scenario.
And b) you are self-sufficient and have been helping them, as long as you weren’t being taken advantage of to support a third party you very clearly stated you weren’t going to.” ISTFMM
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and The fact that they throw Jesus into the mix is funny. Remember what he did? ‘And Jesus went into the temple of God, and cast out all them that sold and bought in the temple, and overthrew the tables of the funds changers, and the seats of them that sold doves, And said unto them, It is written, My house shall be called the house of prayer, but ye have made it a den of thieves’.
SO not wanting to give funds to support a thief is probably closer in line to what Jesus would want than to help a thief. Jesus aside, it is your money and you have a right to do what you want and help who you want. When helping someone like your parents you also have a right to put limitations on that help.
They lied to you because they knew you would cut them off if you knew they were helping him.” Scarletzoe
12. WIBTJ If I Tell My Best Friend Not To Invite Her Husband To Our Hangouts?
“I (34F) have been best friends with ‘Shelby’ (32F) for more than a decade. We have been through almost everything an adult can go through from being fired to losing parents and having a family. I am the godmother to her children and we do almost everything together.
I have a general anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder, and PTSD.
I don’t like surprises as they tend to exacerbate these conditions.
Over the last 3 months, Shelby has been inviting her husband (31M) every time we go out. I don’t mind every once and a while, but I feel like I can’t talk to her about private things when he is around, such as my mental health issues and things going on with work.
The really big issue is she never tells me she is inviting him – he’s just there when I show up at the meeting place or her house when I pick her up, he says he’s coming along. There are a number of reasons why this bothers me: 1: The plans we did have are thrown out the window or altered greatly, which messes with my mental health.
I don’t like not knowing what to expect, and having him join last minute creates minor chaos 2: The entire time we’re out, all they do is fight with each other. It’s awkward 3: Him coming means the kids are coming, again tweaking the plans
I want to tell her that just randomly inviting him is not okay, as I feel disrespected, but mainly because of the alterations of plans in such a short time frame, but I don’t want to be too harsh.
WIBTJ if I asked her to stop inviting him without talking to me about it first?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but I have concerns for your friend, maybe it’s not her inviting him along, maybe it’s him inviting himself along. As a way of controlling her perhaps? This might require a private conversation with her as to why he always feels the need to insert himself in girl time.
And if it’s not a control issue, Next time invite him along, do not change your plans, make it something super girly, manicures, pedicures, getting your hair done. And if he insists on coming along put him in charge of the children.” justtired2022
Another User Comments:
“YWNBTJ! It is absolutely reasonable to expect to have your plans respected and for girls’ time to be girls’ time.
There is a time and place for group activities and as an adult, she should know that. Bringing kids along announced is… incredibly rude. I say this as a person with two children, I’d never just ‘bring the kids’ without discussing it first.
Tell your friend that you enjoy her family, but sometimes you need private time with her.
Maybe as a compromise to make every few outings ‘family’ ones if that’s what she needs, but you aren’t wrong for wanting one on one time.
Do you think the husband is inviting himself along or is she telling him to come? When I was very young I had an SO who would constantly invite himself, he took it as a given, mainly because he had no friends of his own.
It became a huge problem but I was young and unwise and basically just stopped going out with my friends rather than broach it.” thebabes2
Another User Comments:
“YWNBTJ, communication is a key component to most relationships. I’d talk to her about all of it, like hey you know things stress me out. Well, unplanned things stress me out and I miss just hanging out one on one.
Also, I’m curious if she has a choice in the matter when it comes to him attending your plans. It doesn’t sound like the healthiest relationship since they are arguing all the time. I’d also talk to her about how that arguing is also causing you, and probably this kid’s, stress. (And it’s just not healthy).” Puzzleheaded_Bar1340
11. AITJ For Refusing To Sign An Agreement So My Housemate Can Take Care Of A Dog?
“I was happy for the dog to stay for a month or two initially, with it to head home mid august but that has since moved to the end of October at a minimum with no end date in sight.
Have been told, just a couple more weeks twice now so I’m inclined not to believe that.
In terms of pets in the house, I have two budgies that I keep in my bedroom, one of which was a rescue I saved from certain death (the vet said she’d be lucky to survive a month).
The birds are away from everyone, I ask for no assistance with them and regularly clean up after them. So after 18 months, there have been no issues.
Our tenancy agency has requested the 4 of us living there (3 having no association with the dog) to sign a pet agreement that has us all liable for any damages that occur to the property and for the bottom level to be fumigated after the dog leaves.
Not signing the agreement would mean she would have to find another home for the dog in the interim.
I haven’t had a good look around but have noticed the backyard has been slightly torn up and the back door handle has been pretty scratched up too. Both of which I don’t really want to have to chip in to fix.
She says she will take care of it but having been burnt by housemates in the past, I’m cautious.
On top of this, the house is kinda gross atm with muddy footprints on the floor and dog hair everywhere (has been like that for a while with no effort on her part to clean it up).
With allergy season coming up, I can already feel the effects coming on and don’t feel like dealing with it even more so.
So, I must ask, am I the jerk for not wanting to sign the per agreement despite the fact I have pets myself?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Livability is something important. And if she is not showing any signs to be helping the damage not occur now, she probably will refuse to pay alone in the future.
Budgies are pets, ok. But small birds, contained in a room don’t make that much damage. I find it hard to believe you’ll have to repair walls, doors, or windows because of them. And if they indeed damage anything you are the one responsible to pay for it.
Check with the agency if you can sign an agreement exclusively for the birds.
And she signs one for the dog. To each its responsibility.” Technical_Lawbster
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You may have pets yourself, but that doesn’t seem to have prompted the agreement (as far as you’ve presented things, which I tend to believe because the agreement came after the dog and includes fumigation, etc. So, it seems like the landlord noticed the dog and responded with this request).
No, you shouldn’t have to sign it. You WILL be on the hook; people can say ‘I’ll look after it’ all they want but 9/10 they’re full of it. Unless she pays up front for everyone’s portion of the fumigation cost – at least – ’cause that ignores potential damages you’ll be liable for… then, no you’re NTJ here.
I get that she might make you feel like one though. Since ‘you have pets too’ etc. Bottom line is, if YOU bring an animal in, you look after it and that includes all costs.
It’s not a shared animal, it doesn’t belong to you in any way. You were gracious enough to let it stay this long, which is a big ask if you have a pet allergy!?
And you’re not a hypocrite because you have budgies; the agreement is because of the dog.
So, NTJ. Some things are too much to ask and you don’t have to cave to them.” jfartster
Another User Comments:
“Don’t sign it. The dog is ALREADY wearing out its welcome and you have reason to believe the owner, your roommate, is banking on everyone’s kindness and reluctance to make a scene as a way to shoehorn the dog into a more permanent living arrangement.
You note a torn-up yard and property damage that has happened in addition to overall dirtier living conditions inside the home. And you have allergies.
Don’t sign it. What do you get out of this dog ownership other than the aforementioned? This is not a good fit. Let your roommate deal with the dog and find a home for it.
Which is what she was going to do anyway, right? Or just a few more weeks…? I think your roommate is a liar. Hold her to her end of the deal and stand your ground. If your birds are used as ammo against you, stand by the facts. Nobody can make you sign a pet agreement.
She needs your signature. NTJ” BeeYehWoo
10. AITJ For Keeping My Winnings To Myself?
“I (29f) & partner (35m) recently won a life-changing amount playing the lottery. When we got the news we did not tell anyone. We made an appointment with a solicitor and financial planner to check out the legality, taxes, etc, and to make a smart plan with the funds so we didn’t just waste it.
Partner and I were in agreement that my mother (widow) and his parents were going to get some funds. I don’t have any siblings but my husband comes from a larger family. He has 3 siblings he is extremely close with and 2 that he could not care less about due to the way they treat us.
1 week after the winnings were given to us and we had a plan in place we decided to ask said family members over to our house to inform them.
We agreed each family member would have their debts paid out, the house to a certain value purchase & a lump sum of funds. This was going to my mum, partner’s parents & all siblings.
We set the time & place and let everyone know. Unfortunately, the 2 siblings we don’t get along with didn’t bother to respond to the message we sent and told the inlaws they had no interest in coming to our house for some stupid family get-along party.
At the end of the lunch, The inlaws asked what about the other 2 who did come.
I was about to speak when my Partner clearly said all were invited, they didn’t respond to us and from what they told you I think we will rethink our offer and give nothing. If they can’t spare 2 hours of their time and give nothing but attitude then why should we help?
The inlaws flipped it!
I mean yelled directly at me and called me selfish and said this was all my doing. If I don’t give the other 2 any funds then they don’t need it either.
We ended the convo there on the note of not a worry, no funds for you and the other 2 siblings. No problems at all.
We asked them to leave as We couldn’t be bothered fighting with them. We didn’t have to share any of the winnings. I thought we were fair in what we were doing. We have now had non-stop texts and phone calls from the inlaws and the 2 siblings that didn’t show saying how horrid we are for taking away their future.
The other siblings are with us but still think if the inlaws say sorry for their behavior we should help them still.
So AITJ for not giving the other 2 siblings our lottery winnings when they didn’t want anything to do with us?
Update: How did we find out what the 2 ungrateful siblings said? In-laws overshare most things and we are always watching what we say around them & to them so it’s not really repeated or taken out of context.
Saying this now out loud makes me feel worse about the funds as this is going to be a massive problem I feel moving forward.
This situation happened almost 2 weeks ago and the phone calls and harassment have been relentless. This is what drove me to post here to make sure I honestly did the right thing.
I feel I should have not said anything about the funds.
Partner and I are off today to change our phone numbers and go no contact with the in-laws. There is still a chance that they may turn up at the house but hopefully, soon we will move and just not tell them where. We are in contact with our solicitor and advisor and they have been amazing in guiding us in the process.
The 2 ungrateful siblings are just plain jerks. The reason the inlaws are in a lot of debt is mainly due to 1 of them having major legal troubles. Hopefully, soon they will be off to jail and we won’t have to worry about them for at least 3 years.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You and your partner are seeing the true character of the in-laws and 2 siblings.
Life changes, especially money, bring out the worst in people.
Entitlement is a relationship killer because there is no such thing. None of them are entitled to a penny let alone the generosity that you have shown them. This was a GIFT, not an OBLIGATION.
The two of you are no more responsible for their futures today than you were the day before you won the lotto.
All you did was try to share your good fortune with the members of your family. Your in-laws were being manipulative then your husband changed his mind and so it backfired. It is ridiculous to blame you for his decision.
At this point, you should go no contact with the in-laws and 2 siblings. When they are ready to apologize (which includes changed behavior), then and only then, think about reconsidering the gift.
Remember, if you capitulate, they will drive you crazy with requests for funds, feel more entitled, and behave worse.” LouisV25
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your husband was the one who had finally had enough of the standoffish siblings. He’s entitled to his feelings and doesn’t have to reward bad behavior.
The irony is, who knows what would have happened if the inlaws didn’t flip out at the announcement party.
They would have received their gift and your husband may have softened on his impromptu decision to exclude two of his siblings.
Now the is a schism in the family with harsh words and bad feelings. It will feel like an insurmountable task to try to fix this.
Your announcement party was supposed to be about sharing good news and good fortune.
I’m sorry that it didn’t work out as you had imagined.” JazzyKnowsBest13
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But they are. They never had the funds or knew about it so not sure what changed in their daily lives except seeing their trashy behavior cost them potential earnings. I think it was very nice of you guys to even want to help and contribute but yeah they lost the opportunity by being entitled and arrogant.
I would be extremely grateful if someone made that offer to us even if it was $50, heck even $10 with their funds. It’s yours. You both are very smart to handle it cautiously. Be careful as now they are aware y’all have funds. Time to set clear boundaries because I suspect y’all are going to see them try to screw you out of your funds one way or they’re going to suddenly like y’all very much and swindle y’all that way thru your compassion.
Congrats and good luck!” Cobixnm
9. AITJ For Noticing The Changes In My Partner's Work Ethic?
“We’ve been together for 4 years – when we met she worked many, many hours and earned more than I did.
It was one of the reasons I liked her – she was very driven and motivated and she inspired me.
As time has gone on, she’s been reducing her hours down and over the past year, she’s had poor mental health due to family issues and has worked less than half as much as she used to.
She does manual work and had a stress-induced injury which flares up when she’s stressed.
She came through that bad time, but she’s completely lost her drive and is focussing more on ‘better mental health’ whilst only working part-time. I’ve never known anyone do this, none of my friends are doing it and she’s completely lost her work ethic.
It makes me worry if she were to be the mother to my children as she’s completely lost all drive because of her problems. I’m worried she will do this if we were to have children together, and in life, things do happen and you have to keep soldiering on.
I recently brought this up with her and she was furious and said she’s paying for half of everything and I’m not financially affected by her decision, therefore, I should encourage her to do what makes her happy.
We had a big disagreement and I still feel resentful and disappointed that she’s lost her drive and motivation. So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Your SO is burnt out which is a very real thing. She’s prioritizing her health and her safety. Just because you don’t know anyone to do this doesn’t mean it’s not something she’s allowed to do.
It’s interesting that you brought up children. Are you not expecting to step up yourself with that? Maybe it’s time you asked her if there’s anything YOU can do to help her feel better.” starbright234
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, so you’re angry that she is restructuring her life to focus on more sustainable improvements instead of burning out and physically hurting herself?
Clearly, she is not just ignoring her responsibilities, as she is still meeting her financial obligations, so you’re wondering about her being suitable to be a mother is insulting (also if she overworks herself to the grave she’s not going to be raising any kids). If you want inspiration, go read LinkedIn think pieces, don’t subject an actual person to expectations that she continues to hurt herself so you can admire her ‘work ethic’.” Wrong-Construction40
8. AITJ For Not Giving More Of My Share Of Inheritance To My Sister?
“I (35F) have 2 older sisters. My middle sister (Stephanie) died suddenly when she was 30 (she was handicapped), and my oldest sister (Susan) is 42.
My father had many affairs and left us when we were children and moved across the country with his SO.
He left my mom to take care of us and care for my handicapped sister alone. He didn’t pay all the child support he was supposed to and finances were always tight, even though he lived well because his SO (eventually his wife) was rich.
My mom raised us alone and did everything for us.
My sister was angry that my father left and blamed my mom. My middle sister and I were very good and loved my mom a lot. Susan blamed my mom for my dad leaving and blamed my handicapped sister for getting all my mom’s attention.
As Susan got older, she became very successful in finance and made a large income.
She would routinely yell at my mom that she was a terrible mom and she and I stopped talking because of the countless trashy things she would do and say. I believe she is narcissistic like my dad.
Anyway, two years before my mom passed away – Susan got upset at my mom over where to go on vacation.
She yelled that she never wanted to see her or me again. She cut ties with both of us ( I had stopped talking to her years before but would see her at birthdays). It absolutely broke my mom’s heart. She had lost her one daughter and now her oldest child said she hated her. I was all she had and I talked to her daily and saw her multiple times a week.
My mom was an amazing woman and mom and gave up everything to raise us.
After a year and a half of my sister not talking to her, my mom changed the will to give me 80% and 20% to be split by my sister and 3 grandkids. The original will was an 80% split between Susan and me and a 20% split between grandkids.
My mom got sick and died later that year. My sister was told by many people that she was sick and could be dying. She did nothing. I cared for my mom by myself.
Now here is where I could be the jerk. My sister did help me during the last 2 months of my mom’s life.
She would help me almost every day along with aids and hospice.
After my mom passed away, my wealthy sister found out that my mom changed the will and was mad that I didn’t tell her. She is telling everyone I am a jerk. I am a social worker with a small child and she lives in a million-dollar mansion with no small children.
I didn’t tell her when she was helping me that her inheritance will be way less than mine. My mom was not competent In the last 2 months and my sister never made amends with her. But she did care of her which I needed.
Should I have told her? Should I have split the money?
The money in my mom’s estate was $250k.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your sister has clearly shown that those two months were not about your mother herself, but her funds. Two months of care does not make up for the years of mistreatment and neglect your sister threw your mother’s way. She’s angry because she feels she’s entitled to just as large a slice of the pie as you when she did a fraction of the work.
The care she gave to your mother for two months, you’ve been giving to her for years. If she keeps it up, cut her off. You don’t need that kind of attitude around you or your child.
Love should not be transactional.” haelsvolgir
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The will stated what your mother wanted to be done.
What difference would it have made if your sister had been told? Many people do not tell their children what is in their wills. If you knew and kept it silent, that was your decision, and at that time, it didn’t matter; there were more important things to do and say and handle.
You weren’t obligated to tell her.
Would she have not come to help, if she knew she wasn’t getting as much funds? Was this about the money for her? If she’s blaming you for not telling her, why is she doing this? Does she think she wasted her time helping you? Was it only about the money and not the people, for her?
Those last months, you were dealing with all kinds of things, not only your own home and obligations but your mother’s health and needs and your own emotional overload. You weren’t required to remember to tell everyone everything at such a time. While dealing with so much, what the inheritance is going to be isn’t the priority for you.
You didn’t do wrong to not mention it.
Should you split the money? No. The amount doesn’t matter. Mom left it to you. Mom left some to her, too. Mom did what she wanted to do, with her funds, and she left how much she wanted to leave to the people she wanted to have it.
Honor that by making your plans the same way. Get an accountant, and make your will, and set up the money for how you want it to be handled for your child. If your sister was in need, you could set up something to help her, but she’s not.
Stop focusing on your sister’s feelings.
If you need it, get therapy to help you handle the situation. Grieve. And take care of your needs and the needs of your current family. Your sister can handle her issues, you handle yours.” blueberryyogurtcup
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Her problem with your mom was between her and your mom. She walked out of your mom’s life, and it never occurred to her that might have consequences.
She had all the time of your mother’s lifetime to decide she was interested in a relationship and stayed away.
You not only had no obligation to tell her, but your mom was also saying goodbye. Why would it even occur to you to talk that out? All it does is show what was on her mind in the 2 months she was ~hovering like a vulture~ ‘helping’.
Having said that, I would check with a lawyer if she can make a claim. Some places have laws allowing children/spouses to vary a will within reason, there’s likely not a lot for her to fight with here since she’s the one who severed the relationship as an adult and it doesn’t sound like there was mistreatment… but it’s good to know ahead of time if she can do anything, and if so, what to expect.” ISTFMM
7. AITJ For Not Letting My Brother Move In?
“I (23F) inherited my grandma’s house 4 years ago. I have no aunts or uncles, and my mother passed away, so the only other relative I have is my half-brother (29M). My grandma left my brother out of her will because at the time he had severe substance problems and granny was scared he would not use any funds responsibly (that was the same illness that killed Mum).
Granny told me at the time that if my brother recovered she expected me to share the house with him.
The house is 2 small bedrooms (1 is 100sq ft, the other is under 90, 1 bathroom, with a 150sqft kitchen/living room. When I moved in I had a lodger in one bedroom, but I found it too cramped for 2 adults to live comfortably, so I converted the second bedroom into an office.
I haven’t been able to save much funds because although I haven’t had to pay rent, the house was in a very dilapidated state and I have spent a lot on fixing the roof and plumbing and replacing stairs that had rotted through in several spots. There is still a lot more work that needs doing (eg, there is no heating and some of the windows are loose).
My brother has been in sporadic contact over the past few years, but in the last 10 months has been in contact more, he says he is in recovery and he hasn’t used any illegal stuff since the beginning of the year. He also found out he has a son (3) who he sees every weekend. Granny promised him he could move into the house with me if he got clean, and he wants to move in now.
I don’t want him to. I don’t trust him. The house will be very cramped, especially with a child as well even if that’s only 2 days a week. This is the first stability I have had in my life, it feels like my first true home, and I don’t want to lose it. I don’t want to give up my home office, and my brother expects me to take the smaller room as he will need space for a toddler bed. He is being very pushy about it because he has to leave his current accommodation by the end of November.
Because of the poor state of the house and its undesirable location, selling it and splitting the funds isn’t worth it – my brother also says he would not be happy with that option, he thinks we should live together or I should move out because I’ve already benefitted from living here 4 years already, so if anything it’s his turn.
I know that legally I don’t have to do anything, the house is in my name. But I can’t help but think how selfish I would be for denying Granny’s wishes. She was explicitly clear about what she wanted. She knew that when he got clean then he would need stability and family around him to keep him on the right path, and I’m the only person who can provide that.
I was thinking that perhaps we could do a 3-month trial to see if it works out, but I’m worried about what will happen if it doesn’t, especially if he relapses. So many times when I was younger my mum would seem to have recovered, but in the end, it took her.
AITJ if I just say no?
Update: The longest my mum ever went clean before relapsing was 3 years, so I have told my brother that if he makes it to 3.5 years clean then he can move into the house – I didn’t think the suggestion of being clean for as many years as he was using would be fair for him because he would be over 40 by then with his boy almost grown.
I have canceled the planned upcoming repairs to the house and instead, I will save up my money so that in 2.5 years I will have enough funds for a deposit on my own place when I move out. He told me that the landlord of his current accommodation says he doesn’t have to move out after all, and he will sign another 12-month lease there (the speed of that change in circumstance is suspicious to me, but I’m trying to approach this with an open mind).
During this time I and my brother plan to meet up every weekend so that we can rebuild trust and I can get to know his son better (I’ve only met my nephew once before).”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I don’t come to this verdict lightly and can sympathize with your dilemma. You do, however, have investment and stake in the home at this point.
Your grandmother left you a house in dilapidation that you put your b***d, sweat, and equity into. At that point, it’s no longer just an inheritance. You had to complete stipulations your brother didn’t. Also, you don’t really know your brother is clean. Addicts will say anything to get what they want. Not saying he isn’t, but you didn’t really say you had proof he was.
Also, if your grandma died that many years ago, I doubt she would want you bound to that word after so long. After so long of living there, you have rights, too.” Lucifers-Sister
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You can’t trust an addict to be honest about their recovery. It’s extremely common for addicts to lie about their substance use and recovery.
Your brother has a very high incentive to lie to you because his current accommodation is ending. But he should be able to find other accommodations if he makes an effort. He hasn’t made an effort.
Your brother is manipulating you with guilt. Addicts are extremely talented manipulators. Yes, Granny may have offered your brother accommodation in her house if your brother got clean.
But this isn’t your Granny’s house any longer; it’s your house. And despite your Granny’s desires, you don’t owe it to your brother to house him.
And you sure as heck shouldn’t let anyone move in who is trying to edge you out of your own bedroom before you’ve even agreed to let them move in at all.
This is just the cherry on the sundae that shows that your brother isn’t a good person, and certainly isn’t the kind of person you want living in your home.
Your brother is trying to use you. Don’t let him.” teresajs
Another User Comments:
“Wow, this is a super hard, (and well-explained) situation. I can’t really decide what you should do but I think that even if it was the wrong thing to do to not let him move in, then that still wouldn’t make you a jerk.
I was totally on your side for not letting him move in until you said the bit about him needing stability when he gets clean.
But then, granny didn’t know that he was going to have a kid and it’s a whole ‘nother step to expect you to live with a child, even if it’s just weekends or whatever.
I suppose if you look at it from your granny’s point of view, she had to leave the house to someone, who else was she going to leave it to, if not you or your brother? So, she chose you because she knows you have your life together, but she cares about your brother, so she put that proviso in so that you can take care of him too.
But she didn’t really think it through, it’s easy for her to put that responsibility on you, so that she has done her part, but you’re the one that has the stress of making it work. I’m kind of thinking out loud as I type, so maybe this doesn’t make sense… But even if you had said to her that you didn’t trust your brother and probably wouldn’t let him move in, what would she have done?
Left it to him instead? Unlikely.
Definitely NTJ either way. And if I were you, I’d feel exactly the same, it would really affect your daily life, I don’t think you should feel obliged, but I also get why not doing it would make you feel like a jerk.
Is there no other way that you can help your brother to find somewhere else to live, or with funds via the house?” Cannister7
6. AITJ For Not Wanting To Be Involved In My Brother's Divorce?
“My brother and I have never gotten along. We have very different values.
I am five years older than my brother. I work a blue-collar job, as does my husband. We have one toddler. My brother is an ‘entrepreneur’ who bounces from projects to protect. When he was twenty-three, he married his wife. I was engaged at the time, but my now husband wasn’t invited. I barely knew this woman then, so I didn’t care.
I was just there for appearances. Over the years, I have seen this woman only at family gatherings. She was never hostile to me, but we have nothing in common and never had any great interactions.
My parents told me about the divorce, and I didn’t have much of a reaction. She reached out to me and told me they have no income.
This doesn’t surprise me. She told me my brother ruined her life and she needs help financially and with childcare. I told her I was sorry, and that I was willing to have my nephews and niece visit me, but I wasn’t going to give her funds and didn’t want to continue to have a relationship with her (not that we ever really had one).
She told me that women support other women. My brother ruined her life, and I need to help her. She said a lot of stuff about gender and my family and a ton of other stuff but I, well, just don’t care. I have my own life and family. Does that make me cold? Am I a jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You’re right, you have your responsibilities to your own family.
I find it strange that she reached out to you instead of asking your parents or her family for help when you don’t have a relationship. Tell your brother that he needs to have a conversation with his ex-wife and that they need to handle their crap.
You aren’t responsible for your brother ‘ruining her life’. You had no input about their marital dynamic. That’s on both of them. Block her. If you still want a relationship with your brother’s kids, that’s up to him to facilitate. But beware of becoming his de facto babysitter.” moew4974
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You’re not responsible for her expenses, if she needs support for the children it’s up to her to chase your brother as well as to work to provide.
Usually, after divorces, people just try to remain civil for the sake of any minors that are shared, other than that providing support isn’t a right.
Like I could understand you and your parents buying every once and a while things the kids need here and there, especially as part of any celebration gifts. But her expecting you to gift her no way.” GlumPie8709
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Whether your brother ruined her life or not is not your responsibility. You did not choose to have these children. It’s on her to figure it out. There’s no reason for you to have a relationship. You offered to let your nieces and nephews stay over on occasion, which is a perfectly reasonable offer to help out a struggling person.
The fact that she rejected this offer because it wasn’t cash says a lot about her character. And women supporting women doesn’t mean women blindly financially support each other.
Frankly, I think you’re right not to get emotionally invested. This woman sounds like an emotional and financial parasite. The fact that she’s trying to guilt trip you when you barely know each other is very telling of how your relationship would continue if you were to entertain her nonsense.” Charming-Barnacle-15
5. AITJ For Not Telling My Roommate That I Like Women?
“I (20 F) started rooming with a different person last month after my friend dropped out before the semester started. We had never met before but I went into it with an open mind because I was a stranger to her as well. For sake of the story, I’ll call Bea. Bea transferred from another school to ours so because I was her first friend I helped her learn to navigate the school and make friends.
The problem began a week or two after settling in. I noticed that Bea started really clinging to me which is fine, most people are nervous when they are in a new place but it was kind of suffocating. She wanted to be around me all the time (we live in two separate bedrooms) and I found her in my room all the time.
Even when I had a female ‘friend’ over she wouldn’t let us be which I thought was because of her clingy personality. The other day I told Bea I was inviting a ‘friend’ over to hang out and she asked to tag along. I told her that it was not the type of hangout that involved clothes or more than two people.
She gasped and asked if I had ‘really been deceiving her this whole time’ I asked how I was being deceiving and she said I didn’t tell her I liked women. I told her that no one goes around screaming their gender and that if it came up naturally in convo I would have or if there was an instance of her changing in front of me I would’ve said something out of respect but none of that has happened. She hasn’t spoken to me since then.
It’s making me overthink so I need to know from others, AITJ?
Update: I tried to talk to Bea but she won’t hear it. She just seems irrationally upset about this whole thing. When she’s ready to talk we can talk but there’s really nothing I can do now.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. So very NTJ.
Whether you’re into women, men, bi or a*****l doesn’t matter. You’re her roommate and she’s not respecting your boundaries.
It sounds like she was planning to have you all to herself, whether as a resource for company because she’s socially isolated, or romantically, and your being in a relationship already gobsmacked her. She needs to reset those boundaries of hers to what’s appropriate for a roommate.
If you have to, leave her a note: ‘Just to be clear: We are roommates. We share living expenses and common areas of our living quarters. My intent is for us is to be civil and kind to each other for the purposes of sharing this living space, and to respect each other’s privacy as well.’
Good luck. You didn’t do anything wrong; you just met someone who fantasized about a closer relationship of whatever kind with a person they made up in their head.’ MmeHomebody
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Bea sounds like she’s not ready for grown-up life. Clingy and refusing to pick up on social hints points towards her being a bit immature.
‘deceiving her’ just screams that she has no idea of how the world works. Not your fault.” Iamhuntingwerewolves
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and I think you made it perfectly clear to her by your actions, I mean you are right people don’t scream HEY I AM X when meeting people. She is a roommate, nothing more so her getting upset that you did not inform her is nonsense.
You are not obligated to discuss your private life with anyone but I will say if I were her I would have known by the fact that you invited women over and not men. I mean it does not always mean you are not into guys but I would not be shocked when you said that LOL.
Also just because you are into women does not mean you are into every woman.” Scarletzoe
4. AITJ For Keeping My Grandparents Out Of My Son's Life?
“I (22f) am 6 months pregnant with my first child, the last 6 months have been hard. I have had an on-and-off relationship with my mom and her husband who we will call Tim. My mom married Tim when I was 9 and he’s been the only father figure I’ve had ever since.
I and Tim used to get along great but when I turned 10 we started to argue a lot due to differences. Tim was a very religious man whereas I was not. Despite our differences we still managed to be okay, it was like normal bickering between child and parent. I also have two siblings on my mom’s side and he has four children.
So there were 7 kids total that they were dealing with.
Fast forward to 2022, I and my family recently found out that both my mother and stepdad passed away in a horrible accident. It was devastating, I carry a lot of guilt for not getting along with them. Tim was in the military and his funeral is being hosted in the upcoming weeks.
His funeral is being held out of the state I live in so I’ve had to take off work and had plane tickets purchased as well as a conservative dress for the occasion.
The funeral is in 6 days and I received a phone call from my older sister saying that my step dads stepmom is saying I’m not allowed at the funeral because I and him didn’t get along sometimes.
I was extremely hurt, I have two siblings and Tim has four biological children. None of the family on both sides agree with this decision and think it’s cruel but there’s nothing we can do. I feel singled out, we all had issues getting along with Tim because of his strict upbringing and military background but that’s normal for any kid and parent to argue sometimes.
I feel as if I’m not welcome to grieve my step dads death and that I am the only one not being allowed to have closure. Due to the situation, I can’t say much about the decision seeing as Tim’s parents are currently overseeing the probate, and my siblings and I are worried they will withhold my mother’s belongings if I lash out.
The problem is his parents are asking about my baby, when will he be born, and when they can visit. I was confused because I think it was a weird request to make considering they don’t want me at my own parents’ funeral so I told them they were not welcome in my child’s life the same way I feel as if I am not welcome to my step dads funeral. I’m not being called the jerk because they’re two different situations but I feel like it’s not.
I will never have closure and I think it’s cruel that I’m not being allowed to the funeral so why would I want these people around my kid? AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – The two situations are related. They don’t want you at the funeral, you don’t want them in your life. What does your stepfather’s ACTUAL B***D father think?
Does he agree with his wife? Does he even know this woman has made this decision? I am confused as to why a woman who is not b***d-related to anyone in this situation gets to make any choices.
What do your stepfather’s parents have to do with your mother’s possessions? This is a genuine legal question.
Why are his parents in charge of anything to do with your mother? You and your siblings are your mother’s next of kin. Why are your mother’s adult children cut off from decisions about her belongings? Why aren’t your stepfather’s children in charge of his estate? I don’t know a lot about this legally, but that doesn’t seem right.” lostalldoubt86
Another User Comments:
“Depending on where you live, some probate attorneys will help for a percentage of what they’re able to recoup for you. Your situation is kind of up in the air but it doesn’t hurt to call and ask around! Also, NTJ. It’s totally understandable to grieve the way you need to and unjustified for them to keep you from paying your respects.
Religion is meant to teach kindness, grace, and understanding. It’s not meant to be divisive. This is not a ‘turn the other cheek’ type of situation, in my honest opinion, you have already done so much by helping to pay for the funeral, it was a slap in the face to be told not to go.
They do not have a right to a relationship with your child at all, it is entirely your decision who will be a part of your child’s life. I hope you get to pay your respects and grieve this loss in a healthy way. Best of luck with your baby! Please try to drink lots of water during this time.
Sending love your way.” Mundane_Phone_8573
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but as you say, it doesn’t make sense they want to visit you but don’t want you to come to the funeral. It makes me wonder if there has been a misunderstanding from people passing messages. Enough so that I would recommend you have a conversation with them directly to see if there is some sort of misunderstanding or some specific issue related to the funeral. It’s really hard to believe they will tell you, ‘that’s right, you are not welcome at your stepfather’s funeral but we want to come to visit you and your baby.’
If so, it would be very reasonable to respond ‘OK, I just wanted to be certain. If you don’t want me at the funeral I won’t come, but I would find it hard to welcome a visit from you in a few months’.” Alteripse
3. AITJ For Not Inviting My Future Sister-In-Law To My Wedding Party?
“My fiance (39M) and I (39F) live in Florida. He moved here to live with his dad when he was 15 and I’m from here. But he has a half-brother (30M) and his mom in a different state.
Fiance and his half-brother aren’t very close, but Fiance has invited him to be a groomsman because that’s pretty much tradition unless you hate your sibling. He’s also invited my own brother who is one of his closest friends.
On my side, I have my sister, 3 close friends, and a cousin I’d like to include.
But MIL is pushing HARD for me to include the half-brother’s wife Julie (24F) as a representation of the groom’s side. She keeps saying things like ‘she’s your future sister.’ Technically she’ll be my SIL yes but I’ve met her only a handful of times, Fiance and his brother aren’t close like I said.
And we’re so far apart in age that I doubt we have much in common.
I said no, I already had a wedding party in mind, and it was already on the larger side (5 per side). MIL is very upset and now Fiance thinks I should include her just to placate MIL because after all, it’s ‘fair’ if my brother is one of his groomsmen.
But that’s not the same thing, my brother is his close friend, and they hang out all the time. MIL has been very pushy on other parts of the wedding, though she’s backed off more lately until now. I don’t even dislike Julie, to be honest, but I resent MIL meddling and I love each and every one of my friends and love the group of them as-is.
I think Fiance is afraid she’ll pull funding. Fiance wants me to just add her in as the 6th and he’ll find some coworker or something for his side.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Does Julie know about MIL’s plans, or even want to be at your wedding party in the first place? The fact that (as far as I know) Julie has had no input on this while MIL is speaking for her feels like MIL is trying to control your wedding even further.
Plus it makes no sense for you to have basically a stranger as part of your party. If your Fiancé is really worried about MIL pulling funding, he should add Julie to his side on the day of. That way Julie is included and gets to be next to her husband.” TookishExplorer
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s 2022 and these strict gender norms are old-fashioned – why can’t your fiancé include her as a grooms woman on his own side if he wants her to be part of the wedding party? If your fiancé can’t say no to his mother, then let him put Julie on his side.
I feel like this is only a sign of nonsense to come with your MIL.
It’s probably not a great sign that your fiancé is ready to give in and do whatever she wants. You two need to figure out together how much meddling you’re going to tolerate from his mother, now and going forward, and how you’re going to deal with her. Setting the precedent that she’s allowed to dictate your choices isn’t great.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – You do not owe your MIL and you shouldn’t budge. I’m just wondering if there is any way you can recruit the SIL to help you shut it down. Like, talk to the SIL, explain the situation, and ask her to help you out. I understand this might be inappropriate or make things worse, but I can think of some situations where this might be helpful.
From your post, it sounds like you maybe don’t know your SIL to know how that conversation would go, which only reinforces your decision not to include her.
Edit: My suggestion comes from viewing this as the SIL. If my MIL tried to get me into a wedding party through guilt, I would be very unhappy and would step in to shut that down.” buildabridgeoutofher
2. AITJ For Spending More On A Gift?
“My (28F) brother’s (29M) birthday is coming up, and I wanted to get him a really cool gift since it’s his 30th. I mentioned to my husband (49M) that I was going to go shopping for a present this afternoon and he told me to keep it under $200.
I didn’t really think about it much and went to the store. I ended up finding an Xbox One X for $500. My brother has wanted one for ages and they’re hard to find, and I knew he would be so happy if I got him this. So here’s where I may be a jerk, I bought the Xbox.
I came home and showed my husband and he was pretty mad. I tried to explain my reasoning but he just cut me off and said that since he’s the one who works it’s his money and I shouldn’t have spent that much when he told me not to. I argued that it was something special and I wouldn’t do it again and that we have more than enough funds that this won’t even make a dent in our finances (which is true, he’s a doctor and makes more than we need.)
He just kept yelling about how I don’t work so I had no right to do that, which I think is a little unfair. He got pretty mean about it too.
He’s barely talking to me now and I’m just sitting on the couch, on the internet, while he occasionally glares at me. I get it’s his money and I went overboard but I knew my brother would be really excited and I wanted to see him happy.
So, am I the jerk here?
Edit: For some background info, I’m a stay-at-home mom for our kids who are too young for school, which is why I don’t have an income. He spends ridiculous amounts of funds on whatever he wants and ignores me if I question him, so he isn’t the frugal type.”
Another User Comments:
“Normally I would say everybody sucks because financial decisions should be partner decisions and you broke that rule, but his attitude is so trashy, I can’t. He’s decided you’re slave labor. That’s what it’s called when you don’t get a wage and do a 24-hour-a-day job. You are not equal in this relationship.
I suggest you start invoicing him for the cost of a live-in nanny and housekeeper. Don’t settle for a crap wage either. That, or you go get a job and have him figure out the logistics of not having you home since you have no rights unless you have an income. I would also suggest figuring out how to set aside some funds in a private account so that you are not so dependent on him.
NTJ” corgihuntress
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. But I am shocked at these other comments. In any other post, they would be saying, you’re married, it’s both your money.
If both of you have decided that you stay at home while he works and everyone agrees to this arrangement, then no, it is not only his money because he works.
These people are full of crap.
His behavior of yelling and screaming and being so disrespectful about you having no say in how funds are spent makes him a jerk.
But you also should talk through big purchases and hear each other out, not just do what you want with no regard for him, either.
You’re bound to have problems if you aren’t on the same page.” isis375
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your husband sounds like a controlling abusive jerk. I’m going to say a couple of things and I’m hoping I don’t offend you. He is 21 years older than you and a doctor. There are some men who look for much younger women who do not have an established ‘career’ to control.
Was being a stay-at-home mom your decision or did he bring it up? I mentioned it because it makes you vulnerable. You do not have your own income to spend, only ‘his money’. And he definitely sounds like he considers it his money.
He doesn’t sound like he has any respect for you in this relationship.
If you question him about spending a lot on what you consider silly items he completely ignores you. But he goes nuclear at you spending a lil extra on a 30th birthday gift? I can understand him being upset at the price if you couldn’t afford it, but you can. I don’t think I could live in a situation where I had to account for every penny I spent on another person.
I’m hoping it’s in my head but all I keep seeing is a Texas-size red flag waving in the air.” PettyWhite81
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. You committed the immediate wrong – if you had an objection to your husband’s set price limit, you should have talked to him before you bought anything, and explained why you wanted to buy a more expensive gift, and discussed it till you could come to some kind of agreement one way or the other.
Maybe you’d buy the gift. Maybe you would buy something less expensive. Maybe you would buy the gift but cut costs in some other way over the next few months to help make ends meet.
But whatever the decision, it should have been made by both of you together, not you alone by fiat when your husband didn’t find out till it was too late to change anything… and you know that very well.
You even knew it at the time. You just reeeeeallllyyy wanted to buy the expensive gift, and so you decided you didn’t care that it made you the jerk, which makes you even more of one.
Your husband is being more overall controlling about finances than I think is okay. There’s nothing wrong with what he did in this particular instance – if he keeps track of the budget, then telling you what the household can spare for this present is perfectly reasonable.
But what you’ve said about his regarding the household funds as his money and not yours because he is the one who directly brings in the paycheck (even though he couldn’t do the job he does without paying a huge amount of that income for childcare, unless you were there doing it for him) and about his buying whatever he wants without discussing it with you first are both enough to make him also a jerk in my view.
I’m a stay-at-home parent too, and my husband makes the household income. But we have a joint agreement that for anything under $200, either of us can spend on our own without asking permission. For anything more expensive than that, each of us has to run our plan by the other partner first and get their consent to buy what we want to buy.
That’s just as much true for him as it is for me.
I get just as much voice in how funds are spent and just as much respect for my labor as he does, no matter whose name is on the paychecks – because he knows that he can’t live as well as he lives now without the work that I do at home, just as I can’t live as well as I live now without the work that he does at the office.” VoyagerVII
1. AITJ For Telling My Sister To Just Walk?
“My older sister was coming back from University and she has now gotten into this new habit of riding around places in a mobility scooter if they have it. She is really overweight, but she is young and before going to college had no problem walking but now it’s weird she has just embraced being fat.
In the summer we went to Thailand and although she got winded a lot she was able to walk around.
So we were at this store called Costco and basically, it’s a pretty big store but you get really good discounts. My sister wanted to stock up on supplies for her University. At the store there weren’t any mobility scooters available so she is like oh can you get these items for me, I am going to sit in the car.
I am like no, you can walk there are only like 5 items here. She is like its bad for my knees and I already had a long day today.
I am like no if you want stuff you can get it yourself. She then is like I am not going to argue, I want to sit down.
So she goes to the car, I go to Costco and get the stuff I need, and while I am in line she then has the audacity to ask me to pick her up a chicken bake & very berry sundae. I go back to the car and I think she assumes I got what she needed. She was angry about the food, she venmoes me the funds for the supplies.
When we get back home, she realizes I didn’t get her the stuff she needs and starts cursing me out. I send her back the Venmo of the funds and she just starts yelling at me and says that I am a piece of work. I am like you can walk just fine, you never needed a scooter before.
And she then goes on to compare her weight to if she had cancer. I am like okay I am done. End of it all, she just ordered the same stuff on Amazon. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. And I am going to say this before someone comes in screaming about invisible illness, invisible disability, body shaming whatever.
First of all, under the Americans with Disabilities Act, no store is required to offer mobility aids, only that the store can accommodate them. They are provided as a courtesy only. If she needs one, she needs to purchase one for herself.
Second, if she is unable to walk to pick up the multitude of things she needed, she was RIGHT THERE.
She could have ordered curbside pickup while you were shopping. To just decide that she won’t shop without a mobility scooter and expect you to do her shopping without clearing it with you ahead of time is just rude. Plenty of people with mobility issues do this with no problem. I do it because I despise shopping and if I can just show up and have everything I need hand-delivered into my trunk without having to set foot in the store, I’ll gladly pay the few extra dollars for it.” Glass_Status_5837
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
You don’t know what changes in your sister’s health have occurred since you went to Thailand. You say she got winded but was still able to walk. Clearly, she had an issue but if she didn’t have access to a mobility scooter in Thailand she would’ve had no choice but to walk, even if she was in pain.
It’s not your job to decide what your sister’s health status is. Okay, she’s fat, but you don’t know why she’s fat, how difficult it is for her to get around, or whether she’s in pain or not. While you absolutely do have the choice whether or not to do errands for her, it’s not cool to refuse to help her because you think her health problems aren’t serious just because she’s young.
If you don’t know if there’s an underlying health issue that’s causing her to be overweight and are assuming she’s only using a mobility scooter because she’s too lazy to walk, because she could walk before without any problems that you were aware of, then maybe ask her instead of making assumptions about why she’s using a mobility aid.
People’s health isn’t fixed, and it’s entirely possible her mobility has changed since Thailand, which is why she’s using a mobility scooter now.
You don’t have to run any errands for your sister, but you can show her a modicum of empathy instead of playing armchair physician and deciding that you are better placed to judge whether or not she has valid mobility issues.” Fearless-Golf-8496
Another User Comments:
“Those scooters are there for people with legitimate medical conditions, and maybe your sister does really have bad knees, but then she needs to take it upon herself to get to a doctor and see what can be done. But I suspect a doctor would tell her that losing weight would help tremendously and she probably knows that too.
I’m not trying to slam fat people–everyone deserves to be treated with love, respect, and kindness. But I think you did just that for her by not enabling this behavior. I wonder if she is also suffering from depression. It sounds like she may need help in more ways than one. Feeding into it will do more harm than good, so NTJ.
But I do hope you have some compassion for her at the same time.” sleepy_antelope
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Your sister’s attitude is truly awful, and while I get what she was probably going for with the cancer comparison, it was particularly egregious. That being said, your attitude isn’t really any better.
Your sister told you she was in pain and your response was basically ‘I don’t care’. While it was 100% your right to say no when she asked you to get the school supplies for her, it certainly wasn’t kind. The fact that she didn’t need a scooter before doesn’t matter, she asked you to do a simple thing that would prevent her from being in more pain and cost you basically nothing.” Shandrith
