People Ask Us To Voice Our Thoughts On Their "Am I The Jerk?" Accounts
18. AITJ For "Siding" With A Husband Who Had An Affair?
“I rent out the bottom half of a duplex to a married couple. Today when I got home from work the husband was standing on his stoop and sort of waved me over.
I went over to his side (our driveways and entrances are on different sides of the house) and asked what was up. He asked if I changed the locks. I said no, and I tried my key. It didn’t work.
This freaked me out, and he said he thought his wife did it.
I asked why she would, and he said she was mad at him. I called his wife, and she picked up. She said she was at work, but she would talk to me when she got back. I said she needed to come back with the new keys right away.
She asked if her husband was there, and I said yes. She said not to let him in.
I went out and bought new locks. I entered through the basement and unlocked the door for the husband and he helped me switch out the locks.
I explained that the price of the new locks was coming out of their deposit, and he said he understood. I made copies of the keys and gave him a set and called the wife to tell her she could pick her set up from me and explained about the security deposit.
She flipped at me for letting the husband in and giving him keys. I explained that he is on the lease, and I was fulfilling a legal obligation. She said that was nonsense and I made a choice and it was a bad one. She called me out for being a woman who doesn’t support other women.
She said her husband had an affair, and I was helping him escape the consequences.
I said I couldn’t get involved in their marriage and reminded her to come pick up her keys. She called me a witch and hung up. I asked my sister for input, and she also said I was a jerk for helping out a liar.
I feel like I can’t pick sides because I have a legal and moral obligation to abide by the terms of our contract and provide both of them with access to the bottom half of the duplex. Am I the jerk for not supporting other women?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are not a marriage counselor. You are not her partner supporting her decisions. You are her landlord, and you own the house AND the locks. If he was abusive or otherwise breaking the law, you’d have been obligated to get the cops involved to remove him from the property.
An affair might be smarmy, but it’s not illegal and doesn’t out-vote your leasing agreement. You did right, and need to continue doing so, and sticking with the letter of your lease agreement if they’re both signatories to it. They need to come to you to formally remove one of them from the lease if someone is moving out and should not be given access to the property.
Also, when their lease is up, I’d non-renew both of them. Anybody who is going to change the locks on a rental property and not let their landlord know or even know why when confronted by phone is going to end up a nightmare for you somehow, sooner or later.
Let them have their drama elsewhere.” DarloxFlyer
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You own the property. By changing the locks she was not only locking out her husband, but you as well. That’s illegal. Their marital problems are not your issue. Make sure she understands that she can’t change the locks again.
I’m not a lawyer, but I’m pretty sure that what she did violated the terms of the rental agreement, and you could evict her/them if you so chose. Tell her she needs to deal with her marital issues in ways that don’t violate the rental agreement.
Leave it at that. Don’t take sides no matter how disgusted you may be with this man for having an affair on his wife. You’re legally in the right here.” ScoutBandit
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are legally obligated to give him a key since he’s on the lease.
Their marital troubles are just that: THEIR troubles. The wife should have notified you of her intent to change the locks, but even if she had, unless the husband had been arrested for violence against her and/or she had a restraining order in place, he would have been allowed to have a key.
The husband can voluntarily leave the house, and you can choose to let him out of the lease if he asks, but neither of you is required to do so. I understand the wife’s anger and wanting him out, but she cannot lock out a tenant that’s on the lease.
She may have to******* up and continue living with him for the remainder of the lease. Or she could choose to leave. Having solidarity with a woman doesn’t really apply here.” sheba71smokey32
17. AITJ For "Barging" Into The House Of My Child's Friend?
“My son (4) had a sleepover last night with a friend. This friend’s parents were doing my wife and me a huge favor, because my wife’s father had surgery yesterday, and we needed to be there and didn’t get home until after midnight. So yes, this story begins with us already in debt to them.
Anyway, at naptime today my son started freaking out because he couldn’t find sleepy Dumbo (his stuffed animal) and he cannot sleep without sleepy Dumbo.
I remembered that when I picked him up I didn’t see sleepy Dumbo. So I text the mom and dad of the friend.
I get no response. My wife is a wreck, so I’m not bothering her with this, but my son is freaking out. So I tell him we will get in the car and go get sleepy Dumbo and he slightly calmed down. So we drive over and I try to call them both on the way.
When we get there, I knock, and we wait a bit with no answer. At this point, my son starts freaking out more because he is afraid something happened to sleepy Dumbo. I try to reassure him, but he starts crying. I knock again, and the wife of the couple answers.
She says she is working and asks what I want. I explain about sleepy Dumbo.
She again says she is working, and she says she doesn’t have time to look for Dumbo and tells us to come back later. My son starts freaking out more.
I ask if we can look. She says she needs to focus. I promise to be fast. She lets me in.
We get to his friend’s room, sleepy Dumbo is on the bed. My son gets him, and I hustle us out. I thank the mom, but she is glaring at me.
On the way home he hugs sleepy Dumbo the whole time. I remind him to be more careful with sleepy Dumbo in the future, and at home, naptime commences peacefully.
About an hour ago my wife and I both got this text. I’m going to copy-paste it:
I really don’t appreciate the way OP barged into my house earlier today while I was working. I know you both have a lot going on right now but the world doesn’t revolve around you. My husband and I agreed to do you a favor but that doesn’t mean you get to just walk all over us.
In the future, if you call and we don’t answer that means it isn’t a good time to come over.
I felt very embarrassed and guilty after reading that. My wife, however, is furious. She called the wife some indelicate names. I am really grateful to them for agreeing to babysit for us, and I accept that I am to blame for forgetting sleepy Dumbo the first time.
I don’t know if asking to come in and get him is quite as big a deal as she’s making it out though, and my wife is livid. I don’t know how much of that is misplaced fear for her dad though. Am I a jerk, or was this just an unfortunate situation?”
Another User Comments:
“Yes, of course YTJ. The wife’s note summed it all up nicely, the world does not revolve around your family but you seem to think it does. Extra bad for not wanting to bother your wife but thinking it was ok to bother other people.
There are a lot of reasons why knocking on the door could have been extremely disruptive. There are jobs where what seems like a short interruption turns out to be a much longer one because it takes a while to get back into what you were doing.
Or she could have been on an important phone call or Zoom, and you made her look unfocused or unprofessional. What would you honestly have done if she worked outside the house and no one was home? Would you have driven to her workplace and loudly demanded her keys?
Taken her hostage and made her come home? Or just be a reasonable person and try to find a way to soothe your child for just one afternoon? I think you and your wife had better find a way to figure this out because I will be shocked if these people agree to do you another favor after this.” DigDugDogDun
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Everyone here who says they work from home for some big super serious corporate job has a huge stick up their butt. I’m an HR Director and worked from home in 2020 for an agency that provided caregiving to adults with disabilities, I was busy as all heck (do you know how many agencies I had to coordinate with?
And how many of them contradicted each other? Many, and all of them), but if a parent was like “dude my kid just needs this stupid toy so he will sleep please take pity on me,” I could take the amount of time that a bathroom break takes to get it from another room and give it to them.
It’s not like he was digging his way under the foundation of the house and panning for gold. I don’t even have kids, I don’t know if I really want them because they seem pretty inconvenient, but I’d still be like, “Yeah, sure.
One second” because it’s a few minutes and my dudes, it’s really good for you to detach from the screen every once in a while. Take it from your friendly neighborhood HR Director who is in charge of employee wellness! Get up. Walk around.
Stare at something that isn’t a panel of blue light. Do something helpful. Try smiling. You’ll live longer, and your colonoscopies will go much smoother in the future. Xoxo.” littlemssunshinepdx
Another User Comments:
“I’m going against the grain and saying ESH. Showing up at someone’s house without any responses to calls or texts is a jerk move, you probably should’ve waited a while longer, and you should start teaching your son to double-check to make sure he has his things before going home.
The wife should’ve just spent the 30 seconds grabbing the stuffed animal from the room instead of arguing about it, and she should probably get used to parents returning to her place to retrieve lost toys or blankets since her kid is old enough to be having sleepovers in general.” MissFlatwoodsMonster
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for not checking for sleepy Dumbo yourself when you picked him up. You reminded HIM to be more careful? He’s FOUR and just had his first sleepover. You’re the grownup. I’ll also give a small YTJ to the other mom because yes, she’s busy, but a crying toddler?
She’s got to be aware of the level of hysteria that ensues. She ate up more of her time by arguing. Read the text from you, find sleepy Dumbo, put him in a bag on the porch, and text you back. Two minutes tops. Small YTJ because I don’t know her job but that’s really the most expedient move.
I can appreciate being tired and upset and not wanting your kid to be distressed and to take the pressure off your wife so NTJ for trying to retrieve sleepy Dumbo (just love that). Send them something lovely with a heartfelt apology and sincere thanks for taking your son.
I hope FIL recovers quickly and things settle down.” ohsogreen
Another User Comments:
“Seriously, YTJ. Not a gentle YTJ, or a sorta one, but a big giant one. You sent your 4-year-old to a sleepover in the middle of the work week with a friend because you needed help.
Then you didn’t check for this super special stuffed animal that you absolutely cannot live without but absolutely won’t pay $50 for on eBay and you left it there. Then you called multiple times and when you didn’t get an answer you rang the doorbell multiple times, then didn’t take no for an answer when you were told to come back later.
I work from home. Today is Thursday, and I’m over 40 hours in already. Today alone, I interviewed several developers for open positions, had design meetings with 20+ participants, and gave two presentations to senior leadership. Just because I am physically at home doesn’t mean I am sitting around watching TV and waiting for my entitled friends to realize they’ve left their stupid stuffed animals at my house.
You owe them an apology, a gift card to a really nice dinner, and a sleepover where you take their kid and give them a break.” Bac7
16. AITJ For Making My Friend Look Like A Fool At A Party?
“If I were a shallow person, I would say I hit the jackpot. I 100% hit the jackpot but not for the reason you might think.
I met a young woman, Claire, through my sister last year. They went to college together, and they are good friends. I thought that she was incredibly beautiful when I saw her, but I was trying my best not to be the creepy older brother hitting on his little sister’s friends.
We talked a little bit, and I asked her about her work since graduating. She gave me a weird look but told me about working in the medical field. I thought it was very interesting work from the sounds of it. After they left, my dad made fun of me for not asking her out.
My sister called me last January out of the blue and said I was probably good to contact her friend and ask her out. She said she even put in a good word for me. And that I was going to need it.
So I started talking to Claire and we went out for lunch.
She is very beautiful like I said. She is also very smart and driven. She has a future all planned out. I jokingly said I was interested in being part of that future. She said my sister had already half convinced her I was a good idea.
We went out a few more times and then we made it official. It’s been over a year since we first went out, and my family loves her and my friends all think I fluked into the greatest relationship ever.
Anyways, the party. Whenever I talk about Claire I mention her work.
She studied child psychology and is working on her Master’s. See, smart. I love bragging all about how she is making the world a better place.
At the party, my friend started joking around about her being able to make big bucks as a model or something.
I told my friend he was being a jerk talking about her looks, and that he should drop it. He did not.
He even started making Beauty and the Beast comments. He was rude but never vulgar. Just rude.
He wouldn’t. Drop it. He may have been a little jealous and intoxicated. She finally went on her phone and showed him some pictures of herself in the uniform from the job she does for fun.
She is a cheerleader for a sports team. She then told him how little the job pays. She spent time explaining to him that she competed in cheer in college, and it was a hard sport, and that she only auditioned for the professional squad because they do a lot of work with children’s charities.
She said that she was tired of people like him thinking all she had to offer was her looks. He got embarrassed and left.
He called me up later and said I was a jerk for not telling him I’m with a cheerleader. I said I’m not.
I’m with Claire, a woman who is on her way to being a child psychologist. He said that I should have told him, so he wouldn’t have been such a jerk about her looks.
I don’t think it’s my place to tell people. She doesn’t tell everyone.
So he’s mad at me for not telling him. He’s upset with her for telling him so publicly. I think he was behaving like a jerk and should have dropped it when I said so.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He’s being very superficial. She mentioned how little she was paid for cheerleading (which I didn’t know) and that she only did it because of the charities the team was involved with.
This woman has hidden depths. Respect is due.” Top-Put2038
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re right, he sounds like a very shallow person and disrespectful. It sounds like he should have been put in his place sooner during the conversation. He insulted both you and your girl.
I wouldn’t worry about his hurt feelings and rather focus on finding new friends and making sure you and your girl aren’t dealing with this sort of nonsense in the future.” SirGlennith
Another User Comments:
“YTJ but not for the reason you think.
Your friend was being a jerk to you and to your girl, and you just “asked him to stop.” You didn’t defend your girl from your friend who just kept digging into her. He was making fun of her, and your reaction was to just tell him to stop.
If my friend said that, he wouldn’t be “a friend” anymore.” GunBrothersGaming
15. AITJ For Asking A Colleague To Fix My Muslim Student's Head Covering?
“I (36M) and my wife moved to our area seven years ago for my wife to pursue a job opportunity where the population happened to be exclusively white. In the last couple of years or so, we’ve had an increase in the non-white population, including the first Muslim students I’ve had since before moving here–I grew up in an ethnically diverse area, so not being surrounded by multicultural people and restaurants has been an adjustment.
I teach high school science, and my two Muslim students are cousins I’ll call Amira and Nadia (fake names). I’m not well versed in religion, since my area of expertise is sciences, but I’d like to think I have some basic knowledge of major religions.
Today, Amira was out sick, so it was just Nadia in my class. The kids were working on a worksheet while I was trying to get grading wrapped up and submitted, and when I looked up, I realized Nadia’s head covering had shifted, and the hair on her forehead was exposed. I panicked and looked away as soon as I realized. I would have asked Amira to take Nadia into the office between my classroom and my female colleague’s next door to fix it.
But without Amira there, I ended up ducking into my colleague’s classroom and disrupting her class (I waited until she acknowledged my presence and then waved her over to speak to her quietly) to ask her to please bring Nadia into the office to fix her head covering and I would keep an eye on her class.
My colleague, Mrs. Smith, asked why I couldn’t do it, and I said, “Because I’m an unrelated man.” She made a weird face at me but eventually said, “fine” and went to go get Nadia. When she came back, she was not at all polite when she said, “It’s fixed.” I thanked her and tried to brush off her attitude, and I asked Nadia to stay back a moment after class, just long enough to apologize if I embarrassed her.
She said it was fine and left.
I got home at 3:30, but at 6 pm I got a call from my principal, Mrs. Waters, outside of working hours telling me that Mrs. Smith had complained about my unprofessional conduct regarding Nadia and that I am expected to attend a meeting on Monday with her, Mrs. Smith, Nadia, and her parents to discuss what should be done about my actions.
I asked what I had done wrong; she refused to elaborate beyond “unprofessional conduct”. I told her I expected my in-building union representative to be present at the meeting, or I would not go, and she said she would email our building rep.
I feel ambushed. I don’t even know what I did wrong, and I’m not going to lie, I’m really upset and anxious right now.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“As a Muslim student, hijabi, and soon-to-be teacher, you are NOT the jerk. I appreciate how much thought you put into this and trying to respect our religion. Would I have felt awkward? Yeah probably tbh. I PERSONALLY wouldn’t have minded you letting me know or letting a female student let me know, but you never know what that individual student might have been comfortable with.
Sounds like you were trying to be discreet and respectful. I can understand the teacher feeling frustrated or annoyed with being pulled out of her classroom but not to the extent she went, especially if it only happened once. I wish she would’ve communicated with you first instead of automatically reporting it.” EnchantedEnchantix
Another User Comments:
“As someone from a Muslim background— though I’m going with NTJ because you had good intentions— I will say you overreacted. All my sisters wear hijab, and I’ve had many friends who do as well. Hijab slipping is not a big deal, not something that would traumatize and humiliate the wearer.
It happens ALL the time. The individual will eventually sense her hijab needs to be adjusted, make the necessary adjustments, and move on with her life. The right thing for you to have done in this situation was NOTHING at all. She would likely not have held it against you in any way if you continued acting as you’d normally do, even while she had her hijab malfunctioned. Even the strictest Muslims I know wouldn’t have any expectations for you to feel so much anxiety over a hijab slip, much less take such great steps to assist in fixing it.
Your heart’s in the right place, but don’t try so hard.” itsamezario
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ because you didn’t mean to be the jerk. I don’t get why you panicked and disrupted another class over this. It’s Nadia’s responsibility to deal with her own religious adherence.
What would have happened in a classroom where the teacher didn’t know this detail about the student’s religion? Probably nothing. You created a huge awkward situation unnecessarily. I know you think you were doing the right thing, but frankly, your behavior just seems weird and over the top.
Her parents may find it invasive.” coldgator
Another User Comments:
“ESH except Nadia. Everybody else overreacted to their own part in this story. Why on Earth did you panic? I’m sure Nadia is perfectly capable of fixing her own hijab in the bathroom mirror.
Why on Earth did you need to involve another teacher?” sparklybeast
Another User Comments:
“As a Muslim woman, YTJ. What kind of orientalist, paternalistic bullcrap is this disguised as “cultural sensitivity”? You didn’t need to say anything at all. You made her embarrassed about something she didn’t need to feel embarrassed about – and you made it into a huge spectacle by involving third parties as if it had been some urgent matter.
It wasn’t. Plenty of Muslim women and girls do not give a crap if their hijab is not perfectly tight and constraining every single hair. You assumed this was a problem because you assumed you knew her religion and her feelings toward it better than she does.” butyourenice
If this happens again, now you know not to freak out when you see a muslim woman's hair under her hijab and to ignore it.
14. AITJ For Kicking My Partner Out For Smoking?
“A little bit of info, I’m 19F and have been addicted to smoking since I was around 16. I recently stopped because my brother (29M) and his fiancee, my sister-in-law (27F) offered me to babysit my niece (2F) if I stayed clean. I thought it was a great deal because I was actively trying to stop smoking and was looking for a job.
I have been babysitting my niece for 4 months and have been smoke-free for 6 months, as of yesterday.
Onto the the problem. My partner (20F) is allowed over while I babysit because my brother knows her well. She still smokes, so the only rule is that she can’t smoke in/near the house or in the garden.
She’s welcome to not come over the days I babysit if this is too much, and she knows it.
However, when I put my niece outside in her stroller to sleep and came back to check on her I saw my partner standing smoking. I told her to throw it out or go home, and she said “No way I’m throwing it out; that would be a waste.” I told her she knew the rules and broke my brother’s trust. She kept on trying to argue with me, but I told her that it was my brother’s house so it was his rules, and if she didn’t leave, I would call my brother.
She called me a jerk and left. I texted my brother what happened.
A few hours after she left she sent me a text saying I was out of line to kick her out of a house I don’t even own, and she couldn’t believe I would “snitch” on her.
She hasn’t talked to me since then, and I feel bad about what I did. So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Please dump her. She didn’t respect your boundaries. She didn’t respect the boundaries of the people who own the house. She also tried to turn it around and called you the jerk for respecting boundaries.
She knew what the rules were so the consequences should not be a surprise. You also gave her a choice – put out the smoke or get out. She chose to be sent out.” the-michel-delving
Another User Comments:
“Your girl is the jerk – you were enforcing rules placed there by the homeowner, and these rules are reasonable… I would guess they are trying to protect the kiddo from second-hand smoke and/or preserve the value of the home.
This was also a choice on her part with serious consequences for you and not her – your brother may have drawn the conclusion that you were fine with breaking his rules and refused to let you babysit in the future. She put your gig at risk.
NTJ, and congratulations on being smoke-free for six months!” Dangerous_Apricot_51
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. OP, you are a person of integrity. You are considering the label of “snitch” and that’s okay but please continue to REJECT it! Your partner broke Bro and SIL’s rule.
No smoking near the baby. In or out. That’s your job to enforce just like their rules of keep her safe, keep her fed, keep her skin clean, help her sleep calmly. Do your job. Now consider that your partner wants you to be dishonest and deceptive.
She wants you to smoke and lie. You want not to smoke and not to lie. So you didn’t. Does that make it easier for you to realize she’s not loving and supportive?” Popular-Way-7152
13. AITJ For Rehoming One Of My Deceased Son's Dogs Without Telling His Partner?
“My son passed away unexpectedly. It’s been hard. Out of my three children, he was the one who remained close to me into adulthood.
I have no problem with my other two children; they just never really reach out anymore.
My son left behind two dogs. I don’t have the energy to care for two dogs. I decided to keep the older one because it requires less care. My co-worker has a soft spot for animals.
She is young and can walk the puppy and give him the care that he needs to live a happy life. I dropped the puppy off at her house on Tuesday. I felt this was a nice decision because this co-worker is trustworthy, and I can still arrange puppy playdates when I have the time.
It’s not like the dog will never be seen again by this family.
Well, when my son’s partner learned that I rehomed the dog, she was livid. She told me my son would never approve of this. She told me she was like a mother to the dog and that it would be lost without her.
She used harsh words and told me that I should have offered the dog to her first. My son’s partner has honestly been a mess since his passing, and I thought adding a puppy to the mix would just push her over the edge.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. So sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine what you’re going through. Honestly, whenever you post anything about rehoming animals, you’re gonna be the jerk. And for the most part, I would agree. But, given the context, the son sounded like he lived with you, so the girl isn’t entitled to the dog.
You initially didn’t see her as being fit to care for the dog, so you gave it to someone who you would have consistent contact with to continue being able to see you/the older dog you still have and who can give it good love and care.
You thought about the dog and, while the girl may have cared for the dog given the connection she saw with your son, at the time, she didn’t strike you as the best-fit person in the longterm for a younger pup. It’s a sad situation, obviously.
But, while I can’t say yeah, the girl wouldn’t be good for the job, you’re not a jerk for rehoming a pet to a place where ties won’t necessarily be severed (I don’t know the likelihood of the girl continuing a close relationship with you all) and where he will be given proper care.
I just don’t think so.” Dry-Ad-2732
Another User Comments:
“Nobody’s the jerk. You’re both grieving and in my opinion, while it would have been nice to consult with her instead of assuming, it would push her over the edge. Grief isn’t a good reason to take on a whole living creature in the hopes of holding on to who you lost, and she may have done that, and it may not have been the best thing for the puppy.
Talk to her, explain that it wasn’t okay that she had a go at you because you lost your son too, but you understand she’s hurting. Find something of his that you can share with her, a shirt that still smells like him, some tokens of his memory.
Ages also play a part in things, I suppose, but doesn’t change the verdict. Is she a 30-year-old partner with a stable job or is she a 17-year-old busy with school and living at home where her parents may not have wanted a puppy, etc.?” GobClob
Another User Comments:
“Nobody’s the jerk – Grief is funny. You and your son’s girl are both going through grief. It would have been considerate to offer the dog to her first because I’m sure you both want things to remind yourselves of your son.
However, she isn’t entitled to the dog. Her feelings are valid though. Just as your feelings are. I doubt you wanted to hurt her. I’d apologize for hurting her feelings because she probably felt like that dog was one of the few parts of your son left in the world.
A part she’ll no longer get to interact with.” daorealist
12. AITJ For How I Acted Around My Sick Grandparents?
“My dad is estranged from most of his family because when I was 7 he and my mom took in mom’s nephew, who is now my brother and their son. My parents had me and my two sisters.
My brother was an only kid and his “mother” was a piece of crap who treated him terribly. My brother is white. Dad is black. Mom is white. And my sisters and I are dark-skinned. But we are biracial, obviously. For some reason, Dad’s family didn’t want him taking in a white boy and they became estranged over time.
We didn’t see them for years but recently an aunt contacted me and my sisters saying my grandparents wanted to see us because they are in bad health and stuff. Dad said no to seeing them but my brother encouraged us to go.
It became clear very early on that nobody in the family had changed their minds about our brother.
They actually corrected us when we called him that the first day. So I started to make a point of saying brother instead of his name, and I made sure everyone knew that he’s the most like dad out of all us kids because it’s true, he is.
The girls and I take after mom but my brother and dad, outside of skin color, are like personality twins and even how they carry themselves is uncanny.
I knew it bothered my dad’s family, specifically the grandparents, and after a few once-a-week visits, the family called me out for bringing that up around sick old people.
I told them they should be glad I came back at all because they already disrespected our family. They say I’m acting like a kid and not a 26-year-old man. I told them they acted like kids hating a 7-year-old who needed a family and got one in us.
My sisters and I decided after the arguing to just not go back. My brother said he doesn’t want to be the reason but we assured him it’s about them, not him. That we’re a family and nobody gets to deny that or make us feel bad about it.
Some more contact was made by my extended family who said I should apologize before it’s too late and they blamed me and how I acted for the grandparents getting worse.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. My father’s mother never liked my mom because they weren’t the same religion.
For as long as I can remember, she never got her name right. My mom made the decision early on to not visit her, which was fine with my dad. We saw her only at family gatherings. As an adult, I lived close to her and used to run into her at the grocery store.
She would always ask me, “How is that woman your father married?” Every single time, I’d say, “Oh, you mean my mother, Sue? You know her name.” Some older people can be given grace because they are older and sick. Some don’t deserve it. Your brother should know that he isn’t the cause of these issues.
The grandparents are. None of you owe them anything.” GenoFlower
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s important to stand up for yourself and your family, especially when you feel that you are being disrespected or your loved ones are being treated unfairly. Here’s a way to approach the situation: “You know, they say that b***d is thicker than water, but apparently in my grandparents’ case, racism is thicker than b***d.
I guess I just couldn’t resist stirring the pot a little bit because nothing brings a family together like a good old-fashioned dose of prejudice.” It’s important to remember that ultimately, it’s not your responsibility to change other people’s views or to make them see your family in a certain way.
It’s important to stay true to yourself and to stand up for what you believe in, but it’s also important to not get dragged down by other people’s negativity and to focus on the people and things that make you happy. And if your grandparents are not ready to accept your family, it’s better to have a healthy distance from them.
You don’t have to apologize for being yourself and standing up for yourself and your family. While it’s important to have respect for others, it’s also important to have respect for yourself. And remember, your family is your first priority and you should be proud of your brother and family members.” MrTaxEvader
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. And your actions did not make your grandparents get worse. They were already getting worse, that’s why you were summoned in the first place. You went to see them, you were making an effort, but they were still jerks. If your extended family only wanted you there to play the role they scripted, they can make cardboard cutouts and do that themselves.
This is a case where you should only apologize if you have something to genuinely apologize for – and nothing in this post qualifies.” NapalmAxolotl
11. AITJ For Saying That Our Step-Siblings' Family Members Shouldn't Have Been Invited To My Brother's Party?
“My brother will be 14 in March, and my mom wanted to throw him a bigger-than-normal birthday party to make up for not having any celebration with others outside the household since 2019.
My brother was really excited and asked if our grandparents, our aunts, and cousins could be there and Mom said it was just for her side and that our grandparents would probably do their own thing with him. He asked if our stepdad’s ex-wife and her kids (two from before her time with our stepdad, and three who came after) would be there and she said of course because they’re family and they’re our stepsiblings’ bio siblings.
He said that wasn’t fair because they aren’t his family and why are we trying to include them? My mom said they are family, and we all want to get along and make sure everyone is treated just like family should. My stepdad said it would mean a lot to his kids, our stepsiblings, who are 10 and 8.
My brother said if his family couldn’t be there, then the stepsiblings didn’t get to have THEIR family at his birthday party. I said I agreed, and I told them I wouldn’t want them at mine either because they are not family to us.
Our stepsiblings were there and got upset and asked why their mom and siblings couldn’t be there.
Our mom and stepdad assured them they would be there. My brother said it wasn’t fair and said he didn’t want them there and didn’t give a crap about them. Mom was furious and yelled at them and I told her she couldn’t expect him to want them there or to have strangers there just for our stepsiblings when she literally just said we couldn’t have our family there because it was just for her side.
Mom was angry at me and told me I’m the oldest and should be responsible and not encourage him. She said blended families should be about inclusion and welcoming everyone in. I told her that she was going against what she said by excluding our dad’s family.
She told me that’s different because they no longer have anything to do with her. I told her that didn’t mean they weren’t something to do with us and that Dad’s death did not erase the loving grandparents and aunts we had on his side.
She told me I was being unfair and should not have agreed in front of my stepsiblings because now they’re upset and don’t understand why we don’t like their family.
AITJ?
The people my brother does not want at his party are not our stepsiblings.
But their mom and their siblings are from their mom. They are not related to us. It’s their dad who is married to our mom and his ex-wife and her other children with different men are nothing to do with my brother.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are absolutely right, and it’s good you stood up for your brother. The wrong thing here is that your mother is limiting this to “her side” of the family, completely excluding your deceased father’s side. She isn’t even considering inviting your grandparents, aunts, cousins, etc., despite the fact that you and your brother love them and would like them to be there.
Let’s keep in mind that the party is supposed to be for your brother. The other weird thing is for your mother to be so fond of her husband’s ex’s children, who aren’t even his children. I hope I didn’t get this wrong: your stepdad has some kids from a previous marriage (your stepsiblings), your stepdad’s ex got remarried and had additional children, those children have an active father in their life, right?
Why is your mother so desperate to include some other family’s children?! Why does she want to include the ex-wife of her husband in her child’s 14th birthday? That’s far-fetched. She needs to decide if the party is small, just a few close family members, or if this is a huge party with just about everyone, in which case your father’s side should also be invited.” esk_7140
Another User Comments:
“I’m gonna say NTJ, but can you clarify the family relations for me? So if I read this right. Your dad passed away and your mom remarried. Your mom is not inviting your dad’s side of the family (grandparents, aunts, etc.) but is inviting your Stepdad’s side of the family which includes Stepdad’s ex-wife (oddly surprised your mom is okay with the ex-wife being there but not her dead husband’s side) and several children that are not your bio siblings or step-siblings but are in fact your step siblings’, bio siblings?
Yeah NTJ, it’s your brother’s party, and he should be allowed to invite the family he wants to see there not the family your mother wants to see there.” OldGrumpGamer
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But I say there is no way you can win this.
Not unless you and your brother both threaten to just not show up. Or if they force you to go, not participate. Like walk away when the happy birthday song is sung and walk away when the cake with candles comes. That may cause a bit of trouble, but it’d get your point across.
And if asked just say, we do not wish to celebrate with people who are not family to us. Our family was excluded because the woman who planned this decided that my dead father’s family was no longer family just because he is dead. And that we ONLY had to invite her side.
That we could not celebrate with people who were actually family to us. Just because your step/half siblings have half-siblings from their mother does not make them family. It really doesn’t. Your mom is not involved in their lives nor is your stepfather because they aren’t even his kids!
Why in the world is she inviting them when they are not even related to you in any way shape or form? The step-siblings I could understand, but their half-siblings form their mom…No…Uh uh. Nope. Ain’t no way in heck that makes sense at all.” Psycuteowl
Maybe a call or text to grandparents might be in order? You could use some adult support here and I'm sure they'd oblige.
Best of luck.
10. AITJ For Embarrassing A Friend After They Kept Making Rude Remarks?
“I (25F) hosted dinner a few weeks ago at my place. Everyone was having fun and the topic of moving out and charging your adult children rent came up. I’m not American and if I’m being honest I didn’t even know this was a common thing.
I told my friends that in Brazil, this would be looked down upon and that I didn’t know a single person who paid rent to their parents. I have three grown sisters who live “at home” and no one pays a cent. I finished my speech by saying that it’s fine if they disagree with me, but I personally would never charge my children rent if I wasn’t struggling.
My friend Amy (27F) said that someone from a third-world country wouldn’t understand (?!?) and that my sisters shouldn’t freeload. I told her it wasn’t like that, my parents love to have them around, and that it’s common, if not expected, to live with your parents until you get married/find a long-time partner.
Amy replied by saying that my culture is backward. I tried not to get offended by her choice of words and said “agree to disagree.”
Back to the present: I hosted again last night and told my friends that my older sister is engaged. Amy proceeds to ask if she’s finally going to grow up now, or if mommy and daddy will pay rent for her elsewhere.
I was sick of her little comments (not the only thing she said these past weeks) and said that no, my sister is buying her own condo with my brother-in-law, and that maybe she could do the same soon if her parents didn’t charge her $1,000 + utilities every month.
This erupted into a fight and dinner was cut short. Some of my friends think I should apologize to Amy to keep peace but I don’t think I should.
Am I in the wrong here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You didn’t humiliate her, but she sure as heck tried to humiliate you, your sisters, and your entire culture.
As a Brazilian, I will never understand why Americans think it’s so bizarre to live with family after turning 18. I don’t get why splitting the bills with strangers makes you more of an adult than splitting the bills with your parents. And during a housing crisis, too!
It doesn’t make financial sense to me, to be honest, but it doesn’t have to. All I have to do is respect that different cultures work in different ways, a basic manners lesson your friend has yet to learn. And that is putting it mildly because the truth is that her comments were extremely xenophobic.” zetalb
Another User Comments:
“I would say NTJ. You are talking about a cultural norm and I can’t see anything wrong with it as long as everyone is fine with it. Amy is out of line calling things “backward” – it’s different, that’s all. I think Amy should apologize to you.
And you didn’t humiliate her. Her behavior was waaay out of line. She speaks like this, she needs to learn to take it when it comes back to her.” Initial728
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I am from America, and I find the concept of charging adult children to live at home really weird, especially if the house has been paid off.
I live in a part of the country where it is very common to have multi-generational living, and it’s considered a benefit to everyone involved. I know many people who live at home as adults, even after they have gotten married and/or had kids, and I don’t know of anyone who has been charged rent for this.
If the whole family is renting, then all the adults will help pay around, but if the parents own the house kids just live with them. The idea is generally that you’re at home with your family and you’re helping to take care of the house and as your parents get older you’re taking care of them.
I lived at home forever, and eventually took care of my mother for 5 years as she died of cancer. I’ve never had anyone say anything negative about me living at home, and no one has ever been particularly surprised because it’s so common here. Your friend is harping on about this and being really insulting and it’s fine to have put her in her place.” AdelleDeWitt
9. AITJ For Refusing To Go To Events With My Husband If He Can't Introduce Me Correctly?
It may have been funny the first time, but now it’s just annoying and degrading.
“I (F36) have been married to my husband (M38) for 10 years, and have recently had a massive career change. My first degree at university was in nursing, but I have been really struggling over the past few years with everything that happened, so I have gone back and done a degree in marine biology.
Marine biology has always always interested me, and I was so pleased to finally start enjoying my job again. I have started working for a turtle rehabilitation center, and I could not be more fulfilled.
The challenge comes in that my husband continuously introduces me as a tour guide in an aquarium.
He thinks it is very funny, and says that it is easier to explain to people. No disrespect to those who work in aquariums, but I worked so hard to go back to school and have a job that I love. I was doing the degree part-time while still working as a nurse, and my husband saw how much I struggled.
When I was nursing, my husband never used to do this. I was always introduced as a nurse, but now he just can’t/won’t get it right. People always look at me with such pity when he says, “She was a nurse, but now she works at (local aquarium).”
I have started correcting him when he introduces me to new people, which he says undermines him and makes him look like a fool in front of others. I have said he wouldn’t look like a fool if he told people what I actually do, but he says he can’t remember all the details and the fake job title is funny.
Recently I refused to go to an event with him unless he promised to introduce me correctly, and he said that I was massively overreacting. I didn’t end up going, and my husband was really frustrated especially when people who knew me at the event asked him why I hadn’t gone.
I am at an impasse, but he insists I am the one making a mountain out of a molehill. Am I being a jerk by asking him to use my actual job title? Am I overreacting to a joke?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He’s belittling you.
If he continues, I would continue correcting him -in front of him,- and if it continues happening, I’d add something like, “I’m actually a marine biologist working with turtle rehabilitation at the aquarium, but for some reason, my husband can never remember my title.
I guess it’s too long for him.” If you did add that last part, it would make you a jerk too, but I’m pretty sure the behavior would stop after that.” 10piepiek
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. There’s some serious issue there. That’s being purposely passive-aggressive.
And he is purposely doing that to denigrate you. What does he do? He’s obviously very intimidated and threatened by you. Such disrespect. You seem to have been very decent and patient. But enough is enough. Undermines HIM?! He’s freakin got a hide! Correct him clearly and loudly every time he does it.
But there is a much bigger issue here. Much bigger. I doubt he’s always been respectful. I’d say he sees himself above you on the totem pole. And when you were “just a nurse,” he felt you were clearly beneath him. Now you’re a marine biologist?
He feels threatened.” tannieth
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, and he is missing the chance to get cool cred just by associating with you. People are always going to be impressed by the idea of you being a marine biologist (just ask George Costanza!), and they will want to ask a million questions about it.
There’s a reason aquariums are so popular. If it were my spouse, I’d be bragging about your job every chance I got!” ZaphodBeeblebro42
8. AITJ For Criticizing My Partner's Baby Mama On Her Parenting Skills?
“My partner (32m) and I (35f) have been together for 1 year. I haven’t got any kids. He has a 4-year-old son who lives with his mom (my partner’s ex).
My partner fetches his son every weekend. He has recently introduced me to his son. We get along really well. He’s sweet & very talkative. I have helped raise my nieces & nephews, so I think that I am good with kids. I don’t believe in hitting kids.
We talk things through. This has been my approach with my partner’s son, too.
He is always up to something, taking things apart or pressing buttons, but that’s because he’s curious. I always speak to him calmly & have started explaining things to him. So now, he asks me questions like, “What does this do?” “What is this?” and we explore things together (less things being broken).
I recently received a call from the mother of my partner’s son, asking me to stop using all these “new age phrases” on her child. She said that my “funny things” are interfering with her parenting style. Apparently, the boy said, “Don’t shout, Mommy. Speak softly like Auntie.” He also said, “Ok.
Take a deep breath, Mommy” whenever she would raise her voice at him. At first, I told her that I wasn’t trying to interfere with her parenting style, but that that is how I deal with children. She told me to “go make my own kids and then teach them crap.” That hurt me, and I told her that maybe her parenting style needed an update.
Now, she refuses to let the child be around me. She is starting to refuse my SO access to his son because of my interference. My friend thinks that I shouldn’t have told her that her parenting needs an update & let my partner handle this instead.
I feel terrible. Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“Oh honey, not a jerk in general. Sounds like you are a fantastic human. But in the specific case of telling mom anything about her parenting methods, it’s an ESH. So….yeah, you should not have said that to her.
You haven’t changed every diaper, stayed up in the middle of the night countless times, fed him every day, or watched him grow every day. Commenting from the outside on her parenting style is just mean. We women can be so terrible to one another when it comes to parenting.
Everything is a problem, and no one is respectable when it comes to watching other people parent. It’s a sad state in society that I would urge you not to participate in. But the reality is that she’s a bit unhinged, and this custody thing is going to be a problem.
Every divorce has a custody arrangement. If she denies Dad his time with the child, he needs to bring her to court. She’ll likely bend when she realizes that it’s being brought to court, but if she doesn’t, the likely result will be that he ends up with full custody.
Courts take child estrangement and not following the divorce agreement very seriously.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“ESH. You are overstepping. She is a single parent and you are not respecting the difficulty of that. You have the support of your partner, so you don’t know what it’s like to be left on your own to manage everything and parent.
You aren’t the Judge and Jury on her parenting, and you are not a reliable source, as every partner of the dad believes him when he says his ex is crazy. Step back. If you were the person who actually does take the high road, you would have apologized before it even got to the point of telling her the mean stuff.
So we are supposed to believe you are teaching the kid peaceful living, while you say mean things and make war with his mom? You and your partner should read co-parenting books. Signed, a teacher of 13 years who does teach kids at an expert level and doesn’t ruin relationships with their moms while doing it.” FrauAmarylis
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. What you’re teaching him is how to be a decent human being and that you don’t have to yell to get what you want. Maybe you should’ve let the SO handle it but she came directly to you. Does your SO not have a custody agreement?
If not, I would highly suggest getting that ironed out so the mom cannot withhold access to the son.
All these ESH telling you that you overstepped, I don’t believe they read correctly because the mother came to you. You did not seek out the mother.
I would like to know what all these ESH people would’ve expected you to do when this woman came to you. She didn’t go to your partner; she came to you and expected you to answer and you did. Should you have told her to “upgrade your parenting style?” Probably not.
You could apologize about that, but in no way should you have said, “Let me get my partner, so he can talk for me.” That’s just nonsense.” concernedreader1982
Another User Comments:
“You should have left your man to handle this entirely. You are there to support his parenting, not to interject your own.
While I do agree with your parenting style, that doesn’t mean that you have the right to tell anyone else how to parent. That’s between his dad and his mom. I will say I think it’s funny as heck that he’s adapted the techniques and is using them on his mom.
There will come a time when you will have more of a say, and that would be if you were married to this man and officially the “step” mother. But a partner for one year? You’re overstepping, and for that, it’s more of a life lesson than an AITJ.
So I’m going with nobody’s the jerk for now.” Pronebasilisk
Another User Comments:
“ESH. You are not the jerk for the way you speak/handle the kid. You are doing a great job in that regard. However, any issues with the mother’s parenting style should be addressed by the father.
No matter what advice you offer it will not be received well because she views you as a threat. The mother is the jerk for using her child as a pawn. That is incredibly disappointing. Based on the child’s responses it also seems like she loses her temper and takes it out on the child.
But again this is something the father needs to address. If there is custody set in place, she cannot take the child away simply because her ex has a partner she does not like.” Ananas_jabuka
7. AITJ For Not Caring About Noise Complaints From Our Neighbors?
“I live in a small 2-story apartment complex, two buildings with about 20 units each, each building shares 1 parking lot.
My 4-year-old son is special needs and is at a special needs preschool that sends a bus to pick him up and drop him off every weekday at 7:15 am and 3:15 pm.
How it works is basically the driver pulls up to the side of the parking lot closest to my unit (I’m on the first floor), the driver honks the horn a few times, and I run outside with my son out of our sliding back door and get him on the bus.
In the afternoon, same deal I wait till I hear the honk and I run outside and get him off the bus.
Once or twice the driver has had to honk a second time because we weren’t ready at exactly 7:15. Also want to note we live in the Midwest and it’s freezing cold most mornings so it’s not an option to wait outside.
We’ve gotten two notes on our front door complaining about the honking, and then today a neighbor said, “That’s been your fault this whole time? I’ve been wondering who’s behind the honking” as he was walking by me this morning.
I don’t see anything wrong with this system.
My son is autistic and needs this special bus, and we’re not breaking any noise violations. I don’t see what is unreasonable about this system we have set up but we’ve had multiple complaints. My wife thinks we should ask the driver to stop honking but I have no intention of doing this.
Our son is disabled and we are perfectly within our rights to get him to school as we see fit. A few honks twice a day isn’t going to hurt anyone. She is embarrassed about the complaints and thinks we should do something differently, however, so I want to hear other points of view.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Just posing a question: your son is special needs, but the bus comes at literally the same time every day and drops him off at the same time every day? This doesn’t have to do with accommodations to your son’s needs, this has to do with your own scheduling OP.
You’re on the first floor, wait by the door/peek out a window for when the bus is pulling up morning and afternoon. Problem solved. While you say it’s not legally a noise violation, having that bus honk while most people are waking up, and again in the afternoon, is annoying.
YTJ.” lizzylou365
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – seems like it’s convenient for you to not have to be as organized, so screw the rest. Some people work nights, can have health conditions, etc. that 7:15 is too early. You know when they’re coming so wait inside the foyer or whatever if it’s really that cold, but with some sense you won’t be outside for more than a couple of minutes.
There’s no excuse in the afternoon either, get off your butt at 3:10 and walk down to meet them. You’re the adult, get up and ready for the pickup and be down waiting later.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. As a former school bus driver..
regular Ed and special Ed, this was a huge pet peeve. No matter the weather. This timing throws off the rest of the route having to wait for the parents to come outside, am or pm. Either wait outside in your car and exit the vehicle as you see the bus pull in or wait by the door and come out as the bus pulls in.
I’m sure the driver and your neighbors would be so thankful.” Magtiffy
Another User Comments:
“The UPS and Fed Ex drivers here honk when they come into our apartment’s driveway. I have a neighbor who is also disabled so her entire life is delivered to her door.
Groceries, toiletries, you name it. If it’s not UPS or Fed Ex it’s her caregiver’s car alarm being set (we live in a ground floor apartment, horseshoe parking lot/driveway – her parking spot where her caregiver parks is right in front of my living room window) and I give zero cares.
In fact, the only people that irritate me are the people commenting on her deliveries and what have you.
I imagine if you’re in an apartment complex, you have gardeners, and other humans making noise. These people getting mad that you’re not standing out in the cold waiting for the school bus can kick rocks.
NTJ.” the805chickenlady
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for the honking – it’s a brief noise for a legitimate reason at a reasonable hour. Your neighbors can deal, this is well within the realm of expected annoyances when you live in close proximity to other people.
However, if your wife is embarrassed and feels uncomfortable around/harassed by the neighbors, you need to respect her feelings and work out some other signal with the bus driver. It’s not fair to ask your wife to feel uncomfortable in her own home.
The ideal solution to that would be for the neighbors to grow up and get over it, but that’s outside your control, so swallow your pride and change what you can change, which is your own behavior.” EpiphanaeaSedai
6. AITJ For Going Off On My Son For How He Feels About His Child?
“My son has two boys ages 16m and 12m.
Their mom, my son’s first wife, died suddenly 10 years ago. My son and the boys were lost. Eight months later my son met a woman and fell very hard and fast for her. He admitted to his dad and me that he felt like everything could be perfect again.
The boys could have a mom present and he could have a wife again. We warned him that it might not be that easy but he was so happy again and appeared to have lightened after meeting her so we tried not to say too much.
His oldest son, for the sake of the post we’ll call him Cole, did not take to my son’s now second wife Emma very easily. My son and Emma married two years after his first wife died. Emma had lived with them six months prior to the wedding.
The youngest, Jamie, started to call Emma mom almost immediately but he was so little with no memories of his mom. Cole was different. He did not want to call her mom and did not like the idea of her being his second mom. He was adamant he did not want her like that.
It became especially clear during the wedding that things would not go well. My son and Emma planned a small exchange between her and the boys, meant to be a sweet moment to celebrate the joining of the family, but Cole wanted no part in it and sat out while his brother and Emma took part.
After that, we suggested to our son that everyone could do with some therapy and he listened.
It’s clear that our son has grown to resent Cole for not embracing Emma and being part of the family the way he wanted him to be. Their relationship is incredibly strained and Cole is polite but very distant with Emma.
He treats her more like he does his teachers than he does the rest of the family and it angers our son. I have seen my son visibly frustrated when Cole calls her Emma or when he talks about his mom.
A few days ago my son was ranting and raving about how Cole is a stubborn brat and how he will never be able to understand why he can’t accept Emma as a mom too.
He said that adoptive kids don’t dig in their heels this way and refuse to accept a new parent, that most are so grateful to have someone. He said it was disrespectful to him, Emma, and to Jamie. That it undermines the family they all want to have and Cole refuses to try.
Also that he wishes Cole was more like Jamie. That Jamie handled things right. That Cole is disrespectful to him as his dad by not listening and he also said he finds it hard to look at Cole and feel the same as he does for Jamie because of all this.
I reprimanded him for talking like that about Cole. I told him he needs to get over himself and accept his son, and find a way to accept that neither Cole nor Jamie’s way is inherently right and it’s about what’s right for them as individuals.
I also told him Cole can feel every bit of that anger and one day he will lose his son if HE can’t accept the truth for Cole and let go of all this frustration. My son told me I will never understand and should not speak to him like he’s a child.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You should speak to him like a child because he’s acting like one. A child wants whatever the child wants and doesn’t understand that other people sometimes want other (conflicting things). I DON’T CARE THAT YOU HAVE WORK DADDY I WANT YOU TO STAY HOME AND PLAY WITH ME!
An adult understands that each person is an individual with their own wants/needs/desires and those must be respected. The #1 most reliable way to ensure that a child NEVER has a good relationship with a step-parent is to try and force them to have one.
What your son needs to understand is that from Cole’s POV, he didn’t just lose his mom, his mom was forcibly replaced. He didn’t want another mom, and now he has one. Every time Jamie says, ‘Thanks, Mommy!’ Cole probably wants to scream ‘THAT’S NOT OUR MOM, JERK!’ And if Cole is being a brat and undermining the family your son wants to create, your son should consider that Cole never wanted to create that family, so he has no reason to support its creation.” SirEDCaLot
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. When you don’t want your parents to reprimand you as if you are still 15 years old then you should not behave and speak like a 15-year-old. Your son will, sadly, learn the hard way that words and actions have consequences. When he loses his oldest son.
Interesting that he says you do not understand. However, he seems to think he understands children who are being adopted. He must have no idea how many of them end up in therapy and have lots of trauma to work through either as children or young adults.
If he truly understood it, he would also understand that his son needs more therapy. So his son can let go of the anger and have a healthier relationship with his dad and stepmom (doesn’t mean he has to accept her as a mom; however, their current relationship is not healthy either).
And he needs to accept that his son will never have the need for another mother. He might have accepted her, had your son taken more interest and time for his oldest child when he was still grieving instead of moving on so quickly and forcing another woman as a mother onto him.
I think you worded it very well. I am afraid that if your son doesn’t start to listen, your prediction will come true.” Majestic-Moon-1986
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You were absolutely right to pull your son up the way you did, because he is destroying his family with his ridiculous and, quite frankly, damaging expectations.
In the first place, eight months is a ridiculously short amount of time to expect a child to process the loss of their mother and accept a new person in their father’s life. Your son should’ve pumped the brakes on his relationship with Emma and put Cole in therapy the minute it became apparent that he wasn’t handling this well.
However, he chose to press on and is now blaming a teenager for feelings he didn’t understand and couldn’t process properly as a young child. This is utterly cruel, selfish behavior and not the actions of a good father at all. To add insult to injury, your son has clearly made Jamie the Golden Child and I expect he is generally treated favorably over Cole.
This whole sorry situation will likely result in Cole going no/low-contact with your son the minute he turns 18, and will probably need a place to live.” ImStealingTheTowels
5. AITJ For Not Letting The Kids Watch Movies In My Home Theatre?
“I spent most of 2020 turning my basement into a world-class home theatre. I designed it, I spent the money, I spent the time.
It took a lot of effort. It’s a work of art, with a 120-inch screen, laser projector, Dolby Atmos sound system, comfy sofas, popcorn machine, and snack bar. It’s all as awesome as it sounds.
Needless to say, it’s become very popular… with family, with friends, with the kids.
People are over all the time watching TV, movies, and playing video games. It’s great — I love I’ve created something so many people can appreciate and enjoy.
While the vast majority of the time this theatre is available, I’ve made it clear there are times when I want it for myself… certain sporting events, and most certainly the Super Bowl (which is kicking off shortly).
I made it clear anyone who wants to join me is welcome. There will be popcorn, pizza, and drinks. Come on over, should be great. My wife is off doing something else, and our kids, teenagers, are off somewhere else. As it turns out, I thought I might have it all to myself, and that’s fine, but like I said, anyone was welcome to join me.
I got a call yesterday from family (my wife’s sister-in-law, who’s married to my wife’s brother, who has a couple of kids 11 and 9) asking if they could come over for it. Sure, I said, but I didn’t know you guys were sports fans… I asked if they even knew who was playing.
Yeah, she said… Philadelphia, right? The Flyers? No, the Flyers is hockey… whatever, come on over.
I thought the worst thing might be I’d be explaining football rules to people who know nothing about the game, but whatever.
They came over an hour before kickoff, and the kids ran to the theatre while I said the hellos upstairs.
By the time I came back down to watch the pre-game show, they were on the PS5 playing… and asked what movie we’d be watching.
Which led me going upstairs and discussing with the parents — what the heck is going on here? As it turns out, the parents thought they could come over, and of course, I’d hand over the theatre… and said so to their kids.
And my wife’s not even here. After all, I just want to watch the game alone; why not watch upstairs in the living room? It’s a nice big TV.
Yeah, no… if you want to watch a movie, go right ahead… the living room is indeed available, but the theatre is the Super Bowl.
Which led to a stupid argument, me being called a jerk, crying kids. I think they’ve left but I’m not sure. I am downstairs, alone, and I don’t care, but I am angry that this mood is kind of ruined. KC just won the coin toss, this is about to begin, and I’m thinking about this bullcrap instead of the game.
I texted and left a message to my wife explaining what happened but have not heard back yet.
OK, first down Flyers! That’s it for now… but feel free to explain to me who I might be the jerk in this scenario. I sincerely don’t think so.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s your house. They made some bad promises to their kids that they shouldn’t have made, because they couldn’t keep them. But in the future you may want to be more up-front with expectations: “Sure thing come on over!
I’m watching the Superbowl in the theater.” I mean, you shouldn’t have to specify that to avoid their assuming things, but you can avoid this kind of thing by over-communicating in the future. Enjoy the game. Go Flyers!” TheDilettanteYouWant
Another User Comments:
“You’re NTJ.
How oblivious does someone have to be to invite themselves over on Superbowl Sunday and then suggest you allow their kids to set up camp in your home theater watching a movie or playing video games that they can watch or play at any time?
And then suggest you’re in the wrong? Your relatives just won the entitled jerks of the week trophy.” Dittoheadforever
Another User Comments:
“They are aware that it is Superbowl Sunday, right? What did they think that a man who built himself a nice theater system in his house but lets people use it EXCEPT when he wants to watch certain sporting events would be doing?
They didn’t even ask if you were going to watch it in your theater. They just assumed that you would give it up because FaMiLy and they were kids. Jokes on them. You might want to start taking reservations for some people since they feel entitled to take over your system and relegate you to the perfectly serviceable other TV room.
And it’s too late now, but I’ll be over next year to watch the game. Your setup sounds amazing and it’s kind of you to share it. I hope that you enjoyed the game and didn’t let those entitled people spoil it. NTJ.” PanamaViejo
4. AITJ For Recommending A Midwife To A Friend Without Informing Her That They're A Man?
“I recently gave birth to my first child.
They came a little early and we had to rush to the hospital where we got assigned a midwife. A male midwife I have to add. He was honestly great. My child was somehow not positioned the right way in my womb to come out and there was the threat I would have to get a c-section.
But my midwife told me to get into a few positions like on my knees and hands to help my child turn itself and it worked! He was also very calm the whole time, compassionate, and calmed me down a lot. Meanwhile, he joked with my husband and in between delivered the baby of another woman before I was ready to deliver my child naturally.
It was overall a great experience and I have to thank my midwife a lot.
Now I am the first in my friend group to deliver my baby and there are three friends who are pregnant as well but not so far along. (All between 3rd and 7th month with their first child) When I got home from the hospital we had a little get-together after a few days to celebrate the birth of my baby.
At this occasion, I talked a lot about my experience with my friends who all were very curious about it. I also praised my midwife a lot. The thing is, I never talked about the midwife being male as there isn’t really a distinction between male and female midwives in my language and I also wasn’t paying attention as I was excited and talked about the birth, gushing over my baby in between.
I recommended the midwife as in our country midwives do their service at hospitals but often also offer their services pre and post-birth as well. A friend of mine asked for the mailing address.
Yesterday she came over and blew up at me. She made an appointment with my midwife and only realized he was male when she and her husband arrived at the appointment to talk about arrangements regarding her own delivery.
After the meeting, her husband was elated, talking about how much he liked this midwife compared to the others they had met. She had to agree on most things he brought up like availability, price, and how they clicked. Her husband also said it was a huge plus that they knew from me, that the midwife was also professional and knew what he did.
She said she still didn’t want him as her midwife. Her husband was floored and asked her why. She had to admit it was because the midwife is male. He called her sexist afterward. She then called our friends who were also expecting and they sided with her husband.
That’s why she blew up at me. Had she known that the midwife was male, she would have ruled him out right away and wouldn’t have even made an appointment.
AITJ for recommending a male midwife?”
Another User Comments:
“Nobody’s the jerk – I think most people think of midwives as all women, so it’s not surprising that she wasn’t comfortable.
Most women would like them to be another woman, obviously, it worked for you so that’s great! I’m not seeing how it’s odd that she doesn’t want a dude as her midwife. I’m surprised at the comments, it’s totally not wild to not want a man to be handling your mostly unclothed, vulnerable body, especially in front of your partner.” throwRAhelp331
Another User Comments:
“Nobody’s the jerk. Your friend is not to blame as well. Maybe she isn’t really a sexist; it’s just a matter of her comfort level. The way I understood it, she blew up after the appointment and not really in front of the midwife.
That means she was still respectful. She’s pregnant, I don’t think you, your friends, and her husband should be too hard on her and convince her deliberately that she must accept the male midwife. If she’s not really comfortable, it’s not good for her and her baby to be dreading over things like this.
Reading the NTJ comments saying that the friend is the jerk because of her reaction afterward made me want to stick to my original judgment. I think you should consider placing yourself in the situation of your friend. She had no idea that it was a male midwife which she doesn’t prefer.
However, her husband is fine with it which I guess made her conflicted and feel invalidated with her feeling of discomfort. This explains why she subsequently asked for other validation through your friends. But then again, all of you just focused on the fact that she declined because the midwife is a male, rather than on finding out why does she not want a male midwife.
In the end, your friend blew up to you. Kinda rude, but I think it’s just because she’s feeling frustrated.” nuelle27
Another User Comments:
“Those saying the friend is sexist are misogynistic, telling a woman that she must allow someone she isn’t comfortable with to see her body, shaming her into allowing it is completely disgusting.
All those people violated her right to make a choice for her body, OP. YTJ for not allowing her to make a truly informed decision and then shaming her. You have the right to choose who you want as a medical provider, you need to feel comfortable with them in order to have an open dialogue so you can have the safest and best care and now she might not get that because the environment for the care is unsafe.” Totally-Teelee
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, it’s extremely common for women to be uncomfortable with a male midwife/ob-gyn since so many of us experience violence, that IS something you mention especially since it’s also very uncommon for them to be men as well. She is absolutely NOT sexist what a horrible comment by her husband, and I’m disgusted by the friends who agreed with the husband.” MissNikitaDevan
Another User Comments:
“I mean, nobody’s the jerk because I understand where your friend is coming from. Giving birth is a very vulnerable thing and your friend doesn’t feel comfortable being around a man at that moment. Many women, especially the older ones prefer a female surgeon/doctor for female-specific issues due to the same reason.
I don’t believe that’s sexism. But she shouldn’t be going after you for this. That’s a jerk move, but she’s probably overwhelmed and she’s pregnant, not your fault though.” RiB_cool
Oh, and anyone calling friend a jerk can zip it. She is entitled to have an attendant who makes her feel comfortable when enduring childbirth, no matter whether or not her husband would like a bromance with him.
3. AITJ For Only Making An Effort To Cook For My Parents And Not My In-Laws?
“I am not a chef. I am a pretty good amateur cook though.
I own my own restaurant and have been on a couple of TV shows as a guest or contestant.
My father-in-law is a welder and he has bugged me a few times about doing women’s work. I just laugh it off but it does bug me.
I have told my wife but she tells me that he is just old school and not to be confrontational about it.
My wife’s family had a big reunion last summer, and I brought bratwursts and onions. Good, cheap food for lots of people.
This last weekend my parents came to visit and we invited the in-laws since it has been a while since we all got together.
I made beef wellington, bacon-roasted Brussels sprouts, a roasted root vegetable medley, mushroom risotto, potatoes au gratin, and asparagus.
My FIL started asking why I never cooked like this when they came by to see us. I always ordered in food or my wife made good hearty home-cooked meals.
I said that I did not want to appear feminine in front of him since he thought it was women’s work.
He said that isn’t what he meant and that if I knew how to cook like this I was belittling him by only cooking like this for my family.
After they left my wife said that I should either have cooked a less fancy meal or ordered out instead of making her dad feel like he wasn’t worth my effort.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, and tell your wife that her dad can’t have it both ways.
He can either have fun insulting both you -and her- (because he implied that you were a failure for doing something that he expected to be left to her) or he can enjoy your best cooking at his family’s events. ALSO. Did he, while disrespecting your skills, also retroactively expect you to prepare the same type of food for an entire family reunion that you could prepare for a dinner in your home?
Because that’s just dumb.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“Yeah – I just would not cook for him at all. If your wife wants to, she can. Otherwise, meet them out at a restaurant you do not own and get separate checks. Or store-bought/carry-out is fine.
Why? It always seems to create some sort of conflict or insult – this just avoids that entirely. The bigger the deal he makes, the more it results in continuously reduced time and effort. NTJ. You don’t owe him glorious meals because he’s your wife’s father, or because he’s older than you, or you make them for other people, or he has a blue-collar job and looks down on you because you don’t.
(Not cutting down anyone’s job – people work hard and have different skills/interests – that’s the point). He doesn’t get to insult your cooking abilities/profession and still eat like a king off your hard work. If you were a tailor (or very skilled at sewing suits) – I wouldn’t make him a suit, either.” timegoesbytoofast
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As has been said, FIL can’t have it both ways. “FIL, if cooking is women’s work for you, then you need to expect to miss out on all the great cooking that men can do, including mine. If you want to limit what you think is acceptable work for others to do, then do not expect them to do that work for you.
Now, if you would like to broaden your perspective and realize that women can be great welders and sports reporters while men can be great cooks and caregivers, just let us know!” For your wife – Nope, you are not going to make your world smaller or stop sharing your gifts with your family/people who appreciate your gifts so that her dad can keep his blinders on.
In fact, the way this happened to play out may have been for the best – gave her dad a glimpse of the world of people’s talents he is missing out on because he insists on putting people into his own boxes.” swillshop
2. AITJ For Bringing A Half-Eaten Pie To Dinner?
Everyone still got dessert, so what’s the problem?
“I (23F) made a blueberry pie. My mom and I both ate a slice, and I gave a slice to my grandma. I was going to my SO’s (23M) house later that day, so I texted him, “Do you want a slice of pie?” along with a picture of the pie where a piece was clearly missing.
He responded by saying, “yes” and I then said, “I’ll bring a slice for your mom and sister too.”
That night, I went over to his house with my Tupperware of pie slices. When it was time for dessert, my man pulls the Tupperware out of the fridge and says, “That’s it?
I told my mom and sister you were taking care of dessert.” He thought the slices were too small. I told him that this was what was left of the pie after my mom, my grandma, and I had some. I said since there didn’t seem to be enough, I just wouldn’t have any.
They ate their pie, and I thought that would be the end of that.
The next morning, my man and I went for a walk and he said, “I need to talk to you about the situation last night. You shouldn’t show up to someone’s house with a half-eaten pie.
It’s impolite and embarrassing.”
I was confused. First off, it was just a relaxed supper with his mom and sister. We’re 2 years into our relationship at this point; it’s not like I was coming over for the first time. Of course, if there had been other guests, I would have brought a whole pie or none at all.
Second, my SO knew very well I wouldn’t be bringing a whole pie because I texted him a picture beforehand and specifically used the word “slice!”
I responded by telling him just that, but he insisted that my actions were rude. He said something like, “Come on, don’t you know proper dinner etiquette?” I said, “Well, maybe I don’t.
I wasn’t raised like you, wealthy and having dinner parties with my parents’ friends every weekend. I hardly ever had guests at my house growing up. Also, I specifically asked you if you wanted slices of pie, and you said yes. If your mom and sister are offended or upset about this, you’re at least partially at fault.
If you weren’t really paying attention to your texts, that’s not my problem either.” He wouldn’t take any blame and stayed upset for a bit. I’m assuming his mom must have said something to him, and that’s why he was so worked up over this.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Absolutely NTJ. They should be happy you offered them. You also could’ve left the pie at home. If it was a joke like “the slices were so small, I wish there would’ve been more” it’s a different scenario, but this was straight-up rude.
They should be grateful for what they have and get. Also am I the only one who finds it strange that some people eat dessert every day? This dude reacted as if he was really mad about not having enough dessert. I don’t even have the money to buy me dessert every other day.” MysteryMelanie
Another User Comments:
“Weird reaction to free pie. I actually love these weird little posts here, relatively low stakes but really show the differences in regions, cultures, age groups, etc. I wouldn’t bring partial dessert if I were invited to a dinner that was a “thing.” But dropping by my in-laws’ for a casual meal, with people I’ve known for a while and am comfortable with, absolutely if I have leftover something they’d enjoy I’d bring it.
Do you think that he’s being weird about it on his own, or did Mom or SIL say something? It just seems like such a bizarre thing to be offended enough about that he needed to have a conversation with you about it. NTJ. Your man is weird.” Hot_Confidence_4593
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You weren’t going to a dinner party, you were bringing him and his mom and sister some leftover pie slices as a treat, which you clearly stated and even included a picture. If he misinterpreted that to mean a whole pie, that’s on him.
I can’t believe it was even an issue after you left. Is his mom usually so uptight and snobby about things? It was a casual, impromptu, and thoughtful thing you did and instead of just saying thank you and moving on with their lives, they’re choosing to make this an issue.” Farewellandadieu
1. AITJ For Telling My Husband That His Favorite Childhood Restaurant Is Terrible?
Everyone has a right to their own opinion, but did she take it too far?
“My husband (39M) and I (42F) recently passed through his hometown and so made a trip by his childhood house to show me where he grew up. He was ecstatic to find that the Chinese takeaways/fish n chip shop that his mom got for him each Friday as a kid was still open 20+ years later.
Even though we’re on a diet I decided to indulge him and go there for a nostalgia dinner. Big mistake.
After spending half an hour talking to the elderly Chinese owner about how he used to go there as a kid (without consideration for me just standing there waiting) he ordered half the menu.
Fish and chips, lemon chicken, sweet and sour pork, chicken fried rice. His excuse was that we could save leftovers for the next few days. Even though he knows we are on a diet.
When we finally got home to eat he asked me what I thought.
I’m someone who speaks how I feel (he knows this), so I was honest: it was terrible. The chips were too salty and not crispy enough, the fried rice skimped on the meat, sweet and sour pork didn’t feel authentic, among other things.
I’m confident if not for my husband’s nostalgia glasses he would say the same.
My husband is acting like I personally insulted his late mother. As if I was supposed to lie and pretend to like a disgusting meal he didn’t even make.
I stand by my comments 100% but want to know if I am the jerk here or if my husband just needs to man up a bit. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“What in the actual heck would ‘authentic’ sweet and sour pork entail, please? I’m dying here.
YTJ. How dare he spend a few minutes speaking to an old acquaintance!? How dare he want to relive good childhood memories!? You don’t have to lie, you can say something like, ‘It’s not for me, but that works out because there’s more for you to enjoy.’ It’s obviously not near enough to where you live for it to become a frequent driving option, so it’s not like being polite would result in you having to endure food you don’t like all of the time.
But hey, congratulations on giving him a crappy memory to put in the box with all of the good ones he had. By the way, ‘we’re’ only on a diet if we both choose to be (unless he’s too mentally incapacitated to choose his own food.)” bk_rokkit
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, it was obviously something he was excited about and was trying to share something important to him. You don’t have to like the food, and you don’t have to lie and tell him you liked the food, but it’s so easy to say, “Well, the food wasn’t quite to my taste, but I enjoyed our evening out, and thank you for sharing this thing that is important to you with me.” It’s not like you’re going to go to that restaurant every week.
You have to see you’re not just crapping on the food he likes (way more than necessary by the way), but his attempt to share things he loves with you as well. You can be honest without being a jerk.” freew1ll_
Another User Comments:
“”The chips were too salty and not crispy enough, fried rice skimped on the meat, sweet an sour pork didn’t feel authentic, among other things. I’m confident if not for my husband’s nostalgia glasses he would say the same.” YTJ. My favorite dish in the world is a cheese sandwich, but not any cheese sandwich, my favorite cheese sandwich is the one my grandma makes for me.
I don’t care if sometimes the bread is not toasted well or if the cheese melts too much, it will still be the same amazing grandma cheese sandwich. It’s not the food, it’s the feeling, and taking into account that even 20+ years later he still wants to eat those salty soggy chips or that not-too-great rice, it’s not because of the taste, it’s because they made him happy, and he wanted to share that happiness with you, his wife, and you took that happiness and turned it into a full-on Gordon Ramsay critic for no reason.
OP needs to learn the difference between being honest and being cruel.” KamiPatata
