People Are Urging Us To Tell Them What We Think About Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
17. AITJ For Not Writing An Apology Letter To My Son's School?
“My wife and I (late 30s), are parents to a just-turned-3-year-old boy. He is and will very likely continue to be an only child. As his parents, we are obviously biased; but we are aware of that bias and try to be as objective as possible.
It doesn’t do him or the outside world any good if we coddle, shelter, helicopter or overly favor him.
He started private preschool two months ago. He attends 4 hours per day, 4 days per week.
His terrible twos were relatively mild, and in the last few months, he settled into a pleasant, friendly, funny, and (for 3) relatively attentive disposition. The standard practice at this preschool is to do an assessment one month after the child starts school.
His came back glowing: funny, pleasant, follows directions, academically advanced, all the warm and fuzzy stuff a parent would want to hear.
This past weekend (it’s Friday now), he seemed a little off.
Not totally wild or obstinate, but not been his normal self for the past few months. We were hearing a few more ‘nos’ and a bit more agitation. At pre-school on Monday, he spilled his lunch.
His teacher asked him to clean it up, and, shockingly, he responded with ‘No. You clean it up B.’ (yes, he used the word). When the other teacher asked what he said, he repeated it.
Yikes.
The teachers told us about it, indicated it was very out of character for him, and we were very apologetic to both teachers (who are female). We talked to him about using bad words, impulses, and mood control in general, his mood improved to its normal condition and the rest of the week was incident free.
However, two days after the incident, the teachers asked us to prepare a letter to them and the administration apologizing for teaching our child the B-word.
Here’s the thing. My wife and I aren’t perfect.
We swear. We try to limit it in front of our son, but occasionally it slips out. We do not, however, ever use derogatory curse words. In the 10 years we have been together and before that for me, I do not say and I have never heard my wife say the B-word or any of the words derogatory towards color, ethnicity, LQBTQ+ status, gender, religion, or ability.
I am sure the school thinks he heard the B-word from me or my wife, but we simply do not use it. Also, he only likes cartoons, so we haven’t exposed him to anything that would have it.
I understand kids get things from all types of sources, and I want the school to understand that.
The school followed up today asking for the apology letter, but I do not feel like we owe it to them.
We have already apologized for him saying it, but do not feel the need to apologize for teaching it to him because we didn’t. WIBTJ if I refused to do the apology letter?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Write the letter but instead of it being an apology, explain that you do not recall ever using that word in front of him and have no idea how or where he learned it from (if that is what you really believe).
Take the opportunity to point out that you have never heard him use that word at home (if true) and that he could have actually picked it up at school.
Again reiterate that you are sorry that he said it, but that you will NOT be apologizing for doing something that you do not believe you actually did. Also suggest having your son apologize to the teachers, maybe with a small gift…
this can go a long way and help defuse these situations.” CreampieLuver1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Even if you did use that word around him, what world are we living in where parents now have to write apologies to schools for very typical kid behavior?
Do not write that letter.
You apologized to the teachers, your child doesn’t have ongoing behavioral problems, the end. Almost every kid has a story where they swore for the first time.
Granted, usually, it is just a general swear and not quite so pointed at a person, but it happens. If this school wants a written apology whenever a kid misbehaves, they are going to have a lot of mail to open.” mfruitfly
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The situation was already dealt with. You and your family verbally apologized and you’ve turned it into a teaching moment for your son. They have no right to demand further apology nor do they have any business prying into what language you use at home.
It sounds to me like they’re trying to cover their butts because by receiving a written confession, any further incidents can be blamed on you. If another kid says it because they may have heard your son say it, the blame falls on you.
In fact, I am willing to bet another student said it in front of their parents and they called the school to complain, so now they’re trying to blame you for it.
Make it clear to them that in the 10+ years you and your wife have been together, neither of you has ever used that word around one another and certainly not in front of your son, and the two of you have a strict handle on what media your son is exposed to and he’s certainly not learning it from Peppa Pig (or whatever his favorite cartoon is).
Tell them that you have reason to believe he learned it from school and while you do not know if it was another student or a staff member or even another parent, they should look into it to prevent it from happening again with either your son or another student.” bluecarnallove
16. AITJ For Destroying My Sister-In-Law's Beadwork?
“I (F25), an indigenous lesbian, managed to have a home that I’ll someday own completely after years of hard work and lucky breaks.
My brother (27M) and his wife (37F) moved into my home about a year and a half ago because he fell on hard times. I’ve allowed him to stay and help with bills, but just enough to ease some financial strain while also allowing him to save funds.
I loved his wife until last Halloween. She, a Caucasian woman, dressed up as an ‘Indian’ to be cute, which even my brother was appalled by. She literally put a red handprint over her mouth, a symbol of the heartwrenching MMIW (Missing and Murdered Indigenous Women) movement, and wore a cheap Spirit buckskin outfit with feathers and a buckskin headband.
My brother begged her to change, but she wouldn’t, saying ‘If it were truly that offensive it wouldn’t be sold. Y’all are just sensitive!’
We argued and she said some derogatory things about my s*******y, so I tried to kick her out.
My brother got mad at me, saying she had no place to go because her mom was on illegal stuff and she had no income, etc., but I didn’t care.
She could’ve gone back to her life before my brother. It’s not my responsibility.
But my brother threatened to leave with her, and she said, ‘Are you really going to kick your own brother out onto the streets before winter over a costume?’
Fuming, I let them stay. My brother and I are fine, but my relationship with her has been tense at best.
Anyways, I recently decided to begin beading again for some extra funds and to ground myself and pray.
I’ve been decently successful. My SIL caught onto my side hustle and asked if she could try to make and sell her own.
I immediately said no. This is a special part of my culture that’s extremely meaningful to me, and I’d be hesitant to teach some homophobic white woman who refuses to work and whom I feel obligated to keep fed and housed. This became an argument and my brother had to pull her into their room.
Yesterday, I went to see if my brother was home, and neither of them was. But in their room, I found a Tupperware container that I’d been missing FULL of MY beads, MY leather, and MY materials that I’d also thought I’d just misplaced. Under the leather was a beading project that she’d done, likely through YouTube tutorials, using again, MY materials.
She was making earrings.
I’ve never been so upset. I took my stuff back, ripped up her project, and left the destroyed project on their bed.
When they got home, she became hysterical and started yelling at me, screaming that she was making them for her mom, who had entered recovery, and that her mom was looking forward to them.
My brother was upset as well, stating that this was his ‘last straw’ with me and that I should not contact him again. Both of them began packing and left this morning.
Our family is taking his side and believes that I am the problem and that they’ve done no wrong.
AITJ?
ETA: My brother and I are indeed both indigenous, but our parents are adopted and white.
We were originally from the Pine Ridge reservation, where our mom and dad were, but my mom’s white foster parents took us in when my mother relapsed on illegal substances when I was 10.
We lived with them and got very close until I came out at age 17. Then, my adoptive parents kicked me out and I began living in Pine Ridge again with my mother.
(My dad had passed away by that point due to an irresponsible driving incident.)
From age 17 to now, I’ve lived with my mom and my people and learned to bead from my aunts.
My brother never returned to Pine Ridge and hates our biological parents, and kind of rejects his indigenousness. Our adoptive parents strangely reject indigenousness too, which I never understood considering they adopted two brown kids.
Anyways, they all arrived at my home today – my adoptive parents, my brother, and his wife. My father was furious and yelling, my mother was crying, and my brother and his wife wouldn’t speak to me.
They gave me the ultimatum – let them move back in and I teach his wife to bead in good faith or they all cut me off completely (verbally, they don’t provide me with anything).
Guess who’s now the only child to an Indigenous mother, I guess?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. change the locks. Refuse or block all phone calls. You don’t have to defend yourself from any family member at all.
I would have kicked them out last Halloween. They are users. He may be your brother but he is not your friend and is not on your side. They can go live with (mooch off) the family members who are siding with them.
Live your life, be comfortable, continue your creative side, be safe, and be happy. Don’t let them back in even for 1 night. Don’t lend anything to them/anyone. Take care of YOU.” NCKALA
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Our beadwork is sacred. We are taught we should be happy, thinking good thoughts before we pick up our beads and start putting them into place.
You get to choose who you share that with, and who you teach, and you had no reason to teach someone who already refused to be taught to respect our culture, who showed they didn’t respect our culture, even while living off you, off of your kindness.
This is not someone you want in your spaces, and not someone you want touching your beads. I am sorry this violation of your trust and space happened to you.
I am sorry it was done to you by your family, and absolutely enraged that your family is not supporting you in your defense of your space.
I know we are supposed to respect our Elders, but when those are people who can’t respect you in return, they aren’t YOUR Elders, they are just older than you.
And I am saying this as an Indigenous woman who is more than twice your age. I’d never treat one of my nieces this way.” SKerri13
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your SIL stole from you. You had the right to retrieve your property.
You should make every effort to clarify the situation to your family. Your brother & SIL chose to leave and lie about you to gain sympathy and a place to stay.
Let your family know that even though you didn’t kick them out, you’re glad your brother & SIL decided to move out. Make it a point that should they need housing in the future, your SIL will never be welcome in your home.
Explain why.” Mermaidtoo
15. AITJ For Not Helping My Coworker With Her Workload?
“I (28M) work at an online help desk for a program used by companies across the country. Users find issues or request changes and submit a ticket, and one member of our team will pick it up and resolve it.
We are 3 people in total, and I do not have any issues with 1 of my team. But then there’s the other. Let’s call her Linda.
Linda has an uncanny habit of skipping out on what is well-known by everyone to be our busiest days ahead of time.
The big project worked on this day? Linda has to take her dog to the vet. A new software update was coming out that will cause a lot of questions?
Linda’s computer isn’t working. And so on. But my boss and Linda have known each other for decades, so she gets away with it.
When she DOES work, she works at a snail’s pace and is slow to tackle any ticket that comes in (more than once she messaged me ‘when are you taking ticket #12?
They’re asking about it.’ ‘Well gee whizz Linda, once I am done with 1-11 perhaps’).
Recently, Linda has decided that she will be going to the gym daily during normal work hours, then staying late during the evening to make up for it (3 hours).
Since all of the businesses we service are standard 9-5, this is when approximately 90-95% of our tickets come in. Our boss expects us to tackle tickets as quickly as possible, so Linda is missing a large chunk of work every day, while my coworker and I (mostly me, as the desk is not his primary responsibility like it is for me) are overloaded with extra work.
One other note: I have the ticketing system linked to my phone. So I get a notification for each new ticket.
Recently, my other coworker and I are off at 5.
At 5:30, my phone starts buzzing like crazy. There are nearly 40 new tickets that came in after hours. When only Linda is working.
I start the next morning, and guess what?
Not a single one was touched. Linda shoots us both a message right at the beginning of the day.
Linda: ‘Hey! We got a TON of tickets last night. Let’s get to work gang!’
Me: ‘No? Those tickets came in during your work hours last night. They are your responsibility, not ours.’
Linda: ‘That’s really unfair, there’s way too much for me to do.’
Me: ‘I know we probably could have used some extra help during the day every day too. I’ll tell you what, you work on it for three hours. Then I’ll help with what’s left.’
My coworker thought I was being the jerk for leaving the work for her to do but wasn’t able to help because he had a bigger project to attend to.
I, on the other hand, stayed true to my word. For the first three hours, I only worked on new stuff that came in, not the old stuff from the previous evening.
All the while, the company that sent in all the tickets is getting more frustrated because Linda can’t fix anything.
Linda blames it all on me and my boss isn’t too pleased with how things are unfolding.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You do not have a Linda problem, you have a manager problem. Get your resume updated and start looking for work because even if you somehow aren’t blamed (aside from your manager favoring Linda, there could be an argument that by failing to help with the late-night tickets you are failing to conduct basic duties or committing covert industrial action), this well is already poisoned and nothing anyone does will fix it.
Bridges have now been damaged and burnt from both ends with your manager, Linda, and your other coworker. Keep a file of potential retaliation for HR but be aware that being disciplined over not helping Linda is not retaliation.
Get a new job, leave them in the lurch, let them go under without you.” Natural_Garbage7674
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. You have a coworker who didn’t do her share.
But your passive-aggressive response hurt your company and your boss is annoyed at both of you. You still think it was a good choice?
Here are a couple of far better ways to have handled it.
If you get paid by the hour, work your hours and stop worrying about whether your coworker gets paid more or less than you do. It will just make you unhappy.
Your boss will probably figure it out, though it may or may not result in an obvious payoff.
If you get paid by the job or for closing all tickets at a closing time, then for a week keep track of tickets closed by you and by her, or by dayshift and evening shift for a week and tell your boss the workload is inequitable.
Ask your boss for a reference letter as you start to look for another job. And explain why you are looking. This only works if you have caused no trouble and are their best worker.
Your boss will want to know why you are unhappy.” chinuachebe75
Another User Comments:
“Low key ‘everyone sucks here’, 5% you 45% Linda, 50% your boss, and here’s why:
5% you have an issue with Linda and in your frustration, you are taking it out on customers who need help with a business program.
This could cut into that company’s ability to operate smoothly and they’ve not done anything wrong.
45% Linda as she can’t or won’t do the job and she knows it but she won’t step aside and let them get someone who can do the job.
As a result current situation has developed.
50% your boss because he has the power to have addressed this issue long ago and chose to engage in nepotism.
Is there a way to tell when the ticket was first pulled up for review in the office because you might actually have a way to get rid of both boss and Linda at the same time?
If this issue is ongoing and every day there are untouched tickets and she is still ‘working’ 3 hours after you all go home, then clearly while she is working she isn’t doing her job which in many corporations is considered Time Theft and a very big no-no. Raise a stink with HR every time it happens.” Naskura
14. AITJ For Not Helping To Pay For My Partner's Car?
“I (19 F) have been with (24 M) for almost a year. Will call him Eric. Some context: When I was 18 I got inheritance money for the truly unfortunate cost of my dad passing when I was younger.
I chose not to attend college and instead work a full-time job. Eventually, I did spend a chunk of the money on a type of muscle car my dad loved before his passing.
As well as an apartment for myself.
Now when I started going out with Eric he loved my car and always wanted to drive it. I told him this car meant a lot to me so maybe when we’re more serious.
Eric doesn’t have a vehicle which isn’t a bad thing. So when he moved in I started letting him drive. But now he won’t let me drive that much anymore maybe once or twice a week.
Since our works are 5 minutes away and we work opposite shifts (me 9-5, him 2-9) he suggests one of my coworkers drive me home. I pay for the insurance every month which is close to $250 a month.
I started standing up for myself and he says then I need to pay for half of his car because he pays for the gas in my car. As well as starts yelling at me anytime I try to tell him I need the car to go to doctor’s appointments or I want to hang with friends in another town or do something for myself.
I bought that car as a remembrance of my Dad. His parents are about 30 minutes away from the apartment and he goes there about 5-6 times a week then proceeds to leave the gas at a quarter tank for me.
Last night we got into it again and he said ‘oh I buy all these nice gifts so you should gift me funds for my car.’ I do not ask for gifts.
I do not expect them either he just gets me them. I do not have money to help him buy a car especially half and his excuse for the last few months is ‘I didn’t have daddy’s money to buy a car with.’ My dad was killed in a car crash after an intoxicated driver hit him.
Another excuse he says is ‘I thought my parents were going to give me a car.’
Tomorrow I have a tattoo appointment that I planned months ago and he expects me to cancel it to save funds for his car.
Am I the jerk for not wanting to help him? I feel bad but I do not think this is my fault. Any idea of how to fix this?
Update: Yes he doesn’t help pay rent, he pays for some not all monthly subscriptions like Hulu, Netflix that sort of stuff.
Also when I got my car it had 18k miles in it now it’s close to 40k. I do want to say I have attempted to leave before but things got very intense and he would absolutely explode.
I’ve talked to my friend who’s going to help me through the whole process. I’ve purchased a ring doorbell, and now we’re going to go change the locks.
I wouldn’t be surprised if he somehow got a spare key made to my apartment just because he wants one if anything happens. Last night was horrific for me him throwing things, screaming, and ultimately self-destructing.
He refuses to seek any help for himself. I am done with waiting to see if he’ll change.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Kick him out of your apartment and your life.
This is the best part of your future if you stay with him. He will not get better in 2 years or if you have kids or if you marry him.
This is financial and emotional abuse. If you get out of this now, your car may last a while. He is driving it all over.
Also, part of being a car owner is paying for your own insurance, so if he isn’t paying for his part of the insurance, he needs to.
I also hope he’s paying half of the living expenses. You do not need to finance his life.” CharmingSpend3947
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and you need to get rid of him like yesterday.
He won’t ‘let’ you use his car and tells you that if you take your car back you have to pay half on a car he wants because he puts gas in yours… which he drives.
Get away from him before you waste any more money on him. Your partner thinks it’s everyone else’s responsibility to take care of him. Oh and the ‘didn’t have daddy’s money’ comment would’ve had him immediately single and homeless.
To me, there’s no coming back from the remark.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You do realize you’re being taken advantage of, right?
It’s your car. You do not have to ask for it… Just take it.
You do not have to appreciate him putting in gas when he is the one using it. You do not have to find a middle ground here or pay for his car, you do not owe him anything.
He is trying to manipulate you. He yells when you ask about the car. Next time he does that you should make sure it’s the last time because it will intensify with time.
He started slowly but now, in his head, it’s ‘his car’. Please, stand your ground.” Illbethejudgeinthat
13. AITJ For Calling Out My Entitled Sister-In-Law?
“So I (17M) live in my parents’ house. So do my brother (30M) and his wife (27F). They got married and moved in about two months ago.
Since then it has been miserable in this house for me. My parents both work full-time jobs and I go to school + a part-time job. My brother and SIL don’t work at all.
They’re both laying down all day not helping with dinner, cleaning, etc. I am the one forced to be doing everything even though I am exhausted from my busy schedule.
My parents don’t believe that they are lazy because these idiots ONLY help when they’re around, my brother is also the favorite so he is treated like royalty no matter what.
So yesterday my SIL invited her parents over to have dinner today (Friday) and wanted everything to be perfect. She kept bossing my brother around and even wanted to rent a car (with my parents’ money) because she is embarrassed by my brother’s old Nissan.
I guess she didn’t want them to see that they don’t work for anything and don’t have a Rolls Royce. Anyways I was chilling watching a show on the TV and she stood in my way.
I asked what was up and she got angry and yelled if I was going to help or just sit there like a pig. Then I looked her in the eyes and said to please stop feeling so entitled because she never does anything.
My brother heard and started cussing me out. And now my mom is mad at me and says I’ve ruined my relationship with my brother and SIL. My dad thinks it was 50/50.
I am starting to wonder if I should’ve said that at all, but it was pretty true. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Dude that is a tough situation, and your writing makes it pretty clear that you’re feeling the pressure!
Honestly, I don’t think you’re going to be able to really change the situation, at least not anytime soon. So the alternative would be to change your attitude/perspective. I think I would focus my attention on the future, and devote my time to school/work in the hopes I could get out at the earliest reasonable opportunity.
Sorry you’re dealing with this. It sucks.” randomomnsuburbia
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but you need to back this up. Keep a running tally of any and all work THEY do in the house.
Seriously make a ‘see I told you so’ list. It needs three columns. What they do, what you do, AND what ELSE you do (school, work, etc.). I’d strongly suggest seeing if you can stay at a friend’s house for a weekend and just watch the chips fall when you’re not there to clean.
Another option is just going on strike because you’re so busy with school that week that you just didn’t have time and since they don’t work, they wouldn’t mind doing the few little things you have been doing.
After all, FaMiLy. But I bet that’s the golden child and your parents are eyeballing them for grandkids… and guess who will be the babysitter when those two have their little bundle of joy?
And that WILL happen as soon as possible since they’re in the perfect spot to do it, with parents to help and a little teenage servant to be their free sitter.” maroongrad
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You work a part-time job and they don’t, and yet you come home to do household chores. Although they pretend to do them, you’re the one doing just about your fair share and theirs.
If she has guests coming over (which I don’t think would’ve been very fair for her to have guests when she isn’t maintaining the house), why does she expect other people to bend over backward for her guests?
They might be guests in the house, but they don’t order people to clean the house for her convenience. You were right to say something, and your brother needs to man up.” MiggyTennis
12. AITJ For Accidentally Locking My Brother Outside Overnight?
“I (F16) was left home alone last night.
It was a Friday night, my parents went out drinking with friends and I underestimated how late they’d come home.
My brother (M14) went to play a football game at 7:30 and I also underestimated how late he’d come home.
One thing about my brother is he NEVER has his house keys because he always just assumes I’ll be home to open the door, but I often dispute this because if you have house keys there’s no reason you shouldn’t always have them on you.
I am a very early sleeper these days, I usually sleep at 9:30 and wake up at 4 or 5, and all week I had been very busy with work, college apps, and a ton of studying and assignments so I honestly barely got any sleep since Monday.
So when Friday came around, I didn’t even make it to 11 pm, I was knocked out.
At around 2 AM I woke up and saw like 15 missed calls and texts from my parents, half of them being my dad cursing me out for being irresponsible.
There were only 2 texts from my brother, asking where I was and then telling me he was sleeping at his best friend’s house, which made me feel a bit better because this friend only lives a few houses down from us.
AITJ? I feel really awful about this mostly because of how annoyed my dad was at me. I realize I probably should have left the door open but I was watching something creepy and was a little bit scared. LOL.
Edit: I just want to add the fact that my parents did not get home until past 4 am.
Also, my mom was really sweet about it it was just my dad who was really mad.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I always carried my house key, otherwise, I’d have to wait outside until someone else got home.
If your dad is that concerned and doesn’t want to blame your brother for never bringing his house key, he can buy a lock with a keypad for your house.
They aren’t expensive and easy to install, if your brother has his phone he could even unlock it that way. You should never leave your home unlocked especially when you are a minor home alone.
Your dad is the jerk here, your bother needs to remember his key or they can find an alternative method.” thundere59
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – because not locking the door is unsafe and your brother should have his keys.
I get forgetting once but never having them?
RECOMMENDATION:
Depending on what phone you have you can set up a do not disturb after a certain time and make it so only certain people can bypass it.
Or if a person calls then calls back within a few minutes the phone deems it an urgent call and puts it through.
This can allow you to keep your call volume up but stop notification sounds coming through while you’re sleeping.
Mine is set from 8 pm-8 am. Only immediate family can call at that time if I am asleep.
You should be able to do this on most smartphones.” 4Pawbs
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you’re 16 and not an adult that should be responsible for another kid, your brother. It’s his own fault and should not be on you that he always just doesn’t feel like having his house key with him, this is a real teachable moment to look after himself than be reliant on others.
Not sure how safe your neighborhood is but leaving the house unlocked is a no-no especially when you’re only 16 and you may not know how to handle a bad situation if some stranger walked into your unlocked house.
The jerk of the story is your brother who did it to himself and your parents for leaving a 14 and 16-year-old alone and trying to pin the blame on you.
Your dad should cuss himself out instead of you since he’s not half the man he should be.” Enviest0
11. AITJ For Kicking Out A Woman From My Party?
“My husband and I live in a townhouse with a weird(?) backyard set up.
All the homes in our row have a mostly undefined backyard so that maintenance has access to mow the entire yard. However, there are tall wooden barriers/fences between each unit to distinguish the parcel of land from its units, it just doesn’t extend to the end of the backyard.
Hope that made sense. All the neighbors have an unspoken agreement not to enter each others’ ‘lots’. We have a new neighbor about 4 units down who has a daughter, J, in her 20s(?) who appears to have a disability of some kind.
I don’t really want to assume, but her cognition seems younger than she is, and she is a bit messy.
J has taken to sitting in our lot, most of the time it’s directly within the barriers so she’s a few feet away from our backyard door.
She might be singing, lying down, playing on her phone, or picking the grass. I (nicely, I swear!) introduced myself to her and her parents and asked the parents if they wouldn’t mind keeping their daughter on their lot since the grass was getting big bald patches.
They were receptive enough but essentially told me they couldn’t watch her every second and the whole backyard is safe to play in bc it’s fenced in. I saw J a little less, but she still wandered in.
Not sure if this matters, but if I had to guess, she chooses our lot because she might have a crush on my husband/thinks we’re ‘cool’?
We recently had a party at our place where we were BBQ-ing, with some guests going in and out to smoke.
J came around and kind of co-mingled with us, not actually talking, just standing with us.
I asked J if she could go home. She had a bit of a tantrum and didn’t leave.
I went to her parent’s house and told them to get her because I am having a party and we were drinking etc. Her parents asked what the harm was, and asked if she could just join us bc she wants to be with adults.
I told them no, it was inappropriate, and we can’t look after her. All of this was true, but she also made everyone uncomfortable. Parents eventually got her, she was crying.
I am trying to be compassionate, I don’t know if I was a jerk. In a way, she wasn’t doing any harm.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
This was your party on your property and she was underage with adults who were drinking.
You are not her caregiver and she wasn’t invited.
And you are absolutely correct because if she was to get hurt or something happen to her on your property, you would be liable, and saying ‘well she wasn’t invited’ wouldn’t help because allowing her to stay would be you agreeing to be responsible for her.
Going forward there needs to be something you can do in order to keep her from coming on your property because again, not even regarding the party if she were to get hurt you could be held liable.
But I don’t know what to suggest, other than if the parents refuse to keep her on their property maybe contact the police and get a restraining order. But I don’t really know.” MissSuzieSunshine
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As others have said, her disability isn’t the main issue here, it’s her trespassing into your yard and her parents refusing to monitor her, find appropriate enrichment and socialization for her.
It’s on them to look after her and not expect you and the other neighbors to look after her when she wanders into your yards because I do think that’s an aspect here.
Your party was not an appropriate place for their daughter to seek companionship and socialization, especially if there was booze and other substances meant for adults.
I am sorry for her because she does seem lonely, but that’s not for you to deal with or manage.
She also needs to learn to respect boundaries and interact appropriately. A few of the things you mentioned gave me pause because while the behaviors are innocent, I’ve seen other posts on here with similar situations where such behaviors were allowed to trespass appropriate behavior.
Is there a way for you to block off access to your yard that could stop her from entering it? Like putting some furniture or a temporary fence structure?” Substantial-Bee122
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. J’s parents need to be responsible for her. Period, end stop. If they can’t watch her every second, they need to look into a day program for adults with cognitive challenges or look into hiring help.
But that isn’t on you. If you are renting, I would escalate this to the property management people. Let them know you have an issue with the adult disabled child of another tenant trespassing into your yard, that you have spoken to the parents, and that it continues to be an issue.
If you own, you might still let the property management know since they have the easement, but put in writing to J’s parents that she cannot be in your backyard anymore for any reason and that if she shows up again, you will be forced to call a trespassing complaint on her for her protection and yours.” NerdySwampWitch40
10. AITJ For Telling My Religious Husband He's Irresponsible?
“I (42 F) am an atheist and I have a super religious husband, James (50M). We have two children, Ashley (12F) and Lucas (10M). James is christened and his family has always been very religious.
They never miss church, go to confession, etc. This has never really been a problem until a few days ago.
I always take care of bringing Ashley and Lucas to soccer practices, hockey practices, games, etc. However, Ashley’s game was at 8:00 am over an hour away and Lucas’s game was at 9:00 am an hour away from home and Ashley’s game.
Therefore, there was no possible way I could bring both of my children to their games. So, we agreed that I would bring Ashley to her game and he would bring Lucas to his game.
James always insisted that he go to church on Sundays and never went to the 4:00 one on Saturdays the church in our town offered. The church in our town offered three times, none of which James was able to attend.
However, James found a church in the town where Lucas’s game was, right after his game. James said he would go to that mass after the game.
James and Lucas got home nearly 2 hours before I expected them to come home.
Lucas was very mad and told the whole story. Apparently, James read the times wrong and left 10 minutes before the game ended to go to mass. But, he forgot about Lucas and made him wait for 1 hour.
I heard the story from James too, and he said that he got caught up in praying and then talked to the priest. I told him that this was irresponsible of him and that he should have gone to mass late, gone to a Saturday one, or at the very least not forgotten about our son!
I got to hear a lot of opinions from James’s family but I think that they are biased. AITJ?
Edit: Forgot to mention that yes, James is a catholic, and James’s family believes that religion comes before kids.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I take it James is Catholic. I come from a SUPER Catholic family. Like my parents had 7 priests (the entire diocese at that time) celebrate their wedding.
So I know hardcore Catholicism.
You’re 100% correct. He could have gone to Saturday mass. He could have arrived late. He likely could have found a Sunday Evening mass (usually at least one parish in an area will have one).
He could have left after Communion (not a great look, but technically permissible). He had multiple options that he could have exercised besides abandoning your child for 2 hours.
Quite honestly, if James’ home priest found out about this, I suspect he would be pulled aside and given a talk about how God has placed his children in his care, that this is a sacred charge, and how ordinary obligations such as weekly mass should NEVER come before his children’s safety and wellbeing.
And if you wish to, you could reach out to James’ priest and ask for the Church to counsel James in this matter since, as you are not a person of faith yourself, you are struggling to help him find the right balance.” Meemaws_BearCheese
Another User Comments:
“NTJ… your husband is though. What I find ironic, is all those that claim to be true believers, (and I do Believe in God, although I do not go to church), essentially do not follow their own beliefs.
In your husband’s case, do not forsake others, but yet, he finds that going to church and praying is more important than his own child?! So, in order for him to be one with his God, he forsakes his own minor child?!
There is something flawed in his thinking and belief.
As you said, he had many other chances to go to church other than when he did. Which makes this not only about his prayers to God but about himself.
God teaches us to think of others, ‘do unto others as you would have done unto you’, and clearly your husband is not living by his own word but only thinking of himself.” Worth-Season3645
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Someone needs to explain to your husband that it doesn’t matter how many masses he goes to, it’s the one he will wish he didn’t go to if anything happened to his child.
God will forgive you for not going to church. Especially, when you’re caring for the greatest gift God can give you. But it’s a lot harder to get forgiveness for putting a child a risk.
Especially, from yourself.” Educational-Split372
9. AITJ For Not Returning My Sister's Dog?
“My sister (26F) went out with an awful ex who hated dogs and she had a 4-year-old German Shepard mix named Ribbon. He basically told her she had to give up her dog or he would leave.
So she gave up Ribbon when they were moving in together, originally to my mom but Ribbon did not get along at all with her cats. So she then asked me to take in Ribbon.
I had a very senior dog Lady at the time that we knew Ribbon got along with so I agreed. I never assumed it was temporary and I doubt she thought so either because she ended up marrying her ex.
About 2 years after they married, her ex (predictably because he was a jerk) had an affair and they divorced. It’s been 4 years since she gave me Ribbon and she came to ask me to return him.
I was pretty shocked and told her I assumed I had permanently adopted Ribbon but she said she had intended to take him back once she convinced her ex to let her take Ribbon back but he never warmed up to the idea.
But she said now that they’ve broken up Ribbon is her dog again.
I probably would have given him back after a year but 4? Ribbon is family now and my daughter would be devastated if he just left. I told her 4 years is way too long for her to expect me to return a dog she rehomed to her, especially because she never said it was temporary.
She got mad and started ranting about all the things her ex took from her and said she was alone now because of him and Ribbon was the only thing left. I told her she should get another dog but Ribbon has been in my family too long to consider rehoming him again.
In fact, the breeder who she got Ribbon from is a family friend and would be happy to add her to his list once there are more puppies.
She yelled at me for thinking Ribbon is replaceable (but he is, she gave him up before) and called our mom to tell her to convince me to give her back her dog.
My mom called me saying she agrees that it’s been too long for her to realistically ask for her dog back but that I have my daughter and husband and she’s alone so she could use her old dog back as support.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
She gave Ribbon away. After 4 years, Ribbon’s home is with YOU. You are his family now, not her. You have spent time, money, and effort into loving and caring for Ribbon while she abandoned him for a man.
If she is serious, then she should reimburse you for all food, vet bills, and medications for the last 4 years. Plus a boarding fee. It’s $25-$50 per night in my area.
So she owes you $36500 – $73000 for boarding alone. Otherwise, the dog is your property.
If you haven’t already done so, get the dog a microchip with your information or update the registration.
Make a binder/folder with vet bills showing you are the owner just in case police become involved.” mishka1776
Another User Comments:
“I am going with ‘no jerks here’. You are in the right to keep Ribbon, but your sister isn’t thinking clearly because of the trauma she’s been through.
She’s trying to restore her life to what it was before the ex came into it. But that’ll never be possible.
Ribbon is no longer the same dog. He’s part of your family and he’s also now a senior dog.
She is also no longer the same person. She’s been through trauma that has changed who she is.
She has to make a new life. There are thousands of dogs in shelters desperate for a loving home.
Rescuing a shelter dog would be a new start for them both.” Olivia_O
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This dog is not a toy to be passed around. If it was four months, maybe.
Four years? God no. That’s way too long to have given a dog away and stayed gone to now suddenly want him back.
It’s still all about her as she gave up the dog to be with this ex.
If she didn’t indicate it was temporary, that’s her fault and if she genuinely has regrets… well, that’s the natural consequence of giving up a dog, as far as you knew, permanently for another person.
But my bet is, from the way she talks about it, that this request for a dog is all about her and feeling lonely. This sucks for her but I am sorry it’s been way too long and if Ribbon was so irreplaceable to her she shouldn’t have acted exactly like he was for several years.
Ribbon deserves someone who actually loves him and won’t toss him out for the first new guy who would demand a pet to be kicked out over him anyway.” BlueHawaii_Femme0130
8. AITJ For Keeping My Job A Secret?
“I (35F) am an accountant, specifically I handle audits for the accounting firm I’ve worked at for over 15 years. Writing has always been a passion of mine. I versed my skills by publishing thousands of fanfictions, and in the last decade have moved from that medium to throwing down romance novels for some quick bucks.
I was always anti-romance novels as a teen, my mother had the books that came monthly, tried to get me to read them, and I was admittedly ‘too good’ for her bodice rippers.
My stepmother (40F) and I had one, admittedly very negative, conversation about her books of choice when she married my father 11 years ago. (She was reading 50 Shades in Church, just sitting next to my Granny and Aunts with her smut on top of her bible.)
I live with two of my friends from college (36F, 32F), and one of their kids, in a 4/3. All 3 adults have full-time jobs, and we all split things fairly evenly.
Since 2020 (and TikTok) my book sales have skyrocketed, I went from small-scale self-published to my penname on best sellers lists, and in foreign book deals, I make more than my yearly salary at work.
Stepmother was at my house recently and insisted on using my bathroom instead of the guest bathroom, not that big of a deal, but she left the house with one of my copies of a book that had just been released that week from my bedside table.
I know it was her as she ALSO laid down the photo frame of family photos, which include my parents together and photos of my mother making her uncomfortable.
During the argument about her taking things from my house, she made a comment about how she thought it was the copy she’d bought her daughter for Christmas (a signed 1st edition from some website that way overinflated the price) and I let my foot in mouth disease take over and told her that she was an idiot for spending more than $100 on something I would have given her.
In retaliation to the fight, she called me a liar on social media and got the majority of my extended family and friends involved. I’ve not responded on there but did tell my roommates and anyone else who came directly to me with proof that yes, I write books, and they are doing okay.
So, now my friends and family are mad at me for ‘lies of omission’ about my writing career, most of them partake in the smut side of booktok and have paid for Kindle unlimited, at least one of my books if not more, the child-free roommate wants to renegotiate the terms of our splitting the bills, and family has started coming to me about money.
The thing is I talked openly about being published back when I was a ghostwriter, and then again when it was my first book, and the same people brushed me off.
We do not talk about what I do, only what my brothers and step-siblings do. My father and stepmother have spent the last fifteen years of my carrier telling people I was a part-time secretary for the accounting firm I work for anyway, (which is where I started, I run the auditing department.)
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all and looking at the way they treat you no wonder you do not share a lot of information with them. I am presuming you are a woman and your family (and friends?) routinely undervalues or downright ignores your accomplishments while playing up the activities of the men of the family.
Despicable. You weren’t hiding anything, you mentioned your writing early on and were ignored. If you didn’t tell them anything else, they have only themselves to blame. Please tell them so and tell them the subject is closed unless they want to ask in a respectful manner.
You do not owe them anything.” Crazy_Life61
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all. You tried telling your friends and family about some of your writing and they weren’t interested, it’s wild that they’re accusing you of hiding things for not discussing things they made clear they had no interest in.
Are you also keeping secrets if you do not tell them about the new photocopier at work or the new bread you tried?
Your friends and family are out of line, and the roommate who wants to revisit housing costs is completely out of line.
Unless you’re in a committed romantic relationship, rent is proportional to your space for private usage, not your income.” Primary-Friend-7615
Another User Comments:
“Now I just want to read your books… On kindle (I do not have unlimited).
Because now I am curious but also so you even have more income on your books to make a comeback toward them.
It’s nobody’s business what you do and how successful it is.
And when they’re not supportive of you while it was ‘just a silly hobby’, it’s absolutely not strange that you do not feel a need to share this milestone with them.
And paying more rent just because you made some more money? Nah, splitting rent with roommates/friends is based on how much space you use or the number of people living there.
Not the amount of money someone makes (you can do this in a relationship, but not with roomies). Maybe you can use the money towards a downpayment for a house?” haasje83
7. AITJ For Not Telling A Woman How Her Son Is Doing?
“My (29f) little brother has been best friends with Ryan (both 18) since they were 7. They’re very close and I’ve even babysat them both a couple of times before they were old enough to be on their own.
Ryan was kicked out by his parents (for reasons I won’t be stating) and had nowhere to go. My brother asked me and my husband if Ryan could stay with us and after some discussion, we said yes.
We have a massive house, more than enough money, and Ryan’s practically my little brother as well.
We do not have any actual rules for Ryan just the usual be nice to our kids, do not make too much of a mess, etc and no we aren’t going to make him pay rent or anything.
It’s only been a couple of weeks but it’s been great.
I was out at our local grocery store and getting some snacks for everyone. I was with my brother and Ryan.
The two walk off and the second they do, Ryan’s mother approached me. I was shocked but remained polite. She asked me if Ryan was staying with me, and I said yes.
She then tried asking me more questions but I refused to answer. Just told her that I do not feel comfortable sharing since this is private information and she has no right to know considering 1.
Ryan’s an adult and 2. She kicked him out.
She got really frustrated and said that she didn’t want to kick him out but her husband has the final say and if Ryan listened to her and wasn’t a little jerk then this would’ve never happened. I just rolled my eyes and said ‘Still not telling, talk to Ryan – or don’t, I do not care.’
She called me a witch who won’t understand before walking off. My mom called me sometime later and yelled at me for being rude because his mom called her and told her everything.
She said I better apologize and tell the poor woman everything. I just said whatever but I am curious, AITJ for not telling his mom anything?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
That was a very kind thing you did. Allowing that poor boy to come to stay in a safe environment with people he trusts.
Telling his parents anything would destroy that trust between Ryan and you.
Obviously, he needs good, caring people in his corner.
You are correct, he’s an adult… so are his parents. If they want to know about their son, they need to grow up and reach out to him.
It’s his choice if he wants to share information with them, and no one else’s.
His mother chose to stand by/behind her husband, she can reap the consequences of what she sowed.
Your mother also has no say in the situation and should be reminded that:
- It’s none of her business, it’s between Ryan and his parents
- What she’s asking/demanding you do would breach the trust between Ryan and you
- You weren’t rude to Ryan’s mother, you simply explained the truth of the situation and you’re disappointed with how little your mother thinks of you and your character
Stay strong, and continue to be the good ‘big sister’ you are.” Major-Astronomer7529
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You were in the right. You did not have to tell Ryan’s mom anything.
She doesn’t want to face up to her son. She came out and said she let her husband kick Ryan out, and she wouldn’t go talk to Ryan.
I would bet she didn’t tell your mom everything, just the stuff that made her look good.
Tell your mom your side of the story. Also, tell her that Ryan is an adult and you did not feel it was your place to share things without his permission.
Add that his mom and dad can act like adults and contact him directly if they want answers to their questions.” Sea-Confection-2627
Another User Comment:
“NTJ. She’s trying to check on him like he’s a child while supporting her husband treating him like he’s an adult.
If she wants to know how he is then she needs to get in contact with him herself. I am guessing their family life is bad since father dearest seems to be the lawmaker and kicked his teenage son out of the house without her complaining.
She’s lying to her son, her husband, and herself. Unfortunately, you’re already in the middle of it, but it sounds like you’re sticking up for Ryan in the least obtrusive way possible.
Do not back down, let Ryan know that his mother is trying to ‘check’ on him without letting his father know, and (if appropriate) try to have a conversation about how parents should love and stick up for their children even against the other parent/their spouse.” Natural_Garbage7674
6. AITJ For Kicking My Nephew Out Of My House?
“My (f30) sister (f39) has cancer. She’s a single mom of her 16-year-old son. We were asked to take him in while she gets treated so we could help him focus on studying and provide a normal routine for him.
My husband has asthma. He needs his inhaler throughout the day. Thing is, my nephew is a prankster. He’d hide the inhaler as a prank then give it back as soon as there’s panic in the house.
So far he’s done it 2 times and thought it was just him ‘messing around’.
The other day, my husband called me while I was at work panicking saying his inhaler was lost. I asked if my nephew had taken it as a prank, but he doubted it since my nephew would give it back instantly after we panicked. I got home and we looked for it for hours and had to go to the hospital eventually.
When we got back, we found it sitting at the coffee table. My husband and I looked at each other and the next thing we knew my nephew was giggling upstairs.
At that moment, I just lost it. I yelled at him and then told him he was no longer welcome in my home. He started panicking and my parents called me to get to the bottom of what happened, but still defended him saying it was a prank and that I took things too far by kicking him out while his mom is struggling.
They insisted I take him back but I refused. Now they’re giving me trouble about being unsupportive and making things more difficult for my struggling sister. They even blamed my husband for not keeping his ‘things locked away’.
AITJ. Did I make a hasty decision?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Time to go back at your parents with ‘Are you going to support me when I have to bury my husband who couldn’t find an inhaler due to a prank’.
It’s an extreme but very true and the real end result of this type of prank. Your nephew knew what he was doing since he is 16 (2 years from being an adult).
He needs to learn the consequences now and I am sorry that his mom and your sister are going through cancer but that doesn’t excuse the son’s behavior. Also, suggest your parents take him in since you can’t risk your husband’s health with actions that have happened multiple times.
Keep standing up for your husband, this is an absolute hill to die on. Glad your husband is okay now.” CapsFan1066
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
This was a ‘prank’ that sent your husband to the hospital. I’d send the bill to your parents if they think it’s just a simple, innocent prank.
See if they’ll be willing to cough up the money because your nephew thinks it’s funny to hide medication and cause a medical emergency.
When are these ‘pranks’ going to stop?
When your husband collapses? When he requires surgery?
If your parents keep complaining, tell them how grateful you are that they’re volunteering to let nephew stay with them. That they’re very gracious in paying the hospital bills.
You can bet they’ll protest against the very notion.
Your nephew needs to learn limits before he ends up killing someone because ‘It’s just a prank.'” Shifting2Wolf
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your nephew could have killed your husband. That is not a prank. There is no reason to keep a medical device that might be needed urgently locked away, especially as he’s 16, not 2.
Tell your parents that you could press charges plus ask for reimbursement for the ER bill. (depending on where you live.)
If you do not believe your nephew acted maliciously, it might be good to sit down with him and explain how serious his actions were.
You can’t trust him right now, so he cannot be in your home. Once lost, trust has to be earned back.” Antique-Cry-5024
5. AITJ For Not Letting My Sister Contact Her Children?
“I (M23) have never been close to my sister (26). I have an identical twin brother who I am very close to and she used to feel left out when we were young.
We feel she resents us for being so close but it’s not really our fault.
She had triplets (3 boys) 5 years ago through a one-night stand. She never told us who the father was and we doubt she told him he has children.
He isn’t named on the birth certificate.
I tried to help out as much as I could but she kept refusing and stopped me from seeing the boys.
I now have a little boy who’s one.
I am a single father as his mother died not long after he was born.
I was contacted by cps telling me that my sister has given up her parental rights and requested me as the boys’ legal guardian.
I was told that there have been lots of issues and allegations have been made against her due to the care of the boys.
I have now had the boys for 6 months and she wants to have contact with them.
I have said no because when I mention their mum they get very upset and it takes me ages to calm them down. They get very clingy with me so I try not to mention her.
My mum, dad, brother, and SIL say what I am doing is right but some of my extended family say I am a jerk for not giving her another chance
EDIT: I live in LA with my immediate family and my extended family lives in Anaheim.
My partner was in a car accident (not her fault) when she was 8 months pregnant with our twins.
We sadly lost her and one baby. I am having therapy for this but having the boys in my life seems to help me cope.
My parents (M57, F56) tried to get my sister to give custody to them but CPS said they would prefer to stick with my sister’s decision as they are older.
I have no idea who the triplet’s father is and to be honest, I do not think she does. He is not on the birth certificate and she won’t even tell us any possibilities so I can’t try and contact him.
I probably wouldn’t though, to be honest as I am not sure that the boys need someone else that they do not know coming into their lives at this moment.
I may be wrong with that one so do not judge me!
My sister is going to be prosecuted for what evidence they have of child mistreatment. I try not to get too involved with the case as I need to focus on the boys.
Everyone that looks after all of the boys knows that she can’t have contact and to call 911 if she tries.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The next time you feel doubt or guilt remember that CPS’ goal is more often than not family reunification.
They generally do not allow parents to simply ‘give up’ their parental rights. So the fact that she has given up her parental rights and CPS has allowed it speaks volumes.
Furthermore, she waited 6 months to seek out contact. She hasn’t cared or concerned herself with them for 6 months. That is a significant amount of time. That the boys react the way they do even after 6 months of being away from her just at the mention of her is also very telling.
They experienced real trauma with her. They are not over it and are actively expressing their desire to keep their distance from her. Trust them.
Do not waiver in protecting your nephews.
In this instance, guilt is a useless emotion. She had multiple chances with your nephews; five years worth. She doesn’t need another chance. Good luck and good on you for being a good father/uncle to all of your boys.” Foreverforgettable
Another User Comments:
“You need to focus on the kids’ well-being and how seeing their mum will make them feel. Given what you have said, they are very uncomfortable just at the sound of her name – that says so much and 5/6yrs old is old enough to say when they do not want to do something.
Obviously, when it comes to basic needs and safety, parent overrides those choices.
Given that she has been charged with neglect, then I do not think it’s something you should do, as the legal guardian you are responsible to protect their wellbeing as much as possible.
Your extended family has no right to set you in the wrong, they likely do not know the full picture.
The only way I can see their mum seeing the kids again, would be if she did some serious work on herself, recognize her mistakes, and show positive change.
But at the end of the day if the kids didn’t want to see her that’s fine.
I think any contact would have to be supervised with yourself present and CPS being involved and working with you to protect them.” Possible_Laugh_9139
4. AITJ For Not Letting My Brother In My Room When He's Scared?
“I (24M) currently live with my younger brother (18M) who started college.
My brother sometimes gets nightmares and sleep paralysis, so he wakes up during the night, shaking, crying, and hyperventilating.
Most days like that, he comes into my room and asks if he can sleep on the extra bed I have.
I always say yes, but it’s tiring when he wakes me up because it usually takes me a long time to fall asleep after and I always work early.
I didn’t mind this because I wanted to be a good brother.
I thought that his nightmares were psychological, and he has been going to some type of therapy so I thought it was going to get better.
A few days ago, I knocked on his door, and when he didn’t answer, I opened it. He was watching a horror movie (‘Smile’, for those wondering). I asked him what it was, and he was even excited to tell me.
I looked at him like he was dumb.
I asked if he was serious, and it blew up into an argument where he was telling me the movies do not give him nightmares.
I do not believe that.
At one point I said, ‘I am tired of you waking me up and if you’re going to act tough, then stop crying for me when you get scared.’
He had another nightmare two days after that, and when he came to my room, I told him to leave and that he can’t sleep there since he needs to accept the consequences of his actions.
He’s mad at me, and my parents are telling me I was cruel. I do not think I was, so AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, sleep paralysis doesn’t work that way.
Sleep paralysis is essentially your body having a hard time fully transitioning to sleep. Meaning while your body is asleep and relaxed your mind is still very aware of your surroundings causing the ‘paralysis’ people deal with.
It’s not triggered by scary movies. It’s caused by abnormal sleep schedules, narcolepsy, and more. If he was to have a nightmare the night of the movie that’s one thing.
But two days later isn’t attributable to his sleep paralysis. While people rub it off as nothing. Sleep paralysis can be very serious and scary. The mind is a wonderful thing and the things it can create with the space given is infinite.
So who knows what your brother sees, but have some sympathy for him.” Foxfire_vixen
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for what you said to your brother. If I were you, I’d educate myself on sleep paralysis because clearly, you do not know a whole lot about it.
You should definitely apologize for what you said, AND use the opportunity to set boundaries.
What you’re feeling is actually valid and reasonable, so stick to that message and say something like, ‘I appreciate being a safe person that you can come to when you’ve had a nightmare/sleep paralysis, and the frequency of you coming into my room and waking me up is starting to negatively impact me physically/mentally.
We can have sleepovers in my room once a week/month (whatever works for you) when that happens, but if it happens more than what I am able to offer that week you need to implement coping strategies that you’ve learned in therapy to manage your symptoms/get back to sleep in your own room’.
It would be helpful to ask what he’s learned in therapy (tools/strategies) and practice with him, or encourage him to ask his therapist for those tools if he hasn’t learned them yet.” queencub
Another User Comments:
“I am no expert, but I am very sure his medical condition has nothing to do with horror movies. For some people, horror movies can definitely cause nightmares so I can understand your misconception here.
I think you are really frustrated with this situation, which is understandable, being low on sleep is so hard. So when it seems to you like your brother isn’t doing everything he can do to get better, it really hurts you because you are willingly sacrificing sleep to support him.
Depending on how often this happens your sleep loss could really be negatively affecting you. Being a good brother doesn’t mean you shouldn’t sleep. There has to be a better way to support your brother.
He can’t come into your room every time it happens.
It sounds like your brother is working with a therapist so he is trying to get better. You (possibly with the help of his therapist) need to gently explain to him that you are so sorry you lashed out like that.
That you understand that his sleep paralysis isn’t his fault and that you were wrong to imply he was making himself sick when you know he wants to get better.
Tell him that you’re so sorry he has to struggle with this right now and that you want to support him because you’re his brother. But that his interrupting your sleep before work is negatively impacting you.
Then you and he can hopefully discuss other ways you could support your brother.
I can’t tell you you’re not a jerk, but it causes so much pain to tell someone who struggles with uncontrollable health conditions that it’s their fault.
The medical system will do that enough. So gently YTJ. Please apologize.
And if you want to support him you should learn as much about his disorders as you can, communicate with him to figure out how you can best support him, and recognize and communicate your limits.
Remember it’s necessary and ok to always make your own health a priority, when you do that you put yourself in the best position to be able to support your loved ones.” bobbleheadjoe_
3. AITJ For Prohibiting My Daughter From Contacting Her Biological Parents?
“I (40 female) and my husband (42) have a daughter (9). She was adopted when she was born by myself and my husband and she knows she’s adopted.
Her biological mom was a very sweet 17-year-old girl who wanted to give her the best life she could.
I don’t know if her father knows she was ever born. (There were no substance issues or anything like that.)
Recently, she had a school project where she was supposed to write about where she comes from.
She is determined to find her biological mother and father to find out. I offered for her to write about our family instead.
My husband and I don’t want her reaching out to them.
We told her this and she’s upset saying we don’t understand and that she’ll always wonder about them. She said we’re being selfish and keeping her from finding out who she is.
We obviously just want what’s best for her.
AITJ?
Update: We had a long conversation with our daughter last night about the reasons she’d like to talk to her biological mother and father.
My husband and I had a long conversation after that.
Today we called her biological mother. They had a conversation over face time with our supervision. Our daughter did ask about her biological father and her biological mother did ask my husband and me if it was okay to talk about.
She told our daughter his name but doesn’t know how to contact him. They were high school sweethearts and haven’t talked in a couple of years.
I did promise my daughter we’d help find him.
Maybe he’ll see this here. Our daughter’s name is Aubrey and we’re hoping she’ll find him.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here
BUT – I hope you reconsider.
If the only reason the child was surrendered was that the bio mother was just too young to raise her, then the only real reason I can see to refuse to allow your daughter to get in contact is your own fears of the outcome.
Being an adoptive mother means that you have to face some anxieties and concerns that bio mothers are less exposed to. You’re not a jerk for feeling anxious about what the result of your daughter contacting her bio mother might be, but denying her that opportunity is a huge risk too.
By adopting a child you didn’t only gain a family, you shouldered a burden of responsibility, and part of that is a responsibility to face down your own fears for the sake of your daughter.
Sit down with your daughter and talk about how she hopes to contact her bio mother will go. Ask what she thinks she will do if it doesn’t go the way she hopes.
Nine is young, yes, but it’s not too young to understand that life is hard and confusing and people sometimes make choices that others don’t understand. Explain what you are afraid might happen, in simple words.
Write a letter with her. Ask the bio mother to write back. A lot might have changed for her in nine years, too, so don’t rush anything.
So many adopted children don’t get the opportunity to connect with their biological families – if you have contact details for this lady it would be a terrible sadness not to reach out to her.” alphorilex
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
You don’t want your daughter contacting her bio parents ever…
Congrats you have that level of ridiculously unnecessary control until she turns 18. Enjoy the next 9 years of it.
She’ll resent it the whole way because there is literally no reason for her not to have contact beyond you having feels (according to you)…
At age 18 she’s going to reach out, she’s going to talk to her bio parents… Who also want to talk to her… And she’s going to know there was no reason (safety of any sort) for her not to have any contact… And then she’s gonna be more annoyed.
This is her history. Let her know it. Or stop it while you can and build up a load of resentment that is entirely due to you prioritizing your feelings over your kid’s self-knowledge.
You could be there to support your kid. If you force her to wait until age 18 you’re the last person she’s going to come to for support. Which is going to break your heart.
You, when she’s 9, can help provide structure and safety now… At age 18 she’s not going to let you be involved at all in this process… Or listen to a word you say about it… So choose when she does it and with how much support because you don’t actually get to choose whether or not she does it.” JetItTogether
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here: every adoptee has a different experience. my b-mom was 15, and I was adopted as an infant. I’ve never had more than a passing curiosity in finding out about my b-mom (b-dad was an unknown factor).
Some people get very fixated on b-parents though. And it can be tough for a kid if the project is about, say, ancestry. Yes, you may know your a-parent’s ancestry, and completely understand, and accept them as your ‘real’ parents… but still not feel like it’s your ancestry.
It’s complicated and weird. And generally, not something teachers think about when assigning these types of projects.
You can tell her that her b-mom felt you were the best people to be her parents and that you are.
Knowing her b-parents aren’t going to tell her where she is from because she’s your kid. But it’s also a difficult position to be put in if this school project is making her feel like her genetics are crucial to understanding ‘who she is’.
Maybe get some counseling on this, from someone who specializes in adopted kids. And discuss it with her teacher to understand the purpose of the project. Best of luck to you in navigating a difficult situation.” twifferTheGnu
Another User Comments:
“YTJ YTJ YTJ YTJ
Screw it.
So many adoptive parents act like once they get their kid legally that the people who made them suddenly vanish into thin air.
No. That woman went through nine months (presumably) of pregnancy so she could give her baby (and yes, she is HER daughter too) to someone who she’s hoping is taking good care of her.
She is not going to snatch her up and fly away with her. She is the very reason your daughter exists in the first place. You owe that woman so much and you don’t even seem to consider the fact that your daughter would like to meet one of the people who is responsible for her existence in the first place.
You and your husband seem to think it’s all about you. Of course she wants to meet her and the fact that you think your opinion even matters is such beyond the bizarre line of thinking UNLESS she’s (bio mom) a legitimately dangerous person.
You said her bio mom was a sweet person? Okay, why haven’t you met her at least once now that she would like to? Or at least reach out to bio mom and discuss it if you’re able to?
That is the only involvement you should be having here besides possibly tagging along to the initial meeting.
YTJ. She is your daughter, not a no-take-back prize you won from someone else on the playground.
She has every right in this universe to meet the woman who loved her and carried her and is one of the people who made her.” iliketoomanysingers
2. AITJ For Keeping My Husband's Cancer A Secret From Our Kids?
“I (38F) was married to my late husband Jacob (49M) for 8 years. Jacob had 2 kids Megan (24F) and Christian (27M) and 3 grandchildren from his previous marriage as well as our son Jacob 6.
I had pretty decent relationships with Megan and Christian until the day of Jacob’s passing. Megan and her 2-year-old son also lived with us until 2 days ago. Jacob passed away 3 weeks ago after a very short battle with colon cancer.
He received his diagnosis just 5 months before his passing.
Jacob’s family has a history of colon cancer so he was always good about keeping up with his health and doctors’ appointments.
The diagnosis wasn’t much of a shock, just that it was caught so late despite his efforts. He was diagnosed with stage 4 and was told that the treatment at that stage was extremely aggressive with a relatively low success rate.
He ultimately decided to just be made comfortable and while it wasn’t a decision I was happy with, I supported him and respected his decision.
I asked him when he planned to tell the kids and he told me that he didn’t and asked me not to tell them.
He told me that he would never forgive me if I told them because he didn’t want their last memories of him to be of him sick. He started spending a lot more time with the kids and grandkids and taking lots of pictures and videos.
He had a build-a-bear made for each of them with a recording of his voice. He continued making memories with them up until the day that he passed away despite the pain that he was in.
It was hard watching him go through that and feeling like I had no one to talk to and continuing to be strong for him so that he wouldn’t be sad for me.
The day before he passed, I feel like he knew that he was going to pass away. He had a sleepover with the kids and grandkids like they did when they were little.
We laughed and had a good time and he passed away early the following morning. I let them all have their time with him before calling the police.
When the coroner came, he asked if he had any medical conditions so I told him that he had stage 4 colon cancer.
Christian heard me speaking with the coroner and blew up on me. It was so bad that the police had to escort him out. I tried to explain to him that it was what Jacob wanted, but he wouldn’t listen.
Megan eventually followed her brother’s lead and blew up on me as well. They called me so many horrible names and I broke down.
Jacob was cremated as he requested to be.
His ashes were divided amongst his parents, the kids, and myself and we had a service for him last weekend. Megan and Christian didn’t come to his service along with some of his family members so they told their version of events.
They are planning to have their own service for him tomorrow that I am banned from coming to. They’ve been ignoring me and Jacob since the day of their dad’s passing and Megan has since moved in with their mom.
My heart is broken and I have zero clue what I did wrong. My son lost his dad and siblings and he feels so sad and confused. Was I wrong?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You did the best you could in a horrible situation. As much as I hate to speak ill of the deceased, your husband was the jerk for putting you in that situation and denying his children and grandchildren the opportunity to prepare.
It was terribly selfish of him to only consider his own needs and not what would happen when they found out he had been hiding that from them. But it’s understandable that in their grief, his children would rather blame you than him, even though you did nothing wrong.
I am so sorry for your loss and this awful situation. It’s not your fault at all.” yourlittlebirdie
Another User Comment:
“YTJ to you and to the kids’ dad.
He didn’t want their last memories of him to be him sick?
Instead, their last memories of him were of being blindsided by waking up from a sleepover with him to FIND HIM GONE.
They had no chance to prepare. No chance to say goodbye. No chance to process what they were experiencing. No counseling or therapy to prepare them for the ordeal.
This was the cruelest, most awful way for them to experience the situation.
This could have been handled so much better. They could have been told what was happening, in a gentle, age-appropriate manner. They could have been taken to child psychologists, to help them process the situation.
They could have been in age-appropriate support groups provided by hospitals for children with parents with cancer. Their father could have told them how much he loved them, and how he was sorry he was leaving them and explained it in terms of whatever faith you do or do not follow.
They also almost certainly had some awareness that he was sick, that his health was failing. But they were given no explanation for what they were seeing. Instead, they were gaslighted, told everything was fine when it would be plain to any observer that their father was not doing well at all.
They will never trust you again.
What’s worse, they’ll have problems trusting themselves, and their own observations and experiences, because they had months of observing their father’s health gradually fail but kept on being told there was no problem.
Yes, you handled this terribly. You needed to tell their father that, whatever he felt, for their sake, they needed the truth and they needed time to come to understand and prepare themselves for what was happening in their lives.” Jazzlike_Humor3340
Another User Comments:
“The only jerk here is your husband. He unfairly denied his children the opportunity to say goodbye to him, even though he took full advantage of his knowledge to say goodbye to them.
They feel betrayed, and rightly so.
‘My heart is broken and I have zero clue what I did wrong.’
I know people argue that you should always honor a sick person’s wishes.
And I tend to agree with that, within reason. But that doesn’t change the fact that sometimes those last wishes are selfish and cruel. So while I do not think you were a jerk for refusing to share his secret, I do think you erred in not trying to help him understand how cruel his actions were to his children.
Imagine if the situation was reversed, and his kids knew he was saying goodbye, but no one told you. Imagine how betrayed you would feel. Imagine how foolish you would feel for not noticing.
Imagine thinking back through your conversations with him and realizing that there were things you wished you’d had the opportunity to say…and knowing that you could have said them had anyone bothered to tell you.
Imagine how hurt you would feel if neither your husband nor your stepkids thought you were important enough to tell.
That’s how your stepkids feel now. And since their father is dead, you are the only one still around for them to blame.
So while it wasn’t your fault, this is a completely unsurprising outcome.
And honestly, if I were in their shoes, I would be wondering whether my father really could have made such a selfish choice to exclude me from knowing the real him in the final months of his life… or whether my stepmother selfishly convinced him not to tell me.
It’s easier to believe that it was your choice, rather than face the possibility that their own father didn’t think them worthy to know the truth.
NTJ, but there is a real possibility that they will never be in your life again.” DinaFelice
Another User Comments:
“Gentle YTJ.
You and Jacob deprived the kids of saying goodbye. They didn’t know he was terminally ill, that he was getting weaker. To them, all was fine and dandy until all of a sudden, their dad passed away.
I get that Jacob wanted to retain his best image for their last memories, but that was an extremely selfish thing to do. If those kids had known he had cancer, and that he was getting weaker, they could’ve done more.
Yes, they couldn’t prevent their dad from dying. But they could’ve treasured the memories they were making. Could’ve made more time to do things with their dad and come to terms with it.
If they had known five months ago that Jacob had cancer, you can bet that they would’ve taken time out of their lives to come over and visit. To hang out, do anything.
I am not blaming you for going along with your husband’s last wishes. But deep down, you know just as well why they are so upset.
I’d suggest writing them a letter.
Explain everything as clearly as possible. Do not lay blame, just state the events as they happened.
They may forgive you and their dad for the bomb that was dropped in their lap.
Or, they may not.
The true jerk here is Jacob, for knowingly dropping this on your shoulders instead of taking it on the chin and telling his kids that he’s dying.” Shifting2Wolf
1. AITJ For Not Organizing Things At My Partner's House?
“I (38M) generally stay at my partner’s (36F) house on the weekends. We met in the city and early in the relationship didn’t go to each other’s houses much cause I live in the ‘burbs in one direction and her the other making us well over an hour apart from each other.
We’ve been seeing each other for about a year now and are reasonably serious, and the more serious we’ve gotten the more I spend the weekend at her house. We spend time there vs my place because she has a dog she needs to feed and walk etc and I do not.
Recently she has gotten on a bit about how I am a ‘lazy slob.’ I think she’s just an overly neat freak.
Since I am there much of most weekends I do my part in things like dishes, basic cleaning, etc. She thinks I do things ‘lazily’ though.
Admittedly I am not as organized as her, but I am pitching in just not doing things as she would like them exactly done.
For example: If she makes the bed she likes to have it folded a certain way – I just spread the sheets and blanket so they look neat enough.
If she puts the groceries away she has an exact spot for everything – I just put things where there’s an open room in the fridge or pantry. Etc.
It’s come up as an issue only relatively recently even though I’ve been there many weekends at this point.
She says when I first started staying there she wanted me to feel like a welcome guest, but since I am there all the time now I should respect how she likes things done and do them her way in her home.
We’re both reasonable adults here and do not get in blow-up fights over it or anything, but it’s just a nagging issue. This evening I was putting dishes away and she told me to ‘please put them away properly.’ That annoyed me and I told her I do not like wasting time organizing dishes into perfectly matched piles when they sit behind cabinet doors where no one will see them.
She rolled her eyes and said ‘fine’ grumpily and went to her sister’s (not part of a fight or anything, the sister’s visit was planned).
Part of me thinks I should organize the stuff how she likes it cause it’ll make her happy when she gets back, but frankly, I just do not want to; not just tonight but in general.
If we spent equal time at my house as at her’s I would understand, ‘My house my way, your house your way.’ But we’re always at hers to accommodate her having a dog.
This is fine, but I kinda feel like given that I am not gonna spend extra time organizing things exactly the way she wants and she should tolerate that.
AITJ for refusing to organize things the way she likes them in her home?”
Another User Comments:
“Generally, putting things in disorder in a kitchen (aka putting things where they do not belong so they are hard to find when needed) is something people can rightfully become irritated by.
If you do not know where to put things, ask. If you just put them where there is space (especially groceries and kitchen utensils other than dishes) you do not actually help, you’re making things worse.
You may feel like you’re helping because you are doing something, but in this case, your effort is wasted and only leads to frustration because now it becomes your partner’s job to rearrange things or have to look for them in places she doesn’t expect them in when she needs them.
So you actively cause her more stress/work than if you just put them on the counter and let her take them where they belong.
In the case of dishes, it’s likely more about aesthetics (thinking along the lines of ‘you gotta match the plates’) but as there is an established order, following that shouldn’t be too hard.
I personally would respect your partner’s wishes and either learn where to put the dishes (most of the time it should be obvious where they go) or just leave them on the counter so she can put them away (if she is fine with that).
Also, having an organized kitchen isn’t something that I’d consider out of the ordinary (same with the folding of the sheets, to be honest). Those are things that you should be able to adapt to rather easily comply with her sense of tidiness (which also has an effect on her level of comfort).
And I am saying that as a lazy slob who started living with someone who has a way higher level of organization and cleanliness than I do.
Soft YTJ.” Voeglein
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
You’re probably putting her off the idea of living with you in the future too – who wants to live with someone that can’t even put groceries or dishes away in set locations?
You’re both adults, yes, but you’re not acting like one. You’re just creating more work for her by making it so that she needs to organize what you just throw into the cupboards, hopefully, she’s not enough of a pushover to excuse you from chores entirely.
Stop trying to get out of things by using weaponized incompetence.
She also probably wouldn’t want to stay at yours even if she could more often because from the sounds of it, it’s probably super messy.” anon287536
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
It sounds like you just do not want to think about it and take the extra 10 seconds to put things in their place. Not wanting to stack alike dishes just because they are behind closed doors sounds like some strange form of power play.
I understand the thing about making the bed as I personally do not understand putting so much time and effort into it and it’s very much a visual thing only.
However, putting away things where they belong, where everyone in the household can easily find and use the space is just a matter of respect.
If you have trouble with her way of organizing, talk to her about it and maybe you can find a way that works for both of you.” chocearthling
