People Are Wondering If They Can Get Away Unscathed In Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
16. WIBTJ If I Tell My Mom I Won't Take Care Of Her And Dad?
“I’m 25 and graduated from college last year (a little late, I know). I just started a job in my field back in November & when I finished school my mom suggested I move back home for a bit to save funds before starting my life.
Well come to find out moving home was a trap to keep me here so I never leave them. My parents are old closer to retirement age, my dad turns 70 this year and my mom is about 63. My parents don’t have the best relationship somewhere along the lines my dad just became a trashy person overall and stopped being a good Father/Husband.
So now what’s happening is my mom is looking to me to step into this role and be the one that takes care of them through retirement. My dad never planned or saved for their retirement, all they have is the equity on the house they currently live in that isn’t even paid off yet.
Every time I talk about moving out & how I plan on moving in with my partner of 4 years very soon, my mom decides to guilt trip me and tell me if I leave who’s gonna take care of them & look after them, who will help them pay off the house, she says absolutely anything to manipulate me.
And tells me how much of a bad son I’d be if I left them here, she even goes as far as calling all my other siblings and telling them how I plan to leave her hopeless and abandoned with no money while I go live with my partner. And that isn’t fair to me at all.
Now I’m home and my plans of saving in hopes of moving out to live with my partner by year’s end are getting ruined cause now I’m forced to give funds to my family and help pay off the house, the house I didn’t want or ask for in an area I don’t plan on living.
She treats me like a man-child and I partially blame myself for letting our relationship get so ridiculously toxic and not setting boundaries. Anytime I leave the house, she calls me 100x to ask where I’m at, when I’m coming home and she’ll use any guilt-tripping method she can to keep me in her control.
She’ll say that since I’m out she has nobody to help her, she smokes when my dad isn’t around, etc. she’ll use any method to guilt trip me.
She says my moving out and wanting to live with my partner means I’m putting my partner before her and that isn’t right to her and as the youngest, I have to take care of them.
Sometimes I just want to end my life because I’ll never be able to be as happy as I want.
I’m planning on sitting down and having a talk with her next week about how she and my father need to start game planning because I am also trying to start my life & I cannot sit here trying to take care of them in the meantime.
I have 5 other siblings who can help too and I don’t mind helping but I don’t want to bankrupt myself early as I just started my career. I can’t even save cause now I help out with home bills.
UPDATE: I called one sibling to tell them I want to set up a family convo with just us kids about how we can each do a little to help them, and right away my oldest sister says ‘no they need someone to be home with them all the time, they are too old to live alone.’ Yeah, there’s no helping these people they want my whole life conjoined to my parents.
I’m just gonna leave.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Sadly their bad financial management isn’t your responsibility.
It’s easy for your siblings to talk about what your parents need and burden you with their care since they come off scot-free.
Live your life and start looking to live somewhere else. The conversation you are wanting to have with them will not go as you want.
They’re not rational.” cultqueennn
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here – your parents for sure for the way they treat you, but also you for continuing to let them. You need to grow a backbone and get out of there. Go find an apartment, put down a deposit, and sign a lease. Then go home and start packing.
Having an obligation of a lease will help give you the strength to not back down. Then you need to block them on your phone and DO NOT tell them where you are moving. Do the same with your siblings if you must. You need to break completely free of this toxic relationship.
As for ‘too old to live alone’.
Oh. Good. Grief. I up and moved to Spain to start a whole new life at the ‘advanced’ age of 62. My husband was 65. Our best friends who moved at the same time are in their 70s. Your parents aren’t decrepit. Also, you are not responsible for filling in the gaps for their bad choices.” JanetInSpain
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. There’s no point in talking to your siblings. They’re happy to dump the burden on you. Move out and don’t come back. Don’t give them a key to your place. And don’t let them guilt you. All you can control is how you respond to them.” ComprehensiveBand586
15. AITJ For Wanting To Drive My Wife's Car?
“I own a ‘99 Mercedes G500 and a ‘92 BMW convertible.
Both get terrible gas mileage and cost a lot to maintain. Plus I don’t want to wreck either in lousy LA traffic with all the yahoos on the road. We just bought an all-electric Ford Mustang Mach-E and it’s super nice. Comfortable and fast, fun to drive, and the best part – all electric so inexpensive to operate.
We have a toddler that goes 5 days a week to daycare. Car seats in both my G500 and Ford Mach-E. I can take my G500 but it’s a hassle pulling out of the tight garage – don’t want to scratch my bimmer and putting a kid in the car seat is a tight awkward squeeze.
Wife’s car is sitting there just begging to be driven. She’s not using it most days as she’s working from home.
Problem is – there have been a few times I’ve driven our kid to daycare on days she needed the car to go to an important meeting at the office.
I’ve left her totally high and dry and entirely late for a meeting. I thought I was doing her a favor by dropping off our daughter but just made it way worse by taking her car. I’ve done this twice. And a few other times to go play tennis on a Saturday morning when I thought she didn’t need the car and my game went long.
Every time this happens she sees red. She says it’s crazy how entitled I feel to take her car without asking and not use one of the two cars I already have. I’m always sincerely apologetic. I suppose since we literally share everything else in our lives I am put off by the lack of sharing on her part regarding the car matter.
I think it’s an overreaction on her end if I’m being entirely honest. Though I have a sneaking suspicion I may be the jerk. Am I?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – you have two cars, she has one. STOP driving her car period and drive one of your two cars. Or sell them and buy your own nice all-electric Ford.
Don’t even lie that you thought you were doing her a favor because (gasp) that is your child too and you are just as responsible for getting her to daycare as her mother is because you are her parent. (Additional YTJ for acting like it is a favor to your wife to take care of your own child.) Not to mention we all know you only did it to ‘excuse’ taking your wife’s car and leaving her high and dry.
Don’t even lie and say you were ‘sincerely apologetic’ – a sincere apology is followed by not repeating the offending behavior again. You have taken her car repeatedly so no, you are not sorry one iota.
Don’t even pretend it is even remotely OK to take her car without asking if she needed it. YTJ for trying to blame her for your rude, self-entitled behavior.
Even if you ‘share everything’ you do not use someone else’s possession without asking first because that is a total lack of respect for your partner.
Grow up, sell your useless two cars, and buy yourself something you will drive.” StockComprehensive96
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Cars are meant to be driven, but you purchased two impractical cars for yourself that you feel are important enough to not use for fear they get a scratch and with the excuse that they are too expensive to drive.
Then your wife gets a practical car for her use and you unilaterally decide that her car is more convenient to shove a car seat in to drop off your kid at daycare and that your wife can’t possibly need the car so it must be a favor.
You would have to drop off the kid no matter what car you take, taking hers is not a favor, it only makes parenting your kid slightly more convenient to you.
Instead of asking her if you can use it you leave her in the awkward position of needing to call you when she needs her car or to use your impractical cars, which is a barrier she probably thought buying the practical car would solve. But instead, she doesn’t know her car has been taken so she is left to scramble at the last minute at the detriment of her career just so things could be a little more convenient for you.
Get over yourself, honestly.” daisy113
Another User Comments:
“YTJ … do you also use her toothbrush or eat meals she makes for herself because it’s ‘more convenient’ for you? Have you ever stopped to think that your convenience inconveniences her?! You basically tell her every time you take the car without asking her that:
- your wants are more important than her needs
- what’s yours is yours and what’s hers is yours
- she doesn’t matter enough to even merit asking permission to use her things
How entitled can you be? Jeez.” Different-Eggplant40
If by some chance you're serious about it, just reverse the situation and switch positions with your wife.
If you worked from home and bought yourself a nice little practical car to use for your own purposes, and every time you need it, your wife, who has TWO expensive, high maintenance vehicles at her disposal, takes you car and leaves you high and dry, would you call her the jerk?
In a nanosecond. If you're so worried about messing up your fancy cars, BUY YOURSELF SOMETHING PRACTICAL AND LEAVE HERS ALONE!!!!
You are a pompous, egomaniac narcissist and I'm amazed your wife puts up with your selfish @*$.
Shame on you.
14. AITJ For Letting My Husband Sleep On The Floor?
“My (f34) husband (m32) has a medical condition (heart problems) and we sleep separately, he sleeps in the bedroom while I am on the couch.
He’s become partially reliant on me to care for him whether it be cleaning, cooking for him, supervising his medication intake, or managing side effects. He’s on a number of medications and one of them causes excessive urination (it is essentially to treat the swelling of his feet and abdomen) as a result he urines a lot which is an issue cause he just keeps wetting the bed. Previously, he was catheterized so I didn’t worry about the bed-wetting issue, but he went against the doctor’s recommendation and had the catheter taken out and the problem of him wetting the bed started. As a reasonable alternative to taking the catheter out, adult diapers had been recommended but he was 100% against it.
We had arguments about it cause it wasn’t like he had an allergy preventing him from using diapers.
He promised he’d be careful but every time he’d end up wetting the bed he expected me to clean it, clean everything: the sheets, the mattress, the floor even. So far I’ve cleaned the bed over 40+ times in the middle of the night and he still said no whenever I urge him to just wear diapers.
It all came to a head nights ago, he woke me up shouting from the bedroom that he wet the bed again and needed me to get up and clean it right then, I’m talking 2 am! I expected that and was maddened so I ignored him and remained sleeping. He kept shouting demanding I come clean up then started calling my phone but I turned it off.
I got up at 6 and found him sleeping on the floor on a spare mattress and the bed was a mess, he woke up and blew up at me calling me nasty and heartless for not rushing to help and clean up the bed for him after he wetted it. I stated that it was his fault for refusing to wear diapers after willingly removing the catheter.
He yelled saying the catheter thing caused him suffering, then said he’d never wear diapers cause of his ‘hurt ego’ and ‘manhood’, also said I had a job and I neglected it and acted petty by punishing him this way and causing him to sleep on the floor.
I said I was done doing unnecessary chores in the middle of the night almost every night when he could just use diapers, he was astonished by what I said and called me a monster for enjoying his suffering like that then got SIL to come to give me a stern talk about my attitude towards her brother cause her brother is helpless.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Leave. You have a job, bills to pay, and a life that shouldn’t revolve around someone who won’t take the initiative to look out for half of his issues. Hurt his manhood to have briefs or pads on the bed, or the plastic sheet, or the alarm at the first sign of wetting.
Children use these. People either train themselves or clean the mess themself.
If it were about dignity or manhood, or strength, then he would be shouldering his care and checking in with you on the issues he feels needs to be helped with. Not dumping his entire care regiment on you, then throwing a tantrum when he doesn’t get his way?
Divorce him. Go. Night nurses, medical care, and trained professionals have sanitation rules and professionalism. You as a wife, are under no obligation to do all this. He’s able to yell, call and cry about it all night, and drag a new mattress in to sleep on. But he can’t wad up the sheets, shower, and change?” JessamineArugula
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. There is a line between being a caregiver and allowing yourself to be mistreated, and you ARE being mistreated: physically, mentally, and emotionally.
Your husband’s actions and choices sound like textbook Narcissism, to be honest. Strongly suggest getting you both into marriage therapy, and you into individual therapy so you have a sounding board of reason, and support, for what you are going through.
I also suggest you take a break from caregiving for a week… go visit a friend or family member who will nurture you and recharge your batteries, and take some time and distance to think about reasonable limits that work FOR YOU as a caregiver at your level of service. Just because his ‘need’ is a level 10 doesn’t mean YOU are obligated to provide that for him, wedding ring or not.
And while you’re gone change your number in your husband’s phone so he calls his sister at 2 am to come to clean up his pee every night.” Myay-4111
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Honestly, I would consider a separation in this scenario. He chose to remove his catheter. Then the resulting incontinence is his issue to manage, as he is an adult.
The mattress should have a waterproof covering. I think with over 40 accidents at this point your current mattress should be thrown out because it’ll perpetually smell like pee. The new mattress should have a waterproof protective covering so no liquid penetrates the layers.
Secondly, he put down sleep pads. And lastly, he should be wearing adult diapers.
That’s what they are for — when folks cannot hold their bladder to make it to the bathroom. He loses control and wets everything with urine.
I think your husband should stay a few nights with SIL so she gets an idea of what her brother is truly like at night. Let him soak up her guest bed repeatedly and have her clean it up since she thinks he is ‘helpless.'” OneTwoWee000
You are being abused here and I agree that he sounds like a narcissist. He was one before his medical needs got worse.. but you might've missed the signs as he would've hid it in his charisma and manipulative words. He's beyond needing to do that now you are his wife and have shown him that you will nurse him.
He has choices.. he's choosing the ones that make your life a misery. He's not helping himself. He's had these medical issues for a long time and it may be time to say enough.
Honestly I'd leave him. Short term separation to start off with but it would probably be divorce. If anyone comments... ie you are leaving a husband who requires some care and you just don't want to do it. Well just tell them you refuse to look after a man that won't help himself nor avail himself of simple solutions and would rather you suffer. And I would extend that further and say that he refuses both a urinary catheter or adult continence products and instead has decided he'd prefer to wet the bed instead and expects you to both change the bed and him multiple times a night. If they want to deal with that... then they are welcome to do that. That has the added benefit of being embarrassing to him but it's complete truth.
13. AITJ For Telling My Partner He's Not A Superhero?
“My (17) partner (17) and I have been together for almost a year & he’s great.
The only thing is, he has some hero complex.
He needs to save everyone from all their troubles and if someone gets hurt or fails something etc it’s his fault.
EX: I failed a chemistry test and he didn’t talk to me for a week because he didn’t want to distract me. He sent me all his notes and made a whole study schedule before ghosting me though.
His twin got hurt in a small car accident and he thinks it’s because he ‘distracted’ her. She has a cast but he acts as if she can’t do anything without him. He doesn’t let anyone help either.
His baby sister dropped a glass and he FREAKED. It didn’t break but he panicked and didn’t let anyone in the kitchen for ages.
He also kept checking her feet for glass even though the cut skin is pretty obvious and she was fine.
He criticizes his mom’s parenting?!
We were walking around at a park and he looked anxious the entire time. He said he was keeping an eye out just in case someone needed help.
These seem like small things but it gets overwhelming.
He’s constantly anxious, scared, or jumpy and it’s exhausting. And he doesn’t want me to do certain things because I might get hurt. I hurt my ankle skating once some time back and he freaked when I told him we should go skating again.
Anyways, this happened yesterday.
His dad told him he needed funds because he lost his partner’s jewelry and needed to replace it.
My partner, with no hesitation, stole over $800 from his mom. When I asked him why he told me that his dad needed it urgently and that he’d pay his mom back later (he has no job, so I don’t know where he thinks he’s getting those funds from). I lost it. I told him he’s not the superhero that he thinks he is especially since he decided to straight up STEAL from his mother who has so much trust in him.
He got upset and told me to stop mocking him. I told him that he needed to face reality and realize that he can’t save everyone and that he was becoming exhausting. I also mentioned again that I couldn’t believe he STOLE from his mom so carelessly.
He called me irritating and said I wouldn’t get it and he left to go give his dad the money.
I immediately told his mom who freaked as well and now he’s in trouble. He basically called me a jerk but he hasn’t responded to any of my texts since.
Now, I don’t think I’m the jerk because well, he needed the reality check and everyone’s thinking what I’m thinking I just voiced those thoughts.
But, my partner’s heart is generally in a good place and he’s told me that he can’t help it. He thinks I’m the jerk (obviously, since he told me to ‘leave him alone for Pete’s sake’). My brother also thinks I shouldn’t have involved myself since it isn’t my problem (ok… ) and I was pretty harsh.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You could have been kinder or gentler, but I can understand being blunt when someone steals $800 like it’s no big deal. Since you knew about it and knew it was wrong, it makes sense you told too. Even if he can live with himself stealing from his mom, you shouldn’t have to deal with the guilt of keeping that secret.
If he really wanted it to stay quiet, he shouldn’t have said anything.
But there’s a way bigger issue going on here. I can’t imagine his dad doesn’t know about this absurd savior complex, and I’d imagine he knows your partner has no job – it really sounds like the dad is using his own kid as an ATM.
Something is seriously wrong with that dynamic.
Not only that – everything else you have as examples are actually good deeds or at least misguided heroism. Stealing from his mom so his dad’s partner can have jewelry is not heroic in the slightest. He wants to save people, but who is going to save his mom from being robbed?
All you can really do is what you did, alert his mom and hope she can sort him out. That and decide if you want to stay with someone who steals from loved ones so easily.” Massive-Emergency-42
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, but your partner needs to see a therapist. This is not a hero complex.
This anxiety over everything and blaming himself when things go wrong sounds more to me like it might be bordering on or even be OCD – repeatedly checking sister’s feet for broken glass when the glass didn’t even break and she’s not saying she’s hurting (what if it did and there’s a tiny shard embedded in her foot?), blaming himself for things going wrong (should have done X, Y, or Z to prevent it), NEEDING to be the one to help his twin (someone else would do it wrong), and assuming one bad experience doing something means it will always be like that (you got hurt the first time you went skating so it’ll happen again if you go skating again).
These things are getting in the way of him living his life (constantly alert, overreacting when things go wrong, unwilling to try things again) and getting in the way of his family living their lives (treating his twin like an invalid, refusing to let others help, stealing hundreds of dollars from his mom).
If you’re able to do so you might suggest that he needs to talk to a professional about how anxious he is about everything.” AgentLadyHawkeye
Antoher User Comments:
“NTJ
Your partner has issues. He might be an abuser who wraps up the terrible behavior by concern trolling, he might have psychological issues, and/or he might have been mistreated as a kid (I’d bet the dad due to the ‘missing jewelry’) and he thinks he can spare everyone else from being hurt if he just tries hard enough.
Regardless, he’s not going about things in a healthy manner. You need to decide if you can help him become a healthy, functioning person (along with other people, such as his family) or if this is too much for you. You’re only 17. There’s no shame in admitting that this may be more than you can handle.
Don’t believe all the garbage about how a woman’s worth is determined by all the people she helps. ‘Reforming bad boys with the power of love’ makes for profitable movies but rarely happens in real life.” MythologicalRiddle
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He sounds exhausting and annoying, and also like he has some issues he needs to work out with a therapist. Beyond the avalanche of ridiculousness you shared with us as specific examples of stuff he’s done, the simple fact that he’s permanently tense and jumpy in public spaces because he’s trying to use his Spidey-sense to detect ‘if someone needs help’ in order to insert himself in their space is unhealthy enough.
And the fact that his dad told him he needed funds to buy his partner jewelry and the dude went and stole $800 from his mom to give to his dad and somehow thinks that story is about how he helped his dad and not about how he stole from his mom is insane. He’s right that you wouldn’t get it, though.
No one who’s not a humongous jerk would get it. I agree with other people that you should dump him and get yourself a guy who’s not the main character in his own badly written TV show.” Tough_Stretch
12. AITJ For Saying No To My Boss's Plan To Propose On My Wedding Day?
“I (24M) am getting married in 2 weeks.
I have invited my boss to my wedding. Yesterday he asked me if I can tell my wife (25F) to give her bouquet to his partner, who is one of the bridesmaids rather than throw it in the air and he’ll propose then.
The thing is I can adjust to this, but a few years ago, my fiance looked at one of these types of videos on social media and said ‘This is bad.
People shouldn’t even ask the bride for help doing this and put her in a dilemma.’ We were friends back then. So I said no to my boss without asking her. He got really angry and said I didn’t even ask my wife to be and I am bending in front of her even before marriage, what will happen when I get married, etc. He said he would get the perfect scenery for the proposal and all.
AITJ for ruining this for my boss? We’re getting married at a very beautiful place owned by her aunt. So it could make nice memories for him.
Edit: Wifey is very kind and goes out of her way to help people. I’m afraid if I tell her she’ll say yes to her friend against her own wishes.
I wanna give her the wedding she deserves. That’s why I didn’t go to her with this.
Wife-to-be is the major breadwinner. She’s very intelligent and highly respected. I am the dumb one. I know she will ask me to leave the job if my boss pressurizes me, but I don’t want to sit on my butt the whole day while she works.
I wanna get a new job after we settle down a bit. I wanna give her the world.”
Another User Comments:
“First of all, NTJ. Way to stand up for your wife-to-be even before the wedding.
I’m sure she will LOVE that you remembered this detail from when you were friends! BUT: remember that marriage is also about communication!
Since in another response you mentioned that your fiancée is also good friends with your boss’ SO, maybe you should bring it up to your fiancée by saying, ‘Listen, I know back (whenever it was) you mentioned that you didn’t like this type of thing, so I already told my boss ‘no’ but since it’s your friend I wanted to make sure I wasn’t overstepping by not checking with you, first. If you want to do this like truly do this (not just to give in to be nice) then I can tell him it’s OK or I can just tell him no again and keep you out of it so there aren’t any ill feelings between you and your friend.’
This way, you’ve included her in the discussion/decision. You’ve given her a way out of it if she doesn’t truly like the idea since you already said no. You’ve also given her the ability to look like the hero of the situation as well, and you’re starting your marriage off with open and honest communication.” ghostwriter623
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you are being an incredibly thoughtful husband-to-be, like you said you wouldn’t necessarily mind your boss proposing at your wedding yourself, but you know your fiancee wouldn’t enjoy it. from the way you describe her and how highly you speak of her, and the way you can admit that she is the breadwinner and not have a bruised ego like some men would, I can tell that she is a very lucky woman and you will be the best husband.
I understand worrying about the aftermath at work with your boss, and I understand you not wanting your fiancee to say yes to this request just to be nice. If you don’t want to feel like you have to quit your job, maybe you can try to gently put your boss in his place. Tell him that this wedding represents your loyalty to your wife, not to him and his company.
Tell him that you don’t want to have to leave but he is creating a hostile work environment by getting bent out of shape over a non-work-related event that you had no obligation to invite him to.
I wish you and your soon-to-be bride a lifetime of happiness! Congratulations.” Spirited_Barracuda_5
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
We’re all allowed special occasions that are just about us. Your wedding is about you and your fiancee. You shouldn’t have to share it.
But neither should your boss’s future fiancee. You might take the approach that he needs to think of her. She’d have to share the limelight during their initial engagement because he chose to tack on to your wedding.
Doesn’t she deserve a special proposal that’s all about her rather than getting one moment & then having to go back to being a bridesmaid?
Frankly, I’d be mad with the proposal he’s planned if I was her. Like, why do I need someone else’s entire family present for this intimate moment between us? Your boss should think about that if he’s not going to think about your wishes.” randoreditname
11. AITJ For Shouting At Uninvited Guests?
“So I wanted to get a car for my family and the nearest dealership was a premium cars showroom of the car company that I was going for. When contacted they said they can deliver it though they don’t sell it at their showroom. The salesman said it’ll be delivered in a week, took my contact details and we waited. After a week when I contacted the person said I have to give a letter to get the car out of the factory.
Nobody bothered to inform me of that. Another week went by and still no news.
When contacted they said it’ll take even longer because of issues from the dealership. I told him I will go to the normal showroom if it was too much of a problem for them since they only do premium cars, he said no he can deliver it.
And after 60 days no news of the car. Someone from head office called me for feedback and I said the truth to them. They probably bashed the branch. The salesman called me asking why I gave a bad review. I said the reason. He was like sir please it will affect his review. I said okay fine I’ll wait 10 days more and in the next feedback call, I’ll give positive feedback.
10 days went by and nothing. The head office called again on the 11th day and I was obviously angry. Gave a very bad review. In a few hours the dealers called and were telling me to have a meeting with them. I said I’m not interested since I’d had enough chats like these with them.
But they had my address and came home unannounced that day with the branch manager, the salesman, and a few other staff. Stood near my gate and were telling me to have a conversation with them. I got angry and shouted at them. They said sir please listen to us we can clear the confusion.
Out of anger, I screamed that I will call the police on them (yes I may have gone a bit overboard). They left eventually. The neighbors all gathered to see the commotion and started telling me that I overreacted and should have just listened to them. I explained the situation but still, they’re empathizing with the salesman.
Am I at fault here? I’m willing to go and apologize if I am. I got my car from another dealership anyways. It took me exactly one week for everything.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and report them again.
Whatever reason they required your address (probably proof of financial affordability) I would wager it wasn’t so they could visit said address Willy nilly, and even if it were, they would have had to make this clear to you prior to you consenting to offer it.
I’m not sure which country you’re from but if it’s one under General Data Protection Regulation legislation you could massively get them in trouble over this because it sounds like they’ve been misusing your data and failing to solicit proper consent when using it for whatever purposes. If you are in such a country, contact their head office and ask to speak to their Data Protection Officer about a SAR.” BoomTheBear86
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – They were over 70 days on delivery and YOU had to contact them after their failures? That is worth lots of ill-will. You refuse to talk to them at that point if they had to communicate anything to you they should have done it with registered mail or email asking to see you in person, and offering to come to you.
Just showing up at someone’s home because they have the address could be a harassment charge if it was an individual and not a company.” LackVegetable
10. AITJ For Not Wanting To Learn How To Cook?
“I am not great with cooking and never have been or want to. I didn’t do any cooking as a child and never learned to do it growing up.
I moved in to live with my partner last summer and he mostly does the cooking apart from when we eat out etc. etc. He has since we moved in together been trying to get me to do more cooking and tried to teach me and I have no interest in learning it and cooking isn’t pleasant as an experience to me.
He isn’t a good teacher and he doesn’t make it fun so I don’t see why he keeps wanting to do it again and again. It doesn’t seem exciting to me just a time waster.
I have spoken to my partner and said that the experience of cooking isn’t a pleasant one and I would rather just not be good at cooking but he doesn’t think it’s possible and will not give up no matter what I say.
I have no choice but to be a jerk but does it make me a jerk if he forces me to choose the jerk route by not listening?
I have had no choice but to be deliberately frustrating to teach to try and make it less interesting to him and whenever he asks me to buy ingredients to teach I forget them or get them slightly wrong like instead of mushrooms I get brown mushrooms etc. Etc. I have also added lots of extra salt to food and overflew pans of water and added mayonnaise to different things.
This is very frustrating to my partner because he can’t teach the recipes he wants to and he might lose interest.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
I hope the guy sees this and breaks up with you so he can find an equal partner. Weaponizing incompetence isn’t okay when a guy does it and it’s not okay either when a girl does it.
The fact he wants you to learn should clue you in that he’s starting to get tired of cooking all the meals.
Also, most normal people don’t prefer takeout or frozen food to a home-cooked meal. Most takeout is ridden with salt and sugar. Unless you’re getting a salad and grilled food, it’s probably not healthy.
It’s also a huge waste of money. I can get Korean bbq for $20/serving with takeout or I can make it at home for $6.
Also, adults do things they find boring or unpleasant. Parents listen to their kids talk about planets because they love their children even though the conversation is super boring since most adults know about planets.
Friends listen to their friends talk about how Bob or Jill once again left the laundry next to the bin instead of putting it in the bin. Being an adult isn’t all fun.
My prediction is that one day after you sabotage food yet again, your partner will take a long hard look at the relationship and realize that he wants a partner who can share chores and that some days he would love to come home and have his partner cook dinner instead of it always being him.” riley125
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. I understand restaurants are available and do have healthy options too, but not everyone wants to or has the budget to eat out multiple times a week or the ability to hire a chef. You don’t have to enjoy cooking to be able to make a decent meal. There are tons of simple dishes with minimal effort you can do for the days you cook.
Sheet pan meals are really good and most only involve the meat, cutting a few veggies, seasoning, and olive oil. And what about a crock pot or an instant? Easy peasy. You two should agree that your night to cook isn’t going to be gourmet.
It does kind of suck he is being a bit pushy about this and he should understand that cooking isn’t everyone’s thing – it is one of those things that is necessary for everyone to do at some level.
I get the impression he is just trying to help you out with a skill you should already have and maybe his approach to this isn’t the best. You did mention you didn’t like his teaching style. Maybe you could look into a class or ask a friend who cooks well to help and see if their style works better for you.
Either way, there is no reason a person shouldn’t be able to make themselves and their family a good meal.
What I also did not read is any compromise to him doing the bulk of the cooking. Are you doing the cleanup? Did you offer to do another chore around the house instead, like all the laundry or something?” shutesiepootsie
Another User Comments:
“YTJ not only for using weaponized incompetence but for being deliberately obtuse about why he’s trying to teach you to cook in the first place. He’s not looking for a fun new hobby you two can share, so convincing him that it’s ‘not a pleasant experience for you’ is not addressing the actual issue.
He wants you to pull your weight around the kitchen and be appreciative of the enormous amount of effort he outlays to keep you fed every day. From your phrasing, it sounds like you just take his cooking labor for granted like it’s either no bother for him to do it or he derives pleasure from always being the cook, but his actions imply otherwise.
Your refusing to cook doesn’t just deprive your partner of the opportunity to teach you, as you seem to think (???), it deprives him of you doing anything to get off your butt and be an equal partner in the relationship. Some couples work something out where one partner cooks and another cleans or something, but it doesn’t sound like that’s what’s happening here.
So you are not only refusing to take your partner’s contributions seriously and treat him with respect but to accomplish that you’re wasting funds and sabotaging meals that, let’s be real, YOU are not going to fix. He is.
This reminds me of that post where the guy’s SO cooked every meal and he wanted to never take her out to eat again, because why should he if it’s cheaper when she just does everything herself?
He got dumped, by the way. If you want to avoid the same thing, I would pull my head out of my butt right quick.” waterfireandstones
9. AITJ For Restarting A Video Game With My Stepdaughter?
“I had been wanting Animal Crossing, and it finally went on sale Christmas 2021, so I bought it for myself and my partner’s daughter (10-year-old, with us usually every other weekend).
I addressed the present ‘To The Family’ and my partner unwrapped it. Kiddo ended up being the first to play the next day, neither of us realizing that she would be the island’s resident representative, tasked with starting/finishing quests and making larger decisions.
So, when I played and noticed I wasn’t getting the same options, I looked up the situation and realized the conundrum.
I was annoyed. For a farm-based simulation game that operates in real-time, having my 10-year-old who’s here less than 50% of the year be the main character seemed silly and a waste of time and $50. But, I didn’t want to hurt her feelings and suggested that I could use her profile to complete quests.
She begrudgingly agreed.
She went back to her mom’s new year’s eve, having put in less than a week of gameplay (4-6 hours maybe?), and I tried out the back-and-forth play of farming on my profile, dropping items, saving, gathering, talking to the necessary non-player character, and finishing quests. And it was frustrating. Why jump through all these hoops when I had farmed those materials?
What do I do with the rewards she receives when I had done the work? How confusing will it be when she returns and doesn’t get certain introductions because her profile already received an explanation?
I made the decision to restart the game. I wrote up a message to the kiddo stating my reasonings and sent it to her.
She wanted me to make the same choices on the island layout, tent location, and island name and said it was sad, but understood. I also was deleting everything I’d established so far, which was more extensive than she even had.
I took pictures of our characters and houses and deleted the saved data.
Kiddo texted me later, saying it was ‘heartbreaking’ and that she wanted to be the island representative.
I FaceTimed her and she made sad puppy dog eyes, but I made my case again and pointed out that it was already deleted.
Now I’ve begun the restart and, of course, the island layouts, fruits, and non-player characters are random, but I chose an island I feel kiddo will like (with a heart-shaped lake!) and our fruit is peaches (which look like little butts!) and my friend said you can get specific non-player characters later, too.
Kiddo hasn’t come back yet (they got >4 feet of snow at her mom’s), and I know she’s gonna be disappointed getting through the first week of gameplay again, but I really feel this was the best option for our combined play: I have time and patience for farming, and she can play as she sees fit without having to care about the growth of the island.
(Also, I may be getting her a Switch Lite for her birthday in September, but she doesn’t know.)
In the end, I wanted a better gaming experience for myself… but also for her! But a lot for me… so, am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, and like others already said, I think a lot of the harsher replies come from people that have never played Animal Crossing New Horizons.
While I do agree that it would have probably been best to just get it as a gift for yourself, I totally get why someone wouldn’t look up the possibility of only one island being available beforehand. I mean, it’s a weird design choice from Nintendo and with other games not having those restrictions, I wouldn’t expect this or look up that specific thing either.
I have nearly 1000 hours I believe in Animal Crossing now and the game is a lot about grinding, often as the island representative, so not restarting would have probably led to you not being able to ever really play the game. And you tried making things work the way they were before.
Yes, it sucks for your stepdaughter, but I don’t think either one of you is at fault for Nintendo making bad design choices.
And just because she’s the child doesn’t mean you can’t also enjoy the game. As I said, I have nearly 1000 hours despite being an adult and you should be able to enjoy the game too. In the end, the both of you should be having fun not just her because she’s still a child, which some commenters seem to believe.
And I think you actually try to make good choices for both of you by leaving the option open to restart the game again with her if she wants. But I guess the best thing would be if you could manage to actually get her that switch lite so she can play herself, otherwise it may never really feel like her island because she’s just not around too often.
Oh, and like others suggested, giving her some stuff so she doesn’t start with nothing again (if both of you decide to keep the new island) would probably help. And maybe try to include her in some island decisions and let her have her own space on the island to decorate, so it feels more like the island belongs to the both of you.” xFyerra
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Firstly, this wasn’t a family gift, this is a game you bought yourself that you will let your step-daughter play on from time to time. Wrapping it under the tree doesn’t give this impression to others. Secondly, if it really was best for the gameplay that you were the resident representative, you should have waited until your stepdaughter was there and restarted the island together.
That way she would still be involved and part of the family gift rather than being told that all her progress and choices are being deleted because her stepmother is more important. It sounds like she is with her mum this weekend and you next weekend so I recommend that you restart and play together to set up the island, with you as the rep if that seems important and she agrees but with her very much involved in setting up.” Qatmil
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, and it seems like a lot of the people voting YTJ don’t understand how video games work. Four hours of gameplay is NOTHING, it won’t be difficult for her to rebuild everything she had in the previous save. Furthermore, she’s 10. I’ve never played Animal Crossing, but most of the ten-year-olds I know are still figuring out how to play video games.
A ten-year-old might not understand some of the mechanics of Resident Representative, delaying the gameplay of everyone on the island. On top of that, you need the Resident Representative to progress in the game, but she is at her mother’s part-time and CAN’T log in and play. If multiple people are playing on the same island, it makes the most logical sense for the Resident Representative to be an adult that has full-time access to the Switch.
That being said, it’s always a good idea to research a video game before you buy, especially if you’re going to be letting younger kids have access to it. Sometimes games can seem age appropriate but DEFINITELY AREN’T.” User
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Why give ‘the family’ a game that you really just wanted for yourself?
Just get yourself the game. You can explain it all you want, but all your stepdaughter will see is that you gave her a Christmas present and then destroyed everything she made. Also, you are firmly the jerk for insinuating she was trying to emotionally manipulate you with her ‘sad puppy-dog eyes,’ when she was probably just being genuine with her emotions because, y’know, she’s a CHILD.
And also for ignoring her request to keep her choices in the new game, and trying to rationalize your indifference to her by claiming you chose things she would like. Uh, no, she TOLD you what she liked, and you ignored it. The mental gymnastics you are performing to make yourself feel better is really quite impressive.” BaroquenDesert
8. AITJ For Refusing To Take Full Responsibility For My Daughter's Mistakes?
“When my daughter was younger, she was a very sweet child who never got into much trouble. When she turned 15, we had to move due to my job being transferred. She was not happy with this at all and we didn’t blame her. We tried to help her settle in as best we could but she thoroughly resented us for that choice.
She ended up falling in with a bad group of kids, managing to hide a lot of stuff from us. We had thought she had finally made friends and was doing well until her grades began to tank, and eventually, she was suspended for drinking. Eventually, she got pregnant at 16 and admitted that she had gotten addicted to substances.
We got her into rehab and she chose to terminate the pregnancy. A year later, she was doing a lot better but got pregnant yet again and chose to parent. The first few years, she did pretty well and was raising her son. Then she relapsed and started using again. We ended up with custody of her son when she went to prison.
She served three years.
Now, our daughter is 28, her son is 11 years old and we still have custody of him as she’s struggled to remain sober. In the 8 years he’s been in our care, we’ve had to prioritize him over her, as he deserved a stable life. Recently, our daughter was ‘saved’ (we were never religious) and it’s led to her being sober for close to a year now.
She’s engaged and in therapy. She sees her son a lot more and we were happy with the changes she’s been making. She asked if we’d attend therapy with her and we agreed, as we would like a better relationship with her.
In therapy, she shared she felt that our moving kickstarted all of her problems. She said if we never moved, she never would’ve gotten hooked on substances or pregnant so young.
I wasn’t shocked by this, as it’s something she’s told us time and time again, whenever we spoke about her getting sober. The therapist asked us how that made us feel and I was honest, saying that I’ll take accountability for not noticing something was going on sooner but she also needs to take accountability.
Our moving was unavoidable and the rest of her siblings managed to adjust fine. She also needed to realize the misery she had put us through. The therapist told us that everyone’s feelings were valid and now that they are out, we can move forward.
Except my daughter doesn’t want to. She says until I take full responsibility for how her life turned out, she’s done trying with me.
My husband says that maybe we did screw up by moving but I don’t think so. If we hadn’t, we wouldn’t have been able to provide for our family. AITJ for refusing to take full responsibility?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and here’s why: you did take accountability. You didn’t blame her. You put her in therapy straight away.
You paid her medical bills (I presume). You took in her son meaning that because of her choices (to get pregnant, to have the child, to take illegal substances), you’re raising a child well past the age where you wanted to be raising children. I’ve no doubt you love your grandson but she’s taken your retirement years from you.
You have accepted that and you’re not holding that over her. You have fully taken accountability.
Accountability doesn’t actually mean lying down and accepting being treated like dirt by her for years because you did something wrong previously; once accountability is taken, everyone moves on. She doesn’t want to move on, she wants someone to treat her badly, to externalize her complicated feelings.
She shows a very immature understanding of the term.
She can’t keep coming back to the same thing. It’s like a murderer demanding a retrial until they’re found innocent, with the only cause to doubt the guilty verdict being that they don’t like it. If your daughter is unable to live with herself and the misery she caused you, her siblings, and her son, that’s now her problem, she is 28.
Don’t hold it against her too much. Her church and fiancé are probably preaching ‘forgive others’ meaning ‘blame others and look like a good person by saying you forgive them but actually holding it over them for the rest of their life’. I don’t think she has been ‘saved’, she’s just in the clutches of a new addiction.
But it is her choice. If she ever realizes, she will probably blame you for not pushing her to leave this church, but if you pushed her now she’d say it was disrespecting her autonomy. (I am religious myself so no shade to people finding faith, but this all just sounds a little suspicious to me.)
I’m sorry you’re in this position. You sound like a good mother who tried her best. It’s not your fault that your daughter is someone with no emotional resilience. Some people just don’t have it and have to be the victim. She has to build that up for herself. She will go through cycle after cycle of people initially validating her that she was wronged or put in a bad spot.
But unfair as it is, it’s only she who can turn things around.
You taking responsibility for something that’s not your fault wouldn’t help her. It would just enable her probably toxic church to sink its teeth into her more. She needs to understand for herself that only she can address her problems, even if they weren’t her fault.
Doing that is one of the hardest parts of growing up. And she might be sober but she hasn’t grown up.” HiddenDestiny251
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
This is a difficult one for sure OP. I don’t think it’s your fault that your daughter made a lot of bad choices, and it’s extremely unhealthy for her to be holding onto this poison pill.
I want to be fair. Is it difficult for a teen to be upped and moved away from the home that they love and where their friends and life are? Yes, but it’s hard for more than just teens. You also did not do anything to her in fact, this is something that happened to all of you, and by your own words, it was unavoidable.
She didn’t have to like the move! That’s her right. As a teen, she was likely going to rebel, but there wasn’t a single thing that made this all happen. This was a series of bad decisions after bad decisions.
I think what happened to her is heartbreaking and I’m sure it was for you and your other kids to watch her go through that.
However, she doesn’t get to throw this all on you. You made her move, but you didn’t make her try illegal stuff, you didn’t make her choose the people she associated with, and you didn’t make her get pregnant.
Just because these things happened after the move and because she was lashing out at the move does not mean that she was not making those decisions on her own.
The problem now is she is 28, and it’s clear she still hasn’t been able to learn self-reflection. I really do hope the therapy helps and I hope that continued visits help her come to terms and allow everyone to grow and reconcile.” antonio-bolonio
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but people who are vulnerable to addiction often fixate on pedantic matters.
Why is this relevant? You are consistent that the move was ‘the best option for the family’. Your daughter may be demanding you take ‘full responsibility’ as a reaction to that phrase. Because for her, that move was not ‘the best option’, it was the worst option.
The two aren’t mutually exclusive. It can be the worst thing for her and still better overall for the family as a whole, but she may feel like she is not part of the family because she’s told: ‘it was the best option for the family’.
But she doesn’t necessarily consciously realize this is what’s troubling her, to her, it manifests emotionally as a feeling of ‘Mom and Dad won’t take responsibility’ so she makes these demands.
Again NONE of this invalidates your stance, nor the fact that you were RIGHT and she can’t move forward until she understands that she was accountable.
I just thought a possible spin on why she’s clinging to this one factor.” DazzlingAssistant342
She 44 and has to kids, she lost custody of when they were 10 abd 12, who are now adults.
7. AITJ For Wanting My Own Space In My House?
“I have a big household for the amount of space in the house. In my house, there are my parents, my two brothers, my sister, my grandpa, my aunt, and me (19F).
My sister and I share a room. Sure, sharing rooms sucked growing up but we got used to it. My aunt and grandpa have their own rooms, though my aunt has been unofficially moved out for two years now. She lives with her partner out of town and only comes home occasionally for maybe less than a week in total out of a whole year.
The problem is that when I went to college, my sister (12F) was very excited to have her own room for the first time. She got a new bed, painted her walls, and bought decorations. I was happy for her, but that meant they threw out the bunk bed we used to share. All my stuff went into boxes in the garage.
(This happened less than a month after I left for school, by the way). I felt like this was really uncalled for because it wasn’t like I was moving out.
I was still visiting home every few weeks, and I had breaks in school also. Where would I sleep during those times? My parents told me to just stay in my sister’s room, but that would mean sleeping on the floor and also invading her privacy which she deserves.
I felt like if they wanted me to stay with my sister on my trips home, they should have at least kept the bunk bed. Now that I’m back for a month-long Christmas break, I’ve been sleeping on the floor in my sister’s room or on the couch.
Finally, I asked if it would be okay for me to stay in my aunt’s room since she’s hardly home.
My parents said it was fine, so I moved my luggage and sheets there. However, with the holiday season, they’ve been offering the room to other relatives when they come into town. This again forces me not only to sleep somewhere uncomfortable but to have to move my stuff. Every time I have to move my stuff and find a temporary place for it, I feel discarded.
Finally, I called it out. My cousin is having a wedding, and we have relatives in town. My dad told me to clean out my stuff from my aunt’s room, as an uncle would stay there. I told him that he shouldn’t be offering up our house to other people when we hardly had enough beds for the people already living here.
I said while it would be nice for them to stay at our home, they are adults and can afford a hotel.
At this point, my dad said that they’re family and we should offer everything we have for them, plus that I’m young and can afford a few nights on the floor.
He called me disrespectful for telling him what to do with his house. While I understand that, the fact that they got rid of my stuff and room so quickly makes me feel like I don’t have a place in this house. I agree it’s only for a few nights, but I still feel upset.
It would be different if I had my own place, but my dorm is temporary and after college, I’ll likely return to living with my parents. Where will I sleep then? While I could be the jerk for talking back, I feel like my anger is reasonable.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You’re still there part-time and presumably, will need to go back once you graduate until you get a job and save up enough for rent/mortgage and basic furniture, utensils, and appliances.
Morally, a designated space should still be kept for you at this point.
Brace yourself. Dad is sending you the message that you’re not really welcome back except for special occasions and wants you out of the nest. He’ll make you miserable until you have enough to leave. Some parents believe in cutting their kids off once they’re of legal age and doing no more than what’s legally required of them, perhaps to ensure they get the message they can’t stay forever – and you have one of them.” Pale_Cranberry1502
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for requesting a stable place to sleep.
Just avoid yelling and fighting.
It sounds like they didn’t plan things out properly. Before college, they should have talked to you about plans for the room, and about how to handle the things you didn’t take to college with you. It sounds like you were living in dorms, and I know those close during breaks.
Your parents should have planned for that. If you didn’t have an apartment and had nowhere else to go but home, they should have been more accommodating. They could at least get a futon pad for you.” Eleanor_Willow
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If your dad thinks a few nights on the floor is fine, start making a huge show of it.
Take a nap in the living room while they are entertaining. Or on the kitchen floor while they are trying to cook dinner. If anyone asks you about it just say: ‘Dad says the floor is my bed when I am home. This floor is as good as any other.’ Then go up to bed before they do and sleep diagonally across their bed.” Constant_Camera3452
6. AITJ For Being Mad When My Baby Was Taken Out After A Snowstorm?
“So my (m30) 8-week-old baby was taken by her mom (f28) for a drive today because she wanted to get out of the house. I was going to be home around 4:45 pm and the mom took her out around 3:30 pm.
We had a bad snowstorm the day before where we got 24” of snow and broke 60-year snowfall records. The roads are horrible right now because it’s unusually heavy snowfall so there is ice, packed snow, and water on the roads. She has studded winter tires on her car and grew up in Alaska so she’s no stranger to snow but I told her to bring our 8-week-old daughter home even though she was going to get food with a friend.
Keep in mind the place she was going is in a county that has declared a state of emergency and activated the national guard. She’s upset with me now and hasn’t talked to me or helped with the baby in over 12 hours because ‘I embarrassed her in front of her friend’. Should I not have been so concerned about her adventure and AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“So ‘the mom’, who’s born and raised in a state with some of the harshest environmental conditions, decides to take your 2-month-old to lunch the day after a snowstorm while you were at work. Obviously, the storm, though bad, was not bad enough for you to call off from work, which means conditions were drivable.
And as someone raised in upstate NY, I know that 2ft of snow, with the right tires and the right vehicle, the day AFTER a storm, when you’re used to snowy conditions, can be drivable as long as you’re a careful driver.
And as a parent, I totally understand being concerned, but so concerned that you don’t even let her have lunch?
She was already on her way. You could have easily texted and said ‘hey so road’s are awful, please be careful and text me when you’re there/coming home so I know you’re safe!’
So either you don’t trust ‘the mom’ with your child to do something that people do literally all the time, or this isn’t so much about the storm as it is you questioning her parenting, and the baby is only 8 weeks old.
YTJ for having so little faith that an actual Alaskan can’t drive in snowy conditions like, LOL, what.
Also, PS, a declared state of emergency doesn’t necessarily mean you have to stay inside or that things will stay bad for the entire duration of the declaration. The National Guard is called in because they can amass lots of people quickly to plow through the snow, usually overnight or early morning.
One county in an SOE just means they need more help clearing snow. We went into an SOE all the time but still had to attend school just a 2-hour delay so I still don’t see why you made her come home…” fayeveee
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. LOL. What is everyone talking about? People live in houses to avoid bad weather.
Driving around in the snow is dangerous. If you’re alone, go for it but be careful not to cause an accident. Taking an 8-week-old out in it, or any kid for that matter is incredibly irresponsible. And ice, black ice, slush, come on! Studded tires or not, a State of Emergency means to stay the heck home.
If my husband did what OP’s wife did I’d be simultaneously annoyed and devastated that my husband was so nearsighted.
Has anyone here ever been in a car accident in adverse weather? I have, so I can’t bend my head back anymore. Does everyone here have kids? I do, so imagining them being in the car with me while I, like OP’s wife, drove around seems crazy to me now.
It’s the action of a naive and inexperienced person.
OP, you’re not wrong. There are actually a lot of people, mostly middle-aged people, that will tell you to avoid driving around with kids in the snow unless absolutely necessary. I’m sorry if standing your ground causes you grief, but I would.” charliethecrow
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
If you were truly worried about your ex driving in the snow with the baby. Calling her and stressing her out so much that she turns around and comes back is not the way to handle it. Having a calm conversation when she comes back about how she made you feel and what to do going forward is.
Upsetting someone when they have to drive in poor conditions is a terrible plan.
She needs to be out of the house, you should probably have a conversation with her about how you can help her not feel so claustrophobic. Getting her nails done or having friends over doesn’t cut it. Her entire life has changed. Her independence is gone.
She is possibly feeling trapped. It’s normal for a new mother. You giving her orders will not help this feeling.
Instead, ask that she wait till you get home to leave so you can stay with the baby and have some bonding time. And she can have some personal time.
Poor you, had to care for your own child for 12 hours huh if the baby is 8 months old and you are complaining about caring for the baby for 12 hours I bet ‘the mom’ hasn’t had a break for those 5,760 hours.” User
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, she more than you. As a Scandinavian, driving in such bad weather is always dangerous, regardless of skill. It doesn’t matter if you’ve lived in Alaska, it’s still very dangerous. Sure, it’s not necessary to just completely stop driving during such circumstances, however, it is very unnecessary to put your baby’s life at risk because you just ‘want to get out of the house’.
You were right to be concerned, however not to then demand her to drive back before arriving at her friend’s house and eating. It wouldn’t make any difference if she was to eat with her friend first.
She is also the jerk because refusing to talk to you AND take care of the baby is just stupid.
Why should she punish you for caring about the baby? And why should she punish you for not taking care of her baby? She can’t just abandon her responsibility as a parent because she’s angry at you.” JesusKvistus
5. AITJ For Telling My Mom To Stop Being Immature?
“My (24m) partner (23f) and I live with my parents. We pay rent for our room, and we work for my dad at the family business. We produce and manufacture vintage car restoration parts. It’s a small business, but it’s a living and I’ll take it over one day most likely. My partner started working for my dad 6 months ago, and she started managing one of our main manufacturing bays (painting and sewing interior kits).
She is the only woman in the ‘family’ who works in the warehouse and not the office, (She’s not the only woman in the warehouse, just the only one in the family) and is our youngest manager. It’s hard work and my dad pays her a good amount for it.
My mother hasn’t always worked for the business but did recently in the last couple of years.
She mostly works around 10-15 hours a week and comes in when she wants, and her position isn’t too serious. (She runs payroll and the refunds.) My dad pays her a $200-a-week salary. She has always voiced how ‘unfair’ she finds this, even though they have joint accounts. He pays her that mostly for tax purposes.
I don’t get involved with it, but she always tried to get me and my siblings involved in the matter (we all work for the business). When my mom found out how much my partner was making after only working there for a few months she was extremely upset and blew up on my dad and everyone in the office.
Since then she has acted passive-aggressive, especially to my partner.
The other day my partner was working with some harsh chemicals and a very sudden migraine came on, and she had to leave. I knew it was serious because my partner never leaves work, ever. She couldn’t drive herself home and we carpool anyway so I was going to drive her home, but I was working on something that couldn’t be paused so my father asked my mother to drive her home.
I worked for the rest of the day, went to get my partner Starbucks, and drove home.
When I walked in I could hear very loud music coming from the kitchen. My and my partner’s room is closest to the kitchen. I found my mother in the kitchen cooking. She paused the music as soon as I came in, and when she saw the coffee in my hand loudly said ‘where’s mine?
I like coffee too, you know!’ I just ignored her and walked into our room to give my partner the coffee, but when I went in I found her in bed in tears. I asked her what was wrong and she explained that when my mother drove her home she had started playing loud music in the car, and turned it on again when they got home.
My partner had asked her multiple times to turn it down but my mother ignored her and so she just tried to drown it out with a pillow over her head.
When I heard this I was floored. I walked out and found my mother and started going in on her. I told her that she needed to stop being immature and get over herself.
My mother yelled back some, but eventually left and refused to come home for 2 days. My dad and brothers have asked me to apologize to her to get her to come home, but I refused. My partner and I are looking into getting an apartment. AITJ?
Edit: My dad doesn’t pay my mom more because she won’t commit to coming in and working full-time.
We never know when she is coming in, or if she is, but as long as she shows up to do payroll my dad doesn’t care. He has told her that if she wants him to pay her more she needs to come in full-time, but like I said my dad already earns a lot and when she’s not at work she’s out and about.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, dude, hoooooooly cow, as someone who gets migraines there’s a special place in the underworld reserved for people who do what your mother just did to your partner. Honestly, I would consider it borderline assault. For those who don’t know, when you get a migraine your senses are dialed up to 100, and every little noise sends shooting pain to your head, along with every other symptom.
Your mother obviously knew this and went a step ahead of herself to torture your partner because she wasn’t happy with how much pay she got. This is extremely narcissistic and dangerously alarming behavior. Get out my friend, get out and run for the hills. Absolutely do not apologize for anything you did here, your brother and dad need to stop enabling this woman’s narcissism.” AgentStarkiller
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You did a good thing, standing up for your partner. That’s what you’re supposed to do. Mom, on the other hand, is completely in the wrong. She and your dad need to talk. That’s on her and your father. I mean, if your dad doesn’t want to pay her because they have joint accounts, that makes sense.
But if this is a problem for your mom, then maybe he should change it, or – better yet – fire her. If she doesn’t understand why he does it this way (what adult wouldn’t?) then she needs to get a different job where no nepotism is involved. Besides, it’s not like your partner enjoys all the proceeds of the business because she shares an account with your dad.
Your mom is a headcase. Sorry, man, but it’s true. Get away from her as soon as feasibly possible.” Psychsarepeopletoo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I am horrified by your mother’s deliberately cruel act of playing loud music to torment your partner during a migraine. Particularly since she is taking out her unjustified frustration with your father out on an innocent party.
If your mother wants the same wages as your partner, she should develop the same skills and work ethic.
I hope you can soon find a place of your own.
Unsolicited advice – there’s an ointment called Tiger Balm that often eases the intensity of my migraines when applied behind my ears and at that little notch at the base of my skull.
Several friends that tried it have reported similar results, not all but more than half. Not exactly a clinical trial but it’s safe & cheap, so maybe worth seeing if she gets results, too. (Get the original one that comes in a small container, not the muscle rub in the larger tub).” rapt2right
4. AITJ For Not Lying To A Kid?
“My mom passed away 18 months ago and I moved in with my grandma. 13 months before she passed away, another family member gave me my biological father’s real name. My mom never knew it, she tried to find him with the name he had given her, but that was it. This family member knew him enough to know his name and where he lived. A DNA test was done and he wanted to be part of my life after not knowing about me for 15 years.
I didn’t want to move in with him but I was given no choice in the matter.
He lives with his wife Jean, her son (11), her daughter (9), and their 3-year-old and 1-year-old together.
My biological father has been really invested in trying to make me part of his family, has pulled out all the stops and has put me in the position of being a big sister to the other kids in the house by coming up with stuff for us to do together, doing photoshoots with all five of us and stuff of that general nature…
I have never felt it. I was good without a dad. I had my mom, I have another family. I don’t really have this desire to know this man or his family and more than anything I want to go back to my family. Jean hates me for this. She thinks I should be super glad they welcomed me and that I should be doing everything possible to be super close with them.
The other day her son asked me if I wouldn’t be part of the family again someday like I was before last year. I told him probably, that I’d like to go home and be with my family again. Jean overheard this and she went nuts. When my father found out he was upset I wouldn’t be more loving toward a kid who ‘thinks of me as his sister’ though I think it’s way too soon for that to be happening but what do I know?
I was told it was wrong to say that to him. I asked if I should have lied. Jean said yes. She said kids don’t need to know the truth.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but you are in dire need of counseling. You have suffered tremendous losses in a short amount of time, and no matter how welcoming your bio dad and his family are trying to be, this is a gigantic burden on your shoulders you had little to no time to come to terms with.
They want you to be part of their family, but you still have so much healing to do, you can’t be open to new connections when your emotions are so clogged up by sadness.
Please tell them that you need professional help to deal with this situation, and to give you time. If it doesn’t work out, after all, there’s no harm in moving to another relative and staying in contact.
You are obviously young, so if they don’t comply with your needs, call CPS.” KatKaleen
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But I do think you could have worded it much better. Probably you could have just said this is all very new to me and everyone and it’s just going to take time. You could even tell him you miss your family and where you used to live.
The bigger problem is your situation as a whole. You’re young and you’re grieving right now and there’s nothing wrong with your feelings. But I think you need to give it time. You’ve been thrown into a new situation with people you don’t know. Quite honestly, your feelings might change over time but you won’t know that unless you give it a try.
Maybe you can work out some sort of agreement with your father where you spend the summer with his family but you live with your aunt and uncle during the school year. Or maybe you reverse that and promise to live with him during the school year if you can spend the summer and holidays with your aunt and uncle.
I’m sure there’s a solution here and perhaps with the help of a therapist you all can figure this out.” Trixie-applecreek
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here (except for the little half-brother and father – when it comes to how he’s treating you now.)
You can be truthful with a child without being expressly cruel or sugarcoating.
There is a balance and it sounds like you opted to edge closer to cruel because your boundaries aren’t being respected. But the little kid isn’t the source of those issues, so you shouldn’t be taking it out on him. You could have just as easily said, ‘I don’t know. I really miss my family and if I can go back to them, I will.
But that doesn’t mean I don’t like you.’ The wife would likely have still been upset, but at least that kid would know if you leave, it’s not because of him personally.
You’re actively grieving two very close family members. It’s normal for someone going through that to not be in a place to be thrust into an entirely new home and family.
That’s rough. They’re not jerks for trying to be there for you and you’re not a jerk for wanting to go back to familiar territory. The wife is wrong for asserting that you should just be grateful, being angry with you over that, expecting you to instantly be an older sibling with enthusiasm when you grew up as an only child, and insisting that you outright lie to her child.
I hope that someone familiar to you is willing to take you in because grieving throws you all out of sorts as it is without having to navigate new relationships and a new home. I also hope that you find your way into accepting the love your father is trying to offer you now and are able to form healthy relationships with your new family in the future.” jetfuel_o
I'm guessing you are about 17 based on the time frames in your post. You are grieving. You have had a terrible loss and finding your dad may feel like a replacement for the parent you don't have but it feels wrong and you don't want that.
You could've phrased what you said to your brother a bit nicer. He clearly likes you. Your dad and stepmom seem to really want you as part of their family. There are many people in your fathers position that would want nothing to do with you. Or have jealous partners and see you as a threat to them or their children.
My suggestion would be to talk to your dad and stepmom and let them know where you are at. You may feel very differently in time. That timeframe might be a lot shorter than you realise or it may be a lot longer. They are very welcoming so you should really consider keeping the lines of communication open. These people are still your bloodline and hold important information in regards to family history and medical history. But you probably can't see that now. Your children will also be interested if you ever have them.
And you should probably consider some counselling or therapy to unpack all that's happened in the last couple of years.
3. AITJ For Not Saying I Am Irish?
“I have Irish great, great grandparents. I live in England, as have all of my relatives since 1910. I have recently started to have an American live with me, and she introduces herself to people as ‘Irish’.
Now, I know Americans do this weird thing where they believe they are where their ancestors came from. We Europeans find this hilarious, but what are ya gonna do?
Recently, I have been researching my family history and she got involved. She is now saying that I should go around saying I am ‘Irish’ otherwise it is disrespectful to my ancestors.
The problem is I am not Irish. I am English. I don’t know Irish culture. I have never been to Ireland. I am English.
I would argue she isn’t Irish either since she has never been to Ireland or knows Irish culture but, still, she can introduce herself however she wants.
She is getting incredibly upset that I am refusing to say I am Irish and she has even started to introduce me as her Irish friend. I told her to stop, and she got annoyed
I mean, where do you draw the line on ancestors anyway? Should I introduce myself as African because all my ancestors started out in Africa? No.
So, AITJ for not saying I am Irish?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here
She wants to take 1/8th of your heritage and claim that’s 100% which it clearly isn’t.
What about your other great great grandparents? Wouldn’t you be disrespecting them by claiming you’re Irish and ignoring your heritage from the other sides of the family?
What about if we go back even further to find that your great great great great great… great great grandfather was Roman or something. Should you claim that you’re Italian instead?
People can come from a mixture of heritages, but the one you grow up in often has the biggest impact on your life. Claim whatever heritage you feel the most connected to.
That said, I don’t think she’s being a jerk either. She’s wrong and misinformed. But it doesn’t sound like it’s escalated to jerkery.” KnavishLagorchestes
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, though if you want the ‘why’ people from north America do that, it’s because the nations of Canada and the USA are only about 200 years old and primarily populated by immigrants and the descendants of immigrants, so knowing and having personal traditions from your flavor of immigrant is an element of the ‘melting pot’ culture (abandoning individual cultures and eventually becoming fully assimilated into the predominant society) that doesn’t seem to translate to other parts of the world.
Add to that that the kinda folks that loudly declare they are AMERICANS and not FOREIGNERS are not the kinda folks reasonable people want to be associated with (many people who say they are just Americans are fine, most even, but squeaky wheel).
People are genuinely delighted when I use Yorkshire words my mum and grandma passed down to me (tooshiepegs being the consistent favorite).
Some people are annoying about it though, even to the rest of us. She is one of those people.” Wrong-Construction40
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Neither of you is grasping the differences between how different cultures conceptualize cultural identity.
America is less a singular culture and more a collection of diaspora. To say you are ‘Irish’ or ‘Italian’ or ‘Scottish’ or ‘Filipino’ or ‘Chinese’ is to say ‘I am the child of immigrants from that place.’ This is incredibly important to American identity, as the immigrant story is more often than not one of trying to keep your cultural knowledge alive against the odds.
You say you’re Irish because your grandmother whose parents came from Ireland told her she was Irish and she then told you ‘you are Irish.’ You say you are Irish to honor the memory of your grandmother and great-grandmother and to add context to your family traditions. To claim an identity other than plain American is also a tacit acknowledgment that the only true Americans are Native Americans.
Mocking that history as silly or weird betrays a deep lack of understanding and respect when it comes to the American experience and the immigrant history of the United States.
On the other hand, you are not American and do not have the same ties to your ancestry. You were not told you were Irish growing up: you were told you were English.
You were raised English. You are English. You do not need to think of yourself as Irish to have a ‘place.’ She should back off and respect your identity and heritage, just as you should back off and respect hers.” itsmaruyes
2. AITJ For Being Straightforward With My Mother-In-Law?
“I did a home birth and one reason I wanted that was so the family could meet him immediately because I know health protocols would prevent that in the hospital. I guess I just assumed most people would want to meet their grandson as soon as possible, but he was born on MIL’s husband’s birthday and when my husband called, she said she wasn’t going to leave her husband on his birthday to meet the baby.
My husband was a bit surprised and said she got huffy when he questioned her, so he dropped it.
MIL came over today to meet him. My beautiful baby boy is 2 months now and my husband was so proud to show him off. It came up that MIL was the last to meet him due to everyone coming the day he was born, and MIL was just like yeah well it was my husband’s birthday.
My husband said that seemed kind of weird to him (it wasn’t a milestone) and MIL told us we are weird for thinking she would leave him on his birthday.
I maybe shouldn’t have said this but I said that seems childish. It wasn’t a milestone. They could have done something another day, and does he really need her the full 24 hours?
MIL snapped at me that I’m ridiculous for thinking she would put someone else’s child above her husband, and we put our family first, so how dare we not think she is going to do the same?
I dropped it but the rest of the visit was a bit tense. My husband says I was in the right and it needed to be said.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – while I agree with your expectations that MIL would want to meet her new grandbaby, that’s not how she feels. You are holding her to your expectations and she isn’t meeting them. Everyone has their own priorities. You may disagree with them, you may think it’s sad, and you may be deeply disappointed. But they are her priorities and you need to find a way to let them go.
That she is not the grandma that you want her to be.
The sooner that you and your husband accept that this is who she is and she isn’t interested in the same level of visiting that you expect, the quicker you will be at peace and accept the level of involvement that she is willing to give.
You can’t make her do something that she doesn’t want to do. She is an adult and makes conscious decisions. You need to find a way to accept what it is.
By the way, my MIL was very similar. As soon as I realized I just had to accept that she was not like my grandma, that she is who she is, life got less stressful for me.
My child had a lot of love and attention from others so he didn’t miss that grandma was not very involved.” Buttercup303
Another User Comments:
“Yikes. YTJ for multiple reasons:
YTJ for your attitude towards protocols with a newborn and literally being upset that you didn’t have MORE adults crowding around immediately after your son was born.
Are you completely scientifically illiterate or just eager to endanger your child? Who wants as many people near a newborn as possible in the middle of a global crisis?
YTJ for acting like your baby should be the center of everyone’s universe. No one is required to jump to attention, throw everything else aside, and race to your baby just because you think nothing else matters.
Not even a grandparent. Yes, I find it a bit odd that she waited two whole months. On the other hand, I find it a bit odd that YOU invited her (and apparently as many other people as you could), but not her husband. I assure you, the baby didn’t notice whether she was there on the day of his birth or not.
It was one day in the course of his entire lifetime. I love my second niece more than life itself, but I didn’t meet her until she was a week old, because of various circumstances. It’s just not that big a deal.
YTJ just for being really rude. Other people are allowed to have priorities that aren’t yours.
You aren’t the arbiter of everyone else’s life and ‘milestones’. You might want to stick a pin in that ego and deflate it a little.
In conclusion, yes, YTJ, and most importantly, you might want to stop endangering your baby for attention.” FoolMe1nceShameOnU
It actually sounds like there is so much more to the story with your MIL and this is one example. Has it really taken 2 months for her to even meet your baby! That's what's implied in your post.
Your expectation of everyone coming to meet the baby in the first few hours of birth was unrealistic. Many people like to give the new family a chance to get to know their baby before coming along and meeting them either later in the day if an early morning birth, or the next day. Labour is exhausting and you look like you have run a marathon (you have) and are tired (though you do get that adrenaline rush at birth that makes you feel alert for a little while). You are learning to breastfeed and may feel messy. Not everyone wants their extended family to see them half interesting and exhausted straight after the birth. And if they do not every family wants to see you like that either. The homebirth is neither here nor there so should not be any sort of focus on anyone's consideration of whether they visit you or not based on how you birthed - that is your choice to make and no one else's.
Having said that many people expect to be there at their grandchild's birth and can be quite pushy and if not at the birth want to be there minutes after.
Your MIL doesn't sound like she is a person that is particular interested in you or her grandchild. Your husband sounds like he has your back. So my suggestion would be to focus on the people that care about you the most and support you. And just don't bother with your MIL and it's their loss not yours or your child's. They have other family that will be who they need. They aren't missing out on a relationship where one party are not interested. All that does is lead to disappointment.
1. WIBTJ If I Throw Away My Mom's Stuff?
“My mom just made a new rule: if our things like clothes, books, or even our phones are lying around for longer than 12 hours she’ll throw them away.
No matter if you want to take a break from reading and leave the book out or if you simply forget to put your clothes away (mind you: not just the dirty clothes lying around on the floor, which barely happens in our house, she means the fresh ones she folded and put on the washing machine).
I barely have any things lying around but she still yelled at me for being really messy.
So when I got downstairs yesterday I found three of my things in the trash, which included my favorite shirt, two chocolates, and a dish that wasn’t even mine but belonged to my friend. She clearly didn’t care that it wasn’t even mine.
The dish wasn’t even in a place where it would have bothered her so she really went through everywhere just to find stuff to throw away.
Now to my question: would I be the jerk to also throw away her stuff? It seems like she’s the only exception to this rule and so many of her things are still in the place where they were a couple of days ago.
I don’t plan on actually throwing it away but it’s just not fair that the rule doesn’t apply to her. I feel like the rule is just stupid in general and I mean if you play stupid games you win stupid prizes.
I feel like it wouldn’t be respectful toward her but it’s also not really respectful toward me and the rest of my family.
We aren’t all that messy, especially not me and I feel like we could solve this issue in another way.
Edit: I pay most of my own bills, I do more chores than she does and I truly respect her. I am just sick of her random toxic outbursts where she yells at me for simply existing.
I am 19 and in my final year of high school right now (over here it’s 5 years long). I spend most of my free time doing chores. My mom has strong narcissistic and toxic tendencies. I have an ADHD diagnosis due to which I sometimes forget to put my stuff away when I am not on my meds but I am trying my best to never even take them out of my room.
I pay bills for my clothes, food, telephone bill, and a few smaller things. I can’t afford to move out since I don’t have an income and I pay for everything from my savings.
The things she threw away were out for like 2 hours.”
Another User Comments:
“Ah. NTJ. While you shouldn’t be throwing her stuff out, she shouldn’t be doing it to you either.
Aside from that, it’s expensive to replace everything thrown out, it’s also wrong. You are in a very toxic environment. Which you realize. When she is throwing out the stuff you paid for, she is stealing from you – in my opinion. You shouldn’t be having to pay for bills and other things at your age.
It blows my mind how many parents think this is acceptable. Your JOB is to get good grades and become more than what your parents were. I realize you can’t move out right now. But once you graduate you need a job and a bank account without her on it. People like her will probably steal your funds if you keep them in the house.” Quavein
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. This is a toxic environment, you contribute to the household and yet this household is being controlled entirely by the behavior of one person. it is incredibly unfair and I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Your solution is to turn into a toxic person as well and start setting up patterns to behave like her which is not good for you and the rest of your family.
What you need to do is start moving things around in your life so that you can get an income and get out.” JCBashBash
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I can see the appeal of doing this in this situation where your mother doesn’t respect you, your property nor the consequence of your medical situation.
If you go through with it, I hope it works. Although I am not optimistic in that regard. Your mother won’t learn either way, but it might make a point about her not messing with you. Though a more likely outcome is that she’ll just be angry and you’ll face even more awful treatment.
You would be the jerk if you actually throw her stuff away: That is illegal. So are your mom’s actions by the way.
Depending on country/jurisdiction/state: What she’s doing is likely either an outright crime or a tort (an action that isn’t criminal but results in civil liability). Your property is yours, even if it’s in your parents’ home until it could be considered abandoned, which it certainly can’t be within 12 hours.
Do with that information whatever you wish.
It may offer some potential ammo to launch if need be, and also to hold her accountable in the future if she throws away anything valuable, which may work to your benefit even after you move out, for the message it’ll send to her that you won’t let her walk all over you.” autobus22
Another User Comments:
“You would be the jerk.
It’s her house and as a working single Mother of two young boys myself, I get sick and tired of stuff being left around the house.
Maybe get off your backside and clean up after yourself. She’s not your maid and you presumably live under her roof rent-free. The least you can do is clean your things up.
Instead of whining about her rules on here, it would take the same amount of time and less effort to ask her what she needs help with and consistently do it.
She sounds like she’s at her wit’s end of repeating herself and this is the last resort.” ytsorFx
You have been groomed by their manipulation to be in the position that you are in.
You are not obligated to care for your parents at all. Neither are your siblings. But they are easing their guilt by manipulating you to be the person that does.
It is not your fault your parents haven't planned for their aged care needs. You are not their insurance policy.
Stop talking to them about moving out and just do it. Plan your moving out and then one day just be gone.. then you can let them know.
See a therapist to unpack the gaslighting and manipulation your entitled (possibly narcissistic) parents have heaped upon you. The fact that you are suicidal over the situation speaks volumes. And if you think about it, s*****e for you will mean they are in the same situation as if you moved out. So you might as well put yourself first (which you need to regardless) and move out and be happier and live the life you want.