People Wonder If Their Actions Were Unacceptable In Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
22. AITJ For Ditching My Family?
“So my 20th birthday is coming up. For context, it’s a normal thing to do birthday parties at my grandparents’ old house and since I was little I’ve always loved to celebrate it there. For this year my mom was very excited and asked the two siblings that currently live there if we could celebrate it there like we normally do.
My aunt agreed and was excited too but my uncle told her that it would be better for me if we went out to have dinner. I didn’t want to be rude and instantly deny so I said I would think about it. I personally never thought I would reach 20 so this is something really special for me and going to a restaurant wouldn’t be as private or comfortable as I would want to be.
My uncle managed to convince my aunt and this past week they have pressured my mom and me to make a reservation at a restaurant that they like and we both have constantly denied it.
Today after work, my mom said that she was doing the reservation and I asked her why, if I had already said no, she then continued to explain that my aunt and uncle are tired of always celebrating birthdays there and have wanted to go to that restaurant for quite some time now and how nice I would be if I did that favor for them.
I responded that I totally understand how tedious it is to organize and host parties and that their feelings are absolutely valid, I would not force them to do something if they didn’t want to, especially in their own home, however, I don’t feel like going out so my answer was still no. She wasn’t happy.
My dad called and asked me if I had plans for the weekend and I said no, then he happily asked if I wanted to go with him on a trip to his hometown and celebrate my birthday there and I immediately said yes. I don’t get to see my dad a lot so I think it’s a nice opportunity to spend some father-daughter quality time.
When I informed my mom about this, she was furious and called me ungrateful, spoiled, and cold-hearted, how ‘couldn’t I even make my family happy after everything they have done for me’ and think about what others feel?
I’m starting to feel bad for my aunt and uncle for not agreeing and feeling like a spoiled brat for asking too much.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“You are making your family happy. You’re making your dad happy and you’re making yourself happy. I agree with you, I can also understand why your aunt and uncle wouldn’t want to host a party but it was incredibly rude of them to want to go to a restaurant for YOUR birthday because THEY want to try it.
Most definitely not the jerk.” Bright_Sea_7567
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is YOUR birthday. You are an adult. You should spend your birthday how YOU want to spend it. This is no one’s business but yours. Everyone can still go to the restaurant. YOU just won’t be there.
As for your mother calling you ‘ungrateful, spoiled, and cold-hearted,’ just tell her those are some of the perks that you get to enjoy on your birthday.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! Spend time with your father, OP.
Your aunt and uncle don’t need your birthday as an excuse to go to this restaurant for dinner, so don’t feel bad that they’re trying to do so. If your mother is so concerned that your aunt and uncle ‘can’t’ go now, suggest she go with them herself and have a good time on your behalf.” Trouble_in_Mind
21. AITJ For Disregarding My Brother's Mental Illness?
“My (17F) twin brother and I have never gotten along. I am diagnosed with depression/anxiety and ADHD. My brother isn’t diagnosed with anything because he thinks there is ‘nothing wrong with him’, but my sister is certain he also has ADHD.
Basically, my main gripe with him is that he does absolutely nothing. He has no job, barely attends school (almost unable to graduate bc of absences), and has had bad grades (failing nearly all classes) since Elementary school.
To be honest I don’t really care about his grades or anything like that though. All I ask is that he helps around the house. For reference, I have good attendance and a job, and all As. I can still manage to do my chores which have always been more than his.
He plays video games for at least 3-5 hours a day after school and does no chores and hides our shared food in his room.
I constantly have to do his chore (taking out the garbage) because he lets it overflow until there are flies. I try to ask for help from my mom and older sister to get him to do something but they both disregard it as ‘his ADHD’. Once again he is not diagnosed.
The other day, he tells me that I am ‘doing the dishes too loudly’ and to stop doing it because he is trying to play video games (once again he had been playing for hours.
I told my family and they once again excused him. I basically just blew up and said that hiding food in your room and playing video games all day aren’t ADHD symptoms and even if they were then they should be getting him help instead of just excusing it. My mom told me I was nitpicking him and that I needed to learn how to ‘live with other people’.
My sister says there isn’t anything we can do about it, and that it isn’t his fault because he has ADHD.
He is about to be an adult, as am I, and he has no savings or anything and doesn’t have his permit so he can’t go to college in the fall or get a job any time soon (takes 6 months to get your license in NJ).
He will essentially be a couch potato once school ends and I am terrified of what that means for the house and my sanity.
AITJ for being dismissive about his problems? My family has been manipulating me and making me feel heartless about this subject for my entire life so honestly, it’s hard for me to see myself as anything but coldhearted in regard to this.
Just need some outside opinions.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. At least, for the most part.
His happiness is not your responsibility. If he’s not doing anything constructive and you are, it cannot possibly be you that’s the problem when he’s complaining about how you’re going about what you’re doing.
None of us know the whole story, so maybe take it with a grain of salt, but it seems like you haven’t actually done anything to warrant being the jerk besides blowing up.
It being understandable doesn’t make it right.” CapnMargan
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. What your family is doing to you is not fair. My teen also has ADHD and it isn’t an excuse for him to sit around and play video games all day and not try at school. My suggestion to you is to save your funds and move out once you are able and let your mom deal with him and his behavior.
Better yet just stop doing his chores for him and maybe your mom will finally parent him.” Impossible-Wolf-3839
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He is the golden child. Go to school, go low contact, and have a great life. You don’t have to help them once you are independent of them.
And when he is still on their couch at 25, your parents can pay for his keep, and your sister can come over on the weekends and help with laundry.” Corpuscular_Ocelot
As for you, you're 17 and almost an adult. I would bide my time and get out of there as soon as you can.
And let your mother and sister deal with the issue they have helped to create. You're not obligated to help. You're caught between a rock and a hard place because of your age.
20. AITJ For Telling A Kid Not To Be Like His Dad?
“I (25M) had gone out to grab some food with my great aunt (72F) after a pretty bad week on her end. For some context, my aunt has had some bad health in the last 20 years or so and has been sober for the last 12 from some pretty serious illegal stuff.
She’s had brain surgery twice, lost a breast to cancer the first time she had it and it has now returned more aggressively with little hope of getting better. She’s come to terms with the fact she probably won’t live much longer and has been trying to live her life to the fullest while she still can.
On the day we went to grab food she’d been talking for hours about how much she loved my new car (a 2019 Cadillac CTS) and saying how she always dreamed about owning a Cadillac so I figured, why not? and let her drive it to go pick up the food and let her drive back in it.
(Yes, she’s still allowed to drive). The problem is the car was second-hand and had some mods done on it by the previous owner that makes the exhaust as loud as a Lambo which I hadn’t had the budget to replace yet, but I guess that was the part she loved.
As I went inside to get a spot in line she was making a lot of noise with the car while looking for a place to park, which I agree is obnoxious, but what got on my nerves was this guy sitting off to the side talking a lot of smack about her as he watched her out the window.
He was making fun of her hair scarf and jewelry saying she clearly must have been from the bad neighborhoods, saying she must have been a substance user who stole the car, saying she was obviously using cause she was so skinny and had marks on her skin (she had bruising from chemo) and other horrible things.
I snapped.
I told him he should mind his business and told him he was a piece of work for saying even half of what he said, he retorted saying ‘So what? If she didn’t want people talking she wouldn’t be acting like that or walking around with needle marks in full view, that’s how they are, then they want your funds like you should feel bad for them.
I don’t need that around my son.’ To which I blew up and yelled at him ‘She’s not a substance user! Those marks are from her chemo, she has terminal cancer you jerkhead! And it’s my car, if she wants to drive it and make some noise with it to make her day better, then I’m going to let her!’ To which the guy kinda looked shocked and uncomfortable and shut up, but I was still heated and proceeded to look at his son who looked mortified by all of it and said ‘The people you don’t need to be around is anyone like the guy you’re sitting next to, don’t be anything like him when you grow up.’
Everyone was pretty uncomfortable and I felt bad but I wasn’t thinking when I snapped and was just so mad because I’ve seen her go through so much but looking back on it now I’m wondering if maybe I was out of line for saying that to his kid even if I was upset and only thinking about my aunt.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This guy reminds me of my mother (she is particularly presumptuous about others); he needed to be told that mindlessly judging people in front of your kids is going to end with your kid thinking you are a complete bag of trash. He got a wake-up call and hopefully stops thinking no one is as good as him.
I hope your aunt enjoyed the ride and that the time she has is truly filled with love and joy. She seems like a sweet lady going through the most unimaginable pain. I am glad she has someone like you in her life, OP. Please never stop standing up for others in the face of gross judgment.” magicalgirlgod
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. The boy was already mortified by the whole situation so he probably got the gist of things. You didn’t need to drag someone else’s kid into this (who was already upset) and make him feel guilty by association when he didn’t do anything except being born to this man.” Thin-Fennel1815
Another User Comments:
“You responded to a situation that probably would have bothered anyone of us. Don’t feel bad for what you said to his kid. Hopefully, it will teach him that you can’t judge someone based on looks alone. I’m battling colon cancer myself, so I completely understand why you reacted the way you did.
Don’t feel bad and know that you probably taught this kid a lesson that his dad obviously wasn’t going to teach him.” FearlessDesigner1149
19. AITJ For Not Paying My Employee Again?
“For several weeks I paid one of my contract employees using an online service similar to a Western Union. The funds were transmitted with no problem. The following week she contacted me and told me that she doesn’t want me to use that anymore because they take a big cut so she asks me to transfer the funds ($1300) directly to a new bank account.
I do so and the funds leave my bank account (confirmed). She emails me a few days later and says she never got the funds. She claims she called her bank and they said the transaction was canceled.
However, I never got the funds returned (which my bank says is what would happen if indeed it was canceled or there was some other error in transmission).
For the last 2 weeks, we’ve had dozens of emails back and forth, her main argument is that it’s not only my responsibility to pay her but also to ensure the funds end up in her hands. I told her I have no problem with that but she has to wait until the funds come back or I’d effectively be paying double.
She has been pressing me including using extortion tactics like going public (to the media) if I don’t pay her by X date/time. She also claims her 3 children are starving as a result of my ‘failure to pay her.’ AITJ for not caving into her demands and sending another payment/hoping for the best that she’s not scamming me and the first payment will eventually be returned?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – This is an awkward situation. Aside from what you’ve done I would suggest offering or even insisting on going to her bank with her so that you can confirm with a bank employee that the transaction was in fact canceled and that she didn’t end up with the funds in her account.
If it did somehow go missing then work with both banks to track it down and possibly pay her again (but only if you can confirm with her bank that what she says happened is what actually happened). If it turns out that she’s lying and she did get the funds… well you’d probably need to consider an alternate course of action…” dragonvpm
Another User Comments:
“Assuming you’re in the US that’s not how online transfer works. It gets sent and usually requires 2 to 3 days of posting time, which is why payroll is run a few days before the pay date. When it comes to the receiving bank it’s routed to the account number it’s coded to. If there’s an error and the number doesn’t exist, it gets flagged on a report and someone checks what’s wrong with it.
If it matches a name but the account number is off they will usually contact the customer to see if it was expected or not and can either post or reject it. If they reject it’s routed back to the originating account within another 3 to 5 days. You would have gotten it back by now if it was rejected. She would also easily be able to get a record of the transaction being rejected even if the funds hadn’t come back to you yet.
NTJ.” carolina_candy
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Tell her that if her children are TRULY starving that she could make the small amount of effort to provide you with bank statements showing that she never received the funds, and you’ll be willing to work with her. If she does not, you’ll assume your bank is correct and that she did, in fact, receive the funds.
Also note that if it’s discovered that she goes to the media, you’ll file a civil suit, they’ll subpoena her bank records, and if she’s lying, you’ll sue her for slander. I bet she will shush up really quickly. Also, she’s scamming you. I’d terminate this employee.” nipnopples
18. AITJ For Wanting To Get My Car Back?
“So 3 weeks ago my brother called me up, middle of the day to tell me that he had crashed his partner’s car. Obviously, after making sure he was ok and the car drivable, I told him to bring it over so I could take a look at it. (I have some experience in knowing when vehicles are deemed a total loss.) Well, it turns out to be a blown tire and some unalignment.
Awesome. It’s fixable. My husband is great at networking and I kinda voluntell him to see about getting the car fixed with the people he trusts. He does. The car is fixed and right before handing it back, it refuses to turn on.
Fast forward, we had to do MUCH more work than expected and it took about 3 weeks.
At that time I lent my brother my SUV to drive since I work from home and can thankfully handle working while having my 2-year-old with me. Well, it’s the end of week 3 and I would LOVE to have my car back now that his partner’s car is all better. My husband just told my brother to get a final alignment if he wanted to just double-check that everything is balanced. Well… My brother blows up and starts to yell at me because him bringing my car back to me would require him to wake up earlier than usual.
My brother and his partner work overnight 3 days a week… I lose my mind. After the horrid argument and after I convince myself to not take my spare key and simply take my car back… I realize it’s his partner’s car. I should just call her to make the arrangement so we can swap cars.
I work 9-6 on the opposite side of town hooked up to a computer so ideally, she would have to come during the day since they work 6 pm-6 am and live about 45 minutes across town…
But NOW I’m the bad guy. For demanding my car back so I can take my son to his nanny’s house during the day meanwhile I work so that I can run errands on my lunch break if I need to.
My husband works two jobs and drives our other vehicle. He literally is gone by 6 am and back home around 11 pm. So anything I may need or want to do… is limited to when my husband is home. I told my brother that I would not do the final alignment and that I expected my car back in the morning.
I also told him to not come to me for help if every time I helped, I was going to get this sort of whiplash.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Oh God no! You have done all of this for your brother and he is being a completely ungrateful piece of trash! Good for you for going straight to the source and telling your brother he has lost his option for favors from you!” RideTheWindForever
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You went out of your way to help him out. You need your car back and he’s complaining about having to wake up early one day? Oh my. I’m so embarrassed for him. Can I ask? How old are they? Are they just super young and used to parents doing everything for them or is he just being an entitled jerk?” Lumpy_Parsnip3060
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You went above and beyond helping with your brother’s partner’s car, the car that your brother damaged, and on top of that lent them a car for free for weeks. And from all of this, you asked your brother to wake up early one day to bring your car back. Your brother is entitled. If he doesn’t appreciate all you’ve done, don’t do kind things for him anymore.” Huntress_of_the_Moon
I wouldn't even remind him of how he's treated you now when you say no. No is a complete sentence.
17. AITJ For Cooking In The Evening Without A Fan?
“I (21M) just made my dinner. My mother and my father both immediately started complaining. My mother complained that I didn’t have the stove fan turned on.
My father complained that I’m cooking at 10 pm.
Here’s the thing though.
When my mother complained about the stove fan not being on I wasn’t even using the stove. I was toasting 1 slice of bread in the toaster. It didn’t burn at all. My mother has a habit of complaining about the fan every time I make food because of the supposed food smells.
I think that’s crap because she has even complained and told me to turn it on… when I already had it on at max level. She has also on many occasions told me to turn it on when I’m literally just boiling water, like for pasta. Today, as I said, I was just using the toaster when she complained. I then made scrambled eggs to go with my toast but had the fan on for that at max level.
I’m not making like, fish or anything smelly. Just toast and an egg.
My father complained that I’m cooking at 10 pm because it’s ‘too late’ and because the food smells at this time particularly are not ok. Mind you, 10 pm is not at all late for my family. My mother goes to bed at 1 or even 2 am.
My brother stays up way late too. I sleep at 4 or 5 am. Father frequently works from home til like, 3 am. So nobody’s going to bed soon or anything. Not for like 4 hours at least. Plenty of time for smells to disappear.
They say I’m horrible and call me names over it. They have the audacity to be surprised I don’t eat.
This happens literally any time I try to cook. I always get yelled at, no matter what I cook, no matter the time, and no matter if I have the fan on or not. They call me skinny and yell at me for not eating but how can I eat? Cooking with them existing in the same house is super stressful.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ… I’m assuming you’re in your teens or older? Making you old enough to cook for yourself whenever you’d like. Either way what kind of family gets mad at someone for cooking? Regardless of the fan being on or off. Getting mad at the scent of food is such a controlling and unstable mindset.
I’ve never heard of the smell of food distracting someone from sleeping. You can even look that up if you want to. Brown University did a study on it.
The scent of food does not wake people up… And I’d also agree that 10 is not too late to eat. You can eat literally whenever you want.
You can’t really control getting hungry all the time in life when you’ve got other things going on. Sometimes you get too busy to eat at the right times. But in my opinion, there is no ‘right time’ to eat.” Outrageous_Sink_2976
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, good grief, Cook whenever you are hungry and with earbuds in.
Ignore them. Eat, clean up your mess (maybe spray some nasty-smelling Febreze) then go to your room without a word or a look in their direction. Save up your funds and move out. Parents like to show who is in charge even when you are an adult. Their house their rules. I’m terrible about it myself.
I mother when I really shouldn’t.
Anyway, as long as you clean up after yourself and use the fan you know you have done what was asked of you. As for the night eating and your dad, if he continues to nag tell him that you will stop eating at 10 if he stopped complaining about your weight and being skinny.
Just my thoughts.” Wonderfulsurprise90
16. AITJ For Not Wanting To Attend My Graduation After Doing Online School?
“I just finished an Early Childhood Studies program which is undergrad (to become a future teacher).
This will get me my Honours Bachelor of Applied Science in Early Childhood Studies. I graduated to get my college diploma in Early Childhood Education 2 years ago (right when the global crisis had just become widespread), so there wasn’t a convocation ceremony for that 2 years ago.
Throughout my 4 years of schooling so far, all my student fees were paid by my dad’s education savings plan.
So just a moment ago I expressed to my mom and dad how I didn’t want to go to the undergrad convocation because these last 2 years of schooling were 100% online and from home. There was 0 form of in-person communication like in my college years (but unfortunately the crisis prevented that graduation from happening). But back to the point of the undergrad graduation that is set for June 20th, I really see no point in attending since my degree will be mailed out to my house anyways and I’ve already booked an appointment to get my grad pics in May.
All of my schooling in the last 2 years were from home and now the idea of attending this to just sit through hours and take pictures doesn’t interest me at all. Overall I don’t want to go because I didn’t value the last 2 years of my undergrad that highly.
My dad completely agreed with all the points I brought up and is fine with my decision whereas my mom was trying to say that I’d regret not attending this experience.
Then I told her that the schooling for my undergrad was very stale and not like my college experience at all (which would have been the graduation I attended).
Personality wise I am more on the introverted side with the addition that this program I’m in is 99% composed of females where I am technically a part of the minority being one of the very few males in the program.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but your mom saying you’ll regret is actually her saying this is a big achievement and I want to celebrate it with you.
I skipped mine and it was a few months into the summer when my Dad asked if I was doing the fall one instead of spring and I told him I just skipped it.
He was sad because it was a big moment for him to see me graduate. After talking to him a bit I understood that graduation was a culmination of parenting for him that he wanted to celebrate with me.
Is it somewhat selfish? Not really, it’s more about being proud of your children. So think about if you want to go to make your mom happy.
Congratulations completing a degree is an accomplishment.” GWeb1920
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I only plan on going to my Master’s grad because it’s only the people I’ve been working closely with the past few years. Didn’t bother going to my undergrad one. State school, thousands of graduates, no thanks. Yeah sure maybe you’ll regret it.
But on the flip side, it sounds pretty likely that you’ll regret it if you do end up going.” bygkjjchy
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I completely get not feeling any enthusiasm for a long boring ceremony after 2 years of online schooling. If your mom wants the traditional photo, you could just rent the cap & gown and hold up your diploma while standing in front of a random shrubbery with your folks.
Congratulations on graduating!” User
For the record, I have two degrees. I didn't attend either graduation and just had my degree mailed to me. Still no regrets more than 2 decades later. It's not a personal thing. There can be hundreds of students at the ceremony all spread across different degrees. Your name gets called, you walk across and get your piece of paper in a gown and cap. You then take photos with your family in your gown and cap.
15. WIBTJ If I Accept The Award?
“A few years ago, a friend of mine passed away suddenly. She struggled with her mental health/potentially undiagnosed autism her whole life and was improving drastically, but suddenly passed away from an aneurysm. Her parents created an award through a local non-profit (NP henceforth) and give an award every year to someone between 18 and 30 who is neurodivergent.
I am on the board of directors of the NP, and a member of the committee that chooses the recipients of the award every year because I want to continue my friend’s legacy. Her parents are also on the committee, as is the president of the NP (J).
A few days ago, J called me and told me she was nominating me for the award, and that I could just not vote when the time came to choose recipients.
She said the parents agreed, and they ultimately decide who gets the award. I was sort of caught off guard and just said okay, but I’ve since thought about it and I’m not sure I should take the award, even though I qualify for it (multiple diagnosed mental illnesses, right age group). J also told me that they hadn’t gotten any other applicants and applications are due early next month.
I feel like I should turn it down because I think it would look really bad for the NP and the award itself to have someone involved with both win the award, it gets a lot of publicity in our little town, and I’m not sure I want my neurodivergence out there for everyone to know and I’m still living at home and supported by my parents, so I’m not really in need of the award… I feel like there are people who are so much more deserving than I am out there… they just aren’t applying.
WIBTJ if I accepted the award?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
You wouldn’t be a jerk to accept the award, but I still think you should, politely, turn it down. You already know the reasons why you shouldn’t accept it, you outlined them very eloquently.
This will look bad for the organization, and depending on how the non-profit is structured may actually be against legal regulations.
Your instincts are correct you shouldn’t accept it, but you wouldn’t be a jerk if you did. No jerks here, just some questionable decision-making on the part of the org.” Least-Moose3738
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ. You are correct! You cannot accept this award, as this is a huge conflict of interest. If this NP is to be taken seriously and seen as ethically sound, they cannot award this to someone they’re on the board with.
They can either look for people that fit the requirements and encourage them to apply or they can give the award over to next year’s kitty.” Thart85
Another User Comments:
“You would not be the jerk but you do bring up some good points about why it might be in everybody’s interest, including yours, to politely decline.
Ultimately you are a much better judge than us as to how the community might react to you receiving such an award, both in terms of what it does to the perception of the award itself and how it might impact your personal life.
You have every right to maintain your personal privacy when it comes to your health issues, so if that is a concern for you I think it’s important for you to know that you are most certainly allowed to prioritize your mental and emotional well-being.
And if doing so also helps avoid any unwarranted questions or concerns about the awards process itself, that’s just icing on the cake.” Bionic_Ninjas
14. AITJ For Not Being Able To Handle My Friend's Anxiety And Depression Anymore?
“I (26F) have a (30M) friend with crippling social anxiety and depression. He has come to me countless times seeking advice on how to help him improve himself to better cope with his mental health problems and I try in my best way to help him. I am by no means a professional but have had a little more life experience than him and offer what I can and he blatantly ignores it and always has a reason why he can’t follow that advice.
I have tried time and time again to get him to seek professional help but he does nothing to change it. It’s becoming somewhat of a problem on my own personal mental health problems to the point where I don’t even want to talk to him. He never has anything positive to say in any way and I always tell him to stop talking about himself in a bad way because it’s so mentally draining.
I love him like a brother and only want the best for him but he doesn’t want it for himself. I have no clue what to do anymore and I don’t want to end our friendship over this but I can’t take it anymore I’m at a loss!”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all. Setting boundaries is crucial for healthy relationships. It is an awkward situation but if they aren’t willing to pursue professional help, there’s not much you can do. You can not force people to live the life you think is best for them. I swear that is the hardest life lesson I struggle with.
On one hand, you would do just about anything for them but on the other hand, you could be enabling the behavior by doing what a therapist should. Have they explained why they don’t want to seek help?” SkyletteRose
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – sacrificing your mental health for his is not healthy. People need to actively want to get better or be willing to try, he wants neither.
I don’t mean to be crass, but his situation won’t change until he wants it to, and you’re a crutch he’s using to feel like he’s trying to be better without doing anything.
Please don’t come at me for being harsh, I’ve dealt with my own and friends’ depression.
I understand it can be debilitating, but we need to take responsibility for it ourselves.” SherbetAnnual2294
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s kind of you to want to help him but you aren’t a therapist and are in no way beholden to listen to his problems. I’d gently tell him you feel you need to stop seeing one another.
I would also recommend you seek therapy yourself to help process the grief and associated feelings from this friendship so you can move on with your life.” Scrivenerofmyth
13. AITJ For Not Wanting To Go Back To Church Camp?
“When I (14f) was ten I started to go to an after-school church thing, they had it for all grades and I just started going.
It was from 4-5 pm giving us 30 minutes on a playground, I did that until I was eleven, I went to middle school and they didn’t access it there.
But I did go to their church camp, and my last two years haven’t exactly been… all that good.
My first year was mostly decent other than I was bunked with my bullies, I ended up getting into a fight on the last day.
I was crying and said ‘I should be used to it by now’ and an older Counselor laughed at me for saying that.
The 2020 year I was in the cabin with a girl I didn’t get along with, at all. She practically threatened me multiple times and my Counselors only spoke to her once about it.
The 2021 year was decent, my sister dropped me off with my nephew, everyone loved him, and so on and so on.
Well, we have chapel after dinner and it’s usually more of a lecture so I don’t tend to pay attention to those parts of the chapel.
But this one chapel was different. They knew my sister wasn’t married, so they stared at me and told me that was a sin and I should never do it.
They then looked at the younger kids whose parents were never married and told them not to do so.
Then it moved on to divorce, my parents were divorced, and since I trust them they knew this. Once again they mostly looked in my direction, and then at the younger kids.
And I’m a closeted something, I know I like girls but so on.
It’s never been a secret I am queer, all my extended family insists they know but won’t outright say it, and seem accepting.
Kids at school obviously have their thoughts and I’ve heard a few talks about it.
A kid from my school, someone I talk to, her mother is the Chapel person.
They gave us the ‘Gay is a sin’ and how we’ll burn in the underworld and stuff.
And her mom obviously knows. I saw her in public last week and I feel like certain people understand the ‘I’m judging you for who you are even though I care for you because I remember the old you’ stare.
But now they want me to work for them, and My Friend (the one whose mom is the Chapel lady) is telling me not to do it because they have younger kids be the top of the chain and give their work to the others.
She told me they treat them badly and it would be best to slowly back away from them in that topic.
But My Parents insist I do work for them since they have let me into the camp free of charge for four years, and they truly do care about me as I do them but they also obviously judge me.
And I love them all because they have helped with my bully problems but it just goes on the fact that I’m now currently trying to figure myself out without religion.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Hey love, I have literally been in the same position. queer girl in church camp, hating every second of it.
I left Christianity about 8 years ago and my parents were very aware of this yet did not care. I was forced to go for years and years but was able to get out of camp later on.
Finding yourself without religion can be really hard, but you have a long time to figure that out.
As for your parents, try voicing exactly why it makes you uncomfortable. My relationship with my parents was ruined for years because of our arguments, especially over religion. You’ll be with your parents for at least the next four years, so keep it as civil as possible while standing up for yourself.
Maybe offer to work elsewhere or do jobs around the house instead.
Ask what alternatives they might have, and try and be as flexible as possible.
I wish you luck. NTJ.” rho2379
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Step away from the religious camp and find a group that will accept you for you. Not to make assumptions but it sounds like it is a fundamentalist church that only read the book report based on the cliff notes published in another language that they translated one word at a time using google translate.” Bloop-ofthe-OpenHand
12. WIBTJ If I Take My Neighbor's Dog To The Pound?
“I live in a trailer park. It’s not the nicest place to live, but it’s cheap to rent and for the past couple of years it’s been home. My next-door neighbors moved in about half a year ago and got a small pomeranian mix dog shortly after that. At first, they loved him and took pretty good care of him but soon the ‘shiny new toy’ lost its significance and they began neglecting him.
By neglecting him I mean they are not feeding him properly and letting him eat the food that I and others leave out for stray cats, not giving him ANY flea/tick medication (my dog uses a collar AND has to get flea baths because of how bad fleas are here) and leaving him outside ALL THE TIME even in storms!
That was bad enough but recently I noticed their kid (M10) doesn’t treat him well at all. He picks him up by his paws/neck, hits him and screams at him when frustrated, takes him by the fur and squeezes until the dog gives a reaction, and probably other things I haven’t seen because I don’t like to interact with the family often.
I have taken it upon myself to tell the kid to be nice and not treat animals like that but he never really gives me a response, just stares at me or walks away.
His mom has told me that he’s on the spectrum and she can’t get him to listen to her (she is constantly screaming at him and having to literally chase him down and drag him inside but that’s not really my business) but she refuses to take any real action to keep the dog safe and it’s gotten to a point where I’m feeling guilty and complicit in the mistreatment of this poor dog.
He’s small and funny and really a sweetheart so I know he’d be scooped up fast. I know they haven’t taken him to a vet either so he could really use some shots and probably neutering.
However as the dog is technically their property this is a gray area because it is considered stealing and even though I would gladly accept legal punishment if it meant the dog would go to a good home, I’m on the fence about it being morally RIGHT.
So WIBTJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. However, I would first contact the humane society or pound or shelter or whatever is there and report them. If they were not able to do something, then I would take the dog to them. I think that would ABSOLUTELY be morally right! That dog is being mistreated! I would take that dog to the pound in a heartbeat and suffer whatever consequences.
I could not live with myself knowing that I was allowing an animal to continue to be treated like that and I think you are the same way.” User
Another User Comments:
“Call animal control. Report a neglect/mistreatment situation. Describe the situation the way you did here. Emphasize that the dog does not have food, is left out in poor weather conditions, and, most importantly, does not likely have a rabies shot.” chaosandpuppies
Another User Comments:
“I hesitate to say YWBTJ but instead of committing theft, report them to animal control. On top of that, collect evidence. If you just steal the dog what’s to just stop them from getting a new one and starting the cycle over? I think it’s just a band-aid on a broken leg.” DankyMcJangles
11. AITJ For Using My Phone During A Family Dinner?
“I (25F) am going out with Jeni (24F).
Jeni is from another country, she visited a cousin for 6 months and we met here, we started going out and she returned to her home country.
For the first time, I went to her country to visit for a month. Before, she was the one who came.
Jeni still lives with her parents, as they all speak English very well (her parents are fluent) and I can get by in English.
But their language I don’t understand anything, it’s not even derived from Latin, so I get lost and understand some words/phrases, but nothing very fast.
They usually have 2 lunches or dinner at my in-laws’ house and my brothers-in-law go. They initially even tried to keep some parts of the conversation in English so I wouldn’t feel so lost, but after the second dinner, most of these meetings were in their language and I had to ask them to explain in English if they spoke to me.
Even though Jeni was talking to them, they tried to keep the conversation in English a little bit (keep in mind that everyone knows how to speak English, which is not my language, but it’s our medium of conversation), and they started to give up even talking to me. So basically at the dinner table, I just spoke to my partner and the rest of them barely addressed me so I didn’t have to speak in English or translate what they said.
And it’s like this for almost 3 hours straight, I’m listening to a lot of conversation said quickly and not being able to understand.
I was on my last week of stay and the last dinner with everyone gathered. My partner had a problem and spent almost an hour and a half in the bathroom. So basically I was alone with a bunch of people who wouldn’t even try to have a conversation with me or keep up when I tried.
So after 20 minutes lost, I started fiddling with my cell phone and no one tried to talk to me, at least in the language I understood or called my name.
Jeni came back and I noticed some angry looks in my direction.
Dinner was over, I went to my room, and Jeni was called by her mother.
After half an hour, Jeni went to the room and, in a somewhat rude tone, said that her relatives thought it was rude for me to spend more than 1 hour on the cell phone. I explained my situation, but even so, she continued to say that it was rude of me to do this and that I should have been a good guest, even though they had been terrible hosts.
Two days later, I returned to my country. Her parents barely spoke to me these two days and I had to take a taxi (very expensive) to the airport, as Jeni cannot drive (it is not cultural or religious).
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here and I’m leaning towards the hosts as being slightly more so.
Yes, not being conversant in another language when it is the only one being spoken in your presence is rude when the capability is there and it does have an isolating effect since you do not feel like you are a part of the gathering.
Jeni having to step away for as long as she did was concerning, but even so, once your phone comes out at the table, it is a faux pas even if no one’s including you in any discussion of theirs.
Everyone was a bit rude, if not deliberately so, except maybe for Jeni, if the reason that she was in the restroom for so long was because of a health-related problem.” QuietGrudge
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, you could’ve tried at least to engage in conversation before being on your phone for an hour at the dinner table but they should’ve tried harder to include you if they found it that offensive that they barely spoke to you the last two days of your visit.” Beautiful-Lab3047
10. AITJ For Giving My Nephew His Dream Wedding Gift?
“I’m wealthy. Very wealthy. About eight years ago I started a small tech company with friends. We sold it to another bigger tech company last year that you’ve definitely heard of, and I walked away with more than $90 million after taxes. Yeah. Rich Rich. I’m also a fairly ordinary person because I definitely grew up middle class (dad was a union electrician), went to ordinary public schools, and apparently haven’t been rich long enough to get snooty yet.
I don’t even own a pair of golf clubs.
Anyway.
Three weeks ago, my oldest nephew married a wonderful young woman. Sadly, I already had another commitment out of the country and couldn’t attend. Still, I made a point to get them a nice gift. I opened their online registries, found the MOST EXPENSIVE item they had requested, ordered the most expensive version of it I could find, and had it professionally wrapped and shipped to them.
It was one of the big Kitchenaid Pro stand mixers, with all the accessories. Cost about US$1000 in total.
My nephew and his new wife are both avid cooks and apparently LOVED the gift, but my sister and mom have been having a total meltdown over it. They’re claiming that I’m being ‘cheap’, and that I should have bought them something more ‘commensurate with my wealth’.
They are both claiming that wedding registries are for ‘ordinary people’, and now that I’m rich I should be doing more. Like a down payment for a house, paying for the wedding or honeymoon, or buying them a car.
Here’s the thing. I’d totally do that. I’d give them the down payment for a house, buy them a car, or pay off their freaking student loans if that’s what they wanted. I legit love my nephew and those aren’t huge expenses for me.
But nobody asked for that. They asked for a Kitchenaid stand mixer, so I bought that. And I bought the nicest, most expensive, most feature-laden version I could find. When I pointed that out to my mom, she flew into a rage and said that it’s ‘insulting’ for people to have to ask for expensive things and that a ‘good person’ would have just offered them.
Apparently, I’m a jerk for not magically knowing exactly what they need in life and offering it before they ask.
AITJ? Or are they being trashy people?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. However, I doubt your nephew and his wife would ever ask you to pay for their wedding or honeymoon, or buy them a car, or give them a downpayment on a house, or anything along those lines because frankly, decent people don’t try to get greedy with their wealthy relatives.
It’s rude, and can also make the wealthy relative feel kind of jaded, because then how do they know if their family loves them for who they are, or just for their wealth?
I think your gift was thoughtful. They needed a stand mixer, you bought one that was top-of-the-line that they probably wouldn’t buy for themselves, and they’re very happy with it.
Now, if you wanted to at some point in the near future, you could take your nephew and his new wife aside and say that when they’re ready to start seriously house-hunting, to let you know because you’ll gift them $X to help with the downpayment. Or you could say if they’d rather have the money now and put it toward their student loans, you’d be happy to do that instead.
It’s their choice. But if you decide to be such a generous uncle (and to be clear, you are under no obligation!), request that they not tell the rest of the family. Whether you help any family member out should be up to you because you want to do something kind for someone you love.
It should not be out of pressure, and certainly not from particular relatives getting money-grubby.” AccessibleBeige
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all – you got the couple something they genuinely wanted and both of them love the gift especially since it’s something they can use to pursue a mutually enjoyable activity! That was a great wedding present especially since you couldn’t be there in person.
And it’s telling that this isn’t coming from them – sounds like the kind of people that actually would deserve op’s generosity if op wanted to share it but that they aren’t so entitled that they expect or demand it.
Your sister and mom are the only jerks here – you weren’t being cheap and the nonsense about registries being for ‘ordinary’ people is laughable.
Couples list things they want/need on those things and if they’re comfortable and don’t need a new luxury car or home payment, going ahead and making such a big gift could actually saddle them with a big tax bill they aren’t expecting or prepared for.
But given that your nephew and his wife don’t sound like they’re expecting to profit off your windfall or expect you to spend this good fortune on them – if some sort of big expense like this is something that would mean a lot to them, they’re unlikely to come and ask.
If you’re interested in helping them out in this manner, I would have a conversation with them or let them know that you want to be able to help them start off their lives together more smoothly/make it easier for them.
The fact that they aren’t coming with their hands out is a sign of good character and that they’re probably never going to come to request anything big from you unless it’s a true emergency or necessity like lifesaving medical care or something.
Cut out the jerk middlemen that are your mom and sister and just keep being a great aunt or uncle to a kid you love and that sounds like he has a good head on his shoulders.” ApprehensiveIssue340
Another User Comments:
“Your money is yours and not your family or your friends, you never have to feel guilty for not spending on somebody else’s behalf.
And figuring out who you want to spend on is a unique challenge that you will have to deal with because some people will try to take advantage. That your nephew so far seems to not have tried to do that, is a massive point in his favor, if you ask me at least.
Might I suggest you do the following for the people you have decided you would be comfortable supporting financially: talk to them.
Invite your nephew and his new wife over for tea or something and tell them, that you have the means to help them with financial problems and that they are very much welcome to ask you for help, if they ever need financial assistance (feel free to include an ‘up to X amount’ caveat) and that you are open to discussing financial matters with them if they need or want to.
That way you have made it clear that you are willing to help them out if they need or want it, but that they need to approach you about it and ask, so you can have an open conversation. I know talking about money is uncomfortable, but having open communication about it with the people you love and want to support is essential.
You are not a bank, but even if you were you would not be handing out substantial sums of money without talking things through beforehand. You need to be clear about how much money you are able and comfortable giving and what your expectations are in return (even if there aren’t any, you need to communicate that).
That way all people involved know what to expect and can decide if that is what they want for your relationship going forward. Since you seem to be a nice person and have a generally good relationship with your family, I am sure you can make this work.” Run325
9. AITJ For Threatening To Sue My Sister If She Doesn't Pay Me Back?
“My sister is a single mom with two kids. And she lives out of a trailer with them. She has a good job that’s within walking distance of her home. And she’s a good mom to her kids.
Problem is that she drinks booze like a fish. And lately, it’s gotten even worse. She borrowed funds from me in the past and promised to pay them back. But has only given me $100 when she owed me $600 and tried to say she paid me. I said she made a PAYMENT, that’s all. And she still owes me $500.
Meanwhile, she’s going out drinking whenever she can, taking her kids out to drink often, and buying lots of booze. All of that stuff isn’t a life necessity. But now that my sister is almost 40, I think she’s entering mid-life crisis mode.
Finally, I confronted her about how I’ve given her multiple chances to pay me back, and she’s spending a lot on booze and eating out like water.
She yelled at me that she’s not changing the way she does things just because she owes me. So I said that either she pays me back, or I’ll take her to small claims court because she still owes me $500. She had the nerve to try and say she paid me again. But I reminded her she paid only $100 and still owes $500.
Then I threatened to not only sue her but also never drive her anywhere again. She likes having my help as a designated driver. Or using my truck to haul things. Both of which I threatened to not do again until she pays me. She went off on me, but I held my ground and told her that she needs to get her head out of her butt and get her finances in order before walking away and telling her she either needs to start making more $100 payments or pay it off all at once.
She yelled at me a few more times, but I didn’t take the bait and kept walking.
I thought I was in the right. But my mother called me up over yelling at my sister. She changed her tone a bit when I explained what actually happened. And agrees my sister needs to cut back.
But she still thinks I’m a jerk for doing what I did. So here I am to ask about it.
AITJ for threatening my sister with small claims court over $500 she refuses to pay back?
Edit to clarify: My sister’s trailer is not a small one. It was bought brand new a few years ago and is considered a viable home.
And she also doesn’t take her kids with her while out drinking. She just takes them out to eat a lot so she doesn’t have to make dinners herself. Which costs a lot. And while my sister does drink a lot, she does her best to not make it a problem for her children. But balancing the two is becoming increasingly hard for her as recently she’s started going downhill.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I’m sure there has to be more brewing beneath the surface here, and it boiled down to her refusing to hear what you were saying. A person can only take so much before they snap, and for you, it seems it’s not even really about the money, it’s about the lack of accountability.
She borrows funds, your vehicle, and your time, and doesn’t respect the boundaries you’re attempting to establish. Now that you’re drawing a clear line, she’s upset because she knows you’re in the right and she’s losing her free ride. Booze isn’t cheap and easily can amount to $500 in a week even. If you were demanding the full $500 upfront, that would be different, but you’re still offering an installment plan to her.” persephonetaylor
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and small claims can be a real wake-up call. I went down this road with my idiot brother. Have you ever asked her why she is drinking so much? Not that I want to know but there has to be a reason she is drinking so much.
To start the ball rolling with small claims you will need to send her a ‘letter of demand’.
In that, you detail the debt, how much she has paid, and how much is still owed. Then you can set out either a payment plan with dates or just one date for the whole amount to be paid. Make it clear that if she doesn’t respond or make payment, it will go to small claims.
Good luck. Took years for me to get what my brother owed but we are talking just under $10K in my situation.” MLiOne
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
But I’m not too sure how far you’ll get in court for $500 but I’m assuming you said that because you’ve had enough of her nonsense… Your Mom should be more supportive of you and how you’ve been treated. How can she even be a tiny bit mad at you is beyond me!
Stand your ground and don’t care what anyone else thinks about what you said or why you said it… And I’m not too convinced that you’ll see the rest of what your sister owes you. Do not help out anymore until you’re respected…
Sisters…. ughhhhh!” lauraisabelgonzalez
But I would not be doing anything for your sister. She can sort her own crap out.
Only lend money that you are prepared to never get back. Your sister's consequence is that you will never lend her money again.
8. WIBTJ If I Ask My Sister To Stop Coming To Our Gym?
“Recently, my (21m) sister (24f) works at a bank near where I go to college, so now we hang out a bit more.
Recently she has started to hang out with me at a gym where my friends also work out. She’s gotten really good and it’s been amazing to see how much she has progressed in terms of how much she can lift. Frankly, I didn’t think she was that strong since she’s like 5’3 and doesn’t look muscular.
She passed up two of my friends and can lift more than them, and may even pass me.
My sister teased my friends a bit about lifting more than them (not even teasing lol just a ‘C’mon you guys can do better than that can’t you?’). Yesterday, those two friends came up to me and said they felt weird about my sister lifting more than them.
They asked me if it was okay if I could ask her to go to the gym at another time. I said no at first, but then I realized that they probably felt inferior for whatever reason. I also don’t think it would have as much of an impact on my sister since she has a bit more free time than us so she can go in at a different time.”
Another User Comments:
“The petty in me wants you to tell her that they are threatened by her gains. I would be tooting my horn for my hard work for a nice long time, especially given the assumptions that girls can’t be baddies working out. Instead of watching the world burn, how about you ask your sister to work out one on one with you so she can continue to progress and you can still spend time together?
Your friends need to get their insecurities under control but if you let their feeling dictate your support of your sister, YWBTJ. After all, there’s nothing stopping them from working out on their own.” SkyletteRose
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ
Your friends’ insecurities are not a valid reason to kick your sister out. There will always be people who can lift more, run faster, hit harder, remember more, or whatever.
It’s reality and your friends have to learn how to deal with it. Of course, they are free to work out at a different time but they really have no grounds to forbid your sister from doing anything.
Your friends aren’t less than for lifting less, they are jerks for whining about being out-lifted by a woman.
Pretty sure it would be no big deal if your sister was a brother instead.” NtlDerpFoundation
Another User Comments:
“It sounds to me like your sister is approaching lifting with a solid progression plan, and your friends have a bad case of screw-around-itis. She was probably just trying to motivate them, as they reacted poorly to it.
YWBTJ. You can tell her that your friends are too wimpy to take motivation from her, so she should just stick to her own lifting, that wouldn’t be so bad. But it sounds like ALL of you should be looking at what she’s doing right and you’re doing wrong.” revenantae
7. AITJ For Wanting To Be Left Alone After My Surgery?
“I’m a pretty quiet and private person from a HUGE family. I have 6 younger brothers and sisters and I know when I require attention and when I do not. I usually do not, so they give me space and know I’ll ask for them when I need them. Well, I’m having this really minor outpatient procedure on Friday.
My husband will drop me off and pick me up (no waiting room) and it’s really not a huge deal. My doctor warned me that I will be in tremendous pain afterward and I will be going under general anesthesia (which always makes me feel gross and nauseous) and I know I will just want to be left alone to recuperate for the weekend.
My husband has told his loud and overbearing parents – they mean well, but his mom cannot handle silence of any kind ever. She ALWAYS has to be talking or singing or making noise. ALWAYS. ALWAYS. Loud noise. Ugh. I do sound like a jerk. She just can’t be quiet, EVER. – I digress, he told them they can come over when we get home from the hospital because HE needs support.
He is going to be so worried about me that he needs them to circle around him to help him through this tough time. I just want to lay on the sofa with my cat and puke bucket and watch old episodes of the X-Files, you know? He can go back to work for all I care.
I’ll be fine. Zero possibility that I could die from this. Anyway, we’re fighting now because I’m being an insensitive jerk. As he says, this isn’t all about me. What? It absolutely is! Right? Maybe it isn’t. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Of course, it’s completely all about you. Your husband is being ridiculous and a big baby.
Is there any chance you can go around him and contact your in-laws and tell them that you will be just fine after surgery and it would actually be better if they didn’t come over?
Or here’s a better idea. Would your doctor be willing to write a note stating that for 48hrs (or longer, you decide) after surgery you must limit your exposure to others due to potential infection hazards?
Or words along those lines. If this is interpreted to mean that your spouse should spend that time staying with his parents, would you really mind?” KLT222
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You should rent a hotel room for a couple of days in advance, then when you’re discharged, have an Uber or a friend take you to the hotel.
If your ‘husband’ needs his mommy and daddy to help him (?) then give them the time and space for them to coddle him, loudly, while you recover peacefully at the hotel.
If you do decide to do that, don’t let him or anyone else say that ‘you’re being selfish’ just say that ‘you’re just being considerate and allowing your ‘husband’ be babied and coddled by his mommy and daddy in peace like he wanted and that a selfish and truly ignorant person would be one to openly disregard another person’s feelings despite being made aware of them.
But no one like that is here, is there?'” Careful-Listen2277
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Maybe talk to him and ask him why the need to come over. Or see why he feels inadequate to take care of you. Or tell him look, you want them over that’s great. You guys can chat in the garage/porch and check up on me but I want quiet.
Or go to your in-laws and tell them hey why don’t you take him out so he can get air go grab a coffee.
Or when they come let them stay 10 minutes and go into another room.” windywitchofthewest
6. WIBTJ If I Consult A Nurse Practitioner About My Mom's Snoring?
“First off, my (15F) mom (58) has always been a snorer. Everyone in my family knows it. She legit sounds like a bear when she sleeps. It’s rather impressive.
Secondly, I will be honest and admit that I have pretty bad anxiety, mainly health anxiety. So I am kind of obsessed with medical conditions and everything.
Thirdly, the issue. I recently stumbled across the condition known as sleep apnea. Sleep apnea is basically a chronic condition where a person will suddenly stop breathing while sleeping before resuming normal breathing (very irregular breathing patterns ONLY during sleep periods). One of the symptoms of this condition is loud snoring.
Naturally, I thought of my mom because I’d never heard anybody in my life snore like her.
Another symptom is obviously having sudden breaks in breathing that are reported by a person who witnesses it. Now, I don’t know for sure, but sometimes I will hear my mom in the middle of snoring and suddenly (and I mean SUDDENLY) stop and I won’t hear her snore for twenty or so seconds. She ALWAYS snores when she sleeps but I’ve never thought anything about it before.
We have a doctor’s appointment coming up and I was wondering if I WBTJ if I asked our nurse practitioner about sleep apnea and mention my mom.
I don’t know if it’s important to note that my aunts (mom’s sisters) have seriously considered getting her a machine to help her breathe during sleep or not because of just how bad her snoring is, but I guess that means I’m not the only one who’s ever worried about it before.
I just want to make sure my mom is okay, but I can’t mention it to her because she’s weirdly sensitive about people asking her about her snoring. I also don’t think she would understand what I’m asking her and might get annoyed (she’s sensitive about her health, too).
She just is showing a lot of potential signs and fits the bill of the classic person who develops sleep apnea, and I would want to talk to someone who knows about it.
And maybe, if the nurse practitioner is also concerned, she’ll ask my mom about it and my mom will listen.
WIBTJ though? I don’t feel like this is a bad thing to do, but I also don’t wanna cause any unnecessary drama or whatever.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Being concerned about your mom is a good thing.
However, a medical professional isn’t supposed to talk about someone’s medical issues with anyone but that person. Mom might also feel ambushed and deny snoring if it’s brought up by the nurse practitioner. I get that your mom is sensitive about snoring – have you considered bringing it up to her without mentioning snoring at all?
‘Hey, mom. I’ve noticed lately that you seem to stop breathing for short periods when you’re sleeping. It kind of makes me feel worried. I learned about this condition called Sleep Apnea, where the main symptom is stopping breathing while you’re sleeping. It can also include stuff like headaches in the morning, peeing a lot overnight, sore throat or dry mouth, and always being tired no matter how much sleep you get.
I don’t know if any of that is bugging you, but I was wondering since we’re going to see the nurse practitioner today, whether maybe that was something you might want to ask her about. Might be worth a shot – I read that it can lead to other problems down the line, too.’
You can have the whole conversation and not bring up the snoring. And this way it’s her decision, she isn’t being ambushed, and she gets to take ownership of her own health. No one likes to be told what to do… especially by their kid.” EastLeastCoast
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and it’s definitely worth mentioning – sleep apnea is very dangerous when untreated, and your mother obviously isn’t awake to know how badly she’s sleeping.
Encourage her to bring it up to her doctor, and mention that you are willing to share your observations of her snoring since she can’t. Frame it as wanting to make sure that she’s okay so that she’s around for your important moments in life!” ScroochDown
5. WIBTJ If I Tell My Mom She Doesn't Love Me?
“So for the past while I (15F) have been in a constant argument with my mother about my identity.
It started about a year ago when I came out to her as bi and she told me she would never accept me as it is against her beliefs as a Christian. But she ‘loved me anyways’. This conversation happened around 9-10 months ago.
Around two months ago I began going out with this girl.
I knew how my mom would feel about it, so I kept it a secret for about a month until two weeks ago. She found out and the hatred was so clear. My dad had a talk with her about it, and after she came into my room and tried to hug me telling me ‘I may not agree with your choice but I love you,’ I just nodded and hugged her not believing a word she said.
When I eventually tried to tell her a bit about my SO she told me that she believes it’s wrong for two girls to be together and couldn’t give me a valid reason besides ‘Jesus’ so the conversation ended very quickly. We haven’t talked about my SO since.
Now for context for the next part, around last February I put a bi flag up in my room.
It just kinda hangs there, it makes me feel like I can be who I am. Yesterday when she woke me up for school she told me she wanted me to take it down. I obviously ignored her and left it up. I tried to talk to my dad about it and he told me ‘She’s adjusting but she will be fine, but she doesn’t want the flag in her house.
I talked to her, and she understands she loves you so she’ll tolerate your decision.’ I kinda just agreed and went about my day.
Today, I had a softball game that my mom went to. I sat in the dugout with my SO, she was wearing my hoodie that I gave her a couple of weeks ago.
I could see my mom somewhat glaring at us, especially when she moved my bangs out of my face after I took my hood down. When we got back to school, our parents picked us up. I hugged her goodbye and waved to her moms. I got in the car and my mom looked just annoyed and we drove in silence.
When we got back home, my mom came into my room and started arguing with me about my pride flag again. Telling me I was disrespecting her and her religion by having an ‘inappropriate’ flag in my room. That I don’t pay the bills so I don’t get a say. I ripped down the flag, got in the shower, and now I’m sitting here typing this with my flag hanging on my desk chair.
She tried to talk to me when I went downstairs for a snack, but I ignored her. She always says goodnight and that she loves me before going to her room. I wanna say she clearly doesn’t if she doesn’t respect my gender. But she does literally everything else correctly. Gets me everything I ask for, works two jobs, puts food on the table, and whatnot.
She cares about me clearly because I’m her daughter and supports my guitar, weight loss, softball, musicals, etc. just not ‘personal’ stuff.
So WIBTJ for telling my mom she clearly doesn’t love me?”
Another User Comments:
“Sometimes it’s extremely hard for parents to see their children as growing into adults who have desires they don’t understand or would want for themselves.
It sounds like your mom is really struggling with seeing you as a person with your own path that might take you farther away from her and the imaginary life she had planned for you. A lot of the tension you’re experiencing is like… classic teen vs. parent stuff. It really doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you.
I’m certain she does. She just sucks at accepting the wholeness of who you are right now.
That said, there is no excuse for homophobia and your mom is 100% wrong to shame you for your first foray into love (assuming this is your first foray into love).
You sound like a very solid, kind, grounded person and your dad sounds like he’s handling your transition into adulthood pretty ok.
Maybe just give yourself and your mom some distance until tempers cool a bit and hope that she can appreciate the beautiful kid she has, not the one she made up in her head.
Oh, also: NTJ.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Here’s the bad news for your mother: she’s not a Christian.
If she were, she’d be fine with gay love. The holy book that religious Christians follow has MULTIPLE positive gay love stories (a couple are bi!).
Cultural Christians – rather than religious Christians – will mistranslate and misinterpret a few passages and will use their misinterpretations to justify open bigotry.
Your mother is a homophobe because she wants to be.
Because if she actually followed her religious book’s example, she’d do as Jesus did and embrace and honor gay love.
I’m so sorry you’re having to come to terms with your mother’s hypocrisy so early in life. Just know that there is a world full of people – Christian and otherwise – who can’t wait to love and accept you exactly as you are.” secretoidentidadman
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Your mother is clearly acting homophobic, instantly making her a jerk in this situation. She is likely trying to ignore that part of you so she doesn’t have to think about the conflict between her love for you and her beliefs, resulting in her coming down hard on any visual reminders, like the flag, that makes it difficult to ignore it.
Note that I am not suggesting that her actions are justified, merely offering an alternative explanation rather than her not loving you, as being able to express yourself freely is very important. Instead, explain to her what her treatment makes you feel and if it persists when you are able to move out minimize or cut contact entirely, explaining that you will do so until she can prioritize her child over her beliefs, or the relevant beliefs are changed.” Free_Ad_7708
4. AITJ For Standing Up For My Sibling?
“For the holidays, my (21f) sibling (19) and I are staying with my parents. My parents live in another country so they fly us out to them for the holidays. My sibling is at uni and I graduated this year. I have an average job and I’m renting a place in my city so for the most part I’m financially independent of my parents who are fairly wealthy.
But when I stay with them, they pay for flights there and back and for any outings we go on.
My sibling wanted to see some of their friends and my mum (50s) told them they have to be home before 9 PM. My sibling wanted to stay out till 10 PM. So I said, they’re 19, why do they have a curfew?
My mum told me to stay out of it but I pushed on because A) my sibling is pretty conflict avoidant so they rarely argue which can lead to my parents being stricter with them and B) I haven’t had a curfew since 16 and it was like 2 AM.
Then my mum said I should ask them why they have a curfew and my sibling explained that one time they came home late without telling anyone.
Another time, I might have left it alone but just the summer before, this exact thing happened to me. I went out, my mum asked when I’d be back, I said I don’t know and left. She was annoyed but there was no consequence beyond an agreement that I’d give her a better time frame than I don’t know, but there was no curfew.
I brought that up and my mum just continued to tell me to stay out of it and that it wasn’t my business.
Then my dad (50s) came out to tell me off as well. We’d already had 2 minor arguments that day already. My dad told me I should stop involving myself when it comes to my sibling and that I act like I’m trying to be an authority in the house that he pays for.
I told him it’s not about authority but that they are constantly talking down to them. Dad said he’s allowed to talk down to them because he’s their dad. I told him that they are 19, so no. He said that they didn’t ask for my help. To be fair, my sibling didn’t ask for help.
But they have complained to me numerous times that our parents are extra strict and horrible to them to the point that they paid $150 to change their flight to an earlier date.
I told him he doesn’t know what my sibling and I talk about and how our older siblings (30s) also talk to them about the way they treat us.
He said this wasn’t the right way to do it and that I should’ve taken them aside and brought it up later. This I’ll admit probably would’ve been the better thing to do, but also we’ve tried this in other situations but it just ends up with my parents insulting my sibling and I get annoyed and yelling ensues.
He told me to remember this the next time I thought about coming home for the holidays and I said if this is what it’ll be like then I won’t come. He told me not to come and that I should even just leave tomorrow, a week before my original flight. I said I will.
Looked into it and there is no way to change my flight for less than $400 but that would be more than the original flight itself cost so I feel like it makes no sense to change it. Not to mention, even though I probably could afford it, I’d have a rough go of it.
So I’m definitely stuck here, so I want to know if I’m in the wrong and if I should just apologize.
But I really feel like I was just standing up for my sibling because my parents find them easy to control.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your parents are a bit overkill, at 19 you don’t have to tell your parents where you’re going but you should let them know what you’re doing with meals that day and your rough timings so they can lock up appropriately.
At 19 it’s more about being considerate of others than being controlled. Parents can struggle a bit with how to treat adult children. This situation sounds like it needs a conversation and agreement that if you’re not back home by a certain time then please let us know your plans so we can act appropriately. Likewise, parents can do this with their children so they’re on the same page.” MashedSpider
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Mostly because you admit that there could have been better ways to tackle the issue. But, at the same time, the ‘bring it up in private later’ never works and is only useful to hide and twist the conversation the way they want it. It’s not like you argued back the issue in the middle of a business dinner with 50 guests that are not close family.
In that situation, yes, ‘bring it up in private later’. But when it’s only you four? (your parents, your sibling, and you) That’s private enough. Moreso considering that the conversation was about your sibling’s situation so they were entitled to be a part of the conversation.
They didn’t want you to bring it up in front of your sibling, why?
Because that gives them the idea that they can argue back at some point, and your parents are terrified of it. Because at that point they lose any control over your sibling. But, before they reach that point, here comes the gaslighting and the emotional blackmail. From what I understand from your post is that your older siblings also left home as soon as they had the opportunity.
I wonder why. And your parents have realized it, at least unconsciously, so they try to exert as much control as they can over the only child that will still listen to their unreasonable demands.
Never, EVER feel bad for acting as a proper older sibling.” Ahemera
3. AITJ For Washing The Dishes?
“My partner (F24) had to move across the country to finish her master’s degree.
So during winter break from classes, I (M22) flew out to spend 2 weeks living with her and her 3 roommates. Prior to winter break, we asked and made sure that the roommates (and landlord) were comfortable with me staying for such a long period and even offered to pay more in rent.
Before she moved, she would cook and I would do the dishes since she didn’t have a dishwasher then and they don’t have one now.
So in the morning after breakfast, I would clean all the dishes, that had been piling up for the last 24 hours and leave them in the drying rack on the counter since I didn’t know whose was whose or where they went.
After a couple of days of this, one of the roommates stormed into the living room fuming and started yelling at me, with my partner next to me, going off about how I don’t know boundaries and that I shouldn’t be touching her stuff without asking.
I and my partner were both puzzled so I asked what had I been touching.
To our surprise, she said that I had been touching her dishes and she didn’t like that they weren’t left in the sink where she had left them. I responded by saying I clean all the dishes and leave them on the drying rack to dry for her and others to use or put away later.
She wouldn’t let me finish and ended the conversation by stating that I have never lived with roommates and should know to respect their possessions and that I should just leave things where they are if they aren’t mine.
We haven’t had much interaction with that roommate since, since it’s a big house and I and my partner usually spend our days out of the house or hibernating in her bedroom.
But my partner says that she thinks it’s a projection of the roommate’s jealousy since her dog seems to take a liking to me more than anyone else in the house. And since the interaction, my partner will sit there in the kitchen and separate everyone’s dirty dishes to make sure that I only wash ours…
AITJ?
Because I understand respecting someone’s privacy and belongings of course but didn’t think twice about dirty dishes…”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. That’s deffo an overblown reaction. Like, if one of my roommates washes my dishes for me I’m generally appreciative and a little embarrassed that I didn’t get to it first. To be angry???
That’s strange.
I have met people who, for one reason or another, do not like other people handling their belongs, like a friend’s sister who is very germophobic and hates having others touch her, her clothes, the dishes and utensils she uses, or really any of her personal effects. Still, she didn’t berate me when I grabbed some of her dishes the first time I tried to clear the table after dinner at her house; she simply asked me to leave them and explained why she didn’t like having others touch her things.
This is to say, even though your partner’s roommate may very well have a legitimate reason to feel irritated with you, it was inappropriate of her to snap at you. And honestly??? If you don’t want other people touching your dishes, you should be prepared to wash them as you use them/not leave them in the sink.” xx_patatessautees_xx
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You said that your partner has started separating the dirty dishes since the incident. Does that mean she didn’t do that before? What did your partner do before you arrived?
It sounds to me that the roommate just doesn’t like having you around. She’s been simmering and chose to blow up over this ridiculous dish thing instead of thanking you.
I’d expect her to blow up about using the wrong hanger or something equally ridiculous next.” sixpigeons
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
She likely feels bad about having someone clean up after her and didn’t wanna be seen as someone who was taking advantage of that in any way.” revengeOftheNith
There's no problem in not doing her dishes but you have a right to the sink to do your own dishes. Perhaps ask her to stack her dishes to the side and she can do them when she is ready but the sink needs to be clean for everyone else to use.
There's something off with the whole thing. Most people are pleased when they don't have to do the dishes.
2. AITJ For Asking Family Members To Help Fund My Prom?
“I (18f) will finally be graduating from high school soon. My prom is on May 20th and I decided to reach out to family and ask for financial support by buying prom clothes instead of my mother (39f).
About 3 weeks ago, my mother lost her job during the 90 trial period because she was overworked and sustained an injury.
Since then, she has returned to being a stay-at-home mom. With the funds left over from her last paycheck, she paid $285 for my senior dues, senior trip, and prom.
While this may not seem like a lot to some people, we have always had financial struggles and this left her broke. Even though I could have gone to her SO (also the father of my youngest sister, 5) I decided not to because he already has two children of his own and is paying for a trip to Orlando Studios as well as the hotel.
I instead went to two of my aunts and asked for help. They had already offered to help pay for other things relating to my graduation, but we had turned down their offer.
My mother will not ask others for financial help, including her SO. This indirectly stressed me out and led me to make the impulsive decision to ask for help.
My dress and shoes have already been paid for and are in the process of shipping.
I feel a lot of guilt that I kept this a secret from her, but I don’t regret asking for help. I still have not told her, but her SO and I are waiting to see what kind of mood she will be in tomorrow so that I can break the news.
For a little more context, my mother has PTSD, depression, and anxiety. AITJ?
Edit: I realize I may not have added as many details as I should have. I do not work part-time because my mother wants me to prioritize school work and help take care of my youngest sister. The only thing purchased was a dress and shoes and both were bought online.
The shoes cost less than $100 and the dress was less than $200. I did not go to a boutique or anything of the like to find them. I also have every intention of using the clothes again for other formal events.”
Another User Comments:
“Your mom probably doesn’t realize that preventing you from working part-time could be undermining your ability to develop useful skills for school as well as your career.
Unless you are a very marginal student who can only succeed by having only that focus, not working at all is not a good strategy. The ability to demonstrate you can successfully juggle multiple responsibilities (volunteering, working, school) is a significant advantage in finding good employment, and being accepted into some schools or programs within a college.
Also, research shows unless a student works too much, having a p/t job enhances your academic performance. That’s because you are learning responsibilities, the ability to prioritize, use effective time management, take initiative, etc which are all life skills. My comments are coming from the perspective of someone highly experienced in career coaching, academic performance, and recruiting.” skerrols
Another User Comments:
“Your mom isn’t married but is a stay-at-home mom? Who is paying the bills? You are an adult, you need to get a job this summer no matter what your mom says. If you are going to college this fall, you need to save funds and buy supplies. If you aren’t going to college, why focus on not working now for your grades?
Everyone sucks here for asking for funds. They offered so I see why you thought it okay but I feel like you could have foreseen this and gotten a job yourself well before now. And I feel sorry for your mom – she will feel humiliated that you asked other people for things she was unable to provide.
It’s just a tough situation. But as a legal adult now, you need to start taking responsibility. Your mom is a stay-at-home mom now for one kid – you don’t need to be unemployed to watch your sister, your mom is home now to do it.” SlinkyMalinky20
Another User Comments:
“Your mother is a nice woman.
That is a lot of money for someone who lost their job and has bills and responsibilities. Why haven’t you been working somewhere and saving funds to try to earn the money for this stuff? What effort have you done to help bring down the costs? What about looking online at the marketplace? All kinds of people sell brand new dresses or only worn once for way below the cost. Maybe try to borrow shoes and accessories.
You knew your mom lost her job and you have known this was coming up. You go on about asking all these people for help instead of putting forth the effort to earn the money and or being creative to cut costs. Not very responsible of you.” mcmurrml
1. AITJ For Telling My Mom That My Sister Shouldn't Go To A Funeral On Her Birthday?
“Recently, my stepdad’s (55M) uncle (90sM) passed away.
I know he was a great man but my sister (14F) and I (16F) only saw him twice in our entire lives since he lives about two hours away from our home and most of the time my mom (47F) and stepdad went over there, it was for adult only events so we weren’t invited. My mom and stepdad have been going over there a lot to support his wife since he passed which I have absolutely no problem with, I actually think it’s a really good thing that she can get support from them since they don’t have any children.
My mom just told me that she wouldn’t be in town for my birthday since they are going to see her for the weekend, I’m a bit sad about it since my mom and I have a tradition of having breakfast together every year on my birthday for the last 16 years but I can deal with it and besides, I figured I’ll just do it with my dad this year.
The problem is that the funeral of the uncle lands one week later, on my sister’s birthday. When my mom asked me if I could take off work that day I said absolutely and I assumed that she was going to the funeral and wanted me to stay with my sister so she wouldn’t be alone on her birthday.
But actually, she expects both of us to go to the funeral since it would mean a lot to the widow.
I understand that but I told my mom it wasn’t fair to my sister to make her wake up at 7, leave at 8, be in the car for two hours, go to the funeral for two hours and then come back home at around 2 pm on her birthday.
I have absolutely no problem with her and her husband attending and I could go as well (if my dad does something with my sister so she isn’t alone). But I don’t think we should expect someone to go to the funeral of someone they barely knew for a total of 7 hours (including preparation and travel time) on their birthday.
I told my mom that and she said that my sister and I think the whole world revolves around us (when my sister doesn’t even know the funeral is on her birthday yet). So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I think regardless of the birthday or not you shouldn’t have to go. If your stepfather wanted your support then I can see the point but it’s the widow who wants you there.
You’ve met her twice and doesn’t sound like you have any relationship, and you weren’t even invited to events at their home. If they wanted a relationship it doesn’t feel like they tried all that hard. So why would it mean a lot to the widow for you to be there? Sounds like she needs more people at the funeral and you would just be a seat-filler.” Laines_Ecossaises
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ. Your sister will have other birthdays; this man only gets one funeral. You can easily celebrate a birthday on another day. You’re young, so I understand why birthdays seem like such a big deal, but they really aren’t in the grand scheme of things. You have to look at the big picture.
A man died, who your mom and stepdad clearly loved a lot. It’s natural for them to want their family near them during the funeral while they are mourning. They probably want you with them because they love you and they’re sad. Try to be patient and understanding with them while they deal with their grief.” Sugar_Weasel_
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but funerals really are important. I would suggest that you speak with your mother about it. Explain to her that you understand that going is important but will she please make an effort to have a celebration for your sister even if it’s not on her actual birthday?
That way your sister still gets celebrated and the focus will be entirely on her and not distracted by the funeral.
But in the big picture, the funeral does matter more than the birthday because there will be more birthdays.
Thanks for looking out for your sister, you sound like a great person.” Snoo_7492
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I went to a funeral for someone I had never met on my birthday 4 years ago because it meant a lot to my now husband and the family he lived with (it was their son who still lived at home).
Yeah, it was a sucky birthday, but it was just one birthday. Every birthday since has been great, so while I joke about that birthday a lot as the worst birthday ever (also because I had to go to someone else’s birthday party later that day), I don’t regret the way it played out at all.” joellecarnes
