People Want Us To Help Them Get Clarity Regarding Their "Am I The Jerk" Stories
19. WIBTJ If I Don't Attend A Thanksgiving Dinner Because Of A Sick Dog?
“I have a cousin (F 27) who has a mental condition where, let’s say, she overreacts to everything. She has this running philosophy, ‘If my dog can’t go then I don’t go.’ Her dog got Kennel cough at the daycare on Nov 10/11. Her dog has been symptomatic till about 2 days ago.
I have heard dogs are contagious for about a week after having no symptoms. I told her this, and she is still bringing her dog to Thanksgiving dinner.
She asked to ‘compromise’ and we can take turns letting the dogs roam. I said, no you need to keep your dog away from other dogs and not bring them out in public when they are sick.
I am not happy with having my dog locked in a room so that a sick tiny dog can enjoy thanksgiving. Whenever she has come over in the past, they treat my dog who is a larger Aussie like crap saying, ‘Oh she’s bigger she can handle being alone for hours downstairs.’
WIBTJ If I tell my family that I will not go to thanksgiving dinner if she brings her dog, as my dog is at risk of getting an infection?
EDIT: my dog is an ESA-certified dog for PTSD. Hers is not.
Edit 2: if I don’t bring my dog to the dinner then she would have to stay home.
The cousin is bringing her dog to my house. If she doesn’t bring the dog to dinner then she is staying at my house. Which means I would have to bring my dog to dinner so they aren’t in the same infected place. The cousin wants to bring the dog to both places, which means I would have to bring my dog somewhere else entirely to accommodate.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. And definitely don’t go. I think this is one of those moments where you can calmly tell your family that because she is being welcomed with a sick dog in tow, you will not be attending and that’s it. If she starts acting crazy and like the victim, that’s on her and you can just stay out of it from that point.
Obviously, it’s more simple to say than to do, but it’s definitely the healthiest way to set boundaries – don’t try to control what other people, just let them know what you’re willing to accept and then stick to your guns.” hannahkelli
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Vet tech here – Kennel Cough is ridiculously contagious even on surfaces so ANYONE who has a healthy dog at home should not go! She should not go. If she has a vet, she has been told that when a dog has Kennel Cough.
She’s the jerk. If she insists on going, for the sake of your own dog(s) you can’t go. Don’t risk it. Kennel Cough is no joke. It’s expensive, it’s hard on the dog, and even on a full spectrum of antibiotics, it takes months to fully recover.
SHE’S the jerk.” Equivalent-Bear-1018
18. AITJ For Installing A Six-Foot Fence?
“Recently bought a new home that wasn’t fenced. I wanted at least six feet in wood because I have a dog that can clear 4ft if she’s interested in something. So I got the permit and everything, then my elderly neighbors complained. I guess they have been here for 60+ years and didn’t want my fence up…
Well, I compromised and said between us, I could do four feet but my dog WOULD get in their yard. Well, then Edward (name changed) came along. Edward is their 64-year-old son. He is intellectually disabled. Originally I tried being friendly because I know intellectual disabilities aren’t anyone’s fault.
Then Edward started coming over, walking in my yard without an invite and knocking on my door every couple of hours so I still tried being nice… then he started saying stuff about me not being home. After that, he told my contractor that he’s been looking in my windows and coming into my yard.
I’m a single female and that just makes me super uncomfortable. So, I went back to the 6-foot fence between our homes. Now Edward screams at me whenever he sees my car, he screams about my dog and my fence, and his parents keep calling the city about me even though I haven’t done anything wrong.
The sheriff even came to talk to me and said he came up just to look like they were following up, but the city appreciates me being here.
I understand people with intellectual disabilities don’t like change and elderly people don’t like change, but…
AITJ for doing the 6-foot fence?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Keep your gates, windows, and doors locked. I hate to say it but keep your windows covered. Post no trespassing signs. Next time he is at a window press charges for peeping Tom. Install cameras for video evidence.
Landscape to make window access difficult. He may be intellectually challenged but is an adult male with troubling behaviors that can escalate. Depending on what’s happening call adult protective services and the police every time he harasses you. What happens to him when his parents pass?” WhoKnewHomesteading
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
The way you describe it, the fence is just as much about your personal security as it is about keeping your dog in. You also got all the necessary permits, so please don’t feel bad or guilty about building that fence.
While mental disability is no one’s fault, it also shouldn’t be seen as a carte blanche for inappropriate behavior. If the elderly parents can’t control the behavior of their son, other measures need to be taken like hiring a caretaker or worst case having him live in a special care facility.” Temporary-Deer-6942
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your neighbors shouldn’t have even had an opinion about your fence, cuz the only thing your fence affects is their ability to have easy access to you.
Now you know why they were trying to keep you from getting a fence, you should probably consult a lawyer just to have someone write up a very official looking cease and desist because they should not feel comfortable calling the sheriff on you anymore for wanting privacy.
Yeah, you just have to treat the parents like they are harassing you, cuz they are, and start reporting to adult protective services since their son is a grown man who is unstable and is able to harass you because his guardians are not handling his behavior.” JCBashBash
#1. He's a peeping Tom. Report him every time, every time you see him at your windows. Get cameras and turn him in with video proof.
#2. He walks, he talks, he carries conversations. He is higher functioning so he is able to go to sheltered workshop, enclave job, job coach jobs, group home, shared living, and more. He has disabilities but he is capable of more than wandering the neighborhood without supervision.
#3. Most elderly parents with disabled adult children will fight putting them anywhere away from home. Because the individual is allowed to live the life of an adult in any other living situation. Girlfriends/boyfriends, dating, spending a little of their money each month such as eating out, going to a movie, buying decorations for their living space. While at home mom/dad is their payee and they keep that money to pay bills. Which part of it should. But they often allow very little adult freedom-because "they're disabled, you know...little toddlers in bigger bodies".
They're not. They are adults, biologically, physically, emotionally, etc... They have the same s****l hormones going on, the same adult desires, and you are a single female.
#4. They are typically not predators. IF, IF, IF he got a good look at you, the imagery would likely be like a man having a playboy magazine handy.
Overall, protect you. Keep him out of your business. You deserve a fence as tall as you want. It is your property.
He needs strong boundaries. They typically learn by rote. Meaning the same phrases, same instructions, over and over and over for possibly years.
Keep filing reports for ILLEGAL activities like peeping or trespassing beyond the fence. Meaning going inside the fenced area.
I suggest you Google and find the state office over developmentally disabled adults and file a report after talking to them.
With elderly parents there is their future that needs to be planned. The parents might be middle aged and just not interested in this man being free to have his own life.
17. AITJ For Calling My Dad A Hypocrite And A Creep?
“My (15F) ‘family’ is spending Thanksgiving week at my aunt’s place. We are the second to get to town so dinner tonight was me, dad, stepmom, my little half-sister, 2 aunts and their husbands, and 5 cousins all from my dad’s side. One of my aunts asked about school and I said it’s going great except I hate walking home because sometimes guys catcall when Im walking or when they drive by.
My dad became furious that I never mentioned this to him (which I did) and said I must like the attention and I won’t be walking home from school moving forward. I was fine with that but he started saying inappropriate things about women and that he won’t allow me to be with ‘a 30-year-old creep’ (literally his words).
He kept talking so much crap and my uncles joined in until I snapped and called him a hypocrite. I reminded him my stepmom was 17 years younger than him and he had no issue being a creep when he got with her. I told him he should be more than fine with me being in a relationship with an old man since he thought it was worth it to have an affair with a girl young enough to be his daughter and he shouldn’t think he’s the only old man who wants to sleep with young women.
It literally all came out like vomit and I don’t think I could have stopped myself. But everyone in the room got quiet and my stepmom started crying and called me a jerk. My aunt told me to take my food and little sister to the living room to eat and later her son (22m) came to eat with me and told me my dad was crying hard and I should apologize.
Surprisingly he has no issue with what I said just when and how I said it. But I feel like my dad and my uncles should apologize for being sexist and saying I like attention from grown men when that’s not the case. Am I the jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – OP you make me proud, I know how hard it is to stand up to someone like that. It’s in clear sight how wrong your dad and uncles were. They are super creepy by the way. I’m glad your dad cried, it’s apparently not okay for you to be a victim of catcalling, (and somehow like the attention), he is now playing victims, bc he likely actually does enjoy the attention.
Tell your mom everything that happened and do not apologize, you weren’t in the wrong.
Their behavior was disgusting. You are 15 years old. Your ‘step-mom’ is not your responsibility, she chose to have an affair with an older, married man with kids, and then what was she expecting?
To play happy families after? They did your mom dirty. But to be fair, she was better off. I’m so happy you are standing up for yourself at such an early age. Although, the main issue is the catcalling near the school. Report that to your teachers before it gets out of hand.” Automatic_Sir_134
Another User Comments:
“If your dad wants an apology, then he should set an example and go first.
Or you could always do the non-apology. ‘I’m very sorry that the adults, like my father and uncles, felt so comfortable in saying inappropriate and derogatory things.
I’m sorry that of all the people at the table, I was the only person who was brave enough to speak up and call them out. I’m sorry the women of my family have gotten so used to these awful attitudes that my being offended made them so uncomfortable.
And I’m sorry that telling the truth about the age difference between my father and his affair partner hurt his feelings. I’m also sorry he wasn’t concerned with my feelings and the feelings of his first wife, especially given how sensitive he seems to be.
Finally, I’m sorry you all feel I should apologize because you can’t always get what you want.’
NTJ” kevwelch
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It sounds like your dad needed to learn a hard lesson, and gave it to him, brilliantly. Actions have consequences, and acted like that didn’t apply to him.
You’re right, they should apologize for saying you like the attention, when they should realize how gross it is, and how unsafe it can make you feel. I’m so sorry this happened to you, but I think it’s great that you stood up for yourself.
Your father and uncles are major jerks.” chart1961
16. AITJ For Denying A Loan To My Brother?
“So, I (25M) have a brother (30M) and a sister (31F).
For about 2 years now, I’ve been saving money to buy a house for me and my fianceé, we want a house in a good neighborhood, so we’ve been putting a lot of funds into this. I actually put more money into it, because I have a good job and actually have a good salary, but here’s the thing.
My brother and sister are not in a good financial state, my sister took some time off to deal with her anxiety issues, and my brother works as a waiter. So last week, my sister asked for some money to buy food and pay some bills, and since she is living paycheck to paycheck, I lent her some.
She told our brother and he came to me asking for a loan to buy a motorcycle, I asked him how much he wanted, and he said ‘around $2000’.
I asked what happened to the motorcycle he had and he said that he was driving with an expired license and ran into a car when he didn’t stop at the stop sign.
The police apprehended the motorcycle and fined him. When he told me that story, I said a brief ‘well, then I won’t give you money’. We got into an argument that ended with him telling me I was a bad brother, and that family should help each other.
Then, he blocked me.
Later, our mom texted me begging for me to lend him the money because he works very far and he really needs it. I said that he was irresponsible, and that was a consequence of his actions. She then told me that he would do it for me (which I know isn’t true, because I know him).
But now I can’t help to feel guilty, because his job is actually pretty far from his house, and some family members are calling me cheap and of course, a jerk. The excuse I’ve been giving them is that buying a house is expensive (which is why I said it and the start).
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, honestly it sounds like you should limit contact with your family for a bit. Even if you get their messages, just ignore them. It is not your responsibility to financially take care of your brother and the fact that multiple people are ganging up on you to try and bully you and make you feel guilty is a problem.
You need to look at their manipulations and call them what they are. They are trying to manipulate you and treat you like a piggy bank. That’s not right.” JCBashBash
Another User Comments:
“So bro is driving with an expired license and fails to stop resulting in him crashing into a car.
You’re expected to stump up the funds for a new bike. I note that he’s not saying anything about fixing the issue with his expired license, and I’m going to hazard a guess that he’s not got any insurance (I believe that having a valid license is generally a requirement for insurance; so even if he does have insurance, it’d likely not pay out.)
So basically – you’re asking if you should loan your brother funds, so he can continue to drive illegally? Really, really no jerks here – if the family are telling you what to do with your money, feel free to ask them how much they’re willing to chip in…” VastPainter
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s your money and you can lend it as you see fit. You gave some to your sister to help her pay for the necessities of her house. Your brother doesn’t need the money for anything, he wants a motorcycle, and sees the easiest way to get it is to ask you for the money.
If he needs to get to work, he can do things like take public transportation or carpool. Also taking into account his history of accidents, it would be a poor choice to put him back on the road with one.” compositionaquarius
15. AITJ For Being Disappointed With My Husband?
“I recently had a birthday. The only thing I’d asked my husband for was a day break from our kids. He had agreed to take them out on my birthday to give me a break.
The day of my birthday he kept asking if I’d be okay if he decided to schedule a job that day.
I told him I’d rather he didn’t with it being my birthday and the day I was supposed to have my much-needed break. He said okay so I thought that was that.
Then an hour later he said he had two jobs scheduled for that day and he needed to leave in 30 minutes.
So I didn’t get my break on my birthday.
He did tell me he’d make up for it this past Friday by taking the kids out all day.
Friday comes and he decides to schedule two more jobs so I still don’t get my break.
The plan turned into today, Tuesday. He had a ‘last minute emergency job’ come up today and couldn’t give me my break.
He didn’t work any other day last week. Only on the days, he had promised me.
I told him this has really upset me because I really needed a break – and still do – and that was the only thing I asked for for my birthday.
He told me I’m being ungrateful because he got me flowers on my birthday and he didn’t have to do that and he’ll give me my break this week. I told him how tf can I believe he’ll actually give me a break when the past three times he’s promised it he bailed last second.
Now he’s mad at me and isn’t wanting to speak.
Am I being a jerk for being upset I didn’t get my birthday wish?”
Another User Comments:
“Oh, dear. This isn’t a ‘wrong birthday present’ problem OP – this is a You Come Last problem.
Your man likes to work. Great. But he thinks it’s okay to make promises to you and then break them… presumably so that he can work. He also thinks it’s okay to string you along and put random jobs before ‘your’ time. Finally, he punishes you with the Silent Treatment when you point out THE TRUTH that he repeatedly ditches you… because he’d rather hurt you than feel a moment of shame or remorse for doing that (or, y’know, apologize).
NTJ for being upset OP.
Time for a serious, heart-to-heart talk with Mister Too Busy To Take Care Of My Marriage, there.” little500HondaCBR
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
He took the easy way out with the flowers, and now appears to want an award for doing so?
He’s weaponizing his work to avoid childcare. And exercising emotional manipulation. That just sucks.
If you can find a calm moment and maintain your composure, engage him in conversation so that you can explain your perspective, what your expectations were, and how they were not met.
You’ll have to get him to agree to not interrupt and to not get defensive when you objectively recount events as they occurred.
In the meantime, and the first opportunity, you could take a day to yourself. Just get up and leave the house once you’ve confirmed that he does not need to be anywhere.
Also: marinara flags here.” iowaiseast
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but it’s time to book some time away. Give your husband your dates and let him know that you will not be available and he is in charge of everything and then go to a hotel or spa or somewhere that is not home, turn off your phone, and go relax.
You obviously can’t rely on him to actually follow through on his giving you a break so you’re going to have to force that break on him. When you get back you need to sit down and have a nice chat about how you are not going to be his beck-and-call girl any longer and you are going to have regular child-free days where he will have to step up and be a parent.
Also explain to him that telling you that ‘I didn’t have to get you flowers for your birthday’ is one of the most ridiculous statements that a man can ever say to his wife about a ‘gift’ for her birthday and if he doesn’t step up his game you can go find someone that actually wants to be with you, appreciates you, and will not hold giving flowers as some kind of ultimate sacrifice.” CatahoulaBubble
14. AITJ For Not Wanting To Invite My Family To My Wedding?
“My fiance (23f) and I (22f) are due to get married in just about 7 months.
We’re really excited and have been planning this since we first started going out back in our sophomore year of high school. As we were going through who we wanted to invite the subject of my family came up and I just winced at the thought.
A little background on my family, they aren’t very supportive of me or my so-called ‘choices.’ They even kicked me out of the house when they found out I was with my fiance. I was lucky enough to stay with her and her parents until cps was called but of course, nothing was done.
So for the next 3 years, my parents made my life miserable. It wasn’t until recently that they started to reach out again but the damage has already been done. So you could imagine my reaction when she said their names. Immediately I said no they wouldn’t be coming.
But my fiance said that they are still my family and deserve to be a part of our special day. I argued back saying they were just going to ruin it and cause a scene but she said I was being childish for not wanting them there.
I ended up leaving the table before we could fight anymore. I just don’t want to see them after all the pain they caused me through the years but my fiance says I’m in the wrong if I don’t, so AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I’m very confused about how your fiancé, who surely witnessed your ‘family’ treat you terribly and how the mistreatment affected you, could think these people should be at your wedding. They didn’t even want to give you the basic care they were legally and morally obligated to when you were still a child.
There is nothing childish about not wanting people who mistreated you to be present at your wedding. Her thought that it is makes it clear that either she has a complete lack of understanding of how traumatic being mistreated is, or she has an understanding of ‘family’ that deems mistreatment unimportant trivial nothings in a relationship.
Both of these are really big problems. If you can access therapy to talk about this with her, and talk about why her minimizing your trauma is unhealthy and unhelpful (and not the act of a loving partner), I would highly recommend it.
Part of why I recommend it is that being mistreated tends to break your sense of what is healthy and normal, which makes it hard for people who have been mistreated to see when their other relationships are abusive.” KaliTheBlaze
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, It’s your wedding and your choice who you want to be there from your side. If they’ve caused that much trauma, then I completely understand you not wanting them there or risking them being a problem on your special day.
You should sit down and seriously discuss it with your partner though. Either work through it or make it clear this is what you want. If they are still demanding you include your family, then you should really reconsider getting married yet if they aren’t going to respect your wishes.
It’s one thing to encourage you to reconcile with your family and another to try to force you. If you can’t work through this, consider postponing the wedding for a while until your relationship is on better grounds.” DHCruiser
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You should never reconcile at weddings or special occasions.
If they want to build a relationship with you – you need to meet them beforehand with your fiance and see how it goes, who they are now, do they realize how they messed up, are they sorry, or do they think they are right still?
Do they truly feel happy for you marrying her?
Only then would you assess if you would invite them to the most special day of your life today.
Personally, they don’t deserve an invite at all. And your fiance’s opinion doesn’t matter – it’s your family, not hers.
She has no say on whether you want them there or not. They made their views clear through words and actions.
But if you feel there is a chance of moving forward with them, attempt it once and ask for an open and honest conversation and see what they say.
Don’t get upset or shout if it goes wrong, just walk away.” User
13. WIBTJ If I Refuse To Buy My Cousin Her Wedding Dress?
“I (24) am the youngest of all my cousins on my mother’s side who are in their 30s.
As long as I can remember my mother had been helping my aunt raise my cousins.
She sent them to school and let my aunt borrow money. She would cook and we would deliver it to their house. My dad actually helped my Aunt’s husband to get work in his field so that they can afford to buy their house.
As a kid, I was happy to share anything I have with them.
There are even times when I would receive less than them, especially on Holidays. Or times that people forgot to give me a gift on Christmas because they have to buy gifts for my cousins first. I was told that I am lucky to have parents who can afford so I should share.
I believed them and that has been the way things are growing up.
It was after I moved out of my city and eventually settled in my dad’s home country that I felt I started to have more perspective in life and learned boundaries.
This resulted in me going less and less to visit them.
Though I visit at least once a month.
Grace is older than me (30). She announced she was getting married back in February and I congratulated her. We’re close but amongst my cousins, she’s the one I tend to spend the least amount of time with majorly on different preferences and likes.
I respect her since she’s older and we had happy times together.
3 days ago she sent me a message in a half-joking manner that it’s her wedding soon (Dec) and she’s looking for that one-of-a-kind dress for me to buy.
I was stunned. Literally speechless.
I just stared at my phone re-reading the text over and over. Knowing her I knew she was not joking at all.
For info, I read it on the notification as I can see it. It doesn’t register on my message app that I’ve read it unless I open it.
For this, I was truly grateful because I didn’t know what to reply to. I’ve kept thinking about it, what if the dress was way too expensive, what if she won’t like anything? I think the wedding dress is very important at any wedding and for that, I will never dare to say I will pay for it.
Then after a few hours of not responding my aunt sent me a message nothing direct just the usual. She had messaged me at least 4 times since then but I ignored everything. The only time she would message me is when needs something and complain about how they can’t afford anything).
I feel like I don’t want to do it. I hate it when people use ‘jokes’ to ask.
That’s where I am for a day or two but I’ve made a decision to refuse. The thing is will I be the jerk if I do this?
Yes, I potentially do have the money but in the past 3 years I have had less contact with them I feel my life to have gotten better. I want to cut contact but that’s impossible with the family I have.
AITJ if I say no?
Edit: No, Grace doesn’t work but she has a side hustle that’s quite well. She did not finish uni because she took her tuition and allowance given to her by my mother on a vacation with friends and her now fiancé. They had a fallout and my mother apologized to me and we are doing well.
I was prepared to go back there to personally asked them. However one of our very close family friend passed away recently. She has leukemia and didn’t make it to chemo. I plan to approach my cousin after the funeral as everyone is trying to grieve right now.
Update: My wedding dress problem is over but for Grace, I think it’s a different happening.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, it’s not just about buying the dress. It’s about them wanting to use you and your parents for money so they can be living life easier.
And if you don’t do as they ‘jokingly ask’, they will use the family card on you. Don’t let that get to you. That isn’t family and for your parents to keep their behaviors going, they will all turn into spoiled brats. Which is exactly where that cousin is at.
She expects you to pay. Your aunt expects you to pay. That is not right. I know you mentioned it is difficult going no contact but try. Block everyone without a second thought. Stop visiting.
Once you go no contact, you may feel a weight off your shoulders of the burdens they placed on you as your ‘family’.
If they keep getting a new number or try and visit you, you can get a restraining order on them that will by law, keep them away.” Wolfielove144
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but nip this in the bud now rather than ignore them. I’m sorry that your parents seem to have placed supporting your cousin as a priority over their own child.
I’d message your cousin that you will not be paying for her dress. I wouldn’t give excuses as that just gives them something to argue with. As she asked it in a joke-like way I’d be tempted to say something like ‘haha good one. Seriously though, I can’t pay for your dress’ to try and soften it (assuming you still want the relationship).
Tell your aunt and parents too. You may have to mute them for a bit until you feel ready to deal with the inevitable backlash. Good luck.” hobalotit
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, do not back down. Never admit you have enough – they are not inside your brain – they can’t log into your bank account – so what if you get a regular salary – what if you have debts, what if you have loaned money to people, what if you are saving up to buy a home.
So what if you can afford it, it’s none of their business how much you have.
It’s insane that you would buy her a dress. She can delay her wedding until she can afford it, her future husband can pay for it, her parents can contribute, etc. She can buy a second-hand dress, go to the charity shop, wear something another family member has worn or buy something within her means or save up.
This isnt your child.” User
12. AITJ For Not Standing Up For My Wife?
“I haven’t seen my mom in a year. Last year there was a big fight between me, my wife, and my mother about how Christmas would work and who would host. My mom decided she didn’t want to see me anymore.
It sucks, but I’m not going to beg her. My wife and I have a disagreement regarding our one-and-a-half-year-old son. She thinks my mom is a horrid person for not sending him gifts, or cards, or asking for pictures. I think if my mom actually wants no contact she is doing the respectful thing.
Also, we both agree she wouldn’t be allowed to see him, so I don’t really get what my wife wants.
I have asked her to not badmouth my mom to any of my family. I want to preserve the few relationships I have left, and it is honestly embarrassing.
My grandparents gave my mom zero help with me because not their kid, not their problem, and that was with them being fairly close to my mom, so I can’t imagine how they would react to hearing my wife’s views on this.
Recently we ran into my uncle at my grandparents’ house.
It was awkward as I know that dude hates me and is 100% on my mom’s team, but we were all guilted into staying for lunch. My grandmother was trying to get my uncle to come for Thanksgiving and he got annoyed and said no she knows he spends all holidays with my mom.
My wife then asked how my mom was and I felt myself cringe. My uncle said she is great. My wife said we wouldn’t know as she never sends any gifts for our son, so maybe she is gone.
I gave her a look begging her to stop.
My uncle’s wife burst out laughing. My uncle asked if she was kidding or if she really thought my mom was going to buy gifts for a child she did not know. My wife went on a rant about how she would do anything to have any amount of contact with our future grandchildren.
My uncle laughed and said wow such a gold digger you put ‘his ex who he hates name’ to shame.
My wife immediately looked like she was going to cry but I just couldn’t bring myself to say anything. I was mortified and I’d begged her not to bring up the gift thing.
She asked if I was going to defend her. I said no and she ran out of the room. We left and she is furious with me. She says I betrayed her and my mom is going to laugh when she heard. I told her that she humiliated me and I’d begged her to stop with the gifts.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and just so you know, both your mother and your wife are gigantic jerks. BIG. HUGE.
They both are behaving as if they are in a sandbox with a few toys, and are unwilling to share with the other nice kids.
If there really is an adult in this situation, you would tell both of them this nonsense stops now.
No, you aren’t destroying your family who hosts a holiday. You will take turns like everyone does with family, and since I’m on a roll, there are plenty of people who have had loved ones pass away over the last few years, and would beg for one more holiday no matter whose house it was at.
No, you aren’t getting into any more verbal fencing situations, trying to ‘up’ someone.
If getting a divorce is what needs to happen, fine. Your first protection should be for that baby to grow up being surrounded by people who know how to behave like adults.
Seriously dude. Get yourself together. This is embarrassing.” PerkyLurkey
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Your wife needs to make up her mind. If she doesn’t want your mom in her son’s (or her own) lives that’s her right and maybe the right choice. She’ll get the benefit of not having a person she doesn’t like (and is potentially toxic) in her or her son’s life and she also will have less stress because there won’t be any more ‘big fights’.
The downside of cutting people out of your life is you also lose any positive influences they have in your lives including but not limited to financial support, material gifts, babysitting, and a potential inheritance later on. You can’t have your cake and eat it too.
You need to stand up for your wife when your family makes fun of her especially when your uncle accuses her of being a gold digger. I don’t think that label applies to her and I’m assuming you don’t agree with it either. You not agreeing with what she says doesn’t mean you need to let someone from your family insult her.
You could’ve said something like ‘I might not agree with my wife about my mother having to send gifts but I will not tolerate you insulting her. She’s not a golddigger’.” sillykn
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Man, this is a tough one, your wife put you into a hard spot.
Personally, I think both sides are in the wrong. Your wife for bringing it up in the first place, and your uncle going so far as calling her a gold digger. He could have stopped by just explaining where he stood instead of name-calling.
It’s important if you want to be in your family’s lives to preserve relationships.
But we should also be there for our wives.
Although there caveat on whether the person is acting reasonably. If your wife is saying ridiculous things, which I believe she is in demanding gifts (Tribute). So may need to have another talk to get her to let that stuff go.
Or issues will continue.” Gorill89
Another User Comments:
“I… Ugh… I don’t want to be here. Y’all sound insufferable.
Your son’s understanding of relationships will be heavily influenced by what he sees from you, your wife, and your family. The things you accept, reject, and ignore are going to help establish what he understands to be normal.
A stubborn fight over where to have a Christmas party results in writing off family members? Fixating on expectations of gifts rather than the establishment of a relationship between your son and his grandmother? Ugh. This is crap I wouldn’t want to have echoing across generations in my family.
There are all sorts of potential reasons for going no contact, but in the absence of a severe personality disorder, it’s usually a last resort after repeated problems and boundary violations. I have no way of knowing if your wife sounds reasonable in other circumstances.
I don’t know if your mother wrote you off after one stupid fight. Your passivity is not particularly impressive.
With the information I have, everyone sucks here. Except, presumably, your son. I hope he has some good role models for friendships and familial relationships somewhere.” Hekili808
11. AITJ For Not Wanting To Go On Vacation With My Pregnant Sister?
“I (f23) have a sister Julie (f30).
I have a camping vacation planned with my stepsister Eva (f27) and my stepmom Anne (f52). We are all pretty outdoorsy people and planned to spend most of the vacation going on hikes through the woods and mountains and bike rides. I know that’s not everyone’s idea of relaxing but that’s my type of vacation.
The vacation is planned for Spring next year.
Now, onto where I could be a jerk.
Julie asked us if she could tag along on the vacation. She’s currently pregnant with her first baby, and at the time of the vacation, she’ll be 7 months pregnant.
Even before the pregnancy, Julie has never been an outdoorsy person and hates exercise.
It sounds bad but I think if Julie comes we’ll have to spend the whole vacation accommodating her and listening to her complain, rather than actually doing the stuff we planned.
I’ve taken Julie on a couple of hikes long before her pregnancy, and each time she complained the entire time about every little thing and held the group behind, and treated everyone like a personal assistant.
I talked to Eva and Anne in private and explained my view.
They think I’m overreacting and being selfish and said that if Julie wants to come on vacation we shouldn’t exclude her.
I said that if Julie is going to go on vacation, then I’m not going to go.
They told Julie what I said, now she’s also mad at me and said that I’m being judgemental and that I can’t stop her from going on vacation.
She told me I’m being a crappy sister and that since she’s pregnant I should be more supportive towards her going on vacation.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Nope, you can’t stop her from going on her own vacation to this place at the same time as you.
But she can’t force you to include her in your plans just because she wants to go. And if everyone else would rather totally change what this trip was supposed to be so they can include her – which is how this is ultimately going to shake out if she comes – you’re within your rights to bow out so you can make sure you still get to do what you want to do.” mm172
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She’s the jerk for wanting to come and ruin everyone’s vacation because she will most likely not be able to do a lot of those things or at least not do them for very long being 7 months pregnant. Not even sure why she wants to go tbh isn’t that kinda dangerous for a heavily pregnant woman?
And yeah people will probably feel sorry for her and bail out of activities to keep her company when she can’t do it. Plus you said she’s not even outdoorsy anyway. Explain to her what the activities will be and say ofc I’d love to spend time with you but this is what we will be doing and it’s going to hinder our vacation plans so why don’t we arrange something for us to do aside from the vacation.” perro_abandonado
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You know how she is and she is not an outdoorsy person. Plus it involves hiking, probably multiple miles a day. She will not be able to keep up. Y’all will end up going into town, eating at restaurants, and not hiking if she goes.
If she is not used to hiking, 7 months along is not the time to start.
If she is serious, tell her starting now, there will be a mandatory hike each week. If she misses or complains, then she can’t go. Start at 2 miles and add distance and elevation and difficulty every week until she is doing 15 miles a week by trip.” User
10. AITJ For Refusing To Cook More Than I Expected?
“This year we’re spending Thanksgiving with my in-laws. My wife really doesn’t like to cook so in our marriage, I do most of the cooking. So when her parents announced a month ago that their thanksgiving would be a potluck, I knew I was in for the cooking duty.
My wife spoke with her family and then told me that we’ll be bringing the turkey. I’m okay with it and I asked how many people are coming so I’ll know how much to cook. After some discussions, I found out that there will be about 30 people but not everyone liked turkey so we settled on me cooking 2 turkeys.
Other people will bring other meaty dishes.
I bought the turkeys, and ingredients, and made preparations to cook the turkeys tomorrow morning in time for dinner. 10 minutes ago her parents called and said some people said they can’t cook their promised dishes and if I could cook more.
She gave me a list: pot roast, potato dish, my famous stir-fried green beans, a cake.
I looked at the list, looked at her, looked at the list again, and said no. At this point, they’re basically asking me to cook an entire meal. I asked if they were short on dishes because people are not coming.
She answered that people are still coming but life came up and they couldn’t cook. I asked what came up but she doesn’t know. I told her if they were coming, they can buy restaurant dishes to bring. She said I have all day to prepare and I’m cooking tomorrow anyway.
I refused and before we could argue, I left and am sitting at the coffee shop writing this.
AITJ?
Update: I went to have lunch by myself to think things over and decided this is not the hill I want to die on. I compromised with my wife so I’ll be making the turkeys as promised along with the pot roast. My wife and her mom will be going to Costco today to buy frozen side dishes and several of their tiramisus.
Her parents are older and not very mobile so I cut them a lot of slack.
We have a double full-size oven and I’ll be making the pot roast in the instant pot.
We’ll be paying for the additional items including the Costco things. Her parents are living on a strict budget and I’m not super familiar with her sibling’s financials but I know we’re better off.
Thanksgiving is not the time I want to pick this fight.
My stir-fried green beans recipe is easy: A. Prep them then dry them B. Microwave them in an uncovered bowl for 1 min on high C. Heat up the pan on high heat and lightly oil it D.
Prepare seasoning: salt, pepper, as much garlic as you like, soy sauce, and sesame oil E. Once the pan is hot, toss in the green beans to lightly sear it but not cook F. Add garlic, don’t add too early or they’ll burn G. Add seasoning to coat and to taste.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – not only are they springing it last minute on you, but they’re also springing on the person who’s already doing the main course. Man, that is shameless. Like you said, I’d go buy side dishes before I even dreamed of asking the person cooking the main course to do my sides as well.
It sounds like they didn’t plan properly on their end, and just want to push off the responsibility on someone they assume will put up with it. Super inconsiderate of them. If you were doing like a side casserole and they asked you to do another side or 2, ok.
But to ask the guy doing 2 whole turkeys on short notice to cater an entire 4-course meal with dessert for 30 people, the day before Thanksgiving, man that annoys me that they even have the audacity to ask. That is so rude.
I know it’s probably not worth causing this much of a stir over but I’d actually be tempted to tell them to find their own turkey, and bail on them altogether
Totally NTJ, your family is super inconsiderate.” jjhjh111
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Seems like you’ve already made a decision but I will still offer my two cents.
It was a major imposition to assume that you would – as you state – basically prepare the entire dinner.
Did they even offer to contribute anything to fund the meal? And guests who don’t cook do bring store-bought baked goods or side dishes to the potluck.
It’s annoying to have the other guest ditch their responsibilities with a h********d vague excuse but you don’t want to add to hurt feelings on one of the major holidays of the year.” j4ckb1ng
9. AITJ For Going On A Solo Trip After My Partner's Best Friend's Passing?
“I’m 28f. My partner is 40m. We met when I was 21 and have been together for almost 8 years. Six months into our relationship, his father got diagnosed with ALS (a type of motor neuron disease) and for the last 7 years (he passed away 4 months ago) we watched him pass away slowly.
It was agonizing for everyone involved. Literally, the worst thing I’ve ever witnessed. I fed him, bathed him, cared for him, and watched the EMTs come to our house after he fell over and over again. I watched him gasp for air in his last breaths.
We all lived together. I can’t even remember most of my 20s because I was so immersed in his father’s illness and taking care of him. I’m so screwed up from it. My partner is too he but has since moved on and was happy for the first time in a long long time.
Once he passed away it was as if a veil was lifted.
I’m a tattoo artist and work more than 12 hours a day with drawing/tattooing. I haven’t been able to breathe for the past 8 years with the ALS and my job and every other thing.
The stress is more than I can take. I’ve been by my partner’s side through it all being as supportive as I can.
4 years ago my partner got diverticulitis and almost didn’t survive. I had to feed him and change his colostomy bag and I quit my job to help him and his father.
I did this because I wanted to.
It’s been 4 months since the passing of his father. 1 year ago I planned a solo backpacking trip to Thailand next month. I need this so badly. I need to breathe. It’s been a rough go and after taking care of everyone but myself for so long, in my heart, I need this.
2 weeks ago my partner’s best friend passed away unexpectedly. It was heart-shattering. I can’t believe it. My partner is crushed and it’s just so unfair that all of these horrible things have happened to him. I’m heartbroken for him. I’m trying so hard to be there and help him while he grieves.
I’ve stayed by his side every moment throughout all of this heartache. I’ve forgotten about my own family and my own heart’s desires. I feel like a shell and I’m spent.
I’m set to fly to Thailand for a month, I leave in a week and a half.
I feel guilty. I feel like my duty has been and always will be is to cater to him and leave my needs to get to when I get to them. I’m almost running out. I’m tired and I need a break. I can’t shake the feeling that I need to be there for him as I always have.
He’s so scared of me going away and passing away. I’m trying to explain to him why I need this. He doesn’t understand the idea of backpacking especially solo. He says he’s ok with me leaving but I don’t believe him.
He knows how much I’ve helped him. I’ve been his backbone for so long. He says he’s succumbed to the prospect of me leaving but a part of me thinks he won’t be ok without me even though he says he will.
Being away I believe will make us stronger but I cannot shake this guilty feeling.
Am I the jerk for leaving?
UPDATE: I am 100% going on the trip. I’ve got a lot of thinking to do.
Another thing I need help with…
He along with his friend’s mother was on the life insurance that his friend left them.
The death was/is so soul-crushing for my partner. The death was unexpected… fentanyl. So the day after his passing friend’s mother contacted my partner saying he was on life insurance. It was a 2-minute phone call. This call was made at the absolute worst time.
My partner was a wreck and could not think straight. In the midst of his despair, he fleetingly told the mother he doesn’t want the life insurance. He found out how much it was. It’s a lot… a whole lot… 5 zeros. He realized that his best friend WANTED him to have it.
My partner is living paycheck to paycheck. He absolutely needs this money. Not saying money can fix any of the trauma, but that money is his. He is in crisis mode regarding what to say to his friends and family. He doesn’t want to go back on his word and feels he’ll never be able to see the family again if he does.
What should he do?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. First off, I’m sorry for what you’ve gone through. Secondly – you NEED this trip! You’ve gone above and beyond for this man and his family, giving up what I would argue are some of the best years of your life by caring for him and his father – it speaks a lot to his character if he tries to take this from you too.
Yes, it was your choice to do those things, but you were a 21-year-old girl. He would benefit from seeing and talking this out with a professional about his fears around passing away but that is not your responsibility to fix. You are not selfish for wanting to go.
Have the BEST time in Thailand. IMPORTANT: eat fresh mangosteen – (a purple ball fruit with a white orange slice like inside) trust me on this one!” tadpolelegss
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, don’t wear necklaces and put your leg through the strap of your backpack when it’s on the ground.
Take a business card of each place you stay so tuktuk drivers can take you home even if you can’t communicate. Get in the rhythm of putting on sunblock in the morning and at lunchtime. Have so much fun! While you have distance think about your relationship deeply.
If you sacrifice all that you are for others then what is left of you? It’s ok to prioritize yourself even when there is a crisis going on. Do not place the burdens of duty upon yourself. If he is the right guy then you will be the partner he wants, not a list of duties that he expects to be fulfilled. It will only cause resentment even if the list is created in your own mind.” BigWeinerDemeanor
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you will burn out, this is not just a lot, this is incredibly unhealthy and hard on your body.
Drowning people will pull others underwater, it does not make them bad people because it’s instinctive but it does mean that you need to be careful not to get pulled under.
Right now you are being pulled under and that is not ok.
This is not about being fair, it’s unfair what you have been through, it’s unfair what you have had to do, and spending this many years in a constant state of stress is not just unfair it is risking chronic illnesses from having a depressed immune system.
It is fair that you get a break. It is fair that you have a period of time where you have enough time to relax that you get bored because I really doubt you have had any time not working either in your professional career or as an unpaid carer, where you are not reassuring people or dealing with crises or secondary trauma.
You have found a rope and need to remember that your health is just as important as anyone’s before you end up crippled.
You are a champion and deserve all respect but you are a dummy if you are questioning if not turning crispy from burnout makes you a bad person.
You have been through so much and had so much not to be acknowledged. Several months to recalibrate away from care work are the bare minimum.” HannahAnthonia
8. WIBTJ If I Require The Guests To Remove Their Shoes?
“My partner and I bought a house. I do all the cleaning, I prefer to, because well, he is a man. No offense to the males but his idea of clean is far from my idea of what’s clean.
We are hosting a X-mas party for my family.
My first time ever being able to, and I am very excited! I went out and bought Xmas slippers in all different styles and sizes. My partner asked why we had a huge basket of slippers by the door and I told him. I plan on telling everyone that they have to remove their shoes before entering the house, but I have slippers for everyone and they are welcome to bring them home after the party.
My partner is saying I am being a jerk because I shouldn’t expect people to feel comfortable taking their shoes off. I asked my sister what she thought, and she said I am being weird. That some people choose shoes to go with their outfits, or just don’t want to take them off.
That I should just get over it and let them wear what they want.
I don’t allow shoes in the house normally. I have 2 cats that will eat whatever is on the floor. From dirt to fur, to leaves that blow in. And I also, just hate the thought of things being ground into my floors.
I am giving out slippers, am I really a jerk for expecting the rules of our home to be followed?
EDIT: me cleaning because I do it better is an ongoing joke/silly argument I have with my partner. I should have just pointed out that I alone am the one who always cleans.
Until he moved in with me, he never had to clean a day in his life. He does help, but I always end up redoing whatever he did. I did not mean to say a man is incapable of cleaning, I just meant MY MAN is.”
Another User Comments:
“If you don’t allow shoes in the house normally, shouldn’t everyone, including your husband, be aware of this expectation already? Why would anyone be surprised?
Shoes-inside etiquette varies wildly. Plenty of places where it’s generally incredibly rude to wear shoes inside. Seemingly there are people who get offended about being asked to de-shoe.
There’s no single right answer.
Personally, I can’t imagine not respecting whatever the host’s wishes are because it’s their home.
It’s odd that you have a different etiquette to your own family, though, because normally it’s your family that you get it from.
NTJ” Left-Car6520
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but I would get some slipper socks, the fluffy socks with the grippy stuff on the bottom, as an option as well. Especially if someone has very wide, very large, or even very small feet those may be more comfortable for them.
I’d be so happy if I got to take home new holiday socks or slippers from a party. I would include this as an asterisk note on your party invitations though so everyone knows. That way no surprises or arguments. And you might have to make an exception if someone has a legit medical issue.
Right now I have walking casts on both legs that I cannot remove and walk. Other people have special orthotic shoes or inserts they must wear. So maybe get a box of shoe covers as well? That would be useful in the future with any repair people you have come to the house.” Americanhealth74
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your house, your rules. Just let people know in advance, maybe some people will not feel at ease taking their shoes off (body odor or other stuff) so they can prepare ahead of time or bring their own slippers after all.
I have to say however that your stance about your man having the wrong idea of clean is one of the reasons why men have been capable of remaining useless for years. If after he cleaned it, it’s not clean, then you need to have him clean it again.
Explain to him why if he doesn’t see it. If however, you are a ‘neat freak’ then own up to it but don’t use gender to justify your stance.” JullabyBye
7. WIBTJ If I Don't Loan My Mom Money?
“I (26F) have a complicated relationship with my mom (56F). I love my mom but I don’t like her. She and my stepdad (50M) were very controlling and frankly mean to me in my teenage years, I’ve learned to just love her from a distance, we send memes back and forth but don’t have any real conversations because one of us will end up upset.
I have no contact with stepdad other than seeing him during family gatherings 2/3x a year.
One example to illustrate our relationship: when I was 19 I was home from uni and my parents went on a weekend trip, I asked to have one of my high school friends over and they agreed. At some point my stepdad messaged me asking if we can go back to the living room because he can’t see us in the security cameras and he wants to see what we were doing.
My friend was so uncomfortable she apologized profusely and said she didn’t want to stay there for the night, which I completely understood. Didn’t talk to her much after that. I told my mom how embarrassing and inappropriate that was later that week and she took his side and said they believe I have a significant other and turned it into a lecture on how I’m irresponsible (I did not have a partner but even if I did… I was 19?).
That’s one example of many, they did a lot of damage in my formative years.
My mom’s salary is 3x my stepdad’s and 1.5x mine. He lives way beyond their means so they don’t have savings. His most recent purchase is a 6k meat smoker that my mom specifically told him not to buy but he bought anyways… just to give you an idea.
Mom recently bought a house that she can only afford if she sells her old house. It’s been on the market for 2 months because my stepdad refuses to accept an offer below a certain number (1.7mil). She asked me to help cover the down payment for the new place because they will lose their deposit if it falls through.
I loaned her all my liquid savings – 45k. She says it’s not enough and is asking me to take money out of my investments or refinance my mortgage to help her. I left her on read and now she is listing out all the money she has spent on me from birth.
I want to tell her I’m not responsible for her poor financial planning but arguing with her brings up so much trauma and I’d rather just do what she wants so she leaves me alone.
WIBTJ for continuing to leave her on read?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for not answering.
It’s totally legit for you to make the choice not to loan your mother more money – it sounds like you’ve supported their poor financial choice with an almost ruinous level of generosity of your own.
You don’t have to engage.
In the broader situation, your mom and stepfather sound like jerks. But she needs to know what her financial position is, and you can tell her. Leaving her hanging is cruel – it gives her hope. The fact that you’re doing it to avoid drama is understandable.
But just tell her ‘I already gave you everything I can give you. I can’t take the kind of risk you’re asking me to take by giving you any more. I’m sorry, but I can’t’. Then you can leave her on read all you want.
I would.” BigBayesian
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You already gave her more than you should have, with stepdad’s spending habits and control over the house sale you may never get that money back.
Do NOT give them any more money, they will keep bleeding your savings until you have nothing left. They DO NOT CARE about you, they (especially him) only care about what they want.
Leave her on read, and if she manages to talk to you. Tell her that until they pay that money back you have NO more to give. Repeat, repeat, repeat. DO NOT dig into your savings, or investments, or remortgage and risk losing your home!
And for your own mental and financial safety, have as little to do with them in the future as possible.” bkwormtricia
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Your mother and stepdad for obvious reasons.
You, to yourself, for going through all the things you did from them growing up and then still giving your mother $45k.
And then thinking you’re the jerk if you ignore her and don’t give her more money. She’s obviously done a ‘decent’ job on your mental state if she’s still got you wrapped around her finger like this.
Get your money back, sue her for the $45k if she refuses, and then go no contact with them both.
You’ll be doing your future self a massive favor.” NowWithMoreChocolate
I really hope you get the 45k back. Sadly I don't feel you'll have it paid back.
6. AITJ For Demanding The Neighbors Pay To Fix Damages The Kids Caused To My House?
“My father bought the house in the 80s and held onto it as different developments sprung up around it. I inherited it 3 years ago and have been living in it since. I have 2 acres while my surrounding neighbors have maybe 1/2 an acre if they’re lucky.
The house is fairly small (2 bed 2 bath) so I have a very large front and back yard. I use maybe 1/5th of the backyard as a garden and the rest is basically an empty field. I’ve always loved kids so I was happy to let my neighbor’s kids play in the field with the understanding that they would respect the property.
Most of the kids are great, very respectful, and understand that this is not their backyard. The problem is with my neighbors to the right.
They have 5 kids (f1, m3, m5, f5, and m7) who generally run around unsupervised. They don’t come to my yard to play very often unless the other kids are playing soccer or baseball.
The 7-year-old is ‘in charge’ as much as a 7-year-old can be but obviously, he can’t replace parental supervision. 5 days ago the kids were playing baseball and he must have lost track of the 5-year-olds at some point because when I came home from work I found their names sharpied onto my wall (name and name were here) along with some rude drawings (a man pooping, several piles of poop, that sort of thing) all along the right side of the house.
I found their parents the next day and asked them to pay for the paint I’ll need to cover it up, they were very offended, accused me of lying and said they weren’t going to pay. If this had been all I probably would’ve let it slide and covered the paint since it would only be like 20 dollars but later that day m5 decided it would be funny to throw rocks at my house.
There are several dents in the siding where the rocks hit and two of my windows are broken. From what I’ve been quoted to fix it it’s about $800-$900 worth of damage. I talked to the parents who accused me of doing it myself to make their kids look bad.
I’ve decided those 5 are not allowed to use my yard until the damage is paid for, which I think is more than fair. When they came by this morning to play soccer with the other kids I politely explained the situation and said they would have to leave as they aren’t allowed to play here anymore.
The 7-year-old was very upset (sadder than a temper tantrum which is understandable) but the 5-year-olds were very angry. About an hour later their mom came by and cussed me out, yelling at my doorstep about how I’m a horrible person who hates children because I’m ‘bitter and can’t find a husband’.
I’m standing my ground either way but a few other parents came by and seemed a little frustrated by my explanation as to why that family is no longer welcome which is making me question things. AITJ for banning them from playing here?
Edit: I will be installing cameras, I dug my dad’s old trail cams out of the garage so I’ll put those up either tonight or tomorrow.
I am aware of the liability issues with kids playing in my yard, I’m willing to risk it.
I don’t want to put up a fence, I think they’re ugly. The property line is clearly marked.
I will not be banning the entire neighborhood unless I absolutely have to.
Edit 2: I also have a meeting scheduled with my attorney to discuss the possibility of drawing up a liability waiver for the parents to sign.
Edit 3: I’ve called CPS, and they think everything is fine
5m was still throwing the rocks when I got home, several other kids in the neighborhood also let me know what happened. That’s how I know it was him.
Edit 4: they’re also usually supervised. Typically there’s a parent or two hanging around anyway and I work from home so the kids know to knock on my door and ask me to watch them if their parents are busy.
I am also looking into an umbrella policy that would be more likely to cover any injuries that occur.”
Another User Comments:
“Definitely NTJ
Their parents should 100% have apologized for the drawings and the damage and offered to pay for whatever needed to be fixed. Coming over and yelling at you is even worse.
Also, what kind of crappy parents leave 5 kids all under the age of 7 to play outside by themselves?
I feel bad for the kid. They sound like terrible parents.
The other thing is, you should probably stop letting any kids play in your yard anyways and put up a no trespassing sign. As crazy as it seems, if you let them play on your property and one of them gets hurt, you could end up getting sued…
that’s our fantastic legal system.” Tdluxon
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I understand, not wanting to involve the cops and not really needing the money from them, but it is the principle of it all. By letting this go, not only you are appearing as if your doormat, but these kids are not learning any lesson.
The way those parents spoke to you, they don’t deserve your niceness.
To know that their kids did it but yet still being unreasonably rude and cursing you out is very disrespectful. I highly suggest you install cameras around your property and reach out to the police and file an official complaint.
The only way the parents and those children will learn is if they face the consequences for those actions.” Chantalle22
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Put up a sign stating your property is off limits to all children since damage to your house has occurred. Since you have been approached about how you handled vandalism on your property by various families, you have made the decision to end all playing activities on your property.
All trespassers will have the police called.
No one gets to tell you how to conduct yourself on your own property. They have become entitled to your space and it’s time to take it back. As well as work towards putting up fencing all around your property.” gemma156
5. AITJ For Refusing To Live With My Sister?
“When I was 19, I (M31) was involved in a car accident (no serious injuries, thankfully) and spent weeks in the hospital afterward.
While I was in the hospital, I began to discover Christianity and eventually got baptized; since then, religion has been very important to me. By this time, my sister ‘Cora’ (F29) had already discovered that she was an atheist, so naturally she was unhappy with my newfound faith.
Over the next few years, we’d both try and convert each other to each other’s point of view to no avail, before we finally got into an argument in which we both admitted we’d lost respect for one another. We hadn’t spoken since until recently.
Last week, Cora called me out of the blue and told me that she’d been evicted and that she and her partner needed a place to stay for a month or two until they can find a new place and get back on their feet.
I thought about this for a second, but eventually decided against it – before I say anything else, the main reason I decided against letting Cora move in with me was because of our relationship (or, more accurately, our lack thereof), and her faith has little to do with it.
I told her such, and Cora then started yelling at me and calling me a bad brother, telling me to burn in the underworld before hanging up. I don’t think I did anything wrong; because of our poor relationship, I don’t think letting her stay with me would be wise, and I think she was trying to use me as well.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but if you want to ever have a relationship with your sister, you could have been kinder even while rejecting her request to live with her by offering her some assistance in finding a place.
You should keep in mind that her reaction TO YOU is being dictated by her own dire circumstances while your reaction is a result of your strained relationship.
She has a reason to feel upset and helpless and that’s why she reacted so hatefully when you turned her down. Unlike you, her feelings had nothing to do with your strained relationship. While you may not have kept up contact recently, the fact that she called and asked you for help is an indication that the strains you see between you two are strains you mostly only see.
I’d bet anything her lack of communication is far more due to her having a partner than anything else.
That does NOT mean you are wrong for feeling the way you do, but you are wrong to react to her as if her reaction to you saying no is a result of your previous strained ties.
What is truly sad is how ironic it is that you probably passed up the best chance you have ever had to demonstrate the virtues of your Christian faith by choosing to be generous to her in her time of need.
This does NOT mean letting her and her partner move in, especially since you probably don’t know him much (which would be the only reason you’d need to justify NOT letting them move in) it only means putting the past aside to help her in other ways even if she doesn’t act appreciatively initially.
Also, while she is an atheist, you should keep in mind what the Bible says about helping others. It’s pretty clear about the need to be selfless and putting the needs of others before grudges especially when it comes to your own family.
The fact that this didn’t immediately occur to you when your sister begged you for help indicates she had a point about the faith you profess to have.” JohnnyinCentralTx
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. She shouldn’t be asking you to let her and her partner move in with you. But you two are both off-the-chart zealots. Atheists typically don’t care if you are Christian or not. And atheists don’t try to force their beliefs on other people.
The real problem is, Christians, DO try to convert people. Furthermore, they (Christians) view a denial of their religious beliefs as an effort to convert. You say the two of you tried to convert each other and lost respect for each other. More likely…
You never respected her.
She respected you until you pushed her too hard, trying to ‘save’ her at which point she snapped.
But I don’t think she’s an atheist anyway. She engages in three behaviors that are not typical of atheism. Atheists are very tolerant of all religions, don’t try to convert other people, and do not believe in the underworld.
But regardless if the facts are not quite as stated, everyone sucks here.” Ambitious_Amoeba1992
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You recognized that you were both inappropriate in trying to ‘convert’ each other to your respective ways of thinking instead of having the grace to let others decide.
Relationships like that are a problem. You should restore the relationship in a healthy way before living under the same roof. Unless your communication and relationship skills have improved, you’ll just fall into old patterns. Your sister demonstrated that by immediately yelling and calling you a bad brother when she didn’t get what she wanted. You should both stop trying to force your ways onto each other and learn to enjoy each other as you are.” sbh56
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. In the first part, you’re both jerks for continuing to try to convert each other when you knew the other had no interest in converting. You both seem to have made it a competition, which is highly ridiculous.
Atheists don’t usually convert people. It seems she started doing this when she realized you had no respect for her beliefs, which is likely the main issue she had with you converting, to begin with.
In the second part, she should not have asked you to take her partner in that you don’t know.
But the fact that you wouldn’t have been ready to take her in if it was just her, in a time of need, while she is in essence, homeless, is downright spiteful, (especially since you admitted it had nothing to do with her faith).
She asked for help, she wasn’t ‘using’ you. You are a bad person, let alone a bad ‘Christian,’ and worse yet, you are a bad brother. You have lost your sister. You could have used this opportunity to try and fix issues from the past.” Automatic_Sir_134
Regardless of your personal issues, I think you are not as religious as you are wanting to think you are.
However, the only thing I really think you BOTH are jerks for is trying to change each other's beliefs. People should be loved for who they are, not who we want them to be. Loving doesn't mean agreeing with, it means being there.
4. AITJ For Telling My Dad That He's Not A Good Father?
“A few days ago, I (30F) was leaving our small town to go to a metro-city hospital for a minor procedure. My father (58M) came to pick me up and drop me off at the airport. He was using my car while I was gone.
He is very fit and strong and I am a small woman. I was struggling with my luggage, and he knew that pre-op, I should not lift extra weights, but he did not offer to help – he does these things often. In contrast, when my sister-in-law carries even a small bag of groceries, he runs to help.
I was put off but did not say anything. My brother did the same thing again yesterday – he still helps his wife and female friends, but while he has relied on my affective labor for years, he has never paid anything back. I have learned to be very independent as a result, but being vulnerable pre and post-op made me reflect on this.
Of course, this goes back to our entire childhood. My father worked less than my mom but never helped with any chores, or childcare. Instead, he always gave her ‘work’: dinner parties, houseguests, etc. He was abusive to my mother when she protested – and at times, to me and my sister.
He is the ‘nice guy’ for outsiders and has a respectful life. I remember my mom being completely submissive until I was 7-8, but after a while, she started fighting back, and she became a difficult person, abusive back in words with him (and often being short-tempered with us).
While I do not justify what she did, she has apologized profusely in both words and practical ways. My father has acknowledged that he mistreated my mom and has tried to make amends, but he has consistently denied any mistreatment to my sister and me.
They are still together, but the dynamic has shifted.
Last night was one of those nights: I was not there, but have seen it play out. My father was passive-aggressive for days until my mother started arguing. Their argument turned into a full-blown one. Today, my brother who had never endured my dad’s mistreatment, was sarcastic about my mom being a tyrant.
I responded soberly to him that the women in our family have learned to demand to be treated with basic respect because asking nicely has not borne fruit. And I mentioned the luggage incident as a ‘minor example’ of what our mother endured for years.
My brother responded that if this bothered me, I ‘lack emotional intelligence.’ That hurt.
A little later my father called and asked if he could talk to me. I responded that ‘no, you cannot, until you become a better father to my sister and me; until you show to your son that he cannot call me emotionally unintelligent for expecting a strong man whom I have consistently served to lift my heavy-for-me luggage in return’.
My father started crying and said that he knows he was wrong, but he has excuses and I told him ‘sorry but’ doesn’t cut it anymore. My brother is calling me a jerk for not having a compassionate response. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
When your brother called you emotionally unintelligent, he meant to call you difficult to subdue.
It seems that the patriarchy in your family is finally being called to justice, so to speak, and they don’t like finding themselves on the other end of the stick.
They’re sorry they ‘got caught,’ not that they were abusive. If your mom hadn’t developed an aggressive stance towards your father, things would be the same to this day and he wouldn’t feel remorse as long as she kept playing the role he envisioned for her, you, and your sister.
Your brother’s comment was daft and shows clearly as water that he’s grown to be his father’s son and would continue to disrespect the women in his life if they let him.
You are entitled to expressing your feelings.” MCbolinhas
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
When you are confronted with your heavy suitcase/shopping bags/other things you should expect help with, you stand and look at it/them.
When your brother/dad says come on or asks what you are doing you look confused and say something like ‘would you expect your wife or DIL to carry it/do it? No? so why do you expect me to? Why would you not treat me with the same kindness?’ If they don’t ask say it anyway…
If he won’t do it or fights or moans you SAY THIS..’To be clear you won’t help me and that is not our relationship that is the position you have taken’ and then you stop helping him. He asks you for something you say something like ‘That is not the relationship we have you have made that perfectly clear.
I won’t do anything for you that you are capable of doing for yourself. I won’t help you or do you favors because you don’t want that relationship. Relationships run two ways and you don’t do your part and I am no longer being a MUG.’
People treat you the way you let them. BUT and it’s a big one if you have allowed them to treat you badly or take advantage for years you have to be aware there is going to be so kick back when you finally stand up.
They won’t like it it requires effort on their part.” Whitestaunton
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but…
Don’t become your mother. Your dad wants to change. You should help him be a better person. Be assertive without being a jerk. At the airport, you should have said ‘Dad, I’m not supposed to lift heavy stuff, could you give me a hand, please?[‘ instead of saying nothing and then seething about it for a long time.
Many people will tell you it’s not your job to fix him and that’s technically correct. But you know what? It’s not my job to fix homophobes either but I work on it when I meet one because it could make the world a better place and reduce the likelihood that others will have to put up with homophobia.
If you want to have a better family, work to make one. But if you just want to be free of it, that’s okay too.
And feel free to call out your drama queen tattling brother for running right to dad to say ‘hey sister said this bad thing about you’ because I’m betting (don’t disappoint me) that you didn’t run to mom and say ‘hey brother said this bad thing about you’.
The adult reactions include sympathizing with you or saying to dad ‘Dad, I can’t believe you didn’t help pre-op sister who can’t lift things carry unload and carry her own bags at the airport. What were you thinking?'” Curious-One4595
3. AITJ For Asking My Son And His Fiancée To Pay Rent For My Winter Cabin?
“My late wife and I invested in a small winter cabin years ago. I’m the owner now after her passing.
My son (22) is getting married to his soon-to-be wife in a month. They had no money for a destination honeymoon, they were barely able to plan the wedding. He asked if they could spend their honeymoon in my winter cabin and I agreed but under the condition that they pay me.
He acted all shocked and tried to argue that it was his mom’s cabin too but I pointed out how I’m the owner now and that I pay to keep it maintained. He got upset and accused me of being materialistic and selfish after I’d already been unhelpful with the wedding.
I told him I did the same thing with his aunt and it wasn’t personal. He left with his fiancee and told the family about it.
Now I’m being berated left and right and am being told to let him use the cabin and shamed me for asking for money.
INFO: I already told him a million times that getting married so soon was not a good idea but he refused to take my advice and had no regard for my opinion on the situation.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. He’s your son, not a random family member or friend.
Knowing that money is tight for him & your DIL you should gift them the stay. You pay for maintenance of the cabin regardless if anyone is using it so that’s a moot argument. I hope this isn’t the hill you want to die on & ruin the relationship with your son.
You shouldn’t be surprised if/when he goes no contact with you along with other family members that see you being a massive jerk & a greedy jerk to your own child.” Empty_Amoeba9927
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
It sounds to me, based on the info added, that you think your son is getting married too soon and you’re using this as a way to punish him for getting married anyway.
He’s 22. If you plan on keeping him in your life, and care about him, you’ll do what you need to in order to maintain the relationship with him. If their marriage works out, you’ll want to be there for all the milestones – buying a house, having kids, etc. And if it doesn’t work out – don’t you want to be there to support him as he navigates that?
You’ve decided that punishing him for getting married is more important than maintaining the relationship, and that’s really unfortunate.
What I think you should do is apologize, let them use the cabin, and if it makes you feel better leave a list of cleanup they need to do at the end of the week so that you don’t have to worry about ‘maintenance’.” Beckylately
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
He is your son. You don’t charge your child to use a week of the cabin. He is asking for this to be their wedding gift from you. You said, ‘sure, but you are paying for it.’
Whether you think they are too young to get married or not, they are getting married. At some point, they will likely have kids too.
At this rate, you’ll be lucky to be invited to the wedding and they will likely go low contact or no contact moving forward. Now, you get to be alone for the rest of your life… unless you re-marry.
Good job!” BonusMomSays
2. AITJ For Calling Out My Friend's Gender Stereotyping?
“I (23F) was talking with a friend (22nb) Kiera who recently came out as non-binary (NB). We were at a little get-together at a mutual friend’s house and we started talking. Now my friend hasn’t seen me since before 2020. That was when I had really short hair, kind of like a boy’s haircut.
But when the global crisis happened, I just stopped cutting my hair and let it grow out. It’s now past my shoulders.
So Kiera comes up to me and tells me how surprised they are about my hair. I explained what happened and how I just decided to let it grow out on a whim.
They asked, ‘so are you back to being a girl now?’ I asked them what they meant and they said they thought I was trans or NB because I had short hair and dressed masculine (we were never super close so I guess they didn’t know me well enough and just assumed).
I laughed and said no, I’m just a bit of a tomboy and I’ve always been a girl. Kiera laughed and said, ‘that’s just another way to say, closeted genderqueer.’ I was kind of confused by this and told her I’ve always been a huge Tom boy growing up (wore my brother’s clothes, played with his toys, played with boys, was always a boy when I played pretend, hated puberty, etc.) but I’m still a woman.
Kiera smirked and said, ‘I’ve got some news for you friend, you might not be as much of a woman as you think.’
I asked Kiera what they meant by that and they said, ‘well I was the same way as a kid but I was able to have the courage and confidence to accept my NB identity, you might want to do some reflection if you can’t see it yourself.’ I responded by saying, ‘so if I don’t do stereotypically feminine things then I’m not a woman/girl?
That’s really sexist, you might want to reevaluate how you see gender stereotypes and gender roles.’
Kiera kind visibly annoyed and said I was invalidating their identity and being transphobic. I told them that I was happy they felt confident enough to be who they were but insisting everyone who doesn’t follow 1950s-esque gender stereotypes is not a man/woman is incredibly regressive.
Kiera just huffed and walked away. Later that night our mutual friend said Kiera told them they were really offended by our conversation and they felt unsafe because of it.
AITJ? I’m just really confused. I have no problem with Kiera and them being NB, I’m happy they felt they could finally be who they are but insisting I’m NB or trans and in denial just because I’m not a girly girl is kind of ridiculous.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Kiera is, though, for being toxically aggressive and then claiming they feel unsafe when you refuse to be bullied. They are the one who was invalidating your identity.
This situation does highlight an interesting aspect of social progressiveness. On the one hand, there is a rejection of outdated gender roles by people who don’t see those roles as defining or even necessary to their gender.
This is a good thing. On the other hand, there is increasing acceptance of trans and NB people, which is also a good thing but can be at odds with the first thing because some trans and NB people adopt or reject traditional gendered roles or clothing, hairstyle, adornments, etc. as a significant part of their trans or NB identity.
Kiera’s mistake, aside from being rude, was in not recognizing that both things can and do exist and both are okay.” Curious-One4595
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. People like Kiera are distressingly common these days, I find. They’re so obsessed with their perception of gender roles themselves that if they or someone else steps one or two out of line regarding what they consider feminine, then that person automatically has to be ‘non-binary’ or ‘trans’.
We need to bring back terms like ‘tomboy’, honestly. I have no doubt I would have had Kieras telling me I was trans/NB when I was younger because I liked to play sports and video games and enjoyed other hobbies that were considered traditionally ‘masculine’ when I was a kid.
It’s sort of bitterly amusing that people so obsessed with ‘destroying’ the ‘gender binary’ are usually the ones with rigid ideas of gender roles in their heads.
Kiera sounds utterly exhausting. Unfortunately, I’ve met lots of people like that in my city, though, who are so emotionally fragile they can’t handle their worldviews being criticized even as they actively try to force them on others.” ramessides
Another User Comments:
“Definitely NTJ but try not to be too hard on Kiera. You are definitely right that they overstepped by saying if you aren’t trad femme then you don’t know your own identity, that’s super rude. I’m not particularly feminine either but I am definitely comfortable being a woman, thank you very much.
Don’t stop calling them out, and other friends who might say the same, because that needs to happen. But do try not to be too offended, Kiera is obviously working on coming to terms with their own identity and when you are at that stage in your life when you are learning a lot about yourself it’s easy to project that onto others without realizing what you’re doing is wrong.” tahituatara
1. AITJ For Embarrassing A Child In Front Of His Peers?
“My son’s school releases some annual merch for the different houses and it’s an extra cost that we have to pay to pre-order. I gave my son $50 to get the hoodie and the change would be his to do whatever.
That day my son came back and told us his wallet had disappeared from his bag. I gave him more money just for the hoodie and we reported the missing wallet to the school but nothing turned up.
On Monday I was waiting to pick up my son when this lady came and introduced herself as ‘Bob’s’ mother.
She handed me my son’s wallet (it has his name on it) and apologized and said she found it in Bob’s room and he confessed that he’d stolen the wallet to pay for his own hoodie since she couldn’t afford it and gave the change to her as the money he found on the street.
She reimbursed me half and promised to give the rest at a later stage but I told her to just keep it. The money wasn’t the problem, it was the disrespect of digging through someone else’s stuff with the intention to steal.
I was raised to own up to my crap and apologize directly to myself.
Not to hide behind my mother’s skirt so I asked where Bob was. She went and brought the kid over and he started apologizing. I stopped him and told him that he didn’t steal from me so he was apologizing to the wrong person. We waited a few minutes until my son came out with his friends.
He restarted his apology but you could barely hear anything from the softness and stuttering so I told him we couldn’t hear and that he should speak up. He raised his voice but all he said was sorry.
My son asked what he was sorry for and Bob went quiet so again I jumped in again to tell him we had to get back home so he should hurry up.
Bob started tearing up so his mother explained everything to my son, and apologized again, he accepted it and we went our separate ways. When we got home, I naturally told my wife and she scolded me for intimidating and embarrassing the boy (he’s 13) in front of his peers just for wanting to fit in.
The merch isn’t something that everyone gets so I don’t get the whole fitting in the narrative that strong as if he’d stand out when that’s frankly not the case. I wasn’t overly mad or shouting at him. But I see how I could be a jerk so AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – the boy did the crime, and it was his punishment for that – he may well think twice about stealing again/decide it wasn’t worth it… which would serve him better going forward in life than thinking stealing is a good idea.
NOT having to deal with consequences would help him think it’s not a bad idea to try that again… and that would be a shame because next time he could get into far worse trouble for it. Looks like the school didn’t get involved, because if they had he should have been suspended, or even expelled, for stealing from another student.
Trying to fit in is something kids do, but they should be taught that it’s not worth the cost of losing their integrity over it. You likely taught him that.
That all being said, if you have the means to do so – perhaps next round you could help set up a program to help the kids who can’t afford such to get some help with that… maybe a small fund to subsidize a couple of them… that would be a really nice thing to do if it’s in your budget.” ImKiliW
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ – you’re right to ask for an apology FROM the person who actually did the stealing, but you should have let that apology occur in private, without the other boys around. Your need to defend your son maybe led you into being a bit too aggressive in the situation.
The boy’s apology to your son could have been a letter, or it could have been a one-to-one conversation, but the family’s circumstances are private and probably a great source of shame for them both (hence the son’s behavior – not wanting to ask his mum or the school for help).
Certainly, I’d suggest you make it up by not chasing her to repay you, and maybe apologize to the boy for embarrassing him. That’ll maybe help him learn how men take responsibility when they screw up, even unintentionally.” risen87
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is a difficult lesson to learn for the thief, but an important one and he will probably remember that moment for a long time.
Firstly, you should thank bob’s mother for coming forward and being honest, depending on how she interpreted the outcome she might be less inclined to do the right thing in the future.
However, it can be a fine line between teaching someone a lesson and bullying, if your wife thinks it was crossed then bob’s family might feel the same.
I think it would be appropriate to follow up with everyone involved, to explain your intention was to teach right from wrong but never to shame someone for their own economic situation. This could be an opportunity for both kids to start earning their own money together raking leaves, shoveling snow, etc. There’s even an opportunity for your son and Bob to become friends.” Armbrust11
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for trying to force the kid to speak up and hurry up when he was already tearing up and trying to apologize. He should not have stolen from your son and absolutely needs to apologize for it. He’s old enough to know better.
On the other hand, you have no idea what the context was here. For all you know, this kid has a trauma history. His mother explained to you that she couldn’t afford the $50 and couldn’t even pay you back all at once so that means money is genuinely tight and you have no idea what might be going on at home because of that.
The part I think was overly humiliating in your story was where you (the family with money) are being pushy about the exact words and tone of his apology in a public setting when he was trying to do it but struggling with the humiliation.
It sucks to feel like the poor kid in front of obviously more well-off kids.” Upstairs_Account_212
