People Take Us Through Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
22. AITJ For Getting My Coworkers Fired?
“Towards the beginning of the year, I started a new job as a ‘data specialist’, which is just a fancy term for logging data and giving the information to my manager.
This position requires no degree or special training, you just have to have a basic understanding of how to use computers. The job pays pretty well, we all get a few dollars above minimum wage and pretty good benefits.
I’m part of a team of 8 people. I’m currently going to school for software development (relevant later).
About 2 months ago I got frustrated with how tedious the job is, they have no automated way of doing anything regarding data entry.
We were also weeks behind because of this. So, in my free time, I decided to make a poorly put-together program to log the data and spit out trends. I tested it for a couple of days, and when I felt it was good enough, I emailed my manager and asked if I could use it.
He kind of brushed me off and told me he doesn’t care how we get our work done as long as it gets done and we don’t waste time.
I sent an email to my teammates about the program, and they all decided to give it a try.
After about a month higher-ups started to notice how much more work was getting done and requested a meeting with me.
As it turned out, only one other person and I were actually getting more work done. They asked if I intentionally withheld the program from my other teammates to make myself look good.
I showed them the email exchange where they all said they were going to use it, and I was dismissed.
As it turned out, 4 of them were using the program, but were using their newly found free time for personal activities and were fired for stealing time, and the higher ups couldn’t prove that the other 2 were doing personal activities on company time so they were put on probation because there were discrepancies with how long it took the data to be processed and how long it took them to submit their work.
I got a message last night from one of my now former coworkers calling me all sorts of rude names and accusing me of intentionally trying to make myself look good, and that I’m the reason their family is going to starve.
So AITJ for not just enjoying my easy job and by doing something about it getting coworkers fired?”
Another User Comments:
“I’d lean toward ‘no jerks here’. It’s a tough call, honestly.
Doing more work for the same pay is a dumb move on your part unless you’re going to get something out of it, which it doesn’t sound like you are.
If you manage to save the company the wages of several people and get nothing out of it, well then, good job getting screwed over by your company. Usually, automation engineers are well-paid for it at least, but it sounds like you got nothing.
It’s a personal decision on the part of the employee if they think they’ll get anything out of finding a more efficient way to do their jobs. Some people will play the game and try and increase their workload and just hope for a pay rise that may or may not come, and will almost certainly not measure up to how much more money they’re making for their employers.
Some people will do the same amount of work and then goof off with that time because they’re able to be more efficient. Neither of them is immoral in my opinion; if the company is paying them to do X in Y time and they’re doing it, the how is not the employer’s concern.
The trouble comes, as you saw, when people make different decisions on this. That’s when you and your co-worker end up sticking around and doing the work for the people who got let go and probably get nothing out of it other than raised expectations.
You weren’t a jerk, but very likely you won’t get anything out of it commensurate with what you’re saving your employer.” steeldraco
Another User Comments:
“NTJ because your co-workers deliberately didn’t work for a significant part of the work day.
They are being paid by the hour and not by the ‘piece’.
However, management is the true jerks as they didn’t reward you so you increased your output significantly but are getting paid the same.
Eventually, this would result in fewer workers being needed which is how automation of any kind works.
There are work situations in which everyone is aware that working ‘faster’ is counterproductive because the assignment will end when the work is completed.” Jujulabee
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You consulted your manager, he OK’d it. It’s not time theft, because you are giving exactly the same # of hours of your time as you were previously, they just don’t slog quite so tediously.
Data automation makes data processing fun, and I commend you for ensuring your code is properly notarized and your propriety documented with your company. You had no way to know what your coworker’s numbers were, unless you did, and enacted this like some kind of machiavellian plot, I don’t see how you got them fired. I don’t blame them for not wanting to work, but it was kind of stupid not to at least get out of probation before they started slacking off.” sandcounty
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you came up with a smart way to make your work easier and increase productivity. That’s a good thing. The number of people saying it’s stupid to actually do your best (without obviously pushing yourself to your limits) unless you’re gonna get extra for it is super irritating.
Whatever you’re doing you should do the best you can at it. You did that and you shared an advantage you found with your coworkers.
It’s not your problem they used it to slack off even more and used paid work hours for personal things.
They wasted the company’s time and held you all back. Sorry, but they deserved to be fired – I know it’s gonna end up getting downvoted but I really hate it when lazy people who do the bare minimum to avoid getting fired get annoyed at people actually doing their job to the best of their abilities for ‘making them look bad’.
Do people just not take pride in themselves anymore? Can they not do anything if they’re not gonna be instantly recognized and rewarded and praised for it? Can you ever do your best just because you actually take pride in your work regardless of what that work is?
I work as a cashier – It’s not glamorous or super rewarding and quite frankly I know if I quit I’d be replaced in a week. I know that – I still go in every day and do my work and do my best to help my customers and get as much as I can do, done.
I know it’s not high stakes and I know it’s not really important In the grand scheme of things but it’s still my job and I pride myself on doing the best I can.
I don’t understand why if you’re hired to do a job you wouldn’t do the best job you can do.” acegirl1985
21. AITJ For Going On A School Trip?
“My partner suffers from severe anxiety around a number of things and does struggle when the time we are apart is different from usual or changes.
I try my best to be considerate of this all the time and make sure I plan around this taking into account her feelings and the things she finds tricky.
We both work in education but at different schools.
I applied to go and visit a historic site to take my pupils too. Many of these pupils won’t usually have the ability to access this type of trip.
When I initially applied the plan was to travel via train meaning it would be within the school day. However, today I found out the school doesn’t have insurance to cover using the train, so it would be via coach.
This means that I would get home an hour/an hour and a half later than usual. My partner did make the point that it could be later due to traffic which is a possibility.
She got very very upset with me about the trip and said she doesn’t care that it’s for my pupils and I want to go because it means I am prioritizing work over her.
She said it’s not fair for me to go when I know she will be anxious so I am choosing to upset her. I explained that I had tried to plan it around the school day for her sake and that I am not awful for still wanting to go and it doesn’t mean I value work above her.
I suggested some things she could do to fill the time such as going for a coffee with a friend but she said she doesn’t want to. She says I should just say I can’t go, but I do want to go to give my pupils that experience.
So, am I the jerk or not? I love her very very much and hate to upset her but am feeling very upset too at being made to feel so guilty for this.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, while I’m sure she’s a lovely enough person this is extremely immature and manipulative to say to a partner. I sympathize with her issues but part of being an adult (which I’m assuming y’all are) is developing coping mechanisms when things are difficult.
The fact that she wouldn’t make plans to help herself (coffee with a friend) just goes to show that she has not developed those tools and seems immature. I’m sorry this is a problem but you are not the jerk.
She isn’t the sun and while being there for your partner is important, their issues should not mean you put every aspect of your life on hold for them.” BaldSasquatch8008
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If she can’t handle an extra couple of hours without you she honestly has no business even being in a relationship until she has addressed her issues with a professional. She wants you to deny children an amazing educational opportunity because of her anxiety – that is so far beyond selfish it’s ridiculous.
You honestly need to tell her that the trip is happening and that you are severely disappointed in her selfishness and willingness to allow her anxiety to dictate not only her own life but also your life and the lives of the children who count on you and you need her in therapy NOW if she wants the relationship to continue.” ProfPlumDidIt
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Not commenting on your relationship as a whole, but as someone with anxiety, this is extremely inappropriate of her to ask. Her anxiety is so poorly managed she’s unable to function without you for even a couple of hours beyond normal and is controlling what times you’re allowed to do your work as a result.
This is not normal or okay behavior, even if it’s coming from a place of anxiety. You doing things without her isn’t jeopardizing her mental health, her refusal to get support outside of you to the point of extreme codependent anxiety is.
You’re not putting your work above her, you’re fulfilling your role as an educator and mentor, which I would say is probably at least equally important to your identity as a person as is your relationship with her.
You are a part of each other’s lives, not the only things in each other lives. Your partner should understand this as an educator herself.” iolight
20. AITJ For Telling My Partner That Living With His Parents Is Not Good For Him?
“I’ve been with my partner for six months and we are generally in love.
My partner had very protective parents growing up, and as a result, he spent most of his time inside. He doesn’t know how to bike, swim, or cook. His mother stayed home to raise him and he does everything with his brother.
My partner had his parents buy him a house, but he still eats breakfast with his parents and dinner with his parents and sleeps over 3-5 times a week.
However, we’ve started to have problems.
An example is my partner doesn’t have a lot of close friends. When I check in to communicate, he says he’s not used to it because he’s usually home with his family who feeds and takes care of him, so he’s not attached to his phone.
In the morning he’s eating breakfast with his family, so he’s too busy to respond.
I ask him to help make the bed? He doesn’t know how.
He has his first big work function?
He can’t answer his phone and drives home wasted.
I admit I lost it and told him living at home has stunted his growth. He agreed, but we both realized nothing will change about the situation
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Honestly, I don’t understand what makes you think you’re a jerk; you said a thing that by all accounts was true, and he agreed with it.
You didn’t ask about this, buuuut: you may want to think about whether you want a future where you’re the one always making his bed and dealing with his DUIs (and the inevitable human costs associated with them) and feeding him.
He absolutely can grow up and alter his behavior, if he wants to. A lot of people do! But, I mean, this guy drives home wasted? That’s beyond stunted growth, that’s just being a jerk.
You don’t say anything about what you like about him, but if this is how he’s conducting himself now and he doesn’t show any signs of wanting to change things, maybe try to weigh the things you like against the baggage and think about what kind of life you want.” CaptainDisdain
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but your relationship is in trouble. If you move in together, either his family will come over all the time or he’ll spend more time at their house than yours.
He’ll expect you to do all the chores since he doesn’t know how to do them. He hasn’t grown up and it doesn’t sound like he even wants to.” ComprehensiveBand586
Another User Comments:
“When someone tells you they can’t do something simple, what he is really saying is ‘I don’t want to’ because everything one needs to know about can be learned on youtube… OR asking someone.
NTJ
Do you really want to be stuck with a guy who expects you to do everything? He has no desire to contact you.” shadow-foxe
19. AITJ For Making My Partner Feel Bad?
“I, (24f) and my partner, (29M) have been together for several years now.
I have come to a point where I actually dislike being around our mutual friends because of how he treats me and how he prompts others to treat me.
We’re all gaming buddies and we would hang out on Discord every day, for several hours at a time. My partner has always had a habit of making fun of me.
I’m short, my voice is squeaky and I’m a little chaotic and clumsy. Because of that, my friends like to poke fun at me and I usually take it in good spirits as well as pay them back with the same type of friendly sass.
However, over the last few months, my partner has gotten increasingly insulting.
He’s been making fun of me for my height, my voice, the way I smell (he doesn’t mean it, he likes how I smell), and sometimes he makes some comments that make me actually really upset/sad, and when I get obviously upset (I am very easy to read, especially my voice.
He can instantly tell when I take offense.) Instead of apologizing, he tells me ‘Are you seriously upset at me right now?’ and I feel like if I say yes, I’m the jerk because I’m ruining everyone’s fun, so I usually let it go.
I’d like to stress that in private, I told him several times that the teasing is getting out of hand and out of control and it’s actually making me not want to spend time around our friends, to which he replies ‘Bullying you is how I show affection,’ to which I say that I require some actual affection.
(He’s not very PDA, and I am very understanding about it. ) And if that’s a no, at least tone it down on the bullying, especially when I’m in a bad mood or feeling vulnerable and I’d just like to be treated nicely and feel loved.
I’d just come out of a depression spree where I literally didn’t get out of bed for several days. Once he got through my numbness and disconnect and made me feel a little better, we got on a call with our friends later that night and I told him I need him to be nicer to me.
He agreed.
Less than a day and a half later, he’s back at it. I let it go until we all start saying who we would sleep with (we’re poly, so I wouldn’t mind if he said someone else.) And I asked ‘would you sleep with me?’ in a completely joking tone, to which he said, ‘depends on how sober I am.’
I took offense to it, because
- I hate when he drinks and we’re currently working through him reducing his substance intake to ‘self-medicate’ being bipolar.
- I always have insecurities about my body/myself and whether or not I’m still attractive to him.
- I was already extremely vulnerable and just wanted him to be nice to me and say yes.
I got upset (he picked up on it) and he got silent as a result, instead of just apologizing.
Later that night, we were laying in bed, and he was ‘getting his move on’ if you know what I mean, to which I said, ‘Sorry, not wasted enough.’ And he got really annoyed at my response.
Was I just being petty?
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – literally every part of this sounds so toxic… your ‘partner’ has some serious growing up to do. You want to be treated nicely and loved BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT YOU DESERVE AND IS EXPECTED OF A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP.
Full stop if that’s not how you feel 90% of the time, then it is not a healthy relationship or worth spending your youth pursuing. It can be scary choosing to put yourself back out there, especially when a lot of your socialization is online, but you should know that ‘Gamer Girls’ are a dime a dozen, and for every Gamer Girl there are probably 200+ guys (both gamer and non-gamer lol) that would love to find one.
You will have absolutely no trouble finding another connection with someone who truly values you and makes you feel safe, loved, and beautiful constantly.
Drop this loser already, you’re actively shooting your happiness in the foot being with him.” Mr_Extraction
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Playfully teasing your partner is one thing, and only cool if both partners are on board with it. He is actually being cruel to you because you continue to voice you aren’t cool with it and he responds by insulting you in public in ways he knows hurt you personally, not playfully.
And then trying to blame you for your reaction to something clearly hurtful.
If it was my relationship, I would categorize this as having an abusive partner. Partners should go out of their way to make you feel loved and safe.
He goes out of his way to hurt you.
Regardless, this is obviously impacting you a lot and isolating you from your friend group. And honestly, based on his behavior so far he’s not going to change.
He’s fine with making you unhappy and making you feel small, in fact, it seems to bring him joy to hurt and control you.
OP, you should really reconsider your relationship with this guy.
Maybe ask other friends in your group if their partners talk to them like that, or if it makes them uncomfortable, and see if you can get support from them and figure out what to do next.” iolight
18. AITJ For Not Crocheting Something For My Sister's Baby?
“I (22f) started crocheting a few months ago, so I am still learning new ways to do things to make what I create look better.
I made a scarf for my significant other for Christmas, and I was really excited about it because I had just learned how to switch out the yarn to change colors when I needed to.
I showed it to my sister (26f) and the first thing she said to me was that it was ugly. I haven’t shown her anything else that I made since.
Flash forward to last week, my sister and our cousin had a joint baby shower because they are both pregnant. I made my cousin a teddy bear and a baby blanket.
I bought my sister some baby clothes and a gift card for Kohl’s.
My sister messaged me a few days later telling me that she was upset that I did not make her baby anything, and accused me of trying to make her look bad.
She told me that it’s the thought that counts and she was mad that I did not put as much thought into her baby’s gifts as I did with my cousin.
I tried to explain to her that it was because of the comments she has made about what I have shown her previously that I didn’t think she would want me to make something as I am still learning.
My sister hasn’t spoken to me since, and I feel guilty. AITJ for not putting as much thought into her gift and not making her something when I made something for my cousin?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. First of all, your sister is not entitled to demand what gift you give her. Second of all, if she wanted you to make something for the baby, she should have told you – human beings are notoriously bad at mind reading.
Third: she did insult the one effort of yours that she saw. This pretty much insured that she was never going to get anything hand-made from you ever again. If she did, she should have started with an apology.
It sounds like your sister is a real gem of a human being. I suspect she isn’t talking to you because she knows she is being irrational and wrong and doesn’t want to face it, and is punishing you for being right.” bamf1701
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
The only reason she wanted something from you was because of how much thought you put into your cousin’s gift and how handmade gifts like a crochet teddy bear and blanket from family members are seen as ‘one of a kind’ (which is pretty true) while store-bought gifts can be replicated. She wanted one because your cousin got one.
If she wanted something similar, she shouldn’t have called your crocheting ugly. Why would she get a crocheted gift when she insulted you and your craft?” Merely_Dreaming
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your sister just sounds like a jerk. Unless you’ve been making baby clothes for everyone you know who’s expecting a baby and not her, then I don’t know why she even brought it up except to just find a reason to lash out at you.
Does she do this often?
On the other hand, crocheting is only fun (for me at least) when I’m making things for people who didn’t ask for something.
It also relieves pressure if I get overwhelmed with other obligations and can’t complete a project. The time and energy that goes into crocheting a piece are so valuable, it takes so much time to create something, and you should only do it for someone who will truly appreciate what you’ve made for them (and NOT put it down—even if it isn’t your best work lol).
I LOVED crocheting, I picked it up during grad school and it was such a nice stress reliever. I was known for dragging my spools of yarn into my lab so I could crochet during breaks.
I’ve been thinking about getting back into it. I hope you keep doing it, it’s so much fun!!” torrentialwx
She doesn't deserve it, plain and simple.
17. AITJ For Snapping At My Teenage Cousin?
“I’m a 34m single parent by choice, with ADHD.
I experience extreme executive dysfunction, but with a combination of medication and a robust support system, I’ve gotten it under control.
Every Thursday (which is my late night shift), my 15m cousin ‘Todd’ comes over to watch my 4yo son, ‘Danny’.
I pay him $22 an hour.
Recently, I’ve noticed that my medication has been running out before I’m supposed to get my next prescription. At first, I chalked it up to my AHDH and forgot about taking them.
But things started to not add up. I began writing notes of when I took them.
Well recently, we had an electrical problem at work and our boss sent us home early.
I thought I’d surprise my kid and give my nephew the rest of the night off.
When I came home, I found Danny sleeping on the couch and Todd acting all jittery, practically jumping up and down as he played our pS5.
Asked him if he was alright, and he said he was.
I was suspicious, so I checked my medicine cabinet – it’s over the kitchen sink where my son can’t get at it.
Sure enough, I was down two pills.
I immediately called my aunt, who confronted him. Todd confessed that he started taking them while watching Danny. He was sorry but didn’t see the harm in taking one or two.
This is where I might be the jerk.
I blew up and told him he wasn’t allowed to come around the house until he got his act together. I also asked him if he thought stealing insulin from diabetics was acceptable too, because I need that medication to function and it’s hard enough to get a doctor who’ll prescribe it to adults.
He started sobbing. I didn’t know this, but Todd’s grandfather was diabetic and this upset him greatly.
My aunt sympathizes with me but says I was too harsh. Other family members (who found out through my aunt, not me) agreed.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, it’s the same thing for you because you cannot function without it. He should feel bad because now he understands he was taking something vital from you.
If he didn’t want to make you upset and have something related to another issue you had no way of knowing about brought up, he simply should’ve left your medicine alone.
You should try to inventory how much was missing and tell his mom exactly how much he’d taken over time, by the way. I bet the issue is more serious than he’s probably admitting to (1 or 2 adds up over the months).” iolight
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He’s stealing your pills for fun, he shouldn’t be allowed access to them.
As for the insulin comparison, I have ADHD and diabetes – insulin is expensive but if I run out there are no problems getting more.
My GP, endo, or a walk-in doctor will all prescribe more. Where I live a pharmacist can even give me a short-term supply without a prescription if it’s a type and dosage I am already on.
ADHD meds are a pain in the butt. Only one doctor can prescribe them, I can only fill them at one pharmacy at a time, and I can’t get extras prescribed if I lose some.
Literally stealing my insulin would be less of a big deal.” Keg-Of-Glory
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
At what point is taking someone else’s prescription medication okay at any time? It’s heavily regulated for a reason.
Honestly, I wouldn’t let him near your house anymore, a normal teen and someone with ADHD isn’t going to respond the same to that medication, I wouldn’t trust him in your house let alone near your kid.” emmytay4504
16. AITJ For Making My Family Pay For Photos?
“I part-time as a lifestyle photographer and eventually I want this to be my full-time job. I’m still learning and progressing. I started with doing free sessions for friends, family, and in-laws but nothing too expensive.
I slowly started charging small fees, even for family. But I feel like they’re too comfortable and assume I’m free still.
The first time I mentioned I would charge for a portrait session, it seemed like it was fine.
Originally, it was a birthday portrait session for a 1-year-old. Then at the end of the session, it turned into a family session ‘since we were already there and I had my camera’.
I still only charged my portrait fee. Some time had passed, and word got around that they were upset they were charged because ‘we’re family’.
Just to clarify, I bring all my equipment, find a location, pose, spend over an hour on a session, edit, and deliver digital copies via my website.
Usually, with friends and family, they expect a week turn around on the photos. All while expecting the session is on the house.
AITJ for charging family a small fee for my time?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Make them pay. Friends and family should be the first people to want to help you succeed. If you have most people on social media, then maybe make a post that informs people that you have a ‘new’ price list for photos (even if you change it by like $5).
Also include something that thanks everyone for modeling while you learned your craft but from now on, all services must be paid in full. That way nobody feels singled out but you made the point known to everyone.” Awkward-Wheel2833
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you are a professional providing them a service and it’s ridiculous that they expect to get it for free just because they’re family. That’s like having an uncle who owns a restaurant and coming in demanding free food because you’re family.
Honestly, you were already being pretty generous by not increasing their bill when they sprang new last-minute work on you during the portrait session.” tunipman
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m a photographer.
As your books are filling up more consistently, doing free shoots will cost you money. All the time you spend on these family sessions is a spot that’s blacked out of your schedule that a paying customer can’t take and actually pay you for, leading to a reduction in income.
This is even truer when you do it part-time because I have a day job and have to turn photo clients away as it is because my schedule is full.
I have a discount I’ll give to family/friends. If I ever do a free shoot, it’s for really close fam/friends and as a gift. Like, my wedding gift to my friend was a free engagement photo session and I bought her a photobook to go with it.
For the holidays I give my brother/SIL a ‘coupon’ for a free family session with the kids. Stuff like that.” Physical-Energy-6982
15. AITJ For Going Over My Managers' Heads?
“I work as a site supervisor in golf operations, which is sadly still a male-dominated industry (at least where I live). Ironically though, 95% of our clubhouse/concession staff identify as female.
At my site specifically, management expects me to only have one person scheduled during closing. I politely disagree with them for a multitude of reasons, but the main issue is staff safety.
Our female staff simply feel uncomfortable and unsafe working alone with the demographic we attract. It’s a Par 3 golf course, so there’s a lot of drinking and general jerkiness that goes on here.
Staff is berated and objectified on a regular basis.
There’s no ranger, course marshal, or even greenkeeper on in the evening, so the staff member has literally no support. I have pushed back and tried to plead my case on multiple occasions.
During the height of the health crisis, we had two staff on at all times for health support reasons. However, now that management feels that’s not necessary, we’re back down to solo shifts and some staff has asked to be taken off the schedule due to safety concerns.
I’ve consulted with our head of security and he shares my belief that we should not have staff working alone at our site. I reiterated his professional advice to my management and am still being met with resistance.
One feels it’s a budget reason, and the other has more misogynistic views believing that ‘guys will be guys.’ That was the last straw for me. I wrote a concise and factual email to their boss specifically calling them out.
If staff feel unsafe, I believe we have an obligation to remedy that. A small part of me is feeling a little guilty this morning that I went over their heads, but I feel like I exhausted all other avenues.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Never second-guess your actions when the motivation was the safety of your people. Something tells me that if god forbid, something did happen to one of them, these same people that are stonewalling you now would hang your butt out to dry for it.
Or at the very least, refuse to acknowledge that it could’ve been avoided.
If you are ever in a position where you ‘have people’ you have a responsibility to those people… so many people lose sight of that.” Flimsy-Opening
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Leaving out the gross misconduct of patrons that seems to be unchecked – it’s an actual safety concern for any staff member to be on alone.
If they slip and fall and crack their head, they could be lying there dying overnight until the first person arrives the next day. Duty of care means all staff needs to be kept safe – from patrons or accidents.” sharri70
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you presented reasonable requests based on consultation with staff and security, if something happened when they were warned already it would be far worse for them and compensation would surely outstrip the cost of adequate staffing.” Usual-Worry8412
14. AITJ For Calling Out My Partner's Narcissism?
“I (24F) am graduating from college soon and I’m so excited!
It’s been a really rough journey and whilst I still have my exams to sit, I’m pretty confident I’ll be walking away with a high GPA which will confirm my place for med school next year (this is important for later).
At my college, they throw a big grad event. Last night my partner was hanging out with me as I was cooking dinner and I got an email saying the tickets were now available and announced it excitedly (I’ve been looking forward to this for 4 years ahaha).
My partner’s (27F) response was ‘but it’s not my graduation? I don’t graduate for another 3 years?’ and I was kinda taken aback and said that didn’t matter, this is my graduation.
We go back and forth for a bit with her saying hers is a bigger deal because she’ll be a doctor (I mean, I will be too in 4 years?) and that everything is actually about her.
After a few minutes of this, I outright ask if she actually thinks my graduation has anything to do with her, and that it’s my achievement, not hers. She replies that she was just messing with me, and I say ‘no you weren’t’ and go back into the kitchen to stir the food I’ve been making for the last half hour.
She just says ‘screw you’ and leaves the flat to go get takeout.
Importantly, my partner is a narcissist and has said multiple times that her personal belief is that she is the only real thing in the universe and everything else is fake.
The whole thing felt as though she’d been telling the truth up until I called her out, and then switched tacks to make it seem harmless.
When she came back she was really angry that I’d denied her version of events and we had a big argument about how I can’t deny her perception of things just because I see things a certain way, and how she just finds it really funny to play up her narcissism as a joke.
She was also angry I’d asked something I already had an answer for, she said it was a trashy thing to do but in my view if she had actually been joking she wouldn’t have gotten so angry, and instead it would’ve been a conversation (at least, that’s how I’d react if I’d hurt my partner with a joke).
It never really got resolved, I apologized for denying what she said and she just said she’d try not to play up the narcissism in the future (no apology or anything, just that she’d try not to).
So AITJ for asking a question I’d already decided the answer to? Is that a jerkish thing to do? I thought given our situation it was a valid question, but she had a very logical reason for why it wasn’t.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for this incident BUT you’re the jerk for staying in this relationship. You’re 24 and becoming a doctor. There are 8 more years of intense training coming and this will be all about you.
Is she going to put up with this?? Are you going to be able to put the time and effort into becoming a doctor that’s needed while having a relationship with a narcissist?
Especially since she will be a doctor already. You need to think long and hard about continuing this. One of the issues with narcissists is that they tear people down to make themselves feel better.
So just remember what she says and does is for her benefit, not yours. You’re smart and a strong person get out now before it’s too late!” RetiredYng
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Any partner that can’t or won’t celebrate your achievements is not worth the effort. I would expect things to only get worse as time goes on, especially if your career or other parts of your life were to ever eclipse your partner’s.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but why are you with this person? Sounds like they don’t care about your feelings and have told you as much. I will say it did sound like a joke at first but you’re right her reaction was all wrong for it to have been a joke.
Also, jokes are supposed to be funny. Congrats on graduating but seriously? I’d find someone who actually cares about my achievements.” ASlightHiccup
13. AITJ For Wanting To Get A Diagnosis?
“I am a nursing student in college who has been having trouble with my classes this whole year. I need at least a 75 to pass my classes, and last semester I had to retake a class because I got a 72 in the class.
Before college, I never had to study because I instantly understood the topics without needing help. I only remember two classes in High school where I got Cs in the class because I struggled and didn’t get help.
Even then I never really did work outside of school besides just homework.
Currently, I have 75s in most of my classes because it has been a struggle for me to study.
I will constantly scroll mindlessly on my phone while my head is screaming at me to study but I can’t physically do it. My mom found out about my grades and continued to berate me, calling me lazy and a chronic procrastinator.
Beforehand, I brought up the idea of me maybe having ADHD, but she got upset and continued to yell at me for even suggesting it.
Even as a kid, I was slower than the other kids, it took me until I was 5 to start talking.
It wasn’t until my preschool teacher defended me saying ‘nothing was wrong with me’, to have the school not label me as anything. I guess my mom thought I was disrespecting the teacher’s efforts by even suggesting maybe I do have something.
That was months ago, now I’m having trouble with the same class because I can’t study. Both my mom and my aunt (who is also a nursing instructor) refuse to have me labeled as anything or even talk to somebody.
I feel helpless and think maybe I am in the wrong. I just want to know if I’m overreacting or not because I think I need help. So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“You’re saying that you never needed to study in school because it was easy, therefore you probably don’t know how to study effectively. School work and college are completely different animals.
School in the USA is so easy it’s absurd and a waste of time and college is slightly more involved. I’ve studied abroad and in the USA and there’s no comparison between schooling here and in Europe for example.
What I’m saying is that school here doesn’t prepare students for college, I’m not surprised that your expectation of not needing to make an effort in college isn’t working in your favor.
I’m not a doctor, but since you’re asking, I don’t think you have a mental issue or ADD, I think you’re simply unprepared for college work because you slacked in school and don’t have the required study tools you need to use now.
You need to get study help, reach out to your college guidance counselor and see if there are study groups at your college.
Also, pick up an NCLEX workbook with multiple choice questions and practice every day.
That’s how I improved my grades while studying for the nursing exam. NCLEX workbooks will teach you to recognize patterns and will help you think critically and not overthink these tricky questions.
YTJ for trying to suddenly blame a disease for your failures. YWNBTJ if you reach out and get help studying more effectively.” Tigerlaf
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. My big question is do you even want to be a nurse?
That learning came too easy in high school. You were lucky not to have to study. Studying is a skill learned. It seems more of a depression. It’s a rude awakening when you discover you are not the smartest person in class when you were all through high school.
Concepts are harder to understand. Your behavior states active avoidance not inability to focus.” Comprehensive-Hand60
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, I don’t understand why everyone insists you are. Even if it turns out you didn’t have ADHD you’re not a jerk for wondering if you do have it.
They’re not blaming all their problems on a disorder here, in many replies they’re acknowledging their mistakes and their roles in this. OP is taking the first steps towards asking for some help here, why is everyone being a complete jerk about it?
Obviously, they need better study skills, but that often comes with ADHD too.
Obligatory mention that I do happen to be a woman that has ADHD, and I’m very familiar with the executive function issues OP is describing.
It’s nothing definitive, but what is the harm of getting tested? Why is everyone being so overly defensive about a disorder they don’t even have and clearly haven’t done a thorough enough 5-minute search into, if even that?
I know it’s well-meaning, but gatekeeping a disorder is ridiculous and isn’t helpful to anyone.
I think you should look into saving to get tested OP, the sooner the better.
Don’t bother with all these people, they blow everything out of proportion and assume the worst of everyone. Good on you for looking into this, seeking out help is always a step in the right direction.
I struggle a lot with studying just like you do after coasting through high school, I would recommend looking into study groups or some kind of academic advising. My school offers a couple of free counselor sessions, if yours does too that’d probably be enough for you to get a study schedule in place.
Good luck OP, take care!” Aggressive_Newt3652
12. AITJ For Not Wanting A Promotion?
“I (29F) started a job in December with my city’s water department. I knew going in it would be tough, as I was going to be covering my office manager for her maternity leave starting in January.
I learned everything she taught me, took notes, and was soon left alone to manage as best I could. There are only 5 people in my department, the director of utilities, the assistant director, a program manager, the office manager, and now me.
To better understand my situation, you need to know that I do not see the director or assistant director very often as they are at meetings or out looking at the status of different city projects, and the program manager is unreliable and is constantly late or leaving early.
So on a normal day, it is just me and the office manager. While the office manager was out, there were several days when it was just me in the office.
I did my best for 2 months, it was very hard and very stressful as I was doing not only my job but the office manager’s job of which I received little training.
Then my office manager came back in march and told me she would be finishing my training during the summer (our busy season.) This would not be happening as she has yet to finish a full week since she came back, and now I found out she is leaving for a different company.
So now my predicament is this, the directors want us to take over the office manager position. I do not want her position as I don’t even know how to fully do my own, and her position comes with some complicated paperwork using a complicated program to move large quantities of funding around for projects that she showed me how to use twice 5 months ago, that I haven’t used since as it isn’t really part of my current job.
I have tried to tell my superiors and anyone who will listen that I am not comfortable taking the job, as I do not know how to do it. And I have asked questions on how to use that program before, but everyone gave me a different answer.
Everyone just says you got this and leaves. I am getting so frustrated that now I am looking to move to a different department altogether because I am sick of begging for someone to show me how to do my job properly.
It would mean leaving my superiors without either position being filled. But for me, it would mean freedom from one of the most stressful situations in my life. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Whoever is managing this department severely mismanaged it to the point where they weren’t able to keep/train enough competent employees to do all the necessary work, perhaps they were being lazy by not filling positions, or perhaps they were just trying to have an impressively low budget.
The faults in their mismanagement are about to cause massive issues, and they want to leave you as the one holding the bag so that they can point their fingers at you when everything breaks down while they get off scot-free.
Don’t be their scapegoat. Leave.” RedditUser123234
Another User Comments:
“NTJ all the way.
Also, if you took the manager position, they’ve now seen you can keep things running with just you so I’m fairly sure they’ll just want you to do both jobs.
So even if the manager’s pay is more than your current position, I’d doubt it’s the equivalent of two salaries.
The only reward for doing good work is more work.
I’m convinced that anytime you prove yourself competent, management will just keep piling on until you quit. Or die.” kb7384
Another User Comments:
“Are they paying you more money? Or did they just give you the job without any benefit of having that job?
Sounds like they made you manager without actually raising your pay to match the description. And now you’re doing two jobs. If they can’t at least pay you more and give your old job responsibilities to someone else so that you can be the office manager they apparently want you to be, yeah, leave.
NTJ. You know you also don’t have to be the manager if you don’t want to, right? You have to do what’s best for you.” SurrealityThrowaway
11. AITJ For Giving Brutally Honest Feedback?
“I’m a music producer, I have gained quite a following over the past couple of years and I am at the point where I’m ready to do tours.
Recently, I created a discord server with others with the main focus on helping people become better musicians, DJs, etc., whilst also providing a hub for those to listen to new genres or to talk about the ones they like.
As part of the first point listed above, there is a channel made specifically for feedback. I have made it clear that sometimes feedback is not what you expect and that negative feedback might be expected. The intention is not to cause upset but rather for them to understand clearly what they have done wrong or could do better in the future.
This was a respected rule until ‘John’ came along.
John did not bother to socialize with the members but instead asked them to look in the feedback section to listen to his song.
I was like okay, maybe it’s not so bad. God was I wrong. I figured that he was a newcomer and I asked, to which he responded ‘Yeah, I am’.
I told him that it wasn’t the best but a decent effort was made and if he wanted any tips, he could ask me or anyone else with expertise. After telling him this, he lashed out at me, calling me all names under the sun and that I was deluded and needed to get my ears checked.
I was like… excuse me? There’s no way this guy is serious… so I went and told him every individual error I could find in the track and explained how with that attitude, and that level of sound design, he will not achieve anything and that he should probably just quit.
Yeah, I regret saying that now.
John further went on to insult my name and music and he left the server. Afterward, a friend of mine said that I was too harsh on him and to be light on newbies but I’m steady in my ways and I believe they need to be given corrective feedback honestly, even if it’s brutal so that they can learn what went wrong, why it went wrong, and how to fix it for the future.
AITJ for this or not?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, with the information provided. I mean there is constructive criticism and non-constructive. That said, there are some that can not take either.
Understandable, being as Art of any form is usually from a personal place. My kid is artistic, in music, drawing, painting, and photography. When he took photography, he complained that no matter how good he thought his project was, the teacher always found a couple of things to criticize.
He learned to deal with it and after graduating his teacher told him he was one of the best students he ever taught and was harder on his critiques because he recognized the talent.” Solrackai
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here: You, up until you told him to quit you were doing the right thing (more later), which you admit you feel bad about so kudos for recognizing your error.
I get the first part where you offered help maybe you should have given a soft example of where it could have been better and why. The next part where you went to town on his track and nit-picked was maybe overboard a bit, citing the most glaring errors would have proved your point I think.
John, he asked for the review and got it but didn’t like what he got so lashing out makes him the jerk. Further along, after your second critique lashing out again just proved what he was.
The endpoint, if you can’t take constructive criticism don’t ask for reviews.” Flinx98
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you tried to give proper feedback and he lashed out after. Some people just can’t take criticism without seeing it as an insult.
Those people think anything that isn’t exactly what they want to hear is an attack against them.” Chaospiggyblade
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
He shouldn’t have lashed out. But ‘It’s not great, I can give you some tips,’ isn’t good feedback.
If you are going to have a feedback channel, focus on constructive feedback (i.e. highlighting the good and the needs work) of what you are reviewing.” 0biterdicta
10. AITJ For Being Upset With My Mom For Hijacking My Therapy Appointment?
“I (14f) go to a private school about 50 minutes away.
They require 10 hours of community service per year, I already had 5 down and planned to do the next 5 this past Saturday by helping at an open house (I am one of the student ‘guides/hosts’ who takes along an applicant student with me for the day and helps at open houses), the open houses are an easy way to get my community service hours in.
My mother wants me to be tested by a psychologist for ADD (attention deficit disorder) (which I don’t think I have but that’s a debate for another day) to get extra services at school as I’ve been struggling with math but do well everywhere else.
Saturdays are the only day I can see the psychologist without missing school, and this past Saturday was the only Saturday opening in the foreseeable future which means I’d miss the open house, and because there’s very little left of the school year I’d have to find a place to do 5 hours of community service on my own (which is harder to find these days).
Anyway, my mom has been having a hard time with my autistic sister and was depressed and wanted to talk to the therapist, I figured it’d only take a few minutes so didn’t mind too much.
But 20 minutes go by, then 30 then 40 (was a 90 min session). I knock on the door and the therapist tells me ‘your mother is having a really hard time, you’ll need to wait.’ Then she ends up taking the whole session and the therapist had another client after us so couldn’t test me.
So I was pulled out of this event (that would’ve easily gotten me the last 5 community service hours I needed) for NOTHING, just to sit in a therapist’s office for NOTHING.
I was absolutely furious with my mother and stormed out of the office and ‘ran away’ (really just walked home which took a few hours, I was too upset to be with her in the car).
I was in trouble with my dad for running away even though I explained what my mom did and how much it set me back in school but he still took her side and I’m grounded for a week.
I also told my mother she should apologize to me and she refused.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sounds like your mother is under a lot of stress, and that’s definitely no reason to waste your time… but sometimes stress makes people act irrationally and inefficiently.
Maybe you can find a moment to talk to her about why what she did upset you and how you’re a person with a life and don’t want to waste productive time.
Maybe you can offer to help look after your sibling in different ways or help her take care of the home to support her.
Hopefully, you can find a local church, soup kitchen, pantry, homeless shelter, animal shelter, street cleanup, senior center, or anything else that will allow you to volunteer for a day!” chunyamo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Though I might have responded differently, I certainly would have been upset too, had such a high-priority time slot of mine been needlessly wasted this way.
Not to discount your mother’s struggles, but why doesn’t she have her own therapist or at least her own time slot with this one? It seems ridiculous to me she expected to just elbow in on yours.
The reaction on your dad’s part is some more salt in this arguably unnecessary wound but probably has to do with them being quite worried about you during the few hours you said it took you to walk home.
Your mom could at least acknowledge that MAYBE she goofed and empathize a little with the fact that you’ve been set back at school. I’m sorry she apparently won’t.
This won’t be the last time life throws you garbage, though.
Good luck making up your community service hours – you sound quite driven and organized, to be honest. I have faith you will find a way.” PorgNBeanz
Another User Comments:
“Your mother might be overwhelmed, and acted thoughtlessly and selfishly by taking up all of your allotted time when the best thing probably would have been to have you tested and AFTER talk with the therapist herself (having asked the therapist at the beginning of the session to set aside 10-20 minutes in the end for her to go in).
Burned-out people sometimes struggle to think logically, and can be short-sighted.
However, disappearing without giving anyone a way to contact you is not only worrying for the people who are waiting on you and don’t know if you actually ran away or are cooling off, but it can also be dangerous because if something happens no one knows where you are or when you should be home, so it can take way longer to raise the alarm.
I get wanting to be alone and not wanting to be in a confined space with someone who just did something thoughtless and that made you lose valuable time (in this case, it seems like you have limited time for that volunteering work), while they either try to use senseless excuses or even blame you for ‘being so selfish when they just needed a bit of help and never ask for anything’ (I do not agree with that statement, but that’s something common to be said in those situations).
It sucks, it makes you feel trapped, and it makes you feel like you not only lost time but are being blamed for it. But sometimes it’s better to shut down your mind for the car ride, ignore the other person talking, and when you get home go for a walk and clear your head then.
Walking off would have been a good option if you lived closer or had a phone so you could call your father and tell him that you were going to walk, it would take you X long (always say an extra 20-30 mins, so you have a bit of extra time if you need to cool off more), and that you needed to clear your head.” Slow-Bumblebee-8609
9. AITJ For Not Going To A Wedding Right After My Due Date?
“My partner and I have been invited to his uncle’s wedding more than a year ago before I was pregnant.
We’ve been together for only 16 months (but we’ve been friends for a decade), so, due to the health crisis, the only person I know from his family is his mother.
The wedding happens to be only 9 days after my due date, so I said from the beginning that I probably won’t be able to attend. I probably will have my baby before, but he won’t be more than 2-weeks-old on the day of the wedding.
I’m a new mother and I’m not comfortable leaving my 2-weeks-old baby, even with my parents, and I’m also not comfortable bringing him to a wedding, 3 hours away from home, with 100 strangers and their germs, during a health crisis.
I also don’t know how things will go, maybe I’ll have a C-section or be hospitalized for a couple of days, there’s no way to tell. Also, personally, I’m not sure I would like someone to bring a newborn to my wedding…
So, I’m 38 weeks pregnant and my MIL told us that she paid for our dinner anyway so if we feel differently then, we could go. I told her that it was nice of her but I don’t think this is realistic and exposed all my arguments when she insisted. She told me that it’s just not fair that my baby won’t have the same ‘access’ to his 2 sides of the family because I just don’t want to go.
To be clear, I wouldn’t go either if the wedding was on MY side. As I said, I haven’t met any of my partner’s family, not because I don’t want to, but because nobody ever showed interest in seeing us.
We’ve been to a lot of gatherings and birthday parties in my family because we’re close and they care to invite us. I don’t think it’s fair of my MIL to make me feel like I’m in the wrong only because she won’t be able to show off her days-old grandson to her family right after he’s born.
There will be more occasions, and they can always come to see us at home if they want to.
AITJ here?
EDIT: My partner is on my side. He may attend the wedding, but only if our situation allows it and I’m ok with that.
It’s his family and I can handle myself for a night, if not, my parents are close by.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
‘She told me that it’s just not fair that my baby won’t have the same ‘access’ to his 2 sides of family because I just don’t want to go.’ WHAT?
I think you called it exactly right–she wants to use this event to show off a new baby (which is super tacky, to begin with–the wedding is for the people actually being married).
If you want to be really passive aggressive about this, call or contact the bride and groom and make a florid apology that you were so looking forward to their wedding since you heard about it a year ago, but life intervened, and now you just can’t make any guess at what sort of physical abilities you’ll have 9 days postpartum and don’t want to inconvenience anyone because their wonderful wedding is no place for a demanding new baby, etc. Get their blessing to stay home.
This also establishes contact so that people from his side of the family can contact and invite you in the future to family events, and you aren’t having to go through MIL’s craziness.” Sea-Mud5386
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your arguments are more than valid. Attending a wedding with a 2-week-old newborn? Nope. Attending a wedding without your 2-week old newborn? Hard nope. And that’s assuming your baby arrives on schedule with no complications.
Your MIL is trying to emotionally manipulate you and that’s wrong, and your partner should be standing up for you – I’d be very curious to know what his stance is on this whole matter.
Regardless, it’s unfortunate you’ll have to miss the wedding, but I don’t really see any way around it right now and if the bride and groom are reasonable people then they’ll more than understand, and if they aren’t….
then who cares about what they think…” BetterSavings6
Another User Comments:
“Absolutely NTJ. I mean, for Pete’s sake, you might not even have recovered yourself yet, never mind that you DEFINITELY shouldn’t be exposing an infant to that amount of people and that amount of germs.
Your MIL is trying to guilt trip you because she wants to show off her grandbaby. The fact is, she should care more about that baby’s well-being than showing off at the earliest opportunity.
Btw, for your baby’s safety and your sanity, make it clear that drop-in visits after the baby is born are out of the question (you can make exceptions for people whose help you might need or who you know will respect you and your baby’s needs for rest, peace, private bonding time, establishing routines, etc).
The LAST thing you want 8 days post-partum is for mum or MIL to show up out of the blue with great aunt Clarissa who doesn’t care that she showed up in the middle of nap time, she absolutely MUST hold the baby right this minute, and she must be entertained in a spotless house by a 50s housewife who answers the door in a tea dress and high heels.” miasabine
8. AITJ For Not Meeting My Family's Expectations?
“I (14 male) told my parents today that I would not be entering a Stem career, or going down that path, unlike the rest of them, and now they’re all mad at me.
My mother works in payroll, my father is an engineer, so is my grandfather, two of my aunts are doctors, one uncle works in IT, the other is a lawyer and my younger brother (11 years old) has won multiple STEM awards and is top of his class.
As you have guessed by now my family rotates mainly around science and maths. Because of this, the expectations are very high.
My brother plans to be an engineer, like my dad, has won a couple of science awards, and is better than me in most subjects.
My parents give him a lot more encouragement because of this. As an example, when he was struggling with English homework, my parents helped him through it every step of the way, while when I was his age and I was struggling with some Maths stuff my parents suggested tutoring, which they had always previously made out to be a bad thing, so I denied it and they left it at that.
Because of incidents like these, I decided to not follow the rest of my family and to stick to what I enjoy, and what I’m good at. I’ve always been good at creative writing, art, humanities, social sciences, that sorta thing, and for a while, I’ve wanted to go into politics or writing when I’m older.
I told my parents this earlier today and I think they got kinda mad at me.
I’ve never tried to hide the fact I want to go down that sorta path instead of the one my parents want me to, in fact, I’ve told them multiple times that I didn’t want to.
For some reason this time when I told them they both went silent and then my dad tried to protest it a bit.
Since that incident, they’ve both sorta just been really awkward about it and didn’t really talk to me that much for the rest of the day, and it’s starting to make me feel like I did something wrong.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. It’s your life and you get to decide what you’ll do with it, but they’re not jerks either for wanting you to have a secure career in the future.
You’re still young; you’ll work it out.” zelda-hime
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but I understand them too. It’s hard to make a living out of creative writing and art and things like this, so they are probably just worried. That however does not mean that people who do art die of hunger or anything, but you will need to really think through your choices.
For example, architecture pays well, so you aren’t out of options.” hullahi
7. AITJ For Not Being My Normal Energetic Self At Work?
“I’ve been working at this office for about a year and I’m usually pretty happy when there. I do my work and participate in office small talk regularly.
I just came back from a long weekend road trip and didn’t have time to really sleep before needing to go into the office on Monday.
My manager knew I was going on this trip and scheduled me to work a short shift which I appreciated. Monday morning I was told I was to work a longer shift due to ‘scheduling conflicts’.
I was upset because it required relieving another coworker from a long drive that I didn’t have the energy for. I stayed upset when that coworker ended up coming in anyway but to do office work instead of drive.
I said ‘good morning’, and ‘mhms’, and made a joke to my manager when the small talk was going on; however, that was it. I could tell my coworkers were not impressed with my lack of conversation.
But I was only in the office long enough to get ready for the car trip, so I wouldn’t have had an extensive conversation as it was. I got into the company car and started that day’s work.
When I came back I did my closing work and headed out after I said ‘goodbye’ to everyone there. An hour after work hours my manager calls and tells me ‘you can’t give people the cold shoulder when having a bad day.’ And ultimately suggested I don’t go to work the following day.
There was 1 coworker I didn’t really talk to and it wasn’t even the coworker that couldn’t go on the drive. I wasn’t actively avoiding anyone. I simply didn’t have time (or energy) to speak with everyone.
So I have to ask, AITJ?
EDIT: I know it may not matter, but I felt like sharing that I ultimately left the job. After this particular incident, my hours were cut to literally nothing under the guise that it was slow.
I seriously didn’t work for 3 weeks after this. But while cutting my hours they hired someone for a similar position.”
Another User Comments:
“Absolutely NTJ. This happens frequently to friendly people.
You certainly can cut the small talk when you have a bad day. What if that were how you were all the time? Would they fire you? No, they can’t.
The difference is people have to come to EXPECT you to be the happy, friendly, personable one and the moment that is too much for you they all come down on you for being rude or unpleasant.
It’s not right.
I’ve been at my job a long long time now and for the most part, I am a friendly person. My coworkers used to talk about me unkindly when I had a bad day until I put it to them this way, ‘I can be like this all the time if that’s better for you’.
Unless you are working a customer-facing job you are under no obligation to blow sunshine up these people’s butts all the time.” Odd_Fondant_9155
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Lemme get this straight – you were tired from a trip, the manager gave you a short shift because they knew you were going on that trip and when you get there turns out you have a longer shift and he expects you to not be upset in the slightest. And even then you are still tired. I think it’s normal for tired people to give short responses.” Sudden_Sweet_5525
Another User Comments:
“Whoa. Based on what you said, your manager seriously overreacted. You didn’t do anything deliberately mean or exclusionary, and you were barely in the office. Are you expected to be a cheerleader or something every day?
There is absolutely no reason to imply you shouldn’t go to work the next day because of something like that.
Obviously NTJ. I’m not the most familiar with corporate stuff, but it seriously sounds like you should consider going to HR.” dittoing
6. AITJ For Getting Upset That My Wife Told My Mom About My Test Results?
“I (48, M) did an at-home sleep test a couple of weeks ago. I had a follow-up appointment with the doctor to go over the results. The doctor recommended that I do a follow-up test overnight as my case was severe.
I told my wife (49, F) what the results were and that I had a follow-up test next week.
My parents live out of state so they are staying with us for the week and my wife works from home.
At dinner last night, my wife goes are you going to tell your mother what the results were of your sleep apnea test? I said no, that I was pretty sure she had already told her, which she did.
My wife brought up some of the results and asked if I was mad that she had said something to my mother. I told her sort of, so she asked if I was ever going to say something.
I told her, that whatever I told my mother about my sleep apnea was my business as it was my news to tell, not hers. I find out that my mother ends up texting my results to another family member.
My wife got upset and walked away from the dinner table. We haven’t spoken much since. So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. It’s your private news, but as someone who had a partner with sleep apnea, it’s honestly pretty scary at first. I don’t blame you for not wanting to share your info with your mom, but I do understand why she probably needed someone to talk to and thought your mom might be a safe choice (eg family rather than telling it to a friend).
Also, if you knew your wife was going to tell your mom, why didn’t you ask her not to in the first place? And are you mad at your wife for telling her or mad at your mom for spreading the news?
My guess is that you’re both scared and worried about a scary diagnosis and both of you aren’t doing super great at coping in different ways. I hope you can treat it and I hope you guys deal with a new normal soon.” violetbaudelairegt
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and your wife should never have shared your health info without asking you prior. We have Health Insurance Portability and Accountability laws for a reason, and there’s no exclusion for family members unless you give consent.
You didn’t give your wife consent and thus, another family member is now gawking at your health info. Sit her down and tell her ‘this is why I need you to keep my personal health stuff private, it’s disrespectful to me that you discuss this with my mom behind my back like I’m a child.
If I can’t trust you to keep my privacy, I’m not going to share information with you.'” pdxflwerpwer
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your wife violated your privacy and shared your medical information without your permission.
And then your mother! Your mother texted your private medical information to someone else. They are both wrong. At least if she won’t talk to you, you can’t reveal any more private information you don’t want her to share.” Harmlessoldlady
5. AITJ For Wanting To Eat My Food In My Own Way?
“I (13F) prefer to eat my food separately. If I’m given a bowl of spaghetti, I eat the meat first and then the pasta last. This goes for any type of food, whether it be salad or soup.
This is not a dietary need, just a personal preference. I don’t mind when people mix the whole dish together, I still choose to eat things separately.
My parents have been trying to cut back on salt these past few months (which I completely understand and I’m more than happy to oblige as I think it would be better for all of us).
Yesterday night, my dad made two dishes for dinner; one for my mom and dad to share (because it was extremely spicy), and one for me. We had a side dish of rice and some vegetables, but those two dishes were the main part of the meal.
I started plating my own food and my dad asked me to mix my dish with the rice because otherwise, the dish alone would be too salty. He said he seasoned the dish so that we could pair it with rice.
I was a bit confused because my dad specifically said that he didn’t want any of my dishes and he knows I don’t like mixing my food.
I told him that I was fine eating my dish alone even if it was a bit on the salty side.
My dad reminded me that we’re trying to cut down on salt. Personally, I don’t think that there’s a difference in the amount of salt we intake when we choose to eat dishes separately as long as we have the same portions in the end.
I ended the talk there because I didn’t want to cause an argument but I know this is going to come up again.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
Your dad, even though he is an adult, is as insecure as the rest of us. My guess is that he was worried he put too much salt in and just figured the rice would take care of it, and then got worried when you were eating it alone that it was going to taste bad.
If your dad was worried about reducing salt, he should have put less in. Eating with rice will cut the taste of the salt but it’s not going to actually make there be less salt in the dish lol.
I have a strong feeling that this is not the first time you feel like your dad has given you mixed messages about what’s okay and what’s not okay and that this wouldn’t be a big deal if it weren’t part of a larger pattern of behavior.” violetbaudelairegt
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I still do this to this day: I don’t like my food mixing (I’ve gotten better about it, but I might eat shrimp first, then pasta, and then any veggies within the pasta dish); it’s a textural thing for me, I think.
It just tastes strange.
I think your parents need to respect how you eat as long as you’re eating and you’re healthy. I have a 12-year-old; as long as she’s eating, I don’t care how she does it or in what order (and she has fairly interesting ways of eating certain foods that can sometimes be annoying, but whatever).” allthingsconsidered5
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You’re right, you’re Dad’s logic is incorrect. It’s all going to the same place so ‘trying to cut down on salt’ only works if you actually cut down on salt.
The rice isn’t some kind of anti-salt (flavor-wise, yes, but not diet-wise).” NomNom83WasTaken
4. AITJ For Not Using My Social Media Account?
“Basically, I (24f) stopped using social media for a lot of reasons but the main reason was all the politics.
I didn’t delete it because I have family on there who don’t really use cell phones and I would like to stay in touch.
The issue however is said family.
I used to use social media every day and was always posting at least twice a day. Nothing major just some memes or the occasional selfie. I NEVER post my problems. My grandparents don’t post a lot on social media but when they do it’s just politics.
At one point that was all my feed was and I got tired of seeing it. I just stopped posting one day and never gave an official reason why. It’s only been two months and if someone messages me on messenger I reply.
My family however thinks I’ve abandoned them all because I no longer use social media. They call me every other day and I keep them updated so there’s no need to post on social media, right?
According to them since my mom created my account when I was 12 (I’m in no contact with her and I didn’t want a social media account in the first place) I’m required to use it because it was a ‘gift’.
I told them that I’m an adult and don’t have to use social media if I really don’t want to. They took major offense to that claiming I no longer love them if I’m not liking their statuses or pictures.
I visit twice a week and go places with them and I call almost every day so it’s not like I’m not letting them in my life.
When I was using social media I liked the pictures of the family dogs and nothing else really and they were fine with that.
But since I stopped using social media they’re now claiming I don’t love them enough. I love my family a lot and do so much for them but this is a lot.
I do feel bad about it and I don’t want them to think I don’t love them but I really don’t want to be on social media anymore.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, as someone who doesn’t have a social media account (because there wasn’t any point in me having one) I understand where you are coming from. Social media can be used to socialize with family and friends but it’s not something that’s gonna make it the be-all and end-all.
So many people forget you can contact someone in other ways like a text, phone call, zoom, or Skype. Honestly, social media makes people become too dependent on it for the wrong reasons.
If your family is telling you ‘how they can contact you’ tell them to call your cell phone or text you. Posts like these make me worry about everyday people.” XxBlackWolfxX22
Another User Comments:
“NTJ; I left social media for that exact same reason (and because it was a time suck – I’d be on it for hours and hours getting nothing done): I really got tired of the politics and the vitriol.
It did wonders for my mental health.
Your family needs to get over themselves and you, OP, should point out to them that you’ve been spending quality, physical time with them.
Ask them why that isn’t enough. Why do they care more about a heart on a picture rather than you texting or talking to them? If they keep being selfish, go low contact for a while.” allthingsconsidered5
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but your family is either jerks or bonkers crazy. Especially if you are in no contact with your mom. You have every right to disengage from social media; they’re griping because they have to make an actual effort, maybe?
And if my family called multiple times a week, I’d likely be screening calls. That’s a lot of contact for people who are complaining. Weird.” pdxflwerpwer
3. AITJ For My Reaction When My Sister Gave Me A Kiss On The Cheek?
“I (16m) was doing my AP physics homework in my room. My sister (17f), who is a senior at the same high school I go to (I’m a junior) came into my room and asked me if I needed some help since she did the course a year earlier.
After I said no, before leaving my room, my sister leaned down and gave me a kiss on the cheek.
I freaked out and asked her ‘why did you (she) kiss me’, and she told me to ‘relax’ and that I was her ‘baby brother’ (SHE’S ONLY 19 MONTHS OLDER) and that she used to always kiss me on the cheek when we were younger, which I do remember.
She did ask me if I was uncomfortable with it, and I said no since it wasn’t really uncomfortable, more of that it was really unexpected. I still feel a bit bad for reacting maybe a bit too harshly to her just showing affection.
Now my sister is teasing me about reacting in such a way, so that sucks.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, grow up, girls don’t have cooties.
If you actually felt uncomfortable no worries about communicating a boundary politely, but being rude to your sister was uncalled for.
She’s just trying to be nice to you.” Kitotterkat
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. She didn’t do anything wrong because affection is common and usually accepted and it’s normal for what you allow to change as you get older for whatever reason.
But you control who touches your body and you deserve to set those boundaries and have them respected without being teased.” violetbaudelairegt
Another User Comments:
“YTJ… kind of. She’s your sister and she loves you.
That’s how she expresses herself. I’m a huge hugger and I trip people out when I hug them. It’s my way of expressing that I care. I think you both handled it correctly by talking through it.
Good for you both.” Chutson909
2. AITJ For Scheduling A Manicure Without My Friends?
“I (18f) scheduled a manicure for prom a week ahead of prom. My best friend (18f) and our younger sisters are all friends.
The four of us have been friends for over a decade. It’s our senior year and we are going to prom. We went together to pick out our dresses and at that time we agreed that we should get our nails done together.
Over the last few weeks, it has been tense between them and me because according to my friend ‘I am becoming colder and never initiate conversation’. I consider myself an introvert and very emotionally limited. The 3 of them usually hang out after school because they either don’t work or don’t work every day.
I work 22 hours a week as a vet tech, a job I love. They have forever been annoyed because we cannot hang out as early as they’d like. After all, I work til 6 on weekdays and 2 on Saturdays.
Anyways, a week before prom week I scheduled an appointment to get my nails done by my coworker’s partner as he does her nails and they always look great. Later that night my friends texted to ask if we were still getting our nails done together.
I’d told them I’d already scheduled an appointment because none of them had said anything and I didn’t want to not be able to get an appointment.
They did not say much at the time.
Now at school, they are mad because it was something we were supposed to do together. I said again that no one mentioned anything so I assumed we weren’t going together.
They said, ‘well you could have asked too.’ It’s 3 against 1 so in their eyes, I’m in the wrong. I apologized already because, yes I suppose I could have asked. They said that the apology doesn’t count if I keep doing this type of stuff, I.e not communicating with them.
Maybe it’s just my emotional unintelligence but I don’t understand why they’re THAT upset. So AITJ for not asking before scheduling an appointment?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
Understand that your friends feel like they are having to do all the work in your relationship. No, getting your nails done isn’t that big of a deal but if it’s a common thing with you to never communicate with them, I see why they are getting annoyed. One-sided friendships aren’t friendships at all.
You need to talk to them. If you keep it up, you might not have these friends for much longer.” sonagoddess
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You are way more mature than they are.
They live in a world that revolves around them. You are closer to the adult world.
Don’t be feeling guilty that you are independent, hard-working, and intelligent. Be proud and don’t let ANYONE make you feel less.
Stand up for yourself.
‘Hey guys, I’m sorry you feel this way.. however, I work, go to school, and then I am with you guys in one way or another.
The nail thing isn’t a big deal and is the time I made for myself. Maybe yall can get your nails done and meet me after. How about we meet after, show off our nails, and talk more about our special night?
I’m very excited and cat wait!!'” TinylilSub
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Is there any chance you can see about getting appointments for your friends with the same guy if he is willing?
You should have asked them about plans first, but if you care about this friend group, try to make some sort of effort toward a solution.” retid
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Why couldn’t you text and say ‘are we still getting our nails done together? If not, I’m going to schedule an appointment for myself.’ You could save yourself a whole lot of drama if you communicate your needs instead of waiting for someone to bring them up.
Your friends are telling you what they need from you: communication, and you still refuse to do so. Sounds like an ongoing problem on your part.” sarilly
1. AITJ For Wanting Food Cooked In A Specific Way?
“It was my (35F) birthday.
I had spent a few hours that day on my own making pierogi, which is fairly labor-intensive. I was excited to have them for my bday dinner. My mom (63F) comes home (we live in different houses on the same property) and offers to cook them up for me.
I say okay but I want them done in a specific way. I tell her this and she says ok. I come back over after a few minutes to see how it’s going, she’s cooking them a completely different way.
I’ll be real I kinda snapped. It wasn’t really about the pierogi necessarily it was about how she doesn’t listen to me. This is the thing she does all the time (asking me what I want/to help and I tell her specifics and she does something totally different), so honestly, I shouldn’t have been surprised. I wasn’t swearing or anything, I didn’t raise my voice but my tone was harsh and I was obviously very frustrated. I told her exactly what was on my mind, I didn’t hold back.
She looked at me sideways and told me ‘why does it matter? you need to get a grip’. I was still upset but I told her she was right, it was petty, I’ll still eat them, thank you and all that.
I could see I had flustered her and I was trying to calm the situation down but it wasn’t working. She said to me ‘thanks for ruining your birthday for me’.
At that point, I had to walk away. She then threw my birthday gift from her at the back of my head and took the rest of the pierogi and threw them outside in the dirt.
I went back to my house and shut the door and she began pounding on my door and screaming that I had to leave, to move right then and there.
After a couple of hours, I went over to apologize to her, fully intending on eating crow and she said very clearly ‘I don’t care’. Later I could hear her outside on the phone talking trash about me.
It’s been a week, and she’s blocked my number and is ignoring my presence when I see her in the yard. This is extremely triggering to me, as this is a familiar pattern in our relationship.
I have an inappropriate emotional overreaction and then she takes it very personally, cuts me off, and rejects me. I’m very depressed, and it reminds me of my depression as a teen.
Confused, alone, guilty, and embarrassed.
I know I’m an adult now and I shouldn’t have these angry, frustrated outbursts. I’m in therapy and it’s helped a lot in terms of stopping myself before I say things I don’t wanna say, but I’m still a work in progress.
I genuinely want to apologize and resolve the situation but she’s made it clear that she doesn’t want to speak with me.
Anyways, my thought is that I may be a jerk but at least I’m not emotionally avoidant.
I messed up but I don’t know if I deserve a week or more (who knows when it will end) of the silent treatment. Do I? A part of me does feel pretty evil and bad.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mom engages in this behavior purposefully to make you feel guilty, to make herself feel superior, and to control you. It’s way past time for you to create boundaries on what is and is not acceptable treatment and for you to enforce those boundaries by simply walking away or hanging up when she violates them.
By the way, use this no-contact time to think through what you want to change in this relationship. Also, now would be a good time to start therapy to get to the bottom of how she controls you by ignoring your wishes.” Individual_Ad_9213
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your mother is. She seems to be suffering from a mental health disturbance or personality disorder and expecting you to take the maltreatment she heaps on you without taking responsibility for her own dysfunction.
Your emotional response to her ignoring your request was completely appropriate. Her telling you that your feelings were ‘ruining your birthday for her’ is absolutely ridiculous. That’s not healthy behavior!
Your mother then doubled down by going into an emotional breakdown, throwing good food outside in the dirt, and physically assaulting you with your birthday gift. She continued the breakdown by pounding on your door hysterically and demanding you move out that second.
There is no rationality to this, and you are NOT the one in the wrong here.
Your mother is the jerk.” ShameOstrich
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. OP, you’re only a tiny bit of a jerk and that’s because you let your mother within a mile of your homemade pierogi knowing what she’s like.
You tried to smooth over your initial reaction to her disrespect of how you requested they be cooked. But no, your mom deliberately escalated a minor tiff by several really rude and aggressive actions…
My advice: don’t apologize. She’s the one who owes an apology. Your mom seems to get her jollies by jerking you around and causing you emotional pain and stress.
I guess her playbook habit of manipulating you is something you are dealing with in therapy. Please consider moving further away from her. If you are financially entangled with her, start disentangling yourself so you have the freedom to walk away.” NanaLeonie
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! Your mother’s reaction is completely out of proportion, like seriously. You should indeed get those angry frustrated outbursts (no matter how old you are) when you are continuously not being RESPECTED!
Move far away, and tell her that when she is ready to apologize TO YOU and respect you, then you can have a relationship.” AmaHalf
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, but your recognition of your shortcomings and being in therapy to help with these frustration outbursts make you suck less.
I’m sorry that your relationship with your mom is like this, and I hope that you can find some common ground so that you both can heal and come together.” Substantial-Ice-7340
Nothing about what happened is equal.
OP got upset because their mom intentionally refused to cook the food OP made the way OP had asked.
The mom had a psychotic breakdown, verbally abused OP, and assaulted OP by throwing a birthday present at their head.
The mom is solely in the wrong and OP needs to move out and never look back.
