People Think About Their Actions In These 'Am I A Jerk?' Stories
24. AITJ For Going On A Trip Planned For My Birthday After My Sister Backed Out?
“I 29F and my sister 35F have birthdays 6 days apart. We grew up poor and our mom was an addict, so we never really celebrated birthdays.
This may be the reason my sister is super weird about her birthday. She always seems to have a problem if I celebrate my birthday. She says hers is first and should be celebrated first. However, I always plan my parties or make plans for mine, she expects others to do so.
So if I or someone else doesn’t do something for hers, she gets mad if I celebrate mine.
Last year she made a huge deal because my friends made t-shirts with my face for my birthday but no one did anything “special” for hers.
I took her for drinks and dinner.
I’m turning 30 this year on the 30th so I wanted it to be special. I told my sister that we should travel to Thailand and Bali. We’ve both always wanted to go. She agreed, this was about 8 months ago.
I’m doing all the planning, she’s agreeing. I sent flights and things seem to be going as planned. When booking the hotels, she states she doesn’t have the funds yet. I said okay no problem, I’ll book and you give me the funds later.
A month before I started getting worried because she still hadn’t given the funds, but every time I mentioned it she said yes she was for sure going. Another week passes and she confesses she doesn’t have the funds.
I agree that I’ll pay for all the hotels and all she needs is the spending funds.
She confesses that she never even bought the ticket.
She then said I could probably cancel and get credit for the airline. I laugh and say well I’m still going obviously. She gets so upset saying that I’m going to her dream destination for her birthday and how that’s so wrong.
She gets more upset when she learns our mutual friend sent me some funds to help cover since she lied to me right before the trip and I now have to cover everything on my own.
She keeps replying to all my stories snarky, and calling me a golden child.
(We both grew up in foster care and didn’t have active parents or foster parents).
I was talking to my brother about it and he said he understands her point of view, that she just wants to feel special. He said I should have paid for everything including her ticket as I make more funds or that I should have pushed it back so that it’s not over her birthday.
Now I feel bad, but I just want to be able to celebrate myself in peace without constantly worrying about offending my sister. So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all! You gave her so many opportunities to be part of the trip. You even were willing to cover more than your share.
You seem like a kind sister. Use the funds you would have spent on bigger rooms for more experience. Have fun! Edit: spelling error” jointjourneyers
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but your sister and brother are. Why should you have to pay for everything because you make more funds?
Why should you have to ignore or have a crappy birthday because your sister is so darn childish? If your brother was that bothered, then he could have stepped up and paid for your entitled sister to go on this trip. Stop trying to please her and just enjoy yourself.
Happy Birthday and many, many more!” BooCat3
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your sister’s misery is self-inflicted. She had months to plan and save, months of agreeing, only to turn around and shaft you at the last minute and then complain all over the place and throw a fit when you don’t stay and be miserable not-in-Bali with her.
To be honest, I’d strongly consider never doing anything more planning-intensive than a spontaneous lunch date with her again after such a fiasco, but I have a real issue with being jerked around and ungrateful people disrespecting my time and effort.” AethericOwl
23. AITJ For Using My Deck At Night Despite Neighbour's Complaints?
“I (24F) have lived in my current apartment for around 3 years. Recently I’ve begun cleaning my deck and laying out the furniture again as a form of “spring cleaning”. I get all this done during the day while it’s still light out. However, I like to go and sit on my deck with the light on during the night just to get some fresh air occasionally while enjoying my new deck furniture and setup.
This hasn’t been a problem in the 3 years I’ve lived here; However recently I’ve had one of the neighbours come onto his deck and start SCREAMING at me for being on my deck. I can say for certain I am not being loud. I never even speak on my deck or watch videos.
Just sit and scroll on my phone or I’ll read. During the daytime, I decided to test whether I was somehow being too loud and I got my fiancé to sit in various rooms while I talked, Played videos, slid chairs, etc he said the only thing he could slightly hear was the chair sliding so I know for certain I am not being too loud.
The light also shouldn’t be the issue as there is a road about 20 feet away with streetlights and cars passing by at all hours and even without the light on it’s very bright.
Almost every time I go out on my deck after sunset within 5 minutes the neighbor is on the deck screaming at me.
He has never once been nice and just slammed open his door and screamed “Can you GET OFF YOUR DECK?? YOU’RE BEING SO INCONSIDERATE AND SELFISH”. He has not been kind or asked politely literally a single time and has only ever resorted to what I call the “Grand tantrum fit for the brattiest 4-year-old”.
Because of all this, I’ve decided to continue using my deck as I see fit and sitting quietly with the light on.
I’ve recently told a few of my co-workers about this story and although most are on my side and have said that if he’s not paying my bills he can’t dictate how I use my space as long as I’m not hurting anyone or being disruptive, Other co-workers have said I should be a bit more understanding and maybe he has some issues or something so here I am asking, AITJ for using my deck at night?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s your deck. We’re not even talking about the middle of the night when the light might shine in the window or something. 5 minutes after sunset? Give me a break. You are allowed to use your property. Maybe you should be playing music (to drown out his screaming)?/s If he threatens you in any way, report him to authorities.
He’s acting unhinged.” ParsimoniousSalad
Another User Comments:
“NTJ You might want to complain to property management if you rent, or whoever oversees the building if you own. Get a few videos of him screaming and go to the police to see what they can do for you as well.
He’s obsessed and has decided to make your life miserable but he’s in the wrong and needs to calm down. If you have a way to block his view of your deck, do so. One of those shades made of cloth or a patio blind.” hadMcDofordinner
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He’s not being remotely polite, not giving you any reason (or possible way to fix that reason), and doesn’t get to control your use of your space. You have your phone with you; record his harassment. Don’t respond to it. Don’t give up your deck.
If you have a landlord, HOA, or non-emergency enforcement, consider reporting his harassment if you want. He’s being a jerk *even if* you were making some noise or shining some light that needed to be mitigated because he’s not mentioned that apparently. (And you can have your light and minimal noise of living, even if he’s upset.)” Tangerine_Bouquet
22. AITJ For Not Wanting To Fund A Vacation For My Husband's Parents With My Savings?
“My (F30) parents always put me above their wants and needs. They wanted to give me the best opportunities. They invested in my education, took me on trips, etc. At a point, when my father got some funds at retirement, he put a major chunk of that away for my wedding instead of doing anything for them.
Knowing how much my parents did for me, I always dreamt of doing things for them when I had the means for that.
When I started seeing my now husband, all this had come up in our conversations. I had told him I planned to set aside a set amount from my salary to do things with them.
He was always positive about it.
I went on several trips with my parents before my marriage. We got married over a year ago and last week I was planning another vacation with my parents this coming June. My husband saw this and asked if we could take his parents somewhere as well.
I said sure and revised budgets and approximated accordingly. I went to discuss with him about how much it would cost and how much I needed him to put down.
He seemed taken aback and asked if I didn’t already have enough funds to take our parents.
I did have funds saved up, but that was set aside for things for my parents only. If I took from that to fund a trip for his parents also, I would be reducing what I can do for my parents.
I asked if I took care of this entire vacation, would he be open to funding another vacation for my parents?
He said no asking why my parents deserved an additional vacation as compared to his.
It was frustrating to me and I said all this money I saved was earmarked for my parents. If I take from it to spend on his, he ought to compensate and spend on mine.
He said I was showing partiality to my parents and not treating his parents as my own.
So I told him while I have no qualms about having his parents come on the trip, I wouldn’t be funding them. He is mad at me about this.
Additional note just for full disclosure: I make more funds than him, around twice. We contribute to our household expenses accordingly as well. We share all household expenses and have personal accounts for the rest of the funds. And we do take vacations just us during the year.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ if you want to treat your parents and save funds for it, that’s 100% your choice. Why would expect you to treat HIS parents? Sure, it would be nice of you, but he shouldn’t be mad about it. His parents didn’t invest in your childhood or your future, what would you be “returning the favor“ for?
That being said, I’d encourage him to set a budget and start saving so he’s able to do the same sorts of things you do for your parents.” JenninMiami
Another User Comments:
“NTJ From your description, your vacation with your parents is being funded with your spending funds.
If your husband wants to take his parents on a trip, he should start saving and have a discussion with you about how much you could contribute to that trip.” teresajs
Another User Comments:
“NTJ-You made good points here. You aren’t being partial at all.
You sound like you’re better at budgeting funds and planning. If he wants to include his parents, then he needs to put up $ towards it. It sounds like your husband thought, you do all the financial part and planning while he and his parents enjoy the benefits of the trip without putting in the effort and it isn’t that way so he’s bent about it.
I think you responded clearly and rather well. Definitely NTJ.” Sea-Tea-4130
21. AITJ For Not Wanting To Adopt My Late Mother-In-Law's Cats Due To My Husband's Allergies?
“I (29F) and my husband “Nick” (33M) got married and purchased a home last year. The only pets we have are guinea pigs, whom my husband and I love dearly. They remain in their cage 95% of the time, except when Nick and I clean the cage or we snuggle them while watching TV.
They are very clean with the exception of some hay falling on the floor, which is easy to sweep.
Unfortunately, after a long battle with several illnesses, Nick’s grandmother passed away a couple of weeks ago. It has been devastating for him since they were so close.
He spent a lot of his early life with her and even lived with her for a year. I only got to know his grandmother for the 8 years Nick and I have been together. She and I got along fine.
Nick’s grandmother left behind two cats, both fairly old.
They are currently overweight and shed everywhere. They lived with his grandmother for at least a decade. They know Nick and his family.
Nick made it clear to me at the start of our relationship that he would not allow cats to live with him.
He is very allergic and says cats are jerks. I think he exaggerates a bit on the latter, as I have seen him interacting with friends’ and family members’ cats before. However, the allergies are real. When we visit his grandmother’s house, he has difficulty breathing, his eyes watering, constantly has a runny nose.
Because of this, I have said no to even pet-sitting my mom’s cat (whom I adore) at our house for a few days.
Nick is talking about adopting his grandmother’s cats into our home. I’ve said no for a variety of reasons—his allergies, vet bills, cost and time for feeding and cleaning, keeping our guinea pigs safe, and the fact that there will be cat hair everywhere.
Nick said he thinks he might just be allergic to the litter and dust and has offered to take on the costs of food, litter, and vet bills. He also offered to clean the litter boxes.
The current plan is for Nick’s mom to house the cats.
However, her current cat does not get along with other cats, so the grandmother’s cats will live upstairs. They have a fairly long hallway and access to at least one or two bedrooms. Nick thinks this is not a good situation for any of the cats, but I think they’ll receive ample care there and it’s similar to the size of his grandmother’s house.
AITJ for saying no to taking in the cats?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here Pets are serious responsibility and I can understand both points of view. What I will say (and admittedly I’m biased as I have a cat) is that it is important to understand the potential emotional significance of these cats to your husband.
They are a reminder of someone he lost, it makes sense that even though he isn’t a cat person he may feel a pull towards these cats. This doesn’t mean that he gets to be the one solely in charge of this choice, but I do think to reach a true resolution it’s important to acknowledge that these are not just two cats, they are the cats of a deceased family member.” Popperbopper
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I don’t think there is a jerk here. You’re not wrong: the cats are not a good fit for your home or your life, or your husband’s life. I think refusal is the right call based on what you’ve written. But unless there are some red flags hidden in what you’ve written, your hubs isn’t being evil about this.
He might be reacting emotionally about the cats based on his relationship with his grandmother. It might be a question of thoughts of his own mortality. Whatever, he wants and is pushing for his thing, and you’re standing firm on yours… and neither one of you is evil or jerkish, so far, you’re just having a disagreement about the direction of your life moving forward, and it’s something you’re going to need to work out together.
It is not jerk behaviour to not want to disrupt your life for those cats. It’s perfectly reasonable. But, it’s also not jerk behaviour to want or to take the cats in these circumstances. It’s perfectly understandable. I can’t tell you whether reason or understanding is better her.
Only you and your husband can make this call.” rockology_adam
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. There is already a solution in place. Taking them in will make him miserable in more ways than one. Being exposed for a short amount of time is one thing, living with them in another.
For everyone’s sake it is best for them to remain at his mom’s.” SliceEquivalent825
20. AITJ For Not Paying My DoorDasher's Tow Fee After He Illegally Parked While Delivering My Order?
“I (28M) ordered Taco Bell via DoorDash around midnight and when my Dasher got to my complex, he couldn’t find my apartment. DoorDash sent me an automated message saying that he couldn’t find my apartment and I should try calling or texting him.
I didn’t see that message for five minutes, but when I did, I called and texted him to no response.
So I walked out and heard some commotion in the hallway. I found the Dasher looking confused talking to some of my neighbors who had just got home.
I asked him (the Dasher) if he was looking for me and gave him my apartment number. He gave me my order. I thanked him and started walking towards my apartment when my neighbor said “His car got totaled!” (I later found out she meant towed) In shock, I said, “Like, just now?” She said “Yeah.
While he was looking for you!” I went back into my apartment, dropped off my food, grabbed my shoes, and went outside to see if there was anything I could do to help.
The Dasher then told me that when he got there, he parked in the fire lane and someone had towed his vehicle.
I felt kinda bad and I offered to drive him to finish his deliveries (he had one more and it was close to where I lived) and drive him to the tow truck company. He got mad because he wanted me to give him $200 to get his car out.
I told him I couldn’t do that and that it was not my fault for what happened to him. I again offered to drive him to where he needed to go and he declined my help saying he didn’t need transportation, he needed funds as he is a broke college student trying to get funds by doing DoorDash at late hours to pay his bills.
He ended up calling an Uber.
Two days later, he came to my apartment and again asked for funds. I told him that, if he came to my apartment again, I would call the police because this was harassment. Am I in the wrong here?
I talked to my family and friends about this and some of them said that I should’ve gone to an ATM to get him $200 and my offering to give him a ride was insulting and not helpful at all. Side note: I did not report his behaviors to DoorDash because I don’t want him to lose his side job.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He parked in a fire lane. You didn’t ask or expect him to do that. I suppose if he got a speeding ticket on the way, he’d expect you to pay that too? Your offer to drive him to the tow operation was more than generous.
The situation sucks but it’s entirely the consequence of his actions.” Ok_Childhood_9774
Another User Comments:
“NTJ: This happened to him because he is a dummy. If it wasn’t you, it would be someone else. It HAS been. Sounds like the kind of person to complain that the firefighters damaged his electronics whilst putting out his house fire.
His behavior, in fact….. deserves some petty revenge. Returning to your apartment is SO inappropriate. Since he knows where you live, it isn’t a good idea to contact DoorDash. I personally would… being 6’4” and 200 lbs Your friends and family give bad advice. It’s not your fault he ignored the law for a food delivery.
Period. End of story. Mess around and find out.” OhDONCHAknoww
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You didn’t tell him to park illegally to deliver your food. That was his fault and I would not have even gone back outside. Dude is legally required to follow the laws, just like everyone else.
It’s not your fault he was towed away. If he shows up again, file a police report for his extortion and file a complaint with door dash.” darklinghate
19. AITJ For Not Immediately Leaving The Bathroom For My Grandma?
“Not sure if this qualifies as NSFW, but I do talk about medical history and bathrooms and stuff so IDK LOL.
For context, my (F17) grandma (F62) has had some health problems in the past few years. She’s been diagnosed with diabetes, and last October just got a toe partially amputated because of it. Her recovery, however, has been great. She’s back to the point where she can walk normally and regularly around the house, my grandpa has gotten her special shoes for walking, and by December she was able to travel outside, she seemed to be doing well.
Today, I came home from school and saw she was taking a nap on the couch. I went on the computer for a couple hours, then went to the bathroom to you know, do my business. After like a minute I hear banging on the door, my grandma saying “LET ME IN.” I responded that I was using the bathroom and she yelled back she didn’t care and to open the door.
I said something like “Bruh one second” The toilet is far from the door, so I finished my business and opened the door before I washed my hands so she could go into the toilet/shower part of the bathroom (?) but she didn’t come in.
When I walked out she came storming out the bathroom down the hall saying she could’ve had an accident and she would made me clean it up, and that she knew I wasn’t using the bathroom. I asked what she meant, and she said “I heard you were humming, I know you were practicing for your stupid choir in there.” At this point, I just laughed because that’s ridiculous, and she stormed off.
Later my Grandpa knocked on my door and started lecturing me about how she could’ve had an accident and how I should’ve been quicker. The time from the knocking to me opening the door must have been no more than 30 seconds, and I pointed that out and how there was a second bathroom 2 doors down.
Then he said that this was my biggest problem, I lacked respect and should have jumped up to let her in due to her recent injury, checked on her before I went in, and most definitely not laughed at her lecture.
Now I feel like I should’ve done more for her.
Was I the rude one here? She’s seemed fine for months, and I stopped regularly caring for her because she’s said she wants to be more self-sufficient. Should I apologize? Or just leave it?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Double standard. The world doesn’t revolve around her, and her medical issues.
She is the first one that has to take care of herself.” Alfred-Register7379
18. AITJ For Asking My Gay Son To Tone Down His Affection In Public For Safety?
“My (48M) youngest boy Hunter (14M) recently came out a few weeks ago and has had a partner Derek (14M) for a good minute.
We fully support and love him for it. Around this time of year, we go on a family fishing trip and visit my parents a town over. Hunter wanted to bring Derek and his brothers have brought partners before so being supportive we said yes.
We also happen to live in rural Missouri though and I know since coming out Hunter’s had a bit of a rough go of it at school even being a wrestler. My parent’s town is also worse. We usually do fishing in the morning and then the boys go off on their own into town to do whatever and hang out.
Yesterday Hunter and Derek were already getting some weird looks from local boys for just holding hands while we were at the fishing spot. Not wanting anything to happen before they went off on their own or with his brothers I pulled Hunter and Derek to the side and told them it’d probably be a good idea if they were less affectionate while in town and to tone down.
Hunter got this sad look on his face and before I got another word in he just said okay and dragged Derek off.
As far as I’m aware nothing happened while they were off by themselves. Except Hunter would barely talk to me when they got back later in the day.
Just kept looking down anytime we were having a conversation. It was still going like that this morning and I just had enough I pulled aside alone and asked if someone said anything or done anything. He said everything was fine nothing he couldn’t handle and so I asked why he was acting the way he was.
He gets mad hot and just yells because I don’t support him and that I’m ashamed of him. I told him of course I did and I go for a hug but he won’t let me.
He yells at me through tears that I told him not to be himself yesterday.
I tried to explain that it was for his and Derek’s safety not because I was ashamed but because he told me I was lying and wouldn’t hear anything I was saying. We haven’t talked anymore since the blowout this morning. My wife thinks I should’ve just kept the boys close and kept an eye out instead of saying what I did.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m sorry but I am seriously confused as to why people are saying he’s the jerk and he “pulled the wrong boys aside” It’s as if he can pull the entirety of the town and give them a talk about being homophobic.
All the dad did was say “it might be a good idea” to tone it down FOR THEIR SAFETY. He never said anything mean or anything. I don’t know if this matters, but I’m also a gay teen boy and I don’t see anything wrong with what the dad said to them.” InterestingCarpet453
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m a gay man. Your son and his partner could’ve been badly hurt or worse. Sadly, that’s just the way it still is in some places. He needs to understand that for his safety. You should show your son this post so he can see how many gay people agree with you.
Thanks for being such a good dad and supporting and protecting your son. I would’ve given anything to have that when I was his age.” KickLiving
17. AITJ For Wanting To Cut Off My Grandmother Who Belittles My Career Choice?
“I (18 F) have grown up with my Grandmother’s constant belittling and managed to deal with it for all of my life.
She has always said I’m a “gifted child” and expected good things from me. She has called me Doctor (insert my last name here) my entire life and set a lot of pressure on me. She is very selective with which grandchildren she loves and I have always been ‘lucky enough’ to make the ‘cut.’ This affords me better Christmas presents but also inebriated and passive-aggressive texts.
I’m a junior in high school and am in the process of looking at colleges. Against my grandmother’s wishes, I want to go to school for early childhood education instead of something in the sciences. When I was at her house last, I told her about this.
She asked me if I thought that was something I’d be good at and implied I wouldn’t. I have been working in childcare almost all of my teenage life and I pride myself on my ability to make children feel safe and loved. Throughout the entire conversation, she made me feel small inside and like I would have no success in that field.
This is what I’ve been dealing with for a while and was able to handle it.
However, she soon started discussing how I could cure diseases if I put my mind to it. She referenced my Grammie (whom I loved very dearly and who died semi-recently from cancer) and very heavily implied that I could save people like her.
It was awful because I felt like a terrible person for not becoming a doctor and saving lives.
I ended up leaving the kitchen, but later that day at the breakfast table she cornered me in another discussion. She talked about how I would be abandoning my family if I went to a college that was far away and I had a duty to them.
My family is incredibly important to me but I’ve always longed for the feeling of independence. I tried to explain this to my grandmother but she said “We all want that, it’s just not realistic. You have people here who need you.” (Keep in mind I don’t even live with my family at this stage and instead attend a boarding school so??)
I sat through the entire lecture and held my tongue. When it was over, I gave her a quick hug and my dad and I left. I cried on the way home. I told my mother what happened and she recounted a similar experience that happened a week or two prior.
I recently had a mental health-related incident and my Grandmother insinuated my mother wasn’t doing enough to support me. This broke me inside because my mother has always done her best for me.
I’ve decided I don’t want anything to do with my Grandmother anymore.
I won’t ask to see her and I won’t reply to her passive-aggressive text messages.
Eventually, I will need to visit her, and when she comes after me, my mother, or anyone else in my family again I will speak up and call her out.
WIBTJ for yelling at my grandmother.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, Do not fall for this guilt trip. Do what you enjoy and what makes you happy. Becoming a doctor and curing cancer would take decades of work and it will be impossible to accomplish if your heart and soul aren’t in it.
You’ll end up wasting tons of money and time on a career you know you don’t want. When asked simply say, “Thank you for your recommendations but I will be going to a college I have chosen to study for a career I’ll enjoy, I have made my choice and it is no longer up for discussion.
Thank you for your input” and change the topic of the convo. Refuse to discuss it. In 20 years all that will matter is your doing what you enjoy. Everyone else can suck rocks.” the_chicken_chaser
Another User Comments:
“NTJ So you won’t be a doctor that cures cancer, but you could be the teacher that saves a child or their education.
You could give the child who becomes that Doctor the encouragement they need to keep applying themselves and not give up. As far as “Eventually I will have to visit her” No you don’t. You don’t have to do anything.” DifficultMammoth
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! Keep in mind yelling won’t get you where you want to be. Your goal is to set boundaries. You need to explain that as an adult now your relationship has to grow along with you. You will respect her ideas and she must respect your choices whether or not they align.
You won’t abide by hurtful language spoken to you or your loved ones. If you’ve asked for a topic change or told her that what she’s saying is hurtful, she needs to stop. Failure to do this will result in a loss of respect for her and speaking with her/visiting will no longer be a priority.
As for the texts? Tell her it’s abusive to you and your relationship with her and they need to stop. If they don’t you’ll have to block her. If you’ve already resolved to cut her off completely? Say nothing. Don’t yell or contact her. If she’s lost you, she’s not worth your time.” rebel_muse
16. AITJ For Not Letting My Mother Watch My Son During A Football Match?
“I got my husband tickets for a football match for his birthday. The match is about 1 hour away from my hometown (5 hours from where we live).
Now instead of getting a hotel and arranging for my 2-year-old to have a sleepover with MIL, my husband suggested that we stay with some of my family and spend an extended weekend there.
My dad lives next to a train station so I asked him if he would be up for looking after our two-year-old during the match. (He has done it a few times before when we’ve both traveled down for work).
For context, my parents are separated and my mum has recently had an operation and isn’t well enough to look after my 2-year-old for extended periods.
So I asked my Nan if we could stay at hers for a few nights and let my Mum know we were coming down and if she wanted to do anything. I also asked if there was anything of my Sibling that she wanted me to bring up as they now live in the same city as me and my husband.
Now, according to my mum, we had arranged for her to look after my son while we go to a work meeting. I do not recall discussing anything with her about looking after my 2-year-old. But I do appreciate that she may have interpreted us coming down and assumed I needed childcare because I had mentioned previously that I got my husband football tickets for his birthday that weekend.
She’s now called around several members of our family about how ‘I’ve mistreated her’. I’ve offered to discuss this further and I was already planning on taking her to one of her favorite gardens while we were down. So would still be spending more time with her than my dad overall.
But she’s declined to speak with me, saying ‘I have treated her like a jerk’ and asked my Nan to not let me stay over. If I am staying with her side of the family I shouldn’t be seeing my dad at all.
(My dad doesn’t have a spare room so we would need to pay for a hotel/camp outside instead).
I am happy to get a hotel for one night (which is all I can afford). But I don’t want to cancel seeing my dad and not let him spend time with his grandson.
Especially as the last time I visited him was for his birthday and I had to cut the time short as my mum had insisted I spend the time with her instead.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – This is not a “you” thing. It sounds like your mother “thought” you were just coming to see her, and that she would have more time with baby than your dad.
You were trying to see everyone and make sure everyone had time with the baby, however, your mom wanted to have a one-up on your dad. Example: She got to see and spend time with the baby when he didn’t. So she is saying if you stay with her family you can’t see him and let him see the baby.
I would explain that either y’all spend the weekend and everyone sees baby, or y’all spend the night and she doesn’t get to see baby.” 99moma05
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, I’m sorry your mother is attempting to manipulate you with guilt. Maybe next time you plan a visit, you either text or email the key points so she can’t openly lie about you to your extended family.
My suggestion would be; to tell her you’ve cancelled your plans, then go through with them and just keep her out of it. If she didn’t know, it can’t hurt her.” DgShwgrl
15. AITJ For Setting Boundaries With My Emotionally Draining Mother?
“My mother, aged 51, has been trying to get out of an abusive relationship for the last year.
I am proud of the progress she has made and she is currently in the final steps of breaking ties with her partner. That being said, this has been a challenging year. My mother has, at times, been homeless. She has lived with me and my sister for periods, and we have supported her financially.
Generally, she has deeply struggled with coping with what has happened to her. Luckily, she has been able to start seeing a therapist, which I think has helped her a lot in deciding to finally leave her partner.
For more context about my mom, she was severely mistreated as a child, had both me and my sister at a young age, has struggled with prescription pain med use, and has been a more chaotic than stable presence in our lives.
She can be incredibly melodramatic; she often seeks attention through her struggles/illnesses and has been known to lie about them. She is the perfect example of the phrase ‘misery loves company’.
After a childhood of being my mother’s emotional rock/support system, our emotions have become very entwined. I spent my childhood worrying about her constantly, and I can’t stop as an adult.
No one can make me more anxious or neurotic than her. Speaking with her, especially when she is having a breakdown, is incredibly emotionally draining. She has always had trouble controlling her emotions. She is incredibly reactive and can mostly only think in black and white.
She also is a person who will wallow in her suffering. I often have panic attacks after speaking with her and have had to seek therapy to help with our relationship.
Yesterday, my mom called me and told me about a recent altercation that had occurred between her and her partner.
I let her talk for ~35 min about very explicit descriptions of mistreatment, her self-hate, and other very fatalistic topics. Finally, I felt like I couldn’t breathe and told her that I couldn’t listen to this stuff anymore. Of course, she took this very poorly and told me I didn’t care about her.
The thing is that I deeply care about her, but I can’t handle being her child and therapist, especially for such intense issues. I don’t know how to tell her that I’m here for her but I can’t handle everything she throws my way.
Am I the jerk, or in this case, just a bad son for setting a boundary in this scenario?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I have a parent like this and for years I dealt with constant trauma dumping and emotional drama. It’s mentally exhausting and you will never be the jerk for protecting yourself and setting those boundaries with your mother.
It does not mean you do not love her. As you said, you are her child, not her therapist. I do feel for your mother, as it sounds like her life has been seriously traumatic, and breaking the cycle of mistreatment is very difficult, but she needs professional help.” Pure-Philosopher-175
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have to consider your own mental/emotional health and set boundaries for yourself, and you’re not a jerk for doing so. Different circumstances, but I have told my mom “I love, I support you, but I cannot be the person you talk about *X problem* for the sake of my mental health”.
I encouraged her to talk to her therapist, a friend, a support group, etc. I told her if she wanted someone to just offer encouraging words, a distraction, a hug, or just quality time together, I was there for her. Given your mom’s history, she might not receive what you are saying well, but hopefully, she will come around.” Stranger0nReddit
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, not everyone can handle emotional trauma well. To hear what horrible things that your family went through can be gut-wrenching. Not everyone can be a therapist. Speaking of, I think both of you need to see a therapist. Your mother is also too accustomed to seeking emotional support from you and is not aware, or doesn’t realize the toll that it is taking on you as well.
You are not a bad son.” Hungrysharkandbake
14. AITJ For Going To Dinner Despite My Poor Mental State?
“I (18F) work for my father. I’ve suffered from severe depression and anxiety most of my teen years and have barely got any school qualifications.
I’ve been diagnosed with a few things that including an eating disorder and bipolar disorder. I’m working towards them now and my dad has given me an internship at his job so I can start slowly improving my life. I’m very grateful for this opportunity.
My dad has two associates (colleagues? don’t even know tbh) who are father and son. This concerns the son Randy (26M). I’ve met him a few times.
My dad has mentioned two things about Randy to me before. He mentioned that Randy thought I was pretty (he assumed I was older because other people in my job role are in their 20s) and that when all of that was cleared up, he said he didn’t think that I should get things handed to me just because I was ‘sad’, meaning my job.
I’ve always brushed it aside because he doesn’t know me, and I want to be professional. Additionally, Randy is currently working in the type of role I hope to progress to in the future so I’ve been secretly hoping that we can get along so I can learn a thing or two from him.
I had a bit of a relapse in my mental health and spent a lot of time last week too anxious to leave my bedroom. My dad rang me last night and told me to get ready as he wanted to take me to dinner with Randy and his father.
It was semi-business related but it was supposed to be informal.
As soon as we got there, Randy shook my hand and squeezed it pretty hard. Randy is a very tall guy who works out so this hurt a lot. I said ‘ouch’ pretty loudly and pulled my hand from his grip.
My dad asked me what happened, and the tears came pouring. I was so embarrassed and I’m not usually like this but I was already feeling so anxious and nervous and I couldn’t handle anything.
My dad got me an Uber back home and he stayed out.
When he returned, he said that I had embarrassed him by ‘crying like a little girl’ because someone squeezed my hand too hard. I tried to explain and apologize but he said that I needed to get myself together. He said it was wrong of me to accept his invitation to go out for dinner knowing how bad my mental state was at the time and I felt horrible.
I see this forum on TikTok so I thought it would be a good place to post. AITJ for going out knowing how bad I was feeling?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I have a feeling that dad would’ve coerced you into going, or guilt-tripped you if you’d tried to say no and explained why.
I also feel like this Randy was purposefully being intimidating… but that might just be my opinion.” JaneDoe_83
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. First of all, no offense, but your dad sounds like an ableist jerk. Secondly, I’m also an 18-year-old mentally ill girl, and it’s rough.
The other day, I had a full-on crying fit in front of my whole family because I couldn’t have the flavor of drink I wanted. Of course, it wasn’t really about the drink. My family was completely understanding and supportive, and I hope you have people like that in your life, too.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – for going out to dinner despite feeling mentally unwell. Mental health struggles can be unpredictable, and it’s not always easy to gauge how we’ll feel in different situations. Your dad’s reaction seems a bit harsh, especially considering he invited you out knowing your current mental state.
It’s understandable that you were overwhelmed and emotional, and you shouldn’t feel guilty for expressing your emotions. It might be helpful to have a conversation with your dad about your mental health and how he can better support you in the future.” VY_Canis_Majorys
13. AITJ For Refusing To Be My Partner's Emotional Dumping Ground?
“I (34M) am in a relationship with my partner (30F) of 6 years. She has severe health issues involving her uterus, as well as ongoing depression. A lot of this has been a thing for at least 3 or 4 years.
Recently it came to a head. She’s been in the hospital several times recently, and I’ve been there with her every time, but it’s been one of the worst months of her life.
She often wants to vent for like an hour or 2 when she’s extremely stressed or depressed. I try to listen and be there for her but it’s exhausting when it’s almost daily.
She’ll keep repeating or rehashing the same issues. If I try to point out the upside and say things will be okay she gets annoyed and says I don’t know that. If I try to provide advice she wants me to stop trying to fix things.
I’ve tried just listening mostly quietly and she says “Is that all you have to say?” or that she’s not feeling comforted.
I ask her what she wants me to do to comfort her and she says she doesn’t know, but to do something. I try to hug her but often when she’s depressed she doesn’t want to be touched. She also doesn’t like me looking at my phone, even though sometimes she’ll be processing stress for hours, expecting me to do nothing but listen.
She often snips at me when she’s stressed, or insults me calling me a jerk or a robot(I’m autistic and don’t process social cues well). She’s even admitted that if I treated her half as bad as she did when she got angry she wouldn’t be with me, but that the hormone issues and medications she’s on mean she cannot control her emotions.
But I’m the only one she lashes out at. I point this out and that she doesn’t lash out at anyone else in her family like her mother who she vents to like 10% of the time, but she says it’s not a competition. She has very few friends and only talks to them every few months so I’m like 90% of her support network.
I finally told her that I couldn’t be her emotional dumping ground. I’m willing to listen and be there for her but not for hours on end or tolerate being insulted. I refuse to believe that someone can’t control their emotions. She’s woken me up several hours before work to vent for 2 hours and then gotten snippy at me over stuff, and I told her she needs to manage her emotions better and stop unloading on me when I’m not capable.
She’s only just now after years of looking to start therapy. She did 4 years ago but dropped it pretty quickly.
I do try to help her as much as possible, but I also tend to need a lot of alone time, though I make clear it’s not because of her but just that I get overwhelmed. So I’m not as receptive as I should be, but I also pretty much never insult or lash out at her.
Me being genuinely insulting is like a once-a-year or 2 occurrence. For her, it’s like every 2 weeks, with lots of snipping and agitation almost every day.
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, I can tell by your post that you are almost at the end of the road with your partner..
pulling back emotionally is the first step.. and I say that as someone with the emotional complexities of a toolbox… You can’t be a constant trauma dumping ground for your partner… you will likely snap one day..” Yama858077
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, it sounds like she has been putting a lot of this on you, it’s not fair to you or her, she obviously is not getting what she needs in her venting and such so it’s taking a toll on both of you, she very much needs to seek out proper therapy.
I am sorry you’re both going through this, I am sure you both would benefit from some solid therapy, she needs to find a better source to release her stress and anxiety.” S*******o
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but it is important that you realize she needs therapy.
She needs a way to work through all of the mental issues she is struggling with. Even if you were capable of listening through this without her lashing out at you, you aren’t capable of helping her with more extreme emotional issues. This is what therapy is for, but many people have a negative view of therapy because they think only crazy people need it.
This could not be further from the truth. All of us, including myself, have unresolved issues from our pasts that need to be healthily worked through. Encourage her to take that route, and make sure that if you set a boundary, you enforce it.” Responsible-End-6371
12. AITJ For Feeling Fed Up Supporting My Adult Kids Who Don't Show Interest In My Life?
“I have 2 adult kids, one in the mid 30s and the other in my late 20s. I am in my mid-60s and still working full-time, partially to be able to support them. To be fair: They both struggle with mental health issues and one with substance issues, possibly disabling.
One lives with me, the other within 3 miles. Also, I adore them and set up this dynamic thinking it was temporary. I try to reflect their best selves to them, and so have set up their expectations of me.
So, it’s now 5 years in this dynamic: I provide financial support to both of them.
Of them, I frequently drop everything to provide emotional support (middle of the night, anytime). No matter how exhausted or how much work I have the next day, I am there. I want to be there – nothing is more important to me than them.
Neither ever offer to help me with anything and both expect I will handle their hard things (that other adults handle) for them. If I ask for help and they agree, I cannot count on it. They often cannot follow through for one reason or another.
Neither ever asks me a single question about my world or life. It’s been 6 months since the last time one of them asked me a question or showed curiosity about anything about me. If we do make plans they mostly cancel them, even for the last 3 years on my birthday, because they are too tired or not feeling well.
Sometimes legit, sometimes exhausted from staying up all night before. They might get me a birthday present but more often buy some cake or something that I eat alone or with my life partner, at most. When my mother and ex-husband (their father) died this last year, neither helped with any of it – I had to clear out all the stuff and handle everything.
I am currently paying to store my ex-husband’s stuff because they can’t make themselves go through it.
I am feeling heartbroken. I don’t feel as if either cares about me at all and I am starting to question whether they feel any love for me at all (they say they do, and I think they believe it).
I love them deeply and want to take care of them, but AITJ for continuing to do that instead of saving for retirement or having fun? On the other hand, AITJ for being hurt, sad, and fed up? If I say any of this to them, they will rage, deny, and probably cut off contact with me for a while.
AITJ but for which part?”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. You are not doing your children any good by enabling them to stay in this state of perpetual adolescence. You say you love them – so let them grow. Expect things from them, like following through on tasks.
Don’t handle any things they can be reasonably expected to handle. Don’t offer emotional support a friend can also offer. (Honestly: I am just reading this and feel stifled by your constant presence. There is a darker side to a “helping mother”, for sure.) Your children are, of course, also jerks and seem insufferable.
But that’s partially on you since you very much let them. The basic duty of a parent is to make themselves obsolete, as hard as it sounds. You don’t get to complain since this is a situation entirely of your own making, as far as I can tell.
But there is still time to improve it. You don’t want to live like this, and you shouldn’t want it for your children either.” alexandraadler
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – They have to learn to take care of themselves at some point or at least each other.
You could stop doing certain things for them and gradually pull back until they’re doing more and more for themselves. For example, don’t do their laundry anymore or do other tasks they could do for themselves. You have to help them help themselves.
Having you there for the most difficult parts of their lives is fine but they should care about your life too. It’s selfish when they don’t.” SweetNSourCat
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. I also have grown children, and I spent their teenage years giving them more freedom and responsibility so they could grow into adulthood before going out into the world.
I now have three self-sufficient friends I just happen to have given birth to. And that’s the way it should be. If you’re still parenting when your kids are adults, you have failed in your duty as a parent. I’m not saying you should cut them off, but you need to stop being their mother, for all your sakes.” Ok_Heart_7193
11. AITJ For Refusing To Take My Partner's Mom To Doctor Appointments?
“I’m 41 with 2 kids still in school and a full-time job with a contract that requires me to work weekends so I regularly have weekdays off. My partner of almost 7 years also has 2 kids still in school and works full time 9-5 but often stays for OT.
Last spring his mom had knee surgery and stayed with his aunt for convenience.
We started to notice she had no short-term memory and massively diminished reaction times so we didn’t let her drive. She has been staying with us since Sept and it has been taxing on us as a whole.
My partner’s sister is a teacher with a husband and 2 kids in school. She offered/insisted to manage the medical stuff and occasionally host their mom for the weekend but the brother has completely blown both of them off whenever asked for help of any kind.
Most recently, the sister informs him that their mom needs a series of b12 shots 4 weeks in a row at roughly the same time and that the brother shut her down. He asked me and I kindly declined. I explain my discomfort because know nothing of her medication or history and legally cannot do anything to help in an emergency.
We agree and move on.
Fast forward to this weekend, my partner asks how I feel about his substance-abusing ex-wife taking the mom. UGH, now I have to intervene because ew. We agreed on a specific time and I got this novel of a thank you text from the sister.
I begrudgingly was kind yet curt.
The next morning while I was working, she texted another novel frantically explaining the Dr office had no openings Mon (my day off) but what other days am I free or could I do Saturday? I responded with “I’m sure you guys will figure it out”.
Two minutes later, she texted me back with the four dates. None of the times are within my aforementioned parameters and ask what is preventing her from doing it on Saturday.
She only responds “Forget it. I’ll figure it out myself.” Good, you have one job!
I ask again why sat is no good explaining I have an entire family of my own with our own issues. She then has the audacity to say she has no idea my family needed me and that I had a nasty attitude and to take it up with my partner.
I’m appalled by the way his siblings squabble but their mom is the only person suffering. I want to help her, but I also want to establish boundaries to eliminate feeling like staff and prevent them from taking advantage of us.”
Another User Comments:
“Yes, may be a little bit ex-wife, but not because she is the ex-wife but because she’s a substance user and I don’t trust her to not drive messed up or steal from his mom. And I did say no to begin with due to my comfort level and I also said no to the schedule outside of my availability.
Haven’t I got a right to be annoyed that I offer an inch but she took a mile even though she has a yard.” Recent-Nothing-4120
Another User Comments:
“I’m confused. So, the mother is living with you (staying there since Sept) but that’s all you’ll allow; you don’t want to drive her anywhere to appointments etc. That’s what it sounds like.
Why wouldn’t you want the ex to take the mother? Doesn’t that mean you wouldn’t have to deal with her? Why instead of making a passive-aggressive remark like “I’m sure you guys will figure it out” instead of simply saying “No”? That’s why the sister said you sounded nasty.
Sounds like you need to have a serious talk with your partner.” stroppo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m confused it sounds like she was only able to schedule appointments on days you were working, including on Saturdays. After saying she’d handle the medical stuff as her contribution since MIL lives with you guys, is that right?
Why could she not take her on Saturday, or even your husband? If you’re working at all of the available times for appointments, then someone else needs to take her, and if neither of them works Saturday there’s no reason they can’t do it.
Very odd. Idk but you’re NTJ I think, should probably sit down and discuss a plan long term here so that everyone knows what’s expected of them.” Fun-Rip-4502
10. AITJ For Being Upset That My Parents Ruined My Birthday Surprise?
“Some background context. My parents, but especially my mom, have a history of ruining my birthday. Breaking promises, starting arguments, you name it. I have come to dread it each year because of this.
As my birthday is this Saturday I was wondering what this year’s birthday-ruining event would be, and sure enough today was the day.
Some relevant context. My brother’s band has a gig on Saturday, and everyone in our family is attending. My best friend asked me if I was doing anything for my birthday, and I mentioned that in the evening this is what I was doing, so he asked if I wanted to meet up in the day to grab some food and do some good old day drinking.
No one else had asked me if I wanted to do anything, so I agreed.
Skip to today. My mom mentioned that if I wanted to stay out in the evening after the gig I would have to find my way home. I said that was fine because I’d be taking a train into the city anyway to see my best friend.
After all, he was the only one who asked me if I wanted to do something on my birthday. (I will admit, I was hinting that I wanted my family to tell me they wanted to spend time with me on my birthday.)
My dad says to me “You wanted a new laptop, didn’t you?” I have been saying for ages that I need to get myself a new one because mine is falling apart, but I’m currently saving for a big move abroad so I haven’t replaced it yet.
The screen falls out. How this thing still turns on is anyone’s guess, but I digress. I say “Yes, but what does that have to do with what I said?” He says “We were going to take you to get one for your birthday.” My mom quickly butts in and says “It was supposed to be a surprise.”
What I don’t understand is that my parents decided to straight up tell me what they had planned instead of saying something like “We have something planned, but it’s a surprise” to waylay my feeling of my birthday being forgotten. They chose to twist the knife in my side by telling me and implying that I’m ungrateful for saying no one else asked me to do anything on my birthday… Even though they didn’t?
AITJ for not having a clue and being upset about this whole scenario or am I an ungrateful brat?”
9. AITJ For Not Wanting To Take A Long Car Trip With My Newborn To Pick Up My Husband's Daughter?
“So little back story: me (34f) and DH(33m) have been together 7 years, married nearly 3. We are a blended family with my two kids, his two kids, and our 3-month-old baby.
DH is a HGV driver and I am on maternity leave. His ex and kids live about 1.5 hours away if no traffic.
DH has a ticket to go to Truck Fest next weekend with work. He wants to take his older daughter (11F) with him and she’s happy to go.
The problem is that he will be working the Friday and then needs to clean his lorry cab ready to take up to the festival. He would then have to drive to get his daughter so they can go together and the group of them would be leaving at about 5 am or something like that.
His mum won’t help with the pick up and his ex refuses to.
My question is about me doing the journey. I don’t want to do it with the baby. Normally I would go do it before the baby but she is only 3 months old.
I have to take my kids to their dads that evening anyway so it would be at least 4 hours in the car.
She is exclusively breastfed and feeds around every 2 hours during the day with the odd 2-3 hour gap. During the day would be better but would have to be after school/ early evening.
This is also our baby’s grumpy part of the day where she cries more and just wants mummy cuddles and b**b. I’ve said I would do it if his ex would meet me halfway but she doesn’t want to.
I just can’t bring myself to put our baby in the car seat for that length of time (there isn’t anywhere to stop and get her out to feed and stretch out on the route).
If DH does the pick up he would get less sleep before having to do the 2-3 hour drive to the festival in the morning.
WIBTJ to stick to my instincts and say sorry but no? Again I would do it and have done it many times before even when they lived even further away so he could do other things.
But I know long car journeys are no good for young babies and she will want to feed and to be out of the seat so will probably have to be left to cry until she wears herself out to sleep for most of the journey.”
Another User Comments:
“Definitely NTJ. If he wants to take his faraway daughter to Truck Fest, he needs to get his act together and organize his life in a way that allows him to do so. This is absurd. You’re not going to put an infant through a ridiculously long car trip.
Come on.” ironchef8000
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! I was under the impression (because my kid is much older now and things change as we learn more) that it isn’t recommended for babies to be in a car seat for anywhere near that long – and I’d go out on a limb to say that stopping off for a quick feed isn’t enough of a break.
Not only that, but this is something HE wants to do (regardless of who’s kid is who’s) and therefore if he wants to make it happen he’s gotta put in the legwork, not just sell his kid a plan and expect everyone else to execute the actual work to make it happen.” pandora840
Another User Comments:
“NTJ The baby has specific NEEDS that can’t be adequately met putting so many hours in the car. This truckfest might be fun, but the date and distance just don’t work. Fwiw, May is a month that is gangbusters scheduling-wise with student testing, games, prom, community events, etc” Peskypoints
8. AITJ For Wanting My Daughter To Have My Last Name Instead Of My Husband's Unfortunate Surname?
“So I (F31) have been with my partner (M30) for 10 years, married for 3. I kept my last name when we got married, and he has no plans to change his. We have a baby girl due in August, but we’ve recently run into a problem with his parents about the naming of our child.
Now my partner’s family name is quite unfortunate. Because of this, we agreed together that our children would take my family name to prevent bullying in school and throughout their youth. I felt even stronger about this when I found out we were having a girl – growing up a girl is a pretty rough experience anyway, and I and so many of my friends experienced harassment from young men growing up even without an unfortunate surname.
It sucks but it’s reality, and I want to minimize my daughter’s experience of this as much as possible.
We have recently broken this news to my partner’s parents and they are very upset about it. For context, he is their only child and they had to try for over 10 years to have him.
They are a small family and his parents only have sisters who took their partners’ names. This means that my partner is the only chance to carry on their family name and they’re upset that we’re taking that chance away and effectively ending the family name.
Although it was a mutual decision between my partner and me, they are particularly upset with me because I have three younger brothers who could have kids and carry on my family name, and yet I “feel the need” to “take” theirs away.
We’ve tried explaining the reasons but they think I’m being overdramatic.
They were insulted that I could compare their last name to a dirty word and they said my partner “never had any issues” when he was young. Indeed, he didn’t experience that much harassment in school (aside from occasional mild bullying) but he is a male, and like I said the word relates a lot more to a female, and also girls are so much more likely to be harassed by boys than vice versa.
I know that teenage boys can be cruel, so I just want to give my daughter and any future kids the best chance at minimizing harassment. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Bullying is something that can have very tangible circumstances in a person’s life, while whether other people share the same family name has 0 impact on one’s life.
Also given that your daughter is very likely to hate the name, she’s 100% giving her partner’s name to her children if she decides to have any, if she’s not changing her surname herself. So realistically even if you caved, your partner’s family name would still die out, and you’d just have a daughter who will have to deal with more crap than otherwise.” Friendly-Buyer-9563
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I can see your in-laws’ POV, but if your daughter gets married and takes her partner’s name, it’ll die with her anyway. They haven’t thought this through. You and your partner have made a decision, which was yours to make. His folks might not like it, but they have to accept it.
Don’t let them bully you.” ChazzyB31
7. AITJ For Kicking Out My Baby's Father For Insisting On Bringing His TV To The Hospital?
“I (19F) just had a baby 1 day ago. His father (21M) and I have not been together since November due to him being unfaithful. He’s had a couple of other partners since then and is still with one of them currently, but he still did go to most of my appointments with me.
2 days ago when I went into labor I called him, he came to pick me up to bring me to the hospital and he had his entire TV and PlayStation in the backseat, with no car seat for the baby. I told him he is not bringing that to the hospital and he told me if I want him to be there for our son’s birth he needs something to do to pass the time.
We argued about it almost the entire ride to the hospital, but he ended up not bringing it in.
I was only in labor for about 2 hours before I gave birth, he was there the entire time. A couple of hours after I gave birth, my dad and sister came to visit and he left as the hospital has a 2 visitor-only rule.
I told him while they’re here visiting he to go bring his TV back home and install the car seat so when they discharge us we will be all set. After a few hours, my family leaves, and I text him to tell him he is welcome to come back if he would like.
Around 20 minutes later he walked back into my room, carrying his TV. We start arguing about how I already told him he does not have that in my room and he starts yelling at me saying that I don’t make the rules and that I should be grateful that he wants to be there for our son but instead I’m trying to make him miserable.
I told him he could either bring the TV back to his car or he could leave, he said he had a right to spend time with his son.
I called my nurse into the room and told her I wanted him to leave, so they ended up kicking him out.
He yelled at me the entire time he was leaving saying that I was kicking him out of his son’s life and that he would be going to court for custody. He has texted me since saying that I’m taking his rights away from him and there are no rules that he can’t bring his own TV and game system while he spends time at the hospital.
AITJ for making him choose between the TV or leaving?”
Another User Comments:
“Nope, NTJ. If he wants to be involved with your son, he needs to pay attention to your son. A hospital is a place of quiet. Playing video games is generally not a quiet pastime.
Contact an attorney to set up custody and child support agreements. In my state, Oregon, all I had to do was contact the District attorney’s office. Their child support enforcement group will work with you to get everything done.” Fearless_Ad1685
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
It’s mind-boggling that anyone would think it’s okay to turn a delivery room into their gaming station instead of being present for such a monumental time. Good riddance and good luck with all the legal stuff. Holding firm on your boundaries now sets the stage for the future, and it’s clear your top priority is the well-being of your child.
Stick to your guns, and make sure all this is well-documented for any future custody discussions.” Lakita_Blish
Another User Comments:
“I cannot believe that he brought the entire set up to the hospital room – did he think he was going to sit there like it’s his loungeroom and play games?
Sets the precedent for how ‘present’ he will be in your child’s life, doesn’t it? I hope he takes that to his lawyer – ‘I showed up at the hospital with my gaming set up and was told to leave. No, I didn’t bring a baby seat as requested to take my child home.
There was no room coz I took my tv and it took up all the space. Yeah, but I’m mad that I don’t get to spend time with my child…’ Good luck buddy.” Lishyjune
6. AITJ For Wanting To Get My Sister The Birthday Cake She Requested, Despite Dad's Disapproval?
“I (17f) have an older sister (21f) who had a birthday recently.
She’s not big on celebrating it due to an event that occurred when she was a kid on that same day, and it’s been tainted for her ever since I think.
Last year was the first time I can remember her asking for anything for her birthday in years, and literally, all she said she wanted was a small heart-shaped chocolate cake with lavender-colored frosting and purple flowers on it.
Our dad got her an ice cream cake instead and ended up forgetting to bring it into the house so it melted into a pile of mush. He was apologetic about it, and she said it was fine, but I could tell that she was disappointed and I felt bad that she didn’t get the one thing she asked for.
She didn’t ask again for anything this year, but I decided that I wanted her to have the cake she asked for last year but didn’t get it. I talked to our dad about getting her a cake again, specifically the one she’d wanted, and he agreed to order it so I figured it was a done deal.
Well on the night before her birthday, my dad pulled out a plain white sheet cake (the discounted undecorated kind) he bought from the grocery store. It wasn’t my birthday, and she said that she was fine with the sheet cake, but I was kind of irritated since my dad agreed with me when I said we should get her the cake she had wanted before.
I mentioned it to him but he said it was just a cake, and she was fine with the one he got her.
I snooped through her social media and there’s this local bakery she follows that makes cakes similar to the one she was asking for.
I called and got a quote for a cake, and they said they could have it ready within a few days.
I don’t want to one-up my dad by getting my sister this cake, and I know that she said she was happy with the cake she got, but I just want her to have the thing she asked for and I feel like he dropped the ball with this.
I also feel like I’m kind of overthinking this but I don’t want my dad to feel like I’m slighting him or something either. Idk I just wanna know if it would be a jerk move to get a cake for my sister.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ your sister will love the cake that she asked for. You could give it to her in private. You could surprise them both with it, your dad doesn’t see the difference even though she had an exact request. Your dad has let her down twice even with you trying to tell him it was important.
If your sis follows bakeries the specific cake is important to her. Your sister is lucky to have you. This will be an amazing memory to make up for the letdowns.” Tired-unicorn-82
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Of course, she’s saying it doesn’t matter. But it does.
And your father is being the jerk because he doesn’t care. It’s not important to him, so he’s ignoring her wishes. He’s being selfish, to say the least. Good on you for stepping up and doing what your father should have done all along. Your sister will remember this.
It’s past time that new, happy memories be created so she can leave behind the bad memories associated with her birthday. So make a big deal out of it every year from now on.” GirlWriter1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – if you want to spare Dad’s feelings, just keep it between you and your sister!
She’s not big on celebrations anyway, and I assume she wouldn’t enjoy an enormous fight breaking out on her behalf, either. So, start a new tradition. Just you and Sis, eating a gorgeous, delicious cake together by candlelight with just forks- no plates!! It sounds like she deserves to know her little sister listens to her and loves her enough to deliver.
Good luck!” EdithVinger
5. AITJ For Not Wanting My Ex-Husband's Pregnant Mistress Around My Daughters?
“So for a bit of background.. me 26f and my ex husband 28m split up in June and got divorced in December of last year, after finding out that he had been unfaithful with my best friend 28f.
She had been going through a divorce herself and I didn’t think that they would stoop so low, but it happened and I found out on the day of our youngest daughter’s birthday..
However, she would gaslight me into thinking I was imagining things and telling me she would never want to be in a relationship with him while telling him they needed to go look at houses together while I was in the same room as them(I was getting the rest of my belongings).
They started their relationship within a week of me moving out… During the months from June to December, both of them were incredibly nasty towards me and threatened to take away my daughters 9f and 3f because I’m unstable because of my depression.
I found out that she was pregnant after they had been together for 5 months, and then they split up because she attacked my ex-husband in front of the children.
Although she claimed she was certain my ex was the father there was a time in which she wasn’t sure and wanted to raise the baby on her own.
But about a month ago she got back in touch with my ex-husband and they have become close again…
So where the issue comes in is I don’t want her around my children as she has often told them that she will be their new mommy because she is pregnant with their baby sister and that daddy loves her more than he loved mommy and she will be a better mommy for them when they get married…
She has also had my children lie to me when they are spending weekends at their dad’s place by telling them to tell me she wasn’t there and that I will lose my temper with them if they told me she was ( I’ve always assured my daughters that I won’t be angry with them if they tell me the truth in regards to that and that my ex and his baby mama is in the wrong)
I don’t want that woman around my children regardless of her being pregnant with their half-sister yet my ex-husband thinks I’m being unfair towards her because she has “changed”
Am I the jerk for not wanting her around my daughters?”
Another User Comments:
“You being a jerk is irrelevant.
But yeah, if you knew this woman was trouble from the start, you kind of ARE the jerk for letting it get this far without any legal representation. This is beyond the internet’s pay grade. You need a lawyer YESTERDAY, to set up a custody arrangement between you and your ex.
Not sure why you didn’t get an order against her MONTHS ago when she attacked your ex in front of the children. Seems like that would have been the perfect time to bring custody back to the courts. Curious why you waited so long.” Susannah-Mio
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – but as always stated, this is above the internet’s pay grade! Lawyer up! But the reality is, if he has custody, what he does during that time is out of your control… until you have a restraining order or something to that effect to keep her away from your children.
Either way, it sounds like it’s going to get messy. It’s horrible they’re telling your kids to lie!!” iceawk
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Your instincts as a mother are spot on, this woman sounds unstable. Gather all the evidence you can and take it to court.
If you have the ability, get your children into therapy so they have a safe space to talk about what is going on at the other household. I would record all communication between your ex and his baby mama. It will likely take a lot more than what you have mentioned for the courts to do anything if she is present at your ex’s house, but you need to start documenting as much as possible so that when she does cross a major line, you can show a pattern of behavior.” minimalist_coach
4. AITJ For Not Wanting To Drive My Wife To Work Anymore?
“I bought a house in December which meant moving my wife and I 1hr away. We bought it because the apartment we were living in was being sold, and we received a termination of our contract.
We relocated to a big town, with two major cities one hour away, good public transportation, and car sharing if needed.
She has struggled to find a job in her career area because, of visa issues, and her qualifications from another country not recognized here, but she found something to get her foot in the door. However, it’s a half hour away in the countryside with no public transportation or car sharing and she does not drive.
I have been dropping her up and back for 2.5 months already, on terrible country roads, which is 2 hours out of my day. I’m racking up the mileage on my car which I bought brand new back when I was 27.
Luckily for me, I work in a hybrid job and I’m only expected to be in my office once a week.
My commute to work is 2hrs. 1.5hr by train, 30 min walk. So on the days, I am in the office, I do two commutes, hers and then mine, making it a 3hr commute in total, which also makes me 1.5 hours late for work, so I stay back to make up the time, meaning I’m not home until 8:30 pm.
I informed my boss about my current circumstances and luckily he understands and is flexible, so I only go in when I am needed. On the days I’m in the office, I drop my wife off to work in the morning, but she gets a taxi home which costs her €100 which is a lot for her because she is on minimum wage.
She is learning to drive now and has done two lessons. But now she needs a car. We bought one for her, a stick, but she wants an automatic to make the lessons and learning quicker. We sold the car, and she saved the funds for an upgrade.
But the only way I can see her getting a car is if I apply for a loan (she only has 2.5 months of work, so banks won’t loan her).
I’m in the process of doing this right now for an automatic car. But there is so much tension in the relationship right now, that I’m unsure about even doing that.
I know it would help me in the short term. I can’t keep doing this. My routine is all over the place, but I don’t want to leave her out either. It’s a double-edged sword.
I woke up three times this week crying at how stressful this is.
We aren’t managing to save funds due to our circumstances too. It’s double the gas, she still can’t afford to pay many bills and help me out financially, so everything is dwindling.
I can’t keep driving her to work. I want it to stop, I need it to stop, AITJ if I refuse to drive her?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but it doesn’t matter what any of us say if your wife does not find a more optimal job for your situation. It costs more for you to drive her, or someone else to drive her, than for her to learn to drive herself.
It sounds like there are options closer to your home, it’s a shame there isn’t one she is interested in. Has she checked with any coworkers to see if they’d be willing to carpool? It just doesn’t make sense the way things are going now.” Caramel9941
Another User Comments:
“YTJ Refuses to drive her, and she will have to give up her job. YOU were the jerk who caused that – YOU bought a house somewhere at the bottom of the world. OF COURSE that will incur more effort or higher transportation costs.
What else did you expect? These are the consequences of YOUR failure to think before buying that house.” Excellent-Count4009
Another User Comments:
“Everyone’s a jerk here. Based on your comments you had 5 months to prepare. You didn’t. You say it costs over $2k to start driving there and you couldn’t afford that with buying a house. Why didn’t you teach her how to drive? Your teaching doesn’t cost anything. You seem to be full of excuse after excuse. You made these decisions together. Now you get to live with them until you’re able to change things, like buying her a car.” ApprehensiveBook4214
3. AITJ For Not Giving Up My Desk To My Dad?
“I (17f) have recently been studying for longer hours into the night due to more tests/exams as well as uni applications soon. My desk is in my room which I share with my much younger sister and she gets disturbed if I leave the lights on too late at night (I usually study until 1 am and she goes to bed at 11 pm).
Due to this, I shifted to my dad’s desk in another room where I could leave the lights on for as long as I needed without disturbing anyone. My dad rarely uses his desk, maybe <2 hours a day at max. I still use my desk whenever I can but since it was bought when I was in middle school, my parents at that time bought it only to be big enough to accommodate my stuff for 13-year-old me (I had more subjects, more notebooks, more textbooks back then which obv took up more space).
Now that I have fewer subjects, I don’t need much stuff with me when I’m studying: my laptop, my headphones, a notebook or two, and as little as a few pens and 1-2 highlighters. I also clean up/organize my mess of studying when I’m done and put my things neatly because my dad uses his desk in the mornings so it’s clean for him to use.
Now here comes the issue: He’s been claiming that I’ve “taken over” his table (he was the one who offered I use his table to make it easier for me) and that “everything is a mess” even after I neatly put everything away. He’s now suggesting I clear out my old desk within the weekend and give it up to him, which is impossible since I have a lot of older resources/material that my sister can start using soon (she can’t keep them anywhere either since her desk is also running out of space and may have to start using the dining table soon) as well as a lot of my books which I read in my free time.
I told him it was physically impossible to clear everything out within a day since we had nowhere to put my things and also told him that I’d only be using his desk for another week or so (basically until this set of exams ends).
I’ve tried using my old desk but either only my laptop fits or my notebook fits which makes it harder for me to balance everything and study. So, AITJ for not giving up my desk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You only use his desk for late-night study sessions to not disturb your sister with the light, and it’s clear that you’re not taking over his space, since the majority of your stuff is still at your old desk.
Though your dad is being a bit extreme about this (especially with you only needing another week), people can be funny about maintaining the sanctity of their personal spaces, even if the guest is being respectful and not infringing on their time in the space as you’re doing.
Question: are you leaving your notebook, laptop, pen, and highlighter on the desk whenever you’re done studying? Or even anywhere near it? If yes, even knowing how little stuff you’re using and your dad having the space on his desk to keep them without interfering with his work at all, I’d move them after you’re done.
That can contribute a lot to that feeling of the sanctity of his space and make this last week go by peacefully. If not, well, your dad is being a jerk, but he has the right to his space and to revoke your permission to use it.
Bring a desk lamp, use the dining table, and keep the peace. It’s only one more week.” TheMagnificentPrim
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your father said you could use his desk not that his desk was now yours. He still needs to use it and it’s not your place to comment on whether he uses it for 5 minutes or 5 hours.
If you can’t clean out your desk, then move your father’s desk back to the room where it was and use your desk.” RocknRight
2. AITJ For Reporting My Professor After She Told My Brother About My Mental Health Breakdown?
“I (20F) am a first-year college student and I have been struggling with college lately. I feel burnt out and I’ve struggled with my mental health as a result. I have an older brother (41M), yes there’s a significant age gap between us. I recently found out my brother knows one of my professors as they worked together and they remain good friends.
A few weeks ago, I had a really bad day at college and it led me to breaking down before the end of the day. This resulted in me being referred to the mental health team. My brother called me and told me he knew about my breakdown in college and wanted to make sure I was alright.
I know he comes from a caring side but I was really upset, I feel my privacy was violated. This breakdown happened in my professor’s office whose a good friend of my brothers, and only she witnessed it. I don’t know if I need to say this or not but my parents are listed as my next of kin and not my brother, I would have understood if she went to my parents about this.
I contacted my parents to see if the college contacted them, and they said no but they heard about my breakdown as my brother called them and told them.
This professor is a professor I looked up to and admired, I could go to her about anything, I could talk to her about anything and I always felt safe and respected around her.
All of that is now gone. I trusted her and I felt she had violated my trust and privacy. Again, I know my brother, parents, and professors are concerned about me and my mental health, however, as my brother isn’t my NOK if she needed to contact anyone she should contact my parents as they’re my NOK.
I found out my brother knew because they met up outside of her work hours and she spoke about me to my brother. This has led me to file a complaint against the professor and I only recently submitted the complaint, they just started the formal process for dealing with the complaints.
The professor is a well-liked professor, she’s good at her job and I won’t deny that, but it’s led to students ganging up on me, calling me all sorts of names, and berating me for doing it. Even some professors seem to be treating me differently.
Was I in the wrong regarding making a complaint which could lead me to being a complete jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. I’m assuming that what the teacher did was against the rules in your country or college, otherwise, what would be the point of reporting her?
Even then, I wouldn’t have reported her, but I wouldn’t go as far as saying YTJ for doing so, as long as your motivation is protecting your rights and not causing harm maliciously. What I don’t understand about the scenario is, why is your complaint public knowledge.
Because it seems self-defeating that you would do this to protect your privacy and instead what you accomplish is that everyone knows about it.” farseer4
Another User Comments:
“This is hard. She wants to help you. I think she should have encouraged you to talk to your family first. Professors see so many people in college fall into dire circumstances and when really bad things happen, the family asks why didn’t someone tell them.
I don’t know what the school’s protocol is on this, but I guess you are about to find out. I can understand you are upset, but recognize she did this out of concern. Good luck. No jerks here.” Accomplished_Two1611
Another User Comments:
“YTJ to yourself here, you mention how great and well-liked this professor is and you think complaining will do you any favors?
You’re in your FIRST year of college, so you have a while to go but now you have to worry about other professors who aren’t/won’t think you’re the jerk. Your professor called your brother because she already has a relationship with him, you’re not a minor and she isn’t bound by HIPAA and whether she violated FERPA I’m not sure.
But you are bringing more trouble on yourself all because a professor you “looked up and admired, could go to and talk to her about everything” showed that she cared personally for you.” RoyIbex
1. AITJ For Not Inviting My Parents To My Wedding?
“I (22F) got married to Matt (22M) last weekend. We met at university, the same course, and we’ve been inseparable ever since.
He’s my best friend and the best partner one could ask for. We both live with my parents or rather they live with us since my dad got an opportunity to work in our city and they have not been able to rent somewhere yet.
Matt’s family are quite well off so bought him a big 3-bed flat in our city when he started university which I moved into when we got serious and now my parents moved into the spare room which we used as a workout space.
When I was a kid, my parents seemed largely disinterested in me. Over time, I stopped telling them about my life hoping they’d become invested as I grew up but it never really happened and our relationship was what it was. I guess I’ve carried that sentiment into adulthood too – they don’t know anything more than my job title and that I’m in a serious relationship.
They’ve never once offered to take us to dinner or try to get to know Matt which I don’t expect them to but it would be nice.
When it came to the wedding weekend, we invited our friends my older siblings (I have 2 older sisters), and Matt’s family.
I’m very close to them, basically a daughter they never had. I get invited to their family trips all the time and I’m in their group chat. It was only an intimate wedding, Matt’s parents hosted the ceremony and we all went out after for dinner and drinks to celebrate.
Both of us didn’t want anything too extravagant and were more than happy with this. We had dinner at the restaurant we dined at for our 1st anniversary. We told my parents that the flat was theirs for the weekend because we were going out to eat and celebrate with friends and staying in a hotel.
I did not mention our wedding at all. I wanted them to ask more if they wanted to but they didn’t.
Come today, I put up a framed photo of everyone in our wedding attire on the wall in the living room along with some other photos.
My parents saw, asked, and flipped and told me I should have said something. I wasn’t in the mood and told them they never asked. My mum told me I should have said something and they would have come but I just repeated myself and walked away.
I’m now getting texts from my older sisters that Mum is upset she missed out on watching me get married and I should apologize. Am I a jerk for this?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ… It’s your wedding and you can invite whoever you want.
But this is super weird. You live with them and left for the weekend and never mentioned it. Then you put up a picture so they would know they had been excluded. This would be super strange behavior from a random roommate. Toward your parents?
I can’t imagine… This relationship is not healthy. I understand why your folks are upset. But in the long view, it’s their fault. They haven’t been there for you. Nevertheless, the dynamic here is unhealthy. You’re young still, and it sounds like you have every right to feel hurt.
I suggest you encourage your folks to live elsewhere as soon as it’s feasible. Then, I suggest you get therapy if you can afford it. It sounds like there’s a lot wrapped up in this and it won’t all be sorted out on here.
All the best to you, and congrats on your marriage, regardless of the conflict it might have generated.” JacqueOffAllTrades
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You are free to invite whomever you please to your wedding, but what makes you the jerk is your passive-aggressive “you never asked”.
How do you expect them to ask about something you never told them about? I don’t go around randomly asking people “Are you getting married this weekend?” If you didn’t want them there, that’s fine, but don’t play games and then act like it’s their fault they didn’t know about it.” WaywardMarauder
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