People Try To Test Our Judgment With Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
20. AITJ For Calling Out How My Husband Parents My Kids?
“I (f36) lost my late husband years ago, I’m now married to my husband of 2 years ‘Jason’. He loves his stepkids (9-6) and does a lot of things with them.
However, he started doing something lately that I find weird and acceptable. Whenever one or both kids do something wrong, instead of giving out proper punishment (that we both agreed upon) he’d grab a photo of my late husband and start addressing it complaining about the kid’s behaviors while the kids stand and listen, he then proceeds to tell them their dad is mad at them and is disappointed they did this or that.
I’m aware of the psychological impact this type of ‘discipline’ can have on them. The kids would sometimes feel so guilty they’d start crying and then ask if dad is really disappointed in them cause their stepdad told them he told him that.
I told him to knock it off several times and last night I blew up on him after I found out he told my daughter that her dad ‘said’ he’d disown her if she did x thing again.
I told him he was going too far and is causing huge damage to the kids and tainting their memory of their deceased father. He was like ‘this way they’ll learn, and if they really love their dad, then they’ll behave’ I said, ‘Listen!
The kids love and will always love their dad and what you’re doing is causing damage to their love and remembrance for their dad’. He said I was overreacting but I argued that I already warned him.
He said something about him being a parent too and that I have to respect his parenting and stop trying to act like the cool parent and step up instead. He then went outside and stayed gone for hours.
My sister said I’m being unfair to my husband and that he clearly cares about the kids otherwise he wouldn’t care about them correcting and never repeating their mistakes.
AITJ for my reaction?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, and honest, I’m not usually given to hyperbole, but this is so sick, twisted, and shockingly abusive that I’m going to go so far as to say that with the parenting arguments aside, he shouldn’t even be allowed to be alone with your children, at least until this is resolved, and possibly not EVER AGAIN given that he doesn’t seem to understand how messed up this is (or doesn’t care), and you need to get them into therapy YESTERDAY.
He’s not parenting your children, he’s traumatizing them. Repeatedly and deliberately.
First of all, he is using their father as a proxy to avoid taking responsibility as a parent himself, blaming their dad for every ‘mean’ and the difficult thing he has to do as a stepfather, for every punishment, every negative association, etc. It’s ironic (though unsurprising) that he went straight for the ‘stop trying to be a cool parent’ argument with you because that’s exactly what he’s doing.
He’s trying to make your kids see their late father as the ‘bad guy’ so that Jason himself can feel like ‘the good guy’. He’s telling himself and the kids, ‘Oh, I’m not the one who is disappointed in you or making you feel guilty… that’s your late father.’ It’s his way of avoiding emotional responsibility for anything.
The thing is, that would be gross enough – his using a proxy to avoid taking responsibility as a parent – if he were doing what most jerks do and blaming you, his co-parent.
But he’s not. He’s being creepy and twisted and trying to use his authority as a parental figure to usurp the voice of your late husband in the minds of your very vulnerable, impressionable young kids.
And then he’s using that vulnerability and association to create feelings of guilt and shame that are now linked inextricably to their desire to remember their dad positively, and a fear that they are somehow letting him down… and that since only Jason ‘speaks for him’, the longer this goes on, the more they will spiral, feeling like they are losing their dad over and over again because there is no one to reassure them that none of this is true, that they aren’t somehow hurting their late father the way he claims. Jesus wept, the damage he is doing could wreck their mental health for years.
You don’t have to ‘respect his parenting’ because THIS ISN’T PARENTING. IT’S PSYCHOLOGICAL AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE. And the fact that he is berating you to get on board, and suggesting that you are ‘trying to be the cool parent’ when you demand that he stops speaks to either a serious personality disorder or a fundamental lack of understanding of how serious what he’s doing is.
Either way, he is not a safe person around children. Period. You are NTJ, but you will be if you EVER leave him alone with your kids again, and you don’t get them help to undo the damage as soon as possible.” FoolMe1nceShameOnU
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Your husband for the sick, manipulation he’s pulling on your kids, and you for not kicking him to the curb the first time he did that. Those kids are going to have serious mental health repercussions later in life (and probably right now) for as long as what he’s doing continues.
My husband lost his dad shortly after his first birthday. My MIL was using (she’s been sober since 2011) as was the man she was seeing when my husband was 7 to his early teens.
This man would literally tell my husband horrible things about his deceased dad (along the lines of what your husband is telling your kids), and many other things (he was glad his husband’s dad was dead, etc).
The reason? He hated my husband’s late father as my MIL would bring him up and also cause my husband looked like his late dad.
It still affects my husband to this day as sometimes he’ll ask me if his dad loved him.
Do your kids and yourself a favor and kick his butt out.” Anxiteaismylife0224
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I agree with the people saying that this is worth separating over.
It’s completely awful that he is doing this.
If you had confronted him about it and he’d said ‘you’re right. I’m so sorry this has become I habit when I punish the kids. I’ll stop immediately and let’s do some family therapy to sort it out,’ then you could have worked with him to resolve it.
Instead, he defended his actions, minimized the harm done by accusing you of overreacting and made it clear that he will do it again.
Let me repeat that. He. Will. Do. This. Again.
He made it clear he has no intention to change when he told you to ‘respect his parenting.’
Your sister is completely wrong. No one who cared about someone would do this.
It’s horrific.
You could buy yourself a large, loud horn. Label it ‘Jerk alert,’ and explain to the kids that every time you see their stepfather lying about their late father, you will loudly sound the horn to drown it out.
Or do the right thing for your kids and leave or kick him out.” Red_Claudia
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. I was going with NTJ at first but then realized you are continuing to let this happen to your kids and I’m literally burning up thinking about this nonsense.
He sucks for obvious reasons and is a huge jerk But u suck so much more honestly because as these kids’ mother you need to do whatever you have to, to protect them, and you’re not.
Like you said this is going to emotionally damage these babies and possibly make them hate their father until they get older and realize w*f this sick man was doing and they’re going to hate you for letting this happen to them.
Please get them out of this immediately because unfortunately, he has already shown you he isn’t going to stop.” Wooden-Dish-7146
19. AITJ For Wanting To Admit My Grandma Into A Nursing Home?
“My grandmother (GM) was kicked out of my aunt’s house. She caused so many marital problems, my uncle threatened to divorce my aunt if she didn’t.
She lived for a few years in a nursing home before 2020 but during the health crisis, there were tons of nursing home deaths so my aunt and mom got her out. I’m the oldest of my mother’s children so I got so much pressure to take care of my grandma during the health crisis.
I didn’t mind too much initially because the deal was I didn’t pay rent and lived with her to cook, clean, and help her with her diabetes. I don’t know my GM well so I thought it might be a good bonding experience and I worked remotely so it would be so bad.
Well, the first problem came when I told them I was bringing my dog. My GM freaked out telling me she would never let a filthy animal in her house. It was the one dealbreaker I had and I told my aunt or mom Oliver (my dog) had to come with but they never told my GM for fear of her reaction.
I put my foot down saying if he isn’t coming I’m not either and I guess my GM gave up because she didn’t want to go back to the nursing home but she made Oliver’s life miserable.
She would scream at him every time she was near him and I tried to keep them separate but she would demand I abandon him because she was my GM. In the end, I had no choice but to leave him with my friend temporarily because she was so unbearable.
Next was washing clothing. She demanded I wash all her clothing by hand and she had a washing machine but she would scream ‘you’re lazy!’ at me if she catches me using it.
She also wanted restaurant-quality meals and throw sandwiches and cereal on the ground if she didn’t like them.
Finally, she didn’t believe I worked because I work online (I’m an accountant) and she would yell at me during the middle of the meeting for ignoring her when I told her I needed 30 min of peace to attend a meeting.
My boss told me many times to get her to stop doing that but she never listens.
She has diabetes that isn’t managed well and I tried to get her on a healthy diet but she screams and yells at me when she doesn’t get what foods she wants which causes huge sugar fluctuations causing her ulcers on her feet to get worse and weep.
It was hard to get appointments with the doctor so I had to clean them and I am not qualified. When I persisted through the yelling and screaming about her ulcers to make her eat healthy, her ulcers would get much better and start healing but in the end I gave up and let her eat anything she wanted so she would shut up but it made her b***d sugars worse and her ulcers worse which I had to deal with.
So after almost 2 years of misery, I got out and moved back to my original city. My GM is so mad because she expected me to stay there looking after her until she passes.
I told my mom and aunt I wasn’t doing that and they begged me to guilt me for the fact she was going to die alone at a nursing home. I feel like a terrible person because I didn’t feel any guilt I just didn’t care after dealing with her for 2 years.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Frankly, you deserve all the flowers and awards for putting up with that nonsense for 2 years.
I know it’s hard for some folks to be strict with boundaries when it comes to our elders however your grandmother sounds like an absolute nightmare.
Her own children don’t want her in their homes because of how chaotic and cruel she seems to be.
Frankly, the only people who would be able to truly take care of her would be folks in a nursing home.
Because they’re less likely to be bullied by her and she would have to have a regulated diet because of her medical conditions.
Please do not feel guilty for putting your own mental health and well-being as a priority.
You are not required to be abused verbally and emotionally by your grandmother simply because she’s your grandmother.
There is a reason why your mother more than likely kept her away from you guys as kids.
What could have been an amazing bonding experience your grandma has ruined by being the same hateful and mean person.” notthamomma79
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re a better person than most and dealt with that waaaaay longer than most people would’ve, myself included. Look at it this way: your GM is an awful person, and you are simply prioritizing your mental health over her ‘comfort’.
Not even her-sending her to a nursing home isn’t a bad thing, and you are not qualified (as you said) to manage her ailments, so this is better for her.
Your GM got herself where she’s at now, and that’s not on you whatsoever.
I also do NOT understand when a diabetic will not take care of themselves (my husband lost his father for the same reason). Perhaps I shouldn’t be saying that as someone who isn’t diabetic though, I apologize.
But this is not on you at all. Go live your life and get your fluffy companion back.” torrentialwx
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mental health matters.
Sometimes dementia can affect people like this.
She might have a touch of it, or is starting to get it. Dementia isn’t always forgetting stuff, sometimes it can be really irrational behavior, mood swings, cruelty, and being really inconsiderate (basically, they act like a toddler).
If she won’t listen to you, won’t follow instructions, won’t follow her diet, and you aren’t trained on treating her ulcers… it’s very simple. You CAN’T take care of her. Not because you’re bad or selfish or cruel, but because you aren’t CAPABLE of taking care of her.
She needs professional help.
It’s not your fault, and it’s also not anywhere close to being your responsibility. This is for your mom and aunt to figure out. She is THEIR mother, not yours.
You’ll have to deal with your own mom’s stuff someday, but today is not that day.
You went above and beyond for two whole years. You have done WAY more than your fair share here.
Don’t feel guilty for stopping – you should feel REALLY proud that you did as much as you did. You’re a saint.” bettytomatoes
18. AITJ For Babysitting Only One Of My Nephews?
“My brother passed away 4 years ago. While he was still alive, he fathered two boys from different mothers Nick 11m and Fred 10m. Nick is the son my brother had with his former wife Hannah while Fred is the son of Jacky, Hannah’s maid of honor and my brother’s mistress with whom he had an affair while Hannah was staying at the hospital for months after complications in labor.
Needless to say, I don’t like Jacky, be it because of her previous actions or the fact she kept harassing Hannah during family events later on. It doesn’t help that she completely spoils Fred while refusing to discipline him causing him to become a brat who throws tamper tantrums whenever.
My brother was not a good man but he was an amazing father to both boys and had 50/50 custody of both of them which obviously stopped after his death. Hannah works as a nurse and during the health crisis, she had to work overtime almost every day and didn’t have anyone who could babysit Nick since my brother was gone so I stepped up.
I’m a single man in my 30s and I work mostly from home so I had the time and resources to properly take care of Nick while Hannah was at work. This arrangement has been going on since the beginning of 2020 so around 3 years now.
Recently Jacky caught wind of the arrangement and is now demanding I babysit Fred as well since he needs a positive male role model in his life. I feel like that’s really not my responsibility and kept refusing.
Jacky’s work schedule is way more lenient than Hannah’s and she has a lot of different family members who can babysit Fred while Hannah who grew up in the system has no one.
Besides, as I stated previously I don’t like Jacky so I don’t see a reason to go out of my way and do her favors, due to her parenting, Fred is a difficult child to manage and will often hit, scream and bite if he doesn’t get his way and as someone who works from home, I really can’t have that around.
Some family members got involved and are saying I’m dividing the two boys by only giving attention to one of them. I feel like that’s untrue because 1) What I’m doing is strictly a favor to Hannah and 2) Jacky already turned the boys against each other a long time ago by alienating Nick in any family event and often referring to Fred as my brother’s favorite son in front of him.
But maybe I’m missing something so AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As you said, Jacky has a family who can take care of her son when she’s at work. It’s also unreasonable for her to expect you to babysit just because you’re babysitting Hannah’s son, regardless of the fact they’re brothers.
Fred’s behavioral issues are a big deal. Personally, I wouldn’t want to take care of a child who’s prone to physical violence when they don’t get what they want, and having him around could cause fights between the brothers that could be a hindrance to you getting your work done.
You don’t owe Jacky that.” cranberyy_tarot
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. While I don’t think you should alienate Fred cause it’s not his fault your brother was a liar, I definitely don’t think Jacky is entitled to your help.
You’re helping Hannah (and Nick, but mostly Hannah). Like you’ve said, Jacky is an awful person and she just wants her son to have the same privilege as his half-brother.
You have completely valid reasons for not wanting to take care of Fred.
Jacky’s schedule is flexible and she can be with Fred.
Even if it weren’t, she has friends and family she can rely on to help out.
Fred is not a well-behaved child and will not listen to you.
You are allowed your boundaries with kids and kids who push your boundaries do not get the privilege of being around you.
So please don’t cave into your brother’s evil mistress. Take care.” heyyahri
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I wouldn’t babysit any child who hits/bites/screams no matter the relation to me. Especially if I’m WFH too, I’m not playing UFC referee when I’m meant to be working and putting my job in jeopardy.
You don’t owe anyone babysitting, you’re doing Hannah a favor as she is a nurse and has been working mad, crazy hours through the health crisis and has no other child care and actually like her as a person.
Jacky has plenty of other options and a more lenient schedule with work.
Jacky seems to think it’s a competition to get everyone to choose Fred first and Nick second, especially given Jacky’s previous attempts to alienate Nick in favor of Fred.
Any family members who disagree are more than welcome to take Fred. I’m sure there are other male members of your family and hers who can provide a good role model for him, but it’s not going to be you.” HunterDangerous1366
17. AITJ For Telling My Wife Not To Leave Our Children With Her Parents?
“My wife and I have been together for 8 years, married for 5 and we have two daughters.
It doesn’t really matter but given the situation of things, the 6 y/o is biologically mine while the 10 y/o is not. The two often spend Friday to Sunday at their grandparents’ house.
I’ve noticed our 10 y/o for a few weeks has been quiet upon picking them up, she wouldn’t tell me what was wrong though.
This afternoon she was emotional when she got in my truck, I could tell she had been crying.
We were heading to Walmart before going home, and I wasn’t going to force her into the store upset. Finally, after some prying, she told me her grandmother is being rude to her.
She explained how she is forbidding her of any treats, making comments about her body. She’s only allowed vegetables and chicken. But gives the 6 y/o whatever she wants while saying to the 10 y/o, ‘When you lose weight, you can enjoy these things in moderation.’
This morning the grandparents brought in donuts. 10 y/o snuck one and went to their room. Grandmother walked in to find her shoving it behind the bed after taking a bite. She flipped her lid on her for sneaking food and making a mess.
I was so livid, that I left the kids in the truck, called her from the parking lot, and ripped into her. I will admit that I was mad and aggressive with my tone and words.
Grandmother’s only response was she has to take matters into her own hands because I as the ‘stepfather’ do not care about her granddaughter’s health.
My daughter seemed relieved in the sense she got it off her chest and I told her to ignore her grandmother because that was very inappropriate behavior.
We went into the store to get our groceries and feeling bad, I bought each daughter a gift just because and to take the 10 y/o’s mind off things.
When we got home, my wife was very upset about how I spoke to her mother.
I told her what she did, she saw the girl’s toys I bought. My wife says, ‘You know regardless of how you feel about what my mom did, I can’t believe you rewarded bad behavior because she (10 y/o) did disobey my mom’s rule about only eating healthy foods while at her house.’ Ummm… what?
What she did was traumatizing to our child.
I told my wife no more unsupervised overnight stays at their house. My wife said that was totally unreasonable and I needed to apologize to her mother for my ‘explosive’ behavior over the phone.
I’m man enough to apologize for my tone, but not the plan of action to protect the child.
ETA: My kid isn’t obese. She put on a little weight by Christmas/late winter.
The pediatrician in February did not make note of it.
A few people brought this up, yes I absolutely think my MIL has resentment against the bio father. The kid might be getting punished for that and/or MIL has horrible issues.
She’s going to despise me next for standing up to her.
More things have come to light, I don’t feel the need to apologize now. And at this point, I strongly feel the girls need to go no contact with grandma.
I’ll let gramps visit if he wants, but can’t be at their house.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’d be livid, too. Your MIL should consider herself lucky that she’s allowed to see your kids at all.
As for the ‘only healthy foods at grandma’s house’ rule—uhhhhh, why is Grandma bringing donuts into the house??!!
What your MIL is doing is teaching the 6-year-old that she can eat whatever she wants, while simultaneously giving the 10-year-old an eating disorder.
I would put your older daughter in therapy right away to help her through what she’s been experiencing at Grandma’s house—it will have already caused behaviors that show up outside of that environment.
Your wife should have your daughter’s back in this… maybe she should go to therapy, too, so she can understand why her own mother’s actions are so horrible and damaging.
Finally, good on you for being there for your stepdaughter!
Now she knows she can trust you, and hopefully, she will come to you if another uncomfortable situation arises. Sadly, now she knows that she can’t expect her mother to have a compassionate response if her grandmother is mean again, and that’s a terrible blow to a mother-daughter relationship.” gollumwasrobbed
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Her grandmother is absolutely atrocious! To tell a 10-year-old her body shape is wrong somehow is despicable. I’m not sure how your wife can’t see that unless her mother has her so brainwashed that it’s become ‘normal’ to her.
A 10-year-old should not be worried about weight and diet. That’s one way to force an eating disorder on the child.
Anything in moderation along with being healthy and active (I don’t know any 10-year-olds that aren’t.
My son eats more than me and looks like a beanpole) should always be okay. And on top of that, treating the six-year-old as better. Withholding treats. I’m tearing up. Your poor daughter.
And the fact she didn’t want to bother you with it all the other times until grandma exploded at her for sneaking food. She must have been holding in a lot of big emotions.
You are definitely NTJ, grandma is though!” nudul
Another User Comments:
“This is one of the worst things I’ve read here in a while. I AM LIVID. Who tells a 10-YEAR-OLD that they can only eat vegetables and chicken until they lose weight?
And then gives sweets to their sister AND BRINGS DOUGHNUTS INTO THE HOME? I bet the grandma bought those doughnuts just so she could say ‘I know you would like a doughnut. Look at what you can have if only you lose weight.’ Just set the kid up for failure and make them feel bad about themselves.
How manipulative!
And God no, no grandparent is ‘flipping their lid’ on MY child. Discipline and punishment are up to me and my husband only.
Thank you for standing up for your daughters.
Both of your girls are SO lucky to have you as a father. You showed that you care about them and their self-worth over anything superficial. You also showed your 10-yr-old that the label of ‘step’-daughter doesn’t mean anything to you; she is your child.
I’m so sad that your wife is not backing you up. Your wife should have told her mother that her rules were harmful and not acceptable. Why didn’t your wife call out her mother for bringing sweets into the house if she has this ‘only healthy foods’ rule?
If her mother was truly concerned about ‘only healthy foods’, then there are lots of tasty, low-calorie ‘sweet-like’ breakfasts that she could have made for both of your children. Bringing doughnuts home for breakfast was a deliberate choice meant to prove a point and cause harm.
Also – many 10-year-olds are still pudgy naturally. If they are allowed to eat normally and get exercise by playing as kids do, for most kids, their weight will start to stabilize as they get taller and grow into their bodies.
As long as they are not obese and you are giving them lots of healthy food (with sweets in moderation and without judgment), you don’t worry about a 10-year-old’s weight! My middle son was a little pudgy at 10 and now he’s a 6’3″ beanpole.” Miserable-Arm-6797
16. AITJ For Telling My Father He's Never Been A Parent To Me?
“I (M16) have had a very strained relationship with my father for most of my life.
For background information, my mother and father split up when I was about 2 years old, they got joint custody over me and I mainly lived with my mom while visiting my father every other weekend.
I was by no means the best kid but no kid is, I am a picky eater and I always have been the same with being overweight, and my father at every chance he would get basically mocked me for it despite not being the thinnest guy himself.
For example, when I would sometimes visit him for a weekend, he would make me watch ‘My 600lbs life’ with stepmother #4 (yes I’ve had 4 stepmothers within the last 14 years) and they would say ‘we don’t want you to end up like this’ pointing at the severely obese people on the screen.
He has also abused me both physically and mentally.
The most recent fight of many came around in February 2022. I had just gotten my report card from my first semester and I did okay-ish, I got an A, 2 Cs, and a D which meant I passed and got my course credits, but that’s not what my father wanted to talk to my mother about, no. He wanted to talk to her about how ‘mY JoB Is a hInDRaNcE To sChOoL’ which it isn’t, I work 15 hours a week so 5 hours over the span of three days, I work the weekends and Tuesday nights, so not really that much but I don’t mind.
My father then goes on to question my mother’s morals as a parent basically saying that she is unfit, which she isn’t, my mother has been on my side my whole life from dealing with bullies to helping me find a job (she has done a lot more for me but if I write it all down it would take days to read) so him questioning her as a parent ROYALLY annoys me.
He then later went on to text me that he was ‘worried about me’ and I went off. I said to him that he doesn’t need to worry about my grades at least, what he does need to worry about is if he wants a relationship with his son, and that he has rarely ever actually been there for me, and that he shouldn’t question my mother as a parent when he’s barely one himself.
He didn’t reply.
A few hours later I get texts from stepmother #4 saying how I hurt him and that I went too far and that I am only saying those things because my mother has ‘brainwashed me’ into hating my father which I said that I don’t hate him, what I hate is his attitude towards me and my family and that if he wants, he can have a relationship with me only if he fixes his attitude.
She called me a jerk and stopped replying. This would be a good time to mention that both of them are textbook narcissists and my father has an anti-social personality disorder and my grandmother, his mother passed away a few months prior.
Whereas I do feel bad for what I said, I do think I’m in the right, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – don’t feel bad. truth hurts. They just don’t like being called out on it.
No one is perfect, you just keep doing you. You don’t have to respond to them at all. Some people are losers who get their rocks off making other ppl feel small. Don’t give them that rope.
Just don’t respond.
It won’t be long before you won’t have to deal with them at all. You’re not obligated to engage with toxic people just because they’re related to you.” SuperSassyPantz
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, although you did lash out a bit. I feel your father is a complete jerk. I’m sorry you have a strained relationship with him and he does all that stuff to you.
I would recommend talking to your mother about it.” westharp
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. What you have described is abuse, and you should never spend time with him again. If you have not told your Mom about what happened over the visits to your dad’s you need to do so.
Ask to see a therapist. It will be easier to recover from this trauma with professional help.” ButterflyMain5024
15. AITJ For Being Frustrated The My Best Friend Isn't Coming To My Graduation?
“I (21f) am graduating college next week!
Today my best friend (21f) told me she won’t be attending.
Previously we had discussed plans for that weekend, she took time off work as soon as we found out my graduation date, and she even planned a brunch for just us the day after!
We were in the same college program for about a year. She dropped out right before 2020 started. She wasn’t happy with where she was and wanted to try different things rather than get a degree with no real interest in the field.
I fully supported her in this. However, the recent crisis restricted her ability to try different areas to find her niche.
Earlier today she told me she wasn’t coming to my graduation or any dinners/parties related to it.
She said it made her feel bad for not graduating and that I was shoving my success in her face. I was shocked by this because 2 days before, she was talking about how cute the brunch was going to be.
I told her later that I respected her decision and wouldn’t hold it against her. She’s snapped at me like this before about different things, but this one by far hurt the most.
I’ve tried to be mindful of that this whole semester – I didn’t really mention when I landed my first post-grad job because she’d been looking for a new job and I didn’t want her to feel upset about it.
I’ve been supportive of every decision she’s made, I’ve celebrated every success and milestone with her, and I’ve helped with job applications, resumes, and mock interviews. I really just wanted her to be there to celebrate and I’m very sad she won’t be.
I’m just extremely saddened by this- she tells me all the time she’s glad she didn’t stay in the program because she doesn’t want the career I currently have.
I’m upset I’m gonna have to pretend I didn’t just check off a major milestone in my life.
I posted about this in another subreddit and was told to grow up.
I know I can be a bit dramatic but am I the jerk for feeling this way?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
First of all, congrats on graduating!
I can understand why you’re disappointed, it’s the sort of thing you want to celebrate with friends.
And particularly as this seems to be a very sudden turnaround on her part, it would be different if she raised it earlier. Your response sounds like both an honest and a kind one.
Having said that, maybe she’s been anxious about this for a while and finally felt that it would be too much. She likely doesn’t mean it to hurt you, it sounds like there’s more going on than what she has said.
But it’s not fair of her to insist that you shouldn’t talk about it at all. She’s trying to project how she feels onto you, it’s not fair of her to pull you down on what is an exciting occasion for you.” naynay2908
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Yes, you can be upset. It sounds like you’re being understanding and giving her the space she needs. You can do both. Don’t confront her or express your upset to her—give her time.
I’m sure that in time she’ll regret she didn’t come and celebrate your achievement, and when she does, let her know that you forgive her and understand. Right now she needs to work through her own stuff, and a good friend will understand that, but it’s also understandable for you to feel hurt and sad that she won’t be there.” ImSoTiredReallyIAm
Another User Comments:
“No, NTJ. She’s your best friend and you’ve been there for her through good times and bad times, you’d expect the same from her. She made the conscious decision to not continue the program and has no right to be mad/jealous and lash out at you for graduating and succeeding.
Congratulations OP, and I hope when you celebrate, you’re surrounded by people who love and support you. This is a huge milestone, and you deserve it.” Pandax18
14. AITJ For Not Buying An Expensive Gift For My Niece And Nephews?
“I (35f) am a single disabled woman with four cats. I live on a set income, but am very careful to ensure that my cats are as well taken care of as I can afford.
I vet them, get them neutered, keep them up to date on shots, etc. My cats are like my kids, as I will likely never have any.
I have a sister (30f) who is married with three kids.
Both she and her husband work full time, and I often watch my niece (4f) and nephews (twin 7m) for them at no cost. I also save up to buy the kids some nice presents (such as kids’ 4-wheelers and tablets) for special occasions.
They also have a dog, who was never neutered, and she just had a litter of puppies. When my sister called to tell me, she also told me they didn’t have any puppy food for the mama dog to eat while nursing, so I spent my last 30 dollars to send her some puppy food from Chewy.
A few days later, she called me back and asked me when I was going to buy my niece and nephews a playground set that I had been saving up funds to buy for their backyard.
I explained to her that one of my cats had just had a urinary blockage, and I had had to use the funds I saved up for it to get him emergency treatment, antibiotics, and prescription food and that as such I wouldn’t be able to buy the playground set just yet.
At this point, my sister blew up at me, saying that I was being a witch and that I shouldn’t be spending funds set aside for HER kids on my cats. And then she asked why I had bothered to buy puppy food if I couldn’t even afford to keep a promise.
Then she hung up on me, and shortly after posted something on social media ranting about how family never comes through for her, her kids were so looking forward to the new playground set and now they were crying because they wouldn’t get one.
I commented on it that I had already started saving up for it again, but they now would not get it, at all, based on her behavior, and she called me a jerk and blocked me.
So, AITJ? I might be since I promised the kids one and am now breaking my promise.
Edit to add additional info: I feel like there are some misunderstandings, especially about the dog.
The dog was a rescue, she was pregnant when they got her and they didn’t know. This is the first time they have had an animal have babies, and didn’t know momma needed puppy food while nursing.
I educated and sent them enough to last until my sister gets her next check.
I babysit at their house, and because of my disability, I can’t take them to the park. The playground set was also to make babysitting easier on my end.
I never asked for payment for babysitting because I didn’t know I could make so much a month without it being taken from my check. I’m going to find out tomorrow what that amount is.
The large gifts I get them are generally for Christmas/birthdays. This playset was planned for after Easter because that’s how long it would take me to save up. My sister told the kids about it LAST YEAR to ease them into a move to a new house and had to break the news it wasn’t coming which naturally upset the kids.
I have never not come through on something I promised to save for, so she thought it was OK to tell them.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I feel so bad for you.
Your sister has been using you. You’ve been an incredibly generous person, and unfortunately, your sister has taken advantage of that. You had a medical emergency for one of your cats, which comes first over any playground set.
Set your boundaries and keep them.
I feel bad for the kids. Not because they won’t be getting a playground set, but because their parents are teaching them that mooching off of kind people is an acceptable thing to do.
If possible, when you next talk to the kids, try to explain to them the reasons for this. Sometimes in life, things come up and we get disappointed, but just because you don’t get a new thing, that doesn’t mean you as their aunt love them any less.
Kids are usually more receptive and understanding to these things than adults.” CrimsonKnight_004
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You sound like such a great and selfless person. Seriously, you’re a saint. Your sister on the other hand is the exact opposite of you.
She’s a selfish entitled jerk who expects others to take care of her responsibilities. Your cats and their well-being is what’s important here, not a swingset.
You already have gone way above and beyond.
She wants her kids to have a swing set. Then her cheap entitled butt can buy one since they’re her kids, not yours. She is so lucky to have you as a sister and she does not appreciate you one bit.
She’s awful. I’m sorry. Take care of your cats and don’t feel one ounce of guilt because they need you.” ChihuahuaMafia
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you already save them tons by babysitting their kids for free.
IF they want a playset mom and dad should be buying one, not you. The kids and 4 and 7 are old enough to understand that you don’t get everything you want and that sometimes emergencies happen and cause things to be pushed back.
If they truly are crying, then it sounds like they are spoilt and that mom and dad are basically blaming you for spending their (which it isn’t).
Save your funds for yourself and your pets or if you want to put your towards something big like a vacation, or if you want to donate you can find either an organization to support (an afterschool program at the Y or something similar), buy coats for needy kids or homeless, save all year and become a secret Santa.
It’s your money and it sounds like they rely on it too much.” mede04
13. AITJ For Asking My Mom To Delete Her Photo Of Me Sleeping?
“I’m 15 (F) and my mother is 46. In my country, Easter is celebrated today, and my family decided it’s best to celebrate it with my grandparents.
I’m very okay with that, but the trip was about 5 hours long, and we arrived there at 1 AM. I mostly slept through the drive to my grandparent’s house and had no issues.
After we arrived, we all went to sleep, and in the morning I woke up and went to the kitchen to eat breakfast. My mom was browsing her phone when she started talking about the trip and how cute I looked in the pictures.
I was confused and asked her what pictures is she talking about, and she shows me about 5 pictures taken from the front seat of me sleeping in the back seat.
I instantly got creeped out and asked her to please delete them.
She got angry at me and said that I have no right to speak about images that are great memories. I said that it is not okay to take pictures of your kids without their approval, especially when they’re sleeping and have no idea what’s going on.
I feel as if my privacy got violated, and I told her to simply wake me up if she wants a picture of me, and to ask me for permission. She got very angry and told me to go to my room.
I went to my room but decided to not talk to her if she decides to take pictures when I’m most vulnerable. She says they are great memories, I agree, but not this way.
This, to me, is very creepy and makes me uncomfortable.
AITJ for asking her to delete them?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
You don’t have any privacy when you fall asleep in a communal space.
I mean, hopefully, nobody’s going to draw on your face for falling asleep during an all-night car ride as a kid, but your parents taking pics during their all-night ride is fair play.
You know, we have a great social movement aimed at heavy-set, hastily-groomed moms who are ashamed of having their picture taken with their kids. People want moms to allow themselves to be photographed because those mom pictures mean so much, and even more, after Mom is gone.
Maybe we need a parallel movement aimed at getting insecure teenagers to stay in the picture. Even if you’re uncomfortable or even ashamed of the way you look in pictures, the picture may still be an incredibly precious thing to your family.
It would have been nice if she had deleted the pictures when you asked, but I would try not to be too hard on your mom about it. The way you look right now is fleeting and it’s a memory she’s going to cherish until she can’t remember it anymore.” Treefrog_Ninja
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – when you’re grown and she’s no longer alive you’ll be happy to look back at good times. As she will be looking back on them more and more as you grow up, move away, and live your own life.
She’s not plastering them all over Social Media/the internet. Let her have her frozen in time memories without being a brat about it.” Strong_Arm8734
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and I feel really sorry for the kids and niblings of all the commenters in this thread who don’t value the autonomy of anyone under 25.
Once you said you were uncomfortable and asked her to delete them, she should have agreed to do so, or at least discussed it further, not gotten angry and tried to punish you.
You are old enough to decide if you want your picture being taken and sound perfectly reasonable when you say you just want to be awake when she takes them.” mayhemtenner
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. This is normal behavior. There is nothing creepy about what she did.
Now, if she had sneaked into your room to do so, you might have a point. But that’s not the case.
Also, you’re cute thinking we parents need our children’s approval to take their pic.
Actually, if you want the truth, no one actually needs your permission. You lose the right to privacy the moment you step outside of your house.
(Please note that I am not talking about someone following someone taking pics. I’m thinking random park pics or at the store and someone takes a pic.)” Ok-Mode-2038
12. AITJ For Trying To Catch A Baby?
“We were at my niece’s birthday party last night when she saw my BIL’s aunt trying to put her granddaughter down into the carrier.
My mom says it looked like she was losing her grip on the baby, so she stood up and went over to try to help. One of the baby’s parents was dealing with the other baby (they’re twins), and the other was getting their stuff together to leave.
Anyway, my mom reached down to try to help, and all of a sudden the baby’s dad turned to her and did this quiet yelling growling thing, like he wanted to yell, but he didn’t want to cause a huge scene.
But he basically quietly yelled and growled something along the lines of ‘NO! Don’t touch her! That’s MY CHILD!’
I honestly don’t know what he thought my mom was going to do.
Maybe he didn’t realize that his mom was apparently having a problem getting his kid down into the carrier (I didn’t see the part where she was having an issue, so I can’t honestly say whether or not she was).
I just thought it was messed up that he didn’t just say something like ‘I’ve got her, please don’t’, while we were all at a family dinner. According to my sister he’s a little overprotective (my sister’s words) of the twins, but his reaction came across as more than just ‘a little overprotective.’
Anyway, my mom just stood up, came back over and sat down at the table, and asked me what that was about.”
Another User Comments:
“Nah. Sounds to me like he feels self-conscious or someone said something to him about his parenting he was upset over before she approached him.
He may have snapped because he was embarrassed or felt like no one trusted him with his own kids.
Some people feel incredibly judged when they have a baby. He may have just been exhausted and stressed at the time.
Some people feel very insulted when other people act like they can’t handle their kids.” depressivedarling
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
The best reasoning/excuse I can come up with is that the stress of being a new parent to twins just got the better of them at the moment.
Maybe they were exhausted and overreacted. But even if that was a reason, he should have apologized.” naynay2908
Another User Comments:
“An understandable, instinctual, and innocent protective action. NTJ.
Baby dad is hopefully just going through an early, hyper-protective phase with his kids (I know that when my child was 0-3 months I was constantly afraid of, like, breaking him) because he’s going to be miserable and miserable to deal with the longer this goes on.” ocooper08
11. AITJ For Screaming At My Brother?
“I (16f) have a fairly long list of medical issues, many of which have come on recently, so I’m still adjusting to all of them. Because of them, I use a cane, which I’ve become very attached to.
I’m autistic, so that attachment is very strong. As someone who was very independent before I got sick, it’s really helped me feel like myself again. It’s custom-made and lights up (important later).
My family has been great, they do their best to help me out, though it’s very obvious it stresses them. Due to that, I do my best to keep what I need help with to a minimum.
My mom (49f), my brother (14m), and I spent the evening today at my cousin’s 5th birthday party. It was getting late, I was getting tired (chronic fatigue issues) and we were heading off.
I had been on the floor with my cousin so my legs were in poor shape when I stood up. I’d gone to grab my cane from the crouch where I’d left it lying against when I noticed my brother had it.
He held it tight and when I tried to ask for it back, he wouldn’t budge. He instead said he wanted to try walking with it so he got up and left with it, leaving me wobbling.
I get it back 5 minutes later after he’s had his fun, and showed it off to my cousins for whatever reason.
Simply put, I was mad. My cane is like a part of me, I don’t leave the house without it.
So to just have it taken in another person’s home left me in shock. Didn’t say a word, no point ruining a little girl’s birthday for a family issue. As we drive home, my mom starts complaining about ‘how moody I was in the car’ before we get in the front door.
I end up bursting into tears, before promptly being told by my brother that I was overreacting.
I tried telling them that it was like a part of me. I was just a sopping mess honestly, I felt violated. It didn’t get through, and I just kept getting told ‘it was just a stick’, that’s he’s ‘just a boy and that’s what boys do.” I eventually lost the plot, screamed at them both.
Told them to screw themselves. The phone rang, my mom left, and my brother said that I ‘care about the stick more than the family’, I got up and left. I rang my therapist, and she said I was valid in my feelings, but my mom and brother were so set that it was just a stick, that I can’t help but second guess myself.
I know screaming at them was wrong, but was I wrong to get upset about him taking my cane? I don’t know.
I’m a tired 16yr old who just wants honest opinions.
I’m hoping to get them here. So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Have a conversation with your mom and explain the problem. It’s NOT a stick. It’s a medical device that you heavily depend on and need. Your brother doesn’t need to be playing with it at all or moving it away from you.
He doesn’t understand cause he is a kid, but tell them this is a medical device and is NOT to be touched unless to bring it to you. Your brother and your mom are the jerks here, not you.
When you are calm. Talk to them about how violated and helpless you were while he was having his fun after stealing it from you. Tell him to respect your property and to leave your cane alone.
And get your mother to agree and realize it’s a medical device, not a stick.” depressivedarling
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your brother is plenty old enough to understand that your mobility aid is not a toy.
And your mother ought to be teaching that. She clearly doesn’t take your needs seriously enough.
I would try to get at least your mom, and maybe also your brother, into a conversation facilitated by your therapist. This might help make clear that it’s not only about your personal feelings about your belongings (although those are valid) but about the social rules of mobility aids, and how to be inclusive of a family member with a disability.
Because if they can’t respect your needs, you won’t be able to safely socialize with them.” Amiedeslivres
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your brother is acting very immaturely. And maybe having feelings of jealousy.
You sound like you are actually coping with this pretty well OP, but it wouldn’t hurt to look into more community or school resources to help you cope. Especially if your family isn’t always at their best.” Andie787
10. AITJ For Not Telling Them That I Knew They Used To Go Out?
“I (22F) met my partner (23M) when I was in my senior year of high school. He and I started going out a few months after meeting each other since we clicked immediately, and our relationship has been great up to this point.
I met my friend A (23F) in my freshmen year of college, she was my roommate. I won’t go into much detail, but once when my partner came over for the first time, they saw each other.
She started talking to him and I was confused as I didn’t know they had any kind of relationship. She just kept talking and talking to him to the point I pulled him into my room and asked him what that was about.
He told me that she and he dated all from freshmen to junior year of high school. No hard feelings though, he told me I had nothing to worry about as they ended on an ok note and that now he was head over heels for me anyway.
Throughout college, she never told me about their past relationship, and I never asked either. She told me they were just old friends. She would talk about her first love to me a lot.
She told me about how they met in middle school but started talking when they were in high school and how they dated all through freshmen to junior year, she would tell me how she thought that he was the man she was gonna end up marrying.
Me being me would just listen to her as I am a very unconfrontational person. Recently, when she found out about our upcoming wedding, she started ignoring me. Even when we hung out in a group she would always be standoffish with me.
When we hung out two weeks ago, the girls started talking about first loves and she brought up my husband (no name of course). She told me she was heartbroken since he had an upcoming wedding, and that she felt so bad but she wished that his marriage ended on a horrible note so maybe they could have a chance again.
I looked at her and straight up told her ‘wow, such a great friend you are, already wishing failure on my marriage.’ I had had a few drinks and was incredibly blunt at this point.
Everyone in the group knew I knew about their past relationship, but A didn’t. Lots of crying and screaming on her part after that, and she left by herself. She texted me recently that if she had known I knew she wouldn’t have said anything.
She said that now she still felt betrayed as I knew he was her first love and I’m still marrying him, I got called a horrible friend and other things around that line.
I started going out with him before she was my friend, and she never told me about their relationship. She and I were never so close that I would consider leaving my fiancé for her, but now I feel bad because I knew I was going out with her first love (who she still seems to love) and never told her.
I’m a very sensitive person and I let people make me feel bad easily so I don’t know if it’s me being sensitive that’s trying to rationalize why she’s in the right unless she is.
Please tell me, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. And if she is hoping for your marriage to end horribly, she’s a terrible friend. If I found out someone I used to date was secretly wishing my relationship would fail so they could have another chance with me, that would be the end of any possibility of even a friendship with me.
If she loves him she should want him to be happy, not secretly wishing he ends up in an unhappy marriage. When my first love moved in with his new SO, I was happy that he had found someone who made him happy.
I still loved him at the time, but his happiness was more important than my lingering feelings. I would never have wished anything negative toward him for finding love.
She also has no right to be mad at you for not revealing you knew about her past relationship with your fiance.
Did she really think your fiance was keeping that a secret? She should’ve known it was a possibility and she may even have been intentionally talking about him with you hoping that he had told you and that you would break it off with him.” LtTrailer18
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She was being calculated and conniving and not very bright if she really thought he wouldn’t tell you. Possibly delusional as she was fantasizing that he and she would reconnect.
It’s funny to me when ppl underestimate other ppl’s connections, like trash-talking a friend to a mutual friend Just goes to show she doesn’t even have a reference for the kind of openness and honesty you and your fiancé have in your relationship.
I will say that not telling her what you knew shows you didn’t feel very close to her, but that’s your prerogative and probably wise since she lied to you about their history.
Sounds to me like good judgment and boundaries on your part.” ifnotdaythen
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She’s the jerk even more than a jerk. How dare she say to you about hoping your marriage fails.
Tell your fiance. Let him deal with her. Hopefully, he’ll be furious and tell her off. Really nasty. He also should cut her off as a friend and not talk to her again.
Don’t bother talking to her again. Block her everywhere. Your fiance should do the same. Of course, she’ll play the victim. Who cares? Let her… Anyone who believes her isn’t worth your friendship either.
Stay strong. You and your fiance don’t need a toxic spiteful witch in your life.” annette1419
9. AITJ For Telling My Friend To Leave Her Man?
“My (27F) friend (29F) has been in a long, mutually terrible situations with her daughter’s dad (33M) for 5+ years.
They both live together but aren’t necessarily together. I don’t want to get into it much detail but there were many fights and times where the law got involved. Both are equally at fault.
Overall, they’re very incompatible but can not seem to leave each other.
My friendship with her has always been genuine as I’ve always cared for her and her daughter. Over the 5 years, it consisted of driving hours to her city to make sure my friend was safe, always being available to listen to issues they never seem to fix but to just vent out to have a calm chat before the next one.
All arguments end up with them being ‘civil’ again and acting like they didn’t scream and argue prior. I’ve tried as much as I could as a friend to help her leave this cycle.
It’s gotten to the point of our group being mentally drained by their constant arguments, always ruining events, and precious time at all of our friend’s get togethers.
Recently, my SO and I witnessed a screaming match between both of them that lasted for 3 hours.
We told them that it’s getting difficult for us to want to be around them when they are always arguing. Afterward, they stopped but we still kept our distance after that.
Just a few nights ago, each of them called us (30 min apart from both calls) in the middle of another one of their arguments, disregarding how we had already felt after the last one.
I was fed up so I told my friend that both of them need to leave each other and we no longer want to be involved in their situationship nor will we be putting up with their behaviors towards each other until both of them end the situationship for good.
(Coparent maybe) She responded by saying she was going to isolate herself from our group of friends, left our group chats, and has been ignoring my messages. I’m thinking that her actions make my friends feel disposable which is making me think twice about telling her they need to leave each other for good.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – a friend is supposed to help another friend out when they have problems, but the friend is also supposed to help themselves and your friend isn’t doing that.
They are just continuously draining your mental/emotional energy by forcing you to mediate their problems.
Your suggestion of telling her to leave him was probably a little blunt. If you still want to maintain the friendship and care about her, maybe you can look into buying them a session with a couple’s counselor.
Maybe if they get a chance to air out their problems to a professional neutral party, they’ll get some new perspective on how their behavior is affecting themselves and the people around them.
At the very least, I would maybe write her a letter and just explain things, calmly and politely, from your point of view. Tell her you have always tried to be there for her during all these arguments.
But now you’re the one who is having a problem by having to deal with the endless cycle of arguments. You still care about her but no longer have any strength left to deal with these situations.
And you think it’s in everyone’s best interest if they figure out a way to end these fights one way or the other.” merkk
Another User Comments:
“This is gonna hurt, but she is in way too deep in this relationship to the point that she is pushing away loved ones.
She ain’t leaving unless something terrible happens and that’ll give her the reality check.
There is so much you can do as a friend to help out and unfortunately, when it is not enough, you have to care for your own mental health.
It is draining and awful.
NTJ. Hope things get better.” moni_talksstuff
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
When someone is in a toxic relationship and refuses to leave it, they don’t realize that toxicity can spread into other areas of their life, including their friendships.
You don’t owe your friend your mental health or the health of your relationship.” KimChiDiva
8. AITJ For Confronting My Irritating Friend?
“Basically my friend (F17), I’ll call her Mae, lives in this really toxic and borderline abusive home. She took on a lot of her mom’s personality and Mae herself can get really manipulative.
She can get really angry at me when I (F17) forget things, even though she knows that I have ADHD. Constantly needs male validation, and usually leads guys on just so that she can see that she’s wanted. Recently, she said that I wasn’t allowed to talk about my partner around her because she had bad experiences with guys (she broke up with an SO 6 months ago, and that was it).
But yeah, she recently brought that up again and said that it was a joke. It clearly wasn’t because she said it while we were at a party, in front of everyone and it was just awkwardly quiet after.
After she said that, I texted her saying ‘maybe it’s a good idea to talk sometime because there are some irritations that are building up’. I even told her I didn’t want to talk about it today but she kept pushing me and making me say things while I really didn’t want to.
I basically said to her that she needs to listen to us when we explain that we don’t like certain things and maybe ask us if there’s anything we can all do to sort it out.
I made sure to put it nicely but she still managed to twist my words and make herself the victim. She wasn’t listening and said that it would just be better if everyone ignored the whole situation.
To which I replied saying, ‘Mae, it’s not good for us or you if we keep ignoring the issue. People are getting really annoyed. At the moment, they’re still willing to talk it out but if we don’t then you probably won’t get another chance.
And then it’s the end and they will just end up not talking to you anymore. Then she started saying ‘I’ve tried to change but I can’t do anything at all without professional help.’ Mae also self-diagnosed herself with BPD and then said that she couldn’t do anything because of it.
Eventually, I was getting pretty angry and frustrated so I said, ‘Let’s stop talking about it now, otherwise we’ll end up saying things we don’t mean’. Somehow Mae then managed to blame me saying that I backed out when things got hard and saying that I had a load of problems. It really felt like borderline manipulation.
She’s been going around twisting the story saying I told her that all of her friends want to leave her and that I wanted her to immediately change her whole personality.
But I would like to know if I was wrong for saying those things to her.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ: I tell one of my best friends when her mother is coming out of her mouth. She knows it’s toxic, so she appreciates it when I call her out.
I don’t do it publicly, unless it’s that bad, which hasn’t happened in a very long time. We have been friends for 30 years.
Your friend doesn’t sound like a good one.” Alarmed_Anybody425
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I had a friend similar to Mae once who was my best friend for about a decade and it finally came to me to cut contact with her.
You did your best to talk to her in a mature fashion and she didn’t handle it maturely.
It’s better to walk away from this friendship as she’s shown she’s not willing to change and will use DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim and offender) when confronted. She sounds like she has narcissist traits and if she’s not willing to work on herself then there’s nothing you can do to help her further.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It sounds like you gave her some pretty solid advice. If Mae herself says she needs professional help, then she needs professional help.
A slight thing for consideration: don’t tell someone ‘we need to talk’ via text unless you’re ready to talk right then and there.
That sort of message is infamous for causing extreme uncertainty/anxiety for the person who receives it. That’s probably why she pushed you to talk then and there.” Arc_Sodium
7. AITJ For Being Rude To The Gardener?
“My husband decided to hire a gardener.
Today, was the first time they came. I asked my husband to please make sure the gardener knows to not touch certain fun plants that I have LEGALLY growing in the backyard. I peeked outside (sunglasses on) and my plants are GONE.
I went and asked my husband if he told the gardener and he said no I figured he’d know not to touch them. Really upset that months of cultivating were down the drain.
I decided to go outside even if it hurt my head to try and find them in the piles he had going on. I searched all of them and I manage to find one little sprout and replant it but my big plants 2 + feet are all gone.
I decided to go ask the gardener if he happened to know what happened to them.
When I talked to him it was not in an accusatory tone or anything.
Me: Hi I’m so sorry to bother you but I had some plants growing right there and I wanted to know if you know what happened to them.
Gardener: No one told me not to touch them.
Me: Yeah I know my husband was supposed to but he didn’t, it’s not your fault at all. I was just wondering if maybe you threw some stuff out already or anything.
Just so I can attempt to save them and replant?
Gardener: I don’t know the difference between plants so I put them all in the pile.
Me: Okay no worries
Gardener: If you were home when I got here why didn’t you come out and tell me about the plants?
Me: I have a concussion and the light hurts me so I asked him to talk to you?
Gardener: Well, after I’m done I can help you look
Me: No that’s okay it’s totally not your fault was just wondering.
Thank you.
(Was not in the pile it was really big plants and I would have easily seen them but I went ahead and picked them up one by one and moved them into a new pile to make sure when I checked.)
And I went back inside. I was sad and told my husband that my plants were gone and told him about talking to the gardener. My husband was mad at me and said I was the jerk for going out and being rude to the gardener.
That he was one of the cheaper gardeners and I can’t be rude to him. I told him I was not rude, I was polite and just trying to save my plants.
He said I know how you are and get rude to people. I asked him to give me one insistence of this but he couldn’t and just insisted I’m rude to people.
I pointed out to him that I am in a customer service role and know how rude people are to other people and I go out of my way to be nice to people I am interacting with.
He just kept insisting that I was probably rude to the gardener. So, AITJ for asking the gardener about my plants?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your husband was the jerk. Who hires a gardener who doesn’t ‘know the difference between plants’???
It’s pretty obvious why this guy is cheap.
(Reasonably sure he’s actually a landscaper, but regardless – should still know a tiny bit about plants.)” thirdtryisthecharm
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and I think it’s time to consider whether your husband actually instructed the gardener to remove your plants.
Edited to add: it’s really a stretch to believe that any gardener can’t tell the difference between plants. He’s a gardener that’s literally what he does all day.” hyacinthqueen
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I have to ask, where do you have these plants growing? I can’t imagine a gardener pulling plants that were obviously being tended to.
I’m guessing someone took them because they KNEW what they were.
Put a little fence around the area you have them growing in with a silly little sign that says ‘Your Name’s exotic herb garden’.” TheSciFiGuy80
6. AITJ For Texting My Friend's Significant Other About Her Prom Ticket?
“I (M18) am a senior in high school and have been with my partner (F18) for 2.5 years. My partner graduated last yr but did not go to her prom as she had discovered she was pregnant 3 weeks prior to it.
When she came to the conclusion that she would not be going through with the pregnancy, tickets had sold out and she couldn’t find someone to buy from. She still took all the customary photos with her friends and me but did not experience the real thing.
Fast forward to this year. I tell my gf that she can come to my prom to which she finds some comfort. I know it seems silly, but I want her to look back on a good experience.
They had been selling tickets at lunch last week. I have last period lunch so I can only manage to snag one ticket for myself on Thurs when I buy my ticket. I ask around for someone who may have a ticket I could buy and am reminded of my friend (M18) who is taking his junior SO (F17).
He and his SO have only been together for about 1 month. By the time prom rolls around it will be 2 months at most. I offer to pay 3x the price for his ticket because I really want my partner to be able to have the experience she missed out on.
He continually refuses and I remind him why I’m so desperate/why she couldn’t go last year. He says he’s sorry but it’s not his fault that she didn’t go. I remind him how my relationship is more practical than his, having dated my partner for over 2.5 years & us being only 4 months apart in age, while he and his SO have been together only for 1 month, & her being 15 months younger than him.
He got mad & argued that he has liked her for much longer than they have been together & says that even if he didn’t, it’s not my job to determine whose relationship is more important.
I tell him I get why he’s mad but to just be realistic. I also remind him that his SO will have a prom next year that he can go with her to, especially if they are as solid as he claims. He says it’s not about that at all and his SO would have more fun than mine since she’s friends with more seniors than mine is.
I leave annoyed & text his SO later asking if I could buy her ticket after explaining why. She says it’s fine and lets me, but says that since her partner purchased it, I would have to get it from him.
When I ask him for the ticket saying that she let me buy it off her, he gets mad & says that even if she says she’s fine, it’s up to him since he bought it & wants his SO coming, not mine.
He says that his SO is too nice & would, of course, give me her ticket, even for free had I not brought up money.
I tell him it’s none of his business what she does with her ticket & she doesn’t mind to which he stops the conversation.
He hasn’t talked to me since. I plan on having his SO get me the ticket so I can just do the transaction through her. AITJ? I mean he can go with her next year and I’ve been with my partner much longer than he has and his SO even said she doesn’t mind.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. No means no. You don’t have to get it. You don’t have to be able to rationalize it. You don’t have to agree with it. You just have to be able to respect it.
That’s what this comes down to. You’re being disrespectful, and not taking no for an answer. It doesn’t even matter what this was about, the behavior is just totally unacceptable.
You also probably lost your friend, and you totally deserve it. Hope you learn the lesson while you’re young. It’ll save you a lot of pain and those around you a whole lot of annoyance.” CindiCharming
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for several reasons here. You’re not the relationship police. Your lack of planning doesn’t mean it’s someone else’s emergency to make sure your partner has a ticket.
Pretty sure you knew you had a partner when tix went on sale; you should have purchased them then. You procrastinated and this is the result.” Admirable-Frog-3748
Another User Comments:
“You’re a jerk, big time!
Pushy, and just ugh annoying. You don’t get to decide whose relationship is more important and who should and shouldn’t go to prom.
You could ask around your class if someone else might be willing to sell you a spare ticket, but you cannot push anyone to sell you something.” Mikkersvontein
5. AITJ For Not Taking My Partner To An 8 Pool Bar?
“Two friends in common were staying over at our apartment, I’m (male 20 y/o, 5.7) not a tall guy, but I’m robust and I learned how to fight in the streets (Not to make me sound cool or anything got my butt beaten a lot to learn how to fight the way I know), Friend 1 (19 y/o, 5.5) and 2 (18 y/o, 5.8) are skinny and have not been in a fight, SO (19 y/o, 5.7) is also skinny but she is a bit weak (Like, can’t push a table kinda weak).
We live in a state that is known for being dangerous, being the third place in the world with more homicides for the past 6 years. And because of that some bars usually have dangerous people, the kind that if you start a fight, or even bother them even a bit that could be the end of you.
So we were going out for sushi, and in front of the restaurant was an 8 Pool Bar, my SO really wanted to go, but since it was a place with only old men drinking I told her ‘No, it’s not a safe place to be’ (we live in a not so safe state and in the last month there has been an increase in criminal activities).
She insisted ‘We can go, we’re in a group, so it would be okay’ still not convinced, ‘No, it is not a safe place to be’.
She insisted more so I took everyone to an arcade/fun zone where they had a Pool table and paid to play, she was mad we had to pay to play and not going to the 8 Pool Bar, but I didn’t wanna risk our safety, was I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, I mean the good news is you were willing to compromise. Some might argue that just because she’s a small girl, you’re assuming it’s not safe for her somewhere.
But at the same time, it would make you uncomfortable to be there with her. You still got to do the exact same thing she wanted to do. Just not where she wanted to do it.
This is why we compromise. I would just try to better explain to her ‘Hey not trying to be a jerk but I personally would not feel comfortable going in that specific place with you.
Can you meet me in the middle and do the same thing somewhere else?’ It wouldn’t really be fair to force either party into something they’re not comfortable with doing.” Outrageous_Sink_2976
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are street smart and if your experience and gut told you not to go to the bar, then go were absolutely right to protect your group. I would stay away from a rough bar with my SO and friends too because it would suck to get into a confrontation and end up with someone hurt or to have a bad time you knew was going to happen!” RolledOnVirginThighs
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, maybe in a group but those guys won’t care, and it won’t keep them from hitting on a young beautiful female. She needs to be smart and not put herself in danger, just because she is with a group of people her age.
You were smart to not go in there to play pool, if any of those guys pulled out a knife then there is nothing you could do.” Awkward_Joke_5748
4. AITJ For Being Distant With The People In My New Job?
“I (24F) started a new job recently. I work as a dental assistant and I was very excited to start at this new office because the Dr and the staff seemed like very genuinely nice people.
The Dr herself is wonderful and very patient, but the other assistant in the office who is obviously my senior there has a personality I can’t really get used to. She’s nice but she’s kinda really mean.
For example, at my job interview the hygienist there introduced me to the assistant, let’s name her Amy. And the hygienist playfully said, ‘Hey Amy this is Emily, be nice to her we really need her.’ And Amy said, ‘Well we’ll see… if she’s a good worker,’ which I thought was a little rude but fair.
Now, this dental office is a bit different from the one before I was working. It’s a lot more old-fashioned than my previous one so I was having some trouble with some procedures but I am the type to learn quickly.
The assistant Amy has a very thick European accent and I can’t really understand her so there’s that. Also when I try and ask Amy some questions she’s very dismissive kind of rude and it seems like I’m bothering her so it’s kind of inconvenient for me as the other assistant for her to be this way.
I was a bit worried because it seems like everyone in the office really likes Amy. I didn’t like her, but fortunately, the hygienist who introduced me noticed that Amy was being really mean.
The hygienist told me that she had talked to Amy about it and that she should be better from now on but now it just seems a little too late because I am the type of person where first impressions really do matter in terms of how I act around you.
Now I feel really distant and awkward towards Amy and honestly towards the rest of the staff because they all really seem to favor her even the patients are always like ‘I love you, Amy’.
‘Amy you’re the best.’ And not to mention we have two specialists who come in every month and they both only want to work with Amy.
The only Doctor who is open to working with me is the general Doctor who owns the practice which I guess is what really matters.
I am genuinely not jealous of Amy but it makes me feel so left out when everyone acts this way towards her and a certain way towards me. What makes it worse is that the staff goes out every Thursday for drinks.
Only the hygienist seems to invite me and I don’t really feel welcome to these outings. But I don’t want to be that person who never goes out with them. Am I the jerk for being distant towards my new coworkers and if so how can I change my view towards Amy and the rest of them?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You should keep your distance and do your job and go live your life outside it. I have this exact same lady working at my workplace and the truth is this: she sees you as a threat to her position in the workplace (socially and business-wise).
Don’t try and impress her, find some people you like and keep to them. If it persists and it comes to a point where it makes you depressed or not want to work, call her out on it.
She is not your BOSS, she is your colleague, which makes you equal. Don’t let her make you feel like you can’t do your job right! And if it does not work out leave.
I’m quitting this fall and have been honest about why I love my job/workplace except for this one lady and I’m tired of my boss not being able to handle her. Got a better job lined up.
Good luck!” No_Cream7607
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but it could be worth it to push yourself on this. First impressions leave a mark for a reason, but that’s not necessarily a good thing.
Not only might you deprive yourself of positive relationships with people whom you met when they were having a bad week; you invite yourself to be strung along by less-than-good people who are good at managing their initial approach.
It’s important to be able to allow the opinions formed based on first impressions to evolve based on continuing information and interaction.
Don’t do anything that’s going to cause you genuine anxiety or distress, but sometimes a little discomfort can be the necessary catalyst to growth.
Maybe spending time with your coworkers outside of work will allow you to see a different side of them, and they a different side of you. Perhaps that new perspective can lead to a more comfortable working relationship.
Again, you’re not the jerk. You have to manage your own comfort zones to best maintain your own well-being, but consider the possibility that stepping out of this comfort zone might help you to find a more peaceful existence in your workplace, which in turn could foster a healthier work-life balance.” TurtleTheMoon
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Amy sounds like she might have a really dry sense of humor, and sometimes it can be off-putting and hard to gauge if they’re joking or not. So I would give it some time, and just keep doing what you’re doing.
As for going out for drinks with everyone… you don’t have to go out with your coworkers if you don’t want to. You be you. And if they make you feel weird about it, then that might not be the office for you to work in.” Angieks21
3. AITJ For Lying About Fasting?
“I (19F) and my brothers ‘Ahmed’ (21M) and ‘Yusuf’ (26M) are all living rent-free with my parents.
My parents’ extreme religiosity pushed all of us away from religion. This was a point of contention for a while, but now as long as we maintain the illusion of being Muslim kids under their roof, we get away with most things other kids our age do.
Other than that, our house life is nice and my parents take care of chores, give us spending money, etc.
Yusuf has issues with this. He’ll have screaming matches confronting my parents about their beliefs like he’s trying to convert them to atheism or something.
He’ll smirk and announce at dinner about how much he smokes, needlessly provoking them by mentioning binge drinking, partying, etc. Ahmed agrees with me that Yusuf’s approach is stupid so he hides his ‘sins’ more subtly but he has slip-ups too, like walking into the house smelling like smoke.
Overall I tend to do better than my brothers at maintaining peace.
During Ramadan, Muslims fast for thirty days from sunrise to sunset, forgoing water and food. At Eid (feast, festival, holiday), the expectation is that parents reward their kids for celebrating Ramadan with gifts.
Even though I don’t consider myself Muslim, Ramadan remains one of my favorite cultural traditions.
As Yusuf turned into a teen, he and my parents got into many fights over Ramadan and their agreement was that Yusuf can do what he wants but he can’t bring food under their roof.
Yusuf thought that was fair at the time and he’d go out for take-out. Last year and this year, though, he’s been bold. He’s been ordering UberEats to the house, cooking full meals, and leaving his dishes out for hours with half-eaten food until my parents have to wash them.
Ahmed mostly continues to hide his eating, but he makes occasional mistakes. My parents hate it but won’t say anything because they know Yusuf will blow up and they don’t want conflict.
I can’t fully fast simply because of dehydration (I’ve fainted a few times before). Unlike my brothers, though, I’ll still wake up with my parents at 3 am for Suhoor, help them prepare Iftar (the meal eaten by Muslims after sunset during Ramadan), set the table, etc. I just stash away a water bottle in my room and secretly drink.
It’s still hard to focus, but I push through it, and my parents are happy.
The issue came last year when Eid came and my parents rewarded only me for fasting, taking me out to buy a Switch game and clothes.
Their reasoning is that my brothers aren’t celebrating Ramadan, so they shouldn’t get a huge Eid gift (they still got some money). My brothers caught on, and Yusuf got mad, saying I’m the jerk and threatening to tell my parents that I drink water in my room.
Ahmed’s a lil annoyed, but he argues I’m at least putting in more effort so he gets it. I managed to put Yusuf off, but my parents have made comments asking what I want for Eid this year and he’s starting up his threats again.
In my opinion, I’m still mostly celebrating Ramadan, so the Eid gifts make sense. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re only drinking water but still fasting and not sneaking food. Your brothers aren’t even fasting on food.
One sneaks food and the other is openly not following the rules of Ramadan. Yusuf is lucky they don’t kick him out for disrespecting your parents’ beliefs and rules so obnoxiously. Try to hydrate really well up until you have to fast and see if you can make it this year so if Yusuf says something you’re being honest this year.” PuzzleheadedTap4484
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for getting rewarded by lying. Stop being dishonest. If you need to drink water I have no issue with that but at the same time, you should be refusing the gifts.
Why didn’t you? At least your brothers hold to their convictions whether you agree or not.” DeepFudge9235
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Let me get this straight – you do follow the fasting except to drink water?
NTJ. Your brother is angry that your parents are rewarding you but you’re doing everything you’re physically capable of to meet their requests except occasionally drink water to keep yourself from passing out.
While I’ll honestly say I’d be more like Yusuf personality wise in handling this religious extremism, I wouldn’t condemn my sibling for being rewarded just for drinking water. It sounds like there’s a lot of jealousy going on here with your family, but that’s not on you to deal with.
You might want to even just tell your parents about the water as they’ll likely understand.” User
Another User Comments:
“Very light YTJ. It sounds like you’ve made a nice effort to be respectful of your parents in THEIR house, and they sound like reasonable people so just be honest with them about the water.
Your one brother is being incredibly disrespectful of them though and that is very sad to hear.” whiterice2323
2. AITJ For Calling My Cousin A Liar?
“My extended family is very close. Cousins, parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents, and siblings, all get together often and are close.
I have found that my cousin seems to be a pathological liar. She is very open about having other mental health issues, going to therapy, and taking meds. There have been many instances where I have gotten together with my parents and stories just don’t seem to match up or make sense.
One example of this is my cousin when asked by my parents, told them she was taking her mental health meds correctly and they were helping, however, in passing told me that the meds weren’t working and she was instead self-medicating by smoking the ‘green leaf.’
Now on to the real story. Recently my cousin’s birthday is coming up. They were going to have a party but had to move it. I was curious and felt bad, so I asked her why she had to move it.
She replied that she had to make the decision after talking to my parents because my mom’s other brother (not her dad) could not make it to the party. However, when I bumped into my uncle at the gas station (yeah, we’re that close), I asked him what he was up to that day, and he had no idea the party was moved, nor was he doing anything that day.
My parents also did not know the party moved nor did my cousin talk to them. I told my cousin that she should let my parents and uncle know the party was moved because they had no clue, that I didn’t appreciate her lying, and to keep me out of the middle of it.
She responded that she didn’t lie, I just misheard her (however I have some of her responses in text, so I couldn’t have misheard a text) and I ended up just leaving it and not responding.
Well, her brother called me and told me that I just misunderstood what she was saying and that I was a jerk for not accepting that.
So, AITJ?
Edit to add: the reason I wrote about the meds was not to judge her for taking or not taking meds, I also smoke recreationally, it was to show the discrepancies.
She offered this information without me questioning her. She brought it up. This was just one example. There are at least 8 other examples of when information didn’t match up.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
None of what you just said makes her a ‘pathological liar’. Maybe she wasn’t comfortable telling you the reason the party moved but who cares? It’s her party? She could move it for zero reasons and it’s none of your business.
Also, none of your or your parents’ business how she takes her meds. Taking meds for mental health is hard because a lot of the time it takes a while to find what works for you, and the ‘green leaf’ is used medically to treat certain mental health conditions.
Mind your business.” n***********7
Another User Comments:
“Light ‘everyone sucks here’, but only because you’re sort of taking an ‘I know what you’re REALLY up to!’ line of defense instead of just saying ‘hey, just so I can plan properly, can you clarify (blank)?’.
You don’t really need to play cop to her weirdness, but you do need correct info to like, not waste your time.
Either way, the best option is probably to be like ‘sorry I misunderstood you, I’ll be sure to communicate better in the future’ and then keep your distance.
Cause if she was lying, you probably caught her and scared her (which is good lol, and maybe she’ll straighten up a bit). If she wasn’t, maybe it will set the stage for better communication in the future on your end.
Either way, it sounds like this is a hard person to trust, so set your expectations accordingly and keep YOURSELF out of the middle of it.” throwawaybeedd
1. AITJ For Saying My Daughter Is Privileged?
“My 25-year-old daughter is a marketer/photographer and as part of her job, she gets to travel to a lot of places folks dream of going to like Rome or Tokyo or the Bahamas largely free of charge and making good coin for it.
Growing up, she was very wanderlust and lamented about being born in the UK, saying it’s bland to live in and she’d love to travel. Now that she is doing just that, I’ve found in calls, letters, or skype she finds a way to moan about how she wants to go home and blatantly lie about her feelings for her growing up which I find peculiar.
I decided to challenge it since it really does just irritate me when she finds a way to force it into chats. I told her that look, she’s lucky to be able to live the life she has, I didn’t say it was easy but compared to people who work in mines or on farms or as soldiers, she has it incredibly easy and she needs to put her head down and keep going with whatever contract she has and then work to get one that allows her to come home.
I gave her pragmatic and fair advice, but as you probably expect, she didn’t take it well and started fighting with me, saying that I don’t want her, I’m ‘unempathetic’, ignorant, and swearing at me until she hung up.
Struggling to see what I did wrong here. Can anyone fill me in?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
You are ignorant and unempathetic. Give her an ESH if she was swearing at you.
Did you ACTUALLY say this – ‘compared to people who work in mines or on farms or as soldiers, she has it incredibly easy’… That’s a major jerk comment.
I can’t listen to people who speak like this, because they are basically dismissive and unempathetic.
Some people just need to vent. It didn’t sound like she claimed she was being tortured.
As someone who has done a fair amount of traveling, for both work and leisure, it’s EXHAUSTING.
It’s really amazing, but also EXHAUSTING. You don’t have ‘regular hours’, flying, which is always annoying, is triply annoying with the health crisis, and you miss events with your friends (which at 25, can be very important).
Tokyo is immensely difficult and stressful to navigate, even without the health crisis.
Much better advice is ‘Sorry you’re not loving your job, but make the most of the travel as you’re seeing some cool stuff and start job hunting for something better’.” Away_Refuse8493
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Struggling to see what you did wrong? For starters, you told someone what to do when they hadn’t asked for your advice. That’s always a bad move.
Second, you’re telling her that she’s lying about how she feels about her home like you know better than she does how she feels. People often have complicated and sometimes contradictory feelings about where they came from.
That doesn’t make them liars.
Finally, telling someone they are ‘lucky’ to have whatever job they have may have some truth to it, but it discounts the many choices and sacrifices and the hard work they put in to achieve the position they have.
If you don’t want to listen to her, that’s a boundary you can put in place, but the way you talked to her was completely out of line.” YMMV-But
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, wholeheartedly. You’re extremely dismissive towards her emotions honestly, you have no proof of her ‘blatantly lying’ emotions change and waver and so do feelings of homesickness. Your daughter is simply homesick.
Her life may be ‘cushy’ to you but traveling is so exhausting, of course, it has benefits but it also has massive downfalls. Is your daughter actually being able to enjoy and take in the locations she is traveling to?
Work hours are often constrictive. Even in this field.
Her suffering and discomfort aren’t a competition. She’s young. She needs someone to be there for her you’re her mom, you shouldn’t compare like this in any situation.
Let your daughter be homesick.” Organic_Landscape_85
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