People Want To Tell Their Engaging "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
20. AITJ For Applying For The Role My Cousin Wanted?
“Oliver – my cousin – and I are almost the same age and we went to university to study the same thing. The difference was that I started working as an intern halfway through uni and after I got my Bsc, the company offered me a full-time position, which I gladly took and did not go to a master’s program.
Oliver, unlike me, went to get his master’s and started working years after I did.
Oliver always made sure to tell me what a mistake I made by not getting an MSc degree. I will always be paid less than him, no company will give me higher roles, I will get stuck at the bottom of the ladder, etc. He stopped for a little bit after finishing his studies, but recently, he started again stronger than ever.
At Christmas, he told me that now that he has both an MSc and 4 years of work experience, he will overtake me so fast. In his company, he will soon apply (in 1 or 2 years) to a higher role and he knows they wouldn’t hire a person without a master’s degree for that role.
That was when I decided to be petty and apply to Oliver’s company for said role. I got the offer this week and it’s actually even higher pay than I expected it to be. I told Oliver about the offer (without specifying the salary) and he threw a fit.
He called me a petty jerk and told me it was insane that I would go to such lengths out of my ‘inferiority complex’. Our entire family is on his side and now they treat me like a jealous, mean bully.
I mean yes, it was petty.
But nobody said a word when they heard Oliver tell me during family Christmas dinner that I will always be a nobody stuck at the bottom of the corporate ladder. I only wanted to prove him wrong and it was fun testing myself. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He went to great lengths to put you down and you proved him wrong. That he puts you down in front of family and they do not stop it, shows that you are the scapegoat. When you prove to everyone that you have evidence that what he says is nonsense, but they still put you down and make you the bad guy again shows you are well and truly the punching bag in that family.
It may be time to go no contact and amputate the toxic. You may have been driven to be petty, yes, but jealous, inferior, and a bully. No.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Ya know, Oliver’s constant putting you down and insisting that he had so much better job prospects than inferior you – which your family apparently tolerated without comment – set him up for this situation.
How is it petty to apply for a higher position and higher pay in your field? It’s what people do to advance professionally. It’s what you did to advance professionally, not because you have an inferiority complex (what inferiority complex?) but to get a better, higher-paying position.
Were you supposed to refrain from applying for a better job for which you’re qualified because it would hurt Oliver’s feelings and prove him wrong about your relative positions in the professional world? Not on your life.
The one and only reason for you to possibly turn down this career advancement would be if Oliver would be in a position to sabotage you from below within the company.
(Because he’ll try.) Otherwise, go right ahead and take this position and let Oliver follow you around having a hissy fit all the way to the bank where you open a new account for your much larger paycheck.” Nester1953
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
This job was NOT going to stay empty for 1 or 2 years, waiting for Oliver to be ready to take it.
You have a right to advance your career. In 1 or 2 years, I hope you will apply for a more advanced position so that you will still be better paid than Oliver is.
I would fully expect you to tell Oliver that if he wanted the work experience to be able to apply for this position, then maybe he should have skipped the Master’s Degree and gone straight into internships and full employment.
If he mentions your ‘inferiority complex,’ then just tell him that you are the one who is paid more and walk away and that your employment decisions are not made based on what job Oliver currently has, as you have more work experience than he does.
Never pass up better opportunities, as they will affect your earning power years later. Your future employers will look at this job as showing your true worth, and thus you will be considered more valuable in your next position.
Oliver isn’t worth the lifetime earnings sacrifice.
He certainly wouldn’t do that for you.
And your family sucks.” decoratenow
19. AITJ For Not Inviting My Brother's Partner To My Small Wedding?
“My fiancee and I are having a small intimate wedding at an exclusive location. The package we bought, which is pretty expensive but perfect for us, includes the bride & groom, maid of honor, best man, and ten guests. There is a hard limit of ten guests.
To have more than ten we must upgrade to the next tier of the package, which is insanely expensive and not what we want, or pay a fee, which is almost a third of what it would cost to upgrade anyway.
Outside of the maid of honor and best man, our ten guests are: my wife-to-be’s parents and sister, two very close friends of ours, my dad, my three siblings, and my uncle.
My uncle isn’t even bringing his wife. We don’t have another slot for her, and while we get along great, they were not married while I was growing up, so she is not someone who’s important to me to be present at my wedding and she totally gets it, and is fine with it.
My brother has been with his partner for two years, and they might even get engaged soon. My brother wants to bring him to the wedding, but there isn’t a spot.
We’ve been arguing about this for a while now. He says we should either not invite our two close friends (not an option, they are family to us) or my fiancee’s sister because they have a contentious relationship anyway.
Yeah, they have a weird relationship, but it’s her sister and I can’t uninvite her sister. Also, no one else is really going to have a ‘date’ either. No one will be there with their spouses or partners (fiancee’s parents are divorced). He would be the only one.
His argument is that his partner is part of our family, which I agree with, but so is our uncle’s wife. She isn’t coming either and gets it. He says it’s different for them because not inviting his partner feels like a rejection of him and their relationship and identity.
I am sorry it feels that way, but it is what it is. Even my dad asked if we have to invite both close friends. Am I really the jerk if I don’t uninvite someone who means a lot to me in favor of my brother’s partner?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your brother is prioritizing himself over you, your fiancee, and your other invited guests – both friends and relatives – who are not bringing their spouses/significant others. There are only ten spots for guests – and if other guest’s SPOUSES are not invited, and no one has a problem with that, why would he think he gets to shove a guest out to make room for a mere partner – not a spouse, mind you, just a partner.
Immature people always make other people’s celebrations about themselves. Your brother is one of those people.” Apprehensive_Ad_5246
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have a restrictive guest list and it includes, excluding your uncle but assume you are close, only immediate family and your (bride and groom’s) two closest friends.
You don’t at the moment seem to have a close relationship with your brother’s partner so treating him as your uncle’s wife seems sensible. And at the moment, the guest list is balanced in your favor – seems unfair to dominate it even more by excluding the bride’s friends in favor of more of the groom’s family.
I’d put the ball in his court by saying his SO can come if he pays the difference. But you need to recognize he may not come at all. That’s his right.” Timely_Egg_6827
Another User Comments:
“Tell your parents and your brother together: You have 10 guests max, that’s your budget, the end.
There are lots of people that would have been invited to a bigger day – his partner included – but this is a 10-person event and no one gets to tell you who those 10 people should be, or who is more deserving of a spot.
Aunt isn’t coming, she understands, and so excluding his partner has nothing to do with identity or relationship, it has to do with selecting the 10 people closest to you.
Then be very clear, this isn’t up for discussion unless anyone wants to volunteer for the bigger package.
Wait in awkward silence, then conclude with ‘it is bordering on offensive you all telling me that the other people we have invited do not matter as much as someone else, and also questioning my ‘acceptance’ and I am not going to tolerate that. You know I love your partner, just like I love Aunt, and this has gotten to a place where you are intentionally hurting my feelings and it needs to stop.
You can come or not, I would love to have you there, but the conversation is closed.’
NTJ.” mfruitfly
18. WIBTJ If I Don't Allow My Nephew To Bring His Significant Other To My Wedding?
“On the RSVP my fiancé and I put that we’re reserving 5 seats for my brother’s family of 5.
Today we got the RSVP back and my brother crossed the 5 out and put in 6. I asked one of our sisters if she knows who the 6th person might be and she told me it was his son’s (16) SO. We are having a smaller wedding and already did not invite a lot of family because we did not want it to get too big.
I know it’s just one extra person but no one in their family asked if it would be ok. They’re both in high school and our wedding invitation says that it’s an adult-only reception. Obviously, for immediate family, that request isn’t applicable but his SO isn’t immediate family, she was not invited, we don’t know her, and no one asked us if she can come.
So WIBTJ to tell my brother that she cannot come?
Edit: I reached out to my brother. Apparently, he was the one that invited the girl, not my nephew. Basically, he gaslit me and said something along the lines of it being sad that he can’t invite someone to my wedding.
He also said that I did not even ask who it was that he invited. Then proceeded to ask if he and his family were still invited.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your wedding, therefore your choice. Call your brother and let him know that you are sorry but the venue dictates that there be a restricted number and there is only space for him, his wife, and their 3 children for their invite.
You cannot magically make an extra place appear as you have to follow venue rules and you’ve already filled the allowed numbers with the rest of your invitees. You might want to contact the venue (and wedding planner if you have one) and let them know you are telling the family that there is a venue number limit so that if anyone asks someone from the venue about their number limits, they know to answer correctly so that your brother doesn’t throw a snit at your wedding.
You might also ask why they thought it was okay to change the number for them without at least calling you and talking to you about it as she was clearly NOT invited on their invitation (assuming you addressed it to Mr. and Mrs. (Name) and family).” ToriBethATX
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your wedding is not your nephew’s social event. It’s not a party they get to dress up and go out together for. It’s a celebration of the new family you are starting together, not prom night for them to have a fancy dinner date on someone else’s dime.
Say she can’t come. Inform them that they aren’t the only ones who want to bring extra guests, just the only ones entitled enough to assume they can invite some stranger to someone else’s party. And make them sign an attendance contract where they pay $200 for her meal, swear to keep her out of group photos, and if they break up they will pay for her professional removal from any photos she is in should she just ‘turn up’ at the wedding ‘uninvited’.
Your nephew is his parents to deal with. I am guessing that either the boy, his SO, or both, have said they won’t go unless they both go. Or that your brother just doesn’t want to hear his son whining about his SO not being there.
Make him deal.” Natural_Garbage7674
Another User Comments:
“You invited your brother and his family to your wedding. Generally, when issuing invitations, you invite named humans, rather than saying ‘hey, bro – I’ve reserved you five spots’. But apparently, you did not do that. Do you want your brother to leave his family at home and show up to your wedding with four random golfing buddies, or do you actually want his family there?
Your brother then took it upon himself to reply indicating that he was bringing a random additional person. This is the height of rudeness. You don’t just invite extra people to someone else’s party.
If your brother has a genuine reason to want to add to his party (perhaps his son has recently become engaged, and he wished to inform you because you apparently were not aware) then he can call you or write to you and tell you, and then normal social rules would oblige you to invite his son’s fiancee.
But his son is 16 and is neither engaged to his SO nor cohabiting with her.
NTJ.” _mmiggs_
17. AITJ For Giving My Niece Advice About Her Bullies?
“Last year, my (23) brother and SIL moved my niece (14) to a private school since she was getting bullied and she’d gone from an A to an F student.
But even a year in, she was still failing.
I knew what she was going through, I’d had some traumatic experiences with my first boss. And even when I quit, PTSD from that cost me my next job too.
One day she called me upset about it, and I told her I could relate.
My first boss was a terrible ‘bully’ who really hurt and scared me, (understatement but I had to keep it PG), and for years after I quit I’d be as upset as if it had been yesterday. I’d spend my nights wondering if he was right, or if I deserved it somehow.
I asked if that’s how she felt. She said yeah, and she really wanted to know how to make it stop.
I told her that I started seeing him as dead to me. I’d never have to see him again. For all I knew, he might really be dead.
But it did not matter; in my heart, he’s been dead for a long time.
She said she did not know how to do that, they literally aren’t dead. I said that this might sound a little woo-woo but there was an idea my therapist had, that really helped me, burning things that held bad memories.
She wanted to try, and my brother said it was fine with him.
So she put everything that reminded her of the bullies into a box. And if it was online, she sent me a link and I would print it out.
Then one evening, she went through her box at my place, by my fire pit, and we talked a lot about each thing and the memories she needed to get off her chest before she burned it.
Afterward, I read a bit of writing that I’ll share here for context later… ‘Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. All the universe gives us, it takes back in time. You’ve been given the pain you did not deserve, and you’ve been carrying it with you ever since.
It’s time to let go. This box, where you’ve gathered your pain, is but ash now. The wind will scatter it, till no trace is left. Let us lay (bullies’ names) to rest in your heart. Let this be the last their names are spoken if that is your wish.’
That night, she thanked me for it all, and it had obviously been really cathartic. She also asked me if she could keep what I wrote, and I said yeah.
She told a few friends at school about what we did, and the school administration heard and got concerned, some of it got taken out of context.
The school called her mom (my sister-in-law) and she went through her things and found the writing I did, and she called me, literally accusing me of doing witchcraft, which I honestly started laughing at because if I was a witch I wouldn’t be so broke.
She was furious and said I was making jokes when I’d really overstepped not being her parent, and it was totally inappropriate of me to give the advice ‘they’re dead to me’ to a kid about other kids. My brother agreed with her.
AITJ for the advice I gave, and was I overstepping?
Edit: Witches who can do death spells are some fictional Harry Potter-style stuff, they’re not real. No disrespect to people who practice spirituality/Wicca/etc, but that’s not what we’re talking about here, the kind of ‘witchcraft’ my SIL accused me of doing was the ‘Evil hag curses children with death’ sort that only exists in storybooks.
Even if there was such a thing as a real witch who could kill with their mind, I am not one, and I am not trying to be one. I said this as a joke at first, but seriously… If I was a witch, I’d be casting some spells to magic my bills away, not some little kids!”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Umm has no one at the school ever seen the movie Clueless or any of the other million times where people burn things that have bad memories? This isn’t a terribly unique concept. Also, your niece reached out to you for help, and you did your best to support her.
It probably would have been smart to check in with your bro and SIL afterward, but nothing you did endangered her or undermined their parenting. I would have gone with ‘no jerks here’ except SIL accused you of witchcraft so that’s nutters. But assuming you want to maintain a relationship with your niece, I’d try to talk to her parents and know you were coming from a place of love and concern.
I’d tell them in the future you’ll communicate more, but you are concerned she is still suffering from this bullying and ask them what they think is the best way forward to help her because she needs as many people in her corner as possible.” Guilty-Doubt-2662
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I think it’s worth asking them if, before the school got involved, they had noticed that she seemed better. If so, then the problem here is likely that they are embarrassed that the school is disapproving (gonna go out on a limb and guess that it has a religious affiliation?).
In parenting, there are plenty of things that aren’t a big deal at home but can be embarrassing if the school reaches out to you about them.
If they found her mood had improved after talking with you, then maybe ask them if their daughter’s mental health is worth being this upset that the school found out?” pawneesunfish
Another User Comments:
“NTJ whatsoever. What an awesome aunt you are to reach out to your niece with a practice recommended by your therapist that worked for you and seems to have worked for her. What I don’t understand is that your brother agreed to the therapeutic burning ceremony (which has been around since the Salem witches trials, just kidding, but it has been around for ages), and now he’s siding with your SIL?
I think with the backstory going down a rabbit hole, this calls for a sit-down, a deep discussion between you, your brother, and SIL to clear the air about the symbolism of what was written to exorcise the bullies from their daughter’s life as you had done yours.
The very best of luck to you!” P*********t
And your brother needs to grow a pair. He gave permission for his daughter to try your suggestion but then wusses out when his wife has kittens? What a weenie.
I'm so glad your niece has you. Every girl needs a jerk auntie.
16. AITJ For Not Wanting To Have Personal Conversations In Front Of Service Workers?
“When I go out, if I am having a conversation, with my partner especially – (I do this, too, with my friends, but my partner is the person who has the biggest problem with it) – and a waitress or a store employee wanders over to take our order or offer assistance, I STOP TALKING.
It’s no one but the person I am speaking to’s business what my conversation is, and I know employees don’t want to hear it anyway; they’re at work.
If I am having a heated discussion or debate I especially clam up; it’s very rude to argue or have a ‘spirited talk’ in front of unwilling participants in your little dramas.
This is what I was taught.
My partner hates this & says I am intentionally dropping the debate when service personnel enters our sphere because ‘I know I am losing the argument’ or ‘I want to change the subject.’
We were going through the Starbucks drive-thru and for some reason discussing the very private matter of his upcoming inheritance.
As soon as we pulled up to the window, I stopped talking about it.
There was the nice, sunny Starbucks girl, smiling and telling us ‘just a sec’ while she gets our cups, then returning and waiting for payment, and my partner just kept going ON and ON about whether or not his father was going to leave him this or that, and how unfair it all was, extremely loudly.
I was mortified.
I mean, he would not stop.
I finally had to just start saying: ‘Shhh! Shh! Stop this. Please stop! You’re being rude. Not in front of strangers… Ok, ok, I see, but Not. In front. Of strangers. PLEASE lower your voice.’
Well, he got mad and we had a huge blow-up about it on our way home.
AITJ for not wanting to have personal discussions in front of service personnel?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. What your husband is doing is rude. If somebody is serving you – taking your order, ringing up your groceries, whatever it may be – you’re expected to engage with them as much as they’re expected to engage with you.
It’s rude to be on the phone having a conversation while somebody is trying to serve you – this is no different. He couldn’t pause it for two minutes while you were in the drive-through? Wow. You’re not trying to avoid a conversation, you’re just trying to be polite to the people around you.
You pause, engage with the service provider, and then continue the conversation when that interaction is done. To me, this is common sense. You’re not the unreasonable one here.” babywewillbeokay
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Service personnel don’t want to stand around and have to overhear your personal problems and opinions – they want to serve you, make sure payment is rendered, and move on.
Your partner making the Starbucks employee wait while he raved about his inheritance was very rude, inconsiderate, and self-centered. You are completely correct and were clearly brought up to be considerate of others. Your partner seems to think the world revolves solely around him, and everybody has to stop for him.” Apprehensive_Ad_5246
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your partner obviously wants to feel powerful by forcing everyone around him to pay attention to him. When you, rightly, do not engage with service people around, it angers him because he’s not getting the attention of being a big shot.
He’s telling you he looks down on these people. That he accused you of not talking in front of service people because you’re losing, and tells you he wants people to know he was better than you. This is his circus and you aren’t letting him be the ringmaster.
He sounds awful.” wifeofamarriedman
15. AITJ For Not Eating The Food My Mom Made For Me?
“I (30f) have been battling my weight my whole life. It’s gotten worse since 2020 due to thyroid issues, a layoff that led to depression, and severe eating. I was already about 60 pounds overweight. I gained an additional 80/90 over the last two years.
It has become harder for me to function and live. So I saw a doctor about a weight-loss program. I am on a great program that has helped me lose 10 pounds since the new year. It has done a 180 to my eating habits I feel so much better on a daily basis with more energy.
Now the issue. Friday, my mom invited me and my siblings for dinner. I asked ahead of time for the menu so I knew what I could eat and if I needed to bring something else to keep to my diet. My mom said oh no worries they are cutting back too and it’s a healthy meal. (Side note she does know my diet as we have discussed it low carb high protein lean meat no sugar.) Okay, I trust her.
Well, dinner comes and mom serves a salad first. Okay, fine I picked out the croutons doing great so far. The main meal is pork chops cooked in a ready gravy, so packed with sugars and carbs with potatoes, and rolls with cake and ice cream for dessert.
I am looking and can’t eat any of this.
Mom sees me just eating more salad and asks why I am not eating the food she spent hours making. I said you know I am diabetic now with high b***d pressure. I can’t eat any of this you told me you guys were watching your diet too.
She goes ‘well we’re all together for a meal I thought that was a good reason to celebrate and have a little treat. It’s not like one meal will kill you.’ I said this is exactly why I asked for the menu ahead of time so I could plan.
I said this was very disrespectful to do this when she knows how hard I am trying to save my own life! I am only 30 and on diabetic medication and b***d pressure meds and how does she not understand how serious this is and has the gall to guilt me into eating?
My grandma chimes in that diets don’t work forever and I’ll never stick to it forever so I should just enjoy this meal my mother was kind enough to make everyone and say thank you. I said, ‘no this is very serious and my family should be supporting me for trying so hard.’ My grandma called me spoiled and my mom said I was ungrateful for all her effort to make a nice meal. My siblings were on my side saying they want their sister alive and my brother said it was no different than trying to force feed someone food they are allergic to and then getting upset they won’t give themselves a reaction by eating it.
My mom and grandma continued to tell me how awful I was for not eating so I left.
I have since gotten a text from my mom and dad reinforcing how ungrateful I am and that in the future if I make food they won’t eat it so I can see how it feels.
I get I hurt her feelings and possibly wasted food but am I really the jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
They totally lied to you to bully you. Stop attending events or functions where they are in control of the food. Arrive after dinner or leave when it starts.
Make plans with your siblings for holidays or events without involving your parents. They aren’t the social secretaries and you have the power to build traditions and habits without them.
Keep up the great work, OP.” Ilovegifsofjif
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They grew up in a different time where diet meant crash diets that did not work, not lifestyle-changing diets.
It doesn’t excuse their ignorance or their rudeness to you.
They are just rude and ignorant.
It may be best to not go around them whenever it’s a meal/food gathering. And I do know most families only gather around food so it may mean going low contact for a good while.
Unless they want to get educated and change their tune, they won’t respect you.” MsPennyP
Another User Comments:
“Definitely NTJ. You’re trying to take care of your health, under medical guidance, and your family should be supporting your efforts, not sabotaging them.
It sounds like your mom equates food with love, and this has probably been true your whole life.
I am guessing that’s where you learned to eat your feelings in the first place. You’re trying to break the cycle and build healthier habits. Any time a person is trying to break bad family habits like this, there will be major pushback from the family.
Hopefully, your mom will come around when she sees you sticking to it and sees it working. In the meantime, you’ll have to work to stay strong against her pushback. Just keep reminding yourself you’re doing something really good for yourself and you are definitely NTJ.” scarletbe11
Just keep doing what you're doing, take care of you, and you'll do fine. You're a strong woman and a brave one and you've impressed the heck out of me, standing up to your family. It took until I was twice your age to learn how to do that and not cave. Congratulations!
14. AITJ For Not Sitting With My Fiancée During Our Flight?
“My fiancee has a bad fear of flying. Whenever we fly together she takes one of two options: She drinks before the flight so she is tipsy and less scared or she takes the local equivalent of a Xanax which basically means she sleeps most of the flight.
As we are going on a transatlantic flight (11H) she went for option 2 with the hope of sleeping the whole time. We normally always sit together and she holds my hand – I distract her with stories and we watch movies together… but here’s the kicker: I have a business class ticket from work and she booked an economy ticket to join me on the trip.
Her perspective is that I should give up the business class ticket and we should just sit together in economy, whereas my perspective is that it would be a huge waste of money and comfort to do so. Especially since she will likely be sleeping most of the flight I think it wouldn’t make sense for both of us to sit in economy.
Her perspective is that it’s more important for me to sit next to her when she is afraid.
On the outgoing flight, I checked in using business class, sat with her in economy during take-off, and then gave my business class seat to her so she could sleep comfortably during the full flight.
I sat in economy throughout the flight.
We are now about to go on the return flight and as I have an important meeting on Monday I need to be rested and suggested that I use the business class seat this time, checking in on her every hour and using the in-flight wifi so she can reach me if there’s any emergency.
AITJ here for not just giving up the seat? Curious about what other people would do in this situation.
EDIT to clarify some stuff: Yes, this is a business trip for me. We thought we could upgrade my fiancee before the flight at a reduced fare but the prices went through the roof.
We took a holiday after the business trip.
My fiancee would be ok to sit in economy together – she was not ‘just trying to get the business class ticket’. My thinking on the outgoing flight was that she would be able to sleep the whole time in the business class seat, whereas in economy that’s harder with the lack of recline etc.
It’s easy to move back and forth between business and economy. On the outgoing flight, we sat next to each other whenever we were not sleeping and my plan is to do the same now regardless of who sits where. My fiancee would just prefer to sit next to each other all the time.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here
There’s a lot at play here and I think this is a no-win scenario.
You admit that it’s easier to sleep in business (and it 100% is!). So if she was in economy she likely won’t sleep through the plane… which is why she wants you with her.
If she was in economy, she won’t sleep. If she can’t sleep through it, she doesn’t want to be without you.
It is easy to move between business and economy… if you’re the one with the business class ticket. If she has an economy ticket and is feeling nervous she might not be able to go up to your seat.
Also if you’re checking on her every hour, how will you be more rested?
Explain the situation to the flight attendant and hopefully, they will let her move up to business class with you.
Good luck.” DerNibelungenlied
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I think you allowing her to sleep on the flight there in business class was very kind considering it was an 11hr flight.
I think your compromise was reasonable in checking in on her and for you to want the business class seat on the way back. And everyone saying business class isn’t great, on a transatlantic flight, it absolutely is. You have privacy and can lie flat.” SmolSpaces15
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You gave her the seat for the outgoing flight and now want to use it for the return flight. She proved on the outgoing flight that she was fully capable of handling being separated when she had the upgraded seat so her claims of being afraid to fly alone ring hollow.
End of the day, this was a business trip and your SO needs to understand and respect that. Your employer paid for the business class ticket so that you would be well rested and able to perform your job duties.” ElonDiddlesKids
13. AITJ For Telling The Organizer They Had Been Speaking To My Mom This Whole Time?
“When I was in high school, my mom used to send emails from my school account to various teachers and community leaders to try to make sure I was taking every opportunity. I repeatedly told her not to do this, because it was weird, I did not really need her help and I was already doing quite well in school – but she insisted that she was helping me, and kept doing it.
I locked her out of my account twice, but both times was persuaded by her to give her my password again. She is my mom, so what can you do?
Anyways, she eventually writes an email to an organization signing me up to volunteer – I would have gladly done it, but the problem was that I had a Model UN conference that day, so now I had to explain to the organizer who was expecting me to come that I had to cancel last-minute, making me look like a real jerk.
I was pretty upset with my mom for putting me in this spot, but whatever. I told her off about her not even mentioning or asking me whether I was busy before signing me up, but she said that it was my fault for never telling her when my conference was.
I maintained that 1) she never asked, because if she did I would have happily told her, and 2) she shouldn’t have signed me up without my permission or telling me regardless.
I sent an email to the organizer informing them that they had been talking to my mom in the past few emails instead of me and that it was her that had signed me up.
I did not make her look bad – just told them the facts, apologized for making them have to find a replacement so late, and said that if there were any other opportunities for volunteering, I would be in touch.
That made my mom so mad that she refused to talk to me, even without reading the email.
My dad was also pretty mad at me, though not as much as my mom – he said that I had part of the blame to take as well, as I had let my mom have access to my email, so I was kind of asking for it to happen.
Also, he said that she was my mom, and was only trying to help me before I threw her under the bus in the email by blaming her to the organizer. I guess that is true, but would it have been better for me to lie and say that it was my fault and that I had messed up the planning?
I’ve done it before, but this time I just felt so fed up. Maybe I did make the wrong decision, though.
Anyways, I was just wondering what you guys thought about it. Pretty much my entire family is against me here, but was what I did really that bad?
I’ve thought about it a long time, and I really don’t think so – but if I really am the jerk here, please let me know so I can apologize to my mom and change.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If you wanted to keep it open as an opportunity for the future you needed to clear your name.
Also, she deserved to be outed. You asked her to stop previously.
It sounds like a complex relationship that will reveal more pitfalls and control issues as you get into choosing a college. Getting married? Having children? Good to be aware now and early on how to navigate things with her unwillingness to respect boundaries.” Jumpy-Fault-1412
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I’ve no idea how your family can be mad at you for telling the truth, especially when you’d asked her not to do it and she signed you up for something without checking whether you were available first.
How does it adversely affect your mum for the organizer to know it was her they’d been communicating with?
She is an adult and surely it’s better they don’t think badly of a high school kid, especially when it was not your fault?” jjswin
Another User Comments:
“Oh good god NTJ at all. Your mom bullies you into access and your dad is like ‘well you asked for it’ please keep doing what you are doing you sound amazing and tell your helicopter mama that her antics are going to do your future irreparable harm by lying for you and double booking making you look like a flake and you losing future opportunities due to being unreliable.
She earned her walk of shame you did not so she can just******* up because to quote your dad ‘she asked for it.'” Irishviking716
12. AITJ For Going Off At My Dad's Partner For Throwing Away My Contact Lenses?
“My dad (53M) has a significant other. They’re pretty serious, they’ve been together for a couple of months.
My mom (46F) passed away a couple of months ago. My dad, since then, now has a new SO. ‘Tammy’ (48F).
For a while, I felt like a jerk because she hadn’t done anything for me to not like her. My dad and his friends kept getting on me to be nicer, how my mom would want me to like her and to move on, whatever.
I did not even get a bad vibe from her, I just did not like her. But, who boy, did that change. Drastically.
I am 18, I live at home, and I am currently enrolled in college as a full-time student. Anyway, my dad felt compelled to mention to Tammy that my room could be organized (by her.) Weird, but I did not want to say no, at least not in front of my dad.
She then decided to, ‘start the process’ by starting to attempt to rip the posters and pictures off of my wall. She stopped after I told her to.
Then, oh then, came the contacts. I woke up this morning and unbeknownst to me, she came over earlier to help my dad clean our house.
I internally groaned when I woke up and heard her voice, but that’s beside the point. Anyway, I woke up and went to the bathroom to put in my contacts, which are daily pairs, they’re kept in a little storage box on the back of our toilet.
So, I went to grab a pair, and… nothing was there. Not even the box where they came from, which I need to remember my solution when the time comes for ordering more.
I start looking around, in the cabinets, under the sink, and even in the trash can in the bathroom.
Everything was empty. A horrifying thought came over me. I went into the living room and asked them if they had moved my contacts. My dad said no, genuinely. Tammy, on the other hand, looked at me, with zero guilt, and said, ‘oh… so that’s what those were?’
Panic sets in. I find out she ‘accidentally’ threw them out last night. I freak out because I have the worst vision in the world and can’t see clearly 3 feet in front of me without them. So I blow up, to which she responds by saying it was my fault for leaving them out, how if I did not want to lose them, I should’ve put them up.
I paid for those contacts with the money I got from my mom’s life insurance (it wasn’t a lot). If any of you know anything about contacts, you’ll know they’re expensive. I couldn’t afford to go out and buy a new supply.
My dad isn’t talking to me now, because he thinks I am overreacting. He agrees with Tammy and says if I did not want them lost, they should’ve been kept safe. He’s also refusing to buy me a new supply, at her insistence.
I asked if he planned to buy me more to compensate for the loss, to which he did not say anything at first, but to which Tammy said I needed to learn my lesson and some people have to learn the hard way that not everything in life is free, whatever that means.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
First I want to give my condolences about your mom. That happened a couple of months ago you said so understandably you are under a lot of pressure and a lot of feelings. In a short amount of time, your dad has a new SO and instead of giving the both of you time to get to know one another and ease into a relationship, he has allowed for personal boundaries to be crossed!
‘Anyway, my dad felt compelled to mention to Tammy that my room could be organized (by her.)’
So immediately we’re allowing someone else into your private space where you should feel safe. This is a big NO. Unless you were okay working on your room together, she should not be in there disrupting another normalcy.
On to your contacts… maybe I am just naturally untrusting of people’s intentions, but who doesn’t know what a box of contacts looks like? Or to be able to read a box and figure it out. As a person who has worn contacts for 20+ years, I understand how important they are and it seems like an immature response on her part to get back at you.
She could have easily asked you about them and if they could go somewhere else like under the cabinets instead of tossing them.
Could you dig through the trash and recover the box? Just curious. I know it’d be gross, but when I had dailies they were sealed tight in a small box within another outer box.
You paid for those so I don’t understand the comment about needing to learn a lesson unless that lesson is ‘Don’t mess with me or I’ll mess with you.’ They owe you another box. Again I am shocked by the lack of empathy going on here from your dad to not understand the pressure cooker of a situation.
He may have been ready to move on but that was your mom and I am deeply sorry that you’re going through this situation where you should be allowed time to grieve without introducing an outside factor to make things worse.” SkyeDreaming
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
She is 48, not 8. She knew exactly what they were. She knew what she was doing when she threw them out. Things aren’t free? Yeah, no kidding, that’s why you paid for your contacts. They’re yours. And they’re necessary. You stored them in a particular, consistent location in your own home and had done nothing wrong in doing so.
She had no right to remove or even move them.
You can’t work or attend classes effectively without being able to see. It sounds like maybe you can still see stuff right in front of you (it’s only 5 inches for me, I keep my last 2 pairs of glasses around just in case), but you absolutely need more than that to safely get where you need to go and to properly participate in classes.
You’re not functional without your contacts. Your father definitely knows this.
Seems like she was trying to drive you out of the house, and he’s not got as much problem with that as he should.” PinkNGreenFluoride
11. AITJ For Teaching My Daughter's Partner How To Cook?
“I come from a developing country where women should cook, raise kids, and essentially do the domestic tasks. My parents raised me that way but I never believed it. We were taught that men bring home the paycheck and women take care of the house.
It’s literally in our books for the 1st to 3rd grade (‘padre de pamilya’/head of the family/’Ilaw Ng tahanan’/light for the house). Except I made 5 times my husband and in the last decade or so half of the women in my country started working.
So both now bring home the paycheck. Our country is the 4th country overall with more women in managerial positions than anywhere else at 59.36% but our belief system does not change that women should still carry both burdens of housework and finances.
I can proudly say I can hire someone to clean and cook for us, the rest of the house chores and child raising are divided between me and my husband equally and our kids also have their own chores.
I raised my daughters to look for a partner and not a husband. I raise them by giving them flowers, chocolates, and presents that way if a guy ever ‘courts’ them they are not blinded by material things and see a man for what he is.
My daughter (16) has recently brought home a boy and is essentially, I know this makes me horrible to say but, not ‘house trained’. Leaves the dishes out for someone to clean after him, and leaves his shoes on the floor. Leaves his messes lying around.
Whenever he comes over I remind him of the rules of the house and recently asked him a couple of questions such as does he know how to do the laundry, does he know how to sweep the floors, does he know how to clean or even cook.
He said no to all this. His mother and sisters do this for him.
I am a firm believer that any boy that my daughter brings home is a potential husband and has the potential to marry and be part of our family as such I want to ensure my future son-in-law is looking for a partner and not a maid, laundry lady, baby maker, nanny, etc.
On one particular Saturday, I had my daughter and her partner cook (our cook was on her day off). I supervised both of them, my daughter knew how to prepare the meat, cut, saute, boil, season, etc and he was just mostly there handing her things.
It took less than 20 minutes. We ate as normal, talked during the meal, and nothing else.
Later on, I get a message request from my social media account from his mother.
She said I had the audacity to treat him like the help when he is treated as a prince in their house… She said a couple of other things but what struck me is her main objection was that her son was a guest in my house and shouldn’t have cooked.
I think I may be the jerk because I gave cooking lessons without consent to a guest but I don’t think I am the jerk because it did not hurt my daughter’s partner to learn a life skill.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re doing a great job for your daughter AND the boy.
Did he object? At least in my country, significant others are treated a little differently than guests. They may be given some special treatment, but they’re also considered more part of the family, so it wouldn’t be rude to ask for help making dinner. And any guest should be expected to abide by house rules, and not leave messes around the house.
Good job teaching two young people not just life skills of cooking, but how to be a responsible adult.” anonymom135
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. And he probably doesn’t think that you are a jerk either… It is very possible that it is embarrassing for him to not know those life skills, and he has no possibility to learn them at home.
But he obviously prefers a girl who wants a partner. So it is a good thing that you thought of him! Even if he doesn’t become your SIL, he learned something, and he saw another way of living. That quite possibly is more appealing.” Complex-Pirate-4264
Another User Comments:
“You are not a jerk in my eyes BUT. You are actively participating in trying to shift the culture in your country/society. You are making a deliberate change to what is seen as normal by those around you. This is always going to cause some people to call you a jerk.
People get really angry about changing ways.
Tell the mother how lovely and wonderful her son is, and how great he and your daughter would be together. Focus on parents’ love for children as you tell how you want your grandchildren to be loved and provided for in a changing world, or whatever will get her attention that she is messing with a possible partner for her son into a good family.
You know your people best, but for the sake of the young people this might be a catch flies with honey situation. ‘Your son already feels like family and I treat him x way instead of y way.'” legendary_mushroom
10. AITJ For Getting The Bill Even Though Someone's Not Yet Finished Their Drink?
“I (19M) went out for dinner with my partner (18F), her best friend (22F), and one of her friends (19M). Prior to this evening, my partner’s best friend and I never really got on but always kept it mostly civil. The evening seemed fine and everyone was enjoying themselves, we had pizza and different wines and ciders.
We all finished our food and we all finished our drinks except the best friend who had about a quarter of her wine glass left. It was already established we were not going to order anymore, so I took it upon myself to order the bill from the waitress.
The best friend then says she needs to go to the toilet and my partner goes with her.
When they both come back, the best friend confronts me saying she thought that what I did was extremely rude, I responded by saying that as we were not going to order more, I’d have liked to pay, and we simply could stay sitting and chatting (apparently something that she is not accustomed to).
She denies any of my reasoning and goes on to say I can’t read social cues and goes so far as to call me autistic. Despite this, I simply said sorry if she found what I did rude but also said that her bringing it up is what ruined the night and not me.
She now refuses to apologize for both ruining the night and making a very crude comment and demands that I should be the one to apologize to which I have said I will not. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This friend sounds awful, and you are correct: she was the one who ruined the night by making a scene and throwing around bigoted language.
People do what you did all the time. Get and pay the bill when it’s convenient, then sit and finish your drinks and conversation at a leisurely pace. Then when you’re ready, you can simply get up and leave rather than trying to flag down your server and having to wait several minutes while they run your card and bring the bill back.” Jyqm
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. What you did is extremely common. You were at the wrapping things up phase since everyone had agreed they wouldn’t be ordering more drinks. She accuses you of not reading social cues, but she apparently isn’t aware of an exceedingly common one.
Your partner’s friend is a jerk and a bigot. You don’t owe her an apology and frankly, I wouldn’t associate with this person ever again. Your partner is a jerk for letting her call you this (and let’s be realistic, they both trash-talked you in the bathroom).
Personally, I’d cut all of these people (including the trashy partner who won’t stick up for you) out of my life without a second thought.” ElonDiddlesKids
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She probably did not want to go out in the first place, but your partner hoped that her friends could get along and she did not find a reason to say no. And then she probably tried the whole evening to find something to blame you for, and this was the last straw.
Now she can say you were rude and hurt her, and tell your partner that you are acting wrong, and never has to go out with you again. If you wouldn’t have asked for the bill (nothing wrong with that) she would have found something else – the way you held the door open/did not hold the door open, the way you left the restaurant before her/after her… As long as she can ask for an apology (that you had no reason to give) she got what she wanted. The insult was just the cherry on top to make sure you wouldn’t take the blame for whatever she accused you of.” Complex-Pirate-4264
9. AITJ For Not Wanting To Visit My Son's Friend In A Mental Health Ward?
“My son (15) has a friend who is currently in in-patient mental health treatment. Even though the patients are underage, visitors under 18 aren’t allowed, for whatever reason. My son asked me to go visit him and give his friend some comics, a letter, and a pizza.
Apparently the food there is bad, but you can bring outside food to visit and patients can eat it during the visit.
The thing is, I don’t want to go. His parents go and see him most days, and I am sure they bring snacks.
I told my son I could give them the comics and letter to give him. He said no because he doesn’t trust them not to read his letter. Well, I really don’t want to go to the hospital. I just don’t feel comfortable.
My son said I am being a judgemental jerk, but I am not judging his friend, I just don’t want to go.
I don’t even know what I would say to him. Would I just sit in silence and watch him eat pizza? I told him to ask his dad, but my husband works weird hours and would only be able to go on the weekends, and apparently, the parents always go on weekends.
My son is really disappointed in me and angry at me, but don’t I have the right to have boundaries? He told me that I was lying when I said he can ask me for anything. He can ask, but this is one request I don’t think I can fulfill.
Update: I will schedule a time to go when my son isn’t busy and then facetime him in the visiting area. He and his friend will get to have a (mostly) private ‘face-to-face’ chat, his friend will get to enjoy his pizza and he’ll get his letter and comics.
It’ll be pretty much a visit between them, and I’ll just be the chauffeur, basically.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. It’s a nice thing that your son is thinking of his friend. I don’t think it would be a big deal to drop off the letter, comics, and pizza and tell him your son is thinking of him.
You don’t need to sit with him, just drop it off. But you need to check with this kid’s parents first. They are the ones in touch with his doctors. There are restrictions on visitors in mental health facilities and things you can bring in.
You can’t just waltz in. It is a very controlled environment for the safety of the patients.” User
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
But I can’t really tell what you mean by being uncomfortable. You seem to cite things that are controllable. You can eat pizza with the friend.******* up and ask about hobbies.
You can make it clear that you’re just dropping off stuff on behalf of your son and sending regards.
If you don’t like mental care facilities as a whole, then I think you ought to push having your husband go. He may have odd hours, but this isn’t insurmountable.
Or how about another trusted adult who isn’t the kid’s parent?
Your son doesn’t have any other recourse. His good friend is separated from him. You can help him know how his friend is doing (even say that friend is alert or pleased by the gifts).
Tell your son he ate the pizza happily. Whatever.
You are the person he asks to help him. Would you help your son?
And let’s say it’s your son who’s at the facility. Would you visit?” Poesy-WordHoard
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here
You offered to give these things to his parents to take in when they see him, you did not dismiss your son’s wishes to support his friend.
His disappointment is understandable because he feels powerless to help, and can’t go in to see him himself. But I feel that his solution of you going in his place is inappropriate, and putting you (and potentially his friend) in an uncomfortable position.
I would be very uncomfortable if someone’s parent showed up at my impatient facility and wanted to see me.
This friend is in a vulnerable place at the moment and might not have anyone besides his parents/family visiting him. (as his friends can’t). It certainly isn’t a normal thing to do, and you being uncomfortable in that environment would probably make it awkward even if he was ok with parents or friends visiting.
I am sure his parents bringing along the gifts from your son would mean the world to this kid and nothing else is necessary. He needs space to heal.
If I were in his friend’s position I would not be comfortable with my friend’s parents showing up in this context, even if it was my best friend’s parent.
You offered to send along his gifts and best wishes but ultimately you shouldn’t have to go and visit this friend.” cherry_treee
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
His parents are going. You are not said friend’s parents and don’t have an obligation to go. If you are really close with said friend and treated him like your own when he was growing up, that may be a different story, but I would still run it by his parents before going.
Not to mention that you going by yourself may be crossing a line, especially as an adult that is not his parent.
Tell the parents your son’s concerns about opening the letter and have them assure him they won’t betray his confidence.
You may even consider telling a white lie for his ease of mind, saying that only his family can go.
But no matter your reason for not feeling comfortable going, the fact remains that you don’t feel comfortable going. NTJ.” RadishLate
8. AITJ For Not Wanting To Sell My Condo?
“So my partner has been living in my condo for about 2.5-3 years on/off. My partner has only been helping me consistently with bills for about the last 6 months.
For the previous 2.5 years, he’d help financially sporadically, like maybe a couple of times a year. I am appreciative of his help around the house but I told him I need more help financially. I do the bulk of the grocery shopping. He cooks mostly ready-made and frozen meals.
We split cooking weekly, I’ve offered to teach him how to make things he enjoys when I cook and he says he likes it better when I make them. It’s about effort and I feel like he doesn’t put much in. I want someone to cook me homemade meals like I do for him which is why I offered to teach him.
He drives my car. He recently left his full-time job to work 2 part-time gigs. He wants me to sell my condo so we can buy a house together. I told him I was not comfortable buying a house with someone who cannot afford to contribute consistently.
He said I was not being fair and that I know that he will help out.
I have always felt guilty because he’s a good partner in other ways. I am in my last year of grad school and am ready to travel and enjoy life.
When I tell him my plans of traveling after graduation he says he wants to come along. But he isn’t financially stable enough to do that. If he pays for a weekend getaway then he’s not able to contribute to our normal monthly bills. My utility & mortgage bills are about $2000/mth he pays $400-500.
I’ve tried to explain to him but he says all I care about is money and that I am putting him down. I have always worked and paid my bills even when I was previously married. I have a stable career and retirement plan. Until he can be financially independent and stable I don’t feel comfortable moving forward in our relationship.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As you pointed out he is not financially stable and has not been consistent in paying bills and costs, he might have a lot of great qualities but as it stands he’s not really the kind of partner that you’d want to build up a life with – especially wrapping yourselves up financially together in a large asset.
The cynical side of me wonders if he sees the writing on the wall and wants to be in a better position when you break up.” rmric0
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You don’t want a roommate who ‘helps out’ you need a partner who is responsible and contributes fairly to your joint household.
(Whether financially, emotionally, or physically) You don’t have that now but at least the condo is your asset and safety net. The only thing buying a house together will change is giving him legal rights/ownership to the house meaning he can potentially take half if you split or even take out a second mortgage or sell it behind your back.
I don’t think a partnership needs to be 50/50 but he needs to make an effort. He’s the one making it about money. If he contributed less financially but was making more of an effort on other things (like cooking or household maintenance) it might be more of a balance.
You mention he quit a full-time job and is now working 2 part-time ones. Did he discuss quitting his job beforehand or did he do it thinking you can cover his new direction and is that because he lacks job skills or lacks ambition? You need to continue the discussion on responsibility.
Grown adults need to work and pay their bills. Grown adults don’t ‘help out’ at home. They take care of their home. Period.” Any-Blackberry-5557
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but this is a concerning relationship. Looking ahead, do you feel like things will ever progress so that he’s financially stable and you can move ahead in your relationship?
It seems like you’ve been waiting for him to grow up for a while now. If he’s just working things out and actively seeking to do better with his career, managing finances, etc., maybe it has a chance. But it seems like for now you’re the only mature one and I am not sure what kind of future you have with him.” anonymom135
7. AITJ For Not Wanting To Move In With My Partner Because Of His Dog?
“I (23F) have been with my partner ‘Mark’ (24M) for nearly two years and we’re thinking of moving in together and are currently in the process of discussing what that would look like for us. Now I am a fairly messy person and I don’t need to have our place look like a model home, but Mark’s dog, ‘Rex’ (2.5) is making me consider ending the relationship entirely unless something changes.
It seems that every other time I go to Mark’s place Rex always either pees, poops, or pukes somewhere in the house. Mark also allows Rex to crawl around under the sheets, which I think is nasty considering poop often gets stuck in his fur.
Last night Rex ended up pooping on the bed, then immediately crawled under the sheets, leaving a huge poop streak all over everything while we were in it and I lost it. I told Mark that it’s nasty he continues to let this happen and he needs to be more on top of letting his dog out.
He said it only happens because he ‘gets excited’ and that he lets him out enough. I suggested using bells by the door and teaching Rex to tap them when he needs to go out but he insists those are unnecessary.
By that point I had enough and gave Mark an ultimatum: I would not consider moving in with him until Rex is completely house-trained or he finds a new home for him.
Mark said I was being unreasonable and mean by making him choose between me and his dog. Was I out of line for this? Neither my mom nor I think so.
Info: The dog is 2.5 years and we’ve been long distance until about 3 months ago so I did not know about this until recently.
Mark claims he takes Rex out enough but I can’t know how often as we don’t live together.
Rex is NOT a bad dog otherwise. This is his only issue.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
They need training. Someone did a very bad job raising them for them to be THAT disgusting.
No one ever taught them right and wrong, and it will be hard for them to unlearn those habits now that they’re older. Maybe send them to one of those daycares that can improve their behavior.
On another note, should really do something about the dog too.” aumistyn
Another User Comments:
“First of all, a not house-trained dog above the age of one year is a failure of the dog owner. Frequent vomiting could be due to feeding schedule or medical issues, it’s not normal, and he should really see a vet about that.
Regular long walks are better for getting the dog to do its business than just letting the dog out in the yard. I have shared a bed with dogs, and two dachshunds. Pros and cons, but they’re gone now, and it won’t happen again. Usually, I’d say YTJ for anyone who demands their partner get rid of their pet, but in this case, I’d say NTJ since you’re open to moving in with the dog when it’s house-trained.” Eldhannas
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re not making Mark choose between you and Rex. You’re making Mark choose between letting the dog remain improperly trained/cared for and you. If Mark really loves you, he’ll get the dog trained. Accidents happen, but a young, healthy dog should not be regularly peeing, pooping, and puking in the house.
I wonder what other unpleasant, possibly deal-breaking, things you might learn about Mark if you hold off another 6 months before moving in.” Miriamathome
6. WIBTJ If I Don't Invite My One Schoolmate To My Parties Anymore?
“I (28 M) went to school for computer science and work in tech, where I make good money.
In 2021, I decided to pursue my passion for writing and enrolled in a Master of Fine Arts (MFA) program. Because my house is relatively close to campus and I enjoy entertaining, I started hosting a casual get-together for the cohort (it’s small, only about ten people) every month or so and it helped us all become closer friends.
The parties are nicer than a dorm party (think wine and cheese) but nothing super fancy.
In 2022, a new class of students came in and I invited them to the parties as well. One young woman (22ish F) and I got off on the wrong foot.
During our first conversation, I mentioned my trip to Vienna last summer and she said ‘Ooh, Vienna,’ in a sarcastic tone. Our conversation quickly tapered off after that. I was embarrassed because I could see how I might have come off as showing off, but I honestly did not mean for it to read that way.
Subsequent to that, she has made it pretty clear that she does not like me, and specifically because I have some money. She is always making snide remarks about how exploitative capitalism and rich people and landlords are (she knows I rent a room to another student).
As a bit, she once pretended to be a sommelier and sarcastically appraised the wines I had on the table. I understand that not all of her resentment is directed at me, specifically, but it still feels very uncomfortable. She came to the MFA straight from undergrad and leads a ‘starving artist’ lifestyle, and I am sympathetic to that, but several of the other students share similar circumstances and political views, and I have never felt the same way around them.
For the past few parties, I’ve hoped she would just not come, but she has attended every gathering. I have become a lot more self-conscious about what I wear, what food and drink I serve, and what I say in conversation, and it’s honestly just exhausting and not fun to host when she is around.
So, I would like to explicitly stop inviting her. It will definitely create a little drama since everybody else is still invited.
Over the past two years, these parties have almost become semi-official events for the students in the program, so it definitely feels strange to exclude exactly one person.
I know that it’s ultimately my house and my party, so I am perfectly within my rights, but I also realize that I am coming from a place of privilege, so I wanted a gut check. I am sure she will just take it as confirmation that I am the rich jerk that she already thinks I am but do you guys agree?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. So this Debbie Downer is showing up to YOUR house, eating YOUR food, and drinking YOUR wine and still has the audacity to continuously bad mouth the host. No. You would be doing yourself a disservice if you did not tell her she was not invited anymore.
Now, doing it in a tactful manner is another thing. I recommend discussing her rude comments about you with a couple of your mutual friends. I am sure they’re made quite uncomfortable listening to her vitriol. You can then get the best tailor-made advice on how to remove her from your social circle.
Teamwork is always helpful.” AnneHawthorne
Another User Comments:
“You’re not ceasing to invite her because she is poor; you’re ceasing to invite her because she is being a jerk. NTJ.
If you wanted to be very mature and nice, you could attempt to have a conversation with her about how you feel you got off on the wrong foot, her subsequent behavior, and how it makes you feel uncomfortable to have her at your parties now.
She might take note, realize she was behaving badly, and make a change. Or she might not. You’re under no obligation to do this, but it would be the adult move, rather than just excluding her without explanation. And if she doesn’t change, then at least she will be very clear on why she is no longer welcome.” Other_Sprinkles_2798
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, uninviting someone because they are poor, would be a terrible thing to do. But you don’t want her not because she is poor but because she is rude and makes you uncomfortable. It is your house, your party, you have every right to not be disrespected in your own house.
And she still comes and eats and drinks with your money! So it is the right thing to do to not invite her anymore. Maybe if it does create drama. Tell her in exact terms why. Not because you have money and she doesn’t but because she has no manners, makes fun of you for having the money (which you earned) but at the same time has the audacity to come and eat for free.
She is a hypocrite.” Gauri108
5. AITJ For Not Wanting My Ex To Help Fund Our Daughter's Car?
“Our daughter is turning 16 in about a month. I have been saving for a while and have about 12,500 to buy her a car. So not a great car but enough of a car that it will get her where she needs to go and not be in the shop every other month.
This is basically everything she needs but maybe not all the wants. My hope is this will last her through college.
I was talking to my ex about this, and she was on board. She wanted to throw about 5k into the pot to get a better car.
She said it’s what she can afford. I think this stretches her budget and is all she can afford. I refused for a couple of reasons. The first being I want this to be the gift that I can control with my daughter and don’t wish to have a co-parent decision tree on this car.
The other reason is I don’t want her to think this is her family car. She has 3 other kids to worry about that I do not mind. She 2 step kids and 1 with her new husband, the daughter in question is my only one. The stepkids are twins and will be 16 fairly soon.
I will never let one of the twins drive my car. I don’t want my daughter to have to share the car. I also don’t want my ex to think she can chauffer her other kid around.
My ex is now mad at me. So AITJ for refusing on behalf of my daughter?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. When you give her the car you need to be very clear that no one else can drive the car. If the stepkids crash the car you are liable. You should also inform the ex and her husband in writing that they have no control over the car, your daughter won’t be a chauffeur, they can’t ground her from using it, and any other rules you set.” murphy2345678
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But be prepared for mom to still try to make daughter be a chauffeur, and share the car. I do suggest checking the laws in your state about drivers under a certain age not being allowed to have passengers of the same age or younger in the car without another licensed driver over the age of 21.
If such a law exists make sure the ex is fully aware of this, and if she tries to get your daughter to break that rule, the car stays at your home.” HyenaShot8896
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
If you have reason to think your ex is capable of using your present to your daughter as a means to secure transport for her children, go with your gut instinct.
If your ex can afford to blow 5000$ on a gift, your daughter hopefully has the grace to be equally appreciative of a 5000 dollar gift from her mom. Maybe suggest a nice-ish computer for your daughter (good for school), lessons in some topic she likes ( I would suggest an SAT prep course, but that doesn’t sound like a fun gift), a mom-daughter trip (might not be possible), a prom dress/outfit, a piece of nice adult-ish jewelry, scuba gear, etc etc.
At best your ex is just afraid you are buying your daughter’s affection, and she can’t keep up.” IraWeatherall
4. AITJ For Letting My Partner Use My Roommate's Bathroom?
“I (19F) just moved into an apartment with two other girls, Kayla and Maya (both 21F).
Two days ago, I had my partner Liam (20M) over, and we were hanging out between classes. We lost track of time while talking and realized that if we did not leave in the next couple of minutes I’d be late for my afternoon class.
I rushed to the bathroom to pee, and a moment later Liam knocked on the door and told me to hurry up because he had to go too. We really did not have much time left and I still needed to brush my teeth and check my hair and makeup, and I was not going to do that with him peeing in the bathroom.
My mind raced and the only thing I could think of was to tell Liam to use my roommate Kayla’s bathroom, as her bedroom door is right across from mine and I know she doesn’t lock her door.
Liam went and used Kayla’s bathroom, and five minutes later we were out the door.
I barely made it to class on time, but I made it, so I relaxed and things went on as normal. However, when I got out of class, I had some missed texts from my roommate group chat. I opened it to see Kayla asking if anyone used her bathroom while she was at work.
Maya had said no, that she’d been gone since 9 and wouldn’t be back until after a thing with her sorority sisters. I responded saying I did not use it, thinking there was no way she really knew that someone had been in there while she was out.
I put my phone away and headed to the food court to grab something for dinner, then went back home, only to find Kayla on the couch watching tv. I said hi and just headed straight for my room, but before I could get my door unlocked Kayla asked ‘Why was Liam in my bathroom?’ I asked her what she meant, and she told me she found ashes in the sink and a smoke butt in the trash.
Liam is the only one of us or our partners that actively smokes.
I figured at that point I was caught and admitted that I told him to use her bathroom when we were in a rush to leave. She told me that was no excuse and reminded me that not only did we ‘violate her privacy’ but that Maya and she have already asked that Liam not smoke inside the apartment.
None of them like the smell of smoke and Kayla especially dislikes it because she grew up with a chain-smoking father. I tried to apologize again and asked why it was such a big deal because she never locks her door so what exactly does she expect?
She told me she shouldn’t have to tell me as an adult to not go into her bedroom without permission, then got up and went into her room, slamming it and locking the door. I called Liam upset about it and told him what happened and he said Kayla was overreacting.
I think so too, but she hasn’t spoken to me since and has been ignoring me. Maya has talked to me noticeably less as well. I am wondering if I messed up here or if they’re just overreacting for real.
EDIT- The apartment is not smoke-free.
The entire apartment complex is smoke friendly. Maya and Kayla have no problem with Liam smoking on the patio or outside and disposing of his smokes in my trash or the kitchen trash, but it’s in the 30s outside so I let him smoke in my bedroom because he shouldn’t have to be freezing cold while he smokes.
It’s in my room so it’s no big deal. And Kayla has let me use her bathroom once before so of course I did not think letting Liam do it would blow up like this. Also, we have individual leases so they can’t ‘kick me off the lease.’ They can’t kick me out for letting Liam smoke.
I am going to try and apologize to Kayla again. I just want to get past this.
I moved in a week before the semester began. I’ve lived here for a month.”
Another User Comments:
“‘I am wondering if I messed up here or if they’re just overreacting for real.’
YTJ and your partner is a jerk too.
You really don’t want to know if you messed up. You just want people to agree with you so you can justify what you did.
You are a liar. You don’t respect your roommate’s privacy. You don’t respect your house rules.
You blame the victim for not locking her door. You are completely oblivious to your trashy behavior. You will probably dismiss EVERY RESPONSE to your post that YOU ARE THE JERK and learn nothing about yourself.
Corporate middle management is waiting for you to arrive.” 56degreewedge
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. This was not a shared bathroom. You did not have permission to go in. The door not being locked does not imply that you are free to go into someone else’s room. You could have skipped your primping to let your partner use your bathroom.
You not managing your time is not an excuse to invade your roommate’s space without permission.
You are a jerk for not telling your roommate immediately and making excuses.
Your partner is a jerk for smoking in the apartment and the roommate’s bathroom and leaving ashes and a smoke butt behind.” Bluemonogi
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, that’s her personal space and nobody should’ve been in there without her permission! And on top of that, your partner was unbelievably rude smoking in her room. And that doesn’t even start with the lying to her about it.
Here’s a tip if you have to lie about doing it, you knew it was wrong to do from the beginning.
As far as letting him smoke in your room, smoke isn’t being contained in your room. You’re making your roommates suffer after they’ve already been more than accommodating by allowing you to throw the butts away in the trash.
Smoke clings to everything. If you were my roommate I would’ve lost my mind with you a lot sooner than your current roommates have. I also would’ve been a lot ruder to you and your jerk of a partner about it.
If you’re this horrible of a roommate you need to live alone.” Mountain-Pear-1682
3. AITJ For Being Mad At My Mom's Partner For Cutting Me Off?
“I (21 F) was talking to my mom (60s) and her partner (60s) about Netflix’s new restrictions on password sharing, and how everyone was upset about it.
They were both under the impression that this was a good business move. After talking for a while, I said that I had seen four videos, each with millions of likes, all saying that it was a terrible business move. He immediately started making fun of me for thinking four people leaving Netflix was going to affect them.
He cut me off probably 10 times while I was trying to re-explain that each of these videos had millions of likes. He wouldn’t let me get more than two words in. I began to feel very frustrated and felt that saying ‘please don’t cut me off,’ or ‘let me talk’ would be to no avail as he would cut me off saying that sentence.
So, I screamed ‘LET ME TALK! LET ME TALK!’ Finally, I was allowed to speak.
Later, when my mom and I were alone, she told me ‘I get that he was being annoying, but you shouldn’t have screamed at him.’ She went on to talk about how I should have said ‘Let me talk,’ before yelling it.
Even later that night, I retold this story to my partner, and they told me that I was 100% in the right, so now I don’t know what to think.
EDIT: My mom’s partner is a very amazing, very kind person. This is the first time I’ve had a problem like this with him, and they’ve been together (off and on) for 6 years.
They have been ‘on’ for about a year and a half. I would not describe him as a misogynist.
I am not upset that he disagreed with me. I wouldn’t have screamed at him for disagreeing with me. I was upset that he was not respecting me and letting me talk, while at the same time making fun of me.
I can accept that people have different opinions. That’s not what this was about.”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
You said you ‘felt like’ replying with ‘please let me speak’ or something similar wouldn’t work. You decided what his response to a reasonably stated request would be (nothing) before you even made it.
So you skipped ahead and screamed.
Interrupting someone can be rude for many reasons… one is that it’s suggesting you know what the other person is going to say and it’s not worth saying or you already have a reply.
So what you did was not really that much different in terms of making assumptions on behalf of the other person in the conversation.
You were both rude and immature.” DerNibelungenlied
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Because another option is to just realize they will not be convinced of your point and move on to another topic. On top of that, a video having millions of likes is no evidence it was a bad business decision.
It is (at best) evidence that people don’t like the decision which does not necessarily make it a bad business decision.
It sounds like you think you are smarter than your mom and her partner and they think the same so you both just don’t listen.” Tenpat
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here – your mom’s partner doesn’t sound like a lot of fun to be around, but the way you describe the situation, you acted like a spoiled child stomping her foot on the ground in frustration. For god’s sake, you’re 21 years old… you’re an adult… start acting like one.
Yes, he was being rude by cutting you off, but I am guessing you have the verbal and conversation skills to express yourself without screaming like a toddler. Grow up.” partyboysouth
2. AITJ For Telling My Mom That The Surgery She Made Me Get When I Was A Kid Has Negatively Impacted My Life?
“I (45F) am facing major surgery on my heel, ankle, and Achilles tendon if physical therapy does not improve my current pain levels.
I have what my podiatrist has described as the ‘worst calcifications’ he has seen on my Achilles. There is a very high chance that with or without the surgery, I will lose my ability to walk. Surgery makes it less likely, but I will walk worse than normal, just hopefully without excruciating pain.
The issue is causing my Achilles to not stretch properly and literally rip the top of my heel bone off slowly. Any course my doctor and I take, I will lose at least some function of my foot.
The calcifications are 100% a direct result of tendon lengthening surgery my mother made me get at six to ‘fix’ flat feet.
The flat feet never caused me any issues. My mother claims I walked on the outside edges of my feet, but regardless it worked for me. In some ways, I feel like my mom wanted me to ‘fix’ the flat feet because they did make it difficult for me to wear ‘girly’ shoes and they did not look ‘normal’ and I was a major tomboy.
But that’s beside the point.
When I told my mom the doctor said my current issues were a direct result of the previous surgery, she got offended and said I was blaming her. She thinks it was a jerk move to bring the surgery 40 years ago up at all, even to my doctor.
I think it was fairly important for my doctor to know and I was simply stating a fact to her that had the lengthening of the tendon not been done, I would not have the calcification to the extent I have it.
Am I a jerk for telling my mom (not in these exact words) that her decision 40 years ago is causing me to now face potentially losing my ability to walk?
To be clear, I don’t think my mom is necessarily a jerk for choosing the surgery back then. I do doubt her given reasons (photos and my medical records don’t fully support her claims, they paint a less severe picture), but I am sure she made the best decision for how she felt about it.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Having different medical standards doesn’t change the fact that the surgery is responsible for the issue. 300 years ago, they did not know washing your hands stopped the spread of disease, but that doesn’t mean doctors were not at fault for killing patients because they did not wash their hands.
It doesn’t matter if things were different back then, problems still occurred because of those actions. You never said your mom was at fault for causing the calcifications, but she is responsible for you getting the surgery. If y’all want to say ‘things were different in the 80s’ tell that to OP’s ankles.
They clearly don’t seem to understand that and need to get with the program.” Bluepikmin_64
Another User Comments:
“No doctor worth his license would do surgery on a child just because her mommy wanted her to wear pretty shoes. Your mother was making decisions based on advice she got from a medical professional. And it was probably the wrong move, but at the time that would have been hard to predict.
Besides, who knows how bad your feet and legs would have been without the surgery?
It sucks for you that you’re facing such awful issues now. Your loss of mobility and the tough decision you have to make now are awful, and my heart goes out to you.
But Circumstance Is the villain here, not your mother.
She may not have been a perfect (or even a good) mom. By the sounds of it, she may have done some mental health damage to you regarding gender presentation in general. But I don’t think she is to blame for this, and YTJ for trying to guilt her about it.” Nemesis0408
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If you should or shouldn’t have gotten that surgery is completely irrelevant. You are definitely not the jerk for bringing it up, it happened and you are allowed to talk about it. Even though your mom might have had good intentions you are still allowed to be upset that her choice means you might lose your ability to walk.
Her intentions don’t invalidate your feelings. You did not even bring up that you were upset about it you just told her what the doctor said. I think the people who say you are a jerk are being really harsh and unfair.” 3rdDegreeYeets
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
‘In some ways, I feel like my mom wanted me to ‘fix’ the flat feet because they did make it difficult for me to wear ‘girly’ shoes and they did not look ‘normal’ and I was a major tomboy.’
It’s more likely that the doctor said ‘Hey, your kid’s feet are messed up.
There’s a surgery we can do to try and correct that’. Very few doctors are going to do a surgical procedure on a child just because their mom wants them to have dainty feet that fit into ‘girly’ shoes.
‘she got offended and said I was blaming her.’
Because you pretty much ARE.
‘my medical records don’t fully support her claims, they paint a less severe picture.’
Medical records often paint a basic picture but aren’t always 100% correct. Things get lost, diagnoses are added/changed/removed and records aren’t always updated to reflect that.
Bringing up that your current issues are caused by the past surgery is fine; Blaming your mother for doing what she was likely told was best for you 40+ years ago? YTJ.” notlucyintheskye
1. AITJ For Kicking My Friend And Her Bratty Kids Out Of My House?
“I (22f) have a friend (23f) who is in a pretty rough situation here – she never does tell people the full story but she got laid off from her job and has lost her home, long story short it’s been tough for her.
I did start letting her stay in the house with her two kids (5f neurodivergent), (4f neurotypical but very bratty) giving her access to food, shelter, etc. The only problem is, her kids are the most annoying entitled brats you could ever meet – you’d think surely they’d be more humble considering the situation.
This one event however absolutely takes the cake. I can’t remember which one but one of these annoying kids treads on one of my best items of clothing and it rips. I get they are children and all but still Jesus Christ… I had to kick my friend out of the house because of this, and, well, there you have it.
I may have gone a bit overboard but I don’t know.
AITJ?
EDIT: it was not an abrupt thing. I apologized but told them I needed them to leave, giving them enough time.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Since their mom lost her job, she should have plenty of time to supervise and be a mom by teaching them manners.
She should be able to enforce boundaries, like not going into your bedroom around your clothes.
Accidents can happen, sure. You would be the jerk if you kicked them out for an accident that the mom was trying to rectify, but it does not seem this way.” csharpwarrior
Another User Comments:
“YTJ here. You assumed responsibility for your friend and her 2 kids, who you knew were neurodivergent and neurotypical+bratty. I am pretty sure a 4 and 5-year-old can’t understand the gravity of losing their home and honestly shame on you for assuming they do.
Unless they broke into your room, pulled out your best dress, and tore it, it seems like you just happened to have it lying around and they tripped on it by accident. That’s kind of on you too.
It’s obviously your home and you need to be comfortable first and foremost, but by inviting your friend to stay with you given her housing situation, it’s kind of a jerk move to throw her out just because her kids were being kids.” osmoticmonk
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Why would you ever think you are when they’re disrespecting you and your property? Her children’s issues are not your responsibility to bear.
She chose her actions and now needs to pay the price for them. If you do still consider her a friend make sure she pays for the damaged items. If she whines she can’t pay.
Remind her that’s not your problem and should have done something about it before it happened.” sbmotoracer
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Listen, you get to decide if you want to help out a friend in need. You certainly were not required to take her in or help her out in the first place.
However, you did agree to assist her. You were well aware of her kids when you did so. Did you set a boundary on time for this assistance? Did you talk about realistic expectations regarding her kids’ behavior? It seems very cruel to abruptly kick out a person who is struggling over a piece of ripped clothing.
At ages 4 and 5, accidents will happen. Young kids are never ‘humble’ and that’s a strange expectation.” LadyCass79
