People Ask That We Step In Their Shoes With Their “Am I The Jerk?” Stories
21. AITJ For Offering My Saxophone Performance As A Wedding Gift Instead Of A Traditional One?
“I (24M) play the saxophone to a very high level, not quite professionally but I’ve been in orchestras/ensembles since I was 14. When my sister got married 4 years ago she asked if I could perform a few songs at her wedding, and of course I said yes and refused to take any money from her and still got her and her husband a nice gift. I spent a significant amount of time and effort perfecting and memorizing her list of songs (which I had absolutely no issue with).
Because of how well it was received at my sister’s wedding I have had family and friends ask if I could do it for them as well, I always said I would but it would be my gift to them and they wouldn’t be receiving anything else from me.
I have had split reactions from informing the couples about that caveat. Some understand and take it well and others have claimed that I am cheap/selfish and that I should just do them the favour. I try to explain that it takes a substantial amount of time to learn, perfect, and memorize 5-10 new songs and that my time isn’t free.
Some have even gone on to say because I played for my sister and got her a gift that they should get the same treatment.
At some point, I usually say something along the lines of “Here are your options: I perform for free but that’s your gift OR if you want a gift and a performance it’ll cost $100 a song.”
AITJ for doing that?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They want to devalue your time and talent, and they also want to turn you from a guest into a performer, and I’m glad you’re standing up to them. Anyone who tells you that you should give them the same deal you gave your sister is delusional. I bet even $100 per song wouldn’t adequately compensate you for the hours you put into each song.” TemptingPenguin369
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. No, you’re not the jerk for setting clear boundaries and expectations about your performance at weddings. It’s understandable that you want to offer your talent as a gift, but also recognize the time and effort it takes to prepare for each event.
It’s fair to inform couples upfront about your conditions, especially considering the effort you put into learning and perfecting songs. Offering the option for them to pay for additional songs is a reasonable compromise. Ultimately, it’s your decision to make, and couples should respect your terms or seek alternative arrangements if they’re not comfortable with them.” nicoleddavis
Another User Comments:
“You are absolutely NTJ. I am a professional musician (harpist). I’ve made that same arrangement for friends in the past and for the same reasons. It sounds like your so-called “friends” do not understand the amount of time and effort it takes to perform at weddings.
Your time is not free. Your instrument was not free. What it took for you to learn your instrument – hours of practice, music lessons, etc. – was not free. I hate it when someone thinks musicians enjoy playing for free. No professional musician does that unless for very special reasons and your friends don’t deserve your talents if they’re that greedy.” harpie84
20. AITJ For Refusing To Cover My Coworker's Expensive Meal After He Paid For My $2 Item?
“I’m a first responder and was riding along with another shift for training purposes. On the first day we drove through Chick-fil-A. I ordered a small Mac And cheese, in our area that’s about $4. He ordered a whole meal. When we got to the window, they gave us 50% off making mine $2.
The guy I was riding with said “Don’t worry I’ll cover you”. Cool, thank you for covering my $2 I appreciate it lol.
Second day we went to a local bistro that was decently pricey. I ordered a salad that was about $10. His meal totaled out to just over $20.
When we went to the register to pay he told them “She’s going to cover mine” while pointing at me. To say I was appalled is an understatement. The cashier looked at me and I calmly stated “No, I will just be covering myself”.
The guy I was riding with got mad and started saying he covered me for lunch yesterday so it’s only right that I cover him. I’m not confrontational, but I’m also no punk lol. I calmly stated “$2 does not constitute $22 (or whatever the total was).
If you’d like me to give you $2 to cover the small side I ordered yesterday I will absolutely do that. But I will not be paying for your meal” and handed my card to the cashier.
He paid for his meal and we went outside where he refused to let me get into the vehicle.
He continued to argue and cause a scene in the parking lot. He told me I’m no longer allowed to ride with him, so I called for a supervisor. Once the supervisor arrived he told them that he covered my lunch yesterday and that I refused to extend the same courtesy and that I embarrassed him and caused a scene and that he no longer feels comfortable riding with me.
I explained my side to the supervisor and apologized because this is literally so ridiculous lol.
The supervisor essentially said I was wrong because I should’ve just been respectful and paid for him like he did me. At this point, I was angry and told them this sounds like extortion and that I wasn’t going to be taken advantage of.
I told them that $2 is a whole lot different than $22. We’re first responders, we don’t make a lot. I continued to say if he wanted me to buy him a drink from the gas station or give him $2 I had absolutely no problem doing so, but I was not going to be bullied into covering his meal because he covered mine.
I ended up riding with someone else because obviously riding with him is no longer an option. The person I switched to also said I was wrong and should’ve just paid for his meal. I don’t think I’m wrong here. Had I known the previous day that I would be expected to pay for his expensive meal after paying for my $2 Mac and cheese I would’ve never let him cover me.
I feel like since he put me on the spot, my putting him on the spot in return was only fair. I don’t feel like I caused a scene, I wasn’t the one who argued and refused to unlock the doors. But now everyone’s saying that I’m not a team player and I embarrassed him as well as our place of work.
Am I wrong here? AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I bet that most everyone who is saying you are wrong are men. I bet you have violated some unspoken bro code that you as the trainee need to pay for the person with more experience.
What the dude did was a form of theft, the $2 snack meaning you need to pay for a $20 lunch that was double the price of your lunch. Then he locked you out of the vehicle. This is a toxic work environment.” KittyC217
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – It’s unreasonable for your coworker to expect you to cover a $22 meal in return for him covering a $2 item. The value disparity is significant, and his expectation wasn’t communicated beforehand. You offered a fair alternative by offering to give him the $2 back. His reaction was unprofessional and escalated the situation unnecessarily.
Your colleagues’ and supervisor’s responses seem misguided, as the issue here is about fairness and not being taken advantage of. You acted reasonably and stood up for yourself in an unfair situation.” Reddit User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If it had been a few dollars difference, that would be one thing, but $20 is a lot.
It would be different if you had been partners for a while, but it sounds like you barely know this guy. He was trying to take advantage of you because he didn’t think you’d push back. Him refusing to let you in the vehicle was super unprofessional. Unfortunately, it sounds like everyone knows and likes this person, so they’re siding with him (and anyone who disagrees is probably staying out of it).
If you have to work with these people for a while, you might be better off apologizing, even though you did nothing wrong. It would be easier than being the outsider who no one wants to work with. Sorry.” SoMuchMoreEagle
19. AITJ For Refusing To Live With My Messy Sister Despite Free Rent Offered By Our Parents?
“I 19F and my sister 18F will have to move out in under a year as my parents are selling the family home and traveling around the world.
My parents decided on this plan of me and her living together and in doing so would only have to pay the rent for one place instead of two. They have offered to pay for our rent as an apology for selling the house.
I spoke to my parents in private and explained that I wouldn’t want to live with my sister and gave some pretty good reasons why.
She is incredibly messy and will not clean up after herself unless you bring it up. If you bring it up too often she starts crying and will make a ton of lame excuses as to why she couldn’t do it.
She has mentioned previously that when she moves out she wants her friends over as often as possible and wants to have a place to pregame before clubs.
She can’t cook very well so I guarantee I will be cooking for her, or at least having to help her whenever she needs help in the kitchen.
She doesn’t like to share and so I’ll probably be stuck in my room as she will take over any lounge space we have.
She also doesn’t like compromise and both of our aesthetics are completely different, I know that she would get her way and I would hate what the apartment looks like. I would also get the smaller room as she would demand the bigger one.
My parents told me I was being unfair and wasting a great opportunity of a free place to live.
My sister has also found out and is mad that I’m throwing away free rent.
I suggested they pay half of each of our rents and we live in separate places but they won’t agree to that, so my sister is really mad as I am 100% the reason we are losing out on this “great deal.””
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Your suggestion that your parents pay half for EACH of you is a good solution…why would they refuse? Because they want YOU to take care of your sister? A free place to live is only good if you enjoy living there – doesn’t sound like living with your sister would be good for you at all.” omeomi24
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Of course she’s mad – she was going to get everything that she wanted, including a maid, bookkeeper, and live-in putz, until you put the kibosh on it. Guaranteed, if you go against your instincts, you will regret it. You know how this will end.” CandylandCanada
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but just so we are clear here – they are going to pay rent on an apartment for a year, regardless. They will also pay utilities and food and such now as well. She gets to live for free by herself.
You get to pay for a duplicate set of everything in exchange for not having to be in that situation. They will come back and buy the two-bedroom apartment and guess who lives in the second bedroom? They might be back earlier than that when she gets tossed from the apartment they rent.
Stay far away and understand it’s not financially fair but your sanity and self-worth are worth more than “fair.”” nowaynohowanyway
18. AITJ For Not Wanting To Cosign A Loan For My Stepson?
“I, a 42-year-old woman, have been together with my husband, who is 44, for 13 years. He has two children – boys aged 16 and 21 years – from a previous marriage.
The oldest, whom we will call John, has some psychological difficulties and has had trouble adjusting to being an adult and just adjusting to life in general. I feel like my husband coddles John way too much. Anytime John has any problem, his dad jumps in and saves the day.
I know this is what parents are supposed to do, but he’s 21 – maybe he could do something on his own?
John is sick all of the time and is already on his 5th job after being fired for absenteeism and saying inappropriate things. All of the jobs he has gotten were obtained by my husband or his mom talking to friends.
I don’t think John has ever put in an application.
John’s car broke down, so John needs a ride to and from work 4 days a week… he works stupid shifts like 2-6 sometimes, and it takes 30 min to get there from where we live. John can’t afford to buy a car outright, so I think he should go get a car loan.
Have some responsibility. My husband wants me to go on the loan with him which I think his mom should do…his mom refuses. I think they both have allowed him to behave the way he does so it should be their credit on the line if he can’t be reliable.
Mom also works the same hours as John so can’t help with rides until this is figured out. My husband is arranging rides for John to get to and from work mainly by asking his parents, me, and friends.
John hasn’t picked up a phone or worked for any of it… my husband is super stressed by this, and we have gotten into fights because I don’t want to give up all my free time to take him all the time (I work four days a week with alternating shifts).
I told my husband he needs to cut the cord and make John figure something out by himself for once. He called me a jerk because I’m judging his son. So, am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“Under no circumstances should you be cosigning a loan for your husband’s son.
I know there’ll be lots of naive people on here who’ll give the ‘he’s now your family’ nonsense, but if your husband is not going to think rationally about your financial future and your “son” isn’t going to grow up, it would be financially stupid to bet on either of them.
Do understand one important thing, though: while your premarital assets are protected, if your husband takes out a loan for the sponge and it’s defaulted on, anything you’ve earned since marriage is part of the marital estate and is subject to collection on judgments against a loan your husband signed for, regardless of whether you signed the paperwork or not.” IBelieveYouSure62
Another User Comments:
“Oof sounds like just like my brother. He’s 22 and our mom coddles him. He drains my mom’s finances and she enables him and doesn’t want to admit he needs to fall so he can pick himself up …or realistically they need to finally set up disability support and just lower the bar because clearly he can’t keep up.
My brother is in and out of jobs and hits my mom up for money constantly, it’s so gross. Sorry no advice here. I’ve given my mom all the advice and she won’t change. I totally feel for you… John seems to be off-limits for you to co-parent but not off-limits for you to cosign for him?
Do whatever you need to do to not get wrapped up in that and keep your marriage safe at the same time. Good luck.” sparklingwaterforme
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sounds like a really hard situation, and your husband isn’t handling it well. Honestly, if John won’t see a therapist, maybe your husband should.
They could help him set reasonable boundaries and give their professional advice on how best to help (but not enable!) his son. It sounds to me like John needs clear goalposts, or he won’t do anything. Like, he wants/needs a car. Okay, maybe tell him he needs to be in therapy or hold down a job for x amount of time, and then Dad will MATCH his contribution toward a vehicle.
And in the meantime, he can ride a bike/take the bus/carpool. He’s never going to change if both his parents are always bending over backward to accommodate him. Personally, I’d have a hard time being married to someone who refuses to acknowledge my legitimate concerns, especially when both his kids are suffering for it.
Best of luck to you.” whatsweetmadness
17. AITJ For Defending My Selective Mute Daughter Against Patronizing Family Members?
“Last week my (37F) husband (36M), my daughter (12F), and I went to a family reunion.
My daughter has Selective Mutism, she only ever speaks around me, her father, and her grandmother (my side of the family). She’s always been a shy one.
While we were at the reunion pretty much all of the adults would talk to her very slowly, even though she’s perfectly capable of hearing and isn’t stupid.
I didn’t know this was going on because she was playing Mario Kart with some of her cousins on their Nintendo Switch in the basement of her grandma’s (same one as mentioned earlier) home.
Later that day during lunch all of the adults started talking to her like she was 3 and not 12.
I told the adults that my daughter isn’t dumb and that she can process words just like everyone else at the table.
Now this is what caused me to go into Lois (Malcolm in The Middle) mode, my brother told me that it’s not their fault she never talks and that they just thought she was disabled (she’s not) and that if my husband or I just stopped “spoiling her” that maybe she’d be functional.
I told my husband and daughter to go to the car and that I’d be there soon and we’d leave.
After the 2 of them left I let my brother and my family have it.
I basically told them that they all might as well switch places with their kids because they’re actually capable of treating my daughter with basic human respect and that they can all get lost. I then went to my car and told my husband that I was done with my family and that I was cutting them off.
Flash forward to today, I was hanging out with my closet friend, same age as me, we’ve known each other since the 3rd grade, I told her what happened and she told me that I overreacted and all I needed to do was just take my husband and daughter to the car.
Am I the jerk for overreacting?”
Another User Comments:
“Hard to judge whether you’re the jerk or not without knowing exactly what you said, but leaning towards NTJ. That being said – verbal responses and body language are how we know people understand us. If I’m talking with a 12-year-old and getting nothing but blank stares back, I would assume they don’t understand me, and simplify my language.
This isn’t malicious, it is instinctual and typically appropriate to the situation. Did you give your family a heads-up? Like is this an ongoing issue?” FacetiousTomato
Another User Comments:
“Your brother is a jerk but frankly so are you. With regards to your other family: this is difficult because it really depends on how much your family knows about the condition.
I googled it because I had no clue this even existed. Here is the thing, if someone talks to a kid of twelve and they just stare back, the first impression you get is that they either don’t understand or that they’re too shy to speak.
So I can understand their impulse to slow down their words and start talking to her very friendly (like a three-year-old). Your brother was a jerk for implying that her condition was because she was spoiled too much and that she wasn’t functional, but you also blew up at your family for not understanding something that could have been normally cleared up.
I do think this was an overreaction on your part and you went nuclear for no good reason.” First-Industry4762
Another User Comments:
“YTJ—you know what’s hilarious? You don’t tell us anything about what your daughter said about the situation! How does she feel about you speaking for her?
Or telling her to wait in the car? Or deciding she’ll never see her cousins again? What did she say to Dad when they were banished to the car? If you are so great at communicating with her why is zero of her point of view here?
As far as I can see, you’re even more guilty of what you accuse them of! They didn’t know how to talk to her and talked to her wrong given almost no information. You know how to talk to her and didn’t consult her wishes, didn’t check in after a traumatic event about her that affected her.
Look—slow and simple speech isn’t an insult, it’s an accommodation that some people need. She needs your help to translate and advocate for her, not kick her out of the room whenever someone makes a mistake talking to her.” TeddingtonMerson
16. AITJ For Not Splitting My Friends' Train Tickets After We Missed Our Flights?
“My friends and I (26F) have just been on holiday and missed our flight home due to oversleeping. We woke up and I was panicking as I had work the next day so was looking at flights. I had originally found a cheaper option which would mean us getting a cheap coach to another airport meaning that we get the cheaper flight to a different city in our country and that my partner would pick us up and drop us home.
They didn’t want to get the coach even though it would’ve worked out cheaper for all of us, so I had to make a decision and found one seat on a direct flight home which would get me in earlier. This was okayed by two of them but one of my other friends said it was selfish.
I booked the flight and then helped them find an alternative flight for the three of them. Splitting any of the costs wasn’t discussed or agreed at this point.
I left for the airport and then got a message from one of them asking if it would be cool to split the costs of all the flights together.
At first, I wasn’t sure but thought about it and decided it was fair as they got more expensive flights. My flight was delayed by 9 hours and they ultimately got home before me. They had to fly to a different city and get train tickets home for a 3-hour train.
The next day I sent over the calculations of what I would have to send each of them but they weren’t happy as I hadn’t included their train tickets, but they would’ve had to buy transport home regardless of whether we made our original flight (albeit the new train tickets they bought were more expensive).
This wasn’t a cost agreed and now there is back and forth about what I should pay as they spent more on getting home.
I didn’t choose the earlier flight due to cost, just to get home for my responsibilities as I had work the next day whilst they had an extra day off.
Now I feel villainised for doing so, although they were okay with it at the time of me booking my flight. I feel like I’ve been more than fair in splitting the flights but the train was a surprise cost put on me. Before the holiday I hosted them the night before and my partner gave us a lift to the airport which saved us about £50-£60 in airport transfers and he also paid for the drop-off cost.
Am I the jerk for disagreeing with this? I struggle to set boundaries sometimes and feel a bit bullied into this. I feel like they have fallen out with me over this, which seems pointless as we have had a lovely holiday. Has anyone got any advice on this?
I want to say no but I am struggling with advocating for myself here.
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I’m wondering why you felt the need to split the cost of their travel, when you all overslept? Since you are all adults, you are all responsible for yourselves.
I could see if you had agreed to, and paid for the original cost of travel, and then left them high and dry, how they would expect you to pay for their travel, however, none of this was ONLY your fault. I would tell them to take what you are offering, or get nothing and leave it at that.
I think you were more than generous to offer to pay any part of their travel.” MissSuzieSunshine
Another User Comments:
“OP, I agree with the comments saying that you should not owe them anything. All of you missed your flights, and at that point, in my opinion, you were each on your own to find transport as needed. It doesn’t matter if your flight was cheaper.
Ask yourself this: If your flight had been more expensive, would they have offered to split with you? I think you know the answer.” HootblackDesiato
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You had already agreed to pool the flight cost. It honestly sounds like they’re trying to guilt you into saving them money.
You all made a mistake, oversleeping and missing your flight. I did that once, though my airline was nice and booked me onto a later flight to a different city at no extra charge. I then also had to take a train to get back home.
Never made that mistake again. Your “friends” seem to want to take advantage of you. You had an offer that would have saved money, but they chose to spend more. To me, that decision was theirs, so were under no obligation to help them with their airfare costs.
You did agree to help, so repeat that offer and let them know that if they don’t want you to send that amount, then you won’t. Oh, and look for better traveling companions. These losers are not good ones.” Nice-Yogurt-6741
15. AITJ For Not Wanting Others To Use Our Second Home Without Us Present?
“I (60ish m) started working at 15 y/o and have worked since. Never had a boat, vacation home, fishing camp, etc until 2 years ago when we bought a second home.
At that time my wife and I discussed not allowing other people to use the house, pool, etc unless we were physically present as I knew this would be a potential issue.
Now she wants her ne’er do well cousin and his friends to be able to use the place regardless of our presence there, and claims not to remember the discussion about us being there.
I found this out when my security camera alerts triggered my cell phone one day while I was at work.
We’ve had a huge disagreement over this issue, as she believes I’m being selfish. I feel my house is not a country club and I’m just trying to protect my investment from potentially irresponsible people (he set fire to a neighbor’s house burning trash).
I don’t invite my friends and family over to use the place nor have I ever had any friends put me in this situation.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. One way I’ve heard this described is in the difference between a “second home” and a “vacation rental”.
You do nice upgrades and better-quality maintenance on a vacation home. You stock it with decent furniture and some of your favorite items (family mementos, good liquor, etc ..). For a vacation rental, you only do the required maintenance, you furnish it with the old furniture you’re replacing in your main home, and all of the decor is impersonal. This is your home, not some Airbnb.
Her cousin and his friends can rent a place for their vacation. You aren’t interested in the liability or hassle if someone is injured and items are broken or stolen.” teresajs
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I would never let someone with a history of destroying property stay at my vacation home.
Also never let anyone use your pool without you being there. If someone drowns you will 100% get sued by their family, lots of states have attractive nuisance laws where private pools must be fenced and have signage. That is what covers you in case some intoxicated dude breaks in and drowns themself.
Your house is your sanctuary and should not just become a party beach house. Tell your wife that no one is staying there without either of you present and certainly not a destructive relative. Tell her either she can explain that to her family or you will press charges for trespassing the next time they show up at the house.
Make sure that she hasn’t given a key to anyone and if so change the locks. I don’t care if she helped pay for it, she has proven that she will cave to her family and until she grows a backbone she doesn’t deserve a key either.” seanthebean24
Another User Comments:
“Is she the one going over there and cleaning up after they leave? Is she the one doing all the laundry = sheets & towels after they leave? Does she go over there and clean the oven and the whole house after they leave?
Is she willing to pay for the groceries they use and be responsible for restocking the pantry and refrigerator after they leave? Is she the one willing to cover the increased cost of air conditioning – people on vacation in someone else’s house with someone else paying the bills are going to use the utilities liberally.
If she doesn’t work, is she willing to get a job in order to finance relatives using your house? What is her plan if they break a window, spill motor oil on furniture, beds, and other accidents that are sure to happen? I would confront her about what happens if the cousin’s friends have a party that gets out of hand and the house gets trashed. Letting relatives have free-for-all usage of any home I owned would be a hard no.” briomio
14. AITJ For Not Wanting My Husband To Attend Law School Amid Financial Struggles?
“I am 28(f) and my husband is 38(m). He’s been jobless for a few months but just landed a 6 figure job in Missouri. Our plan has been for me to finish school, (2 more years of my engineering degree – currently doing) work in the field for a couple of years then try for a baby.
Well, I ended up getting pregnant a few months ago and in the end, we decided to keep the baby. Our decision was that I would stay home with the baby during the day (not work) and take a couple of night classes a week to finish my degree.
My husband has always been encouraging me to finish school, but now wants to go to law school out of nowhere. Mind you, he already has 40k in student loans, a home foreclosure, a recent eviction, and bad credit. We are living with my parents right now until the move because of the eviction.
He moved into a very expensive apartment and spent every dollar he earned. I had to cover everything when he lost his job and it was WAY out of my budget. I didn’t pay rent when I first moved in. I always offered, but he always insisted I focus on school.
Our new apartment will have to be in my name. On top of that, now he wants to randomly go to law school in the middle of all of this?!
I still have my FAFSA to pay for school and currently work as a server.
He will be paying the rent while I’m pregnant and can’t work – well some of my financial aid will go to expenses. Maybe I’m being selfish, but it seems unfair of him to spring this lawyer dream on me out of nowhere. Especially while newly pregnant.
He wants to do it soon because he feels old (38) but our next couple of years are going to be financially stressful enough. We have been through A LOT financially and all of it is due to his irresponsible spending. He is filing for bankruptcy soon but still hasn’t yet due to money issues.
I also don’t see how he is going to have time for a newborn, law school, and his new job. I don’t want to be a stay-at-home mom forever (nothing wrong with it, just excited to use my degree, get out of serving, and also chip away at his debt).
It feels unfair for him to add more financial stress when he caused the issue we are currently in. Our kid will be around 3 when I plan to rejoin the workforce so I also feel like I’m making career sacrifices by taking fewer classes per semester and postponing internships to stay home with the baby.
I just feel like a jerk for dissuading him from becoming a lawyer because he has always been supportive of my schooling and swears this is what he wants to do with his life.
He thinks it’s unfair for him to support me through school and for me to not do the same for him.
FAFSA is paying for my school. We would be paying for his. It’s just so annoying because we randomly get hit with a baby while I’m the only one working, he finally gets a good paying job after us struggling for MONTHS so I thought we’d be able to catch up and breathe, but then he pulls this out of nowhere?!
My question is, AITJ for not wanting him to go to law school?”
Another User Comments:
“ESH. Wow. You’re both making poor decisions. How on earth are you going to handle being a Sahm for 3 years with only his income? I feel like reality is going to hit you both very fast and hard.
Bringing a child into your situation seems super super dumb. Like worst decision possible.” Spoopyowo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It seems a lot of your husband’s bad financial decisions were made when you were already a couple and living together–therefore, they were joint problems. Then you added to them by having a baby when you knew you weren’t financially ready.
Then you added to them again by deciding that you would become a SAHM even though your husband is unemployed and you are still working on your undergrad degree at 28 years old. Engineering is a tough degree to get when you’re only taking a few classes here and there.
I fully agree with you that going to law school just seems like an avoidance mechanism that will only prolong your struggles, but there is a lot of finger-pointing here on your part placing the blame on your husband when you have contributed as well.
The two of you need to get into couples counseling that, ideally, involves a financial component. Are your parents financially responsible? If so, what advice do they have, having seen how you and your husband operate from the front lines?” JeepersCreepers74
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – and he will be the oldest one graduating in his class at law school at the ripe old age of about 45.
Law school A) isn’t easy to get into. B) takes years to complete (way more than 4 with your demographics) C) is massively expensive. Why are you still with this anchor? He’s holding YOU back from having any sort of life. He is controlling, manipulative, and irresponsible.
I mean, I’m surprised aircraft aren’t circling your house trying to land with how many flags are being waved here.” slap-a-frap
13. AITJ For Leaving A Family Gathering After My BIL Disregarded My Older Kids?
“Earlier today, my husband, our kids and I went to meet his family for lunch. We are a blended family, we have 3 kids and have been together for about 7 years.
Our 2 older children are from my first marriage they are 10F and 9M, and our youngest is 2M. When we arrived his brother immediately said “where is my nephew” although my older kids were walking ahead and he could greet them first. My husband said “they are walking towards you” to which BIL replied “I mean my biological nephew”.
I was kind of taken aback that he’d say something in front of my older kids and my husband quickly said “shut up”. And my response was “you know what, it is clear there is no intention of being inclusive of all of our children so we are going to leave,” and I left.
My husband later messaged me saying I shouldn’t have left, that BIL was drinking and didn’t know what he was saying. He said he spoke with BIL and that BIL was sorry but this isn’t the first time they make my older kids feel left out so I just told him that I don’t care for an apology, it’s clear my kids are not included in their family so I will not be subjecting them to that nonsense.
He thinks I “robbed” his family of time with our kids. But my guess is they gave him grief because I took the baby too.
AITJ for not staying?
Ps. I took my car and he took his so I didn’t leave him stranded. I just went home.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’d defend the kids too, all of them. Regardless of BIL’s immature excuses that is toxic behavior. Your husband needs to understand you stand by your family rather than trying to keep the family’s toxic status quo at everyone else’s expense except his.
The kids will remember that you put them first in these situations, and that goes a long way towards a solid relationship between you.” U_Wont_Remember_Me
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You were absolutely right to leave with all your kids when your BIL was so nasty.
I wouldn’t be too happy with your husband either, for not leaving with you and then trying to minimize BIL dismissing the older kids as unworthy of his notice. Nope, you don’t take your kids where they’re going to be subject to that rudeness and disrespect.
I’m proud of you for standing up for your children and putting them first. That strong love and reassurance will give them a solid footing as they make their way in life. Keep it up momma. You’re doing good.” Global_Look2821
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for leaving. But really after so many years, you don’t get the vibe that they don’t accept children who are not blood related to them? You just can’t force them to do it. Your husband and you are a family but don’t expect others to go along with it.
Some don’t have step-relatives in their families. You also can’t take their time away with your baby which is related to them because they won’t accept your first children as blood relatives. And looks like you going away made it more clear that for them you and your children are problems. Don’t expect them to throw birthday parties for your children or bring presents for your older children.
Sadly not everyone shares the same view. Either you accept it and build your relationship around that or make problems that may ruin your marriage relationship. Don’t expect your husband to completely go LC or NC with his parents and family for his stepchildren. Choose wisely if you don’t want your baby to not have relatives because you punish it too.
Are there also other step-relatives in the family? How are those treated like?” randomstorygirl
12. AITJ For Giving My Nephew An Expensive Birthday Gift?
“My brother (M47) and his wife (F45) have one son, Ryan (M17). I (M36) am unmarried without children, and Ryan is my parents’ only grandchild. My brother and his wife are both public schoolteachers and do alright for themselves but are by no means wealthy.
I’m an attorney and am well off but certainly not rich.
Ryan and I have always been close. I used to have a job that required a great deal of travel, and I’ve taken him to Japan, Australia, Vietnam, the Philippines, and many countries in Europe.
His parents approved of this as a way to help him expand his horizons and have never objected to me spending money on him before. However, last week he turned 17. For the last decade or so, I’ve worn a medallion featuring an Ancient Greek coin with the image of Poseidon.
Ryan has always thought this was a cool piece – so for his 17th birthday, I gave him a medallion with a coin featuring the image of the god Apollo. For those who haven’t brushed up on their ancient mythology, Apollo is the son of Zeus and the nephew of Poseidon.
I thought the necklace was a great way to commemorate our relationship – it cost about $1,200.
But my brother didn’t like the gift at all. He told me the necklace was “extravagant” and accused me of trying to “show up” him and his wife. I pointed out that Ryan got a new set of golf clubs for his 16th birthday and would be getting a car for his 18th birthday.
Therefore, this necklace wouldn’t compete with the other “big gifts” he received and would be receiving from his parents. I also reminded my brother that between airfare and hotels, I’ve spent more than $1,200 on Ryan during some of the trips on which I’ve taken him.
But my brother didn’t listen and told me to take the necklace back, saying I didn’t need to “rub (my) money in (his) face.” I refused, saying that Ryan is old enough to appreciate such things.
I don’t think I did anything wrong, but AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re literally the cool uncle. People shouldn’t hate the cool uncle. The cool uncle is cool. It’s super super weird to me that people ever feel like they’re getting ‘shown up’ when it comes to gifts, I will always appreciate people getting cool gifts for anybody around me because it’s NOT ABOUT ME it’s about the person receiving a dang gift. You’re considerate and did something nice and it sucks the dad is trying to make you the bad guy by making YOU take the gift back instead of doing it himself, probably because he knows that sucks a lot and doesn’t make sense lol.
He could politely set boundaries for the future like a normal person if this really bothers him so much.” thingsarehardsoami
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for giving your nephew an extravagant birthday gift, especially considering the close relationship you have with him and the experiences you’ve shared. However, it’s understandable that your brother might feel uncomfortable with the cost of the gift, especially if it seems to overshadow what they can provide.
It might be helpful to have a conversation with your brother about the intentions behind the gift and reassure him that it’s not about competition, but rather about celebrating your bond with Ryan. Communication and understanding can help resolve any tension between you and your brother.” EmpressKiara
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Gift giving/planning special things is the best way I can show love to family members. My niece is still quite young but both her parents don’t believe in big gifts etc. But it’s the way I show my love for her, as I have a hard time actually saying it.
I’m sure my sister knows in the future, as her daughter gets older, my gifts might get slightly more extravagant, but I would hope she would understand that I’m not trying to “outdo” her. The necklace sounds like such a lovely present (I want it lmao).
If your brother doesn’t want his kid having it, he should be the one to take it off his (basically adult) son.” spudddyy
11. AITJ For Not Inviting My Divorced Parents To My Graduation?
“This is an ongoing issue and I’m getting a lot of flak from extended family members. I don’t really regret my decision, but I don’t know if I was a jerk.
My (16F) parents divorced when I was 12.
It seemed like one day everything was great, I go sleepover for a weekend with my cousin/best friend, and suddenly I’m coming back to a sit-down discussion about the divorce. No warning, no indication anything was going wrong before that, nothing. I don’t know what happened and I guess I don’t really need to, but it might have made it easier at the time if there had been a reason.
It messed me up, not gonna lie. I stopped talking for a while and just tried to stay away from them. I was starting high school because I had skipped grades and asked to go to a boarding prep school because having to move between houses so much was miserable.
I got a scholarship so they didn’t have to pay for anything. They didn’t want me to be so far away but my guidance counselor at school convinced them it would be a good move for college and the routine and stability would help me focus.
I loved the school and boarding, it was the best. I wish I could have stayed there year-round.
So, I’ve barely been around my parents for the last four years. Usually just Christmas break and a couple weeks in the summer since I always managed to find summer programs to go to so I wouldn’t have to be there long.
They tried to get me to want to stay longer and spend more time with them but I don’t want to. I didn’t fight about it but I didn’t really participate either so I guess they gave up, plus I was working on getting early college credits during the summers so it wasn’t like I was just messing around.
I graduated as valedictorian of my class three weeks ago, but I asked my parents not to come. I would have rather just picked up my diploma from the office without the fanfare and avoided it, but the valedictorian thing ruled that out. My parents were both really hurt as they had been looking forward to it and wanted to make a big deal out of it and celebrate.
I didn’t want that and I didn’t want to see them there with their new partners pretending everything is ok.
I haven’t stopped hearing about it since and my mom’s husband told me she was heartbroken and I should be ashamed. My grandparents think I should have let them come and celebrate me because they’re proud of me.
Nobody understands my side. I’m supposed to be going to a summer internship next week but they may not let me go because “we all need to talk about this.””
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You are a badly hurt kid with an unprocessed trauma.
You would greatly benefit from therapy, because mind you – you are not a jerk, but this extreme reaction still isn’t healthy. I understand your world has been shaken by your parents’ divorce, especially when you didn’t see it coming, but ultimately, you need to accept that relationships may fail, and if they do, divorce is the best solution.
Your parents did nothing wrong when they ended their failed marriage and they are understandably heartbroken that you are shutting them out of your life. Please seek help. The wound is obviously festering, rather than healing. Keeping my fingers crossed for you.” CheshireCatsGrin87
Another User Comments:
“Have they done anything to earn your hatred other than just not being together anymore? Because of the way you talk, it sounds like you flat-out hate them and don’t want them in your life at all. I know divorce is tough, but that is a pretty extreme reaction.
Like, “if I can’t have both of you at the same time, then I don’t want either of you at all”. So like, is there more to this that I’m just not seeing? ” Fluffy_Sheepy
Another User Comments:
“I’ll be blunt. YTJ – you’re old enough now to understand (or at least I hope), that you shouldn’t be involved in your parents’ divorce.
Maybe I’m wrong, but it comes across as though you’re bitter because they didn’t give you the reason for the divorce. They don’t need to (and shouldn’t quite honestly) tell you why they did, rather than you needed to trust it was best for everyone involved. Like how you wanted them to trust you, that going to boarding school was the best option for you.
Unless there is some info you’re not providing (such as the parents bashing each other when you’re around), it comes across as you cutting them out for wanting to end something that could potentially have been a toxic relationship. You really need to seek some help/therapy if you aren’t already.
It sounds like (from your description) both parents love you and want to spend time with you, and you’re just setting yourself up for a lonely life.” RoughCow854
10. AITJ For Not Inviting My Negligent Mother To My Wedding?
“I (26) am getting married at the end of the year. When I was a kid my dad divorced my mom and she was a stay-at-home mom at that time.
In short, he felt like she was lazy and spending all his money. At the time I didn’t see it and was quite angry at him.
He had us for weekends and the rest was mom. She had to find a job and worked long shifts.
That would be fine if she didn’t forget about us. She would get home and not help us with homework or anything.
It was my job to clean everything and keep my younger brother in line. It sucked. When I was a teenager I moved in with dad and my life got so much better.
Funny enough since I went full-time and my brother soon joined she had to pay child support. She was upset about that and basically stopped talking to us.
Anyway, my invites for my wedding went out. One went to my aunt and I believe she mentioned it to my mother.
I got a call asking about her invite.
I told her she wasn’t invited and this started an argument. I told her she was a pathetic parent and she called me heartless.”
Another User Comments:
“There isn’t enough info here. I don’t know what it was like before the divorce.
Was the house clean? Were the kids well taken care of? Were all the bills paid? I don’t know your parents’ relationship but your dad sounds sketch here. This is backed up by the second part about having to take care of your brother.
She went from having all the time to care for her kids to losing her housing security, losing food security, being forced to work long shifts just to provide, and being exhausted. Then you move in with your dad and “it got better.” Well yeah, because you weren’t helping her.
She then needed to put MORE effort into making sure your brother had his needs met WHILE having less money. She must have been exhausted. And you seem to be shaming it. You’ve posted nothing else here. There’s nothing that would warrant you cutting her off.
I’m not posting a judgment because I don’t know your situation but you don’t come out looking good just based on what you’ve written.” SKDI_0224
Another User Comments:
“The amount of disgusting people attacking OP and the dad here is crazy.
This woman clearly parentified her kid beyond all possible reason. She clearly cut all contact with her own children because she was mad about paying support. Yet, all of you endlessly defend her. Not all stay-at-home moms are good people. Just stop. All of you are pathetic for defending her.
OP has plenty of reason to cut contact. We have plenty of proof that she was horrible. Quit using some assumed bias to justify gaslighting this nonsense any further.” Odd_Welcome7940
Another User Comments:
“NTJ 100% OP. The fact that I’m seeing so many comments trying to victimize your emotionally abusive mother while trying to attack you for… being rightfully angry at being parentified and emotionally abused is appalling.
OP: My mother was never emotionally there for us, I had to be the one to keep the house clean and get the groceries and take care of my little brother even though I was a child myself. And then once we both decided to live with our dad full time she decided to go no contact with us.
Some people apparently: Okay but can’t you understand what she was going through at the time? Honestly, it sounds like your dad is the issue here for… giving you money for the groceries and taking you in and being the better parent as soon as you could.
SHE WAS DOING THE BEST SHE COULD!” RGLozWriter
9. AITJ For Not Attending My Stepsister's Bachelorette Party Due To My Addiction?
“I (26F) have a stepsister Emily (28F). Our parents got married when we were teenagers, and while I’ve never been particularly close to my dad’s new family, Emily and I have maintained a decent relationship. We catch up over coffee every few months and exchange texts now and then.
For context; I’m a recovering addict of three years. I lost a lot when I started drinking like my husband and my job, it’s been difficult to get over but I made it. Recently, my stepsister invited me to her bachelorette party. When I asked where it would be, she said it would be at a club where drinks would be served. This was a problem for me as I hadn’t been in a bar or club since I went cold turkey.
I told her I couldn’t go because being around booze is a trigger for me. My stepsister knows about my recovery, but she insisted it wouldn’t be a big deal if I just didn’t drink. Like WTF. I tried to explain that it’s not that simple, and that me being around booze is dangerous for the progress I made.
And how it reminds me of how much I lost.
She got upset and accused me of not supporting her during this big moment in her life. Later, my dad texted me, saying that I had really hurt her and that I should try harder to be there for her.
Now, she’s giving me the cold shoulder. I feel like the jerk because my dad is making it seem like I’m putting my issues over her happiness. So am I?”
Another User Comments:
“10 years sober, clinic and 12 steps. If I feel good that day I will go over for about 1 hour and if it feels okay I stay longer.
If I don’t feel good, I don’t go to parties at a bar where there can be people I don’t know. My family knows, heck, the whole village knows. Really everybody understands (I think). The way I started handling this way was because my world became very small, so for the first few times I had a backup (husband) until I learned to trust myself and how to make use of the things I learned. Maybe there is somebody who could be your backup?
I understand it is really scary, but maybe you will surprise yourself! You will be always NTJ in whatever decision you make!” Medical_Remote4781
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, sounds like she’s not being supportive of your situation with booze, yet she gets upset about your not supporting her during this big moment in her life?
So it looks like she just showed you that she’s a self-centered hypocrite who cares very little about you and your well-being. She and your dad are both jerks on this one for trying to pressure you into this, you on the other hand are not.
Keep putting your health and well-being first here, don’t ever sacrifice that to make someone happy, because nobody who truly cares about you would ever be happy with you making such a sacrifice!” Corodix
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You simply said you shouldn’t attend, it’s dangerous to your recovery.
You didn’t ask her to change the plans or make demands to cater to you and you alone. You stepped aside and removed yourself so as not to endanger your recovery or ruin anyone’s time. Other than being able to tell you what to do and force you to go somewhere what’s the point of making you go?
This is her control issue not you being a bad sister. Your recovery is more important than both her bachelorette party and her wedding. That’s a hard truth for her to understand because she’s immature. Stick to your instinct, if you don’t think you should do something then follow that feeling.
Congrats on your sobriety! As an adult child of an addict who never got help, I always admire those who do the right thing for themselves and their future. You are blessed to be so strong. I’m sorry your family doesn’t understand your journey but it’s no reason to go against yourself.” ThinkReturn1770
8. AITJ For Not Wanting To Tattoo My Cousin At His Wedding?
“I am a tattoo artist. I’ve done an apprenticeship in the first year of tattooing.
I have worked as a tattoo artist for 4 years now and I opened a studio recently.
My family and I are invited to a wedding, that is taking place in another state. My cousin is marrying and we got the invitation a few months ago.
Time has moved forward and now the wedding is in a week already.
Out of the blue my cousin, let’s call him Matt, texted me with something along the lines of “You’re gonna tattoo me on my wedding day.” I was a bit confused as I never even thought of bringing my equipment, since I also didn’t plan a guestspot or anything.
(guestspot is a tattoo artist working at another studio for a few days or weeks, mostly in a different area to grow the clientele)
I jokingly asked if he had a machine, as I still hoped that he wasn’t serious. He then just asked if I don’t have one (???) and that one machine wouldn’t take up that much space to take with.
I replied that I didn’t plan on bringing my equipment, which in fact contains more than just a machine (color, hygiene stuff, stencil (that’s the purple stuff you put on the skin to then trace the tattoo with actual needles), etc) and that I’m not prepared to tattoo at a wedding of which I don’t know anything about (layout of the location, is it inside/outside and so on.)
He then said that he had planned on this and that it would mean a lot to him to both get a tattoo on his wedding day and that I’d be the one to tattoo him. Remember that this is the first time I’m hearing this.
I again tried to explain that I don’t feel comfortable with that and that it’s quite short notice as I work until my brother and I fly over to attend the wedding and a tattoo needs to be designed first, right?
He saw my message but didn’t reply.
This morning my mother called and she was furious… she asked why I couldn’t pull my act together and just tattoo Matt. I told her what I’d previously told Matt as well but she didn’t wanna hear it. She just said it would mean a lot to her and Matt‘s family if I’d do that and that it could be my wedding gift then she hung up.
I talked to my brother about it and he just shrugged it off and said “it would be nice of you though.”
I’m unsure what to do now, as I said I’m not really comfortable with the whole situation, especially because I’ve never been guest spotting, so I never had to travel let alone get on a plane with my equipment.
But is that just selfish? I mean it would mean a lot to apparently everyone and I’m just saying no?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If Matt had his heart set on this happening at his wedding then he should have discussed it with you as soon as possible, NOT ONE WEEK BEFORE!!
Jeez he knows a tattoo is permanent right? He wants you to just show up with kit in an unsterile environment and what, just wing out a design on him? No prep, no planning? All on his wedding day? It would have been better if he had contacted you and gotten the tattoo done before the wedding, then he could have revealed it at the ceremony, all healed, etc. Getting it done on the day, for what reason?
This just seems silly. But mainly, not your problem. He should have given you more notice. That’s on him. Maybe offer to do it at your shop after the wedding? Tell them you’ll look for inspiration for the design at their wedding so it can be unique to their day?” Doktor_Seagull
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s inappropriate of him to expect you to work for free at an event to which you’re a guest. Are you even licensed to tattoo in the other state? The entire thing sounds ludicrous. Tell your cousin your hourly rate (build in the PIA rate for hauling your equipment) and he needs to cover your flights and hotel.
After all, flying in a trained professional to perform a service costs money. Oh, and he needs to pay upfront since this is a special service.” teresajs
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Is there a problem with them communicating this to you earlier than a week before?
If you aren’t comfortable hauling all that stuff with you, I would just say they wouldn’t allow the machine on the plane because of the needles, or it took up too much space. He is putting you on the spot, and I’m wondering why your family is putting on the pressure.
Everyone is being very disrespectful of your personal time. Maybe you wanted to relax, not take your job with you…” Less_Ordinary_8516
7. AITJ For Not Inviting My New Step-Sister On A Pre-Planned Trip With My Siblings?
“I, 24m, am the oldest of my siblings.
My mom just announced that she is pregnant with her affair partner’s (now husband’s) baby. I have disposable income. Because of this, I like to spend a lot of it on the 3 oldest 18f, 17f, and 14m. (Throughout the story I will just call them siblings 1, 2, and 3 respectively) This will become relevant later.
My partner and I had been planning a summer trip and I wanted to bring siblings 1-3. I also wanted to make it very special for the oldest because she recently graduated and is now attending a t20 so I told her that she can bring a friend.
The trip is in 3 days but we planned to pick up them today so we can all go to my partner’s mother’s birthday party.
Anyway, I went to my mother’s husband’s house to pick up my siblings and my step-sister (15f) was there. Now for more context, my mom got re married like not even a month ago so I’ve only ever interacted with this girl like a total of 8 times.
As we were leaving my step-sister asked where we were going and when we were coming back.
Sibling 1: tells her about the trip.
Stepsister asks if she can go.
I tell her no it’s too last minute.
My mom: why can’t you take her?! If your flight doesn’t leave for 3 days you can get another ticket.
I then said again that it was too last minute.
My mom: if you have money to bring s1’s friend why can’t you bring your sister?
Stepsister starts to cry.
My mom blames me for my stepsister crying and asks again why I can’t bring her and if my stepsister can go instead of s1’s friend.
I respond with: This is a present for s1 also I’m not going to cancel on her friend.
My mom: you need to put family first.
I respond with: I barely know my stepsister and she’s not even family to me (my mom then starts crying and pulls the how can you stress me out like this I’m pregnant card.) I respond with I honestly don’t give a flip about you being pregnant when you shouldn’t even be pregnant at 42.
My mom cries more and says I need to treat all my siblings the same and it’s unfair to single my stepsister out. S1-3 don’t deserve more than my other siblings and stepsister.
I respond to that with: my stepsister wouldn’t have even felt singled out if you hadn’t made it such a big deal, also s1-3 are all fully related to me and in my opinion, do deserve more.
I left and the whole drive my mom was calling and texting me nonstop. I called her back and she started yelling at me saying that she is going to tell the police I kidnapped her kids. I told her I have text proof of her agreeing to let s2/3 on the trip and if she even tries to escalate this further I will go to the cops with all the neglectful things she has done to her kids.
For the past couple of hours, she has been basically calling me a jerk for not making my stepsister feel welcome, treating my younger siblings unfairly, and putting her through stress while pregnant. I did feel bad about putting her through stress and feel that maybe I shouldn’t have gotten so angry in front of my stepsister.
I don’t know, am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. 1. You do not know this child, whether she has special needs or if she’ll obey you during the trip. 2. This is your mother’s husband’s child. Sounds like he wasn’t there. You can’t just take off with her.
Your mother has zero authority to give permission. 3. You are not obligated to pay for nor care for an unknown child on a sibling bonding vacation.” Holiday_Trainer_2657
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Mom is totally the jerk. Stepsister is gonna be okay, she’ll learn that she will also have stuff with her family you guys aren’t invited to.
It’s just how step life works. You don’t have a relationship with her and aren’t obligated to do so especially since you don’t live there. It would have been nice to include her if your siblings approved and your mom planned way beforehand but absolutely not to spring it on you last second.” Majestic-Horse2586
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I (29f) lost half my skull and was given a very respectable amount of income. I have 1 full sister (30) and 2 half siblings that are quite a bit older and I have never lived with and don’t really know that well. I gave my 1 sister some of the income I received but didn’t give any to my half-siblings.
I never even thought about giving them anything until reading this post. You don’t even know this girl, and she’s a minor so you would be legally responsible for her.” Sad-Page-2460
6. AITJ For Sending My Niece A Book And $20 For Her Sweet 16?
“I (35F) live in the UK, my older brother (42M) moved to the US ten years ago to be with his now wife (41F).
She has a daughter from a previous relationship (16F) and she and my brother have twin boys (5M) now too.
I have only met them a handful of times because traveling is expensive but I keep in contact online with them all. It was my step-niece’s 16th birthday on Monday so I sent her a book I thought she’d like (Gideon the Ninth by Tamsyn Muir) and $20 and I didn’t think there was anything wrong with that.
My SIL got in contact with me and began to chew me out for being disrespectful and stingy, that this was her daughter’s sweet 16 and that it was messed up I’d only give her a book and a mere $20. I was surprised by this, 16 isn’t a big birthday here and I told her as much, and for a non-special birthday that seemed like a fine gift for me, I told her I’d not meant any disrespect or to upset them.
She chewed me out some more and I ended up screenshotting all of this to send to my brother and ask him what was going on and why his wife was so upset over a book and some money.
He told me he did think she was overreacting a bit but that it’s a special birthday and maybe she feels like this means I don’t see his stepdaughter as family which is ridiculous as the fact I specifically picked out a book based on her interests shows that I do care I’d have thought.
He then said if I sent him some extra money to add to the gifted money it’d likely smooth things over. I told him that wasn’t happening and that this whole situation was ridiculous, he told me I needed to keep in mind different cultural expectations.
I don’t know, I can’t imagine being this way over any gift no matter how small, and I’d certainly not pitch a fit if anyone gifted my daughters something “small” even on special birthdays. Is it really that bad I gave something small like this for her 16th?
Is this maybe some cultural crossover?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, this is a thoughtful gift. It’s absurd for your brother to expect you to send more money to “smooth things over.” It’s true that 16 is a relative milestone birthday in the US but like, there is really no reason to get this bent out of shape over it.
Not everyone goes all out for a 16th, and even if they do, it’s still absurd to be so angry about what is realistically a very nice gift that you specifically picked out for her. Your SIL is being over the top about all of this.” freerange_chicken
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The only thing that makes 16 special in the US is you can get your driver’s license. The whole Sweet 16 thing is mostly movie/TV hype and if your SIL is so upset well, that’s on her. She’s also very rude and uncouth.
What if that’s all you could afford? It could not have been cheap to send anything via international mail. Tell brother his wife is a jerk and extremely rude. Then send SIL a book on etiquette from Amazon for her birthday or Xmas, whichever comes first.” disney_nerd_mom
Another User Comments:
“OP, I do not know where your SIL was raised, but I grew up in the southern US, and my parents were very big on manners – also on folk wisdom. An old saying is that “you should never look a gift horse in the mouth.” The meaning is that it is very rude to complain about a gift. You thought enough of your niece to remember her birthday and give her a gift that you thought she would like.
No one should complain about that. I wasn’t familiar with the book title so I looked it up. It was a highly reviewed novel. I hope it brings her hours of enjoyment reading and thinking about faraway places.” Key_Plastic_3372
5. AITJ For Siding With My Stepbrother Over Our Parents' Decision To Hide Our Adoption?
“My parents met when I was 5 months old and my stepbrother was 3. My bio dad walked away from me and my mom when she was pregnant and he had no interest in being a part of my life.
His parents showed no interest at the time but did change their minds in the last couple of years. My stepbrother’s mom passed away when he was a baby and (step)dad met my mom and married her. Dad adopted me and my mom adopted my stepbrother and we were raised unaware that we had been adopted by a stepparent and that we weren’t bio siblings.
The truth came out a year and a half ago when I found out my paternal side was interested in getting to know me and I questioned it which led to us learning the truth.
I was cool with it since nobody from the bio side took an interest in me my whole life up to that point.
But my stepbrother felt way different. It really devastated him to learn his mom was erased and her family was denied the chance to be in his life. We went to therapy and after a few sessions, my stepbrother said he wanted us to be stepsiblings and my mom to be his stepmom.
I use step for him. My parents hate it though. My stepbrother asked them how they would like to be erased like his mom was.
My parents never answered. They told him he needs to understand better that they just wanted a happy normal family.
My brother told them to screw their happy normal family and screw dad for causing so much pain. He told my mom she would never be his real mom, she had happily gone along with erasing the woman who gave birth to him and planned to raise him with my dad.
He asked her how she’d like to be erased from me like that. Would she really feel loved?
My stepbrother’s 18 and I’m almost 16. He moved out and he reconnected with his maternal side and lives with one of them now. He also stopped going to therapy with us.
I still go with my parents. My parents have tried to make my stepbrother come back to us and accept that we’re a family and he can’t throw them away because of a choice they still feel was right.
My stepbrother and I still talk but I’m really the only one because he struggles to talk to our younger siblings who keep saying he should call mom mom again and I don’t think he wants to lose his temper with them but struggles to ignore it.
My parents asked me how I can call him my stepbrother after all this time and not be mad at him for his actions. I told them I get why he feels the way he does and I think they were wrong too, even though I don’t hate it for me, but I can’t make him not hate it for him.
They asked me how I could be on his side and I told them it’s because they lied and they would have continued lying the rest of our lives. I told them it was cruel and he’s right that they would hate being erased like that.
They told me I was reacting with the harshness of a teenager.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“You are incredibly level-headed for your age. I agree with everything you said. I get that they wanted him to have a traditional nuclear family, but it’s crushing to learn that his birth mother died and he’s been lied to his entire life.
That’s heartbreaking. I truly don’t understand why the rest of your family cannot see it from his POV. You’re a good sibling for standing up for him.” BeMandalorTomad
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I understand why your parents decided to adopt the other and why you did not have contact with your bio family, since they did not want you.
However, having two little kids of my own, I could not imagine my husband erasing me if I would die. To erase a loving parent who had no choice in being separated from their kid is just an awful thing to do. Denying the bio family to have contact because they lost their daughter/sister is also incomprehensible.
So imho, your parents are definitely the jerk.” Doctor_Lodewel
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Oof, I don’t how old your parents were when they became parents and I can imagine that they were truly looking for the thing that would turn them into a “true happy family” after all the loss.
But the more I think about it, I do think there is something ignorantly cruel about this, especially with regards to your father, with him keeping your stepbrother away from his maternal family. It sounds like they were always interested in having a relationship with him.
And I’m sure your step bro feels really bitter about him not having a relationship with them much sooner. One question: did your parents ever try to apologize for the way they handled this to him? I would be more sympathetic if they tried to explain that it seemed like the best option at the time, but in retrospect, they regret it because it hurt him deeply.
But the way they’re communicating to you and how they’re reacting to you respecting his wishes of wanting to be called a stepbrother, that doesn’t seem likely to have happened.” First-Industry4762
4. AITJ For Removing My Irresponsible Sister's Car From My Insurance?
“My (26F) older sister (30F) is the most immature person I’ve ever met.
She has always been a slacker but the last couple of years are really starting to wear on me. She has a son (5m) who I am currently raising while at the same time being a caregiver to our disabled mom.
I’ve had to pack up and move back home from another state only for my sister to do nothing but cause more issues by not making any payments on my mom’s bills.
My sister has lost my mom’s house, her car was repossessed and she lost previous souvenirs my mother will never see again.
The latest fiasco is car insurance, she originally drove my mom’s old car which finally quit on her. In January my sister leased a used car and because of her driving history has to have insurance to get the car.
My mom badgered me into putting the new car and sister on my insurance. Needless to say, it went up about 2k for 6 months.
Every month since I’ve added the car, there has been an issue getting the money from my sister. It’s always late, to the point they are threatening cancellation.
Last week, I finally got sick of it and I took her car off. I gave her proper notice and yet here we are a week later, she’s gotten into a car accident (not at fault) but now everyone’s mad that I removed her car but no one was willing to help pay her share and when we couldn’t afford groceries due to her late payment, no one offered to step in.
I don’t feel like the jerk, I just want to be sure.”
Another User Comments:
“This is a classic case of play stupid games, win stupid prizes. Sis needs to grow up, and it’s not your job to be her safety net. She needs to learn that actions have consequences.
Let’s make this very simple for her. No payment = no insurance. No insurance + car accident = screwed. NTJ.” snarkness_monster
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. My MIL was like this; the only time she paid a bill was when something got shut off, or she was at risk of embarrassment.
It’s frustrating to deal with, and you will absolutely go broke subsidizing a person like this. She’s never going to change unless she wants to change – which will NEVER happen when anyone else is helping/enabling her. She needs to suffer the consequences of her bad decisions.
Even then it may not change her. Just because she is related to you, does NOT make it your responsibility to carry her, no matter what anyone else’s opinion is. You are not the jerk. You have a responsibility to your mother, to yourself and to protect your future.
Your sister is acting like a leech and bleeding you dry. Stop enabling her.” TrainingDearest
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and definitely not since you gave notice! I also agree everybody who has a problem with it can either put her on their insurance or help her pay her share and if they don’t want to do that they need to be quiet.
Your sister needs a reality check and it seems she is going to have to learn the hard way if she won’t listen.” SideshowBob31
3. AITJ For Not Splitting Commission With My Mom After She Ended Our Partnership?
“I have been a realtor for over 15 years. Six years ago my mom decided to also become a realtor. I helped her with her tests and after she passed, I brought her on as a team member and helped her get leads, and until she got established I split my commissions with her.
Then I got married, and soon after my marriage, my mom decided she no longer wanted to partner with me as a realtor, not bothering to tell me. I had to find out after she listed a home and sold it and decided not to split the commission.
Meanwhile, she had been taking the commissions that I had split with her from my sales.
Anyway, a couple of years later she gets a big listing through a family member, but due to the size and location of the home, she felt it was too much for her and asked me to help with the listing.
I agreed. But I didn’t help, I did it ALL. I did the photography, I did all the necessary paperwork, and I did all the showings, open houses, and negotiations. I sold the home above price and split the commission evenly with her, even though I did all the work.
Then a year later that same seller called me directly and asked me to sell another home for him as he was pleased with the job I did on his previous home. After I sold the seller’s second home my mom found out and asked for her half of the commission of that sale.
I told her that I wasn’t splitting it with her as the seller contacted me directly and she did nothing to assist with either sale. Needless to say, that was the start of the demise of our relationship.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She stopped the partnership.
You did the work, not her. They directly asked you for more work, not her. She can’t even ask for a referral fee. Tell her to get bent and do her own work.” Start_over_dude
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. However, there are bigger issues here than just this listing.
The fact OP’s mom left OP in the dark on stopping the shared commissions from her side, while still taking shared commissions from OP says an awful lot about OP’s mom’s ethics. She’s a user plain and simple. OP is best served never working with mom again and putting her on a need-to-know basis about anything professional (and maybe even some personal).” chudan_dorik
Another User Comments:
“NTJ your mom played a little game called FAFO she chose to close the partnership without informing you and pocket her profits. She can’t have it both ways and get to keep all of her commission and expect you to still share yours.
The entitlement is real here. Also, if she had actually put in work and did a good job on the last listing instead of making you do everything maybe the person would have approached her.” duckoffthanks
2. AITJ For Telling My Jealous Daughter That Life Isn't Like High School?
“My daughter is 24 (Kelly) and my younger daughter is 23 (Sara). They both had very different high school experiences. Kelly was very social and in different sports.
Sara was very academic and had a small group of friends.
Kelly got a sports scholarship for college but soon dropped out of college after she failed multiple classes. She basically partied and did her sport and nothing else. Sara went on to finish her degree and is doing well in life.
Kelly has a jealousy issue, and I have talked with her before about it. She is never happy when Sara has an accomplishment.
Today Sara told us that she is going on a cruise for her vacation this year. Kelly always wanted to go on a cruise and couldn’t afford it with her waiter job.
In the car, she blew up saying that Sara was a loser in high school so it isn’t fair that she has all this now. She went on for a bit when I had enough.
I told her that life isn’t like high school and if it was she was the loser now.
This started an argument and she called me a jerk.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. While it’s never good to call your child a loser, you were using the word she used for her sister and in a conditional manner, so I’ll give that a pass.
I think it’s probably closer to the truth that Sara was never a loser–she was just playing a different “game.” She did what she was interested in, had close friends, and probably never wanted to be “popular.” Research has shown that siblings intentionally differentiate themselves from each other.
I had 5 siblings, and we were all very different. My closest brother, only 14 months older, was on the chess club in high school. I could never beat him at home, so I never joined. In this case, since Kelly was older and liked sports, Sara could never be as good as Kelly in sports, so she chose to focus on classwork.
Kelly was a favorite with the coaches, and Sara with the teachers.” 1962Michael
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Kelly is obviously behaving like a complete brat, and I can only imagine how frustrated you must be. But I can guarantee that Kelly is going to remember her mother (?) calling her a “loser” for the rest of her life.
That’s the sort of thing you just don’t forget. My siblings can call me a loser and it’s water off a duck’s back. Let my mom or dad say that and I would be DEVASTATED. Some things just hit different coming from a parent. There was probably a more constructive way for you to respond to Kelly.
If I were you I would definitely sit her down and have a conversation. Something expressing how YOU don’t view her as a loser, but you worry about the way she views herself and the overt jealousy/resentment she has towards her sister. Remind her that if she’s so unhappy with her life it’s on her to fix it, and hating on her sister isn’t going to solve anything.
It’s cheesy, but tell her that resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Mainly though, you just want to convey that you don’t consider her a loser.” Reddit User
Another User Comments:
“Everyone’s a jerk here – I 100% agree with what you told your daughter but you missed a huge opportunity to ask her what her plans are to improve her life today.
It was a perfect opportunity to push her towards college/trades/business ownership. We live in a time when college is not the only path to success. Even though your daughter is an adult, as a parent I hope you’re pushing her to find a path that will allow her to fulfill her goals Kelly obviously is the jerk for her jealousy, being stuck in high school and calling you a jerk.” Dlraetz1
1. AITJ For Giving My Son's Old Room To My Granddaughter?
“I have 2 kids: Kathy (29F) and Michael (25M). Kathy lives with me, pays a portion of the bills, and has no plans on moving out anytime soon. We have our own business that we operate out of our home. It’s easier for her to live here and it’s great because I have help with the bills.
Whereas, Michael lives about an hour away for work and has his own apartment. For a while, I kept Michael’s room as is. He’s shared several times he has no plans of moving back home as his job is in the city he moved to.
Kathy had a very close friend who has a 2-year-old daughter, Zoey. Friend named Kathy her daughter’s godmother as well as guardian should she pass. Unfortunately, that happened 6 months ago. Kathy’s friend was a single mom, so Kathy was granted custody. At first, Zoey was sharing a room with Kathy as she had extreme separation anxiety.
However, she’s now ready for her own room. As our home is a 3 bedroom, we don’t have anywhere else to put her.
When I told Michael what we were doing, I said I’d get a pull-out for the living room or I could get a daybed for my room when he visits overnight for holidays.
I know rooming with your mom isn’t fun, but I want to give him options.
He’s mad that I gave the room to Zoey. He says that was his room. I said I understand but he doesn’t live with me. Kathy does and pays bills.
She’s even paying more now because she feels she’s using more resources with Zoey living with us. I’d feel different if Kathy and Zoey were moving out soon but they’re not. At this point, Kathy plans to adopt Zoey. I want to help her.
My mom helped me raise my kids, her mom helped her, it’s in our culture to have a multigenerational household.
Moving isn’t an option. I can make the space more private for Michael when he spends the night (a divider in the living room).
But as he usually only sleeps here 2 or 3 times a year, it just doesn’t feel practical.
I said if Michael ever needed to move home permanently, we’d make something work. And I’d also help him with his child if he was in this situation.
He says he doesn’t want kids. I said that’s fine but this is the situation at this moment.
He feels Kathy should move out. I said I’m not kicking her out just so he can have a room the few times he spends the night.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your son feels entitled to a place where he doesn’t live. He moved out. He lives elsewhere. He pays taxes elsewhere. He pays rent/mortgage elsewhere. He doesn’t live there, he doesn’t need a room. That being said, if he sleeps there 2-3x a year, can’t Zoey spend the night in Kathy’s room (or Kathy in Zoey’s) for those few nights, so that Michael can have a little privacy?” Usrname52
Another User Comments:
“Absolutely NTJ. Not only is he an adult who does not pay rent, but he wants to tell you who can live in your house? He’s family, but a houseguest, not a resident. It’s not his room, it was his room. Many if not most people don’t have a childhood bedroom to return to; that’s completely reasonable.
You could have made it your office, workout room, or sewing room. His throwing a hissy fit shows that not only is he immature, but unempathetic. He seriously has no feelings for this child, who will now be his niece? Arrange your house as you want, including who lives there.
If he has such a problem, he can find another place to stay when visiting. I hope it doesn’t come to that, and this is just him being resistant to change at first but still reasonable … but some people feel that entitlement.” Tangerine_Bouquet
Another User Comments:
“He should tell that no-good, freeloading two-year-old to crawl to the local gas station and start begging for quarters. Maybe he can even write the sign for her considering, you know, she doesn’t know how to write. Or perhaps he can meet you in the middle, and find a nice, gently used UHaul box that the child can live, sleep and play in.
They’re making some pretty sturdy ones nowadays. With her young knees, I’m sure the arthritis won’t kick in for a few good years. And for work…I mean if those children could sweep chimneys during the great depression I see no reason why Zoey can’t get her act together and start sweeping.
Maybe your son could whittle the handle down so it can fit into her tiny hands. NTJ obviously. But if your son is going to try to reclaim “his” room that he pays no money for, then he better chip in solutions to rehome this 2-year-old because a 25-year-old needs his room to sweep in.
Like honestly, I love the entitlement to be catered to at 25 but the two-year-old is on her own. Whatta man, whatta man, whatta mighty good man you’ve got there.” slackerchic
Metaspoon Slow or Crashing?
If Metaspoon is causing your browser to crash or run slowly, please try viewing the article in Lite Mode and it should run more smoothly!