People Have Some Regret Over Their "Am I The Jerk?" Situations
22. AITJ For Not Signing Over My Dad's Fund Money To My Step Mother?
“My mother passed away 22 years ago. My dad started seeing someone new 3 months after her death. I’ll be honest, I just didn’t care to be part of that. I missed my mom, I was 19. I didn’t care to have this new woman in my life.
Let’s fast forward, my dad passed away 2 years ago. He was a first responder. There’s a fund where he gets $$ because of that.
Because of that, I got a letter in the mail to basically sign over my right to that money to my stepmother.
I refused to sign it. My brother is mad at me, asking me why I don’t trust my stepmother. She said she’ll give us the money. But I want it in paper from the lawyer. She didn’t say no to me, in fact, I didn’t talk to her about it, my brother did.
She’s just upset, she misses my dad and doesn’t really care about the money.
Am I the jerk for not trusting her and wanting to protect my family and myself to earn that money?
My dad didn’t have a will. They live in NY. NY laws say 50% wife, 50% beneficiaries.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If there’s already a system in place where some agency will divide the money and send it out to the appropriate parties, what would be the point of having it all given to her for her to then give to you?
This gives a strange sense that this has more to do with your brother wanting power over the situation than your stepmom really has a dog in this fight. I’d put more of your mistrust in him than her. Also, there might be some things for you to unpack if your only reason for not trusting her is misplaced anger around your dad’s choice to remarry months after your mother’s passing.
She wasn’t the one who needed to be held accountable for honoring your mother or being mindful of the impact your dad’s remarrying would have on his children; he was.” SupermarketNeat4033
Another User Comments:
“I’m sorry for your loss. NTJ. There must be some other way for the money to be distributed since they were asking you to waive your rights for her.
For example, the whole amount could be sent to you and you could send money to your stepmother and brother. The fund could be asked to cut 3 cheques. Sure, it would be better if you trusted your stepmother, but you don’t. You told your brother what you needed and that didn’t happen (seems straightforward to me).
It’s pretty late in the relationship to push for a change from you.” Only-Memory2627
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Reiterating what everyone else says — don’t sign anything. BUT — also report the attorney who tried to get you to sign it all away to your stepmother to the State Bar.
This is coercive — unclear if he’s asking at her request, but it’s duplicitous and unethical since you are legally entitled to a portion of the award. But the State Bar won’t know he was unethical unless you report it. Please do so — as a protection to others.” kandoux
21. AITJ For Refusing To Mow The Lawn Until My Dad Removes The Wasp Nest?
“My dad and I normally switch who mows the lawn. He does it one week, I do it the next.
He gives me 20 bucks so I normally do it without complaint. However, last week when he mowed the lawn he got stung by about 5-10 wasps. As it turns out, there is a wasp nest in one of our bushes that he didn’t notice, and as he mowed past it they attacked him.
My entire family told him to call an exterminator but he refuses saying it’s “their natural habitat” and that we should leave them alone. He wants me to mow the lawn tomorrow like usual, but I’m refusing until he gets rid of the wasps. He says that I’m being “difficult” and that they won’t sting me if I leave them alone, but I don’t want to risk getting stung.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If he doesn’t want to disturb natural habitats why is he mowing his lawn at all? But seriously, if he knows there are dangerous animals present, he can either mow the lawn himself or get rid of said animals. You have every right to not want to be stung and whilst they probably won’t sting you as long as you leave them alone why risk it if you don’t feel comfortable… On a side note, though.
Who pays their children to mow the lawn? I thought that is part of the chores a child just does…” JadeMarco
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If you wish to distract the wasps though, get a shallow dish and place it where the wasps will see it, and then fill it with soda or another sweet drink.
They’ll be as happy as Larry. You could also get an empty jam jar and spread some jam around the inside about halfway down the jar, put water into the level of the bottom of the jam and wasps will drown trying to get at the jam.
To be honest, that just generally works if you get the odd wasp coming into your home, I’m not sure how much of a dent it would make with a nest full of them. You could try a bigger container maybe.” Bimbo_Laggins
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Wasps attack when they are threatened. The sound of the lawnmower sets them off. If you are scared they can sense that and you are more of a threat also. So maybe you could tell Dad $100 for every sting. Mowed grass and lawnmowers do not occur in natural habitats.
Some people can die from one sting. Another option is engine starting fluid (ether) easy to obtain and very effective. That will probably bring out droves of scolds. Be careful because extremely flammable. But seriously now, if Dad doesn’t mind getting stung then let him be the one getting stung.” dtalok7
20. AITJ For Wanting To Call The Police On My Partner's Neighbor?
“My partner (28M) recently got a new apartment neighbor (25M). We’re in a small town, and I happen to know this new neighbor. He has a history of dealing illicit substances amongst other things, and it’s clear that he’s dealing these substances at this apartment (random visitors in and out all the time, meeting in cars, etc.)
I (25F) told my partner that if I saw the neighbor dealing these substances I was going to call the police because I know that bad things can happen if a deal goes wrong. He told me to not worry about it and we should mind our own business.
I’ve seen some suspicious activity in their parking lot recently and can’t help but worry about our own safety. AITJ for calling it in?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – you don’t even live there. You’re not a part of the community. Your partner said to stay out of it and it’s his apartment and his area.
You don’t know that person’s life or why they’re selling those substances or what they’re doing. I’m furious typing this out I can’t even get my thoughts together. Most dealers do not have guns. Are you in a city? Near a college campus? Did your partner feel safe?
If he doesn’t view it as a problem then there wasn’t a problem to begin with, but you just created one.” bishop0408
Another User Comments:
“I’m gonna go with YTJ. I completely understand where you’re coming from, but a lot of your concerns are based on assumptions.
Yes, deals do go wrong and it can be bad, but the person who would be in the most danger would be him, not necessarily you. Plus, those kinds of things only really happen with harder substances. Do you know what he deals? Because for all you know, it could be a harmless substance of all things.
And the possession charge could also be for that. It sounds like you’re jumping the gun, and you should mind your business until he’s actually affecting you. Not all dealing is what is shown on TV. It doesn’t automatically make the person a dangerous cartel member.” b0bsbugsbegone
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I don’t know what you should do here, so I can’t judge whether you would be the jerk. You certainly wouldn’t be to your substance-dealing neighbor; the question is whether it would have bad consequences for you and your partner. Whatever you decide, I would get some good locks on the doors and windows, rental insurance, and a security camera.
I’ve been robbed by clients of dealers who lived nearby – they took everything they could sell fast. The cops did nothing but take a report and ask if I had rental insurance (I didn’t). I had saved the crowbar they’d used to get past the deadbolt, but the officer barely looked at it and didn’t try to get any prints.
It was not like the movies. When I called the next week to see if they were investigating, I got a lecture about how they had more serious crimes to investigate.” ElegantAnt
19. AITJ For Asking My Partner To Help My Son With His Chinese Homework?
“My son is fourteen and currently in his first semester of Chinese. He’s a really smart kid, but he’s struggling a bit. My partner doesn’t live with us, but she does spend the night frequently.
On one of my custody days, my son asked for help with his homework, but I was useless because I don’t even know the difference between Mandarin and Cantonese. My partner, however, is 1/4 Chinese and speaks it fluently. So I suggested he go ask her.
Son came back later and said my partner told him no, so I helped him write an email to his teacher with his questions. After my son went to his mom’s later in the week, my partner told me it was inappropriate for me to tell my son to ask her for help.
She felt like I was giving her a “mom audition” and said my kid shouldn’t be her responsibility. Yes, but she speaks the language and I don’t, so I think she’s being a bit rigid. Was I the jerk for expecting her to help?”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. From your other comments, it seems clear this isn’t a serious relationship and she has expressed to you that she does not want a relationship with your child. Okay, fine. That does mean, since she has set that boundary, that before you cross it you need to ask first. “Honey, would it be okay if Billy asked you for some help with his Chinese language homework?” She sucks for overreacting with “Mom audition” nonsense unless there’s something you left out (like if you’re keeping it “casual” but you’ve repeatedly asked her to do things that would put her in a mom role, for example).
She could have re-emphasized her boundaries to you calmly. Like yes, I get why a lot of people have said NTJ—it takes a village and all that—but not everyone wants to raise a child or even likes kids, and she seems to have clearly expressed her lack of desire to have a relationship with your child.
It’s a boundary. It needs to be respected.” milehighphillygirl
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but I’m glad to see in the edit that you broke up because she clearly shouldn’t be seeing anyone with a kid. I genuinely don’t understand anyone who said YTJ. She was free to say no, that she would rather not, and that would have been fine.
But how on earth are you EVER a jerk just for ASKING someone with expertise to help out a kid with their homework? I literally helped my neighbor’s kid with an interview she had for homework in 3rd grade. Did that mean that my happily married next-door neighbor was “auditioning” me to be his next wife?
No, of course not. That’s ridiculous. His little girl had to interview someone with a cool job. I had a job she thought was cool. They live next door, so they knocked on my door and asked if she could interview me. I was happy to offer 20 minutes of my time for her education.
NBD.
The reality is that your partner had made being childfree such a cornerstone of her personality that she was unable to interact with your son in a casual way, or be kind to him just as an adult to a kid, without seeing it through the lens of, “OMG, HE MIGHT SEE ME AS A PARENTAL FIGURE.” That’s her weird psychological mess to deal with, but better not to be in a relationship with someone like that when you have a kid, because it’s a good way to make a kid feel like a burden in their own parent’s life, if they can tell that their parent’s partner resents their mere existence.
You are NTJ, but you’re well rid of her.” FoolMe1nceShameOnU
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here except the kid. Maybe you should have asked her if she’d be willing to help before sending your son to her, and I can only assume her thought process is probably “it starts with homework help, then babysitting, then this that and the other.” However, if she didn’t want that possibility, she shouldn’t have stayed in a relationship with someone who has kids, and I really don’t think it would’ve killed her to at least help this once and let you know privately she’s not comfortable doing that.
I’m sure that was awkward for your son. If you want to work it out, maybe you two should talk it out to define your individual boundaries, but it really doesn’t sound like she has any interest in being around kids, or helping raise a child, and I don’t think that’s okay for your son to be exposed to regularly.” TheBeesKneazles
18. AITJ For Not Changing My Dress Style And Not Outing My Transgender Partner?
“I (16f) am LGBTQ. My partner is closeted transgender and since she’s not allowed to present how she wants to, people still think she’s a boy.
She’s only out to a few people and those are our closest friends.
Recently, there are some kids at school I overheard talking about me, and I heard they thought I was “queerbaiting” by dressing the way I do (I’m very stylized and for lack of better terms, I give off very ‘gay’ vibes).
One of them approached me, asking me why I dressed like “a flannel lesbian when I’m “seeing a boy”. I don’t want to out my partner, so I told them to just get lost. This has been persisting for a few days now and it’s starting to annoy me.
So AITJ for not changing the way I dress, and not revealing my partner’s preferred gender before she’s ready?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Why are you taking seriously the unsolicited opinions of some jerk at school? You don’t owe anyone an explanation for your personal style and you DEFINITELY should not even consider outing your partner, which is not your place to do and could place her in serious danger.
Wear what you want to wear, go out with who you want to, and the heck with people who want to tell you how to live your life. As Dr. Seuss said, “Those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind”.
Tell your nosy classmate to mind their own business.” AMerrickanGirl
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Also, real-life people CANNOT queerbait. That’s something TV shows do by implying that a character is queer and then never following through OR by saying if the fandom does something they will make a popular ship canon.
Also counts for making the ship canon for two seconds after years of hinting only to kill off one of the characters and never mentioning it again. You don’t owe ANYONE an explanation of why you dress a certain way. Get lost with that exclusionary biphobic/homophobic nonsense.
Dressing a certain way does NOT make you queer, BEING queer makes you queer, in the closet or out. Get lost with them girls.” millhouse_vanhousen
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As a bi adult, I think these peers of yours need a stern talking-to about bisexual erasure, the hurtfulness of stereotypes (including intra-community ones), and treating real live people like pieces of media for consumption.
I don’t think they’re being jerks on purpose, FWIW, I think they’re probably just young and dumb and don’t know any better, but that doesn’t make it okay how they’re treating you. Next time they try pulling something like this on you, although “get lost” is a valid response, you might find it more helpful to loudly call them out with something like “I am not for your consumption, and my sexuality and presentation are none of your business.
Stop harassing bi girls.” And then just keep repeating “Stop harassing bi girls” until they shut up.” YardageSardage
17. AITJ For Calling My Pregnant Friend Irresponsible At Her Announcement Party?
“Yesterday I was invited to my friend’s (19F) apartment as a small get-together. Besides me, she invited two more friends. She sat everyone down with cake.
She seemed very happy and running around. Then she revealed she’s pregnant. Everyone congratulated her and gave hugs. I just stared and asked her if she’s crazy and keeping the baby?
She said I was very rude and to leave. I love my friend, I do, but she is very irresponsible.
My first reaction is she’s going to ask me to help. She already asks me to help her with rent every month. She’s currently the other woman, and the father refuses to leave his partner for her. She doesn’t make enough to take care of a baby, nor does she have anyone to support her besides me and two other friends.
It would be better in the long run if she put the baby up for adoption or have her aunts take it but they live across the country. I do feel bad for blurting it but she doesn’t think things through.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Your friend, even if she’s as irresponsible as described, might be a bad mom or might do a lot of growing up and become more responsible. You don’t know one way or the other. But if she cannot afford the child and has no plans for how to afford the kid she’s bringing into the world, she’s definitely making an irresponsible choice and that would make her a jerk to her unborn child, which seems to be part of what you’re trying to avoid.
On the other hand, a good friend speaks the truth, even when it’s unpleasant to hear. It still could have said this in a kinder way and after the announcement party, and doing it the way you did makes you a jerk too.” Huntress_of_the_Moon
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. In my opinion, pulling her to the side later on would have been the best option. Explaining that with parenting comes a bunch of responsibility that you’re afraid that she’s not ready to take on, and have given her an ultimatum “by next month, you need to have contacted the state and looked into what programs are available in our area to help with food, utilities, and possibly rent, because a baby costs a lot of money.” I would still apologize to her and then explain what I just mentioned…
She also should probably have been more prepared, but, I can also say my first was a surprise at a much older age when I still was struggling to make ends meet and without the little bits of help I got from family and friends I wouldn’t be where I am today with my family without needing help and in a good financial standing.
But, it started with the conversation I mentioned above and a little reliance on state programs to pull through to the other side that didn’t require them anymore.” ACTUALLY_noTHX
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Also, stop helping her financially! She is definitely going to expect it now with a child and the father will in all likelihood quit seeing her and deny the child.
She will cry to everyone and refuse to go after the father for help due to her embarrassment. Run away!! Her bad decisions, not yours!” OperationBright2450
16. AITJ For Not Wanting To Hold My Brother's Newborn At Thanksgiving After Losing My Baby?
“I (26F) am traveling to my sister’s house for Thanksgiving dinner and I am terrified of my brother Phil (30M), my brother’s partner Brittany (25f), and his newborn daughter being there as well and being asked to hold her.
It’s not that I’m terrified of babies, I’m just not ready to hold a baby again after losing my firstborn son when he was 5 weeks old in April of this year. His passing was unexpected as I had a healthy pregnancy until the week before I had to have an emergency c-section due to him being in distress.
Unfortunately, he suffered major brain damage during labor and delivery which caused his death.
I still can’t talk about all of the details to anyone without bawling and I get triggered easily around babies, especially around babies that I know the parents of.
I believe that I will have a hard time being around Brittany and my niece as I hold resentment towards Brittany as this is her fifth baby.
This will be the first time that I have seen Phil and Brittany in almost a year as we live in different states and they didn’t reach out at all after my son passed. So I don’t know what the interaction will be like and if I’m going to be asked to hold my niece.
Obviously, I am happy for my brother as this is his first baby and he’s really happy. I just also have that resentment towards him as well, which isn’t his fault.
So, would I be the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sorry for your loss.
That’s an inconceivable amount of pain, and I can’t begin to imagine what you are going through. I genuinely hope you have golden memories to hold onto and cherish from those five weeks and can find peace and healing in your own time. Since your sister is hosting, and you presumably haven’t been out of contact with her for the past years, would you feel better about discussing your concerns with her?
As hostess, she has leeway to set expectations for guests and interactions, and you wouldn’t have to worry about her communications with your brother being skewed by unintended resentment. Maybe ask Sis if there are some tasks you can help with that get you away from the crowd every once in a while to have a way to reset and decompress (walk the dog, run to the store for that single stick of butter that somehow got forgotten, etc).
If not, don’t feel pressured to stay in the room if it becomes too much – step outside however much you need to, it’s a family get-together, not a formal engagement.” Kaynico
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, of course, you’re healing from trauma, but you should be prepared and proactive.
Tell your sister that you are going to do your very best on the day but to please help you minimize contact and warn your brother you are not yet to the okay to hold/admire/gush over a baby stage of recovery. Not to ask, not to let Brittany ask, not to be hurt if you are quiet/subdued/not around, it’s a you coping thing.
Arrange with your sister to have a get-out clause, anything that gets you away, last-minute errands, a task that keeps you in the kitchen, walking the dog, whatever works if you need a break. And prepare your statement, ‘she’s lovely but no thank you, I’m not up to holding babies yet.’ If anyone asks, just repeat that statement until they stop.” Viva_Veracity1906
Another User Comments:
“What you went through is very hard. Being that you hold resentment please reach out if you haven’t, to get some counseling. This would be eating at anyone. It is ok not to hold the baby. Are you ready to go to this Thanksgiving though?
Being that your brother and partner haven’t reached out and you also hold resentment, this event may be too much for you. Do you have other family or friends to spend the day with? At the same time, you may even see this baby and just fall in love with him/her.
But if this event brings you anxiety just thinking about it it is also ok to not go. If your parents do not have a big mouth tell them. Maybe you can go at a later time and eat some leftovers with them. If you do not want to tell them, oh no you have a flat tire or whatever, and arrive after they leave or you are sick and just not go.” Ferret0376390
15. AITJ For Asking People Not To Gift My Baby Toys Or Clothes For Christmas?
” I made a post on social media that I’ll copy and paste here:
“Christmas is approaching quickly, and I know some of you are excited to give a gift to (baby’s name) for his first Christmas. We ask respectfully that you avoid toys and clothes as we have more than enough and are trying to limit the number of toys he has (less is more!!) If you are stuck and would like ideas please send me or (partner’s name) a message!
Thanks everyone, very much appreciated.”
My partner’s grandpa commented, “Beggars can’t be choosers.” My MIL went on a rant to my partner that people will view it as disrespectful and rude, and that people give gifts to make themselves feel better and it’s their money so they can choose what to gift him.
I think she’s offended because she’s already bought him toys, my partner said she bought him toys for Christmas before he was even born!!
My thinking behind it is we would rather people not gift him anything or gift something useful like swimming lessons or books.
He already has all the toys he needs and we live in a tiny space so I don’t really have the space for any more toys or clothes. They would end up in the charity bin. Also, he’s literally 3 months old, he has no idea what is going on, and he can’t conceptualize gifts or Christmas.
AITJ for making a social media post asking people not to gift toys or clothes?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are not forcing anyone based on the syntax here, so I don’t see why they are all whining about it. “Please Avoid”, “If you are stuck and would like ideas” – why are people so difficult?
I would LOVE to get actual ideas for gifts that the parents will be excited about, and not by the current baby trend that a dozen other people will get him. The hustle of returning the gifts to get a refund just to have what you really need is so time-consuming for parents of a newborn that people can be more considerate without even wasting any time.
Just get the idea for the gift should buy, and go to the same Amazon/Target/Aliex site you use and buy that gift. Sheesh.” edebby
Another User Comments:
“I think it could have been worded way better. It’s rude to presume you’re getting gifts.
And rude to frame it all in such a negative way. And then right after nixing the most common categories for baby gifts, instead of putting some suggestions for what you do want, you make people have to message you about it. Why? This is all so ungracious.
I mean, yeah, MIL will be put out if she already bought gifts. Is it so awful that she was excited by the new arrival and bought some presents early? I get that it’s awkward when you end up with gifts that you can’t use or keep, but part of life is learning to deal with that with some grace.
INFO: Did your partner know the MIL had already bought the gifts before you posted on social media?” wharleeprof
Another User Comments:
“It seems a bit jerkish. How many people do you actually expect to buy gifts for the baby? It basically is the same as posting an Amazon wishlist on a public forum, but making it more difficult.
Telling people to reach out for ideas. (What type of things DO you want?) Also, your partner knew his mom bought presents…..did he know you were making this social media post? Because then it’d definitely be YTJ. Who would actually buy gifts? Reach out to grandparents and maybe uncles/aunts and just actively say “We have so much stuff, so little space, Baby Meriffyndor has no idea what Christmas is, don’t them anything.” How often do you see family?
Can they be “Grandma’s house toys”? Also, you say you have enough clothes…do you in the next size up? I’m in a position where I have no space but can store a lot at my parents’.” Usrname52
14. AITJ For Not Wanting To Invite My Troublesome Stepbrother To My Wedding?
“I (26F) get married to my fiancé (24M) in April of 2025.
My dad has been remarried for 10+ years, and through that marriage, I gained a stepbrother (33M). For the past 10+ years, my stepbrother has caused nothing but issues for my dad & stepmom. In high school, he stole my dad’s car and totaled it, and ran from the scene.
The police were then looking for my dad because the vehicle was in his name. In college, he started using substances and making a lot of questionable decisions within platonic and romantic relationships. After college, he got 3 DUIs within a few years. He was then knowingly using and dealing substances.
Just 2 years ago, he was arrested for possession of illegal substances and intent to deliver AND possession of an illegal firearm. He was not jailed for these offenses. Since then, he has joined friend groups of known substance users and has resorted to stealing from people and constantly lying.
The real kicker for me was 9 months ago when my dad was in an awful car accident. It was unknown if he would live, and if he was going to live, he had a chance of paralyzation. Luckily, by the grace of whatever god you believe in, he survived and is able to walk today.
However, after about a week of his 8-week hospital and inpatient physical rehab stay, my stepbrother snuck into our parents’ house (while my stepmother was with my dad in the hospital 2+ hours away) and stole $5,000 that he knew was hidden in the house. When my stepmother noticed this was missing a few days later, she tried to contact anyone who may have been in the house, including contacting the police to report theft. Luckily, my stepbrother was friends with someone honest on Snapchat, who saw a post of his with a ton of cash.
This person contacted my father and told him what he saw. My stepmother then confronted my stepbrother, who continuously lied about the theft for weeks. Finally, he owned up to it.
Now, we are just a few months away from my wedding, and also a few months post all of these issues with my stepbrother.
My father has since cut him out of his life due to his complete disrespect and dishonesty. But now, my stepmother wants me to invite my stepbrother to my wedding. I am pretty vehement about not wanting to do so, but she claims he is “clean” and “doing good”.
(This has been the same story for the past 10 years of him being involved in substances). I think it is MY wedding day, and I shouldn’t have to invite someone who has caused me and my father pain, regardless of if he is “family”.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your day. He may be clean but he’s not made amends or rebuilt trust for the years of damage and so he’s not entitled to the benefits of having family just dive right into his nonsense again. It’s your day.
Funded I imagine by you. There’s no amount of guilt that she can attempt to apply and if she persists inform her if she held him anywhere near as accountable for how he treats others as she’s trying to hold you, this wouldn’t even be a conversation.
Ask her why the standards for how you should behave are so different from what’s expected of him. Then let her know the conversation is over.” November-8485
Another User Comments:
“”That’s wonderful that he is clean and doing well. I look forward to re-establishing a relationship with him once he is ready.
I assume that will happen once he reaches the stage in his treatment when he starts to make amends for the harm he has done to the people in his life, but I’m certainly open to hearing from his treatment/support team if they suggest some other path forward.
In the meantime, we haven’t reestablished a relationship yet, so it really doesn’t make sense to invite him to an event where we won’t be able to focus on repairing the relationship anyway.”
NTJ. Weddings are not a time to fix family issues, they are celebrations for people who are already an important part of your life.
I have no idea why there are so many people out there who think that a big stressful event is the perfect time to bring together estranged family members, but I have to assume that most of them are either naive (and can’t imagine how badly it could go) or manipulative (and see this as a golden opportunity to guilt someone into going along with a bad decision to keep the peace).
Regardless of which camp your stepmother is in, she’s wrong for asking even if everything she says about your stepbrother is true. However, I would be skeptical of that and suspect it is more likely that she is engaging in some wishful thinking or is actively misleading you.
Regardless, she is jerk-ish for not respecting your wishes.” DinaFelice
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – it’s your day. You shouldn’t have to invite anyone you will feel negatively about being there. A few months of sobriety doesn’t erase 10 years of terrible actions and hurt feelings.
I’d say something like “I’m so glad ____ is doing well and is clean. I hope the best for him but even if he is clean for the rest of his life, he did a lot that hurt myself and my dad in the last 10 years.
I don’t feel my wedding is the place for our new relationship to start. It’s too important of a day for me to be worrying about that. I’d love to talk to him after the wedding and see if he can rebuild the trust that he’s broken” or something.” Sylvi2021
13. AITJ For Sending A Group Text My SIL Approved But Later Criticized?
“I F(27) recently took my SIL F(33) to an MRI appointment. We had lunch after, during which we discussed plans for a group to a museum with ourselves, my husband M(28) (her brother), and their other sister. We had discussed it in the past, but she was injured and we had to delay planning the trip until she received her results.
She suggested a group chat to see if everyone would be able to go on 11/23. She had trouble typing due to her medications/injury, so she asked me to create the group chat.
This is what I wrote: “Would you guys be available for 11/23 to go to the museum?
Stephanie (SIL) should be able to handle it by then.” I showed her the text before I sent and she approved it.
Today my husband went to her house to help her with something. When he came back he mentioned that his sister was annoyed by the text I had sent, and she claimed that I overstated her commitment to the museum trip on that date.
My husband, who was not aware that I had typed the message out in front of her with her approval, assumed there was a miscommunication due to English being my second language. He told me that when he mentioned that to her she was skeptical because I was born in an English-speaking country, and lived there for the first seven years of my life.
He pointed out to her that I lived in a Spanish-speaking household in a Hispanic community, before returning to my parents’ home country at the age of 7. She apparently remained skeptical and changed the subject.
It’s also worth noting that during our lunch she had asked very probing questions about my immigration status and my family’s status.
My husband says that he felt a sense of hostility from her towards me for my English skills, I felt somewhat discriminated against by her questions at lunch. This seems out of character because she is very liberal when it comes to politics to anyone who will listen but my husband and I both felt a sense of hostility towards me.
So am I the jerk for sending the group text?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You let her read the text before sending it! WTAF. Perhaps she’s not recovering as quickly as she expected and is backpedaling by blaming it on you misunderstanding. That’s still a jerk move.
As for the rest of it… I don’t think your SiL is nearly as liberal as she claims. At least, not as far as her family is concerned. Reminds me of my dad. My dad says all the right pro-feminist words. Women should be self-sufficient, shouldn’t depend on men, and feel trapped…. But he was a total jerk about me being an independent, self-sufficient young lady.
He seemed to think my time at college was so I could get my “Mrs. Degree.” Friends helped load up my dorm room, but they were enlisted navy guys. “Why aren’t you hanging out with officers? They’re better prospects.” 1- they were friends, not dates, and 2- they were hauling my stuff down 4 external flights of stairs, in Florida.
Would his precious officers be happily doing hot sweaty grunt labor? (Possibly, but really, Dad!) He only backed down when he met my future husband.” Suitable-Tear-6179
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But if you and your husband feel her hostility towards you, you are probably right.
Drop the rope with her, don’t do anything for her, and refuse to make anything she asks you. If she complains, tell her you don’t want that nonsense to happen anymore. I see LC/NC in the future unless you and hubby want to be involved in her shenanigans.
Big hugs.” Mapilean
Another User Comments:
“Maybe there was some mild cognitive issue post mri (dehydration or a reaction to the contrast, which is hard on the kidneys) and she doesn’t remember the interaction clearly – and doesn’t even know it. The hostility might be a manifestation of her confusion (people sometimes mask their own confusion with aggression, as a kind of defensive thing they are not aware of.) If this is the case it wouldn’t help to bring it up.
Maybe drop the issue, if you can, and not worry about it unless something like this happens again. It is weird she was kind of aggressive/probing about your immigration status. Good luck.” peppermintsoap
12. AITJ For Keeping A Stray Cat Against The Wishes Of My Neighbors?
“I (25m) and my husband (28m) were in our backyard on Saturday when we saw a stray cat in the yard. We usually shoo them away because they stress out our (indoor-only) cat and eat the birds that come to our birdfeeders, so my husband yelled “Hey, shoo!” at the cat.
Instead of running away, the cat came running up to him immediately, meowing a lot. We were like “oh, I wonder if this is the neighbor’s cat or something,” and then noticed he was really skinny, DEFINITELY not neutered, and had a small injury on one foot.
If he was a pet, he definitely wasn’t being taken care of!
We thought maybe he was a lost or escaped pet at first, so we caught him and brought him inside to set him up quarantined from our cat with a litter box and food and water.
Humane Society is closed on weekends, so we planned to call them Monday and in the meantime put his image up on our local lost pets social media page with our email address.
Today, we got an email. Here is the exact text of the email (names changed for anonymity):
“Hi will you please let Bongo out so he can come back home? He is a feral cat but he is loved in his neighborhood. He comes to my place all the time and he stays here at night then leaves and comes back later.
– Laura.”
Laura and her sister whom we’ll call Sarah also responded to our social media post about a dozen times saying to let the cat go and asking if we got their email.
This gave us a dilemma, because like. The cat’s not her cat, right?
This is a neighborhood stray she’s feeding, he’s not neutered, he’s not getting medical care. We can’t just let an unneutered cat back out on the streets because some people would be sad he’s not wandering around in the road. There are coyotes in our neighborhood!
It’s cold at night! He could get hit by a car or something! We responded to the social media post with:
“Hi! Yes, we did get your email. In your email, you said he is a neighborhood feral, and so does not have an owner or any regular medical care (his back foot is injured, he seems to have some parasites, and he is not fixed).
He’s a fantastic indoor cat and wonderfully suited for adoption, so we’re going to take him by the Humane Society to get veterinary care, a microchip, and ideally a permanent owner.”
ABSOLUTE EXPLOSION. Laura and Sarah are now spamming the social media post threatening to doxx us and call the police on us and show up at our house if we don’t let “their” cat go.
I feel like we’re probably ethically in the right here, but it’s extremely stressful and upsetting. If it was their cat I’d never dream of not returning him, but like. He’s not!!!! They’re not taking care of him!! They’re changing the story now to claim he’s an indoor/outdoor cat, but if that’s the case, why did they email me saying he’s feral?
Am I the jerk for taking the cat?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. A lilac point Siamese unneutered male kitten would come over to my house all the time. I found out he lived across the street as an indoor/outdoor cat and that the father would kick him.
Finally, he showed up with yellow eyes and I took him to my vet. It was already too late as he had liver damage and leukemia. I told the owners that they could have him back if they paid the vet bills. They never asked again.
He died at 7 years of massive cancer in many organs. Keep the cat and find him a caring home before it is too late.” feminist1946
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and I would reverse it back on them on social media and ask if they are taking care of the cat originally.
If they say yes, demand to know why the cat is in the state it’s in when you found it, not neutered, injured, and starving and why they would EVER let that poor cat reach such a state and neglect it. That you are taking it to the vet and will be keeping the cat to care for it.
Forget those kinds of people. They aren’t even actually helping a feral cat colony if that cat isn’t neutered and is injured and starving. Actual people who help catch and neuter and spay those cats and take them to the vet when they are injured and they feed the cats.” Oddveig37
11. AITJ For Wanting To Use The High Chairs In My Art Class On A First Come First Served Basis?
“I (19F) go to an art school. I study sculpture and we have our work raised on high stands.
Most of the time, we have to be standing up so our work is at our eye level. Obviously, this is exhausting as you have to be standing up for hours on end sculpting intricate details. We do have 2 really high chairs in our workshop that make it so our eye level is the same as our work.
The thing is, some of my colleagues have written their names on said chairs and think that this makes them entitled to these chairs, even though we go to a public university (I don’t live in the US, so yes, I go to a public uni), and thus, those chairs are public property.
We all pay the same tuition. Personally, I believe that under those grounds, chairs, stands, and such should be first come first served.
However, today, when I was sitting on one of those chairs one of my colleagues came up to me and was like “I need my chair”.
I asked her if she really needed it, and she was like “yes”, then proceeded not to use it for like half an hour while I had to stand up. So WIBTJ if I took it next time she leaves and refuse to give it back because it should be first come first served?”
Another User Comments:
“Is there a lecturer or supervisor during those times you were on your sculptures? Ask them what’s with the chairs and if you can get more in the room to accommodate more people. Basically don’t take it only up on yourself on the “no one should put names on the chairs”.
I totally agree with you and NTJ on this situation. Just bring someone in with some authority to put an end to it before it escalates.” CupcakeMurder86
Another User Comments:
“You should get your professor or lab instructor involved here. If it’s public property everyone needs to share.
And if the sharing isn’t being done equitably the uni needs to enforce it somehow (like a rotating schedule where everyone has time to sit during the class period) This happened a lot to me in my ceramics classes (public unis also, but U S.) because we had some entitled mostly older students (like continuing ed.) who would come in super early and take up entire tables, extra boards, and basically everything decent that wasn’t nailed down for themselves and leave nothing for the rest of us.
And then get super snarky if anyone used “their” stuff for even a second. I wish I’d been bold enough to speak about it back then because it was truly inappropriate.” Korike0017
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Does the university know these people are effectively defacing public property?
If someone has been standing for over an hour when you’ve been sitting and politely asks if they could use the chair that would be different. Unless they bought these chairs (as in brought them in after buying them at a shop) then they are not their chairs rather the chairs.
Next time either say they can have it when you’re done or nearly done and if they make a fuss either ignore them or suggest in the future they bring their own, or bring one to keep at the studio. Edit for people talking about people who sometimes need chairs: As a disabled woman, if I went to a place where there weren’t enough chairs I would bring my own.
I assume (forgetting ableism) that if my lecturer knew they’d always make sure I had one or they would assign one to me and let people know. Like they could use it if I wasn’t there but technically it’s there for me. So if any of your colleagues need a chair for health reasons (I know this one doesn’t) that’s different but it doesn’t sound like that’s the case.” Eriks-Rose
10. AITJ For Being Upset About My Roommates Constantly Having Overnight Guests?
“I (21m) rent a place with 2 other guys (22M and 21M) in college. I am not close with either roommate, and the only reason we live together is because a mutual friend helped us both get connected. I didn’t have a place to rent for the semester, and neither did they.
Over the past month, the roommates Alex and Connor, have had overnight guests 3 times so far. Ordinarily, I wouldn’t mind if they just visited for the evening, but their guests take up the entire living room and kitchen and I feel as though I cannot even leave my room to go downstairs.
Not only that, but they are somewhat loud, and I always get blocked in the driveway, which is a huge pain when leaving for work. Alex also tells them to use our bathroom to shower in the mornings, so I have to wait like over a half hour just to get ready.
The first time they were having people over, no one bothered to tell me, so when I got home in the late-night hours (I work part-time as a delivery driver and got off work late) I walked in to see like 3 random people asleep on the living room couch, and being as late and dark as it was, I was NOT expecting to see people there.
Also, I asked Connor the next day to please tell me when they plan to have people over next, and he didn’t even seem to care that I felt “trapped” in my room or that they blocked my car in.
Since then, they’ve had guests over twice more, and I guess technically he tells me beforehand, but only like an hour or two prior.
I really just do not at all like having random people over, and I am frustrated that this is like the third time in the past month that it keeps happening, and I know it will only continue. The guests while being all loud too, always end up staying the entire day the next day and it is always on the weekends, so I can never enjoy any peace and quiet on the very few days I don’t have class or work.
I really want to say something to the roommates, but I know they will just say I’m overreacting and that it’s not a big deal. AITJ for getting furious at them for always having random people over, even though I never voice my frustration?”
Another User Comments:
“Having random people stay the night in the living room is crazy lmfao. NTJ but you need to speak up for yourself and start being more assertive about your own space. Tell them to keep it down when they start being loud, use the communal spaces even if they’re there, asleep or not it’s your space you pay for, tell them to stop blocking your car, knock on the bathroom door when they take too long in there, they don’t live there, you do and you shouldn’t have to accommodate random people that don’t respect your living space.” NoRepresentative543
Another User Comments:
“If they were overnight guests that were staying in the person’s room, that would be different. But, barring emergencies, all housemates should have to agree before guests stay over in communal spaces for exactly the reasons you listed. It absolutely makes you feel like you have to tiptoe around your own home, or that you don’t have free use of the communal spaces you pay for.
As for using amenities, the people who pay rent should have first use of bathrooms, kitchens, car spaces, etc. Guests should either get up early or go last. That would just be polite (by them and your housemates). If it was once in a blue moon, like after a house party to celebrate a birthday, etc, then I’d say maybe you were being a slight jerk because saying something would be an overreaction.
But 3x in 4 weeks is the start of a pattern of inconsiderate behavior. NTJ and you definitely should say something when no guests are present to nip it in the bud.” wrenwynn
Another User Comments:
“Gentle YTJ I’m afraid. Realistically, OP, in a shared house where the majority are fine with guests staying and parties, etc, you are the one who will need to adjust your approach or move out.
Their socializing sounds pretty normal to me (as an extrovert who likes to see friends a lot). It is as you say, their house too. There is nothing wrong with wanting a quieter lifestyle without lots of people you don’t know traipsing through your house, but you need to find roommates who share those values or a house where the landlord states those as the house rules.
It’s unfortunate that you have found out that their roommate style is not compatible with yours only after moving in, but the best thing to do is start looking for somewhere else to live.” Sati18
9. AITJ For Refusing To Harbor My Fugitive Best Friend?
“I (female) have a bestie (male) of over 22 years. And we are thick as thieves (in the concept of he had my back I had his.) So one day he messages me asking me to stay over at my house.
Normally I’m okay with my bestie chilling with me for a few but not a sleepover.
Well, he asks if he could stay over because he’s on the run. I told him no because he needs to go ahead and turn himself in (also I have roommates).
So he told me I was not a real friend to him. That I don’t know what he is getting into. And I told him I’ll pray for him. Cause I don’t wanna lose my job or anything I worked hard for.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Any half-smart Johnny Crim knows that the cops always look with partners, best mates, and mothers. The order may vary, the list never does. This cat might be your best friend, but some days the best service we can do for a friend is letting consequences catch up.
There’s a certain kind of dude that’ll only be able to listen once he’s bounced off the bedrock a time or three. For some people, consequences are their only hope to make old bones. Even if that’s not the case, a true friend in his right senses wouldn’t ask you to risk your freedom and maybe your life like that.
Friendship is about helping each other, protecting each other, being honest with each other, not asking the other fella to risk a fall. Friends offer felonies, they don’t request the darn things.” VrsoviceBlues
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Knowingly harboring a fugitive is a crime in a lot of places.
So your best friend was asking you to break the law so you can, what, buy him more time away from the inevitable point where he’s apprehended? Sometimes being a real friend to someone is telling them no and reinforcing your boundaries.” inturnaround
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is wild. I have known my best friend since the day I was born. We are very different people. I am much more adventurous and wild in my antics. I have actively kept her away from those activities and consequences. She knows about them – she is my rock – but I would never bring trouble to her door because I know she would fight tooth and nail for me even if I didn’t deserve it.
Your friend isn’t your friend if they aren’t thinking of you when doing or asking something of/for you. A best friend should be doing this 10-fold.” ThassophobicPlatypus
8. AITJ For Being Upset That My Family Gave Away Our Bikes After My Dad's Accident?
“A few weeks ago my dad had a pretty bad crash.
He’s 52, so his bones are different than mine and he unfortunately did not break his fall well. He got 9 broken ribs, collapsed/broken lung, broken collarbone, and head trauma.
For context we ride a lot, usually through mountains, although we didn’t crash going downhill, my dad was still going fast (30mph) when he crashed. I had fallen separately around 1 1/2 years ago, I only suffered a concussion (although it was worse than Dad’s) and was discharged within 12 hours.
My dad was admitted to a hospital for a little over a week and now he’s in a rehabilitation center which will help him walk and get back to normalcy.
When he was in the hospital, family members from all around the country flew in to see him, and his sister seeing him in an unconscious state (post-concussion you sleep A LOT) was enough for her to GIVE AWAY (with mom and grandma’s permission) all 3 of MINE AND MY DAD’s BIKES.
For context, my dad was riding a SL7 Tarmac and I was riding a Caledonia-5. Including my old bike, I’d say we lost at least $10k that we could have made selling them. It isn’t the money though, both of my parents are well off, and that’s why they could afford it in the first place.
My dad is currently in no position to do anything about this decision, so it just leaves me here to pick up the pieces. So I’m wondering what y’all think of the situation, I personally think my mom/aunt/grandma have no authority over a hobby they deem “dangerous”, especially given I’m an adult.
At the same time almost losing your husband/brother can’t be easy at this age.
Before anyone asks no I’m not going to go after her, the bikes are already gone, and making a bigger deal of it to her which at this point she can’t do anything either would just be silly.
I live with my parents so they can still pretty much control me even though I’m 18. In community college and I live in a high-income area so I can’t just survive off min wage once I do start working too.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, however, I disagree with you characterizing this as not accepting your bikes being given away.
Not accepting would be telling them they either need to get them back, giving you their value, or replacing with another one. You’re not asking for this nor are you willing to pursue your legal options. So you are accepting it, just not being quiet about it.” ApprehensiveBook4214
Another User Comments:
“Hey, I remember two of my patients that had motorcycle accidents. 1: lost his left arm and leg. He wasn’t going fast some car didn’t pay attention and hit him. 2: a woman (40s) who had been riding on the back of her dad’s bike at 100 miles an hour.
Brain damage. Both patients’ lives were never the same and neither rode a bike again. Say thank you and find another thrill that won’t cause such pain when it goes wrong. Mountain biking is fun and still dangerous, also some of those bikes are more expensive than a motorcycle.
NTJ but neither is your mom who loves you and your dad.” BlueGem41
Another User Comments:
“They are clearly legally in the wrong and committed an absolute FELONY, yet you don’t want to take ANY of the CRYSTAL CLEAR and OBVIOUS avenues to resolve this issue (including demanding full reimbursement for your bike, getting them to have it returned, or filing a police report), so I don’t know why you are here.
Unless you want us to pat your head and say “There, there, no you’re not a complete doormat.”” LawyerDad1981
7. AITJ For Avoiding A Coworker Who Constantly Asks For Personal Favors?
“I (26F) have been working in an office environment for a year. Over the course of this year, my coworker Stan (37M) has been asking me for personal favors no matter how many times I refuse.
Favors like rides to work, dog watching, dropping the car off at the mechanic, house sitting, grabbing lunch, etc. Personally, I have a hard time saying no when people ask me for favors. I love helping people and want to be nice. But I also recognize there are people who will see that in me and use it to their advantage.
The favors started small, “oh are you grabbing lunch? Can you pick me up something too I’ll Venmo you?” Or “Do you have any meetings in the next hour? My car is in the mechanic just down the road, can you drop me off real quick it’ll only take 5 minutes” “Do you have any plans for the weekend?
I need to fly out for a work trip could you watch my dog? I’ll pay you here’s her schedule it’s only for a few days and you really only need to take her out 3 times a day”
I started noticing that he would set me up for a favor.
He would first ask a general question to see if I’m busy or where I’m going, then small talk about it then strike. Why is he trying to corner me and make it harder to find an excuse to say no? And he’s gotten me to do a few favors because of that!
A few times I’ve been so caught off guard that I didn’t know how to say no.
On one hand, I do feel bad for the guy. He’s married but his wife moved to another state an 8-hour plane ride away. And he doesn’t seem to have much friends.
Soon after his wife moved I was looking for a place to rent and he tried to get me to move in with him. I immediately said “Yeah no that definitely won’t work. My partner wouldn’t like that.” And Stan said, “well he’s more than welcome to come hang out too but I get it”.
As if a married dude asking a young woman to live with him isn’t weird at all…
My partner hates this dude. He knows him through sports outside of work and has warned me that he’s a leach. My partner also got really upset when he found out that I gave Stan a ride once.
So now I try to avoid doing any favors for him. But sometimes I will be literally walking out the door and Stan will say “oh sweet are you getting lunch I’ll come too!” and start walking with me.
I’ve never watched Stan’s dog. But lately, he’s been pressing hard for me to watch his dog.
He’s asked me 5 times in the last couple of months. He’s also making comments to other coworkers all the time when I’m around about how he wishes someone would watch his dog and how he really needs to go on work trips. It makes work feel tense and uncomfortable.
His desk is right behind mine.
I just wish he would leave me alone and never ask me for anything again. I try to avoid talking to him but it’s pretty difficult when we work so closely. I feel cornered. How do I get out of this?
I don’t want to involve HR and make a big deal out of this but it does bother me.
AITJ for avoiding him?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Stan needs to learn about boundaries and how the people that he works with are not his family and so, he doesn’t have the right to pressure or insinuate them into doing things for or with him.
I would simply look him in the eye and say “I believe you misunderstand our relationship. I don’t have time to do things for you in my off time, please stop asking” and then offer rover.com. Address him directly and don’t give him room to misunderstand.
Even better if you do it in front of human resources.” Remote-Physics6980
Another User Comments:
“”I don’t know if you realize this, but you ask me for favors a lot. Often the kinds of favors you might ask an assistant to do for you. I’m sure you can understand that as a young woman in the workplace, this has the potential to minimize my professional achievements and give me the appearance of being ‘just’ a secretary.
Especially since I’ve never observed you asking a male colleague for these types of favors, it really just plays into gender-role stereotypes. I’m going to have to ask you to completely stop asking me for personal favors, and to keep our relationship purely professional.”
NTJ.
Stop treating this like each request is independent. This is a pattern, one in which he is strategically creating situations where it will be hardest to turn him down. That’s inherently manipulative, even if he doesn’t have ulterior motives (and frankly, I think it’s likely that he is interested in you).
So it’s time to call out the pattern directly. Then if he continues, I would go to HR. In my state at least, this would be harassment if he were to continue after being asked to stop since he gives every appearance of directing these requests to you due to your sex.
If you really struggle with saying no, you could go to HR first…but I would really encourage you to speak up first. Depending on the specific laws in your state, they may be reluctant to intervene if you’ve never made the request to him directly, and also, I suspect you will feel more empowered if you speak up for yourself.
Good luck. And no matter what path you choose, he is the jerk, and you are not.” DinaFelice
Another User Comments:
“You are NTJ. The thing about boundaries is that they aren’t rules we set for others, they’re rules we set for ourselves.
And it’s ok to have a rule for yourself that you don’t do favors for people who go to the well too many times. That doesn’t make you a bad person. It makes you a person who knows her own value and values her own time.
Try this on for size. Next time he asks you for a favor, even after he’s set you up to have to say yes — just say, “no. Thanks for asking but I’m doing this new thing where I say no to anything anyone asks me this week.
It’s to help me sort out better boundaries and not get so burned out. See you later.” And walk away. You don’t need an excuse to say no, you don’t have to help find him an alternative, and you don’t have to ever think about it again.
Then enjoy your day! The following week if he asks for something just say, “it worked so well for me last week, I’m going to keep it up. Thanks for asking.”” rt_gilly
6. AITJ For Asking My Friends To Pay For Their Share Of The Dinner They Invited Themselves To?
“A few days ago two friends (M32, F31) came to my (F31) house (they invited themselves, I didn’t suggest it).
I bought some wine and snacks and also some sweets for dessert. Before they came I told them that we would order some dinner as I didn’t feel like cooking. I paid for the dinner and when it arrived we split it equally and I told them how much they had to pay me (it was about 50€ between four people, not a big deal).
One of them said something like “but you’re inviting us to dinner, right?” to get out of paying me, but I said no and he repeated the same thing about two more times, laughing.
The next day, I reminded them that they had to pay me, but they didn’t answer me and they didn’t pay.
The third day after dinner I reminded them again (and already feeling bad about it, because it wasn’t a lot of money but I don’t like being laughed at). That’s when they both got mad at me, telling me I’m stingy, a penny pincher, and a few other things.
I don’t think it’s my problem to ask for MY money, other times I’ve invited them or we’ve gone out for a drink and I’ve paid, but on those occasions, I do it because I feel like doing it and it’s my decision. When it’s the other way around, they count every cent and they’re the kind of people that if they order water and you order Coca-Cola at a dinner, they’re going to take it into account so they don’t “pay too much”.
We are all in our 30s and have jobs, so it is not a problem of them being short of money. Besides, they are the only two friends with whom I have these kinds of “money problems”, since the rest of the people usually pay when they are supposed to.
Anyway, they manage to make me feel the bad person here so I need to ask, am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“The only 2 ‘friends’ that you always have money problems with. There is your answer – They are not your friends – they use you for freebies.
Don’t invite them. If other friends invite them, don’t pre-pay anything for them. Expressly ask for separate checks. If they protest, declare – well if you 2 actually paid for things every time I wouldn’t have an issue .. Grown adults shouldn’t expect other hard-working adults to always pick up their tab.” OldGmaw2023
Another User Comments:
“NTJ!! It would be one thing if you invited them over for dinner- but you didn’t. They invited themselves over and you were kind enough to provide wine, snacks, and dessert. The least they can do is pay you back for their portions of the meal. Good luck getting your money back!” hat1177
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If the rest of the friend group feels the same way, y’all might need to simply start excluding Larry the Leech and Minnie the Moocher. Don’t invite them to hangouts, don’t allow them to drop by (you’re always “just leaving” if they show up), and remove them from any group chats.
People like these will get greedier and greedier as long as no one yanks on their chains HARD. Do they have ANY redeeming qualities? Or are they just left over from past friendships?” CrazyOldBag
5. AITJ For Not Reaching Out To My Estranged Father Diagnosed With Cancer?
“Recently, my father was diagnosed with kidney cancer. I found this out from a stepsister who messaged me out of the blue one day. She suggested I reach out to my father to let him know I was thinking of him. The whole issue I had with this is that I haven’t heard from or spoken to that man in over 5 years.
This excludes a chance encounter at a grocery store. He barely recognized me. The conversation was like having one with an old acquaintance. There was no “I love you” or “I miss you”. The whole encounter had me in the frozen foods having a mental breakdown.
I cut him off when he chose his manipulative and abusive (to me and my sister) wife over his kids.
Besides the grocery store, the last conversation we had was about his wife calling my sister a lying witch when she tried to tell my father that his wife was accusing me of being a thief.
This was the nail in the coffin of our relationship with our father. He was already on thin ice by missing the birth of my sister’s son because of his wife.
Anyway, the message about his cancer sent me through a wave of emotions. I was angry with him, but I didn’t want anything bad to happen to him.
I told my stepsister if he wanted to talk he could message me. She messaged me back 2 days later saying I should message him. I told her I was tired of being the one extending the olive branch. I was his child. I didn’t get a reply, but I was removed from the group chat about his health.
I feel slightly guilty since cancer is a serious diagnosis. I’m just wondering…. am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Stay NC with that man. He is a sperm donor, not a dad if he can treat you like that. He chose to cut you out of his life in favor of an abusive “Dollar Store Mom” so you have ZERO obligation to make the effort he is just plain unwilling to put forth himself.
A lot of people will guilt you about the fact he has cancer. The thing is, he could just as easily die in a car accident, home fire, fall in the shower, etc. and he has still chosen to ignore you. It’s okay for you to excise the negativity that is your sperm donor from your life.” EatswithaSPORK
Another User Comments:
“My father and I were estranged for many years. My brother managed to finally get us into a conversation. I was so happy that we had a great talk and hopeful that we could have a reconciliation. Shortly after, my dad at age 60, had a massive heart attack and died. My hopes died also.
I was thrown into a mental tailspin and sought counseling. I couldn’t handle the fact that I loved him but didn’t like him after years of emotional and physical mistreatment. What I learned was that he was the adult and parent. I was the child.
It was HIS responsibility to provide a safe, loving, and supportive relationship, not mine. She told me there was no cause for my guilt and my feelings were valid. I took a while to process and allow my brain to come to terms with this.
We cannot allow the actions of others to shape or control us. I no longer feel any guilt. I have let go of what could have been and accepted what is. Best wishes to you.” Marykk10
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The man who fathered me was nothing more than a sperm donor to myself and my siblings.
Family court in the way back required us to participate in visitation. It was, to say the least, traumatic for all of us. As soon as we were old enough, our mother made sure that visitation was changed to “voluntary” on our part. We seldom saw him again after that.
The reason I bring this up now is that we were notified earlier this year that he had died. He had created a trust in which he very specifically disinherited all of us. We shrugged our shoulders (we would each have received a six-figure inheritance otherwise) and went on with our lives.
However, old wounds were reopened and I have spent several months fighting with the underlying sense of fear and panic that the memories bring. So I totally understand your freak out in frozen foods. I would have been the same in your position. Back on topic, you don’t owe him anything at this point.
Your father made it clear where his priorities lay, and it wasn’t with you and your sister. Hold together with her and stay strong.” BunnySlayer64
4. AITJ For Refusing To Let My Wife Spend My Bonus On A Gift For Her Wealthy Friend?
“My wife has known her best friend since middle school. Her friend is a lawyer and her family is quite well off.
She makes a lot and is pretty generous with it. My wife has had a few things paid for by her. Specifically, she covered my wife’s portion of her bachelorette trip. The other friends didn’t make much and so she covered it. She also paid for a portion of my wife’s rent twice and she normally pays the bills if she and my wife go out for food.
This friend is now marrying a doctor and I don’t think they have any trouble with paying for anything they want. My wife is a SAHM and I’m a mechanic. I brought home a bonus of $3k and when I told my wife she immediately started talking about getting her friend a really expensive necklace from this brand she knows her friend really wants.
She showed me and the cheapest necklace is $2k on the website. She insisted I should spend the bonus on a wedding gift for her friend. I shut her down and told her it’s my bonus and she really could not expect me to buy her friend something this expensive.
I don’t think wedding gifts even exceed $100. She began fighting with me saying I buy lunch out of the house and I have stupid hobbies that cost a lot of money so why can’t she spend some money like buying her friend a necklace?
I do spend a bit on my hobbies and I have 2 cars but I also work my backside off and her friend can definitely pay for it herself. She is marrying a doctor and they already have a house whereas we are still renting! I told her she is being insane and she insists we sit down and tally up everything I spent on myself in the last year and if it’s higher than 2k I should pay for the necklace.
I think it’s ridiculous to compare the 2 and I’m refusing to let her buy her friend a ridiculously expensive gift. She insists her friend has spent a lot on her and I also saved money because her friend pays for meals and activities whenever they hang out so she doesn’t have to spend our money.
I get that the lopsided relationship isn’t the best but then she should refuse to do anything that costs too much and let her friend decide if she wants to just hang out without doing anything that costs money. She refuses to talk to me now and I’m wondering if I’m the jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“Not the jerk for refusing to buy your wife’s friend an expensive gift that’s more than half of your 3k bonus. Potentially the jerk for what sounds like an uneven distribution of money and/or input on how it’s spent.
When the spouse is a stay-at-home, the breadwinner can’t lay total claim to income. “My money” vs “our money”. Supporting your stay-at-home spouse requires more than just ensuring their bare necessities are covered while you spend unilaterally on expensive hobbies and multiple vehicles, then complain about renting instead of owning your home.
Your wife has a valid reason to question your cumulative ‘fun money’ expenses. If you’re legitimately concerned about whether you’re the jerk, you should oblige her and tally up everything you’ve spent this year on yourself. You may find that she’s right, you spend big on you and she gets scraps.
Some would consider that financial abuse when factoring in the power dynamic play. As the breadwinner, you hold all the leverage.” RandomDerpBot
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. As said in other comments, you don’t give your wife any money of her own to spend on herself or whatever, she has to discuss nonessential purchases with you, she has no money so her well-off friend pays, and yet you impulse purchased a car without discussing with her.
If you had been giving her $100 a week to spend on whatever she liked, maybe she would have saved $2000 to spend on her friend… but she can’t because you keep her a beggar. When someone is a stay-at-home parent and homemaker, while the other partner works outside of the house… that is not individual money.
That is shared money! She is working at home, so you can work out of it, and that wage is hers too. Sure, your bonus can be your own… but maybe this time, your wife gets the bonus to make up for the fact that you haven’t been treating her fairly financially for as long as she has been home.” Capital-Temporary-17
Another User Comments:
“ESH. Spending $2000 on a wedding gift is a bit much, even for a great friend, but you are excessively controlling. Your wife has no capacity to make additional income while (I assume) raising your kids. Instead of acting as a partner, you’re controlling her spending.
If she had an income, she wouldn’t need to run personal purchases by you. The only reason you can make an income to spend is because your wife (presumably) raises your kids. You’re either in a partnership or you’re controlling, but if you’re dictating all her personal spending, it’s the latter and unfair to her.
She is entitled to economic freedom and you’re responsible for providing that if she’s a stay-at-home parent.” giantbrownguy
3. AITJ For Being Upset That My Husband Won't Take Time Off Work For My Surgery?
“I (26F) recently found out that I have a mass on my tonsil. My doctor immediately opted for a tonsillectomy. It could be cancer, so he wanted to get it out as soon as possible. I have had cancer once before.
My husband (27M) works all the time.
He almost never calls off, and recently got another job. My surgery is scheduled for a day that he works. He told me that he was not going to be taking me because he has to work. I don’t have a way to get there, because I cannot drive myself, and I’ve had to ask friends to take me.
They are not able to, and I’m pretty introverted naturally so I don’t have a ton of close friends in general. I have two close friends who live here, and one doesn’t have a car. I don’t really have any family that is close enough to be able to.
I’m struggling to find someone in time. I also need someone to stay with me for the entire first 24 hours (to help me manage pain meds while being high on anesthesia and making sure there are no complications from it basically), and he says he can’t because he has to work.
They are wondering why he won’t take a day off work and especially why he won’t take a few days off so he can help me out if I need it as I’m coming off the anesthesia. This upset me so much that I haven’t even been able to look at him or speak to him for the past 2 days.
He told me I’m the jerk because I don’t care about his job, and he called me controlling for getting upset and ignoring him. I’m starting to think maybe I am a bit of a jerk here. So, am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is the partnership part of marriage. You do need to talk to him and let him know calmly that you need someone to step up and help you out. Let him know clearly that this is something you expect him to do.
If he absolutely can’t, what reasonable solutions does he have for this? This is a learning experience, you are learning about your relationship. After your surgery, you should seek out counseling for yourself. You may need help in deciding how to approach the breakdown in your marriage and strength to make decisions that you can be happy to live with.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“First NTJ. Second, I’m not sure you are aware of how bad this surgery is for adults. My wife got her tonsils removed a few years back at about the same age as you. Adult tonsillectomies are absolutely awful. You will need someone to manage your pain meds and make sure you take them on time every time so you don’t fall behind (They will be opiates and so you might be foggy).
Your husband needs to take the WEEK off, he needs to be there to make sure you can recover. Make sure you stock up on stuff like jello cups, canned soup, ginger ale, and whatever you like to eat when you have a sore throat.
My wife’s throat was so sore that she used the text-to-speech function on her phone to talk to me. Tell your husband that you will NEED him. Recovery is going to be a beast. Good luck, get well soon.” Otherwise-Elk-36
Another User Comments:
“INFO: Does he actually have time off available to take (you said he had a new job)?
Would both of you missing work seriously financially impact you guys since you’ll both be missing work? I’m hesitant to label him the jerk if you guys seriously need the money, especially if you’re in the US and have crappy/no health insurance and these medical bills get expensive fast. Of course, it would be ideal if he could take time off to drive you and care for you, but if that will put you guys in dire straits financially, I can understand why he might not be able to.
Single people have medical procedures all the time without someone who lives with them to care for them. There are options out there to be utilized if he really can’t afford to take time off. If he just doesn’t want to, that’s a whole other story and would definitely make him the jerk and should signal you to rethink your marriage.” Hufflepuffknitter80
2. AITJ For Buying My Own Dress After My Mom's Hurtful Comments?
“I (19F) have a wedding to attend of some friends of my partner. My mom (51F) offered to help me get ready.
For context: my mom is gorgeous. She used to model, she has always been incredibly beautiful and she has an awesome body. My two brothers (33 and 31M) take after her and are both handsome men.
I am the only daughter, and as such, I think she expected someone like her.
I am not like her. I was very thin when I was a kid, but I was a tomboy and hated everything feminine. Then puberty hit, and I gained a lot of weight.
I’m not obese but I am your average chubby person. 77kg at 165cm: overweight but not overly so I guess. Also, I don’t look a lot after myself in the sense that I don’t really go out of my way to do skincare, makeup, etc.
I love my mom, and she does truly love me, but she isn’t a kind person. All through my teenage years, she made a lot of harsh comments about my appearance and my weight. I’m a sensitive person, so this used to affect me a lot.
I can usually take criticism fairly enough if it’s phrased nicely, but I can’t take it if there’s even a hint of mockery or meanness in it.
Anyway, it’s not that big of a deal now. Years back I was honest with Mom that her comments really affected my self-esteem and she seemed to tone it down.
Occasionally she will still do it but not often. She just can’t help herself, I think, it’s her way of showing love but it makes me hate myself. When I’m next to her she will scan my face for pimples and if she finds one she will actively ignore me to pop them, or I will be doing something alone and she will come over to comment that my hair looks bad and I need to use this different product, or I will be walking and she will comment that my belly is large and I should go to the gym.
Things like that, I know they aren’t bad but I can’t take it.
To the situation at hand: she was giving me dresses to wear to the wedding. We have always shared dresses, so this isn’t news. One of the dresses she lent me was one that she used two years ago at my graduation.
I put it on, and it was pretty tight. She and my aunt tried to force it to close but it was struggling. I said that they should stop but they continued to force it and the zipper basically broke down completely. When it happened, my mom blurted out “wow, you really are fat”.
My aunt burst out laughing and started teasing me about being chubby. I just kept silent.
We tried on a few more dresses, I chose a pretty one that fit well and was elastic, and that was that. Then, afterward, my mom asked me if I really had been going to the gym and said that I would have to suck in my belly during the wedding so it didn’t show so much in the dress I picked. I got fed up and told her that I was sick of her comments, and would buy my own dress to go.
Mom thinks I blew up at her for nothing and am about to spend money over a tantrum. My siblings think I’m being dramatic and that I’m just mad I’m large. My friends and partner think I’m right. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mom is not just mean but insecure. She likely is trying to compete with you (intentionally or not) and feeling jealous, because you will always have something she doesn’t: you’re significantly younger than her. In her mind, she almost always hears that tagline “for her age” whenever someone calls her beautiful.
While I don’t believe that ageist garbage, shallow people like her almost always do. So she likely feels compelled to point out your flaws to make herself feel better because her own happiness and self-esteem are worth more to her than the side effect of hurting you.
Plus, keeping your self-esteem low makes you less of a competitor in her eyes. (My own background and relationship with my mom are very similar, so these are just conclusions I’ve reached over the years.)” Mobile_Following_198
Another User Comments:
“Look I grew up in a similar situation.
Gorgeous mom, sister, and brother. I was always the ugly, chubby/large duckling. My mom would occasionally make comments and try to put me on diets from the age of 10. When I was old enough I shut that down and only allowed her to comment from a health perspective.
I would NEVER have accepted this kind of mockery you describe from my mother. This was something that I established early on and she understood that it was a big no from me. However, when I got really obese she sat down with me and had an honest conversation that led me to seek help to lose the weight in a healthy way.
She would eventually comment on my skin and hair as well, but she would take me to doctors to try to solve what bothered me. I come from a culture of extremely vain people where cosmetic procedures and extreme dieting are considered normal, so I understand why my appearance bothered her.
You are hardly obese and if you are healthy and happy with yourself then that’s what matters. Don’t allow anyone to make you hate yourself or to make you feel less worthy. This is the only body you get and it’s the one that allows you to experience all the things in this world.
Whether it is big or small is irrelevant! Be grateful for it and protect yourself. Sending you lots of love!” CardiologistNo8766
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Also, I’m sorry…you share dresses with your mother but she comments on your weight? Am I understanding that correctly?
Yet it seems some outfits match both of your sizes? She’s not being kind or saying things out of love. She’s projecting, and she’s tearing you down. Popping pimples makes them worse, constantly commenting on your body is out of line, and it’s not her business.
You’re her child, not a clone. She doesn’t own you. I’d also like to say in my opinion that you do not sound overweight in the least. Your body may distribute fat differently from hers, but that’s just how bodies are. If you ever want to dive into how modern society’s obsession with weight is built on lies from people trying to sell us things, you can check out the podcast Maintenance Phase.” thewildmage
1. AITJ For Smoking Inside While My Partner's Parents Are Visiting?
“I (25M) live with my partner (26F) and her parents are visiting us, they are going to be with us for two weeks.
I love smoking, it’s my guilty pleasure. Every night I like to smoke while I watch a movie, when I smoke inside.
Yesterday, after I arrived home from work I sat on the couch and started smoking.
My partner’s mom started freaking out saying that it’s not good for me and that I’m disrespectful towards her, her daughter, and her husband for smoking in front of them.
I told her that if she doesn’t like it she can go to a hotel and after 10 minutes of the most idiotic conversation I ever had, I went to the bedroom.
AITJ? They are at my house and they should respect me, my partner has asked me to stop smoking inside while they are here and I don’t know if I should stop or if I should just tell them to get lost.”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone’s a jerk here. Your partner’s mom is a pain because she overreacted. To claim it’s disrespectful is bordering on crazy talk. You’re a jerk because you can’t just make a small accommodation for a few days like a functional adult. You will get lots of support here because a lot of people replying live in some fantasy world where their comforts and rights reign supreme.
But normally, people just suck up their more annoying/unsocial habits for a few days while they have guests.” Tical79
Another User Comments:
“I’m gonna go with YTJ. It’s not the fact that you want to smoke in your own home, you’re correct in saying that you have the right to do so.
What you really really shouldn’t do, however, is subject others to second-hand smoke without any consent on their part. Especially inside, where the smoke lingers thickly for some time. The people you are smoking around could have health issues that affect their lung and breathing health.
Even if they don’t, it’s common decency (and common sense, aka why many countries have second-hand smoking laws) to make sure that you smoking around others in the immediate vicinity is okay if said area is not designated for smoking already. You should have made sure that was cool to do, not just lit up with no warning in front of her family.
You’re also the jerk for not being willing to compromise and choose the one option that would get everyone what they want by smoking outside for just 2 weeks. Source: I smoke and try not to be a huge jerk about it.” DeathCabforJuicy
Another User Comments:
“Yes, it’s your house nobody is arguing with that. Would you use the bathroom with the door open? Pass gas loudly as if nobody is there? All while company is over? Smoking indoors falls into the same category. What did you invite people over for so you could smoke them up indoors?
Most importantly, you are making them feel uncomfortable. If you truly want to live like the place absolutely belongs to you, then invite them but ask them to stay in a hotel. Or just never invite anybody if your darn pipe is that important to you.
There are certain behaviors you curtail while being a host. Your guests aren’t asking for the world here. They are not unreasonable. YTJ.” BeeYehWoo
Your partner says that the situation is not risky. You do not live their. Keep your pearl-clutching beak out of what is not your business.