People Expect Sincere Takes From Us Regarding Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories

“I (36m) have been with my wife Julia (34f) for 16 years, married for 11.

Julia is finally pregnant after we’ve been trying for 8 years. She’s suffered through 2 horrible early-on miscarriages and a devastating stillborn 5 years ago. Well, Julia’s due date is in 2 weeks (scheduled a c-section and the OB says we have an active healthy baby girl) and her best friend planned a late celebration/baby shower for her.

It was only a few family and friends. (Her parents, her grandmother, my parents, and my younger sister Alex (29) and her husband and two of Julia’s close friends.)

Alex has always had selfish and competitive behavior but I didn’t think this would be an issue as she knew how important this was and how excited Julia would be.

Julia was so excited and surprised and people were getting up saying sweet stories about Julia and prayers for the baby. Then it was Alex’s turn and she said and I quote – ‘This is such crazy timing Julia because GUYS I just found out I’m pregnant too!

Within the first week of trying, crazy right!’

My parents got up all excited and I just stood up and said ‘you need to stop making everything about yourself.’ I was so mad she was trying to steal Julia’s spotlight. She sat down with my parents and after she was finished eating she left without saying goodbye.

She texted me that night calling me a jerk for talking to her that way in front of everyone. I don’t think I’m the jerk because it wasn’t the time or place to do that. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

She knew what she was doing when she made the comment ‘after only a week of trying, crazy right?’

It is never appropriate to try and shine on someone else’s day. It is never appropriate to announce an engagement at somebody else’s engagement party/wedding. It is never appropriate to announce you’re having a baby at someone else’s baby shower. It’s not your day it’s not about you.

She was insensitive and was clearly seeking attention.” Suspicious_Lemon9960

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Everyone knows not to make big announcements at someone else’s social event. What she did was selfish and low class. Just so you know she will try to set up a rivalry between the cousins.

Do not let your child get sucked into it. Alex will use her child and your parents to make this happen. Be prepared to either go low contact or cut some or all of them off. It’ll start small like who walked 1st, who said their 1st words sooner then it will go on to reading, writing, sports activities, or artistic abilities.

Be sure you let your parents know you won’t let them subject your child to the comparisons from your sister or them.” WinEquivalent4069

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

You are a hero. You handled this exactly right. You didn’t hesitate, you didn’t flinch, and you didn’t raise your voice or curse or be offensive, you just shut it down.

No, a baby shower is not the time to make any other announcements. Even if your sister didn’t have a history of needing attention, this was not the moment for your sister to tell everyone she was pregnant.

You were firm and clear in shutting her down, good for you.

Do not apologize at all, and let her be mad. If and when she does reach out, tell her that SHE can apologize to your wife and you for trying to steal the spotlight from your special moment. Remind her that everyone got up and said nice things about JULIA and she got up and said something about herself.

Any arguments she makes about people being gathered so it was a good time can be shut down by reminding her that first of all, these were Julia’s people who were gathered, not hers, and that she could have said something to just her family at the END of the party, not when the spotlight was literally on Julia.

Then just let her be mad. Don’t engage in a back-and-forth, and don’t feel bad. If she keeps bringing it up, just literally walk away or don’t respond to the message. And I wouldn’t invite her to the first milestones for a while – she will likely post pictures of your baby on social media without your permission when she first meets them, and will probably ruin the first birthday party too.” mfruitfly

“Recently we went to my mom’s house because her jerk partner owes my wife a huge apology. He used the c-word a couple of months back, and we have been strict about no contact ever since. To be fair he was pretty sick and kind of groggy, but I don’t care.

I don’t even want to look at him. We only agreed to hear him out for the sake of the extended family.

So we got there and he was apologizing but stopped mid-sentence to tell my mom to stop doing something. She was holding onto his arm and throwing herself back/going limp, so I get that he either couldn’t focus or it was hurting him, so I didn’t think much of him stopping.

Next time she did it he wouldn’t hold her and she fell on the floor. He continued his apology and ignored her. I’d say it was a decent apology.

So we sat down and he was explaining why he said what he said. Suddenly he stopped and told my mom she better not eat that muffin, it was his and she had hers.

I could see my wife getting agitated. My mom bit into the muffin so he got up, and she tried to run to the other side of the room and keep the muffin, but he took it from her and came back. He tried to laugh it off but my wife told him he clearly wasn’t sorry as he was focusing on my mom and not her.

He said that wasn’t fair and he gave a good apology but my mom’s behavior is hard to ignore.

My wife said she would not forgive him and will not be around him until he gives a sincere apology. He got agitated and said what is he supposed to do, lock my mom outside, because he cannot focus on her doing this stuff in the background.

He said she was being uptight and I stopped him right there and told him not to insult her again.

However, in the car, I asked her to consider forgiving him. I said he sounded sincere and that it is hard to focus on anything with my mom around, and this rift is hurting my sisters and my grandma.

She got annoyed and I said I do feel she is being too harsh and he was sincere, but he has the right to not want to be harassed or have his food stolen. She is now hurt and feels I didn’t defend her.”

Another User Comments:

“YTJ

An apology is not an automatic forgiveness machine. Your wife doesn’t have to forgive squat just because an apology was made, especially if she’s unsatisfied with the apology.

‘What do you expect me to do, lock her outside?’ is clear evidence that his mind was not on the apology, it was just a checkbox on his to-do list to tick off while he multi-tasks other things, nothing more.

He was dotting his Is, crossing his Ts. The apology was a performance and not a sincere effort to make the person he insulted feel better.

I completely get where your wife is coming from. She has her boundaries about what kind of apology she accepts and this did not qualify.

She is maintaining those boundaries as is her right. Leave her alone.

(To be clear here, though, the mother is the problem. The mother is 100% not apologetic at all and the way you describe her, is acting like a little kid. And the dude giving the apology is allowing that immaturity to rub off on him.)” Thortok2000

Another User Comments:

“NTJ honestly. It genuinely sounds like he was trying to apologize, he should not be blamed for having to also keep an eye on your mother during it because it sounds like she has far more wrong with her than ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) if she just…

fell on the floor because he wouldn’t let her rock on her arm.

It also doesn’t sound like you can just tell your mom to leave and she’ll listen, so why people are also trying to act like you’re somehow also at fault for the mother’s obvious disrespect and issues is beyond me: she is not a toddler, you shouldn’t have to continuously try to make rules and boundaries with her she clearly will not respect and doesn’t respect anyways.

I think your wife is justifiably angry as well though, I would absolutely also be angry if someone kept trying to apologize to me while their partner made a commotion and kept trying to take their attention away from it or distract them, but I feel like it should be the situation she’s mad at and not him specifically as again, it does not sound like she’s behaving like this just because she feels like it, and again if she’s going to fall on the floor over him just not holding her arm while she rocks back and forth it would not be surprising if his concern was ignoring her for only something worse to happen as a result.

I think the priority in this situation should be finding out exactly why your mother behaves like this because as someone with ADHD and a cousin with severe ADD, this is not how someone with it who’s unmedicated behaves, if anything this sounds like mania or even substance abuse.

Let your wife feel however she wants about this situation honestly because whether she’s right or wrong with pinpointing her anger at the guy and not your mother doesn’t change the fact that there’s definitely a bigger glaring issue in this situation you need to start addressing.” mrselffdestruct

Another User Comments:

“YTJ

Sorry, this guy and your mom are behaving like middle schoolers, and your wife saw right through it.

Your mother actively tried to ruin the apology – she threw herself around, are you kidding me? And sure, her partner kind of has to address her throwing herself around but then she moved on to food and he could have either told your mother firmly to leave the room or ignored her.

Either the two of them together think this is a joke, or maybe just your mom, but either way both of them handled this poorly. Your wife did not get a serious, appropriate apology, and honestly, now your mother owes her one too.

If you can’t see how your mother behaved this way purposefully to make sure your wife wasn’t taken seriously and left feeling just as bad as when she showed up, then you aren’t being a good partner.

Keep your wife away from these people and don’t ask her to put up with them at all, because they have no respect for her.” mfruitfly

“My (30F) financial industry father (58M) was convicted of embezzling ~$10M when I was 10, and he went to prison for five years. As a result of his crime, we lost our home and the lifestyle we’d been living (rightly so). It caused behavioral issues among my siblings (now 28M and 25F); my mother (59F) sunk into depression for a few years (she knew nothing of the con job, as she was a stay-at-home mom and my father handled all finances); and eventually, my parents divorced, though remained amicable.

Through my mother’s hard work and determination, we were finally able to get out of the poverty created by our situation and live a somewhat comfortable, though modest, life. My father died a few years ago.

Two weeks ago, I volunteered at a leadership event where we were working with teenagers who came from disadvantaged backgrounds.

Many were poor, had a parent incarcerated, family members who were substance users, etc. These were kids who showed a lot of educational and leadership potential and were looking to break free from the cycles that kept their families in poverty.

I was partnered with a 16F whose father was incarcerated, and I was having trouble connecting with her.

She insinuated that I was privileged and knew nothing of her struggles, and brushed off my attempts to work with her. I then disclosed my background to her, and she realized we’d been through a lot of similar situations. The dynamic then changed, and we had much more positive and fruitful interactions the remainder of the weekend.

When I told my mom about this, she was livid that I discussed ‘a private family matter’ and that she was embarrassed others knew what we went through. She said it was not my place to discuss it with others. I said it was as much a part of my story as hers and I had every right to tell it as I see fit, given my father is dead and it no longer affects him.

My sister thinks I’m also a jerk, and my brother is indifferent. So AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – ‘Don’t know how you heal a wound and not let it get some air.’ – Barbara Neely. You shared your experience in order to positively impact someone.

You did not use the story to profit or elevate yourself. Yes, your lived experience is your story too.

Your family sounds ashamed. You were victims of his actions. Living in poverty was not a choice. Family stories can focus on success which includes struggle.

My wish for your mom and siblings is to see their lives improved because your mom counterbalanced your dad: she worked hard w/ determination. This is your life crescendo. Best to you and thank you for volunteering.” DesertSong-LaLa

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You did good!

Part of people connecting is realizing that despite perceived socioeconomic backgrounds we all have a lot in common.

Your mom, rightly so, probably still has a lot of embarrassment. But it’s not just her that lived through it. You shared to connect and maybe your whole story, like how your mom just got on with it, will help these kids when they feel life is impossible.

I have family friends in the same situation as your family so from a close outside I saw the shame and struggle. Yes, it’s a family matter, but that also means you get to tell it. I’m sorry your mom is still struggling with it.

Maybe your mom needs to hear that she’s the hero. Because she really is. And her story and yours are worth telling. You don’t need to be rich to understand Dad is a jerk, made us homeless, mom saved the day, here’s what she did for me look at me now.

THAT is very much a story worth telling especially when it seems all is hopeless.” FoxTracks02

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

Is it really a private matter when records of charges and incarceration are typically public records?

More importantly, even if it was private, by being open here you had the potential to genuinely do some good – the girl you spoke with was obviously left with the expectation that her situation was insurmountable, and by revealing that you had been through exactly the same you have hopefully shown her that she still had the potential to improve herself and her situation.

You may have genuinely changed that person’s life, and that is worth more than a little shame on the part of your mother.” nrsys

“My (20F) friends from uni and I have been planning to go on a trip next March since the beginning of this year. Since 2 of my friends are bringing their partners along with them, I’ve asked my partner (19M) if he wanted to come under the condition that he earned the money himself to cover his expenses, including plane tickets and accommodations, which had come to be around CAD$5,000.

I made this request months ago because I knew he was going to ask his parents for the money to cover the expenses, which they had always given him (like when his brother asked for $3k for a gaming setup and when he asked for $2k so he could have a TV in his room).

His family isn’t super wealthy, but they are well-to-do and his mom has tried to ask him to try and get a part-time job during school breaks to which he has always said he’ll try but ended up never getting one. I grew up in a household where we often had to get by and thus, have worked/been working multiple part-time jobs since I was 16 and have been trying to urge him to get a job with his mother.

A couple of days ago, he told me he wants to go on the trip with me which shocked me as I questioned how he was going to raise $5000 since we still have classes and semester break doesn’t start till late Feb and he told me he asked his parents and they agreed to help pay for his expenses.

I told him no I would not be allowing him to go on the trip with me and refused to share our itinerary document with him since I made it clear I didn’t want his parents to pay for his expenses and established that he would have to earn his keep.

But he told me that this was something I should have zero say over since I was never in charge of how his parents spent their money. We had a fight over this and he called me a controlling manipulative freak before ranting to my friends’ partners who are going on this trip with us (we’re all part of the same friend group).

They all agreed I was a little out of line and should have no say over how he raised the funds needed. I don’t want to rant to my other friends about this since I don’t want them to think badly of me or my partner but it really made me confused as I have no clue if I’m the one at fault here.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. He’s your partner, but you don’t share finances yet. You can decide not to want to get serious with someone who uses their parents as an ATM and doesn’t know how to make a living for themselves, so you’re free to break up with him anytime you like.

You cannot control how he spends his money or how he finances his expenses until you both decide to mix finances (which is, together with living together, having children, and marriage, are the 4 separate things that prevent you from breaking up ‘at any time’).

Do you want him on the trip, or do you want him to get his finances in order?

What is more important? How is this helping either?” KleineDorpsbewoner

Another User Comments:

“It is not your responsibility to teach your partner financial independence. It’s his parents’ job. They seem to be fine supporting him whenever it is needed. You, on the other hand, seem like someone who is placing huge importance on financial independence… Unfortunately, people don’t change miraculously because their SO wants them to.

You will need to learn to either accept people for who they are or move on without them in your life. Your approach to finances is entirely different, and should you keep moving forward with this relationship it is bound to create problems. I’m not saying people don’t change, but both of you are still young (he’s 19, barely an adult) and I wouldn’t hold my breath waiting till he grows up…

A very soft YTJ, as I get where you coming from, still you overstepped to parent territory…” Altruistic-Paper-847

“My wife (28F) and I (29M) got married six months ago after a year and a half of relationship/engagement. Her whole life, she has had bad anxiety causing her to obsess over expiration dates.

Personally, I don’t believe in expiration dates, but I have tried to be respectful of her issues. Throughout our relationship, this has been mostly a non-issue. I don’t cook a lot so I rarely kept food at my house and when she came over and I cooked for her, I would buy just what I needed. My wife likes to cook and occasionally buys more than she needs to.

Most of what she buys, though, is perishable ingredients and she ends up wasting a lot of food, which I don’t like.

Since we got married, we’ve been trying to recoup some of the money we spent on our wedding, so we’ve been cooking a lot more.

We trade off every week but do grocery shopping together.

A while ago, we bought more milk than we usually do, because we anticipated needing it, but it turned out that we barely got through one gallon. The second gallon we purchased expired this past Monday.

It was unopened and seemed fine. On Thursday, I needed milk for a recipe, so I used the expired gallon. Before she would eat, my wife asked if I had gotten new milk because what we had in the fridge was expired. I lied and said I picked some up on the way home.

She enjoyed dinner and things were fine.

Later that evening, she looked in the fridge and found that the milk was expired. She was crying and hyperventilating, accusing me of lying to her and trying to poison her. I told her that she was clearly fine, the milk hadn’t done anything to her, but she was absolutely beyond reason.

My wife locked herself in the bathroom for the rest of the night, making herself sick and refusing to speak to me. I just let her. In the morning, she refused to go to work and was still in hysterics. When I got home from work, she was refusing to speak to me and said she needed time ‘to think.’ I told her I was sorry for lying to her but this was childish behavior.

She repeated that she needed to think and didn’t want to talk to me, so I told her again she was acting like a child. She became more upset and went to bed early. Yesterday morning, she said she felt very betrayed by me and that she didn’t feel safe with me if I was willing to lie to her like that.

I felt really insulted by what she had said, so the conversation sort of fizzled.

We have not been talking. I’m really stunned that she would blow this up like she has. I can imagine laughing it off and realizing what silly anxiety it is, but I cannot picture going this nuclear.

AITJ for lying to my wife about expired milk?”

Another User Comments:

“YTJ

And a huge one at that. You know really well your wife has a phobia/anxiety about expiration dates so went ahead and used expired milk. You lied to her. You fed her food that you knew was going to upset her when she found out.

There is no universe where you aren’t a massive jerk for doing this.

Then to take it to the next level, you don’t apologize, but berate her and tell her she’s acting childish. You betrayed her trust, what did you think was going to happen?

Also, you don’t believe in expiration dates? What kind of idiocy is this? If you’ve ever ended up in the ER due to food poisoning, trust me, you’d not eat food that is past the expiration date. I think you’re mixing up the ‘use by’ date and expiration date.

People do get very, very ill from eating expired food, trust me, I am one of them that had to go to the hospital because of it. It was NOT fun and completely avoidable.” Caspian4136

Another User Comments:

“YTJ

You lied to your wife and fed her something you know she wouldn’t have eaten if you had told her what was really in it.

Major jerk move.

Knowing your wife has anxiety around food why would you ever lie to her about the expiration date? And I don’t care that you ‘don’t believe’ in expiration dates, it is 100% her choice if she does or does not want to eat expired food.

Your last two sentences show that you really don’t understand her or anxiety at all. You can’t just laugh off anxiety, you do not just ‘realize what a silly little anxiety it is’ and to even say that is so patronizing.

You need to go to therapy to figure out why you’re so nonchalant about breaking your wife’s trust and boundaries and hope that she can forgive you for this.” NJtoOx

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. I know where you’re coming from on some level but it sounds like your wife has some serious anxiety and potentially disordered thinking about this that should be spoken about with a therapist and should try to be accommodated a bit more.

Speaking from my experience with an eating disorder things like that may not seem like much but can mean everything to the person at the moment and maybe, just maybe, this isn’t as much about the milk as it is about the invasion of trust and respect that came with the lying.

Honestly apologize to her, promise not to lie again, actually don’t lie again, and then maybe have a serious conversation about working through what could be an eating disorder, OCD, or something along those lines with a therapist together (by supporting her if she goes, etc).” SubterraneanLodger

“My (61M) three kids, A (22M), B (20M), and C (15F), and I are all on vacation. The vacation consists of a trip across multiple countries in the Middle East, including a stop to performing pilgrimage, and it’s very hectic. None of my children speak Arabic very well.

My eldest son A has issues including anxiety and depression to an extent that it’s hard for him to handle a lot of the situations he might encounter on the trip if he were alone. My middle son and youngest daughter are both sick with the flu, B is recovering while C is more on the downward trend.

Because of all the information above, the trip has been strenuous on all of our mental health. I’ve spent most of the trip in bed or resting when possible and I’ve entrusted B with the responsibility for caring for his siblings – resolving any disputes at the airport, checking us into the hotel, getting us food, et cetera.

I also imposed a rule that nobody goes off on their own, and since they’re an odd number that means whenever they go anywhere they go together. B has again been instrumental in making sure they don’t get lost and that they remain together.

Today, A went out on his own and left his phone in the hotel room and got lost – B went out and was gone for a few hours to find him. My daughter and I were of course very tense as A has a bad sense of direction and God knows where he could have been.

B came back with A and food for us and we sat down to eat. B pulled out his phone and spent the majority of the meal on social media or texting his friends and honestly it just upset me, I wanted us to take this vacation so we could have more family time and bond together.

I told him to put the phone down and just spend time with us and he said ‘I’ve spent enough time with you all already, honestly’. I felt really disrespected by this, but I didn’t want to cause a scene.

Later we were going over the highlights and lowlights of the trip so far and I mentioned that one of my lowlights was the way B had been acting.

He snapped at me and went ‘God, I’d hate to ruin your trip Dad sorry’ super sarcastically, and went to the room he has his stuff in. Since then he hasn’t come out and I’m honestly furious, I want this trip to be fun and I feel like he’s dragging it down for the whole family.

My elder son agrees that he’s being irritating while my daughter is saying that I need to be more compassionate with him. AITJ?

ETA: My health issues are digestive and back pain-related.”

Another User Comments:

“YTJ

Your children are adults and can do what they want.

You are far too controlling and it sounds like a terrible trip from your kid’s perspective.

Your trip has already been complicated by illness so the dream vacation you pictured in your mind was ruined. You are expecting your family to behave as you’ve envisioned and they aren’t following your script.

Stop forcing grown adults to conform to your fantasies and enjoy your family as they are. Not everyone can handle so much togetherness. Your kids have the right to decompress in their own way.

ETA: you can’t get your butt out of bed to participate in sightseeing and are making B supervise everyone.

It’s no wonder he is stressed.” tatersprout

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. Not only are you pushing your responsibility on one of your children, but you are also wondering why your son snapped at you after being on a trip even you described as exhausting. If I see anyone ‘ruining’ this trip for your family, it’s you.

You keep saying how instrumental B is, but then throw a tantrum over him taking his mind off over dinner? Maybe he is irritating because you keep pushing responsibilities on him while he is still recovering from the flu, while you are ‘resting when possible’, just after he had to get his older brother because you wouldn’t.

You honestly sound more like a tyrant than a father.” Iothil

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. It was kind of you to arrange a family trip, but your expectations of your middle child seem harsher than the other two. The last line is a kicker to me, that your eldest son agrees B’s being annoying.

Don’t play your kids off against each other.

And when you said that B’s behavior was a ‘low light’ it would be impossible not to take that as a personal attack.

Set some reasonable rules ahead of time, perhaps about staying off of phones during meals that everyone agrees to – and be understanding if someone needs some downtime from family after a stressful situation.” gbubs27

“My family owns a wakeboard boat and we frequently take my friends out to waterski and wakeboard. A couple of days ago, one of my friends asked if he could take some friends from a different friend group out.

I said probably and that I’ll check with my family to see what day would work. We found a day and planned the outing.

An hour after confirming the plans, my friend texts me and asks if I will stay home because and I quote: ‘You’re not part of this friend group and we don’t want you there.’ I assume he’s joking so I text him and say haha and then ask what drinks and snacks he wants me to buy.

He texts me back and says he’s being serious and he and his friends don’t want me there. So, I tell him if he’s not even going to let me come on my own boat then I’m not letting him go out with his friends and I cancel the whole thing.

So, am I the jerk? I really don’t know about this situation.

Edit: to clarify, the boat belongs to my dad (I am still living with them because I’m in high school). My friend was assuming that my dad would take my friend and his friends out and leave me behind.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – he tried to use you for your boat then kick you out of the event? HA. HAHAHAHA. HA HA HA HA. Not happening.

I know you may not like hearing this but this dude is not your friend. I don’t know about the others in that friend group, but this guy for sure doesn’t need to be around you anymore, even if the others are.

He had the choice of being a good guy and introducing you to the other group of friends. If he didn’t think you’d fit in, he could give you a heads up and still stand by you because THAT is what friends do. ‘This is my friend OP, guys.

It’s his boat and he was nice enough to let us join him on it. Come say hi, he’s a really nice guy!’ That. That is how you treat a friend that does you a favor.

I’d bar this jerk from ever setting foot near me again, and any friends that side with him – you know where they stand and you can ditch them too.

You deserve friends that appreciate what you bring to a friendship… boat or not.” C_Alex_author

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Friend is not wanting to ‘use’ your boat. He’s wanting to use your boat, gas, and dad and take up time that might have otherwise been used by your family to benefit your family.

Your so-called friend was trying to get a chartered outing for free by playing a switch-a-roo with you. He didn’t say anything until after he thought he had it locked down. Like your dad would really want to give his time and expenses to a group of HS kids that did NOT include his own kid?

No way. There is nothing worse than finding out that someone is only a friend to gain access to something they want.” embracedthegrey

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Newsflash… I know you’re young as you said you’re still in high school, but let me try to explain to you that this person you’re referring to as ‘your friend’ is NOT, in ANY WAY, your friend.

This guy is simply using you for access to your family’s boat and pretending to be your friend. How do I know this to be true? Because if he was, in fact, a friend, he would never have put you into this situation, he clearly likes your family’s boat and is trying to be Joe Cool around his real friends by saying he can swing a deal where he can get access to a sick boat for a day.

In all likelihood, his friends don’t even know it’s your boat or that you would have been coming, this guy doesn’t want them to think he hangs out with you. I think most of us have been in this type of situation when we were in school where we’d have people say they’re our friends but they have a hidden agenda (they liked the way our mom cooked better than their mom, our family went on cooler vacations than they went on, etc.) – I call them hanger-on-ers.

As a dad and soon-to-be grandparent, we took dozens of kids out on our boat with us over the years. If my son or daughter came to me and said ‘Hey dad, my friend XYZ wants to take his friends out on our boat, wants to leave me at home, and wants you to drive him and his friends around the lake all day, I’d seriously be like WHAT!?

NO!’ At this point, even if he says that you’re now invited, I’d say he’s already shown his true colors to you, just say bye and be done with him. What. A. Creep.” Dense_Amphibian_9595

“I (19m) lived with my dad (40m). He moved in 2 years ago after he was kicked out by his ex-wife. Recently we found out that he was using in the house and so we got an eviction notice. I felt bad so a week prior I told him that I would help him move (I have a truck).

He happily agreed and offered to buy food and talk about everything, so we set up a date to do so.

Two days before he was supposed to move, I went to my aunt’s house to get some things for my mother and my aunt walked up to me and said we needed to talk.

She proceeded to tell me that he called her and started being hysterical about me being openly gay and told her that after I help him he wants nothing to do with me. I’ve been out for over 4 years now and he’s been on edge about it but never this much.

The next day I called him and informed him that I wouldn’t be helping him and would be blocking him on everything and hung up. Some of my family on his side is calling me petty and a girl. Now I’m feeling like I did act petty AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“1. He’s an addict.

2. He told your aunt that after you help him move, he plans to be through with you.

You don’t have to let anyone use you or take advantage of your time for their own interests if they are not giving you the respect that you deserve.

You are who you are. Tell your dad tough stuff. He is an addict and a jerk who doesn’t deserve the help you offered him. He made his mistakes, and now he has no one to depend on but himself. People like this will destroy their own lives from the inside out until their souls internally combust and they end up losing everything.

You should always be accepted for who you are and don’t let anyone ever tell you otherwise.

NTJ.” CyclonicHavoc

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

Homophobia is related to misogyny. These people saying you are acting ‘like a girl’ what is that even supposed to mean?

You are a male, and not less of a man because you are gay. I guess these people still buy the nonsense of women being more emotional than men. If a woman stands up for herself, she is being hysterical and ridiculous. If a man acts ‘too emotional’ (also known as standing up for himself) then he is like one of those ridiculous women.

Screw that gendered nonsense. From your dad and from your family, it’s the same crap.” Living_with_lovies

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. The fact that he was going to cut ties with you only after you’d done him a favor speaks about his character.

I’m sorry that your dad isn’t supportive of you but it seems like you do have other family members who are. I think you made the right decision in not helping him move and not letting yourself be used like that. It’s not the end of the world he can find other people to help or just do it on his own.

I don’t think you’re being petty at all. I’d maybe leave lines of communication open though, and allow him the opportunity to make amends and apologize if he changes and can be accepting. Also, his family calling you a girl? That just sounds so homophobic.

Honestly don’t understand how in this day and age people can be nasty and hateful over someone’s romantic interests, it really doesn’t concern them and shouldn’t change their relationship with a person or how they are treated.” Ethemea

“I (f20) live with my mom and stepdad in our hometown.

My parents split up when I was around 3, and I have an older sister (f26). Our dad is a deadbeat and we haven’t been in contact with him for a very long time.

When I was 10, my mom (f40s) married a new man, ‘Dave’ (m50s).

Dave has a son, ‘Ben’ (m35), from his previous marriage. Ben is an only child.

Ben is married and he and his wife have six kids together.

Ben and his family live a bit far from the rest of us. It’s about a 3-hour drive to where they live from our hometown.

Usually, for Christmas, we drive all the way to Ben’s home, exchange gifts, hang around for an hour or two, then drive home. Ben refuses to commute to us, so Dave insists we do it as he wants to see his son and grandkids. It’s something we’ve done since I was 10 so I’m used to it and never really questioned how ridiculous it is.

It takes up all day and we spend most of our Christmas commuting.

This year, Dave will be unable to do that. Over the past few months, Dave has been extremely unwell and in and out of the hospital. He very recently had a major heart operation and is on strict bed rest. He’s on the path to recovery but it’s slow and he needs to take it easy.

Ben was aware of this but never checked in on Dave or visited him.

Dave asked me to, so I informed Ben that we won’t be able to drive to his home for Christmas and explained what was going on. Ben asked how he was supposed to see his dad on Christmas.

I told him he and his family can commute to us.

Ben told me that would be impossible with his six kids. I said that’s tough luck and told him that there was no way we can commute with Dave all the way to him.

Ben started getting mad and told me that we were being ridiculous expecting him and his wife to drag six kids on the commute to us. I told him that’s not my problem and either way we’re not doing Christmas at his place so he’ll have to******* up.

Ben started yelling at me and accused me of not having any empathy for his situation. I said I know it sucks but there’s not much I can do about it. He accused me and my mom of being selfish and said that his kids are going to be devastated not seeing their grandpa on Christmas.

I told him to act his age and that if it bothers him so much he can find a way to come to us. Or if he won’t, then he needs to get over not seeing his dad on Christmas.

Then I hung up on him (I’ll admit hanging up was a bit dramatic of me).

Ben later texted me and apologized for yelling, and said he was just really upset about the news. But he told me I’m still a jerk for what I said. I don’t think I was.

He’s been acting very weird and posting stuff on social media about toxic family members and it’s obviously directed at me so I want to know if I was a jerk here.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

I’m hoping Dave has a smooth recovery process and can spend many more Christmases with all of you. Ben, on the other hand, needs to step up and tell his children (in an age-appropriate manner) that he hoped grandpa was going to feel well enough to spend Christmas but he can’t.

Heck, we live in the age of social media. He should make a cute video of the kids on Christmas and send it because I guarantee Dave feels guilty that he can’t see his son and grandchildren too.

He’s the toxic one, and I hope your words were a wake-up call.” meltyzucchini

Another User Comments:

“NTJ whatsoever

Ben sounds so entitled and selfish.

His father has major heart surgery, and he can’t be bothered to visit him or check in on him. Wow. And he expects his sick dad, who’s on bed rest, to get up and drive three hours each way to visit on Christmas Day?

Unbelievable.

I realize it’s hard to travel with six kids, but why can’t Ben act like an adult? He could easily drive down by himself after the holiday if he absolutely has to see his father.” Paevatar

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

Unless Ben has had financial issues (poor, unreliable clunker car, etc) or has family members with health issues (kids/wife with mobility problems or poor health) this whole time, your side of the family traveling 6 hours of the day to spend an hour or two with them is absurd.

I’d even be petty enough to comment on his social media post ‘Ben, there’s nothing toxic about refusing your annual demand this year for your father to travel six hours to visit you for Christmas when he just had major heart surgery. You’d agree it’s the right thing to do if you knew how sick he is, had you bothered to visit or check in on him even once before or after his hospitalization.

Let’s all support his recovery. Love to the kids and Mary. Have a good Christmas!'” peregrine_throw

“My friend Abby (25F) and I (25F) are going to a destination wedding for a mutual friend overseas next year. Abby and I used to travel together when we were in college but she had some health issues and wasn’t able to travel for a while.

But she’s better now (with some limitations) and excited to start traveling again. Our friend invited us to her destination wedding in Thailand next year, including my husband and my (will be) 2-year-old.

My husband and I have been to Thailand before so we are familiar with the culture and getting around.

This will be Abby’s first time in Asia. When Abby found out my husband and I are going to stay for a week and travel around, she wanted to stay with us and join in on our activities.

However, my thing is that she loves my baby but she also gets annoyed easily by him.

She would get grossed out by his drool or diaper changes. When the baby cries, it would give her headaches. This would be our first time traveling to Asia with the baby so we don’t really know how he would react to the time difference and all.

We would probably have to constantly change our itinerary around his naps and meals. And I can feel that being an issue with her expectations already.

I told her no, it’s not a good idea since we will have the baby with us so we should do our own thing instead.

She got offended and said she doesn’t feel comfortable traveling alone especially in a new country and with her previous health issues. We were also planning to rent an Airbnb and travel to the wedding resort instead of staying there, so she said it will save her money ($400/night difference) to split the Airbnb with us instead of staying at the resort too.

I am feeling super guilty for saying no but I also don’t want to be in the position where I have to divide my attention between her and my kid. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – and I can’t believe that you think Abby is your friend.

What type of friend invites herself into her friend’s family plans and says that their small child is annoying but the family really ought to let her come with them anyway, because she will save money and she doesn’t want to travel alone. Also, they ought to change their plans in the new country to suit her.

What?!

It’s going to be an exciting vacation but challenging with such a small child and wedding requirements. I have no idea why Abby thinks she’s entitled to turn you into a bonus mum and carer on this trip because it will suit her. Say no and mean it.” cynical_old_mare

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, she’s offended because she wanted to make her vacation cheaper, and have you and your husband play tour guide. Given that she keeps coming back to feeling uncomfortable traveling alone, she’s already telling you that she’s viewing you and your husband as her tour guides.

I truly don’t get why you feel guilty about not wanting someone who would lose their temper on your baby in your intimate space. Why do you feel bad about not dealing with someone who would actively be mean to your baby? And who also entirely wants to stay with you to take advantage of your time and give herself a discount?

None of the plans is to your benefit because the cost you’d be saving in the $400 would come back to bite you and having someone be mean to your baby and take advantage of your time.” JCBashBash

Another User Comments:

“She is only seeing this from her point of view and is failing to understand that you have a young child who is now your priority.

When single & no kids it is different, but your life has changed. And so has hers, while it is no one’s fault that she isn’t as independent as before. She can’t rely upon you to be her caretaker.

She may not be able to go and her new reality is taking some getting used to.

And she should ask a sibling or parent to go with her instead.

Be honest and say those years of traveling together are no longer possible. You now have a travel partner AKA hubby.

NTJ

And destination weddings mean not everyone will be able to go and the couple in question should have taken other’s disabilities and finances into consideration before sending out the invites.” Samantha38g

“I (f) have always been on the heavier side growing up but it never really bothered me until my dad (56m) started making comments on my body & weight.

I usually brush his comments off because he says he’s only looking out & wants the best for me. Btw, I exercise 2-3 days a week & eat relatively healthy, 2 meals a day, but my weight seems to plateau, so my weight usually stays the same & steady & my attempts to lose weight fail all the time no matter how hard I try.

My dad is obsessed with exercise, especially running to the point where he runs multiple long-distance marathons up to 100km. Last year in August my dad suffered a car accident & broke his leg. Because of this, he has had to refrain from running. Due to the lack of activity, my dad doesn’t exercise anymore which caused him to gain a little weight.

He didn’t gain a significant amount but I noticed a lot of his shirts don’t fit him anymore.

So this is where I’m the potential jerk. This incident happened on a hot day so I decided to wear biker shorts & a cropped(ish) top.

I have a little bit of a belly that was quite visible but I didn’t think much of it because I was in my own house so I didn’t think it would matter what I wear. When my dad saw me, he looked at my belly & said I must exercise more to lose some fat.

I asked him why he is so bothered about my weight & body as if saying that I’m fat will do anything. I asked him to give me a good reason why & he said it’s because of health which is nonsense because he knows I exercise regularly & actively try to take care of my body.

I think he’s just fat-phobic & doesn’t like the way fat people look.

I then told him that he can’t tell me to lose weight when his shirts don’t fit him anymore & how my clothes actually fit me. This caused him to go silent while my sister (18) laughed at my dad’s reaction.

When I told my other sister (20f) about this situation, she said I could’ve said it in a nicer way because my dad was probably just insecure and was projecting his insecurities onto me because he didn’t have another way to deal with them & my mom agreed.

I do kinda feel bad about what I said to him but I was honestly fed up with his remarks.

So AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

Your dad is really ignorant about how female bodies distribute fat. Our bodies want to store fat in our bellies to protect our organs.

You can have only 20% body fat, and a lot of that fat will be located in the belly because that’s where it needs to be to keep our organs safe and our bodies functioning.

In general, women with visible abs have less than 20% body fat.

That’s barely enough to keep us menstruating regularly.

I used to think I was chubby because I too carried a little extra fat in my belly. I’m also pear-shaped, so any little bit of fat around my hips was very obvious. Couple this with the popularity of low-rise jeans in the 00s, and you get some low body image.

I was so caught up in that little bit of fat in my belly that I didn’t notice how skinny my arms and legs were, how bony my shoulders were. I only realize that now, 15 years later, looking at pictures of myself back in college.

Your weight plateauing is your body telling you that this is the weight you should be.

Your dad is projecting wrong and harmful standards of fitness onto you.” saucynoodlelover

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here.

You, for putting up excuses for your inability to lose weight.

Yes, it is unhealthy, even if you work out twice a week.

And your father, for not being able to communicate the message to you in a gentler way. But, believe me, taking care of your body and not being overweight is a message a parent should be pushing forth.” MGBorg

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – yes, maybe a little harsh but honestly, normal reaction, and if he can dish it he can take it. Side note: you’re eating two meals a day? Your body is probably in a state of preparing for low food intake, thus stacking up on body fat.

It’s a natural reaction to a limited food intake. Try eating three meals a day, 1700-2000 calories, so your body gets the fuel it needs for exercising, etc. If you’re already eating that many calories, try splitting that into three meals maybe? You’ll probably notice a change, having more energy and maybe losing body fat, if that’s important to you, but also being able to gain muscle, thus increasing what you burn in a state of no body movement.” Comprehensive-Rip411

“My wife (F31) and I (M33) went out to eat at a local joint. I like the food and beer at this place and it’s also somewhere that is not dog friendly. I especially enjoy that the patio doesn’t allow dogs. I enjoy a good patio when the weather is nice and I can enjoy a few drinks.

More than once I’ve had dogs ruin a good time, so I seek out places that don’t allow them anymore.

Today’s trip to the restaurant was not what I had hoped. We take a seat on the patio and I see that there is a dog a few tables over.

It is medium-sized and very furry. I order my drink and also ask the server what is up with the dog. He just says it is a service dog and there isn’t much we can do so they let it in. I get my drink and keep an eye on it.

My wife says to let it go and ignore it, but I don’t. It barks once. Then the owner (I’d guess a lady in her 20s) picks it up. She puts it on the seat next to her. Pretty sure it’s a health code violation to allow a dog on a restaurant seat.

Then the dog puts its paws on the table. The owner does not notice this.

I speak up, she is a few tables over so I’m like ‘Hey, get your dog off the table and off the seat’. She snaps back mind your business. The dog starts barking at me.

I let her know without cussing that it’s gross to allow her dog on the table and seat, I also said service dogs don’t bark at strangers. We went back and forth arguing. I tried to keep my cool and she got angry at me.

Finally, I just left some cash with a decent tip and my wife and I left. So AITJ?

Edit: Why would a service dog put its paws on the table? Pretty sure that qualifies as misbehaving. There isn’t the need to alert the table of anything and the owner did not notice the dog put its paws on the table until I said something.

If the bark was supposed to be an alert to the owner maybe would have taken some action to see what was going on with herself. There was nothing. She essentially ignored her misbehaving dog while carrying on a conversation with whoever she was with.”

Another User Comments:

“YTJ because it sounds like the core issue here is that you were choosing to go after a confrontation to be a knight for people who did not ask for your aid, at the expense of your wife’s comfort.

Your wife was out on a date with you, and rather than be present on the date with her, you were thinking about laws and what the owner of the restaurant would want and getting into a shouting match with some jerk at a restaurant.

You were a jerk to your wife making this confrontation.” JCBashBash

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. Leave people alone. You’re not the police or the service dog fraud patrol unit member. We have disinfectant for dogs on tables and good places w good wait staff who clean them nightly and the table in between guests.

The dog wasn’t affecting you and you ruined your own night out by arguing with the lady until it started barking. But it wasn’t your place to yell at her. The employees should have handled it.

On the same token through. I agree it wasn’t a well-trained service animal and shouldn’t have been there though.” depressivedarling

Another User Comments:

“YTJ

Mind your business dude. The dog isn’t actually bothering you or anyone else. The restaurant should be wiping down tables after each customer anyway, so if that lady wants dog hair in her own food that’s her business.

Your wife asked you to let it go and you made a scene anyway.

Also, you’re right that most service dogs don’t act like that and it very well could be fake. However, I know a diabetic assistance dog that does interact with strangers and even bark. His job is to notify his human of changes to her b***d sugar that he can detect.

You do not know what disabilities or illnesses someone might have and it’s really none of your business.” gcot802

“I (32f) am expecting my first child with my husband Paul (36m). Fake names.

I’m currently 10 weeks pregnant and my biggest pregnancy issue is fatigue and, mainly, cravings and hunger. No matter what I do, I cannot seem to stay full. I eat all day but have managed to still lose 3 pounds.

The problem is we don’t always have what I want. So a few times a week, I stop at the store on my way home from work and stock up on my favorite snacks. Pizza, pickles, fruit (especially oranges, grapes, and watermelon), popcorn, chicken noodle soup, string cheese, etc. I’ve been doing this for maybe about 5 weeks.

But every time I check the fridge, almost all my snacks are gone. I keep telling Paul to stop eating my food and he says that it’s not a big deal and I can just get more. But then it involves me (not him) stopping at the store more and me (again, not him) spending more of my money.

Last week, I just snapped. I bought my favorite ice cream: Neapolitan. I put it in the freezer and decided to take a nap before writing a paper (I’m currently getting my master’s). I planned to have a bowl when I woke up and began working on it.

When I woke up, I went to the freezer and saw it had been opened. Now, I can’t eat an entire quart of ice cream all by myself, so I wasn’t mad that he had some until I saw what he did to it.

My husband ate all of the strawberry side and left me with just the vanilla and chocolate. And the strawberry is my favorite part.

I got mad and started yelling at him. He told me it was unreasonable of me to bring food into the house and not expect him to have any of it.

But I told him that wasn’t what I expected but he knew that was my favorite ice cream and my favorite part of it was all gone and he was always eating my snacks. He just told me to run to the store and get some more.

So I just went back upstairs because he wasn’t listening.

I opened my laptop and ordered a full-sized fridge ($2300), paid for from my personal savings account that he has never contributed to. My husband and I don’t mingle our accounts together so he never saw I bought it until two days ago when it was delivered to our house.

He came home from work and saw it plugged into our garage.

He asked why there were locks on it and how much it cost. I told him not to worry about how much it cost and that there were locks on it to make sure he doesn’t eat all my snacks of my cravings.

He said I can’t control what he eats, and I told him not. I’m just controlling who eats my snacks but the fridge in the house is open and he can have whatever is in that and the cabinets, but the fridge in the garage is for me only.

I haven’t had to go to the store at all this weekend and all my food is locked up, but Paul is not speaking to me for two reasons: for making a large purchase without talking to him first and for ‘turning food into a war’ (his words).

So AITJ?

Edit: for your information, this is the only issue we’re having right now. We’ve been married for 2 years.

Also, I got a full size instead of a mini because ours in the kitchen is kinda old and I figured it could replace it should it go out.

Or it could just be in the garage for the summer and we can put beers and sodas in it.

Update: So my husband replaced all my snacks. He went to put snow tires on my car and came back with the tires and my snacks.

He also got me a card and flowers (he’s better at expressing how he feels in writing sometimes) and said he’d do better.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ for getting a refrigerator. You have every right to be annoyed and frustrated that he has no respect for you concerning food.

What bothers me is that after eating your food, he tells you to go out and buy more. That is some nerve. Why doesn’t he go out himself and replace the food he took? He sounds extraordinarily selfish.

Unless he is willing to have some kind of couples counseling, I’m afraid he will keep behaving this way even after the baby arrives.” Paevatar

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You know that abusers often wait until they believe their victims are trapped before letting loose? Sometimes it’s living together, sometimes marriage, and very often pregnancy. He’s taking things away from you and forcing (trying anyway) you to fix the problem.

Sounds like he resents being put second to the baby, and is acting out because he too, is a giant baby.

You can tell because he messed up the ice cream. If he was just eating it, he wouldn’t have carved out your favorite part, just for himself.

He’s the one that started the war, you just called his bluff. I hope you are very careful about how you proceed with this relationship if you can’t beat to the bottom of this. People who mess with food are very dangerous. Whether it’s tampering, forcing, withholding, or stealing, it’s all messing with the fundamentals of life.

It’s not just that he’s eating, he’s saying you are responsible, and you need to fix it. And you need to do the fixing his way. You need to scurry around and buy more. You can’t buy some device that will secure your food, that’s against the rules of war!

Seriously though. Don’t be surprised if he decides that lock is a good idea down the line when he feels like your kids eat too much.” ScammerC

Another User Comments:

“NTJ but have you asked him why? Like, really pressed for answers? I’ve heard some guys experience sympathy symptoms and begin eating just as much food when their SO is pregnant, and he might be embarrassed or doesn’t understand it.

It’s definitely not OK for him to do this and it could cause issues down the line if there’s no proper communication.

You’ll want to talk with him and see if you can figure out what is happening in a way that prevents a build-up of resentment/future issues.

If it really is sympathy symptoms, he can just replace snacks with double the amount and enjoy them with you while you prepare for your new squishy addition to the family. I do hope this gets resolved and don’t listen to some of the other commenters.

Yes, it’s not a great situation, but that doesn’t mean considering divorce just yet. Try some marriage troubleshooting first.

Also, good luck with your master’s!” DragonGyrlWren

“My husband and I moved in a few months ago, we both have kids from separate marriages. He has two kids Maxine and Lana (6&8) and I have one kid Valentina (7f).

His kids hold a special place in my heart just like my little one does too and I consider them my kids. However, we moved in a few months ago so I have a rule that my husband and I came up with that at least one day a week, we take the kids out with their parent for bonding time just one on one.

We had this rule to ensure that neither of the kids feel like we are taking over and they don’t have their parent anymore. I don’t want his kids to feel like I’m taking him away from them and vice versa. The rest of the week we go on together as a family.

So the other day my husband, Maxine, and Lana were going out and Valentina and I were going out. Before they left Valentina said she wanted to go with them. First, the kids didn’t look too up to it and didn’t seem to share her excitement, they were talking all week about how they were gonna go to the zoo with their dad, and I didn’t want to take that away from them.

I hadn’t told Valentina what we were doing that day yet so it was a surprise. So I said we are going somewhere else, she got upset and said she wanted to go to the zoo.

I said that this was their time, and we are going to have a lot of fun where we are going.

She started getting fussy about it and my husband said to just let her. But I said no, I need her to understand that sometimes they will go out just them, and if I indulge in her fit she will keep doing it.

At that point, I decided to just tell her where we are going and instantly her tears went away.

They left, and all of us had a great time and every kid was happy, however, my husband said that I should’ve just let her come with them and that he wants her to feel like she was a part of the family.

I again told him I know he wants that, and she’s made herself right at home, but they need to know that they can still have daddy and daughter time, just them and vice versa.

This is a big change, they are still little and I just wanna make sure that we are handling this in a way that everyone’s happy and no one feels neglected.

I suggested since we are always blended with the kids all together or apart, we could make it a priority to take out Valentina with him and Maxine and Lana with me.

So we have our time together and apart and switched, and give us all a chance to bond together.

He liked the idea but is still upset that I didn’t let her come with him because he wants to make her feel like she’s in the family too.

And doesn’t like that she didn’t come with.

I feel like everyone’s trying their best here, everyone wants the best for the kids, but I don’t know a better compromise. I feel like just always having the kids together, and never 1 on 1 time, will sooner or later cause issues.”

Another User Comments:

“No jerks here but you may be overthinking it a bit.

First and foremost, I want to commend your foresight. You seem like an amazing stepmom who has everyone’s best interest in mind, so you are definitely NTJ for that.

However, be wary that these constant switches may end up backfiring.

My feeling is that parents having different kids on different days will happen organically, and you trying to control the situation may end up posing more of a threat than a bonding moment.

Just keep lines of communication open and be thankful that your daughter WANTS to spend time with her stepdad and step-siblings.” Memphisdreams

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, parenting is hard enough without the little ones throwing a hissy fit at some point. There is no right or wrong and what you have done seems to be a win-win for everyone. The 7-year-old has long gotten over the incident and doubts if she doesn’t feel part of the family.

Adults have to just let go and move on with their lives and as you mentioned, if you let the kids make decisions, they end up wanting more of it. So it’s good to stick to your agreed plans and get on with it. Talk to your husband and I am sure he will come around.

Good to see a family who looks after everyone and does things to make it all work. Hats off to you mama for the awesome effort you are putting in and the kids are lucky to have you in their life.” SPolowiski

Another User Comments:

“No jerks here because I can see how hard you’re both trying to make this transition easier and smooth for everyone. Not gonna call you a jerk for that. And I also agree with your reasoning that the girls were looking forward to their dad time and it wasn’t fair to let Valentina crash that because she was having a tantrum.

Your plan for the future sounds good.

But also, I would maybe try and keep these outings as surprises until the day of. If Valentina had been hearing all week about her step-sibling’s fun trip to the zoo that she wasn’t invited to, yeah that’s probably gonna make her feel left out and hurt.” oneblessedmess

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, parent/child bonding time is very important. However, maybe keep what activity is planned quiet until the day of to avoid jealousy/whining/bragging. Also, could you do a switch off: the first week of the month you take your biological child and he takes his, second week he takes ‘your’ child, you take ‘his’, three weeks he takes all three while you go out with friends/have alone time/whatever you want, fourth week you take all three while he does whatever.

That way you both get alone time with ‘your’ child/ren and also spend time with all the kids. Sounds like you are all doing the best you can to make the transition into one family the best it can be.” 7nieko

“My partner and I are both 27-year-old men who have been together for around 5 months.

Yesterday I had a date planned for us. We were to drive into the city, eat Italian, shop, then watch a movie before cooking dinner at home.

My partner is the type to get ‘hangry’, so he usually has a bite before we leave the house.

He skipped his small snack yesterday, though.

When we got to the restaurant, it was closed for renovation. I felt the hangry clock ticking and I needed a solution quickly. We got back in the car and drove to another restaurant. They had tables but it would be a 25-minute wait.

Not too long for me, but who knows how Mr. Hangry would feel. He looks fine with it, so I confirm the table and it’s a 25-minute wait.

We wait for a minute before I get the idea that we should check out another Italian restaurant in the area.

I figured they might be able to seat us in less than 25 minutes. Before we got there, though, the previous restaurant texted us that our table was ready. So we went back.

At the table, my partner is in complete distress from his hangriness. He can’t even speak.

He apologizes in advance for being rude, and that he just needs to get some food in him. He asks where the bathroom is, but since the restaurant is a maze, I offered to take him.

When we got back to our table, without hesitation he asked, ‘Did we order yet?’ We haven’t ordered yet, of course.

Now I’m feeling like taking him to the bathroom was a bad decision because otherwise, I would have been able to order and fix his hunger sooner.

My partner looked at the menu, but due to his headache, put it down and told me, ‘Just order for me.

You know this place. I’ll just have what you’re having.’

‘Easy enough,’ I thought. I ordered some of my favorite dishes.

When our waiter left the table, my partner asked me, snarkily, ‘Did you forget I wasn’t eating cheese?’

Immediately, I apologize for dropping the ball!

I totally forgot. I told him to please order something else. We could call the waiter back and fix this right now. My partner said it’s fine and that he’ll eat cheese — it’s not a big deal. I said it’s a big deal to me and since he’s helped me stick to my own diet, ‘I feel especially bad.’

His response: ‘You should feel bad.’ This is when things turned south. I was already apologizing for dropping the ball, and he was making me feel additionally bad on top of it. He says this comment was a joke, but I told him that there’s no way I would have thought he was making a joke with the attitude he had leading up to it.

I started to cry at the table before asking for the check. How embarrassing.

I spent the whole day trying to do something nice, and the whole thing feels ruined because my partner can’t control his attitude when he was hungry.

Did I really do such a bad thing by forgetting that my partner was trying to stay away from cheese?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, but your partner sure is. He can’t just say ‘Order me what you’re having,’ and then start to verbally berate you when you do just that. You aren’t his mommy. It’s not your job to memorize and enforce his latest food requirements.

He is a grown man who was sitting right there that is entirely capable of doing that.

He could have stopped you when you were ordering and ordered something else. Instead, he decided to enjoy attacking you and verbally abusing you once the waiter had already left. This honestly sounds like it was a trap, purposefully laid, so he could take advantage of you.

This relationship sounds extremely abusive. He attacked you until you were crying in public for something that isn’t even your job. Please end the relationship and get away from this guy.” imothro

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You made an honest mistake, having been put on the spot and asked to order for him.

He literally sat right there in silence, heard your mistake, had the opportunity to correct it before the waiter even left the table, and chose not to. He made what appears to be a conscious decision to let it ride just so he could make a snarky comment and use the error as ammunition against you.

Maybe it’s because he was hangry at the moment as you say, but that feels excuse-y to me. Also, I’m sitting here thinking, in an Italian restaurant, wouldn’t MOST dishes have some sort of cheese and/or cream component? Why didn’t he remind you of this new dietary restriction before you even got there?” wirwarennamenlos

Another User Comments:

“Are you his partner or his nanny?

NTJ

You forgot, it’s an honest mistake, you apologized and tried to fix the order, but he decided to be a martyr & then blame you. Plus, he’s trying to eat ‘less’ dairy, not none at all.

Are you the one who knows you get feral when you go too long without a snack and yet forgot to eat a snack? No. You are not.

This is happening because he likes conflict & having an excuse to make you the bad guy more than he likes food.

Or you. He doesn’t have to eat it, but he doesn’t get to yell at you.” NopeRope777

“I (41M) have been living with my roommates (married couple, 41M and 36F) for several years now. Four years ago they had a daughter.

I work a full-time, night-shift job.

The wife of the couple works at a restaurant. The husband is an online content creator.

A few months ago, I was asked by the husband to watch their child for ‘a couple of hours’ while he ran errands. I agreed since I had just gotten off work.

It was around 9 AM at this time, and I figured I could always sleep right afterward.

Well, a couple of hours turned into EIGHT HOURS, as the husband used this time to get lunch, run a few extra errands, and acquire some stuff for his online stuff.

I was already angry at this point, and when the wife got home I told her what was going on.

Then the husband got home with what he felt was ‘proper payment’ for watching his child: a $6 pizza from Little Ceasers. I essentially got paid 75 cents an hour for watching their child.

A couple of weeks ago, I was asked again by the husband if I could watch their child. I flat-out refused, reminding him of what happened last time. He got angry, calling me selfish, and that his errands are now going to take longer. I told him it was not my child, and I was not going to watch someone else’s kid for almost nothing.

He stormed out with his kid and said that if I need something from him, I’d better rethink about asking.

Was I being a jerk?

EDIT: The wife is an innocent bystander in this. She was at her job when this went down. She didn’t know her husband was going to pull this nonsense, and even she agrees what he did was crap.

The husband is a TTRPG (tabletop role-playing game) streamer, and he had spent the majority of that eight hours at the local game store buying and painting minis for the game he runs on Twitch.

Yes, I did call him while he was out because one of the cats got sick and threw up in my lap.

When I called him to tell him what happened, I was told to ‘Call him when something important happens.'”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, he has no respect for your time so why should you care his errands would take longer? He took advantage last time and it’s good that you nipped it in the bud.

His wife agrees with you as well so at least you have that backup.

You work nights, he knows this but still thought being 6 hours late was acceptable. A paid babysitter would be hacked off expecting the parents to come home at 10 but then walk through the door at 4 am, how is this different?

He needs to get used to running errands with a 4-year-old in tow. Parents do it all the time.” lizfour

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

Actions have consequences.

He asked for a favor, which was small enough to be acceptable to you – you did the math in your head and figured a few hours was not a huge inconvenience.

What he actually did was turn a small favor into a huge one that you would never have accepted in the first place, and completely took advantage of your goodwill.

Now you can no longer trust that he won’t just do the same again (especially given he seems completely unapologetic about it), and he has blown the opportunity to get your help.

The issue is entirely his fault, and now he has to live with the (perfectly reasonable) consequences.” nrsys

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. They’re not entitled to a free babysitter just because you live in the same apartment and pay 1/3 of its expenses. Considering he failed to even properly pay you for your time/work and just took it for granted and can’t even see where he went wrong he’s the jerk.

Also, he cut into your sleep schedule with this bullcrap and stayed out way longer than he promised to, without noticing or anything. You’ll probably be better off finding another living accommodation, or having a serious talk with his wife about not repeating this incident.” Andy_Chaoz

“I (26F) and my fiance (27F) moved into a house over the summer. We are quite happy with the house and have one cat. My cat is not a huge fan of dogs as we adopted her from the shelter, and her previous owners had large dogs that were not friendly towards her.

If a dog is outside and she sees one through the window, she will hiss until it passes.

Friends respect our wishes on not wanting dogs brought to our house. My parents have two small yappy dogs, and they always bring them when they visit.

She will hide in our bedroom and will come out when they have left. My sister (29F) and her husband are staying with my parents and are bringing their two dogs, a German shepherd, and a husky. Neither of the dogs has been around cats.

My parents are having their kitchen remodeled, and my fiance offered to host Christmas at our house.

My sister texted asking if she could bring her dogs over to the house. I replied back to let her know that our cat was not okay with dogs and that we would prefer it if she didn’t bring them.

My parents are not bringing their dogs. My sister argued that the shepherd had anxiety and did not like being separated from her. She suggested putting our cat in the bedroom and I told her that I was not changing my mind. She is upset and blames me for ruining the holiday over a cat.

My parents think that I should compromise and put my cat in our bedroom for one day.

My fiance just wants to have a nice holiday with the family and doesn’t want any stress. I am getting it from both my sister, BIL, and my parents.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

Your house, your rules, and you have no idea how these dogs will react to a home that has a cat. Not even interacting with it, but even just the smell of ‘cat’. Nor do you know how they’ll react to being in your home specifically (are they allowed on furniture at home?

Even without a cat, would you accept large dogs on furniture in your home?)

Doggy daycare exists for a reason, and if the shepherd has such severe separation anxiety that it can not spend a day without its human, that should be addressed as well.

After all, what would your sister do in the event of an emergency?” meltyzucchini

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

Your cat doesn’t deserve to squat in a dark bedroom all by herself, terrified in her own home, on Christmas day. Your sister can go to the vet and get her dog something for its anxiety if she’s so concerned. Not to mention that her dogs could kill your cat.

They are big enough and no one knows how they will react.

‘Merry Christmas, I’m sorry you had to watch my dogs tear your cat apart right in front of you. Who would have thought someone would open a closed door? I’d stay to help clean up the b***d, but you know how anxious my shepherd gets.

I’m just going to take her home. Byeee!'” Office_Desk906

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. The cat lives there, NOT your sister and she needs to find a dog sitter for a few hours if this is a problem. You have every right to keep potentially untrained dogs who may attack your cat or damage the home in other ways from entering your space.

You didn’t ask her to bring them with her and they aren’t your problem…

If it was me, I’d tell her the dogs are NOT to enter the home. I’d tell her if the dogs show up on my doorstep she’s not stepping foot into the house with them.

She can either keep them in the car or put them in the back yard but they won’t be in the house, so she can plan accordingly.

I banned dogs after I had one ruin my security deposit by peeing on the brand-new carpet of my rental apartment.

Since that day I banned all other dogs I didn’t own from visiting my home.

Don’t let family push you around. Not all households are equipped with dogs and no owner should have to deal with animals they don’t want in their home or be stressed about interactions between the visiting animals and the resident animals.” depressivedarling

“My wife and I are expecting a baby girl in February.

My wife has decided the baby will be in very low contact with my side of the family because she doesn’t like their humor, which is very harsh and includes lots of sarcasm. They feel she is wrong to ask them to change and it should be a good enough compromise to not do it to her or the baby, but she doesn’t want our daughter exposed to it.

She told my mom point blank that she is the worst offender and the ‘game’ she plays with my step-grandma is a big part of the reason. They like to compete to see who can think of the worst insult. I am sad about this but have decided to back my wife, so my mom knows she is not going to see much of our daughter.

With that being said I didn’t think she would be invited to the shower because it seems tacky to invite her to a gift-giving event for a child she can’t see. Well, my wife came to me furious a few days ago, because my mom declined, didn’t send a gift, and didn’t send a nice text or anything.

I pointed out that she is hardly going to let her see the baby, so why would she?

My wife said it was a snub and I should be angry. I said that I honestly wasn’t and I can’t believe she invited my mom. It seems a bit entitled like her money is good enough but she isn’t.

My wife blew up and kicked me out of our room overnight to calm down. I am refusing to apologize as I really don’t think she should have invited her.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

But I am really feeling puzzled here as to why you accepted this level of contact in the first place if it is just that your wife doesn’t like their humor unless you have left out that your family is actively cruel and rude to your wife and does it to her all the time against her wishes/breaks a lot of other boundaries.

Your wife sounds like she just wants her way and you aren’t really being allowed your own opinion.

And like, it is absolutely entitled to expect gifts for your child while not letting that person see them. Gifts shouldn’t buy a relationship obviously, but you also don’t tend to give them if there isn’t one as they are part of building a relationship.” EnergyThat1518

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, if she doesn’t want your mother to play a grandmother role, she can’t expect your mother to front grandmother money.

But honestly, I think you need to look over your relationship and see how else your wife is being unreasonable. Because I get not wanting to fight for the bedroom tonight since you need your sleep for work perhaps, but if you just give in when she’s being unreasonable and allow her to take over space in the house, it’s something you should start fighting back on because you two are partners in equals in the house.

It’s unreasonable for her to decide that you need to sleep on the couch because she’s angry with you and wants to punish you and not settle the issue. It’s an advanced version of the silent treatment and it’s not acceptable.” JCBashBash

Another User Comments:

“You’re absolutely correct and NTJ.

Your wife wants to have her cake and eat it, too. She’s being tacky and inappropriate, and she has no right to be angry here. In fact, she should probably sit with the fact that she’s behaving an awful lot like the in-laws she finds so offensive: she has been hurtful to them (if understandably so and with good reason) by informing them that she does not want them to have a relationship with your soon-to-be-born child, and then turned around and expected them to behave as if their feelings aren’t hurt.

That’s not how things work.

To be clear, I absolutely support the decision to be in low contact with your side of the family. While I have a dark sense of humor, there is a very specific difference between dark, wry humor and sarcasm specifically, which you’ve touched upon – a difference that a lot of people seem to miss, which is that sarcasm is INHERENTLY MALICIOUS.

By definition, sarcasm involves deliberately mocking people… it is inherently contemptuous and malicious, and it isn’t just wry or dark, it’s innately cruel. Your family is within their rights to refuse to change, but there’s no reason in the world why anyone should HAVE to be around people whose rallying cry is, ‘I choose to be cruel to those around me for fun, and I have no interest in changing’.

I wouldn’t want my kids around people like that either. My parents taught me that people who think sarcasm is the height of humor aren’t generally people I should trust in ANY sort of relationship, because they are people who put their amusement above the feelings of others.

But having said that, now that your wife has made that choice, she cannot expect the people she has pointedly excluded from her life to want to be a part of celebrating her or her child. Why should they? Nope. You are NTJ, and your wife needs to be more realistic.” FoolMe1nceShameOnU

“I (59) have a son (40) from when I was young and dumb. He has six kids with his wife and I have two kids from my marriage.

A non-binary child (24) and a daughter (21). They both know they have an older half-brother and nieces and nephews through him but haven’t been interested in him since they were young.

He lived in a developing country with his mom so it’s not like he would have been a huge part of their lives.

He is a huge part of mine. His mom and I are still close friends and I provided for him his entire life and helped her get an education. She is a government official in our home country. And my son is a doctor there.

I live in Ohio with my wife and kids. Neither of my children with my wife has any desire to have kids. My assigned male at birth child is nonbinary and my daughter is a lesbian. I don’t care. I still love both of them.

They sat me down this summer to tell me that they aren’t planning on having children. I told them that I respect their decision and that I hope they have the lives they want. I guess that wasn’t the response they were expecting. They got really upset and said that I didn’t care about them.

I told them that I love them and that I don’t want them to make any choices for themselves based on what I would want them to do.

They said that I don’t care what they do because I already have six grandchildren. They said my wife, their mom, was really hurt when they talked to her and that I was an emotionless jerk for not caring that they won’t be having kids.

My wife and I travel to see my grandchildren all the time. She loves them all and they consider her their grandmother. Our kids have not come with us since my daughter was 13. They don’t like the country I was born in. My wife and I plan to retire there.

I’m not sure what they want from me. I am respecting their decisions for their lives. But both of them think I don’t care since I already have grandchildren without them.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Your kids just want to complain about something. They resent their half-brother.

They resent their nieces and nephews. They resent you taking multiple trips a year to this other country. They resent that money is sent abroad for the family. They probably resent your retirement plans.

If you had an emotional reaction to them not having kids then it would have been ‘Why don’t you support who we are like you support brother?’ There’s no way you could do well in that conversation in their eyes.

But you did the right thing.

Make sure you are giving them attention and showing them love. If they haven’t wanted to come on trips to your home country since they were 13, perhaps they feel abandoned every time you go. It doesn’t make their attitude right, but a young teenager will develop strong emotions about a situation and that carries on through the adult years.

It’s hard to overcome that teenage logic, despite now being old enough.” JDorian0817

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

They asked you about being childfree and if would you mind – you said you respect their decision and hope they have the lives that they want.

Then your children got upset with the answer. That bit is a little strange.

It is almost like they wanted another reaction from you. Maybe it was a weird type of test however you gave a correct answer. It is THEIR life and it is THEIR choice.

They are adults and you are letting them choose their own path.

Is it possible they have some unresolved jealousy as their mother loves your grandchildren?” Inallea

Another User Comments:

“NTJ but clearly something’s up. Even if you don’t think you are in the wrong or said anything wrong—they got the impression you did (either by how you said what you said or how you’ve said other things).

To resolve this and set better foundations for the rest of your guys’ relationship I’d consider sitting them down again and say you were reflecting on the conversation and wanted them to know you love and care about them. Then think about what in their futures you could express care/involvement in.

For example, maybe, saying I would love to meet your partners in the future and take you guys out to dinner. Or I’d love to help you when you are looking to buy your first house. Think of the other ‘milestones’ that parents show care and involvement in besides having grandkids.” Chunkymonkey51