People Want To Know Whose Side We're On In Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
16. WIBTJ For Calling The Police On My Partner?
“I (28F) inherited a holiday home from my grandma some time ago.
I never really use it as it’s roughly a 5-hour drive out from London, where I live. It’s relevant to the story that:
The keys to the holiday home are on a rack, with literally every other key to anything my partner or I own.
-The holiday house has a security system hooked up to my phone (when it detects someone on the property cameras turns on and I can see them).
My partner’s brother (33M) recently had his 4th child.
He and his wife currently live in a 2 bedroom apartment.
So three days ago, they were both over at my and my partner’s house with all their kids, we were talking about anything and everything, I was holding the baby.
My partner’s brother eventually mentioned how I have my holiday home and how it has more than enough space for him and his wife to raise their 4 kids. My exact response was: ‘Yeah but I’m not gonna let you live there so…’ He went quiet after that and his wife started to collect their kids and their things, they left about 10 minutes after.
My partner hasn’t said anything to me about the conversation, yet I’m feeling bad about my response because I know they really do need the space.
So fast forward to yesterday. I wake up for work and realize my partner isn’t in bed with me, nothing out of the ordinary.
He works from 8:30 am. When I’m finally about to walk out the door, I go to grab my keys and notice my holiday home’s keys are gone. I look around for them, can’t find them, so I call my partner.
The first time he doesn’t answer, the second time he doesn’t answer, and the third time he does. The conversation went: ‘Hey have you seen my other house’s keys?’ ‘Yes, I have them,’ ‘Cool, why’ve you got them though?’ ‘Grabbed them by accident.
I’ll return them when I’m back from work.’
I thought everything would be fine so I continued with my day and went on to work. Midway through my workday, I get a notification from the house’s security system.
I open it and find my partner, his brother, and his family all outside the door with a moving van in the back. I was fuming.
When I got home, my partner was already there, acting as if everything was normal. I started screaming at him asking why he’d move a family into MY house without my permission.
He tried to justify it and say he ‘had to help his family’, it honestly just made me angrier. I told him that we were over. He has 1 day to get his brother and his family out of my house or I would call the police on them all for trespassing.
That all happened at around 6 yesterday (14 hours ago). He hasn’t called me or anything, but I fully intend to go through with my threat. But I know they’re struggling right now.
So, WIBTJ for calling the police?
EDIT: By searching through the UK’s Government website I’ve managed to figure out what I can legally do. I’ve also called the police on them already. I haven’t received any updates on that yet but I’ll share them when I can.
EDIT 2: I called the police a small while ago. About 30 minutes ago they came and returned my keys and let me know that the family had been told to leave by them. At first, they refused, but eventually, they packed their things up and went.
My EX, his brother, and his brother’s wife have been blowing up my phone asking why I’d put them and their children through this, I’ve blocked them all. I feel absolutely terrible about what I did and I know there were probably better ways to handle the situation, I even considered letting them stay after all, but I’m not sure if they would pay rent or anything.
For the future, I plan to rent the home out, as many of you suggested. But I’m not sure how my ex’s family would take that.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your partner stole your keys with the intention of aiding his brother and family to steal your house from under you.
There is no rental/leasing agreement in place and when this was discussed with you, you asserted your rights as the property owner to say no.
Call the police – sooner rather than later, change the locks on the property, and change the locks on your flat.
Pack your partner’s belongings and arrange to have them delivered to where he will be staying in the future – presumably, he will be living with his brother and 4 kids to help them out.
Edit: If the property is 5 hours away from London this isn’t just moving into a new place – this is a planned life change in addition to a new baby – how else could they just up-sticks without making work arrangements and sorting out schools for the existing children?
I suspect that ex and family have been planning this for some time.” Puss-Kat
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and call the cops immediately. They are squatting in your house and might damage the property out of spite.
Your partner knew what he was doing. He knew you have this holiday home and stole the keys, lying to your face that he grabbed them by accident and then went behind your back to let his family live there without permission.
If the security system hadn’t notified you, you would’ve suddenly gotten bills for the duration of their stay. Plus, this is your property. What if they injure themselves while they are there?
This would be a personal relationship breaker.
He not only lied to your face but took property that wasn’t his and gave it away for someone else to use so he would feel better about himself.
He didn’t even have the balls to sit down with you and ASK your permission in order to help his brother out.
BIL even received a verbal ‘No, you’re not gonna live there’ when he started fishing for permission from you.
Call the cops and find yourself a better partner who doesn’t steal, lie and go behind your back.” Shifting2Wolf
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You told them, buyer, plainly that they couldn’t have the house & they moved in as they owned it anyway afterward. (And it’s not like they want the house for a weekend vacation – they want to ‘raise their family’ there.
So they want the house for YEARS to come – which would be equivalent to giving the house to them.)
They knew you said no. Then they either badgered your partner into stealing the keys & letting them have the house anyway -OR – he simply chose to steal the keys on his own & they were okay with accepting what they knew was stolen property to use because it suited them.
Call the police for SURE. Idk what the laws are there, but it could be a legal NIGHTMARE to get them out if they establish residency.” TheFlamingSquirrel
15. AITJ For Not Wanting My Husband To Teach Our Future Baby Spanish?
“I am currently 37 weeks pregnant so we are getting ready to receive our girl.
The problem is my husband has recently told me he wants to teach her Spanish too.
The thing is, he isn‘t even Spanish! He was born here but lived in Spain from he was 4 until he was 19.
Now, if he had some sort of cultural or family connection to Spain then I might consider it. But he is American!
When he initially told me at around 21 weeks, I thought he was joking so I let it go, but now that he brought it up again I told him how I felt about it.
I told him what I told you guys above and that it would be hard for her because they are very different languages.
He started arguing that there are many kids who are raised bilingual and are very smart but I also feel like it might cut me off from my child.
He is mad at me for not accepting and I can’t help but wonder if I was a jerk here.”
Another User Comments:
“I understand that you’re scared, but YTJ. Hear me out: you would essentially be depriving your child of HUGE life advantage, because of your own insecurities.
I don’t believe that’s the kind of parent you really want to be. Also, do you realize that you would probably end up learning a lot of Spanish from your daughter, as she’s learning it?
You’d be watching her learn Spanish in tandem with English, and you’d undoubtedly pick up a lot without even trying that hard.
Here’s the thing, if I found out that one of my parents had wanted to raise me bilingual, but the other stopped that, I would resent the parent who deprived me of that skill FOREVER.
Do you think it’s never going to come up? It will. Take a moment and consider how you are going to justify that to them when your kid is a teenager and struggling to learn Spanish in an overcrowded high school class, with a teacher who doesn’t really want to be there, when they could’ve just picked it up naturally without any effort on their part.
I get that you’re pregnant and probably feeling vulnerable, but part of being a parent (arguably the most important part) is doing what’s best for your children, even if it’s not what you want.
Being bilingual is 100% the best thing for your daughter. You have a chance to give your child a head start in an increasingly difficult world. Don’t waste it.” n0b0dyneeds2know
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I’m not sure why you are opposed to this. It’s not as difficult to learn as you are making it seem. Kids have an enormous capacity for learning. My local school system has a Spanish immersion program that starts in kindergarten.
Also, living all of your developmental years surrounded by culture is likely to create some connection there.
Do you get offended when people move to the United States and connect with the culture here?
Or would you prefer that everyone just assimilate completely into American culture to ensure you don’t feel ‘cut’ off?
Also, your child knowing a second language isn’t going to keep you from connecting with them but it might be a catalyst for them to connect to others in the future.
The safety, love, and comfort that you provide (or don’t) will be what impacts your connection.
I think you should really examine what makes you upset about this. Is it true that you think it will be too hard for your child?
(Way to limit their potential before they are born!) Is that he is American? (I don’t think anyone needs to tell you the vibe your ‘This Is America’ attitude gives off.)” Caffienatedhuman
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Growing up bilingual is a gift. I’ve had to learn my second language as an adult, which wouldn’t have been a problem if one of my parents had raised me to speak 2 languages.
Your daughter will have so many more opportunities for friends, jobs, travel, and networking if she knew another language.
I keep seeing you say, ‘He’s not even Spanish!’ When I think what you’re meaning to say is that he isn’t ‘brown.’ Or ‘brown enough.’ Because only brown people speak Spanish right?
You’re going to be excluded from their conversations? What has stopped you the whole time you’ve been together from learning from him? What’s stopping you from learning when your daughter does, from the very beginning to make it easier?
You say, ‘I’m a grown adult with a full-time job…’ blah blah blah. As if learning another language is a waste of time and beneath you or your child. I bet you wanna travel to a bunch of different places and never even attempt to learn even simple phrases because ‘they should just speak English.’
Insufferable.” JunjiItosCats
14. AITJ For Not Wanting To Treat My Cat For Cancer?
“So my cat, S, is about 5 years old and has a tumor on her side.
The vet said that we can remove the tumor, and potentially buy her another good year or 2, which I have opted to do.
But I am forgoing more aggressive treatment.
I am now facing blowback from my family, simply because of the amount that I have put into my dog- roughly $4k, most of which was having his hip fixed after he was run over.
But the budget is not the issue here. If I thought that it would make her better, I would go through with it. But even with treatment, the vet didn’t give us good odds.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“Vet tech here. NTJ. It is entirely your choice as to what you think you and your cat can manage. I have been in this job for nearly ten years and have never criticized anyone for declining chemo/radiation/etc.
I would suggest, if possible, having a consultation with a specialist as to the benefits and negatives of the proposed treatment plan, just to get the best possible perspective. With animals, we have to take into account that they don’t know what the treatment is for, which can change our perspective on how much discomfort during treatment is acceptable.
Some chemo, radiation, etc. is palliative rather than curative in intent, and that’s also something to discuss.
For most solid tumors, removal – surgery – is the primary treatment, with adjunct treatments providing a relatively small benefit in terms of lifespan.
Doesn’t mean they’re not worth doing in many cases, of course, but surgery is the most important treatment.
I would encourage you to be extra vigilant for signs of discomfort and pain in your cat going forward.
Weight loss, loss of appetite, etc. There’s plenty that can be done to make your cat’s life comfortable for as long as possible, and it’s important to recognize when that’s no longer possible.
Please don’t hesitate to talk to your vet if you have any concerns.
The best of luck to you and S. It’s a rough situation but sounds like you’ve put a lot of thought a lot about it.
I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this.” ledasmom
Another User Comments:
“Former Vet Tech here and you are absolutely NTJ. Fixing a hip and treating cancer are two different ballgames.
For example, I knew a lady once who had cancer and her soulmate dog also got cancer. She decided to treat cancer since she was also fighting it. That dog was MISERABLE. It’s rough on them and they don’t understand why.
Let your kitty have a good time and when their quality of life Is diminished, you’ll know. I’d personally rather give my cat 1-2 years of love and attention and compassion than a fight it doesn’t understand.” cat_lady3219
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sometimes we have to make the decisions for our pets that they can’t make themselves. You understandably don’t want to put your cat through more suffering than necessary.
The dog was different because his hip was fixable and he has presumably had a good quality of life since.
He wasn’t given a death sentence.
All you would be doing for the cat is prolonging their pain and discomfort. I am sorry for you that your family can’t support your decision.” pocket_novelist
13. AITJ For Refusing To Give Up My Place For My Sister's Wedding Picture?
“I (F17) am what most people would call unattractive… I have inherited the worst physical traits from both parents. My first cousin (F23), on the other hand, won as far as the genetic lottery goes and is good-looking enough to be a model.
I was my sister’s maid of honor, and I was supposed to stand beside her for all the wedding pictures. Our cousin, who was a bridesmaid, was not going to be present for all the pictures.
When the photographer announced that he was starting to take the group pictures, my aunt (cousin’s mum) pulled me aside to ‘kindly’ tell me that it would look better if my cousin stood beside the bride as she would ‘enhance’ the scene.
I refused as I was the MOH and the bride’s sister. My aunt became angry and told me I was creating a scene, my sister looked uncomfortable but didn’t say anything. My mum told me to adjust as it was just a matter of some pictures while my dad said that I shouldn’t have to change my place.
I stood my ground and refused to move for the pictures which left my aunt and cousin disgruntled. My mum was furious as she said that I had ruined the pictures because everyone was feeling uncomfortable at the end.
My mum and dad are arguing at the moment. AITJ?
A little clarification: It is true that I have conventionally undesirable f****l features, but it doesn’t affect me or my self-esteem as much as it used to.
I do not believe that the argument was staged by my sister because she wanted someone prettier to stand beside her. We both love each other very much and she is the best older sister I could ever get.
She was probably just overwhelmed and stressed, it was her wedding day after all.”
Another User Comments:
“Wow, I feel angry for you. NTJ! At all! Your aunt, mom, and cousin are incredibly insensitive and inconsiderate.
Your aunt created the scene, not you! She and your cousin should have respected you as the maid of honor, the bride’s sister, and heck, their own family. Asking you was rude enough, but insisting and causing trouble was unbelievable.
Your mom should have had your back. She has some nerve to say that you ruined the pictures when it was their horrible behavior and attitudes that caused the problem. They sound ugly and unattractive in my book.
Your sister should have had your back as well. If anyone spoke to my sisters like that, things will go down. OP, I am truly so sorry that they suck, except your dad of course.
Hooray for him. That incident aside, I truly hope you enjoyed the other parts of the wedding. The picture is 100% better with you in your rightful place. Good for you for standing up for yourself!” PeachMangoPiRSquared
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your aunt is a jerk for saying that 2 you, I didn’t get the looks either my cousin did too. You’re beautiful no matter what, inside and out! It’s not up to your aunt who stands next to the bride, your sister chose you no matter what you look like, you’re her sister and she loves you for who you are!
Your cousin is lucky to be a bridesmaid if she’s the ‘stunner’ of the family. There are a lot of bridezillas out there who wouldn’t have her upstage her and if anything putting her next to the bride would do exactly that!
You stood your ground and that’s all that matters, yes your sister should have stepped in and said no but it doesn’t matter now, besides the photographer usually corrects stuff like that anyway! Don’t let your aunt put you down like that again!
She has no right and it’s just downright hurtful to say that to a teenage girl!” Girlb0ss95
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your cousin might have won the genetic lottery, but having beauty on the outside doesn’t mean it goes further than skin deep.
You were MOH. You stand next to the bride. End. Of. Story.
Your aunt, mum, and cousin are the jerks here (maybe your sister too, as she should have told them NO, but I’ll let it off cos it was her wedding and she was probably stressed by it) your cousin doesn’t need to be next the bride to ‘enhance’ the pictures.
They wanted her in there so she could be seen. It wasn’t about your cousin, or you not moving. It was about the three of them being entitled enough to think that cousin deserves a glory spot on someone else’s day.
Let your parents argue. Your dad is right, mum is wrong and the only reason no one looks comfortable in the pics is because of their ridiculous demand, to begin with.” HunterDangerous1366
12. AITJ For Demanding My Son To Take His Daughter On His Family Trip To Disneyland?
“I got pregnant with my son Julius (28) about a month after my 18th birthday. I tried to do my best for him and he got into a good engineering school but at 19, he got his then-partner Iza pregnant and they had Annabella together.
I’ve been the one who has mostly raised her (Iza got deported but they spend July together and FT every night). Julius got married to his girl Katja after graduation and they have two wonderful boys together.
Annabella lives with me and not with them.
The thing is, Julius never spends any time with Annabella. He doesn’t even call to say goodnight. But she loves him so much. It’s like once a month, he’ll show up with a box full of toys, spend a day with her and then go back to his family.
It hurts her so much that he doesn’t spend time with her because he’s her hero. I’m just grandma. And no, he doesn’t act this way because of his wife. Katja would love to have Annabella move in with them, she once brought up the idea and she went on about all the things they could do together.
She would love to be her stepmom, calls her princess, sweetie and so many nice nicknames. The only reason they haven’t is because Julius has said she should stay with me.
A few days ago, Julius told me that he and Katja were planning a trip to Disneyland in August. I told him that Annabella would be so excited and he should tell her on her birthday and he just blankly told me she was not coming and the trip is for his boys.
I made it clear to him that he needed to bring her on the trip and he just called me a jerk – which he’s never done before – for trying to control him.
I admit that I was a bit controlling in my reaction but I don’t think I went that far.”
Another User Comments:
“You can’t force your son to be a good dad or good human being, but NTJ for trying.
You don’t by any chance have the funds to take your granddaughter to Disney World I suppose?
You’re not just Grandma, you’re Annabella’s main guardian. Your son abdicated his position as a parent.
Is therapy an option? Annabella has already been hurt by her ‘dad,’ and she subconsciously knows she’s least loved. I think the moment your son refused to take in Annabella he should have been cut out of her life, but I get that it’s easier said than done.
Therapy first if it is an option, Disneyland second if it’s an option. Stop seeing yourself as ‘just’ Grandma, you’re that child’s GrandMamma Bear. Julius only sees her once a month so he is no longer that girl’s daddy.
If he took her in he would treat Annabella like a second-class citizen with her stepmom trying to protect her. Do you have any grounds for full custody and more importantly do you want full custody?
Keep texts and e-mails as records if you do.” FloppyEaredDog
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your son is a trashy father and is clearly playing favorites. I hope Katja is teaching those boys that what their dad is doing is NOT OKAY, otherwise they’re going to turn into trashy fathers too.
Your son needs to step up and take responsibility for his daughter. He literally abandoned her, expecting you to take care of her. If I were Katja, and assuming Annabella truly wanted to, I would have taken her and moved her in, and told your son that her moving in and being part of the family wasn’t a request. He could jutss go away if he didn’t like it.
That’s part of being a father.
I’m glad that Annabella has you, and a loving stepmother. Is there any way you can have a sit-down, heart to heart with Katja, and maybe make a plan for her to talk some sense into your son?
I obviously don’t know the whole situation, but it sounds like Katja very much wants Annabelle to be her daughter (she’s stuck in a house with all men, who wouldn’t want a little girl to even things out?)
Idk. It’s tough, but unless he has signed over all rights, you have no technical legal responsibility. If you were to just drop the girl off over there and refuse to take her back, and if Katja says she is welcome there, there is nothing he can do.
He would be forced to step up. That said, forcing him to step up could just as easily result in him constantly snubbing Annabella in favor of the boys and hurting her. It would also put Katja in a tough spot because I have no doubt that she loves the boys too.
I hope you can somehow talk some sense into your son. He’s a complete deadbeat as he is. Annabella is lucky to have you and a stepmother that adores her.” TheLastGerudo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but I think this is a great moment to be a jerk. Demean him, yell at him, and shame him for purposefully avoiding his duties as a parent and making sure his firstborn and daughter will most definitely grow up needing to heal from her childhood.
One of the worst things a child could physically witness is a parent refusing to love them. To see your father have a happy family, willing to go on trips, but you are cast away and constantly an afterthought for the entirety of your childhood.
Thank the gods that she has a loving grandmother and mother (and even stepmother?).
I understand the necessity for having taken your grandchild on in the beginning, but arrangements are LONG overdue to have her with her father.
But at this point, it may not be worth it.
Either your son needs to acknowledge his fatherhood to ALL his children and start repairing this relationship with his daughter. Or you need to ask him to go no contact.
Your grandchild does NOT deserve to be actively a victim of this absolute destruction of emotions and mental fortitude. This will mess her up to see her dad do the barest of minimums for her and never care.
Or prepare her to live with her mother if that’s even a legal/financial option.” bornaconstance
11. WIBTJ For Not Waking My Friend Up For Her Mental Health Appointment?
“Basically my friend can’t wake up on his own so every day without fail I spend hours ringing him to make sure he’s up.
I get none of the credit for this. His family thinks it’s all his own doing and is praising him for getting up at 2 pm every day. What they don’t know is that I ring him at 12 and 1 and at 2 to make sure he’s up.
He’s got an appointment for his mental health on Wednesday, and he’s depending on me to wake him up and get him to his appointment. But he doesn’t do anything for me. He refuses to come to my appointments with me because he can’t be arsed. He always has an attitude toward me whenever I call him.
I’m doing this as per his request as well. So it’s not like he’s told me not to.
I just don’t know if it’d make me a jerk or not if I let him miss his appointment.
I want him to get better but at the same time, he doesn’t do anything in return for me so I’m thinking what’s the point. I get no thanks or anything from him for what I do for him.
I legit get nothing.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but you shouldn’t have to do this. Maybe do it this once but just the one call because you would have done your job then.
Just say ‘I can’t call back as I have an appointment’. May I just edit I suffer from mental health issues and I know everyone is different but I don’t rely on others to wake me up, I will set an alarm every 10 mins for an hour so maybe convince them to set other alarms.” Tiredmum82
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Honestly, he doesn’t sound like much of a friend right now. Maybe it’s because of what he’s handling but it doesn’t take anything to acknowledge to his family- ‘actually, OP calls me every day to make sure that I get up.’
I’d be polite and let him know that you are no longer going to be his alarm service. (Just a- hey, I know you asked me to call you so you’d wake up but I can’t keep doing it.
You are going to have to figure something else out. Sorry.) That gives him time to get extra alarm clocks or set multiple alarms on his phone- whatever, before Wednesday.” rak1882
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ if you did it without warning, NTJ if you informed him first. Depending on why he goes to therapy he might not do things in return for you because he simply can’t. Unless you two agreed upon certain terms and conditions before you started this he isn’t doing anything wrong by not going with you (even though that understandably sucks for you).
We should do things for friends without expecting things back like a transaction but I do agree that it should be a two-way street or it won’t work for long. You might wanna use this to practice setting your boundaries and looking after yourself.
I understand why he might not want to tell his family that he can’t wake up by himself but I also understand that you’d like to be appreciated for all the times you helped him out so far.
(The tone he uses on those phone calls might also be rooted in his illness but it’s not an excuse to be rude to someone who is helping him out massively.)
Take care of yourself.” Birkenlaubers
10. AITJ For Not Dividing My Work Bonus Equally Between My Two Daughters?
“I just retired from my job after working there for 33 years, I was in tech for anyone wondering, anyways our company has a policy of retirement bonus as a way of showing gratitude for the years served for the longest-serving employees (also subject to the title and position held at work).
I received about 35,000 dollars in the form of my retirement bonus. Since I have already invested a good sum for my own retirement I decided that I would divide the bonus among my children, two daughters aged (24) and (27) who we will call A and B.
‘A’ had her first child at 17, sadly my grandchild’s father is not in the picture and she is a single parent who needs to work extra hard to provide for her daughter. I also do help my daughter with the caretaking and finances of my grandchild and because I love grandkids in general I don’t think of it as a burden.
Besides, due to having the baby relatively young, my daughter had to take gap years before she continued with her studies.
‘B’ on other hand followed my footsteps of working in a software company and is doing exemplary in her career.
To my disappointment, however, she does not plan on having any grandchildren and both she and her husband are part of a double income household.
As such, I decided that I would allocate 33,000 dollars to ‘A’ and the rest to ‘B’ because I know ‘B’ would probably only use it for leisure like traveling or miscellaneous leisure activities.
‘A’ really needs the moolah and it could also be invested in my grandchild’s future college funds.
The older one ‘B’ dug out from her sister that I gave ‘A’ more funds. I don’t know if it is due to jealousy but ‘B’ called me saying I was being selfish and that I am punishing her for not having grandkids.
To which I responded with the fact that I am not (I really am not) and that why does she even need the moolah when she is well to do. I explained that she is being the greedy one here and besides it is my bonus and I am free to do with it as I see fit to which she cut the call abruptly and has not responded since.
I feel offended by her gross entitlement to my bonus, that too considering that she is ignoring the struggles of her sister.
AITJ for not dividing the equally even though ‘A’ is in more desperate need of funds than ‘B’?
Edit: I’d like to clarify that when I say disappointed by my eldest (B) not having kids it is more of an I wish rather than I need her to have kids. I love my daughter either way.
However, I may have in the midst of working with A, been inattentive to the needs of B and it might have come off as favoritism which is never right. The big learning curve and the split were also done poorly, I should have divided it 3 ways as many pointed out, or created a separate account for the granddaughter.
I will be apologizing and making it up to my eldest.
I also felt the need to add that I paid for my eldest daughter’s (B) ivy university in full and also paid for part of her mortgage however for (A), I am only partly paying for her uni the rest is from her own pocket.”
Another User Comments:
“You underestimated how this would affect B and that she would see it as favoritism. It seems you’ve been a bit blind to how your favoritism for A affects B, who may feel you reward A’s irresponsibility while ignoring B’s achievements.
This did not come out of anywhere from B, I assure you. (And don’t say you don’t favor A – you do, you simply justify it bc you think A needs your attention and more).
Your decision will also not just affect your relationship with B, but B and A’s relationship with each other. A fact you seem oblivious to.
You are also totally off base calling B greedy when you know really well it’s not about the at all: it’s about your favoritism for one sister over the other (let me guess, you also spend more time with A and at her household then you do at B’s?).
Finally, calling B ‘entitled’ was a real jerk move since you know what she is complaining about is favoritism, not money. You basically told her not to feel ‘entitled’ to equal treatment or love from you.
Yes, you have the legal right to give your moolah to whoever you want but B also has a right to feel slighted yet again in favor of her needier sister.
You could have easily solved this issue by splitting the amount 3 ways- with a hefty school fund for the grandkid, and then giving A and B equal personal shares.
YTJ.” psatty
Another User Comments:
“It’s your moolah & you can do what you want with it. However, don’t expect B to be happy about it or see it as fair. It appears that you already have & will continue to give A more money, time & attention than you will ever give B on the mistaken belief that A needs your love & care more than B does.
It’s your time, & energy; you can spend it as you like. Again, don’t expect B not to notice or care. You contend that A needs your bonus more than B. I would argue that A doesn’t need this at all because you are already paying her bills & taking care of her child.
I think you’re a jerk because you’re so focused on A that you’re not even thinking about B. So, spend your as you like, but you’re throwing away your relationship with B because she made good choices & worked hard.
I think that’s a poor investment of your bonus. YTJ.” YMMV-But
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You are selfish and a tiny bit misogynistic. How about this.
A is a single parent, and B is childfree.
In the case of an accident that takes A’s life, WHO GETS THE CHILD? The child’s father is outta the photo and you’d have to go back to work to help raise the kid.
However, B might take the kid in if they so choose. Way to destroy that bridge OP. B or her husband gets into a car accident that makes them unable to work. Gee if that amount had been split equally that would have been great for covering bills if it had been split equally.
But no dear old dad can’t think of anything past ‘She gave me a grandchild and you haven’t so your value to me is diminished.’ Cause honestly reading this, it’s about that nonsense, isn’t it?
B is plainly just being punished for not having a kid.
As others have said, split the EQUALLY between the sisters and/or the grandchild (sisters get cash, grandchild gets a college fund). For all you know, B might take the moolah and put it in a college fund for her niece/nephew as a surprise for her sister but all you are focused on is ‘omg she might use it for vacays!
the horror, she should have given me a grandchild like a good daughter’.” Apprehensive-Two3474
9. AITJ For Refusing To Wait For My Sisters And Making Them Miss Their Trip To Japan?
“In the time before 2020, I (26F) planned a trip to Japan with my best friend (Kathy) and my two sisters (Rose and Amber).
The issue came when I said, ‘Well, due to the airport being two hours away and traffic being hard to judge, I want to leave at 6 AM.’
Kathy agreed with me.
Rose and Amber said ‘God no.’
They wanted to leave at 9 AM and get there at 11 AM, for our 1 PM flight.
I said we would just take two cars.
This caused another argument because they wanted to ride together.
I said this was not a discussion, either ride with us or take another car.
They said they would ride with us. I said we leave AT 6 AM, so you have to be there ready to go.
6:10 and no sign of my sisters, so I call them. No answer. I try again, no answer. So, we left.
I get a text at 6:45 saying, ‘We overslept! We are on our way.’
I texted them that we had left, and we were headed to the airport.
Amber asked if I could turn around. I said we are halfway to the airport, no.
They ended up saying they would meet us there and I thought nothing of it.
We parked, went through TSA, got to the gate… And when I checked my phone again, Amber said, ‘We need you to come back, our car isn’t starting. Dad is already at work and cannot get back in time.’
I texted them that we were already at the gate, waiting to board in an hour. They said they could not afford the taxi to the airport and would get a later flight. They ended up canceling and staying home because there were no open flights for a few days.
This has since caused a huge rift in our relationship. They feel like I was too harsh and should have waited until 7 AM for them to arrive. I told them I had been serious the whole time, had not said I would wait, and I was not gonna miss out on a trip because they didn’t want to wake up early.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The airlines, TSA (Transportation Security Administration), and just about any travel expert recommends lay travelers (not hyper experienced flyers who know the airport layout, the best way to get through security, pack light, etc) to arrive at the airport 3 hours before an international flight (2 hours for domestic) and anticipate being at the gate no less than one hour before departure (45 minutes for domestic)
A two-hour drive, anything can go wrong. An accident that backs up traffic. A flat tire. Construction detours, missing an exit, and having to drive 20 miles to find a place to turn around.
At a large international airport, it can take an hour or more just to check your bags.
THEN you have security. And it sounds like this was BEFORE the latest staffing shortages.
With a drive that long, I would be leaving stupid early as well. Getting to the airport with just 2 hours to spare when you have to park, check a bag, clear security, etc is a recipe for missing your flight.
A long-haul international flight is a little bit harder to re-accommodate than a domestic flight.
People calling you ‘ridiculous’ have never flown international.” Glass_Status_5837
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Everyone here is so down for this vindicative treatment, but I couldn’t imagine doing this to anyone in my family.
You don’t sound like you like your siblings at all. If you’re so unwilling to budge or compromise on a time that your siblings were so strongly opposed to, couldn’t you at least offer to initially pick them up instead of having them meet you?
Thus waking them up? This option would’ve easily avoided anyone missing out on the trip.
Yes, what your siblings did was horribly inconsiderate, and I don’t think you’re a total jerk for not turning around.
But seeing as you were calling the shots, your siblings live separately from you, they seem dependent on your dad, and they don’t have funds for a taxi, I’m going to assume they were awfully young.
That makes YOU the senior, the bigger person, the guardian over them. Ultimately, you chose comfy downtime at an airport over your own siblings joining you on an unforgettable trip to Japan. ‘This has since caused a huge rift in our relationship’ – I wonder why?
When I had to catch a plane, my brother drove me an hour to the airport, when I realized I forgot my passport. Yeah, what I did was horribly inconsiderate and terrible, but he still drove all the way home and back with it to make sure I wouldn’t miss my flight.
Yeah, he was annoyed, but he would do it over again and so would I for him. OP, you’re probably here to look for some sort of justification for your actions, but I really think you should be looking for something else.” Nommvel
Another User Comments:
“I guess I’ll play devil’s advocate… And premise this with the fact that it’s your sisters… not some strangers, or casual friends that you didn’t really enjoy spending time with.. you wouldn’t go back for your Sisters… seems really cold to me but here’s my other side of the fence…
Based on your calculations stated in the post, it’s about a 2-hour drive to the airport. Let’s give a 30ish minute traffic add and call it 2.5 hours. If you left at 6 am, you’d arrive roughly by 8:30 am… Your flight boards at 1 pm you say..
That’s 4.5 hours of time between arriving at the airport and when your flight boards. I’ve flown a good amount of times, and never have I spent more than 30-60 minutes in the TSA line, but for argument’s sake, let’s say it takes 1.5 hours.
Then on the GENEROUS side let’s say, 30 minutes to find your gate. that puts us at 10:30 am… 2.5 hours before your flight boards… which I would argue is an ABSURD amount of time to just sit at the airport waiting for your flight, but hey, it’s a free country do as you so, please.
Now back to the time frame of your story – And we’ll just gloss over the fact that you lost hours of time in the blink of an eye and didn’t check your cell phone a single time from 6:45 am, til noon… FOR SURE NORMAL!
Leaving at let’s say 6:15… 5 minutes after making the phone call… you’d have been about 30 minutes into the drive when you got the text at 6:45, or in other terms less than 1/4 of the way there… Halfway there is a pretty extreme exaggeration… An annoying amount of time absolutely… but not large enough that you couldn’t go back considering you’ve given yourself a 4.5-hour buffer… And these are kind of you know… your sisters??
So let’s say you did go back… you get back by 7:20 and you’re back on the road by 7:30. Based on your calculations as given above, you’d still arrive at the airport around 10 am. Roughly 3 hours before the boarding of your flight… based on my many airport experiences that are far more than enough time to make your flight.
Seems like a pretty amazing trip to miss out on because your sister wanted to be at the airport 5 hours before the flight… Not sure why there wasn’t some compromise…” Carbon_xYz
8. AITJ For Telling My Niece That She Doesn't Have To Teach Her Lazy Classmate?
“When I was in elementary school, my teacher used to pair the academically gifted quiet girls with the lazy or troublemaker boys and give us a task to teach them something or discipline them.
Most of the time I hated it, I used to complain to my mom that my ‘student’ was slow or stupid, although now I recognize that some of these kids may have learning difficulties and would require special care.
But at that time I didn’t know better.
My 10-year-old niece told me that her teacher was doing the same, she had paired all the girls with all the boys and tasked the girls to help them learn their lines for the next play, help them with homework, etc. And guess what, my niece hates it.
Her ‘Student’ is a troublemaker, he refuses to learn anything and makes fun of her with his friends. The teacher didn’t ask the girls if they agreed to it nor did she offer extra credit.
In my opinion, she just has these girls do her job for her. I told my niece that she’s not obligated to do this, and if she really doesn’t enjoy it she should let her teacher know and demand she be freed from that responsibility.
Well, my niece did it and the teacher complained to her parents (my brother and SIL). My SIL then called me to yell at me, she told me to keep my liberal ideas to myself and that as a teacher herself, she understands how overworked and underpaid her colleagues are and doesn’t see a problem with it.
I told her that if she doesn’t see a problem with her daughter‘s education being obstructed for the sake of a boy who doesn’t care, then she’s the problem. I am a doctor and I wouldn’t ask my healthier patients to help me with the sicker ones.
I know it’s not the same but you got me.
My brother agrees with me and apparently, my niece has started a ‘revolution’ in the class with her demand, as more girls demand to be excused from this unwanted task.
Some of the girls actually enjoyed and the boys are apparently learning, this shows me that the task itself is not wrong but the way she approached it is. But I feel that from being parents to our younger siblings, to being responsible for other students’ education, little girls are being given more responsibility than they can handle.
My SIL still thinks I am the jerk though.
Edit: I don’t think all boys are lazy or troublemakers! Nor that there are no academically gifted boys who had the same experience! I just shared my own experience as context.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You absolutely did the right thing – gifted or not, students shouldn’t be obligated to undertake extra tutoring. Doubly so if their ‘partner’ either has a learning disability that they quite obviously aren’t trained to recognize, let alone deal with, or just refuses to learn.
The teacher should be dealing with this. Yes, teachers are overworked and underpaid – that’s not for children to rectify! If they want to tutor their colleagues, by all means. But it should be a choice.
As for why, aside from natural justice, well. See below.
Thankfully, while I was a fairly academically gifted dude, I didn’t face this. It… might not have gone that well. In fact, it would have gone very badly.
I was that very annoying child with an encyclopedic memory for things that interested me, a sharp enough mind that when it came to subjects I was interested in (History), I wasn’t really challenged until Masters level… and a tendency to drift off in classes that didn’t interest me (mainly Maths and the Sciences), to get frustrated when I didn’t get something (because I was very used to it just clicking), resentment towards the concept of showing my working (the subtext answer to the question of ‘how did you get this answer’ tended to be ‘because I’m clever.
Next question’), an argumentative streak when I thought I was right to the point of correcting teachers (and I was right), and a certain impatience with people who I felt couldn’t keep up.
Perhaps it’s looking through jade-tinted glasses, but it was a bit of a nightmare.
What I’m saying is that if I had been on the teaching end, it would have ended badly. If I had been on the learning end, for subjects I was bad in, it would have been far, far worse – touchy, prideful child being essentially told that they’re academically inadequate?
Not pretty. Even after I got hold of my temper and grew up a fair bit and had to go to learning support for subjects/exam formulae I was doing badly with, I was stiff, tetchy, and resentful of the implications.
And that was on 17/18. At 10, I had a sunnier nature, but much less patience.
Now, I was a little unusual, but I was far from unique, and I was trying enough for my teachers.
Imagine another child having to deal with someone like that.
That is why teachers are teachers, and children are not.” User
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
This is a tough one. I’m actually going to school to be a teacher right now and this is a fairly common thing that is taught to upcoming teachers and is used quite a bit with older teachers.
Most recently in my Student Psychology class, there was a whole chapter about it.
For people who have disabilities, sometimes it’s easier for them to have something explained to them by one of their gifted peers.
Also working in a co-op environment does a lot of good for girls, minorities, or people who are in school but don’t speak English well (if this is America).
Where the teacher is messing up is by gender segregating and making the girls deal with the boys like this.
It should be the smart PEOPLE teamed up with the learning disabled. So you are on point with that as well as the fact that she shouldn’t be made to do something that she is uncomfortable with.
Despite her gender.” monster_mentalissues
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, While I’m not sure what age your niece is I can tell you that my high school had a similar program but it was 100% voluntary.
They called it to peer tutoring and it was either held after school or during some of the students’ free period/study hall time. The teachers often nominated some of their best students for the program (typically Junior and Seniors) to help out the students that wanted extra assistance in projects or certain challenging class topics.
The volunteer peer tutors then got community service hours in return.
Lots of the students that opted to become peer tutors liked getting community service hours because many were part of school clubs such as Key Club, Beta Club, or National Honors Society that required a certain amount of community service hours to be completed to maintain membership and gain a cord for graduation.
Many of the students also liked that they did not have to do any additional traveling for community service opportunities as helping out at charities or volunteering at marathons meant they had to drive out to different locations in their free time.
It was a win-win for everyone.” Eferadale
7. AITJ For Refusing To Pay A Cancellation Fee At The Doctor's Office?
“Earlier today I (22F) had an appointment scheduled for 12:15 pm with an ENT doctor. The appointment was hard to get and this was the only day and time they had available for a few months.
So although I had classes until 11:30 and a lab at 1:30 I figured I would be able to make it there and back in time because the office is only a 5 min drive from the University.
I arrived at 12 to be sure I could get all the paperwork they make you fill out at your first visit done well before my time slot. I then sat in the waiting room until 12:55, at that point I went up to the reception desk and ask how much longer the wait is because I have somewhere to be at 1:30.
The receptionist said I would be next, so I sat back down. 1:15 rolled around and I had still not been called to see the doctor. It had now been an hour since my scheduled appointment.
So I again went up to the receptionist’s desk and asked for an actual estimation of the wait time because I have a lab in 15 mins. She told him the wait would be around 30 more mins, which would make me really late for the lab.
I explained that I can’t stay any longer and will just have to set up another appointment. She said that would be fine but I would have to pay the cancellation fee. I told her that I’m not canceling because of my own fault, but because they are way behind schedule and I have other commitments and can no longer wait for them.
She said it was not her fault that I overscheduled my day, to which I replied it was not my fault they overscheduled the doctors. She then said again if I want to book another appointment I would first have to pay the $75 cancellation fee.
I told her that’s ridiculous and I will find another ENT doctor and left.
Most people I have told agree with how I handled the situation, but my mom really laid into me saying it was my fault for not picking another day for the appointment, even though that would be months away.”
Another User Comments:
“On the one hand, you should never count on being done and gone in an hour for any kind of medical appointment. It’s quite common for doctors to get behind on appointments since they are in a position in which they absolutely can have to drop everything to handle an emergency.
When that, or another pressing event, occurs, it can really put a strain on their clinic appointments. You should really be in the habit of planning to be there longer, maybe two hours. The secretary behind the desk was right about one thing though: you did overbook your day, especially for a first-time visit with a specialist.
On the other hand, it’s absurd, even ridiculous, that the pencil-pusher in reception thinks you should pay any amount to cancel an appointment that you made and they couldn’t keep. Seriously, you can’t ‘cancel’ an appointment in the past that you showed up early for — the doctor was a no-show and you sat there waiting for an hour.
If anything, the clinic owes you a $75 cancellation fee.
As far as your question goes, you are NTJ for not paying the cancellation fee for an appointment you made. 100 try to contact the doctor directly over that, they would probably be appalled with the way you were treated.
However, on a broad scale, everyone sucks here. Doctor visits are very rarely an in-and-out-in-an-hour affair. Plan accordingly. An appointment you waited literally months for should have had priority over everything else.” foundflame
Another User Comments:
“You have to accept that when you have an appointment for a consultation with a specialist, you are going to have to factor in the extreme likelihood that they will be running behind. Quite likely seriously behind.
Doctors can’t predict how appointments are going to go. Within reason, they will address what they need to address in one appointment once the patient is there. This isn’t a conveyor belt process.
Everyone has to have a clinical history and examination and that gets very complicated very quickly.
All of this is obvious.
You knew when you booked an appointment with the doctor that it was at a private clinic, and that it was extremely hard to get an appointment.
You had one allocated to you. So that appointment was not able to be given to someone who would have been sensible enough to clear their schedule for the afternoon knowing how unpredictable clinics are, or patient enough to wait their turn.
By deciding to leave, you were robbing the specialist of a consultation fee and wasting his or her very valuable time. It is only fair to pay a cancellation fee when it is too late for the receptionist to call the next person on the waiting list and tee them up for your spot.
That’s exactly what the fee is for.
The receptionist is quite right. It’s not the doctor’s problem or the clinic’s problem that you overbooked yourself for the afternoon.
YTJ and anyone would think you had never been to a doctor’s surgery before.
There will be delays. Lengthy delays. If you don’t factor in a four-hour gap at least for a consultation with a specialist, you’re going to be caught out.
Pay the fee, and apologize for the attitude.
You have no proof the doctor was overbooked. All you can say for sure is that the patients who were there before you took longer than expected. There can be one complicated case and it throws the doctor’s schedule out for the rest of the day.
I would attribute this to ENT medical conditions being complex and fine-consuming, rather than malice or incompetence.” Medievalmoomin
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. DO NOT PAY THIS.
Not only will they not do anything about this.
But in the VERY unlikely event that they did anything, they would only sell that debt, and the collections officer would ask for the exact amount, and you’d be like ‘Sure I’ll pay that.’ And you would suffer no consequences.
However, they will not report that menial amount, selling your debt to collections would cost them more than it is worth. I’ve been dodging a $25 doctor’s appointment cancelation fee for several years with 0 repercussions.
Because I know they will never sell that to a collections agency, it would cost them more than they would gain from the sale.
The only time my medical debt was ever sold and I had to pay, was to a collections agency for a $187 bill that was lab work I never knew about.
They sent it to collections, collections called me and I paid it, there was zero repercussion to my credit because of it.” KDDragon
6. AITJ For Letting My Pets Have Free Roam Of My House?
“My fiance’s dad has come to live with us due to him having some gambling issues and being a heavy drinker on top of it.
Honestly, he’s not a bad guy outside of his vices… so I said it’d be fine if he lives in the little guest house out back until he can get back on his feet.
Now the Guesthouse is comparable to like a medium/large trailer with a bathroom, tv, sink, stove, and bed. The place does get wifi and it does have tv options like Netflix and Hulu HBO max etc. So really he has everything he could need in there.
2-3 months ago after about a month of living with us, he started coming into the main house more and more often, watching tv on our bigger television.
Anyways, so he’s started complaining about all the pet fur, the dogs barking at him, cats on the sofas… I ignored him mostly, cuz he’s old and bitter but I would occasionally remark that his old place was covered in literal trash and to think of it as an upgrade.
Anyway, after ranting to my wife and her taking my side, he started locking our animals outside while he’s inside. (A fenced in and cat-proof yard so no one is escaping)
Obviously, when I found out I was quite… unhappy.
Especially because I found out when I got home that my wife was furiously trying to dry the cats and my dogs soaking in a puddle that was once their dog bed.
I told him that if I find out this keeps happening ,I’ll get a new lock for the back door and he’ll be the one locked outback.
He cried to my wife about how he only wants to spend time with people because it’s so lonely outside, its too small, etc etc
But I immediately rebutted that the main time he’s really at the main house is when we aren’t there.
My wife said that there’s no real point in arguing and that while he’s here he’s our guest and it’s as much his place as ours. I told them both, that the animals have more right to be here than he does, and if he can’t respect them being inside he can’t be inside.
My wife said I was being an unfair brutish dictator and it was all harmless since they have dog houses and water bowls so it’s harmless for them to be out there.
Which really isn’t the point.
The point is it’s not his place to be making those decisions especially when it ends up with soaked animals and a soaking wet house.
AITJ?
Also, the door he locks is the pet door which opens when one of them comes near it, he just turns it off so it can’t read their collar when they try to come in.
So it’s not a technical ‘lock’ but it is still accomplishing keeping them stuck out there. This means that if I decide to lock him out the cats and dogs can still come and go.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Time to give him his eviction notice and tell him that he’s either got a month to find a job and another month to move out, otherwise you’ll go down to the courthouse and file formal eviction papers and he’ll be served. Remind him that he’s had 4 months to step up and find a job and a place of his own and it’s now time for your wife to stop enabling his behavior, why would he want to find a place of his own when he can leech off of his daughter and son-in-law.
Remove his access to him getting inside of your house, or if your wife refuses to allow you to change the lock then put a child lock on the tv so he can’t watch it.
Have a serious talk to your wife and ask her what she’s doing if this was your mother or father pulling this thing towards your pets? Remind her that he’s an adult and he needs to learn that his actions have consequences and you’re no longer enabling his disrespectful behavior and attitude towards both you and your pets because after all if it wasn’t for the both of you he’d be homeless and it’s because he chooses to drink and gamble and that’s not your problem.” G8RTOAD
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but your wife and FIL sure are. That man has a lot of audacity being given a free place to stay with entertainment utilities and then coming over into your house and kicking your animals out into the cold.
Regardless of there being safety measures for the cats or dog houses and bowls for them while they are out, this man is not only taking advantage of your kindness but also being mean to your pets who live there full time.
While I get that your wife is torn because it is her dad, she really needs to understand that he is making your animals miserable and confused because he wants to watch a bigger TV.
And by him kicking them out in the rain, he is not taking weather into account. What if they got sick from the rain? What if they get sick if he kicks them out in cold or extreme heat?
I highly doubt he is making sure they are fed and watered out there. He left his guest house that is pet free to come into your home where your pets live and kicks them out with your explicit instructions to not do so.
And at this point, your wife is as bad as your FIL for allowing him to do as he pleases.” LazyCrazySloth
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
It’s time to invest in microchips (if you haven’t yet) for all the animals and new GPS collars.
I wouldn’t put it past him to run them, I mean ‘accidentally’ let them out of the yard.
Your wife needs therapy to see what she’s probably always just seen as ‘normal’ and ‘just the way dad is’ isn’t normal or okay, and that she doesn’t have to enable and coddle him to help him.
You aren’t being out of line here and it very likely won’t get better.
A gambling addict and heavy drinker being allowed complete and unfettered access to your home, especially when you aren’t there, is honestly not the best idea anyway, animals aside.
Addiction doesn’t care that you’re helping him out of a tight spot. Addiction doesn’t care that your wife is his child or that you’re his child-in-law. It will, however, push him to use every weakness or previously implanted button your wife has: see the crying about needing to be around people to your wife and her bending to it even once you point out he’s basically only in the main house when y’all aren’t home.
And, to make matters worse, in most states, he is now considered a resident/tenant of the property legally because he’s been there for so long. This needs to be nipped before it gets out of hand.” Painting_Happy_Trees
5. AITJ For Needing Help From My Family Due To BPD?
“My family and I have been having some pretty severe issues as of late, most of them relating to my severe Borderline Personality Disorder.
Before you say it, yes I am in treatment. I’m on medication and currently see a therapist once a week.
My Borderline Personality Disorder is especially triggered by family fights since I don’t have any close friends at the moment and no significant other to turn to. My family is all that I have.
This is why I’m currently losing my mind.
A couple of days ago, I offered to do the dishes for my mom since I thought it would be nice for her not to worry about them.
Unfortunately, due to my BPD, I have an incredibly hard time focusing on tasks and I also am currently swamped with overdue homework (I’m in college atm) – and somehow I must’ve forgotten to do them that night.
Fast forward, another day goes by, and I still haven’t done them. I feel horrible. At this point, the mess in the kitchen is so overwhelming that I feel like I can’t clean it on my own.
(For context, I live with my sister and mom – it’s just the 3 of us. My sister is 24 and I’m 21). So, I start asking for help to do the dishes. I still want them done, I just don’t feel like I can do them on my own.
So I ask my sister for help.
She explodes at me and tells me it’s not her responsibility to help me with anything, even despite my debilitating mental illness (she also has autism so I thought she’d be more understanding).
We keep arguing and eventually, my mom is drawn into the argument.
Long story short, they both think I’m just trying to manipulate them into doing everything for me and they think my pleas for help are just me trying to be a victim.
I don’t know how to explain to them that I just want some help so that it feels less overwhelming, even if I’m still doing the majority of the work. They insist that I don’t need help and I am just choosing to be difficult.
At this point, things have gotten so bad with my family, over something so simple as household chores, that I feel like they no longer love me and that I’m on my own in the world.
I think it’s safe to say they no longer want me around and I’m really close to getting kicked out and being homeless. I don’t know what to do.
So, am I the jerk for needing help with the dishes?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, having BPD doesn’t mean you need assistance to do tasks such as washing the dishes.
BPD sufferers unknowingly are very good manipulators, and the best way for family or partners to deal with this is to have strong boundaries for you.
They’re right to stick to their guns and tell you to do it yourself. You may not see it, but having strong boundaries and people who don’t give in to your demands is actually beneficial for you, especially in the long term.
Continue your treatment and practice asking yourself this question, is my response rational or irrational right now.” Free_Driver_2168
Another User Comments:
“So you volunteered to do the dishes but didn’t actually do them and wanted other people to help you do what you volunteered to do.
And now you are here so people will tell you it’s not your fault?
YTJ. Your mental illness is your issue to manage.
That said – while I don’t doubt your family is frustrated, that doesn’t mean they no longer love you.” RedditDK2
4. AITJ For Giving An ESL Student An F For Her Essay?
“I’ve got a handful of ESL and ELL students in my otherwise English-speaking classes. This means that English isn’t their first language.
Some of them are fluent in English, some still learning, and some just don’t speak a single word of English. They’re all taught the same material as my English native speaking students, except they’re allowed to use electronic translators or have a friend translate for them.
Some of them request Spanish versions of handouts/notes and I provide them.
On to the issue… We (the entire grade doing this unit) just turned in a final draft of an essay 2 days ago through a school’s website (not turnitin.com or something).
I got to K, an ELL student that uses her phone to translate notes, assignments, etc., and saw that her essay was PERFECT. None of my other students, ELL, ELS, or native speakers, had essays that were polished. From my history of teaching (and being a student) I knew it was fishy.
So I copied and pasted it to Google. Lo and behold, it’s the first search result. So K plagiarized her entire paper, with no quotation marks, no bibliographies, no works cited list, nothing. So, as school policy states, K received an F (0/150).
K’s academic counselor called me today (yes, on a Saturday) and chewed me out for ‘trying to hold an immigrant back from reaching her potential.’ She got the principal on a conference call after her ranting and he told me I had to give K a 50% because ‘she didn’t know better.’ NONSENSE.
I had given them lessons about what is/isn’t plagiarizing, quoting and citing, etc as well as made it clear that plagiarism will not be accepted in higher education. I’m not one for a confrontation so I just changed it to a 50% but am I the jerk?
I caught another student trying to plagiarize from Sparknotes on the rough draft part and gave him a zero, but it’s different because she doesn’t speak English. I don’t feel like a jerk, what do you guys think?
EDIT: I am giving my classes a ‘redemption’ assignment because so many of them did so poorly or didn’t turn it in at all and are at risk of failing. K, the academic counselor, and I are going to talk Monday about our next steps and why what she did was wrong.
Hopefully, she’ll walk away from this experience with new information, maybe not, but at least everyone knows that I’m trying (and that I am not as stupid as many of my students think I am).”
Another User Comments:
“ESL teacher here. If you want a judgment, absolutely NTJ.
If you want advice, check with your school’s ESL professional about how they talk about academic integrity. It’s definitely something I do in my classes on some level.
Even without it, you can definitely assume that the students knew that there was some level of wrong in what they did.
ESL students are also students at the end of the day who have the capacity to want to get away with the same stuff as anyone else.
It’s better to teach them accountability as long as you make efforts to support them linguistically. You already did that. Giving a 50% for that is not only insulting to the student and sets them up to do it again but could also backfire – what if word gets out that you can do this?
What if word gets out that one kid got a 0% and one kid got a 50% for the same thing? Trust will be gone.
I’m sorry you’re given this awful choice, OP. I know it’s not up to you.
I hope you can find another solution, like giving an opportunity to redo it.” TeachingSpare1951
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
While it is true some cultures do not have the same concept of plagiarism, you gave a lecture on what was and was not acceptable.
If you are going to get a degree from a foreign university, it’s on you to learn the norms and meet your host culture’s standards.
Plus, I’m pretty skeptical that this was just a ‘she didn’t know better’ issue, considering I’ve heard this same excuse from several native speakers.
Maybe she didn’t think you’d take it that seriously, but she still chose to do something you told her not to do.
If you teach a class with a lot of non-native speakers in the future, you may consider a plagiarism contract or a plagiarism quiz.
That way you either have a document on record of them saying ‘yes, I know what plagiarism is,’ or you can have a test score to pull up, showing they at least know they can’t straight up copy and paste an entire essay with no credit.
Maybe you could also compromise and have K rewrite the essay in her own words for partial credit? I used to do this with my students when I was teaching remedial English. That way they still end up having to put in work, but their grade also takes a hit (this was also at college, so essays were worth more)
I’ve seen a lot of people debating the whole ‘everyone knows not to copy and paste’ thing in the comments, and this isn’t true. In some cultures, the emphasis is put on being able to know what good material is.
If you submit an A-level copied paper, you show you know what a good paper is supposed to look like. This may seem ridiculous, but I’ve had students plagiarize papers that were absolute trash, so it’s not totally baseless.” Charming-Barnacle-15
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for giving the student F, but you shouldn’t have caved to give 50%. She deserved F for her plagiarism. Her academic counselor got it all wrong. You didn’t try to hold an immigrant back.
The student herself did something very wrong that would hold her back forever if she makes it a habit, and receiving F would have been an important lesson for her about accountability and integrity.
Instead, now she has learned that she could get away with lying by using her immigrant status or having others advocate for her just based on that alone as opposed to putting in real effort.
Having a lower bar like that for immigrants isn’t helpful but rather patronizing. It is much better to offer necessary support but hold them up to the same bar like everyone else in the class in terms of the content of their work in my opinion.
Such a shame.
Saying all of this as a former ESL student. I had a tutor assigned by the university that reviewed my papers for grammar, but other than that, I worked hard to learn both language and my subjects and didn’t expect or want my professors to give me some special treatment just because I was an ESL student.” untroddenpath
3. AITJ For Making A Family With Kids Sit Elsewhere In The Sky Club?
“I was coming home from vacation over the weekend, my partner and I had just flown from Seattle to Atlanta on the red-eye, arriving at 6 am. We had a little under 2.5 hours until boarding our connection.
I have Delta sky club access, so we went in, found a dark and quiet corner, and sat down. 15 minutes after we sat down, a family with two little kids showed up and sat right next to us, despite there being a lot of open seating elsewhere.
The kids were between the ages of 4-and 7, were wide awake, full of energy, and were loud. We waited a few minutes to see if they would calm down, and then got up and moved to a different area.
We found what seemed to be the last quiet area with dim lighting and sat down. There were some empty seats right behind us. We might have been there two minutes when I saw another family with two kids the same age as the other family heading our way, eyeballing the empty seats behind us.
I quickly tossed our backpacks on the seats. The people didn’t take a hint and still walked over, asking us if the seats were taken. Here was our exchange:
Man: Are these seats taken?
Me: Honestly, we just moved over here a couple of minutes ago because that family with kids over there (I pointed them out) sat down next to us, and we just want somewhere quiet to relax.
If you wouldn’t mind grabbing seats elsewhere, I would appreciate it.
Woman: Oh our kids won’t bother you.
Me: Everybody thinks their kids are quiet, but if you could just sit somewhere else, it would really be appreciated. I’m sorry I have to ask.
Man: Are you serious right now?
Me: There are plenty of seats over on the other side guys (pointing to where the other family was sitting).
Woman: So you’re not going to move your stuff then and let us sit there?
Me: No, I’m sorry.
Woman: Stupid jerk.
Me: Whatever.
They walked over to the other family, and the woman announced loud enough for the whole club to hear, ‘That guy is making us sit over here with you because apparently there are no kids allowed over near them.’
Eventually, an elderly couple came up and took the seats behind us. One minute later, the woman walked over and said, ‘It’s a good thing you don’t have kids with you because you wouldn’t be allowed to sit near these jerks.’ For the rest of the time, anytime we got up to get food/drink or to go to the bathroom, we had to walk past them, and they persisted with the angry comments.
A manager heard the comments in passing and came over to tell me there wasn’t a designated family section, and people can sit wherever they want. I explained the situation, that they were out of line, blowing the situation out of proportion.
The manager didn’t want to get involved and just walked away. The loud comments continued the entire time we were there.
As we were walking out, the woman laid into us, calling us jerks.
My partner was embarrassed and annoyed at me the rest of the day, saying I was the jerk for not being the bigger person. So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“I am going with NTJ.
There were plenty of seats available, so it is not very nice of the family with kids to try to take those seats. They could’ve just gone to the other family with kids. From my experience with families it is often that they kind of occupy a large area, with the kids running around, etc, and maybe they wanted distance to the other family to not cross their ‘territories’.” user32532
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Delta was the jerk for not having a quiet area or not enforcing (or having) a rule to keep the noise down. Having been in those types of lounges for many flights, it’s commonly appreciated to be quiet to people can relax, and there are usually noisier sections to sit in that are better for crotch goblins.
The other family was the jerks as well.” omnibuslabs
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
You don’t own those chairs, and they had much right to choose whatever chairs they wanted much like you do. Bye, Karen!” authorzilla
2. AITJ For Telling My Mother I'm Not Proud Of Her Job As A Nurse?
“I (17, F) don’t know how to sum it up as it’s a little everywhere and I almost failed my English.
Background: My mother(48F) is a nurse. She has been busier with work ever since I have shown her I was capable of looking after myself, and even more so after 2020. I barely see her even though we live in the same house.
3 years ago I broke my front tooth and went to her hospital with a bleeding mouth. I texted and asked to see her but she responded that since I am capable of going to the hospital on my own, to just go home after fixing my tooth.
I threw a temper in the hospital on the spot which ended up with a huge fight between us later. I blamed her for prioritizing her job over me and she blamed me for embarrassing her in front of her coworkers.
I am graduating soon and will be able to choose what I want to do. My mother had never bothered with my choices before but suddenly today she decides to sit me down and ask me to follow her steps.
She talked about the benefits, the government-funded education systems, and stuff, basically very proud of her job as a nurse. I remembered my broken (now fixed) tooth and told her that while she can be proud of herself, I am not proud of her, never had been.
She got very upset and we argued back and forth until I just got up and left for my aunt’s place. I told my aunt about our argument and she said I was being too harsh on my mother.
Soon after my father (no legal rights over me) called too and asked me to go home and apologize to my mother for being hurtful to somebody dedicated to saving lives. I blew him off too asking if she’s so wonderful why did he leave?
I told my friends about this too and some of them agree with my aunt and father that my mother doesn’t deserve this. I have an answer in mind already, but I still want to ask AITJ?
I know she is everyone’s hero, just not mine.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. From your post, your mom stopped emotionally caring for you when you were still a child, and the broken tooth incident was just one instance of many.
I can’t imagine how heartless someone has to be to hear that their child had had an accident that was serious enough for a hospital visit, and not immediately go to check on them.
Their child was having an emergency after an accident for crying out loud. Your mom may be a good nurse, but she was not being a good mother to you. Yes, she might have been doing her best, but sometimes that isn’t good enough.
It’s definitely not good enough if it’s causing their child to feel neglected and unloved. Hopefully, your mom can acknowledge how her behavior affected you, and you can move on from this.” TheRamblingRose
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mother has prioritized her job over being your parent for years. To some, the broken tooth situation may not be urgent, but you were 14 in the ER alone and you just wanted your mom, and instead, she was more concerned about her job and her image than her child’s well-being.
You aren’t proud of her job as a nurse not because of the work itself, but because she completely disregarded being a parent in favor of her job. Don’t get me wrong, nurses are super important as is the work they do.
But she should be your mom first. She shouldn’t have left you to essentially raise yourself as soon as you showed you were capable. The fact that as a minor you barely see your guardian despite living together, that’s a problem.
Your mother has constantly prioritized her job as a nurse over her job as a parent and doesn’t seem to consider how her actions have affected you and your relationship with her. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, OP.
No matter what job a parent has, they should never make their child feel that they matter less than their career.
ETA: I know how hard things can be for single parents, I was raised by one.
However, when your child needs you, you should be there, especially if you’re their only guardian. My mom sacrificed so much for us growing up, but she was also there when we needed her and she would have never left me to fend for myself in the ER regardless of how minor the issue was.
Being a single parent is hard, being a nurse is hard. But you know what else is hard? Having to rely on taking care of yourself as a teenager because your parent is hardly ever home.
I’m not saying the mom is a jerk for doing everything she can to support her child, but she should have been more present especially when her kid needs her.” mrsprinkles3
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here/No jerks here. You’re allowed to feel that your mom doesn’t prioritize you, but you are being harsh. Being a nurse is really really hard work. Being a single mother is just as hard.
She can’t be perfect, especially when trying to keep flowing. Something has to give.
It sounds like that hospital visit affected you more than average. I don’t know a teen who has been to the hospital and reacted that way.
That’s fine. Some people are more afraid of things than others. But it’s a miscalculation on your mother’s part. She let the wrong thing go unattended. But the wrong thing wasn’t you specifically, it was your emotional well-being versus your financial well-being (combined with the well-being of her patients and coworkers).
You can have an honest conversation with her about why you feel she hurt you and see if there’s a way to heal your relationship. This was extreme. My parents messed up a lot more than that, and were gone a lot, but I was lucky enough to know they loved me.
It sounds like a communication issue as much as anything.” whatthewhythehow
1. AITJ For Not Letting My Baby Daddy's Fiancée Name Our Baby?
“My baby daddy Jasper (25M) and I (27F) had a one night encounter. Now, I’m currently 24 weeks pregnant. There was no infidelity involved, but that’s not important for the story.
Jasper’s fiancée, Maddy (23F) lost their first child a year ago, I can’t imagine going through child loss and I’ve been trying to be accommodating to her, but I’ve set a few rules:
She can’t treat me as a surrogate because I’m not. This is my and Jasper’s kid. She’ll be the STEP-MOM, not the ADOPTIVE-MOM.
She can’t be in the delivery room, I’m only allowed to have two people there and I chose to have Jasper and my mom.
She argued and she really tried to push it, she wanted me to have her and Jasper, but I said no. She wanted me to have her and my mom then, but I said no. I was clear that even if Jasper wasn’t in the room with me, she wouldn’t be allowed either way because I’m not comfortable.
She can’t make big decisions for our kid on her own, she can suggest and she can ask. But she can’t take them unless it’s an emergency.
Aside from that, we’re all aware that this situation is not common and we will have to learn along the way, a few days ago we three went out to have dinner and Jasper asked if I had given any thought to our kid’s name, I said yes and gave him a list, I told them they can add some names to it and then we three could discuss them and chose one, Maddy told me she wanted to give them her dad’s name as a middle name since it was special to her, I’ll be honest, I don’t like the idea because a family name (and a father’s one) seems very personal, also I didn’t like it that she behaved like the decision was set since that’s not our deal. Jasper didn’t seem that fond of the idea either so I told her that, while we could consider it and think about it, I wasn’t sure.
Maddy got quite annoyed and said that it wasn’t fair that she wasn’t allowed to have or say anything without passing it through the ‘mom police’ because this was her child too. She can’t be in the delivery room, she won’t give birth to them or have any legal rights and the least I could do is let her have the middle name.
Jasper tried to argue with her but Maddy refused, took her things, and left us there. We stayed back for a while and he apologized to her before taking me back to my house.
My mom says that she understands Maddy’s pov, I’m having a child with her man after losing her own baby and she’s not allowed to do anything without me or Jasper saying yes first and that maybe I should let her have it since middle’s name doesn’t matter anymore.
I still don’t entertain the idea but I want to ask anyway. I’ll be happy to give more INFO if someone needs it.
ETA: for some clarification, we were doing it with another person involved and I got pregnant.
ETA: Please, stop saying that Maddy is unhinged or crazy, neither of us planned this pregnancy nor is she trying to steal my baby.
I’m not living with them and they aren’t living with me.
We “see” each other regularly. I called it an ONS to clarify that I got pregnant after only 1 time of being with them at the beginning.
While I’m still hooking up with both of them, the three of us AGREED that it meant nothing more.
It didn’t make us partners and they’ve got their own relationship. I’m never just with Maddy or with just Jasper, and it has happened only 3 times after I told them about the baby.
The three of us had a long talk today and I got to clarify many things with Maddy.
Thank you all for your judgment, I accept them all.”
Another User Comments:
“No, I do not think she should have the middle name, you are NTJ. I understand that you are wanting to accommodate her in this situation of you having the baby but I wonder if you are actually consulting her too much?
That’s maybe given her mixed messages about her role? The fact she thought she should be in the delivery room above your mum or the baby’s dad is not right.
You said she will be the step mum, not the adoptive mum but to be honest, I think letting her be involved in the naming and so on is giving mixed messages and that’s why you are having issues here.
She’s kind of getting options beyond what a step mum would get and I think you might want to draw a clearer line sooner rather than later as sounds like she is acting like an adopted mum.
The fact she’s complaining she’s not allowed to do anything without either of you says a lot about how she views her place vs how you see it. She’s not the mother so of course, she needs to run things by the parents of the child but she’s not seeing it that way.” Rommierescue2020
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here or everyone sucks here because this is a complicated situation due to the “threeness” nature of your dynamic and it seems that none of you have really acknowledged that.
It’s not simply a biological/stepmom situation. Whilst I think she is a tad delusional expecting that the child will be named after her dad, she likely sees the situation as that the 3 of you hooked up and a pregnancy resulted from it.
So she sees herself as part of the conception. You clearly don’t. But yet you say in one of your comments that because you did it all three together, you all decided ‘to be a team.’ It’s that idea of being a team that’s informing her expectation that she is a part of the pregnancy and child.
So you need to be very very clear with both her and Jasper that you don’t see it that way, you see a more traditional stepmom role, instead of what you are doing now, which seems to be waiting for an issue to come up and then you let her know she’s overstepping.” ReceptionPuzzled1579
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
I’m sorry but after reading your comments I’m really getting a bad vibe from you, Jasper, and this whole situation. Everybody who is saying that you should watch out because some people plan for this to happen and then steal the baby is dead wrong in my eyes.
Quite the opposite. Maddy should watch out before you swoop in and steal her life. I’m not saying you shouldn’t defend your own right as a mother because you absolutely should but you willingly created this messy situation and are willingly leading Maddy on.
When you learned you were pregnant and learned they just lost a baby you didn’t think twice about keeping this child?? Losing a child is one of the most traumatic events a person, especially a mother, and the couple can go through and you decided that raising a child in those circumstances would be good??
You never thought of said child? How they would be affected in the long run by this twisted parental situation? You are still young you could have ten children if you wanted to why would you choose this?
Even if they didn’t just experience the loss of a child you would willingly bring a child into this world with someone else’s fiancé soon-to-be husband? Not knowing how that other woman would react to or treat your child??
I consider that selfish. Now I know it is well within your right to have this baby, your body your choice.
But even after all that you then decided to KEEP HOOKING UP WITH BOTH OF THEM TOGETHER??
You didn’t think that would only complicate this whole mess further???
This woman has lost a child, has a finacé who got another woman pregnant, hooks up with said pregnant woman on the regular, and sees her fiance hook up with a said woman on the regular, and you are dumbfounded as to why she would view the baby partly hers???
Have you ever considered that she views this as some sort of throuple?? Because that is what it sounds like to me. A throuple. All this ‘we are a team’ talk and still “being” with Jasper AND MADDY??
Come on now. You know exactly what you are doing.
And Jasper is a jerk too. I’m betting he is feeling all kinds of a new affection for the woman who is pregnant with his child.
AFTER HAVING LOST ONE WITH HIS FIANCEE. He has it all, a new child, a new person to sleep with, while his fiancée is only good enough for sleeping together with another person involved and has to grieve the loss of their child alone.
Because that is what is happening. She has no replacement child to grieve the loss of her baby. She has to watch you and Jasper play happy family?? She has to sit there and hear him defend you?
Yeah, she was delusional for asking to give her father’s name to your baby but can anyone really blame her?? You are behaving like a throuple??? How awful Maddy must feel.
This isn’t right.
Your choice is an extremely selfish one, not only regarding Maddy and Jaspers’s relationship but also regarding your child’s life. On top of that are you actively ruing a relationship and you know it.
I’m not shaming or blaming your choice to hook up with both of them, I’m not shaming or blaming you for getting pregnant, I’m not shaming or blaming you for wanting to keep this baby but you are selfish if you think this messed up situation is not entirely your own creation.
You have no empathy for a woman whose life you screwed over. And yeah, YOU messed it up by deciding to keep this baby and co-parent and keep sleeping with Maddy and Jasper. Because Maddy might have consented to do it and she might be consenting now to keep doing it but she surely didn’t consent to her fiancé having a child with another woman and she surely isn’t consenting to that other woman slowly but surely replacing her.
I hope she leaves and finds peace.” SalomesPearls
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