People Aren’t Shy Telling These “Am I The Jerk?” Stories
21. AITJ For Refusing To Babysit My Biological Mother's Kids?
“My biological mother had me (19m) when she was 18. She ended up leaving me with my grandparents, who I consider my parents. I saw her a few times in the 10 years after but then she moved out of state and didn’t come back for visits.
I believe a fight over me is why she didn’t return for visits because the last time she was visiting I was trying to engage with her and she ignored me. My parents told her she couldn’t come to visit and act like I wasn’t there; because I was and if she couldn’t behave appropriately to a young child she had no business staying with us.
She moved back to the state 3 years ago. This time married with kids. She was very different after this and attempted to mother me after all that time and I shut it down with help from my parents. This upset my biological mother. She expected to be able to dictate to me like she was my parent and not a person who abandoned me and ignored me for years.
The relationships did not go back to normal. My parents refused to let my biological mother back into our home. My biological mother said they had other grandkids and I had siblings who should be in our lives. They said it would be lovely if it were possible but they knew she would not be healthy for me and they refused to make our home uncomfortable for me when I had nobody else.
There were some attempts at making me get to know her kids (2 at the time) but I told my grandparents I wasn’t interested and they respected that and stood up for my right to say no.
Now I’m an adult and my biological mother is pushing harder for this.
She went as far as asking me to babysit once a week so I can get to know the kids and I won’t have to deal with her if I’m so against her. I said no. She showed up where I work to bring this up to me in person and didn’t respect my answer and my boss needed to ask her to leave.
I’m lucky I have an amazing boss or she would have gotten me fired.
She sent a letter to our house saying I should be ashamed of refusing to spend time with the kids and I’d be paid for the babysitting and I am rejecting an amazing opportunity and have hurt her kids with my refusal.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mom abdicated her parenting responsibilities. Whether you were legally adopted by your grandparents or not, you are now 18 and thus you have no legal (or moral) obligation to have a relationship with your bio mom. Your bio mom tried to have a relationship with you as an adult, and you are under NO OBLIGATION to entertain that.
Even though she keeps pushing harder despite your disinterest, you are still under no obligation. The fact that she showed up at your place of work suggests you might want to pursue a restraining order — especially if she ever does it again. Your grandparents sound like awesome parents, so happy they are backing you up.
But I might suggest blocking your bio mom, completely limiting any communication to going through your grandparents, and ensuring bio mom does not know your car, your home address, your socials, etc. now or in the future. And formally send (and keep a dated, signed copy) a cease & desist letter to your mom, either through the mail or through your grandparents, so there is a record of this.” Independent-Length54
Another User Comments:
“Your return letter: Dear Mrs. Egg donor I understand you are upset that I will not provide child care. Due to your history of child abandonment, I will not be able to provide any form of care to your minor children. To be quite blunt, I am far too young to risk suddenly being a parent if/when you choose to leave.
I’m sure you understand as you were about my age when you first abandoned a child. I have zero desire to “get to know” your minor children. I consider the people who raised me to be my real parents. If you continue to demand my time and physical/emotional investment, then I will have to consider this harassment and proceed accordingly.
Regards, OP.” Sugar_Mama76
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. And I mean this with every fiber of my being… discard your biological birth giver. I am so thankful your parents are supportive and put your needs first. I’m a firm believer you give second chances if YOU want to give second chances.
You don’t want to and frankly, she doesn’t deserve it. You don’t get to abandon your child, traumatize them, ignore them, and decide when you get back that they have to accept you as a parent because you’re ready. Your bio mom can go away.
And anyone who says you’re missing an “amazing opportunity” to watch their children… probably have little monsters. Also, putting your job at risk and harassing you? Can you get a restraining order?” CrazyCranberry3333
20. AITJ For Not Prioritizing My Mother On My Wedding Day?
“My husband and I got married last week and had a medium-sized celebration (70 or so). As expected, not everything went exactly how I pictured it, but overall it was an amazing evening and almost everyone seemed to have a great time.
The next morning at the hangover brunch, I noticed my mom was being icy with me.
She is very passive-aggressive when she is upset and I could sense something was wrong. Later that night, I said “I love you” and she said she didn’t think that was true because I “excluded” her from all the classic mother/daughter moments.
Here’s what went down:
1) During the getting ready, I had 6 bridesmaids, plus my mother-in-law and mom getting ready in my parent’s hotel suite. My mom found this extremely overwhelming and said she thought it was going to be more intimate even though I had told her months ago this was the plan.
2) The makeup artist didn’t do a great job on her makeup and she was very upset. She started to have a little panic and locked herself in the bathroom just as I was about to get into my dress. We were running behind, so I told my mom that if she needed more time to get ready, my mother-in-law could start helping me get into the dress.
Apparently, this caused great offense, but from my POV, I was thinking logically that I needed to get into my dress asap. She did end up helping me into my dress and we took some lovely photos of her and my sister helping me.
3) We took family photos at the hotel prior to the ceremony as my husband and I wanted more time to spend with our guests at the cocktail hour and although the plan was to take more photos at the ceremony venue, we ended up not doing that.
This was my decision in the moment because a) I was feeling overwhelmed and needed a break and b) I knew we had the photos from before and would have good candid photos from the the ceremony.
4) When it was time to bustle my dress, I was unhappy with how it looked. I asked my mom to double-check the video my tailor had made.
In the meantime, my makeup artist offered to help see if she could fix it. My mom was offended by this as she felt I was taking away another mother/daughter moment.
5) When I was changing into my second dress, it was super hot in the room and I was struggling to slip the dress over my body.
I was getting flustered and asked everyone who “didn’t have to be there” to leave. My mom was very upset that I said she was unessential at this moment.
Since the wedding my mom has not spoken to me, she hasn’t asked how the honeymoon is going for example.
I think she is hugely overreacting and is tainting my memories of the wedding. But then I wonder if I should have prioritized her more or if I actually was inconsiderate of her feelings. Do mothers expect a lot of mother/daughter time at the wedding?”
Another User Comments:
“Of course your wedding should be about your mother. Because isn’t that what a wedding is for? The mother of the bride to be the center of attention. She’s whiny because things didn’t happen the way she wanted them to happen. Guess what?
That’s life. You did nothing wrong she’s overreacting. A few things to go wrong and she didn’t get to do things like bustle your dress or you freaking out and telling everybody to leave. But she’s your mother. She should never leave. She should never be in your way.
She should be thankful. She raised an independent decisive woman, but nope, she’s just upset her dream of your wedding didn’t go her way. It went yours. She’s entitled to her feelings and she will come around. But you did nothing wrong. NTJ.” Even_Enthusiasm7223
Another User Comments:
“Your mom’s perceived slight and her failure to look past her own wants on your wedding day are of her own making. Unfortunately, mishaps happen and weddings can be a stressful time for all, but they shouldn’t be a defining factor.
Mom needs to understand that your focus was on yourself and the ceremony that lay ahead, not her feelings. Harsh, but true. Give her space to cool off, hopefully, she’ll come to realize that her behavior isn’t helping anyone. Apologizing will probably make her think her actions were acceptable.” Ratchet_gurl24
Another User Comments:
“When you return from your honeymoon, text your mom and tell her how much you appreciate everything she did for you on your wedding day, and even tho things didn’t go as perfectly as they could, you will cherish the memories of that day, and hope that she will too.
Tell her you can’t wait to see the pictures of the two of you together. And if she starts complaining, tell her to please not ruin the memories you have of your wedding day. You know that things were hectic, but it was still a very special day and you were so glad that she got to share your joy.
If she still complains, make it clear that you will not listen to any criticism of what was the most important day in your life, and if she can’t get over it, then you expect her to keep it to herself. That you won’t let her ruin it now by focusing on all the what ifs, and if onlys.” HoosierBeaver
19. AITJ For Choosing My Gay Best Friend As My Best Man?
“I (26M) am getting married in a few weeks. I officially announced my friend “Seth” as my best man last week and it didn’t go over well. We’re from a semi-rural area and Seth is gay. I met Seth when we were 15 and I originally only became friends with him because the girls liked him.
At that point, I honestly didn’t really care for queer people all that much. But after a while, we actually became close friends. I didn’t have to put up some macho front around him and he became my real best friend over the years. More so than even friends I’d known a few years more.
We even lived together in college.
My other “best friends” are miffed and can’t believe I chose Seth over them. I’ve been getting calls all week about how they feel betrayed as my friend over some gay guy from high school. My family is “ok” with it but are confused about it.
My fiance’s parents are asking her if I’m secretly gay. She says she understands and supports that I picked Seth but that maybe I’m causing too much of an issue picking him. Seth thinks maybe I should pick someone else and just let the drama go since I’m already going to be the best man at his wedding a few months from now.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. So much hate. If you have many “best” friends, most of them are going to miss out. It seems the real problem is that he is gay. You say your fiancee is supportive, but “maybe I should pick someone else just let the drama go” is not actually being supportive.
You would be the jerk if you dropped your real best friend as your best man, and replaced him with one of these homophobes. Anyone who has suggested Seth should not be the best man because he is gay is automatically someone who is not qualified to be your best man.” kimba-the-tabby-lion
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He’s not “some gay guy from high school”, but a very close friend. It seems like homophobic reactions, especially the “are you secretly gay” comment… Gay people don’t become straight from hanging out with straight, and vice versa… If I were you, I would stand by my choice and tell everybody who has a problem with it is not forced to attend.
They could simply be happy for you and your fiancée, the day is about you and her, but your “friends” are making it all about them, which is quite childish…” Dweia01
Another User Comments:
“This is ugly. Your family and friends are ugly. I’m not too fond of your fiance either.
The fact that everyone is this upset in 2024 about a gay best man at your wedding means you really need to look at the people you have chosen to surround yourself with. They are simply being homophobic. How you respond to this will determine the type of friend you truly are to Seth.
Of course, NTJ. But, you have terrible friends and a fiance who thinks it’s better to punish your friend for the homophobia of her family and your friends rather than stand firm and not cater to bigotry. I’m not fond of this situation at all.” Fit-Dependent-9779
18. AITJ For Not Wanting To Attend My Partner's Best Friends' Expensive Destination Wedding?
“My partner’s best friends are getting married next year and they decided to have the wedding in a country on the opposite side of the planet from us.
Since it’s so far away, my partner wants to turn it into a 2-week vacation (a little longer than I prefer but I understand not going across the planet for a weekend.)
I like the couple and I want to be at their wedding but the cost of the plane ticket alone is more than half a month’s pay.
Add in the rest of the vacation, food, wedding present, housing and whatever else expenses and it’s looking closer to a month’s pay plus nearly half of my vacation time at work.
I just feel this is a crazy big ask. Their wedding is going to be the longest, farthest, and most expensive vacation I have ever taken, including any I took with my parents growing up.
I have nothing against the location, in fact, I’m sure it’ll be gorgeous. However, it has no significance to me whatsoever. I have no heritage there, they weren’t my favorite topic in school, their food isn’t abnormally high on my list, nothing. The only reason we’re going is because the bride has a few family members there.
I don’t like the idea of my biggest most expensive vacation ever having no significance to me.
I don’t know if it’s just because I grew up less fortunate than a lot of this group of friends but they all think I’m being ridiculous for not wanting to go.
Nobody else seems to think it’s that big a deal or that big a cost.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Destination weddings are definitely a big ask! And I hate them. However: “I have nothing against the location, in fact, I’m sure it’ll be gorgeous. However, it has no significance to me whatsoever.
I have no heritage there, they weren’t my favorite topic in school, their food isn’t abnormally high on my list, nothing. The only reason we’re going is because the bride has a few family members there. I don’t like the idea of my biggest most expensive vacation ever having no significance to me.” IMO I would not give this as a reason.
It will come off as rude, and also might not be relatable to some people (like IDK, my biggest and most expensive vacation to date was just a really nice, fun place, not “special” to me in any way, but I respect your reasoning even if I don’t relate, but your best friends might not).
This is just advice! “My partner wants to turn it into a 2-week vacation,” this might be something you have to hash out with your partner depending on how y’all have finances split and how you decide vacations/spending together.” andromache97
Another User Comments:
“INFO: Can you afford it?
I mean, I recently went on a trip that cost about a month’s pay for me and took up all of my PTO. But I could afford it. How much it costs doesn’t really tell us whether it’s financially feasible for you. Your partner seems to think it’s doable.
“I don’t like the idea of my biggest most expensive vacation ever having no significance to me.” The reason you’d be going is to be there for your partner’s friend, and also to have a vacation with your partner? Is that meaningless? I mean, it might not be your number one spot, but I’ll eat my hat if you don’t have fun anyway.
Also… isn’t there room for compromise here? If two weeks is too expensive, what about one week? Or five days? Shutting down your partner’s ability to go to this wedding at all because it’s not high enough up on your bucket list seems pretty inflexible.” BigBigBigTree
Another User Comments:
“Info: Can you speak to your SO about the financial aspect? Would they be able to help by paying for the stay and keeping you out of the gift? Borrow clothes from friends and pack some protein bars and such for breakfast/snacks and be careful on remaining meals.
Once money is sorted, Ask if they would be willing to compromise on the length of the trip. If not, you can come back early and they can stay a bit longer. Or they get there early to enjoy a vacation and early wedding festivities, you join a day or two before the actual wedding.
If you can afford that half month pay and a week’s vacation, go do this for your SO and for building relationships. Otherwise, this will turn into a lifelong thing of “I don’t want to visit your parents because I don’t care for where they stay” and “I don’t care that you’ve been wanting to go to Paris forever, I don’t care for France so you go by yourself.”” poochonmom
17. AITJ For Losing My Temper At My Grandfather's Insensitive Comment About My Weight?
“I (17f) used to be very “chubby,” I have lost about 50-60lbs in the last year. My papa (76m) who we’ll call “John” is very inconsiderate and always has to say something.
Last Saturday, my sister Kayla (21f), my mom (47f), and I went to visit my gran and John.
John and my gran got together before I was born, but for the first 11ish years of my life, my bio-grandad was alive. So I still just call him John. My family goes to their house every Sunday for dinner, and this night, in particular, was special because I had just gotten accepted into an art gallery in my city, so my gran made my favorite food.
After everyone had their first portion, I decided to have some more potatoes. There was a very large amount so I took about 2 1/2 spoons of mashed potatoes (enough so that there was more than enough for everyone else to have more.) About 5 minutes later, my gran asked if anyone wanted more before she put the food in the fridge for leftovers.
John then chimed in (for some reason) and said something to the effect of: “I was going to have more potatoes, but looks like OP ate all of them, I better be careful or else she’ll eat the whole bag” (my granny bought a big bag of ~100 potatoes).
John knows how sensitive I am about my weight, and I still have no clue what made him say this comment.
I just lost it and said “There’s more than enough!” in a pretty loud/angry tone. John then got mad and stormed out of the house, slamming the door on his way out.
My mom then yelled at me, saying I had no right to be rude and scream at him (I had slightly raised my voice,) and that I needed to apologize. My gran says that I did the right thing in putting him in his place and that he shouldn’t have been commenting about my weight/what I was eating.
I am starting to think I was in the wrong, seeing as my mom keeps reminding me about it, and John won’t speak to me, but I need an unbiased opinion.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ (that title goes to John), but for future reference, it is more effective when standing up for oneself (or anyone else) to remain calm, as in: “that’s an odd comment, what do you mean by that?” “I didn’t realize you resented me for joining you for dinner.” “Was that a not-so-subtle dig at the weight I used to carry?
Why would you do that?”” booduhtatupu
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your nana totally has your back and I’d point that out to your mom. Your nana rocks. Your step-grandfather has zero right to comment on what you eat or your body. It’s inappropriate. Please don’t apologize because you did nothing wrong but put that guy in his place.” LowBalance4404
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As an obese person, I can confirm that it seems to be perfectly acceptable for someone who is skinny or fit to say the worst things you can imagine to overweight people. We can literally be minding our business and they will approach us unsolicited and say anything they want.
And it isn’t always just a simple “You’re fat” insult. But the second we speak back. The second we stand up for ourselves it doesn’t matter how light or heavy the snappy comeback is…we are always the one who somehow ended up being the bad person.
This is a typical experience. John wanted to put you down and it sounds like he is so thin-skinned he can’t handle someone giving the same energy back. It isn’t your fault your grandmother married a mean-spirited weak man.” Ill-Bird9180
16. AITJ For Not Financially Supporting My Cat After Leaving It With My Ex?
“I (34m) ended things with my partner (30f), moved to another city, and went no contact. We had 2 cats together. While technically one cat was mine and the other was my ex-partner’s, the cats were inseparable. Even during short trips to the vet: if orange was home & tabby was traveling, orange would be crying and searching the house, getting sad looks, refusing to eat, etc. The thing is I couldn’t take them both, because the tabby wasn’t mine and I wouldn’t bring myself to separate the cats for my selfish needs.
So we both decided my ex could keep the cats. It wasn’t easy and there is not a single day I do not miss my cat. I sometimes think it is time to get a cat from a shelter, but it feels like that would be replacing my orange, as if it was some toy that could be replaced.
All those years I was paying all medical care and food for our pets. It seems my ex assumed that it would continue. I had her blocked on everything because zero contact is the only healthy way of ending a relationship. Anyway, I must have forgotten to block her email, because one day she sent me emails about cats being in poor health condition and that orange (mine) was basically dying.
I didn’t entertain her ideas and simply ignored the topic. AITJ?
From the extent that I know my ex, she’s not only hoping for some cash, possibly a steady supply of cat funds but she may also plan to trick me into getting back together.
However, I feel that I abandoned my cat, but on the other hand, I wouldn’t force myself to send that abusive piece of junk any money. Would she even use that money on the cats?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – you set the terms of no contact during your breakup which is fine.
Your cats had bonded and you couldn’t separate them which is fine, they’re now the girl’s cats. But she didn’t do wrong in terms of contacting you either. I’d say that you could offer to take the cats. Both of them. You gave her your cat for the cats’ sakes.
Now if they’re in poor health, you can take both of them, but then they would become your pets again, not hers.” Electrical-Bat-7311
Another User Comments:
“INFO: Did you and your ex decide together that she would keep both cats or did you just leave them both without any discussion?
How long ago was this breakup? What specific information from your background with your ex makes you believe that the email about your former cat is only a ploy? Who told you no contact was “the only healthy way to end a relationship”? How long has the cat been solely with her?
Why are you so sure your ex needs a “ploy” to get back in touch with you when you never bothered blocking her email, and apparently she never even wrote you once until this?” MonarchOfDonuts
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for not caring that your cat is dying.
It’s messed up that you abandoned your cat with no care for its care to begin with, but to not even know how you can support this cat’s peaceful death is pretty gross. I can’t imagine being fine with a little animal that I said I loved possibly living in pain or suffering.
Especially since at the end of your post, you say you left the cats with someone abusive! You’ve been a jerk since the day you left them with someone you don’t trust enough to make sure they are taken care of. And framing this as “cat support” was utter nonsense and deeply misleading.” kittygattochat
15. AITJ For Not Buying My Daughter A T-Shirt Representing Her Father's Country?
“I (31f) and my ex (33m) have a 5-year-old daughter.
We come from different European countries and live in his country. We didn’t end our relationship on good terms but remain civil for our daughter’s sake.
As we all know Euro 2024 is in full swing, so I got myself and my kid t-shirts with my country’s name and colors.
She never wore it when she was with her dad and his side of the family, but I did share some photos and that’s where he saw the t-shirt.
I was asked if I got her the English t-shirt too and truthfully I said no. He said I was being unfair and a jerk for making her “pick sides”.
I told him that he’s more than welcome to get her a t-shirt too and I’ll be happy to get her to wear it even when she’s with me. He told me it’s my job to get her clothes because I have her full-time.
So… AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As a football fan, I would not expect my ex-partner to get my daughter both teams’ shirts for my sake. I am a Man City fan and if my ex got my daughter a Man United shirt just to mess with me even if she was not a fan of Man United I would take it as good fun.
You got matching shirts with your daughter for an experience your ex was not a part of. And the whole picking sides thing, I love football but come on man it’s just a game. It’s not that serious. Buy her a shirt of your team if it means so much to you.” Dance_Problem333
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I’m Irish, my husband is English and we live in England. Our children tend to support whichever team is doing better (or whichever parent they prefer at that moment in time!), so they have Ireland and England t-shirts. They have more Irish kits as I tend to buy their clothes, but if my husband wants them specifically to have an English kit he needs to go and get it.
(I admit if I’m passing something in the supermarket, I often pick it up for them, for instance, they have England shirts from Lidl, but I do not go out of my way.)” eve_darling
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If he wants her to like his team, he can pick up a shirt for his team.
Maybe if he bothered to put in that effort, she would like the team. You actually put in the effort and bought the child the shirt so she is going to like your team more most likely. “It’s your job to get her clothing.” Essential clothing.
Arguably, should be both parents but let’s just say for the sake of argument, only mom should buy essentials and dad doesn’t have to do anything. A sports jersey is not essential clothing. CPS won’t beat down your door because your kid doesn’t have a sports team shirt.
They might pop by if your kid doesn’t have shoes or any shirts but doesn’t have to be a sports shirt. You got your kid a shirt that seems to be more for you than your kid. It’s a you gift. He can buy her a shirt too.” SockMaster9273
14. AITJ For Implementing A Healthy Diet For My Whole Family Because One Of My Twins Is Obese?
“I have two children, 14-year-old identical twins “Megan” and “Alana”. Both are 5’0”.
Megan weighs over 150 pounds while Alana weighs around 95. They used to be the same weight until they were around 7, when Megan started getting chubby, but still healthy weight. When she was 11, Megan was considered medically overweight. I went to a doctor for advice, and he said that I shouldn’t worry too much since a lot of kids gain weight right before puberty, and then ‘balance out’ after their growth spurt.
The twins had their growth spurt last year, and Megan’s weight has only increased since then, to the point where she’s actually obese. So I decided to implement a healthy diet for the entire family.
I slowly started to cut back on sugar, junk food, and unhealthy snacks.
I cook them high-volume, low-calorie meals full of vegetables and protein so that they still feel full after eating. Neither of the twins is very athletic, so I’ve also tried encouraging them to engage in physical activities, like swimming, bike riding, trampolining, etc.
I tried putting emphasis on staying healthy instead of losing weight.
However, Alana guessed that the real reason for this new diet is because I want Megan to lose weight. She started complaining that it’s not fair that she also has to diet because her sister’s fat. I told her that I didn’t want Megan to feel singled out and feel as though she was the only one being punished for her weight.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for how you defended yourself. Healthy choices are healthy choices. Nutritious food is good. Exercise is good. Finding ways to use their bodies that are fun is good. You have almost committed to this idea, that health is valuable for everyone and isn’t a punishment, but then you don’t seem to really believe it.
This “we’re pretending to do this so that my fat kid doesn’t figure out that we secretly just want a skinny kid” thing you pull at the end… I think you need to figure out your own relationship with health a little before trying to do a family overhaul.
Your teen saw that you were pretending because you are, but why are you pretending? Why are vegetables and going outside not something your teen daughter could believe you really value?
There was a teenage boy who went blind because he’d been living off French fries and potato chips for years.
No one checked in with him because he was thin, so it was assumed he was healthy. It made the news. You acknowledge your thin daughter doesn’t eat vegetables or exercise either, so she’s also not healthy, she’s just thin. Thin and healthy aren’t the same thing.
If you’re trying to trick your daughter into being thin by pretending to value health, you’re just going to foster an unhealthy relationship with food and her body. The more you lie the more confused and messed up she’ll get.” imyourkidnotyourmom
Another User Comments:
“Your last sentence is very telling. You don’t want just one to feel that she is being punished for her weight. Nobody should feel like they are being punished for their weight, much less by the one person who is supposed to give them unconditional love.
Have you taken them to the doctor to have their hormone levels checked? You’re gonna feel like double the jerk when you find out you’ve been punishing both daughters because one is showing symptoms of PCOS.” Important_Reason_605
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ. Depending on how much junk food you actually had before it’s probably better for the whole family that you are all eating healthier but if you not allowing anyone to diverge from that it’s not fair on everyone else.
Have you had full-spectrum thyroid tests done? Had her BMR medically checked? Had hormones medically checked? You should get these checked ASAP to rule out deficiencies or worse Twins aren’t normally that far apart in stats unless since 7 years old she’s been sneaking food consistently and even then I’d question the amount she put on.” zombiezmaj
13. AITJ For Telling My Mom She's Neglecting Her Parental Duties?
“I am a 17 soon-to-be 18-year-old female. My mom had me at 19 and my brother at 16. Throughout my life, my mom had always prioritized my brother and her partner at the time now husband. For context, my brother has had ADHD and behavior issues since he was young and always had trouble behaving so the “good child” role fell to me from the start.
Like most, I was expected to get good grades, do whatever the adults told me to do, essentially everything my brother couldn’t do, and more with no complaints or any help.
My brother was 15 when he got a girl pregnant and everyone just glossed over it and have taken care of the child (my nephew) since he was 1.
All the attention and resources went to his child.
When I turned 14 I got a job to buy the essentials and whatever I wanted, little did I know that would be the start of my mother’s “parenting downfall.” When I got the job and was bringing income my mom slowly stopped providing everything.
First, it was tissues then socks simple stuff really but then it went to food, transportation, school fees, regular clothes, and washing powder all under the reason that “you have a job now” which was fine because I understood my nephew required more and my family wasn’t well off but comfortable in a 3 person house.
I recently got into a fight with my mother after I quit my job due to much stress and lack of mental stability with the money I was earning. I was paying rent (400), my phone bill essentials, cleaning supplies, food, and helping out with my nephew’s daycare.
When I stopped working of course the things I was paying for all stopped as well which made my mom angry and she yelled all the time. She was mad that she had to spend more money on food, had to pay more rent, and had to spend extra money on my car payment (which I totally agree is reasonable to be mad at).
Everything that I had been paying for fell on her.
But one day my room wasn’t clean and my attendance wasn’t up to date for my online schooling and she busted in my room complaining and cussing me out telling me I wasn’t going to be anything and that she shouldn’t have to provide for me.
That I should just get another job because she has to spend more money on me for things I should be paying for. That she shouldn’t have to feed me or clothe me.
For multiple years she’s treated me as if I was a mistake and vented out her anger on me if anything bad has happened and I finally yelled back at her that she had gotten too comfortable not being a mother, and left the house.
She’s now been telling family members that I ran away for no reason and won’t come home so AITJ for telling my mother she has gotten too comfortable not being one?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. What you’re describing is neglect. Your parents are supposed to provide you with all the essentials.
Earning money at a job to save up for college or to spend on extras or non-essentials like a phone or car or special outfit or specific shoes or handbag… that’s one thing. But being charged rent or for clothing essentials or food is not okay as a minor.
That’s your parents’ responsibility to provide for you. I’m sorry they’re making you pay them rent and making you pay for your own food and clothes and toiletries. It’s wrong, and you aren’t wrong to call her out for it. I hope you tell all your relatives the truth about her and how she’s been treating you.” RulerOfNyaNyaLand
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and I think you need to get into counseling/therapy because you are way too young to have had so much responsibility put on you and you can’t let the stress impact your schooling. Your mom is expecting you to take on an adult role of provider and, you’re right; she stopped being your mom as soon as she saw that you could help provide for yourself and the family.
That’s not your job. Your job is to go to school. It’s up to your mom and her husband to provide a home, food, school fees, and other essentials. The car is a different story, however, and if you bought it or agreed to make the payments on it, then you may need to give it up if you can no longer do that.” mamaleo29
Another User Comments:
“This is tough. NTJ. Although, I see two sides very clearly. Yes, you should be living your youth of age and not taking on so many responsibilities on your own, it’s definitely met with its poor judgment and fairness. However, I can’t help but feel for your family situation as well.
I don’t think there’s a complete right to wrong on who to blame. It’s unfair across the board as a whole. Sometimes we can’t choose the fate that we’re born into and certainly have to bear a lot of pressure.
The best thing I would encourage you to do is not to say anything. As much as you’re valid for your experiences and unfair expectations, it won’t benefit to express it out right now. This is something I would aim to do in therapy sessions so you feel heard without having it conflict with you in personal environments.
I am happy for you to reach out if you wish to. Beyond dealing with the situation, continue with your studies where you can and plan accordingly to make your path. It’s not right you should be responsible for this on your own, the empowering feeling you gain knowing you have your own back and you’ve led yourself into stability, will only continue to grow you into a successful strong person.
It will be hard but lean on those around you that encourage focus and comfort. You sound aware, I hope life throws you a break and starts to slow down a bit.” _ladyluna
12. AITJ For Telling A Kid It's Okay After He Hit My Car With A Ball?
“It’s Friday night and I went to the gas station to get some booze after work. As I pulled back into my apartment I saw a kid and dad playing catch in the parking lot right outside my front door.
I was collecting my things and about to head inside when I heard a thump on my car and knew the kid hit my car. I gave the dad a thumbs-up from inside the car.
When I got out he was telling the kid not to focus on me or my car.
I just casually said “hey he’s got to learn somehow” and to the kid “don’t worry buddy”.
Well, the guy came to my apartment and said I hurt his son’s feelings and to never address him again. I just said I was sorry and I didn’t mean any offense.
I don’t know if what I said was inappropriate or if maybe because I had booze in my hands he just thought something different? The guy just left after I said sorry so I guess that’s the end of it but it made me wonder if I did something wrong?
I don’t think my tone was off.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The father is teaching his son to pretend he did nothing wrong when, in fact, he DID hit your car and he should learn to acknowledge it and offer to pay to fix the damage.
I’d have asked the father if he wanted to pay for the damage that his son did to my car.” Individual_Ad_9213
Another User Comments:
“NTJ the only possible sensible non-absolute-nutty explanation this could have is that maybe he thought you were making fun of the kid?
As in thumbs up “Great throw!” “Hey he’s got to learn somehow. (that little jerk who can’t aim).” “Don’t worry buddy (I’ll pretend that I didn’t see that mess up)”. You were worried about the car and maybe he was worried about the kid never wanting to play catch – hence “Ignore that throw – don’t focus on the car – keep practicing”.
That’s the only sensible thing I can think of (like if the kid was self-conscious or was bullied for his bad throw in school or low self-esteem or something).” thenewmara
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. That exchange should have been a positive one. One that should have given the kid some confidence that mistakes happen but it’s not the end of the world.
Dad turned it into something weird and that’s on him. Kids need to understand that other people will talk to them, not just their parents. Other people will offer them advice and that’s okay. As long as the person isn’t trying to coerce the child, parents need to let their kids see that others exist around them.” Fredcakes
11. AITJ For Refusing To Let My Aunt Gift My Son A Dog?
“I (32M) come from a very dog-friendly family. My family is passionate about them and all dogs are family. My mom and her sister grew up with them, owned them, fostered them, and volunteered at shelters, and continue to do so to this day. When my siblings, cousins, and I were born we were all gifted a dog to grow up with.
I, however, did not connect with my dog and he was not my best friend.
I’m going to be honest when my dog passed, I wasn’t that upset, more relieved, and I haven’t had a dog since. I’m cool with dogs that are not mine, but I’m not dog crazy and will never own one again.
My wife and I recently had a son and my aunt approached me about what/when to give him his dog. I told her that she could get him one when he is 18 and off to college and has his own place. That was obviously not a good answer for her.
She continued pushing the topic. You are insane if you think my family will ever have a dog. I don’t want one and will never have a dog again. I said my son is more than welcome to play with dogs when visiting family, he can go to his grandma’s house and spend all day with them if he wants.
She essentially said I was a jerk and a bad parent by removing something joyful from my son’s life. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I LOVE dogs and yet I would never gift someone a dog who expressed any sort of hesitancy to owning one.
They are a lot of responsibility; your schedule can revolve around them and without training, they become more trouble. I really don’t understand the idea of gifting someone a live creature without consulting the people who would actually have to take care of them, it seems so irresponsible to me.
And as I read this; I realize that you JUST had a son, so seriously, the dog isn’t a gift for your son, it’s work for you.” cleegiants
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, I’m a dog collector and work with rescues. I would never allow a dog to go to a home unless all the occupants are totally on board.
It’s not fair on the dog, and if they are sensitive to a negative reaction, it can cause stress, which can lead to unwanted behaviors, which can then exacerbate the non-dog person’s negativity. People have all sorts of reasons why they don’t like or want a dog, and that’s ok because it’s what’s best for the dog that matters.
Your aunt is being ridiculous and irresponsible by pushing a dog you don’t want onto you, and she should know better if she’s really a dog lover. Maybe when your children are older and able to care for the dog, you might be persuaded and ok with doing the basics, but for now, stick to your guns.” rebelpaddy27
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I don’t agree with pets as a gift in general. Animals are living beings, not commodities to exchange on birthdays and holidays. I am always leery of people who claim their pets are their children. (And this is coming from someone with 2 dogs and 3 cats and absolutely count my pets as family).
Most of the time I hear that it is usually coming from people who are not well educated on their animals or animal behavior and anthropomorphize their pets to an unhealthy degree. Pets are not human and have very different needs from humans. I am sure your aunt wouldn’t gift a human baby to someone.
So I know on some level she understands that pets are not the same as a human person. There is a lot of responsibility associated with taking care of a dog and your son is an infant, which means that the dog will be your responsibility, not his.
Also gifting a pet to a baby is wild. I’m all for parents wanting to get their kid a pet, but if the goal is for the pet to bond with the kid, then the kid should be old enough to have a say in what pet they get and old enough to handle at least part of the care required. Some people just aren’t pet people.
That’s fine. I’m not a kid person. I don’t have or want kids, never will have kids. My partner and I prefer our child-free life. I don’t care or judge others who have kids. The same is true for people who don’t like pets.
People who don’t like or want dogs/pets aren’t less empathetic than people who do and aren’t “cruel” for not wanting a pet in their home. I will say that once your son is old enough maybe consider some type of compromise on pets if it is super important to him and both you and your wife agree on it.
But to get a pet for a baby is ridiculous.” Substantial_Rip_4675
10. AITJ For Watching The Euro 2024 Championship When My Parents Unexpectedly Visited?
“My (36F) wife (Ava – 35F) is from the UK. We live in the States. Ava really likes football and as you know the Euro 2024 championship is going on now.
I noticed Ava was kind of bummed about not being able to go to the games (she had important meetings all over the dates).
So I bought jerseys for the four of us (myself, Ava, our 6-year-old son and 5-year-old daughter). And paint (for our faces).
It began around noon, and we all got very much into it. So the TV was loud, the kids were going crazy and so were the moms aka Ava and me.
My parents don’t live in the same area as we do, and they visit us occasionally. They were supposed to come the next day but surprised us by arriving a day early. We said hi and guided them to one of the guest rooms, etc.
I told them they could join us for the match, and that we were very much into watching it, and that I wouldn’t be able to tend to them as usual. They were confused (they know nothing literally nothing about football). They said they’d sit down for a bit anyway.
We watched the second half together and thankfully we won the game. It was so much fun to watch. However, my parents told me I was being weird and behaving erratically. (They’re used to seeing me as this responsible rational model student since I was 12 so I can see where they’re coming from but I’m not like that with my family anymore, only at work).
However, they insisted I should have paid more attention to them, and accommodated them better instead of focusing on a game. I even received calls from my brother accusing me of disrespecting our parents, and saying I should take them out for a special day or something for an apology.
Was it that much of a jerk behavior?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If you show up unexpectedly, you can’t expect the household to suddenly drop its plans for you. Good for you for not interrupting the game that you, your wife, and your kids were having such a good time watching!
If they didn’t want to watch the game, they could have retired to the guest room for the duration and read a book, taken a nap, occupied themselves some other way, or just asked how long the game would be and gone out shopping/for a drink.” Own_Lack_4526
Another User Comments:
“How dare you have fun and be happy with your family in front of your parents! Sarcasm obviously. Lol, when people arrive when they are NOT expected then they have to put up with the fact that their hosts may not be able to wait on them hand and foot.
THEY should have respected your time and shown up when they were supposed to or stayed at a dang hotel if they were going to come early. Crimeny. NTJ.” KimB-booksncats-11
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all. Usually, I would agree that it is rude to watch TV whilst guests are over, however, your parents were the rude ones here by “surprising” you by rocking up the day before without any consideration whatsoever as to whether you are available to receive them at that point.
They are lucky you said they could come in and stay without any notice whatsoever. Considering they decided to encroach upon your pre-arranged time together, they should not expect you to stop whatever you are doing. They could’ve tried bonding further with your family by sitting together and watching the game with you all.
Whilst we England fans cheer “football’s coming home,” it appears your parents are doing that, but in your home.” majesticjewnicorn
9. AITJ For Wanting To Cut Off My Mom From Her Grandkids After She Disregarded My Rules?
“My two daughters (12f and 7f) are with me (42m) full time and don’t have contact with their mom because of a restraining order. It’s for their safety but it’s hard on them. That’s their mom and they love her. They have a lot of trauma from when they were with her and they know (to the extent young kids can) she is unwell but they still miss her and don’t always understand why they can’t see her.
My partner and I along with school and counseling professionals have worked hard to get their mental health stabilized to the point where they’ve internalized they are safe and free to be happy kids.
We live a few hours away from my mom/stepdad and extended family.
My oldest (20m) is living with my mom while he goes to school. A few times a year my mom will take the girls for a few days so they can visit and we can get a break. ~6 months ago my kids’ mom moved near where my mom/family live (she also has family there).
At first, I didn’t want the girls there at all without me there. After a while and a lot of talks about rules/boundaries (where it was safe to take them, where NOT to take them, who was ok to know they were in town, etc.) we arranged for them to visit at the start of their summer break.
2 days in I saw a pic of them getting ready for church which is off-limits because their mom goes to the same one. My worry is damage to their mental health if they see her and can’t approach her or witness her make an emotional scene.
I reached out and repeated to my mom not to take them. I later learned she did anyway. I called her, no answer. I wanted to find out what happened (maybe they somehow knew for certain she wouldn’t be there?) and reiterate expectations for the rest of the visit.
About an hour later my mom texted my partner and me that she was sick of being “mistreated” and “blamed” by us and that my oldest had apparently decided with my girls a plan to go and keep away from their mom if she was there.
In addition to being confused by her attack because we hadn’t said a word to her yet about the situation (I called but didn’t leave a voice message), I was angry that she completely disregarded my request and thought that since she didn’t “influence” them to go to church she was blameless.
This isn’t the first time she’s abdicated responsibility when watching my kids but she has gotten a lot better in the past couple of years.
I want to cut the visit short and tell my mom that she will not see her grandkids anymore because I can’t trust her to be responsible for them and respect my boundaries.
My siblings think I’m overreacting and that it will harm my kids because they love their grandparents and they also will not see their older brother anymore while he’s living there.
So WIBTJ if I cut off my mom from her grandkids?”
Another User Comments:
“Firstly if your ex shows up to Church the restraining order means she needs to leave. Your mother could call the police or ask an elder to inform her she is breaking the restraining order. The children and your mom do not need to vacate.
It sounds like your eldest and the younger ones were fine with removing themselves. Please talk to your mom and ask her what is making her feel picked on? I don’t think it’s wise for them to lose another womanly figure in their lives, so please don’t go no contact.
If nothing is resolved then perhaps therapy.” Spiritual-Concert363
Another User Comments:
“Did anything happen at the church when your children went there? Your 20-year-old son is at your mother’s while your children are there – can’t he help keep your daughters from seeing their mother?
In most states, grandparents have rights – so ‘cutting her off’ may not be possible. Is that really what you want to do? Your fears are not groundless – it is definitely a risk having their mother near them under these circumstances. But your son can help, you can tell your mother ONE more violation of your rules and the girls won’t be back again unless you are with them.
Also, your 12-year-old is old enough to follow your rules, too. It’s a rough road you have to follow.” omeomi24
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You need to cut it short and tell Mom she is on supervised visits from now on. If she can’t follow the rules then she can’t see them by herself.
Tell your siblings and anyone else that you, their counselors, and doctors have come up with what needs to happen to keep your kiddos on a healthy track. You don’t need Mom and others to wreck the progress the kiddos have made, just because Mom wants it her way.
Let the girls know they can still see her, but it will be supervised. They can FaceTime Grandma and call her. But if Grandma talks badly about you and your partner let the kids and grandma know that will be the end of the calls and visits.
Disrespect will not be tolerated.” Effective_Brief8295
8. AITJ For Telling My Uncle That His Wife Is A Suspected Thief?
“I (24f) told my uncle Steve (30m) that his wife Missy (31f) is a thief.
Around 2 years ago, $5k was stolen from my grandpa Eddy’s home. No one knew who it was, but they suspected it was Missy. Around the same time, Uncle Steve’s roommate told him that Missy had stolen close to $1.5k from him. Steve did not believe him and ended up losing his roommate.
Around 6 months ago we noticed that my mom “lost” some jewelry that was very hidden in her room. Amounting close to $5k. The only ones that had access to my mom’s room were them.
Close to a month ago Eddy’s wife “lost” some jewelry that was less than $1k
Two weeks ago, Eddy left his phone on the table and it disappeared from the table.
My cousin Addy called my mom and told her Eddy had his phone stolen and, again, the only variant was Missy. She was the only person who was an “outsider” in all of these circumstances.
All of them happened when she was around. No one had told Steve anything since we had no proof. No one had proof of anything. The family was starting to notice that, in fact, she was the only variant. Always.
So, I asked Steve to call me when he was alone.
It took him close to a week to do so, and when he did, I told him everything. I also called Addy and told her to expect a call from Steve since he wanted more information on this.
Today I woke up to my mom yelling at me for getting into “her” business and ratting out Missy to Steve.
Saying that it was not my place and I had no right to say anything to Steve. Maybe it wasn’t my place to say anything?
Why did I do it? The thing is… Steve is in his last year as a resident. And his roommate was a resident as well.
His reputation was very damaged when Missy’s robberies came to light and she might damage his reputation and his career. So. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“I don’t see how Steve’s learning about people’s suspicions involving his wife could ruin his career. If anything, you have warned him (a) to look for the stolen items and (b) to be alert when they go out together.
NTJ.” Individual_Ad_9213
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you only want to protect your uncle. Which was the right thing to do. And seeing how much money and jewelry and stuff has gone missing already, I’d wanna be protected from Missy too.” parvisedmagni87
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Someone was going to put the pieces together eventually with this many incidents. You just did your uncle (and everyone else) a favor by pointing out the pattern before more damage could be done. They should be thanking you but they are obviously stuck in denial mode.” Chemical_Cupcake_100
7. AITJ For Wanting To Report My Neighbor's Neglect Of His Dogs?
“Hearing a dog barking for a week straight, maybe… potentially even a few weeks, but a year is just way too much.
Not only is it bad for our neighborhood (it is VERY loud) no one can sleep well. These dogs bark continuously through the night and through the day. All day and night all you hear is these dogs barking.
Now that animal rights component is even worse.
2 big cane corsos in a tiny 10-foot by 15-foot cage (approximately probably smaller) 24/7 they are just kept there. This cage is filled with just rocks at the bottom and a plain old area with no toys, etc. There is visibly a bunch of poop that is not cleaned at all which makes it hard for the dogs to even move around at all.
They are kept like this 24/7.
Our neighbour is a nice guy but this is unacceptable. I’m thinking of putting in a complaint and telling no one (not even my parents) it was me. Because this is wrong for everyone. If you cannot give them the life they deserve, don’t have them.
Am I wrong for this? Is there anything else?
This is simply just wrong for everyone. They obviously don’t care about the dogs, the dogs need a better home, everyone needs better sleep and not to hear a dog every second.”
Another User Comments:
“OP, I find myself agreeing with you 100%, I could never imagine myself treating animals like this, your neighbor (s) is very neglectful and possibly abusive. In Canada/the United States animal abuse is a crime/Federal offense and could land them up to five years in prison or a $200.000 fine, depending on how severe it is.
You definitely should report them, if you wish to remain anonymous you can do so, but please save those animals. 100% NTJ.” Yo-KaiWatchFan2102
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Not sure where you live, but most cities will notify the owners with a warning…subsequent notices could bring a fine.
The owners have responsibility over their animals. We have a pitbull next door, used to bark all night. Someone called, and now they keep her inside at night. They never confronted anyone about it, but they are nice people. Not sure how people will react to your situation, but your neighbor will definitely think YTJ.
But who cares what obnoxious people think!” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ lord knows I’m not waiting an entire year before saying something, but good luck getting those owners to care or getting someone to make them care. You can call the police for a noise disturbance, you can shame them online if your community has a social media group, if you have an HOA you can use their evil for good, or (probably the most effective and fastest solution) you can slip those dogs some night time treats to help them sleep all night.
I only include that last one because you might find yourself fighting a lost cause to make anyone care. BUT GOOD LUCK, people are rooting for you!” imustbe-stupid
6. AITJ For Planning A Birthday Dinner With Friends While My Partner Is At A Festival?
“My significant other and I have been together for a year. I have my birthday coming up this month and haven’t made any plans.
I knew that my significant other would possibly be at a festival on my birthday, but today I got it confirmed. He was on his phone with his friends and they were planning the trip. I asked him about the dates, and he said he wouldn’t be home and kept talking with his friend.
I then looked at the facts and decided that I didn’t want to be alone on my birthday, so I sent a message to a group of my friends. I asked them if they were free on my birthday and if they would save the date.
I was thinking we could go out for dinner that day.
I told my significant other when he was done with his conversation that I had asked some of my friends out to dinner on the day. He got so mad that I had asked them without talking to him first!
He didn’t want me to celebrate my birthday without him. I think he’s also mad at himself for forgetting that my birthday was on the same day as the festival. He wanted me to celebrate on a different day, so he could join.
I told him that the whole point of me going out for dinner on my birthday is because I don’t want to be alone on the day. He raised his voice and told me that I was selfish for not giving him a chance to find a solution to the problem before inviting the girls out.
He talked about maybe having me come join him at the festival for the day (he pays). I don’t like the music at the festival, and also don’t want to travel by plane for a day! I also have to work on the day of my birthday and the day after.
So it wouldn’t work. My significant other then proceeded to say that I as a Christian should forgive and give him a chance to repent before I make other plans without talking to him first. I said I wasn’t mad at him for being away, just that I didn’t want to be alone on my birthday!
He knows I would have spent the day with him if he was home. I also told him I only invited girls, so he would feel less of a party without him! He’s still mad at me. Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and I would run. He sounds selfish and controlling. I understand mistakes happen and yeah we could forget a date or two. However, why is he upset at you for making plans on your birthday when you both could celebrate it another day and it would still have the same meaning?
Another thing is that his solution was you going to his festival thing which you do not enjoy and you really wouldn’t have time for. He doesn’t sound like that great of a guy if he’s getting upset at you for making plans on a day that he wasn’t even going to be there for.” Ok-Statistician9362
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, his logic is faulty! He wants you to do nothing on your birthday so that he can celebrate it with you on another day and you to be ok with it, or he wants you to spend it traveling to his music festival where he will be working and for you to sit at a festival where you don’t enjoy the music.
Then he thinks that using religion is an ok way to manipulate you into feeling bad? The problems I see, are, he is immature, selfish, and is trying to use religion to manipulate you into thinking you did something wrong. I would not tolerate anyone thinking that they had any say in what I do when they are not around, knowing I wasn’t up to bad things in general. No one should have control over you!” ConfusedAt63
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. A proper resolution would be something like inviting you to the trip or having a mini gift (for example flowers) on your birthday) and still doing something with you before/after the trip. Meanwhile, you could still go out with your friends for the birthday.
He owes you an apology honestly. He is showing zero respect for you or the relationship. Let alone the use of religion to support his argument? If no apology and proper solution, consider leaving him. You’ve only been together a year and you don’t deserve this treatment.
Luckily, a year isn’t too much time invested. Not that it is ever too much time to save one’s self.” GeneralPenalty3183
5. AITJ For Refusing To Buy Expensive Matching Outfits For My Sister's Wedding?
“My (23M) sister (26F) is getting married this summer and wants all brothers to wear the same clothes as each other.
It is a South Asian wedding with three events, so I’m expected to have three different sets of clothes for each one. I feel it is unreasonable to expect me to spend this much on clothes.
They are currently in Pakistan, buying the clothes from there because “it’s cheaper”. For events #1 and #2, they’ve chosen clothes that cost £150 each. For event #3 they initially wanted to get Asian clothes, but I insisted that they go for normal (western) suits, because at least those I can wear for other things.
However, they are now insisting that these suits should be bought from the same shop so that the colors match… I was planning to get a very cheap suit, but they’re going to get something more expensive than what I had in mind.
I’m a student in my final year of uni.
I work a part-time job, and between my student loan and my part-time job, I have enough money to pay rent and have some left over. That said, I usually have no money left at the end of the month. I won’t deny that I’m not the best at controlling my spending: whenever I have a depressive “episode” of laying in bed most of the day, I end up ordering cheap takeaways instead of cooking (or at least getting a meal deal).
I also spend quite a bit on a very niche sport (which I originally started because my mental health nurse told me to try doing sports). It’s not great, but I don’t think my coping habits are anyone else’s business but mine.
However, my sister has previously pointed to that spending to say that I should be saving for her wedding (this was in relation to me saying that I couldn’t afford flights if she had a destination wedding, though this didn’t happen because she couldn’t afford it either).
My siblings are all older than me so most have full-time jobs. The one who doesn’t live at home so doesn’t have the burden of paying £9k a year in rent and bills. If I had more disposable income, I’d be okay with it, but I don’t think I’m the jerk for not cutting my spending on the things that make life tolerable.
Would it be unreasonable to say that I don’t want to buy any of that stuff? I think if she wants us to match, she should have to pay. Otherwise, I should be allowed to choose whatever cheap stuff I can find.”
Another User Comments:
“”There is no room in my budget for the outfits you are requesting. You can either let me choose to wear what I can afford or you can buy clothes for me… I’ll let you decide which option you are more comfortable with. But regardless, I’m not discussing the details of my financial situation with you.
And until you give me an answer on whether I should wear clothes I can afford or whether you want to buy something for me, I will not engage in any further clothes-related conversations.” NTJ. Your sister is being entirely unreasonable. Budgetary constraints are a boringly normal reason to decline to do something and if she wants you in a particular outfit so bad, she can pay for it.
Either way, you do not have to continue to have this conversation with her.” DinaFelice
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but I would discuss this with your sister. Tell her that you do not have the money and see how you can resolve this. Maybe she can lend you the money and you can pay her back in installments?
If you are in your final year, you could probably pay her back once you get a job next year. It seems like you have known about this wedding for quite some time, but have had different priorities with the money you had, while your sister expected you to save up for her wedding.
That is your choice, nothing wrong with that, but you need to communicate clearly to her what she can expect from you.” Slayerofdrums
4. AITJ For Not Letting My Family Stay At Our Apartment Due To My Partner's PTSD?
“My (22m) partner of 3 years (21f) has severe PTSD.
She’s been in therapy for years and has really improved over the past few years. The one thing that hasn’t improved is that nights are hard for her and she needs very specific things to be able to fall asleep.
She needs every window in the apartment to be closed and locked, our bedroom door has to be locked, and she checks the entire apartment 1-2 times before going to sleep to make sure everything is how she needs it.
The light has to be on and she needs a fan and a heated blanket. From there there can’t be any loud noises. We don’t have anything on the bed or where it can be expected to accidentally make a noise and we have sound-dampening curtains outside our window because if there’s any loud noise she’ll wake up and I’ll have to check the apartment, closets, and everything, and convince her that she’s safe and can go back to bed. Even with all of this she still has nights where she wakes up screaming or has nightmares so bad that she vomits.
We stayed with my family a few months ago and it was horrible. I explained all of this to my mom and she assured me the doors and windows have locks, they can keep the windows closed at night while she’s there, they’ll make sure there’s no loud noises at night, and they have a fan she could use.
It was horrible. None of the doors or windows were locked, there was no fan, my sister was not quiet at night, and they complained about the light so much that we turned it off. We stayed there for 2 nights and she didn’t sleep at all for either of those nights and then had rough days because she wasn’t sleeping.
On the 3rd day, I ended up spending almost $1000 on an Airbnb so she could sleep. They said I was being ridiculous and that she was exaggerating because there was no way she stayed up for 2 nights. The rest of the visit was ok since she was able to sleep but they kept making comments about how ridiculous we were being for getting an Airbnb.
Now they want to visit our city and stay in our apartment but I said no because when we stayed with them, it was a mess and I can’t throw her off in her own home. They think we’re being dramatic and that if it’s that big of a deal she can stay with her sister while they’re here (our apartment is on her sister’s property, her sister built it specifically so she would be able to move out while still having someone right there when she needs help) but I refuse to kick her out so they could stay.
Now they’re calling us ungrateful and saying my partner hates them and I’m taking her side. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Your family is being dramatic and entitled. Good that you support and protect your partner. I have been where she is. It gets better with time.
I still wake up screaming 20 years later, but not often. Your partner can heal if she is surrounded by people who support her. I have been doubting myself so much, whether I have a “right” to feel as I do. But you cannot stop night terrors by willing them away.
With all the self-doubt and guilt for being “difficult,” you can forget that it’s not your fault. People who downplay your nightmares play right into this self-doubt, strengthen the guilt, and make recovery so much harder. Tell her that none of this is her fault.
A big rescue dog helped me to feel safe. He’s amazing. Could this be something for her? A big, cuddly bear who doesn’t judge but is quietly present when she is scared. And me wanting to protect my dog (he is blind) helped me to become stronger and more assertive.
Win-win. NTJ.” glamourcrow
Another User Comments:
“PTSD this severe must be pretty unusual so I was going to give your parents a lot of room for the fact that neither they nor their social group have any precedent to help them understand the importance of your partner’s conditions for sleeping.
However, then you said this apartment actually belongs to your partner’s sister but your parents expect your partner to move out when they want to stay there, and I just ended up with the conclusion that your parents are entitled and unreasonable people. Also, as someone else pointed out, your partner is closer to having an ownership stake in this apartment than you do.
If anyone is going to get kicked out, it’s gonna be you. Do your parents understand that if you offend your partner’s sister, she might kick YOU out? You are NTJ.” Reasonable-Sale8611
Another User Comments:
“For the issue of not letting your parents stay in your home: NTJ.
However, as someone else with C-PTSD who has had routines over the years and been in and out of various forms of therapy: I feel for your partner. But she needs more help than she’s getting for her level of fear being this extreme.
Imposing her set of rules for safety in your family’s home was not a reasonable expectation from the beginning. Part of a program that helped save my life as a crime victim was realizing that while the world isn’t guaranteed to be safe, I cannot reasonably live my life in constant fear that the trauma will happen again.
It was an intensive group therapy with other women who had experienced similar trauma. We met online twice a week for maybe 2 hours at a time for maybe 12 weeks? I can’t exactly remember. But we had a workbook, homework, writing exercises, and individual sessions with the group therapist, too.
Knowing I wasn’t alone helped so much. The group leader also helped get me into an individual private therapist who treats trauma, accepts my insurance, does DBT, and EMDR. I hope your partner finds some peace. Healing is a constant journey.” Ok-Buddy-7979
3. AITJ For Leaving My Shift After Being Forced To Change Positions Without Agreement?
“For a year and a half, I’ve been spending my weekends helping a family friend, Miranda, with their small business restaurant. I have another job that prevents me from being there full-time. Before me, she was running the kitchen by herself. I have kitchen experience so I told her I could help her in the kitchen on weekends.
She’s been paying me cash ($8.50/hr) which was fine because I had some luxuries (watching what I want on the TV, listening to my music, etc.).
Recently, she got a new “business” partner, John. He doesn’t have any financial investment in the business. Miranda said they were on a trial basis and not official. Basically, he started overhauling everything.
He changed the menu, prices, and days of operation. Usually on the weekend, John and I are in the kitchen while Miranda works the front of house. Yesterday, Miranda went out of town for the day so John agreed to work front and I was scheduled for kitchen.
Yesterday, John spent the majority of his time in the kitchen which by default put me in the front (which I didn’t agree to). John said this is how business works, we have to sacrifice, etc. Anyway, I didn’t want to work the front so I called in the front worker from the week to come in and left. I communicated to Miranda that this was happening.
In hindsight, I could have communicated better and that wasn’t the best way to leave. I told Miranda this and apologized.
Anyway, John got offended and said that he’s going to be working every Saturday if I have a problem with him, then the business doesn’t need me.
He says that the partnership is official (no one told me this and Miranda says they are still working on the contract.) Anyway, I said I don’t have an issue working with John. I have an issue not getting to work in the kitchen like we all agreed.
John said I wasn’t a team player, etc. I told Miranda that I’ve been here since the beginning doing more than my fair share for poor compensation and John just showed up a month ago. John said I’m not working anymore but Miranda (who is still the sole owner) says that she wants me there on Saturdays.
At this point, I don’t care how John feels about me but I don’t know if I can continue to be friends with Miranda if he becomes her official partner. It’s awkward because I hang out with Miranda all the time outside of the restaurant and our families are close but if that’s what has to happen.
Oh well.
AITJ for leaving my shift because I didn’t work the position I was scheduled for?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. True, the way you left and overall circumstances may not have been the best, but it did not come overnight, it’s been “brewing” for some time, and in light of everything else happening, it’s perfectly understandable that you walked away.
I wonder if the business itself was affected by all these changes, and if so, how? The way things are going, it will likely be for Miranda to choose, you or John. Let me guess, you’re a woman? And John is the big manly man who knows best?” SuccessDifficult5981
Another User Comments:
“NTJ you helped a friend out and used your experience to work in the kitchen for her business, yes you got paid under the counter but you did the work when she needed help. She then got a business partner who is throwing his weight around without a contract to back it up and not telling you it’s now official or he is just a jerk and thinks it’s a done deal. You weren’t to work expecting to do the job you have been paid for which is your expertise, not a job you have not had to do.
John can’t just change it up on you, that should have been a conversation, his saying all have to sacrifice makes it sound like he thinks you’re a partner or tied in somehow. He thinks you need that job. You told him the truth and then told Miranda the actual business owner you won’t be continuing, he is not official yet so he doesn’t count.
Don’t go back, just see your friend outside work on the Saturdays that she is no longer working once she finds your replacement. John is not going to last long.” parlay_pass_rum
Another User Comments:
“ESH. Front of house and back of house are totally different skill sets.
You don’t just take a line cook and tell her she’s working front for the night. That has disaster written all over it and any restaurant manager should be smart enough not to make that mistake. Having said that, there are times when you just have to******* up and muddle through.
If Miranda was gone, that (apparently) left nobody qualified to work the front. What do you do then? Close the restaurant? Assign a line cook to work the front? You don’t have any good choices, just a variety of crappy ones. But I can’t give John a pass for trying to make the best of it.
John agreed to work the front. While he didn’t need to do that, he left Miranda with the impression “I’ve got this,” when that was not his plan. So now John proves to be a poor manager and a poor business partner. Miranda? I don’t know what she is thinking, trying to partner up with John.
John has red flags all over the place. But OP walked out of her shift. That’s not good, even if OP did call in another employee to cover. OP can’t do that, she’s just a worker bee.” Southern_Boat9193
2. AITJ For Not Reminding My Ex-Wife About Our Daughter's Birthday?
“I used to be married a few years ago. It was not a happy marriage and we divorced. She needed to go back to work after the divorce and her quality of life isn’t where it was when we were married. Due to this, she hasn’t handled the transition well and I got primary custody.
She sees them on weekends.
It was my middle child’s birthday yesterday. She got zero calls from mom, no present was dropped off and she didn’t go to the party. She was invited. She is 12 years old and noticed right away. She was not happy at all and apparently, she promised her that she would at least call.
My daughter sent quite a mad message to her and is ignoring any messages from her mom at the moment. She gave me a call upset. She called me a jerk for not reminding her at the minimum and that I could have pretended a gift was from her.
I told her it is not my problem and it’s not my fault she can’t remember basic things.
I don’t know if I went too far.”
Another User Comments:
“How is it your fault she hasn’t got her own daughter’s birthday locked in?
I can remember birthdays from distant friends and old colleagues. NTJ – remind her that parenting is a 50/50 job you did your half. She’s just angry she dropped the ball and is looking for someone to blame due to guilt. For your daughter’s sake, it would help to maybe let her know Mum is stressed with working like most of us now and an adjustment to her lifestyle has affected her ability to be present sometimes.” Werm_Vessel
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m raising a grandchild whose mother has been indifferent to him his whole life. I spent a long time protecting him, and reminding her, of events and deadlines and what was going on in his life, including buying presents to be to her from him.
He was about your daughter’s age when he asked me to stop all of that – he knew full well that his mom wasn’t all that interested in him, and me trying to remind her of everything left him not knowing what she did care about and what she didn’t.
So I did what you did – and I stopped. If this is typical of your ex-wife, keep a good track of your kids’ feelings. It’s not unusual for kids to blame themselves when a parent is neglectful like this – they think if they were a better kid, mom would love them the way she is supposed to.
It might not happen with your kids at all – but you need to be aware of the possibility so you can help address that if it comes up. This one is entirely on your ex-wife.” Own_Lack_4526
Another User Comments:
“For years two of my sisters would forget my brother-in-law’s birthday.
I would call or text them in time so they could send him a birthday card. My other sister never knew I did that for her husband. Eventually, they got their act together and took the initiative to acknowledge his birthday. I did that for my brother-in-law so he would not feel bad.
Today I sent my two sisters a text reminding them that today is his birthday. My brother-in-law died this past November. The reminder was to help our sister cope with a challenging day. You should have taken the high road for the sake of your daughter.
Not to use this as an opportunity to make your ex look bad.” CatfromLongIsland
1. AITJ For Not Paying My Niece To Babysit While I Took My Cat To The Vet?
“I’m a single dad to an 11-year-old son who’s autistic. The way his autism presents is mainly through his personality. He’s very smart, quiet, and prefers to get lost in the land of fire alarms and elevators.
He’s genuinely a really good kid – I have quite a few friends who don’t like being around kids but still adore him. I also have a 19-year-old niece who’s staying with me for a few days to go to a concert.
A couple of days ago, my cat got sick with symptoms I had never seen before. Given that vets here are always booked a few weeks out, I had to take him to the emergency vet. I told my niece to just stick around and watch my son while I run the cat down there.
She said she’s child-free so she doesn’t babysit. I told her it’d just be for a few hours, and that she knows my son well enough that he’d at the most just ask for something to be warmed up for him.
She went, “Pay me and it’s a deal.” I told her we could hash something out later because I had to get going. She said, “Then you go, but we will talk later.”
I got back from the vet with a diagnosis of my cat being allergic to my niece’s perfumes, which she wears because it helps her feel closer to her bias (favorite singer).
My niece was upset because she couldn’t wear her perfume anymore, so she demanded $100. I told her no because 1) I wasn’t making her throw it away, and 2) she’s staying here for free and I’m already paying for her food and transit.
It was also only 3 hours which she would’ve spent on her phone anyway, while she admitted he just stayed in his room the whole time. She accused me of guilt-tripping her, and she got my brother to buy her a hotel room because apparently I gaslit and manipulated her.
My brother, of course, went off on me about how I “ruined” her trip and demanded I compensate him for the hotel because he had to put everything on his credit card.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m childfree myself but I’d still willingly hang out with my cousins/nieces/nephews in an emergency without trying to guilt their parents into paying me, especially if I was already staying at their place, using their utilities, eating their food… Of course, I’m also a grown adult, not someone still in their teen years and barely legal, so that might have something to do with it too.” WolfSilverOak
Another User Comments:
“I’m sorry… I’m having trouble understanding this. Your niece poisoned your cat with her perfume (granted, unintentionally) causing you to have to rush it to the vet and incur an unexpected and expensive vet bill, all while you are saving her the cost of a hotel room, food, and taxi fare so that she can party at a concert.
She is unable to be alone in your house for a few hours with your son (I won’t use the term babysitting because she didn’t DO anything with/for him) because…checks notes… she’s child-free and while she stays anyway, after you return and tell her the whole situation is because of her she doesn’t apologize but demands $100.
Did I miss something? Yeah I did, I missed where you were a jerk. You’re nicer than me. I’d have calculated the average hotel/meal/uber fare in your location for the time she was there, subtracted $100, and given her the bill for the rest. NTJ.” Exciting-Froyo3825
Another User Comments:
“An allergy to your niece’s perfume? Really? One visit to the vet and they came up with this? My dog had allergies. It took a $500 test to determine her triggers. Even if the allergy response coincided with your niece’s arrival I still find this suspect.
Why not a reaction to her shampoo, makeup, hand lotion, clothing? And you are lording payments over your relatives’ heads. I bought you this niece, so you owe me free babysitting. Would it have been nice of her to do it without compensation, yes. But she didn’t want to and your answer of “we could hash something out later” implies a payment to her.
You didn’t hash out anything. You just said no money for watching your son. BTW. I have hired sitters who came to my home when my child was already asleep. They had no interaction at all and the sitter still gets paid the same per hour as if my daughter was wide awake.” zoegi104
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