People Try To Save Themselves From Being Labeled "Jerks" In These Stories
19. AITJ For Kicking A Bridesmaid Out Of My Wedding?
“My husband has a friend (33, M).
They met at an old job and the friend ‘Mike’ even had my husband as his best man when he got married to ‘Abby’ (30, F). After Mike and Abby had a baby, things went downhill and they got divorced. Things are still tense between Mike and Abby but my husband has remained neutral and tried to be there for the baby at the very least.
Abby and I hit it off pretty quickly when we met. The daughter became a niece to me as well. Abby even housesat for us on occasion.
Knowing the history and relationship between my husband and Mike, she knew Mike would be invited to our wedding. She wasn’t fond of it but she seemed to respect our decision.
After we got engaged, I asked her to be a bridesmaid and the daughter to be our flower girl. Both were very excited about it. Knowing that weddings were still a sensitive subject with Abby, I let her know that if she felt like she had to back out, I understood and we would still be friends.
A few months later though, Abby started getting more upset that he would be invited to the wedding. Knowing that Mike probably wouldn’t be able to make it due to his work schedule, we assured her that he wouldn’t be coming but he was still due an invite.
One day, we mentioned the daughter being our flower girl to Mike and he was surprised. We had assumed that he already knew.
I texted Abby right away to let her know that he now knew but I thought it was weird that it hadn’t been brought up yet. She responded with ‘Is he invited to the wedding?’. She knew he was. That had never changed. I answered ‘Yes, you knew that already though.’ She didn’t respond that night.
The next morning we received a group text from her to my husband and me telling us that she wouldn’t be attending our wedding because he was invited. Also, that she couldn’t believe we would do this to her and that she could no longer be friends with us because ‘true friends would not put her in such a horrible situation.’
I told her that I respected her decision not to come to the wedding but tried to encourage her that we could still be friends. At first, I thought she was just projecting her hurt from the divorce and that she would come around. The next day she privately texted my husband that I had told her that I didn’t love him anymore, apologized to him for having to back out, for not being able to be there for him, and that he deserved so much better than me.
He told her that she needed to apologize to me.
At that point, I had had enough. I told her she had crossed too many lines and to send back our house key because she was no longer welcome in our house or around us. She did send the key back, addressed only to my husband and our past Christmas cards, everything in the bridesmaid proposal box, and a paper revealing a surprise for my upcoming bridal shower.
All I was doing was honoring my husband’s request that HIS friend is invited to the wedding. AITJ for kicking her out?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
She was definitely trying to ruin your marriage. Messaging your husband and lying about you behind your back, saying that you didn’t love him anymore and that she wanted to comfort him?!!
Like who says that to someone who’s about to get married?!
It sounds like she was also attempting to have an affair too, just to get back at all of you. Your husband, for inviting her ex, AKA his friend, and you for not disagreeing with it. So she wanted everyone to be upset and bitter like her.
If she can’t be in a relationship, no one can.” Careful-Listen2277
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. OP, I’m in dangerous territory here but now you know why she is divorced. She has shown her true colors and you must believe her. She told your husband that you don’t love him, she is twisted and the embodiment of evil.
She is also jealous of you, misery loves company and she wants to be as miserable and bitter as she is. She was clearly never your friend, I say it plenty in this sub, but it’s true. You kept her well-informed and were very considerate of her disposition. She is way out of line, what she did do to send a message to your husband behind your back, what if he believed her?
She is also playing the victim poor her, never ever let her back into your life or house. She is very destructive and she has a bigger problem than her ex being at the wedding, it’s deeper than that. This is a hill to die on and you are 100% NTJ.” Old-Cry-
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and you did the right thing by cutting her off.
You were clear he was always invited, and sure, she could realize later that she couldn’t handle it, or even have some selective hearing about it, but what she can’t do is try to break up your relationship. I’m glad your husband was able to handle this immediately and not let it be an issue, and she is definitely toxic and needs to be out of your life entirely.” mfruitfly
18. WIBTJ If I Go Ahead And Start Looking For Places To Move Into?
“My partner and I have been together for 6 years now and for the most part of our relationship have lived apart respectively in our family’s homes in a somewhat LDR. Just before 2020, I had moved into my first apartment and began discussions about potentially living together, when the crisis hit we had to put a pause on that conversation and have only recently been coming back to this topic.
He is interested in moving in together but his main pushback against doing so is taking care of his father. His dad (57) had been afflicted with a severe neurological disorder over a decade ago and requires supervision and a caregiver on a daily basis. While they have Personal Support Workers to help out now, they’ve had awful experiences so a lot of the care has been handled by my partner and his siblings (30M and 27F) alongside their mother.
The subject of moving in has been coming up a lot recently as we only saw each other a handful of times in person over the last 2 years. Alongside that, my partner has been tense with his family lately as his mother has been taking out her frustrations on him as he’s the only child living at home with them.
There’s more nuance to the relationship between them that I don’t feel comfortable sharing very personal details online, but his current stance is: he loves his mom and will always be her kid but he cannot stand to live with her longer than he needs to.
We talked to his mom about this recently, where we expressed that we’re serious about a committed relationship in the long run, which includes us living together.
I wasn’t asking her for her blessing for marriage but I know down the line I would like to, and learning how to live together compatibly is crucial to making that decision. She’s supportive of our relationship but is uncomfortable with him leaving while he’s in school and that she still needs a lot of help taking care of his father.
She then said that the best options are either me and my partner and continuing to live separately or me moving into her house to live with them.
I’m working full-time at a job that requires me to show up in person. I don’t mind working while my partner is in school as my own parents help me with rent payments and that the original move-in plan included my partner working part-time to help out.
If I moved into her house, I would need to find a new stay-at-home job given I’d need to move cities, and I feel I’d end up getting dragged into running interference in arguments between her and my partner.
I know that there will be more conversations as the next immediate follow-up on this position between us three.
It’s just more relevant now as I am debating whether or not to renew my lease in the next couple of months, as my roommate will also be moving out then and I would need to downsize to one bed or studio if I don’t find a new one and want to look with him.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Don’t move in with him into his home. Get a one-bedroom apartment by yourself then, if he makes the decision to stay there or move in with you, there’s no financial pressure on you. Don’t put your life on hold, or change jobs to suit his family’s dynamic. He needs to stand up for himself and get out, and this gives him that opportunity without pressure or ultimatums. Totally agree, you need to live together first before you even think about wedding bells.
You don’t know how much you’ll enjoy living with him after all. If you break up having changed jobs and moved into his, it’s going to be very difficult.” blueskiesallaround33
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You said his whole family takes care of his dad including his siblings, but he is the only child still at home.
If his other siblings can move out and still help, so can your partner. He’s fully grown at this point and should be able to have his own life separate from his parents. I can’t imagine constantly having both your parents around including a sick one is conducive for school. I understand his mom’s perspective since finances are probably tight for them and she trusts her son.
BUT kids aren’t free caregivers. It’s most likely best that he has his own space to escape to when home life becomes too stressful. He can still be nearby to help when he can I presume.” Former_Afternoon9662
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You want to grow your relationship with your long-term partner and that’s a great thing but you’re looking at this very black and white.
There isn’t a simple solution that gets you what you want and everyone is happy. Unfortunately, this is your partner’s problem that only he can resolve. He must decide what he wants to do, not you and definitely not his mum.
You could give him an ultimatum but it doesn’t seem like you are that type of person and that never works out for anyone anyway.
His mum wants him to stay there while he’s in school. How does he feel about that? How much longer does he have in school?
I suggest you and your partner sit down and make a 2 and 5-year plan. Where do you want to be at the points? Then sit down with his mum and explain the plan, giving her time to adjust.
Good luck to you.” suggeationsplease
17. AITJ For Not Forcing My Kids To Send "Thank You" Notes?
“December was a horrible month for my family. One of my teens got sick and was hospitalized for 2.5 weeks. Two of my other teens were still on their rebound from having the flu & strep, I still had to work while trying to spend as much time as possible in the hospital with the other one.
Then teen #4 got sick just as #1 was getting out of the hospital.
I barely got any Christmas shopping done, didn’t even get a tree until everyone was home. My head just wasn’t in it this year. I spent all day 12/23 running around from store to store trying to get last-minute Christmas done, all while sobbing about what a horrible mom I was.
That night I tested positive for an illness that can’t be named. I didn’t feel sick, just lost my taste. Now I’m having to isolate myself away from my family. Kid #3 is beyond angry at me for this. No Christmas Eve with family and Christmas Day I had to spend locked away in my room.
Now my sister is complaining that I’m a jerk for not making my kids send thank you’s for their gifts and that I never got her a gift. When my kids went to her house Christmas Eve to pick things up, my sister and her husband threw them out of her house even though they had masks on.
So, am I a jerk for not forcing them to send a thank you and not getting her a gift?”
Another User Comments:
“Your sister is an unempathetic jerk, maybe your kids should not be around her and her husband at all. Christmas is the season to spend time with your family and for love to overflow and whatnot right?
Who cares about thank you cards, especially when she knows that your entire family has been having a tough time? NTJ.” UnusualRedFlower979
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for sending your exposed children to your sister’s house. They should have stayed home and you put your sister’s family at risk. Of course, they were asked to go outside, that’s just the bare minimum of expected courtesy.
You are the jerk as well for trying to make them look bad in the post by using the language “throwing out” and obscuring the reason why the kids were asked to stay outside.” User
Another User Comments:
“You’re sick right now, overwhelmed, and trying to make Christmas the best for your children. Your family has been extensively sick, and a lot of emotions are involved. I’m sure bills must have been hard with hospitalization and the holidays.
Give yourself a break before you are physically and emotionally burnout. You can’t worry about cards when you need to focus on yourself first. Your sister is the jerk for not recognizing that.
Do something nice for yourself.” Ok_Candy7704
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Look, you aren’t the jerk because of the thank-you notes.
That’s fine.
The sister should let that go given your recent events.
But you absolutely shouldn’t have sent recently ill kids into someone’s home, masks or not, and get mad when they say ‘no’.” superfastmomma
16. AITJ For Falling Asleep Early On New Year's Eve?
“I (m25) have been with my (f24) partner for 3 years.
We both live together and live pretty exciting lifestyles. Lots of partying but we know how to keep it in check.
I recently started a new job and got a sizable pay bump. The job has extremely sporadic hours. Sometimes I will get off 2 hours early and other times I end up working a 12-hour shift. I and my partner were fine with this since there was stability with this job and the pay was just too good to pass up.
Well, the night before New Year’s Eve there was an emergency and I was scheduled to be the on-call guy to go in to help. I ended up working from 4 am to 11 am. I was tired the rest of the day and tried sleeping but couldn’t get much because I was still stressed from work.
I and my partner went to my friend’s house for a small New Year’s Eve gathering. I asked my partner if we could leave early since I’m tired. She asked me if I could just tough it out this once since it was New Year. That annoyed me especially since I was cranky so I ended up falling asleep in my friend’s guest bedroom.
My partner woke me up annoyed that I missed the countdown. She said that she was all alone for the countdown and she felt super lonely for most of the night. My partner then told me that I was behaving like a jerk for sleeping at a party and leaving her alone. I told her she has no right to tell me to stay awake considering I’m the one who had to wake up in the middle of the night to work a 7-hour shift. She was mad and I ended up getting the silent treatment when we got back home.
We talked about it and I explained how stressful my night was and she was a bit more understanding but still believes that I shouldn’t have gone to sleep at the party. I still disagree with her and we just agreed to disagree. We’re both over it but I still think I’m right.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. New year’s eve is just another night frankly. Especially if you’re social and party a lot other times, it’s not like this was the main event in your social life. You were not being unreasonable by being exhausted from your work schedule and wanting to sleep. You are in a partnership but you don’t have to always have the same energy/mood/wants.
On the flip side, I wouldn’t even suggest that your partner should have gone home with you either. I think you could have gone home and she could have stayed at the party and had fun and you both win as individuals. Of course, varying circumstances might have not made leaving at different times possible.” absolute_hounds
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Simply because you still went to the party instead of just staying home. By going to the party and then sleeping there was rude and probably did hurt her feelings. Just because you were tired and cranky from your unexpected shift doesn’t mean she can’t get upset too since her expectations for the night didn’t go as planned either.” Accomplished-Shop514
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If the host was your best friend and he understood your circumstances and was ok with it, I don’t see any offense in sleeping at the party. I understand your partner’s irritation but she should have sucked it up. It’s not like you were CHOOSING to be exhausted.” throwawayneanderthal
I work from 3:30am-noon. I take naps and go to bed early. I've forced myself to stay up for things, and sometimes yay fun and sometimes I'm spending the whole time wishing I was wearing stretchy pants and being horizontal. Powering through is for teenagers and emergencies. Not recreation.
Best would have been to just lay it out straight up. I don't have it in me to go to a party. I've been awake since stupid thirty and I need to call it a day. Go ahead and go to the party and have fun for both of us, but staying awake just isn't in the cards.
15. AITJ For Needing Help From My Partner?
“Me (24M) and my partner (22F) have been in a relationship for about a year and 8 months roughly. Recently when we got back from vacation my car stopped when I tried starting it. Like it flickered and turned off. We assumed electrical. But I don’t have any sort of savings, and we spent a lot on this vacation.
So the only way I could get a look at it was to not only jump the car but figure out what the problem is but pay hundreds of thousands of dollars for an electric issue on a trashy car. Thus far we got down to her car only. So our different schedules make it interesting overall to get to our respective jobs.
I continue to help with other menial things like chores or monetarily help buy groceries. I do my best. But as soon I say a grievance relating to my job I have only been stonewalled with ‘maybe you should quit your job’ from serious to almost mocking like nature. This job is not fancy or high in salary, it is literally only a server job.
It doesn’t pay a lot but enough to get us by. She also makes comments about how she is a ‘Resident Taxi’ to me in a very hostile, under-the-breath way. A lot of hostility has come from the scheduling and my job. Mainly my lack of access to get there in my own vehicle.
I understand if I was to demand every ride every day, to a nonessential place to do nothing more than waste her gas.
But I don’t ask for anything than to help me get to work. I pay my portion of the gas that she uses to get me there. I have been patient a lot of times towards her hostility, but I’m doing my best to try to find another job, and find a vehicle.
I don’t think implicitly asking for help is wrong when you are supposed to operate as a team.
But maybe I’m the jerk for needing help
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for needing help, but YTJ for taking it for granted that she’s, as you say she put it, a taxi. Is public transportation an option? Bicycling? Carpooling? Bumming rides from friends? Literally, anything else to find a closer job and reliable transport that doesn’t mean her having to take away from her time off to drive you where you’ve obligated yourself to be?
I’d be annoyed if I were given a part-time job I didn’t volunteer for and didn’t get compensated for. Once or twice or even a week or two isn’t unreasonable. I’d have no problem offering/agreeing to that, but being your personal chauffeur is not in her job description as your partner. Menial destinations or not.
Furthermore, if you’re trying to divvy chores into how you’re compensating her, are you asking her what she could use a hand with or just doing whatever and hoping she notices/appreciates it?
You don’t need our opinion or advice. You need to talk to your girl. You know she’s frustrated by the situation. And she’s obviously trying to be patient by continuing to help, but the comments/hints she’s dropping suggest she’s running out of it.
Maybe she even has an idea for a better compromise or solution that you’ve not properly considered. COMMUNICATE. Ask what you can do to make things easier for both of you.
One problem I don’t think you’re grasping is that when you leave work, you get to turn your brain off immediately and not be in work mode/errand mode until your next shift. However, she has to tolerate the added stress of remaining alert for your commute and hers (at best, you live in a small town with little to no traffic?
Probably not, though…) and can’t relax when she should be, when she needs to, on HER time OFF, because she’s having to worry about being on the clock for your job, too.
Keep taking her for granted, and she’ll be needing a vacation from you next. Talk to her. Bonus advise if you wanna******** in addition to peacocking your emotional maturity: Apologize for making things harder on her lately, then thank her for being so understanding of the difficulty of your situation and so charitable with her free time by helping you as much as she has.
(Note: Body language is important here, or she’ll think you’re patronizing her.)
And as for the TEAM part, If you liked it, then you shoulda put a ring on it (unless you have discussed it and agreed that marriage is just nonsense paperwork and that you don’t need the government to validate your relationship).” starlya
Another User Comments:
“NTJ in my opinion from the info given. It does seem as if she might be feeling some resentment though which makes me feel like there might be some jerk behavior going on somewhere for one of you. Either she is the jerk for not wanting to help, or you are depending on her more than you realize and straining your relationship.” Maedaiz
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
She certainly sounds resentful of you in some capacity, so maybe try to figure out what that is about. How much are you interfering with HER schedule, and you say this is recent, but how recent? How long has this one-car business been going on, what sacrifices have each of you had to make for the sake of carpooling?
If you’ve never had to drive someone around temporarily, you might not understand. It CAN be annoying for some people. I really enjoy my time alone in my car. It’s a time I listen to whatever I want, even if it’s Sister Golden Hair Surprise on repeat the entire drive to work, or eight different recordings of Sia performing Chandelier live.
Or frankly, sometimes it’s THE ONLY time I have been completely alone all day.
In the interest of not breaking up, or tossing my SO out the door as I travel 65 in weaving rush hour traffic, I would have my partner sit down one evening over some spring rolls and hash out a short and long-term game plan.
PS It does kind of sound like your alternator, which has been one of the most affordable repairs a car can require, aside from spark plugs, in my car-owning career.” _aliceinabox
14. AITJ For Taking A Joke Too Far?
“My best friend (21M) and I (18M) have known each other for years and are super close. We hang out almost every weekend and are up for hours at night streaming video games. There is a running joke in our friend group that we are secretly seeing each other with how close we are.
We’ve always embraced the joke because it’s harmless and everyone knows we’re not actually a thing, especially now since he’s going out with my older sister (20F). She often hangs out with us as well and she is also very familiar with the joke as well. We often tease each other about him, I tease her about being in love and how cheesy she is about it while she’ll tease me back for ‘stealing her man’.
It’s a fun joke and none of us have had a problem with it, until recently.
My sister and I both still live with my mom as I’m about to graduate high school and she is trying to save to get an apartment closer to college. Because we live together, my best friend comes over a lot and my mom has heard us joking with each other.
She would give us questioning looks about it but never said anything so we didn’t think anything of it. The other night we were having a game night and my friend was coming over so, of course, I was teasing my sister, saying stupid things like ‘Oh is MY man here yet?’ She laughed it off and we continued bantering until he arrived and again I repeated the ‘my man’ joke.
Apparently, my mom overheard and didn’t understand the joke because she walked into the living room and confronted all three of us. She said overhearing everything made her uncomfortable and she felt it bordered on harassment before turning and asking me if I actually had feelings for my friend. What she said honestly annoyed me so instead of just saying no I sarcastically replied, ‘Yeah and I’m totally trying to break them up so I can have him.’ I figured it would be obvious from my tone that I was joking but apparently not as my mom looked appalled by my response.
Things got tense as I had to properly explain that it was just a joke and I wasn’t actually interested in my friend, though I still don’t think she believes me. The game night was canceled and my friend ended up leaving and now things are awkward when they talk to me. Both of them said they knew it was a joke but I took it too far by joking with my mom and it made everything uncomfortable.
I should have just explained or let them explain since now she definitely had the wrong idea. I don’t think I did anything wrong since we all knew it was a joke and my mom could have come to me quietly instead of making a scene about it. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but need to tone it down.
So my fiance and his best friends are like brothers and inseparable since uni. We always joke about how I am third-wheeling when the three of us hang out. Now that his best friend got married and even his wife is in on the joke and we all laugh about it all. But we would never ever joke about it in front of parents coz they just won’t get it.
Or random friends coz it Will make anyone uncomfortable to witness such a bizarre dynamic even as a joke.
Trust me, just apologize to your mom and give her a hug while assuring her that it’s a joke. And give her hands a kiss to remind her of your love and she will melt.
(ALTHOUGH YOU’RE NTJ) but it did go a bit far in terms of retaliation from your side. See our parents act tough on the outside but on the inside, they’re constantly scared of losing their kids (even if they’re adults) to the bizarreness of this world.” Frosty_Square9812
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You have an inside joke which, by definition, can be confusing to those not in the joke.
Your mom asked for clarification and you deliberately made her and everyone else uncomfortable about it. You said your mom could have come to you quietly but you could have also just told her that no, you weren’t being serious, it’s a joke your friend group likes because sis’s partner and you are close.” User
Another User Comments:
“‘She said overhearing everything made her uncomfortable and she felt it bordered on harassment before turning and asking me if I actually had feelings for my friend. What she said honestly annoyed me so instead of just saying no I sarcastically replied, ‘Yeah and I’m totally trying to break them up so I can have him.’ I figured it would be obvious from my tone that I was joking but apparently not as my mom looked appalled by my response.’
Sorry, but this made you a slight jerk. Your mother asked a reasonable question, she did not know your insider joke, and there was neither a reason to be annoyed nor to use sarcasm at all. Don’t forget Poe’s law, there will be always a person who doesn’t get sarcasm and takes it for real. This whole situation could be easily avoided by just telling ‘Mom, it is just a joke’.
So in the end, slight YTJ.” BertTheNerd
13. AITJ For Ruining New Year's Day?
“I bought a 4-bedroom house last year, so my family and I can have a house. It’s supposed to be my parents, my little sister (21 YO), and me. I told them my rules are for my house to be clean, no smoking (my dad is the only one that smokes), & pretty much respect the house.
I became so strict because when I used to live with my dad and 2 sisters, they didn’t clean much and I was left to clean most of the time. Since I’m a travel nurse, I only stay in this house for 2-3 months more or less. Before I moved in, my sister is the only one that was living with me.
While I was away, my parents moved in. A month later, my older sister & my nephew moved into my house also, which wasn’t part of the plan. I didn’t mind since I felt bad for them at the time. Now that I’m back for a break, I feel so unhappy that they’re here!
Here’s the reason:
Most of them do not clean, except for my mom. She pretty much cleans everything when I’m not around. All their rooms (except for my mom’s) are messy! My dad smokes in his room as well.
My little sister doesn’t clean the cat litter, so my mom and I have to do it.
Her excuse is work, but we all work!
My mom sleeps in the closet that is connected to my room, so I don’t even get my privacy. My dad and my mom don’t sleep together by the way. My mom usually sleeps in my room, which is the master, but she doesn’t have any room right now.
I told her I can talk to my older sister about it, but my mom claims that she doesn’t mind and likes sleeping there because it’s so dark and she works the night shift, so that’s very important to her. I don’t believe that though, which annoys me since she’s the one that cleans the most!
It’s also inconvenient for me because my clothes are in that closet and I have to be quiet since she sleeps during the day. I also want my privacy as well, but I don’t even have that since my mom can easily go into my room.
So on New Year’s Day, my family was cooking and getting ready to celebrate this holiday, but unfortunately, I was having an anxiety attack, so I just stayed in my room and wasn’t talking to anyone at all.
I wanted the time to myself, however, people just kept opening the door, especially my mom since we’re sort of sharing a room. At the same time, both my sisters were coming in to get some clothes from the closet/mom’s room since they also put their clothes there since they had so much.
I was just so furious and yelled I WANT MY privacy and also said, one of you (siblings not mom) needs to move out after my next assignment. Now, it’s a weird dynamic in my house. I’m still furious that I bought a house where I don’t even get my privacy. I could’ve dealt with this after New Year’s, but I think I just reached my limit.
I’m about to leave in a couple of days for work and will be gone for 4 months. Sadly, I feel unhappy coming back to my own house. I pay the mortgages, HOAs, & their phone bills.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ… you’re overwhelmed, and honestly, you’re being taken advantage of. How much are all of them contributing to the mortgage, HOA, and utilities?
Honestly, you should kick most of them out, in my opinion, but that’s for you to decide. But it is YOUR house, YOU set the rules, and it sounds like none of them are really respecting your home or your rules for your home.
Threaten them with eviction if they don’t straighten up, and then evict them if they fail to.
The smoking in the bedroom would be the worst one for me, that smell will NOT come out without ripping up all the carpets, coating and repainting the walls, and replacing every piece of furniture.’ TheDreadPirateJeff
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You pay for everything and it is your house. You are entitled to your space and privacy.
What you should do is during this work assignment look for a rental agreement. Make it up with your rules and have everyone sign it. Are they contributing anything towards the bills? Make sure that is in the agreement too.
Since no one asked if your other sister was allowed to move in – you have to decide if she should stay.
Do they have jobs where they make enough income live on their own?
As for your mom, tell one of your sisters that they have to either get twin beds and share with your mom or they need to give up their room. Your room is for you and your stuff. If they can’t fit all their clothes in the closets they either have to be creative or get rid of stuff.” rlynbook
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This adds up to a weird living situation, but it’s pretty simple. You bought it, it’s your house, so you get to decide who lives there and you get to set the rules. It’s not as if your rules are unrealistic
How do people come moving in without your consent?! Who thought they had the right to let your sister and nephew in?
I’d say they have firmly proven not to respect your rules, so feel free to kick them out.
If you want to be EXTREMELY KIND, sent them a list of your rules, and explain that anyone who isn’t complying when you come back, needs to move out. (That gives them the whole four months, which is more than generous)
Don’t forget to include that your father should paint the ceiling, and clean every trace of smoking out of fabrics like couches/curtains. (Smoking stains the paint, and the smell lingers in fabrics.)” alyom
12. AITJ For Expecting My Kid To Make His Own Breakfast?
“When I was 19, I had a fling and the result of that was my son, M. His mother and I did try a relationship but that didn’t work so M lives between both our homes these days.
He’s 9 and turning 10 next month.
I tend to have him on school holidays as his mother moved them pretty far away when he was 5. He’s a kid so it’s not like I expect lots from him around the house but my wife and I do try to encourage him to be less helpless but it’s like every time he goes back to his Mother he regresses.
Since he was 8, we’ve expected him to make his own bed and clear his plate from the table. Nothing major but it never stuck. Since last year, we taught him how to prepare his own breakfast of either cereal or toast so my wife and I can get an extra 30 minutes in bed on weekends.
We leave everything out for him the night before and I’m a chef so I have always stressed kitchen safety to him. However, like everything else, it never stuck. When asked what he does at home for mummy, he claims he isn’t old enough to help her.
I asked her about this last pick up and she blew up on me, saying I’m lazy not feeding him and how it’s really unsafe, how she has to stop him from doing it at home.
She thinks children shouldn’t do chores at all and implied if I made him do more (which I will as he ages) it would basically be child mistreatment.
My son seems comfortable, safe, and happy doing the chores we set him but my ex seemed to think we are traumatizing him. She is the main caregiver and we don’t have an official custody arrangement (common in my country) so I don’t wanna rock the boat or be damaging my son.
AITJ here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. A butter knife is safe enough to use at 9 even without supervision, and if that is what worries your ex, then you can get one of those plastic knives you give to children when they are 4. I struggle to think of a way any normally developed 9-year-old kid would be able to hurt themselves while pouring cereal.
Your son is old enough to know how to do a simple thing like prepare his breakfast and entertain himself for some time in the morning while you still sleep, he has an age where being supervised 24/7 is not good for his development.
You aren’t damaging your son by doing this, but he is old enough to sit down and have a talk about how you see him as capable, and really want him to learn to be able to do things by himself.
The more he shows you he can be independent, the sooner you will consider him responsible enough to do the plans he wants and he’ll be able to hang out with his friends without an adult present.
But try to get some kind of custody arrangement if you can, it might be the most beneficial thing as that way your ex won’t be able to just take him away from you.” Slow-Bumblebee-8609
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. And you could also offer him a different paid chore every day that he is there. That way he learns life skills and will want to do it, cuz hello, money! I say a different one because he is obviously not doing anything at his mom’s. So one day he can vacuum the living room, the next he can do dishes (even with a dishwasher, it’s something good to learn), mop the kitchen another day, clean the bathroom another day (you can break this up, one day the sink and floor, another day the tub, another the toilet) Ten years old is old enough to be able to do all inside chores.
He is capable. You should also help him learn outdoor chores, garbage, trimming shrubs, washing car, car maintenance, etc.” Double-dutcher
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Kids need responsibility. My kids have been unloading the dishwasher since they were about 6 years old. They also handle bringing out the garbage and recycling each week (just to the outdoor bin—not wheeling the bin to the curb), and they do other tasks as requested. I pay them to work.
They can also feed themselves.
How will you raise humans who know how to be on their own if you don’t teach them how to do things? That’s literally your job.
I’m divorced, too. I never tell my kids to lie or keep secrets. However, I DO tell them that there are different rules for each set of houses, and unless it’s dangerous, we don’t get to change rules at the other house.
They understand that and don’t usually tell either of us about the rules at the other house. We’d never know. Explain that to him, and hopefully, he won’t tell his mom.
As for breakfast, if he doesn’t mind, let him keep doing it. Maybe throw in the occasional leftover muffins you made or something.” Complex_Ad8174
11. AITJ For Telling My Husband Not To Smoke Around Me?
“I am a 26-year-old female. My husband 28-year-old male. So a while ago I found out I am pregnant. I had five miscarriages before. The last one was an ectopic pregnancy which I almost did not survive. So far this pregnancy is the longest one which makes me very hopeful. Currently at 3 months yesterday. I asked my husband if he could stop smoking around me for the health of the baby when I found out I was pregnant.
I already hated the smell of smoke, to begin with. It was just something I dealt with. However, every time I am pregnant, I always ask him to stop smoking around me just because of all the dangers I have read about secondhand smoke to the unborn baby. It doesn’t help that the smell triggers me to throw up every time.
And now I am losing weight due to not being able to hold down food for myself and the baby because of his nasty habit (it is the only thing that causes me to throw up.) He gets upset every time when I ask him this. He said it is one of the few things that help him destress besides video games and other things.
He also said why can I control if I throw up or not. In his opinion, it is just a matter of mind over matter. I tried asking him nicely and even explain why and explain that I am not asking him to quit (even though I would love it if he did). I am just asking him if he would stop doing it inside the house or when I am in the vehicle with him or just around me.
So I am the jerk for asking him to just not do it around me?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ!
First of all, congratulations on your pregnancy. I really hope all goes well for you and the baby.
Second, I’m sorry but your husband is such a jerk. It’s been proven that smoke is harmful to children and pregnant women.
It’s not something that you made up, there are studies to support that. After so many failed pregnancies, I don’t understand how your husband isn’t willing to take care of you and your baby and make sure in every possible way that he’s doing things right to help you both.
He said that smoking and playing video games are the only things that help him with the stress.
Well, why can’t he play video games around you instead? Why can’t he just step outside for 10min if he really needs that smoke? It isn’t unreasonable for you to ask. You’re not asking him to cut off one of his limbs!
And no, you can definitely not control what makes you throw up. That is such a jerk question.
If you could, you wouldn’t throw up at all. Nobody likes it. It’s insane he’s even asking you that. I’m pregnant too right now and I was so sick during the first three months that I find it totally outrageous him telling you that. We can’t control it and it’s already hard enough without our SO being a jerk… So I really hope it gets better with your husband and the pregnancy.” bostaf_
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. as a person with a dad who smokes, I’ve asked him multiple times to not do it around me, I’ve explained to him the scientific reasons and whsecondhandnd smoking is still bad. I’ve even used my allergies as a reason. if he can’t respect your boundaries about not wanting to smoke around you, when it’s healthier for the child to not smoke, then you aren’t the jerk.
He’s the jerk. how are video games stressful? He’s making you not be able to eat, I hate to say it, but either he learns his wrong or he leaves until you’ve had the baby, and he can’t smoke around the child. he needs to put others first. I’m so sorry this is happening to you.” graysonthegrate
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – It’s 2022, how is smoking indoors and around kids an acceptable thing when you have other people inside the home, especially a pregnant person? If he won’t stop smoking with you pregnant, he won’t do it when the baby is born. Secondhand smoke is terrible for you and for a developing child.
It leads to plenty of issues such as childhood asthma. Add on the stigma of being the kid who smells like smoke in school. He can destress outside. I hate to say it but he doesn’t have his priorities in order. I’m a dad of a 6-month-old, and she comes first. I used to play video games twice a week and since she was born I’ve played maybe 20 hours worth.” LeKy411
10. AITJ For Not Wearing A Bra?
“I 38 (f) suffer from chronic pain due to a military injury. Basically, my shoulder has severe arthritis (bone on bone) and I need a shoulder replacement but due to my age and the inability for me to rehab (I’ve also torn up the bicep and stuffed all the tendons) I cannot get the replacement.
In order to deal with the pain I have had a pain stimulation device put into my spine which disrupts the pain messages from getting to the brain. Between this, pain therapy, medications physio, and nerve blocks I can function, but only just. So now it’s just me and my companion pup and every day I take him for a walk locally.
We live a block from the beach, which is relatively popular but not over the top unless it’s a hot day on the weekend.
Up until now, I have struggled into a front clasping bra for the walk and then remove it when I get home again. It’s not comfortable on me in any way, the pressure of the strap on the shoulder plus the getting in and out of it’s a royal pain.
But I’ve done it.
Recently, I got sick and because my immune was down the pain flared, and all medical is on leave so it’s just me at the moment. I decided the pain outweighed the hassle of wearing a bra. Now I’m the first to admit I generally do need one, but to be honest I’m past the point of caring.
Getting out for the walk is hard enough but I force myself both for my pup and for me.
So I tend to stick local to my house, around the block at sometimes we go down to the beach. My dog is extremely well-trained to not be on a lead (as this is another disaster) which is not allowed where I live so we don’t go too far.
So the last week I have been you know what I just can’t do it, but I’m getting flack from strangers and neighbors when I pass them. A few behind my back but still close enough I can hear them, and a few direct to my face with comments such as ‘have you considered wearing a bra’ or ‘the girls hanging free today’ or ‘you really should consider what you wear in public’.
To say emotionally I’m not my strongest right now is an understatement and I hate conflict at the best of times. All I want is to go out for half an hour a day to walk my dog. That’s it, the rest of the time I’m home. So AITJ for not wearing a bra while I walk my dog?
One thing I forgot to note is that he is a VERY slow walker so it’s not like I’m running along Baywatch style.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but you have jerk neighbors! But I personally would give a snarky comeback at those nonsense comments. Tell them to shut up and mind their own business. Nowhere in the law does it say you have to be anything but covering your private parts.
You can go braless, you can strut around in a bandeau (a strip of cloth) and short shorts if you wanted to, and no one has a right to say anything about it unless you’re actually exposed in public.
If I were in your position I would’ve told them: ‘That is a lot of talk for someone who looks like that, at least I have a good reason, what’s your excuse?
Too little fashion sense to wander any further than the mannequin and H&M? Or are you just trying to feel better about your sorry a*s by trying to bully someone who clearly has an injury and is sick?’ I’d mutter this out not even looking at them, just continuing the walk. If they give any reaction just mutter a ‘get off my lawn.’ something non-sensical. Someone would need balls to say anything after that encounter.
I’d also be upping the outfit and daring them to try again. Crush their hopes and dreams one day at a time. But I’m chaotic like that.” Dutch-CatLady
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! Wear what makes you comfortable! The only thing that I would say is if you are heavy-chested, maybe look into a halter bra, only because of back pain.
I wear a bra about once a month. Screw people.
On a side note, my BIL has shoulder issues from being in the military, both shoulders for him. He’s been told that they won’t replace his shoulders until he is at least 60, but they have done other surgeries to ease his pain. As in he gets surgery every 4 years on one or the other.
Maybe you should look into a second opinion.” glyph1331
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I think more and more women are choosing to ditch the bra. Simply put we got used to being comfy during the global and don’t want to go back to the dark days of the b**b holster.
You do you. If YOU want to put on a bra for YOU do so.
And what is wrong with people? I’ve got a dog. Multiple walks a day. Lots of dogs in the neighborhood and it’s a pretty neighborhood so lots of folks just walk through. I have no clue what any of them are wearing much less if they have on a bra. I’m looking at their dog and their face as we greet each other.
I am not checking out the rest of their body.” Advanced-Extent-420
9. AITJ For Wanting My Husband To Spend Less Time At Work?
“I (20f) and my fiancé (23m) are expecting our first child later this month. He has a government job and makes enough that I do not have to work unless I want to. I am currently on maternity leave, and not sure if I’m going back or not. I’m a preschool teacher, and kinda wanna take a few years off to spend time with the baby.
(Anyways not the issue just some background)
My fiancé is only supposed to work 8-hour shifts 4 to 5 days a week however I knew going into this that he is required to work a lot of overtime in the first few years since he is currently in an apprentice role and will be for the next year.
He works about 16 hours 5-6 days a week and when he finally gets home he just sleeps, and on his one day off he sleeps all day.
He wants to give me everything I never got growing up. Don’t get me wrong I love that he wants to give me the world, it’s just that he’s never home, and with our son coming into the world very soon, I’ll be all alone to take care of the little man.
I’m really scared and I’ve been feeling so alone lately. Neither of us has any family near us as we have moved to follow his career. I knew what I signed up for so I feel like I have no place feeling this way, but I can’t help what I feel. I wish he could be at home more so he can spend time with the baby and me.
Anytime I bring up maybe calling out or asking for a week or two off after the baby’s born he shuts me down saying he has no right to ask for this time off especially since he’s already going to have to ask for time off for our wedding in June. I understand he doesn’t wanna ask for more time off than he needs to, but I mean this is just as important as getting married and he barely wants to take time off for our wedding.
It’s making me feel like he doesn’t care about our wedding or about the birth of our son. I know in my heart he’s excited about our son and our wedding, but sometimes it really feels as if he does not care. The bottom line is I’d rather have all the time in the world together rather than have a whole bunch of money and all the fancy stuff he wants to get for us, but he’d rather have the fund.
So AITJ for wanting and asking for more time instead of money?”
Another User Comments:
“I’m going to say nobody is the jerk here. I totally understand your feelings, and they are valid. It’s hard doing it every day by yourself, away from family. But I also see your fiancé’s side as well.
I could be wrong but I think you have to be an employee for a full year before requesting Family and Medical Leave, maybe as the time gets closer he can talk to his supervisors and ask at least for a couple of days off after you deliver. Not sure this is an option but maybe you could talk about flying in a family member to stay for a few weeks to help you and the baby adjust and get situated. I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way.” MongooseAdvanced5301
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here and well California + gov job means that he likely has great paternity leave. consider that if you don’t go back to work he’s always going to feel like he has to work extra hard to make sure you guys are provided for. I think he’s not going to take your advice though bc you don’t know his job/ the industry he’s in so your opinion doesn’t hold weight.
consider seeing if there’s some older person in a similar industry that you feel comfortable talking to maybe his father or someone who can give you guys advice on what to do.” User
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here
He’s trying to be a good provider for you and the soon-to-be-here baby, and in the uncertainty of the whole global crisis, that is important right now.
And asking for time off during a probationary period can be a termination offense with some employers. You wanting time is also not a bad thing. Unfortunately, right now, these two things are not going to mesh cleanly. This is stress both of you are experiencing.” User
8. AITJ For Wanting To Drop Out Of Focus To Focus On Work?
“I (18, Nonbinary) am the eldest in my family and would be the first in my direct family to graduate high school. However, my anxiety is really bad at school, and even thinking about it makes my insomnia so bad that sometimes I get a maximum of 1 hour of sleep in a 24-hour period. However, I only have 7 credits to go before I get a diploma.
I feel an incredible amount of pressure from my dad specifically. When he was my age he dropped out with only 2 credits left and it’s one of his biggest regrets.
Schools in my town are also super strict about attendance and the one I go to is the second you get 3 absences you’re kicked out.
You can’t take your phone out at all, even to check the time, or you have to put it in a phone locker for the rest of the day. School also cuts into the time I could be at work, I work at a place I’ll call Green Wall. I love my job and the people there make me feel welcomed and loved. My anxiety hardly ever rises above mild.
Take a second to breathe and keep going. I want to drop out because at school my anxiety can get so bad that I’ll hide in the bathroom for up to 20 minutes just to calm myself down. I know I don’t have a lot to do, but I can’t afford therapy on my own and I’m scared to ask my parents because ‘they don’t believe in shrinks’.
I’d have to pay bills, which I honestly don’t mind. Going to work makes me feel safe and cared for and it makes me feel accomplished which is the opposite of a school. Winter break really helped me see how much I love my job. But my dad makes me feel like a disappointment every time I try to tell him.
‘fine just drop out with only seven credits to go, see if I care’ is what he’ll say and maybe he’s right so, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here at least as far as your dad’s wanting you to stay in school is concerned (although I will say I don’t think he’s going about it the right way).
I’m glad you love your job, but the sad truth is that you can’t count on this job forever, or at least you can’t count on coworkers and managers who won’t cause you stress sticking around forever. And it is very, very difficult to find good, low-stress, reliable jobs as an adult without at least a high school diploma.
The fact you’re feeling stressed out is an argument for talking to people at your school about how to get access to mental health resources regardless of whether your parents approve, not just giving up.” mm172
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but you may regret it. I’m assuming you are in the US and 7 credits are like one semester?
If so, it seems that being at the finish line is a trigger for some reason and something you should get help figuring that out. You’re 18 which means you can apply for medical on your own, and if your only work a retail job you’ll most likely qualify for free Healthcare, including mental health services.
Regardless of your decision about the school, I recommend you do everything you can to get help ASAP. You could end up wasting so many years and opportunities falling prey to your anxiety and that would be the real shame. You may also want to look into any other non-profits or local programs if for whatever reason medical doesn’t work out.” Turbulent-Army2631
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here (except as others have said for your parents not being willing to get you the help you need) but let me tell you about my life because I was 18 and made a similar decision, only I was a freshman in college. I hated school, I had similar anxiety issues throughout high school and barely made it through, but I did.
I got into a local university, but wasn’t super enthusiastic about it and didn’t feel ready for it. At this point I also had a job doing something I loved, the salary was okay, not amazing, but I figured if I kept at it I’d be making great income in no time.
My anxiety got worse in the first few months of school and unbearable by the time the first semester had ended and I dropped out. In my head I truly and deeply believed that it was the right thing to do, that I would make it in my profession, and that everything would turn out okay, it seemed like an easier route than paying my way through college and therapy and getting the help I needed.
I’m here to tell you I was wrong. Occasionally you’ll hear a story of someone getting a job in high school that turns into a career and they live a good life, with enough funds and things work out. What people don’t tell you about those stories is that they all took place before the 90s and that doesn’t really happen anymore, or if it does, it was incredibly rare.
Please finish school and if you don’t want to go to college, start an apprenticeship for a trade. I am 32 years old and have struggled to eat for the majority of months after paying rent. My life has been an incredibly unstable mess full of sadness, instability, and unchecked mental illness that has almost ended by my own actions (nothing intentional just a lot of dangerous and over-the-top substance use) a few times because I chose to ignore my problems and thought I’d be fine.
I am now back in school and even though I shouldn’t feel embarrassed by that, I often do. I can see the look of disappointment and pity when I talk to dates about me getting my life on track when they ask about work. I feel sick to my stomach when I hear my parents make excuses for me to friends and family members when they ask what I’m doing with my life.
And I feel sad about how much of my life has gone by and how hard I will need to work to retire at a reasonable age.
None of this is to say that you need a college education, you don’t. The trades are understaffed and pay well, but even they require a diploma or GED. But do not unintentionally drift through life and ignore your mental health issues because before you know it, you’ll be in your thirties and sadly looking back at things wishing that you had done something to advance your position in the world rather than stay at Green Wall.
Those companies hire 17-18-year-olds because they can pay them less, and they don’t have to worry about their employees asking for raises for rent, medical expenses, and everything else that comes along with being an adult. The unfortunate truth about capitalism and large companies like that is that those jobs aren’t supposed to be careers in their eyes.” Snoo74606
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I can understand the anxiety you’re dealing with and how different places can be more comforting (work). But you may not always be able to count on that job for a multitude of reasons. It’s best to have your education as a backup for when you have to job hunt in the future.
With that said, try looking into online or homeschool options that way you’re able to at least eliminate the stressful setting aspect. If that’s not an option consider talking to your school counselor or administrators to get some accommodations made that will take your mental health into consideration.” ElleBelle901
7. AITJ For Parking In Front Of My Driveway?
“I (28F) live in a quiet, suburban cul-de-sac with my wife (37F) and 2 kids (2.5F, 2.5M). The way the street works is essentially, each house has a driveway, and there’s normal curbside parking in front. My wife and I each have a car, and we renovated part of our front yard so that we would have enough room to park both cars off the street.
We don’t use our garage as it’s basically a storage space.
A mum and her teen daughters moved into the house opposite us about a year ago. We’ve had no issues with them. Enter: The Guy. Each of them has a car so 4 total. Mum and teen 1 both used the driveway and teen 2 parks in front of our driveway.
She’s not good at parallel parking and is always 1-2ft off the curb. The Guy decided the best place to park is always in front of our house.
There are no laws being violated, it’s just annoying. The Guy is one of these 18-20-year-old guys whose entire identity is his car. His car has an Instagram page, it’s his pride and joy, he’s sat outside our house and blasted music, he sits and revs his engine for 5-20 minutes before leaving, does burnouts in the street, and more.
He thinks between 11 pm-4 am is the best time to make all of this noise. It wakes my kids every night. When we went to talk to him, he made some crude hand gestures and some very anti-lesbian comments. After that, his partner would park in front of our house, then he would park so that his front wheels are in line with our driveway, blocking part of it.
If both our cars are home, we can’t get out of our drive, and after work, I can’t safely get in as there’s not enough room to move.
Legally there was nothing we could do, so I figured if I couldn’t use my own driveway, I’d just park in front of it myself. The Guy is there when I get home from work, so I have to park in front of him.
I would park kind of close to him, as in, I was parking with my rear bumper literally an inch away from him. He didn’t like it and smashed my mirrors with a bat. We pressed charges and he had to pay to replace them, but nothing could be done about parking like a jerk because there’s sadly no law against being a jerk.
Last night he came home and had a street screaming match with his partner at 11 pm. We had friends over, and I mentioned this story. Some of them now think I was being a petty jerk for purposely parking so close to his car when we knew it was his pride and joy and deserved to have my car smashed. I know I was being petty, but it worked. He hasn’t parked near us for two months so we can actually leave our own house without it being mission impossible.
So was I being a petty jerk, or just being petty?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ by far. And judging by how much of a jerk the jerk has been, I would go as far as saying that even calling a tow company and getting his car towed would not be out of line. Severe, yes, but he would have it coming.
Now I feel bad for the girl, the jerk seems like a total jerk. And your friends might have good intentions, but in my opinion, they are not right. 18-year-olds need to learn that actions have consequences, otherwise, he’ll just keep doing that to everyone.” vox-magister
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, bruh he literally comes to visit the other side of the street he can park somewhere ANYWHERE else including in front of their driveway part to block their cars and not yours since this way if someone has to go somewhere he can move it.
He makes noise because he thinks he is being cool and lemme get this straight. Smashed your mirrors with a bat because he didn’t like how close you are to his car?! But you didn’t touch it?! Like what?” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and for him to react like that and destroy your property I would go further and say you don’t feel safe with him being there.
So what if you’re close to his car, yeah it’s annoying but I’ve been blocked in more times than I can count but bad parking. My stance is if you’re so close that I accidentally scratch your car with mine getting out then that’s your own problem and you shouldn’t have parked that close (note I’ve never had to do this but it’s just my opinion) BUT I certainly would not be smashing that car up on purpose trying to get out or with a baseball bat!
He’s a psycho.” redsky25
6. WIBTJ If I Interfere With My Best Friend's Flirting With Recently Widowed Friend?
“A very close friend of mine, let’s call her Anne (31F), passed away suddenly in a car accident late last year. She was with her husband, Joe (35M) for nearly 15 years and both Joe and Anne were part of the bridal party at my (32F) and my husband’s (31M) wedding. Her passing was devastating and Joe still seems to be in denial (accidentally talks about Anne in the present tense etc).
He’s already taken off his wedding rings though and seems to be acting in the opposite direction of sad (e.g. making joking comments about all pretty single ladies and buying a new car).
Enter my best friend, Sue (32F), friends for nearly 20 years. She was my maid of honor and she and Anne got very close during wedding prep.
She was understandably also very upset at Anne’s passing. She’s been single for a long time and isn’t happy about it and currently goes on lots of dates and craves men’s attention as the rest of her friends are married with kids, which is what she wants. She’s understandably been very affectionate and kind to Joe whenever we hang out together.
The problem arose on NYE when intoxicated Sue and intoxicated Joe started flirting big time. There has been no previous indication of attraction and I realize they probably both just craved attention but it made me, my husband, and another mutual friend upset. Anne hasn’t even been gone three months yet and Sue is flirting with her friend’s widowed husband.
My husband is of the opinion that she started flirting with Joe at the funeral already.
So, here is my conundrum. Do I let two adults make their own (in my opinion, very poor) choices knowing that they’ll probably regret it, or do I get involved and tell Sue to cut it out (and my husband to tell Joe the same)?
Would I be the jerk for interfering?
Editing to add, I think my being upset was out of some sort of defensiveness for Anne, which I know logically doesn’t make sense. Clearly, I also need to deal with my grief better.”
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ – People get over pain and grief at different rates and in different ways.
It’s not your place to judge how long a person should mourn, how they should display their grief, or what is or isn’t appropriate after the loss of a spouse. Joe’s behavior now does not diminish everything he had with Anne. Presumably, he’s doing the best he can in the tragic circumstances he faced. He may make a few ‘mistakes’ (as you call them) along the way, but they are his alone to make.” TJMunk
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It’s none of your business. I’m a widow; lost my husband of 13 years in 2019 at age 34.
Talking about her in the present tense isn’t unusual or alarming. American society doesn’t handle grief or grieving well; as a result, many of us kids do our grieving in private.
You don’t know how he’s coping when he’s alone. Jokes about looking for singles or morbid jokes are a result of using humor to cope.
Grief is hard, and grief needs witnesses. Grief is also entirely individual and each person moves at their own pace.
Instead of interfering in whatever your friends (two consenting adults) have going on, maybe try some of the following: talk to him about his late wife!!
Tell stories, share memories, consider taking over a meal or inviting him to join you and your hubs for dinner one night, reach out to check in (don’t ask how he’s doing, just check in and open the door for him to talk about whatever is on his mind), make sure you and your husband offer a judgment-free zone for him to share his grief, or ask if you/hubs can help with anything around the house (dishes, laundry, etc)” sweetEVILone
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ, people grieve in different ways and people also are super scared to be alone. Seriously they are. Both of my sibs HATE being alone. That could be part of his problem. Also, they are adults and should be allowed to make their own mistakes. The only time I would intervene would be if they were wasted and about to screw because intoxication impairs one’s judgment and one of them might not really want it.
In my state, if you are wasted you cannot consent to have intercourse.” Appropriate-Piglet87
5. WIBTJ If I Get Sick Of Having Unexpected Visitors Over?
“I (16f) have known Kylie (19f), Megan Meg (18f), and Ashley (15f) since I was born or in Ash’s case since she was born, my mother is all of three of the girls’ godmother from memory and my dad is Ash’s godfather possibly Meg’s as well.
The girls are practically like three more sisters to me I have one sibling Alena (9f). As we have gotten older I rarely see them due to mum going back to work (she recently quit) and not doing twilight golf for several years and some other reasons. I use to see them every week but I’m now lucky if I see them once every month unless it’s birthdays.
Every time they come over they bring either a friend or their partners. For years without asking me they have brought friends to my birthday parties. I was so excited to today to see Ash it has been a month since I’ve seen her and she bring our friend Abby who I don’t even know or something I spent the whole being ignored I tried to start a conversation but even when I did Ash acted like only Abby was there talking to her about what I asked and talking about making plans with my cousin who wasn’t even there I didn’t even get a hello or goodbye.
It’s the same with Kylie and Meg. They can see their friends and partners whenever they want they go to school with them/live with them. Would I be in the wrong if I asked my parents to stop them or to let me know? Though in some cases my parents didn’t know the friends were coming either.
They come over bring people with them and rarely talk to me if not ignore me. I am just sick of it. I’ve put up for it for years and said nothing do I just keep my mouth shut?
So WIBTJ?
Edit: I think I should add that we invite them to our house for tea and sometimes parties they usually always bring people sometimes without asking.
I get that they want to hang out with their friends and partners but does it really have to be at my house when I rarely see them and they see their friends and partners all the time?
They bring people to my birthday parties without asking sometimes they are people I haven’t even met
Edit 2: I just want to add when it’s just us I get to talk to them and we play pool and that but when there are usually uninvited friends there I get ignored and left out.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
As people grew up, sometimes they drift apart. The question here is, do they invite you to their stuff?
Also, it is rude to bring uninvited guests.
In my opinion, not worth the battle, as it has been going on for years. Usually, if you don’t speak up early, it’s hard to change the established ways.
My suggestion here is that you consider this done, turn the page, and make better friends. Stop inviting your mother’s godchildren to your stuff, and let your parents invite and socialize with them if they want to.
If parents complain, just tell them you grew up and drifted apart, and they have more fun with their friends than with you, while you have other friends which whom you wanna hang out, but of course, you don’t wanna stop your parents from meeting them.” tatasz
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, only people being people.
You can’t make your parents take away your god siblings’ friends and expect them to be friendly with you afterward, that would just backfire in a very bad way.
Try to make your own plans with them instead.” tonysvanstrom
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s very rude to bring someone else along without checking with the host first. They are clearly so comfortable with you and your family that they don’t see an issue with this.
Don’t go through your parents – if you want to address it then do it with your friends directly and explain how it makes you feel.” xpotential31
4. AITJ For Not Waking My Brother Up?
“I (20F) am living with my family – mom, brother (17M), and mom’s partner. For background – I’m suffering from anxiety disorder and PTSD from a young age, and my mom knows it.
I was at home for a couple of months after graduating, and a couple of weeks ago succeeded in finding a good job and was really happy that I’m starting tomorrow. This day was supposed to be my last day of being by myself and I wanted to finish some tasks and also chill.
But this morning, I woke up from the loud noise and the door buzzer (something that triggers me since my traumatic experience started with me waking up from screams and ended up with me almost not surviving).
I, shaking, came to the door to find out that my mom asked our neighbor to come down and wake ME up, so I could wake up my brother who has trouble waking up since he played games all night long – it turned out this morning is his school exam. She didn’t even remember that it was the last day of my being at home since my job will require for me to be outside for at least 12 hours.
When I called her crying and asked what happened, she screamed at me that I should just go and wake him up, and I refused to do so. I told her I won’t enable her pressure on me and everyone around, and if she wants to wake him up so badly she should’ve done it herself without pressuring anyone, not me, not the neighbor – she even called my sick grandma to come here and wake him up.
She tries to wake up my brother every day while he doesn’t want to, and every time it resorts to her screaming and cursing at him, and him throwing stuff at her. I found military-grade earplugs to cover up my ears the first month of my being back home since every day for a week I woke up scared and had flashbacks.
It helped but probably wasn’t so helpful against the door buzzer and thuds. Same with his homework, she screams at him for not doing it. She also hates that he goes out, she won’t sleep at night because she says she is scared for him and she calls him every hour and curses at him for being out for so long and that he doesn’t respect her.
I didn’t wake him up, so he probably will need to retake the exam. My grandma told me later that I’m a bad sister and daughter, and I should’ve listened to my mother and just woken him up. So, AITJ for not helping my brother?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You living in a family home.
If you don’t like the rules, move out. Your mum asked you to do one little thing, help your brother wake up. Teenagers biologically have difficulty getting up in the morning. This is a scientific fact. But no you screw your brother over and now he may have to do his exam again. Probably have to pay extra.
Can I check if this was all happening whilst your mum was working so you have a roof over your head and food in the cupboard? Grow up.” jools4you
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He will never be responsible for himself with your mother’s coddling. He knew that he had a test the next morning but still stayed up late playing video games.
He is almost an adult. He’s never going to be able to keep a job if he doesn’t learn how to go to sleep at a reasonable time and wake himself up.
Your mother needs to personally wake him if she wants to continue that nonsense and not involve everyone else on the planet.” PsychologyAutomatic3
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Your brother for being 17 and unable/unwilling to get himself up. Your mom for being demanding and inconsiderate. You for not waking him up because it’s not his fault you and your mom had an argument and doing something small like that for the family shouldn’t be a big deal.
But more importantly, are you getting treatment? Is there somewhere else for you to live? If any kind of loud noise triggers you this strongly it’s going to be really hard to get by in life. Are you seeing someone to help you learn how to manage your reaction to triggers? Is dad around?
Can you live with him?” Low-Aerie1917
3. WIBTJ If I Don't Let My Mom Move My Dad's Ashes?
“My dad passed away soon before my 16th birthday (2008).
I can not give details because of the rules on what is allowed to write about here. The loss was sudden and devastating. My family (at that time mother (54), brothers (29, 28, 17), SIL (28), and I) all went to therapy both as a family and individually.
I now live with my husband about an hour away from where I grew up.
In the years since we lost my dad, I went to the cemetery to have a place to feel close to him. I still visit his gravesite regularly, but not as often as I used to. My brothers live further away with their now wives and children. My mom now lives close to my youngest older brother and his family.
My mom has bipolar disorder and had a big setback in treatment when my dad died. In the years that have passed, she is back on medication but does not think further therapy will help. My mom is unstable and her relationship is rocky with all of us and our partners. She is a caring grandmother, which is amazing, though she is not dependable in their relationships with her either.
Where I wonder if I WBTJ is if I do not agree to move my dad’s ashes. My mom has mentioned that she wants to move his ashes and bury them in a cemetery close to where she now lives. In our country, you are not allowed to move to a gravesite before 15 years have gone by (which will be in 2023) and all next of kin (spouse and adult children) have to agree.
My mom mentioned this the first time about two years ago when she moved. At the time I tried to explain to her that it did not feel right for me to move his remains. Both because I instinctively feel as if the last resting place is not to be disturbed and because I have always used the gravesite as a place for comfort which would be harder for me to do if it is moved 3 hours away.
My mom said that we could wait to talk further when the deadline was closer and I honestly hoped she would change her mind, which she often does. She has not though and I do try to see it from her point of view. She does not use the gravesite as comfort and can go years without visiting it, but she does like to feel close to him.
Her feeling keeps being that his ashes should be near her. I can stop the move from happening because of the rules in our country but I wonder if I WBTJJ if I do. My brothers do not wish to move the ashes but they do not wish to upset my mother either and they think they will agree to it.
My 3 SILs and my husband think that we should say no because we do not feel comfortable with it.
I know we should not say yes just to please our mom because she can become frighteningly mentally unstable, but I wonder if – all else aside – the right thing to do is to say yes if she still feels that it is the right thing and it would mean much to her.
Am I being selfish if I stop the move?
Edit: In my country, it is not allowed to split the ashes, but I will agree for my mom to have them close to her to respect her feelings and their love.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here
You are all entitled to your grief and your feelings about his resting place.
Your mother’s desires are not greater than yours, nor are yours greater than hers, but unfortunately a compromise is not really possible here. That doesn’t mean any of you are jerks.
However, I will point out that if the ashes can be moved once, they can be moved twice. He can probably be returned to his original resting place later if your family does agree to move him.
(Not saying you SHOULD do that, just that it may be an option.)” Trilobyte141
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ. Why is your need above hers? Seems like you have had more ‘time’ I suppose than she has. Could be moved midway perhaps to have access for both with, what 1.5 hour drive each? If she has been asking for two years it seems like it is indeed very important to her.” PastPresentFuture000
Another User Comments:
“NTJ… I’m from America and not familiar with the customs in your area (I could be wrong but I’m guessing with English being a secondary language it’s possible that you are from another country). That being said I can understand this dilemma. I wish I could be closer to my father’s final resting spot, but he was buried instead of cremated.
I can suggest a compromise… Split his ashes. These items called ‘keepsake urns’ are significantly smaller so that family members can have a permanent location for the bulk of a person’s ashes but at the same time have a smaller portable urn that someone can keep with them as well. Providing all family members agreed could be a way to fulfill both your desire for your father’s resting spot to remain in the current location but also fulfill your mother’s desire to be closer to him.
Potential win-win.” Agreeable_Skill_1599
2. AITJ For Having Shortcomings With My Fiancé?
“My fiancé (m21), let’s call him A and, I (Nb21) have a 4-month-old son. Recently all three of us got sick. I’ve been sick, with what started as a cold, since Christmas. Up until he got sick on the 30th, he helped tremendously with Son. But on New Year’s Eve, A’s shakes turned into a stomach bug.
He only spilled his guts once but, has been physically sore and shaky since.
In fear of Son getting it as well, he and I have been camping out in his room. This is Son’s first time sleeping nights in his crib, before he slept in a pack-n-play, next to our bed. At this time, I have gotten sicker.
I have been up until between 1:30 – 2:30, the past 3 nights with him, alone. Son is teething, going through a growth spurt and, now he also has a cold. He screams as if he’s held in a cradle position. He screams if he’s put down. It’s a struggle and tonight I finally broke down.
Sobbing, I took Son into our room and asked A if he could just hold him for a bit. I told him, ‘I hurt, I’m sick and, I’m tired. I just can’t do it anymore’. I handed him the baby and walked out. After maybe 3 minutes, I hear my son screaming. A hadn’t even sat up, he was just laying there, holding his son in the air.
I took Son and A said, ‘You didn’t even bring his binky’.
After 5-10 minutes of my crying in the baby’s room, bouncing Son, A comes in and again asks what’s wrong. I repeat what I said earlier but, when I look up he’s, not even paying attention to me. A is instead staring at the tv.
I get kinda annoyed and ask him what he’s even doing in the room. He told me he came to see why I was sobbing. I said, ‘I told you already’. And he left.
At some point, not sure how long it was after he left. I go back into our room, wake A up again and beg him to take the baby.
He again doesn’t sit up and lays Son down, which immediately makes him scream. I explain why A can’t do that, but he does nothing so, again I take son back. I beg A to sit up so he can take the baby.
After a bit, he sets the baby in his bed, he screams, and I pick him up and bounce him.
Then he finally crashes. I go into our bedroom and apologize to A, knowing I was a bit short with him. To which he tells me I was a jerk.
Now, was I most likely short with him? I can almost guarantee it. But I was literally sobbing, in need of help, and, was barely receiving it.
I don’t think I was being a jerk, in the slightest.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Here’s the thing. You’re sick, your fiance is sick, and your child sounds a little colicky along with teething (by the way, you can give him a cold or frozen carrot – big enough not to choke on – and that will help) and you’re in the middle of a global crisis and it’s the holidays, and it all sucks.
Here’s where I think you made a mistake: you went back after leaving your son with A. You didn’t need to. You needed a break and a chance to breathe and collect yourself. Your son was in good hands and would have been for the time you needed. Even if you went and took a nap for a couple of hours.
Your fiance would have figured it out and even though it’s heart-breaking to hear your son cry (and believe me, I know) you need to take care of yourself to take care of him. Let your fiance shoulder some of the burdens when you need him to. And please give yourself a break.” corgihuntress
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re sick, the baby is sick, you and the baby are both exhausted, and as far as I saw in the comments A is pretty much better. He could have sat up and held the baby for a bit so you could have a moment to collect yourself. You’re honestly a lot nicer than I am.
The first time my partner did that I just shut the door and went outside for some air to collect myself and let him deal with our cranky daughter. Luckily he got the message real fast after that one.” Zealousideal_Elk_918
Another User Comments:
“I’m going with ‘no jerks here’. If you weren’t sick, I’d say YTJ.
All three of you are sick. I’m not quite sure what you wanted from your husband, because you say you were doing one thing (isolating from him so the baby doesn’t catch the stomach bug too) but then get mad at him for not helping, and suddenly came, chewed him out, and dumped the baby on him.
He’s also sick, so being a little dazed and confused about the sudden change is expected. I’m not sick and even I’m confused about why you were mad at him. Let go of this fight – explain clearly that you’re not isolating anymore and you want his help now (maybe you thought that is what you were doing when you first came out, but it sounded really accusatory and negative because you were emotionally charged), but be gentle on him and yourself both.
You’re both sick taking care of a sick baby too. If you have anyone in your life you trust who can come over to help you for a few days, now is the time.” Affectionate-Show331
1. AITJ For Advising My Cousin Not To Have Children?
“I’m not a fan of ‘everyone raises their children as they see fit’. I believe that you should be prepared and informed as much as you can. In my country, there’s a LOT of old wives’ tales, and despite the much scientific and reliable information out there, people still choose to keep on believing and enforcing these tales, which can be really dangerous to the child sometimes.
Now to the story.
I (35f) have a two-year-old daughter and a 3-month-old son. I breastfeed him exclusively. We had a family reunion yesterday, and there was a lot of drinking involved. One of my uncles offered me a beer, and I politely declined because I’m breastfeeding. Cue the rambles of many family members saying that one beer it’s not gonna hurt me, and that beer can help me with my milk production.
I told them that that wasn’t actually true, it was a myth, and it can be harmful to the baby.
One of my cousins then says: ‘Two different opinions huh? Well, when I have children I’m choosing to believe that beer helps me with my milk production.’ I said that it wasn’t an opinion, it was a fact, a scientific fact, and that she could look it up.
She rolled her eyes and replied with: ‘everyone raises their children as they see fit’, so I told her: ‘that way of thinking is naive and irresponsible, so please don’t have children’. She got mad and said that I was being ridiculous since she isn’t even pregnant or thinking about becoming pregnant, but I pointed out that it didn’t matter because if she really thinks that following a harmful myth just so she doesn’t have to quit beer is correct, then she really shouldn’t be a parent.
She got up from the table saying that I should mind my own business. I don’t know, maybe I should, but I really believe that if you choose to bring a child into this world, you should exercise your parenthood responsibly and stop following old wives’ tales when we live in an era that no longer requires us to do so, I mean, it has never been easier to find reliable information.
But then again, I guess it really isn’t my business.
So, give it to me straight, am I the jerk?
Edit: Guys, several of you are telling me that I’m outdated or that I haven’t done my research, but I assure you that I have; the CDC and the AAP (American Academy of Pediatrics) say that the safest way to go is no drinking, but they confirm that one drink per day may not be harmful to the baby as long as you wait two hours before breastfeeding.
The AAP also confirms that drinking beer does not help with milk production.
I should also specify that the tale in my country is that you should drink two cans of beer a day so you can boost milk production, and that was why I said it was not true, no amount of beer will help with milk production, and the fact that they are suggesting drinking several cans a day is indeed harmful to the baby.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This isn’t a matter of something trivial or minimal import. Like for example, breastfeeding or formula feeding. Yeah, breastmilk is most ideal, but it’s not always practical for everyone and sometimes not possible. Even if a woman chooses to formula feed for untrue or selfish reasons, feeding the baby is what matters most and the formula is a perfectly acceptable way to feed the baby.
Deliberately ignoring factual information and choosing to believe a ridiculous old nonsense rumor that could potentially harm a child is not fit parenting.” dr-sparkle
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Your family shouldn’t be telling you how to raise your children and equally, you shouldn’t be making comments about how family members should raise theirs, especially as it was based on outdated scientific advice.
There’s no problem having a couple of drinks when breastfeeding. It doesn’t get into your milk in the same way that liquor would transfer to the baby via the placenta when you’re pregnant.” Streathamite
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I totally understand the old wives’ tales thing. My family and partner are full of them.
Is anyone in this thread pregnant or planning to be? Listen to doctors. Listen to what they have to say and do your research like this person. One mistake could cost the life of you or your child so it’s best to be informed. Pregnancy can be dangerous for a lot of people and an uneducated decision is also dangerous.” andietendo
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. It was obviously rude and unfair for your family to gang up on you, but you may have retaliated too harshly against your cousin. Honestly, it seems like you are on a high horse about your opinion about parenting. Calling people’s beliefs ‘myths’ and trying to shame them openly to their faces is really rude even though you are correct.
There are much more efficient ways of sharing information with people, and yes, you can look up the data backing these tactics up. It may be less jerkish to just decrease contact with your family because you don’t see eye-to-eye on such an important subject.” rhymes_with_mayo
Here's some more science for your beer drinking male relatives. Hops is used in beer. Hops have phytoestrogens aka isoflavones, essentially plant based estrogen. Too much estrogen in men can cause development of breast tissue aka man bo*bs. Since it's mammary tissue and not fat, it can only be removed surgically. Remember that next time the men start telling you it's better for your breasts.
