People Rile Us Up With Their "Am I The Jerk?" Story
15. AITJ For Making My Wife Stay At A Hotel For Taking Out Her Grief On My Daughter?
“So I’m married to my wife Tanya. My kids’ stepmother and they get along well. My kids liked her very much.
So I’ll start this off with my rules for my daughter. I think clothes, hair, makeup, etc are ways someone expresses themselves. Therefore, I let her wear what she wants and do what she wants to her hair.
Piercings on the ear are fine, etc.
So 1. You can do what you want with your hair as long as you know not everything can be fixed.
2. She can go out in whatever she wants as long as it fits. (Meaning she didn’t get something that’s 2 sizes too small to show body, and I think that’s a good way to start body dysmorphia)
A few more rules but these are the necessary ones to know.
As of right now, my daughter cut most of her hair off to where it’s shaven in the back but longer on the rest of her head.
Tanya’s aunt died 15 years ago when she was 20, last week was the date of her aunt’s passing.
Now moving forward to last week I came home from work to my daughter sobbing in her room.
I tried asking what was wrong and she gave me a ton of bags and I looked through them. They were filled with a lot of clothes, clothes that were way too small for her, not her style at all, they were all colorful and dresses and short short skirts, skinny jeans, crop tops that only cover your chest, tops that had strings connecting the sides which would clearly show some cleavage which my daughter hates.
The skirts were very short, enough that you could probably see undergarments. It was borderline atrocious.
I talked to my daughter after she calmed down and she said that Tanya bought these and told her that this would be her “new style” because she’s in high school now so she needs to dress more “appropriately” and people won’t realize she is a girl.
My daughter looks fine.
This was the same day Tanya’s aunt died. When I addressed Tanya she said that she wanted to help my daughter and my daughter needed to start looking better anyway, and she said that she wanted to give her a “glow up” and her aunt dressed like that and she was beautiful so she did that.
I told her she’s taking her grief out on my daughter and she won’t do that, I said that at the end of it, she’s my daughter and what I say goes unless she has something to say about it. Tanya argued that she was looking like a tomboy and that’s when I said she had to leave and I’ll pay for a hotel.
I’m getting lots of crap from her family. But honestly, even if it seems dramatic I’m rethinking everything.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, Tanya could have spent her day maybe reminiscing about her time with her aunt during her high school years and pass on high school tips and stories to your daughter.
But trying to force a style on her by body-shaming her and implying she is ugly, no, absolutely not. You’re right that your responsibility is first to your daughter’s wellbeing, and it’s not like you threw your wife on the street.
Also kind of an aside, as someone who had their style very much controlled by their parent in some hecka creepy ways until they moved out (turns out I’m much more goth/metally/grunge now), thank you for letting your kid express herself the way she wants and protecting her from harmful expectations.” The_Death_Flower
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is wildly, wildly inappropriate. It would be inappropriate if she was your daughter’s bio mom, but in my opinion, is even worse from a stepmom (particularly if your daughter’s mother, living or dead, is a presence in her life rather than Tanya being the only mother she’s ever known).
Your daughter is not Tanya’s aunt 2.0. There’s nothing wrong with her being a tomboy. Your wife is going against your rules for your daughter and feeding into EXACTLY the issues that you made those rules to prevent.
I’d have another talk with your daughter, make sure she knows you support her and that Tanya’s behavior was unacceptable, and remove the clothes from anywhere your daughter is going to find them while you figure out how/where to return them or donate them, and make sure she knows that if Tanya EVER criticizes her style like that again, implies there’s something wrong with being a tomboy or there’s a “right” way she “should” be dressing, etc she should tell you IMMEDIATELY, no matter how small it seems.
Then you figure out for yourself exactly where your lines are – if you and Tanya don’t do couples counseling to sort out your parenting clash now, at what point do you go? At what point does this behavior continuing become too much and you leave her for the sake of your daughter?
Setting those lines in the sand with yourself now will make it easier to act on them if they arrive than trying to evaluate everything as it happens and keeps you from minimizing things to yourself because it’s been a slow increase.” inkpaperdream
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Tanya is way out of line here. It’s not inappropriate to suggest to your daughter that HS girls dress in a different style, and offer to take her shopping to select clothes that your daughter would still feel comfortable in but that might be more age-appropriate.
But if your daughter doesn’t want to wear short short skirts or crop tops or show cleavage, it’s absolutely inappropriate to try to push those on her.
Once your daughter said “no, I don’t want to dress like that”, it should have been the end.
Tell Tanya she can return from the hotel once she returns the clothing (or donates what can’t be returned), agrees to respect your and your daughter’s boundaries on this, and agrees to attend couples counseling to explore why Tanya did this if she “normally gets along good” with your kids.
It might be a good idea to take your daughter out for a coffee or ice cream and gently explore if there have been other instances of similar boundary-stomping, and pushing behavior. Perhaps this isn’t a one-off from Tanya and they don’t get along as well as you think.” DevilSilver
14. AITJ For Taking In My "Difficult" Cousin After Her Parents Kicked Her Out?
“My (m30) wife (f27) and I own a sizeable farm that is usually the nexus of family events. 5 Bedrooms, 3 bathrooms, 300 acres, and electrical hookups for 4 campers so the whole clan can come to stay for extended visits in the summer. We built it that way deliberately.
My cousin Bill (M early 50s) has a daughter Alice (F18) from his first marriage. His first wife was an immigrant with no family in our country and no contact with any family in her home country. She passed away when Alice was 2 and Bill remarried Tanya (F early 50s) 6 months later.
They have since had 3 kids (M14, M12, F8).
Alice is a brat. Everything in their house revolves around either “The Boys” (their two oldest together) or “Their Princess” (their daughter together) and Alice is left behind. She doesn’t get to go on family trips, they wouldn’t pay for extra-curricular stuff, she couldn’t take elective classes that had extra fees, etc. I’m not a smart man but I can recognize a kid that’s hurting inside and being neglected. She’s like Mr. Hyde with them and Dr. Jekyl elsewhere.
For the last 4 summers, she’s been coming to “work” on my farm because her parents don’t want her around over summer break. She turned 18 recently and leading up to her birthday her Dad was very adamant that she was being kicked out of the house when she turned 18 because “It will teach her responsibility.”
We (wife, Alice, and me) discussed it and early on her birthday we pulled up with my truck and packed her stuff up. We only packed things she purchased herself or things that were given to her by another person.
My boss got creative with our benefits provider so we can get Alice on my medical benefits until she finishes university (she starts in a few weeks) so she’s able to go to therapy and able to get back into sports while still saving her finances.
This is where it all comes apart: Bill and Tanya are livid that we took her in and refuse to come to family events. Part of the family refuses to attend as well because I’m “undermining Bill and Tanya, I’ll understand when I have kids”.
After they refused to attend events, a few others said that with gas being so expensive and not everyone attending they’d skip as well. My answer of “Okie dokie, come if you want and don’t if you don’t” further upset people who thought I should have tried harder to get people to come so now we’re down to about 1/4 of the family in attendance for events.
My aunt suggested that we have Alice over on weekends and that she stays in a dorm during the week to smooth things over. I think that’s dumb, but I’m dumb and stubborn. My wife thinks it’s dumb and she’s really smart but also very much attached to the situation.
Alice said she’d rather stay with us but would try the dorms to help make peace.
AITJ for not going with the dorm suggestion to keep the peace?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Tell Bill and Tanya that if they didn’t want you to be a loving, supportive adult in their daughter’s life, maybe they should have considered being loving, supportive parents to her and not treated her as the unwanted second-class scapegoat child.
It is not their place to demand that you mistreat their daughter because they don’t happen to like her, don’t want to do their jobs as parents by her, and don’t want to be made to feel bad by seeing that not everyone dislikes her and that, in fact, when not mistreated, she’s a fine and lovable human being.
You’re not undermining their “parenting”- they never parented her. They undermined their daughter, whom they should have loved and cared for because they favored their other children and did not care to be decent parents to her.” Katja1236
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Please don’t kick her out.
Her family is horrendous.
They bullied her all her life, and now they’re bullying you so that you also kick her out.
How can they possibly think it’s ok to pressure you to kick out a vulnerable teenager? What possible GOOD lesson would that teach her?
They have no interest in teaching her anything – they just want to (1) hurt her and (2) feel better about themselves. If EVERYONE says Alice is “bad”, then her parents must be good and Alice must be the bad one. If you’re saying that she’s fine with you guys, then people will wonder why her parents kicked her out – they’ll wonder who really was the bad guy.
People like to gang up on vulnerable people. We see it in families all the time, and some of us in our own lives also.
Families with a “golden child” tend to pick one person to be the scapegoat, and the rest of the family bunch together to bully the scapegoat.
Maybe Bill was the golden child of his parents? So when he began to bully Alice, grandparents and extended family joined in on the bullying.
You’re now going against that, and thereby showing them all up for the bullies they are for having bullied a vulnerable defenseless orphaned kid all her life.
Please don’t send her to the dorms.
Why would you want these awful people on your property?
They’re telling you “kick her out or we won’t visit”. Sounds like a triple win to me: (1) You get Alice, and (2) the jerks take themselves out: (3) you open people’s eyes as to who really was the “bad guy.”” Bruiscear
13. AITJ For How I Snapped At My Dad Who Has Brain Damage?
“I’m a 24 yr old mom to a 2 yr old girl.
Today I had my parents stop by to pick up groceries I got for them.
Within minutes of being in my home, my dad scared my child several times in an attempt to “play” with her, seemingly on purpose.
To give you some context about his disability, he has no frontal lobe. He had his lobe removed about a decade ago due to a large tumor.
I won’t go into great detail about how this influenced my upbringing, all I will say is that both my mother and father are better grandparents than they ever were parents.
I have a strict rule in my home where nobody touches my daughter’s body for any reason if she says no. This often offends older relatives, but I usually patiently explain to them that I want my daughter to have control over her own body.
This is due to my own trauma, and most ppl are chill about it. Except for my dad.
My mom is really close with my daughter. But she is very skittish around my dad and with good reason in my opinion.
In the past I have seen my dad scare my baby by tickling her, he grabs at her shirt and chases her and every time my daughter tells him “papa stop!” And I tell her good job for using her words and I calmly correct his behavior.
Even though it makes me upset, I try to keep a level head for my daughter.
But this seems to edge my dad on and make him go further with teasing her because I think he knows it makes me uncomfortable. She is still very small, she doesn’t understand why he is picking on her.
With today’s instance, I stopped packing up their groceries and came rushing into the room because I heard her scream stop repeatedly, and she sounded scared. He was towering over my baby while she cowered into the crack of the couch with her little palm up telling him to stop.
He was laughing at her.
I don’t think I’ve ever really “seen red” until today. My vision blurred and I pushed past him to pick up my daughter, and I told him “You are going to stop when my baby says stop, or I WILL stop you.”
My mom tried to step in and gently tell my dad that “they are teaching her that she’s allowed to say no, so we should try and listen.”
My dad had little to no reaction to this and laughed saying that it was funny that she thinks papa is a scary monster.
That’s when I told him that he IS a scary monster, and he needed to leave her alone or he won’t be welcome in my home anymore. That it’s not funny to pick on someone just because they are small.
My mom called me later to ask me to be more patient with my dad because she believes he has 0 control over his actions.
I get this call constantly at any attempt to draw a boundary with him. Banning him from my home would destroy my mom, and I don’t want to hurt her but I can’t ever see my baby that scared again. AITJ here? I’m so confused.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
My father did this when I was a child. My mother didn’t stop him. Your daughter is two. She’s learning to understand the world around her. He’s doing irreparable damage to her.
If it’s done more than zero times, she’ll remember it.
You’ve taught her to have bodily autonomy. Your Father is tearing it away from her. He’s using the word monster and her whole world is so small. She’ll remember the monster that terrorizes her. If not by memory, then by a bone-deep fear.
At this point, it sounds like a power play.
Like he’s a bully getting his fun by picking on a younger kid. Your father is disregarding your daughter as a person and you as her mother. She’s lesser to him, otherwise, he wouldn’t torment her. No sane person does that to another person. And your father thinks you don’t matter.
He just has to placate you and he gets away with it to do it again.
Your father is infuriating. How dare he! Please, draw the line in the sand. Make this a hill to die in or else he’ll either escalate or just keep on disrespecting you.” mimi7600
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and your dad probably qualifies for adult daycare with his disability. Find one close to you and split the cost with your mom so she can still come and enjoy time with your daughter. Have a family meal with him at the end of the visit and they can head home with no one terrorizing a small child.
If your mom says no, then next time stop your father however you need to. I say this from experience. My brother is autistic and not capable of living alone. He was grabbing my not-yet 2-year-old niece who was screaming to be let go and was caging her in on his lap too close with his face in hers with my baby sister begging him to let her daughter go.
I yanked my niece out of there and then replicated his actions and smothered my brother roughly and far past him begging me to stop. My parents tried to yell at me after and I pointed out that if it wasn’t family, he’d be in jail and if they prefer me not to give him a taste of his own medicine, next time I’d pepper spray him because my niece deserves to feel safe.
They eventually thanked me after his next therapy session because I emailed his therapist ratting everyone out including me and she had a come to Jesus talk with him/them. I told my mother there’s a reason 3/4 niblings won’t willingly go within arms reach of my brother and it’s self-inflicted. HE KNOWS.
He can tell you after the fact that his actions are inappropriate. He just doesn’t react to what he’s being told in the moment unless it’s an authority figure (mom/dad/older sister) and so he’s lost the privilege of unsupervised interaction.
Disability doesn’t mean you get to do all the things in the same manner as everyone else.
Disability means that you get reasonable accommodations to participate as close to the same level as everyone else as you can within the limits of your disability. Dad doesn’t get unsupervised time anymore, OP.” DerbyDogMom
12. AITJ For Ditching My Partner Last Minute?
“So my partner and I have been together for about a year now. It’s been a big adjustment, but I think we’ve done well so far.
I had two kids before her and she isn’t used to kids, but I think she’s doing well and I think my kids really like her.
I’m a widower. My wife passed away a few years ago from cancer. It definitely hit me like a truck and took me a while to recover from. It took me a really long while to get back out there, but I eventually did a few years ago.
My daughter is 13, she is in middle school now and is obviously growing.
So usually on Thursdays after I drop off my kid and do some chores, my partner and I usually go out to lunch.
Just so you know, this is not at all something that happens all the time.
I try my best to be both Mom and Dad, but I’m still figuring it out. Lately, my daughter has been moody and very emotional. I had thought that it could be her period because she’s getting to that age.
On Thursday a few hours after I dropped her off, I got a call from my daughter because she had ended up getting her period.
She was really upset and crying and she said that she was really embarrassed.
I quickly went to go pick her up and shot my partner a text that I couldn’t make it and had to go pick up my daughter.
I was low-key freaking out and that’s why I was pretty brief so I rushed over there really quickly to go pick her up.
She was in tears, I brought her home, she got cleaned up, my partner came home while she was in the shower and I explain the situation but… she was still mad.
I really wasn’t expecting her to be mad. I don’t really feel that I stood her up; I still sent her a text.
It was really just under the heat of the moment and I was really focused on one thing, and it was an honest mistake.
She lost it on me, saying that it was a jerk move to leave her hanging like that and not even answer the phone when she was calling to see why I stood her up.
(I never received a call from her if she did, I triple-checked).
I said I apologize for that, but I was in a rush to go to the store before I went to go pick up my daughter, and I was just focused on one thing.
She said that it wasn’t an excuse to stand her up. She said that it was just a period, The school gets her a change of clothes and a pad and it wasn’t an excuse to be so disrespectful because she was taken care of.
I tried saying that she probably just wanted to be in the comfort of her own home and she was really embarrassed so I should go pick her up.
She was still really upset at me, but I really don’t get why given the circumstances I feel like this was justified.
Then I stopped arguing with her to go check on my daughter because she was out of the shower, and she and I talked and everything, and now she’s okay.
But now she’s upset and saying that we won’t go out anymore if I’ll just “stand her up.””
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You didn’t stand her up. You sent her a brief text saying you couldn’t make it. You’re going on lunch dates every freaking time and one time you can’t make it because of an EMERGENCY and your girl is all huffy with you?
What in the absolute crap?
I got somewhat lucky. I had my first period in the middle of the night. When I tell you that I woke up, lying in my own b***d, soaked, I was TERRIFIED. I was terrified for my life, I thought I caught some massive internal injury and was currently bleeding out, especially since it didn’t look like it was going to stop.
I. Was. TERRIFIED.
And now imagine how your daughter feels. I doubt her first thought was a period. To that in school, in front of all her peers. In her place, even tho a period is normal and healthy, I would have wanted to vanish into the ground and never come back.
That is something HARD you need a bit to recover from.
The lack of understanding of your partner to know and recognize that a teen girl having her first period in front of every gosh darn person without any pads or tampons might be just a slight bit more important than a lunch date you have every week is just straight-up awful.
Please show her the comment section.” kuroka_gator
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all.
I don’t suppose, for even a single second, that it occurred to your partner that it wasn’t ‘just a period’. It’s a major milestone in your daughter’s life that most of us have the support of our mothers to get us through.
But not your daughter. In addition to the physical and emotional changes that she is going to deal with, it’s also a reminder that she has to do it all without her mother to hold her hand. I know you are trying, and you are doing a great job, but sometimes a girl just needs her mom.
So ‘just a period’ is a narrow, selfish view from your partner. She has no empathy for your daughter, or for you and the nuances of reality for a widower with children.
I honestly think a step back from this relationship would be a wise move.
No doubt there is a learning curve on her part too, but jumping to extremes and failing to acknowledge that your kids are the priority is kind of a red flag.
Hugs to your daughter.” OTTB_Mama
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
By the sound of it, you did everything right – you went to get your daughter and sent your girl a message saying you wouldn’t be able to make it.
You didn’t send it long after you were to meet, you sent it in a reasonable amount of time. This was an unavoidable situation – good on you to be there for your daughter. Missing lunch is a minor issue and for her to be so upset regarding it and saying you “stood her up” is ridiculous.
BIG warning flag here.
You say your daughter has been a bit moody and it may be contributed to getting her period, but talk to your daughter – has your partner been saying things to her or acting differently toward her recently?
This woman is being unreasonable and I don’t think you and your daughter need this in your life.
Good Luck!” 1moreKnife2theheart
11. AITJ For Not Letting My Friend's Partner Hold My Son?
“My friend, “David,” and I have been friends for decades. We’ve drifted apart slightly in recent years, but I still consider him to be a brother. David has been seeing, “Paige,” for a few months now. Though I’ve barely spoken to her, she seems alright.
My son is officially turning a year old this month. David asked if he and Paige could visit us and see the baby. It would also be a nice way to introduce Paige to my wife and me. My wife, “Kate,” and I saw no problems with this.
Kate severely sprained her ankle about a week ago. She is on crutches and her foot is healing slowly.
Coincidentally, Kate and I were at a restaurant and we happened to bump into David and Paige, days before their scheduled visit. When I was picking up my son to put him in his high chair, Paige ran over, with her hands held out, and asked if she could hold him.
At the moment, I couldn’t recognize Paige (she had new hair, contacts, – she looked different from how I remembered her.) At the time, she looked like a complete stranger. I blurted out, “No,” and I asked her to leave my family alone. Paige looked furious.
David approached our table a few moments later and I connected the dots. Kate apologized for the misunderstanding, but I could tell that Paige wasn’t forgiving.
Although I may have come off as a little harsh, I assumed that the whole thing would have been forgotten in a day.
I was proven wrong.
Immediately when they entered our home, Paige tried to hold the baby (who was in my arms). She barely acknowledged me and just started making kissy faces at my son. I pulled away awkwardly and tried to redirect her to something other than my child, but instead of greeting us, she tried to step on Kate’s toes and then walked away.
Throughout the afternoon, Paige would try and play with my son. She would try everything but my son was pretty unresponsive to her and started crying on a few occasions. Paige nor David held my baby. Usually, I don’t mind when people try to have fun with my boy but Paige would just completely ignore Kate and me in favor of trying to entertain a one-year-old.
It got very awkward very quickly.
Kate left the room momentarily to go breastfeed and Paige asked her if she could watch or hold the baby since Kate is “clearly struggling.” (Her injury prevents her from breastfeeding, according to Paige.)
Kate politely declined, but I told Paige that she was grossly overstepping and that she was making me uncomfortable.
Unexpectedly, Paige started crying and left my house, with David quickly following suit.
Later on, Paige texted me. She explained that she started crying because we “had birthed the baby of her dreams,” and it was not fair for us to keep her from interacting with him.
She told us that we should apologize to her. I refused and blocked her number.
David called me and told me that I was being a jerk for no reason. He said that I don’t have to let her hold my baby, but I could be nicer to her.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
This is creepy. I would text David and tell him you are not going to apologize for setting boundaries and that she is creeping you out. I would absolutely show him the text she sent and tell him this makes you extremely uncomfortable and even worried. That she spent the whole night ignoring you and Kate and trying to interact with your baby, who clearly wanted nothing to do with her.
You could mention that you were sorry for the initial encounter when you first ran into her and didn’t recognize her, but everything after has been uncomfortable, creepy, and disrespectful.
That is very weird she wanted to follow and hold your child while your wife breastfed. The text she sent sounds insane.” melancholydreams13
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Paige’s behavior is really concerning and it’s definitely not something that YOU should be apologizing to HER about. If David was present for the whole thing and still thinks Paige is right, I guess that explains why they like each other – they’re both out to lunch.
Also, the phrasing is a bit unclear — was Paige asking if she could watch Kate breastfeed? If so, that’s absolutely unhinged behavior from a stranger. When the first one of my close friends had a baby I asked if I could watch a feeding because I was curious about how it worked and I’d never seen it before — but that was someone who I had known very well for a decade and I was already pretty sure she would say yes before I asked. Asking that question to someone you literally just met is… beyond.” fizzbangwhiz
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, and your friend David will understand soon enough when he breaks up with her. Just let this blow over and let him deal with that crazy woman because that’s drama you and your family don’t need right now. It sucks but sometimes our friends start thinking with the wrong head and it creates issues for everyone around them.
They can be mad at you all they want right now but something will happen and he will be forced to acknowledge her crazy crap, and he will probably apologize to you later on when he realizes how badly he screwed up by getting with her.” non-creativ3
10. AITJ For Tricking My Brother Into Thinking He's Housesitting?
“Sister-in-law is 30, we don’t really talk, but she and my wife are best friends, but from what I hear from my wife my brother is crappy as heck to her.
She works from home, provides financially.
High expectations from her husband. She must clean the bedroom every day, she has to wash his clothes, and prepare his next outfit for him for the next day.
She must clean, cook, grocery shop, take the kids to school and activities, oh she has to make herself look “presentable” (means that she must be covering her “fat”, makeup and hair done, and if not her “punishment” is no date night). He does nothing with his kids, from what my wife tells me if his wife tries to get him to do it ends in an argument because “he was working all day” and “just wants to relax” and can’t be bothered with -babysitting- HIS kids.
Whether he has kids or not, get over it you’re going to have to work either way it’s not a hard job it’s life and he’s acting like he has such a hard time doing what everyone else on the planet does, so much so that he can’t be bothered to parent.
My wife came to me and said she wanted to take his wife out to go do something for herself but he wouldn’t let her. She said she had called that night crying about him and wanted to take her out, but knew he wouldn’t let her.
So I said I could definitely keep him occupied. I asked him to house sit/babysit for a little while because my wife had to be out and I had an “early business thing” and the nanny can’t come today.
Eventually, he said yes, so, I asked him to watch the kids, feed them, we “didn’t get a chance” to clean and people are coming over tomorrow so he has to clean, really just had him do everything he makes her do.
And make it seem absolutely urgent. I came up with every excuse as to why he “had to do this for me and it would be such a big favor.”
He had a fit about it for a few but I just kinda said that it’s not so much it’s just simple daily tasks and I told him we would go out for dinner later.
She ended up going with my wife to a spa and whatever else they did, my “business trip” was me taking their kids on a fun day.
And when I got back to my house, it looked worse than when I had left, it had food all over the counters, he had stains all over his shirt, the kids had clearly made a mess everywhere, and when I walked in he was dead out of breath.
He looked a freaking mess like he hadn’t slept in days.
My wife laughed. My brother ended up figuring out what we did, and he was livid, tried yelling at my wife, then tried to accuse me of doing all this because I was “in love with his wife” (what the crap) and he said that it was utterly cruel to do this and waste his time like this, he had to work today, also got mad that his wife went to the spa.
But I guess I started questioning if I was the jerk when my parents got into the mix.
Was this misleading? Yes, but honestly, he deserved it, I just gave him everything he expected from his wife, and he couldn’t even SEPARATE THE LOADS.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You think you’ve taught him a lesson and you feel like a big man now but your brother is abusive. There’s no way he’s not going to punish his wife for joining in his humiliation. You’ve put her in danger, you’ve used both sets of kids as pawns to make your point, and you’ve achieved nothing except bumping up your own ego.
She has to live in that house. Do you think he went home chastened and promising to be better? No.
If you really want to help, talk to your brother like a man about the benefits of being an active father and having a healthy egalitarian relationship.
Or talk to your SIL and see what help she needs to get free.
I realize that doesn’t get you those sweet brownie points and people yelling about how he screwed around and found out, or god forbid marinara gosh darn flags. So it depends – do you want to be an actual good guy?
Or a hero?” anarmchairexpert
Another User Comments:
“Sorry, YTJ. Your brother is a horrible person, but you’re treating it like a little joke and banter. I know enough from your post alone his wife suffers right now through “the punishment” he chose for her for her betrayal.
Actually, I fully expected this story to go the way that you tricked him to be out of the house so she could stealthily move out and file for divorce. Instead, your wife just took her out to a spa day and nobody ever talked to her about how she really, really needs to divorce your brother and move out asap?
That’s simply not good enough because the situation is way worse than you seem to be willing to accept. Helping her in a way that leaves her in a toxic relationship where there will be retaliation for her “disobedience“ isn’t really helping at all.” MSAutarkia
Another User Comments:
“I vote justified jerk. Your SIL deserved some quality girl time out of the house, your brother deserves to suffer. But it was a jerk move. And yet I applaud you for it.
Now, work off that jerkness by helping your SIL get out of an abusive situation.
If she can’t leave the house without permission and is punished for not keeping up a specific standard of appearance, your brother is abusing her. There is no excuse for keeping silent in the face of this. You see it, you know it, now you can either be complicit by being silent, or you can work to affect change.
Talk with your wife to establish how much support you can give SIL. Then make sure SIL knows she has your support and what that means for when she decides that she doesn’t want to be misused anymore. Ensure that SIL and your wife have the ability to communicate, regardless of whatever shade your brother is throwing around.
If the situation allows, call your brother out on his crap. (Aka, only do this when SIL won’t pay for it.)” Cryptographer_Alone
9. AITJ For Telling My Landlord I Hate Her Kids?
“I (22F) rent a room in a 5-bedroom house. My landlord Alice (34F) lives downstairs with her 2 kids A(6F) and B(4M). Rent was cheap and I’m in college so.
Shortly after moving, I realized that Alice expected me to babysit for free while she runs her own business from home.
I don’t mind kids but I don’t babysit. Even if I wanted to between work and studies, I have no time. I made this clear before I moved in. I told her she could ask the other tenants. She said they were both men and had to work and that it made more sense to her for a girl to watch her kids.
(huh?)
A lil bit about her kids: They’re WILD. Zero manners and gross. Her son would climb on the dining table and start jumping near our food. He would pick his nose and stick his hands in everyone’s food. Since moving in, he has stepped on my food, peed in my potted plants, and rammed his bike into my ankle, giving me a tiny fracture.
(She allows him to ride his bike in the kitchen). Her daughter would keep screaming and banging on my door when I’m studying. She stole my shampoo and emptied the entire bottle into the drain. And I kid you not, in one of her tantrums, she pooped on the staircase right outside my room which I accidentally stepped on.
She never disciplined them. (These are just a few points)
I don’t blame these kids in any way for their behavior. They simply don’t know better as their mom neglects them the whole day to work on her business. She once didn’t feed them the entire day and I ended up having to feed her kids despite being exhausted from work.
I have asked her to mind them countless times but she always plays the single mom card. For the record, she’s not a single mom. Her husband lives 5min away and the house is actually in his name. He pays for everything.
I put up with this crap for 6 months until one day I lost it when I found her son had completely destroyed the cake I baked for my partner’s birthday.
I think I unleashed all the pent-up frustration on her. She said if I really cared about her kids I would understand how hard it is to raise them. I said I don’t give a crap about her kids. If anything I hated them for making my home life miserable.
She started screaming and fake crying telling me how hard her life is as a single mom working full time. I ignored her, packed my stuff, and left for a friend’s place.
I’m currently making other living arrangements but my words are kinda haunting me.
I don’t really hate her kids. I actually feel sorry for them that their mum can’t be bothered to raise them right. I’ve lived with kids before and I’ve never ever felt this sort of resentment. None of my previous landlords allowed their kids to run wild like this.
I guess I feel guilty for my poor choice of words in my fit of anger. So came here to see if my anger was justified or do I need to apologize to her? AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I think anyone in that situation would snap eventually, and as long as the children didn’t hear your words, it was very understandable given the circumstances.
To clear your conscience you could talk to her or write her a letter and clarify that you don’t actually hate the kids. What you hate is her poor parenting and you hate watching how her neglect is harming those children. You hate her unwillingness to take any responsibility for her own children.
You also hate being exploited for unpaid childcare and being told you have some special obligation just because of your gender. Also, most single mothers don’t forget to FEED their children while working from home all day! Lots of single mothers work full-time and still parent their children.
Those kids are probably acting out in extreme ways because they’ve learned that it’s the only way anyone will give them any attention or remember that they even exist. It’s heartbreaking that they’re resorting to breaking things and pooping in order to get any acknowledgment from their mother.
I bet if she’d just pay attention to them, love them, and feed them like any responsible parent, the extreme tantrums would stop.
I wonder if her husband or any other family members could help watch the kids? Does her husband know how bad their behavior is and how she isn’t even feeding her children consistently?
You might consider telling him because maybe she’s minimizing it to him.” leaf_scorpionfish
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for just taking this and not reporting this extreme neglect. Call the authorities. This is an extreme case, children are not being fed and are causing property damage and injury.” LexsZoo
Another User Comments:
“I will never understand why people have children when they are not willing to make the necessary sacrifices. I knew early on children were not for me, no matter how much I may have wanted them. It seems to me that the children were just a checkmark without considering if she had the time and the resources to properly care for them.
Do not let her guilt trip you, you are NTJ. She needs to get her act together and work out an arrangement with their father to provide the needed care.” Teresabooks
8. AITJ For Refusing To Work Late Since We Aren't Allowed Overtime?
Paying overtime is not an option.
“I work as an event coordinator at an establishment I’d rather not name.
My job is to sell/create events for kids’ birthday parties, adult events, etc.
Our boss used to allow us all the overtime we wanted. But a few weeks ago, she sent us a text saying, “Moving forward. No one is permitted to work outside of their scheduled times.
We are no longer able to have overtime.”
Most of our sales are done over the phone, but sometimes people will come in person to tour the facility and to discuss the event they want to have. These conversations can take anywhere between 30 minutes all the way up to an hour sometimes.
Sometimes, a customer will come in to book an event when I’m clocking out. But even if we were allowed overtime, I have a life outside of work. I cannot stay 30 minutes late at a moment’s notice.
Tonight, it was just my boss and me in the office and it was 6:59 pm (I get off at 7 pm) when a family walks in to book a birthday party.
So I politely asked the family to take a seat and to wait one moment. Then I went into my boss’s office to ask her if she would like to see the family or if she would rather I take their info and call them tomorrow morning.
She got mad and said she couldn’t believe I’d been, “turning people away” instead of staying late to help them. I apologized and told her I know we aren’t allowed to work overtime any longer and I told her that I couldn’t stay late tonight because I had plans (that was a lie).
So she started helping them (I heard her tell them the office was closed though) and I clocked out and got in my car.
Soon after I left, she calls me to complain about what I did. I politely explain to her that I schedule my personal life around the schedule she gives us and that I cannot stay late at a moment’s notice because I have things going on outside of work.
I also referenced the fact that she told us we are no longer allowed to go over 40 hours.
She said we’ll have to change my schedule around so that I can stay late when I need to. I asked her if she was going to cut my hours (something she just did to my co-worker because she was mad at him) but she said she’ll have to make my shifts different times.
I told her that even if I get off at 5 pm, if I have to be somewhere after work, I won’t be able to stay late.
She said she has to do what’s best for the company and that we’ll have to have a conversation tomorrow.
So I took a screenshot of the text she sent us telling us that overtime is no longer allowed.
I have never been late for work and I never leave early. During our last 2 meetings, she told me that I’ve been doing a great job.
So I think it’s more than reasonable that I leave when my shift is over. Those are the hours we agreed to, so those are the hours I’m prepared for.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
If your company doesn’t authorize overtime, you literally can’t work overtime.
It would be fraud. Your plans outside of work don’t factor into it.
It does, however, sound like your boss would have given you overtime to do this task. It’s not super clear. It sounds like you work at the sort of place where your boss may not fully understand the rules about overtime.
Two other things. First, good managers schedule staff for past “closing time” if they want to be able to stay open a few minutes for straggling customers. That’s entirely on your boss to communicate expectations in advance. Your boss was caught with her pants down – sorta… she was able to help the customers, so why did she want to pay you to stay late?
Weird, and mostly speaks to inexperience.
Cutting your hours in retaliation for going home on time is probably illegal.” Rojaddit
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
She probably went over the budget (or maybe the VP or CFO or some other supervisor did) and noticed that they were ending up in the red more often than not, and needed to cut somewhere.
The easiest place to cut back is when it comes to staffing and OT hours. So they figured they could cap OT, or cut it out altogether, but still rely on their employees to do the same amount of work. That’s not how it works.
If 4 employees were each working 50 hours a week, getting 10 hours of OT a week, and now they can’t do that anymore, then they need to change something. Hire a 5th person to cover the missing hours. Change shifts and hours so that even though the event center closes at 7, someone is contracted to stay until 7:30 (as part of their regular hours), just in case.
Either way, it’s not your problem. Your boss is trying to keep the same level of product and performance while paying a lot less for it. That’s not how it should work. You are entitled to leave when you are scheduled to leave, whether or not you have plans that night.
Go home and put your feet up after you’ve put in your 8 hours.” NotSoAverage_sister
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, of course.
You can point out to her that even if you did work unpaid overtime, you would still be able to file a claim for unpaid overtime X months after the fact (X depends on where you are.
In Florida it’s two years so X=24 months).
If you like the job & usually like her, you can suggest a flex schedule i.e. some variation on 9-hour days 4 days a week + 4 hours the 5th leaving someone else to cover the remaining 4+ hours of the 5th day.
Or a staggered shift: someone could come in 2 hours later & leave 2 hours later.
If you get the “team player” speech though start looking for work. Nothing good ever came of management asking people to stay late when they themselves won’t.” schnitzeldehuahua
7. AITJ For Expecting My Partner To Take Me On Her Vacation With Her?
“So I have a significant other. We’ve been a couple for two years, one year together, and one 700km away.
First year, I was mostly at hers because she was studying all day and we couldn’t hang out.
Second year, I took a train subscription to go see her whenever I could. This ended up being like 3 weekends a month.
End of the second year, she had to find 3-4 internships for the months of May to August. Our anniversary is in July, so asked her if she could find one back here to be together.
When she got one she made me feel guilty, because it was a company that has not much in common with what she studied.
A few days later, I asked her where she was going to sleep during this month, her parent’s house being far from downtown.
She offered that she sleeps at mine. I was so happy that I could be with her for that long, leaving the weekends for her own business.
Didn’t go as planned. She visited me once a week. I told her I disliked it, she told me she felt fine, and thought we were both enjoying what we lived.
Fast forward, asked what she had planned for August. Like every year she goes to her dad’s chalet in Beaufort. She told me that she was going for 3 weeks. So I asked if we could do something during the first week, she made me understand that I couldn’t plan more than that week because she needs her 3 weeks.
Things came up, couldn’t travel, still spent time together.
At some point, one of her long-time friends offered to go camping. A few days later, asked: “So I cannot plan something over Beaufort, but your friend can?” She replied that it was so rare her friends plan things like this with her, she couldn’t say no. To this day, I barely get a text a day.
During September, she will be going on vacation in Spain with a bunch of friends from her college. They are mostly boys and one girl. She met them last October. Knowing them for a single year and in a span of 2-3 months, she already had two trips with them lasting a weekend, whereas in the two years of our relationship, we never got one.
I asked her if I could go with them. At first, she told me “we will see” if they got enough room for one more. (Very small house mostly made of beds). Then I heard some of her friends starting to cancel. So I asked, “Do you have some room for me now?” She repeated, “we will see.” I replied, “as you can SEE, you have at least one free space.”
She then said to me “you know, I planned it as a friends trip.”
I reminded her that when I was planning a friends trip, she asked if she could come to which I immediately said yes. (Didn’t happen due to school)
She then replied, “that’s true… but I don’t think you’ll enjoy the trip with us.” I asked her why and she came up with more excuses.
I kept replying that it was fine either way until she eventually said yes, but not a very meaningful one.
I then told her I didn’t want to come just to feel like I’m not supposed to be there. I feel so sad that she just doesn’t want me.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But the bad news is: she is not that into you.
And she proves it by not making any effort to spend time with you, letting you do all the traveling to be together, deciding that she will stay at your place during her internship and not actually doing it, and not including you in her summer plans.
The camping trip with friends takes the cake. Sorry to say it, but she really, really does not want you there. “I will answer later/one day?” “Friends only” when you could share this with your friends AND partner? Please… Do not ask her anything ever again.
So, with that, you should do yourself a huge favor, stop trying with her, and make yourself available for someone who will truly appreciate you and show it to you, and give you the time, attention, and kindness you deserve.” Sarcasticalopias
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but I have to agree with everyone else here, she’s not invested in the relationship anymore.
Sometimes people just grow apart. Some people just can’t handle long-distance relationships and the spark just fizzles out. She seems to keep you around because she doesn’t really have a reason to break up with you, she doesn’t want to bring up the tough conversation and/or be lonely.
You have to be ready for the potential of her meeting someone else which usually will get the break-up rolling.” asianingermany
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sorry you’re dealing with this. Another perspective aside from the one that she just doesn’t care is that she’s just taking you for granted. The more you lean in, the more she leans out.
You can see this play out a lot in relationships where one partner has an anxious attachment style and the other is more avoidant. It’s hard to tell which is the case from your post, but either way cutting the cord will break the cycle and offer clarity.
If she doesn’t care as much, it will become obvious when you break up with her, and you can free yourself up for someone who treats you like a priority. If she does care, that will be a wake-up call for her to realize how she’s been treating you, and she can either completely change her ways or risk losing you.
But either way, you need to stop begging for a crumb of attention and be willing to walk away.” zabrazar
6. AITJ For Not Contributing More Toward The Treatment For My Nephew's Rare Disease?
You can only give what you can afford.
“One of my nephews was born with a rare disease. He has almost no mobility and cannot speak or eat on his own. The disease has no cure, though there are treatments to help the symptoms. (For privacy I won’t go into more detail.)
So far all of his treatment and medicine have been covered by the healthcare system. My sister and brother-in-law haven’t had to pay anything themselves. There is an experimental treatment recently developed in another country. However, as it is new and experimental it isn’t covered by the healthcare system.
The treatment is costly, they are unsure if it would work, and even if it does he would likely need it again in the future.
I do not have children but I understand that my sister and brother-in-law would do anything they could. They have been fundraising to pay the costs.
I have given them all I can spare. I got a refund for a trip I was supposed to take soon and gave that as well. I love my nephew to the ends of the earth. I gave them a five-figure sum to go towards their costs.
I’m told it isn’t enough. I’ve been asked to both refinance my home and sell my boat. Other family members are going to what I consider extreme lengths. If it’s their choice that’s fine. But I cannot possibly do what they are asking. It is far, far into six figures that my nephew needs.
My home’s total price was only in the five-figure range. They have already appealed the healthcare system’s decision and lost.
None of my family has much but we are all giving what we can. I resent being asked to go to these lengths though. One of my brothers and his wife have sold their house and moved into a smaller rental. My dad gave up on retiring.
My cousin gave them all the finances she had set aside for school. I gave everything I could but I’m getting calls and even visits telling me it’s not enough.
I thought I was making the right decision by saying I can’t give anything else but given that my entire family is against me I am rethinking it.
My sister called my parents in tears when I said no to refinancing my house leading to a terse call from my brother-in-law. AITJ for not wanting to give more.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It is horrid your nephew was born with such a condition, but it is entirely inappropriate for your sister to expect you to bankrupt your life and go into debt.
You mentioned the treatment is in the 6 figures and likely would need another treatment again, even if it was successful.
The fact that your sister and extended family do not have enough finances for one of the experimental treatments, without harassing family members, and additional treatments are likely, is enough proof to show they cannot afford it.
As hard as it may be to realize, they do not have the funds for this treatment. Instead, they could focus on making wonderful memories with your nephew.” KarenMaca
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Questions I would want to be answered before giving a single penny:
Has Nephew been accepted into the experimental treatment program? If he hasn’t, people may have sold their houses for nothing. Usually with experimental treatments that are part of a research study, patients have to meet certain criteria.
What is the current success rate of the treatment?
Are there any adverse side effects of the treatment? What percentage of improvement can be expected with the treatment?
And I hate to have to add this–but has anyone checked into this treatment to make sure it isn’t a scam? In most cases, if a treatment is experimental, then it is undergoing a clinical research study.
And that means it is still available only to people selected to be in the study for the treatment. Usually, study participants do not pay the costs for the treatments, They may have to pay transportation and hotel costs if they live far away, but they do not pay for the medications/surgery/therapy.
If the treatment is readily available to anyone who can pay, then it should be past the stages of being experimental.” krankykitty
5. AITJ For Threatening To Move Out Of My Mother's Home When She Depends On My Rent?
“I (f19) live with my mother, she owns the house. I am studying at university full-time and do babysitting on the side for some extra income.
During holidays I work full-time seasonal jobs.
My older brother Mark (m25) and his partner Zoe (f24) moved back in with our mother around two months ago as they had financial problems and couldn’t afford rent.
Mark works full-time as a bartender, and Zoe is unemployed. Zoe is around 4 months pregnant with their first child and refuses to get a job and gets very defensive if the subject is brought up.
She wants to be a SAHM and says that her pregnancy makes it too difficult to work, she had an office job prior to getting pregnant but quit the job as soon as she found out she was pregnant. I personally think Zoe is lazy but I haven’t said anything to her about it.
I really dislike living with Zoe. She never cleans up her own messes, eats MY food and uses MY toiletries that I paid for, and is always hogging the TV. I know these are petty complaints but when I’ve had a long day of lectures and work I don’t want to come home to this.
Here’s where I had my last straw with Zoe.
Last week, when my mother and Mark were both working night shifts, I was asleep in bed. Zoe woke me up by shaking me at around 3 am, begging me to drive her to this very specific Chinese food takeout place as she was having cravings.
I was pretty mad and told her to drive herself.
Zoe said she was too tired to drive and kept pestering me. Not only was it 3 am, WHEN MOST PEOPLE ARE ASLEEP, but I had to wake up at 6 am to go to one of my babysitting jobs and Zoe knew this as my schedule is pretty consistent.
I yelled at Zoe to get out of my room and told her “I’m not your freaking servant, find someone who cares.” This made Zoe cry, but I was so tired I immediately fell back asleep as soon as she left.
When I got home from my babysitting job, Mark was really mad at me and said that my reaction was dramatic, and said I should apologize to Zoe.
I refused because I think most people would’ve reacted the same way.
Since that incident, Zoe has been doing things to intentionally irritate me. She’s been using excessive amounts of my toiletries (which I now keep in my room with the door locked), blasting the TV when I’m trying to sleep, and even cut holes in one of my jackets and lied and said my mother’s dog chewed it.
I don’t want to walk on eggshells in my own home, especially when I pay rent and contribute to bills and Mark and Zoe don’t.
I told my mother about what’s been going on and said that if Zoe (with or without Mark) isn’t out of the house by December, I’ll be moving out.
My mother depends on my rent and me contributing to bills, so by December, if they haven’t moved out yet, she’d either have to demand rent from Mark and Zoe or kick them out.
Everyone thinks I’m being heartless but I’m just fed up.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Zoe is.
She takes your things, vandalizes your things, and thinks it’s reasonable to wake you up in the middle of the night to wait on her while leaving messes all over for others to take responsibility for and making sure to be noisy and rude while you are asleep.
She’s toxic. She’s entitled. She’s not a healthy person to be around. She doesn’t care about your needs at all. Sounds like her definition of SAHM is to do nothing all day, not to do the job of cleaning and caring for other people. She could be doing this now, but she’s not.
I suspect she is going to use the baby like she’s using the pregnancy: to get other people to do all the work for her.
Your ultimatum is reasonable. It would also be reasonable to not wait but to move out sooner.
I’m concerned for you and your stuff, being around Zoe for another several months.
She’s already done deliberate damage to one of your things. She could very easily do this again and again if you have things in other rooms, or in storage around the house. How much can you afford to replace, if she goes on a spree against you, or gets mad at you for something and takes revenge?
What if she figures out how to unlock your door while you are gone someday? Normal people do not cut holes in your clothes. She’s not healthy to be around.” blueberryyogurtcup
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
This is ridiculous. If your Mom is ok with Zoe and Mark being there, that’s her choice as the homeowner.
However, as non-contributors to the household, they get choices made for them and do not get to dictate to the homeowner or tenants.
There need to be new rules that take effect immediately and no, Zoe and Mark may voice their opinions but are pretty much stuck with “take it or leave it”.
No more going into your room for any reason. No making noise during whatever quiet times you and your mother set. No taking anything that doesn’t belong to them.
I don’t think it will work. Zoe seems to think that she gets to decide what other people get to do with their things.
However, it might make your mother less uncomfortable kicking them out if they refuse to comply with reasonable expectations.
Mark and Zoe have the right to decide if they should both work or if he will be the only one who is employed. However, they do not have the right to demand that anyone else subsidize their choices.
If only Mark works and bartending isn’t enough to live on, then he has to find another job and do whatever he needs to pay his own way as an adult.” latents
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Unless Zoe has a doctor’s note saying she cannot work, then she is capable of doing so.
It’s fine to want to be a SAHM, but do they plan on living rent-free with mom long-term? I worked full-time and attended undergrad and grad school full-time through two pregnancies and raising my babies after their respective births (also battled pre-natal and post-natal depression, but that’s a different story).
She is choosing to make your life heck and acting like a child (cutting holes in your jacket and demanding a ride at 3 am).
I personally wouldn’t wait until December. Are you able to get housing on campus or find an apartment with roommates? You deserve to be comfortable in your own home without helping pay for an entire household’s living expenses.” Admirable-Fuel-71
4. AITJ For Crushing My Wife's Dream Of Opening A Bakery?
I think a great compromise would be her starting a home-based bakery.
“I want to preface this with my (30M) wife (28) and I have been married for 6 years.
I love her so much. She’s an amazing human being. She goes out of her way to make everyone around us happy. She is the best mom to our son. We have a baby on the way (don’t know what it is yet), and we couldn’t be happier.
That being said.
My wife has ADHD as well as autism. So she has special interests but also the attention span of a sparrow. She’s incredibly impulsive and spontaneous, and usually, there’s no harm done, but she’ll spend sometimes hundreds of dollars on a new interest of hers, and then forget it exists.
It’ll come in cycles. Recently, she’s gone back to baking, which is a regular occurrence for her. She loves it, gets sick of it, stops doing it, and starts again a few months later.
Recently she’s been sticking to it far more often. Her designs were never the best, but it always tasted pretty good.
But recently she dropped a bombshell on me that I couldn’t really process. She made some cookies for me after work and set them on the table, and asked to talk. She then said she wanted to open a bakery.
I was shocked. A bakery?
With what source of funding? I work paycheck to paycheck and we have a toddler with a baby coming. A loan she said. A loan? A 30,000 buck loan? How would we pay that off? With the profit from the bakery. Great. Do you know how to manage a business?
Do you have the licenses? Do you have a location in mind? More importantly, we just moved to Korea and you can’t speak Korean yet, how do you intend to take orders?
She’s done this before with various jobs. I call her the most certified woman in the world jokingly with all the classes she obsessively takes.
She’s certified in several different professions, mostly working with animals because she loves them so much. I’ve always backed her 100% on her interests. But I just can’t help but be realistic here. None of her certifications became a job. And now, we live in Korea, where no one uses private bakeries, we all go to Tous Les Jours and Paris Baguette.
We don’t want novelty, we want uniformity, familiarity, and the promise of quality a large company will have. I told her as such. A huge fight ensued. This was her dream. She’s wanted it as a kid (I did confirm this because her younger siblings talk frequently about how she sold cupcakes at Central Park when she grew up in New York).
But I was here saying we can’t just jump into a business loan only to put ourselves in debt for the rest of our lives with no success to show for it. She won’t talk to me now. She’s currently asleep in our son’s room while I’m here pondering.
My family called me a jerk for not letting her at least try. But trying could have catastrophic consequences not just for us but for our son. What the heck do I do? AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No, you’re NTJ.
I can relate to your wife, though my own cycles don’t seem quite as extreme or expensive.
But it’s one thing to sink a few hundred dollars here and there for supplies or education to support your interest, another to sink a few thousand into making an interest into a side hustle, and still another to expect to sink what is (sadly) almost double the yearly income for a federal minimum wage worker in the US into a business for which she lacks many fundamental skills.
Especially without a safety net.
However, you can still support her dream. Sit down with her and let her know that you want her to be able to follow her dreams but that it has to be done in a way that’s best for the family.
Together, start a savings account for funds to be used as part of the capital for a future business. Help her identify skills she lacks that are necessary for launching and running a business, and then work together to find opportunities for gaining those skills.
Encourage her to start a blog and start building a social media presence as a baker (great launchpad for a business!).
The most important thing is that you refrain from bringing up how often she changes interests or a fear that she may borrow tens of thousands of dollars only to lose interest. She needs to know you love and support her — not be reminded of any insecurities she may have.
Good luck!” 13thcomma
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m ASD/ADHD and have run a couple of very small and low-key businesses in the past (coincidentally in animals & baking) because it’s honestly hard to get steady ‘standard’ employment for a lot of ADHDers.
My father really pushed running a business on me because I always got excited about new projects and went deep into research, etc. But the reality is relentless, exhausting, and mostly full of things that I’m really not that enthusiastic about. And for both ASD & ADHD if the enthusiasm is not there it’s going to be like pulling teeth to routinely accomplish all the back-end business stuff, as you clearly understand.
Since she’ll need to write a business plan anyway for a loan of that size, have her start there and I suspect that will be a self-limiter. If not, a home-based catering business is the next step. For me, actually trying to manage and fill varied baking orders on top of recipe development and back-end management was more than I could manage even with help from my partner after his day job.
Whatever the path, she needs to come to this realization on her own.
It’s very frustrating when you’re ND to feel excited and motivated about all kinds of things, but then struggle to start & keep a career like we’re told is the expectation by the end of your 20s, and she’s probably trying to find a way through that.” backcountry_knitter
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
You are absolutely right, but being supportive, nurturing her dreams, and finding ways to meet her goals is a primary part of being in a relationship.
Yes – you know what is going to happen.
But you also know it is what she wants to do, and that she will probably want to do it regardless of the logic behind your arguments.
Help her.
Yes, be realistic. Expect the worst. But help her try to be the best. Try to help her accomplish this by some reasonable method.
You married her for the person that she is and wants to be.
This is a part of that.
And yeah – You are probably right, but she doesn’t need right – she needs a partner that is supportive, helpful, and encouraging.
That’s the part that makes you a jerk right now.” Liquid_Wolf
Another User Comments
“As her partner, don’t completely shut the idea down, but set realistic expectations.
You’re not prepared to risk a 30k loan at this point in your family life, but you’ve pointed out steps she needs to take to get there, so focus on that. Ticking things off a checklist is very nice on an ADHD brain, and it sounds like she is able to follow through with some of her interests if she’s completing courses, rather than starting and abandoning them.
(She sounds like superwoman to me, I get distracted by something shiny and I’m off.) So first she needs to learn the lingo, surely there’s a course for that. She needs to research the local area for suppliers of ingredients, find out legal regulations and local industry standards in terms of kitchen equipment, etc. Creating a business plan.
Even doing this stuff from home isn’t easy, and running a baking business in a home where toddlers’ meals are cooked is a nightmare in my opinion, but some people love it. There are so many moving parts to consider, which I guess is the point of your frustration.
Instead of looking at it from an overwhelming, immediate, place, each of these things takes time to achieve. She absolutely can do it, but it’s gonna be a slow process that requires sustained effort for each part. Make a list together and watch superwoman check the list off!
In a year’s time maybe she will be in a better position to start the business, or she may do the research required and find that it isn’t sustainable. Either way, she’ll have some new skills.
Nobody’s a jerk, you absolutely don’t need to risk 30k debt to support this and your frustration is completely understandable, but she isn’t a jerk for getting a little carried away due to unmedicated neurodiversity.
You’re somebody that may be able to help keep that in check. By refusing to be half responsible for a large debt you could be supporting her in actually achieving this goal rather than going too hard and hitting the floor. Try to be diplomatic though, it hurts when somebody close sounds like they don’t think you’re good enough at something to succeed at it.
(I’m sure that’s not what you said or meant, but I’ve misinterpreted that message before and maybe that’s how she heard it.)” SuccessfulNote6543
3. AITJ For Refusing To Help Out My Pregnant 21-Year-Old Daughter Who's Unemployed?
“My daughter Lucy is unemployed, doesn’t have any higher education level, and still lives with us. She does however have her high school diploma. She always ends up home intoxicated with some guy and friends. She’s been living in our house rent-free. On top of that, she just found out she was pregnant.
Lucy has no idea who the father could be and doesn’t want to get rid of the baby.
When she announced her pregnancy, I was livid. I was not happy or proud, I was disappointed.
Well, she expects us to let her live here with a baby, and be a stay-at-home mom.
I told her there was no way in heck this would happen. I was very clear on this. I told her that if she wanted to stay, she would have to get rid of the baby. And then after that, get a job and/or go to college or university and find something for her future and then start having kids if she wants to.
If she was gonna keep that baby, I was gonna tell her to go find somewhere else to live. She cried. Called me a jerk and stormed out of the room.
She’s been staying at a friend’s house for a week now and has not talked to me.
I don’t wanna make it up to her. I might be wrong here, but I don’t give a crap. Seriously, she wants that baby? Fine, but I’m not gonna deal with all the crap. She needs to find a job, she needs to get crap going cause I’m not gonna provide for her forever.
I did for 21 years of my life and I’m done. She’s gotta deal with the consequences of her own actions. I don’t want to be stuck with a baby and I know darn well I’ll end up being the mom. I don’t want that.
I’m almost 40 and my husband (her dad) and I want to move to another state because I could have an amazing teaching job there and I don’t want her stupid decisions ruining that for me. She’s a smart woman. She could definitely find a great job.
Her dad agrees with the job part but thinks I shouldn’t kick her out. Maybe that’s where I’m wrong but I think it’s the right way to handle this. I love her so much, but she’s an adult. She wasn’t careful, and she chose to keep that baby.
It’s her own choice. In my opinion, if you want to have babies, have them when you’re stable enough to provide for them. I was 18 when I had Lucy. I was in college and my husband and I were together at the time.
We sure did get help, but we did this together and we worked very hard. I paid for the help I got, got my college degree, went to university, and am now a teacher. That with the help of the love of my life. Because yes, I chose to have kids with the person I love.
Not a random guy that I don’t even know.
It’s her choice, I’m not gonna force her to do anything, but my boundaries are set.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
There’s nothing wrong with kicking someone out for being dead weight.
At some point, people have to learn to stand on their own, and if they refuse to GROW UP and do that, then that’s on them, not you.
You would be the jerk if you kicked them out because they cannot find work and are actually trying, but from what it sounds like, they’re a parasite and nobody wants that.
As much as it is a parent’s “job” to love their child, there is only so much love you can provide before you get walked all over and disrespected.
Remember, you cannot coddle her forever, at some point she needs to stand on her own two feet, and if she refused to grow as an individual, then no amount of “motherly love” will help her, it’ll simply boost an ego into “I can keep screwing up and my family will protect me.”” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She’s pregnant and 21 so time for her to grow up. I do agree with your husband that kicking her out will only make her situation worse but definitely understand your point. Letting her stay at home does not mean you paying for her or being free childcare.
This is her pregnancy and potential baby so she’s 100% responsible for it. Set boundaries of a job, any job to pay for her personal expenses and the baby’s. Set a timeline for her to move out and let her know you’ll emotionally support her but you will not be raising your grandchild unless she’s incapacitated or gone.
If she really wants to have this child talk about adoption. Without a father, no job, and limited financial resources that would be the best option for her. No, this does not mean you or any other relatives adopting the baby because that’s even more drama no one needs.” WinEquivalent4069
Another User Comments:
“ESH. OP, you raised your child and enabled them to this point in their life. Yes she screwed up and I’m sure regrets it and is terrified of what her life will be like now, but you make it sound like her getting rid of the baby should be easily the only option.
Giving up a baby is traumatizing and it’s her decision. I guarantee she wishes her mother would remember for just 2 minutes you love her and are there for her. You trying to force her into getting rid of the child will not end well for any of you if that’s not what she wants but feels pressured into it.
EVEN IF IT MAY BE FOR THE BEST.
Have you congratulated her at all and told her she will make a good mom or have you crapped on her continuously. Kind of rich coming from a teen mom.
Of course YNTJ for being devastated and angry, but dang, that’s your child.
Don’t make your love conditional and too little too late to lay down the law now on going to school etc. when that should have been done years ago. Have some faith in your child and she may surprise you. Guide her through this and make sure your new grandbaby has the best life possible, and of course, the whole STAHM thing is ridiculous, but I mean why would she think differently when she has been basically doing that all these years, lol.” sgray1919
2. AITJ For Screaming At My Mom's Partner For Not Taking Care Of His Own Son?
“For context, my (15f) mom (36f) has raised me and my brother (12m) alone since my dad was pretty much a deadbeat, so last year she had met a guy at a bar (26m) who she quickly started a relationship with and he moved in almost immediately.
I didn’t talk to him much at first, but he started to talk to me more, but he was a total jerk, so I didn’t talk to him much anymore.
So, now to the point, he has a son Robbie (2m) who visits us on weekends.
He is adorable and I love him so much but he gets exhausting sometimes. My mom and her partner usually wake up around 1 pm (mind you they didn’t have jobs at the time so they weren’t tired from work) when the son usually wakes up around 6, that’s when I’m usually awake so I have to watch him.
I don’t mind it but they expect me to have to take care of him all the time and if one thing goes wrong it’s always my fault. I make him breakfast, I change his diaper, etc.
On this day, I made pancakes for me and Robbie for breakfast. After we ate, I was in his room which he shares with my brother.
I was on the PS4 that my brother and I share. Robbie was in his bed watching some kids’ show I put on for him so I thought I could just play my game and it’d be fine. 15 mins later, I decided to go check on him but he wasn’t in his bed. I go out into the kitchen to look for him and there was pancake mix all over the floor.
I had accidentally left the mix on the counter and he had gotten into it. I start freaking out while he’s on the ground, covered in it. I wake up my mom and she starts yelling at me for letting him get to it. She wakes up her partner and instead of helping us clean up or even just cleaning Robbie up, he takes him into the living room and watches Cocomelon with him leaving me and my mom to clean the kitchen.
I was pretty upset but I didn’t say anything bc I knew if I did I’d just get yelled at.
So, after the kitchen was clean, I got blamed but I didn’t know he could climb chairs and get access to the counter, otherwise, I wouldn’t have left the mix out.
My mom’s partner kept making comments saying “you should’ve been watching him better” to which I responded, “well it was an accident but I should’ve put the mix away though, that was my fault.” To which he responds, “or maybe you shouldn’t have left the mix on the floor.” I turned around, got in his face, and started screaming at him, “WELL MAYBE YOU SHOULD’VE HELPED US CLEAN THE MESS UP OR BETTER YET YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN WATCHING HIM.
HE’S NOT MY SON AND HE’S NOT MOM’S SO WHY WERE WE THE ONES CLEANING? I NEVER ASKED TO WATCH HIM AND BY THE WAY, I DIDN’T LEAVE IT ON THE FLOOR HE CLIMBED ON THE COUNTERS BECAUSE YOU TAUGHT HIM HOW TO CLIMB ON THE CHAIRS AND YOU SHOULD START TAKING MORE RESPONSIBILITY FOR HIM,” and I walked away.
My mom told me I should apologize to him and I did but he never apologized to me, I don’t think I was in the wrong though so idk, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You were very much in the right to point out that the two-year-old is indeed not your child and that the responsibility of taking care of him shouldn’t be on your shoulders.
You tried to diffuse the situation by admitting that you should have left the pancake mix elsewhere, but that was met with snarky comments.
To me, it seems that your mom’s partner is immature and possibly unable to take care of his child. Just because you are theoretically capable of looking after a toddler isn’t a good reason to just leave you to it while he stays in bed until the afternoon.
Your mother might be defending her partner because she doesn’t want to get into an argument with him. Talk to her and explain what the situation looks like from your perspective. Perhaps she’ll come around and realize that her partner is in the wrong here, not you.” KontroleurVerbrugge
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Stop watching him. When he wakes up at 6 am bring him into your mother and her partner’s room. Put his son on the bed between them, walk out closing the door behind you. Rinse and repeat. Your mother and her partner will yell at you so be prepared.
However, do not feel guilty. If you can, after putting him with them leave. Go for a walk, go to the library if it’s nearby, go get a small coffee, do not be available.
Now, this advice is for the worst-case scenario; if this doesn’t work, get in contact with Robbie’s mother.
Have her pick him up. When your mother and her partner ask where Robbie is and why tell them. “He’s with his mother. He’s meant to be spending the weekend with his dad but he isn’t and I am not his parent.”
This is the nuclear option. It will result in loud screaming from your mother and her partner. But the thing is, you are in a situation where you can’t win so if they’re going to be livid at you at least you can unburden yourself of Robbie.
You are 15, this is no life for you. You deserve better and you’re going to have to fight for it. No more apologies. Robbie is not your responsibility. If he makes a mess when they’re not watching that’s their problem, do not lift a finger.
Act as though whatever mess Robbie has made is invisible.
Lastly, if you do have other family, aunts/uncles/grandparents, contact them. Reach out for help if you can. Even the family of a friend to see if they can help.” Foreverforgettable
Another User Comments:
“ESH – Your mom and her partner both suck for not watching the kid, but especially the partner. And although I don’t think you said anything wrong I think we both know that it’s never ok to scream in someone’s face. And it’s counterproductive to get your point across because they will never actually listen to you if you are screaming.
I recommend apologizing for your behavior, but not your words and asserting that you should not be responsible for the child in any capacity.” yahomeboysatan
1. AITJ For Getting Upset That My Partner Didn't Like The Birthday Gift I Got Him?
“It’s my significant other’s (27M) birthday and I wanted to get him something that he’d really like. We’re in a long-distance relationship and it’s hard to buy him things online, so I decided to make him an audiobook.
I know he regularly listened to audiobooks, and he loves to study the Bible, so I made an audiobook of me reading him the Gospel of Matthew (where his favorite passage is), with music in the background, spent money to commission illustrations, etc. I was hoping that he’d like it since he usually stays up late to copy or analyze the texts, and he often has headaches as well as problems with his eyes because of that (they hurt when he reads something for too long or in unfavorable condition).
Well, it’s his birthday and after wishing him a happy birthday, I sent him my gift (link to the audiobook). I was already nervous not only because I don’t know whether he’d like it, but also because I’m an atheist and I don’t know if he’d be offended that I read this.
His initial reaction was to laugh. Then, he asked me if I was reading the Bible, why I chose that part, and if I understood anything. He proceeds to say that I should read the Bible from the beginning because I wouldn’t understand anything if I read it from the middle.
He says he doesn’t understand why I’m reading this, what is it for? If I wanted to make him an audiobook I should have read the whole thing instead of just a small part (I said it was too long since this is already a 3-hour audiobook).
He then said, and I quote “Look, I appreciate that you spent time to make this, but I have no use for this since you’re just reading like a robot without understanding anything. I don’t even know if you chose a translation that I like.”
Here’s where I might be the jerk. I was feeling very hurt by his words, so I started an argument, telling him that it’s alright that he doesn’t like my gift and I’ll just trash it. I deleted the link to the audiobook from the chat since he said he wouldn’t listen to it and told him that I’ll get him another gift. He tried to tell me to not be mad but I was too upset by then.
He keeps telling me to try to read the Bible from the start to the end and started quizzing me on some lines in the book to prove to me that I don’t understand what I read at all. I told him to quit it and that I had enough of his Bible, and he hasn’t said anything since.
Later on, when I calmed down, I felt bad that we argued on his birthday so I apologized to him. He still hasn’t replied to my message (but maybe he’s asleep since it’s quite late where he is).
So, Internet, AITJ for starting an argument with my significant other on his birthday and offending his religious belief?
(half of our mutual friends are saying that I’m the jerk because he didn’t ask for this gift and I should have swallowed it down since it’s his birthday, and I’m starting to feel like they’re right about this).”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You are not compatible – he is always going to keep trying to change you when you try to be thoughtful and considerate of his beliefs.
Because at heart, people that want to convert others are disrespectful. There is no respect in wanting to force someone to take your religion. You can’t FORCE belief or faith, it has to come from the inside, it can’t be injected from the outside.
Also like, he didn’t even say he disliked it.
He said he had no use for it which is a very bizarre thing to say in my mind. That sounds like he only wants things surrounding the Bible that are ‘useful’ and that his religion may be so entrenched as part of him that quite honestly, there is little else to him.
I mean, he gives himself headaches spending too much time reading The Bible and uses audiobooks to get around that.
How do you actually think this relationship would work in person when for him, his religion is a near-constant thing that he spends swathes of his free time on?
Christianity isn’t just part of this guy, it is a MAJOR part of this guy that he puts a LOT of importance on.” EnergyThat1518
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your SO was an ungrateful jerk. You spent a lot of time making that audiobook for him.
It was 3 hours for goodness sake! His response was to criticize you because you do not know the bible. Then proceeded to tell you to read the bible in its entirety, disrespecting your beliefs completely. His reasoning is bogus as well because the bible can be interpreted 100s of different ways because it is so ambiguous.
Frankly, the fact an atheist spent hours reading a passage of the bible for an audiobook is going above and beyond the call of duty.
OP be prepared for your partner to disrespect you again and again because obviously, his religious beliefs are so much more important than your beliefs.” KarenMaca
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Let’s ignore the fact this is the Bible for a second.
If my partner made a recording of himself reading a chapter of my favorite book without ever reading the rest of it I’d be annoyed at him too. I’d be really confused as to why he did that instead of buying me the full audiobook.
You added pictures and music? Why? And how? I wouldn’t be able to listen to an audiobook with music in the background, it would drive me nuts.
It doesn’t matter how much money or effort you put into it, you gave your partner a bad gift. A gift you made about yourself instead of the recipient.” comewhatmay_hem
