People Refuse To Lie In These "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
22. AITJ For Hiring A Maid Because My Wife Won't Enforce Housework Rules?
“I work out of town and my wife stays home with our two teen kids.
When I’m home I take care of the housework to give my wife a break.
The kids are supposed to help around the house in return for me paying for their phones and stuff.
My wife chooses not to enforce that while I’m gone.
Our income is split thusly. We pay all our bills. Including the kids’ phones. We set aside money for retirement, vacations, emergencies, etc. What is left over is split evenly between her and me. So we each have money for fun stuff separately.
For the last eight months or so she has made very little effort to keep the house clean while I’m gone. But she gets very upset if I just let it stay messy when I’m home.
She says that the kids are too busy with extracurricular activities and their jobs to help and that she gets overwhelmed.
She does not work. But kids are in high school. I bought them a car and I pay for everything except fuel. They are responsible for getting themselves to extracurriculars and whatever else they want to do.
I told her that it wasn’t fair for me to have to clean up four weeks of mess on my two weeks off.
That she should be forcing the kids to do their part.
She says it’s too hard.
Two shifts ago I told the kids I was done paying for their phones and car bills. The car was paid for cash so there isn’t a loan or anything.
Just insurance, registration, maintenance, that stuff.
I took the money and I paid for a maid to come and clean up the day before I get home. That way I can just maintain it until I leave.
My wife is mad that the kids have to pay their own bills, and that I’m “being unfair” by paying someone else to do my chores.
I’m not. I’m paying someone to do theirs.
I found out she’s been giving the kids money out of her share to pay their bills. She is now mad that I have money for my hobbies but she does not. I don’t really care. She needs to do her part and clean up and parent.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re able to keep up with the cleaning while when you’re home. She’s not able to keep up with the cleaning when you aren’t home. So, she’s not a competent adult? Your kids are supposed to help out with the cleaning as repayment for your covering the cost of maintaining/running their cars, and phones.
She does not enforce that when you’re not there. She’s making choices. Choices have consequences.” dublos
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’ve found a good solution. Also, since she doesn’t work and doesn’t care for the house, why are you splitting the money with her? It’s time to open a separate account for you only and pay her an allowance for food & clothes.
This means you would have to take care of paying all bills and not entrusting her with that chore. You should also get a separate retirement account, only for you. If she were to start contributing to the household maintenance, then the allowance could be increased. Why should she have money for “fun stuff” if she’s not pulling her weight?
Why are you supporting this person? She’s in breach of the contract you two made.” MeasureMe2
21. AITJ For Refusing To Send My Kids To My Ex's House If They Don't Want To Go?
“My ex and I have been divorced for 6 years. We have two kids (11f and 8f) that we currently share 50/50 custody of. We switch custody every Friday.
She’s been seeing this guy for I think a year now. He seems like a nice enough guy.
The girls say they like him.
Well, my ex just found out she’s pregnant and she says she’s gonna keep it. I think that’s really stupid because she barely knows this guy. She says they’re still figuring things out but their current plan is to get married and “find a house big enough for all of them” and move.
He’s got two kids so not really sure where they’re going to find a house big enough for five kids, especially in this economy but whatever. I think the entire thing is stupid and I told her so.
She said she wants to keep the custody arrangement the same even if the girls don’t want to.
She hasn’t told them yet but she’s obviously expecting the worst. She said she’s worried the girls will see all the changes and not want to deal with it and only want to live with me and she wants them to at least give it a shot before changing anything with the custody arrangement.
I told her to get lost and if my kids want to stay with me they can. She said I’m being unreasonable and called me a jerk.”
Another User Comments:
“You’re being unreasonable. If in the US it is a custody order, not a custody suggestion.
You will get hit with custody interference if you do not return the kids even if they ask to stay. Even parents who suspect imminent danger have to get CPS, or the local PD, or file for a temporary emergency custody order to intervene and withhold custody.
I’m mad someone is moving on in a way I dislike isn’t a valid reason to withhold custody and if she googles her rights or contacts a legal advice line this will go pear-shaped for you fast.” treinacles
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Of course children may not like all these changes but you should not just allow them to cut out their mother from their lives over temporary feelings.
The 50/50 custody is working. You don’t say anything about her being a bad mum. You even say her partner (of a year+) seems like a decent person. You should be discussing with your co-parent how to navigate this situation in the most healthy way with your kids, not insulting your co-parent and saying you’re okay with the kids being alienated from their mother.
Get ahead of this, with your co-parent, by finding a good child therapist who the children can see to talk about how they feel about this change and how they’re doing after the separation of their parents. Support them and come to agreements about how you both will consistently and healthily deal with potential upsets and outbursts relating to this and the growing pains of childhood.
To be honest, it just sounds like you’re angry and jealous that your ex has moved on with a different partner, and her new family made up of her daughters, her partner, and her new baby are happy together.” braw_mince
Another User Comments:
“YTJ if you think you can just go against a court order like this.
You don’t have the legal right (at this point) to do what you’re suggesting. Your kids are too young for a judge to even ask them (they might ask the older one, but probably not and their input wouldn’t weigh much on the decision at this age).
Frankly, you just sound jealous af that she’s moved on. She’s been seeing the guy for a year. That’s not “hardly knowing someone” as you claim. If your kids are truly against it, then you’re going to need to fight for more custody.
But no judge is going to say she doesn’t at least get visitation of the kids, and you would be found in contempt if you refused to send them. Stop acting like a jealous child and be a parent. You make no claims about having an issue with her parenting.
The kids (and even you) seem to think the guy is a nice guy. This means you’d be hard-pressed to change the custody at all. In fact, if you refuse to send them, the judge could give your ex full custody with you only getting visitation because it would be considered parental alienation and contempt of court.
You need to think long and hard about your attitude and behavior.” Ok-Mode-2038
20. AITJ For Charging My Carless Friends For Gas When I Drive Them Around?
“I’m 30 with a few friends who don’t own vehicles since they often get around using Uber. I drive a Prius and there is a feature where you can input the gas price and after your trip, it will calculate how much you spent on gas on that specific trip.
Well since my friends without vehicles want me to pick them up if we hang out together and drop them off oftentimes going half an hour out of my way I began showing them the dashboard telling them they needed to pay me for the listed cost my car says that trip cost.
One of my friends was offended saying I’m acting like I’m a Taxi service and taking advantage of my friends. I told her gas wasn’t free or cheap and she’d be paying more taking an Uber and she told me I get 50mpg+ and I’m going to the same place so I’m just trying to swindle funds out of her.
I told her regardless of my mpg I still have to put gas in my tank eventually and she said I’m being a cheapskate for asking for money.”
Another User Comments:
“When I was in high school, my parents always had me give gas money to my friends who picked me up and brought me home from school as a way of saying thank you and also acknowledging that cars cost money to operate!
That lesson has stuck with me and to this day, if I’m not the one driving, I offer gas money to the driver (and if they don’t take it, sometimes I stick it in the glove box when they aren’t looking). NTJ. Your friends are ill-mannered and do not appreciate your kindness in carting them around.
Pay careful attention to how the people around you react when you establish boundaries, it shows you whether or not they respect you. I hope your friends realize their awful reaction (especially the one who said you’re just trying to swindle her!?) and come to appreciate and respect your wishes regarding your vehicle.
If not, it may be time to carefully consider the true nature of these particular friendships. It hurts in the short-term to see some people’s true colors, but in the long run, you’re better off knowing the truth and using that information to fill your circle with kind, respectful connections.” BarFlight
Another User Comments:
“I have a Prius too, and you’re right! Even though we get great gas mileage, we still have to pay for gas. You’re NTJ for asking to be reimbursed for gas money for additional trips you otherwise wouldn’t have gone on. I can see a few times to not charge them for gas money, but if it’s a constant and regular thing they’re expecting, then I’d tell them they can go back to paying more for an Uber or Lyft instead.
Also, to this comment from one of your friends: “One of my friends was offended saying I’m acting like I’m a Taxi service and taking advantage of my friends.” They’re actually treating YOU like a taxi service, and taking advantage of you, and trying to dismiss it with your car’s great MPG.
Definitely NTJ for wanting to be reimbursed for gas, especially with how high the prices are currently, but I personally wouldn’t nitpick on the short rides, especially if you’re dropping someone off who lives near you and you’re going the same way anyway. You can even tell them that if they don’t want to pitch in with your gas or take an Uber, why don’t they get their own car and see how expensive gas prices and maintenance of a car can be (giving rides not only uses gas but also increases mileage, bringing you closer to needing an oil change, tires, and other maintenance in the long run).” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“I’m a bit split on this one, because personally if I’m picking up a friend to go someplace with them then I don’t charge them for gas. Especially if it’s somewhere local. The only time I’ve asked for gas money from a friend was on a long road trip.
So the way I see it, since we don’t seem to have a lot of specifics here, things that would make YTJ would be: 1. If you’re charging for every little tiny amount of gas that your dashboard calculates, even if it’s just cents 2.
If this is always on trips where you’re going to the same place to hang out with them anyway and picking them up on the way. Like, if their house is in the same direction you’re already going. 3. If you’re not telling them upfront that they’re going to be expected to pay for gas if you give them a ride someplace.
Don’t spring it on them after the fact.
Meanwhile, things that would make you NTJ would be: 1. If you need to go really far out of your way to pick them up, I’d say even if you’re going to the same place in this case.
If you need to go one direction to pick them up and then double back and go the opposite direction to get to wherever you’re going, I could see asking for gas money, especially if it ends up being more than a couple of bucks.
2. If they’re calling and asking you for rides every time they want to go someplace regardless of if you’re involved in those plans or not.” PresentTiffany
19. AITJ For Not Funding My Ex's Cousin's Heart Surgery?
“I am a 34-year-old female and my ex (35 male) and I were in a long-distance relationship for 2 years but broke it off because I always helped him out with his family but he never did the same for me.
I mostly sent him money to help and because of that, I broke up with him because he never paid me back.
Today he said that he would pay me back on Monday but I would have to help pay for his cousin’s heart surgery because the boy is an orphan and his parents died in a car accident.
I haven’t met or seen this cousin and my ex always gives me a sob story or tries to guilt me into giving him money for something. Every time I tell him no. So would I be a jerk if I don’t help my ex’s cousin?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You were not partners you were his ATM. The audacity to call you and ask you to help him pay for his cousin’s heart surgery. A cousin you’ve never even met. Tell him you hope all goes well and then let him know that the last time you checked ATM was not printed across your forehead so stop, if he wants to help it is for him to figure it out.
Block him.” stinstin555
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But do you hear yourself? He’s an ex and no longer any of your concern. He’s just using you in my opinion. And it’s not even your cousin. Seriously tell him no. Who knows maybe that cousin even doesn’t exist. And he’s literally guilt-tripping you into giving him money.
You are being too nice. Cut all the contacts with him. Block his jerk. Stay far away from him.” Sad-Pipe-1044
Another User Comments:
“It’s wild to me that all of these long-distance relationship partners always have a huge need for money and zero ability to find a partner IRL.
It’s almost like..they’re not real and they’re scamming. I’m sorry, OP. You were in a relationship with lord knows who. NTJ. But I beg you to watch a season of Catfish.” Unspokenwordvomit
18. AITJ For Refusing To Buy My Teenage Daughter A Doll For Her Birthday?
“I (34 F) have a 16-year-old daughter. I had her young and because of this, we are incredibly close.
She is also incredibly smart, she loves science and maths and spends hours on end reading papers and writing about the stuff she finds interesting. But she also still likes kids’ toys. I’m not talking about 1 or 2 old stuffed animals, no, I am talking 20+ 18-inch dolls and accessories.
Her 17th birthday is in 3 weeks and I asked her what she wanted. She asked for another doll. I used to get her one every year from the age of 5 to 12. I stopped doing it because it felt like she was too old for that stuff.
I said I thought it was childish and that maybe I could buy her something to do with her science. She said I was acting as if she wasn’t still a kid and ran off to her room. She won’t talk to me and I don’t know if I was a jerk in what I said.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. For one thing, there’s literally nothing wrong with adults collecting dolls. My wife does, and there’s a whole community around it and they also do things like modding the dolls and making their own parts for them which is a complex creative type of art.
So you can engage with dolls in different ways at different ages. Or maybe she just thinks they’re neat, what’s wrong with that? But ALSO, in your situation, you say that you gave her one every year for almost ten years. You created a tradition, something you shared with her that was special. And then you decided arbitrarily to stop that tradition.
And now instead of that being something you share with her, you’ve told her you think it’s immature and weird of her to want to still have that tradition. You played yourself here, this was a way to bond with her and you burned it down.” archiesheridan
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Let your daughter love what she loves. I am 53 years old and I still collect toys – Star Trek and Star Wars models, Lego sets, various action figures, and I absolutely love them. I also am a career professional with 30 years in my field.
Am I childish? Maybe, but I don’t care. It keeps me young at heart and enjoying life, as opposed to becoming angry and cynical. All you are doing with this is crushing your daughter’s spirit and her love of life. Just because it’s not something you would do does not mean it isn’t something she shouldn’t do.
Let her be herself.” bamf1701
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You raised this person. If you think her behavior is actually concerning due to a lack of maturity or an underlying issue causing her to want to be treated like a younger child then seek therapy for her.
Or at the very least have a serious discussion with her about why she likes these things and why she wants to be seen as a kid. A conversation where you come to her with an open mind and concern for her, not insults. If you don’t think it’s concerning or problematic but you just don’t like her interests then keep that to yourself.
It’s her birthday and you asked what she wanted. If you don’t care what she wants and prefer to get her what you want her to have then just don’t bother asking.” slyest_fox
17. AITJ For Not Wanting To Wear A Fake Updo As A Bridesmaid?
“A friend is getting married in six weeks. It’s important to her that all the bridesmaids match (same dress, shoes, necklaces, earrings). The other bridesmaids have long hair and will have matching braided updos. I have a pixie cut and have had one for the past three years.
The bride told me yesterday that she would like me to buy a fake braided bun and to smooth back my hair. It won’t be long enough to put into a ponytail of any sort, but she thinks we can fix my real hair with some gel and hairspray and put the fake updo on at the back (we’re doing hair ourselves).
I can’t help feeling that it’s going to look less than great and feel a bit put out that she wants me to change the hair I’ve had for the past three years. She also wants me to pay for the braided bun myself.
WIBTJ if I tell her I’m not really keen on having the fake updo or paying for this?”
Another User Comments:
“INFO. Is the issue that she wants you to pay for the hair piece (who covered the cost of the rest of the bridesmaid attire by the way?), that you just think it won’t look good, that having short hair is in some way integral to your identity, or some combo of the above?
Because here’s the thing, I 100% disagree with brides who expect bridesmaids to make permanent/excessive changes to their appearance for the sake of the wedding (e.g. if she was asking people to cut/dye their hair), or ones who fly in the face of some integral part of a person’s identity (e.g. asking their childhood friend who is a trans man to wear a dress).
But if for instance, the bride wanted everyone to wear poodle skirts and 50s style wigs, even though I might not like the style, it doesn’t really tick any of my above boxes, so I’d be inclined to let her have what she wants. Less inclined if doing so results in a huge bill for you, but if the bride picked up the tab/the outfits were reasonably inexpensive then I would consider this to be a part of letting her have her day the way she wants.” Vought4Nought
Another User Comments:
“I’ll probably get slammed for this but no jerks here. Yup, the bride’s being a goof for asking OP to change her hairstyle to do the matchy-matchy thing, but it’s not permanent. And does it really matter if OP looks good on her friend’s wedding day?
From OP’s comments, it seems like that’s a big part of her concern, and the day isn’t about her. A temporary bun shouldn’t get in the way of her relationship with the bride. It’s one day. Wear the stupid fake hair and have fun. Oh, and get the bride to pay for the hairpiece.
If she insists you wear it, she definitely should pay.” Whaddyameanjellybean
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, something similar happened to me with my cousin’s wedding. My hair has been short for years. I said people know me this way. It’s actually a bigger distraction if I all of a sudden show up with long hair down my back.
I essentially refused and said if she wants her bridal party to look a certain way, I am happy to step out of being in the bridal party and be an usher or just attend. I didn’t want to be the reason her wedding pictures are less than perfect.
However, I was not going to change my appearance to suit someone else’s taste. She ended up dropping it. Interestingly enough, another girl in the bridal party with short hair wore a wig. Lol and between the heels, the wig, and the tight dress, started feeling faint and ended up sitting on a speaker halfway through the ceremony.
The point is that we all look different, and we’re all beautiful as we are. I sort of understand if someone agrees to be in a wedding and weeks before, makes a drastic change to their appearance without medical necessity. I can understand a bride then asking for a modification to that appearance.
But you’ve been this way for years, and you will without a doubt look ridiculous with a synthetic clip-on bun attached to your pixie. It will be more of a distraction than if you just wore your own hair. Good luck!” [deleted]
16. AITJ For Not Wanting My Brother To Propose At My Grad Party?
“An aunt of mine apparently told one of my cousins that my brother was going to propose to his partner at my grad party (he’s not). So I told/asked my parents, and my dad was like well if he is that’s okay.
I was like I don’t want him doing that at my party that’s weird and it would make everything about him.
My dad was telling me I’m wrong. He told me it makes sense for him to do that and it’s unfair to not let him.
I get that family will be around but also my friends will be there and I wanted the party to be about me. Is that selfish?
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all. Once he proposes this is not your party anymore.
First of all, talk with him and if he goes through anyway, have a backup plan. Take all your friends with you and go have an outdoor party, either at one of your friend’s houses or at yours if you don’t live with your parents.
Just take the food and drinks you need with you. You can also ask his partner for her help if she is a nice person. Most people don’t like being put on the spot and she might not want to feel like she hijacked your event.” Ryuloulou
Another User Comments:
“You wouldn’t be the jerk at all. Your dad sucks for saying what he did. Unfortunately, a lot of people view proposals as superior to many other events, which I find ridiculous. Even though the two events are different, this is like someone proposing to their partner at someone else’s wedding, it’s just flat-out wrong in my opinion, and takes away from who the event is for.
Your grad party is supposed to be for you, not for your brother to gain all the attention. Either way, he’d get the attention whether his partner says yes or no.” Jack__Fearow
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you need to have a discussion with your brother about this.
Tell him that if he does it – you will make their engagement party and their wedding all about YOU, pretty much every party or event they ever have you will be the center of attention. Try me. Also, tell him that if he tries to do this at your graduation party you will do everything to ruin the moment.
You and your friends will loudly boo them – and yell Don’t marry him – he’s being unfaithful to you! You can do better than him! Because your graduation party is not the time or place to make your event about “them.” You are not being selfish – but if he persists in doing it even after your conversation – then please be petty and take over every event they ever have.
And you can do it in creative ways too! You can announce your own special things at their events! Slip a few random pictures of yourself in their slide show. Before the wedding secretly swap the flower girl’s white petals for pink or blue and announce you’re pregnant with a baby boy or girl OR say you just adopted a baby boy/girl kitten or puppy or pet rock.” Less-Quality6326
15. AITJ For Refusing To Clean The House For My Brother's Graduation Party?
“I am 19 and my brother is 17.
This story just took place a couple of minutes ago.
My little brother just graduated high school on Friday and today he has a graduation party. My mom wants me to clean up the house and do the dishes because his friends are coming over. All he has to do is clean his room. When I have any kind of party I have to clean every floor of the house and the basement.
My mom did yell at me calling me a spoiled brat. I am currently lying on the couch in the basement because I can’t leave unless I’ve given her an apology.
I do apologize for this sounding whiny. I just want to know if I am in the wrong.
AITJ for not wanting to clean up for my brother and his guests?”
Another User Comments:
“You’re older than him, you might also be a woman as well. Both are reasons parents infantilize the younger or male sibling, thinking they can’t or shouldn’t do certain things.
It never changes. When you were 17 there were probably things you were expected to do because of your age, but when he became 17 the same doesn’t apply to him. NTJ. 17 is old enough to learn to clean before their party. The only thing that would make your mother right in this situation is if it’s your turn to clean or something.
Though I doubt it.” haveitgood
Another User Comments:
“You are 19. You must now realize you are an adult living in your parents’ house. If you do not pay rent you MUST make yourself helpful by cleaning. As a mom, I want to yell at you to get off your behind and help.
As a female who was forced to clean up after my brothers all my life, I would keep my butt on that couch all day. What a dumb choice Mom gave you. So as a mom (yes) and as a fellow sufferer (yes).” LongNectarine3
Another User Comments:
“Feel like more info could help? I’m leaning toward no jerks here cause I feel like Mom asked you instead of brother because it’s his graduation party not just any party. In that case, maybe it’s not the worst thing to help a little, assuming your mom is also doing things and not just forcing you to do all?” flyinSuga
14. AITJ For Wanting To Avoid A Surprise Birthday Party My Parents Are Planning Against My Wishes?
“I (29M) have told everyone I don’t want a birthday party. I will not be organizing one, and I do not want anyone to organize one for me. I don’t like social situations and don’t like to be the center of attention at all. Despite that, I have heard rumors that my parents have called every friend of mine they know of, all my male co-workers I hang out with, all my relatives, and the relatives of my wife to come to my place and throw a big party on the evening before my birthday.
I feel embarrassed that my parents organized everything. It should be friends who would do it in the first place if they even went against my wishes. I have even heard that they pressured some people into coming, saying I will be extremely sad and disappointed if they do not come.
I am considering leaving town for a week and coming back when everything is over, but I feel bad for the people who were invited and maybe didn’t know I was against it.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Tell all your friends and family that you do not want nor did you ask for a party, and then you can do 1 of 2 things.
Call out your parents, or leave. Both will result in confrontation, you can’t avoid it in this situation. If you want to be petty just leave, if you want to deal with the situation fast then call them out and be very clear and stern that you will not be attending.
Do not fall into emotional manipulation. This party was about them, not about you.” Flashy_Bridge8458
Another User Comments:
“I turned 50 two years ago. My friends didn’t plan a surprise party or anything because, not really into that stuff. I was asked what I’d like to do for my birthday.
I said I’d like to have a nice dinner out with wine and comradery. Afterward, I would go home with my husband and spend the rest of the evening enjoying quiet time with him and our pups. I got a lot of, what if we do this, or how about we do that.
N,o I just want a quiet dinner with a few friends and that’s all. I did get the dinner that I wanted, and then, SURPRISE, we are going to an Escape Room. I do not enjoy them. We have done them and I was getting sick of them.
Mostly I would just sit there while they solved the puzzles. This particular one that I was surprised with was a difficulty of rated 10. It required at least 6 to 8 people to solve. There were four of us. Actually, three because my husband got sick and had to bail out.
It was completely ridiculous. We barely got through a few clues before time was up. I hated it. For my last two birthdays, I have stayed at home. It’s very disrespectful to ask someone what they wish to do and then disregard those wishes. OP you need to just take the impromptu trip with the wife.
Let your parents deal with the fallout. GO FISHIN!! NTJ.” liquidsky72
Another User Comments:
“You and your wife leave town on a short unannounced trip. And if your family has access to your place, change the locks or code. Anytime anyone mentions your birthday to you tell them that you are not celebrating it.
Just that, no more. And if your family does manage to get one over on you – perhaps rescheduling it, and managing to get access to your place to set it up, turn around and leave. Block them, and don’t return until everything is back to normal (maybe you can check in 12 hours or so?) If they lure you to another venue, turn around and walk away.
Anyone who shows up not knowing the back story can blame your parents, not you. And of course, do not invite your parents to the inauguration of your new pizza oven. NTJ.” SavingsRhubarb8746
13. AITJ For Not Acknowledging My Partner's Help With My Books?
“Today, I went to pick up eight university books. I had planned to do it alone, bringing everything I’d need to carry them home by bus.
On the way, my friend mentioned how heavy the books were when she picked them up the other day and suggested I ask my partner for help since he has a car. I told her the street is busy, and he’s a medical rep, often on the go.
But after her suggestion, I decided to ask him anyway.
I arrived with 30 minutes to spare, so I called him. I explained that it’d be great if he could help, but only if it was convenient for both of us or if we could grab a beverage before or after work since I hadn’t seen him in a week.
Otherwise no problem, I was planning to do it alone anyway. He insisted on helping, so we agreed I’d call when I was ready.
Once I called, he picked me up basically from the bus stop I would wait at to take my bus and took us to a parking lot a minute away where they valet-parked his car.
Half the books were in my backpack, and the rest were in a bag, so I grabbed only my phone and wallet, assuming we’d spend some time together. When I asked if I needed anything else, he told me to hurry so the valet could park the car.
We walked for a bit, and then he asked, “So, what are you going to do now?” Surprised, I said, “I thought we’d hang out, so I just brought my phone and wallet.” He replied that he had to work so I said I’d just browse some shops since I don’t have my keys to go home and study.
I followed for a bit until he reached the first doctor he would visit. After saying goodbye, I wandered around for a couple of hours, hoping we’d meet up afterward.
At 7, he called, saying he’d just finished work, so I suggested we go for a beverage.
He said he thought it was 8 and that he would continue working after all. We met at the parking lot, and he drove me home, but he didn’t come up to stay since he had gym at 9.
At this point, I was a bit sad that I didn’t get to spend much time with him and I didn’t get to study, though I wasn’t mad—just a miscommunication.
We brought the books upstairs, and when we got outside again, we hugged, kissed and I told him I missed him. He replied, “But hey, I helped you!” I didn’t respond immediately, and not wanting to sound negative, I said, “I’m just glad I got to see you a bit!” He pressed, “Didn’t I help?” I repeated myself.
He got upset and frustrated, saying my response made him feel unappreciated, and that he just wanted to help. I thanked him for the effort, but he seemed hurt, said goodbye, and drove off pretty much.
Am I the jerk for not explicitly saying he helped?
I feel like it would be lying, what happened didn’t feel helpful at all. He seemed really upset, and he doesn’t often help, so I feel he might be even less inclined to in the future.”
Another User Comments:
“Not sure how to judge this one… it sounds like a miscommunication, and after struggling to understand clearly what even happened here, I can see why.
I can’t tell if he’s deliberately being unhelpful, or if you just did a really bad job of explaining what you wanted from him. (Or possibly both.) It sounds like he thought the main thing was to get the books from Point A to Point B without you having to carry heavy stuff on the bus.
And mission accomplished. It sounds like you thought the main thing was for the two of you to spend time together. and you’re disappointed that didn’t happen. Maybe he’s being dense for not understanding what you REALLY wanted rather than what you SAID you wanted, maybe it should’ve been obvious.
Or maybe not, I don’t know. But I do know from many years of experience that people who don’t communicate what they really want and then are disappointed with you even though you did exactly what they actually asked you to, and on top of that they won’t even tell you why?
Those people are exhausting to deal with. Now you’re BOTH disappointed. (and “upset, frustrated, unappreciated…”) So maybe rethink your communication style. Also for future reference- always keep your keys with you whenever you’re not home. They’re just as important as your wallet & phone.” EmilyAnne1170
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, just miscommunication. When you asked him for help with the books, your priority was really getting to see him, not necessarily getting help with the books (since you could do it on your own anyway). When you asked him for help with the books, his priority was to assist you with the books, not necessarily spending time with you.
So from your point of view, he didn’t really help you because you could have done the task by yourself more efficiently, and you only asked him for help because you wanted to hang out. From his point of view, he went out of his way to help you with these books by picking you and the books up, and now he’s confused because you’re telling him he didn’t help at all.
People are getting real heated in these comments about this very mild disagreement lol. I don’t think you or your partner is being “manipulative” you’re just people having feelings. This disagreement is actually very wholesome from my POV: he really wanted to help you and you really wanted to spend time with him, and you’re only in a disagreement about the day because of mismatched (good) intentions.” Familiar-Weekend-511
Another User Comments:
“This is just clear miscommunication on both parts. Neither of you confirmed you were on the same page. Some comments say he expected you to wander around for hours, but I genuinely don’t think he did. I also feel like there’s a bit of context missing.
What exactly stopped you from going back to his car, getting your books and stuff, and heading home as soon as you realized he had to work? While I understand it was incredibly frustrating to walk around for hours, the exchange at the end could have gone better and it just further solidifies both of you need to work on your communication with each other.
He felt he’d done what he was asked to do which was help with the books. Everything after that was unfortunate because you both misinterpreted each other and had zero to do with the initial helping. I don’t see any jerks just 2 people who need to learn from an unfortunate experience.” thatslifeiguess
12. AITJ For Not Giving Up My Good Concert Seats To Accommodate My Friend?
“I was looking for a concert opportunity since I hadn’t been to one in a long time, and I saw Tyler, The Creator, was coming to my area. I debated buying tickets, then ended up going for it, and as I was about to check out, my friend asked me to get her a ticket so we could go together.
Granted, I paid for both, and she said she’d pay me back. I ended up scoring two really good seats facing the stage at retail, $157.5 after fees.
We then figured out, after further discussion, that her parents wouldn’t let her go unless we were with her brothers, who had tickets on the other side of the stadium with a really bad side view in the nosebleeds.
She said we would have to offer our well-centered seating to someone else in the bad view to stay with her brothers, or she couldn’t go. I didn’t want to do that, so I told her I wouldn’t be giving up my great view for nosebleeds.
She began complaining about me being difficult for it since I don’t listen to Tyler that often anyway, so it shouldn’t matter to me. I told her that regardless of the artist, I want a good view to be fully immersed and enjoy the experience.
Plus, she doesn’t know the group configuration around us. What if someone next to her brother is there alone and the next person is a huge group? I’m just supposed to go sit on the other side by myself? Not happening.
After some back and forth, I told her I’d do it since she kept bugging me but only if the people trading paid what we paid since the difference was about $60 a ticket.
She said that we aren’t doing that because it would make the people switching say no. That’s when I said, “Okay, then I guess that’s not happening,” so I found another friend to go with, who told me he would buy the ticket from me within the week.
Then she comes to me the next day asking when would I be transferring her ticket to her. I told her that I wouldn’t be doing that since these are my tickets and I paid for them, and that if she wanted a ticket, then she could buy one herself.
She then began yelling at the top of her lungs in our class, which was really embarrassing in my eyes. She then told all our friends, and I received messages and comments from people saying I’m a jerk since I told her yes at the time of buying, but at the same time, many people said I wasn’t.
When I said yes, I was under the impression that we would be sitting there together. I gave in to all the pressure, saying I would think about it, but I really don’t want to give her the ticket.
Bear in mind she only wants a ticket from me to switch with someone else so that she can sit with her brothers, even though she can just buy any other seat in the stadium.
At the moment, she can get a seat with a similar view for CHEAPER, but she said she wants the one I chose. I feel like she’s overreacting since she has the option to buy any other seat since her intention is to just trade it away.
If she were planning to sit at that designated seat, that would be a totally different story. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“How does this sound: Sorry, I only bought a second ticket because I didn’t want to attend the concert alone. That is the only reason.
The buy was based on our seats and on you spending time with me, and I am not okay with changing where we sit. I want to enjoy the concert from an enjoyable viewing position, and you are not willing to compromise. If the venue were sold out this would be a very different scenario but just the fact that there are many more seats available for you to choose from made me decide to keep my 2 tickets.
even though I said I would buy you one, that was for the seats I got. I can’t sell you one single ticket to an area that is sold out, because I am not going to this concert alone and I am not switching seats, so I will be keeping my tickets to go with Ryan.
It isn’t fair to me that I am sacrificing my ability to go enjoy a concert with a friend just for you to take a seat hoping that the person near you will accept the offer. People do not go to concerts alone anymore, so the possibility of that ever happening is little to none regardless of the seat.
You and I both know that when I got the ticket I didn’t listen to Tyler but I have been now and I am fully intending to go, which is why I am making this decision. Sorry if you are upset about this but you have the option to buy any other ticket in the stadium to hope someone will trade with you.
I am not looking to take part in that risk. You should just get tickets near your brothers. Please don’t make this a whole thing and fight about it, honestly, I am not even obligated to give u the ticket because I paid for it myself.
I am telling you now so you have plenty of notice to make your own accommodations ticket-wise. Sorry to be inconvenient.” Unlucky_Access_5230
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. “Sorry, I only bought a second ticket because I didn’t want to attend the concert alone. That is the only reason.
The gift was contingent on you spending time with me, and you’ve decided not to do that. So I’ll be giving the ticket to someone who will, so I can fulfill my original goal of attending the concert with a friend. I understand your disappointment, but ultimately I am not obligated to give you a ticket to a concert – especially given you haven’t even paid me back for it yet.”” lordmwahaha
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She backed out of the purchase of the ticket before she paid you for it, so at no point was the ticket hers. It makes no sense to try to trade that one ticket to another person that you wouldn’t know, especially if that isn’t done in advance.
Who would want to switch seats AT THE CONCERT when they are probably with at least one other person too? Makes even less sense to do it at a financial loss to either of you. Simplest is for her to buy a new ticket with her brothers and for you to sell/give the ticket to someone else, which is what you did.
“I received messages and comments from people saying I’m a jerk since I told her yes at the time of buying.” True, but so did she. Then she backed out without paying you. She changed the situation, not you. And, she’s also trying to make your seat worse for some reason.
And then whined about it in probably a biased way to friends to pressure you about it. Clearly, she is the jerk for a few reasons.” fishling
her control your options. Ignore her, enjoy the concert.
11. AITJ For Not Wanting To Attend A Wedding After Being Uninvited As A Groomsman?
“I (31M) have had a good friend (30M) who asked me to be a groomsman for his wedding. I happily accepted and was super excited to do this.
However, I was just notified less than a month before the wedding that I was no longer a groomsman but expected to show up to the wedding.
This caught me by complete surprise as I had no idea this would occur. My friend said that we don’t spend enough time together and that he thinks I wouldn’t be a good groomsman for his wedding since we aren’t close enough and he’s not sure I would show up.
We usually hang out on the order of once every 2-3 months or so and have done this pretty regularly for years.
Recently (since summer) it’s been hard to hang out because I have a lot on my plate in my personal life (shifting career, increased work responsibilities, house maintenance, travel) and it’s tough to find time to hang out when most of the time I would hang out with this friend we would be going to a bar or brewery, which I really just don’t want to do anymore.
I still consider this friend to be one of my best friends though our interests are diverging now. I just have other things I need to and like to do now, though I make time when I’m able. I usually only see my friends infrequently at best so I thought this to be very normal in your adult life.
So far I can’t think of a single conflict we’ve had and he has never broached the subject of him thinking we don’t hang out enough.
This also hurts me because I have spent quite a bit of money to be a groomsman – I’ve been to multiple wedding party events that I have paid for and had to get a full tux that I also have paid for.
All in all, I’m out $500 for all of this, excluding the bachelor party which I have been uninvited to. I’ve done everything on time when it was needed and generally, I thought things were going very well.
My friend gave me the ultimatum and said if I do not go, I am no longer his friend, meaning I will basically get kicked out of this friend group permanently.
This feels pretty underhanded to me to kick me out on a whim with zero prior discussion and expect me to show up and be happy about it, or lose the friendship permanently.
I now, don’t want to go at all since this whole affair is extremely frustrating to me and I lost a lot of respect for my friend and how he handled this and how manipulative it feels.
I can think of a million things I’d rather do than go to this wedding now. But I also could be the bigger person and still go. I’m really hurt by all of this and really upset at the whole situation, it’s been on my mind permanently.
Not sure if I would be the jerk or not for not going. I’m thinking just get them something from the registry don’t show up and be done with it.”
Another User Comments:
“You’re not behaving the way he wants you to, so he’s punishing you instead of talking to you about it like a decent person would.
NTJ and I would be public about it, too, because, as you already seem to know, he’s going to try to blow up your social life. Do you think he would be receptive to another point of view? You can try talking to him beforehand, but you would know him better than any of us.” Ad_Vomitus
Another User Comments:
“Nope. Send a Venmo request for the price of the tux and all other fees you’ve paid for attending events. Then after you receive it, tell him to have a nice wedding and your “friendship” is over. Don’t go to the wedding.
If anyone asks you about the wedding or why you didn’t go, tell them the truth. He kicked you out and said the only way he’d keep the friendship is if you went to the wedding just as a guest. Or be petty as heck and wear the tux to the wedding and attend as the guest he wants you to be.
Tell everyone there what happened and since you already paid for the tux you were going to wear it. Just don’t give a gift. Your presence is his present.” Effective_Brief8295
Another User Comments:
“There is definitely something missing here and it’s a conversation with other friends.
Clearly, the groom has a bee in his bonnet about something. But generally, one person does not have the power to “kick someone out of the friend group.” What do your other friends say? Are they also upset you’ve been skipping regular hangouts? Or do they think the groom is power-tripping?
If everyone is low-key upset at you for dipping out too often, then that’s the feedback you need. Talk to your friends. You don’t have enough info yet to make a move to either skip (and get shut out) or go after being humiliated.” imtchogirl
10. AITJ For Asking A Gym-Goer To Flush To Reduce The Smell?
“I go to a very small 24-hour gym at 4:30 am (non-staffed hours) every day before work and have been doing so for about 10 years now. I have never had an issue with anyone until now.
There has been a guy in his 20s that has been coming in for about 8 months now and all he does is go straight to the bathroom, take a dump for 20-30mins and then leave.
This wouldn’t be a problem, except the bathroom walls do not reach the ceiling and the smell permeates the entire gym. I work in healthcare and can handle some bad smells, but this is ungodly and very C. Diff-like.
I’ve tried spraying air fresheners, but all it seems to do is make the gym smell like ocean pine and rotting jerk.
I’m constantly gagging while trying to exercise. I never want to make anyone feel unwelcome at the gym, especially if it’s a medical issue. I politely asked if he could maybe try flushing a couple of times while he’s going to just help with the smell and I never saw him after that day.
I feel awful that I potentially embarrassed him and wanted to know if I was the jerk in this situation.”
Another User Comments:
“I would say it’s that poor young fellow’s butt that is the jerk here! I have to assume he already knew it smelled like the dead, and has perhaps been banished from performing early morning ablutions at home for precisely this reason.
Now he’s been called out on it at the gym, perhaps he’ll be embarrassed into having his digestive system checked for dead animals or bacterial infections. I’ll say NTJ simply because you did it for the greater good, and for nostrils everywhere.” shpdoinkle
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I am someone who currently has C. Diff from surgery and it smells terrible (I also have a weak sense of smell, almost none, so if I can smell it, I know it’s bad). It is not too much to just ask that he flushes it.
I am careful to use air fresheners in my bathroom so my poor mom doesn’t have to smell it if she needs to use it. If he does have C. Diff, it would also cause a risk of infecting someone else using the same bathroom if not sanitized since it is highly contagious.
I see that you mentioned that he just uses the leg press for 3 minutes and then uses the bathroom. Seems like he’s doing this so it looks like he has a reason to be at the gym other than using it as a public bathroom.
Do you know if he is homeless or not? If he does have a home, why can’t he just use his own bathroom?” RVtheguy
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. We had a guy at work who did that. Our showroom was small, maybe 800 square feet, and there was a small bathroom.
He would come in every morning, lay waste to the bathroom, then come out like nothing was wrong, with a billowing trail of toxic gas behind him. We’d have to open both doors just to breathe and he would tell us we were overreacting. That came to an end one day when the owner showed up, several hours after the morning dump, and he took a step backward and demanded to know what died. When he found out, he told Dude to poop at home or don’t come in.” Realistic_Sorbet2826
9. AITJ For Not Inviting My Brother-In-Law To My Birthday Dinner?
“My birthday is tomorrow and my mom wants us to go out to dinner. I said my sister can come but I don’t want her husband to come.
I don’t particularly like him. He isn’t an interesting person, he complains all the time, he drags on his stories, and he’s uncouth.
My cousin says he has the personality of a 2 by 4.
Most recent example, last week at my sister’s birthday dinner we were at a very fancy restaurant and my brother-in-law started eating with his hands and complained about everything.
I, for every other event, just tolerate his presence.
For this, I just wanted my sister and my mom. This isn’t a huge party, just a family dinner.
So when I texted her and told her, she asked why. I responded with “for my birthday I just want the people I want there”. She said she wasn’t coming, to which I responded “noted”.
So I ask, am I wrong for only wanting people I want for my family birthday dinner, or should I have kept quiet?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You didn’t want him there and didn’t seem to insult him when you said that. Your sister has no interest in going anywhere without him, so, she won’t.
No jerks as you were both upfront and civil. Nobody tried to force the other to do what they wanted. But this is a lesson for you. You can put up boundaries, but you have to accept that people may respect them in ways you don’t like.
If you want your sister there, her husband is a requirement. And as a side note, people should always choose their spouse over a sibling. If you expected otherwise, you would be disrespecting her marriage.” Cursd818
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Who would want to have dinner at a restaurant with an adult that eats with their hands??
The way you said that makes me feel like he didn’t order a burger or something you’re supposed to use your hands for. Also, who wants to listen to someone complain about everything? Literally no one. It’s your birthday, and you can invite whoever you want.” jinxx_thinxx
Another User Comments:
“There is no reason your good time should be affected negatively by your brother-in-law’s uncouth behavior. He needs to be told about this. But his wife should tell him, not you. No one enjoys being around negative, rude, or bad-mannered people. They have no right to spoil things for you.” Shashi1066
8. AITJ For Asking My Ex-Fiancé To Pay For The Car He Wrecked?
“My fiancé (22M, now ex-fiancé), Steve (fake name), and I (23F) were driving in my car to a concert. The concert details mentioned valet parking across the street from the venue, so we settled on parking there.
Two miles from the venue, I noticed on the map that the hotel with the valet service was on the left side of the road and assumed that we needed to be in the furthest left lane of the one-way road that we were driving down.
I told Steve that it would be a good idea to go ahead and merge in advance. Steve said not to worry, that he would get into the left lane when he needed to, and stayed in the middle lane.
Once we were half a mile from the venue, I saw a public parking garage on our left. I thought the garage may be a cheaper and easier option, so in a split-second decision, I told Steve to go into the garage.
Without looking behind him, Steve turned into the left lane, and we were hit by an oncoming car. My car was towed, and we ended up walking the last half mile to the concert. I paid for the 40-minute Uber home.
The car didn’t look good.
It was hit in the front left corner and the tire was broken. I’ve accepted that the car is likely totaled. I called Steve the next night. I believe that, since he was driving, he should pay half of my $1,000 deductible. I also asked him to pay 50% of car payments on the used car I ended up buying, up to the value of my old car.
He refused, saying that he needs to think about what is best for him financially. He said I didn’t care about him because I was trying to put him in a tough spot. He said he can’t and won’t help me pay for another car.
I am a full-time college student graduating this year. I have a part-time job that pays $9/hour and some money saved up for emergencies. Steve just started a full-time job making $17/hour and is living rent-free with a friend. He drives an older car (given to him by his parents) with 150k miles on it because his car gave out recently (that car was a replacement for his previous car, which he also wrecked).
After our conversation, I thought for a while and realized I don’t want to spend my life with someone so selfish. I called him back to break things off. He was staying at his parents’ house for the night since his job site is in the area, and after a few minutes of me telling him that we were over and why I was breaking things off, I heard his dad’s voice on the other end.
His dad tore into me, saying that my insurance payout should be enough to get a replacement car. I said I was asking for help to get a reliable vehicle that was comparable to what I had, and he refused on behalf of his son, saying “that’s life” and that Steve has things of his own that he needs to save for.
At the end of the call, he said that if I was serious about asking this from his son, I would be doing him a favor by leaving him. He said I woke up everyone in the house and hung up on me. I spent the rest of the night sobbing.
AITJ for asking my fiancé for money when he wrecked my car?”
Another User Comments:
“Wait, why would he pay your deductible and pitch in for payments on your replacement car? Insurance claims are meant to make you whole, minus the deductible. Him paying beyond the deductible is unreasonable, at that point, you’re just getting an upgrade using some of his money.
You could argue he should help with increased insurance rates, maybe, but anytime you let someone drive your car, you’ve accepted that risk. YTJ for trying to double dip.” LissR89
Another User Comments:
“ESH. He should have moved over earlier but your split-second decision, while he’s concentrating on what sounds like very busy traffic, most likely caused him to react to you and not what he’d do normally, i.e., look first. We drove around Europe for four years and learned quickly not to make sudden unnecessary changes.
The driver needs to focus on driving and the passenger announces turns calmly and in advance, alerts for cars coming into your lane but should never tell the driver to make a last-minute change. I don’t see you taking enough responsibility for your role.” NomadLife2319
Another User Comments:
“ESH. He was driving your car with permission, with you in the car, and to benefit both of you. He caused the accident, but it doesn’t sound like he did anything remarkably dumb – like driving under the influence, texting while driving, road rage – and yes it is still his fault, but it does matter how the accident happened. Yes, he should absolutely cover some of the costs of the accident, like the deductible.
His refusal to pay anything makes him the jerk. But I’m also not sure he was unwilling to pay anything, versus just not being willing to pay what you asked. You become a jerk because the point of insurance is to get the value back from your car/pay for repairs after an accident.
So there’s no reason for him to pay half the deductible AND half of a new car payment. You are basically making money off of him by getting him to pay for half a new car (to the value of your old car) and your insurance would also give you money for the value of your old car.
I can’t figure out if you just don’t understand how insurance works, or if just nothing bad has ever happened to you, but ya, you are a jerk for trying to make money off your fiance for an accident, when he had permission to drive and was driving you around.” mfruitfly
7. AITJ For Refusing To Stop Sleeping With Plushies Despite My Dad's Mockery?
“I (M14) really love plushies because without them I can’t sleep, but my dad doesn’t want me to sleep with them.
A time while we were in Torino (Italy) for summer vacation, I brought my squishmallow, there was my family and a friend of my dad with his daughter.
When I bring my plush by someone, my dad every time mocks me saying: “When will you stop sleeping with plushies?” In front of his friend, so, they laughed at me, and I felt really embarrassed and really angry.
So…AITJ for refusing to stop sleeping with plushies?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I never understand why society feels the need to quash any remaining physical semblances of childhood whilst also glorifying the concept. What’s wrong with keeping a plushie-shaped piece of comfort with you as we all navigate this mad old world?
I’m a certifiable ResponsibleAdult™️ in my early thirties and my familiar is with me on holiday right now, and has been with me since I was 5. Don’t let your dad drag you down, some things are precious.” Environmental_Farm54
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. My son is a couple of years older than you and has two squishmallows and several other stuffies, some of which are souvenirs from family vacations. He still has the puppy and giraffe from when he was a baby. He uses the squishmallows as a pillow too.
Not only that, but I (46M) have my own small set that I built up over the years, to play with his and my daughter’s stuffies. They all hang out on one of my bedside tables. One of them is a goose that I impulse-purchased at the register at Jysk.
He is named Normal, because he doesn’t walk or fly; instead, he stays in one place and the rest of the universe moves and rotates around him, which is normal to him. I don’t have to give up my imagination and sense of fun just because I’m old.
I’m sorry your dad doesn’t support you. I think it’s admirable to choose to enjoy things that make you happy and joyful. I think it is a positive “masculine” trait to be strong enough to follow your interests rather than caving to a fear of what other people might think of you.” fishling
6. AITJ For Insisting On Keeping Our Christmas Decoration Plans Despite My Mom's Lunch Plans?
“My parents have a Christmas lunch with their friends every year, lately they’ve been doing it in November because people are usually busy with other celebrations and stuff in December.
I know it’s only October but last year our Christmas was very non-festive because everyone in the family was either tired, busy, or just not feeling it, so this year I mentioned how I was really looking forward to celebrating and decorating and everything (it’s my favorite time of the year).
The other day I told my parents that I think the 6th of December would be the perfect day to set up the Christmas tree and all because it’s a Friday and afterward I’ll be super busy with assignments and other college stuff, they agreed and we decided to make it a cool afternoon just like when I was a kid, carols and all.
Today though my mom arrived talking about how their friends are organizing Christmas lunch and she suggested doing it on December 6th, I reminded her that we agreed on setting up our decor that day and my dad agreed with me and asked my mom to talk to their friends to see if they can do it another day.
She said they can’t because it’s December and everyone is busy. My dad and I said we already had plans that day and my mom said we could move them, but I can’t because setting decor up takes a whole afternoon and I have too much stuff to do the weeks afterward, and she refuses to set up the decor in November.
My dad said that in that case, they couldn’t make it to lunch because they had already made plans with me, my mom told her friends they couldn’t make it but is being passive-aggressive towards me. So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. My mom does this.
I make plans way beforehand and she always makes plans at the same time. And somehow, her plans are more important than mine. I got fed up and I told her to enjoy her plans alone without me. She spent New Year’s one year alone because I had already accepted invites from my cousins to celebrate with them.
But my mom made plans later for us to go spend time with her friends because she was in the middle of a fight with my aunt and didn’t want to go to their place anymore. I said that I’m not changing plans just because she wants to.” TaisharMalkier69
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You could easily move your plans to the day before, the day after, or any other day. The tree and decorations could be put up in several steps – it doesn’t all have to happen at once. Your parents look forward to this get-together with their friends.
I’m sure they spend a lot of their time making sure that you have everything you need and ensuring that your life runs smoothly. You could have chosen to recognize that and to also recognize that they have a right to enjoy their life as well.
But no, you chose to make everything about you and your plans. To be honest, if I were your parent, I would have said “Well, that’s unfortunate, we will be having lunch with our friends on Dec 6th so, if you want to take part in putting up the decorations, you’ll need to slightly alter your schedule as we will be putting up the decorations from X onwards.”” Holiday_Newspaper_29
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mom might have been counting on the fact you generally have a little more latitude with family to pre-empt plans and say “I’ll make it up to you” than you do with other people. But now that you’re an adult who (I assume) doesn’t live in the same house as her anymore, it’s appropriate for each of you to treat your plans with each other with something closer to “company manners.” That means no asking for forgiveness instead of permission when it comes to double-booking.
I’ll admit that I’m a little confused as to why you can’t start decorating after lunch, or decorate on Saturday the 7th when you presumably won’t have any finals or anything like that. But for the sake of this response, I’ll take your word for it that you truly can’t do any other day in December.
If we make that assumption then… your mom had her choice between attending the Christmas lunch on December 6 and dying on the hill of not putting up the Christmas tree on November 29. She chose the latter.” Shirley_Redemple
5. AITJ For Wanting To Leave My Jobless Mother And Move Out On My Own?
“My mom refuses to get a job & we live in a very expensive city.
She has not had a job in over 14 years and has no plan to change that.
I’ve managed to work multiple jobs and live in homeless shelters with her throughout high school. She claims to be ill (doesn’t want to work unless it’s from home + has no skills/education and is picky) and demands social disability (doctor denied this since she isn’t disabled).
She then went on to receive standard social benefits (much less than disability and not even close to a livable wage).
We live in an overpriced rat and roach-infested project building. I cannot begin to explain the trauma I’ve experienced living in this condition and environment.
Not to mention the guilt-tripping when I say I am going to leave (“honor, thy mother and thy father”).
I have 2 siblings who have managed to swiftly distance themselves as they are older. They live with their partners in different cities. They ignore her calls and live their lives.
I am so envious of this. No one tells you your parents can be your worst enemy sometimes. This is so painful to experience. Trauma, lack and scarcity, lack of accountability from your parent.
Long story short, I cannot afford to move out into a 2 bedroom unit with her and pay all the rent.
I also do not want to take her along with me (share a 1 bedroom) because I feel like she will continue to take advantage of me and I unfortunately am beginning to resent her and feel uncomfortable around her. Our only option for both of us is for her to get a job and for us to roommate this situation or for me to move to a cheaper nearby city (she doesn’t want to live there) where I can afford to live solo.
I have asked my work for overtime and made them aware of why I need the money. I can manage to save 1 month’s emergency fund + first and last month’s rent by January 1st. This is my goal to move. Obviously, I would like to save more but I cannot stay here any longer.
I also currently pay rent/bills so waiting to save anything extra will take forever. I unfortunately cannot wait until I have saved 6 months of expenses. My mind and my soul do not have that long. I have lost so much weight and gotten so sick from the stress associated with this.
I can barely stand up at work or eat more than a few bites a day. I am so tired, scared, and alone.
Am I the jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She has made her choice. For years, she has forced that choice on you.
It is high time you lived your own life and let her live hers. Is she going to be mad and try to guilt trip you? Of course. But that only tells you about her. It says nothing about who you are. You’ve been conditioned your whole life to think you have to take care of your mom.
It’s hard to break that, not you can do it. Go live the life that’s best for you. Don’t let her suck you back in with her sob stories and guilt. The way things work is that parents take care of kids, not vice versa.
You didn’t get that care as a child, but you can give it to yourself now. Enjoy your freedom. You deserve every bit of it. This random internet mom is so very proud of you!” Pimento-Mori
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It is hard to change the dynamic when your parent makes you feel responsible for them.
I had that happen to me too. If she refuses to work and pay equally then despite the guilt you need to move and get a place for yourself. If this happens, do not let her move in with you. She will guilt you and it will suck but you need to reach out to a helpline and talk to somebody.
Your job may have an employee assistance number or there are free hotlines when you feel at the end of your tether. You can also talk to your siblings, they will likely be there for you emotionally if you separate from your mother as they also had this happen to them.
I’ve emotionally been where you are and talking to a counselor and developing boundaries were hard but they have done so much for me. Good luck and please do the right thing for you.” KhaleesiRoars
Another User Comments:
“Your mother has mental health issues. She has been out of work so long that it frightens her to go out and join society.
I had this too and know how it feels. There are charities that help people get back into working. They will find jobs, simple jobs in small places to allow mental health patients to feel secure. Your mental health is suffering too. I would try to reach out and find help for your mother and for you also.
This is too much of a burden.” Delicious-Cut-7911
4. AITJ For Not Wanting To Continue Pumping Breast Milk For My Sister After My Stillbirth?
“I (28F) had a stillbirth 5 weeks ago.
My sister gave birth to a healthy baby boy 4 weeks ago. After my stillbirth, I was producing milk and pumping, and my sister couldn’t breastfeed after her son was born. Formula shortage was awful and I was literally throwing my milk away, so I offered it to my sister and she gladly accepted.
I was advised by the doctors to pump for 3 weeks after the stillbirth to prevent problems for me, and then stop, otherwise I’d just keep producing milk. Due to the formula shortage, I have been pumping for 5 weeks now, to give the milk to my sister.
Now that there is more formula in stock and she has been able to buy it, I told her I’ll stop pumping.
She told me her son has stomach problems after the formula and asked me to keep pumping. I told her I emotionally cannot handle it any longer.
She said I am being selfish and she already has to feed her son by bottle (because she at first suggested I’d just nurse him for his daily feedings at least – we live next door, and I refused).
I told her I’m sorry and I can pump for a few more days so she can put some in the freezer and have some backup until she finds a better formula for her son, but she said breast milk is healthiest and I should just help her out.
She called me a selfish jerk and said that I am the embodiment of ‘misery loves company’. My mother feels I should help my own sister out. My husband said my sister is way out of line. I feel really awful because I could still help her out and I know she needs it.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, not in the least. She is being awful, your husband is right. She is cruel. I am also sorry your doctor gave you bad advice. All this pumping has started establishing a supply and now you will have to contend with other issues.
Do not quit cold turkey. Drop one pump a day. A lactation consultant should be helping you. Be aware: the sudden stopping of lactating (even if it takes a couple of weeks) can trigger a strong hormonal response. Your grief will intensify and you are at risk of developing PPA/PPP/PPD.
Absolutely be candid with your support group, husband, and doctor. While you can explain your feelings are due to loss and hormones that does not mean your body didn’t throw you into a darker place and you might need medication. Do not feel bad protecting yourself.
You need and deserve that extra care. You are not her literal cow.” Live_Background_6239
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. I can’t imagine how awful it must be. I think you already went above and beyond to help your sister and for her and your mother to expect you to keep putting yourself through that when you’ve expressed that it’s too traumatic for you shows a deep lack of empathy.
It’s not “misery loves company” at all, it’s “self-care” and I think perhaps the best thing to do would be to have a little bit of distance from your mother and sister for a while and just focus on being kind to yourself and moving through your grief with your husband in whatever way you need to.” PerniciousBeast
Another User Comments:
“Seriously, is no one, other than your husband, concerned with YOUR feelings at all? You just lost a child, and that’s a grief I cannot even fathom, and I’m sorry that happened to you. You were under no obligation to help your sister in the first place, considering how painful and exhausting, emotionally and physically, it is to pump breast milk.
Your family should be treating you with more empathy and respect. And to call YOU the selfish jerk?? That is absolutely vile. You even pumped for 2 weeks after your Dr recommended you stop, just to help your sister, and it’s deplorable she has no appreciation for you and what you did for your nephew.
NTJ, in any way, shape, or form.” SnooMacarons5460
3. AITJ For Insisting My Female Best Friend Be My Best Woman At My Wedding?
“I, a 28-year-old male, just proposed to my fiance, a 26-year-old female named Sarah. I have one child from my wife who passed away in 2021. I honestly never thought I’d find love again but I did. The problem is that my fiance doesn’t want my best friend Zara, a 29-year-old female, to be my best woman.
For context, my best friend and I have been friends since we were seven years old. She and her family moved in next door and we both bonded over not having the best family situations. We’ve always had quite the sibling bond and even people who don’t know us sometimes mistake us for siblings because of the way we interact.
I love Zara like a little sister. She was there for me when my mom passed and when my wife passed in 2021. She used to bring over food for my son and me. She and her then-partner and now husband would take him out of the house if I just needed to be alone and my son adores her.
She’s been there for me at my worst and I wanted her to be a part of a new chapter in my life.
The problem is that my fiance isn’t really her biggest fan. When they first met, Sarah said that when she spoke to her she sounded rude and condescending, which is kind of true because Zara has a much deeper voice than most women and is on the spectrum so she sounds monotonous all the time.
I’ve explained that to Sarah but she thinks it’s just an excuse. (I was with Sarah the first time they met and she didn’t say anything rude or condescending). She’s also very sarcastic so pair that with the voice and people think she’s rude. She’s actually very kind.
She offers to take Sarah out for girls’ night when she and the other women of the friend group go, she’s made an effort to bond with her but according to Sarah they just don’t click which I was fine with because not everyone has to like each other.
It’s not like they’re rude to each other and fight, they’re quite friendly and cordial.
Sarah and I were discussing wedding plans the other day and I brought up having Zara as my best woman and Sarah shot down the idea. When I asked why she said she didn’t want Zara to stick out among the other groomsmen.
I assumed maybe she didn’t want Zara to wear a dress because she loves her dresses so I told her she’d be fine wearing a suit but she still said no and I got confused and asked if she didn’t want Zara in the wedding party at all and she said yes.
She said she didn’t want to give her friends and other people the wrong impression of me (which to me was very childish.) I insisted that I want Zara as my best woman because as much as I consider my fiancee my best friend and want to make her happy, Zara is also an important person in my life and I want her by my side.
She got frustrated and isn’t speaking to me anymore and her friends think that this means that there’s something going on between me and Zara. (She’s a married woman who hates deception with every fiber of her being and I see her as my sister by the way.) AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – congrats on your engagement! I can understand where your fiance is coming from, a lot of people will always be apprehensive/jealous of their partners having friends of the opposite sex. However, the entire time you have been together, she has known that you have a close female friend.
If it is truly a massive problem for her, she shouldn’t have continued her relationship with you. Please consider: would you honestly be 100% fine with her having a male “maid of honor” for the wedding? If so, fair enough. Personally, I don’t think you should throw away your whole relationship over this, but I do think you need to explain to her how she is the person you want to marry, and that you just want your best mate up there with you too.
Her husband could even be another one of the groomsmen. Good luck to you with whatever happens!” spudddyy
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. “She said she didn’t want to give her friends and other people the wrong impression of me (which to me was very childish.)” EXCUSE ME!?
What kind of impression has she given them that allowing a close family member (because that is the relationship I’ve understood is between you and Zara) to be with you on one of the biggest happy moments can give a wrong impression? If her friends and “other” people’s first thought is that you are being deceptive with Zara just because she is your best woman, then that says more of their morals and own experiences (as another woman in a relationship).
I would reconsider going to the next level of this relationship until this is properly figured out. I wouldn’t at all be surprised if she requests you to stop hanging out with Zara and try stopping any interaction between her and your child. I would really ask yourself if you are willing to cut Zara off for this relationship because that request will be coming down the line from Sarah.” cattleyawarscewiczii
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but let’s look at this differently. You’re a widower and a father meaning Sarah can never occupy the first position in your heart. This may be a subconscious feeling mind you. You never and can’t ever really fall out of love with your first wife, not like someone who is divorced can but you’ve managed to move on, which is incredible by the way, good for you on that.
You also have a child with your first wife, again that’s a relationship that Sarah can’t ever hold, imagine a wall between that part of your heart and her. That wall can be small, a fence even that she can reach across but to her, that’s a barrier.
Now you add Zara into the mix. Another woman who has a place in your heart. All love is different, she has her own spot and her own walls and fences but imagine all this is set up as a circle with you in the middle, much of the space closest to you, in her heart is occupied. She feels she has to wedge herself in.
Mind you this is just presumptive on my behalf and again may be subconscious on Sarah’s behalf but that sounds like the situation. It’s like in-laws, she will not marry your in-laws, they come along, and she has to accept or at the very least, tolerate them.
Zara should be viewed as your sister for how she’s supported, a friend yes, no blood, but friends are the family we choose. That’s how you need to explain this to Sarah. Getting an intermediary may also help but I’m not going to say this is a red flag and telling you to cut and run like most of the others.
You’re NTJ, don’t placate her but change how to explain it to her, respect her feelings but she needs to respect yours, Zara is important, the family you’ve chosen. There’s no need for Sarah and her to be friends, that wouldn’t be fair, but Zara is your friend and Sarah can’t do the same.
Might want to seek counseling.” HLD_Steed
2. AITJ For Disagreeing With My Wife About Letting Our Niece Read A Controversial Book?
“The kid (16f) is my wife’s brother’s daughter. She is living with us since my BIL and his wife are in prison right now.
She recently asked if she could borrow one of my wife’s books.
I know this book since I read it once before giving it to my wife.
My wife said no. She also told our niece she can’t borrow it at a library or buy a copy for herself at a bookstore. She is forbidden from reading it.
This came as a bit of a shock since it’s the first time my wife actually said ‘You can’t read that.’
When the kid was in bed, I asked my wife why since our niece has seen some explicit stuff on TV series and this book isn’t any more explicit.
My wife said she doesn’t want our niece to read a book where the male lead courts the female lead just because he wants her to look after his children during the day and take care of his needs at night. She doesn’t want our niece to think this kind of behavior is romantic.
I told her the kid is old enough at 16 to understand that behaviors that seem romantic in fiction aren’t always romantic in reality. That the brooding guy who doesn’t want to spend time with his kids and tells a woman she is wonderful and asks her to do his job for him isn’t as attractive in real life as in a book.
My wife told me she is the one who is actually related to our niece and should get the final say, and that I was wasting her time arguing about this.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She is 16 years old. SHE should be in charge of what she reads.
If she doesn’t enjoy the book she will quit reading it. Forbidding her from reading it isn’t going to stop her, it will just make her sneak it. Also, at 12 I read Flowers in the Attic. And Clan of the Cave Bear. I checked out both from the school library.
Believe it or not, I am not traumatized due to reading either book.” sheramom4
Another User Comments:
“NTJ if your wife’s reasoning was simply “I don’t want to lend out my copy but by all means check it out from a library” that’d be different.
Plenty of bookworms/book lovers don’t like lending out their own books (myself included, save for a couple of people who I know will not damage the book and will return it to me). But her reasoning is… bad, honestly. 16 years old is old enough to recognize toxic behaviors, to learn toxic behaviors.
Just because the male lead IS doing those things doesn’t mean it’s healthy and this could be a good learning opportunity if it’s talked about. Just like I know that the dark romances I read aren’t healthy (if someone stalks me irl I’m calling the cops man not sleeping with them).
ALSO, she’s not the mother here. What does mom think? That would be more important than what your wife/the aunt thinks. Maybe get your niece her own copy of the book (if her parents are cool with that).” Vixtoria01
Another User Comments:
““Forbidden Books” was a promotion at my local library for books that were too graphic/gay/political. I picked from that section most because of the allure of the books being forbidden.
So.. if your wife really doesn’t want y’all’s niece to read that book, she really shot herself in the foot by being so strict from the jump. “Do NOT press this button, I FORBID you for NO REASON.” Literally any stage of my life I am pressing that button.
Youth need explanations and reason to be convinced, blind authority seems to work better on boomers nowadays than teens. Also? Kinda bad to basically say you aren’t family enough to have your niece’s best interests. Like really bad actually. That might be worse than when I was left out of my step-granddad’s obituary.
NTJ, in her efforts to protect y’all’s niece, your wife has demoted you to non-family, which is so insulting and hypocritical considering that SHE is the REASON you are part of the family. Is marriage just a word? I’m sure your niece sees you as family, I’m sorry for how you are being treated.” Comfortable-Big-7743
1. AITJ For Calling The Cops On My Husband After He Locked Me Out?
“I (24f) am in the process of divorcing my husband (29m).
We have 2 children and a dog, the typical “American family” dynamic. I’m a stay-at-home mom and he’s in the military. He was unfaithful to me when I was pregnant with our second child. I eventually was unfaithful to him. Horrible marriage and do not recommend marrying a military man.
Anyways back to the story. We got into a huge argument that resulted in him locking me out of the house. For context, we live on a military base. He ignored my pleading to unlock the door. My children were inside along with my keys and wallet so I couldn’t go anywhere.
I texted him and told him if he didn’t open the door I would be calling the cops.
He still ignored me
About 15 minutes later the police arrived and he came out trying to argue with ME. He wasn’t arrested but I took my children and we’ve been staying at my friend’s house until I move back in with my parents (yes the children are coming with me) AITJ though for calling the cops on him?”
Another User Comments:
“No, you are NTJ. You need to look after yourself. Just don’t forget to take all your important papers, such as birth certificate, marriage certificate, and passports for you and the kids.” DiamondHeist1970
Another User Comments:
“NTJ your husband is terrible and I’m glad you’re divorcing.
But, please don’t lump all military men in the same category as your soon-to-be ex. There are good, loving, strong, honest, capable, moral men who serve. Just remember that there are good and bad people in all walks of life.” sheba71smokey32
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He locked you AND your children out. He held your possessions hostage. You warned him you would call the cops. He messed around and found out. Please, if divorce is possible, consider it. Document any and all abusive incidents like this.” Lavender-popcorn
