People Want Reassurance That They're Blameless In Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories

“So my (26) best friend (27F) Amy (fake name) and I have known each other since our college days, I loved her like my sister she’s a huge part of my life. After graduation we got jobs in the same company, I was ecstatic as I really liked the idea of us being together even after college.

So here is the incident. One of our coworkers (27M) Steve likes Amy. He asked her out. He was planning on quitting the company after 2 months as he got a better job opportunity abroad. Amy is currently single and is looking for a relationship. The thing is that Amy started hating Steve as he got the job abroad to which she had also applied. When Steve asked her out Amy declined it in a friendly way and told him to not bring that up later.

It was going all good until one of my other coworkers told me that Steve had been fired from our company and his job abroad is also at stake as somebody reported him for workplace harassment.

I was shocked and confused, he was a good guy like genuinely was a good guy even Amy talked well about him.

Later that evening Amy said that it was she who reported him to HR for harassment. I asked her what happened, and apparently, he told her that he still likes her. I asked her if he had misbehaved with her. She laughed in my face when I was concerned about her.

She then proceeded to tell me that she just didn’t like the guy. She hated that he got the job. So when Steve talked to her she saw it as a chance to lose his new job as she was the next in line to get that job.

She then told me that she felt sorry for him as she thought that Steve would only lose his new job, not the one that he has in our company. I got furious and shouted at her that I will inform the company and went home.

I don’t know what to do. If I report her to HR then Amy’s career will be over but at the same time, I want to help Steve. I just can’t look at Amy the same way. Amy’s family has been texting and calling me the jerk.

They are furious at me as I said I’ll report it to HR. I am feeling betrayed by her, I don’t know what made her do this. AITJ for wanting to report against Amy?

Edit: I went to work today and learned that he was NOT FIRED but was SUSPENDED until the HR investigation is done and they are withdrawing the recommendation the company made for his new job until the investigation is done which will result in him losing the new job.

I’m going to talk to Amy and ‘apologize’ to her so that I can hear the entire story about what she told HR.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You need to write down what she said, where she said it, etc. Who, what, where, and when.

If there are any screenshots, save them.

If she’s dumb enough to confess to one person, she’ll tell others. It will leak. And you can either be the one coming clean or getting fired/sued for helping cover it up.

Plus, I guarantee if she thinks you’re going to HR, she will want to find something to pin on you.

Whoever reports first tends to look the most honest. Do the right and smart thing. Write it all up, give it to HR and Steve.” ExcitingTabletop

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

Please report her. You have learned something very important from the incident. Amy is two-faced and extremely vindictive and cruel.

This is her true nature under the social mask.

We always want to believe in the best of our friends, but you can’t avert your eyes when they do something terrible. She will never be the same person in your eyes, and worse, since you called her out at all, she’s likely not going to talk about doing to you what she did to this guy for revenge if you let it go.

If her family can’t harass you into giving in, she will likely try to strike first hoping to get you fired so you don’t ever get a chance to report it someday.” Slight_Flamingo_7697

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

By calling her out you’ve painted a target on yourself and your vicious, dishonest, manipulative ‘friend’ IS going to come after you to neutralize you before you can report her to HR.

You MUST talk to HR about this as soon as possible. If you have evidence then give it to them. Including her family’s harassment and threats.

Make sure they know that you feel she will now target you for refusing to stay silent. That her false accusations have harmed Steve’s next job prospects as well and that they need to reach out and fix this if possible.

Her false accusations may have left them open to a lawsuit from Steve.

She’s not your friend and if she’s the kind of person who would destroy someone else’s life to get ahead then you’re well rid of her.” User

“So my (25F) partner (26M) recently moved to a new city. At the time I was 6 months pregnant and we have a 1-year-old. Before we moved, we agreed I would stay at home and take care of our child and not strain myself too much with the baby on the way (the doctor said I was a high risk).

Let’s also note that my partner works overnight. Well one particular evening was hard for me since our 1-year-old was being extra fussy so I wasn’t able to put her to sleep until almost 2 am and coincidently my partner calls me about an hour later saying his female coworker was leaving work early and didn’t have a ride home and asked if I could take her home.

Now, I told him no for the following reasons: 1. I don’t know her, he’s never mentioned her, and for past reasons, I don’t trust strangers. Male or female. And 2. I had JUST put our daughter to sleep, I wasn’t about to wake her up for someone I don’t know.

Well, he blew up on me saying ‘this is why bad things happen to you all the time, and it’s not like you work so you can sleep all day, why can’t you help a stranger out so you can get good karma’ along with other colorful things about how I’m a bad person.

Personally, I don’t think I’m in the wrong for not wanting to get up in the middle of the night with our daughter just to take a stranger home. IN A NEW CITY.

Side note: we have one car, and I had the car so my partner wouldn’t have been able to take her home if he wanted.

So AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ but your partner is. Why come up with so much drama over a co-worker? Also, it’s 3 am, and who in their right mind wakes up a pregnant lady with a 1-year-old asking if she can drive a co-worker at home?

Was he expecting you to put the baby in the back of the car and head out to help some random person? Isn’t there what’s called a taxi in the part of the country you live in? You should have told him to get lost as you are super tired and couldn’t care about some random person you don’t care about.

The crap about karma is just nonsense or else many bad people should be dead and buried by now but they all seem to thrive. Look after yourself and your little one.” SPolowiski

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

You’re pregnant. You have a toddler. It’s the middle of the night and said toddler is asleep (finally).

Your partner is a jerk for even asking you to get up, get dressed, wake the toddler, and drive to his work for anything less than an emergency, which this certainly is not.

I assume the woman in question is an adult. She has a job and a life and should be able to take care of her own transportation needs.

That your partner saw fit to berate you for saying no is what concerns me most. How often does he do this kind of thing with you? Are you sure this is how you want to be treated – how you want your kids to be treated – for the rest of your life?

You deserve a lot more respect than what he’s showing you. A. LOT. MORE.” The-Answer-Is-57

Another User Comments:

“Hmm, I wonder why he would blow up over you not dropping everything to ‘help a stranger out.’ Sounds like somebody’s keeping a dirty little secret.

Maybe that’s the reason for all the rage he feels inside.

I would have said, ‘Well, I guess that’s bad news for you because I have something unfortunate to share with you: you have just become single.’

You’re not in the wrong.

You’re not a bad person. Your man is a jerk and cares more about some female coworker than he cares about his partner and his child.

NTJ.” CyclonicHavoc

“I (32F) have cervical myelopathy from a snowboarding injury. I need surgery for it but due to the healthcare system I’ve been waiting for years and it’s been getting worse.

One of my best friends was supposed to be married in 2020 but had to push it to Oct 2022. So at that point, I was still able to walk and she wanted to have it at a national park. The walk is about 2 km uphill to a waterfall and lake.

The walk has roots so I can’t ride a wheelchair there.

So it’s been over 2 years and I tell her a few months ago I probably can’t make the walk. We brainstormed some other solutions but in the end, it doesn’t look like there’s an easy way for me to attend.

There was a guy friend coming that could help carry me but he moved countries and decided not to attend. She apologized but said it was her dream to get married at that waterfall and I said I understood but was definitely not happy about it since we had been friends for years and I expected to attend.

I did say to a mutual friend I wasn’t happy with her choice of a wedding venue and I wish she valued me enough to change it so I can go. I know when she made the plans I confirmed I could go but I think she should be able to change plans since time has passed. That friend I was offloading to offloaded to the bridesmaids and people took sides.

Some contacted the bride and told her to change the venue because they felt like I should be allowed to attend and others said it was planned for and I shouldn’t expect it to change for me.

I didn’t realize how bad it got until the bride came back and accused me of trying to ruin her wedding.

I said I just told a friend what I thought and I didn’t go any further and she called me selfish and told me it was her wedding and the global crisis wasn’t her fault so she couldn’t control that in that time I’d gotten worse.

I told her she can’t but if she had any compassion for me she’ll change it to somewhere I can go and she hung up on me.

She then canceled the wedding completely but I heard she basically eloped and got married to her fiancé with only half the bridesmaids and her parents present.

The ones who defended me and argued with her said she cut them out of the wedding and has stopped talking to them. I feel really had now because I didn’t actually want to go to the wedding badly enough to lose her as a friend but I didn’t think she would cut us all off as a result.

I don’t know if I should contact her or what to say or if I’m even in the wrong in this.”

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. You managed to make a good, long-term friend’s wedding plans all about you. It’s incredibly selfish to think that after she had to postpone her wedding for 2 YEARS she should also have to give up her DREAM venue to accommodate someone who should’ve been supportive and excited for her.

You could’ve been FaceTimed in if you wanted to watch her vows that badly or just waited for the pictures to come out like everyone else who isn’t able to attend a wedding. Her friend that moved out of the country didn’t ask her to change plans when he couldn’t go and you shouldn’t have either.

People miss weddings they really want to go to for financial, health, and logistical reasons all the time.

Instead of gossiping you should’ve been sending a congratulatory card with some cash. You and everyone else who didn’t pick the bride’s side are all jerks.” RepeatDramatic2667

Another User Comments:

“YTJ

‘So it’s been over 2 years and I tell her a few months ago I probably can’t make the walk.’

Your dear friend has waited for years to have her wedding, and when she made plans, you could attend.

Then, a few months before the wedding, you tell her you probably can’t. Then, you started trouble by telling a friend that you wished she valued you enough to change her wedding plans so you could attend. Why don’t you value her enough to bow out gracefully or find someone else who can carry you?

My dear friend called to tell me she was pregnant and had terrible morning sickness a day or two before my wedding. Of course, there was nothing we could do at that point. Her parents and husband took lots of pictures to show her, and we watched the video together after the wedding.

Yes, friends want each other at their important milestones, but they also make accommodations for those friends.

You closed your story by saying you didn’t want to go to the wedding badly enough to lose her as a friend, but you didn’t realize she would cut you off.

She is angry because you gossiped about her and tried to make out that she is in the wrong at a time when she is already stressed. Sometimes throwing yourself at another person’s feet (figuratively) with a genuine apology works wonders.” General_Relative2838

Another User Comments:

“YTJ – It’s not your wedding. I understand your circumstances have changed and I’m sorry for your situation, but your saying she has no compassion for you because she doesn’t want to change her wedding location is such an overstep. Stop playing the victim card.

You have no right to dictate where or when someone gets married, if you can’t attend for whatever reason then unfortunately that’s something you need to accept. I’m disabled but I don’t expect the world to bend to me, there are some things I’ll never be able to do but not much I can do about it.

The fact you say ‘I wish she valued me enough to change it so I could go’ tells me you care more about having a day out than a friend celebrating her wedding how she wants to. You don’t seem happy for her, you seem worried about yourself and nothing more.” givemethc27

“My daughter is going to jail. She is a single mother by choice. She blames her problems on the way that she was raised. We had too many rules for her. We expected her to have her chores and homework done every day before bed. We had a curfew for her on Friday and Saturday.

We would pay for her education, but only if she studied something that could help her with a career.

We didn’t prohibit her from pursuing her hobbies. We encouraged and funded them. Her extracurriculars in high school and her college electives were completely up to her.

She has been convicted of a financial crime and she will be away for a while. She wants her son to stay with her cousin. That isn’t a problem. Her cousin is a good person. She is a great mom and her husband is a good provider.

However, the cousin approached me to say that she doesn’t want my grandson there. He is a bully and sort of wild. My daughter tried to raise him with no real discipline. She wants me to go with her to see my daughter and tell her it would be better if my grandson stays with me.

I am afraid that my daughter will react poorly since she knows that her son will be exposed to limits on his behavior. My husband and I have already spoken and if it becomes an issue we will go to court to seek guardianship of my grandson.

My sister, her cousin’s mom, is calling me a jerk for not just following my daughter’s wishes. Her daughter has spoken with her about why she doesn’t want him in her home long term. But she just says that he is family and that she should just do the right thing.

I am really conflicted. I want to help my grandson but I know I will drive my daughter further away.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

If your sister is so interested in keeping the kids from you, she can take him. Cousin probably should flat out tell your daughter that she cannot take the child.

Maybe even in writing through the court or your daughter’s lawyer. (That would make it a little more official.) No one can force cousin to take the child in.

Having the cousin go through your daughter’s lawyer can help if the lawyer has a Come to Jesus talk with your daughter about what will happen if she does not have a viable plan for her son.

If she is willing to give you guardianship/custody/whatever now, she can negotiate with you on the terms. If she doesn’t have a workable plan when she goes to prison, the court will give her one. This kind of case is actually why grandparents’ rights laws were written.

I would suggest that you get your own lawyer to help navigate the system. Also, have family and individual therapy lined up and figure out what you are going to tell the schools.” Working-on-it12

Another User Comments:

“It isn’t going to matter what daughter wants… cousin says no, so CPS/courts will look for a kinship placement and it is very possible that will be you.

I doubt there will be a need to force it from the daughter unless there are other relatives lined up to help.

Kids have been raised in horrible circumstances and turned out well…they have also been raised in the best of circumstances and turned out poorly.

Daughter is an adult, no one is responsible for her life path but herself.

Definitely NTJ, OP. The only choice you really need to make is if you talk to daughter before she is incarcerated or simply let this play out… in either case, you will be raising your grandson.” User

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. It might not be what your daughter wants, and she likely thinks she knows best having what sounds like a fairly opposite style of parenting to your own, most likely because she doesn’t agree with it, but it sounds like considering he’s not a great kid it would be good for him to get some structure and discipline and she just might have not raised him quite right so far.

It does have to be considered that at the end of the day, he’s not your child and so final decisions are not down to you. But, from the other side, it doesn’t sound like your daughter is exactly in the best position to be guiding a child through whatever stage of growing up he’s at.

The cousin doesn’t want him in her house. So what real other options are there? Is your sister aware of this, is she proposing the cousin take him in any way with no regard for her desires?

Does your daughter see any wrong in the behavior of her son?

Perhaps if she knows he’s not the most well-behaved, in the end, it might end up that she sees it as a good thing that he got some more structure, a male figure of authority, and discipline in his life. It sounds like it would be beneficial in the long run.” Hashbuddha

“I (25F) am married to my husband Richard (42M). He has two identical twin daughters with his ex-wife who are 9 years old. For the purpose of this post, I’ll call them Isabelle and Maria.

I struggle to tell the girls apart so my husband gave Isabelle a pink wristband and Maria a blue one so I could tell them apart.

I’m currently 5 months pregnant with our son and one of my biggest cravings is snickers bars. This is an issue because Maria is allergic to nuts, so I usually eat them in my car, our bedroom, or the backyard to avoid contamination. Maria’s allergy is quite severe and she knows she isn’t supposed to eat anything with nuts in them.

On Friday, I was sitting in my bedroom going ham on some mini snickers bars while watching Netflix when one of the twins came into my room. I asked who she was and she said she was Isabelle and she asked to come to sit by me.

I didn’t even know she was at home but she told me that her dad dropped her off with the keys and he went back to work which is something he does often without telling me. I checked the wristband to make sure it was Isabelle and she had a pink one so I didn’t think twice and I let her sit by me.

She took a piece of chocolate from me and ate it which to me confirmed I was with Isabelle because Maria knows she was not supposed to have Snickers. Turns out I was wrong and the girls had swapped wristbands to play a joke on me and she immediately started experiencing a reaction.

Thankfully I had an epi-pen and I drove her to the ER and called my husband. He called their mother who was infuriated and she started yelling at me in the ER waiting area and I ended up having a panic attack. Maria ended up being fine and the girls came clean about wanting to play a prank on me.

Maria hasn’t had a reaction for the past few years so she’s saying she forgot how bad and serious they were.

My husband is on my side and he’s saying that Maria is old enough to know she shouldn’t be eating any nut products and it’s not my fault I thought she was Isabelle but their mother is saying that I shouldn’t have any nut products in the house that could tempt Maria and since I struggle to tell them apart, the smart thing would’ve been for me not to allow either of them to have the chocolate.

She’s now demanding that the girls aren’t to be left alone with me and other family members are berating me for being careless. I just feel so awful and terrible and I would like an unbiased outside perspective on the situation. AITJ for giving my stepdaughter a snickers bar?

Edit: I’m autistic so I struggle with faces. I am actively trying to memorize their differences.”

Another User Comments:

“OP, you are NTJ. Not only did you already attempt to confirm which individual you were giving the candy to, but you were explicitly lied to when you did so.

Maria knowingly ingested a nut product of her own volition. She is not a wild animal who can’t control herself if you have nuts in the house. Honestly, are they going to keep her on a leash in the grocery store because she might be tempted by the peanut butter?

9 years old is old enough to start managing her own allergy.” VerendusAudeo

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. The kids are 9. They know they are allergic to nuts and should be careful. They took sooo many steps to be in the wrong it’s crazy. Switch bands, LIE and SHE ate the bar, you did not offer it.

She should have known better. And it sounds like she’s taking it as a lesson learned.

The mother is now blaming you because you let her blame you. The kids are not babies. They know better but chose to do this. I acknowledge that they are still young but this does not take away their responsibility in this.

If the kids had played this prank at school and had the nuts at school, what would be the consequences?” Aggressive_Cup8452

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You took every precaution you could to make sure you were talking to Isabelle, and Maria knows she cannot eat nut products, so it’s all on them for pulling that prank.

Also, the part where their mom says you shouldn’t have had any nut products in the house is kind of ridiculous. While 9 years old is admittedly a very young age, it’s not too young that they wouldn’t understand that Maria shouldn’t eat nut products under any circumstances, and neither is it too young that they cannot resist the urge of eating everything they find.

If Maria had eaten Snickers in your absence because you hadn’t made sure she couldn’t reach them, that would’ve been a different story. But you made extra sure you weren’t letting Maria have the Snickers.” KCJV

“My husband (29m) and I (23f) were sitting on our patio and it’s currently 44 degrees outside which doesn’t seem bad, but we’re both Florida natives and this is pretty much freezing for us.

I suggested I make us some hot cocoas, the fancy kind, with marshmallows and whipped cream and chocolate drizzle, etc since we finally have some cold weather. Why not enjoy it, it’s the Christmas season after all. so off I went, it took me probably 20 minutes to make them, while he stayed outside and waited for me.

He was sitting on a rattan swivel chair, similar looking to a bean bag chair almost but with a base attached at the bottom. (This info is important to note) It doesn’t actually swivel, it just leans back a little, like how you would sit in a bean bag.

I come outside with our hot cocoas and go to hand him his, he takes it out of my hands, still leaning back in the chair. I go to sit down in another chair on our patio, and he tells me he didn’t want whip cream and that I should’ve known that because when does he ever get whip cream on drinks (we go to Starbucks a little too much)?

I replied ‘oh I didn’t realize, can you just drink it like that or is it really a big deal’ to which he got irritated. And as he went to sit up to respond, he spilled the entire hot cocoa on himself. He quickly stood up and proceeded to tell me ‘it was my fault and that I shouldn’t have handed him the drink while he was leaning back in the chair because how would he be able to sit up.’ I didn’t say anything, which further annoyed him, and told me to clean up the mess while he went to shower.

I didn’t clean the mess up, I left it there for him because I was just so upset about how I put all this effort into making these drinks for him to not even say thank you. I didn’t clean the mess up and it ruined this $500 chair and he called me a jerk.

So… AITJ?

UPDATE: I started noticing the manipulative and abusive behavior already occurring in my marriage in daily life. I started to put up a fight for myself, hoping he would be accountable and honest. I was met with anger and more abuse. As of one week ago, we are now getting a divorce.

I stood my ground, even when met with apologies and sob stories from him. I know it’s never going to change. I also know, I deserve so much more. So I packed his stuff, called his mother to come to get her child (because that’s what he is), and filed for divorce.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – You sound like a peach. He sounds like a jerk.

You did something nice for him, and instead of being grateful, he was immediately rude. ‘You should’ve known,’ like he’s admonishing a child. Then you asked for clarification if it was a big deal or if he could still drink it, and he got angry and spilled his drink on himself.

Then blamed you for his own accident! He sounds petty and childish, and you’re in no way at fault here.

He ruined his own chair. All over whipped cream.” CrimsonKnight_004

Another User Comments:

“No. If anyone’s the jerk, it’s his parents for raising a spoiled brat of a man.

If he didn’t want whipped cream, all he had to do was be a big boy and say ‘thank you for the drink, but I don’t really like whipped cream’ and maybe – if he can do such a thing without needing his little baby hand held – sort it out himself.

I can’t stand it when people throw tantrums over stuff like this, especially when they’re aware something nice is being done for them. It’s based on ingratitude.

Also, he spilled it on himself. How dare he use you as a scapegoat for his own faults?

You are NTJ.” Impossible_Disk_43

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

If your husband acts like that over something so small and trivial, I can’t imagine how he reacts to other life occurrences.

Talk with him, don’t let this slide. If he doesn’t own up to his behavior and treat you with kindness… There is someone else who will!

Believe me, I let things slide in two different long-term relationships and I regret it terribly.” Full-Tale2212

“My mum and her sister are both baking enthusiasts and they bake for almost a week in December for the extended family + friends on a professional level. All the stuff they bake has to be flawless, and they’ve been working on perfecting the recipes/techniques since before I was born – I’m in my early 20s now.

My long-term partner is into baking as well and she has asked me if she can join them this year for 1-2 days to help and learn from them. My partner likes baking as a hobby and does it for fun (with great results!), sometimes we bake together and it’s a blast. As a child I learned that the bakery is not a place to mess around: measurements to the decimal, insane schedule, perfect shape, precise ingredient shopping, I think you see where I’m getting at.

I told my partner all that and said that their understanding of baking is very different from her style and there might be conflicts so maybe she could get one recipe and start with that on her own first.

She was annoyed: she can keep up with no problem and it’s not the same thing to read a recipe vs learning by doing.

I agree with the latter but I saw issues ahead. I asked my mum, and she said, of course my partner can join (usually they get along super well) but it will be better for her to watch because she will likely not hold up to their standards and they want to deliver their usual level.

My partner insisted to get her hands dirty and offered to help with buying ingredients/prep work so my mum said they can give it a try.

Shopping for ingredients prior to baking went well, but the first baking day was also the last for my partner and a disaster.

My partner called me crying 3 hours into the day, saying that she was rudely sent home. In summary, my partner was benched to watch, after she ruined one dough and did not measure dough portions accurately enough. My partner was not ok with just watching, they argued for a while.

Eventually, my partner said something about them being stubborn/petty about every little detail, she has done well and people will eat the cookies. They said something like it was not fine with them and they thought she wanted to learn not to change the way they baked, she is welcome to watch but cannot bake with them and if she does not want to watch, she can leave.

As far as I know, there were no insults. My partner started crying, packed her things, and left.

My mum/aunt are mad and they did not appreciate my partner’s behavior. My partner is mad at them for being overly accurate and she’s mad at me as well because I won’t agree with her.

I love her to death but I cannot agree with her based on the information I have. I told her calmly that I’m sorry it went down like it has, but I don’t agree that she is right. I’ve warned her about their style and she told me she would be fine.

She was really cold afterward and she only spoke to me out of necessity for a few days and is still colder than usual 2 weeks later.

Should I have handled this differently? AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

She was allowed to be there on the condition she just watch.

I assume she agreed with the terms. Then when the day came she started to push her agenda. She was then given the option to watch or leave. She left.

Your partner does not respect the boundaries set by your mom and aunt. They have standards.

They want to keep their standards.

Your partner wants them to lower their standards just to what? Validate her? I thought she wanted to learn.

And if they lower their standards, people comment on it, and your mom and aunt tell them it’s because of your partner, will she be ok with that?

Based on your story, I don’t think she will.” AffectionateCable793

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. It’s too bad that she really didn’t get the level of commitment that your mom and aunt have to what they do and how they do it, and decided to then take their feedback personally as an attack or belittlement vs.

‘these women have their preferences and it’s their kitchen and you’re crashing their baking party so you play ball by their rules full stop.’ The fact that she’s then taking it out on you for not taking her side shows some super strong resistance to feedback and accepting she’s wrong.

I’m not going to say she’s the jerk, but when all of this blows over, you and she should probably have a chat about the underlying insecurity that’s fueling this because this shouldn’t have turned into what it did. Imagine if this was over something like where to send a child to school or how to spend shared money – you know, something with actual consequences.

Yikes.” User

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – You warned your partner what your mom and aunt are like, you warned her you didn’t think it would be a good idea, and your mom told her beforehand that she thought it was just better that she watched because they have incredibly high standards (which is their rights) and you even told her how you thought it was going to turn out… and you were right.

You aren’t the jerk because you warned her, she insisted on going anyways, then got mad when they wouldn’t change their normal ways of doing things for her.

I do feel a tad bad for her though, she was probably just wanting to bond with your mom and aunt while taking part in a Christmas tradition… Unfortunately not the time to do this.

The alternative would have been for her to ask your mom to give her baking lessons when the pressure wasn’t so high… that being said, if she isn’t going to listen to their instructions and start over when she doesn’t do it right or to your mom’s/aunt’s standard… her learning from them is never going to be a good time.” Motor_Link_9005

“My partner (21) is almost a fully licensed plumber and has his gas license.

My brother and his wife (25&28) are paramedics. They redid their bathroom and my partner spent over 16 hours helping them (well helping my dad because my brother is not very handy and his wife obviously takes no part). My brother kept saying we’ll pay you back at Christmas kinda thing and gave my partner a 100$ gift card, which was nice but I was taken back but didn’t say anything to my partner or my brother.

I think my partner was a bit shocked considering how much work he did for him.

Now my brother is hooking up to the city water line as he was on a septic system and asked my partner to redirect/redo their plumbing. They already took up all the cement floor together and now my partner has to do all the plumbing.

My partner asked me if he thinks my brother will even offer him anything in regard to paying him because it is a really big job. I said I’m not sure and it was an awkward conversation because it was my family and I encouraged him to say something.

Knowing my partner won’t say anything, I called my brother and said can you please just offer to pay my partner. My brother lost his mind, called me a jerk, said he was going to block me, etc. He asked why I asked this and I said I wasn’t sure if you were going to pay him.

Anyways he continued to yell at me. I apologized and acknowledged it wasn’t my place and explained that I know my partner won’t say anything but it’s nice to just offer, also that he is doing this on his time off after working 10 hours days and on the weekend.

It ended in him saying he was blocking my phone number and I told him I was going to tell my partner and perhaps find a different plumber to hire and enjoy spending the money.

AITJ for getting involved? I feel bad and now I’m worried my brother will force my father to do all the work when he’s got a bad back.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

Your brother’s reaction is appalling. You’d better call your dad and warn him he might get recruited for the job and he shouldn’t take it because it will further punish his back, and to use the excuse his back is already hurting to not be guilted into helping.

To be fair, your partner is also at fault, but not a jerk. It’s already happened once. Doing it again and feeling resentful is just foolish. He should have had the spine to say ‘Sure, I can do that. I’ll give you the discounted family price.

Instead of $X, let’s settle on the $Y amount. Let me know if that works for you and when so I won’t accept a different booking.’

On the upside, now your partner doesn’t have to do a free job.” peregrine_throw

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, no this was a place to step in. This is your relationship partner being taken advantage of by a member of your family. While I acknowledge that your partner is an adult, your brother actively trying to take advantage of your partner is something to step in on.

I think you need to pull away from feeling bad cuz you think that all of this work is going to be thrust upon your father. If you want to do something productive on that end, talk with your father and remind him that he is a grown man who is also able to say no if someone is trying to take advantage of him.

And if he doesn’t have the strength, let him know you are also willing to defend him like you were your partner.

If you are concerned people in your immediate circle are going to be taken advantage of by your brother because they don’t know how to defend themselves, offer your assistance as a spine so they don’t get taken advantage of.

Your brother should go and pay for professionals instead of taking advantage of family members.” JCBashBash

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

But your partner really needs to learn to stand up for himself.

The first batch of work was a learning experience – he expected to be getting more in return, while your brother expected it to be done as a favor for family (and probably thought his gift was completely appropriate, if not generous).

Neither is necessarily wrong and ultimately your partner just has to accept it and make a note for the future.

The second batch of work you know going in you have different expectations, so you have to be clear from the outset what you expect out of it.

I would see it as completely understandable to say ‘I was happy helping out before, but as this goes on it is just taking up too much of my time and becoming a job for me. If you are wanting my help as a professional I will need to charge an hourly rate to cover my lost weekends.'” nrsys

“I (16F) got myself kicked out of Sunday school at my stepdad’s church this weekend.

My mom married Brad earlier this year. He has 4 kids (12F, 10M, 9M, 7M) that are with him most of the time, and to say their family is religious is like the understatement of all time. The daughter has to wear skirts all the time and can’t cut her hair and they’re all at church at least 3 times a week and have like family Bible time and stuff every day.

I wouldn’t care except that now that my mom and Brad are married they expect me to participate and that’s just not my bag. I think it’s superstitious misogynistic nonsense and I always leave their church feeling icky. I tried to get my mom to let me go to my dad’s on Sundays to avoid conflict but that’s a nonstarter so far, so I try to avoid talking about it but Brad is like making it his personal mission to get me ‘saved’ or something so the subject comes up regularly.

I finally put my foot down about not wanting to go to church with them and it turned into a big argument and my mom asked me to just go and keep the peace for the younger kids because it’s something we do as a family.

So, I go and mostly just read, but I don’t lie about why I’m there or my religion if someone asks me a question. It annoys Brad and my mom, but I figure if they don’t like it they can let me stay home.

The problem is that the Sunday school teacher for my age group is a real piece of work and thinks we’re all stupid because we’re teenage girls. So he likes to go into a lot of biblical Greek translation stuff to make himself look smart.

The only thing is he’s almost always totally wrong. My dad sends me to private school and I took 2 years of Ancient Greek (taking Latin now) and I know he’s screwing with people. So I brought an interlinear New Testament and a Koine Greek dictionary with me this week and when he got started I corrected him.

Not mean, but just like ‘Wow, that’s not what it says here at all, can you explain more?’ and ‘Oh, that’s weird because that’s not how Brill defines that word.’

Dude was turning red by the end of it and asked me to stop interrupting, so I just shrugged and said I was trying to learn.

He told the pastor and the pastor told Brad that I’m not allowed to come to Sunday school anymore because I’m disrespectful. So Brad and my mom are mad and want me to apologize for derailing class instead of just getting through quietly, but I don’t know.

AITJ?

Update edit — I’m officially living full-time with my dad. My mom is still mad, but she can deal with it. We have a few hours on the weekend away from their house, for now, but that’s it. Step-dad isn’t allowed to contact me.

Before I let them know, I visited for Christmas to do presents. I left my step-sister a secret present with a note telling her if she ever needed help or to talk, to text me. She texted me thank you and she won’t tell anyone and has been texting me occasionally, so at least right now if things go squirrelly for her she can get some kind of help.

If she wants to get out when she’s older and we’re still in contact, I talked to my dad and he said he’s willing to try to help her if it comes to that because it sounds super culty. She’ll be old enough to be emancipated by the time I finish undergrad, so if that’s what she wants maybe we can figure out a roommate situation.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Getting kicked out of a thing you hate is a victory, and you are a legend at using malicious compliance.

I think it is time to have a frank talk with your Mom about ‘keeping the peace.’ Because you are never, ever, ever, under any circumstances gonna get ‘saved’ the way Brad expects.

Not as a favor to your Mom, not for any reason. So if it’s the peace she’s after, she needs to let you politely opt out of the church. If she needs a polite excuse, she can make it about going to your Dad’s.

But if she’s gonna let her new husband try to force you, then it’s going to be a conflict every single Sunday, because he is never, ever going to get what he wants from you.

You are never going to believe what he believes, you’re not going to dress as he thinks women should dress, you’re not going to pretend to be stupid to make stupid men feel better, and the more he forces it, the less likely it is that you’ll ever be able to get along, and that’s fine because you have a perfectly good dad and you don’t need a spare one who only interacts with you when he wants to control you.

Your mom married this dude, but you didn’t. Either she can stop, he can stop, or you’re going to sit there reading books and doing homework and people can think what they like about it until they let you leave.

Brad and people like him only understand one thing: Power.

As long as they think they have it, there is no peaceful compromise. You have to resist them all the time and remove their power over you as much as possible.” NopeRope777

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

‘I’m sorry that you don’t actually know how to read what you are supposedly teaching.’ Boom, a solid apology to the jerk.

LOL.

Your stepdad is in a cult, and if you show free will, then his kids might think they gasp actually have some choice in how they live their lives.

You have a solid option in your back pocket though. If your dad is game, you are old enough that the courts will let you choose which parent you live with.

Tell your mom, if she pushes the issue again, you’ll tell a judge you want to live with your dad full time, and if she keeps pushing the issue, you’ll just never talk to her again.

Or… just stay in the house like a sleeper agent, letting your step-siblings know that they have a choice in how they live their lives and that just because their dad is in a cult, they can choose another way.” No-Personality5421

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. First off, OP you rock! Second, I suspect Brad’s motivation to convert you isn’t because he wants to save you but more because he doesn’t want you showing his kids, particularly his daughter, that they do not have to completely submit to the church and their pretty clearly misogynistic ideals – that it’s ok to challenge them or even reject them altogether.

Having said that, it puts you in an uncomfortable position because people like Brad can go to extreme lengths to try and break you to get their way.

I would talk to your father about revisiting custody and visitation with his lawyer. Make it clear that this is for your safety and well-being.

Maybe shared custody is a better option now or even going to live with your father and visiting your mom regularly because I sincerely doubt Brad is suddenly going to realize he’s a jerk.” Born_Ad8420

“I’m a teenage girl. My sister’s friend is 1 year older than me. We’ll call her Stacy because that’s her name.

I’m short. I know I’m short. I look 10.

Stacy is always teasing me about being short. She’s nicknamed me Frodo. Once she used my head as an armrest and I told her to never do that again.

I don’t think being short is even that bad. An economy plane seat is comfortably roomy for me.

It’s an advantage in the sport I play. Kids’ shoes are way cheaper than adults’. But anyway.

Stacy was over yesterday. She used me as an armrest again. I ducked away. She lost her balance and fell. She wasn’t hurt but was embarrassed. She is angry at me for ‘being unable to take a joke’ and is refusing to enter our house until I apologize, which I think is great.

But my sister thinks it’s terrible.

My mom thinks I should have been the bigger person and told Stacy to get off instead of ducking. My dad thinks it’s funny and Stacy got what she deserved. My sister wants me to apologize, and says I’m definitely the jerk, but our brother says I am NTJ, and Stacy is a jerk.

(She armrests him too.) So I don’t know.

If I’m the jerk then I’ll probably call Stacy and apologize. If NTJ then I guess Stacy won’t come over again.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Stacy is a bully. She knows her behavior makes you feel bad, and she has continued. Stacy is not your problem.

Your problem is your mother and sister endorsing Stacy’s bad behavior. Please pay attention to that and listen to people who support you. You are young, and I’m concerned that your mother’s conduct might be a consistent thing. Don’t let her establish your self-value. Your instincts were correct.” Gullible-Decision709

Another User Comments:

“NTJ at all. I will go for ‘everyone sucks here’ in this regard, everyone minus yourself.

‘My mom thinks I should have been the bigger person and told Stacy to get off instead of ducking.’

If you were the bigger person, your height wouldn’t be Stacy’s subject to mock.

Bad choice of words, mom.

Stacy is a jerk for disregarding your boundaries and disrespecting you by bullying you based on something outside your control.

Your sister is a jerk for putting a bully as a ‘friend’ before her own sister and not pulling Stacy up on her behavior, and for inviting her over to your home, thus violating your safe space.

Your mom is a jerk for allowing Stacy into your home and giving her an opportunity to bully you. Put your own kid first, mom!

‘I don’t think being short is even that bad. An economy plane seat is comfortably roomy for me. It’s an advantage in the sport I play.

Kids’ shoes are way cheaper than adults’.’

I absolutely LOVE your positive attitude here and you’re the only person I’ve ever seen embrace being short and list the advantages. Keep up the positivity, and keep standing up for yourself.” majesticjewnicorn

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, at all.

Stacy was disrespectful to you, and apparently to your brother too. Stacy owes both of you an apology. It’s not a ‘joke’ unless everyone is laughing. You already told her that it was crossing a line, but Stacy wasn’t actually making a joke, she was attempting an insult, and you weren’t going to stand for it (pun intended?).

Stacy is embarrassed for looking foolish, but what she should be embarrassed by is her poor manners.

Your sister should apologize to you as well and should be sticking up for you from Stacy. Stacy is not a good friend if she bullies her friend’s siblings.” cleaningmama

“My (22f) dad told me a few weeks ago that we were going to have to cancel Christmas this year because he couldn’t afford it this year.

He’s switched jobs recently and isn’t in the best place financially. I told him I would handle the dinner and everything so he wouldn’t have to worry about it and to just do what he could. I was under the impression that he had already purchased presents for my younger siblings/niece and nephew, all of who are pretty young or at least had the plan to get them something.

But instead, he told me that he couldn’t afford that either, which again I understood.

I spent all of the money I had to buy presents for the kids so they would have something to open on Christmas. I went to his house this evening to drop off the presents along with the tree decorations I got since he had nothing.

When I walked in he was in his room setting up a PS5, I was obviously confused when I saw this. He apparently had just bought it and was very excited to show it off. I got into an argument with him about how he had told me he had absolutely no money for Christmas, but he had the money to buy himself a PS5.

I told him that he was a bad parent and that he is selfish and childish and a bunch of other colorful words. He told me that I am a child and he can do what he wants with his money. So AITJ for calling him a bad parent?

ETA: He is now saying that he didn’t need to get them gifts because he bought one of my brothers a pair of shoes a few weeks ago, my sister is too old for gifts (she’s 15), and he made no mention of the other three.

The kids are ages 15, 12, 10, 6, 3, and 2. I and my brother (24) and don’t care about him not getting us anything, I haven’t received Christmas or birthday presents since I was 14, but the younger kids deserve a better Christmas than just what I can provide.

I am 1 of 11 kids technically.

The oldest 3 (28f, 27m, and 27m) are no longer in contact with my family, then my brother (24m) then me, and then the other 6 little kids. The oldest 3 have one mom, then my brother, I, and the 15-year-old have the same mom, the 12, 10, and 6 year old have the same mom, and the 3 and 2 have the same mom.

All the same dad. My brother (24) and I live together, and 15 lives with us part-time, 12, 10, and 6 live with their mom (she doesn’t celebrate Christmas) but my dad gets them on the weekends and the little ones live with him full time. My dad is 45 I believe, so he had my oldest sister at 17.

I haven’t said anything to my grandpa, but I did vent to my grandma on my mom’s side and found out some fun information. So a bit of backstory, my dad and mom divorced when I was 7, and my dad left. My mom got super neglectful over the next 2 or so years to the point that we were removed from the home by the Department of Social Services.

We ended up moving in with my dad after a week. Come to find out from my grandma, my dad didn’t want to take custody of us and was fully prepared to let us go to foster care. But my grandpa, my dad’s dad, told my dad that if he took us in, my grandpa would help him out with whatever he needed until the 3 of us turn 18.

And that is the reason my grandpa handles all the bills and gives my dad money. So that’s just icing on the cake of him being a bad parent.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

And I wouldn’t be saving his butt over this.

If you are buying presents for your siblings and niece and nephew, you buy them yourself.

They don’t have to be expensive things but they should be thoughtful.

They will know that their dad gets them nothing and that he has a new game console. He’s very quickly going to find himself very lonely because no one will want to have anything to do with him.

Do you all live with your dad?

And I don’t have a lot of good to say about your grandfather either. He’s really your dad’s enabler. Do you have any sort of relationship with him?” KitchenDismal9258

Another User Comments:

“NTJ and I wanna add how much of an awesome person you are for caring about your family’s Xmas experience.

I can’t help but feel if he had maybe been a little more honest as to why he couldn’t afford it – you would have been possibly a little more understanding. Maybe.

While he is right – his money his toys, it’s still massively messed up to write off everyone’s Christmas, claiming you’re broke, only to spend it all on yourself and relax while your son picks up the slack.

I hope the kids have a good holiday despite the circumstances, I know this is who it’s really for and that’s all that matters. Those kids deserve at least one present for Xmas. Good on you for being the hero in a family unit everybody needs.” slumvillain

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

Tell everyone aside from the three younger kids. Make it very clear to all other family members that you are the one giving out gifts/doing the meal since your father decided a gaming console was more important than family. Put it on your socials.

Text them.

If you’re able to get into his house, I’d personally go get the tree/decorations/presents/any food you had gotten for the Christmas meal back and do Christmas at yours. Also, how in the world can he call you a child when you’re 22?!” NowWithMoreChocolate

“I am currently six months pregnant with mine & my husband’s first child. Initially, I was going to allow my father, and my husband’s mother and sister to visit after delivery but recently decided that I wouldn’t want any visitors other than my husband.

My husband sat down with his mother and explained to her that I no longer want any visitors in the hospital and that we’d be happy to facetime her for 30 mins to an hour as a compromise.

Also that we don’t really want any visitors for the first three weeks because I’ll be healing (especially since it’s likely I’ll be having a c-section). From what I understand, I’ll be in pain, crabby, and likely won’t be in the mood to entertain guests ogling my newborn baby & trying to get me to pass her around like a bottle of booze.

After my husband told her the expectations and boundaries we would be implementing, she went absolutely crazy on him and claimed that I’m trying to ‘keep her from her grandchild and son’ by ‘putting her son in a cave and not allowing him near his family’.

She then went on to say that /I/ am a total weirdo and a disgusting slob and that my husband and I don’t know the first thing about raising a baby and we are being ‘ridiculous’ for ‘keeping her’ from the baby.

But the thing is that we are NOT keeping her from the baby, this is a boundary we have set with EVERYONE, including my family.

What she has failed to realize is that just because she is the grandmother does not mean she is entitled to see the baby whenever she wants.

So, AITJ for not allowing visitors?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You gave her the same rule you gave everyone else.

Personally, if the individual was coming to visit to contribute to helping take care of the child so that you could rest and heal, I would welcome them. However, it sounds as though from what you say that your mother-in-law would not be there to help but merely to observe the child and comment on your parenting.

It sounds as though you may have had other issues with your mother-in-law in the past regarding boundaries. I would reiterate that you want bonding time with the child alone, that you and your husband want bonding time with the child, and that you will welcome her visitation on X date after the child’s born.

If she continues to reject you’ve got other issues to deal with in that case on what you do.” VoxFugit

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

First off, make it clear when you do actually go that only your husband is allowed. No other visitors. That way they won’t let anyone in to see you or give out updates.

Second… Take your time. Heal up and bond with your baby. Get a routine going for you and your hubby.

Third… this flu season just started and is downright nasty this year. Let your baby build up their immune system first. Don’t risk RSV or flu because people are feeling butt hurt and won’t listen.

Your compromise plan is a good one. She can accept it or just stew in the dark then. Especially after all that crap she spewed about you.” Help24-7

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Your pregnancy, your baby, your right to do what you know will work for you.

In addition, at the hospital, you are the patient, so your needs and wants come first and foremost.

Your MIL’s behavior, if that was really her reaction, is abusive and disgusting. Having given birth herself, she should have some understanding of what it is like for a first-time mother.

She is the jerk.

Lastly did your husband not tell her she is not the only one from whom you don’t want a visit until you are ready? If she was, then she sounds like a narcissist. Your husband needs to set her straight and tell her, that you are doing what is right for you and in turn the baby, if you want help from her, then you will reach out, but are likely to turn to someone else after that abusive tirade.

He should also tell her never to trash talk his wife ever again. She owes you an apology.” Aggressive-Peace-698

“So I live at home with my 28M son & 18F daughter. I don’t charge them anything to stay with me.

My son has a job for 20 hours a week and my daughter is currently in between jobs.

I’m a nurse so I work a lot and as a result don’t have MUCH time to cook at home, when I am home I’m tired and exhausted. When I do have time I usually cook for me and my daughter/just my daughter.

My son is vegan and so a lot of food I and my daughter wanted, he can’t eat. I do make a vegan and non-vegan version when I can. But the problem is he is also quite picky and in the past when I made him a vegan version, he criticized it.

I buy him vegan ingredients when I can, but he’s very particular and since they’re expensive I don’t want to buy things when he’s not there and can choose. And he doesn’t go shopping/come shopping with me so I just get him very basic things that I know he likes.

He gets mad at me and we argue a lot, especially because I cook for my daughter more than I do for him. And I just don’t know whether I need to start cooking more for him. Am I the jerk?”

Another User Comments:

“YTJ for not telling him that you weren’t a Burger King and he is not getting it his way. There is no reason that a 28-year-old supposed man should not be working a full-time job unless he’s in college or something working on a degree.

But even still, students who school full time and work full time still manage to buy groceries and cook for themselves. What is the reason your son can’t? Stop enabling him. If wants to make dietary choices for himself, that’s fine and good. He can buy his own groceries and cook for himself.

And he’s being disrespectful and ungrateful as well? Sweetie cut the apron strings. Now. With a chainsaw.

You are NTJ for not cooking for him. He needs to learn.” R3dmund

Another User Comments:

“NTJ: veganism is a choice, and while it’s one rooted in very good reasons and facts, it’s still a personal choice.

You try your best to cook for him and he criticizes it (with his lighter workday, he should just be overjoyed you were willing to even try those times). You’ve tried your best to find all the things you know you can pick up for him (All while working in a high-stress, long-hours job.) In short, you MORE than have been respectful and done your best to help him have access to the food he wishes to eat.

He’s being a massively ungrateful son, and he should really sit down and think about all this. He COULD have ended up with a family that makes fun of his veganism and forces him to do ALL his shopping and cooking while trying their best to get him to just give it up.

He should be so, so happy for his supportive family. Ask any given vegan how often a day they’re the butt of constant jokes by their own closest loved ones.” Dizavid

Another User Comments:

“They are both adults fully capable of shopping, cooking, and cleaning.

While this is hard on you, it’s easier to do it all rather than hear them complain. You are putting off some of the best life lessons a person needs. You are handicapping them so HE won’t complain.

Paying bills on time and building up a good credit score.

Money management skills

How to meal plan, shop and cook.

If both paid rent, it would force her to get a job and him to work more hours. Since you don’t need the money, quietly you can put it all in a high-interest savings account for each of them.

Then when they move out, that can be money to furnish their first apartment or home.

You are NOT setting them up for success in life, but for failure. You can charge him more, because he has lived there longer, being that he is 8 years older than her.

Stop cooking for both of them, obviously, they have more time to cook. And if they get hungry, trust they will figure out how to feed themselves.” Samantha38g

“My sister (36) and her husband (34) are seemingly well off. She makes almost six figures working at a private rehab center and her husband is a career Marine. The Marines take part in Toys for Tots every year and this year Disneyland was involved. Disneyland apparently donated $500,000 worth of toys to the charity.

My sister told me over the phone that her husband took about $1,000 worth of toys home for their two kids, one item being a massive Lego set supposedly worth about $500. After I got off the phone with her I started to feel uneasy. Her family is not underprivileged and they are not struggling by any means.

Therefore, they wouldn’t be the receivers of Toys for Tots. I want to tell her to return the items because her kids do not need what they took. WIBTJ?

UPDATE: My sister got back to me and informed me to due to all the donations they received they went over quota.

Because of so, all the Marines that volunteered were given permission to take gifts home to their family. I think she exaggerated the actual value of the toys as she is prone to do so.”

Another User Comments:

“As much as you would like to see them do the right thing, I promise you they won’t.

When you see someone doing something morally wrong, most of the time they justify it because they think they’re right.

They’re definitely jerks, but I wouldn’t waste my breath. I’d cut ties with people like this, even my own flesh and b***d, for taking advantage of a system meant to help children in need. I refuse to tolerate that nonsense.

You don’t have to either.

NTJ.” CyclonicHavoc

Another User Comments:

“NTJ but you will be if you keep quiet, don’t force them to return everything, or don’t report them if they refuse to return items they stole, that were donated. Tell your jerk sis and her jerk hubby, that people who have stolen from Toys for Tots have been prosecuted for it.

Doesn’t believe you? Have her look it up.

Shame on them for stealing from needy children. So disgusting. He’s a marine? I hope they both get caught.” WillLoveCoffee4Ever1

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Your sister and husband are literally stealing from a charity that enables kids to have presents on Christmas just like every other kid.

Essentially they’re stealing from these families and kids. If I was you I’d be talking to them about doing the right thing and returning it and if they aren’t going to I would report them. They should be disgusted in themselves and their obvious self-entitlement.” FerysAthyn

“My ex currently lives with her mother, who is the main reason for our breakup by the way. So I was giving her 5000 and the money was tight. At the time the money was used to buy diapers & wipes, food, clothes, and all other necessities a baby needs.

Plus there was 1000 extra left in case of an emergency. Then she asked for more and honestly, prices were going up so I upped it to 7500. It was more than enough because I myself don’t use that much money. Oh, and child support would make me pay like 4000 or less.

Now, 3 months after she asks for a raise again. Of course, I get that my baby is growing up but man asking for 2000 more? Which makes it to 9500? I didn’t refuse but I just asked her what she was doing with the money. She then retorted that it was none of my business.

She then said either I give the funds and don’t ask what is done with it or don’t give the funds and forget about my baby. I mean, it’s my business because I work for that money.

Also, I noticed she’s doing her nails and dyed her hair.

If she got another dude it’s none of my business of course but my concern is if she’s using the funds I provide for my daughter for these kinds of things. It would be an issue because I owe her nothing.

One last thing. My daughter lives with her full-time.

I proposed to pay for child care so she can work, but she refused. I also proposed that my daughter stays at my place half of the time but she also refused because she’s the kind of woman who thinks a man can’t raise a little girl on his own.

So AITJ for asking about what she does with that money?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, but you need to get a legal arrangement in place. Even if it’s hard for a father to get custody, you should at least get a proper financial arrangement in place and make sure you get visitations with your child.

Get everything on paper, how much the baby’s everyday costs and bigger, more expensive items need to be discussed. Make sure you’re a part of your daughter’s life by getting involved in her everyday life. If your ex wants to be fully dependent on YOU then you have a right to know where the money goes.

If she wants to decide for herself, she gets herself a job of her own.” Waste-Phase-2857

Another User Comments:

“YTJ for not going through the courts and getting a set amount of reasonable child support in place. There’s nothing to prevent you from paying more if the needs of the child merit it.

It’s really difficult when a situation like this becomes adversarial to sort through what is legally required by the laws of your country. Talk with your lawyer but it does sound like your ex is finagling spousal support as well as child care support.

Psychologically speaking, asking ‘what do you do with that money!’ is going to raise your ex’s hackles and possibly cause her to retaliate & use seeing the child as a weapon. But I suspect at least some of your contributions would be better put in a savings account for the kid’s future.” lonnielee3

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. I’m not sure if this is legal in the country where you live, but you might want to cut back on the amount of child support that is legally required unless she shows you her receipts for this month. If the receipts show that the funds are being used to care for the baby, you can continue at the higher amount.

If the receipts do not reflect that the funds are going to the child (including child care if the mother chooses to work), you can ethically cut back.

Finally, please talk to a lawyer and get yourself a custody arrangement and some sort of formal child support arrangement.

You can always give the mother more if you believe the child needs it. It doesn’t benefit you for this to be informal, and for you not to have your rights to see this child enshrined in a legal agreement.” Nester1953

“I (30F) practically raised my 8yo nephew and love him as my own. My sister (28f) used to work afar so she had to leave him in my/my mother’s care when he was a baby.

Three years ago she found a job and house nearby, but my nephew still spends his weekdays at my place and only goes to my sister’s place during the weekends.

My nephew tends to be careless with everyone’s stuff, but he’s especially careless with mine.

I think because he’s closest to me and has no restrictions. He has already broken two phones, two eyeglasses, 1 laptop, and so much other stuff. I chalk it up to him being a kid and therefore never getting mad.

But when he turned 8, I started teaching him about boundaries.

That when I tell him something is hands-off, then he must not play with it. A concept he’s really having a hard time with.

Yesterday I saw him fiddling with the contact lenses I just bought the other day. I told him it was hands-off because I will need to wear them for an office party later and that I wouldn’t have any backup because he just broke my eyeglasses.

An hour before the party, all I have to do is wear my contact lenses… et voila! It’s missing. When I asked my nephew, he admitted to having dropped it. We looked for it to no avail, and I ended up not being able to go to the office party.

This is the only time I got really mad. I got mad that he didn’t listen to me for the nth time and that he didn’t even bother picking it up after dropping it, because to me that shows his lack of respect for me.

Sure I can buy a new pair again just like what I’ve done several times in the past, but I really wanted to teach him a lesson about boundaries and respect, and in my perspective, the best way to do that is to show him the consequences.

So, I dropped him off to his mom afterward and told both of them that he will be banned from my place until they replace either the contact lens he lost or the eyeglasses he broke.

My sister does not agree with my method, said I’m being petty for getting mad over it and she would rather spend money on food.

My mother thinks I’m being harsh considering it will be Christmas soon, and that my nephew is still too young to understand what I’m trying to teach him.

I felt I was right, but now I’m not sure. AITJ for banning my 8yo nephew to teach him about consequences, considering that it will be Christmas soon?

UPDATE: I just talked to my nephew and he agreed to write a whole-page essay to reflect on his actions and to wash the plates at home for two weeks to pay for what he lost.

Banning him from my place might be too harsh, but to clarify, it isn’t like I didn’t try to talk to him or discipline him gently when he was younger.

His habit has mellowed down towards other people’s stuff but not towards mine, which I conclude is because of his total lack of fear of me. I am not fond of punishments/discipline by fear because I grew up in that kind of environment. I think I want to be his security blanket because I didn’t have one growing up, but it can be a struggle to balance things out.”

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. You should have been teaching him boundaries in an age-appropriate way since he was a toddler. You’ve failed to teach him to respect ‘no’, and now suddenly you’ve decided it’s time for him to learn, and when he behaved according to habits YOU instilled in him over the past 8 years, you dished out a huge punishment.

You need to learn the difference between punishment and consequences. Punishment is, ‘you did something I don’t like, so now I’m going to hurt you in some way.’ Consequence is, ‘You did something you knew you shouldn’t do, so now you must experience the result of your choice.’

How does washing dishes at his mother’s house have anything to do with losing your contact lenses? First, helping with household chores shouldn’t be a punishment – if he lives in the house he should be helping, and he should be helping with chores at your house too.

That’s not a punishment – it’s learning to take responsibility. Second, since he lost your contact lens because he was fiddling with your stuff, he needs to be restricted from touching your things in some way so that he learns they are YOURS. And in the future (not this time, because you still have to TEACH him) I would consider taking and selling something he values and putting that money toward replacing whatever he lost or broke.

It doesn’t have to be something of the same financial value – but something he values, so that losing it teaches him that it will cost him something if he disrespects your stuff.

OP, you are setting your nephew up to become an awful person.

You say he doesn’t respect you because he doesn’t fear you – but the two things are completely different! And you say he has no restrictions at your home, which is just nuts and so bad for him. Since in many ways you are acting as a parent to him, you and he may benefit if you attend some parenting classes or at least read a few books!” Primary_Button7583

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here.

First off, 8 years old is old enough to understand the basics of what is a toy and what is not. Someone has failed in teaching him this.

And while I understand you are not the parent, you are an adult and you know his track record and should have taken steps to just take the lenses away from him.

His mother should also take responsibility and if not pay all, then some of the values of what he breaks, and the kid desperately needs to learn there are consequences to his actions, tho banning him is a bit overkill because neither the mother nor you don’t have the guts to give him a form of punishment (Like a timeout corner, no game time, do some extra chores) (You haven’t mentioned anything about any punishment, only a ‘command word’ that apparently is not enforced or punished, so he will never truly learn.)

This isn’t the case of spilling some milk, he is physically destructive and it will become a problem eventually if it’s not addressed sooner rather than later.” IsaRat8989

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, you are finally doing what you should have done long ago.

You’re not a jerk because you’re not a parent, you were taking care of someone else’s kid.

However by your words, ‘you practically raised this nephew’, and you didn’t do a very good job sadly. The good thing is, it’s never too late, and you are finally doing it now.

Boundaries are taught young. A child needs to hear the word ‘no’ and understand what to touch and what not to.

Breaking cell phones, and laptops? That never should have happened, no matter how young (he shouldn’t have been allowed to touch those things).

When a kid is very young, you can show him you are upset by refusing to play with him. Playtime is the biggest reward for a kid, so cutting that for a day (and explaining why) is very educational. A child immediately understands they are in the wrong (that’s 4-5 yo).

At 8 years old, we’re already talking about a big kid. Your choice of banning him from the house is exactly the right move. Stay strong, no matter what your mom and sister say. You are the one finally doing right by this kid. True parenting is about teaching a kid about life, not about raising him into an entitled jerk.” esk_7140

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here – This kid is a product of the environments that raised him. You needed to start teaching him about boundaries and hands-off items years ago. Of course he’s having a hard time now… he’s had years of conditioning that taught him his actions have no consequences and he can do whatever he wants.

Eight years old should be old enough to know better but if the adults in his life failed to teach and reinforce these things, how would he know?

Of course he’s wrong for breaking and losing so many things. And you are right to be trying to correct his behavior.

But I’d say you are going… from 0 to 100. Again, this is an adjustment because he wasn’t given these boundaries before. I think instead of banning him and making his family pay for the replacement when it sounds like they don’t have much money, it’d be better to buy new contacts and have him come to your house to work off his debt.

I think this will show him the consequences more tangibly and teach him some personal responsibility, rather than just having his mom bail him out.” CrimsonKnight_004

“My (M31) wife (F30) and I have two kids, one M5 and the other F2. I also have two siblings, an older brother (M35) and a younger (M29).

My older brother has kids. My younger has none and has bounced from fling to fling.

However, in 2020, he met this girl (F23). We’ll call her Amber. (Fake name).

From day 1 he was obsessed with her. They started going out and when we thought we’d only meet her once then never again, she stayed coming around.

We were all happy to see my brother get serious about someone, even if they were a bit younger than him.

However as Amber started spending more time around our family, collectively we all noticed certain things she did we didn’t like. For just a couple of examples.

She would move something in whoever’s house we were in, and say ‘this looks better like this, so I moved it for you’. Or she would get into people’s stuff and say ‘we’re family now so we can share’. Such as when she used my SIL’s lotions and makeup without asking.

But this was the thing that made us all dislike her. She would constantly talk proudly about how she turned my quote ‘spineless flirty baby brother into a man’. Okay, unnecessary but he was a player before so I get the ‘joke’. But then she added, ‘I’ll do what your mom couldn’t and teach him to be a gentleman’.

And yes. She really has said that on more than one occasion.

We’ve all mentioned these things to my brother but he brushes it off or says ‘I love her dude what can I do’. And welp… He proposed to her at the beginning of 2022.

And no she hasn’t changed her antics since 2020.

Anyway. Amber came over with my brother for my wife’s birthday party. Of course, my kids were there too. Amber, in front of a house full of mine and my wife’s family, says ‘oh it’s my favorite niece and nephew!’ Before picking up my daughter.

She added, ‘am I your favorite aunty?’ in a baby voice.

I walked over and took my daughter out of her hands and said in a calm but stern tone ‘you’re not their aunt. So please don’t refer to yourself as their aunt’. She seemed taken aback and immediately got defensive saying ‘I’m marrying your brother so I will be their aunt by marriage’.

I just shrugged and calmly responded that I didn’t care if they got married, she could be Mrs. Amber or Amber but she was not their Aunt.

A few people heard and pretended not to, but Amber was upset and left and my brother came in asking what happened. After I told him he said I was a jerk and took off after Amber.

My brother called me that night saying I needed to apologize and take back what I said, but I refused to.

My kids hardly know/spend time with her, and she’s not very well-liked amongst our family.

So AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – They’re not married yet.

Your brother needs to have a talk with her about what’s appropriate. If they started going out when she was 19 she may just genuinely be a clueless teenager. With them getting married and potentially having children there’s not much you can do except hope that she grows up.

I’d just be worried about alienating cousins in the future. I can see why you’d bet on this not lasting though.” Icy_Calligrapher7088

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here – she seems massively overbearing and aggressively impolite. You on the other hand used your children’s familial affection as a weapon – that’s tacky.

Unless you are equally insistent that your other brother’s wife/ex-wife/partner/whoever is also not your children’s aunt, you’re also a hypocrite.

Finally, the title of ‘aunt’ will eventually be up to your children and the relationship they cultivate with her (if any). I have biological aunts and uncles whom I refer to solely by their names, and others I refer to as auntie/aunt name/uncle name irrespective of b***d or current marriage.

My mom still refers to her matrilineal uncle’s first wife as Aunt (her name) – and she and my great-uncle divorced over 50 years ago. You can limit your children’s exposure to the person, but they will be the ones to determine the worth of whatever that relationship becomes.” User

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

People think that they can just force people into roles. Even if she is technically their aunt when she marries your brother, she isn’t right now and doesn’t get to use the title until you deem it appropriate.

If you don’t like this person and don’t want them around your children, you have the right as their parent, to not allow them importance in their life.

Yes, you could have said it nicer but she doesn’t respect boundaries so maybe the harsh truth will wake her up to her behavior.” Sudden-Length-5294

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here.

Amber doesn’t sound like the nicest person here. But look at it from your kids’ perspective: she’s been in their lives since your son was 3 and your daughter’s entire life.

By taking your daughter away from Amber and saying that in front of the whole family, it’s like you’re using your kids to take a jab at Amber, in addition to potentially confusing the kids. There are much more appropriate and private ways to express your displeasure with Amber’s behavior here.” Iwishiwaseatingcandy

“So I (19f) currently live in another city attending university.

I work through my university over the summer, so I’m only home 5-6 weeks out of the year in total. When I’m home, I stay in my bedroom (which is also the guest room).

I have two siblings that live at home (22f and 12M).

Apparently, they prefer to shower and get ready in my bathroom, since it’s the nicest one in the house. (It was an add-on, but I was the one who got it because I shared a room with my little brother when I was aged 9-15).

The problem is that they don’t want to stop showering and getting ready in my bathroom even when I’m living in my room. It gets really annoying because the bathroom is connected to my room, so they have to go through my room to get to the bathroom.

My little brother leaves his clothes all over my room and always locks the doors so I can’t get into my room, and my sister always showers late at night and wakes me up. Keep in mind that they have bathrooms of their own.

Additionally, they both take 45 mins or 1 hour-long showers, so I can’t get into my bathroom while they are showering.

I politely asked them to stop using my bathroom while I’m living at home, but my parents told them it was fine since I technically don’t live here anymore, so it was no longer my room.

My sister said she has permission from my mom, so she won’t stop showering in my bathroom. My brother has started asking me, so I guess that’s not as bad. But, my mom is getting mad at me for asking my siblings to stop behind her back.

She told me I’m selfish and greedy.

AITJ for asking my siblings to use their own bathroom despite my parents telling them they could use mine?

Edit: It’s 11 pm where I am and my sister just went into my room to shower. I asked her to hurry because I want to go to bed and I always shower before bed, and my mom yelled at me for lying about needing to shower to make my sister feel bad.

There are 2 other bathrooms they can use.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

If you are living in a room they need to enter to enter this bathroom, then they need to adjust how and when they use the bathroom while you’re staying in that room.

The issue here isn’t the bathroom – it’s your current allocated bedroom being the access point for this bathroom.

They need to ask if it’s okay to enter your room. Perhaps you can come up with a schedule. And they definitely shouldn’t leave their stuff all over your room or walk through it WHILE YOU’RE ASLEEP to access a bathroom when there are others available.

The disrespect is wild.

To be honest, seems like there should be a bedroom swap in general.” embopbopbopdoowop

Another User Comments:

“It’s your parents’ house. It is their room. It is their bathroom.

Your mom said your siblings could use it, even when they are letting you stay in their guestroom.

You have no place to tell your siblings they can’t.

You could talk to your parents and tell them you feel kinda abandoned, and that you want to feel like you belong. You could also point out how your siblings’ behavior and timing make you feel unwelcome.

Maybe that is a point your parents are trying to make. Maybe they would work with you. Who knows. But you don’t get to tell your siblings what to do in your parents’ house when your mom explicitly gave them permission. You can ASK them, or have a conversation with your parents.

But no telling.

YTJ.” yfarren

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

You deserve your privacy when there are other, perfectly suitable facilities available.

If they want to use the ‘spare’ shower when you are elsewhere because it is better, then it doesn’t really impact you, but doing it while you are staying at home and constantly inconveniencing you is out of order.

If they have ensuite bathrooms (rather than one accessed from a hall) I would be making a point of using those whenever inconvenient…” nrsys

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. You may see that as ‘your bathroom,’ but the owners of the house consider it to be the bathroom attached to the guest room.

You no longer live there, and you don’t pay rent or have exclusive rights to that room OR bathroom. Your choices are to accept the terms of staying at your parents’ house OR find somewhere else to stay.” Oxfordcomma42