People Discuss Their Reasoning In Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
15. AITJ For Getting My Niece Into A Book Series With Gay Dragons?
“I’m a 24F, my sister (A) is 33F, and my niece (B) just turned 14. My niece and I have a great relationship, but my sister and I are a different story. She dislikes that I’m a lesbian, but she knows our parents would kill her if she was unsupportive and her daughter loves me so just grumbles and makes offhand comments about not continuing the bloodline or whatever.
I want to say before I mention this that I’ve never shoved my “preferences” into her or my niece’s lives, my sister hasn’t even met my SO yet and neither does her daughter. My niece knows I’m gay and has no problem with it.
A little while ago, maybe 4-5 months ago, I was drawing a dragon from the wings of the fire series. B was interested and asked me what it was and what it was from.
I told her and loaned her the first 5 books in the series. She loved the series and loves talking to me about it. I haven’t re-read it in a hot second and totally forgot about the lesbian dragons in book 12. My niece got to book 12, and when A saw that there were LGBTQ characters in this book she lost her mind.
She knows I got her into the wings of the fire series and called me up, yelling about how I’m forcing my lifestyle onto her daughter and that she won’t be letting B read the series anymore.
I was confused at first, till B called me in tears a few minutes later and told me A had read a section where a female dragon referred to another dragon as her partner, flipped out, took the book, and hid it. Then she called me and the screaming happened.
My parents are with me and said that B is 14, she’s capable of knowing what a lesbian is.
A and her husband are constantly calling me a jerk for ‘forcing my lifestyle’ onto B. B is apologizing to me saying she’s sorry and didn’t mean to make my sister mad at me, I told her it’s okay and none of this is her fault. My SO says my sisters have always been internally homophobic and we should’ve seen this coming.
This is tearing me up!
Was I really the jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your sister needs a reality check because trying to keep your ‘lifestyle’ secret from her daughter is so ridiculous. You should be able to just be who you are around that kid and she should be allowed to know about your girl as well. Also not wanting her to consume anything that involves any kind of hint that queer people exist is so silly.
She’ll have a hard time keeping her child away from queerness in media because LUCKILY there’s so much more representation nowadays and I bet your niece knows everything about it and couldn’t care less.
Your sister lives under a rock and someone should tell her to get over the fact that you’re queer because it seems like the actual problem here is that she’s a homophobe and therefore the jerk.” miimariem
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – the layers of ridiculousness on A’s part are insane. Firstly, she’s blatantly homophobic, so you shouldn’t have any internal conflict if you upset her. Next, if giving that book is forcing your lifestyle onto B, I can only imagine what be A has pushed onto B. Also, unless a book is a blatant hate or misinformation, preventing a child from literature can only cause harm.
I don’t know if it exists but you should try to find an even more queer dragon book with more gay relationships and like trans dragons. That’s what a good aunt does, and B sounds like she’ll be a good one despite her upbringing.” Packer224
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Oh please. What? Did they think their daughter would go her whole life without seeing a lesbian??
Or learning what gay people are. You introduced her to a popular fantasy series, that’s it. So what if it has gay dragons???? Those are cool!! If you were forcing B to be gay, screaming at her for looking at straight stuff, being rude to straight family members, etc, etc you would be forcing your, oh wait, that’s what her parents are doing. One, being gay isn’t a lifestyle, it’s a part of who you are, calling it a lifestyle is homophobic.
Two you didn’t even REMEMBER there were gay dragons in the book. AND THREE, it’s not like you introduced her to something inappropriate.” Luka_the_Cyka
14. AITJ For Not Wanting To Help My Ex With My Kids?
“So my ex and I have 2 kids and we co-parent for the most part. She has them one week and I have them the next and we switch every Sunday and for the most part, it’s pretty consistent. When we broke up, I went back to living with my parents while she moved about 45 minutes away.
She works in a city that’s about 15 minutes from where she lives and that’s where our kids go to school and daycare. It’s about a 30-minute drive for me.
Lately, she’s been saying that she has been having a hard time getting the kids to school and daycare in the morning and making it to work on time and wanted me to stay with her for a week so she gets her bearings and try to get the rhythm again which is something I don’t wanna do.
She has even gone so far as to suggest we move in together again as friends. She says she won’t even charge me rent so long as I help with the kids in the mornings and pick them up since I work an 8-hour shift while she works 10-12 hours. I have already emphasized that I do not want to live with her again. I’m not bitter, resentful, or hateful, I just don’t see myself being a healthy person and not to mention love life seeing as I would have a female roommate, not to mention she’s my ex and my kid’s mom.
Now, the main reason tho I do not want to help her is because I was in the position when we were together. In 2020, I started working from home while my oldest was doing distance learning. I would go so far as to use my first break to take out a toddler to daycare which was down the street but only because my ex still had to work on-site and she would take the time to get ready.
Could she have taken him? Absolutely but it would cut in her time to get ready. Not only that, but I would also pick up my kids from daycare, feed them, shower them, everything a parent should do but instead of getting appreciated by their mom, we end up breaking up and she ends up with some dude from work. I end up leaving our apartment and here we are.
So I have my reasons for not wanting to help and she even said it once where she felt she was making a mistake by letting me go but now she makes me feel like trash like I SHOULD be helping and I’m just being a jerk. I even offered to pick up the kids from daycare earlier so I can feed and shower them so when she gets home from work all she would need to do is come down to my city to pick them up and go home.
I feel that’s fair but it’s not enough for her.
So am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re not together anymore. It would be a terrible idea to live together. I’m assuming the guy from her work is no longer in the picture, but she made her decision. Plus, if she does want you back, she might intentionally go out of her way to sabotage any relationship you have with any woman you bring over.
And to other women, it’ll likely be a huge dealbreaker if you still live with your ex, even if she is the mother of your kids. She has her weeks to take care of the children. If you want to offer to help out, go right ahead. But I would strongly suggest that you do not move in with her.” Greasy_Burrito
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Moving in with her would be a bad idea. Staying with her for a week would be a bad idea. How would she be getting into the rhythm of getting the household going in the morning with you there getting the kids up, ready, and to where they need to go? She wanted to be a single mom so she could date a coworker.
Well, figuring out how to get the kids up, ready, off to school, getting to work, after work picking up kids from childcare, and then managing the evening routine is what single parents do. You manage single parenthood on your weeks with the kids! She’s a parent; parents******* up and do what you have to.” CemeteryDweller7719
Another User Comments:
“Not the jerk.
You did a lot of the work when you were married and it seems like she didn’t appreciate that.
Now she’s having to do the work and can’t handle that and wants you to take responsibility for her. It sounds like she wants the exact same arrangement as when you were married except you are sleeping in different rooms. There’s no real benefit for you.
She made her choices and now she has to deal with the consequences. Meanwhile, you deserve to be able to move on with your life without the drama of living with her.” Ranos131
13. AITJ For Telling My Partner To Shut Up And Dismiss Himself?
“I am 21f and he is 22m. We have lived together for 3 years and have been together for 6. Generally, we get along great.
I don’t know what sparked this change in him but for the past 3 months, he has been engaging in a really annoying habit. He loves the rapper ‘pooh shiesty’ and music like that. He raps the lyrics constantly all day long. He does this in a few ways.
He will have headphones in and rap every few lines out loud. He doesn’t realize how loud he is constantly being and when reminded, he quiets down for a few minutes then will start back up.
The most annoying thing will be he constantly walks up to me, gets my attention just to rap some lyrics to me. For example, I was watching anime – he walks in the room, gets my attention, tells me to pause it just to say ‘I don’t do beefing on no social sites’ which is rap lyrics.
He will pause any activity I’m doing just to rap at me.
He will just have to show me a song or will rap a lyric and want me to guess the artist and will not let it go until I try.
I have made it crystal clear I find this super annoying, and don’t like it, and want him to stop.
Today, I was taking a nap, and this man woke me up to show me a YouTube video of the EBG response to the diss trackback in b***d.
I see red – I ask him why he woke me up to show me this. He starts rapping lyrics at me, and I end up yelling at him to ‘shut up and dismiss yourself’. He kept trying to talk but I kept saying ‘dismiss yourself’ over and over until he left.
Hours later, he is upset saying I was rude to him. I ask him why he thought waking me up to show me a song was a good idea.
He said I thought I’d like it. I say you know darn well I don’t even like that music and hate you rapping at me. He got quiet and hasn’t stopped gaming since. My brother is staying with us temporarily and says while he even finds it super annoying, I’m the jerk cause clearly he just trying to share what he enjoys. This made me feel guilty.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“You can try talking to him about it again, I guess. You do seem to love him and stuff. The only thing we know about him makes him sound like an insufferable jerk I’d pay not to live with, but I recognize there is more to him than is in this post. NTJ.
Tell him that it’s great he likes rap music and you want to be happy for him that he has found something that makes him happy, but him constantly trying to force it down your throat all day when you don’t like it makes you feel frustrated every single day.
Tell him it’s okay for couples to have different interests. It is not fine for him to try and force you to have his interest when you don’t. That what he is doing every single time is initiating a conversation that is fun for him but he knows you don’t like it, which makes you feel like he just plain doesn’t care about your feelings.
Waking you up from a nap was especially upsetting, since then he’s interrupting your sleep and making you tired for him to have fun while making you frustrated again, which is already inconsiderate when you’re awake.
Then talk to him about what things you could do together and talk about together that you’d both enjoy. You can even suggest you guys try some new hobbies or activities together.
But rapping is not something you like, you’ve tried, and he’s going to have to find friends outside of his significant other to talk about rapping with if he wants to do that. Still, you want to have things to do together or talk about you both like to feel connected.
Can you accept him saying the lyrics aloud thing? That’s the hardest to deal with since it’s just him doing it with himself.
Everything targeted at you though you can shut down firmly. So if he asks you to guess a rap lyric tell him ‘you know I don’t like rap and I find this annoying, please stop.’ If he continues to pester you about it, straight up ignore him. Tell him ‘I already told you to stop but since you won’t respect that I’m going to have to ignore you now.’ You don’t have to yell at him, you can just go about your day as if he isn’t still talking to you about this.
Listen to music, roll back over and get cozy, watch your anime, do the dishes without eye contact, whatever. If he walks over and asks you to pause something, do it once, turn to him and say ‘if this is a rap lyric the next time you tell me to pause something I’m not going to’. And if he keeps doing it, stop pausing things for him.
As for the talking to himself all the time, I honestly would find this really annoying (again, why he sounds insufferable to me) but talk to him about that. If you can’t deal with that (like I couldn’t) I guess I’d talk to him about that too. Explain that he is making living with him hard by talking to himself aloud all day and it’s one of the main things that makes you feel frustrated at him all the time.
Since it builds up all day. Depending on your living situation, see if he could be in a different room when he is rapping to himself than you are. So if you both have desks you spend time in, separate them, one in the bedroom one in the living room, or whatever. Honestly, I’d just not share a room with a person who did this (so they could do it in their own room whenever) but like, again, you want to do that maybe.” TheHatOnTheCat
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. There is sharing a new passion with your partner, and there is grinding it into their face so hard their nose (and patience with you) breaks. If anything, he’s doing his best to make sure you have a healthy hatred for his passion if you don’t already. Plus, a good partner doesn’t ignore your wants and needs just to gratify their desire to show off something they like.
It’d be one thing if he was just always rapping under his breath, but making you pause what you’re doing and give him your undivided attention when he knows it bothers you, is definitely annoying. He also could’ve waited until you woke up from your nap to show you the song if he REALLY felt he needed to, but he definitely shouldn’t have woken you up to share a song he knew you probably wouldn’t like.
That’s rude.” WolfgangAddams
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’ve repeatedly asked him to stop doing this behavior and he won’t. That’s disrespectful on his part. It’s also really disrespectful to wake someone up when it’s not for a necessary thing.
And I say this as someone who can understand your husband’s level of excitement over a hobby. My hobby is birdwatching. I freakin’ love it. I love finding new and familiar birds when out of the house, memorizing their calls, learning about their behaviors, photographing them, and talking to other people about birds.
In fact, I’m literally watching my bird feeders as I type this (saw a lovely pair of American goldfinches).
My husband? Birding is just not his thing. It’s not even that he dislikes it, he just doesn’t find it that interesting. And I respect that he’s not into it. I still share some aspects of it with him just at a level he’s happy with: I’ll tell him about exciting sightings or interesting behaviors I saw recently, I’ll share my favorite bird photographs that I took (not all of them), and he will occasionally join me on a birding hike.
What I don’t do is overload him with birding info, bring it up all the time, interrupt him when he’s busy, or wake him up to show him bird photos! If I want to have a long, in-depth conversation about birds then I talk to other birders, I don’t try to make my husband fill that role for me. I share my passion with him but also respect his level of interest/enjoyment in the subject by keeping things brief.
It’s great that your husband found something exciting to him, but if he wants to discuss songs/lyrics or fanboy over an artist then he needs to reach out to other rap fans to do that. Rap just isn’t your thing and he needs to respect that.” DiligentPenguin16
12. AITJ For Telling An Old Lady It's Too Bad She Can't Dress How I Dress?
“So I (23f) went to Starbucks after working out, and I was wearing booty shorts. I had planned to go through the drive-through but the line was long so I went inside.
Some older lady rolls down her window and tells me that my shorts are ‘at home shorts’ and I shouldn’t leave the house in them. I said ‘I’m not your age yet so I’ll wear what I want.’ She said that I was disrespectful for speaking to her that way.
I told my dad about the incident later and he said I should respect my elders and I should’ve let it go.
I feel like it was very inappropriate for some lady I don’t know to comment on my attire, and she doesn’t get a pass for being old. It’s 2021 I can wear what I want.
Edit: I should probably explain these shorts. They were short, yes, but they were gym shorts. They did cover my butt, and they definitely covered more than swimsuit bottoms if that’s any reference.
They were the standard black Nike windbreaker shorts.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She was disrespectful of you. Amazingly, the number of people who claim people are speaking disrespectfully to them are so lacking in self-awareness to realize that they were the ones who opened the door by speaking disrespectfully first.
Respecting your elders is fine, but not when they are being rude, abusive, racist, misogynist, or generally being a jerk.
If they open the door by being rude first, then they have thrown away the respect privilege.” bamf1701
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Her comment was inappropriate, but so was yours. Why would her age stop her from wearing booty shorts, while at your age it’s okay? She shouldn’t be policing your clothes, but you shouldn’t be ageist. Just tell her it’s not her business and move on, we all get old at some point.” anchovie_macncheese
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She disrespected you, publicly no less. Sure your comment regarding her age wasn’t great, but she wasn’t butt hurt because she wanted to wear the shorts as an old lady, she’s mad because you didn’t bend to her will. Her comment was overtly misogynistic and unprompted, yours vaguely smelled like ageism and was made in retaliation to her rudeness.” DiazugmaCaesar
Another User Comments:
“Would you have commented (in your head, to someone else, to her) if this older lady had gone into Starbucks wearing what you were wearing? In other words, do you think she has the right to dress however she likes, or is that reserved only for fit, attractive, younger people cause no one wants to see wrinkly cellulite-pocked butt cheeks sagging out of booty shorts?
You even say in your title that she can’t dress the way you do… Who says?
She shouldn’t have said anything but you didn’t need to match her rudeness. Ignoring her was an option. And I suspect you were showing enough skin that a number of people, not just her, would have felt it really wasn’t public clothing. I’ve seen women wear stuff in my local Starbucks that’s so brief you can tell how much hair removal they do in their bikini zone.
Everyone sucks here.” NoiseProvesNothing
11. AITJ For Telling My Partner We're Either Staying In A Hotel Or Not Going On Trip?
“In the summer my significant other (33) and I (34) are going to a summer cabin/retreat with her family. I’ve been with my SO for 9 years and she has never gotten along with her family until recently. We have three children together. We are paying for our share of the cabin as well. Today, I got an email from her parents with the sleeping arrangements.
Our children would share a room (this is fine) My SO would be in one room with a queen bed alone, and I would be on the pull-out couch in the living room. I told my SO this was unacceptable and would further delegitimize our relationship with our kids. She said she would talk to her mother about it. She wanted me in on the call so it was on speakerphone.
She asked why we couldn’t sleep together.
Her mother said because you’re not married of course and the extended family is pretty strict Catholics and we don’t want to offend them. She added that she didn’t approve either. I told her politely that was unacceptable and I wanted the money back that we paid her for our portion of the 4-day trip (about 400 dollars). She said it was non-refundable at this point.
I told her we would then be sleeping together. She said don’t bother coming.
My SO begged me to bite the bullet and come and sleep in separate bedrooms. I refuse. I told her the deposit isn’t super important to me as we are fairly well off financially but we could stay in a hotel a few miles from the cabin. My SO cried but I’m not buying.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You are in your thirties and paying for your portion. Sleep in the room with your SO. Who is going to stop you? Her dad? You are both full adults. If anyone tries and stops you or puts hands on either of you call the cops and explain it to them.
That or call up the cabin itself and tell them you’d like your portion refunded. Explain everything to them and even offer to rent a smaller cabin there.
Also, can I ask why you aren’t married? I understand most people nowadays don’t believe in a traditional marriage or anything and if that’s the case cool. But if you two are planning on tying the knot eventually then why not just go to a courthouse? You don’t have to spend a lot to get married, you don’t even need to invite your in-laws. You just need two witnesses and a justice of the peace.
Again if you two don’t ever want to get married and feel you don’t need the government or god involved to define what you have as a loving relationship, then 100% that’s fine. If that’s the case then, you need to just tell your in-laws that. Whether they accept it or not doesn’t devalue your relationship. Cause you don’t need to be married to be a family, just they probably will always try and fight you on it if they don’t understand your reasoning.
I’d rethink ever booking a shared vacation with them again though. They can rant and moan all they want about it, but they can’t really stop you two from rooming together.” Reddit User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. First off how does her family think those kids came about??? There is no stork delivering babies in real life so her family already knows your intimate. Weirdos wanting to meddle in your relationship suck and I’m really sorry.
I’ve got an idea that might help though, if you guys don’t want to actually marry then just lie to them. Buy some cheap rings to wear to humor them when you’re around them and let that be the end of it. I mean yeah eventually they’ll find out you’re lying but does their opinion really matter that much if you haven’t had a relationship with them for so long anyhow?
If you’re just trying to keep the peace during infrequent visits and your wife really wants to see them then I don’t see the big deal. My oldest brother and his SO did this, her family is crazy religious and he’s darn near the antichrist but to keep the peace and appease her family he got her a ring and told them all they did a courthouse marriage.
They have 3 kids together as well and have no intention of actually getting married for personal reasons. The lie is going strong now about 6 or 7yrs later, I’m not 100% on the timeline since I don’t care enough to learn details.” HappyStrawberry29
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I hate it when families pull the ‘strict Catholic’ card. It’s not about religion, it’s simply because the mother doesn’t approve of OP’s relationship with her daughter and doesn’t see OP as part of the family despite him being in a relationship with her daughter for 9 years + the father of three grandchildren via her daughter.
The religion card is just an attempt to force a wedge between her daughter and OP. So considering this, I’d chalk the money up as a lesson learned about what SO’s mother thinks about you and use it to consider your future interaction/contact with SO’s family.
You need to sit down with your SO and have a calm discussion about this and about whether she’s willing to accept her mother’s behavior towards you, and why it should be down to you (the OP) to accept poor behavior and pay for the privilege of being treated like an unwanted guest.
You absolutely have the right to assert that you do not want to spend time with people who routinely treat you (or enable you to be treated) like a second-class, unwanted person. Your SO’s mother is not entitled to see her grandchildren, and while your SO can continue to maintain contact with her family if she so chooses, you should absolutely assert (assert, not demand) that your children have no further contact with their mother’s family until they’re willing to treat their parents equally.
My late maternal grandmother used to pull the same rubbish when I was little. She’d invite my mother and me to Sunday Lunch and exclude my father because they married after I was born etc. My grandad told her that behavior wasn’t on and he straight up stood his ground in order to ensure Dad was invited too. Ideally, someone in your SO’s family needs to stand their ground over this and step up to the podium.” Alphius_Ravenshadow
10. AITJ For Not Wanting My Half-Brother To Have The Same Name As Me?
“When I (16m) was born my parents named me Giuseppe after my grandpa on my mom’s side.
My parents divorced when I was 5 but my mom got sick when was 12 and passed away a year later so I had to go live full-time with my dad. 2 years ago my dad started going out with Kailey until they got married. I’m not close with Kailey but that’s not because we don’t like each other.
We just don’t talk a lot and I’m always staying with my grandma or uncle on my mom’s side when I’m not at my dad’s.
They found out they’re pregnant months ago and also learned it’s a boy. Ever since, Kailey keeps saying she also wants her son to be named Giuseppe cause she likes the name so much and how it sounds.
I straight up told her that’s my name and would be weird having my half-bro having the exact same name as me.
Kailey said it wasn’t weird at all and I don’t ‘own the name’ so I can’t say it’s mine. She seemed really mad that I called it weird and said I should get used to it because that’s the name they’re deciding on.
My dad backed her up at first but we talked a little more. I just told him it didn’t feel right for us two to have the exact same name and maybe that could be a middle name or something if she likes it so much.
He talked to Kailey about changing it as a middle name so the first name can be something else but she just got mad.
Now she says I’m ruining this whole experience by making a big deal over a name.
My dad is in the middle, he’s willing to back me up and not let Kailey name their baby that but says I should just let it go. My uncle (dad’s brother) and some of my friends agree it’s weird but Kailey is being super cold so Idk if I’m wrong here.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – it is weird for a father to have two sons with the same name unless it has a special meaning to him. At this time, the name is special as it is your maternal grandfather. Is your name special to your stepmother at all? Otherwise, people may assume she is also naming her son after your maternal grandfather. You have expressed your displeasure of sharing your name with your brother.
I suggest a tactic of ensuring your name is associated with you. If you are called a nickname, I suggest insisting you are called by your full name from now on. I am not sure how often you see your Dad and step-mom but, perhaps you can speak to them more often. Perhaps by saturation, she will become less enamored with using your name. Otherwise, if she does choose your name, perhaps ask your Dad what he plans to call the baby?
I can’t imagine it would be easy for him to call both sons by the same name. Perhaps your brother can be called the anglicized version (Joe/Joseph)?” DogsWatchr
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sharing family names is one thing, but having it within the same family cluster/generation is weird. Talk to your dad about it again. Talk to the wife about it again. Be like ‘How do you think I’m going to feel when you talk about Giuseppe doing this or that and neither of us is going to know who you mean?
Or do you plan on starting to call me something else, taking away the name I’ve had my whole life so that you can use this for your new son? You have a son named Giuseppe and I’m right here. I am so not okay with being replaced by a younger brother because someone is feeling insecure about their place in this family.’
Give Kailey a pointed look, because that’s where this is coming from.
She wants her man to think of her son first, and she’s doing that by giving him his already-there son’s name. That’s some Machiavellian thing.” yay_darkness
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. At all. Either this woman really likes your name and has not thought about it much, or she is trying to replace you. Or she is queen stupid of 2020.
No matter what the reason, it is weird and, I’d even say, wrong to do this.
It’s like the erasure of identity and both you and the baby will suffer. It also would be easy for identity theft.
Tell your father that and ask if he and his wife are trying to commit a crime against him. Ask your maternal relatives to help secure your information and maybe see a lawyer in case something comes up.
Tell her AND everyone that even if it is uncomfortable for you that she decided to name her baby AFTER you it’s a nice gesture.
Make sure everyone your dad and his wife knows thinks that this is the reason she is doing it. She’ll backtrack big time.
Your father is not faultless just because he agrees with you. If he was truly about you or even to the baby he’d have shut this thing down earlier. If they don’t change their decision by her six-month mark have a serious talk with your father.
Tell him that by going through with it, he is indirectly telling you he doesn’t care about you and wants to erase you from his life. And that you will change your surname and will have no relationship with him so that he and his perfect little family can pretend to be the perfect little family because that’s what he clearly wants.
There are so many good ideas in the comments.
Choose everything that will work for you. But no matter what you do, DO NOT open a fight with her whether in public or at home. People like this will always use their pregnancy to portray you as a jerk teen.
Always be calm but stand strong. Publicly say she’s naming the baby after you. Privately tell them both they are deliberately pushing you away and that no matter how much they pretend it is something else you know this is the truth.
They WILL bring in other people into this who will try to bully you into giving up. Tell those people if the family is important why are they trying to mess with a minor child’s identity and why are these family-oriented people helping them bully a minor child.” ohsayaa
9. AITJ For Not Letting My Employee Cut Down Her Hours?
“I own my own company and have a dozen employees. Our hours of operation are 7:30-6. Not every employee works a full day, most don’t. At least once a week, everyone gets a chance to cut out by 3 (not all on the same day, but everyone gets a turn).
One of my employees came to me last week and said that their child’s schooling has gone remote for the remainder of the year. They asked to change their hours to 10-4:30 every day as their spouse works early morning and doesn’t get home until 9:30. I said yes, she could start at 10 but to keep benefits, she had to remain full time. That means working 10-6 every day, as that’ll just get her to 40 hours a week.
I also said she couldn’t have an early day anymore, as that would also take her out of full-time hours. She got mad and said that hours were flexible. I said start times are flexible for those that come in by 8. If I let her leave at 4:30 every day, someone else wouldn’t get an early day and that’s not fair to them when they get here every day at 7/7:30.
I asked if she had a reason to need to leave at 4:30 (ie childcare, appointment, etc. I have kids, I get it). She said no, she wanted to limit her hours and keep her benefits. She proposed working 10-4:30, 3x a week, and 10-2:30 the other 2 days. That’d leave her at 22.5 hours a week, factoring in her 30-minute break on the long days. This schedule just isn’t fair to other people, leaving me without coverage if I did still let others leave early.
Basically, this ended with her agreeing to work 10-6 every workday. As she was leaving, she made a comment about how I don’t get being a mom. I’m a single mom. She’s also one of the 6 employees that also have kids and manages to figure it out or they’re part-time because they can’t.
Am I being a jerk here? My employee has been short with me ever since this talk.
EDIT: There has been the same misinformation repeating.
It is rare anyone but me (the boss) works 7:30-6. If an employee comes in at 7:30, they leave at 2:30. We are simply operating as a company from 7:30-6. The later you come in, the later you stay, like any job. For example, I have one employee that starts at 9 AM. He leaves at 6. Employees in my op had the same schedule for years.
I can not control pt not getting insurance. My employees pay a percentage through their checks and I have investors that pay the remainder, but they only for full-time employees (I have 8 FT employees, 4 PT, it’s what we’re budgeted for)
The issue is not them wanting to be part-time. If they were okay with losing benefits, I’d let them do so and hire someone to cover the slack.
They’re not okay with losing benefits.
Everyone starts out at 20/hr with yearly raises.
And finally, yes, I’m aware 30+ hours is the norm for benefits. It’s just at this company, people are either working 40 hours or they work less than 25. There’s no real in between.”
Another User Comments
“NTJ.
It honestly sucks that we don’t have universal healthcare because it sounds like the biggest problem between you and your employee is that fewer hours means a loss of benefits, healthcare is the most important one.
It seems as if she’s ok with losing out on the wages, but missing out on healthcare is way more expensive.
If that’s the issue, it really sucks, as it does for most of us here.
However, your point about flexible hours is spot on. Flexible hours typically mean that you will get 40 hours a week done, but not necessarily from 9-5. This is what you explained to her.
Her dig that you ‘don’t get being a mom’ just shows how she doesn’t view you as a person, just a boss. She doesn’t know the lives of the people she works with but expects special treatment because she’s a mom. Honestly, I would love it if parents got extra sick days (if we had a doctor’s note for our kids), but it doesn’t work that way.
She wants a permanent and hugely impactful exception to be made for her because she is a mom. If she wants fewer hours with better pay (so she can pay for health insurance herself, again which sucks), then she may need to look for a more profitable job.” NotSoAverage_sister
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. In a global health crisis, most companies are relaxing working hours so that people can do childcare and homeschooling.
My company has just said ‘do what you can’ with no reduction in benefits or salary. If we need to drop out of meetings or block time out of our calendars we just do it without worrying. However, I am in Europe and full-time is 35 hours. I probably actually work about 27. Parents are having to give more by balancing work, chores, and homeschooling so employers should also give more by reducing the number of hours required.
However, I do recognize that this all gets harder if your company is small. If you are an office with 10 employees and all of them need to take more hours for the same money you are going to take a hit. My company can afford to take a hit because we’ve literally got thousands of employees globally and make decent profits. I do have sympathy if you are a small business struggling.” User
Another User Comments:
“I think everyone sucks here. You are choosing to not give her benefits for only working 22.5 hrs/week. You could hire another working Mom for 20 hours/week (have the original employee work it as well) and give them both health benefits. But you are choosing not to. It is a choice. It is a choice that the USA allows, though. And a ridiculous choice that has to be made.
Which is a whole another can of worms that is super messed up in this country. (I will concede that not knowing how successful your business is, and knowing how RIDICULOUSLY expensive health insurance/benefits is, it could be argued that it is too expensive to allow for 2 part-time people vs 1 full-time person. I am not a business owner, so I don’t know.)
She also knows that this is the expectation/norm of our country, and yet seemed to expect it anyway.
Especially making a sarcastic crack to you. That was an incredibly trashy and insensitive thing to say. Yuck. What a jerk move. Her whole behavior was jerkery.
Having said all of that, in my state, we recently lost 130,000 jobs. ALL of which were women. Due to the health crisis and how much women have been expected to take on. That is messed up as well.
The whole thing is a complicated mess.
You can help her out, and it sounds like you did and I super applaud that. I think you were way less of a jerk than her, by quite a bit. I don’t feel you are the victim though. She isn’t either. SO MANY women got 0 help. So really, the USA sucks and is the jerk and we are stuck living in it/dealing with it.” Allecia
8. AITJ For Expecting My Partner To Pay More Rent If He Has His Own Game Room?
“Partner (37M) and I (27F) have been together for a year and a half. We are talking about moving in together when my lease ends this June.
We have had a couple of disagreements about the expectations for our new place. This is definitely the biggest.
We are talking about a 2 bedroom place and we are both trying to get work from home jobs.
At first, he was talking about using the second bedroom as an office/game room/hobby room. I don’t cre where my workstation is set up and he has a lot of hobbies that take up the room (electric guitars, lightsabers building, etc) and he started talking about how he doesn’t want my cats in the room (they are good, his stuff is expensive so he’s overly cautious) so I told him that is fine, but we would have to split rent accordingly since I wouldn’t also have my own space as well.
Well, he seemed offended by this. I told him I wouldn’t have my own space and it wouldn’t be unfair for him to expect me to pay for an area that I or my cats can’t access anyways. So now he’s saying he wants to share the room? But again he has hobbies that take up a lot of space and I don’t think there would be room to split it.
When I pointed this out he said he would just leave a lot of his hobby stuff at his parents (where he currently lives) and said I was trying to nickel and dime him.
I think this is nonsense because he obviously just doesn’t want to pay what is fair space-wise. If we do ‘share’ the second room, it would quickly be taken over by him since my hobbies don’t take up so much space.
AITJ for wanting to split rent based on how much space we get?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Y W B T J if you actually continue the relationship with this child. Doesn’t want to make space for his own children? That’s him showing his colors. Only agrees to share the space when you fairly explain that he should pay more? That’s him showing you who he is.
Why do you think he’s lying? Because he’s done it before by tricking you into thinking he’s a great guy.
His living at home is another flag and I say this as someone who lived with her parents for a few years recently. The only reason this worked for me is that in a truck driver and am home only once every 6 weeks and was spending my home time with them anyway.
They drive my car, I also chip in extra via a direct deposit. Heck, I’ve moved out and I’m still chipping in and they are still using my car.
You’re the one that has to live with your decision to stay with him or leave, but I suspect you’ll be asking someone, if not us if you’re the jerk about something again soon if you stay with this child.
If you don’t, it will because he manipulated you into believing you were to the point you’re not doubting it.” Beneficial_Cloud5481
Another User Comments:
“I’m gonna go with a hesitant ‘everyone sucks here.’ There are a lot of factors that go into living together and paying is a big one. Everyone will divide the space up differently.
I know you say you don’t care where your workspace is, but it has to be somewhere.
So if you’re busy working on the couch in the living room when he has free time can he be out there playing his electric guitars? Maybe, but I would wager you would consider that a distraction. So in a way, he will be excluded from places too.
That being said, if someone is demanding most of the room, they should pay most of the rent.
Just be sure you’re not overlooking the space you require. My ex had the guest bedroom mostly to themselves as an art space that I didn’t go in often for fear of messing something up. This would seem unfair until you hear about how they had less than a shower caddy worth of bathroom supplies and I took up almost all of the counter and cupboards in both of them.
Both of you need to trust each other and respect each other’s needs if you are going to live together.” alexi_belle
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’ve already mentioned before the fact that he goes out to his parents’ place to game and does his hobbies while you’ve asked him not to due to his father not being safe to be around. He’s been showing you for a while that he doesn’t respect you even with just the common decency to try to keep you safe during all that’s going on in the world.
Add on that he’s never paid rent to his parents despite being 37 and living at home, he’s got two kids who he seems really not interested in having over at all.
I mean, refusing to make the second room a room for his kids to stay in so they can spend time with him is very telling of his character alone. He’s been staying with you for 6+ months and pays you nothing except the now and then helping with the wi-fi?
I’m not much younger than you, that’s all I’ll say, but even I can see that this is not a relationship you should even be in if you value yourself at all.
You’re not damaged goods, I know how it feels to feel that way and I still occasionally struggle with it. Your partner should be lifting you up, making you feel good about yourself, not using your lower self-image to his advantage to basically make you feel as if he’s the best you’re gonna get.
In all honesty, you’re likely the best HE’S ever going to get.” WiccanKitty
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
I think you both just have different ideas on how this should work, and I don’t think either of you is particularly out there. It sounds like he’s willing to make compromises, but you’re not sure how they would work out long term.
I think you need to both sit down and have a full discussion about the logistics and financials of moving in together if you haven’t already. Have you discussed if bills will be split 50/50? Have you discussed what services you’re both willing to pay for? Just for example maybe he has hobbies that take up lots of space, but you have a streaming addiction and want 7 different streaming services that he couldn’t care less about.
You need to figure this all out and have an agreed-on plan before you sign a lease.” katiethekatie
You can do better.
7. AITJ When My Brother Cut Me Off For Speaking With His Fiancé?
“I’ve had a good relationship with my brother’s fiancée (H) since they started going out a few years ago, and I’ve always made a conscious effort to make her feel as welcome as possible and we genuinely got on well. My brother (S) can be quite a difficult person and hates it if a situation is out of his control. We used to have a group chat with me, S and H.
This was the only form of communication I had with H and I think it is so that S can oversee what is said.
As H and I became closer and chatted more frequently about everyday life, (tv shows, clothes, holidays, etc) we had a 1on1 chat on messenger so that we didn’t bombard the group chat with boring stuff.
One day, as we were chatting about random TV shows etc the conversation got onto that she wants kids and is unsure if S wants them.
I asked if they hadn’t already discussed this as they’re getting married next year, but she says when she approaches him about it he gets angry, etc. She also brought up a number of things he does that – to me – screams red flags… for example threatening to end things with her if she doesn’t stop asking these questions and calling her lazy if she feels she wants to stay in bed all day due to a depressive state.
So here is where the ‘AITJ’ comes in… I asked her if she genuinely feels that marriage is the right thing if she hasn’t got the answers to the important questions she wants to know. I asked if she feels on edge and depressed around him all the time she says if marriage is really a good idea right now…
Cut to a day or 2 later they’re both home together (they both usually work away on opposite shifts so don’t get to see each other much) I noticed my brother had blocked me on social media.
I messaged H and asked if everything was OK and if she knows why S had deleted social media or blocked me. Rather than getting a response, she blocked me too.
I had to find out from my mother that he is cutting me out of his life for doing what I did. I’m just not sure what I did wrong and was I out of line?
Why did she block me too? I wonder if she showed him the messages or just told a one-sided story to paint me in a bad light?
Edit: I AM FEMALE. I am so straight. In no way did I ever try to chat up my brother’s fiance that is just ludicrous, if you don’t understand what a sister-type relationship is, and think it is ‘unhealthy’… then please educate yourself.
I live in NZ. My mother lives in the UK. S and H live in Australia. H’s mom died when she was young. She still has a relationship with her dad and brother. They cut the rest of her family off for reasons unknown to me.
I noticed I am not blocked on Instagram, my brother doesn’t have Instagram so I will keep her on there in case she feels the need to reach out.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your brother is clearly an abuser plain and simple, trying to dictate to a partner who they can and can’t talk to? Verbally abusing someone for being lazy when they suffer from depression? Getting angry and threatening to leave whenever their partner tries to communicate about something they may not be comfortable with? This is pretty much the first point but still purposely going out of their way to isolate their partner from any support networks?
That is all abuse.
Unfortunately, abusive relationships are hard, the victim can have a hard time seeing the abuse and even if they can see it they can have a hard time walking away from it. All you can do is be there if she chooses to come to you about it or tries to get your help in walking away from your brother, you can’t force her.
Your brother doesn’t sound like a good person, after this all plays out and hopefully she wakes up and leaves him, I wouldn’t allow him back into your life.” OpenMessage3865
Another User Comments:
“YTJ if you were speaking to a friend of yours then these are valid questions. But given that this is your brother’s fiancée, you should’ve given a neutral response to her concerns and spoken to your brother.
You could’ve said to him:
I was speaking to H the other day and she seemed concerned about XYZ. I thought you should know she was feeling this way and maybe you could do ABC to fix this.
Relatives should stay out of relationship issues unless there is immediate danger. Why? Because of exactly what happened. She’s gone back to her supposed abuser and you have lost contact with your brother.
She may well be the one trying to drive a wedge between him and his family and used you as a pawn to do this.” ashleys_
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your brother is manipulative, controlling, and abusive.
Your soon-to-be in-law is likely too deep at this point to see it or make the decision to leave, unfortunately.
It’s possible that either he blocked you himself, or he has his hooks so deep that she did block you- either at his insistence or because she doesn’t like the truth.
Been there myself.
Unfortunately, there isn’t much you can do unless you’re willing to practically EAT your tongue, play nice, and act like absolutely nothing is wrong to get close again, and only listen to the soon to be in-law, and not share your opinions, and only offer help if she asks.
Doing so could result in absolutely nothing happening but you have to have a front seat view of this train wreck of an abusive, toxic relationship though, and that CAN and WILL affect YOUR mental health.
Remember- you’re not a therapist. You’re not a part of an organization that exists to help victims of abuse (these do exist btw, kinda like some witness protection type of vibes these groups have, which is great IMO) you’re, as far as we know from this post, just a person who can see that this is unhealthy, and you don’t have training as a professional of any kind to deal with these situations, which could result in you suffering as well.
I get the drive to help- trust me, lord do I with my bleeding heart and self-sacrificial tendencies… but also, I know that all it does is weigh on me, exhaust me, and hurt me. You need to think of yourself and hope that she gets help.” femme_enby
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, you brought this on yourself.
You technically didn’t do anything wrong, you were having a conversation with someone that you consider a friend and asking good, real questions that people should consider before marriage.
That said, it’s not your relationship and it sounds like you were discouraging her from getting married to your brother, intentionally or not. Of course, he’s annoyed at you. Your best option if you had a time machine would have been to say ‘I don’t feel comfortable talking about your relationship with him. Maybe ask another friend that’s not related?’
To be clear, your brother sounds pretty bad, but his reaction here isn’t jerkish, you interfered in his relationship so he blocked you.
She either blocked you at his request, or he did ‘for her’, but I’d not get in any deeper into this. Give it time and hopefully, it will pass, one way or the other.” SingularityMechanics
6. AITJ For Not Wanting My Ex To Keep The House I Put The Down Payment On?
“My ex broke up with me a little over a month ago. We own a home together that we bought in September of 2019 w/ funds I got from selling my condo. Not only was I the only one to put a payment down on the house, but I also helped him pay off his car (~$1200) and put maybe $600-$700 into helping start a home gym.
When we broke up at the beginning of December, I decided to take our 2 dogs and drive down to my parents’ house 4 hours away. We decided we would wait until September (our 2-year mark) of this year to sell to avoid paying capital gains. We soon realized maybe this wasn’t the best course of action as it would be keeping our finances tied together for a lot longer than necessary and also the potential of a market crash could happen.
We live in a booming area, so that is not likely to happen, but with the election, we were told it is a possibility.
We agreed selling was probably best and just eating a bit of the money on capital gains. He said he would stage the house for photos and get a friend to come over and take them for us. A few days later, he calls me and tells me he wants to look into taking out a home equity line of credit to buy me out.
This didn’t sit well with me, as there is an emotional attachment to the house. He mentioned I should look into this myself then, but ultimately, I cannot afford it.
He loves the house too and wants to keep his home gym and is adamant about this being the best course of action for me to get my funds the quickest. This didn’t sit well with me, as we only got into this house because of me.
I have the dogs and now I am having to go back to renting, as I can’t afford to buy anything with a yard.
He told me he found out he can only take out so much for the HELOC (home equity line of credit) and this number is only a few grand over my down payment that I put down on the house. This doesn’t sound like a good deal to me as our home value has increased at a minimum of $40k since we bought it.
I know this cause we refinanced a week before he broke up with me. Don’t even get me started on the frustration I have with that.
We did some quick math with liberal estimates for fees/what it would cost to sell the house and I would get a few thousand more if we sold. It would take longer to sell and I have enough funds right now to get back up there and into an apartment without that fund, so I am okay to wait a couple of months if need be.
Another thing is the market is hot where we live. No housing and lots of demand, so we could possibly get 10k+ more offered from buyers by listing.
I feel like he is coming out smelling like roses if I side with him. I invested in it for us and if I had known that we’d break up less than a year and half into it and he would reap the benefits of keeping the house, I would never have agreed to buy it.
I’m not trying to be spiteful or put him in a trashy spot, but I have been massively inconvenienced by this and he would be getting everything that he wants, meanwhile I am back to square one.
I feel guilty saying no to him. AITJ for wanting to sell?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you absolutely should NOT let him keep the house. You need your down payment back AND you need the equity you paid into the house on top of your portion of the current estimated value of the house.
If you allow him to just do the HELOC you’re losing out on a pretty significant amount. On top of that, a HELOC does not remove your name from the mortgage. He would need to get his mortgage on the house without you and it’s highly unlikely that he’s going to be able to pay you all of the above on top of getting a new mortgage.
He’s basically trying to screw you over.
You need to have the house appraised asap and absolutely engage a lawyer so you can have someone in your corner to protect your butt… etc.” X3n0m0rphs
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Him for wanting you to sell him your share in the house for less than market rate and you for wanting to keep it just so he can’t have the house.
Agree with your ex to put the house on the market and see what you can get for it. If he can match the top offer then agree you’ll sell it to him. If he can’t then you both agree to sell it to the person who made the offer and split the amount. There’s no reason you should be out of pocket but you shouldn’t be spiteful either.” MinionsHaveWonOne
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all – you need to take the course of action that means you BOTH come out of this as well as you can financially. If you’re going to get more moolah from putting it on the market and he can’t afford to make up the difference from buying it outright himself then that’s his own problem.
What I would say is don’t make a decision on quick estimations and sit down and do a proper and thorough cost/benefit analysis and work out how you will actually be better off financially, 10k can easily be eaten up in solicitor/realtor fees and a couple of months longer than expected in selling the property, I don’t know what other costs you’re currently liable for but it is important to be really clear where you will be financially before you decide one way or another.
Once you have some more concrete numbers work from there (and add 2-3% to your costs cause idk but life always seems to happen and everything costs more than you expect) and then decide how annoying it’s going to be in a longer process of selling the house vs potential financial gain, etc.
Also, I hate to be the harbinger of doom and I don’t know what your ex is like, but if he really wants to buy the house and is currently the sole occupant he could certainly make things more complicated vis a vis a quick sale if he thinks it’ll back you into a corner financially.
Obviously, that doesn’t apply in every situation and hopefully, he won’t behave that way but just a possibility to be aware of, and while you can potentially sue for any of this later – it would require a huge financial outlay and a massive headache.
I’d recommend getting yourself a lawyer.” Connolly156
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ, this sounds an awful lot like spite.
If you counter with what you think the number should be and he bristles then sell, but if he accepts the number and you still insist on selling that’s crazy. You mentioned you can’t afford to keep it, if he can, let him, otherwise, you’re just letting emotions dictate the answer.” gkcontra
5. AITJ If I Tell My Partner Not To Refer To Me As His "Wife"?
“My partner (33M) and I (30F) have been together for over 5 years and have a 1-year-old son together.
We’ve been homeless together, lost a baby together, and slowly built our lives back up. He never liked the idea of marriage, saying, ‘I don’t see why the gov’t has to be involved and why we should have to prove our love to anyone.’ I get it, but marriage/a proposals are very important to me. He said he’d marry me because he plans on being with me indefinitely anyway and because he thinks it’d be good for our son.
During my pregnancy, he mentioned several times that he wanted to get married before our son was born. I waited but never got a proposal or anything.
Last month was our 5 year anniversary and I thought it’d be great to get married that day. I was heartbroken he still never proposed, especially because he proposed to his last gf before me with a ring and everything.
I let the idea of a romantic proposal go and reminded myself that marrying him was the most important part. He said if we could pull it off he was fine with it. He wanted nothing to do with setting it up, which was okay with me. Even for our baby shower, he said he didn’t want to hear about it, so a family friend and I took care of it ourselves.
I changed my schedule at work, picked a location, time, 2 witnesses and someone ordained to officiate (it was meant to be a small ceremony just to sign the license to make it legal). I ran some of the details by him throughout the planning and he kept agreeing they were fine.
2 days before the wedding, the day I planned to go get the license, he said he felt ‘forced and pushed into getting married’ and didn’t like the idea of doing it now.
So I had to cancel everything and explain to everyone at work when they asked how the wedding went. It was so pathetic and humiliating. I went into a major depressive episode and didn’t even think we would be together much longer. He said he’d definitely marry me eventually but not now. I told him after what happened I would NEVER bring up marriage to him again.
His response was, ‘Okay, great! That’s awesome!’ (not sarcastic at all, just completely relieved and happy). But I also told him that I wouldn’t just be his partner forever. He didn’t seem bothered by that, he was just happy I’d shut up about getting married to him.
He recently introduced me to someone as, ‘This is my wife, Alicia’. It felt like a slap in the face.
He’d referred to me as his wife occasionally throughout the years before the wedding fiasco, but the fact that he still today calls me his wife really upsets me because he messed up that chance when he had it. Would I be the jerk if I told him I don’t appreciate being called his wife after everything that happened and to not refer to me as such?
I wanna make sure I’m not in the wrong before I bring it up and potentially cause an argument over it.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your partner knows this is important to you, says he’ll do it eventually so why can’t he just do it because he knows it’ll make you happy? It’s really shady of him to let you plan it all and then “change his mind” but it kind of feels like that was his plan all along.
He bought himself time by letting you do some planning and then gaslit you by telling you he feels pressured. He’s hoping you fall for the sunk cost fallacy-I have a feeling if you didn’t have a child, this far in with differing views on what’s a fundamental value for you after 5 years, you’d probably have left him for his little canceled wedding stunt.
But he’s relying on the fact that you have a child that you’ll stick around no matter what he does (or doesn’t do.) OP you need to have a serious talk with him.
If it’s something you truly want and won’t feel content without doing, you need solid confirmation from him and not just ‘eventually’ because he’s going to use that ‘eventually’ for decades.
He’s stringing you along and you need to decide if you’re okay with what IMO is disrespectful behavior to you, or if what you want is too different and you should move on before you’ve put another 5 years into someone who treats you pretty crappy in regards to something very important to you. Doesn’t sound like a kind, trustworthy partner to me.” Calvo838
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You made every attempt to give him the space and time he ‘needed’, and then even completely planned all the details for the most basic of weddings. To have to cancel everything almost at the altar has a very negative effect on you, obviously. I don’t feel like you rushed him, you’ve been with him for five years, and have a child together.
There may be an underlying reason for him not wanting to be married. Does one of you have poor credit that would affect both of you if you were married? How long was he in his prior relationship, the one you said he DID propose? And why does he sometimes refer to you as his wife, when he doesn’t sound like he’s even given you a ring?
My partner and I have decided that we will never marry. Part of that is due to finances, I’d potentially lose part of my disability stipend if I marry, or lose whatever social security I qualify for from my dead husband. Also, he’s had emotional and physical abuse from his ex-wives, even though he has never felt abused by me. So we have reasons. Perhaps you need to probe and find out what’s happening.
And if you aren’t getting the answers you need, then you may have to make a hard choice. Are you willing to continue living with him, hoping that he will eventually actually go through and marry you? Or are you tired of him apparently stringing you along, and want to find out what’s out there for you if you are an independent agent? There are men out there that are just happy to find a true companion, even with a child.
And some love getting an instant family, especially if they don’t have to deal with the baby stage.
You have some tough questions to ask, and some tough decisions to make. I hope that things work out well for you and your child.” unwillingvictim
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You are not his wife and he has made absolutely sure of that, so telling him: ‘hold on… wife?
When did we get married?’ Is justified (depending on where you live, in the US there are a few states with ‘common law’ marriage laws that would say that you and he are married – things they take into account are: how you introduce each other (ie wife or SO), do you have a joint bank account, do you meet the minimum wage requirements, do you have the mental capacity to consent to marriage, using your partner’s last name, do you live together and for how long, et cetera et cetera).
Now onto commentary:
Brutal honesty: he’s never going to marry you, he’s refused and gets irritated when you bring it up or outright dismisses it. You did EVERYTHING (and still double-checked with him) for the ceremony and he backed out last minute. I don’t know what happened with his past fiancée if it was traumatic, but it is time to sit down with him, explain that you would like to get married, that this is very important to you and his constant telling you ‘one day’ no longer suffices – you want a real concrete answer: will there EVER be a wedding?
Do you want to be married to me? Why have you put it off?
My mom gave my dad five years to propose and she had it in her brain (after I think she said the fourth year of being together, they were living together, had pets, he was in medical school and would be moving for residency) that should he not propose after five years it was over (he proposed exactly one week before that five year mark).
So your five years, a child, a home, being homeless, and losing a child (deeply sorry for your loss), feels like a lot of contexts with which you made the decision to want to marry him, now it’s why he is refusing that needs to be addressed and hope that context will help you make a guided decision on to leave or stay.” CareFrenchieN
4. AITJ For Telling Someone That We Think He's Going To Report Us To The Boss?
“I work at a family homeless shelter and get along with the majority of my coworkers. The only one I don’t like is Alex. One day, I was talking to my supervisor (Jane), my other coworker (Josie), and Alex about anti-bullying campaigns because we work with school-aged kids. I said something along the lines of, ‘I am on board with covering bullying but these things never work.
The kids will be nice to each other for the day and then go back to being mean if the parents aren’t talking to their kids about this at home. I’ve worked in schools (I taught in a district for one year) and it happens there too.’ I made it clear that I was still on board with the anti-bullying campaign but Alex had big hopes that this would stop bullying.
He didn’t say anything to me but stormed out and wrote an email to my supervisor about how he felt like I was supporting bullying. My supervisor was there and realized it was so far off the mark so she told me about it and told me to be more careful because Alex is known for this.
After talking to a few others, I found out he has written emails about a few people.
One person for accidentally misgendering him (Alex is trans) but it was an honest mistake. The person said ‘Goodnight ladies’ to me and Josie without seeing Alex sitting at the computer and Alex wrote about how he felt attacked. He also wrote up another guy (Mike) because Mike is also trans and told Alex that he needs to cool it with getting so upset with the kids for asking Alex if he’s a boy or a girl.
They are both in the earlier stages of transitioning and Mike was trying to share his experience but Alex wrote an email about feeling like his experiences weren’t being validated. He also once reported someone on my behalf even though I wasn’t offended by what the person said. We also have a running joke where we all (not including Alex but including the other guys and girls) ask each other ‘Are you on your period?’ whenever someone gets annoyed about something small.
Josie said it to one of the guys (Blake) and Alex overheard and reported it for being transphobic.
Me, Josie, Mike, and 3 other coworkers all take a big lunch together every Friday. We sit apart and everything but we talk about a bunch of stuff, some of it being offensive and/or very personal but we are all okay with it. We also all hang out outside of work.
We get tested weekly for the job so we kind of made a small bubble together. Alex isn’t included in the lunches or the outings and asked about it today. I said, ‘Honestly Alex, we are just afraid of saying the wrong thing. You are too quick to write an email. You reported someone on my behalf without even talking to me about it. Who does that?
I don’t want to feel like I am always walking on eggshells around you.’ Alex got very upset and went back to his desk and said if we didn’t say anything wrong we won’t be reported. Josie said I shouldn’t have said anything because Alex will probably write another email and one of the guys said it was kind of a jerk move but it needed to be said.
AITJ?
Edit: Since there is a bunch of confusion, I am a 24-year-old woman. This is not a super-selective group. We talk to everyone and have inside jokes with everyone. The health crisis really brought us together and we got to know each other all really well. The offensive jokes aren’t offensive to us and happen in an enclosed break room. If Alex walks in we stop talking.
We joke about everything from gender to race. I’m mixed (black/white), another guy is mixed (black/white), Mike is mixed (Latino/black), Blake is Black, another girl is black, another girl is white. Mike is going out with the white girl and we make jokes about that. It’s just a good group and everyone is chill. We aren’t excluding anyone.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I’m a trans guy myself. Unfortunately, many newly transitioning trans people are going through a very difficult time, to the point of acting much younger than their age, often with teenage-like insecurity, blow-ups, and other difficult behavior. They are literally in the middle of an identity crisis.
Tattling to management whenever his feelings are hurt without context or attempting to talk it out first is immature.
He has decided that you and your coworkers are transphobic, and everything he hears is warped by that belief.
While I don’t looove the premise of the joke myself, asking a cis guy if he is on his period is not transphobic??? (The premise is a little misogynistic, but as an inside joke among most women, I don’t think it’s a big deal). Alex is projecting because of his dysphoria.
Getting mad at kids for not knowing if he is a boy or a girl though? Straight up unacceptable.
It sounds like you’re doing what you can to be sensitive – i.e. not saying certain things in his presence. You cannot be expected to know everything that may bother someone who is going through a time of hypersensitivity, and Alex refuses to have an adult conversation about it.
Because mentally, he is not an adult. Usually, this is grown out of in a year or two post coming out.
Until then, it’s fair to leave him out of conversations rather than being in constant fear of being offensive to one person. It’s not his fault that he’s going through a hard time, but it is his responsibility to work on his behavior and conflict resolution skills.” ezrareadallaboutit
Another User Comments:
“‘If you don’t say anything wrong, you won’t be reported’ is a TERRIBLE attitude from someone who doesn’t even make the effort to ascertain what was actually said.
I feel for people like Alex because he’s obviously had a hard time and ‘doing the right thing’ is clearly part of his identity as a coping mechanism, and so any criticism feels like an attack on the whole identity he’s trying to build up in a transphobic world.
But unfortunately, he doesn’t exist in a vacuum. He’s even doing this to other trans people. He needs help. He’s made clear he won’t accept it from you. You are NTJ, you handled this extremely maturely and you told him the issue to his face. He should learn how to handle things in this way.
I disagree with some commenters that reporting someone on your behalf was necessarily wrong.
If someone said something transphobic, he was within his rights to report it no matter who said it and to whom. ‘Are you on your period’ would be offensive if said to a trans man? But it wasn’t said to a trans man, and Alex needs to realize not everything is about him. Just because he finds some behavior distasteful doesn’t mean it’s grounds for disciplinary action.
To be honest, if not for his behavior I would feel pretty sorry for Alex. It sounds like you all bond over some pretty crass humor and some people don’t like that. I don’t like it, because I’m autistic, and I don’t like ‘punching down’ humor, but I respect that others do. Alex clearly can’t relate to it because he’s trans and all your topics for jokes are quite personal and upsetting to him.
You could show some empathy for that, but he’s shut himself off. He’s throwing around serious words like ‘attacked’ like they’re going out of style. This is offensive. If it had no consequence, it would be bad enough, and no one would blame you for not wanting to be the bigger people and try to accommodate him. But he’s made it clear he’s going to try to get you fired if you say something he doesn’t like.
This is horrible. He doesn’t fit in and he hates everyone for it. The trans aspect is just a smokescreen for being insecure, hateful, and trigger-happy.
To be honest, your supervisor is a slight jerk for just telling you all that Alex is known for this. There needs to be an intervention. Your manager should be sitting down with Alex and showing empathy for his experience while making clear that he is effectively making colleagues feel threatened and on edge at their jobs and needs to stop this behavior.
He’s BERATING HOMELESS CHILDREN. He shouldn’t be in the job if he can’t put his own victim status aside when dealing with people far more vulnerable than he is (which I’m sure he’d take as an insult too; oh you’re a minor without a roof over your head? HOW DARE YOU INVALIDATE MY EXPERIENCE AND TAKE ATTENTION FROM ME). This is not the way to educate people and get them on your side.
You are not all props for Alex’s self-validation and homeless children are certainly not. It must be super painful for him that he doesn’t pass, but he can’t take that pain out on other people. He needs help and him not receiving any has led to you all, reasonably, distancing yourself from him.
The direct answer he received from you is something he needs to receive from higher up, and if they are afraid to criticize him because he’ll cry ‘transphobia’, that proves both that he’s been let down and that you need to stay away from him.” gold_dusted
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, yes Alex is being hypersensitive to everything and needs to get over himself a bit, but, you’re not exactly blame-free. You’ve admitted it yourself. You use offensive language. Just cos your workmates are happy with joining in on that doesn’t mean it’s okay. That period joke is awful. The 1950s to 1990s called, they want their workplace chauvinism back.
It doesn’t matter if you say it ironically, anything that sounds exactly like the same crap a 50-year-old businessman would say when being put in their place is just… mimicking a 50-year-old businessman’s chauvinism. The thing we’re kind of fighting against. Alex has a point. If you didn’t say anything that could be reported, you wouldn’t be reported. It’s Alex’s overzealous execution of it that’s his problem.
You need to meet the middle ground. You need to be more appropriate in the workplace, and Alex needs to stop taking everything as a sleight on his existence.” User
3. AITJ For Keeping Photos Of My Daughter In The Garage?
“My partner’s daughter (20) is well… awful. She was a very dower kid and often made things very difficult in our house with extreme meltdowns and mean behavior towards my daughter. This was always an issue for my daughter (23), but she handled things pretty well and understood the position I’m in with her stepmom.
But our coexistence all came crashing down 2 yrs ago when my daughter unleashed on her stepsister and sent her a long angry message about how she was treated and her opinion of her. In my opinion… her SS was indeed a terror, but my daughter is 3 and a half years older and should have understood the tight spot I was in and been the bigger person.
SD is still a little moody, but she stopped being mean to my daughter a few years ago. Time has passed and it’s time to move on.
This understandably made things very difficult for me. My wife dislikes my daughter now and my stepdaughter hates her. My daughter has barely spoken to me for the last two years since I moved across the country with her stepmom and blew up at me about stuff that happened in the last ten years with her stepmom and sister… petty childish t*t for tat stuff like not getting new stuff like her sister, the food in the house being stuff her sister liked, or her sister being mean to her with no interference from us (she claims it rose to the level of bullying but my own sister, a teacher, said that’s just how siblings are and I agree).
She thinks her stepmom treated her sister better, but my wife was very kind to my daughter by thinking of her at all… many step-parents wouldn’t and she was never mean to her- only disliking her to protect her own daughter when mine decided to be confrontational. My wife is the breadwinner, and I am not my daughter’s only parent, so she did not have to have everything be equal in my house.
My SD on the other hand only has her mother, so of course, things were slightly skewed in her favor at ours. That’s the way it should work!
On to the issue at hand… She came to visit for the first time and saw that we don’t have photos of her in the house. I have photos of her in my office in the garage, but she’s upset that there are none of her in public in the house, unlike SD.
My wife doesn’t want to subject my SD to photos in the house of someone who messaged her telling her she was a brat, and I can’t blame her. SD lives here, and daughter doesn’t. Why would we have photos of her in view of SD?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – I can’t believe you have such a low bar of what you believe is appropriate behavior towards your daughter.
Because your wife is the breadwinner you have basically tossed your own daughter aside. The fact that you didn’t support her and try to stop the bullying behavior when it was going on is strike number one. Being upset that after years of her being treated terribly you blamed her for finally bringing it up, strike number two. The fact that you think doing the barest minimum as a stepparent is an appropriate behavior, it’s not just awful it’s extremely sad, strike number three.
The fact that you won’t even advocate for your own child, or appear to want to even have her pictures up in your house, strikes number four.
I fully suspect that your child is going to go no contact with you, and I wouldn’t blame them in the least for doing that. You have been a terrible example of a father. I’ve been a stepparent, and I can tell you that I did so much for my stepchild, I made sure that they knew they were loved and cared for and were important in our household.
Maybe you can use that as an example to look at how your wife treated your daughter. Personally, I think your household sounds terrible. Maybe you need to start speaking up for your only child while you still have one.” Roadgoddess
Another User Comments:
“Wow YTJ. Let me get this straight, you expect your daughter to be a bigger person and take everything the SD dishes out for her and not retaliate because what… she was born 3 years earlier?
I can’t believe you’re using age as an excuse to let your step-daughter off the hook. Instead of doing something to stop the enablement of your SD to get away with whatever things she does, you instead went with expecting your daughter to put up with it. Seriously whether two or twenty, bad behavior is bad behavior. Nobody has to put up with that for any reason.
And the fact that you didn’t defend your daughter and have her back just to avoid confrontation, tells a lot about your character. So don’t be surprised if your daughter goes in low contact with you.
And geez. The fact that you’re asking ‘why would we have photos of her around SD?’ is nuts. Why not? Is she not your daughter? Is she not your b***d and family?
She’s not wrong to be hurt and upset, because you just solidified the opinion she probably already formed about you. That you’re not gonna stand up for her. You’d rather keep a photo of her in the garage than tell your wife and SD, ‘She’s my daughter, she’s part of the family, whether you like it or not, there will be pictures of her around the house.’ And it’s not just about the stupid pictures, mind you, it’s that in general you’re never gonna be there for her because you’re spineless.
Jesus.” bluntrose
Another User Comments:
“YTJ…if time has passed and it’s time to move on then it’s time for ur Step Daughter and wife to grow up and move on to.
U know what people keep in their garages (even if that’s where your office is)? Junk… things they hold onto because they feel obligated to, but don’t want it on display or in their homes.
You’re basically saying ur daughter is junk.
Your daughter will probably be in therapy for years because of how u allowed ur stepdaughter to treat ur child as she was growing up. And I find it hard to believe u are unaware of how much u mistreated her as well.
Keeping the foods ur SD liked over the ones ur D liked, not believing her when she said she was bullied by ur SD… I have siblings and yes we can be terrible to one another, but there’s a difference between sibling rivalry and bullying.
YOU DON’T get to decide how ur daughter felt. If ur daughter thought her stepmom was favoring her daughter over her instead of treating them equally, then she was. Again u DON’T get to decide how she felt about how she was treated.
It wasn’t your job to make sure ur SD had more than your own child because she didn’t have two parents and ur daughter did.
That wasn’t ur daughter’s fault. It wasn’t ur Step Daughter’s fault (that she didn’t have two biological parents around) either but maybe if u were less worried about how this effects/effected u then they could have fostered a healthier relationship a long time ago, especially if u had stopped making excuses for and justifying ur SD behavior toward ur D – now I wouldn’t be surprised if ur D cut u off completely and never spoke to u again.
It would be nothing less than what u deserved.” dra9nfly
Wow, YTA big time. I hope your daughter goes NC
2. AITJ For Rooting Against My Sister In A High School Tournament?
“My sister (17F) and I (17M) are technically twin brothers and sisters but we don’t really look alike other than hair and skin color. I would say we’re kinda close, but not like best friends or anything like that, more like we help each other out when the other really needs it or stuff like that. We both started playing chess from a young age and only have gotten better.
Looking back, what’s weird is that we have rarely ever played each other, and never have played in a professional setting.
Our school ran a chess tournament this year, in which anybody of the first 64 sign-ups could participate in the tournament if they were in 10th-12th grade. Both my sister and I signed up, and we ended up playing each other in the semifinals.
I’ll admit she was beating me from the start, so it wasn’t a crazy close match or anything, but it was still competitive, and I ended up losing. I kinda feigned a ‘hey go win it all now sis’ or some other fake nonsense I said.
Secretly, I was rooting against her in the finals, because while my sister has never been a bragger or anything like, I know she wouldn’t rub it in my face that she won the tournament and beat me, but I just didn’t think I would be able to stand seeing her at home every day knowing that if I beat her I would probably have won the whole thing, and I probably would be reminded by myself of my failure every time I saw her.
The guy who my sister played in the finals was a machine though, so he easily beat her, and when he did beat her, involuntarily, I stood and smiled and clapped for him with his friends and family, out of relief that I didn’t have to live with feelings of failure and regret. That’s where I may have screwed up since my sister saw me clapping and smiling for her opponent.
Later, at home, my sister started yelling at me and told me that I ‘wasn’t her brother anymore’ since I rooted against her. My parents have also been giving me the nonsense that I was a terrible brother to do that to his own sister, which I think is nonsense. It’s my choice who I root for, so AITJ? Honestly, if she really feels that I am not her brother just because I rooted against her after I literally lost against her, that’s fine, since it’s her stupid choice anyways and not mine.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. GROW UP. You’re not always gonna win in life, get used to it. Sometimes, like in this tournament, your family is going to beat you. You’re not always gonna be the best and no one likes a sore loser. You would’ve been crushed to see your family root for your opponents just because they didn’t get to be up there.
You should’ve been proud of your sister for beating you since you think your skills are so top-notch. Instead, you wanted to take her down with your jealousy and pettiness.” AstronomerPrevious71
Another User Comments:
“Yep, YTJ. You admitted that it was your ego and pride that led you to root for her competitor and that’s why you’re getting that rating. It’s selfish and terrible.
Had you rooted for her competitor because, say, he just lost his house in fire and could really use something to brighten his mood… well, the rating might change. In some families you support your family members in their endeavors no matter what, and if you recognize that in your own family then you’re the jerk for that too. Obviously, your sister expected your support and frankly, most people would.
Here’s to hoping your selfish nature fades as you grow up and through adolescence into adulthood.” DrKittyLovah
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – if you cannot support your family, let alone your own twin and be happy for them during success, even if that means they are beating you then you are going to have a very sad life.
It’s also extremely poor sportsmanship.
My brother and I were the state champions in tenpin bowling growing up and would compete in competitions against each other, I cannot imagine either of us not cheering for the other.
Your behavior was beyond disgusting and you need to reevaluate the way you look at things because one day someone is going to have to wipe your parents’ butt and you want to have a really good relationship with your sister at that point.” MilkyPsycow
1. AITJ For Throwing Away A Family Heirloom?
“My entire family has some type of weird obsession with collecting the baby teeth of their children.
I’m not talking about a few to keep as memories, I’m talking about the entire set. All 32 of them if possible. They put them in clear glass jars for displays, label them with their child’s name and even decorate it.
As a kid, I thought this was normal. I thought every family just did this. It wasn’t until I was 22, yes twenty two, until I realized just how creepy this stuff was.
Recently I had to move back in with my mom. She had glass jars full of teeth displayed in the living room for everyone to see. I was really uncomfortable and suggested we move it somewhere else but she just shrugged it off.
A month passed and somehow I didn’t get used to the jar of teeth. Maybe it would’ve been ok if there was only 1 jar… but there were 7 of them.
4 for me and my siblings, 1 for my mom, and 2 for my late grandparents. They just felt incredibly disgusting to look at and made me feel deeply uncomfortable inside.
And for some reason, I especially did not want my jar up there. I don’t know how to explain it, it just feels strange to look at a jar full of your own baby teeth.
Anyhow, I tried hiding it a few times but my mom eventually found out and put them back in the living room.
I have no idea why she chooses to display them there. Eventually, I got so sick of it that I just threw it away. Just mine, no one else’s
My mom found out and screamed at me for throwing away a family heirloom. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, it’s not weird at all! I actually think a lot of parents collect their child’s baby teeth.
My mom did it with us, her mom did it with my mom, and I plan on doing it with my children once they hit that age. My husband’s mom did him as well.
It isn’t even your house, your mom gave you a place to stay, and for you to throw something that meant a lot to her out just because ‘you thought it was weird’ is just downright disrespectful.
That is something your mom will NEVER be able to get back.
The way I see it, it was her house, even if you did ask her to move them and she said no, she wasn’t obligated to relocate them from your view.
And what confuses me is you said as a child it never bothered you. You would think that it still wouldn’t bother you as an adult because you would be so used to seeing them growing up you would pretty much be desensitized to it, and not even think twice about them being there.
EDIT: I also just wanted to add, how does only throwing YOUR teeth away, make any difference? There are still 6 jars of teeth there, how is just one jar missing going to make you feel any more comfortable about looking at them? Your baby teeth, along with your siblings’ teeth, were probably the ones that meant the most to her, after all, you guys will always be her babies.
So even if it was just YOUR jar, you still are the major jerk here.” LavishnessBeginning3
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I was conflicted because it’s a collection in someone else’s home, basically. you don’t live there all the time, you don’t have to see it once you move away again. Buuuut, they are your teeth, and I don’t think that’s considered an ‘heirloom’, jewelry or a special item of clothing is an heirloom, not a body part on display.
You have every right to dispose of your personal body parts however you choose to (and boy, was that weird to write.)” MageVicky
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Do you make a habit of going to an adult’s house and throwing out things that are important to them because you personally don’t like it? It’s in the same vein as keeping the umbilical cord or first lock of hair cut.
If someone had a growth wall for their child and they included their first set of shoes and they retained an odor, you wouldn’t rip it off the wall and throw it away when nobody is looking. Or would you? That is essentially what you did, except you did it to your mom.
Congrats on being a jerk to your mom because you care more about the attitudes towards family heirlooms by people not in the family (that the jars have literally zero impact on in their overall lives) than your family that cares about them as sentimental reminders of family.” usernamesbugme
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They’re your teeth. Not your mom’s teeth. Your mom can do whatever she wants with hers, but if it makes you uncomfortable that your teeth are on a (creepy) display, I’d say it’s your choice to take them down. ps. I’d take them down too. I get that it’s supposed to be sentimental but Jesus why the whole set?
That would unsettle me too.” toeeeyp
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