People Put Up With A Lot In These “Am I The Jerk?” Stories
21. AITJ For Refusing To Do My Brothers' Chores Despite Their Anxiety Diagnosis?
“I’ve (26F) had this conversation with my mom for over 10 years. She taught me how to cook and clean when I was 8, and expected me to be on top of it and my studies, as well as pick up after my brothers.
Her excuse for them was “they’re busy studying” whenever I asked her why they were not doing the same chores as I was. As I grew older, I picked up after myself and started living independently even when I lived with my family.
Fast forward to a few days ago.
She insists I should pick up after them again because my little brother was diagnosed with anxiety. I said no, I have my own commitments. She said it’s because it’s my role. I said they have to learn how to pick up after themselves, and she argued that she can’t teach them.
I said I’m not going to because I wasn’t the one who birthed them, so I don’t have the responsibility to. She doesn’t know that my brothers already know how to clean up after themselves, but to my mom, it’s not to her standard. My mom got angry and attempted to ban me from going out, but I said I could just go to a friend’s house to live there if she was so insistent.
My mom storms off, and is now spamming the family chat about how wronged she is, how she suffered through raising me and this is how I give back to her, etc.
The guilt is eating me alive but right now I’m at my partner’s place and ignoring my mom’s messages so I can clear my head.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mom is trying to abdicate her responsibility to your brothers and put it onto your shoulders. With your mom’s attitude, your brothers are going to be living with her forever because they don’t have independent living skills. She’d better teach them if she ever wants them out of the house!
LOL! Anxiety shouldn’t prevent your brothers from doing chores. It is an explanation as to why he might need different strategies or ways to do things but it is not an excuse to get out of doing them.” Ducky818
Another User Comments:
“NTJ!! Of course not!
And I’d advise you to go and live away from home if things are like that and she can’t ban you from anything, you’re an adult! I, being Latina, come from a household where women were expected to do everything, which is one of the reasons I learned to cook on my own but never cooked for my family until long after all my older siblings had left and flat-out refused to do it when my sister moved back with her sons.
She’s the mother and responsible for teaching her children, ALL her children to be functional adults. My brothers only learned to cook and do laundry when they were going to be studying abroad ergo living on their own. Whilst I learned to do all those things and in fact DID all those things, since I was 15 years old.
Why is it so hard for your brothers to pick basic life skills? Just find a room you can rent or a roommate or someplace and leave. Because my mother changed her tune when I decided to stay and help her out since she needed and I live independently even though I live in her house, but yours doesn’t seem to be able to do so.” CatKitKat
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mother is now dealing with two men who have weaponized incompetence–they deliberately make minimal effort to fail to meet her standards–and cause such a fuss that she defaults to trying to make you do it. Sadly, you live in a sexist system where selfish dudes get away with this by torturing women like your mother with their jerk behavior, and she wasn’t able to instill any familial responsibility, and can’t enforce it now.
Tell the family chat that your brothers are perfectly capable of not living in filth, they have just chosen to be lazy misogynists. Then go live with your friend.” Sea-Mud5386
20. AITJ For Not Wanting My Roommate's Unknown Guests In Our Shared Space?
“I have two roommates (F20) and (F19). I am (F23), we all go to nearby colleges and were randomly assigned. This situation is between (F20) and me who share a bathroom.
She (F20) sent us a text yesterday informing me and our other roommate she invited two guys who are part of a wedding party to stay the night and she would not be present on that night.
My other roommate goes home every weekend so it is just going to be me alone with two guys I do not know for the night. I said I was uncomfortable and wouldn’t like that arrangement.
She told me it is her room and she pays for it so she can have whoever she wants over.
I said that they would probably at least want to use the restroom so they would in fact be in our shared space so it’s not her call alone. I am uncomfortable with men I do not know or have never even said a word to staying in my space.
She is aware of this and does not care.
We went back and forth for a couple of hours over text and I kept trying to tell her that my discomfort matters and as per the lease I am not forced to have unaccompanied guests in my home that make me uncomfortable.
She does not care. After many pointless messages and hours, I said if she tells them to come I will ask them to leave or have them escorted out and she blew up at me. I’m going to the rent office to talk to the apartment about it and she will not even compromise.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, and her concept of “she pays for the room so she can have who she wants there” is not how shared accommodations work. Unless they magically beam in and out of her bedroom with a Star Trek-like transporter, her guests would be in the apartment’s shared spaces, possibly including the bathroom.
She does not have a right to invite strangers into your SHARED HOME while she is not present. That’s absolutely ludicrous. She is being fundamentally disrespectful of the fact that she is making her roommates vulnerable in their home, in their privacy, to complete strangers.
You’re not running a hotel, and she doesn’t get to lend it out to people at her whim.” FoolMe1nceShameOnU
Another User Comments:
“The lease says you should not be forced to have guests without your roommate present. Heck even if the lease did not say that, your roommate is risking your safety, your other roommate’s safety, and that of your belongings.
You and your roommate need to have a face-to-face meeting (not text) and discuss this. Perhaps involve the apartment office since it is breaking the terms of the lease. If guests are present the roommate needs to be present as well. Period, end of story.
If she can’t do this she needs to move out and get her own apartment. NTJ.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She’s brushing off your very legitimate fear of being harmed by strange men in your own home! Screw her!! This isn’t a free Airbnb she’s running.
If she gives away her keys to people who don’t have their names in the contract – and without your permission – she should be kicked out. The dudes should have funds to share a bedroom at a hostel or they need to work on their CV instead of going to weddings.
Don’t let this pick-me gaslight you. Also, after the wedding, the dudes might be less mindful of boundaries or bring some stranger with them into the room that you also don’t know. It would be a total mess.” heleninthealps
19. AITJ For Asking My Partner To Pay For Her Share Of Food And Expenses?
“My partner and I have been seeing each other for 2 months. My partner (23) works a full-time job and lives at home with her mom (in other words, no lack of funds).
I’m (25) a student with a part-time job and a relatively expensive apartment (in other words, a pretty slim budget).
Problem: since I am the one with a private apartment we spend most of our time together here, and it is then natural that she eats my food.
I have no problem with cooking a little bit extra since most of the food I cook is delicious but cheap. I also regularly drive her around since she doesn’t have a car (or license). The other night I hosted a dinner party with some friends and made pizza along with wine for the guests.
The next day when I asked everyone to pay for their share, my partner was the only one to object. She said that it wasn’t fitting to ask money of a partner, and was extra upset that I hadn’t informed her previously.
I got mad since I don’t want to pay for company, even if it is gifts, and I feel non-appreciated since I regularly cook for her and drive her around without asking for compensation.
So, am I the jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“Fellow studying Swede here. That girl needs a reality check, I would never go to another student regularly – that I do not cook for equally often – and not ask to pay for myself. It does not need to be said, that if a student is hosting the norm here is that invited parties pay for themselves even if the invite did not say so.
I feel so embarrassed if I don’t pay fast enough! Also, to ask a partner to pay for themselves is not rude. Especially if one lives on a loan and the other has a salary. This isn’t the 1950s, and you guys barely know each other after just two months!
Hot tip – set a deal that she is responsible for the food every other time you hang out. It is up to her what she does, be it takeout or cooking at home. But she should cover some food. NTJ.” Nordiclit
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for wanting an equal contribution from your partner. Maybe in this case of a dinner party, you could fund her portion but since she spends a lot of time there, she should contribute to the weekly groceries, snacks, takeout, etc. I do think you need to have a rational convo about expenses so that you don’t feel taken advantage of and so that it doesn’t feel like you’re springing it on her.
If she’s a person who believes you should pay for most things, you two just might not be compatible in the long run. You can love someone and have fun with someone and they just are not the person or partner you are seeking.
It’s how we deal in the hard times and the tough convos that show compatibility.” ajkert
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here/ Obviously people in the comments who are weirded out about asking everyone for their share of the pizza/wine were never part of a close friendship group where people actually cared about whether their friends could afford things like this.
However, I can’t put your partner as a jerk as you hadn’t brought up this expectation to her beforehand. This needs to be addressed immediately. You and your partner need to sit down and discuss the two options. 1) She starts putting in money for groceries and petrol that is used by her/for her since she CAN afford to do so.
2) She eats before coming to yours and is only in your car when you’re driving somewhere that both of you want to go to.” NowWithMoreChocolate
18. AITJ For Wanting To Be Paid For Editing My Husband's Podcast?
“My husband wants to start a podcast for his job. Not a terrible idea, but one he sorely has little experience in.
I have a lot of professional experience filming, recording, and editing as well as the required programs and equipment.
He casually asked about me doing all the recording and editing for his podcast. This is where I may be the jerk, I kind of blew up on him for not understanding what he is asking.
I am a stay-at-home mom with two toddlers and it’s a lot. He always has a honey do list for me that never seems to get shorter and I understand that I am expected to do more housework since I stay at home, but I just had it with asking me to do all these extras unrelated to the household.
I told him that I would for $50 an episode, which is a deal if he were to go with someone else. He said that was ridiculous because if it brought extra money to the household, I would benefit. But I’d only benefit from him taking credit for my work.
I told him that I’m happy to help, but I expect my labor to be compensated separately. He thinks it’s stupid to pay me since it would likely come through our own joint account. I think if he really wants to do it, he should get the funds through an expense to his business.
If he were to hire someone else, that’s what he’d have to do, so why shouldn’t I be paid for the same job?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But I’m wondering if there’s a compromise in there somewhere. Like you do the editing and stuff, in exchange for a) credit in every podcast that you do for all the work that you did and b) he does more of the childcare/housework to free up your time wheels you are working.
Getting your name in the credits might help when you are in a position to job hunt again. And his taking over with the kids and some of the housework acknowledges that you are working at a job, just not a standard 9-5 job. You get a break from the constant housework and childcare, and he gets more bonding time with the children and gets to learn how much fun it is to do housework with small children helping at every step of the way.
And if the podcast becomes successful, any profits are split equally.” krankykitty
Another User Comments:
“I am against the grain here completely… ESH. Your husband sounds like he asks a lot while not making you feel appreciated and valued. That he has a constant list for you seems overbearing.
He’s a jerk. I don’t blame you for not wanting to do more for him. Regarding yourself – you say in the comments he puts all of his money into an account you can access. Yet you would do something else with this money. So his money is yours too but your money is only yours to do with as you see fit?
Not fair. If it was about getting credit on the podcast you could have just asked for that and not money. If it is that you feel overwhelmed and don’t have time, tell him that. It seems like this is another instance of a deeper issue in the relationship that you both need to work on.” Tanjential_wons
Another User Comments:
“NTJ… conditionally. Conditioned on what your role would ultimately be. If it were something that you two did together, where you are actively involved in the episodes themselves, then YTJ a bit. BUT this sounds more like he wants to do the podcast for his work which they should be covering.
So this falls more on the NTJ side. You work hard already without monetary compensation as a stay-at-home mother and this would be one more thing on top of that. You should be fairly compensated for the work over and above the already agreed-upon duties.
On another note, he should also be helping with that honey do list when you are already overburdened it seems.” Reddit User
17. AITJ For Gifting My Friend Thrifted Baby Clothes?
“I (21f) just found out that my friend (20f) is having a baby. Even though we are both in college and the timing isn’t great, I was super excited for her. I am not a parent yet but I want to be someday and I love the idea of thrifting baby clothes.
I’ve even started a small collection of thrifted and vintage baby clothes for my future kids. Not only because of the price but also because it is much more sustainable for the environment. I used to have a job at a kid’s consignment shop and even though that’s technically still second-hand, the clothing we bought was always nicer, name-brand clothing that didn’t have much wear and tear.
It’s a really great place to buy and sell kids’ clothes since they grow out of them so fast.
When she found out she was having a girl I started shopping immediately at the consignment shop. I picked out some super cute name-brand items and asked her to lunch to give her them.
When she looked at the clothes she didn’t say much other than thank you and that she appreciated it and we went about our lunch. Later she texted me saying that it was kind of “gross” that I had bought her used baby clothes and that she wouldn’t be using them for her daughter.
I apologized and explained my reasoning and asked why she thought it was gross if she could wash all of the clothes. She said that she just didn’t feel right putting her baby in used clothes. I assured her that most of the clothing had probably only been worn once or twice by a literal baby but she just said “it’s still used.”
We haven’t spoken in a few days and part of me is worried that I may have really offended her. The other part of me kinda wants to ask for the clothes back for my future kids’ stash lol. I’m wondering how other parents or expecting parents feel about thrifted kids’ clothes being gifted to them.
Also to add, I thought she wouldn’t mind because she’s not wealthy or bougie at all and has been thrifting with me a couple of times. Am I the jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and she’s going to get quite the wake-up call – by the time that baby reaches a year old she’ll be glad of secondhand clothes gifts.
I’m probably different to some because I’d had so many miscarriages I didn’t buy anything for my baby until I was 29 weeks pregnant and realised that it was really happening and I needed to get a shift on. I was given a load of hand-me-downs by family that I was grateful for, and the occasional new item that was specially bought for him by my mum, but it all got used. Whatever the baby wears stands a good chance of getting one of a number of bodily fluids on it, so what’s the point in being so precious?
You did good, and your friend should be grateful to have such a sweet friend.” QueenGuinevereKitten
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your friend is in for a rude awakening if she continues to insist on using only new clothing for her child. That stuff is expensive!
She’ll also be missing out on one of the best things about “the village”: participating with other parents in supportive events like huge clothing swaps and thrift events, which can save parents thousands of dollars in the effort to clothe their growing kids. One of the best things I received when my 2nd child was born was a huge care box from one of my old high school friends.
Inside was a plethora of gently used baby items and clothing she had used with her last child, including many things that I would never have even considered using if I had had to purchase them new. A couple of years later, I boxed up a huge package and shipped it to Texas for a single mom who was a friend of a friend.
This is what moms do, they support other moms.” puppyfarts99
Another User Comments:
“NTJ: You had the right reasoning. I washed and gave away my newborn clothes to my SIL and she gave the clothing my nephew outgrew to her sister. In fact, purchasing brand-name clothing from eBay or whatnot is common as long as the clothes aren’t soiled or anything.
At most, the newborn will be in it for three months. In defense of your friend though, motherhood brings on something called “nesting.” We also tend to get a little paranoid about things like boiling bottles (we don’t really need to), using a bottle heater instead of a microwave which is faster, and making sure that every little thing is decontaminated for the new baby.
So just know that you aren’t wrong, but your friend may also not be wrong here either. You did a very thoughtful thing.” GlumpsAlot
16. AITJ For Buying A House Without My Parents' Approval?
“My parents are very rich. They gave me a trust fund and I had to ask them to do anything with the money.
Six years ago I used my trust fund to buy a house with their approval. I sold it last year and made a profit. The proceeds of the house sale were no longer under the control of my trust. I felt this would be a great way for me and my husband to establish boundaries, and for me to improve my strained relationship with them.
I (33f) and my husband (33m) have now moved to a new state where we have been looking at properties for over a year. I got a great job with a company that is stable and well-regarded. This week we found the perfect house. My parents were on a cruise and I couldn’t get hold of them until this AM.
They said I don’t have any respect for them and the fact is it’s their money that made the purchase possible, that we probably made a terrible decision and bought a money pit and, then: that my husband is a gold digger. I hung up on them to avoid saying something unforgivable.
I paid off his student loans because, with my trust fund, I could afford to, it put us in a better place to save for retirement and emergencies. My parents approved the transaction!
They seem to think that giving me money buys them a controlling share in how my husband and I live our lives.
I don’t know how to move forward with them. My sister said I should apologize, but I think they should. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your parents are 100% using money to control you. Tell them to take the money and do what they please….
If they want to give it to you as a gift and release the trust then fine but other than that prove to them you don’t need it (easier said than done I’m sure). Good for you for paying your husband’s student loans ..
it will only help the two of you in the future. My husband has paid off my credit card debt and I feel terrible about it lol I would’ve felt much better if it was student loans he was paying off!” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“Totally NTJ. It sounds like they’ve made themselves the settlor/grantor (the person who puts in the money), themselves the trustee (the person who controls the money), and you the beneficiary (the person the money is used for). In which case, what is in the trust is legally still their money as the trustee is the owner.
The money converts to your ownership when they make a disbursement from the trust to you. Unless they purchased the house as part of the trust, once they made the disbursement, it is no longer in the trust and the house is yours. Since you said you sold the house, we can assume they didn’t buy it in the trust, so when you sell it all the proceeds are yours.
As far as paying your husband’s debts, you don’t say how long you’ve been with your husband or what he does, so it is hard to say whether it was a smart move or not. If you’re in a long-term stable relationship, it probably makes sense to pay them off, and if it makes both of your situations better overall it is the right thing to do.
I paid my wife’s student loans off after we were married for a year because we were planning to have kids and have her be a SAHM to raise them. I had the cash available and it was better to reduce our debt than have the monthly payment.
Depending on how and when the trust was set up, you may be able to legally contest the terms of the trust to break it and have all the money given directly to you.” Reddit User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ your parents are being controlling and what they said is way out of line.
You have every right to use that money to buy a new home for you and your husband to live in. I think it’s really weird and telling that you felt you needed to get in touch with them to inform them you were buying a new house….it came across like even though you know you don’t need their permission you still felt as though you had to run it by them.
I hope you guys get the house you want and your parents learn to respect you and your relationship.” Potential_Mirror1511
15. AITJ For Refusing To Cook For My Younger Brother?
“I (15f) have always had a love for cooking. It’s not something I’m exceptionally good at or would choose as a career, but I do enjoy doing it. My brother (11m), however, does not. He hates cooking and only knows how to heat up a cup of Mac and cheese or ramen.
Only a few months ago did he learn to heat up leftovers. I find it bad that he’s this incompetent in the kitchen, but my mother doesn’t seem to care as she cooks most nights. She’s been a single mom with both of us since 2018, and with me being 4 years older than my brother, I’m closer to her than he is since I will also sit in the kitchen while she cooks or help her.
Tonight she went out with our aunt to a bingo game so my brother and I were left to our own devices for dinner. I decided to heat up some mashed potatoes we had left over and ate them out of the black microwave steamer cup I heated it up in.
My brother saw me finish eating and complained about me using it because he was going to eat mashed potatoes. I reminded him we have plenty of microwaveable safe bowls he can use and also offered to wash one for him if it really meant that much to him.
He retaliated by saying “since you ate out of that, you can make me a grilled cheese”, and I said no, because that does not relate at all. I told him he could do it himself, and when he said he doesn’t know how, I told him he could find a YouTube tutorial or I could write the instructions down for him.
He got mad and stormed off, saying he won’t eat anything at all then.
I called our mother and told her, to which she asked if I could just make him a grilled cheese. I told her he needs to learn how to do it himself because his incompetence in the kitchen is concerning.
She said maybe I could help him, but it was either I did the work alone or he didn’t eat. When I told her that, she said that I could either make him one or wait until she gets home. I said okay and we hung up.
I don’t think I’m the jerk but I’m not really sure.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for goodness sake he’s a spoiled brat. If he can make ramen he’s perfectly capable of heating up something in the microwave. Also, he was in no fear of dying by having to wait another hour for a grilled cheese.
Your mother is enabling this behavior. Time for you to take a deep breath and remind yourself that this is not your circus or your monkeys. I was gonna give you crap for bugging your mom but you were just watching your back because, obviously, you’ve gotten in trouble before for not also enabling your little brother.
Deep breaths sis, he’s not yours to parent no matter how infuriating it may be.” tarahlynn
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, my mom was just like this and now my brother is 17 and won’t do anything himself. He didn’t even use the microwave himself till he was 13.
He will literally be hungry for hours and complain about it to make someone else make him something. He won’t do any of his laundry for over a week and will complain about not having clothes for sports practice. Since I’ve left for college none of the chores that I used to “share” with my brother (aka do myself when my mom would get upset things weren’t done) are done anymore.
I’ll come home to visit and the bathroom on our side of the house won’t have been cleaned for weeks. Your brother needs to slowly learn things starting now, lest he end up like mine.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Here’s a reply whenever he says he hates cooking: “I hate (chore) but I do it anyway because I am well aware there will come a time that I HAVE to do (chore) with no one to help me.
There’s going to come a time when you won’t have anyone to help you with food, so now is the time to learn to at least be able to make simple things.” One time won’t do it. You’ll have to say it over and over.
Say it where mom can hear sometimes. Unfortunately, you’re dealing with a spoiled brat (thanks Mom) who is definitely at the age where everything has to be an argument and pushback. You and your mom need to get on the same page and start making it clear that your brother CANNOT demand that others do everything for him, and (regarding food) if he doesn’t want the options available tough luck because only the options given are the options he can pick from.” ToriBethATX
14. AITJ For Not Wanting A Baby Shower While On Bed Rest?
“I’m currently pregnant with my first child and have been told by my doctor that I need to be on bed rest and an early delivery the moment I’m able due to having placenta previa. All in all, I’m miserable and scared, my MIL and SIL got it into their heads that a baby shower would cheer me up and began to plan one telling me they’d have it around the bed so I don’t need to move around a lot and I can just rest the entire time.
I don’t want this, I just want to be left alone and not bothered by anyone but my mum when she visits and my husband. I got a bit snappish and told them I didn’t want a baby shower and I certainly didn’t want them all around my bed holding a party and that I didn’t feel like celebrating at all.
They got upset and told me they were just trying to keep my spirits high and cheer me up and even tried to convince my husband this was exactly what I needed.
When they left he tried to tell me that they didn’t mean anything badly and that he’d support whatever choice I made but maybe this could be good for me as he hated to see me cooped up so much.
I know they mean well and are trying to be nice but I really don’t feel like a party, I know everyone is so worried about the baby and they’re trying to focus on something positive and happy right now and I should probably just cave and give them this to have something to focus on but the idea of sitting through a party like that when I have no idea how this pregnancy will go makes me want to cry.
Should I just give them this?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. In what world does their desire to cheer you up trump your desire to not be stressed out while on bed rest, OP? You shouldn’t even be pressured to “cave.” A baby shower is just an excuse to have a little celebratory party for a soon-to-be new parent while the people who love them give them gifts to help provide the things a baby needs.
They can still give you gifts OP. Try focusing them on planning a sip and see once the baby arrives and it’s safe to have the little one around a group of people.” ArmNo8807
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Even if their intentions are to cheer you up, you have made it clear that this is not what you want.
You do not have to cave and have a bunch of people hovering around you while you’re in bed. That sounds so overwhelming. Be clear and have your husband be the mediator if needed. Tell them that you appreciate their attention and care, and offer other ways that they can show support without making you uncomfortable.
It sounds like they’re nervous and want to feel like they’re doing something. Wishing you a safe delivery.” someguyinparis
Another User Comments:
“No way, absolutely not. If they want to help they should help in a way that you actually want. It’s not help if it’s unwanted, and it’s certainly not help if it requires you to suck it up and ‘give’ to them.
Sometimes the best way to help someone is by leaving them alone and making sure other people leave them alone e.g. by shielding them from questions and well-meaning but annoying questions from others. Your husband needs to have a stern talk with them along the lines of ‘if you really want to help, you need to respect what OP says and help in the ways she wants it.
She is the best judge of what is good for her.’ There are a million things they could do to help/support you without taking up your energy. NTJ.” Sweet_pea_girl
13. AITJ For Calling My Rude Stepsister A Witch?
“In March, my dad married this incredible woman. I’m happy, he’s happy, she’s awesome. She has 2 daughters, one is 15 (my age) and the other one is 17.
The one that’s my age she’s great, we’ve got the brother-sister thing down. She’s fun and cool. The older one is a different story. When I was around her when our parents were seeing each other/engaged, she wouldn’t talk to me, other than a half-hearted “Hi” from which she didn’t bother to look up from her phone.
But now they’re married and we live together and, at this point, I’d take a silent treatment. She’ll come into my room, open my fridge, and take soda or if I have snacks, she takes my phone charger without asking, comes in, and takes pens from my room.
A few days ago, I was in the TV area, she comes in, takes the remote, changes the channel, and tells me I need to leave. I asked why, she said she didn’t want me around. I wasn’t going to hang around that energy so I got up to leave, but, asked her when she was going to stop being a jerk all the time?
She did that thing where you clearly heard what the person said but you ask them what they said, and so I asked her again when she was going to stop being a witch.
Of course, once the parents heard about this, it was more about me using “offensive” language and less about her just ordering me around.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Try to get a lock for your room. It sounds like she may be upset that your parents got married, and she may have a fantasy of her parents getting back together and she sees you as just an intrusion in her life because of that.
Have a discussion with your parents about all of this and even show them this thread. You could print it out or something and show it to them so that they can read it and read all of the responses received. So she’s trying to maintain control of her life as much as she can.
And that includes bossing everyone else around so that she feels in control. And you happen to be the person that she has picked. To try to make herself feel better. Because of all of these changes in her life she feels like she has no control over.
Good luck and try to be polite to her. I know it’s hard, but you can choose to be the better person than she is.” Walk1000Miles
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, in my opinion, unless there are more unmentioned incidents. No, I don’t think you’re the jerk at all.
She is clearly acting this way in full awareness of how it makes you feel. HOWEVER, there is likely a reason she’s acting this way. I don’t believe she’s acting this way because of you. More likely she’s taking it out on you because she’s unable to take out her frustration on whomever or whatever is frustrating her.
Have they moved into your home, vice versa, or a new home for both halves of the family? It could be a reaction to being uprooted or just struggling to adjust to having new family members she’s not comfortable with or feeling uprooted and lonely.
There are a few options, possibly try being patient, she may get better the more relaxed she gets with the situation. Maybe reach out an olive branch with a welcoming gesture rather than avoiding her, like asking if she wants to watch a movie or just grab her a drink to show you’re a person she doesn’t have to push away all the time.” wasnt_there_man
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I would never permit anyone in my home regardless of their relationship to me or anyone under my roof or even a guest to treat a member of my house and family like that. Your stepmom and dad need to get their head out of the clouds and see that her older daughter needs some help learning basic courtesy and may need a kick in the pants.
Feel free to tell them another mom said they are not being very good parents at all.” ianmoon85
12. AITJ For Uninviting My Sister From My Wedding After She Unexpectedly Added A Plus One?
“I (33f) uninvited my sister (33f) to my wedding. I have been planning my wedding and collecting email addresses for invitations.
When my sister RSVP’d, she added a note that said “Sarah and Dame.” I don’t know who Dame is and I didn’t know she was seeing someone. I texted her and asked who he was and she said he was her fiancé.
I told her that we will see how RSVPs go and see if a spot opens because I didn’t have her with a plus 1… but in the meantime, we should maybe have dinner to get to know each other.
She responded with laughing emojis and said that I don’t even try to get to know her but I want to get to know her fiancé and that I need to put more effort into spending time with her and I should have reached out to her in the past. Things got heated after I reminded her that when I reach out she is dismissive and short, and told her that my wedding day is reserved for close family and friends.
I reminded her that I invited her to my house for gatherings over the recent years and I don’t even know where she lives and I’ve never been invited to anything from her. She responded with a long message about how I need to learn to talk to her and that she wasn’t going to let me disturb her peace and that her fiancé is her family.
I told her not to come.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your wedding, your decision on +1s, and you tried when you told sis you’d keep her posted on the rest of the RSVPs… very likely that would have worked. As to the rest, relationships are 2-way streets.
If she’s belittling you about putting in more effort to spend time with her, when that’s literally what you asked to do with this dinner, that’s her problem. She can reach out too. Her fiancé being there or not is kind of irrelevant if she’s sooo interested in you “putting more effort into spending time with her”… if he’s “family,” getting to know him will also mean getting to know her.
Your wedding, your choices. Don’t let sis ruin anything on your special day, and congrats on your upcoming wedding OP!” SisterAlliance
Another User Comments:
“Everyone’s being a jerk here. Generally, I am team +1s for weddings. I think it’s trashy to not allow people to have someone with them at a wedding.
There are very few instances where I would see a reason not to offer one. Space is not a good reason. Either you invite them and another person or you don’t. They can choose not to bring one. HOWEVER, I also dislike when people invite others to not their own wedding and it seems like you’re not really that close.
I don’t see a scenario where either of you looks good at this point.” AndroSpark658
Another User Comments:
“Mostly YTJ. I’m not a fan of not allowing plus 1s, especially for immediate family. She’s your sister and you invited her. She RSVP’d letting you know that she would be bringing a date.
I feel like that should have been the end of the story and she could have attended your wedding with her date and no drama. By making a big deal about it you stirred up all the subsequent drama and hurtful comments. That stuff can’t be unsaid, so I get why you feel like you don’t want her there now, but you bear some responsibility for how things went down.” Used_Mark_7911
11. AITJ For Declining To Attend My Brother's Third Vow Renewal?
“My brother “David” and his wife “Rachel” got married in 2013. It was a destination wedding in Dublin. I was a bridesmaid in Rachel’s wedding party. They have done 2 vow renewals, one in 2016 (Punta Cana) and one in 2019 (Orlando). I was also a bridesmaid for both of those.
I’ve been told they are planning another vow renewal for later this year. It’s domestic but it is all the way on the west coast in Vancouver. They want me to be a bridesmaid again.
Would I be the jerk if I declined to go?
Maybe if the vow renewal was here in Halifax it would be a different story but I really don’t want to go all the way across the country just for the vow renewal. When they do them they go all out like it’s a wedding.
Honestly, I don’t want to pay for another bridesmaid dress, gift, plane ticket, and hotel just for this. They already had a wedding and 2 vow renewals. It’s not like this is something new.
I don’t care if they want to spend their time and money doing vow renewals constantly and all over the world.
That is none of my business. But I don’t want to go through all the hassle of being a bridesmaid and traveling 6000 km again. Even if it is not in another country. I know David, Rachel, and my parents as well will likely not be happy because they know I could afford to and could easily get the time off to go.
I am just tired thinking about it. Would I be the jerk if I declined to go even if it means upsetting my brother?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Halifax to Vancouver is a looooong flight, and expensive, and with Air Canada canceling flights willy-nilly (especially the less profitable flights from the Maritimes), it might be a nightmare to actually get you there.
You were there for the wedding, and vow renewals. You’ve been very supportive all along, and you’re just tired. Getting ready for a wedding (and attending) is a lot of work. They should understand that while you might have the money and could get time off work, you may not have the energy or the time to give.
You have your own life, and other things that need to get done, and you need some time to relax.” GreatCDNSeagull
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and I need a nap after reading this. Vacation with the friends who were in your wedding – cool, if the timing lines up.
A vow renewal after five (but realistically ten) years – awesome. But several do-over ceremonies (because that’s what these are) to get a different regional flavor or to force people to basically fund the food and entertainment on your vacations stretches into the ridiculous.
I’m guessing that they still want dinners and drinks paid for, as part of their “journey.” It’s a money grab and a way to still be the center of attention. And you are in no way expected to continue to be a background player in this constant spectacle.
Their gender reveal would go on for months before the baby.” evilshenanigan
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I thought vow renewals were supposed to be a special thing, but didn’t happen so soon, or frequently. Not only that but if I were doing vow renewals with my spouse, the last thing I would expect is more gifts from people, that seems ridiculous.
I agree with other commenters – save your money and sit this one out. A third vow renewal in under a decade is way overboard. They can do them, and congrats on wanting to celebrate their love, but they need to understand not everyone can drop everything to go to their party.” mymycojourney
10. AITJ For Speaking My Native Language In Public?
“My friend John and I are bilingual (same native tongue), which our friend Leah doesn’t speak.
We all live in the US.
The three of us were at a restaurant yesterday when John and I began to randomly sing in our native tongue while ribbing each other. Before we got too into it, I stopped and asked Leah if she was uncomfortable with us speaking another language around her and told her what we were saying (nothing to do with her).
Leah said she was fine with it and we went about our meal. In the midst of our guffaws, we were stopped by this one lady at the next table. She immediately tore into us about how it’s rude to speak another language in public and that if we didn’t have anything nice to say we didn’t have to say it.
I tried to explain that we were just talking amongst ourselves and weren’t talking about her. I can definitely understand how she would have thought we were talking about her so I wasn’t going to bash a likely anxious person acting out on their own insecurities.
She wouldn’t let it go though. She kept persisting that we were talking about her and it was a whole back and forth until management handled the situation and made her leave. I can’t help but wonder though. Did I make a faux pas on some unwritten social etiquette rules about speaking other languages around people who don’t speak them?”
Another User Comments:
“Ummmm… so let me get this straight. The friend you were actually sitting with had zero problem, but some random lady did? NTJ. You were kind enough to make sure your friend sitting with you wasn’t uncomfortable and that is more than enough.
You shouldn’t have to never speak your native tongue just because others are around. That’s just awful and honestly kinda racist. America is a country where so many walks of life now live and people who don’t accept that are just disgusting in my opinion.
Next time just ignore her op. She’s ignorant, not anxious. NTJ.” sferg87
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This woman was racist and the jerk. Some people seem to think if someone is speaking another language they must be gossiping, being mean, or talking about them.
Cause I doubt you sat there pointing at her, laughing at her, and speaking your native tongue. That would justify her being mad, but clearly, that didn’t happen. These people weirdly get uncomfortable and intimidated by someone speaking another language around them. It has nothing to do with you.
Keep speaking your language.” Pineapple_Wagon
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, the demographic of people that care if someone is speaking a language other than English in the US is not a demographic of people I’d take etiquette lessons from. It would have been rude if you continued to do it and Leah had said yes it bothered her/she felt excluded because Leah was with you in the group.
But that random lady was likely not only being xenophobic, but it doesn’t matter she wasn’t in the conversation so she has no entitlement to know what was being said. Next time someone does that to you tell them they’re free to learn the language and that it’s rude to eavesdrop on conversations.” AggravatingBread6
9. AITJ For Not Eating The Wedding Meal Due To My Picky Eating Habits?
“A friend (f34) of mine (f22) who I’ve known for 3 years got married last week. She sent out the invites and the menu option card ages ago. The issue is I am a very picky eater, I always have been, I really only eat a select few foods (pasta, rice, etc).
I have some weird sensory issues with some foods and some just make me throw up (such as meat). Whenever I go to restaurants I’ll always order plain pasta or chips and nuggets if they have them. On the menu was a chicken meal, a beef meal, and duck meal, and a vegetarian option.
None of these was something I could eat so I asked her if the kids who would be attending are having a more child-friendly menu to see if I could order from that but they had the same options for the kids. I decided to tell her that I’m a picky eater and wouldn’t really be able to eat any of the meals so maybe she could skip me and save a little money.
She was understanding about it and didn’t say anything else so I thought it was all good.
Fast forward to the wedding day and it’s great everything goes according to plan until the dinner. I thought that they would have a bunch of separated numbered tables but instead, they had a bunch of tables pushed together to make one massive table for everyone to sit at.
This did make me nervous because I thought it would make it really obvious I wasn’t eating. It did, everyone around me kept questioning it and I could tell my friend, her husband, and their parents were annoyed at me, and my friend made a snarky remark about the whole thing.
I tried to explain to the people asking me about it and I laughed it off but my friend’s MIL made a comment about how they didn’t need charity and it just made the whole dinner uncomfortable.
At the end of the wedding I had family members of the couple giving me weird looks and some aunt even told me to grow up.
I then got caught at McDonald’s after the wedding by the MIL who made a call-out post about me on social media. I do feel really bad about the whole situation but I think it was blown a bit out of proportion and I wish my friend would’ve told me it was a problem beforehand.
I would’ve taken the plate and just not eaten it. Everyone (parents) is expecting an apology (which I have given to the bride and groom) but they continue to make rude posts on social media in the wedding group. Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for not eating but if the MIL’s comment was “we don’t need your charity,” if you were making a point of saying things like “Save you the money, haha” that can come off as a bit rude. Especially because most places require you to pay per person no matter what…it’s still a seat.
I’m sure the meat dishes came with sides, couldn’t you just ask the host if you could get a plate with just the sides? At my wedding, someone asked me if they could just get a plate of unseasoned veggies for dinner….so I asked the caterer and got it.” Usrname52
Another User Comments:
“I guess I’ve always been a little “eye roll” toward people who only eat “chicky nuggies”- it feels very childish and as though at some point you chose to remain so picky as a personality trait, but I’m not you and it’s your life.
Nothing about what you did was unreasonable though. Why would they want you to order a plate of food that would then go to waste? Even if it wasn’t about finances just the environmental impact of wasting is sad. They were rude to you and that’s not acceptable as a guest. Just good for thought though, you’re willing to eat McDonald’s, which has so many lawsuits against them about whether their products are legitimately food, you should give other foods a shot with some therapy on this.
The aversions you never outgrew are affecting your life it seems. NTJ.” dirtyfrank12292
Another User Comments:
“INFO: How were you trying to “laugh off” the comments and questions of others? You say that your friend’s mom said they didn’t need charity. By chance was one of your jokes about the family saving money because of you not eating a meal?
If so, and without the larger focus on your sensory challenges, that kind of comment can cast a bad light on your friend and their families. I also wonder what snarky remark your friend made and why everyone kept questioning/looking if you simply explained that you have sensory issues that limit/hinder your ability to eat a variety of foods.
By chance, was there more to your statements or behavior that would keep attention on you? Regardless, the parents who are trying to shame you are being jerks. Your friend was also a bit of a jerk as she could’ve shut it down (“OP let me know she couldn’t join in the meal, but I’m happy she could join us to celebrate!”)—assuming you didn’t make a joke or comment at her/their families’ expense.
Without more info, I can’t judge whether you are also a jerk.” Fresh_Process6822
8. AITJ For Not Letting My Son Go On Vacation With My Ex And His Mean Fiancée?
“It’s the birthday of my ex’s fiancée next month and she’s planning a huge birthday vacation. She asked me if my son could go with them and I told her no. In the beginning, she made it seem like she really wanted him to be there because she wanted to bond with her future stepson since the wedding is soon.
However, it came out later she was only inviting him because my ex told her he couldn’t go because he wanted to spend time with our son as our son recently asked him directly if he didn’t love him because he wasn’t around a lot.
The reason I said no is because my son has repeatedly told me she’s mean. She’s yelled at his nanny in front of him, making her cry, which really upset him. She has yelled at him when he asked her to play multiple times.
She tried to force him to eat food he hated to the point he started crying and my ex had to intervene and ask her what the heck she was doing, etc. I don’t want my son in a foreign country with her, even if my ex and some of his family will be there too.
At first when I said no, she tried to convince me to change my mind. As that hasn’t worked, now she’s calling me names and saying I’m jealous of her relationship with my ex which is why I want to ruin her birthday.
She also said I want to ruin my ex’s relationship with our son which isn’t true. My ex did ask me to reconsider too but I told him no as well. At first, he got angry at me but yesterday he told me he was sorry and just “stressed.” I’m not sure if he was being genuine, though, or just changing tactics.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. However, I am curious about your custody situation. If you have full custody, they can’t do anything about it. No means no. If you share custody, you may want to check the details of your agreement. Most custody situations in my state, if shared 50/50, don’t require permission to go on a vacation unless the child is removed from the country.
If the vacation is out of state, they typically have to notify you and provide an itinerary so that the parent has a general idea of their child’s whereabouts and a means to reach the child in an emergency. My ex is a control freak, so he insisted we have a clause that states we have to notify each other before leaving our tri-county area; which is not typical and is viewed by many courts as more restrictive than necessary.
If you have a custody agreement with shared custody, review it with a fine-toothed comb. If you have full custody, then congrats, and you are not only doing the right thing but you are well within your rights.” Eclipsed1983
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have legitimate concerns.
I would suggest talking about them with a) your son and b) your ex. Your son because he should have a say in the situation. If he is already feeling like his dad doesn’t love him because they don’t see each other much, you preventing him from going might hurt your son’s relationship with both his father and you (if he feels like you are the reason they don’t see each other).
You should also address the concerns with your ex because this isn’t going to be a 1 time thing. If she’s joining the family, there will be lots of other trips and vacations, so unless you lay it out there now you will be having this conversation every time.
Explain your concerns and work out a way she can show you and your son that it will be ok so that someday he can go. If she can’t control her behavior, you will have concrete examples of what you will agree to, and how she did not keep it.” dave7243
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – it’s up to you to protect your child and put their best interests first. I get his dad will be there but I doubt he will give undivided attention to his son. It’s a vacation to celebrate someone else, other family is there (hers too I assume) and it’s just not feasible to do it.
Plus it sounds like all those concerning incidents happened while he was around too, so how much protection does he actually provide? If he asks again, tell him specifically what your concerns are and why it’s a no. Compromise by saying you’ll let him have extra time when he comes back if he’d like to have one-on-one time with his son.
If anyone tries to take her side, tell them your reasons too, and that keeping your son home shouldn’t have any effect on her celebration. In fact, it should help since it takes the time and responsibility of watching a child away. Letting her and your ex have quality time alone.
…which is the opposite of what you’d want if you were jealous…” Tasty-Biscotti355
7. AITJ For Publicly Exposing My Doctor Brothers' Dependence On Their Spouses?
“I (25M) come from a family of doctors.
My mom is a cardiologist (66F), my dad is a neurosurgeon (67M), my older brother (38M) is a pediatric surgeon and my younger brother (36M) is a pulmonologist. My extended family also has a lot of MDs. I am the only one who did not go to the medicine so my family other than my mom and dad sees me as a failure and they mostly ignore me.
My parents are also upset with our extended family for this but at this point, I don’t care. The only fact that bothers me is my brothers see me as a huge disgrace and I still feel down about it but I am in therapy and I am slowly overcoming it.
When I go to an event and say my surname, all of the people talk about my brothers. “Your older brother did this, your younger brother saved XX’s life, they just got a new car, etc.” I am mostly “Oh, you are a music teacher,” and they continue to talk about them.
But there is a small thing, if my brothers didn’t have their spouses (older one is gay), they would be in a mess. I know their spouses are the ones telling them to eat or go to sleep. They would be miserable without them.
Then the word came to me and they started to ask when I was thinking of getting married or starting to have a job that earns “enough” (I still live with my parents but our house is huge, and I have my own entrance and I never plan to move out because I am asexual and I am not interested in marriage).
I said, “At least I can look after myself and I don’t need to be constantly reminded to eat or sleep.” They looked confused and I said both of them never ironed their clothes or cooked food in their life. They started to laugh and asked for more.
I was tipsy at that moment and I told them everything from how they don’t do any housework, how their spouses manage the finances and single-handedly raise their kids to every function they refuse because they feel superior to others and said they don’t have a life outside the hospital. It is a small town and word goes around really fast.
My extended family is upset because they think I humiliated them and my brothers are mocked endlessly at their workplace so my parents think I might have gone too far. So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone’s a jerk here. If you are also dependent on your parents and never intend to be independent either, then they have failed to raise any of you into competent adults; and you don’t get to criticise your brothers for that without any comeback when you have the exact same defect yourself.
Your humiliation of them was real and was also justified given the way they treat you, but it was hypocritical of you to use that as an attempt to shame them for not being able to run their own households alone when you yourself can’t manage your own household financially and have no intention of trying to either.
You need to learn to handle their bullying without joining in with it, especially if the way you join in is to criticise them for being dependent on others which is something you yourself have also made a conscious choice to do. You might not be interested in marriage but dependence on a spouse and dependence on your parents are not the only options here.” redcore4
Another User Comments:
“Everyone’s a jerk here. You sound jealous and did what you did out of revenge. They shouldn’t be mean. I’m a doctor and before medical school, I’d never known a doctor personally growing up. I don’t judge anyone for not being one.
I often wish I wasn’t one (poor pay, long hours). Also being a doctor isn’t an excuse for all the stuff you mentioned? Why can’t they cook/clean etc? Bit odd. Or do you mean they don’t, rather than can’t?
Because if their partners work fewer hours of course it’s their partners that should be doing this, not them. That’s the basics of a relationship.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“Everyone’s a jerk here. Being in the medical profession is challenging and all-consuming. Yup, their partners probably have to do all of the child-rearing and home management…it’s tough really.
If it’s too much, then they’ll figure out their best options. Sounds like you’re holding onto a lot and have that mental list tucked away at all times to bring your siblings down. It sucks that you feel less than in comparison to them. But, you also mention that it’s easier to live with your parents and perhaps by remaining in that easy place you never got to grow outside and away from that feeling.
Perhaps some distance away from all of the family dynamics may allow you to let some of that go. The same criticisms you have of your siblings may be the same criticism someone has of you for living in your parent’s house. Also, small-town vibes make this more fussy…” LlamaJeanLlama
6. AITJ For Removing My Coworker's Unattended Lunch From The Microwave?
“Today at work, I went to lunch late due to being on the phone with a client.
My lunch break starts at 12 pm and ends at 1 pm. It was unfortunate that the phone call took so long but forget it.
It took 16 minutes of my lunch so I rushed to the break room to heat my lunch up and return to my office to make some personal calls.
In the break room, we have 3 microwaves but one is broken so 2 working microwaves. When I got in there, one of my other coworkers also went to lunch late and was using the microwave. The other microwave only had 1 minute left so I waited. After it ended, I asked the break room whose it was and they all told me that it was “Marcelo”.
Apparently, he went back to his office to grab his drink. His office was on the 5th floor so I took it out and put it on top of the microwave and put my food in.
About 30 seconds later, Marcelo walks in and sees his food out and gets very angry and demands to know who took his food out.
I told him I did and he told me never to touch his stuff again.
I apologized and he said that I couldn’t wait a minute and called me impatient. I got annoyed and told him that we don’t run on his time and that he shouldn’t be an inconsiderate person who expects people to wait on him.
We went back and forth with him calling me an impatient jerk and told me he would be visiting HR.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re right, y’all don’t run on his time. Y’all are sharing a kitchen space, if he can’t be there on time to get his food out someone else will.
Y’all have busy schedules and it’s inconsiderate to leave your cooked food in the microwave when people need to use it. You had no way of knowing when he’d get back. I’m sorry but if I was in that situation, filling my stomach would be more important than waiting on you to retrieve your rubbish TV dinner.” Incae
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I don’t touch other people’s stuff, so I wouldn’t remove it. I’d have waited for the other microwave. It could be in there a week and I’d never use it. This isn’t me being overly courteous. I just don’t like dealing with other people’s stuff.
The dude might have been putting it on, only to put it on again. Maybe to stir or whatever. Frankly, I don’t find it a big deal, what I find is a bigger deal is the overly aggressive behaviour about it. OP even if you get into a dispute, try to avoid it.
It’s okay if someone else is aggressive, tbh it can be in your favour at times like this, but it’s important you are not seen as aggressive. That being said, it doesn’t matter. I don’t find it a jerk move because if it was stopped, it was no longer in use and stopping others from using it.” 3149thon
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. What I’m reading is that you microwaved your lunch after Marcelo’s lunch had finished warming. He had left his lunch unattended. It was your turn to warm your lunch. He then entered the room and he became verbally aggressive. So much so that you felt uncomfortable and apologized and he still kept verbally attacking you.
You then justified your use of the shared facilities as you had a truncated lunch break from your client care. He kept ridiculing calling you an impatient jerk in front of others and threatening HR. I think you should also visit HR about Marcelo. Discuss how he became verbally aggressive when you moved his unattended lunch out of the microwave when it had finished warming.
Discuss that you attempted to diffuse the situation and see things from his viewpoint, but unfortunately, it escalated into intimidation and verbal aggression. It made you feel uncomfortable. You would like an apology and an acknowledgement from Marcelo that his behaviour was inappropriate.” Bringintheclowns1
5. AITJ For Firing My Intern Who Struggles With Anxiety And Poor Performance?
“I work in a tech company and we have interns who come from social programs. I’m the mentor for one of the students.
I was out of the office their first couple weeks and the mentor at the time let me know that multiple daily check-ins were required for this student due to self-disclosed anxiety. During training sessions, the student would often be late or not engage when being asked to take on a given task.
When trainings were over and assigned for individual work, that is when the real trouble began.
The student was not ready for independent work so I provided an extra week of training. The program managers started noticing a lack of metrics/performance from this student compared to others and began to question.
I asked them to prioritize it by the next morning, but it took the student a full 7 days to close one ticket that typically takes 30 mins to 1 hour to resolve. They also never replied to my messages and it was very frustrating trying to get a hold of them.
Then the following weekend the laptop broke, and they were unproductive for 10 days… Upon receiving the laptop on a Thursday, the student still did not do any work on Friday, and Monday auto-assigned tickets became stagnant without action missing SLAs until Tuesday when I realized what was happening.
To make matters worse, the student is completely unresponsive over the instant messaging service that we use to communicate. There can be hours and days without any sort of response, not even a read receipt.
So I reached out to their social program (who is technically their employer) and we came up with an intervention plan for the next 2 weeks.
The student would report in and out every day at 8 am and 5 pm, complete X amount of tickets a day, and have a max of 30 mins to respond to messages. As much as this bothers me, micromanaging was necessary. Folks, we didn’t last 2 days. First day I gave the student the morning to get re-accustomed to everything and they could close tickets in the afternoon at 1 pm.
They let me know their lunch is running late, they’re stuck at Wendy’s and will be late to their shift…. And the following day during the 8 am check-in, they let me know they were too anxious to work therefore they would start at 1 pm instead of 8 am.
They made up their own schedule.
Now, this student is clearly going through a lot of personal challenges, They tell me about family issues and therapy sessions. I too am clinically depressed and have anxiety, so this is really hard for me because I feel their pain and I want to be of help, but there is only so much I can do to make them want to be here.
At this point, I think it is best for their mental health to simply quit the program. But we are a giant global company that is loved (or hated) by many, and this is truly such a waste of a valuable opportunity for this kid.
I wish they could push themselves, but I have to draw the line, and I’ve honestly done all that I can to help to no avail.
Am I the jerk for firing the student?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You followed all the steps and did more than the reasonable amount of intervention and support than most managers would.
I would actually even state that maybe you went too far and should have taken care of it earlier… I would have stopped the employment with the kid after not taking the training seriously. Social programs are nice but you are still running a business.
Some people just don’t make it no matter how much support you give them. That’s just a fact of life.” Rumble73
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – my first thought at the title was you definitely were (and also breaking ADA) but you clearly followed every step necessary to prove that this isn’t discrimination against someone BECAUSE of their anxiety – it’s because they lack work ethic and seem to think the world will bend to them to make them more comfortable, which most definitely is not the case.
I have HIGH anxiety… to the point where sometimes it affects my work as well, but not to this extent. This person needs a different job. You accommodated on your own first, spoke with their social program, and made a better plan, and still this student refused to do what was asked. I think the only way this could have been done better would have been if the student was involved in the plan, but you did the right thing.
They don’t fit the work culture and need to find something else. Plain and simple.” Razzberries91
Another User Comments:
“NTJ with one caveat. You’ve done everything you could be expected to do to help this kid – you’ve been understanding, accommodating, and patient for well over a month, you’ve established reasonable expectations, and you’ve sincerely tried to help them succeed. It hasn’t worked, this student simply isn’t fit for this role, and in any normal situation, you’d be fully justified in firing them.
However. As other commenters have noted, this pattern of behavior really doesn’t seem normal for any employee (seven days to close one ticket?). If this is real, they’re not just slacking off, and their anxiety is bad enough to cause this level of impediment to what sounds like a reasonably undemanding job, it may qualify as a disability.
The anxiety is self-disclosed, but is it medically diagnosed? Make sure you cover your bases here if you haven’t already because you don’t want to a.) unintentionally discriminate against someone with a disability or b.) get slapped with an ADA lawsuit.” Professional_Text_11
4. AITJ For Not Letting My Ex Take Our Youngest Child Abroad For A Wedding?
“My ex took our two children on vacation in February to visit his family and it was a disaster. My youngest is 3 and I wasn’t comfortable letting him go but my ex wouldn’t listen and I didn’t want him to drag me to court again so I had no choice but to send him.
He was already upset I wasn’t there and when they went on a helicopter ride it spooked my youngest so bad he was inconsolable for days and my ex ended up asking me to fly there because he was making himself sick crying for me and it was rubbing off on our oldest too.
Now, my ex wants to take them abroad for his sister’s wedding. I told him he could take our oldest but not our youngest because of what happened last time. He doesn’t like taking no for an answer so he told me I couldn’t stop him from taking his kids anywhere and claims it wouldn’t be fair for him to only take our oldest.
We ended up having an argument and threats about lawyers were made from both sides. His solution was that I could go with them but I said no and now his idiot lawyer is contacting me again. His family has also contacted me to ask me to change my mind, including his sister, who I’m actually friends with and who invited me to her wedding originally.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“INFO does your ex have any sort of plan beyond “call OP to fly out and help” if your son becomes inconsolable again? And if he does have a plan, is there some other reason you wouldn’t want your youngest to go with him?
It’s definitely not okay for him to take the youngest if he’s expecting you to drop everything and fly out to be the parent in the case of another incident. If he wants your kids to do things with him, he needs to be fully responsible for them during that time or send them home, not force you to leave your personal commitments and responsibilities to join him wherever he has them.” author124
Another User Comments:
“A different point of view here – if my ex told me I couldn’t take my child on a trip to my sibling’s wedding, I would be livid. I will not say you are the jerk because I would not want my child to go either, however in divorce, you have to remember that both parties are parents and both people get to make decisions.
I would be heartbroken and completely worried about it too. I don’t think that is enough to stop his dad from taking him. Hopefully, the dad learned last time from what happened and will be able to comfort his child. I am assuming he will have his parents and siblings around who can help.
It all sucks and I completely side with you but in reality, he is a father and has the right to.” piperallyson
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Because you are the one who then has to fix the issue by flying out (I hope he paid for the ticket last time as well as any associated expenses!) so it’s not “just” a trip.
Some kids cannot handle this and trying to force them to suck it up or they will only learn if we force them to do x is unnecessarily cruel. I would also strongly recommend you talk with your lawyer (or get a better one!) about what permissions each parent needs before traveling abroad.
If you are in Canada or the US, in order to get a passport for kids, the parents need to agree and sign off or show a copy of the court order or custody agreement in order to even get a passport. The fact that your ex is saying he’ll do what he wants and that there is nothing you can say is very very concerning and scary.
There is something you can do and you should make sure that you know what your rights are and protect you and your kids.” Canning-mama-1998
3. AITJ For Not Wanting My Epileptic Partner To Join Us At Disneyland?
“My partner was diagnosed with epilepsy a few weeks ago, he has been taking his treatment and is managing to get it under control but for now, I’m wary of doing anything with him that could be reckless and get him into dangerous situations as he could black out any moment.
His best friend just came to the town a few days ago and is inviting me to Disneyland to spend the whole day together, he is inviting both of us actually but anyway, he can’t come because of his condition. He is now mad because he feels like I singled him out.
I told him that it’s dangerous and I don’t wanna keep holding his hand the whole time, and he said that he will not play anything and that he will just come with us and I told him that he still can’t come. He said that it’s his choice and I told him that if he goes then I’m not gonna go and he is now angry that I’m acting “childish” and “manipulative” when the invitation was to him originally.
I’m not being childish, I just want to spend a good time and have fun with his best friend (who is also my friend) whom I haven’t seen in a long time and I’m also looking out for him, epilepsy is not easy at all and I don’t appreciate him gaslighting me into thinking that I’m childish or manipulative when it’s clearly not the case.
I’m just being honest and I don’t want to spend the whole day worrying about him and running into the possibility of an emergency because of an epileptic shock, it would be very anti-climatic. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, it’s totally possible to go to Disneyland and have a good time even with epilepsy (speaking from experience) avoiding any lights that strobe or anything like that obviously.
The fact you were happy to go with his best friend and leave him out of things is weird. If you really cared that much surely you’d have just said no thanks, rather than leaving him at home bored and alone.” Megotchii
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It’s not your place to dictate his life. He and his doctor decide that. You are his partner, not his doctor. Not his mommy. He wants to go. Disney isn’t all about getting to ride everything. It’s soooo much more than the rides and a couple of shows.
Telling him no, you can’t because you’re disabled is cruel. People with much worse and more serious ailments go to Disney. It’s actually the number one destination for people with physical and mental disabilities. He is not going to hold you back from doing everything.
There are very obvious warning signs everywhere and I’m sure he’s capable of reading them and deciding for himself to sit out or not. It’s insulting and cruel to tell someone just diagnosed “your health is a burden for me so see ya! You’re suffering so I deserve to go to the happiest place on earth and watch you sit it out because I really just don’t care about you that much.”” Minute_Box3852
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Big time. One, this is HIS friend primarily. Two, why do you HAVE to go to Disneyland knowing your SO can’t go? Obviously, he wants to go hang out with his best friend too. Finding out you have a condition like this is hard.
What he needs is support, not to be blown off by the two people who should care about him the most. Can’t you make a compromise and go somewhere safer so that he doesn’t feel left out? If it were my SO, I would definitely not go to Disneyland with his best friend if I knew he would feel left out.
What a bad thing to do to the person you love. Also, what are his triggers? Are they random? Is it flashing lights and sound? Epilepsy looks different for everyone and he might be fine as long as he isn’t riding rides.” punk-rot
2. AITJ For Wanting My Own Room On A Family Trip And Advocating For My Mom?
“I (M30) was invited to a family trip by my brother (M34), with my mom (F62), my uncle (M58), and two cousins (M30) and F(33). Everyone mentioned on this trip has a significant other except for me and my mom who is a widower. When planning the trip and picking the house my brother indicated that my mom and I would have to share a room.
I let them know that I am not comfortable with this for two reasons, one, My mom is a 62-year-old woman who deserves her own space and should not have to share with anyone, and two, I am a 30-year-old adult man who should have his own room.
I even offered to pay the difference with regard to a bigger Airbnb.
My brother and his wife then got all huffy and puffy saying they would share the room with my mom and that “you don’t need your own room, you’re single, and are being selfish” and offered to share the room with my mom and I would take theirs.
Now I don’t want to speak for my mom but she is too nice to stand up for herself in these contexts. I have spoken to her and know how she feels, however, she just said that she is okay with that arrangement to make my brother happy.
The truth is, she told me that it makes her feel like an afterthought and that after losing my dad she feels like she is treated as less important or valuable, due to stuff like this. (This is not the first time my brother has tried to pull something like this).
She told me it made her feel like he or anyone else in the family did not really care about her to even consider giving her her own space. She was also upset that nobody else was asked to share the double room, (two queen beds).
For context, she is my uncle’s older sibling, the oldest in my family, and feels like my cousins and uncle always treat her like less, and nobody else will be sharing a room (except their spouses or kids).
I just feel like we should all have our own rooms and they should all be equal. I don’t want to have to share a room just because I am single, while my brother basically rolls out the red carpet to everyone else, (giving my cousin the master bedroom even though my brother is planning the trip) or force my mom to have to do the same thing.
When I offered to just not come, since it would solve all the problems, they got all huffy and puffy again calling me dramatic and saying I am disrespecting the family. So AITJ here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I don’t think you’re a jerk. I think your brother is a control freak.
You have offered to pay the difference for a larger house that accommodates everyone. I don’t understand why your brother and his wife insist on this house and this house only. Situations like this are why my husband and I make it clear, our family will be staying in a hotel.
No squabbling about rooms, we have our privacy and we absolutely refuse to prepare meals when we are on vacation.” Peony-Pony
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Instead of totally bowing out, find another Airbnb that has 2-3 rooms to share with your mom or a nearby hotel.
Tell your mom that you are getting a hotel nearby, and would she like you to book her a room in the same hotel. Then send a group text that you and your mom will be staying elsewhere, but nearby, while still participating in the daily activities.
When everyone (but mom) else complains tell them that you, as an adult male, do not wish to share a room with an adult female unless it’s an SO that you plan on enjoying adult activities with. Also, tell them that mom deserves to have her own space as the eldest and that it’s only the respectful thing to do.
I’d also point out in that same text that you offered to cover the difference in cost of a larger space so that you and your mom could have your own rooms, but that the offer was shot down with no (good) reason given.” ToriBethATX
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Send a text like this to the family thread re: this trip. Hi everyone, stating this plainly so we can all be on the same page, have clear and respectful communication, and enjoy our vacation time together. When choosing accommodations, I would like a room to myself and am happy to pay my way/share.
Mom would also like a room to herself, so let’s please try to find a rental home that accommodates everyone’s wishes. If this isn’t possible before this trip, I will sadly be sitting out. But if we can adjust in time, I look forward to being together!
Thanks!” LostBody3801
1. AITJ For Not Allowing My Teenage Daughter To Diet?
“I (44F) have a (15F) daughter named Marie. Marie has lately been complaining about her weight and has asked me if she can go on a low-calorie diet. I told her that I don’t think it’s healthy for a girl her age to diet, and that she’s beautiful the way she is.
She’s been pouting ever since and has made comments like “You’re just trying to keep me fat like you!” and has left me wondering if I’m the jerk.
We have healthy options available in the house, lots of fruits and vegetables are available. However, I will admit these aren’t always the main part of a meal. She has two younger siblings who are notoriously picky eaters and have some sensory issues, so we cook what they’ll eat.
But we always have fruits and vegetables available as a side, and we cook at home. Marie is angry with me because I’m not allowing her to go low carb and low calorie, and my husband is telling me that I should allow her to do what she wants.
AITJ?
For those who might be wondering, she’s 5’4 and 150 pounds, if that changes your verdict.”
Another User Comments:
“I don’t think it’s fair that your youngest children are picky and instead of being proactive about that or making them their own separate meals, everyone has to adhere to their sensory issues.
That’s ridiculous to your teenager. If she wants to be more health-conscious, you as her mother should encourage her. It doesn’t sound like she wants to stop eating, she just wants a healthier menu and since you as the parent provide the food you should work with her and try to get her some more options.” SensitiveWasabi1228
Another User Comments:
“You’re the jerk because you are not taking this seriously. The good thing is that she spoke to you. What if she starts not eating and hiding it from you? Eating disorders are a slippery slope. 150 pounds at 5’4 is pretty heavy in my opinion, unless she is ridiculously muscular.
I’m 5’5 and 128 and still not “skinny” so she can’t be. Why don’t you actually work with her here? Perhaps she is wanting more attention as the other siblings’ food choices are more important. Maybe you guys could cook together and learn about healthier eating.
If you ignore this it could become a real problem. I have many family members who have struggled with anorexia and bulimia, please don’t let her go down that road. Your family will be destroyed.” whynousernamelef
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. I just want to add a word of caution to all of this.
I also got interested in dieting around the same age because I thought I was “fat” – 5’7” ca 130lbs. My mother did the opposite and encouraged my “attention to my diet”. She’s always struggled with her body image despite being relatively thin her whole life.
I developed orthorexia (excessive working out and calorie restriction) and lost about 15 pounds in a month. As a result, I stopped having my period for a year and obviously had a very unhealthy relationship with food. All I thought about was food and burning it off.
I think I also royally messed up my metabolism during this time. I think having an honest conversation with her about where this is all coming from (how she feels about her body, what her concerns are, what she “thinks” other people think about her) is a great place to start.
Education about metabolism and how your body needs things like carbs and fats for different reasons is also a good start. Also, therapy is a great option. I know it would have helped me. All this to say, it’s good you are aware of this situation early – means you can be proactive about possible disordered eating and other unhealthy habits for the sake of “losing weight.”” Ginger-Artemis
Metaspoon Slow or Crashing?
If Metaspoon is causing your browser to crash or run slowly, please try viewing the article in Lite Mode and it should run more smoothly!