People Feel Pressure In These 'Am I The Jerk?' Stories
20. AITJ For Rejecting My Boss's Vacation Offer After He Altered Our Business Ownership Deal?
“My job is incredibly stressful. My boss is the reason why.
I do all of his work for him.
He doesn’t show up to work even a whole day in a given week and expects me to run his business for him. I’ve been doing this for 7 years now.
The list of what I do for him is too long to list but it’s been explained to me that I do the work of 5 different people.
The pay is…okay. I’m lucky to have my husband’s income because I wouldn’t be able to survive on mine alone. I’ve wanted to quit this job so many times.
But I can’t because my boss wants to retire and sell the business to me and 2 other people, one of them being my husband (he works here too).
The other person (let’s call him Nathan) is someone we do not like and do not get along with. He only cares that he makes as much money as possible without doing any work.
My boss emphasized he needed me on board because I’m essential to the running of the business and that I didn’t have to worry about sharing with Nathan because ownership would be split evenly so my husband and I would have majority ownership to make decisions.
Since the potential of owning the business is something we want, we’ve spent weekends and evenings coming up with business acquisition plans and we’ve been doing the legwork to make this sale happen.
So, my boss took off on vacation for the past 5 months. I ran the office while he was away.
When he came back, he decided that for my efforts, he would give me and my husband a trip. He wanted us to drive 6 hours to a location on Friday, stay the weekend, drive back on Monday, and be at work on Tuesday.
Not much time off and we’d pay for gas and food but it was a nice gesture so we took it and thanked him for it.
Then we had an office meeting. He mentioned he’s now decided myself and my husband are to be one entity for ownership so that we didn’t have the option to overrule the authority of Nathan. So essentially, we would own 25% each and Nathan would own 50%.
It was a smack in the face.
Not only have I worked my veritable behind off for him so he can go on 5-month-long vacations and not worry, but my husband has been picking up the slack of Nathan’s ineptitude to keep everything running as well.
We’ve been the ones coming forward with all of the business sale ideas and we’ve been the ones trying to make this work.
Because of that, my husband and I started to feel like the time off he was giving us was more of a bribe than anything else to keep us around and accept whatever trash deal he put forward.
We thought about it and came to the decision that we didn’t want to go anymore. It felt dirty.
I canceled the reservation for the place he was sending us and broke down in tears. This was going to be the first time off I’ve had in years and I didn’t realize how much it meant to me till now.
My boss is angry and avoiding us lately because we gave his gift back and now I’m second-guessing our decisions. It could have worked out. Maybe we made a mistake?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but you may be a sucker. Your boss is untrustworthy – what guarantee do you have that he’ll follow through on his promise of selling you the business as opposed to the highest bidder?
It sounds like he’s just stringing you along, squeezing as much work out of you as he can. Imagine investing more years into this job, being underpaid, and walking away with nothing. I know bupkiss about business, but if I were you, I’d talk to a lawyer about putting a deal down in writing now… and if you don’t get it, I’d quit” AhabMustDie
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Get out. With you two gone, who’s going to make his business work? Nathan? If you’re in an at-will state in the US, the two of you need to walk out without training anyone, leaving any documentation about how to do things, or notes about items up in the air.
Either you both will find jobs with a significantly better work/life balance, or the owner will realize the error of his ways and come back with a hat in hand. When he does, make it worth your while to go back.” HedgieTwiggles
Another User Comments:
“YTJ…so let me clue you in…Your boss isn’t planning on selling anytime soon nor to you. But if he tells you that he is, he can string you along, save tons of money, and go on vacation knowing you’ll take care of it.
Who wouldn’t want that…” hey Mary..gonna sell you my business but I’m gonna go on vacation and pay you a salary that isn’t comparable to how much you work. But if you quit, I won’t sell to you so stick it out” Yeah so let’s see that contract.
.oh there isn’t one…but please take my word for it” TimeRecognition7932
19. AITJ For Not Lending My Deployed Car To My Partner After His Accident?
“This is my first vehicle (28k), and I plan to pay it off within the next month. I’m currently deployed in the desert. I store my car on the base where my sgt minimally starts it.
Pros of leaving it on base: minimal risk (theft, break-in, accidents, fewer mileage)
This has been my plan for every deployment and what I’m comfortable with.
My partner got into an accident (his fault). After a phone call, he texted me asking why I didn’t offer my vehicle. I told him that I was more comfortable leaving it on base and that I didn’t offer it because there wasn’t a timeline for when and how long he would need my car.
This was his follow-up text:
Oh okay, well I don’t know how long my truck will be in the shop. Kinda doesn’t matter, because that’s the only ride that I have.
But no worries. Just thought I would ask.
The next day our conversation picks back up, and I asked him if he was upset at me for not offering my car.
He started being passive-aggressive with me over text and when I told him that he was he denied it. I told him that I wasn’t willing to accept the risk. My answer changed from being: although I’m not comfortable we can talk about it when there are more details to flat out I’m not comfortable with this anymore based on how he was reacting.
He told me that he didn’t feel entitled to my vehicle, he was forced to lie to his friends to save me and the relationship from embarrassment, and was hurt that I didn’t appreciate how he was dishonest to his closest friends.
We had a phone call to try and clear the air, he kept saying that I needed to figure out what I valued more.
My vehicle or him. I offered funds for the situation and he didn’t acknowledge it. It turned into if the roles were reversed he would do it for me and that meant I didn’t love him as much as he does me.
I offered funds because I’m more comfortable doing that than lending my car out.
I wasn’t trying to kick him while he’s down as he’d like to call it. If he got into an accident with my vehicle I would be paying for the damage up front since he’s tight on funds and that offended him.
Accidents happen, he got in one! His response to this is that I don’t trust him as my partner to use my car.
This would be all different if I was back home. I have no problem coordinating down to one vehicle, but in no way am I comfortable with having him use my car for 4 months.
Is it fair that I changed my decision based on his responses? Is it fair to bring love into this?
I’m just very confused. It feels to me that he’s trying to manipulate me to get his way, but is that what’s going on here?
This happened two weeks ago. He broke up with me a couple of days after this all happened but still wants this conversation to be resolved. We’ve still been talking and both parties are hurt.
Part of me wants to walk away for good because of how disrespected I feel.
Another part of me wants to make it work because I love him.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. “My answer changed from being: although I’m not comfortable we can talk about it when there are more details to flat out I’m not comfortable with this anymore based on how he was reacting.” This was smart.
“It feels to me that he’s trying to manipulate me to get his way, but is that what’s going on here?” Yes. Yes, it is, very much so. He broke up with you and then wanted to keep arguing about it – presumably because the breakup is just an extension of his efforts to manipulate you.
Stay broken up. If he got this upset and manipulative over borrowing your car, imagine how bad he’ll get when it’s a bigger issue.” NapalmAxolotl
Another User Comments:
“NTJ “It feels to me that he’s trying to manipulate me to get his way,” .. this was EXACTLY what was going on here.
“He broke up with me a couple days after this all happened but still wants this conversation to be resolved.” .. this is ridiculous. He wants you to apologize and give him your car, and then he will graciously take you back. “Part of me wants to walk away for good” ..
Tell him: There is nothing to resolve, and block his number. “Another part of me wants to make it work because I love him.” … pretty one-sided, don’t you think? And: That is what he is betting on.” Excellent-Count4009
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’ve had this happen while I was deployed too, from a friend rather than a partner, and I regretted it horribly.
I came home to a car I was still paying on and severely damaged. Do not give in. Do not go back to this dude. He’s using you, he’s manipulating you. Cut contact, and remind yourself this: He broke up with YOU, over a CAR.
While you are DEPLOYED. This boy isn’t worth your time.” artemis1860
18. AITJ For Asking My Sister-In-Law To Stop Using My Animals For Social Media Clout?
“I (22f) live on my family farm and recently my brother (32m) separated from his wife and got remarried (33f) and moved back to the farm in a 5th wheel. Legally speaking, he has no claim to the place, it’s only me and one parent.
Funny enough, that’s not even the problem I’m in.
I have 3 horses and a flock of sheep, and I just had my first ever lambs, one I’m bottle feeding. I am so protective over all my animals which is a very well-known fact about me.
For example, I live where winters can get well below freezing and I have to haul water by hand for all of them daily. I do the daily chores, pay for their needs, and everything. My new sister-in-law has been sneaking around my horses, telling people about them, and inviting them over to “meet them” as they belong to her.
She’s also been sending her kids in to play with the bottle baby, pick him up, and whatever else, specifically when I’m not home. I have asked them before to not do this, and if they want to spend time with them, they need to ask me otherwise it’s dangerous and can put both them and the animals at risk, and it’s a standard boundary for horse owners.
I’ve only been met with anger, gaslighting, and backlash. She has also been very judgemental and makes degrading remarks.
A week ago, she took a video of one of the lambs and posted it all around, didn’t ask or tell me about it and it was the final straw.
I asked around to other friends and family if I should ask her to take it down and they said it wouldn’t hurt to try and they can understand that I feel used. I asked a couple of days ago for, nicely, to take it down only on Tiktok mostly because the hard work I’ve done and the hardships I’ve gone through make it feel like a slap in the face that she’d try and get Tiktok views out of it.
I didn’t complain about it anywhere else, I specified TikTok since I can get over it being on social media for friends and family, although I would have preferred her ask or tag me. She gave me the nastiest passive-aggressive response, how she thought sending me the video first meant I could post it too (I don’t understand that logic if someone could explain that to me) and she didn’t even know I was on TikTok.
Since then, she’s been rallying the rest of the family against me making awful claims on her social media and just being petty. This morning, she made a super vague and cryptic one that says “People keep her under the thumb and keep control of her life.” I do try my hardest to be understanding and avoid being unreasonable, and I have kept my mouth shut about tons of things that upset me just to keep peace and avoid conflict, but trying to get views from the fruits of my labor bothered me so much.”
I understand she took the video and strangers could do the same, plus it’s only a video but it’s different to me when a family member does it. A part of me feels like I’m overreacting, but another feels like speaking up now can prevent problems in the future.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Your SIL is being disrespectful of your boundaries and then playing the victim when you call her on it. The only option you have with people like this is to be VERY clear and firm about boundaries and enforce them.
You will have to ignore her flailing and dramatic performative gnashing of teeth. If she outright refuses to stay off your property and away from the animals when you are not there, tell her that the next step will be an eviction.” LadyCass79
Another User Comments:
“Send your new SIL a certified letter about your rules and mention liability and that if she, her kids, or anyone she invites over without your permission is injured or causes damage, you will take all legal action to recoup any losses that you suffer as a result of her actions (either directly or indirectly).
You do have to be concerned about liability if someone is injured by one of your animals. By sending the letter you are essentially saying she is trespassing and her actions are not authorized. An attorney can help you write a letter.” ERVetSurgeon
Another User Comments:
“If it was just the video I would say yeah it kinda sucks but you’re making a mountain out of a molehill but with the context of her messing around with your animals after being asked not to and then trying to use your animals to get clout or whatever then yeah NTJ.
Things are messed up.” Real-Language1670
17. AITJ For Accepting Best Man Role Without Plus One For New Partner?
“Let’s go color code. Their best friend will be Blue, his bride will be Yellow. My partner will be Pink. We are all adults pushing the 30s.
It all started a few days ago when Blue came to my house with Yellow and gave me the invitation to his wedding and a bottle of wine with a little note saying “You were with us since the very beginning.
Would you be our best man?”
I was very happy. I was honored. Blue and I have been best friends for 15 years. We barely see each other or even talk nowadays but we never lost that connection. We had a promise that we would be each other’s best men since before we were legally able to marry.
So, I accepted without a thought.
Then he said something like “We just need to see who you gonna pair up” to which Yellow said, “I think it will be “. Then Blue starts talking about how they are struggling with invitations because they both have big families and they are already over the capacity of the venue.
A lot of long-time friends are not getting invited at all.
All is great. We part ways and then I take a better look at the invitation. Nothing about a plus one. I sent a message asking about my partner, Pink, and he said he was sorry but they are over the venue capacity already.
But if someone refuses the invitation she can go.
I tell the news to my partner and, man… She was devastated. We have been together for 5 months. But we already talk about moving together, marrying, and having kids. We are pushing our 30s we don’t want to fool around, both of us are looking for someone to settle down with.
So when she heard that she was not invited and that I would be paired up with another woman, she felt humiliated. She felt unwelcome. I said I didn’t like it either, but it was not my wedding and that I would never refuse to be his best man.
She then says that he is more important to me than her and we get into a big argument. I get why she is hurt but it’s not my wedding, I won’t fight with my friend who I’m sure is stressed enough as is. She said if he was my best friend I could make him let me if I said I would only be his best man if he let her come.
And I’m like, so I have to blackmail him?
Also, a point she brought up was how he is supposed to be my best man if we marry in the future but she can’t stand the thought of having him as best man when she wasn’t even invited.
But here is the thing. They don’t know her. They know OF her. But Blue and Yellow never met Pink. So it is kinda expected that she would not be invited over friends and family. And unreasonable that she would be a bridesmaid (she wants to pair up with me) to someone she had never seen.
The argument died down but she is still very much not over. She feels like I didn’t fight for her and I don’t care about her. Her family all agree with her. I didn’t ask my family or any of my friends because I didn’t want to make this even bigger.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They aren’t excluding her out of malice – they even said if they have enough regrets then she can come. Your partner sounds unhinged with the whole being humiliated by you being paired up with presumably the MOH. You’ve only been together for five months and while you’re both talking about a future together that means nothing to the couple getting married and even less to the venue space limits.
After hearing that she is going to carry this grudge into your potential future wedding are you maybe second-guessing this relationship? I would be.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. One of the purposes of the courtship stage of a relationship is to identify red flags like this.
Your partner isn’t being logical at all. 1. She’s only been with you for less than six months. 2. She doesn’t know the couple. 3. The couple has explained that they’re limited on space and some of their friends aren’t even invited. 4. She’s uncomfortable with the idea of you walking down the aisle with another woman.
5. She wants you to emotionally blackmail your friend into inviting her to his wedding. Why do you want to be with someone who thinks this way? Today she’s acting like this about a wedding, but tomorrow it will be something else.” Mother_Tradition_774
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, walking down the aisle with someone who isn’t your partner is incredibly normal. Especially if your partner doesn’t know the couple – why on earth would she expect to be walking down the aisle with you? It’s fair enough for her to be a little upset for not being invited but all of the reasoning provided by yourself and the couple is 100% legitimate.
She’s being a bit OTT about it all, and the blackmailing suggestion is odd.” freerange_chicken
16. AITJ For Refusing To Ask My Dad To Buy Gifts For My Half-Sister?
“My parent’s relationship ended when I (18f) was 4 and my brother (15m) was 1. My mom treated my dad pretty terribly afterward. She called him a thug and all kinds of nonsense because of his appearance and tried to chase him off by suing for child support despite them sharing equal parenting time with us.
My mom got married when I was 7 and within a few months, she had another daughter, my half-sister. This is where things started to get stressful for my brother and me. My mom and her husband (I don’t and will not call him my stepdad) weren’t doing as great as they expected. I guess my mom got fired and when she got a new job it was demoted. Her husband’s company lost a lot of money and paid less.
My mom went back to court to ask for child support and got it. But it didn’t make the difference she expected. Mom then started asking Dad to buy gifts for my half-sister’s birthday and Christmas. My dad told her he bought it for his kids but not for a child she had with someone else.
Mom would then tell my brother and me we needed to ask Dad for gifts for our half-sister. We’d say no and she’d start guilt-tripping us. She’d say we’re big siblings and we have it way better and if we love our half sister we should want her to be pretty equal to us.
It didn’t stop there and my mom, even though dad never sent anything for my half-sister, started thinking he should be willing to buy clothes and school supplies and random little treats because she knew he did that for us at his house. Mom was hard on my brother and me because we didn’t ask Dad.
My brother told her once that dad shouldn’t have to pay when her sister has her dad. Mom said she’s still part of our family though and we should feel guilty for having more than her. Out of spite a few years ago my mom told my half-sister that dad had taken my brother to laser tag for his birthday and bought him a console and that I got to go to this cooking experience that cost like 500 dollars with my friends and that dad had bought me a gaming computer.
She told my half-sister we never asked him to buy her stuff too and that we didn’t want her to have nice things. She was like 8 at the time. It was messed up. My mom’s husband was just as much of a jerk about it and he would get mad at us for not taking care of our half-sister like that.
He even threatened to steal from us and leave the country to teach us and Dad a lesson because clearly, he was a better parent than Dad.
I stopped going to mom’s a few months ago, before turning 18 but close enough to it that she’d be too late getting back to court.
I don’t stay in touch much either but she blasted me for not visiting for my half-sister’s birthday and started off the guilt trip again so I called her out and told her she sucked and was an awful person and parent for treating my brother and me like that.
Mom called me selfish and said I showed how little I cared.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – a parent being a jerk, guilt-tripping children, badmouthing another parent, threatening children, trying to extort children, being toxic in every way, pit children against the other – then completely flabbergasted when they go NC.
(“Why? What did I do? I was always so good to you ungrateful brat!1!”) Classic!” Top-Spite-1288
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Just tell your mom “Half-sister is fortunate enough to have two parents who care about her while I only have my dad. That should more than make up for whatever material gifts I have been given.” Your mom is so blinded by …whatever… that she can’t see she deprived your half-sister of having any relationship with you and your brother with her scorched-earth, poisoning of the well.
You are much better off without her.” 2moms3grls
Another User Comments:
“NTJ completely. Your father doesn’t owe your half-sister anything, and your mother is off her rocker if she thinks he does. I cut my mom loose at 17 as part of a divorce. Sucked, but she played stupid games and won the prize.” Wiregeek
15. AITJ For Not Lending Money To My Brother After Receiving A Financial Aid Refund?
“I am a broke college student knee-deep in some debts, until this week. I got approved for a loan for financial aid so I could use that towards paying off my classes, and I got a major refund.
I barely make $200 a week at my job and the debt-to-income ratio for me is outstanding.
I live with my parents but I don’t ask them for funds and help because they do so much for me already and they’re pretty strapped too, so I have to be majorly independent on all this. I also live with my older brother.
This loan and major refund is a gift from God.
I was able to pay off my school stuff plus personal things, and I even have a lot more funds left over so I transferred it to my savings account to not touch. Mind you before this: I had $0.50 to my name and no available credit on my credit card, so I needed this money BAD.
No one knew anything about my refund besides my dad.
A couple of days ago, my brother asked me for $100 to borrow and he’ll pay it back. I said no because I “don’t have anything right now” (I needed to create a budget with the funds.
I still have things to pay off, so I need to get my expenses out of the way and calculate what I have left) He wanted it just for entertainment. If I told him about my refund he would’ve hounded me for funds.
Today, my parents are going on a trip.
These next 10 days are my mom’s bday and Mother’s Day. After I made a budget, I realized I had some funds for miscellaneous things so I gave them a gift of $500 for their trip just in case for anything and mentioned how I got a refund a couple of days ago.
Minutes later my brother comes to me and is like “You have $500 to give them but not $100 for me?” And then he talks about how me and my older sister, is selfish. Not the first time he told me that. We “gatekeep resources.” We “let people help us” because it “benefits us” but we don’t give back.
He and my parents “help me out” a lot. Talks about how I don’t share food (I never eat out and when I do it’s like $10, or Doordash once in a while as a treat). He tells me how he has to even ask my other sister (who’s younger than him) for funds.
Mind you, she’s strapped too but she barely says no and so many people ask her. He’s like “Okay I’m gonna stop helping you. Hopefully you become a millionaire…” etc, like huh??
Yes, they do help me, but I NEVER ASK. I NEVER DO. I would love to give back BUT I HAVE NOTHING TO GIVE.
NOTHING. I show them how grateful I am, I help around the house and clean and stuff but that’s all I can do. My parents 100% understand that why can’t he?
I tell him: first, my parents come. Second, it’s called a BUDGET. Third, whether I have the funds or not I am not obligated to give him anything, same w/ food.
He Doordashes & offers to share but I always decline & never ask.
I would love to help people but how can I help people when I can’t even help myself? I’m barely keeping myself afloat. I don’t tell him the things I’m going through financially but it’s so annoying when people assume things.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for not giving your mooch, harassing brother money. You owe him nothing. This is not free money–you will have to repay the loan and, like most students, it sounds like the refund was essentially spent before you got it.
The only thing I think you did wrong here is give your parents $500. You need/will need that $500 for necessities, they don’t need it on their vacation. You can express your gratitude for everything they’ve done for you when you’re graduated and gainfully employed. Feeling the need to gift money to others as soon as you have it is a poor financial management skill (and probably also the reason why your brother thinks he can bully you into sharing).” JeepersCreepers74
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for not loaning the money. Even if you were a billionaire you wouldn’t owe your brother anything. Stick with ‘no’ or ‘I have no money to lend.’. I do question your judgment in giving your parents money for a vacation. That’s ridiculous. You will need it for expenses and knowing you have the money to cover your basic needs is much better for your parents than money they don’t need for a luxury.” ApprehensiveBook4214
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for not giving your brother money. But it was foolish of you to give that money to your parents. You’ll need it to pay off your loan. Sounds like everyone in your family has terrible money management skills. Since you’re in school, see if there is a financial literacy or budgeting class.
You throw the work BUDGET in here like you know how to keep one, but if you only had 50c left to your name and no credit available and were bailed out by a loan and refund, then you don’t know how to budget either.
NTJ for your question, but a jerk to yourself for your foolish gift.” EconomyVoice7358
14. AITJ For Kicking Out My MIL After She Criticized My Husband For Helping Clean Up?
“My husband, Tom, and I recently moved into our house, today we hosted our first dinner party with my mother-in-law (mil), FIL, BILs, and their wives and SIL. I took a day off from my business to make sure everything was perfect.
I spent hours on my feet to make sure everything was perfect, I went grocery shopping, cleaned the house, and cooked. By the time everyone got here I was exhausted but I still entertained everyone because I was so excited to have them over.
Everyone was having a good time, even MIL, I think it’s because Tom and I sat at the opposite end of the table and she got to sit next to him.
We moved to the living room to have dessert and that’s when everything went to chaos. I was in the kitchen with SIL plating up the desserts she brought and making more ice cream. A few minutes later Tom came back and started clearing up the dishes that were on the table, I didn’t ask him to do this, he’s just like this.
MIL heard us talking and came to the kitchen and saw Tom loading the dishwasher, she asked if he knew what he was doing and he said he did.
MIL came in after Tom went back to the living room and said (I forgot some of the other stuff she said).
“PugLoverNo1565, if you needed help with cleaning up you could have asked us to do it instead of stressing Tom with it. He’s not good at this sort of thing and he has had a long day at work. The key to a happy marriage is working together and making life easier for each other.
Tom works so hard, he bought this house and everything in it to make life easier for you. The least you can do is clean up”. I told her I didn’t ask for help, Tom just helped because this is the house too and he wants to make life easier for me.
I also asked her if she realized it wasn’t 1993 because Tom isn’t a baby anymore he’s capable of cleaning up, it’s not rocket science. I told her we don’t need marriage advice, especially from her because she said something about making our marriage last while she was on marriage number 3/7 at my age.
She called me angry and said I did not need to be vicious, I told her I’d show her vicious and I left the room. MIL followed me to the door and I told her to get out, she did and then started crying.
Everyone came to see what was going on and I told them I was tired of MIL and the nastiness she tries to hide by being passive-aggressive.
FIL apologized to her and I told him I didn’t accept, and she could apologize for herself or leave. Tom and his brother Andrew told her to apologise and she refused so I shut the door in her face and went to the kitchen. FIL one of DH’s brothers and his partner left soon after.
The rest that stayed had a good time and they left two hours ago.
All chaos has broken loose and I’m getting messages calling me a jerk. I don’t think I was but Tom and everyone who stayed is biased because they can’t stand MIL, so I don’t know.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – MIL has got some serious issues… Seeing her son take care of his wife should make her happy. She’s so obsessed with him it’s sickening. It sounds like he has your back, but anyone that thinks MIL was in the right don’t need to be in your life anymore.” urmom4241
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She needs to mind her own beeswax. But maybe someone can explain to me something. So many people in this sub use the term passive-aggressive for solidly aggressive behavior. She was 100% clear about her complaint. She wasn’t hinting. In my mind, passive aggression is talking *around* the issue.
Like saying loudly, “Oh, Tom, do you feel up to working so hard to clean up? I know how hard you work supporting your family…” I thought the point behind being passive-aggressive is to be able to deny that’s what you meant. She was clear about what she meant.
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! Women are not maids and it’s not the woman’s “job” to clean up. So what if he works? That means nothing. MIL has some very twisted views on what a marriage is all about and she certainly needs to stay out of yours.
Sorry to hear you have a person like that in your life. It’s good that people stuck up for you. Not very many people stand up for each other these days. You were disrespected in your own home. She should apologize.” WillLoveCoffee4Ever1
13. AITJ For Being Upset My Parents Kept Me From My Biological Dad's Friends?
“So I (17m) learned last year that I was adopted by my adoptive dad.
I always thought he was my bio dad. My parents never told me. A few months later I found a letter my dad wrote before he passed away, while my mom was pregnant with me, and in that letter, it explained he had no contact with his bio family and he wanted me to have no contact with them either, and that he was the reason, not mom.
He wanted me to blame him if I blamed anyone. He also said how much he loved me and how much he wanted to raise me. He also explained that he had three best friends who were the only family he recognized, and they were his brothers in everything except b***d and he knew they would always be a big part of my life.
And they would tell me all about him.
Only my parents didn’t keep them in my life. So I grew up not knowing about my dad or the people he called brothers. It was such a bombshell and I struggled to process I didn’t forgive so my parents decided we needed therapy together.
Once in therapy, they explained some things, at least how they wanted to. They said the reason for not keeping my uncles around was they felt like it was preventing me from knowing my adoptive dad as my real dad. Mom said she didn’t want me to ever tell him he wasn’t my real dad.
She didn’t want me caring more for Dad’s best friends than the man raising me. Dad admitted to being jealous and wanting the three guys from my dad’s life out of my life, so I could be his kid and he wouldn’t forever be my stepdad.
I was 2 when this all went down and I was 2 when the adoption happened.
My parents wanted us to move on from this. Mom said she felt like this was a tiny blip in the ocean. That we had been close and they had been great parents to me and my younger siblings.
She also said my younger siblings would never recover if I walked away from my family. Dad said he didn’t like how angry I was and he felt like I was going too far with this.
The counselor told them there might not be a way back.
She also told them these are the direct consequences of their actions. She said there’s always a reason they encourage parents to tell their kids they were adopted and why they always say it’s better to know family than not. My parents claim to understand but then act like I owe them forgiveness.
Last week during our session I asked them some tough questions. I asked them how they would like it if something happened to me and my future kids never knew I existed and they never knew them. I asked my adoptive dad if he’d like to be in my dad’s shoes.
If he’d be okay with mom letting husband number 3 adopt his kids. Then I dared him to ask her to do that because he thinks it’s no big deal. I asked either of them if they would be okay with being in my uncle’s place.
They didn’t like me asking this stuff and they said my questions and expectations for them to be perfect are unfair. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. That is why therapy is helpful – you are encouraged to say everything that bothers you without being afraid.
Your parents just don’t want to accept your opinion as it’s inconvenient but you will become an adult and will make your own choices about your life, to let uncles into your life, how many contacts you want to have with your step-dad, etc. I would tell him that his choices have consequences and because of his selfish decisions he risks losing you, so better he respects and supports your opinion and helps you to do whatever you want instead of trying to push your uncle out and pretend that he is the saint.” forgeris
Another User Comments:
“NTJ meet your uncles and have your counselor explain they are the ones that need to apologize and mean it because you have a right to know your uncles and because they made the unilateral decision for themselves rather than you, you’re allowed to do the same and if they punish or resent you for this it will give you more fuel to disband the family that “loves” you so much they’d manipulate and lie to you to keep you close.” Negaytion
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They may think they were coming from a good place, but their actions were about what they wanted, not what was best for them. I’m sorry this happened to you. You don’t owe them forgiveness, especially if they continue to insist they did nothing wrong.
I agree with other posters’ recommendation to stick with therapy (individual therapy for sure regardless of whether you keep going with them) and hope you can find peace.” nonnymauss
12. AITJ For Being Blunt With My Messy Ex-Roommate About Collecting Her Stuff?
“So I (21) moved back in September. I found a roommate online, L (21), and we needed to get another roommate.
L suggested their old friend S (F20).
Things got bad after S moved in: she stopped speaking to us after it was mentioned we were autistic, spent at most one night a week living with us (rest with her mum), refused to do any cleaning, was unhygienically messy, extremely rude, etc.
It felt like she was using our home as an Airbnb, and us as “mum fairies”.
Yes, we asked her on many occasions to clean. All we got was “Your cleanliness standards are too high”.
Finally, she sent us a text saying she was moving out, and to find someone else.
We found C (26), who would mesh perfectly with our personalities and cleanliness (basic hygiene.) C had to move from their current place as the landlord had suddenly told them the house was being sold, and they had until the end of April to be gone.
We told S on April 4th that as soon as we found C. S collected her things but left the mattress. The mess she left was disgusting and I knew we had to thoroughly clean it before C moved in.
We asked when she would come to collect the mattress, and her only response was “When is C moving in?”, we explained the situation with the current place and told her preferably April 20th.
Her only response was “Well I paid for this month, so it’s my room”.
Under normal circumstances, this would be entirely understandable, but she wasn’t even living there, and was at her mum’s, C on the other hand had nowhere to temporarily put their stuff.
We told her again and asked her to look at her calendar and let us know when she was free to pick it up.
She got mad at us, about how she owned the room. I told her that because she was breaking the lease by leaving five months into the 18-month agreement, she was responsible for making sure everything was out in time for the new person, and that all we needed was a date.
Her response was to get extremely mad that I said she “broke the lease”, telling me she owned that room, we had no right to demand anything of her, and she would take it whenever she wanted. She explained how she was so kind about everything she had done, like paying for the rent until we found someone (something she legally had to do), and how we were being mean.
I sent her a reply that said “I don’t want to hear any more self-righteous nonsense. I will not be communicating with you unless it is about the date you will be collecting the mattress. We need the mattress gone before the end of the month so that I can properly clean it, as it is unfit for someone to move into in its current state of dead insects, spoiled food, and evidence of rodents.
Just give us a date, S”
Some people have been saying I was too harsh, as the state of her room indicates mental health issues. I’m not too sure, though, and if she does it does not excuse anything. I might have been a bit blunt, but I was at my wit’s end, in near tears with frustration with this girl.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. When does turning a blind eye or sweeping problems under the rug ever lead to positive, healthy outcomes? You weren’t too harsh, you were direct and honest. She’s been repeatedly rude and disrespectful, someone needed to step up and be blunt.
Mental health issues are not the only explanation for her disgusting room nor do they excuse her behavior. Laziness and entitlement could just as easily explain her mess.” ASBF2015
Another User Comments:
“NTJ You were just honest and to the point. You told her what needed to be done.
There was no need for her to go on and on and on. Take photos of the room in the state that she has left it. This is a hygiene issue. Your LL would not be impressed if you had a rodent problem because she wouldn’t clean her room.” KitchenDismal9258
11. AITJ For Refusing To Help My Wife's Family Anymore After Feeling Disrespected?
“I (34m) got married 9 years ago to my wife Jessica (33f).
Jessica and I have two children Robyn (7f) and Theo (5m). Growing up I didn’t have a family. I was a foster kid who was bounced around a lot because sometimes my bio mother would take me back but she’d always end up losing custody again or placing me back.
When she finally stopped trying I was 11 and too old for most people who wanted babies or really little kids. So I aged out of the system without being adopted or finding a family.
I had hoped when Jessica and I met that I’d be welcomed by her family.
But that’s not how it went. Took me years to figure it out though. They look down on me. They’re not obvious about it but I see it in the way they are with me vs the way they are with the other sons/daughters-in-law.
Like asking them about Christmas plans but saying they didn’t expect us to do anything else because I don’t have a family. Or asking about the other’s jobs and promotions but never me, then acting so shocked both times Jessica or I mentioned I was promoted. There was a time when my SIL mentioned a foster kid who won a scholarship to college and it made it into the local news.
The whole family’s reaction was “Oh wow a foster kid making it to college is so unexpected” and Jessica pointed out I went to college. They looked a little uncomfortable and I heard two of her siblings whisper something about “Jessica and that story” so I assume they believed she lied about where we met.
They don’t make an effort for my birthday. They make assumptions that I don’t spend time with my kids. They assume any effort made by me is me doing it for Jessica and don’t believe me when I say it’s not.
Yet they will always ask for my help with repairs around the house or assembling something because I’m good at that stuff.
I have helped Jessica’s parents and all her siblings at least twice. Once I realized (with help from therapy) that they didn’t like me and seemed to think less of me for being a foster kid, I did that stuff for Jessica and not for them.
But then a few weeks ago Jessica’s parents had issues with the stairs. I went and fixed them up. I spent hours working on one part and had to go and get extra materials. It was a whole thing. Some of the family came over while I was there and Jessica’s parents made food for them… but nothing for me.
When I asked them if there was any for me they told me they didn’t think I’d want to eat after working so hard… for hours… with no food in between. I told them they didn’t think that, they simply didn’t want to be polite to me and offer food after doing all that work for them.
I was called out by Jessica’s parents and her siblings. Jessica took my side as did some of the sibling’s spouses. But I was called out again for not helping fix a shelf for one of Jessica’s sisters and saying never again would I help any of them.
They said family helps the family. I asked them when they ever treat me like family.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“You’re not a husband or Jessica’s partner. You’re a built-in handyman and that’s all they’ll ever look at you. The hired help. You should tell Jessica that she can keep all the contacts you want from their family but you need to go very low contact or no contact at all with them and that’s it.
Maybe one holiday a year and that’s about all I would do. And if they ever ask for help again say my hourly rate is $500 an hour and I need 3 hours up front. NTJ.” Even_Enthusiasm7223
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, it’s embarrassing that your wife has let them treat you like that with no repercussions.
I guarantee that she knows exactly how they feel about you and she continues to let them treat you like less than. No one deserves to be treated like that, especially when they have the gall to ask you to do things for them. I’d be having a serious conversation with your wife about her complacency in their abusive behavior towards you and why she doesn’t address it.
You know very well they talk behind your back and she just lets them. The only way they will respect you is if she does something about it. She is just as guilty as the rest of them in.” theworldisonfire8377
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Your in-laws sound like the worst kinds of people.
All I want to do is invite you and your family over for a holiday. I hope you and Jessica can build the type of found family community that will comfort and support each other over the coming decades. That they’re such jerks over the fact that you went to college, are a promotable employee and a great father sucks.
They wrote you off based on your background before they got to know you as a person.” Noinix
10. AITJ For Wanting To End Friendship Over Work Shift Disputes?
“I (25F) have been working in an industry where workers are essentially self-employed but still somewhat managed- rosters etc by a third party. The income is fairly good and the job is flexible allowing me to work 3 days a week with a cognitive disability and afford to make ends meet without other sources of income.
Being self-employed and earning my income from commissions means sometimes income is great and other times it’s terrible but on average it is a very well-paying job.
I reconnected with a close friend (also 25f) from when I was younger and this past year we have become good friends again.
She is on a disability pension and has two casual funds jobs, and she studies part-time.
A few months ago she was struggling to make ends meet and I pulled some strings and offered her a job in my industry, she took it and all was well for the first few months- I quite enjoyed getting to work with her on the occasions I do.
Our financial situations are now quite different as I make my income solely from my job, and she has the problem of needing to spend income and go on overseas holidays so her pension doesn’t get cut for having too much in her bank.
Here’s the main problem- my shifts are now getting given to her (I’m losing days of work so she has work opportunities).
Management is treating us as a sole entity instead of two and that is not her fault but she is benefiting from it.
I spoke to her when it started happening a few weeks ago as I’ve been low on funds, and asked her if I could have my regular shifts back as she has all of these extra sources of income and my job is my only income.
She got offended by the fact I brought up her pension and said it had nothing to do with the matter. I disagreed but we came to the agreement that if it were to happen again she would give me priority to my shifts since I got her the job.
Fast forward to recently and it’s happened again except this time she put her foot down and told me she’s taking the shift, which would be fine if it wasn’t one of my two shifts this week. (Due to her wanting me to take a day off to go to a concert with her- and lied to me about the price knowing I can’t afford it)
Her lack of awareness of others’ situations and her lack of thankfulness for getting her a job have irritated me.
The big reality check for me has been realising the only thing people care about is money.
I’ve never had an issue with her being on a pension as I understand the supports it allows access to is necessary for her functioning, like free psych support, occupational therapist, etc but it also grants access to things she does not need, like a minimum wage without working, and disabled parking to say the least.
I have the same disabilities as this woman but I understand I would need to lie about my severity to access a pension- and that doesn’t sit right with me.
Her selfishness and entitlement have given me the ick and I don’t think it’s worth keeping her as a friend, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your problem is with management. Tell them you need your shifts. And if they don’t give you the shifts, maybe they value your friend’s work more than yours. In any case, the issue is between you and management. If you need to change locations, that may be your best bet.” DontAskMeChit
Another User Comments:
“YTJ to me. Why are you solely blaming her and asking her to change the shifts when it’s the company rostering you? Take it up with the company. You blame your friend and put it on her to solve the problem YOU are having with the shift rostering of a company.
She’s not changing every time for a problem you are not solving so you want to end the friendship. All added ‘issues’ have nothing to do with your issue of the shifts.” Lucys243
Another User Comments:
“A very gentle YTJ. Honestly, as stated by others your frustration and anger are correct, but misplaced (aside from her lying about the tickets, which may have been accidental)).
The issue is the company abusing its schedule of shifts as well as laws regarding how much money people with disability can have access to forcing people into poverty. It’s a messed up civil rights issue that goes deep.” boss_hog_69_420
9. AITJ For Blowing Up At My Mom Over My Dog's Diet?
“I (27M) grew up in a house with a large family (grandma had 11 kids and 15 grandkids) and to be heard in this crowded place we learned to be loud, that’s why every time I feel unheard I tend to speak louder (but I try to avoid it).
My mom (52F) is a difficult woman, I love her but it’s hard to be calm when we speak because she doesn’t listen. Every time she asks something our family she doesn’t wait for the answer, and then 5 minutes later she asks again, but it’s even worse when we are talking and have different opinions.
She just ignores whatever we’re saying and repeats her reasoning again and again, and with my loudness, we constantly end up arguing.
Today’s topic was my dog’s food, I’m trying to make my dog have a healthier diet, but she constantly gives him things that I don’t think are good to give to a dog, like when she gives him bread dipped in coffee in the breakfast, or when she puts our seasoned food in his dog food at lunch or dinner, and because of this he doesn’t eat dog food anymore, and when we put dog food mixed with our food he just eats our food and leaves the rest.
So I looked up on the internet and found a training method using only dog food by basically waiting till the correct feeding time and giving just dog food to him, and only after he eats the dog food you give him some treat that he likes, so we can make him like his food again and stop eating seasoned food.
I said this to her and pleaded with her to not feed him other foods, and when I came home from work to lunch I said we should start doing it to see if it works, but when I went to his bowl she said that I should put some meat to him.
Again I explained that the reason I was trying this was to make him like his dog food again and we could later make a more varied diet since he would eat everything in the bowl and not only our food, but she ignored me and repeated herself adding that I was being cruel.
We had this back and forth for 5 min. until I became frustrated and said in a harsher tone “I’m just trying to train MY dog, I’m not trying to feed him garbage or starve him”.
After that she said that I was treating her poorly, she doesn’t deserve this and she never spoke like this to her mom.
We started arguing and I said that every time I make decisions on any topic she just disagrees for the sake of disagreeing, she ignored and we continued to argue until she ran out of arguments and just ended the discussion.
This happened today, but it’s an example of something that happens constantly, and every time ends in two ways: she runs out of arguments or I run out of patience and end the discussion frustrated, but I always feel like I’m the worst son because I know I shouldn’t be blowing up like this, but at the same time I don’t think I’m wrong for being frustrated when I’m being ignored. Am I crazy and blowing things out of proportion?
because in the end she always looks sad and disrespected. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Focus on finding somewhere else to live with your dog. Your mom doesn’t respect you or listen – sounds like she talks AT you rather than WITH you. It doesn’t matter if she is sad when you move out, it’s what’s best for you and it’s a part of life.” Outrageous_Lab375
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your dog, your rules. And you are correct, she is harming your dog. As for the constant arguing, the best solution is to not live with her. She isn’t going to change and you can’t do anything to stop the way she is.
Good luck!” justcelia13
8. AITJ For Not Accepting My Father's Late Efforts After Years Of Neglect And Dismissal?
“My childhood was not so great because of my mother. My dad was the one who pretty much salvaged my childhood until I was around 12 years old. The company my dad worked at gave him a promotion. That promotion meant more responsibilities in that role.
Because of that promotion, he was more stressed out and less motivated to do things like any father-son time that we used to do. Before, he would spend every other weekend with the guys (his friends), and the promotion slowly made it to where he spent every weekend with the guys.
This bothered me because I looked forward to our father-son time. When I talked to him about that his response was always, “I will this weekend, I promise,” and then I put two and two together and realized he was never going to give me the time of day so I gave up.
Just one year later, he got another promotion which meant not only less time with him, but he got irate. One of his friend’s sons was a bully of mine in grade school. He liked this friend and liked his kid so he got upset with me because I made a fuss about it.
Then I stood up to my bully which my dad did not like. He got furious that I stood up to him. I could no longer see my dad for what he used to be after that event. Then I turned 18 and left. Through most of my adulthood, he made zero effort in trying to get to know me and try to become a part of my life, because he believed I was “too old” for his love so I gave up and moved on.
Ten years later, he decided he wanted to make an effort out of nowhere. Part of me still wanted to love my dad so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. And sure enough, he did make the effort. Not a lot, but enough to assure me that I had someone to fall back on if I ever needed anything.
I appreciated that, but the problem is that I can’t get over what he did to me. His response was to forget about it and move focus on what we have now, and I just can’t.
I went to see him this afternoon as I was invited for a BBQ.
I told him at the BBQ that I was still bothered by the past. He did not take that well and told me to focus on what he’s doing now to make things better instead. I told him I couldn’t help what I felt. There’s a huge gap missing and that gap was filled with horrible memories of you.
I told him I can’t get over the things he did to me. He, of course, told me if I had just one day with his old man I’d see things differently.
Admittedly, his old man was a monster and there was a reason why I only saw him twice.
Regardless, I told him it wasn’t a competition on who had it worse as he did horrible things to me and I can’t get over that. He told me that he didn’t know what else he could do to make things better and I excused myself.
AITJ for harboring the past and not accepting that he’s here now to help me out?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your dad didn’t even apologize for anything. If he wanted to fix the relationship, he should start by acknowledging his mistakes and the impact of having an absent father for whom you were never a priority.
Your feelings matter, OP, and your dad can’t pretend that nothing happened and start from scratch. You should go to therapy together and be able to talk in a safe environment so that both of you can heal.” Hour-Wind-2410
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are allowed to feel what you feel.
Mistreatment tends to repeat itself generation after generation. My late grandfather was pretty bad to my late father, and needless to say, he dismissed my mental needs. I lost the thing I couldn’t forgive my father for because he is long gone, and it is pointless to hold it over a dead man.
He hasn’t apologized to you yet, which means he still has too much pride. He may never apologize to you, but that tells you which relationships you should value more now.” Cyber_Angel_Ritual
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Your healing starts with him taking accountability for what he’s done, admitting that it was wrong, and sincerely apologizing for it.
That’s what he needs to do. Just move on just sweep it under the rug and I don’t think anyone should be okay with that.” Bo_O58
7. AITJ For Leaving My Band After They Cancelled A Concert Without Telling Me?
“I (22F) and 4 of my friends, (let’s call them Viv, Kay, CJ, and Nik) formed a band when we were around 15-16 years old.
Viv’s dad had seen our talent and gave us the idea to start a band and even bought instruments. He fully supported us, helping us practice and through connections with some of his pals, got us opportunities to play publicly. Recently Viv’s dad passed and we all decided to continue the band in his honor.
At first, everything was okay. We continued playing out as usual, still practicing, Nik and I even wrote a song together to honor Viv’s dad. Then suddenly Viv stopped showing up to practice. I considered that they were still grieving over their dad. A month had passed and still, there was no sign of Viv.
When I called, I was told that they were “busy”. I didn’t think anything of it, as they continued to ask about what the band was doing in their absence.
One day, we learned that a more well-known band had pulled out of a concert, and we were going to play instead.
We were ecstatic. With this chance, we could gain more recognition. Everyone continued practicing, but still no Viv. Finally, the day of the concert arrived, and I was driving to the place where the concert was being held, a 3-hour drive. I was 3/4 of the way there when my phone rang.
It was Viv’s mom telling me that the rest of the group had decided not to go. Shocked, I told her that I was almost there, and it was unprofessional for us to cancel last minute. She had told me that Viv decided not to go and told the rest of the group not to as well.
I pulled over near a gas station to recollect my thoughts and immediately asked to talk to Viv. I asked them why they would cancel last minute and tell everyone not to go too. Viv said it was their call whether or not we went to the concert.
I pointed out that they didn’t tell me this, and told them that I was almost there, to which Nik (probably in the room) responded, “Well, that’s her problem if she left already.” I was horrified when I heard this, as I had been friends with these people for 16 years.
I pleaded with them to at least show up to the concert to be professional, and that we could talk about this afterwards. CJ took the phone, told me to go be unpleasant to myself, and hung up.
When I went home that night I cried in my bedroom for hours.
Eventually, I realized that these people were unprofessional and immature, and that group would not be beneficial for my goals. Yesterday I called V’s mom to tell her I was pulling out of the group. Viv’s mom understood and didn’t try to stop me. I have blocked the rest of the group on all social media.
My sister told me that I was a jerk for just pulling out and not even waiting to speak with Viv. I felt guilty pulling out of the group and refusing to talk to the rest of the band, but I needed to get out of that space and clear my head.
But I am unsure if I should have just pulled out unannounced. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but it would have been a smart move to call the rest of the group before setting off for the gig location. If you get asked why you left by any other former band member, just tell them that they showed you weren’t part of the band at all by not telling you about them canceling the appearance and that Viv can eat a bag of unpleasant things for destroying the band’s reputation.” ComplexSyrup8848
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Do yourself a favor and replace these band members with synths & drum machines and become a solo act. You won’t have to worry about relying on others….” joeyc1123
Another User Comments:
“I’m clueless as to why you’d assume that Viv, on the DAY OF THE SHOW, was suddenly going to reappear and be ready to perform.
What? This whole thing is a dumpster fire. Move on. On the upside, I don’t think you have to worry about ever being asked back to that venue/event again.” CalendarDad
6. AITJ For Yelling At My Mom Over Her Lack Of Support During Grandpa's Illness?
“I (30F) have had a tumultuous relationship with my mom. She was a single teen mom who raised me “by herself”, and loves to remind me of it all the time.
I’ve never gotten along with her through the years for various reasons, the main reason is her narcissism. Which brings me to our latest argument.
My GPA (her dad) had a risky aortic aneurysm surgery back in late Oct. The surgery caused him to have several strokes and numerous complications because of it.
They eventually moved my GPA to a nursing home closer to home, so my GPA came back. Several times, there was some complication surrounding my GPA care, and my GPA would turn to me for help in the situation. I’d help as much as I could but tried to get my mom involved as much as possible since it’s her parents who need help.
Over this past weekend (5/4), we got the news that he wasn’t doing good and will most likely not survive the week. The whole family (my aunt, 2 uncles, sister, and cousins) came to the nursing home to say our goodbyes. My mom came late and left after 30 minutes while the rest of us stayed all day.
My uncle and I stayed the latest to ensure the night nurses knew his med schedule. That’s when my grandma broke down crying that she “had the strength to walk this road alone up until now and she can’t do this part alone”. I promised we would figure out how to all be here now.
The following days (5/5-6), we all visited as much as we could. My mom never went back. This afternoon (5/6), I texted the family directly (everyone except my grandma) on my way home that we needed to rally together to be there for her. I told them what she had told me.
I intended to make everyone aware of my gma’s wishes and to ensure she wouldn’t be alone.
As I walked in the door of my gma’s house, my mom flew out of her room cussing at me. Telling me I was out of line to suggest she hasn’t been there for my grandma this entire time.
I told her that was never my intention and tried several times to explain where I was coming from. She continued screaming at me at how out of line I was for messaging the family like that suggesting none of us have been there for my grandma.
I started yelling back that it was true! None of us have been there for either of them, we all were “too busy” to take time out of our day to visit!! But that didn’t negate the fact she needs us now and it’s our responsibility to be there for her.
She then proceeded to start crying saying I had no clue what it was like to have a dad die and I didn’t care about her feelings at all. I reminded her she wasn’t the only one losing a dad, and that I was losing someone too.
She said, “Losing a grandparent is nothing compared to this pain!” And then said she was daddy’s girl and his favorite child! I was blown away and told her that was the most selfish thing I ever heard someone say and when she tried cussing me out again I screamed at her to go back to her room that she never leaves!”
Another User Comments:
“You know the saying, “the hurt dog hollers”. Well, if your mama wants to read your texts to rally around your grandma as an accusation or something that’s on her. Everybody is stressed, and this is hard. People cope differently. But if your mama wants to yell at you then she can get it dished back.
NTJ.” YouthNAsia63
Another User Comments:
“Light YTJ. Everyone grieves in their way and says goodbye in their way. Grief is a strange beast that needs both support from fellow loved ones and alone time. Some people are good about shouldering their own and being there to mutually commune together to shoulder each other’s.
Other people have a hard time shouldering their own and carrying it for others so seek solitude. None of these are wrong. your judgment of her choice in grief is light YTJ. just because it’s not the way you or others are handling it doesn’t mean her feelings and actions are invalid.
Light jerk to her for minimalizing everyone else’s grief in comparison to her own. Grief is not a contest. But I understand her lashing out when made to feel like her feelings and grief are the wrong type, trying to explain why her grief is valid in the face of being told she’s wrong.” Suitable_cataclysm
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Yes, YTJ for yelling at your mom while her dad is dying. No, you do not understand what it is to lose a parent, no you do not understand the grief your mom feels because that is personal to her.
Your mom is the jerk for yelling at you. BUT. No jerks here because your grandpa is dying and you ALL need to give each other way more grace than you are, understand that pain is often expressed in shutting down/being unable to deal/*and* and lashing out.
Go hug your mom. Tell her you are sorry that she is losing her dad. Ask her if at, a later point, she would be willing to tell you stories of her childhood with her dad, I guarantee there is so much you do not know no matter how close you were to your grandparents.
Tell her you are very sad about losing your grandpa. Support each other. I’m sorry for your loss and I am sorry for your mom’s loss.” Even_Budget2078
5. AITJ For Telling My Sister She's Unfit To Take Care Of Our Cousins' Kids?
“I’ll give background context first, my (29M) and my sister (34) have never gotten along with each other.
Since I was a kid I’ve lived with my grandparents, because our parents didn’t want more kids than my sister, so we didn’t grow up together. And the times we did see each other, were short and just holidays.
She is a cop, single.
I run my (late) grandparents’ business, and I have been seeing my partner (30F) for 6 years, and we live together.
Now, the actual problem. I’m not sure what happened with my cousin (her kids are technically my 3rd-grade cousins, but I call them nephew and niece) but she got into trouble.
She has two kids with different men who never showed, I’ll call them Max and Sara. Max is 13, he is rude and seems always at the edge of anything, he has been suspended from his school multiple times, gets into fights often, and already smokes.
Sara is 7, she is a shy kid but she still is young, and she seems in a better mental condition than Max is.
Our cousin recently got into a bad situation and was sent to the hospital, she is fine, but the police took the kids as she was seen as unfit to parent them.
So we were contacted, and yesterday I met with my sister and my partner to discuss it, it was my first time seeing my sister in a long, and my partner’s first time.
We talked about the kids, and my sister spoke like she had assumed she was gonna take them in, saying that her living costs were going up and she was going to need our help financially, I asked what she meant, and she said how she didn’t expect an unmarried couple to take in two kids from a troubled home, that she was a much better fit to parent them, and that social services would trust her way more because she is a police officer.
I was still confused and asked how was she going to work a full-time job and take care of them, then said that my partner is an art teacher and I work mostly from home, and we were much better for it. She laughed, saying that she didn’t trust me for it, that we could split at any time, and that if I couldn’t take care of my grandparents, how was I supposed to take care of Max and Sara?
(For context, my grandparents passed away naturally when I was 20, they were already quite old).
I’m sure I was visibly annoyed, and told her how she didn’t know a thing about me or my life, never showed interest in being a sister to me, how she shouldn’t talk about my relationship stability if she could barely keep a partner, and how she sounded exactly like our mother.
She told me to do whatever I wanted and to see how I was going to be doing with them, and left after that.
My partner stayed quiet all the time and then called me out on my behavior. We slept in different rooms.
Today she was feeling better, but we still talked and she said how I should apologize, I don’t know if I should.
I talked with a friend on the phone, and he said that while she insulted me too, I shouldn’t have done that.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone’s a jerk, both of y’all sound stupid. considering your sister is older and seems more established she will more than likely get the kids. none of you have any right to say who is fit and who isn’t.
Your sister being a cop doesn’t mean she can’t raise 2 kids, and your partner being a teacher doesn’t she can raise 2 kids. it’s not up to any of you, it’s up to the courts. ” Mental_Doughnut5262
Another User Comments:
“Everyone’s a jerk.
Have y’all forgotten this isn’t a contest between you two? What needs to be done, is to figure out who can provide the best environment for the kids. sit down with a social worker, and go over every little detail. Take your personal feelings out of it.” Exotic-Army4006
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but I don’t think you’re completely in the right either. I’m comfortable calling jerk on your sister. There are some judgments in her statements about your relationship stability and ability to care for children that are out of line. You’re not wrong for standing up for yourself.
But you used the same things she said to you as ammunition to fire back at her, and while I think people should be prepared to get what they give (which is why I don’t think you’re a jerk for what you said to your sister) I do think that it was the wrong call, for your purposes, and probably out of line when it comes to general civility.
Family drama is a trying issue. You’re adding extra stress to an already strained relationship here. Expect flare-ups. Try to mitigate your own. That’s all you can do.” rockology_adam
4. AITJ For Not Wanting My Partner To Get A Dog That Will Impact Our Relationship?
“My partner and I (both 24) have been seeing each other for 6 months. We do not live together and do not plan to shortly because we both love our respective apartments and neighborhoods, we are just happy with the way it is currently.
However, we do spend more time together than on our own (either at his place or mine).
My partner has been wanting a dog for a few years. He lives in a very small one-room apartment (20m2) that, in my sense, isn’t appropriate for a dog long term.
My partner agreed it was not the right time to get a dog as he is not financially stable and that he would reconsider it in a few years.
However, last week, he impulsively contacted a pug breeder to buy one. I’m in a very delicate position: we do not live together, so the decision to get a dog belongs to him.
But we spend most days of the week either at his place or mine, so that decision will ultimately impact me and our relationship. We talked and I expressed my concerns about it, which I think are valid because I’m a human like everyone else and this is a sudden change I was not prepared for:
– I do not want him to bring his dog to my place.
– My partner wants the dog to sleep in his bed. Problem: my partner’s bed is a single bed, we barely fit together so imagine what it would be with a dog…
– I said I wouldn’t take the dog for walks as it is HIS dog and that I, unfortunately, don’t think I am currently emotionally available and have a place in my heart for a dog.
He said he would never expect me to care for the dog but hey, the dog will follow us everywhere and be part of our life. What would happen if I had no feelings towards the dog? This could potentially make my partner sad.
– We have very good intimacy.
But I know him, he’s quite a prude, and having intimacy in front of the dog (since he wants the dog in his bed) will disturb him.
So according to my concerns, this is how I picture what it would be: I would spend more time at his place than at mine and carry a bag of clothes almost every day.
I would have very uncomfortable nights and be tired all the time because the bed is too small to fit two humans and a pug + the pug potentially snoring + my partner having to wake up earlier than he does today to walk the dog early in the morning which ultimately will wake me up.
We also won’t be able to have intimacy because yes, he confirmed it, it would be awkward for him. Wow. What a dream relationship. Makes everyone jealous.
I expressed all of these concerns to him but they were left unanswered. He confirmed the above and decided not to get a dog after signing papers at the breeder’s
He said he would need a few days because it felt like a loss. I think the word loss is important here because it shows he would have considered the dog his baby and it would have been imposed on me against my will. But I feel guilty now that his dream of having a dog can’t come true (for now)
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! All of your concerns are perfectly valid. Also, unless your partner spends sufficient time interacting meaningfully with his dog each day, I think that pug would be lonely. Many people don’t realize that in general, dogs don’t thrive when they are left on their own for long periods each day.
Also, owning a dog is not cheap. Plus you end up scheduling things around your dog’s needs when you are a dog owner, especially a single owner. What I mean is, for example, everyone wants to go out for a drink after work, but you need to rush home to let your dog out to go to the bathroom, take a walk after sleeping all day, etc. Been there.” Robbes_Watch
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – this was the most mature way I’ve seen this situation handled. You took the time to give him legitimate concerns and you made very valid points. Nothing wrong with how this was handled. If anything, let the compromise be that you’ll revisit the dog situation when you live together.” ChiWhiteSox24
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This decision impacts you both and he unilaterally decided on action without your consent. If anything, this is kind of a red flag and it would be a good idea to mark this incident and keep it in mind for if/when he does it again…if he can’t stop making decisions without your input or ignoring your position on things, or how it affects you, it’s time to consider ending it.
I’d consider this incident bad enough to end the relationship on its own. A dog is a serious, major, life-altering decision, and a huge responsibility. He is not considering any of that, and you are gonna get stuck taking care of the dog (or it just won’t get taken care of).
Absolute jerk moves on his part.” Glittering_Lunch_776
3. AITJ For Telling My Dad About My Mom's Surgery?
“My (22F) parents separated messily (not legally divorced yet) about 10 months ago. They now live in different suburbs of the same city.
I am in my senior year of college and live in a different state. Especially since the separation, I am mostly financially and emotionally independent from my parents and I live apart from them year-round, meaning I don’t “come home” for long chunks of time anymore, it’s more like a visit.
They more or less hate each other. I also have a younger sister (20F) who can’t drive and lives at home with my mom.
Anyway, my mom is having surgery in a couple of weeks to remove a benign breast tumor. The recovery will not be complicated but she needs someone to drive her and take care of her and her dogs for a couple of days afterward.
Months ago she asked me if I’d be willing to fly up for about a week to help out and I agreed no problem. I plan to come a night or two before the surgery, have dinner with my dad for one night while I’m in the area, drive her to her surgery, and help out for several days after, leaving her with a clean house and a freezer full of home-cooked food.
So the trouble came when I called my dad a week or so ago to let him know I’d be in town. This is an unusual time of year for me to visit so he asked me why, and I told him about my mom’s surgery.
My parents don’t talk, but when I told my mom I was planning to see him and had told him why I was in town she freaked out and said she felt betrayed by me telling him and then made some passive-aggressive statements about my leaving her “all alone” for a night.
Note that this dinner is happening two days before her surgery, I’ll still come back and sleep at her house, and she never told me I wasn’t allowed to tell my dad, I assumed it would be obvious that I would let him know I was in town.
I apologized to her and said that I wished she’d let me know about this boundary because I had no idea she didn’t want him to know about the surgery, but at the same time, it felt wrong to come to town for almost a whole week and never call him to tell him I’m there.
I said it makes me feel stressed to be pulled between them like this. She ended the call still being upset and then I heard a couple of days later that she’d also told my sister how upset she was about the whole thing.
So now I feel horrible because she seems to be hurt. But at the same time, I feel like she doesn’t understand what a difficult position she put me in by wanting me to secretly come to town without telling my dad but never communicating this to me until it was too late.
I work nearly full time on top of school to support myself and I am taking time off from both work and school to do this for her, which I am happy to do, but it felt obvious that I’d have one dinner with my dad while I’m in town.
She thinks that I should’ve inherently known that this is sensitive personal information that I shouldn’t share. So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, I’d forgive a similar mistake, if it weren’t medical I disagree with everyone calling mom histrionic. It’s a surgery. For a tumor.
Benign or uncomplicated as this is supposed to be, she’s still afraid of the worst. I’ve personally known people who had benign growths taken out and found out it was cancerous. For example, my mom. I had a basic procedure done under anesthesia that most people do awake.
I woke up and found out they biopsied a very unexpected growth, then I had to wait a few weeks to find out what it was. Don’t disclose other people’s private medical information, especially when they are not on speaking terms with the other person and it is a condition requiring actual surgery.
You can tell him you’re in town, especially if your sister is home with your mom, but why are you giving details??” goddessofgummybears
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for disclosing somebody else’s personal medical information to a third party. You should ask beforehand whether they are okay with sharing it, not expect them to tell you that it is not okay.
NTJ for wanting to see your dad, but you could have come up with some random explanation for your visit or just said that your mom needs help with something, but it’s not your place to tell him what it is.” limiz87
Another User Comments:
“YTJ you never tell anyone someone else’s private medical info without that person’s permission. It doesn’t matter that he is your dad and was married to her. You did let her down here. I’m not saying you should not have visited him if you wanted but you should not have shared anything to do with your mum with him.
I don’t care if you just said you have responsibilities you need to attend to as that wouldn’t have been a lie. What gets me is you clearly can’t seem to see your mum should have any privacy nor should she care who knows.
That’s just crap and I’m sure if anyone did it to you then you’d be mad. Yet you’re her child you so betrayed her here and seem to be “Oh woe is me she’s hurt and I don’t know why!“.
You‘re 22 grow up and apologize profusely. Your mum/no one should have to explicitly tell you not to spread my private business to the world. It’s ridiculous you seem to think she should have and it’s her fault.” Sweet-Interview5620
2. AITJ For Not Inviting My Friend As My Plus One To An Old Classmate's Wedding?
“I, (24F) recently got invited to my friend’s wedding. The bride (24F, Mary) and I met when we were in the 3rd grade.
She and I were in the same class so we naturally started a friendship. We went through the rest of elementary school and middle school as friends but grew apart in high school when she moved to another city. We still kept in touch though.
Mary’s husband is her elementary school crush Nati (24M) who I also used to be friends with.
I filled out the RSVP card when I got the invitation and saw I was allowed a plus one. I asked my best friend (24F, Leah) if she would want to be my plus one since she knew the groom and was once friends with him.
She agreed and I wrote her in as my plus one and sent the RSVP back. Yesterday I met up with my friend (24F, Lisa) who also went to elementary school with me, and I mentioned that Mary and Nati were getting married.
She said she saw Mary post the proposal and was so happy for them.
I then said that the wedding was going to be in the fall and that I couldn’t wait to see them. She kind of paused then asked, “*you* got invited?” I was confused about why she was so surprised, but I said yeah and shrugged it off.
She said it was nice of them to invite me, then started talking about how she used to have a huge crush on Nati and how they “almost went out”.
The crush part was true, but they never almost went out. Lisa used to say that her biggest mistake in school was not telling Nati about her feelings.
Nati was a super sweet guy and not too bad looking so I understand where her regret was coming from, but it was weird she was bringing it up now. I changed the subject and we dropped the topic. But a while later, she asked if I had a plus one.
I told her I invited Leah and she said “Are you serious? She doesn’t even know them.”
I pointed out how that wasn’t true that Leah and Nati were friends in middle school, and how they also bumped into each other a few times in college.
She said that’s different and that she wasn’t close with them like she was. Throughout elementary and middle school Lisa never actively hung out with either of them in or outside of school. Just knew them because of their association. I asked her when they got so close and she couldn’t answer me because of “how long ago it happened”, but I already knew she was lying.
I told her I had already RSVP’d and that I would be willing to pass along something at the wedding if she wanted me to. She said no that I should have asked her first to be my plus one, and that Mary was rude for not inviting her even though we all went to the same elementary school.
I said that Mary wasn’t obligated to invite everyone she went to elementary school with to her wedding. Then she got upset saying I was taking Mary’s side and that I was a jerk for not including her as my plus one even though she wanted to go.
I couldn’t handle her anymore and left.
AITJ here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I think we’re seeing why Lisa wouldn’t have been invited, since she’s being so weird about it – and especially about her elementary school crush on Nati. You would be the jerk if you were taking her as your plus one since she seems like she’d get tipsy and make a scene, or maybe confess her undying love for Nati.
Don’t mention the wedding to Lisa again, and I wouldn’t bring up Lisa to Mary and Nati either – they don’t need to hear about this weird conversation unless they ask you something about her.” NapalmAxolotl
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Lisa is being ridiculous and her reason for wanting to be your plus one is sus af – because she wants to go to the wedding herself, not because she feels that she is a closer friend to you than Mary.
She didn’t even seem all that bothered until you said you had been invited?” TeenySod
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. And honestly, she doesn’t sound like a particularly nice person. To throw a fit about not being invited to someone she knew from elementary school’s wedding is insane.
One of my friends from uni got married and I unfortunately didn’t make the guest list (small wedding), but I didn’t throw a fit; then again, I didn’t have a weird obsessive crush on either of the wedding couple.” canyonemoon
1. AITJ For Refusing To Pay Extra For My Friends' Room Upgrade?
“I, female, 25, am in my 1st year of law school. In Aug, I made my way into a friend group of 5 students.
We spent A LOT of time together. 5/6 of us decided to go on a spring break trip to Jamaica. We all agreed to go to an all-inclusive. So expensive, but law school is all consuming and draining, so we wanted a trip that involved very little prep.
2 of the girls, Bailey and Nancy found an Expedia package. 1 room was put on Bailey’s credit card, and the other on mine. Nancy sent a fancy itinerary for the trip. I was shocked and impressed because I thought the whole idea was to avoid having to do that kind of prep work, but I hyped her up and thanked her.
When we got to the hotel, Bailey suggested that the other 2 girls (Amy and Amanda) share a room and she and Nancy take the other. When the 2 person room was ready, Bailey called asking me to send her the receipt. She didn’t give me any details but said the room wasn’t up to par.
I immediately offered to switch rooms. She said they were going to talk to the front desk again, and I said to let me know if I could help. When we saw Bailey and Nancy again, they said the room was switched but that they had to pay more.
Amanda threw out “Oh we should all split the cost of that,” but no one said anything. I figured if Amanda wanted to offer some funds for their room that was her business.
I get this text post-trip: “As we talked about during the trip, we paid an additional $400 for the room.
Everyone agreed that we should split it, so it will be $80 per person.”
On Mon, I pulled Bailey aside. I started by saying that I really appreciated all the work she and Nancy put into the trip, that it was a great time, and that I really valued her friendship, but the $80 made me uncomfortable because it was a lot on an already expensive trip, and I never actually agreed. From her POV, she said that the room issue came up twice – when Amanda said it, and on our 2nd night at dinner, they brought it up again and no one gave an affirmative no, so she and Nancy took that as agreement because she and Nancy had made so many other decisions on the trip, so the same must apply here.
She kept on hitting on how much work she and Nancy put into the trip, and how everyone else wasn’t making decisions. She asked if I didn’t think she deserved a nice room/at least insinuated it. At 1 point she went hard on the point “Amanda offered to split the cost the 1st time because she saw I was annoyed about it, and I thought that was very KIND and CONSIDERATE” (obviously trying to imply that I wasn’t.) She was mad I didn’t bring this up when it was brought up in Jamaica.
I tried to stand for my POV while taking accountability- I acknowledged how much work she and Nancy put in, that I didn’t think they deserved a bad room, and that if I missed the 2nd time payment was brought up that was my bad.
But I think anytime we’re talking about someone’s funds you need affirmative consent.
AITJ for not wanting to pay?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Baily and Nancy got a double rather than a triple room. They did not like their room. They went to the front desk and asked to change rooms. The room cost an extra $400 for the duration of the vacation.
They came back and told you the whole story and then said that you should pay for it. In what world does this make sense.” Right_Bee_9809
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – sounds like you knew what was expected but didn’t want to make it awkward by speaking up at the time.
You are perfectly entitled to not want to pay for a room upgrade for someone else… but you should have made that clear before they booked it. Although if I was your friend I wouldn’t be expecting you to pay for that. At least it’s $80 and not $800.” jimbob19304
