People Present Us With Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
16. AITJ For Leaving My Friend Group Chat When One Of Them Didn't Invite Me To Their Wedding?
“I, 23F, am being called petty and immature for trying to leave my friends’ group chat after my feelings were hurt.
I have a very large friend group that hangs out altogether a couple of times a year. We have a large group chat which we use regularly to share memories and photos.
As I mentioned, it’s a very large group, about 18 people.
As such, obviously, we aren’t all equally close. Some of the connections between people in the group are mainly mutual friends. However, we do all generally go to the same parties.
Well, one of the people in this group was getting married and although we’ve known each other for a couple of years now, I’m not close friends with her.
I suspected I wouldn’t get an invite to her wedding because she said it was more of a low-key event and I knew she didn’t have a lot to spend on it.
When it came time to send out her invitations, I received a call from one of our mutual friends whom we are both close with.
My friend wanted to tell me that the bride felt really awful about it but that she couldn’t invite me to the wedding because of limited space. I immediately reached out to her and let her know that there were no hard feelings and that weddings were stressful enough.
I did feel a little bad about not being invited but I also assumed that there were other people in our friend group receiving similar calls.
Well as it turned out, I was completely wrong. This weekend my group chat blew up with pictures from the wedding and while I was looking through them I realized that I had been the only one who didn’t receive an invite.
What was worse was that everyone who had a SO has gotten a plus one; even my friend who had started seeing his partner AFTER I was told they couldn’t invite me.
I was so embarrassed. I’ve been very insecure about friendships the majority of my life because I’ve had multiple people “upgrade” to someone more popular than me.
So I suppose because of this I got upset and decided I didn’t want to be a part of the entire group anymore and I left the group chat.
That’s when my friends started reaching out to me asking why I had left. Some of them were understanding but my best friend told me that it looks really bratty and petty.
Now I’m feeling bad because I really didn’t want to put a damper on their wedding joy, but being excluded really hurt my feelings. So now I’m worrying. Am I in the wrong?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – but you’ve experienced firsthand why most “very large friend groups” don’t last.
Once a group of people exceeds a certain size, people stop treating each other as individuals and start acting as part of “the group.” It works just fine when you’re all in a common situation with common challenges – school, for example, which is where most of these ill-fated groups form.
However, once that binding agent is gone, people start forming hierarchies and cliques, people begin gossiping about each other, and inevitably, someone is the least-liked person in the group. That person tends to get excluded from things until finally, they decide that the group isn’t worth it.
At that point, your decision to leave the group is seen as a judgment against the worthiness of the group, which then prompts the rest of the group to act baffled and hurt as to why anyone would choose to leave the group.” Biokabe
Another User Comments:
“I’m going against everyone to say nobody is the jerk here. You admitted yourself that you were not close to this girl. A wedding isn’t a random party. It’s a celebration of the marriage of 2 people.
Weddings are also expensive and complicated. You have to compromise with your fiancé and parents/in-laws in making the guest list because venues have capacity limits and people have set budgets. I had to take out some of my distant friends from the list so my fiancé could invite his aunts and uncles.
It’s not personal, it just happens.
If you weren’t close to this person and didn’t talk to her, I’m not sure why you expected to be invited to her wedding. Maybe the other 17 people are actual friends with the bride.
Regarding the plus ones, it’s common to provide a plus one to people in relationships.
I don’t think this girl probably pulled out the group chat list when making her guest list. She probably wrote down a list of her friends and their SOs and you just didn’t happen to be on the list. I am in large group chats and I don’t even know everyone in the chat sometimes.
It’s hard to draw a bright line on wedding guest lists but many people only want to invite people (and their SOs) which whom they have a close relationship with.
However, you have a right to feel hurt and not want to hang out with the rest of them.
But, if you ever plan your own wedding down the line, I think you might end up forgiving this person eventually because weddings are hard to plan and with every decision you make, someone won’t be happy.” wowIamMean
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ.
You said you weren’t close to the bride. That’s kind of the beginning and end of the story.
I understand it looks like a party and your friends were there, but to them, it was more than just a party.
Yes, one of your friends could have brought you as a +1, but that means they would have not brought their own SO.
I get that it’s not fun but it’s not worth burning bridges with the whole group.
It was the bride’s choice and it seems reasonable enough given you aren’t close; yes it would be more considerate to include you but I’m sure she had to exclude many people.
This was a huge day for her and it really wasn’t about you at all. Again. You aren’t close.
You aren’t mad that you didn’t go to her wedding.
You are upset that your friends went and you didn’t.
The boss move here is to send her congratulations or a card and say that it looked beautiful.” OLAZ3000
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. DROP THEM ALL. 17 out of 18, you being the only one to not get invited and they all got plus ones. THEN THEY POST ALL THE PICTURES IN SAID GROUP CHAT knowing you were the only one excluded. They are calling you names cause your action of standing up for yourself made them feel like crap about their absolutely crappy behavior and are trying to make you the victim take the blame.
Screw every last one of them. Your “best friend” is nothing but a piece of crap as well. Not a single one of these “friends” reached out to you when it was clear you were the only one excluded and the mother freaking bride didn’t even have the balls to not invite you herself, so she sent someone else to do her dirty work of telling you she had “limited space.” Screw all this noise.
DROP ALL OF THEM cause you deserve better.” freddy2677
15. AITJ For Refusing To Take The Next Elevator For A Mom With 7 Kids?
Being a parent of seven is hard, but that doesn’t make it everyone else’s fault.
“A neighbor of mine has 7 children, and they are all under the age of 9.
I have seen her many times, and she always demands people take the next elevator because “she has kids who need to get home.” She has physically shoved into the elevators and forced people out, including my elderly father.
I was on my way home from work – I take public transit – and she was on the bus with all kids.
They were screaming and running up and down the aisle; basically making such a scene that the driver asked her to have the kids sit down before they get hurt. Sure enough, one of the kids was spinning around one of the poles and bumped her head as we were going over the train tracks near my place and started screaming.
She looked like she was physically okay, no b***d, not even a red mark, but she screeched the rest of the ride to the building.
I was first in the building and hit the elevator button. She came in with her double stroller and her gaggle of children running around her as I stepped into the elevator and held the door for her.
She told me that I would have to get out and wait for the next one. I said, “excuse me?” She heavy sighed at me and said “my stroller won’t fit in with you in here. Get out and take the next one.” I refused, saying I would make myself as tiny as I could, but I was staying in the elevator.
She became irate, pointed at her kids, and said “do you see what I’m dealing with here?!” I said I understood that it was overwhelming, but I had worked a long day and I needed to get home. I said, “in or out, because I’m going now.” She pulled her stroller and kids out, calling me a jerk the entire time.
A few people were waiting behind her and got in with me. Two began thanking me for standing up to her because she does this “all the time,” but the other one called me a jerk for not being sympathetic to her situation.
I don’t think people should have to make constant accommodations for people just because they have kids, especially when they’re rude and demanding. But AITJ here?
EDIT: People are concerned with the way that this woman has treated my father.
She did not physically touch him. He was in the elevator and she pushed her stroller in, waved her arms and yelled at him to get out several times. Because he’s hearing impaired, he was very confused and only knew that she was yelling at him and he got off the elevator.
HAD she put her hands on him, charges would have been filed.”
Another User Comments:
“Unpopular opinion: ESH, everyone sucks here. She was a bit rude and seemingly entitled, but come on man. Why does everyone hate children now? Whatever happened to empathy?
Is it necessary to be nice to others? No, but you get what you give.
I’m going to bet the people saying you aren’t a jerk don’t have kids. It’s a lot and it’s harder than you can imagine. That poor woman.
Even if it is her choice, and she wasn’t brainwashed at a young age by the church that women exist to breed; her life is hard.
Be excellent to each other dude.” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“Unfortunately there is an accepted bias towards parents in Western society.
Parents having the pick of holidays/time off etc.
I disagree with this attitude in general. My choices in life should have no effect on the lives of others but in the case of a parent, their life choices are expected to overrule others and most certainly have an effect on other’s lives.
I’m sorry that you’re life choice limits you but I’m not letting you have all the ‘good’ time off. Summer, Easter, Xmas, etc. Companies have tried to punish me in the past because I don’t allow my colleagues with children to have priority.
My life shouldn’t have an effect on yours and vice versa.” fantastic-mr-fox123
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Herding my singleton fiddly pokey inquisitive rambunctious toddler from one place to another can leave me absolutely spent.
She gets into stuff and has to be bodily moved out of people’s way, which is developmentally appropriate.
(Everything is fascinating when you are 3, so 3s freeze and stare and amble.)
The idea of herding NINE kids on transit and then into an elevator makes me want to jump out a window. OMGGGGGGG.
Anyways, what it comes down to is common courtesy.
It’s not appropriate to make rude comments about family size, and we should extend tolerance to parents who are managing their kids as best they can. Sometimes you do your best and your progeny acts like crapbirds anyway lol.
However, parenting isn’t a free pass to abandon all courtesy.
I am obligated to manage my kid and keep her out of trouble. There’s an obligation to try.
This mom doesn’t get to bounce people from elevators or let them run wild in transit. There are reasonable limits to the tolerance of the general public.
Kids being a bit pokey or needing a reminder about indoor voices? Reasonable and developmentally appropriate, give the parents some grace. Kids endangering others or being a big nuisance? That suuuuuucks the parents are not doing the work.
And ultimately, it’s nice to offer to let a parent herding kids to go on ahead of you on an elevator, but demanding it is not ok.” rotatingruhnama
14. AITJ For Hosting A Fundraiser After My Daughter's Friend Was Kicked Out By Her Parents?
“My youngest daughter is a senior in high school. One of her best friends, Lily, just turned 18 as the school year was starting, and her parents kicked her out of the house that same day.
My daughter told me she was sleeping on different friends’ couches and talking about dropping out to work a job.
So my family took her in so she could finish school. I just can’t imagine a parent kicking their kid out like that.
So, after we did that, my daughter and Lily decided to have a community barbecue / bake sale to fundraise finances to cover food and housing expenses.
It wasn’t anything I ever asked for but the girls wanted to do something to contribute to groceries and Bills.
The girls made flyers and little promos for social media and they were pretty straightforward about what was going on.
They said “Community barbecue / Fundraiser for Lily” and a note from Lily saying, “As you may know, my parents kicked me out of the house and cut off any financial support on my 18th birthday, leaving me homeless with no change or car.
The “Smiths” gave me a home, expecting nothing in return except that I stay in school and graduate. I wanted to do something to give back and pay my own way!”
Anyway, I shared that on social media and so did the girls and a lot of their friends at school.
The barbecue was a huge success, almost all of our neighbors came by, and so many kids from my daughter’s school, and a lot of our family and family friends. The girls ended up raising several thousand dollars which I ended up putting in an education fund for Lily, where I’m also putting stuff like the pay she gives me from her job ‘for groceries’ and stuff like that.
I’m planning on surprising her with it closer to graduation.
Anyway, Lily’s “parents” are irate, they saw that I posted the flyer on a community social media page, and most everyone in town saw it. I got a call from her dad screaming into the phone at me for ‘slandering’ their family online.
Which I felt like was such bullcrap.
I told him to either buck up and act like a parent ought to, or lose my number. He started yelling on the phone again, so I hung up and blocked his number.
Then I got a bunch of calls from another number, it was Lily’s mom, getting angry at me about how “I don’t know what she and her husband have been through, and it was trashy of me to be begging the whole town for donations and acting like it was their fault.”
I was like “Well, it was your fault?” and she got so angry and said that she and her husband had given their daughter “everything” and she was “ungrateful” which I feel is BS because they ain’t even giving her a roof over her head.”
Another User Comments:
“This is their problem. Not your problem. They kicked an eighteen-year-old out of their house, which a lot of people aren’t going to be okay with, but she is still in high school. Most people aren’t going to be fine with that.
I’m not fine with that. I would be judging these people. They’re mad, everyone knows but that’s a risk you take when you’re a bad actor about something.
If Lily was destroying their home, then I might let it slide, but she’s giving you grocery pay from her job and organized a fundraiser to help pay her way.
It’s possible she didn’t gel with her parents but I’m leaning towards it being the parents.
I see this happening all the time. Parents act like their teenager is a monster when really it’s that the teenager doesn’t want to be treated like a borderline slave anymore or develops interests that aren’t feeding the parents’ need for attention and the parents do what these parents did.
NTJ. You didn’t even throw the fundraiser, it was your daughter and Lily.” slendermanismydad
Another User Comments:
“Ytj for airing another family’s dirty laundry without even knowing the whole story. To this day, my sister will tell anyone who will listen that i “kicked her out and made her homeless” after i let her stay with me at 18.
I told her when she moved in that her criminal ex was not allowed in my home. If she wanted to stay with me, she needed to follow the rules. After the third time she snuck him in and after two warnings telling her if she didn’t stop she wouldn’t be able to stay, I told her she had to find somewhere else.
She knew the boundaries, she knew the consequences, and she broke them anyway, but you bet all her friends thought I was satan because of how she played it off.” stseomfs
Another User Comments:
“Don’t want to be slandered? Maybe then don’t kick your own flesh and b***d out the moment they become an “adult” with zero resources.
NTJ.
Her parents literally gave her the bare minimum required of being a parent which was raising them to adulthood with food/shelter/clothing but clearly they didn’t care about her at all because they wouldn’t even house her long enough to finish her degree.
It always makes me laugh that parents call their children “ungrateful” for doing the things legally required of them for bringing a life into the world. If you didn’t want to give kids food/clothing/shelter, don’t give birth to them?” The-Moocat
Another User Comments:
“I volunteered for our district’s alternative hs last year. I came in on a very cold, wet day in March (this is Wisconsin so when I say cold and wet, I mean slush everywhere, not just rain, and the temps were around freezing), and there was a freshly 18 year old sitting, soaking wet in the office.
One of the teachers came out and told me he turned 18 that day and his parents dropped him off at the freaking police station at around 3 in the morning and told him he wasn’t welcomed back home. His shoes were so full of holes and the bottoms falling off, so the teacher was scrambling to find him a place to go AND get him in dry, warm clothes and new shoes.
As a mom of 5 neurodivergent kids, one with some pretty significant behavioral stuff we’ve worked through with him for 12 years, my heart absolutely broke for him, regardless of his behavior. What’s worse is since he’s an adult, there are so few resources for him.
Parents should be legally responsible for their children till they finish high school. You are NTJ on so many levels. Her parents should be ashamed of themselves.” foundyour2cents
13. AITJ For Calling The Police On My Neighbor?
“I(40F) am unmarried, no kids. My sister (45F) is married with 3 kids and bought a house about 3-4 years ago in the “Super Nice” suburb of town.
It’s a great area – lots of parks, trails, with a really good school system. I found and bought a house in the same neighborhood. I loved it for the size of the yards, great for my dogs. Love I can now walk or jog to all the trails and the local lake.
It is, however, very suburban and most of the people here have families, making me a little bit of an outlier. I’m fine with that, I don’t really care.
I live in the house by myself. Neighbors have been nice but most of them hang out with each other and have play dates with the kids.
There are neighborhood BBQs that I have been to.
So a week ago I am watching TV at home (around 9 pm), and all of a sudden my dogs start going crazy. My doorbell rings multiple times, and then rapid knocking.
I jump off my couch, look at my Ring doorbell and it’s a stranger, male, knocking on my door. I have no idea who he is, and he just keeps knocking on my door. My dogs are freaking out. So I called the cops.
He goes away after about 5-7 minutes, the cops show up 20mins later. I show them the video, they told me they know who it is (wouldn’t tell me), and then left.
The next day I get a phone call from my sister.
She’s super mad that I “called the cops on Dave” and how could I do that in this community. I’m confused…who is Dave? Oh it’s apparently the local neighborhood watch guy and school teacher, and he thought I was driving too fast down the street and wanted to talk with me.
I was flabbergasted – 1) There’s no way to drive fast in this neighborhood, there are stop signs everywhere, cops everywhere (they have their own police force), and there are speed bumps every 2 blocks. 2) Why didn’t he call/text/email before knocking on the door at 9 pm on anyone’s house, much less a single woman at home?
Sister said that my reaction was totally over the top and, “You don’t live in the hood anymore. People visit other people.”
I stand by my right to be safe and not get harassed by the neighbor. Sister is livid because there was no danger whatsoever, and apparently, this was the discussion at the recent PTA meeting, and since I wasn’t there (why would I go to a PTA meeting), she was charged with “defending” me and now she looks bad by association.
She also brought up that I walk my dogs “without a bra on” all the time, and that’s just not good (W*F).
She wants me to reach out to Dave and apologize and say that I am absolutely sorry for calling the cops AND driving fast. She told me that I needed to play nice with the neighbors unless I wanted to be moving in a year.
Maybe I did overreact, but I am just so annoyed that I don’t want to do anything related to that, and maybe that makes me the jerk.
Thoughts?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
As a single woman in my 40s (and bearing in mind that I was an absolute heckraising jerk in my younger days), I would be TERRIFIED if some random guy started ringing my doorbell repeatedly and knocking on my door at 9 PM (or frankly, any time of the day or night – that’s really freaking aggressive – but especially later in the evening when I’m hanging out quietly by myself).
And finding out who he was, and that he was ostensibly liked around the neighborhood wouldn’t necessarily make me feel better. Lots of well-liked men turn out to be problematic (hi, Ted Bundy).
Let’s be clear: you didn’t do anything.
You say that you haven’t actually been breaking speed limits, and there are lots of cops and none of them (whose job it actually is) have stopped you. Neighbourhood Watch is a wonderful program for CRIME . . . but you haven’t done anything criminal, and Dave is overstepping MASSIVELY by harassing a homeowner in your own home over something like this.
You don’t owe him or anyone else an apology, but the cops should be having a talk with him about his power-hungry behavior, and overstepping appropriate limitations with Neighbourhood Watch.
And if things like this are going to be discussed, it should happen at neighborhood meetings with plenty of warning, not PTA, where no one without kids is going to be.
And what about people whose kids are in private school? The whole thing is ridiculous.
You are NTJ, and I’m sorry you were harassed like that.” FoolMe1nceShameOnU
Another User Comments:
“Esh. Your sister is obviously one for saying these things to you.
Dave is for coming over on 9 pm, this could have waited. On the other hand – and I’m saying this as someone who lives in a very safe country so I might be biased – you could have used your video/audio bell thingy to ask what he wanted. You didn’t have to open the door but assuming you had lights on + the dogs were barking he knew you were home.
I am female so I get safety concerns and you shouldn’t open the door if you don’t feel safe. But this situation could have been handled with the audio function on your doorbell: “who are you? You are Dave from school?
Okay, Dave, we can talk tomorrow”. If he didn’t leave after that: call the cops.” EntertainmentOk6284
Another User Comments:
“I think that calling the cops because someone knocked on your door – even for 5 minutes – is a bit over the top, frankly.
Explainable by a woman alone in house but not exactly justifiable. (In some situations this could be dangerous too).
However, the harassment that you and your sister have received from the ‘community’ is really too much as well. A discussion at the PTA?!
Making your sister responsible for you? I am hearing Harper Valley PTA play in my head.
Also, who is so fixated on your chest? What does this even mean, walking without a bra? Sounds like the neighborhood is full of busybodies.
You do not have to apologize to Dave, all cap in hand… Neither does he have to apologize to you, unless he assaulted your front door. If Dave is known to the cops as the Neighborhood Watch coordinator then his reputation is intact.
Ignore them all as you should have ignored the door.
ESH.” violetrosesnyc
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
When I was going to grad school some dude would ring my apartment doorbell at 3 am trying to get me to open the door, like “wanna buy a car stereo.” Sure I want to buy a probably stolen car stereo from the person who doesn’t live in the complex but comes over in the middle of the night, and who has shown my neighbor his crack pipe.
Eventually, it escalated to him climbing a 5-ft wall onto my porch. The police dispatcher scolded me for cussing because there was a dude on my porch and why would he be there if not to break in?
So I told them they could send officers or send the coroner because if he got in I’d kill him.
Then I parted the patio blinds with the biggest knife I had and asked him if he wanted to die. (Probably helped that it was 3 am, I was in my undergarments, and I looked insane.)
He never came back.
I mean, you could totally do something like that and then I guarantee they’ll leave you the heck alone.
Plus as a bonus, it’d embarrass your gossipy sister.
That would make you TA, but what a way to make a statement.” User
12. AITJ For Refusing To Remove A Plant In My Yard For The Sake Of My Neighbor's Daughter?
Maybe they should move?
“I don’t think I’m the jerk, but I am open to other Points Of View. When my neighborhood was built, it pretty much ruined the natural flora and fauna.
I’m no botanist, but existing farmland, trees cut down, all green gone, animals gone. The soil is useless hard clay. I hate it, but It Is What It Is. Anyway. My backyard is big, and I hate lawns. I built a subsistence farm and converted the front yard into clover.
While the clover was not in direct violation of the HOA rules, it was frowned upon, by the concerned looks from neighbors and the cars slowing down by my house. I don’t really care. Everyone violates rules here.
To try to mitigate some of the damage done, I do everything I can to attract pollinators, especially bees and birds.
I planted a whole ton of honeysuckle. From training and soil fortification, it has taken off. The smell and the vines, the hummingbirds and the bees, listening to them when they come around are heaven for me.
Dear Husband and I are respectful, introverted neighbors.
We only socialize if our kids force us to.
Old neighbors didn’t care. New neighbors (NNs) move in with two kids. About three months later, New Neighbor’s wife knocks at my door. She introduces herself and tells me all about her and her family (unsolicited, by the w).
While talking, she looks at the honeysuckle draped over my porch.
New Neighbor wife, Out Of The Blue, “you know, New Neighbor husband could help your Dear Husband take all those vines down.”
What the fudge? Me: “Why?”
New Neighbor’s wife “because it’s honeysuckle.
Honeysuckle attracts bees.”
Me: “Yes ma’am. I planted it for that reason. And the hummingbirds.” New Neighbor’s wife: “You want bees in your yard?”
Me: “Yes ma’am. And birds. They’re important for fertilizing this area. I’m pretty proud of the progress.”
Obviously, everything I say from this point on is making her uncomfortable. But… my porch and my yard and she invited herself on it to talk to me like this.
New Neighbor’s wife: “Well, New Neighbor’s daughter is deathly allergic to bees.
We have to travel everywhere with an Epi-pen. You have to stop attracting bees to your yard.”
Me: “Ma’am, I am sorry to hear about New Neighbor’s daughter’s situation, but no ma’am. The world is filled with bees, and wrecking the vegetation in my yard to possibly prevent bees from coming near here is futile.” Yep really said that.
New Neighbor’s wife stated that if New Neighbor’s daughter gets stung she could die and it’ll be my fault. New Neighbor wife tells me how having weeds in my lawn is unkempt and lazy and New Neighbor’s wife’ll be talking to the HOA to report me.
Me: “You’d best run on home fast before a bee starts chasing you.”
Dear Husband thinks I could have been nicer, but to be fair, he doesn’t care about the clover or the honeysuckle. He does worry they could have a legal case against us should New Neighbor’s daughter get stung near our house.
I have not talked to a lawyer, but surely I can’t be sued for not harnessing bees?
No fence, per the HOA. Maybe “Beware of bees” signs at the edge of our yard? Slightly concerned that New Neighbor’s wife may ‘help’ us trim the honeysuckle (nowhere near New Neighbor’s wife’s yard).
Thank God I Work From Home and we have cameras all around. For What It’s Worth, New Neighbor’s wife’s house is about 300′ away. So, AITJ?
Other edits:
The honeysuckle was literally dug up from one location in the southwest of a southeastern state in the US and moved to the southeast of that same state, not two hours away.
I didn’t buy it online to take over the world. I promise.
The same exact honeysuckle is growing on fences and sides of houses not 5 miles from my house I live in now. I’m not introducing something that isn’t already here and I’m not letting it encroach anywhere near land that’s not ours.
Thanks for your concern.”
Another User Comments:
“As someone who is deathly allergic to bees, I can see how it would be of concern to her. I keep my epi-pen with me constantly and am always terrified of getting stung and I’m a 32-year-old woman.
I’m sure she’s very fearful of her daughter playing in the yard and getting stung. I don’t think you’re taking into account how serious it could be if this child got stung by your bees. Fearing letting your kid play outside because the neighbors have bees everywhere and it could quite literally kill would definitely be stressful.
BUT that being said, if the child’s bee allergy is so serious, they should be looking at what the neighborhood looks like, especially immediate neighbors. I would never buy the house next to yours (though I’m sure you’re a lovely human) for my safety due to your bees.
It sounds like this would have been pretty obvious for them to see when looking at the house and before closing.
So, I can understand the neighbors’ worry but they should have done due diligence before moving in, and overall, you’re NTJ.” Nerdy-by-nature829
Another User Comments:
“I get where you’re coming from with wanting to attract pollinators but my heart goes out to your neighbors. You seem distinctly lacking in human empathy, I can only presume you’ve never known anyone die from a bee sting.
I have and it’s horrible. Despite having an EpiPen and living in an urban area, they still couldn’t get him to the hospital quickly enough to save his life.
Having a child who is allergic to bee stings is a constant worry and, I accept, a risk everywhere you go but to find your next-door neighbor is deliberately increasing this risk as much as possible while coming across as extremely patronizing is a horrendous situation to be in.
I really hope it’s just ignorance on your part, otherwise YTJ.” HomeworkCool7313
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Bees gonna bee, and good on you for working to help them.
But as someone in the SE US, we have honeysuckle growing everywhere and…it’s not the native kind, it’s the invasive kind.
There are two kinds, and the kind I grew up with, that is also behind my current house, that you see everywhere, is the invasive kind.
Coming from someone who moved into a house with: English ivy, g*******e, Chinese wisteria (the invasive kind, not native), Amur honeysuckle (again, the invasive kind, coral/trumpet honeysuckle is the native kind where I am), Bradford pear tree planted by the developer long before my time, mimosa trees (invasive), and I know I’m forgetting another invasive vine or two, to the point where my yard is just….trees covered in vines that we are slowly waging war against, as much as we can because it’s also the neighbors, please, please, please look into native plants for your area.
You will get even more bees and birds and butterflies and all sorts of other pollinators if you plant native. I’m in a fb group for my state for my own info, but I’m sure there are more.
My yard smells great in the spring.
But I have literal feet of vines that are on top of each other. I have a tree bowing down from a heavy rain this spring because it can’t breathe from the vines, and I can’t afford a trimmer for the vines that I can’t reach yet.
Especially if you’re in a new development, look to the long term. If I’d been in this house when it was built I would have gone scorched earth with herbicide and started a new, and that’s coming from an organic gardener.” Awesomest_Possumest
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Their daughter’s allergy is their responsibility to manage. Bees play an important role and you are doing good for your community!
Anyway, why would a bee enjoying some nice honeysuckle over in your yard have any reason to pop over to the plant-and-wildlife-hating neighbors’ place to randomly sting a child?
Have they ever met a bee?” Reddit user
11. AITJ For Giving My Mom "Scraps" For Her Birthday?
“My fiancee, “Diane,” and I have been together for almost a decade.
I met her in my second year of uni and it’s been fantastic ever since. She’s lovely and I cannot wait to marry her.
For most of our relationship, my mum hated Diane for no reason. My mum would harass my fiancee, call her the most disgusting names, and act like a teenage bully.
It got so bad that I stopped speaking to my mum for years because of it.
About two years ago, my mum apologized for treating Diane poorly and wanted to “welcome her into the family.” It was rather unexpected. My mum never explained herself, only apologized for her past actions.
Diane and I have accepted her apology, but my relationship with my mum has never quite been the same. I still keep her at a distance because even if she did apologize, she did cause me a lot of pain.
Diane and my mum share a birthday. It’s not a big deal, but my mum acts as if it is the biggest deal on Earth. She used to turn her birthday into a competition of who “gets the better gift.” It was exhausting and was one of the reasons I stopped talking to her.
Since her apology, her behavior surrounding her birthday has not been as extreme but still a little passive-aggressive.
My mum and Diane’s birthday was a few months ago. We couldn’t celebrate my mum’s birthday the day of, but I took her out for a relaxing spa day and dinner at an upscale restaurant.
For Diane’s birthday, we celebrated with a romantic week in Paris where I proposed. We had an amazing time and I’m so glad I can finally call her my fiancee. Diane is happy and I’m happy.
My mum did not say anything about our proposal but I assumed that she was happy for us, or at least neutral. A few days ago, I got a call from her.
She was crying. She was screaming names at me, calling me a terrible son, and wishing me a terrible marriage. My mum told me that she felt “neglected” on her birthday and it was “unfair” that Diane got a romantic vacation and expensive ring while she was left with “scraps.”
I thought that this was ridiculous and I told my mum that she should be grateful for her “scraps” and stop acting like a spoiled child. She did not take kindly to my words and cursed me out more before hanging up.
Diane thinks I should have handled the situation with a bit more tact as to avoid causing my mum more emotional distress.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your mom needs therapy. Lots of it. This sounds like emotional i****t on her part and will continue unless you give her very firm boundaries.
It’s unfortunate that they share a birthday. She’s turning it into a competition. Going forward I’d give her a card and nothing else on special occasions until she learns to control herself. Not even “scraps”. Just a big fat nothing.
My mom and I don’t have the greatest relationship. There were years of no contact because of her saying crap that wasn’t appropriate. I held firm on not speaking until she could act like a normal adult. It sucks (and hurts) when you have a parent like this.
Therapy for you might be a good thing also just so you can unburden yourself to someone unbiased that can help you navigate through any guilt you may have (which I’m assuming you do have some guilt at least since you’re asking us if you’re the jerk).
Good luck with your mother. Congratulations on your engagement.” Short-Classroom2559
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mom is making it a competition between herself and Diane for your affection. My guess is that the reason why she apologized was because someone pointed out that she was going to lose out on the relationship with you entirely if she didn’t.
I understand Diane’s point of view, but with someone like that, with her motivations, there is absolutely no way to avoid causing her emotional distress, because she’s actually the one who sets up the situation.
I would be straight with her and tell her that you don’t need this drama and you’re willing to go NC with her again (if you are).
I mean, come on. Your mother’s main complaint is that she was neglected on the day of her birthday, even though you took her out to a spa day and dinner beforehand? I bet if she’s complaining to any other mothers, they’re laughing at her.” debegray
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mom needs professional help because the emotional burden she is foisting upon you is incredible.
First of all, those “scraps” sound amazing. And any kind of bucks to bucks (or whichever currency applies to where you are) comparison of gifts is gross.
It’s full-stop ugly behavior.
Second, if it’s a contest between your mother and your soon-to-be spouse…spouse wins. Every time.
Third, what she’s doing is unhealthy and would be a good reason to just limit contact altogether. She clearly recognized a few years ago that antagonizing Diane doesn’t net her what she wants (a closer relationship with you), but old habits die hard I guess.
Realistically, she’s not likely to change.” raesayshey
10. AITJ For Refusing To Get A Tattoo Of My Late Niece?
“So a while ago my sister (“Mary,” 30F) lost her infant daughter. As a way to cope with her grief, she’s decided to get a very large, photorealistic tattoo of the baby, and she’s requested that everyone in our immediate family (my mum, my dad, my brother, and me) do the same thing as a way to show support in this difficult time.
Now, of course, the loss of the baby is a complete tragedy and I want to help Mary however I can – we’ve never gotten along, to be honest, but I recognize this is more important than our bad relationship – but I simply can’t go through with the tattoo thing.
For starters, I have a phobia of needles, and as I said the tattoo is VERY LARGE so it’s going to take several hours, if not several sessions, for sure. Secondly, Mary added some religious imagery to the design (she’s a devout Catholic), and being an atheist – due to childhood trauma reasons that are neither here nor there – I simply do not feel comfortable having that on me.
Lastly, my personal finances are not the best at the moment, and Mary expects us to pay out of pocket for the tattoo, which would cost more than I can afford.
The baby was named after a flower (think something like “Rose”), so I offered to get a small bouquet of that flower tattooed instead, as a way to still honor the baby and support Mary without having to get the large, expensive tattoo.
Mary wasn’t OK with this; in fact, she was very upset and called me selfish, saying that as a grieving mum her feelings have priority over mine and her baby was a beautiful little girl so I should feel privileged to have the tattoo and that I’m a horrible human being for arguing with her while she’s mourning her child.
Of course, I understand her point of view, but I also don’t feel like her loss, terrible as it is, gives her any right or say over my body.
I discussed this with other people and reactions were … mixed. My mum and dad think that it’s not wrong to not want the tattoo – they confessed they don’t want it either but are going to get it regardless – but that I should do it anyway to keep the peace and for Mary’s sake.
My bro supports me fully. Others think I’m a witch and a terrible sister. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for so many reasons, the main one being that why the heck would you want a picture of someone else’s child tattooed on you?
And expecting you to foot the bill? Absurd. Her offering to pay for a small inking of her name or birthdate is more within the realms of reasonable, but still only if it’s something the person getting the tattoo 100% wants.
Tattoos are a very personal experience, especially a photo-realistic portrait – and it’s a permanent medical procedure. It’s very sad she had to experience this but what she’s asking of you & your family is absolutely ridiculous and not okay.
Your body is not a canvas for her to paint her grief upon.” Overall_Stay5904
Another User Comments:
“Definitely NTJ. It is never okay to demand that a person modify their own body (or even cut or dye their hair)!
Your sister is grieving a horrible loss, and, that is still not an excuse to behave like a tyrannical spoiled brat. If she pushes everyone away following her loss by being nasty to them, then that is 100% on her.
If you would like the flower tattoo, get that, but make sure it is genuinely your choice.
Edit: Also not okay to demand that a person display religious imagery on their body that they don’t believe in.” Able_Praline807
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
One, a small tattoo the size of a palm can run up to 120 American dollars.
I would know, I have one that is colored in but isn’t complex.
Two, it’s narcissistic to force/guilt people into getting a tattoo. It’s a personal thing that will be on your body that you have to see daily.
I have a tattoo for my Grandfather who passed that is something special about our relationship and I want some more for other family members that died when I was younger. But forcing a ‘special symbol’ on multiple people that don’t want it and want them to pay for it themselves is crazy.
Three, I have a phobia of needles and it took a lot for me to sit down in the chair to start the first session of the tattoo and then come back for the color. I didn’t have a panic attack because of my family, but some people have it worse than me.
She isn’t taking OP’s personal fears (and religious beliefs) into consideration and wants it to be about her and her grief.
I won’t be surprised if she doesn’t go through with the tattoo if it is as detailed and big as the OP said.
I’m also guessing it’s going on the upper arm or back, where there is a lot of nerves.” MaleficientBasil4
9. AITJ For Refusing To Go Outside To See My Husband's Family When They Randomly Showed Up?
“My (26F) husband (26) and I have been married for almost 2 years.
His family is a very close-knit group and although they are very kind and giving, it can also be overbearing IMO. I grew up very differently, my family isn’t near as close or overbearing.
Well, his family likes to show up to our house unannounced. This usually happens about once a month and it’s usually on a Sunday.
I personally find this very rude, to show up to someone’s house whenever you want and not say anything to them. On Sundays I don’t usually get ready, the house is a wreck, I don’t have makeup on, I don’t fix my hair, because it’s my day to relax.
So when they just show up, I have to fly through my butt to get dressed, run a brush through my hair, etc. It’s his dad, mom, and sister; and I don’t want to look like a bjerk in front of them.
I’m also not that comfortable with them, maybe it’s because I grew up differently.
Recently, I stopped doing that. I just don’t even go outside to say hi anymore because I simply don’t want to. I don’t want to fly through my a*s, I don’t want to see them, I didn’t know or ask them to come over so I don’t want to go out of my way to say hi for 20 seconds.
This may make me a jerk, but I feel like it’s not that hard to tell me you’re coming over. Just give us a heads up so I can get ready.
The most recent time they had set up a little gift on our front porch.
I had stayed inside because, well, they showed up unannounced and I was taking a nap. My husband went outside to thank them, say hello, etc. His mom asked where I was and when he told her I was napping and not dressed she told him to tell me to get dressed and come outside because this gift was for me.
So, I did. I got dressed went outside, and thanked them profusely but I could tell his mom was upset with me.
My husband thinks I’m being rude, but I think it’s his family that is rude. It’s rude to show up unannounced to someone’s home whether you have a gift for them or not.
All I’m asking is for is a heads-up that they are coming. I’m not ungrateful for the random gifts, I think they are nice and his family is very sweet. However, I didn’t ask for any of that, I like my space.
My husband says he doesn’t know how to tell them that without sounding ungrateful, but I feel like they are crossing a boundary here.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your problem is your husband, more than your in-laws.
He knows it bothers you and yet refuses to talk to his parents.
It is RUDE to show up to a place unannounced, especially these days when it is so darn easy. It’s not like it was before cell phones were ubiquitous when people were already out doing errands and couldn’t call.
There are 3 cell phones in that car, with 2 people besides the driver who can even use voice to type. Ultimately, it is because they feel they can because of “fAmILy.”
The husband must put his foot down, first by talking to them clearly that they MUST call ahead.
And when they refuse to or “forget,” send them away.
It doesn’t matter that they “don’t mind” waiting while you get ready to receive them, you shouldn’t have to.” TwoCentsPsychologist
Another User Comments:
“Ytj, you said like once a month it seems like they stop by impromptu so they don’t take up too much of your time they probably feel like if they call ahead of time they are forcing you to give up a chunk of time.
You said they brought gifts and stayed on the porch. They miss their son and are trying to show you that you are family, they brought a gift specifically for you. Maybe try inviting them over.” Sensitive_Glass_6583
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m sorry, this is your house, I thought you and your husband were too grown adults who were married. Interesting that your husband thinks that you’re rude for not standing on ceremony for his mother who thinks she can come to your doorstep unannounced, and demand that you get presentable to come out and see her.
You need to tell your husband that he needs to stand the heck up. This is his family, he is a grown man and he needs to stand up to them yeah seem ungrateful because they’re not really giving gifts because their entire presence is an intrusion.
This is your guys’ house, you set the rules here. You’re saying it’s rude for them to show up unannounced and you don’t want it to happen anymore, unless your husband is prepared to stand up to his mother and say that if they show up unannounced they’re only going to see him and she doesn’t get to demand your presence, then he needs to hold that line with you.” JCBashBash
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your house is your safe zen space, the place you go to for sanctuary and to freaking relax and unwind.
My husband would probably say the same as you: that my family is incredibly close and kind of in each other’s business a lot.
It’s a little strange to him, although mostly amusing. I love it, I love having them over a lot and I love the energy. We all live in the same city and my sisters each live within a mile or two of us.
That said, they n-e-v-e-r come over without at least giving one of us a heads-up. Even just to drop something off. And we give them the same courtesy. And we’re sisters. We don’t care what we look like in front of each other-for God’s sake, we poop in front of each other (edit: I’m mostly being facetious).
But our homes are our own, it takes energy to socialize, and it’s just plain freaking rude to show up to someone else’s home unannounced, except in an emergency. And this is coming from someone whose family is I would dare even say ridiculously close.
The worst part is that you were taking a NAP that day. No one on either side of my family would ever dare purposefully interrupt a Sunday nap. What the heck?” torrentialwx
8. AITJ For Not Allowing My Ex To Move Into My Home With His 3 Kids?
“My ex “Sam” and I were together for 4 years, living together, talking about marriage and kids, etc. Then one day he got a call from his ex’s sister telling him that his ex had a daughter who was probably his (she’s 6).
He said she had just ghosted him one day and he didn’t even know she had been pregnant. They did a DNA test and he’s the daddy. I went ahead and ended the relationship because I don’t want to be a stepmother.
His daughter’s mom died recently and her sister is currently taking care of all three of her kids (a 9-year-old, his 6-year-old, and a two-year-old). The sister knew this whole time that he was the girl’s dad and never said anything either?
The sister has to get home (a few states away) to her kids, job, etc. She doesn’t have the space or finances or time to care for the kids on top of her own so she called Sam about taking them.
She doesn’t know who the other 2 dads are. The kids want to stay together so he wants to take all 3.
We live in a really high-cost area. The only reason we’ve been able to live here and have room to plan for a family is that I inherited a house that was bought by my great-grandparents.
He can’t afford a place with enough space for 3 kids. He can’t afford a 2 bedroom apartment by himself here, maybe not even a one-bedroom because it’s so expensive. He wants to move them all into my home until whenever he can afford something bigger but I don’t think he’ll ever be able to.
It’s a 3-bedroom house and he wants the other 2 bedrooms to be for his kids and to remodel the dining room or living room for a bedroom for him. But I want to move on with my life! I don’t want to live with my ex forever.
If I live with all of them as roommates there’s no room for me to marry someone and have kids of my own. He’s upset because if he can’t take the kids they’re going into foster care but if I let them stay here I’m giving up the family I always wanted.
I asked him how he’s going to handle child care and taking them to the doctor and stuff and he said he’ll figure something out but I’m worried he’s going to dump the childcare on me because I work from home and he works in an office.
The mom’s sister leaves next week and he’s in a panic. He keeps trying to come up with compromises but I told him I don’t want to live with someone else’s kids and I want to move on with my life and he’s telling me I should rent an apartment and let him keep living in MY house?
I just want him gone. Am I the jerk for not letting them all live here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I’m sorry that you even feel the need to ask! Come on, it’s nowhere near being a reasonable ask. “Move out, rent an expensive property, and let me live in your house!” Seriously?!
Who on Earth would have the audacity to even think that let alone actually ask for it?
I’m gonna go with the “tough love” approach, so please don’t think I’m trying to be unkind, I’d really not. This guy doesn’t seem to have a lot of respect for you or your property.
He’s suggesting you remodel your home to add another bedroom downstairs, by messing with the living and dining rooms. What impact would that have on the value of your property? Has he even thought about that, or is he just assuming it’s Ok to knock thousands off your house value just so he can move in?
Given his appalling selfishness in how he’s thinking about this, it’s b****y obvious that he would be intending to use you as free child care. After all, you work from home, so are obviously free all day to take care of young kids (I trust the sarcasm is obvious).
And I’ll bet it wouldn’t just be when he’s at work, but for nights out to. Have you given any thought to what would happen if he got into another relationship? Do you really want to be lying in your bed in your own home listening to your ex getting it on with a new partner?
Tell him no, tell him the no is not up for debate, and if that means you have to cut contact with him then do so. Otherwise, you’re setting yourself up for nothing but misery and exploitation.” Phil_Oop_North
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your ex has gone mad.
He tried to bully you into leaving a house YOU inherited from your grandparents to allow him to move in with 3 children. He literally wants you to move out & paRENT somewhere else when you own a home free and clear, so he can live there.
He has truly lost his mind. He who you said cannot afford the rent by himself thinks he can afford to take care of 3 children? He would destroy your house, YOU would be paying for their food clothing & shelter. Not him.
Do not under any circumstance allow him to continue living with you. If you do, he will 100% move the children the moment you leave the house for a few minutes. Then it would be very hard to get him out.
I told him I don’t want to live with someone else’s kids and I want to move on with my life and he’s telling me I should rent an apartment and let him keep living in MY house?” Gladtobealive2020
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
It’s wonderful that your ex is trying to keep the siblings together and I can sympathize with his predicament, however, he is your EX and they are NOT your kids.
IF you were to let them all move in, I think all the things you are worried might happen, will happen.
(You being ‘daycare’ and him never moving out etc).
As much as you can feel for him, this is your life and you need to move on. HE is the one who has chosen to take on this responsibility but you haven’t and you don’t have to.
His first step should be to find out who the other Fathers are and see about getting child support set up from them. He should also think about moving to the same town maybe as the sister, so that the kids are close enough for her to help because it sounds like maybe she would want to, its just that she lives several states away.
She might be willing to take the kids part-time to allow him to get on his feet and find a place for all of them, but he shouldn’t be expecting you to do this.” MissSuzieSunshine
7. WIBTJ For Not Going To My Sister's Wedding Since She Won't Let Me Bring My Long-Term Partner?
“My sister, 36, is getting married on September 3rd. She has known her fiancé for 3 years.
My partner, 38, and I,44, have been together for almost 11 years. We have been living together for 8 years and we’re expecting although it’s too early so we haven’t told anyone yet.
My sister made it clear that she wanted an intimate wedding (60 guests) and since my girl isn’t my wife, she didn’t consider her family. My first reaction was that it was fine since it’s her wedding so I didn’t RSVP.
She called me to ask why I didn’t and to be honest, I was confused, but it turned out she wanted me in the wedding but not my girl. I told her to forget about it and she was crying and raging since I’m her only brother and since dad isn’t in the picture I’m supposed to be the one giving her away.
I said a firm no (even if my gf said she didn’t mind that)
Yesterday she texted me and my girl that it’s FINE; we could come, both of us. My girl looked so sad, but she said it’s up to me.
So I texted back that we’re not coming.
Now every family member is calling me or texting me to tell me I’m a jerk for breaking my little sister’s heart. I texted my uncle who is invited to the wedding to walk my sister and he was glad to do it.
Still, everyone is livid.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“You’re not the jerk. Even if you’re not married, you’ve been together 11 years which to me sounds like a life partner and family member ring or no ring.
Also when you enter a relationship with someone they become your family and your first priority the way I see it.
I’ve only been with my girl for a lil over a year, and my parents hate her because my brother’s s******y inappropriate behavior frightens her, but I chose to have my parents ice me and refuse to talk to me because she’s who I’m trying to start a life with.
You did the right thing standing by your girl and your morals.” RestlessMind95
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your sister is being very disrespectful. I was kind of crap that my mother-in-law while she was still alive would pull on every in-law.
She would want family pictures, but only with “her” family. We’d go over to the house quite often, no one but her birth children or husband were allowed to answer the phone.
Now that my boys are adults we have made very sure to include both of their partners.
Our oldest and his girl have been for 4 years, three of those have been living together. For my husband and I and our three children, I have made handmade Christmas stockings. Last year I made one for the oldest son’s girl because they’ve been together so long.
The other one we bought a stocking for her.” Booklovinmom55
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – “your partner of 11 years” but who nonetheless doesn’t count as “family.” That’s clearly a snub based on opinions about you not marrying. If she’s going to disrespect your relationship, she can’t very well expect you to bless hers.
“Oh all right, fine, you can both come already, if it’s that big a deal” is still copping an attitude about it because that’s still pretending you’re the one being unreasonable when she’s the one who started it. Maybe consider relenting if she apologizes sincerely to both of you for the self-righteousness and makes your girl genuinely welcome, not merely tolerated.” avast2006
6. AITJ For Crying At Dinner With The Intention To Embarrass My Dad And Brother?
“I know the title sounds ridiculous, but there’s context!
I’m currently in high school and I live with my dad and brother (my mom’s not in the picture anymore). While I’m not very close with my father, he’s not a bad dad.
He’s just a little old-fashioned so he’s closer to my brother (they have the same hobbies, etc.).
Onto the problem: I don’t know how it started, but for the past couple of months, both my dad and my brother will start teasing me about “that time of the month” any time I even get remotely irritated or upset at them.
For example, my brother ate a snack of mine that I was saving, and when I got mad he just joked, “oh no, is it that time again” in a super annoying voice.
I’ve kept trying to tell them separately and together that it’s really annoying and offensive, and I feel like they’re totally minimizing how I feel about things I feel I had valid reasons for being annoyed about.
They just brush it off even MORE and chalk it up to my period no matter what time of the month it is.
Well, yesterday we had dinner with my whole family on my dad’s side for my aunt’s birthday.
Before the dinner, I got in a huge fight with my brother because he broke my iPad, and instead of apologizing, he just said the whole “time of the month thing”. I can admit that by the time we got to my grandma’s house, I was pretty livid.
My cousin asked me what was wrong during dinner and before I could explain my brother interrupted with “oh it’s just lady problems.”
I usually just ignore him or hold things in, but I had enough and just started bawling.
I can admit that I kind of went HAM on purpose to cause a scene, and it freaked my whole family out. My aunt asked my dad why I was so upset, and when he didn’t know I told my aunt, “It’s just lady reasons according to dad and brother.”
My aunt and grandma were LIVID at my dad and brother and they totally got reamed at the dinner table. It was a whole “thing” and I could tell they were super embarrassed.
Later that night my brother and dad said I was a jerk for causing a scene and embarrassing them, but I said that I was just acting like how always say I do.
I guess I didn’t have to do it during dinner, but it wasn’t like I planned it.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
They opened the door and you charged through.
They are literally using sexist demeaning bullcrap to belittle you and rug sweep.
You are a child. Your father is not.
You needed help with their crappy behavior and you got it. Good for you. Seriously. That was what was needed.
Now, get your hands on a GIGANTIC calendar. Hang it where everyone can see.
Mark big red Xs when you have your period. When they ask why an appropriate version of “well screw it, you two treat me like crap and blame my period when I get mad, the LEAST I can do is give you a calendar that tells you when you are right and when you are being idiotic.”” Senior-Term-635
Another User Comments:
“I want you to stop and ask yourself why you are minimizing his behavior by “calling him a little old-fashioned”? These people are choosing to ignore your emotions completely and minimize the hurt and damage they’re doing to you under the premise that you’re unreasonably upset “due to your hormones”.
Your dad knows exactly what he’s doing and that’s why He did not even try to use the quote hormones “excuse in front of your aunt. He tried to feign complete ignorance because he knows that your hormones aren’t the problem.
This is a tactic to train you to be silent when things get on your nerves. This is also a tactic to teach you to be accepting of their disrespect. Regardless of what time of the month you’re going through, you deserve respect and your emotions deserve to be validated. A pregnant woman who has a crying fit over peanut butter dropping on her shoes also deserves to be validated at the moment.
No one deserves to have the emotions invalidated except Karen’s.
NTJ.” Ambitious-Screen
Another User Comments:
“Every time they are the least bit unpleasant accuse them of being gassy or constipated. Annoyed you broke something of theirs? ‘Ooh, you’re constipated that’s why you’re being a lil witch about this,’ ‘Oh you must be gassy, better step outside,’ ‘Ah constipated again I see,’ ‘Look your constipation is your issue; go get some prune juice.’
Your brother and especially your dad are complete a*******s and they are actively bullying you in your home. Your brother has an absolutely terrible role model for a man, that’s the I not mitigating part for him.
Your dad has 0 excuses.
Let your aunt and gran have the full story and get them to have your brother spend time with them and any actual men in the family who are not sexist jerks.
Your dad should be absolutely humiliated by himself.
That he is still taking this out on you and not looking at how his own actions are totally out of line, belittling his own kid, and completely sexist is on him and no one else.
Tell your family about the constipation thing.
Your dad will lose his crap within the week.
Also putting a bullcrap threshold meter on the wall – this is the level of your BS I can currently tolerate today (mark as you like) this is the level YOU idiot brother and YOU failed father, (mark for each) have reached today.
Vary each accordingly, also point out that their combined BS uses is the threshold.” M89-90
5. AITJ For Taking Pictures Of My Son's Outfits My Ex Puts Him In?
He’s better off asking his ex to provide extra clothes for his house, or better yet, going out and buying some himself.
“First, I’m not some super picky, spiteful ex, who tries to make my ex’s life difficult. We have a son, Mark, who is 9. He wears a size 10/12 in clothes and a size 5 in shoes. Mark never comes back in clothes or shoes that size.
Last several weekends, for example, Mark came back in clothes that were a size 6/7, where the shirt fits like a crop top and he couldn’t even button his pants and they were way too short, and size 3 shoes that he had to scrunch his toes to even get on.
I know Mark is uncomfortable and his feet hurt because he tells me.
I’ve asked my ex, Joe about Mark’s clothes and he always has some reason, Mark dressed himself, Mark insisted on wearing that, they’re behind on laundry, he was in a rush and they didn’t have time to get ready until the last minute.
If Mark came home to me in clothes that actually fit, I would not care, but they don’t fit, Mark can’t wear that stuff to school, it’s in really shabby condition, and clothes are not free. I don’t get child support from Joe, because neither of us can currently afford to go back to court and Joe has made it clear without a child support order, I will never get a single penny from him and if I ever do ask for support, he’d go as far as quitting his job to have no income so he doesn’t have to pay.
Unfortunately, our custody agreement does not affect child support and that’s a whole separate issue. I can not legally keep Mark away from Joe.
Anyway, I’ve started taking pics of what Mark wears to his dad’s and texting the pic to Joe with a reminder to please remember I need that back as Mark is starting to run low on clothes and shoes that actually fit him correctly and are nice enough for school.
Joe never responds to the texts but has told me in person at exchanges I’m a selfish and petty jerk for not wanting Mark to have clothes and shoes at his house, too. I’ve asked Joe to please buy clothes that fit Mark to keep at his place, but he’s refused, saying it’s not his responsibility or problem.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
When I was a bonus mom, the kids came to us in ill-fitting clothes and shoes – once I had to CUT a leather shoe off of the foot of a 3-year-old because trying to wiggle it off would have ripped the bleeding sore on their foot open even mere.
I was able to pour b***d out of it! Ooooh, I was livid, and after a call to cps, we kept them for a month until their mother got her ducks in a row.
The mother was supposed to supply everything the children needed for the weekend, save for diapers, etc.
She was trying to make their father look like he did not care for the children. We started taking pictures when they came and when they left, which also served as leverage in court when she tried to take weekends etc away from him.
Sadly, their father did not care enough for the children to take over full custody, but at least they were well-fed, clothed, had good shoes, and got their biweekly baths at our place.
When they left for home, we had to stop dressing them in good clothes, and rather put whatever their mother put them in (Freshly washed, of course) on them, and sometimes, take back coats, shoes, etc. while she was yelling at their dad how bad they looked (That’s on you, Lady.
They were freshly bathed, lotioned, nails clipped, hair braided, and in clean clothes, but of course, the crap SHE sent, not the Nice stuff I got them).
So yes. It is a well-known tactic. Please do take pictures of your kid, and keep on the straight and narrow while collecting evidence against your ex.
Then take him to court for child support. You are enabling him right now, and he needs to stop riding the gravy train.” SystemSignificant518
Another User Comments:
“I want to say NTJ but honestly ESH. Your ex is intentionally withholding your kid’s clothes to be vindictive to you, which is worse, but you need to step in here to protect your son.
You have to figure this out.
That being said, your son is 9. He is definitely old enough to be responsible for his own clothes. Have you explained to him that he keeps leaving his clothes at dad’s house and now he doesn’t have any at your house, because you can’t afford to buy more?
You don’t need to accuse dad of anything, just “I can’t afford to buy you more. You need to make sure you’re bringing your clothes home with you from dad’s house.” I would also get some thrift store outfits and that’s what he wears to school on the dad pickup days.
Write mom’s clothes on the label if you have to. If your son isn’t willing to wear those clothes all day then maybe he changes at school before dad picks him up. Don’t let him pack a bag to bring with him to dad’s house.
Dad should be providing all of the clothes he needs during those days so there is no reason to pack. If dad isn’t providing clothes then document, document, document, and use that as a reason to deny dad parenting time.” loligo_pealeii
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Please know that if you did get him put on child support and he quit his job, then they would pursue him more and force him to get a job. All you need is the texts stating he said he would quit.
Visitation and child support are separate and rightly so, it makes no sense to keep a child from seeing a parent based on financial items.
Once child support has everything set up, they then take him to court if he does not pay.
Depending on the area, it isn’t usually a quick process but at least you wouldn’t have to pay going forward.
I use to take pics of my son’s clothes too because if they were returned then they were ruined but rarely did the same clothes come back.
He was usually put in something too small also. If you can amend the visitation to state that each parent must provide their own clothes then do so.
The worst part is, regardless, Mark is suffering.” Ok-KindaHuman
4. AITJ For Yelling At My Mom For Straightening My Daughter's Hair?
“I (F35) am married to my husband (M36).
For context, we are a mixed-race couple. I am white, and my husband is black.
We have a daughter (9F) ‘Chloe.’ Before I had Chloe, I ensured to learn as much as I could about how to take care of and style afro/coily hair to prepare.
Chloe, as we expected, has very thick, curly hair. Her hair type is 3C.
My mother (56F) occasionally has Chloe over for the day, Chloe really enjoys spending time with her grandmother and it’s nice for them to have a bond.
Here’s where I might be the jerk.
Two weeks ago, my mother kindly offered to have Chloe over for a weekend sleepover as my husband was sick with the flu and I needed to attend my friend’s funeral which was out of town.
This took a lot of pressure off of us and we were very grateful.
However, when I went on Sunday to go collect Chloe, I was absolutely shocked. My mother had used a chemical relaxer on Chloe’s hair to straighten it.
My mother never mentioned this to me nor asked for my permission.
I asked my mother why on earth she thought this was appropriate, to which she replied that Chloe looks better with her hair straight. I didn’t want to have an outburst in front of my young daughter so I said nothing and drove her home.
I asked Chloe if she liked her hair to which she said yes, and happily said her hair looks like Rapunzel’s.
Although I’m happy Chloe seems to like it, it is very evident that her hair is extremely damaged, and I’m worried that it could fall out, as it is already thinning a lot.
We live in a rural area so we would need to travel to get to any hairdresser who can deal with Chloe’s hair type.
Later that day when Chloe couldn’t hear me, I rang my mother and yelled at her and told her that what she did was unacceptable and that she won’t be allowed to babysit Chloe again.
My mother got extremely defensive and said that Chloe’s hair looked like “it could’ve done with a change” and told me that I’m being a snowflake. I hung up the phone because I was so angry.
My husband thinks that my mother is in the wrong and that I was right to tell her she won’t be allowed to babysit again.
However, my friends and siblings think that I am overreacting and that it’s just hair and Chloe likes her new look so I shouldn’t be mad.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I have 3b hair that I chemically straighten and my daughter (2) also has 3b hair.
I’m more upset that your mother said she looked better with straight hair. Like livid.
I HATED my hair, which is why I chemically straighten it. I did not know how to take care of it and I just can’t even express how I longed for silky straight hair that could get wet without consequence.
I do not want my daughter to feel that way. A few months ago I posted on social media my last confession, “I hate my daughter’s curly hair but I shall never speak of it again. From now on it’s absolutely beautiful.
Please silently feel my pain.”
Part of the reason I hated it was because it was so damaged! Once you damage curly hair it’s game over for a long time. And she’s only nine…
Speaking of hit to the self-esteem, how is your 9-year-old daughter going to handle her hair breaking off or even falling out?
Completely agree never babysit again.” MiLeenaLee
Another User Comments:
“ESH. Your mother is racist and is trying to make your child look more white and you are underreacting!
Your daughter likes her hair because your mother convinced her having hair like Rapunzel’s was better than her natural hair.
You should be horrified by this enough to reconsider spending time with your mother, friends, and siblings because their racist beliefs are toxic for your daughter. It’s a good first step to ban babysitting for mom, but this is a more serious issue than just no time alone with her.
And I’m not even getting into the damage she did to her hair! I’m enraged on your daughter’s behalf.” Kind-Philosopher1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. NTJ. So not NTJ. I audibly gasped when I read that your mother used a chemical relaxer on your daughter’s hair.
I also have 3c hair and even had a black hairdresser damage my hair because they didn’t understand my curl type. 3c hair does not need chemical relaxers; a flat iron and a paddle brush are all it needs to be straightened. You did your homework, but your mother did not.
What would she have said/done if she had also burned your daughter’s scalp? After her snowflake remark, you and your husband might want to discuss setting boundaries with your mother moving forward.
Because of your daughter’s hair type, she will grow up being put down by both sides.
Expect to hear comments about needing to straighten her hair to “look more professional” or she has “good hair” if you haven’t heard them already. You and your husband might want to have a sit down with your daughter and find out how she feels about herself and what she wants.
You are facing challenges that all black parents face, and some that they do not. It sounds like you’re doing a great job!” zippygremlin
3. AITJ For Gifting My Brother-In-Law A Parenting Book For His Birthday?
“So to start let me preface this by saying that my sister has been married to Hank for over 6 years.
They have 2 kids and one on the way.
I visit her almost daily and I noticed that my brother-in-law does little to nothing around the house or even child care. To give some examples…one time my nephew fell off the stairs and didn’t need a hospital but needed immediate care from one of the parents.
My sister was literally stuck helping my niece out of the barn and BIL just sat in front of the tv shrugging it off. I was stunned that I had to go help my nephew out. Not just that but even now that my sister is 7 months pregnant.
He keeps making her lift heavy things, run after the kids, bathe them, and cook for them. He claims he’s not usually this “unavailable” but since it’s “football season” then he needs to catch up to all the games. I was getting irritated with him especially after he ruined my and my wife’s 1st ever pregnancy announcement by asking my wife if “she was sure I will be a decent father…” Shaking my freaking head.
His birthday was a couple of days ago. I was going from one store to another not knowing what I should get him. I found something that I thought would be beneficial for him.
My wife and I arrived at my sister’s house and had dinner.
BIL didn’t stop nagging my wife about the pregnancy saying that there’s 80% chance I’ll turn out to be a deadbeat dad. I couldn’t take it it. when it was time for gifts. I got up, handed him a book on parenting, and said “here, I found this amazing book called “The Gift of Failure”…it’s about parenting…strange concept, I know but…I figured you’d benefit from it, especially with a 3rd kid on the way.” He was absolutely speechless.
Everybody was staring at him and my wife, and Mom laughed. He just gave me a look and then stormed off upstairs. my sister ran after him then came back later saying he’s calmed down after she turned the tv on a football game.
He sent me an email later saying I embarrassed and mocked him infront of everybody and demanded I apologize publicly just like I humiliated him publicly. My dad thinks I went a bit too far here too.
Was I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
Look, to you, this may simply seem like an unhelpful husband and inadequate father.
But men capable of this level of callousness are very often narcissists.
Do you see how quickly and worriedly your sister responded?
Keep him happy so everyone is safe. That’s not normal. None of it is.
But you’ve oversimplified. You see a man who isn’t a supportive partner or co-parent. But you also chose to treat him like that’s all he is.
The fact is, he’s likely a narcissist. You watched the man ignore his injured child.
We don’t have to tiptoe around narcissists, but we do have to understand that if we confront them, their victims are the ones to pay the price.
It was your sister who needed your support. Much more than this man deserves your malice (and he absolutely does deserve it).
He will now have her bending over backward to prove she likes this! It’s fine! All fine!
And that gives him an opportunity to escalate.
You didn’t think it through. He’s terrible, you aren’t, but you have failed to grasp the gravity of the situation.
He’s not just a jerk. He’s a narcissist. You needed to protect and support your sister.
You’ve put her in harm’s way.” Ladyughsalot1
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Good job making your sister’s life harder so you could have a good laugh, I guess. It never occurred to you that she’d have to deal with the fallout of your little stunt, did it?
And do bear in mind that by humiliating him, you’ve also humiliated her. Your little stunt says just as much about her ability to assert herself and judges her choice of husband, as it says and judges him.
An actual kind and loving sibling would be supporting her, and asking her what help she needs if she thinks she needs any.” Cent1234
Another User Comments:
“OP, I just gotta say I like your style (and stunt). I mean what a really good burn!!! I mean it was perfect and kinda hilarious. I’m putting this out here to say first before whatbI have to say next.
There was no absence of malice here. You knew what you were doing. You knew it would embarrass him. You knew it was his birthday. It’s kind of a jerk move and you know it. Your sister deals with the fallout.
She can’t avoid him. You can. And that, in itself is what makes you the jerk here. You need to put him in his place came before your also pregnant sister who is obviously having a hard time as it is.
Did it not occur to you that this is the last thing she needed to deal with?
So while I like your style, I do. I really do. I think you know you went a bit too far. I would Apologize to your sister more than I would to him.
And I might also consider apologizing to him too if it makes your sister’s life easier. You can say sorry I embarrassed you, not sorry for what I did.
ESH. But for the purpose of the black-and-white vote. NTJ.” Turtlelarke
And to everyone squawking about OP making his sister's life harder, shut it. If she's stupid enough to have three children with this man, she's beyond saving. Nothing he'll do in response to OP's gift is anything new to her, and nothing she doesn't deserve for exposing her children to such a despicable man.
And maybe, just maybe, if others start calling him out on his behaviour, he might back off a little. Narcissists HATE to be caught being $****y to their families; they're all about image. And maybe his wife will get a clue that she needs to ditch this jerk and protect her children from him like a DECENT PARENT would.
2. AITJ For Waking Up My Husband To Have Him Remove My Reusable Bags From Soaking In Bleach?
“I’ll start this by saying I hate bleach. I use it to clean the toilet and I’ll pour it down an empty sink to clear out smell. But overall I’d rather clean with any other cleaner. I don’t like the way bleach feels slimey on my hands and makes them itch, and I don’t like to smell it.
I have a bunch of reusable silicone bags. I don’t buy throwaway freezer bags anymore, I use these for everything.
I’m the one who usually does dishes and other chores as a stay-at-home mom, but when my husband gets home from work he helps around the house, too, and I’m grateful for it.
The thing is, he does stuff wrong and I mean that in the nicest way possible. But he puts stuff in the wrong place, he mixes laundry together, and he loves to clean with bleach.
We’ve had this talk before that my silicone bags can’t sit in bleach.
It’s eats away at them. I’ve also had to warn him to not pour boiling hot water in the sink if my bags are in there (I try to keep them on one side of the sink) because it melts them.
I’ve lost a few bags this way. There have been three occasions in the past that he forgot and put my bags in bleach water and I’ve had to pull them out and rinse them and wash them right there.
He thinks they need to soak in it because a few have stains (like one has a couple red spots from tomatoes, and one has yellow spots from a yellow bell pepper) but they’re clean. They don’t spend more than a day in the sink.
We have 5 kids so our sink fills fast and even doing dishes 4-5 times a day (by hand. No dishwasher), sometimes there’s still stuff in there when I go to bed.
Well my husband decided to do dishes last night after I went to bed. There was one pan left from dinner (rinsed out), five of my bags (also rinsed), some silverware, and a bunch of sippy cups because I do sippy cups last and get a qtip to help clean them out.
So he ended up doing the other stuff and then soaked the sippy cups AND my bags in bleach and went to bed.
I got up at 3am, which I do a lot because I’m not a good sleeper. He’s usually up at 3 for work but this morning is his day off.
I got up and did my thing. Early morning is kinda my me time before the kids wake up. But then I walked into the kitchen and saw my bags in the bleach water.
I pulled three of them out but the other two were at the bottom so I woke him up and got him to drain the water and rinse them for me.
He’s upset with me for waking him up on his day off and I’m upset with him because we’ve had this talk before and he knows I don’t like sticking my hands in bleach. The three sticking out of the water have lines across them showing where the bleach was eating away at them and honestly I probably need to chuck all five.
But AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
He knew you cannot tolerate having your hands inside bleach. He knew time and time again about your bags not being able to suitable for the bleach nor to stay in the bleach.
He still did it.
After doing it many times prior.
I’d wake my partner up to do this also. Even more so if the smell was going for me. Like OP says the smell gets them too.
He was informed, warned, and kept doing it… He made his own bed to be woken from there.
Maybe the 3 am wakening might help him remember next time??
Also, my partner wouldn’t have been bothered by my waking them over this kinda thing. Knowing my boundaries and inability to deal with bleach and their *******… Putting me in such a position.
They’d have lept up to take care of the problematic situation they’d put me in.
Like yeah, people make errors…! We can all understand that. Much like we can understand people not doing chores the way WE would do them, but being happy they’re being done regardless if someone else does them just not quite the same.
However, your husband is doing something that is damaging items, wasting time and finances, and could degrade the items and make the components break down into your food… That you guys eat. This IS a problem that he keeps doing and he needs to take responsibility for it.
Please though OP, your husband does not “help around the house” He does some of the work in the house you both share. He isn’t helping you. He is being an adult taking responsibility for also keeping the home clean etc. If he lived alone he’d not be “helping around the house” he would be written as “tidied his house.”” TazzMoo
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ. Why do you not have gloves to help when dealing with bleach? I can understand you not liking how bleach feels but all cleaners (good cleaners) will be hard on your skin if you are constantly cleaning.
I have a dishwasher and I still use gloves while cleaning. Actually, I have a pair a use while cleaning in the kitchen, a pair to clean bathrooms and I use throwaway gloves when chaining the oil on my cars.
Compromise and get gloves.” Savanni_De_Heart
Another User Comments:
“Do you not own tongs? Asking genuinely because they could have been used to pull the bags out. Heck, even a spoon or fork could have been used.
ESH. You suck because a little thinking could have gotten those bags out of the bleach all on your own.
I dunno, it feels to me like you only woke him up to prove a point or to somehow make him pay for soaking your “Bezos said they’re silicone” bags in something you didn’t like. And as others have said, why aren’t gloves being worn around bleach?
Your husband sucks because it feels to me like there might be a little weaponized incompetence going on here, but also, if someone is doing a household chore, they aren’t always going to do it the way you like, and I don’t think you’d be out of line to say “Hey hon, when you do the dishes, leave the bags to me, I have a certain way I want them done.”” themerrywench
But I agree that if you don't want them in bleach water, he DOES need to stop doing that
1. AITJ For Telling My Roommate That The Way She Dresses Makes Her Look Lazy?
“I (24m) live with “Gina” (25f) whose clothing choices are comfortable, and cool. But they’re kinda basic but since she doesn’t seem to care, I’ve never said anything as well.
Just kept these thoughts to myself because Gina and I have become great friends, she’s also friends with my other friends and comes to hang out with us whenever she gets the chance. I should also tell you that Gina and I have known each other for 4 years, and have been rooming for 2 years.
Her workplace still allows WFH, so she stays in the apartment for the most part, while I go out, and usually, when I come back, she’s in her pajamas and a frumpy top. It’s like living with a teenager (cuz she reminds me of my sister).
I don’t feel like I’m living with a grown-up. Yet I’ve never said anything.
A couple of days ago, she came out with us for drinks and wore some old jeans while the rest of us were dressed well (she had worn this same outfit, recently as well when she was invited).
Nobody seemed to mind her outfit, but i guess someone did say something to her because as soon as we got home… she asked if there was something wrong with her outfit, I told her politely that yes we’re a group of professionals and it would’ve been nicer had she worn something more decent.
I said that her style of dressing has become lazy and unattractive (shouldn’t have used that last word; it was the adult beverages talking).
She looked kinda surprised but then said that well it is what it is and that she feels good in this… I didn’t argue further and shrugged. She went into her room and I passed out on the couch.
Ever since this, she’s been acting cold and distant. I’ve tried to apologize for the way I worded my thoughts but she’s still upset I guess. She went on to tell our friends about this and they think I’m a jerk, only one of them agrees with me that it is Gina who is overreacting.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. If I was able to work from home every day I would be in leggings, sweats, pajamas, and loungewear aka being comfy at home while working. Gina is lucky she can still WFH.
You think she’s living like a teenager because she has a professional job that allows her to WFH & doesn’t dress like she’s in the office every day?
Again, Gina is lucky. I would do the same. YTJ.
If you knew Gina’s outfit was not appropriate prior to leaving your apartment, why didn’t you say anything to her, as her alleged friend? Or texted her earlier in the day asking what she is wearing because there is a dress code.
Regardless, you could have simply told Gina she was not adhering to the dress code of the establishment. You didn’t need to tell Gina her attire was unattractive. All she heard you say was she was unattractive. YTJ.
OP better not say they went to get drinks at Applebees.” RewardHungry2419
Another User Comments:
“I’m assuming the venue didn’t have an issue with the way your roomie was dressed and it was all about the way you and your group felt she was dressed.
So yeah, YTJ…
For telling your roomie she dresses in a lazy, unattractive manner.
It’s an added level of jerk that you can’t take responsibility for the hurtful words you said when you were intoxicated.
There are various degrees of formal, professional, & casual dress. If there was an expectation for your roommate to wear professional attire, that should have been stated upfront; especially since you know already that’s not her go-to attire.
You can’t expect someone to adhere to an unspoken dress code. She was set up for failure and then insulted. I’m sure the realization you’ve thought this for a while also wasn’t pleasant for her.
Lastly, I want to say your opinion is not fact: her clothing isn’t inherently lazy, indecent, unattractive, or frumpy; you just personally feel her clothing is lazy, indecent, unattractive, or frumpy.
Edit: I feel like the correct response here would’ve been, “You just didn’t wear the same style as the rest of us. Maybe next time we can coordinate and all wear business casual. I’ll get with everyone else and see if that’s doable if you’re down.”” BattleCatPants
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m surprised so many here criticize OP for being the jerk. I say this as someone who was constantly insulted by my parents for my “making myself ugly” & “wasting my potential” growing up without me asking for their input.
I live in an oversize T-shirt and jeans, still do. If she doesn’t realize her tardiness that’s on her, she’s in denial. I know my dressing isn’t attractive, I can see that. I dress for comfort, being attractive isn’t the goal.
She asked and OP responded honestly, I can’t understand why everyone thinks OP has to lie about his personal opinion. I would rather have a friend who is willing to be truthful with me than a friend who lies to my face.
The only way OP would be wrong here is that if he said it unprompted which isn’t the case here. 100% NTJ.” PixieChantilily
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