People Are Prepared For Anything In These "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
22. AITJ For Defending My Stepsisters Against A Drama Group's Last-Minute Rehearsal?
“I (34F) live with my stepmom’s ex-husband (just as housemates) and he often has his girls (17 and 18) over for weekend stays.
I love these girls to bits and would do anything for them.
They are part of a drama group that has in the past, sprung last-minute rehearsals on them. This weekend, they were with their dad here. One of the girls 17 told us on the Saturday that she’d just been told that a rehearsal was scheduled for the Sunday.
Well, it was too last minute so she wasn’t going. We had plans.
Anyway, later on the Sunday, I see a post from the drama group about the rehearsal scheduled for that day. Feeling defensive, I messaged them, telling them that last-minute rehearsals are really not acceptable and they need to plan things better.
I refused to give names so that they didn’t know who I was associated with.
They replied to me and told me that this rehearsal had been scheduled for a whole week and that all cast members knew about it.
Turns out that 17 lied to get out of the rehearsal.
I apologized to the group, telling them I’d been led to believe this was not the case. And then forwarded the message conversation to stepmom to make her aware.
I was then told that stepmom was furious with me for interfering, telling me that the whole committee saw the messages and knew who I was connected to through my social media friends list. (I thought I’d locked that down but apparently, their updates reset this security system regularly).
My stepmom then tells my stepsisters to unfriend me on social media in case their association with me impacts their ability to be cast for other roles in other plays. She unfriended me too and reiterated how upset she is that I “interfered” with something I had no business butting my nose into.
I felt bad that my messages might have impacted their opportunities but, if I hadn’t been lied to to begin with I’m sure I’d never have sent a message at all.
I’ve known these girls since they were in primary school, some 10 years now. I’ve been through thick and thin with them.
Held their secrets from their parents, wiped their tears away, took them to places and so much more. I’d do anything to support them and defend them against perceived injustices, but now I’m told I’m “interfering” and it’s not welcome.
I fully accept that I maybe should have spoken to stepmom before sending the message to the drama group, but her reaction has hurt me in a lot of ways.
AITJ here?”
Another User Comments:
“Soft ESH. You did meddle, and you aren’t the girl’s mother, so I’d bear that in mind for the future. Sometimes, sticking our nose in and trying to help, even when well-meaning, can backfire. However, I think your step-sister and her mother are the actual jerk.
I think her mother’s reaction was extreme. They did not need to remove you on social media over this – that’s an overreaction. Your stepdaughter was the one caught in a lie, and you were just trying to help. If I had been in your step-sister’s shoes, my parents would have made me apologize to you and to the drama committee for lying to shirk rehearsals.
They would have appreciated you trying to stand up for me. I would have rightly taken the brunt of any anger.” eppydeservedbetter
Another User Comments:
“I’m sorry, but whilst you are well-intentioned, ESH here. You’re not the parent of these girls, and they are close to adults.
You weren’t “standing up” for your step sisters, you were an outsider complaining about the disorganization of a group that you weren’t even involved in. The fact that you tried to do this anonymously is just plain strange and shows that some part of you knew that you were just being a busybody.
Both girls have good reason for you to be annoyed, because of your unwarranted attempt to interfere with an activity they are part of. But Stepmum is massively overreacting if this is an isolated incident. Her actions would only be justified if this was the last straw in you repeatedly doing this sort of thing.” Dioptre_8
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You did interfere and it wasn’t your place to. Supporting people usually includes a) clarifying what’s happened and b) ASKING if they want your help (i.e. ‘I saw this post on social media – this seems unfair, want me to say something?’ No, your stepsister shouldn’t have lied. But irrespective of that, you didn’t do the right thing.
You’re a 34-year-old woman trying to fight a 17-year-old girl’s battle. Mistake.” happybanana134
21. AITJ For Suspending My Employee Due To Suspected Substance Use?
“I am a supervisor and Charlotte (not her real name) is one of our train conductors who has been at the company for a few years.
She’s a good worker and we didn’t have any problems before. The company has a zero-tolerance policy against all substance use. Everyone gets routine substance tests.
After a weekend Charlotte comes in with bloodshot red eyes and I immediately suspected she was on something. I asked her about them and she said she lost her goggles and went skiing without them and got snow blinded. She is an avid skier but the explanation was really out there so I called our HR department and my boss and they advised a substance test and temporary suspension until the results came in.
I didn’t want to take chances so I followed their advice and Charlotte was put on a 3-day suspension. She was angry and claimed she has never done substances but agreed to the substance test.
The results came back negative for everything and she was put back on the job and I thought it was the end of things.
Last week she gave me her resignation letter and said she found a better job but I knew she left because of the substance testing incident. We are short-staffed so it’s been difficult to run a full operation and now my boss is mad I’m short-staffed and people are quitting even though he advised she be suspended and substance tested.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Literally, the only evidence you cite to justify the test is her having bloodshot eyes, which she gave you a perfectly good explanation for; you just decided you apparently know more about the impact of skiing without goggles than she does.
Of course she’s decided to go somewhere that will actually look at her record of being a good, honest employee before they treat her as guilty until proven innocent.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“YTJ and so is your boss. So you suspend someone, don’t pay them, and everything despite a normal explanation of why her eyes were irritated. Because you instantly suspected that substances might’ve been the issue.
While I get there’s a 0 tolerance policy, she gave you a valid reason and bam, she was right. As someone who only recently started smoking daily, I don’t get bloodshot eyes always. I got them once a couple of months ago. She gave you a truthful explanation and you still suspended her.
Then complain when she resigns because you’re short-staffed…” zZombi__
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Here’s the thing You have issues with staffing. She is a good employee. You should have given her the benefit of the doubt and then monitored her performance and then later on down the line, randomly substance-tested her and some other employees YOU made an assumption knowing full well if you were wrong, that it might result in her quitting.
And not for nothing, but she is an avid skier and the first thing that pops up when you google snow blindness eyes in an image search are bloodshot eyes. This is 100% on you for failing to manage your workplace and for making assumptions without any evidence.” The__Riker__Maneuver
20. AITJ For Gifting A Cupcake After My Aunt Cancelled The Order?
“I (19F) consider myself to be the baker of the family.
Ever since I started getting into baking a couple of years ago, every family event, social gathering, holiday, and event has had my treats.
I’ve gotten pretty good at it over the years, so most of my family members often ask me to bake for them whenever they hold a celebration.
For them, it’s far cheaper than catering, and I also earn some pocket change every once in a while.
The problem recently arose with my aunt, Liz, who decided to hold a party for my 9-year-old cousin.
Liz had asked me if I could be able to make a special birthday cupcake for the event and I had agreed thinking that I would only make one cupcake for my younger cousin.
I had mostly forgotten about this interaction until Liz called me 3 days before the event, asking for a second cupcake for her eldest, as she didn’t want her to throw a tantrum.
Now, I say that it’s a cupcake but in reality, it was at least the size of a miniature cake and took a significant time to cool down and frost.
I had told my aunt that I wouldn’t have the time and she accepted the answer but had asked to cancel the initial order as well.
I had agreed but since I already made the batter, I decided to give the cupcake as a gift instead during the party.
When the day of the party came it seemed that everything went smoothly, and I didn’t expect anything to really go wrong. Yet afterward my mom pulled me aside and told me that I shouldn’t have gifted the cupcake as my aunt was upset at me for doing so despite what she said.
My brother seems to agree. So I wanted to ask if I was the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“Honestly, I think your aunt is the bigger jerk for diminishing one child’s special day because the other might be upset. That being said, it couldn’t have hurt to ask if you could give it as a gift just to be sure.
I don’t think you’re a jerk, you put time and effort and now it sounds like your own money into making the treat and it was something special from you to your cousin. It’s unfortunate that everyone cared more about another child’s reaction than they did the birthday girl.
NTJ.” stonerd808
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. She asked that you not bring any, after explaining why only bringing one to the event was a problem she didn’t want to deal with. You then ignored that request and did it anyway. Yes, you are a jerk for ignoring a specific request that you had been told would cause problems. Especially when that request was to not do something – if you had partly finished, just keep it for yourself, take it in to work, or gift it to a friend instead…” nrsys
Another User Comments:
“Everyone’s a jerk here. Your aunt for the late notice. For you…her issue was not cost. It was that she didn’t want one kid to throw a tantrum. When you showed up with the cake anyway, it risked the tantrum she’d wanted to avoid.
Complaints about her parenting style aside, you should have respected her wishes.” [deleted]
19. AITJ For Telling My Wife She Needs To Contribute More Financially?
“In our 6-year relationship, my wife has not had a full-time job for more than 2 years. This was okay with me because she had a plan to get into a skilled position as a career. This took roughly 3 years to complete the certificate and training and get into a position.
Now that she is in said career she has decided she hates it and has pulled back to working part time a couple days a week. My salary gets us by but it’s a grind every month and there are calls about late bills every month.
Our home is falling apart, several non-working appliances, cars need overdue maintenance and we are not making progress toward debts accrued over the years of living off my income and the training and tools for the skilled position. I have built up a bit of resentment towards her for not wanting to try and help me improve our situation or at least wanting to work a little more at her job to take care of what we fell behind on.
The other 5 days a week she is home enjoying tv and lounging around. I made the comment casually “I need to work more hours because we need such and such and I’m the only one that’s going to do it for us”. She told me I’m a jerk for saying this and isn’t talking to me.”
Another User Comments:
“Wow. NTJ. You know what my wife did when I lost my job and then decided I didn’t want to go back to work and refused to take over the household chores? She cut the TV, internet, and phone and took my name off of our joint bank account then blocked my debit card.
She told me point blank that she could not afford to support me sitting home doing nothing, so if I wasn’t going to help her keep the household running, then she wasn’t going to fund ANY luxuries, period. She said her little cell phone was good enough for her and that I could tell people to leave messages on her voicemail for me.
(I was immature in my 30’s) She also told me that she would not be buying my beer or anything extra; only food, paying the household bills, and taking care of our daughter. True to her word, she always said no when I asked for smokes.
When I asked how I was supposed to get them, her answer was always “I don’t know. Not my problem.” Yeah, we went to marriage counseling. I got told I was a jerk. I have significantly matured since then, but my wife says she should have just tossed me out.
She loves me, but now, she wouldn’t have any patience for that nonsense. You shouldn’t either.” Ihazacranki
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You need to lay the cards on the table. She must work full-time at something, anything. She must contribute more money, starting immediately. There must be consequences.
All of her access to your money must stop. Are there bills in her name or only yours? Her money should be going directly to bills. What is your housing situation? Perhaps suggest that a big housing change is going to have to take place if she cannot contribute.
Can you downgrade? Take on roommates? Even give up having a place and move in with parents for a year? You can’t keep drowning because she doesn’t want to grow up and get a job. She needs to understand the severity of the situation and that you are at the limit of your patience.
Do not suggest taking on more work or a second job! That is not the solution you are looking for. She has been riding on your back for years and has forgotten that she is heavy and it was supposed to be temporary.” CatelinaBaylorfan
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for feeling the way you do, but YTJ for being passive-aggressive about it. I don’t blame you for feeling resentment, but if you feel this way and you actually want to resolve the issue, you need to communicate it in a more mature way.
Making snide comments isn’t going to get her to change her behavior, it’s only going to cause her to resent you too. If she isn’t responding to you “casually” bringing it up, maybe you aren’t being direct enough. It sounds like you are way past the need for a serious conversation, and if she and you can’t get on the same page better to know now than another few years down the line with more resentment and more debt.” loud_pete
18. AITJ For Letting My Niece Move In With Me Against Her Parents' Wishes?
“My niece is 20 and just finished beauty school.
The small town she lives in only has a couple of small salons with no vacancies, but she was able to secure a job offer as a trainee stylist in the regional capital, where I live. Since my daughter is moving out in a couple of weeks to attend boarding school, I offered my niece her room until she saves enough money to either get a car or scooter to allow her to commute from home or rent her own place locally.
She was grateful and we’re both really excited about it.
The problem is, her parents really don’t want her to move out. They need her to help with her younger siblings, and they think she should commute by public transit until she can get a vehicle.
But although it’s only a thirty-minute drive from her area, by public transit, it can take two hours; there’s no direct route and buses are really spotty. She’s really not sure if she can do a four-hour round-trip commute, work on her feet most of the day, and still help out at home.
But they are adamant that they really need her help.
Her parents want me to tell her she can’t move in. I don’t want to do that. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – the opposite in fact. You are helping this young person out and it all sounds very sensible.
Her parents are in the wrong. “Parentification occurs when the roles between a child and a parent are reversed. You know you were parentified if as a child you have to step up as the caretaker, mediator, or protector of the family. Parentification is a form of mental abuse and boundary violation.”” StarDustMiningCo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She is grown and able to make her own decisions. They are her siblings and not her children, therefore not her responsibility. It’s one thing to have an older child at home that helps with their younger siblings however when you try to stop the older child from living their life because you want their help, that is wrong.
Besides, your niece’s parents knew she would be finishing school so they had time to make whatever changes they needed to in order to make sure their other kids were good.” Like2Read18
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Please let her move in. Not only are you saving her from taking care of siblings that aren’t her responsibility, but you are helping her in so many ways.
My daughter is the same age, just finished cosmetology school, and is struggling to find a salon that will continue training her until she’s confident enough to be alone. I wish to God that there was someone willing to help her achieve her goals.
The fact that your niece found a salon that will help her is awesome, and you letting her live with you while she gets her feet under her is an amazing boost.” ConsiderationFun1530
17. AITJ For Wanting To Balance Out Educational Opportunities Between My Children?
“My wife (Mary) and I have one son (Mark, 6m). I also have a daughter (Jill, 18f) who is Mary’s stepdaughter and has lived full-time with us for the marriage. Jill’s bio mom is not involved in her life and had CPS involved before I got sole legal custody in 2014.
Jill had a hard time in middle and high school and wanted to go to private school. We always said no as we couldn’t afford it, in part because instead of daycare we had a full-time babysitter for Mark.
Jill is in her final year of college (long story) and will graduate with ~30k of loans.
We have contributed ~60k to her education, most of which was a 529 that I had coming into the marriage.
We might send Mike to a private school now. We’re in a much better financial place than we were a few years ago. I told Mary part of the calculus is not just what we pay Mike’s school, but we have to do more for Jill (I suggested paying off her loans for her).
Mary got mad when I said the decisions go hand in hand. I said treating siblings very differently tears families apart. I’m speaking from personal experience…
I am parked in the camp that if Mike goes to public school we’re fine as is.
If we send Mike to private school, it’s unfair to Jill not to do something more for her. I worry she’ll resent Mike forever if he gets what she always wanted.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“”Most of which was a 529 that I had coming into the marriage.” How much?
You gave numbers for everything else. How is Jill in her final year of college at age 18? But overall, I think this is a no jerks here situation. You’re right that with your better financial situation, you can do more for your daughter. That said, you don’t have to do more for your daughter by paying off her loans.
A college graduate should really not struggle with 30k of loans. You could put aside money for her wedding, you could contribute to grad school, and you could invest in a business she wants to start. Talk to your wife about the amount of money that would be fair to give your daughter, and set a limit you are both comfortable with.
Then include your daughter in the discussion of how you end up financially helping her!” Rojaddit
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m sooooo proud of you. I’ve read so many stories of men favoring the child with their wife over the child they had before the marriage.
Your wife is favoring her child over yours, which I expect (she may not even know that she is doing it) but you checked her. Private school and paying for college is the best way to give your kids a great head start in life.
Do that for both and they will come equipped to adulthood with the tools they need to survive.” LouisV25
Another User Comments:
“I see a lot of NTJ but I think everyone’s a jerk because if you think about it you didn’t have the same amount of money as you do now, and I also don’t think for that reason that that is favoritism.
I can say in my opinion there isn’t much of a point in sending a kid to private school, and even if you did it’s not the same amount as 4 years in college, if you said you paid off 60k for education already (which seems like your wife didn’t care about) I don’t really see the problem.
In my opinion, you should talk to your daughter about it because if you say I’m an older sister who may or may not have gotten a great education I would still want everything for my siblings.” Not-a-peoples-person
16. AITJ For Not Wanting To Get Matching Pokemon Tattoos With My Best Friend?
“My best friend (27F) and I (27M) have been friends since high school. Recently she’s been talking about wanting to get matching tattoos together.
The issue is, I am very particular about the kinds of tattoos I want including art styles and their placement (I have a list of tattoos I plan on getting and rough ideas on placements for all of them).
My best friend wants matching Pokemon tattoos which I am not completely against. I gave two suggestions while we were brainstorming, I said we could both have a small Pokeball in case either of us planned on having sleeves/a lot more tattoos or we could maybe even have our favorite Eeveelutions.
I even gave some references on styles I didn’t mind, unfortunately, the tattoo styles I like are completely different from what she likes so she suggested we get both the Eeveelutions of each other hanging out or something but in the styles we like (same tattoo, different style).
But that makes it a bigger tattoo plus I don’t want more than the one Pokemon. The more she talks about it the more I don’t want to do it anymore and I feel bad about that.
Am I the jerk for not being able to find a happy compromise?
Side note: she’s borderline obsessed with Pokemon and while I like the games etc, it’s not something I’ve ever thought about getting a tattoo for.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Tattoo should reflect both of your interests, not just hers. If you don’t want to get Pokémon tattooed on you, then you need to speak up and make your thoughts on the subject clear.
If you were going to get matching tattoos, both of you should be happy and excited about what the ultimate design looks like.” anglerfishtacos
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. My bestie and I went for coordinating tattoos, not matching or the type where the other tattoo has to be present to be complete.
In addition to so many other things we share a love for, we both have and adore cats and do rescue work as volunteers, so our best friend tattoos are cat-themed. We’re considering another one, but it’ll also be coordinating rather than matching. And a bonus for coordinating is if your circle ever expands, someone else can get in on the tattoo without it being too weird.
Or if, goodness forbid, you ever stop being friends, the tattoo hopefully won’t be too painful of a reminder.” JustNoThrowsAway
Another User Comments:
“My three best friends from high school and I talked about getting tattoos together forever. I am the only person that has any and I am quite heavily tattooed. The only reason we never got them is because we could never agree on what to get.
And I bet if we had, I’d be the only person not completely horrified now to have it. Oh yeah, and I completely fell out with one of them 3 years ago too. In short; NTJ.” [deleted]
15. AITJ For Getting More Tattoos Without My Parents' Permission?
“I (F20) recently got 3 small tattoos (about 5 cm each) on my arms, making it a total of 4 tattoos (the other one is a lot larger, but I got that a couple of months ago and they knew about it). I recently got the 3 extra tattoos and rang my parents to tell them about it.
I originally told my mum first who didn’t seem to have an issue with it and she then showed my dad, who also didn’t seem to have an issue with them.
About an hour or 2 later my dad calls me and yells at me for getting them, saying that he is angry and disappointed in me and that he would’ve never let me get the first tattoo if he knew this was going to turn into a full-blown addiction (I have 4 in total).
He then said I should’ve asked them for their opinions and if I was allowed to get them. He also said that by getting them I’m disrespecting my mum and that I know that they both would do anything for me and by getting the tattoos I’m being a disappointment.
Would that make me the jerk? I’m really stuck and I don’t know what to do or say really.
My dad also has one quite large tattoo FYI.”
Another User Comments:
“I got my first tattoo at 18 and second at 20 and it didn’t even cross my mind that I needed to ask my parents.
I wasn’t financially independent at first, then was. I never even told my parents until they saw them years later. They perhaps had an opinion, but then again, didn’t even cross my mind to bring it up. Had piercings before too. They have their own life, but only a degree of emotional involvement in yours.
I might be crazy, but it seems like a default strategy. Like, do you ask to dye your hair? Do you ask about your medical decisions? Surely not. NTJ.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re 20 years old. That pretty much says it all. They don’t have to like what you do but they don’t get a say in it anymore in any way whatsoever.
You’re an adult and you get to make your own decisions. I can’t imagine treating my children like that every time they get a tattoo. And quite frankly the only thing your parents should be speaking to you nowadays about not liking what you do as if it is a moral issue.
Tattoos or just fashion they don’t have anything to do with who you really are other than the fact that you like tattoos.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I was all set to say, yes, you did something wrong, but then I noticed your age.
While I am far from convinced that humans are fully mature at age 18, there are some things that only you should have any say in. You are legally an adult, at least in the US, so you don’t need anyone’s permission or approval to get a tattoo (or three).
I would advise you to wait until about age 25 before you get any more, but then I’m sort of conservative about things like that. You are under no obligation to pay the slightest attention to my opinion. Your father is a different matter, however. You probably don’t want to totally cut yourself off from them, so a little patience and discretion are probably indicated. Your parents are just trying to keep you from making bad decisions that will affect you for the rest of your life.
Cut them a break, and ask them to cut you one.” KatsEye68
14. AITJ For Calling Out A Coworker For Not Being A True Ally In Our Sexist Workplace?
“I (27F) work in a high-stress, male-dominated job. The whole company has about 50 employees and only 5-6 of us are female. Our boss is toxic and has out loud said in the past that he hates working with women.
So there’s never been a woman in any positions of leadership and when that was once brought up as an issue, he told us “well my secretary is a woman”. The job pays very well for entry-level people because no one stays for more than a year or two, both men and women.
Shocking.
So the few women that do work here often band together and we try to have each other’s back. Last month my friend Gina got into trouble through no fault of her own. She got roasted by our boss, brought up to be shamed by the entire administration, and basically forced out.
So I wrote a letter of support for Gina and sent an email saying “look I’m doing this. If people want to sign it and show support great. If you don’t, I understand since your job may be on the line”. Surprisingly I got a ton of support, lots of people signed, men and women.
All the women who still work here signed except for Morgan. Morgan has been here longer than me, and she sent me a private email saying “it was inappropriate and I don’t feel comfortable.” Fine. Your choice.
So the letter got a bit of social media attention here and all of a sudden there’s an announcement that Morgan will now be some VP of Field office number 4.
The last 2 weeks they have trotted her out like a show pony to make statements about how our company puts women in leadership and she got a pay raise and a new office. Nothing else has changed. Nothing has gotten better. She’s not even included in the big meetings with the board or the bosses.
So this week she calls a meeting with just the women and sits us down to discuss how we should be more supportive of the company. I basically laughed and said that nothing has changed about how we are treated just because she’s being used as the token “woman”.
She got angry and said that I wasn’t being supportive of a woman being promoted and advanced, which “surprised her” since I was so willing to throw mud at the company with the letter in support of Gina. I said, “well if you were an ally, I would be an ally but you have never proven yourself to be one”.
She said I was self-serving and if I was really such an ally towards women, then I would be supporting all women. I don’t think I was wrong to say it or think it. Friends and family are more divided…that I should be more supportive because Morgan is probably having a hard time being the first woman in any leadership and this at least is a step in the right direction.
Also, I can’t be upset that she didn’t support Gina when I told her it was her choice.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. First of all, Morgan is so weirdly confusing supporting the company with supporting women. Secondly, literally everyone knows supporting women does not equal blindly supporting every single woman who exists.
Funny the person who didn’t sign in support of another woman would dare throw those accusations around. Her promotion means nothing for women if she insists on acting like the men anyway.” Expensive-Network-93
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – she’s got a lot of nerve for the self-serving comment since what she came to y’all with is directly self-serving.
She can’t demand loyalty while being unable to give it. And she only thought the letter was inappropriate because I’m sure she knew she was getting this new job and didn’t want any blowback on her.” gurlwithdragontat2
Another User Comments:
“Everyone’s a jerk here.
But, ponder this: Do you want to keep score, punish this woman, and potentially see her fail at the new job (thus affirming all the misogyny), or do you wanna work toward making things better in terms of the bigger picture? You could accept that for a woman in a leadership role, sometimes there is no right move or answer, just bad and worse.” ArmadilloDays
13. AITJ For Being Concerned About My Son's Sudden Decision To Join The Military?
“I (F42) and my husband (M45) recently found out that our son has plans to join the military out of high school. We were shocked that he didn’t tell us, mostly because his father is a veteran, but also because up until now he had always expressed interest in going to college or a trade school after high school.
We even had a savings account set up specifically for that. He said that he didn’t want to tell us because he assumed we wouldn’t let him. I told him that while I certainly don’t want him to, I won’t stop him.
His father was a bit more concerned. Being a veteran himself he knows what the military is like.
He talked to our son about what his time was like. He still expressed interest in joining up, specifically to the Marines, which his father was as well. He said that he understands the risks, but we aren’t fully sure he does. He’s not physically in the best shape, but he says that boot camp and PT will get him in shape.
His father said that he might not be entirely correct in thinking that and also warned him that for health reasons and because of a lack of what he normally eats/drinks, he will have to drastically change his eating habits. He’s not fat, but he’s not in shape and eats a lot of unhealthy stuff.
He just said, “it’ll be fine.” He also explained that the military will be very tough and a super drastic change in life. He got mad at us and said we should stop bugging him about every little thing.
We told him we just want what’s best for him and want him to be very sure that this is what he wants to do.
His father talked to him about recruiters and such and asked if they had tried to persuade him to join with talk about benefits and stuff. His father also talked to him about the VA and how it’s very unreliable most of the time. (His words, not mine.
Sorry if this is false) Still, our son persisted saying that he made the decision on his own. He has multiple older friends in the military, though, and from his school’s social media page, I can see that a recruiter was there in the last month.
We’re just confused as to this sudden decision and looking at the circumstances we aren’t entirely sure it’s a coincidence. He just seems to brush everything we tell him off like he expected it or already knew it. Maybe he did, but we just don’t think he’s being very considerate.
He’s our only son and the military is dangerous. We’re just worried parents, but we’re also just wanting answers. He won’t tell us how he came to the decision and just says he thinks that it’s what’s best for him. At least his father can prepare him for what’s to come if he decides to join up.
Am I the jerk? Am I being too overprotective?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, it just seems to me you are being a good parent. Unsolicited advice: Depending on his aptitude and if his mind is set on joining, joining the Air Force to get into cyber security or aircraft maintenance (I recommend avionics) is not a bad idea.
I served 6 years in the Air Force as an Avionics System Tech, and after I got out I got a job doing military contracts for about $90k a year. On top of that, I have a GI bill I can still go back to college for 36 full-time months, all without a dime on my part.
Avionics will always be needed, as will cyberspace jobs. (Your husband has a point with the VA, I hear a fair amount of not-good things depending on the area) I personally think getting into a cyberspace-type job is a good route to go, as the experience will set up the opportunity for a good career outside the military.
It is at least worth a talk, I would think.” hi59238
Another User Comments:
“Yeah, that’s hard. NTJ. It’s the oddest thing. You really “can not put an old head on young shoulders” at the best of times however if you happen to be the parent it’s even harder.
There have been times when I suspected that one of my boys declined to consider perfectly rational advice I was given simply because they were at an age where they felt it was important that they made the decision independently of their parents. In other words, they were trying to “grow up”.
Several times I did have success with enlisting long-term trusted friends (that my kids knew well) to throw in their independent advice and it was really helpful. The key is however that the friend was able to give their real take on the topic at hand or it is just manipulative.
An example was when one of my sons was considering a career choice. A friend of mine in that industry sat him down and gave him an overview of the career (highs and lows). That worked wonders…. Does your husband have any trusted mates that can have a highs and lows talk with your son?” LeeroyX
Another User Comments:
“NTJ lol but your son is giving off the vibes of someone no one in his training platoon will like. If he’s relying on bootcamp to lose weight it ain’t gonna happen unless the DI decides to personally IT him every day.
The Chow Hall food is most likely high af in calories though they do have healthier options. PT is annoying as heck and is mainly cardio no real strength training like lifting. You also don’t pt a lot in boot camp. It’s physically demanding in a sense but I doubt it will get him better in shape.
I personally gained a couple of pounds (started it weighing 150 and finished weighing 160) still got first class for the fitness tests though because I played soccer my whole life and cardio is what’s mostly tested. I am now 153 and way stronger than before since I lift properly now.
But honestly, he might want to at least get some run-ins every day.” Azraels-wrath
12. AITJ For Wanting My Partner To Be More Polite And Considerate?
“My partner brought this up today even though it happened in December but we didn’t see eye to eye on it back then either. In December he was visiting me at my parents’ house because we were having a Christmas party. At the party, a family friend made a dish from Venezuela, and when my parents offered he try some, mind you in front of the family friend who made it, he straight up said “I don’t like that” and walked away.
It left everyone dumbfounded and I could tell that the person who made it felt sad. My parents were also thrown off and just stared at me.
I tried to explain to him there are more polite ways of declining things such as “no thank you, maybe later” but he said people are just too sensitive and he can say whatever he wants to say.
The next thing he did, we were walking in my neighborhood and riding on a small skateboard, when an 8-year-old kid approached us and asked “how come you ride that if it’s so small?” And he answers “Because I can” and the kid just stares at him dumbfounded. I tell him again that there are nicer ways to say things but he just says “People are too sensitive they need to get over it.” Am I in the wrong?
Am I too controlling?”
Another User Comments:
“Nope, you are NTJ but your partner is. Sure, people may be “sensitive” but there are also social protocols that we can follow in order to be polite. Also, the kid was interested in your partner’s activity and he shut him down, instead of sparking an interest in the kid.
Idk, I hate people like that, who don’t care about anyone else but themselves. He doesn’t seem to care about you, considering you’ve expressed that he makes you uncomfortable when he acts like that but refuses to even put in any minor effort in order to make you happier.
Sad.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here some people don’t like certain foods, it’s a convoluted decorum to pretend otherwise and some people don’t bother with that, more power to them. Could have been nicer but what was said wasn’t inherently unkind. I feel like intonations would be a major factor here too.
Like with the skateboard thing I’d imagine ‘because I can’ said in a way suggesting because I’m an adult and no one can tell me otherwise, sort of way (I feel like I can’t properly convey it here now) but I’m guessing that’s not the case or it wouldn’t fit with the AITJ?
Maybe both instances are coming from the perspective of not having to justify himself.” GhostlyRuminations
Another User Comments:
“Have you considered the possibility your partner may be on the spectrum (autism)? I want to say NTJ because you are correct that there are socially acceptable ways to handle those situations.
However, if there is a possibility your partner is on the spectrum then you need to understand where he is coming from. Expecting neuro-divergent people to conform to something they don’t understand or find comfortable is very stressful and draining for them. I am not condoning his behavior, but there may be an explanation for it.
PS. I find it concerning he has bought this up now considering it happened in December. It may be playing on his mind intrusively. Speak to him about it.” [deleted]
11. AITJ For Being Upset My Friends Stood Me Up On My Birthday For Another Friend's Crisis?
“This happened last month, but my friends act like I’m the biggest jerk for it. Maybe I am.
That’s for you to decide.
I wanted to see a movie and go out to dinner for my birthday. My three friends didn’t want to watch the movie but were ok with dinner.
On the day of, I got stood up at the restaurant.
Not gonna lie, it was not fun sitting alone at a table for four and never getting a message that no one was coming. I found out the next day that one friend, Trish’s other friend had a huge blowout with their family and needed support.
I never liked this friend for being really condescending to me (I’m Indonesian and my English ain’t the best) and for what they say about my home country (I will admit, Indonesia isn’t the best place on earth but it was my home for fifteen years).
So. All three friends went to go comfort the other friend.
On Monday, when they asked how my birthday was, I just said, “It was great until I got stood up at a restaurant. I wish you told me you weren’t coming in the end so I’d change plans.”
They called me selfish and that Lucy needed help and support. I wouldn’t understand what it’s like being queer in their family. And that I should understand.
I understand, but please tell me you aren’t coming. I feel like I’m at the bottom rung compared to Lucy.
I don’t hate them but tell me that I’m not a priority so I can move on and find other friends. I’m tired of being treated like something best forgotten.
AITJ for telling my friends my birthday sucked when they were dealing with a crisis?”
Another User Comments:
“Um, they told you that you weren’t a priority when they no-showed/no called/no texted you and when they left you hanging at a restaurant. They told you that you weren’t their priority when they wouldn’t even go to a movie with you on your birthday because they weren’t interested. They told you that you weren’t their priority when they refused to apologize and blamed you for their inconsiderate behavior.
Accept the message and move on to people who deserve your friendship. They don’t.” PrivateEyes2020
Another User Comments:
“Seriously NTJ. Why do people think that what you need at the time is controlling? I myself literally get called that because I get obviously upset at someone when they say and promise they’re coming but then they don’t contact me for 2 days straight, and when that makes me upset (as I should be) I’m CONTROLLING????
You’re NTJ. Certain situations don’t even exclude it if you know there is more than 1 responsibility to happen. No matter the situation, you could’ve been given an easy update, even a short text “Can’t come. Bad emergency” and etc. NTJ” MoistGummi
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Please drop these people. They insult your homeland. They can’t be bothered to text you that they are ditching you for another friend, AND they then blame you because they don’t see any problem with ghosting you on your birthday. Since you are tired of this behavior, this is clearly not a one-time thing.
They have a track record of blowing you off. So why do you need them to tell you what to do? Why do you want them to dictate your actions? Do you have some secret hope that if you put them on the spot, they will tell you ‘no they really care for you and consider you one of their top friends’?
Because why else aren’t you the one choosing to walk away from them? You can tell them how they’ve hurt you or not. You simply have to choose to be happier without their second-hand company and choose to look for friends who value you as much as you value them.” swillshop
10. AITJ For Asking My Sister To Stop Hugging Me Because I'm A Guy?
“My (16m) sister (23f) is pretty physically affectionate with our parents and me. She pretty much always hugs me whenever she says hello or goodbye to me and we see each other pretty often because she lives only an hour away since her job at her software company isn’t too far from where our parents and I live.
I had a friend over yesterday. My sister was visiting on the same day. My friend and I were playing some video games in the living room, and my sister entered the house and when she saw me she hugged me. Normally I think that’s normal behavior of her.
But after she went to greet our parents, my friend said that it was weird to let her hug me since I’m a guy. He said that he and his brother never hugged once they entered high school(his bro is only a year older).
I told this to my sister and told her that she should stop hugging me because I’m a guy and am 16. She said that if I really didn’t like her hugging me she would stop(frankly I don’t care if she hugs me or not but I let it happen because I know she’s just a very affectionate person), but said that it was a stupid reason that I was asking her to stop hugging me.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Oh my god. Don’t let your crummy friend and his toxic masculinity nonsense stop you from hugging your sister! She’s affectionate with those she loves. It’s not a big deal. And who doesn’t like a hug every now and then?
And why are you letting your friend tell you how to act around your own family? I’m glad he and his bro are comfortable doing their whole “no homo” shtick. But don’t make your sister deal with it. In fact, log off right now, and go hug your sister.
If you do… you don’t have to be a jerk anymore.” TheHipReplacement
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Sad story from my childhood. I have a brother who is five years older than me. When I was a kid, I ADORED my big brother in only the way a baby sister can.
When he was about 12 and I was about 7, he told me “I can’t play with you anymore because you are a girl and I can’t play with girls.” This shattered my heart as well as my self-esteem since obviously, something was very wrong with me since my beloved brother no longer wanted to be around me.
To this day, nearly 40 years later, my older brother and I have NO relationship. None. I can’t even think of the last time we actually talked to each other and we only see each other (in passing) on the holidays. Now, this might have been inevitable, there is a lot more going on between us than one childhood encounter, but that moment and those words were pivotal for me and the way I relate to the world.
So congrats, in the future you might look back and see this encounter as one that irrevocably changed you, your sister, and y’all’s relationship.” the_owl_syndicate
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, I’m a 20-year-old dude about to be 21 in a few weeks I still hug my parents and my 18-year-old brother!
I even say I love you to them in front of anyone and everyone. I get that some people are more affectionate than others but don’t let your friends make you think it’s weird to show affection to your family mate. I also understand that at that age getting an I love you or a hug from family in public or around friends is “embarrassing” and you’ll see how silly this is in a few years.” RestaurantEarly7672
9. AITJ For Pressing Charges Against My Mother For Identity Fraud?
“My mother (52F) has been a chronic substance abuser my entire life. I have 7 sisters and 5 brothers, some are step-siblings with my stepdad (56M) ranging from 32 to 15 and they all seem to think that I am the jerk.
So my mother has repeatedly been in and out of rehab, and we as kids have been in and out of foster homes. She has found every possible way to hurt us. From neglect of us, growing up in filth, no basic needs met emotionally and physically.
It took a lot of years of therapy to learn that a lot of this wasn’t normal.
Now that all of us older kids moved out my younger brother (15M) who is wheelchair-bound from muscular dystrophy has been completely neglected still. My mother has somehow kept him by the skin of her teeth, she finds a way to get through the system over and over again.
We older sisters have all tried to file for custody and get him removed from the house. Then magically the house will be clean, she will pass a substance test, etc.
This woman has been a terrible person to all of us. She is so far gone that when I came into town last year and stopped to see my brother (expecting she wouldn’t be there) she answered the door and didn’t recognize me and thought I was a child protective service worker.
Now the cherry on top is today after years of me cutting her out of our life, she’s decided to move out of the home and give my sister (25F) custody of my brother. My sister went into the home today to pack my brother’s salvageable stuff and get his medical equipment, as I’m now 650 miles away from my mother and still not far enough if you ask me or I would have been there to help..
my sister found walking into the home a letter from the electric company in MY name the bill totaled to $5,867.68 and a SHUT OFF from last month, with my brother being disabled and relying on electricity for his medical equipment the electric company didn’t shut it off sooner.
I called my stepdad as she won’t answer my calls and he said she refuses to have a word with me.
I let my siblings all know in a family group chat that she has until tonight to contact me and make a plan to rectify it.
Or tomorrow I’m pressing charges. The electric company has already been notified about the fraud but next is the police. But everyone is telling me I’m the jerk? So am I?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is identity fraud that could seriously impact your life and even future job prospects.
This is not about being or not being a jerk, this is about your life potentially a court appearance for nonpayment of debt. What else has she taken out in your name? You may need to consider contacting relevant credit agencies to see what else you are on the hook for.
You need to make a formal complaint just to protect yourself.” Whitestaunton
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I suggest that you find a service that will do a check up on your SSN and such and if you can get through to your siblings to tell them to do the same.
Hopefully, yours is the only info she used but if not then it may open their eyes to the whole situation. I’m glad that your brother is safe now. I’ll say it again – you are absolutely NTJ. Your mother not only neglected you and your siblings, she stole your identity and racked up a massive electric bill to add insult to injury.” boogerpeanut
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’ve tried to help your brother. And you have to do what you have to do to protect your credit and not end up with a $5,000+ debt. Personally, I would not give her a chance to come up with a plan to fix it, because she will give you a song and dance and still not fix it.
Plus, it could negatively affect your credit. I would also suggest you check your credit report to see what else she has been charging to your name.” Aylauria
8. AITJ For Not Helping My Husband Put Our Son To Bed After He Ignored My Advice?
“I (27F) have a son (1M) with my husband (29M). I tend to put our son to bed since my husband works pretty late into the day so he is either too tired to do so, or refuses to because he doesn’t know what to do (I have tried to show him before plenty of times in the past but he refused).
Yesterday (Friday) we visited some relatives that were a bit far from our house, and due to the drive back, our son stayed up 2 hours past his bedtime. Whenever he stays up too late he tends to cry a lot and it’s very tricky to get him to go to bed. I had done our usual routine with my son which consisted of giving him a bottle and laying him in his crib.
However my son wasn’t having it and refused to stay in the crib and kept reaching for someone to pick him up, I thought he wanted to be rocked but nope. He continued to cry, and I tried everything I could think of. So I decided to leave him in his crib and let him cry it out while I monitored him on his baby monitor app, and if he continued after 10 minutes I would go and get him.
So I waited in the bedroom where my husband was sleeping with the monitor playing.
My husband woke up and asked me if I was seriously gonna let him cry it out, and what kind of mother I was, and “it’s not that hard to put a child to bed”.
I told him I had tried everything, and he wouldn’t know what to do either since he had never attempted to put our kid to bed. He rolled his eyes at me and laid back down. About 6 minutes in, my husband tells me that he is gonna go and get our kid.
I told him no, since he was starting to fall asleep as I could see it on the monitor app, but he refused and said that he wasn’t gonna let our kid cry for his mother that doesn’t care about him. I told him that if he got our kid, I wasn’t going to help him and I was going back to bed, and he could deal with it on his own.
He went and tried to console our kid anyway, which didn’t work by the way since all I heard was our son crying all night long.
My husband kept shouting my name and I just stayed in bed. I woke up the next morning to my husband not by my side, I checked my son’s bedroom and he was sitting in the rocking chair staring at our kid who was sleeping in his crib.
He told me that our son had just fallen asleep 3 hours ago but kept waking up so he stayed to keep an eye on him. Husband called me a jerk for not helping, but I told him that I wouldn’t help him if he woke our kid up.
He insisted that I was in the wrong, and I just walked out of the room.
Now I’m feeling as if I was in the wrong for ignoring his calls for help, but I gave him a warning beforehand. So, am I the jerk for not helping my husband put our son to bed?”
Another User Comments:
“Girl that’s weaponized incompetence at work, your husband is the jerk here. You literally told him to not do it, he brought this upon himself. You were definitely not in the wrong you were just sticking to what you said. You seem like you have two children by the way your husband’s acting.
Respectfully your husband needs to get his act together, does he help out with the baby at all? If he can’t be bothered to put the baby to sleep I can’t imagine he’s bothered to do anything else. If it’s “not that hard to put a child to bed” then why doesn’t he do it more often?” i_needauser
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – It’s one thing if a kid can only be put to bed by one parent because the other is at work or your kid is just a little stubborn and only one or the other will do the trick, that’s just kids and life, it happens.
But your “husband” is being a stubborn jerk by not wanting to learn how to help with his own child. I put “husband” like this because he is no longer one but just some dude you’re living with if he isn’t going to actually be a team player.
The fact that the kid was winding down and falling asleep and he decides to go rile him up to make a point just makes him even more a stubborn jerk.” Ixixly
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I’m going to stay out of the ‘cry it out or not’ debate.
But your husband found out what it means to put the kid to bed. And now he’s learned, he’s no excuse that he ‘doesn’t know how to do it’ or that ‘it’s not that hard’. He ignored your expertise that he has previously relied on in order to not have to do bedtime.
He knew he was going against your experience and that you were not intending to be getting up all night because of it. He made his choice. You’re not a jerk for sticking to what you know to work when someone who by their own confession ‘doesn’t know’ decided to do things differently.
‘ Now the two of you need to talk out whether or not you’re going to, between you, let him cry it out or not and if so under what circumstances and how to split the responsibilities between you. Because it can’t just be that you get up all the time, put the kid to bed all the time, and deal with the kid not going down all the time.
And now that your husband knows perfectly well what it takes, he can’t claim ignorance to get out of it.” Left-Car6520
7. AITJ For Kicking Out My Husband And Brother From The Hospital After Giving Birth?
“My brother and husband used to be extremely close but that all changed when my husband and I started having issues. Now they can barely tolerate each other and most of their conversations end up in arguments.
I was staying with my brother so he and my sister-in-law drove me to the hospital when I went into labour.
My brother didn’t want to call my husband but my sister-in-law ended up doing it after I said it was okay. Things were tense between them as soon as my husband got there but they didn’t start fighting until after the birth was over.
I was getting sick of them speaking about me like I wasn’t there so I told them to stop or they could both leave. Neither of them listened so I first had my brother kicked out and then my husband even though he felt like he should be allowed to stay since our son was there and the issue was over now that my brother was gone.
I didn’t listen, though, and had him kicked out too.
This is the first time in a long time that they agree on something, but both my husband and brother are angry at me for having them kicked out.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I too had to have my own parents kicked out.
Caused a huge scene over the phone before ever arriving. Things got ugly the closer it got to delivery. It’s absolutely ridiculous that at what should be one of the happiest moments of your life, they had to ruin it by making it about them.
They are 100% responsible for their own behavior & if they can’t act right, then, yes, there will be consequences. You will have to implement even more boundaries now that you are responsible for that baby too. Family does not mean entitled. Everyone has to earn their spot in your life, and now that’s baby’s.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are in charge of who gets to attend your own labor and they should have been able to handle this like grown-ups. One thought: sometimes these difficulties between in-laws arise because a protective family member hears stuff about the partner which can’t be unheard.
E.g. husband argues with wife, goes to family and complains about her, then goes back to the wife and they move on but the family is left with resentment. I’m not saying that is what has happened here because we don’t have enough info.
It can be a factor.” Chilli_Civily
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But if you’re staying with your brother because of problems with your husband, I would tread lightly about how you treat him. Allowing a woman and a newborn to live with him is probably a lot, but he probably sees your husband as such an issue that he’s willing to deal with it to have you somewhere safe.
Don’t step on that kindness or take it for granted. And if your husband isn’t a good guy, don’t draw things out and flip-flop with going back and forth, just focus on co-parenting well. I hope you and baby are okay, and I’m sorry they couldn’t put their fighting on hold and focus on you and the baby.” crystallz2000
6. AITJ For Paying For My Older Son's Wedding And Not My Younger Son's Second Wedding?
“I am very comfortable financially, and I paid for all three of my children’s first weddings. Daughter is still married and not part of this story. Younger son divorced wife three years into marriage. Two years later he married his second wife, which they paid for themselves.
He didn’t ask for money and I didn’t offer. They are currently divorcing.
Oldest son was married to wife for seven years. They had two kids. She died four years ago in a tragic accident. 18 months ago son started seeing P. P also has two kids of similar ages to my grandkids.
P and her kids have become part of the family, and I have started including the kids in gift-giving and grandkid outings.
They are planning their wedding, and I told my son and P I would pay. He thanked me because things are tight for them financially.
Younger son found out and was upset. He asked why I offered to pay for older son’s wedding and not his. I said older son needed the help since four kids are a lot of expenses. Younger son thinks I’m punishing him for getting divorced and not having kids.
I’m not, or at least I don’t think so.
Is this favoritism? AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m going to go out on a limb and point out that the only reason your middle son is getting/got remarried is because his wife tragically passed. I’m sorry for your loss.
If your youngest son cannot see the difference there is something greater at play. My dad pitched in for my wedding when I asked for some assistance (I’m the oldest) and never asked my parents for money or anything besides advice. I took care of my own education as well.
My brother who got married before me got nothing, he didn’t ask and didn’t invite my parents to their elopement. Point being dramatically different situations result in outcomes.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You keep insisting that you paid because Older Son has financial difficulties, but it’s clear you don’t really respect Younger Son’s decision not to have children.
If you had said ‘I’m paying for his wedding because his household took a hit when his wife tragically died and he deserves some happiness’, fair enough, but you explicitly said it’s because of the children he and his new wife chose to have.
It’s no wonder Younger Son is hurt. He probably just hasn’t put his finger on why. He’s in the right – he shouldn’t get any less from you because he doesn’t have kids. He is your child; the 4 grandkids are your son’s responsibility.
Older Son’s inheritance from you is already a bonus for them, especially the stepkids. I can’t bring myself to call you a jerk for helping your widowed son, but your other son and daughter are already losing out by your giving gifts, etc to FOUR grandchildren.
Again, it was your son and DIL’s decision to have these children. It’s your money, but don’t pretend you’re treating your kids equally.” HiddenDestiny251
Another User Comments:
“NTJ even if it would be cause he divorced I don’t think that makes you a bad human being.
BUT you paid for everybody’s first wedding. Youngest son gets divorced = his decision, he marries again and doesn’t seem to need financial help so you don’t offer, complains now that you didn’t pay for the second failed marriage meanwhile oldest son lost his wife in a tragic accident, left behind with 2 kids and thank god found a sweet loving woman with also 2 kids and everybody is happy together including you.
You just also gained 2 grandchildren. You are not a bank! you don’t have to pay for anything, they should be happy you did! It seems rather ungrateful of him honestly. Your youngest should calm down, maybe rethink his life, and then maybe later on ask you to pay for his 3rd wedding since 3rd time’s the charm no?” mrscatastrophe
5. AITJ For Choosing To Visit My Late Son's Grave Over Attending A Pre-Wedding Lunch?
“I (46M) am married to my second wife (44F). We have been married for 11 years, together for 15. She has two kids from her first marriage, who are now 24F and 19M. Their dad wasn’t involved much and I practically raised them with my wife, especially the 19M.
I had a child with my first wife (a boy), but he died from leukemia when he was 3 years old. My wife and I divorced shortly after that. Every year on the anniversary of his death we still get together, visit his grave, have a cup of coffee together, and just talk about him.
This year, my stepdaughter is getting married two days after the anniversary of my son’s death. I will walk her down the aisle, and I am super happy about it. I won’t be attending the lunch two days before the wedding though (with both families of the soon-to-be-married couple), because I will be spending that day with my ex-wife.
I am attending the rehearsal dinner the day before the wedding (the same people will be there and at the lunch).
When I told this to my wife and stepdaughter, they both got very upset about it, my wife said I’m a jerk for not prioritizing our daughter over a trip down memory lane with my ex, and my stepdaughter said that I disappointed her now just like her bio dad always did.
My stepson is on my side, saying I will attend everything else, pay for the wedding, and have been very involved in all the planning and everything.
For some info: the wedding is in 3 weeks (and the lunch was planned a couple of days ago, it wasn’t the original plan – the rest was arranged months ago).
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Visiting your son’s grave is important to you, and has been for years. Not only that, but your family knows the day you do this, has known this for a long time, and scheduled the event on that day anyway.
They should have expected this. As far as your stepdaughter’s reaction goes: it’s unfair to say you are disappointing her like her bio dad did. She is comparing one day to a lifetime. That is ridiculous and makes her sound like a spoiled brat.
Your stepson is right – you are attending (and paying for) everything else. They can allow you this one absence. If your stepdaughter doesn’t like it, she can pay for everything herself, then she can really know how it feels like to be disappointed.” bamf1701
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you’re prioritizing your own healing and grief, you’re not missing anything that is vital to the wedding at all. Anyone who asks where you are and isn’t happy with the answer is a jerk. You could explain it to your SD like this – “I love you and am so happy you are my daughter.
You’ve had me as a parent for 15 years and they have been the best years of my life. Me loving my son doesn’t take away from my love for you in any way. I need this time to help with my grief and healing.
Both of these things will be with me my entire life, as will my love and memories for my son, as will my love and memories with you. I can’t wait to throw myself into your special day and share in all of the love, happiness, and joy that will bring to us all.
However, I will need my one day to share the love and joy my son brought me with his mother. One day out of 365 is all I am taking (not asking!). This lunch is important to you and I recognize this but I am asking you to recognize and respect the importance of my child and my grief.”
Honestly, she is old enough to understand and maybe is just freaking out on everything not being 100% perfect, seeing your absence as a bad omen, etc. Many brides forget that their wedding isn’t the be-all and end-all for everyone else that it is for them.
She needs a gentle reminder that other people have feelings and needs that will sometimes override hers. Yes even in the run-up to her wedding day.” sally_marie_b
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You might be divorced but you and your ex knew your son better than anyone else did.
It isn’t a trip down memory lane, it is sharing memories of a real person who unfortunately didn’t live long enough to have more people meet him and get to know and like or love him for who he was. You’re remembering your son, he deserves that.
He isn’t “memory lane”, remembering carefree days in college or high school is memory lane. He is a person who passed too young and should be remembered for himself and also for what he brought to your life. It doesn’t matter who you remember him with – he’s your son, he’s important and he should be remembered. 19M has been raised with you as a father figure since he was barely older than your son – he respects you as a father who takes one day a year to still be a father to a son you didn’t have the chance to see grow.
He’s also seen the other side, having a father who doesn’t care. Listen to him – he likes that you care. He mentioned everything you did to show you cared for his sister, and I’m 100% sure he supports you because he feels the care you have for him.
Lifelong care, like you have for your son, even if it means he’s not always the top priority. He knows he’s a priority to you, he knows what it means, and he knows your son continues to deserve that.” Ok-Raspberry7884
4. AITJ For Being Upset My Best Friend Didn't Give A Speech At My Wedding Due To Her Social Anxiety?
“My MOH and also my best friend and I have been in a fight right now because she refused to give a speech at my wedding.
All people close to me and my husband gave one except her, my literal best friend. The reason was that she has social anxiety and she was too scared to get on the mic and say something. Many times I assured her it’s not that hard and I could help write a speech to make it easier for her but she said it doesn’t matter if the speech is already written or not, she can’t do it.
Even on the day of the wedding, I tried to persuade her but she kept saying no. People told me to stop pressing the matter and just move on. But I’m still mad and I spoke with her after the wedding and called her ridiculous for what she did.
Now many people including my other bridesmaids are calling me inconsiderate and saying that I should respect her boundaries instead of shaming her for not doing something that’s causing her anxiety. I told them that she could just take her meds and she’d be fine but they called me an ignorant jerk for trying to suggest what she should do just so she could give a speech to my wedding.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ! Why couldn’t you accept all the other ways she supported you and let this one go? You’re all butthurt because she’s your best friend and couldn’t make a speech, but what about YOUR responsibility as HER friend to understand and respect the fact that she has anxiety?
Ugh. Your friend needs a better friend. Are you always this self-absorbed, or was it wedding-induced? I really hope it was out of character, and once you calm down you can make things right with her. She deserves better.” inara_weatherwax
Another User Comments:
“If everyone in your life is telling you that you’re the jerk, have you considered that maybe you’re the jerk?
You clearly don’t understand how serious and real this medical condition is. Especially with phrases like “it’s not that hard”. I don’t see why you so desperately need a speech from her anyway. I have social anxiety. I’ve flat-out fainted on the spot before during a bad moment.
Hit the ground and everything. Anxiety isn’t rational, but it evokes a strong, physical response. It feels like you’re having a genuine heart attack. Difficulty breathing, chills, chest pain, racing heart, feeling of dread, numb limbs, shaking, nausea. If you’re fine and dandy with her suffering that way, you’re a bad friend.
YTJ.” littlehappyfeets
Another User Comments:
“YTJ and your other friends are right, you are being ignorant. Social anxiety isn’t being lazy and not wanting to write a speech or go through with giving one, it’s a deep and intensely crippling fear. You say your MOH is your best friend, so you must understand that this is not a new source of anxiety for her.
“Taking her meds” isn’t a solution to all those problems, and she wasn’t doing this to slight you or hurt you. It’s completely unreasonable to ask someone with severe social anxiety to just get over it and insist “it’s not that hard” when it is so much deeper than that for her.
She was still your MOH (which by the way comes with many social responsibilities aside from giving a public toast) and showed how much she wanted to celebrate you and your spouse. Don’t push people’s boundaries, especially when you knew far in advance what they were.” Walkinginspace4
3. AITJ For Telling My Sister I'm Sick Of Hearing About Her Hypothetical Pregnancy?
“For the past year my sister has been trying to get pregnant, a journey on which I fully support her.
However, she’s been kind of obnoxious about it. She’s always bringing up how she might be pregnant. “No wine for me, I might be pregnant. I can’t keep the fast today, might be pregnant. I miss sushi, but I have to abstain because I might be pregnant.” She’s been pregnant and not pregnant for so long that I’m starting to worry she’ll give birth to a cat.
Last night I told her about an upcoming trip I have with my partner and some friends. We’re going river rafting, which I’ve never done before and was excited about. She jumped in with “I’d love to try that too, but I can’t because I might be pregnant.”
I got annoyed because we were talking about me for once and she found a way to make it about her hypothetical pregnancy again. I said, “Well, no one invited you.” She asked me what my problem was, and I said I was sick of hearing about her hypothetical pregnancy.
She said I was immature and left.
I feel bad, but also I am so sick of hearing about Shrodinger’s pregnancy. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but resistance is futile. Your sister is probably more anxious and upset than you know about whether or not she is or is going to have fertility problems. She probably is bringing it up all the time but trust me, if she actually gets pregnant her monopoly on conversation will go into overdrive for the rest of her life.
Nothing will get through to her as she rambles on about Junior’s college applications. I would just lower your expectations of her conversation skills and try to talk to others at family gatherings. You are going to need to develop some coping skills because she is going to drive you crazy.” Timely_Cake_8304
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – she’s been trying for a year now, at which point if you haven’t had success most doctors will diagnose you with unexplained infertility (if they can’t find a reason you haven’t conceived). For a lot of women, by the time you are a year in you’re already feeling heartbroken every month you haven’t conceived, and trying to have a baby has a way of taking over most of your life.
You do start putting off plans (no, I won’t plan a holiday because if I get pregnant next month I’ll be due not long after and I don’t want to go on a trip when I’m that far along), and not drinking (oh it’s 7 days since I ovulated, I better not drink in case I have conceived this month).
It literally consumes you. Have a little empathy for her and at the very least just ignore those comments she makes. She’s probably having a harder time than you know right now.” Ru_the_day
Another User Comments:
“I’m gonna have to go for YTJ, just going off the info you gave.
You say your sister has been trying to get pregnant for a year. Is this just a casual, “We’re trying while I should be ovulating and hoping for the best” or is she struggling with infertility? If she’s going to a clinic, using IVF, tracking periods and ovulation, etc, then it is COMPLETELY understandable for her to be on edge and paranoid about anything that could potentially compromise a hard-fought-for pregnancy.
Even if she isn’t struggling with fertility, is she anxious to have a child? Is this something she’s always wanted and she’s growing more fearful it won’t happen the longer she isn’t pregnant? Has she lost a pregnancy before that she maybe hasn’t told you about?
Honestly, there are so many reasons that she may be feeling anxious and instead of ASKING her, you lashed out at her. Instead of saying, “Hey, I’m kinda concerned about how much you’re letting the possibility of pregnancy interfere with your daily life.” Pregnancy can be a very nerve-wracking and intimate thing for some women – to lash out at her like that was, at best, inconsiderate.
Next time, take some compassion into the conversation and maybe you’ll get to the real root of the issue.” MedicalZebra22
2. AITJ For Waiting To Inform My Wife's Parents About The Birth Of Our Child?
“My wife and I had our first child recently, born around 2 am at the hospital. My wife had gone through a rough labor period that went for ~24 hours and opted for an epidural for the actual birth. Obviously, we were very excited to meet our daughter but also exhausted from an entire day of dealing with labor pains and driving back and forth from the hospital (they didn’t take us the first time saying the contractions were too far apart).
My wife didn’t immediately text her parents when the baby was born, sleeping/feeding the baby for the majority of the rest of the day in the hospital. She texted her parents around 7:30 pm (10:30 pm their time) later that day that our child was born.
Her parents came to visit ~3 weeks after the baby was born along with her siblings (which was too early for my wife but that’s a separate issue). The visit started out pleasantly enough but her parents expressed that they wanted to discuss something separately with my wife.
I kept her siblings company while my wife and her parents went to a separate room.
As it turned out, her parents were very upset that she had waited so long to let them know about our baby being born. Her dad mentioned how he was at a work party the day we were at the hospital where people were asking if the baby was born yet and that he was so embarrassed he wasn’t able to tell them since he didn’t know the baby had already been born until later that day.
This felt very uncharacteristic of them since they’re normally very reasonable people who my wife and I thought something like this wouldn’t have bothered them, seeing as they themselves had my wife and her three siblings. My wife felt she was completely justified in waiting until she did to text them given how tired she was.
She was unable to adequately express her views at the time, however, since she was on her own and felt like it came completely out of left field and was left completely stunned. She later told me how upset she felt from being berated in her own home.
I agree with my wife and think her parents didn’t show the greatest reasoning and judgment in this whole situation. That said, trying to look at it from the other side, I wonder if maybe we could’ve just sent a quick text and then gone further into detail at a later time.
This was our first child and in-laws’ first grandchild so we had no precedent on what an acceptable window is to let the grandparents know of their grandchild’s birth. Are we the jerk for waiting ~17 hours to text her parents?”
Another User Comments:
“As a grandma, I understand wanting to be kept in the loop.
Your wife is their baby, and they no doubt would have appreciated a text saying “Baby Here. Everyone well and tired. Talk tomorrow.” It would have taken about 2 minutes. And as a woman who has given birth 4 times, I also understand the exhaustion and the focus on nothing but childbirth.
I didn’t care who heard from me after I had the twins. But you’re NTJ, because, at the end of the day, it’s your child and your choice on when to announce the birth (And your in-laws’ reasoning for wanting to know is odd too… embarrassment?
What, did his boss shame them? How about wondering if their child was okay?). And I do not agree with their isolating your wife to berate her. Not well played.” my80saddiction
Another User Comments:
“More info needed: Did you inform her parents that you were going to the hospital prior to the birth?
This makes a HUGE difference. If they were waiting for hours without a word or a text to say, “Mom and baby are fine. We’re beat. Particulars to follow.” Then you, OP, messed up. Dad, you could, and should, have been in charge of the announcements and updates.
DAD, you have a job in this. You can accept responsibility for not informing your in-laws. Get them off of your wife as she needs to focus on the baby and her self-care. You, OP, will never be as wrung out, overworked, tired, and as hormonal as your wife.
Giving birth takes a toll on all of her organs. Her hormones are out of control trying to regulate as she moves from pregnant to postpartum and lactation. She may feel overwhelmed, it’s all new and now she is being scolded by her mom and dad for “not doing it right”.
It had to be hard for her as it happened in her home, her safe place. You would be the jerk if you simply fade into the background without attempting to gently put things right. OP, take one for the team, Your wife gave birth to y’all’s beautiful baby, had someone thread a needle up her spine, literally labored for 24+ hrs.
You can shoulder this, claim culpability, apologize, and move forward. CONGRATULATIONS on your new baby, OP!” No-Net8938
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. No one is entitled to be updated about a birth and it’s 100% your decision when/how to share. I would understand if several days/weeks passed before they were notified and they were hurt by that, but it still wouldn’t have been cool to bring up – and the fact that it was within a day makes it extremely inappropriate.
I’m not suggesting going scorched earth here, but I wouldn’t apologize. “I’m sorry you feel that way, but the focus was rightfully on mother and child and we updated you as soon as we were ready. Please respect that decision and I hope we can move forward.”” Sea-Grapefruit5561
1. AITJ For Insisting My Fiancé's Friend Wear The Bridesmaid Dress I Chose?
“One of my fiancé’s best friends is a woman “Lauren” who he wanted to include in our wedding. We ended up asking her to be a bridesmaid, though she is his friend and not mine. Well, Lauren has been nothing short of a nightmare when it comes to picking out bridesmaid dresses.
She claims the ones I like are too frumpy/conservative/outdated, and it is affecting her self-esteem.
I pretty much told her as nicely as possible to get over it. Well, Lauren went to my fiancé crying and said she is so uncomfortable with my choice and it is messing up her body image issues.
My fiancé said he would talk to her and maybe she could stand on his side and wear a different dress.
Now my issue isn’t even which side she stands on anymore. It is about setting boundaries and being a united front. I told her fiancé that he needs to side with me to set a precedent and that a true friend would wear the dress.
He says I’m being too harsh and why do I care when she isn’t even my friend? I am standing firm and saying if she wants to be in the wedding at all, she needs to wear the dress because this isn’t her own private fashion show.”
Another User Comments:
“Lauren is being a bit entitled. Bridesmaid dresses are picked by the bride, and you’re already being super cool by including her. It’s one day. You’d think she could just suck it up, and I call BS on the “body image issues”.
I think she just doesn’t like the dress. But why would you die on this sword? I know, it’s your wedding, and so on… It really doesn’t matter that much, does it? As long as what Lauren wears goes with what everyone else wears, she’ll look fine.
Why force someone to pay for and wear a dress that makes them feel crappy? You don’t “set boundaries” (your phrase). That’s controlling and veers off into bridezilla territory. Everyone’s a jerk here.” Total-Being-4278
Another User Comments:
“I’m surprised by the number of NTJs… The way I see it, your last remark… “I am standing firm and saying if she wants to be in the wedding at all, she needs to wear the dress because this isn’t her own private fashion show” … pushes you straight into YTJ territory.
Seriously. She’s not your friend and you have no right to demand she sucks up to you and plays bridesmaid or forego the wedding entirely. She’s there for him rather than you. There is no reason why she can’t stand on your fiancé’s side, nor is there any reason why she can’t wear something she’s actually comfortable with.
Her reasons for not liking the clothes you picked are irrelevant. The notion that your soon-to-be-husband “needs to side with you to set a precedent”… What, you expect him to side with you ever after too? No, he should side with you when he thinks you’re right, and when he thinks you’re wrong it’s his job to call you out on it.
Which is what he’s doing. Thumbs up for him. You’re not setting boundaries. You’re just being controlling bridezilla.” Pondering-Out-Loud
Another User Comments:
“I don’t know how popular this might be but YTJ, a “true friend” like you say would listen when a member of their bridal party is expressing concern that the outfit they’re being told to wear is making them feel insecure.
I can tell you that as long as the dress Lauren wears is within the general color scheme and is a normal bridesmaid dress, ie not too revealing or over the top, no one will actually notice her and no one will remember her outfit.
The wedding may not be her fashion show but it’s not your “I’m overlooking someone’s mental health for an aesthetic” show.” The_Death_Flower
