People Give Us Permission To Criticize Them In Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
18. AITJ For Telling My Niece She Can't Wear A Velvet Dress?
“I (44F) have a daughter Maddy (10F). Maddy has Autism and was diagnosed when she was 3. With lots of early intervention, physio, counseling, etc, we have come to a great outcome where Maddy is comfortable not masking in a lot of situations, can voice her discomfort about a lot of things without going mute, and is basically doing really well.
We do not use her autism as an excuse for any misbehaviors. Sure, they can be a ‘reason’ – but she still has to (and does) accept the consequences of what happens if she loses it basically. I don’t really have a great example – but I hope that makes sense.
Anyway, Maddy and her cousin Sarah (12F) are pretty close. Sarah lives a few hours away, but the girls facetime and chat regularly. Sarah was coming to see us for Maddy’s birthday last weekend and they were going to have a girl’s day out, dress up and go see a movie in Gold Class cinema… Until Sarah turned up in a velvet green dress.
Maddy cannot tolerate velvet at all. It makes her gag and vomit. Obviously, something we’re working on in therapy (it’s a few textures that she has a reaction to), but because it wasn’t something… common in our lives, we’d never mentioned it to Sarah or my brother (her dad).
Sarah grabbed the dress out when she arrived and said ‘Daddy and I picked this out especially, I can’t wait to wear it’ as Maddy excused herself to go to her room. I very gently told Sarah that it was a lovely dress, and I’d definitely love to take her out to lunch in it next time she was here; but that she couldn’t wear that dress because it would make Maddy super sick.
I told her she could pick anything from Maddy’s closet OR we could jump in the car now and I could buy her something else. Sarah pouted for a minute, but then said ‘Let me look in Maddy’s closet first and I’ll see if she’s okay’.
Maddy called out from her room ‘Don’t bring the dress near me please!’ and they were fine. Sarah found something, it fit, and they were happy.
I took photos and shared one on social media where my brother went crazy telling me that I had no right to do that, that he spent lots of money on the dress, and that I was raising an entitled witch who needed to get ‘over’ her weirdness, and that he didn’t even think she was autistic because ‘she makes eye contact and talks to me just fine’.
Sarah texted Maddy and said she wasn’t allowed back until Maddy apologized, and I apologized, and now Maddy is just devastated. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You tried to offer workarounds, and your niece was happy with it. Fun was had.
Your brother just thinks your daughter is ‘weird’ and needs to get over it.
I’m autistic, and most people don’t know that, because… a lot of reasons. I can make eye contact. Still autistic.
Your daughter has a medical issue, and he needs to accept that. You and Maddy did nothing wrong, and it sounds like even Sarah isn’t mad about it at all.
It sounds like your brother just wanted to show off the dress he bought his daughter. ‘Look what a good dad I am (as I’m cruel to my niece).'” tinysydneh
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I’m impressed by how gracefully your niece handled the situation given the just stellar example her father’s attitude sets.
And then to forbid her to see you again and make her, a 12-year-old child text you guys an ultimatum she’s in no way on board with? That’s awful. He’s punishing his own daughter for responding with kindness and acceptance just as much as he’s punishing you and Maddy for asking for accommodation and Maddy being apparently ‘weird.’ Ugh.
Based on all this, I bet your brother’s just a peach in a lot of other ways, too.” PinkNGreenFluoride
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Unfortunately, autism is very complex and unfortunately means there is a lot of misconception and every person with autism is vastly different in their symptoms which makes it harder to understand.
Your brother sounds like a jerk. I think you handled the situation with absolute class where you didn’t make Sarah feel bad and she seemed ok and understanding about it all.
Since you are proactive with Maddy working through this in therapy you are doing everything you can.
Maddy will get better with things like this as time goes on.
Sarah sounds more grown up than the father, to be honest.” Typical_Rob
17. AITJ For Kicking My Mother-In-Law Out Of Thanksgiving?
“MIL is kind of the black sheep of the family for a couple of reasons, she wants nothing to do with the religion they were raised in, she’s very difficult, her husband’s obnoxious, and her siblings are tired of getting compared to her (that one is their fault, their dad just wants them to get jobs).
Her siblings are kind of mean to her at times, but I find MIL extremely unlikeable.
MIL got married a couple of years ago. She hired a wedding planner as she is a total workaholic who wanted nothing to do with this wedding. The wedding planner ended up hooking up with MIL’s dad and he left his wife of decades to be with her.
Needless to say, we were all furious. He is now engaged to the wedding planner (who is the same age as MIL, his youngest kid).
Recently we did Thanksgiving at my house. It was my first time ever hosting and I was excited. It came out in conversation that the family just assumed MIL stiffed the woman for the bill.
MIL revealed that she didn’t and she paid her, and the family was furious. His grandma began crying and everyone began berating MIL and her husband.
I tried to change the subject but to no avail. MIL’s sister said MIL needed to leave the table as she isn’t family.
MIL said not paying a bill is tacky and she didn’t want to go to court over something dumb. They pointed out her dad never would have let her get sued. I personally don’t think it is a big deal that she paid the bill, but they were all saying she shouldn’t be at the table.
I asked MIL to leave as the majority of my guests didn’t want her and it was ruining the evening. MIL called me a fake jerk and her husband unloaded. MIL then started fake crying and stormed off. She told her dad who also went off on me and said I’m a coward and a terrible host.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
‘They pointed out her dad never would have let her get sued.’
Like, wow. ‘How DARE you pay somebody for services that you both ordered and received.’
So why are you the jerk?
‘she wants nothing to do with the religion they were raised in, she’s very difficult, her husband’s obnoxious, and her siblings are tired of getting compared to her (that one is their fault, their dad just wants them to get jobs).’
So your mother-in-law made the adult decision, her own reasoned decision, to leave her birth religion, the entire family is angry at her, and it’s her fault, for which you are participating in punishing her. They’re also angry at her for having a job.
And you decided that you were on the side of the jerks, rather than on the side of the person who is just living her life.
And when she cries about being thrown out, you decide it’s fake.
You are the host. You didn’t say ‘This stops now, not under my roof’, you just tried to change the subject. It is your job to keep your guests from ganging up on one guest. And if they do, the person who stays should be the victim of the gang-up, not the bullies.
You are an unworthy host. The majority of your guests are jerks. Please do better.” ThingsWithString
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here – except your MIL. While she might not be a likable person, this situation is not on her. First, not her fault her father had an affair.
A lot of people hire wedding planners, even if they are not workaholics. She hired somebody to do what she had no interest in, nor time for. She hired a professional. If she hired a plumber to put in a new half bath you wouldn’t attack her for it, even if her father had an affair with the plumber.
Second, who would bring that up at Thanksgiving dinner?
Third, of course she paid the bill – the woman provided a service and got paid for it. I would guess her father probably lied to the wedding planner about the state of his marriage.
Fourth, after being mean to her throughout her life, her siblings now blaming her for their parents’ marriage breaking up just sounds like more crap they choose to fling at her.” BrinaGu3
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Maybe, on some tiny level, I can see why some of your family would be annoyed that she paid, but she had every right to choose not to rock the boat. On the other hand, you cannot be a good person if you see one of your guests being harassed by everyone else, a guest that is always being picked on by these same people, and decide to turn on her instead of calling out the toxic behavior from others.
Even if she does somehow deserve this ridicule, you seemed to recognize the toxicity from your family/guests and chose to allow it. I’m sorry, but this is not how a good person handles these situations. This is not how a mature, responsible adult handles these situations.
Search your feelings, highlight what you regret, and apologize for those things to her. Accept that you acted as a poor host, and move forward with grace and healing.
And tell your family to try to learn to love and accept others, even if they are unlikeable or don’t share your beliefs.
There is, absolutely NOTHING good that will come out of having some form of divinity in your life if you treat others poorly because of it. It is a spit in the face of whatever higher power you believe.” Significant-Staff-22
16. AITJ For Bad-Mouthing A Tattoo Artist?
“I have quite a few tattoos, and specifically wanted some tattoos done in a style native to my community and culture.
It’s a style suited to stick and poke and I found an artist who would be well-suited to it. I messaged them and they were interested in tattooing me, and also coincidentally, they saw that I was hosting a concert featuring a musician they were interested in and asked if they could come.
I said sure, they came for the show, and after the show, tagged along with some of my friends to my apartment to hang out with the musician after.
When leaving, the tattoo artist thanked me for my hospitality and the free ticket and said they’d like to tattoo me for free.
That sounded great so I agreed and we set up an appointment. At the appointment, they insisted that I get the tattoo in a different color than what I asked for, and after finishing it, told me it would be $75 and to just e-transfer them.
I reminded them about the free tattoo thing and they said that because they were operating out of a facility it cost a lot and so they couldn’t afford for me not to pay, and because I felt bad and pretty embarrassed at that point, I paid.
Once the tattoo healed I noticed it was already fading, and I messaged them – and they agreed to touch it up, but then kept postponing the appointment. At that point, I messaged them pretty annoyed that they needed to uphold their side of the agreement and I already paid for what was supposed to be a free tattoo.
They got really aggressive and blocked me saying that I was trying to mooch off a person of color (I’m also a person of color).
After this, whenever a friend reaches out about stick and poke tattoos and mentions this person, I warn them to not go there, and it turns out someone told them, and they’re saying that I’m being a jerk and to stop bad-mouthing them.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Definitely NTJ. You gave the tat artist a lovely evening out. They never should have offered to do the tat for free unless they planned on following through on their commitment to you. He/she didn’t stand by their word, talked you into agreeing to do the tat in a different color than you wanted it to be, and it faded almost immediately!
Then, they didn’t back up their word about fixing it. The tattoo artist is the jerk, not you. Big time jerk, in my opinion. Very unethical. That is not how a responsible person does business. You have every right to warn people who reach out to you about your experience with this person.
I’d send a message back through the person who reported what the tattoo artist said about you, that you’re ‘only speaking the truth when asked for a recommendation. If they would prefer that you recommend them and not tell people what occurred, then they should have honored their commitments.'” SquirrellyDog2016
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
The tattoo artist here sounds like a real jerk.
The way I see it, you’re not going around slandering this dude. People talk to you about stick & poke, mention this artist specifically, and then you just tell them about your personal experience as it factually occurred. That’s not badmouthing them, that’s giving someone an honest answer based on facts when asked.
Additionally, he screwed you over twice (the way I see it) and deserves to be publicly shamed anyway. Depending on where you live, you may be entitled to legal damages (speak to a lawyer if you’d like) for breach of contract (verbal agreements could be binding where you live).” Stroopwafeled
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Disregarding that you gave him a free ticket to a show he wanted to see AND got to hang out afterward at your apartment AND he OFFERED to do the tattoo for free in return as an expression of thanks. Let’s take that off the table.
You PAID for a service. One he claimed proficiency at and did not do an acceptable job. You rightly requested he fixes or touches it up. He agreed but then would not give you an appointment to come in and get it done. Then blocked you when you kept trying to get an appointment.
NOT a good businessman. Not someone you want to go to again or have your friends and acquaintances go to if you know it is very possible that they will have a disappointing result.
Those people who asked you about him or mentioned him did so because they KNEW you had a tattoo from him and asked your opinion.
You told them. Your friends would have been mad and you would have been a jerk if you knew he didn’t stand behind his word and didn’t say anything and let them go there and possibly get a sub-par tat that they are stuck with.
Tattoos are serious, it’s not like you can get an eraser and just fix a mistake – it takes time, money, and someone with a lot of skill to hide or change a bad tat. Why go through that if they don’t have to?” 1moreKnife2theheart
15. AITJ For Introducing My Partner's Parents As My Son's "Grandparents"?
“This last Thursday I (29 F) went over to my partner ‘Jay’s’ (25 M) house for thanksgiving and brought my son (4) with me.
I and Jay have been together for a year and a half now, and he is the most amazing man in the world. He’s been amazing with my son (his bio father is not in his life) and I can genuinely see him as ‘the one’.
Jay’s parents came over as well. It’s not that I don’t get along with them, it’s just I have only ever seen them 3 times before this thanksgiving. I have not had any time to really bond with them I guess. They had never met my son in person either, but they both knew about him.
By the time I arrived, Jay’s parents were already there and helping him finish up dinner. We greeted each other and Jay’s dad asked ‘And who’s this little guy.’ I introduced them to my son and then introduced Jay’s parents as ‘Grandma and Grandpa’ to my precious boy.
I didn’t notice at the time, but all three of them became quiet almost immediately. I ended up waiting in the living room alone for almost half an hour before dinner and things just were incredibly awkward for the rest of the night. My son did end up calling his parents ‘grandpa and grandma’ and I quickly noticed both of them would be very disingenuous and awkward about it over dinner but they did not say anything to me about it.
They didn’t stick around for long after either but when they left both were very cold to me.
I asked Jay what was their deal and he lost it at me. He claims I put him in an incredibly awkward position. His parents apparently didn’t think we were ‘That serious’ yet and began to question him if I was only using him as a ‘replacement daddy.’ He said that it was way out of line to introduce them that way without even talking to him beforehand.
I think it’s ridiculous. If one day he’s going to be my son’s stepdad then why go through this formal nonsense? He claimed that’s ‘Not the point’ and we ended up fighting till I stormed out.
We have not talked since and I have simply been waiting for an apology.
I talked with my sister about it last night and she said she was mortified to hear this. Saying she also didn’t get the read that we were all that serious and she never felt like Jay intended to take on a ‘Dad’ role. This has got me questioning if I was wrong.
Edit: I genuinely thought Jay would be ok with this. Jay has always treated my son so well, I guess I misread treating him kindly as being ok with being his father figure. I’m pretty sure I ruined this for myself, but most importantly I hurt my son through all this.
I called Jay and apologized. We’re going to be taking a break. I’m going to look into making sure I didn’t scar my kid with this.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
You basically made the decision that Jay and his family are now your son’s family all on your own, with no discussion beforehand, and THAT is why everyone is upset.
While I’m sure no one is AGAINST the idea outright, the ‘formal nonsense’ is a very necessary step when it comes to merging families. And to be honest, you probably need to have a serious discussion with Jay about where this is heading sooner rather than later if both his parents and your sister did not think you two were that serious.
What if he does not actually see himself as a father to your child, or does not see the relationship that seriously either? THIS is why we need the ‘formal nonsense’ and talking it through with everyone involved.” TheAshenDemon4
Another User Comments:
“Jay is not your husband.
He’s not even your fiancé. He is not your son’s stepfather. He’s merely the partner of fewer than 2 years of your little boy’s mother. A partner you don’t even live with.
Jay’s parents are not your in-laws. They are the parents, who you’ve only met 3 times, of your partner.
Your son, whom they’ve never met, is not their grandson. He’s the child of their son’s SO. Whom they’ve only met 3 times.
Of course they think you’re shopping for a replacement daddy. That’s the impression you gave and now you’re stuck with it.
YTJ.” 5footfilly
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Not only have you not been together that long (sure long enough to get engaged, but not long enough that his family should know for sure that you are in it for the long haul) but you have only met his parents 3 times and your kid never has.
That’s enough information to know that you should not be introducing them as grandparents… to a child they have never met and is not related to them.
Your reality is skewed. He isn’t your son’s stepdad yet, not formally and not informally since he clearly doesn’t see it that way.
You don’t get to decide that his parents are grandparents without talking to him and THEM. I would feel so incredibly awkward if that ever happened to me, and it demonstrates that you lack a basic understanding of the work it takes to blend families, respect the basic boundaries of others, and you aren’t on the same page in your relationship.” mfruitfly
You've been with this guy over a year. If he doesn't want to be a step-dad at this point he should have flown the coop long ago. You don't stay with a single mother and let her child get attached, and then act like an immature play boy and throw a fit when the idea of permanence and responsibility comes up. Either he doubted the relationship already, or was naive enough to believe that he could keep up the status quo indefinitely, without repercussions. He's the jerk
And his parents? Even bigger jerks for perceiving you as some manipulative gold digging woman seeking to trap their precious baby boy. They might not have been comfortable being grandparents, especially since this was their first meeting with your son, but they could have had a little tact and waited till your son wasn't around so they could have a conversation with you, rather than making the child feel like he was doing something wrong for simply using the names he had been told to call them! And they obviously manipulated their son to question the entire relationship. Their grown son. Like, mind your own *ucking business. There's nothing worse than a mama's boy. Truthfully , you dodged a bullet.
14. WIBTJ If I Don't Want To Spend Christmas At My Brother's House?
“My brother (M36) moved away about an hour’s drive, he lives there with his wife and kids (3,1).
His entire family works from home. I (F32) work in healthcare and have to commute 15+ hours a week. My husband has also been having health issues over the past 18 months which have been very difficult, physically and emotionally for us to deal with.
We’ve been having arguments about family visits – my brother would like me to go over every week or every other week which is difficult for us to do regularly.
I’ve asked if we could have it so that we drive over once a month and they drive down once a month but my brother says it’s too difficult with the kids to be in the car.
He has said some mean things to me when I’ve been unable to go for several weeks in the past (we had a 6-week streak of being sick and other issues getting in the way) and he basically stated he was telling his kids they don’t have an aunt because I don’t care to see them.
For months we had agreed I was hosting Christmas this year. In my culture, we celebrate on Christmas Eve. He asked that we have Christmas at his house because of the drive. I’ve taken time off work before the 24th to be able to prep the turkey and get things ready, I’ve decorated quite a bit because last Christmas was awful with what my husband was going through, so I was pumped to have a great time this year.
I should also mention that I have space for them to sleep over if they prefer. He said that when I have kids, we’ll spend Christmas at my house and that since his kids would be older they’ll visit more frequently. But I know that my brother can be lazy and will come up with something then (as teens, he would make me go buy him McDonald’s in winter while he stayed in the house for example).
So WIBTJ if I tell my brother off and insist we have Christmas at my house? I don’t have kids atm, so I’m sure I don’t grasp how difficult the drive can be.”
Another User Comments:
“You don’t need to tell him off but sounds like you do need to put your foot down.
You spend 15 hours per week commuting and he guilts you into driving 2 hours every week on your day off?
You say you’ve ‘ASKED if you could do it less often.’ OP you don’t need his permission. It’s time to look out for your health and the health of your husband.
TELL him you can do it once a month and that you’d love to see them more so they are welcome to come to you.
He is a jerk for using emotional manipulation around his kids to get you to do what he wants.
I’d let him know that you planned on hosting Christmas for months and that it’s too late to change now but maybe they can host next year.
Be prepared for him to tell you they won’t be coming though and make a plan for how you’ll deal with that.
Sounds like this is his strategy for getting you to do what he wants.
There appears to be a long history of you catering to him and it’s going to be a process to change that.
Also, as a parent, I’m not going to claim that a 1 hour each way car ride with kids is a barrel of laughs but lots of people do it all the time— especially for things that are important to them (like seeing family).
Due to the global crisis, I’m going to guess that it feels even bigger to your brother because they’ve never done it much. Doesn’t mean that you always give in to him though. Relationships are about meeting each other halfway.
NTJ, good luck.” SaraG1973
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You can choose where you want to spend your Christmas. Honey, you do not need to justify yourself to other people. You do not need to say I don’t want to travel or I don’t feel well or a thousand and one other reasons.
It can just be because you just simply want to stay home for Christmas. You need to set boundaries with your brother. You are married to your husband. He gets to boss his wife around but not you. You do not need a second husband.
Tell him to stop manipulating you with the aunt thing. There is no rule book for aunts and he is being controlling.” Which_Pudding_4332
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but honestly it just sounds like you need to look at your brother’s behavior and decide to have a separate Christmas.
The fact that he’s been verbally abusive with you says that he should not be welcome in your house. I don’t get why you’re allowing yourself to be his punching bag when you’re already saying you recognize he’s been mistreating you for years and that is your dynamic.
If you don’t want to be mistreated anymore, you need to push back.” JCBashBash
13. AITJ For Not Letting My Stepfather Be The Father Of The Bride?
“I am my dad’s only child and we are close. He and my mom divorced when I was 4 and when I was 6 she married Adam. My parents had equal custody of me.
So I spent a week with my mom and then another week with my dad. My mom and Adam have my five half-siblings together (3 sisters and 2 brothers). Adam was never dad in my eyes but when I was little we had a goodish relationship. Until I was 11.
My dad was in an accident and for three years he was unable to take care of me. He was months in the hospital, months longer in rehab, and had a setback that put him back in the hospital and he needed to rehab all over again.
Adam stepped up a lot during those three years but those three years also showed a resentment he had that I didn’t treat him the same as my mom and dad. He was never the person I wanted at a Father’s Day event or the man I would make a card for.
That bothered him more than ever when I spent the three years where he was the only father figure longing for my dad. He’s been very, very short with my dad since and downright rude at times. Even after he just got home.
My siblings and mom also took issue with it.
Mom at the time. My siblings some years later. It led to some trouble because I never chose to spend Father’s Day with them celebrating Adam and even checked out that day when my dad was sick (I saw him at the rehab place but not the year he was in the hospital).
Now I’m getting married and I just want my dad to be the Father of the Bride, but that is controversial because my stepfather wanted to be it too. He told me as much when I told him and my mom that I was just having my dad.
He told me he deserved it because he was just as much my dad. I told him I only wanted my dad and I never considered him my dad. He and mom were mad. They told my siblings and then they were mad. They all say I should at least have both but given those three years, he would even be deserving of him being the only father of the bride.
Adam said I was an ingrate and he deserved better.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s your wedding; you invite who you want to attend, in whatever role you prefer. Your father is still alive, you’re on good terms with him, & although there was a period of time he wasn’t much in your life, it wasn’t a deliberate choice on his part – no one wants to go through an accident that requires 3 years of hospitalization & therapy!
And while it’s certainly nice that your stepfather has done a fair job at the role he signed up for when he married your divorced mother, making some effort to take care of a child who isn’t biologically his & already has a dad &, etc, you aren’t biologically his & already have a dad &, etc.
The fact that he’s been openly resentful of your relationship with your father since you were 11 flipping years old is just disgusting, frankly, especially since – again! – no one wants to go through an accident that requires 3 years of hospitalization & therapy. Your stepfather also has 5 kids of his own & 3 opportunities to be the father of the bride for brides he has actually exclusively fathered. He should get his sense of self-importance under control, & your mom & various siblings should stop encouraging him.” Far_Anteater_256
Another User Comments:
“Definitely NTJ. They are trying to force a better relationship with your stepdad than you want to have and that’s wrong. Your mom and he are also prioritizing his feelings over yours. Adam sounds jealous of your father and very entitled. Your mom should be stepping in and validating your feelings with her husband but instead, she is trying to manipulate and guilt you into what they want by telling your siblings and everyone ganging up on you.
All of this is so wrong!
You do what YOU want for your wedding! And as time goes on, if this type of behavior increases or continues you may have to consider going very low contact or no contact with them for your own mental and emotional health!
Sorry OP for the situation they put you in and congratulations on your engagement!” jacksonlove3
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your stepdad has 3 bio daughters he can be the father of the bride to. You have a father it’s weird that he thinks because he behaved like a decent man towards you that you should be grateful and treat him like he’s your dad.
It’s ridiculous that your mother doesn’t understand how absurd they are acting. Bottom line it’s your wedding they can huff and puff all they want. If they decide not to go because of your decision that’s completely on them.” Silent_Syd241
12. WIBTJ If I Don't Attend My Sister's Wedding?
“Im a 27-year-old male and my 29-year-old sister is getting married. We’ve never been close and barely know each other. I would say our relationship has basically been one big drama, but I didn’t realize it until I was at least 25.
As children, she would get a kick out of embarrassing me.
When I was growing up I found out about adult films as a teen and she would write letters telling my uncle that I was searching adult websites on the internet. She also told her friend and made me feel super embarrassed. One time when we were teens and were going to Sunday school, I sat with the kids her age, and she told the whole group, ‘he hasn’t showered for a week’, and they all laughed and I felt terrible about myself.
When I was 19 she took boiled eggs that I made and got into a fight with me, saying they were hers because I took uncooked tofu in the fridge that happened to be hers – I didn’t know – that had been sitting in the refrigerator for weeks.
She then took the eggs and covered my clothes in them.
After she called me an idiot at a Starbucks I really stopped trying to answer her messages, and then she texted me a few months later saying how it hurt that I was MIA.
This annoyed me because she wasn’t acknowledging that, and I reminded her about the Starbucks thing. She said ‘I wish you told me about this before’ ‘I care about you.’ I then continued to meet her over the next couple of years but really infrequently.
I don’t talk to her anymore but she will still text me from time to time.
She’s livid that I might not come to her wedding. I told her I think that we’re not close and that all of these times when she seriously offended me shows that she doesn’t know what I’m uncomfortable with and that it was not okay.
I told her that I think she only cares because it would look bad on her if I didn’t come.
She texted back saying:
‘If you didn’t want to hang out with me then, you didn’t need to. You also had many opportunities to tell me about what was bothering you about me.
It’s fine that you didn’t tell me then, but I’m just saying that you could have said something. Also, please don’t try to tell me what is and what is not making me upset. That’s not for you to determine.
I have given quite a bit of space over the past few days to tell me what’s been bothering you about me, and I’ve listened. I have also apologized, which is something that is hard for me. But your response to that is, in effect, that you don’t care.
If you feel like we’re just not that close and we have never been that close, that’s for you to say. I don’t think that’s true. But I really don’t think my saying that I want you to come to my wedding is about what other people think.
You not coming to my wedding will be seriously damaging to improving our relationship in the future. I am more than happy to keep talking about our relationship, and things that I’ve done in the past that have hurt you. We have the rest of our lives to sort through those issues.
I’m not expecting you to ‘get over it’. Things take time. But as long as I am also mama’s daughter, and as long as we are still family, we need to have a way to live and communicate together, even when we are still working through things that happened in the past.’
AITJ for telling her she’s only interested in me coming because it would be a bad look on her if I didn’t go. Is it fair to her that I don’t want to go because of things that just can’t change in her and are rooted in her personality, which isn’t something that changes easily?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ ~ take a step back and think about how she’s continuing to manipulate your emotional responses to her ‘apology’.
The best way to gauge her emotional integrity is to tell her you wish her all the best in this endeavor (send a gift), and you look forward to having her attend a therapy session after all the hubbub of the wedding, honeymoon, etc settles down.
Even if you do not have a current therapist, the idea that an experienced professional has validated your experiences will either shock her into actually being sorry or push her to accept that she is the reason you’ve gone no contact/low contact. In either case, you are relieving yourself of the burden.” Important_Chef_4717
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
How much time do you have before the wedding?
If your sister was really surprised by your recollections of the past and wanted you at her wedding out of brotherly love, she would have said as much, apologized for her past behaviors, and tried to meet with you to work this out.
She doesn’t get a pass because apologies are hard for her. She says you have your whole life to work things out, but since she’s not ready to do that before the wedding, maybe you can start after she’s married as well.
If she was sincere about working things out and wanting you at the wedding, her text would have looked differently. After the last exchange, it may be difficult for you to enjoy yourself at the celebration of her marriage. Are there other people attending with which you will feel comfortable?
She is able to use you as an excuse for why her day wasn’t perfect whether you are present or not. If she spends her wedding day complaining about your absence, that’s on her. If you show up, you will have to bear witness to her behavior as well as the judgment of the others with whom she has surely confided.
You don’t have to endure an uncomfortable day for someone who has not invested any time in healing a bad relationship, even if it’s your sister.” GladysKravitz21
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Who cares that she apologized and that it’s hard for her? Forgiveness is earned and not demanded because she wants to feel better.
You’re right to be suspicious of her because she’s had decades to make amends and hasn’t. There’s something in it for her.
That text was dripping in manipulation, victim blaming, and a ton of crap.
It’s cute how she tries to flip the script in the whole ‘don’t try to tell me what’s making me upset’ and how YOU needed to tell her what was hurting you.
Is she so devoid of empathy that she can’t tell? She’s blaming you for not telling her that you hurt her. I’m pretty sure you have. If not, the tears would have.
Is your mom an enabler? I only ask because she brings her up to further guilt trip you.
Don’t go to her wedding. There’s a line people like using here that it’s an invitation and not a summons.” Fire_or_water_kai
11. AITJ For Refusing To Tutor My Neighbor's Daughter?
“I (26F) live next to a family with 2 kids (13F and 13M), Kinsleigh and Maxton.
I teach history at the middle school they go to, although I have never had them. While I have never had them in the classroom, everything I’ve heard from my co-workers checks out with what I know about them as neighbors.
Maxton is a good kid, he plays 4 sports, has great grades, and he and his friends (I have had some of his friends) are sweet boys.
The biggest complaint I’ve heard about him is he thinks Axe body spray is an appropriate replacement for deodorant. Kinsleigh is the complete opposite of her brother, I’ve had multiple complaints about her from other students, has mediocre grades, and is far from an athlete (she is very good at her own things though, like drawing and making TikToks).
Their parents are pretty entitled at times and spoil their kids, this isn’t an issue for me unless the kids are mean. Maxton has many thousands and thousands of dollars in sports stuff, but he never shows it off to brag, but because he loves sports so much.
Kinsleigh likes to showcase her family’s wealth. Most families in the area are incredibly wealthy, including their family. I can only afford to live here because my also incredibly wealthy parents help cover most of my bills.
The public schools in this area are good, but the private schools are even better.
A lot of parents here send their kids to Catholic or private schools once they hit high school. My neighbors wanted to send their kids to one of the best schools in the area, and there is an admissions test that is taken before they can be approved, and a kid needs to reach a certain score on it.
The school has a wide variety of classes on sports like sports history and sports broadcasting, so Maxton really wanted to get in because he wants a career in sports.
A few months ago, the parents of the kids asked me to tutor them, and at first, I agreed to tutor both.
A few weeks into the school year, Kinsleigh got herself in pretty severe trouble after she and her friends got caught sending homophobic DMs to other students. Maxton was one of the boys who exposed the girls for doing this.
After this incident, she wouldn’t apologize and was being rude to me and others, so I told her parents that I would not be tutoring her anymore, there was some pushback from them but nothing too much.
A few days ago, right before Thanksgiving, the kids took the test. Maxton’s score was high enough to get into the school, but Kinsleigh did not.
I got a text from the mother after the results came back, she told me what happened and said she wanted to speak with me when they got home.
I talked to them and she accused me of trying to ‘tear the kids’ relationship apart’ and said I was encouraging Maxton to ‘be a snitch’ by ‘rewarding him for tattling’, Maxton will still be going to the school next year and is very excited. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – what a mess.
They’re not parenting their kids, and that’s the problem here. You work hard with all types of students and engage with all types of behaviors all day at your job.
You don’t need to put yourself through that in your free time as well.
Cut these people off. Tell them that the parents’ unprofessional behavior and willingness to overlook terrible behavior in their child means you will no longer be working with them.
Edit: by the way, while K deserves repercussions for her actions, the biggest issue here is that the parents are refusing to parent.
There’s a part of me that feels bad for her.” Immediate_Refuse_918
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, some people cannot be fixed and you as a tutor have all the rights to tutor who you want to. If someone is of bad character, it’s better to avoid spending any time with them or even helping them unless they clear up their act.
The parents can accuse whatever they want to but you could potentially say that you have standards and those failing to meet the basic human decency levels shall not be tutored by you.” SPolowiski
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, the daughter learned a very important life lesson about actions and consequences, and it sounds like the son has a very good aligned moral compass.
He’s doing the human race proud. Honestly, the daughter should be expelled, at that age hurtful things like what she did can really harm the social and emotional development of her targets.” zdstormwolf
10. AITJ For Not Forgiving My Mom?
“I (22f) am my mom’s (40f) oldest child. She has another daughter named Andy (4f) whom she and her wife Ella (38f) had together shortly after they got married.
I’m not very close with my mom. My bio dad wasn’t the best person, and I know that in her eyes, I was just a reminder of him.
When I was 8, she sent me off to live with my grandmother, and really the only time I ever heard from her was when she’d send money for me every few months.
I spent a very large portion of my childhood wondering why she didn’t want me, or why she never seemed to even like me.
I would always create reasons as to why convincing myself that I must have done something wrong. Before Andy was born, and my mother and I had sort of started to speak more than we had previously, my therapist suggested that I just sit my mom down and talk to her directly.
Instead of wondering what the answers were, I could just hear them from the source.
My mom told me that she sent me to live with my grandmother because she couldn’t stand being near me. My being out of her sight made it easier for her to pretend I didn’t exist, which then made it easier for her to go on with her life and heal. I don’t blame her for feeling that way, like I said my bio dad isn’t a good person, and I get why she couldn’t handle being my mom.
I don’t necessarily forgive her because I was a kid and I deserved better but I also don’t hold her totally responsible because I know she was going through a lot.
I’m not sure how much her wife Ella knows about our history, but she has been very clearly trying to get my mom and me to reconnect.
I guess she wants me to know Andy. Maybe they both do, but I’m not sure.
My mom asked me to meet her for coffee to talk. While we were at the coffee place, she told me that she was sorry about how things played out between us and that she hoped her apology was enough for me to forgive her.
I said that it meant a lot to hear her say sorry, but that her saying it wasn’t enough for me to just forgive and forget it all. I understand her and I empathize with her, but I can’t forgive her.
After I left, she ended up texting me and telling me how unfair I was being to tell her that her ‘sorry’ wasn’t enough.
She said it took a lot for her to get to the point where she could own up to this, and me just saying it essentially meant nothing, really hurt her feelings. In her last text she said that I didn’t have to outright say I can’t forgive her, especially since I do seem to want to have some sort of relationship with her, I could have just kept that info to myself.
I guess she’s right. I definitely didn’t have to say it, but I did.
Edit: My mother isn’t a narcissist and I don’t think she’s a bad person. I think we’re both unfortunately products of our situations and I’m not mad at her.
Not really. I don’t like that it happened, and I wish that I could change it, but I obviously can’t. I recognize that she was hurt but I also recognize that I was a child, and while her hurt explains why my childhood was the way it was, I know it doesn’t entirely excuse it.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mom should understand this. Since it was so difficult for her to be even around you after this trauma and it took her this much time and effort to even be a little close to you, she should understand that this is also hard on you.
And especially because you didn’t know why for such a long time.
Her being ready to say she is sorry does not mean you have to instantly forgive her and forget all of your trauma.
You are worried now you screwed it up, but you did nothing wrong.
If your mom can’t understand this, then I don’t think she is really sorry. Your not forgiving her after she said sorry hurt her feelings. But what about your feelings? She had to go through hard stuff, that’s true. But so did you, and you were a child.
Even if she wouldn’t have been able to handle the situation any other way at that time, she still should accept the consequences. I think you are much more understanding towards your mother than most people would be. And as the parent (who acknowledged that she neglected you) she should know better!
She should be grateful for the relationship you are willing to have with her at this moment.” Suspicious_Thanks_89
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here
I’m guessing from the way you’ve spoken about your parents’ relationship that your mom may have had to deal with some non-consensual stuff.
In that case, I can totally see her reasons for acting as she did in the past and can see how much she would have to have worked to get to a point where she could try and mend the relationship. I can also see why, having been through all of that, she might feel like she’s ‘owed’ some forgiveness or – at least – leeway.
However, you are allowed to feel upset, abandoned, angry, and whatever else about your past. Kids need to feel loved and it’s heartbreaking you didn’t feel that from your mom. Additionally, forgiveness isn’t something you can just switch on and call it a day. It takes a lot to forgive someone and sometimes it’s not possible to forgive.
So no jerks here. You don’t have to forgive your mom – just focus on feeling your feelings about it all. But equally, she’s been hurt and has her feelings about it all. I’m just really sorry for all of you, as it seems like a truly awful situation to be in.
I hope you could maybe start anew with her one day. Just because you can’t forgive her doesn’t automatically mean you can’t turn a new page and have a relationship with her or with your sister and step-mom.” compromisedfishstix
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your feelings are valid.
Your mother abandoned you as a child. You felt it. It profoundly hurt you. It shook you to your core. It has, and it will affect you for life.
I would say that your mom wasn’t the jerk when she sent you to live with your grandparents.
Obviously, she was unable to care for you. While I could judge her for that, it isn’t my place. It’s absolutely okay for you to judge her through.
It is possible that she thought that your grandparents could provide you with the love and care that she was unable to give you.
That is something that I don’t know.
That was what I was leaning toward until you shared her text messages.
As I said, your feelings are legitimate. Your feelings are valid. Your mother can offer an apology. You don’t have to accept it. You aren’t obligated to accept it.
Your mother’s texts were insensitive. They were selfish. They didn’t acknowledge your pain. They didn’t acknowledge your experience. They didn’t acknowledge that you feel rejected by her, and neither did her ‘apology’. Again, your mother invalidated and dismissed you. She dismissed your experience, she dismissed your pain, she dismissed abandoning you.
Her apology wasn’t enough.” mrslII
9. AITJ For Kicking Out My Best Friend?
“My best friend (Faith) and I have been friends since middle school. She has always been outgoing and I’ve been in her shadow. We joke about how opposite we are.
Recently, she called me saying she got into an argument with her parents and needed a place to stay.
I told her it was fine if she stayed with me. Faith has never moved out of her parents’ house and has a rocky relationship with them. She ‘moved’ in a few hours later and everything was ok.
Until that night. I was woken up by a loud sound coming from my guest room.
I heard music and laughter, so I opened the door and there was Faith and some random guy hooking up. I told him he needed to leave. She started to yell that I embarrassed her and how rude I was. I told her that was unfair to say and left it at that.
The next day, my pantry was completely ransacked and there was trash everywhere. Me being a clean freak, I lost it. Faith told me she was sorry and that she needed to film a few videos and she’ll clean it up. Faith is gorgeous and has a love for fashion, so she has gained a following on youtube (around 80k).
She films these fashion videos, I don’t know the details, but it makes her some income.
I let it slide for a few more days. It became normal for random guys to show up at my house or to hear her loud voice filming videos.
When it had been a week, I told her she needed to leave. She started to cry telling me that she had never really gotten into a fight but really got kicked out, but she said she found a place and just needed to gather her stuff.
I told her fine and let it slide once again.
When she still hadn’t moved out, I finally told her she needed to leave. The trash and disrespect had become unbearable. She said she never found a place and to just let her stay. When I said no, she started to cry calling me a jerk and how she would complain to her ‘fans’ about me and get me hated on.
I genuinely laughed. She refused to leave and I threatened to call the cops. She finally left and I did start to cry. I had lost my best friend.
Faith had blocked me on everything so I don’t know where she is at so I am worried but I feel like this is my fault.
I told my sister everything and she called me a jerk and said I should’ve let her stay for a little.
Now I really feel like a jerk, so AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
The fact that she lied about why she left home should’ve been the first red flag, but that’s something not everyone can look for.
Second, you handled her and random men hooking up for a week, meaning they were hooking up in your house. Disgusting!
Third, your pantry was raided and trashed, because she wanted to film videos. What?!
I’m sorry but the more I read about her, the more I’m annoyed at you for letting it slide for so long.
It’s clear why she got kicked out of her house.
If she’s complaining to her fans and doxes you online, sue her for defamation. Friend or no friend, nobody does that and gets away with it.” Reddit User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Faith isn’t your friend, as others said she used you.
And unless you cut her out of your life permanently, she’d try to do it again too I reckon.
You opened your home to her, and she disrespected it and treated you horribly.
Do yourself a favor and block her as well and surround yourself with better friends who actually care about you.
Sorry you had to experience this.” Toxicity_Seta
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. One guess why her parents kicked her out.
She’s acting ungrateful, manipulative,, and like a user. She’s not acting like a friend, she’s acting like a parasite. You should not have let her stay beyond the trashing of your pantry.
And like a true parasite, once the benefit to her is finished she moves on and refuses to acknowledge you. If you show even a hint of remorse to her and an inkling that she might be allowed back I bet she unblocks you straight away.
Hold strong and know that you are doing the right thing for yourself.” Natural_Garbage7674
8. AITJ For Making My Brother Sit At The Kids' Table With His Son?
“Every year, my wife and I (40s M) host Thanksgiving dinner. This year, 13 people total came (9 adults, two school-aged children, a toddler & an infant).
The guests included my brother (50s M) from out of town and his 3 children (two in their 20s and a toddler, 3 years old).
I have a dining room table with 8 seats, and a breakfast room with 2 tables (1 table is adult size with 4 seats and 1 table is a toddler table with 4 chairs).
Finally, there is a couch in the den with a big screen TV with a coffee table where 2-3 people could sit. The regulars know that it is a free for all and they can sit wherever they want. Usually about half or so sit in the breakfast room and half or so sit in the dining room.
This is my brother’s first time here for Thanksgiving that I can recall in at least 5 years.
After saying grace, I told everyone about the seating in the dining room, breakfast table area, and den. I then directed my two school-age children to the toddler table and made a seat for my brother and his 3 yo son also.
So there were 3 kids and my brother at this table. I commented to my brother ‘you can sit next to your son so you can help him with his meal.’ I brought my brother his cocktail which was in the kitchen and he was helping his son eat.
After everyone else got food, I made another batch of cocktails for everyone and finished heating a final item in the oven. So about 30 minutes later after everyone else had started eating, I finally fixed myself a plate and looked for a seat. I headed to the breakfast room and no one was there.
My brother and his sons were done eating and were in the den on the couch watching football, so I went to the dining room where 5 people including my wife were sitting. They were all done eating, but they were socializing, so I sat there and ate my meal. After eating, I hung out in the den with my brother and nephews.
As far as I knew at the time, everyone had a great time and at the end of the night, I walked my brother to his vehicle, gave him and my nephews hugs, and wished them a safe trip home.
Well, Saturday I got a confrontational call from my mother saying that my brother told her that I made him sit at the kids’ table and ‘why did you do that?’ She stated that my brother was obviously bothered by this, but he didn’t say anything to me about it.
I might be the jerk because I may have made my brother feel like he was not welcome to sit wherever he wanted. I was just trying to facilitate his 3-year-old getting help eating. So, AITJ for seating my brother at the kids’ table?
UPDATE: Even though in my mind, I was guiding him to the small table to sit there where I thought his son would be most comfortable, as the host/homeowner, this clearly came across as an instruction/command, not a soft suggestion.
I genuinely would have been happy for my brother and his son to sit anywhere in the house. Though I had no bad intentions, this seemed exclusionary to my brother.
I called my brother and made an unqualified apology that went like this:
‘Hey man, I just wanted to call to apologize for the way I handled something during your visit.
For Thanksgiving, everyone can really sit wherever they want. That includes you and your son. But it looks like since it is my house and I took you and your son to the small table and said sit here, it was like an instruction/command, but I promise I didn’t mean it that way, it was just a suggestion trying to be a good host to your son.
You and your son could have sat anywhere you wanted, but as I reflect on it, I can definitely see how it did not come across that way. Once again I apologize. If I could go back in time which I can’t, I would handle it totally differently and just say ‘where would you and your son like to sit?”
He was very gracious in accepting my apology and I must say that in life, some of the kindest things that anyone has ever done to me was to grant me forgiveness when I was in the wrong.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, I can understand why your brother might be upset, but I feel like it’s common knowledge to be with your toddler to help them eat, especially in someone else’s home (unless someone else volunteers to take over feeding supervision).
I would ask your brother if he’s really upset about it and if so apologize, saying you didn’t realize. I feel like your mom is trying to make drama where there’s no drama to be had.” wonder-Be
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
You were assuming he had a need you were solving when it sounds like you don’t have kids from your description, but a 3rd party really didn’t need to be involved to communicate it two days later when you can’t do anything about it. It’s now extra awkward and confrontational when it didn’t have to be.” SingleSeaCaptain
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
I can see why your brother doesn’t come over more often. Everyone else sat where they wanted while you made him watch your kids. That must have been an exciting dinner conversation for him. Plus you assumed he wouldn’t be able to set him and his child without your help, which is pretty insulting.
You didn’t just make him feel not welcome to sit where he wanted. You made him feel not welcome, period.” Legitimate-Tower-523
Another User Comments:
“His first time home in 5 years and you make him sit at the toddler table? I don’t know if any of you have feelings about him having another child so much later on (was it with the same partner?) but either way, at the end of the day he was a guest, one you were supposedly happy to have there, but that’s not the impression he’ll have had.
He shouldn’t exactly have brought a 3-year-old and expected anyone else to help them eat, but there’s no indication he expected it, and I wouldn’t let a 3-year-old eat alone at my place without asking, but it doesn’t sound like you asked how to play it.
It sounds like you do love your brother, so I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt and say this was just blockheaded of you. There are entitled guests and there are bad hosts and a whole spectrum in between; this is way closer to bad hosting.
Personally, if my brother was coming for the first time in 5 years I’d have ensured he wasn’t spending the whole time minding his 3-year-old. Or I’d have had a system where the 3-year-old who needed help could be in a high chair at the adult table – it doesn’t need to be the adult sitting at the baby table or the baby gets no food.
But you don’t shoulder 100% of the blame for this — your whole family dropped the ball. They all ate without you as well. Where was your wife? She was supposed to be a co-host and she got all the kudos for none of the effort.
It sounds like you did all the work, and nobody noticed or cared that either you or your brother weren’t there. You were the only one who went in search of your brother when you’d finished your food. After any one of them was done, they could have gone to help him out — in my family we do help beloved relatives with their toddlers so they can have a turn interacting with the adults, but okay, if your family doesn’t do that, someone — like your wife, supposed co-host — could at least have kept him company until your little nephew was finished. Anything else is plain rude.
Ignore your mother’s call and reach out to your brother, because this is not about how you sat him with his toddler who needed help to eat. It’s about how, after 5 years, not one of his relatives cared about catching up with him.
It’s about how it was his son’s first Thanksgiving with the family and no one spent any time with him.
I’d wager that’s what he expressed to your mother, and she feels ashamed but doesn’t want to take responsibility, so she’s put the blame on you for the milder faux pas of sticking him at the kids’ table without asking.
That was daft, but the dinner wasn’t the whole night.
I’m going to say everyone sucks here — except for your brother, who just did as he was told without complaint, but I can’t go YTJ because it’s definitely not just all on you.
Your family sounds really rude and your brother is the one you should make some effort with.” HiddenDestiny251
7. AITJ For Turning The Washing Machine On Before Leaving For Work?
“My partner and I moved in together a few months ago. Everything is going well, but we seem to be hitting a wall when it comes to the division of housework.
She has some weekdays off due to her shift work, and I work 9-5.
Before I go to work, I load the washing machine before I leave, and as she’s home during the day she hangs out the washing.
The other day she confronted me abruptly when I was about to load the washer with our clothes and leave for work, and told me that I should wait until we are both home before turning it on, rather than putting it in and leaving it all for her to hang out.
We argued over this – if I’m putting it in, it doesn’t take much to hang it out on her day off when she’s home. She stopped me from putting on the load and has been angry with me since. I just cannot understand why we must wait for us both to have a day off for a washing load to be done when the washing basket is clearly full.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
What stuck out to me was how you framed the schedules as being relevant. Just because her shiftwork results on weekdays off does not mean she should be doing more housework than you, gosh, my dude. Acting like having a 9-5 vs shiftwork somehow makes it valid for you to leave this chore to her is PEAK male entitlement energy.
A woman existing in the home when you are at work DOES NOT MEAN SHE SHOULD BE DOING YOUR CHORES. If she works just as many hours as you do, it doesn’t matter if she’s home on a day you’re working, that’s her time off and she deserves to not be saddled with housework you think she should do because you happen to be working when she isn’t.
Are there times she’s working her shifts when you are at home? Because imagine if she pulled this on you. You’d be annoyed, right? You work full time, why should she get to dictate you do the laundry on your off time? You live together and are in a relationship, have an adult discussion about equitable division of the chores.
Based on everything we know about modern homes where both partners work, women are often doing the lion’s share of the housework as well.” anniewrites1234
Another User Comments:
“YTJ because you expect your partner to dry the laundry on their schedule without actually discussing it with them.
If you were just tossing the clothes in the dryer, starting the washer and then letting them sit until you came home from work would be an option. But when you are hanging clothes, it’s more important to get to them shortly after the washer finishes the cycle.
So you two need to figure out a schedule that works for both of you. It could be you loading it and them hitting start when they want. It could be the clothes being washed when everyone is home. But you are expecting them to hang the clothes by themselves and it doesn’t sound like chore sharing was ever planned out and it needs to be.” 123456478965413846
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, that’s your laundry, not your partner’s, so it’s your responsibility, not hers. It would be different if you asked her if she would be ok with that arrangement but instead, you just decided it wouldn’t be too much work for her.
Personally, if I were her I would just leave it in the washer and not even acknowledge it. If you really care about your partner and want this relationship to work you need to start treating her like an equal, not a subordinate.” Sea-Ad3724
6. AITJ For Telling My Mom To Move Out?
“My mum (57F) told my partner (39M) and me (29M) that she was on the verge of being homeless because, after her divorce from my dad, she doesn’t have much money left. She asked us if she could live with us because she would rather live with family than strangers, which is fine.
Before we moved her in we set ground rules. Don’t be disruptive after 9:30 pm because we both wake up early for work was the main one. Now for context, Mum has been a stay-at-home wife/mother her entire adult life, she went from her parents to my Dad, a very traditional European family background.
Dad provided everything for all of us so we never wanted for anything and Mum didn’t have to work. Because of this Mum became nocturnal.
Back to the problem at hand. From the moment she moved in, she has made no effort to be quieter at night, she doesn’t pitch in with the cleaning, not even simple menial things like emptying the inside bin to the rubbish bins outside.
For example, one night I went through the paper in the inside bin and the whole bag was sunk into the bin with a boxed dinner box squashed on top. I went upstairs and asked if I could talk to her. All I asked is that the next time she sees the bin full could she tie up the bag and take it out instead of crushing more rubbish on top because it’s messy and hard to pull the bag back up and out.
She came downstairs huffing and puffing in frustration, threw things around, and opened and closed doors aggressively and loudly. I’ve repeatedly asked her not to be noisy at night, so what does she do? She decides to move furniture between rooms by herself at 10 pm.
I’ve now asked many times for her to please change her behavior because we’re not sleeping the whole night through.
My partner is now understandably cranky and tired all the time. She’s been living with us since July. About a month ago we asked her to please find somewhere else to live because she isn’t integrating, she’s only imposing her way of life on us with no consideration for us.
Today I had a very serious conversation with her about it basically saying she needs to take me seriously when I tell her these things because I’m not just saying them to make her life harder, I just want peace and harmony. She only responded with ‘okay, thank you (insert my partner’s name.)’ As if to say I can’t think for myself and that my partner sent me.
After an hour of thinking about how that went, I sent her two links to potential share houses. One place she’d love is the ground floor of a two-story house with no shared spaces and the other has shared spaces but only women of her age either widowed or divorced live there, so it would be easier for her to live with strangers as she’s never had to before.
AITJ?
Update: Mum is moving out on the 12th of December.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You gave your mom a lifeline in a time of crisis, and she took advantage of your generosity and hospitality. In terms of chores, you should have negotiated a share of labor at move-in time and so I can’t hate on her too much for not helping much when there was no agreement ahead of time that she would do so beforehand.
But she did agree to respect quiet hours, and honestly, you should have thrown her out on the first violation. It’s hard for her since she’s never supported herself or lived away from family, but if that is such a problem for her, she should have not taken advantage of your hospitality.” ghosts-on-the-ohio
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for telling her to move out, but you were absolutely a jerk to your partner for even moving her in after she straight up told you that the only reason she wanted to live with you is that it was her personal preference.
So now it’s your time to make things right, you need to stop being kind to your mother. Your mother has already shown you she is hostile and disrespectful of your partner, you need to take the entire lead on this and stop being cushioned. Give her a move-out date and tell her to make a pick or she’s on the streets” JCBashBash
5. AITJ For Asking My Partner To Make Me Breakfast Every Morning?
“I (27m) have been living with my partner (29f) for several months now. For the most part, things are really good and I plan to propose soon and hopefully have at least a couple of kids with her.
However, we’ve run up against a conflict.
She’s an absolute morning person. I hate mornings. By the time I force myself out of bed in the morning and into the shower she’s already been up for at least 30 minutes – even though she has to be at work later than I do – and is at the stove making breakfast. She likes a huge breakfast in the morning.
She usually has eggs, either French toast or pancakes, hashbrowns or breakfast potatoes, and sausage or bacon. Sometimes on weekends, it’s ham or steak. She eats almost nothing for lunch and usually has a smallish dinner but she loves a huge breakfast.
Meanwhile, I only ever have cold cereal for breakfast, or MAYBE if I’m feeling really ambitious some instant oatmeal and orange juice.
I only even start to come alive halfway through my second cup of coffee and definitely don’t feel like cooking in the morning.
However, my partner obviously does. So recently I asked her if she’d start making breakfast for me, too. She asked if we were going to trade off and if I’d sometimes make breakfast for her, too.
I told her ‘no’ but reminded her that I do often make dinner for her. She said that since we trade off making dinner we should trade off making breakfast, too. I told her that there is no way I’ll ever be able to muster that kind of energy first thing in the morning, but that since she obviously can that she should just make me breakfast too.
I said that it would take next to no extra effort on her part to throw in a couple more eggs, strips of bacon, an extra portion of hashbrowns, etc since she’s already doing it for herself, anyway. But it started a fight, with her saying that it wasn’t fair for me to expect her to think of me in the morning since I don’t do the same for her.
She seems to think that her making breakfast for me should figure into our division of labor and that I should do something extra in return. But I think that since she makes a huge breakfast for herself every morning anyway that throwing an extra portion of whatever she’s making on for me would take next-to-no effort on her part, so why should I have to do more for her in return than I already do?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ but not for asking her to make breakfast like you worded it. It was perfectly fine for you to ask her if she would be willing to do it for you, but she can certainly say no. She doesn’t owe it to you just cause she’s awake or cause she’s already cooking.
You became the jerk when that answer wasn’t okay with you, you weren’t willing to do anything in return for her extra work and you weren’t willing to accept her answer. That’s just selfish.
We all make choices for ourselves, you might not be a morning person, but you can put on your big boy pants and figure out a way to get up and make yourself breakfast if it’s important to you.
Go to bed earlier, stop drinking so much caffeine, and prep your breakfast the night before. The possibilities are endless, be an adult and figure it out.” Whaleson0987
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, you should not be telling her to make you breakfast especially when the only reason is that you refuse to wake up 30 min earlier.
Just sleep earlier and set your alarm clock accordingly, you’re a grown man. She has the right to refuse if she feels like you are only telling her to compromise without compromising on something yourself.
Your partner on the other hand should understand that relationships should not be a give-and-take situation at every step.
Sometimes you should be willing to do something if it’s no real effort on your part because it makes the person you love happy. She didn’t expect sitting in return each time or else it might as well be a business transaction.
The two of you need to grow up and be more compassionate of the other.” nelson931214
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, you are ignoring the value of what she would be doing for you, already taking it for granted by saying she would just throw on a couple more things. You’re rationalizing why this is so easy it wouldn’t count toward the division of labor.
If you want to start making dinner every day as a trade, that might be a solution. You are asking her to do more work. Period. She is trying to keep things fair. This kind of thing ends up being the root of how inequality of labor starts – by taking the efforts of one partner for granted or downplaying them.
She was open to the idea and willing to start a dialogue. You made it clear you were already not going to appreciate what she would be doing for you.” User
4. AITJ For Not Inviting My Brother To Hang Out With Me And My Dad?
“I (16m) have a younger brother (13m) and we share a mom but have different dads. My parents were married and mom had an affair and my brother was the result.
My dad didn’t want to raise my brother or stay married to mom, which I get, but when my brother’s bio father left the country to flee all child support stuff, my mom and her family decided my dad was a piece of trash for not loving my brother for being my brother.
Mom over the years has filled my brother with the idea my dad should be his dad too since we’re related and she’s always tried to encourage me to include him in my time with my dad and has encouraged him to tell me how he feels left out.
It’s always been awkward. My dad and I talk about it. He has spoken to mom, he has taken her to court over the issues and he has asked me if I want him to adopt my brother as his own. I always said he didn’t have to.
I just hate the pressure.
My brother and I don’t have a great relationship because of everything. I have included him a couple of times if my dad was offering to take me and my friends someplace. But my brother tries to bond with my dad and then gets upset when my dad doesn’t treat him the same as me.
Last time he got mad because dad treated him the same as my friends and corrected him when he said they were family.
So my dad took me and some friends to a cool arcade in another city. I didn’t invite my brother this time.
I didn’t even mention it. But I guess dad had to because he was taking me so far and my mom was mad when I got to her house. My brother was upset and told me he was being left behind/left out. I told him it’s not that but he needs to understand that he makes things awkward when he chases after my dad.
He told me dad should be there for him too and he’s just a kid without a dad and how can I not be mad at my dad for excluding him?
My mom and her family told me I should be ashamed of myself for excluding my brother.
I argued back that it always ends badly when he’s there and I’m done letting him think he can use that time to get close to dad because clearly dad doesn’t want to raise him. I was called a terrible brother.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mother created an affair baby and your father is not wrong for refusing to be his father. Your mother is responsible for this mess. She has been emotionally mistreating your brother and you for years by trying to force a bio-type relationship between your brother and your father.
If your brother has uncles on his father’s side, he should try to form relationships with them.
Your brother is innocent but your father does not owe him a relationship. Your mother’s actions show that it is her nature to only care about herself.
Your father sounds like a great dad.” PsychologyAutomatic3
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The only jerk in this story is your bio mom and the guy who got her prego.
You say, ‘My dad didn’t want to raise my brother or stay married to mom’. No kidding.
I’m glad you understand that point. The outcome was logical and predictable. Your father has too much self-respect not to remove himself from the situation. The affair partner was a jerk, to begin with for sleeping with a married woman. So when the baby came along, it was no surprise that he bounced.
The situation for your brother sucks. Only, it was your mom that is 100% to blame here. You can’t correct her mistake, and she’s a jerk for pressuring you to treat him more like your bio brother.
While none of this is your brother’s fault… you can’t undo the past. NTJ.” Ambitious_Amoeba1992
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your dad offered to adopt him if it made you feel better/life easier. You didn’t and don’t want that. That’s not your fault or your dad’s. He and you do include him occasionally when it’s appropriate, but his actions make it awkward.
He is 13, and while still young, he is old enough to understand that your dad isn’t his, he and his family have no obligation to include or raise him. He only has your mum and his bio father to blame, not you or your father.
Your mum needs to stop filling him with false hope and the nonsense that you’re all family cause the fact is you’re not. Her actions caused the split and this is the consequence of those actions.
In a couple of years, you could be out of the house completely (uni, move in with your dad or just move out) then your dad will have no reason to see or interact with him because you aren’t there.
So it needs to be stopped now because he is the only one who will suffer down the line and that’s no one’s fault but your mom’s.” HunterDangerous1366
3. AITJ For Forgiving My Stepsister For Wearing White To My Wedding?
“I recently married my beautiful wife. This wedding was something she stressed about for a long time as she is a major perfectionist and the type who has dreamed of her wedding her entire life.
My mom flew in for the wedding. She lives abroad with her husband and one of her stepdaughters came with her. My mom and I have an awkward relationship and she was already a bit annoyed that she had to come to the US for my wedding when I didn’t go to hers (did not feel safe in that country).
I’ve never met her husband before or her stepdaughter. Everything was ok until the stepdaughter showed up at our wedding in sparkly white.
I immediately saw my wife’s face drop. I said maybe she didn’t know as women in her country wear red. My wife said that was no excuse as my mom would have known.
I said I wasn’t sure if she would. She didn’t spend that long in the US and she hated it. She hardly interacted with anyone when she did live here and moved the moment her divorce was final. I’m really not sure how much she picked up on American customs when she didn’t interact.
My wife asked me to kick my stepsister out and I said I didn’t feel comfortable as they had had such a long flight and spent so much time and money. I assured her that everyone would know who the bride was, and I really don’t think my mom or stepsister knew.
As the wedding went on I could see it was really affecting her ability to enjoy herself, and her friends kept bringing it up. I finally asked a mutual family member to ask them to leave, but my wife feels it was too little too late and that I didn’t defend her.
She says as women there is no way they didn’t know, especially my mom, and that I chose to play dumb because I didn’t want the confrontation. Her friends were all backing her, and I feel awful over this and wish I had just kicked them out the moment I saw them.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Your wife’s panic attack is not your problem. The fact that she was not willing to bend a little even for your family is concerning. There will be consequences to her decision to alienate your family, and she will have no right to complain when they decide they do not like her.
By the way: Your family did not ruin the wedding for your wife. She did that on her own. Hopefully, you only have one wedding day, and you can either go with the flow and enjoy it, or you can do the bridezilla thing, scream that it’s your day, and enjoy absolutely nothing.” Key-Parfait-6046
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. The problem was not that you gave them the benefit of the doubt. The problem is that you’re so conflict-avoidant with your mother that you wouldn’t address something that was an obvious problem for your wife on your wedding day. Presumably, you want this to be your wife’s only wedding day, so it would have been appropriate to help problem-solve this issue.
Why couldn’t you (or someone you sent over to speak with them) have pulled your mom and stepsis aside to mention that wearing white to a wedding is not done, and ask if they could imagine any solution? Your stepsister may have had another dress packed, a wrap to cover the dress, or some other solution.
But you don’t know, because you waited until things were at a boiling point and then tossed them out.
I’m left wondering why your stepsister was even there since you’d never met her before.” SuzieQbert
Another User Comments:
“YTJ because you didn’t bother finding a solution.
Kicking them out is rude, but this wasn’t needed. What you had to do was talk. Go to them and explain that in your country only the bride wears white at the wedding (surely they felt how people were looking weird at them too, so they must have picked up that something was wrong).
All they had to do was change dresses. You say the stepsister packed for 2 weeks!! Surely she had some backup dress packed!
Your failure to act made everyone miserable: your wife and your mom & stepsister. If they really didn’t know (as you assumed), just think how embarrassed they felt when they found out!” esk_7140
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. I’m surprised that with all the planning your wife did, she didn’t give your mom and stepdaughter the expectations. As the mother of the groom, it seems she would have gotten the lowdown on the wedding colors and what the bridesmaids were wearing and even suggestions on what the family of the groom could ensemble in.
I personally feel that this was blown into drama by your wife and her friends. They all knew who the bride was. Yes, it’s a disrespectful move in their opinion, but can be explained away with culture, and brushing it off and having a good night.
Your wife could have done a lot to help their visit go without a hitch, but she was too worried about herself and being the victim. I bet your mom will never come to visit again.” marasmus222
2. AITJ For Telling My Friend Not To Wear The Same Boots As Me On My Birthday?
“It’s my birthday next week. I’m turning 20. And every year, I order in and have a few friends over for a lowkey night. But this year, I decided to go all out because I was feeling like it.
I made a reservation at a nice little restaurant and got a stunning new dress and a pair of thigh-high boots. I have never worn thigh-high boots, but I have always wanted to. I saved up for them for quite some time and finally got them.
Now, I usually turn to my friends for fashion advice. One of my friends, Amy, had her mind fixed on her opinion. Amy didn’t quite like the boots on me and said they were cute but wouldn’t go with the dress I had bought. This was odd because the rest of my group thought they would go perfectly.
I decided to disregard her opinion and got the boots anyway.
A couple of days pass by, and I get a message from Amy saying that she now owns the exact SAME pair of boots as me because her mom decided to buy them for her.
I was obviously confused, but she said that her mom knew she loved thigh-high boots so she decided to get them for her. I didn’t believe this, but I let it pass. Then she goes on to tell me that she’s planning to wear them to my party.
I laughed and told her that I was planning on wearing mine, so she should wear something different for the day. Amy brushed that off and said the boots didn’t go with my dress, and that I didn’t even know if I was gonna wear the dress I had ordered (it hasn’t come in yet, and I tend to have fitting issues, especially at the hips) so I should not count on being able to wear them.
This made me mad, and I told her that I’d ordered the dress one size bigger than I require so the fitting wouldn’t be an issue and that I was definitely wearing the boots to my party.
Amy then asked me if I had an issue with her owning the same pair of boots as me, and accused me of having internalized misogyny.
I told her that I didn’t care if she owned the same stuff as me, but I just didn’t want her to wear them to my party because I’d like to stand out and feel special on this one day. However, she’s now decided that I’m a jerk because I can’t stand any girl having the same things as me, and I’m sick of this argument.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
It’s your day, she knows you’ve been looking forward to it and planning this outfit. Asking her not to wear them on that day is really to avoid conflict. In the end, you can’t control others’ decisions but don’t try to save her from the backlash she’ll receive from the rest of them.
If everyone knows she’s been telling you that you’ll look weird in them and she shows up in those same boots (that cover nearly as much as pants do) she’ll look real petty. I’d tell you to respond as follows, ‘I’m not trying to control you, just asking for a favor from a friend so I can feel special on my day.
I don’t know what I did that made you feel that way but I just want everyone to enjoy themselves on my birthday.’ Have a great birthday!” BlueMoonSol
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Imitation is the highest form of flattery.
This person should more honestly be categorized as an acquaintance and not exactly a friend.
She went from being passive-aggressive to full-on aggression. I don’t even believe her story that her mother, out of the blue, purchased the same boots.
Confidently wear what makes you feel good. The evening isn’t about her. I certainly wouldn’t ask her opinion in the future nor answer her questions about what you’ll be wearing at your event.
Everyone who knows the two of you will more than likely think it off that she chose to dress like you on this occasion.” HunterIllustrious846
1. AITJ For Wanting To Know What My Mother-In-Law Plans On Wearing To My Wedding?
“My MIL pretty much hates me. She doesn’t like that I stand up to her crap and doesn’t think I’m good enough to marry into their family. She has complained relentlessly because we want a small simple wedding instead of a circus and she thinks we are embarrassing her.
FIL is paying if that is relevant, but he offered.
MIL and FIL’s mom (GMIL) really really hate each other. It is hands down the most toxic MIL-DIL dynamic I’ve ever seen. Anyway, we gathered for Thanksgiving (GMIL wasn’t there) and we were playing a truth or dare type game with cards.
MIL drew one and the question was what is the worst thing your partner has ever done to you?
MIL replied that when GMIL got married, MIL assumed she would be wearing red because she is Japanese. She had Japanese and Chinese mixed up and apparently, Japanese brides tend to wear white.
MIL put a lot into finding the showiest red dress and tried to ruin the wedding. FIL never told her because he didn’t want to deal with it, and MIL was extremely disappointed when she showed up and GMIL was in white and didn’t think anything of MIL’s dress.
Ever since hearing this story, I’ve been anxious about what MIL would wear to my wedding. I know it might not be logical, but if she would do something that cruel in the past, I don’t know what she is capable of. MIL recently mentioned she still didn’t have a dress for my wedding, and I set a boundary that I need to see whatever she buys before she commits to it.
MIL laughed at me and called me entitled and insecure.
I said I was serious and she blew up about that is not how you treat the mother of the groom and I need to learn respect. I pointed out that she did something nasty to GMIL and she just started yelling at me that I am disrespectful and I have no idea what I’m talking about.
She ran to FIL.
FIL told me he promises she won’t wear white and I have zero say beyond that, and I need to grow up. My fiance is backing me 100% but now the whole family is in turmoil.”
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ, you have no right to police her shopping and/or demand a viewing prior to the wedding.
Also, the idea of having someone spill red wine on her dress can lead to assault charges or a trip to small claims court. The only appropriate action is to make it very clear to her that she will ABSOLUTELY NOT be allowed into the wedding/reception if she is wearing white.
FULL STOP.
Your fiance needs to make it very clear to her that he backs you on this 100% and then not another word needs to be spoken on the subject. When the big day comes either she respects you or she gets turned away.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but if MIL sucks as much as you say, she’ll just lie about what she’s wearing anyway if she’s planning on pulling another stunt. So preapproving her dress won’t do any good. Personally, I’d tell FIL to keep his money, pay for the wedding yourself and throw them both out if she shows up in something inappropriate.
At the very least, stand up to them both and warn them that you WILL throw her out if she is dressed inappropriately or tries anything else to ruin your wedding. Honestly, I’d elope if I were in your position with an evil witch of a MIL like this who has literally tried to ruin weddings before.
It’s not worth the stress and it will probably annoy her even more if she isn’t given the chance to mess with you.
Spoiler alert – there’s literally zero chance she’s not going to try to ruin your wedding either by wearing white or doing something else awful.
Good luck.
Also funny how she throws around the word ‘disrespectful’ so much after that’s exactly what she was to her own MIL. People don’t automatically deserve respect. Especially when they’re jerks. And the ones who throw that word around as if they automatically deserve it bc they’re older than you or some other nonsense, are usually the ones who deserve it the least.” TA122278
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Boundaries and demands are two different things. You can decide what you wear and no one gets to tell you otherwise. You cross her boundaries when you demand to control what she wears. FIL’s promise that she won’t violate the one social convention you have a right to expect regarding everyone else’s clothing is all you can ask for here.” srboyd3315
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Her for obvious reasons. She seems like she just thrives on drama and causing misery.
BUT YOU. You’re taking your FiL’s money for the wedding. Then you turn around and try to make demands of his wife. NO. You don’t get to do that, he’s paying so HE makes the rules.
You don’t like it? Give the money back, find it yourself. But you don’t seem like you’ll do that, so sit down and shut up.” Nerdy_Yet_Cool1997
