People Give Us Permission To Judge Their "Am I The Jerk?" Story
15. AITJ For Walking My Dogs Without A Leash?
“I have two dogs of my own which I walk daily. I also walk a family friend’s dog as their dog and my dogs get along really well.
I have been walking to my Nan’s very often (as she has fallen unwell) to walk her dog. In total, I walk 4 dogs very regularly.
My issue lies not in the dogs themselves, but rather in an angry cyclist on the walking trail.
I have worked really well with all 4 dogs to get them to a point where I can walk them off-leash.
They know to stick to the ‘correct side’ of the path to walk, and happily walk alongside me.
Along this track becomes an off-lead oval place for dogs. I take the dogs there to you know… run.
On our way back home, a cyclist was coming towards us. So, I promptly followed the walking trail rules (and general courtesy rules) and stepped off to the side of the path.
My two dogs stood off to the side, and my nan’s dog and friend’s dog stood off to the side of the path, a couple of meters behind me.
Before the cyclist rode by, I turned around to tell my nan and friend’s dog good girl and good boy as a reward (positive reinforcement or another way of giving a treat.) My friend’s dog has an ear infection at the moment and he can be a little confused as to why I give the commands that I do (he is a very smart dog).
As I told the dog, good boy, to my friend’s dog, and my nan’s dog good girl, the cyclist rode on by and grumpily told me to put my dogs on leash.
Now, the rules on the track are to share the path, clean up after your dogs, and control your dogs. (Edit no.3: dogs are allowed off-leash when walking, regardless we were in an off-leash area of the trail.)
I am very confused as to what I did wrong. I gave way to the oncoming cyclist and I had all my dogs under control. They didn’t bark, they didn’t even try to go back on the path or chase the cyclist. None of them are even remotely interested in the bike. They’re more interested in walking.
There’s a sign (not rule) about controlling your dogs, which does have a picture of a dog on lead… which is what I think he (the cyclist) might have been referring to? Even then, my dogs were VERY much under control.
I’m a very anxious and sensitive person. This might be bluntly obvious to some if I did or didn’t do wrong.
So… am I the jerk for walking my dogs in an off-lead area?
(Side edit) It’s come to my attention that many people don’t like off-lead dog walkers, with this in mind, please, I am asking if I’m the jerk for walking my dogs in an off-lead area. Not if I’m a jerk for walking my dogs off lead.)
Edit: I feel like I should clarify… I was still in the off-leash area, we had just started to leave the off-lead area. The shared trail, ‘goes through’ the off-lead area. It sits up the top of the ‘oval’ (more like green place) off lead space… if that makes sense? In addition, the picture of the dog on lead on the sign is at the beginning of every crossing (which there’s a lot of crossing on this trail) along the trail.
Which I do always have them on lead for.
And for those saying “carry a leash,” I do. I always have 4 leads on me. As I walk them on lead. I’m also aware things can go wrong, I know things do happen. I always ALWAYS listen to my dogs’ language, my nan’s, and my friend’s dog.
If I even think there is a remote chance something is up with their behavior (anxious, wary, skittish, etc), I always put them on a leash.
I also have them on lead when there are people around and whenever I’m not in the designated off-leash zone.”
Another User Comments:
“I got called out to a park last year to pick up a baby raccoon.
His family had been chased, and he had been caught, by an off-leash “good dog.” I was assured the dog had “never done this before,” and the owner was so confused about how it had happened. The poor raccoon’s back leg was mangled, and his family had left him behind. He was four and a half weeks old and spent the next five months at a rescue facility.
He was eventually released with two orphans who were the same age.
Any dog, no matter how well trained, can have a wild moment. And that moment can be catastrophic. LEASH YOUR DOGS.
YTJ.” MerelyWhelmed1
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I’ve spent a long time dreaming up speeches to dog owners who take their dogs off-leash.
I’ve also spent years watching my old dog become very reactive to dogs on or off leash because he was attacked so many times by off-leash dogs. He was like my baby, so to not be able to take him to places he loved like the beach because of off-leash dogs broke my heart.
I would have anxiety attacks when we’d have a bad off-leash dog encounter. I only walked him on paths where leash laws/rules were in effect.
If the path is shared with cyclists, it would likely require leashes. It would be incredibly unsafe to have off-leash dogs and cyclists share a path. It’s cool that your dogs are smart and know what to do, but it would just take one distracted cyclist to hit one and injure it.
Why take that risk? Once you get to the off-leash section, go nuts, but your dogs deserve to be protected and safe on their walk. Everyone else sharing the path with you also deserves to be safe and enjoy themselves.” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“So, while reading this, I was reminded of a conversation I had years ago with my ex from the UK.
We were looking at photos and there was a child on a leash in it. (It was a small backpack strapped to him with a tether the adult held so the bag acted as a harness.) The kiddo was young, around that age where they go everywhere and are learning their feet, but I couldn’t say how old.
I’m terrible at that due to a low association with kids. I made an offhand comment about how odd it was to see. Maybe it was just my area or the time period, but it wasn’t something I came across much. In my thoughts, I considered it a curb to their freedom to explore and learn.
But then my partner and I discussed why. I didn’t think as a parent. It had nothing to do with limiting the kid from being a kid. It was safety: from others, or himself, or falling. It was a subtle direction: so the parents didn’t have to yell or interrupt play. It encouraged walking, gave the parents a break from carrying, tired the kid out, and allowed him activity and new environments.
Plus he loved the backpack to fill up with things found on the walk or to carry his toy/blanket/etc.
My takeaway? The “leash” wasn’t one-dimensional. It was there to do a whole lot more than keep a kid from playing.
I also used to walk dogs for a living. It didn’t matter what the dog could or could not do.
Unless in private safe areas where it was appropriate, they were on leashes. (I trusted one dog one time and had to chase it around a golf course for hours. Never again.) They were not just animal friends and living beings; they were my livelihood. I’m sure the good parents who have seen their children hurt would see a similar correlation to their kids being their life too.” pandorafoxxx
Another User Comments:
“Okay, so I think with all the edits I understand that you walk them off lead In Off lead areas and on lead in all other areas. If this is the case NTJ because walking dogs off lead when allowed is fine (we have those areas where I live, I avoid them when walking my foster dogs because some can become reactive when an off-lead dog runs up to them).
I wish I could walk my dogs off lead in these areas. You would be the jerk if they were off-lead in the wrong area but I think you’ve stated that’s not the case.
If the cyclist was riding through the off-lead area then he’s the jerk for telling you off when you’re in the right.
I suspect he was anxious one of them could trip him and perhaps it made him disgruntled enough to comment unfairly. Although also keep in mind that people without dogs don’t always pay attention to or know the areas for off-lead and on-lead dogs so don’t let it get to you but don’t be surprised if this happens from time to time.” Negative_Training509
14. AITJ For Leaving My Partner's Kids Alone In The Pool To Go To The Bathroom?
“First time traveling with my partner (49M) and his two boys, 9 and 13.
I get along great with the boys. They’re awesome, smart, creative, funny kids. They can also be jerks, but that’s normal. I’m on the verge of becoming an official stepmom, which would be a big “step” for all of us. Lately, I’ve felt extra scrutiny from the three of them (kids and partner), which makes sense.
Both boys mentioned to my partner that I left them unattended in the hotel pool on this trip. I got pretty defensive when he brought it up, but perhaps I am the jerk. I grew up a latchkey kid in the 90s, and am often surprised at the lack of independence both boys demonstrate. Neither of them walks to or from school a few blocks away, they can’t be left home alone for an hour to run errands, or go to the corner store by themselves..
it seems odd to me. But I accept that I may be old and wrong.
Anyway.. I was watching them in the hotel pool. Small pool, not deep, but no lifeguard. My partner said he was “going upstairs to get his swimsuit” and left for 40 minutes. I had to pee. I said jokingly to them “ok dudes, shallow end, no drowning!” and went to the lobby bathroom for maybe 5 minutes, then came back to watch them.
Weeks later this has come up with both of them. I’m annoyed with my partner for disappearing for an extended period of time when I thought he was coming back to swim, and I’m annoyed with the boys for ratting me out as if I left them in a burning car or something when I just had to pee and they are 9 and 13 and both decent swimmers!
Argh! But maybe I’m wrong. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Your partner is the jerk.
If he wanted a break/to finish some work/to take an uninterrupted poop, he should have told you as much so you knew what sort of time commitment you were looking at. But by saying he’d “be right back” after grabbing his swimsuit, he set it up that he’d be back any minute, and that you should wait to use the restroom.
These are competent swimmers, a teen and a preteen, and there were other adults in the area. Though you took 5 minutes to pee, they were not completely unsupervised.
What boggles my mind is that you’re so accepting of your partner being a jerk. Did you all talk about the fact that he took 4 times longer than he should have?
Did he apologize? Does he even recognize that he dumped the kids on you because he hasn’t taken basic steps to teach them independence and is also overwhelmed by the insane supervision requirements he has? Or are you two only talking about your “errors”?
You, OP, are NTJ. But you will be if you keep letting these two children and their grown adult father walk all over you.” emh88
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, that’s dangerous. Sooo many kids drown each year. If there was a lifeguard, fine. But there was no lifeguard. Every family has different rules about this; in my family, the rule was that you had to be 16 years old and a swim instructor or lifeguard in order to be allowed to supervise other kids swimming.
It sounds like in this family, the agreed-upon rule was that you had to be there. So you broke that, too. (Correct me if I’m wrong about that rule.)
If the 9-year-old started drowning, the 13-year-old would not be able to save him (you really have to be trained to save someone drowning; untrained people trying to save someone drowning very, very often end up drowning as well).
Drowning can happen in 2 minutes, so yes, 5 minutes is too much to be gone for. I’m glad they “ratted you out” aka informed their dad of an unsafe situation — that’s exactly what they should have done.
Needing to pee is not an emergency and a reason to leave them alone. Unless you have a medical condition.
You could have peed in the pool or something. It is essential that they are not out of your eyesight.” sillybilly8102
Another User Comments:
“YTJ and so is their dad.
I grew up as a latchkey kid, too. When I was 8, I was at a pool party minding my own business when my foot hit the slope to the deep end, and I went under.
I managed to surface a couple of times, barely, and couldn’t manage to get any air. I was starting to suck in water when someone finally noticed what was happening and pulled me out. 30 seconds more, and I’d have been at the bottom with lungs full of water. The whole episode took less than 5 minutes.
If you expect a 13-year-old to save his brother, well, keep in mind how a lot of adults trying to save people drowning just wind up as a second casualty.
You don’t leave kids unattended in water. You don’t fail to pay attention to kids when they’re in the water. Drowning can be quick and it can be quiet and it is famously hard to recognize at times.
If your partner is being a giant jerk, the correct answer is to make the kids get out of the pool for 5 minutes while you go pee.
While it does sound like they’re a little overprotected, leaving them alone in the water isn’t part of that. It’s not any better than tossing a toddler in your lap to go to the corner store because it’s “only a 2-minute drive.”” TerrorFromThePeeps
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, he left you for 40 minutes with them without asking you first or letting you know how long he would be.
At 9 and 13, they are not babies.
What were you supposed to do? Take them with you? 13 is entirely old enough to look after a 9-year-old for the time it takes to pee, even in a swimming pool.
If he wants to micromanage them and helicopter parent he needs to do the work.
No one drowned.
It’s good for children’s development to be left alone for small amounts of time.
13 should be far more independent by now.” ResponseMountain6580
13. AITJ For Buying More Expensive Gifts For My Granddaughter Than My Grandson?
I would never feel okay with this as a grandparent.
“I have many grandchildren but this is about the oldest ones, Jake (18) and Maya (18) (they are cousins, not siblings).
18th birthdays are very important in our family, so for Jake’s 18th birthday, I told him I will buy him whatever he wants (as long as it’s reasonable, of course).
He told me he needs a new phone, so I bought one for him which cost me around $1,000. I encouraged him to choose other gifts as well, but he said it’s enough.
For Maya’s 18th birthday, I did the same thing and told her to choose whatever she wants, and she gave me a list of the things that she wanted, and it cost me about $7,000.
I was a bit unsure whether I should buy them or not but decided that it would be unfair if I don’t buy them because Jake had the same offer, and he chose not to get anything else.
Jake’s father (my son) was very angry at Maya’s birthday. He said I’m showing favoritism. I tried to explain to him that I’m not because Jake had the same offer.
His argument was that I raised Maya (her parents worked a lot and I was basically her babysitter) while I didn’t have as much contact with Jake (his mom was a SAHM), so naturally, Maya would be closer to me, and it would be easier for her to ask me for things.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You knew you would be buying both of them 18th birthday presents and that Jake’s was first. You should have set the price range then.
What almost certainly happened is that Jake thought he was already lucky you bought him a top-of-the-line phone and didn’t want to come off as being greedy. If you had told him you were willing to spend up to “X” and would be doing the same for his cousin, he would have felt free to ask for more.
You also had the opportunity to tell Maya that the price range was around one thousand dollars after spending that on Jake.
You might think you have been clever by making them the “same offer” but anyone with a functioning brain cell can see that you had multiple ways of making it fair.
ETA: You could have even sent Jake a gift card with a message saying that as Maya asked for more, you thought it fair to send him the difference.
The fact you didn’t makes me think that on some level you knew you would spend more on Maya and are fine with that but don’t want to own up to it, even to yourself.” jwjnthrowawaykfeiofj
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, two things:
You gave both grandchildren the choice to buy whatever they wanted and even encouraged your grandson to buy more, but he didn’t want to.
I would recommend you still reach out to your grandson and make sure he isn’t upset with you, just to be sure.
Because I’ve seen so many comments saying that you shouldn’t be spending the savings on your granddaughter: if you have the difference and are willing to spend it on your grandchildren, then it’s nobody else’s business.
$7,000 may be too much for some people to afford, but if you can, then good for you! 100 or even 50 is also a lot for some people to afford. You shouldn’t stop yourself from spending on your family because people on the internet are jealous!” aegyonayeon
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Money doesn’t spoil kids. Bad upbringing does that.
The amounts in question are so big, it’s hard for most folks to wrap their heads around even being able to do so much for a grandkid. It seems extravagant. The bitter truth is, a comfortable setup at uni probably does cost as much as you spent on Maya these days. I hope both Maya and James realize how lucky they are to have you and how marvelous it is that you’re in a position to provide for them so amply.
Insisting that all gifts be of equal value—that’s for little kids. Grown-ups know better. If you like, you can adjust the amounts if any bequests you make. Or you can give James a gift card now—I’ll bet he’d love a gift card; it’s really the most useful thing you can give a person starting a new chapter.
Or give him a heck of a graduation gift.
Same for the younger grandkids.
Ultimately, though, the jerk here is James’s dad, who is the one actually acting entitled. He thinks he’s entitled to tell you how to spend your savings and how to make decisions about your relationships with young adults who are not babies anymore.” Amiedeslivres
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
First question: Since you said you would buy reasonable gifts and spend $7,000 on one kid what exactly would be an unreasonable gift? I mean, Jesus… will you adopt me?
Jake was responsible and asked for a reasonable gift. Which is what you told them. Maya instead went all out and asked for a Santa Claus-style list. That did not mean you were required to buy everything for her.
It’s kind of like if someone takes you to a restaurant for dinner. Common manners say that you shouldn’t order everything on the menu. Jake ordered a reasonable dinner. Maya ordered everything off the menu and all of the desserts.
Why are you faulting Jake for having good manners and rewarding Maya for being greedy?” Applesbabe
12. AITJ For Not Wanting My Sister's Partner To Spend The Night?
“My (23M) sister (22F) and I usually get along pretty well, however, we just got into a huge fight.
My parents have gone on a trip for a week, they left today leaving me and her home alone, but in two days, my sister is also leaving with her partner on a trip.
About two weeks ago, she told me that her partner was gonna be sleeping at our house these two days before their trip, while our parents are away.
This made me a bit uncomfortable, so I told her that he could spend the day with us, but I really didn’t feel comfortable with him sleeping over. Even though it seems like a relatively serious relationship and her partner seems nice enough, I don’t really know him very well (I’ve met him two or three times, and we just greeted each other), plus they have been together for only about 4-5 months.
She got really mad, and we fought a bit, but then I had to leave because I wasn’t staying home at the time, and my ride was leaving. The next day, I texted her saying that it’s only 2 days and then they’re going away for a week alone, so I would really appreciate it if he didn’t sleep over those two days.
Last week, I came back home, and we didn’t really talk about it, but today I brought it up, asking if he was going to sleep over, and she said yes. So we got into a huge fight; the dude is coming over later, and I just have to deal with it.
Should I have just kept quiet and let him sleep over without saying anything?
Am I even entitled to feel uncomfortable about this?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your sister knows your parents would say no, so she’s trying to steamroll you. Pick up a phone and call your parents. My sister tried to do this to me once. Your sister knows your parents and their boundaries about their home and is choosing to disregard them.
Everyone saying she’s known him for 4 or 5 months is a joke. We’ve had women on here with guys for years and didn’t know half of what they did.
This is your parents’ house, so call them and tell them. Don’t let your sister put you in the middle. Your sister is probably counting on your parents blaming you if something happens because you’re the oldest and a guy.
Leave it up to the people (parents) that own the house to make the decision.” MaryAnne0601
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Is he sharing your bed? No? Mind your business.
Is he sharing your room? No? Mind your business.
Do your parents know that he’ll be staying there? Yes? Mind your business. No? Then tell them, since it’s THEIR house, but stop setting ground rules for a house that you don’t get to make ground rules for.
Since she’s going away on a trip with this dude, one can assume your parents know, so they’re pretty sure about what she’ll be up to.
Why are you against your sister having a love life?” LetThemEatHay
Another User Comments:
“I was almost going to say NTJ because in reading this, I forgot your age.
Thought you were a 16-year-old girl or something. Dude, you’re 23, you’re an adult, and your sister is an adult, get over it. He ain’t there for you, and chances are, your safety isn’t at risk in the slightest.
Gunna have to come to terms with the fact that your sister is an adult in a relationship.
Heck, she might not even do anything “bad” with him while at home, but you are acting like you’re going to witness something you don’t want to see. Tell her you’re sorry. Say you are worried because you don’t want to hear your sister do the deed and that you should have talked with her first like an adult instead of acting like a child.
Then put in earbuds and mind your business, YTJ.” CitrineRose
Another User Comments:
“I seriously don’t get all these responses.
NTJ, you are allowed to have space and peace in your home, a home your parents own and your sister stays in. Just like if she said she was uncomfortable with you having a partner over, then that is what it is.
She is taking advantage of your parents being gone, which happens, but she needs to respect a simple No. “No, this makes me uncomfortable” is a baseline of respect and applies to EVERYONE when someone is living with others. It’s not as of this is her house and she’s doing you a favor by letting you stay with her.
I have been in situations where I’ve lived with others where some spouses I didn’t know made me uncomfortable and it was fine for others.
Also, you can tell your parents, and she can deal with the consequences. Play adult games, win adult prizes. It’s so weird how everyone here is willing to ignore your feelings of discomfort regarding your sister’s choices.
If it’s such a big deal for him and her to sleep in the same place, why not go to his? My guess, because he also stays with his parents, and they would say no. Their options are to be together in the day, then he leaves, or they can get a hotel room, but you do not have to be uncomfortable in your home for two days, so she can play house.” movingforward1621
11. AITJ For Giving My Brother-In-Law's Ship Model To His Ex?
“My BIL (24) moved in with me and my husband (his brother) after he broke up with his ex due to infidelity. I’ve cleaned and prepared his room for him and he’s been staying with us for a few days.
His ex showed up while I was alone at home and asked me if I could go get my BIL’s ship model for her.
I asked why and she told me he gifted it to her so it was hers. I went into his room, looked through his closet to find it then gave it to her. She thanked me and left.
BIL got home and then before dinner, he rushed out of his room asking if anyone saw his ship model.
I told him his ex showed up and asked me to get it for her since she said he gifted it to her. He was shocked initially, he then went off on me saying she was lying, that this ship model is worth over 2k and that it’s a family heirloom that he inherited from his dad.
I asked him to please calm down and not raise his voice at me when he’s a guest at my home. He told me I had no right to enter his room let alone go through his stuff and then give something of high value to his ex. We got into an argument and my husband said that I messed up by going into his room in the first place.
I reminded him that this is my home and I don’t need permission from anyone to enter any room in the house. They both gave me the cold shoulder and BIL started complaining about having to go through the trouble to get the ship model back and mentioned the police saying what his ex did was theft and basically blamed me saying I “technically” helped her by touching stuff that isn’t mine without permission.
I think they’re being harsh and unreasonable. But AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Just because it is your home does not give you permission to give away someone else’s belongings. Especially since you did absolutely nothing to confirm the Ex’s story before you gave away something that didn’t belong to you.
Considering the value of the item you stole from him (and, let’s face it – what you did was theft, your home or not), he actually had the right to raise his voice at you, especially since you not only showed no remorse over your actions, but you doubled down on what you did and your justifications why you are “right.”
So much of this could have been avoided if you had swallowed your pride, apologized, and offered to help him get it back. This is your mistake. You need to make this right.
In short, they are not being unreasonable. The only person being unreasonable in this situation is you.” bamf1701
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
You are wrong in so many ways.
The relationship between your BIL and his ex isn’t your concern. You should not have involved yourself in it and essentially taken the ex’s side. It wasn’t your decision to make whether the ex deserved to have your BIL’s property.
You acted foolishly and allowed yourself to be conned. (Or you were actually complicit in a theft.) Unfortunately, your BIL is the one suffering from the consequences of your actions.
A guest in your home should have an expectation of privacy. You don’t have a right to just enter the space you’ve allocated for your BIL and paw through his belongings.
You don’t have a right to just give away another person’s belongings. Even if the person were credible (which the ex was not), you should have called and gotten permission from your BIL.
It seems obvious that you resent the presence of your BIL in your home. I don’t know whether you actually believed the ex or if you just wanted to punish your BIL yourself.
Because of you and your appalling behavior, your BIL may have permanently lost something of sentimental value.
If the ship is returned but damaged, you should pay for the repairs and give him $ to make up for any loss in value.
If the ship is never returned or is damaged beyond repair, you should pay in excess of the $2k value.
You also owe your BIL an apology.
If your husband suggests therapy, take him up on it. Couples have divorced for much less than your crappy actions. The fact that you can’t even acknowledge that what you did was wrong is concerning.” Mermaidtoo
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You have a serious problem with boundaries. You don’t get to snoop and go through the belongings of others because they are in your house.
Furthermore, you have no business meddling in your BIL’s relationship with his ex.
The right thing to do would have been to tell the ex that she needs to talk to him, and for you to stay out of it.
Are you naive or did you think you were doing the right thing? Do you have a problem with your BIL? You chose a side and screwed up.
Seriously, what on earth made you think you had any right to do this? Did you think you were righting a wrong? Why would you give the ex the time of day?
You should have had your BIL’s back.
I hope your BIL can get his ship model back, but it doesn’t look good because you messed that up for him. You need to make this right.
In case you missed it, YTJ. A colossal jerk!” Stardust68
Long story short: you had zero right to go through his things. Zero.
10. AITJ For Refusing To Make A Discounted Wedding Cake For My Friend?
“I (32f) have a friend “Ashley” (33f) who is getting married the first week of November. We’ve been friends since we were kids, and I’m also a bridesmaid at her wedding. We’ve been talking about wedding stuff for the past year as I recently married in April, so it’s been fun doing wedding stuff together until Ashley dropped some bad news.
The person responsible for the cake for her wedding is moving and is no longer able to do it. She was refunded but is now out of a cake.
I am a cake decorator myself. I was a teacher, and this is my first year as a school administrator, but I’ve held jobs in high-end bakeries and made cakes for fun out of my house.
I don’t have a cake business as I don’t want one.
Ashley asked me if I can do her wedding cake. I at first declined as I never do cakes for large events but with the date coming up and her not being able to find anyone, I caved.
Ashley wants a four-tiered cake with four different flavors and 100 cupcakes, 25 of each flavor.
The decorations will require me to order specialty molds and I’ll have to hand-paint some gold onto the cake, as well. The total cost came out to $825, $100 more than the previous baker.
Ashley was upset and said I was overcharging but I showed her the breakdown (I used the same pricing system as one of the bakeries I worked at and it wasn’t even the most expensive one).
I told her I would do it for the other quote if she was strapped for money but Ashley then asked me to do it for only $150.
When I asked why Ashley said since she’s my friend, she should get a good deal and she could use the money to upgrade the hotel for their honeymoon, to think of it as my ‘wedding gift’ to her.
I told her she was getting a good deal as I was willing to go to the price point of the previous baker. But she mentioned that I did my sister’s cake for free several years ago and do free birthday and anniversary cakes for my (immediate) family all the time. I told her family and friends are not the same.
Plus, I had more time to do my sister’s cake as I had fewer responsibilities as a teacher back then compared to what I do now. She told me I needed a friend discount, so I said, “The discount is you get 0% off, 100% of the time, and if you keep bothering me, I’ll even add tax.”
Basically, Ashley didn’t like that response and has told the rest of the bridal party what I said, so I’m getting pressure from 9 additional women to drop the price, though some say to half it instead of dropping it to $150. My parents paid for my wedding, so their main argument is I don’t need the money nearly as much as Ashley does, which they only know because they saw me using my parents’ credit card several times when out wedding shopping.
Only her maid of honor (her sister) thinks Ashley is being unreasonable. My husband thinks I should drop out of the wedding and not give her anything, but he also doesn’t like Ashley or her fiancé (he thinks she’s a spoiled brat). AITJ?
Edit: I’ve only paid for my dress for her wedding.
I’m also doing my own hair and make-up myself. But the only amount I’ve spent so far for her wedding on my end is for my dress and shoes.
To clarify, baking is a skill. Paying for just ingredients and molds would be maybe $150-$200 but is already factored into the cake cost you buy.
What most (home) bakers base their prices on is the intricacy of the design, the difficulty, their clientele location, and, most importantly, time. Then cakes are priced with that combined with the serving size.
She has 120 guests. A serving is $4.75/person, so $570. Because 100 doesn’t divide by 12 but is still a large number of cupcakes, I discounted the cupcakes from 3.50 per decorated wedding cupcake to the price of a regular plain cupcake with no decorations, which is $2.50.
So the cupcakes were $250. The total price is $820. I upped it to $825 so the extra $5 could pay for the box to deliver the cake, which I don’t normally have in my house as I don’t typically make cakes that big.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Also a reminder of something super important.
What if the cake isn’t EXACTLY what she thought it should look like in her head?
Like what if the image doesn’t match her “vision” do you know how much trouble you’d go through to get any sort of payment? Or she’d try to harass you into a refund because “it’s not what I ordered.”
She’s trying to scam you out of a free cake.
4 tiers all different flavors? That alone is a nightmare to get just right, plus the specialty molds you may not use ever again or very limitedly.
The CUPCAKES holy crap no. Because you’d have to ice them AT the wedding unless the reception venue has a decent-sized walk-in fridge unit to store said cupcakes and cake in to avoid melting from the heat. But hand frosting 100 cupcakes with frosting that may be different to each plus decorating. Heck no.
You’d have to have an IRON-CLAD contract she would need to abide by, to the LETTER to ensure you aren’t screwed over in the end.
Because she would screw you over in a heartbeat. You’d need the contract overlooked by a lawyer to ensure your butt is covered financially and otherwise (slander, libel, etc ) and have it notarized so it’s a legally binding thing with fancy added on to help your case.
Also, she’s already acting like a bridezilla for demanding you give a nearly 90 percent discount on the cake order.
You priced things by how much everything cost, you didn’t include labor and your time. She’s lucky you are only costing things at $100 more and not $500 because what she’s asking for is like top-tier level pricing from an actual bakery that has the ovens to handle it all, and the space to handle it all, who can also write off things like molds, and tools as a work expense on taxes.
Don’t do it. Really don’t. And honestly? Step outta the wedding. You can sell the dress and shoes for at least half the price you paid (if not full price since it’s barely worn at all) and be done with it. She’s not worth the drama. And her buddies need to back it off.” Alyssa_Hargreaves
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Cake decorator here. My family only ever pays for ingredients and very few friends get this privilege. As in I can count on one hand and have spare fingers.
Now all family and friends who order from me know if the cake they want requires me to buy special molds, cake tins, mats, or anything that isn’t something that I’ve acquired in my 8 years of decorating then that will be added to the cost of the cake.
The cake decorator would most likely have everything for her cake in terms of molds and equipment. Something a hobbyist may not. A lot of decorators get rid of a lot of their stuff when they stop baking for profit because it takes up a crap load of the room.
Most of my cakes bake for 1.5 hours plus mixing and clean up.
I’m going to go ahead and say she hasn’t looked very hard for a cake decorator hoping to push you into doing it.
Edit to add my family (nieces and nephews) get cheap cakes because my brothers and sisters helped me get to where I am. They supported me through my learning and will often send me molds they think are cute.
When I go to cake shops they wander around and buy me stuff “just in case I want it for my kids’ cake” pretty sure that’s how I ended up with 50% of my molds.” Inevitable-Okra-3229
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Also, given the short notice, Ashley should have lowered her expectations considerably. Seriously? Four tiers?
Each one a different flavor? Plus 100 cupcakes?
In Ashley’s place, I would be asking everyone I knew to donate toward your expenses. (But based on what you’ve told us about Ashley, it’s more likely that she’d be resentful that people aren’t donating to her instead of you.) You are ordering specialized cake pans that you will likely never use again.
You don’t want to be running a bakery business, so how often do you think you’ll be able to use those pans?
And you’re not even taking money for your skilled labor in decorating this cake. Plus, there is the fact that most people, if it’s just a one-time event, will probably do a much better job.
Professional bakeries generally use cake mixes, and their soi-disant buttercream frosting is a mix of powdered sugar, shortening, water, vanilla, and almond extract. If it’s a homemade cake, you’re going to make it from scratch and you’re probably going to use actual butter and cream in your buttercream frosting.
INFO: How long would it take to decorate a cake with those specifications?
What I find especially distasteful in all of this is that Ashley isn’t even willing to pay you what she was going to pay her previous baker. Instead, she’s taking advantage of this to rip you off and upgrade her hotel on the honeymoon.” RighteousVengeance
9. AITJ For Not Cooking With Garlic For A Dinner Party Since It Triggers My Acid Reflux?
“This is extremely weird and I apologize in advance for how stupid you’re going to think this whole thing is.
I can’t believe this became a conflict.
With the weather being so nice I decided it’d be nice to have a fun little dinner party. I invited everyone and their SOs if they had them.
One of the SOs is Rick. I have always gotten along with him just fine, but he is one of those guys who tries to make the most bizarre things into his entire personality.
The biggest one is that he’s a “huge garlic guy.” He’s one of those guys who makes a huge deal out of how he uses 400 cloves of garlic in a dish.
I don’t eat garlic. I have GERD from purging, and unfortunately, the biggest triggers for me are booze and garlic. I’m OK with cooked onions.
For some reason in the past 2 years, my sensitivity to garlic has actually gotten worse.
So I don’t use garlic in the dishes I make. Not a huge deal, right? I have a pantry full of any other spice in the world and I’m not shy about using them.
We were eating and I got some compliments on the food.
It wasn’t anything special. But Rick said that he liked it but felt the food was missing something and asked how much garlic I used.
I said I don’t eat garlic, so I didn’t include it.
He scoffed and was like “How can you not use the most basic ingredient in most meals?
That’s why it tastes like this.” He made a big exaggerated face and put the food down.
He then asked why I’d have a dinner party if I had such a limited palate and that he wouldn’t have people over for thanksgiving dinner if he was a vegetarian.
I said, “I have GERD, dude, garlic triggers it.”
He pointed out that I was drinking.
I said yes, I was in fact drinking one hard seltzer that I had flattened, and that these are the only adult beverage I can drink. And that I was also having one just in case my body changes its mind.
He and I went back and forth until his girl (the one who is actually my friend) told him to chill.
Rick got kind of louder and was laughing like, “Come on guys, am I really the jerk here?” with his hands out.
One of the other guys said that it was a little weird but not a big deal.
Anyway, it’s a month later and Rick still won’t drop it. He keeps insisting that it was a jerk-y/selfish hosting move to drink but not cook with the garlic because garlic goes in everything.
So now I’m curious and thought this would be a fun low-stakes question for you all.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“Let Rick keep talking about it. Maybe even encourage it! Things like, “Oh Rick! Please, definitely tell me more about the food you ate a month ago!” Or, “oh good, Rick’s going to get garlicky again!
He’s got some spicy takes on food without garlic,” maybe a joke! “Knock knock! Who’s there? Orange! Orange who? Orange you going to talk more about the free meal you were invited to last month! If so, then maybe garLICK my butt before you begin, you pompous and insufferable crap!” Then do a BA-DUM BA!
Rim shot noise.
Since he is insufferable and pompous, he’ll double down and keep talking about it in an effort to PROVE that he’s right. Look super serious and thoughtful, and say, “hmmm, yes. Please, tell me more. Oh? I see! Mmm, do go on.” Be very focused and sincere. Ask pointless questions about how the soil color influences the umami in the garlic’s husk.
Force him to keep talking. Never stop being sincere either. Insist that this is vital information, and no matter what else he has going on in life, garlic is the only thing that matters about him.
Bury him in sincere, pungent, bullcrap.
Never ever stop.
Make HIM post here.
NTJ.” kevwelch
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, OP.
Hosting or going to a dinner party is an incredibly dangerous event because of the constant threat that one of the other hosts/guests (who it’s pretty clear not everyone here knows well) is secretly a Vampire using the party as an excuse to get invited to your house.
Given that it is common custom (and should honestly be required in my opinion) to serve garlic dishes at meals to ward off any vampires.
This protects you if there are any vampires at your table, and if not, allows everyone to have peace of mind. It’s an incredibly minor ask of you to add at least a little to your dish for the sake of everyone’s well-being.
Your refusal to add garlic means at best you’re incredibly neglectful of your friends’ lives, and at worst that you are the Vampire and are actively plotting your “friend’s” murders (which is a jerk move in my opinion).
Honestly, the fact that you claim to have GERD but are only affected by the garlic portion of it really makes it seem like you are a vampire who googled “diseases that won’t let you eat garlic” but didn’t read the symptoms well enough and had to make up some “oh I can drink booze it just needs to be ‘flattened’ first” excuse when the ever-astute Rick caught you in your lie.
YTJ, and probably a vampire.” RoutineRoof
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your house, your dinner party. I’m assuming you didn’t make garlic bread so what’s the big deal? I like garlic a lot but I wouldn’t expect you to cook with garlic.
For the drink thing, you know your body best. I have several lactose-intolerant friends who still consume dairy to their own detriment.
I never suggest dairy to them, but if they choose to eat it, they can. And yeah they’ll have a bad time but they know exactly how bad it will be and won’t push it. So now you can drink the seltzer occasionally and there may be consequences. It’s your house if you get sick you’re getting sick at home.” pnutbuttercups56
8. AITJ For Selling My Brother's Pokemon Cards?
“My brother (M22) and I (M19) have always been avid Pokémon fans since childhood. Over a decade, we’ve probably amassed an estimated thousand cards.
Recently, my brother began moving out of the house. In the process of helping him, I happened to stumble across his deck of Pokémon cards and began shuffling through them.
Now, given the recently piqued interest around these cards, I knew there was potential for genuine value. While peeping around, I happened to stumble across a few recognizably rare cards in pretty good condition (I’d say around EX-5, ‘excellent condition’ according to PSA Standards.)
I got the cards appraised the next day, and their value was estimated at around 4.3 thousand altogether.
I ended up selling them for a higher price through a private, organized sale with a collector.
I eagerly told my brother about the earnings, but he become infuriated.
He says I’m the jerk for refusing to give him the full values worth of the cards. I told him without me they never would’ve even seen the light of day.
I tried negotiating giving him a cut of the profits but he refused to even consider it.
Now for the past few days, he’s been sulking around the house, refusing to even acknowledge my presence. It’s bad timing, my brother is leaving in a few days and I don’t want to end on bad terms with him.
So, am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. As someone who collects PSA-graded Pokemon Cards with my SO, you definitely undersold all of those cards. Your appraisal was for ungraded cards, and I’m guessing they also probably told you the potential for what they would be, if professionally graded. If you got appraised at a little over 4k for JUST ungraded cards… I can only imagine what your brother lost in potential profits.
There’s a reason the professional you sold to was eager to get them even at a higher price than what you were quoted… and if you’ve both been collecting as long as you have, I bet most of those were early generations with shadowless and 1st editions. Your poor poor brother. You also got swindled yourself which is honestly comical in a sense since you truly believe you made a significant profit.
YTJ x10000 for taking someone else’s belongings, without their consent, and selling it for your own personal gain. Sad that you can’t even see that.” Amonet15
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. If the cards are “both a combination of yours and his” then why didn’t you consult him before selling them?
You unilaterally sold something that didn’t entirely belong to you, and now retroactively want him to agree to your cut.
You are a jerk no doubt about it and since this is around or more than 5K if you had done this to anyone else they would’ve taken you to court.
If you have an ounce of decency, give him the funds and consider the loss of the “pay cut” that for some reason you feel entitled to, as a means of punitive costs for your jerkiness.” Jolly_Tooth_7274
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
What would have been a good idea, “Hey bro, I found some of our old Pokemon cards when I helped sort out your stuff, and holy crap, they are worth a lot! I looked around and found someone paying even more. What do you think? I would say let’s sell them and share the profit (value x to y).
I think most are yours and some are mine, but I was able to get a good deal.”
If he reacts by saying that it was all his and your help in finding out the worth and some buyer, isn’t something he would be willing to share, you could still tell him to go find someone who pays good, for himself.
Be glad he is at least fine with selling them. He could have said he loved them and wanted to keep them no matter their monetary worth. So you can at least try to unscrew this mess.” No-Marzipan-7767
7. AITJ For Refusing To Return A Woman's Grandmother's Wedding Dress And Jewelry?
“I (26F) bought a hoarder house back in May 2018. It is a big 6 bedroom, 4 and a half bathroom house.
When I bought it, the contract stated that I take ownership of the house and everything in it. The lady who owned it died, and her heirs could not deal with the stench and literal mountain of junk and waste in it (you could only open the door not even 8″, and some rooms had the junk filling them wall to wall and floor to ceiling).
Well, it took me these last 4 years to finish cleaning, fixing, and updating it. While doing the cleaning I made sure to check everything before throwing it out. Ended with more than $20k, some nice jewelry, antique furniture, and finally a stunning 40s style, lace-covered wedding dress. This woman took care of that dress until she couldn’t anymore, and it took just some minor work to restore it.
I currently don’t have a partner, but I decided that it would be the dress I will be wearing if I ever get married.
While doing the cleaning, I reached out to the heirs to pass on some pictures and mementos (Christmas personalized ornaments, some kid artwork…), and because of that, I had one of them (30s F) in my social media friends list.
After repairing the dress, I put it on with the jewelry and posted a pic on social media. Well, this woman saw it and asked for the dress and heirlooms back.
I refused to give them back, and legally they can’t do anything. Also if they meant that much to them, they should have cleaned the house on their own, not sell it to me.
Now she, and all her family, are calling me out on social media. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Recovering hoarder here. Legally, you are in the right. Morally, you are also in the right. And though I cannot speak for the woman whose things you now own, I can give you insight into how I would feel if I died before I could find homes for my treasures: I would want someone who cared enough to restore and respect the items to have them.
You saw the beauty in them, as did she. You didn’t just chuck it all in a dumpster. Take them, wear them, and be happy to honor the original owner. Her family did not view these things as anything but a hassle.” zakatekaluka
Another User Comments:
“I’m going to have to go with YTJ. While you may legally own those items, and they could’ve looked through the house themselves, once you’ve opened up communication with the family and friended them on social media, flaunting their dead grandma’s stuff–and expensive stuff at that– is like rubbing their loss of heirlooms in their faces.
There are many reasons people sell homes as is. People seem to think it’s just because they “didn’t care enough to look through it themselves.” But more than likely other factors– like mental health, grief, and managing debt after a loss– were all huge factors. Maybe they made a difficult decision and sold the house to pay for a funeral, who knows?
It doesn’t mean that what is in the house isn’t still significant.
OP clearly said that the dress looked like it had been taken care of–probably more than other things in the home– which means that this dead woman probably wanted to pass on her wedding dress. Flaunting that and her valuable possessions in front of the family through social media is thoughtless behavior.
To echo what other posters have said, what is legal and moral are two different things.” Internal_Analysis472
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – it’s convenient they’re interested now that the work is done.
If they are truly interested, perhaps you could sell the items at market value. You’ve put time & effort into cleaning and restoring.
They had the opportunity to put this time and effort in but chose not to.
Also – I understand this is a touchy subject – but where were they when their loved one needed help?
You have zero obligation to the family. They made their choice.” GroundbreakingOil269
6. AITJ For Reporting My Co-Worker To HR?
“I (26F) am Muslim and Moroccan. But I’m not obviously Muslim I guess? (I don’t wear Hijab).
First of all my first name is a name that is common in western countries too (think Sarah, Lina, Nadia, Miriam…) My last name, I came to know, is actually a Jewish name (I have a Jewish ancestor) but it is very common in my country.
So just by name, you would think I am not Moroccan.
Then since I am Amazigh (Moroccan native), I am very light-skinned, with light hair and eyes. Not what you would think when you hear African.
I came to the US when I was 14 so I don’t have an accent.
In August 2020, I was hired by a company to work remotely 100% of the time.
It was only on September 1st that I started going to the office.
I have a coworker, let’s call her L. L and I have been sort of friends, we both belong to the same team, and even while working remotely we used to have friendly chats sometimes.
When we started working on-site, she was so happy to have a friend to chat with.
The first day she wanted to share her lunch. I declined because she wasn’t able to tell me for sure if the pan she cooked the chicken in was used to cook pork before. So she said: “so you follow Kosher to the letter huh?” And I replied: “actually it’s Halal for me.” She was obviously confused, then when she grasped the situation, she became cold on the spot.
I am sad to say this, but I am used to that reaction. In my mind, all I heard was “another one bites the dust” and moved on with my life.
But she started acting very hostile towards me. For example, if she sees that I am within hearing distance she would make blatantly Islamophobic comments, she follows me around the office, and when other coworkers ask me out for a coffee with them, she would loudly say she won’t be coming with us “because she is going…”, etc. it was making me and everyone else very uncomfortable.
The last straw was Thursday, I was going for a coffee run (we take turns) and didn’t want to take my bag with me (it was a big tote bag). Well, she threw a fit and said that either I take my bag or she will call security and ask them to go through it.
When I said what she meant by that, she told me God knows what I have in it, my “people” are not exactly known for harmless bags.
Everyone was shocked, they said that she went too far. I just went to HR directly and reported her. A couple of coworkers did too. She was called in Friday, then I did too, and I said that I can no longer work in the same space as her.
Today I received an email that she will be transferred to another department. And I felt relieved. But my mom said that I know better than to do that, that I should have dealt with it without impacting her livelihood.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re never wrong to report harmful prejudice.
If you had an open wound, ignoring it only makes it worse.
I’m guessing your mom didn’t want you to create conflict in your workplace, but your coworker created the conflict, not you.
Frankly, transferring the person to a different department was a bad idea, because that was HR ignoring the problem. If that other department has someone who is Muslim, they are now a potential target of this coworker.
HR should have fired this person. Not because anyone is seeking revenge but because that person’s attitude is poisonous and dangerous. It is unfortunate to make someone lose their job, but every adult is responsible for their own behavior.” HolyGonzo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I’m half Egyptian, half Syrian, and was born and raised in the US.
Generally speaking, I do look like I could speak Spanish, and it’s a common mistake that has led to laughs all around.
It’s been fun all around. I used to subscribe to your mom’s mentality because my mom would say the same thing – I do believe it comes with being an immigrant and trying hard to make a life in a country, not your own that has people that don’t welcome you if that makes sense.
My mom has told me to “straighten my hair so you don’t look too Black” as a response to some of the comments I get. Her other responses are usually along the lines of “Don’t respond/call attention/rock the boat/keep your head down”.
I’ve gotten past that, thankfully, and have been able to call people out on their nonsense over the past few years.
You did absolutely NOTHING wrong. Your coworker was in the wrong 110% percent. People with that mentality need to feel the consequences of their actions and while that mentality does stem from ignorance, it isn’t your job to put up with it. You’re a human trying to live your life.
Besides, freedom of speech doesn’t mean freedom from consequences.
I would focus on your other coworkers’ reactions as well, like you stated, they were shocked and uncomfortable as well (though I think that they should have stood up for you a while ago, buuut at least they did when you reported her).” Shawarma-Queen
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – As a Jew that married into a Muslim family, it is N O T our job to help other people grow the heck up.
Their actions have consequences, and we would be impeding their personal growth if we did not allow them to have those experiences and learn from them. Tell your mom that.
Also, she is very lucky she got moved to another dept and not flat-out fired! That woman is an absolute HR nightmare and 100000% SHOULD NOT be working there still.
The company set itself up for a lawsuit by not dismissing her on the spot and with extreme prejudice.
Don’t you dare feel bad for her or allow anyone else to make you feel that way! You have the right to exist. You did nothing wrong. She is utterly heinous and thanks to her own actions, EVERYONE now knows it.
Good – I hope they ostracize her for her behavior. For some people, that’s the only way they learn to correct their skewed thoughts and behaviors.” C_Alex_author
5. AITJ For Wanting To Climb A Mountain With My Partner's Friend Without My Partner?
“My girl’s friend, Rosie, and I turn out to both love mountaineering! We’ve become such great friends from our common interests. We have the goal of doing Denali together by the end of next year and have been training by doing Rainier (along with general conditioning, etc.) and we will do a Denali prep course together probably in Feb-Apr 2023.
Now my girl is fit, that’s not the issue, she just completely lacks the relevant experience to come along. She’s come with me twice, to Mt. Adams and Mt. Hood. She knows the very basics, but still we’re not going with a guide or anything, so I don’t want to be responsible for her safety.
She’s very mad that Rosie and I exclude her from these trips, (“how will she learn if I don’t teach her, etc.”) but I think it’s healthy to have separate interests in a relationship. She doesn’t need to be a part of every part of my life. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Yes, couples can have separate interests and definitely don’t need to spend 24/7 with each other. The issue here is your partner is fit (you said so yourself) and is interested, so it’s not like you can’t include her. You could easily have said she’s welcome to come on any climb including the Denali prep course and if she isn’t mountaineering aware enough at that point then she shouldn’t climb Denali for her safety.
That to me makes perfect sense. It’s absolutely dangerous to be on a mountain that one isn’t skilled enough for. It’s a danger to the climber, their entire party, and potentially the SAR people who might have to come help.
The crazy thing here is that you actually seem to be crushing on Rosie without knowing it.
It seems like you feel your own partner would be the third wheel. This is the part that’s troubling. And you’re saying that “it’s healthy to have separate interests” as an excuse. It sounds like you enjoy your solo time with Rosie for hours on weekends.
My partner and I also hike. She’s a significantly better hiker with years more of experience and is much more fit than me.
There is not a single hike she has not invited me on and has always hung back with me because I’m the worst hiker. She’ll always tell me how difficult a hike is and ask if I’m interested; I’ve bowed out of hikes that I knew were too long and exhausting for me (doable but not enjoyable).
This isn’t the case here. Someone’s got Rosie on the brain.” archetyping101
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
Mountaineering is hard. You know that, and she knows that by climbing Adams. I will NOT discredit Adams, it is still a hard climb with steep snow.
Denali is 21-30 days of continual HARD. She should know the difference between 2 days of hard and 21-30 days of hard, and if she can MENTALLY handle that challenge.
This is where she’s the jerk, if she can’t handle it, she’s risking your and Rosie’s climb. Which Denali costs a lot of $$$ and planning. That’s a hard trip to throw away over an under-prepared climber. Even though I work as a mountain guide, I still feel I need another year before I’m ready.
However,
YTJ if you don’t teach her crevasse rescue, get her climbing on the top rope, and familiar with all things climbing, climb Baker AND Rainier with her.
Adams and Rainier are similar in gain/altitude. Baker is similar in technical grade to Rainier.
3 people on a rope team is ALWAYS safer than two. You should be happy she wants to come with, even if she is just mining your prusik in the event of a crevasse fall.
This is where ESH. Mountaineering is a sport where you trust your life with your partner. ESPECIALLY as a team of two. I (27F) am extremely close with my primary climbing partner (36M). I have been stuck inside a small tent in a storm with him, shared a sleeping bag on a mission gone wrong, we’ve shared food, water, and spoons, I’ve pulled a tick off his butt.
We discuss life and death decisions and then act on them, I trust he can stop me if I fall while tied to him. I trust him with my life. BUT this does not mean I am romantic with him, I do not have any romantic feelings for him, he’s just my best friend and it will always stay that way.
My SO is so sure of this he doesn’t care if my climbing partner and I go out for 5 days. My SO also made it a point to become his friend, and now we all climb and share tents together.
I’m sure it’s a hard spot for your partner to understand, but I would make a huge effort to include her in learning and some smaller adventures, teach her why having someone you trust with your life is important in mountaineering, and show her the joys she can have in a trusted climbing community.” throwawayjaibird
Another User Comments:
“NTJ,
I love to hike, but it’s a shallow understanding of hiking. Multiple-hour stretches and heights are not in my skill set. Even being fit and liking ‘hiking’ just isn’t sufficient preparation.
She’s fair to want to be more included since it’s her friend and her partner. She reasonably wants to spend more time with both of you I’d guess.
A reasonable solution is to also plan hikes in her skillset. Something that challenges her being a walk in the park to you doesn’t mean you shouldn’t help her learn about that part of your life if she’s interested. I think you would be the jerk if you’re intentionally excluding her on the basis of ‘MINE!'” bluejay498
4. AITJ For Not Paying For My Daughter's Tuition?
“I am well off. I have a family of 5, and a few months ago, I was contacted by my biological daughter (17) after she found out my info.
We met up in a public place and honestly had a great time. We talked and shared stories and I told her how everything went down with her other biological parent and why we needed to give her up for adoption at the time.
She seemed happy with where she is and she seemed to be happy with the answers she got although I understand it took time to process.
She told me how she didn’t wanna go to college/university but rather work on her music career and her side business with a part-time job she has. Her parents seem okay with this “as long as she’s making money.”
Well, there’s that. I don’t have the right to interfere. But I did give her advice and say she shouldn’t rule it out just so she has something to fall back on.
She laughed it off and we moved on.
Anyways fast forward to 2 weeks ago, she came to my place. I guess I should note again that I am well off.. my company grew way past my expectations and I can proudly say I live a nice lavish life with good cars, etc.
She stayed over and met my family.
They got on well with the kids and my wife loved having her around.
Two days ago she called me saying that she took my advice and she had been applying to different schools and looking at different accommodations. She told me about some of the schools and I’m familiar with them and she showed me some very expensive accommodations.
I told her I was proud and what she wanted to study. She said she wants to study the arts. Well, I said that’s great and her parents must really be happy. She agreed and was silent. I asked if she was OK and she blatantly said, “Well, will you help me pay for it?”
I was speechless. I didn’t really know what to say and I told her that wasn’t an easy question. Then she hit me with the, “Well I thought since you are my dad and you left me when you couldn’t take care of me, and now you have everything and you can, that you’d want to.”
I asked her what about her parents. She said they don’t have enough.
I told her I’d need to think about it, and I left the call.
I went over it with my wife and she also doesn’t think it’s a good idea. We have three kids who need to go as well and there are so many other finances between and after that.
We have the money but we planned around just 3 kids including any type of emergency that may happen.
I texted her last night that I won’t be able to do it and she blew up. Told me that I had the chance to do what was right but I screwed up again.
I feel terrible.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She was within reason to ask because there are a lot of bio-parents who do say after they’ve accumulated their savings and their offspring have grown up, that they want to help their kid now that it’s financially possible for them. How many stories have we seen here from the kid’s point of view, asking whether they should take it or not?
It’s hardly unusual. So it’s not particularly weird that she might think it likely, and inquire.
But it’s also not mandatory by any means. You turned over all parental rights and responsibilities to a different set of parents once, and that was the end of your obligations to your offspring. She gets to ask. You get to say no.
I would hope, however, that your adoption process included giving them a full family medical history because that’s really important for any person to know about their genetic ancestors. If you didn’t do it then, you should offer her that now.
But that’s the only thing I think you owe her, and only then if you didn’t take care of it when she was a baby, which is when you should have.” VoyagerVII
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I really feel for her — a teenager imagining that she could have grown up in a wealthy family and had more resources to pursue her dreams if only things had gone a bit differently.
But I have to consider these facts:
Unlike other situations I’ve seen, you did not impulsively and thoughtlessly abandon her.
You made an adoption plan for her and in so doing, you legally relinquished your parental rights, which got transferred to people who were in a position to parent her. She ended up being raised in a family that she seems relatively happy with and whom you describe as “lovely”.
Parents are not obliged to pay tuition and accommodation for their children.
It’s nice if they can provide it, but many young North Americans finance their own studies through scholarships and loans.
Your 3 other children have no other adults to provide for them. She has her legal parents to provide for her. It’s okay for you to prioritize them over her.
By saying you “screwed up again” she seems to suggest that you “screwed up” before by making an adoption plan for her.
I don’t know the exact circumstances behind this decision, but it sounds like a very responsible thing to do if you and her biological mom were not in a position to parent her. I don’t consider this a s******p at all, and I hope you don’t feel guilty about it.
I hope you are able to be kind to her in whatever way you can, but feel free to go slow.
She’s 17, flailing around, probably has some maturing to do, and is trying to find her way. She might s******p a time or two; this includes being rude to you when she shouldn’t. Don’t do more than you and your wife are comfortable with. I love the suggestion from other posters that you reach out to her parents, if possible.” cpagali
Another User Comments:
“YTJ and I’m honestly shocked more people don’t agree.
Legality and financial responsibility of adoptive parents aside – you welcomed her into your life, she saw you had enough money to support three other kids and have extra left over for nice cars, etc., and you never explicitly told her that you did not have the intent to invest a little into her well-being and her future.
I was not adopted, but my dad was absent pretty much all of my life, showing up for brief visits when he felt like being a dad again and expecting me to treat him as such despite him never being around and never contributing financially to our struggling household, despite his legal obligation to do so.
I understand that you have no legal financial obligation to her or her family, but bear with me. I don’t have a relationship with him anymore and I haven’t talked to him in years because, at the end of the day, if you want the benefits of being a father (ie, a relationship with your child) you need to actively invest (in money, in time, in effort, in care) into their lives.
If you had no intention of fully treating her like one of your kids you had absolutely no business reaching out to her and dangling your “well-off” lifestyle in her face. Whether you meant to or not, you got her hopes up. That’s why she’s upset. You don’t get to skip the tough or less-fun parts of being her father and reap the benefits now that she doesn’t technically need you to be her father anymore.
At the very least you should have offered to help as long as she started looking at more cost-friendly schools, with the explanation that she is not the only one of your kids that wants to go to college. Or maybe sell some of your nice cars. Do you really need more than one? And are they more important than making your daughter feel like you’re trying to make up for the years you weren’t there?
Try to put yourself in her shoes. If you can’t see where she’s coming from you don’t view her as your daughter. And if that’s the case do her a favor and don’t try to be a part of her life.” Automatic_Clothes772
3. AITJ For Refusing To Let My Daughter Stay At My Mother-In-Law's House?
“My daughter (6f) has recently been asking her grandmother to stay at her place often and my mother-in-law just decides to TELL me that my child will be staying at her place.
Now normally this wouldn’t bother me and wouldn’t think too much of it, however, my husband said that my daughter has been asking to stay there because of the “yelling” at our house.
I will admit that recently I have been losing my patience with her more easily than in the past, so yes after asking her 3 times to do something I will yell at her asking her to PLEASE do what I asked.
When I found out this was why she was going over there so much I told my husband and my mother-in-law that it would be stopping. By no means am I a bad mother, and both of her siblings completely understand that I yell out of frustration from the lack of listening, they have admitted that they know if they just listen the first time to what I say I’m nice and calm and things run smoothly.
I’ve also always explained to her why I yelled at her after the situation has calmed. So to me, her asking to go over there because I yell is just an excuse. She isn’t made to behave the same way there as she is here and she knows it. I’ve heard how she talks to her grandparents and I’m disgusted and they don’t say a word about it.
But now both my husband and my mother-in-law (who already hates me) are super mad that I’ve said she can’t go over there for excuses like this. I’m not stopping her from going over there completely, just stopping this behavior where when she doesn’t like something she runs to them to avoid having to deal with the consequences of her actions at home.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Yes, YTJ for yelling. There’s a lot to break down in your post, but let’s focus on the yelling. Being yelled at invokes a fear response in children (adults too often), and if you are yelling regularly to the extent that she feels unsafe or unhappy at home, then you are the issue, not your MIL for giving her a reprieve.
Don’t take her safe space away until you can do better.
You’re the adult in the mother/daughter equation, so it’s on you to better control your emotions and work out how you can help your daughter understand (and give her a say in) what needs to be done and why.
Losing your patience occasionally is understandable, we’re all human, but if this is several times daily then it’s verging on mistreatment.
And just because you’ve successfully scared or otherwise subdued your other children into submission doesn’t make “do what I say, when I say it, or be yelled at” a good parenting method.
You need to find another, healthier way to deal with your frustration (and need for control), other than taking it out on and controlling your children.
If you aren’t actually a jerk, just someone under a lot of pressure and who doesn’t have effective coping mechanisms, then reading into gentle parenting may help. It’s not the same as permissive parenting, but it can help you, in an age-appropriate way, navigate and avoid power struggles with your child, which is what this sounds like.
It’s helped us a lot with our strong-willed child (and my own short temper).
The husband needs to be on the same page, but it is good that he is bringing this to your attention because you do need to address it together. Sounds like maybe he needs to step up his game at home if you’re the one saddled with most or all of the hard parts of parenting.” Legal-Needle81
Another User Comments:
“Y’all, I’m a nanny and I never yell at the children I nanny for. BUT, if I was the mom of some of the kids I nanny for, I would. Some kids will look you in the eye and literally spit in your face over asking them to wash their hands.
I’ve had a child beat me in the head with a broom after I asked her to stop hitting people and things with it. You can’t just make kids listen or know to do something they’ve done every day. So the yelling will need to die down, but from the ages 2-7 are SUPER TOUGH.
Gentle parenting is difficult even as a nanny. I’ve seen moms cry over being frustrated with their one kid that’s being a jerk just because they know they’ll tire their mom out.
So either all of you are super ignorant about children or you’re regular Internet scrollers that just wanna call anybody a jerk.
NTJ I know exactly what your kid is doing and it IS enabling her behavior. Heck, I was one of those kids at a point.” Possible_Walrus9461
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Obviously for yelling at your kid, but also specifically for how you handled this.
Your daughter has found a safe place where she feels like she can go to get away from your yelling.
And when you discovered this was the reason, you acted like she was the problem instead of looking at your own behavior. Instead of being horrified that your anger has led your young child to literally want to leave her own home to get away from the person who should make her feel safer than anyone – you – you just shut down her ability to do so, without offering any comfort or solutions.
Do you care at all about how your behavior impacts your daughter? Have you no curiosity about what she’s feeling, or how you can help her? Or are you happy to just assume that you know why she’s trying to get away from the “consequences”? And for the record, yelling at a child is not a consequence – it’s mistreatment.
And “explaining” why you yelled at her is not the same as apologizing, acknowledging it was wrong, and committing to not doing it again. The fact that your other kids say they know you yell out of frustration means nothing; if you’re only nice and calm to your children as long as they do what you say, that’s a pretty low bar to clear.
Sometimes kids don’t listen; tough luck. It’s not an act of disrespect – it’s an entirely normal part of their development, and yes sometimes there are other ways of communicating that you can try to see if it helps them hear you better, but honestly having your kids not listen to you is just part of being a parent.
If you can’t regulate your own frustration enough to avoid regularly yelling at a 6-year-old for being a normal 6-year-old, then the problem is not her, it’s you. So if you’re going to cut off her avenue of escape from a home environment that’s clearly distressing her, you could at least take a good hard look at how YOU can improve the way you treat your kids.” invomitous-rex
Start punishing her after the first time you have to repeat yourself, before you get so mad you start yelling.
2. AITJ For Refusing To Let My Sister See My Daughter Since She Didn't Acknowledge Her As A Baby?
“I had my daughter (8f) when I was 22. My sister was 25 at the time. I don’t know when she became child-free. At my baby shower, she had a frown on her face the whole time and would say things like “Oh another expensive gift, wowww. Could pay my rent if I sold that.”
My pregnancy was quite scary but everything turned out fine.
When my family came to the hospital to greet and hold her, my sister refused to even touch her. Her explanation was that she “Doesn’t like small kids, especially babies, and never wants to have them.” I was quite sad at this and asked her why she wouldn’t want to interact with her own family just because she doesn’t like or want kids.
She just shrugged and handed me a congrats card. The rest of the family was horrified and she kinda became an outcast at that point. She was always starting some kind of drama with someone.
Fast forward to now, a couple of months ago she started showing more interest in my daughter. She’d call and ask what her favorite colors and movies were.
Drop her presents off at my door. I asked her why after all this time, she wanted to get to know my daughter.
She said it was because my daughter was quite older now and wasn’t a screaming baby. “She can hold a conversation now, so I think we’ll get along just fine.”
I shook my head and said she made her decision to not interact with her years ago. I told her she doesn’t just get to randomly decide when she wants to act like an aunt. “I don’t even think you love her. How could you? You don’t even call me half the time.”
She said she was trying to be an aunt, I just had to give her a chance. I told her I had tried giving her many chances and she blew them. She called me a jerk, said I couldn’t let go of the past and that she knew my getting pregnant was the end of the sister she once knew.
She hung up and I told my husband everything. He says I have every right not to let her in my daughter’s life, but I feel so unsure. The rest of the family agrees.
Someone asked if she had been mean to me and the baby at some point so I’m putting this here as well:
After the family started shutting her out, she did talk crap about me and the baby on social media, to others, etc. I did give her many other chances to apologize and be in her niece’s life despite this, but she blew it every time. Plus she had been a problem wayyy before I even got pregnant.
She just wasn’t pleasant to be around unfortunately and most people were done dealing with her.
She did stop the drama after a while, she didn’t keep talking crap for 8 years. But the damage was/is done.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Decisions have consequences. Being child-free is fine, but to refuse to interact with someone for almost a decade and then act like she can just waltz back in and everything will be smooth sailing is ridiculous.
Life doesn’t work like that. She’s only thinking of herself and not your child.
Your child is a stranger to her. They have no bond. She missed out on her entire life and now selfishly wants back in. You don’t need to give her a chance if it means protecting your daughter from people that aren’t good for her.” missdannybee11
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
Neither of you sucks because:
She was very honest with you about not liking small children.
You, as a parent, do not have to allow anyone into your child’s life against your better judgment.
Both of you suck because:
You’re inhibiting your child’s relationship with her aunt over a grudge you’re holding over her personal preference to steer clear of little kids.
Your sister could’ve made the effort and sucked it up with your daughter as a small child so that she could have the relationship she planned on having in the future with her.” VividSpecialist3532
Another User Comments:
“ESH – It’s okay that your sister doesn’t like babies and doesn’t want to interact with them. Some people are not baby people.
She was a jerk about it and your pregnancy though.
You, on the other hand, tried to force interaction between your daughter and your sister despite your sister’s very clear discomfort with babies. Babies are cute and soft and sometimes smell nice. Babies are also loud, fragile, and sometimes smell terrible. My dad was very non-demonstrative with all his grandkids when they were babies because he didn’t know how to interact with them.
But if my sister or I had decided that because he wasn’t appropriately demonstrative in his affection (in fairness he also wasn’t a jerk about it, like OP’s sister) as babies that he didn’t deserve to see them as kids, we would have been depriving our kids of a wonderful grandfather as they got older.
What matters here is your daughter. If your sister is showing interest now, why deprive your daughter of a relationship with her aunt now that she is older?” steve2phonesmackabee
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. She made some unnecessarily snide comments at your shower, but you absolutely suck for not giving her a chance. A lot of people are uncomfortable with babies and young children.
The crying causes anxiety or they don’t wanna get spit up on, it just makes some people nervous. Just because she didn’t want to hold her as an infant doesn’t have any bearing on whether she loves her niece and you have no right judging her feelings on a personal boundary.
You’re being a jerk, especially if you’re keeping the gifts she brings and allowing phone conversations, which it sounds like you are.
It means your daughter knows who she is, likes her, and at some point is going to wonder why you’re blocking the potential of their relationship. Especially with the gifts, it just comes off as greedy if you keep them but disallow an actual visit.
She doesn’t like babies. It’s not personal, it’s just a thing.
That has nothing to do with her loving her niece, she just felt uncomfortable at the early stages. That’s not jerk behavior, it’s just a boundary.” armchairshrink99
1. AITJ For Not Wanting To Hang My Daughter's Artwork?
“My daughter (12) is a very good artist, and recently unveiled something she was working on for a couple of weeks: A portrait of our family, and she wants to hang it in the house.
This isn’t a picture of stick figures, this is a semi-realistic charcoal sketch of me, my husband, our dog, and our cat. But my son, her brother (10), isn’t in the picture. My daughter claims that she “forgot,” and “there wasn’t any room for him in the picture,” but I am very sure she did it on purpose.
To explain why I am sure this was on purpose, I have two reasons.
First off, the portrait depicts me next to my husband, and my daughter between us with the cat on her lap. The dog is next to us all. I am no artist myself, but it’s very clear just what my daughter was trying to say.
Second, my daughter has always had a very adversarial relationship with my son. She has always tried to get him in trouble, bullied him, and resented him for existing. My son doesn’t do much to aggravate her anymore at least. (He used to try to get on her nerves, but that stopped.) He doesn’t go into her room, he doesn’t try to take her things, he only reacts to her.
Most days he’s never in the same room except for meals. And even when we have meals, he never talks to her, and she never says anything to him, but at least they aren’t fighting.
The picture took her a couple of weeks to do, and this isn’t something on an A4 piece of paper.
This was done on a canvas (18 x 24) with charcoal. It was pretty clear that a lot of work was put into it, yet she could include our dog and our cat, but not her brother. My husband thinks it would be rude to not hang it up but I am pretty sure that our son will feel excluded because he wasn’t in the picture.
Husband says that this is actually an improvement since the last time our daughter drew our son, it was done to anger him. This is of course raising red flags to me that he considers exclusion to be “improvement”. (Yes she has used her art to demean my son in the past.)
My son is aware of what my daughter did – but he’s trying to put up a brave front.
He tries to say that my daughter doesn’t bother him but I know it really does hurt him.
I am thinking that maybe not wanting to hang it up might cause discouragement for her that we don’t want to show it off to anyone. So I am wondering: WIBTJ if I didn’t want to hang this in the house because my daughter didn’t draw her whole family?”
Another User Comments:
“Don’t hang it. And get your daughter into therapy. That level of hatred for her brother is really messed up. Younger brothers can be annoying, but unless he’s a child sociopath who killed her pet or something, then her hatred of him is inexcusable and certainly shouldn’t be rewarded.
It’s bizarre that your husband is worried about you being “rude” to your child when she is being cruel to her brother. Parenting is sometimes “rude” because kids don’t like being told their behavior isn’t acceptable. She can draw or sketch whatever she wants, but that doesn’t mean you reward exclusionary behavior by hanging it on the walls.
Point out to your husband that doing so would be rude to your son!!
I’d be worried that your daughter is going to escalate. First, she bullied and blamed, now she’s excluding. What’s next?
YTJ because of all that.” EconomyVoice7358
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
This is not a family photo. It’s an artwork she’s done.
Siblings don’t always have to like each other. This definitely is an improvement from her using her artwork to demean him. Him not being in the artwork doesn’t hurt him. She doesn’t have to paint him. It sounds like she’s spent a lot of time and energy on this piece. And drawing an extra person takes a lot of effort.
A lot more effort than just taking a photo. And she doesn’t have to spend that much energy on someone she doesn’t get along with and may not like. She deserves to be validated for her art. Your daughter is a child, she has no responsibility towards your son and you punishing her for not putting effort into depicting someone she doesn’t like will only make her anger worse and next time, she’ll be excluding you too.
Basically, if you want a family portrait, hire an artist or take a photo yourself. Stop expecting your daughter to do it for you.
Edit: the people calling out the daughter are weird. Clearly, it’s a problem if they don’t even talk to each other. But the way I see it, she drew her parents and the pets.
Just make it clear it’s not a family portrait and move on. And the stuff about only displaying family stuff in family spaces? People legit put their kids’ stick figure drawings on the fridge so that argument is wild. Parents forcing their kids to include everyone is harmful and it breeds resentment and prevents a child from developing boundaries.
Children should be allowed to hang out/paint who they want without being told they have to include everyone. She’s not the parent. So long as the parents are treating their kids equally, it’s fine. Allow kids to have space from the people they’re fighting with. Only then will they have time to forgive.
Forcing them together will only create resentment.” moonlitfallacies
That's the wordiest way of saying "Its ok to encourage your daughters bully behavior" I've ever read.
You were in an off lead area with all dogs under control.
The cyclist ca*n*******