People Anticipate Our Rationale For Their "Am I The Jerk?" Story
18. AITJ For Getting My Friend Evicted From His Apartment?
“I have a buddy who is part of my friend group who smokes a lot. Whenever he comes over to my house, he lights up. I have to constantly chase him outside.
I smoke too; I just don’t do it in my house. I smoke outside.
Anyway, a few of us were over at his place for the Superbowl, and I lit up on his balcony. I figured if he was comfortable smoking in my house, he must smoke at his place.
I did not want to do it indoors though.
He comes running out and tells me to put it out. It’s a smoke-free building. Crap.
I guess I wasn’t quick enough. He texted me today, and he has been evicted, and he lost his security deposit.
I feel like a jerk. He is mad. Some of our friends are mad at me. But a few of them pointed out that I literally have had to throw him outside at my house because he kept smoking inside.
He wants me to put in his security deposit, so he can get a new place.
I might give him something because I feel crappy about the situation. I did not mean to cause him problems. I just thought he was so used to smoking at his place, that is why he always forgot at my house.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ because you made a reasonable assumption based on his own behavior.
Because of this, and because you all smoke, he should have made it clear to anyone coming to his place what the rules were, if there were going to be such dire consequences. You might want to help out with the deposit as technically you did get him evicted, but you should also gently point out why you assumed what you did because he always smokes indoors at yours.” Holiday_Cat_7284
Another User Comments:
“ESH, you should have asked. However, he more so than you, because he should ask before lighting up in your place. And he dang sure shouldn’t have done it after the first time. Also, I don’t think you owe him a penny.
Only because I have doubts that he’s being evicted purely for -one- smoking infraction. On a balcony. He has likely had other infractions himself, leading up to his eviction. So, in theory, if he hadn’t had those infractions, yours would not have been the straw to break the camel’s back.” ashleighbuck
Another User Comments:
“I’m gonna go with ESH, but the one violation and eviction seems fishy to me. He’s the jerk because he randomly lights up at your place. I smoke a ton too, but smoking isn’t allowed in my house, except in my bathroom in the basement (fan).
And, well, no one knows about my basement bathroom really, so they’d need permission to smoke indoors like a -friend- would. Op made an understandable mistake as if I couldn’t smoke in my home, I’d be salty as heck about it. And my friends would know by my whining.
But also it’s common knowledge today, in the USA at least, apartments are mostly smoke-free and pet-free even for similar reasons. Still, 1 violation and kicked?” Nebula9545
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. First, I can’t imagine being evicted for one person smoking on a balcony. For the landlord to evict, they have to go through a legal process, wait on the back and forth, and then rent the apartment again.
That all costs time and money, so no landlord is doing that to an otherwise good tenant. Second, he created a standard where you thought he was good with smoking, since he did it IN your home, multiple times, even when you asked him not to, repeatedly.
I would totally assume if a friend thought it was okay to smoke inside my home, that I could smoke on their balcony. It’s not about you just not asking, but the fact that he created an impression of himself that made you think smoking at his place was okay.
And if he lived in a building that was super strict, and he invited people over that he knows smoke, then he should have told people.” mfruitfly
Another User Comments:
“Your friend is lying. This is NOT how evictions work. Most likely he had multiple strikes from smoking himself and was already getting evicted. Demand to see the paperwork AND meet with the property manager to verify his story.
But trust me, as a former property manager of a smoke-free building. He is lying.” TiredAndTiredOfIt
17. AITJ For Implying My Sister Is A Horrible Mom?
“I have two nephews (John-25 and Finn-15).
I love both dearly but John is a bit difficult to be around. He still acts like a child and is incredibly mean to his younger brother. I’m putting it lightly actually, he’s terrible to Finn. My sister doesn’t say anything because he has autism but will instead spoil Finn to make up for the bullying.
It’s a really weird situation that I didn’t pick up on until very recently after I moved closer to them.
My sister, brother-in-law, and nephews came over for dinner the other day. It was going well when all of a sudden my daughter (18) told me she couldn’t find her very expensive necklace.
I had assumed she had misplaced it and assured her I’d help her find it later but then I noticed that Finn looked extremely nervous. I took him aside and asked him if he was alright. He ended up admitting that he had stolen her necklace.
He bursted into tears saying that he was really sorry, he didn’t want to, and John made him do it. He was bordering a panic attack. I called my sister over and told her what happened.
I then asked her what she was going to do about this.
She said “What am I supposed to do? I can’t control them and they’re old enough to figure things out on their own.”
So I said: “so you’re completely fine with John bullying Finn? It doesn’t bother you at all?”
She said that it does bother her.
So I asked why she didn’t do anything about it then. I straight up told her that I don’t want to hear any of her bullcrap excuses. She asked me what I meant by that. So I told her, your excuses are pathetic.
John has autism, boys will be boys, I’m scared, Finn needs to learn to stand up for himself, etc etc. I told her that these are all bullcrap and that she’s setting both kids up for failure.
She started bawling and called me a heartless judgmental witch who wouldn’t understand.
She then left, leaving her husband and kids. I told her husband what happened and he just sighed. My mom then called me later saying that I should be kinder to my sister. I told her I was just telling the truth. My mom then said that I’m acting like one of those annoying “I was only being honest” jerks.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re 100% correct. Your sister is setting her sons up for failure, especially John. Having autism is no excuse for John’s bullying or bad behavior. Many autistic people can learn better behavior. Your sister is allowing her 15-year-old son to be bullied by his much older brother.
At 15, he still needs support to stand up to his brother – Finn is not old enough to figure this out. This isn’t a “boys will be boys” issue (which is a nonsense excuse in my book) but a serious parenting failure. Finn is likely to go NC with his parents as soon as he’s out of the house.
I can’t imagine how he feels. Also, John should be able to understand that stealing anything is wrong, and it’s not a prank to steal. One day he’s going to take it too far, and your sister won’t be able to intervene. Keep the lines of communication open with Finn.
He’s going to need support.” MerryMoose923
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I can’t really speak on John as autism is a spectrum. A lot of people only consider high-functioning types, but there is a lot more than that. From the info given, we don’t really know John’s capabilities.
Spoiling Finn though. I’m assuming he’s neurotypical? He needs to learn responsibility. I get why you did what you did but I imagine your sister has a lot to deal with with John. Especially if he’s going to be with her for life. You aren’t obligated to but it would be a good gesture if you spent time with Finn just by himself.
John likely dominates his parents’ attention and he is pushed around by John so a lot of his acting up is because of this dynamic. Even if he’s superficially spoiled.” QultyThrowaway
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Finn is 15 and he’s being bullied and threatened by his own brother.
No one should break down crying and have a panic attack because they’re scared of their siblings. This must end now. And you are right, what your sister is spouting is bullcrap excuses. She’s the parent, she failed in teaching her son how to behave and now she’s failing in protecting her other son.
The fact that John is autistic means nothing. An autistic person can still learn right from wrong and if they get violent and parents are unable to handle them then there are other solutions. I have another question though, what is her husband doing except sighing?
He is responsible as much as she is and he failed in his role as much as she did. These people are not fit to take care of their sons. Finn needs help and he needs it now.” Daughter_of_Dusk
16. AITJ For Telling My Partner Not To Parent My Kid?
“I 29m have a 6-year-old daughter.
Her mother has been in and out of jail since my daughter was a year old and has no custody or parental rights. I’ve been with my partner 27f for 2 years, and we recently got a place together for the first time, been living together for about 2 months.
My partner has 2 kids, 8m and 5m.
In ways I’m extra cautious with my daughter, she’s been through a lot and also has health issues, has very bad asthma. When it’s cold sometimes I let my daughter stay home from school so it doesn’t cause a flare-up.
The other morning was one of these mornings. I told my partner to just let her stay home and I’d call the school, I had to work so she was putting the kids on the bus. She did the exact opposite, she thought putting on long sleeves + sweater + jacket, would make her warm enough to go, and sent her in.
Without her inhaler. Which like I said, resulted in a flare-up. Luckily, it was at school, and they have her backup inhaler there. I got a call 2 hours later saying my daughter had an asthma attack, and it was under control, but I could come get her if I’d like.
I had no idea she even went to school.
I immediately called my partner and asked her what she was thinking and her response was, “Because Renee stayed home from school, the boys wanted to too, and it wasn’t fair, so I made her go.
The cold isn’t going to kill her.” This made me explode, and I told her how my daughter had an asthma attack, and then I said, “Don’t make parental decisions for my daughter.” She got upset and called me a jerk and asked how are we supposed to be together if she can’t make decisions for my kid and how I was babying my daughter and how she needed to go to school, even if it was cold.
I’m honestly considering breaking up with her. She knows how bad my daughter’s asthma is and was neglectful. I’m planning on taking my daughter and staying somewhere else tonight.
I don’t think I’m the jerk. She fully ignored and did the opposite of what I said to do.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You made a decision for your daughter based on her health. Your partner ignored that. She didn’t just make a decision for your daughter, she went behind your back to send your daughter to school and then didn’t even tell you.
For what? Because she failed at explaining it to her sons? Her reasoning is ridiculous and I wouldn’t want to have my daughter around her. Even if she didn’t have an asthma attack, it wouldn’t change the fact that it’s clear your SO will disregard your choices for your daughter.
And she has no problem being sneaky about it. This had less to do with the partner believing your daughter was healthy enough to go and more to do with your partner prioritizing making her life easier. She didn’t want to deal with her sons so she put your daughter at risk.
She’s a major jerk.” Dry-Ad-2732
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. People without asthma have a weird attitude toward it. I had a severe asthma attack while mowing the lawn last summer. I felt it coming on due to too much heat, dust, grass, and exertion, and I came into the house and collapsed. I was scared because I felt like I couldn’t get enough air, and I was lying on the floor unable to get up and get my inhaler, and my husband asked me, laughing, if I was okay.
I gasped out, “No, I can’t breathe. It’s bad.” He stepped over me and went outside. I was left to try to calm myself down and try to pace my breathing so that the spasms would stop. I used to think asthma wasn’t a big deal, but I had a student who died from an asthma attack because she was alone.
Why do people have to treat it like hypochondria? Like it’s all in one’s head? B***d isn’t the only indication of a serious health issue!” SuUpr_Tarred_1234
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, and break up with her. There are several key things here: Firstly, she undermined the parental decision that you had already made, and “How are we supposed to be together if she can’t make decisions for my kid” is a complete red herring because of that.
She didn’t need to make a decision because you had already made it, and it was underhanded of her to go behind your back and reverse it instead of supporting you. She cares more about the perception of fairness than either genuine fairness or actual factual child safety.
Secondly, having undermined you and undone your decision, she sent your kid to school without her medication. That was unsafe and yes, neglectful. Thirdly, she is in denial about the seriousness of your daughter’s illness, and that has put your child in danger. “The cold isn’t going to kill her” – wow, yes it could actually!
Especially if the teachers hadn’t had access to an emergency inhaler left at school! Asthma can be serious, and people do die from it.” Normal-Height-8577
15. AITJ For Calling The Police On My Dad's Friend's Wife?
The wife is an absolute monster and deserves to stay in prison.
“My dad has this friend, let’s call him Jimmy. He’s been my dad’s friend since before I was even born. We’re so close I even refer to him as “Uncle Jimmy.” Jimmy has some really serious health issues, severe diabetes, and heart issues.
Diabetes causes his legs and feet to swell, and it’s so bad he has a really difficult time walking or moving around in general. When I graduated high school, I moved out of state and lost contact with him. We hadn’t spoken for around 8 or 9 months as his health was deteriorating, and despite reaching out, his wife always answered and said it wasn’t a good time.
When I visited my dad over the holidays, I figured I’d drop by Jimmy’s place and pay him a visit. I called him several times over the course of my trip but never got an answer. On the second to last day, I decided just to drive over there.
There wasn’t a car in the driveway, but something just compelled me to knock on the door. I knocked and stood there for a few minutes. I heard mumbling and groaning, and since no one was answering, I grabbed the spare key from its hiding place and unlocked the door.
I found my Uncle Jimmy lying in the bathroom, covered in his own urine, and crying. I immediately called an ambulance and tried to figure out what happened and where his wife was. Apparently, he had fallen, and his wife told him he was “too fat” to pick up, so she just took their young daughter (8 years old) and went shopping.
After the ambulance came, I called my dad to tell him what was going on, and he told me that he knew about Jimmy’s wife but told me not to intervene anymore because Jimmy had to be the one to stand up for himself. My dad told me since I had left things had gotten really bad.
She was only cooking him high-carb/sugar meals, then refusing to give him his insulin, or only giving him a small dose that had little to no effect. She would leave him sitting in his chair and wouldn’t help him to the bathroom or to bed at night.
He’s on CPAP at night, and she would turn it off because it bothered her.
This was far beyond his wife leaving him on the ground after he had fallen. I lost it on my dad and told him I was calling the cops, and I couldn’t believe he hadn’t.
I called, and they took my statement, and they tried to take my Uncle Jimmy’s at the hospital, but I honestly think he was too afraid to make one. My dad refused to make one. Jimmy’s wife is out on bail now, but my dad is still mad at me.
Saying I’m a jerk for blowing up Jimmy’s life and Jimmy’s daughter’s life, and if Jimmy really was worried, he shouldn’t have been a wimp and just called the cops himself. I think I did the right thing. It was insane what she was doing to him, and I can’t understand why my dad is so upset with me.
So, AITJ for calling the cops?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You did the right thing. Also, notify adult protective services to keep an eye on the situation. I had a patient who was similar to your uncle. The ex-wife left him to sit in his own excrement and didn’t give him his insulin and only took him to the ER when both of his legs were gangrenous and had to be amputated while she was wearing designer clothes and bags.
Having high b***d sugar may not allow your uncle to think straight and if he was dependent on his wife, he wouldn’t have called. I am sorry but your dad is a jerk. If this was a woman being mistreated, he probably wouldn’t flinch, but a defenseless sick man in the same position?
That is wrong. You are a hero in trying to help Jimmy.” PrincessBella1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, and she is actively trying to kill him!
“only cooking him high-carb/sugar meals.” Messing with his b***d sugar, which could be fatal.
“refusing to give him his insulin.” See previous point.
“He’s on CPAP at night, and she would turn it off.” Not sure if this has the potential to kill, but I’ll bet it’s darned uncomfortable.
“She would leave him sitting in his chair and wouldn’t help him to the bathroom or to bed.” Maltreatment and humiliation.
Urine burns over time.
“His wife told him he was “too fat” to pick up, so she just took their young daughter (8 years old) and went shopping.” Did she think he would magically spring upright if she bought enough new clothes? If he can’t stand by himself then what was her plan?
“If Jimmy really was worried, he shouldn’t have been a wimp and just called the cops himself.” He’s hurt, sick, and humiliated, I wouldn’t blame him for not wanting to make that call. Your actions might be enough to get Jimmy out of that situation, and that makes you a hero.
Your dad is being a spineless enabler.” Entorien_Scriber
Another User Comments:
“Oh, God! NTJ at all! Sweetie, she’s trying to kill him. I’m not even exaggerating. Diabetes is serious. My aunt died because she missed her afternoon snack one time. Like, literally straight-up DIED. Granted, she had Type 1 and it sounds like Jimmy has Type 2, but… still.
He doesn’t deserve to be murdered via neglect. You did the right thing. Ignore your dad, he’s being deliberately obtuse to avoid the reality of the situation. Your uncle is in a domestic violence situation with a wife who is actively trying to kill him, and it sounds like you’re the only one who cares.
Keep pushing until he gets help. No one deserves to be treated like that.” VLDreyer
14. AITJ For Not Watching My Language Around My Niece?
“I (40m) have a brother (35m) who has one kid, Angela (16m).
Angela is autistic and very into drawing and art in general. She’s really hard to have a conversation with unless you are talking about pens or markers or Photoshop.
But she’s pretty cool all things considered since she’s related to my lame little brother. The dude is a total buzzkill, ever since high school. I’d party in college, and he’d tell my parents when I came home intoxicated.
So anyway I am a bonafide Disney adult.
I love everything about it. Not sure why but I think the parks are really fun and I live just down the street from them.
Angela knows this and for my birthday in December she made me a gift. My brother prefaced it as “really darn weird” and said I needed to pretend to like it.
I was fully prepared for a weird art or something based on the unflattering description.
I opened it, and it was a print of this freaking insane space battle with Buzz Lightyear-looking photo-realistic fighting Zurg. (I do love Toy Story, but I didn’t like the Lightyear movie, but whatever.)
I said, “Holy freaking crap. This is freaking rad. Holy crap, thanks so much. I gotta put this son of a witch on my wall!”
I know it was that because Angela has repeated what I said to my brother about a dozen times and once to her friends.
My Brother is embarrassed, and I am too. He called me a jerk for not watching my mouth and embarrassing him. I do agree I should have watched what I said but I really did love the picture and it’s literally sitting in my living room right now.
He should at least take partial blame for being rude about his kid’s art.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! Just a super cool uncle whose buzzkill brother is probably a bit jealous of. You appreciated his daughter’s artwork, demonstrated your enthusiasm for her gift in a wonderfully colourful way and undoubtedly made her proud of herself.
It seems he struggles to connect with her so maybe that’s part of his response. But that is a him problem. He should be thrilled that you genuinely loved his daughter’s gift and valued her skills. He’s clearly lacking in emotional intelligence so I wouldn’t worry too much about it.
You probably made her life, let alone her day, by praising her so effusively. Awesome!” Present_Pension_6053
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, and honestly, she’s likely repeating the phrase because it was such an important moment to her (and might even be trying to express the same emotions when she didn’t have the words before).
Autistic artist here. Your response is the best thing ever, and I would have remembered it for my entire life. Thank you for showing SO much excitement for what’s the most important thing ever in her life.” AffectionateMarch394
Another User Comments:
“I just read another thread where the uncle kept laughing at the niece’s crochet gift… no “bad words” and yet so insulting and sad for the poor girl.
This is way better no matter the language. Such a genuine and awesome reaction, hahaha. I bet you made your niece’s day and she will remember this and feel more confident about her art every time she does. NTJ, Op, keep up being a great fun uncle.” Maximum-Day-6483
13. WIBTJ For Setting Up A Camera In The House Without My Husband's Knowledge?
“So some strange things have been happening.
My husband is complaining about me forgetting things, like loading the dishwasher and not switching it on, or leaving the stove or oven on after cooking, or not putting things back in the fridge.
Things I’m 95% sure I remembered to do.
I’ll switch on the boiler (AKA water heater for US readers) for a hot bath, and an hour later, it will be off. My husband says he didn’t touch it.
Then this morning, I came to brush my teeth, and my toothbrush already had toothpaste on it.
What the heck? Did I come earlier? Did I not brush my teeth last night? That’s just plain weird.
Now I might be in denial or have paranoia as an exciting extra, or I just read too much, but it occurs to me this could also be gaslighting in the old-fashioned sense.
I have no reason to suspect my husband of doing anything like that, but like affairs, that’s what everyone thinks, isn’t it?
So I would like to install a camera to reassure myself that it’s really me doing these things. Obviously, I can’t get permission from my husband without defeating the whole purpose, but I don’t want to damage my relationship in the (much more likely) case that all this has nothing to do with him.
WIBTJ for temporarily invading his privacy to make myself feel better?”
Another User Comments:
“If my other half was suddenly forgetting things like this, and I knew that I wasn’t actively trying to drive them crazy, I would definitely insist on seeing a doctor. I understand the people on the fence here, but from what OP says, she’s not doing this maliciously.
She’s not trying to spy on him necessarily. She’s trying to find out if she’s really forgetting these things or if he’s pulling some weird gaslighting stuff on her out of nowhere. I would think that she could have the cameras up for a week or 2 and figure it out pretty quickly.
Hide the cameras very well, and best of luck! NTJ.” AdditionalFondant304
Another User Comments:
“OP – do you have a carbon monoxide detector? If not, get one ASAP as confusion is a symptom – occasionally, people who believe they have a haunted house find that the haunting “goes away” after carbon monoxide issues are fixed. Plus, it can be fatal. I’ve seen the original 1944 movie Gaslight, and it’s a pretty damaging statement about your relationship if you suspect that’s what your husband is doing, and presumably, there are other red flags in your relationship.
If you don’t trust your husband, then cameras aren’t unreasonable, but secret recording is going to have relationship consequences regardless of the outcome.” Rowan6547
Another User Comments:
“Installing a camera is ethically dubious, but I totally get the inclination. Alternate suggestion: record yourself. When you turn the oven on or off, have your phone out, and record yourself doing it.
Same with the dishwasher, hot water, etc. All the common things you could think of him speaking up about you “forgetting.” Then you can go back and replay the video to assure yourself, and you avoid any of the potential ethical issues around non-consensual recording.
Definitely take this seriously, though. NTJ.” nexted
Another User Comments:
“This is hard. YTJ if that is the first thing you do. I suggest seeing a doctor first. If you really think your husband gaslighting you is more likely than a medical issue to the point that you won’t even see a doctor, your marriage is probably doomed regardless of what you do.
I had weird memory issues that gradually got worse and it turned out to be small seizures. It doesn’t hurt to get checked out. Do you have a close friend or relative you can confide in? It could help to have someone else let you know if you seem to be more forgetful now or if they think your husband is acting sketchy.” rosered936
Another User Comments:
“A technical YTJ because not telling him is a bad idea (but I don’t think it would make you a jerk). If he’s screwing with you, the weirdness will stop when the camera is on, and you’ll know it’s him. If he’s not, and he finds out, he’ll be deeply angry and hurt.
If there’s another cause (you’re being forgetful, he’s being forgetful, etc., etc.), you’ll be able to catch it. Do the carbon monoxide thing FIRST. I’d also ask if you’ve started/stopped any medications lately, have a family or personal history of sleep disorders, and make sure you’ve had a regular checkup done, with b***dwork, if this forgetfulness is new.
(Low b***d sugar can really mess with your brain, but it’s an easy fix!)” Lily_May
12. AITJ For Not Displaying The Cake My Mother-In-Law Made At My Daughter's Birthday Party?
“My (23F) MIL (67F) is the nicest person in the world, and I love her, but sometimes she doesn’t understand that she is a grandmother and not the mother of her grandchildren.
For example, my daughter (3F) chose a cake for her birthday, and my husband (37M) and I bought it for her, and my MIL knew, but she still showed up a few minutes before the party started with another cake. It was much bigger and beautiful, but it was not what my daughter wanted, and you know at that age; they get obsessed with one thing and use it on everything, cake, clothes, toys, EVERYTHING.
The point is that the table was decorated with the cake and cupcakes of the characters that she likes, so I couldn’t throw away the cake that my daughter wanted so much to put my MIL’s on. And she says that hurt her because she thinks it was possible to put hers on the side at least. I told her no because that could have ruined the theme of the party, and she got angry because she says that my daughter doesn’t understand that and that I only decided not to use it because it looked horrible to me and that’s not true.
I think it was a beautiful cake but it did not go with the theme of the party. So I didn’t use it as the main cake, but we cut it up and shared it anyway, but that wasn’t enough for her because now she’s mad at me.
I probably would have apologized for hurting her if she was a normal grandmother, but she’s not; she thinks she’s the mother. It is not the first time that she wants to do something for my children (4M, 3F, 1F) when I already did it so I’m tired. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She overstepped her boundaries. This was a party for your daughter, and you are 100% correct that a 3-year-old can focus on the smallest details. The style of the cake might not be important to an adult, but 3-year-olds have a much smaller view of the world.
You made the right decision and I would have done the same thing. If your MIL really wanted to bake a cake for her granddaughter, she could have invited you all over for a smaller family gathering.” PJfanRI
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s seriously overstepping to show up to a birthday party with a cake, especially when you knew full well that a cake was already there.
It would be like showing up to Thanksgiving at her house with an extra Turkey. If she has such a strong desire to contribute to the menu then she could discuss that with you both well before the party, and I’m sure you can come up with a mutually agreed upon dish that she could bring.” R00n1lWazl1b
Another User Comments:
“ESH. I wouldn’t worry about party themes. A 3-year-old just likes a lot of cake and attention. They only make a huge deal out of things when you make a huge deal. So, placing the cake to the side and allowing her to have 2 pieces would have been fine.
But. Your husband is a predator. And your MIL is either treating you like a child because you are OR knows her son is a predator and trying to protect you. Either way, you all need to get introspective and figure out what is going on.” LogicalVariation741
Another User Comments:
“I share the concerns voiced by others regarding the grooming. It seems to me that you were trapped by the combination of having kids so young and being with someone so much older. That being said, you’re NTJ where the cake is concerned. My MIL pulled that crap on me when my older son was turning 4.
I spent hours making a Bob the Builder-themed cake because that’s what my son wanted. I had Bob the Builder decorations, the cake was on display, it all looked lovely. My MIL showed up after all of the other guests had arrived, loudly announced that she had bought a “real” birthday cake for her grandson, and tried to remove my cake, so she could put hers there instead.
I was caught between being livid and not wanting to cause a scene in front of everyone. My husband took MIL’s cake, put it in the kitchen, and said we would use it if we ran out of the other one. MIL didn’t talk to either of us for days.” My_genx_life
11. AITJ For Reminding My Brother That Words Have Consequences?
“My brother is a widower twice over, with kids from both marriages. His first wife died when their children were 8 and 7 and his second wife died over a year ago and those kids are now late teens to early 20s. My brother remarried within a year the first time.
His kids had a hard time with that and he told them that remarrying was a sign that he loved their mom so much, that he wanted to have that again, and that she taught him how. This second time, he has declared he will not see anyone else or remarry again because he found his soulmate and cannot imagine life with another woman.
As you can imagine, his older two kids were not happy to hear that. They called him out on what he was saying, and he told them they needed to understand. They told him they knew he was a liar and that his whole thing about loving their mom so much was bullcrap.
His kids from the second marriage were mad that their siblings wanted him to remarry and weren’t happy that their mom was the more important wife. Now his older kids aren’t talking to him, the younger kids don’t want to talk to the older ones and he’s acting like he has no idea how his words could be causing this.
He confided in me, his younger sister, and I reminded him of a time years ago when our dad talked about our brother (the firstborn in our family) as the kid he enjoyed the most. My brother never got over it and said nothing Dad could say or explain would change that.
Dad died and the two had not reconciled. I told him he needed to understand that words have consequences like actions do and telling everyone that his second wife was so special to him that he does not want to find another because she was his soulmate, is going to hurt the kids from his first wife since he moved on into a second marriage so fast after her and even told his kids no slowing down and to see it as him loving their mom.
He told me it shouldn’t bother them as adults. I told him they loved their mom and wanted to believe she wasn’t less important to his second wife. He told me I was making it seem like being honest about his marriage to his wife was the same as our dad choosing a favorite kid and how I’m a jerk for that.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Just as a heads-up for anyone who might not know — the speech/action dichotomy is fictional. There aren’t “actions” and “speech” and never the twain shall meet. Speech is an action. And so naturally there are consequences for speech.
There is a distinction between saying something and doing the thing you’re speaking about — but both are actions. Your brother said what he said out loud to the world and the people there took it to heart and are reacting to it. What more is there to say?
You reap what you sow. The only thing you did was explain using his own life story why his belief that people must take his words with the placid grace of a monk is bullcrap and obviously wrong. All you did was hold a mirror up to his hypocrisy.” Mantisfactory
Another User Comments:
“Anyone else doing the math and realizing that when the first wife died, the kids were 7 and 8, still young children who needed a ride to and from school, help with homework, someone to take them to dentist appointments, stay home with them if they got sick… but when the second wife died, the kids were all adults in their 20s, who didn’t need a parent to look after them daily and cook for them and wash their clothes and so on?
He didn’t miss the “great love” of Wife #1, he missed the free labor of a mom.” Gold_Principle_2691
Another User Comments:
“Yes, there is absolutely no similarity between having a favorite kid and declaring a favorite. NTJ. I’m just being honest, the defense of brutal jerks everywhere.
“He told me it shouldn’t bother them as adults.” But what bothered them is what happened when they were children, when he showed them that their mother wasn’t his life and was remarried within a year, while they were still grieving. My wife left me 4 months ago, I am only just thinking that MAYBE at some time in the future, there might be someone else, definitely not considering seeing other people yet.
Getting to the point of marriage within a year is incomprehensible” [deleted]
10. AITJ For Charging My Friends Rent And A Cleaning Fee?
These “friends” are absolute mooches.
“I own a holiday apartment in Italy that I rent out.
My friends asked me if they could stay there, and I charged them 70% of the normal rate.
They left the apartment…less than clean, to the point where the maid (who told me about this) had to take the sheets to a local laundry. They denied leaving the apartment like that.
This can’t be true, however. It was clean before the stay, and nobody had been there till the maid told me about its state.
I told them that that would be $160 for the extra work and that that’s me being generous with them (normally it would be $270 for that amount of work/time + the cleaning cost, etc.)
They were less than happy, and they even told me I was a jerk for charging them rent to begin with. “You don’t charge friends.” I told them to pay the cleaning fee and get bent.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“You’re NTJ. “Friends.” I don’t know these people, but it sounds like they’re just taking advantage.
I’m not sure if they think you’re so rich you won’t care, or if they’re so rich they just don’t consider things like that. But nobody with any respect or dignity would leave a place in a state like that – or, if they did, they would own up to it and deal with it.
The whole “you don’t charge friends” sounds like they just want to take advantage. Real friends don’t do things like this, in my opinion.” jfartster
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. “You don’t charge friends”? How about “You don’t take from friends, and don’t do things that cost them more”?
They were obviously bitter about you for charging even a minimum rate, so they definitely left the mess intentionally. Your friends suck. Once you get the money for the cleanup, find some new ones.” JsCTmav
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I also have a vacation property that we rent.
If a friend wants it, we do it at a discount but still have a contract in place. Contracts protect everyone involved. Plus, there is always a cleaning fee because the next tenant wants a clean stay.” [deleted]
9. AITJ For Nagging At My Husband For Not Helping With The Dishes?
“So my (f24) husband (m22) and I have been married officially and living together 3 months now. It’s been great, but one major issue we keep having is the dishes. Now I don’t want to play the sympathy card, but recently, I’ve been working 55-hour weeks while he’s only working 35 to 40.
I know it doesn’t seem like much, but most nights, I come home exhausted or sick from something I picked up at work to make dinner and run the budget things like that, and when I come home, he is playing guitar, video games, or watching TV.
When we first moved in together, we had an agreement that if I cook, he’ll do the dishes, but recently, it’s been all on me to cook, to do the dishes, to clean the entire kitchen while he does the bare minimum. Yes, he can organize things and take out bins once or twice a week, but it is still not enough.
I brought it up recently that I’m feeling overwhelmed, and he told me that me asking him to do the dishes every day annoys him since his mom used to volunteer him to do dishes when he lived with her and nagged him for hours on end until it was done.
She also cut off his bedroom electricity if he didn’t do the dishes. He said he feels he chips in more than enough.
I told him he’s a grown man with his own house, and if he’s not willing to share chores, then I’ll stop doing my part, and he’ll see how much I actually do compared to him.
So I’ve stopped doing the dishes. 3 days in and the sink is full and the kitchen stinks. Apparently, it makes me the jerk according to him and our friends, but I feel like I need to stand my ground.
Am I the problem?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. His attitude sucks – no one blames him for not liking to do the dishes, but why should he think that falls on you? He’s failing at being an adult or a partner here. One of the oddest things my partner and I started doing (without planning to) is arguing over who gets to do the dishes.
It’s pretty obviously playful on both our parts, but we each try and sneak over to get to them first, or argue that the other cooked, or say “You got to do it last night!” I have to admit, I still kind of hate doing the dishes, but I really like playing the game (and winning most of the time!).
Only problem is the kids started getting in on the action…” JsCTmav
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, very common problem it seems. I’ve heard lots about grown-up guys who don’t wanna do their part of chores or can’t bring themselves to do them even if they wanted to because they had a bad experience with their moms. I hope your husband will understand he can’t leech off you forever.
Stop doing him any favors, and if he is mature enough, he will apologize and start doing chores.” happyskrimp
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Let’s get this out of the way right now.
You are not the jerk. You should be supported by your spouse.
When he agreed to a thing, it was 100% reasonable for you to expect that from him. (Your request was perfectly reasonable in the first place.) If he found he had a problem with that, he needed to come talk to you.
That said, your (plural) approach is unproductive to continuing a marriage.
Instead of working collaboratively to find a way forward that functions, you both just (metaphorically) plopped down on the ground and stuck out your tongue at each other.
He may well have trauma from his mother’s treatment of him that makes this hard – doesn’t mean he shouldn’t do it or talk to you about it – but he may need to find therapy, find an interim compromise, or find his own way past that.
You just saying “tough crap” invalidates the crap going on in his brain.
This is a time to sit down and say “look, you and I both being able to do any chore in this house is a necessary end goal. How do we get from here, to there?” For now, he could be the one to cook and you clean up the dishes.
Or you find recipes that minimize the use of dishes significantly. Or you get a dishwasher if you don’t have one. Or you do both cooking and cleanup together, with music or a show on. Or you hire someone to come in every day to do the dishes.
Or some other creative solution.
You are absolutely right to expect his help. But you guys are doing nothing but building resentment at each other and practicing poor teamwork skills.
I hope he will work with you, OP. You deserve a partner.” FishScrumptious
8. AITJ For Not Helping My Partner When She Fell And Sprained Her Ankle?
“My (Fred, 34, male) partner, we will call her Maranda (33, female), in my opinion, overreacts to pain. She stubs her toe a lot and is always saying how it hurts.
She doesn’t ask for help when it happens; it just annoys me because she’s clumsy and could just watch where she’s going.
Anyway, we were outside one night, and I have this makeshift step that is pretty flimsy. It’s a piece of firewood that’s there until I can get something better.
Maranda used it, and it rolled, and it caused her to sprain her ankle. She fell to the ground and said it really hurt, and it looked like she was about to cry. I told her she would be fine, and even when she crawled past me to get inside, I did not help because I felt like she was over-exaggerating the pain.
Well, the next day, I really looked at it, and I do admit it’s bad. She can’t put any pressure on it. She told me it was really mean that I didn’t believe her or help her at the moment, and she left to go to her parents’ house and hasn’t been back since, saying she needs time to think.
Now her parents are mad at me, and our friends also think I’m the jerk, but I just don’t see it that way. My sister told me to post on here to see what others would say. So, AITJ?
I might be the jerk because I didn’t help her when she fell, but keep in mind, she overreacts to pain, so in the moment, I really didn’t think she needed my help.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – Just do her a favor and break up with her. You’re a 34-year-old man who didn’t help their significant other up off the ground when they were hurt. Don’t assume to know someone else’s pain threshold. Just because you can take pain or deal with it more than others doesn’t mean other people should have the same tolerance.
Not only this, you’ve admittedly left a potential hazard for anyone to step on and injure themselves, not until you can manage something better, but until you’re not lazy enough to fix it. So now you’re moving blame from yourself onto your poor girl and making her out to be the problem.
The appropriate feeling to have here is guilt, not resentment. Her parents and your friends are correct: you are the jerk. This isn’t something you do to people you love. I pray to whatever high power there is that she doesn’t have kids with you.
You’d be a miserable father figure.
Do any of these sound like you OP? “She dropped her plate of food. I was so annoyed with her, so I didn’t help her clean it. She should be more careful.” “She should have watched where her head was when standing up.
That’s why she hit her head, idiot.” “The only reason she sprained her ankle is because she’s clumsy. I can’t be blamed for this.”
That crap above is not normal thinking or behavior. It sounds like you hate your partner and actively hope these things harm her as if to provide some kind of cosmic justice for her lack of spatial awareness.
You should actively do things to help prevent accidents. If my wife kneeled under a counter, I would gently guide her up or put my hand under the counter just in case she hit herself. It’s an accident, not a punishment for forgetting where you are.
You would want to be helped or forgiven if you messed up because you did not intend for it to happen.” migzors
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your minimizing her pain is not only callous and showing a serious lack of empathy in your invalidation of her; it’s also potentially very dangerous.
I gotta story for you: Last fall, I got sick, was increasingly fatigued, felt weighed down, lost my appetite to where I couldn’t eat my favorite pizza. Then I had excruciating stomach pain that kept both of us up all night because I was moaning uncontrollably.
Although comforting at first, his sleep-deprived brain thought I would get past it as I’d always done, as I relied on my own medical care for years.
Yeah, well, the pain got so great that when my bestie with impeccable timing showed up, I desperately asked if she’d take me to the hospital, so she did.
It was the last possible second for me before realizing it was out of my hands. The intake technician did my vitals 3x because they were volatile, and the ER nurse brought me pain meds, actually avoiding my gaze and appearing to be upset. My husband got to my bedside right before the doctors came back to tell me about my CT scan results, and you know what it was?
Perforated appendicitis. They were not confident that I would make it, but the pain meds numbed all physical and emotional pain – they told me it was too dangerous for surgery and that I could die, and I did not care.
Anyway, I was hospitalized for a week and a half and forced to live with JP drains for two months before they thought surgery was even an option, with a weekly at-home nurse to check on me.
I found out later that had I not gone in when I did, I probably had about two hours left to live. October 6, 1989 – September 9, 2022. I had to be the strong one at times I wanted reassurance, but I survived one of the most horrendous experiences a person can go through.
You can’t prevent appendicitis. You can’t predict it. You can’t treat it at home. You probably won’t even recognize it if it decides to pay you a visit. By the time you run to the hospital, it might be too late.
My husband was absolutely wracked with guilt.
He has not only apologized profusely but his remorse and re-evaluation of how he views and does things are evident through his actions. He tells me he loves me every day, and I know he means it. His resulting overprotection was overbearing at times, but it was approved by my doctor and my mother, so I had to shut up and deal with it.
He was genuinely scared out of his mind after he almost lost me and has turned it around, big time.
I hope this never happens to you, OP. You need to figure out the root of your contempt for her before it destroys everything you have.
Life is fragile. If you don’t start appreciating her, either something catastrophic will happen, or she will get tired of it and find somebody else who will. P.S. I’m a natural klutz myself, and can’t see the big E on doctor’s charts without corrective lenses.
Astigmatism throws off my depth perception. Maybe she is clumsy because she can’t see, which is through no fault of her own.” Ok-Love-6269
Another User Comments:
“So, I’m a nurse who works in burns. People respond to pain differently. You cannot judge another’s pain. Yeah, some people ham it up, but it’s not for me to decide, “Oh, they are over the top.
It must all be fake!” Nope, I’m getting them their pain meds. On another note, some of us are just super clumsy, and stubbing your toe does hurt. I’ve nearly lost a toenail a few times. YTJ. Also, this post smacks of misogyny, “Real men don’t show pain!
Women are soft!” Lemme tell ya, women hold their pain soooo much better than men. Men are the ones who put on the performances as though they need to convince you of their pain, which again, they don’t, and that it’s the worst pain anyone in the history of the world has ever experienced!
Women just sit there and apologize for putting you out, and you can see them physically holding it in.” bitofapuzzler
7. AITJ For Telling My Sister She's Privileged For Not Being A Single Mom?
Another take on this could be that a mother or father isn’t privileged for having a spouse, but rather, that a mother or father without a spouse is underprivileged. Raising kids on your own is HARD, but even in a two-parent home, the situation is still difficult.
“My sister has 3 kids (7f, 5m, 1m), fairly recently the youngest (1m) was hospitalized in the pediatric ICU for 3 weeks for a respiratory infection. My sister or brother-in-law never left his side and traded off shifts at the hospital while caring for their other kids at home.
My sister spent the majority of her time at the hospital (like 2-3 days straight at a time.)
Now this is the part where I may be the jerk – we were having a family dinner a week or so after the baby came home, and my sister was tearing up talking about the experience and how she couldn’t imagine leaving her child alone in that hospital. I thought that she should know how lucky she was to be able to stay or trade off with her husband so I told her that not everyone has that privilege like a single mom with other kids or working parents.
She got quietly angry, looked at me, and said she didn’t feel so privileged when she had to start CPR on her own child (she works where CPR is mandatory) and left without saying anything else.
A few days later I asked her for some of her old baby stuff but she told me she planned on selling them or giving them away to someone else.
I get the feeling she is still angry at me. My mom agrees that I wasn’t the jerk at the table, but my sister is sooo angry. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Yeah YTJ. Have you EVER done CPR on a family member? I have.
It was my mother. And it was hands down the single most traumatizing event of my life. And I’m 100% positive that if I ever had to do that on my child I would have a full-on PTSD mental breakdown after the crisis had passed regardless of the outcome.
It is accurate that your sister and husband have enough privilege to be able to stay by their baby’s side. However, 1- that should be a basic human right, and 2- you rubbed that event in their face while they are still traumatized. I’m surprised she didn’t go no-contact.
You, OP, are missing a sensitivity chip.” ChakraMama318
Another User Comments:
“INFO. When your sister said she couldn’t imagine leaving her baby alone at the hospital, was it in the context of judging another parent who did? Like, I can’t imagine how SOME PEOPLE just LEAVE their BABIES ALONE in the HOSPITAL?
Or just, I’m so glad we were able to stay with our baby; I can’t imagine what it would have been like if we’d had to leave him there! I asked this because that is the only reason I could come up with for OP even thinking what she said could have been justified. Even if the sister was being judgmental, at best my vote would have gone ESH.
But if that were the case, I think OP probably would have mentioned it in the post and even more probably would have added it or replied to explain herself, and given that she’s a jerk either way, I’m gonna go ahead and say YTJ.
OP, even if you thought your comment was somehow helpful, once you saw how upset your sister was, if you cared about her and were NOT a jerk, you would just apologize to her directly without asking the internet to judge the situation first. Like if you got NTJ, were you going to show it to your sister and say, see, the internet agrees with me, so now give me your baby stuff?
What is the point of this post? You said something that hurt and offended your sister. If you meant to do that, you know you’re a jerk; if you didn’t, say you’re sorry.” BexclamationPoint
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Such a jerk. Have you ever heard of empathy or compassion?
Telling someone who has been through something horrible, “It could have been worse” is just so callous. Why didn’t you just say, “It’s not like he died. Quit being so dramatic. Mom, did I tell you about the new guy at work?” What your sister just went through constitutes serious trauma, and it’s baffling to me that either you or your mother think that being anything other than KIND is fairly horrifying.
You owe your sister an apology for acting like watching her son nearly die should really just be your platform to preach about privilege —Because it’s really, really important that you point out the obvious to her. Do you think she didn’t consider her great good fortune for being able to be there with him at any time during the three weeks at the hospital?
Why do you think you have more information than she does? Just. Ugh.” pineboxwaiting
6. AITJ For Refusing To Make Pancakes For My Niece?
“I woke up at 5 am craving pancakes while on vacation with my in-laws, so I decided to quickly make myself and my son some since we were the only ones awake beside my husband who doesn’t eat pancakes. My sister-in-law’s daughter came downstairs just as my son was finishing up and started crying because there were no more pancakes for her.
I did try to comfort her but I have really bad morning sickness after I eat, and I was starting to feel sick so I had to take her to her parents who were still sleeping.
Long story short, my sister-in-law was upset I only made pancakes for myself and my son when there were others in the house who also needed to eat breakfast. She said I was selfish and I should’ve known my niece would’ve wanted some too so I could’ve made extra just in case.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Screw all these commenters imposing new information onto the situation. “You knew the others would want pancakes,” “Who only makes pancakes for themselves?” Bro, the information OP had at the time was “my family is awake” and “my family is hungry,” so she fed them.
How do you know the others aren’t on a keto diet? How do you know they aren’t celiac? How do you know the others don’t already have breakfast plans that pancakes beforehand would ruin? You freaking don’t and neither did OP, so she worked with the information she had.
My god, some of these comments are dripping with so much righteousness that people are slipping over themselves to add enough new details to justify calling OP a jerk. Y’all should be ashamed of yourselves.” LatherHead
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – Short answer yes. You didn’t have morning sickness while making the batter.
You could have made enough for everyone, and only thinking of yourself is selfish. Being a mother, if your child woke up early and went downstairs only to be told too bad I didn’t make any for you and sent your child back to you with no breakfast, you would be mad too, especially when traveling and on vacation with family.
That was just straight-up rude.” reasonableopinon
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You were up at 5 am, and the rest of the house was sleeping. You aren’t a short-order cook for everyone else vacationing in the house. They want pancakes, they can make them. As a parent with 2 kids, when we go on vacations with other families, it is known that you are responsible for your own child.
I would never expect everyone to cook & feed my kids because I’m too busy sleeping in. Do we pitch in when we can? Yes we do, but we also don’t want to do someone else’s parenting. Plus, you had morning sickness after eating.
I’m sure you would have made pancakes if you didn’t feel like you were going to puke your guts out. For people who haven’t had morning sickness, take the worst hangover you’ve had and multiply it by 10. For months, every single day.
Now think about cooking while trying not to vomit.” Downtown-Influence27
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – I totally get that you and your son were the only ones awake, but you are spending holidays with another family with a child. It’s also reasonable to only make the pancakes for those who are awake at the time.
What I don’t quite understand is why you wouldn’t make batter for 4 people. It doesn’t take noticeably more time to make pancake batter for 4/5 people than for 2 people. It’s the same as baking a cake for 2 people instead of for the group, and then wondering why the group isn’t stoked about it.
You’ve infested their nostrils with the delicious smell of pancakes and served them disappointment for breakfast.” miamiscubi
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Posts like this are really confusing and almost sad to me. We’d travel to meet relatives at least once or twice a year as a kid because we lived away from everyone whether it was another state or another country.
Never would an aunt or uncle act to feed their kids and not include me. It was just unthinkable. My parents would look out for my cousins like they were their own, just like others would look out for me and my siblings. Even those who lived out of the country and therefore hadn’t met me until I was 5 and knew they wouldn’t see me again for years.
It’s hard to understand a lot of the posts on this site where apparently no one thinks they should have to do anything for anyone or anything they don’t feel thrilled to do. Worse still, why wouldn’t you want to make food for a niece?
I love my sister’s kids. The idea of saying “not my problem” is just bizarre to me.” SnooPets8873
5. AITJ For Making My Teen Miss Her Therapy Appointment To Clean Her Closet?
“My daughter’s (17f) closet is an absolute pigsty. You can’t even see the floor it’s nearly knee-deep in stuff. I have been after her for WEEKS to clean it up, and she keeps saying “I’ll do it later.”
I had ENOUGH and told her she could not go out with friends or her partner until her closet is clean.
Unfortunately, that week, she had work and prior commitments at school so only had one free afternoon where she was going to see her therapist (she is in therapy for depression and anxiety).
She also was going to go with her partner’s family on a day trip that following weekend. I figured missing that would finally get through to her to get it done after several weeks of constantly putting it off.
Instead, she canceled her therapy appointment (as it was her only free afternoon) because she didn’t want to miss going with her partner this weekend.
Her therapist said I was wrong to do this because she needs her therapy, and this was a “dumb hill to die on.” I told her she’s been putting this off for weeks and won’t listen, and I don’t know how else to get through to her.
I refuse to live like slobs!”
Another User Comments:
“I might get downvoted to heck for this, but frankly, NTJ. She chose to cancel her therapy appointment over missing time with her partner over the weekend; let me repeat myself, she chose to cancel her therapy appointment over missing a weekend with her partner to clean her closet.
She could’ve still attended therapy, but instead, she chose to cancel her therapy appointment. OP did not tell her to cancel her therapy appointment over the dirty closet; OP told her daughter that she couldn’t go out with friends or her partner until the closet is cleaned, which as a teenager myself IS COMPLETELY REASONABLE if the closet is messy like OP states it is.
It shouldn’t be a whole day affair—if her daughter put her mind to it and simply cleaned her closet, it would probably be done in an hour, maybe three. Daughter made her choice but is blaming her mother.” othersatan
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I feel like everyone is missing the crucial part that you didn’t make her skip therapy to clean her room. You gave her a very reasonable deadline to clean her room (a full week, after asking her for weeks) and a reasonable consequence for not meeting that deadline (not seeing her friends/partner).
Therapy is like 2 hours max. She could have spent 30 minutes a day cleaning, but she didn’t manage her time well, and then she made the choice to cancel therapy, so she’d be able to clean her room in time. Her choosing her friends over therapy is not your fault.” NArcadia11
Another User Comments:
“Yep, YTJ. That therapy appointment may be the only thing keeping your kid together right now, and you act like it’s a hobby. Gross, OP. I suggest you reschedule for her and schedule something for yourself – maybe learn some coping skills… At least do some research into WHY depressed folks struggle with hygiene before you go off on an already very fragile human.” EvolvingWren
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. How does your daughter’s closet affect you? I don’t understand why having a mess behind a closed door would upset you so badly, especially because at this age you should not be spending much time in her bedroom. You tried to cut your daughter off from her emotional and social support systems because -her- closet bothered -you.- This did not teach your daughter to clean her closet; it taught her that you are willing to force her away from her friends, partner, and therapist if she upsets you… which is exactly the kind of thing she will need even more therapy for later on.
You’re also teaching her that if someone is mad at her, they’re allowed to isolate her. If the messy closet is really so truly, deeply upsetting to you… the natural, sensible consequence of not organizing her space is that she won’t be able to find things she needs when she needs them.
That’s how learning works. She will not learn through punishment; she’ll learn when she wants a specific shirt for a specific event and can’t find it.” Sipazianna
4. AITJ For Telling My Brother-In-Law That I'd Inherit The Family Home If My Husband Died?
“My husband was in an accident while he was visiting his family. My in-laws weren’t planning to tell me because we’ve been having issues for over a year that they know about but he kept asking for me so they finally did.
He had already been discharged from the hospital by the time I got there so he was recovering at their family home.
I went straight there as soon as my flight landed but my brother-in-law was refusing to let me in to see him. He told me to wait outside until my husband woke up and if he still wanted to see me then he would let me in.
He was also implying the accident was my fault. I was tired and irritated so I told him that if my husband died, I would inherit their family home and then I’d be the one keeping him outside. He took it to mean I was disappointed my husband hadn’t died which couldn’t be further from the truth.
I eventually left and got a hotel because he got so angry that he was scaring me and continuing to argue with him would’ve been pointless.
He told everybody what I said so when I next went to see my husband things were awkward between me and his family.
No matter how many times I’ve tried to explain I never meant it the way my brother-in-law took it, it hasn’t made a difference. The only person who didn’t take my brother-in-law at his word is my husband, who has been making a joke out of it.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Your husband’s family wasn’t going to tell you that your husband was injured in an accident (and I’m guessing it was fairly bad since he was actually admitted to the hospital)? What is that? And then when you arrived, your BIL was refusing to let you see him, even though he was asking for you?
Maybe talking about inheriting the house wasn’t the best thing to say, but it’s understandable that you lashed out in response to an extremely frustrating situation. NTJ. Your BIL seriously overstepped when he was blocking you from reaching your injured husband. He had no right to do that.” prairiemountainzen
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, as long as your husband is okay with it. Your in-laws, especially your BIL, deserve anything you choose to throw at them for keeping you from your husband. But stop explaining yourself; they don’t care, they won’t listen, and will mine every word you say for ammunition.” WokeJabber
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, and are you even correct? In the event of your husband’s death, I’m assuming his parents would not have included you in their will over their other son. Especially if you and their son are having marital issues to the point where they didn’t even want to tell you he was in an accident.” Nervous-Werewolf-847
Another User Comments:
“I must reserve judgment because Op is being suspiciously curt with her answers that people are asking in order to give judgment. Everyone wants to know what caused this tension between her and the family to begin with to help understand why they are so guarded around her and her only response has been that she wasn’t estranged from her husband.
Then what was the reason they say that they don’t want you around so badly? Why does it seem like you don’t want to say what happened between you and his family? It just looks like you’re trying to avoid telling us something about what caused this tension in the first place.
Which makes me think that you might have been the one to damage the trust initially.” Yetis-unicorn
3. AITJ For Lying To My Mom About Our Baby's Name Just To Shut Her Up?
“My husband and I had a baby last week. We announced to our close family and friends that we were pregnant at 11 weeks along. We said that we would be waiting to share until I was further along.
My mother ignored us and posted our pregnancy news on her social media immediately. We got congratulations messages from dozens of people. When we learned that she shared it, we told her to delete it as it was not her news to share. She argued, saying things like, “I’m the grandma; it’s absolutely my news to share,” “You cannot tell me what I can and cannot post online,” and so on.
She finally took down her post after we begged and begged her.
Skip to 20 weeks along. We got asked what his name was going to be. When we said we weren’t going to share, no one complained, except my mom. She constantly asked and would try to trip us up.
After three weeks of her asking 3-4 times a day what “her” baby’s name is, I decided to tell her that the baby’s name is “John.” That’s not true, but I wanted her to stop asking what his name was going to be. I then told her that she must keep it fully confidential and that NO ONE else could know his name until he was born.
I figured that she would leave it be and not tell anyone.
That was a mistake. My mom, aunts, and cousins threw us a baby shower. Everything seemed normal, except for a few people whispering and pointing at the gifts. I didn’t think anything of it until I began opening the gifts.
The first gifts were gifts from our registry. Then, I got a gift from my cousin, a set of monogrammed blankets and pillows. I was confused as we hadn’t said what the baby’s name/initials were. I then opened my aunt’s gift, which was a decorative frame with the name “John.” I got upset, and my mom grinned. My mom then stood up, shushed the room, and said, “I know OP wasn’t going to share it until after, but the baby’s name is John!” It was awkward.
Everyone looked confused. Those who my mom had already told stood around looking smug. I got up and whispered to her that we were not going to name the baby John. I had told her that so she would stop pressuring me to share the name.
My mom’s face got red, and she mumbled something and left, along with many of my aunts and cousins on her side. The party was pretty much ruined after this, so I returned the personalized gifts and went home.
I received calls from my mom’s side saying that it was awful to embarrass my mom.
My husband said she wouldn’t have been embarrassed if she had kept the name private.
Our baby came a few days after his due date. All of this drama has caused a lot of stress with my mom and family on her side. My husband, dad, and in-laws are incredibly supportive and have been gushing over our baby.
My mom and her side have been saying rude things about us to the rest of the family.
AITJ for telling my mom the wrong name and embarrassing her in front of her family? Was it wrong to hide the real name?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. No name is set in stone until the baby is born anyway. Loads of pregnant couples throw names around and end up going with a completely different name when the time comes. Also, it seems your mother is an attention seeker. Making everything about her, even standing up at your baby shower and announcing the name for you.
Is she going to demand to be the first one in the room after you give birth? Be the first person to feed your child? Give your child a bath and post the pictures without your permission? Your mother needs to be given a stern talking to and if she continues to think she has the right to violate your privacy then distancing is needed.
EDIT: I just noticed you already had your child, but the sentiment remains the same. If you don’t sort this behavior, she will steal a lot of firsts from you and your child.” Blyxons
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but you’re being far too soft on your mom.
She’s repeatedly broken your trust, has done really important things that are the parents’ prerogative and does not regret anything. She will do it again. And again. And again. She’ll take your child for the first haircut even when you’ve asked her not to, and then she’ll post the pictures all over social media so that you find out about it at the same time all her friends do.
She’ll invite all of her friends to your kid’s first birthday party and make sure everything is focused on Grandma. Your kid will be all over her social media, and no matter how many times she says she won’t do it again, she absolutely will, and you will have no control at all over which random online strangers can see pictures of your child.
She’s made it clear she doesn’t respect you as parents and thinks she is the most important person in this family. She is absolutely trying to put you and your husband in the back seat. Are you just going to let it happen?
This name debacle was an excellent lesson in “actions have consequences.” If she had kept her word, if she hadn’t broken your trust, if she didn’t think the rules didn’t apply to her, no one would’ve been embarrassed. You should be proud of that, and you should be thinking about ways to make sure there are consequences for the next half-dozen times she steamrolls over your boundaries because she absolutely WILL.
You owe it to your child and to your husband to set boundaries with your mother and to enforce them. Telling her “Don’t do this” obviously means nothing, so tell her “Don’t do this, and if you do it, this happens.” She posts without permission?
Fine. No more pictures for her, her phone gets confiscated at the door if she comes over. Does something with your kid you didn’t want? Great. No more unsupervised time with the kid. You need to give her consequences, and they need to matter. If you don’t do this, she will steamroll over every boundary you set, and you’ll need to explain to your husband why you aren’t standing up for your family.
Your mom is 100% the jerk here, and she’s going to continue to be until you polish up your spine and put your foot down.” FeuerroteZora
Another User Comments:
“ESH – OP- DON’T LIE. It saves from this happening. But if you are going to lie, then make it outrageous, so she won’t believe it or even tell anyone else.
Using the name Lucifer as a placeholder name tends to solve this problem by the way. MOM – wrong on so many levels. I am surprised you still have a relationship with her!” Background-Pea6650
2. AITJ For Telling My Sister That Her Rehomed Dog Is In A Better Place?
I don’t think he has a way with words.
“I 28M have a sister 30F who is in the National Guard, and 2 months ago, she came up to me to ask if I could watch her dog over a deployment that would last about a year.
She originally wasn’t going on it, but some of her unit got in a car accident that resulted in 2 dying and the other being medically discharged, so she now has to go. Now for the asking, I could have theoretically taken her dog and helped her out, I have a dog, and I know it would’ve taken some work to get them into a pack kind of situation, but quite frankly, I didn’t want to.
I have the time, but I just didn’t, and that should be a valid reason all on its own. So my sister rehomed her dog and told my family about it. Nobody is really mad at me, but they say overall it’s just not a great situation.
So it’s been about a month, and my sister is now deployed and was talking about it in our family chat but still upset over it. I tried to tell her it’s ok and that her pup is in a better place and well be taken care of by her new people.
She got quiet, and the family chat moved on. My dad kinda did a yikes face, and after we concluded, he told me that what I said wasn’t ok. It wasn’t fair for me to do that because it’s not my fault for not wanting another dog temporarily, but family helps family, and realistically, I had no place to say what I did.
He said I’m not allowed to speak about pet ownership in the chat and called me a jerk. My mate told me to post on here because I’m unsure what I did wrong, and he wants to “show me what reasonable people think,” so AITJ for telling my sister her dog is in a better place?”
Another User Comments:
“Of course YTJ. Jesus freaking Christ, I’m autistic – I literally have a diagnosis of “struggles to understand social norms” – and even I would never contemplate saying something so casually cruel or thoughtlessly hurtful. Your sister didn’t rehome her dog because she was a BAD pet parent or because her home wasn’t a safe, loving, or supportive place for her pet.
She rehomed a deeply loved pet because she literally had no reasonable alternatives, and it was the only loving thing to do for this creature that she cared so deeply about – to find it a good new home herself rather than surrender it to a shelter where she couldn’t be sure of its long-term prospects.
And worst of all, she had to do so whilst grieving the deaths of two fellow Guardsmen, and possibly the serious illness/injury of another.
I cannot imagine the stress she is under. And you looked at her under these circumstances and thought that the KIND and SUPPORTIVE thing to do or say was to suggest, not that she had done the best she could in impossible circumstances but that her beloved canine family member was actually better off without her, in someone else’s home?!
Just… wow. Of course YTJ. And you owe her a huge apology.” FoolMe1nceShameOnU
Another User Comments:
“So, you’re unsure what you did wrong. Flip the script. You have to leave, you have no choice. You can’t bring your dog with you. You ask your sister to take your dog for months/year or two until you return.
Sis could do it. She says no, get rid of your dog. Sis says, I don’t care how much you love your dog; you have to get rid of it. So you have to give your dog, which you love, away to strangers. You miss your dog, and really hope your dog is doing ok, now that it’s been thrown out of its home and living with strangers.
You hope the strangers are being good to your dog, not hurting it. Then, when you’re chatting with your family and sharing a moment of sadness about missing your loved dog, your idiot sibling says, “Hey, don’t worry, the dog is somewhere better now.”
Do you see it now?
You decided not to do your sister a huge favor. You were ok with hurting your sister’s heart and feelings by not helping resulting in her having to give her loved dog away. Then, you imply that she was a crappy dog owner and the dog is better off with another family.
I hope you never need a favor. Or money. Or any kind of help, because your sister sure as heck won’t give it to you. And to make sure you know how much of a gaping jerk you are – did it ever occur to you that while on deployment, your sister is going to be lonely and now she also gets to worry about her (ex) dog and hoping that it’s ok.
While two of her team died and one is still hospitalized. I bet she’s depressed and sad as heck. Good job, OP.” androiddays
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Look, OP, you were under no binding legal obligation to take in your sister’s dog, but yes, refusing to do so solely because you didn’t feel like it – not because it would have been prohibitively expensive, or because you rent and your lease prohibits more than one dog, or because her dog and yours loathe each other and get aggressive, or because her dog is aggressive toward you, or any other serious reason – to my mind, makes you a jerk.
I adore my dogs, and I sincerely hope you adore your dog. If so, try to imagine that you have just had your life turned upside down and have three weeks to find someone who is willing to take care of your dog for one year, or else you’ll have to take him to a shelter or otherwise rehome him and never see him again.
Sit for a moment with the overwhelming feelings of sadness and anxiety; really let yourself marinate in them. Then imagine that you asked your sister to take your dog in, and she could have done it but she said no because she just didn’t feel like it, and you wound up having to rehome your dog.
How would you feel about her? Would you feel warmly affectionate? Or would you feel hurt and angry? (I’d feel hurt and angry, were I in your sister’s shoes.) Taking in your sister’s dog for one year would, I’m sure, have been inconvenient, but it’s not that much harder to handle two dogs than it is to handle one.
(Going from two to three is a much bigger deal, as I know very well from experience.) You could have done something generous and kind and loving to help your sister, but you didn’t feel like it, so you left her to suffer the loss of a beloved dog and apparently didn’t even bother to care one tiny bit about how hard, how painful, it must have been for her.
So yes, YTJ. Big time. And while I generally try not to be the kind of person who says (or even thinks) things like this, I’m going to make an exception in this case: I really hope that you need help someday, and your sister refuses because she just doesn’t feel like it, because maybe then you will understand what you have done.
Until then, I seriously doubt you will grasp it, because the whole concept of empathy appears to be entirely foreign to you.” GothicGingerbread
1. AITJ For Showing PDA With My Partner Around My Cousins?
“This all happened on Christmas. I was reminded of it today since my mom was ranting about my aunt being a witch and not letting her see my cousins.
I (23m) have been with my man (27m) for 3 years now. 2022 was the first Christmas we spent together. We stayed with my parents for Christmas. It was mostly amazing till my aunt invited herself over for Christmas dinner and to use the pool. My parents didn’t say no since they would put up with it for her kids, and honestly, I think we all only put up with her because of the kids (5f, 8m, 10m, and 16m).
While they were over, my partner and I did show some PDA like we were doing before my aunt even came over. Nothing too crazy, just cuddling and the occasional peck on the lips or cheek. My Aunt did not like that and told me and him to stop showing affection and that it will confuse her children.
My immediate response was to tell her to eat crap and tell her to stop being a homophobic jerk. She tried to insist that it had nothing to do with being gay but I pointed out how my 16 yo brother had been sucking face with his SO since she got there and hasn’t batted a freaking eye, but 2 men pecking was somehow her line, nah, you homophobic witch.
After confronting her with that she gathered the kids up and left. Since then she hasn’t contacted us, which should be a good thing, but she won’t let my parents see my cousins since they “let” me disrespect her like that. The only cousin we get to see is 16m since he will sneak over to my place to get away from his mom, but I see him less now.
I feel like a jerk because I want my cousins in my life, especially 16m. He’s also gay but not out to his mom, and I feel like me doing this cost him time with us that help him feel normal and better about himself.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You did absolutely nothing wrong. What has cost him time with you is his mother’s own bigotry. I’m sure when he is around you and your man, it’s been made clear to him how happy he can be. Since he’s not too far from 18 he will soon be able to make his own choices and without having to sneak around to do it.
Your job now is to be a consistent support until Aunty no longer has control over his life and who he spends it with. Bigots are not owed kindness and kind words after exposing their nonsense. This idea that you “should have said it nicer” is infuriating.
Respect is earned and maintained. This woman has done neither.” relentless89
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But a word of advice. Not every situation deserves an explanation or even an acknowledgment. In situations like this, where you’ve done nothing wrong and have no intention of following a ridiculous demand, you’ve always got the option to react dismissively rather than with righteous anger.
It makes them even more mad, and they don’t have anything to latch onto later on. Imagine how the interaction would have gone if you had simply responded, “Nah. No thanks. We’re good.” And otherwise just ignored her. She’d still be mad. Maybe even more mad.
But all she’d have is the original complaint to stew about. She wouldn’t have the whole “I’m not homophobic; I just feel so insulted” to fall back on, like she thinks she does now. Treat people with the attention and respect they deserve. Bigots deserve neither.” Scr0tat0
Another User Comments:
“Definitely NTJ. It’s tragic that your aunt is using your cousins as leverage to enforce her homophobia, but you take solace in the quality of the example you have provided to your cousins. It is easy for young people, especially children, to believe that the views of their parents and insular communities are “normal.” You provided your cousins with a concrete example that disputes what they are being taught by their mother.
And you have offered a blueprint for how to stand up to bigotry. It is terrible that you will not be able to see your cousins as often in the short term, but don’t be surprised if you don’t cement a long-term relationship with them once they move out on their own.” jarrodswint
Another User Comments:
“ESH. Your aunt is clearly out of line. It’s none of her business if you guys want to be slightly affectionate around other people. I hate PDA personally, but this wasn’t public. It was at your parents’ home. Did you catch that?
Your PARENTS’ home. Not yours. What gives you the right to call a guest in their home names? Even if you were right, it’s not your place to say, and in front of her kids, apparently. Your mother should have shut it down for you, but she didn’t.
So you can either ask your mother to say something,******* up, and not kiss in front of other people who are uncomfortable with it or leave yourself. Berating someone else’s guest is not an option if you don’t want to be the jerk. Again, I think your analysis of her is probably spot on, but not really relevant here.” marklbetya
