People Inquire "Am I The Jerk?" In These Open-Ended Situations
22. AITJ For Not Wanting To Make My Brother Food?
“My little brother is 18.
I’m 20. I am staying with my family for the holidays and thought it’d be a nice time but I forgot that they treat me like a housekeeper. I do almost all the chores and I don’t mind if it’s MY chore. Obviously, if I notice the dishwasher is full, I empty it. If I cook, I clean up.
If I make a mess, I clean up. However, if my little brother makes a mess. He makes me clean up. If I refuse and tell him to do it himself, he tells my parents and they side with him and just bug me until I do it.
My brother also asks me to cook for him.
He pulls out brownie mix and is like “make this.” I always am like: “Sure, I can make it but you have to help.” He gets mad and says, “I helped by taking out the box!” And when I refused to make stuff for him or tell him to make it himself, he’ll throw a fit and tell our parents.
Lately, he keeps asking me to make stuff and I get frustrated going back and forth about why can’t he make it himself or just ask our parents. So I make the food he asks, but I’ll add stuff he doesn’t like (coincidentally, he hates a ton of stuff I love to eat). So if he asks for brownies and refuses to help, I put nuts in it.
He hates them and I like them. He came over to see the brownies and got mad at me and told me he hated nuts and can’t eat the brownies anymore. I just said, “Too bad, make it yourself next time or help me and tell me not to put nuts in.” I thought he’d learn his lesson to at least help but he keeps asking for stuff and I just keep putting stuff in that he doesn’t like.
He finally got fed up and said he’s not eating because I keep making stuff with stuff he doesn’t like. I just shrugged and told him to make his own food then. He told my parents, of course, and they just told me to stop being a jerk and make food for him. It was my last day at home, so I just told them to make food for him if they’re so concerned before I left. Now my parents are upset with me and my brother is angry with me and I am wondering if I was too petty.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, when I was reading I thought your brother was like 5 then I went back and realized he was 18!???? Thank God you’re out of there.” Santigold23
Another User Comments:
“I feel so, so sorry for the poor person who’s going to end up with OPs brother for a partner.” yknjs
21. AITJ For Not Telling My Girl's Family I Speak Their Language?
“I’m (24M) not Hispanic or anything.
I’m white and was adopted by my parents when I was 5. My mom is Mexican so I learned Spanish from her. I’m pretty fluent and I guess that surprises people sometimes because I don’t “look the part.” White, blonde hair, blue eyes, etc.
Anyways, I’ve been with my SO for a while, who is hispanic.
Never mentioned I’m bilingual because the topic was just never brought up.
A month ago, her family wanted to meet me since we recently moved in together.
We did it through Zoom (safety and all). It was her parents, her grandma because she lives with her parents, and her sister. Everyone was welcoming and nice.
Her grandma was the first to say something in Spanish and her words surprised me because she was literally so nice talking to me then suddenly switched to saying something else.
“Por que otro güero?” (“Why another white boy?” Pretty much) Then she asked when can she set her up with one of her friends nephews.
My SO told her to stop. Then her parents did the same. A couple times during the convo they switched to Spanish whenever making a comment about me. My SO at least always shut down their criticisms and told them to stop talking like that.
To be honest, I didn’t say anything cause I was curious what their real thoughts on me were.
It kinda sucked that they were so freely talking about me right in my face.
I finally said something when her mom mentioned my gf told her I was in college and asked what I’m studying.
Her dad commented to her grandma in Spanish, “Ah no wonder he moved in with her if he’s wasting all his in school.”
See the fact that we moved in together seems to be their hang up with me. They’re not happy we moved in and think because she works full time and I part time, that we did it so I can mooch off her, which isn’t even true because we split the bills for everything.
So I answered in Spanish, “We moved in together because we wanted to take the next step in our relationship and we love eachother.” Then I answered her mom’s question, also added that I have several scholarships that pay for everything so what I earn goes to living expenses.
They all looked panicked and right away apologized a million times for what they said. My SO was shocked too but she didn’t have an issue with what I did and thought the look on their faces were hilarious. She only felt bad that I did know what they were saying all along and apologized.
Her sister is telling us what I did was petty and mean because I embarrassed them. That I should’ve said I knew Spanish because that was a conversation I wasn’t meant to understand/be part of, therefore it wasn’t my business to listen in. To her, it’s like I was eavesdropping.
I get eavesdropping is bad and they wouldn’t have said anything if they knew I understood so I guess I can see where she’s coming from.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“L**o, NTJ. Her sister calling you petty? If what you did is petty, what do you call smack-talking someone to their face in another language? It’s pretty much the OPPOSITE of “eavesdropping.” They’re only mad because they got called out on their bullcrap. Don’t let it bother you.” ineffableB
Another User Comments:
“Especially considering that many people learn Spanish in school… So even if you weren’t a native speaker fluent, the chance of you understanding at least partially what they’re saying is pretty high. But that’s beside the point altogether. They talked about you right in front of you which, in my book, is a condescending jerk move.” mcmellsters
Another User Replies:
“I agree, Spanish is very commonly spoken. Gf’s family shouldn’t make it a habit to bash people in any language, let alone a super common one. Also, skin color indicates nothing about linguistic abilities. The family was wrong to judge OP on a number of fronts.” ineffableB
20. AITJ For Wanting My Full Inheritance Instead Of It Going To My Sister?
“I am 17F and my sister is 21F.
She was always a rebellious child but never got in trouble. Our grandfather left us both funds for college as our inheritance. The only catch was to actually go to college. My sister was the party animal and she got pregnant at 18. My parents took care of everything. She still lives with us with no father in the picture.
I wanted to start looking for colleges to apply to but turns out I have no money left, I’m literally sobbing while writing this, My parents took my entire inheritance and gave it to my sister.
I raised this issue on Christmas and I’m being blamed for ruining Christmas and not loving my niece or my sister.
I told them yes I really hate each and every one of them. I feel like a jerk for that.
My parents have offered 10k in exchange to calm me down but the original amount was literally 80K! They are now telling me that I’m greedy. Should I take what they are offering me right now, because according to them, this is what they’ve got for me?
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ If your grandfather left it to you in a will or any other legal document, you may have grounds to sue for the money.” RedditUser
Another User Comments:
“I am strongly recommending you go straight to an attorney. ASK AN ACTUAL ATTORNEY IN YOUR AREA.” undead_ramen
Another User Replies:
“As an actual lawyer, this is the best advice.” DistractedAttorney
Another User Comments:
“This. If it was in a will, you have every right to sue. Obviously, your family won’t talk to you anymore but honestly, 80 grand is no laughing matter. The fact they took it from you kinda speaks volumes of what they think of you.
And they’re gaslighting you saying, “You’re being greedy.” I highly doubt they spent 80 grand on your niece… Think about that for a moment. Good luck OP. I recommend at least talking to an attorney and making sure you know the fees involved up front. That’s terrible. 80 grand is literally life-changing for most middle class and lower families.” verbal-soup
19. AITJ For Being Annoyed By My Partner's Lust For Life?
“My SO (29) is a very lively and energetic person. But sometimes her behaviour is really annoying for me (33).
She wants me to share her joy for little meaningless things up tp 5 times a day. It’s tiring.
Yesterday we went on a hike and she was constantly admiring nature:
“The grass has reached an impressive height.”
“These ducks have babies! Look! Three!”
“Nature is healing my soul. Look at this panorama. Breathtaking.”
She was obviously having the time of her life.
I get it. There is a duck, there is some green grass and some hills where we were walking. But the hills are not that impressive and you can literally see them everywhere in our area. She made 3 or 4 comments about nature and it always included the imperative to look. But I just wanted to exercise and get the hike done as quick as possible.
I know exactly where her behavior comes from. Her family does the same. “Look, James. The t*t found a nest in our tree.” “Mary, look how beautiful your cake glazing turned out to be. Delicious!”
I am so tired of looking. I don’t want to give her that attention and the things she is pointing out don’t make me happy.
They mean nothing to me. So I guess I was being rude by telling her “Please. Please let me walk in peace and stop asking me to admire all this stuff. I don’t want to!” She didn’t take it well and we ended up being quiet for the rest of the hike. I didn’t want to silence her.
I am sorry and apologized but she was angry and avoiding me in our apartment. She said, “So what else am I supposed to talk about?” I think she got me wrong. Am I the jerk?
Another User Comments:
“I swear, I don’t get people sometimes. I keep seeing posts here that boil down to: “My partner was doing something that made them happy and was harmless, I s**t on them from a great height, and now they have the audacity to be not as happy around me!” Bro, let your girl be happy and enjoy nature!
Besides, you got what you wanted. You whined that she was being talkative and making you “look at things” and now she’s not, because you ruined that for her. It doesn’t seem fair that you get to complain both when she is happy and when she is not.” Akaer
Another User Comments:
“I dated a guy who did this.
The happier I was, the more it annoyed him. So I see this and think, he’s trying to dim her light and squash the joy out of her. For what? Because it annoys him? Who gets annoyed by seeing someone they love happy? Before we dated, he used to tell me how much he loved that about me but then after he seemed to try his damnedest to suffocate it.
It changed me permanently and I’m not the same person I was. I never will be. I spent too much time trying to temper it down so as not to upset him.
My ex also complained when I became quiet and withdrawn and was shocked, I tell you, shocked, when I left him.” Beginning_Friendship
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. While as a fellow grump, I do see how this does not really interest you – this is who your partner is. You’re literally sucking the joy out of her, and not respecting her as a person very much. Frankly, it sounds like you’re not a great match.” aspartameheart
18. AITJ For Not Wanting My Partner To Protect His Furniture When It's My Time Of The Month?
“So, my (24F) guy (28M) is really protective over his furniture, I assume it’s because they’re white. This really shows when I’m on my period. My guy does humiliating things like placing sheets on all of the chairs and lounges (I feel like if I were to leak, I’d just leak through the sheets anyway) and makes me sleep in the guest bedroom on the first two days of my period (my heaviest days) and then he even asks me about when was the last time I changed my tampon.
I’m a grown woman who has had her period since the age of 12, I don’t need somebody to remind me to change a tampon.
When he does this I just feel embarrassed and it gives me the vibe that he cares more about materialistic objects than me. I’m not even allowed to cuddle him during my period.
He acts like I’m just gushing like a waterfall or something. I started my period yesterday and as I expected – the sheets come out. I decide to put my foot down and I take off all of the sheets off the furniture, which got my guy irritated to which I told him that he needs to stop treating me like a leaking juice box.
He’s saying that I have no right to prevent him from keeping his expensive furniture clean and that I’M the one acting like a “jerk.” I need to know, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Just out of curiosity, does he have any redeeming qualities besides owning furniture he cares about?” WaterDevil1944
Another User Comments:
“This is actually quite disturbing behavior.
He’s treating OP like a dog in heat, it makes me wonder about his personality/views towards women in general. For his screwed-up reasoning to work, he’d have to ask ANY woman that comes to his house if they’re having their period. WTH???” seekramnell
Another User Comments:
“I don’t think this is about furniture. This is a man deeply uneasy about menstruation and female body functions.
He is not truly comfortable relating with women and attempts to control and set barriers around them. I suggest you get away from this man whose head is in the Dark Ages of time because you will begin to notice, over time, that it is not just your menstruating body that sets him off.” abcwva
Another User Comments:
“Oh, come on, that’s a little harsh. A man’s home is his castle and this poor man is understandably threatened by his woman’s uterus. His castle is under siege since OP has the nerve to carry out regular bodily functions in his home! The least he can do is cover every surface in a highly permeable fabric to make sure that any errant menstrual fluid is transferred to the upholstery.
OP, you deserve a man who sees you (and all women) as his equal, not a walking vessel of hormones and bodily fluids. Last I checked, men had plenty of their own hormones and fluids. I bet this guy doesn’t take the same precautions for himself, though.” MiaoMiao27
17. AITJ For Hating My Partner's Choice In Socks And How She Wears Them?
“I’ve been (G) for 5 years, and was considering proposal until this.
G has always worn mismatched socks. Not just two different colors, but patterned ones too. When we were younger I thought it was adorable. As we’re getting older and furthering our careers, I find it unprofessional and immature.
And it’s a little mood-killing because it’s not very attractive when that intimate time comes.
I’ve had multiple discussions with her about it up until now, and she’s always brushed it off. She doesn’t think it’s a big deal.
I’m a little less bothered with this at home except for when we’re getting down, but the last straw was when we went to visit my parents when the stay-at-home order was lifted in our state.
My brother and his wife were there with their young daughter. She had mismatched socks on too and I pointed it out to G. G said she didn’t mind matching with my niece and that it didn’t mean anything about maturity because “they’re just socks.” To me, it proves she’s acting like a literal child.
I just don’t understand what the problem would be with wearing normal, matching plain socks.
When she was at work, I got rid of all of the patterned and colored socks and replaced them with all-black socks. I thought she would be excited to get new socks.
She blew up at me, accused me of being the immature one, accused me of needing to feel in control, etc. I just wanted her to dress like an adult and told her I don’t want to marry an overgrown child.
She’s been staying with her sister since and won’t speak to me until “I understand.”
AITJ for replacing her socks? They’re just socks.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
-
You should accept your GF as she is. If you can’t, don’t propose to her.
-
DO NOT make major changes to your GF’s wardrobe without consulting her. Of course, she blew up.
That is a major lack of respect for her agency.
-
They are just socks, huh? Then why can’t you let this go?” JackNotName
Another User Comments:
“This. The hypocrisy is so obvious that I laughed out loud. If the socks don’t matter, why do you care so much? If the socks don’t matter, why did you literally steal her socks and replace them with ones you approve of?” BewaretheCyclops
Another User Comments:
“Also along the lines of a mood killer..is she leaving them on during hanky panky? I’m so confused. The only time socks could even kill a mood for me is when someone doesn’t immediately take them off when they take off their pants, but like jokingly. sometimes my bf will try to get away with keeping just 1 on.
If he’s hung up on the socks in the bedroom then there is clearly a much bigger issue.
Also, I’m an adult human & my socks never match either & r all fun colors..it only matters that they are the same cut.
YTJ big time.” ilikeabbreviations
Another User Comments:
I’m also an adult human and my socks never match.
My boss and her boss wear socks that don’t match. We’ve all had professional positions in a Fortune 500 company for decades. There are websites dedicated to selling mismatched socks. Bf has never looked at me and said OMG you have to change your socks and he has never paid any attention to my socks during hooking up.
OP YTJ But it’s not about the socks. Disregarding her feelings on the matter. Deciding it was childish and that you’re going to make her grow up. Disposing of her belongings and replacing them with what you deem appropriate are all serious red flag controlling behaviors.” AMouse82
Another User Comments:
“Exactly!!! What in the world is he going to do when she wants to paint a room a different color than what he likes or anything else that he disagrees with in life?!?
I hope she runs fast and far away from him. OP YTJ 100%.” Blueballoon80
16. AITJ For Emasculating My Partner After He Talked Smack?
“I (30F) met this guy (28M) in January and he became my BF in February. Comes March, the world goes down the drain and we decided to move in together for the time of the “world pause.” Everything is great.
In the morning, we have this routine where he browses Reddit and gives me the highlights. A few weeks ago, he shows me a post where this guy is challenged to an arm wrestling competition by his GF. The guy didn’t seem to have any sort of training/work out whereas his GF did.
I commented he might have a surprise.
My BF started educating me on biology and how men are stronger than women. I told him there were way too many factors to take into consideration to make such a broad comment. I have been doing weightlifting for 2 years and my BF has never seen a gym in his life, so I used us as an example.
That was a BIG mistake.
He got really defensive and condescending, and made comments like, “That’s cute.” I just let it go.
Fast forward to yesterday. He’s playing some game with his friend (online) and I can clearly hear him talk about me. Well curiosity killed the cat.
At first it’s all pretty and my ego is bursting, but then he says I’m delusional because I think I’m stronger than him.
Pause. “Seriously? I know I’m weak but not weaker than a girl.” So later, I decided to call him on his BS. I asked him if he wanted to come workout with me the next day (this morning) so he can show me how strong he is. He accepted and I was happy because I had been dying to bring him and initiate him into something I’m passionate about.
So, this morning, we went to my friend’s (27M) garage (my region allows groups of 10 or less and we wipe everything). I told him we’re gonna do deadlifts. It’s my favorite exercise and I was already planning to test my personal best so it was perfect.
My friend was there cause he corrects my form and it’s been our Sunday ritual since the start of the “World Pause.” We started light and slowly worked our way up, doing the same number of reps as the other.
Comes 185, his form starts to crumble so we made him go lighter. But 185 really isn’t that much for me so I kept stacking the plates. He looked very supportive and impressed the whole time. I ended up beating my personal best at 265. I was ecstatic and so were they.
When we got in the car, he was very silent.
I assumed he was just tired. We got home and that’s when he exploded and asked me if I was proud of myself. Apparently, I humiliated him in front of my friend. I apologized. I didnt realize he was feeling that way. He got angry and said it really changed the way he saw me, like I’m less of a woman now.
He stormed to the basement.
I started collecting my things, but now I’m wondering if I should have been reading between the lines and stopped at 190 or something. Or just dropped it and never suggested we work out together? I knew very well I was stronger than him but I just had to prove it to him.
AITJ?
Another User Comments:
“LOL.. this is hilarious and congrats on your personal best. You don’t need a physically stronger man, but you definitely need an emotionally stronger man, because that’s where your BF is weak. You shouldn’t have apologized for being better at something you work at than he is. That’s your only error here.
He wanted to talk smack and brag when he didn’t deserve it. Don’t EVER make yourself less to placate the insecurity of anyone. NTJ.” whyallsodumb
Another User Comments:
“If you need a woman to be weaker for you to feel masculine, you were never a real man anyway.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“LOUDER for those in the back!!!
When I met my husband, I could pick him up and even toss him a little. Whenever he became too intoxicated to walk, I would throw him over my shoulder like a sack of animal feed and just take him to the car.
I’m two and a half inches taller than him and outweigh him by fifteen pounds of muscle.
He’s never once had a problem with me being taller (he loves it when I wear extremely high heels), stronger (he enjoys knowing I could dominate him if we ever decided to go down that road), and he celebrates how feminine I am (despite me being physically stronger and larger than he is).
He’s a masculine guy, but he’s incredibly secure in that masculinity and doesn’t need a woman to pretend to be weak, or unintelligent, or airheaded to stroke his ego.
Men who act like that are NOT men. They’re still boys and need to grow up.” Jedi_Belle01
15. AITJ For Giving Away My Partner's Cat?
“My girl and I have been together since we were 13 (we’re 20) now and she’s had her cat for the duration of our relationship. I’m going to go ahead and just say it: I don’t care for cats since I’m allergic to them and hers was no exception. I’m not really an animal person in general but if I were to get one, it wouldn’t be a cat.
They’re disgusting and it creeped me out.
My girl and I moved in together at 18 and I was always under the impression that she would leave the cat with her parents since she knew how much I didn’t like cats. Long story short, the cat came with her and while I wasn’t thrilled about it, I allowed it to stay under the condition that it wouldn’t sleep in our bed, it wouldn’t sit on the furniture and it wouldn’t go into my office space.
Over the course of the last two years, I would come home from work and my girl would be chilling on the couch with the cat after I’d asked her not to. I’d get ready to climb into bed and there’s cat hair on my sheets so I know she let it into the bedroom, not to mention she has what I feel like is an unhealthy obsession with this thing.
She’s constantly talking to it and cooing at it like it’s a person and it drives me up the wall. For a while, I just slept in my office so I wouldn’t have to deal with an itchy face and puffy eyeballs.
With us being stuck at home now it’s even harder for me to have my own space.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was when I went into my office and found her cat sitting in the window. I’ve asked time and time again for her cat to stay out of my space and I feel like she deliberately disrespect my wishes so I found a walk and surrender shelter today and dropped off the cat.
I haven’t told my girl and being that it’s an indoor-outdoor cat I hope she just thinks it ran away. I love my girl but her cat was legitimately our only source of conflict. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You should immediately tell your girl what you did so she can go and retrieve her much loved pet.
Then you need to have a conversation like an adult, which is what you should have done in the first place. If you can’t live with her pet, which she obviously loves, then maybe you need to reconsider your living arrangements or let your girl decide what to do with her cat. You can’t just unilaterally give away something that doesn’t belong to you.” RedditUser
Another User Comments:”
YTJ- Animals are a lifetime commitment and honestly if a cat is a deal-breaker you should have been an adult.
This is controlling abusive behavior akin to destroying someone’s things because you’re upset at them, made so much worse because you put an innocent animal in a vulnerable position where it’s scared, alone, stressed, and now lives in a sterile unfamiliar place until they maybe get adopted (harder for older cats)
You took a living creature your GF loves and without telling her, abducted it and intend to set it up in a shortened lifetime of loneliness.
Tell her where the cat is and at least give her the chance to leave you and take care of her cat.” Imreallyjustconfused
Another User Comments:
“Yes, absolutely YTJ, you don’t just go get rid of her pet.
And no this is clearly not your only issue.
Obviously, the cat isn’t going to listen to you not wanting them in your space since it’s a cat and doesn’t understand human talk.
The problem was how you and your girl communicated about the cat. You should have talked about it, especially since you’re allergic which she probably knew after five years of seeing each other before she moved the cat in.
You should have talked about your office being a cat-free zone.
Go get the cat back ASAP. I wouldn’t be surprised if she broke up with you over this.” nonanonaye
14. AITJ For Altering My Friend's Academic Future Without Her Knowing?
“Ever since I was a child, I always dreamed of studying abroad. We all know the benefits of studying abroad and I am sure if I don’t profit from this now, I will forever regret it later on. Luckily for me, my parents are financially stable and can afford to send me abroad in order to gain such an invaluable experience, however, there is one catch.
The catch is that I must go with a friend of mine; They won’t send me there alone.
I thought this wasn’t a problem since I have been planning to go with my friend to Country X, but this month, everything changed. My friend and I applied to two universities in different countries. One of them doesn’t have a capita on the number of students it can accept but the other one does.
My friend got accepted to both of them but I only did to one of them. Both of them are good universities but objectively, one is better than the other.
My friend got accepted to the university and country I got accepted to, but now she’s telling me there is a possibility she will go to the other one she got accepted to because she has relatives there who will allow her to stay in their house without her having to pay rent.
I was heartbroken by the news. How could she do this to me? She knows how much I want to study abroad and she’s well aware of the fact that my parents won’t let me go alone.
I told my parents about this and they assured me that if there is no other person I can go with, then I will be studying here in my home country instead.
I could not let this happen. Although she didn’t say she was going to do it for sure, I needed a definite answer. My friend once told me her password on a game we play and I tried to see if she has the same password for her email. Turns out, she does, so I logged in, rejected her admission offer and logged out.
My friend still doesn’t know this but she will soon. I told my parents about it to assure them that my friend will now be going with me, but they got so upset and they are now threatening me that they’re going to call my friends parents and tell them what I did. I begged them not to but they are not listening.
They want to do it in case she can still attend the university of her choice. I told them to let me tell her instead and they agreed, although I don’t think I will now that you guys know why I did this. AITJ?
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, a selfish jerk. You made a choice for someone else because you didn’t have a backup plan and you’re a jerk.
Don’t make life choices for someone else.” bassoonmokey18
Another User Comments:
“I read the post thinking that there must be something the OP was going to write that was going to even possibly justify it. Nope.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“Accessing another person’s email may be an offense in certain locations. Pretending to be someone else in communication with a university may also be an offense in some locations.
The first may come under computer misuse or communications laws the second may fall under identity theft or misrepresentation laws. They definitely make YTJ in all locations though.” essjay2009
13. AITJ For Not Wanting My Partner's Cat To Move In With Us?
“It’s safe to say that I am a dog person. I’ve always loved dogs and always had dogs, and the dog that I have now is my best bud.
I love how social they are and how much they show love back to their humans, and that they are smart and trainable.
I definitely do not like cats. Lots of people love them and that’s fine. But I personally do not even slightly see the appeal of taking care of an animal that doesn’t give two craps if you live or die, and that takes an insane amount of training and effort to learn even basic commands…which they will only ever do if they feel like it.
I can’t count how many times I’ve been scratched or bitten by a cat for no other reason than I dared to go near it. So yeah. Not a fan.
My partner and I have been for coming up on one year and she is a one in A million girl. When we’re apart I often find myself just wanting to spend time together, she is wickedly funny and always makes me laugh out loud, and an amazing artist. And, she has a cat.
It is not a particularly bad cat or anything, as far as cats go. Very average. But I am so the opposite of a cat person that even average is bad. Have you ever hated someone so much that every little thing annoys you? That’s what cats are like to me, and this cat is just everywhere when I am hanging out at my partner’s apartment.
Jumping up and down from shelves, stepping on my crotch, kneading my leg with its paws, and most importantly claws, yowling outside the bedroom door whenever I spend the night. My partner of course loves him and doesn’t see any flaws.
All of this wouldn’t be a problem, but as I said, we are approaching one year and I have been thinking about our future together.
I can see myself marrying this girl, and I want her to move in with me. But I do not want to have a cat. I don’t even know if my dog will get along with it, and I know I won’t get along with it.
I’ve tried to talk to my partner about the issue and she just turns stone freaking cold.
“Hey maybe (cat) can live with your parents when we move in together.” (They are in the same city as us.)
“No. We’re a package deal.”
I tried very calmly and rationally explaining to her the issue and she outright said that I need to figure out what’s more important to me because either they both move in with me or we break up and stop wasting each others’ time.
Just full ultimatum and holding the relationship hostage.
I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place here. If she’s playing hardball, would it be a jerk move for me to play hardball right back and say that she can’t move in until she rehomes the cat?”
Another User Comments:
“Imagine you are moving in with her and she asks to get rid of your dog.
Would you do it? If the answer is no, YTJ.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“Gotta love the part where he goes “I tried very calmly and rationally explaining” when the aversion to the cat is what’s irrational in the first place, l**o.” jennreality
Another User Comments:
“A lot of the times I thought I was ‘calmly and rationally’ explaining something, I later realized that I was basically being condescending and/or domineering.
A sad habit of the training we men get is to consider ourselves rational and assume that women are irrational.” huesoso
12. AITJ For Stealing Ducks From Kids?
“I live near a duck pond that has one population of ducks (when there’s food they all go to the same place, they don’t split and go to different people). I regularly feed these ducks, but today, when I got to the pond, there was a group of adults and children putting out seed already.
No issue, I politely wait on the other side of the pond and take some pictures of other wildlife.
Then the screams start.
No one is being tragically murdered, the kids are shouting for the ducks to “do something” and running towards them when they do come on land.
This is super not ok for me so I threw down duck food on my side of the pond and hijacked the little beauts.
Mother of the Brats loudly exclaimed to Father of the Brats that I was “a bit b****y cheeky” and “stole the ducks” from her kids. Loud enough for me to hear but obviously not aimed at me (polite and British – no confrontation).
I understand I did “steal” them, but I just don’t like children being taught it’s ok to harass animals.
AITJ for duck stealing?”
Another User Comments:
“To be honest, that kind of politeness is the most annoying part of British culture. NTJ, parents should always teach kids to be respectful to animals.” massivemusicsucker
Another User Comments:
“I think it’s worse because I guess it’s not even “polite”… it’s just awkward. Fully with you on it being annoying though, it’s just quite deeply ingrained.” LittleBearsie
Another User Comments:
“When I was in England visiting a historical site with relatives, one of my distant cousins (aged around 50) told a litterer “Oh, you dropped something back there.” It was hilarious. Super non-confrontational and embarrassing to the littered.” era626
Another User Comments:
“One time I was walking my dog and came to a traffic light, dude pulls up in a car and just chucks an empty plastic bottle and it conveniently lands at my feet.
I’m positive he didn’t see me. I picked it up and threw it back through his window. The LOOK on this dude’s face. “You dropped that, McDonalds around the corner, they have a recycling bin!” He sped off so fast l**o, didn’t see him throw the bottle out again though.” pancakegoboom
11. AITJ For Throwing Out My Girl's Umbilical Cord?
“My (34M) gf (21F) of two years is native American and she had this small, beaten up leather pouch.
It was about the size of a golf ball, and it was beaded but there were beads missing and thread exposed and the leather was stained and greasy with something. It was supposed to look like a turtle or a lizard or something, but it was so beaten that I was hard to tell. The thing absolutely stunk.
We had it in a box of keepsakes along with our photos and other things, and it made the box have a musty smell.
Imagine my horror when I asked her what the thing was, and she told me it was her umbilical cord?? It grossed me out and I thought she was joking, so I laughed. She looked upset, so I asked if she was serious.
She was. I asked her why she had it, and she told me it was her people’s cultural practice to stop you from searching for things or something among other things. I thought the sentiment was nice, but it stunk and was hideous.
I understand that some people keep teeth and that sort of thing, but teeth don’t stink.
And teeth aren’t kept in a strange little pouch. The whole thing skeezed me out, so I put it back and left it alone.
But two weeks ago when she was sleeping, I was going through our things and wanted to scan an old photo. I opened our keepsake box and the wave of musty air hit me.
I couldn’t take it anymore, so I hid the thing in a box in the basement. We went through our photos and things together (it was a lovely night, we did it over wine) and she didn’t even acknowledge that it was missing. I even asked her if she noticed anything gone from our stuff.
She said she didn’t, and laughed.
So yesterday, I decided to rid us of it and put it in the trash. It went, and I could breathe a sigh of relief knowing my girl’s actual entire mummified umbilical cord was where it should’ve been to begin with.
But today her mom called, and told her that she was willing to remake the pouch for her if she sent it.
Oops… She proceeded to tear apart our room looking for it, sobbing hysterically and not listening to any kind of reason… I’ll admit, I felt bad. Maybe I should’ve just left it alone, but why even keep such a thing? I came clean and told her that I threw it away because I thought she wouldn’t notice.
She started screaming at me and said that it wasn’t my right to throw her things away. I reminded her of when she threw my favorite shirt away just because it had a hole and a grease stain. She told me it wasn’t the same thing, but isn’t it? They were both items kept purely out of sentimentality.
At least my shirt wasn’t making our photos smell musty.
She was suddenly calm, and I thought she was willing to talk about it, but she started packing her stuff. I begged her to stay but she took her car and her stuff and left. I don’t know where she went, or if she’ll be back, but I’m so devastated. It was such a small and dumb thing to split us up over, but I do regret it.
Am I the jerk?
A few additional remarks:
Update 1: I didn’t want to put it in a different container because at the end of the day, we still would’ve had a body part that should’ve been tossed to begin with. Just because something is cultural doesn’t mean that justifies it. Would it be okay if I kept all my fecal matter in a little bag because I thought it was special?
It doesn’t and didn’t make sense. I feel like she was overreacting and I think everyone calling me the jerk should have to smell the d**n thing. Then you’d know why I tossed it.
Update 2: The last time we fought, she came back after an hour. She isn’t back yet, and it’s starting to take a toll.
She’s the one that makes dinner, cleans, comforts me. She’s always there for me. The notion that I might spend tonight alone is destroying me. She’s always been perfect to me, and I do things like this that upset her. Maybe I AM the jerk…. I’m sorry guys. I’ve been calling her and calling her and she won’t answer.
I just want to apologize and get her back. I want her to know how much she means to me. I think I might call her mom and tell her what I did and see if she can make another one… I know it won’t be the same and it won’t have her umbilical cord anymore, but maybe it’ll be a start?
Update 3: I couldn’t get ahold of her mom, but I have been on the phone with the sanitation department for our city, and they put me on hold for 45 minutes looking through the trash from our neighborhood. I barely caught them, and it took a lot of pleading and convincing but they were kind. They managed to find the pouch, and I’ll have to pay a huge recovery fee, but that’s all worth it.
They agreed to let me pick it up tomorrow. If I can get ahold of my gf, hopefully she’ll come back to me and things can be alright. I’ll never touch her stuff again if it means she’ll stay with me. I’ll update this when I can get ahold of her.
Update 4: This will be the last update… I’m so devastated. I got the pouch back from the sanitation center today as soon as they called me at 8am this morning.
It was a little smashed up but it’s ok. If our city wasn’t as small as it is, I might not have been able to get it back. I paid them and left. I left a voicemail for my gf telling her I got it back, and she finally called me back. She told me she was coming back and I felt butterflies again like when I first met her.
I was waiting for her to show up, and I wanted to fully check the condition of the pouch, so I opened it and discovered what was causing it to smell-there was a butt in it beside her umbilical cord that looked like it might have been wet at some point. It made the pouch smell like ash, along with the leather stinking from whatever greasy substance was on it.
The pouch was okay, so I waited for my gf to come.
Well she came this evening and asked for it immediately. I asked if she wanted to have dinner with me and she said no. I was hurt, she said she was coming back? She told me no, she just wants her pouch. I didn’t want to be a jerk again, so I just gave it to her.
I told her I loved her and she slammed my own door in my face. I began to mourn our relationship but she came back in and grabbed me by my shirt and asked why I opened it. I told her I wanted to see if it was ok.
She said I didn’t need to open it, and asked if I took the out.
I told her I just touched it to look at it and she began to cry… She told me she was keeping that since her father committed s*****e because it was the last thing he touched. She grabbed me again and I thought she was going to hit me, but she just went to our room presumably to see if she got all her stuff.
Then she told me not to contact her again or she’d send her brothers to get me…. I won’t be a jerk and get the police involved, but that was definitely a threat.
I’m so heartbroken… I’ve lost my whole life. For two whole years, she was everything to me. I helped her get off her reservation, I paid for her GED. I did so much for her but none of it matters now.
I put so much time into our relationship and into her, I was in it for the long haul. I know I messed up. I know I’m a jerk I know I’ll be alone forever. Thank you all for making me see that.
I went to our room, and she threw what looks like porcupine quills or something everywhere.
She stabbed them into my side of the bed, put them in my shoes, in my dresser drawers. It seems spiteful to leave something so difficult to pick out of carpeting and bedding. They’re all I have of her now though. I’m going to keep them. I hope she’s better off without me. Lesson learned I guess.
Another User Comments:
“YTJ- she’s not coming back. You’re an intentionally culturally insensitive jerk. She explained why and how it was important to her, and you threw it away. It is completely irreplaceable, and not remotely like a shirt. I don’t understand how that’s not obvious. It has spiritual and cultural meaning, to compare it to an old shirt just proves how insensitive you’re being.
I almost guarantee she’s ghosting your butt, as you deserve.
ETA with that last update, put it in the mail. You need to carefully package it, as if it were a priceless artifact, and pay for shipping with tracking, insurance, and signature required. All the bells and whistles. Send it to her mom, that’s where she’s going.
And again, she’s not coming back. The calm as she packed tells all, she’s done. She’s past mad, sad, upset, and devastated, she’s done. She has nothing left to give to the relationship. She isn’t fighting because she doesn’t consider you worth fighting with or for. She has nothing to offer you, because by not respecting the culture she holds dear, that’s part of who she is, you didn’t respect her as a person.
Another User Comments:
“Just because something is cultural doesn’t mean that justifies it. Would it be okay if I kept all my fecal matter in a little bag because I thought it was special? It doesn’t and didn’t make sense.
OP was definitely TA before, but that comment left me speechless. How can he write something like this out and not think he’s a jerk?
Creating a hypothetical situation where he compares this situation keeping his crap cause it’s special shows just how ignorant he is.
At the end of the day, she doesn’t have to justify a cultural tradition to him, and the fact that he minimizes it and is suggesting that it’s a “small thing” to break up over… OP, get it together.
You dismissed your ex completely and continue to defend your disrespectful actions. It’s painful to read your responses to some of the comments in this thread.” bibien
Another User Comments:
“YTJ! I’m indigenous, my tribe is Hunkpati Dakota, and our people save the umbilical cord too. We put them in beaded pouches and keep them OUR WHOLE LIVES and they’re supposed to be buried with us.
They’re extremely important, and often times the pouch is made and beaded painstakingly by the person’s mother. You had no right to throw it away. Why was putting it in the basement not enough for you? Why wouldn’t you have told her you didn’t like it and/or asked her to put it someplace else or in something else?
You’re definitely the jerk.
Also, OP, stop bothering your EX gf and her family. You’ve done enough. Your disrespect has lasting consequences that can’t be fixed by selfishly asking her mom to just make another bag. It doesn’t work like that. Go to therapy and figure out why you’re like this.
They’re considered significant because they link us to our mothers, to Earth, and to the stars!
They’re sort of like charms, and they’re intended to bring good luck and a long, healthy life.
My people also believe that if you lose yours, or if your parents don’t save it, you’ll spend the rest of your life subconsciously looking for it. That’s why when a child is nosy or digs through other’s things a lot, people say that they must’ve lost theirs.
Some also say that if you don’t have yours for whatever reason, you’re more prone to bad spirits finding you and causing you harm and mental distress/illness.
I personally believe in it, because I never was able to have mine, and I used to dig through ALLLLL my grandma’s stuff as a kid. I never knew what I was looking for, just had the compulsion to dig in stuff lol.” DoomTaxi
10. AITJ For Pushing My Partner To Work Out Harder?
“I try and stay fit. Keep some dumbells and bench inside my house. Work out 5-6 times a week at home currently. I think it has started to rub off on her. She has joined past 3 days. Which I admire her for.
If you want to change your life, take action. She has. Props to her.
Today, was I working on my core. Push-ups, planks, sit-ups. 10 sets of 6 for all these, 60 reps. She joined a little late I’m my sets, I already had 40 reps done, I wasn’t going to make her do 60 reps. Told her just join in where I’m at.
I get my set in, she’s doing her pushups but only was able to do 4 legit ones. I didn’t say anything. Time for planks. I do my minute. Her turn. She only lasted 27 seconds, which again I didn’t say anything. Left it alone. Last one is sit-ups, I do my 10, her turn only able to 6 legit ones without moving feet.
This is where I say, ‘Whew, you have a long way to go.’ She said sorry, her energy wasn’t really the same after that.
After we actually get done with everything, she told me that comment made her feel bad. I told her, “I’m just trying to push you to work harder.” I get that everyone has to start somewhere but she isn’t overly overweight or obese.
When you ask or join me to work out I expect the same energy. Yes, it’s the thought the counts but also it’s the action too. You want to work out with me, I’m going to push you like how I would push myself. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Way to crap on someone who’s just starting out.
You’ve probably made sure she’ll never work out with you again. I hope you feel really good about how much better you are than her at something she has only just started doing.” DifficultCurrent7
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, she’s less experienced and knows that you can do more than her. She doesn’t need you to remind her.
Doing this could actually deter her from working out in the future, because now she thinks you’re going to scrutinize her progress.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“A good personal trainer would be like “okay let’s push for one more! You can do this!” Not basically “you suck right now.” Personal trainers are supposed to encourage you.
And they speak differently to beginners than to professional athletes.” Bookaholicforever
Another User Comments:
“YTJ- she’s obviously trying her best, and you’re pooping on her efforts. It’s not that she isn’t bringing the energy, it’s that she doesn’t have the experience or the baseline. It’s completely normal for someone who is getting into working out to not be at the same place as you are, like how would you expect her to actually be able to keep up with you if you’ve been working out for a while?
What you said was very inconsiderate and obviously made her feel like garbage.
If you actually want to push her, be encouraging instead of belittling. Say things like, “Keep it up, 5 more seconds, you’re doing great!” or “I know it can be tough getting started, but don’t worry it gets easier” and “nice job today, it’s awesome that you’re taking care of yourself and I’m glad we can do this together now.”
I get that what you said maybe closer to how you push yourself internally, but that just isn’t how you push people who you care about and who likely already feel insecure about the situation.” thesnackiest
9. AITJ For Rejecting My Woman's Wedding Guest Outfit To My Friend's Wedding?
“My (23M) partner (23F) are going to my friend’s wedding this August (if it doesn’t get postponed due to everything going on).
My partner likes to plan early and bought her outfit for the wedding already. It came in the mail today and I was surprised to see that it was a jumpsuit.
My partner is extremely attractive and she loves makeup and getting dolled up, especially for special occasions. I was surprised she wanted to wear pants to this wedding instead of a nice dress (she has plenty of dresses).
I have been to almost a dozen weddings in my life – I have a big family – and I have never seen anything as bizarre as this.
So I immediately told my partner she wasn’t wearing that to the wedding. She disagreed and said it was more comfortable and that it looked great on her (it didn’t).
Besides, she had already paid for it. I wanted to compromise so I said I’d buy her something else, but she declined. I told her that people will think she looks stupid. I wasn’t trying to be mean, but imagining my partner being the only woman in pants was making me cringe inside.
Don’t get me wrong – she always looks nice in her clothes, but this outfit was 100% a cry for attention.
My partner is very feminist-liberal, thinks gender norms are dumb, etc. I don’t think my friend’s wedding is the time to make a feminist statement, however, since all the attention is supposed to be on the bride and groom.
She wasn’t listening to me, so I got frustrated and said that if she wanted to wear it then she wasn’t coming with me to the wedding.
She then escalated it into a huge fight and said that she was a grown woman, she could dress herself, etc. I said yes, but this is a formal event and she has to dress appropriately.
She locked herself in the bedroom and hasn’t come out for hours. I’m super angry – there was an easy solution that she ignored and she refused to see my side of things.
I’ve been exiled to the sofa. AITJ for wanting to veto my partner’s wedding guest outfit?”
Another User Comments:
“If wearing a dress to a wedding is such a big deal for you then you wear a dress. Who the fudge are you to control what your partner wears?? You sound like an utter control freak, and a drag to be around.
YTJ and I hope your gf drops your cry baby, controlling, insecure a*s. Grow up and stop worrying about what people think (not that anyone would give a crap anyway).” BlueGhettoValentine
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Is this even real? It’s 2020…wearing pants to a wedding is hardly a feminist statement. This sounds like the premise of an extremely dated sitcom, where even decades ago the man was was found to be in the wrong.
Pants and jumpsuits can be formal. You can’t control what your gf wears. What is even more funny and ironic is that this bruh literally googled “wedding guest jumpsuit” and this came up…which should indicate to him that it’s normal wedding attire. It came up in a search for weddings…his head is so far up his butt.” Darth_GlowWorm
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. So I immediately told my partner she wasn’t wearing that to the wedding. I’m super angry – there was an easy solution that she ignored and she refused to see my side of things. Please have some self-awareness. You’re allowed to be furious because she didn’t agree with you, but when you don’t agree with her, she’s not allowed to be furious?
You’re obviously upset because she didn’t do exactly what you wanted her to do. Your “easy solution” is “do exactly as I say.” Also, nobody is going to give a crap if your partner is wearing a romper at the wedding except you.” Woot45
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. First off, if she was doing it to just make a feminist statement I might say she was also TA, but given that picture, that outfit it absolutely appropriate.
And if she likes it and feels good in it she should wear it. Even if it were hideous she should be able to choose what she wants to wear, as she’s right, she’s a grown woman and you are not her keeper.
Second, you were totally rude and insensitive by saying everyone would think she looks stupid.
That’s not true, you have no way of knowing, and regardless, again, if it’s what she wants to wear it’s nobody’s d**n business.
Get over yourself. Honestly, I think she should break up with you because controlling clothes is a huge red flag.” hypotheticalparallel
8. AITJ For Telling My Girl She Needs To Pay Me For My AirPods I Left In The Laundry?
“All started yesterday, I get home from running outside, threw my sweatpants on the floor.
About 30 minutes later, she walks into the room and says she’s going to start some laundry. Asked what I needed and told her, then she asked if the pants on the ground were dirty, said yeah. Without even thinking I left my Airpods in the pockets.
She started laundry, which I’m thankful for but she didn’t check my pockets at all.
So after it’s done washing she comes into the room saying my headphones got washed. I asked her which pair (I have wired and AirPods), she says my AirPods. That’s where I got furious. Told her “How can you be so clueless to not check pockets before washing?” She said, “I’m sorry it was an honest mistake.” I replied, ” I’m sure it was but your mistake cost me $250″
I told her I need $250 right now no excuses. She gave me an excuse saying, “I don’t have $250 just to giveaway right now.” I replied, “That’s not my problem.” Kept saying she doesn’t have it right now. Told me that right now, she doesn’t a timetable on when she will be able to pay me back.
Also thinks, “I’m not trying to work with her and being overly rude about the situation, and it could be handled a nicer and better way than I have.”
If this was a job and you cost them. they would fire you and make you pay them back but there are no expectations here just because I’m her man, in my honest opinion.
Another User Comments:
“L**o YTJ OBVIOUSLY. She’s clueless? You’re an adult. YOU forgot to take them out of your pockets. Come on now. Way to blame someone else for your mistake.
Then you’re demanding it now and comparing it to a job? HOW is that the same? What’s wrong with you?” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“I do the laundry. I never check pockets. I occasionally wash things because my SO forgets to take things out. I have ruined irreplaceable things. NEVER has he reacted like this A***e. YTJ dude. It was a mistake. An accident. Move on. If you’re the kind of jerk to demand the money for replacement AirPods over a mistake, you are really more jerk than she should be putting up with on a regular basis.
That is not loving or supportive.” sbnao
7. AITJ For Telling My Girl She Won't Make It In The Modelling Industry?
“Just the other day, I was looking at some fashion magazine which I helped produce.
My gf walked into my room (we’re sheltering-in-place together), struck a pose, and asked how she would fare if she was a model.
Since I work in the young n’ steamy n’ hot n’ attractive sector of the modeling industry (lots of skimpy clothing, bikinis, shirtless buff men, etc), I told her she’d never make it anywhere in my expertise cause she’s not conventionally beautiful, but that’s what I love about her (especially her flat chest and small height).
Then I added that I don’t know about other areas of the modeling industry, and she’d probably be accepted somewhere out there since it’s a big industry.
Now, she’s passively-aggressively mad/dejected at me and glares daggers. She also burnt my dinner, while I noticed her dinner was cooked golden. Obviously, I screwed up, but even then.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Oh my god YTJ. She was being cute and joking around and you chose that moment to be “honest” and tear her down. And listing that stuff about her flat chest and things like that might have given her insecurities she didn’t even have to begin with. Essentially what you replied is “No, you wouldn’t because the world at large doesn’t think you’re beautiful.” Of course, she’s hurt.” Kikospeaking
Another User Comments:
“Also, he was reading a fashion magazine, presumably filled with high fashion models who tend to be narrow and waif-like with SMALL breasts. So what is he even talking about by saying her being flat-chested would stop her modeling?
Even if he works in the ever so steamy, hot n young thang bikini department, even most Victoria’s Secret models have very small chests.
Look at Kendall Jenner, Candice Swanepoel, and Stella Maxwell.
Even for height, Lily-Rose Depp is 5’3, Sophia Richie is 5’6, and bikini models tend to be shorter than runway models.
This guy is terrible at his job and has no industry awareness, just like he has no social awareness!” tangledgreenivy
Another User Comments:
“Oh my god YTJ.
She was being cute and joking around and you chose that moment to be “honest” and tear her down. Yes, this is the key point. Now, if SO had seriously been like, “I am considering modeling, do you think I would be successful?” that would be the time for an honest (though probably still kinder) assessment of how she fits the standards in his particular area.
But this? Cute flirting? You say, “Babe, you’d be the hottest girl in the magazine” and move on.” LF3000
I am legitimately sad for her.
6. AITJ For Confronting My Partner's Online Appearance And Presence?
“So my (21M) SO (20F) and I have been together for 3 years and live together. She’s always been kind of alternative. Even when she was a preteen there’s photos of her all decked out in her emo wear, and she’s always stuck with the look. I’m not against it either, I actually think it’s a really cool look on her.
Through the years, it has kinda faded away since she entered professional jobs and things. She’s had to ditch the hair dye and the goth clothes and piercings. That was until she lost her job last month like a lot of other people. She then realized, no job means more expression, which is great!!
I love her being able to express herself, but here’s where my issue lies.
She’s making drastic changes at once. She started wearing all her piercings again (she has a lot), she cut/dyed her hair two-toned, ordered tons of new clothes which are kinda revealing, got out her old clothes too, and even ordered lots of new makeup.
It was all A LOT.
She then found out that on TikTok, there’s a community of alternative ppl who are into all of the same things she is. So she started posting there. Her content consists of funny vids, dancing vids (like the viral TikTok dances), videos surrounding her aesthetic, etc. Her vids were pretty good and she basically blew up overnight and gained 60k followers in the span of like 2-3 weeks.
She was so excited and I was too! But here’s where I may be the jerk.
I told her that it’s a big change and I want her to slow down and just take a breather. At first, she was confused, saying things such as, “Well when you met me I was just like this” and “You know this is the style I like”, etc. to which I said, “Yes but you also weren’t parading around for everyone to see.
It’s a lot to handle.” She just walked off. She seemed really offended.
That night she asked what I meant and I said, “Well you’re showing everyone your small outfits and everything. How do you think you got those followers?” and she was mad. She asked if her vids were intimidating me and I said, “When every man is throwing themselves at you because they’ve all seen your body how could I not be?” she said that I’m being insecure and degrading her, to which I said that she’s basically degrading herself by what she does online.
It’s been two days. She’s barely spoken to me. She’s really mad at me and even her sister called me and told me what a knuckle head I was. And I admit I shouldn’t have let it escalate but I don’t think I’m in the wrong for wanting her to calm down all these changes and for wanting her to change her content a little.
AITJ?
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. she’s flourishing and you’re mad about it. Either stop being mad and let her get the bag, so to speak, or leave her and stop dragging her down. She’s very clearly cooler than you. Stop pushing your luck.” hedgeh0gburrow
“She’s flourishing and you’re mad about it.
This is totally what’s going on. In my alternative-dressing days, I had a (non-alternative) BF who didn’t have one single problem with how I presented. Until, that is, I started to get attention from other people for it. And I don’t just mean flirtatious attention, I mean literally just making friends with people who were into similar things.
I got a larger social circle and really came out of my shell. He hated it, and clearly considered it a threat. He basically didn’t want to ‘share’ me. This has nothing to do with how she dresses, and everything to do with the fact he’s insecure in himself and lacks trust in her. OP: YTJ and you need to grow up.” DoofWarrior47
Another User Comments:
“Yes, YTJ. Your problem isn’t actually with how quickly she’s “changing,” as you tried to make it seem, but with how she’s choosing to express herself online. You’re trying to control her because you don’t like that she’s wearing revealing outfits that other people see. She’s not degrading herself, you’re just being misogynistic because you’re threatened. If you can’t handle a bad witch then don’t date one.” tiredgorl2349
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – I think her style of clothing and her appearance is her decision, and hers only. Especially after something as dramatic as losing her job (where she “had” to wear more professional clothes), she might have realized that she had sacrificed too much of her personality and style for her job.
Think of how some girls change their appearance with makeup, haircuts, hair dye, and by working out to lose a lot of weight after a serious breakup. I think telling her to slow down and take a breather was completely fine and understandable (especially if you think she’s doing to cover up the fact that she was really upset about losing her job), but what you said afterwards was unacceptable: “Well you’re showing everyone your small outfits, parading around for everyone to see, how do you think you got those followers?!”
You are degrading her. You said yourself that there are a lot of people like her on TikTok, they like her content, her style, her personality – not just her body! You aren’t in the wrong if you are concerned that her changes are happening because she’s trying to cover up how upset she is, but telling her that she got all of her followers from wearing revealing clothes was unacceptable.
You just caused her to doubt the reason for all her fame, probably made her insecure, and took away all the happiness she got from her new TikTok fame. You should’ve supported her, especially since this was a good thing that happened to her after she lost her job. I get that situations can escalate, but this was extremely rude and you should apologize (if she even wants to talk to you).” Luna_and_River
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Also you seem just a wee nubbin insecure and incredibly jealous. This is not a good look.
You have no right to police anyone’s look, under any circumstances. I bet there’s a bit of a “nice guy” in there too.
You could salvage this by acting like an adult and talking with your GF about your insecurities and understanding that it is not her responsibility to fix that – only you can.
You might also want to consider making an appointment with a therapist to help you get a handle on owning your own stuff.” notyourmom1966
5. AITJ For Wanting My Partner To Include Me In The Dedication Section Of His Book?
“My man of 5 years has many great traits, but the one very weird quirk is that he’s convinced OJ Simpson didn’t do it. He’s seen every documentary and mini-series and still thinks OJ is innocent.
His explanation of who he thinks did it is probably even crazier than other OJ truthers, but he’s not a conspiracy theorist other than this so I mostly let it go. He spends a lot of time reading about and watching OJ related content and it’s just become a hobby that I ignored.
He recently self-published a book, unrelated to OJ. It’s just science fiction. I read all his drafts and helped him edit. Perhaps narcissistically I thought I would be the person to whom he dedicated the book. It wasn’t until I ordered it that I opened it and saw it was dedicated to freaking OJ.
Now I know it’s his right to do whatever he wants but I wouldn’t have been upset if he dedicated it to his mom or something. But he’s never met OJ. He said he hoped the book would go big, people would buy it and be thrown off by the dedication (which talks about OJ being innocent) and this would “open the Pandora’s box” to the world.
I asked him why not just write a book about OJ then and he said because it would be harder to market given that he wasn’t involved in the case and isn’t in law. So his hope was to write a science fiction book (seemed odd to me because he’s not usually a writer) that would “be the next viral novel” with the secret agenda of highlighting OJ.
He also was hoping OJ himself would see it.
I’m aware OJ isn’t even in jail. My man acts like he is. He says even if OJ is “free” he’s not truly free because people only know him as “that man who killed his wife” and not as a great athlete.
He’s telling me none of this affects me so I’m in the wrong to be so offended. But come on….this just feels like delusion and it makes me angry that I helped him edit a book that turned out to be some OJ-related secret plot.
Another User Comments:
“I wouldn’t be upset. Definitely perplexed and entirely convinced of his insanity, but not upset.
If he wants it to go big, putting a dedication to OJ Simpson is probably not the best idea. That’s like writing a fantasy novel and putting “Dedicated to my hero, Timothy McVeigh. He was right about modern society” on the first page.
A surefire way to put anyone who was interested off lol.” BigDill1994
Another User Comments:
“OP, you’re absolutely NTJ, but your bf is idolizing a serial domestic abuser and murderer, and he’s concocted a story to support his obsession that is frankly straight up bananas–and dangerous. This delusional thinking, and his love for an abusive murderer, are huge flashing signs of an unstable and potentially dangerous person.
And the dedication, and the writing a book in the hopes he’ll be famous enough that OJ will see it and..? Want to meet him? Want to hear how he was framed by the Clintons and the LAPD? Your bf has built an awful lot of his life around this murderer, and in the case of this book, totally ignored you and your contributions to its making, and to his life, in favor of a love letter to said murderer.
How many red flags do you need before you get out and away from this guy? (Preferably while he is out of the house, for your own safety).” rk_reddits
Another User Comments:
“Dude. You helped him out with this book and received no thanks. On top of that, this man is obsessed with the idea that OJ didn’t do it despite the fact that OJ wrote a book that basically says “I did it”.
Is this ungrateful/crazy man worth it? I know you say it’s just this one thing but it also seems to be his main obsession that he thinks about all the time. Idk man, he sounds like an OJ conspiracy theorist to me.
Edit. Just saw more about his politics and stuff. That dude is crazy, sorry.
Also, I know you say “as long as he’s not a bigot” those types of people aren’t exactly bigots but they do discriminate and hate.” possiblecook
4. AITJ For Getting Mad At My Girl Because She Didn't Set Up Her Room Like Mine?
“I (22M) started my partner (21F) in January. Unfortunately, I had to move about 3 hours north of her for work reasons.
We’ve been continuing long distance and it has worked out very well.
She had to move in back in with her parents due to but moved into her parent’s office to have her own private space to do school work (she used to share a room there with her sister).
We were texting while we were setting up our new rooms and I mentioned how I thought it was cute we were doing this together.
I made a point to her of putting my bed near an outlet so that I could charge my computer from there so I could always video chat her while I was in my bed.
I was video chatting with her last night and she mentioned having to leave her bed to plug in her computer soon.
I got very frustrated just because she knows I like the feeling of video chatting her while we were both in bed. I was like “didn’t you understand that when I mentioned I was positing my bed towards an outlet I wanted you to do that as well?” She got very offended and started crying about how I have no right to tell her how to set up her own room and that she can video chat me fine from her desk.
I was like, “Well you know how important it is to me we do this from bed so it can feel like we’re laying down next to each other”, she said I was being ridiculous and hung up the call, she hasn’t spoken to me all day.
I truly feel like I totally have the right to be angry that she’s ignoring what I said was important to me but I’d just like to confirm that.
AITJ?
Update: I bought her an extension cord and she started talking to me again.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – it sounds like you have serious control issues, I honestly doubt that something like this is the first time you’ve been controlling over something small. I can’t blame her for not talking to you all day, and honestly, I wouldn’t blame her if she just keeps not talking to you forever.” bashar_al_assad
Another User Comments:
“Yup, OP she can put her bed anywhere she pleases. If you’re like this when she lives several hours away from you I’d hate to think what you’d be like if you lived with her!” tiredovercaffeinated
Another User Comments:
“In fact, we can NOT put our beds anywhere we please.
Most rooms have some sort of a design to them, there are doors and windows and usually, one wall is left plain so you have your bed there, sometimes two walls are left like that so you can put a wardrobe or a study table etc. Most of the time these walls would have an outlet for this specific reason, but depending on the house wiring the said wall may not have it.
To cut it short, the girl may just not have had the option to put the bed near an outlet. Or maybe she did, but the sun strikes too hard at that spot early morning or a dozen reasons.
The OP is a massive YTJ.” dreamsdo_cometrue
3. AITJ For Trying To Protect My Babies From My Ex And His Partner Who Think I'm Their Surrogate?
“I [29F] dated a guy Joe (30M) for 3 months before he left me to go back to his ex Kim (30F). Right after we broke up, I found out I was pregnant and now I’m at 24 weeks.
I let him know and he was ecstatic. Turns out his partner had fertility issues and would likely never be able to get pregnant naturally and he has always wanted to be a father. Getting back together was out of the question for both of us so he’s still with his partner.
Joe was only allowed at the initial appointment because of the current times, and we found out I was having twins.
According to Joe, when he told Kim, she had a mental breakdown about her infertility and wanted to talk to me. I met them at their house and Kim stated that she wanted to be involved in my pregnancy because she would eventually be the children’s stepmother. She started telling me that I needed to do a home birth, that I needed to formula feed so that they could have the babies half of the week, that she wanted one boy and one girl, and that she wanted the kid to call her Mama since they would be calling me Mommy.
I shut her down and said I would make the best choices for my children and my body and I left.
Kim continued to be overbearing and text me every day about my eating habits, exercise habits, and complaining about how her job wouldn’t let her take maternity leave. At the genetics counseling appointment, she attended instead of Joe and took over the whole meeting trying to talk about her family history which wasn’t relevant.
When it came time for my 20-week, level 2 scan, they allowed me one guest and Joe suggested I take Kim instead of him, which I refused to do. Joe did end up coming and he found out the gender because I wanted to keep it a surprise for me so we could throw a gender reveal party.
I put a pregnancy announcement on my social media and then she put up an announcement saying they were expecting twins “the non-traditional way” and how blessed she was. I was irritated but I kept my mouth shut. Then she threw a gender reveal party and posted it on social media. I wasn’t even invited. She also announced that she’s having a baby shower.
I commented on her posts and told her to stop treating me like a surrogate, that the kids weren’t hers, and that Joe didn’t have any claim or custody of the kids until they are born. I then called Joe and reiterated all of this and stated that I would not be seeing either of them until we went to family court and that my mother would be my birthing partner.
He and Kim and some of her friends and family are saying I’m a jerk and her mother even called and insisted I give her one of my babies like this is the Parent Trap? So AITJ?
EDIT: I’m definitely getting a lawyer ASAP. Y’all have scared the crap out of me but I’m happy you did.
UPDATE: I never considered that this could’ve happened on purpose. We used protection because I do not react well to hormonal birth control and I had to wait to get a non-hormonal IUD because of other medical issues. The Thursday I posted this, I went to the police and they stated that there was nothing they could do because a crime hadn’t been committed. In my state, orders of protection are criminal, so I was able to get one against Joe.
On Friday, I did get a lawyer and they let me know in my state there was nothing I could do as far as custody before the babies are born, so I will be leaving my state soon to ensure that this isn’t my babies home state and I can’t be charged with anything.
However, someone sent this post to Kim and she came to my job, damaged my car, and broke a bunch of office windows. I work with kids so she was arrested for not just the criminal damage and trespassing but also child endangerment so hopefully, that works in my favor. Also if Joe did it on purpose, I don’t think Kim knew, because she was screaming at me about how I stole her life and everything I had was supposed to be hers.
Update: I have orders of protection against both Kim and Joe. I left the state anyway and Joe and Kim started harassing me again because there’s no legal jurisdiction when you leave the state, but I have enough evidence that I was able to press charges in my current state as well and will be pursuing a restraining order here.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. OP you need to move as in yesterday. Get a lawyer. Establish residency in another state and document everything. Don’t put him on the birth certificate, don’t give those babies his last name. Make them fight for everything. Cripes. I cannot believe the audacity of your ex, his GF, and that family.
In case I wasn’t clear…. Move move move now!” Thisissofie
Another User Comments:
“Absolutely NTJ. It is excellent that you are getting a lawyer, but you should really get out of state while you are still free to do so without a lot of legal entanglements. Do not list Joe on the birth certificates, either.
Don’t make it easy for them. This is a dangerous situation. Screenshot everything, keep all communication. Text and email only. And tell everyone you trust what is happening. You need witnesses. Stay safe and well.” wenpar9292
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They both regard your twins as theirs and will be going to court to get custody as soon as the babies are born.
They’re a couple and if they’re married or planning on it and you’re a single mom, the judge may well agree they should have full custody. Get a lawyer ASAP. You need help with this. Cut all contact with Joe, Kim and her family and friends. Document every phone call they’ve made, every video, announcement, etc.” No_Proposal7628
2. AITJ For Telling My Roomie She Was Being Rude To Men Online?
“So my (28M) roommate (23F) gets random men messaging her and asking her for dates or to “lavish her” pretty often, maybe three times a month. I’m holding the text messages she took for my partner because they are good friends and my partner loves to laugh at her antics with internet men.
Last night, she got a message from a dude which started with,”Hi I’m (his name). I live in Massachusetts and I want to get to know you sweetie.” She said, “Hii sorry I’m not interested. I’m working on my schooling right now, and my partner is deployed (he is, and he’s coming home next month), but thank you for your time messaging me.”
He then went on to say, “Well a real man wouldn’t just leave his Queen for a desert flower. I can make you feel good baby.” She said, “I bet you’re a great guy but I already have a great guy and I love him a lot so I’m sorry but I’m not really interested.” He said, “Fine but go to the man who will leave you for years.
It is women like you that make men have trust issues. Talking to a random man on the internet makes you a hoe. I can’t wait till he comes back and breaks your heart for two-timing him.”
She then said, “1. Talking is not being unfaithful and 2. Maybe if you weren’t a creepy dude who messages girls online, you would find yourself a queen.” He told her that all the women were at home so it’s the only way to find girls, and said, “You’re lucky that I messaged you.
I have a well-paying office job and you could have chosen an easy life.”
Instead of blocking him, she took it one step further. She said, “I’m sorry sir but no women are not at home. They are out and about and have lives. This isn’t the 1950s. And since clearly, all the women you work with have already rejected you, you can add my name to the list as well.
Good night and have a great time trying to find a woman to put up with your crap,” and then she blocked him.
I asked why she didn’t just block him from the beginning and she said, “I’ve gotten so many of those messages since I was sixteen, I know when a guy will not let up if you don’t message back, or when if you block this account, you’ll get another in the next 5 minutes.
Sometimes, instead of blocking 20 different accounts made by the same person, it’s easier to knock them down a peg than to deal with all the different accounts.” I told her she was being rude by doing that and she should be nicer. Her response was, “If you were a girl, you would understand. Go ask (my partner’s name).
She gets his messages all the time too. These guys don’t let up and they can be ruthless, mean and annoying. Sometimes like a dog, you just got a bite them on the ear, it’s the only way some of them learned a lesson.” I told her no, she was just being a bee with an itch because she could be and these men were people too.
That’s when she got up and went to her room and now this morning she’s giving me the silent treatment and so is my girl. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Let me get this straight:
-
She gets messages from guys
-
She politely tells them she’s not interested/ happy to chat as friends
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The are belligerent and persistent.
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She is worried if she blocks them they will just keep harassing her from new accounts.
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They still persist, are offensive and misogynistic.
-
She calls the guys out on it…
And your conclusion is she’s the bee with an itch!
What makes you the jerk is that you’re dismissive of her experience, you basically say she’s making it up.
You need to evaluate where that thinking is coming from. You don’t get to tell her you know more about her experience of life and being a woman than she does.
And you’re putting the responsibility for these guys messages on her – she’s in the wrong because she didn’t handle it the way you thought she should.
Try walk a mile in her shoes and see how you would handle it.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“Massive YTJ and I’m (26f) somewhat satisfied that both she and your gf are ignoring you now. Maybe you should take their silence as time to reflect on your actions.
If she had just ignored the guy, she still would have got abuse.
She tried to politely shut it down and he was incredibly rude to her, so why should she be polite at that point? People like this continually get away with their behaviour, and she’s right – sometimes you’ve got to bite their ears!” peeved151
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I think it’s important for you to explore why it was such a struggle for you believe a woman telling you about her lived experiences, and why you felt you needed to insist that your way to handle this is the only way to handle this.
Women have been conditioned from early ages how to diffuse situations with men, often for the safety of their lives. And on a smaller, but exhaustingly frequent scale, also with rude catcalls. To have a man respond, “Nu-uh that doesn’t happen” or “why don’t you just….” it’s adding insult to injury.
And this isn’t adding insult to your injury here OP, but it honestly would be like a college freshman trying to tell NASA how to get the rocket in the air using helium.
Yeah, everyone knows the general idea is to get the rocket in the air and the college student may have a suggestion… but is it really relevant? Is it helpful? And isn’t it insulting that this college student doesn’t really know what he’s talking about, to NASA, the people who deal with rocket launches all the time???
It sure would go over a lot better if the college student stayed in the room to learn things and support the team instead!” SaliciousSapphic
Another User Comments:
“L**o. YTJ. Are you joking? This made me laugh but it’s actually really depressing. You think her choosing a tactic for handling these men that includes some harsh words is worse than blatant abusive misogyny?
She let him down gently, twice. He came back increasingly aggressive so she went to her protocol and when you asked she explained her reasoning. Congratulations! You are now officially on her (& every other woman who knows you & about this) list of men that may not actively abuse but can’t be trusted. When men wonder why women don’t tell them about abusive men, this is why.
ETA: I saw where you talk about this being a sincere question and you understand why your response was v messed up.
I suggest talking to her about how you’re working on becoming a good ally to women. Thank her for taking the time to share some of her experiences and explain her actions. Apologize for getting it wrong.
Welcome her to tell you more or let you know if you act ridiculous again but that you know it’s not her responsibility, it’s your personal journey.
Find respected feminist thinkers and listen to them. It can be hard to hear an unfiltered version of how women feel about men who act misogynistic (and the unfortunate abundance of bad behavior) but it’s a good way to learn quickly what the general issues women face are.
Women, like men, aren’t a monolith and we don’t always agree with each other but there are definitely some things basically shared and agreed upon.
Looks like you’re able to not take things too personally and want to be the best man you can be. I wish you well.” [deleted]
1. AITJ For Charging My Girl To Sleep Over?
“I (28M) have been with my girl (22F) for about a year now and things have been going really well up until recently. We live in separate apartments and were spending about one night a week together at my place, but recently it has turned into three or four nights a week.
Now, don’t get me wrong… I love having my girl sleepover and I could even see us living together one day… However, when I asked her to start paying $24 each night she stays over, she got really upset. I explained that all of my utility bills have gone up significantly since she started staying over more and that $24 for one night in an $1800/mo apartment is a great deal. Heck, I wish I got to live in my apartment for that little.
Anyway, she and her friends think I’m being unreasonable and her friends are telling her to dump me. I really love her and don’t want to lose her, but I’m afraid of ending up in a relationship where bills aren’t split equally and I don’t want to be with someone who just sees me as a meal ticket.
I think it’s reasonable to ask her to help pay for things now that she’s spending more time at my place, but maybe I’m wrong… AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“But… he’s giving her a great deal.” Banana_havok
Another User Comments:
“Excuse you? Did you overlook that he doesn’t want to be seen as a meal ticket?
For the low, low, low price of only $24 bucks a night, this lady gets a warm bed, food, utilities to use, a man she gets to call her partner AND maybe even if they aren’t waiting. Tell me what hotel I can get all that for 24 bucks here in California! Seriously, this hurt to read and I can’t even imagine trying to have charged my SO to stay over when we were seeing each other.
lol. YTJ OP.” Sarothias
Another User Comments:
“I feel like that’s more when there are other roommates and it’s someone posting, like, “my roommate’s SO is here 4 nights a week and she eats food from the communal fridge and takes 2-hour-long showers and monopolizes the TV in the shared living room and doesn’t pay rent, AITJ for setting a one night a week limit?” And everyone’s like, nope, that’s how it should be, you didn’t sign up for a 5th roommate.
Whereas if someone lives alone, which it seems OP does, it’s not really an issue to have their partner over as often as they want, because presumably, they want to have their partner over. My partner lives with his cousins and I chip in for the bills when I stay there over uni breaks, but I’d never charge him if I was living alone and he was staying over, and vice versa.” villanelsy
Another User Comments:
“I think GF needs to look at this as a business opportunity. “OP, you’re putting a lot more wear and tear on my body now that I’m sleeping over three or four times a week. I mean once a week was fine, but I’m having to spend a lot more time and in “down south” upkeep, so you’re going to have to start paying a usage fee.” bananhammerdoux
Another User Comments:
“I mean why stop at that? She is likely using a lot of razors, makeup, hair products… Maybe going to a gym and keeping fit with a good (expensive) diet. Jewelry and clothes cost a lot.
I think having a SO should cost him at least 30$ a day regardless if he sees her that day or not.
Not to mention if they decide to have a kid. Renting that uterus for his spermgoblin will be expensive. I hope he has started to save for it already.” mandiko
Another User Comments:
“The “I’m being reasonable and she freaked out” Drives. Me. Up. The. Wall. I’ve experienced it so many times, both in relationships and in friendships or work.
It’s so completely dismissive of someone’s point of view (especially when they blame hormones…) and their own d***********y. You don’t get to just state you’re logical and you win. Emotions ARE logical. It’s how we were designed. Logically- you would understand that your partner has emotions and in order to make them happy (because presumably, you love them) you need to cater to those needs.
It’s an excuse to be selfish… also, so many people believe anger is not an emotion when it’s done by men. Arg.” BillyYumYum
