People Wonder If We're On Their Side In Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
18. AITJ For Saving Funds For Traveling Instead Of Helping My Cousin?
“My mother was always very hardworking but after my dad passed away we had a difficult time and were in a bad place financially.
We (my brother m19, my mom, and me w22) made little vacations but it was never really far away. But we dreamed about traveling to Iceland. We watched documentaries, we planned our trips and we even made posters out of photos from magazines.
It was our little hobby as a family. It was clear that we weren’t financially stable enough (yet) but it was our thing to dream about. 4 years ago I left home and went to study.
My mom got a better job and started saving funds for this trip (which I didn’t know – she wanted it to be a surprise for my brother and me).
1 year ago she gifted my brother for his birthday a trip to Iceland with her and me (which I was very surprised about but absolutely happy about).
She told us that she now has enough funds to book the flights (we had to decide the date) and every activity we dreamed of. Sadly and very shockingly she passed away soon after.
After a while, I talked to my brother and we agreed to do the trip when traveling is possible and we wanted to honor her by bringing something from her to her dream destination.
Now the problem: my cousin has struggled for a long time due to her partner. Now they have split and she (w26) lost her home (now lives with her parents) and he owned the car she was driving.
Her parents only have one car that my uncle needs for his work. She has a really hard time and I’m very sorry for her. Because it takes longer to get to her job by public transportation (30 minutes longer for each ride) – she needs a car.
She asked me to lend her the funds from my mother. The thing is – she asked for funds from a lot of people from our family in the past and she did not pay it back fully (sometimes nothing) ever.
I’m fearing that if we give her the funds and we will not see it ever again. And it’s something so special from my mother… I don’t know – I don’t want to give it away.
My brother also didn’t want it but now he (and I) get a lot of insults from our other family members. She told everybody that we don’t want to help her because we want to have a luxury vacation and how unfair this is.
Even my grandparents expressed their sadness about our behavior. I don’t know if it’s really the right or wrong thing not to lend her funds because we want to use it for vacation?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Do NOT loan this cousin funds or give in to family members’ pressure. You are both young and recently lost your mother. You have every right to honor her memory by going to Iceland as she wanted. If all these family members are so concerned about your cousin, they can pony up the funds.
And she doesn’t NEED a car—she luckily lives in a place that has public transportation. Sure, it takes longer—plus costs less than car maintenance. She can save up while using it to pay for her own car.
Go to Iceland and have fun—it’s a wonderful country with amazing geography and geology!” Zorkanian
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
That was money given to you by your late mother specifically for a family trip she was ultimately unable to make with you.
That is something very special. You are without any doubt entitled to keep those funds and honor your mother by taking the trip she intended to make with you and your brother, OP.
Even if you just had extra funds in the bank, your cousin still wouldn’t be entitled to it. She’s an adult responsible for her own finances and her wants are not more important or worthy than yours.
It’s not her funds so she can’t complain about it and the fact she is makes her the jerk. It also sounds like you have good reason to fear that you would never be repaid.
So keep your money, OP. I hope it’s a beautiful trip and you and your brother are able to reclaim some peace.” jetfuel_o
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your cousin’s emergency isn’t really an emergency.
So she takes public transport. Lots of people take public transport. Adding 30 minutes to her commute? So what. Read a book. Knit.
People might be more inclined to lend your cousin funds If she ever paid it back.
But she hasn’t. And your cousin has a profound sense of entitlement. She thinks she’s OWED your money because she WANTS it more. Which is utter nonsense. If you loan her that fund you will NEVER get it back.
It will be gone.
The folks who think you should give her funds? Where are they? Let them pony up the funds and I include your grandparents who have a sad. Why aren’t they honoring their own daughter’s wishes?
Why aren’t they running interference for you? Unacceptable.
Here’s how this would go with the cousin if she got a car – someone needs to help with gas. I need funds for insurance.
I didn’t maintain it now it needs to be repaired or replaced.
Your cousin is a sponge. There are people like that in life. They drift through believing they are more deserving than others.
Do NOT give up that money. Do NOT engage with your family about that money. That money is nobody’s business but yours and your brother’s.
Take that trip with your brother. No greater tribute to your mother than to take the trip of a lifetime.
Honor your mother’s wishes.
If your family genuinely cared about you and your brother, they’d feel the same.
Take the trip!
NTJ.” Advanced-Extent-420
17. AITJ For Serving Leftovers To My Husband?
“The division of labor in our marriage is old fashioned when it comes to cooking because my medically restricted diet means nearly everything has to be cooked from scratch.
I get allergic reactions as serious as a peanut allergy but to other foods that aren’t covered by ingredient disclosure laws. My husband Jim doesn’t have any food restrictions but he’s a picky eater.
Other than bacon he doesn’t really cook.
One thing that’s been a chronic problem in our relationship is he sometimes second-guesses me (and third-guesses) on topics he has no reason to question.
This incident started with a grocery store sale on blueberries.
We brought home an 18 oz clamshell of blueberries on Saturday (about half a kilo). On Sunday I hosted a friend and served her tea with blueberry crêpes. Later for dinner Jim and I had spaghetti with ground beef, tomato sauce, and garlic rolls.
There were leftovers. He likes spaghetti a lot more than I do.
Jim’s work schedule starts before mine so he didn’t see me use up the rest of the crepe pancakes this morning, using more blueberries as filling.
This afternoon I offered to fix his choice of blueberry cobbler or blueberry muffins for dessert.
He wanted both blueberry cobbler and blueberry muffins. When I told him there weren’t enough blueberries for both he tried to critique ‘We can’t have too many blueberries in the muffins.’ I replied that there were only enough blueberries for one or the other.
He responded with disbelief until he got a step-by-step account of where half the blueberries had gone. Then he started to settle for muffins.
At this point, I rolled my eyes and said I felt micromanaged. (This may be small stuff but it’s been 15 years of similar small stuff.
I’ve told him before it’s a corrosive habit). Tonight I said forget about the muffins and walked away.
Then I handed him leftovers and baked myself a mini quiche, plus marzipan truffles for dessert.
Jim was OK with spaghetti until he saw my meal. Now he’s miffed that I’m ‘wasting blueberries’ and ‘eating truffles in front of him.’ Nothing’s stopping him from washing and eating the blueberries but he says he didn’t dare go in there while I was busy.
The kitchen is free now; he still hasn’t gotten them. Those blueberries will keep until tomorrow.
(Please don’t suggest he should take turns cooking. I prefer the peace of mind of making my own safe foods.
A mistake would cause an ER trip. Just drawing this boundary around respect).
I got miffed he didn’t believe how many blueberries we got until I explained it four different ways. Admittedly I then made marzipan knowing he wouldn’t want any, but I never complain when he brings home foods I can’t consume.
He’ll be stuck eating spaghetti leftovers again tomorrow. Was it a jerk move to make myself a treat?
To clarify, Jim is welcome to cook for himself if he wants. I’ll even clean up.
Regarding the idea of him cooking for me, the global crisis has made that challenge harder. The FDA changed a rule in 2020 and now allows manufacturers to substitute small amounts of many ingredients without an ‘other natural flavors’ statement or any named disclosure.
All of the foods that cause my allergic reactions fall in this loophole. Jim has forgotten about this change on several occasions while we’ve been shopping. It’s been on me to catch those mistakes.
He and I are both OK with me cooking for myself.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He can learn to cook if he wants to eat something special for himself or order in. My husband has some diet restrictions (nowhere near yours though) and I sometimes get sick of having to eat to his restrictions.
He tells me to let him know when I want to cook for myself and he’ll either eat leftovers, a salad kit, or get one of the few takeouts he can eat, so I can go crazy on something he can’t eat.
Spouses should be willing to be flexible and compromise! Also if your husband doesn’t cook, or apparently even ever look in the fridge or pantry he doesn’t get to have the attitude he does about said food/ingredients.” Savage_pants
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, but him far more than you. A big issue is that you have been married that long but don’t trust him enough not to feed you something you are allergic to, either he’s never cared to learn and doesn’t care about your health or you have major trust issues, either way, you both could probably use counseling.
You don’t always need to make new meals every night, leftovers are fine, but you seem pretty territorial about the kitchen.” QuinnBC
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Sounds like you need to and prefer to cook for yourself, so no need to change that.
Now your husband just has to decide if he would rather cook for himself, or ask for a daily count of blueberry consumption. His choice.
I would have lost my mind if I offered to make something and was told to make both – no thanks, my time is valuable.
And then to be questioned as to why there wasn’t enough of something to make both things – man, the blueberries would have gone sailing across the kitchen.
Tell your husband this is an important learning moment for him.
He either stops micromanaging the food and when you ask him to make a choice, makes one and doesn’t try and add more work, or he is in charge of his own food.” mfruitfly
16. AITJ For Telling My Wife The House Is A Mess?
“I (M, 36) am the breadwinner, my wife is a stay-at-home mom.
We have 3 kids so the house is a little too messy oftentimes. My wife does her best to keep up with the cleaning and keeping the house tidy and I feel for her, I really do so I told her she doesn’t have to clean up all the time since the kids are running up and down all day and making huge messes, I did tell her that she only has to make sure the house is clean when we have guests over and she agreed with me.
Well, the other day I brought over some friends from work and when I opened the door all I could see was an utter mess, food and toys and clutter everywhere. I was shocked I was embarrassed and just mortified that my friends saw my home looking like this.
Also, I have a couple of guys who came over for the first time so the first impression must’ve been horrible to them.
I took the guests into the least messy part of the house and my friends kept giving me weird looks and making indirect comments about the state of the home.
I was livid, I waited til they left then went into the bedroom to see that my wife was actually sleeping, I woke her up to ask why she didn’t tidy up the house knowing I was going to bring friends over.
She said she didn’t know but I sent her a text letting her know and she said she didn’t see it. I told her it seemed like she did see the text but decided to ignore it.
She said no but she wasn’t feeling well and had a headache so she thought of getting an hour-long nap. I told her that it was so embarrassing that the house looked like this when my friends came over and that this was avoidable had she cleaned up and prepared the house for the guests.
She argued that first of all, the kids are the ones causing this mess and second of all, it was my fault for not checking twice with her and making sure the house was ready for guests.
I thought that was ridiculous because she was basically blaming me for her own actions (or lack of) which I didn’t appreciate so much. I told her it was embarrassing and yes she gets part of the blame for the house looking like a complete mess and being out of control like that.
She called me a jerk then walked out of the room and avoided speaking to me about it insisting that I’m the one at fault in this situation.
Am I?
Edit: The reason I only texted was that this is our usual way of communication so it seemed unusual that she didn’t check her phone for any texts.
My kids are under 10 and my oldest is basically glued to her tablet and does nothing to help out.
My wife and I rarely argue about the guests coming over since we would at least have the living room ready any time someone shows up.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
You expected her to drop everything and thoroughly clean the house with 3 hours’ notice? You expected the kids to understand ‘Daddy is coming home with friends so no more messes!’ And not only did you expect those things, but you also did so without confirmation that your wife even saw your message.
Doing most things on a three-hour notice is improbable, let alone cleaning an entire house at the drop of a hat.
You may be the breadwinner but that doesn’t mean she owes you her complete obedience and to stop her world when you text her.
She’s busy taking care of YOUR children all day. I’m pretty sure if you did a single chore you would have mentioned it in your post, but you didn’t, so I’m going to assume that you take none of the responsibility for the housework, even though you live there too.
She’s not your indentured house elf servant, living to please you. She’s a human and deserves basic human respect, which is clear you aren’t giving her.” jetgirljen
Another User Comments:
“Yea, YTJ. You pop in with – what – an hour’s notice, and expect the house to be guest-ready?
And I bet you expected there to be snacks or something, too, didn’t you?
And you sent her a text. That’s great, juuuust great. A text she never responded to. Because she didn’t see it.
Ok, she had a headache. It happens. But she could have been running errands or any number of things and not even seen it, or seen it in time. You could have texted again or called. But you just expected her to jump.
You don’t say his old your children are. If they are little, they can do hurricane-level damage in minutes. And if they are older-then they can help keep the house in order instead of being the cause of chaos.
Well. Poor thing, you invited new people over to your house and you were embarrassed. Well. Let that be a lesson to you to not do that again. At least without a longer heads-up.
At least without confirmation from your wife that she got your precious text, and a discussion and an agreement. I roll my eyes.
This reminds me of an episode of Bewitched or something from the 1960s.
The husband would spring important business clients on the wife, as one does, and Samantha in a panic resorts to magic to tidy up. Hilarity ensues. Well, buddy, we don’t live in the 1960s and it’s not funny.” LuvMeLongThyme
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. She’s a stay-at-home MOM, not a stay-at-home CLEANER. They were your friends You could have helped clean the house the night before. You also gave short notice. She probably really did not see your text.
Even if she had, it was still your friend’s and your responsibility. None of your guy friends that have kids were judging as much as you think they were. You are the one blaming her for your actions (or lack of).
This is on you.
The way you talk about your wife is very disturbing. The whole ‘I told her she only has to…’ reeks of entitlement and misogyny. You are your wife’s husband and partner, not her parent.
You have no right to order her around. You are not in charge of her.
And fussing at your wife who has told you she has a headache and doesn’t feel well makes you even more of a jerk.” engineer2187
15. AITJ For Thinking Of Sending Our Dog To Daycare?
“I (29f) was recently promoted and part of that means that now I have to travel for work every fortnight. I live with my partner (29m) and we have a dog that we adopted 7 months ago.
I work from home most of the time but also based on me being office-based, but since the global crisis started my work has been fine with me working from home. My partner sometimes has to visit the site and his office, but the majority of the time he is working from home as well.
Partner is annoyed at me saying he can’t guarantee he will be able to work from home the 4 days a month I won’t be home. I suggested we try the doggy daycare near us, to see if that would work.
He thinks I’m the jerk for suggesting it. He thinks I should tell my manager I can’t travel that often and that I have prior commitments. But in my mind they can turn around and say technically I should be in the office every day and that I need to start doing that.
I might be the jerk because I’ve not tried going back to my manager about it, to me, it shouldn’t be that big of a deal for either him to work from home 4 days a month or for us to send doggo to daycare for 4 days a month.
He thinks I’m not taking our family into consideration and I’m wondering if he’s right.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, sounds like doggy daycare is a viable option for 4 days out of the month.
What happens when both of you are required to be in the office full-time? Sounds like he does not want the responsibility of taking care of the dog 4 days a month, but also doesn’t want other people to help.
He’s definitely the jerk with the ‘you’re not taking our family into consideration’ which he’s conveniently not applying to himself.” MauveAlong
Another User Comments:
“Oh God no. You should tell your manager that you can’t do your job instead of suggesting a loving and appropriate means of caring for your dog.
It almost sounds like your partner is unconsciously holding you back. Is he jealous that you got this promotion? Or maybe upset that you won’t be home with him as much anymore? It does kind of suck to be the one feeling left behind, so give him a pass, but do not go to your manager about this.
Doggie daycares can be wonderful places when they have a good staff.
NTJ” Total-Being-4278
14. AITJ For Attempting To Leave Only 12% Tip?
“My husband gave me a massage gift card worth $70 as a part of my Christmas stocking and I used it today. It was for an hour’s massage with hot stone.
The massage was meh and the hot stone, she literally just rubbed it in like a bar of soap and that was it. When she was massaging me she wasn’t gentle or careful.
She threw my arms and legs after she was done massaging them. I don’t know how to word it properly but she wasn’t a little bit gentle about it. And when she pulled my undergarment down to massage my back it was so aggressive and when she put it back I had a wedgy because again she pulled it up aggressively.
She also seems like she’s in a hurry while massaging me.
I wasn’t gonna say anything, I figured maybe she was tired already or she was having a bad day (it was 5:30 pm).
I was even thinking of going back but with a different masseuse to give the place another try because it’s the closest place to where we live and we just recently moved into the area.
When it was done, she was inside the room waiting for me while I was putting my clothes on. I figured she was waiting for the tip. I didn’t 100% enjoy the massage but I wasn’t gonna leave without tipping her.
When I was done putting my clothes on she went out before me and waited for me by the front desk. I gave the front desk a $20 bill and said change it and give me $5’s, please.
But instead, she gave me one $5 bill. So I clarified and repeated and I said break it for me please give me four $5 bills. I have another 3 $1 bills and so I gave her $8 since it wasn’t a very relaxing massage and it’s about a 12% tip.
They looked at me like I’d grown 2 heads and said no. I was like ‘huh?’. And the front desk lady said they have a minimum $10 tip. And I said well I’m giving her a Lil bit more than a 10% tip and didn’t say anything about the experience.
She looked at me with an annoyed smile and said ‘honey we work for tips here’.
I get that people expect tips when they render services but I was surprised that they have a required amount of tips.
And I was tipping based on the level of service that I got. I gave them exactly $10 then left. What if I only went for the $35 30-minute foot massage, then they require a $10 min tip?
Just not fair to me. I asked my American husband (I’m Asian) when I get home for his opinion if it was just ignorance on my part to try to only tip $8 and he said no. I had given like 30% tip before so it’s not like I’m trying to be cheap.
Massage is one of my fav thing to get and I always tip based on how the service was. In restaurants, we always try to tip at least 15% and go up from there.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
The fact you still tipped after the service was not the best is still very nice. 20% is the starting for good service usually so chipping off a bit for unlikable service but still tipping nicely makes you NTJ.
also sometimes the tips don’t fully go to the worker depending on the place (I worked at a pizza place and we couldn’t keep our tips and had to put them in the till until the drivers told me to just take them) so that could also explain the look and attitude from the desk lady.” maiiry
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here – the person providing your service cannot read your mind. That goes for hairstylists, make-up artists, handy people, contractors, etc. If you don’t like it you NEED to say something.
You suck for not communicating any of that because there are lots of people, myself included, that want a harder massage and softer stonework. They cannot account for your taste if they don’t know.
And they suck for the rest. They should really start softer and see if you like to go more intense.” rosecityrose0618
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and if someone treated me that way, I would post negative reviews about the place online.
The fact that they have a ‘minimum tip’ seems like an indication they don’t pay their staff sufficiently. If they work for tips there, then maybe their customer service should be better. I get that working for tips sucks and people can be awful, but it sounds like this place was unprofessional and I think leaving them any tip would be generous.” False-Guess
13. AITJ For Not Helping My Ex In Disciplining Our Daughter?
“I (41m) have a 13-year-old daughter ‘Mandy’ with my ex-wife ‘Jane’ (37f). I would say post-divorce we had a decent relationship and were cordial for our daughter’s sake but everything changed the day Jane started going out with her current husband ‘Tom’ (47m).
I guess she needed to prove to him that she was over me by becoming hostile because I for the life of me can’t explain what else could be the reason for her becoming so angry and refusing to follow the custody agreement anymore.
Because of my job at the time she had primary custody but I was supposed to get every other weekend and summer while we alternated Holidays. I had to take my ex to court twice and was just grateful that my former MIL was on my side and wouldn’t allow Jane to feed Mandy lies about me.
I tried to be patient and forgiving in the beginning but eventually, Jane pushed me too far and now I just handle her with cold aloofness and document as much as I can when interacting with her.
During the global crisis, Tom and Jane lost their respective jobs and were in danger of losing the house. Jane took me to court for more child support which I wasn’t going to fight but was mad when she didn’t get as much as she wanted. After the decree, I started getting suspicious because Jane and I have equal access to Mandy’s college fund so I decided to add in special protections and alerts.
I’m the primary on the account and Jane was just an Authorized-Signer.
Unfortunately, my suspicions were confirmed and I received a call from the bank about an attempt to take out $10,000. It was Jane, and I was annoyed. So annoyed that I went to Jane’s place and yelled and cursed at her.
I knew Mandy was out at the time so I thought I was in the clear but didn’t realize when she and my former MIL pulled up to the driveway. Mandy didn’t hear everything but she did learn about what her mom tried to do.
Mandy is now upset and acting out and when Jane tries to discipline her Mandy counters that she’ll just live with me and lose the child support Jane and Tom desperately need.
Jane is now asking me to help her put up a ‘united front’ but after what she did I’m not looking into doing her any favors.
However, my MIL thinks that allowing Mandy to play us against each other will end up hurting her. AITJ?
ETA: Ever since Mandy was 10 I’ve talked to her more than once about her living with me if/when she wanted to.
I say this because it feels like some people here believe that I’ve NEVER told Mandy that she could live with me if she wanted which isn’t the case. When the divorce first happened I wasn’t in a position to be a full-time parent because of my hectic work schedule but now I’m able to.
Because of my job, I live an hour away so Mandy would have to switch schools but a few people have pointed out to me that she may be able to finish the school year online so I will be looking into that
Jane has never put more than $100 at a time into Mandy’s college fund and it was only once every couple of months, which is one of the reasons why I was so angry at her since I’m the main contributor.
Only one attempt was made to take out the money and Jane claims that it was an accident and that she was trying to put $100 into the account but I don’t believe her.
Jane also says that since it was a one-time accident she doesn’t feel the need to apologize and is of the mindset that parents don’t need to give their underage children an apology.
While Mandy admits to mentioning the loss of child support as a threat once Jane keeps insisting that it’s happened multiple times and given her recent actions I don’t believe her.
Jane claims that Mandy is acting out by not doing her chores, not going to bed when she’s supposed to, ignoring Jane when she calls her, calling her and her step-dad ‘Losers,’ not cleaning up after herself, cussing and painting her nails (Jane doesn’t believe young girls should wear makeup, dye their hair, get highlights, or paint their nails).”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You can be going case by case with discipline issues. Your ex broke the trust between you as co-parents. You should point out to her that an unquestioned united front isn’t possible without that trust. However, you do need to be able to make agreements.
You can suggest that the ex contact you and you two make major discipline decisions together so that you can let the ex know what measures you support and will participate in. And you can offer to do the same.
Just say it’s going to take work and accountability to get back on the same page.
You can also suggest ex talk honestly with the kiddo about the attempted lifting of college funds, starting with an apology and listening to how this affected kid’s trust. They could do this in the presence of a therapist. Many parents don’t like being accountable to our children, but find out later that these breaches of trust really mark our kids and wreck our relationships with them when they’re adults.” Amiedeslivres
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If you can afford it and make it work, I would suggest sitting down with your daughter and discussing with her the same custody agreement my father made when I moved in with him at 14.
You get full custody (ex-wife is removed from college fund and everything else as well – really this needs to happen regardless), she gets whatever visitation your daughter desires, and you do not seek child support in return for her signing the agreement willingly.
The fact is she tried to rob your daughter of funds that were supposed to be for your daughter’s future, regardless of whether your ex put every dime of that 10k in the account previously or not.
She deserves nothing.
The living environment is clearly not stable for your daughter, either. If they are barely hanging on and reliant on your child support to scrape by, I would be concerned about the quality of life they can provide your daughter at this time.
Also, while you are under no obligation to ‘present a united front’ with your ex because she is firmly in the wrong, your daughter trying to run the house and threaten their finances to get her way is not a good development for her, either.
I hope you can determine and execute whatever is best for your daughter.” Fray_The_Pugilist
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Interesting how she asks for a ‘united front’ when it’s her in the fire, but she was only too glad to divide you and your daughter to suit her needs.
No, I don’t think you should. Mandy is getting to that age where the gleaming shiny exterior of her parents needs to be stripped away for the reality, and sometimes that reality is that one parent is a genuine parasite.
Just to be clear, Mandy isn’t playing anyone against anyone. After all, it would be her choice ultimately who she wants to live with depending on state laws and the state of family court in your region.
I’ll also add that she’s pretty much right that mommy dearest needs that child support to support herself more than her daughter needs her support.
At this point, it sounds more like you’re just not actively stopping Mandy, but not actively encouraging her either.
Inaction is sometimes the best action.” User
12. AITJ For Wanting To Send My Son To Therapy?
“Recently, my (F36) son (M12) came out to me and my husband (M38) as transgender.
We both have been I think pretty supportive. My biggest issue is remembering when to say son and when to say daughter since he isn’t out to everyone yet.
I personally am big on mental health checks, especially during a big change like this so I got myself a therapy appointment as well as one for my son.
I made sure to tell my son that it wasn’t because we thought something was wrong or didn’t support him but just because this was going to be a big change and a long process.
He has been to therapy before but not in a while but he still said it was okay.
I was talking to my mother (he is out to her) and was mentioning the therapy appointments and she was livid at me.
I tried to explain that it wasn’t because we were unsupportive but she didn’t listen and called my husband instead.
After they talked my husband came and told me we shouldn’t take him to the therapy appointment because people will think we are transphobic and hurting our son.
I personally think that idea is ridiculous because I don’t care what everyone else thinks I just want what’s best for him.
We argued about it for a bit and my husband ended up calling and canceling the appointment.
I called my SIL instead (since we are both pretty close to her) to ask her to help me convince him to let me take our son to the appointment but she agreed that I was the one being unreasonable.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s basically impossible for a trans minor to transition without therapy, and even if it was, few would recommend it.
Gender therapy helps with so many problems trans kids face.
Coping mechanisms for dysphoria, learning how to respond to transphobic in a safe environment, making a concrete plan of what they need and want from their transition, and generally a healthy environment where they can vent their stress from their struggle.
Being trans is difficult, whether you’re in the closet and pretending to be something you’re not, or out, and trying to be who you need to be.
It’s probably worth, in the future, being more specific about the therapy.
Specify that he’s getting help from a gender therapist. Of course, that’ll make the actual transphobes think you’re ‘converting’ him, but screw what they think.” ChaoticNeutralDragon
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your intentions to take her to therapy are totally reasonable, and actually very supportive.
As far as I know, teenage transgenders have a significantly higher risk of developing depression, which isn’t really surprising given that there’s still a huge part of society that doesn’t deal well with it.
Trying to give her as many tools as possible to deal with this situation and become a strong (teenage) woman is very caring.
Your husband, on the other hand, is at least very close to being a jerk here because what he’s doing is selfish, and not at all supportive toward your daughter.
He seems to be more concerned about wrongly being called transphobic than about the health of your daughter. Same with your SIL and mother.” Xendarii
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, therapy is a great idea.
The thing people seem to forget about therapy is that you don’t only have to speak to a therapist when something is wrong with your life, they’re great for all stages. Checking in, venting, maintaining healthy habits, etc. For such a huge change, and one that will absolutely have obstacles along the way, getting a baseline established early on is essential.
The main thing would be to make sure the therapist is a trans-friendly one.
As for the rest of the family, I think putting you under fire and canceling the appointment was a jerk move, but it seems their hearts are in the right place.
Just gather your thoughts and keep explaining to them in a kind manner why therapy is a good idea to keep things good from the start, rather than trying to fix a mental health decline (if one were to occur) later on with little to no history.” ShadyVermin
11. WIBTJ If I Make My Partner Choose Between Me And His Cats?
“I (26F) and my partner (28M) have been together for 2 years and we’re planning on moving in together. My partner has 5 cats, fully indoor and he lives in a very small studio apartment.
The problem is this, his place smells really bad due to the cat pee and pops even though he cleans the litter boxes every day. He had seven litter boxes for them placed in various places around his apartment.
His place is always in a mess due to his cats zooming around and tearing the place up /breaking things.
I recently bought a house, and we see moving in together as the next big step in our relationship so naturally, when he suggested moving in I agreed.
After growing up dirt-poor and not being able to afford anything, I want to have nice things and a home that is clean, safe, and nicely decorated.
Another concern of mine is that he behaves kind of ‘strange’ when it comes to his cats, some might even call it obsessive.
His home is lacking some major things that would make it functional, he’s always splurging on expensive cat Toys and claiming he doesn’t have the budget to properly equip his home.
I stay out of it because I am a guest, but seeing that this is someone who I’m planning to live with and start a family with one day this is something that I think will negatively affect me in the long run.
He even wanted to get more cats but I suggested that he didn’t and he dropped the topic.
I can go on and on about the strange behavior but that isn’t what this post is about.
Cat issues aside he’s a really good partner, I have already discussed all of my concerns with him but so far all his suggestions still involve him and the cats living together with me.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. I think chalking it up to incompatibility is fine. If he presses, you can gently show him this post. It kind of sounds like he’s not willing to change the way he parents his cats.
I understand needing more than 1 litterbox, but 7 for 5 cats in one bedroom is excessive.
Here are some quick suggestions: There are self-cleaning litterboxes and litterboxes hidden in furniture to minimize the smell. There are even litterboxes kept in fenced areas of the garage (think like toolbar grid fencing, not straight fencing) that cats can access through a cat door so the boxes aren’t even in the house.
There are also catios (outside cat patios) that you can build attached to the porch so the cats can climb up and be outside/stimulated and see the sun without ripping up everything.
There are professional pet dander cleaning services he can promise to pay for monthly. There are a lot of ways to compromise without getting rid of the cats.” iwantasecretgarden
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ.
You would be asking him to give up on a responsibility he freely took on to creatures that depend fully on him. Whether he can rehome them to a loving, caring home is beside the point.
Having pets is a responsibility that is a year-long commitment. It’s not a temporary deal that can be undone on a whim. Someone that is willing to just give up on this type of responsibility only because their partner wants them to is suspect, in my opinion.
Is moving in with you really a good enough reason to abdicate his responsibility when there isn’t a reason to? (This isn’t the same situation as losing a home, having medical issues, etc)
There are many other remedies and ways to figure out how to work around a cat litter issue other than ‘getting rid of the cats’. Better litter, better boxes, etc. If you just don’t want to live with cats, then there may be your answer.” rdtwlt
Another User Comments:
“You’re NTJ for being concerned about your needs vs your partner’s lifestyle and values, but it is always a jerk move to give someone an ultimatum. YWBTJ if you do this.
You’ve talked to him about your concerns and as a couple, you haven’t come to a conclusion that suits you. I understand that he’s a good partner, but there are plenty of good people in the world with whom you are probably incompatible for a serious partnership/commitment.
Being kind and decent doesn’t mean you should move in with him. His wanting to have 5 cats vs you not wanting this is a serious relationship red flag that requires you to make a major decision as to whether or not you can live with these cats.
If you can’t, it’s not okay to ask him to give them up. It’s simply time to respectfully end things.
On another note, I understand that you say he cleans the litter boxes every day, but I’m finding it VERY difficult to believe that this is a clean environment if the area constantly smells like poop and pee.
Some other red flags are his house being torn up. As a multi-cat owner, I can attest to the fact that if you do ‘the cat thing’ properly, your cats will not destroy your things or leave your house reeking of feces and urine.
It is possible to love one’s pets and still not be a responsible pet owner.” IntrovertedMuser
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ for asking him to get rid of his cats. You would not be a jerk, however, to tell him that his behavior around home cleanliness is a dealbreaker for you.
You should identify the very things you’re mentioning here – you’re worried about his ability to keep a clean, functional, decorated home. Getting rid of the cats won’t necessarily change his disinterest in having such a home, and that’s why it’s important to set standards for your home as a top priority for moving forward in your relationship.
Let him know: Until you can see a clear improvement in taking care of his own home, you won’t be sharing a home with him. And if you can’t share a home with him soon, you can’t continue in this relationship.” caz__z
10. AITJ For Being Tired Of Hearing About Babies?
“So everyone in my life it feels like is getting married or having babies or whatever. I’m in my early 30’s so I get it, but it’s getting obnoxious. For the most part, I just keep my opinion to myself but my close friends know I’m militantly child-free so my not giving a flying monkey about their babies shouldn’t be a surprise.
Anyways onto the issue, my closest friend got pregnant in the summer and I was devastated. I kind of thought she was in the same boat as me but obviously not. I’ll admit I reacted a bit poorly when she told me but it was literally months ago.
I noticed yesterday we hadn’t talked or hung out in like 4 months (not extremely unusual cuz we both get busy) so I asked her if we could go to a restaurant and catch up.
She said she was dealing with some major health stuff right now so she isn’t going out at the moment, cool I understand that, so I asked if maybe I could come over for tea or something and she was super dismissive like ‘It’s not going to be the best time for me for a while.’ So I straight up just asked her if something was up.
She told me she didn’t really want to hang out right now because she knows I don’t want to hear about any baby stuff. I told her to just talk about other stuff.
Like it shouldn’t be that hard. She’s still a person outside of being a spawn incubator right?
We argued a bit and she pretty much told me she isn’t in the physical or mental headspace to tiptoe around the fact she’s pregnant with me which I literally never asked her to do and she brought up again me mentioning terminating her pregnancy mostly jokingly and in reference to me – I was like ‘Oh geez I’d already be at a clinic’) months ago and said she just couldn’t handle the ‘negativity’ right now.
I told her she wasn’t doing anyone favors by turning into a mommy bot and to hit me up when she has a personality again which yeah was maybe a bit harsh but she literally was saying to me we couldn’t hang out because she couldn’t not talk about being pregnant, it seems harsh, but her own words pretty much.
I vented to some of our mutual friends about it and the reactions are split. Some say she’s overreacting and some have talked to her recently and not had it not be about pregnancy anyways so they don’t get her reasoning and others say I’m a huge jerk because she’s having major complications so it’s probably hard to just ‘turn off.’ Arguably though today was the first I’d heard of any complications so how would I have known?
AITJ for being sick of this?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
The way you talk about your friend… do you even like her?
People are allowed to talk about their pregnancies and children. Getting pregnant is a huge deal, of course, she wants to talk about it.
And she even said that she knows you don’t want to hear about it, so maybe you shouldn’t hang out for a bit. Referring to her as a spawn incubator (whether just on here or to her face, I don’t know if you said it to her in real life) is gross and super toxic and makes me think that you’re exaggerating how much she talks about her pregnancy.
You joked about terminating the pregnancy if you were in her position, your attitude comes across as very condescending, and you even state that you were devastated when you found out she was pregnant.
Seriously? You even said you reacted poorly. She has every right to take a break from you. You sound exhausting, and your behavior is toxic. This sub always recommends cutting out toxic people, and right now, that’s exactly what your friend is doing.
OP has a disgusting view towards pregnancy and pregnant women, and it sounds like the friend is sick of tiptoeing around them and sick of passive-aggressive remarks from them.
Grow up, OP.
YTJ.” Downtown-Law-3133
Another User Comments:
“Oh. I thought the child-free movement was about people having the right to make such decisions for themselves and that deciding not to have children shouldn’t mean being ostracized from society.
It wasn’t about hating children, but about respecting different lifestyles. Silly me.
YTJ. Look, I get that it’s tiresome when someone has a new interest in their life and that’s all they seem to be able to talk about.
Whether it’s a new job, a new baby, or a new gluten-free diet, it’s frustrating when people you used to have different conversations with feel like they’re stuck in a rut.
But you know what?
She tried to give you space. She knew that she was focused on her pregnancy, and she knew you weren’t interested or supportive, so she made a conscientious choice to avoid you. You’re the one who demanded attention, and when she explained that current health issues related to her pregnancy were the most important thing on her mind right now, you said let’s get together but you can’t talk about the thing that is currently most important to you.
You suck. A lot. I don’t have kids and I’m not interested in spending time with someone as self-centered as you. I’d gladly take a ‘mommy bot’ over someone like you.” DinaFelice
Another User Comments:
“Holy cow, YTJ. You verbally attacked your friend for not conforming to /your/ lifestyle choices. Instead of reconciling who she is with who you thought she was, you’re actively punishing her for not being /your/ idealized version of her.
Name-calling, aggression, and dismissive, underhanded comments are weird ways to try and convince someone to spend time with you.
To be clear, she is not telling you she is /incapable/ of having a conversation that doesn’t involve her pregnancy.
She is sharing that she doesn’t want to sit there feeling anxious that if she accidentally mentions the pregnancy to you, she will be the victim of your inappropriate and unkind comments.
I can’t imagine being so selfish as to hear that my friend was having serious health issues and tell them, ‘we can still hang out!
Just host me, and talk about anything other than the biggest thing in your life right now, to make me comfortable.’
Also, you never apologized for your terrible reaction to her pregnancy so the fact that it was ‘months ago’ is irrelevant.
I hope your friend is safe and healthy and has better people in her life than you.” jillyfish5
9. AITJ For Not Reporting My Former Bully?
“So I (18f) recently became close friends with my former bully (Michael-17m). I say ‘bully’ but I never thought of it that way. His ‘bullying’ consisted of sarcastic comments yelled in my general direction, and it was never anything actually harmful, either.
For example, I would be asked to read and he’d say ‘ew cringe’. I always assumed he was just a little weird and since I wasn’t too hurt by his actions, left it alone.
I found it more humorous than anything.
Just before Christmas, we bumped into each other and there was something off about him. I won’t go too in-depth, but essentially, he broke down and told me about his miserable home life.
We talked and exchanged numbers and are pretty good friends now.
We started the new term on the 7th of January, and have been hanging out before, during, and after school. One of my friends is angry with me because I haven’t reported him for bullying.
I tried to explain that we sorted it out and there were no hard feelings, but she says ‘once a bully, always a bully’ and that he needs to be dealt with accordingly.
She’s mad at me because she was bullied to a much more serious extent and her bullies got off scot-free, so she wants me to ‘get my justice’.
AITJ for not reporting him?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – if you were not bothered by it then it barely, if at all, reaches the level of bullying. You two worked out your differences and are fine with each other.
Your friend is not correct, bullies can change, she is just angry because she did not get justice and is projecting it onto you. Do not let her force you to report him as a bully since you did not get hurt and you two are friends now.
Tell her to stop bullying you to report him or you will report her for bullying you.” StockComprehensive96
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your friend is projecting her experience with her bullies onto yours.
She definitely has a lot built up that she needs professional help with.
You need to be aware of Michael’s issues, but you don’t have to report him or cut him off. Honestly, most issues with bullying situations get cleared up when both parties talk to each other, and they don’t get anywhere near as bad as they can get.
You resolved the conflict in the way that was comfortable for you, and I’m sure if Michael ends up escalating with a different person you’ll rethink your association with him.” lyan-cat
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It would have taken him a LOT to break down for you about everything. The fact you’re willing to help him probably means more to him than you’d ever realize. Your friend can’t just dictate to you that you HAVE to report him, especially when you’ve sorted everything and are actively helping him through a hard time.
You have a lot of maturity for your age and maybe one day your friend will understand. What that lad did was wrong, yes, but the fact you’ve forgiven everything and want to make sure he’s ok means a lot.
Reporting him could just make him sprial further, especially mentally, so it’s not going to help anyone.
I understand your friend being upset about her bullying not being dealt with correctly, I’ve been there myself, but reporting that lad just isn’t helpful to you, him, or your friend.
She probably needs to find a therapist and get help there, that’s what truly helped me after everything I went through.” rhubarb2896
8. AITJ For Not Allowing My Daughter To Put On Makeup?
“My daughter is 9 years old. She’s not the youngest child, but she’s my youngest daughter. My other daughters are a lot older (I have 15 and 18-year-old biological daughters, and an 18-year-old stepdaughter) so obviously she’s not going to be able to do some of the things they do.
She really admires her sisters, and today she found out my 18-year-olds love to wear makeup, and I found them hanging out with her and she was trying on some of their lipstick.
I let her experiment for a while and left them alone, but later my daughter asked me if she could have her own makeup kit. I told her no, she’s too young, but in a few years she could try it out.
She said, ‘well you let (my daughter’s name) wear it, why am I not allowed to?’ I told her that her sisters were way older than her, so they have more freedom, and that when she was older, she would have those same privileges.
I also asked her whether her friends’ parents let them wear makeup, she said no but was still annoyed, and started begging. I was tempted to give in, so I agreed to let her wear some lip gloss, but nothing else.
She didn’t like that response and claimed I was being unfair.
I know I can be pretty strict with my kids and I make a lot of mistakes, and I’m wondering if I’m being too controlling by not letting her wear makeup while my other daughters can.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It sounds like you’re okay with supervised dress-up/makeover type stuff but not every day, doing it herself, whenever she wants type stuff which is totally normal parenting. I wouldn’t consider it to be strict by any means.
If you’re willing to compromise with her, you may want to consider tinted/glitter chapsticks and/or some of the kid-friendly press-on nail manicure sets that are available. My oldest was really curious when she was like 8 or 9 too, she really liked them both and I liked that it wasn’t messing up her face or nails.
Burts Bee’s has an all-natural tinted lip balm line and Kiss has good press-on nails that don’t damage little nails.” FlyChicc420
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It’s hard for kids to see siblings getting stuff they don’t but that doesn’t mean you’re wrong.
Though maybe it’s worth allowing a makeup kit or something similar that she can experiment with at home but not outside the house, as a compromise, but I also don’t think it’ll be a problem to stick to your guns on this one.
The other thing that might be a good idea is giving her more explanation as to WHY makeup isn’t appropriate for a younger girl, that it’s not good for her skin so young, or something like that, maybe then it will help it feel less like a ‘just because you’re young/because I said so’ thing and it will help her understand.” calicokit
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you’re definitely just looking out for her, and especially since she is so young it isn’t really appropriate for her to wear a lot. I would say let her experiment at home and with her sisters a little bit, and if it becomes a problem to where she no longer wants to listen to you, then go a different route.
But no harm in a little experimentation with family at home.” KitsuneJenn
7. AITJ For Insisting That My Partner's Daughter Should Take The Bus?
“We live in a normal city, my partner’s daughter is 12 and her school is about a 10-minute drive from our house.
Sometimes I will pick her up but I think that she is old enough to be able to take the bus home. The daughter agrees with me, but my partner doesn’t and never explains why.
Today I drove the daughter to and from school and she decided to go to a friend’s house that’s next to the school and made me wait almost 1 hour for her, against my explicit instructions.
I got home and told her mother why she was so late and also mentioned ‘if she took the bus this wouldn’t be a problem’. Well, let me tell ya…
Now they’re both mad at me.
The daughter because I ratted her out, and the mother because she says it’s disrespectful to repeat my opinion that she could take the bus because we had already talked about it (not that she’s ever explained why she won’t let her).
I doubled down saying ‘I still pick her up, I’m entitled to voice my opinion’ and that just made it worse.
Am I the jerk?
Note: It’s a public transit bus, not a school bus.
Also, this is in Portugal. And she has a smartphone.
EDIT (2 days later): She finally said her reason for not wanting her daughter to take the bus was about health measures. Not safety, not harassment, she doesn’t feel it’s a problem at all.
She didn’t tell me before because she thought it would be ‘obvious’.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, for now. You’re right – she’s old enough to occasionally take the bus. Learning to use public transit is a really good skill, and you guys are lucky to live fairly close by in the event she did need to be picked up because of delays, etc.
But that’s not the point.
The girl’s mother is allowed to say that she doesn’t want her kid to take the bus. If you have such a problem picking up the kid and all the drama that goes along with it, don’t be the one picking her up.
Complaining constantly about the pickups is a sure way to become a really annoying jerk who makes everyone feel bad about asking you to do stuff (i.e. pickups) for them.
You either need to stop bringing it up and dutifully do the pickups, or assert your opinion and don’t do the pickups.” caz__z
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I initially was going to write ‘not your kid’, but you’re right, you do get to express an opinion if you’re the one picking her up from school. The daughter’s poor communication about going to a friend’s and making you wait seems like a separate issue.
But it sounds like you keep expressing your opinion after your SO has made and voiced a firm decision about how her daughter is going to get to/from school. Her risk analysis when it comes to taking the bus is different than yours.
Further, it’s her kid, so it isn’t a debate where you get to be supplied some justification that you believe passes muster. Your only responsibility is to refuse to be part of the school commute, however, that likely will also have downstream consequences.” IDKareyou77
Another User Comments:
“I’m just gonna say it… NTJ.
It seems like your partner is taking advantage of you and trying to just have you parent her kid without giving you full ‘parental privileges’ of like punishments and stuff.
Also, it seems like she just doesn’t want to pay the bus fare.
You need to put your foot down and not give any more rides tho, or do anything to help raise this kid.
Speaking from personal experience, 12 is old enough to ride the public bus alone. In fact, as soon as someone starts middle school they should be fine to travel to and from school alone on a bus packed with their classmates.
Most adults avoid the school hours of the bus so they’re not crammed in there with smelly, loud, and annoying teenagers.
Also, a lot of bus drivers care about the students they pick up, especially if they’re regularly doing it.
They’re really nice people who get to know the students well.” nightimevil
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here overall, but I was thinking NTJ at first. The daughter went somewhere without clearing it with the people responsible for her, and you are right in telling her mom.
She is still 12 years old. As for that, she IS only 12 and I don’t think she should ride public transport by herself. I rode the bus with friends at that age and had too many creeps around.
That was 25 years ago. Your SO sucks because she wants you to drive her daughter but tells you that you can’t call her while she’s in yoga. She needs to plan her day better to drive her daughter to and from if she doesn’t want you to say anything.
Especially since you aren’t her parent or have parental responsibilities besides being a chauffeur.” RandomSleepyPanda
6. AITJ For Not Giving The $4000 Back?
“My partner (26 Male) of 6 years and I (25 Female) moved into our first house on July 31, 2021. On the day we were moving out of our apartment, the property manager let us know we never submitted our 60-day notice and will be required to pay the last month of rent and a re-let fee following move out.
We had lived in our apartment for 3 years and BOTH neglected to ask and BOTH had the mindset that once our lease is up we just ‘move out because the lease is over’ (very naive I know, it was our first apartment together).
I decide to pay the last month’s rent for August and the relet fee which ended up being around $2,600 for both. My partner paid the deposit on the house which was $2,000 (our monthly rent rate) because I paid the rent for the upcoming August. Little did we consider that because we moved on July 31st, the first month’s rent was due the following day making us owe $4,000 total. I told my partner I didn’t have the budget because I was paying for the apartment and he agreed he could sell some of his stocks for the funds in a pinch and there didn’t seem to be an issue.
A month later I noticed he was acting standoffish and I ask him what was wrong. He very aggressively let me know that it’s ‘messed up that I never paid him back for the house.’ I tell him that I didn’t know he was expecting that from me especially since I paid off the apartment fees we BOTH neglected to give 60 days’ notice and it’s not like I was just holding out on him.
He keeps repeating ‘so now I have to be $4,000 in the hole?’ We just kept arguing in circles because I couldn’t understand what he wasn’t getting about what I was saying and I finally freak out and say ‘congratulations you did what you had to do for us to stay in the house and I did what I had to do so the apartments won’t come after us!
You’re not a martyr.’ Now, the funds and my comment are something that always comes up in arguments and I am ‘selfish’ for ruining his stocks. AITJ?
I forgot to add: before the said argument, I saw he was upset about his stocks being gone so I just started paying for groceries and electricity/water without asking for his half in an attempt to cut him a break/ pay back but when I mentioned this during the argument that was yet to come he was not impressed and still wanted me to give him the funds.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but it seems evident your partner wants accounts settled. Draw a 50/50 on the payments you made and the ones he did. Show him the math and then work out a way to pay him what is extra that he paid from you.
Also, use this as a moment to ensure your and his finances are separate and a record is kept. He seems to be feeling bad about his stocks but it just seems you both didn’t know better and took some not the financially best decisions.
That’s on both of you and not just you.
Talk to him. He’ll likely not listen to logic so do the math and tell him you’re working on paying him your bit back.” PhilosophyStudent91
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
The two of you need to communicate better.
If someone is paying the whole of a big bill, then you should really be keeping track of who had paid what so that you can keep things straight.
In this case, you both are at fault for the mistake with the old apartment, and you both owe rent/deposit on the new one. If you paid the old rent, he owes you half, and if he paid the deposit on the new one, you owe him half of that.
Based on the numbers you mentioned, I believe that means you owe him funds – not a full $4k, but your half of that minus what he owes you.
While you may have made some attempt to pay him back in groceries or similar, I would always recommend drawing a line under any big expenses as it just gets confusing when two people are both trying to do the same maths but getting different results as they count groceries, restaurants and what counts as a bill or present differently.
After a big bill, sit down, figure out the budget and keep everything nice and straight.” nrsys
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You two need to sit down and talk about what you each paid to get into this apartment (extra rent at the old place, fees, new rent, etc).
Once you each have a total, decide how you want to make it even AND have a discussion about finances going forward.
You need to agree on bills, groceries, etc., particularly because now you have seen he is very sensitive to financial stuff and you’ve already had a big and continuing fight about it.
Stop trying to appease him by paying for extra things you aren’t getting credit for, and set up some firm agreements on who is paying for what, and how you are each getting ‘even’ on what happened at the old place/moving to the new one.” mfruitfly
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here – He seems to not understand what the number difference is, but your not wanting to make it an even 50/50 split on the final cost is kind of a jerk move as well.
Clearly was an issue, and if he stated it was only if you both were ‘in a pinch’ then that means he wasn’t happy about it.
‘I tell him that I didn’t know he was expecting that from me especially since I paid off the apartment fees we BOTH neglected to give 60 days’ notice and it’s not like I was just holding out on him.’
You paid 2600, he paid 4000, an equal split would be 3300 a piece since the final total was 6600. As you said, you both neglected to give 60 days, both of you are at fault here equally.” Waskomsause
5. AITJ For Wanting To Send Our Daughter To Camp?
“We live in the northeast in an affluent community where many families send kids away to sleep away camp for 7 weeks (like the movie Parent Trap).
Neither of us did this growing up but it sounds amazing. Kids gain independence, make lifelong friends, and have the time of their life. Friends who went as kids all say it was the best experience of childhood and can’t imagine not giving their kids that same experience.
My daughter will be 9 this summer & I want to send her. My husband isn’t into it in general and is firmly against 7 wks. He says summer is the best time to spend together as a family (great weather, longer days, etc.) and 7 wks is ‘outsourcing’ the raising of your child.
Knowing this, I found shorter options for either the 1st or 2nd half (3-4 wks). To me, this feels like a fair compromise. But my husband still says no. He wants no camp this summer (wants our daughter to be a year older), 1 wk camp next year & maybe 2 wks after that.
I don’t think our daughter needs to wait. Some of her friends went last year & most of her friends will go this year. While she is a bit shy, she makes friends easily.
I’ve asked her how she feels (very neutral approach so as to not throw my husband under the bus) and she wants to go. My husband says she’s a child and we have to make this decision for her.
I’d also prefer not to wait a year as it will be harder on her if she starts 2-3 summers after everyone else.
I also don’t love a shorter camp option.
I attended 1 wk camps as a kid and they feel completely different than the longer camps I’ve toured. 1) 1 wk doesn’t give her the time to gain the level of independence that a longer camp does.
2) It’s easier to make lifelong friendships at the longer session where ~85% of campers return each year. He thinks a 1 wk vs 3-4 wk camp is equivalent but to me, they are night/day.
He consistently talks about missing the best part of the year with the kids if they are at camp, acting like he has the summer off, and living his best life with them each summer.
But we’re both working so weekdays hours together are limited. So we are talking about missing 2-3 weekends over the summer. I’m going to miss her like crazy but I’ll also know she is having the time of her life.
It’s frustrating to me that she has this opportunity, and my husband doesn’t want to give it to her, so she can hang out at home with us.
To me, this is my husband projecting his wants/fears (He would have been afraid, he wants to be with her, etc).
He says I’m projecting my wants onto her (huge extrovert, would’ve loved it, etc.).
Recognize that this is a privileged problem to have. But we can’t agree and any compromise leaves one of us unhappy (husband feels like his wants are being ignored if daughter goes at all, and I feel like not allowing her to go or only going for 1-2 wks is robbing her an amazing experience we are privileged to be able to give her).
EDIT. Husband says no to camp till next year. Then 1-week max.
I’m proposing 3 or 4 weeks.
Daughter wants to go.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You’re both coming from valid places, but you are both projecting here, and you need to quit digging in your heels and see how your daughter actually likes the experience before you make any broad sweeping pronouncements about what’s best. She may develop a terrible case of homesickness.
She may wind up placed with a bunch of mean girls. She might end up preferring a specialized camp focused on a particular interest, even if the sessions are shorter or it’s not sleepaway.
Or she may well love it, but starting with a trial run of 1-2 weeks at a place that can accommodate her if she does end up begging not to have to leave yet sounds like a sensible compromise to me.” mm172
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, especially because she wants to go. It sounds like your husband is mainly thinking of himself and how much time he wants to spend with his daughter. That’s understandable – he loves her.
But it’s important to think about her as well, and what great things she would get out of summer camp. Spending time with other kids, in a new environment, is really great for helping kids learn how to socialize with peers and be more independent, and the fun memories truly last a lifetime.
By definition, parents can’t give them that.
What parents can give their kids, unfortunately, is a reason to feel left out when everybody else got to do something fun without them. My parents did that to me multiple times and it really sucked. It certainly didn’t help us feel closer ‘as a family’, because family time should be for everyone to have fun.
What good is family time if she knows it’s the reason she’s missing out on a great experience with all her friends?” thewhitewallisblue
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. You’re both only thinking of yourselves, and you in particular are not considering the potential negatives AT ALL.
Yes, some kids adore sleepover camp. Then there are the kids like me who are bullied within an inch of their lives. And having spoken to others over the years, I’m far from alone in that experience.
Summer camp is social stratification writ large. Not every kid does well. Moreover, as a kid who spent a decade of summers at sleepover camps, starting from when I was younger than your daughter (and not EVERY summer was a terrible one), nine is REALLY young to start with 7 weeks.
I know very few camps that would even let a child that young start off their first summer going for that long. You’re completely wrong that it’s just ‘the first day’ that’s difficult.
Seven weeks away from parents and home is a LONG TIME, even if you’re having fun.
I get not wanting to do just one week, which really ISN’T enough time to invest in the experience.
But every camp I knew of growing up suggested starting with a month or so (a 3-4 week session) for younger kids. That would let your daughter get a real taste of the sleepover camp experience, figure out if it was for her, AND give your husband half a summer to do family trips and quality time.
There is a happy medium here and you’re both being far too self-absorbed to consider it. Three-to-four weeks at sleepover camp is more than enough for a first-timer of 9 years old and would give you family time as well.
Everyone sucks here.” FoolMe1nceShameOnU
4. AITJ For Not Avoiding My Best Friend?
“I (f21) am best friends with W (m22). W and I met during freshman orientation and formed a tight-knit group with 3 other girls. We are all still friends, but W and I hang out the most because we are the most social people in the group.
Let’s get this out of the way, I am a lesbian, and I am fully out of the closet. W has also never expressed any attraction to me before or after I came out.
I’ve always gotten along with his partners, and I’m still close friends with one of his exes. I’m also a very ‘huggy’ person, I give incredible hugs and it’s a skill that needs to be shared and appreciated lol.
He has been going out with S (f22) for 2 months now and he seems really happy about it. It had been rough for him during the global crisis, and I’m happy that he found someone who lifts him up.
That’s why I’m a little conflicted here.
I was excited to meet S after W talked about her nonstop and we + a couple of other friends met at his place. She didn’t seem to like me very much, answering all my questions with one or two-word responses and giving my kinda cold looks.
I tend to overthink, so I figured she was just shy and I was reading too much into things. We all ended up playing Mario Kart and Smash for a few hours. When it was time to go I hugged W and all my other friends goodbye, I nonverbally offered her a hug but she just shook her head (fair enough, honestly).
The next day I got a dm from her on Instagram telling me she didn’t appreciate how flirty I was with W and told me to ‘back off’. I was pretty shocked because I thought she knew I was gay, but I could kinda see where she was coming from.
I’m very fem presenting so people might often assume incorrectly. I clarified that I am not interested in W or any man for that matter, and I have no intention of getting between them.
She said that didn’t matter and that I need to ‘know my role’. Which was… interesting. Trying to keep the peace, I told her I’d stop giving him hugs if that was the issue.
Which she then replied that she’d prefer I just distance myself from him. I haven’t responded.
I really have no intention of avoiding or distancing myself from one of my best friends.
AITJ, is this disrespectful to their relationship?
Update: I slept on it and I sent screenshots of the convo to W with the message ‘hey homie, I totally understand if you want to focus on your relationship right now.
I don’t know if this is a joint decision between you and S, but I will do whatever makes you happiest. If I crossed a boundary please let me know.’ He hasn’t read the message yet.
Update 2: I spoke with W and you all were right. He didn’t want to lower contact and he didn’t even know that S felt this way. S never seemed jealous or upset when he’d talk about me to her.
He told me I didn’t do anything wrong in his eyes and that he’d talk to her and try to figure this out. The call was pretty short and he seemed really upset, so that sucks.
But I don’t think I’m going to lose a friend.
Update 3: S deleted her messages on Instagram.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – However, you need to play this game very carefully.
First off, she has no right to force you away from your friend, so do not give in to her in that regard.
However, you want to be careful with how you handle this situation going forward regarding W. If you come out and tell W the things she’s saying to you, you risk getting involved with some issues of their relationship that they need to work out themselves with regards to friends and boundaries between them (and judging from her interactions with you I don’t think she has any reasonable ones to make).
I think at the moment the best solution is to tell her if she has problems with the company her partner keeps she needs to take it up with him, not you.
If she continues to be needlessly hostile towards you still, then you are more than justified to bring these concerns to your friend’s attention and you have the receipts to back it up.
She honestly sounds controlling and manipulative just from what little you’ve posted about her here, and I don’t see this being a long-term relationship for your friend if she’s like that with or without your intervention.
But don’t feel like you’re in the wrong for refusing her and standing your ground. You’re not being disrespectful to their relationship, she’s being disrespectful to your friendship.” DuskLordX
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
She is the one who is being disrespectful. Even if you weren’t a lesbian, it’s perfectly acceptable for a straight woman to hug a close, straight, male friend. His SO just entered the picture not long ago, and she needs to adjust to the environment.
It’s inappropriate that she expects the group to adjust to her insecurities.
Further, she was way out of line when she contacted you privately on social media to make her request, and the language she used was very rude.
Your friend needs to know what sort of person he’s seeing—sooner rather than later—because this won’t be the last time her insecurities, coupled with her rude and aggressive attitude, cause issues for him.
To be clear, his SO is causing and will continue to cause, issues for him. While you seem to be very understanding, others may not be, and he is in danger of having his relationships with friends ruined by his SO.” dmetzcher
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you don’t distance yourself from your friends at the request of their partners, what?! You’re not being disrespectful, and you offered both an explanation to her, and a possible solution/compromise.
Nope, this girl just doesn’t want you around him, and nothing else will satisfy her.
Does he know what she sent you? I would show him the messages that she sent – physically show him, and let him know that you have been trying to find a way to make her comfortable with your friendship, but are unsure how to proceed because you don’t want to stay away from him.
Basically, let him handle it. You don’t change anything about yourself or your friendship with W. I would never willingly distance myself from one of my closest friends just because of their partner’s crippling insecurities.
This is a HER problem, and ultimately W’s choice. If he chooses to distance himself from you to appease the girl, then that’s on him. Hopefully, he explains to her that his friendships are non-negotiable and she’s the one being disrespectful.” T00narmy1
3. AITJ For Being Mad At My Friends For Making Me Watch A Movie By Myself?
“So a couple of days ago, my buddies and I had talked a little bit about going to see Spider-Man: No Way Home. I (19 male) was super excited and didn’t really think too much of it when they told me a time and that it was going to be that night.
This was 4-5 hours before the movie, so I thought I had time. I was getting ready to leave and realized I didn’t know which theatre to go to. So, half an hour before the movie started, I called my two buddies twice each.
I was promptly sent to voice mail both times. Then, trying to be patient, I looked at the theatres and saw which ones had a movie at the time we specified. There was only one theatre that had the opening, so I thought, ‘It must be this one’.
Turns out there was a secret showing at another theatre that my friends ‘forgot to mention’ and didn’t bother to notify me of. So there I am, at the theatre 20 min away from where they are and they aren’t anywhere to be seen, I text them again.
‘Hey, where are you guys?’. No response. I text again, ‘I’m at the theatre, I’m buying my ticket right now’. Nothing. So I wait and wait until the time the movie started. I had already bought my ticket and was getting popcorn.
I get a text 5 minutes later saying, ‘We’re in the lobby’. The lobby at the theatre I’m at is dead empty, as this was later at night. So I, in a bit of a frustrated fit, mute my phone and watch the movie by myself.
Truth be told, it was a great movie and is highly recommended for other fans to see it. Back to the point, after the movie was over and I was back to my truck, I unmute my phone and all I got were texts asking where I was and chewing me out for not seeing the movie with them.
AITJ for just giving up and watching the movie by myself?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It was a miscommunication—bad things happen and no one sounds like they had bad intentions. There are all sorts of reasons people do not or cannot immediately answer a text—they really didn’t realize you all didn’t know which theater.
Muting your phone was reasonable, as it’s SUPPOSED to be off during the movie. Friends thought YOU blew them off, patiently waiting in the wrong lobby. As long as you clarify what happened and they were cool about it and apologized for their part in the misunderstanding, you should all be able to have a good laugh.” Zorkanian
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for one simple thing: you didn’t tell them that you already went to a theater and started a showing when they had finally texted you back.
Yes they should have told you where they were planning to go, yes you were left in the dark, but you left them in the dark too.
Just be honest and say ‘hey I don’t know where you guys are going and no one is responding to me so I’ll gonna go here and watch the movie at this time X.’ That’s it.
All you needed to say. Also, I’m Not trying to scold you or anything, you’re all young. Just my two cents .” mauvecrow
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Really cool sleuthing skills!
Also, a secret showing is potentially sketchy but also really exciting.
I’m shocked that wouldn’t come up in the initial conversation, how did they BOTH forget that really unique detail?
Also, did they not see your missed calls and messages? I’m surprised they didn’t call you or text an apology for missing your attempts before the ‘we’re here’ text.
And WHO arrives that late? Spiderman is AMAZING, they would have no time to get snacks, etc.
And they make fun of you on a regular basis? Bruh.
It’s a little sad but it might be time to taper off or cold turkey these people (sigh, I had some extremely similar experiences).
You deserve better.
Are there any spider nerds you could start hanging out with instead?” ErnestImp2000
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
You could have contacted them earlier to confirm the location once you realized you don’t know that here it is 4-5hrs prior to the showtime but for some reason decided to make a wild guess of the location and only attempted calling them 30mins before the show.
And you’re saying you’re not at fault for this mess?
Your friends of course suck for not sharing full info and went missing in action on you till 5mins before the show at the correct location.” denasher
Both sides need to meet up and discuss what happened, and maybe come up with a communication plan for the future so this doesn't happen again.
(P.S. It was an awesome movie.)
2. AITJ For Not Getting My Car Repaired?
“My sibling was visiting for a few days and borrowed my car. They (not non-binary, just keeping gender out of it) scratched the side of the front bumper on a pole while parking in the city one day, leaving some cosmetic damage (paint scuffed and a shallow dent).
They got a quote for the damage and Venmoed me enough to repair the car. However, I decided to keep the funds and not do the repair. They asked about it a few weeks later and I told them the truth.
They got angry saying they sent me funds to repair the damage, not to just keep it. They said if I’m not repairing it I should return the funds until I decide to actually go through with the repair.
I argued back that the funds were compensation for damage and it was up to me whether I wanted to put it towards repairs or something else.
AITJ for keeping the money?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You could have asked them if they’d be okay with you doing this, but you didn’t.
You know they gave it to you for a purpose, and they asked you about it repeatedly.
You took it in good faith that you would use it for that purpose.
I understand people do this all the time with strangers. But you have no more dealings with strangers. This is your family, and you are creating animosity where there doesn’t need to be any.
You can take the funds, but for the rest of your life you might have created a rift with someone who you supposedly love, and someone that paid you early so you didn’t have to worry about anything.
You can say you need the funds more, and you probably do. But next time you need their help they can come back at you and say you still owe them from the last time you stole from them.
Then you two can each defend why it is or isn’t stealing. Family can get involved too. I’m sure some of yours will be on your side.” loginorregister9
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
What you do with the repair funds is none of their business.
If you sell the car—without repairing it—you’ll get less because the damages have diminished its value. The repair funds are meant to reimburse you for the cost of the damage.
You’ll either pay now (by getting it repaired) or you’ll pay later (by getting less for the vehicle). How you use the funds your sibling gave you is your choice, not theirs.
This is also the case with insurance companies (at least in the US). If someone damages your vehicle in an accident, their insurance company estimates the cost of repairs. They assume you’ll use factory parts, so the estimate is typically higher than it would be if you went to a local repair shop.
After they cut you a check, what you do with the funds is up to you. You can either have the car repaired by the manufacturer, by a local shop (and pocket the difference), by your friend (and pocket even more), or… not at all.
It’s none of their business, and they don’t police what you do with the funds.
Your sibling damaged your car. They rightly paid you for the damages. Their involvement is done here, and you are under no obligation to follow any guidelines they wish to set.” dmetzcher
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, that is some real nonsense reasoning you made. If someone gives you funds for a specific reason it is not funds to be used as you please and rewrite those reasons.
According to you if someone gave funds for the express purpose of say, schooling or life-altering surgery the recipient would be justified in choosing to use it on illegal stuff and partying instead.
What a ridiculous notion.
Do you know what happens when you behave like this? The next time funds exchanges hands with you that person refuses to pay or forces you to take the legal route because it got around you’re not trustworthy enough to actually follow through with people’s intentions.
Your sibling didn’t make you get the job done first and pay the bill for it because they were extending their goodwill in getting ahead of their mistakes. You basically took the funds, did a dance, and called them suckers.
To your own family. As an adult.” vivvienne
1. AITJ For Refusing To Babysit?
“I (17f) am the oldest of seven siblings aged 15, 12, 9 (twins), and 3 (twins). My mom (45) is a stay-at-home mom while my dad (48) is a doctor.
Mom came to me yesterday and asked (told) if I’d watch my siblings on Saturday.
I told her no because I’ve got work in the morning, hanging with friends in the afternoon, and doing homework in the evening. She said I could forgo spending time with my friends and she then decided to tell me I was lying about homework.
I told her no. This is the first time in three months I’ve had the opportunity because we’ve always had schedule problems.
As far as homework there is always homework on the weekends in my AP classes.
For reference, I am currently taking AP English 4, AP Calculus AB, AP Statistics, AP Macroeconomics, AP Biology, Forensic Science, AP Spanish 4, and Drawing 4.
I also work three days a week. Thursday and Friday from 6 pm to 11 pm and Saturday I work from 7 am to 3 pm.
I also am maintaining an A average in every class.
Mom then said I was exaggerating and then called me a spoiled brat if I can’t even be nice and watch them for a few hours so she can go do something in peace.
I told her that it wasn’t my fault she couldn’t keep her legs shut and that I wasn’t gonna watch them anymore. They are not my responsibility.
She left the room and hasn’t talked to me since.
Got a text from my dad that I need to apologize right now. It’s causing me to rethink stuff a bit. Was I a jerk?
Edit. Forgot to add that the 9-year-olds are twins too.
Also will be apologizing to my mom for essentially calling her names. You guys made a valid point about that.
Edit to update: Apologized to mom. Here is how it went:
Me: I’m sorry about what I said about you.
It was wrong and majorly harsh.
Mom: If you really want to apologize you will babysit Saturday
Me: No but I can do Sunday.
Mom; Just go to your room. That’s not a real apology anyway.
And that is where this stands.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – If we assume you go to school 7 hours a day, 5 days a week, that’s 35 hours. Then you work 18 hours at your jobs.
If we put that together, you work for 53 hours a week. To put that into perspective, most adults work 35-45 hours a week. That means you are, on quite the grind, which I respect.
That not even including the homework you have, which will probably add at least a few hours.
You’re a teenager working 53+ hours a week, and your mom is a stay-at-home mom. Your mom, your parent, should, parent.
That’s what a parent is. That’s what parents do. The high schooler working 53 hours a week, shouldn’t be taking on any more responsibility.
Sure, the ‘Keep your legs shut then.’ part was a bit over the top, but they didn’t accept your polite reason and people who act like jerks to their family should get a taste of their own medicine.
End of discussion. NTJ.” TABSVI
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Yes, they are not your kids but they are your siblings. It doesn’t hurt to watch them for a couple of hours every now and then.
However, it sounds like you have a lot of ‘legit’ activities with your school and job, so you can’t be expected to babysit every weekend. How about your 15-year-old sibling? They should be old enough to babysit too.
Anyhow, your parents should be able to afford a babysitter, or, you know, your dad can spend a few hours with HIS kids.
You were rude, though, so everyone sucks here. I’d apologize for being rude but also state that you can’t be expected to drop plans that have been weeks in the making.
And then ask why they can’t get a sitter. Maybe you could even recommend a friend or classmate looking for some extra funds.” Wonderful_Ad968
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Hey, you were mad.
She was saying things she shouldn’t have said. You snapped. She owes YOU an apology. A BIG one, first for calling you a liar, second for projecting her needs onto you. She’s the adult.
You owe her a tiny apology for your outburst and unfortunate choice of words. Hey, mom have as many kids as you want! Assign household chores to kids. But it’s not the job, in our current culture, for the oldest to be the babysitter.
Her job is growing up, doing well in school, managing social interaction, and earning a bit of funds and job experience. She HAS OPTIONS. Schedule her life, hire a babysitter.” LompocianLady
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
This right here? ‘I told her that it wasn’t my fault she couldn’t keep her legs shut and that I wasn’t gonna watch them anymore.’ That makes YTJ, regardless of whether you’re available to watch your siblings.
You clearly have a job and responsibilities. ONE AP class in a semester is plenty for most kids (unless AP has gotten a lot easier since I was in HS), so that’s quite a workload, and your mom isn’t being reasonable (especially trying to call you a liar/exaggerator, gaslight you about the kind of workload you’ve taken on).
That said, you were WAY out of line to talk to her that way. You can clarify your position without resorting to crude and insulting language. Your dad is 100% right that you need to apologize for that… that said, I don’t think you’re wrong about having a schedule that doesn’t allow for babysitting.
You might consider making a one-time exception to show your parents that your apology is sincere, though.
Also, being a stay-at-home mom is really hard sometimes. Keep your mom’s example in mind when you’re considering your options down the road.” Ippus_21
