People Try To Be Nonchalant In These 'Am I The Jerk?' Stories
21. AITJ For Telling My Partner Her Family's Kitchen Grosses Me Out?
“I (22M) have been with my partner (22F) for over four years now.
Both of us still live with our families at home and as a result, spend a bit of time at each other’s houses.
My partner has always seemed to feel somewhat embarrassed about the cleanliness of her home and would make comments like “don’t mind the mess” and other similar things.
Each time I’ve made sure that I reassure her that I don’t mind that much and that I know she is being let down by her other family members. And that is true. The parts of her house that she looks after (her bedroom and bathroom) are often immaculate, whereas communal areas like the kitchen and lounge room are often messy with everyone else’s stuff, like dishes and baskets of clothes.
Anyway, this morning I was making my partner breakfast before she went to work. And while I’m usually fine preparing food in their kitchen, dodging dirty dishes on the countertop, or puddles of whatever that sticky stuff is, for whatever reason this morning everything just felt a lot more icky.
It may have been the humidity, but it felt like everything I touched had a film of grime on it, and my fingers stuck to just about every surface I touched. I think I reached my melting point when I went to put something in the bin and my hand brushed against it, and it felt like someone had painted glue all over the outside of the bin.
This probably put a bit of a dampener on my mood, because when my partner came into the kitchen she immediately picked up on it and asked What’s wrong”. Now, usually, I’d say Ohh nothing” and get on with my day, but I’ve sworn to myself that in the interest of healthy communication, I would tell my partner anything that’s bothering me.
So I did. I told her that I just felt a little grossed out by her family’s kitchen and that everything felt sticky and yucky. I also made sure I reassured her that I knew it was not her fault and it was because none of her family bothered with any of the cleanings.
Now she’s mad at me. She said I’ve made her feel “embarrassed” and “humiliated”. I was patting myself on the back this morning for working on the courage to be honest about something, and now I’m thinking I shouldn’t have said anything.
I thought I made it very clear to her that I didn’t think it was her fault, and that I knew she was being let down by the rest of her family, which she has said herself in the past, but I mustn’t have done a good enough job of it.
I do also feel that maybe I got a bit carried away and started whinging rather than expressing concern, but I still thought I made it clear that it wasn’t her fault and in no way a reflection on her.
So I don’t know what I should’ve done, is this the kind of thing that I should’ve kept to myself, or was I right in mentioning it and just found a way to fumble it and make it ten times worse like I usually do?
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“I think NTJ. Some thoughts here: The idea of you judging the house is a big deal for her and she stresses herself out about it, however, she is judging herself/the situation before anyone else. You saying your opinion triggered her shame -the very thing she was afraid of happened, and she got mad at *you* for *making* her embarrassed. I think you’re expressing your opinion was a healthy choice.
These things sound small but if you swallow your feelings more often than not, it ends in built-up resentment.” thepurplewitchxx
Another User Comments:
“You should have stopped after reassuring her. Saying no one in her family bothers with any of the cleaning was a step too far.
Sometimes we can talk about the things that embarrass us, but hearing it from another person makes us feel ashamed. Sometimes we can say stuff about our family but can be defensive if someone outside the family says the same thing. In short, you can know something is true but it still hurts too much to hear it aloud.
NTJ because you didn’t mean to be hurtful. Say what you want about the mess, but don’t criticize her family.” Aware_Welcome_8866
20. AITJ For Correcting My Husband's Made-Up Story Of How We Met In Front Of His Coworkers?
“I (34F) have been married to my husband (36M) for 3 years.
Last night, we attended a dinner with his new coworkers at one of their homes, as he recently got a promotion.
During dinner, someone asked how we met. My husband launched into this version where he “rescued” me after my car broke down. According to his story, he was driving by, saw me stranded, and gallantly came to my aid, leading to our first date.
Here’s where I might be the jerk: I corrected him right there.
The truth is, we met on a social app. Our first real interaction wasn’t some romantic rescue – it was me messaging him first with a cheesy pick-up line about his dog in his profile picture. His face went completely red, and he got very quiet.
One of his coworkers’ wives said something like “Well that’s… modern”
After dinner, he exploded at me in the car, saying I humiliated him and that I should have just gone along with his story. I was shocked. He said the firm is “traditional” and that meeting on a meet-up app makes us sound “cheap.” Cheap?!?!
I told him I wouldn’t lie about our relationship to impress his jerk coworkers, and that there’s nothing shameful about meeting online. He said I didn’t understand corporate culture and that I ruined his chance to build a “respected personal brand” at his new level.
I’m pretty positive I laughed in his face at this point.
Like, come on now, seriously. It’s weird because he’s never shown this side of himself to me … don’t get me wrong. I want him to be proud and confident about his promotion and accomplishments at his company, but he should know me better enough by now to know this is not how I roll!
He’s still barely speaking to me …. more so I think about the argument afterward, than the actual act of telling the truth at the dinner. His sister and I are pretty close, and I texted her about it and she says I should have just “let him have this one” and that sometimes men need to “save face” at work.
It’s like on the one hand I’m all NO WAY this is ridiculous that they are even acting this way and then on the other, I’m questioning myself like maybe I should understand this type of thing and I was wrong!
AITJ for telling the truth?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m not even sure why they cared about how you guys met in the first place. It’s a workplace. But either way, he lied in a big way and, even worse, in an egotistic way. He acted like he was a hero to make himself feel good.
I wouldn’t like that at all.” RWBYsnow
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – you didn’t need to call him out like that in front of everyone. From the way people react meeting online *is* an issue, and random coworkers are not entitled to the truth about anyone’s personal life.
It was his work thing, follow his lead. Never mess with someone‘s job.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.. the lying with you by his side is a red flag… Yeah I get it the knight in shining armor, I caught mobs fishing story, but seriously next to you everyone has their white lie version of things and he needed to learn this lesson ..
he ruined his respectable brand all by himself .. good for you and by the way it’s 2024, and lots of people found their spouse on sites, there’s nothing to be ashamed of” GuyFromLI747
19. AITJ For Defending My Partner When My Parents Blamed Him For My Panic Attack?
“So some backstory to this. I(20F) have dealt with multiple different anxiety disorders all my life. Most of them I can manage with therapy and medication, but I still struggle with my panic disorder. For those unaware, a panic disorder is where you have unexpected bouts of anxiety that also have physical symptoms. For me, my physical symptom has always been nausea.
So that also means that whenever I’m nauseous, I have a panic attack. Believe me, it’s as fun as it sounds.
Recently, my partner (20M) and I went out on a date. Before the date, I had a slight headache that I thought would go away.
I was very wrong and it continuously got worse throughout the night. By the end of the night, it had gotten bad enough that I needed to go home. As soon as I stood up, I felt a huge wave of nausea crash over me.
He was driving me home so the whole way I was freaking out, both because of the panic attack and because this is the first time he has seen me have a panic attack. He was aware before, but I never really went into much detail.
Luckily he took it well and was extremely kind during the whole thing.
When I got home, I was still coming down from the initial panic. My parents could tell and are used to this. They made sure I took my meds and made it to bed and that was the end of the night.
The next morning, my parents began asking what triggered the attack. Most of the time I don’t know, but this one was easy to trace. I explained the headache situation and thought we could leave it at that. But then they began pushing.
They asked if my partner was pressuring me and if he was making me do things I wasn’t ready for.
They were asking personal questions like if we had kissed. I’m normally pretty open with my parents, but I felt they were crossing a line. I repeated the headache story to them, but they didn’t believe me. I kept trying to explain, but they both had made up their minds that my attack was caused by my partner.
They both agreed that I should break up with him.
I was shocked. They had met him and seemed to like him. They both thought he could be good for me. But all of a sudden they want me to break up with him over a story they made up in their heads.
I told them no which they did not take well. They argued saying that if I was coming home having panic attacks, then I shouldn’t see him anymore. Eventually, I told them that just because they’re my parents, that doesn’t mean that they know what’s best for me.
Neither of them was happy with that and we ended up leaving the argument there.
Overall I think we all said things we didn’t mean, and I feel bad for yelling at them, but what they were asking was outrageous and I wanted them to see that.
So am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“I can see who you inherited your anxiety from! My guess is when you move out on your own and reduce contact with your parents, your anxiety will improve. It may not resolve completely, but I bet it’ll improve.
Discuss this with your therapist. He/she can help you set boundaries with your parents. And start making a plan for moving out on your own. Set goals.” Ok_Perception1131
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. From your post, it seems your parents have historically been involved with your healthcare surrounding your mental health.
I can empathize with their concerns over the root cause of your trigger for this specific event, and I also don’t think it makes them jerks to have doubts. However, it does seem to be time for you to start establishing some healthy boundaries in your relationship with your parents.” beguiled-enigma
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sounds like you, as an adult made a decision. The decision, unfortunately, didn’t work out as you hoped. You know how it happened. Unfortunately, your parents have decided that you’re lying to cover up something. It’s frustrating, especially when it feels like they’re overbearing and disrespectful of you as an adult.
You’re an adult, you’re free to make decisions for yourself, regardless of whether it was the right one. They need to understand that they aren’t helping with their judgmental questions.” Mikkelsenn
18. AITJ For Missing My Best Friend's Birthday Party For A Family Trip?
“About a week ago, my (18F) parents told me that we were going to Weymouth (UK) for my cousin’s (5M) birthday party.
The plan was to leave Friday night, stay at a hotel, surprise my cousins at the party the next morning, and then head home on Sunday.
Shortly after, I got a text from my best friend (17F) saying her birthday party would be on Saturday.
I spoke to my parents, who are pretty close to my best friend. Together, we sent her a video explaining that I’d be away on Saturday. About 10 minutes later, she replied, “Oh dw” (which means “don’t worry”). I texted back, saying I was free the previous and following weekends, but she responded, “I told you I’m busy.” I replied, “Ohh okay, well let me know when you’re free.” She didn’t respond.
The next day, while walking my dog, I ran into her. She’d just been to the gym and wasn’t wearing makeup. I asked if she wanted to come over to talk about when she might be free. She seemed happy and said, “Yeah, let me get home and get ready.
I showered at the gym, so I’ll only be about 20 minutes.” I said, “Okay, see you soon.”
After 30 minutes, I was home, and since she lives only two minutes away, I figured she must be back. I texted, “Hey, did you get home?” She replied, “Yes, I’ll be 2 mins.”
Two and a half hours later, after I’d cried about her being so late, my parents told me to forget it and just go out with them. I agreed.
That’s when she texted me: “Hey, I’m just having dinner; I’ll be over in a second.” I was shocked that, after all that time, she thought she could just show up.
I told her I was going out with my parents. Her response upset me even more: “Are you canceling on me?!”
No, babes, you canceled on me! (Obviously, I didn’t say that.) Instead, I said, “No, just rescheduling.” Once again, she left me on read.
Then she ghosted me for a week.
On the day of her party, I was with my cousins when I got an angry text from her partner:
Partner: “YOU JERK, DO YOU THINK YOUR STUPID COUSIN IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN HER?! SHE HAS BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ALL NIGHT.
YOU RUINED HER BIRTHDAY! SHE IS SCREAMING AND CRYING!”
I didn’t respond. The message hurt—not because I was being called a jerk but because he called my 5-year-old cousin stupid.
(Also, her actual birthday wasn’t for three more days.)
An hour later, she texted me:
Best friend: “You’re such a selfish jerk. It was my 18th birthday party, and you missed it. I’m sorry I’m such a burden.”
Classic guilt-tripping. I ghosted her after that, but I kept getting more angry texts from her and a mutual friend.
On her actual birthday, I didn’t get her a gift or even message her. That led to even more angry texts, all calling me a jerk. My parents keep telling me it’s not my fault and that I’m not the jerk, but I just need some reassurance.
So, please, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You told her you wouldn’t be there, it’s a family trip. And she expected you to wait for two extra hours to talk when you had agreed to meet for twenty minutes. Then she ghosted you for a week.
Then she and her partner are dogpiling on you. Dump this brat and her jerk of a partner. She is not your friend. She is the jerk, not you. I hope you had fun with your cousin and she was happy to see you, at least.” EffectiveNo7681
Another User Comments:
“Hey OP: you are NTJ. You know there’s a function on phones and messaging platforms called “block”? I’d start using it on both of these clowns. You got called the “j” word. which is not friendship or respect. You are a very considerate individual. Share some of that consideration with yourself.
What would you tell a friend that had been called a “j” and ghosted and had the flying monkeys turned loose on? I’d hope you’d say “You don’t need that crud, dump them.” You were doing a family activity. You didn’t have a problem attending.
Everybody else can chill.” [deleted]
17. AITJ For Not Relying On My Unreliable Bio Family For Wedding Tasks?
“To start things off, I’m not adopted so I’m trying to capture that I do not have a close/emotional relationship with these people due to me being informally taken in by my best friend’s family in high school, and at this point, I truly think of her as my sister and her mom as my mother figure.
I’m getting married this July, and the closer we get to the wedding, the more red flags I’m seeing from my bio mom and bio sister. My mom was invited to go to several venue tours and made a big deal out of wanting to go, but bailed last minute FOUR times.
Whenever I try to schedule anything for the wedding without including her, it’s a disaster, because she gets mad that my best friend’s mom (who again, took me in as a daughter over a decade ago) is invited and can make it. She keeps saying that she feels excluded from the process and that being excluded makes her not want to have anything to do with me.
My sister is her golden child and gets mad at me on her behalf every time this happens. I schedule an event, I invite them both, my mom suddenly can’t make it despite me confirming in advance that she’s available, and then my sister texts or calls me and tells me I’m a mean person for not working with mom’s schedule.
This has been eroding my mental health for the length of the engagement, and my fiance and I have almost given up and eloped several times. I’m now in therapy, which is frankly long overdue, and one thing me and my therapist have been working on is setting more realistic private expectations for their (my sister’s and mom’s) behavior.
We’ve slowly worked up towards a place of acceptance that it’s very likely my mom will pull the same thing the day of/before the wedding. If that does happen, then my sister will likely also not come.
Here’s where I might be the jerk – we are now at the point of wedding planning where we are doing counseling with our officiant (my best friend/spiritual sister) and coming up with a detailed agenda for the wedding day itself – which means assigning people tasks and responsibilities, which means getting asked by a bunch of different people what, if anything, I want my mom and sister to be responsible for.
I’ve started answering this honestly – I would love for them to be there, but the odds are high that they may decide to stay home at the last minute, and we shouldn’t count on them for anything logistic.
This has gotten back to my sister, and she is threatening to tell our mom because I’m airing out the family business and disrespecting the family name.
I have been crying all day because I’m just so tired of this. Am I doing something wrong here? What can I do instead?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You can sit down with your fiance and decide if you want these people at your wedding.
It’s okay if you don’t. Just because they’re blood-related doesn’t make them family. And while you would love for them to step up, is it realistic? Or would it be more relaxing to just not have them there? Here’s a good way to decide. Toss a coin.
Heads, you invite them. Tails, you don’t. As soon as the coin is in the air, you know what you want. If, when it lands, you say “good,” then that’s your decision. However, if you say, “Let’s do 2 out of 3,” you know you wanted the other decision.
If you choose to invite them, just don’t count on them to do anything but attend. If you choose not to invite them ( and even if you do), put passwords on your vendors. And have security. Security will keep out uninvited guests and control those who cannot or will not control themselves.
That will reduce your stress too.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your mom cried to your golden-child sister, and she’s been properly trained to act as the wicked witches’ flying monkey. Tell your sister if she keeps fighting mom’s battles for her, you’ll cut her out of your life.
Oh, and cut out the root(mom), too.” whisper_to_the_void
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You haven’t explained why you left your biological family in high school, but in my view, the way they are treating you now is abusive, and I guess that it is part of a long pattern.
In any event, you need to be realistic about the logistics of your wedding, and you are making the only decisions that are reasonable given the recent behavior/decisions of your bio mom and sister.” JakeDC
16. AITJ For Refusing To Apologize To My Nephew After He Falsely Accused Me?
“I (59F) have been taking care of my father (97) for the past 8 years, and for the most part, life is pretty good.
We live in a nice home on a large chunk of land, but very rural, so visitors are few and far between for my dad. Recently, one of my nephews, let’s call him Wayne (51), has been working for my dad, doing little things to earn a bit of extra money.
This went on for a while, until one day, I walked over to my dad’s apartment, and he said, “Oh, you just missed Wayne”.
Then Dad says, “I told Wayne I didn’t want him working for me anymore”. None of my business why Dad told Wayne that, but knowing Wayne can be a bit hotheaded I said, “Oh my, and how did he take that news?
Dad says he’s fine…. then my phone went off. The nastiest text message from Wayne, accusing me of “telling his grandpa to ban him.” I’m not kidding, and anyone who has met my dad surely knows that even at 97, nobody tells him what to do.
I texted him back, telling him I had no clue they were talking about anything. I didn’t even know he was there, but another angry text, more accusations of how I was out to get him. Seen this out of Wayne before. A bit of fuzz on his lollipop and he has to blame someone for it.
Oh yes and when I say texts, they are long, rambling, and with zero punctuation, like he’s shouting into his phone. Another long string of texts and he called me every dirty name in the book. Even accused me of trying to cut him out of my father’s will.
I assure you, I had no intention of doing that then, or now. So many nasty texts, and I keep telling him, I had nothing to do with what his grandfather thinks, says, or does. Then he started writing letters…sheesh.
The letters were addressed to my father.
He showed them to me. Nothing but trashing me, my husband, my son (what did they do?), his brothers, my brother, my gosh. Everyone is out to get him. None of those people deserved the bashing, and my Dad looked so disgusted. Like he needs this.
Wayne even told my father that I was a poor choice to handle his estate, because I was greedy, untrustworthy, slimy, and a few other choice things.
I did everything I could but now he’s demanding an apology from me. Yes, an apology. He says he was standing up for what he believes, and that’s why he wrote all those nasty things.
And that’s when something snapped. Finally, I stopped feeling sorry for him, stopped explaining myself, and I got angry. I told him that was just not going to fly and demanded an apology right back at him. I told him he could visit his grandpa as much as he liked, but don’t come near me or my family until he apologized.
He says again, that the only way he’ll visit my dad is if I apologize for everything I didn’t do.
I feel so bad for my father, but I am done with Wayne’s nonsense. WIBTJ for refusing to apologize? While it seems such an easy thing to do, I am fed up with him.
If my dad farts, he’ll blame me for the smell, and I just can’t take it anymore.”
Another User Comments:
“This is extreme emotional mistreatment. How much of this would have happened if your father wasn’t giving him money? There’s likely a good reason your dad cut him off, likely an addiction.
Nephew’s response isn’t unusual when that happens. You and your dad need to be firm and united that you will not apologize and even if he does there will never, ever be any monetary or gifts other than holiday/birthday tokens .” OhioPhilosopher
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, he’s abusive and sadly it sounds like when he throws a tantrum he usually gets his way. And for a 59-year-old to still hold onto that experience is very disturbing. Do not apologize, but discuss it with your dad that he’s refusing to come to see him until you have apologized if you haven’t already so that he knows why he’s not visiting and has a heads up if anything else happens from it.” AceHarleyQ
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I have an aunt like this – she started that nonsense with me, even the nasty letters. I realized reading them just upset me, I responded and we were on to round two – so, I stopped participating. When I got one I wrote return to sender and sent that back unopened. Emails – deleted. Phone calls – blocked. Comments on social media – blocked and deleted. I just refused to engage with her, I did send her a brief few notes letting her know I was sorry she felt that way and that maybe she should stop contacting me since it was so upsetting for her.
It took a while, my not fighting with her ( which is what she wanted) enraged her, and she doubled down. But it did stop, it’s hard to keep up that level by yourself. I have never spoken to her again, it was a bit sad but way less stressful ” Ok_Homework8692
15. AITJ For Choosing To Attend My Stepbrother's Grandfather's Funeral Over My Half-Brother's Wedding?
“My (half) brother, Harry (27M) is getting married on Saturday.
Harry and I have the same mother and different dads. When I (21M) was 13, my dad was unfaithful to my mother and my parents broke up. My father was wrong for what he did. Harry has not spoken to my father since. I was only 13 when my parents divorced, they had split custody, so I had to go to my Dad’s every other week.
Six months after the divorce, my Dad started openly seeing the woman he was unfaithful to my mother, and they got married about a year after that. So my father’s mistress is now my stepmother. My stepmother has a son, Damian, who is 12 now. My relationship with my father and stepmother is still kind of strained/tense or awkward, despite the time that has passed because of how everything went down.
I am, however, very close to Damian. I spent a lot of time at my dad’s with him (probably starting as a way to avoid having to speak to either my dad or stepmom). Damian is my little brother, I love him, and I feel as protective of him as I think Harry did of me when I was younger.
My stepmother’s dad passed away on Monday, the funeral is also on Saturday, in another state. I never met him. On Monday, my brother called me asking if I would come pick him up, which I did. Damian is so upset. This is the first death he’s experienced. When we went for a drive, we got about 5 minutes down the street, and he just cried and didn’t stop for over an hour.
When I took him back home, he had a stiff upper lip, told my dad and stepmom he was ok, but I knew he wasn’t. When I talked to them, they said he hadn’t reacted all day. Tuesday, I woke up to like 10 missed calls from him, and when I called him back he said he just wanted to make sure I was alive.
I picked Damian up again on Tuesday, and my Dad told me he had been fine that day, again we got 5 minutes from the house and he broke down.
Damian admitted today he is terrified of the funeral, and I feel like I should be there to support him.
I mentioned it to Harry and my mother, and both were furious with me. They both keep talking about me supporting my dad’s mistress instead of family, and Harry noting I never met the man who passed. But from my view, I wouldn’t be going for my dad, I’m going for Damian.
I haven’t even told my dad/stepmom my plan.
Harry is going to have all of his family (minus me) and friends around him on a happy occasion, while Damian is going to his first funeral. I was supposed to be a groomsman at the wedding, but I’m not one of the two best men.
I think Damian needs me more, hence my decision to go to the funeral. But Harry/my mother’s reaction, plus two of the friends I spoke with today saying I need to go to the funeral has me questioning if I’m being a jerk by canceling last minute.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – I’m sorry, but I have to disagree with you. It’s Wednesday, the wedding is on Saturday, and you’re at the wedding party. I understand how you want to be there for Damian and it’s a bit heartbreaking how hard he’s taking it.
But he also has parents and a support system there. It’s his parent’s job to help Damian process this and to be honest, you should be talking to them about this as a way to help Damian process it. I absolutely cannot blame your Harry and your mother for being upset and to them, you are the jerk.” jrm1102
Another User Comments:
“You will cause great damage to your relationship with Harry if you do this. If I am being honest, you have probably already caused a lot of hurt. You can still mend it by going and showing them how much you care if you do indeed value that relationship.
You can support Damian before and after the funeral and he will have his parents and other family there during the funeral. Instead of supporting both your brothers, you are choosing to abandon Harry. YTJ” Routine-Focus-9429
Another User Comments:
“You’ll get a lot of “you should go to the funeral” but you should know that by not going to your half-brother’s once-in-a-lifetime event because of the mistress’s son … I can guarantee that it will drive a permanent wedge between you and your half-brother.
Honestly, though, I don’t think it matters – your priority is your stepbrother, not the half-brother and so the breakdown of the relationship with your half-brother does not matter.” unicorndreamer23
14. AITJ For Wanting To Move And Cut Ties With My Toxic Mother?
“A few months ago I tossed the idea around that we move to IL to hubby.
Then once this pregnancy got hard for me and I desperately needed help, I told him outright it was what I wanted. He’s supportive and thinks it could be a good thing for us. (Also spoke with in-laws and they’re very supportive). I’d been wanting to talk to my therapist about how to tell my mom.
Very briefly note our relationship isn’t great. I moved out at 17, was granted a restraining order, and someone took guardianship over me- we didn’t speak for years- she’s narcissistic, controlling, and will do anything to ruin you if she thinks it’s justified (trying to get me fired, committed, arrested. Etc)
I told my sister we’re considering moving. She asked if I told Mom. I said no and asked if she should say anything. I said no don’t tell her I’m not comfortable talking about it yet. Thirty minutes later my mom was blowing up my phone demanding I speak to her saying she was driving to my house.
(I told my sister off for doing this and explained that was uncalled for and she just told me I was being mean- we haven’t spoken since) I called Mom that night and she went off on me (the details don’t matter but saying I’m an idiot and I’ll be trapped in IL when we get divorced+his family will be awful to me.
Don’t sell our house here. Etc)
Last week I finally got the dates down we’d be leaving (the last weekend of March or the first weekend of April) and I sent my mom a text because if I call her she won’t let me speak.
And this way I can get my thoughts out. But I did tell her we could still call and talk in a few days. And her reaction was just as I expected. Since then she’s blown up my phone my husband’s phone and is making it all about her even though I was clear it wasn’t because of anything she did.
And not that she didn’t offer help, but she couldn’t provide the type of help I needed and I wasn’t mad at her for that. Today I had to take my son to the ER and she didn’t even care. Just got mad about not being able to get random items of hers from me (that she doesn’t need but is being petty)
I’m just at a loss here and it’s pretty hard for me at this point to even continue a relationship with her. No matter what I do I’m wrong I’m awful. My husband understands she’s very manipulative and toxic but I’m just starting to lose it and I don’t want her getting in my head ruining my pregnancy.
I can’t even try to explain all the ways she’s lying and trying to manipulate (to no avail) my husband against me. Now it’s not working because I always make sure he’s there for the hard conversations so she can’t lie.
So literally nothing. I mean nothing she’s said in these texts is true.
(Also want to note I tried to end my text positively noting we’ll be having a baby shower and hope she can make it, to which she said no one in my family will be going to)”
Another User Comments:
“Block your mom and move away. And put your sister on an information diet. You asked Sis not to say anything and the next thing you know, your mom is calling you. Your mom isn’t telepathic, your sister blabbed. And that means sis can’t be trusted. I might not even give your mom and sister your new address.
NTJ” YouthNAsia63
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s time to go NC and you know it. Do not give this woman your address – or your sister for that matter. You’ll have a much less stressful pregnancy without this toxic person in your life. Just because she’s related to you by blood does not mean she’s good to be around.
Re-read your post. You haven’t said one good thing about this person. Why would you want to stay in touch? Because other people have relationships with their mothers? There are still others who don’t and are very happy. Don’t even THINK about inviting her to your baby shower!” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“We are big fans of the positive/negative list that we use when we have a tough decision to make. Use it. What are the positives of continuing to have your mother in your life? (I would throw sister into that bucket, as well.).
What are the positives of staying where you currently reside? What are the positives about you moving? Then, in the other column, list the negatives. If you haven’t come to your answer yet, you will once you go through this process. Be glad that your husband has your back.
Woman, you are pregnant and don’t need this aggravation. I would walk away from this battle and let my husband take the reins. You will have some peace, and he will have the opportunity to have some entertainment.” Illustrious-Tour-247
13. AITJ For Refusing To Accept My Mom's Birthday Gift After Repeatedly Telling Her I Didn't Want One?
“A couple of months ago my mom asked me what I wanted for my birthday (36 yo), I explained carefully and asked for forgiveness that I didn’t want to do anything for my birthday and didn’t want to receive anything. I told her I was quite depressed and physically not doing very well either, furthermore the very next day after my birthday I’d leave for a work education for 2 weeks.
My mom said she understood and we left it at that. A few weeks later my sis asked in our family group chat, I told her the same thing, depressed, mentally not doing well, physically not doing well, please let’s just skip it, don’t want to think about it or do anything.
If you want more info, you can ask, but the reasons why I’m not doing so well mentally are really quite boring and long-winded, just know that I’m really very exhausted in all aspects.
The thing is, I’m a German male in a family of just women, and I am not allowed to feel bad (“Oh shut up and stop whining”, “no you do not feel that way”, “Man up”) so I’ve never talked about my mental health.
My sister understood and we left it at that. My mom asked again, and I explained it again.
Mom asked again a week later and told her the same thing again.
This repeats 4 times. I love my mom, no mistake, but she never really… listens.
I tell her something and she’ll just steamroll it with what she thinks I want, we’ve butted heads about this a couple of times because I am not the sort of person to give in to pressure. (Little things like “Do you want ice cream?” “No thanks” “Here have some ice cream” “No thank you” “Here I gave you some ice cream” “FFS no”, but also big things like my university, job, etc.).
A few days before my birthday I was depressed, tired, and living like a slob, she called again and said she was picking up package stamps for my birthday present. This is when I got a bit angry, and told her the same thing again and that if she sends me something, I’ll flippin’ send it back and to please listen when I say something.
She didn’t listen. I didn’t check my mail because I didn’t expect anything, she called me the day before my birthday, Saturday, and asked if I received a package, and told her no. She says there’s probably a postage slip in my mail (“come pick up the package before 7 work days are over” type of slip, standard in Germany).
I told her I was actually quite miffed about that and now I can’t pick it up anyway because I won’t be here for 2 weeks and the package center is closed now and closed on Sundays.
She got mad, hung up, didn’t call on my birthday, and has not contacted me or said anything.
So please help me out here…
AITJ for not accepting and consequently sending back (automatically sending back) the gift my mom sent me after telling her multiple times not to?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ You were very clear about what you want. She didn’t care and now she’s angry you did exactly what you told everyone weeks ago you’ll do?
People like your mum drive me insane. And I’m sorry you’re down, hope you have qualified help to get you out of it.” VineViniVici
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – too often when dealing with family we are expected to overlook or under-criticize because “they’re family” Forget that.
If your mother is mad about the gift being returned, you warned her. Logistics, not of your devising, prevented you from picking it up.” wynlyndd
Another User Comments:
“Everyone’s a jerk here – Your mom for not listening/disregarding everything you told her and you for acting like someone giving you a gift is such an awful thing.
There are far more terrible things happening in the world. You should’ve just accepted it and moved on. And your mom needs to work on listening to you and respecting your wishes.” darkshether
12. AITJ For Keeping Some Snacks To Myself In My College Dorm?
“Ok so basically, I’m in college and there are four people in my dorm. Our layout is a dorm room, then a common room (with a basket of snacks to share), then another dorm room.
My issue is with my direct roommate, let’s call her Maria. Since the beginning of the year, I have been buying snacks with my own money and putting some in our basket to share and some for just myself. The reason for me keeping my snacks to myself is that whenever I put snacks that I like in the common basket they are gone within days and I don’t ever get to enjoy them or even eat them sometimes.
For some reason, this angers Maria, and I don’t understand why. It’s not as if I never share my snacks with the rest of my roommates, I do it pretty frequently, more than her.
One of my other roommates, let’s call her Star, has told me multiple times that Maria has come to her complaining about how I keep snacks to myself and don’t share with her.
This makes me upset because she rarely asks for my snacks and talks negatively about me instead of just asking for them. If she would ask, I would gladly share some with her. She has asked in the past, and I have given them to her happily and with a good attitude.
Is it some courtesy thing I’m missing? Am I supposed to be offering my snacks to her 24/7?
Three times this semester (which is only 3 weeks in) I spent my own money and put snacks for us to share in the common basket. Somehow, this goes underappreciated, and instead, she talks behind my back about how I don’t share.
These were snacks that I enjoyed as well, not my “scraps” or snacks I don’t want anymore.
Most recently, I bought 4 boxes of Girl Scout cookies, two for myself, and two to share (which I think is generous, especially considering the shipping was expensive). I tried to listen to her concerns (which I heard from Star, not from Maria herself) by buying boxes for us to share, as well as some for myself.
It seemed like a good balance. Not. Today I found out that Maria complained to Star AGAIN, that I kept the good Girl Scout cookie flavors to myself and only put the bad ones to share. This hurts me because I was trying to stop being so possessive with my food and share more, but it still doesn’t please her.
If she is not going to ask, how am I supposed to know she wants them or is upset that I won’t give some to her?
I do admit that I can be possessive with my food, but this is because I grew up in a household where I would ask my mom to specifically buy things for me, and then everyone would eat them and I would never get the chance to enjoy the things I liked. My parents were buying the groceries, so obviously I had no leg to stand on, but now that I’m paying for things myself, I don’t think my point of view is dismissible.
Also, it’s my own funds. I feel I can do whatever I want with it.
Am I being rude? Is this uncourteous? Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You seem to share a lot, but I don’t hear about your roommates sharing much.
Giving half your Girl Scout cookies to the common area is a lot more generous than I would be. When I’ve gone through similar circumstances I learned to say “I shared, you didn’t, now I’m not.” Don’t feel guilt over someone else’s greed.” verminiusrex
Another User Comments:
“Maria’s a mooch. I don’t imagine she has shared anything with you. Don’t be bothered by her games –trying to extort snacks from you. She complains behind your back because it is a way to get at you. If she were to talk to you directly, she would be unable to make a valid complaint.” SleightofHand13
Another User Comments:
“YTJ because you keep putting snacks on the shared basket. You let her manipulate you, just grow up and stop sharing, if she dares to talk to you about it just say that you are not obligated to make her broke self happy.” Appropriate_Disk_927
11. AITJ For Wanting Some Time To Myself In My Husband's Family House?
“To give some backstory, we moved across the country to a state where I know zero people and my husband’s entire family is here.
I work in child care. I watch 16 2.5-3-year-old children, some very high needs, daily. My husband, our 3-year-old daughter, and my preteen son with autism and ADHD currently live with his parents because we moved from out of state and need time to get on our feet.
Most weekends our kids’ cousins spend Friday nights with their grandparents, meaning there are 4 kids in the house. They also have a family day with around 30 people every Sunday. This weekend the kids stayed Saturday night also. I try to help as much as I can because Grandma is disabled.
This morning I expressed to my husband that I wanted to get up early and help clean so that we could go to the store before family day so I could have some time out of the house, not at work. While I was making breakfast the other adults in the house decided that the men and two children would leave and that I would be staying to help with the other two children and clean.
Rather than mentioning the fact that I had already expressed my needs, he proceeded to tell me the decision and tell me I was being ridiculous for reacting with “Why am I the one that gets stuck here this time?” Because it has happened before.
He says I need to stand up for myself and be a part of the conversation if I want to make decisions. I had heard my name mentioned while making breakfast and asked what was going on just to be told not to worry about it.
Maybe I could have handled it better, but I felt trapped. On his days off he goes to the gym, to our friends’ house, and buys any little trinket his heart desires. On my days off I watch more children, plus ours, and have to be in a house full of his family with no time to myself, or time to get out of the house besides grocery shopping.
I also have shoes with no tread, and maybe 3 pairs of pants without holes in them. He says he is always telling me to go have time to myself or go buy what I need, but when it comes down to it he asks me “With what money” or “Is that a priority right now” Meanwhile spending money on Lego sets for himself, his gym membership when we have nobody to watch our kids for me to use his “pass” when he said I’d be able to.
He’s telling me I need professional help and that I’m toxic and told me to go out by myself, but I have to be back in an hour for family day, and like I mentioned previously I know nobody.
Yes, I screamed. Yes, it escalated. I had already mentioned what I wanted to do for the day.
All I wanted was to get out of the house for ONE of my days off. I need some outside perspective. Am I toxic? AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“You are married to a man who is fine with his wife wearing crumbling shoes when she has a physically active job.
That alone is deeply troubling. Anyone whose spouse has no adequate footwear should have that as their priority. Period. But he spends money on Legos. And he calls you toxic. This is a nightmare. You are NTJ. Get out.” superfastmomma
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Pack up your children and go back to your family or friends.
You have been brought out there to be a prisoner of these people. It’s no surprise you snapped. You need to go. That is a highly toxic and abusive environment for you and your children to be in. It’s time to look at what is happening.
He makes sure you have nothing but empty promises. Don’t take anybody on, just take the kids and leave. Have paperwork started for custody and divorce without telling them. Please update. Your circumstances have me worried. Good luck.” Less_Ordinary_8516
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Make him change his gym membership to one that offers childcare.
If your child is toilet trained, then leave your husband and your child and take a vacation for yourself. There is somewhere you can go, be it an Airbnb rental or a supportive social group that does activities. And do them. There may be barriers but make it clear to ALL that when you are not at your paid job, you will no longer provide free childcare.
You may have to ‘leave’ the premises but make it happen. No one is going to take care of you BUT you.” JustAGal_Love
10. AITJ For Accidentally Misleading People Into Thinking I Was Disabled As A Child?
“Today I was having a conversation over the phone with a lifelong friend (R) about memories from our childhood. We eventually got to the topic of her TikTok account blowing up years ago and how it was her proudest accomplishment at the time.
I countered with the time I got put on the front page of the local newspaper by sitting in a wheelchair.
This happened during a parade for a summer festival. We live in an extremely cultural area, native language is commonplace, etc. All the schools in the town get their float theme, costumes, etc. Ours that year was puppets, we spent days after school painting, sculpting, sewing, and gluing!
We made about 20 puppets in total. One was a decrepit old lady, with sloppily applied wool hair, and a long face. Being the main artist, I got priority over which puppet I wanted to carry. I chose her, partly because I felt bad that someone would have to hold her and partly cause she came with a wheelchair.
What could be more fun than a wheelchair all to myself? Well, not myself. My best friend (G) and I were inseparable, during the parade, we took turns pushing it.
Until I got tired just at the bottom of a hill. My skinny anemic self knew she couldn’t make it up, so I gave G a warning look and she shrugged towards the chair.
I obliged, like most would.
Just at the top of the hill, this bald guy with a camera’s eyes lit up, like he’d seen something amazing. He made a beeline towards us and snapped a few glory shots of me grinning with a puppet on my lap, & poor sweaty little G behind me, thankful that hill was over.
Years later at 13, while recounting this story to a friend of my dad’s it clicked to me why he was laughing, and why everyone had laughed when I told them. The camera guy thought I was disabled. Haha funny. From then if it was ever brought up, I’d tell it as a quick laugh in conversation.
Same thing today only this time I didn’t receive the usual response. R thought that story was awful. That me recounting it as a joke sends a weird message, like making fun of experiences many disabled people face daily, and at the time I probably should have asked for those photos not to be used as I wasn’t disabled. I should have known better at 10.
She said that she didn’t know this side of me, and questioned if I seriously hadn’t realized what I had done.
I can appreciate that I was wrong for joking about that, as I see how it comes off in a way that is not intended. I never want to hurt someone intentionally.
I will certainly cease. However, I can’t fathom how I can be to blame for those photos getting published, and how I handed it. I genuinely didn’t know there was an “it”. I’m now getting the silent treatment. Am I a jerk for not spotting it sooner?”
Another User Comments:
“You were anemic and had been heavily exerting yourself in a parade. You had a medical condition that made you, effectively, an ambulatory wheelchair user. You weren’t mocking disabled people, you were making use of a mobility aid that you needed at the moment.
It wasn’t your responsibility to run around clarifying that for everyone. Recounting it as a joke *is* a bit weird, not necessarily because it’s ableist but because, well… where’s the joke? It’s funny that someone snapped a bunch of pictures of you in a wheelchair, even though you don’t normally need one.
I could see how someone who regularly uses a wheelchair, whether they’re ambulatory or not, might feel a little bit dismissed by people laughing at the story. Ultimately, No jerks here. R isn’t wrong that you probably shouldn’t tell the story to get laughs, but you didn’t do anything wrong way back then.
Live and learn.” CJ_Boiss
9. AITJ For Wanting To Split Apartment Sale Proceeds Based On Our Individual Investments?
“My parents are Chinese and have always told me that family shouldn’t count what they owe each other monetarily and should help each other out when needed.
About 9 years ago, a year after I started work, my parents encouraged/pushed me to own instead of rent. I made a good income, more than them, but didn’t have a lot saved yet. I found an apartment in a more affordable area, which I thought would at least help me save money.
They gave $50k and I put a $15k down payment for the mortgage, Dad and I were joint tenants with the right of survivorship, although I made all mortgage payments for 4+ years.
About 5 years ago I moved states for work, and my parents pushed hard to rent out the apartment instead of selling it.
My wife and I had spent a decent amount improving the place and would have preferred to sell, but we were occupied with the move and decided to not fight about it. The plan was to let Dad collect rent and manage the apartment (he ended up doing very little of that mostly because he didn’t have to) while I occasionally handled communications with the tenant, and he would take over mortgage payments.
I could have let him handle monthly association fees (almost 1/3 of the mortgage payments) but because by then I earned much more than him and I thought he was in too much debt, I volunteered to keep paying, trying to be a good Chinese son and not let my parents be poor while I lived well.
This way the rent earned him money, rather than being slightly less than the mortgage + fees.
Fast forward to yesterday, I have been arranging to sell the apartment because I moved again and need more cash to buy a home in this market. I was talking to my dad about splitting proceeds after paying off the remaining mortgage.
I offered to give him 1/3 of the proceeds after taxes and fees, which would give him about a 100% profit on his initial $50k payment (I was willing to overlook the fact that he made money on the home afterward).
He has no other mortgage or debt, but he immediately proposes that whatever we make, we should deduct taxes, give him his initial down payment back, and then split 50-50.
I saw red and was so angry I could barely speak. Trying not to flip out, I told him that’s not fair because I paid a lot more, but he argued that I got to live there for 4 years (ignoring completely the monthly fee payments I made to help them since I left, which made sure he made money).
I told him that if that’s how he wanted it, I would calculate every amount we each spent and divide proceeds based on that (I outspent him at least 3-1 even accounting for savings from having to pay rent).
I feel betrayed for what I’ve already spent to help my parents, and for Dad ignoring the principles about family and money they raised me on.
WIBTJ if I tabulated every penny spent by each of us on the apartment and demand that I get my portion accordingly?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ If your dad wants to play stupid games, he can also win stupid prizes. He’s letting money get in the way of his own family and is trying to get more than he should have.
Of course you lived there for 4 years, it was YOUR HOME. I hope this is also a lesson for you to start cutting ties with your parents financially and start making your own decisions.” TheSciFiGuy80
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, Putting it on paper is exactly what you should do, and then divide the proceeds according to the proportion of initial investment.
Business is business. He will have profited and that is just going to have to be good enough, for now. Tell him you are planning for his and your mother’s geriatric future. You helped him, he is being greedy.” ConfusedAt63
Another User Comments:
“So they paid 50k into the home.
You paid the mortgage for 4 years, and then rent covered the mortgage for another 5. You claim to have outspent them 3/1, meaning you have spent 150k. Was your mortgage 150k in 4 years? Seems unlikely for a house that was secured with a 50k down payment. Also, you said they gave you 50k, but you put a down payment of 15k.
What did you do with the other 35k? Or did you put a down payment of 65k down?” First-Lengthiness-16
8. AITJ For Insisting On Celebrating My Grandma's Birthday On A Weekend?
“My grandma is turning 78 years old this month, so I’ve reached out via group chat to all of her children(my aunts and uncles) both living abroad and locally if they have plans to celebrate her birthday.
They said yes, and I asked them if would it be okay if we celebrated her birthday on a Saturday, as her birthday falls on Monday, and I wanted everyone to be available during her Birthday.
They again said yes, as well as my cousins who agreed because they either have work or they have children who go to school during the weekdays, and Saturdays or Sundays would be ideal.
I then asked my Grandma if it was okay with her if we celebrated her birthday on Saturday and explained to her why we were doing it, and she agreed to move her Birthday celebration early.
Now, one of her children, let’s call her Aunt S., has no job so she’s free all the time, and the reason I brought her up, is that after Aunt S.
visited my grandma, my grandma changed her mind and decided to celebrate her birthday on Monday!
When I visited my Grandma again, she then immediately told me, very threatening for some reason that her BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION WILL BE CELEBRATED ON THE DAY OF HER BIRTHDAY which is on Monday.
I explained to her that we already made plans, everyone agreed, and we already set the catering for Saturday but she said “No, we’re celebrating it on Monday”. She then proceeded to tell me that her children abroad did not agree to celebrate her birthday on Saturday and even told her “Why would you celebrate your birthday on a different date??
That doesn’t make sense”.
At this point, I was annoyed, so I pinged the group chat and told them about the update. This is how the group chat went:
Me: *Hey, I thought we agreed that we were gonna celebrate Grandma’s birthday on Saturday? She is saying her birthday celebration is on Monday, and that Aunt_Abroad1 and Aunt_Abroad2 said that they want the celebration to be on Monday.*
Cousin: *That’s not right, we agreed on Saturday, I already told the caterer to deliver the food on Saturday.*
Aunt S.: *Mother wants to celebrate her birthday on her actual birthdate*
Cousin: *Who’s gonna come? We have work and the kids need to prepare for school the next day.*
Aunt S.: *Please tell the caterer to reschedule the food on Monday*
Aunt S.: *Let’s not disagree with her, as it is her birthday and she is getting older.*
Aunt S.: *Let’s spend some time with her on her special day, right everyone? *heart emoji**
Aunt_Abroad1: *I and Aunt_Abroad2 did not discuss anything with Mother about her birthday. We agreed on* u/Pinaslakan*’s schedule. But if that’s what she wants, so be it.*
AITJ for FIGHTING THIS SO MUCH?!?!?!? I wanted to celebrate her birthday on Saturday so EVERYONE is available to celebrate with her and we could spend the whole day with her instead of Monday which is scheduled to start at 6 PM, so we only have a few hours to celebrate and everyone is rushing to get home to prepare for work/school tomorrow.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Which adult expects a birthday party to be celebrated on a Monday? A quick visit, maybe, but a large party? My father, who’s about the same age as your grandma, always plans his birthday parties either on a Friday evening or on a Saturday.
That way it’s most convenient for everyone. And people actually have the time to turn up. Your Aunt S. sounds like a manipulating jerk.” Classic-Okra-3376
7. AITJ For Deducting Laundromat Costs From My Roommate's Utility Bill?
“I need some help. I am a 28 year old female. My 32-year-old male roommate, whom I’ll refer to as Ned, resides in the basement, home to the washer and dryer. Ned is responsible for managing laundry access, but he is consistently unresponsive to our requests.
Since May, I’ve managed to do my laundry merely nine times. My fellow roommate, for a year, has had hers done only three times due to Ned’s unreliability. Despite numerous attempts to address the issue, he becomes defensive and fails to understand our frustration. Our property management company proved futile, as Ned threatened legal action, causing them to back off without resolution.
Last September, I was in the ICU for Acute Liver Failure. Two days before my hospitalization I was consistently throwing up. So when I came back my blankets were still dirty from vomit. I reached out to Ned for laundry assistance. However, he ignored my plea for weeks, leaving me in soiled clothing and blankets.
When he finally texted back he said that due to emotional exhaustion, he hadn’t replied to anyone for weeks. He said he saw it but couldn’t be bothered to text back. When I confronted him he deflected and gaslit his way out of taking responsibility.
This is always the way with him. His selfishness is glaring, and attempts to address it result in absurd justifications.
This brings me to last month. I backed him into a corner. I informed him that I would unlock his door anytime I needed to do laundry.
He said that that would be an invasion of privacy. I told him I didn’t care. For some background, he doesn’t want anyone in his room while he’s not there. My property management told him that he needed to keep his door unlocked but he said he would sue them.
While I can emphasize, with his need for privacy he is never home. Which is why we can never do laundry. He even brought two ring cameras to address this issue but we still have issues accessing the washer and dryer. He realized that I was being serious so he now was willing to come up with a solution.
It’s only been a month, and the agreement to do laundry on Wednesdays has been broken four times. I will admit once it was by me but I gave him a day’s notice.
Now, I owe him $201 for utilities. Frustrated with the laundry situation, I told him I went to the laundromat and I’d spend around $75.
This covered Ubers, a washer, a dryer, and a detergent. I don’t have a car and I will not take my clothes on the bus. I deducted the $75 from the $201 debt. He is super unhappy with this. He claims I can’t afford to live here.
He says he is saving to move out and the longer I don’t pay him the longer I will have to deal with him. He threatened court, saying I’d owe him $14,000 if he sued me. Unfazed, I told him I preferred going to court.
I am sick of having to hand wash clothes, sleeping/wearing dirty clothes, and not feeling clean. Am I wrong for refusing to pay him the full amount?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and this guy is ridiculous. Also curious as to why the property management hasn’t endeavored AT ALL to make sure the laundry space and the basement bedroom space are separated in some way.
I can understand not wanting to have people in your bedroom regularly just to do their laundry…. but also I assume he was aware of this set-up when he signed the lease for the space. It would help to know if there is anything in the lease or at the very least the roommate ad to note that there is laundry in the apartment in the available room and that it is shared amongst all residents so access will be needed. It also sounds like you’ll communicate with him primarily through text, so you have an abundance of proof of his being unwilling and uncommunicative in working with you all to figure out a good time to let you in for your laundry.
Also, wondering what’s in that bedroom that he’s so obnoxiously stubborn about having anyone in the space for laundry.” fallingintopolkadots
6. AITJ For Not Wanting To Extend My Parents' Stay In My House For 18+ Months?
“To begin with, I (34f) love my parents and we are very close. They’ve always been super supportive and I’ve always had a positive relationship with them as well as childhood.
In short, they’re the best!
I recently bought a home (first-time homeowner), and my family was there for me through the entire scary/exciting process. My parents specifically helped a bit with closing costs and as a general sounding board on questions or concerns I had.
The purchase was prompted because we all decided to move from WA to WIN where my older brother lives with his family. Essentially, moving so we are all closer and I was all for this decision.
The initial plan was I get here first, purchase, and settle in then my parents would sell their place, move in with me while they house hunt, and buy their own house to retire in it).
The timeline that we discussed would be 3-5 months but upwards of 6 months of staying with me if needed. Fine with that and thought it would be fun albeit a little challenging at times as my new house (while perfect for me being single with two dogs) is going to be tight with three adults who all work remotely and the addition of their dog.
But all is still fine, it would be temporary.
Fast forward to now a month after I moved in and now we are t-minus a few weeks from their arrival and suddenly the length of stay was extended to 18+ months. I heard they made this decision to stay with me longer secondhand from my brother.
Needless to say, I am upset this was essentially “decided” without even a conversation. The reason for the extension is that said brother is about to start construction on a new house for his family. He is hoping my parents would then buy the home they currently live in once they move out into the new construction.
In theory, I do agree that buying my brother sold house would be great. They love the neighborhood and the house itself. However, the idea of my parents moving in with me for 18ish months which I assume could turn into two years maybe with construction delays + furnishing/logistics sounds..
terrible. My initial gut reaction is “Please no”.
As some background, I haven’t lived with them since I was 20 and I lived with two different partners for over 10 years. I’m finally single living on my own for the past year. In short – I LOVE it.
Having my own space after two abusive relationships has been unimaginably wonderful and I truly do love my solitude. Giving up my newfound peace and personal space even to family whom I care for and love is super saddening which in turn feels incredibly selfish of me.
I’d rather not have a living situation damage the great relationship I have with them but also saying “No” seems like it’s a slap in the face to all of their support.
Any advice on if I am in fact being a major jerk would be appreciated as I’m probably making this problematic when it shouldn’t be.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – the deal was 6 months. In addition, in any living arrangement, you need to have clear and open communication to ensure a healthy environment for all parties. When you discuss this with your parents, reinforce that their inability to have this conversation with YOU when they’d be living in YOUR home was a giant red flag.
They shouldn’t be discussing an arrangement with your brother and altering the timeline based on his needs when it impacts you directly. As they are unable to be good roommates, it would be best if the arrangement sticks with the original timeline or not at all.
If your brother is that invested in the idea, he can house them himself.” CuriousTsukihime
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Talk to your parents to clarify anticipated timelines and establish if your brother is correct in his expectations that your parents will be buying his house.
If it is indeed going to be that long I’d suggest their renting a small house is a better fit all round.” Uppercreek101
Another User Comments:
“Oh my! No. NTJ. 6 months is TOUGH alone, let alone 18? I would have them not sell yet. Tell them they are welcome to visit for a bit here and there (maybe an extended stay for a couple of weeks) but 6 months is the maximum.
Working remotely is such a blessing, but if all 3 of you are doing it, it can get very difficult. Adults sharing that much time and space is a recipe for disaster.” JGalKnit
5. AITJ For Expecting My Roommate To Stick To Our 12-Month Lease Agreement?
“Me (‘A’, F23), and my 2 friends (‘B’, F23 & ‘C’, F23) are all close friends who decided to move in together after Uni.
We stayed in one place for 12 months but moved to a new flat as B found her room too small (it was all we could find after 6 months in our budget).
The new flat we found was a final option before having to renew the original flat or become homeless. This new flat is a 6-month rolling lease, then we just provide 1 month’s notice to leave.
Before signing, we all agreed to stay 12 months due to moving costs and C not being able to do a short lease due to exams and travel plans – otherwise, she’d have had to find somewhere on her own.
The agreement falls apart as B’s partner has got his dream job offer starting in September – in London (we’re up north). B now wants to move out in September with him.
This is against the 12 months initially agreed. We tried to compromise from 12 months to 10 (October) for various reasons.
September is not possible for C as she is in America for 3 weeks with work which would overlap the lease end date of September. In July & August, C is studying for her final qualification exam and then goes away for 2 weeks. I am a nurse who works 12/13 hour shifts, including nights.
Neither of us can do viewings or do the physical process of moving out in September and believe October is a good compromise (even if it’s not the full 12 months). C and I can’t comfortably cover the cost of the 3 bed flat.
We discussed the above with B, who was unwilling to listen to our points.
There is nothing requiring her to move in September as they both plan to live with B’s partner’s parents for a bit before renting their own place. After the initial meeting, B agreed that if she doesn’t get a job starting in September she will stay until October, however, we know she is telling jobs she can start in September anyway.
Our final proposal is an October move-out date, and if she is required to move in September due to a job, then she must cover any costs that are not dependent on the number of people, e.g. rent, council tax, and we will split costs of breaking 12-month agreements, e.g. insurance, broadband.
We feel like B is being unreasonable as she is only considering her wants and not considering her two close friends at all. Nothing is requiring her to move by September and nothing stopping her from staying until October, whereas C will not be in the country to move out Sept will be my 6th move in 5 years so I am not keen on having to do the whole process again in even less than a year now, and due to reasons that aren’t even my own.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. ‘This new flat is a 6-month rolling lease, then we just provide 1-month notice to leave.’ That’s the end of it – 6months. Month notice. Done. ‘Before signing, we all agreed to stay 12 months due to moving costs…’ Too bad.
She is not obligated to do this; you have plenty of time to find a replacement roommate. ” happybanana134
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – It depends if B signed anything to the effect of being there for 12 months, if she did sign up for 12 months, she needs to cover the 12 months, if she didn’t and is just breaking a promise to you other two, well I guess you just lost her as a friend.” Mustng1966
Another User Comments:
“The decent thing would be for her to hold up her end of the deal and stay or pay rent until October. It doesn’t sound like that will happen though. Is there a deposit that she put up that you can use towards her rent?
NTJ for you guys expecting her to hold up her end of the deal.” tammy94903
4. AITJ For Telling My Partner Not To Forgive His Brother's Mean Partner?
“My partner (21) and I (22) have been together for a year now. He has a twin brother John (21) who also has a partner Emilie (20).
Here is the issue. For the past months, Emilie has been rude to my partner for no reason, and every time his brother would find an excuse for her behavior. It all started in November, my partner and I lived together. She wanted to come to sleep at their house but my partner said he had multiple exams the next day and that he wanted to focus without having people making noises plus he was unwell.
So, he said maybe next time. John, his brother proceeded to tell her that but he said a bunch of lies. She blocked my partner instantly on social media. Me and my partner thought it was a bit immature but we moved on. His brother, John came back on him to say he had to apologize for not letting her sleep over that night.
A couple of weeks later, my partner apologized. We thought everything was fine but I guess not.
The last straw was last month, January 2024, when we all went on a trip to NH. The whole trip she was being mean to my partner. My partner has food poisoning so he needed to go to the bathroom a lot and she was making fun of him which ruined the trip.
Now, John told my partner that she was stressed and she just lost her job that’s why she was like this. Even though I don’t believe that’s a good reason, and my partner I moved on. Now, yesterday, we all gathered at my partner’s house.
John wanted us to meet their friends. So we all went and we played games. Just for the information, as soon as I stepped in the house, I felt a bad energy. When we were playing games, she was saying little mean things. I would call that microaggressions.
While we were playing a game, my partner eliminated Emilie. After that, she exploded, and she started to insult him saying that he had no brain. John, his brother stood there and was also insulting him during the game. The atmosphere was really bad. All of his friends and I were uncomfortable.
Everyone left after 30 min. At the end of the night, his brother was feeling guilty.
Now, back to this afternoon, John went to Emilie’s house. He came back and talked to my partner. He tried to explain that she had a lot going on and it was his fault.
He made a bunch of excuses. I don’t believe it. I saw my partner having a hard time yesterday and I think it was the last straw. I told my partner that he shouldn’t forgive him right away since he has been doing that for the past few months.
I suspect that the reason why, she doesn’t act this way with me is because she knows that I don’t play with bullies. Contrary to me, my partner is more sweet and calm and he won’t react but I can see that it’s draining him.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Just ghost these two already. They are nothing but pure drama. And I believe above you need to keep the BS drama out of your life John said it best, at least in that moment, ‘He tried to explain that she has a lot going on and it’s his fault.’ Yes, it would be all his fault, having a wacky partner, and lying to both of you.
And just being a mouth guy who puts up with all this nonsense from his partner. I would have your partner tell his brother it’s either you two or her. Choose, Bro.” Mustng1966
Another User Comments:
“Everyone’s a jerk here, I guess, although I’m not sure your partner does.
Recognize and respect that your partner gets to make his own decisions about how to handle problems with his brother. Is there any reason he can’t do that? It sounds like Emilie is difficult and rude, and you get to make your decision about whether to be around her, whether to be around John, and whether to listen to your partner complain about it.
You can be with your partner and still set that boundary so you don’t have to deal with her behavior yourself. Maybe that will help him to see what it looks like to stand up to someone who is being mean like Emilie. But you have been with a guy for one year and don’t live with him, so it’s not enough of a partner commitment to start telling him whether he should forgive his twin brother for that brother’s partner’s behavior.
You may or may not be right about the best way to handle this, but he gets to make his own choices. He has much more at stake here than you do, and you should stay out of it. Just tell him you don’t want to be around Emilie or even talk about her much.” Germane7
3. AITJ For Being Upset At My Partner's Insensitive Jokes?
“I, (19F) have been seeing my partner (20M) for almost 10 months now. We met through some mutual friends and hit it off one time at a party that we both attended. We both live in different areas of our state (around 2-3 hours away from each other) so we see each other once or twice a month, as we both have to juggle work while still making time for each other.
My grandfather was born and raised in Europe and had a very hard life. He eventually moved with his brothers to the country we live in now, but his stories and experiences were never forgotten. Night tremors, screaming in his sleep, and flinching at planes are just some of the things that set him off easily.
Seeing this, I learned about our family history and I understand what my grandfather was going through.
My partner, however, is not as sympathetic to the cause. He likes to initiate in “Dark Humor” and likes to joke about insensitive and often traumatic subjects and has made a lot of insensitive jokes.
I’ve told him to stop this kind of “joking” before and he has been good up until recently.
Four days ago, we were engaging in our morning video call when he let out some gas. It was quite funny until he said another horrible joke. He began laughing again and I stopped and looked at him.
Silent.
He looked at me, puzzled, and said “Oh come on it’s funny, don’t be such a buzzkill.” I looked at him, furrowing my brow, and said “You know how I feel about that subject, and you know how bad it affected my grandad.”
His expression turned from confused to agitated and he said “ I don’t know why you’re getting mad at me it was a joke and I’m not the only one who talks like that, my friends say things like that all the time and you don’t say anything.”
“You’re right,” I said and he went silent “Your friends do say that a lot but this is about you and your actions and what you say because I’m with you, not them and your actions impact the way people see me, especially my family because I’m sure my grandfather would love to know that you’re making fun of his trauma, and the over 1.5million people who died would too.”
My partner replied,” Jokes like that make me likable to everyone though and it wasn’t me who died though so I don’t know why it matters.”
After he said that, I hung up the phone because I had heard enough of his nonsense excuses.
Since then I have been bombarded by messages from his family including his mother and father saying that I need to stop “changing their son” and controlling him, even though I had previously stated that making fun of things to do with my family is the final straw for me and that if he were to do something like that I would expect some sort of change if he wanted to stay with me.
I’m not sure what else to say to him, he has been calling and texting me and I haven’t replied and I have no idea what to do about all this.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your partner isn’t using “dark humor”. He’s anti-semitic and he’s demonstrating that to you quite clearly and repeatedly.
To add some context, his family, who want you to stop “changing their son” and “controlling him” are also anti-semites. Continue to not reply to your partner’s calls and texts.” tinyd71
2. AITJ For Wanting To Prioritize My Own Family Over My In-Laws?
“My wife, baby, and I moved in with her father and two younger brothers to help them recover with rent until they get back on their feet after their mother left. While I initially wanted to help, I’m now realizing that this may have been a mistake.
Some background: Their mom was responsible for all bills and rent. She was unfaithful to my FIL and left the family. We moved into their family house which is 3 Bedrooms. The master bedroom is on the backside of the house with a living area. The two other bedrooms are on the front side with a living area.
The kitchen is in between. Shoes are allowed inside the house on my FIL/BIL side but not on our side.
Our side of the house, which I try to keep clean, is constantly dirtied by careless behavior and the family dogs. The backyard is full of dog waste, adding to my stress.
On top of that, the dogs are never walked, and often, they forget to feed them and just overall do not look after them when I’m WFH and I’m in meetings and the dogs are barking.
The family dynamics are difficult. The youngest brother is more responsible and does more chores with little pushback than the 22-year-old, who spends his money on gaming and his room setup (he’s bought and gone through four different desks in the past year) and relies on us for transportation.
We frequently end up buying food for the brothers, which has become a financial burden.
Disagreements over chores often lead to hostility and foul language. The father sometimes invades our privacy by walking into our room and appears to undermine my role as a father.
I noticed he likes to take my daughter from my hands without asking but does not do that with my wife. Maybe I’m just overreacting?
I sometimes feel mocked by my father, especially when he jokes about landing a job with retirement benefits, coinciding with my new job that provides such benefits.
It feels like a targeted jab, though I could be misinterpreting his intentions. He works as a chef and doesn’t get paid well IMO, but to me, it seems like he feels threatened by me about being the man of the house.
The brothers view my wife as a mother figure, telling her, “You’re more of a mother to us than our mom.” This dynamic has increased our emotional and financial stress.
The 22-year-old brother talks negatively about me, telling my wife that I spend money on unnecessary things. He also has said verbatim, “This household is toxic.” Which I find ironic since he has a victim mentality and blames everyone for the situation he is in.
He and I don’t have much of a relationship and I tend to joke around more and talk to his younger brother than with him.
I understand now that moving in with them was a mistake, but it’s a lesson learned. My intention was genuinely to help.
This experience has significantly diminished my savings. While we plan to move out, my wife and I seem to have different views on our support for her family. AITJ for telling my wife to prioritize our family over her brothers and father and move out?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Though it seems like both the FIL and 22-year-old BIL are in jerk territory, between you and your wife, I don’t see any jerks. You moved in to help them get back on their feet. This means that the plan was ALWAYS to get FIL running his household again, but if what you’re doing now isn’t moving them closer to that goal, then the right thing to do is rethink your tactics and change gears.
No jerkness there. Your wife may have a different viewpoint on the situation, especially if you WFH and she works outside the home. She might not be seeing what you’re seeing. She may think things are working towards the initial goal. Maybe they are in some ways you’re not seeing?
No jerkiness there, either. You need to talk with your wife and make a plan, OP. It sounds like your FIL is too young to give up his title of man of the house, so moving out may not just be what’s best for your immediate family, OP.
It may be best for all of you.” toxicredox
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here currently, because I need more information. Like how is she providing and would you say that the aid she provides detracts profoundly from your family dynamic? Also, the men on her side of the family kind of sound like a mess.
How are 3 grown adults unable to support themselves in the absence of a single person? This was mentioned already but you need to sit down with your wife and come up with a plan/timeframe for when to move out. If she’s completely opposed you need to get her to understand how stressful this situation has become for you.” HeadyReigns
1. AITJ For Being Upset That My Best Friend Invited Her Coworkers To My Birthday Party?
“I’m (20F) turning 21 in a few weeks and I’m planning on going bar-hopping with a handful of my close friends to celebrate.
I was looking forward to it and was wanting to keep the group small, like 6 people. It would be me, my significant other (25M), my 3 best friends Betty (21 F), Deb (21 F) and Steve (22M), and Betty’s significant other (22M). Then, yesterday Betty mentioned that she told all the girls at her work about my birthday and they were going to meet us at a popular bar that we planned on going to.
This bugged me because I have never met her coworkers and although this is a public place, this is my birthday party and I wanted to be with my close friends. I asked my friend Deb (who is also in the friend group) for advice on this and she agreed it was a weird situation and strange that she would invite them but also it’s a public place so I can’t control it.
Deb encouraged me to open up to Betty about how I was feeling and she was sure she would understand.
I messaged Betty and nicely, told her it made me uncomfortable to have her coworkers who I’d never met join us. I told her I wanted to keep the group small with my close friends and I know it’s a public place but the only reason I was bringing it up was because it’s my birthday and I hope she can understand.
While I don’t expect the world to revolve around me, I was expecting her reply to be sensitive to my feelings since we’re best friends, but instead, she said her coworkers will probably do their own thing and they just want to party.
She said she’d probably go between the groups and socialize and that’s just how things are at bars.
I feel sad because I feel like Betty isn’t prioritizing my birthday. I don’t want to seem selfish, but I feel like it’s not too much to ask for my best friends to prioritize my party and what would make me comfortable on one day a year.
As I said, I wanted to keep my group small, so for one of my closest friends to spend half of the time away from our group would be noticeable to me. At this point, I kind of have to accept that her coworkers will be there, which I understand because it’s a public place.
But like I said, it disappoints me that Betty wouldn’t want to be there for me completely for my birthday party instead of dividing her attention between two groups.
I saw Betty today and she kind of gave me the cold shoulder. She didn’t give me the silent treatment but when she talked to me it was short and unenthused, while she was acting enthusiastic to another friend who she was talking to.
I feel like this is very immature considering I’m the one who should be mad if anyone is, but now she’s acting like she’s the one mad at me.
AITJ for being upset that my best friend invited her coworkers to the place where I’m having my birthday party and is intending on splitting her time between the groups?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If she told me ‘Hey, my co-workers are coming’, I’d take it as she invited them to my birthday party. If this wasn’t her intention, she should’ve told you right away that they won’t be joining you. But even then it sounds weird because she’s telling you that she wants to spend a night at the bar, but not with you, which sounds quite rude to me.
It’s your birthday party, which is once a year, while she can go out with her colleagues whenever she wants to.” advocatus_diaboli-
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but the solution’s simple: make a last-minute change to the place your birthday group is going to. Pick someplace quite a ways from this popular bar.
Let the group know you’ve made the change. Give a reason – ANY reason – You’ve decided you like this other place better: the first place was going to be too crowded: whatever. Betty then has to make a proper choice – is she going out for a night with her work friends or is she going to your birthday celebration?
She can pick either, but she won’t be going back and forth between the two groups, which I agree would be both annoying and rude.” Enough-Process9773
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m petty and would hold my celebration somewhere else without telling Betty. Let her party it up with her friends while y’all have a wild time without her.
She is a bad person to do this to you and I’d be darned before I’d have my party anywhere she might feel included.” 2Tears-n-a-bucket
