People Need Input On Their "Am I The Jerk?" Situation
15. AITJ For Not Letting My Ex Brother-In-Law's Stepchildren Have My Sister's Belongings After She Passed?
“My sister Anna died 8 years ago. She had two boys, Luca and Milo, with her husband.
The boys were her whole world and when she realized she wasn’t going to make it she took me aside and told me she wanted me to look after her possessions, which included her small jewelry collection, a couple of very fancy art supplies (think custom paint brushes kinda thing), some stuffed animals she’d had since childhood and some family photos/baby books and blankets saved that belonged to our family.
She told me she knew her husband would move on and she worried he would allow any future children of his to have her stuff, instead of her boys once they became of age. She made me promise I would keep them for the boys once they moved out.
I made her the promise and I kept it.
He knew about it and was extremely unhappy with Anna’s decision. He felt betrayed and like they should be just as much his as hers. But legally, he couldn’t do anything.
My former BIL remarried 6 years ago and has two stepdaughters as well as a bio daughter.
Luca and Milo come to my house one weekend a month (which was ordered by the courts) and while they are with me they have admitted to feeling like their dad wants them to treat the three girls like their mom’s kids. He had asked them to ask me to give the girls the jewelry and stuffed animals.
The boys also told me he had shown the girls the photos of the two of them with the stuffed animals and the girls got really jealous. They said they don’t want their mom’s stuff to go to them. I promised them it would not and that I would give it to them one day.
Former BIL’s oldest stepdaughter is turning 13 soon and apparently, she wanted my sister’s locket or a lookalike. He approached me about it and I told him no way. He told me I was being selfish and they are Milo and Luca’s sisters and Anna’s memory should be shared with them and they should feel like they have a guardian angel looking out for them.
I told him Anna had not wanted that and her priority would always have been her children over children he had or took on with someone else. I told him those three girls were nothing to do with Anna and were not entitled to any of her possessions.
He called me a jerk and told me I was making the girls feel bad and that even if Anna never met them, I should have accepted them as family and done my best to treat them as such. He also brought up my not even letting them see the things in person, the stuffed animals especially, and I do remember his younger stepdaughter who is 10, was upset to not get to see them.
It makes me wonder if I’m being too harsh with the kids. But I also don’t want them to get attached either because they will never actually get anything from me (and the boys don’t consider them sisters so it’s unlikely they will ever give them anything either).
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are right, it’s your late sister’s precious possessions and she specifically asked for them to be saved for her sons.
Your nephews’ stepsisters are not entitled to those things, and it’s terrible for the father to support this notion of entitlement.
They have their own mother and should treasure that. Your nephews will grow up without their own mother, and though nothing can ever replace the experience of having her in their lives, her things and her expressed desire to leave them to her sons will surely bring a lot of comfort through the years.
There will come a day when your former BIL will guilt-trip the boys to ask you to hand over the things to share with the girls. Stand firm, OP.” fancythat012
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, he’s using the kids as a pawn. They wouldn’t know about any of it if he didn’t tell them.
He’s trying to take memories of your sister and his sons’ mom and give them to a bunch of kids who wouldn’t know her from a practical stranger. It wouldn’t be appropriate even if Anna was alive. Those are not her kids.
Make sure those possessions are locked up in a safe. And that your will reflects that these things go to the boys ONLY. Just in case. Cause your BIL is being gross. Assure your nephews that the items are safe and will remain so until they decide what to do with them.” Chaoticgood790
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, this is exactly why your sister left her stuff with you and not your former BIL. He’s doing exactly what she feared he would do. Stand your ground. You’re not being mean to his stepchildren. You’re respecting Anna’s wishes as well as your nephews’.
Those girls never even met your sister so how could she be their “guardian angel”? If anything, she’s her sons’ guardian angel. He never should have even shown the girls pictures of these things.
Are you sure he wants these for the girls or for himself?
Is any of the stuff she left with you valuable? Collector’s items? Limited edition? I just can’t figure out why he’s acting like this.
Also, can I say my heart breaks for your sister? The fact that as she knew her time was almost up she knew her husband would pull something like this is breaking my heart.
What the heck was this jerk of a man saying before she passed that she knew this happening was a possibility?!” SarcasticAzaleaRose
14. AITJ For Purposely Giving My Chronically Late Friends An Earlier Time To Meet Up?
“So I (32f) have been friends with this group of people (30-31-32/f) since high school.
I love them all to death but Jesus Christ on a cruise ship when we plan something, they are always consecutively late. Every time and it drives me nuts. One year they almost made us miss our flight home. And they always say they forgot the time or thought they had more and just goofed around.
It has gotten to the point where I will meet them because I refuse to get caught up in the drama. Last year I left on my own accord to the airport because they were all passed out and would not wake up. They missed checkout and had to pay for an extra day.
Then they barely made it to the airport in time for their flights.
Apparently, I’m “pushy” for ensuring we leave at a certain time, considering traffic, possible accidents/ delays, and even looking up shortcuts in case. Throughout the years sharing a ride with them has almost made me late to work before.
Lesson learned so now I take an extra day off just in case. Our vacations themselves are fun and easygoing.
So this vacation was pretty smooth up until the end. We all decided to choose a night when we would plan all of the events.
Mine was Friday. It was a fairly relaxing day. I scheduled a pedi for 9:30 am and I told them it was at 8:45. They showed up at 9:15 and were surprised we got in so quickly. I reserved a table for us for lunch at 1 pm, I told them it was for 12:30.
They arrived at 12:52 with the same reaction. That night I had reserved us a table at this really nice dining establishment for 7:30, and I told them 6:45. They arrived at 7:10 pm. It was a great night!
Sunday, when we were going home, I said my goodbyes, checked out of my hotel room, and took my separate Uber to the airport for my 2 pm flight home.
I got home around 8 and turned on my phone to the equivalent of an assault on my group chat. Apparently, they had left late again and one of them missed their flight and they were arguing about it. I told my roomie what was going on and what I did and she said that was “rude” of me to manipulate their time like that.
She knows one of the girls and told her what I did and now all of the girls are mad at me. My Friday scheduling had absolutely nothing to do with one missing their flight.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“ESH I guess?
I agree with what you did, for the record, as a punctual Polly myself, but it’s technically very light manipulation, and that’s never good.
That said your friends are rude. Being chronically late is disrespectful to everyone’s time. They should be understanding and let this slide If you say “okay I get why it wasn’t cool — but do you see what I mean about how nice it is to be on time?
You all enjoyed your day for it more, and my intentions were just that. I didn’t think of it as manipulative, but I see why it is now.”
If you’re the only one who cares you kind of have to grin and bear it. I’d have a very hard time doing that if I was in your shoes though.
So rude of them!” Away-Caterpillar-176
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I’m not really sure why they’re mad at you? They’re mad because they had a good night? I mean if you gave them the proper times, no doubt the night would have been in shambles as you had to wait for new times or even just abandon plans due to them being late, so where’s the harm?
You all had fun.
It sounds like you’re super organized and they’re just super laid back. You’re not going to change (and nor should you have to) and neither are they, so this is likely going to be a point of friction until it gets to the point where one side just gets fed up.
Maybe it’s time to look at branching out in terms of friends. Not saying cut these ones off, but is it really worth the hassle and you getting blamed? Doesn’t sound much like a fun friend group to me.
Also, your roomie is probably the biggest jerk here.
Why did she have to run off and tell on you? It wasn’t like you’d slept with one of the partners or something. She needs to grow up.” stu5640
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As you said, your scheduling on Friday had nothing to do with them missing their flight.
They were working off of their sense of timing in both instances.
More to the point, you have a better sense of their timing than they have for themselves and adjusted accordingly. They’ve had their entire lives to make similar adjustments after encountering the same issues over and over due to their time mismanagement, but never did a thing.
Why? Because they don’t value or respect the time of other people.
Like, what did they prefer to happen? That they arrived late, made their half-hearted apologies, brushed off the fact you’d have been waiting around for them to grace you with their presence, then waited around for even longer or had your plans canceled because you’d missed your booking?
This was your vacation too. I don’t know where they get off on getting mad at you for making them get to things on time for once in their lives. However, if they love to miss things so much, they can miss you forever, honestly.
(Them, and your roomie. What’s wrong with her brain?)” fmlwhateven
13. AITJ For Allowing My Wife To Parent My Late Wife's Children?
“I m43 had two children with my first wife, Bonnie f22 and Chris m15. My first wife died in childbirth with Chris. I remarried six years ago to my wife f35, Lora. Lora adopted her sister’s twins (m9 and f9) when they were 3 months old because her sister went to prison shortly after their birth and their father is not in the picture.
They consider Lora their mother. Lora and I also have a child m5. There were 7 of us living in the house at one point.
Bonnie and Chris never got along with Lora. They never really bonded when we were together, and when we all moved in together after the marriage tensions got even worse.
They were constantly fighting with Lora and she grounded them quite often. I never got involved with this because I feel like it is their business to sort these issues out themselves and I did not want to fuel the drama even more. Bonnie moved out immediately after she graduated to go live with her uncle (my first wife’s brother) for college.
I thought this was a little strange because her uncle lives about the same driving distance from her college as Lora and me (she commutes), but I did not think much of it because I thought she was old enough to make decisions about where she wants to live.
Anyway, I believed that the drama would die down after Bonnie left because she’s very headstrong/independent and Chris is more of a go with the flow kinda kid. I was completely wrong.
In the last three years that Bonnie has been gone, Chris and Lora have fought constantly.
There is always conflict and turmoil between them and it’s no better than when Bonnie lived at home. Anyway, a month ago Chris and Lora had a really big argument. This one was worse than the regular ones. Things were very awkward in the house for a couple of weeks until Chris told me he was moving in with his uncle just like his sister.
The next week, his uncle came by to help him move his things. The entire time he was in my home he was cold and distant and refused to speak to me or Lora unless it was absolutely necessary. Later on that night, he sent me a text basically saying that I should be ashamed of myself for allowing my wife to “bully” both of his sister’s children out of their own home and for not being there for them.
My wife says that they would not respect her as their stepmom and always tried to defy her authority and that it was setting a bad example for her children. Bonnie and Chris say that she was always extremely controlling of them and treated them worse than her own kids and I never did anything to stop it.
I didn’t want to cause drama or make her feel like she had less authority as a parent, so I never involved myself in these disputes. AITJ for allowing my wife to parent my kids?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You are the parent of your children, not your current wife.
Any punishments should be discussed and agreed upon. It truly sounds like your wife came in expecting to be worshiped by your children and have them hang on her every word and she’s mad that it never happened. Your wife was mistreating your children and YOU allowed it to happen because YOU didn’t want to parent YOUR children that have lost their mother.
You have failed ALL your children. You have shown them all that you’ll never stand up for them. You’ll never be there for them. They can’t trust you and will likely go no contact with you and I support them if they do.” Gadgetownsme
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
She isn’t their parent, and she came into their lives late enough in life that they should make that call. She should not have equal authority to you. It is your job to mediate the relationship between your wife and your kids. You aren’t avoiding drama by not getting involved – you’re making it worse.
And by allowing your wife to treat them however she sees fit and taking her side, you send the message to your kids that you prioritize her over them.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ you are the kids’ father, you are responsible for them. When you remarried, you let a woman who was not their mother into their home.
And you allowed this woman to regularly discipline them without your input. Your children were 9 and 16 when you remarried. What 16-year-old is going to be comfortable with a person they don’t have a relationship with grounding them constantly and telling them what to do? You needed to help your kids set boundaries, not stand back while they get into screaming matches with your new wife.
You showed your kids very clearly that you valued your wife more than your kids. I’m glad they have an uncle willing to take them in since their home life was made so unpleasant through your negligence.” NetZealousideal7162
12. AITJ For Telling My Ex's New Partner That She's Not The Parent Of Our Unborn Child?
Such a tough situation all around.
“My ex-wife (F28) and I (M28) split up a few months ago due to her coming out as a lesbian. The split was quite amicable and we have remained quite good friends. While she did have an affair during the relationship, I understand that it was due to her s*******y.
She came from a very conservative Christian household that has cut her off now that she has come out, and marrying me was a way of placating her family I suppose.
The issue now arising is the fact that she’s pregnant with our child. During our marriage, we agreed that if we had a son, we would name him after both of our grandfathers as they both were very important people in our lives, Samuel Jacob (last name).
An issue has been raised by her new partner (F27) over the name. Now I will fully admit that her new partner and I have never really gotten along. She was a friend of a friend before she got together with my ex, and we just never saw eye to eye, but we both have tried to be cordial for the sake of my ex.
While we recently were discussing the name of our child, the partner outright refused to accept that we were going to name the child Samuel; she had an ex named Samantha who was terrible towards her and said that she could not stand to have her child share the name with her ex.
Now I fully understand that this woman will inevitably be a part of my son’s life, but I explained to her the meaning behind why we were naming him Samuel and how important it was to me. My ex also backed me up saying how this was decided long before she was in the picture, and while she was sorry that the name offended her, she would leave the decision to me.
Her partner proceeded to get very angry again insisting that HER child would not have that name. This sent me over the edge. I asked her if I got her pregnant, she of course said no, I asked if she somehow magically got my ex pregnant, again she said no, I then told her that since she was not the parent of this child and that my ex and I will give our child the name we want regardless of her opinion.
The partner proceeded to go ballistic at me calling me homophobic for not giving her any input and forcing her into this situation and stormed out of the room. My ex was also not happy with me but still agreed that I will have the final say in the naming of our child.
This was a few days ago, and I haven’t spoken to either of them since. I’ve asked around a few of my friends and have gotten a mixed response when I asked if I was wrong.”
Another User Comments:
“ESH. The three of you need a therapist. Like it or not, your child will have three parents.
This woman will be in your child’s life from birth. You’re going to have to compromise with her on some things. Not THIS thing, but some things.
Your ex is wrong for starting a new relationship so soon after the breakup, her partner is wrong for butting in about the same, and you need to realize it is unrealistic for your ex’s partner to be in the child’s life from birth and not have a say in some things.
You’re going to have to work with these people for the next 18 years. Good luck.” theretheirtheyre100
Another User Comments:
“ESH, except maybe your ex-wife when it comes to the naming convention.
YTJ for the argument “you didn’t get her pregnant, you don’t get a say.”
The correct argument would have been “this is the child of me and my ex-wife, not yours.” But it isn’t hers because she didn’t impregnate your wife, but because your ex-wife and her didn’t plan to have a child together. This child is very much the result of the relationship between you and your ex-wife.
Let’s place your argument in another scenario: A lesbian couple decides to have a baby and a person they know donates the sperm. Does this guy suddenly have authority over the name of the child? Of course he doesn’t. Based on your arguments, he would.
And that’s why it’s not ok to use the “impregnation” argument. Because it implies that one partner in a lesbian couple has no say in parenthood because she isn’t the biological mother. And that goes back to how homophobes think a “real” family should look like.
Ex-wife’s partner is the jerk because she thinks she has any claim on the child. Sure, she may end up being a step-mom to your son, but in the end, it’s still your and your ex-wife’s child, not hers. If you wanted you could give him another name, but you don’t need to.” Voeglein
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but why do you think it’s acceptable to have an affair because of your s*******y? She could have those feelings and tell you without actually having an emotional or physical affair. She could have ended her relationship with you first.
Also, you think your life, your feelings are acceptable collateral damage? She lied to you – you are a human being, not some inanimate object. If she wanted to placate her parents she’d be open and marry for convenience. The man she married would know and be ok with the arrangement and have his own life.
For her to have used you to hide is disgusting. She literally could have stayed single and said she’d not found a guy or married a gay man who also wanted to hide his s*******y and they both agree on the arrangement. What she did was unforgivable.
Also, her partner has to see that if she marries your ex-wife, she will be a stepmother, not the actual mother or father. When she accuses you of homophobia ask your ex-wife if the next woman you decide to get with can call herself the kid’s mother too?
Can your kid call her mommy? Pretty sure your ex-wife would flip.” Big__bang
11. AITJ For Refusing To Let A Soon-To-Be-Homeless Co-Worker Move In With Me?
“I (32f) live alone in a 1-bedroom apartment. Recently a coworker, let’s call them Aly, has been coming to my supervisor to talk and visit almost every shift. They’ve been talking about how Aly has had a downturn in job performance and might be laid off soon if things don’t improve.
Aly is nice and outgoing but not reliable when it comes to office work.
For the past couple of days, my supervisor has been very interested in my living situation. Always asking how the area is, how I decorate my space, and how my relationship is with the property management.
They have even started making comments about how lucky I am to live alone and how important community is.
Yesterday, after Aly’s usual gossip visit, my supervisor messaged me on the company chat asking if I knew of any open apartments that Aly could rent for cheap, and when I told them that there are only a few apartments in my building, and they are all occupied, they asked me to come over to their desk for a talk.
It turns out that Aly’s current roommates are breaking the lease, and she needs a place to stay. For over half an hour, they went on about how I could let her live with me and how good it would be to carpool, split expenses, and have company at home.
I tried to keep the shocked look off my face as I told them that I felt for Aly and her situation but that I want to live alone and that my lease doesn’t allow sublets. My supervisor got visibly upset by this and kept pushing how we need to take care of our own and I have all this space that I could surely share for a while.
I repeated that I am not looking for a roommate and left to get back to work.
Not long after Aly walked past looking very upset and got into a whispered argument with my supervisor before storming off. Ever since then, several coworkers have started giving me the side eye, and water cooler talk quickly turns to how we are a family culture here and how nice it is to work with caring people.
So AITJ for not taking in a coworker I don’t really know when they might get fired soon?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You don’t have “all that space;” you live in a 1-bedroom apartment. And if she’s “not reliable when it comes to office work,” then what makes you think she’d reliably pitch in for her half of the bills?
Beyond that, you’d be breaking the terms of your lease, which is a legal contract.
Whoever is telling you to “take care of your own” should practice what they preach. Ask them why they don’t allow her to live with them. Your space isn’t meant to be shared with a roommate.
It’s a ONE BEDROOM APARTMENT for goodness sake.” jammy913
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Nope. Nuh-uh. No. No way. Nyet. Nein. No.
Not the jerk at all. Don’t even for one moment think you are the jerk in this situation.
Your manager is the jerk in this situation, clear as day.
They have been grooming you, planting all these little seeds in your mind, hoping that they will grow and blossom into an I DON’T KNOW WHY, BUT I’M SUDDENLY AND INEXPLICABLY LOOKING FOR A ROOMMATE tree.
I bet this greasy slime has been whispering sweet nothings into Aly’s ear; promising them the world, promising them that they can get you to invite her into your home and your life, promising them that they can move in with you soon.
Telling them that they just need a little bit of time to groom you, to work on you, to plant the idea in your mind and watch it develop.
This ain’t Inception, witch!
If your co-workers start crap-talking you, or whatever, just ask them how they would feel if they were having Aly foisted upon them.
Ask them if they would be willing to help Aly out if the tables were turned. When they inevitably say no, tell them to shut the crap up and mind their own business, and then just sashay away.” LonestarLimey
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She sounds like the sort of person who would stay forever, not clean up after herself, eat all your food, and never pay rent.
In addition, her needing a place to live has nothing to do with you, and you are not responsible for making sure she has a roof over her head. In addition, your supervisor is way out of line on this one. I would document everything and then contact HR.
(You could hold onto the document and do nothing else right now, too.) I would also tell your coworkers that if they’re so concerned about the “family culture,” they should ask her to move into their homes.” ClothesQueasy2828
10. AITJ For Refusing To Apologize To My Co-Worker After Making Her Feel Uncomfortable?
It’s like you can’t even be nice anymore without people taking things out of context.
“For background, I am a British mid-twenties guy who has spent my whole life living/working in Asia, I have moved around to quite a lot of countries and worked with people of many cultures/ethnicities, so I like to think I am fairly open-minded.
I have been working in my current company for 3 years and I have recently moved to another country to work in a new office. For the last 5 months, I have gotten along with my colleagues and had no issues to date work-wise.
Recently, we had another ex-pat join us in our office from the US who is an early-twenties female, who I will call “Eve,” I had been assigned to work with/train her.
Everything went well for a few weeks and she had been picking up everything quite quickly, so, at the end of it, she brought in a cake to say thanks for training her. I told her that she was learning remarkably quickly and it was my pleasure to help her.
Her face sort of contorted as I said this, but otherwise carried on very friendly, so I ended up dismissing her expression.
The following week I got called into an HR meeting, the gist of it was that I had a complaint that I was inappropriate to a member of the female staff in my office.
When I was told this, I felt my b***d drain from me, as I take working very seriously and always keep cordial but professional levels of relationship with my colleagues. They then explained that Eve had told them I was flirting with her and she demanded an apology from me (I am aware HR do not usually tell you the person who made the complaint, but as Eve was demanding an apology from me, they told me).
I ask them to explain what I had done to cause this and apparently I made suggestive comments to her. When I pushed further, apparently, I had emphasized the word “pleasure” and Eve thought I was trying to flirt with her. Following this, HR wanted me to apologize to Eve and to take a course on interpersonal office relations and how to correctly manage them.
Following the meeting, I have kept clear of Eve and don’t interact with her outside of immediate job concerns.
I refused HR’s request and followed up with my manager, with who I have worked for three years, and explained the situation. He is supporting me against HR and I am waiting to see what happens going forward.
I refuse to apologize, as this will be seen as an admission of guilt and could potentially ruin my career. But on the other hand, I know that language can be misogynistic and things you say can come across as wrong, I just don’t think “My pleasure” is one of these.
For example, in the UK we call people “love/luv” or “dear” which would be words I can understand people feeling uncomfortable with, which is why I don’t use them.
So AITJ for standing my ground and refusing to apologize?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Unless you licked your lips, winked at her a couple of times, and didn’t break eye contact while you slowly said ‘pleasure’ while eating a banana there is no way that phrase is flirting.
Eve needs to calm down and realize not everyone in the world wants to sleep with her; sometimes people are just being polite.” fakesmileclaire
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I also was raised to say “my pleasure” instead of “you’re welcome” at work because I was told it was friendlier.
I don’t think you should apologize because in this case apologizing would be admitting fault when you were not flirting with her. I think she either had a problem with you already or has had someone use language like that to flirt with her.
You are not being professionally inappropriate by calling someone dear or love, saying my pleasure is not inappropriate and you should stand your ground on this.
Because I think that something is off about her immediately going to HR about this and demanding an apology.
I think you should go a little bit further with Eve and not contact her in any way that isn’t typed, cuz every single thing between you and her should be documented.” JCBashBash
Another User Comments:
“I am an in-house corporate employment attorney. I advise HR on situations such as this. You did nothing wrong based on the facts you provided and your HR Department is overreacting. This woman has a rude awakening coming if she microanalyses every word people say looking for hidden meanings that are not there.
“My pleasure,” is a common nicety in response to someone saying thank you. Tell HR you feel she’s harassing you because of your national origin by making a complaint such as this.” Older_Wiser_Maybe
9. AITJ For Not Acting Like A Mother To My Own Child As A Form Of Punishment?
“I (35F) have a (14M) son. I do everything I can for my son and make sure he has everything he needs. Lately, he has been acting out a little at home and school so I decided to sit him down to try and figure out what was happening.
He is my only child and his dad and I are still together. I tried to sit him down and ask why was he acting out. I was concerned if maybe it had something to do with myself or his father, but he wouldn’t budge.
I asked him if were there any issues going on at school because if there were I would be more than happy to help him. I was scared there would be bullying at his school and I was prepared to transfer him to another school if necessary.
He said there was no bullying and he had no issues he just felt like “14-year-olds should act out a little.” I told him his behavior was not allowed in my house. His behavior consisted of swearing at me and his father, swearing at his teacher, and much more.
I tried so hard to discipline him as much as possible.
So here’s where the issue started. After a little fussing with my son, he said “my life would be better if I didn’t have a mother.” I was extremely hurt. I said “okay.” And went on with my day.
I prepared dinner for myself and his father. Not for my son. When my son smelt food, he came downstairs and asked where his was. I responded, “I made dinner for myself and your dad. Since life is easier without a mom, there’s some heatable food in the freezer.” My son went absolutely crazy.
He stormed to his room and did not come out until this morning.
Normally I would take him to school but today, I did not. He came downstairs expecting his breakfast that I make for him every morning, but there wasn’t any. He said, “where’s my breakfast?” I responded, “your mother would normally do that for you.
But if life is easier without one, you’ll need to prepare your own breakfast. Also, take the bus to and from school.” After a few swears, he made himself some cereal and took the bus.
I suppose my son called his grandmother (my MIL) about this, and I received many, many calls saying I was a horrible mother, that I’m starving my child and I’m being petty.
I thought this was a good way to discipline my child and make him grateful for everything he has.
I’m starting to think I messed up. So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. While you called him on his bluff, you weren’t starving him or being overly obnoxious.
He had a way to eat by reheating a frozen meal for dinner. He chose not to. You also didn’t make him breakfast, but he managed to do that on his own.
If he was younger and unable to make food for himself then yes this would be a jerk move.
But for two meals, one of which he decided not to cook or prepare, he realized hopefully how dumb his statement was.
Honestly, at 14 he is capable of getting a ride to school on the bus or making his own meals. I made all my lunches at his age, fed myself breakfast, and walked or biked to school which was a good 20-30 min away by foot.
You called his bluff, he didn’t like it, and he had no harm come to him. NTJ.” Cyberdyne-800
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ.
I know it’s hard, but you can’t take that stuff personally and then retaliate like a teenager. You have to model the behavior that you want to see in your kids and that means taking the higher road, even when you don’t want to.
You are being petty. Don’t teach your child that pettiness is a good idea for conflict resolution.
Also, you can’t teach a child to be grateful this way. It DOES NOT WORK. Gratitude is again displayed by modeling that behavior.
I get called a mean mom all the time by my 9-year-old.
Sometimes he says “I wish I could live with grandma!” It hurts. It takes me all my will to bite my tongue and stay calm. He’s pushing my buttons for a reason. The best reaction is NO reaction. The best thing I ever did was follow the “Calm Parenting” podcast. It’s good advice.
I’m very shocked at all the NTJs.” Turbulent_Cow2355
Another User Comments:
“Lol, you’re NTJ and not starving your son. You are pointing out food that is available to him and making sure he knows how to get to and from school. Is it petty?
Yes. Does it make you a jerk? No. Your kiddo is going to continue to act like a disrespectful fool unless he gets some kind of punishment. You didn’t punish him by embarrassing him and you weren’t physical with him. At most, he is suffering mild inconveniences and having to “fend for himself” (while still taking the bus that your tax dollars pay for and food you purchased for the house).
He can stand to suffer a tiny bit to get his head on right and your MIL should mind her own business unless she has a genuine reason to believe you are endangering your child.” TypicalHall1811
8. AITJ For Helping My Wife's Ex With Child Support?
“My wife divorced her now ex-husband a few years ago and pays child support, she gave her rights to the kids.
She pays about 600 dollars. I just found out she sometimes “forgets”. I’m not a lawyer but three kids, plus the income at the time they divorced should be around 2,000 just by articles, but this was up to the court.
I am very wealthy and make a really generous amount of income.
My wife was complaining that he kept calling her. I asked why and then it unfolded. I told her to just give him the money. My wife works a good job, again generous money. She said that it’s “her business” and she doesn’t want the kids, and this money could go to her, and I should stay out of it because I know nothing about it.
I looked at some papers and they live in a small apartment on a bad side of town. Hit close to home. I grew up with a single mom and four brothers, shared a room. My mom struggled a lot for us, she’s a wonderful woman who broke her back for all four of us.
Every decision was about the kids.
I tried to please or compromise with my wife, I tried to tell her I’ll pay for it, also tried seeing about this being a legal issue. I brought this up for three weeks straight and I got no answer, no compromise, no negotiation, just her saying it’s her money, and she needs it for herself.
I found the guy’s number through some files, I messaged him and he was quite surprised to hear from me. After some back and forth, I got to the point and we met up at a coffee shop.
Everything in his house is going up, rent and crap like that, he had to find a new job that doesn’t pay as much as before and before didn’t even pay much, he is struggling to buy enough groceries for the week for all the kids much less himself, the kids are growing out of clothes and he cannot afford new clothes right now, gas is going up tremendously and he is clearly struggling.
He has three girls none of them have phones. They all share one bedroom. He can’t afford activities of anything. you could just tell he was struggling. I’m not a crier but I teared up at this. He said that he wasn’t able to give his kids what they deserved and he’s ashamed of that.
After this, I offered the funds he needed for the kids, after him saying the classic “I can’t accept that,” I went with what I read in the articles. 2,000. May seem like a lot but trust it’s not making a dent in my bank account.
I wrote a check and he started balling. That was enough to make me tear up even more. I just thought this was the help my mom needed for all of us back then and opened up a lot of past feelings.
I had 0 intention of hiding this.
I was upfront and told my wife exactly what I did, and a hotel tab later, I presume I might have screwed up. She didn’t want to spend her savings, so I spent mine. I just can’t get my mind off the fact that these kids deserved more and this money can help, that I may be selfish and don’t feel like I did anything wrong, but the amount of messages I’m getting says otherwise.”
Another User Comments:
“Listen… I grew up poor as heck as well, and what your wife is PURPOSEFULLY doing to INNOCENT children is terrible. Period. They’re children! I get that she signed away her rights….but I can’t imagine being so cold-hearted that you’d go so far as to financially torture them.
That poor man crying is all you needed to know.
What you need to ask yourself is whether you REALLY want to be with someone who won’t hesitate to mistreat children and feel not only zero remorse, but justified in doing so. What I’ve learned is people like this will eventually turn this hatred toward you and kick you when you’re down.
Please keep helping this poor man, and PLEASE start talking to a lawyer about how to best protect yourself and your assets in the event that you pursue a divorce. Because, frankly, the kind of person who would make a child suffer just because they can, is not only an inappropriate life partner, but they are vindictive in divorce proceedings and cannot be trusted.
NTJ.” ThePatriarchyIsTrash
Another User Comments:
“Ntj. She won’t let you discuss spending her finances, but when it comes to your finances, all of a sudden you’re the jerk?
That’s not how this works, OP’s wife. Just because you relinquished your rights and don’t want them, doesn’t mean other people can’t step up to help out.
Sometimes it truly does take a village. Plus, it’s not the kids’ fault their mother doesn’t want them, they didn’t ask to be born, all they can do is live their lives as best as they can.
Would your wife have thrown this large of a fit if she learned a complete stranger gave him those finances?
Or even, if you had given that pay to a charity or something?
You did the right thing, and I wish there were more people like you out there who don’t mind sharing their wealth with others when it’s warranted. You’re a good person in my book, OP.” BooyaMoonBabyluv
Another User Comments:
“OP, my biological mother was someone who cut me and my two other siblings off. She chose to keep 37% of my dad’s inheritance when he died (my adoptive parents had to fight to even get us some funds to raise us) and she was more interested in her friends or her affair partner than us.
For your wife’s children, they would really appreciate the help. It isn’t easy for kids to lose a parent and find out they aren’t wanted by one of them. What you have done is amazing and you have helped them massively.
Your wife is an extremely selfish individual and she doesn’t care about the kids she gave birth to and how much they are struggling.
Maybe consider your relationship with her as her true colors are showing. If you got extremely sick or ended up disabled do you really think she would stick around for you or move on to someone else? Just things to consider with staying with such a vile woman.
I see you are considering seeing the ex again. I am sure he appreciates someone to talk to as well. NTJ, OP.” Reddit user
7. WITBJ For Telling My Son The Reason His Biological Parents Gave Him Up?
“I (f38), adopted my son Lucas (m17) when he was 3 years old.
Lucas doesn’t remember a life when I wasn’t his parent.
The circumstances behind Lucas’ adoption were emotionally draining. Biologically, Lucas is the son of my older sister Jenny (f41) and her husband Derek (m42).
Lucas was their first child, and Jenny and Derek did want to start a family.
But, when Lucas was 3 years old, he was diagnosed with a chronic condition. People with Lucas’ condition can usually lead independent, relatively normal lives.
Lucas’ condition only affects his mobility, and with the extent of his condition, he needs to use a wheelchair for the rest of his life.
Jenny and Derek said that having a child in a wheelchair wouldn’t fit into their “image of a dream family.” They were considering surrendering custody of Lucas, but I decided I would adopt him. Jenny and Derek signed custody over to me and I became his legal parent.
Jenny and Derek regularly sent me finances to help cover Lucas’ expenses, until they had another child, saying that they could no longer afford to. Jenny and Derek now have two children, (f14) and (m12).
I live an approx. 3 hour’s drive away from Jenny and Derek, and since I adopted Lucas, they hardly made the effort to see him and only saw him during holidays.
Lucas lives a happy life with us. He lives with me, my husband (m39), and our daughter (f10). Lucas knows he is adopted, but I never told him who his biological parents were or why he was adopted. He knows that we love him and that regardless of DNA he’s our son.
Lucas never expressed an interest in finding out who his biological parents are, I made it clear to him that if he changes his mind it won’t hurt our feelings and we can talk about it.
Recently, Lucas showed me a social media message he received from Derek.
I was shocked. Derek dropped the bomb on Lucas that he and Jenny are his “real” parents and that I adopted him when he was 3.
Jenny and Derek never discussed telling Lucas about this with me, so to say I was angry was an understatement.
I called Jenny and asked her what the heck was going on. Jenny brushed it off and said that Derek was intoxicated and sent the message on a whim.
I told Jenny that what Derek did was inappropriate and inconsiderate of Lucas. She said that Derek can do what he wants and I can’t shield Lucas from the truth.
Lucas has mixed feelings.
He’s been talking about meeting up with Jenny and Derek, but WIBTJ if I told Lucas that they gave up custody of him because of his disability?
I feel like Lucas deserves the full truth, but I don’t want this information to harm his mental health.”
Another User Comments:
“To begin with, NTJ at all. You’re a loving mother. I have 9, living adopted children and almost each was a different form of adoption. We actually adopted 11 children but lost two to the diseases their birth parents surrendered them for.
Even with all that this is a situation where I’d run not walk to our children’s therapists.
Well, actually ours are retired but I’d drag them off their porch & force them back into practice. You need professional help to help prepare Lucas for learning a heartbreaking truth. Does he need to know and know now….yes. Sadly Intoxicated Derek saw to that.
We only had one completely closed adoption and that was at the birth mother’s requirement. When my daughter turned 30 she chose to hire a detective and when I learned of it I gave her everything I had to help her. But even then before I gave her the legal work I went with her to a therapist.
It’s so hard to sit as your beautiful, smart, wonderful daughter is told she wasn’t wanted because she had a clef palette and a deformed nose. It’s so hard to hold her hand as she’s told she’s still not wanted by her birth mother even though surgeries have made her face as beautifully perfect as her heart.
But because we are mothers we do it. You will do it.
You will stand by Lucas at the therapist and you will hold his hand as he meets with you, his dad, his therapist, and his birth parents. You are strong, my friend. You are built, brick by brick on a foundation of iron.
Love and acceptance are the mortar of you Mother of Lucas. And you will see him through this steady & strong. My thoughts & prayers are with you, Lucas & your husband.” Misty-Far
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Cut off contact with them completely and consult a therapist who specializes in adoptee issues and ableism.
Also, look for advice in adoptee and disabled communities. These are the people who have been through similar things to your son and can help give you perspective on how he may be feeling and what you should do moving forward.
My gut tells me that Lucas should know, especially if he’s starting to ask questions or is at all interested in connecting with them.
Before you offered info and he never asked, now circumstances are different. But how, and if, you do it needs to be incredibly careful. I’m sure your son is infinitely aware that he lives in an ableist society and that people, by and large, consider him and his disabilities a “burden” or “drain on society” but it’s one thing to know that in the remote sense, and another to learn that your family rejected you because they believe it.
It would be a heartrending thing to learn and needs to be handled very VERY carefully. And even if it goes as well as possible he will need support afterward (hence therapist).” SheepPup
Another User Comments:
“So first off, you are NTJ in any way.
You’re faced with a crossroad you didn’t expect and are trying to find a way forward. There has been a lot of good advice, and some bad advice on here already but here’s my two cents: ask him if he wants to know about how he came to be adopted by you and then have a therapy appointment ready to go if the answer is yes.
He’s old enough to have a say in this. He can make his own decision on whether or not he wants to know. Suggested phrasing for if his answer is yes: “okay, you have every right to know, but this isn’t going to be an easy conversation so to help us through it, I’ve booked an appointment with (blank) so we can work through this together in a way that’s healthy for both of us.”
From the looks of things, you’ve given him a good life by putting his needs at the forefront. Keep doing that. And by asking him, you’re setting him up to have a really solid adult relationship with you in the future, which I think often gets left by the wayside when dealing with teenagers.” veryfillorian
6. AITJ For Not Returning To The Dorm Early To Let My Roommate In?
“I (22 F) share a dorm on campus with my roommate ‘ Quinn.’ Quinn and I aren’t necessarily friends but we get along well enough and don’t usually argue until this story. I’ve noticed that Quinn can be a little forgetful and in the morning when she goes out to class, I usually have to remind her to take her keys with her.
Even then, it’s not uncommon for me to get a text or call asking if I’ll be able to let her into the dorm after work or after class. It’s not a big deal and I don’t mind doing it, and even if I didn’t plan on heading back to the dorm afterward, I’ll swing by to make sure she can get inside the dorm.
Today I was out with my partner, and before I turned my phone off for the movie, I saw a text from Quinn asking if I could come home to let her back in. I asked if she had made it into the building or was locked outside the building too, and she said she was locked out of the building also.
I told her after the movie and I dropped off my partner I would be back to let her in, and in the meantime see if she could find an open building on campus to hang out and then I turned off my phone.
After the movie, my partner and I noticed that it had started to rain and had been for a while.
When I dropped them off, I texted Quinn to ask where she had gone to get out of the rain and I was on my way back to campus to let her in. But when I made it back to the dorm, Quinn had just been standing outside the building, barely out of the rain, and had been there since I turned off my phone.
I asked why she hadn’t gone anywhere, but she was very mad with me for not letting her in, saying I left her in the cold and the rain, and that it was unsafe for her to be left out alone especially on a college campus as a woman.
I told her that I can’t plan my life around being on standby to let her in and out of the dorm, and she didn’t get seriously hurt, just a little wet and cold, nothing a warm shower and change of clothes wouldn’t be able to fix.
Still, she was upset about it, and after she badgered me about it the entire way up to the dorm saying she would have let me in. I admittedly lost my temper and told her maybe this will be the hard lesson that finally gets her to remember her keys in the morning and that she wouldn’t have had to let me in because I can remember the essentials when I go places.
Quinn wants to go to the RA about it now to have the incident documented, and I told her I don’t really care, but if she sets up a meeting, I’ll be there to tell my side of the story.
I feel bad for losing my temper with Quinn and also for leaving her in the rain, so was I the jerk for not coming home early to help her out?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you are Quinn’s roommate, not her mom. I’m guessing she’s relatively the same age you are ie an adult. Young, but still an adult.
What if you’d already had your phone off and were about to watch a double feature? What if you’d driven home to see your parents, what if you were in a study group for an important assignment and you couldn’t leave?
If she had her phone she could have texted anybody else in the dorm to at least let her into the common area, she could have texted any other friend or classmate to see if she could hang out for a few hours. She could have walked/ Ubered to a coffee house and then texted you asking if you could swing by and pick her up.
She had a lot of options, and she picked the least proactive. Standing in the rain feeling dejected, and getting mad at you was her choice.
Save all your texts, not just for that night but for all the other times she’s forgotten her keys and you came to her rescue.
It shows you did your best in a situation you are not remotely responsible for. If you want to be completely ‘what a great girl!’ you can apologize for raising your voice at her, but that she needs to understand it is her responsibility to remember her keys, you try to be helpful but she can’t depend on you being available at the drop of a hat.
If she has issues that make it difficult then she needs to come up with ways to boost her memory.
You might call the meeting with the RA yourself, be calm, and explain the situation truthfully – nothing about that is your fault and the RA will see this.” CarrieCat62
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Why is it so hard for Quinn to drop her keys in her bag the moment she’s used them?! All she has to do is turn the keys in the lock, then place them back into her bag. It’s a guaranteed, idiot-proof way of making sure you always have the keys on you.
Are you able to hang a hook on the wall next to the door with keys on it so she can grab them on her way out? They’re in her face there and should always be put back there. You’re not going to be there for the rest of her life to keep letting her into her homes because she doesn’t pick up her keys.
She needs to start building these habits to make sure she always has her keys with her whether she’s running late or not.
The sooner she learns, the better for you both. You’re not her Mother and you don’t have any responsibility to make sure she has her keys.
It’s all on her.” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Quinn should be contacting the RA to let her in or the residential life office (or whatever it is called on your campus). She is old enough to be responsible for her key card. You having to drop whatever you are doing to let her in all the time isn’t okay.
Quinn can also call campus security for an escort so that she isn’t alone. College campuses that provide housing have many resources that they are required to provide when also providing housing. Quinn should make an appointment with student housing to relearn what these resources are because she has been informed of them at least once.
While it generally creates a positive relationship between the two of you that you are doing her favors constantly, it is really a disservice to her to continue being incompetent and a disservice to you because she feels entitled to your kindness, and when you aren’t able to help her, she will lash out at you like she did and your relationship will worsen over time every time you don’t do her a favor.” Mysconduct
5. AITJ For Calling My Mom To Pick Me Up After My Dad Refused?
“I’m 16f. My parents aren’t together, I alternate houses but it’s random and my dad makes out a schedule based on his work schedule.
Today in gym class we went to a park that’s a couple of blocks away from school. Walked there, played softball, and walked back.
When we were walking back I had to tie my shoe so I stopped to do that. Then I ran/jogged to catch up with my friends and somehow I tripped and fell on my knees but face first into the concrete. I figured it was no big deal and just a fall, but when we got closer to school my friend said my face was bleeding.
I looked down and my knees were scraped too.
My gym teacher saw it as I was walking to the locker room and asked what happened. I said I fell on the walk back. He told me to go to the office after I changed because I’d probably need ice on my face.
I changed and went into the bathroom and I was bleeding from my lip, under my eye, and on my cheek. All on one side.
I went to the office and they gave me antiseptic, and an ice pack and asked if I wanted to go home because it was going to hurt more later.
I asked if she thought I should go home and she said “well if you were my kid I’d want to at least get it flushed out to make sure you don’t have gravel in there.”
So I called my dad, it was his day and he had off today.
I told him what happened and he asked if I needed to go to the hospital. I said no but repeated what the secretary said. He asked if I had a fever. I said no.
He said, “So basically, you want me to come to get you because you fell and got a boo boo and now you’re embarrassed.******* up.
Go back to class. I’ll see you at 3.” And hung up.
They asked if someone was coming and I said no. Then they asked if I wanted to call my mom. I said no thanks and went back to class. People kept asking what happened. My eye was getting swollen for some reason and my friends said my face was red.
Half an hour/45 minutes later, it hurt more, and I went back to the office and called my mom. She was at work but left to come to get me. She brought me back home and cleaned it up better and put bandaids on it and had me go lay down with an ice pack.
Then she called my dad and told him off and that I’m with her.
He called and yelled at me. Said “I can’t just call my mom when I don’t get my way. All I did was fall and everyone is treating me like a baby.
That I need to grow up and not act like a 4-year-old because I fell down. I don’t make the rules he does and he wanted me to stay at school”. Along with some other stuff.
My mom said to ignore him; he’s a jerk.
Honestly, I’m not sure if I’m going to go by his house the next day.
AITJ, though, for calling my mom?”
Another User Comments:
“Sweetheart, the nurse gave you her take as a professional and a parent. You had cuts that needed to be cleaned up better than the office could do.
You had swelling that needed ice, this was confirmed when your eye started swelling and your face turned red in class.
You called your mom because your dad refused to behave like a responsible parent and get you the care you need. There are numerous situations requiring parental care that don’t involve fever or a need for the hospital but legitimately require parental care.
You are not the jerk for agreeing with the office that you needed more cleanup/care than the school could provide, nor did the office think you were a “baby”.
Your dad is, in fact, being a jerk, and personally, I wouldn’t want to have too much to do with someone whose “rules” as a parent involves not getting my cuts cleaned up or iced when the school office points out the need for this.
I think your dad had something going on which made it inconvenient for him to come to get you, and rather than acknowledge that, he is trying to shame you into believing you were unreasonable to want to get your cuts and scrapes cared for.
NTJ.” DevilSilver
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your father doesn’t seem to care, you didn’t even go home for the scratch, it’s because your face was swollen and bleeding and hurting. You only called your dad to ask if he would pick you up because the secretary suggested you do so and advised you it was going to hurt more.
Your dad seems to be of the idea that if you’re still breathing then it wasn’t that bad and******* up, and he clearly didn’t care enough to see the state of your injury just because you didn’t need to go to the hospital.
You even went back to class and refused to go home after what your father told you, you called your mom only when it was too much.
Honestly, your dad’s a jerk. At least in this situation. I suggest you start going low contact since apparently his priority is work and doesn’t care enough for your well-being.” oikawavalkyrie
Another User Comments:
“NTJ –
Dear OP, let’s be clear.
Your dad dismissed your pain.
He dismissed your feelings.
He ignored your discomfort.
When you asked him for help, he berated you. He insulted you. He implied you were weak and “acting like a 4-year-old.”
The lack of care from your father caused you emotional distress and physical distress.
The teachers and nurse (trained professionals) were doing their best to prompt you to seek help from your mom.
They knew what your dad was doing was wrong but they could only suggest to you to reach out to your mom – but they were concerned enough to keep reiterating that idea to you – in hopes that you wouldn’t buy into your dad’s nonsense – and you’d actually get the help you needed.
The people in this scenario who showed through their words and actions, that they care about you are your mom, the nurse, and your teachers.
The person in this scenario who showed through his words and his actions that he does not make your feelings or well-being a priority is your dad.
Please strongly consider standing up for yourself, with your mom’s support, to your dad – and figure out a way to communicate to him that this is unacceptable to you and that you deserve much better.
Until this man (and ANY MAN in your future) figures out how to treat you with kindness, love, care, and respect, he doesn’t deserve to have a relationship with you.
So if he is unkind, acts unloving, doesn’t respect you or your feelings, and doesn’t act like he cares – he doesn’t DESERVE you in any shape or form.
I would classify your father’s behavior in this particular situation as mistreatment. Unkind. Disrespectful. Uncaring.
Work with your mom and a therapist even – to support you while you create HEALTHY boundaries with this man – until he learns to treat you better.
Just because he is your parent doesn’t mean he can treat you like this. You don’t deserve this – and you are allowed to say no to crappy behavior.
And remember – you have people in your life who care about you. Don’t let one “jerk” take anything away from you.
This is HIS issue. Not yours.
All the best.” DragonFireLettuce
4. AITJ For Kicking My Friend Out For How She Reacted To My Career?
She has her own opinions, but jealousy may also be a factor as well.
“Tricia and I (both f32) met in college and quickly became best friends. However, after graduation, we slowly drifted apart. I haven’t seen her in 5 years (we talk every month) she was going to be in my city for a few days and offered to meet up.
I was thrilled and when she asked if she could sleep at my house, I agreed.
Tricia knows that I always dreamt of becoming a writer and she knew that is how I earn my living. I self-published several romance novels under a pen name and have been making money that way but a while ago, I scored a contract with a big publisher and while not crazy successful, my book was still successful enough that they were happy to publish my second book which I am currently working on.
Again, all this was published under a pen name so Tricia didn’t know what books I published.
My current work in progress has a lot of occult stuff in it and I’ve done a lot of research and have binders with notes spread around my house whenever I’m working but before Tricia’s visit, I put them away neatly in my office.
Once Tricia arrived, I realized that we weren’t the same people we were in college and that we’d changed so much that I doubt we should even call each other friends anymore. We barely had anything to talk about and it was awkward.
But it was only for a few days.
In one evening, she managed to belittle my career. She kept asking when I would get a big girl’s job and that it was time to grow up and stop pretending. She implied that because I wrote under a pen name, then I must be lying and probably work at McDonald’s.
I tried to explain but eventually let it go and ignored her tirade.
She came over on Friday. On Saturday morning, I woke up to someone shouting and throwing stuff around. I jumped out of my bed and ran to my office which seemed to be the source of the noise.
I found Tricia in my office, screaming. She accused me of being possessed, told me that if she knew I had demon stuff in my home, she would’ve never set foot in my house.
I tried to calm her down, but she ignored me.
She went snooping in my office to prove that I was lying and that’s when she found my notes for my current work in progress. She also found notes I used for one of my steamy romance books which included some explicit photos.
She was absolutely furious about everything, screaming her head off.
I kicked her out, told her to get her things, and leave. Surprisingly, she complied.
However, today, I got a call from her husband (whom I’ve only met once) who started screaming at me for kicking his wife out. Apparently, she had to stay in a hotel which they couldn’t afford and she called me all sorts of names before I hung up.
I feel bad for kicking her out without checking if she had anywhere to stay. It was daytime but still, something could’ve happened to her and I did say she could’ve stayed at my house. Was I really the jerk for kicking her out?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
It’s pretty obvious that your “Friend” only got in touch with you because she wanted a free place to stay while she was in town. Proved by the phone call from her husband to tell you she had to stay in a hotel THEY COULDN’T AFFORD.
She had no right at all to go snooping in your office.
She had no right to kick off and start throwing things around because she found your research.
You had every right to throw her out. As she needed a place to stay and couldn’t afford a hotel she should have respected perfectly normal boundaries and not gone snooping in your office, and definitely should not have thrown a judgmental fit over what she found.
All this on top of making snide comments about you from the minute she turned up.” Medium-Fan440
Another User Comments:
“Holy cow, NTJ.
I’m old enough to have seen quite a few of my best friends at some point in my life become estranged and distant when our lives evolved in different directions.
When I was in my 20s it was devastating, but now approaching 50, I see it all as a beautiful series of intersecting learning opportunities and memorable experiences with a ton of wonderful people.
So don’t sweat it, in a cosmic sense you’ll both laugh about it on the other side of a rainbow somewhere or some shizzle.
But for now, you do you. You’ve got one life to live, and if you’ve already found that much success writing, chase that opportunity. I dig both steamy romance and Ocult thrillers. I’ve even read a few books with both!
And by the way, writing is HARD, and it’s a real job.
It takes crazy amounts of hard work and research, plus considerable talent, to do it well. Half my heroes in life are authors actually. What’s next for your friend? Did all the D&D I played as a kid and still play today make me satanic?
Please. People go through life on their own trajectories and learn lessons at their own speeds. Someday she’ll probably feel like a fool about her outburst.” bezzeb
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Why on earth should you house a woman who claimed to be your friend, snooped in your stuff, then started screaming, destroying things, and belittling and insulting you?
Is she such a tightwad she would stay with someone she considers disgusting and demonic to save some money?
She’s an adult. You live in a city. You did not leave her by the side of the road with occult symbols scrawled around her. She threw a fit, got kicked out, and had to call a ride and go to a hotel.
She could just as easily have booked a flight or caught a bus home.
Cause, then effect. Sometimes the learning process is expensive.
Edited to add: Change her just enough so you can’t be sued, and put her in your next book as a minor character who does something stupid, attracts and transports a paranormal phenomenon to another location in your plotline, and has to spend the night in a rescue mission after getting thrown out of a hotel.
Best wishes for your next bestseller!” MmeHomebody
3. AITJ For No Longer Wanting To Make Dessert For My Co-Workers Because They Didn't Clean The Dishes Afterward?
Is it really that important, though?
“So I love to bake desserts. It’s a meditative sort of activity to me. I really enjoy making tasty treats for other people especially since I’m actually not a huge sweets person and couldn’t ever eat all the stuff I bake.
Most of the time I take it to work.
I work at a small restaurant staffed by about a dozen people including the two owners. We are all pretty tightly knit as most of us have been here since the restaurant opened. I started bringing desserts for everyone to enjoy.
It was never an obligation nor did it ever feel like it.
But I got a little miffed when I went in the day after I’d dropped off a pie to get my glass pie dish, and one of the owners handed it back to me still dirty.
It still had crumbs and bits of pie crust left in it. I didn’t say anything and just resolved to let it go. The following week I made an apple cake in a glass 9×13 to bring in and left it that evening so the others on the later shifts could enjoy it too.
Two days later on my next shift, I was given back my dish that was still dirty, and now it needed to be soaked to clean it because the crumbs and such had dried to a hard layer. I thought this was kind of rude as I’d been raised that if someone gifted me food (casseroles, etc) it was good manners by washing the dish that it came in when you go to return it.
It happened a couple more times, so I asked the owner who was managing that day if my dishes could be washed before I got them back. However the next few weeks nothing changed, and my dishes were still left dirty when they were returned.
I decided that I’d just use disposable bakeware for anything I took to work. However I ran into an issue that sometimes the baking time and temperature for some of my recipes don’t work for the cheap metal disposable bakeware, something I’d forgotten about until I took a pie to work and when they cut into it, it was discovered that the bottom crust was a bit burnt.
One of the owners joked that I had downgraded my equipment so they got burnt pie. A server said she noticed I’d stopped using glassware and wondered why. So I replied that my glassware was never cleaned after everyone had eaten, and it was a major pain in the butt to clean after it was dried on, plus I felt that it was a bit rude to have my dishes returned to me still dirty.
The server shot back that the desserts were gifts, and that it’s actually rude to insist that the giftees have to do something in return. Another server agreed with her and said that if I was expecting them to wash my dishes for me, then I shouldn’t bother making food for them at all.
So I said I wouldn’t if it was such a contentious issue. The servers said I was being petty and are refusing to speak to me unless they have to. Now, I could see their reasoning that someone being gifted something shouldn’t be obligated to do something in turn, but I still feel that it’s rude to not wash the dish that the gifted food came in.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Nobody is the jerk. This isn’t like a situation where you made a casserole for a family member or friend and they returned the dish unwashed. Rather, you are leaving the dishes at work and going back to work to pick them up.
No one is “returning” anything to you. Multiple people are likely eating the desserts you bring, and while I agree that someone should wash the dish, it’s probably become an issue of everyone thinking someone else is going to do it.
Honestly though, if I brought food to work to share, I guess it wouldn’t really occur to me that someone else would wash the dish.
I mean, it would be nice, especially in a restaurant where dishwashing facilities are readily available, but it doesn’t seem like a huge deal. You obviously aren’t required to bake for your co-workers though, so if this is an issue for you, then you should stop.
It seems a bit silly to me though, honestly – it’s just one extra dish here and there. If you really love baking so much, it doesn’t seem like this would be such a big deal.” imaginaryblues
Another User Comments:
“I’m going to go with nobody is the jerk.
I understand why you’re a bit annoyed at getting the dishes back dirty, but I think the issue is that there’s no single other person responsible for it. If you were giving a dish to one specific friend and they gave it back dirty, they’d absolutely be a jerk, but when you’re bringing in baked goods to share communally with staff at your workplace, it’s hard to point to another person that would/should be responsible for cleaning your dish.
Deciding to make baked goods out of the kindness of your heart, and then assigning a different staff member to do the cleanup when you bring them in would border on being controlling on your part. You could try saying that whoever takes the last piece is responsible for cleaning the dish, but in my experience, that just results in the last piece sitting around forever.
This is actually a fairly well-known social phenomenon called the “bystander effect” where no one will take action because they think someone else is responsible for it. I have basic first responder training, and one of the things we’re taught is that when asking for assistance we need to delegate directly.
Calling out to a crowd, “someone call 911!” will often result in a bunch of people thinking, “who’s going to do that?” Pointing to a specific person and saying, “You call 911,” is more effective because it spurs that person into action.
Unfortunately, I don’t really think that’s an option for you.
Ultimately, you’re doing this because baking is your hobby. Dictating who is responsible for cleaning up when you decide to bake would not be the right move. I can’t say NTJ because there isn’t another specific person in this situation that I think is a jerk.
If having your dishes returned dirty ruins your enjoyment of baking enough that it’s not worth it, then stop doing it, but I don’t really think it’s reasonable to be upset that no one else is taking responsibility for cleaning the dishes that you bring in.” Molenium
Another User Comments:
“So I’m actually gonna say soft ESH.
The only reason I say that is because OP, you gotta learn to advocate for yourself the first time something rubs you the wrong way. With any group of people or community, workplace or sports, etc. you should lean heavily into establishing a precedent since you made an informal habit of bringing in the treats.
I get you wanted to do something nice for your workplace and your workmates. But you did make an innocent assumption that everyone would have the same good grace as you to act diligently with your dishes. However, if after the first pie you got a dirty dish back, you can’t act all Surprised Pikachu when it happens a second time.
The first time is when you gotta be vocal about it, not just to the owner but to the whole team. Leave a note with the pie even, or send out a message on the work Slack or email, whatever, etc.
I’m sorry your workplace let you down, especially when it probably has an industrial grade dishwasher.” addisonavenue
2. AITJ For Not Wanting To Sign My Dad's New Trust Fund Proposal?
“I (23F) am my dad’s eldest child, he has 3 other children ages ranging from 18-3.
He has 4 children with 3 different women, the second eldest being my 100% sibling.
When my parents divorced my father started taking interest in foreign women. I say this because he would meet them online and fly them out to our country and home.
This went on for years.
When he broke it off with his girl from Japan and sent her home, she tried to take him for everything since they had been together for 3 years.
So he set up a trust fund, so if anything was to happen to him or if he was to get into a serious relationship no one could take him for half of his companies, homes, and finances.
If any changes were to be made everyone older than 18 has to sign to agree.
My dad (50M) has been with Rose (32F) for 5 years, they have had my youngest sibling together.
Since being together my dad has been Rose’s sugar daddy, with expensive trips, and designer clothes, he sends finances for Rose’s family back home to pay their rent & living costs.
Now what my dad does with his finances is his own business, just like mine.
Last week my dad asked me to come for dinner and he and Rose asked if I would sign the new trust fund documents, now I’m not silly. I sat there and read it all, the new document to pretty much sum it up says:
- Rose will get the houses.
- Rose will get 70% of each business.
- Rose will get all the cars and boat.
- Rose will get 60% of the finances and the rest will be divided among the children.
I told my dad this had to be a joke and no way was I signing this.
Rose pushed and said this was my way of accepting her into the family.
I told Rose she was already a part of the family and putting on paper what she gets if my dad dies tomorrow proves that she is gold digging and delusional.
She told me that if I didn’t sign it then I would be removed, I told her that wouldn’t work as my sibling wouldn’t agree to that change.
I left and went home but Rose keeps texting me. My dad set this up for reasons like this.
I wasn’t going to be bullied, she might be manipulating my dad but I see right through it.
My dad has built these companies on his own she did not contribute.
I just want to add that I don’t care what I get, this is not about money.
I was raised humble and have worked hard for everything I have. I am just looking out for my dad.
I’m not looking for legal advice we do have a family lawyer who looks after this all as well.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I could understand a house, and a small percentage of the businesses, a vehicle or two, and a small percentage of the finances. After all, it seems the agreement she entered into with OP’s father is that he takes care of her material needs.
If he wants to take care of those needs after he dies, that’s reasonable. He also has a child with her, and that child has as much claim to the father’s assets as any other child.
That said: all the houses, plus 70% of every business, plus all the vehicles and a boat, plus 60% of all liquid assets, is insane.
I could even understand an equal split of all assets between Rose, and all the kids; 20% of business shares and liquid assets to everyone (Rose, OP, OP’s full sibling, OP’s half-sibling, Rose’s child), homes, and vehicles split as close to evenly as possible and held in trust for the minor children.
OP, have a private conversation with your dad. He might be genuinely concerned about providing for Rose and his youngest child after he passes, and fair enough. It’ll be easier to handle this going forward if you get him on your side, and show him that he doesn’t need to give Rose three-quarters of everything to do that.” CJ_Boiss
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Tell your dad that if she actually loved him she would not be pushing this. She would just be happy to be with him and he needs to wake up before he loses his children. Do not ever sign it and I hope your sibling will never sign it.
Point out to him that the trust was set up and done with before he met her and it has nothing to do with her whatsoever. Ask him why he doesn’t care about you and lets her do this. Ask him if he really does not see how ridiculous and manipulative this is?
Tell him if he really doesn’t see who she really is by now, how about he tells her that he’s broke and has no more money and see what she does then? Tell him to pretend for a few weeks like they lost everything and see what happens.” rainbow_mak3r
Another User Comments:
“Going against the grain, ESH. Not for this particular proposal, which is sketchy as heck (70% of the businesses, really?), but for this general scheme. Your dad sucks for trying to worm out of the family law system and dodge his obligations to his wife and youngest child, and you suck for not giving any thought to an alternative proposal that would provide at least some stability to them if he did die suddenly.
Your dad has built a life and a family with Rose, and even if she is with him for his money, even if she’s an awful person, he chose to merge their lives; he ought to ensure that his assets are divided in a way that if he dies or they break up before their child is an adult, she and their child are not left in a vulnerable position.
I’m not by any means saying give her what she’s asking for, but your dad has intentionally put her in a position where she can’t leave him without financial pain. That’s a pretty vulnerable position for her. She presumably married him and had a child with him knowing his financial situation, right?
It’s been five years? And you think she deserves nothing from their shared life? That’s pretty cold.” evagor
1. AITJ For Suggesting My Partner Has A Habit Of Weaponized Incompetence?
“My partner (28F) and I (31M) have been together for 4 years. I purchased my first home last year, and we moved in together.
She is not on the title, and she does not pay anything toward the mortgage. She is in grad school and works part-time, so she simply doesn’t have that kind of money right now. She helps pay for utilities and groceries, but that’s pretty much it.
Honestly, I think she’s getting a pretty sweet deal. I do, however, expect her to do chores around the house.
She was brought up in a very sheltered environment. She’s the youngest of 4 siblings and, in my opinion, her parents babied the crap out of her.
Her dad in particular did everything for her. When we first started seeing each other, she was still taking her car to him so that he could bring it in for oil changes.
Since she’s moved in with me, there’s definitely been a learning curve.
I had to teach her how to clean and do dishes. She didn’t know that you can’t just put absolutely everything in the dishwasher. Cooking is a hard no for her and she’s perfectly fine ordering out for every single meal. She’d never used a rake, lawnmower, or shoveled snow.
I like to think I’ve been very patient with her in regard to teaching her these things. But pretty much everything I try to teach her is met with resistance or is “too hard” or “too dirty” and she gives up and expects me to do it.
I’ve let a lot of this go because I love her and I know that a lot of this is her parents’ fault, not hers.
But last weekend I finally had it. I had to go visit my parents to help my dad with a project he was working on.
This had been arranged for weeks so my partner knew about it. Before I left, I asked her if she could mow the lawn at some point during the weekend because it was getting long. It was literally the only thing I asked her to do.
When I got home on Sunday, the lawnmower was in the middle of the half-mown yard. I asked my partner what that was about and she said that it ran out of gas and she didn’t know what to do. She said she called her dad for help, but he was out of town, and he told her to fill a tank up at a gas station, but she didn’t know where the tank was or how to fill the lawnmower.
So she just left everything as it was so that I could help her.
I told her I was tired of her acting like she was completely incapable of figuring stuff out on her own. I told her it’s ridiculous that she can watch a 5-minute youtube video of a new makeup technique and figure it out first try, but she can’t figure out how to pour gas into a lawnmower.
I told her I’m tired of her weaponized incompetence and if she was not going to pull her weight on chores, then she was going to have to start paying rent to live here.
She got defensive and told me I shouldn’t be treating her like she’s a servant and expecting her to do things she’s never done before and that I’m a jerk for expecting her to pay rent when I know she can’t afford it and she won’t help me pay my mortgage and get nothing out of it.”
Another User Comments:
“ESH. She needs to be more willing to learn and do stuff, you should’ve picked a different hill to die on. I probably would’ve hauled the mower back to wherever it belongs but you still would’ve come back to a half-mown lawn – the margin for error between a makeup tutorial and anything involving gasoline is drastically different.
Not knowing how to gas it up and not having anyone available to show her I can’t really blame her for not wanting to risk doing it wrong, especially if she doesn’t have the cross experience doing much of her own car stuff. THIS one wasn’t weaponized anything, she just genuinely didn’t know what to do… but it sounds like an accurate assessment about other chores.” inkpaperdream
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
She may actually be that incompetent. My 9-year-old is just coming out of the phase she seems to be stuck in so I know how sucky it is. The key difference here is that he is 9, not a full-grown adult, and I’m his parent, not his partner.
I also make a point of teaching him to be self-sufficient, which is like pulling teeth sometimes.
It seems like the two of you need to sit down and discuss what it is that you actually want from your relationship.
It’s not unreasonable to expect your adult partner to at least be willing to learn how to do basic chores, but she may have other ideas and if she’s not willing to try then you can’t make her.
It’s not like you can take away her screen time until she gives it her best shot.
What you could do, if you wanted to make a point (which may backfire tremendously) is to put her in a position where she has to hire help (yours or a professional’s) to do the things she won’t even try.
She won’t wash the dishes? That will be $10 please. She wants to avoid doing laundry? Either she pays to send it to a laundrette or she pays you for your time and resources.
The key thing here is that your teaching her is free as long as she is actively trying (regardless of success in said task).
That is where my son had issues. He felt embarrassed that he wasn’t automatically successful so he wouldn’t try.
Eventually, she will run out of money or patience at which point she will have to figure it out for herself/actually put the effort in when you teach her (or she goes on YouTube to find a How To) or she will leave and go back to daddy to be coddled for the remainder of her life.
Either way, problem solved.” Obsidian-Winter
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, it’s not weaponized incompetence, she isn’t acting in a malicious way she genuinely doesn’t know how to do what you are asking of her. And all this “well she needs to learn” attitude is bullcrap honestly.
Why should she if she doesn’t want to? She can break up with you and move back in with her parents who will take care of those things for her. When she is finished with school and living on her own she can live in an apartment or condo where she doesn’t have to worry about yard work or if she does want a house with a yard she can hire someone to take care of the lawn, she can budget for someone to come do the cleaning for her, she can do one of those meal prep services so she never has to cook.
Is it more financially savvy to be able to do these things herself? Sure but we don’t all value things the same way. She may be willing to pay for those services if she can. And not everyone has the “I must be completely self-sufficient or I failed as a person” mentality.
It also comes down to how you’re approaching her on this subject, are you infantilizing her? Being condescending or treating her like an idiot for not doing these things, you say you’re being patient but you can still be an insulting jerk while you’re patient.
FYI I watched my wonderful amazing grandmother struggle to figure out how to put gas in her car because grandpa always did it for her. (and I was 14 and had never done it myself either so I was no help). She was taken care of and pampered by someone that loves her and that doesn’t make her a bad person or an idiot.” TruCat87
