People Navigate Their Way Through These 'Am I The Jerk?' Stories
24. AITJ For Refusing To Do More Work On My Mom's House Before Buying It?
“I (M 21) live with my fiancé (F22) in my mother’s house that I grew up in. I ‘rent’ from her, I put quotations because we have no official renting contract, I just Venmo her mortgage and we call it good. She is offering to sell the house to me, and she said she would treat it as any other house buyer, so no-nonsense, doing things the right way (getting the house evaluated for market price, getting an inspector, etc.) Now, out of the kindness of my heart I have done some minor work on the house for her, the biggest thing I’ve done for her is putting new asphalt shingles on the garage roof, and let it be known I am no professional, but my mom insisted I do it because I would be potentially buying the house from her.
I did the job for free, but also not perfect, there are areas of the roof that have no wood subroofing due to wood rot, I just put weathering paper over it and then the shingles and called it good, like I said, not a pro.
Fast forward to last week, my mom no longer wants to get the house inspected and analyzed for a professional market price opinion, and I believe it’s because she would be unhappy with how much lower she would be making in the buy if an estate agent and an inspector looked over the house, so she informed me she would be making the executive decision on how much the house costs.
This is a sketch, and now she wants me to make sure the garage roof is in tip-top shape for an inspection coming in a month or two, and I do not feel like doing anything to the roof for her. I am her son, but as she said, she wanted to treat this like any other house sale, so why would I as the buyer, do free labor to pass inspection on a house I don’t own yet?
And why would I continue putting my valuable time into something that my mom is now not treating like any other house sale? I want to refuse to do any extra work from here on out and have an inspector and estate agent value the house professionally before I even talk about finalizing a deal. AITJ for that?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sounds like she wants to have her cake and eat it, too. She needs to value your labor, either by pricing the house accordingly or by paying you for it. Maybe she’d be willing to agree on an hourly rate, keep track of your labor, and deduct it from the selling price?
That way, she doesn’t have to find the funds to pay you now, but you still get compensated. Also, why on earth would you expect just the tar paper to hold the roof together? Plywood isn’t that expensive, you needed to replace the sheathing before you papered and shingled the roof.” KaliTheBlaze
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I would be looking to move elsewhere. Mom sounds sketchy. As the buyer, you should be paying for the inspection. You may need to pay for the appraisal if your lender requests one. Usually after the inspection, you can negotiate who will pay for what.
If the shed or house needs a new roof you can take $15,000 off the price of the house or go ahead and have your mom (the homeowner) pay for it. If you don’t have the funds to do these big projects have your mom pay for them, and pay the agreed-upon price.
Have a lawyer/solicitor write up the contract and make sure you go through a reputable title company. Good luck.” Effective_Brief8295
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Question to you: Do you want to buy the house from her, or does it seem like the path of least resistance since you’re already living there and know it?
Everyone else who has commented has it right: she is free to sell her way, and you are free to decline to purchase. You can say you want a real analysis so that you know how much extra funds you would have to sink in before you agree to purchase.
But, you have to have a plan B on where to go if she decides to sell to someone else.” Esmereldathebrave
23. AITJ For Paying The Bill When Taking My Housemate Out To Cheer Her Up?
“I (32M) have a housemate, let’s call her Julie (19F), and a partner of 2 years, Anna (28F).
I own this house. Julie is a friend of the family who goes to university, which is within walking distance from my house.
If she stayed at home with her parents, it would be an hour’s commute each way. We agree that Julie doesn’t pay rent, but she keeps the house clean. She’s a friend of the family, and I’ve known her since she was 10.
To have some pocket funds, she’s looking for a job that can be combined with her studies.
Last Friday, I came home and could tell that Julie was down. After asking her a couple of times what was going on, she explained that she was rejected from a job she wanted, especially after they had her come back multiple times for interviews.
Julie was feeling down because she felt like a burden to me. She was broke and just felt useless.
So, I decided to take her out to cheer her up. I told her to get ready, we were going out to eat. She protested because she was broke, and I told her not to worry, it was my treat.
We went to a popular cafe with a live band. We talked and ate (great burgers!), and it ended up cheering her up.
Anna was visiting her sisters for the weekend. When the sisters get together, they have low contact with the rest of the world.
Sunday afternoon, she was back and came over while Julie was studying. We told each other about our weekends, and I told her about taking Julie out. Everything was okay until I mentioned that the bill wasn’t as high as I expected.
That’s when Anna asked me if I paid the whole bill, which I confirmed. This upset her.
She said that if I paid the bill, that meant it was a date. She took offense to me taking Julie out on a date. She left angry accusing me of being unfaithful or trying to be unfaithful. She has ghosted me since.
I’m trying to wrap my head around this.
So, everything would have been okay if we split the bill, but because I paid like I said I would since I invited her to cheer her up, it’s now considered a date and that implies I’m being unfaithful or trying to be unfaithful?
Is this a modern rule I’m not aware of?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sounds like Anna may have some insecurity about your relationship with Julie. To my ear, it sounds like you treat Julie like a friend who is close enough to practically be family. Some people get insecure about things like that and start making assumptions.
Hopefully, you can get through to Anna that you think of Julie as something akin to a younger cousin or sibling and treat her accordingly.” KaliTheBlaze
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If your families are that close and considering age differences I’d assume your relationship is like long-distance cousins or like older brother or younger sister.
Even if you don’t see each other as family and just very close friends, it’s not being unfaithful to take your friend who’s having a crummy day out and treating them.” OopsMyBad21
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I have a small friend group but occasionally we would go out to eat and if someone couldn’t pay or we just wanted to be nice we’d pick up the tab and then the next time they would.
It doesn’t mean it’s a date in any sense. Seems like she might be jealous and maybe projecting that?” Aggravating_Green952
22. AITJ For Accepting My Uncle's Offer To Pay For My Coaching Classes?
“So, where I live, we usually take coaching classes for the common entrance test of the country and that is after usual school hours.
I wanted to go to a reputed coaching but the fees were too high and my dad told me that we could not afford that much (it was $1800 for a full year).
We discussed this and I was going to try for a scholarship test. I did the test and got a discount but it was still about $1200 and that was out of budget.
This test allowed us to give two attempts and I wanted to attempt again and try for a better score for that reason, I did not tell my dad about the previous discount.
Fast forward to today, my uncle and his family came over for a gathering and while they were about to leave, he asked me what I wanted to be.
I have always wanted to be a scientist and everyone knows that but I just stayed quiet. He then came and advised me to become an engineer and that I could later do a PhD and become a scientist who earns well, I agreed. But to get into a good engineering college, you need a good score on the entrance and to get a good score, you need good coaching.
He asked me if I was already going to coaching. I wasn’t.
I told him about my scholarship tests and all of that and then he just told me that he would pay for my coaching classes because the tests are just a waste of time.
I was hesitant but he kept insisting. I looked at Dad and then I agreed to let him pay for the coaching classes because he would not stop.
I feel like that made Dad feel bad because he is the one who’s taken care of all my bills so far and my uncle paying for one of them made him feel like he’s not able to do enough.
I tried to talk to him. He was like you made me look incompetent and incapable of being able to afford your fees and made me look bad. I tried to convince him that it was not what I did but he just didn’t listen and is not talking to me now.
AITJ here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your uncle offered and insisted, so how can you turn him down? In this competitive world, you should take all of the help you can get. And it’s not like you asked your uncle for help. Your dad needs to swallow his pride just this once.” LoudCrickets72
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He offered help and there’s nothing wrong with accepting it. I understand it might be a blow to your dad’s pride for it, I get that a lot of parents are almost territorial about who provides for their kid. But as other comments pointed out, why can’t he be happy that someone is making your dreams easier?
As long as you’re grateful and appreciative of it and don’t take advantage of it, you’re good. Let him stew in anger. If he can’t realize there’s nothing incompetent about not being able to afford something in our year 2024 economics, I don’t know what to tell him.
Maybe poke your uncle or your dad’s family to comfort you and get some sense into him if you can. It takes a village, and he should be relieved that you have a good support system.” DemonicIntegrity
Another User Comments:
“NTJ sometimes parents are honestly just haters or placing competitive beef with their siblings above their kid’s wellbeing.
Try not to take it personally, do what benefits you, be grateful for your uncle’s generosity, and everything should be fine. Years down the line your dad will forget about it, or at least not be focusing on it.” HotPinkDemonicNTitty
21. AITJ For Wanting My Fiancé To Take Over Night Feedings So I Can Sleep?
“I have been with my fiancé for 10 years, we have 2 beautiful girls; a five-year-old and a four-month-old. He is the stay-at-home dad for the 4-month-old and my five-year-old is in school.
I work full time managing a luxury pet resort usually waking up around 5:30 am Monday-Friday so I can get our four-month-old fed, our daughter ready for school and myself ready for work (around 7:15 am I put her in her sleeper not needing anything done until her next feeding/change at 10:00 am) and on the weekends I am also the one waking up with the girls.
I am also the one who wakes up with her throughout the night and takes over the kids the moment I get home. I do almost all the cleaning and all the laundry around the house but as of lately, I have been slacking very badly because ultimately I am so exhausted. My fiancé takes care of the kids while I am at work and does the dishes but that is pretty much it, occasionally he will help clean but it’s not much.
Today, around 9 pm I asked my fiancé when he was going to bed because I was extremely exhausted from my day and in my eyes, I do not see a point of us both being up for feedings especially when one of us has to wake up early in the morning.
He tells me soon so I stay downstairs and fall asleep on the couch with her. It’s 1:00 am, her next feeding time and my fiancé is still awake and offers to feed her after I have everything prepped and ready to go, but he never actually attempts to take over.
We fight because again I could have been getting decent sleep for once since he was already awake and should have been the one having her since he was going to stay awake. I tell him it’s selfish that he can stay awake and not let me sleep in a bed and take over her but he disagrees because he needs time to himself.
Meanwhile, that is never the case for me because I am working or at home taking care of the girls… Am I the jerk for feeling this way?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I am a SAHM (not for lack of trying but jobs are scarce).
I get the girls up, my oldest off to school, my youngest fed, my husband’s lunch packed and coffee made and all he has to do is wake up and go to work. I do 80-90% of the cooking and cleaning and he chips in on his days off.
I do wakings and midnight sickness and wash the sheets when my toddler gets her diaper off at night. Usually Saturday he takes the afternoon shift as the primary caregiver so I can nap bc I’m 8 months pregnant with our last baby, but as the SAHP all of those things you described are his job.
That’s his contribution to the family. You made the children and pay for their livelihoods, he needs to take care of you just as much as he takes care of them (and tbh it sounds like he isn’t even pulling his weight with that one)” thr0wwwwawayyy
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all. I am a working mother. Our children’s dad is the SAHP. He took care of the kids and household, including the night feedings. (He always said because I was the one who had to leave the house it was important for me to be rested.) We split chores and kid duty after work and on weekends.
Even with this dynamic he still got more “me time” than I did. Was he the SAHP for the 5-year-old also, when she was a baby? I am wondering if he doesn’t want this and would rather go back to an outside job. Either way, it sounds like a real sit-down discussion is needed to better portion out daily responsibilities.” MommaBird34
20. AITJ For Wanting My Sister's Friend To Move Out After She Overstayed?
“I moved in with my sister. At that time she was living with her friend, they shared the expenses including rent. At the end of last year when we were going home for the holidays (December), she told my sister that she wouldn’t be paying rent and would move out once we came back from holidays (January).
My sister was not happy since the reason she agreed to move into this particular house in the first place was because the friend said the rent would be split into two so it wouldn’t be that much for my sister but now the friend has backed out and now my sister has to pay the full rent by herself (the rent to this place was high).
My mom said it was okay she would support my sister since she was still looking for a job.
When my sister and I came back from home, the friend had not yet removed her things from the house (she too had gone home for holidays and had not yet returned).
It has been four months that my sister and I have been living alone, paying full rent by ourselves, we’ve even bought some additional things in the house. I must note: that the only thing in the house that belongs to the friend is her luggage, everything else from furniture to cutlery is my sister’s.
My sister got a job outside the country two weeks ago and was to travel, so she called a friend to tell her about the news. On the day my sister was to travel the friend came from home to bid farewell to my sister.
After seeing my sister off at the airport, we came back to the house and I knew that maybe the friend would just stay for a night or two and then leave with her things as she had said before. It’s two weeks now and she hasn’t left yet.
I’ve just paid this month’s rent by myself. It’s not like I don’t like her or something, I just like my own space. I want her to leave. I spoke to my sister about this because my sister also wants me to live alone, and after she asked the friend when she was leaving the friend said that we should let her stay for some time (did not specify how long).
I am not the kind of person to confront someone but I feel congested.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Stop being a doormat. You guys should have moved her suitcases out a long time ago. You may have a big problem tho depending on whose name is on the lease.” KayshaDanger
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – She decided to leave and you and your sister counted on. Throw her luggage out and her with it and change the locks. And immediately start eviction stating past due rent. Depending upon who names are the lease, it may be easy or complicated.” Mustng1966
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Or you could ask her for rent. Tell her you already paid for the time she has been living there, and you were willing to pay because you could have a place of your own. Tell her the price to make it worth her being there for an entire month.
Tell her if she does not leave now, then she has to pay for the 2 weeks past and 2 weeks coming, and she needs to leave then. You have paid for a solitary experience.” Effective_Olive_8420
19. AITJ For Asking My BF Not To Walk In Front Of The Cart While Shopping?
“My(28F) BF(30M) and I do grocery shopping together every week.
Sometimes he pushes the cart and sometimes I do. When he pushes the cart I generally stand beside or behind him so I’m not in the way, and try to only go in front of the cart when it’s not moving. When I push the cart, however, he usually walks in front of the cart.
Today while shopping I accidentally hit him with the cart. This has happened a couple of times in the past. I apologized for hitting him. Later, in the car, I asked if he could try not to walk in front of the cart when I’m pushing it in the future.
He said “No. That’s victim blaming. You don’t tell kids they shouldn’t have walked in front of a car when they get hit.”
I said “Parents do tell kids not to walk in front of cars. If you look at the other couples the one not pushing the cart usually walks beside or behind the person pushing the cart.”
He said “The aisles are too narrow to walk beside each other sometimes. We don’t have to make up etiquette rules.”
Since he was getting angry I dropped it, but later he brought up that it had hurt when I hit him with the cart and he was holding back tears when it happened. I felt bad and apologized again for hitting him with the cart.
I didn’t want it to happen again, so I said “I don’t think it’s victim blaming to ask you not to walk in front of the cart when it’s moving. Could you please try to not walk in front of the cart?”
He said “No. I walk where I walk.
We just have to be careful.”
I said “I try to be careful. It’s just easier to accidentally hit someone who’s walking in front of the cart. Could you please just try to not walk in front of the cart when it’s moving?”
He said “We don’t have to make up rules for where we walk.
Are you listening to yourself? You sound ridiculous.”
I told him I didn’t think I was being ridiculous and I thought he was the one being ridiculous.
So, AITJ for asking my BF not to walk in front of the cart when I’m pushing it?
Is it victim blaming and unreasonable to ask?”
Another User Comments:
“You’re NTJ. “It had hurt when I hit him with the cart and he was holding back tears when it happened.” Jeez, just how fast were you walking and how hard did you slam into him?
It’s common sense not to walk directly in front of the cart. Odds are, he is the one coming to a sudden and complete stop, causing you to bump into him. But pointing that out would lead to further accusations of “victim blaming.” (Insert eye roll.)” Dittoheadforever
Another User Comments:
“Your bf was holding back tears when you tapped him with the cart?? And he calls it “victim blaming” when you ask him to stop walking in front of the cart? Puh-leeze. This is such a silly thing for him to be manipulative about, makes me think he’ll continue to do this with much bigger issues.
NTJ.” Ok_hon
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He’s refusing to take any accountability whatsoever for his actions that he knows gets in the way. He will do anything to not have to be mindful and walk beside or behind like he knows he should. Does he walk in front of other customers and their carts because he “walks where he walks?” Or just when you’re pushing it, so he can control your pace and movements?
I’m gonna bet it’s to control the pace when you’re in control. I wonder what other toxic masculinity tactics he uses. Next time just hit him or yell loudly to cause a scene EXCUSE ME! CAN YOU MOVE OUT OF THE WAY OF MY CART SIR?!
Or stop pushing the cart, and stop and get in his way. Make him push the cart for you from now on. Like a servant” User
18. AITJ For Refusing To Let My Stepsister Move In With Me?
“My dad remarried only 1 year after mom and he got a divorce. The new woman, let’s call her Brittany for the sake of the story, kinda always forces me to call her “mom” and I just told her that she’s not my mother and only my dad’s wife.
She never brought it up again. It’s not like she doesn’t have any kids of her own. She has 1 daughter who was in a different state for college when they got married. I never met her. Only knew her name. Dad invited me over for dinner to meet her once she was back.
She’s like a few years older than me. Let’s call her Stella. Dinner was okay-ish. I kept to myself mostly since I didn’t know how to initiate conversation tbh. So yeah…Stella and I BARELY talked. Surprisingly though, a few days later, I got a call from Brittany.
She told me that Stella wanted to move out and find herself an apartment. I thought she was asking me to help Stella look for apartments. Before I could even say that I was happy to help, Brittany asked if Stella could move in with me.
In any other circumstances, I would’ve agreed. But my fiancé will be moving in with me soon and my apartment has only 2 rooms. The second one will be turned into a Nursery. I told Brittany that I would help Stella find an apartment but moving in with me would be difficult.
She started a huge drama. She involved my dad. And my dad’s like “Don’t be selfish. You have 2 rooms. Give one to your Stella” blah blah blah. I think the only reason Stella was so adamant about moving in with me was to avoid rent.
Mostly because she’s shying away from 30 and still unemployed. But honestly, I can’t accommodate someone else.
I told them how my fiancé and I were planning to start a family. Brittany said, “So what, 3 of you can fit in a room.”
Actually no. With a dresser, bed, and wardrobe, we can’t accommodate a crib in there.
The last straw was when Dad said “You don’t do that to your sister. She’s family.” I snapped.
“No. She is not my sister. And Brittany is not my mother, no matter how much you force it on me.” There…I said it to their faces.
Idk why they get offended after hearing the truth. They all were offended. I’ll miss my dad. Especially since he has now cut contact with me. And the last message he sent was
“Can’t believe a selfish, spoiled brat was a product of me.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ You don’t owe anyone accommodation. Not even a biological sibling who you love with all your heart. Not even if you lived in a 10-bedroom house where you rotated which room you slept in each night. Also, I don’t understand why Stella can’t live with Brittany and your dad while she finds her feet.” RMaua
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Stella moving in with you makes no sense. Why doesn’t she stay with your dad and his wife? The fact that the parents are trying to force this and Stella isn’t even part of this emotional blackmail attempt would mean every interaction with her wouldn’t be private, it would come with a circus.
Does she even want to move in with you? Tell your dad you learned to prioritize your partner from him. Tell him your fiancé said No, maybe he’ll understand that.” cassowary32
Another User Comments: ”
NTJ! You don’t owe them anything and this is not a selfish thing.
Your dad just showed you who he truly is. He chose that horrible wife and her daughter over his bio child. My advice is to accept the fact that he blocked you. Good riddance, the trash took itself out of your life. When your dad tries to come back into your life please remember who he truly is.
You live your best life and build your little family. When you have your babies protect them from that garbage that is your so-called dad and his family.” zero-nopes
17. AITJ For Asking My Brother to Follow the Graduation Dinner Dress Code?
“I (18F) am graduating high school soon. We have a graduation dinner coming up and the dress code is “formal/gala.” If you’re unsure what that means, just take into consideration that some men are wearing full blown tuxedos.
My mom, dad, and brother (26M) are coming with me.
I asked my brother if he knew what he was wearing and he listed out the items and colors. I noticed that his blazer wouldn’t match his pants. I told him that isn’t in dress code and asked if he could pick one color and get a new blazer or pants to match it.
He got SO mad at me. Talking about “I know what the dress code is and I’m fine… Stop pressuring me… You’re not listening… You’re a child…” etc.
I told him that my mom and I don’t want to wear long dresses, my dad doesn’t want to wear a tie, but we do it for the event because that’s the dress code.
And I told him that if he’s not going to fit the dress code, I don’t want him going because he’s too stubborn to do one little thing that literally everybody does for this event.
For extra context, my brother has really bad issues with authority and criticism.
No one can say anything to him that’s even slightly different than what’s in his head or he will argue like crazy and block you out. He’s pretty much always been like this even with me as his little sister. A couple years ago, I visited his apartment and told him that it was filthy and he should work on that because he lived and worked there.
He blew up saying it was my fault as his guest there and he blocked my number for 3 months until my dad finally told him to unblock me.
AITJ? Does he have a point? Should I let it go and let him show up how he wants or should I insist that he match the dress code?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ But you obviously aren’t going to convince him. Let your parents deal with him. Just stop discussing it. He is going to stand out. Hopefully he at least wears a tie. Don’t be embarrassed because people will see how old he is and know that he dressed himself.” tatersprout
Another User Comments:
“Ntj. The school sets the dress code, you didn’t. And according to all the sites out there the dress code is: The majority of gala dinners are classed as ‘black tie’ events, so organises do expect male guests to wear either a tuxedo or a three piece suit.
This should be in a dark colour like black or navy blue and paired with a formal tie or a cravat. It is up to you whether you opt for a single or a double breasted jacket; both are usually acceptable. A cummerbund may also be worn, but it is rare for such an accessory to be mandatory.” jadepumpkin1984
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It sounds like he’ll be out of place and saying something makes sense. But, two things to consider – 1: your parents need to have this conversation with him. They paid for the ticket and they’ll presumably be the ones out funds if he’s turned away from the event for not meeting the dress code (if it’s that kind of thing).
2: If he does show up and looks too informal, people will be judging him for that and not you. You will still be just fine yourself if your brother ends up being someone who doesn’t meet the social expectations.” Illustrious-Shirt569
16. AITJ For Blowing Up At My Partner's Friend And Not Accepting His Apology?
“My partner and I started recently going out.
His friend, who we’ll call Jake for convenience, knew I liked him before we started going out and disapproved despite everyone else in the group rooting and approving. Once we started going out, he began to disrespect our relationship extremely. He called me a cheap girl behind my back, said I didn’t deserve my partner, said I was using him as a rebound, and more things that are too much to list. It took my partner and another friend 4 times to tell him to stop.
More background, my friend group plays a lot of video games and normally streams on Discord. Jake repeatedly backseat games and I’ve told him multiple times to stop and that it’s extremely annoying and makes me more angry than I already am at the game.
Here’s where I may be a jerk. He did this last night and I blew up at him, saying I didn’t care what he had to say and that he was being so annoying and to stop. I completely lost my temper and let everything I felt about him and his disrespect towards me let loose.
I said I was tired of all the crap he says to me and to just shut up. I was stern but normally my sternness comes off rude which I can understand. He just went quiet and didn’t say anything for a while.
Today, my partner and I got into a sort of disagreement about him and how Jake’s feelings were hurt and that I had no reason to yell at him.
My partner said he was trying to change and did feel bad and planned to apologize to me in person to show he did mean it. I genuinely don’t see Jake as a friend anymore and I’m tired of the disrespect from him and the disrespect he’s given the other partners of the group which is a whole other story.
I feel like I shouldn’t accept his apology. My friends told me I had no reason to accept his apology but though my partner didn’t side with him, agreed that I shouldn’t have been so hostile. Now I’m starting to think I didn’t have a reason to be as rude and should’ve just let it go and not take it so personally.
AITJ for blowing up at him and would I be the jerk if I didn’t accept his apology? I do have BPD and ADD so I’m known to throw a lot of things out of proportion and become angry very quickly.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Jake thinks all the women in the group are his personal girl catalog, so he gets jealous when any of you are in a relationship. He doesn’t want you, but he wants you to want him. You moved on and his ego is bruised. You’re better off without him.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You would’ve been warranted to lose your temper after any of the initial things you say he did. Your partner saying you had “no reason to yell at” someone who had called you a cheap girl and said that you didn’t deserve your relationship is just as big of an issue.
Just because the straw that broke the camel’s back may not have been the worst violation he committed doesn’t mean this guy didn’t deserve to get roasted. Oh, his feelings were hurt? Bummer.” JNF919
15. AITJ For Not Caring About My Brother's New Partner?
“I (18F) was not bullied in high school, but I was an overweight, shy, art kid- meaning it was a funny joke to ask me out on fake dates and laugh while I presented speeches in class.
After an incident at junior prom where I and another girl wore the same off-the-rack dress, she was aggressive to me. She was also into art, and in our classes together would say downright cruel things about me and my work during critiques (so bad that my art teacher stopped doing them).
It did a number on my self-esteem and my pride as an artist and in a way impacted me furthering my art education.
This weekend my brothers and I were all home from school, and my oldest brother (21M), told us he wanted us to meet his new partner.
For context, my brother broke up with a longtime partner of his last year and only recently started coming out of the slump that left him, so we were thrilled to meet this new person. I was excited too, because despite the contents of this story I do love my brother.
Except that this new person was the girl from high school who also conveniently went to that college. Admittedly I got very emotional here. I started crying and shut myself in my room for the rest of the night, and later my brother came to talk to me after she had left. He was mad and told me I was being childish, even though I explained why I was upset and what the history between his new partner and I was.
He told me that was all in the past and that I needed to get over it and be happy that he ‘found love again.’ I told him he could shove his love up his butt because she hurt me badly and he was hurting me by doing this, and he went quiet and left. Now my parents are mad at me and telling me I’m being sensitive and we should be happy for my brother, but I don’t think I’m in the wrong here.
I’m only a year out of high school so it’s not like this is decades-old beef, and they all know what I went through at the hands of the kids at school, especially this girl. So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Nobody can force you to be happy for your brother, knowing how miserable she made your life not too long ago, but you also can’t tell your brother who to date.
You told him about your history with her, and now it’s up to him what to do with that information. It sounds like he’s going to keep seeing her, so you need to decide whether your relationship with your brother is worth at least trying to get along with her.
If she’s still a jerk to you and your brother chooses her over you, then he’s the jerk.” Quiet_Nerd_2148
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Why would you forgive and forget when that girl has done nothing to earn your forgiveness? As far as you’re concerned, she’s a cruel and abusive jerk who doesn’t shy away from punishing others for her insecurities.
No one should be surprised that as far as you’re concerned, she’s not welcome in your family.” Bo_O58
Another User Comments:
“Gentle YTJ, not for feeling upset, since you certainly have a right to your feelings, but for the way you handled them. Crying and shutting yourself away rather than simply being polite and getting through the night was indeed a childish way to handle things.
You aren’t required to get along with your brother’s new partner, but your words to him were unnecessarily harsh. He’s seeing this person because he likes her, not to hurt you in any way. By all means, keep your contact with her to a minimum, but understand that your brother sees something in her and that as long as she’s part of his life, you need to learn to treat her with basic civility.” darkling-dawns
14. AITJ For Wanting to Get My Niece a Ring When My Mom's Getting Her One Too?
“I’m the type of person that gets people exactly what they want (if I can afford it). I save from my social security sometimes for gifts if someone talks a lot about a gift they want, so getting a certain gift feels extra special because I saved for it.
I’m not sure if that makes sense. My niece told me for her high school graduation present, she wanted a ring, so my friend told me about Pandora. They have retired sales where the jewelry is expensive and good quality (according to my friend) but marked down.
My mom lost it on me when I said I was getting my niece a ring too because my niece told me “I want a lot of rings.” I don’t know if this is a neurodivergent thing, but I take things very literally. I don’t like diverting from what someone wants/needs.
My mom asked, “Why are you getting her the same thing I am?” I replied, “It’s not the same stones, etc., it’s very different.” And I shared the link to the ring, and she said, “Looks cheap, waste of funds.” “It’s plated.” “You’re going to upset your niece because she’s very picky.”
I stopped messaging my mom and cried, feeling like an absolute failure of an aunt. I asked my niece’s mom (my sister) if it would be ok for this ring to be gifted, and she said, “Your niece would love a turd with glitter on it, she’s humble and would be grateful.”
I replied with, “Yeah, but does plated cause green fingers? I don’t want to get her something cheap.”
I ended up buying her real gold, freshwater pearl earrings for 48 dollars. They were originally 200, and I feel dumb because I hastily did it while feeling overwhelmed and guilty.
After buying it, I see the reviews, and a lot are bad. So now she’ll probably have broken earrings proving my mom was right about me getting cheap gifts. I wasn’t trying to compete with my mom. I think I got the wrong idea, and I don’t understand socially that it’s disrespectful to buy the same gift as someone else.
I was taking what my niece said literally and wanted to make her happy. I don’t have jewelry; I kind of hate it and don’t wear it, so I’m a jewelry noob.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ one bit. ‘I’m getting my niece a ring too because my niece told me “I want a lot of rings.”‘ So the recipient told you what she’d like & you were guided by that.
You seem to put a lot of thought into gift-giving generally. Have confidence in yourself & don’t ask your mom what she thinks. She’s only going to upset you by the sound of things. ‘I ended up buying her real gold, freshwater pearl earrings for 48 dollars.’ I’m sure your niece will like those too.
She’s lucky to have such a thoughtful, loving Aunt.” Apart-Ad-6518
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Return the ring if it has a lot of bad reviews. Don’t buy jewelry that consists of metals like brass. It will tarnish. If you can’t afford solid gold, I suggest stainless steel jewelry or sterling silver.
Multiple websites offer waterproof jewelry. A cheap one is Flaire & co if you want to check those out. And she stated she wanted a lot of rings. Don’t feel bad. You are giving her what she’s wanted.” lemon cookies
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your niece specifically said she liked having multiple rings.
Your Mum was extremely rude to you. If you did end up returning the gold earrings due to the reviews (depending on what the reviews say anyway), a good alternate choice would be to look into sterling silver jewelry as it’s more affordable than gold and won’t give green fingers.
Etsy has some lovely options. Little thin dainty ones and chunky gemstone ones.” SuspiciousOne5
13. AITJ For Staying Friendly With My Ex-Friend's Husband?
“Lane is married to Joe. Lane and I were friends when she met Joe right after college, and Joe became my friend too. For a while, I was their “third wheel” since Lane and I were roommates.
Then I met my now husband Max. Max and Joe became friends, and the four of us would all hang out, go on holidays, etc.
Both Lane and I got pregnant the same year, and our kids are now 2. After having kids, Lane and I didn’t have much in common anymore.
Her interests completely revolved around motherhood, every activity has to be child-focused or at least child-friendly, and while I respect that, it wasn’t how I wanted to live my life. She also became kind of disparaging about a lot of things I did, especially soon after birth.
Eventually, I just stopped offering to change every plan to suit her and said no to things that I didn’t want to do, so we just gradually stopped hanging out. That’s been over the past 9 months – a year.
Joe and Max, however, remained friends.
Joe and I were never super close but I did and still do consider him a friend. Joe and Max sometimes hang out, and sometimes, I am included in those hangouts. I don’t hang out with Joe alone because we’re just not friends like that, but I see him a few times a month with Max and sometimes other friends.
Three days ago, I got a long, angry text from Lane, telling me it’s incredibly inappropriate that I am still friends with Joe. She hadn’t realized I had been at these hangouts when he was out. She says I am a snake for still hanging around Joe after I dropped her as a friend.
I haven’t replied to the message because I don’t know if I should be apologizing or holding my ground.
On the one hand, Joe either lied or omitted my presence and he’s a jerk for that. On the other hand, I don’t think I did anything wrong by continuing to see him.
It’s not like we’re carrying on a separate or clandestine friendship. Joe is just like one of my husband’s friends that I get along with.
So I’m just trying to get my head around whether I’m actually in the wrong and should have dropped him when I started not being as close with Lane.
Did I do the wrong thing?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You aren’t Joe’s friend. You are friendly with him. There’s a subtle but real difference there. As you said, he’s one of your husband’s friends that you get along with.
But supporting your husband’s friendship with Joe, including occasionally hanging out with both of them, even after you and Lane went your separate ways is a good thing, not a bad thing. An adult thing, not an immature thing. But stop thinking about Joe so negatively now.
Have some empathy. He’s not a jerk. He’s a guy trying to navigate an awkward marital/friendship situation. If I were you, I’d be less concerned about whether I was wrong in the past and more concerned with finding out how Joe and Max want to handle this moving forward and finding a way to do that which preserves their friendship without making Joe miserable at home.” Curious-One4595
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You don’t see him 1 on 1 since he’s just a friend of your husband, nothing wrong with that. The way you described it your old friend seems to be the unrealistic one expecting loyalty from you where none is required. If she had a falling out with her husband then I could see that as ‘choosing a side’ in her mind, really strange though that she doesn’t want her husband to hang out with you, even indirectly like this.
She needs to get over her toxic self.” Raginglendi
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Friends don’t stop being friends just because a third person doesn’t want them to be. You have had a friendship that you like and it would not be up to her to tell you not to continue.
But it will probably end once Lane gets her claws into her husband over it since she can’t bully you. Just the reality.” Mustng1966
12. AITJ For Telling My Mother To Speak Kindly To My Younger Brother?
“So I (M18) live with my mother (F36) and my younger brother, let’s call him Fred. Fred has a lot of little anxieties that we have noticed over the years of things that most people would see as irrelevant.
Me and my mother have OCD, so we were wondering if maybe there was something similar going on in Fred’s situation. He’s in 2nd grade, so quite young.
So my mother works as a manager for a child care center out near where we live.
Child cares here sometimes get these little pets if the manager agrees to take care of it after work hours. So a few days ago, she came home with this small body and white budgie bird, and Fred fell in love with it. Now that the weekend is over, and the bird is returning to the center (but coming back every night), Fred is anxious that the kids will be too excited and reckless and accidentally harm the bird.
Now for some reason, whenever my mother comes home from anything stressful or tiring, she comes home EXTREMELY stern and blunt. And sometimes it’s just far too much. Today she came home and went off at me for all of the chores I didn’t do to a satisfactory level.
I apologized and made sure to do them to a proper level. But when she went into the room with Fred, Fred said to her, “Mum, I don’t want Snowy to go.” Snowy is the name of the budgie, for context. And mum’s response was, “Well, it’s their bird too!” and shrugged before walking off.
I didn’t think that was okay.
I walked up and said, “Hey, you can’t say that to the kid.” And she immediately goes off, talking about how I’m in no position to lecture her, and that I’m the child and she’s the mother and it’s her house, so she’ll say whatever she so pleases.
We argued back and forth, and I essentially told her that just because she is the provider, doesn’t mean that she doesn’t have to respect the other people who live with her and that she needed to stop being a jerk. She has now essentially said that if I’m some kind of man who can ‘puff his chest out’ and ‘tell her what’s what,’ then it’s time I move out because she isn’t going to change that behavior.
She also refuses to admit that her saying that to Fred is dismissive of the kid’s feelings and just quite disrespectful.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. She didn’t say anything mean or disrespectful; if anyone was, it was you. She told your brother it’s not his bird, and the other kids want to spend time with the bird too.
So you’re thinking she should just keep the bird to make your brother happy, make several kids unhappy, and possibly lose her job for not returning to school property?” Alternative-Gur-6208
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Nobody is gentle and overly accommodating all the time. Being a matter of fact is not something she needs to be criticized for.
She has a stressful job and cares for 2 kids with OCD and is the sole provider. She needs you to do your chores and needs your brother to know the bird has to go back to the program. Your dictating her tone is not appropriate.
She isn’t getting support and is juggling everything and doesn’t need a lecture from you.” Willing-Helicopter26
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I will be downvoted, but I agree that she shouldn’t snap, and I don’t believe telling her to speak kindly is wrong. Respect should not be based on income.
I’m sure everyone else will call you a snot-nosed punk who needs to shut up and be thankful you have a roof over your head, but I think it’s sweet that you care about how your brother is spoken to. You aren’t asking her to let him keep the bird.
You just want her to be kind.” gardeninggoddess666
11. AITJ For Telling My Depressed Brother To Get His Act Together At A Family Reunion?
“This happened almost two days ago and I’m still conflicted. I (25M) was at a family reunion for my mother’s birthday. I had to pick up my brothers (Richard 26M) and Justin (23M) at their places.
I live in a different city and I rarely see them. Growing up Richard and I were very close but lately, we rarely speak and he’s been distant. I love my brother but he’s usually very irritated and it’s very hard to establish a civil conversation with him, especially because his life is very difficult atm (no partner, no job, etc).
I picked up Richard and then proceeded to go to Justin’s place. As soon as he got in the car he said, “What’s that smell?” Now I did notice the smell before, but some places in the city smell bad, so I didn’t pay much attention to it.
Richard stayed silent all the ride, didn’t say a single word, it was Justin and I talking the whole time… and that smell…
After arriving at our parent’s house Justin approached me and asked if I was also sensing that awful smell coming from Richard.
I said yes because I suspected it was him. While we were there I noticed that Richard wasn’t talking to anyone and the family members who tried to keep a conversation with him were ignored or he just didn’t seem to bother to maintain any type of conversation with any of us except our mother.
Richard and my mom have always been close, and I’m sure he’s my mother’s favorite son, she even cleans his place every other week. But no resentment, she’s a good mother.
One uncle even joked, “What’s that smell coming from?” But all of us stayed silent because we knew that would be rude to mention.
There was a moment I couldn’t stand it anymore so I took Richard out and told him he smelled. He looked at me with so much shame and told me, “I’m sorry. Didn’t realize I smelled,” and I told him, “Well you do, everyone noticed it,” and he then told me not to be a jerk about it.
I told him, “I’m not a jerk. I know it’s been difficult lately but you need to get your act together and take a shower if you can’t keep a job.” He then looked at me really sad, called an Uber, and left.
My mom said that was a mean thing to do but I just think he overreacted. I do feel bad for him but someone had to do it… am I in the wrong here?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ someone did *not* have to berate someone who is depressed. You acknowledge your eldest brother is having a hard time right now but seem to think that gives you license to be rude and then have the gall to wonder why the eldest doesn’t seem to like you… I have a feeling this isn’t the first time you’ve berated him like this.
I hope it’s the last, though.” jbarneswilson
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You should have had some empathy for your brother. People suffering from depression sometimes find that taking care of themselves is very difficult. Things like showering in their minds might seem insurmountable. In this situation, you could have gone to your other brother and talked about sitting down with the suffering brother and offering support.
Maybe your brother needs someone to lean on or hear him out. The goal would be to let him know that he is loved and that your family is there for him. You didn’t do that. You called him out and was a jerk. Shame on you.” terrag32256
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your brother needs help, now. There is something wrong with him — if he smells that bad that sounds like he is not bathing or washing his clothes. He is also not engaging in conversation even when directly addressed, and he has no effect.
He needs immediate clinical intervention. If you or your family don’t intervene to get him professional help quickly you’re not going to have a brother Richard anymore.” saucisse
10. AITJ For Not Giving My Stepdaughter Funds for a Vacation?
“I am 38F married to my husband 42M. Back when I was 16 I gave birth to my daughter, Mary, dad deadbeat but we’re fine now anyway.
I started a business in my early 20s and now I’m considerably wealthy. My husband has a daughter, Jane, who’s only 1 year older than Mary. We got married 2 years ago and one of our main “aims” with this marriage was to have a nice accompany as we both had almost the same experience with love/birth as his ex left him with Jane just like my ex left me with Mary.
However, I’m objectively wealthier than my husband and finances have never been a main topic to us both thankfully.
Now Mary works in a certain institution and makes her own funds and pays her bills. But I also like to spoil her with funds and luxury and we travel a lot together sometimes I give her funds to travel alone.
Like she’s fine on her own financially but I give her always. Also, Mary has a partner who’s somewhat well off and always pays for their dates so Mary wanted to surprise him on his birthday but her plans were kind of above budget so I paid the rest.
Everything was fine until Jane called me saying she wanted me to give her 2K for her and her friends to travel for a little vacation. I told her 2K for a vacation is a lot I can help her with some but she then brought up everything I get and paid for Mary and never her.
I told her because Mary has no one but me, as my husband doesn’t contribute anything to Mary so obviously I’ll direct my efforts to her and she also works she doesn’t just depend on me. Let’s just say that phone call wasn’t the nicest.
I know the whole perception that if you marry someone with kids then they’re your kids too, sure Jane is not a kid she was 21 when I got married to her father. So that’s why it was never logical for me to become her mother just like she never tried to become my daughter just like my husband tried to be Mary’s father.
This family started with all adults and I never tried to separate Jane and her father or get between them. Not that I have a problem with giving Jane funds in general, it was her entitlement in demanding the funds.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Jane is too old to behave this way.
She must have never heard the expression “Don’t count someone else’s funds”. It was very bad judgment for her to have asked for funds. That was compounded when she doubled down to explain why **you** were in the wrong for not giving it. You didn’t owe her any justification for your financial decisions, no matter who benefits.
You teach people how to treat you. Next time, reply with a firm no, then end the discussion. Explaining your thinking only gives her ammo to counter and encroach upon your resolve. Let this be a teachable moment for you. She has given you powerful insight into her attitude toward you; don’t waste it.” CandylandCanada
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but you are the new piggy bank. Just out of curiosity: how did Jane learn you are giving Mary funds and roughly how much? In the absence of any other info, I think your husband is saying things to Jane and wanting you to cheerfully accept being the piggy bank.
Your reasoning is perfectly valid and if you want to be gracious you can explain to Jane how her entitled attitude has resulted in not getting any funds.” Random-OldGuy
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, the Cinderella stepmother comments don’t make any sense, Cinderella was a minor when her father married her stepmother and she and her step sisters were raised together.
When her father died, her mother inherited his wealth and ill-treated Cinderella who should have inherited some of her father’s wealth. The stepmother was a poor widow whom the wealthy widower married to provide a mother figure for his daughter. No one needs to pay for adult children or stepchildren to holiday, to ask is extremely entitled. As an adult Jane should understand that she is not entitled to her stepmother’s wealth.” Ill-Novel5199
9. AITJ For Not Letting a Stranger's Kid Use My Arcade Card?
“Yesterday, I (17M) took my cousins (7F and 2M) to a play zone + arcade in a mall while our parents were shopping. My brother is very mischievous and handling both, him and my sister at the same time is a very difficult task.
I got a play zone and arcade card.
He started playing in a game car. A stranger was standing right next to the car with her kid. My sister wanted me to get her a teddy bear from the claw machine, so I took her there, and when I turned back to see if my brother was fine, I saw the stranger’s kid in the car, which I paid for my brother to play, and he was watching the kid and his mother with a sad face.
So I immediately went up to him to ask what happened, and he said that the mother got him out of the car and made his son ride it.
I politely asked the woman to get her kid out of the car as I paid for it for my brother and not her kid.
She told me that she didn’t have a card while her kid continued riding the car. I asked her to get one, but she started explaining how her partner left her, and now she is a single mom, and it is very difficult for her to raise a kid and pay for all this stuff.
I didn’t want to be rude, so I just let him play and took my brother to another game. Again the same woman came and got her kid to play the game instead of my brother while I was busy with my sister. I again politely asked the woman to get her kid off the game, but she denied it and again started explaining to me the same thing.
I got really upset and asked her to get him off, or I would have to talk to the arcade manager to get her out. She started shouting at me and told me that I was a very cruel, cold-hearted person for not letting her kid have fun.
I calmly said that I paid for my cousins to enjoy, not some stranger’s kid, and it’s not my fault if she can’t pay for it. Everybody in the arcade was looking at us, and she got out of the arcade while murmuring.
So, AITJ for not letting her kid enjoy the games that I paid for my cousins to play.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re not responsible for providing entertainment for other people’s children. It’s important to stand up for yourself and set boundaries, even if it means causing a scene. However, next time consider setting clear rules with your brother about sharing the arcade card to avoid similar situations.” Odd_Character6648
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for the woman. I’d still speak to a manager and have the games refunded though. These arcade places are already a rip-off and price gouge. You should never leave a 2-year-old unattended though. This woman already took advantage of him, and you never know what creeps would do the same.
Your sister’s teddy bear could have waited until you could all go together.” Oubliette_95
Another User Comments:
“You’re NTJ. She was stealing from you (unless it’s one of those time cards you can use an unlimited number of times, in which case she was just being rude, entitled, and obnoxious.) “She started explaining how her partner left her, and now she is a single mom, and it is very difficult for her to raise a kid and pay for all this stuff.” Well, tough.
She needs to go after him for child support. Besides, a trip to the arcade is a luxury. She wasn’t asking for a necessity; she was demanding a free ride on a toy.” Dittoheadforever
8. AITJ For Apologizing To Restaurant Staff For My Mom's Rude Behavior?
“I 28F went out to eat yesterday with my family and friends.
There were 6 of us total at our table. For some background, my mom (58F) tends to complain at every restaurant my husband or I choose and we usually ignore her. She always complains about the quality of food (too salty, or if it’s from a culture whose food she is unfamiliar with) or the atmosphere (if it’s not nice enough decor-wise).
No one ever agrees with her and my husband and I concluded that she just thinks that complaining makes her look cool or something.
Yesterday, we ate at a Vietnamese restaurant and my mom immediately started making fun of the waitstaff by mimicking their language when they would speak to each other.
She thought it was hilarious but I quietly told her that that’s mean and that the waitstaff could hear her. She brushed me off but I could tell she was embarrassed because even though I quietly corrected her, everyone could tell that I did.
I guess because she was embarrassed she started doubling down on her behavior to act like she was never wrong to begin with. A waitress came and took her drink that was empty and only had ice in it. My mom got upset at the waitress and loudly told her she wasn’t finished with her drink and that she was waiting for the ice to melt.
The waitress apologized to my mom and said she could bring her another drink but my mom wouldn’t let it go. She continued to loudly complain about it saying that the waitress needed to learn to ask before taking items from the table. Management came and brought my mom her new drink free of charge and apologized and even after that my mom still acted rude and complained saying she wanted her melted ice drink.
I was so embarrassed by my mom that I apologized to the manager and waitress in front of her. My husband did as well.
Now my mom is mad at me saying that she did nothing wrong and that I embarrassed her in front of everyone by doing that.
She said that if I felt that she did something wrong I should have pulled her aside and left it up to her to apologize. She’s giving me the cold shoulder and I am wondering if I should apologize to her.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Literally what happened to me. My mother started sucking the joy out of eating in restaurants in the same way, I’d sit there getting more and more tense and hating every minute. After apologizing about her to the staff a few times and paying massive tips, I just decided never to eat out with her ever again.
In the end, her behavior spread to being rude about me and about my wife, and one day I just stopped visiting her or speaking to her at all.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“ESH Let me be clear. You and your husband are *not* jerks in this situation for apologizing to the manager and waitress in front of your mother.
BUT! I think that you and your husband are still kinda jerks because you continue to choose to go out to eat with your mother, even though you know of her tendency to complain at every restaurant that you or your husband choose. Why do you continue to do this, even though you know that your Mom is going to complain?
I think that your Mom is the bigger jerk in this situation because her behavior and attitude sucks.” mpurdey12
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It sounds like your mother’s behavior was bad even for her, so you were right to apologize. You should not apologize to your mother – if anyone embarrassed her, she did it to herself, as well as embarrassing you.
Your mother needs to know that horrible behavior is not acceptable at any time. She said you should have taken her aside – you tried to correct her and she doubled down on her behavior. So that was not an option, since she was determined not to stop.” bamf1701
7. AITJ For Asking My SIL To Stop Giving My Daughter Too Many Sweets?
“I 29f have a daughter 2.5yo. My husband, 31, daughter, and I went to my husband’s grandmother’s 80th birthday this weekend, and it was a large party. Well, my daughter is the first grandchild and spoiled by all, including SIL 38f “Sally”. When we go visit, my daughter and her aunt have a great relationship like the one that I had with my aunt when I was a kid.
I love it. She has always been supportive of me with my in-laws and my parents at times. Well, at the birthday, there was tons of food. My daughter was having a blast playing with all the other kids and her aunt. I noticed that Sil was feeding my daughter cake and cookies and whatnot.
I told Sil that my daughter had plenty and no more sugar.
Well, more than once, just in a fun tone to not cause problems. It kind of bothered me that I had to say something but kept getting the response of Aww it’s fine Mom I got her.
Well, lo and behold, my daughter was up all night with a belly ache. Luckily, there was no throw-up, but she’s still in pull-ups at night, and we changed her twice before she finally went to sleep and gave her some medicine. She didn’t go to sleep until about 2 in the morning.
Well, the next day, I talked to my sister and told her about their daughter being up and asked her to please stop when I or her brother (husband) says no more. I explained that it wasn’t that big of a deal but to keep it in mind for future events.
I mean, she’s my SIL… we see her at every family event.
Well, my SIL did not take it too well and went to the extreme, saying that she will be hands-off from now on since she can’t be the aunt she wants so she’s not in trouble with us or the family when it comes to my daughter.
I tried telling her that’s not what I was getting at. There was some back and forth, and I ended up just telling her to talk to me when she was calm. It hurts because she has 2 kids of her own and would talk about how her in-laws would overstep.
I thought she would understand where I was coming from. So AITJ for asking her to stop when we’ve said it’s enough?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Treat passive aggression as sincerity. Don’t pander. ‘I’ll just be hands-off then.’ ‘Great. Your actions hurt my kid against my explicit wishes.
I am glad you agree to stop. When you listen to me regarding my kid, we can revisit this.’ Then change the subject.” tealcandtrip
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You asked for something reasonable. She interpreted that as since I can’t do whatever I want, I’m going to pout like a child.
That’s a straight manipulation. Also, what she’s saying is the aunt she wants to be is one that gets her niece sick, keeps her up all night, and sabotages the family’s sleep.” Parasamgate
6. AITJ For Planning A Vacation Without My Mother?
“I (f21) and my mom (f60s) have an interesting relationship. Somedays we are best friends, and other days I am the worst thing that has ever happened to her.
Growing up, we were lower middle class and did not have much funds for vacations. If we did travel, it was to Florida. Our trips to Florida included visiting her extended family, a majority of whom are now in jail, and sitting in a hotel room watching TV because she wanted to “relax”.
This is not, nor has ever been my ideal vacation. Once my brother turned 16, he stopped going on these trips and my father eventually did as well.
Since December all my mother has been talking about is wanting to go on vacation this summer. I have a full-time job and a good income, and I have 2 weeks in August that I can take off, so I was more than open to the idea of going on a vacation.
The thing is, I wanted to go somewhere new, potentially to California Colorado, or even Maine, but my mom just wants to go to Florida again and “relax”. I have expressed to her multiple times that I am not interested in spending my funds to sit in a hotel in Florida when we are from New Jersey and I can just spend a weekend at the beach here or visit my friends in Virginia.
For about 2 months, every time I suggested going somewhere other than Florida, the conversation always circled back to Florida or it was shut down. A few weeks back she agreed to a road trip to Colorado, but the minute I started to make actual plans, she decided it would be “too hot there so we should go to Florida instead”.
So, I talked to a few of my friends and planned a trip to Virginia with them instead.
Yesterday my mom mentioned how she was so excited to go to Florida this summer to my aunt while on the phone, and after she hung up she came over to me and asked me if I had booked the hotel yet.
I told her that I hadn’t because I was not going to Florida with her.
She started crying because I “am selfish” and “don’t care about her”, but I just want to take a vacation that is not a poorly air-conditioned room.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Ntj. I love me some TV but going on vacation to just hole up in a hotel room and watch TV is crazy to me. Just stay home at that point it’s so much cheaper. I’m also absolutely rolling at the fact Colorado got shut down for hotness but Florida is known for being hot.
Your mom is something else that’s for sure.” RevolutionaryPanda07
Another User Comments:
“You’re not the jerk. My parents were like that too. For the longest time, I gave into the guilt trips and realized that for years I hadn’t lived my life at all because of it.
Your life is yours to live, not hers. Go on a trip with here now and then, sure by all means, but you need things for yourself too. There has to be some compromise there. And if she’s not willing to, then set out on your own.
Live. Your. Life.” BWC_Military_Pilot
5. AITJ For Refusing To Visit My MIL After She Fat-Shamed Me?
“I (26f) and my husband (26m) just welcomed our first baby a few months ago. He and I are overjoyed and I am so in love with our tiny bundle. My family has been super supportive, bringing us dinners and making sure we had time for napping while we adjusted to parent life.
My husband’s family is different from mine in a lot of ways. They didn’t want to visit us and only wanted us to come to them (they live about 20 minutes away) and didn’t care to offer much support following the birth. We were fine with it and brought our baby over when we were able to – around 3 times a month.
After the first month, my MIL began commenting about how much she prioritized “losing the baby weight” after she had her first baby. At first, I didn’t think anything of it, I thought she was just voicing her experience as many people do when they are around babies.
She then started commenting on my baby’s chubby cheeks, and how similar they are to mine. I felt a bit hurt but let it slide once again. The final straw was when my husband was talking to her casually about my wanting to start going on runs again and how we were planning on making it work since our baby is very attached to me.
She very loudly said “You’re thinking about trying to run? Shouldn’t you start with walking?” His whole family was in the room and looked at me waiting for my answer. I am an avid runner who only stopped due to my pregnancy, and her comment hurt.
When I was a teenager I had a really bad relationship with food, one that I am still struggling with. Comments on my body or physical abilities are hurtful to hear, and she is someone who I knew talked about people’s bodies behind their backs, but I didn’t think she would be so mean to my face.
I am not skinny by any means, but live a healthy and active lifestyle so weight should not be my concern.
This is where I feel like a jerk. I don’t want to see her anymore. She makes me feel like crap about myself and my husband is backing me up 100%.
His mom is angry because she thinks we are just keeping her grandchild away from her and believes it is unfair. He goes there without me but it is difficult to take our baby because she is exclusively breastfed and refuses bottles of any kind.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, it is completely your choice to avoid someone who makes you feel bad about your body. Her intentions are not relevant, and it doesn’t matter if her actions are small. She is being very selfish and inconsiderate. Perhaps she isn’t aware of the seriousness of her behavior.
This isn’t on you, but perhaps your husband could remind her what triggers are and that she needs to be more considerate to keep the peace (i.e. make it bearable for you to be around her) Best wishes and stay happy/healthy.” Luke-Waum-5846
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have no right to a baby, but ESPECIALLY if you don’t respect the parents. And this isn’t about you not wanting to see her anymore. This should be your husband insisting that your MIL has no right to see any of you until she has apologized to YOU; an incredible person, his wife, and the mother of his child.” RelativeMarket2870
Another User Comments:
“NTJ she thinks you need to lose weight?? We (nearly everyone in the world) think that she needs to learn some manners. Put her in a time-out and tell her that each time she is rude, she will be put in another time-out.
She will be denying herself access to her grandchild. People only treat you as you let them. If she doesn’t want to learn consideration and manners, then why do you want her in your life or your daughter’s?” User
4. AITJ For Stepping Back From My Sister's Toxic Relationship?
“I (25F) have always had a close relationship with my sister (W, 19).
W met J (23) when she was 18. They were friends with benefits initially and then started working together in a restaurant/pub where J’s mum was the landlady.
Between Jan – and March this year, W was constantly calling me for hours on end, telling me all the things J was doing which in my opinion is mental mistreatment.
I.e. would call her childish and immature in arguments despite her being 4 years younger than him, attack her looks, what she wears, etc. There’s lots more.
For the past couple of months, I have been trying to support W to leave the relationship, but they would break up, he’d come crawling back with the ol’ love bombing tricks and she’d return to him.
Then she announced she was pregnant. J told his whole family 10 minutes later in the local pub.
I expressed to W about the man she is choosing to have a child with, and how concerned I am for her wellbeing. I said I would support her, but there’s no point trying to raise a baby with a man like that.
They broke up again a few days after the news came out, and I felt like she was ready to do it on her own, she wasn’t crying or sad over the situation, she hated how he was treating her.
Then she goes to Tenerife with him for two weeks.
I ranted to my mum about the situation, not about W, more about the boy, and our mum must have mentioned my frustrations to W when she returned from holiday, as I received a very strong-worded message telling me to mind my own business and to not speak badly about the father of her child.
So I’ve wiped my hands off her. I cannot be bothered to keep repeating myself and I’ve lost sympathy. I also have AUDHD so I just can’t comprehend the situation without getting irrationally triggered.
I said I have no interest in the situation anymore, I don’t care for the life she’s trying to build and I certainly am not excited for a new arrival that is most probably gonna have a crappy childhood.
Neither of them works, doesn’t have a license, has no financial stability, and both live with their parents.
My partner agrees with me, but my mum and immediate family believe that I’m being way too harsh, my sister needs me now more than ever, and they might work it out.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sounds like W has your mum and other family to support her and pretend that her bad choices are okay. Leave them to it. Just tell her she’s your sister and you’ll always love her. If she asks you direct questions about J or why you don’t like him, that’s a trap—don’t answer.
Step back a little, make polite excuses about being busy, and don’t agree to babysit or anything. Don’t give her the honest answer “I know this dumpster fire is going to explode, so I want to keep my distance until after the flaming garbage goes flying.” NapalmAxolotl
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. No, no, no do not fall for your family’s nonsense. They know the odds of “might work it out” in today’s age are slim to none. They want you and your partner to fall in line with the it takes a village mentality.
Do not do this. Live your life, and do what you want to do without mentioning your sister or her baby daddy. Please don’t get suckered or conned into playing auntie because I promise you doing so will never be acknowledged or repaid. You’ll be expected to do, and when you have a child and expect the same family to rally around you’ll get crickets.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Stepping back is the best thing to do (and what your sister requested with her MYOB). Don’t put yourself out to be triggered. If you stay involved, your disdain for baby daddy will become apparent and injure the relationship with your sister, perhaps forever.
Remain out of and above the fray, and should the time come when she reaches out to you for help after leaving her relationship, re-evaluate. Abusive relationships are tough to be in and almost more difficult to watch. So many end up dropping charges and returning for more of the same (I think something like 7 times?), so just be patient and see how it goes.” BefuddledPolydactyls
3. AITJ For Not Wanting A Sober Bachelor Party?
“I’m supposed to be going to a 12-person bachelor party in June, planned by the best man.
I am in the wedding. We are in our late 20’s, and early 30’s. We are going to a lakeside town for 4 days. This town has a main street with bars and nearby casinos.
Over the last year, the groom has gotten a bit distant and hung out less, when he does hang out he doesn’t seem like himself.
His fiance, who we don’t know well, is believed to be sober and she is an influence on him when he does come around. That’s fine, we are getting older and less rowdy. It’s not that big a deal. Until now.
The groom let everyone know in a group chat that he would like this to be a sober weekend.
Nearly immediately a new group chat without the groom was started and everyone was upset. It’s a bachelor party, we are all expecting to let loose. All of us are traveling to this place and using PTO, and we don’t see each other as often as we used to.
The best man is mad, we are all going crazy. The gambling and drinking were assumed because he’s participated in those things for most of the 15 years we’ve been friends. He’s known the location for months and why the location was chosen.
So I texted back in the main group chat and that is not something I and I’m sure others are interested in.
I asked where this is coming from. I asked if he had a problem. He said no and he doesn’t drink anymore and its something his fiance wants. So he is going to respect her. I’m just like, it’s a bachelor party, getting intoxicated is expected. He said he wants us to respect his wishes.
He’s suggested doing hikes and going to the local national park. I’m just like, yeah, some of us are not going to do that the whole time. I said this is a ridiculous request by your fiance. I told him we don’t want to do a sober bachelor party, I’ve expressed that I’d still come but wouldn’t be doing the full 4-day trip and looking into staying elsewhere.
He is mad we are not respecting his and his fiance’s wishes and seems upset we don’t want to do the activities he suggested.
Now the trip feels like it is in jeopardy. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“I gotta say, I’ve never personally thought that a bachelor’s party was about *me* at all.
It’s about a bachelor. It’s about celebrating a friend getting married. Are there usually aspects tied to getting a little loose and wacky? Yeah sure, but it’s generally accepted that the priority here is the soon-to-be-groom having a good time, and if he wants to have a good time *sober*, I fail to see why everyone needs over a month to mentally prepare for not drinking over a single 4 day weekend.
It’s kind of funny that y’all asked *him* if he was the one with a drinking problem. Seems to be it’s everyone *else* who is having a hard time imagining a celebration *for someone else* without getting intoxicated.” dornenzahn
Another User Comments:
“ESH I feel like if this situation was reversed (a group of guys planned a chill weekend with hiking and board games, groom at the last minute decided everyone was going out and getting wasted and bar-hopping instead) people wouldn’t be so firmly in the Y T J camp.
Demanding your friends do whatever you want for 4 days straight because you’re getting married is ridiculous.” andromache97
2. AITJ For Not Inviting My Wife's Sister To Spread Her Ashes In Hawaii?
“My wife passed away in June of last year. It’s been a difficult transition for me but I’m holding it together and adjusting to my new life. My wife specified in her will that I and a couple who were with us when we were married in Hawaii 30 years ago return to Hawaii to spread her ashes at Waiʻānapanapa State Park on Maui.
Our trip is planned for October, where I will spread her ashes on our anniversary at the place we agreed is the most beautiful place we have ever seen.
My wife had two sisters, one of whom I’ll call Lara. Before passing, my wife warned me that Lara was going to have a very hard time dealing with her passing, and she was right.
Lara is still very emotional about her sister’s passing and has said several times that she wants to go when I make the trip to spread the ashes. I always remained non-committal on that.
The thing is, I want to stick with what my wife specified in her will, which is me and our two close friends taking the trip together.
While this trip has a purpose, it’s also a vacation for me. I and my two friends are making it a blowout vacation, with first-class plane tickets and beachfront rooms in nice hotels, something I’ve never done before, but that’s how my wife would have wanted us to do it.
Lara is on a very limited retirement income and could not afford to join us if invited. I guess I could pay for it but I don’t want to vacation with her. She’s a sweet and thoughtful person but disaster seems to follow her everywhere.
I like her. I just don’t want to vacation with her.
Today Lara asked me if I’ve made my plans to spread the ashes and I told her I have. I know she’s hurt I’m not inviting her. I could see it in her eyes.
After all, this is her sister, and I understand how she feels and how this would her with closure. I’ve thought about giving her some of the ashes she could spread somewhere herself, but I don’t like the idea of splitting them up. I could suggest she and her husband join us and then go our separate ways, but it’s almost like taunting her since she has such a limited income.
I’m torn between what I need and what my wife’s sister needs and just want to do the right thing. AITJ because I won’t invite or pay for my wife’s sister to join me when I spread my wife’s ashes?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ in not wanting to be cruel and highlight her financial situation you’re depriving her of the chance to say goodbye and gain some closure.
And it’s only you who feels like that is what it would do. You don’t have to outline the rest of the exorbitant vacation to her, let her know the day you’re doing it, and maybe set aside time to have dinner with her after which you can share stories and remember your wife and then go your separate ways.” twizzle
Another User Comments:
“Could you invite her in advance to just the spreading of the ashes, or video call her for it and let her join from her home? Could you save some ashes for her too? Giving Lara some options to get closure seems like a good idea.
Even if you don’t like splitting the ashes, this could be a good solution to leave some in a mini-urn for Lara or give her an urn necklace. It’s not expensive at all.” GriefWater1911
Another User Comments:
“YTJ —just give her the details of then when and where and say it was specified in the will and so you are honoring it.
But if she can’t make it I encourage you to give some some of the ashes- even a small token amount to have her ceremony with. It will not hurt anything – your wife’s soul won’t be torn in two realms or anything and it will mean a lot to her sister.
Inviting and paying for a luxury beach vacation is unreasonable. Providing a small amount of ashes and a time and place for the main event isn’t.” ResistSpecialist4826
1. AITJ For Refusing To Put My Parents' Names On Our Wedding Invitations?
“Last year me (25F) and my partner (25M) got engaged and we will get married next in February.
We are both recent graduate students, so we are not that stable financially (I’m doing my PhD and he is working, we have a fairly good income, but nothing too extravagant).
I was raised in a wealthy family that is currently (sometimes) supporting us with funds for school, vacations, etc.
My fiance is an orphan, so he is solely supporting himself. We initially wanted a small ceremony we could afford, but my family insisted we do something big (I’ve always wanted a bit of a more extra wedding, but didn’t mind at all having something small and intimate) that they will 100% cover.
We were super thankful for this opportunity.
Now, we live in a more traditional region (don’t know if that’s what everybody does) and people usually have their parents’ names on the invitation. I presented the invitations to my mother (I, for obvious reasons, did not include that parent’s rubric).
She freaked out, wanting her and my father’s name to be on it. I explained to her it wouldn’t be appropriate to do it since my partner does not have any family besides me, but she stated that we could add…his parents. I freaked out and went home.
She called my fiance and made this entire scene. He is a kind and nonconflictual person and said he doesn’t care about invitations, so we can do it the way my mother wants to avoid any big argument.
I refused, but eventually, I sent my immediate family and some of their close friends those disgusting invitations and sent normal ones to everybody else.
Somehow my mother found out about the other invitations and came over to my house. She yelled and threw a tantrum and told us that she was not paying for anything. We already paid much of the wedding off, but she now wants us to return her funds.
I refused, called her a bad word I’m ashamed to share here (not my best moment), and sent her home.
Now all my family (besides my dad and sister) threaten to not come, call, and argue with me and say I’m being a selfish jerk for not “letting my mother who is paying have at least this little wish.” My mother constantly comes over, demanding her funds back, but I don’t plan on doing so.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ I’m from a traditional area, too, and putting the parents‘ name on the invite means they’re hosts…ie…they’re paying. Your mom wanted the recognition that she was paying for the event. Seems fair enough since she is, indeed, paying for the entire event.
you easily could have put something like “Mr and Mrs Smith request the honor of your company at the wedding of their daughter, Jane Doe, to Mr. John Cook. And left his parents off completely since he didn’t know them. or you could have worked out a compromise without trying to trick her with 2 sets of invites.
demanding the funds back is a bit ESH, but you created this situation. you also seemed very volatile over it instead of figuring out a compromise like adults.” TravelingBride2024
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Here’s an option. Tell her that you are canceling the big wedding and will return her the funds that you get back from the deposits.
Go ahead with the small wedding you originally wanted. Let your mother know that each of the guests who get uninvited from the smaller wedding ceremony will be told that they were dropped because she asked for her funds back and you couldn’t afford a big ceremony.
Let her face the fallout.” ProfileElectronic
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your partner didn’t mind having his parents’ names on the invitations and you not only acted out about it, you also LIED and were manipulative over the whole situation. Going as far as calling them “disgusting” invitations.
Nothing was disgusting about the traditional invitations as again, your partner didn’t mind, only you did. You seem to be very “it’s my way only” when spending other people’s funds. You have a couple of choices…pay your mother back every penny, correct the situation with the invites, or ignore your mom and end up with her potentially canceling everything or your family not attending.
I mean, all of this over invitations that your partner was okay with?” sheramom4
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