People Ask Us To Point Out Where They Messed Up In Their "Am I The Jerk" Stories
20. WIBTJ If I Don't Make My Son Give His Xbox Away?
“I (F30s) have a son Owen (M16).
Three years ago, my husband and I bought Owen an Xbox 1 for Christmas.
Owen has recently gotten bored of the games on his Xbox and hasn’t played them at all for the past 5 months. He has been talking about selling it and buying a Nintendo switch instead, he would pay the difference and buy games with his own money (Owen has a Saturday job).
Here’s the problem. Owen mentioned it in front of my younger brother Jason (M30s).
Now Jason has been messaging me, talking about how his son Alex (M13) would love to have an Xbox 1, and said that Owen should gift it to him. Jason and his wife aren’t doing too well financially and there’s no way they could afford to buy Alex an Xbox themselves.
I told Jason that would be very nice but said that Owen plans to sell the Xbox so that he can buy himself a Nintendo Switch. Jason said that I should make Owen gift it to his cousin instead.
I argued that it was Owen’s Xbox and that he can do what he wants with it.
Jason told me that I and my husband bought the Xbox so that’s not an excuse and that I’m just trying to avoid doing the right thing. He accused me of being selfish and ‘having a teenage attitude’ and said that I should make Owen give away his Xbox.
He went off about how I need to teach my son that life is about giving not just receiving and that I’d set a bad example I I didn’t.
I know I’m within my rights to just tell Jason to forget about it but I want to know if that would make me a jerk.
I haven’t talked about it to Owen yet because I don’t want him to feel pressured to feel a certain way about it.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You gave it to Owen. It’s his. He wants to get a Nintendo Switch and is willing to pay any difference.
That’s responsible. He’s not asking you or your husband to pay for it. Your brother is entitled. His son isn’t owed an Xbox just because your son has one he no longer wants and Jason can’t afford it. Your brother has no business telling you how to parent.
It sounds like your son has a job and understands buying things with his own money. Your brother is an opportunist.
Plus, if you force Owen to gift it to his cousin, that is telling him his possessions are up for grabs and aren’t really his.
It’s disrespectful to your son because it was a gift. If he wants to gift it that’s great, but if he doesn’t then forcing him will make him resent you, his cousin, and his uncle. He has a right to do what he wants with his belongings.
Do not give in to your brother’s demand. He’s being manipulative. If he can’t afford to get his son an Xbox that is not your problem. His son doesn’t need one.” ApolloScout13
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If it belongs to your son, he should be able to do what he wants with it.
You would be the jerk if you let your brother pressure you into taking it for free to gift it to his son. If he wants it for his son, he should have to pay your son for it. Find out what your son could sell it for and tell your brother he can have it for that price.
It’ll still be way less expensive than buying a new one.” MadHatter_1391
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s your job as a parent to protect your son from entitled people such as Jason. If you haven’t noticed, he’s trying to guilt you into making your son give away his Xbox – is this kind of thing you want to teach your son?
Bullying people into giving away their things? Stand your ground.
It’s one thing to teach your son to give, especially to those less fortunate. But it’s another to give away things for free because someone is demanding you to.” MissSynistar
19. AITJ For Moving Out Without Telling My Parents?
“I (23 F) have lived with my parents since the global crisis. I love them dearly but recently a lot of things have come to head.
My entire family is going on a cruise this Christmas and I was not invited to go. I asked my Dad and he told me it was to celebrate my brother graduating college and he only wanted my younger brothers to come. I accepted this as an answer.
After thinking about it I realized in the last 4 years I haven’t been invited to or attended any of my family’s vacations. I got into with my dad and things were said. Afterward, my mom told me she wants me to move out and that she was done with my behavior.
I have decided that I will move out while they are on the cruise and not tell anyone. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s understandable why you would want to move out without telling them or dealing with them again. They treat you like they don’t care about you — like they don’t want you around.
They also gaslight you when you try to talk about it. If you tell them, you either have to hear they don’t care, which hurts, or they’ll try to discourage you just out of their own embarrassment for being negligent parents. You don’t need either.
Plus, leaving without explanation is comparable to how they treat you. Leave, go no contact, and remember that their neglect is totally shameful & irrecoverable. If you treat them according to the way they actually are, that’s the best shot they have at getting themselves together, morally speaking.” shrootfarms
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but if you are purposely not saying anything and leaving while they’re gone in the hope that it’ll get their attention in some way try to let that go. Try to make that part of you that still wants their love and approval truly understand that it will not be forthcoming.
You need to start finding better people in the world and creating a chosen family with your child. It is hard but it is better than staying enmeshed in a family environment that will not fundamentally change. After you have been in no contact with your parents for a few years and understood what love and respect actually are you may be able to establish a decent relationship with siblings, depending on where they are at.
I’m sorry you are going through this.” StompyKitten
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Don’t tell them your new address, and I would recommend taking some distance. This is no way to treat a person, and I’m saying this as a recently turned 24 years old who always received that treatment from her parents.
You should move out and be happy and live your best life. I know people say ‘family is forever, family comes before anything’ but family is just people, you can meet more. Would you keep a ‘friend’ in your life that tells you you’re a problem and make their life worse?
If the answer is no (I hope it is) then why should that change for these people, just because they have the label of family? If you’re married, you chose your partner, you made a compromise there. But you didn’t choose your parents, you didn’t choose to be born, they chose that.
You don’t owe them a lifetime of suffering and self-hating just because they’re family. Family, like most things, only means something if you want it to.
I have moved out, I dance on the street sometimes from the sheer joy I feel of not being there anymore.
When people treat me kindly it makes me want to jump with happiness. You deserve to be surrounded by people you want to make happy and who make you happy.” pineapple_leaf
18. AITJ For "Acting Like A Spoiled Brat" To Get My Dream Car?
“I (17F) have my own car that my parents bought for me for my 16th birthday. It wasn’t a big surprise considering I was dragged to see all the cars and asked what I wanted.
The process of getting a car was absolutely horrendous. My parents looked at an online marketplace, but since my social media account had my real age on it, I wasn’t able to access it. They showed me cars, and I told them what I liked and didn’t like.
Frankly, I didn’t care what it was, I just cared about how it looked and whether it could run/wouldn’t need repairs. The problem was, they never listened to my opinions. They pushed to get a sunroof on my car, but I knew that would be a terrible idea because of my sensitive eyes to the sun.
They pushed to get a GPS into my car, but I’ve lived here my whole life and know where everything is. I didn’t want them to pay extra for the things they were pushing me to get that I don’t want/need.
They showed me this one car, a 2010 Volkswagen beetle.
I immediately liked it, I liked the color, and how it looked, had everything I wanted and needed. It ran perfectly and had better gas than I thought it would ($35 fills up my whole tank, even with today’s prices!). However, my dad didn’t like the price it was going for ($6,009).
I was livid. This was the one car I actually wanted, the one car that had everything.
We continued looking, and he took me to another Volkswagen Beetle, but it had a sunroof, GPS, horrid color, and a bunch of other stuff. I broke down into tears.
In front of the dealer, my whole family. I told him this is not what I wanted and I wished he’d listen to me. I refused to even bother with the car and that the other was absolutely perfect for me.
He took me back to the other dealer, bought it, and both my parents were complaining the WHOLE time.
They said things like ‘spoiled brat’ ‘this car is horrible’ and ‘can’t believe you don’t want a GPS’. After the drive home and parking my very first car, I was upset still. I almost didn’t want it anymore because of how much they talked about me.
Even today, they still talk about it and tell all our friends and family about what happened and the way I acted. Everyone thinks I’m a spoiled brat now.
It’s Thanksgiving, and he brought it up. It made me upset and I went into my room for a bit and now I’m here.
Honestly, I’m not sure if I did act like a spoiled brat. Maybe I should’ve gotten something else. AITJ?
EDIT: I wanna be clear that we had been looking for 3 months. I was NOT quiet about my opinions, but they kept texting me cars I didn’t want and would say no. Even after saying no, the next day we’re going to this stranger’s address to take a look.
It was frustrating, to keep saying ‘no this just doesn’t want I want’ and moving on for 3 whole months. I obviously wanted to be happy with my decision.
All these cars were between $4,000 and $10,000 (I believe we had roughly $50,000 to work with). A $20,000 corvette was offered to me, but sports cars simply weren’t my thing.
So no, my family is not poor, or even middle class. I know many families are not as fortunate as me, but that isn’t the problem here. The problem is my parents refused to listen to me and got mad at me when I expressed my feelings (this isn’t the first time either).
If they had listened to what I wanted, I wouldn’t have broken down.
Also, if you wanna talk about spoiled, my dad had 4 motorcycles, a mustang, and 2 corvettes, which my dad got the money from begging my mom. If I really am spoiled, then it is not my fault my parents raised me this way.
I can take no for an answer (in fact I have my own job now, pay for my own gas and insurance, take care of it, and even pay for damages and accessories).”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – your parents asked for your opinion on what kind of car you would like but didn’t listen.
They kept pushing things you didn’t want. You turned down a more expensive car for a cheaper one. You didn’t cry at the dealership to get what you wanted, you cried because you had had enough. Your parents constantly bringing this up to relatives and making you feel awful proves who the jerk is in this situation.
The present was for you and you were asked what you wanted. A $20,000 car was offered and you turned it down. You are not spoiled. Also, phones have GPS. I have a GPS in my car, but I use the one on my phone more.” Good-user-name2
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but this is a good moment to step back and take a look at the way you presented this info. Talking about being dragged to go shopping for a luxury gift screams ‘ingrate’, which I don’t think you are.
Your parents could have just bought you a car and gifted it to you.
It would have had whatever safety features they wanted and been as much or as little of a status symbol as they wanted it to be. Why go through the baroque pantomime of involving you in the decision-making if they were going to steamroll over you at every turn?
And then PUNISH you for the rest of the time because you made a decision, just not the one they wanted?
It doesn’t matter what the physical item was: your parents were jerks about this, and made it stressful to the point of you crying in a retail space.
Huge yikes.” doozer917
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I think it’s harder for people to wrap their heads around it cause the value of the gift is so big and thus you receiving anything is considered lucky and you are ungrateful for not just taking what is given.
I take it as like going out to eat, you want to eat just grilled chicken with plain white rice but your parents keep ignoring you and keep pointing out expensive seafood lobster or grilled chicken with noodles, when you told them that you just want grilled chicken, they tell you that you should just listen to them and get the seafood lobster.
In that situation what would you think? You have told them your preference, and you have told them no that you don’t want lobster. you actually don’t mind eating lobster or noddle or anything really, it’s just that they asked you what you want to eat, you told them what you want to eat and then they just ignore what you said.
The main frustration is not that you don’t get to eat the chicken, it’s the frustration that you are ignored and not listened to.” samanthayeoqy
17. AITJ For Accepting An IPad An A Christmas Present?
“Last year my grandma came into a bit of money after the passing of grandpa. She decided to use it to go all out on Christmas presents.
She got my cousins a ton of things on their wishlists, though I’m not entirely sure how much the total was for each kid.
I (25f) have been living with her because she’s older and needs help (and living in a rinky dinky apartment but I just signed the lease for a new apt and we’re moving into a new, much nicer one soon yay!) And because of that, we talk a lot.
When she originally asked what I wanted, I told her a sketchbook or a stephen king novel or something would be great.
However, I had started recently started saving up for an iPad. Not a super fancy one, just one of the newer basic models that were around $250 I believe.
My job at the time didn’t pays enough for me to buy it outright. We were talking about gifts and she offered to buy them for me. I told her if she wanted to contribute as my Xmas gift that would be great! She ended up buying it outright, saying it was her money and she could do what she wants with it.
Honestly, I was pretty excited so I wasn’t about to start arguing with her.
Well, my aunt (33f) found out. She started grilling me on how much it was, when she bought it, etc. I told her, and honestly, I should’ve kept my mouth shut because she then tells me, ‘I can’t believe she’d waste that money on you.’ And I dunno, that really hurt.
It kinda made me feel like I was taking advantage of my grandma, which I think she was implying.
So, AITJ for accepting the gift instead of insisting on something cheaper?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your aunt is way out of line – it’s not her money, and your grandma can spend her own money however she pleases.
And if she’s implying that you’re taking advantage of your grandma, YOU are the one that lives with her and takes care of her so your aunt is in no position to make that argument.” Stranger0nReddit
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Ok, you live with your grandma, just signed a lease to move with her into a better apartment, and your aunt is throwing an attitude cause you got gifted an iPad.
Wow. Take it and smile. And don’t tell anyone if grandma gifts you as much as a roll of toilet paper.” RevolutionaryCow7961
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As your grandma said: it’s her money and she can do what she wants with it. If she wants to buy you an iPad as a gift she can because it’s her money.
Maybe your aunt is jealous because her kids didn’t have items as expensive as an iPad on their wishlist.” Scared_Fox_1813
16. AITJ For Telling My Dad To Leave Me And My Sister Alone?
“My parents have been divorced for 6 years now. My dad moved to the other side of the country and we used to see him every summer. Until recently. My dad (m 51) married our stepmom (f 45) three years ago. Since that my sister (f 12) has been treated horribly over at my dad’s house.
My sister would get into constant fights with my stepsister and get blamed for most of the fights. Her experience was so bad out there that she would have panic attacks at night and I (m 16) would have to calm her down and put her to sleep.
Since her last visit, she told me that she is never going out there again and I understand why but I urged her to try and talk to our dad about this so she would not lose her relationship with him( they used to be really close).
So for the past 2 months, she has tried and called him to find a solution. Yesterday I saw her crying and tried my best to comfort her. She told me that our dad said that this is his family and she needs to accept it and stop causing problems.
After this, I called my dad to find out if that is what he said and it was word for word. at this point I just hung up the phone because I couldn’t talk to him anymore. Today I sent him a text explaining that I along with my sister would not come out this summer or any other summer for the time being and that he has chosen his new family and to stop texting me or my sister.
I got a text saying I’m being a jerk and that I’m choosing sides and my grandpa said I should try and talk it out with my dad but I’m sick of him at this point. So AITJ for telling my dad that he chose his new family?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You are children. He is the parent. He should be making sure the relationship is good and should listen to the issues you have to try and find a resolution.
My guess is that he takes his new wife’s side over yours and your sister’s, which is why the stepsis never gets reprimanded. And that’s messed up.
You are allowed to set boundaries and to decide if the relationship with your father is damaging. If that is what you and your sister want right now, there is nothing wrong with that.
Good luck, OP. I hope things change, but if not don’t take the burden of parenting onto yourself.” remembrandy
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your dad is the one who made his choice, not you. He should be protecting you and your sister but instead, he is defending his new family. A home is where you feel safe. His home is not your home and never will be.
You and your sister have each other. Your sister is very lucky to have you. And I am sorry that this burden has fallen on your shoulders. None of what has happened is your or your sister’s doing. Neither of you deserves to be treated so shabbily.
Maybe someday, your dad will wake up and realize what he has done. Until then, know that you are doing the right thing, for both your sakes.” Icy_Curmudgeon
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Adults should stop telling kids to take the lead and talk it out.
How about parents, with their many extra years of handling conflict find a way to talk it out? How about grandpas talk some sense into their children? Dad doesn’t even realize what he said: this is his family, and apparently your sister is not. But if you were older, you would be the jerk for telling her to keep talking to him because they used to be so close.
Since you are so young, you don’t have experience with this so you get a pass. Better is to ask her what she wants to do, then listen to her and tell her you will support her in whatever decision she makes. Otherwise, you are just another person that makes her question herself and doesn’t let her choose for herself.
Remind her that she doesn’t have to make one decision for all of the time today, that she can decide today to go no contact, tomorrow to go low contact, the day after to be in full contact, and then go back to no contact at any time.” Parasamgate
15. AITJ For Not Giving My Nephew A Nice Gift Like His Cousins'?
“Every Christmas my husband (C) and I get gifts for all the kids in the family.
C is a stay-at-home dad with no income. We are financially comfortable, not rich because I am a college graduate. C and his family are minority immigrants who mostly work labor jobs. This year while holiday shopping there were six kids totals we needed to buy for.
The gift we bought for D (19) was above $100. We spend the most on him because we got custody of him at 15 and raised him. D will also buy gifts for C, our child, and me, around $40 each. There is a sibling group of kids J (10), A (6), and M (2) who I bought gifts for.
The gifts are all around $30-$35 each. Their parents are both hardworking and always buy our daughter gifts for Christmas. There is an only child U (6) who we spent $45 on because his parents buy us gifts as well and we will be buying his parents around $50 each.
This brings us to L (12). L and his family immigrated here to the U.S. a few months ago. L does not have an easy life as he doesn’t speak English and shares 1 bedroom with both his parents. L’s mom does not work so his dad works overtime but they are hardly making it.
While shopping I picked out a really cheap, $15 Lego set for L. I did not want to get him nothing because that seems cruel. I know his parents do not have money to give gifts back so I didn’t plan to spend more. My husband wanted to add another few gifts to L’s gift so that we’re spending around the same amount on each kid.
I told him I would rather not because L’s parents can’t reciprocate it. My husband tells me we can afford more and L has already had a ‘tough year.’ He says the extra $30 for a better gift would just be wasted on fast food.
He says L would see his cousin’s gifts and know that they’re better gifts.
I told my husband that L’s mom should get a job and give him a nice Christmas than like J, A, and M’s family. I also reminded him how I will be paying for and cooking food for the Christmas party everyone will be attending and L and his family probably won’t bring anything because they can not afford to.
C looked hurt as if I was insinuating L did not deserve a nice Christmas because his parents are poor. Every kid deserves a nice Christmas, I just do not think it’s necessary to spend as much as the people who will actually be giving us gifts.
C tells me I don’t know what it’s like to be a poor immigrant and have people treat you the way I’m treating L. C was not angry but looked hurt. I know C was brought to the U.S. as a child too and had a similar life to L.
For the sake of peace, I bought the extra gifts for L, so a total of around $35 for him. C still won’t talk to me and I can’t understand why. I spent the extra money, and obviously don’t expect anything else in return.
AITJ?
Update/ More context: Firstly, maybe I was the jerk and that you all are right and Christmas time is about giving not receiving.
Also, since L’s parents have arrived in the U.S. I have been financially helping them (the whole family is).
I’ve given them money for groceries and other miscellaneous things. They are undocumented so they don’t qualify for any assistance. I have also taken L out to eat and brought takeout to their house and had lunch with them a few times.
Every year before L and his family arrived we (J, A, M, and U’s parents) discussed how much we will spend on each other.
The gift exchange is for those wanting to participate. We usually set around a $50 limit per person. So I was staying within that limit like I do every year and just wasn’t sure what to do about L and his family. I do not think they will be gift-exchanging with the 3 other families ( Mine, U, and J, A, and M’s) since they can not afford to.
I will talk to the other families to see what the plan is for L and his family. I was buying the $15 gift so he doesn’t feel left out. Since it’s a family ‘gift exchange’ I’m not sure how much they’ll spend on L since his parents won’t be exchanging.
The other families will probably buy L a gift though because family is important to their culture.
Also as pointed out maybe, yes, I am frustrated that L’s mother does not work. L is old enough to stay home for a few hours if both parents were at work.
My husband does not work and U’s mother doesn’t work because my job pays well and U’s father owns a business. I feel frustrated for L that he lives the way he lives but yet only one parent is working. Yes, L’s parents are undocumented, as was asked, but we live in a metropolis where she wouldn’t have a problem getting a job.
If L’s mother was to work then we could include her family in the gift exchange and this fight wouldn’t have happened to begin with. Yes, it sounds elitist to ‘just work’ but life isn’t easy and plenty of Americans wake up and go to work even when they don’t feel like it every day.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You’re doubling down on principle without purpose. I don’t necessarily believe in having to spend the same amount as young kids often don’t know the financial value of things but if the gifts are obviously disproportionate the only thing you’re going to accomplish is singling out or disappointing the kid.
If you can afford it then you’re being stingy for no reason and honestly, the fact that you keep bringing up the immigrant thing kinda signals that your issue isn’t actually financial at all.” User
Another User Comments:
“YTJ all the way.
Not only is it incredibly ignorant of the whole spirit of the holiday to be expecting gifts back from people and using that to calculate how much to spend on them, but you’re essentially punishing this kid because his parents won’t be buying you anything.
News flash: kids don’t pick the family/financial situation they are BORN into. To treat this kid differently because of that is such an awful move and shows some serious classist behavior on your part. No wonder your partner is upset.” Merlin_222_
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
L’s mom being a stay-at-home mom isn’t your business (no matter how you feel about it).
Newly immigrated means they are trying to adjust to their new circumstances.
Your husband is disappointed that you don’t have empathy toward a struggling family.
He now sees his judgmental you are being and how you keep score rather than being in the spirit of the Holidays. ‘It is better to give than receive.’
You may need to have to reevaluate your stance and then apologize to your husband for being so cold towards L and his family (if you realized that you were wrong).
Otherwise, you bought the gifts to keep the peace (with Hubby) rather than doing it because you think it’s the right thing to do. Your intent here matters.
You’re husband is a great PERSON.” Ok_Professional_4499
14. AITJ For Not Praying With My Sister?
“My sister held Thanksgiving at her place last night. I am an atheist and she is a Christian.
She is aware of how I feel because I’ve declined to attend church in the past.
She said she wanted everyone to say grace before the food was served. She asked me to lead the prayer. I said that I thought that it would be better if she did it, because she was the hostess, and she looked very embarrassed. I could have said that it is because I felt uncomfortable, but I didn’t want to offend anyone who is religious.
During the prayer, I sat there quietly, while everyone else joined hands. The family went around the table saying what they were grateful for. I said I was grateful we could all get together as a family. When it was her turn, sister listed many things she was grateful for and looked at me disapprovingly, as if I wasn’t putting enough effort into praying.
She then asked everyone to sing a religious song. I sat there quietly while they sang, then we all ate.
My sister didn’t say anything, but she was cold to me the rest of the night and when we went to bed, someone had put a Bible on the pillow that I don’t remember being there before.
Was I a jerk for embarrassing my sister for not praying with her?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It may be good to speak with your sister about her behavior in private. You might ask her to decide what’s more important to her: saving your soul or judging you for your unbelief.
She can pray for your soul, but her aggressive attempt to convert you is backfiring. Since she is a devout Christian, she should trust in God. Her actions are going to harden your heart. That would be a jujitsu way to call her out on her real behavior.
Jesus didn’t win followers by handing out scrolls of the Torah or tut-tutting the sinners.” dj1nni1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but your sister certainly is for using a family holiday to try and force you into her religion’s rituals. Tell her that as an atheist it would feel the height of hypocrisy to participate and that while you are happy to say what you are thankful for, and you are happy to remain respectfully silent while she performs her religious customs, she needs to stop trying to pull you into them, particularly with no warning and in front of the rest of the people there.” User
Another User Comments:
“You are NTJ.
She knows you are an atheist. Now, normally I’d be saying something about pushing those views onto your religious family, but it looks like just the opposite took place. She put you on the spot. She has nobody to blame for her embarrassment for her.
That being said, she’s family, so you should talk to her in private and explain that you respect her beliefs, that’s why you’re willing to keep your mouth shut out of respect while those who DO believe go through the ritual of ‘saying grace’ before the meal. If she doesn’t want to be embarrassed, she needs to stop trying to put you on the spot.
ESPECIALLY if she is wanting to bring you back into the faith. As a Christian myself, she’s making the rest of us look bad. What she did was rude to the max, and you should tell her the next time she puts you on the spot like that you’ll start preaching atheism.
If she can’t respect your boundaries why should you respect hers?” a_man_in_black
13. AITJ For Asking My Husband How Much He Has Saved?
“I (33f) have been married to my husband (35m) for a little over a year.
We came from very different financial situations. I’ve never had any debt and have support from my family while he, an immigrant, came here on a student visa and ended up with a lot of credit card and student loan debt. These were being charged at very high percentages and so I decided to help him out with a low-interest loan from one of my accounts (through a bank).
Privileged, I know.
Anyway. The loan was supposed to be for 5 years but somehow the terms were set to 3 years. My husband is supposed to be setting aside money a month to pay the loan at the close date (cannot pay monthly). Last night I, albeit at a bad time, got frustrated that he was talking about spending money on things we don’t need and expensive things for his family members’ gifts.
I asked him about this and how much he had saved toward the loan. He got upset, told me it isn’t any of my business, and accused me of ruining his night. I know it’s a sensitive topic but as the loaner, I do think I have a right to ask.
He ended up telling me that he saved as much as he could and that he was counting on what I had previously mentioned of taking out an additional loan at the end of the first loan term to cover what he couldn’t save.
Here is what worried me.
I felt like he was living off this money with the plan to just continue rolling over the debt, nearly in full. He’s been buying me some expensive gifts and pays a larger portion of the rent, but I am starting to feel like that’s me buying things for myself on loan.
We’re now in a fight and he has said no more paying a higher portion of the rent and no more nice gifts but he’ll return the money at term and no longer count on my support. I feel manipulated and hurt. He feels betrayed and angry.
AITJ?
Edit – We have a prenup. This loan is in there. It’s an official loan from a bank against my securities. Not my terms. He claims my advisor messed up and put him on 3 years instead of 5.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
This is sadly a pretty common situation when people with no financial education get married.
He’s so used to being poor that he now wants to overcompensate by pretending to be a millionaire and flaunt his wealth. He’s desperately trying to pretend to be someone he’s not.
People like this only think short-term. He knows nothing about savings, investments, etc.
There’s a reason banks want to charge him insane interest rates: because he can’t be trusted with money.
You can be trusted. That’s why banks are giving you a better deal. But if you keep bailing him out, you’re going to get pulled down to his level.
Next time, no more loans. No helping him out financially. If he has to eat 2-minute noodles and catch a bus to work, so be it. He needs to learn some humility.” ThisSiteIsTrash69
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but you’re never going to see that money again.
This comes as kind of a shock to the rest of us, but there are people who feel absolutely no shame in leeching off of anyone who will allow them to do so. They don’t do it out of desperation or because they have no other choice, it’s literally their strategy in life.
You seem to have married one of them. The loan may be in the prenup but it doesn’t really matter if he doesn’t have the money when the terms of the loan are up. Can’t get b***d from a stone unless he has some asset that the prenup would force him to sell in the event of a divorce.
Good luck sister. Don’t take out any more loans or fund anything else for him besides your portion of joint household bills.” lostvalkyrie
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but you need him to start paying you weekly/fortnightly/monthly. Trust me he will not have any money saved up at the end of the term.
You are correct, it is in fact your money paying for your gifts. Please, get him to start paying you NOW. You can keep it in your account if you can’t pay it towards the loan. And do not let him take another loan (I’m assuming it would be in your name again) to pay off the first one, NO WAY.
If he feels betrayed & angry, that only means he has been using you and he is angry you’re starting to see it. Please don’t let him.” CosmicConnection8448
12. AITJ For Leaving Thanksgiving Dinner When There Was No Food Left?
“So, I (31m) live in a state with no family, nor do I have the money to fly to the other side of the country. So my friends invited me to Thanksgiving dinner.
I know most of my friend’s family, so it wasn’t like I didn’t know anyone. Well, my friend asked me to pitch in and bring a side and a dessert, no problem. Low on money, I spent my dinner money from last night on dessert today.
Starving myself for a feast today.
So I spend the day with my friends, helping and preparing for Thanksgiving since 8 am. By 5 pm, the food was done. And my friend asked me if I would like to go walk to buy some smoke with her to have some before eating.
So we head out on a 40 min mission. While we were gone, my friend’s mother and stepfather, and three brothers show up, after my friend’s spouse told them we were having a small dinner due to the budget.
So they show up while we’re gone and demolish the entire dinner before I and my friend gets back with the smoke.
Luckily for my friend, their spouse was able to save them a plate. But I, unfortunately, didn’t get one. So, starving, aggravated, and a tad bit hurt. I pack the belongings and left without really saying goodbye. Upon getting home, I checked my phone to see my friends (others that were there, not the one I left with) saying it was a jerk move to leave.
Saying I could’ve stayed and played games with them (dominos) while drinking. But who wants to drink while starving? Like it’s been over 24 hours since I last ate, I don’t want to get wasted.
Am I the jerk?
Edit: So I didn’t make it clear enough.
The host had asked me to walk with them for company, she didn’t want to go get her smoke alone. And being the friend I am, I agreed because it was that or play Pokemon.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You specified that you went with your friend who was hosting the event, after being asked by her to join.
It sounds like the friend in question is a young woman who very reasonably doesn’t want to walk to pick up smoke by herself. It was rude for the people there to eat without the host present at all. It also says you provided a dessert, and they also should’ve never eaten when people who contributed to the dinner aren’t present.
It’s pretty condescending and extreme to call it ‘illegal substances’ when OP specified it was just smoke. Also to the people telling OP to check his priorities, I respect him for accompanying his friend who was going out alone.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your host friend sucks, your host friend’s husband sucks, and your friends that were there suck.
Any one of those jerk friends of yours still at the house could have saved you a plate knowing you were getting stuff for them to partake in I’m sure.
The husband who was co-hosting knew you worked all day on the meal and contributed should have saved you a plate.
And finally, the host who asked you to go with her right after dinner should have shared her saved plate with you since it’s her fault as a crappy host and friend caused you to miss dinner because of her untimely ask and her crappy, inconsiderate family.
You need better friends.” TripppingRoses
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It is incredibly rude in my eyes to invite someone round for a meal, then eat it while they are on an errand – surely the hosts should be aware of their guests, and if one is missing when they want to eat, at least save them something.
Absolute worst case, at least offer them a sandwich or something…
And if there was truly no food left for you, leaving seems the right answer to me – it will be miserable sitting for the entire evening starving while everyone else is happy, so it is in your best interests to head off and go somewhere you can get a meal.
Is it rude to leave a gathering you had agreed to attend? Under normal circumstances yes, under these circumstances, absolutely not.” nrsys
11. AITJ For Not Texting Anyone About The Wine?
“My partner invited me to have Thanksgiving with her family and this morning there were still a lot of last-minute preparations.
My partner’s mom gave my partner’s sister ‘Marge’ a list of items, including booze, to go get. Marge asked me to drive her to the store. I asked my partner if she needed my help with anything at the house. She said, ‘no, go supervise Marge.’ I thought nothing of her phrasing at the time, but apparently, it was significant.
At the store, Marge asked me to get several items to save time, but she never actually handed me the list. She just said stuff like ‘can you grab napkins?’ When we were leaving I asked if she wanted me to pay for anything, but she said no. When we got back my partner and Marge got in a huge fight about Marge getting the wrong items, specifically her not getting my partner’s favorite wine, which was on the list, and instead getting a different wine that wasn’t.
My partner was also mad at me for not supervising like she told me to. She asked why I didn’t make sure Marge got everything on the list. I didn’t really feel it was my place to manage Marge like that. I never even saw the list, so it’s not like I could have just gone and gotten the wine myself, because I had no clue the list wasn’t being adhered to.
My partner said I should have texted her when I realized we hadn’t gotten her favorite wine. I didn’t really notice. For all, I knew they had a bottle at the house.
My partner thinks I was being cheap and lazy, but I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect me to know that Marge would go off the list. Also, it’s just wine.
The wine served with dinner was fine. Is it really that big a deal?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, Marge is an adult. If your partner didn’t trust Marge, she shouldn’t have tried to put responsibilities into her hand.
It is not your responsibility to not just monitor another adult.
Like not only would that be the actions of a jerk, it’s unreasonable for your partner to ask it of you.” JCBashBash
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, your partner and her sister sound like a bunch of selfish people, getting their favorite brands of items when picking up groceries for the family without consideration of other people’s preferences.
And you sound oblivious to your partner’s preferred brands. You’re probably the kind of person who doesn’t see a difference between Coca-Cola and Pepsi. Not your fault, but it’s definitely a sucky situation.” WhiteJadedButterfly
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
If they know Marge is unreliable, they should have given the list, or at least a copy of it, to OP.
And they should have been clear to him that Marge isn’t always reliable and could he please check that they got everything on the list?
OP should’ve been given a clear ‘heads up’ rather than a simple ‘supervise Marge’ comment.
I would have thought it was a joke too.” DoYouHaveAnyIdea16
10. AITJ For Not Letting My Mother Be Part Of My Fundraising?
“I’m a 22-year-old woman with cancer. I won’t go into specifics to stay anonymous, but this is the 2nd time I’ve been diagnosed with Bone Cancer. Before I was treated outpatient and this time I’m an inpatient in the hospital for a full week with 24-hour chemo.
It’s debilitating, to say the least. My family doesn’t come from wealth and we barely have been above the surface even before I was diagnosed. For the first treatment, we set up a gofundme and fundraisers to help pay for my treatments and surgery.
My mother said at the beginning of all this that I would never have to worry about finances.
I was grateful but knew deep down I would worry anyway. And sure enough, I did. But not about the financials, but about her.
Following my surgery, my mother finally (about 6 months into diagnosis) formed a gofundme, asking for an outrageous amount (I think $100,000) My surgery was well over $250,000, but was thankfully covered by insurance.
However, we did have bills still that we had paid through another fundraising.
I asked my mom how much we owed from surgery(prior to calling billing and asking for the itemized statement). My mother said that we still owed over $50,000 and she had to take money from her retirement to cover it.
I actually felt guilty for getting cancer and surviving such a lengthy surgery. My mother said the gofundme would be used for my medical bills but also to pay her back for the retirement money. I later found out that insurance did cover everything and that we didn’t owe/pay anything from my 15-hr limb salvage surgery.
I was furious.
After finishing chemo in April, I went back to work to pay off my medical bills and hopefully return to normal life. My mother didn’t help with the financial part at all, most of my bills were close to collections and I ended up having to go into credit card debt to save my credit score from medical collections.
Unfortunately, only after 6 months of remission, cancer came back. I would be going back to chemo and amputating the leg that the cancer was in.
I’ve been honest, telling my mother I wanted her to have no part in the financial aspect.
She’s threatened to sue and remove me from her insurance.
I’ve even tried compromising with her saying we could both be on the charitable account, gofundme, and any other sites used, of course with my direct supervision and joint ownership. But she’s still upset and won’t budge.
I’m tempted to take my recovery time between chemo to create an account at a financial institution myself, start a gofundme without her, and start a Venmo as well.
I know that will make her very upset though and I don’t have the capabilities to handle her that way. Thoughts?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She should be supporting you, not using your cancer as an opportunity to capitalize. What is she going to sue you for?
Given the sketchiness of her actions, I doubt she would really want to go down that road.
You have every right to set that boundary and take the steps you are taking to enforce it. Your peace is most important right now. If she gets upset, it’s because she is losing control and the ability to capitalize on your health.
That’s it. Keep doing what you need to do for yourself.” CheekyBrunettexo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m not sure if I read this right, but she started a GoFundMe when most of the part she was talking about was already covered. Then you had to sort out financially the rest of the bits.
Now she is threatening to sue her own daughter with a cancer diagnosis and take them off medical insurance (wwhhaaaat) if she can’t be involved again. I’m so sorry that is insane… I’m sorry about what you’re going through and wishing you the best in your treatment.
It’s obviously been tough news for your mother too but literally blackmailing you with something that’s life/death is just cruel. Sorry, but your mum is the jerk here. Hopefully, she will calm down and see sense soon when she can think more logically.
I’m so sorry that you have a healthcare system where you have finances to worry about on top of all the stresses of having a life-changing condition.
Hopefully, you get a GoFundMe sorted soon in whatever format to help ease that burden. All the best.” Prestigious_Fan_2094
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, talk to a social worker at the hospital about the issue. It may not be legal for your mom to remove you as a dependant with such pending medical procedures.
Don’t make waves with your mom until after the surgery.
Then get in touch with a lawyer and demand every cent your mom has raised in your name and if she wants to deduct out-of-pocket expenses for medical bills, she needs to give you an itemized bill of the same.
If that doesn’t pan out, then talk to Gofundme and report your mom for the fraud.
While I would normally tell you that it’s perfectly logical and above the board to use any excess charitable donated money for the cost of living expenses after a series of procedures related to cancer.
This includes putting it in savings in case there are further complications. However, it sounds like your mom has no intention to give you a cent of the money.” W_O_M_B_A_T
9. AITJ For Asking My Extended Family To Avoid Certain Gifts?
“Every year, my extended family and my close family exchange gifts. It’s a fairly large group, so we end up coming home each year with a wide variety of items we don’t need or want.
A good example is knives. I own nice Japanese and German cooking knives, but every year without fail I get a 15-dollar ‘Damascus steel’ knife or two from Walmart because ‘you love cooking.’ This year I sent this message to the family holiday group chat:
‘Hey everyone I’d like to start by thanking everyone of all your yearly generosity, we appreciate you. This year, I’d like to ask that a few gifts be avoided, as we’re running out of space for them: Mugs, knives, and other kitchen items; Gadgets like Bluetooth speakers (we have many) and headphones; Large children’s gifts like kitchen sets, easels, or indoor tents/forts.
We simply don’t have the room.
Conversely, we’d love gifts like scarves, food items, books, games to enjoy as a family, small toys for the kids, socks, and gift cards (we won’t be offended). Something homemade, or even just skip the gift, you’re more than enough.
Thanks!’
Well, the older generation DID NOT take well to this. They felt it was personal and arrogant. I was accused of ‘showing off’ by asking for books. My dad told me if I made the amount of money I should be making I’d have a bigger house and room for everything.
Someone said if I don’t have room for a gift the polite thing to do is pass it on or throw it out. Basically, I’m an ungrateful greedy piece of work for daring to make requests.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, also what is wrong with your family?
Asking for books is ‘arrogant’? ALSO also re-gifting or throwing away said gifts would start WW3 but also tells me that relative routinely does that rather than actually asking for what they want.
Your father is also a real piece of work and even if you had a bigger home I get the feeling you still wouldn’t want it cluttered up with things you don’t use.
But yeah real nice of him to throw out that not-so-subtle dig that he thinks you’re a failure on the monetary end.
Neither greedy (you asked for things that are still well within the price range of previous gifts AND you said no gift is fine), nor ungrateful.
I really hate how people act like reasonable requests are the greatest of insults.” LhadyLoki
Another User Comments:
“‘Showing off by asking for books’ wow, that says it all really. ‘Ooh get you and your ability to read’. Also, love the fact that the ‘polite’ thing to do is let them waste their money on stuff you are just going throw away.
How wonderful for the environment.
They sound like hard work and as though they will now either buy you stuff you don’t want out of spite or not buy you anything at all. You tried, if they do it going forward keep the packaging and take it to a charity shop (or goodwill… whichever it is called where you are)
NTJ” Tetslou
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I think what you said was exceptionally polite. I always add in an ‘a donation to X charity that I support in my name would be wonderful too.’ You’re asking people to not waste their money on you.
Honestly, it would be a ‘no jerks here’ until your last paragraph. It’s annoying to receive a gift that either you detest or is just a low-quality version of something you already have, especially as an adult. Sometimes it feels like ‘I’m giving you the gift of chores because you’ll need to make an extra trip to the trash bin.’ Especially with things like cooking supplies or electronics, where it takes experience and knowledge to separate low budget from low quality.
At the same time, it’s hard to buy gifts when you only know a couple of things about a person and want to be civil but don’t want to break the bank either. And that’s before including the sheer volume of gifts your family expects to trade.
Gifts are just a challenge in general.
Then your father tries to attack your lifestyle by saying ‘hey, stop being fancy and buy a bigger house to store all the crap we give you.’ That is a patently ridiculous thing to expect from ‘anyone,’ even ignoring that he literally told you to throw away things you don’t want.
He seems like just a treat.” User
8. AITJ For Telling My Dad To Stop Being A Weirdo?
“My (17F) parents are divorced and married to different people. I have an older brother (20M) and a twin brother (17M). I have other siblings, but these are the only ones I share both parents with. My dad has four children with his wife and my mom has a daughter with her husband.
Recently, my twin came out as gay. My older brother is bi and he’s been in a relationship with a man for the past year. Our dad (48M) who’s claiming that he isn’t homophobic, has taken the news of my twin coming out strangely.
I’ve always said I didn’t want to have kids.
Yes, I know I’m 17 and my opinion might change but right now, the whole idea just seems scary to me. My mother went through a lot with miscarriages and I think I’m traumatized.
Since my twin came out, my dad has really been pressing the idea of children on to me.
He’s been asking me to babysit my siblings so I can see that kids ‘aren’t that bad’ and he’s been giving me long lectures on why having kids is good and important. He’s insisting that this isn’t because my twin came out but it’s obvious that it is.
He also set me up on a date with his friends’ son that went awful and when I got home, I confronted him about his weird behavior. That’s where he admitted that he’s worried about not having any grandchildren from his first marriage. I told him that was totally weird and absurd, mainly because why does it matter which marriage your grandchildren are coming from, and he has this weird thing about wanting my mother to stay in his life even though he was unfaithful to her.
We got into an argument and I said it was even weirder he was trying to press this on me while I’m a teenager and his excuse was that people in our family tend to have children at a young age which is true. I ended up leaving to go stay with my mom but I called him a weirdo and told him to leave me alone about all this before I left.
Later on, my stepmother called me and demanded that I apologize to him. According to her, I’ve made him feel like a creep for being worried about something that a lot of people are naturally worried about. Now I feel bad and I want to know if I AITJ.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He IS being a weirdo. He doesn’t get to demand kids from anyone of his kids. His wife needs to butt out. Do not apologize because you DIDN’T do anything wrong. The fact that you mentioned still wanting to keep your mother in the picture after having an affair on her makes me think he’s long wanted to have people tap dance to his demands.
You’re an individual and what you want now needs to be respected. Yes, you might change your mind but that’s for you to decide, not to be strong-armed into doing something that has lifelong consequences.
Tell your dad to quit with the guilt-tripping and manipulation.
If he doesn’t, do not visit, go low contact.
Good luck.” benfranklin-katniss
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Forget being weirdly obsessive about having grandchildren from the children of his first marriage – he’s not entitled to grandchildren at all! It is entirely the choice of each of his children whether or not they reproduce.
He was being weird and pushy and it’s perfectly reasonable of you to have called him out on it and told him that he needs to stop. He can be worried about this all he wants to be, as long as he keeps it to himself – which he’s not doing here.
His behavior is what’s inappropriate, and as far as that goes, he owes you the apology.
If having a relationship with your Dad is important to you, I encourage you to take some time to gather your thoughts and then sit down with him, or write him a letter if you’re not comfortable doing that, where you let him know uncomfortable he’s making you and specifically point out that he’s pushing his actual living child who exists right now away with this obsession about the potential for future grandchildren.” JessStarlite
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He shouldn’t be putting pressure on you like this, especially over something that’s a very life-changing decision, and ESPECIALLY because this is entirely about his wants and not yours. You don’t have to want children. You’re completely valid in calling him out on this behavior and if anyone owes an apology, it’s him to you.
If you value having a relationship with your dad, it might be helpful for you to gather your thoughts and express things similarly to how you have on here. He may be more receptive to that. If he’s not, that’s entirely not your fault at all because, again, he’s pushing his wants onto you in a very big way and that’s not your responsibility.” CheekyBrunettexo
7. AITJ For Not Returning Jewelry?
“I (24) have been hit on multiple times by Ross (fake name, 27) to the point where it has gotten quite uncomfortable.
Ross was very inappropriate in the jokes/way he talked but I didn’t stop him so that’s on me, however after a week of telling him I’m not interested and him still going, I started to get annoyed
He wouldn’t even take a ‘no’ seriously.
He’d only reply with ‘I’ll take that as a maybe for now.’ Which was honestly frustrating.
Lately, he started calming down and I thought he realized how overbearing he’s been, so we kept being friends and all, casual talk. He started giving me rings and necklaces and other gifts and I thought he was just trying to make up for being a creep.
Well, fast forward to yesterday. He texted me again if I’m willing to give going out with him a shot, and that he thinks we have a real bond worth trying – I replied again with no, and that I thought by now he learned that it’s not gonna happen.
He got upset and said I had no problem ‘letting it happen’ when I was getting gifts and how shallow I was.
I told him I thought the jewelry was a gift as a friend, not bribery to start going out with him. And he said he wouldn’t bribe me, but he wants them back because clearly, I don’t appreciate them.
I refused to say that if he wouldn’t bribe me, they’re still a gift and he’s got no right to demand them back.
I’d honestly have no problem returning them (haven’t worn them once after the first time, not my style) if he didn’t expect me to date him when he gave them in the first place.
Should I return the jewelry? AITJ?
Additional info — When he gave me each piece, I repeatedly told him I don’t want it and he insisted I’d take it, so I’m more held back on giving it back because it just feels… wrong? I don’t know how to describe it – he insisted I take it and now that I refuse to date him, it’s like I’m the one who insisted that he gives it to me.
Maybe I’m overreacting
I really didn’t know what his intentions were. I failed to mention this but I’m on the spectrum, I genuinely have trouble reading people’s intentions and motives, I’m not doing it to be all ‘shy and quirky’ or ‘lead him on’ — this isn’t to excuse anything, just to clarify I’ve had and have trouble with reading emotions.
UPDATE – I decided to send them back through a mutual friend, along with a note saying how whatever ‘relationship’ we’ve had ends with him getting the package and that if he keeps trying to make contact with me, I’ll file a report for harassment.
I’ve been told by the mutual friend he was backtalking me, saying how I basically tried to steal from him and now threatening with police. Whatever he can cry for months for all I care.
Some ‘friends’ are talking about how we could’ve been a cute couple, and it’s annoying – but my really close friends are on my side and I’m grateful for that.
I hope that’s the last I ever hear of him.”
Another User Comments:
“Even though you are within your rights to keep gifts that were freely given to you, it would be better to give back every single thing he’s ever given you, and then stop all contact with him.
His words and actions indicate he thinks in a really screwed-up way, where every interaction with you is transactional. Where he believes every inappropriate thing he said to you should have flattered and pleased you. He thinks your accepting his gifts was an expression of your interest in having a relationship with him.
And when you refused to date him, his response was that you lied to him. Or used him.
If you cannot stop all contact like you have to encounter him at school or work, limit your interaction to brief, impersonal nods or hellos.
Don’t tell him anything about yourself, or ask any questions of him.
He sees that as you having an interest in him.
NTJ. Be careful around him.” NoxWild
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Return the jewelry. Give him zero excuses to continue to believe there is anything he needs to converse with you about. It’s not about whether it was a gift or not.
It’s about the meaning he associates with it. By keeping it you are helping keep up the pretense there is some sort of hope no matter how direct you have been about no. And I mean this from his perspective not reality.
With a guy like this, you have to sever all contact or it may escalate.” Special-Parsnip9057
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Ross is the jerk. Give the dude his jewelry back in a public place and then block his number. The guy is bad news. Ghost him and let’s hope he’s just a garden-variety jerk and not a stalker. Now you have learned why it is a bad idea to accept gifts from jerks.” dj1nni1
6. AITJ For Telling My Dad To Spend His Money On His Real Family?
“When I (22M) was 15, we found out that my dad (42M) had been having an affair with a man, this was a surprise since my dad was the most homophobic jerk you could’ve met, he left my mom and divorced her because ‘he wanted to be authentic to himself’, it was a really hard time for me and my siblings (15M, 13M ages today), remember I grew up with this homophobic background installed in my head by my own father so I was disgusted, he tried to apologize but I said hurtful things to him, I even told him that he was dead to me because I was embarrassed to have a gay father, I deeply regret those things now especially since I’m bi and have a male partner.
You could tell my dad was deeply hurt by what I said.
He ended up moving out of the country with his lover (To Germany, his affair partner’s native land) and we barely talked after that, he invited my siblings to spend Christmas with him but never me, he sent them plane tickets to go but I was ignored, I kind of understood since we had a huge argument before he left so I let it go, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t hurt since I was being ignored by my own father.
Last year (for Christmas) He posted a photo of him, his affair partner, my siblings, and a child they have, under the caption: ‘My family is complete, no missing piece’ that really hurt.
We had been in no contact this whole time until a couple of weeks ago when he called me telling me that he wanted us to reconcile so he thought it’d be a great idea if I could come (to his house, in Europe) for Xmas to talk about our relationship, he also offered to pay for my partner’s ticket, so I didn’t feel alone and vulnerable but I told him he should keep that money to spend it on his real family since he made it clear last year on his post that I wasn’t part of that family, he called me a jerk for treating him like that knowing that I hurt him first. Yes, I know that while he was trying to apologize and make me understand the situation I said many nasty and insulting homophobic things but I was a literal child dealing with the divorce and a parent coming out plus I was homophobic because that’s the way I was raised and he was the adult and the ‘No missing piece’ was the cherry on top.
My grandma says that I should understand that this is perhaps the first time he feels safe to invite me and not be insulted (he just found out I have a male partner), she says I was too rude to say ‘Your real family’.
I’m so conflicted about this, I need some unbiased point of view.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You were a child whose home was being broken apart.
He was the adult, and it was his job to be the bigger person and he didn’t do that. He still didn’t do that now, instead posting that picture with that caption.
That was intentionally hurtful, and I’m not buying his saying anything otherwise.
Your father being gay didn’t make him a bad person.
Your father having an affair made your father a bad person.
Your father inviting your siblings and not even extending an olive branch made your father a bad person.
Your father posting a photo with him, his affair partner, their child, and your siblings with the caption he wrote made your father a bad person.
You don’t need toxic people in your life, why add him back?” dublos
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You were a jerk for what you said years ago but you were also a child dealing with the emotional turmoil of a divorce.
Holding that over your head for years is the real jerk thing here. Your father could’ve invited you years ago but didn’t because he didn’t want to deal with it. You’re one of his children too and he’s neglected you all this time.
It’s entirely up to you whether you continue going with no contact.
Honestly, though, I suggest giving him a piece of your mind before you decide though. Tell him how he’s really hurt you all these years and let him stew in it. If you get no sympathy/empathy from this man then you’re better off without him.” Cynical_Feline
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
But I have to ask you, what do you want more? Do you want to be ‘right’ and justified in your anger and have no relationship with your father? Or would you like to build a relationship with him and move forward and reach a point where you can forgive him and be happy?
Sometimes it doesn’t matter who the a******e is, or who started what, or who should have done things differently.
If you would like to move past this hurt and anger, then I would suggest you write him an email. Lay out everything you have said here.
Tell him how you feel about everything. Tell him the regrets you have about your own actions. Tell him about the hurt and anger you felt from his actions. Tell him about the resentment you harbor because he was the adult, and failing to recognize that you were just a child.
And tell him that you would like to be able to move forward from this and actually have some kind of relationship with him. Don’t leave out anything.
And then give him a little time to process it all and see what happens.
Write him, rather than call him, so that you can put everything in it, without being distracted by side issues and emotions that may get poked in an actual conversation.
I hope for your sake that you can find peace out of this.” User
5. AITJ For Going Home Because I Don't Want To Be Around My Sister's Dog?
“I (F33) don’t like dogs. My sister (F29) has a dog that she says her world revolves around. Which is fine, she can do her thing.
I just have an issue when it affects me. It is a breed that sheds a lot. Like she regularly has dog hair on her clothes. I don’t eat food at/from my sister’s house. I’ve found dog hair in her cooking before so I gently pass on her dishes.
Privately I have told my mom that I don’t like her dog around food and I won’t eat my sister’s dishes.
We were supposed to have thanksgiving at my parents’ house, Neither my sister nor I live at our parents’ anymore. I arrive a little early to offer to help and see my sister was already there.
Well, I walk in and see my sister’s dog at my mom’s house. I’ve never been to my mom’s house when my sister’s dog is there. Well, I also found out my sister had been there all day helping my mom cook. Apparently, she had offered a few days earlier and my mom accepted. I didn’t know this was happening.
The next thing I know the dog is trotting through the kitchen. This whole situation was too much and I told them I wouldn’t be eating this food. They ask why and I tell them why. My sister says I’m blowing things out of proportion.
Mentions lots of people eat food prepared where dogs are nearby. I tell her I’m not one of those people.
I just decide to go home. I leave the pies I made and ended up ordering Chinese. When dinner was supposed to happen my phone was blowing up and I was told I should have just dealt with it by multiple family members.
So AITJ?
Edit: I’ve found dog hair in multiple dishes over the last few years. This is not a one-time thing. I’ve avoided my sister’s food for about 6-8 months because of this.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ but only for your failure to communicate.
You’re approaching this as if your stance is common and therefore your family was being unreasonable.
There are 69 million dog owners and 45 million cat owners in the US, most of whom eat food prepared around pets. Most people would refuse to eat food in a home where pets were licking off the dishes but most people would not refuse to eat food in a home where a dog was present
You absolutely have the right to have an atypical stance on eating around dogs but because it’s atypical, you’ll need to take the lead on communicating it.
To avoid being a jerk you need to explain the extent of your aversion and ask for their support.
I would use terms like phobia, as what you are describing falls into that level of severity.
Your family relationships will do better if you own up to having an unusual and very strong phobia against eating around pets. Ask your mom and sister if they are open to accommodating you, rather than suggesting that they’re unhygienic beasts and you’ll be more likely to preserve your family relationships.” capmanor1755
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you came by, you saw the dog, you left the pies you were obligated to have and went home.
You are entitled to not like dogs and you are entitled to decisions about where and how the food you eat is prepared. If the situation does not meet your standards then you politely decline and take care of yourself.
You aren’t asking them to cook new food elsewhere, you aren’t asking them to cancel any plans, you are simply excusing yourself from a situation to something that meets your reasonable standard.
They know this preference about you, your sister doesn’t have to bring a dog to Thanksgiving, it’s not like a friend or someone, your relatives know this behavior about you.
NTJ.” Rymasq
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You are a jerk because you left… not because you expressed your opinion about the dog… dog hair and eating food in that environment. You made the holiday all about the food, leaving out the importance of sharing your time with your loved ones.
You ended up getting Chinese food and going home alone. Your other option could have been to tell your family that you would stay for dinner but would have to run out and get something you were comfortable eating with them. If they went nuts on that, then at least it was them forcing your hand on leaving… and not you making that decision without exploring other options.” anitarielleliphe
Another User Comments:
“Either ‘no jerks here’ or ‘everyone sucks here’
I get your POV and hers. It’s your mom’s house, so your mom gets to invite whomever she pleases. She deigned to invite the dog, which isn’t a jerk move when she knows how important the dog is to your sister.
At the same time, you get to decide what food you are ok eating. If you don’t eat food prepared with a dog in the same house, then that’s your choice and it sounds like it was a clear boundary you had before this event went down.
Holidays, where 2 people have literally opposite preferences, are hard to navigate and someone will always lose. This time it was you. All in all, sounds like it was just a family argument with no clear winning outcome. That means either everyone sucks or no one does.” StragglingShadow
She will be embarrassed and everyone will stop eating the food. Peer pressure will make her aware that her dog has no place coming to a family dinner and that she should put an apron on while cooking to keep her furry clothes away from the food.
4. AITJ For Telling My Partner To Apologize To My Ex?
“I (m29) have a partner, Lily (f26). Lily and I have been together for around 8 months.
I have a daughter Alice (f7) whose mother is my ex-fiancée, Rachel (f29). Our relationship ended for multiple complicated reasons which I won’t get into it mainly boiled down to us simply not being romantically compatible.
Rachel and I are on good terms. We had a few petty disagreements in the beginning but we’ve been able to co-parent really well.
Lily never had an issue with me being a single dad and she interacts really well with Alice. However recently I think Lily really overstepped and acted inappropriately.
Last week, Alice’s school had a fair. There were games, prizes, food, and music. Alice is in her school’s dance club which was doing a performance towards the end of the fair.
I talked to Rachel about the event, and we agreed that I would take Alice to the fair and Rachel would meet up with us at the event and then take Alice back to her home.
Lily insisted on accompanying me and Alice to the fair and I didn’t see a reason as to why she couldn’t come along. However, Rachel didn’t meet us when she agreed to. I tried to call her a few times but she wasn’t answering.
Lily seemed a lot more annoyed about it than I was and went on about how Rachel shouldn’t be late and that she needs to prioritize her time better.
I told Lily she was probably just stuck in traffic or something and that it was no big deal.
Rachel ended up being 2 hours late and didn’t arrive until after the dance performance. She said that her boss made her stay behind past the time she was supposed to finish and was really apologetic.
Rachel is not normally late.
I will admit that Alice was pretty disappointed, but these things happen. Lily was fuming and angry and confronted Rachel in front of Alice. She accused Rachel of not caring about her child and being hopelessly disorganized. Lily told Rachel that her own mother was like her and that she hates her for it.
I tried to calm Lily down and prevent an argument but Rachel started yelling at Lily and said that she has no right to criticize her and that she was not Alice’s parent.
They got into a screaming match and caused a huge scene. Alice started crying and Rachel eventually took Alice to her car and left.
I took Lily home but I was really angry with her. I talked to Lily the next day when she was calmer and told her that she majorly overstepped her bounds and that she owes Rachel an apology. Lily seemed surprised that I’d say that and said that Rachel was blatantly in the wrong and that she should’ve been more organized and prioritized her child.
I told Lily that doesn’t matter and that she behaved inappropriately. Lily was really mad that I didn’t take her side and has been very cold towards me.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You had a partner of 8 months at your child’s school event like she’s the stepmom.
No wonder she’s overstepping boundaries very early in the relationship. Your ex definitely should’ve texted you what was going on with her. You need to get your partner in line she needs to know why she was out of line. She can be mad about it but it wasn’t her place to say anything.
Handle that before she makes your good co-parenting situation turn bad because remember it isn’t about you or your ex it’s about your daughter.” Silent_Syd241
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Lily is so far into the wrong. Honestly, I don’t know if I could show my face around your daughter’s friends’ parents with Lily in tow for a while.
The gossip and side-eye are going to be heavy. She’s potentially harmed your daughter socially with this spectacle. She owes your ex, your daughter, you, and heck if the scene was really disruptive? To the fair organizers of the school fair. The last thing schools need is angry outbursts.
I do question why Rachel couldn’t/didn’t call to let you know she was running late. After 2 hours I’d be seething, too.” BeastOGevaudan
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Holy crap, your partner massively overstep here. I get being annoyed with the lateness and not telling you, but to blow up like she did, in front of your daughter?
No. That’s not the done thing.
If Rachel is not normally late and feeling the pressure from work, the last thing she needs to hear is that she isn’t prioritizing her child, I would have a chat with her and ask if everything is ok, does she need you to do a bit more in terms of childcare, etc.
Lily sounds very immature and needs to be dumped. She will always cause issues now and this is something you definitely do not need.” Nessie51
3. AITJ For Telling My Cousin To Divorce Her Husband?
“I (27f) have a cousin ‘Michelle’ (26f) who I grew up with and am pretty close to and love, but she’s going through a lot right now and unfortunately we had an argument.
Back in Middle School Michelle met and became friends with ‘Jared’ (25m) and they used to hang out a lot. By the time they were in high school, they would hang out almost every day and even work together. Michelle often cited how he was her best friend but a lot of us thought that they were secretly seeing each other.
Michelle’s stepdad and my dad even had an informal discussion about how Jared should treat women because of how convinced they were that they were an item.
Michelle constantly denied this while Jared would either laugh it off or just be silent, but none of us took it seriously until we found out that Michelle was actually seeing Jared’s brother ‘Lenny’ (29m).
We were surprised and then shocked when Michelle confessed to getting pregnant and that she accepted Lenny’s proposal. After that Michelle’s friendship with Jared started to spiral. Jared even missed the wedding. Michelle was upset over this and I pointed out that she couldn’t expect the friendship to stay the same AFTER she started hooking up with Lenny and that she should just give Jared some time.
Since then Michelle and Lenny had their daughter ‘Sarah’ (8f) who Jared isn’t involved and I took it as people just growing apart. He ended up moving back and Michelle was happy but then sad because Jared still expressed no interest in hanging out with her, Lenny, or their daughter.
Then Michelle’s (bio) dad passed away and while Lenny was sympathetic in the beginning he couldn’t understand why she was still so upset since he was a deadbeat and her stepdad was a better parent to her.
Jared was the only one outside of the family to that Michelle would confess how sad she was over the lack of a relationship she had with her dad.
Michelle kept reaching out to Jared in grief and eventually she was able to talk with him at his place but when he told her to confide in Lenny instead Michelle yelled at him and then told Lenny which led to other people getting involved. After a confrontation at her In-Laws’ house, it was revealed that Jared had a crush on Michelle since Junior year, that Lenny knew about it BEFORE he started sleeping with Michelle and that’s why Jared’s relationship with both of them dissolved. Jared hates Lenny and while he doesn’t hate Michelle, she’s still Lenny’s wife so he wants nothing to do with her as well.
Michelle is shocked and angry that Lenny knew the reason Jared stopped talking to her and never told her. They’ve been fighting on and off about it for weeks, I know because she talks to me about it, and it’s starting to get old. During one of her rants at Thanksgiving, I asked if she was going to divorce Lenny over this and when Michelle didn’t say anything I said ‘then stop complaining.’ Michelle left early after that and when I went to call her she blocked me.
AITJ?
Edit: Just to be clear this has been going on for over a month and I have done the ‘let’s change the subject’ more than once. Three times before I snapped at her.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. When someone complains constantly about their relationship problems, it goes from feeling sympathetic to feeling irritated. Yes, she’s confiding in you, but unless she chooses to change something in the situation then what is the point of talking about it over and over and over again?
‘Lenny did this, Jared did that, I’m in the middle… I can’t believe he did this’ or whatever… There’s only so much repetition anyone can handle, especially if the person complaining is doing nothing to get themselves out of it.” QueenPotatoTomato
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here and I mean everybody.
Michelle should have known, even if Jared didn’t have a crush on her, that hooking up with his brother would permanently alter their relationship.
Lenny is a shark, utterly disloyal to his brother. What a piece of work. Instead of encouraging his brother to act on his crush, he made a move that he knew would hurt his brother.
I get the feeling it’s unlikely he and Michelle would still be together if she hadn’t gotten pregnant.
Jared very gently sucks, too. You don’t carry an unrequited torch for someone for years and expect it to work out like in the rom-com.
Life doesn’t work that way.
You need to learn some empathy. It’s OK to set boundaries, and tell your cousin, ‘We’ve talked about this situation as much as I can handle, and I think you need to work this out with a therapist (with or without Lenny)’.
Telling her ‘Either divorce him or get over it’ is grossly lacking in empathy.” 1800TurdFerguson
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I’m exhausted after just reading this. Can’t imagine what it’s like to be listening to this all the time. At this point, this is just gossip.
Sounds like Michelle wants her husband & her best friend to dote on her & she wants you to jump on the drama boat with her… you can say – No thank you. I don’t think what you said was unfair. Don’t get angry about it, it’s not really your problem.
Just walk away, hang up the phone, etc… No one is asking you to solve Michelle’s life problems. If she just needs someone to listen then I guess you should tell her to find someone else because you don’t want to hear it.
But don’t get mad at her for having problems in life.
ETA — also you do realize that people can complain about their spouse without having any intention of ever getting divorced, right? So maybe suggest some counseling. Then she can pay someone to listen to her & maybe get some help.” Alarming_Reply_6286
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Thanksgiving isn’t the time for Michelle to be ranting, and it would have been lots better for you to shut this down in a much less aggressive way like changing the subject or leaving the room. However, Michelle acting like some big secret has suddenly been revealed is ridiculous because Jared having feelings for her 10 years ago seems kind of obvious.
Her huge reaction to this begs the question of how she feels about Jared now & if she wishes she was with him instead of her husband.” YMMV-But
If you really can't and don't want to listen anymore, tell her to go hire a therapist.
2. AITJ For Telling My Employee To Get Over An Almost-Accident?
“I am the manager of a fast food restaurant. The day before yesterday morning one of my employees ‘Jessie’ came in obviously upset about something, she’d been crying, and seemed shaken up.
One of the other workers asked what happened and Jessie told us she’d almost been in an accident and it could have been really bad.
A side note, they’ve been doing construction on the highway in our area and recently built a new part of the highway and put in a big new stoplight.
They just changed the traffic pattern so that the old highway is now non-accessible. Eventually, it’s going to be a four-lane highway running east and west but right now they only have the two eastbound lanes open, the left side for westbound and the right lane for eastbound.
Jessie explained that she’d been out of town for the week (early Thanksgiving) and the old highway had still been open. She found out at 7 am on her day back that traffic had been re-routed and she was unaware there was a four-way intersection. She said that the new way is unfamiliar, it was still a little dark, and the speed limit is 55.
The new intersection is around a bend on a small incline. Jessie said the intersection suddenly appeared out of nowhere and she ran a red light and nearly t-boned another car.
That’s definitely scary, I can understand her being upset. But she didn’t actually get in an accident, everyone is fine, she is not injured, and she learned from her mistake.
But she spent a good couple of hours having a pout about it, dropping things, being jumpy. At one point it began to feel like attention-seeking so I told her she’d had her moment, she’d gotten to have emotions, but I needed her to get over it and do her job.
Needless to say, she did not like that and spent the rest of her shift stomping around, being grumpy, rude to me, and snappy with the guests and her coworkers. Eventually, I cut her shift and sent her home because people were complaining. Our franchise owner called us later and said Jessie complained about me for being rude and unkind.
Was I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. A near crash can easily leave people jumpy for hours, possibly the entire day. It’s a defense mechanism of the brain, essentially it doesn’t realize the danger is passed so it keeps you on a hair trigger until your subconscious stops worrying about it.
Of course, she was angry at your insensitive and unwarranted attack on her reaction to a dangerous situation. She was completely justified in complaining.” Free_Ad_7708
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, and here is why…
‘Jessie said the intersection suddenly appeared out of nowhere and she ran a red light and nearly t-boned another car.’
This is definitely a traumatic experience. It’s lucky for Jessie that she didn’t get killed because that could very well have happened.
‘But she didn’t actually get in an accident, everyone is fine, she is not injured, she learned from her mistake.’
I hope this isn’t your personality as a manager because this is a really trashy attitude for someone in a role that is about enabling people to work better.
If you have a near-death experience at any point in your life, you better hope that they are more sympathetic towards you than you were to that poor lady.
‘At one point it began to feel like attention-seeking so I told her she’d had her moment’
Your employees are real people with emotions, you don’t get to decide that they ‘have had their moment’. Frankly, this makes you sound like a monumental jerk.
‘but I needed her to get over it and do her job’
Again, your employees are real people with emotions.
They don’t exist to ‘do their job’. The job is literally a tool for her livelihood. When her entire life was briefly shaken up, her job would be the LEAST of her concern.
Your lack of empathy is jarring for someone that is supposed to manage people.
People are not machines, they aren’t automated robots. Managers need ‘people skills’, which means knowing how to deal with people in different situations, the foremost of which would be a traumatic experience. You seem extremely unqualified for your role as manager.
‘Our franchise owner called us later and said Jessie complained about me for being rude and unkind’
That is putting it mildly. You need to either quit your role as manager or take up some serious courses on how to actually manage people, and no, managing people doesn’t mean barking orders at them.
Oh, and by the way, here is the cherry on top.
‘Eventually, I cut her shift and sent her home’
Just imagine if you had done this in the first place… If you had actually been a good manager and listened to her patiently, told her that it must have been a harrowing experience, and sent her home to recover and come back fresh and calm the next day.
Jessie would have been grateful to you, and when she returned, she would be putting in more effort because she knows her manager sticks their neck out for her. Your other employees would have seen how you treat your subordinates when they are in distress and would have been happy to have you as their manager.
Instead, you have now shown not just Jessie but your other employees as well, that you are an apathetic jerk that doesn’t care about their emotions or feelings, and just wants them to ‘do their job’.” GrimExile
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. She had a shocking and sudden near miss with what could have been severe injury or passing of herself and others.
Of course, she is shaken. She might even have a trauma history which is exacerbating. You don’t get to decide that a traumatic incident shouldn’t be traumatic because it’s inconveniencing you. If she seems too upset to continue with her shift or her trauma is annoying you, you could always have said earlier (and less awfully than you no doubt did, because she wouldn’t have complained if you were kind), ‘hey, Jessie, this clearly shook you up really badly, how about you take the rest of the shift off and settle down.’ But nope.
You didn’t do that. Instead, you tried to bully her out of being shaken and then sent her home as a punishment rather than kindness. Way to be both a terrible manager and a lousy person.” JessStarlite
And she's got a job to do. Be professional.
1. WIBTJ If I Don't Allow My Sister-In-Law To Change Her Kids In The Living Room?
“We have a small living room/playroom at my house. It’s where the kids’ toys, dollhouses, and play kitchens are. My kids are 6 and 3 for reference, both potty trained.
When my sister-in-law comes over with her two kids, both in diapers, she insists on changing them in the living room on the carpet.
Doing so makes all the kids have to stop playing and move somewhere else until she’s done changing the diaper. I mind because we literally have a changing table in my daughter’s bedroom and she’s free to use it. I’ve asked her why she does it there and offered the changing table, but she says she doesn’t want the kids to miss out on what’s going on around them… even though all the kids have to stop playing anyways when one of the kids gets changed. And honestly, it’s a little gross when she’s changing a stinky poopy diaper in the middle of the living room which is right next to the kitchen (open concept type of house).
It’s started a weird little fight before.
WIBTJ if I banned her from changing the kids in the living room? I hate how she disrupts all the kids by having to change hers on the carpet in the living room. Idc where else she does it, we have a bathroom and a changing table, the living room is just such an inconvenience to everyone.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, tell her either to follow the rules of your house or to stay away. What she’s doing is not hygienic and in most cases stinky. Also if anything gets onto the carpets, it will stink and will take more time to clean.
So get the nappies changed in their designated spot or she and the kids can stay away until they are potty trained. Also, don’t see why your kids need to be inconvenienced for no fault of theirs.” SPolowiski
Another User Comments:
“Nah, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with her changing a diaper on the living room floor in general, but it’s your house and you have a preference for her to do so in another room on the changing table and that’s perfectly fair.
We always asked the host where we could change diapers for our kids when out visiting since that just seems more respectful. I think you need to word it differently though, it sounds like your SIL doesn’t realize you have a problem with where she’s changing them.” Tiffm09
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, both kids are old enough to be potty training unless they have disabilities. If they don’t want to miss out they need to use the potty like their cousins. Be firm & tell her she will absolutely not be changing her kids & putting them on display in your living room.
It’s gross, unhygienic, & is detrimental to their potty training.” winesis
Please do not force him to give it away