People Lose Friends In These "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
21. AITJ For Wanting To Record My Mom's Tantrums To Show Our Family?
“My (F16) mum (F38) is a rather aggressive woman, to say the least. She gets mad very easily and will often react badly to the smallest issues e.g. my sister used her makeup brush and she went absolutely mental. When my mum gets mad she will often throw tantrums, screaming, hitting objects, calling us names e.g. stupid jerks, and will tell my little sister how her dad doesn’t love her and other unpleasant things.
Then after she’s done having her meltdown she’ll phone her family and tell them a very twisted story and will paint us as spoiled brats who are just like our dad.
Well, quite frankly I’m sick of it. I’m sick of our family thinking that our mum is some sort of angel.
I’m sick of getting dirty looks from family members at events. I’m sick of it all.
So WIBTJ for recording one of my mum’s tantrums and showing my family next time she tries to make me and my sister look horrible?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
It’s good to have solid evidence of awful behavior. However, also think of the consequences of showing your family. You might not get the reaction you hoped (they might think it’s a setup, or that you shouldn’t record it). Families love to sweep dirt under the rug to keep appearances.
Also, even if they agree with you, you might have to deal with your mom after the fact. Can she ground you? Take all your stuff? Can you move to another family member? I’m not trying to discourage you, I just want you to be safe.” pedroyarid
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Firstly I’d like to say that I’m sorry this is the situation you and your siblings are in. Your mum sounds like a narcissist and you all very much deserve better. If you want to record an example of her behavior, it doesn’t make you a jerk.
As nice as it might feel to tip the scales in your balance here, it might not be as humbling for her as you’d like if you air the problems in such a public forum. Will people be on her side or yours? It may also lead to retaliation further down the line.
Is there a family member you could share with in private? Otherwise, do you have another adult in your life you can confide in to support you? You sound like you’re in an unsafe environment and I worry about your support network if she’s alienating you from family members.
You are school-age, are you at school? Can you talk to a teacher or other trusted adult about how you’re feeling? I know what it’s like to grow up in a volatile environment with someone who is narcissistic and I’m hoping everything works out for you like it did for me.” LosBocadillos
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, First, check your state’s recording rules. It is illegal in some states to record people without consent. If it is illegal in your state, consider trying to get in in a public place. You have no expectations of privacy in public places.
Maybe get a library card and read “Stop Caretaking the Borderline Or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life”. You didn’t specify your age. I’m assuming you are under 18 and in the US. Although I completely sympathize, recording and sharing her tantrums will make her go off the rails.
You might make a point with the other family members, but if you live at home it could be very dangerous for you. Outing NPD and BPD folks can cause them to become very dangerous, sneaky, etc. But if your dad is in your life and wants custody, and you want to live with him, a recording like this, probably even if illegally obtained, will sway a judge.
If you shared it with say a teacher or school guidance counselor, they could start a process where your mom will need mandatory therapy.” BindingCocoa
20. AITJ For Not Completing A Last-Minute Task Before Clocking Out?
“My boss emails me at 3:46 when I clock out at 4. I was in the middle of a big project and saw the email but didn’t think anything of it because it wasn’t marked urgent or anything.
So I went about working on the project. Well, I get a call at 3:53 saying her email needs to be done now (edits for an older project).
I say “I don’t think I can get it all done in 7 minutes”. She gets upset and says she will send it to someone else.
Then I get an email saying “I sent this in time for you to be able to do this.
We will talk about this tomorrow”. I replied basically saying I was working on something and didn’t see it. I’m sorry.
They have been pushing these other projects so I wanted to get them done. I am way more productive than most of my co-workers.
And it shows in the reports.
This is not the first time if I don’t bend over backwards for this company I am treated like I am in the wrong. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. A couple of months ago, I had someone stop by and ask me to review (and approve) a document at 3:30 p.m. on a Friday (I would hit 40 hours at 4 p.m., and most other employees were already gone for the weekend.
These documents usually take at least 45 minutes to an hour to review, but I was willing to stay a few minutes late if it was important. But then after I said I would take a look, the document wasn’t electronically transferred to me until 3:50 p.m. and it was a larger and more involved document.
And the document was for testing of parts we hadn’t even purchased yet. I wasn’t working an unpaid hour of OT on a Friday for this bull. So, I politely told the requestor that I had taken a look and it was more involved than I expected and I would take care of it first thing Monday morning.
I then received multiple emails and phone calls from an Associate Director (as I was shutting down my computer) about how important it was to get this document released. (But I knew enough to know that this document wasn’t going to be used for months.) Well, I got in Monday morning and went to review the document and it had been pulled from my inbox.
It turns out that since they had missed their arbitrary release date the previous Friday, they had decided to pull the document to actually properly finish writing the darn thing. And now that Associate Director is on my list of people I don’t trust.” teresajs
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You work until 4. The boss didn’t take into consideration that you are working on other projects. Or more likely didn’t care. I had a boss who WITHOUT FAIL needed me to do something at 5 pm every day (I worked until 5:30 pm).
This is what I did to stop it. 1. Politely reminded that I worked until the time I did. 2. Asked if I needed to do overtime that there be a 24 hr notice for it. 3. Asked if I would be compensated (usually salary employees are taken advantage of in this regard).
4. Looked and a better job. When you are called into the office, do not apologize. Just say that you had other commitments and you needed to leave at your time. Tell them that you would have done it if you didn’t have prior commitments. If it was urgent a phone call would have been warranted. Remember – Their lack of planning is NOT your emergency.
Neither is their lack of staff to cover all the work needed to be done.” tinadollny
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Jobs I had like this where I have X amount of time and they want me to do Y things (usually more than I had time for), I would just ask “what 3 things do you want done (out of 10)?” You are paid for the time you sell them, if both parties are cool with overtime, awesome.
If not, bummer for them. Info – did the email title say urgent, or was there any info they wanted you to stop what you were doing to attend it? Won’t change judgment, but in your meeting simply ask “how was I supposed to know you wanted me to drop everything for this email?”” No-Personality5421
19. AITJ For Asking My Dad To Stop Introducing Himself As A Doctor In Hospitals?
“My dad has a PhD in law and introduces himself as a doctor to pretty much every new person he meets. I don’t really care about this either way, he earned the degree and has a right to carry that title.
The exception is he does it at the hospital, which always leads to confusion. He’ll do it to strangers in the waiting room, who’ll assume he’s a medical doctor and ask for input, and he also does it to nurses/doctors/etc, who also assume he’s a medical doctor and start explaining things to him in complicated medical jargon that neither of us understands.
Obviously, he always corrects people who make this assumption, but seeing that this literally happens every time I go with him I asked him to stop. He got mad at me and said that he absolutely wouldn’t do that, he’s as much of a doctor as anyone working in a hospital. He grew up in Germany and he says that it’s very normal for people with any doctorate to carry that title in all settings (many people will even put it on their doorbell.) AITJ for saying he should stop doing this?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ: a hospital has no place or time for confusion, especially about whether or not someone is a doctor. With the culture in America, when people say doctor it automatically makes them think MD. I could see why you’d want him to stop introducing him as a doctor in a medical setting just to prevent any harmful confusion that just setting aside ego for the medical visit can avoid.” No-Professional-620
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m working towards my PhD right now, and I would not make people call me doctor (except my one jerk friend who goes out of his way to complain about how nonmedical doctorates aren’t doctors). If anything it is weird ESPECIALLY in a medical setting.
As a side note, the term doctor was traditionally for academia; it has been co-opted by medical professionals over time, and maybe that’s why in Germany people are still called doctor.” ESLsucks
Another User Comments:
“You are NTJ. Like another commenter said, I was cringing so hard with second-hand embarrassment for you!
People with PhDs who insist on being called “doctor” are insufferable and don’t realize how arrogant they come across to others. I don’t blame you for begging your father to stop this behavior….it’s really awful. Honestly, if he won’t stop I would tell him that you refuse to go to any kind of medical place with him.” thekellysong
18. AITJ For Feeling Hurt When My Husband And His Family Ignored My Achievements And Birthday?
“When I finished my degree no one said congratulations not even my husband cared. Then a month later on my birthday my husband’s family, who I go out of my way for on their birthdays, didn’t even tell me happy birthday.
This is the second year in a row so I told my husband how it hurts my feelings and how I wish I had family here.
He told me to go live with my mom then. He also stayed in our bedroom the rest of the day and did nothing to celebrate my birthday. He also has not spoken to me since.
Am I in the wrong? Should I apologize? I don’t know what I did or if I did anything wrong by telling him how his family makes me feel.
My mom is going through chemo and I know if she was well she would have been here with me and I just feel like I have no one.”
Another User Comments:
“I have a feeling there are a lot of things wrong with just those issues.
The way your husband just casually says “Then go live with your mom” because you stated you had no family is very telling. He does NOT care about you at all! Girl, get out while you’re still young. Do something you’re proud of with your degree (congrats by the way.
No small feat I’m sure.) And get out from under his control. You absolutely did nothing wrong. NTJ.” PonderWhoIAm
Another User Comments:
“I personally am petty as heck. Everything you do to me I will do to you. You will get everything back sooner or later.
So if my family or husband did this they would get the exact same treatment and then I would laugh at their faces and how they’re hypocrites. Then I let them be angry and not give a care. Sometimes people need to feel it themselves to be able to understand how you feel.
If he ignores you and your birthday, ignore him and his birthday. Tell him to go live with his mother if he wants a birthday. If he complains leave him behind. Or if you’re not petty, don’t. I can’t tell you what to do when you’re not petty though because I’m always going to be petty.” Fast-Book-8012
Another User Comments:
“I mean, your husband told you to leave, why are you still with him? This guy and his family have no respect for you, they don’t care about and he doesn’t even want you there. Leave, divorce him, and go live with your mother until you get back on your feet if he supported you and you don’t earn enough to live by yourself!
Life is too short to stay with people who aren’t worth our time, and your husband clearly isn’t! Live with people who would be happy to prepare something for your birthday, and for your graduation and who would be happy for you no matter what, you don’t have time to live with someone who clearly couldn’t care less about you!
NTJ.” Yosara_Hirvi
17. AITJ For Defending My Parents' Decision About My Sister's High School Choice?
“A good couple of years ago, when I was applying to high school I pretty much got to pick wherever I wanted to go. My parents’ thought process on this was that I really wanted to go to a (free) public school that had a good (and safe) commute.
My younger sister is now also applying to high school and she’s getting upset at our parents that they’re hesitant to let her apply to a school she really wants to go to. My parents’ reasoning is that it has a horrible commute and is over 10k to pay when there’s a good school in our neighborhood that only costs 6k.
My sister complained to me that it’s unfair to show favorites and I told her that you can’t compare the situation because I went to a free public school and she wants to go to a more expensive private school. If she wanted to go to a relatively close public school that’d be a different story.
However, she disagrees with me on this and is upset that I’m defending our parents instead of her when I get to go to a school of my choosing. She thinks I should be 100% on her side.
AITJ here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your parents allowed you to pick within the same parameters as she has.
This is an equal situation. Had you chosen the 10K school it would have been declined as well. You chose within the parameters. If she does that, she will get to pick too. Put it to her like this. Someone says, “You can choose a car but it must be red and less than $20k.” You choose a red car that’s 20k and you get the car.
She chooses a blue one that’s $50k. Well, she chose from outside the parameters, so she’ll have to pick again if she wants a car. She is trying to paint a parallel that does not exist.” ontether
Another User Comments:
“$10k a year for HIGH SCHOOL?!?
WT actual F? NTJ. If I were in your parents’ position, I would say she can either have high school or college paid for from the Bank of Mom and Dad, but not both. So if she wants to go to this spiffy private high school, she better get a full ride to college out of that $40k high school education.
The bank would be closed after laying out that cash for high school. Some high schools partner with area universities to offer dual-credit courses. I saw kids in some of these programs leave high school with an associate’s degree or a chunk of hours toward their bachelor’s degrees.
I think if this $10k HS specializes in these dual-credit courses, that might be the only justification for the price tag.” HedgieTwiggles
Another User Comments:
“INFO: Were you and your sister free to choose your high school, and because your sister chose a school with unfavorable qualities, your parents are saying “Not that school”?
If that is the case, then I suggest having empathy for your sister. I agree with your parents’ decision, but that doesn’t stop the hurt of seemingly having a free choice, and then having parameters that exclude your favorite choice put on afterward. You don’t have to agree with your sister, but saying “Yeah that sucks” can go a long way with your sister feeling like her thoughts are being acknowledged.” SugarCrisp7
16. AITJ For Not Allowing Plus Ones At Our Wedding Unless They're Married Or Engaged?
“My fiance and I are getting married next year and made the decision not to allow plus ones unless you’re married or engaged. Granted, we are in our early 20s so there aren’t any friends with life partners just SOs (some live together and some don’t) but we both have gay family members who aren’t married and with life partners who will be invited. Both of our families and friend groups are large so we had to make the tough decision to create this rule in order to reduce the number of people and costs.
We didn’t realize this was such a big point of contention until we got phone calls from friends being passive, saying it was fine it’ll be a boys’ weekend, yet calling us out and some friends saying they thought we were better friends, they were confused and angry, and their plus one was invited to other weddings.
There’s still a chance we get enough no’s and we can make exceptions but to guarantee we don’t overspend this seemed to be the only avenue. Are we the jerks for having to draw the line and this being the way we did it?”
Another User Comments:
“I feel like if you had just invited the people you wanted there, then did a case-by-case basis for people that asked (because they always do), you may have incurred less wrath. You’re NTJ for trying to keep your wedding within budget, but I don’t think you even had to mention the long-term relationship issue.
We definitely had people ask about their partners and we just apologized and said we were holding spaces for family and that we would update them. Job done” Jewlynoted
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It’s a wedding and unless you’re Rihanna I can’t imagine the list of potential guests is so large that you can’t do the people you presumably care about the courtesy of deciding on a case-by-case basis whether they get a +1 or not.
Trying to make an arbitrary policy you can shift blame to is a cop-out. Make the tough decisions and be honest about it. If they’re good friends, they’ll understand. If they aren’t, you don’t need them there anyway. (And if we’re really being honest, you probably have friends who would be happy to not attend a wedding that you can simply uninvite.
It’s an obligation for a lot of people, not something they’re dying to do.)” snslayer
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are correct that with married and engaged couples both must be invited, but beyond that, there is no etiquette requirement or social obligation to give out “plus ones.” The only exception I would make is if you know someone is in a well-established, long-term relationship.
In that case, I would expect their partner to be invited as well, which you would do by putting both of their names on the envelope. No “and guest.” But as for giving people permission to bring strangers (to you) to your wedding? What a ridiculous idea.
You are already inviting your guests. Your guests don’t need guests of their own.” SamiHami24
15. AITJ For Refusing To Go On A Vacation With My Partner's Family Who Dislikes Me?
“I (17 F) and my partner (18M) have been together since freshmen year and on May 5th, we graduated high school. I love him to death but it’s tradition in his family that they go on vacation after one of the kids graduates. And well his mom HATES me.
She’s hated me since I was 14 and she dislikes me now at 17. Every time I’m around her she judges every single thing I do. How I look, how I walk, how I talk.
So my partner invited me on the vacation with them and he said it would mean so much to him if I went with them.
It’s for six weeks in Greece. And I didn’t feel comfortable being that far away from home in a foreign country when his parents don’t even like me. I told him this and he said it would mean so much if I went, and that he wanted to spend that time with me, and he asked if I could suck it up and just go.
I said no and he got upset and left.
Now his friends are texting me saying I was a jerk for not dealing with it and going for him. Am I the jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s not surprising that he and his friends are blaming you, the victim of his mother’s abuse.
You should never put yourself into situations you will be uncomfortable in and this trip is no different. If he can’t understand that it will only be a vacation for him and not one for you, then he either can’t see his mother for the abusive person she is (and never will) or he will never prioritize your feelings over those of his family.
Bid him a bon voyage, think hard about your relationship while he’s gone, and have a conversation when he returns. Perhaps, he’ll have reconsidered. And, SHOW HIM THIS THREAD!” prove____it
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – As much as I LOVE my MIL, I’m not going away to a strange place with my husband’s family without my own money.
You’re not even married and this woman already doesn’t like you. (I’m not going to blame it all on her -all of us were jerks as teenagers.) Say you go, are you able to pay for ALL of your meals and drinks? Are you expected to pay for all of your flights even if it eats into your college money?
Would she even “allow” you to stay in the same room as her beloved son? The ONE person you know and are comfortable with? I’m not saying to break up with the guy. I’m saying let him go on his “traditional” trip with the family and you guys figure things out after.” StaceyMike
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. That’s a long time to be gone in a foreign country with your partner’s family who don’t even approve of you. I could only imagine how uncomfortable that whole trip sounds for everyone involved. And I don’t like to always say this because people do live happily ever after with their hs sweetheart, but from my personal experience I put myself through a lot with my hs bf and that includes family vacations.
Don’t put yourself through that misery. This is a very important summer for you both, you need to enjoy it now while you can and make sure that you are in a good place mentally before you start your next chapter in your life, and I’m pretty sure going on a trip where you will get all this negative energy will not make it a enjoyable trip for you or your partner.” PrincessCubbie17
14. AITJ For Leaving After Waiting An Hour For My Friends?
“I was meeting up with my friend, her husband, her brother, and her SIL (husband’s sister) for an event in downtown Duluth, GA.
I texted her yesterday and asked, “What time are we meeting tomorrow?” She responded, “Between 3:30 and 4:00 pm.”
Today I texted her at 3:12 saying “On my way.” She responded, “Ok see you in a bit.”
I arrived and parked at 3:35 and texted “I am here.” No response.
Texted again at 3:45 “Hey a parking spot opened up right next to me if you are close!” No response.
Texted again at 3:58 “Never mind somebody parked.” No response.
Finally at 4:30, I left. They texted me five minutes later that they arrived but I told them I had already left.
My friend apologized but her husband says I’m the jerk for not waiting longer. I said I waited an hour with no text saying that they were running late nor a text for when they were on the way. He says that because they said we were meeting between 3:30 and 4:00 technically they were only 30 minutes late.
He also says I could have texted asking if they were still coming.
I said I had already sent three texts that had gone unanswered.
I feel a little guilty for leaving, and I understand his justification that “technically” they were only half an hour late as opposed to an hour, but I still don’t think I’m the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but your friend’s husband certainly is. 4 adults in their car. One of them could have taken the 10 seconds needed to message you. Or one could have replied to your 3 messages. They were rude to be late and 35 minutes late with no contact is unacceptable.
Yes stuff happens, but one of them had a working phone! Truly a lack of manners on their part. And why does he think the burden is on you to find out if they are still coming? Geez. What a jerk. That husband has some screwed-up view of how things work in the world.” Msmediator
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – now they have an idea that you have a ‘stop loss’ time limit. Your time is important to you. My mum was always late so we (all of us kids) would tell her an hour early for important events just to get her and us there in time.
Eg weddings, flight times. Even then we’d often still get there just in time. Recently she had a long-time friend tell her as an FYI, that if mum was 10mins late to something they’d organised together, the friend was gonna leave automatically after 10 mins. She decided that was her ‘stop loss’ time.
It’s a ground rule that is understood between them. Delays happen, I’m often a little bit late myself for stuff, but I’d never chide a person for leaving after waiting too long for me. That’s on me! Whoever knew OP was waiting there since 3.35 should have kept in touch better.
They will know for next time.” foxiesinbasket
Another User Comments:
“I have literal ADHD and am late so often that I joke I will be late to my own funeral. I can’t really fix the time blindness or the way I seem to always forget something crucial and have to double back.
But you know what I can fix, and do? I tell people. I text them. If it’s 10 minutes from when I need to leave and I can’t find my keys, I text my friends and say “I am running late, I can’t find my keys”.
If I lose track of time working on a task, I text them and say “Sorry, I completely lost track of time and will be there about x late”. It’s so important to text so that your friends know you haven’t blown them off and also they can prepare their own time- maybe they wanted to grab a coffee or stop by an ATM on the way to somewhere, and now they can.
Maybe they wanted to change their shirt but didn’t have time. Maybe they need to put air in their tires, or maybe you are just giving them an extra 15 to sit on the couch. Either way, by letting them know, you are freeing up their time and telling them you respect them.” Lo1657
13. AITJ For Requesting Contributions Towards My Daughter's Dream Scooter Instead Of Traditional Gifts?
“My (28F) daughter (almost 5F) is having a small bday party. She’s super excited since she hasn’t had a party in two years. For her bday, she really wants a razor scooter with light-up wheels and a red bell on it, and a helmet that has a unicorn horn.
Knowing she was going to get presents for her party and not wanting her to get a bunch of things she’ll play with once (or for my house to be more cluttered with random toy pieces), and wanting her to get what she actually wants, on the bday invite, I wrote “Instead of a toy, Daughter would like a contribution for her dream scooter.” My sister told me I was being rude by “essentially asking for contributions for a 5-year-old’s party.”
One of the parents of a kid who is invited said they liked that I wrote that because now they know exactly what to get. I see my sister’s point, so I think I might be the jerk for making this request, but I also don’t think I am because it’s truly what she wants for her bday.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No, I don’t think it’s a jerk move. As an adult, this is the norm I think so why not for kids? I might have included a limit, like no more than $10 or something since not everyone can afford a lot of contributions.
However, please don’t buy the scooter early and have it at the party. I think that would be tacky because why bring the contributions if the gift is paid for already? Just the optics. That’s my opinion, and I’m sure some will disagree with me.” Poor-Decision1979
Another User Comments:
“No, not the jerk. I would have worded it differently: “This year, daughter has asked for this scooter. If you would like to pitch in to help buy it in lieu of an individual gift, let me know and we’ll make arrangements”.
For my wedding, I didn’t have an actual Registry: I made one of the big-ticket items that people were invited to pitch in on. (This was before there were services catering to this idea) Most of them were to help fund our month-long European honeymoon.
Things like “A train trip from X to Y” or “A nights hotel stay in “city”. We made sure to send thank-you postcards from the thing they were helping pay for. I think it’s becoming more and more acceptable to ask people to pitch in for bigger gifts, and I wouldn’t have any issue with that being on a child’s birthday invite.
I’d much rather the child get something really special, as opposed to a pile of garbage.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I find it super weird that the people get upset about someone requesting gifts they actually want for events where gift-giving is a given.
Like I understand the whole societal norm and general value of being grateful for any gifts you get but if you are friends or family of the gift receiver, don’t you want to gift or contribute to a gift they actually really want/need/have asked for?
Gifting should be about making the person receiving the gift happy and if people are going to think it’s tacky just because you point out what gifts will make you happy, I think the societal norm is just super out of whack – it’s actually really mind-boggling to me.
Do you truly think it’s better as a gift-giver to give something that the person may not actually like/want/use because it’s “tacky” to be straightforward about what gifts a person actually wants? This is of course keeping in mind that it shouldn’t be presented as an expectation (but more of a “if you wish to gift me something, I would love a contribution to X, Y, Z or a link to a registry type list with gifts of differing price points so everyone can give something within their budget).
In general, gift-giving norms need a serious revamp because it causes unnecessary excess consumerism and trash in our landfills. I cannot stress enough how giving a gift to someone is not about you, it’s about the person who’s receiving it and if they have certain wishes why would you be against honoring it if you are friends/family with this person?” Jenstera
12. AITJ For Continuing Grad School Despite Financial Struggles After My Husband Lost His Job?
“My husband now has a job, but it pays significantly less and was the only one he could get since being unemployed as of July.
I am a full-time public school teacher, a mom, and a grad school student. I wanted to attend graduate school to further pursue my education and have a master’s degree that would slightly increase my salary as well as give me more options for the future.
I am well aware that my salary input for my family is low as an educator. I wish I could make more money (who doesn’t?!) and have thought of leaving education purely to bring in more income for our family. I love my job. I’ve wanted to be a kindergarten teacher my whole life.
I also love going to school, and on a whim last year applied to my dream University for grad school and got in.
I now have just 2 semesters left before graduation, but this summer my husband lost his job and we struggled to make ends meet.
I feel extremely guilty about grad school. To be honest, my husband makes me feel bad about it too, and basically tells me I’m being selfish. I hope it benefits our family in the long run. It’s so hard doing this dream thing while feeling unsupported and that I’m basically a jerk for sticking it out… AITJ?!”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. What you’re doing isn’t selfish, you are trying to put yourself in a position to make better money for your family. Maybe the financial pressure your husband is feeling is getting the better of him and that’s why he called you selfish, but he needs to understand that you are trying to do something that will benefit your family in the long term.
If he is feeling that pressure maybe you can revisit ways to cut costs, encourage him to keep applying to other jobs, etc. I’d also remind him not to discount what you do have – you have a child you both love and adore, you’re both employed, you have a roof over your heads, etc. Sometimes people need to be reminded of that.” Stranger0nReddit
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Money is always tight, doesn’t matter how much you make. I know that now at 58. I regret not finishing my education for myself, not for the family or a better job. I feel like I failed myself. This isn’t some pipe dream, and you are working your butt off to make things easier in the long run.
And life is a long run, not a sprint. Things will work out, in the meantime try and get a scholarship or grant to help you out with the bills. I won a scholarship in my last year in college. It helped so much. I had 4 kids and 2 sick parents and had to leave for the parents.
I never had the guts to go back after that. I hope you continue, and while you are doing this for the family, it’s also for you. Take care of yourself, you can do this!” WhatanAsh
Another User Comments:
“From a strict ROI perspective, you’re kind of the jerk here.
You say an MA is going to slightly increase your income – have you looked at the time value of money for your education versus what you’re capable of earning? I realize that finding a career you love has more than monetary value, but money is a reality in this world and if you’re racking up debt (or spending savings) on a degree that isn’t going to provide enough income to recoup that in a timely fashion, that is kinda selfish.
That said, I’m going with a rare (for me) no jerks here vote. You’ve already gotten quite a bit of time invested in this and, sunk-cost or no, getting at least a little back for what you’ve already invested is better than simply walking away from it.” KaldaraFox
11. AITJ For Not Inviting My Wife To A Siblings-Only Event For My Mom's Birthday?
“My mother is about to celebrate a milestone birthday. So we are having a big party – dinner etc with the whole family, grandkids and all (obviously including my wife). It was also suggested that separate from the party and birthday dinner the siblings (5 of us, all of which are married) take my mother out for something special with just us and her, so not my dad or kids or any of our spouses.
Not even sure what we are going to do yet maybe painting with a twist or brunch or whatever.
But when I brought this up with my wife she became upset and indicated that she thought I was drawing boundary lines between my family and excluding her and making her feel like she is not part of the family and even that I was making her feel like we aren’t one together.
When all my thought process was that I thought it would be nice for the kids to take my mom out for something with just us, which really never happens anymore.
My wife doesn’t have a great relationship with her family which I feel is leading to this reaction but my motives were truly not to go out of my way to exclude her, just wanted to spend quality time with my mom.
So AITJ for not inviting my wife to the birthday event with my siblings?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your wife is not your mother’s child, and this is a single meal for your mother and her children. Your own father isn’t even attending, and your wife can’t pretend he isn’t your family.
Your wife needs to stop making this about her when it has nothing to do with her at all. You are not one. You are two separate people, with your own relationships and pasts, who chose to marry. She needs to find something else to focus on.” External-Hamster-991
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I love seeing my kids without partners or spouses. Nothing against them. I love them. But spending time alone with them as adults happens so rarely it’s a treat when it does. There are different interactions when there is no one else there.
Stories and memories. In fact, years ago, I suggested my husband do that for his mom. She was so happy. I have a friend whose wife refused to let the sons have a dinner alone with their mother. She couldn’t not be a part of it.
It is very controlling. She may not mean it that way but it is.” LCJ75
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Do you have kids? I would be really sad if I never got any private time with my kids after they got married. I’d expect most of our time would be inclusive family time, but in-law relationships and not the same thing as your actual children.
It’s really lovely to have a party with everyone and also a small get-together with just your sibs. Your wife needs to learn how to manage her feelings, probably through therapy. She is trying to center this around her own insecurities but it’s not even about her.” sleddingdeer
10. AITJ For Refusing To Tutor My Bullying Sister In Math?
“I (16f) have one sister (15).
She has a temper and it makes her mean. When we were younger it was over stuff that she believed I could do that she couldn’t. But there was nothing. She’d say I got to do more extracurriculars than her but we each had one.
I was in a music class after school for 5 years and she did dance. My classes had more breaks than hers did but we still only had one each. She’d get so mad at me for having more and sometimes when I’d get back from class when she was on break I’d come home to her dumping all my stuff all over the room.
One time she threw stuff from the top of the stairs when Dad and I were coming in the door and she broke a lot of toys.
I was jealous that Mom and Dad bought her more stuff at Christmas when we were younger. At the time I thought they loved her more but the stuff all added up to the same amount.
I got less because my individual gifts cost more. But when my sister was mean I’d argue that she got more than me. She’d still say I still got to do more stuff and it wasn’t fair.
When I was 10 she broke my guitar because she still believed I did more extracurriculars.
My parents couldn’t afford to replace it back then and I decided to quit music lessons because I didn’t like other instruments as much, except piano but that was more expensive to learn and we never owned a piano so practice was impossible. I hated her so much for it but she would act so smug about it.
She rubbed it in my face for years. When I got angry enough I’d tell her I wish she wasn’t my sister and I hated her. She’d say the same.
I started my period when I was 11 and I have endometriosis, only diagnosed this year, which causes me issues.
I bleed a lot and have so much pain. My sister started calling me gross and would tell people at school about how gross I am and she’d tell people about bleeding accidents I had. This is an ongoing problem and our parents punish her for it and they try to make us talk our issues out but it’s a waste of time.
They discipline me too if I express that I hate her. I try not to say it but it’s not a lie when I say it. I do hate her. And I’m not ashamed of hating the person who tries to make home and school unbearable for me.
There are times my sister has needed help and I ignored it and did nothing. Which came up a couple of days ago because my parents wanted me to tutor my sister in math. She always struggled with Math but now she’s failing it and they want me to help her so she doesn’t end up failing math all the way through high school.
But I refused. I told them I would take them punishing me over helping her. My parents brought up how I never help my sister and how she might bully me sometimes but we’re sisters and we should love each other and as the older sister I should try to help when I can.
I told them I’d take being punished. They told me I was being so stubborn and they’ve been mad the last couple of days.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your sister has set several traps along the way to prevent any chance of you two getting along, and unfortunately, all attempts to fix things between you have failed. It’s totally understandable that, by now, you wouldn’t want to interact with her, even for schoolwork.
There’s also the chance that if you agree to help her, she might purposely fail math and try to blame you for sabotaging her, leading your parents to punish you for ‘hurting’ your sister. Honestly, the relationship between you two is quite toxic, and the healthiest thing for you is to gradually start cutting ties.
Family trees can be pruned too.” Doc_HW
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s your parents’ job to help foster a healthy relationship between siblings. Your parents not punishing your sister for her bullying is actively encouraging her to do so. Is It wrong of her to bully you the way she does?
Absolutely. She just might not have a full understanding of the damage she’s causing at those young ages if your parents are thinking it’s just normal, and teaching that. That doesn’t mean you have to take it either. You should be allowed to say no. It’s more than likely it’s just gonna give her another opportunity to treat you badly some more.
It’s clear your parents need to step in before this rift is irreversible, though you already likely know this. Keep standing up for yourself, make boundaries. At 16 (and being the older sibling) this is gonna feel like your relationship with your sister is fully your responsibility and on your shoulders.
And it’s not. Keep standing up for yourself. Hold your boundaries. I really hope the best for you.” Best-Error500
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. First, you don’t owe your sister favors purely because she is your sister. If the whole “family should help family and love each other no matter what” notion applies to tutoring her in math, it should also apply to getting her to treat you with respect to begin with.
Siblings don’t have to like each other, but they shouldn’t be sworn enemies that bully each other. And being older does not in any way mean that you should be expected to take this behavior from her or that she should be given a free pass just for being younger.
Especially since she’s only a year younger, so we can’t even pretend that she isn’t old enough to know better. This isn’t a 5-year-old throwing a tantrum at a 15-year-old.
Anyway, continuing with the theme of familial duty, your parents failed it. They should have put a stop to your sister’s bullying years ago.
But they seem to have pulled the age-old card of “it’s easier to give her what she wants than to actually put in any effort to change things”. If they want to talk about familial duty, they should preach to themselves in a mirror and ask why they have allowed one child to be a bully and have forced the other child to live with their bully.
Second, just because you aren’t failing in math doesn’t mean you are qualified to tutor your sister. There are ways to get help for a failing student, such as staying after school, hiring an actual tutor, or taking online courses. Forcing another student (you) to agonizingly go over her homework with her isn’t the way to handle this.
Third, let’s not pretend she would even listen to your tutoring. She can’t stand you and is more likely to snub everything you say than to actually absorb any math lessons from you. So even if you wanted to help her, it’s unlikely that you could.
She would have to actually want your help.” Fluffy_Sheepy
9. AITJ For Refusing To Move To Japan With My Parents?
“A couple of months ago I (F18) turned eighteen and finished my school here in Germany. Basically not even a couple of weeks after my parents (F44/M48) revealed to me that they want to move to Japan and I should come with them.
Little backstory, my dad met my mother in his 20s in Japan on a business trip (she’s Japanese) and a couple of years later, he met her randomly again on vacation in the US. Since then they have been together.
I told my parents that I do not want to move to Japan because it would basically be a restart to my life and in this important time period in my life where the next big steps are happening, I will need them, my friends, and a familiar place.
That started a huge fight and they started to complain that they did everything for me all my life and stayed in Germany because of me and that I’m being ungrateful for making it such a trouble to pursue their plans. Also, they told me, if I don’t go with them, they will be super disappointed and will not support me if I stay in Germany.
I told them I need a couple of days to think about it. Now I don’t know what to do and I’m scared to stay alone here because I really don’t want to go, but I do not want to lose them either.
Am I really the problem here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Don’t let your parents guilt you into moving. “They started to complain that they did everything for me all my life and stayed in Germany because of me and that I’m being ungrateful for making it such a trouble to pursue their plans.” THEY chose to have a child, you didn’t choose to be born.
They are morally and legally obligated to take care of you until you’re an adult and even then many parents will still be there for their kid. If you are financially independent and able to take care of yourself, you’re not stopping them from going to Japan.” DJ_Too_Supreme_AITA
Another User Comments:
“Well everyone saying OP’s NTJ – OP doesn’t want to stay by herself. We can’t in one breath say OP’s an adult and can do what she wants but in another breath, her parents (who are also adults) should stay. Everyone’s a jerk here – OP everyone’s right that you are an adult and should do what works for you.
Your choices are (1) go with your parents and be fully supported or (2) stay in Germany and grow up emotionally (I left my home country and went to study in another country all by myself at 18). However, option 2 also comes with the risk that you lose financial support.
What I will say is that if you pressure your parents for them to stay in Germany so you won’t be afraid – they may double down on you going with them. I can see them thinking you can’t handle living alone but you are 18 and they deserve to relocate if they want to.” Kami_Sang
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. No, you shouldn’t give up college to move to your mom’s home country, especially when you don’t know if you’d be eligible for college or university there, or if you can handle college in a different language.
It is quite odd that your parents made these plans without discussing them with you, and that they are threatening you if you don’t go. It is normal for you to be scared of launching into adulthood, independence, and self-sufficiency, everyone’s a little anxious at this point in life.
I think you should ask look at this is it you were going away to college. In this case, you are staying for college while your parents move away. Try to speak to them calmly and find out what their concerns are about you staying for college.
Maybe they can’t afford 2 homes, and you can find cheaper student housing and a part-time job.” Internal_Home_9483
8. AITJ For Snapping At A Family Friend For Constantly Asking About My Childbearing Plans?
“I’m a 34F who has been in a long-time relationship with a 37M (11y, 6 married).
I live abroad and when I’m back home and meet some family & friends, I am questioned by quite a few people as to when I (we) will be having children. I usually just politely smile, laugh it off show a picture of my beautiful cat, and say: “What for?
I already have a cat”.
Recently, when I visited (due to my grandad’s death, who practically raised me), after a total of 12 people asking me (some even during the funeral festivities) I snapped.
Her question was not even the typical “So, when are the babies coming” but: “So, I see no children yet, will you just settle as an auntie?”
It was a family friend, who I actually like. She is young (45) and has two children.
Instead of smiling and doing yet again my cat comment, I snapped:
Please, do not ask me or anyone this question.
What if I just had a spontaneous miscarriage 3 weeks ago?
What if we’ve been trying for the past 8 years with no success?
What if my husband had cancer twice as a child and was left sterile?
What if we have spent all of our savings on treatments and are no longer able to pay for them + no longer be accepted in adoption lists because we spent all of our money?
What if we just don’t want to?
What if we just gave up after 4 non-viable pregnancies and a devastating depression?
I know you do not mean ill, but PLEASE, stop asking this question.
She was left speechless. I did not yell at her nor raise my voice, but we were in public.
My grandma, uncle, husband, her husband, 3 other friends, and 1 of her children were present. This was after the funeral.
From the examples above, one applies to me, all of the rest are real situations some of my personal friends, work colleagues, and other women and couples I know have gone through.
For a moment, I felt free. I felt that I had to say it, and I think I did express well a wide range of realistic situations we could be in, because all of them are real. But now the realization of all is settling in and I have a weird feeling about it.
I feel uneasy.
I think that she is just uneducated or oblivious, maybe just ignorant. I am afraid this has scarred our relationship and any future meetings will be uncomfortable. I might have dumped all my rage on her and that she did not really deserve it.
I had a few comments following this.
My grandma just feels sad for both, she says that I should have just let it slide, but she does know what our situation is and somehow understands where I came from.
My uncle is quite mad and says I should not have spoken to a friend this way.
My husband supports me.
The other people did not dare say anything (yet).
50% of me feels free. Relieved somehow thinking I might have educated her and the rest of the people present, and therefore other people in my situation will be spared the question. 50% of me feels guilty.
Very very guilty for not letting it slide.”
Another User Comments:
“Absolutely NTJ. When will people realize that one’s fertility decisions are private? Especially at a funeral! I used to work a customer service job and people would ask if I’m married and/or have kids all the time.
Strangers, not just regular customers. It continually blew my mind. Like, will this pack of gum taste better if I’m married with kids? Would my asexuality sour the milk you just bought? Any other personal information you need for this transaction to happen? How often I shave my legs?
Rarely. In order to have peace, I had to make up a husband (who was a mechanic btw) and I used my friend’s kids as a template for “my son and daughter” lie. Ironically, my family has never had issues with my choices, they’ve known me a long time.” grandmabrouhaha
Another User Comments:
“Okay, okay, so hear me out! I am going with no jerks here. And I say this because she really did just get the bomb dropped on her! Lol. I’m not saying that it wasn’t a well-deserved bomb. However, it might not have been so explosive.
Had it not been for EVERYONE ELSE, up to that point, asking you a much more intrusive question, “So, when you plan on poppin’ out those bay-bays!???” It did not matter what the context of her question was meant to be. You were ready to explode.
And explode you did. It was just one too many times! One too many times when someone just got entirely too personal and it was too much. I get it. I honestly wish I could have seen the look on her face!” Medusa-1701
Another User Comments:
“NTJ it’s one thing to ask someone you don’t know well whether they have children (that’s a normal part of small talk), or someone you’re starting to see what their intentions are (which is important info that you need), but quite another to ask someone who you well know does not have children – so, like what’s up with that, you like normal or what?
Which is effectively what this question is asking i.e. I’ve used my amazing deductive reasoning to notice that you don’t yet have children, I feel that’s weird and feel entitled to an explanation from you about it (let’s be honest it’s because they assume this because of a choice on your part that they also feel entitled to have an opinion about).
Anyone who has two brain cells to rub together knows that there are a plethora of traumas that might lurk beneath the surface of that topic that are absolutely none of their business. And frankly, they have no business in your reproductive junk either way.
It’s a rude question, even more so when repeated.” procrastinatorgirl
7. AITJ For Not Wanting My Husband's Family At Our Wedding Ceremony?
“I 33f don’t want my 39m husband’s family to come to our wedding ceremony anymore.
We are already married but eloped due to costs now we can finally afford a wedding ceremony and I don’t think I want one anymore.
I have had many ideas about my wedding plans over the years but the one non-negotiable thing is that I want my grandmother there.
The ceremony is going to be held out of state for my grandparents at their house (who would travel here but at 95 it’s too much on them and they don’t even leave the house anymore to minimize falls) and since telling his mother 65f she has been nothing but cold towards me.
I am covering the costs of the ceremony and all family and wedding party travel expenses. Even though all MIL has to do is be packed and outside the day of the trip (we offered to drive her to the airport from the beginning) she is making a huge deal about having to take time off.
We offered a flight with a return the next day so it would be a normal weekend and she wouldn’t lose any hours. She didn’t like that though so she told my husband’s brother that we were going to make her pay and that I was holding the wedding and her son hostage from her.
This caused an argument between hubby and his brother and now I’m so stressed I don’t want them there. That’s his whole family though he only has his mother and brother and I don’t feel like it would be right or fair without them.
I told my husband we could just have a small ceremony with my grandmother and a small one at home with his family which no one liked and now everyone’s mad at me and I feel like we are never going to get to celebrate with both our families.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Stop. Just stop. You are not responsible for how others feel, respond, or act. You have a very valid reason for doing what you are doing. Stop being emotional about it. Be calm and unrelenting. “Mom, I understand you have some reservations about coming.
Please do not feel any pressure. I want you to do what you are comfortable with. If you are coming, we will pick you up….(fill in details)….but again, it is up to you. With 95-year-old guests of honor, I get that it is not ideal, but again, no pressure.
You are going to be a part of our whole married life and many more moments. My grandparents, this is their last big one with me.” Then…your only answer is… “No pressure, it’s up to you” and walk away. Every time. She’ll get frustrated, but you stay calm and cool.” OhmsWay-71
Another User Comments:
“This is your husband’s mess to wrangle. He needs to tell her that whether she comes or not is entirely up to her but plans will not be changing. The fact that you’re paying for her tickets, offering a ticket home early to solve the time off issue, those are the compromises available and if those aren’t good enough, it’s on her.
He needs to tell her that if she doesn’t stop spreading lies, there will be consequences. The only one pushing your husband in any direction is her, she’s pushing him away with these antics. Maybe throw in she’s acting like a bad mom. Good moms would wade through glass to see their beloved child get married. NTJ.” Remote-Passenger7880
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Don’t try to soothe your MIL. I watched my bestie tie herself in knots planning the wedding ceremony after the elopement. Both families kicked up a stink about them eloping overseas, so she planned a gorgeous ceremony in her home state, and all her husband’s friends who complained about it didn’t go.
Her husband’s family has always treated her poorly, and her husband has stepped up to handle the communication and boundaries. But even after… I think it’s like 8 years now? His siblings don’t ever contact them, and his parents are still rude to her. She considered moving the ceremony to his hometown for them, and I’m so glad she did not.
It was gorgeous, but yeah, the MIL and SIL just complained about every little thing all day instead of enjoying it. So ignore them, have the ceremony YOU want with your lovely grandma. Enjoy the family who are happy to celebrate with you. MIL can stay home if she wants.
Next time she whines, hubby can offer to see if he can get a refund on her ticket since she doesn’t want to go. Tune her out, enjoy your hubby.” HungryMagpie
6. AITJ For Refusing To Give My Mother My Original Birth Certificate, Social Security Card, And Passport?
“When I moved out of my mom’s house, I took my birth certificate, Social Security card, and passport.
The passport I’ve had paid like $200 for recently. I asked her if she had my high school diploma and if I could have it so I could get back into school. She said that she would look, but she got really mad that I had my own birth certificate, Social Security card, and passport and said that they aren’t mine legally.
They are and I told her that. She says that I can get a copy but I can’t have the originals and I need to give them back.
I told her no. She’s more than welcome to get a copy but as for the originals, they are mine.
She doesn’t need them unless she’s trying to do fraudulent stuff. I told her if she can get me a copy that’s fine but I will not pay for it. I heard it’s a tricky process and I don’t want to do that because I have the originals anyway.
To sum it up, I ended up telling her I’m not going to give you my birth certificate, Social Security card, and passport especially the passport since I paid for it because she has no necessity or legal right to it.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You are an adult now and need your original documents. Contact your high school for copies of your records. I find it really weird that your mother insists on having all of your original documents and trying to say that they don’t belong to you.
They do. Is there any chance she would be up to anything nefarious, like opening credit in your name? Or does she think you’re too irresponsible to hold on to your own documents?” Icy_Department_1423
Another User Comments:
“You don’t give your age but your mom is absolutely wrong.
Those documents are YOURS — and under no circumstances should you return them. Is there a trusted adult you can talk to or a school counselor who can walk you through how to lock down your credit with all three credit bureaus? If you have any sort of bank account with your mom’s name on it I’d recommend withdrawing all of the money and getting a separate account.
I know she’s your mom but that sounds sketchy and I’ve heard stories of parents stealing their children’s identities to commit credit fraud. Do not give your mom the originals even if she gets a copy. NTJ.” celticmusebooks
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. 1. Your BC IS a copy already.
The original is kept in the county clerk’s office. 2. Your SS card is yours legally, never hers. Tell her to check with the Social Security Administration. It was yours the moment they issued it. She kept it safe for you, but it was never HERS.
3. Your passport is actually owned by the US government (assuming you are a US citizen, but I believe the rules are the same across the globe). They give it to you to use, but it must be returned to the US Gov upon request. You paid for it to be created and given to you.
That’s it. 4. Your diploma is yours. I don’t know who you’d contact to get a copy. She is not entitled to a copy of anything. You are an adult. Tell her to kick rocks.” sugarlump858
5. AITJ For Choosing To Room With A New Friend At College Instead Of My Sister?
“I (17F) am currently in the process of getting my life prepared for my freshman year of college. I have been accepted to my preferred university and have been on the lookout for a good roommate. My older sister (18F) is currently a freshman at the college that I plan to attend.
I, of course, am a huge fan of this as I love my sister and am glad to have close family at college.
Now a little backstory on my older sister. She’s always been introverted and kinda stayed in her own bubble. She likes her space and she stays in it.
She’s been at college for about a semester now and she’s come home almost every weekend, I’ve always just assumed she preferred being at home. When I was looking for a roommate my mom suggested that I think about rooming with my older sister as it would be better for the family.
All of my family (mom, dad, stepmom, and grandparents) agree with this and think that it’s better to room with my sister. I originally was not against this idea, but I did let my sister know that I hadn’t completely decided.
A few weeks ago I started to get in contact with other people going to my college.
I met this one girl and we really clicked. We have the same vibes and agree about decorations and environment in the dorm, we are also both rushing in the fall. I personally would prefer to live with someone who’s going through the same experience as being a freshman and both rushing.
Now once I told my family about this decision they all seemed strongly against it, thinking I’m selfish for not wanting to room with my sister. Now my sister herself has told me she doesn’t mind either way. My dad has expressed that he’s worried about my sister and thinks that she isn’t having the “college experience” and since I am more extroverted to help push her out of her shell by rooming with her.
I think that I can still do that but also have my own space with a different roommate. AITJ for wanting to meet new people and not rooming with her?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Ask Dad, “So none of you care what my college experience will be like as long as I’m sister’s emotional support person?
You had years to work on trying to help her become more outgoing but since you all dropped the ball you want to push your responsibility off onto me, her younger sister, thereby ruining my college experience. Try caring about more than one child. I was undecided before but this has shown me that I will not be rooming with my sister.
Just because sister’s college experience isn’t what you want for her doesn’t mean it isn’t what she wants for herself. She needs to grow into her own person without me telling her which way it should be.”” wlfwrtr
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, I went through the same situation and ended up living with my older sister.
We both have a close relationship so I didn’t mind, but I had to break the lease that I signed up for since my sister didn’t register in time for a dorm. I have lived with her since my freshman year and now I am a senior and I would honestly say don’t.
When starting college you find your friends, make mistakes, and try different things. I think you should explain to your parents that she doesn’t mind not rooming with you and that you want to room with a new friend. That you want to find out the people you want to be friends with and then invite your sister if she wants to join from time to time.
I love saying this to my parents. “We are not the same person we are two separate people who need to figure out things in our own way.” If the roommate does turn out to bad decision be prepared for your family to say “I told you so” but take responsibility and say at least now you know and will learn from the mistake.” Equivalent-Print-195
Another User Comments:
“Why does your dad think your sister needs ‘the college experience’? Not everyone wants it, and it sounds like your sister isn’t that interested in that aspect of college. Perhaps she *gasp* just wants to learn and not worry about the rest. Maybe rooming with you might push her into a way of living she isn’t interested in.
This is not to throw shade on you, what you want to do is perfectly valid, but it doesn’t align with your sister’s preferred way of life. I’m an introvert myself and am happy that way. I would not be happy to room with an extrovert who had things and people coming and going constantly.
Nothing wrong with that, but it’s not me. I also think it’s unfair of your dad to ignore your own wish for the ‘college experience’. Surely he realizes being a ‘babysitter’ to your sister will change that for you?” regus0307
4. AITJ For Not Taking My Stepsister To A Party Because I Had Work?
“My mom died when I (17m) was 7. My brother was 6. When we were 10 and 11 our dad remarried. My dad’s wife came with three daughters. Her youngest is a half-sister to the two older ones. The older two are 16 and 14. Her youngest is 9. My dad and his wife also have a 4 and a 2-year-old together.
So one thing that I should mention is my dad’s wife lost her first husband, the dad of the older two. Her youngest was conceived not long after her husband’s death. The dad of her youngest didn’t want to know. And the girls never forgave her or got over her doing that so fast and they hate my youngest stepsister.
My brother and I don’t hate anyone. But being honest I see him differently from the steps and halfs. I love my brother. I’d say he’s my real sibling while the others are steps and halfs. I guess I’d say I’m mostly indifferent to them.
I don’t dislike them but I don’t have their back always like I do for him. He’s pretty much the same. Older steps don’t like any of the rest of us and are hostile. The youngest step really wants her older sisters to love her.
She doesn’t really notice the rest of us. But it’s very easy to see it breaks her heart when the other two want nothing to do with her and they treat her like she’s disgusting. The youngest two are really little but will play together.
My dad and his wife had this dream that we’d be a way closer family unit and that we’d be more like an actual family than we are. Dad has talked to me about being the person who brings us all together as the oldest in the family.
He told me I have such a good relationship with my brother and he wants us to have the same with the others. He asked me like a year ago if I didn’t want that and I said no. Which made him interact with me differently.
This all brings us to yesterday. Youngest stepsister was supposed to be going to a birthday party. Dad was already at work. His wife was really sick. I had work too but in the past, I called and said I’d be late to do something for my brother.
My boss is cool with stuff like that. Oldest stepsister was going to a friend’s house and was passing the house the party was at. But she refused to take youngest stepsister. She left while her mom was trying to get her to take her.
Middle stepsister also refused and left the house as well. My brother wasn’t home and I left for work while dad’s wife was comforting youngest stepsister, who was upset my other stepsisters wouldn’t take her.
When I got home last night Dad called me a jerk and he told me I could have taken her and if she was my brother I would have called to be late to work and taken him.
He told me I had the chance to really reach out and create a bond between me and her and I didn’t and showed him that I will always have a favorite and never try to hide it. He told me he’s sick of the two of us sticking by each other but not doing the same for the others.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But only on a technicality. You have every right to value your brother over others. And you had every right to just go to work, you are not a parent and shouldn’t have to sacrifice for a child. However, this is now shining a light on the character you are forming for yourself.
You are watching a little girl being bullied for things out of her control. Your response is to turn a blind eye and in action, treat her the same way. That is the kind of person you are becoming, is that the kind of person you want to be?
I am not saying you should be responsible for her or that you should try to force her to be your sister. What I’m saying, is if the positions were reversed, how would you want someone to respond to your suffering?” CareyAHHH
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Are there any consequences to the older two step-siblings for refusing to take her? Your dad is coming down on you for having a valid reason (even if your boss is OK with it) then the other two should get the same lecture. This whole idea that you’re the one to bring the family together is ridiculous because there’s no way your step sisters are ever going to go along with it.
Dad needs to pull his head out of his butt and recognize the reality he lives in and not this made-up fantasy.” booboo773
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your dad is trying to force you into “making up” for his wife’s failure to effectively deal with her older daughters’ resentment for their “affair child” sibling.
How do a 14 and 16-year-old have the resources to go out and ignore their mom? There has been and continues to be a severe lack of support and parenting to help the older girls process their complicated feelings of grief for their dad and betrayal of his memory by their mom’s having a child by another man so shortly after his death.
This grief, resentment, feelings their dad wasn’t properly grieved, and lack of preparation and support as new siblings arrived haven’t been acknowledged or supported by their mom for nearly a decade. The older daughters are suffering. What therapy or other support have they had? I think your dad joined stepmom in ignoring and invalidating the very valid and real emotional complications and pain their choices caused to their children.
That is their pattern. They are trying to parentify you into giving the 9-year-old the support they are not. An adult could easily arrange for the parent of another child attending the party to transport your sister as well. Instead, they tried to shift their responsibility onto you.
Rather than address and treat the damage their selfishness and emotional neglect of their children has caused, they see “nicer” you as their resource to patch up the rifts in the sibling relationships. There is nothing inappropriately “selfish” or wrong about your feelings for your brother and the other children in the household, your priorities nor your boundaries.” curiousity60
3. AITJ For Expecting To Be Included In My Partner's Daughter's Disney Trip?
“My partner and I have been together for 2 years. We live together. We both have kids. I have mine 24/7. He has his daughter every other weekend. Sometimes his daughter stays with me for her entire school break while dad works. When we got together we agreed that we would treat each other’s kids as our own.
I try to be involved as much as I can but try not to overstep as he co-parents with his ex. I haven’t met his ex yet. I haven’t asked to meet her and neither has she. At this point in our relationship, I assume that I’m his family.
Yet he keeps me separate from his daughter when it comes to sports, birthday parties, etc. He never invites me, only says “I have this going on for my daughter” & is on his way. I’ve always respected it, never questioned it, and remained in the background.
3 months ago he mentioned he would work OT or a 2nd job to save up for Disney for his daughter’s birthday. He never invited me, he only mentioned it. I assumed eventually he’d tell me more and invite me but he didn’t & I never brought it up.
A few weeks later we had a BBQ with friends at our house. 1 of our friends overheard he had a Disney trip planned for his daughter’s birthday without me. She told him he should take me and give me my place as his future wife in his family.
I joked and said “he didn’t invite me because his ex doesn’t want me there” and he avoided the comment. All he said was “it’s going to be my ex’s 1st time going to Disney, she’s never been there.” I let it be and moved on from it.
2 months later he brought it up again, I asked questions like who’s all going, etc. He said his daughter, both his parents, and his ex are going. I said ok. He brought it up again, and this time he mentioned a friend of his ex was going, & that made me feel some type of way but I let it be out of respect for his daughter.
He talked about it again today and said he wants to go fish out there, and plans to stay longer with his dad. While his mom, daughter, his ex, and ex’s friend will come back sooner. I then said “oh more people going?” He said yes, & that his ex’s sister and partner would be meeting them up there.
I couldn’t stay quiet any longer & asked him why wasn’t I invited? Since there seem to be a lot more people going? And he told me he asked his ex if I could go & she said no, I asked why did she say no, & he said she just said no & she doesn’t want to meet you.
It hurt my feelings, and I told him it’s very messed up for him to exclude me if he wanted me to be there, that his ex should suck it up, and that if he really wanted me there he should have stood up to her and let her know what he wanted. I understand it’s his daughter’s birthday trip and it’s about her, but I just felt excluded from something important in his life that I wanted to be a part of.
I guess I was wrong to assume I’d be included and now he is mad at me because I made it a big deal & is saying he won’t go. He should still go, all I wanted was to know why he didn’t invite me.
Now I feel horrible and wondering if I crossed the line with voicing my feelings.”
Another User Comments:
“I have to ask, who owns or pays rent for the home in which you live? I’m guessing that with the custody arrangement, he has to pay a significant sum in child support.
Does this mean you pay the bulk or all of the household bills and he just pays his car note, insurance and cell, and the odd bag of chips? I find it exceptionally strange that he would be going on a holiday with the whole of his ex’s immediate and extended family.
Honestly, who would be comfortable in a situation like that? I truly get the feeling that he would reignite his relationship with his ex (if he hasn’t already) and is just using you as a cheap (or free) place to stay and a friend-with-benefits thing.
Who does the majority of the childcare when she’s with you? Do you do all the laundry, food prep, and running around after her? It’s all well and good that she has an opinion on it but the fact he won’t allegedly stand up for you in any way, shape or form makes me think that you are just a tool to him.
I get that you are not the child’s mother (nor do you want to be) and that you have no legal responsibility for her but to expect on the one hand you to house her when it’s his turn and then dismiss your very existence when it’s not should be a concern for you.
Don’t forget, you’ve never met the woman so you have absolutely no idea what she has actually said to him about you only what he says she said. I suspect he’s said you’re just a roommate and possibly that you have a crush on him but it’s not reciprocated. I believe he’s spinning you a yarn, taking advantage of you financially, and would leave you if his ex so much as crooked her finger toward him.
NTJ but you really need to find out the truth.” East_Parking8340
Another User Comments:
“End it with him. Immediately. He is not committed to you, you’re just convenient for him because you babysit his kid for him. He’s going on an entire extended family trip with his ex.
I’m actually embarrassed for you. I’d be humiliated. Especially at how secretive he is while taking $$$ out of your household. Yeah, you watch his daughter so he can work OT to go play happy family with his ex. “Sometimes his daughter stays with me for her entire school break while dad works.” No. He tricked you.
Every other weekend and he is still leaving her with you.” slendermanismydad
Another User Comments:
“YTJ in this. It seems like you’re more interested in living a blended family fantasy than seeing the reality in front of you. You assume you’re his “family” at this point in the relationship but is this how people are treated in your family?
If I am reading this right you have never been involved in any celebration of this child that their mother attends yet your friends claim you’re his future wife? Why is marriage even on the table when you have yet to be included in the entirety of your partner’s life?
How can you be an effective step-parent never having met or engaged with this child’s mother? This whole dynamic seems like he gets all the benefit and you get all the emotional labor and you’re free child care. What’s his relationship with your kids? Is he playing at stepdad with them?
Does he not go to their celebrations?” rocklandguy324
2. AITJ For Not Inviting My Friend's Wife To Our Concert Night?
“I just scored awesome concert tickets! A friend of mine (both of us M) and I have been going to a few concerts a year for a while now.
We don’t go to sporting events, and concerts are kinda our thing for entertainment. I bought 3 tickets today. A big deal for us, as we love this kinda show, and I scored awesome seats.
The third ticket is intended for a different friend. Friend #3 has had a rough year taking care of his wife and kids.
His wife got diagnosed with some rare disease, more likely from her major drinking problem than genetic. Still, it’s a mystery, kinda how and why. But she was pretty messed up all year. Hardly able to help with kids, zero help with bills and chores.
She is doing a lot better now, but still no job no help. Everyone feels bad for the guy because he really is an upright guy and tries so darn hard. So, I got him a ticket and asked if he wanted to join along.
You know, get away from the wives and kids and see the show! He was super stoked and said yes.
Then later today tells me he got permission from his wife but she wants to join along. Aside from being a medical hazard she is pretty nosy and not generally chill.
And I only have 3 tickets. Am I the jerk for telling him it’s a bro event, and putting him in the potentially rough spot of having to tell her we don’t want her there?”
Another User Comments:
“You’re NTJ but you have to be sure your brain doesn’t say the quiet part out loud!!
You would be a jerk if you explicitly told Man3 you don’t want his wife to join you. The facts are; you and Man2 always go to concerts together, and you always buy two tickets. This concert, you got three tickets because Man3 is a mate who you want to treat to a night out.
You tell Man3 you only got one ticket for him because you wanted a bros night and you hope he can come and that’s the end of the story. The emotions, the reason why you decided Man3 would make good company, are irrelevant. Sure, they helped you make your choice, but that’s your internal voice.
It does not need to be verbalized!” DgShwgrl
Another User Comments:
“”I only have 3 tickets, man. You, friend 2, and me. I was hoping this could just be a guys’ night. Maybe we can all get together on X-date for lunch or dinner with the whole family?
Or if she wants to have a day/night with her friends, my wife and I could have the kids over for a sleepover (of course talk to your wife first) and you could get some chill time at home too… I know you’ve been really stressed lately.
Or you 2 could just have a night alone together.” I certainly hope you didn’t already tell him you don’t want his wife to come. If so YTJ. If not, no jerks here. He’s your friend. They come as a package deal. That doesn’t mean you can’t have a get-together for the guys only, but it also means you need to tolerate her sometimes.
He probably already knows you guys don’t like her and feels stuck in his marriage now that they have kids and she now has this possible consequence of her own actions that he feels he needs to stick with her through (sickness & health and that stuff).
She probably knows you guys don’t like her too. If you honestly offer to take the kids for a night and intend to follow through (not leave all the work to your wife), you might have better luck getting your night out with the boys.” stefaniki
Another User Comments:
“Just tell him “This is a guy’s night, none of our wives are coming – and in any case, I’ve only got three tickets, one each for me, you, and friend2. If you and your wife want to get two tickets together, let me know ASAP so I can find someone to use my third ticket”.
Give a generic reason for not inviting her – it’s a bro event, she’s not being excluded because she’s not chill – and also a practical one – you’ve got three tickets, and two are already given to other people. NTJ.” SavingsRhubarb8746
1. AITJ For Standing Up To My Fiancé's Stepmother About Our Wedding Plans?
“My fiancé (27m) and I (26f) are engaged and right now we’re still planning our wedding. I’m walking down the aisle with my two brothers since our parents both sadly passed and my fiancé wants to have his older sisters walk him since he doesn’t see why we both can’t walk.
And he wanted to include them as much as possible. He also wants to dance with them during our reception.
His dad’s wife discovered this and wanted to be the one walking him down the aisle and dancing with him. But my fiancé, and both of his sisters actually, have not got the best relationship with this woman.
While their relationship with their dad is pretty okay, not very close but not super distant either, his wife is another story. My fiancé first met her when he was 10 and his sisters were 13 and 15. Their mom died a year earlier, and their dad’s decision to remarry that fast did add some strain to their relationship because they don’t feel like he considered them at all.
When my fiancé met her he thought she was okay but by the time the wedding was approaching, he realized she wanted to be more of a mother to him.
She wanted the girls as her bridesmaids and my fiancé “her son” to walk her down the aisle.
None of them wanted to do this. After the wedding, when she wanted my fiancé to allow her to step into the role of mother for him, it grew more tense and unfriendly. My fiancé felt like she forced the issue too much. She felt like he should have been more accepting of a second mother in his life.
The tension grew when she realized she was truly not even seen as second best by him but was not seen as anything beyond his dad’s wife.
His dad’s wife already requested he let her walk him and dance. He clearly said no. There was a fight over her feeling like his mother and him laying down the fact he has never considered her to be anything of a mother to him.
When she couldn’t get through to him, she tried to go through me. Using the fact I was adopted and my parents adopted me to do this. She told me I know all about blood not meaning parent. Which is true, I do. My fiancé doesn’t feel this way because his mom was biologically related to him.
But because she was there for him and she was the one who raised him. Which is how I feel about my parents and it’s a whole thing.
I told her it was my fiancé’s decision and I would not force him to do anything he didn’t want to.
She told me for the future of my future family I must and I should as a woman who has no genetic family. This got under my skin and I told her that she is not winning any points with me by talking to me like that and that I would never betray my fiancé for her.
I also told her she needed to back off and accept that she does not have a place in their hearts and forcing herself onto them will not help. She was furious with me and called me a bad daughter-in-law. Then she texted me about it afterward and told me I owe her an apology.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This woman is a bully and has forced her way into this family during a traumatic time. She is overbearing when she doesn’t get her way. You and your fiancé need a united front at all times with this woman and firm boundaries.
“No” is a complete sentence. Don’t engage with people like this. I assure you, anything you say can and will be used against you. When it comes to your fiancé’s relationship with the stepmom, don’t get in the middle. “I’m sorry, you’ll need to take this up with my fiancé.” But… “I’m sorry, no.” And you and your future husband would be wise to read up on dealing with overbearing people.
This behavior will continue unless you stomp it out. Good luck and congrats on your pending nuptials. Be prepared to eject her from your wedding if she starts acting out.” National_Pension_110
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She owes you an apology. But I’d like to know what the father said or did all those years: did he promise her that his children would be her children?
Did he promise because he didn’t want more children but she wanted them? And if he didn’t, it seems that he never gave limits to her about his children. She has the feeling to BE the mother and to have a more important part in the children’s life than they could give her.
And what she told you, before and after your reaction, shows that she feels entitled to everyone’s life and decisions. You are not a bad DIL, you are a very good fiancée. You do your best for your fiancé and you don’t have to please this woman.
Time for her to realize also that the children are adults and they make their own decisions. Next step: explain that she is not a mother to your fiancé so… she won’t be a grandmother to your children. I had that problem with MIL’s husband (she met him when my husband was 26) and it was really a hard period.
And sometimes he still tries to place himself as a grandfather but now my children are old enough to tell who is who for them… Good luck and congratulations.” Lyzab77
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She sounds like a vulture for affection. I don’t know why people think they should be invited to do things, regardless.
I realize tradition has dad walk daughter down the aisle, but that is a tradition to be broken. My DIL had her mom and I walk down the aisle and light candles before the bride came in, my daughter had my dad and herself walk her down the aisle.
My niece had her brother walk her down the aisle; it isn’t so much “giving the bride away” as it is symbolic of VIP in the life of the bride or groom. I think it is wonderful that your partner wants his sisters to walk him.
It is sweet. Being adopted really has nothing to do with it; it is how HE feels that has EVERYTHING to do with it.” PickleNotaBigDill
