People Lose Respect In These 'Am I The Jerk?' Stories
19. AITJ For Wanting My Nonbinary Cousin To Maintain Hygiene At My Wedding?
“My (F37) wedding is a formal affair to be held at Christmastime at our country’s largest and grandest cathedral. Despite this, the wedding is a small-ish family affair with some friends and obligatory work people (my boss) invited.
Our theme is the formal national dress of our country. This means a shirt called barong for the men, and a conservative long dress for the women. There is no color prescribed, and the ladies could wear white/off-white if their formal wear is that color because the national dress for women often comes in those colors.
I have a cousin who identifies as nonbinary. They are 19, and very deeply introverted. I asked them if it would be ok if they would not be part of the bridal party since our cathedral rites are very conservative. They said not sure they would rather be and besides, the last time they were asked to be in the bridal party for another relative’s church wedding, they did not enjoy it.
So I said cool, they will be my honored guest.
I asked what they were comfortable wearing since this was a formal event, and they answered, anything that was not a girly girl dress. I understood and I offered a very nice pair of dressy trousers and that we would look online for nice loose blouses/shirts that would be dressy enough.
We are still looking right now.
I am also buying some of my other male relatives’ formal top wear but my budget is so limited at this point so they have to take care of the bottom part since I cannot buy that too. They all agreed that that is fair because they get to keep the top.
Now my nonbinary cousin does not have the best hygiene. During our grandmother’s 80th birthday at another formal event, they….. neglected to comb their hair or brush their teeth to the point that I could see the remnants of her breakfast, let alone smell it.
I want to tell them that gender expression and identity are one thing that one can freely decide on. But events are another thing. One has to brush one’s teeth, iron clothes, or at least make sure they are presentable, and for the love of everything holy please take a bath and wear deodorant.
They have problems at home, everything from financial to self-esteem issues to basically their parents giving up on them because they refuse to talk. I don’t know how deep the problems are. But I know their house has two showers and that despite being poor their father and mother regularly buy soap and other essentials.
The enforcement is the one that is lacking I think.
I’ve purchased most of my cousins/entourage’s clothes, and some are still pending shipping. Once they are all there, I plan to put them in nice bags and add a thank you card.
Would I be the jerk/how can I avoid being the jerk if I tell my cousin to please use the hygiene kit included in their clothes? Is it a good idea to sneak in some deodorant and an array of soaps in the wedding clothes pack?
For reference I am F37, identified as semi-religious. My future husband (M40) and I chose the great cathedral as our wedding venue because that place was significant to us both when we were both in college long ago, and it looks prettiest at Christmastime.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, I agree with the comment that says your cousin is likely struggling with their mental health, which impacts their self-care. Instead of bringing it up yourself I might just talk about the situation with your aunt and uncle, let them bring it up, and make sure your cousin is properly bathed and put together for the wedding” Fragrant-Somewhere-1
Another User Comments:
“I don’t know that the usual NTJ/YTJ/ESH judgments apply here. This is a tricky situation with a lot of nuance. It sounds to me like your cousin is perhaps depressed. Failing to engage in self-care is part of depression.
If you tell your cousin “Please clean yourself up before coming to the wedding” that might backfire. But why not just inquire about their mental and physical health for its own sake, and not just because you’re concerned about appearances at the wedding? Show your cousin that you care about their well-being.
Mention the hygiene thing but not because you’re worried about them embarrassing you (though you clearly are) and instead mention it as a sign you’re concerned about how they’re doing and ask if there’s anything you can do to help. That may not only help achieve your self-interested goal of how everyone looks and acts at the wedding (a goal which honestly I don’t care for) but also would potentially genuinely help your cousin, and that does seem like something you also want which is good of you.” cascadia1979
18. AITJ For Prioritizing My Trading Card Game Hobby Over Family Time?
“When I was younger I used to love going to local game shops and playing trading card games.
I also liked to travel and play at the larger weekend tournaments and considered myself fairly competitive. Over time and a couple of moves across the country, I stopped playing them just because I didn’t have a group to play with. Now my wife [F32] and I have 3 kids aged 2, 4, and 5.
I work from home and she is staying at home as well.
About a year ago I made a friend who has started to invite me to play trading card games at a local shop again. We play almost every week on Monday and I leave the house at 4:30ish and get back anytime between 10-12.
Every 3 months they have competitive events that take place month-long on the weekends at different shops so if I have the day free I will go play those which takes about 6-7 hours, ending around 5 PM. For instance, in July I was able to attend 5 of the 8 weekend days (I missed the other 3 due to birthday parties and other family events).
Also roughly once a year there is a major convention nearby for the game where you can go play in a large-scale tournament. I attended the last one and was gone Friday morning and came home late Sunday.
Recently my wife has been saying that I play too much and that my family isn’t a priority to me anymore.
I don’t feel like asking to play once a week, every three months on weekends (schedule permitting), and once a year when a large-scale tournament is close is too much. The game is the only thing I leave the house to go do with anyone and is my only real hobby that takes up time outside the house away from the family.
I feel like part of the issue is my wife never goes out to do anything. I always tell her to please go out with friends and do something fun but she never arranges any plans. I am more than happy to watch the kids feed them and put them to bed if she wants to go out and do something.
The only thing she will do on occasion is go shopping with her mom. I’ve even told her she could plan a weekend trip to get away with friends if she wanted. In the past, as a surprise, I canceled my plans and planned something for her to do without the kids so she could go have a fun night while I stayed home with the kids.
Is it unreasonable for me to ask to play my trading card game as much as I have been? In my mind, I don’t think it is because if roles were reversed and she was going out with friends or doing her hobbies as often as I have been I would be fine with it.
I feel like her main issue with it is that she never goes to do anything outside of the house for a break and I am not sure what else I can do to prompt her to do that. I want us to both be able to have outings and hobbies that we enjoy and love whereas I feel like she would rather us both just stay home all the time.”
Another User Comments:
“I’m going No jerks here. Having a once a once-a-week outing doesn’t seem unreasonable as long as you’re making sure your wife gets an equal amount of time off, whether she goes out or not. Given how young your kids are, she may be too tired to go out for hours at a time though, especially since she’d have to plan her outings instead of just showing up to a regular event.
But there’s no reason you couldn’t have a Monday game night and then take over all the child care every Tuesday from 4:30 until bedtime so she could take a bubble bath and put on a movie. Those three-month tournaments are too much for someone with young children.
Your wife is prioritizing housework and child care every weekday already, and now you’re making her go it alone for a whole month’s worth of weekends unless there’s a family event? That’s going to lead to trouble. Are you making time for date nights? And are you doing a fair chunk of the childcare on the nights that you’re home?
Because at the end of the day, your wife is telling you that she’s struggling with this situation. It’d be best for you both to find some compromise.” Kara Vasa
Another User Comments:
“YTJ: This is a bit excessive if you have a family. 5 out of 8 weekend days AND all Monday evenings is too much.
Hobbies are good! I play D&D myself which is a time suck, but you went a little too far here with 3 little ones at home. I think your weekly game and yearly con are fair game, but you can’t miss that many weekend days that often with 3 5 and under. ” Rtarara
Another User Comments:
“While the month-long tournament is probably a bit too much I’m going to say NTJ because if this is legit the only activity you do outside of your home it’s a necessity. While family should be your number one priority it shouldn’t be your entire identity.
You need to be your person as well. Hopefully, your wife can find something she enjoys because this won’t end well if she continues the path of always being home. She will continue to resent you every time you leave” Apart-Scene-9059.
17. AITJ For Wanting My Money And Laptop Back After My Son Lied About College?
“My ex and I share custody of my 18-year-old son. Side note: (She is very much a social media, vanity parent.) He was supposed to start college this August. Ever since middle school he has talked about wanting to go away for college to get the full experience.
Around March after spending months researching colleges, grants, scholarships, etc with him, he out of the blue, announced he decided to go to a local community college, which is just about equal distance between both parent’s houses, and continue living at home. Cue disappointment and I could tell he wasn’t 100% on board with this either.
(His mother has never liked the idea of him not being in arms reach. So I can take an experienced guess where this new plan hatched.) I helped him open a bank account and he worked all summer to save up for his first semester tuition.
His choice. I told him I would pay for it the whole time. He ended up only needing help with books. No problem. I sent him a couple hundred to cover those and extra. In late June I saved a decent down payment and financed a $2000 laptop for him with the stipulation that it was for school.
I am aware he will play games and watch movies or whatever as well but it was not to be used solely for entertainment. His specific courses would require a really good laptop. About a week later he tells me he isn’t going to class at all but doing online courses instead.
This kid almost failed every class during the past year. He does not do well online. I later found out his mother told him she wouldn’t drive him to school, so he had no choice. Plus, he had signed up online back in May and had been lying to me the whole time.
(I would have picked up and dropped him off every day if I had to. My schedule is very flexible) Here’s where the jerk part comes into play. A few weeks later, the week before school was set to start he tells me he wants to live full time with his mother.
Claims he can focus better at her house because he’s always alone. I don’t like it and 100% don’t agree but he’s 18 and I can’t force him to stay. I found out last week through his friend’s parents he never even started school. Turns out he hadn’t been saving his money after all but giving it to her and she never made the tuition payment.
In my eyes, she stole from him and me because I sent him hundreds of dollars for books and anything else he needed. He hadn’t admitted this to anyone but a couple of friends, instead claiming he decided to take time off to save more money.
He left his social media logged in on my laptop and saw the messages between him and his mother confirming he told his friends the truth. I want to demand my money and laptop back. My family is split in saying I am right to do so and this will push him further away.
As I see it with his mother manipulating his every thought I’ve already lost him. Why should I also lose approx $2500? AITJ if I tell him he knew the laptop was for school and he made the choice to not attend voiding the reason for my purchase.”
Another User Comments:
“From what you say, it sounds like his mother is exerting some kind of control over him and he needs you to help him. If instead, you abandon him to her and signal, by taking back the laptop, that you no longer care about him, you would be the jerk.” philautos
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I would be furious. But sometimes it’s way more effective to play the long game. Your son is 18 and this plan of his (not studying and burying himself at mom’s) has serious limitations. It won’t be long before he sees his friends living a much more satisfying and successful life than he has.
I would take the hit on the chin and ride it off. Don’t give any more money to your son, particularly anything that can be handed to mom. Wait him out and in no way prop up his poor decision-making. However, also don’t get dragged into a fight he can use to dig further in.
Your best approach is it’s your life, if you can make it work and be happy then off you go. At this stage of life, young adults go through huge life changes. Massive! They move away, do independent things, and achieve stuff. Your son will get the message pretty quickly.
It’s what you are going to do after he works out that he cut himself off at the knees that is the real issue.” Something-bothersome
Another User Comments:
“What if you offered your son some counseling sessions? If he’s uncomfortable with a therapist, a counselor is less intimidating.
It would do him well to have a 3rd party to talk about his mom. If the mom is manipulating him, a counselor or therapist could point it out and offer him some tools to manage the situation. It sounds like he needs you more than ever.
I’m not saying you two should do counseling together, but that’s another option too. Don’t give up on him and push him away. He’s just a kid still. 18 or not. If he refuses the help, I think you should let the laptop go.
It’s a lot of money, but asking for it back might cut him off completely and close the door. I wish you good luck. This is a complex situation.” fanofthethings
16. AITJ For Having A More Extravagant Wedding Than My Stepsister?
“I (24F) have never had a great relationship with my mother or my stepsister (25F).
My parents divorced when I was just a few months old and my dad had primary custody when I was young. Both of my parents remarried very quickly after the divorce and both of my stepparents and my stepsister have been in my life for as long as I can remember.
My dad is pretty wealthy while my mother and stepfather are not, so growing up I always had a lot of things that my stepsister couldn’t afford.
My stepsister was always jealous of me and constantly tried to one-up me at everything. We were in the same grade in school so we were always competing in everything.
Now that I’m older I understand it wasn’t her fault when we were kids but she has continued to be awful to me. I can’t say too much because of the word limit, but she has done things for me that I can’t forgive.
My mother has enabled her throughout all this. She has always resented me for being closer to my dad and stepmom.
My stepsister and I are both getting married next year. My wedding is in March and hers is in February. We both got engaged around the same time.
In our culture, we usually have really big, long weddings. My dad is paying for mine and it’s gonna be pretty extravagant. My mother and stepfather are not able to give my stepsister as much money for her wedding. She’s been complaining about it ever since we started wedding planning.
She’s been mad that my wedding is so soon after hers and she thinks that people are going to forget about her wedding and she’s going to be overshadowed. I went to my mother’s house on Saturday to meet my grandma. I was talking to her in her bedroom and showing her pictures of my outfits and other wedding stuff when my stepsister came in and joined the conversation.
She was being nice at first. She asked to see the stuff I was showing grandma so I showed her. She started asking about how much everything cost and I tried to avoid those questions but she kept asking so I told her. She got really mad after I told her everything.
A lot of the things I was having at my wedding were things she wanted but couldn’t afford. She yelled at me and said that I was rude and insensitive for having her dream wedding so soon after her smaller wedding. My grandma tried to calm her down but she would not stop.
She said I always try to upstage her at everything and was screaming at me. I told her to shut up called her a jerk and told her that she could not call me rude after almost ruining my life multiple times.
My mom and stepfather weren’t home at the time and stepsister told them about the fight first so they believed her version of the story, where I was bragging about everything instead of just answering her questions and taunting her about being poor.
My mom has been mad at me since then and said she’s not coming to my wedding. I kind of feel bad too because my stepsister probably felt bad seeing me have the wedding she also wanted and I was mean to her.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. First off, your sister asked to be part of the conversation. You obliged. What are you gonna do when she asks to see the pics, “No, you’re not allowed?” Your sister CHOSE to respond the way she did, she CHOSE to put a damper on YOUR wedding.
Could you have walked away? Yeah, maybe. But I don’t think your response was out of line by any stretch. Nobody told your sister to respond in the way that she did” ObvsYoureNotAGolfer.
Another User Comments:
“NTJ ss escalated the entire encounter then lied to your mom about it.
Grandma is a witness. Consider no or low contact with them, avoid her wedding, and maybe it’d be better if they stay away from your wedding. Who needs that negativity on that special day?” reptiloid
Another User Comments:
“In the specific issue of the conversation NTJ, but in general it seems like there is more to the story.
“My stepsister was always jealous and trying to one-up me” is a statement where you are the unilaterally the hero and she is the villain. I respect that you are the protagonist of your own life, but things are rarely that black and white or simple.
I can see that you tried to spare her from the details and she insisted, so some of that is on her, but reading this, I can feel the disdain and anger you have for her. I’ll probably get downvoted, but I just wanted to suggest that there might be a way to look at this in a more nuanced way without distilling a person’s full life to them just being jealous of you.” Lazy_Crocodile
15. AITJ For Wanting My Elderly Friend To Stop Invading My Home And Overstepping Boundaries?
“My (20f) husband and I recently had our first baby a little over 3 months ago. My friend, (66f) who I used to work with, has been coming over at least once every week for a little over a month.
It started with a visit for her to see our new home for the first time. She brought flowers, it was a planned visit. She had seen our baby once before. When she got there, the baby was asleep so I showed her around. We ate something and then the baby woke up.
She never had children of her own and lives alone. She wanted to hold the baby and kept trying to kiss her. I asked her multiple times please take your shoes off and she did at first but then forgot and kept walking through my house with them on.
She kept saying “My baby” “Where is my baby”.
When she was leaving she noticed the yard needed work so she said she would come over the following week and work on the beds some for me. She recently moved into an apartment and said “I would love to do it because I don’t have a house of my own anymore.” This was unprompted but appreciated, as my husband works long hours and I am trying to take care of the baby.
Fast forward to the following week, she comes and starts to tell me what needs to be done, and complains that my husband isn’t doing anything. She complained that our neighbor had mowed our front lawn and asked me “Why is your elderly neighbor mowing your front lawn?” He did it in payback for my dad siding his house for free a few years ago.
She told me that “she’s divorced her husbands over stuff like this” and said, “This is unacceptable.”
She complained to my mother, who we rented the house from, who came to pick me up one day. I had told my friend that my mother was coming and she said “Okay, tell me about 15 minutes before she gets here and I will clean up and go!” Well I did, and she didn’t leave.
My mom pulled into the driveway and my friend started to tell her everything she thinks needs to be done at the house and everything that she thinks needs to be bought like grass seeds grub control etc… she complained about my husband to my mom and my mom defended him because he usually works long days 7 am-6 pm or longer.
My mom also said that my friend said to her “Oh are you here to snatch kindly-designer away from me?” Hearing that she said that creeped me out slightly. She also told me that she wanted to print out a picture of my baby for her house.
I had never asked her to come over and do yard work, I offered her compensation multiple times and she refused. Now she invites herself over “I am coming over” and rarely gives me a time. She always brings food and lots of things, which again, is appreciated but I feel indebted to her for all the food, work, and gifts.
She says things like “I feel so at home” “I am so happy I get to see [my baby’s name] grow up” and “I would be mad if you didn’t let me garden in your yard”
WIBTJ for telling her to not come over so often, especially without asking, and to stop doing any yard work?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ…You need to stop this now. This is your home, not hers. I understand she has no family, but that is not your responsibility. I assume she has a phone. Call her and tell her you are not up for company.
Or tell her that her visits are becoming too frequent. You have plans. Whatever. You do not have to let her in. “Sorry friend, today is not a good day. I will call when I am up for a visit., goodbye, close the door. “Friend, I would like to take care of my flower beds, thank you”.
“Friend, my husband works hard for our family. If you criticize him again, it will be your last visit to our home”. “Friend, my home is not your concern. There is no reason for you to tell my mother what you think needs to be done to it”.
You have to set firm boundaries. And it just might come down to just saying no. It is hard. I have been the nice one and have been there. But when you do, you feel so relieved and stress-free.” Worth-Season3645
Another User Comments:
“She’s emotionally manipulating you.
By giving you gifts and doing yard work for you, she’s trying to force a more intimate bond with you and your child by making you feel like you’re indebted to her. She’s using you and your child as the daughter and grandchild she never had and is even trying to edge your mom out by making it seem like she’s not being a good enough mom to you.
You would not be the jerk to tell her to stop doing these things, and honestly, I think it would be healthiest for you to stop all contact with her. She’s the type of person who will not let up because she doesn’t see you as a human.
She sees you as a placeholder for what’s missing in her life. If you were to cut back only SOME level of contact with her, in a year or two you’d find yourself right back where you are now.” ThePhilV
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You need to set some boundaries or else it will get to a point where she will bulldoze you over on everything and if she is willing to complain to your mother (a stranger) I can see her going off the rails in the future if you don’t set a precedent.
And the mention of her divorce feels like she wants you to divorce, she moves in and controls you because “no one will care for you like I will” manipulator vibe.” thelilasian
14. AITJ For Leaving My Cousin Alone On A Hiking Trip After His Rude Behavior?
“I (20M) had a hiking trip planned with 2 friends (Beth, 20F and Fergus, 21M) last week. My aunt and cousin (Sam, 18M) were visiting. The trip was only a night, so the family didn’t mind if I was gone for a couple of days.
However, the day before the trip, my aunt asked if we could take my cousin with us.
I was a bit apprehensive, I’d been looking forward to spending some time with these friends as they’re usually at uni, and Sam and I have never been close.
But my aunt talked me into it, she said he hasn’t been hiking and camping much and should try.
From the start, Sam acted grumpy and rude. My friends had been a bit annoyed when I told them Sam was coming, but none of them showed it towards him, Beth went out of her way to make him feel welcome, showing him how to read the map and pointing out bird species.
He still gave one-word answers and trailed behind, snapping at me when I asked if he was okay. I felt bad for him as I guessed my aunt had pressured him to go, but it was bringing the mood down for all of us.
We spent the night in a bothy (free mountain shelters in Scotland.) There were a couple of hikers already in there, we hit it off with them while cooking and shared booze around.
We all started to have a much jollier time like we’d planned, and even Sam perked up a bit and me and Fergus managed to have a bit of a conversation with him about applying to university. It didn’t last though. Long story short, Sam had too much to drink and became a jerk, tried to pick a fight with one of the other hikers over which bunk bed he wanted, and then hit on Beth.
She laughed it off, but we’d all had enough by then. We went to bed, including Sam, but not before he refused to help with any washing up and took a leak right outside the bothy door.
He was still asleep the next morning. I apologized for his behavior and suggested we leave him to walk back on his own.
We’d taken a long route the previous day, but the route today was simple, about 5 hours to the bus stop on a waymarked path following a river the whole way, which Beth had pointed out to him. Fergus and Beth agreed, so we left him with a map and sandwiches and then set off with the other 2 hikers.
Sam didn’t get home until after 10 PM. He’d somehow set off in the wrong direction, and eventually been shown the right way by some other hikers, by the time he got to the bus stop he had to wait another 2 hours there as services are infrequent in the evenings.
My aunt is really mad at me and says I never should have abandoned an 18-year-old inexperienced hiker hours away from the nearest village. IMO as hikes in Scotland go this was hardly the wilderness, it was an easy route back. You can get a signal for most of it and there are enough people to ask for help.
My parents are more sympathetic to me and blame my aunt for pressuring me to take Sam with us, but my dad says I should have ‘grown up’ and just ignored him on the way back. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“ESH. Sam for obvious reasons.
Your aunt for pushing off an 18-year-old who is old enough to say what he wants. But you can’t just leave someone and say “It’s an easy 5-hour walk”. That’s dangerous. The boys sound neat though!” SeesYourBrightside
Another User Comments:
“Huge YTJ. An *easy five-hour hike* back?
Sam doesn’t hike, doesn’t know the area, hardly knows how to read maps – but he’s okay to go by himself? Sam might have been acting like a jerk the day before, but you abandoned him in the middle of the unknown wilderness. What if he had gotten lost for good?
What if he had an accident or a medical emergency? What if some creep saw a confused, alone kid and decided they were going to take advantage of the situation? Even if Sam was a 30-year-old, very capable and experienced hiker – you don’t leave someone behind without running it by them first.” BakeCalm9657
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. He’s only 18, and might not be that used to drinking and knowing his limits. Didn’t you ever do something rude or stupid when intoxicated? Poor lad woke up with a hangover to find he’d been abandoned. It’s easy to go literally in the opposite direction down a path, especially if you are tired, hungover, and upset at being left behind by your older cousin (and probably embarrassed too).
If that was me, I’d have probably cried the whole walk back. You sound very immature and unempathetic.” Substantial_Yogurt41
13. AITJ For Choosing To Fly Instead Of Taking A Long Train Ride In India With My Friend?
“So I (26f) will go travel India for 2 months with a friend from South Africa (39m). This whole thing wasn’t planned together from the start but just fell into place because we both randomly wanted to go to India around the same time and were like..
might as well eh? A little reunion at the other end of the world would be super awesome!
I knew that we’d be on a slightly different budget since you don’t earn a lot down there compared to Europe – which is fine for me since I’m also not a big spender.
A typical backpacker, ~20/day, tries to save cash wherever possible while still having a good time.
Now it turns out that he saved a little less cash for those 2 months than I thought/would be necessary, which is not too dramatic per se but here is the issue: since he shouldn’t spend so much on domestic flights, he wants to take trains only to get from A to B.
I don’t mind when it comes to “short” distances of <12 hours, I know the scenery can be stunning and they are just part of the authentic India experience. BUT we have to get from the south coast up to Rishikesh in November. This is a 2 day train ride vs a 2 hour flight and I just can’t.
India will be my 98th country and I’ve been on a lot of adventures but meanwhile, I know my limits and I know this will be torture for me (esp. since I had to get sober 1.5 years ago and unfortunately my window of tolerance is still a little narrow from time to time).
I don’t know if I’m being a jerk for this but I put my body and mind through so much stressful and crazy stuff during this past decade of traveling the globe in a sober stupor, I just like to take it easy and look out for my wellbeing.
Be well. Relax.
So, would it be mean to tell him to go hit the East Coast and then take the 2-day train ride by himself while I just stay at the beach a little longer and then take a plane to get to the next destination – and we just meet there?”
Another User Comments:
“My dear, I am shocked that you are in your mid-20s, and between your post and comments, you do not understand the graveness of what you are planning. Stop trying to find ways to make this work – you are putting yourself in danger by choosing to travel to that country.
If you want to travel, do some research on which countries are currently the safest for women.” snarkisms
Another User Comments:
“I was in a relationship with a girl from India once. She told me some messed up stories and had obvious PTSD when walking around London.
We would always have to cross the road if a group of 3 men was walking towards us and also she would refuse to go near any vans parked that had sliding doors it was very common to be snatched. So yeah you’re a mad lad.
Good luck.” User
Another User Comments:
“Whatever you do…do not get on a long train ride in India. That can’t be safe and I doubt your one friend can protect you since I’m guessing you’ll stand out. I’ve had Indian coworkers say you should go to India but not alone…and only in Mumbai (tho she was biased for her home city)…but you’ll have to pay a lot more at tourist attractions than I do. NTJ” Remarkable_Table_279
12. AITJ For Giving My Dad Contact Info For Our Long-Lost Younger Sister?
“My mom and dad never married and had a nasty split.
My mom works for the government and had to do training on a base. My dad went ahead to that state to start a life for us there (me 12F, sister 13F, mom). Meanwhile, my mom was being unfaithful and was only going to the state because her partner was there at the same base.
My dad found out but he was civil about it my older sister moved and lived with my dad because kids were not allowed on base. My dad found a partner who had a son we were older than. My mom thought he was leaving us with a grown man and not an 11-year-old boy and she didn’t want us near the partner.
She came and had a huge blow-out fight with her partner and took us away from our dad.
She didn’t bring us back for days. She tried to bring us back and my dad said no. We ended up in a children’s shelter until my mom finished her training and moved to a new state with her partner.
This partner was married the entire time and she knew this. We never saw my dad again for about 4-5 years but he was paying child support.
I was a sophomore in high school when I went to find my dad. I googled him and found him.
The first thing he asked was where I was. He said he didn’t know where we were but he tried to find us. Ever since then, he’s been a part of our lives consistently, without fail. Stress the point he’s been very active in our lives since being in contact with us, me and my older sister.
Is it true that if you’re paying child support you automatically know where the kids are? Is it true he had information on where we were the entire time?
Fast forward to 2 years ago. I learned I have another sister. My dad didn’t tell anyone about her.
The partner he was with broke up and in between the breakup and them getting back together he met a woman and got her pregnant. He claims he didn’t know she was pregnant because she left the state and he tried to find her when he found out.
His wife found the child support documents for her and flipped out. She told him if he contacts her she’ll leave him.
She’s also verbally, mentally, and emotionally abusive, and a heavy drinker. My dad had an attempt (they didn’t come back from one) due to her treatment of him.
He’s timid and hates conflict so he listens to her.
I found my sister 3 days ago. My older sister said I should never have told him because he’s had her info since day 1 and never did anything with it. She says he doesn’t deserve a relationship with our younger sister.
My dad’s wife cursed me out calling me a mean person because I gave my dad her info and she’s kicking my dad out.
My younger sister and her mom are so appreciative of me finding them. My dad is ecstatic. He can’t wait to be a part of her life and wants nothing more than for all of us to be together.
I don’t believe I did anything wrong.
AITJ for giving my dad the information for our little sister?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but it sounds like all the adults in your life were jerks and I’m so sorry. As you’re now an adult I’d suggest taking what your dad says with a pinch of salt.
That doesn’t mean you can’t love him and keep a relationship with him but it sounds like his narrative here is that all 3 of the women in his life were the issue, not him, but he was the common denominator here. Build a relationship with him by all means, but I find it hard to believe that he was paying child support to two different women and in both cases was completely incapable of finding out where those kids were.
He chose not to be an active father. Do what you wish with that information but don’t believe he’s the victim here.” MorningLanky3192
11. AITJ For Keeping My Dance Classes A Secret From My Family?
“I’m (17m) the oldest in my family and I have three younger siblings (15m, 14f, and 12f). I always had a good relationship with my siblings and my parents. My parents always told me I was the best older sibling and how they loved that I never said no to my siblings doing stuff with me.
Whether it was video games football or martial arts. My parents always encouraged inclusion and doing stuff together. Sometimes it can be a little much but I never liked saying anything because I knew it made my parents proud and being “the best big brother” was all I had that was me.
My siblings were always better at the things we did together and even stuff that started as my thing became their thing more. Sometimes this could lead to unfairness. Like it would be if someone was doing good in their video game they could play longer.
I’m not that good at video games. I just enjoy them. So that means I get less time to play. Or I’m always the first out if we play together. I never cared as much about football. That was something my parents wanted me and my brother in.
But it was still difficult to hear that I should be more talented like him.
That sounds rough, I know.
For anything I expressed an interest in, my parents would ask if I was okay with including my siblings but they’d always add on that they knew with me being the best brother I wouldn’t say no but they’d always ask.
So I’d say yes because again, it was the one thing I had going for me it felt like. My siblings had the things that were just for them though.
Two years ago my friend talked about this place near him that did free dance classes.
He went and asked if I wanted to go. I thought it sounded really cool so I told my parents I was going to his house and we’d do the classes together. We did different types of dance but I really fell in love with it… which made me want to keep it for me alone.
So I never told my family about it.
They found out a few days ago because a local social media page covered the free classes and I was mentioned as one of their brightest talents. I had no idea about it until my parents said it.
They were shocked and asked me about it and wanted to know why I didn’t tell them. So I came clean about everything and how I felt. My parents told me it made no sense for me to feel that way because I love my siblings and I should love sharing everything like this with them.
They told me something like that would be perfect for all four of us to do because it’s free and fun. They said I had always been such a good big brother and why was I now pushing my siblings away? They also told me I let them down as a son.
My brother was the only person who didn’t care at all. At first, he was dismissive until I opened up to him and then he got it. My sisters are coming around. But my parents are mad that I kept it from them but they’re also mad I didn’t want to include my siblings.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ you would like just one thing to be yours and yours alone without having to be the best big brother and world’s best sharer. I get it, and I think your parents are rough for manipulating you the way they have with their “praise” It is manipulation pure and simple.
Your parents are disappointed that you found a workaround. Not everything needs to be a family activity or every sibling needs to be involved. Each child should be able to find what makes them happy and fulfilled.” Chilling_Storm
Another User Comments:
“NTJ by any stretch.
How convenient for your parents that the one thing you feel you have for yourself—this identity as the perfect big brother who always shares—benefits everyone else at your expense. They’ve cultivated this feeling in you and manipulated you to the point that they don’t *have* to ask you to play the role you’ve been assigned. You are a person with every right to your interests and activities.
You deserve to have something to yourself. Dance is a beautiful thing; I hope that you’re able to keep doing it on your terms.” AccuratePenalty6728
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Tell parents that you have an identity as more than a big brother. Do they have an identity as more than parents?
Because they are making you responsible for your siblings because parents can’t be bothered. It’s a form of petrifying you. While you may not be responsible for taking care of them as feeding, getting ready for school, etc. They have made you responsible for their other activities.
You find the activities, involve siblings while parents sit back and watch you attend to siblings while doing activities. In making you ‘the best big brother’ they’ve made themselves uninvolved parents who can’t be bothered with attending to their own children’s activities. They’ll watch activities to make themselves look better to other people but can’t be bothered to set anything up for them.
Talk to the dance teacher, tell them that if the family joins you’ll not be dancing with them even if you have to stop dancing. The teacher will understand hopefully and keep you apart from them.” wlfwrtr
10. AITJ For Rejecting My Mother's Affection After A Confrontation About My Spending?
“So I (17F) was talking on the phone with a friend of mine about some plans we have for this afternoon and my mom was nearby doing her thing. I was telling my friend that we might have to cancel our original plans for today (we were planning to go to the cinema) since my mother most likely wouldn’t let me.
Yeah, I know I’m 17 and I have my savings but I try my best to avoid conflict since it stresses me a lot.
The last time I asked for her permission she straight up declined saying that it’s not worth the money. It’s been like a year since I went to the cinema, and that was a disaster since I didn’t take my twin brother with me (it was like a girls’ night and he doesn’t get along with some of my friends) so I spent the whole time being worried about her reaction once I returned home.
She tends to be super controlling with money, she even keeps track of whatever she buys, writes them down in her notebook, and every time she gets a new one she rewrites the old ones. Like we have the prices of clothing we got 5 years ago- she also tends to look into my bags and drawers for receipts and all..
my best friend’s birthday is coming and I was planning to get her a gift, and my mother told me I had to buy something below 10 euros but got her something with about 12 (I’m also planning to make her a drawing too). I told my mom the gift cost 11 (I tend to lie about prices because she gets so mad, but like it’s my own money and I barely get stuff for myself or others).
I threw the gift receipt in the trash, inside something else so she wouldn’t find it, but guess what.. she did and came to my room to lecture me about it. So yeah I told my friend all that fearing we have to cancel our plans for today..
the cinema was also my idea because school is about to start and we’ll be busy as crazy.
Thankfully she was really understanding and reassured me it wasn’t my fault and we could have fun regardless, I love her so much- I exited my room while still on the phone and my mom approached me in tears trying to kiss me, she might have heard my ranting- for context, I do not like physical touch and she tends to do stuff without asking first like touching me out of the blue.
I feel uncomfortable when she tried to be all sweet and everything.. don’t get me wrong I love her but there has been some stuff and I’m not ready to forgive her. And I was also on the phone. So I just told her I was talking and locked myself in the bathroom.
Once I was off the phone I approached her and asked her why she was crying but she wouldn’t tell me. And now I feel pretty bad. I’m not sure if I should feel that way.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. My mom used to cry and to try and hug me after she picked fights with me, but it was for her comfort, not mine.
Being forced to show her affection is a form of manipulation. If you don’t want to be touched after a confrontation, that’s fine and normal.” belmontbluebird
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Your mother is controlling and manipulative. She needs to control you and also the environment around her.
It’s not healthy for any of you. There’s a lot in your post that makes me think both you and your mother are neurodiverse in what you write. But it presents differently in you than your mother. But I’m guessing your mother will never think there is anything not quite right with her (or you).
There’s not, but it’s just a different way of thinking. I would suggest that you save and get out while you can while exploring how you can help yourself. You’re still a minor and you still need a job and be able to support yourself so telling you to leave is not as easy as just saying it and you doing it.
Where’s your father in all of this.” KitchenDismal9258
Another User Comments:
“NTJ- it’s okay for you to be upset or have some sort of emotional reaction when things don’t work out, your mom has that right too- but it’s not your job to comfort your parents.
My mom used to get mad at me, and then if I had an emotional reaction to it, all of a sudden I was the bad guy apologizing to her and feeling guilty for having normal emotional reactions. There were a handful of times where she physically went after me and hurt me pretty bad, like one time she grabbed me and I fell and couldn’t move my neck for a week, and she felt so bad she took me to dinner and cried often and I was the one apologizing?
Don’t feel like you need to comfort your mom, it’s one thing if her emotions were for some other reasons like her cat is lost or work was tough, then it makes sense to you to be there for her a bit, BUT if she’s worked up because you are, because of her….
It’s not your job to comfort her and please don’t apologize to her unless you did something hurtful, I grew up that way, and let’s just say I’m an adult who has other issues and can’t understand my emotions and apologize constantly.
Even if I’m crying because I fell, I’m saying sorry?” [deleted]
9. AITJ For Not Reminding My Sister To Send A Job Document?
“My sister had sort of always been the “black sheep” of the family, missing out on multiple opportunities growing up. We come from a family that is not extremely wealthy but is doing fine and my parents/grandparents and uncles have managed to provide me, my siblings, and my cousins with many valuable opportunities, such as high-level education, projects, experiences, jobs, etc. I believe that everyone took the maximum advantage regarding these things and strived to make a good situation even better, even if there were situations when some things were almost handed out to us, we did not stall, worked hard, treated it seriously, and made the best out of it.
My sis however was never ambitious and always did the bare minimum. Switched several majors in college, ended up being in the same year as me even though she’s older, never held down jobs, worked too little to count anyways, never planned for the future, always demanded and complained, the average spoiled child.
Now I said we’re doing good, but again, we’re not rich. My parents stressed her about getting a job, but she always sort of said “Later, next week, I don’t like that… etc”
I work in a big company and have the facility to make recommendations.
My parents egged me about getting her to work here too, but I explained that I can’t recommend her against her will. She eventually was convinced to apply and we began the process. At the same time, I learned that another classmate of mine was looking for a job and let him know about the opportunities at my workplace since I could recommend both him and my sister.
I started the process with both of them and at some point needed a document from them. I asked them both and the classmate sent it to me, while my sister HAD THE AUDACITY to ask me to remind her later because she can’t right now.
We’re talking about a spoiled college student who just got back from a week-long trip with her friends (a trip funded by our parents) who lives on her own but does nothing on her own and WHO HAS NO JOB. I can’t phantom what could’ve been keeping her so busy that she couldn’t send THE DOCUMENT NEEDED FOR HER EMPLOYMENT then or at least MAKE A MENTAL NOTE to send it to me later.
I got angry, said nothing to her, and decided not to remind her. I continued the process with my classmate and it was a success. However, my sister failed to send the document and the recruitment period ended. I couldn’t help her anymore. When she found out (not that she cared, my parents asked) she freaked. Called me a jerk for not reminding her and helping the stranger instead of family.
I called her spoiled because until now I did everything for her and all she had to do was send a photo of a filled paper. My parents also told me “You know how she is” and I should’ve reminded her, but I refuse to do things for her any longer.
If she wants to be a big baby, then so be it.
I know I could’ve told her to send that stuff to me, but again, I simply refuse to drag her after me any longer. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have to be careful about recommending people who you already know won’t do a good job.
That just negatively impacts your reputation. Tell your parents that you can’t care more than she does. Next ,they will expect you to help her out with her work “cause you know how she is and family helps family “. If she can’t turn in a single piece of paper how is she going to be able to keep the job?” One-Childhood432
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. And your family should stop doing everything for her. She sounds lazy and spoiled. She should be cut off from family all of them, so she learns that not everything will fly to her but she has to get her a$$ up and do something for it.
Should you have done all the work for her at your company so she would get paid for doing nothing? I wouldn’t even have recommended her inforear ofthathis lazy behavior would reflect negatively on you.” Trevena_Ice
8. AITJ For Dialing Back My Efforts After Being Overlooked For A Promotion Due To Nepotism?
“I’ve worked for my company for 8 years now, and the basic breakdown that is relevant to the story is I am a call-out shift lead (if no shift leads are there I can do the role for the day), there is a New Guy who got shift lead promotion, Little Boss, and Big Boss.
(Little Boss doesn’t have many friends, the new guy Little Boss’s best friend, and the big boss Little Boss’s older brother. It’ll all make sense soon I promise)
I’ve been working for little boss and big boss for 2 years now, and I’ve established myself as an extremely hard worker.
Big Bosses exact words were it wasn’t for you getting as much work done as you did while you were partnered up with little boss while he was a shift lead I would never have been able to promote him to the little boss”
Last December little boss had some issues and convinced the big boss to get a new guy transferred to us.
The thing is that’s when I was supposed to get the promotion to permanent shift lead. My little boss said the new guy would only come over for permanent shift lead promotion, and I got screwed out of the promotion.
Last week a New guy, a little boss, and a big boss wanted to have a conversation with me.
The basics of it were the big boss told the new guy that our area isn’t covering as much work as we normally do. They had several conversations about it and eventually new guy got demoted to call out the shift lead. The new guy blames me because and quotes, “You used to cover all of this work by yourself when the little boss was shift lead, it’s not fair that you won’t work that hard for me!!!
I shouldn’t have to tell you we need to cover more you should just do it because you helped little boss get his promotion you should do that for me! You two used to sit around because you got done everything early it’s only fair I get the same treatment, you don’t even care that I got demoted!
It’s not my fault I got the promotion because of who I knew!”
I told all three of them “I did not intentionally get him demoted, I stopped doing so much extra and working hard because you all said that even though I’m better than the new guy and deserve the promotion new guy gets it because he is best friends with little boss and big boss wanted to make little boss happy by bring new guy over and meeting his demands.
This is nepotism by proxy so no, I’m not doing extra I’m going to do the bare minimum my job requires. It’s clear hard work gets me nowhere so why should I do it? Also no I don’t care that he got demoted because had he done his fair share of work we would have covered the same distance, his demotion is his problem not my problem”
Some of my buddies think even though I’m justified in how I feel I’m a jerk for not letting it go and not working as hard as before and that I refuse to work harder to get the new guy his promotion back.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Family-run businesses’ are great until you remember you’re not family. They will almost always put their family/friends in the highest-paid positions so you will never, no matter how hard you try get moved up into these spots. Even if you stick around, once the new guy is gone, they’ll likely promote a different friend/family member and continue letting you do most of the work while they reap the benefits.” HugeInTheShire
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This workplace seems to run on nepotism, all fueled by you working to make everyone look good whilst you get bypassed for promotions. I’m pretty shocked they even bothered to include you in that bizarre conversation. And I hope you have your CV polished; if this were happening to me, I’d be job-hunting for a place where I can grow without being related to/friends with the boss!” TemptingPenguin369
Another User Comments:
“NTJ You were proving that you were competent to be shift lead. You weren’t proving that you could do shift lead work for the new guy. The fact that the new guy is trying to guilt-trip you is ridiculous. I would dial it down until they fire me tbh.” PenguinKilla3
7. AITJ For Being Upset My Husband Prioritized Fantasy Football Over Our Planned Birthday Date?
“So here is some background for reference: husband and I have been married for almost 15 years, with no children. We moved into a home and were unprepared for about $25,000 worth of repairs after we closed on our home about a year ago. We both have multiple jobs to offset this (we both have one full-time job and then we both have a part-time job to address the added costs).
Because of this, our time together has been very limited. I miss him. So, as part of my birthday weekend (because my real birthday fell on a Monday) we decided to make sure we’re both off on Saturday so we can go to our favorite winery and eat some oysters that we love at the local oyster bar.
Then we would get to spend the evening together. We planned this about a month in advance. Yesterday was my birthday and my husband informed me that he had fantasy football on the day we had planned. I was a little shocked by this so I didn’t make a fuss about it.
But the more I thought about it over the night, the more upset I became by it. So this morning I told him that I was looking forward to our day together and I’m hurt that our day is going to be impacted by fantasy football.
The winery and oyster bar we like to go to is about 2 hours away from our home, so being back in time for his fantasy football get-together will impact how much time we have there.
Moreover, if we do go to the winery and oyster bar my focus now on this day will be about how much time we have left before we have to leave rather than having no time constraints at all.
Overall, I’m just really disappointed. This day was not only supposed to be to celebrate my birthday (last year of my 30s), but more importantly, this was an opportunity to spend some much-needed quality time together without any other distractions. When I told my husband about my feelings this morning, he became defensive citing his limited schedule to do things (which he is correct).
I acknowledged this but also pointed out that we had these plans in advance.
Maybe it wasn’t fair for me to say, but I did tell him that I would have put him as a priority and that I was always taught that once you make plans, you stick with them, not make new plans if they end up popping up.
Well, that comment didn’t go over very well. Anyway, at this point (and not out of hate) I feel like we should just wait to reschedule the day together. But on a side note, he took off another day in which there is a Nirvana cover band playing in September on a Friday I can’t go to because I’m working but he will go to that with his friends.
To be fair, he offered me one of the seats at the table he reserved on that date, but I turned it down because I’m working, and I’m fee-for-service and I’m trying to make up for time lost when I was ill.
I guess I just need guidance and maybe some clarity… AITJ for confronting him that I’m feeling upset that he didn’t make me a priority on the day we had planned.
Respectfully,
A disappointed wife.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ by your husband is.
I’ve been in your shoes, only he was just a partner who at the last minute wanted to cancel our plans for my birthday (21st) to hang out with his friends. You deserve to celebrate with people who want to celebrate you, I’m sorry he did this, but he did show you pretty clearly where you fall on his priorities list after you brought up how much it hurt you.
Best of luck.” Tyquente
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. My husband is a fantasy league commissioner for another sport so draft days are sacred and given priority as long as the date is booked months in advance. But a regular fantasy league game that he needs to be back for?
I would feel the same way if the weekend was intended for your birthday. He has so many other games (and future seasons).” Snackinpenguin
Another User Comments:
“NTJ you had plans and it seems like he couldn’t be bothered to remember them, let alone prioritize them.
You were very clear about expectations and made the plans well in advance; it’s inconsiderate he couldn’t make time for you on your birthday especially.” Pristine-Rhubarb7294
6. AITJ For Telling My Brother How To Get A Bank Loan To Fuel His Gambling Addiction?
“To start, the problem began when I (27F) was early in college. Around 7-9 years ago, but I can’t remember exactly. My brother (now 24M) was in high school and he and his friends gambled. Well, my brother ended up getting into debt (about a few thousand dollars at the time).
We were very close at the time, and he confided in me about the situation. I did not know what to do, so I told my parents about the situation. They bailed him out of his debt, which I told them would be a mistake because his addiction would come back even worse.
My brother also knew I told them since I was the only person he told, which strained our relationship immensely to the point that I felt I had lost my brother for several years.
It is now present day (August 2024). In the time frame, I went $60,000 into debt.
My parents gave me money through my mother and my father’s retirement to help me get out of debt, but part of getting me into that much debt was because I took out a $15,000 bank loan that I had to pay back. My younger brother has also been gambling again, but this time it has gotten much worse.
He has borrowed thousands of dollars from my parents, asked the girl he is seeing for money, borrowed over $10,000 from his friends, and also asked me for money. I haven’t given it to him every time, but I have given him $500 periodically because I feel that if my parents keep giving him money, I need to because I’m scared that if I don’t I will lose my relationship with my brother (I have told my parents this).
At one point my brother also asked me how to take out the $15,000 bank loan that I did, to which I told him how to do it.
My brother has gone even further into debt and is close to losing his job, being evicted, and is pressuring my mom for more money.
My mom is crying and in tears, while my dad is telling me about the situation. I called my older brother to tell him about the situation, and he threw out some ideas on what to do. I tell my older brother that I think the only way my younger brother will realize he has a problem is if he reaches rock bottom, which has been when I’ve made significant life changes to better myself.
My brother challenges this and says my younger brother is already there, but we also shouldn’t help him get there by helping him get a $15,000 loan. I told him that I didn’t help my younger brother get the loan, I just told him how I got it, which is information that my younger brother could also find online if he wanted to.
I then told my older brother that he should not be criticizing me because that is not why I called. I then told him that maybe the only reason my younger brother has never gone to my older brother and only gone to me and my parents for money is for a reason and I told my older brother he should think about that.
I then was so angry I just hung up the phone without letting my older brother say anything else because of how hurt I was. AITJ”
Another User Comments:
“A gentle YTJ This is a difficult situation. Get a professional consultation or check out Gamblers Anonymous for a referral. Your older brother made a good point.
It’s not your fault. Get professional advice.” drop drill
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ. It sounds like all of you have an issue. In your continuing post, you said “Your older brother, 29M, also the one that gambles” and you said you have a “younger brother, 24, that gambles”.
And you are $60k in debt. And your parents are helping out both you *and* your younger brother… You all are enablers. You all have issues and you all need therapies and Gam-Anon and financial counseling/advising. I don’t know how the entire family is not completely mired. I don’t mean to be a complete jerk, but I have to be bluntly honest here.
None of you can help any of the others. You all have to only focus on yourselves. Leave your parents alone. Tell them to stop enabling your brother, to not take his calls, and for god’s sake to *STOP GIVING HIM MONEY*! You need to handle your debt.
Get a second job if you have to, set up payment plans, and don’t apply for any more loans bank cards, or credit lines. Your older brother is right. Everyone just needs to stop. You got mad at him because he made sense and you didn’t like what you heard.” Slayed_Wilson
5. AITJ For Informing Our Boss That My Partner Wasn't Coming To Work?
“I am going to start with a bit of background so that hopefully this makes some kind of sense. My partner (M36) let’s call him Joe, and I (F27) work in the same store (it’s a franchise) I’ve worked for this company (and owner) for four years and my goal is to work my way up, and eventually own one of these stores myself.
A year ago Joe and I moved to a new city when the owner I work for was moving to a bigger store and asked me to come with her. He started working for this store when we moved here because it was easier to schedule as we also have a daughter together.
Our store is currently undergoing a huge expansion, we are both a part of the team that is setting up this new portion of the store. We both have our small crew that we are in charge of and then we have a project manager, let’s call him Paul, who comes from corporate and oversees the whole project and makes sure we meet our deadlines and directs what we do.
We work Monday to Friday from 6 am to 2:30 pm. Our project manager doesn’t usually come in until around 7 am. That usually leaves Joe and I completely in charge for the first hour of the day. This is no problem at all as the three of us have usually discussed the day prior what the priorities for the next day of work are, and in addition to that Paul will text Joe a list of tasks to get done for the day and he then passes the info to me.
With all that in mind, our problem starts here. Our crews are mostly made up of younger school/university kids, from 15 years old to 18, and most of them already worked in the store previously part-time. Joe had been having trouble with the kids on his crew as they didn’t follow his directions or when they did they did a bad job and he had to finish what they started. He got upset to the point where he decided on Thursday he just wasn’t going to come to work the next day (Friday) because he didn’t want to deal with them.
This leaves me in a tough spot because I am now responsible for instructing his crew on what to do the next morning and I have no idea what they had been working on previously. On Thursday, Joe left work for the day, I stayed late to try and finish up what I was working on, but before I left I went to do a walk around with Paul to see what the plan was for the next day and asked that he tell me what to do with the kids on Joe’s crew as he decided he wasn’t coming in the next day, Paul then asked me for my phone number so that he could just text me the To Do list instead.
I ended up telling Joe Saturday night that I had told Paul he wasn’t coming in and he’s now mad at me for being a snitch and saying that I’ve betrayed him and have made him look stupid to our boss and he can no longer tell me anything because he doesn’t trust me.
So Am I the jerk for telling our boss that he wasn’t coming in instead of letting him call out pretending to be sick?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. From the question answered it seems that the only way that OP would know how to proceed on the day that Joe is absent is to get the information from Paul.
This is because previously when Joe skipped work, he did not forward the information to OP and told her to figure it out for herself. Maybe he wanted to sleep in. Info. Why was Joe the only one getting the texts from Paul? And why couldn’t Joe just forward you the text?” Having-hope3594
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here…as far as telling your boss, but not because of your partner. You and your partner need to separate work and private life. It was not your job to tell the boss that your partner was not coming in.
But, since this directly affects your job, I would have told the partner two things, #1, you either tell the boss you are not coming in or I will. Your absence affects my job. #2, if you cannot handle being in charge, then you need to talk to the boss.
Your partner is an adult. He is not there to make friends with these kids. He is there to be their boss. If they are not doing their job, then he needs to do what is necessary for them to do so. And with that, as his partner is treating you, he is the major jerk.” Worth-Season3645
Another User Comments:
“as a co-worker NTJ but as a partner yes YTJ. Because he’s right he knows not to tell you information regarding work because you would go to the boss. Info: Because I’m curious, why didn’t you just ask your partner what you should instruct his crew to do?
You know instead of snitching” Apart-Scene-9059.
4. AITJ For Wanting To Skip Lunch After My Friend's Husband Made Crass Jokes About My Health?
“As a kid, my family lived in a small town in Southern OH. My dad passed away suddenly and mom relocated us to FL where her family is. We stayed in touch with friends from there, a pair of siblings Anna (now 44F) and May (now 42F).
My mom owns a second home in FL. Every summer Anna visits with her husband and son and stays there. May has stayed with her family too occasionally, as has their mom Janet.
A few years ago Anna went to NC with her mom over what seems like a weird disagreement to me and became extremely close to my mom – they now talk every day.
About 18 months ago, my mom and Janet also went to NC after having a disagreement they were then too proud to work out.
Well before all this family drama I had left FL and worked my way up to a senior position in a globally known company in a field that Anna is passionate about but never pursued. Unfortunately, I’ve struggled with chronic health issues all my life and they came to a head while working there.
I had to leave my job and move back to FL and take time out to recuperate.
Better now, I work in the same field with a company that is prestigious here but not a globally recognizable one. The year after my return, Anna and her family visited. Anna’s husband said, “It’s a bit of a step down from your old job, isn’t it?”
I’ve since traveled a lot for my job, with sporadic posts on social media that I guess they’ve seen (my posts are more of a journal for myself). There were some comments from Anna during their visits to FL that seemed disingenuous from the tone.
(“You’re traveling a lot aren’t you?” etc.)
Last year when they visited I was very ill again, and bedridden when they came to my mom’s house to see us.
A few months ago I had to go to Southern OH for work and I posted a picture to social media, just documenting as usual. Anna, who never likes or comments on my posts, liked it.
I immediately sensed it to be quite passive-aggressive. I sent her a DM and asked how she was and told her I was there for 2 days for work and wouldn’t be able to meet but was looking forward to seeing her when she’d be coming out to FL.
May ended up liking the picture too; I DMed her also.
Anna and her family are in FL right now. When I greeted them, only her husband said hi. Anna initially blanked me and I had to say hello to her 4 times before she acknowledged me – she said she was distracted by her children.
Later on, her husband asked me how my health was. When I was answering, he interrupted me to make some jokes about my health issues, which I found to be in really poor taste. I’d rather not say the exact joke, but it was like making a bald joke to a cancer patient’s face, it was that direct and crass.
I left them alone for the rest of the evening and didn’t say goodbye when they left.
They are coming back tomorrow for lunch but I intend to leave the house. Depending on how petty I’m feeling I might leave as they arrive and if they ask why I will tell them why I’m leaving.
WIBTJ?”
Another User Comments:
“This whole post just screams of passive aggression on all sides. If you didn’t like the joke, speak up. If you’re traveling locally to where someone you consider family lives, it’s generally polite to let them know and to let them know that you can’t meet up.
If someone doesn’t respond to you immediately, read the room, you should have easily seen that she was distracted by kids. I’m gonna say ESH, but I do think you’re potentially a bit sensitive.” coastalkid92
Another User Comments:
“Do you want to step in this steaming pile of drama?
NTJ, but I think being blatant or talking about why would be a mistake. Do you want Anna complaining to your mom about you, and your mom being upset at you about it? Maybe just go run an errand and have something come up that keeps you from returning for lunch.” NapalmAxolotl
3. AITJ For Not Wanting To Wear Slippers In My Own Home To Please My Neighbors?
“I (33F) bought a house with my husband (34M) in May of this year.
It is a townhome on the edge of our city, and we have neighbors on one side, but the house on the other side is currently empty.
Our next-door neighbors seem nice enough, but we have only ever talked to them either when we are picking up packages or when they come to complain about noise.
For context, the first weekend we had the house we decided to have some friends over to build furniture on a Sunday, and then tried again the next week (again on Sunday). As we were building things, one of our neighbors came over to ask us not to do construction on Sunday because of the legal quiet hours.
(This is not true, as we were building inside of our house, which is allowed on your property on Sundays where we live.) I was annoyed, but we decided that we would accommodate them and bake them cookies as an apology.
Things seemed to be ok after that.
And then my husband was breaking ice cubes from the trays on a Sunday a couple of months later and banged it all 3-4 times on the countertop. Next thing I know, our neighbor has run over and is demanding we not build.
I didn’t say anything but was annoyed because it wasn’t even a minute before he came over.
Not wanting to fight, we have put up soundproofing in our living room in case our TV is loud, and generally avoid making sounds on Sundays now. It feels a bit like we are walking on eggshells in our own home.
Then, the other day, I was up trying to get to sleep around midnight and their TV was blasting so loud that we could hear it in our bedroom.
I’ve heard their TV and music through the walls before, but generally brush it off since it was during the day. This time, it was genuinely too late to be reasonable and was breaking the law regarding quiet hours. I talked with my husband and we chose to wait to say anything until we saw them in passing.
Today, my husband picked up some packages from their place and mentioned the noise from the other night. He was told by our neighbor that the walls between our houses were very thin and they were even annoyed by us walking around in our own home.
Their recommended solution was that we should wear slippers all the time.
My husband thinks this is a good solution, but he wears house slippers all the time so it’s not a big change for him. I don’t like wearing house slippers (and in my experience, these do very little to stop the sound of footsteps anyway) and am hesitant to do so just to accommodate something that is a normal part of living so close to people.
It also is annoying to me that I feel like we are doing things to accommodate them (not making any noise on Sundays, putting up soundproofing), when this is our space and we should be able to walk around and cook when we want.
Either way, we would invite them over for dinner at some point to smooth things over and establish a better relationship.
But, in the meantime, AITJ for not wearing slippers in my own home?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I find it pretty distasteful that your neighbors’ response to you bringing up their loud television was to turn the accusation back around on you for *walking too loudly* in your own home.
You can’t help but walk in your own living space; they could certainly help by not having the television blasting at a late hour of the evening. They were trying to divert their poor neighborly behavior back on you, and that’s not cool of them.
I don’t think the onus to smooth things over should be on you this time; you haven’t done anything wrong by not wearing slippers.” NovaScrawlers
Another User Comments:
“Never capitulate to people who are complaining about things that are perfectly allowed. You should have called the sound ordinance line on them at night and allowed the police to tell them to turn their TV down if it was breaking the law.
You do not need to wear slippers if you do not want to. You do not have to build on Sundays in your home if you want to because you are following your local laws and sound ordinances. Normal sounds from living next to people are expected, and they will have to deal with it.
If they continue to harass you, report them to the police. NTJ” StellarPhenom420
Another User Comments:
“Don’t invite them to dinner, don’t bake them cookies unless you can chew the laxatives. You’re just letting them walk over you and getting rewarded while they’re at it.
If it’s legal, build your darn furniture on Sundays, break the ice as much as you want, and blast your TV as loud as you can. Don’t give in to bullies, take tap dancing classes, and ignore your neighbors. NTJ” Balawulf
2. AITJ For Cutting Off Contact With My Selfish Mother?
“My sis and I got kicked out of my mom’s house at the age of 14-15.
Because she and my stepdad moved in together, he had 3 kids of his own and there weren’t enough rooms “We had somewhere else to go, but they didn’t”, so we moved in with our dad who wasn’t able to financially provide for us so we ended up moving in with my aunt.
We lived there for about a year or so not talking to my mom at all. I ended up quitting school in 9th grade and moving in with a boy I was seeing, I ended up living there for 1.5 years till I was made to go back to school.
I moved in with my bff for my jr and sr. Yr of H.S.
After a while I ended up forgiving, not forgetting my mother for abandoning us. My husband and I have 2 kids together, we have been on our own since we met, he helped me buy all my senior things, prom dress, school clothes, everything.
Our kids are now 11 and 13 and my mom has 13 grandkids. The oldest is 18 down to 2. She has always been a selfish person, not noticing when I was younger but the older I get the more I can see it. I also want to add nothing is ever her fault, if something happens it’s never her it’s always someone else.
She never goes to any of the kid’s events. 2 years ago she and my stepdad separated, his youngest child passed away and she left with one of the life insurance checks and moved out after she blew the money she would call my siblings for money for sodas, for us to help pay her bills.
I’ve always felt obligated because she’s my mom.
She also will tell all the grandkids that she wants them to come stay with her or go do stuff with her and never show up. She told my child she needed to do laundry so she couldn’t come over.
There are so many other things I can add to this.
Recently she got remarried. NOT for the right reasons she caught this man meeting up with other women at his work, She kicked him out and eventually let him come back to her house.
I talked to her on a Tuesday she said they were done, over and she wasn’t letting him come back to her house and they went and got married the next day on Wednesday. Now she tells my sister that she doesn’t love him, she never will again, and as long as he gives her money and fixes up HER house he can stay there, but as soon as he stops he’s out of there and they’re over.
I don’t want my children to see that or think that’s how love is. I just don’t want to show up for someone who never has shown up for me, my children, or anyone unless it benefits her. If we wouldn’t let her borrow money she wouldn’t talk to us for days, then she would text wanting something and as long as I was helping her she was calling asking how I was all the things moms do.
Right now it’s been 3 weeks since I spoke to her and she only texted to ask me to help decorate the pavilion for the reception it has been months since I spoke to her.
So would I be the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You need to go to NC with your mom. If not for your sake for your children’s sake. She put two kids out to move in a man and his kids. That is so vile. She is not a safe or trustworthy person. Y W B T J if you continue to let her have access to your kids.
Don’t set them up for disappointment. Your oldest is almost the same age you were when she put you out” fancyandfab
Another User Comments:
“NTJ- she may have given birth to you but she’s not a true mum. She has shown you time and again where her priorities lie- anything that benefits her.
Not that you have to answer the question, just something to think about. When she borrows money, does she pay you back? Does she offer to help without the expectation of getting something in return? If the answer is ‘no’ then I think you know the answer.
Relationships are as strong as what BOTH parties bring. Feelings and actions should be equal and reciprocated otherwise they’re empty and void of anything meaningful. If she is that negative an influence, do you want that around your children? Based on how she’s treated you, it sounds like she’ll only break their hearts the way she’s continuing to break yours.” jupiter0342
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You need an immense amount of therapy and to NC with your mom. Not only does she treat you terribly, but you are now letting her treat your kids terribly. You didn’t deserve that and I’m sorry there wasn’t someone in your life to protect you.
But now you’re not protecting your kids. You said you don’t want your kids to see their relationship and think that’s how love works…but they see how you let your mom treat you and how you let her treat them and they are learning from that as well.” saintandvillian
1. AITJ For Refusing To Pay For Professional Makeup I Didn't Agree To At A Wedding?
“My friend since high school invited me to be a bridesmaid at her wedding. On the group chat with the other bridesmaids, she confirmed we could get our makeup done with a professional makeup artist for around $70-80 or we could do it ourselves. I confirmed I would be doing it myself and only 2 of the 6 bridesmaids agreed to professional makeup.
I have a small makeup collection but very curated. I do my makeup every time I go to work so 2-3 times a week as I work hybrid. I did my makeup for other events such as weddings and fancy holiday parties and the photos always turn out good.
But when I went to the house of the bride to get ready, she made me open my makeup bag so she could inspect it. I showed her and she said there weren’t enough products in there and they looked used so I didn’t have what I needed to do what she wanted. I said I do what she was looking for every day a soft matte face with neutral lipstick and a shiny lid look.
I showed her a photo of my daily makeup that I wear to work and said I brought an eyeshadow pot that I would add as a topper and get me to the exact look she wanted. She told me she had told all the girls who were doing their makeup to buy all new makeup and I hadn’t complied. She had on the group chat said not to use old makeup and to get new stuff but I took that to mean not to use makeup that wouldn’t work and not that she required brand new stuff for everything.
None of my makeup was old and I know how it performed, the formulas were still good. I insisted they were fine and she began to raise her voice saying it was her wedding and I was ruining it by not trying to look good on camera.
I told her I didn’t want to pay for the extra cost for makeup I could do myself and she didn’t say anything just asked the makeup artist if they could fit me in last minute and they agreed. I saw the other girls doing makeup and they had huge makeup bags and I had a small one but I don’t believe it means they are using even close to all of the products.
The makeup looked exactly like what I could do to myself, the makeup artist even used the eyeshadow pot I brought. I thought because I pointed out not wanting to pay for the cost and she didn’t say anything she was paying for it.
But I got a Venmo request for payment for the professional makeup. I called the bride and told her I didn’t agree to it and she got mad and argued I got it done, the makeup was on my face so I had to pay her back.
I told her I could have done the exact look by myself and she told me I had “old makeup” with “ratchety brands” which made her have no confidence they would look good. I’m shocked because at least half my makeup is from Sephora and yes I also use NYX and Essence but they work just fine.
I hung up and have been ignoring the Venmo reminders but my partner thinks I should pay to keep the friendship.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re a friend, not a decoration, and your partner is wack for wanting you to pay for someone who treated you that way.
Also, NYX is the bomb, their eyeliner is structural and one tube of liquid eyeliner outlasted my first car” Sea_Body5315.
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The request for “new makeup” makes absolutely no sense. If you’re using the same products it’s going to look the same brand new as it does half used. If anything, it looks better when it’s not brand new.
I always find with things like mascara and eyeliner, the first time you use them there’s too much product on the tip/brush and it’s hard to control and put on nicely. I’m an absolute makeup fiend. I probably have about $10,000 worth of makeup. That’s not an exaggeration.
But I don’t use most of it. I have a couple of key products I use regularly and the other stuff I save for extreme looks when I go to music festivals or for Halloween. You were right in thinking those girls wouldn’t use most of what was in their makeup bags.” AriasK
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you didn’t order it, or agree to pay it therefore nope. I’ll tell you now those big brands sell the same stuff as the ‘cheaper brands’. My partner works with a lot of high street retailers and many makeup brands doing their IT systems. Usually, it’s one large parent company that owns many many smaller brands.
They’re all owned by a few companies and they deliberately have many different brands like BarryM, Maybelline, NYX, Rimmel, Revlon, own brands, etc at different price points to get the most customers. They do all their R&D independently but their products are made all very much the same way, in the same facilities, same ingredients from the same suppliers because they’re the same parent company.
So she can take her desire to have all-new makeup for her ONE special day. and shove it up her entitled backside. Unless she is footing the cost of your new makeup collection no way. You know what my friend asked me to do for her wedding.
Have fun. Enjoy the day and bring a prop mailbox for her cards. I didn’t have to buy anything posh or any stupid requests. She was stunning, the day was stunning she wasn’t stressed over obscene requests and it was a lovely time for everyone.
Remove this ‘friend’ from your life. She’s not a true friend.” CrankyArtichoke
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