People Look To Us To Advice Regarding Their "Am I The Jerk" Stories
18. AITJ For Telling My Friend That It's Embarrassing When She Talks To Her Dog In Public?
“My friend, Emily, has a golden retriever that is constantly grunting to get what he wants. He is a very sassy and demanding dog, he will grunt at you for food, pets, and walks. Like if I stop petting him, he will look at me and grunt to get me to continue.
We live very close to each other and I accompany them on their walks a few times a week. Emily likes to act like she and her dog are having actual conversations, which is fine at home, but weird in public. I asked her a few times before not to do it on our walks, but she just finds it funny.
Yesterday we sat down on a bench in the park in the middle of our walk and her dog wanted us to continue walking so he was grunting at us. Emily took this as an opportunity to pretend to have a conversation with him.
By conversation I mean something like this:
Emily: XY said this to me yesterday, can you imagine?
Dog: grunts
Emily: Right?! That’s what I said too.
Dog: grunts
Emily: I’m so happy you are on my side… and so on, and so on.
People walking by us were laughing at us and I asked Emily to stop, but she didn’t.
So I told her it was embarrassing and left her there.
Emily is now mad at me for leaving her there, but the reason I left was that she was acting embarrassed in public and didn’t stop when I asked her to. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
It seems you are shaming your friend for being affectionate and loving to her dog. Dogs are living beings too. Even if they do not speak the same language as us, they most of the time communicate like that.
Also, these conversations are one of the most common ways that a person is bonding with their pet or animal they’re familiar with.
The same way many parents talk to/with their babies even if the baby does not know how to speak.
Also, you said it yourself. These grunts the dog makes are one of his ways to communicate with the people around him even if he doesn’t speak the same language as you.
You should apologize. If you find it that hard to accept that people talk with their loved animals (that most people think of them as a family), then you should either stop commenting on it negatively and just ignore it, or stop going out with them if you’re that against their interactions.” Huntress_Nyx
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
But, let me try to kindly explain. I used to think the way you think. And everyone is entitled to how they feel. However; your friend isn’t ‘being embarrassing’.
You simply are uncomfortable being silly in public yourself. Which means, if others are silly with you, in public.
You react as if any reactions to them, are to you as well.
And whether or not that actually plays out that way or not, doesn’t matter.
What matters is realizing this is an insecurity that you have. Now, if you don’t like being silly in public?
Thats fine. Dont be. But the insecurity starts to surface once you get upset at someone else for being comfortable in a situation where you aren’t. So you just, can’t fathom why they aren’t.
Let her do her thing. I’d bet $20 the people laughing at her were laughing cuz it’s funny.
Not being malicious. And even if they were, so what?
I used to care so much that I had a hard time being playful with my own child at the park. Years later? We both make race car sounds when we stroll through Costco. And I could care less what others around me think.
It’s ok to feel how you feel, to each their own. The issue came about when you told her she was embarrassing. You are embarrassed by her. She’s not embarrassed by herself. So leave her be. Go apologize. Or if you can’t look past her personality, then do her and yourself a favor and politely move on from this friendship so ya’ll can find other peeps.
Good luck Op.” OsaBear92
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
If she doesn’t mind talking to her dog in public, then why should you? She can do what she wants, (also it’s not weird, a lot of people do this), and if it really bothers you then maybe consider walking with her when she isn’t with the dog.
Don’t just impose your own wants on someone. There are many solutions or accommodations that can be negotiated for rather than just abandoning her and probably making her feel self-conscious about something she enjoys.” Dasaria_Ruea_Alhre
17. AITJ For Not Attending My Friend's Third Wedding?
“I (33 Gay) have had a friend since college, whom we’ll call John (34 Bi). Over the years I’ve attended his first two weddings to women, both of whom he’s had children with, I’ve become friends with them as one does with their good friend’s partners, but his most recent marriage just ended, and she was kind of blindsided. It turns out she never knew he was bi and he left her because he wanted to be with a guy.
That was about two years ago. He’s now engaged to a guy, getting married this summer. I RSVP’d no to this one. He called upset, and to be fair I gave him a runaround answer, saying that I just couldn’t make it. In reality, I’m annoyed at how he’s handled things, felt like he’s been jumping in and out of marriages on a whim, toying with them, you don’t have a kid and abandon them just because you want to date someone else.
(The kids all live hours apart so it’s not like he could be a big part of their lives still).
A couple of friends of ours have said I’m being an here and I should be happy he’s ‘finally living his authentic life’ yada yada yada… Why does that give him a pass to kind of use and dismiss people like he’s been doing?
I don’t feel like I need to be at THIS wedding, I’ll just catch the next one.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Weddings are supposed to be events where you invite friends and family to take part in this special moment in your life… starts being way less special the third time around, especially when the second ends with either him saying he wanted to have an affair, or pretty much just told his wife he was done with her and wanted something new, leaving his children in the process.” No-Personality5421
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I commend your ability to recognize that you just can’t celebrate with your friend when marriage seems to be like changing shampoo. He’s a father and has a commitment to these children and using the ‘be my authentic self’ tactic is nothing but manipulation and skirting said responsibility.
Being bi doesn’t give someone the right to neglect their role as a parent, and honestly sounds like marriage number 2 was never going to last since he didn’t even tell his wife about his love life. When he married her he made the choice to love her and only her for the rest of his life.
That doesn’t mean he won’t be aroused by other people, it means he made the decision to be in a monogamous relationship with her. That’s what marriage is, people in happy and full filling relationships aren’t blind to other attractive people, they just love the one person enough for that one person to be enough… If your buddy wants a different partner every few years maybe they should consider a domestic partnership instead of marriage?” Happy_Dragonfruit887
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If he was an unlucky widower or escaping an abusive marriage, having a third wedding might be an occasion to celebrate. My great great grandmother had a third marriage, for instance, but she was a widow twice in a time period where this wasn’t uncommon (think WWI and the Spanish flu era).
John, on the other hand, is selfishly discarding entire families to follow his whims.
I think a lot of people get squeamish about criticizing men or women who leave a straight marriage for a gay marriage. They want to feel like they are loving, accepting, and definitely not homophobic, and so they cheer on wholeheartedly situations that they probably wouldn’t condone if the man was leaving his wife for another woman.
But you don’t get to be a jerk just because you’re bi, and John is absolutely the jerk here. He’s only thinking about himself and his desires, and it’s okay, and even admirable, to not want to participate in that.” succedaneousone
16. AITJ For Not Liking How Obsessed My Mother-In-Law Is With My Son?
“I have a 4 -year-old and I am due with baby #2 mid-year.
My husband (27) and I (25) have been together since we were teens. MIL (47) was jealous of the get-go of our relationship. I’ve read up a bit on this, it’s to do with her not having their emotional needs met by a partner so they subconsciously use their son to meet those needs.
Then when I fell pregnant with my now 4 yr old, she kept saying ‘my baby’ and sometimes she would slip and start referring to hubby as our child’s ‘brother’. This continued my whole pregnancy and she would boast about it to anyone and everyone. Then when he was born it all amplified. She wanted to take him to spend alone time with him from the time he was a couple of weeks old.
And would be offended when we said no. She would always say that grandma loves him more than his parents do. She would kick up a giant stink whenever she wasn’t able to take him out alone, She never wanted to spend time with him around us.
there were so many times when we tried to set boundaries but she would always do it her way and guilt trip us. When we would do things together she would physically push the pram out of my hands and she would push the pram EVERYWHERE anytime we were together ‘I’ll push my baby’ and I was never allowed. she would never correct people if they assumed she was his mother.
And as his parents, we thought that was too weird. he is always ‘her grandson’ but never ever is he our son. anytime we do anything it is ALWAYS about her. It’s like she’s now using my son to meet her emotional needs which even though it’s subconscious, to me it’s SICK!
I have tried to place more boundaries but always get met with guilt trips.
when we go places together where my son will experience what I call ‘firsts’ all of those things are taken over by her. Even just small details like going to buy a drink, she NEEDS to take him instead of us.
she either takes him and does them without us or I’ll say hey maybe he could do that with his parents too and she will be unhappy and making sure that he holds HER HAND and he’s sitting next to her and not us, she always makes sure if he comes over to me that she gets his attention back onto her.
She constantly tells him she loves him the most, he’s her favorite, he’s her favorite person, and any time we do anything together to make her the center of his attention.
Now that I’m having another baby (also a boy) I have been worried it’ll be the same thing all over again.
But it’s not. I caught her telling my son (don’t worry you will be grandma’s favorite always you are grandma’s boy you won’t have to share I’ll always be your favorite person) and that is just horrible. She is saying things like ‘you and grandma can do things together and mum and dad can have the new baby’.
Am I the jerk for thinking that this is just absurd behavior!?
EDIT – We have had many talks… me alone with her, him alone with her, us together with her, it always ends with her crying and guilt-tripping us
EDIT 2 – I understand that sometimes it is hard to look in from the outside when you are stuck on the inside.
For a while there I thought taking her away may have been a bad decision because of how much he adores her. In my mind, I was taking away someone he cherished. I can now see what it is from the outside looking in, just needed that boost to get there and get out of the box.
The guilt I was feeling was mainly because of how he felt toward her, which now I get. How could a 4-year-old not cherish someone who gives into his every whim? I get that now that’s actually manipulation but when you stand here and watch them and you watch how his eyes light up when she’s around and how excited he is, it does take a little bit of a shove to look at it from a different angle and has that realization moment.”
Another User Comments:
“Stop. Letting. Her. Manipulate. You.
Who cares about the guilt trips?
Enforce your boundaries. She disregards them then she is put in the naughty corner (no contact for a month). Slow introduction, she breaks the boundaries and then back into the naughty corner for longer.
Who cares about what his family says? You are letting them all manipulate you. Tell them she went against your parenting and she is in time out until she can respect that, and that you have no problem putting them in time out too.
She will be turning her child against you, it’s already happening.
For the first few months after the baby is born don’t let her come around, she will be turning your child against you and the baby.
NTJ
If possible I’d be moving further away. It will be best for your family if your jobs allow it.” Status-Pattern7539
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. You need to prioritize your and your husband’s family unit over his extended family. When you get married and start a family, your priorities shift towards putting your own family you create together first. Grandma is absolutely undermining your marriage and authority as a parent.
You & your husband shouldn’t tolerate that. EVER.
Not only that, but Grandma’s emotional manipulation is going to do a number on the 4-year-old if it hasn’t begun already. If this escalates, it could develop into parental alienation ESPECIALLY with the new baby on the way.
He’s going to have some big feelings and I can see her twisting that into something like ‘Mommy and Daddy don’t have time for you/don’t love you anymore, but you’re Grandma’s boy, and you’ll always be my favorite’ etc. and she could either try to coerce him into living with her or straight up kidnap him.
72% of all kidnappings in the US are committed by family members. You might want to look into a restraining order; you mentioned you live about 4.5 hours away, but I doubt that would stop her. Your children’s safety is more important than her ‘happiness’.
As the saying goes, it takes a village to raise a child, but the village you surround your children with should be a positive influence.
If you want this woman in your lives, you need to lay down the law and set strict boundaries with her. The time to do this was years ago, but it’s better late than never at all. If she doesn’t want to respect them, you need to go absolutely no contact and not care what the rest of the family thinks.
Their guilt trips aren’t valid. You don’t need this kind of toxicity in your lives. This isn’t ‘normal’ behavior and the kids do not need to see this normalized.” deathtonormalcy
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is really unhealthy on her part. You and your husband may want to look into couples counseling.
Not because you have problems but so that you can learn how to present a united front and additional strategies on how to deal with the fallout of your hard boundaries. Therapists are great for helping you figure out situations, and how to take action.
You also have a bit of a husband problem. This is his mother, and he should be taking the lead on shutting his mother down. It sounds as if he’s passively standing by, and he needs to step up even more than you. It’s probably harder for him because she ‘programmed’ him, but all the more reason for counseling to learn how to stand firm against her.” MbMinx
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here for failing to protect your son from emotional i****t for literally FOUR YEARS. This should have been SHUT DOWN DAY ONE. You should be in no contact with your MIL and she should never have been allowed to be alone with him.
I personally find this story full of negligence and child endangerment, you left an innocent and helpless child with an unhinged person who has an I****TUOUS INTEREST IN HIM. And you KNOW that you used the definition of the term emotional i****t without using the term itself or addressing the fact that emotional i****t is almost never the solitary violation against the child in the cases where it is present.
The risk of child mistreatment is so SO high in the situation you have described, I would actually be surprised if some form of serious neglect hasn’t occurred at this point. She is obviously the bigger jerk and the active threat to your son’s safety and well-being, but you literally ignored scarlet flags on FIRE and never protected him from her and that’s also horrible.” Helpmouseslc
15. WIBTJ If I Report A Missing Package?
“Yesterday, I (25F) got a delivery notification including a photo of my package on the wrong porch with the incorrect house number in the frame. I submitted a note saying it was the wrong address. I was at work that so I didn’t think about it until I got a text from my SO (27M) saying the driver came back to our house and was asking my SO to retrieve the package (he works evenings so this woke him up).
SO said the guy told him he was going to get his pay docked and gives him his number asking him to text if he gets the package.
We both thought it was weird, but, you know, working-class solidarity… So he went over and tried a couple of times during the day, no answer.
Later the driver called me asking if I got it. He told me I needed to get it and confirm or his pay would be docked. I told him my neighbors never answer their door and didn’t know what else to do. He said his pay was going to be docked and that he didn’t understand what happened and why I didn’t get the package.
I told him I sympathized with his situation and didn’t agree with his pay getting docked but he sent me the photo that showed the wrong house number. He asked me how much the package was. I told him it was $12. He said okay and hung up.
20 minutes later he called again and said the neighbors weren’t answering him and he kept repeating we need to get the package or his pay would be docked. I told him I understood and was sorry, but I truly did not have the package and didn’t know what to do.
A woman came on and repeated what the guy has been telling me, both of them getting louder and talking over each other. The woman said, ‘If you get the package you need to confirm delivery. Please be kind.’ I said, ‘I don’t know what to tell you.
I’m sorry. But I don’t have the package.’ She hung up.
At this point, I was a little scared. I was alone and they knew where I lived. They sounded angry.
2 minutes later, they called again and said been here three times that day, and I needed to help them, getting louder and louder.
I tried to remain friendly and said I sympathized with them and didn’t agree with docking pay. When they repeated themselves I outright said, ‘I don’t make a living wage either and I’m sorry. If I got the package I promise I will confirm receipt but I absolutely do not have it.’ She said okay and hung up.
The driver had also been texting my SO at work asking for updates. He told the driver to stop calling me.
It’s unethical to dock someone’s pay and I don’t even care about the stupid package anymore. But they made me so uncomfortable I feel they should be reported. But they’re also immigrants, so I realize it could be cultural differences, and they could be in a much more tenuous position.
Obviously, my neighbors are the real jerks here for taking the package instead of returning it. But WIBTJ if I called the company to complain about this delivery driver?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You didn’t get a package that you had paid for. It isn’t your responsibility to correct the driver’s error, and it’s way out of line for the driver to harass you to try to make you correct his mistake.
It’s not your responsibility to make up for any pay he gets docked for his mistake. Is that even legal?! If he calls again, I’d report him to corporate headquarters for harassment. It is not okay to badger a customer to correct a mistake he’s made.” SirMittensOfTheHill
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for not wanting to be responsible for locating your package. The delivery driver had the address on the package and even gave you proof that he delivered it to the wrong address. That was his fault and his fault alone, so the company has every right to dock his pay for his mistake if he can’t fix it.
That being said, I don’t think he would be as concerned over a $12 package if this was his first mistake. By how he was harassing you two, and this would definitely qualify as harassment, I would be willing to bet that this is just one of several incorrect deliveries.” TimelySecretary1191
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
HE delivered it to the wrong address. HE needs to go after it. It’s not up to you, and you should definitely report him to the company, not only for the messed up delivery and his handling of it but also for harassing you and your SO.
They may dock his pay for the amount of the package, but that’s fair since you never got it.” trappergraves
14. AITJ For Not Paying For My Daughter's University Fees But Paying For Her Brother's?
“My (57M) daughter Jane (21F) has recently been accepted into the university of her choice, now I and my wife (55F) are glad about this news, the only thing is that Jane got accepted to do an English degree.
Now Jane, compared to her two brothers Mark (28M) and Leo (30M) was quite late in applying to university. When I and my wife asked her to start at 18 she claimed that she was not ready and wanted to have a ‘little rest’, a little rest being going out with friends and traveling the whole of last year with her significant other.
It should be noted that I supplied Jane with all the needed for her little rest.
Now I and my wife have nothing against Jane doing what she did, she’s young and young people live to explore and do what they do, however before I and my wife allowed Jane to do her thing we made her promise that when she did apply to university it was for a degree that was worth it – Jane was going through a weird phase where she wanted to be many things that were more on the creative side.
Fast forward a year later we find out that Jane’s gone behind our backs and applied for an English degree.
Both Leo and Mark took medical degrees and are now very good, well paid doctors. One would think that this would motivate Janet to go on the same path but instead, she has decided to be ‘herself’.
I sat down with Jane last night and told her that if she decided to go through with the English degree, I would not support her at all and that she would have to take out her own student loan, at this she began crying claiming that I was the ‘worst dad ever’ and had always favored her brothers over her (because I had paid for their university fees) – now this is totally incorrect I did literally pay for her travel all of last year.
My sons think that I’m being too harsh and that I should simply support Jane regardless of what she chooses, but is it too much to ask of my daughter to follow through with an actually useful degree?
EDIT: My daughter’s year of travel does not add up to her brother’s tuition fees, not even close.
Also, I work as a cardiologist.
My not wanting my daughter to do an English degree is not because I’m sexist but because I want her to do something useful that she can live off instead of depending on me for the rest of her life.
I don’t even know if this is something she really wants to do or if it’s another way of trying to rebel against me.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. This is her life, her future career. She can, and should choose a degree that aligns with her plan.
She is not ‘going behind your back’. She is making choices for her life.
You do not mention specifying that college could ONLY be used for medical school. You should not be dictating what future career your children HAVE to have. Not everyone wants to be a doctor – and there’s nothing wrong with that!
Besides, an English degree is going to cost you less than medical school.
Your son sees that you are a jerk. Their sister wants to go to college and get a degree. You paid for them, but you refuse to pay for her. This is unfair.
They know it. Why don’t you?” MbMinx
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Many, and I can’t stress this enough, MANY people have English degrees working both in and outside of the ‘English’ field. You can do countless things with an English degree. By you saying you aren’t supporting this choice, you are ‘not supporting her’ and are instead telling her why her choice is stupid, why it’s not as good as her brothers, etc.
Honestly, you should be ashamed of how easy it is for you to instantly not support YOUR CHILD because you don’t think the education she is choosing is worth your investment. How about supporting her because she is showing her maturity and commitment to her plan of taking time off to ‘rest’ and then going to school after like she said.” ThrowAwayCatBalloon
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Look around you at successful, well-adjusted people. Some will have no degree at all. Some will have medical degrees. And some will have English degrees.
The happiest, most successful person I know is a literary agent for one of the top agencies in London.
She has an English degree. Yes, she can spell ‘paid’ and do a lot of other interesting things, too. I also know a lot of authors. They have English degrees, too. Why would you consider literature a ‘wasteful’ degree? We are shaped by what we read.
Perhaps you don’t read enough?
It’s absolutely no good for Jane wasting years on a degree she may very well drop out of. Medicine is a real vocation; you’ve got to want to do it. Forcing her is futile and expensive. You’re punishing her for not fitting your very niche ideal of a ‘successful’ adult.
You will lose Jane if you punish her for wanting to do what she’s good at. Think about whether it’s worth it. Happy daughter, or dropout doctor. Your choice.” Holiday_Cat_7284
13. AITJ For Not Wanting My Disrespectful Cousin At My Wedding?
“I (25M) am getting married next month to my fiancé (26F). We have been planning our wedding for over a year and we have a strict guest limit of 100 people due to the venue and our budget.
We decided to invite only our closest family and friends, and we had to make some tough choices about who to include or exclude.
One of the people we decided not to invite was my cousin (28M). He and I were never close growing up, and he has always been rude and disrespectful to me and my fiancé.
He has made fun of our relationship, called us names, spread rumors about us, and tried to sabotage our engagement party. He is also a notorious troublemaker who likes to cause drama and start fights at family gatherings. He has been banned from several relatives’ homes for his behavior.
My aunt (his mom) called me yesterday and demanded to know why I didn’t send him an invitation. She said he was hurt and angry that I excluded him from such an important event in my life. She said he deserved to be there as my family and that I was being selfish and petty.
She also threatened to boycott the wedding if I didn’t change my mind.
I told her that I was sorry she felt that way, but I had no intention of inviting him. I said he had done nothing but disrespect me and my fianceé and I didn’t want him to ruin our special day.
I said it was my wedding and I had the right to decide who to invite or not. I said I loved her and hoped she would still come, but I understood if she chose not to.
She hung up on me and later sent me a long text message calling me a horrible person and a bad cousin.
She said I was breaking the family apart and that I would regret my decision. She also said she was not coming to the wedding and neither were any of her other relatives who sided with her.
I feel bad that I upset her and caused a rift in the family, but I also feel like I don’t owe my cousin anything after how he treated me.
My fiancé supports me and says he doesn’t want him there either. Most of my other relatives are on my side too, but some think I should have invited him to keep the peace.
AITJ for not inviting my cousin to my wedding?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and use the freshly released seats to invite some of your friends who might have otherwise missed out on the special event. Make no mistake, let there be only those who wish to share your happiness be there for the event and all of those sulkies can stay at home.
It’s your wedding and the last person you want there is some creep who disrespected you and your fiancee and an aunt who doesn’t have much common sense. Getting on with life and getting rid of some of the relatives isn’t a bad wedding tradition as you will be getting a good number of new ones anyway.
You can’t keep everyone happy and you surely don’t have to. It’s your special day and congrats.” SPolowiski
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are not causing the rift; your cousin and aunt are. Not only did he not deserve to be invited since he had no respect for your relationship, but you could not trust him being that he has a history of causing problems with other family members as well.
You are probably lucky if the family members that side with your aunt even though her son behaves this way stay home if they were even invited in the first place.
I really do not understand the audacity of people who think they have the right to determine who gets to be invited to your event.
I would make sure you have someone to keep your cousin and aunt out if they attempt to come to your wedding as you know they will only be there to cause problems at this point.” TimelySecretary1191
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and you should not feel bad that you upset her.
She upset herself, at that in a rage because you don’t want her troublesome son at your event.
Enough with the relatives venting in fury because you won’t play the doormat. Why don’t you treat them with less care and more distaste for their narcissism?
They sure don’t treat you with care.
The cousin is bad news, you did the right thing, your aunt is awful, and let’s hope she doesn’t come. She doesn’t sound like the life of the party, anyway. No loss.” RealbadtheBandit
12. AITJ For Letting My Children Skip My Stepdaughter's Party?
“My husband and I have three biological children together, he adopted my child from a prior relationship and I am a stepmother to his adult child.
My husband was divorced from my stepdaughter’s mom. She was 8 when my husband and I became serious and my son was still a baby. Not long after my stepdaughter’s mom died. My husband and I had talked about marrying before she died and we delayed it for a couple of years to allow my stepdaughter time to grieve and adjust to the changes in her life.
This was with the help of therapy, of course. We knew a child who lost someone so close would need extra help.
Now my stepdaughter is 20, my son is 12 and our children together are 7, 6, and 4.
So what happened here is my stepdaughter and her SO recently moved into a house together.
She asked for help setting up their dining room and we all went over to help her. Her house was covered in photos. The landing had them, a living room, a kitchen, etc. There was not a single photo of her siblings in the house, or me, but it was not seeing one of the kids that led to this.
She had her parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, her cousins, and friends. But there was no sign of the kids anywhere.
All of the photos with her dad were older ones, from before we met. My 12-year-old, 7, and 6-year-olds noticed because they were excited to look around her house.
I couldn’t help but notice because her SO had so many of his siblings and because there were some, what felt like deliberate choices, to make sure she used photos that didn’t contain her siblings. Including extended family photos from years ago with my husband’s side that were taken before her dad and I met.
And we know she has photos with her siblings.
I always knew she wasn’t super crazy about her siblings. I always hoped as she got older she would feel love for them. But it feels like she doesn’t think of them as a family or as special enough to be included. The three kids who noticed were hurt.
My husband tried to assure them it was likely an oversight on her part and he called her the next day to ask. She said she had only wanted photos with people she considered family and she didn’t consider us family.
We were all invited to her housewarming party.
But the kids did not want to go. My husband and in-laws were shocked and said they had to go off-course. I argued that they didn’t and I told him I would stay home with them. They argued back to me that the kids needed to be.
I said they did not need to be there and I wouldn’t force them to go when they already feel hurt. My husband and in-laws think I’m unreasonable.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your stepdaughter doesn’t see them as family and probably only tolerates them.
I think keeping your distance is the way to go here. Don’t teach your kids to tolerate these kinds of situations because of ‘family.’ It’s setting the wrong precedent.
Your husband and in-laws need to come to grips with the reality of the situation.
It’s sad, but it is what it is. However, it seems like your younger kids’ feelings are at the bottom of their priorities. That’s something you need to take up with your husband.” Fire_or_water_kai
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You can’t force your stepdaughter to feel a certain way about her half-siblings and you shouldn’t put your kids in a situation where they are telling you that they feel unloved/unwanted. I do think that you should continue to talk with all of the kids involved and try family therapy, but forcing any of them into a situation that feels unhealthy isn’t going to help heal anything at this time and your stepdaughter will likely be irritated if they show up to her party being sad/angry/whatever unpleasant feeling they are experiencing due to her slight.
There will be a better time and place to address things.” TypicalHall1811
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. To be clear, neither is your SD, but your husband and in-laws are.
Your SD suffered a huge loss at a young age and as a result, doesn’t see the family she grew into after that loss as her real family.
It is sad both for her and everyone else, but it is the reality and should be respected.
Similarly, your children’s feelings about the situation should also be respected. Your SD had every right to decorate her home how she sees fit, but she should also understand that the result of those choices could mean some people feel unwelcome there.
Her choices and the consequences of them are perfectly understandable. It is just as unfair for your husband and MIL to demand your children go to a place that makes them feel uncomfortable as it would be for you to demand your SD decorate her home to suit yours and your children’s sensibilities.” coppeliuseyes
11. AITJ For Not Defending My Husband From Our Daughter's Question?
“My husband travels for work and regularly works long hours so our children don’t see him every day and they go weeks without seeing him in person sometimes. We had a fight over it recently so he’s been home a lot more.
Our daughter asked him yesterday when he was going home.
She’s 3 and she’s convinced herself that he doesn’t live with us and he only visits sometimes because he isn’t here every day like I am. My husband was upset, especially since he couldn’t convince her he really did live here, and he brought it up before we went to bed because he felt I should’ve done more to make her realize he did live here and he couldn’t always be home because he was working.
I asked him what did he expect and he said I was kicking him while he was already down. He’s also blaming me partly for the situation because I’m the reason we don’t live in the same city as their HQ and he’s been angry with me all day.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, a three-year-old will view the world and try to categorize it to the best of her ability. What your daughter knows: She sees her dad and aunt on FaceTime instead of in person most days, her aunt lives in a different house that she (probably) has been to, and her dad sleeps somewhere else a lot of the time.
To her, he does not live there. It’s sad and heartbreaking but this is reality as she knows it.
You can reassure her that even though he doesn’t always come home, this IS his home. That he IS part of the family. He just goes on long sleepovers for work.
You can reassure your husband that he is doing his best, but that (like everything) the current situation has consequences. I think because you recently argued about this, it’s still a sore subject for you, which caused you to be a little cold during the interaction you describe here.
If I were you I would try to approach the subject with him again and be more understanding. His feelings are hurt by your daughter’s description of her home life. His feelings are just as valid as your daughter’s and yours.” tangerinelibrarian
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
You chose this life. And so did he. And now it’s not fair to your kid.
It’s time for him to stand up to his family and either leave or stop them from harassing you (harassment is illegal, by the way).
And it’s time for you to stand up for yourself and your child and demand a better life for her.
That might be ‘Fine we’re moving back, but if your family harasses me again, I’m getting a restraining order. And we might wind Io leaving again. If we leave again, you will be coming with us and won’t be hanging in limbo here.’
Or it might be ‘It’s been long enough.
Time to leave. They treat you poorly and the situation they have put up in, that you allowed them to put us in, is hurting your daughter.’
If it’s so important to grandpa that he stays… Maybe grandpa needs to step in if he’s still around.
Either way, your husband needs to show his shiny spine and steel-toed boots And put a stop to his family’s misbehavior
Appeal to the big cheese to get rid of the bad actors, in my opinion…
And if big cheese won’t, then that’s big cheese choosing to side with jerks and it’s time to leave anyway.” nottheonlyone007
Another User Comments:
“YTJ because you are a parent here as well. It is equally your job to educate your child. If she cannot believe her dad, then you have a responsibility to teach her.
And no, she absolutely is not too young. My child had to learn a similar lesson at the age of 2.
It’s easy to explain things if you actually try.
Untold numbers of families live in similar situations. Their children typically still know their parents live in the home.
You’re being deliberately obtuse to punish your husband for his time away, and it’s going to end up harming your child.
You should try communicating with the other adult, like an adult, rather than weaponizing your child.” AnonymousTruths1979
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here except for your daughter. Your husband got his feelings hurt because his daughter made a comment that drove home what he was already worried about, he’s not around enough.
He is taking part of his hurt out on you. That’s not fair to you but it’s human nature to lash out when we’re hurt. Instead of looking for a solution and helping your daughter understand the situation better your defensive approach to it is to lash back out.
Also not ok.
It’s hard to get a 3-year-old to fully understand but it’s not impossible. And yes you should be helping to reassure her that her daddy does in fact live there. You both should be but since you’re with her more it is on you more than him.
You know her better and know the things to say that she’ll understand better than he does. That’s not a jab at him it’s just the fact of the matter that you know her better.
3-year-olds, especially newly 3-year-olds, don’t really understand time/days/distance well but if you can put it into words she will understand.
‘Remember when we went to x place on vacation and it took a really long time to get there, well we were what’s called out of town, or traveling. Daddy has to go out of town for work sometimes and since it takes so long to get there he has to stay there a few days at a time before he can come home again like we came home again after our trip.
Just because he goes out of town does not mean he does not live here. See how all our things are here since we live here, well so are his.’ And then point them out.
Then tell her over and over again. Help her understand that just because he’s not there that day does not mean he does not live there, it’s his home too and it’s where he’ll always come back to when his trip is over.
He also needs to do this but you need to do it daily while he’s gone.
My kids sometimes go a full week without seeing their father because his hours are so long, leaves before we get up, and gets home after the kids are in bed. But even on those weeks, they know he does come home.
My older kids understood this around 2.5/3 years old because we put it in words they could understand. I knew which ways to explain to which kid better than my husband did since I’m always with them and know them better. Does he like that, no but it is just how it goes when one parent isn’t always home.” Mother-Efficiency391
10. AITJ For Not Wanting To Help The Kid Pick Up Dog Poop?
“I am (24F) and have been au-pairing (caring for children and doing domestic work for a family in return for room and board and the opportunity to learn the family’s language) for about 6 years. I just recently started working for a family that has a boy (12) and a girl (10).
Every day after homework I take the two (about 6 months old) dogs for a walk with the daughter. The family has had them since last year and I started working for the family in Feb.
The other day the daughter came to me and said ‘WE need to go pick up ****, my mom said you must help me.’ I was a bit taken aback because surely I’m not needed for such?
It can be a one-man job and the daughter is old enough to do it. Anyway, reluctantly I did it with her and showed her a quick and easier way of getting it done.
The next day, the same story. I told her that I’m sure she knows how to do it after yesterday and doesn’t need me.
After a lot of hesitation and procrastinating from her, she went outside and I held the bag open.
Now, again yesterday before taking the dogs for a walk she said we have to pick up ****. I said ‘Oh, but we did it yesterday? Isn’t it your brother’s turn?’ She said, ‘No, he doesn’t do it.’ He actually sits and plays video games and doesn’t even walk the dogs with us.
Not once have I seen him pick up the ****p.
She then says, ‘if we are going to take the dogs for a walk then we need to pick up ****.’
I’d really like to bring this up with the mom as I really don’t believe this falls under my list of responsibilities and is unfair that I have to be involved but her son isn’t.
I do have five dogs of my own and pick up after them every day. It’s unfortunately one of the things that come with owning dogs.
Before I go to the mom (I hate confrontation), am I wrong for thinking this isn’t part of my job and I shouldn’t have to be a part of it?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and it’s not what you are getting paid to do. They are making you a dog walker for free when they are paying you for looking after the child. Do take it up with the parent that you aren’t going to walk their dogs and they need to find someone else to do it.
Also do make it clear that the dog is not your responsibility and if the child isn’t trained to take care of the dog’s poo, then it’s her problem to deal with it.
Also, refuse to go walking with the dog to avoid the situation as a 10-year-old is well capable of cleaning up after the dog and their reluctance to do it is not your responsibility.
Leave the dog at home or stay at home.” SPolowiski
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Why are you reluctant to ask your employer about an apparent increase in your job duties? How is taking the word of a 10-year-old and not confirming that ‘mom said’ it the very first day the option you preferred?
By making yourself subservient to a child rather than speaking one or two sentences to your employer, you are a jerk letting a bad situation worsen. You need to communicate and maintain boundaries as a responsible adult. Learn to say ‘no’ to unpaid work. Do not ever take a child’s word that you have additional job duties.
You are in a position where you could be vulnerable to massive unpaid job creep. YOU need to maintain boundaries around your job and your time off duty.
You need to be clear on your work hours, pay, and job duties. None of those should change without mutual agreement between yourself and your employers.
Stick to the duties in your contract. Don’t do ‘favors’ that become expected additional unpaid work.
If you devote energy to actively avoiding conversations with your employers about your job, you are abdicating your rights and responsibilities to protect yourself in professional relationships.
Those kids are playing you.
12 year old can walk that dog. They are both old enough to feed and clean up after their pet. It will always be easiest for them for someone else to do it. That’s no reason for you to add unpaid pet care to your duties.” curious382
Another User Comments:
“Mostly NTJ
What does your contract say about pets? Usually, there is a line about what duties are and are not included, and I thought most specifically cover pet care. For example, I wouldn’t expect an au-pair to groom a pet or feed a pet unless it was specifically covered in the contract.
Usually, there is a note about ‘light housework’.
Where I debate a little is that if you’re out with the child and playing with the dog who poops, it feels like you should/could probably help tidy up after the dog. If you showed up at the house and they handed you a bag saying ‘clean the poop out of the yard’, that’s a hard no.
I don’t think it would hurt to help, but if you absolutely don’t want to, you’re probably in your right not to.” RandomizedNameSystem
9. AITJ For Asking My Housemate To Pay For The Food She Took?
“I’m (21f) an international student studying abroad (UK). I live with four other people, but we each have our bathrooms. We share the kitchen/communal area.
For the past few weeks, my depression has worsened with school and work. Hence, I stopped eating properly. After finding out about this, my twin brother flew to manchester (where I’m staying) from London (where he’s studying) to cook meals for me.
He made quite a lot and put them in the freezer so I could reheat and eat them. I’ve been feeling a bit better now.
Now the issue is, I suspect my housemate Jenna has been stealing my food. Because every time I check, they’re missing or look like someone has touched them.
I don’t suspect my other three roommates because 2 of them are vegan/vegetarians, and the other is currently back home with his parents due to family issues. I believe that she knows my class and work schedule because it looks like she cooks my food when I’m not around.
But three days ago, I came home earlier than expected and walked in on her cooking my food with her friends. I lost my patience and screamed at her. I called her many names and embarrassed her in front of her friends. She had been lying to her friends that she cooked it, and they were embarrassed for her and left. That night she sent me a long paragraph on how disappointed she was in me, and she took my food because she was hungry and had financial issues.
I feel bad, but that’s not my problem. So I told her to pay me for the food she had taken because I’m not rich, and my brother had to take time off his work and school to cook for me. She called me a witch and has been ignoring me since.
My other housemates are on my side, too, but they could be biased because they’ve always hated Jenna – she doesn’t clean up after herself and brings in a lot of friends regularly which disturbs their study schedule.
My family thinks I’m not a jerk, but my friends think I should’ve handled it differently.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Your roommate is embarrassed because her actions were embarrassing. It’d be bad enough if she was pinching your food because she was hungry and out of money. But she had to take it a step further – she stole your food so she could treat her friends, too.
She’s embarrassed because they’re all upset that she included them in her bad behavior. Actions have consequences, and now she’s got to deal with the ones she has earned. NTJ.” KaliTheBlaze
Another User Comments:
“Yes, you could have handled it a bit more tactfully, no question.
But I don’t think you’re the jerk here. Jenna is actually stealing from you. You’re living with people that you are supposed to be able to trust. Clearly, she is not trustworthy. If she’s stealing your food, what else is she doing? But who’s to say had you been more tactful she would have stopped?
Sometimes embarrassing someone the way you did will put a stop to it. And now her friends know what a lying stealing jerk she is.” Embarrassed-Math-699
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’d report her thefts to the university/landlord/whoever houses you in case this escalates.
Also, financial problems are no excuse. Universities have all sorts of financial help for students, she should have asked for official help instead of stealing. The fact she didn’t makes me think she doesn’t actually have financial problems but was saying that to guilt trip you.
I remember once when the student loan company was a few days late paying our loans, and I and several other low-income students had no for food. we asked the uni for help, and the uni gave us each a cheque for £100, which we did not have to pay back.
Unis also offer bursaries and all sorts of other stuff for students, they can give free vouchers for food too. This student has no excuse for stealing your food at all. Please do report her.” Amalthea_The_Unicorn
8. AITJ For Telling Someone At The Gym To Get Off An Equipment She's Not Using?
“I (33F) was working out on a machine behind the lat pull-downs and saw this lady (prob in her early 40s, very fit) sitting on one of the machines, chatting away, not doing a single rep.
The other lat pull-down was occupied by two guys going pretty hard.
A little background: This lady is a repeat offender-she loves to sit on a machine – not use it – and chat with people… once the conversation is done she’ll eventually start her workout (the number of times I’ve waited for her on the leg abductor and leg press while she chatted away not using the machine… I digress… back to the story).
I saw a timid girl (probably late teens early 20s) shyly/very politely ask the lady if she could work in-the lady said no, that she hadn’t used it yet. The girl walked away, looking embarrassed.
I got hot.
I called out to the lady and said with very clear irritation ‘excuse me, ma’am, hey.
It’s very busy right now. I’ve watched you sit on this machine for at least the last 5 minutes chatting to your buddy without doing a single rep. If you’re not going to use it, it’s messed up to not let someone else in.’
The lady told me I was rude but got up and let the other girl (who mouthed me a ‘thank you’) in.
The lady also reported me to management for ‘being rude’ (didn’t affect my membership, just a quick word from an employee) and now this lady proceeds to glare at me anytime she sees me in the gym.
When I told my friend they said that the lady was obviously messed up, but it was not my place to say anything to her. Also that my condescending tone would have riled anyone up.
AITJ?
Why I may be the jerk: it was none of my business, I knew neither of the people.
I could have used a more friendly tone and more productive language.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. the bystander effect happens for a reason, and apparently you’re one of the few willing to step up. while it’s certainly possible to be overly assertive, the fact that you stood up to a bully is important.
Assuming, of course, that your interpretation was correct. Going by her reaction as relayed here, my assumption is that it was—saying ‘no’ then reconsidering when called out rather than just starting her set seems suspicious to me.
I’m gonna give you some mild criticism for paying enough attention to other people at the gym that you knew her to be a repeat offender.
I don’t know if that’s normal, but it does seem a little personal. Not the jerk, but it does seem a bit weird
ETA: being precious about language is fairly ridiculous. A point is correct regardless of how flamboyantly embellished; if someone’s milquetoast sense of self can’t handle the truth (the spicy version), they probably can’t handle the padded iddle baby buggy bumper version either.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The lady was selfish, entitled & disrespectful. Nobody should be sitting at a machine chatting. The machines are there to use, not to sit & have a conversation. You did nothing wrong. The lady was rude for saying no, & for sitting there talking.
You weren’t rude, she apparently needed someone to say something otherwise she would continue to do it. I hope you told the employee that she was occupying a machine to be sociable. That’s a no-no at any gym. Gym etiquette.” Embarrassed-Math-699
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Honestly, if it’s a reoccurring problem with the same person I’d wait patiently for the next time she’s doing this same thing and go report her for ‘being rude’ by holding up machines she’s not even using… THAT’S far more of a problem than you telling her what everyone wants someone to say to people like that
All you did was state a fact and now she’s mad about it? Please, you could’ve done or said worse than what you did sooo, in my opinion, she’s just mad because you were absolutely right saying what you did.” Ok_Cheetah4279
7. AITJ For Having My Dad Walk Me Down The Aisle On My Wedding?
“My fiance and I decided we would mix some tradition with non-tradition in our wedding. So I will be walked down the aisle by my dad, followed by my fiance being walked by his mom. I’m going to dance with my dad for a father-daughter dance at the same time my fiance dances with his mom.
We had talked about doing that before we asked our respective parents to do it. Both agreed and were touched. My dad especially because he didn’t think he would be fulfilling any of the traditional father-of-the-bride duties, since I’m not all that traditional. But I love my dad and I thought it would be nice for us to do this while my fiance and his mom have their moments.
The thing is, I do have a stepdad. He’s been married to my mom since I was 4 and he has always wanted to be more to me than just my stepdad I don’t really like. But he has always felt a little too suffocating, a little too traditional (I know he tried to get my dad to leave me alone for him to raise with my mom so I could have a traditional family unit), and generally not someone I enjoy spending time with.
He’s been there as long as I can remember but I can’t say that’s a good thing for me. Even though I spent just as much time with my dad as I did with my mom, my stepdad has always believed himself to be my primary father figure, and that he and my mom were more important in my life and childhood than my dad.
This has never been true. My dad has always been there. He has never stepped out of my life or taken being my dad for granted. It always bothered me how my stepdad seemed to view my dad and that my mom let it happen.
As an adult, I have a cordial-ish relationship with both of them and I don’t have a relationship with my half-siblings who are 19f, 18m, and 16f. The reason being they dislike me for how I treat their dad. In their eyes, I should be closer to him and they have let me know that before.
My stepdad asked me the other day why he hadn’t heard from me on his father of the bride duties and I told him it was because he had none. He started a lecture on the importance of the position and I said my dad was the father of the bride, so he was doing it.
Stepdad said he expected to do it. I told him I wasn’t comfortable doing it with him. He asked why not both and let people see the man who raised me doing it alongside the bio dad. I told him that wasn’t happening and he (and my mom when she found out) told me I should be ashamed for taking him for granted and for putting b***d before real family.
He said I was humiliating him by not asking him. Mom said I was disrespecting them both because she chose him.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
If your dad was not present and your stepdad took over the role, then you would be. You stated your dad was always present.
Your stepdad cannot expect something to happen just because he wants it. This is YOUR day and it’s called Father of the bride, not Stepfather of the bride. I am sure you will be having more conversations about this as the day approaches but you are NOT disrespecting them by having your dad do the duties.
However, there could also be more to this than I expected. If your stepdad paid for your college he may be expecting that to be his claim. I would just explain that this is your day. That you are not disrespecting them but you know they are disrespecting you by trying to force their expectations into your day.
Explain you respect your stepdad and tell them calmly how you really feel about the stepdad’s relationship with you. Explain how you are not even close with your half-siblings because of how they have tried in the past to pressure you to feel something you just do not.” ElephantNecessary366
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He is only humiliating himself. He tried to force you to look to him as a father when you already had one that you were close to. If your father hadn’t been in your life, it may have been possible to see him in this role eventually, but he was actively trying to push your father away your whole life.
You do not owe him the privilege of any of the father of the bride duties. You are not taking him for granted. You are showing your father how much you appreciate all he has been for you your entire life. You will probably need to have someone keeping an eye on your stepfather at the wedding to prevent him from trying to take the roles that have not been granted him.” TimelySecretary1191
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, if your Dad had not been a part of your life then yeah, I could see the point. But that is not the case. Sounds like he actually has resented the fact that your Dad has been there and interrupted his ideas to have a nice ‘ready-made’ family to himself.
If he was a truly good man then he would gracefully step aside and let you have your day with your Dad the way you want. Even if it hurts a little bit and deal with it in silence.
If you want to have him involved maybe have him walk you to the top of the aisle and then hand you off to your Dad for the rest of the walk to the Altar.
And/or promise him the second dance, and have Dad hand you off to him. Have him give a Toast as well after your Dad has done his if you are doing toast. He shouldn’t expect to take the place that your Dad traditionally has but maybe you can find a way for him to ‘share’.” Casceal123
6. AITJ For Refusing To Lend My Brother-In-Law Money?
“I (35M) was asked by my wife (34F) about the bonus I received at work this year. When I told her about what I got, she asked me if I could loan her $10k.
Since she’s never asked me for this before I asked what it was for. She said it was to ‘help’ her brother buy a house, and she would give him the loan and she would pay me back in monthly installments of $1k. When I asked why she wouldn’t just loan him directly, she said it was because she wanted some buffer in her own finances(we have a joint account for bills but don’t really mix finances).
I had a bunch of questions: Is this a gift? No, he says he will pay me back. How would we pay this to him? She would send him the (He lives in another country). When is he buying the house? He’s just putting a down payment on the build.
It’s not built yet. When is he planning on paying you back? He’ll pay it back but no idea when.
My wife is adamant that she’ll pay me back, and handle it if her brother decides not to pay me back. I was really concerned that her brother might not pay her back and I told her as much.
My big concern is that he’ll pull a ‘you’re married to a rich American and so I don’t have to pay you back’ line on her. There’s no real recourse if he doesn’t and I don’t think that they’re really that close. Plus he lives on the other side of the planet (China).
I’ve had a lot of questions and concerns as I’ve been burned loaning friends/family in the past and my wife finally just said she wasn’t going to loan him and that she now can’t rely on me for financial aid anymore (we share bills, but I pay about 75% of everything as I make more).
I’ve offered alternatives but my wife shut them down. Now she’s mad and isn’t really talking to me. She says that she doesn’t want to talk about it anymore. AITJ here?
I think it might be because I can probably swing this, or my wife is guaranteeing it.
I might not be because it’s a bad idea to loan to a family, and there’s no recourse if it isn’t paid back.
Also, from what I’ve read, the home market in China is a mess.
UPDATE: Well, my wife and I had a good talk about this.
I think she understands why I’m not doing this and why I don’t think that she should either. I don’t think she’s giving her brother anything at this point which I’m glad for. We’ll probably revisit the finance thing at some point in the future, but I’ve always been completely transparent with her about everything, she’s seen all my account balances, and we have a monthly spreadsheet we use to track expenses, down to each receipt and what it went to.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Never make personal loans to anyone, especially family members. It will almost always ruin your relationship with them. If you want to help them out, figure out what you feel comfortable and can afford to give them, then give them that much outright as a gift, even if it’s not the full amount they need.
It wasn’t necessarily rude of your wife to ask, but it is 100% rude for her to be angry that you declined a risk she herself is unwilling to take on. Stand your ground. Express your disappointment in her clearly.” Curious-One4595
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
What a coincidence that your bonus came just as BIL got this rare opportunity to buy into real estate he can’t afford!
A ‘loan’ of that size should be a 2 yes, 1 no couple’s decision. Either you’re both on board, or it’s a no. I think your wife knows as well as you do that the is unlikely to ever be repaid.
She sounds unwilling to take on any consequences of giving that away – not using her ‘fun money,’ not having any plan for repayment, and offering a meaningless ‘she’ll pay it back if BIL doesn’t.’
Both cultural expectations and reality strongly suggest these kinds of ‘loans’ are gifts.
BIL does not have the financial resources. He can’t afford the down payment. You would be entangled with his sense of entitlement and the sunken cost fallacy. ‘You need to pay the rent/mortgage/other costs or we (he) lose all the already invested’ with a strong dose of asking for a loan repayment or stopping your contributions are ‘taking away’ your to which BIL is entitled to feel ownership.
Whoever you press for repayment, either your wife or her family members will be offended that you are selfish and grasping to try to impose the hardship of repaying your ‘that you can afford.’ The entire family will close ranks against you. You are seeing some of that now, as your wife pressures you to violate your boundaries of financial security and goals ‘for family.’
You and your wife need to have conversations about your financial needs, goals, and priorities and how to successfully incorporate her need to provide some financial support to her family in China. Whatever decisions you come to should be 2 yes decisions, where you are in agreement in word and in deeds about your boundaries regarding extended family and giving away money.” curious382
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your wife’s being a jerk with how she’s going about convincing you, essentially emotionally blackmailing you. That is not how to work as a team and you two should talk about it before it gets repeated on a different matter.
If the 10k will not make a dent in your side of the finances and the wife has been a good financial partner so far, if were in your shoes, I’d probably indulge the request as a first-and-last family-giveaway favor to her.
HOWEVER, in my head, I will treat it as a gift that I will not expect to be paid back (and if it does then that’s just gravy).
If it will make a dent but workable, maybe half the amount, and see how the project progresses, and see how your wife manages to pay it back, before considering more.” peregrine_throw
5. AITJ For Not Being Happy About The Birthday Party That Was Thrown For Me?
“My mother (55F) and I (24F) have been living together all my life. When I was an adolescent she moved halfway across the globe to give me a better chance at life so I have always felt indebted to her. However, she is incredibly controlling and at times even selfish.
She has never wanted me to have a (shamed the guy that I introduced to her for not being wealthy and asked me to break up with him for it, even though we aren’t either). She is also judgmental about the way I look, and about how much I spend on clothes (which is admittedly a lot but it is something that makes me happy, and I do it with my own money).
A year ago, I got a job across the country that paid really well, and was able to move out. After 2 months of separate housing, she threw a massive fit and said I am soulless and unloving for wanting to continue living on my own.
That she feels unsafe alone. This is after we bought a house in our original city together that I agreed to continue paying the hoa fees even after moving out. I gave in and had her move in with me.
Now I am in a situation where I pay for the housing and bills and everything and she lives with me and doesn’t work.
She however cooks and takes care of the house which I’m very grateful for. I would be totally fine with all this if she was willing to compromise with me even the slightest bit.
I recently had a birthday, and she wanted me to plan something for it.
So I set up a dinner out which we had with a few of our friends. It was a beautiful night; I had the best time. During planning this, we found out that one of our friends would be unable to make it to the dinner, so I was going to do something with her separately, and I had begged my mom to not invite people over to our house.
I work long hours and we have a puppy. When we have people over, my mother hates that the puppy gets excited so she puts him on a leash and has me hold him the whole time. This makes it difficult for me and him both.
I came home tonight at 8 pm to the news that we were going to have a birthday dinner in our house within 30 minutes. There were only 2 guests, but I was already exhausted and now roped into something that I explicitly asked to not happen.
Lo and behold, I was miserable the whole time.
I was constantly on hold-the-dog duty while being tired and dealing with cramps. I just wanted these people to leave and there they were talking about manicures and Spain. By the time that they left (after 11 pm), I had been secretly glaring daggers at them and my mom for hours.
I tried to act nice, and didn’t say a rude thing, but was also not very into the conversation, and when they said they should leave, I didn’t contradict them. My mother thinks I am an for not being happy that she cooked and planned a second birthday dinner for me.
AITJ?
Edit: It’s my apartment. I can’t keep on changing housing.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You need to untangle from your mother. Live in a different place with a locked door and privacy when you get home from work – where the only guests will be people you invite or know about well in advance.
Your mother will not change on her own because she’s happy with things the way they are. I know that she complains a lot and acts unhappy and makes you feel guilty for it. But I’m willing to bet that she only acts that way when you threaten the status quo by being disobedient, seeking any independence, or asking for basic respect.
The situation is working exactly the way she wants it to – she keeps you close, makes major decisions about your housing and personal life, and knows exactly how to make you give in to her demands.
Get a therapist with experience in learning to set boundaries, enmeshment, and financial decision-making.
I’m very serious about this; nothing about your situation will change unless you acknowledge you are not happy like this and take steps toward change on your own, for the sake of any future happiness.” lelied
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here except for the guests.
You have a way deeper problem here to solve and you need to start working on it, probably best to live on your own even though you bought the house together otherwise you‘ll be miserable and put your own life on hold.
Your mom sucks for not accepting your boundaries, controlling you, and in this case forcing you to host guests (with her)
BUT you suck for letting all your stress and problems with your mother out on your guests.
You could have played nice for like half an hour and then be sincere and tell them that you are very exhausted and not feeling well which is why you need to excuse yourself.
Then you leave your mother to host them instead of making the guests feel unwanted and staring daggers at them.
And have your arguments about inviting people over while you told her not to for when they left or another day.” InkedAlly
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, the reason she controlled you so much and made you feel so indebted as a child is so that she could control your life as an adult. She has made it very hard for you to break away and lead your own life. She is forcing you to do things that you do not want to do.
The whole evening you spent doing exactly what she wanted, something no other 24-year-old would have stood for. You need to break out of the cage you yourself have created as an adult that your mum manipulated you into creating as a child. You pay the bills, you have the power over her, not the other way around.
You need to start making the rules. Take over. The power is in your hands as the one with the money. Take charge, take control. Start telling her it is your way or get out.” NovelRemarkable7136
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here (except for the guests).
You need to start communicating and maintaining some boundaries. You still silence yourself and defer to your mom when she violates what should be a boundary of yours. Your time and attention are limited. Your self-care needs are real and need support in your daily routines.
You have to stop violating your comfort zone when your mom ignores the needs and boundaries you communicate.
Rather than silently seethe, remove yourself from situations where your boundaries aren’t respected. ‘Oh! (guests)! I’m so sorry, but I am exhausted. I need to rest and didn’t expect to walk into a dinner party.
It’s nice to see you. I’m going to take a shower and a nap. I’ve been pushing all afternoon to finally get home and rest. I’m so sorry I don’t have the energy for entertaining right now. I’m sure you understand. What I NEED right now is rest.’
Start speaking up for yourself and walking away from conversations and situations where you’re not respected. Constantly facing arguments that undermine your needs and priorities is exhausting. The argument in itself is punishment for your being different than the person undermining you insists you ought to be.
People who respect boundaries accept “no” and don’t continue to pressure others to change that. People who don’t respect boundaries are people with whom you need stronger and consistently maintained boundaries.” curious382
4. AITJ For Giving My Partner A Special Gift Basket?
“I (m26) became a dad a month ago. I can’t sleep. I got my partner (f24) who I was living with pregnant.
Her parents never really approved of me after that.
When I brought her home after the birth, her parents came with us. I paid a buddy of mine to buy a bunch of things she couldn’t have while pregnant or avoided while pregnant and put them in a basket.
Some notable items were sushi, an expensive bottle of her favorite wine, and a Keurig machine.
I know she misses having a glass every once in a while. She’s been especially strong when I had my buddies over to watch sports and we had a few beers.
Also, she loves her coffee and I couldn’t tell you how she went to work for 8 months without it. So I felt bad and splurged.
When her parents saw this gift they called me uneducated and said that can get into breast milk. I told them I did my research and they said that it is immature to gift to a woman who just gave birth.
I may be overthinking this but AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I think this is really sweet. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention says that there is no known harm associated with nursing mothers having a drink (which they clarify as one standard drink, not more) and your partner doesn’t even need to drink it right away.
Most importantly, her parents need to realize she can make decisions about her own body and the two of you will be making parenting decisions. It’s simply not up to them.” madelinegumbo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and they are absolutely incorrect too. Recent research shows that it’s safe and drinking a moderate amount is the same as drinking orange juice.
When it comes to breastmilk safety, the actual concern when it comes to breastfeeding and drinking is safely handling the baby. That’s the actual concern, plus there are also apps like Drink Safe specifically made for breastfeeding mums but the whole no booze whatsoever while breastfeeding is absolutely medically and scientifically incorrect.
As long as she can continue safe practices and handling of the baby or another adult is there it’s absolutely fine to have a few glasses of wine.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, this is so incredibly sweet! Don’t worry about the liquor.
The percentage that makes it into breast milk is every smaller percentage of what makes it into the bloodstream. Plus, importantly, liquor leaves breast milk at the same rate it leaves the bloodstream. Personally, I always start my drink either right after a feed or during a feed. Then it’s all out or significantly reduced in my system by the next feed. Plus, I’m partial to beer because it gives my breast milk supply a boost in production.” I_Like_Knitting_TBH
3. AITJ Refusing To Pay My Roommate For Using His HBO Max Subscription?
“So my roommates and I all use each other’s streaming services because we all watch them together, and for HBO Max we’ve been using his.
Today he found out the account was attached to his credit card, not his parents. All the other accounts are family accounts from parents. He asked us to split the cost with him ($135) (4 ways) from the past 7 months because he didn’t know the account was set up to his personal credit card, not his family’s.
I feel bad and that sucks, but is it my fault he didn’t know that? I check my bills and statements at least once a week. That’s no one’s fault, but he wants us all to pay. Should I pay the full amount?
I suggested we split half of 135 (67.5) 4 ways instead. But lowkey I don’t even want to pay that. He is way richer than me also and has a 6 fig job after graduating from college and I don’t even have a job yet (we’re 22).
I feel like he can spare the hit. Why should I have to pay because he hasn’t been checking his bills for 7 months? We would’ve stopped using it and had him cancel if we’d known it was being personally charged to him, not his parents.
I’m going to pay it because we’re friends and it’s not that much $$, but I’m just wondering about the principle of it.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – it’s all a bit careless and footloose, but I don’t see any jerk behavior.
I suspect that realistically, the price being asked is the cost of remaining friends. Your roommate feels put out at this expense and is asking for help to pay it. Is it a reasonable request? Maybe, maybe not. But he’s asked. If you say no, that’s a wedge between you, and will probably get worse over time.
If you say yes, you pay one quarter of $135 or $67.50 and you stay friends and chalk it up to carelessness and move on. If that’s too high a price to pay, or you have some principal that seems a little couched in envy of his job, then don’t pay and accept the blow to your friendship.
After all, you did benefit from the HBO Max.” scarecrow273
Another User Comments:
“NTJ because charging you all for 7 months of service that you didn’t agree to pay for originally is something a jerk would do. YTJ for not agreeing to pay for it anyways because that is what a friend would do to help their friend out.
He’s not a friend, just a roommate? Too bad, you still cohabit in a place together and unfortunately, this would be the best move to keep a pleasant home space. By the way, people in the comments need to stop telling you all to ‘pay for your own stuff’.
It’s 2023, anyone who is paying for a subscription service for ONLY themselves is a sucker.” kovenant18
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you all share the ones you have access to. There was no agreement to pay for each other accounts before the login info was shared…
The roommate should have checked his statements sooner… if he asked to be paid after 1 month because he made a mistake then that’s sorta okay, but not after 7 months of him neglecting to check…
It doesn’t matter who pays for the account, parents or you.
You share the usage of all accounts. If ur roommate demands payment for these 7 months then you can all ask him to pay for his share of your accounts that he used during those 7 months… cause that was the agreement, using the account… the agreement was not that everyones parents had to pay for the accounts.” cuomi1996
Another User Comments:
“It depends on what you all agreed on. If there are 4 roommates and 4 streaming services, each one supplies 1 then I would say NTJ. If you all were supposed to split services and just haven’t been, then everyone sucks here. Them for trying to collect in 1 sum and the rest for just not paying.
If you have just been sharing services and no one says anything until now you’re also NTJ.
But what it sounds like is they somehow signed up for an online subscription for JUST HBO and are now surprised 7 months later by it drafting out of their account, all the while believing it to be an account their family gave them.
It seems they need for something for them to just come ask about it.” Myth_Edge
2. AITJ For Agreeing To Get My Son DNA Tested?
“I was with my ex for 7 years and we have 3 kids. Before we met he had an ex who got pregnant very early in their relationship. From what he told me he was with her through the pregnancy.
After the birth, he went to get a drink and she contacted the police, claimed he was intoxicated, and had him removed and hasn’t had contact since. (my ex is the kind of person who would lie so don’t fully believe this)
A few years ago the kid needed a place to go and my ex refused to get a DNA test to prove he was the father and wouldn’t take him in.
When I tried to talk to him about it he told me to drop it.
Fast forward to yesterday and I find a business card for someone who wanted me to call them. Turns out they want to test my kid to see if they are related since my ex is still refusing a DNA test. I told her I would do it.
Now I’m wondering if I’m an awful person for this?
AITJ for agreeing to give my kid a DNA test?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ and it will cause trust issues in your marriage. It would be enough for me to leave my spouse or to expect my spouse to leave me.
If these people want a test they can take it to the courts and get it all done legally. Why are they not taking that approach? My guess is mom doesn’t know who the dad is and doesn’t want to pay extra court costs to figure it out.
It is not your job to be doing so and it’s terrible you’d agree to be deceitful to your spouse.” LessMaintenance133
Another User Comments:
“I want to mention something for you to consider that I haven’t seen discussed here. You are NTJ for wanting the help the other mother but it is not unreasonable to consider that you are sharing very personal information about your child and not necessarily publishing it, but certainly adding it to databases without consulting them or considering their violation of privacy.
I don’t know about anyone else but I would not be pleased if my parents had offered my DNA samples to others for anything but necessary medical procedures. I also may be a little over-sensitive about stuff like that.” DonPepe181
Another User Comments:
“Soft ‘everyone sucks here’.
I say that because you waited until now to do the right thing. You let this woman struggle when you could have easily taken a DNA sample from your children or snuck it from your husband at the time. He told you the kid was his, everyone knows it’s his and you say back and let him refuse to help her.
So NTJ for finally doing the right thing but soft jerk for taking years and years to do it.” Calm-Association2774
1. AITJ For Telling My Husband's Mom That I Don't Like Her Food?
“My husband (23) and I (21) both come from different cultures for example I am actually an immigrant and only moved to America when I was just 12 years old.
There are lots of things my husband and his family do differently than mine, things that I’m not quite accustomed to. One is how they prepare and season their food, to me it’s just super bland, and the stuff they choose of food combinations just doesn’t seem to go together.
For example, My MIL (mother-in-law) puts mayo on literally everything. I even saw her make a tortilla pizza with mayo as her base which she offered to me. Each time she offers me food I always make up some kinda excuse to avoid eating it and try to be as polite as possible about it.
But unfortunately for me, after I invited her to dinner she felt compelled to do the same for me even when I told her it was not necessary.
The next day after the dinner we had together she started making plans with my husband, when my husband brought it up to me I told him I really didn’t want to go to which he replied my mom’s food is not that bad could you please just deal with it for one day.
Now in most cases, I would’ve just sucked it up in order to maintain a good relationship with my mil but I’m pregnant in my first trimester and am feeling extra nauseous, I honestly don’t think I’d be able to keep the food down in the condition I’m in.
My husband grew up eating her food which is maybe why he doesn’t think it’s that bad, I mean even my family thinks so when my mom invited her over for a family get together she brought some pasta whose sauce tasted like a whole package of ketchup was dump in it.
I ended up venting to my sisters and mom about the issue and they all give me the advice to just be honest and my mom even said that if I don’t be honest now it’s something I’ll have to deal with for the rest of my life.
So I decided to call her and express to her that I’m not accustomed to eating the type of foods she is used to making and since I’m pregnant it’ll be really hard for me to swallow because of my nausea, I even offered to teach her the recipes from my homeland that she seemed to really enjoy.
It didn’t go too well she was really offended and told me that she’ll never cook for my ungrateful jerk again and told my husband. My husband is really disappointed in me because he felt like I should’ve just pretended to keep the peace and is upset that now my mil doesn’t even want to invite me over again.
I feel super bad now and seriously want to know if I’m the jerk in this situation or if I was being too mean or disrespectful.
Am I in the wrong?
Update: I have invited my mother-in-law out to a tea cafe and spoke to her in person.
I was able to explain myself better and I choose not to back down on my not liking the type of foods she cooks.
I’m sorry but like this is my life and I’m choosing not to live the rest of my future being pressured into eating foods I do not like and am also choosing to live my relationship based on honesty.
I had an honest discussion with my mil and explained to her that I love her as a person and appreciate the time and effort she puts into making my husband and me food but I honestly do not like the type of food she chooses to make.
I explained to her that it doesn’t make her any less of a person or a bad cook it’s just my personal preferences. She took it extremely well this time and apologized for insulting me and told me that she had never been the best cook and would love to take me up on my offer to learn some meals from my homeland.
I ended up suggesting that we take cooking classes together and she loved the idea.
I think the little bump in the road gave us a stronger bond and I am glad we were able to patch things up.
I even made it known to my mother-in-law that I myself would appreciate the same kinda honesty coming from me and if she ever disliked food I made or even a gift I gave to please let me know so I can make or get something she’d enjoy.
She even made jokes about previous gifts I got her. LOL.”
Another User Comments:
“I think NTJ. There’s probably a cultural difference in levels of honesty or bluntness as well as the food, considering your husband didn’t want you to say anything about it, but your family did.
It kind of reminds me of a situation like, you meet someone and like them but they really love football and you don’t. Do you pretend to love football too to seem like you have things in common so they like you more? My short answer is no, but it seems like a reasonable white lie for some in order to get what they want, which for you is peace with your MIL regarding meals.
Once you’ve said those little white lies, there are only two results: either you pretend to love football (or weird Midwest-sounding cooking) for the rest of your life, or they find out you lied about it and they may be upset, but at least you don’t have to pretend to like football anymore.
You can’t be pregnant forever and use that as an excuse to not eat; it’s only delaying the inevitable. From what you’ve said, I think I’d hate her cooking too, just as much as I hate football.
I don’t think there was anything wrong with you telling her, but maybe you can take a few days to think and plan, get some advice from your husband on how his mom likes to be spoken to, and speak to her again about how cultural differences in broaching a conversation like this may have insulted her in a way you didn’t intend.” Rivvien
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You don’t call someone up and tell them you don’t like the food they cook for you. You just don’t. If you’re pregnant you can say you’re nauseous the night of the dinner and just eat very little. But it’s just basic manners when you’re being hosted to pretend the food is good.
Yes, you might have to ‘deal with this the rest of your life’- who cares? Occasional meals you don’t like are not the end of the world.” Outrageously_Penguin
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Assuming you phrased it just like you wrote, that you’re not accustomed to that type of food and that pregnancy is making it harder for you to eat food like that.
I think that was a perfectly polite way to explain it to her, and the fact she blew up on you was incredibly inappropriate. I’ll never understand why some people are so offended by truth – especially when the truth is over something so trivial. It’s not like you told her you don’t like her, you just don’t want to eat her food.
She’s definitely an over-sensitive jerk in this case and your husband should be supporting you, not coddling his mother and treating her like a temperamental child. You shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells your entire life because she can’t function.” lydiapert
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Your husband should have had your back- morning sickness is no joke and it’s no time to ‘s*****t up’ and deal with foods you can’t tolerate. Mayo?!
But you shouldn’t have offered to teach her to cook. This is a topic that requires a lifetime of polite denial. You host because it’s too hard to travel with a baby and you ask her to bring desserts and drinks because her desserts are sooo good.
And you pick 2-3 things she makes that you can tolerate and you just fall in love with them.
But now you’re screwed because of your mother’s insanely bad advice. (Was she trying to start world war 3?)
All you can do now is send flowers and plead morning sickness and pregnancy hormones and hide behind that until you have a baby to hide behind.” capmanor1755
Who wants to just lie and "********** up" for the rest of your lives? Why can't more people be honest and have adult conversations?
The update was amazing though.
