People Leave The Verdict To Us After Telling Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
21. AITJ For Not Eating With My Family Due To Misophonia?
“I 17(M) have not been eating with my family for a while. I always preferred to eat my breakfast, dinner, etc in my room.
I never enjoyed the sounds that people make when they are eating. It really irritates me. I don’t really know if anyone else is as annoyed with this as I am.
I am posting this because 30 minutes ago I was just called by my mom to eat dinner.
I got my plate ready as usual and before I headed to my room, I wanted to grab some bread. So I reached the chair so I could grab a slice. (The chair was blocking the shelf where the bread was). My mom thought I pulled the chair so I would sit down and eat with her, she asked:
“Honey, don’t you want to eat dinner with me?”
I said: “No Mom I am going to my room, thank you for the food.”
At that exact moment, I felt like a real jerk. I know I should be around my family more, I know that I should eat at the dinner table with my mom.
I know it breaks her heart whenever I go to my room every single day to eat food alone, but I can’t stand the munching, slurping, etc.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Hating the sounds of people eating is quite common, it’s called misophonia (it can be other sounds but it’s often the sounds of people eating, chewing…).
My husband has it and we found that having the radio on during meals really helps. Sometimes when he’s tired he’ll step outside because the noise becomes too much for him to bear but otherwise having music or even the news on really helps him focus on something else.
Try something like that with your family, and if they’re not loud chewers or if they don’t chew with their mouths open (ewwww), it should help a bit. No jerks here because I get that misophonia is really not your fault, but you can still try to tamper it a bit.” mmdb1721
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. But I don’t think jerk is the right word. You’re a teenager and it’s expected to want to spend no time with your parents. I was the same way at your age. I lived in my room and I only came out to eat or poop.
It’s a teen thing that I expect my own to do to me once they’re old enough. But, I will say, I hate that noise too during meals. My sister never chews with her mouth closed and it makes me want to strangle her. It is just uuughhh….
You’re gonna be on your own soon. You won’t see your mom as much as you want when you’re busy building your life once you’ve left home. Try to spend every moment you can with her. Take it from someone who would give anything to have just one more day with their child.
Spend these moments together. You never know when it will be the last I love you.” notmyrealname800813
Another User Comments:
“I didn’t realize when I was growing up that what I had was misophonia. It’s worse with certain people chewing than with others.
I thought it was just something wrong with me that I couldn’t stand being around certain friends or family members when they ate. Some were okay if a TV or other noise was going on at the same. With my father, it was so unbearable that I almost wanted to rip my ears off and scream if I had to be anywhere in the vicinity regardless of what other noise was going on.
No one else seemed to have a problem with it. I know he felt offended by it, that I didn’t want to eat with him, and I felt bad about it. But now I understand more about misophonia. Even with my own kids, one of them I can’t stand chewing!
I’ve explained to her about misophonia and that it’s not about her, and she doesn’t get offended. It’s like every small sound they make in their mouth gets amplified by 1,000. You hear every bit of spit and swish. It’s hard to explain to someone who doesn’t have misophonia, but it’s so gross.” [deleted]
20. AITJ For Refusing To Let My Mother Move In With Me?
“I moved to the UK 5 years ago after living with my mom. Shortly after she moved in with my grandmother as she lost her job and couldn’t afford the place she was living. My sister and I live 6+ hours flying away so the only thing we could do at the time was help her financially.
We bought her a car, moved everything into storage, and as a family we set her up to get back on her feet.
My mom has bipolar disorder and I’m thinking once I moved she stopped having someone there to keep her on track with taking meds and unfortunately since she moved in with my grandma she has been constantly switching between manic and depressed. She has lost all motivation to get a job and has been solely relying on her family to support her.
This has been an ongoing issue for the past 5 years and due to the distance – the most we have been able to do is throw money at the situation and try to advise her to get the help she needs. It’s been a big stress on the family from both an emotional and financial aspect as she refuses to acknowledge the impact she has had on everyone these past few years.
But things have taken a turn the past 18 months with my gran’s health and now she needs to move into somewhere that can have on-site care. This past weekend my mom called me to explain that my gran and uncle are selling the house and that she doesn’t know where to go.
My mom told me she isn’t on speaking terms with my sister now and that she wants to move to England with me desperately I am the only way she can do that. My partner and I spoke about this and told her we can’t have her move in as the last time we tried it it didn’t go well.
About 2 years ago my partner and I agreed to have her for a month at Christmas as a trial run and from day 1 it wasn’t working. My partner has Bipolar and is autistic and has to be diligent every day to stay in a routine to make sure she can stay stable.
My mom came over and was everything but a respectful guest and it really put my partner in a bad place during and after she was here. From stealing my cell phone to not grooming and making a mess of the place – it made living with her a non-option.
We told her these concerns as to why we wouldn’t be able to move her and she went on a full tantrum of how she isn’t asking for a lot and just wants to move here for a few weeks to get on her feet and get her own place.
I feel indebted and that I am being a bad son for not moving her in as we have a spare bedroom in our home but at the same time she has shown no signs of change and I’m afraid if I move her here and I can’t cope I can lose everything I’ve worked hard for.
Right now I feel like I can’t help someone who refuses to help themselves – but also I don’t know if I could live with myself if she ended up homeless or worse. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She says what she’s asking for is not a lot.
Perhaps it’s not a lot to her, but it is a lot to you. She has proven herself an unreliable witness to the impact she has on others. You need to protect yourself, and you need to protect your partner. You need to protect the home you have made together.
Perhaps your mother needs some sort of institutional or assisted living sort of situation. She needs someone who can keep her on track with her meds and encourage good behavior. That sounds like a full-time job for a number of people, not something left to you and your partner who are just trying to live your own lives.” Competitive_Cod_3843
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. While it is good to support family with mental health issues, the line between support and enabling can be fine sometimes. You also need to consider your own well being in that situation. If you tried this before as you stated, and it caused such an issue, then I could definitely see not wanting to invite her back into your home.
I also get the feeling from your post that this is not the first time that she has said she would change if you would only help her to get onto her feet. I don’t think you are the jerk here. However, I also see the flip side of where you are coming from.
I have a similar situation with my mother. She is not diagnosed but to be honest I believe that is because her parents caused her to have a stigma against acknowledging mental health issues. Anyways, she would steal things from me, do things in my house, and make messes as you said your mother would do.
It can be taxing to deal with especially if you yourself have mental health issues as well. I thought the same thing at first about it and initially leaving her out of my life was tough, but it has been over 5 years since I’ve seen or heard from my mom and sometimes it is still heavy.
But the biggest thing to accept is that you can’t help someone who doesn’t want the help.” samfowl223
Another User Comments:
“OP, SAVE YOURSELF!!! Unless your mother accepts her illness and takes control she will “drown” everyone around her. She does not want the help she needs, she only wants the help she wants.
You are allowed to save yourself. It will be hard, you will have guilt, but stand firm. Untreated Bipolar to this degree is very hard to live with and exposes the people around her to trauma and emotional stress, and could be potentially dangerous. OP, you may need some therapy to help yourself sort everything out and deal with this situation.
Don’t wait: go for it. Best of it all, OP!” No-Net8938
19. AITJ For Moving Someone's Laundry From The Only Working Washer In A Hotel?
“I’m at a hotel that has two washers and two dryers but one of the washers is out of order.
I went to wash my clothes, saw it was being used but had 23 minutes left so decided to give it an hour (for clothes owner to come back), went back down clothes are still there.
I give it another 30 minutes clothes are still there.
I went to the front desk to see if they knew who it was or if a staff member could take the clothes out (didn’t know if I was allowed to touch someone else’s stuff), they didn’t know who it belonged to so they gave me the go ahead to move that person’s stuff to one of the dryers.
I did, then put my stuff in the washer.
Then I came back down when it was done (washer said 35 min so I kept track of time). I saw someone else in there and they asked if I moved their stuff. I said I did because it was there for at least 2 hours and that I went to front desk first, they didn’t know who it was and gave me permission to move it.
They got mad that I “touched their stuff.” I said there’s only one washer and other people need to use it and it’s not fair to leave clothes in there for hours when only one washer is working.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You waited longer than you had to and got permission from the front desk.
Yes, you may have done the deed by physically taking the clothes out but that’s what you were told to do. It’s common courtesy especially if there is only one working for the time being.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It may be unpopular, because I know you generally shouldn’t touch what doesn’t belong to you, but I think you’re asking for it by leaving the wash there for 2 hours when it’s the only one and others need to use it.
It’s not like you moved it after 10 mins. Got what they deserved and hey, their clothes were on their way to being dry, if not done. So hopefully you didn’t have to wait the rest of the day for the dryer!” AnalApiairist
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your germy evil stranger hands only touched their precious clothing because they totally abandoned their laundry when it was obvious there was only one washer for all the guests to use. They know they were wrong and are angry they got caught. You were even nice and moved the stuff into a dryer for them!
Where I’m at random people are just as likely to do what they did to my neighbor. She left her clothing for two hours. The guys waiting to use it finally draped her laundry on the spikes of the pool fence to dry. She had to retrieve it in front of an interested bunch of poolside partiers.” MmeHomebody
18. AITJ For Buying My Niece A Doll That My Sister-In-Law Disapproved Of?
“Yesterday was my niece’s 4th birthday and all year she’s been begging for a Barbie. So I decided to get her one. As soon as my niece opened her gift she was beyond happy but my sister-in-law was beyond mad.
She ripped the doll out of my niece’s hand and tossed it in the trash. She then started screaming at me saying if my niece developed an eating disorder when she gets older it will be my fault for getting her the doll. I asked my brother about it saying she was going to have a “no doll house”.
My niece has been heartbroken since the doll was tossed. Especially seeing her great-grandmother sewed outfits for the doll as well. My niece always spends the weekends at my house and I keep some toys at my house for her to play with but what do I do?
I was thinking of buying another gift for my niece but my brother doesn’t know if my sil has any more toy rules. Or do I buy her a Barbie and just have it at my house for her to play with when she’s over?
I just hope there is some way that I can make it up to my poor niece after what happened yesterday.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – If the parents (and I am not sure why your brother does not seem to be included in these decisions or even aware of them) want to have certain rules for the type of toys they have in their home, they need to make that clear to whoever might be bringing a gift. So, not your fault.
While SIL’s reaction was extreme (and, TBH, a bit concerning), not wanting her daughter to play with dolls that display an unrealistic beauty standard is not an inherently jerk position for her to take – and so not one that I think you can undermine by supplying dolls at your house without you becoming the jerk.
It would be different if she was refusing to let her child play with certain toys because they don’t conform to gender norms (e.g. not letting her daughter play with a toy tool set or not letting a son play with dolls). But there are plenty of different types of dolls available.
Maybe try talking to SIL and finding a compromise.” Forward_Squirrel8879
Another User Comments:
“You know who the first woman I ever looked up to as a young girl was? Barbie. She was an astronaut. And a doctor. A veterinarian. She served in the military.
She was an ambassador. Anyone who thinks Barbie was just some perfect, plastic bimbo has some real personal issues that need to be worked on. GI Joe and Cabbage Patch Kids also are unusual proportions, because they are TOYS. NTJ !!!!! Children of all ages and genders should have dolls and baby dolls.
It teaches them empathy as well as narrative creativity. Your sister is going to ruin her daughter all on her own.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“INFO: your niece has been begging for a doll… did you KNOW her parents wouldn’t allow it? Had they mentioned it?
Did you make an honest mistake or attempt to go around them? People can have rules for their kids and their house even if you think it’s stupid. What toys people allow in their house is up to them really. If you knew and tried to circumvent them YTJ.
You can think the tile is stupid, you can even say the rule is stupid, but ultimately it’s their home and their child and their decision. (If you didn’t know and they just went off on you when they’ve never mentioned it being an issue before then the parents would be the jerk.)” Errvalunia
17. AITJ For Being Upset That My Friend Stole My Personal Tattoo Design?
“I designed a tattoo for myself several years ago. Two intertwined pieces of lavender, symbolizing peace. I was planning on getting the tattoo once I was “fully recovered” (or as recovered as I possibly could be) from both my ED and my medical trauma. I wanted to get it right on my sternum, as it’s a personal and vulnerable space for a personal and vulnerable issue, as well as close to my heart.
My two close friends knew about this from day one. Recently, a new friend joined our general social circle, “Rose”. Eventually, the topic of tattoos came up, and I brought up this idea. The way that I and my two other friends remember that going down is that Rose merely acknowledged it, said it sounded cool and didn’t say anything more.
A couple of months later, Rose and I hadn’t been getting along for a while and had pretty much stopped talking. Then, out of the blue, she gets the tattoo. Exact same design, exact same location. I’m extremely angry, but honestly just want to cut contact with her at this point and not engage.
I’ve now resigned myself to not getting the tattoo because it was something very personal to me that is no longer personal, and if I got it it wouldn’t remind me of my recovery anymore, it would remind me of this ex-friend of mine. One of my other friends (a tattoo artist, btw) is so angry that she confronts Rose about it, who says it was an impulsive thing when she got it and she wasn’t thinking about it.
She claims she didn’t know I wanted it. She says I’m being “childish” and “immature” for not wanting to get the tattoo anymore.
Later, she sends me a passive-aggressive text message reading “Would you be upset if I bought the Demonias?” Referencing a pair of shoes that I own and she wanted to buy a pair.
I knew she was going to spiral this around to the tattoo, but ignored the subtext until I got her to admit to it. I tried explaining that buying the same pair of mass-manufactured shoes as me is different from getting the tattoo that I designed, and of course I wouldn’t be upset.
Another important point to mention is that Rose changed her story since my friend confronted her about it, she now says that she found it on Pinterest and has wanted it for years. She’s been talking to other friends of mine about it and leaving out key details of the story, such as the fact that I designed the tattoo myself.
I’m aware that it’s probably a pretty common tattoo, but the details of it such as it being specifically two pieces of lavender, as well as the placement, are too conspicuous for me to truly believe this was just a coincidence. So, am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“You’re NTJ for being upset. That tattoo has special meaning to you and your friend is terrible for doing what they did. I don’t need to tell you that you can’t call dibs on a tattoo. People can get whatever they want tattooed on their bodies and there’s nothing you can do about it (I agree that it doesn’t make it right.
Your friend is a bad friend) Your mistake (and one that I doubt you’ll make in the future) is discussing your design with anyone. And I mean ANYONE. Tattoos are insanely personal for many people. Never discussed a tattoo prior to getting it. Decide what you love, get it, and THEN discuss/share it.
This prevents people from stealing your idea, but also from others causing doubt in your choice.” jstonesworld
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and you are right to feel angry about that. Her stealing it after you explained how important it was to you and your plans of getting it seems outright rude.
Sure it could be a coincidence, but it does seem more likely she did this just to be a jerk, especially as she sent passive-aggressive texts to you instead of apologizing. While you can get the same tattoo still, I also understand how seeing the tattoo can make you remember this fight, and seeing it might sour your original intentions.
Maybe you can design another one or work with a tattoo artist to create something even more unique and beautiful? It can still have the same themes or ideas, but maybe a different art style or composition can make it feel unique and special again?” ShiQandA
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I have quite a few tattoos and they all mean so much to me. I had one that I was designing and a ‘friend’ ran out and got the same thing. Now I never discuss what I’m getting for tattoos with anyone because they’re too personal. Never talk to Rose again.
She’s bad news. Talk to a tattooist about alternatives to celebrate your recovery, something that will remind you of how hard you’ve worked and how far you’ve come. Congrats on doing so well. Hope you create a great new tattoo for yourself.
Sorry that happened.” [deleted]
16. AITJ For Insisting On Going Camping Without My Husband After He Cancelled Last Minute?
“My (43f) oldest son (21) had brain cancer twice as a baby and toddler. Due to this he is severely disabled which requires (but there is a lot more than this) things like using a wheelchair, eats through a feeding tube, and can’t control his body temperature (so if it’s hot he can spike a fever which leads to seizures), and is mentally around 6 months to 4 years.
He couldn’t care less where we are as long as his tablet with movies is working. Also, my husband (43m) never wants to do anything fun anymore unless it includes his parents or sister’s family (that is an entirely different issue).
So here is the problem.
Back in May, we found out my brother-in-law and his family would be visiting Utah this summer and the only thing they wanted to do for certain was to go camping. My youngest son (18) was super excited about this and so was I. My husband was okay with it because his parents and sister would be going.
Anyway, life happens and the brother will not be able to come.
Now my son has some mental health issues that make it really hard on him if plans are canceled at all or changed last minute. I told him our little family could still go camping and my husband didn’t say a word.
He was good with this because now he could bring his partner (19f). I found us a beautiful campsite next to a little spring and waterfall that has power hookups for my son’s needs and flush toilet bathrooms and we set the date for this coming weekend.
This morning my husband tells me he doesn’t want to go anymore since his family isn’t going (his parents and sister were only going because of the brother) so he wanted to cancel our reservation. I told him no he didn’t have to go but if he stays home he has to keep my oldest home with him because I won’t be able to care for him well enough on my own in a tent.
He again told me to just cancel and when I refused he told me I was being a jerk. Now he has involved his mom (his dad sided with me so he was left out of all the conversations) and sister and they are telling me I’m horrible and it shouldn’t matter that both my youngest and I really want to go we should do what my husband wants.
Anyway, would I be the jerk if I still went?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ- Your husband doesn’t want to go and you can’t solo care for your oldest while camping… That absolutely means if your husband is staying home then he is staying with your oldest in the environment it is easiest to care for your oldest…
And you and your youngest are going camping. You’re not making your husband go and you’re not obligated to bail on family plans with your youngest just because your husband doesn’t want to go. Also why the heck won’t he go anywhere without extended family?” JetItTogether
Another User Comments:
“He shouldn’t have any issue with you going. He is the one who chose not to go. That’s fine for him, doesn’t mean your plans automatically change to accommodate his change of mind. You’re NTJ, but your husband involving your in-laws is a total jerk move.
What business is it of theirs? None. Why should you give a crap about what they say? You too deserve this trip away. What a beautiful way to spend time recharging in Nature. Your son will appreciate this so much, and that’s all that matters.
His health matters too. Is it just that your husband doesn’t want to care for your disabled son? Tough. That’s what parenthood is.” Rude-Raise-7498
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Is there some jerk behavior going on here, yes, but that all has to do with not dealing with issues, talk to your husband and try to figure out WHY he can’t have fun without his mom and sis, figure out why your husband doesn’t want to look after you son.
If the reason is bad, then he’s the jerk, but you are trying to accommodate your youngest son who’ll use the opportunity to spend time with his partner. If you think keeping a promise to your son makes you a jerk then you’re being gaslit.” ElectroguyTJ
15. AITJ For Surprising My Husband With A Dangerous Mountain Climbing Trip?
“My husband is a hobby mountaineer and has climbed a lot of smaller mountains and even some bigger ones like the Mont Blanc in France so he has quite a bit of experience.
He told me his dream is to climb a mountain that is over 8000 meters and said it would be a piece of cake if he just got the opportunity. So to make his dream come true I researched it online and found a team of sherpa.
I contacted them about it and described his previous experience. They told me that this summer they were climbing the Annapurna, a big mountain in Nepal, and with his qualifications he could join them.
So I told them that he would and I already organized all the payment and everything.
Then for his birthday I told him about everything but instead of feeling happy about it he asked if I was joking and when I told him that no it was real and he could finally make his dream come true to climb an 8000-meter mountain he said that was crazy and claimed the climb was too dangerous.
I couldn’t help but feel he didn’t really appreciate my present and also told him there was a team of fellow professionals from Nepal with him. I got the impression maybe he had been exaggerating before about his interest in climbing one. AITJ for this present?”
Another User Comments:
“(Soft) YTJ. Let’s imagine your husband was really into boating, and he had a small boat he really loved and someday wanted to go ocean sailing. You had no interest in boating yourself, but you loved him. Would you go buy him a boat?
Or would you ask him what he wanted in a boat, and whether he wanted it right now? You don’t know anything about climbing, which is fair, but you then made a major climbing-related purchase without researching it. Yes, you picked out a team of Sherpas, but you didn’t bother to go to Wikipedia, which would have told you.
“For decades, Annapurna I Main held the highest fatality-to-summit rate of all principal eight-thousander summits; it has, however, seen great climbing successes in recent years, with the fatality rate falling from 32% to just under 20% from 2012 to 2022.” You got your husband a very specialized present in his area of interest, without checking whether it suited his particular interests, and now you’re upset that he’s saying that it’s too dangerous for him.
The next time you want to give a big present, consult the person you’re giving the present about what they want first.” ThingsWithString
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Annapurna isn’t a day hike, it’s so dangerous even world-renowned climbers may never come home. It’s more than getting a good Sherpa team – mountaineers often undergo insane physical conditioning for these peaks, specialized gear prep, etc. You don’t just “go” unless you have a death wish.
If you did enough research into your husband’s hobby to get all of this organized, then you should have at least sat down with him and had a serious talk about if he really wanted to actually do it (and what your plans were if the worst happened) first. Did you somehow do all of this without learning about all of the corpsicles on similar peaks?
If I were him, I’d be second-guessing my insurance policies.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Part of the thrill of an experience like this is to arrange it. You tried to be thoughtful but even leaving out the fact that you ended up buying your husband a ticket up the literal death mountain, the worst there is, you took that from him.
It’s like someone saying they like professional cycling and you go ahead and sign them up for Tour de France, but instead of just embarrassing them you may actually end up harming them. Being involved in mountain climbing is having these big dreams and they take years, decades even, of preparation.
Him saying he wants to do that means he wants to work his way to that level, and you took that as a “well just go then”. That’s ignorant and really shows how little you’ve been paying attention thus far. Let him have his thing and be glad he gets home safe every time.
Get him gear or something related if you want to show you’re attentive, this was both taking from his experience of it and going way too far.” unluckysupernova
14. AITJ For Telling My Half-Sister That My Stepdad Is More Of A Dad To Me Than Our Biological Father?
“My parents broke up when I was around 4 years old. My real dad, Mark met and married Valerie and eventually had my brother Jay (21). Before Jay, Valerie was very jealous of me and my mum.
Further down the line they had 8 more kids including my sister Sophie (19)
Mark wasn’t really there for me throughout my life after Sophie was born and I ended up going without contact.
Main story: I’m a 28f with autism. I currently live at home with my mum, Meredith, and her fiancé Derek. Derek had been a part of my life ever since I was 11 years old and starting secondary school.
To me, he was my dad, not Mark.
Now a few years ago, I started messaging Sophie on social media, and she’s wondering why I hadn’t talked to Mark in a while, she’s a little worried. In that instance, I told her that I didn’t really care for him and that Derek was a better father to me.
That seemed to upset her but in all honesty, it was clear that she was the favourite child.
After that message, I received one from my second eldest brother, Martin (20m). The message roughly told me to leave his sister alone. That it was a two-way street so I could come around and visit them (note: I always went to his to visit) he also called me lazy and I ended up feeling depressed and blocked him.
My siblings have no idea why the reason is I’d rather have Derek as a dad than Mark and even though I do say a few things on the subject, I’m made out to be the bad guy for it. Even having another brother, Adam (15m) call me out when he wasn’t even born.
And Jay wishing me a happy birthday last year then proceeding to guilt trip me.
I’m still in touch with Sophie. She’s the only one out of all of my siblings on that side I talk to anymore. My mum tells me I’m NTJ for saying that cause Sophie was spoiled. But I’m asking you guys.
AITJ for telling my half-sister my stepdad is more of a dad to me than our real one?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He can be a good dad for them and also be a bad dad for you. You have had very different experiences with him.
It is fair for you to tell them that you are glad he loved them and gave them more attention than he gave you. Still, don’t expect a great response. Kids have a hard time accepting that a loved parent wasn’t perfect. It is ironic that Sophie would contact you because you aren’t keeping in touch with Mark.
It is a parent’s job to show devotion and care for you. You shouldn’t set out to destroy their view of Mark, but you don’t have to hide problems either. After all, she is the one who opened this conversation.” balancedgray
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, this is your life, Derek was there for you not Mark, your step-siblings are the fools here. They probably felt targeted as it’s their dad. Sadly you can’t change their opinion as they haven’t lived your life, and the fact that they keep trying to make you feel bad certainly isn’t helping their cause, like didn’t their dad raise them better?
Sorry, couldn’t help myself. Just remember, avoid this topic with them and focus on the wonderful relationship you have with the man you DAD Derek. And so you see that you’re not alone; I have no relationship with my bio dad, barely remember him, my dad is the man who raised me for 10 years until I was 15 before he and my mom split.
My son, who also has autism and is now 13 years old, has a stronger relationship with the man I’ve been seeing for 2 years than his dad who raised him for 11 years. The best parents aren’t always bio parents.” Royal-Space-Pirate
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She asked, you answered. People should get divorced if a marriage fails, it’s best for everybody.
That doesn’t mean you abandon your child in favor of your new family. It sounds like you were a teenager when your father started leaving you behind, so Martin’s suggestion that you could’ve visited (whether or not you did) is just plain ridiculous.
It is not a child’s job to rectify a parent’s neglect. Sophie asked a question, and you told your truth; that due to your biodad’s inattention, you felt a greater paternal bond with a man you met at 11 yo. If that makes her question her father, that’s on him.
Part of being an adult is being accountable for your actions. It would’ve been different if Sophie were 6 and you were 28 at the time of this conversation because those are rather adult details for a child to process, but Sophie’s an adult. An adult asked you an adult question about a clearly sensitive topic and you answered truthfully.
You were under no obligation to alter your truth to protect your absent father’s image.” TurtleTheMoon
13. AITJ For Not Accepting My Stepmother As A Parental Figure?
“My dad got married to my stepmother last year and they had been in a relationship and living together for 3 years prior. My biological mother is abusive and I have had no contact with her for the past 3 years.
My stepmother and I never got along well. At first, it was because we didn’t have anything in common and I was fine with that. We were respectful and everything but we weren’t necessarily friends. I was a shy, insecure 15-year-old at the time and she didn’t make any attempt to get to know me so I left it at that and there weren’t any problems. Then it got to a point where she would find fault with me for pretty much anything I said to her (she is a very sensitive person and I could never know what would set her off).
The problem came when instead of telling me she would tell my dad her issues with me, who would then get mad at me in her place. I would have much preferred if she came to me directly, and I let her know this, but she never did so I figured she just didn’t like me and didn’t want to be upfront about it.
I was fine with that honestly, we were strangers after all, I just stayed in my room most of the time to avoid confrontation.
During this time I made it known that I did not and would never see her as a mother figure or a parent.
As I said my biological mother is abusive, and so were many of the other female figures in my life and they have all been cut off. I have no interest in any other close female authority figure being in my life, and I let my stepmother know this.
I did still respect her as a person, just not as a parental figure.
Now I’m going to uni and I asked my dad and stepmother to provide their household income information to help me apply for student finance. However, my stepmother has refused since I told her I don’t see her as a mother figure and so she won’t provide her information in place of a parent, which is fair enough.
If I can’t get student finance then I’ll just take a gap year and work to fund my living costs myself. I have no qualms there honestly. But my dad has taken the situation very personally. He said I ‘should have accepted her as a mother instead of throwing “I don’t need her as a parent.” My dad has also told me that I should contact my biological mother for her income even though I don’t financially depend on her.
It feels like he thinks I prefer my biological mother over my stepmother, which isn’t true and I told him it isn’t.
I’m not particularly concerned about the student finance part, but I am now wondering whether I’ve been a jerk or not. I wonder if me setting this boundary of her never being a mother figure was too harsh.
My dad has told me he believes I’m just being stubborn to prove a point when it really is just a matter of horrible past experiences for me. But am I wrong for placing that negative connotation of female parental figures onto her and setting that boundary?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I can see why you’d be wary of female authority figures if your bio mother was abusive. But it does not sound as if the step made any effort from the beginning to be parental toward you. So I don’t understand why she takes such high offense at your declaration.
You seemed to just be stating a fact to me. Not to mention, from your description, she took your relationship from benign neglect to active antipathy. Not much to love there. And I think your father has bungled this situation from front to back. And they are both behaving like jerks over your financial aid.
Trying to exercise control over someone’s emotions with financial pressure is a bad move. I am very sorry that you seem to have gotten the short end of the family stick. That said, I hope you have not closed yourself off to the possibility of female friendships.
When you connect with the right women, those friendships can change your life. It might take some trial and error, but when you find your tribe, they can sometimes become like a second family. One you picked yourselves. (Also, your tribe doesn’t have to be all women.
Just find a few good people who will stick by you, tell you the truth – even when it’s painful – and who cheer for you when you win.)” JayMeiCee
Another User Comments:
“A couple of things to separate here, but you’re NTJ in either case.
First the financial info. Your stepmother and dad are being jerks here. They were your guardians. That’s all the financial info is after. The idea of your stepmother withholding this info based on your relationship only supports your decision. Secondly the familial aspect. Nobody can expect a parental bond with anyone else (including biological children they have raised).
It takes work, empathy, and mutual engagement. Some will be able to build such a bond with stepchildren. However, I’d be suggesting that in your case, with your history with your bio mom, that relationship would always be super complicated. While I hope you find mentors etc. it’s never your fault that you don’t see any particular person as a mother.” Ok_Two_8173
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Talk to your dad. Explain to him how you feel about every female authority figure in your life failing you. Hopefully, he will understand. If not the 2 of you can at least establish a direct line of communication. No more secondhand accounts of what you did.
Maybe you can talk to your stepmom together. I think it is awful that she is trying to sabotage your life like this. It isn’t like she’s being asked to do anything hard. If I recall correctly all my mom had to do was e-sign a document & they loaded directly from the IRS.
What a petulant act… I will recommend this though. To save some money look into the community college or regional campus options, especially for your required courses (e.g. English, language, math, entry-level courses). You can save a lot of money & level one courses usually don’t have an issue transferring over so long as the credit hours match up.
That isn’t always the case with upper-level courses.” [deleted]
12. AITJ For Refusing To Redistribute My Nieces' And Nephews' Inheritance To Make It Equal?
“I lost both my parents in 2020. Early in the year, they had asked if I would take over protecting the trusts for my sister’s children (and stepchildren). I said yes.
Both my sister’s bio and both the stepkids are going to be paid a lump sum when they turn 20 that my parents had saved for them. My sister is aware that the money exists, she knew from our parents. She is also aware I am overseeing it until they are old enough.
My sister’s first husband died many years ago. Her first husband’s family is still active in her bios’ lives. At Christmas, they were made aware of a large savings account for both of them that was added to by both her late husband and the grandparents.
This appears to be a very large sum of money. Not sure just how much but it was enough to rattle my sister and her husband because this puts them at a huge advantage compared to their step-siblings, who never had any relationship with their mother’s extended family or their mother.
My sister asked me to put her bios’ money from our parents into the trusts for her stepkids, so that way they have it somewhat evened out. I said I wouldn’t feel right doing that. She told me I have the power to do it and it’s in my hands.
I told her I would follow the instructions left by our parents and would not change anything. She told me I am going to make her stepkids feel like it’s unfair and it’s going to divide her family more than it already is.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It was generous of your parents to leave the stepchildren anything, your sister is out of line for asking you to take away from one set of children and give it to the other. Even if it is in your power it’s not your duty to steal someone’s inheritance and that’s essentially what you would be doing.
Your sister can talk to the kids when they get older if she wants and let them decide, not to mention the children whose inheritance you took could take legal action against you since you wouldn’t be in accordance with the will.” Affectionate_Ice_658
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your parents (making an assumption) gave an equal amount to all the kids (lovely that they are treating the stepkids the same as bios) and it would be absolutely unfair to take the money they wanted their bios to have to ‘make it even’ because the bios’ parental extended family also set aside money.
It is patently unfair to tell bio kids that they have to give up their inheritance in favor of the stepkids. Your sister thinks her family is divided now? Wait until her bio kids find out she wanted to give away their money.” voluntold9276
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I don’t understand why the stepkids would get anything, both their parents are alive, right? And no one other than your parents contributed to that amount? It is only because your parents left them something and your sister should have some gratitude about that instead of insisting that you take from the children who lost their father to “even things out”.
People’s circumstances are different and her bio kids had a father and have some grandparents who helped with that money. The stepkids did not. So why should the amounts be the same? The circumstances are not. Your sister and her husband should add to his kids’ savings if they are so inclined but it shouldn’t be taken away from her bio kids to do that.
Your parents were good people and left you instructions. Please follow them.” uwishuhad1
11. AITJ For Wanting To Call Security On Non-Compliant Contractors At My Hospital Job?
“I (27f) work as a construction project manager on the owner’s side for a hospital. I’m currently on a very large project that is made up of a lot of smaller teams. I oversee all work that touches an existing facility.
Due to how our hospital operates, I manage my own team that I usually work with (let’s call Team A). Team A always follows procedures and protocols and I never have any issues. I occasionally have to work with Team B and there is nothing but issues.
Team B knows every contractor who works on the existing facility must go through our contractor badging process and go through our background check. They fight me every darn time saying things like “well they went through ours” or “their supervisor will be badged” or “they aren’t working the building”.
They send guys through orientation about 2 days before starting work knowing it can take up to two weeks. They also ignore me when I say they can’t start work until they’re badged.
Here is the issue. Someone from our company has to escort all unbadged folks.
If contractors aren’t badged, I have to waste my day babysitting them. I literally have to follow them while they work and it’s obnoxious for everyone. Team B has pulled several stunts saying “oh it will only be an hour or two” and then I’m stuck there all darn day.
I’m over it. I’ve wasted days watching contractors when I have tons of work that needs to get done. I do my best to work wherever but sometimes I physically can’t.
Here is where I’m at. I’m ready to call security anonymously and have security get them in trouble.
The issue is that it will push their schedule behind but at this point, I don’t care. The contractors can also get into a lot of trouble and there is a possibility they could be banned from working here. Again, I’m fine with it.
I feel like this would be a huge jerk move but I’m desperate to get them to follow the rules. I’ve tried getting them to work with Team A but they make it so difficult. Would I be the jerk if I called security on them?”
Another User Comments:
“100% NTJ. Hospitals have stringent legal requirements around handling PII and PHI data, as well as having a ton of other regulations (patient privacy/security) and criminal rules hanging over the heads (ex letting contractors get too close to the “good stuff” in the pharmacy unsupervised) that cause the security posture to be like this.
This security posture was set up as a close coordination between Legal and Security. Trust me, if Team B’s behavior gets filtered up to Security and through to Legal, all chaos is going to break loose for Team B. Depending on how flagrant and long the behavior has been happening, Legal is going to start mounting heads on spikes in the hallways to make it very clear that you follow the darn security rules.
They’re also lucky that this is “just a hospital.” If this were even just a normal federal agency, Team B’s manager might be trying on some new wrist jewelry with a rep from the IG office; if it were a facility with any sort of national security regulations, building security would have had Team B hauled into a conference room to inform that the federal law enforcement has been notified and they’re suspended immediately.
This stuff is no joke for companies and agencies that handle sensitive data and/or have sensitive materials in their possession. It’s 100% black and white. Follow the rules and start reporting Team B for violating the security rules. If you don’t, Legal very well might pencil you in on their bad list if something happens and they find out you were afraid of being a “narc.”” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Absolutely call. They are contractors, not hospital employees. I used to work in the oil industry for a supermajor. My company, despite the industry’s reputation, took safety very seriously. We had dedicated processes and lines of communication for reporting stuff like this, and you could lose your job if you witnessed employees or contractors not following procedure and didn’t report it.
If you contracted with us, you were legally bound to adopt company safety procedures, or we’d terminate your contract. I can’t tell you how many people reported contractors for not adopting company procedure on our sites. That stuff might fly with BP, but not at our company.
It sounds like your hospital needs to change or add a reporting process. I remember one crazy hundred-million-dollar project. Halfway through, we fired a contractor integral to the job, which cost the company dearly in downtime, but it was the right thing to do. You don’t want bad choices around flammable petroleum that end up costing human lives.
So 100% report this, and don’t feel sorry about it.” sionnachglic
Another User Comments:
“Are you the direct manager over team b? Or as a project manager do you at least have authority over their direct manager? If so you need to tell them they’re not working without proper procedure and be a stickler about it if they give you a hard time.
If you call the police and they get in trouble you’ll be the first one to go down if you’re supposed to be their supervisor. If you’re not their direct supervisor and team B’s leader (who isn’t associated with you at all) is ignoring these protocols then I’d say go for it.
I don’t work in construction so I’m not sure how management works there.” DependentOk2796
10. AITJ For Considering Reporting My Son's Daycare Teacher Over A Dress Code Misunderstanding?
“My son’s daycare, like many around the country right now, is short-staffed. It’s gotten bad enough that they have had to start dismissing kids because they don’t have enough staff to maintain the staff/child ratio.
They’ve put signs up around the daycare stating that if you receive a subsidy (government assistance with paying daycare costs) you are not supposed to bring in your child if you’re not working that day. I completely understand why this rule is in place and keep my son home if I’m planning on staying home that day.
I work in an administrative position at a hospital and while we don’t deal with the general public, it is still an office so Monday through Thursday I dress business casual. By the time Friday comes around, I’m over it and usually come to work in a T-shirt and a pair of yoga pants.
When dropping my son off this morning his teacher asked if I had seen the signs. I said yes I did, I’m on my way to work now. She looked me up and down and said “You’re on your way to work?” I said, “Yes, I always wear T-shirts on Friday.” She told me she would take my word for it and I went on my way.
I was telling my coworker about it and how I felt it was kind of rude but I didn’t want to say anything due to the fact that they’re dismissing kids and I didn’t want to step on any toes. She said if it was her she would say something and that the teacher was being a “judgy Karen”.
WIBTJ if I said something to the daycare owner? 4/5 parents I see drop off are dressed down even more than me but no one said anything to them?”
Another User Comments:
“Look, from the title, I was on your side. After reading, not so much.
“Monday through Thursday I dress business casual.” She’s used to seeing you in business casual when you are working. “You are not supposed to bring in your child if you’re not working that day.” This right here is why she asked you. She wasn’t trying to insult you.
She is trying to follow daycare rules. When you told her you were going to work, she didn’t argue. She just said she would take your word for it. If she had become belligerent or argued, different story. I would be on your side here.
You would be the jerk if you complained, and you probably wouldn’t get the results you are hoping to achieve. Your kid would probably just get the boot. This isn’t a serious enough issue to complain IMO.” Fritemare
Another User Comments:
“She wasn’t judging you, she was asking a reasonable question based on their rules.
If you usually dress business casual when working and then suddenly show up in yoga casual (which I’m assuming this specific worker has never seen you in) at a daycare that has a rule about not bringing kids in on your days off, it makes sense that she asked. And if all the other parents consistently “dress down” it’s safe to assume that’s what they wear to work and that is why they’re not getting asked the same question as you.
You’re the jerk if you “report” her for doing her job.” GlitterSparkleDevine
Another User Comments:
“I’m gonna go with you’re the jerk, or you would be the jerk. I get feeling annoyed that she questioned you because the reality is there are workplaces where business clothes aren’t required or the norm, but that’s what makes the daycare’s rule so hard to enforce, it’s not always obvious whether someone is going to work so they have to ask.
It would be different if she just assumed, based on your clothing, that you weren’t going to work and jumped straight to telling you you couldn’t drop your kid off that day. Now, this overworked woman might forget this conversation and ask you again on Fridays, but if it starts to feel like every Friday, she’s needling you with passive-aggressive comments on your attire, and implying that she doesn’t believe you, then I say complain.
But cross that bridge if you get there.” VisualCelery
9. AITJ For Wanting To Move Out Because Of My Parents' Constant Criticism?
“I, (17F), haven’t ever had an amazing relationship with my parents. I’m the youngest of five kids, but rather than being the golden child most think about, I’m the ‘problem child’.
Whenever something happens – related to me or not – I’m the one they blame, and because of this, I’ve become very distant and (admittedly) cold to my parents. I have no problems with my siblings other than general rivalry, but with my parents it’s different.
I am constantly getting back-handed comments from my mother. Things like ‘maybe your jeans don’t fit anymore because you’ve gained a few.’ And ‘when I was your age I was so slim and fit, maybe you should try that.’ All said in half-hearted tones in front of family and friends, which causes me to be embarrassed and become upset/frustrated with her.
She, however, plays the victim in those situations.
Recently I decided that in a year’s time I would be moving out to avoid destroying what little relationships I have with my family. I don’t intend to cut contact, but I know that if I stay something will be said that I won’t be able to recover from.
I’ve already had to deal with years of failed therapy and so on that always ended in (again) me being the problem.
I told my parents this, and immediately my mother jumped up and down about how I was doing it to tear the family apart and how she would never do anything like that.
My father took her side, and said I was just being a petty bitter person because I ‘never got the love the boys did’. I do not and never have felt this way.
In the moment I said some things that I shouldn’t have, along the lines of how ‘I’ve dealt with years of backhanded comments and being told things I’d rather not hear that I’m done listening to them and if they want to hate me this much, I’m more than happy to go no contact.’ This caused my mother to cry and my father to snap out at me and tell me to leave them alone for a while.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all. The comment about you being a “petty, bitter person” because you “never got the love the boys did” blows me away. Narc parents have a way of saying the silent thing out loud and still not understanding why they’re so bad and why you’re hurt.
Your feelings are valid. You say you shouldn’t have said the things about dealing with them for years, but it doesn’t sound like you said anything hurtful or untrue out of anger, just the truth honestly. And they can’t stand to face the truth that they’re not good parents to you and clearly treat you differently from your siblings.
That’s all on them. You’re right to get away as soon as you can. Also, don’t feel bad about limiting contact, even if you do go NC. Just because people are your parents doesn’t mean they deserve a place in your life.
Good luck in the intervening time, I do agree with the other commenter recommending gray rocking. Take whatever precautions and steps you need to make things as easy on yourself as possible.” Mountain-Scratch7211
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re the scapegoat of the family and they’re going to try to keep you around as much as possible just so someone else doesn’t become the scapegoat.
I wouldn’t bother telling them your plans – just make them and move on with your life when the time comes. Don’t be surprised if your siblings turn against you a bit when you do. They’re next in line to be picked on, after all.
Also, be sure you get all your important legal docs before you move out – birth certificate, social security card (or your country’s equivalent if you’re not from the US), graduation certificates, etc. Maybe consider setting up a PO Box 2-3 months before you move out so that your mail is already going somewhere they can’t access it and all important places like banks, bills, have time to adjust their files.
Be sure, also, that none of them have access to your bank accounts. If they do, find out what you need to do to open an account in your name only and at what age you can do it.” northstarette
Another User Comments:
“Why did you tell them?
You already don’t trust them. Your mother tries to undermine you left and right and make you feel bad about yourself whether she realizes it or not. And this is the kind of situation where you need to save up your money and then when you get closer you need to go find all your documents and you need to save up for your vehicle unless you can rent something level with a job that you can afford and you don’t need a car and then you need to leave.
I know it’s really hard and you’re young but this was always going to happen if you told them ahead of time. I think your mother might love you but she doesn’t want you to do well and she’s jealous of you and she has a habit of criticizing you so that you feel badly about yourself.
She is not going to be overjoyed when you move out and become successful and make a happy healthy good life for yourself. Maybe that was your first rehearsal. Maybe now you know how you need to do it.” mcclgwe
8. AITJ For Being Upset That My Sisters Are Allowed To Do Anything They Want?
“I’m 19f and I live with my 2 parents, my 90-year-old grandfather, my 16-year-old brother, and my two 14-year-old twin sisters who both have severe autism among other challenges. One of the twins (E for short) has PANS and is in the middle of a flair-up and doing IV infusions for 5 hours at a time once a month for 10 months.
My brother and I have missed out on a lot of things because of conflicts with my sisters, like missing birthday parties or my sisters having meltdowns in front of friends. I’m in my first year of college and I have one friend. I haven’t spoken to anyone outside of my best friend and family in over a month.
My family is my entire life and I can accept that for the most part.
The part that really infuriates me is that E and the other twin (C for short) are basically allowed to do whatever they want. For example, today E and I were filling up a planter to plant the seeds I bought for us to plant and take care of together.
E won’t scoop the dirt out of the bag but insists on grabbing it out of the bag with her hand, which makes a mess everywhere outside on the concrete. Eventually, she picks up a handful of dirt and just drops it right on our dog (S).
S is literally my favorite thing so I gasped and said “E why would you do that??” and my mom grabbed my arm and hissed at me to “not react”. So my mom just went and cleaned it up herself. Keep in mind my sister is perfectly capable of cleaning it up.
But my mom just keeps letting her make a mess and E just watches me get upset.
I finally just left and later my mom yelled at me for being so selfish and insensitive. There have been many more incidents like this over many years, but I’ve never reacted. I’ve been bitten by my sisters and never even moved. I just finally can’t keep it together and act like it’s all fine.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I work with special needs adults and you can’t just let them do whatever they want even when they throw fits. People need to learn what is and is not allowed and a lot of the time (not always) need some kind of structure.
The fact your parents use their autism as an excuse to let them do whatever they want would be frustrating especially when they let them get away with things like biting people and act as if you’re supposed to just take it and be fine with it because you’re family.” _in_the_void_
Another User Comments:
“NTJ time to start to look to move out. You are not the parent, your parents sound exhausted and frazzled and are just making immediate decisions for an easy life. You have the option to leave and get away from your disabled sisters, but apart from putting them in a facility, your parents don’t.
They are likely to be completely overwhelmed. This is not your responsibility, and to develop further in life it’d be healthy to move out of that environment and start the life you want to lead. Rather than being at the bottom of the food chain every single time.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I have worked as a caregiver with children and adults with autism. Your mom isn’t doing your siblings any favors if they ever need a different caregiver (either for long-term care or a hospital stay). Punishing them for something when they don’t understand is pointless, but you could, with an occupational therapist, work on strategies that help them discourage certain behaviors.
Treating them like a bomb that could go off is nerve-wracking and lacks utility. Also, I get that you love your siblings and your family. Just because you agreed to help be a caregiver for a time doesn’t mean that it is all that you can ever be.
If your entire life is spent living for them, you can very easily end up miserable and resenting yourself and your family. It is your parents’ job to take care of their children, and the twins aren’t your children.
Think about what you want to do with your life.
If all you want to do is take care of them, live your life that way. However, staying out of obligation won’t make anyone happy. Not you, Not the twins, and not your parents. You are young enough to go to university, move to another country, scuba dive with sharks, become the first woman president, or become a darned astronaut.
You get one life. Make sure that you live it for yourself, not because your family guilted you into doing what they want. It could be hard at first and they might not be happy with your choices. But they would be your own choices, not anyone else Honestly, if your parents don’t start making plans for the twins’ future, it’s going to end badly for everyone.
They (your parents) aren’t going to live forever and neither are you. You can’t be all the support your siblings need from a pragmatic or ethical position.” IraWeatherall
7. AITJ For Wanting To Change My Religious Name Despite My Family's Disapproval?
“I really want to change my name legally but I’m getting a lot of pushback from my spouse and family.
I was raised in a fundamentalist Christian church and was given a name that literally means “Follower of Christ.” I was finally able to leave and deconverted about ten years ago after escaping to college.
Ever since then, I have been working on undoing a lot of the trauma my upbringing gave me. I’ve started to really resent my name and have toyed around with changing it for years.
Lately, I’ve been expressing my desire to change it and while my friends have been very supportive my spouse and family get really upset and discourage me from changing it.
(All that paperwork, they can’t learn a new name after knowing me by this name so long, it would deeply hurt my parents’ feelings, disrespectful to change my name, etc…)
I soon will be accomplishing an educational goal and would love to have my name changed for the degree so that when I transition to a new career I can have a fresh slate to start with.
WIBTJ for changing my name?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ you should change it if you want to, and starting a new career is the perfect time. If you don’t wish to hurt your parents or you’re afraid to tell them, you could just not tell them.
Let them continue calling you what they call you, and the rest of the world can learn your new name. Or make up some other reason for changing it. It doesn’t have to be about religion? Do they know you’ve “deconverted?”” Restin_in_Pizza
Another User Comments:
“Dear OP YWNBTJ if you choose to change your name. You are the adult here and you have every right to change it. Good to know you have friends who support your decision but I am so sorry that your family doesn’t support you on it.
OP, go ahead and change your name. If your family carries on calling you by your old name, ignore them or go low contact with them. As for your spouse, stand your ground with the newly chosen name and don’t give in.” KangarooOk2190
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I have a lot to say but I’ll keep it short. If it makes you happy, it’s up to anyone who claims to love you and care about you to get comfortable with it. You’re an adult. They have no other option.
Your spouse needs to step back a bit and look around. I just don’t like their reaction. Marriages and long relationships are ride or die. Even I can see how important this is to you and why. I’d be on your side if I were in their shoes.
Paperwork? You’re not buying a house. It’s a fairly routine procedure at county buildings, etc. Sure, you have to change your driver’s license, SS card, bank info, etc. but all that happens once, and it’s done. You can do almost all of it online, anyway.
Good luck!” Lupin13
6. AITJ For Calling Out My SO's Constant Negativity Towards My Cooking?
“Generally, I am a positive person, trying to focus on the good parts of situations, not the bad. My partner is the opposite, constantly negative. They are aware of this trait, and they don’t want to be, but they get upset when I point out they’re being negative in any situation.
Last night I got home from work, after going grocery shopping, did the dishes, and started on dinner. (I do this about every day) Every night this last week my partner has walked in, and the first thing they say is something like “I don’t want to eat this”, “I’m tired of having this”, or “That doesn’t look good.”
So last night I had gotten tired of the negative response and said so. I suggested a positive way they could phrase their concern of “not liking what I’m cooking”. I then asked how they would like it if my first response to seeing them after work every day was “You’re looking ugly today” (My “Love Language” is more acts of service, and theirs is word so affirmation).
Their response was “You do say that”. I know their response to my comment was hyperbole based in frustration that I called them out for being negative, but it still hurt as I’ve never once said that.
I could tell the conversation wasn’t going to go anywhere healthy, when the responses got to extremes like this, on both our parts, so I left to go on a drive.
I felt like I needed to create space, to clear the air. It gave me time to wonder AITJ for calling out their negativity?”
Another User Comments:
“To walk into a kitchen and tell the person cooking “I don’t want to eat this”, “I’m tired of having this”, or “That doesn’t look good”, just isn’t a good way to open the evening.
If the food smells good and is of a food genre everyone likes, yes it gets a bit repetitive, and yes we all wish a 5-star chef would appear in our kitchens, but the truth is, we all have a couple of dozen things we understand how to make well, and you’re going to see it every couple of weeks.
Honestly, it sounds like you’re both tired and down (I don’t mean actual depression), just tired of the weather and work and same same same every day. I’m sorry, I feel like this wasn’t helpful. NTJ but they need to communicate better. They need to understand that for them to say “Mm!
Something smells good!” takes no more energy than to say “Oh ugh meatloaf again?” It’s literally that easy. It’s food, it’s warm, it’s edible, it was prepared with love.” Unit-Healthy
Another User Comments:
“You go to work every day, go grocery shopping afterward, do the dishes when you get home, and make dinner?
Every day? And your partner walks in and complains about what you’re making? And your response when you finally snap is…to go for a little drive?! Please tell me that your partner had a big pile of spaghetti on their head when you left. I can’t scrape up a vote in your favor if you’re really truly letting yourself be used like this.
Did I miss something?” HeartpineFloors
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! With things like this (dinner, plans, etc) I try to take it to basics. Don’t complain unless you provide an alternative. ex. Don’t say “I don’t want to eat that,” say “I don’t really feel like eating that, do we have any leftover chicken from last night?
I’ll have that with the veggies” OR they can start making their own lol. The one thing I will say is try focusing on “I” language instead of “you” language. Don’t know how the conversation starts with you all so assuming here. Don’t say “You’re being negative.” Say: “I feel like I’m not being appreciated and it’s making me feel upset.” I feel that it really helps de-escalate things.” OverfedRacoon
5. AITJ For Refusing To Swap My Weekend Off With A Single Mother Coworker?
“My coworker started last year and has had lots of staffing issues because she has Tues, Wed off and she’s a single mother so it doesn’t correlate with daycare.
We are a 7-day-a-week operation so I get Sat, and Sun off because I’m one of the most senior. I’ve been here 3 years so I get the best days off.
She has been complaining to our boss since she has to miss work whenever she can’t find babysitting for her son.
Our boss tells her he can’t do anything unless one of the more senior people agrees to switch. There are 3 of us who get Sat and Sun off and she went after me because I don’t have kids. I’m also the youngest and she and her friends who got her the job have been trying to get me to give them Sat and Sun off.
I don’t want to let go of my weekends and told them I’m not letting go of them.
My last weekend I posted a social media photo of me and my partner skiing on the weekend and she showed the photo to all our coworkers as proof that I was wasting my weekend and she was using her time off raising her son.
I got sick of it and complained to our boss who warned her if she did it again she would be fired. She’s angry at me for almost costing her her job which would leave her son hungry.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. “Wasting your weekend”?
What does she expect you to do on your time off? That’s so bizarre. I understand why she would ask you first out of the three to accommodate her, but personally, I think she should have respected boundaries and dropped it the first time you said no. I don’t think your boss necessarily went about it in the right way in response, but perhaps they reacted this way because there are other negative behaviors compounded with this incident.” BodhisMom1224
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Everyone has to work five days, seniority decides who gets weekends off. Your time not at work is no one’s business but yours; not your boss’s business and certainly not your co-workers’ business. If you want to do something crazy, no co-worker gets to say diddley squat about its importance in the grand scheme of the universe.
Your boss should not have punted the whole “he can’t do anything unless a person with more seniority is willing to change” and simply said “we hired you and set the expectation that you work from Thursday to Monday. If you can’t make that work it’s on you.” It was the right move to speak to your boss about the co-worker harassing you about switching hours; you said no to her and she’s not respecting that decision.
Also, I don’t see how having weekends off means she never has to worry about babysitter availability during the week. She just wants weekends off.” schroobster
Another User Comments:
“NTJ she accepted the job knowing her schedule. It’s not like you took over HER days off AFTER she agreed to take the job.
If she had no problems with this arrangement before accepting, she shouldn’t have any now. And yeah, entitled parents drive me crazy. I’m also young and child-free and I work for an organization where most of the staff is female. I’m sick and tired of entitled mommies asking for additional days off, skipping meetings, and coercing people to substitute them for free or on short notice because they have kids.
As my senior colleague said (she has two grown-up kids), when she was young (with small children on hand) nobody even thought of better treatment because of kids. Having or not having kids should not influence one’s job. For some reason, modern parents think otherwise.” Ok_Yesterday_6214
4. AITJ For Laughing When My Mom Cried After My Niece Called Her A "Poopyhead"?
“I (17f) was hanging out with my mom (57), older sister (29), and her daughter (3) on the way to go shopping when my niece asked my mom for a sip of her Starbucks drink. My mom said no since of course she wasn’t going to give a 3-year-old espresso and in response, my niece kind of cutely crossed her arms and “hmphed” and called my mom a “poopyhead”.
My sister and I laughed because it was pretty silly, and at the time I didn’t think it was very serious, but all of a sudden our mom just burst into tears and was dead on bawling because of it.
She kept saying to my sister how disrespectful that was of my niece and how she doesn’t understand how she would even think it’s okay to do that???
It was confusing and weird and honestly, I thought it was an over-exaggeration. When we got to the store my mom even refused to get out of the car and said it had ruined the day for her and for us to just go on without her since obviously apparently we would have more fun without her since she was such a “poopyhead”.
Honestly, after that, I started laughing again because, I know it was immature, but the fact that our mom openly was acting like my sister’s toddler had cursed at her made me laugh so hard.
This made my mom even more mad, and my older sister started yelling at me for “making the situation worse” but honestly I feel like the situation shouldn’t have even been a situation period.
It was a silly thing that a 3-year-old said because 3-year-olds say things and it was both ridiculous and funny that my mom would try and ruin the whole day because of it.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I don’t… necessarily want to armchair-diagnose here, but I’m a little concerned for your mother that she took this bit of age-typical silliness so seriously.
Toddlers think poop humor is hilarious and will try to incorporate it into the conversation whenever they can get away with it. I really doubt this is the root of the problem. Try asking older sister to have a gentle talk with her to see if there’s anything going on behind the scenes that’s causing her to be so fragile, but don’t take it upon yourself.
It’s clear two adults need to have a discussion here.” one_1f_by_land
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Is mom maybe going through menopause? It just sounds like such a bewildering overreaction. No shame at all, but my mother was prone to emotional outbursts when hers started, mostly because she didn’t realize what was happening at first, and then the fact that it was happening upset her so everything upset her.
It was a lot more understandable why she just had a really short fuse. I kind of hope your mom is going through it to explain why she’s having a fit. You don’t have to feel bad though, she’s still a grown adult losing her temper because of the word poopyhead.” Lucylovei
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, tentatively. It sounds to me like maybe there’s something (or a lot of small somethings) that’s been upsetting your mum for a while, and being insulted by a sulky toddler with no attempt to discipline by your sister was just the straw that broke the camel’s back.
If this is out of character for her, maybe you need to have a chat and figure out what’s really making her so stressed. Often the things that make us snap are really dumb, it’s the underlying issues (job stress? Relationship issues? A history of your sister letting her kid be rude?
Mental health struggles? Whatever) that’s the real problem. It was disrespectful though. Yeah, poopyhead is a dumb, childish insult, but it’s an insult nonetheless. That would never fly in my family. I would’ve been immediately ticked off by my mum and subjected to a talk about how we can’t just call people names when we’re angry because it’s hurtful blah blah blah and how people are allowed to say no to us using (or drinking, in this case) their things and it’s important to respect the “no”.
Your sister did kind of drop the parenting ball here, IMO. So I’m gonna say she’s the (minor) jerk in this situation.” BorderlineBadBrain
3. AITJ For Snapping At My Coworker Who Criticized My Husband's Weekly Flower Gifts?
“I (28F) have been in this job for 5 years. I have also been married to my husband (30M) for the same duration.
Except for the year we were WFH, my husband – who is a florist – has been sending me small bouquets of flowers every Monday (think 3 roses, a small bunch of baby breath…just small arrangements).
I have a small vase on my desk where I put them.
This year a new woman joined our workplace. The first Monday she was here, when I received my bouquet she asked if it was a special day. Another coworker said that it was a weekly gift from my husband.
She made a face and changed the subject.
But she started making comments every single Monday when the receptionist brought my gift in. Small things like: “well we can’t all afford to waste our money on stuff like that” or “don’t you think that’s a bit tacky?” I never reacted to her jabs.
I am a pro at selective hearing.
This last Monday she went over the line IMO, she said “I think your hubby is overcompensating, are you sure he doesn’t have a mistress?”
I was upset, and I said: well some of us love our spouses and like to show it, not all of us are staying in a toxic relationship for the sake of keeping appearances.
Which was a low blow, since I knew that she was having trouble with her husband.
She started sobbing and left work early. And while every single person in the office says that I was in the right, that I was more patient than they would have been in my situation.
I can’t help but feel like I went too far. So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. My ex-husband still sends me flowers regularly or brings them to me himself. They’re always the same flowers. Two pink roses and three white ones. Two pink for our two daughters and three white for the ones that didn’t make it to us.
The habit started when I first had my oldest and I felt terrible PPD and it fixated on my lost pregnancies for some reason. I felt like I couldn’t feel the loss or mention I lost any pregnancies because all anyone said was “but now look at her” as if my living baby somehow replaced the loss I felt.
And one day he came home with a pink rose and white ones and I just felt better. It felt like a small part of my life was acknowledging the loss existed and that it was still a valid part of me and my life.
It gave me a little reminder of them and that my daughter was here now but not a replacement. And when that first bouquet died I felt sad and cried a lot, so he got another. And another. And another. 7 years later and he still buys them.
There’s always one of those bouquets in my house because of it. And I’ve had people make nasty comments about it. Insinuating he was being unfaithful while not knowing the reason behind it. Comments that he must be making up for some type of abuse or “here’s another apology flower.
Come on, tell us what he did.” And I never felt like explaining the importance of the flowers to me and would just brush the comments off, but I understand how angry it can make you for people to make something positive seem bad. So I feel like your response was justified and she should have just kept her comments to herself.” RepulsiveThing3618
Another User Comments:
“ESH. There seems to be a strain of thought that you are supposed to tolerantly put up with rudeness until some invisible, defined-by-you line is crossed, then it’s suddenly okay to be as rude as you want, dig deep into mean people’s insecurities and twist the knife as hard as you can.
I mean… really? Look. It’s up to you. The rest of the comments on the board are going to sing your praises. You’re going to get scads of “You go girl” and “She could dish it out but couldn’t take it” comments. Fine. Just ask yourself… is this the kind of person you want to be?
The gal who makes other women cry? After all, you clearly crossed the co-worker’s invisible line, defined by her.” akaioi
Another User Comments:
“YTJ just for making the receptionist “bring your gift in” every Monday morning from the person you live with. Presumably, you two have chosen to unnecessarily publicize your Monday morning appreciation ritual so your coworkers will comment on it.
So, if you can’t take it, then change it. Let him give you the flowers at home before work or with breakfast. You don’t get the right to lash out when suddenly the comments you are soliciting don’t suit you. Also, I highly doubt that the receptionist looks forward to playing delivery girl on top of her other Monday morning duties.” LogAggressive7553
2. AITJ For Not Wanting To Be The Primary Caregiver For My Stepson?
“My husband of 5 years recently mentioned that his 16-year-old son would like to come live with us permanently. We suspect there might be issues at home with his mom and her new partner, hence his change of mind, we had suggested this change 2 years ago when he started HS so we could be on top of his studies and athletic participation, but he stated he couldn’t leave his mom.
He would need to change school districts since we live 4 towns away.
My husband works 14 days out of state and is home 5 days, if I accept then that would mean I would be the primary caregiver for him, meaning transport to and from school, sports practice and games, meals, homework, bedtime and everything else that comes with raising a teenager.
I would know I’ve raised 2 kids my youngest being 20 and I have enjoyed these last 2 years being independent and child-free. He’s a good kid, but I kinda like being on my own. I need to know before my husband and I have this conversation, WIBTJ if I said no??”
Another User Comments:
“Yes you would be the jerk and he’d resent you and his father for the rest of his life. I’m not saying she should take on all of the responsibility here (Dad is absolutely also the jerk) I guess it’s more of an everyone sucks (except the kid).
But he’s 16 and can presumably take care of himself mostly. The you would be the jerk is more about whether or not she wants to maintain a relationship with the kid. If he’s rejected, their relationship isn’t going to go smoothly and he’s going to resent everyone.” kr0mb0pulos_michael
Another User Comments:
“You would not be the jerk I realize some nonstepparents are responding with you’re the jerk, but from experience and given your husband being gone so much, you would be taking on a teenager full time without the support of either bio parent.
This isn’t fair to you or your stepson. While I’m sure your husband helped with your two kids, you were there doing the bulk of the parenting of your own kids. If your husband agrees to change jobs, I think you should support the move… but even then, you need to set expectations with him.
This can’t all fall on your shoulders because you are the woman/mom. This is a blended family and it’s more complicated than many can imagine.” No-Anything-4440
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Please sit down and talk with your husband. If it were me, I’d let him stay on weekends and holidays (Christmas, spring & summer breaks).
He’s 16 so that means in 2 years he can fly out of the coop on his own. Have your husband talk with his son’s school counselor and see how he’s doing at school and extracurricular activities. With the information gleaned from the school counselor, you both may have a clearer picture yourselves.
I understand your husband works away from home for 14 days (whew, that’s long). Perhaps a family court hearing can shed some light as you mentioned possible issues with his mother’s partner. If the court decides in your husband’s favor, he’s legally able to inform his employer that he needs to be at home full-time.
Just inform and see what options may arise. Or, your husband can hire a driver to transport his son to/from school, sports games. Yes, NTJ for wanting to be child-free. Preserve your sense of spiritedness. If you become dispirited, you can’t take care of yourself and accordingly unable to take care of him.
He can sense your dispiritedness and that’s corrosive for him. That’s why I mentioned some kind of hearing at a family court.” Mr_Ariyeh
1. AITJ For Giving My Nauseous Male Coworker Pregnancy Ginger Candies?
“I (30 F) get really bad car sickness and when I get migraines I get nauseous so I carry these ginger candy that is meant to help with nausea.
And yes they do come from the pregnancy and prenatal area of the store and they are targeted to pregnant people. But they do help with nausea without taking actual meds that a lot of the time make me tired.
So yesterday morning one of my leads A (28M) at work was not feeling well and was feeling nauseous so I gave him one of my candies from my bag.
I did tell him that it was a ginger candy that was meant to help with nausea. It seemed to help him and a couple hours later he asked if I had any more, so I gave him a small handful.
Well, I found out this morning that A is upset with me because our supervisor M (34M) must have recognized the wrappers to the candies and that his wife used those candies for both of her pregnancies.
Now the guys at work are talking about how it was a jerk move to give him pregnancy treatment (they were all natural and had nothing other than natural ingredients) to him. And now he is ignoring me.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Oh did the poor man get his feelings hurt??
First, he gets a little nauseous and then you give him GASP a candy to help?! These dudes need to stop trying to protect their fragile masculinity and get over themselves. Ginger candy is a great way to help with nausea and I used them all the time as an outdoor guide leading ocean kayak/SUP trips.
Next time they need something from you, make sure to clarify that pregnant people ALSO use whatever it is they need and you want to make sure they are aware to avoid a mistake like this in the future.” Superb_Space7318
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
It’s called toxic masculinity. You helped him when he needed it. My mum, sister (19), and I (25m) suffer from migraines/nausea and mum gives us ginger juice with honey and it helps. And she started drinking it to help with nausea when she was pregnant with me.
There’s nothing wrong with it. Just because it helps women during pregnancy, doesn’t mean it can’t help guys. A should be grateful that you helped him.” Logical-Abroad4945
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