People Leave Lasting Impressions In These "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
22. AITJ For Defending My Trans Daughter At My Other Daughter's Wedding?
“I (49m) have 3 beautiful children: Peyton (24f), Clara (20f), and my son James (29m).
So my daughter Clara is trans but I still support her and told her she will always be my daughter and not to doubt it for a second. Well, my daughter Peyton has been planning her wedding for a year and the big day was today.
Let’s fast forward to the dinner.
We sit down and Clara wants to sit down next to me and Peyton says oh no no we don’t want a (slur for trans people) sitting next to our family move along you disgrace. Clara ran off in tears and I screamed at Peyton.
And left.
She accused me of being a jerk for being supportive of her brother being trans and that being trans is awful.
So AITJ here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I’m assuming since you are accepting of Clara that you did not raise your children to be bigots.
I would be so disappointed and embarrassed by Peyton for her comments. You did absolutely nothing wrong and you should make it crystal clear to Peyton that her behavior will not be tolerated.” lostalldoubt86
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Seriously, who the heck says those terms these days?
Especially to your own sister. Like what is wrong with your oldest? Like does she have some internalized transphobia? Seriously good for you to defend your other daughter. I get it’s probably hard cutting out your eldest kid, but honestly, I would stop dealing with her toxic personality.” camo_boy67
Another User Comments:
“Definitely not the jerk. Peyton ruined her own wedding, by degrading her own sister publically. You did the right thing by supporting your child who was just brutally attacked by somebody she was raised beside.” Due-Philosopher-1976
21. AITJ For Wearing Traditional Chinese Clothing To My Dad's Korean Wedding?
“I (15f) was born to a Chinese mother (29f) and a Korean father (31m). They got a divorce when I was a baby, I often visit Korea to see my father, he got married a few weeks ago to his new wife A-Yeong (30f).
Their wedding was in Korea and I flew there to attend. Beforehand I asked my dad if I could wear traditional Chinese clothing, and he said go for it.
On the day of the wedding, I was sitting with my dad’s family in the front row when A-Yeong walked down the aisle.
She just lost it when she saw me, she said I was taking the attention away from her and if I was gonna come I needed to wear traditional Korean clothing. I ended up yelling at her telling her that my dad gave me permission to wear this, and she ended up kicking me out.
Now I have a lot of cousins from my dad’s side sending me horrible messages about how I ruined the wedding. I feel really bad about it but I got permission, so AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Your dad is the one A-Yeong should be mad at.
She gave you a dress to wear & you went to your dad & asked to wear a Chinese dress, he said yes but didn’t tell his wife causing her to flip out when she saw you & make her own wedding about your clothes which was weird.
I know you’re not close to your Korean side. But it’s still part of your heritage. Wearing Korean clothes as someone with Korean heritage, to a Korean wedding being held in Korea is a fair request & your dad should have told you that. NTJ because you asked & your dad & his wife should have handled this better.” excel_pager_420
Another User Comments:
“You did nothing wrong insofar as you asked if it was okay and was told yes. On the other hand, wearing something that specifically draws attention to your mother’s family (i.e. your dad’s first marriage) is a bit tactless towards his new wife at their wedding.
But I guess that’s down to whether you thought that your dad would have discussed it with A-Yeong first or taken her feelings into consideration – you know better than anyone here whether or not your dad is the type to have taken her into consideration before saying yes.
Lastly, I get the impression that there’s a fair bit of anti-Chinese sentiment in Korea, but I’ve got no idea whether wearing Chinese clothing would cause problems in that regard. (E.g. I’d imagine that wearing traditional Japanese clothes to a Chinese wedding in Nanjing might be rather offensive, but don’t know if there is a similar issue in Korean-Chinese relations in the past).” ThoseSixFish
Another User Comments:
“I’m gonna go against the grain here but after reading your follow-up comments: in my opinion YTJ. 1) The bride asked you to wear a specific dress and you went behind her back to ask your dad for ‘permission’ to wear something else.
You should’ve asked the bride or should’ve specifically told your dad wearing another dress would be against the wishes of the bride. 2) You said you chose to wear a Tang dynasty dress. Those dresses are quite extravagant firstly, and secondly, they are a pretty obvious reference to your dad’s Chinese ex-wife.
Not cool. The fact that you didn’t wanna wear the Korean dress the bride asked you to because it would feel like ‘costuming’ feels like a bad excuse. If that was the case you should’ve just told the bride. You and she would probably have found a compromise.” beastmen-enjoyer
20. AITJ For Not Wanting To Attend A Bachelor Party After Being Invited As An Alternate?
“I was kind of surprised I didn’t get an invite to the bachelor party when I got the wedding invite. This was one of my best friends during our time in the military, but admittedly we’ve lost touch since I separated from the service so I got over it.
Yesterday, another buddy of mine (also from our time in the military) who’s organizing the bachelor party reached out to me and basically said that their plans fell apart and nobody is going to be able to make it. He asked if I’d be able to make it since he’s basically trying to salvage some sort of bachelor party.
I’m pretty sure I’d have a good time if I went, but I didn’t feel great about not being invited in the first place and I don’t think anybody likes feeling like a second choice.
Am I being a petty jerk for not wanting to go because I was only invited as an alternate?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I get it your feelings are hurt, but with weddings/bachelor parties you’ve gotta draw the line somewhere. It sucks you didn’t get the first invite but could it be not wanting to mix different groups of friends? Sometimes that can cause issues if you know certain people might not get along.
Plus, if you go and have a good time it’ll be a good chance to reconnect with the friend you’ve lost touch with. It sucks but I’d still go.” happycamper6999
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s not your job to save the bachelor party because the “top choices” couldn’t make it.
If you want to go, do it. But you don’t have to put your feelings aside to help everyone else. You might consider that you were intended to be included, but costs/size got in the way originally. I’m sure your friend did not mean to hurt your feelings so going to have fun with them might be worth it still.
Hard to go wrong here, but if you choose to go just enjoy the trip. Don’t make it about you and your feelings.” Superb_Space7318
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you’re right no one wants to be a backup. And you are entitled to decline.
Although their first didn’t want to come either, that’s a them problem. You will not be wrong if you go or you don’t. Just try to figure out what’s more important to you: being the first choice or helping your buddy celebrate this milestone.
No right or wrong answer.” LolaJune25
19. AITJ For Giving My Co-Worker Extremely Hot Sauce Despite His Claims Of Loving Spicy Food?
“Someone at work left a hot sauce, Carolina Reaper to be exact and for some fun, I gave it to a few people who liked hot sauce and thought they could handle it.
Then there’s Paul (60s?) who claimed he loved hot sauce, he’s just been to Thailand, etc. So I warn him and tell him it’s ridiculously hot and multiple people in my place of work warned him saying when they had it they were sweating etc.
I gave him a tiny bit and immediately he went into the bathroom, then outside to get some fresh air, I got him some milk and asked if he was okay. He got a ride home after not looking very well, apparently he was sick for hours.
A couple of days later he comes back in and says I’m a jerk and I shouldn’t do that to people because if someone had a stomach ulcer it could kill them and he has problems with his liver etc. I didn’t know about any medical issues prior to this apart from his obvious walking with a stick.
So yeah, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. When someone warns you that something is extremely hot, you taste it at your own risk. One of my uncles makes fairly hot salsa and chili that he brings to family events (even though most of his siblings can’t handle heat at all), and everybody knows to take a very small first bite to see how heavy he went on the chilis this time.” KaliTheBlaze
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You warned him. More to the point, if he believed hot sauce could cause medical problems then he should have been avoiding it altogether. Granted, he’s wrong when it comes to peptic ulcers. It’s been quite a while since spicy food was blamed for those.
Then again, we didn’t even know that they could be caused by a bacterium until the 1980s. Which is telling when that’s the culprit in the vast majority of cases. A process that involved a doctor drinking a bacterial culture extracted from a patient’s ulcer to convince the medical establishment to take the hypothesis seriously.
Not that medical facts are in the slightest bit relevant. He was just trying to make you feel bad. Why on Earth he felt the need is beyond me.” Veissella
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Going against the grain here, but offering people a hot sauce without telling them what kind is reckless.
Just passing it off as a normal hot sauce that just happens to be super spicy is nowhere close to the level of spice that it actually is. The Carolina Reaper is literally the hottest pepper on the planet. It’s 440 times hotter than a jalapeno, which for a lot of people is the right amount of spice they like when they say they like spicy food.
You said you thought it would be fun to give it to people. Especially because you mentioned the pepper by name, shows you know what kind of knowledge you have on peppers. You should have warned people about what they were getting themselves into. Unless you specifically told them the brand of hot sauce.
Then they are on their own.” twizzler063
18. AITJ For Reporting A Co-Worker's Mistakes That Put My Job At Risk?
““No snitching” is like a commandment at my job right now. It’s healthcare and it’s a union. My co-worker was giving me the wrong names of people to pick up and transport, so I brought two patients down that were not supposed to be moved. You’re probably going to say “it’s your job to double-check the name” but the problem was, the names he gave me matched with said patient even though both were wrong.
In my head, I thought I was doing good because the name matched the patient — but then it came back to me and my supervisor had to ask me why I was messing up.
My butt was on the line because of someone else’s mistakes and I said exactly that.
Now I look like a snitch, but why can’t he just own up to his mistakes? Why am I the snitch for trying to save my own behind?! AITJ??”
Another User Comments:
“As someone who has been a manager forever, I fully expect my employees to own up to their mistakes, correct them, and not repeat them.
In your situation, YOU weren’t the one who made the mistake. Your coworker was. You weren’t snitching. You were verifying the sequence of events that led to 2 people receiving the wrong medical treatments/tests/procedures. THEY should have been the ones to admit that the mistake was theirs, not yours.
Explain how the mistake was made and what remedies they are going to use to not repeat the mistake. Unless it’s a repeat offender, the employee wouldn’t get into trouble with me, or most managers that I know.” halfwaygonetoo
Another User Comments:
“I think it depends on how you go about the situation.
If you’re going to “snitch” best to not tell anyone about it, and don’t let anyone see you writing it down either. If the other worker’s mistakes were indeed putting your position at risk, then you’re valid to clear your name.
You have bills, I’d assume, so you need to be able to support yourself first and foremost. If the others are willing to make a big deal out of it and not just move on, then yeah I would maybe find a friendly work environment to be in…” Pyro-Pumpkin
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. His mistake, so he needs to deal with the repercussions. Sounds like he might have been using that no-snitch unspoken rule to get you to mess up and take the heat and get fired. Does this person have a reason to have a vendetta against you?
Or is he just a jerk who feels the union will protect him and so to heck with giving the right names for things? Either way, you expected he was doing his job correctly so you could do your job correctly. He’s the jerk. You’re NTJ.” TKD_Mom76
17. AITJ For Not Telling My Fiancé About My Pregnancy And Miscarriage?
“I (19f) have been with my fiancé (26m) for almost a year now. We were physically together for a while but because of the cost of living I moved across state; he’s still where he’s at because he has a 9-year-old son and can’t leave.
When we’ve spoken about kids in the past he’s said now isn’t the time because of his son.
In April I found out I was 6 weeks pregnant and decided against telling him at the time because I thought he would be upset with me over it.
I intended on waiting to tell him because I wanted to try and talk him into us keeping the baby.
Two weeks ago roughly I ended up miscarrying and also didn’t tell him. It sucked but I never talked to anyone about it except the friend that drove me to the er.
He ended up finding out last night and doesn’t seem concerned about the actual miscarriage itself at all but is angry that I lied to him. I didn’t intend to hurt him. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but this whole situation kinda sketches me out.
He starts seeing an 18-year-old at 25, after getting another girl pregnant when he was 16? At 19, you should be taking precautions not to get pregnant yet anyway (unless that’s part of your plan), but this is giving me vibes of him refusing to wear protection because it’s not as nice for him.
I don’t know, there’s a lot of red flags here, and you might want to think about what is best for you.” mymycojourney
Another User Comments:
“1) I’m sorry to hear you had to go through this alone. Miscarriages are hard. 2) This is hard to cast a verdict on.
On one hand, you can argue he had a right to know since he was the future father. On the other hand, his reaction suggests that he would’ve made the situation miserable for you. I’m getting a vibe of “how dare you do this to me when I have a child and you knew I’m not ready for another” that would’ve been pushed on you, again making you the “bad guy”.
Ultimately, I’m saying NTJ.” mini_misanthrope
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. OP you are worthy and deserving of so much more. I guarantee that even if you had told him he would have a) found something else to whinge about and b) offered 0 support. There is an entire world out there.
Even within the confines of your town, you have a world to explore, people to meet, friends to make, and experiences to cherish. I am so sorry for your miscarriage. It’s an awful thing to go through and then for the one you love to just bypass all the support and go straight for you lied to meeee.
No good man would center himself in such an awful event. Cut him loose. Treat yourself better and when you treat yourself with love and friendship (yeah you can be a friend to yourself) you will attract a diamond, a real keeper. Get him in the bin love.” CauliflowerKlutzy189
16. AITJ For Wanting To Sue My Brother For My Share Of Our Family Business?
My (29) father passed away and my older brother D (32) took over the family business and properties. Everything was in his name. My brother D has been helping our father since he was 9. The rest of us took no interest in the business but after our father passed away I wanted my share as one of his children.
My brother D told me I could live rent-free in one of the properties and get a monthly check as our father has told him to do but that under no circumstances were we to get involved in the business as we have proven to be too reckless and untrustworthy.
(Our father never got over how my younger brothers and I would race and get in trouble with the law.)
We all have grown and I think we should get a chance to help run the family business but my other brothers don’t want to get involved they are happy with the scraps my older brother is offering us.
I always thought my older brother looked down on us. Would I be the jerk if I tried to sue to get my fair share?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, your brother contributed to the business for a whopping 23 years, and after you have wanted nothing to do with it in the same time frame, you suddenly want benefits that you didn’t earn?
How up your rear are you? You being allowed to live rent-free in one of the properties is already incredibly generous, and from how jealous you sound here, your brother is right, you should go nowhere near the family business.” CheckNecessary8236
Another User Comments:
“You sound like a terrible bitter person.
And you will never stop being bitter until you change your attitude and your outlook. Even if your brother lets you have part of the business, you’ll complain about having to work, about your work not being enough, about how your brother should be grateful you show up once a month.
If business goes down, it would never be your fault (even if objectively it was). You are a professional victim. Truly, cause you’re actually getting paid to whine about what you do not have. Is this business something that actually interests you? Or do you just want to play boss for the fantasies you have going in your head?
What are you willing to give up? That free lodging? The free money?” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“YTJ you’re getting a good deal, if you want to be a part of the business here’s what you have to do 1. Go to your brother, apologize, and tell him that you’re interested in being a part of the business, and want to prove you can be responsible enough to be a part of it, ask to work there.
Tell him that while you know you can’t just jump into running things, you’d like to start working there to understand how everything works and hopefully be a part of running it someday, or ask to be told what to do to prove you can be trusted. 2.
After you’re given answer accept that answer if it’s no. If the answer is yes go do what you need to do to prove yourself or if you get the job learn the ropes and don’t try to coast on the family name or use it to pressure people.
3. Try your best at whatever you do and don’t make your brother regret trusting you.” barhrun
15. AITJ For Not Wishing My Step-Mom Happy Mother's Day?
“My (19f) parents have been divorced since I was 13.
My dad (42) and his current wife (48) have been married since I was 15.
There is a step-parents day on September 16th. We normally do something then.
This last Mother’s Day my brother (14) and I didn’t say Happy Mother’s Day to Dad’s wife. We didn’t say it because we didn’t even think about it. We were too old when she married Dad to think of her as a mother.
She never even tried to get to know us, she just assumed she was our maternal figure now.
That night when Dad got home from work we were all in our rooms doing our own thing. Dad’s wife starts an argument with him. (Regular occurrence, unfortunately).
She was complaining about how not one person said Happy Mother’s Day to her and she has had to “put up with it for the last 5 years”. Dad said he called in order to say Happy Mother’s Day but she didn’t answer the phone. (She doesn’t have any kids she was never in any other relationship until she met my dad).”
Another User Comments:
“It amazes me how people think just because they married the children’s parent, that they instantly get the title of step-parent. News flash, YOU DON’T!! That title is EARNED by putting in the work to actually try and be a parental figure to the children.
I have a now 22-year-old son from a previous relationship before I met my wife: we’ve been married for 5 years and she put in the effort and work to get to know my son and his interests and I’m so glad because he and her have an amazing relationship and he willingly tells her Happy Mother’s Day on his own because he values and trusts her.
My wife has a now 7-year-old son (we met when he was 4) and I took the time to get to know my little buddy and after a year he felt comfortable enough to start calling me daddy. The first time he did, his mother’s eyes welled up so fast and she started crying (his father is absent so he never had that figure in his life before).
My point is to say if you want the title, work for it! NTJ to you and your brother. But huge, gaping jerk to your father’s wife.” Clean-Ad-257
Another User Comments:
“INFO: does she do anything for you? Does she keep house, contribute more to household expenses than the 25% she’s responsible for, drive you or your brother anywhere, make meals that you eat, run any errands for you, spend any time with you or for your events?
If not, she’s not performing that much of the mother’s role. If yes, maybe you could offer a kind greeting in exchange.” Atala9ta
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You live with this lady? She pays bills, does housework, provides food? You are still mad Mom and Dad divorced?
You blame her? Valid – then don’t live there under her roof. If you are in their home you show respect and appreciation to those that provide. You weren’t thoughtless- you were rude and hurtful. Don’t like her, don’t live there.
Live there? Show some respect.” grianmharduit
14. AITJ For Calling My Uncle Gluttonous After He Commented On My Eating Habits?
“I have struggled with my weight my entire life, and it’s a common thread in my family. I have been able to lose around 15kg this year solely from caloric restriction, I already feel better but training myself to eat healthy hasn’t been easy.
Earlier today I was eating with my uncle (who is also overweight), we went out to eat lunch at a Chinese buffet.
I stopped eating after a plate of food and fruit and my uncle took notice and mentioned it. We did some shopping at the mall after we had lunch and as we were passing the food court he mentioned that they had a boba/pastry place and offered to buy us some.
I declined and waited for him to eat his pastry and boba so we could go.
As we were driving he asked if I’m doing ok and I told him I’m fine, he kept pressing and said “I’ve noticed that you don’t eat as much and it seems a lot like what your cousin Ari went through” (my cousin Ari struggles with anorexia and at one point had to go to rehab”).
I told him I was okay and that I’m just trying to eat healthier which he responded with “it’s not normal to not eat.” (mind you I ate a full plate and actually exceeded my calorie target for lunch)
This annoyed/angered me so I told him “because I’m trying to be healthy?
Just because you’re a glutton doesn’t give you the right to tell me anything.” We drove in silence and I was dropped off without a goodbye and now he won’t talk to me. Am I in the wrong here, am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“Some old-school adults believe food = love. Your uncle may have felt you were dismissive of his actions of love. He’s apparently not worried about his weight, so you not eating reminds him of Ari and he worries about you. Finally, I bet he thinks you’re perfect just as you are.
You are not doing anything wrong by trying to eat healthy. I think there may just be a misunderstanding perhaps based on being from different generations. If I’m at all on track, give him a call and tell him you enjoyed spending the day with him.
You should not have called him gluttonous. That was mean. YTJ for that but you can still apologize.” Aware_Welcome_8866
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – Eating less is totally fine. Getting annoyed at someone for scrutinizing your eating, also fine. Slinging insults at someone whose kid has an ED, for checking in when seeing signs that could potentially be an ED (quick weight loss, change in appetite) makes you 100% a jerk.
“I totally understand why you might be concerned about that, but I promise you I’m just trying to be healthy by eating more healthy foods and fewer ‘treats’. Thanks for looking out for me, but I promise I’m just on a regular ol diet and there isn’t anything to be concerned about.” Was also an option you could have taken.” Neurospicy_nerd
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, but possibly it’s a result of ignorance and prejudice around the drivers of obesity. Research pretty clearly demonstrates that appetite isn’t a moral issue, there is a complex interplay of genetic, social, and environmental factors that drive impulses to eat. There’s a lot of interesting work by neuroscientists on the “brain chatter” driving a substantial portion of the world’s population to overconsume calories when those calories are easily available and packaged as hyperpalatable processed foods.
Many domesticated animals will quite easily and quickly eat themselves into obesity if their access to food isn’t restricted by humans – there are multiple strains of mice and rats used in testing that will literally gorge themselves to death. It’s not that the rodents are immoral or lazy or gluttonous, they are simply the result of their genetics intersecting with their environment.
Show compassion and understanding both to your uncle and anyone else struggling with appetite regulation, whether it’s excessive appetites or lack of appetite.” Hairy_rambutan
13. AITJ For Not Calling To Congratulate My Friend On Her Engagement?
“My long-term friend gets engaged. We’ve spoken about this moment for each of us plenty of times, dreaming about how it would go and telling everyone.
She finally gets engaged when I am in another country on vacation and posts it on social media where I find out. I congratulate her via message on the same social media platform. Didn’t call her at the time as I was in another country and on vacation.
We don’t talk about the engagement until months later when I call her to catch up and congratulate her again on the phone. She mentions that I’m the last person to call her, and she and her fiancé were wondering if I knew about their engagement.
She seems low-key upset and angry about this. I told her I only found out through a post and not personally from her and that I did congratulate her when I found out. She claims everyone found out she was engaged through social media and called her and her fiance unlike me who only said wow congratulations.
I’m seeing a new man too and she has little interest in our relationship or meeting him which is unlike our past relationships.
AITJ for not going further to congratulate her when I wasn’t personally made aware of her engagement? What do you think of how she’s approaching my new relationship?”
Another User Comments:
“If she didn’t personally tell you about her engagement, then she can’t be too upset that you didn’t go above and beyond with your congratulations. It would be different if she’s your best friend and she’s also very invested in your own relationship.
But if she’s just one of many close friends, and you’re not close enough that it took you months to feel the need to call and catch up, then she shouldn’t make it a big deal that you didn’t drop everything to congratulate her via a phone call the moment you found out.
I’d go with NTJ.” charmer143
Another User Comments:
“ESH. It would have been nice if she told you personally. But it’s hard when you get engaged and there are so many people to tell. Sometimes it’s easier to just post about it. Maybe she also didn’t want to disturb your holiday.
But she could have told you directly. However, you do suck more. She’s meant to be your good friend and you just sent a generic post response? If you’re the only person who didn’t ring her, doesn’t that tell you something about what the normal reaction is?
To ignore it for months and not congratulate her when she’s the one who is caught up in a whirlwind is kind of poor form. If you think she’s shown little interest in your relationship, that’s fine. But that’s a separate thing. Why are you bringing it up now?
It just feels a bit petty. If you’re upset about that, deal with that separately.” ForTheLoveOfGiraffe
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It sounds like your friend is definitely a main character (in her world), but it sounds like she’s really more of a not-that-close friend/acquaintance, which makes your timing on everything just fine.
Obviously, if she were your bestie I’m sure you would have called the instant you were able to get to a phone. For someone you aren’t that close to…eh, not so much. She’s under the impression that she holds a different position in your life than she actually does.” LawyerDad1981
12. AITJ For Insisting On Fully Making The Bed Late At Night?
“On Sundays, as part of my routine for resetting for the week, I spend the day cleaning through my house.
This routine includes cleaning the bed sheets and covers. It was late when I asked my husband to help me with making the bed and when we got to the decorative pillows he told me to leave them on the floor because we would be going to bed in two hours and he’d be the one to take them back off the bed again.
I told him I don’t care about the timeline or the task, I like the room to be set on Sunday night.
We understand this is a non-issue, but besides that, who’s the jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“Oh, tough one. I also like to make the bed completely on the day I change the sheets, but I agree with your husband that at some point, it’s just silly to build it up just to tear it down again almost immediately after.
Judgment: No jerks here, and the rule going forward is: if you make the bed before it’s dark outside, it gets the full treatment; if you make the bed after it’s dark, then just make it to the point you take it down to sleep in.” SamSpayedPI
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, generally. Primarily because if he is right that he would be the one taking them off again, then it is creating more work for him at a point where he just wants to climb into bed. Potential compromises: You put them on for 5 minutes, long enough to have seen the room “set” and then take them off yourself to “prepare the room” for bedtime.
Or you adjust your bedroom setup so that the decorative pillows go on chairs instead of the bed? Reduce the number of decorative pillows overall or when making the bed later in the day? This opinion is brought to you by a woman who had a full-on stupid argument with her husband about which utensils could be in which dividers in the silverware tray/drawer.” animaniactoo
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. I get both sides. And would probably lean towards yours personally. But he doesn’t get why it’s so satisfying for you to have the bed made up completely. (I totally get that). If I were you I’d say, “I know it seems silly.
And you’re right that they’re just coming back off in a few hours. But it really makes me happy to see our bed all made up completely. It’s super satisfying and it brings me joy. So I’m going to take the time to do it.” I’m sure he has things that he does for no logical reason other than…he likes it that way.
And I’m also sure he likes seeing you happy. As long as you’re not harping on him to do extra (which it doesn’t sound like you are), you’re fine.” SingleAlfredoFemale
11. AITJ For Not Letting My Grandmother Bring Her Destructive Dogs To My Small Home?
“I (31f) stayed with my grandmother (76f) during hurricane Milton, as my home was where the hurricane hit. I do not make a lot of money, and I live in a mother-in-law’s home I rent from her, meaning it’s a very small space behind a house with only two doors inside: to the bathroom and the closet.
There are no other doors in the entire place, everything is open and easily accessible. This is important.
My grandmother is obsessed with her two large dogs. They’re boxers, fully grown, very smart, hyper, and destructive. I own a LOT of expensive equipment for work, at least $6k worth, as well as emotional attachments sent by my long-distance partner that can never be replaced if lost or destroyed.
She lives a little under 2 hours away, and each time she comes down, she wants to stay the night because she’s getting to that age where long drives aren’t feasible. I don’t really like people coming into my space but will allow her to stay because she’s done so much for me as long as she gets a dog sitter and the dogs stay back at her house.
She has one and uses them often to go on mini-trips.
She says these dogs are like her children, and I’m a jerk for forcing her to ‘choose’ because they make her feel safe and relaxed. Her argument is that 80% of the time when she comes down here, it’s for me – being evacuations, family vacations, etc, since I don’t drive due to PTSD.
I’ve tried to offer to pay for the sitter, but she ignored the offer.
The thing is, I cannot deal with the labor of keeping these hyper dogs from destroying EVERYTHING. I cannot fit all my valuables into my closet, nor should I have to because I still need to work and it’s my space I pay for.
I don’t want to have to dog-proof my house just for a night and have to climb over makeshift barricades of chairs, dressers, etc. She thinks it’d force me to clean my space better (she has OCD), and doesn’t see reorganizing my entire small home to be dog-friendly as a problem since it’s so small.
It has been almost a month now and she is still upset at me over not letting her stay, and mentioning that she wanted to stay at the end of this month since we’re going on vacation together, but she refuses to leave her dogs at home.
I know she does a lot for me, but the last time they stayed things got really tense and ended in a nasty fight, which started the rule.
I am neutral to dogs, I’d even say I like some of them, but her dogs make me neurotic.
The entire time they’re around, especially in spaces that I’m in, they just start licking me, chewing on my stuff, and trying to mow over me or her to get into areas that I’ve had to make shift barricades for since NO DOORS. I’d rather cancel the whole vacation than let her stay with her dogs for that one night because just the 4 hours caused so much havoc, overnight will probably end our relationship since I’d be on their tail the entire time.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Everything is always about you, you, you. Your grandmother rents you a house (likely below market rate), she does all the driving to see you, she shelters you when you need it… and you can’t figure out a way to put your valuables in the closet the few times she visits?
Come on. If you were independent, paid for yourself, drove half the time, and did some caring for her it would absolutely be reasonable to draw a line at the dog hosting. But this isn’t the case and your grandmother does a lot more for you than you do for her.
Can’t you find a way to do this one thing for her? You mention you offered to pay for a pet sitter. Why not instead use that money to buy a storage container to put the valuables in so your grandmother can visit?” milee30
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As an animal lover and the owner of 3 rabbits, I can honestly say it’s challenging when you have pets. I travel with mine. I have their pens etc. I can’t have dogs in my home because of the bunnies. And some of my friends’ dogs I wouldn’t allow in my home because they are not trained and my furniture is not cheap.
Your grandmother is being unreasonable regarding a pet sitter. Maybe there is a sitter where her dogs can stay close to you so she can be with them on the drive. Good luck. It’s hard but she needs to compromise.” Wabbit-127
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – and to all the people who think the OP is the jerk in this situation, I suggest you take in two untrained, unruly boxers for a night. I’ve dealt with them and, if even modestly untrained, they will absolutely destroy your house. These aren’t cute little, 10-pound poodles, Boxers are an offshoot of the Mastiff, and they weigh around 70 lbs.
If they jump on people (like these two do), they’re a nightmare because they can jump up to FIVE FEET HIGH. These aren’t sweet, quiet little dogs. They are a relatively hyper breed that gets very easily bored (especially when poorly trained)… so they’re hyperactive wrecking balls once they get going.
But, if you feel this horribly for poor old grandma, why don’t you just volunteer to give the OP your address, and let these two live grenades come and stay the night with you, so they can completely dismantle your home instead.” The1Bonesaw
10. AITJ For Refusing To Care For My Grandma To Focus On My Studies?
“I (22F) currently live with my parents (late 50s) at their house while finishing my last year of uni (aerospace eng, yey!). I’ve been saving up and plan on moving hopefully by the end of next year, but the living situation has grown to be unmanageable for me.
About two months ago my grandma went through surgery, and originally, the plan was for her to stay with us alternating her other son’s house, until she recovered. That has clearly not been the case though, her physical health is good but she’s suffered a great decline in her dementia after the surgery.
Seeing how she’s not fit to live alone my father has unilaterally decided that she’s now permanently living with us.
Now, if there was no other option I would suck it up, but she literally has a brother and another son that have both refused to care for her (alternating weeks equally) seeing how willing my father is.
We can also afford to put her in a nursing home, where she would 100% be better-taken care of, but my father doesn’t want to. Why? Because my mom is a SAHM so all the burden falls on her and me.
I see the mental strain this has put on my mother, whenever she isn’t taking care of her own mum (who can’t afford a nursing home) she’s at her own house taking care of my father’s.
He works odd hours so he barely ever does anything, and when he’s here he gets away. Today I went to the gym after waking up and he decided to tag along so the whole “washing clothes and bed sheets drained in urine and also showering my grandma” was my mother’s task.
I’ve decided I’m not taking care of my grandma because I want to focus on my studies, and there are more options available than delegating the care to the women of the family. My father is not happy and is trying to shame me into complying, that’s not going to happen.
My mum on the other hand is also suffering this, because she can always do more on his eyes to make up for what I don’t do. I want to tell her to stand up for herself, but I fear my father will just tell us both to leave the house, and she hasn’t worked in about 20 years, so I know it will not be easy at all.
Am I being the jerk for standing my ground and refusing to care for my grandma at the expense of my studies, worsening my parents’ marriage in the process?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but you need to help your mom out, because she doesn’t seem to have your fortitude.
I advise trying to “play dumb” at first. Assume he’d be doing those things because OF COURSE he’d be taking care of his mother. Example: He decides to tag along to the gym with you. “OK great! I’d love the company! I’ll wait, so you can take care of your mom’s laundry/etc first. Let me know when you’re ready.” “Hey Dad, Mom and I are going out to grab some lunch/groceries/etc. Don’t forget your mom needs XYZ at 3:00/today/before bed/etc.” “Hey Dad, your mom needs XYZ.
I’ll do ABC (unrelated chore – ideally one that’s already your job) so that you can do XYZ for her.” (Always phrase it as “your mom” to reinforce who she is to him). Be specific about what chores need doing. Bonus points if you can work in, “I know Mom is exhausted from taking care of her mom today.
Hey, how is your mom doing with XYZ?” But you gotta say it with a smile like obviously, your awesome dad would do this for his own mom. Of course, if that fails, you’ll have to be direct. But this might give him a face-saving out.
And hopefully realize how much work it is. Good luck.” SingleAlfredoFemale
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s an easy decision for your father to make when none of the consequences fall on him. I suggest being upfront with your parents. Try to have a discussion when there’s a calm moment.
Tell him your priority is your education. Tell him it’s not a sustainable situation for only your mother to be providing elder care to two parents. He can step up and help, he can hire help, and he can admit her to an appropriate facility.
Grandmother’s extended family can visit her there and contribute to the finances. Your mother has more power than she realizes because she is doing all the caretaking. Perhaps if she hears you calmly advocating for better management she will start advocating for herself. So stay firm in your decision to not take on a burdensome amount of care for your grandmother.
Prioritize your education. If you don’t cooperate with your father’s plan hopefully your mother will learn by example and put her foot down.” Firm-Molasses-4913
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I come from a country where nursing homes are a last resort and usually are not trustable.
When I say last resort I mean it. I don’t know anyone who has had a grandparent or parent in a nursing home. Taking care of an adult who cannot take care of him or herself is a lot of work and I know because I have experience.
Your dad requiring you, a grandchild to take care of a grandparent is unreasonable even from the perspective of someone that lives in a country where people take care of their elders. It is also unreasonable for your dad to require your mom to take care of his mom while she is taking care of her own mom.
2 adults is crazy and the fact that he does very little to help because of his job is also unfair to you and your mom. If he does not want a nursing home why does he not hire helpers to take care of your grandmother or helpers.
That is a good compromise. Especially since he insisted on taking care of your grandmother. By the way, the country is South Africa.” Practical-Mindset
9. AITJ For Wanting To Attend My Sister's Wedding Without My Wife?
“My sister’s wedding is coming up, and I want to go, but my wife doesn’t. She doesn’t have a great relationship with my family, and while everyone is polite and cordial when they meet, a lot of issues have happened in the past. My wife really doesn’t want to deal with any more issues that might come up at the wedding.
We have three kids and live in a different country.
I’ve asked my wife if it’s okay for me to go for five days – pre-wedding plus the actual wedding, as I am the eldest and this is the last wedding in my family. My dad also passed a couple of years back, so I kind of have the mantle passed on as the lead of the family.
She was not okay with this and said that she can maybe look after the kids for a couple of days but not more than that.
We cannot get any support here as we don’t have family and apart from school, the kids would be at home with the wife.
The five days have now come down to four – I can go for the two days of the actual wedding and then come back, but me being there for the four days would mean a lot to my mum. I asked my wife again, and she doesn’t want to talk about it as she gets stressed when I bring my family up.
I am feeling quite indecisive and frustrated as I cannot make a decision without hurting people in my life.”
Another User Comments:
“Without any context of why your wife and family don’t get along: Go to the wedding. Take your children with you. Watch them yourself.
You shouldn’t even need the family to help you, especially if you think your wife can do it by herself, am I right? Your wife has given her reason and established a boundary. I have a suspicion your family was not kind to her/critical etc. and you supported them/were indifferent.
Now, you want to interact with the family that wronged her and you want her to watch the children and put it all on her while you do what you want with no regard to her point of view. You want her to be understanding for you, yet you are not being understanding of her stance?
Just an observation. If you are going to ask for advice, at least include all the information.” chubbypurpleponies
Another User Comments:
“INFO – we need the context regarding your wife and your family’s relationship. Is this a clash of personalities or boundaries? Has your wife said you’re okay to spend time with them without her in general or is she unhappy?
Is this a no-fault situation or should you be siding with your wife or your family in this feud? And are your kids also no/low contact with your family or is it just your wife? It’s hard to gauge whether this is a simple clashing of personalities and you should be there for your family, or if these are people who belittle your wife and you should be minimizing contact along with your wife?
Either way, I think you’ve got to accept that you are equally responsible for your children as your wife, and if she’s not able/happy to care for your children solo for so long, it’s simply not possible. They’re your kids too.
IF there isn’t other family drama going on, perhaps you should take the kids with you and give your wife a break? You don’t get to unilaterally decide to leave your kids to your wife, how would you feel if she did the same thing without your blessing/acceptance?
But, seriously, it’s never promising when a wife refuses to interact with her in-laws at all! Feels like there’s story missing here.” ececacademic
Another User Comments:
“Info: I’m wondering if part of the reason it’s upsetting your wife is if they had a lot of issues in the past and she feels like she’s being punished and they’re being rewarded if you go for the full time.
My SIL has behaved pretty poorly towards me (refused to acknowledge the birth of my daughter because she was mad I had a baby first even though we were really close before pregnancy) and when my husband left to go to their wedding I wasn’t thrilled about it.
I had family to help me every day though and I love my MIL and FIL and wanted my husband there for them so I was overall okay but if I disliked all of them then I might have some irrational emotions about it. I’d have an open conversation about it.” No_Inflation_5480
8. AITJ For Letting My Stepdaughter Call Me Mum?
“I (30F) married my husband Kieran (32M) five years ago. We were together for three years prior to getting married and he had a daughter Rosie (currently 12F) from a previous relationship.
I’ve known her since she was 5. Kieran has always had the majority of custody over her as her mother has dealt with numerous addictions throughout her life and as such, she comes to see her daughter maybe once every six months. She’s honestly a nice woman but she’s just faced a lot of issues in her life – and much of the decision to let Kieran have custody was her own.
Three years ago, Kie and I had our first child (currently 3M). It was a little while after this that Rosie came to talk to me and asked me if it would make me uncomfortable if she called me mum. I know that I’m not the woman who birthed her and that biologically, I’m not her mum, but I was okay with it if that was what she wanted to call me – because the love that I feel for her is very much motherly.
I’d never talked to her about it before this point and she always called me by my name, I wanted to give her the space to talk to me about it if she ever wanted to or if she didn’t. My main concern was always what she was comfortable with.
I talked to Kie about it later and he said the same thing, that he didn’t really care as long as both Rosie and I were okay with it.
Last night was one of the nights that Rosie’s mum had pre-organized to see her as it’s her birthday soon, so Rosie went off with her mum for dinner and it was all good.
When they got back later, Riley asked if she could talk to me and I said yes (figuring it was probably about Rosie). She basically got very angry that I had told Rosie it would be okay for her to call me mum, went off saying that I’m not her mum, that I’ve got my own kid and I can back off trying to play happy family with Rosie.
I told her that I understood I hadn’t birthed her but that it was Rosie’s choice.
Riley kind of stormed out after and I understand why she’s upset, but considering that Rosie came to me on her own terms and asked I don’t see how I’m the problem.
That being said I can understand how much it would hurt her mum, but I just don’t see how it could be a bad thing for three adults to love her so much instead of two. Rosie was upset about the situation but didn’t want to talk to me about why.
AITJ? Should I have dealt with the whole situation differently?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. We have a very similar situation in our family. When a mother fails to be present as a mother needs to be, and another woman is a constant in that woman’s child’s life and treats her as a daughter, it is very normal that the child would want to refer to her as Mum, especially when there is a sibling in the home who calls the woman Mum.
This child wants to be a full part of the family she is living with, understandably. Riley is thinking only of her ego, not the well-being of her child. Instead of criticizing you for this, she should be grateful to you for stepping up and providing her child with what she was not.
Sadly, she is now creating a lot of drama for Rosie which will likely cause some serious heartache for Rosie. Rosie will not be confused as to who birthed her nor will she be confused as to who actually mothered her with consistency.
That said, she is 13 and that is a difficult age at best. I get that her mother’s outrage will affect her.
When you do talk to her, let her know that what she calls you does not define how you love and care for her and that you will support her completely if she prefers to address you by your first name again. Continue to be the supportive, loving mother you have been to her.
A loving mother does not want her child torn apart as this woman is trying to do to suit her ego. In the end, this is about Rosie and what will make it easier for her going forward. Thank you for stepping up for this young girl.” Realistic_Head4279
Another User Comments:
“The best thing you can do with kids (especially in blended families) is listen to them and let them have the kind of relationship with you that they want. Riley is going about this poorly…she doesn’t seem to realize that her issue isn’t that Rosie is calling you mum, her issue is that Rosie wants to call you mum.
If you had refused it outright, or you went back to Rosie and told her to stop now, neither of those things would do the tiniest thing to repair the relationship between her and Rosie (or if their relationship is fine, calling you mum too isn’t hurting anything anyway) NTJ.
That being said, it might be worth going back to Rosie and double-checking with her why she wants to call you mum. If it’s because she already thinks of you as her mum (or her second mum) and it just feels right, that’s fine. If she’s doing it because she’s worried that you and her father might decide that your new baby is “enough” and not want Rosie anymore (and therefore, calling you mum is a way for her to try to protect her place in the family), then she probably needs some more support for her anxieties.” DinaFelice
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If anything it shows you deeply care about Rosie. Riley is mad because her poor choices have led to this. It is definitely not your “fault,” I think it shows that Rosie loves you and knows you love her. I am making some big assumptions in my mind, but think Rosie has some hurt feelings regarding her mother.
And the only thing I can read between your lines is she wants to be in your family unit. Maybe her dad can sit her down and talk to her about her feelings regarding her mother. Did she rub it in Riley’s face that she views you as her mother?
Regardless, this sounds like a beautiful thing that she loves you and thinks of you as her mom.” jazzyma71
7. AITJ For Not Wanting To Spend Christmas With My Family After Feeling Unwanted For Years?
“I (18F) live alone with my 6-month-old son.
Christmas is always planned early within my family as there is a lot to plan for with a big family, so despite it only being November, we have already begun making plans.
For context, when I was 16 I was living with my friend and was told I could not come to my mother’s for Christmas as there was not enough space and travel would be hard (although I’m a 10-minute drive away), I was understanding and spent the holiday with my friend and his mother.
The next year, I was finally living in my own house and despite being pregnant with my son, I was greeted with the same excuse, so yet again I spent Christmas with my friend and his mother.
This year, my mum wants me and my son to spend Christmas with her and the rest of the family as it’s his first holiday and she wants to spend the day with him.
Normally I’d agree but this year I firmly told her I would rather spend Christmas just myself and my baby. She got upset with me and said he should spend his first Christmas with his family. But I can’t help but not want to, the last two years I’ve felt completely disregarded and unwanted by my family around the holiday and was never invited to spend the day with them, but now that I have a son transport/space suddenly isn’t an issue.
It just makes me feel like they only want me around to see my son/if it benefits them. Despite her pleading, my answer has yet to change and my family is telling me I’m a jerk for being petty and isolating my son on the holiday.
I just don’t want to go after the way I was forced to feel for two years. He’s a baby and although I’ll make the day special, he won’t remember it so I really don’t see how it’s going to harm him.
My mother and I were never close but she’s been all over me since the birth of my son, constantly wanting to see him and ignoring me, invalidating me, and not even checking up on me when she knows I’m struggling with postnatal depression, I can’t help but feel like I’m only loved because I had a baby and I just don’t want to spend the entire day questioning if I’m there because I’m wanted or if it’s just because I’m a mother now.
So, am I the jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m sorry you’re going through this but your feelings are completely valid. Stick to your decision and I’d be taking a step back from your mum and make it clear she has to start accepting your rules and boundaries for your son.
That you are his parent and she will not get a relationship with him if she keeps trying to override you and ignore your wants and needs. Tell her she made it clear that she didn’t especially on past Christmas and that I’d just take up space and effort she couldn’t be bothered with.
That you don’t get to suddenly demand being in my life now you see my son as your shiny new toy. You’ve shown you don’t give a crap about me and no longer get to make demands or think you have any rights with my son.
You don’t. Please limit your son’s contact with her and if you do let her near ensure it’s always only supervised visits where you can monitor and insist she follows your rules. Any time she doesn’t just pack up and leave instantly no argument.
You disrespect me and break my rules the visit ends and you don’t get to see him for a while.” Sweet-Interview5620
Another User Comments:
“No room at the inn, anyone? I think you’re very wise to begin to build yourself a family of choice that treats you as a desired companion and not someone who takes up too much space.
At the age of 16. At Christmas. Both you and your baby deserve better. In terms of the PPD, please please let your doctor know what you’re going through and get yourself referred to a therapist who specializes. You shouldn’t have to deal with this on your own.
The therapist will also be able to help you work through the issues with your family and your very understandable feelings. Meanwhile, know that the way your family treats you is no reflection of how lovable you are, or how worthy you are, or whether you’re a desirable person.
You’re all of those things. I don’t know the backstory of you not living at home at 16 and not being welcomed home for the holidays, but that was very wrong. You deserve better. And spending Christmas with people who have been there for you throughout is better.
Keep sticking up for yourself! NTJ.” Nester1953
Another User Comments:
“Good for you for standing firm, NTJ. I am sorry you have been treated so unkindly over the past years, especially when you could have really used the support of your loved ones. If your mom truly cherished the concept of family she would have made sure to include you in every celebration.
Heck, for me there wouldn’t be a holiday without my daughter. Whatever happened to having “no room”, they couldn’t accommodate one more but suddenly there’s room for two?! No thank you. Even if you did join them, they wouldn’t be respectful or considerate of you and your needs as a parent and most likely prove to be exhausting and intrusive.
Your feelings matter, having you be stress-free and joyful is much more important to the well-being of your son than “family” comprised of people who so easily judge and exclude you. Instead of manipulating and shaming you into joining them, they could have extended some words and actions of kindness and contrition with regard to the past. If they are not capable of that, there is no need for them to be around a baby.
Your mom and the rest of the family don’t sound like nice people tbh, if anyone is a jerk in this scenario it’s everyone who couldn’t make an effort to be there for you when you needed it most. Besides, your son will be spending Christmas with his family which is YOU and that’s the whole world to him (and plenty enough).
There will be plenty of opportunities for your son to get to know his extended family in the future, if and when they prove themselves to actually be loving and caring.” berried_aprons
6. AITJ For Wanting To Move Away From My Troubled Family For My Mental Health?
“I (18M) currently live with my mom and one of my brothers, “James,” who struggles with serious mental health issues and substance abuse.
Living with James has been incredibly difficult for the past four years—there have been constant conflicts and outbursts that have deeply affected both me and my mom. Things got so bad that we even had to move to another country for a while just to escape the situation, but that didn’t work out, and we returned to Canada.
James has a history of creating chaos in the family. My oldest brother, “Frank,” who previously had to recover at home after surgery, ended up moving out and going no-contact with my mom because of disagreements related to James. Since then, I’ve been stuck at home dealing with the same problems: explosive arguments, threats, and emotional manipulation.
My mom feels guilty and doesn’t want to take drastic action against James, which has left me feeling trapped and exhausted.
After many failed attempts to convince my mom to set boundaries, I decided to focus on my own future. I found an opportunity to move to the U.S.
where I have a job and a place to stay with a friend. This would be a fresh start for me, far away from the painful dynamics and judgments tied to my brother’s behavior. When I told my mom about my decision, she was upset and accused me of abandoning her, much like Frank did.
While I understand her feelings, I can’t help but feel like I need to prioritize my mental health and move forward with my life.
I feel guilty for making my mom sad, but after everything I’ve experienced, I think I’m justified in wanting to leave.
AITJ for wanting to start over and leave my family behind?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your actual job as a young adult is to build a life for yourself apart from your parents and siblings. Your decision to move to the US is in no way “abandoning” your mother.
She should honestly be pleased that you’re growing into a successful person who is able to move away and live on their own. She is being manipulative because she planned for you to stay and help her, but that plan doesn’t benefit you at all, either in terms of finances or in terms of your own growth as a person.” matthewsmugmanager
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mother can’t just sit like a bump on a log and let James turn the house into a difficult place to live in, then only move from her log in order to try to pull you back into that difficult place with her.
Your mother can deal with James so you might want to stay at home, or she needs to accept (like it or not) that the environment she allows to exist is not one you want to live in. Besides, you have to leave the nest at some point.
If you have found a good opportunity then this is most likely the right choice for you anyway.” kurokomainu
Another User Comments:
“I would just let your mom know in a kind way that she is living her life based on her choices and you need to live your life not based on her choices but your own.
I have one brother who was a constant stress to the family, still is even though he is 50 now. I moved all the way across the US and now I don’t have to live with unnecessary drama. I had to block my brother on social media and his phone number.
He will never change. I get along great with my sister and my other brother and my mom. Our relationship is healthier now. You do not have to feel guilty for living your life. He is not your son nor your responsibility.” tmefoster
5. AITJ For Telling My Fiancé's Mother To Leave Our House After Her Constant Insults?
“I (F22) live with my significant other (M23). At the start his mum was amazing to me, then one day she started accusing me of abuse and telling everyone I’m a floozy and abuse her son.
We confronted her and she told me I need to get lost and I need to find someone else’s life to ruin. My significant other immediately moved out of her house and moved in with me and my mum (over 3 years ago now). We pushed past it, I even went away with his family for a week and had an amazing time.
The other day we went to see his mum, this day I was wearing a tank top and a pair of shorts. This too sat high on my chest, around armpit level, where my shorts were just elastic waist sport shorts that sat just below my butt.
She proceeded to say I always have my butt and chest out and dress like a floozy it was around 35C (95F) which is considered pretty hot in Australia.
Today she rang him and he didn’t answer due to him being at work so she kept ringing.
When he answered she told him she couldn’t breathe and needed an ambulance. So he immediately left work, came home to get me (I’m closer to work so he picked me up on the way) and we went to her. She said “I was joking but you need to answer when I call” and started laughing, I told her she was psycho and we left.
A few hours later she came to our house unannounced just showed up and walked in without knocking, told me again what I was wearing was disgusting and that I should dress up more (a baggy shirt and the same shorts). I told her I was only at home.
She then told me to dress up and wear makeup or my fiancé would leave me. I went to the kitchen to make dinner. When I walked back in she was telling my fiancé about these girls she met who would be perfect for him.
Before my fiancé said anything she told him “it’s good to keep your options open” and how I’m not good enough, especially because I put no effort into myself. I then lost it and told her she’s absolutely insane and needs to get out of my house and never come over again without asking.
She told me I was a mean person and left. My partner says I shouldn’t have been so hard on her and I’m the jerk? There are so many little comments she’s made in the past that I ignored. But this time was too much.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and it’s gaslighting to even insinuate that you are. Genuine question: Why are you tolerating this much abuse from your future mother-in-law? Because I have really bad news for you; it’s only gonna get worse. If anyone spoke to me like that in my own home and insulted me in such a fashion they would regret it in the short and long term.
And if your fiancé won’t back you up in your own home, then I would counsel you very seriously not to marry this man. You’re getting a preview of what it would be like to have these people around as family in a very legal and binding sense.
Don’t do it. There’s a veritable forest of red flags here. It’s kind of obvious your fiancé has chosen his mother as opposed to you. I would again counsel you to go find a man who is not already committed. Also, when you find Mr. Maybe Right?
Go meet his family. Now you know what to look for and avoid. NTJ.” Remote-Physics6980
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She’s treating you in a completely unacceptable manner. You were not out of line, you don’t have to take that abuse from her. Now, I’m 100% projecting here, but these kinds of situations can get very, very ugly.
Your partner should absolutely not tolerate that his mother is talking to you that way. He should have your back, and put an end to it immediately. My father’s mother was similarly abusive towards my mother, and eventually my father started taking the constant negative stuff his mother was pouring into his ear, out on my mother, in the form of physical mistreatment.
These kinds of mothers who can’t let go of their grown, adult children, are sick in the head, and it can take a huge toll on your relationship and even put you in danger in the worst-case scenario. She has already shown she isn’t beyond faking a medical emergency for attention, so obviously she’s willing to push beyond what is acceptable.
Please be careful and take care of yourself.” Unlucky-Gift-9360
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Lock your darn door. Call the police and have her trespassed if she comes over again. Stop referring to this woman as your MIL. You’re not married to her son. She is simply his mom.
Tell your partner to go to her home to visit from now on. She is not allowed at your home again. He can go back to living with her if he needs to. Do not marry into this crazy family. Why put yourself through the verbal abuse of someone you truly don’t like anymore?
Heavy drinkers do and say bad stuff while inebriated. The best thing you can do for your own mental health is to stay away from her.” Necessary_Device_227
4. AITJ For Asking My Party-Loving Sister To Move Out Due To Her Disruptive Lifestyle?
“I (20F) have been living with my sister, let’s call her “Hannah” (18F) for the past few months while she figures out her next steps after moving out of our parents’ house. Hannah’s always been a bit of a party girl, but since she started staying with me, it’s like every other night she’s out at some club or rave.
I don’t mind that she likes to go out, but it’s becoming a real problem.
She’ll come home super late, sometimes not even until the next morning, and she’s loud, bringing random friends over, and waking me up constantly. I’ve talked to her a few times, asking her to at least be more considerate, but nothing has changed. Plus, she’s not really helping out with rent or chores as much as she promised, so I feel like I’m just dealing with the mess.
AND the only reason she’s become basically addicted to going out, is because she’s finally 18?? When I turned 18, the partying was moderate and at a mature level, but Hannah’s is just crazy. Not to mention, she blows pretty much all of her money on these events.
Last week, after yet another night of her stumbling in at dawn, I told her she needs to find somewhere else to stay if she can’t chill on the party scene. She got really upset, saying I’m overreacting and trying to control her life, but I’m just over it.
Our parents think I should have been more understanding since she’s going through a “phase,” but I feel like I have a right to some peace in my own place.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. While she is young and having her first taste of freedom, she’s not living up to her side of the living arrangement or being a considerate housemate.
She can move back in with your parents, or with her clubbing friends. It’s not up to you to subsidize her lifestyle because she is spending all her rent money and not contributing to housework.” Pure-Philosopher-175
Another User Comments:
“She needs to learn how to be an adult first before she can start doing the party scene!
For most people that doesn’t start until they move out of their parents’ house, and usually, people are working on paying their own bills and moving into their own place! As the oldest child, I didn’t have any siblings to move in with! I had myself!
If your parents want her to go through this phase then she needs to move back in with your parents! You’re not controlling her life, but she is disrupting yours!” AdaliGreen
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If you want, before kicking her out, you can try setting some firm ground rules.
No guests after partying. That’s just a flat no. Rent is this amount due on this day. You must be quiet and not wake me up. If you can’t do that, you must leave. You don’t have to do this, but it could work or at least give her a clue.
Your parents don’t want her back. That’s why they are pressuring you. Basically, Hannah needs to meet some friction. Partying with no accountability doesn’t work.” sleddingdeer
3. AITJ For Smiling When My Mother-In-Law Scolded My Husband For His Comment About My Postpartum Body?
“I gave birth to our first child 3 weeks ago and my body hasn’t snapped back yet. I definitely feel insecure about it, to the point where I won’t even change in front of my husband anymore.
Yesterday I was laying down on him and my top rode up so you could see my belly slightly.
He stroked it and then poked it and made a comment about how my belly was like dough. I know my reaction was irrational but I burst into tears. My in-laws were there and my mother-in-law was furious with my husband and she started scolding him for not being careful with his words.
My husband tried to defend himself but my mother-in-law kept telling him off. I started smiling and my husband got upset with me for being happy he was getting into trouble.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – First of all, your reaction was not irrational at all.
What your husband said was mean under any circumstances but particularly given that you just gave birth. Second of all, you were not smiling because he was getting in trouble, you were smiling because someone was being kind to you and standing up for you.
The fact that your husband’s takeaway from this situation is being upset that “he got in trouble” rather than being apologetic for his comment suggests that he is immature and not a very good partner. I am glad that your MIL had your back!” Forward_Squirrel8879
Another User Comments:
“Stupid man here, I don’t see why everyone thinks this guy was 100% being malicious and not just making an observation in a stupid way. I think he messed up and absolutely needs to apologize, but I don’t think he absolutely meant it in an insulting way.
This guy hasn’t seen his wife’s body in weeks (maybe he knows it’s because she’s insecure about her body, but maybe he’s a man and hasn’t thought much about why she hasn’t been changing around him), and upon finally accidentally touching her skin (which now feels way different), he reacted and made a comparison to a material he knew.
OP says he said he meant it “as a compliment” which could be true. It’s a terrible compliment, but never assume malice as the motivation when it could easily be stupidity. Could that have all been malicious? Sure. Was it absolutely, without a doubt, 100% malicious?
We don’t know. Does he need to apologize profusely? Absolutely. NTJ. Husband was a jerk, but I don’t think he necessarily wanted to hurt OP, he could have just made a stupid mistake.” Explosion2
Another User Comments:
“Maybe I’m somehow out of the loop here, but I am an overweight woman who had multiple kids, and being told your soft stomach is like dough is more of an observation than an insult.
What’s wrong with dough? He was commenting oh look how soft you are now. There’s nothing wrong with a little squish. If he had been grossed out or made a comment about “why haven’t you lost that weight yet?” I think it was an innocent observation that touched on your own insecurity.
You probably should have just talked to him about it but instead, you let his mom yell at him for you? That’s weird to me.” theFakeRoxas
2. AITJ For Insisting My Family Stop Using My Childhood Nickname?
“When I (34F) was a child, my parents started using a nickname variant for me (Lyssy vs Alyssa). I have been expressing open distaste for this since I was 15, but I let my family continue using it for a while (because they’re family) until about five years ago when I started actively & consistently correcting them.
I deeply despise this nickname as it feels patronizing as an adult and they all know that.
Cut to last night. I went over to my parents’ (62M, F) house to have dinner with them and my brother, Toby (32M), for my birthday. Yesterday was a tough mental health day for me and I said as much when I got there.
We started discussing plans for Christmas as my parents will be traveling to visit other family. As we’re finishing up dinner & discussing possible alternatives, my mother starts “Toby, you and Lyssy can…” and I interject with “Alyssa”. It’s at this point that my mother slams her hands on the table, says, “You know what?
Forget Christmas!” and storms off to her room. My father finishes clearing the table, and I very calmly say to Toby that I’ve been complaining about this for years and I’m done being polite about it, he tells me he doesn’t want to get involved.
I spend the next few hours watching TV with my dad as my mom stays in her room. She doesn’t even come out for birthday cake. When I go to leave, my dad tries to insist I go talk to her. I tell him the same thing I told my brother, and pointed out that you wouldn’t deadname a trans person or use the wrong pronouns for Toby’s NB partner, this isn’t okay either and I’m allowed to be upset.
He starts in on me about how I need to cut her some slack because I don’t understand how much pain she’s in all the time (she has autoimmune/chronic pain), or how tired she is because she’s not sleeping. I also have chronic pain & insomnia and said as much, and pointed out that if any one of her children behaved the same way, it wouldn’t be okay.
He continues to insist that I should go talk to her, implying that I’m in the wrong because my correction “sounded snotty.”
I said flat out that we’d talk eventually, but I just wanted some space to process my feelings before talking, that’s how I’ve always been.
“So she slipped. When was the last time she slipped?”
This past Sunday, I said nothing about it.
“She corrects herself with other people and corrects them!”
Yes, but she never corrects herself in front of me, and that hurts me.
He tells me to do “whatever the heck (I) want”.
Through this, Toby has re-entered the conversation. Just before I walk out, he says, “Alyssa, stop looking for reasons to hate Mom.” I’ve never felt white hot rage flare through me like that, but I held back from cursing him out and just left.
So AITJ for holding a boundary and wanting to cool off before talking to my mother about this?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, obviously. Whatever your mother is going through, blowing up on you like that on your birthday is unacceptable. This is an open-and-shut case for the reasons you have stated about deadnames and the like. You are a 34-year-old adult and everybody around you needs to stop calling you names you don’t want to be called. It’s not a big demand and your end, and it’s not a big burden on their end.
Also, why do both your parents swear at you so often? That’s weird, you know? Normal parents don’t swear at their children, even once said child is grown-up.” crazyheather345
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’ve made it clear for years that you don’t like being called by this nickname and don’t want them to call you that.
That is not a huge thing to ask but for whatever reason they refuse to respect your boundary, even on your birthday. You’ve tried asking nicely, it hasn’t worked so basically the two options are to either put your foot down as you did, or to just give up and accept being called that forever.
It’s actually surprising that your brother is so unsupportive, I would think he would have a better understanding if he has a NB partner but he may just not want to get in the middle of it. As far as all the stuff about her being in pain, that’s unfortunate but it has nothing to do with this situation so it’s not a valid excuse.
Two totally separate things.” Tdluxon
Another User Comments:
“Hey, as someone with chronic pain, insomnia, and a whole host of other misery-making disorders, and with a mother who’s refused to call me what I go by since I was a kid- you are absolutely NTJ.
You and only you can decide what name/s you are okay with being called. Someone else can’t override that just because they feel bad. And your brother was *extremely* out of line with that last comment, wow. Your correction wasn’t “snotty,” and it certainly wasn’t looking for an excuse to hate your mother (albeit I can’t speak for the rest of your relationship with her).
If your mother isn’t willing to have a calm, serious conversation about this sometime soon, I’d reconsider trying to schedule Christmas this year. It sounds like there might be a deeper issue at play here.” the-demon-next-door
1. AITJ For Telling My Daughter That She Deserved The Insult She Got?
“My daughter (17f, Emily) has been seeing this boy (17m, Zach) for around 2 -2 1/2 months now and he recently came to visit us, and this is the first time he has come over for dinner, and this is Emily’s first significant other.
Zach is a very lovely boy and very outgoing. When he came in and saw me he said “Emily, I didn’t know you have 2 sisters”. I laughed as even though it’s cliche I know he’s trying to be nice. The entire time at dinner he was very polite but he is also a very outgoing kid.
He would say stuff such as what a lovely dinner, this food is great, your backyard is beautiful, etc, etc. So while you could say he was trying to be overly polite, he was still a very sweet and kind kid. Emily is a more shy and reserved person so I felt they were really great for each other.
Emily is also very sweet and positive, another thing they have in common that I appreciate. My husband also hit it off with him and they were engaging in sports banter, and eventually came to trash-talking some football team owner.
My older daughter (Amy, 19), however, kept grilling the poor guy.
Asking if he would pay for dates, to which he said yeah, and then she asked how he had money, and he said his job. Then she started talking about making time for Emily, in between school, friends, and a job. Then it came to how they would get to dates and she started asking him about his license.
She then started to ask about protecting her making comments on his stature (he’s on the shorter side and kind of chubby, like 5’7 and maybe a little overweight, nothing crazy however) and he seemed to be getting uncomfortable so I brought out dessert, which he again complimented, and my husband brought up sports to change topics.
After he left I asked her why she would do that. She said that he seemed too nice, and cliche, as if he was faking it. I said so people can’t be nice these days? You made it weird for him and Emily, Emily didn’t deserve that neither did he.
She said that she just didn’t like that vibe as no one is that nice or positive it was definitely forced. Emily butted in and said that she really didn’t appreciate that and said that Amy’s reasoning didn’t make sense. Amy said that she didn’t care if it was awkward as she wanted to grill him, and that she doesn’t like him because he seemed fake.
Emily said that Amy was messed up and I agreed.
Amy then said that he was some dumb weak kid faking being nice, and this upset Emily, and me. Emily then said in a fuss “You only say that because you’re single and no one will go out with you”.
She has been slightly sensitive about this as she hasn’t been in a committed relationship yet. This upset Amy and Amy asked why I didn’t say anything or stop her from going to her room. I said that she just insulted her significant other and that she deserved it.
She told me I should punish her and was being a bad parent and now Amy isn’t talking to me and I feel that maybe a personal insult like that was too far.”
Another User Comments:
“Did the kid fake it a bit? Yeah of course.
He’s a kid meeting his significant other’s parents for the first time, of course he tries to be extra polite and nice, he was probably terrified and nervous and hopeful that the parents like him. That’s normal. Amy grilling him like that and being so antagonistic also definitely comes from some jealousy, because otherwise, you should know by 19 how someone acts the first time with the parents of their partner.
Amy being selfish and just telling Emily she didn’t care how she felt and then belittling her significant other by constantly calling him fake and weak and dumb… of course Emily explodes at her. And honestly, if one side is clearly not intending to de-escalate at all, not much you can do.
Especially if they’re 19. I couldn’t really call you a jerk for not immediately going “ok Emily that went too far”. No jerks here. It’s family life, stuff happens. Honestly, the whole thing just sounds like two teens having a squabble. Let them cool down and then maybe try talking it out.
The only time I’d see you could have intervened was just nipping the whole thing in the bud immediately at the dinner already or taking Amy aside when she wouldn’t stop.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You should have pulled Amy aside, long before it got this far, and told her to knock it off.
Tell her that she is NOT the parent in the home and it made everyone feel uncomfortable with how she kept on questioning him about things that were none of her business. It sounds like she had a chip on her shoulder that her sister had a significant other and that Amy might have wanted more attention.
Either way, Emily was right to be upset with what Amy put her significant other through and if anyone is owed an apology, it’s Emily and her guest. No one feels great being asked 20 questions by a sibling, of all things!” Aggressive_Cattle320
Another User Comments:
“ESH well, not the partner. I mean yeah, that kind of over-the-top manners and compliments is a bit fake, but still tells you something about him. He is nervous about meeting his partner’s family, he cares what you think about him, and he can maintain his manners for the duration of an evening, even when being grilled. And he doesn’t present such a front often enough to have developed one that is convincing.
No red flags, need to see more of him. Grilling him to the point he was uncomfortable when he was already clearly nervous. That was a jerk move. Similarly saying no one will be with her is a jerk move. And 2 wrongs don’t make a right so supporting the statement is also a jerk move.” theZombieKat
