People Kindly Ask Us "Am I The Jerk?" In These Situations
17. AITJ For Not Helping My Struggling Parents Pay Their Mortgage, Even Though I'm Well Off?
“As children, my parents would buy my two brothers whatever they requested regardless of how expensive it was, allowed them to go on trips with them & threw them over-the-top birthday parties while I didn’t receive any. For example, my brothers got to go to Disney for their birthday(s) while I stayed with my grandparents.
(Fortunately, my aunt/grandma took me to Disney a few months later) After being called out, they said they couldn’t afford the trip for 5.
As we got a little older my parents had us working in their business after school & weekends.. they gave both my brothers allowances for helping out while I didn’t receive anything (and was expected to do more).
I wish it was just financial abuse though, my parents always said very hurtful things, and they’d make comments when I entered the room & I honestly still don’t know what I did wrong.
When my brother graduated high school, they gave him an all-inclusive trip around Europe for the summer.
When I graduated the next year, I didn’t even get a party from them.
I think the worst of it is they paid for both my brothers’ higher education but told me to figure it out because they can’t afford to pay for 3 college degrees.
At 18 I moved in with my grandparents full-time & decided not to go to college because I didn’t want to get into debt or put that burden on my grandparents (who offered to pay for some).
I did however take them up on their offer to financially support me until I had a job.
My grandma gifted me about 5k after moving in with her to help me start an online business I told her about.
Long story short, my online shop blew up & made well over six figures in my first year. Within 5 years, 2 online shops & a lot of investing in real estate & stocks I now make way more than my parents ever made combined.
A few years ago, my parents had to shut down their restaurant and are still struggling to make ends meet. They are also unable to pay for their mortgage & are afraid they’ll go homeless if I don’t support them. They also have a lot of medical bills after my father got into an accident and needed surgery for his knee
I being so grateful for everything my grandparents and aunt have done for me decided to get my grandparents their dream home and paid off my aunt’s debts for medical school. After realizing I can also easily afford to pay off their debts/mortgage, my parents have been begging me (literal tears) to save their home but I refused. They told me I am a jerk, and I deserved my upbringing and that I shouldn’t be punishing my siblings and forcing them out of their homes for the actions of my parents.
I’m not punishing my siblings though, I’ll be more than happy to support them (especially my baby sister) if she comes & stays with me or my grandparents.
AITJ for “watching them become homeless?””
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The giant red flag here is how they told you that you, a child, deserved how you were treated. They admitted that they treated you like an unwanted hanger-on.
Somewhere in their brains, they have a nonsensical reason why that was okay. I’m guessing that you were kind of a stress toy–? Enjoying positive emotions with the golden child(ren) and dumping negative emotions on the scapegoat is a way that inadequate parents cope with life.
So don’t give them a cent. Because if you let them, they would hollow you out and leave you on the sidewalk. Because, in their minds, that’s what you’re for.
If your little sister is in trouble, help her by paying for extracurriculars, counseling, or camps.
Don’t give a cent to her parents. Take care of your real parents–your grandparents.” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, easily. The audacity of these people to think they can ask for anything from you after years of maltreatment and even child enslavement is on insane levels.
It shows you just what you need to know about these people: For the rest of your life they will see you as something to “use” in any way they see fit.
I’m not even sure why you still talk to these people, go NC.
Spend your salary on those that showed you love as you do now. Forget about your parents and even your siblings. Because where were they for you in these times? That’s right, enjoying their life being paid for by the same people who mistreated you.
I’d say, consequences of their own actions. This right here is karma. I would go as far as saying I would laugh in their face and tell them after years of maltreatment, they can buzz right off.
The only one you can spare a life of misery with these people is your youngest sibling.
They have no blame over this all, the rest can buzz right off and feel the consequences.” Boeiendnl
Another User Comments:
“Your parents were insulting, manipulative, and cruel to you your entire life. And to those saying “they gave you food and shelter,” that’s literally the bare minimum that parents are supposed to do for the children they bring into their lives.
Your parents banked on the fact that your brothers were male, and were expecting them to make lots of money and support them in their older years. That’s terrible! But what’s worse is the fact that they tried to gaslight you when you didn’t want to help them.
As the daughter of an abusive and cruel man (my mom is amazing), I need you to hear this. You do not owe these jerks any mercy. All they will do is act as though your kindness is owed to them, and they will continue being cruel to you.
My dad is sick now and trying to be in my life now because he has no one to take care of him. However, he was still horrible to me when we last spoke. I finally blocked him a few months ago and I can tell you, the amount of peace that his absence brings is immeasurable.
Please don’t allow your parents to guilt you into helping them. They can go to your brothers. NTJ.” igotalittletime
16. AITJ For Refusing To Let My Wife Eat Sweets?
“My (30M) wife (29F) has a case of type 2 diabetes that runs in her genes. Even though my wife knows that she has diabetes, she doesn’t seem to care at all that she has diabetes. She has been on a strict medication that her doctor has set her which includes some foods, and she’s not allowed to eat fried/sugary stuff as this will raise her sugar levels.
Yesterday I went to the shop and she came with me and I bought what we needed to get and she just followed along with me. As we got to the register, she said that she needed to go to the toilet and would meet me outside.
When I’m done with paying, I go outside only to see my wife opening a packet of haribos which the doctor says she’s not allowed to eat.
I quickly run over before she opens it and I grab it out of her hand and throw it in the trash.
She starts getting angry saying that I’m a witch and an overprotective jerk, and she starts crying saying how it’s not fair that she’s not allowed to eat sweets. I tell her to stop and say that I cannot let her eat that.
She grabs my keys for my car and she drives away, leaving me at the shop.
I call her over and over, and she doesn’t pick up. I’m absolutely furious at her and start walking home. As soon as I’m home, I see her eating fried food on the sofa and I grab the food out of her hand saying that you cannot eat that.
I also yell at her saying that she’s selfish leaving me at the shop like that. She doesn’t care and picks up the food and shoves it at my face and calls me a jerk and leaves the house.
I don’t know where she is and not sure if I’m the jerk.
I love her a lot and I can’t let her eat those types of foods as it’s bad for her. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“ESH. She’s handling her diabetes like a child, and I’m sure it’s very frightening and frustrating to you to watch her make choices that will do her harm and might, well, kill her if it goes too far.
All that said, it doesn’t matter what your reasons are; you absolutely CANNOT physically force another adult human being to do what you choose instead of what they choose. Not ever. Not even if their choice is going to kill them and your choice is going to keep them alive.
What you’ve been doing borders on criminal assault, if it hasn’t crossed the line already. You have to stop this, immediately and completely. You can try everything in your persuasive arsenal to convince your wife to eat in a healthy way. But you cannot force her to eat in a healthy way.
And you need to banish from your mind the concept of ‘letting’ or ‘not letting’ her do anything. It’s not your right — period.” VoyagerVII
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I understand that you have good intentions, but you are not your wife’s boss; she and only she can decide what she wants to do with her health.
There are a lot of ways for type 2 diabetics to control their sugar intake. And honestly, a good doctor will tell you you need to watch carbohydrates. There is no reason she can’t have a snack as long as she compensates her insulin for that and does the exercises for that.
But at the end of the day, this is her body, her health, and her life. So you either support her and let her be an adult and make her own decisions or divorce her. You can tell her that you love her and you want the best for her, but treating her like a child is not what you should be doing.” Aquarius052
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – Hi, type one diabetic here.
I get that you want her healthy, really. But do you have diabetes? No? Then you don’t know her illness better than she does. I’ve been a type one for almost twenty years. I know what to do.
But if I want to eat a goshdarned brownie because it’s good for my mental health, I’m gonna eat that darned brownie. She’s a grown adult; leave her and her treat alone. One bag of gummies isn’t the end of the world. Because now that you took that away, if that’s what she’s craving, that’s all that is going to be on her mind until she does get something that soothes that craving.
Low-carb/Low-sugar diets are really hard. I don’t know if you know this, but what makes food taste good? A lot of times, that’s sugar. What food is comfort food? Usually, carbs or sugar. So she might just be having a hard day and needed some comfort.
Instead, she gets you parenting her food choices. Not the support she needs.
You could talk to her, instead of telling her what to do. Have a conversation. She could have explained that she was having low b***d sugar, was having a bad day, or screw it, JUST WANTED A TREAT.
Start acting as support, not a gatekeeper.
She might have just needed that bag of gummies. If you walked up to me and took food out of my hand, even if we had been married and in love and doves fly around us, I would have smacked you across the face, taken my snack back, and would have also left you at the store.” HazardousLemonade
15. AITJ For Refusing To Let My Pregnant Friend Stay With Me?
That’s a big ask.
“I (f32) have 4 rescue pigeons that cannot be released because of health reasons (e.g. can’t fly). They’re happy birds and have a good life. I live alone in an inherited house and half of the top floor is converted into a big pigeon room where they have all their stuff.
They’re trained to potty in specific places but can roam around the house except in the kitchen. They have their sleep places in the big room and are locked there at night for their safety.
My friend (we’re not really friends anymore, we were a long time ago, now we just kind of know each other, our lives moved down in totally opposite directions) f32, Chantelle, has currently 2 kids and is 5 months pregnant with her third.
Her partner was locked up a few months back, and she’s about to be evicted because she hasn’t paid rent in 12 months.
One day, out of the blue, she knocked on my door and started chatting. She told me everything and asked if it would be possible for me to let her move in and she’d pay rent.
I refused saying that I don’t have the room for her and the kids. She told me I could get rid of my birds and they could take the room upstairs.
I said absolutely not and unfortunately, I won’t be able to help her.
She freaked out, told me I was a selfish jerk, that I could not care more about animals than humans, and a lot of other nasty things. I kicked her out.
I rarely go on social media. I have my old one from uni, but I rarely go.
Not even 24 hours after I kicked Chantelle out, my other friend messaged me to log in to see what was happening, and Chantelle was slagging me off everywhere. Postings nasty things. And her friends joined her and it was just so very nasty.
I do feel bad though and I wonder if they’re right, perhaps I am the jerk here.
Should I have let her stay with me?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You’re not a jerk. This person, who you haven’t had an active friendship with in YEARS, showed up at your home and expected you to just…let her move in.
Even if you had the room, it would be okay to say no. Having the extra space doesn’t mean someone else can come along and try to claim it.
And this isn’t just one person we’re talking about – it’s FOUR. Her, two kids, and another one on the way.
When you refused, she insulted you both in person and online; personally, that’s not the kind of person I would want living in my home.
There’s also the reality that as she is being evicted for not paying rent for a year, it is unlikely she will be able to pay you rent.
“Selfish” is a loaded accusation often aimed at women for not sacrificing for others. You are allowed to have your own home and your pets, and you are allowed to not want lodgers.
Their situation doesn’t mean that has to change.
It’s sad, yes.
But not your responsibility. She is not entitled to live in your space.” Kettlewise
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
She didn’t pay rent for 12 months and her baby daddy is in prison so she will get no income from him, she is pregnant and is about to have more costs than what she already does.
There’s not a chance she would pay you rent. If she could pay rent, she wouldn’t be getting kicked out.
Not only will she probably not pay rent, but I wouldn’t be surprised if she paid you nothing, so you’d have utilities shoot up from 4 extra people in the property (mom + 3 kids) and get nothing in return except uninvited guests taking over your house.
As others have said, if her friends who are slagging you off feel so strongly about it, let them house her, she can pay them rent.
Just block her on social media and do the same for any of her ‘friends’ who try to contact you.
Forget she even knocked and let her go back to being just a memory from the past.” carlbandit
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, for a lot of reasons.
First: It sounds like she has made a lot of bad decisions that landed her in this position.
You don’t need that type of drama in your life.
Second: It is weird for a distant friend to show up at your door, expecting to move in. That screams boundary issues. Again, you don’t need that type of drama in your life.
Third: She has proven herself to be a dramatic, crazy person by going nuts on social media, and pulling others into this situation. Did I mention that you don’t need that type of drama in your life?
Fourth: Based on your post, you sound like a tender-hearted person who is taking care of wounded animals.
Good for you.
Fifth: (This one is going to get me in trouble.) I have never met a Chantelle who is chemically balanced. I don’t know what the deal is with that name, but every Chantelle I know is loco.
So. Go in peace.
Be thankful for your good judgment. Block anyone giving you a hard time. Enjoy your life.” Reddit user
14. AITJ For Putting A Dog Over My Pregnant Wife?
“When my son (14) was eight, we got a dog. He’s half Great Dane and half some dog my friend’s dog met during an unauthorized absence. My son loves this dog and does all the care for him (except vet stuff) and is a very responsible dog owner.
This dog is pretty much his best friend.
My wife is 12 weeks pregnant, and ever since we confirmed the pregnancy she has been acting weird around the dog. She avoids him, puts her hands over her stomach when he is around, and jolts whenever he makes noise.
Today she told me she wants to re-home the dog. I asked her what she was talking about.
She said she has been having anxiety that he will jump on her. This is completely unreasonable. He doesn’t jump on people. We trained him not to jump on people or run into people very young because he is half Great Dane and I felt this was important for all dogs, but especially one who could possibly grow to such a large size (which he did).
There is no reason for her to think the dog will jump on her.
She said that there is no way to know for sure that the dog wouldn’t jump on her, and if he does, our baby could be hurt. This dog has never so much as growled at her.
She said even if the dog doesn’t jump on her, her anxiety about it is bad for her health. She said she needs the dog elsewhere for her safety and the baby’s.
I told her that there was no way. My son got this dog right after he lost his mom and imprinted on him hard.
Sometimes I think he loves the dog more than me! I’m not taking his dog. The dog didn’t do anything!
My wife said I am prioritizing the dog over her pregnancy. The dog isn’t a threat to her pregnancy. If this were any other unreasonable request, I would just do it because she is pregnant.
I just can’t break my son’s heart over a fear she has that makes no sense. Am I being a jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“Nobody’s the jerk, neither you nor your wife.
PTSD from pregnancy is a very real thing, and worth reading up on.
Add in fluctuating hormones, stress from a variety of factors, and guess what, your family has a lot going on.
I think, separating the dog from your wife, IE a different room in your residence is the initial immediate action to take. This means taking time to sit down individually with your wife and son, to explain: “Hey, to alleviate Wife’s fears, putting space between her and this fear.” Don’t try to justify one side over the other, no one is right or wrong.
Right now, imagine you’re putting a band-aid on a wound. Step two, I believe is therapy for your family, perhaps a combination of joint and individual sessions. Your wife needs therapy for her pregnancy as well as to identify, whatever is causing fear of the dog.
This isn’t for you to figure out, but for the therapist to assist her with. Secondly, individual sessions for your son, as this dog is very important to him and came into his life at an important time; not giving him an opportunity to address this with a therapist could result in resentment between him and your wife/his stepmom.
Third, joint sessions between the three of you and the therapist where you all could address family stress in general, usually guided by the therapist. Group sessions are not about assigning blame, but helping each other see each other’s perspective and perhaps add insight.
I wish you and your family the best of luck.
OP, wife, son, doggo, and bun in the oven.” GabbyDoesRedBull
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but I think you need to detach yourself from the framing that your wife is putting on this. You are not in fact choosing the dog over her pregnancy, you’re just not allowing your wife to use the pregnancy as an excuse to get rid of your son’s dog.
And that’s how you really need to discuss it with her, it’s wrong that she is trying to use her pregnancy to remove a member of the family from the house that she doesn’t want there. She got married to you with the dog in your life, the dog has been in the family longer than her.
I think you should discuss with your wife if she actually is having real anxiety over the dog, about going and getting mental health treatment. Because giving into unreasonable anxieties doesn’t make them better, it just says that you are going to give in and you can create more patterns of giving into anxieties.
Which is not only terrible for her, but for your son and the new baby. She needs to work on her anxiety for the sake of everyone in the family.” JCBashBash
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Obviously, do not rehome the dog – who is apparently your son’s emotional support animal at this point.
I don’t mean that as a joke – his bond with this dog almost certainly helped him grieve and survive the loss of his mother. Removing this dog is clearly NOT an option.
Which brings me to: I don’t think this is ABOUT THE DOG.
Your wife is going through some things with her pregnancy, apparently, and she’s focused on the dog as the target to lash out on. If the dog wasn’t there she’d create some other crisis for you to deal with.
There are legit, well-recognized mental health challenges that can arise during pregnancy due to hormonal changes and who knows how many other variables.
Please ask your wife to seek mental health assessment, especially before this gets any worse. Her request is out of character for her since she was fine with the dog before her pregnancy. GET HER TO SEEK HELP, please.
Best of luck. Keep your son’s dog.
It’s not that you are prioritizing the dog over her pregnancy; you are prioritizing the well-being of your entire family and household over her arbitrary and heartbreakingly damaging demands. As you should.
Also: good job, OP. You are being a solidly great dad.” funchefchick
13. AITJ For Attending A Party With My Pregnant Wife That My Infertile Ex Was Also At?
“I (35m) used to be married to my high school sweetheart “Kelly” (35f).
We got married after undergrad and overall I would say that we were really happy. The biggest conflict that I would say we had was the topic of children. Not the idea of actually having them but when. I’ve always wanted to be a dad and wanted to have my kids while I was still young enough to run around with them while they were kids and have a good adult relationship with them once they got older.
Kelly brought up a lot of good points about needing to get married, living fully on our own, and being out of debt first. For about five years I worked a job I had no passion for solely because of the large paycheck and I was able to nearly wipe out our debt completely (we didn’t have a lot to begin with in the first place).
Then Kelly said she wanted a house, so we got one, then a few months in she talked about wanting to go to grad school.
Even though we often fought about children, in the end, I always supported her choices because I didn’t want her to resent me.
I would often ask her if she had ever changed her mind about wanting kids but she assured me that she still did, just not now. I asked when would she be and it always felt like she kept moving the goalpost whenever she’d list her requirements, and that I was painted as a jerk for “pressuring” her for kids.
Unfortunately, after weeks of not feeling well, Kelly was diagnosed with an illness. It was rough but I stood by her and she pulled through but the cost was her fertility.
I felt like a jerk again because part of me resented Kelly for not agreeing to have kids sooner and that resentment grew when Kelly refused to look into using a surrogate, insisting that either we were both the bio parents or neither of us were.
In the end I couldn’t take it and just divorced her.
A lot of people called me selfish, sexist, misogynistic, etc. but I just wasn’t sure if this was something that I would be able to truly let go of. I let Kelly keep the house and moved out of town.
Eventually, I met and fell in love with Angela (32f) and after shortly moving in together she got pregnant so we got married. She’s entering her third trimester with our baby girl and I’m so excited.
A friend back in college moved back to the States and wanted to have a small party to see everyone.
He invited Kelly and me, so I checked in with him privately and asked if it would be okay to bring my wife and he said that it was cool so I did. This was the first time I saw Kelly in person in years and she looked well enough.
I was polite but kept my distance and thought everything was good until the next day when I got a barrage of texts and DMs blasting me for having the audacity to parade my heavily pregnant new (younger) wife in front of my infertile ex-wife.
I had no malicious intentions and it has been a few years plus I asked beforehand just to double check so AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Let’s flip this on its head. In my opinion, it would be hugely inappropriate for you to leave your pregnant wife at home to attend a party so you can hang out with your old friends and ex-wife just to make her more comfortable.
If this were the post, we’d all tell you how wrong you are to do something so selfish and unkind to your poor wife, and that your ex-wife needs to embrace reality. We would say your ex either needs to not attend, or act with maturity.
In this case, you were not being callous or unkind. You were living in your new reality with your new wife, doing your best to be mature. It takes maturity to move forward with grace and show up at events where the former love of your life will be in attendance and not make it a thing.
Many people can’t pull this hat trick. Your ex is clearly not ready to do this and that’s okay. This isn’t an indictment of her. These things take time. But they can’t put that on you.” Choice_Mongoose2427
Another User Comments:
“Unpopular opinion- YTJ.
Technically, I guess not. But I’m in a similar position as your ex. We always wanted children, bought the house in a good school district, had names picked out, blah blah blah. Life happened, and things got in the way, but we were still young.
I had a complete hysterectomy, medically necessary, at age 31.
He was there for me, we grieved together. We talked about adoption, and yes, the thought of surrogacy. I think the point a lot of people are missing is that it’s not just the fact that biologically it would only be related to you, it’s also watching another woman experience pregnancy of your child.
And this surrogate would be having YOUR baby. Logically it makes sense, but to a woman who can no longer do this herself, it’s heartbreaking and logic goes out the window a bit.
Neither of you were right or wrong on this issue – just saying she’s not the overwhelming jerk for that.
You’re also not a monster for wanting the bio kid.
Where you are the complete jerk is “I reached out to the person throwing the party and asked if I could bring my wife” – um, how about reaching out to your ex and at least warning her?
Give her the option to not be there. You loved her at one point, a simple courtesy heads-up would have avoided all of this. It’s one thing to know your ex is invited too, but a whole different story when he shows up with a very pregnant wife.” Educational-Bonus-90
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I mean, you made your intentions clear, she made her boundaries clear, you waited. Even with the challenges, you still tried to find other options, and that was shut down. What did she expect? I mean, you tried.
She must’ve known that when you moved on, you would try to have kids.
It may have happened sooner than you thought, but it was inevitable.
I’m sorry about her fertility. As someone with infertility challenges, I get how hard it can be for us women.
But what was she expecting? When your kids are born, are you supposed to hide them away and never bring them to mutual friends’ gatherings?” Adventurous_Put_6502
12. AITJ For Not Helping My Friend With Her Baby After She Kicked Her Partner Out?
“I (19f) recently got a call from my friend (Jess-23f) begging me to run to the shop for some baby formula, and other food essentials because she was so tired. I agreed. I got her some stuff and dropped it off and offered to nurse the baby so she could have a shower and cook some pasta.
She was super happy and took up my offer. This was at 4:15 and her partner usually gets back from work at 5:30. Jess has her shower and food and when it hits 5 pm, I ask if she’s going to be ok for half an hour until her man gets home.
She tells me she kicked him out because he went to visit his mother whilst he had the baby and he hadn’t asked her first.
I should be clear that I don’t have kids and never intend to and so I cannot pretend to know what goes through a new parent’s head but I found that whole thing so ridiculous.
I said that’s so stupid of her because he clearly loves her and the baby and he didn’t do it to be a jerk. Jess got mad and said I don’t get it.
We sat in silence for a few moments before she asked me if I could help her the next day with the baby.
I said no. She got really upset and asked why. I told her she needs to beg her man to come back since the baby is both their responsibility and whilst I’ll help out every now and then, I’m not going to become a substitute parent when the baby clearly has two loving ones.
She told me to leave but then texted me a few times later that day asking what days I was free the next week so she could get work done. I told her I love her, but she needs to get her act together and sort it out with her partner.
She then went to the group chat and began asking our other friends for help and ‘accidentally’ mentioned what I had said to her. Everyone thinks I’m a huge jerk, and I can’t help but wonder if I am.
I want to be clear, Jess’ only qualms are that he went to visit his parents when he had the baby and that he didn’t ask her for permission first because she was dead asleep.
She admitted he’s a great father who works hard to provide for the family. He’s not a disinterested bum.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I’m a parent myself and I’m trying to understand what the problem was. I mean, he should have woken her up and let her know he was taking the baby out as it can be jarring to go to sleep with your baby in the house one minute and wake up and not have your baby there.
But if it’s a case of she thinks he needs her permission to do anything with the baby then she’s overreacting a little as he’s the baby’s dad. She needs to sort it out with him before he leaves her.
And you’re NTJ for not wanting to become a babysitter for her.
If you’re happy to help out here and there that’s up to you. It’s nice that you’re supportive. But she can’t expect you to be there every week watching the baby so she can go do stuff. You’ve got a life to live too.
I think it was rude of her to make you out to be the jerk, and I really hope someone on that group chat agreed to watch the baby otherwise they’re judging you for exactly what they want to do, which is not help out.
She needs a good support system at the end of the day, which means not keeping the father away from the baby. It’s spiteful and cruel when there’s no genuine reason for it.” Gumgums66
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You are doing your friend a favor helping her out with the child.
That isn’t something that you are required to do, but you choose to help her out (which speaks volumes to your character). However, you are not volunteering to step in and sub-out for another parent.
On top of this, it seems like your friend is being incredibly manipulative with her feelings towards her man and using the child as an excuse.
They are both adults and he doesn’t need permission to go to his parents’. Moreover, it’s HIS child too and she is not the only one with a say. I get that having a newborn is stressful but the entitlement here is palpable.
Info: does her partner pay for their living expenses or do they do double income? If she is kicking this man out of his own house for visiting HIS mother with HIS child that’s a whole different level of crazy.” MvttSF
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but tread lightly with advice. One really helpful phrase is, “Do you want to know what someone else might do in your situation?” If she says, “no,” you’re done—until she asks you to fill in as a surrogate parent.
Jess needs to understand that she has no more rights to the child than the father does.
If she is worried about his ability to parent the way she sees fit, she is in for a lifetime of either doing it all herself or finding fault with everything he does. This is not a healthy situation for her, her husband, or their child.
It sounds like you were upfront about not wanting to help watch the baby now that she decided to be a single parent. She needs to respect that. If she finds mutual friends who are up to the task, good on them, but they shouldn’t disrespect you for your choice.
You don’t have to and shouldn’t waste time defending yourself. Also, change the subject if the chat members start complaining to you that they feel like Jess has taken advantage. Some people just like to stir the pot!” GladysKravitz21
11. AITJ For Being Upset At A Friend For Vacationing During My Birthday?
A birthday only comes once a year, but it can be celebrated whenever.
“My two friends and I (all 38F) always meet up for our birthdays every year. We exchange presents and do a group activity + a meal. The birthday girl gets treated to everything.
My birthday is at the end of this month. I sent a group text to my friends about the restaurant I wanted to go to and asked if a specific date worked for everyone. Sarah said she wouldn’t be here. So I asked what about another weekend?
And apparently, she is going to be away for a few months. She said to just celebrate without her.
I felt pretty offended that she would choose to vacation during my birthday, I feel like it is a slight. Plus Sarah has been acting weird and talking to me less for months now.
I texted her and asked if everything was OK, and I am a straightforward person so I told her directly, “I feel like you have been avoiding me, why else would you purposefully go away for my birthday?”
Sarah immediately got defensive and annoyed. She said I am a hypocrite because I went away for her birthday weekend last year and you didn’t hear her complain, I am always a diva when it comes to our other friend’s birthday, and overall, she needs a break from our friendship because she just doesn’t think I have been a good friend.
So I am not talking to her now. She has a lot of animosity towards me for no reason. AITJ for getting upset she is ditching me on my birthday?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Why don’t you celebrate it later with your friend or meet another time?
(you know, that is the kind of stuff that other people do if they can’t make it) You getting angry just because she is on a holiday on that specific date, is probably the reason why she wants a break. This would not happen in a healthy friendship.
Also, it is indeed awkward to complain about her not joining your birthday, when you didn’t join hers.
Sadly been there, done that. Kinda ish. In my case… If I am chronically ill and can’t make it and you get angry about it. That is a you problem.
My personal health will always be more important than some birthday party. The silent treatment was the worst, and I have no regret blocking you. You still suck Pete.
Sorry for the personal rant. Your “friend” needs this break. Your relationship with her is not healthy at the moment.
The question is do you both want to save it, or just end it.. And that is something you both need to talk about. What do you value in a friendship and what does she value in a friendship.” International_Yam_80
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
Her, only because it sounds like she had a lot against you before the birthday party thing and she only voices it now instead of telling you when you do something she doesn’t like, so that your friendship can evolve.
You though, are on another level.
It’s great that you got to do this for a while, but at some point, you’re going to have to admit that everybody has a life and it shouldn’t revolve around the life of others, including yours. This way of celebrating birthdays is great but it’s not going to work every single year of life.
It’s probably going down at some point because everybody moves and evolves in life. She’s planning a month-long trip. It’s not like she chose the exact date of your birthday just to spite you. She has her own life and projects, she opted out so that you can still celebrate with your other friends around your birthday.
You should have just accepted it and moved on. You’ll have plenty of birthdays. It’s no big deal, seriously.” Responsible_Brain852
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You literally did the same thing to her, but you have a problem when she did it back?
And I don’t think she intentionally did it back, but if she did it’s because she was already trying to distance herself from you. And then when she listed her reasons for both missing your birthday and distancing herself from the friendship, you did not accept them, decided to ignore her, and yet you are trying to tell us she has no reason for her animosity?
It’s pretty telling to me that she also included the reason she is distancing herself from you is that you have been a diva and not a good friend. From what you posted here, from your own POV, I’ve gotta say that sounds pretty spot on.
So likely you’ve already been doing things to make her feel that way.
You could’ve taken a moment to reflect on your own hypocrisy (she called that right for sure) and what kind of friend you’ve been to her. If you are really that unaware you could’ve asked her for examples of why you’ve been a bad friend.
Instead, you just doubled down and ignored her. That speaks pretty highly to the person you are and have been to her.” Elismom1313
10. AITJ For Making My Partner A Lettuce Sandwich For Lunch?
“So, my (28M) partner (32M) works full time in construction. He makes a decent salary because he’s like a supervisor guy, but he’s very busy. He leaves the house by 5 am every morning.
I work a little doing some freelance document translation from home, but it’s probably about 10-15 hours a week.
I mainly make sure the house is in order and that my partner has everything he needs (cleans clothes, packed lunch, dinner made, house stocked, etc). It’s just the two of us; we don’t have kids or pets. He does housework too, mainly outdoor things like lawn care or fixing anything that breaks.
Anyway, I usually go grocery shopping on Fridays. So this morning I went to make his lunch, and we didn’t have that much. We were out of lunch meat, so I improvised. I sent him a lettuce sandwich. It was a thick layer of iceberg lettuce, with tomato, onion, cucumber, Swiss cheese, and mayo on a large Kaiser roll bun.
And then I sent a Tupperware of these seasoned, crunchy chickpeas that I make in the oven, two Lindor chocolate balls, and a can of flavored fizzy water. I thought it seemed like a decent lunch, anyway, my mom used to make lettuce sandwiches when we didn’t have spare change.
Well, he texted me kind of mad. He said, “What the heck is this? It’s just lettuce.” I said we didn’t have any meat, and I was just trying to put something together in the morning before grocery shopping. He said, “This is not a lunch.
I’m going to be hungry all day now. It’s fine if we didn’t have anything, but just tell me and I’ll order in a lunch. Now it’s too late to order anything because you made me think I had an actual lunch but it’s just lettuce.”
In general, he’s not one of those “carnivore” men who must eat meat at every meal, but we do usually usually eat meat. His job can be stressful, so I just apologized and said I’d do that next time. He didn’t respond but now three hours later, he just texted, “Yeah, you’re sorry but you don’t really know what it’s like to have to do hours of physical work on an empty stomach.”
I didn’t respond, but now I’m feeling a little annoyed with him. Like, does he really have an empty stomach? It was a lunch after all. He is pretty big, like 6 foot, 220 lbs, basically no fat on him. So maybe he does need more.
I don’t know. In general, I know he works very hard and I get to have a relatively stress-free life. So, I feel bad making his day harder than it has to be. But I feel like he’s kind of exaggerating. Anyway, it’s not going to be a big issue.
And I already went to the store and am making homemade bacon double cheeseburgers and fresh-cut fries for dinner, lol. But I was just wondering if it’s really so bad to send a lettuce sandwich for lunch.”
Another User Comments:
“I eat cheese sandwiches all the time.
Sometimes not even with the lettuce and tomato and like just cheese in bread lol. Yours sounds amazing. NTJ. I do think you could have warned him you ran low on supplies and made a lettuce and cheese sandwich instead, but it sounds like you made a decent-sized one as well as a nice side too so I do think he exaggerated. He was probably just disappointed he didn’t get what he expected to get.
He’s set the expectations now though, so next time you run out of supplies before you make it to the market, let him know if he wants to order something instead and enjoy the yummy-sounding sandwich yourself. Or maybe move your shopping day up if you notice the lunch meat getting light/order a little extra?
Honestly, you made a salad and put it on bread and a lot of people survive on less for lunch. The fact he keeps highlighting it was JUST LETTUCE and ignoring the rest of the ingredients and work you put into making it is kind of weird to me.” CloverLeafe
Another User Comments:
“Nobody’s the jerk, apart from your partner leaning slightly that way in his response to your apology (I genuinely hope he doesn’t talk to you that way regularly, and it was just hangry snapping).
I will say, yeah, if he’s doing lots of physical work (hefting stuff about, heavy lifting, etc) he may need way more calories, but also, it’s not always that physical on a work site (still a physical job!).
The issue is more likely to be that he has a lot of muscle mass, by the sound of it, and that requires a lot of calories to keep going.
I am a nutrition geek, so did some quick calculations. At his age, height, and weight, if he had 15% body fat (likely high, based on your description), he would need 2,600 calories a day if he was doing a completely sedentary job.
With a physical job, that could go all the way up to over 4,000 calories a day.
Going by the meal you described, that would be in the region of around 750-850 calories, so not a small lunch, but probably small for him, and not a huge amount in terms of volume.
I’d just do what he asked if that happens again, pack some snacks, and let him know he has no meat in his sandwich, so he can decide if he wants to order in. Or just have extra emergency snacks in the house you can bulk a lunch out with (premixed breakfast or protein drinks, jerky, nut butter balls, etc.)” DearCombination3319
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He sounds so rude. My partner also does construction/carpentry work. I work from home as a software engineer, but like you, I’m also not really pulling full-time hours. However, my partner still does half the cooking, half of most chores (since laundry takes forever, I do a lot more of it from home than he does after work), and contributes to half of our income.
He would be so sweet and grateful if I took the time to make him lunch. Heck, most of the time he makes me coffee in bed and is still the one to go to the store for groceries after work.
I’m not saying this to compete with you.
I’m saying this because we ostensibly have similar lives and similar partners. Yet mine would never ever ever speak to me like this. If he was truly upset about a lettuce sandwich, he might talk to me about it later and explain why a heads-up would set him up for more success at work when we don’t have many groceries for a bag lunch.
Your partner should not treat you this way. You deserve someone who happily does half of all your shared life tasks, who is excited to do kind things for you, and who feels grateful when you do things for them, even if you have limited resources to use when doing tasks for them.
My partner isn’t special or going above and beyond. My partner is treating me with love and kindness. This is just baseline expected behavior from a partner. You should have this too. If your partner can’t treat you like mine treats me, then he is not meeting basic partner expectations and doesn’t deserve your time and love.” lawrencek1992
9. AITJ For Threatening To Stop Buying Groceries If My Partner Continues To Judge My Hygiene?
Admit it: you stink.
“My partner (28F) and I (32M) have been living together for 4 years now.
She works from home most of the time but sometimes does go into the office. I go to my office every day.
My girl has always done our laundry together and never had a problem with it for all these years.
Since she works from home, she takes care of a lot of the housework, but I do help out where I can when I get back from work. Although, she often refuses my offers with reasons like I should wash my hands better; I do wash my hands though.
Lately, she has started separating my undergarments and vests from the laundry pile and not washing them when she had no trouble doing that in the past. She said that my undergarments contaminate her clothes and wants me to do them myself in a separate load.
Yet she still washes hers in the same load. I suggested we do all our undergarments in a different load and she said no because hers are cleaner and that would be worse.
She got pretty mad and made some nasty comments about my hygiene saying I should keep myself cleaner, not soil myself (I do not), and learn how to wash my hands.
I do shower and I do wash my hands, but maybe it is natural that men smell more, I don’t know.
I am getting pretty annoyed at being treated like I am disgusting when I am not. I lived with my mom before her who did my laundry and never said my boxers were dirty.
I said if she keeps doing this, I will stop buying the groceries she keeps telling me to bring on my commute from work, and she can do that herself.”
Another User Comments:
“I’m sorry, you have been living together for 4 years, and it’s only becoming a problem in the relationship NOW?
Your chick is an angel. She makes your food, she washed your poopy undergarments, and she STILL DOES MOST OF THE GROCERIES?
You’ve surrounded yourself with seemingly only people you grew up with. Meaning they have likely the same routines and upbringings as you.
It’s not surprising that they aren’t clean either. Your partner is pointing out to you how bad your hygiene is, and instead, you are listening to people who have the same routines as you. Have you never thought to even Google if having stains in your little man undergarments is normal?
Were you ever, even once before this post, curious or worried about your own hygiene? I’m just confused as to how someone can be this ignorant.
You came online and asked about the situation. Tons of people are saying this isn’t normal and you need to go to the doctor and get your hygiene fixed, and you’re almost fighting it.
YOU decided to ask a bunch of strangers, I’m assuming for an objective opinion, but you aren’t even going to listen to them?
If you want to keep your girl, if you really value her and respect her, you should fix your hygiene.
The worst you could do is prolong your relationship with her. Even if you only respect and value yourself, you need to fix this. It’s just better for your health. If you’re actually worried about “damaging your skin” because you clean yourself too much, then just get some darn lotion.” KuroChow-chan
Another User Comments:
“Honestly, if I was your girl, I would dump you because an unhygienic partner is unacceptable to me. The fact that she’s trying to teach you how to wash and did your laundry for years, etc. already makes her a freaking saint.
And the fact that you, a grown man, never learned hygiene because “my mommy loves me no matter what.” It’s just ridiculous!
I’ve never in my life had streaks or smelly hands. And even if men sweat more or whatever (which is not scientifically correct), there are enough products out there to ensure that your partner doesn’t have to deal with your grossness.
Soaps, shampoos, and deodorants that will completely eliminate all odors. Use them, figure out what works, and show basic decency to your partner. It is not “manly” to be disgusting and that is not appealing to women, contrary to what some shady M&B novella might imply.
Oh…and YTJ.” criticalgraffiti
8. AITJ For Not Wanting My Stepchildren To Go Out With My Husband And Me?
“Okay so… it’s my birthday in a week’s time. My husband and I share one child together who is a toddler and I have two older stepchildren who are in their mid-teens.
My stepkids live with us half the week with alternating weekends. My husband tends to work the weekends that my stepkids aren’t with us and as I work in the week, it’s quite rare that we do anything me, him, and our child together. We do lots of family days out on the weekends my stepkids are with us.
Anyway, this year he booked my birthday off work which was a nice surprise, and has said we can do anything I want.
It might sound a little odd, but honestly, I’d just really like to take our toddler somewhere a bit focused on them and have a day out me, my husband, and our toddler as it’s very rare they get to do something focused on their age group with both of us and our full attention.
I have a really good relationship with my stepchildren but when we go out, we tend to ensure it is older kid-focused as they get bored easily and they are at an age now where they don’t want to do anything considered lame/boring and will complain the whole time if so.
They also struggle a lot with fighting between the two of them so most days out there are at least one or two fallouts. It’s life with teens that’s fine.
But anyway, on my birthday I’d really just like to go somewhere the 3 of us where we can focus on the little one and not have to worry about older ones getting bored/arguing/wanting to go home, etc..
and seeing as they weren’t supposed to be with us this weekend anyway I thought it would be a good opportunity to do that.
Anyway… Husband has now suggested he ask his ex if we can have older ones that day so they can come with us.
I’ve said I’d rather not, to be honest, and it’s now a big deal, and I’m apparently excluding and saying I don’t like them (never have or would say that!).
AITJ for saying that on MY birthday, a day where the older ones were never meant to be with us anyway, I’d prefer it if my husband didn’t try and change plans to bring along the older ones which means the focus of the day, and what I wanted to do on my birthday will completely change?”
Another User Comments:
“Okay, I was totally ready to rip into you. It’s your birthday and you want to do something with a toddler that teens would not be interested in. That’s totally acceptable and it’s totally acceptable to do things with kids individually that do not involve other kids.
So they’re all getting alone time.
Pick the activities you want to do. Tell your husband this is what you want to do. If he wants to get his kids that’s fine but make sure he mentions that the activities are more toddler-based. If they agree they can’t complain or be fighting.
Make it an ultimatum. If they don’t want to come then you’ve given the option.
Explain your toddler needs the same attention they get when they’re in your home, and since he works most weekends when they aren’t there, he is missing out on having more dad time.
NTJ.” Busy_Understanding81
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You aren’t rejecting your stepchildren. You have a pre-planned birthday dinner scheduled because it is their scheduled weekend with their other parent.
It is nice of your husband to schedule a day off for your birthday. He asked you what you wanted to do.
You told him. You didn’t exclude your stepchildren. It isn’t your weekend with them. You want to spend time with your husband and toddler on your birthday. Your husband is requesting you to call his former SO to request that his children be available to attend your birthday celebration.
This is what he wants. He has the day off. “Why not spend the day with everyone?” This is not for you. It is for him.
Your stepchildren and their other parent may have plans of their own.” mrslII
Another User Comments:
“I would normally say YTJ because leaving your stepkids out in favor of it being “just our kid” is what evil stepparents are made of, unless you’re also equally taking each of them out, one at a time, so all kids get some time to have special outings alone with their parents/without other siblings.
But what saves you here is that you’d planned something for a time when the stepkids weren’t supposed to be present.
It’s reasonable to say, ‘I’d rather celebrate with them when they come back on X day, and spend my birthday doing Y, which is a more toddler-focused activity.’
I suspect this mostly comes down to how you worded it, since your husband is rightly protective of ALL his children, and wants to ensure your stepkids aren’t excluded.
For that reason, nobody’s the jerk.
Why doesn’t your husband just tell your stepkids what the planned toddler-focused activity is, and ask them if they’d like to come?
Chances are good most 13/14/15/16 year-olds would turn that down anyway. But they get to decide, and everyone wins. No one is excluded, and you get to do the activity you wanted with your toddler.” v_blondie
7. AITJ For Telling My Sister To Get Over Our Dad's Affair?
“My (19m) mom passed away three years ago. A parent’s death is always going to be traumatic, but my older sister (25f) took it particularly hard.
She was always really close with our mom so I understand that it would be more difficult for her to process.
Pretty soon after my mom’s passing, around seven months, my dad told us he was romantically involved with his best friend, Thomas. Thomas has been friends with my dad since they were in college.
For all of our lives, we called Thomas our ‘bonus dad’ because of how involved he was in pretty much everything. He came to our school plays, awards ceremonies, our graduations, and was there when we took prom photos. The list goes on. Nearly every single significant life moment I’ve had that my parents were there for, so was Thomas.
It was a little bit of a shock when he first told us, but I love my dad and Thomas. And maybe some would call me cheesy or say that I’m reading too much into things, but there’s something in my dad’s eyes now that just reads as peaceful.
I think he deserves that. My sister didn’t take this announcement as well as I did. She claimed that it was way too soon after my mom’s passing for my dad to start seeing someone else.
Now, this is where I may be the jerk.
As I said, it’s been three years since my mom passed and so it’s been over two that my dad and Thomas have officially been together. I understand that grief is different for everyone and I still miss my mom every single day, but the bitterness my sister holds is unreasonable in my eyes.
She came home over Christmas but she’s never overly friendly with Dad or Thomas, and it frustrates me. I called her out on it this year in private and told her she needed to stop making our dad feel guilty for moving on. She claimed she “knew more than I did” and that she was 99% sure that Dad and Thomas had something going on while my mom was still alive.
I told her I didn’t really care if they did. That might sound screwed up, which is why I’m asking for judgment, but that’s my dad’s life, not mine. I said that there was no reason for us to be angry on my mom’s behalf because she was gone.
But our dad and Thomas are still here and she’s wasting years with them worried about what I’m sure was a very nuanced situation. She hasn’t spoken to me since Christmas.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
She knows something you don’t. Something that shows that your dad was being unfaithful to your mom.
Someone you say your sister was extremely close to.
I’d be livid to find out that my dad had been unfaithful to my mom with his best friend. She’s allowed to be mad. She’s allowed to want distance between her and your dad and his affair partner.
In her eyes it doesn’t matter that he’s happy now, he got there by having an affair on your now-deceased mom.
If you are fine with it that’s your prerogative but she’s allowed to not love seeing your dad and the person he had an affair on your mom with.
She’s allowed to be bitter. She’s allowed to not like their relationship.
Who are you to call her out on that? Who are you to be frustrated by it? Who are you to decide she’s “wasting years” by being upset by this?
You don’t get to dictate her feelings so stop trying to.
Plus, she came for Christmas. It’s not like she cut him off, she’s just not overly friendly with him or his affair partner anymore.
Leave her alone about it. She’ll move past it or she won’t, but do you honestly think that trying to force her to get over it will help?
Because it won’t. It’ll only make her distance herself from you too.” NJtoOx
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Look dude, you may be happy that your mom is no longer with you, but your sister really loved her and all this drama your jerk father is dumping is not okay.
You don’t feel even a little empathy for your sister? Dude, your sister lost her mom and 7 months later your dad brings his affair partner just like that? And you are okay?
If you are okay it only tells 2 things, 1) you knew. You knew about the affair and were/are okay with it or 2) you need help because this level of cruelty is not normal. You don’t care that this betrayal happened to your mom, you just care about you, and how you want a happy Christmas, and how you want your sister to stop making disgusting faces and emotions that you are not allowing her to have.
It is not your sister’s job to make your life or your father and AP’s lives comfortable.” CicadaTasty64
Another User Comments:
“Nobody’s the jerk. You’re right in that it’s none of your or your sister’s business. She is 99% sure, but she doesn’t actually know and is more than likely projecting her grief onto your father’s new relationship.
And if they did have something going on, did your mother know? Was she ok with it? You will never know. Best to let the past be the past, and make the most of the time you have with the people who are in your life.
That said, she is also NTJ, because it’s her grief and her path to healing. It’s understandable to want her to move on, but she can’t do that just to make you comfortable. I suggest you take a less confrontational approach. Let her know that you understand and accept her feelings as valid and that you would like her to be more accepting of her father’s relationship when she is ready, and you love her regardless of when that might be.” briareus08
You are not wrong for being happy that your dad is happy but your sister is not wrong for being resentful at present, because she is still grieving and everyone reacts and feels differently.
Try to be patient and kind with everyone. Your sister is entitled to her feelings and you will not change them by scolding her.
6. AITJ For Not Allowing My Brother's Partner To Sit With Us At My Wedding?
“So I just got married and I’ve been planning this wedding for almost 2 years, I wanted it to be perfect. My brother was the best man, my sisters were bridesmaids, and my brother had been with his girl for a while, she still hasn’t warmed up to me, and frankly seems like she doesn’t like me but I invited her as a guest.
After the ceremony, I specifically wanted the bridesmaids, MOH, best man, and groomsmen to be seated with my husband and me, at least until the photographers were done catching candid shots. My brother went to pull up a chair for his partner, and I asked him not to, we needed to keep the colors matching and numbers even for the photos.
His girl looked offended, so I told her it’d only take a few minutes and then she could join us, but right now, she just needed to stay out of the shots. My brother talked to her a little before she walked to the back tables, which she didn’t have to do, she could’ve sat closer.
My brother looked irritated, which made me slightly irritated because I didn’t want him looking unhappy in the pictures, so I said he could at least pretend to look happy.
I don’t know why that sent him, but it did. He went off about her being shy and already feeling unwelcome in the family and I’m not making it easy for her.
I told him it didn’t seem like she was happy to be here anyway, she doesn’t seem like she wants to be part of this family at all, and frankly, I didn’t want her unhappy expression to be permanently displayed in pictures of what’s supposed to be a happy occasion, then he storms off and sits with her.
I was livid. This was supposed to be my day; it wasn’t about her. Made the seating at the table uneven in the pictures anyway, but they still turned out okay. My brother isn’t talking to me, even though I apologized and offered to apologize to his girl.
Some things I said out of anger but also feel like I should’ve been granted some respect and they should know how important it was to me since they know I’d been planning this day for so long. The rest of our family and friends at the table just tell me it was awkward and don’t want to pick sides.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
She wasn’t in the wedding party. It’s completely normal to not take pictures of the guests and only have the wedding party in the pictures as they’re the “special guests.” They play a big role in the wedding since they’re a part of the wedding.
It would be weird to have one guest in the pictures while everyone else is the wedding party, no one does that.
Pictures don’t take that long and everyone paid loads to buy the matching dresses or suits. It looks weird when there’s only one person who wasn’t a bridesmaid or groomsman just standing there in a non-matching outfit.
You aren’t close to the girl and had your wedding party picked out. The weddings I’ve been to, none of the wedding party asked their significant other to be included even if the person getting married is their sibling. It’s completely normal.” originalshart_tart
Another User Comments:
“ESH. Your brother for moving chairs around at a wedding ceremony. I mean come on.. Seats are planned for a reason.
You for being super aggressive about it. I am sure you made it clear to your brother about the photo taking, but saying things like “pretend to be happy” or “she doesn’t seem like she wants to be part of this family at all and frankly I didn’t want her unhappy expression to be permanently displayed in pictures of what’s supposed to be a happy occasion” makes you super obnoxious.
Just make it clear that it’s family only, end of argument. You seem to be picking a fight with those statements.
Also, it seems that you are the one who doesn’t like her, not the other way around.
You seem to be making a lot of assumptions about how your brother’s girl feels.
“Looked offended,” “seems like she doesn’t like me,” “doesn’t seem like she wants to be part of this family”… I honestly don’t think that it’s her fault for coming up to the table, since it was your brother that asked her over and moved the chairs.
Seems like common knowledge that wedding photos should be family only, but when your brother moved the chairs, she might have thought that you were ok with it. When she was there and you said no, I would feel a little irritated as well since it would look like I was being kicked around like a ball.
Feels like she is the most innocent here. I don’t know what made you think that she doesn’t like you, but slow down on the assumptions and be nice.” valor88
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I don’t think it was great that a dispute over seating then became about her role/feelings about the family, but that’s on both you and your brother.
It is common for the wedding party to sit separately, and I’ve been to a wedding where my date was at a totally different table for that reason, and a few others where dates in general were sat away. You definitely do not “pull up a chair” at a wedding table, regardless of the seating arrangement.
You apologized and offered to apologize to her, so now just let it lay for a little while. You are not the jerk for not letting her sit with you, you had valid reasons, this is part of weddings, and it wasn’t the entire evening.
Unfortunately, both you and your brother escalated it to a fight about the girl’s role in the family, and that’s a harder thing to come back from, but it isn’t on just you to fix it.” mfruitfly
5. AITJ For Wanting My Step-Daughter To Delete A Social Media Post?
“Between us, my husband and I have 5 children: his (21F and 27F), mine (14m and 12F) and ours (6F).
His girls have never lived with us. I wanted them to, but when we got married seven years ago, 27F was already an adult with her own life, and 21F begged her father to let her finish high school where she was with her grandmother.
So I thought.
The girls stopped getting along as teenagers, so hearing that they had reconnected recently and were even taking trips together was good news. Until last week. 21F posted a picture with 27F apologizing for “blaming her for the “situation” where too much responsibility was put on her” and thanking her for raising her after their grandmother had passed away seven years ago”.
Through the comments on that post, I found out that the grandmother was not only no longer alive but had passed soon after the announcement that 21F would be staying with her to finish school. The thread got a lot of attention from our relatives.
They’re shocked by this, and so am I.
Everyone is assuming that I not only knew about this but approved. I’m getting judgment on all sides. I don’t even know how to respond or where to start. I would NEVER have approved of any of this and would have had it out with my husband if I’d even known that he would think of it.
I’ll admit, I probably could have asked more questions, but I spent the next few years overwhelmed with everything else with all the other kids that I just trusted. I never thought my husband would casually lie about where his kids lived for…I don’t even know what reason!
To offload them? Start a new life?
Right now, I need to gather information and figure things out, and I’m overwhelmed. I need her to take down the post so I can stop getting bombarded and think for a second. She refuses to take down the post just because I “can’t handle the truth”.
I can’t focus enough to think anything through with constant demands to address one specific thing or another through comments and messages. She has the right to talk about this, but I really can’t have it be now. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for asking her to take it down.
This is the truth of what happened, and she shouldn’t have to sugarcoat it for you. You could always respond to it (or share it) and add on that you didn’t know and are horrified by your husband’s actions.
Also, did she never visit?
Did y’all never check in with her? You never thought to call the grandmother to ask how she was doing? Never sent her a card?
It seems weird to just write off your partner’s child. My partner has step-siblings that he met as adults, and we manage to keep up with what’s going on with each other because we see each other at holidays and such.
It just seems like you’d have to have totally ignored her to not know that she lives with her sister instead of her grandmother. That’s pretty terrible. If nothing else, she’s your youngest child’s sister.” Daydreams_of_pretty
Another User Comments:
“How did you never question why your husband’s 14 and 20-year-old daughters never once visited their father in 7 years?! No summer vacations, no holidays, nothing. You couldn’t possibly have believed that a 14-year-old was busy with school every Christmas and every summer for 7 years.
Did you not wonder what happened to her high school graduation? Or his older daughter’s college graduation, if she went?
Ok, you were busy with being pregnant and some health issues, and sure, maybe you could have stretched your willful ignorance to convincing yourself that 27F was succeeding as a young adult with no need for any sort of support, but you basically ignored the existence of a 14-year-old child and just pretended she didn’t exist for more than half a decade.
You may not have known that your husband is a monster who abandoned his 14-year-old to be raised by his 20-year-old for his new wife, but you’re far from innocent.
You have never been a part of his daughters’ lives, you certainly don’t get to start making demands now.
No one cares how you feel about how bad you look here. Two kids were traumatized by your husband and you enabled him. Focus on apologizing to these young women rather than trying to shut them up.
Also, how old are you and your husband?
How old do you think you’ll be when he abandons your kids?
YTJ.” 7thatsanope
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for focusing on how embarrassing this is for you to have it revealed that you basically abandoned a child because you were “busy.” For seven years, you never even had a casual conversation with your stepdaughter, let alone invited her for Christmas or for a birthday visit or took an interest in her schooling or welfare.
And YTJ for not focusing your anger on your husband. Do you seriously think your stepdaughter kept it a secret that her grandmother died? Have you wondered how these two young girls managed a death and a funeral on their own while you were “busy?!” I would be furious if the father of my children turned out to have abandoned his older children and left them to fend for themselves.
Maybe you could create your own post where you explain that you are shocked by the news that your stepdaughter was on her own after her grandmother died, and your older stepdaughter had to step in as a parent while you were “busy”. State that you feel ashamed and very guilty that the girls felt they couldn’t turn to you.
Then start worrying about what will happen to your minor children if they are left in your husband’s tender care.” Reddit user
4. AITJ For Wanting To Name My Baby After My Ex?
“I (34M) and my wife (31F) are expecting a child in 12 weeks time. We don’t know the gender of the baby but we’ve started thinking about baby names. A couple of nights ago we were suggesting names. I had a partner for around 6 years before meeting my now wife.
Unfortunately, she passed away and I was absolutely devastated. It’s still painful to think about and I always imagined naming a child in her memory. I also just love the name itself (Nancy).
When I made the suggestion to my wife, she seemed unimpressed. She told me she didn’t really feel comfortable doing that.
She felt it was strange and didn’t make sense as Nancy had been my partner. The way I see it is that Nancy was very important to me for a really long time. She was my best friend, and losing her was just a terrible thing.
I feel as though it would be a great way to remember and honor a dear friend whom I miss every day. My wife doesn’t share my views, and honestly, it’s caused a lot of issues. I dropped it and said it was important we both agreed on the name, but she’s still insisting it’s strange and she doesn’t understand why I suggested it.
I don’t know if she feels insecure or maybe the pregnancy is stressing her, but she just won’t drop it. I honestly don’t see the issue whatsoever. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Yes, she’s insecure, and it’s no wonder why. What you basically just showed your wife is that even when she’s carrying your child and making that huge sacrifice of her body, mental stability, and emotional stability (hormones suck), you’re still thinking of Nancy.
I’m sure Nancy was great, but you do not name children with another woman in honor of a former lover, dead or not. There are so many ways to honor/pay respect to someone without naming a child after them. You need to go reassure your wife that you love her, and you chose her and you are there for her through this pregnancy.
You also should apologize for literally taking no consideration of her feelings in this situation and only thinking of yourself and someone who is no longer around (sorry if that’s harsh, but it’s true).” Squidnote
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, this is so weird.
Why is this situation so common? This person was your ex that you had an intimate physical relationship with. Though it is sad, and I’m sorry for your loss, it is not OK to name your child after your ex-significant other. It’s freaking disrespectful.
Your wife is carrying your baby for nine months, and the physical toll being pregnant is taking on her. Yet you’re giving her the reminder that she is somehow second best. She is going to go through labor, pushing out a whole human infant, and this was your argument.
What is wrong with you?
This would be the hill I die on, I would never tolerate a partner of mine ever suggesting this, absolutely the heck not. Apologize to your wife! Jesus.” Chantalle22
Another User Comments:
“Nobody’s the jerk, but I’m going to give you some perspective.
I was named after one of my dad’s exes. I have no idea why. I love my name, but I wish I didn’t know the origin.
And when I was a teenager, my dad had a years-long affair with a coworker.
The reason your wife doesn’t like this is because there’s not a great track record of behavior from people who suggest it.
My dad? Adam Levine? I’m not saying you’re going to have an affair, I AM saying she has every reason to feel valid here.
I very much empathize with you for your loss. Losing your best friend and the person you thought you were going to be with forever is a really crappy spot to be in.
Maybe there’s some middle ground to be had here. Nancy as a middle name? Maybe plant a tree in your yard, or her favorite flower?
I recommend therapy for both you and your wife so that you can understand each other’s feelings here.” iocane_
3. AITJ For Not Allowing My Daughter To Attend Her Sister's Wedding Due To Her Sense Of Style?
“I have two daughters Ashley (26F) and Alex (15F). I’m gonna start by saying they don’t get along that well, and it is due to the age difference. Recently, though, they have been getting closer since Ashley let Alex help plan the wedding. It was really nice of her to include her in this.
Well, the wedding was yesterday, and we were supposed to wear formal attire, so before this, we both got long dresses. Alex was supposed to wear the dress she got, which was sage green. Alex normally wears emo clothes at the moment, which is fine.
Well, she came down in the green dress and put a large slit in it that goes up to her thigh. She also added a skull necklace, earnings, punk rock boots, and really dark makeup. I told her to take that jewelry off quickly and give me the dress, so I could fit the slit or at least make it shorter.
Alex got mad and said it was fine and was in the dress code. I told her no and that you will stand out. She refused again and I told her if she didn’t fix it, then she can stay home. She refused again, and she missed the wedding.
Ashley understood why her sister wasn’t here, but my husband was furious with me and called me a jerk. Alex is still not talking to me either.”
Another User Comments:
“Nobody’s the jerk.
The kid was trying to express themself. They’re 15; they can’t think further than “But this is my style and that’s what I do!” Because they’re 15.
They’re a kid and have a basic understanding of consequences but not really. All 15-year-olds think they’re the center of the world. They don’t understand that their consequences affect more than JUST themself.
Parent, I think you need to have a convo with the kid.
I think you need to explain that you’re not against her expressing herself and that it simply wasn’t the right place right time. And that if she felt like it was an attack against her — it wasn’t. At 15, a simple ‘no’ for reasons that you think are self-explanatory, usually aren’t.
She probably thinks that you were against her, rather than you being against her specific choice. Also, tell her that the next time this sorta thing happens, y’all can figure out a better solution than all or nothing – maybe y’all can pick out an outfit that’s ‘more her style’ but that still fits what’s acceptable for the event.
When I was roughly 14, I went to a wedding. I was part of the wedding party. I was an emo kid. I hated not being able to wear my choker and safety pins and blah blah. I said that to the bride, my older adoptive sister, and we came up with a solution.
During the reception, I was allowed to wear whatever, and during the actual ceremony, I wore a fancy dress with a simple black choker necklace & a black hat instead of hair jewelry. It wasn’t the best thing, and looking back I look terrible lol but it made me feel heard, and it was something that fit within the confines of ‘acceptable’.
There are compromises that could have been made and weren’t, on both sides here. And that’s okay, y’all are learning and growing together. Time to just have a conversation and problem-solve for the next event. Maybe have the two sisters talk too, or even ask them to get dressed up & take a nice photo or two together.
It won’t make up for the wedding, but neither one will feel completely heartbroken over the situation years later.” Conscious-Studio8111
Another User Comments:
“As a teenager who also likes to dress alt, NTJ.
There are so many things she could have done to express herself without being inappropriate.
She could have made the slit only to her knee (I know I would be extremely uncomfortable if people, especially my family, could see my undergarments), and worn more simple jewelry (rings and a simple black choker are always my go-to for formal occasions), done less noticeable makeup like some eyeliner, or just painted her nails black.
As for the boots she could have probably just worn Doc Martens or something similar. What she did was likely a power play or some form of rebellion. You did the right thing by offering to fix the dress and take her back if she toned it down.” An_actual_disaster35
Another User Comments:
“I don’t know if this is an unpopular opinion, but I’m gonna go with YTJ. Not for the actual situation but for the underlying ones. You seem to have this really weird sense of golden child and scapegoat child. You and Ashley have this really nice relationship it sounds like and Alex is out on the sidelines.
She’s obviously doing this because she feels left out and wants to do it for attention. She’s 15 and rebellious so when she feels ostracized, she’s going to act out.” Radiant-Address8505
Another User Comments:
“I’m with the kid here, sorry but YTJ. I remember being an anxious teen and being forced to wear something I was not comfortable in would have made me extremely self-conscious and would have likely triggered panic attacks, especially at such a large event with lots of photos, etc.
She still wore the dress, just customized it to her style so she was comfortable and felt like herself. I highly doubt anyone else there would have cared, and if they did, screw them. You had the choice to embrace and support your daughter’s creative side, but you chose to humiliate her and cut her out from a massive family event.
She’ll never forget this and will likely resent you for your decision.
The only issue I would have had would be if the slit was so short it really showed her undergarments, if that was the case I’d have helped stitch it up to make it more appropriate, while still celebrating her creativity.
Apart from that, YTJ.” RaccoonsOnTheRift
2. AITJ For Keeping My House Too Cold When My Friend Stays Over?
“I (28F) live alone in a small home I inherited from my family. It’s just me and my two cats.
I will readily admit I love the cold. Mostly because I have a health condition that causes me to overheat easily and sweat a lot, which is obviously uncomfortable.
I keep my house at 63 degrees. When I have guests over (which is not often), I will bump it up to 72 degrees while they are visiting for their comfort. This is usually just a few hours or maybe a day max.
Recently, a friend of mine (29F) became homeless due to circumstances outside of her control.
I consider us to be fairly close so I offered to have her stay in my guest bedroom until she found somewhere else to stay.
For the first month or so, I kept my house at 72 degrees for her, but my friend would turn it up to 75 degrees.
It was very uncomfortable for me but I dealt with it.
Now it’s been about 6 weeks since she moved in and I notified her that I would be turning the temperature down to 68 degrees and told her to please not touch the thermostat anymore.
I figured this was a fair compromise and I could be at least semi-comfortable at 68 degrees until she got back on her feet.
She threw an absolute fit. She told me that 68 degrees was “not liveable” and she had a right to be comfortable. I reminded her she is staying rent-free but she said it didn’t matter and I was a huge jerk for expecting her to live in “freezing cold temperatures.”
She insisted that 75 was “normal” and 68 was not. I offered to buy her a heater for her room but she said she deserves to be comfortable in the whole house, not “trapped” in one room.
Up until this point I hadn’t given her a timeline to move out, but after this disagreement, I said it would probably be best if she moved out within the next month or so since this arrangement doesn’t seem to be comfortable for either of us.
This made her even angrier.
I know I like it unusually cold so I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable here.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s your house and you tolerated this for a long time. Honestly, it would have been better to be upfront about it and set the expectation from day 1, but setting it now doesn’t make you a jerk or anything.
A heater for a room is a perfectly reasonable compromise.
Be careful. Most states have a time limit on houseguests, when they exceed that limit they are de facto residents and must be evicted by court order if they refuse to leave.” RickRussellTX
Another User Comments:
“What is your guest wearing at 75F?! I would be in shorts and melting… assume your guest is not familiar with the phrase ‘heat the person not the space’.
I’m in the UK and have the bedroom around 64F max for sleeping (and still have the window open a crack for air circulation) and 68F max anywhere else.
I find warm air temps sickly and stuffy though and would much rather pull on a jumper and warm socks.
OP, you seem very kind, generous, and accommodating, especially in offering to purchase an extra heater for your guest. Your house, your bills. NTJ.” Lemon_Bunny
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, she has to understand that you’re doing her a favor by letting her stay with you even if it is uncomfortable for her
I realized that most posters are assuming that you live somewhere where it’s winter right now and you need the heater.
I thought this was worth mentioning because I live in FL and we still need the AC sometimes at this time of year. Do you live in the southern hemisphere or somewhere warm where you’re keeping the AC at 68 or below, or are you keeping the heat at 68 degrees?
There’s a big difference between keeping the AC at 68 degrees vs. the heat at 68 degrees. Heat at 68 degrees is perfectly reasonable, AC at 68 is freezing.
Using “reasonable personal” standards, I understand if she considers 75 “normal” and 68 not for the AC. I would also be miserable if you were keeping the AC at 68 degrees even if I wasn’t paying rent, because I would feel trapped in a horrible living situation.” elysianfielder
I think you were very generous to allow her to move in, but she's clearly one of the "choosing beggars" one hears about from time to time who think the world owes them a living, and a very comfortable one at that. Tell your "friend" that the thermostat stays at 68 degrees at all times - PERIOD. If she wants warmer temperatures, she can get them in her own space that she pays for, not in yours. Tell her to find a bedsitter or rented accommodation to tide her over until she can find a more appropriate living situation, but she needs to be out of your home in 30 days. Bless you for trying to help a friend.
1. AITJ For Refusing To Give Special Treatment To My Pregnant Sister-In-Law?
“My SIL is 6 months pregnant and is high risk. Because of that, she’s unable to work so she couldn’t keep her apartment. The father isn’t in the picture, so she moved in with us.
She and I have never had the best relationship, but I put that aside because my husband wanted to help her.
We are not charging her rent or anything, as she has very little finances. We are buying all the groceries and I do a lot of cooking.
Here is where the issue is.
We live a pretty healthy lifestyle and I don’t like a lot of junk food in the house as we want the kids to have healthier options, so I don’t buy a ton.
We aren’t super strict or anything, but we will have a thing of ice cream for a week or so, and then next trip we might get a box of brownie mix or a bag of candy.
SIL has been requesting candy, ice cream, chips, pizza rolls, and basically all junk food constantly because she has cravings.
Now, we aren’t exactly rich, so I don’t really want to be spending money on food that no one but her would eat, and I don’t want to deal with the kids constantly asking why Nan can have ice cream for breakfast or pizza rolls for dinner.
She has also been asking me to cook different meals as certain things make her not feel well. I totally get the nausea, but making meals that both of my kids will eat without complaint is hard enough.
Last night she complained again that I don’t keep anything she can eat in the house, didn’t want any of the food I made, and later when we didn’t have ice cream she asked me if I would go get her something from the store or DQ.
I got a little short with her and flat-out told her that we are fine helping her, but we aren’t her kid’s father, and we aren’t just going to cater to her because she is knocked up.
She cried. Her husband feels stuck in the middle.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I don’t know when being pregnant meant that EVERY craving you have had to be fulfilled. Yes, pregnancy sucks, it’s hard, it’s painful (I hated it both times). I had cravings – which I usually solved on my trips to the grocery store.
Cravings for me weren’t fleeting. With the first one, it was dairy and protein (chicken liver pate, ugh), and the second one was spice (Mexican food for the most part). I would grab a bunch of those. Bacon made me nauseous even though I love bacon.
didn’t buy bacon, bought the thing I knew I would HAVE TO HAVE.
The one thing I had with both was diet soda slurpies from 7-11. I went out many times at crazy hours to get myself a slurpy. I didn’t ask anyone else to do it for me.
I got yelled at for going to 7-11 at 2 am (I worked mid-shift so got home around midnight).
Pregnancy cravings – TRUE cravings are pica. They are telling your body you need something. Wanting to eat junk food is just you wanting to eat junk food (which you will have to work off later because baby weight).
I have cravings for junk food every day and mostly get over them.” Punkinsmom
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m also 6 months pregnant and high-risk. I’m broke as crap and lucky enough to be on EBT and WIC. I grew up with potato bread and it’s my favorite.
Wic doesn’t cover that. It only covers whole wheat or whole grain. So I bucked up and I eat whole wheat bread now.
When you’re super broke and others are being kind enough to help you without anything in return thank them and shut up.
Also going to add. I don’t know why she’s high risk but I’m high risk due to a severe hormonal issue and diabetes runs in both sides of my family so I run the risk of gestational diabetes pretty severely, it’s better for her to just stay away from those cravings anyway.
All I ever want is ice cream and McDonald’s but when you’re constantly in a spot of not only being broke but needing your body to be at its best to support an at-risk pregnancy, you need to ignore the junk food cravings and pick the things that will give you the best nutrients.” Giraffe_Tiddies
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Whether you get along with her or not, you agreed to host her in your home. You knew she was pregnant and essentially trapped in your home. Taking her in under the circumstances obligates you to cater to her because she is pregnant.
But from the sound of it, you are making no effort at all to be a decent host. Your SIL is in an extremely vulnerable state with hormones working overtime. You are being needlessly cruel.
You are simply not telling the truth about putting aside your poor relationship with your SIL.
You’re hiding behind “we eat pretty healthy” and “hard enough to cook meals my kids like” excuses to passive-aggressively torture your SIL. If you would buy her the junk food she is asking for, she could microwave her own pizza rolls and you would not have to change your cooking at all.
You are denying her food requests. You are refusing to provide food she can eat without becoming nauseated. You are doing less than the bare minimum. I have no idea why people want to indulge you by condoning your shabby treatment of a poor single mother going through a high-risk pregnancy.
Clearly, you resent her presence in your home.
Where is your husband? Why is he standing by letting you torture his sister? He ought to be protecting her from your petty cruelty. Why is he not taking her to Dairy Queen for her cravings? Why is he not picking up junk food for her?
Why are your in-laws not sending care packages of things she is craving? That would ease the burden on your budget and mitigate your cruelty.
How do you explain to your kids why she can have junk food they can’t? The fact she is pregnant makes a very good explanation.
You are just making excuses to justify being unkind. If my worst enemy were pregnant, on her own, out of resources, and at high risk, I would take her in and treat her better than you are treating your SIL. It is basic human decency.
You seem to lack that trait.
You don’t want your SIL in your home. You do not want to support or take care of her. You should be honest with yourself and your husband and tell him the truth. Keeping your SIL in your home pretending she is welcome while treating her with contempt and spite is not good for her or her baby.” dlaugh1
I can certainly understand your position, and I think you need a sit-down with your husband to explore alternative living situations for your SIL because this isn't working. If she can't work, she has plenty of time to look into subsidized housing, unemployment, SSI, food stamps, medicaid and any other social welfare program you can think of. Set her up with her phone and a list of these agencies and tell her she better start calling because her days in your home are numbered. Preggo princess needs to start learning how to take care of herself, because she's going to have to do that AND take care of the baby when it arrives, if she plans to keep it. I'd also tell her to start looking for jobs she can do from home, like call center or other work-from-home opportunities. If she can sit up and dial/answer a phone, she can work. Also might be a good idea to get her to family court for child support from the father, wherever he is, and start working on getting a DNA test to make sure you get the right responsible party. Good luck.
