People Invite Us To Criticize Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
20. AITJ For Prohibiting My Daughter's Significant Other From Sleeping Over At Our Apartment?
“My (41M) daughter (19F) is currently staying in my apartment for university due to how close in proximity it is until she is able to get a job and live on her own.
The problem is that she likes to invite her SO there are a lot who I generally do not have an issue with.
He’s a cool kid and we get along fine, however when he spends the night the two of them tend to have some fun times.
I have no issue with this except for the fact that it is always uncomfortably loud, and my stepson (14M) should not be hearing stuff like that.
I have asked the two of them at least 22 times to try to keep it down when hooking up because I don’t want to hear that, and I imagine every normal individual would not want to hear someone they are related to being intimate.
Last night I had enough of this and sat down with my daughter, I told her due to many repeated incidents of her audibly sleeping with her SO while there is a kid in this house that her SO would no longer be welcome to spend the night.
My daughter is now accusing me of treating her like a child. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your daughter may feel like she’s being ‘treated like a child’ because you have the ability to ask that her SO not stay over, which is fair, but also roommates and housemates may also be very annoyed and grossed out by loud nocturnal activities, and would likely also try and talk to her about it.
Part of being an adult is learning how to respectfully share living spaces, and she’s still working that out rn.” sugarpenchant
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – You’re not telling them to not be intimate, you’re telling them to just keep it down a bit!
If they have a problem they should take it somewhere else, do it when others aren’t around or get their own place. This is only temporary, they’ll survive having a few quiet moments for a change. Being related here isn’t even the issue, it just makes it way worse, you could easily make the same complaint as a neighbor or random roommate!!” Ixixly
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You laid down a very clear boundary which was not unreasonable by any means. You didn’t scold her like a child for being active with her partner, you just simply asked them to keep it down.
Reasonable request! She chose to repeatedly ignore that boundary. So if she’s going to act like a child like that, then she should be treated as such. Even at 19, a lot of parents wouldn’t allow a partner to spend the night.
She blew it because she couldn’t just be respectful to everyone in the household.” bee102019
19. AITJ For Refusing To Tell My Daughter's Teacher Why She Was Absent From School?
“My daughter is in the 5th grade. Thursday night she got her first period and it freaked her out.
She was sad she was getting older. She was up all night. Likely dealing with a lot of unfamiliar hormones. We ended up taking the next day off for a mental health day.
I called the school and said we’d had a personal matter and she wouldn’t be in.
She has a male teacher who she doesn’t really get on with so suffice it to say she wanted to keep this private.
The next day her teacher stopped me after I dropped her off and kind of cornered me outside the building, blocking my path from leaving, which already grated on my nerves.
He asked where my daughter had been the day prior. I said we’d had a personal matter at home and it was resolved now, thanked him for his concern, and said I really must be off to work now.
He then said I had to tell him. Kind of leaning over me and dropping his voice an octave as though he were trying to lord over one of the kids. Wasn’t a fan of that either. I told him I didn’t have to do anything and if he continued to speak to me this way I might have to have a chat with the administrators.
He said if I didn’t tell him then it would be an unexcused absence. You need something like five of those for it to matter and this would be my daughter’s first so I shrugged my shoulders. (Not to mention I could get it expunged at a higher level.)
Finally, I said again I really couldn’t be late to work and I pushed past and left. He called after me that he couldn’t be expected to do his job if I left him out of the loop on things like keeping my child out of school.
I told him he’d have to manage.
When I got to the car I vented all this to my husband who felt maybe I’d been a bit too brash and that the teacher was coming from a place of genuine concern for my daughter.
I now feel a bit bad and as though maybe I jumped to conclusions stonewalling him the way I did.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, he doesn’t need to know, I’m not entirely sure but it’s not up to the teachers if an absence is excusable or not because this seems more like a job for the principal and vice principal. Honestly, I’d report him for A.
making a clear effort to block you from leaving B. Trying to get personal information about one of his students without the child’s consent C. Harassment, not letting you leave, and dropping his voice threateningly (I’d say if this is how you treat a parent ask how he treats the kids when no one’s around.)
I’d have a conversation with your child if he’s done anything inappropriate in front of her because it sounds like he’s worried she was out because of something he did. Why else would he threaten you?
Also please sit with your husband and have him explain how threatening you shows concern for his daughter, have your daughter tell him how much of a jerk Mr. teacher is (maybe it’ll help?)
Honestly, you need to take this very seriously, maybe ask other parents in the school if this teacher has done something similar to them, he was being a bully and tried to scare you into telling him personal information. Please report him.” B1ueberry_Muff1n
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Also, talk to your husband. The way he was okay with you being intimidated and threatened by a man that your daughter is uncomfortable around is not okay. The fact that he couldn’t see what was wrong with that and said you were being harsh is not okay.
Some dads tend to disconnect from their daughters when they reach puberty cause of misogyny and their lil girl becoming their own person which is awful for a kid. Watch for that.
Secondly, that teacher needs to be reported. From what you said in the main story and your comments he is clearly trying to have control over and intimidate these kids.
His behavior is appalling and he should not be a teacher. If your husband knows all this and still didn’t take your back I don’t even know what to tell you.” Kind_Dark5824
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I’m a teacher and sometimes will say ‘let me know if there’s anything I should be aware of that might be a sensitive topic or if they need extra support right now’ because if the reason they were out was a breakup and we’re reading Romeo and Juliet or something it’s helpful for me to be aware of triggers, but it’s only appropriate to offer the option, never demand.” LizHylton
18. AITJ For Giving My Fiancé A Time Limit?
“My fiancé and I have been together for 4 years. I (Female21) have always kind of been the breadwinner. We have been inseparable since we first started going out and I have been super kind and loving to him, and supportive of his decisions.
He has been very accommodating of a neurological condition I was born with and takes care of my health like no one else ever has.
In 2020, he (Male23) decided to quit his job. At the time I supported it, he was working for his father, and it created a really toxic work relationship between them, and he was very unfairly treated and disrespected there… it was best for him to get out.
The initial intentions were for him to get out and look for a replacement job. He started out strong but has always been stubborn about finding jobs… insisting that he can’t find one or that no one has called him back or that it’s fate for him to be incomeless and homeless.
It has now been a full year of him not having a job. I am honestly getting tired of working 50hr weeks for us, especially when he expects me to stay awake at night for… ‘ya know’ EVERY DAY and to keep the apartment clean and cook dinner sometimes.
We also go to the gym most nights a week after my 12-hr shifts.
Mind you I pay every bill, both phones and cars, the rent, and everything he asks for… he receives (even if we don’t have the money, I sacrifice something of mine or sell something so he can have it).
I even took him and myself on my own 21st birthday vacation on my own dime. I bought my own valentines gifts for the last 2 years.
I’ve been working super hard the last two years to get into an apprenticeship for my career, but the starting entry pay is only 1/2 my income.
Now that I finally have the opportunity to grab an apprenticeship at my dream shop, I want to seize it. I decided to continue a full-time assistant manager position at a restaurant and full-time at the shop… and when I start this apprenticeship… I will be clocking 80 hrs a week.
He keeps telling me that he needs to get a job to support me… but has been still sitting on his butt, not looking for anything. (ON TOP OF THAT, I just bought us a 55″ flat screen tv and I get no ‘thank you’ or ‘I appreciate you.’)
So after many arguments and disagreements where he tried to argue that we can’t afford for me to drop my income like this… I told him he has a month to get going on a job or even get an offer.
Something. Or start showing me that he can fully take care of the apartment without expecting me to take care of all of it after my new 15-16 hr days. He thinks I’m being ridiculous and disrespectful and that it’s slave work to expect him to get a job.
AITJ for asking him to get himself together?”
Another User Comments:
“If you were looking for a sign to get out of this relationship, this is it.
Soooo… what exactly is he contributing? Sounds like dead weight to me. Drop him and see how much lighter you’ll feel.
Also, if that’s slave labor, just what have you been doing this whole time? Public service??
NTJ NTJ NTJ
Not only is he expecting you to support him, clean for him, cook for him, and sleep with him (while he does… nothing all day), but he belittles you and manipulates you all the while.
Now you don’t have to take my advice. And like everyone who has a toxic partner and who feels that their choices and their identity are under attack when people start in about their partner, you can undercut every point I make with something.
You can say ‘well, he’s so good about this’ or ‘I really didn’t give him credit for how nice he is when none of these issues are front and center’ but the reality is these issues are YOUR front and center because (and tell me if this sounds like you) every day, bit by bit, they’re cutting into you and eventually you’ll be down to the bone; your entire personality, all your favorite things about yourself, everything you love, nothing but a memory.
Stress like this eats at you, and all the while he’s there, seeing your exhaustion and your pain and choosing to prioritize himself because you prioritize him too.
This is not your fault, you did not contribute to how this ended up.
This was always going to happen. Some people are content riding everyone else’s coattails, not contributing anything, no matter who it affects. I watched this happen to my mom, I watched her explain away every infraction, saying what a good guy he was and how much fun they had together until she had lost everything else in her life because she just didn’t have the energy to fight for it.
She still got out, you can too.” goodbones_badbones
Another User Comments:
“You are NTJ, but you will be if you continue like this and eventually you’ll be burnt out and resenting everything that he does or say until you explode.
It’ll be even worse if you get married because he can use the ‘I haven’t had a job for x amount of time and she’s been the sole provider’ and WILL try to get alimony from you.
Look, I know what’s like to be in a very abusive relationship (7 years) and my ex would have amazing and good days with me when HE FELT like I was getting tired of his nonsense.
I was so lost about myself because I figured love could keep me going. You can’t love someone if you can’t even love yourself and care for yourself first. Please don’t let him use you anymore or you will completely hate yourself when the situation becomes more difficult.
I have autism and my partner now makes me feel special and helps me on my hard days without strings attached but also helps me with cleaning, cooking, and financial stuff. You can find someone better, I promise you.” Beneficial_Bug473
Another User Comments:
“This post was so upsetting to read I am actually on the verge of tears. Friend, you deserve SO much better than how you are being treated right now. You clearly have so much to offer the world, and to other people both in romantic and other personal relationships, but nearly all of your frankly stunning amount of energy and love and kindness and loyalty are being sunk into a black hole that gives nothing back to you at all.
Please, please leave this man. He does not love you if this is how he allows you to treat YOURSELF on his behalf, without even trying to ease the burden off of you. You are burning yourself down to nothing for him and he isn’t even trying to stop you, or lifting a finger to help.
He is taking advantage of your love for him and offering no love in return. He isn’t — love isn’t some abstract state of being, it’s a verb, an action, and he is taking no loving action for you that I can see while you take every loving action you can for him.
I see that you mentioned you have a neurological disorder and that he takes good care of you during the brief times that you are incapacitated, but from the way you talk about being grateful for this despite the completely disproportionate way you take care of him back I have to agree with the other comments saying that he is using this to make you feel like you’re lucky to have him.
When in fact, it is far beyond the other way around – I know it is cliche, but I really mean it when I say that ANYONE would be lucky to have someone as hardworking, loving, and loyal as you obviously are in their lives.
The truth is that life happens, and anyone could become incapacitated for a long period of time or even permanently. I imagine that the fact that you do have a medical condition, even though it is one that you can manage, makes you more aware of this fact than most. I don’t think at all that it is a bad thing that you are capable of so much endless love and loyalty, and that you clearly have what is far beyond the regular capacity for patience and strength toward those in your life who need to lean on you.
But no one who really loved you would be leaning on you so much without even trying to give back, and would allow you to do 100x the work for them that they do for you.
If your partner truly couldn’t get a job for either practical or medical/mental health reasons, a person who loves you would still be doing anything and everything they could at home to at least try to take some of the pressure off of you.
They at the very least would not be demanding you sleep with him every night on top of everything else. They would be trying to make your life easier in any and every way they could, because they would care that you are tired and in pain and want to take that from you, even if it made life harder for them.
Love isn’t a transaction, but it also can’t be one-sided. Ask yourself this: If YOU were to become truly incapacitated, do you really think he would step up and do for you what you are already doing for him when it isn’t even needed?
If you become seriously injured or sick to the point that you could not work anymore, would he work all day to provide for you, and take care of everything at home as well? Would he give up all his time and energy to care for you the way you give up everything you have and are to care for him?
What you are willing to sacrifice for someone you love is frankly outstanding, and you deserve someone who would be willing to sacrifice the same things for you. You clearly don’t know how rare a soul you are, to have this level of endless energy and love to offer.
If you find the will to leave this man, I know without a DOUBT that you will quickly discover how many men with real careers and talents and passion will be tripping over themselves to offer you the world. I also know without a doubt that your partner knows this too, and so either consciously or unconsciously is undermining your self-worth to keep you with him.
Because he knows how rare it is to find a woman who’s so hardworking and giving, and he knows that the few and far between people who are like this have no reason to approach someone who offers so little in return.
You clearly have more than enough strength to take care of yourself and leave this man, but you need to use that strength for yourself rather than for him to make this decision and get through this transition period. You have an overwhelmingly huge abundance of love to give others, but you need to use at least some of it on yourself.
If you do manage to leave your partner, please leave an edit or update letting us know. I’m sure you can see by the comments how many people are furious and upset on your behalf, and without knowing that you ended up ok I know I will be thinking about you for a long long time.” Jazzlike-Crab-9761
17. AITJ For Not Allowing A Dog Into My House?
“My partner, R, likes to cook, and her sister-in-law, L (married my partner’s brother), likes to help her. Tomorrow is a special occasion for R’s family and they decided to cook together, R told me ahead of time that L would come over, alone, which I was fine with.
At the very last minute R informs me that L is bringing her dog. A dog that is exasperating, constantly jumping on everything, and everyone, and unless it is restrained will wreck everything in its path. On top of all that I have a bad allergy to dogs.
I cannot be near or in the same room as a dog without my eyes going blood-shot red, nose running like a faucet, and sneezing non-stop. This is despite taking analgesics. It sucks, it’s life, can’t change it, I’ve moved on.
We even got a cat since we found out I’m not allergic to them and used that to satisfy our desire to have a pet.
In the past, L has come over, and without telling us would bring her dog.
The dog cannot control itself nor be controlled knowing our cat is in the house. It will pull L with all its strength or even escape her grip to try to chase down the cat and bark non-stop and drool everywhere as it goes into ‘hunt’ mode.
Even when we lock our cat in a room, the dog will then focus on destroying anything that smells like a cat. The dog has broken 2 litter boxes, knocked over the cat’s water fountain, spilled water everywhere countless times, and then proceeds to scarf down the cat’s food, later vomiting it on the floor or our couch cause it doesn’t settle well or it ate too fast. Meanwhile, L just laughs it off as ‘doggy behavior’ or just what her ‘little hunter’ does.
L said that her husband was out for the night and since the dog gets separation anxiety, to avoid having it destroy her home while she is away, she wants to bring it to terrorize my cat and make me miserable.
I tried to remind R of the issues we have had and explained how I’m not in the mood to be miserable. I asked her to please go to L’s house and cook there if she can’t get anyone to watch her dog.
She didn’t like that I was being ‘unreasonable’ and we got into a big fight about how I am unwilling to support her and have to force her to be inconvenienced. She gathered her things and left in a huff to L’s house since I’m such a terrible person.
So AITJ for not letting L bring her dog to my house and ‘forcing’ R to go to L’s house instead?”
Another User Comments:
“Honestly, there’s nothing more frustrating than an untrained dog and its oblivious owners. Unfortunately, these seem to be the only kind of dog owners I’ve had the ‘pleasure’ of interacting with.
You’re well within your rights to put your foot down. It’s your home, and it’s your cat’s home. The dog is a guest and a terrible one at that. And what do terrible guests get? That’s right, they get the boot.
Goodbye, off my property. NTJ.” Available-Being9703
Another User Comments:
“So let me summarize here: SIL knows her dog will ‘destroy’ her home if it’s left alone there, so she wants to bring it over so it can destroy YOUR home instead?
And SIL sees how destructive her dog is and dismisses it as ‘cute doggy behavior’ and not the result of her not training her dog to behave? And SIL knows you’re allergic to her little demon and laughs it off and brings it over anyway whenever she wants?
Have I got this right? And let me hazard a wild guess here and say I bet SIL hasn’t paid to replace the things her dog has broken either…
OP, I want you to learn a word: No. Absolute and final NO. SIL and dog are stopped at the door and not allowed inside with the dog, PERIOD.
NO, she may not bring the dog over, NO you’re not going to suffer through allergy attacks just so SIL isn’t inconvenienced, NO it’s not cute or funny for it to terrorize your cat, NO you don’t give a single rat turd that it’ll mess up her home if it’s left alone, NO that’s not your problem because it’s HER.
DOG. Not yours!
OP, you’re NTJ. SIL is absolutely the jerk and your partner shares a big chunk of the jerk prize too because she won’t stand up to her SIL and say no, my partner is allergic to your dog so you can’t bring it over.
She makes YOU the ‘bad guy’ when you dare to stand up for yourself.
OP, even beyond the bad behavior of a poorly-trained dog, you have a real and valid medical reason why this animal should not be in your home.
It is YOUR home too and your partner has to realize that your needs must be considered. You know the saying two yeses, one no? It applies here–you both have to agree to something, in this case allowing SIL’s dog to come over, but one no is enough to stop it.
Two yeses, one no. Your no is enough. Good luck to you!” iopele
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re allergic to dogs. That’s enough reason to not have one come into your home, let alone one that is untrained (this is dangerous) and terrorizes your cat (your cat’s safety and well-being come first).
R should be more understanding of all of this.” Ceinna
16. AITJ For Not Allowing My In-Laws To Visit My Newborn?
“I’ve been with my partner for almost 6 years, we’ve JUST had our first baby together (by just I literally mean at 3 this morning). My partner is Greek, his whole family is Greek Orthodox and they follow all traditions and religions very closely.
Anyway, for the past 5 years, I have joined them at church for their orthodox traditions on orthodox Easter and I would like my child to continue in this tradition. BUT last night, we were at my in-laws for dinner before we headed to church and I started to feel this agonizing pain and my water had broken.
I was 34 weeks, so a bit early but labor was still a viable answer. My MIL told my partner’s WHOLE family that I was faking it to avoid church and that I just want her son to abandon his family and religion for him and our child to join my ‘monstrosity of a religion’… I’m an atheist…
Anyway, my FIL then refused to drive my partner and me to the hospital because we were making his wife upset. My partner’s sister then told them to stop being ridiculous and making it all about them and she then drove us – I felt bad she was missing church so I asked her if she’d like to stay to be a part of the birth of her nephew.
She stayed and was the BIGGEST support for my partner and me.
Anyway, this morning my SIL told me about all the abusive texts she was receiving from her parents and all the horrible things they were saying about me.
I have always been close with my in-laws so this is very out of the blue and hard for me to take. My parents came in to meet our baby girl just before lunch today and I have been receiving texts and calls from my in-laws asking to come to meet her tonight after they celebrate their Easter.
I haven’t replied yet but they asked to come at 7 and it’s getting closer to the time and I’m wondering if I’d be a jerk for telling them no and setting a boundary. My partner has told me he will support whatever decision I make and that if I want to wait for them to meet her – he understands after last night.
AITJ if I text back saying no and explain why?
UPDATE –
My in-laws decided to text my parents – who we hadn’t explained the situation and ask if it would be okay if they visited with them tomorrow, WITHOUT asking us.
Luckily, my mum knew better than to reply and she asked me first. My husband has since messaged them, the lovely sweetheart that he is, and told them that it was a fake pregnancy, with fake labor and now it’s a fake baby but we refuse to have fake people having fake relationships with her – bless his heart!
His parents were very confused by the message, but we still have not received an apology. Right now, my heart is breaking – not for me, but for my little girl who won’t know her family unless they apologize – but especially for my husband who has endured years of this behavior and tried to protect his sisters from it.
I do hope that they decide to own their actions and apologize, as I’d love for them to be a part of this journey, but for now, I am just focused on my beautiful little girl and my amazing husband!”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ!
No amount of apology can cover the fact that they put you and your baby at risk. No religion should enable people to behave like this and especially if you’ve respected theirs by participating.
A simple NO to their request to visit the ‘fake baby’ that you made up to skip church.
You should seriously consider no contact for the next few months to give you and your family time to recover and enjoy parenthood. You just went through a serious emotional rollercoaster and there will be more to come post-birth. You should have only positive people around you.
I hope your spouse seriously understands what his parents had done and could have done to you and the baby.
Give these toxic people nothing, no pictures, no videos, etc. They didn’t care about the coming of their grandchild so they shouldn’t care about not seeing her.
Congrats to your new precious daughter!” Historical_Leg1179
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, tell them No for tonight.
Hubby needs to tell his mother she owes you an apology. Actually, she owes all three of you (you, hubby, & SIL) an apology.
You for not helping you & everything she said. Hubby for not believing him, he knew something was wrong and she didn’t listen to her own son. SIL for the texts. Personally, I would also require her to tell the entire family she was wrong and that you weren’t faking it.
Also, Fil owes you and your husband an apology for refusing to take you to the hospital. And apologies come before baby.
If you plan on having her baptized contact his church, possibly even if you aren’t. I’m not sure about Greek Orthodox but in most churches, you can request a visit to the hospital. You might consider asking for a priest to visit at the same time as MIL.
Especially since they refused to help you when you were in premature labor. Most religions really frown upon not helping a pregnant woman, especially when you are family. Having a Greek Orthodox Priest there should keep her on her best behavior, if nothing else it’s someone to act as a buffer.
On a side note please put a note in your will saying that baby is not to go to mil if something happens to you both. SIL has proven to be a far better family member and support. Literally, my parents will have 2 or 3 pages on who not to give me to if something happened to them.
(The joys of toxic family members.)” Megalodona
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, at all. They endangered your life, for Pete’s sake, & tried to use their religion to justify it. Screw that noise. You do not need that around you or your new baby who they also endangered, stressing you out, immediately postpartum, particularly after such a stressful delivery, caused, primarily, by them.
No. No. & furthermore, NO. Really, that is all that needs to be said.
As others have noted, I’m quite sure they know exactly why explanations aren’t necessary or deserved. I feel it’s more than understandable if this relationship is beyond any form of extensive repair.
For your sake, any relationship, if necessary, should be minimal & strictly performative. These certainly seem like the sort of people who are not above using their grandchild as a pawn… it’s something to think about. If they had no problem endangering her or you now, you can be pretty sure the same will hold true later… it will just play out differently.
Your husband is being wonderful & supportive thru this, & so too, it seems, is your SIL. I would def go no contact for now, & personally, would try to mostly remain that way. All the best to you & your new little family with your baby girl.” felisverde
15. AITJ For Eating While My Partner Is Fasting?
“My (26F) partner’s family (24F) fasts as a family tradition. I have never really understood why they do it but on the anniversaries of their family members, they fast and pray for them.
So that was what my partner was doing yesterday.
Usually, she would go over to her family home but she moved in with me in a different city so she just did it in our house. I don’t have any problem with it. I ordered takeout for lunch.
This was the first time she fasted in our house and I wasn’t sure what was okay and what was not but I knew I shouldn’t offer her food so I didn’t order any food for her, but I did buy some cupcakes so she’d have a snack first when her fast ended. When my food arrived, she was in our room so I figured I’d eat in the living room.
She passed by on her way out and looked at me but didn’t say anything.
But then she gave me the cold treatment when she came back. I pushed to ask what was wrong and turns out she is upset I ordered food and ate in the house while knowing it was going to distract her, instead of going out for lunch.
She called me disrespectful for bringing food into the house and eating in a shared room. I found her argument ridiculous since I don’t have to observe her fast so I came here to get the opinions of other people.
If I am, I will immediately apologize to her but AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
She’s the one fasting, and she should have made you aware in advance if this would be an issue.
If she’s having this much of a hard time fasting and is getting funny with you about it, she probably shouldn’t be fasting.
It’s supposed to be a choice, and a choice you make even when food is around, and food shouldn’t be seen as a ‘distraction’ to get angry about, as it’s actually a part of what fasting is for many.
I’ve known numerous people fast who are perfectly fine being around others who are eating. You didn’t do anything disrespectful.” SeekingBeskar
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re allowed to eat in your own home. It’s a basic function of a home and a reasonable expectation to have.
If she wanted different rules she needed to discuss them with you ahead of time. Hopefully, she was just hangry and will see reason once she’s had a cupcake or two. That was nice of you to get them for her.” Snowlantern
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
She can’t dictate where or when you eat. She can’t move in and expect you to go along with her family traditions.
You didn’t offer her food. You didn’t sit next to her to eat. If she doesn’t want to be tempted while you eat, then she can leave.” HunterDangerous1366
14. AITJ For Invading My Roommate's Privacy?
“I (20F) have a roommate (19F) who I will call Maddy. We live in the dorms at our college and we are connected by a bathroom so I have my own room and she has hers. A couple of nights ago she woke me up at 3 am by talking on the phone or something pretty loud in the communal area of the bathroom.
We have a big space with sinks but the actual bathroom has a door and lock which has the toilet and shower. When she woke me up I got a little frustrated as I do have insomnia and have to take sleeping pills to sleep so when I wake up that early I can’t take another one so I was mostly annoyed that I was going to be up for the rest of the day.
I texted her ‘Maddy it is 3 am what are you doing homie’. Of course, she didn’t respond and I tried to go back to sleep.
The time now is about 3:20 and she gets in the shower which at that point I gave up on sleep and had to go to the restroom since I had just woken up.
I waited for her to finish her shower and then come out of the bathroom, I gave her an extra few minutes while I looked for my slippers and then went into the bathroom. She screamed something along the lines of ‘I don’t have clothes on!’ And mind you, she is in the communal area but I was irritated and just said I didn’t care and went into the restroom anyways and didn’t look at her.
This isn’t the first time I’ve caught her without clothes, it’s been so many times but I do normally shut the door say sorry, and laugh it off but again I was irritated and just went to go pee.
She grumbled at me but went back to her room before I even came out. I thought everything was fine but then the next day nearly 10 hours after that interaction she was calling me a freak and saying I invaded her privacy etc over text.
I was shocked, to say the least, so I just told her that if she didn’t want to be seen exposed she shouldn’t be wearing nothing in a common area.
Honestly, we are both women, I’m straight and it just reminds me of the locker rooms, she’s always more uncomfortable than I am.
She then starts insulting me and all this other stuff and instead of apologizing I doubled down and just kept telling her she shouldn’t be wearing nothing in the communal area when she has her own room and a bathroom with a lock.
She is very very angry with me but I feel like she shouldn’t have come at me sideways like that. So no, I admit I never apologized but I never called her names back or anything but I’m stubborn and refused to apologize at that point as she was using anything and everything I’ve ever told her against me so AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ because anyone in college with decent manners understands communal areas are labeled ‘communal’ for a reason. If I were you, I would contact your RA or person in charge with information regarding this incident before she says something false or exaggerated that can possibly get you kicked out of housing.” Icy_Satisfaction_484
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – her behavior is… Odd. And you’re absolutely right, always wear clothes in a shared space if you don’t want someone else to see you without clothes.
As for the waking you up thing? That needs to be resolved, and I’d speak with the RA immediately before she has a chance to warp what happened here.
She just went full DARVO (deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender) on you over a situation she caused, and she’ll do it again. Nip that in the bud. Now.” CatteHerder
13. WIBTJ If I Demand My Mom Pay For The Working Hours I Missed?
“My (17F) mother (39F) went out to watch the Tyson boxing match last night. I told her to make sure she was home not too late, as I need to be at work at 6 am (up for 4:30 am) and am babysitting my younger brother (9).
She said she won’t be back late and not to worry. Then, at around midnight, she rings me and asks if she can go clubbing. I would’ve said no, but because I could hear myself echo I knew I was on speaker, and I didn’t want to seem controlling in front of my mum’s friends.
I remind her that I’ll be at work in the morning, and she jokes that she’ll be back at 5:30 am.
I rang her 14 times between 5:20 and 6, and I had no answer. I had to call in sick minutes before I started, which was ridiculously embarrassing for me.
My brother is still asleep in bed and I couldn’t leave him, because 1) I didn’t know when my mum would be back and 2) I didn’t want him to wake up alone and scared.
In addition to the overall stress this has caused me, I’ve lost 8 hours’ pay (£60).
It’s 6:30 now, and she’s still not home, so WIBTJ?
UPDATE :
She’s home now (got home at 6:45 am) and was annoyed I wasn’t happy with her. She said I said I started work at 6:30, but either way, she would have been way too late.
I haven’t managed to properly talk to her as she’s passed out on the couch wasted, but it seems it wasn’t a case of her being unable to get home, just unwilling. I checked her phone too, and it’s not even on silent, so I think she was just ignoring me.
This isn’t a regular occurrence, but it’s not the first time either. I’m going to sit and eat breakfast with my cats then go back to bed.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Frankly, she owes you much more than your missed pay because 1) she’s negatively affected your standing at work which could affect future work schedules, pay raises, and references and 2) she violated your agreement, which would have had substantial penalties if she’d been working with a non-relative.
Of course, she’s your mother, so you can’t set the same boundaries, but you need to set clear boundaries.
I would suggest you write up a babysitting contract so everything is explicit. You have a start and end time at X rate (could be 0).
For two hours past that rate, you make 5 more per hour. For every hour past that, you make 10 more per hour. If you are not relieved of your babysitting responsibility more than 2 hours before your shift starting, she owes you your shift wages on top of everything else regardless of when she comes back.
It doesn’t matter if you physically could have made it to the shop, you need the two-hour window so you can call out and your manager can cover for you.
This isn’t to punish your mom or to be unhelpful.
It’s so you can be helpful and the two of you can have a positive relationship of mutual respect because otherwise, you are going to come to resent your mom and refuse to help at all because you won’t be able to trust her to keep her word or consider your well-being.” forgottenenvies
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I am sure you are capable of handling an emergency BUT if there had been an emergency and a hospital for example required parental consent for something. She doesn’t answer the phone! And you aren’t the parent.
Plus you shouldn’t be put in a position where you would have to handle an emergency alone. She owes you wages and an apology.
Also what happens when a kid misses a strict curfew? They get grounded or some other privileges are taken away.
Well, I would take away ‘babysitting privileges’ as in you babysitting. Don’t babysit for her anymore. If she wants to hire someone else to look after HER kids then, of course, she can. But she shouldn’t be messing up your job and not answering her phone.” cattripper
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m 39 and my oldest is 17. And while yes, there are times I’ve needed him to sit with his younger brothers (a doctor’s appointment on a day they have off of school, a trip to the corner store for dinner ingredients, and maybe 3- 4xs a year my husband and I want a night out) but I would never cause him to miss work.
Your mom is a grown woman with children. If she wants to party, well I suppose that’s her choice, but then it’s her responsibility to find a sitter. You should NOT be obligated to be the babysitter, especially when it caused you to miss a shift. You could have lost your job over this.
I can’t say that you should demand anything. But out of good conscious, your mother really should reimburse you. Even if you would have gone in late, chances are she’d still be sleeping by the time your brother woke up, leaving him unattended. She really left you with no option other than to call off.
But, she’s still your mom so you can’t exactly go to her with demands.
I suggest talking to her when she’s awake and sober. I hope this isn’t a reoccurring issue for you. Best of luck.” nailsinthecityyx
12. AITJ For Refusing To Act As My Partner's Servant?
“Yesterday I was at my partner’s place. We were just chilling and decided to make some coffee since it started to get a bit cold. When I went to start up the gas cooker there were no matches and he said to go ask the neighbors for some.
I said I can’t cause they were his neighbors I didn’t see why I should ask. So… after some time his roommate came and he saw the coffee uncooked and went and bought some matches. While we took our coffee he asked me to spread his bread and he was doing absolutely nothing.
Actually, I didn’t see a reason to cause he was just laid back but I did it anyway and now while almost leaving I wanted him to transfer some files from his laptop to my phone but unfortunately, my cable jammed and he said go ask the neighbors for a cable and I’m like no they’re your neighbors.
I think it’s kinda weird for me to go ask his neighbors cause we have no relationship other than pleasantries. I dunno so he got mad and I told him to forget about the files and left. Before I left he said I’m being petty for refusing to talk to his neighbors and he thinks I feel he was using me?
I didn’t see an issue but now that I slept on it. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, is your partner always this lazy? I wonder if he and his neighbors are even on good terms considering that instead of the roommate asking them either he just bought matches.
If it was just your partner not doing so I’d just say he’s really lazy but both he and the roommate avoided interaction with them, it’s kinda suspicious.” B1ueberry_Muff1n
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and I would probably question staying in that relationship.
Also, and I speak from experience that left me with no choice but to divorce him, letting him walk all over you is going to set the tone for the relationship. Like, by doing things for him when he’s literally doing nothing just so he can be lazy is going to make it so he walks over you your entire relationship.
I likely would have responded ‘I don’t particularly want to, you’re not doing anything just go do it really quick’. As for the neighbor thing, it’s kind of weird to have the neighbor’s partner come over asking for those things.
Like personally I would probably say ok to your face and then tell him to not only not send you over anymore for favors but don’t come over anymore either because I’m not Santa Claus.” Viscously_Aggressive
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He is the resident and should be asking the favor of the neighbors. He’s making you do all the work and isn’t contributing equally. These are some red flags, particularly if this is consistent behavior from him.” Night_Owl_26
11. AITJ For Wanting To Get The Upstairs Bedroom?
“Two friends and I planned on getting a 3 bed 3 bath apartment for our junior year in college, but they wanted to include one more person. I was very hesitant about letting this girl into our group because I didn’t know her and letting her live with us was a big commitment.
However, my other friends were adamant about her joining without knowing much about her. This led us to find a different apartment that could accommodate a fourth person.
However, after signing the lease, this fourth person told us that she was transferring schools (and therefore exiting the lease) due to repeated honor code violations.
This prompted us to go back and look for another 3-bedroom apartment, yet the one we found only had two bathrooms. The top floor bedroom had a private bathroom while the second bathroom was shared with the two bedrooms on the ground floor.
The previous 4-bedroom apartment had a bigger kitchen and a second living room, as well as slightly cheaper rent, so I wanted to stay and try to find a fourth roommate. However, both of my roommates disagreed and said they didn’t want to deal with that so I agreed to transfer.
At first, we agreed as a group that I was going to get the top floor room with the bathroom. I didn’t throw it in their face, but I was right about the significant risk we took by admitting this fourth person and I was strongly against it from the start.
I’ve been adamant about getting an upstairs room from the beginning, and everyone had agreed to it.
However, my friend who comes from a wealthy family has then insisted that she’s willing to pay extra for the upstairs room and separate bathroom and that I should be the one to share the bathroom with our third roommate.
She said she’d take over a small amount of both of our rent, but it’s not a significant amount. I feel like her trying to buy me out of a room that we originally agreed was mine is kind of taking advantage of her family’s wealth, like just because she’s rich she can get it.
Though I can see how allowing her to pay extra for the upstairs room would be beneficial as it would lower my rent, and it’s fair if she pays more.
However, I feel like it’s unfair to me because I never wanted to switch from the original 3-bed 3 bathroom apartment in the first place, and the only reason we’re in this situation is that they wanted to add the fourth girl to the lease.
I feel like it’s kind of their fault we were in this situation in the first place, and sharing a bathroom is the consequence of that. I am going to be living with these girls for at least a year, so I’m trying to avoid too much conflict and want to make sure I make the right move here.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, they wanted the other girl to join in and now they don’t want to stay in the 4br, you deserve the top room with the private bath because that’s what you would have gotten (and what they would have gotten) if they had stuck to the original plan.
Don’t let that rich girl swindle you out of your room just because she has money. Teach her that money can’t buy you everything!” Dream-imjusteyejay
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, although it was agreed that you would get the upstairs room, you are getting more house for the same cost which doesn’t seem fair.
You should either pay more or let someone else who is willing to pay more have the room.” MoeThePsycho
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I can see why you would question if you are, she’s offering to pay more and you’re not but still getting the same thing.
But! It was agreed that you would have that room already and she’s trying to buy you out but you’re just not interested in being bought out.
Honestly, I find that it’s rather karmic that they have to share a bathroom.
They insisted on a random person being an added roommate without doing any real digging to see if she was a good fit and basically forced the issue or you would have had to find other accommodations, they backed you into a corner.
It’s their own fault that now they’re going to have to share a bathroom because it never would have happened if they had stuck with the plan and not essentially forced you to accept what they wanted.
Well, now they get to accept the new living arrangement y’all have since they made that situation possible.
You reap what you sow.” Viscously_Aggressive
10. AITJ For Telling My Niece That The Funeral She Held For Her Mom Is Terrible?
“My niece (F27) and her mom (F*9) have never been too close. It’s obvious that her sister (F16) was the favorite, throughout the entire family. My niece held a lot of hurt because her mom abandoned them, and the way my niece said it, her mom was more a ‘friend’ than a mom.
My sister was absent in her daughter’s life for a very long time, the oldest had lost everything because of it, and because of complicated events in her life.
The girls and their mom got in touch a few years back, and started a relationship, or, more like a friendship, rightfully so, the oldest kept her distance, but was trying.
She’s a quiet girl, shy, but has a smart mouth, while the youngest is beyond sweet.
Now, the oldest was having health problems and was landed in the hospital for severe pain, when she got out after three weeks, her mom had a heart attack and was put on life support.
Their mom wasn’t in their life for too long, the girls gave their mom a week, and decided to pull her from life support. I felt like the eldest seemed so callous, it could be the pain meds, but for a week?
And she didn’t even cry or expressed it. The youngest did.
When the funeral came around, it was terrible. My sister was already in an urn, no pictures, not many flowers, the priest was last minute and didn’t pronounce the names right.
My sister’s friends came in intoxicated. Everything was so disrespectful. I found out later that no one was there to put my sister in her final resting place. The eldest was having major surgery that day.
Now, why do I think I am the jerk: I told my oldest niece that it was the worst funeral ever and felt like it was terrible that no one was there for the closing of her niche.
She started to cry, saying that not once has family ever helped. She continued, that if the family wanted a better funeral, then we should’ve donated money or called her up and offered to help. I feel like if she needed help she should’ve asked. Apparently, her mom had no life insurance.
I didn’t think this would make her mad the way it did, she didn’t really love her mom.
AITJ here?
Edit: I guess I have been hard on the girls as I read through everything. The oldest did raise her sister, and no, I didn’t donate money or anything.
Neither did my other siblings (there are four more of us.) My daughter stated that, because the eldest has spoken about her depression online, the eldest is immature, and that’s why she didn’t include the rest of the family or asked.
She also denied one of my sisters from taking our sister’s ashes home.
She is currently taking care of our mom, and her grandmother, so I’m thankful there.
I just think she could’ve done more, or asked the family, anything, or our opinion on our sister for life support.
According to her sister, no one came to see her when she was in the hospital, and after surgery, she wasn’t getting help.
Edit 2: I didn’t realize how much track this would take, and honestly, some of my resentment towards my niece is how much our mom, her grandmother, dedicate to her in order to try and fill the mom role.
I see now that my niece had no one else. My daughter believed my niece was wanting attention and was immature, especially for her age that she isn’t married, has a career, or with children. But now I see, that my niece didn’t have a life or childhood, her sister is her life.
She’s been caring for our mom, because no one else will, or can put up with our mom. We are kinda annoyed that my niece will get everything when our mom is gone. She doesn’t have to care for her, and no one is forcing her, but she broke down and told us that she couldn’t bear the thought of her grandma alone or in a nursing home.
Us kids would have no problem either way.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. All you really did was twist the knife. The poor girl was sick, having surgery, and dealing with the loss of her mother who apparently never loved her.
And you didn’t offer to help at all? You expected to just roll up to a fancy funeral with all the bells and whistles, which she would have to finance. Why didn’t you give the younger one any grief over it?
Just mistreated the older one, just as their mother did.
Sounds like you are just as bad an aunt and sister as she was a mother. Do you understand that if you are on life support and the doctors say it’s over then there is no point hanging around?
Waiting longer means nothing if the brain is non-functional. Is she going to be on the hook for medical bills too? If you loved your sister why didn’t you give her a proper send-off?” whynousernamelef
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – this poor girl.
Even in this post, you’ve done nothing but insult her and show your obvious bias toward the younger sister. Guess what, that younger sister is allowed to be sweet probably because she has an older sister to look after her while the older one had obviously absolutely no one, including yourself.
Think about it this way: this strong young woman was abandoned by her mother for years, took care of herself and most likely her sister, and attempted to have some kind of relationship with the woman who abandoned her when she deigned to return.
Then she has some serious health issues, right afterward her mother goes on life support, and at the young age of 27 needs to make the decision to take her off. Then she manages to plan a funeral for someone who caused her nothing but pain with no help from you or the family while also needing a big surgery.
Yet, you have the audacity to dump on her? Seriously?
ETA – your edit makes you sound even worse. She’s raising her sister, taking care of YOUR mother, and no one visited her in the hospital? And you still have to throw insults in your edit?
Of COURSE, she’s depressed, her mother was awful and abandoned her and she had to give up her childhood so her younger sister could have one.
You’re an awful aunt. I have 4 aunts and they would never dream to treat me in this way and I’m only a year older than your niece.
You need to do some serious self-reflection about why you’re defending your terrible, dead-beat parent of a sister before the poor kids she left behind to fend for themselves.” Ellisni
Another User Comments:
“The mother of a 27yr old & her 16yr old sister, who treated them awfully before simply abandoning them, passed away horribly after the eldest spent 3 weeks in the hospital. The mother & her daughters had reconnected but, as you’ve explained, still had a very tense, barely there, relationship.
So my question is… where was the mother when the oldest was in the hospital for 3 weeks? Where were YOU? Furthermore, where were you when your sister was in the hospital? How much help were you even giving those girls?
Did you even bother talking to them about their mother’s coma and what to do? Were you there with them in the hospital when the machines were turned off? Did you talk to them about what to do next? How to handle funeral and burial arrangements?
Did you even bother suggesting a priest/pastor? Or a funeral home? Or suggest letting you contact her family about her passing?
IF you had bothered to talk to them about any of that, you would have known they were struggling emotionally and financially.
And that the oldest had to go back in for surgery related to her own 3-week hospital stay. You would’ve known those two were in waaay over their heads. Maybe you would have helped, but, based on your past with your nieces?
I doubt it.
But you had no problem dumping your own hurt and anger on them and then: Blaming Them.
So… yeah… YTJ.” MannyMoSTL
9. AITJ For Not Giving My Mom My Grant Funds?
“My mom the other day had watched me open a letter from my community college containing a check for $750. This money was a Pell grant for student aid addressed to me. I started talking about wanting to put it back in my savings for my certifications I’ll have to take next semester (comp tia A+ and security+ for anyone wondering) which aren’t cheap but instead she told me she wants it for reimbursement and won’t be paying for my college next semester if she doesn’t get it (a semester at my college is around $1800).
I told her that’s not fair since our agreement was they would pay for tuition and I would pay for books and extras (such as certs) for which this fund is meant. It resulted in a large argument where she stormed out and told me she’d just take it from my account anyways.
I don’t know what to do and my dad told me he wants me to keep the money but doesn’t want to start anything with my mom. I’m extremely appreciative of my family’s help with college, we’re fairly well off and lucky enough to where my dad is the only one who works.
But I don’t know if I’m just being unreasonable in wanting to just put this fund back to my school instead of just giving it to her. But again AITJ for wanting the money?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Open a savings account in your name only.
Put the money in savings. When your mother logs in and sees whatever shared account the two of you have, she won’t see the savings and can’t transfer out of it.” Intelligent_Stop5564
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It’s YOUR money, for your education.
Also, it sounds like she has access to your bank account. Is there any way you can get her off or open an account in your name only? She shouldn’t be doing this to you.” Dangerous-Jaguar-512
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but, your family might not be as well off as you think if you’re eligible for a Pell grant. Eligibility is based on income and family size, and if you are getting any money at all, your family income is below the US median for sure.” kjdkjdkjdkjd
8. AITJ For Asking My Partner For Water?
“Today I went hiking with my partner. I realized I was thirsty 10 minutes after we started hiking.
He was the only one with the water, in his backpack, so I asked him to stop for me.
He was mean to me about it. I felt hurt and didn’t feel like talking after he was a jerk to me about it, in my eyes.
He said I should’ve consumed some water before we started hiking in anticipation of being thirsty, and said I should’ve waited until we got to the top of the peak (2 miles with a lot of elevation) to ask to get water.
He would’ve preferred that I feel thirsty the whole hike up than stop for a minute to let me have a sip. I also told him that I didn’t drink water before we began the hike because I didn’t feel thirsty and that I had only had a cup of coffee that morning (in terms of liquid) which would explain my thirst.
It really bothered him and said it ‘disappointed’ him. In his mind, I was very rude.
(1) what action did you take that should be judged: making my partner stop for me to drink water soon after starting the hike.
(2) why that action might make you the jerk: as he said, I could’ve waited until we got to the top of the peak (which he said most people would do), or I should’ve consumed water before we started hiking just in case I would get thirsty before we got to the top.”
Another User Comments:
“Water is the most important thing on a hike. And you should never let only one of you have water. Especially a jerk like your partner. Spoilers: if your body tells you, you are thirsty, you are already late.
And yes, then you have to drink. For safety reasons, never let one person carry your water on a hike. What happens if you get separated?
And don’t let anybody tell you, you are a jerk for wanting to drink, that’s 2 minutes.
It’s not that you hike as a competition but as a hobby. What’s wrong with your guy?
NTJ.” MasterpieceOk4688
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It’s not like you asked for anything out-of-the-way. Being thirsty is a natural occurrence. It’s your body telling you what it needs.
My family hydrates probably more than most due to my husband’s Army background but, if the body wants water, the body should have water when possible. If you waited until the end of the hike to the top you would have been further dehydrated and, depending on how strenuous the hike was, this could lead to muscle fatigue or cramping, which would have more significantly impacted the hike and its enjoyment.
I think you need to talk to your partner about how his words affected you. And, if you take future hikes, make sure you let him know you would like to carry some things that you find essential on your own person.” MedeaMoone
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If you’re thirsty you should listen to your body and drink water. That being said, drinking only coffee (something that dehydrates you) before a hike is dumb. Not carrying your own water is too. You’re not a jerk but you do sound unprepared. If you’re not typically a hiker then your partner should have helped you get ready.
2 miles isn’t much but it’s nothing to sneeze at either, especially since it’s just one way. You don’t specify how your partner was mean to you but I can see why he’d be annoyed. His expectation that you wait until you hike 2 miles uphill to drink any water at all is what pushed him into jerk territory for me.
That’s unreasonable. Drink when you’re thirsty.” salukiqueen
7. AITJ For Snapping At My Roommates Over A Horror Movie?
“I (27m) have 2 roommates A (29f) and B (26m) who are really good friends of mine. Recently our friendship has been tumultuous over something stupid. B has been hyper-fixated on the movie ‘Tusk’ and after I mentioned that I find that movie highly disturbing because body/medical horror terrifies me, he has been telling me that he’s going to turn me into a walrus.
This has been going on for nearly a month now and I’m quite fed up. I’m tired of constantly feeling uncomfortable because they both constantly bring up the movie. Tonight it came to a head, though, when they were cracking the usual jokes I asked them to stop.
They kept going, so I demanded they stop because I’m close to screaming at them. They then said that I need to grow thicker skin and learn to take a joke, so I snapped and said that they’re both really stupid because they can’t listen when someone tells them they don’t like something.
I said I was tired of having my feelings invalidated and them acting shocked when I finally blew up because they kept antagonizing me.
After I was finished yelling, I stormed off to my room. I know they think I’m a jerk, but your opinion is the true opinion.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
This is old-fashioned bullying like the kind you find in schools.
They’re getting a reaction from you and so it will continue. The more extreme your reaction the more they get out of it.
There’s no point in you explaining your hurt because they don’t care about it. They don’t want to care. They don’t want you to feel comfortable. They’re quite happy with just the way things are.
Your roommates aren’t good people.
I’m sorry.” SassyPieHole173
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. They have a type of humor that doesn’t work for you. You present yourself as uptight. They either don’t get that you don’t share their brand of humor, or they get it and are doubling down because you are uptight.
They and you should find new roommates/friends.” poi_dog78
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You advised them you found the movie disturbing. They teased and continued for a month until you blew up. I’d say you were fair, actually, and kinder than I’d have been in a similar circumstance.” tosser9212
6. WIBTJ If I Tell The Guy I'm Interested In To Look For Another Place To Live?
“I’ve had this on-again-off-again relationship for a while. I’m 33 m he’s 25 m. I recently moved to another state for work.
I had been over here for a month when a not-quite-ex hit me up on social media, interested in reconnecting. Our relationship was previously mostly physical; he’d come over when he wanted to sleep together, would hang out and cuddle, and then he’d go home.
He had lost his place to live back where I had met him and seemed down on his luck, but also expressed interest in getting out of the trashy life and constant volatility that was the order of the day back in Albuquerque.
I’ve been clean for a little over 90 days, have been in the NA program, and have started working two jobs and renting an apartment in the nicest area of any town that I’ve ever lived in. I sent him some funds for gas and he’s been here about a week.
Thing is, since he’s been here, he’s never initiated any physical contact. I have a king-sized bed that he sleeps on the very edge of. The first day, after he arrived, I cuddled up to him and he complained about being hot.
I figured he was pretty worn out from the road so backed off and gave him space. We then spent the next day walking around downtown, visited the aquarium, and had a nice time in general. When we got back we ended up taking a nap.
He was again on his little sliver of bed.
I take a walk every night, just a quick mile around the block after dinner. He joined me on the first one but would rather stay home and watch TikTok than join me on every subsequent one.
I’m not one to push boundaries so I’ve been sleeping on my side of the bed, and have given him brief pecks on the lips and hugs, but not much else. Yesterday during my lunch break (I work from home 80% of the time) I crawled into bed next to him and cuddled up.
He seemed much more comfortable this time but still was on his little sliver of the king-sized mattress, never moving any closer.
Other than that, there has been little-to-no physical contact. He found a job on his first day here and has been going in the last three days, but he’s yet to attend an NA meeting with me (not required, just thought it would be helpful).
He went and bought brake pads while I was at my Saturday morning meeting. I went to go get the ratchet set and some gloves to do the work. When I got home he was at work.
Right now it feels like I’ve just taken in some homeless dude and given him a place to stay.
If that’s all he was looking for I wish he would have told me. I’m attracted to him but find him rather shallow, oblivious, and cold. I am not looking for a roommate. WIBTJ if I told him that he should take some time to get on his feet here, but he should start actively looking for another place to stay.
It’s a studio apartment, so not a lot of room as-is, much less for someone I’m not in a relationship with.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
Sounds like a miscommunication or misunderstanding somewhere along the way.
Just apologize to him and say you didn’t extend the invitation for him to live with you as a roommate and thought you were inviting him to enter into a relationship with you.
Tell him you don’t understand where the miscommunication came from and set a reasonable amount of time for him to rent a room somewhere else.” gofigure62
Another User Comments:
“It sounds like neither you nor he wants a relationship. It sounds like you both had a physical fling that didn’t go anywhere.
You don’t sound into him as a person, and now there isn’t a friends-with-benefits situation happening. You’re right, you did just take in a random dude that you don’t particularly like because you felt sorry for him.
You can’t be responsible for him forever, and he isn’t able to stay as a flatmate.
You don’t have the space for him to stay elsewhere and whilst he sleeps in your bed or lives in your flat, you can’t actually get into a relationship or even FWB situation you actually want. So he’s preventing you from moving on and living the life you want.
He has a job – time for him to move out and be responsible for himself.
Congrats on getting clean, all the best on your future progress!
NTJ. It’s unclear if he implied he was interested romantically in order to get somewhere to sleep, or if he was open that he was just using you for having somewhere to sleep.” linerva
Another User Comments:
“Wait what? I read this more than once. And all I am getting here is that you expected him to come to be your hook-up buddy and are upset that he isn’t. He wanted to get his life back together and get off illegal stuff.
Was there ever a conversation where you said I will take you in if you continue to sleep with me on demand? Nearly your entire post is whining that he isn’t sleeping with you in exchange for a place to stay.
And now you want to kick him out because of that. Yeah, YTJ.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I am sure that he means well but a studio is not a place to have a roommate, he needs to understand that.
I would talk to him and explain that it was getting crowded. Give him a reasonable time to find an apartment and move on. For whatever reason, he is not interested right now in a physical relationship so it’s not worth worrying about it.” User
5. AITJ For Hindering My Friend From Asking Out Her Crush?
“I met this girl in my 11th-grade Math class. We’ll call her Star. Star and I both had crushes on each other from the beginning of the year.
We confessed, went to homecoming together, and acted very lovey. I never made it official because I have never been in a relationship before and I was also a coward and nervous to make it official. This happened from October to January.
In January, my mental health plummeted. I was having bad thoughts, stopped eating, etc. I pushed everyone away, family, friends, and Star. I still acknowledged her, but I didn’t talk to her as much as I did because I didn’t want her to worry about me.
When I started talking to her less, she didn’t talk to me at all. No Snapchat, text messages, no even saying hi to me anymore when I got to math class. That made me think she hated me. 2 weeks later I was walking to science class with my best friend since 6th grade (We will call her Grace) and she asked me, ‘What’s going on between you and Star?’ I asked, ‘Why?’ and she told me.
‘Well, Star and I like each other and we wanted to go to the winter formal together.’
What… I didn’t know what to say… Grace was well aware we liked each other but she still decided to try to go out with her.
After a couple of seconds of silence, I said it was fine if they went together and nothing is going on between us. I regret saying that to this day. They went to the winter formal together the next weekend.
I decided to talk to Star on Monday. (which happened to be the day Grace wanted to ask her out. I wasn’t aware of this.) Star said she thought I needed space and that’s why they didn’t talk to me.
blah blah. But there was absolutely no communication on that. They never once asked if I needed space.
Eventually, the bell rang and we had to go to class. Star told Grace the entire thing. Grace didn’t have the chance to ask Star out.
She expressed her anger towards me because she wasn’t able to ask Star out as she planned. But I thought she was the jerk for going out with the person I was talking to… so AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, not for accidentally ruining plans you didn’t know about, but for feeling like your friend somehow betrayed you here.
If you never had an ‘official’ understanding with Star that you were going out, and then you basically ghosted her, you can’t really be angry that she assumed that you two were done and so she started talking to other people.
And you can’t be angry that she didn’t communicate clearly with you when you didn’t communicate with her either.” iopele
Another User Comments:
“YTJ but a soft one. You stopped a lot of communication with Star and you can’t expect her to wait for you when from her perspective it probably looks like you lost interest. It’s not fair to get upset at Grace for that.” misslolopowers
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Grace seems like a terrible friend to try to get with someone you were on the verge of going out with and had feelings for, especially after you were having a rough time. There’s no way that YTJ for questioning someone and if that stopped Grace from confessing forever, she wasn’t that invested in doing so in the first place.” Peristeronic_cat
4. AITJ For Asking My Brother For A Favor?
“I have a broken foot, I broke it about 12 days ago.
I have been out of work and have just been staying home. I’m staying at my parents’ house where my younger brother also lives. I have crutches and a broken foot scooter. I have been going to school (I am in college) but that is it.
Anyways I asked my brother earlier if he could go to the gas station and get me some wine. He flat-out refused and he was being a jerk about it. I asked him ‘why?’ His response was ‘I do not buy liquor’.
I told him I would give him funds and he could keep the change and that it was not a big deal but he just kept saying no. Like dude I have a broken foot do you expect me to scooter all the way over there?
(the gas station is a mile away).
I bring up my injury and he gets angrier accusing me of guilt-tripping him, he then tells me to leave his room. I told him ‘I am leaving but you are being a jerk’.
I then had to call a Lyft and use my scooter to get my wine and come home. He did at least help me load and unload the scooter from both Lyft rides. BUT I was like WHAT MAN?! When did you become a teetotaler?
(He likely has never heard that phrase at all). It’s not like I was asking him to go buy me something illegal or something even more disturbing.
Before anyone brings it up yes I know I can get booze delivered but the app said the wine I wanted was ‘unavailable’ at the moment.
I kind of want to go back and tell him ‘hey dude you were being a jerk earlier and there was no need to’ but I feel I am being the bigger man not doing that. Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, it wasn’t something critical that you needed. And asking (keyword) someone to do something for you, does not mean they’re obligated to say yes. Nor does it make them a jerk for saying no. Just keep that in mind for the future and you might find with less pressure he might be more willing to do you favors.” hdkb824
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, he probably should have done you the favor, but you’re not so incapacitated that everyone is obliged to run around for you so you should have accepted his answer.
Also, it sounds like he has a thing against buying booze so it seems he had other reasons to refuse the request.” TeachIsHouse
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Wine is not a necessity, it is a luxury. It’s not something that you needed in an emergency or right that moment (and if you are on medication for your foot, you may need to abstain from drinking).
You asked, and he said no. You should have respected his answer.” somethingtookish0
3. AITJ For Not Buying My Son The Car I Promised Him?
“Son, 17, has his driver’s license, and last year we had an agreement where if he got his license, I’d match whatever he saved up over the year to buy him a car at the start of summer.
So far he has about £4800.
However, though we’ve been generally well off in the past year my finances have been strained. My brother-in-law and his wife were in an accident last December which left my sister-in-law in a wheelchair and my brother-in-law largely unable to work – he worked in IT but since the crash, he’s unable to sit and concentrate for longer than a short period.
My wife and I have stepped in where we can – for example, my nieces go to a public school so we’re paying those fees and we help with their mortgage too. My BIL’s savings are going towards physical and mental therapy – the NHS (National Health Service) while great doesn’t offer sessions as often as ideally needed so they’ve had to go down the private route.
All this meant that I and my wife sat my son down and explained that we wouldn’t be able to match his savings at this point – but would do him right in a few years when everything had stabilized.
He didn’t take this well and started debating with us. In the end, I told him that while he was justified in feeling annoyed, at the end of the day making sure his uncle and aunt had a roof over their head and that his cousins could have an education was far more important than if he had a slightly nicer car.
Besides, we live in Greater London so the public transport is already very good.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
Your son is 17 – he’s almost an adult, but not quite. This is a disappointment and he’s reacting emotionally.
He’s done nothing wrong currently.
You have stepped up to assist your BIL’s family after a terrible accident. You could never be the jerk for that. You haven’t told your son you will never give him the money, just that it sadly needs to be postponed.
I know that some people say that paying school fees isn’t ok – I disagree. You’re right that your nieces need some stability in their lives after such an abrupt and traumatic change, and it’s honorable of you to give that to them.
When the older daughter leaves school in a few months, that will free up a lot of funds. I wouldn’t insist that the younger daughter moves to a different college if she doesn’t want to since your contribution to the fees will be cut in half.
You could certainly match your son’s amount next year with those fees halved.
Talk to your son again after a day or two of letting the emotion settle. Apologize that you’re having to postpone your agreement, and check in about whether he is feeling neglected given the amount of time you are having to spend on your BIL’s family – he may be feeling a bit resentful about more than just the money.
If he is, make a plan for one on one time with him weekly or bi-weekly that is non-negotiable.
Offer a concrete date by which you will match the amount saved – having some certainty will improve the situation greatly.
Having a cheaper ‘starter car’ for a year isn’t the worst thing in the world – and it will mean that any bumps or scrapes that most early drivers get won’t be as awful since the car won’t be as expensive.
Well done for doing the best you can in a terrible situation!” Accomplished-Cheek59
Another User Comments:
“YTJ… Why did you wait so long to tell him? As soon as you started having to pick up all these bills this possibility should have occurred to you and you should have started discussing this with him.
Yes, it’s important to take care of family. But it’s also important for your kids to be able to trust your word and not be blindsided.
You’ve said you’ll make it right later. Do you expect him to trust you now?
Good luck with that. He’ll be wondering what else will come along that will be more important that you won’t put anything aside for him as you promised.
It’s great that you’re helping your family. But it absolutely sucks that this conversation with your son has been handled as an afterthought.
‘Oh! Congratulations, son! Good on you for getting your license! Oh, by the way… the money we promised you…yeah, we spent it on your uncle, aunt, and cousins, hope you don’t mind. Here’s an IOU.’ That’s basically what you did to him.
So, it’s not that you’re not helping him buy the car. It’s the crap way that you handled this whole situation. You completely dropped him on his butt.” Tolkien-Fan5336
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but you haven’t made it clear that you’ve apologized to him.
It sounds like you’ve just said it’s postponed. You do need to say hey, sorry, I made a promise I couldn’t keep due to external circumstances.
Beyond that, you’re doing the right thing by your in-laws, but I don’t see why you needed to keep paying their public school fees.
My understanding is that the British terminology is that a ‘public school’ is effectively a privately owned school, as opposed to a ‘state school’ which is publicly owned and effectively free. Sounds like you just couldn’t bear to let the nieces have to learn with the working class.
My major criticism here is that you’re breaking a promise to your son to finance the fees of your nieces so they can rub shoulders with high society.” elephant-owl
Another User Comments:
“Eh… it’s a difficult one, I’d say YTJ.
Your son has been saving this whole time and has been expecting more, this will probably mean he has already been on the lookout for cars in a £9000-£10000 budget. Whilst obviously you’re not obligated in any way to fund this, you have already promised to help him.
I don’t think you should be using your extended family as an excuse because whilst their situation is a more important way to spend the money, it’s not his fault you chose to invest it in them, or his responsibility to lose out.
But again, he’s not really losing out since that was never his money in the first place. It’s a tricky one, I’d sit your son down again and maybe help him find a car in his budget and at least help him out with a bit, even if it’s only a couple hundred, it will show your son that you’re trying.
But a conversation about it is definitely how I’d go, he’s old enough to understand and as long as you help him wherever you can, he doesn’t really have an opportunity to stay mad at you.” EllieB_2004
2. WIBTJ If I Tell On My Coworker?
“I work in a liquor store and the laws in my state require that beer and hard liquor be sold separately so our store is divided in two, with two separate entrances with no doors connecting them inside.
The front staff works both sides of the store by running back and forth. Our store also supplies restaurants in our area with liquor which is what the guys in the back do all day.
So I (27f) have this coworker (32m) that I work with every Saturday.
The last few Saturdays, I’ve noticed that the guys in the back are constantly asking my coworker to come to help them pull deliveries or drive delivery routes for them. In general, we should have two people working up front since we have two sides of the store, especially since we are hitting our busy season (the last two Saturdays we’ve done $12,000 a day, not including restaurant orders).
I was ok working the front when it wasn’t super busy in the off-season but now that we are getting busy I’ve found it very overwhelming to be working the front alone. Even though the customers are understanding, I feel I’m not able to give them the best service.
I’ve debated telling my boss about being left alone but I don’t feel as though it’s my coworker’s fault since it’s the guys in the back who are pulling him back there to help. I would like to add that I have PTSD, as well as social and generalized anxiety disorder.
So I’m wondering if that’s messing with my thought process and making me think I might be the jerk. So my question is WIBTJ if I told my boss that my coworker is leaving me up front alone?”
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ if you don’t speak to your coworker first. If he still continues to do it after speaking to him, then you would not be the jerk for telling your boss at that point. It’s always best to speak to the person first before going above them.” evie_xoxoxo
Another User Comments:
“You will be the jerk if you don’t speak with your co-worker about this first. You have gone along with this for a while so he probably thinks you are still fine with it. You need to let him know that you need him to prioritize the front-of-the-store work instead of helping the people in the back.
If he continues to leave you on your own after you tell him this, of course, you should speak with your boss about it.” Akasgotu
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, IF you go to your boss before expressing concern to your coworker.
Give them one chance to start pulling their weight then it’s completely within your right to go to management.” Beautiful_Bird_4092
1. AITJ For Refusing To Donate To My Family?
“I come from a fairly well-off family (comfortable living). I (18f), my sister (16f), and my brother (14m) have all been through private schools for most of our childhood and my sister is still in private school. We rarely have to worry about finances, however… both my parents are self-employed, and they get paid well but rely on their customers to pay their invoices when it’s due (often late but never not paid if you get what I mean).
Because of this we sometimes find ourselves going through a few weeks where we are very short on cash and have to live off £20 for 2 weeks. But it always works out in the end.
Anyways, in October I got myself a full-time (40+ hours) apprenticeship being paid £1400 a month, so we came to a mutual agreement that I would contribute £300 of my monthly salary to the household bills since I was now earning just not enough to move out yet (until I qualify next year).
In return my parents said they’ll be happy to fully provide for me with food, clean laundry, etc. just like they always had (not including things like clothes and luxuries that I would now be able to fund myself).
So fast forward to this week, we’re going through a rough patch again waiting for invoices to be paid. I have lent my parents around £200 (always happy to do). I have also been able to buy myself my first car and an iMac that I have been saving for since around February.
Because of this, I have been getting a lot of grief for ‘splashing out when I could be buying food’ mainly from my sister who is obviously a bit jealous that I can now pretty much get whatever I want with over £1000 disposable income a month.
I just shrugged it off and told her I work extremely hard for what I have and I don’t get weeks of holidays as she does, I work all the time.
But over the last couple of days, I’ve noticed my dad sulking and being all weird around me.
He finally snapped on Thursday after I asked him if he will be able to get my packed lunch sorted for the following day or if he would like me to lend him some extra funds. He blew up saying that I was being selfish for not helping out and instead spending thousands on stuff I didn’t even really need (I did).
My sister agreed. So I just snapped back and told him it’s not my job to provide for the family.
He chose to put us through private education, HE chose to be self-employed, and HE chose to have 3 kids.
So I’m not sure why I am now responsible for his own consequences. My mum was on my side but not really involved with his petty little outbursts, she just thanked me for helping her out by lending them funds whenever they needed it.
(I literally never even question letting them borrow the odd £100, I thought that was enough…) So AITJ for not donating my family money that they can easily pay back and snapping at my dad?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ… BUT, you do not have £1000/mo of ‘disposable income’.
You are broke. No, you cannot get whatever you want. Disposable income means the money you can blow on whatever you want AFTER your bills are paid and you have contributed to your long-term savings. You should be saving every penny to afford to move out.
Your parents aren’t mad that you aren’t helping out more, they are mad that you think you have all these free funds and are buying expensive computers (didn’t need an iMac), meanwhile, they are supporting you and they are struggling.
It is rude to ask, do you have my packed lunch covered (What are you, 11?! Deal with it yourself.) and then offer to pay for it, like a slap in the face they can’t afford it. What a juvenile and rude thing to request. That’s why he blew up at you.
No, you are absolutely not responsible for providing for the family. But you should not be acting like you can have whatever you want.” wirylime
Another User Comments:
“YTJ because asking your dad ‘if he would be able to get my packed lunch sorted for the following day or would he like me to lend him some extra funds’ comes off as extremely condescending.
If you were concerned about your packed lunch buy one for yourself.” MoeThePsycho
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! If anything your parents should have more money left over as they are no longer paying for your school and clothing. Plus receiving an extra 300 a month, as well as interest-free loans.
You had an agreement and you are following your end. Ask him if you had an unrelated landlord doing that to you and if he would still feel that way.
If he says it’s different because we are your family, then ask if the reason he put you through private school was to have a better chance in life or to better supplement his lifestyle.
Enjoy your laptop and car guilt-free. The pleasure is much sweeter knowing you earned it yourself.” damommy13
Another User Comments:
“Yes, you are the jerk. If your parent decided to act like he could kick you off the house or charge you a free market rate for a room you live in (£300?).
That would solve both his financial problem and your entitlement issues.
Complaining that your father spent money on your education…” Kefiristan
If they wanted you to pay for food and schooling expenses IN ADDITION to the $300£ a month, they should have SAID SO.
They're the adults.
You are correct, they CHOSE their path, your mom sees that, your dad is being a petty jerk.
Your computer will help with your schooling, your car helps with transportation, those aren't splurged, They're investments in your future.
You should set aside funds for college though.
