People Insist That They're Blameless In Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
17. AITJ For Giving My Son A More Expensive Laptop?
“My nephew currently lives with us. This is because his parents (my sister and BIL) live in a rural area with not very good schools so he moved into our house in the suburbs (good school district) in 7th grade. My nephew (14) is now in 9th grade and my son (18) is in 12th grade.
So for Christmas, both of them got new laptops. My nephew got an HP laptop that cost about $650. He is into coding and wants to become a software engineer in the future so I thought this laptop would be best for coding and computer science stuff.
My son got a MacBook Pro that was like $1200 (So double the amount).
He is about to go to college soon and planning on doing Pre-med, so I believe this laptop would be good for taking notes and stuff. My son is not going to be coding or doing software stuff on this laptop.
When my sister visited for Christmas, she saw that both boys had new laptops.
After noticing that my son had an apple laptop while her son had an HP one, she proceeded to call me cheap. She said that I preferred my son over my nephew and that since both boys are living under my roof, they should get the same presents. So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If she wants her kid to have the same laptop, she should buy it. Also, even if they were siblings, they are in different stages in life and have different needs, not to mention the different intended uses of computers. Also, you have opened your home to him in order to provide a better education even though you were under no obligation to do so.
In my opinion, your sister is a complete jerk and owes you an apology.” Super_Drewper
Another User Comments:
“Honestly, NTJ, even if they were the same age.
While it’s true that they are both living under your roof, your nephew still has living and involved parents, you didn’t adopt him nor are fostering him because he had to leave a bad family situation.
You gave him a pretty expensive gift, and even though it wasn’t on the same level as the one you got your son, it was still very thoughtful.
I’m pretty sure his own mother got him gifts of more value than the ones she got your son, even though both boys are living together and would see each other’s gifts.
That’s because she’s his mother, just like you are your son’s parent.
As long as in the other senses you are treating the boys equally and aren’t showing preferential treatment in everyday life, I feel like you aren’t a jerk at all.” Slow-Bumblebee-8609
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You brought an adult off to college a more expensive gift than a teen… NTJ… that is before we get into the fact that he is your son.
Guess what gifts tend to get more expensive as children get older and people buy more expensive gifts for their own children. He is boarding with you, you haven’t adopted him and he still has parents of his own.
Is your sister paying the full costs associated with your nephew living with you or are you subsidizing it?
Why couldn’t your sister have brought your nephew an expensive computer?
Your response to ‘She said that I preferred my son over my nephew’ is ‘Yes of course what a ridiculous thing to say… he’s MY son… what are you telling me you love all children equally to your child…’
and depending on how mad you were ‘That since both boys are living under my roof, they should get the same presents. Last I checked I was already doing you and him a huge favor by having him come and live with me… if you don’t like the way I care for him you can always make other arrangements… If you don’t like the amount I spent on his present you can always chip in next time… or buy him a new computer yourself… I am NOT his mother and I am not about to pretend to be you would be annoyed if I did’.” Whitestaunton
16. AITJ For Still Taking My Kids To See Their Grandparents?
“I (34m) have 3 daughters (12, 9, and 4) with my ex-wife (Jamie). We split custody of them, I have them every other week. This year I had them on Christmas.
Jamie had some issues with her parents the past few years and it ended with them cutting off communication with her. I’m not entirely sure what went down but it’s really none of my business.
Our kids had a great relationship with their maternal grandparents, though, and I personally have never had an issue.
Jamie has expressed before the desire to not have our kids see them, and I always just said okay. However, this year they invited me and the kids to spend Christmas with them, and all of them seemed very excited so I said sure.
The actual Christmas went great. They loved spoiling their grandkids and the kids loved it just as much. They did put a picture of all of us at Christmas dinner on their social media.
A few days later Jamie messaged me. She asked if I had taken the kids to see her parents and I told her I had.
She asked if I remembered that she had asked me not to, and I said I had remembered but I didn’t see an issue with it.
She got very upset and said I was trying to turn her kids against her by taking them to see her parents who hated her.
She said I had no right to take them to see her family, especially the family that hated her.
When she picked them up she was obviously upset. She messaged me later saying that the youngest was talking about how amazing their grandparents were and that I shouldn’t have taken them to see them.
She’s still very upset, and a couple of family members have agreed that I shouldn’t have taken the kids to see their grandparents.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, and I will explain why. Your ex-in-laws cut contact with their daughter – your ex-wife. THEY did this! THEIR choice! But like most sane people they still want their grandkids in their life.
Usually, you can’t see the grandkids if you don’t get along with the parents (at least not u*til the grandkids are adults and can choose for themself).
The ONLY leverage your ex-wife had in this situation was the fact her parents wanted to see their grandkids and they had to go through her to get that.
This meant, for whatever reason they cut off communications with their daughter they had to work on it if they wanted the grandkids in their life.
This was until you gave her parents an out. You gave them the opportunity to keep on ignoring their daughter but STILL get the fun time with the grandkids.
You even gave them Christmas!” Waste-Phase-2857
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Big-time OP.
These are her parents so her position on that issue should be respected by you, not disrespected just because you’re no longer together.
You disrespected their mother. You hurt their mother. You were wrong. The only grandparents you should have a say over them seeing against her will are your own parents.
That’s your decision.
How would you feel if the tables were turned? If you had a family member you absolutely did not want to have contact with your kids, and your ex ran roughshod over your preference and put them in the presence of that person or those people regardless of how you felt about it?
Where’s your empathy for the mother of your kids?
Reading this just annoyed me. I’m in no contact with my mom. If my husband and I ended up not together, I’d be INFURIATED if he put our kid (my stepdaughter) in the presence of my toxic mom.” jammy913
Another User Comments:
“You are massively the jerk. Especially without knowing why. Dude. Coming from a family in very great denial of the pervy relatives and creepy friends they insist on inviting over for every occasion she could have had very good reasons for not letting her children near them. Do you know how many times people in my family have cut off communication with me because I kept drawing the line and not letting these various people be near the kids around me and calling out other various family members for letting those people around their kids?
Admittedly this default is an extreme example. But you don’t know why they are not speaking with each other.
It could be over something petty. But it also could be over something that the parents got mad at the mother for drama line about how they were interacting with your children.
Things that you haven’t seen. Because of course, they’re going to be on their best behavior in front of you during the holidays. You are so very out of bounds. And then to purposely take your children over there when you know that they’ve been having problems and they hate her?
Have you ever thought that maybe she didn’t want her kids near them because they always tell her kids horrible things about her? Or maybe they always pride the kids on information about her that they could use against her later? Perhaps your family is a magical place where no one does these things but a lot of us have really messed up families.
And they just used you very easily as a tool for manipulation and you very happily stepped in the door.” User
15. AITJ For Letting My Son Trade Christmas Presents?
“My 9-year-old son is autistic.
For Christmas, he received several presents from one of his grandmothers which were not to his preference (a building kit he wasn’t interested in and a girl’s cut t-shirt featuring a show in which he had previously been interested but was no longer).
The presents were well-intentioned but just poorly chosen.
When he received them he was very gracious and thanked his grandmother. When we got home, he retreated to his room and eventually started crying because he was so disappointed.
For him to contain his disappointment and thank her graciously was huge.
I was very proud of him. I allowed him to order a new shirt featuring a show in which he is currently interested. Also, we have what we call ‘the shop’ in our house – it is a shelf with new toys on it my kids can earn by doing jobs and trading them in for tokens.
Each item has a token value assigned.
I let my son trade the building kit for an item from the store.
My husband is furious. He says I should have used this as a teachable moment for my son, and I should have pushed him to try the building kit.
He thinks my son doesn’t try enough new things. He is also very angry with me as when I ordered the toy my son traded for, I told him it would be placed in the store. He said by giving it to my son without making him work for it I was spoiling him and that I lied to my husband when I said it would go into the store
AITJ? I wanted to reward my son for doing such a great job of trying to contain his disappointment. If he had thrown a fit I wouldn’t have traded them, but I don’t see the harm in what I did. My husband is so mad he walked out of the room because I said I didn’t agree that we should have turned Christmas presents into a teaching moment.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
My son is not autistic and the pure fact that he was grateful and polite in front of the gift-givers this Christmas was still a huge victory.
If I were you, I’d have been proud of that moment and rewarded it personally.
I’m not as familiar with the spectrum as I’d like… but from what I understand, forcing them to do things they don’t like isn’t constructive in the way it might be for a kid that isn’t on the spectrum.
(Which is to say… if a non-autistic kid gets a gift, it’s usually more important to teach them to try new things and be grateful, whereas concerns are just different with a kid on the spectrum… I think?)
I would normally be bothered by gift trading, but it seems like with an autistic kid, that might’ve justified it and even been the most appropriate action.
Does your husband invest the same energy into helping to understand parenting for an autistic kid as you do? I’m wondering if he’s applying conventional standards inappropriately.” MCRemix
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
I’ll give you the shirt, kids’ tastes change often and they all hate clothes as gifts anyway, but gift receipts should be standard for any clothing gift to or from anyone even just for sizing issues.
But your husband is right. You don’t always get gifts you want, and you also sometimes get gifts you don’t want. It’s a part of life. You could have rewarded your son in some other way like one of your tokens, or maybe a special lunch out, but it sounds like you ordered your kid a replacement toy purposely to let him “trade for it” instead of even just picking something already there.
And now you may have an issue because if that policy doesn’t apply to your other children, now this one gets special treatment.” ghostofumich2005
Another User Comments:
“If your kid really is autistic, then how he reacted to his grandmother is exceptional progress. I grew up with an autistic family member, a father who was far too strict with the autistic member, and a mother who was far too coddling to the autistic member.
It was not a good environment for an autistic person to grow up in.
That being said, had the mother and father met somewhere in the middle, it would have been a perfect environment for the autistic person to grow up.
Too often autism is used as an excuse for bad manners.
In this situation, I don’t think that’s the case. But I do see the father wanting this to be a teachable moment. The thing is it kind of already was. He learned the proper way to react and have good manners.
However, if your child doesn’t have autism and is just crying because he didn’t get what he wanted, I agree with the father completely.
I think dad might be overreacting. But I think helping the child to try new things isn’t necessarily bad either.
Basically, you’re NTJ but I don’t know if dad is a jerk either. It’s hard raising an autistic child. It’s the reason I don’t want kids.
Every autistic child is different and there is no one-size-fits-all answer. It just sucks and I hope you and your husband resolve things quickly.” helenaxbucket
14. AITJ For Grounding My Son For Spending A Lot On A Video Game?
“I (34M) have a son (8M) who enjoys playing a game named Fortnite. His friend’s birthday was a day ago and got 100 dollars worth of vbucks (in-game currency used to purchase items in Fortnite) for his present. So my son who was jealous of his friend purchased $300 worth of vbucks.
I got the notification. I grounded him from his Xbox for two weeks. My wife (35F) says I’m overreacting and that we can just refund the purchase and get our money back but I think it’s more than that and he needs to learn that his actions were unacceptable.
Edit: I had a talk with my wife and son. We agreed that he would do chores and pay the 300 back. When he does, his Xbox will be returned to him. I talked to my wife about this and got her to think differently about the situation. She agrees and now the situation is resolved.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Using your credit card without your permission is theft, I would also suggest it’s immoral and possibly a little fraudulent to claim the funds back from the credit card company or Xbox when your son deliberately made the purchase (and has presumably spent the vbucks?)
If your son was stealing from your wallet to feed an addictive habit it would not be ok. So he needs to learn these lessons now, or he will get himself into sticky situations when he is older. If your wife continues to excuse this sort of behavior she will enable him to be a spoilt and entitled young person who thinks they can do what they like because mummy and daddy will sort it out/make excuses/pay for things.
You don’t want to be in that cycle.” kerri_may
Another User Comments:
“Were any constraints put on how he could use his $300?
Nobody is the jerk here, you and your wife are both kinds of right. Grounding him from his Xbox doesn’t sound horribly unreasonable, depending on how harshly you behaved. I would refund the purchase, sure, so your wife is reasonable there.
That would send a message that it is a serious enough lapse in responsibility that needs to be undone.
But I believe both of you might have missed something. This can be made into an excellent parenting opportunity! Both of you should sit down with him and explain why this wasn’t a great idea.
The best outcome would be that your kid understands that we’re careful how we spend large sums of funds and we don’t spend funds when we’re motivated by jealousy.” Total-Being-4278
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Since he’s 8, OP’s son probably doesn’t understand how much $300 is actually worth, but that doesn’t mean that his behavior is excusable.
Even if we take out the actual value, it’s not better. From his POV his friend got X for his birthday, so he felt entitled to take 3X without permission (he’s probably too young to see it as stealing from his parents). This behavior needs to be stopped asap if you don’t want to deal with a spoiled squanderer later on in your life.
My suggestion for OP would be to set some ‘payments’ and/or a weekly/monthly amount he can spend. That way, if OP’s son wants to buy something he has to manage his savings and he can start to get how much $300 actually means (lots of time spent doing chores/helping, or anything with a cost really).
For example, my parents gave my brother and me €1/2 if we truly helped clean the house, and during holidays we had a budget of €10 per week (we basically had to choose if we wanted ice cream every day and nothing else or if we saved a bit on the ice cream to buy a small toy, etc).
Since we already had the savings we had to buy our own things, no exceptions, the maximum was asking for a loan (and for a while, we would have ‘negative savings’ to make up for).” Silsail
13. AITJ For Finally Choosing My Happiness Over Others'?
“I’m a 26-year-old Indian female, mother of 2 boys (7 and 5), married to a 37 years old man for the last 8 years.
Long story short, after going through a lot many things, being patient through it all, suffering trauma at the hands of my father, mother, and husband, and battling PTSD, depression, anxiety, and panic disorder, I found a man, who instantly clicked, and the first thing I did was tell my husband that I wanted a divorce.
A little back story here, in the year 2020, I left my husband and shifted back to my mother’s house. My husband is my father’s sister’s son, my first cousin, with whom I was forced to marry at the age of 18. Suffered through a lot, with no one to help, financially, emotionally, and physically.
I started studying and earning, and became independent. Now I just want to be happy. For once, in the 26 years of my existence, I feel belonged. He loves me. The thing is, my mother and her brother have an inkling that I have an affair, so they’re just trying to brainwash me, telling me things like ‘it’s a sin’, ‘you’ve chosen the wrong path’, ‘you’ll pay for this’, ‘you’ll lose everything’ etc.
I’m a human being with anxiety, so these things get to me, and my thoughts get muddled. I’ve decided to pursue a relationship with my love (28). And when I told my ex-husband about my decision, he begged and pleaded, cried, and used every tactic known to man to make my stay.
I knew he was just desperate. I felt guilty. I was scared but I just couldn’t stay with him. I’d decided to divorce him even before love came along. Now I’d just gotten a plus point. Every now and again, mom, the brother of my ex, will come up to me and say something along the lines of, ‘you’ll regret it’, ‘You’re not thinking’, and so on and so forth.
I’m pretty much firm on my decision but these things scare me. So, AITJ for choosing my happiness for once?
Update: I had a huge fight with my mother. According to her, I’ll lose everything. These words really get to me and I feel scared!! I’m jumping between not caring and being scared out of my mind!
I don’t know what to say or do! As for the children, they are with me and will be with me! No question about that! Because he was not there when I gave birth for the first time, I had to sell my gold to pay for the birth. He and his mother did not allow me to touch my own son for months.
I was severely depressed. I was 18.
I went through a lot. Lost my second child when my elder one was 10 months old. I had a c-section during my first. Fell pregnant again and this time he outright refused to do anything. I shifted back to my mother’s house and gave birth all the while no one from my in-laws’ house kept any sort of contact with me.
My mother made my life miserable. I somehow gave birth the second time as well. After everything was said and done, my mother wanted me to go back, and I did. Then started the tactical unraveling of me.
My ex humiliated me in public, gathered people, and trashed me. He said such bad things to me at his sister’s wedding.
He, his father, and his mother left no stone unturned to make me feel terrible. I was in misery. 4 years later, in the year 2020, I finally came to my mother’s house, but as a surprise to no one, I’m still in misery, living under her roof. I’m trying so hard to get out.
My brain keeps jumping between my desire to be happy and thinking that I’m being unfair to the children. The point here is, If I’m not happy, how will I keep them happy! Right now they don’t know what their father did and I’m not going to poison their young and fragile minds but I will have to tell them one day.
Please show me a way, some light! Right now I’m very upset and don’t know what to do!”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you were forced to marry someone you did not want to. Why should you stay just because of what your family says or what others will think?
I think you should choose your own happiness. I am from a similar culture where women sometimes get forced to marry when they become of age.
The only thing I would say is that if you’re staying with your mom, save up and move out. Then you can distance yourself from her and other family members’ opinions.” Fun-Tourist-7395
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is your life it’s high time that you live it for yourself. You’ve dutifully done what tradition and your family has dictated and what did that get you (other than two beautiful children obviously)? You’ve been injured physically and psychologically all for your parent’s approval. Get out there and show your kids that women are strong capable humans who can make their own decisions and live their own lives.
Many westerners will get hung up on cultural differences. As in, this would be wrong in my culture but not in yours, etc. That’s utter nonsense. You’ve been wronged by your family regardless of cultural norms.” User
Another User Comments:
“You’re NTJ. You were forced into a marriage that you didn’t want, with your cousin, after suffering through mistreatment from your father and mother, awful treatment that continued with your husband.
This is not your fault.
But, I caution you, to take steps to ensure that you’re safe. You mention that you are earning income. Do you make enough to move out? Whether it’s alone, with friends, or with the man that you’ve been seeing… It would undoubtedly be better than living in a home where you’re subjected to mistreatment, intimidation, and the very real possibility of physical harm.
I’d recommend going no contact with your family as well, considering how they’ve treated you in the past and continue to treat you now. At a minimum, if/when you move, do NOT tell them where you’re going.
You do what you need to do to be happy and stay safe.” Faberbutt
12. AITJ For Saying My Brother's Fiancée Is Ungrateful?
“My parents (65&53) paid off everyone’s (my siblings and their partners) student loan debt as a Christmas gift this year. I am very aware of how privileged I am to have parents that were able to do this for me.
My parents were able to help their three children (M30, M27, F27) through college so we collectively had little student loan debt compared to most. I think between the three of us they paid around 80k (and two of us have higher-level degrees).
My partner is going through paramedic/rookie school and they’re paying for half the city he works in isn’t paying. He’s incredibly grateful and actually cried when he read the Christmas card.
However, my oldest brother’s fiancée was actively rude and incredibly ungrateful about her gift. Keep in mind her student loan debt/credit card debt is so high it became a source of contention between my brother and her because once they get married he will take on her debt.
My parents have been aware and worried because right now my brother is in good financial standing. So, they gave both my brother and his fiancée the gift of not only paying off her student loan debt (she has a Master’s degree in education and 120k in student loan debt) but also her credit card debt as a Christmas/early Wedding gift. In total probably about 250k!
Not to compare $$$ but my student loan debt was 25k and I was thrilled to not have to worry about that anymore.
My brother’s fiancée couldn’t even pretend to be grateful. She kind of gave a fake smile and then went off to the guest bedroom to literally CRY ABOUT IT!
Not happy tears, but ‘tears of disappointment’. She made a massive scene and acted super sad and told my brother my parents were acting selfishly because they were worried about him and not what would make her happy (which apparently was a particular $3,000 handbag). She claimed she wasn’t worried about her student loan debt because it will probably be forgiven anyways (I doubt that) and that my brother makes enough to pay off her credit card debt himself (he makes 80k btw, she makes like 65k… not enough to comfortably get rid of over $100,000 worth of credit card debt that is growing rapidly!)
My parents were upset but kept quiet but I had enough and loudly proclaimed while she was in the next room that she was an ‘ungrateful little witch’.
Everyone got angry at me. My brother and his fiancée left and my parents said I didn’t need to escalate the situation but I can’t handle any more holidays with someone so entitled.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but if I were your parents, I wouldn’t buy her any more gifts at all even if they do get married. She is ungrateful for no longer being in debt; I would have been elated at my parents being able to pay off my measly $25k debt when I started focusing on it but I worked my butt off to pay off my own debt.
Your parents essentially gifted this chick a mid-sized starter home in my area; $250k is a ridiculous amount of debt that she thought she could afford.
Student loans don’t just get forgiven out of the blue & you have to meet very specific criteria for that to happen; why does she have $100k in credit card debt when she makes nearly half of that?
Who gave her that large of a credit line? I’m sure your parents never would have let your brother say I DO when she has that much debt which is why they paid it off; she was a bankruptcy claim waiting to happen & your brother would have had a shotty credit score because of her!” Few-Entrepreneur383
Another User Comments:
“Your parents gave a non-family member a quarter of a million dollars? Are they absurdly wealthy to a filthy degree, or do you need to have them assessed?
That feels like a truly terrible financial decision. Like, they could have bought their son a house outright, and put it in his name after requiring a prenup, which would have let them live comfortably while paying down her loans.
Or stuck it in a trust for his retirement. Now the funds are gone and disappeared into the void.
This decision also enables their son to marry this woman, who has a shopping addiction and champagne taste in a beer budget to the tune of $100k in credit card debt.
I fear this will be a completely pointless gesture. She’ll rack the debt back up immediately on wedding things and they’ll be exactly where they were before.
And how are you not angry your parents just flushed away a quarter of a million dollars on someone who made bad decisions, instead of helping out the kids who made good financial choices?
I’m going ‘everyone sucks here’ because this is a lump of bad choices all around.
I hope your parents retract the offer and get her the purse, and the ensuing WWIII conflict leads to your brother’s break up.” millac7
Another User Comments:
“Gentle YTJ.
I get why you feel the way you do.
Truly I do. I don’t blame you one bit. I’d be furious as well. But here’s the thing: at the end of the day, it’s none of your business, and you’ve only made the situation worse by opening your mouth about it.
And I’m not suggesting the usual nonsense about ‘keeping the peace’ or ‘not rocking the boat’ or whatever.
But this isn’t yours to light into her about it. It’s between her, your brother, and your parents, who are adults and more than capable of speaking up for themselves. By getting involved and calling her awful names, you’ve taken it upon yourself to escalate a situation on their behalf, and that clearly wasn’t what they wanted. Again, they are grown adults, clearly very accomplished and capable given the kind of income they’ve earned, and they can decide for themselves how to handle this situation and a future daughter-in-law with questionable judgment.
It wasn’t for you to do on their behalf.
I considered saying ‘everyone sucks here’ because your future sister-in-law is clearly a handful. But honestly, while her reaction here is more than a little gross, she was allowed to have feelings, and she explained why she reacted the way she did.
I disagree with her, but she clearly wasn’t TRYING to be offensive… she just sounds childish. You went nuclear, in a situation that wasn’t about you.” FoolMe1nceShameOnU
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. You were 100% right about her, but because you escalated it, you’ve driven a wedge between your brother and the family at a time when he needs to trust you all.
This woman is terrible and he needs someone to compassionately discuss this relationship with him and hopefully open his eyes to how awfully she behaved.
Because she is a much larger, massive jerk. I cannot imagine being disappointed at receiving a 120k gift. That is so generous!! Your brother needs to watch out for this one, she will ruin his finances.
And I’m sorry that your parents would be at a financial loss if they break up. But she’s awful.” Unusual_Swordfish_89
11. AITJ For Embarrassing My Fiancé?
“I (26F) work full-time in pest control for my father’s company and part-time at a local hardware store.
My fiance (27M) works for the state government as an auditor. My fiance and I are currently living in a small townhome. My fiance loves to cook and will buy most of the groceries. I help out with bills, rent, and cleaning the townhome. My fiance grew up not knowing how to do common household cleaning.
His mother did all of the cleaning and household chores. I taught my fiance how to use a mop and washer and dryer. He does help sometimes with the laundry and cleaning. There are times when I had jobs late in the evening and would come home to dishes in the sink and a small mess in the kitchen.
I have asked my fiance if he would be willing to clean up after himself and he says honey, you do such a great job at keeping the home clean. I don’t want to mess up anything.
My fiance had a few friends over to play some video games and I was in the kitchen cleaning.
One of his friends comes out of the bathroom yelling that the toilet was overflowing and water was flowing over the bowl. My fiance quickly gets up and grabs the plunger, but causing more water to flow out. I run into the basement and turn the water off. I grab some towels and start cleaning the mess up as my fiance goes back to finish the movie.
One of his friends stays behind to help with the cleaning when I hear my fiance call to him saying hey, come finish the game. She does not need any help. His friend gives me a look and goes back to playing the game.
The food is delivered and everyone comes into the kitchen to grab a slice.
The same friend asks my fiance if he ever helps with any of the cleaning around the house. He shakes his head and says no, OP enjoys doing it and I do the cooking and grocery shopping. It keeps everyone happy. I grab my food and say yes, I definitely enjoy cleaning a two-floor townhouse all by myself.
It’s unfortunate that my fiance does not know how to clean up after himself. His friends start laughing and I could see my fiance’s face turning bright red. When his friends left, my fiance starts yelling at me that I completely embarrassed him in front of his friends and being an unappreciative partner.
His mother heard what happened to him and she did let me know that it was a women’s responsibility to do the cleaning and grocery shopping. She even suggested that I quit both of my jobs and stay at home.
AITJ for embarrassing my fiance in front of his friends?”
Another User Comments:
“Of COURSE you’re NTJ. Your fiance, however, is a massive one, who basically chased after the opportunity to make himself look bad here. I mean:
He actively discouraged his clearly thoughtful friend from helping you clean up a huge mess and then doubled down on making himself look awful by telling his friends that you ENJOY cleaning the house, moments after you had to mop up an overflowing toilet that he made worse.
I’m not saying that there aren’t people who find their zen in household chores to some extent, but there’s not an adult in the world who, at that moment, would have looked at the situation and genuinely thought, ‘Oh yes, this is her happy place,’ much less SAID IT OUT LOUD.
Your partner said something utterly and completely ludicrous, and every one of his friends knew it. You just underlined it, and you’re not a jerk for that.” FoolMe1nceShameOnU
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but I think you need to have some serious talks with your fiance about what you’re expecting your marriage with him to look like — because it would be very unfortunate if he turns out to be one of those guys who makes an effort to impress when you’re together/engaged, but then turns super traditional once the vows are said.
You’re already going to be battling some indoctrinated beliefs that cleaning and household management is ‘women’s work,’ and unless he actively fights that indoctrination, it will be all too tempting for him to slide back into what’s comfortable.
Also, I hope you had some harsh words for him opting to involve his mother in a relationship disagreement between the two of you.
In my opinion, when an adult partner has the habit of running to Mommy and Daddy every time they have a disagreement with their SO, it’s red flag city.” AccessibleBeige
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but your fiance is a huge jerk and his friends know it too now. It’s obvious the friend was trying to work out how your fiance could treat you like the maid and still not get his bottom kicked to the curb when asking your fiance if he helped with cleaning at all.
The friend was gently prodding to see if you guys share the chores differently or have some other arrangement, which you don’t. Given his mother’s reaction, I’d say it’s time to cut your losses because he (and his mother) want a traditional stay-at-home and raise the kids and wife which doesn’t look like what you’re looking for.” FBB7943
10. AITJ For Firing My Brother's Significant Other Over The Phone?
“I (35F) am the owner of a coffee shop. Linda (23F) is one of my employees who joined six months ago. Four months ago, she met my older brother (37M) and they started going out. Ever since they started going out, Linda has been acting like she owns the place.
She never comes on time, and treats my other employees rudely. Every time I scold Linda, I end up receiving a call from my brother telling me not to pester his partner.
Recently, I’ve had enough. She’s been shirking her responsibilities lately. Even after the holiday period ended, she chose not to show up.
I called her up today, and she told me that she didn’t feel like coming in. I told her that I’d had enough and that I was finally going to fire her. I told her we only needed diligent employees here, and that she was clearly not one of them.
Hours later, my brother stormed into my house, cursing and yelling at me for firing his partner. My husband kicked him out of the house, and I was honestly so annoyed.
My parents think I’m a jerk for firing my brother’s partner and for kicking my brother out of our house.
AITJ?
Update: I received a call from my brother, who is very mad as Linda has dumped him. He says that had I not fired Linda, he wouldn’t have gotten dumped. To a certain degree, that may be true. However, if I hadn’t fired Linda, that would have only been disadvantageous for my coffee shop business.
I think this makes things very clear now. LOL.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Firing over the phone isn’t fun, but… it’s not significantly different than firing in person. This isn’t a breakup, you don’t deserve a face-to-face chat (not even every relationship requires that).
How you did it doesn’t matter, they’re just mad you did it at all.
Your brother is being a jerk, your former employee is being a jerk… you’re not a charity, you’re a business owner… they crossed the line into the treacherous ground when they started going out and then crossed the line repeatedly by him injecting himself into employment matters and her trying to take advantage of you because she thought she had an in.
Frankly, this was doomed to end badly no matter what the moment they hooked up.” MCRemix
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here – Quite obviously you are not the jerk for firing Linda. It should have been done months ago. However, the very first time your brother called you talking about Linda’s work discipline, you should have told him it’s none of his business and then never entertained that type of call again.
And you should not have let it affect her employment status. Your employees deserve better than to have to put up with a coworker who is rude to them and creates a burden for them by not being there on time for her assigned shifts and doing her assigned work when she is.
Linda, your brother, and your parents suck much more here though, in case that wasn’t clear.” Cambridge_Comma
Another User Comments:
“All you’ve done is take your brother’s request to heart, and ensure that you will have no reason at all to ‘pester’ his partner when she can’t be bothered to show up for work.
Another User Comments:
NTJ
And when she can’t be bothered to show up, that impacts on the shop and your other employees. None of whom would likely get as much leniency as Linda got.
Linda is clearly a jerk for her (lack of) work ethic, and her brother is a jerk too for not stopping to think of exactly why his SO got fired but instead leaping to the defense of his b**b supply.
If you have any records, I would be very tempted to run your parents through the past record and explain exactly why she’s been let go, because one of the things that makes coffee shops work, is that they have human beings there who make the coffee. Suspect they are likely to be more rational once they have both sides of the story.” ieya404
9. AITJ For Calling Out My Partner's Rudeness?
“My (F25) partner (F30) does something I consider really rude, but I understand it is most likely a difference in our habits.
Whenever someone calls when we go out, whether as a couple or to visit friends, she has to answer the phone and talk for (in my opinion) long periods of time.
A few examples of this:
We went to visit our friends (another couple), and one hour into our visit, her mom called and she went into their bedroom without asking to continue talking on the phone. After the first half hour, I thought something was wrong, so I got worried and went in to see if she was alright.
She waved me away with a smile and continued talking. She spent at least another 45 minutes on the phone while I sat and chatted with our friends. I thought this was super awkward since she didn’t ask and also this was time we were supposed to spend with them.
It started getting late and they were tired, but they were too polite to ask me to go get my partner to leave to let them rest.
Afterward, I told my partner and she agreed not to do it again. I said it was fine to answer and just say she’ll call back later, but having a full conversation in the middle of plans is rude.
Again, she was at a family dinner and stepped away to answer a phone call from a friend. She went upstairs to the guest bedroom and we could all hear her pacing down the hallway and laughing and talking loudly. This continued for 20 minutes before I text her saying my siblings were leaving to go home.
She read it and said ‘okay I’ll be down, just talking to Patty,’ and the pacing and talking continues. Half an hour later she finally came downstairs.
I told her again that she should just say she’ll call them back later when we’re out or have plans unless it’s an emergency.
She called me a jerk and said I’m being controlling. AITJ?
EDIT: ‘She went into their bedroom without asking to continue talking on the phone’ is referring to asking permission from the hosts to enter their bedroom. I’m a very private person, so it baffled me that she could just nonchalantly walk into their room and close the door without a second thought.
My partner does not have social anxiety or ADHD. She’s normally (outside of this) very engaged and outgoing during social situations. To clarify, these are (now) mutual friends that I introduced to her and my relatives in these two scenarios, however, they are both casual events where she was under no expectation to come, but said she wanted to and was excited to see them.
I told her it makes me feel very awkward and uncomfortable because everyone else (including me) is just left in limbo until her phone call ends. She said that it was just a phone call, and everyone can continue to chat without her. I told her that while that’s true, I’m also afraid that we’re putting the hosts in an uncomfortable position.
She asked what I want her to do about it since it was rude for her to ignore her calls, and I suggested that she answer the phone to see what was going on, and if it was not urgent then say she can call them back later. She said this is fine but has continued to have long conversations because she says it gets ‘carried away.’ She has stopped doing this on dates as far as I know, though it could be just that no one’s called her.
In our most recent conversation, she called me a jerk because she thinks I am taking this too seriously and that I’m the only one making a big deal out of it.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
That is just generally considered to be rude by a lot of people regardless of familial differences or different upbringings.
If you’re making plans to visit and spend time with friends or family, it should be treated the same as going to work – you don’t take hour-long personal calls when you’re at work.
In essence, what she’s doing is implying to those family members or friends that she considers whoever is calling her much more important than the people in front of her and that she does not respect their time at all.
If it was an emergency, then that call would absolutely become the most important thing and she should become entirely focused on that call, but that’s not what’s happening.
Perhaps try to explain it to her by saying ‘How would it make you feel if your friend/s came over to visit, and they decided to spend all of their time on the phone with their mum just chatting instead of spending that time with you like they promised?’.
You are not being rude or a jerk by asking her to be respectful; especially since you’ve already talked about it with her, at which point she admitted that she wouldn’t do it again – and then she proceeded to do it again. Communication is one of the most important things in a relationship and you should feel 100% comfortable in being able to tell her when you think she’s being rude or disrespectful (whether intentional or not), and if you’re not comfortable doing that or she’s not able to take feedback or criticism from her partner then that is something you guys absolutely need to work on.” User
Another User Comments:
“Rude and inconsiderate behavior. She has no manners.
Soon she will not have any friends and will not be invited out anywhere, and she’ll wonder, why doesn’t anybody want to meet up with me?
Well, it’s because you come to people’s houses to visit and you rudely leave for up to 45 min on a phone call, and on top of that, you enter their private rooms. Guests don’t wander around a person’s home, especially their bedroom.
If I had a friend over and they went into my bedroom to have a 45 min conversation I would be livid. I’m not sure if I would ask them to leave my bedroom and find somewhere else to have their ‘important’ conversation or if I would just fume about it and not invite them over anymore.
NTJ
You could always ask a couple over to your house and ask one of the couples to do the same thing. Waltz into your bedroom and have a long loud conversation and see how your SO likes it.” hecknono
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your partner is unbearably rude. Really this is not how to treat people.
When my phone rings I can answer it OR I can send an automatic text back that says I can’t talk. Another option is for she can turn off notifications or put her phone aside.
How would she feel if someone did this to her?
That’s like that awful call-hold thing on my phone I never learned to use.
Do you know why? Because it’s super rude to be talking to someone and then put them on hold to talk to someone else. She’s putting herself over everyone else.
I’m truly gobsmacked over her being a guest at someone’s house only to disappear when something better comes along like a phone call from another friend.
Here’s what your partner is telling you when she does this – this other person is more important than you. And the most important person of all? Your partner because she’s allowed to keep everyone on a string because they’re too polite to call her on it.
You are NTJ. But your partner is super rude. I might not boot her out of my house because it would feel rude on my part. But it would be a cold day in the underworld before she got invited back.” Advanced-Extent-420
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It’s hard to remember this sometimes, but going out is at least partly about learning whether someone is compatible with us for the long term, including shared or aligned values.
OP, you gave your partner the benefit of the doubt when you talked to her about it the first time. She hasn’t come to you and said that she really does want to prioritize guests but her ADHD gets in the way so could you please help her be mindful (which might be something you don’t want the responsibility for)?
No, she’s gone ahead and continued to behave in a way aligned with what and who she values. Is that attractive to you? Is it something you’re willing and able to embrace and consider a quirk that doesn’t bother you?
This is telling you something fundamental about your partner and how she moves through the world.
Maybe one more discussion from a values perspective, on how this makes you think less of her and you don’t want to think less of her. But then it’s her choice — you cannot control this behavior without controlling your partner.
You would be a jerk if you get controlling or resentful.
But as it stands, you are NTJ for imploring your partner to act right. (Your subject line put my back up; you don’t tell your partner what to do or say, period. But your post makes it sound like you told her what you think she should do and asked her to change, and that’s fine.)” Alone-Goose7454
8. AITJ For Making A Comment About Eating Ice Cream?
“Every year, my (15f) extended family goes away for a vacation during Christmas/New Year, usually just to a ski resort nearby (we’re from a snowy region). But we weren’t able to go last year because of the crisis so this year we decided to go somewhere warmer, so we ended up going to California, which I was really excited about.
I’m also a pretty serious athlete. I run cross country in the fall, play basketball in the winter, and run track in the spring, and I’m looking to go to college for running so I can get an athletic scholarship. I was supposed to go to a few workouts with the basketball team over break but I couldn’t because we went to California so my coach told me to do the workouts on my own while I was away.
We had a pretty packed schedule on the trip so I normally worked out early in the morning at the hotel gym for the first few days and nobody had an issue with it. But on the 6th day of the trip, I slept in a little later than usual before I went for a run, and when I got back, everyone else was already eating breakfast. My brother asked me where I went, I said I went for a jog, he laughed at me for working out when we were on vacation, and then (here’s the part I feel terrible about) I made a comment that was like ‘Coach would kill me if I’m out of shape when I get back, I gotta work off all the ice cream we’re eating somehow.’
At this moment, my cousin ‘Katie’ (16f) stood up from the table and went to the bathroom, and slammed the door. Her mom, my aunt ‘Emily’ gave me a dirty look and ran after her. Aunt Emily then pulled me aside later to tell me that Katie had been struggling with an eating disorder lately and that the comment I made was really triggering to her.
She said I had ruined the whole family vacation, and told me I ‘shouldn’t make such a big deal out of exercising in the first place’ because it could make other people feel bad about themselves. I felt awful because I hadn’t meant to hurt her, and looking back, I never would have said anything like that if I knew Katie wasn’t doing well (I apologized to Katie later but she just told me to leave her alone).
While Aunt Emily was talking to me, my dad (Aunt Emily’s brother) stepped in and said I had done nothing wrong, and Aunt Emily said that I’m insensitive and need to think before I speak, and it turned into a whole argument that really ruined the vacation. We ended up cutting it 3 days short and returning home.
My dad still insists I did nothing wrong but I feel like such a jerk. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your brother actually brought up your running and teased you about doing it on vacation. He isn’t a jerk either. If your cousin is this sensitive and easily triggered, she needs to be under professional care and probably in-patient.
I’m certain had you or your brother known, neither of you would have made any comments. And, how is she dealing with watching TV or movies or listening to music without being constantly triggered if she is that sensitive? You are NTJ. Your cousin needs some intensive help.” TacoCat106
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your aunt tried to engage you in codependent dynamics. It’s good that your dad stepped up to set boundaries for you.
You did not know that Katie had an eating disorder. You could not have known that it would trigger her without key information that was not shared with you.
That would have been your aunt’s responsibility to have shared that prior to the trip so the family could be aware and practice some sensitivity. The amount of anger and blame she directed at you, is not a healthy behavior. It is not your responsibility to read other people’s minds or tiptoe around to manage other people’s emotions.
That would be unhealthy for you to learn.
Regarding your comment – I would suggest working on dismantling comments like these within yourself – not because they’re insensitive but because it will be helpful for you as well to talk positively about yourself and your body. I think when you made the comment, it likely came from a defensive place and you deflected a little.
If you can work on this, in the future when a similar situation arises and someone is teasing you – you can respond with ‘I work out because being physically active feels good for me. I have goals that include getting an athletic scholarship for college, and meeting those goals is important to me.
I’m willing to set aside dedicated time towards those goals even during vacation because I’m investing in my future.’
It will set down your boundaries, and avoid any potential misunderstandings or triggers.” Kawaiidumpling8
7. AITJ For Backing Out Of A Trip With My Friends?
“I will try to make this short, and I know the title makes me sound horrible!
Myself (21f) and two friends, Becky (21f) and Anna (21) all decided that we wanted to plan a trip to Las Vegas. We spent months planning out the trip, but didn’t commit to anything where we would need a deposit or reservation to, other than the hotel. Becky put her credit card on hold for it, and we would just give her funds before they charged her at the hotel.
About 2 weeks before our travel date, I get a text from Becky telling me that she has good news. Anna has a new partner and she invited him on our trip. Now we could save by splitting the hotel room by four people instead of three. I immediately told her I wasn’t comfortable staying in a hotel room with a guy I didn’t know, and I was surprised they already trusted someone she just started seeing.
Becky and Anna told me that I was making a big deal out of nothing, and that he already booked his flights so it was too late for him to cancel. I still told them I wasn’t comfortable with it, and they kept trying to make me feel more comfortable, saying we should all to go out for a drink first. Anna said she knew some friends of his, so she trusted that he wasn’t a bad guy.
They said I was hurting his feelings by making this an issue.
After going back and forth about it all day, I decided to tell them that I would not be going on this trip anymore because I don’t want to stay in a hotel room with a guy I don’t know.
If he was in another room, I wouldn’t mind, but I don’t want to be sleeping a few feet away from him in a city I’ve never been to. They completely stopped talking to me and went on the trip as planned.
The trip looked fun from the pictures they posted, and I was happy they had a good time.
As soon as they returned from the trip, Becky showed up to my job and pulled me aside. She told me that I still owed her for my portion of the hotel room that they booked. They still all decided to split it 4 ways, even when they knew I wasn’t going.
I told her that I couldn’t talk about it at work, but I don’t think I should have to pay if I didn’t go. The original plan was to split it 3 ways, and I wasn’t costing anyone anything since I never agreed to the forth person. Becky’s dad is a lawyer, and she reminded me of that before leaving.
Now I’m a little worried and wondering if I was being the jerk or if I should just pay her to avoid it escalating.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
What the heck? You were planning to split it 3 ways originally, so say it was $300 and you each pay $100. Then the new partner comes along so each person would pay $75, EXCEPT they decided to just invite him on the trip, sharing a hotel room with other young women who may or may not be comfortable with it.
You weren’t comfortable, so you decided to back out. They go on their trip with the 3 of them, so we’re back to the original $100 per person. No one is paying more than they initially committed to.
THEN she comes to your workplace and demands you contribute for a trip you didn’t go on but more importantly, they didn’t lose anything.
Again, what the heck? These people don’t sound particularly kind or understanding.” Brave_Fennel_6476
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. So what if Becky’s dad is a lawyer? The original “contract” was to split the hotel room three ways. When Becky tried to renegotiate the terms and make it a four-way split, you walked away from the trip leaving only 3 people involved. There is nothing she can do.
You did not use the room, you did not go on the trip, and you did NOT agree to a four-way split. You do not owe her anything and she can take her passive-aggressive my dad’s a lawyer threat and stick it where the sun doesn’t shine.” stasiasmom
Another User Comments:
“NTJ because the deal changed. You said you would put your funds towards the three of you ladies going on this trip, she then tried to ambush you on short notice saying that she had invited another person, making the deal void.
But you do need to look at this and note that it was intentional. She wanted to go on a trip with her partner, and the cost she was willing to take to make it cheaper for them was having some other people along.
Her noting to you that her father is a lawyer is her absolutely threatening you. But she has no grounds because you didn’t go on the trip because she changed the deal. Cut contact with her immediately but take screenshots of all of the conversations y’all had about this just in case.” JCBashBash
6. AITJ For Letting My Partners Take Care Of My Nephew?
“I am a man in a serious polyamorous relationship with two partners who live with me, I’ve been in a relationship with one ill call Sarah for 5 years, and another ill call Mia for 3 years.
I have two brothers but only one is important to this story who ill call Frank. Frank was pretty against me being in this relationship when Mia entered it, he called it weird and exploitative, and immoral. he would make little jokes and quips about it to me until one day I got sick of it and sat him down and basically laid down the law about it.
told him that Sarah and Mia are the loves of my life and we work so well together and I’m truly happy being with them and if he can’t respect that and accept me AND my partners, I wouldn’t be speaking to him anymore as his disrespect is actively hurting me and my family.
Frank was resistant at first in the conversation but as we went on he softened up and told me he was just worried about me, but he would do his best to accept me and change his behavior.
Frank asks me to babysit my nephew Gumby (who is 4) every once in a while and I’m more than happy to because I love Gumby and so do my partners.
Frank dropped off Gumby the other day and we were playing Mario party with Sarah while Mia was upstairs doing some work. We finished the game and I had to go do some grocery shopping so I asked Gumby if he wanted to come with me and he said: ‘No I wanna stay here with aunt Sarah!’ I asked Sarah if she was okay watching him on her own and she said, ‘yeah sure’.
I had never left Gumby with just my partners before but I didn’t really think anything of it so I popped upstairs, told Mia what was going on, and went to get the groceries. Came home and we played some more Mario party until Frank came to get him.
Then a few hours later I get an angry phone call from Frank asking me why I abandoned my nephew with my mates.
I was pretty shocked and asked him what he meant, he said that he was asking Gumby what he did at my house over dinner and Gumby told him that I left to go get groceries and left him with Sarah. I said ‘yeah. I did that. so what?’ and Frank went off on me about how he left Gumby to be babysat by ME., not anyone else.
Especially by ‘some strange women I hang around with’ and I got really angry at that and started yelling at him, he was yelling at me. Until he ended the call with ‘you’re never seeing Gumby again. You’re lucky I don’t call the cops on you for leaving my son in a dangerous situation like this’ and he hung up.
So I don’t know. I figured I would ask here. Should I have been more careful? Am I the jerk for this?
EDIT: The rough timeline of Frank’s jokes/rudeness is that Sarah and I got together. We dated exclusively for about 3 months and she expressed interest in polyamory and I was open to it.
So we started bringing other people into the relationship casually. Then Sarah reconnected with her old classmate and crush Mia. Mia was casually invited into the relationship and things were so good we kept wanting to see her until we all had a talk and became an official couple and moved in together soon after.
I started bringing both Sarah and Mia to family parties and get-togethers and that’s when Frank started ramping up the hostility and jokes. Before that, it was just playful jokes here and there that I didn’t care about. But this was openly hostile. So after the second family party, which happened at was when we had that talk and Frank seemed to genuinely apologize to me, Sarah, and Mia and made an effort to accept me and get to know them at least casually.
So we thought he had changed and accepted us or at least began to make an effort almost three years ago. Maybe 2 and a half at the very least.
EDIT 2: I’ve decided that I’m going to call Frank and apologize for not giving him a heads-up that I was running to the store and leaving Gumby with Sarah and Mia.
It would have been good to do that regardless of his feelings about my relationship. A quick text giving him a heads up. That’s all. But I’m also going to let him know that what he said on that phone call was deeply hurtful to my partners and me. Even if it came from a place of parental panic or anger.
He still said what he said and it’s clear those thoughts and feelings were in him already and he used them to try to hurt me.
So I’m going to ask him not to bring Gumby by for a while to babysit because he clearly doesn’t trust or respect my partners and me.
And I can’t allow that into my home even if I love Gumby so much and want to spend time with him. we can talk about it and try to move past this. But he’s lost a great deal of trust, respect, and progress in accepting me and my partners and he is going to have to work very hard if he wants a relationship with me again.
And if he can’t accept that, I’m going little to no contact.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’ve been in both relationships for a good long time, both women count as serious partners in my book. It’s not like you left the kid with a flavor of the week or some random person you’d just met.
I highly doubt he would’ve minded if it’d been just you and Sarah but your brother obviously doesn’t care about your happiness. Your brother is just disrespectful and it’s sad but some people are better to let go. I’m sorry about that.” Clear_Detail_9121
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Your bro’s attitude towards your relationship does suck, but regardless of the reasons, when any parent entrusts their child to you, it’s to YOU. He does have a right to not be ok with you leaving his child with anyone else. Period.
That said, I’m betting that were you in a ‘conventional’ relationship with just one partner, he probably wouldn’t have cared if you left him with your partner, especially if he knew them.
So while he absolutely is right about your being the one to watch his child, let’s not pretend that he isn’t the jerk for his attitude towards your relationship.” SetiG
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But could be a soft ‘everyone sucks here’. You’re not a jerk because you didn’t put your nephew in danger and you left only for a short time.
Your brother’s reaction was over the top. However, as a parent, it can be unsettling to find out the person who you thought was watching your kid, wasn’t actually watching your kid. I get that you weren’t gone long and trusted Sarah to manage Gumby ok while you were gone, but you should have run that by your brother at some point.
Just a ‘hey, quick question, if Gumby is here and I need to run to the store or something, is it ok to leave Gumby with Sarah or do you want me to keep him with me?’.
You wouldn’t think anything of it, but parents can be weird about that sometimes.
Full disclosure: I’m a parent, and the first time it happened to me I was uncomfortable with it. I didn’t go nuclear on the family member though. I just asked that they let me know next time. That’s why your brother is a jerk. His reaction is much too severe.” Abject_Researcher_12
Another User Comments:
“You left him with Aunt Sarah who he has known his entire life. Does your brother have any other issues with Sarah and Mia beyond the fact that they are both in a relationship with you? If he dislikes them so much, why would he have his son stay with you knowing they would both be there?
Seeing as nothing bad happened to his son, a more reasonable response would be to tell you that moving forward he doesn’t want you leaving his son alone with them. Something is missing from this story because his reaction is over the top. What was dangerous about leaving Gumby with them?
Were illegal stuff or drinking involved? Does he think they’d expose his child to wild acts? Either your home is safe enough for his child with you and all the inhabitants or it’s not. Did your brother tell you why he felt his son wasn’t safe with Aunt Sarah and Mia?
Why is he saying his son was in a dangerous situation? These women have been with you for years, are not strangers to his son, and he refers to Sarah as family. But, you know how much he dislikes them.
Everyone sucks here.” Ema630
5. AITJ For Being Mad At My Mom For Adopting My Ex-Wife?
“My ex-wife Tara (F32) and I (M36) were together for 8 years and married for 5. My wife’s biological family passed away when she was very young, she was in and out of the foster care system for most of her childhood but was never adopted, and therefore never had a family.
Tara always had a really great relationship with my mom, often saying how my mom (F61) was like the mother she never had. My mom also joked a few times about how if we weren’t married, she would adopt Tara. I never thought much of these jokes, because I never fathomed it would actually happen.
Tara and I divorced 2 months ago after I found out she was having an affair for 4 months. I won’t go into details, but it was messy. I decided I want nothing more to do with her. My mom was devastated. She has still kept in contact with Tara (who is now with the guy she had an affair with) I find this a bit disrespectful, but there’s not much I can do.
Last week she invited me over saying she needs to talk to me about something. She told me that after many extensive discussions with Tara, she is planning to adopt her, to ‘give her the family she never had.’ I admit I lost it a bit. I flipped out on her and called her a trashy mother for putting my ex-wife – who fooled me – over her own son.
I stormed out.
She called me yesterday and asked if I’d cooled down, which I had. I apologized for calling her a trashy mother but said my stance was the same. I said how the idea of my ex-wife being my sister made me very uncomfortable, especially having to explain it to others.
I said I no longer want to have a connection with Tara, and making us literal siblings forces me to (she disagreed with this.) She said I was being insensitive, that Tara has never had a family etc. I told her if she chooses to adopt Tara, I would have to go no-contact with her for my own sanity.
She started crying, called me a jerk, and said I was emotionally blackmailing her.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Adopting someone makes them a legal heir. There is no way to keep you separate. You will have to deal with Tara when your mother can no longer make decisions for herself.
Your mother‘s estate would also be split between you and Tara as her legal heirs. If your mother doesn’t have designated power of attorney documents, you will have to negotiate with Tara over your mother‘s affairs.
There is no reason for a formal adoption other than to make someone a legal heir.
Tara can be her bonus daughter in name only, and be treated just like a daughter without formally adopting her. Your mother could also leave something in her will for her if she chooses.
You and your mother should sit down with a lawyer to understand the ramifications of this.
By the way, it is completely unfair to you that your mother is doing this. I would suggest that she needs some other friends and more activities to do because she seems to have latched onto Tara like an emotional support human… You might want to get some of your family involved to help your mother find new people and activities to occupy her.” Buttercup303
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. WHAT??? I’ve seen some messed-up stories here but I think this one takes the cake
What kind of mum decides to adopt their son’s ex-wife? And what sort of person decides they want to become SIBLINGS with their EX-HUSBAND?
There is either some ulterior motive behind this (eg: monetary, or to hurt you further.) OR both your mum and ex-wife need some serious help.
I’m really sorry OP, they have made a trashy situation a thousand times worse for you and you shouldn’t have to go through this.
A final word of caution: the whole deal with the ’emotional blackmailing’ seems extremely manipulative and quite like gaslighting. Going no contact with someone who wants to ADOPT YOUR LYING EX-WIFE is a perfectly reasonable boundary to set.
Don’t let her make you believe otherwise. SHE is the one putting YOU in a trashy situation here, don’t let her twist it and make you think otherwise” Not_entirely_sure__
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your own lying ex-wife has always been your mother’s favorite. From reading your comments you say your mother has always overlooked Tara’s mistakes.
Simply put your mother prefers Tara to you.
You’ve been upfront about your boundaries and your mother is playing the victim because she’s not getting what she wants. Honestly at this stage at least reducing contact is likely for the best regardless of what happens.
It’s an awful situation but honestly, I’d inform the family of what’s occurring and state if this goes ahead, if your mother ever brings Tara to anything, you’ll be leaving.
If your mother wants a daughter so badly then she can have a daughter, and nothing else.” Dangerfyeld
4. WIBTJ If I Ban My Sister From My House?
“I have 4 sisters, 2 are full b***d and 2 are half-sisters. One of my full-b***d sisters has ADHD and Asperger’s Syndrome. I myself have ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder), so we sort of relate on the autism spectrum.
Her problem is that she destroys pretty much everything she touches. She takes stuff apart and doesn’t think about anyone’s feelings if someone else besides her owns that thing.
Now she’s put holes in the crotch area of 3 pairs of my pajama pants, and they’re pretty big holes too, all because she saw a string there, and she’s taken the stitching out of sleeves and the bottoms of a lot of my shirts.
On another occasion, she’s taken apart a mini witch voodoo doll keychain that I got from a mall in Pueblo and it was really special to me. And just recently she took apart this little wooden holder for a mini-moon lamp I had, but thankfully I could put that back together.
Her excuse is always ‘I couldn’t help it’ or she just says ‘Well’ and has this look on her face and she can’t think of anything else to say.
I don’t have a place of my own yet because my job situation is not the best (I work 3 hours per day for 5 days a week, I’m trying to get a second job) but I don’t think it’d be a good idea if she really ever comes to my place when I get one because I know she’ll find one thing after another to destroy and some of those things may be irreplaceable.
So, I want to know, would I be the a jerk if I banned her from coming to my place if she ever decided to come to my place?
Edit because I forgot to mention this: She lives with our dad and stays in her room watching TV most days and she doesn’t have any sort of job or anything like that.
Yes, she’s an adult, she just chooses to stay home and not do anything besides watch TV in her room. I live with our mom right now but I have a sort of stable job and am trying to find a place as I mentioned before.
Update: So, I’m close to getting a house (thank god) but my mom and I have to wait 2 weeks to go look at it because the owner’s daughter (or daughter-in-law) is really sick.
And my mom’s going with me because I can’t drive (no driver’s license and I’m going blind in one eye, the other eye goes blurry every so often so I’d be more of a hazard driving)”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. First and foremost, you gotta make sure your personal space is safe for you and your stuff.
‘I can’t let anyone who destroys my things into my space’ is not just a reasonable boundary, I’d argue it’s a necessary one. No one should let anyone into their home who cannot or will not respect their property. Furthermore, the destructive party should apologize and offer to repair or replace what they have damaged.
That being said, I do think your sister could benefit from some kind of fidget made with the express purpose of being taken apart. Heck, it doesn’t even have to be a fancy toy. Based on your examples, pulling at threads seems to be a big one for her; a tangled skein of yarn could be a perfect redirection.
You aren’t obligated to do anything, but if you otherwise have a good relationship with your sister and don’t want to have to ban her from spending time with you in your home, a few buck’s worth of craft supplies might just fix the problem. I’d say something like: ‘Look, I know it’s difficult for you not to pick stuff apart, but it hurts me when you do it to my stuff and I can’t keep letting it go; next time you get the urge to pick at something, could you try with the yarn and see if that works?’ If it does, keep a few colors on hand when you move out for when she visits.
If she still goes after your stuff, enforce the boundary.
If you don’t have a great relationship with her and don’t want her in your space anyway… Well, you have a reasonable boundary that she, unfortunately, has already proven she cannot or will not follow, so you have to put your foot down.
How sad, you’ll just have to wait to see each other at family events outside your home, maybe meet up for coffee when your schedule clears up, that sort of thing. This is all very genuine remorse and you are not secretly elated at having an excuse to put some distance between you, of course.” dovahqueer
Another User Comments:
“Your next gift idea for her: a sewing kit (and hand her the latest item of your clothing she’s unraveled so she can repair it).
Sounds like a difficult compulsion she has. I wouldn’t worry about banning her now, as you don’t have a place of your own yet anyway.
Think about whether limiting her access might work. (I mean, don’t loan her clothing, don’t let her go through your things, keep her out of your bedroom, etc.).
It is time to start calling her out on this, however. She is old enough. She needs to be financially responsible for replacing/fixing what she destroys.
She can figure out where she’s going to get the money. NTJ.” ParsimoniousSalad
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I have ASD Level 1 (formerly known as Asperger’s) and I’ve never felt the need to utterly disrespect people’s property like that. If you’ve clearly explained how her actions affect you negatively, and she’s still doing this, she’s being deliberately rude.” OneSparedToTheSea
3. AITJ For Telling My Mom To Stop Buying Stuff For My Sister?
“I am getting married and my 19-year-old sister is being ridiculous. She is very jealous of the attention my fiancé is getting and trying to upstage her and compete.
This all started when I proposed. I saved for a while because my fiancée is a gorgeous girl and I wanted the ring to be really special. When we first saw my mom, she was showing it off and my sister got quiet and then left the room for a while.
She didn’t compliment it or say congratulations. At the next gathering with extended family, the ring got a lot of attention and my sister seemed sad. My mom ended up buying her a diamond bracelet with some sapphires. When I commented my mom said it just seemed fair because she has my stepdad to buy her jewelry, my fiancée has me, and my sister has no one.
Then my fiancée invited them both to wedding dress shopping. She said my sister was sulky at the appointment and kept saying she didn’t feel good and laying her head on my mom. My fiancée called my mom at some point to talk about colors and the family coordinating, and my mom said my sister already had a dress because she ‘couldn’t wait’ and showed us a very sparkly, very beaded lavender gown.
My fiancée told me she is familiar with that designer and my mom dropped some serious dough.
At the bridal shower, my sister was sulky again and refused to eat, so my mom took her and left to buy her frozen yogurt because she was ‘dizzy’ The final straw was the bachelorette party.
My sister and mom were invited to the dinner before the big party and my sister wanted a $200 lobster. my mom told her that was rude since my future MIL was paying, and then asked my MIL if it would be ok if she (my mom) paid for my sister’s dinner and bought her the lobster.
The bridesmaids were lightly teasing my sister about how she is going to have to be my fiancée’s slave the day of, and my mom snapped at them very harshly that my sister doesn’t have to do a thing. My sister ended up yelling that it is dumb that we are having so many parties (engagement, shower, bachelorette, and wedding, so pretty standard I think) She said we don’t need all of those parties and it is just an excuse for attention.
My fiancée was hurt and shocked.
I just found out that my mom threw a party for my sister the weekend after the bachelorette. She actually rented a beach house for my sister and her friends and paid for hair and makeup. To me that is crazy. I called my mom and we got into it, and I told her she is enabling my sister’s toxic jealousy and if she keeps it up, she won’t be invited to the wedding.
My mom didn’t say much but sent me an angry text about she has handed so much to me, and no one ever did that for her. She worked for her money and I will not tell her what to do with it. She can light it on fire if she wants to.
I haven’t responded. She also thinks this is fine and normal because my sister is going through a breakup.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your mom is right and she can spend her money how she wishes. She clearly chooses to use the money to buy love from your sister.
Your sister is throwing temper tantrums because things are not about her and your mom enables it.
100%.
I wouldn’t invite them to the wedding because I guarantee your sister will pout and sulk until she gets whatever she is after, and your mom will ignore your day and focus on your sister.
You and your other half deserve to have the day be about you, and not a 19-year-old who was never taught to share the spotlight.” cschmidtusa
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It is totally fair for you to expect your sister and mom to treat your fiancée respectfully and if that was the line you drew I’d say NTJ. But you didn’t even mention that – you just got mad because your mom is spoiling your sister.
It’s unclear to me how that has anything to do with you or your fiancée or how it affects you in any way. It may be trashy parenting but that’s not the question you came to ask.
Go to your mom and apologize and tell her what is the real problem you need her help with, and that is your sister being disrespectful to your fiancé (if that is happening, it was kind of unclear if she is being disrespectful or just generally childish and self-centered.) if she is just being a bit of a baby and not actually being rude or disrespectful then I think you need to let it go.
Not your kid, not your problem.” saurellia
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Are you sure your sister is 19? Because she is acting like she is 9.
Let me condense it. Your younger sister likely gets most of the attention at home. Someone else is getting more attention than her now (you/your fiance).
This made your younger sister so angry that she is PURPOSELY SABOTAGING all events by trying to act sick and make it so the attention is on her. Your mother is clearly the reason she is acting this way, she is funding a lavish dress and weekend for your younger sister.
My advice: Families get crazy around weddings. This wedding is about you and your fiance ONLY. I would personally not allow your mom/sister near the bride on the wedding day and set boundaries as soon as possible.
Edit: Don’t uninvite your mom. I’d have a very clear conversation with your mother and your sister that the behavior of your sister at these events has been strange at best (I’m more concerned about your sister’s behavior and not your mom spending her money on her) and you would like them to be supportive on your big day.
ESPECIALLY with your fiance.” Ednaelle
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
You have no right to tell your mom how to spend her money, if she chooses to spend it on your entitled, ungrateful, jealous and spiteful sister, so be it. The person you should be uninviting is your sister, because of how she has behaved and treated your fiance.
You also don’t want to risk her throwing a tantrum on your wedding day. If your mom sides with your sister and does not attend the wedding, so be it… but it will be her choice not to come to your wedding, so your conscience can be clear.
Your sister is something.
She shouldn’t be acting too badly and ruining what should be the best time of your and your fiancé’s life. She’s 19, not 9.
Your mom is enabling your sister, but that’s her choice. You shouting at her and threatening to withdraw your wedding invite will not change her behavior.” OK_LK
2. AITJ For Canceling My Dad's Costco Card?
“I currently have no relationship with my family. My dad is on my Costco card. I called him in Jan 2021 and told him that I was no longer interested in having a relationship with my mom after years of toxic nonsense but I still wanted a relationship with him.
He told me that was my choice and I have to live with it. I told him he would need to make an effort to have a relationship since I can’t call the house. My mom puts me on speakerphone and I want nothing to do with her. I have been the one to maintain contact with and visit the family for the past 14 years.
They don’t call me or visit. He has not contacted me except for Dec 24 to leave me a voicemail. He fulfilled his obligatory duty to call on a holiday. I did not answer.
I canceled his card because I don’t feel I owe him anything. He called me today and blew up b/c he went to get gas and his credit card (affiliated w/ the Costco membership) didn’t work.
He wanted to know if this was my doing. I told him that yes I took him off my account (this does not affect his credit he literally just needs to go sign up for his own Costco card). He’s not in my life. Hasn’t spoken to me since Jan 2021.
I owe him nothing. He said I should have told him and that I’m mean to everyone in the family (I guess I’m mean for standing up to my Narc Mom). He told me I no longer have a family. No loss really because they aren’t family to me based on how they treat me.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Small YTJ
You’re right in that you don’t owe him anything. And you are perfectly fine with canceling. But it can be quite dangerous for someone to get stranded without access to their funds. All you had to do is let him know.” User
Another User Comments:
“If your father is willing to cut off a relationship due to a Costco membership you are paying for – it is not a relationship worth having. I am sorry that your family behaves this way. You need to find people who will treat you better. My ‘found’ family gives me the love I need and treats me with respect.
I wish the same for you. NTJ, and good luck.” S************3
Another User Comments:
“YTJ because you should have let him know that you were removing him from your card, so he didn’t go try to buy stuff and then have it be rejected at the cashier (which is exactly what happened).
You knew that you removed him, and you knew that by not telling him, you were setting him up for an issue at the store/gas pump. Yeah, all he had to do is to get his own card, but he had no reason to do that yet because you didn’t tell him he needed to.
You should have given him a warning so something bad didn’t happen to him.
Sounds like you intentionally set him up as revenge. That makes you the jerk here.” Mopper300
1. AITJ For Refusing To Play At My Mom's Wedding?
“I (F18) was outed as a lesbian to my mom and dad when I was 15. After this, my dad reacted in a completely negative way – he called me slurs, threatened to kick me out, and more. My mother appeared to agree, did not defend me, and told me I was ‘being disgusting’ and that I’d ‘figure out what really matters’.
Within the next two years, however, my parents had divorced and my mom had fallen for a woman.
They are getting married soon, and I even had a hand in helping my mother work through her feelings. I am helping plan the wedding. I still feel resentful of the way I was treated, though, especially since she never apologized. I brought it up during a conversation about her wedding plans in the kitchen once, and she denied ever saying things like that and refused to apologize, saying instead that I was being ungrateful that I had family that accepted me.
(For context, every member of both my mom’s and her fiancé’s families accepted them.)
She wants me to play a love song I wrote about two women who fall in love despite their family’s disapproval of her wedding on my guitar, and in my anger, I refused to do so until she admitted and apologized for treating me poorly due to my gender.
I know it’s important to her that I am involved in her wedding, but I am furious and heartbroken that she won’t even acknowledge the things she said.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
While I completely get you wanting her to atone for her past, this is one of those moments you may need to look at your mom as a person and not your b***d.
She was in a relationship with your dad, obviously lying to herself about who she really was and wanted to love. It’s easy after years of being in that relationship to start to have Stockholm syndrome considering your dad’s reaction to you coming out.
Your feelings are valid though, and for you to heal fully from your coming out, your mom needs to really hold the mirror up to her face and think she really wasn’t very accepting of you at first.
Maybe pivot the dialogue that this can be a healing moment for both of you, but she needs to fess up.
25 years ago, my dad passed, and out of that, my mom found a woman she’s been with since. And me sitting there fuming as I was dealing with my own coming out and she stole my thunder.
Stick to your guns and say that to play requires you to hear her own up to her past statements.” TUFKAT
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Maybe she honestly doesn’t remember treating you that way. Or maybe she’s so embarrassed, considering how her own life turned out, that she’s hoping you’ll forget about her behavior.
You have every right to ask for and get an apology from her. Try talking to her one more time about how her lack of support, hurtful words, and refusal to defend you against your dad affected and is still affecting you. If you don’t want to play this song, especially this deeply personal song that belongs to you, then don’t.
Your mom abandoned you at a time when you needed her support. You don’t need to play your song to be involved in her wedding. You just have to be there, sounds like you’re already giving her more support than the teenage you needed from her.” lifewith6cats
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
If I were you (I’m an extremely vindictive person) I would accept to play and when the time came I would publically shame her at her wedding reminiscing all the stories of the past when she insulted/threatened/shamed me for being gay, repeating all the things she told me verbatim and then ask her if this is what she meant by when she says she was always accepting of me and my orientation.
I would let her partner know as well (not in private so she could warn her) what kind of a woman she is going to get married to. And then I would leave the remnants of destruction I caused and let the fire I created keep her icy heart warm.
Then I would walk out of that chaos of a wedding of that hypocrite and go back home, clean out my stuff and leave her to rot in the toxic household she had created alone after her fiance dumps her for being a two-faced lying hypocrite and ghost her forever.” stunkshoezz
I realised a few years ago that I had an eating disorder (stick with me here, this will make sense). I realised it because I had lost a few kilos, and mentioned it to my mum and dad. My dad's reaction was to say "well that's a start". I went home and ate EVERYTHING in my house. I realised then that I had a bit of a problem with food and my parents.
A bit later in the process of dealing with it, I spoke to my parents about it. I spoke about the fact that they had put me on diets when I was 12 years old and weighed 45 kg.
"Nonsense" said my mum "you are imagining it".
I was really upset for a while. Then I realised, they honestly did not remember any of it. For them it was a tiny thing in the fabric of a life where they had 6 kids one of whom was born with a disability that was going to kill her before her time.
It was a huge monster of a thing in my life, but not to them. They really didn't remember.
My parents are truly good people, and let's face it, none of us come born with a user manual. They did their best to be good parents.
I am not saying you are wrong in any way to feel how you feel. But don't let the past poison your future.
Best of luck.
