People Insist We Take Our Time To Judge Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
24. AITJ For Not Making My BIL The Waffles He Demanded?
“My SIL and her husband arrived last night. As we were helping them get their stuff into the guest room, her husband, who I’ve met like three times, said ‘waffles for breakfast would be great.’ I was a bit taken aback, but then I assumed it was a joke that didn’t land well.
We don’t have a waffle iron anyway.
I made the usual eggs, beans, and toast for breakfast. When SIL and her husband came in he frowned and asked where the waffles were.
I said I didn’t make any. He asked why. I was a touch annoyed and said this isn’t a restaurant. He said they are guests and their needs should be taken into account.
Then he said he was allergic to beans.
I asked why he didn’t tell me he was allergic to beans. He said he told me he wanted waffles and the reason why shouldn’t matter because they are guests.
My husband jumped in and said eat eggs and toast or go get breakfast elsewhere. He left with SIL. Did I break an etiquette rule? Was I a jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. What universe does this person live in where he thinks this is normal at all? Hospitality is one thing but guests are also expected to be polite and gracious.
I cannot imagine demanding a specific meal from a host that made 0 indication that they would be making me specialized meals.” maaya_the_bee
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – normally if someone has a serious allergy, they tell others as soon as possible but don’t order special food.
Sometimes they even bring their own food.
That’s how it’s done here.” thatsmonome
23. AITJ For Not Lending My Friend My Clothes?
“My friend is a photographer with her own studio. We haven’t communicated for over 2 years until she recently messaged me. She started off the message with casual greetings, and eventually, she expressed her disappointment over her business being cut short in 2020.
We concluded our conversation by saying we will plan to meet up soon.
3 days later, my friend messaged me again, saying she has a new client. I said that I was very happy for her and that it was an indication that her business would be fine.
She proceeded to ask me if I could do her a ‘huge favor’ and asked to borrow some of my dresses. I assumed it was for her client, and mentioned that all my dresses are somewhat form-fitting, and the client might not like the fit.
My friend said she already thought about that and will be using clips and making adjustments if necessary. I said that I would think about it and left the conversation.
I had previously lent her an item that came back with a broken zip, and she did not attempt to fix it.
The next morning, I got a message from my friend asking if I’d made up my mind.
I asked her which dresses she wanted to borrow. She responded that she’d come over to my place. When she came over to my place, she went straight to where my clothes are kept and started pulling them out and taking photos of them.
She also looked through some of my bags and shoes as well. I offered to make her some tea, but she said she couldn’t stay.
Later in the evening, I received a big list of everything she wanted to borrow, from clothing to bags.
I said I am happy to help, but since there are a lot of items she is borrowing, she needs to leave a security deposit. Afterward, she called me on the phone to say she is financially strained and cannot afford to pay a deposit.
I asked her when she would be needing them, and for how long. She started thanking me and said she would be arriving on the day to collect the things.
I felt like she hadn’t been forthcoming with me. I said that a small deposit or some sort of security arrangement would really help to ease my mind. She reassured me that she would return the things as they were.
I mentioned the broken zip which never got fixed, and she said that it was unfair of me to bring that incident up now since she had been waiting for me to come back to her with a quote to fix the zip, but I never did and she simply forgot about it.
She continued to say if I couldn’t trust her to return the items, why should she trust me to give her the deposit back when she returns the items? I told her I won’t be able to lend her any of my things and said bye before hanging up.
Later that day I noticed that she had defriended/unfollowed me on all my social media accounts. I haven’t tried messaging her since. Did I overreact? Is there any way I can mend the friendship, without having to lend her things?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She isn’t your friend, she is using you. Real friends don’t message you out of the blue after no contact for 2 years and jump straight into borrowing your stuff for free, especially when they have a history of damaging your stuff and not paying for the damages.
The fact that she turned the security deposit request back on you as ‘well, why should I trust you?’ when you’ve done nothing wrong is her last-ditch attempt to guilt and pressure you into doing what she wants.
You’re better off without her, don’t feel bad that she isn’t going to get away with using you for your belongings.” Sclerophyll
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She isn’t your friend.
She’s drowning and looking for someone to push underwater to keep herself afloat.
She is annoyed that you weren’t a sucker enough to let her use you. She has no use for you now so she’s defriended you and will look for some other mug instead.
Praise yourself for having the confidence and street smarts to follow your instincts when this thing smelt fishy.” tetsu_fujin
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m guessing she follows you through social media or something similar and sees your posts with your pretty dresses, shoes, etc.
In my honest opinion, she only ever contacted you to borrow your stuff. She never had an intention of spending time with you outside of picking up items and dropping them off.
She’s treating you like a free clothes hire business. You were right to ask for a security deposit and you were right to refuse to lend her things otherwise.” DictionaryStomach
22. AITJ For Not Going To My Grandpa's Funeral Service?
“I grew up in an extremely religious Mormon family in Utah. I became an atheist when I was 18 and moved away without really telling most of my extended family that I left the church.
Fast forward to last week and I got a call from my dad that my grandpa had passed away and that the funeral service was going to be on Jan.
8th. My partner and I had already been planning on visiting my parents so that he could see the snow and I could give my siblings their Christmas presents, and the 8th was included in that trip already, so I didn’t really think about it and said yes I would go to the service.
Then later I gave it a little more thought and realized that going to the funeral and all of the religious things that went along with it would trigger me because of all the religious trauma that came from my upbringing in the church.
After realizing this I texted my mom and told her that on second thought I didn’t feel comfortable going to the funeral, but that I would go to the luncheon afterward.
She was reluctant but understood, but then a few days later I got a text from my aunt blowing up and telling me how selfish it would be if I didn’t go just because I was ‘a little uncomfortable’ and that my grandpa would’ve been ashamed of me and things like that.
I now don’t even know if I want to go to any of the services at all, even though I loved my grandpa I don’t want to have to deal with any animosity from my family members.
If I was just ‘a little uncomfortable’ I would go, but ever since leaving the church even the thought of participating in anything religious makes me spiral down into a panic attack in a matter of seconds, and I know my family will want me to participate.
So please, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Including your aunt. Everyone is especially raw right now. I’m also a former Mormon. I’ve sucked it up and went to True Believing Mormon funerals because I loved the person.
Whatever you decide to do, I’m very sorry for your loss.” Sweet-Perspective442
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
As these religious fanatics are the same type that would not attend a wedding of a family member if they were gay because it ‘violates their religious views’.
Well, attending an overly religious funeral violates your religious (atheist) views.” TwoCentsPsychologist
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
And trust me when I say, your grandpa doesn’t care. (If your beliefs are right, he cannot.
If theirs, he knows what’s in your heart.)
There are many ways to honor the deceased. The best is to remember them and live based on the good lessons they imparted to you.” GreekAmericanDom
21. AITJ For Not Babysitting My Little Sister?
“I’m 19, and unfortunately, I still live with my parents.
I work primarily from home, mostly overnight to early mornings/early evenings.
Because my nights are often filled with work, I like to have a few hours in my days to myself.
However, I’m not able to due to my day starting abruptly at 7 am with my 3-year-old sister waking me up because my mom and dad are nowhere to be found.
My dad is at work, but my mom is out ‘running errands’.
I don’t ever mind watching my sister, but I don’t appreciate the attitude my mother has about me watching her.
She acts as if it’s something I owe her. She also never tells me in advance or asks what I have going on for the day. She just expects me to be okay with watching her because apparently, what she has to do is more important than what I have to do.
I understand some days she has appointments; usually to get her hair, eyelashes, or nails done, where she is not able to take my sister. But on other days when she’s able to take her, she doesn’t.
She doesn’t care that I have to work for half of the day, or that I have very important deadlines to meet. I can’t focus on the computer and be mindful of what my sister is up to.
When I call my mom to see where she’s at, she acts frustrated, like she’s being rushed. Then she rants about how no one appreciates her, and when she asks for something as small as babysitting, it’s an issue.
I do have it fairly easy. I don’t pay much in bills other than my phone bill and a small ‘contribution fee’ I give my mom to help out with the household.
The hours I don’t work, I don’t do anything she would consider to be productive, but it’s things I like/need to do. Her errands are normal things like going to the store or running to the bank and I understand how running them with a kid could be a lot so I again, never mind watching her but not ALL DAY!
Most days my mom is leaving at 8-9 am and then comes home at 5-6 pm. Whenever I try to speak up about it, she says I should be glad my sister is ‘all I have to worry about’ and that she was taking care of her brother and doing 10x more than me when she was my age.
Her brother was 12-13 when she was 19. Taking care of a pre-teen is a whole lot easier than taking care of a toddler.
My dad is no help either, he thinks I am the only one ‘capable enough’ to watch my sister so he’s constantly treating me like a third parent, even though I have my own things to do.
Also adding to my frustration is that I have a 17-year-old brother who my parents treat completely different than me. He gets to skateboard, play video games, and smoke in the garage all day.
He doesn’t help at all! He has no responsibility whatsoever and rarely gets repercussions for it, but I tell them I don’t feel like watching my sister and I’m the villain!?
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s not fair at all that your mom expects you to be a babysitter with basically no notice and no time frame. If they expect you to babysit because you are now an adult living basically free then I would ask that you all sit down and put together a babysitting schedule.
That way your mom can do her errands and you are able to schedule whatever you want on the days you’re off work and not babysitting. If you all can’t agree then I would start looking for other living arrangements.” goodn00dle
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It seems the OP’s parents are not organized and didn’t plan well for their third child.
How difficult could it be to have a sit-down and discuss chores and babysitting needs?
Let’s say the OP’s parents need 15 hours weekly for chores and babysitting. Equally distributed, that’s about 1 hour daily for the two siblings.
Can the siblings spare such time? Apparently, the OP’s good-for-nothing brother could contribute instead of smoking in the garage and playing video games.
Well, perhaps this brother has a hidden talent but right now, it is not about helping his next of kin so I still believe he’s good for nothing.
The OP’s parents should consider their teenage kids’ goals as well and not burden them with 15-hour home duties.
I think OP is already contributing to the house. If OP was living alone, OP will still have chores so I don’t see why this situation cannot be beneficial for everyone.
Things must be discussed, quantified, written down, and agreed on.” rho025
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Randomly start getting up at 6 am and go out for a few hours. Or stay over with a friend last minute.
Or tell your mother it has to stop, you aren’t even getting any sleep and you aren’t the child’s parent. And that if she keeps doing that, you will find a babysitter and leave your parents to handle the bills.
Where is your father on this? Is he supporting you? If not, maybe you need to drop the three-year-old at his office and make it his problem.” LivSaJo
20. WIBTJ If I Go To A New Year's Party With Friends?
“I am (18F) back from college. I and my mom (40F) have a hate/love relationship. My parents are divorced so she raised her 2 kids on her own. Anyways.
A little while before the new year’s party, I told my mom that I was probably gonna go and she said she will go out with friends.
I thought that was the plan.
Now, she asked me today if I’m going and I said yes and she said she was gonna stay home to be with my brother and me.
Can you see where I’m going with this?
My mother has a terrible history of guilt-tripping and being a bit of a narcissist… I’ve been spending time with her for the last couple of nights.
She hasn’t been feeling okay either. I realize that I’m supposed to be with her or whatnot but I need my own time too to go out with friends. I hardly have friends in college and these are the only friends I have who are here back home.
I do sleep in but my mom also works so when she gets home I’m awake so I spend my time with her on that. Lately, I’ve been staying up till like 3 or 4 am to talk to her.
Last night, she was rude to me but I know there’s no solution if I spoke back.
I was planning on still having dinner with her before I could go out with my friends.
I fear that it might not be enough for her and she will hold a grudge against me.
Anyways. Am I the jerk for wanting to spend time with my friends on New Years’ instead of with my mom?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I wouldn’t take this on. You had plans, she had plans. She changed hers. That doesn’t mean you have to change yours.
Have dinner with her, and then maybe plan something you both enjoy tomorrow.
Hopefully, your next college term will start soon.” Arbor_Arabicae
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re a college student and while your family is important, being with friends is the norm for your age.
It sounds like you have spent a lot of time with your mom. If she expects you to spend every minute you are home with her, that is totally unrealistic.” Retirednp
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Go have fun. Don’t worry about your mom and you’re an adult and years from now you won’t regret having fun with friends. I’m age 40F and we’re home because of the crisis and we don’t have the means to go anywhere so we’re home this New Year’s and I’m cooking for us also.
But be careful and take precautions, honey.” Strong_Land_8849
19. AITJ For Suggesting My Parents Get A Divorce?
“I (31f) had a very close relationship with my dad (60m). We have similar humor, interests, and way of thinking. I’ve never been very close with my mum (66f) due to her openly favoring my younger brother, telling me that she loved the family dog more than me, comparing me to her when she was my age, my weight/physical appearance, and how I haven’t had any children yet, amongst other things.
Just shy of a year ago, my dad told me that he’d had a fling, not slept with, a family friend and my mum caught him. She refused to talk about it and both of them made me promise not to tell my brother.
I am very close with my brother and hated not being able to tell him.
I thought that was the worst of it until my dad told me one day that he was still talking to this woman and even told me he had slept with her, unbeknownst to my mum.
I really didn’t want to know. He even said that the family friend was very similar to me in personality and was happier with her, which made me feel very uncomfortable.
He asked for my ‘approval’ of her if things broke apart between him and mum. I said as his daughter I would want him to be happy but he would need to accept that I would be there for mum as well.
He understood and at that point, I believed he would leave mum for this other woman.
Meanwhile, my mum would constantly say things about him and his ‘mistress’, mentioning how all men seem to let her down, etc. I asked her if she was happy with her marriage or not and she replied that it was he who is not happy and he needs to deal with it.
She is not willing to talk about it and she gives me the impression of wanting to continue to punish him. My dad has told me how unhappy he is and I mentioned that he is drinking more and more.
I should probably mention that I have an anxiety disorder and stress about the smallest of things, so this has been hard to deal with mentally, on my own, as I can’t tell my brother anything and I don’t want to discuss this with my dad anymore.
He says a lot of nasty stuff about women that makes me uncomfortable and would just wish he would stop. This brings me to the ‘AITJ’ bit.
A couple of nights ago, he started complaining about how he and my mum don’t really spend time together and how they aren’t intimate anymore and wants me to be the mediator of the relationship and I just bluntly told him to divorce her.
He went quiet for a bit and we haven’t really spoken much since and I feel like I hurt his feelings about it but my thinking is if he isn’t happy anymore and my mum doesn’t want to address it, divorcing seems to be the most logical thing to do.
I feel bad as my dad doesn’t really have anyone else to talk to about it, but I’m angry that I can’t tell my brother and I don’t think my dad should be talking about this with me.
I feel I have this massive burden of not telling my brother anything and not telling my mum about the affair. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The first thing you have to do is have a clear conversation with your father about boundaries.
You need to tell him about your mental health, you are not his confidant. He cannot tell you anything else about the affair, he cannot talk about anything nasty (you said it makes you uncomfortable).
Tell him you will end the conversation or just simply get up and walk away if he breaks those boundaries. Your next step is to tell him to come clean with his wife as it’s not fair to burden you with this secret.
You’re not wrong about telling him to get a divorce. They both clearly seem to be over the marriage but neither your mom nor dad is taking the next step.
Your dad needs a therapist and you’re not his therapist. He needs someone other than you to talk to. It’s going to come down to him needing to be honest to everyone and himself.” Pineapple_Wagon
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Honey, you need to set boundaries – you are their child, not their **************************. Their marriage and any issues associated with it are between them and only them.
You didn’t marry either of them.
Plus, your advice was spot on – if neither is happy in this marriage and your father has emotionally and physically moved on to someone else, then he should do the right thing and end.
Set your boundary – ‘Mom/Dad, your marriage and its issues are between you two. I love and support you both, but I don’t want to be in the middle and as involved as you both make me.'” Master-Manipulation
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – make it clear however to your father that you’re always there for him, yet he needs to be a bit less straightforward and not forget that you’re still his daughter and you still like your mom, you get me?
Also, I totally agree with them getting a divorce, they’re not happy or talking or intimate, AND your dad’s having an affair with a woman he’s happy with, why would any of them want to stay in that failed marriage?
No offense of course.” BrowniesButGreen
18. AITJ For Telling My Family To Respect Boundaries?
“Today on new year’s, the topic of my (19) partner (gender fluid, all pronouns) came up, and, out of nowhere, they asked about their dead name.
Of course, I politely tell them that their name is ‘their chosen name’ and that’s all they need to know. I won’t tell them my partner’s dead name without permission, it’s not my place to share.
They proceed to tell me that ‘it’s okay, as my partner isn’t here and they will never know I told them.’
Which is nonsense, I’m not going to talk about my partner behind their back.
Why would I do that?
They keep asking, and, of course, I get mad at some point. They’re grown adults, a simple polite no should be enough. Isn’t that what they preached when all of us were younger?
They go ahead and say that they just politely asked, to which I reply ‘You politely asked and I politely answered, then you kept going.’ They, of course, kept going again and, in the end, my stepfather said he will ask my partner himself.
I don’t know about you, but I did get very angry. I repeatedly said that my partner is extremely uncomfortable with their dead name and that they would get very anxious at the question.
I say that ‘if they’re going to be like this, I simply do not wish that they meet my partner.’ They get angry, saying I should never say that and that I should be grateful that they’re even allowing me and my partner to see each other in a few months.
Apparently, they were ‘joking around’ but how was I supposed to know when they were trying to get me to tell them my partner’s dead name for nearly an hour?
Not only do they expect me to apologize for getting protective over my partner’s privacy, but they’re also making fun of me in the next room, knowing the door is open.
They’re saying I always need to get the last word in which, obviously? If it’s my partner, yes. And when I ask them to stop making fun of me, they laugh harder and tell me I can’t move on when they’re the ones still really talking about it.
Am I the jerk for telling them if they don’t learn to respect boundaries, I don’t wish them to meet my partner?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They definitely are tho.
It isn’t their business what your partner’s dead name is, they have no business asking for the name. They seem very childish. You’re more of an adult than your parents are.
Thank you for supporting and defending your partner around them.” theAtheistKliq666
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – this is straight-up ignorance on their part. They likely think of their new name as a ‘preferred nickname/handle’ of some sort and their dead name as their ‘real name’ because they have absolutely no appreciation for why this is not the case and are incredibly sensitive.
I would have gotten angry too. Ignorance is incredibly frustrating.
Edit: if your partner is definitely coming to stay with you, and you have no alternative places to go – like a hotel for a few nights.
I would absolutely warn them of this behavior so that they can CHOOSE whether or not they are ok stepping into that environment.” Acedia_spark
17. AITJ For Not Going To The Zoo With My Husband?
“BIL came up to visit for the holidays with his kids who are all very close in age to my kids. Initially, I was planning on us all going to the zoo so the kids could all meet Santa and see Christmas lights but the weather has been bad so it kept getting put off.
They can no longer meet Santa but they can still see the lights and animals so we were going to go at the beginning of the week but it got pushed off because of rain and cold to the next warmest day before they leave which happened to be today, me and my husband’s anniversary.
The past few days I’ve been dealing with my BIL’s youngest kids’ attitude and last night was one of the tipping points. I had been telling the kids for hrs they needed to settle down and go to bed (it was 1 o’clock in the morning and they were all under 10) so I had BIL go up and tell them.
Well, it didn’t last but maybe 10mins. I gave it 10 more and was fully fed up at this point so I went and told them if you guys don’t knock it off and go to bed right now we’re not going to the zoo tomorrow.
I go to the bathroom and come back out and I still hear them screwing around so I was waiting by their door for a moment so I can tell them to knock it off, again.
Well while I’m standing there I hear my oldest shushing them saying ‘you guys be quiet! Don’t you wanna go to the zoo?’ Then I hear his youngest ‘I.
Don’t. Caaaare.’ I was super mad I swung that door open so fast and yelled for them to knock it off, told my husband who tells his brother so he goes up there again.
Well, that was it for that night.
Then today they’re all in the kitchen helping cook and his youngest is wanting to pour the noodles in. I said that’s fine wait for the water to boil.
I don’t know if she got mad because my oldest was still holding the box or what but she got an attitude. So my oldest asked her what was wrong, and BIL’s youngest said nothing, she said I can tell by your face you’re upset, BIL’s youngest snapped and said something like you don’t always have to be smiling you know!
I told her I’m tired of her being so rude there was no reason to respond to someone like that and she starts bawling. So BIL takes her to another room so she can tell him what happened and he’s passive-aggressively repeating it like it’s ridiculous.
I tried to explain to my husband hoping he’d throw some logic out there on my behalf that snapping at someone who’s only concerned about your feelings is super rude.
Anyway, I was pretty done at this point, I’m sick of expecting a modicum of respect in my own home and getting flack for it so I told them I’m not going to the zoo.
My husband was a little upset and said I’m abandoning him on our anniversary. I felt awful after he said that but this was never something planned for our anniversary and honestly I really just didn’t want to go after all of that.
Am I a jerk for not going?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I kind of wonder why you made the threat of them not going to the zoo and then didn’t follow through; if you knew it would not be supported I would suggest not making it at all.
But everything else you’ve said sounds completely reasonable, including you not wanting to spend your anniversary with kids who have been treating you poorly.” justmaybemaggie
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I would not invite BIL over for the holidays again if he tolerates his children getting an attitude and being rude to someone in their own home. I’m not sure if it’s just because I’m child-free and I don’t quite understand the sacrifices of being a parent but I would not want to spend my anniversary with children at the zoo especially if they are not my own and also rude.” exposquare
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
How did you get stuck in this position for such a long visit? Or does it just feel like forever?
Is this guy a ‘single dad’?
Is he staying so long and letting his kids run rampant because he can’t keep up, or he just wants someone else to do the work for once?
There were no plans for the anniversary because apparently, that wasn’t important.
So why should you have to go when no one is playing by the rules?
You are off the hook.” User
16. AITJ For Stalking My Ex-Husband's Partner?
“My ex-husband’s long-term partner died suddenly on Christmas Day. She lives in another province. I had never met nor seen a picture of the woman in the 4 years he went out with her.
She was only 50 and it was a complete shock. She has two teenagers.
My angry 13-year-old daughter has been living with her father after me being her primary carer her whole life (often with him living in another province).
He decided to take our conflict to sue me for sole custody and decision-making and completely cut me from her life and allows her to block me and be disrespectful.
So I had heard a lot about his late partner and thinking of her family who I have never even seen a picture of and looked up her name and found a lovely dedication to her.
I sent it to my daughter (who had reached out in grief but turned cold again) and she flipped out saying I am ‘stalking’ again, leave a dead woman in peace.
I meant no harm at all and am hurt at the nasty assumptions.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ — There’s wayyyyyy more to this story.
Let’s address why you sent this to your daughter.
To upset her? So she can know that you’re snooping? To put yourself in the center of something that isn’t about you? What purpose does it achieve?
Something else is going on here that likely adds to why your daughter doesn’t want to talk to you.
No court gives sole custody (to a father no less, mothers are almost always favored) for no reason at all. Come on.
Her saying you’re ‘stalking again’ means this is behavior you’ve exhibited before, surely.
You’ve obviously either had a tense relationship with your daughter which is why she doesn’t want to be in contact with you, or your tone-deaf nature which is on display in this event is just the icing on an already tense and upsetting cake.
Leave her alone right now. Limit your contact to things that are important and about your relationship with your daughter — stop sticking your nose into their grief.
Who cares if you’ve never seen a picture of her?
She wasn’t and will never be part of your life.” chronicpainprincess
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – What was the purpose of looking her up? I realize it’s public information but that only means you can access it.
It doesn’t mean it’s yours to use to hurt others or use to treat them like they are foolish. Your daughter didn’t need you to send her a tribute to her father’s partner to her.
I guarantee you that she already knew and had no need for a reminder.” GothPenguin
15. AITJ For Accidentally Farting In Front Of My Husband?
“My husband and I have a traditional marriage and we will have our 40th wedding anniversary this year.
I have always known that he is narcissistic. One night when we were crawling into bed I accidentally let out a fart. I said oops and tried to laugh it off.
He told me I was disgusting and rolled over and went to sleep. I didn’t think much of it at the time. The next morning over coffee he proceeded to tell me how he finds me gross and so disgusting because I haven’t been having a lot of gas.
Here’s where I may be the jerk. I took the opportunity to tell him that he has such bad breath that I can hardly stand it. I have mentioned it on and off throughout the years but he hasn’t been able to control it.
Most of the time I just keep my mouth shut about it but I thought I could share this with him since he brought it up. He told me basically that it’s not his problem it’s mine.
There’s nothing he can do about it and it’s probably all in my head anyway. I felt so dismissed. He went to work and was pretty quiet the next day.
I asked him if he was ok. He told me that I was so mean to him and his feelings were so hurt. I apologized and told him that it wasn’t my intention to hurt him but I wanted him to know that there are things that gross me out too but I try to ignore them.
After that conversation, I felt drained. And now I can’t stop tearing up. This hasn’t been an isolated incident but we’ve been together a long time. Divorce isn’t an option for me.
I’m going to see a psychiatrist to change my medication again. It helps. What do you think? Was I wrong to bring up his bad breath again after he called me disgusting for accidentally farting in bed?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, he can dish it out but he can’t take it! If you’ve been married 40 years, there is literally nothing wrong with farting in front of each other.
It is normal human practice, we LITERALLY ALL fart. Even babies. That he’s so grossed out by this after 40 years is a pretty big red flag in my opinion. Has he never farted in front of you for the last 40 years either?
Or does he just have the idea women have to be pretty and delicate and can’t fart or poop like ‘men’ do?
And to address the bad breath comments, if he really is so obsessed with cleanliness himself, he would be horrified he has bad breath, he would look at his diet and food he’s eating in case that might be a cause, maybe see a dentist to get his teeth cleaned every month, use mouthwash every day, etc. So it seems to me like he’s being very critical by judging you on your natural body processes, you can’t do anything like fart because it’s so disgusting and he holds you to a high standard, but he doesn’t hold himself to the same ‘cleanliness’ standard?
And further, you farted, so he’s allowed to bring that up and call you disgusting because of it. But he has bad breath, and you’re not allowed to call him disgusting because of it?
That’s a massive double standard, and in my opinion, your husband sounds a bit misogynistic. You are not the jerk, but he definitely is.” Accomplished-Meal-80
Another User Comments:
“Wait wait wait pause.
You admit he is narcissistic right in the beginning. He says something that is a normal bodily function that everyone does even him but you’re gross and disgusting. You point out his smelly breath t*t for tat.
But you’re the only villain. And now you have to go to the psychiatrist to change your medication to ‘help’? Your medication doesn’t need to change your husband does. I think it’s time to realize your husband’s narcissistic behavior is affecting your mental health.
That’s not ok and not how a marriage should be. NTJ.” Pineapple_Wagon
Another User Comments:
“Has it been like this for 40 years? Because the couple of minutes it took me to read this post irritated and exhausted me – if your marriage has been like this for decades, I don’t know how you’re still hanging in there.
No, of course you’re NTJ for a normal bodily function. But… it also doesn’t have to be like this. Like, I might not divorce my husband for calling me disgusting while I’m getting into bed – once – but I do think I’d be out of that bed and in my car, as fast as I possibly could, heading to the nearest nice hotel that I could get into for a good night’s sleep.
I surely wouldn’t be sleeping next to him that night. And before I slept next to him again, we’d be having a long talk about how I’m not going to put up with being talked to like that.
I don’t know about you, but I put up with mean-spirited, stupid, ugly bullying in middle school, because I had no choice. Now I’m grown and I have choices. I’m not putting up with it in my own home.
You don’t have to just live with whatever he says or however he chooses to treat you. But you can’t change him, either – people can’t change other people, and you’ve had 40 years.
If it could be done, you would have done it. You have to be willing to consider changing your own responses and actions. You can’t make him stop, but you can choose not to take it anymore.
And that’s really all you can do about it. Seeing a psychiatrist and taking meds are good things if they help you, I would never tell someone not to do that, but those things aren’t going to make your husband not be a jerk.” Old-Elderberry-9946
14. AITJ For Saying The Year Still Sucked?
“Earlier today I was on the phone with a friend and my mil overheard me tell them ‘yeah I hear you. 2021 kinda sucked for me too’ and she got concerned so when she had a minute she pulled me aside and told me it couldn’t have sucked that bad since I had food, a place to live, etc. I told her I knew that and was thankful but it still sucked in general. I didn’t get into details because she had already just walked off so I wasn’t going to chase her or anything.
I figured she was busy.
Well, now I’m getting like 5 different people coming at me telling me how ungrateful I am for saying the year sucked and I should have just told her she was right.
I AM thankful for all the things we have but like my mom moved and got super sick and I couldn’t go see her, I failed both my classes and got put on financial aid probation, and I lost someone I’d been friends with since kindergarten so obviously, the year was hard and ‘kinda sucked’ but now I feel like a jerk for not being grateful enough.”
Another User Comments:
“You are 100% NTJ. I have friends who ‘feel guilty complaining’ to me because I have many health issues but I always remind them it’s not a competition!
Their feelings and issues are valid regardless of whether someone else has it worse. There’s always going to be someone out there who has it worse! But sometimes you just have to feel what you feel in that moment to truly be able to appreciate when days/times really are good.
Could your year have been worse? Yeah but, dang, it sure could’ve been better!!! Cut yourself some slack and beware next time you are on the phone near your MIL.
By the way: SHE could definitely be better!!!” Migraine-AddledBrain
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. We’re allowed to complain about stuff without being guilt-ridden about everything else. I should be able to complain about the long commute to work without someone going, ‘At least you have a job!’
I should be able to voice how a video game didn’t live up to my expectations without someone going, ‘Be grateful you have money and time to play video games!’
I should be able to moan about how the year of crisis, political stress, and economic disaster, has made the year long and hard without someone reminding me to be ‘grateful!’ for everything I didn’t lose.” Tis-but-a-scratch-yo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. There’s no Having It Tough Olympics, you don’t need to have it the worst to claim you had it rough, and people don’t get to decide how you feel about stuff.
If you were talking about doing something destructive about it, then I’d understand her concern. But you were just venting about your very normal and valid feelings about the year you’ve had.
She needs to pull her head in and stay in her lane.” ReasonableFig2111
13. AITJ For Asking The Receptionist To Mute The TV?
“I was at a doctor’s appointment recently and had to fill out a TON of paperwork in the waiting area. The waiting area had 3 or 4 people in it. There was a TV right next to my seat that was on pretty high volume, playing some home renovation show and playing commercials at high volume.
I asked the receptionist if it was important to have the TV volume on, and what her feelings were on muting it. She said something like ‘well we usually leave it on to entertain everyone else, but I can mute it if you want me to.’ And I said, ‘if that’s okay, that’d be really great!’
She muted it, and an old guy next to me said ‘Did you just ask her to mute that? Is that what happened?’ When I said yes, he shook his head like he just couldn’t believe his ears, and said ‘I just can’t understand people who do that.
What if I asked her to close the blinds because I don’t like the light?’ When I said it wasn’t a big deal and we could turn the sound back on, he said something like ‘No no, it’s fine, I just can’t understand people who want to change everything without thinking of anyone else.’
This is a bit of a tangent, but as someone who doesn’t watch cable tv, commercials are unbelievably invasive and annoying. I just genuinely don’t understand how anyone can stand listening to them.
It’s like having someone burst through the door and shout into your ears about soap for 10 minutes, every 5 minutes. Anyway.
Here’s why I don’t think I’m the jerk: the guy’s point was that I wasn’t taking other people’s feelings into consideration when I asked for the volume to be turned off.
But here’s the thing: who asked me about my feelings before turning it on in the first place? Why is it considered the default for the room to be filled with noise?
It used to be the default for indoor places to allow smoking, but then we banded together and realized that you should be able to choose whether or not you want to be exposed to smoke.
Why doesn’t the same principle apply to noise?
Also, no one was even paying attention to the TV. Everybody has smartphones, and everyone was staring at them, even Mr. grumpy britches who told me off.
So, internet, am I the jerk? What’s wrong in my thinking?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You asked one question to the reception, she offered to mute the TV versus just turning it down.
If everyone was engrossed in things other than the TV (including the man who made the comment about you) he didn’t actually care about anything other than just making a baseless point.
I’m sure there was plenty of time for anyone to speak up if they cared that much. He piped up only afterward to make you feel bad for trying to be comfortable in a generally uncomfortable situation.
I’ve also never understood the appeal of having crappy, old tube TVs in waiting areas anyway. They tend to be higher pitched in my opinion (so more annoying) and always blasting full volume for no reason.
Most people have a personal device or bring something to entertain themselves if it’s going to be a long wait. Recently had to wait for a family member to have a fairly lengthy procedure, as soon as the other person in the waiting area was gone I muted the TV blasting soap operas.
No one else who came in turned it back up or cared, they all had books or phones instead.” RainWarm
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, you should’ve just asked her to turn the volume down or you could’ve gone to a place that was quieter including outside especially after the gentleman expressed that he was watching the TV.
Your reasoning for why you’re not the jerk is very much a ‘me-centered’ view of the world because the TV was on before you even got there and the TV was making noise every day.
You wanted to change it for you which is totally possible but you’re saying that the conditions of the TV should never have been that way even though the owner of the doctor’s office had pretty much already established that that’s what they want.
It’s not about you because you’re just there for the short time that you have the doctor’s appointment, in fact, the receptionist told you that they always have the TV on and they always have the volume up.
You’re the one who decided to ignore what you were told and make yourself the exception to have the world revolve around you and for those reasons you are the jerk.
To be fair the other guy could’ve said things nicer but at the same time he’s watching TV and my suspicion is it’s not that important for him to watch it.” WhateverYoureWanting
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but you could have moved away from the tv if that was an option or asked for it to be turned down instead of muted (some people are super uncomfortable with silence for whatever reason, but I prefer silence to TV noise).
The receptionist could have asked the others if they were watching before muting it, if she wasn’t sure or if she even cared. The old guy who wasn’t even watching the tv could have just kept his thoughts to himself.
I don’t think I’d ask for the tv to be muted unless I was the only one there, but I don’t think it’s a jerk thing to do. If someone else really wanted the background noise or was actually watching the program, then they could ask for the volume to be turned back up a bit.” AllTheFloofsPlzz
12. AITJ For Ruining Our Friendship?
“My (M 19) best friend (F 18) and I were just chatting normally. I mentioned something minor that had happened where my sister (21) had body-shamed my dad over his weight which he has been horribly self-conscious over lately and although he didn’t show it, I could tell it hurt him.
My sister has Down syndrome so she definitely didn’t intend to harm him, but also struggled to comprehend how what she did was wrong.
Anyways, I mentioned this scenario to my best friend because ya know, conversation.
She initially agreed that I was right to shut my sister’s comments down immediately and get her to apologize. But then started saying she shouldn’t be making comments when she’s ‘the size that she is’ and then proceeded to indirectly call my sister fat (also something my sister is self-conscious of).
This started to annoy me because in my mind you can’t agree that targeting someone’s insecurities is wrong and then immediately do the exact same thing yourself. I clarified to her what she was doing basically confirming I was interpreting it right and giving her the opportunity to apologize.
Instead, she chose to double down saying she’s allowed to make comments such as that since she has a belly herself (she’s very slim).
At this point, I told her she can go screw herself because kind people don’t target anyone, let alone people with down syndrome, and insecurities.
It’s been like 3 days and we haven’t spoken at all. I’ve sent a few messages but she’s aired them all, I haven’t attempted to apologize because at this point in time I don’t feel as tho I acted out of line.
Do I need a serious reality check, AITJ for ruining my and my best friend’s relationship over her fat shaming my sister with Down syndrome?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you did the right thing!
Sticking up for your sis was awesome. Pretty awful what your friend said and to say it about someone who wouldn’t be able to defend themselves is just disgusting.
Not sure telling your friend to go screw herself is the best way to get your point across but the fact she doubled down with her stupid comments would understandably make you furious.” DustyGate
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. My understanding is I get what your friend was saying it was a horrible analogy. Your friend was on your side she just used a poor analogy.
You were wrong for blowing your gasket at her. I don’t think she was purposely trying to hurt your sister. Doubling down was wrong. If you still want to be friends this can be rectified as I think it was a huge miscommunication.
You do need to apologize for blowing up at her and explain why you were angry. You didn’t like the way she unintentionally insulted your sister and doubled down.” Pineapple_Wagon
Another User Comments:
“I feel like she was probably just looking for something to say and didn’t go out of her way to target your sister. When you corrected her she should have just said sorry and you could have changed the subject.
Some people just aren’t good at being corrected. I’m divided between saying ‘no jerks here’ and blaming you both. She didn’t do the same thing your sister did because when she made her comment your sister didn’t know about it.
But honestly, it’s not that interesting of a conversation topic, and if your friend was tired she might have just been searching for something to say in response. That could also explain why she didn’t apologize.
I think a better way would be to have just said that you see it a different way and changed the subject. I appreciate that you’re protective of your sister and that your friend’s comment was uncalled for but no harm was truly done.
You don’t really owe an apology. I might just say that ‘we obviously see this differently but I value our friendship,’ or something like that.” dog_star_
11. AITJ For Not Being As Available For My Friends After Just Having A Baby?
“I (27F) had a best friend (25F) of mine tell me that I’m not doing enough in our friendship and I’m wondering if she’s right. She told me she’s been feeling this way since the crisis started that we don’t hang out, talk, etc. as much as we used to which is partially true, but we only recently stopped talking as often when I got pregnant.
I own my own business, I’m married with a family, a six-year-old, I also work teaching my field of work three nights a week, and just had a baby in November.
To say I have a lot on my plate is an understatement.
I also just started therapy because my mom and my grandpa passed away in July of this year four days from each other which, I never processed because I was worried I would stress out the baby.
I also have a lot of trauma from my mom that I’m working through which has caused unforeseen emotions following her death. I haven’t seen this particular friend in a while but it’s not as if we hung out all the time before this or even before the crisis, like, once every month or so?
Maybe more maybe less? I haven’t formally invited her to meet my new baby because I assumed she would ask when she could seeing as she’s one of my best friends and that’s what literally everyone else has done.
She hasn’t mentioned anything along the lines of ‘when I meet the baby’ or ‘I can’t wait to meet the baby’. She’s expressed multiple times that she doesn’t know how to interact with kids and it makes her uncomfortable so I thought maybe that was another reason she held off visiting.
We usually Snapchat every couple of days and I think the longest we’ve gone without Snapchatting is four or five days and that’s rare. She’s told me she knows I hang out and talk to my other friends far more than her which is completely untrue.
I’ve been pretty reclusive since having my baby and just soaking in as much family time as I can. This friend has admitted we have very different priorities, mine being my family, my career, my business, and hers being civil rights, activism, etc. She’s admitted she doesn’t care to have a career or money and she currently doesn’t have any kids but lives with her partner.
We talked this all out a few days ago and then I opened a snap from her last night on my way home from work and the entire issue was rehashed. She brought up the exact same points I thought we’d discussed and I was left very confused. She compared my efforts to those of another one of our best friends who also just had a baby.
‘Blah blah just had a baby and she’s making an effort’, but she also doesn’t have another child or another job and has a nanny. Postpartum is hard, on top of everything else on my plate.
I don’t think expecting my friends to understand I’m not going to be as available as I used to be is wrong but maybe there’s something I’m not seeing?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. What this boils down to is that you’re both just now living in completely different worlds. It sucks that she doesn’t understand that and I’m not really sure how she could.
She only has the experience and perspective she has and can’t have yours… until she does. I think this is typically when people change their friends, to be honest with you.
Maybe you guys can reconnect when/if she is in a similar chapter in her life. If I were you, I’d tell her that it isn’t that you don’t care about your relationship with her.
It’s just that you are living a different life now and your capacity is also different.” CoffeeAndPizzaRolls
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She seems to be thinking of herself mostly. For starters, you’re going through major grief, had a baby, parenting a small child, and started therapy bc of long-standing trauma.
That’s a lot and she’s mad you’re not checking in on her enough? That’s really kind of self-absorbed. Sometimes one person in the friendship needs more understanding and support for a period of time and she’s not willing to do that and instead is angry that you’re not paying enough attention to her.
It’s especially hurtful that she’s comparing you to others and also making up nonsense about how you’re making plans with everyone but her. She seems to be ready to criticize you for not making enough of an effort, but it seems clear that she should be the one making a greater effort right now considering what a challenging period you’re in.
Sometimes people grow apart and that is fine, but sometimes friends also need gentle, but clear reality checks so that they can recalibrate themselves. You’re doing nothing wrong and you need to make some things more clear to her about her self-absorption, unfair comparisons, and lack of concern about how much more challenging this time has been for you than for her.” ghostforest
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your friend looks like she wants you to do all the work. When a good friend sees a friend grieving, running a business, taking care of a 6-year-old, with a new baby, a good friend will make MORE of an effort to check in and make sure that the overwhelmed friend is ok, and cut them some slack about not reaching out, because that is what a good, considerate friend does.
When I had a bunch of kids and what we now know was post-partum depression (and other things, besides), that is what my own best friends did.” Neenknits
10. AITJ For Not Replying While I Was At Work?
“I (mid-twenties female) work in an industrial lab, and my spouse is a stay-at-home dad (early thirties) to our one-year-old daughter.
Lately, we’ve been arguing about our roles as parents. Neither of us was prepared for how having a child strips away basically all your time to yourself. However, I openly admit that I have the better end of the deal since I have a fulfilling and stable job and get to talk to people.
Today, I was late because we were arguing this morning. I texted my husband that I made it safely and went about my work. I had to start an HPLC run which was going to take 17 hours to do.
During my system check, there was a leak that took me an hour to troubleshoot, and then I stayed in the lab for the next two hours, monitoring the column and processing data until it was time to start the sample run.
I typically don’t have my phone in the lab because I routinely work with toxic chemicals and it’s really not encouraged. The leak happened in the middle of lunch so I missed his texts about how things weren’t really going well at home.
I responded as soon as I got out of the lab, but my husband was upset and said he can’t count on me to be there for him. He has a point about me needing to communicate better, but I have work to do at my job and the timing can be a little inconsistent.
Am I the jerk for not texting while I was working?
P.S. For those who have asked, this is a new job I started a few months ago. Previously, we were stay-at-home parents together.
We moved for the opportunity and are far away from family and our previous babysitter.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but it’s time to give him a better support structure…
Since you moved away from your babysitter, focus on finding new babysitter options.
Hire a high school kid to be a parent’s helper for 2 hours after school, 2-3 days a week. Your husband can get a workout in, run errands or just chill at a coffee shop.
Find your new community’s toddler groups… Churches have toddler play hours, colleges run co-op preschools, parks departments have play groups, etc…
He needs to get online and find the stay-at-home dad network.
He needs peers he can be texting and chatting with during the day. If he’s lucky he’s in a city big enough to have a stay-at-home dad group.” capmanor1755
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He needs to understand that when you are at work, you can only be focusing on work. When you are at work you CAN’T be there for him. You working with toxic chemicals can’t end well if he is constantly texting you with likely mundane things.
Do you have a plan in place for him to be able to get a hold of you if there is a TRUE emergency? Do you two have the same definition of what a true emergency is?” Apricot_Gus
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If he is having a hard time coping with his role, he needs to find a support group during the day. It sounds like he was just contacting you to vent or because he wanted you to tell him how to do his job, not because there was an urgent matter.
Leaking HPLCs and tight timelines can be extremely stressful, and he needs to respect that you have enough to worry about.” nom-d-pixel
9. AITJ For Not Visiting My Dad Because Of His Partner?
“My father currently lives about 30 minutes from me, and the next person we’re related to lives several states away, so I’m his closest family member.
He also lives with his partner, whom he insists has changed her ways.
The short version of what happened is just before and during the beginning of 2020, his partner, out of jealousy because I was sick and bedridden for weeks and my Dad was giving me more attention than her, tried to have me arrested multiple times.
She called 911 so many times, and told so many lies about me, that I got into a first-name basis with most of the Sheriff’s Department, and they had to threaten to arrest her for wasting emergency resources to get her to stop.
What’s worse is when this didn’t work, she started filing legal junctions against me, to the point, and I’m not joking, every judge in our county is now familiar with her, and basically started getting annoyed with her.
Unfortunately, one judge took her seriously, despite the laundry list of wasted time she’d piled up, and almost succeeded in having me charged with a felony. The only reason I got off was I had to shell out the last of my savings after losing my job on a good lawyer who managed to get her on the stand and basically got her to admit all this nonsense was just her being jealous.
After this was over, and I recovered enough to be on my own, I went into debt to get an apartment and moved out.
It’s been about a year, and lately, my dad’s been trying to get me to come over to spend time with him.
Like a lot. He won’t come over to my apartment anymore because I kicked him out after he decided to try making it a second home for himself, and would just come in whenever since he had the spare key.
I gave him the spare key because I was still recovering, in case I needed him to come by and I couldn’t get to the door. But now he’s getting upset because I won’t go over to visit him, or even have a meal. After all, the same girl is there and cooks for him.
He insists she’s changed, but I still don’t trust her, nor do I ever plan on trying to. He’s upset by this distrust, no matter how many times I’ve told him, and keeps trying to get me to accept her since I’m his closest b***d relative and only 1 of 3 sons that are close enough to drive over.
I love my father, but I cannot, nor am I willing to try to trust his partner.
One last thing, she isn’t some young 20-something chick, she’s 63, one year older than him.
So, AITJ in this situation?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Maybe you meet up with him for coffee without her. If she’s there leave. Lay out everything she has done to you and say this is why you will not trust her or be around her and he needs to respect that boundary, and he shouldn’t even attempt to make you have a relationship with her.
It might be easier to say this face-to-face than over a phone call. If he still doesn’t get sadly this may be where you part and only do phone conversations.
If he does understand and respects your wishes then hang out with him in public places if you don’t want him at your place.” Pineapple_Wagon
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Tell your father that if his partner has changed, she should do amends for the damage she did to you. Ask for a payment plan, how is she going to pay back all the funds you had to spend in court cases because of her?
Her actions caused a lot of damage, financial and emotional, and how is she making up for that?
And ask your father if his partner has got serious professional help for her issues because until she does, she is just putting on an act.
Tell your father that until these two issues are handled, you aren’t going to be around his partner at all.” Cocoasneeze
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, of course. You should not trust her, and you shouldn’t trust your father.
Where was he all those many months while she was harassing you and dragging you through the legal system? Why didn’t he speak up and defend you, or try to stop her?
Why did he choose to stay with a vicious woman who harmed his child so severely? Why did he not reimburse you for the financial losses caused by his partner?
Why did he treat your home disrespectfully, and take advantage of the privilege of having a key?
It concerns me that you are wondering whether all this abuse is okay or not.
Please work on developing some self-respect, and learn to love yourself. You should be treated with respect and dignity. Some sessions with a therapist might be helpful.” Bergenia1
8. AITJ For Wanting To Be Helped In A Very Specific Way?
“I’m 100%, completely blind (no eyes), and my husband is sighted. There’s some contention when I ask him to help me read mail or other things/fill out forms, and when the help I need is strictly vision based. A lot of times the help I need in life is not intellectual or physical. It’s simply needing someone else’s eyes to do the work mine can’t.
Example: I have a package of tea that is not in English. I asked him (in what I thought were very clear details) to take a picture of the Chinese characters on the package and run the photo through Google Translate.
I said, ‘I want to know what the text on this packaging says,’ and I told him what I wanted him to do. He did it and told me it was a horrible translation.
The next thing I know, he says he found instructions on how to make this type of tea somewhere else. Cue the sinking feeling in my stomach.
In the above instance, I was already frustrated and moody due to a similar exchange I had just had with my mom (asking her if she could fax a doc of mine she had, and she said she wanted to look it over to see what she’d have to do.
FAX IT; that’s ALL you have to do.) Admittedly, I express my frustration with her more explicitly than my husband. My mental health/sense of independence has also been an issue for the past 7 months, as we’ve been living in a family member’s home.
So, during the latter interaction, I was trying hard not to raise my voice to him and all, but he could tell I was annoyed. I broke down crying when he asked why I was annoyed and told me not to be mad at him.
I explained I was just frustrated at the situation I am almost daily put in and wasn’t mad at him. I said I didn’t want instructions, just to take the picture and put it through the translator.
I said when that didn’t work, I would have then asked him to make a post on the translator sub, but I didn’t even get the chance to have that thought process and decision because he took it upon himself to take action.
It ended with him telling me I can’t expect people to be robots, and that I shouldn’t get mad when they’re just trying to help.
Basically, I’m wondering if more sighted people can think of how they’d be in this situation and if it’s unfair/unrealistic to ask someone to help in that way.
(Disclaimer: this is not a huge thing we’re fighting over; it’s just a difficult situation I’d like input on. Also, he’s very helpful in general, and I am very explicit about giving appreciation when helped.)”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I think a lot of people are coming at this situation from a ‘he’s trying his best angle’ which is all fine and good, but when you’re accommodating disabled people you need to keep their needs in mind above yours otherwise the interaction becomes frustrating (as seen above) rather than helpful.
Think about it like this: a woman with a rollator falls over in front of you. You go to help and before she has the chance to say anything you pick her up and bring her back to her feet.
This seems like a nice thing you just did, right? But from the woman’s point of view, you’ve just put your hands on her without her permission and removed her agency in the interaction.
And what’s worse is that you’re standing there expecting a thank you for treating her like a doll that fell off a shelf. It’s humiliating.
OP’s husband is trying to help, but he’s removing her agency in this situation.
She asked him to do something specific, he decided to do something else without giving her the option to agree. He tried to help, but he did not actually help, and now OP is left frustrated knowing that if he had done as she asked she would have gotten the help she actually wanted. And worse is that he’s sitting there expecting her to be thankful for not actually helping her.
Now if she’s frustrated for not receiving the accommodation she asked for she looks like a jerk. How humiliating.
OP’s husband isn’t a monster, he’s just a guy that doesn’t understand how it is to be disabled and acts accordingly.
But when the world isn’t built for disabled people ‘acting accordingly’ does mean leaving disabled folks out of your line of thinking, even when you’re trying to help them out.” sachsquach
Another User Comments:
“I’m gonna say no jerks here. This is just an unfortunate situation. I completely empathize with you but also with family members.
You’re frustrated because you want people to help you with vision, but the way they help you sometimes feels disempowering.
But the thing is, the way you ask for help, or the way you react when people help you the wrong way, can also make those people feel disempowered because, as your husband says, he feels like you’re treating him like a robot.
I think it’s worth trying to talk more about this and explain why it’s important to you, and then maybe he will find it easier to help you in the way you want.
But nobody is a jerk in this situation; you’re all just doing your best to navigate it.” Kaia455
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, I can see how that would be very frustrating when you only need help with the visual part, and instead, people try to take over and remove your agency on how you want to handle the situation.
Just a thought though. I’m not sure what the situation is with this tea, whether it’s just a random packet or something special and important. But that does seem like a lot of effort to go to just over some Chinese writing on tea.
Your husband’s actions in finding the instructions sound more to me like frustration and trying to get it over with quickly. Like ‘I found out how to make it, so now do you REALLY need to know exactly what the text says?’ Because asking him to go so far as to post it on a translation sub is a fair bit of time and effort.
Is it possible he saw this sort of request coming and wanted to heed it? Is it possible he feels overburdened with requests that might seem to him to be trivial and not a good use of his time?
It’s a difficult one because you have every right to be curious about what your tea says and want to find out. He also has every right to want some control over how he uses his spare time and to think he might want to do other things with it than chasing up Chinese translations.
I can’t judge, because I don’t know how important this was and how many other requests of this sort you make. Up to you if this is something worth considering.” KellyfromtheFuture
7. AITJ For My Dog Ripping My FIL's Picture?
“My FIL bought a new house and we were able to buy his old house. He left some stuff on the porch at our house until he could find storage for it which was fine, I organized it so it wasn’t really in my way, but it’s been 6 months and I want it gone now.
In that stuff, was a picture of him playing hockey when he was younger, he asked that we put it somewhere it wouldn’t get wrecked, which is what I did.
My BIL was looking through that stuff and he moved the picture and I didn’t realize it. He had it leaned against the wall under a window, and my dog jumped up trying to look out the window and his claws ripped the picture.
My FIL doesn’t know yet, but I know he’s going to be mad. I feel bad because it was my dog that wrecked it and I know it was important to him.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – BIL moved it and should have put it back where he found it. You did what you could by putting it up. How much did he actually care about it though?
He left it for half a year when he could’ve picked up his stuff, even just the picture and other really sentimental items. It’s his responsibility because it’s his belongings.
Half a year of using you as self-storage is jerk behavior, to begin with.” Tasty-Biscotti355
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You did your due diligence and the pic was moved without your knowledge.
It’s not BIL’s fault. He probably did not intend for the picture to be damaged.
It’s no one’s fault. Bad things happen. But him leaving his stuff for you to look after for SIX MONTHS is ridiculous.
He needs to rent some space.” 4682458
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It’s not your fault that someone else moved it to a stupid place and if your FIL really wanted it, he should have gotten it 5 months ago.
Your BIL should be the one to tell him what he did. Your dog didn’t set out to ruin it on purpose. He was only being a dog.” LoveBeach8
6. WIBTJ If I Demand My Landlord To Redo The Plumbing?
“I (18) and my partner (20) just moved into a rental suite.
We live in BC, and it’s the middle of a cold snap (think temperatures around -35C/-31F during the day, below -40 at night). Everything is great, except for our bathroom.
The toilet doesn’t work – the tank doesn’t fill up, so we have to fill it up with a bucket. The landlord had a plumber come look at it, and the plumber said that one of the main water lines is freezing because it’s next to a duct.
In order to fix the issue, they’d have to rebuild a significant part of the house and plumbing.
They’ve put a heater in the bathroom with the fan on in the hopes that it fixes the problem.
However, I’m autistic, so constant loud noise is a major issue for me. WIBTJ if I insisted that they do the repairs instead of using the heater and fan?”
Another User Comments:
“YWNBTJ but you should reach out to the BC Residential Tenancy Branch and ask what kind of solution is available to you. A working toilet or running water are basic human needs and cannot be refused to you.
They might ask that you have a document in writing that your landlord is refusing the repairs that are essential. So make screenshots of every text and take photos/videos of the issues.” CalmosTacos
Another User Comments:
“You wouldn’t be the jerk, but like the others, I’m saying it won’t work. I’m assuming it was the plumber that set up the fan? Correct me if I’m wrong.
But with the landlord, he’s probably going to stay on just this side of legal so he doesn’t have to do such a major repair that sounds to me like it could cost maybe thousands.
He won’t do the more expensive option unless he’s currently violating code that he’s told about by an authority figure.” korli74
Another User Comments:
“I can’t imagine a landlord going to the enormous expense of tearing down and rebuilding part of his house because you don’t like the noise of a fan.
It’s not fair on you, but it will be far easier for him to just get tenants who make less of a fuss. I would recommend getting a second opinion on what can be done, or looking for somewhere else to live.” JWJulie
5. AITJ For Being Disinterested At A Party?
“I (American 21F) am visiting my friend (23M) in Sweden. I only speak English, Spanish, and French.
I do not speak Swedish. My friend brought me to a New Year’s party with his friends. They’re all speaking Swedish except for him and another friend. I have no idea what’s going on because of the language barrier.
Some are talking in groups so obviously, I can’t participate.
My friend along with two others are doing karaoke. I participate in some of the songs here and there if I know them.
I’m not really big on karaoke and they’re choosing all the songs and whatnot. My friend told me I’m being rude by not participating in all the songs.
As I’ve said, I have no idea what’s going on because of the language barrier. I’m only in Sweden because my friend practically begged me to come.
AITJ for being on my phone and not singing every song?
EDIT: I introduced myself and spoke to them, I don’t even know their names because they didn’t tell me.
Nothing was said to me. What am I supposed to do?
My friend eventually started speaking English and tried to get people on board but they would just reply in Swedish.
Eventually, he understood that it was just not going to happen.
Eventually, they did start speaking English but of course, it happened in the last 10 minutes we were there.”
Another User Comments:
“Yes, YTJ for being on your phone at a party. I bet most of those people spoke English and would have liked to practice it with you. And you could have taken the opportunity to learn some Swedish, instead of sulking.” MissAnth
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. In Sweden, almost everyone speaks English and is known to include English speakers, especially when they’re (the Swedes) a bit tipsy. But you need to at least make an effort to try to have fun.” Tindran
Another User Comments:
“Light NTJ – I tell you as an immigrant I know what the language barrier is like. So I think maybe just being on the phone might be a little extreme.
BUT before you feel like I’m against you, to be honest, your friend kinda set you up for failure. At the very least your friend should have introduced you to people who can speak one of your languages or play the role of interpreter since you are there on your friend’s invitation.” SiempreAprendiendoX
4. AITJ For Telling A Friend To Shower?
“I (17m at the time) had a close friend (17m), and we would talk a lot, especially during school.
After a while I noticed he’d been wearing the same clothes for a while, and that he had a ‘stench’.
I didn’t want to sound rude or anything since not everyone is able to wear clean/different clothes every day.
After a while I had to just point it out, he looked pretty mad already. He replied to me saying that he didn’t have to shower, nor did he want to.
I’ll rephrase that, he was able to shower, but didn’t care to do so.
I asked him why and he was already super bothered. He replied in an angrier tone and said that no one can force him to.
The last thing he said was that he wouldn’t communicate with me unless I apologized for trying to ask him to shower. I still don’t understand why he wouldn’t use the shower if he had access to it.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You aren’t a jerk for telling him. Sometimes it’s needed. But people do get really defensive about hygiene because it is embarrassing.
I’ve had to tell a few people as a supervisor because sometimes they just didn’t know.” kitzunenotsuki
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ (really really soft). I know your friend is 17.
But maybe it’s nothing and he just doesn’t have great hygiene skills. But it could be a sign that there are issues at his home that you wouldn’t realize.
Family issues, trauma, mental health, etc. I say apologize and check in to see if he is ok.” Pineapple_Wagon
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, there are many reasons people choose not to shower including depression or other mental illnesses.
Maybe he lied to you and his family couldn’t afford the water bill. However it could also be the rebellious/lazy teenager phase, he didn’t realize or care about how he smelt.
As your comments upset him you definitely should have apologized.” BRACEwits
Some people live in very 'challenging' conditions that they certainly don't want the whole world to know about
3. AITJ For Giving My Grandparents The Wrong Gift?
“2021 has been a good year for me (25f), even financially.
I grew up with my grandparents (late 60s) so this Christmas, I decided to surprise them with a trip with me paying for everything as well. They weren’t exactly happy, they said ‘thank you’ but that’s it.
Now, I’ve been asked by them and by my mom if I could cancel or change the destination since they would prefer to go to this specific destination which they’ve been to already multiple times.
I said ‘no’ and added that the cancellation policy only indicates that I can cancel if something bad happened to them. I haven’t told them that it was my financial decision and I don’t want them to miss out on other destinations just because they’re comfortable with this specific destination.
TO ADD, whenever I go on trips to a place where they haven’t been to before, they would make a remark that they’ll visit that place someday and this was one of the places.
With the reactions that I’ve received, I’m mad to the point that I rebooked their return flight to make it shorter so I can save money (they know this), and decided not to give similar gifts in the future – they don’t know this.
Additional info before you make a decision: They have more than 2 kids, and all are working. I’m not living with them anymore so I also have financial obligations. I’ll be joining the trip because I’m not comfortable leaving them alone even though someone will be there to assist them.
I’ve given them gifts ever since I was in college.
EDIT: The trip is scheduled near my grandma’s bday (NOT ON THE DAY ITSELF) and she’s been wanting to go there but again, I don’t know why she changed her mind.
The majority of the family’s preferred destination for them was supposed to be a bday gift for my grandpa but since I am now very firm that I won’t give them a similar gift, it might not happen UNLESS the majority of the expense will come from their children.
The minority was very supportive of my gift since we’re not that rich to afford this kind of trip/gift.
UPDATE: Found out that grandma’s actually looking forward to our trip.
Grandpa’s so-so but he did share it with some of his cousins who told me that the destination that I picked is a beautiful one.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
Different people vacation differently. It sounds like you put a lot of love into wanting to treat them. But maybe it’s just not a great fit for how they would prefer a trip.
As people age, different things are considered, like how comfortable they are with getting around and also familiarity with a location should something happen, and ease of navigation to fit in what they want to do and see.
There are also more private concerns like layout or proximity and familiarity with bathrooms etc.
Maybe a new place sounds fun for you and they have affirmed in previous conversations that those would be great adventures but they would just prefer a familiar setting for their relaxing getaway.
It doesn’t sound like it’s a good fit for future gifts.
If it wasn’t purchased already, I would suggest gifting an aspect of their usual vacation (restaurant gift cards, rental, etc.)
Since it’s booked, ask if they would prefer to bow out with the understanding that it doesn’t seem to be a collective good fit and see if you can invite a couple of other people to go in their place.
If they’re usually receptive and considerate of your gifts and perspective in conversation, I don’t think their reaction here is warranting a big change in relationship dynamics.
On the other hand, I know it can be disappointing and hurtful when you are super excited and think you are going over the top with an amazing gift only for it to miss the mark.
Their response was not what you hoped for and that’s hard.” purpleit11
Another User Comments:
“Slight YTJ. A true gift is what they actually want (a visit to the place where they love to go) and not what you want or think is best for them (you clearly have an agenda of getting them to go to other destinations instead of the place they love to return to).
So, while it’s very generous to get them such a lavish gift, you really chose what you wanted over what they would have chosen for themselves.
Then, because you’re angry that they’re not thankful enough and it’s clear that you chose the wrong thing for them, you shorten the trip to save funds.
I agree that you should not try to give them a gift like this again, and what I mean by ‘this’, is a trip that you decide is best for them without their input and without consideration of what they actually like.
It’s clear that they would have loved to return to their favorite destination but since you don’t agree with their philosophy of returning to a place they love and where they feel comfortable instead of trying new things, you chose for them.
Recalibrate your gift giving away from what you want and prioritize what the recipient wants and you won’t run into a situation where you’ve clearly made a non-ideal set of decisions and given a gift that isn’t what the recipient really wants.” ghostforest
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, it was a nice idea in theory since you did think it was a place they wanted to go, but with something as huge as a trip-based gift it really is probably best to leave the actual dates & plans to be confirmed by the recipient rather than booking it before you tell them about it.
Going on a trip is a huge investment of energy as well as money, especially for an older person and it would feel awful to go on a trip just because you feel obliged to the person who gave it to you.
Refusing to contribute to any future travel-based gift feels kind of mean since it’s not their fault you sprung the trip on them like this. Also, you chose the option that gave you no cancellation, which is on you.
But you’re never obliged to give a gift anyway! I suggest you advise your family that giving grandpa a travel fund is a much better idea than pre-booked tickets.” ViolaVetch75
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
It was a very tough and thoughtful gift. But, you gifted them a requirement and obligation and removed any autonomy they had in an activity they would be involved in.
You could have easily made your own ‘travel ticket’ for them that said, ‘an exclusive, all expenses paid trip to Destination’. It would have given them the opportunity to pick and choose when and how long to travel for.
The puppy analogy is great. Puppies and dogs are wonderful, but they come with responsibilities. If my spouse got us our puppy as a surprise gift I would have been mad.
Part of the preparation was picking out the pup and getting mentally prepared for it and being involved in the process. What you did was plop a puppy in their lap that just peed on them.
They may have ultimately wanted it, but maybe not at that exact moment.” ZangiefThunderThighs
But I AM glad that they're both now up for it. And it WAS very sweet of you, your heart was definitely in the right place
2. AITJ For Letting My Partner's Ex Ruin Christmas?
“My partner and I (both 21) live in two different states.
Before the holidays I had a conversation with his mother about where we’ll spend the holidays. Her response was without hesitation ‘I need my children at ALL holidays’. That frustrated me a lot since we grew up in the same town, yet my parents recently moved 9 hours away.
On the 23rd of December, I traveled to his family’s house after I got out of work. Not 30 minutes after I got there, in strolls his mom with none other than his EX.
Now a little back story, we all graduated from the same high school at the same time, and she and I, to say the least, did not get along.
As soon as I saw her I got up off the couch and locked myself in the bathroom.
I did this because it really upset me seeing her, and I didn’t want to say anything rude to her since his 2 and 4-year-old nieces were in the room.
After a few minutes, to my request, my partner brought me my keys, and I left his house. He was very upset that I left and begged me to come back to his parents’ house.
After she left I did go back and walked into the house and went straight to his old room where we were staying and didn’t say a word to his mother.
He followed me upstairs and consoled me as my emotions overtook me.
After a while, his mom called him down and asked him to watch the nieces. He went downstairs, and she made a snarky comment that the ex was only bringing in groceries since they went shopping together.
The following day (Christmas Eve) he had to work, and I still was trying to avoid his mom. I was in the basement trying to finish wrapping Christmas presents when I found that his mom also got his ex a Christmas present.
Later that night a conversation came up about the planned trip my partner and I have to go visit my parents after the new year. Since we all are so busy, my partner has never met my parents in person.
They expressed their opinion that he should not go since he has responsibilities to the family at home. This trip has been planned since the end of October, so there has been plenty of time for other arrangements to have been made around him not being there.
This conversation added to my anger, and I left the conversation upset to go cool down.
The following morning, after all the gift opening, while relaxing on the couch, I saw his mom texting the ex about me in a negative way.
This added to the tension and finally, in the evening I was talking with my partner and expressed this, with all the stress, we got into a big argument, to the point where I packed my bags and almost left. Does this cause me to be the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
It appears you are being manipulated by your partner’s mother and it isn’t a good look. You are 21. You do not need to be playing into this 12-year-old Mean Girl nonsense.
Stop hiding in the bathroom, leaving, and avoiding the ex. Your partner wants to be with you so why are you acting so insecure? If you can’t say anything nice to the ex then pretty much say nothing or stick to neutral responses with no emotion.
Agreeing to this visit so far seems to not be going well but your drama isn’t helping and I suspect plays into whatever agenda your partner’s mother may or may not have.
Go for a ride with your partner and decide as a couple of adults how you want to address this. I will say as it is his mother in my opinion, he should be addressing any issues with her.
If he can’t or won’t then you have to decide what you, as an adult, want to do. No hysterics and crying/screaming. Make a decision and take the necessary action.” 3Heathens_Mom
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but you’re not doing yourself any favors by being so emotional and dramatic. Your partner’s mother is trying to get under your skin and create problems for you and your partner and you’re rolling out the red carpet for her.
When dealing with a master manipulator like your partner’s mother, sometimes it’s a better strategy to swallow your real feelings and act breezy and unconcerned about someone’s attempt to upset you.
You’re giving her exactly what she wants by being so reactive. It’s much better, in the long run, to show her that none of her nonsense bothers you at all.
Gray rock her.
Your partner needs to take off the blinders when it comes to his mom’s terrible behavior. She’s trying to make it clear that you don’t belong and trying to interfere with your plans.
Let him be the one to tell his mom to stop her ridiculous ploys to get him and his ex back together. He should be the one to deal with her while you refuse to react to her clown moves.
That way you can be a united front with your partner instead of getting into major fights (which is exactly what she wants).” ghostforest
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
You are playing right into their hands with your inability to control yourself. For your own sake, learn how to put on a good face when she is around. You are making yourself look immature and dramatic by flouncing off at the mere sight of her.
MIL is clearly treating her as a family friend so unless you think your partner is going to cut off his whole family because you can’t tolerate her presence, odds are you will run into her now and again either around town or at their house.” User
1. AITJ For Asking Strangers To Stop Doing Activities So They Don't Ruin My Wedding?
“I (24f) recently had my wedding on the beach of a beautiful hotel in Cancun.
Many of my friends and family could go so I was very happy. The only problem was during our ceremony, there were people on the sea playing or doing jet ski activities.
It really bothered me because they would appear in the background so I told my wedding planner about it. She was very understanding and said she would fix it.
When she talked to the owners of the activities and to the people in that area of the sea, we expected them to be kind and nice, but they just declined and continued. I even took the time to go myself and ask them to stop but they didn’t care.
I was about to go and tell someone from the hotel but my now husband stopped me and said it would be a jerk thing to do. I told him standing up for myself wasn’t a jerk thing to do and went looking for hotel staff, but they said there was nothing they could do.
When I returned my husband was moody and I wonder if it really was a jerk thing to do. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Hahahahhahahahha. YTJ. An entire ocean and beach must be closed because you are getting married lol.
Did you offer to compensate those who would need to close their seasonal businesses after 2 very hard years? You apparently haven’t heard of photo editing.” ninasimonerules
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Get married in a public place, be prepared to deal with the public.
I rented jet skis in Mexico once. We had an hour and we were limited to a very specific area between two buoys.
I’d have kept going too because I paid for that hour and it wasn’t cheap.” swiggs313
Another User Comments:
“I mean.. tbh I don’t think she’s a jerk, it’s not that hard to be courteous for 15 minutes..
literally if it’s a whole beach, just swim a little further down. Maybe I’m the only one but I don’t see a problem with her asking, I’d be fine moving down, but that’s just me.” INtPDomaine
