People Need Our Input On Their Captivating "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
20. AITJ For Not Punishing My Son For Calling His Classmate's Food Weird?
“I (F32) got a private text this morning from the mother of my son’s (M7) classmate. She told me that apparently my son has been calling her daughter’s traditional lunch weird and things as such and apparently that is making her daughter feel uncomfortable and insecure.
She asked me to please talk to my son about being more sensitive and respectful so her daughter doesn’t feel excluded.
Now, I feel for this woman as a fellow mother. No one wants to see their child feeling sad, but overcoming insecurities is a big part of growing up.
Additionally, I thought it was ridiculous of her to criticize my son, a 7-year-old, for making relatively innocuous and curious comments about food that is not familiar to him. He’s at a curious age and is discovering the world, and I refuse to try and limit him and shut him down for not having the emotional sensitivity of an adult.
Politely, I told that mother that I was sorry her daughter was struggling with insecurities, and I found some online parenting articles about building your child’s confidence to send to her so she could use some tips to help her daughter out.
She replied and said I was acting completely shamelessly and disgracefully, and I am not able to text her anymore.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
She didn’t ask you to punish your son, she asked you to have a conversation with him. He’s not asking her questions out of curiosity. He’s calling another child’s cultural food ‘weird’ making her uncomfortable, and unintentionally highlighting her as a cultural ‘other’.
If you want to encourage his curiosity, then take it upon yourself to teach him how people eat all kinds of different foods all over the world, and that so many people eat food every day that he may have never heard of before. Take him to restaurants where he can be exposed to new kinds of foods.
But don’t enable him to continuously bother another child.
It was incredibly condescending of you to send parenting articles to another parent. She made a polite request of you, and you implied she doesn’t know how to parent. That was out of line and you should apologize.” JustheBean
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, if you do not teach your son now about respecting different cultures this will become a bigger issue in the future. This ‘relatively innocuous and curious comment’ is a good teaching moment. His classmate’s food is not ‘weird’ it is completely normal in her home and in many other homes that share her culture.
Her daughter does not need lessons on confidence, your son needs lessons on cultural differences. Parent your child!” Sea-Sky3177
19. AITJ For Telling My Sister-In-Law To Stop Acting Like A Mom To My Kids?
“My (21F) husband (22M) James and I have a beautiful daughter (1-year-old) and another child on the way. For context, my family and I live with James’ family (mom, Justine 43; brother, Liam 19; and grandmother, Kris 59), after we had some major financial struggles back in 2022.
They offered for us to live with them, to help us build our financials back up, and also help us raise our two children. We took the offer, and since then, everything has been very amazing since we moved in.
Liam has a significant other, Laura (18) and since she found out we were having our second child, has been very overbearing.
We’ve had many issues in the past when it comes to her and our first child, and now, James and I are anticipating that it’ll be that way again. I understand the excitement of a new baby, but the way she shows it… I’ll be the first to say, is a little stalker-ish/weird.
She constantly messages me with one of the following: wanting bump photos to show random people I do NOT know (her teachers, friends, etc), updates on how many days till my planned c-section, or asking me intimate details about doctor’s appointments (many of which I never told her about).
In person, she will talk to my stomach, saying ‘auntie’s baby’, ‘my gorgeous little baby’, or something similar. When we told everyone that we weren’t doing a gender reveal/baby shower, she was the most upset over the entire thing, saying that ‘she wanted to plan it’ and that ‘she was so excited to have people together’.
Recently, Laura and I had an argument that led to a fallout between everyone. The event that caused this, was when Laura forced my daughter to come with her from Justine’s room (when my daughter wanted to stay with her nana) and my daughter had a breath-holding spell (started because she was forced to do something she didn’t want to), leading to Laura holding her in a hug and blowing in her face to try and get her to breathe.
My daughter didn’t breathe for over 15 seconds, and the reason myself and James were so upset was that Laura refused to bring my daughter to me like I asked; Laura claimed she wanted to ‘show my daughter that she was kind’ and that ‘auntie cares about HER baby’, which this was absolutely not how to attempt that.
Like I said, this led to an argument that caused me to tell Laura to get out and to stop using our children as her little ‘surrogate babies’, as she has no kids of her own.
Liam and Justine are upset with me and James for ‘overreacting’, on top of some members of her family messaging me to say that I am a jerk for treating her the way I did.
Kris is 100% supportive of what I did and says she would have done the same thing if she was in my position. I have not spoken to her since the incident, and we both are trying to figure out a way to address this.
AITJ for this?
Any opinions or advice would be very much appreciated.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Laura refused to hand over your child when you asked and held your daughter in a ‘hug’ without her consent… which is basically tantamount to physically restraining your daughter.
Your child has the right to refuse ‘hugs’ from anyone she wants, she has the right to refuse to be dragged around like a doll – and you, as her mother, have the right to set boundaries.
You need to consider, right now, whether this living arrangement is going to continue to work if you have to worry about an 18-year-old literally physically restraining your child to keep her away from you. If you let this continue – with or without the rest of the family’s tacit approval – Laura’s behavior will only escalate.” claireclairey
Another User Comments:
“If Liam and Justine are ‘upset with’ OP for ‘overreacting’, OP and Husband need to think very carefully about MOVING OUT. By taking the side of Liam’s SO, the child’s grandmother isn’t respecting the parents’ rules, this would be a terrible situation to stay in, let alone bring another child into the mix.
Husband’s grandmother understands but is waiting for OP to make a move.
That should literally be the case. There IS financial support for young couples trying to buy their first home if that helps. Or consider shifting rooms if there’s enough space, to physically keep Liam’s SO blocked from access.
Everyone has to be on board for a parent to protect oneself and one’s children in a group living situation. NTJ and YWNBTJ to insist on a family meeting about this – what happened, why it is upsetting, and how to prevent this in the future.
Good luck!” rsqt314
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Mom of three and frankly if anything you’re all underreacting.
Laura is not a safe person to be around your children. Anyone who refuses to give you your child when you tell them to (asking isn’t even necessary, it’s YOUR child) is not a safe person.
Anyone who uses physical force on your child, especially without your consent, is not a safe person.
(Yes, there are exceptions. Laura’s behavior fits into no sane exceptions.)
Laura is at best immature and entitled, but she has had the rules explained to her multiple times and continues to choose to think she should be an exception to them.
Seeing as she is not four years old, that means she is not a safe person to be around your children.
Shift things a little. If this were a fifty-year-old man instead of an eighteen-year-old woman, would you be less horrified? More horrified? Just as horrified?
If this were someone you didn’t know at all, would it be suddenly okay behavior?
What I’m trying to point out is, Laura has a pattern of behavior that is not acceptable and is not safe – physically or emotionally – for your child, and she is being enabled by Liam and Justine.
All of them are in the wrong. You are not. They need to not be around your child (and definitely not without you being quite literally within arms’ reach of your child) until they get with the program.” soayherder
18. AITJ For "Stealing" Someone's Inheritance?
“My (m27) dad (61) had this friend Jay (M54). Growing up Jay was like an uncle to me. He taught me a lot of things about the world and was a huge mentor.
Jay has been married to May (F51) for ~30 years. But around 21 years ago Jay’s affair was exposed due to May’s sterility issues from which an illegitimate child (Kay) was born. Jay and May solved their issues and remained happily married. For 18 years Jay paid child support but other than that wanted absolutely nothing to do with Kay.
Yet, 3 years ago when Jay was diagnosed with cancer he tried to contact Kay, but at that point Kay refused.
Also, Jay had a brother who’s got 2 boys. Jay told me personally he never really approved of his SIL but they get along ‘fine’…
Sadly Jay passed away last week.
This wasn’t unexpected news because he’s been desperately fighting cancer for the past 3 years. I want to be transparent and admit that I was the one who convinced him to finally get checked and was there every step of the way with him. Used all my connections as a resident to get him the best treatment possible.
A lot of people showed up at the funeral, including Kay and Jay’s affair partner. It was heartwarming seeing so many people pay their respects, but May wasn’t pleased seeing Kay and the affair partner there. And after the funeral, as Jay’s executor May told everyone what was in his will: 40% of his estate with May, 20% to his 2 nephews (16&19), 5% (certain items & memorabilia) to his friends (my dad included), and the rest to me.
This caused a bit of outrage among 3 people in particular: Kay, the affair partner, and the SIL.
The SIL said her nephews should get more. Her eldest and Jay’s brother quickly shut her down though. From what Jay had told me about her she’s the kind of person to go to court over this but his brother seemed reasonable and understanding so hopefully, nothing happens.
Kay was livid. He went on about how dare Jay exclude him from his will when he couldn’t even bother being a father, etc. He basically went on a tirade criticizing a man at his funeral. He also threatened to sue everyone. At this point, everyone got incredibly irritated, because in my country if he sues he is likely to at least get something.
So I stepped in and made him an offer: I’ll give him about 5% right now, and he leaves everyone alone, we don’t see his face ever again.
His reply was that I can go screw myself, that I’m an entitled jerk who doesn’t deserve anything from Jay, and that he’s gonna sue for everything.
I told him that he is welcome to sue, but if he does I’ll try my best to make sure he receives nothing and also has to pay for our court fees.
So that was that at the funeral. I’m waiting for him to sue at this point.
But the thing is, today while hanging out with my friends I told the story. I thought it would be funny or entertaining. The thing is, a few of my friends disagreed. They called Jay a jerk for ‘abandoning’ Kay for 21 years, and me one for fighting for funds I don’t need and denying Kay his birthright.”
Another User Comments:
“The real jerk here is Jay.
He had an affair and made it clear to Kay that all he would ever be was an ATM. It’s not a surprise that Kay said fine, you wanna be nothing but an ATM, then you’ll get treated like an ATM.
And of course, Kay hates you since his father was more of a father to you than his own child.
That being said, I do believe the right thing to do is give the money to Kay. It sounds like the country you are in favors offspring, so legally you may have to anyway.
But it would feel so icky to me to keep that money knowing that Jay abandoned his only child.” Worldly-Ad-7207
Another User Comments:
“You are not the jerk. And your friends are wrong. While he was not a parent in the sense he could have been (or should have) he paid support for his son and tried to reach out to him and was shut down.
The son made it clear that he wasn’t interested. The man left the money where he wanted it to go. You were like a son to him and b***d doesn’t make you family. NO one is entitled to anything. I am so tired of the statement from people that it’s their ‘right/birthright’.
If I choose to blow all my savings on myself before I die and no one gets anything and the kids get mad so be it. It’s not my job to line anyone’s pockets when I am dead unless I choose to.” Neat-Ad-7690
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – starting with the simplest angle, Jay can distribute his estate as he sees fit, period. This is true even when there are no issues of out-of-wedlock paternity. Jay leaving you a chunk of the inheritance is legally no different than if he willed that chunk to his church.
The fact that it’s going outside the family is irrelevant. Kay isn’t entitled to it. And leaving one or another of the offspring out of the distribution happens all the time, even absent the love-child angle. Again, Kay isn’t entitled to it.
Second, Jay tried to contact Kay several years back and Kay disowned him.
He doesn’t get to waltz back in and loot the corpse.
Third, disrupting the funeral and threatening to sue everyone in reach makes him a jerk.
Kay has the right to be unhappy about the distribution plan. Making trouble and expense for people whose only crime was to be recipients is wrong.” avast2006
17. AITJ For Telling My Son If He Wants To Drop Out Of High School, He Has To Pay Rent?
“My son David told me that he wants to drop out of high school. He’s not being bullied and enjoys hanging out with his buddies at school.
He just doesn’t like waking up at 7:30 every day and he thinks that school is a waste of time because he finds the teachers boring/annoying and would rather try to become a professional YouTuber. I tried to persuade David because he has less than a year and a half left of high school.
He can still make YouTube videos on the side, but unless he becomes famous, he won’t be able to make a living off of it. And it’s impossible to get a decent job or promotion nowadays without a diploma. Plus, if he ever changed his mind about going to college then a high school diploma would give him that option.
But David was not listening and said he would just wait until his 18th birthday (in October) when he would be able to drop out without me or his mother’s consent.
I spoke to my wife and we then sat down with David. We told David that we would allow him to drop out of school, but if he drops out, he has two choices: Either get a job and start paying rent at 18 or be out of the house.
David told us we were being ridiculous because he would never be able to pay the rent we were asking unless he works two fast food jobs. We told David that that is going to be his reality if he’s a high school dropout.
If he wants to be treated as an adult and make a huge adult choice like dropping out of high school, then we will treat him as an adult and let him face adult consequences.
David was not happy, but the talk has luckily worked because he says he is no longer going to drop out of high school.
Most of the other parents we have talked to said my wife and I did the right thing because part of being a parent is stepping in when your child is about to make a huge mistake. But several other parents have told us that we are being too controlling because David will be a legal adult in a few months and we should let him make his own life choices.
My wife and I think letting David drop out of school would be ridiculous and as parents, we’re supposed to step in before he makes such a huge mistake. But several people agreed that we were being too controlling, so I want some unbiased perspectives.
Are my wife and I the jerks?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You were not controlling. You sat him down and treated him like an adult, not like the child he was trying to be. You told him the consequences of his decision before he made it and allowed him to make an informed decision.
You didn’t say no.
An adult has a job and pays bills. If he doesn’t like your rules yes he can leave, but that would also involve getting a paying job and paying bills. Something that, as you said, unless he gets really famous real fast will involve working 2/3 jobs for high school dropouts.
And he would have less time for youtube. By the time he gets to 18 in October, he is 7 months from graduating and will be grateful when he has choices.” trash_panda_lou
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Just because they turn 18 and become legal adults doesn’t mean they are developmentally adults.
You did the right thing. If he thought that dropping out of high school was a smart move, you let him really think about what it means to be a self-supporting adult and just how realistic it is to try to do that without even a high school diploma.
You didn’t beat him. You didn’t kick him out of the house on 10 minutes’ notice. And you absolutely let him make his own choice. You just gave him realistic conditions in which to make that choice.” Miriamathome
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You ARE allowing him to make his own choices.
He can choose to drop out but if he does, he will have to pay rent or move out. He needs to think of his future. Why doesn’t he stay in school and then perhaps do further education in media studies, photography, videography, etc? It’s something that could support his dream but not everyone makes it on YouTube and he will need an alternative income stream while he builds up his subscribers.
He doesn’t want to put in the work but everything takes work. Keep doing what you’re doing, your job as a parent is to raise your child and get them ready to go out into the world happy, healthy & whole.” peanuts_mum
16. AITJ For Not Wanting My Husband To Go To A Bachelor Party?
“I (30f) just had an emergency c-section 6 weeks ago with our daughter who ended up in the NICU for 2 weeks.
She almost died, but other than the mental effect the whole experience had on me, that part is irrelevant.
My husband told me he is going for a weekend bachelor party trip like a 9 hr drive away within the next weeks. We have a two-year-old in addition to our newborn and I already do 90% of the caretaking since I am on maternity leave (unpaid).
He currently works nights so the only time he spends with our children is about 2 hours in the evening and then he typically goes back to sleep until his shift begins, so he also spends no time with me.
I literally never get to leave the house, I rarely even get the opportunity to take a bath every day.
How is it fair or considerate of him to be able to take this trip?
If the kids were a little older and he already spent more time with us, I wouldn’t care. But I’m drowning both mentally and physically as it is.
AITJ for not wanting him to go? And thinking that it’s inappropriate to be leaving me alone with a newborn and toddler to go party?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. 2 hours in the evening is hardly spending time with them at all when he doesn’t see them for the other 22 hours of the day.
Also, I don’t know much about c-sections but I’m sure you’re not fully recovered after just 6 weeks. And he wants to leave you (vulnerable from surgery) alone with a toddler and a newborn? You’re definitely not wrong about how you feel about it. He sounds like a clueless, unhelpful, and absent partner… that’s putting it nicely.
If I were you, I would definitely give him a piece of my mind and possibly even tell him I’ll be rethinking the relationship if a stupid bachelor’s party is more important than the family he helped create. Soooo NTJ.” AwkwardFoodie978
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
If you haven’t already, I’d tell him exactly what you wrote here. Then he’s free to make whatever decision he likes. If he still decides to go after you clearly communicated your needs and feelings about the situation, then it’s on him completely. I’m a big fan of communicating and saying exactly what’s on your mind.
I’d sit him down when you’re both relaxed and say ‘You going on this bachelor’s party trip doesn’t sit right with me. I need you here with me. I know you want to have fun with the guys but now isn’t the right time. I’m struggling with XYZ and the newborn, and I want my man by my side.’
Vulnerable, real, and honest.” Yeah_youre_right
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are basically a single mother dealing with a newborn and a toddler after emergency surgery. Your status as sole caretaker will likely never change. You must decide if you want to remain in a dead relationship with a selfish nonparent.
He will go for the weekend no matter what you say. He doesn’t care about you or his kids. If you do leave him, I doubt he will bother ever seeing his own children. If you decide you would rather have a real relationship someday, you must start planning for it.
Do you have any family or friends that can help?” sonarblips
15. AITJ For Saying My Partner Is Controlling?
“So there was a period of time that my mom wasn’t speaking to me or my partner at all (our kids are 4 & 2). She’s done this a couple of times now usually for 3 to 6 months. I met up with my mom a while ago and we’ve been chatting here and there since, yesterday I was going to video call my mom about something unrelated and was going to do so in the living room where my partner and kids were.
My partner said ‘You’re going to have the kids video call with her? I don’t think that’s a good idea’. Her reasoning was that things haven’t been resolved and they should be before the kids get to know her, specifically our toddler because she can remember who people are now.
When I asked if she ever gave my mom a chance to resolve things she said she had asked to talk a few times but my mom said no.
I got super annoyed and said she needs to realize that other people have things going on in their life.
The kids have a right to see my mom or at least know who she is or what she looks like. My mom hasn’t done anything bad to the children directly to make us keep them from her. If she is uncomfortable she can go upstairs while I talk to my mom with my children.
Do I ever say I don’t want our kids to talk to her family? (I don’t).
I also mentioned that I see posts on a social media group all the time where literally everybody says that she or whoever is isolating the person from their family and she’s doing that.
She said I was acting like she was being controlling and saying they weren’t allowed to talk to my mom at all (which I think she is) and that I was being a jerk for saying all these things instead of just trying to resolve things with my mom.
Does she just expect my mom to call her out of the blue and talk about that?
I called my mom after (alone) and my partner asked if I brought it up while speaking to her. I said she could message my mom herself and she said she was tired of being rejected. We haven’t spoken much since.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Your mom needs to sort out her relationship with you and your partner before she is exposed to your kids. Your kids can’t have people popping in and out of their lives like that.
And guess whose job it is to sort out the relationship with YOUR mother?
Yours. Not your partner’s.
It sounds like you’ve normalized a lot of dysfunction around your mother that you have not come to terms with. Counseling can help sort some of that out and would be recommended in a situation like this.” imothro
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Your mom and you should first fix your issues. Have a real talk, get to the bottom of your problems, lay boundaries, state expectations, and concerns, etc.
It is not your partner’s job to fix your mom’s issues.
Your mom ‘not speaking’ to you for over a period of time is called SILENT TREATMENT.
It is not healthy behavior and is a huge red flag in relationships. Psychologists even say that it is an abuse tactic.
Let’s say you introduce your kids to your mom. And let’s say mommy has another bout of a silent treatment episode. In that situation, your kids will ask ‘Where is Grandma?
Why isn’t Grandma talking to us? Why does Grandma hate us?’ What will you tell your kids? Have you thought about that? Because if you don’t resolve your issues right now, this same behavior will be repeated in the future and your kids are going to get hurt.
I totally get why your partner doesn’t want the kids in the midst of all this drama!” HannahPoppyMommy
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
I think the fact your Mother keeps ghosting you is already a red enough flag to justify your partner’s request.
Your Mother is not entitled to your children.
You also appear to make this your partner’s problem even though this literally looks like it’s a case of your Mother being a jerk.
Your partner shouldn’t have to go out of her way to address problems with your Mother when she’s the one creating them.
You also come off as a bad partner by not listening to your partner or forming a unified front.
Further, you admit to actively talking to your Mother, while also refusing to address the problem YOUR MOTHER is creating.” Ok-Ramen
14. AITJ For Wanting My Husband's Sisters To Move Out?
“My husband and I built a house a few years ago with extra bedrooms thinking it would be great to host family… now a few years later two of his siblings live with us.
For context purposes, the older one pays us rent, but the younger one only contributes very little (utility contribution) because they are in school and we wanted to help them save money.
Onto the issue: I find myself carrying the burden of managing the household for everyone.
I am also a mom and work full time so the load is already heavy.
The older sibling has not contributed to any form of cleaning of the home (or participating in chores) since they moved in. I can count on one hand how many times they have made dinner for the household.
Cleaning bathroom? Nope. Cleaning dishes? Nope. Eating our food? Of course. There’s more, but I guess it didn’t bother me as much until the 2nd sibling moved in and acted identically to the 1st sibling… meaning double the work.
Today I spent hours cleaning out the pantry and fridge throwing away expired crap and brand-new bags of Costco-sized food.
I just couldn’t believe the amount of work I did today just in the kitchen while also managing a young sick kid and all the things that come with that. I was exhausted, to be frank. But not just from today, it seems like everything just piles up.
I really want them gone, it’s been too many months of living like this, and too many talks and reminders to each of them separately with no changes. When my husband got home tonight I just unloaded on him – my emotions were high, I was very upset and hurt (crying etc), and he basically told me to stop acting like this, this shouldn’t consume my thoughts, and we don’t have to address it now, and he didn’t understand why I was so upset.
I just wanted to vent about the mental load of managing so many tasks for so many people, and he didn’t want to hear anything about me being overwhelmed. It’s really hurtful to me to not be able to express myself without being shut down immediately.
He didn’t want to talk about resolution, or what we should do, literally anything I brought up was responded to with ‘You keep going on about this’… I don’t even know how to respond to that. I mean, yeah I’m uncomfortable in my own home, and I’m exhausted, and things need to change ‘but it doesn’t have to change tonight!’ Sigh.
Am I really blowing this out of proportion? Am I the jerk? Please help me.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It sounds like he doesn’t care because it doesn’t affect him – you’re the one carrying the majority of the load. So stop.
Take care of yourself and your kid, and everyone else has to figure out their own crap. You may (and by may, I mean almost definitely will) need to get a lockbox to go in your fridge to keep them from consuming the food you buy for you and your kid and a similar one in the pantry.
Do only what is necessary for you two.
As for the others, you can tell them that when they choose to be contributing adults, you can all work together as a household, but they are not your children and you won’t tend them as if they were.
Make an announcement and do it.” KaliTheBlaze
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – It seems this laziness runs in his family. He should be helping around the house too and he doesn’t have the excuse that he works because you work too. He ignores your concerns and gaslights you and makes you feel like you’re wrong for having these very appropriate feelings about people who live in your home.
I personally would be leaving the chores and waiting to see how long it takes them to come to you to complain about it. I wager that they won’t lift a finger to do any cleaning, they will just come to you to complain. You can then turn this back on them and tell them that they’re being ridiculous and it doesn’t need to be fixed tonight etc. Use his words against them… Then tell them they have 2 good hands and are capable of doing it all themselves.
This isn’t going to change until you make sure it changes, even if it means moving out for a little while so they can see that you’re serious about this.” West-Kaleidoscope129
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The best solution is to sit down with everyone and have a serious talk.
Tell them exactly how you’re feeling without leaving anything out and tell his sisters that if they want to continue staying there, they need to be fairly contributing to the household chores. You have every right to demand this, with or without your husband’s consent given that you seem to be the caretaker of the house.
Have a separate talk with your husband and tell him you’re not putting up with it anymore. If they don’t like it and think you’re overreacting still, book yourself a solo vacation or go stay in a hotel for a week or 2. See how easy they think your job is then.” ParkityParkPark
13. AITJ For Being Upset At A Friend For Trying To Help Me With My Mental Health?
“I (28f) have a family friend ‘Lisa’ (42f), she’s been in the family for years and is a friend of my parents. It is very well known that I struggle with depression and always have and it’s also worth noting that I am a very private person.
A couple of weeks ago she asked me to come along with her on an out-of-town trip to meet her family. She wanted me to bring my son (7) along and said it was just a chance to give me a bit of a break from life.
She asked me to bring my son because there would be kids around and thought it would be good for him to make some friends. I thought it was really sweet.
Just before arriving, she told me the real reason she invited me was because she has a depressed relative and wanted to show me what my future was going to look like if I didn’t ‘sort out’ my depression.
I felt sick and told her this was extremely manipulative and I drove home after we exchanged some words. I haven’t spoken to her since. She’s been texting me saying I owe her an apology and that I’m going to end up like her relative if I don’t let her help me.
I just think it’s not her responsibility to save me, I didn’t ask for it and I have been perfectly capable of handling my own mental health.
My family have all sided with her and have said it was a good gesture and I’m a jerk for not hearing her out.
I feel sick to my stomach. I haven’t even told her about my mental health so she took it upon herself to run with the information she had got from my parents and bombard me. It has made me want to stop sharing altogether.
I’m not speaking with my family at the moment either because they think I should apologize.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – She crossed a line.
She somehow thinks taking you to see another depressed person who isn’t doing too well will somehow make you want to deal with your mental health, something she knows little about.
Not only that she is using that other person as a pawn by sharing their mental health issues and lifestyle with you. That’s disgusting in my opinion. People aren’t toys that can be played with and their mental health isn’t some sort of teaching tool to use against them or you… That other person is a victim of this too because it’s unlikely they agreed to this.
Your parents need to be told to stop talking about you to other people and if this were me I’d tell them if they didn’t stop I would go no contact permanently.” West-Kaleidoscope129
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I’ve found that it is a very rare person who can understand depression without actually haven’t gone through it, either as a one-time thing or a lifetime thing.
What she did to you is first off way out of line, and second would be of absolutely no help at all, either to you or to the person she was going to bring you to, it would be sort of interesting to know if that person had any idea of what was coming.
I fervently hope that you come to peace with yourself, and if you think you need help you can reach out on your own terms. It reads like you do fine on your own, if so that’s great. Your family needs to learn/realize that the ‘fixing’ if even needed, has to start with you, not with some misguided trap.
Good luck to you, you don’t owe anyone an apology, I can see a few being owed to you from your family as much as the ‘friend.'” DueMap4190
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. RUN. RUN FAR. That is so obnoxious and self-serving of her and your family clearly doesn’t care for your mental health either.
That’s basically shaming you and that other family member for health problems that aren’t y’all’s fault. As someone who’s got major depressive disorder and has had not-so-good talks with family as well, don’t even bother with them. They ALL owe you an apology and personally, I’d keep away.
Maybe let them have relations with my kid, but that’s also very 50/50. My dad had a bad relationship with his family but tried to keep my relationship with them but I hated every one of them, and I wish he never forced me to have a relationship with them.
So to each their own.” LawfulnessGlass9162
12. WIBTJ If I Hire A Lawyer To Advocate On Behalf Of My Son?
“My son is 15. In our state, kids can petition the court of their own volition to amend custody at the age of 16. My son wants to take advantage of this option.
My son has a complicated relationship with his dad.
Dad has been consistently gaslighting him about his mental health and learning disabilities. He says really hurtful things to him when he’s angry, and then pretends like nothing has happened. He shames him for having anxiety and panic attacks.
I have encouraged my son to talk to his dad about his desire to have less time there, and we did recently amend custody so that he doesn’t have to visit for more than 6 weeks in a stretch.
But my son says he doesn’t want Dad to change because he fears losing custody… he wants him to change because treating him (my son) with respect is the right thing to do.
So my question is… would I be the jerk if I hired a lawyer to advocate on behalf of my son instead of continuing to advocate for as much of a relationship as dad is willing/able to have?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – maybe this is my own personal bias showing through (been in no contact with my own father for almost 5 years now), but I don’t think a man who treats his son this way, specifically mocking and disregarding mental health issues and learning disabilities, is ever going to take any sort of counseling seriously.
Even if you could get him in the door, I highly doubt things would improve at all; in fact, in many cases abusers use language they pick up in therapy to gaslight their victims even more, so you may wind up making things worse trying to facilitate a reconciliation.
Amending the custody agreement so your son has as little contact with his father as possible sounds like the best option to me.” femmeforeverafter1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I would definitely pursue the therapy option first as others have said. Even if Dad doesn’t keep the bargain, your son could use it still to help bolster positive self-esteem and undo some of the damage Dad has already done to him.
You may want to join in so as to gain some helpful tips on supporting your son effectively.
If Dad refuses to go to therapy and flakes out, pursue the lawyer option for your son. But make sure it is clear that the lawyer is for your son and does what’s best for him.
Not you and what you desire. That can get you in a lot of legal hot water. I wish you the best of luck!” Efficient-Jacket-386
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your son has expressed a desire to take advantage of the option available to him. That’s his right, you’re just providing the financial means for him to do that.
Since he’s a minor, he can’t make a contract but you can as ‘next friend of’ your son. Your son will have to explain to the court why he wants to make this change. He will have to talk (to his lawyer at least) about what his dad does and how it makes him feel.
Be prepared to support him emotionally through the process. It wouldn’t be bad to have him see a therapist, either.
I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with your son. It’s just that he will need help coming to terms with the fact that his dad won’t change because it’s the right thing to do.
If his dad was going to do the right thing, he would have done it long ago. Your son will need some help (from a disinterested third party) accepting that his father won’t change.” Legitimate-Moose-816
11. WIBTJ If I Keep My Dad's Dog?
“My (32M) partner ‘Ellen’ (33F) and I have been together for two years and seven months, and have been living in the same (my) house for eight months.
The issue in question arose when my dad (58M) gave me his dog ‘Mila’ (6? F) (she was a rescue, so we don’t know her exact age). Before I had even met Ellen I made a promise with my dad to take Mila in if he couldn’t care for her, which is something I discussed with Ellen before she even moved in, and she had no complaints then.
My dad fell ill four months ago, and of course, I took Mila in. He is not getting better, so he asked me to officially adopt her, and I agreed. Ellen was furious that I made this decision without consulting her, despite me having told her about the arrangement in the past. Although I feed, walk, groom, and manage all of Mila’s needs, financially and otherwise, Ellen said she had to ‘put her foot down’ on this issue.
I asked Ellen if there were any specific reasons she was so opposed to us keeping Mila, and she stated the following: She said that since she works from home full time (whereas I’m closer to 50/50) that I can’t understand how much having a dog around affects her work (she makes clay art, crockery, that sort of thing); Having a dog is expensive, and it will be a drain on our finances (which are not joined, I’ll note, and I’ve paid for everything so far); It will make it more difficult for us if we ever want to have a child; Our house is not huge, so it doesn’t make sense to have a big dog like Mila; She has friends who have severe dog hair allergies, and she doesn’t want them to feel they can’t visit anymore.
(None of her complaints had anything to do with any bad behavior. Mila does not jump on people or furniture, bite, or bark at visitors, she will follow commands to leave a room if they’re given to her, etc.)
I see that these are reasonable objections to not taking Mila in but I stayed firm in my position.
Ellen said that if I loved her, I would make other arrangements, and at this stage, I was getting a bit angry so what I said next may have been a little harsh. I told her ‘Love has nothing to do with this. My first responsibilities are my dad and Mila, and nothing you say will convince me to send her away.
If you seriously can’t cope with that, you can get out of my home.’
Ellen burst into tears at this and left to go stay with her mom, citing that I clearly need time to ‘think this over’. A bunch of her friends who know me have been telling me that I’m a total jerk for prioritizing a dog over my partner of nearly three years, but my own friends have been telling me to stand my ground.
Ellen has been radio silent, has not come home, and is not responding to my texts. So I guess I’m looking for some unbiased opinions on the matter. WIBTJ if I kept Mila?”
Another User Comments:
“You’re in a tough one.
I get her being an artist and feeling her work is altered by the dog but there are simple solutions to this without having to get rid of the dog.
Like, she can do her work in a room Mila doesn’t have access to.
She gave you an ultimatum that was not fair. You were honoring a promise that you had before you met Ellen and she was aware of and agreed to the promise.
Now she’s complaining. That’s on her.
Now where things get sticky is when you tell her you prioritize your dad and Mila over your partner. Regardless of who the jerk is, you’re going to want to sort this out with Ellen or prepare to lose your partner over this arrangement.
You basically told her straight up my dad and my dog mean more to me than you do. That’s probably why she is so upset. This might be true at your stage of relationship but sometimes you can be less blunt.
That said, YWNBTJ for keeping Mila.” carnival345
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is not a new issue. All successful relationships/marriages are based on compromise. You communicated this to her before and she understood. This isn’t some random dog. At this point with your father falling ill, it could actually be a therapy dog too, when you visit him.
Knowing that his dog is being taken care of by his son surely feeds his spirit during this difficult time and for your partner to use this as a ‘If you love me’ moment and make you choose?
She lost and she should have. And she’ll use this line in the future too, which is extremely manipulative.
I’ve been with my husband for close to 24 years and neither one of us has ever said that. If you break now with that line, be ready for her to use it over and over, just to get her way.” ratfink_111
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It sounds like she never wanted the dog around to begin with but just agreed with whatever you said in order to move in. She probably thought that once she was living in your home, you’d become so enthralled by her that you’d do whatever she said.
Boy, was she in for a surprise.
Her reasons are flailing, and show that she’s just trying to spew out whatever she can think of, and hoping something will stick. When that didn’t work, she resorted to the, ‘If YoU lOvE mE…’ garbage.
You have one father. Girls will come and go.
Why would you want to have a child with someone who doesn’t like dogs, anyway?” ChynaSapphire
10. AITJ For Calling Out My Brother's Hypocrisy?
“I have a younger brother who is a complete jerk. I moved out as soon as I could to get away from my parent’s rules and his telling them every time I broke them.
I wasn’t going to change. My parents punished me whenever I was caught breaking the rules.
I accepted that they could do that but not their rules. I found a part-time job and lived with questionable roommates in more questionable situations. I enrolled in community college. After two years now I will be attending a fully accredited university next fall. I am going into a fair bit of debt to do it but I think it is manageable.
I love my family but not their rules so I visit for a meal then leave. My brother is now a senior and was planning on attending a Christian university. He had received a partial scholarship that made it so with our parent’s help, he could graduate debt free.
At a New Year’s party I attended I met up with some friends from high school. This is where I found out my brother and his partner had a pregnancy scare.
Long story short, I got wasted at the party and came hungover to my parent’s house the next day.
I, as always, skipped church. My brother as always was a jerk about it. He kept talking loudly and bothering me when I was trying to nap on the couch.
So I said if he was always this way it was no wonder his woman left him after she found out she wasn’t pregnant.
I wished I could’ve taken it back as soon as I said it.
Mostly because I never intended to tattle. But also a fair bit because all the yelling that followed sucked for my hangover.
I guess my parents spoke with the girl’s family and the pastor of their church.
My brother had to sign an honor code or something and the university also requires it. And yes I know contracts aren’t binding on minors. I don’t think it’s a legal thing. More like a chastity pledge.
The pastor contacted the school and withdrew his letter of recommendation for my brother.
So now he has no scholarship. Now my parents are concerned about his future that they messed up. They are talking about selling the car they bought for him to help pay for school. He is lucky enough to have been accepted elsewhere.
He is very angry with me for snitching.
Which I would not have done if he wasn’t being a jerk.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Actions have consequences. He chose to lie to everyone. He chose to go against the rules. He’s just mad that he got caught. He ruined his chances and reputation not you.
He knew what he was doing to you all along and had no problem causing issues for you with your parents. But now that he’s on the receiving end of it he doesn’t like it so much? He can go cry. Don’t need to feel bad for his plight.
Maybe this is karma getting back to him for all he’s done to you. Or God’s work to rid him of entitlement. Be happy.” dcookie22
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your brother is a hypocrite, and technically, YOU didn’t lose him the scholarship, your parents did because they told the pastor.
It’s natural to feel a little guilt, that shows you are a decent person. But come on, OP, let yourself off the hook, because you aren’t responsible for all of this, your hypocrite, snatchy brother, and your holier-than-thou parents are.” maidenmothercrone333
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Once you reach a certain age, you will realize that nothing stays secret. People hate being forced to suffer the NATURAL CONSEQUENCES of their actions. That’s all this is. You aren’t punishing him, they are. You might have just saved your brother from a lifetime of personal torture from leading a double life and having secret sin that matters in his public life.
People get messed up over that. You are a hero. You saved him.” kitkatcoco
9. AITJ For Making My Sister Ditch Her Work To Pick Up Her Kids?
“10 months ago my sister (31) was in a bad place so my husband (35) and I (33) paid to move her and her children (15M and 3M) cross country. We set her up with a place to live with a friend, and we let her borrow our van and got her a cell phone.
And for the last 10 months, she didn’t look for work or help with rent/bills, which led our friend to move out into a place he could afford on his own.
About 3 weeks ago she got a job and said the apartment would be ready in 2 weeks, she planned on staying in a hotel in the interim.
She called me on Friday and asked if she could come to hang out on Saturday, no prob. Then she asked if she and the kids could stay the night, her pets (dog and 2 boy cats) are fine in the van, alright. I’ll reschedule my birthday plans.
Sunday she says she’s signing the papers for the apt on Monday, so just one more night, fine.
Monday night she came back and said she put in the application at the apt, she’s sure she’ll be approved by Friday. At this point I’m pretty annoyed, I spent Tuesday afternoon (my birthday) venting to my husband, and my sister sends me a text that her cat had kittens in my van.
She assures me that she told me about the female feral cat she took in, but she didn’t. So Tuesday night into Wednesday morning she goes out to the van a dozen+ times to heat it up for the cats. My dogs bark at the door all night.
When we get up in the morning to get our kids to school, we find that my sister’s kids are still there, and she’s not. I have an appointment in 30 minutes to tour a facility for my grandmother, and after that, my husband had plans for my birthday.
So I called my sister and found out that she’d gone to work. I told her she can’t just leave her kids here, that they’re supposed to be in school, her oldest has autism and isn’t self-sufficient, so I can’t just leave them, and I told her she needs to leave work and come get them now.
She said it isn’t her fault, the car was out of gas when she got up, so she couldn’t take them. She said she thought I could just take them when I got up (I don’t even know what schools they go to!). I reminded her that I had an appointment and birthday plans and that what she was doing was unacceptable.
She said she didn’t know that her staying with us was such a burden, and I assured her that wasn’t the problem and that my issue was her taking advantage of me.
So her response was to call me selfish (along with some stronger words), say this was ‘only a small favor’ and I ‘couldn’t just help her out this once’.
She came back, told me not to worry, that she’ll never ask for my help ever again and she and the kids will just sleep in the van in the cold, then ‘enjoy your day princess’, and left. My husband went to the appointment and I cried all day.
I feel awful, I know boundaries are important, plus we have 4 other siblings in town she could probably stay with, but my heart hurts. Was I wrong to make my stand here, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – good riddance, sister is still a child.
OP you need to get yourself into therapy as soon as possible and discuss why you’re such an enabler. Fix this about yourself now, before you become the enabler to your own kids. It’s really important because otherwise, your kids could grow to be just like this sister.
I suspect a parent was also an enabler and you learned that this is what you do to ‘be nice and take care of family’. Guess what! It’s not. You do NOT keep ‘giving’ to someone who is a ‘taker’. Your behavior toward your sister hasn’t been nice or helped her until just now when you finally demanded you be treated respectfully, and forced her to stand on her own two feet.
Very thankful that your sister has cut contact. Now keep it that way until you can get a stronger backbone.” OkSeat4312
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! Everything else aside, she neglected to fill the tank and failed to ask you for your help with the kids.
You have patiently accommodated her. It’s absolutely reasonable for you to expect your sister to make plans for her own kids. Even if you had been spouses with shared responsibility for the children, instead of one sibling doing a favor by letting her stay (and stay, and stay…), it still would have been unreasonable for her to expect you to drop everything and look after the gas tank, the prep for school, and transportation to school, without talking about it and coordinating with you.
Sorry about the disappointment and pain you’re feeling. It’s normal to feel disappointment about your birthday plans, and anger about her actions, and pain about her meanness and rudeness, and lack of respect or appreciation for you. You deserve acknowledgment for all of your love and kindness and a great celebration for your birthday.” learning_moose
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Honestly, you need to call Child Protective Services because she is not capable of taking care of her kids on her own. I’m guessing her pets are still in your van. She abandoned them just like she abandoned her kids. I know it will be expensive but have them spayed/neutered. The feral mom and kittens need to be taken to a shelter.
If you can take in the other pets, do so. If not, try to find them homes or take them to the same (no-kill) shelter with the feral mom and kittens. NONE of this is your fault. You and your husband spent almost a year trying to help your sister get her act together.
She didn’t. Not only that, but you’re also looking out for your grandmother as well.
You say you have 4 other siblings in town. Why aren’t any of them stepping up to the plate and helping? We all have different roles in our families. Your assigned role in your family is ‘The Fixer.’ They expect you to fix whatever messy situations arise.
Instead of spending money to support your sister, spend that money on therapy sessions to help you get used to saying ‘No’ to your family without guilt. I’m not saying you have to quit looking out for your grandmother. I looked out for mine, too.
But all the rest of their problems? They need to fix those for themselves.” Legitimate-Moose-816
8. AITJ For Prioritizing A Bath Over Bonding With My Partner's Nieces?
“My (25F) partner (27M) recently took in his nieces (9 and 3).
It was all agreed upon by me beforehand, but we also agreed that I just do not want to play mummy – I will help out when needed, ensure they’re taken care of, and have what they need (clothes, toys, etc). I also do spend time with them when I have time, on the weekend.
For the time being my partner took reduced hours, I work 5 days a week with different shifts and different places so 3 days a week I’m out from 6 am-8 pm and two days a week I’m out from 7:20-6:30. I’ve considered asking for extra hours on those two days, an extra hour or two (obviously some time does include travel time).
The money is good, we’re comfortable but I earn most of it which means I can’t reduce/nor do I want to reduce my hours, even if I am exhausted.
I got home the other day and straight away the 3-year-old needs attention from me, so I give her a cuddle and tell my partner I’m getting in the shower… when the 9-year-old tries talking to me, I told them I’d be off Saturday and we’d go to the zoo and spend the day together but my feet hurt and I want a bath.
(It was 9 pm, they should’ve been in bed… I do talk to them! Had it been any other day I would’ve spoken to them, I’d had a longer day due to someone not turning up.)
I got out of the bath, tidied the house a little, and went to bed – my partner was a little funky with me and told me I was a major jerk for not even spending 5 minutes speaking to the children when I got in and that I could’ve gotten in the bath afterward knowing they’re going through a lot right now.
He didn’t even join us at the zoo saying that I ‘need alone time to bond with them since I absolutely refuse to cooperate during the week’ and he’s saying his family is saying I’m a jerk, and he ‘wants to clarify how he feels when he goes to therapy next’.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re running into a scenario that many women have been in and it usually happens after they have kids with a partner. This is a gift for you to see how your partner really parents and what he expects from a woman in a relationship with kids.
And he’s going to use weapons like telling you his family doesn’t like you. He is really showing you who he is.
It’s a gift really. You can try to work through this now but be aware he likely has some very set ideas about how this was going to go.
And your partner may be unwilling or unable to let go of those expectations.” deb9266
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You were very clear that you don’t want to play mom, but he’s rewriting the script so that you’re an auntie/a woman who clearly has to deal with kids because you’re a woman.
Tell him that he’s being sexist and you need time and space, otherwise, you’re going to burn out when you’ve already told him before this all started what your boundaries were. You work a lot. He’s finding out very quickly what being a parent is like and he’s not liking it and trying to shuffle the responsibility onto you.
And then again, rewriting it because it’s about bonding and what the kids are going through.
Honestly? I’d sit down and talk to him about this. If he’s feeling stressed out about it and guilty that he’s stressed out and that’s why he’s lashing out at you over this, then he needs to rethink if this is the right move for him, you, and the kids.
It’s one thing to be an uncle, it’s another to be a full-time caregiver of two children under 10.
But hey, this is giving you a very good look into what your future with him would be like with kids, so you might want to keep that in mind.” WikkidWitchly
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Run! Before he tries to trap you with marriage or tries getting you pregnant. After this guilt trip that he just planned I’m sure that will be his next game plan. I also wouldn’t be surprised if he suddenly decided that he wants you to quit your job… just so you’ll be stuck at home with his responsibilities.
Don’t make the mistake of believing that he wants the money you bring in more than the chance of having you under his foot as a stay-at-home mom. Also, recognize that SOME men are willing to marry ANY woman, just to have someone at home to rule over.” Secret-Photograph561
7. AITJ For Not Letting A Former Friend Crash At My Place?
“During my first semester of graduate school, I (24f) became fast friends with this gal (also 24f) who we will call Amy. Every once in a while, Amy would spend the night at my house after class (or after a night of drinking) because I lived within walking distance from campus and she lived over an hour’s drive away.
In January, Amy and I made plans to attend a weekend-long school-sponsored conference. The conference wasn’t until March, but it was out of town so we needed to book flights and hotels right away.
To save money, we booked our flights for 5, the morning of the conference.
We booked our flights out of the airport near my house because that was also the cheapest airport to fly out of. Since Amy lives so far away, we decided that she should spend the night at my house the night before our 5 am flight.
We booked everything in January.
As January and February passed, Amy started acting weird. She would get super jealous of me in school; for example, she told me, ‘The only reason the men in our group voted for your project proposal is that they think you’re hot.’ (Which, to be honest, is partially true.
I am hot and well-liked in our program, but I’m also very creative and hard-working in group projects.) After several rude/snarky comments toward me, Amy and I got into a huge fight about this particular group project. She ended up quitting our group because she felt that she could do a better project by working alone.
She was really mean about it, too, and accused me of being a bully and a sociopath. I started to feel nervous around her, so I stopped engaging her almost completely.
We hadn’t spoken in over two weeks when it was time to attend the conference.
The night before, she texted me to confirm that she will be sleeping at my house. WHAT?! I didn’t realize she was still expecting to stay with me because she had previously accused me of bullying her. And, like, if it were me, I wouldn’t want to touch my aggressor with a ten-foot pole, let alone voluntarily sleep at their house.
So obviously I said no. After I denied her, she proceeded to tell our classmates that I screwed her over and that I’m a sociopath.
It definitely sucked for me but I’m trying to understand if it also sucked for her and if I should have done something differently.
I didn’t give her a heads-up, I just assumed she wouldn’t want to stay with me without communicating my own discomfort surrounding the situation. So I’m wondering… am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m shocked that she even thought staying with you was still an option after the way she treated you.
It’s not easy to get into grad school, so I’ll go out on a limb and say you’re reasonably intelligent. Your group voted for your proposal because their grades are also riding on this project. High school boys or male college freshmen might vote on the basis of ‘hotness,’ but they wise up pretty quickly after a few sucky grades.
Grad school guys tend to vote for the best proposal because they don’t want to have to retake the class if their grade isn’t high enough.” Legitimate-Moose-816
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It was totally reasonable to assume that the person who just accused you of being a sociopath wouldn’t want to sleep at your house.
It was very weird for her to assume that after she called you names, quit your group, and ghosted you that you would suddenly be happy to welcome her into your home. She is not stable. Give her lots of space.” CalligrapherLow7113
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You have no obligations to her, especially now that she isn’t your friend (for whatever reason, it doesn’t matter).
She lives an hour away from your house and I am guessing the distance to the airport isn’t anything crazy either. Many people travel 1-2 hours to reach their nearest airport, so can she.
What could have been done differently, from both sides, is to communicate about the logistics of the conference, since you both knew it was coming and that your dynamics changed. You could have told her that she wasn’t welcome at your home anymore, and she should have made sure about her way to the airport, way before the night before the flight.
If I were you, I would stop talking to her and tell your side of the story to your friends. Let them make their own mind. Apologize for the miscommunication but since she’s calling you a bully and sociopath (and doesn’t act like a friend anymore), you assumed that the sleepover was canceled and that you are not comfortable having someone like that over.” Ayyymeric
6. AITJ For Refusing To Wear A Dress At My Baby Shower?
“I’m currently 6 months pregnant and counting.
I guess I’m not sure where to start. So some background I guess; Found out I was pregnant in October and have been exhaustingly nervous from day one. I’m having a little girl and am very excited to meet her but again.
Still nervous.
I’ve never been huge on dresses. I can count on one hand how many times as an adult I’ve worn a dress. I typically choose a nice blouse and pair of pants for nicer events unless asked specifically to wear a dress.
I also do not like patterned clothing. I’m very much as tomboy as it gets.
Anyway, my MIL is planning my baby shower. And I was all good with that. I didn’t want one initially, but she insisted since she wasn’t able to plan her daughter’s last year and my mom didn’t want to do mine.
So I let her.
It’s been four long months of planning and it’s happening in April. The planning is almost done. However, a couple of weeks ago MIL started sending me links to dresses on Amazon and photos from in-store dresses.
I hadn’t remembered anything being mentioned about her buying the clothing I and my SO were wearing to the shower.
But according to SO, MIL was worried we’d dress like ‘bums’ going to the shower.
I very quickly called my parents and asked if we ever looked like bums going to important events. And they said no. That when we go over for a regular visit we do which was fine.
(my thing is if I can be comfortable and there’s no reason to dress up I won’t. But this event is 100 people and I definitely wasn’t planning on going in jammies.)
Anyway. I tried explaining to my MIL that I don’t like the way I look in dresses.
And that most of my family has never seen me in a dress before and I’m insecure about it. But she seems not to have listened. And is still sending me photos/links to dresses that I’ve blatantly said I do not like.
(I’m also plus size and most plus size dresses have floral patterns and make me feel like I look like a couch.)
So am I the jerk for not wanting to wear a dress? And would I be the jerk if I told her I will find and pay for my own outfit?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Has she always been this controlling? If she’s like this now, what’s she going to be like when you have this kid? Maybe start setting some boundaries and having a good chat with your partner as to what you are going to allow her to do.
The ironic thing is that if she’s having this baby shower so late, you might’ve already had the baby… or are in hospital with the baby or about to have it.
Wear what you like. If your MIL continues to make a fuss, let her know that she can throw whatever party she wants but you won’t be there… even if it is for your own shower.
She won’t like it.” KitchenDismal9258
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
No one gets to dictate what you wear to your baby shower. I’ve never even heard of this happening before; it’s incredibly intrusive and inappropriate.
You owe your MIL no explanation as to why you choose to wear pants.
In fact, you owe her no information about what you plan to wear. You get to show up in whatever you choose.
No wonder MIL didn’t get to plan her daughter’s shower.
Maybe go with, ‘Gosh, I had no idea you felt my family and I dressed like bums. And since I wouldn’t want to make you uncomfortable at an event you’ve planned – nor do I plan to wear any of the dresses you’ve sent me, and I’d appreciate it if the dress suggestions would stop as of right now – I’m thinking we should probably cancel.’
Then have a relative on your side or even your mom plan the shower. It’ll be lovely. No matter what you wear. Congratulations!” Nester1953
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Stop telling your MIL the reason you don’t like to wear dresses. Instead, just say, ‘Thanks for checking.
I will be wearing (this blouse and pants combo). I really appreciate all the work you’re doing for the shower, but you don’t need to worry about my outfit.’
Do not have a conversation with her about this again. Make sure your partner knows the plan and backs you up.
When she brings up the topic, respond with puzzlement. Hmm? But that’s already been decided. Let’s change the subject. Etc.
It’s way harder for her to pressure you if you politely ignore her hints. What is she going to do, threaten the party’s VIP to force you into a dress?
Physically put a dress over your head? She can’t force you to do anything that makes you uncomfortable.” lelied
5. AITJ For Scolding My Daughter For Disrespecting My Fiancée?
“My fiancée moved in with me a few months ago, and we are planning on getting married really soon.
When my fiancé and I started going out, my daughter was living on her college campus, but now she is living at home until she graduates. My fiancée is a non-confrontational person who doesn’t complain about my daughter, but that does not mean that I’m blind and can’t see that my daughter is being difficult with her.
First, it started with my fiancée not being able to use our kitchen because she always leaves a mess. My daughter complains to me about my fiancée being bossy because she asked her to clean up after herself once or twice. Then, every time I get back from work, my daughter’s music is on full blast when my fiancée is there.
A few days ago, I saw that my fiancée was angry about something. When I asked her what was wrong, she told me that my daughter took her clothes out of the washing machine to put hers in. Personally, I believe that all of this is very childish, and I feel like I need to put a stop to all of this behavior.
I told my daughter that if she continues down that path, I will stop paying her tuition, and she will have to get a job and move out.
My ex-wife called me, and she was angry with me. She said that I’m trying to push aside our daughter to appease my fiancée and called me a jerk.
My fiancée, on the other hand, is really mad at me and called me a jerk because I ruined all the chances she has to have a relationship with my daughter in the future.
I really want to know if I am the jerk in this situation because I’m trying to do what’s best for my daughter and my relationship with my fiancée.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No win situation. Daughter doesn’t want to have to deal with your fiancee, and fiancée doesn’t want to deal with your daughter.
A gentler approach is called for. Tell your daughter that respectful behavior toward ALL in the house is required. It’s respectful to keep your personal music at a personal level (not the whole house) and it’s respectful to advise another person that you’d like to use the washing machine.
Basically, do unto others…
And then tell your fiancée ‘I told my daughter that respectful behavior is required of all of us here; basically do unto others etc. I think we will see an improvement.’ Or something like that. That gives fiancée the hint that it’s required of her too, without actually telling her to behave respectfully.
I’m not questioning her behavior, but you aren’t around all the time to see it.
No jerks here, but tone it down.” Far-Cup9063
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. You are threatening her financial help because she is acting out against someone she hardly knows.
Your fiance could have left the laundry in for hours without putting it in the dryer, but you went right to argue with your daughter. Your fiance is right, if the two are ever going to get along, you need to stop with the threats because your daughter is going to assume she is the one controlling the issue.
You all need to sit down and have a conversation about what is going on and listen without opening your mouth. Your daughter does need to clean up after herself, but this is probably from her anger that you never introduced her to the fiance and just moved her in.
As a teen, my mother did the same thing with my stepdad and it took us years to get to an understanding. I was a little bit younger than your daughter, but it still changed everything from how I was treated in my own home, how my mother acted, and how things were being done.
Adults act like it is simple to bring in someone they love without thinking about how anyone else feels. Oftentimes, that person they love so much is a complete jerk to their child, so the child reacts accordingly especially when their parent just straight up believes their new love over them.” amlosthere
4. AITJ For Not Wanting To Stay With My Parents While My Sister And Her Baby Live There?
“My sister and her partner are having a baby in October and are planning on living in my parents’ house for the first few months of the baby’s life.
I have a daughter who will be one in September and we usually stay at my parents’ house anytime I visit home (we live far away).
Here’s the issue. I am refusing to stay in my parents’ house while my sister and her newborn baby are there and it’s upsetting my mother.
I am not doing this to hurt my parents and have explained it just wouldn’t make sense to have us all under one roof. Firstly my parents have a tiny bungalow and if we stayed they would have to give us their bedroom (my mother suggested this) as the only other free bedroom is a tiny box room which isn’t big enough for a bed and a cot.
This would mean my parents would have to sleep on couches.
Secondly, a newborn baby crying would be too loud for my daughter, and my daughter playing would be too loud for a newborn baby (again the house is really small). Third, my daughter is in daycare and picks up any sicknesses going there and I don’t think it’s a good idea to have a sick toddler around a newborn baby.
My mother is upset that I’m ‘doing this to her’ but I have no malicious intent and am trying to look out for everyone’s best interests but her reaction makes me feel like maybe I’m the jerk.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your reasoning is completely valid, and the guilt trip is unnecessary.
Maybe her intentions are good, but it’s no less manipulative to make it about her. You all literally cannot, and SHOULD NOT stay in the same house with a newborn. All kinds of other bugs are flying around right now, and they can be deadly to an infant (I’m sure you know, you’re a mom).
And besides, how does your sister feel about this?! The very last thing I would have wanted immediately postpartum, with stitches up, down, left, and right, would be a cramped house full of too many people and no privacy. Those first few weeks can be tough, and hormones would make me a monster in that situation.
Your mom is just not going to get her way, for the safety and comfort of everyone involved. Set that boundary, and hold firm. You’re doing the right thing!” kfrostborne
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
‘My mother is upset that I’m ‘doing this to her.”
Let her be upset. This part is why I’m judging her as a jerk – she’s acting like you deciding to not stay in her home when you visit is some kind of harm.
It’s not.
Her reaction may be manipulative, or it may be anxiety/insecurity (where she’s taking it as a sign you don’t love her/don’t want to spend time etc) but it’s still ridiculous to pressure someone to stay with you.
Your explanation shows that your decision isn’t based on punishment.
And I would just flat refuse to kick my parents out of their own bed. (Also I like to sleep, and does anyone get to sleep with a newborn around? Which honestly, is even more reason why people should be sleeping in actual beds, not couches.)” Kettlewise
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You are being sensible and rational. Your mother is not. You’re not doing anything to her other than saving her, you, your baby, your sister, and your sister’s baby, from an extremely uncomfortable situation in which the babies will be waking each other, no one will get any sleep, no one will have any privacy, and no one will be comfortable.
Go stay with your in-laws.” Nester1953
3. WIBTJ If I Require A Dress Code In My House?
“Our 20-year-old son is basically estranged from us and all communication goes through his SO. He hasn’t worked since September and has refused to get a job. The girl is supporting him. We would like them to come to dinner when his grandmother visits in a couple of weeks.
The issue is when he does see us, he is dressed like a slob (sweats, hoodie with inappropriate graphics, beanie, and slides). We saw him at Thanksgiving and his birthday in January at a restaurant (nice; not fast food). We don’t expect business casual but at least clothing appropriate for the occasion (jeans, clean shirt, clean shoes).
We are concerned about his lack of self-respect in his appearance and contribution to his live-in relationship. WIBTJ for requiring him to wear jeans and a shirt to dinner to see his grandmother? Frankly, even without the dress code, I feel he’ll refuse to come to dinner.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It’s your home/dinner plans so I don’t think it would be disrespectful to ask/want him to at least wear appropriate clothing.
Now, he is an adult, so I don’t necessarily think he’d be a jerk to say if it’s a big deal what he wears to dinner at his parents’ house he just won’t come.
Usually, this is more of an ask for going out to dinner. Considering you guys are estranged and everything goes through his SO, I don’t know if your son is the type to just accommodate your wants. You may be better off trying to ask his SO if she could convince him to at least wear appropriate attire to dinner since his grandmother will be there.
That you’re not expecting business casual, but at the least no inappropriate graphic clothing, and at that point suggesting maybe jeans and a nice shirt. It’s more likely the girl will be able to convince him without as much of a fight as you.
I wouldn’t view it like setting a dress code, but more so politely asking (again, probably the girl rather than him).” secondarytrash
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but funnel it through the girl. I think you’re right to be concerned, though. He’s refusing to get a job (there are plenty out there, maybe not the greatest ones, but at least a way of contributing until something better comes along) and relying on his SO to support him.
Invite her to get a coffee, without your son present. Explain that you are concerned about her having to support him since he’s not contributing. Ask her if things are okay or if there are behaviors that concern her as well. Stress that you are concerned about her becoming overwhelmed and you want her to know that if things are too much for her, you are willing to help.
Because your son is 20, there really isn’t much you can do unless he becomes a danger to himself/others. That said, I do suspect that he may be experiencing some mental health issues and the girl is becoming more of a caregiver than an equal partner in a healthy relationship.
Monitor the situation as well as you can from a distance. Enforce the dress code. Warn his grandmother that the young man who comes to dinner won’t be the grandson she remembers.” Legitimate-Moose-816
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Why do you put yourself through this? You cannot preserve and maintain his relationship with his family.
He has indicated he doesn’t want to be around you. Let him be. Tell the grandparents the truth, but do not rag on him to them – just ‘he doesn’t want to be around us, so I no longer invite him’ as the reason he isn’t in attendance.
Then make yourself move on to a different topic. He has been telling you he wants space. Just let him have it. If the grandparents want to call him, happily suggest they do so. Ask them not to punish him for not wanting to be around you.
That said, he appears as if he might be depressed. Is he? The girl would be the one to notice and be able to talk to him about getting help. Worth asking her if she’s concerned about it.” kitkatcoco
As far as making a dress code for him in your house...like I said it's your house and you can do what you want. But would you rather see him in sweat pants, or not at all? Because I'm pretty sure those are your choices. I'm also pretty sure I know why he's gone no contact with you.
2. WIBTJ If I Leave My Child With My Grandma While I Attend College?
“Over the last few months, I’ve been applying to a few different colleges for full-time study in the fall. A mix of online, in-person, and hybrid courses. The school I’m most eager to attend will be mostly in-person and the school is 5/6 hours away. This would obviously be too far for me to commute each day.
I already received my associate’s degree in 2021, so I will hopefully only be attending for 2 years.
I have 2 kids. A 10-year-old son and a 2-year-old daughter. We currently live with my grandmother. I contribute some to the household, but my uncle owns the house and pays for most of her other bills.
This has allowed me to save and pursue an education in the last few years.
We have been considering that if I am accepted to my preferred college and move there it would make the most sense for my son to remain with my grandma and for my daughter to come with me.
Obviously, this would only be during the semester, and I would be coming home almost every weekend. If I just had my daughter, I would only need to rent a studio or 1-bedroom as my daughter would happily co-sleep. My son would also not have to change schools just to move back or to a different school a couple of years later.
I told a friend of mine what I was planning, and she thinks I’m being selfish to prioritize my education and something I want over my son. She says that I’ve already given him such a turbulent childhood and now would be bringing more change into his life either by uprooting him again or ‘dumping’ him with my grandma.
Would it be selfish of me to leave him behind? I’m going to ask his opinion if the time comes. But even if he agrees am I a jerk for considering it?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
It makes the most sense FOR YOU. It would make it easier FOR YOU and allow YOU to attend the school YOU prefer.
The only benefits here are FOR YOU. Meanwhile, your child will feel abandoned, and your grandmother will be stuck being the primary caregiver for an abandoned child who is going to be acting out on that hurt and confusion at being left behind just as he starts to enter a very confusing age.
You chose to have kids. Not once, but twice. That means you need to put their needs before what you want. Yes, you are being incredibly selfish to consider leaving your son behind to pursue YOUR dreams and make things easier on you.
You need to be looking at schools that you can afford to attend while being a present parent to ALL your children.
That means you probably have to sacrifice your ‘top choice’ for a school in a location where you can either commute to from your current home or can afford to rent a 2-bedroom apartment in the general area.” Robert_Rufus_Feline
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, it’s okay to depend on family when you’re having a hard time (assuming the family has agreed) but not only doe this feel like you’re taking advantage of your grandmother’s generosity, but it also feels like you’re being incredibly unfair to your children and it’s for a selfish reason that you’re rationalizing into something selfless, as in, ‘I’m getting an education for my kids.’
Higher education for a better-paying job is for the good of your kids, of course. But if you do this, you’re choosing to abandon your son, because this is only your ‘preferred’ school. If there are other schools which allow you to be with both your kids, that’s what you choose, because being a parent means putting your kids above your own preferences.
And you say it’ll only be during the semesters, and you’ll go home most weekends, but there’s no way that’s going to work out like you’re making it sound. Five/six hours one way is a looong trip, especially for a weekend, and with a 2-year-old and school assignments.
There’s no way you’ll be making it home that often. Imagine how your son will feel when you have time to take your daughter out on a day trip because that takes only half the time you’d need to spend traveling home just to see him, so you end up staying at school with her instead.” onewithoutwinter
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
I feel for you, having a child so young. But now, here you are. He and your daughter have to be your first priority, and while education is a good thing, he absolutely will feel abandoned, especially if you take your daughter but not him.
Your reasoning about his friends, etc., isn’t wrong, but he would have scars for a lifetime if you do this, and your relationship with him will suffer.
Your friend is right.
Please do not ask him what he thinks about it. He’ll tell you what you want to hear, without fully understanding the implications because he’s a child.
He won’t be prepared for the feelings that result if you actually leave. And it is unlikely that he would be able to verbalize his feelings without the help of a good therapist; few children are.
And your grandmother, while capable of raising him now, may not be prepared for an angry 11- and 12-year-old whose mother abandoned him and gave his sister seemingly preferential treatment.
I am not saying this is what you would consciously be doing, but it would be what he would internalize.” Nondescriptlady
1. AITJ For Wanting My Parents To Pay Me For Taking Care Of My Sister?
“I (20f) have an 11-year-old little sister. Last weekend my grandfather passed away, and my parents flew out for his funeral. My parents asked me if I could watch my sister for the weekend at my apartment. I had agreed and had asked my parents how much they’d pay me, and they said they’d let me know when they get back what they had because they were low on money and this trip was going to put them back.
Basically, my sister stayed for the weekend, I went out and bought a bunch of kid-friendly groceries, and we had a lot of fun together. Come Sunday night my parents come to pick her up and they start to leave. I remind them about paying me.
They got all awkward and said they decided it wasn’t necessary for all the things they’ve done for me, and I was her sister I should be happy to help. I said no, you need to pay me. I reminded them of the groceries I bought and the pizza, and how I had called out of work for the weekend to watch her.
They told me I was acting like a spoiled brat, and that I shouldn’t act like watching my sister and helping my family is a chore. They left, and I basically texted them saying I expected them to pay me within the week, or I would no longer be helping out.
They just replied ‘We are your parents, not a bank. Sorry for your confusion, but there was never an agreement. Since it was such a big deal to you, we won’t need your help again.’
Even though there isn’t a set agreement, I feel like I should’ve been paid.
I don’t think I’m acting spoiled.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I genuinely hope you never need anything from your parents again. Obviously, you must be doing well financially to have your own apartment at only 20 years old when most 20-year-olds are still in school and living with their parents.
You treated the weekend like you just took a second job with no care or remorse for what actually happened. Plus you knew your parents didn’t have money since they couldn’t even take your sister to the funeral but you feel entitled to it anyways because?
If you really needed the money you could have told them you can’t afford to miss two days of work. But you didn’t hesitate to take care of your sister. So what, you bought some chicken nuggets and a pizza for her, obviously that’s not going to kill you since you didn’t hesitate again.
If you didn’t treat your parents like a bank then they probably would have paid you later on when they actually could. If you are so desperate living paycheck to paycheck then how did you even move out?
You’re obviously not ready to live on your own without their help if that’s the case and something like that needs to be heavily discussed with them.
But all you said was ‘screw my dead grandpa pay me.’ Do you know what it’s like to have to make arrangements for a funeral and then figure out flight info and where you’re going to stay and then have to worry about your kid because you can’t afford to take her and count all your coins while also trying to grieve??
It wouldn’t surprise me if they just weren’t in the right mindset to even think about paying you when they dropped her off so they said whatever because they are GRIEVING. And then they come back from a rough time and immediately have no condolences not even an ounce of remorse from their daughter all they get is ‘You need to pay me’?
I honestly hope you never need your parents again because if I were them I would have gone no contact.” aceexv
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You didn’t just give up your free time to help. You canceled work – you lost income – to help them.
Then you paid to feed your sister. At a minimum, they should have left money for you to feed her. It’s what parents do whenever they leave their kid with a sitter. It’s just common sense.
Chalk it up as a good deed done and plan now to be firm the next time they attempt to coerce or guilt you into helping out.
They seem to have some sway over you so the less you engage with them in declining future asks the less chance they’ll have to break you. Say no and walk away.” MrHodgeToo
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here: So it was a really jerk move of your parents to suggest they were going to pay you for watching your sister before you did it and then refuse to do so after.
If they didn’t want to pay you the time to tell you that was before not after. Maybe you wouldn’t have bought those groceries or taken the day off work if you knew you weren’t going to be compensated. I don’t know how much you were expecting but it’s trashy to have pulled a bait-and-switch.
That being said, you’re a family member, not an employee. People can certainly take advantage of that, but chances are your parents occasionally help you out with things without expecting financial compensation and it’s completely reasonable for them to expect you to return the favor on occasion.
I mean if your dad would charge you to help you move or do minor home repairs maybe you just have a different family dynamic than what I’m used to, but it would seem weird to me to ask my sisters for money if I was watching their kids for a weekend, and I’d only really expect money from my parents for watching my sisters if I was in Jr High/High School as sort of a ‘this is how jobs work’ lesson.” Kerplonk
