People Tell Their Indelible Revenge Stories
41. Don't Care That You Scratched My Car? I'll Make A Huge Dent In Yours
“My husband and I were sitting in our parked car looking over what we’d just purchased from a department store. This lady in a fancy SUV pulls up next to us and heaves her door open, slamming it into my side mirror.
I see her take stock of the big ol’ scratch she caused, literally shrug, throw her Michael Kors purse over her shoulder, and walk away. Now, anyone who knows me would tell you how calm and levelheaded I am, but when I tell you that I saw red. I just said, ‘this jerk did not just do that!’ and I opened my own door with more force than I thought capable, hitting her door.
I guess with the angle she had parked and the height difference in our vehicles, I was hitting a vulnerable spot bc I left a pretty massive dent in her door. It felt SO GOOD to do that!”
40. Try To Get Me To Pay Your Parking Ticket? I'll Superglue It To Your Leather Seat
“Well, I ride into work fairly often into San Francisco, and park on the street in the motorcycle metered areas. And every once in a while I’ll b********t and just walk away w/o paying for the meters and end up with a nice $50 ticket for being a dumb jerk.
One night after finishing work, I get back and find a ticket on my bike and I’m especially angry because I thought I’d been fairly conscientious about paying for the meter. When I look closer at the ticket, I notice it’s not my license plate #.
Darn. Some other rider got a ticket and decided to lay it on my bike hoping that I’d pay for it without looking at it. This is jacked, not only because it’s wrong, but as a motorcycle rider, there is a special brotherhood I feel for other riders, as we have to survive in an automobile world.
From the ‘wave’ to helping each other out, motorcycle riders typically have a sense of community with other riders.
This could not stand. So I place the ticket in my wallet for safekeeping and stop by a Walgreens and pick up two bottles of super glue, and every night I check the other motorcycle plates around me.
Sure enough, about 3 weeks later I have a match. It’s a cruiser-type bike with a fat leather seat.
Now the moment of truth, do I or don’t I mess with another man’s motorcycle? If I see someone messing with someone else’s bike where I’ve parked I would say something, and if it’s my bike, forget about it!
Kick some butt first and ask questions later! Would this guy be able to come back at me on my bike? How would I explain this to the cops if one drove by?
And it came down to this for me, would I regret not doing this more, than doing it?
So screw it! I double and triple check the license plate number, check around me and don’t see anyone close by, take out the superglue and the ticket, liberally apply the glue all over the ticket, and slap it right on that nice leather seat.
So I stop parking my bike on that particular street, just in case, but seriously, I’m sure he wouldn’t have remembered what kind of bike he attached his ticket to, and rode by that parking area every day after work. Until about a week later, there his bike was again, only this time I could see the ticket partially torn off the seat, but mostly embedded in the seat.
Oh man, there was such a feeling of elation I had!
And there are several things I still relish about this:
His immediate reaction to seeing a ticket on his bike. ‘Oh, I’ll just slap it on some s*******s bike.’
His reaction when the ticket tears and remains embedded on his leather seat.
The fact he had to sit on it every time he rode until he spent good money replacing his seat.
Karma can be a jerk!”
39. Be Mean To My Girl? I'll Make Sure You Never Get The Spotlight
“There was an arrogant cool dude at school. He and his clique made some people’s lives miserable, the girl who is now my wife being one of them. I didn’t care, I didn’t hang with her at the time nor his crowd and he didn’t impinge on me in the slightest. I was a studious kid.
Fast forward 7 years and I worked for the BBC. I controlled the lighting on a music program ‘Top of The Pops.’
They replaced a dance troop with a new lot.
One of them was Mr. Nasty. I tell my now partner and soon-to-be wife.
She told me of his awfulness at school and what a jerk he was. I didn’t really care, quite a few performers can be a bit diva-ish.
When I got to the studio that changed. He recognized me and thinking I was an audience member said something along the lines of ‘Hi OP, fancy seeing you here.
I’m a performer you know, I might get you into the bar later if you play your cards right, you want my autograph?’ It was a certain searing twist of his lip as he said it that irritated me.
When their spot came along I dimmed the spotlight on him, to make sure the camera never paused on him.
I did it the week later too. There wasn’t another chance as he was let go. He didn’t impress on screen.
I feel bad about it occasionally but there it is. I’ve done many acts of kindness since.”
38. Be A Total Jerk To Me? I'll Buy Out The Jacket You Want
“I used to work in retail. One night a customer asked me when a jacket would be discounted. I told her that I couldn’t say for sure because we weren’t told when certain items would be reduced in price.
She called me a dumb jerk and an idiot and asked me to put it on hold for 24 hours in case it got discounted overnight. I think it’s also worth noting that she claimed to be a social media influencer with over 5000 followers and she said she’d lose ‘deals’ if she didn’t get the jacket.
Also, she was racist toward the store’s security guard, who happens to be one of the kindest people I’ve ever met.
I put the jacket aside for her but not before doing a system search and finding out that there were only three left in this size in the entire country (I live in New Zealand, so not a particularly big country).
Fast forward 24 hours and she hasn’t come to pick up the jacket. I was feeling extra petty and had had a particularly bad day the day before so exactly 24 hours after I put it aside for her I decided to buy it. I browsed around the store for a while before going to pay, and of course, Karen was up there at the checkouts.
If she had been ranting at my colleague about the jacket I would have given it to her to save another from the wrath of Karen but she was going on about the car park and appeared to have forgotten about the jacket. Once I got to the car I went online and bought the other jacket before driving to the other side of town and buying the third and last one in the country (it was near the end of the season so chances are there weren’t going to be anymore).
The whole thing cost more money than I would’ve liked, but I stopped a Karen from getting her way for once so I don’t regret it.”
Another User Comments:
“Do you still have those jackets? What did you do with them?” Eternity_Incarnate
Reply:
“I kept one for myself, gave one to a friend for her birthday (she loved it) and as for the third one I was planning on gifting it as well but I left it on my bed and came back to find my dog lying on it, so I kept it and used it as an extra blanket for her during winter.” KhaleesiofNZ
37. Take As Long As I Need? Sure Boss!
“When I was 16, I got a job at Walmart as a stocker. I was used to hard labor in the sun, so working in AC stocking shelves seemed a step up at first.
That particular Walmart had 4 stockers and a stockman. The difference being that stockers only stock shelves and unload the truck. Their prime directive is to keep product where it belongs. The stockman position was a janitor that stocked shelves when there wasn’t anything to clean.
They were required to clean bathrooms, clean soft lines, the vestibule, etc. Well, the stockman at this store was a total mess up. He consistently didn’t do anything right. So they decided that since I was a new hire, they’d promote him to stocker and bump me to stockman.
I was unhappy with this but I endured.
On top of this, they constantly decided to violate labor laws with me. They’d keep me past closing on school nights. I would work over 40 hours, sometimes they’d ask me to clock out first so I wouldn’t get overtime.
They basically preyed on a 16-year-old. I grew really tired of this and angry.
So the Thanksgiving sale started (Black Friday), which was huge at the time because that was the first day that store allowed Lay-Away for the Christmas Holiday. It was the busiest day of the year.
My county was very impoverished and EVERYONE put things on layaway. The store’s entire attic was dedicated to Lay-Away and they even had extra trailers hauled out back to hold more Lay-away stock. I had worked until midnight the night before and had to open and basically haul heavy loads ALL DAY LONG with one other stocker, understaffed as usual, and it was a Sisyphean task.
When my lunch break came up, my manager grabbed me and looked me in the eyes while holding my shoulders, and said to me, ‘take as long as you need.’
What they meant was ‘You don’t get a full break today. Eat as quickly as possible and violate more laws by coming directly back to work.’
What I did was: drove to a hamburger joint and ordered three burgers and took them to my grandma’s house down the street, pigged out, and took a three-hour nap.
The manager was screaming furious at me when I got back and I played dumb as ever and just said, ‘you told me to take as long as I needed!
I thought I was being rewarded for a good job!’
She couldn’t say what she really meant because it was illegal and it totally screwed them that I did that.”
36. Even Though I Quit, I'm Still Going To Get You Fired
“So I worked for a really lousy general manager at KFC for a while whose behavior included hanging up notes threatening to fire everybody every other day, messing up basic tasks that could get us a serious health code violation, failing to order the necessary inventory, and accusing me of whatever happened to be angering her at the time.
So I quit about 10 months in because while I really enjoyed the work, and I loved almost everybody there, her influence was just too negative. On my last day, my coworkers and the other managers got together and handed me a German chocolate cake and a card that everybody except the GM had signed.
After I quit, I never really felt satisfied with having let her walk all over me like she did. I regularly worked 16 hour days almost entirely by myself, ran across town to other locations without compensation for gas, and would stick around off the clock if someone made a mess while I was calling for a ride home.
All without a thank you and sometimes with extra complaining on top. At one point she told me I was going to be a manager, only to string me along for several months saying ‘We just don’t have any spots open.’ Two weeks after I resigned, the guy who got hired after me became a shift supervisor.
So one afternoon I was texting a friend who still worked there at the time, and GM’s behavior had gotten even worse. He told me she had started scheduling herself three days out of the week and forcing everyone else to pick up her slack, and that when she was there, she was almost always intoxicated. Once upon a time, she came stumbling in, before sitting down in the office and unceremoniously peeing herself.
She made a 16-year-old employee go to her house and bring a fresh pair of jeans.
As my friend was telling me this, I was typing it down in an email to the corporate office. I explained that I was a former employee, and told them what I had experienced, and what was still going on.
They had somebody there the next morning to investigate.
It took a few weeks, but finally the GM just quietly resigned from corporate pressure.
Nobody got her a cake.”
35. Eat My Cookies? I'll Keep Replacing Your Dinner With Hot Pockets
“Come and journey with me on my quest to avenge the last cookie.
First, we begin with the fact that I LOVE MOTHERS DOUBLE FUDGE COOKIES. They’re the best cookies ever.
I was in college at the time and one of my roommates decided to eat the last cookies EVEN THOUGH I had told him not to just eat them and let me know so I can get more on the way back from class.
I had just come home from a rather long lab session and I wanted some cookies. And there were none. I asked him where the cookies were. He had eaten them.
I didn’t show any anger. I dropped the subject. A week passed. I bought more cookies for myself.
And I bought hot pockets. See, he hated hot pockets. And, he had really good headphones that he’d always play loud music in or while he’d play video games. So whenever he put something for dinner in the microwave, I would take it out and switch it with hot pockets.
Usually, it was a frozen pizza or something like that because he couldn’t cook. I enlisted the help of the other two roommates (who thought it was just a funny prank idea and not my revenge) for a continuous rotation to not arouse suspicion. The noise from the microwave was never a problem since his room was the furthest from the kitchen and he had headphones on all the time.
Every dinner he put something in the microwave and every time he got a hot pocket out. He was confused thoroughly. But he begrudgingly ate the hot pocket. I’d buy these packs of two every two days, throw the box, and hide them deep in the overstuffed freezer.
He tried accusing this other roommate of doing it, but the rotation meant he couldn’t have pulled it off. The best part was the dumb MMO that he’d play lasted all evening every evening, so he could never come and stand the whole time his food was in the microwave.
After almost two weeks we stopped. He never fully trusted the microwave again for the rest of the year.”
34. Be A Pain On The Plane? I'll Jam My Water Bottle In Your Seat So You Can't Recline
“I was on an overnight flight a few years back from Chicago to Frankfurt (roughly 8 hours).
We are all settled in our seats and the boarding process was really smooth, setting the scene – it was calm.
All of a sudden this woman and her children come stomping down the aisle and she was in full Karen mode. They do the suitcase juggle, get it all stored, and start sorting their seats – she’s right in front of me on the aisle, her two kids are sharing her row, & her last kid was in my row in the window seat.
She immediately is concerned with getting shut-eye and starts looking for alternative sitting situations, mind you she is in a huff like the world was ending. She grabbed a flight attendant and inquired about the empty row behind me (we were in the back of the plane) & asked if she could sleep there.
The flight attendant (bless their heart) explains that’s where they sleep during the flight and she could not have it. She wasn’t having it and actually tried to tear down the curtain and sneak back there? They obviously caught her? Then she tried to coerce her kid in my row to switch seats with her because she needed the window to sleep!
At this point I’m over the entertainment and this girl is annoying so I gently jam my huge water bottle in the joint of her seat because….screw it, she sucks and I’m not giving her the ability to recline into my space.
Once she admitted defeat she tried to recline only to be stuck in an upright position. She thrashed for a good 5 minutes, called over the attendants who immediately realized what I had done & we just winked at each other not saying a peep.
I still laugh about it randomly.
Singlehandedly the most awful thing I’ve ever done to someone.”
33. Pour Flour All Over My Room? I'll Paint A Unicorn Mural In Yours
“A few of my roommates and I had been engaging in a rather lengthy prank war. It was small potatoes stuff like turning on the water when someone was in the shower, or setting someone’s alarm for 4 am, and filling someone’s room with a fog machine while they slept, and then running in and yelling fire!
This one time, I came home during my 15-minute work break during a party for one of said roommates’ birthday. I was tired and still had another 4 hours left to my shift and just wanted to come home, have a drink, and wish him a happy birthday.
I grabbed a drink, walked up to my room (which was an awful attic space on the third story), opened the door, and there was flour coating the entire floor of my room about 1-2 thick. I was angry, it got inside my computer, it was in my shoes, it was on my bed. I also mistakenly made the choice to try and use my vacuum to try and pick some of it up and which subsequently broke my vacuum.
I was going to get the jerk back for it but wasn’t sure how. I asked one of my roommates S who immediately blamed roommate B. It was roommate B’s birthday at the time, so I let it pass that night, but the next day or two I dumped some of the flour from my room into the driver’s seat of his car, which subsequently got into his air vents and messed up his AC for awhile.
Little did I know it was roommate S all along who had done the original pranking.
Welp, me and roommate B decided to teach him a lesson. Roommate S went on a three-month study abroad thing in Spain for the summer the next month. Roommate B had recently learned he could unscrew the door jam that was directly in front of the handle portion of roommate S’s door.
This allowed us to jimmy a credit card and a paper clip and easily unlock his room at any time. Roommate S leaves for the summer, we wish him a good time, and no sooner had he left we set out our revenge. Over the course of the next two-three months, we painted his entire room the brightest shade of school-girl pink, and then we painted a lovely unicorn mural and flying cherub versions of all the roommates.
To top it off, we got a ton of glitter and spray glued it to the unicorn, which was directly above his bed. He would get glitter in his bed and in his chest hair pretty much every night. For some reason girls he brought over didn’t seem to be as repulsed by it as we had thought, but it was a good prank all said.”
32. He Was So Intimidated By Me He Switched Schools
“This was Year 7, aka Form 1, we were all about 12 or 13 at this time. It’s about halfway through the school year when a new kid enters the school.
This was a private Christian school with a large waiting list, so people turning up at odd times in the year was not uncommon.
The new kid, let’s call him Josh (not his real name). It’s evident to me and most of my friends within the first few days that he’s a bit of a jerk, just bad-mouthing teachers and threatening students, typical ego talk stuff.
In his second week, at lunchtime, he performed his first unforgivable act; he down-trowed me in the middle of the school field. In the space of about 3 seconds, my awesome basketball boxers were exposed to about 200 students. Understandably enough, I was angry and set out to find Josh and have a go at him before lunch ended.
So a bit before the bell rings I find him round the back of the school and we have a little scuffle, little 12-year-old punches exchanged, et cetera. We were broken up quickly though because one kid who I had asked of Josh’s whereabouts had gone and told a teacher the situation, who found us almost as soon as we started on each other.
We both got detentions and letters to our parents and were made to shake hands. So we did, but this isn’t the end of things.
I had been doing Tae-Kwon-Do for a couple of years at this point but had been unwilling to use any on Josh because as angry as I was, I had been taught that it should be for self-defense only, and a strong kick can do some serious damage.
Well, the day after our fight, who turns up to Tae-Kwon-Do training but Josh. He and his dad come in the door as we’re warming up, and the look on his face is worth paying for. He quickly says something quietly to his dad and points at me, so I wave, grinning.
He nervously joins in with the training, and after warming up our instructor tells me (being a senior belt) to show him the basic kicks and stretches. So I’m showing him how to perform the kicks like nothing is wrong and you can see the change in his face as he realizes I could have done some serious damage to him.
After the training, he quickly rushes off, and I kid you not, he moves to a different school within the month.
And that is the tale of how I brought a twelve-year-old jerk to justice through passive intimidation.”
When you just killed them with kindness and they know it.
31. My Silence Was The Answer He Needed To Fire Him
“A couple of years ago (I’m in my early 30s) the guy my cousin just married asked me if I knew his co-worker, _____, who was a couple of years ahead of me at my high school.
I sure did! He was a monster and tormented me daily throughout elementary school. I didn’t see him after elementary school for a few years, and when I was a freshman in high school I had vague thoughts of kicking the life out of him until I discovered, sad to say, he was huge and jacked. Not happening.
Fun fact: one thing he did (when he was in sixth grade) was TP, spray-paint, and break windows in the house of the one African-American family who had moved to the neighborhood. This was in the northeast in the early ’90s. Real winner here.
Anyway, I told my cousin-in-law that I did know him but didn’t have much to say, and I stopped talking. I didn’t want to start badmouthing someone my cousin-in-law might like, especially since this was a new family member I’d be seeing the rest of my life.
So I didn’t say anything, and that was the end of the story. Or so I thought!
Fast forward another year or two, and I’m having drinks with the cousin and her husband. He says, ‘oh, by the way, you really hated _____, didn’t you?’ I said, why yes, I sure did.
He said he could tell because, even having only met me a year or so before that, he knew I was positive and effusive enough in general that if the only thing I can say about someone is that I know them, and I won’t say anything positive or interesting, that’s a bad, bad sign.
(He was right, not that I had realized it at the time.)
Anyway, as it turns out, the cousin-in-law was not just this guy’s co-worker, but his boss and _______ had been doing a pretty crummy job. The cousin-in-law was wondering if he should keep _____ on the staff, and he was wondering if I’d have something good to say about him.
When I absolutely did not, he let him go.
I can’t say I did cartwheels of joy, but I have to admit I’m not sorry it happened. People always told me that the bullies would get theirs eventually, and it’s only occasionally true. So knowing that I played a small part in getting back at this guy is really fulfilling.”
30. Keep Inviting Yourself To Our Hangouts? We'll Ditch You At The Scene
“My brother’s partner has a really annoying habit of constantly inviting herself along to whatever I or my brother are doing.
She has no qualms about not inviting anyone to whatever she’s doing, but if she isn’t invited to the bar/restaurant/whatever, she just invites herself. This would be okay if she wasn’t notoriously picky and whiny about everything (the drink selection, the food, whatever).
One Saturday, while my friend and I were at a brewery, she texted me asking me if we were still there because she wanted to come have a drink. My brother was working that day but I guess she felt like she couldn’t be the only one not doing something.
My friend asked me if she’s inviting herself out again and I say yes. He says that we should just wait for her to show up and the first time she complains about something, we say we have to be somewhere else and leave. Sure enough, she shows up and immediately complains that she doesn’t like the drink she’d just bought so my friend says ‘we actually have to run, my dad invited us to a bbq at his house’ and we left. The look on her face was priceless and, because she stopped inviting herself out to everything, we figured it must’ve worked.”
29. Greedy Theatre Manager Gets Kicked Back To Square One
“I had a friend that I worked with. He was super into me and wanted nothing more than to go out with me.
I told him that it was a severe conflict of interest for me – I was a manager (movie theatre) and he was floor staff, and even though he said he’d quit just to be with me, I told him I enjoyed being his friend, but I wasn’t looking for a romantic relationship with him.
Soon after I rejected him twice, he found a girl and became a complete jerk to me and everyone else. His attitude at work became horrid; for some reason, he considered himself ‘better’ than everyone, and undermined every single manager and did whatever he wanted, which included telling other employees what to do.
Something he certainly wasn’t entitled to do.
After a while, a new theatre opened up, and my boss decided to promote him to manager and take him with him to the new theatre; which by the way I warned him against because at this point he thought himself better than this job, and was completely convinced he was going to get his dream job as an accountant and earn 100,000 a year.
(He told me this on several occasions.)
Sure enough, after working at the new theatre as a manager for 2 months, where he was very poorly liked because of his awful treatment of the employees, he got a job at an accounting firm and quit the theatre, destined to ‘never look back.’
About two weeks ago he comes back to where I work and asks us if we’re hiring. I say ‘Why what’s up?’
Turns out his ‘dream job’ was more than he could handle, and he was looking at getting fired in the next couple of weeks because of not being able to keep up with the workload.
He was asking for a floor staff position.
Haha.”
28. We Kept Swapping Out His Ice Cold Pepsi For A Warm One
“This guy Scott at my job was just a total tool. He was the brother-in-law of the CEO, and he used that to get away with just the worst kind of behavior.
So I and another guy in my department decided to mess with him, just a little.
Scott had a sandwich and a Diet Pepsi every day for lunch. He’d bring the lunch and the can of soda and stick it in the company fridge. The other guy, let’s call him ‘Matt’ and I purchased a case of DP from Costco and hid it in our office.
Then, every day, just before Scott would come downstairs for lunch, one of us would swap out his ice-cold Pepsi for a warm one.
After about a week, Scott started complaining that there was something wrong with the work fridge. We pointed out that his lunch was cold, right?
The next week he starts putting it in the freezer when he gets there in the morning. So we replace that one with a room-temperature one just before lunch.
After a week of him getting increasingly frustrated, he decides to purchase his DP from the machine in the lunchroom instead of bringing it from home.
No problem. We enlist the two people that work in his quad (a group of four cubicles) and they distract him long enough for Matt to swap out a cold DP off his desk with one of our warm ones. (Yes, some of you will note that Scott carried the cold DP from the machine upstairs to his office, and then when he turned around again it was warm.
You would be right in noticing that. Scott, however, was never very bright, never put it together. At least not that he ever said.)
We had four DPs left in our stash when we were told that he’d given up and just left his lunch and DP on his desk first thing in the morning.
Only thing to do: Replace the warm ones that week with ice-cold ones just before his lunch.
I should point out that none of this is original pranking – I saw stuff like this done in college and on TV and in the movies. It is still hilarious in real life.
Scott’s BIL, the CEO, caught us one time doing one of the swaps. Matt looked at him like a deer in the headlights, and the CEO just smiled and put a finger across his lips.”
27. Used To Make My Life Miserable? I'll Make Sure You Get In Trouble
“I used to be bullied a lot for being smart, something that I never understood, but whatever.
In high school, one of the math teachers had an appointment with her maternity doctor and I had had her my freshman year so she knew me. She had asked me if I could watch the 2 classes she would miss while they were taking a test. I caught one of the kids copying so I made a note to talk to him after class as I should.
After he turned in his test, I remembered the name as one of the kids who made my early school years miserable.
After class, I called him to the desk to tell him that I would be forced to tell the teacher when she got back.
I think he knew that I recognized him and he definitely knew me as I’m one of 6 Indian guys in our grade. He tried to threaten to beat the life out of me and said some choice words about the teacher who was a very pleasant lady.
I played it off and told him that he should be getting a call later that day and walked out to go to my last class.
The next day, the teacher called him and me into the principal’s office to talk about what I had told her and he walked in with that smug grin on his face probably thinking he could lie his way out of it.
He told his story and tried to play himself off as a victim because he treated me badly and I refused to let it go and whatnot. When it was my turn, I just took out my phone and let the recorded conversation play, the look on his face was glorious.
My school had a very harsh policy and because he had some choice words about a teacher, he was put on probation or something, can’t really remember.
To make it even better, he had tried to pick a fight with me afterward probably thinking I was the same scrawny weakling I was when we were children.
I had started working out and was taking martial arts and put him in an arm lock until someone found him and he ended up getting suspended.”
26. I'll Make Sure Everyone Comes To You For Something You Can't Help Them With
“I had just recently started at a new job. A transfer within the main company to another division. We’ll call it SciWare. Anyway, I was getting familiar with things and trying to get to know people, as is the standard with a new place of employment.
In the process I got to know this one fellow, we’ll call him Mitchel Barakus.
Mitchel was an alright guy but he was also a bit of a jerk. Former high school football star from a well-to-do home in California with a fairytale career path.
Liked to do a little playful hazing of the newer folks. It was something I went along with at first, though it quickly wore on my patience.
So, after about a month as I’m getting into the swing of things, Mitchel sends out this broadcast e-mail.
He’s asking for information on something and mentions just reply directly, don’t reply all. Well, if any of you use Microsoft Outlook, you’ll understand how sometimes one can accidentally reply to all. They’re neighboring options on the drop-down list. Normally it wouldn’t be a big deal but Mitchel decided he’d be a bit of a jerk about it.
So Mitchel asks everyone in the room with him to start flooding me with e-mails and IMs. It’s only about ten people but the little MS Communicator prompt in the corner is constantly blocking access to a field in the software I’m working in. It’s annoying.
After I politely ask him to stop, he gives me the ‘oh no boys, watch out! He’s mad!’
Then it was on.
Normally I’d shrug something like this off, but I wasn’t ‘the new guy.’ I was a transfer and well respected. I’d left my office to come across the country and work in a cube so this division would make their deliverable.
The last thing I was going to put up with was some jerk jock with poor reading comprehension training rookies to mess with me. So I had to make a point that -everyone- would understand.
In the process of investigating a glitch in the development software we used, I stumbled across a piece of awful code.
It referred to an open-for-edit index as a default value for a commonly used data type. Now it wasn’t my job to fix this problem, but I did have to let people know it existed. I just decided to be creative about how I did that.
At a time when we had recently hired an additional twenty or so people who were all training with these development tools. So I went and edited the default value for the data type. So every single time anyone created an entry with that data type it would say:
‘SOMETHING VERY BAD HAS HAPPENED!!! PLEASE CONTACT MITCHEL BARAKUS!’
What followed the next morning was hilarity incarnate. A horde of petrified trainees began lining up to talk with Mr. Mitchel. In fact, the entire department did (they weren’t particularly tech-savvy). Then it got better.
The engineers didn’t know what was going on but they assumed the programmer who’d written the error message must be the one to speak with. So when the issue was passed off to engineering, they were the next in line to talk to Mitchel Barakus.
The creme de resistance? He was talking to an engineer about the problem at the desk next to mine where someone was displaying it.
The engineer said, ‘Oh, well this typically means that something happened that the engineer who made this wasn’t expecting. So we just have to find this Mitchel Barakus guy.’
‘I’M MITCHEL BARAKUS’ Mitchel replied.
‘Okay…so what’s wrong with this then?’ The engineer asked.
I turned back and smiled, bowed my head. ‘Sure is annoying when all these random people keep bothering you about something that has nothing to do with you, isn’t it?’
Mitchel never gave me trouble again.”
25. We Wrapped Our Camp Counselor In Several Layers Of Saran Wrap
“No revenge is as sweet as that exacted upon some type of authority figure. And summer camp always seemed to supply an endless amount of deserving targets. But one particular camp counselor comes to mind when I think back on all the dirty tricks I’ve pulled.
Okay, he was ROTC. I won’t go into a significant amount of detail, but he certainly played the part of the jerk basic training commander. And somehow, I made his jerk list quick. The punishments were typically minor but annoying. For instance, I would be assigned to KP (Kitchen Patrol) duty nearly every meal. And it was also my responsibility to ensure our cabin was spotless before breakfast. Well, one day I guess it wasn’t, and we were called out for it at breakfast by the counselors in charge of daily inspections.
Really not a big deal, but apparently it embarrassed my counselor. And I heard about it for the rest of the day, because I had to follow him around for all his activities while he constantly made an example out of me.
I can take what I deserve, but I didn’t deserve that.
So I plotted my revenge the entire day. Later that evening, I broke into the kitchen with a friend and we stole 2 gigantic, industrial rolls of saran wrap. After everyone was well asleep and the sun just beginning to peek, we jumped down from our bunks and began passing the roll back and forth, over and under our counselor’s bottom bunk with him in it.
He didn’t wake until we were nearly finished, but by then there was nothing he could do. He was trapped! Everyone else was awake by this time and more than happy to skip their morning duties. So we all rolled his bunk over and upside down so that he was suspended by nothing more than about 30 layers of saran wrap.
As we walked off to breakfast, we thought for sure his screaming would draw some attention but no one knew until he was found by the daily inspection crew. I wish I could have seen that!
Well, the story continues, but this post is already a bit long.
That was easily my favorite week of camp!”
Another User Comments:
“Please, tell us the rest.” arnar
Reply:
“The whole thing devolved into a tit-for-tat affair. He reported me and I had to plead with the camp directors to not send me home. I can only assume they didn’t because I was a regular there, having spent the last 6 summers as a camper for at least 4 weekly sessions each time.
My only punishment from them was to write him an apology letter.
Of course, that didn’t satisfy him. Apparently, he was the butt of quite a few jokes from other counselors. And so that trickled down to me, which only meant more KP and clean-up duties, as well as sitting out on certain activities.
I really didn’t mind, as the story had certainly gained me a lot of attention from other campers who thought the whole thing hilarious. Even so, I couldn’t let him think he had won.
So the more time I spent alone in the cabin, the more time I had to perfect more pranks.
I guess my favorite (besides the saran wrap, of course) was also the most devious. I straightened out several staples, which I then proceeded to insert into his deodorant. You’ve never heard such a yelp. I filled up sugar packets with red kool-aid mix and installed these wonders in his showerhead.
To my surprise, I found kool-aid to be a fairly effective hair dye. I also borrowed some Nair from one of the girl campers and mixed it with his shampoo. But I pulled back on that one because that seemed just downright cruel.
By the end of the week, we had an additional counselor assigned to our cabin which prevented me from going ahead with some other plans.
But nearly everything I was caught doing while the new counselor was there made it all the more fun as he tried so hard to suppress his own laughter. God, what a summer!” [deleted]
24. Break My Glasses? I'll Catfish You With Some Romantic Notes
“When I was in grade school, I was a nerd. I’m still not exactly Joe Cool over here, but it was worse.
Mushroom haircut, highwater trousers, big glasses, the whole nine. Like most nerds, I had a bully. Not a clever bully, but one of those big, violent kids who developed early, so while the rest of us were pretending to be Jedi, he was trying to decide on what shaving cream to use and working out the details of his 401(k).
This kid hounded me relentlessly, making every day of my school life a paranoid living nightmare. He would strike without warning, and the school’s Zero Tolerance Policy meant I couldn’t even report it properly without getting suspended alongside him, which would also make sure that he knew exactly who dropped the dime on him, ensuring further and more prolonged torment.
I asked my parents what to do (after a particularly harsh beating that had busted the bridge of my glasses), and my mother told me that I couldn’t hurt him physically, but I could probably get back at him mentally.
So, I did.
A little asking around revealed that he had a major crush on a very popular girl in our grade.
I started a rumor mill that said crush was reciprocal, but that the girl was shy, and would rather leave clandestine notes. We were in a school up north, so the common thing to do was to take your boots off and put them in your cubby-hole during classes.
I made sure it got around that he should check his shoes for these notes.
Then, I started writing him notes. Sappy, romantic ones, supposedly from her point of view. How much she liked him, how she had dreams about him, this and that and the other.
Over the weeks, he started picking on people less, started dressing nicer. He was over the moon for this girl, who he now thought adored him just as much.
I could have left it here, but that’s not how revenge works, and I wanted him to hurt as he had hurt me.
So, eventually, I dropped the hammer, so to speak. Left him a note saying that she was finally ready to go out with him, if only he would proclaim his affections for her in the lunchroom, in front of all of her friends. You know, so she knew he was really into her.
The next day, at lunch, he did just that. Got up on a chair, at her table, and declared his love for her.
Silence followed, broken only by the girl in question snarling, ‘Get away from me, you freak.’
And then, there was laughter.
Derisive, harsh laughter, the kind that only children are capable of. He stood there, momentarily stunned, before the pieces fell into place in his brain, and he tore from the cafeteria in a full-tilt sprint, trying not to bawl. On the way out, he took a wrong turn and slammed into the locked metal doors to the gym, which only served to intensify the laughter.
I didn’t see him at school again for a week, after which, he came back. He was still antisocial, but it was the quiet kind of antisocial, the refusing-to-make-eye-contact-with-anybody social awkwardness that I was so familiar with, myself. In retrospect, I may have gone too far.”
23. Throw Your Trash At Me? I'll Throw Nacho Cheese At You
“In 9th grade, there were some jerks who liked to go around and try to bully people. One day they decided to sit at the table with my friends and me. Any time they finished some food, they would throw the empty wrapper or container at me.
Towards the end of lunch, I was starting to get annoyed. I eventually looked straight at the ringleader and told him ‘the next thing that comes across this table is going back in your face.’ He laughed and went back to talking to his friends.
About a minute later a container of nacho cheese came sliding across the table. I instantly picked it up, looked at him, and launched it.
As soon as I looked at him he got a look of horror on his face and tried to stand up.
The container of cheese hit him in the center of his chest and splattered up into his chest. He tried to step back and regain his balance but this was one of the long lunch tables where you cannot move the benches, so he ended up falling backward onto the floor because his feet were stuck under the table.
Of course, the vice principal was walking by at the time and saw the whole thing. He walked up and asked what was going on. I told him what was going on, what I told the guy, and exactly what I did. He asked everyone else if what I said was true and they all kind of solemnly nodded yes and so he told me to follow him.
So I got up with a huge smile on my face and walked off after the vice-principal. Now the guy that I threw the cheese at was known to be a jerk to everyone and he was constantly in the office for doing something. As my punishment, I had to clean tables for the rest of lunch when I finished my food for the rest of the week.
That day was a Thursday and there were only 5 mins left in lunch.”
22. I Told My Parents To Stop Acting Like Children
“My parents were fighting A LOT. Not just over ‘big’ things like ‘Why is there a scratch in the back of the car?’ or ‘It was your turn to pick him/her up from soccer training.’ It was over some stupid little nonsense like ‘My phone was right here and now it’s on the opposite side of the table and I couldn’t find it’ or ‘There was a letter that is very important and you put it somewhere!’
That one night I hung out at a friend’s house and my parents meant to pick me up (even tho I said there is no need to and that I can sleep at his house.) I got pretty intoxicated and usually, I don’t talk much (doesn’t matter if I am intoxicated or not).
My parents started fighting again and my butt in the back of the car just started screaming:
‘Could you two jerks please SHUT UP! This stuff right here is worse than the playfights I have with my sister! You guys are like kindergarten children! Stop the car and let me out!
I will walk home!’ (It was 3:20 am and I had no idea where I was.)
They didn’t speak to me for 2 weeks but it was worth it because now they’re at least a little bit grown up.”
21. Want To Start A Fight? Get Peed On Instead
“I was playing pool with a friend and another of my friends whom we’ll call L was playing at the table next to me. The tables are set up fairly close together, but there is plenty of room if people are courteous with each other.
Next to L’s table was a group of about 6 people with one particularly discourteous Australian with a really goofy poofy curly mullet. They kept getting in the way and L asked them nicely a number of times to move so he could take his shot, but Jerk Australian guy kept getting in his face more each time.
So as the tension increases I make eye contact with something like 15-20 of our friends on surrounding tables, the bar, the bouncers, etc. Clearly, all of us are aware of the situation and watching to see what happens. L is not a big guy (though he could probably have taken jerk himself) but the number of guys within 30 feet that had L’s back would have been hilariously overwhelming.
So, I get distracted by my game and a few minutes later L walks up to me from the direction of the bathrooms (which my table was right beside) with the biggest grin I’ve ever seen in my life. I swear his mouth was touching his ears on both sides.
I look around and don’t see the jerk, so I ask L if he kicked the guy’s butt in the bathroom.
‘Better,’ he says… When L walked in, Jerk was so intoxicated that he was leaning his head on his arm and his arm on the wall while he peed half passed out at the urinal. L proceeded to pee all over Jerk and then walk out.
I had just heard this story to look up and see Jerk walk out of the bathroom, utterly soaked in urine… pants, shirt, shoes, everything. He looked like he was about to cry and quickly left the bar with his friends.”
20. Can't Let Me Live In Peace? Neither Can You
“I’ve done a fair share of passive-aggressive stuff.
See, I live in this house where there are two apartments, separated by thin walls, and you can hear almost everything in the other apartment. I try to be quiet by using my headset pretty much all day and keeping my voice down.
My neighbor thinks it’s funny to throw parties lasting for two days straight, with loud music and shouting. He also likes to randomly start playing loud annoying metronome drum beats for hours on end, at odd hours.
There I lie sleeping in my bed, and at 3 AM I suddenly wake up to a very loud 120bpm kick drum metronome beat that keeps going uninterrupted for about six hours straight.
I also found out he’s locked himself into my bathroom to use that and lets his guests do the same, on several occasions, without my permission – and in fact against my express permission.
Eventually, I’ve gotten to the point where I started to punish him when he does something like this.
His guests play loud music? I hide their shoes. He enters my bath? I enter his apartment when he’s out and rearrange small objects around the house, just enough so he wonders if things might have moved (this is how I first started suspecting he’d been in my bath.
Things weren’t quite where I left them. The soap dispenser wasn’t quite as full as I remembered, and so on. I thought I was losing my mind until I finally caught him red-handed one night).
He plays loud music during the night? I tell on his mother.
At this point, I’m considering starting to replace that tactic with calling the cops.
We also share an internet connection. And the man loves his torrenting. And when that started cutting into my gaming time, I logged into our router and changed the QoS in such a way that anything I do is prioritized above him.
Screw him.
These are the most passive-aggressive tactics I can remember doing, that I’m willing to share, anyway.”
19. Keep Me Up At Night? Wake Up To The Sounds Of Hungry Seagulls
“When we were younger, my family consisting of me, my sister and our parents were staying in a caravan park as part of a cheap sightseeing holiday in Dorset.
It was a nice caravan park though, and the ‘caravans’ were more like big mobile homes; more than enough room inside to get up to running speed from one end to the other. Yes, this is going to be relevant. We had some trip or other planned for the next day, which meant we had to get up fairly early, so we were all going to bed at about 9 pm.
Except for the noise from the caravan next door was making it difficult to do so. It sounded like they had a kid, and it sounded like the kid was extremely hyperactive and was literally running from one end of the caravan to the other non-stop for several hours.
Thump thump thump thump thump. And this was at about 9 pm when any child young enough to not know better should have been asleep anyway. Anyway, eventually the noise stops and we go to sleep.
We’re awoken in the morning by tapping sounds coming from the roof of the caravan.
At first, I think its rain, but its too loud and too infrequent. Turns out there were seagulls on the roof, for some reason. I peer through the windows and see that there are seagulls on the caravan next door as well. Like, a lot of seagulls.
Like, holy man, that’s a lot of seagulls. As bad as the noise was for us it must have been awful for them, they were pecking at something on their roof, pooping everywhere, and generally being seagulls.
Turns out my dad had woken up after a rather poor night of sleep, gone outside for his morning smoke, and tossed some stale bread onto the roof of their caravan.”
18. Ex Won't Leave You Alone? Make Him Think You're Newly Engaged
“My ex was a big jerk. Half the time we were seeing each other he would talk about how he wanted to sleep with other people. He was a terrible, terrible partner.
After we broke up he was constantly whining about how he wanted to get back together with me, how he’d be better this time around, and so on. I would point out that he had dumped me multiple times before, but when I finally dumped him it was the biggest tragedy on the planet.
There was not a single part of me that wanted to get back together with him. He was selfish, pompous, and constantly thinking about other women.
And yet, no matter how many times I’d point this out, he would constantly text me about how much he missed me and wanted another chance.
He’d text me about wanting to see me at 2 AM, text me weird melodramatic cryptic messages at 2 PM, make fun of the people I was seeing, and so on. I told him over and over again to stop texting me, but he never respected me enough to stop.
He even texted me on my birthday, because clearly, I was just dying to hear from him on that day. He texted me for an entire year after our break-up.
So one day I came up with an idea to shut him up. I had a pretty weird phone at the time and wrote a message that looked like a group text but wasn’t.
I made it look like it was addressed to everyone on my cell phone, but in reality, it was only addressed to him. In it, I said my partner had proposed and that I was now engaged, and that I was so happy especially because he and I had just gotten matching tattoos, and wasn’t that exciting!?!?!
Now, he didn’t hold off on making a few snide remarks, but the texts from him did reduce. I would never know how much it really worked though because I ended up getting a new phone and number later, but at least I know it got to him.
And as far as I know, he still thinks I’m engaged.”
Another User Comments:
“Been there. I didn’t use a cellphone though. Just gossipy neighbors.
There’s a guy out there somewhere who thinks I moved to the other side of the country to get married to a guy I’d been seeing for a few months.
We’d actually amicably broken up and I was moving, but only a few hours north.
Idiot still tries to friend me on social media.” sig863
17. Take Food From College Kids? You'll Be Running To The Bathroom
“In the university dorm, we had a common kitchen to prepare ourselves our meals.
The first year I was almost addicted to the ‘drinkable yogurt’ so I always had 2 or 3 bottles in the kitchen fridge.
There was someone that used to steal other people’s food and needless to say, a lot of the people in the dorms got angry.
One day this guy went too far, stealing and eating all of my 3 mangos and drinking half a bottle of my yogurt (mangos are super expensive in my country and I was a broke uni student). I and a friend (med student) got up with a funny plan, bought a new bottle of yogurt, and filled it with laxatives using a super-fine needle under the neck of the bottle.
Oh and I forgot to mention, the laxative was super strong. My buddy forgot to wash the tablespoon after we used it to prepare the needle and used it to eat a yogurt, and he called me during the night while he was in the bathroom just to tell me how strong the substance was and we laughed a lot about how dumb he was.
Later the next day we go to the uni canteen and finally, we got our revenge.
We saw this guy, white as a sheet of paper walking in and was super angry, it was winter and he was sweating. He came to the canteen just to stay with his friends and didn’t eat anything.
From the smell of poop in the hallway near his room, we assumed he didn’t make it to the bathroom in time and just pooped his pants on the way.
Checked the contaminated bottle and it was 3/4 full (that medicine kicks in super fast.)
Needless to say, no more food got stolen.
Victory.”
16. Try To Get Back At Me By Locking My Bike? I'll Have You Question How I Got It Free
“I had been having issues with a stupid roommate and was moving out. My cats may have peed on his partner’s expensive purse, but even if they did (the partner had animals at her house too), it was most likely due to my stupid roommate continually closing the door where their litter box was.
Stupid roommate decides that I owe $450 for this 2-year-old purse. He also was doing something to my cats because during the last 2 months I lived there they became terrified of him and normally they’re very friendly to everyone. Also, he and his ugly, cabbage patch-faced, awkwardly fat partner would be loud when they knew I was home, just to be rude.
When I went to move some of the bigger items out with the help of my friend and her husband, I find my expensive road bike (about $1500) u-locked to stupid roommate’s workout bench. At first, I panic, then my friend’s husband takes a look at it and says that he can take apart the workout bench and free my bike.
He manages to do this and decides to put the workout bench back together afterward. He thought it would be more amusing this way because the guy would have no idea how I got my bike unattached. He put it back together correctly, we didn’t want stupid roommate to get hurt or something.
The u-lock I had cut off for free at a bike shop where I’m friendly with the manager. I never paid for the purse either because it wasn’t my responsibility. I just wish I could have been there to see the look on the jerk’s face when he came home and found I’d taken my bike.”
There is no better revenge then inhabiting a space in a person's brain for the rest of their life.
15. Annoying Frat Neighbours? We'll Seal Your House Shut
“While in college my buddies and I had these awful frat boys living out on their own in the house across the street from us. They stole from us, hosted raging parties all the time that would usually result in screaming in the street till the early hours of the morning and they dumped their garbage with ours.
We went to school in a town that required a $2 garbage sticker to be placed on every bag in order for it to be picked up. This went on for months. They were hoping that it would be picked up with our tagged garbage. Instead, it just sat on the sidewalk in front of our house for months and accumulated so much that we got a $900 citation from the city.
At this point, we called the cops. The cops showed up and went through the garbage, found mail with their address on it, and made them clean it all up. This however was not enough revenge for me.
I bought some Mighty Putty over Christmas break that year.
While all of them were home for the holidays, a few friends and I used it to seal the entire house shut. We mashed it into the locks, window seals, door seals, etc.. I’ll always remember laying in bed the day before classes were about to resume and hearing the first jerk back roll up to the house.
I heard him get out of the car, walk up to the door, scream ‘OH WHAT THE HECK?!?’ get back in his car and drive away. I woke up the next day, looked across the street, and saw that they needed to break the doorknob off the door in order to get back into their house.
Later, in the spring, I went to the local sports outfitter and bought as much deer scent as I could. Since they were the frequent hosts of parties, their front porch was covered in red and blue solo cups. On my way home from work that weekend I walked past their porch with a red solo cup filled with deer scent.
I doused everything on that porch in the concentrated deer pee. Couches, pong table, lazy boy chair. Everything. And just tossed the cup down with the rest. You could smell it from a block away if the wind was right.”
14. Be Awful To Me? I Won't Catch You When You Fall
“My now ex-mother-in-law was a complete jerk from day 1 of meeting her. I’m a big woman and she’s a lot bigger but would always talk trash about my weight, call me by my husband’s ex-partner’s name and pretend it was a brain fart, just a ton of petty passive-aggressive nonsense that got worse when I got pregnant with her first grandson.
I bent over backward to try to make this woman like me and she never has and never will because I married her son.
Fast forward 2 years. Her mother dies and we’re at the funeral. I’m behind her in line for viewing and when we make it up to the casket she starts moaning and crying (I get it, it was her mother but she was still a jerk), and wobbles like she’s going to fall backward in a faint.
I have never sidestepped a jerk as fast as I did her that day. Her fat butt hit the floor. There was absolutely no way I was going to risk my back and knees catching her after she’d spent the last two years being a jerk toward me.
Exactly 25 days later I filed for divorce and dropped hubby off at his mom’s house for good.”
13. Become Addicted To Your Online Second Life? It's Time To Move You And Your Laptop Out
“My dad and my ex-stepmom were married for nearly twenty years.
My ex-stepmom, Becky, worked as a teacher a few towns over, while my dad owns his own roofing business.
My stepmom volunteered to help teach this online course-thing (I don’t know what the deal was, but it was school-related, that much I know) through Second Life.
However, the online course was only supposed to last for a few weeks, but even after it was finished, Becky continued playing the game. She got so absorbed into it that she literally began neglecting everything else. She used to spend all her time reading, she used to cook dinners occasionally, take our two dogs for walks and play outside.
But it all stopped, her books collected dust, the dogs became neglected and there she’d be, sitting in her chair with her nose into her computer, giggling at seemingly nothing. Neither my dad nor I thought much of it at first, other than it was just a little bit creepy.
But she began to change as a person, she started referring to herself as ‘Becca,’ using words and doing things a seventeen-year-old girl would do, not a thirty-eight-year-old woman. My dad had never been one to invade even the privacy of his wife, but he eventually got fed up with it and snooped through her e-mail.
He unearthed a ton of stuff related to Second Life, and through these discovered that she was having… I don’t know, ‘internet rendezvous,’ with some guy whose username was something-Thorn. I didn’t witness any of this firsthand, but my dad told me the entire story.
He tried to put up with it for a while, brushing it off as just some fantasy. Eventually, he couldn’t take it anymore and called her on it. She accused him of invading her ‘private life,’ which always confused me because they were married. They began to fight a lot, but my dad tried to work to save their marriage even so.
Partially because he adored Becky and partially for the sake of my half-sister and his daughter, who was four at the time.
Eventually, it got to the point where my dad decided there was no dragging her away from her laptop. So, without her knowing, my dad began to set up an apartment for her – I think he put down the first month’s rent and security deposit, but I’m not too sure.
And then while she was away for a week over the summer with some other teachers she worked with, to grade tests in Florida or something along those lines, he packed up all of her stuff and moved it into the apartment. He parked her car in the parking lot of the complex and when he went to pick her up from the airport, he dropped her off at her new place without any warning and left her there.
And shortly after he met and began seeing this incredibly beautiful blonde woman, who he’s still seeing nearly a year later.
The downside is my stepmom got to keep my little sister for most of the time and is moving to Columbia (South America) with her after this summer.”
12. Hijack My Friend's Burrito? I'll Dump Cherry Soda All Over It
“One night during my sophomore year of college, I found myself in a huge line at Qdoba with a young lady on whom I had a pretty sizable crush. As we were talking, the line barely moving, we ended up kissing.
She told me that she’d wanted that to happen for a long time, which had me pretty pumped. When it was her turn to order, some random woman jumped ahead of us and started telling what she’d like on the burrito that my smoochmate had just ordered. I asked the rando exactly what she was doing, and she replied in very awful Spanish, likely assuming I didn’t speak any.
I repeated my question in Spanish, and she just ignored me. The staff noticed what was happening but rather than deny her service and likely end up slowing down the line as a result, they just started a new burrito for my friend. While they’re working on both burritos, I grab a water cup and fill it with cherry soda.
My friend gets her burrito a minute after the rando does, by which point I’ve clocked where the rando is sitting. She’s with two dudes, making the coming gambit a bit dicier than I’d hoped, but as we’re leaving I walk up to the rando and dump a cup of soda on her burrito.
The dudes immediately stand up like they want to fight, but they don’t follow us out onto the street. Don’t hijack burritos.”
11. Burn My Hand? Get Sawdust In Your Eyes
“Junior year in High School (just a few years ago) I was in Workshop class and we were designing and building some clocks.
There was lots of hot gluing involved after the wood was all cut, so the whole class was in the shop working with the glue.
This mean kid who really didn’t fit in with the class and who’d made fun of me quite a bit in the past started throwing little blocks of wood and stuff at my back since I was facing away from him.
After being hit a couple of times and hearing his giggling I started throwing stuff back at him. He continued taunting with ‘What are you gonna do?’ I figure it’s over after a while and get back to work. A couple of minutes later he covers a block of wood with hot glue and throws it at me.
I had no idea what it was, but it hit me on the back and stuck. I figured it was a roll of duct tape or something, so I tried to swat it off with my hand, which of course caused me to burn the life out of the back of my hand.
More giggling.
A little about me first. Typical nerdy awkward kid when you don’t know me (Jerk does not), but my friends who know me know what I’m like when I’m mad, even though it isn’t that often. Somehow the stories about me being angry spread amongst my friends.
I talk about it with all my friends at the table while ignoring the jerk, they all reassure me that they have my back whatever I decide to do. Near the end of class, everyone is cleaning up the shop, including the sawdust, which I take a handful of.
I walk up to one of my friends and say ‘You think he’d like some of this?’ or something like that, the adrenaline kinda made me forget exactly what dialog was exchanged. As I walk back to the shop area to put the sawdust where it would get sucked up, I hear a comment from the jerk who’s sitting off to the side not cleaning up.
‘What’re you gonna do?’
I walk over and get in his face (COMPLETELY out of character for me, which contributes to:) and he laughs. ‘You got something to say?’
‘Look what you did to my hand!’ Poof! Sawdust in the eyes. ‘Oh wait, you can’t.’ Eyewash.
I’m expecting yelling from the teacher, principal’s office, suspension, all that jazz. Turns out the teacher didn’t want to look like he wasn’t supervising us, so all I got was a stern talking to. Didn’t even call my parents.
Oh, and the teacher called me ‘Sawdust’ for the rest of the year.
Awesome teacher.”
10. Don't Like The Way I Dress Or Act? Good Luck Working Black Friday Without Me
“I’m self-employed but wanted to get out of the house a bit, so I took a seasonal job at JCPenney. I have extensive retail management experience, but they just needed a cashier. Cool. I did a few shifts, hated it, but bought new Christmas stuff to replace what I had left behind with my ex at deeply discounted prices.
I was already thinking of just quitting (because it was peanuts compared to working for myself), but that day the management team presented me with an official name tag and acted like it was a huge deal.
I was scheduled to work 4-midnight on Thanksgiving and expected to be back at 8 am Black Friday.
I was dressed in a black blazer and skirt combo, so completely professional. Immediately management chewed me out for not wearing a red shirt. Originally they had said they would provide one but never did. I told them I wasn’t spending an hour’s wages on a red shirt for a seasonal job, especially when other jobs usually provided me hundreds of dollars in clothes if a certain image was expected.
My tolerance for nonsense had already been exceeded and I wasn’t yet on the floor. I was asked to do go-backs, and I kept my section of the store immaculate while the rest looked horrible (the other seasonals were all high school girls with their first jobs, so not their fault).
There was an abandoned cart full of stuff in my section, so I whisked it all back into place in just a minute. Apparently, the lady who had abandoned it got angry and demanded to know who had taken her stuff, but it was so chaotic no one knew, and I said nothing.
I just listened in passing as I grabbed the go-backs while she chewed out the manager but nothing could be done for her.
Toward the end of the night, I got put on register. These pillows were marked buy one, get them 50% off. This younger guy wanted to purchase them and struggled to understand the deal. I explained, he understood.
Cue his Kevin dad, who butted in and said he thinks the sign means buy one, get one free. I said he could visualize it like that if it helped him understand. So he then insisted in a real jerk way that if they returned one, that they would get a full refund.
I said no. He tried arguing with me about it, but I shut that nonsense down by walking over to the sign, pointing at it, and explaining in full detail why he was an idiot. I wasn’t nice, and I was openly hostile, which would have put me in hot water if I had actually planned to stay with this job, but already I had had the worst customers of any Black Friday I had worked. I felt bad for the younger guy though, because he was definitely embarrassed.
So I was exhausted, ready to go home, and ready to just forget getting out of the house. Right at midnight, the other girl at the cash wrap starts doing a transaction for a Karen who was in the fitting room for the past half hour.
I cash out my register (their cash out policy is the dumbest, most confusing nonsense I had ever seen, btw) because that’s my job. Meanwhile, this girl starts doing a credit application. I said screw it and went to go clock out, because I had to be there early, and I already knew that girl, in particular, didn’t have to be back until afternoon.
I had to wait to be let out of the locked building. I thought it was over.
The store manager approached and snapped at me about leaving behind the other girl. Now, at every store I had worked at (again, extensive retail management experience), the policy had been to let non-management personnel leave on time if they had completed their work and they weren’t needed. I didn’t know of such a policy requiring me to stand there twiddling my thumbs because it wasn’t like they trained anybody on closing procedures, and I hadn’t worked a closing there yet.
She then made me stand there, still locked in, as she went back to her office to count money. I was fuming at that point. Another person on the management team walked by and gladly let me out, and she was chirpily telling me how great I had done that day and how happy they were to have me.
I told her to not expect me back in the morning. She thought I was joking. If you know anything about retail, someone not showing up for Black Friday can throw everything off and ruin the momentum for the entire weekend.
Anyway, that management team is all losing their jobs and their store next month since that store is closing permanently.
Oh well.”
9. Lashing Out At My Sister For Something She Didn't Even Do
“I was probably 15 or so, and I’d had my first PC for a year or two. It was 2nd-hand, slow (386 25MHz) but it was mine and it was awesome.
One day I turn it on and the monitor is all funky colors.
It appeared to me to be the effect of taking a strong magnet and running it over the screen. This I had learned at school, by taking a strong magnet and running it over their screens.
However, now it was MY monitor, and I was angry.
The only person it could have been was my sister, a year younger than me. I don’t know why she would have done it, and I had no reason to think it was her, but it had to have been. Who else could have done this?
I was angry. And also because my best friend was there at the time I guess maybe I was showing off a bit, too. Luckily for her, she wasn’t home at the time.
So I go get a knife from the kitchen, and I go to her room, and I start slashing at all her posters on the walls.
Cut, slice, slash. That’ll teach her, I thought.
Satisfied my revenge was sweet, I left the house with my friend, went to hang out at his house, and pretty much forgot all about it.
Until I got home that evening, that is.
She was in hysterics, my parents thought someone must have broken into the house and done this to her room as some kind of threat or warning.
I admitted to doing it and gave my reasons.
I was angry, I accused her of breaking my precious computer monitor. She denied it of course. She knew nothing about computers and had no idea a magnet could do that to a screen. My cuts were so deep they had left score marks in the wallpaper under the posters.
It seems silly now. It turns out the monitor was simply faulty and died completely not long after that. I don’t remember what my punishment was, but now I know not to accuse people of things so easily.”
8. Keep Scheduling Me For Work I Don't Want To Do? I'll Sell My Friends Expensive Meat For Cheap
“When I worked as a grocery bagger, the bosses would have us clean and sanitize the butcher shop. It took about an hour. They could pay us $8 an hour to do it, or pay the journeyman meat cutter his hourly wage, so of course, they chose us.
It was such bad work, and being younger than 18 I wasn’t really supposed to be working around that specific area (knives, cutting machines, etc.) Customers would come during the process and want something from the case, and we would have to stop what we were doing, grab the item, weigh it, package it, and price it for them.
I didn’t want to do it. I was good at it, though, so I started getting scheduled specifically so I could do the cleaning. After weeks of this, I had enough. I packaged and sold several choice cuts of meat to friends for the price of ground beef.
We had an incredible backyard barbeque and it cost us less than $20 for all of the steaks. No one ever figured it out.
I also caused a major disturbance by printing out a custom $999 bar code sticker and putting it on a can of Pringles.
Apparently, when you scan and void something that totals over a thousand dollars after taxes it throws up several red flags and requires a system override by fancy corporate people.”
7. Be Rude At Check-In? Say Goodbye To Your Luggage
“Years ago I used to work for an airline and worked the check-in desks, you know…before online check-in and all that jazz.
The guy on the desk next to me had the rudest, rudest person I’ve ever seen. She was losing her mind because her travel agent promised her a certain seat, and now upon check-in, she didn’t have it.
She’d arrived about ten minutes before the flight closed for check-in, and the flight was full so at that stage, all the pre-assigned seats had been released to make sure there was enough selection left for those that didn’t have pre-assigned seating (back then, only 40% of the cabin could be pre-assigned, just to give you an idea how full it was, we were fast running out of the remaining 60% and families needed to be sat together and a nicety for couples too, so solo travelers do get a raw deal but that’s life.)
She was vile, saying she paid for THAT exact seat, called my colleague a liar, demanding to be upgraded, swearing, generally causing a scene, called my colleague a few names too in her native language (I think Spanish or Italian) saying she was taking his name to report is, which my colleague gladly gave his full name and payroll number, saying she will get him sacked for being incompetent blah blah blah.
You know the kind. The way she switched from normal passenger to jerk was incredible.
She finally spoke to a manager who basically told her the same info, we literally didn’t have another seat to move her to but we would rebook her on the next flight with a better seat if she wanted but she finally accepted her fate.
After she left her bag was still on the baggage belt, and just before pressing the dispatch button, my colleague ripped the barcode tag, her own tag, and the barcode sticker off then sent it.
Bye-bye! Good luck seeing that again. Heathrow too so…probably still there.”
6. Think You're Smarter Than Everyone? I'll Find Your Weakness And Use It Against You
“There was a girl in my high school class who went out of her way to demonstrate that she was more capable and intelligent than everyone else. All in all, frustrating, but manageable.
However, after going on a college tour to my top school of choice, she proclaimed, loudly, to the teachers leading the tour that she ‘didn’t understand why we’re even going (here).
It’s not like anyone else could get in besides (her).’ Being a depraved, unpopular student without a great deal of success beyond my grades and without many aspirations beyond playing Xbox Live or WoW, I found a cause to champion.
It was her goal to become the class valedictorian.
Where before, I was somewhat of a slacker and made A’s and B’s without any real difficulty, I devoted myself to obtaining the grades necessary to either deprive her of this goal by taking it for myself or to tie her if absolutely necessary.
We ended up tying, and after much guilt-tripping and being obstinate and frustrating, I managed to get the first speech of the two we were supposed to give.
At some point, she realized that I wouldn’t let her have the first speech, and as much as it angered her, I had the guidance counselor in charge of running graduation on my side by virtue of taking steps to become the counselor’s aide in my junior and senior years in lieu of taking a free period.
Now, these petty little victories were merely the foreplay of my mind-blowing. You see, this girl had the somewhat unfortunate position of being raised by a single mother. In retrospect, the abandonment of her family by her father, shortly after her birth probably resulted in a lot of conflict with her mother, and the resultant low self-esteem necessary to be a gigantic jerk about academics.
But at this point, I was committed to bringing about my psychotic levels of vengeance.
So, in my speech, I went to great pains to describe how the effort of my parents’ combined efforts were the abilities I need to get to be where I was, and how without them I would’ve been only half the person I was standing there on that stage.
Then I went to great pains to describe joyous experiences with my father. This speech lasted about ten minutes.
The audience applauded my speech that was superficially about the bonds of family. Little did they know that each praise towards my parents was another little twist of the knife.
So yeah, by the time she took the stage she was shaking and on the verge of tears. This in and of itself made it worse, because to the unknowing audience, she just sucked at giving a speech and the event coordinators were right to start with me.”
5. It's Lights Out For The Maintenance Guy
“My university apartment is rather old, and after a few renovations, the bathroom was left a bit flawed. The sinks work oddly and the toilet stall thing literally leaves no room for someone of a decent size to take a dump. I’m not obese, but at 6’4” and 180 pounds, dropping the kids off at the pool is quite a task.
After the first time I dropped a deuce I realized that and started using the brand new, almost always empty, and very clean public bathrooms of the nearby university housing mini-rec center. It also was locked to the general public unless you had a resident’s key.
It would almost always be empty, but once in a while, a university maintenance worker would come in to take a pee.
One time I was minding my own business, taking a dump, when one of them walks in. I was in a stall where there was about a 50/50 chance he would see my shoes and dropped pants and realize my presence.
Of course, there was no way to tell whether he did or not. I glimpsed his distinct boots and heard his distinct mouth breathing and occasional snorting. Upon leaving the bathroom he switched off the lights. I had the ‘Okay’ face on. The light switches in the bathroom activated the sensor lights, so there was real reason to turn them off.
After a few minutes of fumbling, I wiped up and made it out alive, although I was pretty annoyed.
About a week or two later I was in the same position, but this time in a stall where it was impossible not to notice the shoes and dropped pants of the helpless poop taker.
I was wearing the same shoes and similar basketball shorts. Once again I hear the door unlock and I hear the entrance of the maintenance mouth breather man. I see his distinct rugged boots pass slowly by my stall as I wait helpless, trying to extract my bowels.
He hums nonchalantly, very evil-like, as he finishes his urination. He then zips quickly, washes his hands for a split second, and walks out, turning off the lights and letting out a chortle of pure evil. This time I did not sport the ‘Okay’ face, but the rage face.
My heart burned with a vengeance. If it weren’t so dark the fire in my eyes would be clearly apparent. I felt like Hamlet, and dastardly Uncle Claudius had played me for the very last time. I knew, deep down, that I would draw my poison dagger and inflict a quick revenge once I found him in the same vulnerable state.
Fast forward a couple more weeks. I stroll into the bathroom and quickly I notice the rugged, evil boots at the bottom of the stall with some dirty-looking, pulled-down pants draped over them. I hear the mouth-breathing, reminiscent of Vader, or a sleeping Wildebeast. I was now at Claudius’s back, it was time to draw my dagger.
I was still wearing the same shoes as before, my very unique shoes: no one else had them. I take a nonchalant pee, humming menacingly. I then do a quick wash of the hands. I walk towards the door and my tune just turns pure evil.
I flip the lights off as I exit and quickly shut the door. But no, I was not finished. I would not leave my harasser, the man who humiliated me with a simple lights out.
As I exit I see his janitorial cart, which was nearly the exact length as the hallway was for the pull-open bathroom door.
I jam the cart perfectly between the door and the opposing hallway, making the door completely wedged shut. I then enter the main room of the rec center, which houses the main electrical shut-off (for the convenience of the people who close it down nightly, and vengeance, obviously.) I then shut down the main power for the entire small building.
Checkmate. As I first exited the bathroom I felt like King Leonidas kicking the Persian messenger into the pit of darkness, dunking him deep into a vast whole of eternal darkness. There was no mercy, no regrets. This is madness? This is my bathroom. May the king never rest in his torment of eternal darkness.”
4. Try To Kick Me Out Of Your Party? I'll Throw My Chewed Gum In Your Laundry
“This one guy was a jerk at a house party and tried kicking me and my friend (who was best friends with the roommate of said jerk) out in about the worst way possible.
I was very intoxicated, and although I handle my booze well, I do not drink often.
Back at my friend’s frat house (which we ended up going back to since the house party was our ONLY plans that night), there is a gumball machine with those huge, ultra-sticky, ultra-large gumballs that lose flavor after half a second.
I at the time decided it would be a great idea to see how many of them could fit into my mouth.
After a large-man’s-fist-sized wad of gum had formed, I had an idea: to return to the party and ruin this dude’s day somehow.
Executing the premeditated plan, I enter through the backdoor leading into the basement. The place is abandoned, all the party-goers are upstairs. I would have to act quickly.
Searching frantically for a place to stash the gum, I eventually find the jerk’s room and a large stack of VERY nice and VERY expensive clothes on the floor.
Right outside the room was a washer and dryer.
I did not hesitate to throw that gum in, all of the laundry, and just for good measure, empty an entire bladder into that dryer and start the load. As I walked upstairs, the jerk was walking downstairs to use the bathroom.
‘Hey, didn’t I kick you out?! What are you doing here still? And why are you in my basement?!’
‘I had to pee and was looking for a bathroom. Sorry man. I found a place to go though, I’ll be leaving now though.’
And that, sadly, is all that has yet to come of the situation. I moved shortly after, and my buddy hasn’t heard a thing asking about it.”
3. I Scared My Spoiled Grandma With A Fake Rat
“All of her life, granny thought of old age as a time to live the Life of Riley: undeserved respect, servants trained to jump at her every scream, etc, etc. In reality, she was nowhere near wealthy enough for that.
She thought of me as a low-IQ chore-doing machine, one she could order around like she was a drill sergeant.
So when she fell, broke her hip, had it replaced, and refused to rehabilitate, my mother and I became the worst servants. My mother tried to help Granny, and she’d sass my mother.
She swore up and down to my mother that I entered her bedroom one November night, wearing nothing but my drawers, and that I crawled up the wall and onto the ceiling, like an insect. Once, she also swore there was a small dog, wrapped like a mummy in newspaper, lying in her bed next to her.
Well, one day I accidentally discovered the element of punishment. Granny used to talk in her sleep, and on this particular day when I was walking through the hall by her room, I heard her say ‘oh Richard (her younger brother who’d been dead for 8 years at the time), please don’t throw that dead rat on me—I’ll absolutely die.’
I told my mother about this and went out to buy a stuffed toy rat from a pet store, arranging that when the next time Granny sassed my mother, I’d threaten to drop the ‘dead rat’ on Granny’s bib area. My mother was totally on board with this.
Sure enough, Granny sassed back at my mother for trying to clean her, so I introduced Pip (the fake rat) to her by dangling him over Granny’s face by his tail, and threatened her by saying ‘you better behave, or I’ll drop a dead rat on you!’ This I did because she started to sass me too.
Granny had grown cross-eyed and couldn’t tell the rat was fake.
Man oh man, you should’ve heard that old witch scream. She even hollered for the next-door neighbor to come over and save her from us, but he didn’t hear us, didn’t care, and was sleeping anyway.
Granny finally agreed to behave if we took the rat away, and she actually did behave for about three minutes. My mother thought it was pretty funny.
But the stuffed rat incident had taken some of the meanness out of her, and Granny finally died a couple of years later.
My mother and I said the reason why Granny lasted as long as she did was that Heaven didn’t want her.”
2. Impatient Driver Gets A Loud Surprise Greeting
“I’ve got a story. Before I tell it there’s some preliminary information you need to know about me. I have a short temper while driving and I grew up and learned how to drive in NY even though I live in Connecticut now.
Anyhow, I was on Long Island one evening with my partner, I was on the Southern State Parkway to be exact.
In the left lane, there was a minivan, an Audi, a mustang, and myself. In the right lane, there was a Volkswagen going at the same speed as all of us in the left lane. The mustang jerk didn’t like being boxed in so for about 3 miles he was consistently beeping at the Audi, and I mean holding the horn down.
The Audi couldn’t do anything because of the van in front of him and the Volkswagen to the right. I felt bad for the person in the Audi and I was tired of listening to this jerk, so I took action.
I moved over behind the Volkswagen and tailed him and got him to speed up and cut the mustang off.
So I boxed him in with the Volkswagen and said to my partner let him beep at me. Sure enough, the obnoxious beeping ensues. So I slammed on the brakes and he swerved and tried to get around me. I drive a 2008 Saab 9-5 aero so no awful mustang is going to get around me.
I maintain my position of being in front and slamming on the brakes.
Unfortunately for me, I got cut off by another minivan and he got away. I was so mad I tailgated the minivan until the jerk moved over so I downshifted from 5th to 3rd and gunned it.
I’m flying down the highway at around 150mph (thank god there wasn’t a cop) and after 30 seconds I see one car ahead, the mustang! I speed up a bit to about 170 and as I’m approaching him from behind I slam the horn. I came up so quickly I must have scared the life out of the jerk because he swerved off the highway onto the grass and I slowed back down to 55 and drove away satisfied. In retrospect, that was a really dumb thing of me to do but it was worth it.”
1. Not Only Will You Not Get My Parking Spot, I'll Also Slash Your Tires
“I was coming out of a Fry’s Electronics store (Manhattan Beach, CA) walking to my car.
This particular Fry’s has an additional parking area to the side that requires you to take some stairs down to reach it. After I took the stairs, I continued to walk to my car (a few feet away) when I hear a rude honk behind me.
By rude I mean those long beeps followed by a small series of beeps, instead of just a single small beep to get my attention.
When I turn around, this guy in a nice Cadillac makes this rude gesture and I read his lips say something similar to ‘move out of the freaking way.’ If he would have acted with a bit more respect I would have gladly moved and even indicated that my car is just ahead and he could take my spot.
But since he was being a jerk to complete stranger, I decided to mess with him.
So after I make eye contact with him, I take out my keys and use my alarm too so he can see my car is nearby. I knew once he saw this, he would want to take my spot.
So I get to my car, sit in the driver’s seat and wait. I notice he hasn’t bugged yet so I look back, smile, and look forward. He eventually gets the hint that he isn’t taking my spot after what he did and moves on.
Now here is where I realize I was a lot angrier then. I sit and wait until he finds his parking spot while I watch him in my rearview mirror. I see him get out and walk toward the stairs leading out of the parking area.
When he is going up the steps and disappears, I open my trunk and get my razor with a retractable blade. I start my car and drive to the area and look for his car. Once I spotted his car, I drove up next to it, get out (my car is still running), and begin to slash a tire.
After I did one, I could not stop and did the other three. I get in my car and drive off.
Screw him. I always try to be respectful and courteous to strangers (golden rule) and try to let things go but that just made me snap a bit.”
Another User Comments:
“That reminds me of a friend of mine who also had a run-in at a mall parking lot. He was the first to an open spot, but while waiting for a car to pass, another driver quickly took it. Clearly, it was even easier for him to find the car afterward.
My friend parked his car in a different spot, walked over to the offender’s car, took his car keys, held out three keys à la wolverine, and walked along all four sides of the car leaving 3 fine key streaks everywhere.
In general, walking away from your property worth tens of thousands of dollars, accessible to a person you just angered, is a very stupid thing to do.” aHoodedBird
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