People Want Our Honest Thoughts On Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
17. AITJ For Getting Mad At My Friend For Leaving Her Partner Just Because He Has A Disabled Sister?
You can’t really force someone into a relationship, regardless of the circumstances.
“My partner’s best friend is a sweet guy and has been single for a while.
One of my closest friends got out of a long-term relationship and after a few years single wanted to start looking for that special someone again. I set them up a few months ago, and they have been seeing each other.
Recently, my friend told me she and my partner’s best friend stopped seeing each other, and I asked her why.
She straight up told me the best friend made it clear he has a disabled sister (Down syndrome), and his parents expect him to take care of in his own home.
I asked why that would be a problem, and she said she didn’t sign up to be her caregiver, and chances are if they live together, she will be at least partly responsible.
I called the best friend, and he told me that he said my friend wouldn’t be responsible for his sister’s care, but that wasn’t good enough for my friend. I asked my friend if she understood that he would hire someone; she would just be living with the sister, and she said the best friend also told her that his family had a lot of financial issues partly from his sister’s care, and he’s only a personal trainer, so chances are he can’t afford private care.
Also, she said he doesn’t make enough to really support his sister with all her medical needs, so she will be at least be partly financially responsible for her, and it’s a burden she doesn’t want. I’m pretty upset because she rejected him on the basis of his sister and over a hypothetical that may not happen.
She also explicitly called his sister a burden which is pretty insulting and ableist.
I called her out on it and told her she can’t get the perfect life, and things happen like she could have a child with downs. She straight up told me while not all diseases are screenable, she would screen for downs and not keep a pregnancy that had it.
I was pretty upset by her and yelled at her that she was heartless because she was so blunt in the way she said she would get rid of her own baby. She hung up mid-yelling, and my husband told me it wasn’t really my business, and even his friend said she was polite about it and isn’t angry.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
It is perfectly okay to opt-out of a relationship because of a lifestyle incompatibility, such as this or someone having kids if you don’t want them. She is under no obligation to choose a life that she doesn’t want. Being a caregiver requires a lot of sacrifice.
It’s none of your business.
You are way too invested in their relationship and acting like the relationship police. It’s one thing to speak up and say “Aw, that sucks – is there no way you could make it work? You seemed happy.” It’s another to tell her she shouldn’t pursue the life she wants simply because you feel bad a relationship she was in isn’t working out for reasons you don’t think are fair.
At the end of the day, yes maybe it shows she’s a little less compassionate than most. Sounds like she made some unkind remarks. But being a caregiver is a HUGE compromise, and she’s allowed to not want to make it.
Even more importantly, the guy here deserves a partner who cares for his sister as much he does and is able and willing to be a partner to him in whatever way he needs to care for her.
And again, it’s none of your business, and it’s a little embarrassing that you’d get so involved.” sakura03220
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It’s not on you to be their relationship counselor.
Also… it’s her boundary. She wants certain things from her life and not having to live with and partially support extended family might be one of them.
Frankly, it doesn’t matter because you ended up goading and pushing until you started an argument.
I think you owe her an apology for meddling in her relationship.
Edit: I get wanting to be supportive of your friend and also wanting to not be “ableist.” But frankly, there are many people who have mental handicaps and diseases or genetic conditions who are raised by parents who are ill-equipped to take care of them properly and assist in supporting their needs.
If your friend doesn’t want to go through with a pregnancy or a relationship because they feel ill-equipped then that is their prerogative as a person who has agency over their body and life. You may not agree but it’s their body, and you can’t force a person to carry a baby to term or financially/emotionally support someone because they’re “ableist.”
Also as a heads-up. It can be a burden to support a family with medical/mental/situational issues regardless of disability, and it’s not ableist to acknowledge that it’s hard and not something you want to sign up for.” Choice_Werewolf1259
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
The parents are jerks for expecting their son and his partner to look after the child; that’s completely unfair.
You’re a jerk for encouraging their behavior and expecting your friend to go along with what they want.
And your friend is a jerk for calling a disabled person a “burden” and saying that she wouldn’t have a disabled child. If she doesn’t want a disabled child, she shouldn’t have children, period.” Cassfan203
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – mainly because you continued to stay in the middle of it vs letting the two people who were together figure out their own lives.
Yes, your friend sounds harsh – but she was talking about herself, and what she does/doesn’t want for Her life. If she were saying cruel things to or about the Sister that would be a different story.
None of us have to agree with her on her choice of keeping the child or not – but the fact that she feels that way would likely not be compatible with how this man feels.
If she knows herself well enough to know that she wouldn’t be happy, and wouldn’t be GOOD at helping to care for the adult sister – good for her, and good for everyone.
She’s not asking this young man to choose – she’s saying she’s not up for that life and cutting ties before things get deeper. This is a service to the sister as well. If he is going to be stepping up and having her live with him, his future partner needs to be on board with it, and respect, love, and care for this woman.
You can choose to be friends/not friends with whomever you wish and it could be that her views are abhorrent to you – so part ways. But she isn’t a jerk for breaking up with him.” CarrieCat62
16. AITJ For Saying My Niece Is An Entitled Brat In A Group Text?
“I (41F) and my spouse (46M) have shared a couple of streaming accounts with my SIL over the last few years. We have only shared the ones where they can log in to the device with a code and not the password, so they can only use it on one device due to device limitations.
My SIL has 3 kids, 21F (Annie), 16M (Derek), and 13F (Tarah). Tarah is the “baby” of the family, and my SIL and in-laws bend over backward to give her whatever she wants, whenever she wants it. We’ve had a few conflicts with SIL and Tarah in the past because when they visit, they expect us to cater to whatever Tarah wants.
Last weekend my spouse and I were at an event and sent out a few photos of the event to our family group text (including our 19F and 21M adult kids, the SIL’s family, and in-laws) while we were there. Tarah responded to the group text asking for the password to one of the streaming services.
My spouse ignored the text and sent a couple of other event photos. Tarah then texted my spouse directly about 2 minutes later and said she needed the password because she was at a sleepover, and they don’t have the streaming service, and they want to watch their favorite show.
My spouse told her no because we can’t have the streaming service on more devices otherwise we might lose our account.
She said it wasn’t fair because we let our daughter use it, but we told her that it just wasn’t possible because companies are cracking down on account sharing.
She apparently threw a tantrum over text to her mom, because my SIL texted both of us and said she really needs the login just for one night then they would delete the profile from the friend’s TV.
I told my SIL that we were not going to do that, and if she keeps it up we will change the password and log everyone out, and that they need to stop asking because it was getting frustrating, especially since we were trying to enjoy ourselves at the event.
My SIL proceeded to respond to the group text calling us selfish for not letting a “little girl” have a password just for one night, and that her sleepover was ruined. Tarah chimed in that we were unfair and that we didn’t care about her.
My spouse also responded and asked them to please stop texting about it, but they did not.
I responded to SIL’s text that if she wants it that bad, SIL can set up her own account and pay for it, and that she is encouraging her kid to act like an entitled brat. Now my in-laws are blowing up my phone saying I was out of line for saying that in a group text.
I stopped responding to all of them and shut off my phone, but I had a bunch more texts from SIL and the in-laws the next morning about it. At this point, we’ve just gone in low contact with them because I don’t even know what to say. My spouse is on my side but maybe I was out of line.
AITJ for not giving them the password, and calling out my SIL and niece in the group chat?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It is your account. You are allowed to use it how you please. If they have a problem with it then they can get their own account. And truthfully, as a married woman with kids of my own, I wouldn’t want to share an account with my SIL.
If we all lived together it would maybe be different but if they have their own place then they can pay for their own account. It makes them look cheap. Not to mention that most of them are under $10!” Jenge21
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
Everyone is entitled to something. Problem is, is when people are acting “over-entitled.” If the family can afford it, they owe it to get all their children’s smartphones.
If one or more of the children break their smartphone in a way not covered by the insurance on the smartphone, then the child would be over-entitled to expect it replaced without paying some cost(labor or etc). Calling someone “entitled” as an insult/put down, puts children at risk of child maltreatment.
When correcting minors/younger folk, you have to do it in a way that is dignified. Otherwise, it seldom has the desired effect.
Your emotions were not wrong at all, BUT how you said is were you went wrong.
Don’t get me wrong, your niece is a totally spoiled brat, but she doesn’t need to see/be exposed to those exact words. The words “she doesn’t respect others’ boundaries and is being rude and impolite”, may of worked better.
Your SIL is acting like a total jerk though, and I pity your sibling that has to deal with that madhouse.” Legitimate-Review-56
Another User Comments:
“Nope, not the jerk. You (and everyone else) know the rules. If companies were cracking down on account sharing and if caught you could lose your account then that would cause even more issues.
maybe the entitled brat thing was out of line in a group text, but in all honesty, you were telling the truth. She was acting entitled. My thought – maybe if she had asked in advance then it could have worked out but her demanding it was wrong.” Mickysgirl
15. AITJ For Ruining My Partner's Post-Surgery Vacation?
“Me (48m) am married to my (48m) husband.
Recently my husband has been really ill, I don’t want to get into it, but what started off with him feeling sick has turned into him needing life saving surgery.
About 2 months into recovery after his surgery, I decided to give him a surprise to make him feel better, a trip to Italy. For context, My husband is a little bit from around the world, his family moved a lot including Italy, but the reason I chose Italy is because he’s been asking for it for years, but I refused to go simply due to the fact I have pretty bad anxiety, and going somewhere new really scared me.
But when I told him, he was so excited, so I decided this was a good decision.
In Italy, we stayed in a hotel right next to where he used to live, almost instantly my anxiety started due to me not being able to speak Italian. My husband also reconnected with some of his childhood friends who still lived in that town and called them up they arranged a meeting at a cafe, and of course, I had to go.
At the Café, I was sitting around awkwardly, as my husband talked to his friends (4 of them) in Italian, I wished he would just talk to me or check up on me, but he didn’t, I know this trip was for him, but I still felt left out as he was chatting to his friends as I don’t understand a word.
At some point my husband introduced me and said my name, which is a very Russian name (as I am Russian, lol), and one of his friends turn to me and starts speaking to me, I assumed in french as it definitely wasn’t Russian, and that’s when I snapped, (in English) “I’m obviously not freaking french” in a pretty angry way.
My husband goes white, I doubt his friends understand what I said but my tone was obviously not friendly. All he does is say my name as if telling me to apologize but is acts like I’m being irrational even though he’s been ignoring me for the past few minutes so I tell him, “It’s not like they can understand me.” At this point, he’s red; he finally talks to me in English, telling me to calm down, and we argue for a second.
I finally pay my portion and leave and go back to the hotel.
It takes him hours to arrive at the hotel, and when he does he gives me the silent treatment. That’s when I think I’m the jerk as I tell him something along the lines of, “See why I don’t want to go anywhere with you?” And that’s when he starts to cry but I don’t feel anything at that point as we yell back and forth, when he usually never yells or argues.
Finally I just ignore him and sleep on the couch in the hotel room and he sleeps on the bed.
The next day he tells me he got two tickets to fly back to the US for the next day, even though we were supposed to stay for another week. I tell him I’ll pay for him to stay another week and spend time with his friends but says he wants to stay with me, obviously guilt-tripping me, but I ignore him.
We are now 4 months later, I look at him and wonder, was I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
It’s Italy? Most people I met there spoke English – maybe not 100% fluent, but we made an understanding. You didn’t have to snap at people. You made a mistake by sitting there so long and saying nothing.
This is a conversation that should have happened before you left – with your husband – around expectations. If his friends don’t speak English, then you needed a plan to deal with that. What there were no shops around you could go look in? No galleries or anything you would like to see that you could have just taken yourself to?
Even a relaxing afternoon in your accommodation reading or something. You should have also ensured he knew to check in with you every now and then, and include you.
All these people are lucky enough to have someone in their lives yet apparently can’t talk to them. It’s just sad.” alien_overload_1001
Another User Comments:
“So you’re mad you’re being ignored. He includes you and a friend who tries (unsuccessfully) to communicate in your language, and you flip out. You’re a major jerk.
Your spouse has been wanting to travel for years, but your anxiety has been stopping him. So then you tell him “this is why I don’t want to go anywhere with you”?
You’re a super jerk.
After a huge fight, he comes with you back home, as a good spouse, and you assume he’s guilt-tripping you and clearly don’t resolve the issue. You’re a mega jerk.
I would bet you put a permanent fracture in your marriage with your little temper tantrum.” Mysterious_Salt_247
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, and Jesus Christ, you really love to twist the knife, don’t you?
You say the trip was supposed to be about your husband enjoying himself and not pandering to you but as soon as he starts to enjoy himself you throw a stroppy fit.
You then sit around, and instead of cooling off and even thinking for a second that you were in the wrong, you wait til he gets home just so you can say ‘See this is why I don’t go anywhere with you’
And to say that he’s guilt-tripping you by coming home early with you is laughable. Had me decided to stay on, you’d be here saying, ‘I told him to stay on and he did; he clearly doesn’t respect or love me as he would have come home if he did.’
You are a massive jerk and extremely manipulative.” Lion-Competitive
14. AITJ For Getting Upset At My Husband's Vacation Plans?
“Me (36f) and my husband (36m) have 2 children under 5. We both work full-time. Our oldest starts school this week and had 2 appointments this week. I have -yet- to go school shopping as he was just placed on Monday.
My husband took a week off work. He wanted to get some yard work done, finish our fence and just have a good relaxing time.
Sunday he wanted to get started on everything so I was solo parenting the kids all day. It was kind outside of cold and rainy so we had a lazy day. My husband puttered in the yard and drank beer all day.
Monday, he and his cousin (35f) build a shed for a friend and get really intoxicated, and he doesn’t come home until midnight.
He got paid and had some fun so good for him. I worked, picked up the kids from daycare, cooked, played, and did bedtimes all by myself.
Tuesday evening, we had an activity for one of the kids and then I had a birthday supper, but my husband was drinking so much all the time that he did some random jobs and didn’t have the energy to accompany us to the activity.
After getting everyone fed he took a nap, then I had to wake him up, so I could go out, and when I came home, he had fallen asleep with our youngest, and our older child was watching tv.
Wednesday I am at work and my husband calls me numerous times. Each time he calls me I can tell he is getting more and more intoxicated. We have 2 phone admins and every time he asks for me he says “can I be transferred to the most beautiful person in the building” which albeit sweet is super frustrating for them as we obviously receive lots of phone calls if we have 2 people who just answer incoming phone calls.
He’s calling to tell me he now wants to go to a concert tonight so I am on my own with the kids again tonight? And he’s too intoxicated to pick up the kids, so my dad is doing it now.
I came home and we got into this huge fight about his excessive drinking on vacation.
He says that I’m being a jerk because it’s his vacation he can enjoy it how he wants to. While I agree, he’s also a parent and having time off work doesn’t negate that. Also enjoying a beer or 2 is different than getting wasted.
I told him if his vacation meant that he had no responsibilities and get lit all day that I wanted him to leave.
He says that when you’re doing things like building fences and sheds with friends you have drinks and sometimes get intoxicated and that I am an idiot for not knowing that. He even made a comment to my friend at a playdate tonight “apparently 36f didn’t know that building fences meant getting intoxicated all week” and she was like I guess I didn’t know that either thanks for telling me??
Am I really the jerk here? He is so angry with me and says that I am controlling and he doesn’t want to vacation now he’ll just go back to work and I feel guilty and maybe I’m the jerk.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He is having a drinkation instead of a vacation. Has he even gotten around to the yard or the fence?
Or is it all just partying with friends while building sheds?
He is acting like a child. It’s like he is hitting his midlife crisis early. He also sounds like he has a drinking problem that needs to be addressed. Does he tend to party every night after work too?
And that entire he should just go back to work is emotional blackmail.
He seems to think that a vacation means absolving himself of all parental responsibility. That isn’t how it works, and if you did it, he would be telling you that you’re a bad mother.” Electrical-Aioli6045
Another User Comments:
“Can I just ask you why are you with this man? The fact that you don’t have time for yourself and only drink once a year.
This is what I heard: I don’t have time for myself because of his hobbies, and I am looking after the kids. You’re not his wife; you’re his maid. You cook, clean, and look after the kids.
OP, NTJ for looking after the kids, but YTJ for staying with this man and never taking any time for yourself.
I have never been so shocked in all my life. I need to ask is this what you want for the rest of your life when you’re 80 years of age sitting on a chair and looking out the window, you want to look back on all your amazing memories and stories and life, and the only thing you will have is remembering your husband being intoxicated, having fun with his friends living his best life, and doing his hobbies, where as you just stay home and do everything else.
I don’t care how much he works or does with the kids sounds to me like it’s not enough I DO CARE that you don’t get to spend time with your friends, go on holidays, go to the spa, get your hair done, or spend the weekend away with your friends. You have one LIFE one CHANCE one SHOT; this isn’t a dream thinking you get a do-over.
You’re wasting away your years.
Your husband doesn’t respect you because no man would ever do this to a woman he respects. You need to start living your life. The fact that he is making the decisions, I am going to a concert, so you’re looking after the kids you just bow down without saying anything.
It’s not too late to change this for your own mental health and for your future.” Remarkable_Owl_8412
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, he is building a fence for the property, not a wall between himself and his responsibilities as a parent. If he doesn’t get to be so emotional when he was too scared to tell you that he planned on you taking on all of his responsibilities, anticipated neglecting his relationship with you, and not smart enough to understand that actions have consequences/thought if he didn’t tell you he was going to crap all over the work you do that you wouldn’t notice him popping a squat with his pants down.
You’re not psychic or an idiot, if you could have foreseen he would do this you would have negotiated, and if you were foolish enough to believe this is appropriate behavior, he would have told you.
Fencing isn’t easy, but he’d be traveling in the tray if he pulled this hysterical fit where I’m from, and to be generously understanding now that I’ve been softened after getting out, if he can’t put fencing in without experiencing such emotional turmoil, cognitive distress, and social dysfunction that he needs to get smashed out of his gourd, insult his wife, neglect his children, risk his loved ones employment and more then he shouldn’t be freaking fencing.
He is an adult and you married a capable man.
You have reasonable expectations and are quite generous to him and his… issues but your kids should see that people who work together on shared projects tell each other things at the bare minimum. Do you want your kids growing up thinking it’s ok to withhold information and lie to loved ones if they act cute once I’m a while before putting on the waterways/stomp fest?
Since that is what their father is teaching them.” HannahAnthonia
13. AITJ For Blowing Up At My Partner In Front Of His Friends For Not Doing Anything For My Birthday?
“I (F26) and my partner (M25) both had our birthdays in August, 2 days apart. His was on a weekday and mine was on a Saturday. He couldn’t celebrate his the way he wanted because he had work that day, but I made sure that his day was special. I made his favorite meal, bought him a few meals, just basically made his day feel good.
We had planned to celebrate properly on Saturday, my birthday, and I was excited. However, I noticed when he was making plans, he never mentioned me. He mentioned his friends and places he wanted to go which he knows I don’t really enjoy, but I kept quiet because I thought maybe he had something for me as didn’t want to ruin the surprise.
Saturday rolls by and I only got a happy birthday in the morning and that was it for the whole day. Around 5 pm, he asks me what I want for supper and I told him and he said he was going to pick up supper. Weird for him but I thought this is it. He left with 2 of his friends.
They had come an hour earlier to our place. We stay together.
They left and I didn’t hear from them until 8 pm. He texted and said one of his friends had an emergency, and they had to go to his house quickly. I understood because emergencies just happen. It’s life. All the same, I was already feeling hurt.
From there, he only called me at 1 am on Sunday. He said to me the emergency took so long that by the time they were, done it was too late to come see me, so they instead decided to go clubbing.
At that moment, I saw red. I cried. I was hurt and angry. I didn’t fall asleep until they came back around 5 am.
I tried not to confront him in front of his friends but they kept asking me how my birthday was when they knew I was alone, so eventually, I blew up. I admit it was not right to do so, but I was angry.
He later on said I embarrassed him in front of his friends.
That I failed to see his side of the story. That I was childish and wanted attention. Then from there, he was cold to me for about 5 days now, and we stayed together. It’s been hard and I’m very conflicted.
Was I wrong for blowing up in front of his friends?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – your partner is a real piece of work.
I get it, he wanted to celebrate his own birthday with his friends in the evening and night, but if he was just upfront about it you might have understood. Instead, he made excuses and ended up coming home at 5 am.
Did he at least spend the daytime with you and try to make you feel like it’s your birthday?
No, apparently he didn’t or you wouldn’t have gotten this upset with him.
So he’s a selfish jerk who got scolded in front of his friends, rightfully so, and instead of admitting his mistakes, he blames you for “embarrassing” him in front of his friends…
Guess we know where his priorities really are.” Zagriel55
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You would think that your man would have something planned for your birthday, or at least ask if you wanted to do something that day, especially considering you did something for him. He said happy birthday to you so he clearly didn’t forget about it.
What really irked me was that he said he had an “emergency”, but then went clubbing afterward, and didn’t even bother to ask if you wanted to come.
Bit of a jerk move in my opinion.” Force_Hammer
Another User Comments:
“Ntj, he could’ve celebrated with you during the day and hung out with friends at night -but he ignored you and then lied to you.
I would tell him I want while I think. See friends, and enjoy yourself. Then come back and talk with him about plans for the future.
No one wants this for themselves.
Who cares what you said to his friends? He’s mad that they know he’s a jerk. Were you supposed to lie for him? Seriously ask him that. Then let his reactions guide your answers about the future. If this doesn’t feel right- it’s not.” Investigate_Love8699
12. AITJ For Telling My Partner That She Should Have Asked Me How I Was Doing?
“I, (28M), was/am seeing Gwen (27F).
Background: We went on a vacation together and we agreed I would pay for most of it, as I make over 4X than her. Unfortunately, our first flight on the trip was canceled. She quickly made a flight on a different airline.
We come back from the trip, and Gwen’s mom tells her that she wants $800 from me for the cost of that flight. I say no because I paid for basically the entire trip and incurred random expenses over in Europe. I then ask Gwen to give her mom my number to talk. I tell her mom that we can split the 800.
Gwen agrees that it’s fair. I send the text and her mom says that I wasn’t her peer, I should be grateful to her, especially because they donated $7000 to one of our events. She then said I would regret not paying her.
I send Gwen the message and ask why her mom would say this.
She says she doesn’t know. I press her and she keeps saying “I don’t know.” I drop it but I’m really upset.
Fast forward a day. Gwen hasn’t asked how I’m feeling about it. I haven’t brought it up, or shown that I’m upset, because I’m giving her opportunities to bring it up herself. I finally sit her down and tell her how upset I am and that she didn’t even defend me to her mom, and she didn’t even ask how I was feeling.
I told her that her mom is toxic and that this was a dealbreaker. I even said she could have said “yikes,” and I wouldn’t have been having this conversation now.
She responds by saying she was in shock when she read that, and that she was at work swamped, so all she could say was that.
She “reminds” me that my mom told her she was second place and just a support person, and I didn’t say anything to my mom. I did say something to my mom, but she just didn’t hear it. Gwen then says that I still agreed with my mom about her walking off before she could start yelling at my mom.
(When we were alone, I told her that I agreed with my mom that her walking off was childish, and I still stand by that. Gwen says she walked off because she didn’t want to say anything hurtful to my mom). She argued that she wasn’t agreeing with her mom, and she needed time to process and then deal with the text.
She said she didn’t think about dumping me at the time of my mom’s thing, despite it hurting her.
Gwen says that she planned to talk to her mom today, but I told her there was no need. She told me what she planned to say, which included telling her mom that she was going to go low contact.
(Which to her is a big deal because her parents still help fund her, so I guess confronting her mom would hurt her big time). I said it was too late. Her failure to react quicker, ask me how I was doing, and stand up for me sucked. I told her we were done, and she said that she could fix this and put her mom in her place (she has done this once before for another issue, and it did work).
AITJ for telling her she should have asked me how I was feeling and reacted faster?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Her parents are funding her. You two plan a trip. The flight gets canceled last minute. Not her fault. If you paid for it, then it should not have been on her to pay for an alternate.
It sounds like she used a parent’s credit card to pay for the flight. Of course, you owe them for the flight. You should have been refunded for the canceled flight. You are wrong. It is not childish to walk away from someone verbally mistreating you to diffuse the situation, especially if you realize what you are about to say is better off unsaid.
“Her failure to react quicker, ask me how I was doing, and stand up for me sucked.” Really, the same could be said for your behavior, but instead, you called her childish. You are the A on so many fronts.” holisarcasm
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You expect your partner to respond immediately, in front of you, when you didn’t do it for her?
Can we say “double standard”?
Not everyone can handle confrontation on the fly like that. Obviously, Gwen is in that category. It was literally the next day, a work day, at that, do not even a whole day to process things and respond.
Gwen is well rid of you. You expect waaay more from others than you’re willing/able to do yourself.” SirMittensOfTheHill
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Her life should not 100% revolve around you and vice versa. I couldn’t understand half of your story, but you can not go around expecting people to constantly check on your thoughts and needs without communicating yourself. Also, don’t ever try to break up a family again please.” Beneficial-Horse2274
11. AITJ For Confronting My Mom's Friend About Her Son's Racism?
“I(27F) generally prefer to find love online, but my mom asked if I want to meet her friend’s son.
I had been single for a while and thought he might be a good match from her description of him. We texted for a few days, and he seems ok, so we do a video chat for a first date since we live 2 hours away. We make some small talk for 10 minutes before he asks me about my ex and why I think we didn’t work out.
This is a very weird question to me, and I answered truthfully, and then he asks me what race they are, which is such a weird question, so I ask him to repeat it because I couldn’t believe my ears.
I start suspecting he might have motives for asking this but decide to answer to see if he is racist since I’d rather know upfront.
I said my first partner is white, my second is black, my third is Asian, and my fourth is white. He then makes a face of disgust and asked why I decided to be with a black guy and why only one of my 4 past relationships was Asian.
I make a what the heck face and ask him why it’s relevant.
He says it’s just a question and then before waiting for an answer moved on to something else. I ask him about his experience with relationships, and he says he hasn’t tried getting in a relationship because he’s been too busy with school and work. The rest of the video chat is very awkward, and he ends the chat by asking me how he compares to my exes.
I answer that I’ve only known him for a few days, so I can’t answer the question and he repeats the question and then gives up and we end the call.
After the call, I feel gross and like I need a shower. I call my mom and tell her I don’t want to meet in person (we already have an in-person date scheduled for the weekend), and she asks why and I tell her about the details of the call.
She is shocked this guy is so rude and agrees to end this. I text the guy to tell him we aren’t going to be compatible and he says ok and then asks me why I think we won’t be compatible. I don’t answer him because either he purposefully angered me or is that ignorant, neither of which I want to be with.
The friend (mom of this guy) calls and asks if there are any issues because the guy insists we had a great first meeting and he can’t understand why I didn’t want to meet him. My mom told me to tell her why directly and I did because I felt pretty insulted. She was horrified and apologized profusely.
According to her, she has set her son up with a few friends’ daughters (so his insistence he’s never tried getting in a relationship is a lie) as they all said no and then the friends ended their friendship, and she has no idea why. She thanked me for telling her, so she can stop setting him up because according to her he wants her to help him find someone but then it’s causing her to lose friends.
The next day, the guy calls me with a different number (since I blocked his number) to yell at me that I told his mom what he said and that I shouldn’t include our parents in our private matters. I hung up before he could go further because I had enough of him. AITJ here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Why is the racist upset that he was called out for being a racist? What’s the point of hiding it from family, but will question any female that he may develop a relationship with about what race they’ve previously dated? You answered his mom honestly, she was appreciative of you, horrified at her son’s actions, and she cut off his active supply of women to interrogate and offend.
I feel bad that none of the other friends ever said anything to her, but maybe they thought her beliefs were the same as her son’s.” FluffyAvocado2054
Another User Comments:
“Obviously NTJ. I wonder why his mum keeps trying to set up her friends’ daughters with him, though. After losing a couple of friends it’s odd that she wouldn’t have made the connection that he’s the link.
So maybe she’s in denial about her precious boy. But her inability to see him for what he is is nothing to do with you. I suspect he blames all his dates and his mother for his romance woes, and instead of taking a good look at himself and admitting it’s his own crappy attitude that’s holding him back, he had a go at you instead, which was completely uncalled for.
You certainly dodged a bullet with that one.” Fearless-Golf-8496
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I always wonder why people will purposely go around being blocked to scream about how they have been wronged. Are people this stupid? Do they not understand their actions have consequences? Did the poor baby get upset his bad behavior got back to his mommy?
You dodged a bullet. Good for you for being honest to your mom and to his about his disgusting behavior.” Ok-Director-981
10. AITJ For Smearing Cake On My Cousin's Face At My Birthday Party?
“I (21f) just had my 21st birthday a few days ago! Since this is a big stepping stone, my family decided to have a big party to celebrate “the newest adult” in the family as they put it. The party had almost all my family there, including my cousin “Ana” who is 23.
Ana and I have never had the best of relationships, it’s always been very tense between us, even as kids!
It felt as if Ana saw me as competition and wanted all the attention on her, for example, when we were little girls, our grandma made us both these gorgeous dresses for spring, mine had these tiny pink flowers on it and hers had orange ones; next thing you know, she started to throw a fit because she wanted the pink ones and soon ended up tossing mud on my little dress (thankfully my mom washed it off and it was good as new).
So back to the birthday!
It was around 10 PM when my mom and dad brought the cake out, and everyone began to sing happy birthday to me, it was truly a sweet moment seeing everyone celebrate this big occasion for me, all but Ana. She couldn’t stand the fact that I was being the center of attention, so when I blew the candles out, she walked behind me to try and push my face into the cake!
I don’t know how, but I managed to dodge the oncoming cake, and it ended up flying right into her face! Everyone found it funny but her; she cleaned her eyes and soon let out a high-pitched scream before running towards the bathroom.
Here’s where I might be the jerk.
My aunt soon came to me and yelled at me for smearing her face with my cake, saying, “It’s a tradition to have the celebrated person be dunked into the cake.” I told her it was not my problem because her daughter was being a jerk like always.
Once her face was washed, they left and said I was being a brat.
So am I?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She was totally doing it to be a jerk I’m also from Latin America, and we do have that tradition, however, in my family and group of friends, we respect each other in regards to that, but what we have allowed in for someone to slightly dip their finger and then smear your cheek or your nose (easy to clean).
Especially with big celebrations where the birthday person has dressed up/makeup, etc.” MarceRoma
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I don’t care if people have done it for a long time. Not only is it a waste of good cake; it’s also a salt. Your cousin aggressively went after you because she was jealous of attention.
Her mother then tried to bring attention back on her before they left. It sounds like the apple didn’t fall from the tree.” JCBashBash
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I wouldn’t call it a tradition, that makes it sound like something acceptable. It’s more like a stupid prank that too many people think is funny. Besides why should anyone except you decide what ‘tradition’ you want at your birthday party?” disruptionisbliss
9. AITJ For Taking Out My Son's Friend While Excluding Him And His Partner?
“My husband (34m) and I (34f) have 6 kids, including a 13-year-old son. Our son is usually a well-behaved and sweet kid. He also has a partner (13m). They’ve been together for 2 years and have a great relationship. My son’s partner is also normally a good kid.
My son recently brought home a 3rd boy, who he said was working on a group project with them for school. About a week ago, I asked my son about the project, and he said it was for history class, I told him my brother/his uncle (29m) could look it over to check it for accuracy.
He just ignored that suggestion, which I didn’t think of much at the time. A day later, the boys come over again, and while the boys were having lunch, I go into my son’s room to get the vacuum. I saw an open notebook with the project. It was a creative writing assignment.
The boys had chosen to make it a journal about a boy who wanted to be an athlete during the time period they were learning about. My son and his partner hate sports, so I was a bit interested in why they chose this. The boy they were hanging out with had a baseball jersey on.
I started talking with the boys during lunch and asked the boy a few questions, and he made it very clear he’s into sports and an athlete.
After all of this, I suspect my son and his partner aren’t putting any effort into the project, so I made a plan with my brother for him to come over and quiz the boys for the unit.
He gave them quizzes based on the material I found in the notebook. My son and his partner failed miserably, while the other boy got everything right. After my brother was done grading the papers, I told them I wanted to talk about the results, and you could see my son and his partner then bright red. They admitted they didn’t contribute anything to the project.
In my house, we have a rewards system with points and various prizes at certain point levels. One of them is a day out with Mom or Dad, which can include shopping, going to the beach, and more. My son had planned to go this weekend, but I told him I was taking his new friend instead and that he had to wait until next weekend after he and his partner had contributed to the project.
My brother stayed with them while I took the boy out. We went to some sporting goods stores, antique stores, got lunch, etc.
After the boy left, my son got really mad at me claiming what I did was embarrassing. He said that I shouldn’t be able to move the date of something I had promised, and now he couldn’t trust me anymore.
He also said a classmate saw me with the boy and asked him what happened, and he had to tell him he was in trouble. He’s been making me feel bad about it. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ on so many levels. Your reward system is just wrong— your child should not have to buy your affection.
It’s no wonder that he possibly (possibly because as another commenter brought up, the other kid may have chosen the specific subject instead) schemed when he literally has to buy your affection. Holy crap. If you want to teach him to not scheme, give him normal, fair discipline. Figure out why he’s doing so in the first place.
Of course, that’s not even going into what you did as “punishment.” What you did was INSANELY CREEPY, even if those were not your intentions. That boy is 13. You are normalizing adults he doesn’t even really know taking him out to places, that is setting him up for danger. Did you even ask his parents for permission?
Why weren’t they involved? And even if your form of punishment wasn’t so wrong and creepy, you shouldn’t involve other children in the matters of disciplining your son.” responseableman
Another User Comments:
“NTJ: you earn your consequences like you earn your rewards. Following through on consequences is important when dealing with lazy kids.
Did your son really believe he could do no work on a class project and still get a reward? What would that have taught him? He can gaslight you all he wants, but don’t lose sight of reality; he earned that consequence. And you didn’t take it fully away. You simply made him wait.
Your day with the other boy is essentially thanking him for him doing the whole project that your son will still benefit from. The next time your son tries to guilt you about it, remind him, if you would have done your part in the project, none of that would have followed, you made decisions and faced consequences.
Remember this and make better decisions next time, then leave it at that.” Kindly_Fig6609
Another User Comments:
“I’m gonna be the odd person here and say ESH.
Your son is the typical kid that we all hated during group projects. That is he has his name on the project and did not participate or contribute anything and just made everyone else do the work.
How many more times did he do this to his other group projects? Now for whatever reason your son is mad at you for something he knows he did wrong.
But then it’s odd that you rewarded a strange boy you hardly knew. Did you speak to his parents and have their permission to take him out?” Mina_Harker22
8. AITJ For Not Liking The Engagement Ring My Fiance Picked Out?
“About 10 months ago my fiancé (26M) who I (25F) love proposed to me with a surprise ring.
We’ve been seeing each other for 6 years (since we were 19).
I had not seen the ring but had known that he bought it. Before he brought the ring, I had sent multiple links to rings I liked so that he knew what I like but what still able to surprise me the day of.
We were moving in together in July 2021, and I wanted to be engaged before we move in together. Needless to say, that did not happen. In May 2021, he bought the ring due to the stress of needing a ring to propose to me with ( I had expressed that I wanted to be engaged before living together, but he waited until May 2021 when I gave him the ultimatum) and bought a ring that he thought was unique enough.
The problem is, its nothing close to the style that I was looking for (flower style vs three stone or solitaire). Now, I love my ring because he gave it to me, but I don’t care for the style of ring it is. This ring was cheaper, but now that we are in a better financial position and are expecting to get married in fall 2023, he has offered to buy me a new engagement ring or to help me create a stacked style as he knows the style of ring and stacked style is not what I was interested in.
I know he is more than I deserve, but I cant help but feel jealous ever time I see a friend get engaged with the ring style I know they are in love with (even if it is not what I had chosen).
AITJ for accepting an engagement ring (and wedding bands) I am not in love with because he picked it out for me or WIBTJ if I asked for a new ring that fits the style I wanted?”
Another User Comments:
“Sorry but kindly, YTJ. In my opinion, anyone that takes the marriage, which is the union of 2 people that want to spend their life together, and boils it down to rings and wedding days are jerks and materialistic details, are jerks. This is not what marriage is about.
You love this man, you want to spend your life with him, and you’ll wear this ring for one more year only before it is switched with your wedding band.
He chose it for you, it should mean something.” MaybeAWalrus
Another User Comments:
“Going against the grain here with NTJ.
People are upset about the ultimatum, but I think it’s fair for her to say after 6 years she either wants this know if they’re getting married or not. She clearly wanted to and if he didn’t that would be a deal breaker, again, fair.
She had also let him know ahead of time that she’s like to be engaged when they moved in together and that didn’t happen either. He was given the information that she wanted to become engaged or would potentially be looking to end things. He rushed into picking a ring that she doesn’t like.
She will be wearing it for the rest of her life and is allowed to feel kind of…let down. It makes me think he didn’t spend a lot of time or give consideration to her or what she likes when picking the ring. OP, I don’t think you’d be the jerk to pick a new ring.
Also, he offered that as an option, so why not take him up on it?” Housing99
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He sounds like the kind of person who just doesn’t get hints. When you were sending him pictures of rings, did you ever come right out and tell him “This is the kind of ring I like”?
Or was it more like “Here’s a nice ring”?
I have one of those husbands myself. We chose our rings together, but in the 50 years since, I have learned to be very specific about what I want and why I want X instead of Y. Not “I’d like a bread machine,” but “I’d like THIS bread machine because it has good reviews and a display I can read easily.”” TheFilthyDIL
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I think it’s completely fair to want an engagement ring/wedding ring that you’ll love because you’ll hopefully be wearing it for the rest of your life. That being said, the amount spent on the ring shouldn’t mean anything (only because you mentioned the price), and the fact you required engagement before allowing him to live with you is a little… iffy.
Forcing an ultimatum like that is pretty eh…
Personally, I’d want to live with someone for a while before getting engaged, know what it’s going to be like. Living with someone is VERY different than just being in a relationship with them. So in my opinion, what you did as a whole is questionable, but NTJ for wanting a type of ring.” 20LettersInAlphabet
7. AITJ For Telling My Dad That My Adopted Son Isn't His Grandchild?
“I (33F) adopted my son Matt (7M, almost 8) two years ago. He remembers being in the system and having a “previous mom” before me. I love him with my whole heart and so does my partner Kyle (34M) My partner comes from an adopted family and we think it doesn’t matter if our child is blood-related to us or not, he is ours and we are a family no matter what.
Yesterday I went to visit my parents and took Matt with me since Kyle had a business trip. My dad always wanted a grandchild, but I always knew he had some opinions on adoption, anyway, when we told him we were going to adopt Matt, he told us he was happy for us.
When we got there, Matt went running to hug his grandparents and I saw that they were babysitting Amy (8F).
After we have dinner, they went to play outside in the backyard with some huge Legos she had brought.
I asked if Amy’s parents were okay because my parents don’t usually babysit her. My mom said they were getting a divorce and both were fighting for custody, so Amy’s dad (Bill) asked them if they could watch her for a few hours while they were in court, then my dad went on saying that he thought it was pointless to fight for custody because it was obvious that Amy’s custody should go to her mom.
I asked why, since every time I go to my parents’ town, I mostly see Amy with her dad and have only met her mom twice. He said that it was because Amy is her daughter, not his, I was confused and when he saw that, he said that they discovered Amy’s dad had adopted her legally when she was a baby since her biological dad was never in the picture.
Honestly, that hurt me a bit but I didn’t say anything about it. I told my dad that Amy is Bill’s daughter too, he’s the only dad she has known, and as far as I know, he has been raising her since she was born, to the point no one in the neighborhood knew he wasn’t her bio dad.
My dad just said “She’s not his daughter, it’s a little person he adopted, he signed a paper that says she’s his, nothing more. She isn’t his daughter, he can’t love her as a real one”
No one realized Matt was standing at the kitchen door and he asked me if that meant I couldn’t love him as a son.
I could see tears forming in his eyes and told him that wasn’t true and that if he had any questions, we could discuss them in the car, told him to say goodbye to everyone, and went to get him in the car. I came back furious and my dad said he didn’t know his grandson was listening, I told him, “You don’t have a grandson, I haven’t been pregnant, and you signed no paper that says you have one.” He seemed shocked but didn’t say anything and I left.
On our way home, Matt was crying but didn’t want to speak to me. We talked a little bit before he went to sleep, but I know he’s hurt. I told Kyle what had happened when he got home and is furious too, but my mom is calling me the jerk because my dad “obviously” doesn’t think the same about my family.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Well done on highlighting your dad’s cognitive dissonance though. He was probably unaware of the double standard he had.
I wanted to pass on a parenting tip though.
When talking to your son about this, acknowledge what your dad said is horrid… DON’T try to explain, justify or excuse it.
It is inexcusable, the same way that racism, xenophobia, and misogyny are all unacceptable.
Acknowledge that it is a horrible thing that some people think. And you are really disappointed, hurt, let down by your da’s words. You can acknowledge your feelings to a child without emotionally unloading them onto a child.
Use this as a learning moment.
As an example to children of what the world can be like. The world has a lot of w*****s & idiots in it unfortunately & we all come across them.” Calm_Investment
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your father’s ingrained biases were revealed in a way that deeply hurt your son…someone your dad claims to love.
You and Kyle may want to consult with a child therapist to discuss ways to address the insecurity that Matt feels now.
Use this incident as a moment to get your dad to a better place. Ask him out to breakfast (away from your mom) and talk about what happened. Tell him that you and Matt both thought he loved him and were shocked to hear that it’s not “real” love.
He’ll probably argue that it’s not the same, blah, blah, blah. Stay calm and tell him that actually, it is the same, that after hearing him, Matt is genuinely hurt to learn how his grandpa really feels and is even doubting your love for him.
Tell him he should do some reflection about where his bias against adoption has taken him and that he has do do some hard thinking about how to apologize and explain himself to Matt in an authentic way.
Then leave it with him. Do not discuss it with your mom at all, she’s been enabling his biases all this time and excusing things with the “but it’s different with you”. Don’t let her deflect you from getting your father on the right track.” AdmirableJudgement
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I was adopted when I was a baby.
So I really don’t understand this needing the be b***d ties to have a family. Especially since I know there are tons of people out there, who don’t like their family and/or have a friend who they claim as a family member. If you can claim a friend as a family member and love that person as a sibling, why can’t you claim a child as a family member?
I’ve had this discussion a ton in my life since I’ve always been freely open about being adopted, as well that since I look absolutely nothing like my family and I stick out.
I’ve had multiple men break up with me because I do not want to give birth to my child, I want to adopt.
I know there are many kids in need of a home, and my adoption was very positive and I love my family and am still close to them, and I would like to pass that on to a child in need of a family. Men claim that need a b***d child. I don’t understand it.
Do you think that your DNA genes are so superior you need to pass it on? You can have the children you adopt to have your last name.
If you can love a friend enough to claim them as family members, or many people have close family friends that they call aunt or uncle who doesn’t have b***d ties to you.
I love my nieces and nephews because of the time and effort I put into raising them. I love them because of their personality as people. I don’t love them because of some cells in their body that do or do not claim them as being similar to me.
People have no hesitation when claiming people should be free to love whomever they want whenever they want and all this grand speech when it comes to romantic love.
If you can love your romantic partner so much and sacrifice and compromise with that person who (hopefully) doesn’t have a b***d relationship with you, then why can’t you love a child? and why can’t you have a family love for that child like that?
It just doesn’t make sense to me how people are like this.
And it probably never will make any sense to me.” Koiria
6. AITJ For Spending My Fiance's Savings Without His Permission?
“My fiancé and I have a joint account we use for rent, utilities, health expenses, etc. A percentage of our income goes into it and then we have our individual accounts. This spring I might have been bit by a tick. I was hiking in the New York area, and I think I got bit there.
I’m not sure I got bit I didn’t see the tick but I had the characteristic rash that comes from getting bitten.
Then in the last few months, I’ve been having lots of fatigue, headache, and body aches (it’s not what you think) for the last 4 months. I kept testing negative with the at-home antigen test and I wasn’t around sick people.
But I remembered the rash and other symptoms and everything seemed to line up. I went to the doctor, and he suggested testing for Lyme but that’s very expensive so he prescribed me antibiotics in hopes of killing Lyme if it was present. I took the antibiotic and it didn’t get better. So I wanted to take a full b***d test as well as testing for Lyme.
Testing for Lyme is very expensive and difficult because the disease can only be detected at certain points and not others. There can be false positives and it’s hard to detect. I was quoted $900 for all the tests which my insurance wouldn’t cover because I’m not at my deductible. My fiancé didn’t want to use the pooled savings, despite us agreeing that health issues would be one of the things we jointly covered. He also used $300 for teeth cleaning and a filling last year.
He was against it saying the chances I had Lyme was too low to waste so much resources, but I wanted to be sure and I felt like if it was Lyme I would regret not spending the savings because it could affect the heart and other organs. I used some of the savings in the joint account and my fiancé was livid and demanded I put back the funds.
I got the results and everything is negative which is nice not to have Lyme (probably) but I’m back to square one. My fiancé is angry I spent $900 on b***d tests and wants me to pay that amount back because “b***ds tests isn’t part of health care spending.” He thinks I stole from him because he didn’t agree to let the savings from the joint account be used for the b***d test.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Lyme can damage your organs. It’s important to know that you do NOT have it. If he’s that cavalier about this, is he going to insist you don’t need another ultrasound because the first one was fine? That an MRI is an extra expense you don’t need because you don’t have a full set of concussion symptoms?
Maybe just tell you to get a heating pad for cramps so bad you are crying, onto to find out you have a ruptured cyst, and insisting you don’t need to go to the ER? God Forbid you have a “female” heart attack and he not think it’s likely enough to take you in. I had a stroke at FORTY while in pretty darn decent overall health.
It happens. Can you trust him to take your health seriously? You may have had a disease that needs to be treated and you had plenty of the symptoms. YOUR DOCTOR THOUGHT IT LIKELY ENOUGH THAT HE PRESCRIBED ANTIBIOTICS. Done deal, right there. You took care of a medical need, he wanted to just ignore it.
Probably because he couldn’t “see” the issue so it wasn’t important. I would have major second thoughts here about continuing with him. In sickness and in health may only refer to HIS wellbeing.” maroongrad
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I have Chronic Lyme, and it took two years to get a full diagnosis (1 year to diagnose that I had Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever, and an additional year to determine if I had chronic Lyme ).
I remember the feeling of utter helplessness before my diagnosis like my body was against me. Your fiancé should be understanding and genuinely shouldn’t have even considered saying no. From that perspective, he SUCKS and honestly I would consider if I really want to be in a relationship with him.
All of that said, I’ll add two things-
A full tick panel should not cost $900. I’m assuming you’re based in the US, and man, our healthcare is screwed.
If the savings has historically been completely even, and he’s only ever spent that $300 for his teeth cleaning in his own health, then I would offer to pay back his only $600 of the $900.” otterlyeeg
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I have an autoimmune condition that causes similar symptoms to Lyme Disease, and my mother has Lyme Disease as well. It’s a terrible thing to live with and can only go dormant, not be cure iirc. It’s very important to know and get proper treatment!
When it comes to health, my husband and I throw the budget out the window.
I’d rather be in debt than be alone.
I agree with reevaluating your relationship. $900 isn’t even that expensive for out of pocket for bloodwork in the US, which is where I’m assuming you’re from since we have terrible healthcare here.” Velharthis009
5. AITJ For Not Allowing My Sister To Bring A Plus One To My Wedding?
“My fiancee (29F) and I (33F) are getting married in October. We have been together for 8 years and have told ourselves that we’re waiting to finish school and get finances in order in order to have a great party, but we lost her father in May 2020 due to illness, and after that, we don’t really see a point of waiting to start our family any longer.
Her mother has a heart condition that’s only getting worse, so we’re not waiting around to make the same mistake again. It’s a smallish wedding in Las Vegas with a limited guestlist since, well… that’s what we can afford. This guest list has been carefully curated and includes only our closest family members and friends.
My sister (30F) was in a nasty relationship that spanned 9 years with a horrible woman(34F) and they finally broke up two months ago. Her partner obviously was on the guestlist pretty much because we had to invite her, (not to mention at the time we living in her house). After they broke it off my bride-to-be let my sister know that he will not be getting a plus-one because her ex wasn’t going anymore.
She emphatically agreed and told us it was our day and all she wants is to see us happy.
A month goes by and she starts seeing a new girl (24F). Seems nice, extremely quiet, and super shy. My sister asks if she can bring her as a plus-one. We again let her know she does not get a plus-one, but she insists to bring her for the after-ceremony activities like going to the club the night before and breakfast with the family the day after.
I had to sit her down and tell her it’s not the partner that’s the problem, it’s her. We both wanted her there as herself to have fun and help entertain the rest of the family instead of catering to this new girl who doesn’t know anyone and doesn’t really make an effort to make conversation.
I am all for her moving on and meeting someone, but that’s not what this is about.
August comes and my cousin tells me she got a room with my sister to split the cost. Cool, great news for me because I was a little peeved they waited until now to get a room when I told them the date seven months ago.
Not really mad, if anything just relieved that they got off their butts. She then tells me that my sister asked if our cousin minded that her girl stays in the room with them. Turns out my sister was planning to bring her anyway, after multiple times I begged her not to. My future wife is now furious and wants me to tell her not to come at all if she thinks this is a huge joke and has no regard for our feelings.
Now not only is she just trying to get her way as usual, but she is starting a feud with my Mexican bride who does not forgive OR forget. To be clear, I’m on the same side as my fiancee, I just have a history of being a pushover when it comes to my younger sister.
WIBTJ if I told my sister to come alone or not at all?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It’s okay for the ‘no plus one’ deal, that’s understandable. But your sister can’t even bring her partner into town? Like sister must be alone even in her hotel room in a town she doesn’t know except for family?
She has to ‘entertain the family’ during your wedding? Is your wedding gonna be incredibly boring or does your family consist of solely 3-year-olds? Y’all are gonna be in Vegas, what do you mean your sister is to ‘entertain?’
And then you want your sister to not anger your ‘Mexican bride,’ but you can judge sister’s chick just fine in order to get her to come solo and then you finish off your post with ‘I’m such a pushover and my sister is just acting up to get what she wants.’
I thought this impromptu wedding was to avoid family missing out on a life-changing event, but you’re willing to push your sister away because her girl is ‘shy and quiet’ and shouldn’t even be in the same town during the wedding. You don’t even know if the woman is even going to be ‘snuck’ into the wedding, you’re assuming that (based off your post).
And then you’re gonna police your sister on who can be in a room with her, that’s just unbelievable for a wedding.
If your sister is so easily pushed out of something because of her shy partner, then I really hope your sister doesn’t waste her time and finances to go, or at the very least give her partner a good time in Las Vegas without you and your wife.
You don’t deserve her to come as entertainment or her presence as a sister.” sinful_mint_pie
Another User Comments:
“EHS. So you want your sister to come and entertain the family? That seems like a jerk thing to expect. If someone is invited, they shouldn’t be expected to entertain anyone unless they are in the band.
If it was really a financial issue, did you ask your sister if she could pay for her girl’s portion?
Honestly, I am surprised your sister is coming at all. Being romantically involved with someone who is invited to a wedding can be a relationship make or break…it feels like “am I important enough to be included in this special event.”
You DON’T have to invite anyone you don’t want to your wedding…but a plus 1 is pretty standard and polite. And if your sister wants to travel with her GF and spend time with her that’s her business. Cramming an extra person in the hotel room without asking the cousin however that’s rude.” countrymousecitymous
Another User Comments:
“You’re NTJ for telling her no plus one. I think that’s reasonable for someone she is newly romantically involved with, especially when it’s a small wedding.
But your reasoning for why you don’t want her to have a plus one “to help entertain the rest of the family” is a bit much, to be honest. If you were to say: it’s a small wedding, we have a limited budget, she just started seeing this girl, and we don’t really know her, etc. all valid reasons.
But to not give her a plus one because you want her available to deal with your family and “be herself” is odd at best. A wedding is a celebration you host and the people you invite are your guests. That includes your sister.
I’d also say it’s not a huge deal for her to come to things you’re not paying for.
Not sure if that includes the club or breakfast that you mentioned.” nnv321
4. AITJ For Making Fun Of My Vegan Friend?
“I (47f) and my friend, Jenny, (52f) were at an American restaurant throwing a mutual friend a birthday party with 6 other women.
Jenny was scrutinizing the menu for vegan options (Jenny picked this restaurant because it was the birthday girl’s favorite) and commenting that she couldn’t find anything to eat. I felt like she had mentioned too many times that she was a vegan and she couldn’t find anything to eat on the menu (I’m a nutritionist, so I was helping her) and to the waiter, who tried to help her navigate substitutions.
She made another comment about there not being enough options to accommodate her (she is not a Vegan because of a health issue, she became Vegan a year ago). I was getting uncomfortable about her negativity because I felt it was putting a cloud over the party and taking the light off our friend on her birthday so I said, with my hand on her shoulder, “so, how do you know when someone’s a vegan?
They tell you!” the whole table laughed and it broke the mild tension (which I could have imagined) but I could tell she was offended. I waited until she went to the bathroom and I followed her and asked her if that was too much, and I apologized if I had overstepped a line and that I was just teasing her.
She laughed and said that I had not offended her at all and she had a really thick skin. I was relieved and told her to always let me know if I ever said anything offensive, as I’d be mortified. I brought this up as I am not American and sometimes my humor is taken as offensive, and I’m very sensitive to it.
Flash forward a few months, we are with another group, different ladies and we all know each other a lot better than the last group. We were talking about diets and one asked me if I could coach a keto or paleo diet and I answered: “yes, absolutely, the only thing I won’t coach is vegetarian or vegan”.
I didn’t think anything of it, I had meant that I am not qualified to coach vegetarians or vegans because I don’t have the education to navigate the supplements, etc. I didn’t get a vibe that I had said anything wrong, the evening went along as normal, and we all had fun.
A couple of months later, I noticed Jenny was excluding me from get-togethers (she’s the ring leader and organizer of these two groups) so I asked her if anything was wrong.
She said no and had lame excuses over the next few weeks as to why I was suddenly excluded. I pressed her again the next time I saw her and she again said nothing but that night I got a text. “First, you hate vegans. Was that a joke? You refuse to work with them categorically because they don’t eat freaking anything.”
I didn’t say that AT ALL – nor is that my belief – I am just not qualified and I eat a lot of meat – but that’s immaterial if that’s how she took what I said and she’s offended. I think I should have followed my gut the first time and never mentioned anything about it again, but I did ask her several times and gave her the opportunity to tell me she was offended and why.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Jenny is the ring leader, but Jenny doesn’t force everyone to follow her life choices. She doesn’t only make plans to go to vegan places, but neither is she preaching the pros of veganism.
She was trying to figure out what to eat when you passed an unnecessary remark. Thankfully she ignored it.
The other friend asked for paleo or keto, you didn’t have to add the vegan/vegetarian remark seeing how nobody asked.
Make sure you learn from your mistakes else you’ll be banned from the next group of friends that you may find. Also, just a heads up, if you dish it make sure you can take it, cause not everyone will take it sitting down like Jenny.” Greedy_Information96
Another User Comments:
“ESH – I’ve been a vegetarian for my whole life, so I think I have some solid input here.
Jenny was annoying for sure. I usually google the menu preemptively if at all possible to make sure I can eat something there, and Jenny also told you it was fine when it very much wasn’t fine with her.
That’s crappy communication on her end, which also makes her the jerk.
But you’re the jerk too. You didn’t know her like that and still decided to poke fun at her. The second comment, “I don’t work with vegans,” needed clarification too. I fully see how Jenny came to the conclusion that you hate vegans.
In her shoes, I would’ve probably not wanted to hang out with you either. And honestly, I’m not so sure you would have wanted to be around her either. I think it’s for the best that y’all stay apart if possible.” dietpeachysoda
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. My friends and I love roasting each other over stuff like this.
But there are times where one topic we joke about hurts someone’s feelings so LIKE ADULTS we just say ‘hey guys, that is a sensitive topic for me.’ We apologize and move on. I personally understand why people are vegan and have reduced my meat intake to only a few times a week and only locally sourced. Factory farming is disgusting, unsanitary, destroying the environment, putting lower-income residents at risk of disease and infection, and it involves a TON of torture of animals.
Video footage from those places is appalling. This is why most people are vegan. I actually was for a while (but I just couldn’t keep up with it because I’ve got serious issues with my iron excluding red meat was too difficult). I was very preachy about it till my husband nicely took me aside and informed me how off-putting it is.
Yes, it’s admirable to care for animals to that extent, but at the end of the day constantly mentioning it and whining about a lack of vegan options just ticks people off and makes them less open to considering going vegan or reducing their meat intake. You weren’t wrong here. If she had an issue with you she could have just talked to you and cleared it up.
It also sounds like she’s in that preachy phase and that’s rough. I’m sorry OP!” Reddit user
3. AITJ For Getting Mad At My Fiancee For Not Bonding With My Mom?
Sometimes your partner doesn’t get along as well with your family as you had hoped, and that’s okay.
“My fiancee is very shy and sometimes awkward around people she doesn’t know, and while I’m understanding of how she feels, I feel as though she may have crossed the line this time. We’re currently visiting my parents that live in a different state than we do, and my parents have been very hospitable towards us: paid for both our dinners when going out, made and grilled food for us, and my mom even gifted my fiancee a Tory Burch handbag that was practically new that she didn’t use.
My mom recognizes that she’s shy, but I was hoping that both parties would make an effort to bond given that we are engaged and we are now becoming closer as a family. My mom has been very nice to her and accommodating, but my fiancee just doesn’t reciprocate.
My fiancee is shy and very indecisive.
She’s been having trouble finding a dress, going to 10-15 stores, and still can’t pinpoint her style of dress, even after posting and asking her friends. My mom has offered her advice, and today they were both off. I thought this would be a great opportunity for them to bond a bit, looking at dresses and my mom could maybe help her even if it’s only browsing.
My mom liked the idea and I even suggested to her that since my mom is also off, why not try to go together?
So what does my fiancee do?
She leaves abruptly, taking our rental car without even giving me a chance to ask my mom. I texted her why she didn’t consider bringing my mom, and she said it was too awkward and she didn’t want to bother her.
I told her ok, but my mom mentioned she’d love to go, maybe she could help you out? She denies it, saying that I don’t spend time with her parents one on one and why should she. She then tells me she’s just going to ‘explore around the area instead,’ and then switches off her location randomly.
I checked it again at a certain point bc I was worried, and then it shows a previous stop at a bridal shop and zero contact for an hour or more from her. I started getting upset at her and thought she was being rude but she denies it saying she did nothing wrong and casually just brushes it off.
I understand that it may make her feel uncomfortable, but it also hurt my mom a bit since she was trying to make her feel at home at my parents’ house. My dad was also being very nice, and it just to me, shows that she doesn’t really care and I personally think it was really rude considering I’m always engaged when talking to her family.
Idk if it’s social awkwardness, but I just want her to try to bond with my mom. It just seems to me like she isn’t caring and just wants to do what she wants to do.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I have exactly the same problem as your fiancée. I have really bad social anxiety and it takes me forever to warm up to people.
I’ve been married for 3 years and still haven’t quite warmed up to my in-laws. You shouldn’t take it personally and neither should your parents. She’s working on it, it’ll just take a while. Pushing it is only going to make it worse. Let her get comfortable at her own pace with gentle encouragement.
She doesn’t know your mom very well, and especially since she has a hard time finding a dress she likes she probably felt it would’ve been super awkward to bring your mom. It’s a lot of pressure to find clothing you like when someone is with you because you’re worried about wasting their time and turning down their suggestions.
She probably feels it’s better for your mom to not go with her because she won’t have to deal with her indecisiveness. I’d feel that way even if it was my own mom who wanted to go with me. I take forever to decide, I don’t want to put someone through that.
So yeah, don’t be offended, and don’t push. Just be patient. If you want them to spend time together, offer to go with them too. It’ll help her feel more comfortable because she’ll have someone she knows there.” Super_Caustic_Owl
Another User Comments:
“The root issue I see here is that you think your fiancée should bond with your mom.
The gift, the dress shopping, your relationship with her family, etc. Those are secondary or immaterial. It sounds like what you labeled as “awkward around people she doesn’t know” is more likely some level of social anxiety. This, I’ll give, is important, but mainly to specifics of how you went overboard. So, why do you think your fiancée and mom need to have a close relationship?
Because mom wants it? Because you want it? Does she want it? From reading this, it’s pretty hard to tell whether she wants it or not. I’m not even positive whether you know her feelings on that.
A more basic question. Do your fiancée and mom need a close relationship? Here the answer is no, they do not.
It’s nice, but not needed. Really they just need to be polite to each other and not create drama in your respective relationships with them. Anything closer than that is a bonus. And that’s independent of how close or far you live from them geographically. At the moment, the drama I see is being created by you and, to a lesser extent, mom.
And that leads us to how y’all went overboard here.
That gift. Was it nice of mom? Sure. Did it make your fiancée uncomfortable? Quite possibly. Particularly if Mom was expecting an exciting response and displayed disappointment if she didn’t get what she expected.
An extrovert would have displayed excitement. An introvert without anxiety might too, but in a more subtle way.
Add anxiety, and now you have someone who can’t be excited because they’re too busy thinking “I didn’t get anything for her, oh gosh she’s going to think I’m rude, I don’t know what she likes does she like… or what about… wait why are they all staring at me, do I have kale in my teeth…” So focused on thinking about what the right thing to do is that they can’t just…
respond. Awkward.
It does not matter that your mom thought it was a nice gesture. To someone with social anxiety, that nice gesture can instantly become a terrible burden.
Then there’s the dress shopping. You didn’t ask your fiancée first privately and listen to her. Which would be the right thing to do at this point in your relationship?
No, it appears you either asked mom first or brought it up to both together. Of course, she demurred, left then texted that it was too awkward. Because it was.
She’s already anxious about the dress. She’s already had your mom give advice online. And who knows how she felt about that. Now to have to shop with her and potentially feel like she has to follow the advice she might not be enthused about from someone she’s not yet comfortable with?
Ugh. More awkward
And what happens the first time your mom loves a dress and she doesn’t? Can you imagine the pressure she might face, torn between saying “I don’t like it” and disappointing your mom or taking a dress she doesn’t like because “MiL loved it and I don’t want to hurt her feelings … again.” And it doesn’t matter if your mom would be ok hearing your fiancée doesn’t love a dress that she does.
Your fiancée could still be that torn up over it. Because she barely knows her, isn’t really comfortable with her but probably doesn’t want to disappoint her… and by extension you. Totally awkward.
Escaping was her best option. btw, yes, her driving around probably was an escape. It would just be one she’d planned before the dress shopping came up.
An escape to get away from all y’all for some time by herself. Which, as an introvert, she undoubtedly needed, especially if you and your parents are all extroverts.
As for the comparative pace of your relationships with each other’s parents… Comparing them is not fair. Your fiancée is not you. Your parents and her parents are not the same.
The comparative relationships will not progress at the same rate. Nor will they end up in the same place.
So yes, YTJ.
You want to help things? Back off. Let her develop the relationship at her pace. Mom should back off too. And if she finds it disappointing, that’s her problem, not yours. And defintely not your fiancée’s.
And yes, please get pre-marital counseling. While you’re doing so get the therapist to spend some time helping you to understand the mind of someone with social anxiety. It might help you to learn how to support her well.
Oh, and if we’re all sounding condescending, it’s probably because we can put ourselves into the mind of people with social anxiety to envision why your fiancée was reacting as she was.
Which, it is pretty clear, you’ve got a ways to go on.” hard_tyrant_dinosaur
Another User Comments
“NTJ based on the information provided.
This is one of those situations where ethics and good manners are two different things. Sure your girl is not ‘obligated’ to bond with your mother. And maybe not ‘obligated’ to say when she leaves and where she goes either.
But she’s a guest, and what’s the point of visiting your family if not to bond with them?
And it is also incredibly rude to take the car and leave without saying anything to her hosts/family. She could have politely declined taking your mom with her. If she’s too shy to say no to your mother, surely she could say it to you and have you tell your mom.
If you are getting married she must be at least somewhat comfortable saying ‘no’ to you… I hope anyway.
I am awkward and introverted and sometimes I have been a rude guest or rude daughter-in-law. So I am not judging her and implying she is a bad person for this. She’s probably a good person – who acted in an impolite way.” Frost_Goldfish
It takes a while to warm up to people I don't know, and if I have to talk to someone I don't know, I have a very hard time maintaining eye contact.
I'm sure plenty of people through the years have thought I was being rude or intentionally snubbing them, but I wasn't.
I'm just not able to socialize like a normal person.
I understand OP wants his fiance to have a good relationship with his parents, but he can't force it on her.
He needs to back off and give her space, and maybe explain to his mom that her behavior isn't anything personal, and that she means no Ill will.
2. AITJ For Not Wanting My Mother To Get Married On My Birthday?
Does her mother really think this is okay?
“I (21F) had lived with my mom (52F) and my stepdad (51M) ever since i was 7, he’s a great guy to both of us, and my mom is really happy with him, so after almost 15 years of living together, they’ve finally decided to get married.
So, today they were talking about the date of the wedding, and my stepdad says he has a date planned, and my mom was very excited, and so was i (they include me because they want me to testify for them), he told us to write the date as a guessing game, he says he wants to get married in x/y/z date, I said it would be cool if they married in x/y/z date, and finally, my mom says she would love to get married on the day of my birthday.
I have no idea what came over me, but I say that absolutely no, I don’t want them to get married on my birthday. Since we were in a relaxed mood, i told them firmly that I really don’t like the idea of them getting married on my birthday, both my parents stay silent, then my mom looks at me, heartbroken, saying that how could I be so selfish, and it really hurts what I said.
And the worst thing is that she’s right, the day of my birth means so much to her and it could still be the happiest day of her life for a second time, I understand that it would mean everything for her, but still…I don’t want them to get married on my birthday, and I know it’s incredibly selfish, but I can’t pretend to be happy if they actually get married on that day, like it’s wonderful that after all this time they’re actually getting married…but still, it’s my birthday after all…and it’s not like i don’t care if it makes them sad, i’m not indifferent to their feelings, of course I care; they’re my parents after all, and it breaks my heart knowing that she thinks I’m selfish, but I can’t help it.
Any other day would be wonderful, it could be literally a day after if they want, just not on my birthday.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Has she considered the long-term ramifications of getting married on your birthday? So if the marriage were to end in divorce, you would all remember that on your birthday. And not to be morbid, but you will also likely outlive them both – and she doesn’t think knowing it’s their anniversary on your birthday will be a sad thing to remember?” NUT-me-SHELL
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you’re losing your birthday- the one day in the year that’s yours forever. It will no longer be about you but it’ll be their day to celebrate their anniversary. They both suck for even suggesting it let alone trying to emotionally manipulate you into supporting them. There are 365 days in a year and they have to have that one?
Selfishhhhhh.
What happens if they separate, your birthday will go from being a birthday/anniversary to a dark day for her. You’ll always be reminded of that. DO NOT AGREE.” a-_rose
Another User Comments:
“Why does the day of your birth mean so much to her that it is a good beacon date for her anniversary with someone that wasn’t even involved in your birth?
Like if the sole reason is because of you that is hecka weird on her part. But if it’s a day with additional meaning then it depends.
My aunt celebrated her 4th birthday at my parent’s wedding. It’s just a fun bond they now have.
My wedding was the day before my sister’s 25th birthday.
I let her have some extra guests and had a special cake/dance for her and there haven’t been any issues since.
An anniversary isn’t really important to anyone but the couple. It being on your 22nd birthday means there’s not really any overlap for if they wanted to do a big party for a significant anniversary vs you having a big party for a significant birthday.
So I think you’re blowing the issue of it being the same day way overboard, but your mom is being really weird to insist on it over the date her partner has already stated he wants. So your defensiveness might be due to more underlining weirdness from your relationship if she tends to use you as an emotional crutch or something.” k9moonmoon
1. AITJ For Invoicing My Dad For Food At A Free Event?
“For background, I (18F) recently graduated from high school and my mom (50F) wanted to host a graduation party. My parents have been divorced since 2020, but it only felt proper for me to invite my dad. He recently remarried to a woman my siblings and I barely know, but I felt the proper thing to do was extend an invitation to his wife as well, so I didn’t appear as a jerk.
The party was at an upscale brunch place in my city and cost my mother a total of $2,000 to host and feed all of the guests (just around 25). My dad and his wife showed up and at the time, I did not have my graduation tickets with me for him and his wife. I went out of my way to make sure that his wife had a graduation ticket so there was no excuse for him not to go.
I gave him instructions on how to get them from my mother or sister at the actual graduation, so no issues there.
The brunch itself was a major success. Drinks and food were flowing, everyone seemed to be having a good time. My dad left and I made sure to let him know one last time how to get the tickets.
My brunch was the same day as my graduation so it was a HUGE deal that he knew how to get them.
Flash forward to the graduation. I graduated top 10% of my class and had a full ride to one of the most prestigious schools in the country, so it was a huge deal. I didn’t get to see my family until after, and I began searching for my dad.
It turned out he’d been ignoring my mother and sister’s texts and never showed. I was hurt, to say the least, and it took me a few months to be less bitter.
One last jump to this week. I just now got around to thanking all of my guests for attending and supporting me.
When I got to my dad’s name, something just did not feel right. Aside from all of the things he’d put me through previously, he was not a supportive person of me on that day. My mom put most of the charges on her credit card, and it was mostly paid off, except for food.
I told her to hold off on paying and emailed my father an invoice for his food and his wife’s food. Petty? Yes, but the event was for people who showed love and support, not for people who didn’t show up to my graduation.
Since he and his wife have texted me calling me a jerk for needing to pay for the food.
Most of my family thinks it’s funny, but the more I think the more I realize it’s kind of bad. So AITJ?
EDIT: There seems to be a bit of confusion here, but I live with my mom, so she already had her ticket. My dad lives in another city, so I had to bring those tickets with me.
I forgot them at home as I was setting up to get decorations and the cupcakes, so I never attempted to make it harder for anyone to get in.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The brunch was part of the graduation festivities and they didn’t attend, didn’t give you a gift, and had no good excuse for missing out on your graduation.
He used you for a free meal and prevented ppl who actually care about you from attending the brunch and your graduation.
But your dad isn’t going to reimburse your mom so she might as well pay her cc bill. Use this as a once and for all lesson. He is a lousy father and will only use you.
Block him & his wife & anyone else who may want to defend him to you. He is and always will be nothing more than a nuisance in your life.
Congratulations on your impressive accomplishments! And you did that without any help from your father so you’ll be fine. Sorry your dad sucks a lot of us lose in the parent raffle so maybe at least that knowledge helps?
lol. Best wishes on your future pursuits.” NonaOrganic
Another User Comments
“ESH.
I think you’re being a little funny here.
Why didn’t you physically hand your Dad the tickets at the Brunch? You said he had to get them from your Mum, but your mom was there at Brunch so why couldn’t you have given them to him right then and there?
Did they not have the tickets on them at Brunch?
It just seems weird that you didn’t show up with the tickets, but gave him specific instructions to get the tickets from your mother later at the graduation when he could have literally got the tickets at the brunch. Unless everyone genuinely forgot to have the tickets on them at Brunch?
Hrmm smells fishy!” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You’re being petty and immature. Yes, your dad not showing up to your graduation party was a jerk move on his part, but he didn’t sign the contract with the restaurant neither did he agree to throwing you an elaborate brunch; that’s all on your mom.
He was a guest, not a host. You can’t expect him to pay for something he never agreed to, after the fact, because your feelings are hurt.” BadBandit1970
