People Look To Us To Help Them Solve Their "Am I The Jerk?" Situations
18. AITJ For Saying That My Stepdad Will Be My Baby's Grandpa?
“My (23f) mum had me with one man and 2 of my other siblings with another. I didn’t know my bio dad and up until I was 5 I thought my sibling’s dad was my dad.
He was a massive piece of work and left when I was 6. As you can imagine knowing 2 fathers abandoned you really messes up a young girl.
When I was 7 my mother started seeing a man, my now stepdad. He was amazing but I couldn’t see that and just thought ‘oh great, another man to let me, mum, and my siblings down.’ Over the years he and I would fight a lot until I was a teen and realized he was the one putting up with all my crap and still loved me and wanted the best for me, a true father.
Now I see him as my real dad. I still don’t call him dad and just by his name but we both understand that’s just a habit and that he is and always will be my real dad.
Recently I found out I’m pregnant. My dad is over the moon and trying to decide what variation of grandpa he wants to be called. We decided on pa since that’s what we call our grandfathers in my family.
I was talking about this with a cousin on my bio dad’s side and she asked why would my kid just call him by his name like I do since he’s only a step-grandpa. I said because he is my child’s grandfather, not step-grandfather. She got all offended and asked, ‘then what does that make your real dad’.
I told her ‘a stranger, even though I haven’t met the jerk’.
Now I have my bio father’s family contacting me on social media to tell me off. I don’t even know most of these people but it’s starting to get to me. Since my bio dad did pass from cancer a few years back they are probably really sensitive about anything to do with him no matter how bad of a person he was.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Anyone with the right reproductive organs can donate sperm. Doing so doesn’t make you a father. Reserving a title for a person who will never and can never be present in your child’s life is an asinine request. The man who raised you and showed you what a good dad is like is your family even if you’re not biologically related, and will likely play an important role in this new child’s life.
Call him what he wants to be called.” Keepcalmandreadon81
Another User Comments:
“Father/Dad is not just a title that you inherit when you have a child. It is a role that is filled by caring for that child, comforting that child, and raising that child.
It is putting time, effort, and love in. This man did this when two others gave up. I’m glad you have someone like this and are willing to think of him as such and present them to your child (congratulations on that) as such.
NTJ
If your bio dad’s family has a problem with this just ask them where they and your bio dad were when you were growing up and could have used one.” thanto13
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The person who does the job gets the title and gets all the benefits/perks when they do the job well.
Either block the family entirely or send them a polite-ish but firm message that you are sorry that they lost someone they loved, but that you never knew him. He never provided for you in any way. Your stepfather stepped up and helped you through the pain of having a father that abandoned you and gave you the love and support you needed to grow into a decent adult.
It is offensive to all of the sacrifices made and love given by your step-father to NOT think of him as your dad. If your father had wanted a daughter, he could have, but he didn’t want one. You are going to honor the man that did.” Corpuscular_Ocelot
17. AITJ For Prohibiting The Members Of My Book Club From Drinking?
“I’m the ‘head’ of a book club for my neighborhood, we’ve been holding meetings and reading books for about 4 years now.
We have historically been a ‘dry’ club. It was never explicitly stated, but we just never really drank. However, six months ago, one of our longstanding members, ‘Alice’ started substance treatment for heavy drinking.
She had been struggling for a while with a public DUI incident, marital struggles, etc. I am absolutely not judging her. Addiction sucks. I am so proud of her for getting help.
We had someone new join, ‘Melissa.’ On her first meeting, she brought some wine with her.
We explained that we don’t drink, and she said ‘fine, more for me!’
Alice ended up leaving early. Once the night was over, I pulled Melissa aside to explain. She at first seemed apologetic, and it was not a big deal, of course, she didn’t know upfront.
But when told about Alice’s sobriety, got defensive and said ‘Huh, sounds like a personal problem.’
She insisted that it was not her fault that Alice is an addict, and that she shouldn’t be expected to coddle her. She said something about what AA says (I don’t remember) and how Alice is responsible for her own recovery.
I told Melissa that in the future if she’d like to join us, she can’t bring booze. Alice has been with our group for years, and we are going to be supportive friends.
She scoffed and said that she was an adult and won’t be told what she can and cannot do.
I said of course not, but that she wouldn’t be welcome back with booze.
So, she really didn’t like that. She called us out on the neighborhood group, saying that we were trying to control grown adults. She made a big deal about how I embarrassed her ‘in front of everyone’ and made her feel like an alien for wanting to just unwind with a bottle of vino. Mind you, I specifically pulled her aside into another room.
Our other members are on board with my decision and tried to stick up for us. Others not so much. A woman at kid pick-up stopped me to tell me that she thinks it’s pathetic that we’re supporting an addict versus an upstanding mom.
She made comments about things Alice had done during her binges.
I am really, really conflicted about this. Am I really in the wrong here?”
Another User Comments:
“Absolutely NTJ. Your club, your rules. You’re not trying to ‘control grown adults’, she’s allowed to drink, just not at your club.
She’s trying to control other grown adults by forcing you to change the rules for her. She’s also extremely inconsiderate towards Alice and unempathetic.
Addicts don’t deserve to be coddled everywhere all day every day. You can’t go to a bar and demand that nobody drinks because you’re there.
You can’t do it at your company’s team building or NY party. Not everywhere is a safe space. But if you’re lucky, your friends and family will be willing to provide spaces for you where you can relax and socialize and unwind without having to deal with either temptations or shame or trauma or whatever else comes up for you.
Melissa isn’t calling you out to expose a moral failure, she’s playing a social game. The woman who came up to you to condemn you for supporting an addict over an upstanding mom is doing it purely out of loyalty to Melissa and contempt for Alice, it has nothing to do with her beliefs and values.
Oh, and another thing. There’s something fishy about Melissa’s reaction. She initially reacted with empathy, right? I wonder what made her change her script suddenly. Was she afraid you all perceived her as a heavy drinker maybe? Was her social media post trying to prevent rumors about her drinking too much or something?
Maybe she even has a drinking problem for her to feel that defensive about it. Or maybe it’s just an obsession with image. Either way, sus.” Mentathiel
Another User Comments:
“You are NTJ. And Alice might not be the only one with a drinking problem.
Melissa’s having a really intense reaction to being asked to forgo drinking for one activity! And requiring ‘a bottle of vino’ to unwind or enjoy book club seems like a lot. I might just point that out to the folks insisting on her apparent social value and purity.
Anyway, the people in the club decide the norms of the club. It sounds like everyone but Melissa is happy for it to be liquor-free. If Melissa doesn’t enjoy the club norms, she is, I presume, entirely free to find another club that better aligns with what she’s looking for.
And busybody gossips who aren’t part of the club have no say in its rules. They can go shout at the sea.” Aealias
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your group, your rules. Newcomer doesn’t have the right to barge in and demand that you change the way you do things to suit her preferences.
I can’t help but notice that, when initially told it was a dry group, she was apologetic and seemed willing to comply, and then did a complete 180 when you told her about Alice. Seems like she either has a bee in her bonnet about addicts in general, or maybe just has a problem with Alice personally, but that’s very fishy to me.
You’re not telling Melissa how to live her life or telling her she can’t or shouldn’t drink; you’re simply telling her that your club is a dry event, and there’s nothing wrong with, or unusual about, dry events.” DorkLordSauron
16. AITJ For Not Liking My Husband's Gifts?
“My (42f) fiancé (45m) and I have been together for 8 years. For the past several Christmases we end up arguing about the gifts he’s got for me. And I end up not getting him the right things either. So to try to avoid that this year I brought up making lists for each other.
He seemed ok with that until I said what I don’t want him to get me – specifically anything purple or any scarves, that was it. He got mad & said I should be grateful for whatever I get & that since I’m ‘poor’ (I’m a stay-at-home mom with very little income) that I should just be happy to get anything at all.
He says I’m spoiled for saying anything & that I ruin Christmas every year. Basically, he thinks he can get me whatever, including a purple scarf & I should just be happy & say thank you & wear it. AITJ for saying what I do or don’t want as gifts for Christmas & telling him to not get me anything if he can’t abide by my wishes?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your husband sucks and might be financially abusing you due to your stay-at-home mom status. (The combined jobs of most stay-at-home moms are WELL higher than the combined caregivers/cleaners/etc so he should feel LUCKY to have you at home.) In my opinion, this would be a situation where you need to really reconsider your relationship and at the lowest level of action, get into couples therapy.)
Regarding the gifts. I used to PRIDE myself on being an amazing gift-giver. But my current partner (together for 2 and 1/2 years) is notorious for seeing something he wants and just buying it. So I had to ask him for a list this year. Outside of smaller things I know he could use, I would never deviate from the list and especially wouldn’t buy something in a color I know he doesn’t want.
This is much bigger than the gifts. Your fiance is showing his disrespect for you and hoping that you’ll just take it and once you’re married will make even bigger transgressions. DO NOT marry him until you do couples therapy. This seems like a small step towards controlling you.
He’s testing it out and once you’re legally bound, he will do this more and more and towards bigger extents.” Raspbers
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, obviously.
You’re a stay-at-home mom and his partner – are you being financially compensated for the housework, childcare, paperwork, emotional support, shopping, organization, healthcare, and maintenance you do?
I guarantee if you tallied up how much he’d have to pay for these amenities (or how much time he’d spend doing them himself) – even the lowest possible total would far exceed your current income, and how much money you control in the household.
OP, all of these things you do are financial contributions to the household – you’re subsidizing the costs of all of these matters with your own labor, time, energy, and love, instead of outsourcing with a salary, and he benefits immeasurably from it.
He’s being really cruel and refusing to acknowledge your work or your feelings.
If he’s so worried about money, why would he insist on buying you a gift he knows you’ll hate, instead of spending the same amount (or less) on a gift you’d actually like?
Why was he happy with giving you a giant list of demands to meet, but angry that you would try and help him choose gifts that are more appropriate for you?
Do you have to pay for his gift from your own income, which he knows is already stressed, or do you share a budget?
You say that he never ‘ends up’ happy with any of your presents and that he always buys you gifts you dislike.
It sounds as if he’s doing this on purpose – causing arguments about something you tried to put effort into and care about, and making you feel guilty for being unhappy.
Even if this is a massive mistake, he’s terrible at communicating, and he needs to value your feelings and happiness more, and work on being less angry – it’s not fair to you.” sunflowerroses
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
We don’t get presents for each other at Christmas as we tend to find and buy things throughout the year. So usually if one of us sees something we like or know the other would like we get it then usually after a discussion to confirm.
As for your fiancé if he thinks you should be grateful for anything he does for you because he works then let him know you are going to get a job so he needs to start paying for childcare. If you are in the US a decent childcare facility or a person to come in and watch your children at your home will eat a chunk of the check.
Or he could start taking care of the children when he comes home so you can get a second or third-shift job which would still allow him to save money.
And you might price having a once-a-week cleaning person come in.” 3Heathens_Mom
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Girl, your standard is literally on the ground for him, it is so attainable, and he still won’t even try until you simplify it more by buying the gift from him to you, for yourself. I don’t know how you could get lower than that, but if he continues to gaslight you, you’ll believe this next.
He is making you believe that you are difficult. That your expectations are too high. That you’re ‘poor’ and should be happy with what you get. Things like this are so insidious and it is hard to see when you are in it. Nah.
No way are you the jerk here. Tell him to take his little incompe-dance to the curb because you’re done with his trashiness. I promise that when you get out, you will look back on this and know you deserved more than a purple scarf.” 5a1amand3r
15. AITJ For "Tricking" Someone Into Eating Vegan Food?
“I (27F) just married my wife (29F) a little over a month ago.
We are both big fans of a local vegan restaurant and have become friends with the owners over the years. I have a lot of digestive issues due to some health problems (they’re a big part of why I went vegan in the first place) so we knew we wanted to ask them to cater our wedding as they have always been so considerate of my restrictions.
The food was a big hit, all fall-themed as the wedding was in early November, so a lot of mushrooms, apples, corn, etc. Since our friends gave us a discount on the catering as a wedding gift, my wife and I were able to invite a lot more relatives than we thought, one of these being her uncle, Mark (not real name).
She’s not super close with Mark, but they get along well enough. About a week ago, I was talking with Mark and his wife, Leah (not real name) who asked me about the catering at the wedding. Apparently, the whole family really liked it, and they were interested in hiring the restaurant for a Christmas party or something.
I gave them the contact info and figured that would be it, but not two days later, my wife got a pretty angry text from her grandmother saying that we ’caused an argument’ between Mark and Leah, because Mark got upset about us ‘tricking him into eating vegan food’ and Leah said it wasn’t a big deal and he should get over it, so they had a fight.
I’m inclined to agree with Leah here, but my wife is upset because her grandmother is upset, and now I’m not sure. I have autism, so normally I would follow my wife’s lead on stuff like this, but I really think Mark and her grandmother are being unfair.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You didn’t ‘trick’ anyone into eating vegan food unless you told your guests they were consuming meat when they actually weren’t and it doesn’t sound like that’s what happened. What did happen is that you, a vegan, served vegan food at your wedding for your guests and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.
Mark’s just annoyed because now he has to admit that he enjoyed vegan food. Leah has the right idea here, he needs to get over it.” anthony___fell
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You were not informed that he had food allergies/intolerances or otherwise was religiously restricted from eating vegetables of any kind.
Had you been made aware you would have told him before coming that your food vendor could not accommodate his diet and you would have had to come up with a plan b.
So really, this is on Mark for not informing you of his food restrictions on all forms of veggies.
He really needs to be on top of his food allergies/ intolerances/religious food restrictions. No one else otherwise is going to know to look out for him, he needs to be so much more proactive and communicate more effectively.” Suelswalker
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
His thinking is beyond weird – being vegan means that food does NOT contain certain ingredients. A person can either like the food or not like the food. For the most part, vegan main courses are vegetarian style absent certain ingredients but there isn’t anything to ‘trick’ somebody into thinking they are eating a prime rib or roast chicken.
I guess vegan cakes could be called ‘faux’ because you use certain stuff to replace the eggs like flaxseed and cashews are used a bit to replicate cream but you either like the vegan cake or you don’t.
The converse is when someone tricks somebody into eating something – hiding animal or non-vegan ingredients for a vegetarian; not telling someone that there is pork or some other food or that meat is not halal or kosher or even worse – when someone thinks a person doesn’t have an allergy or celiac and uses a dangerous ingredient.” Jujulabee
14. AITJ For Refusing To Help My Sisters After They Stole My Information For Financial Gain?
“My (half) sisters have always been a little bit shady and I have been estranged from them for several years.
3 years ago I found out through ancestry DNA that I had a different father than they did and one of them sweet talked their way into getting access to my account under the pretenses of copying the extensive family tree that I had built but instead, she used that access to steal my information and take it to the attorney that was handling a wrongful death suit for their father and the man who was listed on the birth certificate, cutting me out of the settlement and they each got an extra $10k for selling me out.
The funny thing is, I married well and had no intention of committing fraud for some funds that I didn’t really need anyway and would have done the right thing because I have personal integrity. It galled me to no end that they would lie to me, steal my information and throw me under the bus for a financial gain that wasn’t even life-changing.
I cut them all off because of that situation, knowing that I couldn’t trust them again. They didn’t notice because they were busy spending their windfall instead of saving some for a rainy day… The concept of family didn’t mean anything to them at all.
Fast forward less than 2 years and their settlement money is gone, having been spent foolishly on old vehicles that don’t run (and her husband is too old and sick to ever fix them), a horse that never gets ridden, etc.
My oldest half-sibling with the junk cars has already been orbiting a new social media account that I made only a few weeks ago and I heard through a relative that another sister is ready to be tossed out of her apartment come the end of January for not being able to pay her rent since the tenant renting one of her bedrooms moved out.
I’m in a financial position where I could help with paying her back rent for her but I honestly don’t feel any sort of way about it and I don’t want to help someone who took advantage of me and didn’t even feel bad about it.
Not my problem.
Am I the jerk for turning a blind eye to their plights after they did me dirty and I no longer consider them family?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
They wasted the funds they had. Why would you let them waste yours as well?
Block them on social media. You really don’t want a relationship with them and don’t owe them access to your life any more than your money.
If they ever do ask for anything, politely say ‘no’. Repeat as necessary. If they get any family members to ask on their behalf, tell the family members that they can give their money to your half-sisters.” teresajs
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you don’t have to take the world on your shoulders! Your sister’s possible eviction is of her own doing. You are not the reason they don’t have money right now, quite the opposite. You don’t owe them anything and being estranged from them, might be the smartest thing you ever did.
And remember that if you ever would give in, you would only be enabling more bad behavior.” AppeltjeEitje1079
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
They turned a blind eye to you for money. They will ultimately and unfortunately not have any need for you other than an ATM.
Their situation is not your problem because they made it so. Do not be bothered with the mess and drama they would bring.” SuperHuckleberry125
13. AITJ For Telling My Dad He's Uninvited To My Wedding If He Insists On Bringing His Wife And Stepkid?
“I (24f) am getting married next summer to my fiance J.
My mom passed away when I was 7. Dad married K 4 years later.
K has a daughter E (22) from a previous relationship. K and E are easily the most entitled, spoiled, and rude people I’ve ever met.
They never treated me like family, K has done everything possible to push me away from the family. I haven’t been in any family pictures since I was 14.
I was never allowed on any family vacation/activities. Per K’s request, my dad banned any family members from giving me any gifts for my birthday/holidays. She always hated me. I can’t even remember all the times I cried because of the things she would say to me.
E was the favorite child. Whatever she wanted they would get it for her. Me? I had to work if I wanted something. School supplies? Work for them. My clothes don’t fit me anymore? Work for new clothes.
E liked to break my stuff and I would be grounded because I got mad at her.
My last straw was when she cut all pictures I had of mom. Dad found me crying and when I showed him the pictures he told me to let it go.
I packed a bag and went to stay with my grandparents. I was 17. Dad never came for me.
Never called or texted me either.
He reached out to me when I was 20, apologized, and said he wanted to reconnect. I told him if he wants that he will have to work very hard to earn a relationship with me since he hasn’t been my dad since I was 12 and in 3 years I haven’t heard from him at all.
He said he’ll do anything to be my dad again. Since then I’ve been in low contact with him because I don’t feel like he’s putting enough work into our relationship.
I finished college last year and he attended the ceremony and after that, we spent the entire weekend together bonding.
It was the first time I felt like I had a dad in almost 13 years.
I wanted my dad to attend the wedding as a guest but I don’t want K or E there. I talked to my dad about it and he was ok with attending as a guest (my grandpa will be walking me down the aisle) but he was really mad when I said I will not invite K and E.
His reasoning is that they are his family so that makes them mine too and he doesn’t want them to be excluded. He then said he will not attend if they aren’t invited so I said ‘ok. I guess then you won’t attend my wedding and our relationship is over since you’re choosing them over me again.
It is my wedding and I don’t want those disgusting people there. Please don’t contact me again. Go be with your perfect little family and forget I exist. You have to practice that. Goodbye,’ then I blocked his number.
Some family members reached out to me and told me I should be the bigger person and that maybe the wedding could be what was going to fix our relationship.
My grandparents said that it was my big day and I shouldn’t have people that make me uncomfortable there. J and his parents agree that I shouldn’t invite people that hurt me just because they are legally considered family.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your Dad, unfortunately, is an enabler of mistreatment, and the only way to deal with enablers is to set clear boundaries and enforce them. Which is what you did.
If you do decide to get back in contact with your Dad in the future, keep setting clear boundaries.
Also, always assume that he’s going to try to sneak the step-mom and step-sister along for any in-person meetings. Arrange those so you can leave or kick him out if it happens. If he doesn’t bring them, great. But if he does, you don’t have to put up with it.
If your Dad already knows where and when the wedding will be, you might also want to ask some friends or family to play bouncer at your wedding. That way, if he does show up with your step-mom and step-sister, he can be escorted out without you having to worry about it.” yepyep_nopenope
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
They made your life so miserable and they made it clear that they never considered you family… and your dad sat there and let them do it.
He was extremely lucky that you were willing to give him a second chance and he completely destroyed it, yet again.
Giving him that opportunity was your ‘be the bigger person’ moment with him… and he showed that he truly hadn’t changed and, somehow, STILL didn’t respect you as a person or acknowledge the damage that his ‘family’ inflicted upon you.
I hope your wedding day is wonderful, drama-free, and full of the people in your life who love and support you and your fiancé.” Key-Bit1208
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
They’re his family and he won’t let them be excluded, where was this mindset for you as a child? Why would he allow you to be excluded when you are his family and therefore they should treat you right?
Your dad has some major issues if he thinks it’s appropriate to ask two people who made it their business to ruin your life and run you off to be invited to your wedding. Your dad made a very unfortunate choice for himself.
Also, you are the bigger person.
You left a horrible situation and not once did you do anything to them. I’d honestly create a message to copy/paste to everyone on the dad’s side of the family and send it to them telling them everything they’ve done to you then block them.
They can defend his ridiculousness to someone else. Also, a wedding isn’t a therapy session. It’s about you and your fiancé not about fixing family issues. Not the place nor time for ‘reconciliation.'” Glum_Hamster_1076
12. AITJ For Refusing To Babysit For Someone After They Refused To Give Me A Reference?
“I’m 21F. My sister has been friends with Cleo since they were children; I’ve known Cleo my entire life.
For the past 5 years, I’ve looked after my sister’s and Cleo’s children; at minimum 3 days a week, I’ll do school runs, etc.
I recently became single, so bills and looking after my child (1) means I have to look seriously at what I’m earning, since Cleo and my sister are family they’d sometimes not pay me/not pay me on time.
I’ve never had a serious job outside of childminding for Cleo and my sister, so I put Cleo down as a reference after asking… she said yea to me then refused when she got called, which is as bad as a bad referral… after 5 years I’d expect more.
My sister is 100% on Cleo’s side saying Cleo has offered to pay me more/needs my help still, they went to drop the children off but I am adamant against babysitting.
My mum says it’s a jerk move because I technically didn’t give notice/can be upset with Cleo, but my sister didn’t do anything wrong and had no notice… my sister won’t let me see her children anymore.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Oh, it’s obvious what type of game Cleo is playing. She is trying to sabotage you so you cannot get a job because then she will lose her underpaid babysitter. She isn’t your friend OP, don’t babysit for her ever again.
This includes your sister since she obviously is in on the plan also.” CheeseAndPasta97
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
There’s something else going on here. It sounds like Cleo didn’t want to lose her child care, so she purposely sabotaged your attempt to seek employment. I for sure wouldn’t babysit any longer for Cleo, and if your sister’s kids are a package deal, it’s a no-go at this point.
It’s not really about Cleo owing you a good reference. It’s about her agreeing to give you one and then not doing so.” LadyCass79
Another User Comments:
“NTJ in spades.
You worked for Cleo and your sister for 5 years and they would sometimes not pay you because they’re ‘family’?
Unless they are reciprocating in some way, the ‘family’ line is nothing but an excuse to take advantage of you.
And what Cleo did to you was despicable. Not content with just declining your request for a reference, she lied to you that she’d give you one, just so she could deliberately sabotage your application when the prospective employer called her.
And there’s something very wrong with your sister if she takes Cleo’s side after that. No matter whether a person is ‘family’, if they refuse to stop treating you like dirt, sometimes the best thing to do for your own wellbeing is cut them out of your life.” [deleted]
11. AITJ For Not Telling My Parents About My Award?
“My (20F) sister (18F) when she was 12 years old, was diagnosed with cancer.
Because of this, my parents became almost completely absent from my life, as my sister spent a lot of time in the hospital or undergoing chemotherapy. So 70% of the time I was alone or just being ignored.
My sister was cured of cancer at 15 and things are back to ‘normal’.
My parents, always absent in my life for everything (not just school), interfered with our relationship. In those 3 years, they never knew my grade, any game I played, or anything related to me, if I showed up with blue hair, they wouldn’t notice at that time, and I tried so hard to get their attention for 5 minutes, but eventually just gave up.
It’s ok, they were focused on my sister and I get it, but yeah, I created a life independent of them.
My parents even tried to get closer and we have a closer relationship, but it was never really the same. I don’t have a close relationship with my sister because we don’t get along so well.
But even so, they never expressed an explicit interest in what I do.
I managed to get into college. Currently, I still live with them, but I intend to move by July next year. I pay rent and my share of the bill, groceries, etc.
Recently my scientific work in college competed for an award at the state level and I was super happy.
The award did not take place in person and it was via Zoom, I ended up winning (it was on a Wednesday).
On Friday, my significant other, my friends, and I went to celebrate for dinner.
My SO and friend posted things congratulating me.
On Saturday, before I went to work, my parents came to talk to me, asking about the award and if I had really won, when I confirmed it, they started asking how I didn’t invite them to see the award and how I could hide something so good.
I just replied that I didn’t think they would mind honestly. They started complaining, but I said I had to work.
Later, my sister texted me saying that I broke our parents’ hearts by saying that and that I was really punishing them for something in the past that they couldn’t help themselves.
My parents are distant from me and my sister is still calling me a jerk.
They never really showed interest in my stuff or asked anything (even after) which doesn’t happen with my sister.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Congratulations on your award. You rock.
The fact that your parents centered themselves and their feelings at the crux of you winning your award suggests that they have work to do to recover from going through your sister’s battle with cancer.
Your experience with your parents has been a lack of awareness and interest in you and your life. This is the result of their actions. Those actions have consequences, and your parents and sister don’t seem to like those consequences. That’s not your fault.
And it’s not your responsibility to make everyone feel better about it either. NTJ.” coastalAntisocial
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
The fact that your sister would text you means they know why you didn’t tell them or why they weren’t invited. You weren’t a priority and they went out of their way to ignore you.
Even now they are making this about themselves. They could’ve apologized for making you feel this way and asked more about your work. But they didn’t. If you want, have a conversation about their behavior. If not, try to move sooner. At this point, you pay rent and utilities and buy your own food, you’re a roommate.
You don’t owe them the comfort of being included in your life after the fact.” Glum_Hamster_1076
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They can’t have shunted you to the side and neglected your needs as a child for years and then expect you to meet their needs as parents.
You were excluded, but they now clearly expect to be included.
Maybe they did their best, maybe they didn’t. But the key point here is sometimes a parent’s best isn’t good enough. It’s on them to acknowledge that they didn’t see you needing them/had nothing left to give you.
If it’s better for your mental health to keep them at arm’s length, do that. As long as you’re not actively trying to punish them, and you’re just taking care of yourself, I think you’re fine.” floopdoopsalot
10. AITJ For Selling My Son's Car To Pay For My Stepson's Surgery?
“My stepson (16) has had a medical condition since he was born. He used to be doing fine but 14 months ago his health started worsening. His mom and I put all our emergency funds toward his first surgery. Now 7 months later he’s in need of a second one which was not anticipated. We’re not doing great financially.
We don’t have anything of value to sell to use the money on the surgery except my 18-year-old son’s car which I and his mom bought together and eventually gave to him to drive to college.
I decided since it was in my name that I could sell it.
He found out and was not happy about it. I explained the situation to him but he said it was a gift from me and his mom and I had no right to take it back and sell it. I explained again but he was having none of it.
We got into a huge argument and his uncles started shaming me for taking the car saying my stepson’s health issues aren’t my son’s responsibility. I refused to negotiate or get into an argument with them but my son’s upset and he’s been avoiding me and my wife for days now.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
It was a gift. You essentially stole your son’s gift and while I get that you’ve got your stepson’s best interests in mind, what about YOUR son?
His mother paid half. Are you giving her her money back so she can replace what you took?
If it was something both you and she paid for him, why did you need to give it to him, because, in my opinion, he should have had it already when it was bought.
How is your son getting to and from or back to college?
Is he meant to fly? Walk? Can he get a lift from a friend or are you expecting him to drop out so he can help you?
His uncles are right. Your financial problems and your stepson’s health are not his problems. You can ask to move in with family, set up payment plans for bills, make cutbacks or get side gig jobs, cut all non-essential spending, ask his paternal family to help…” HunterDangerous1366
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. A gift is just that: a gift, which means that once it’s been given to the other person, it’s theirs, completely and permanently. That holds doubly true in this case because it was jointly purchased with someone else, meaning you not only took something that wasn’t yours to take, you actually stole the funds his mom put towards the purchase.
I hope she sues you for her contribution, and you deserve to lose your son, which is what’s going to happen next because he has seen for himself that you aren’t to be trusted with seeing to his best interests or keeping your word to him.
When he cuts you out of his life, you just sit there and accept it. You do not get to say one word in protest because it will be 100% your own fault.” ProfPlumDidIt
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
The car may have been in your name, but from your own post, it wasn’t funded solely by you.
Your ex-wife also contributed to the car so you not only stole from your son (and it was stealing because the car was given to him as a gift), you also stole from your ex-wife. Do you have plans to reimburse her the funds that she spent on your son’s car or is she also supposed to sacrifice for your stepson who she has no relation?
I get it. This is a tough situation. The true jerk is the healthcare system. Legally, you’re probably in the clear because your name was on the title. But morally? You were wrong and yes, you are a jerk here. Don’t expect your son to understand or forgive you – you have probably done permanent damage to your relationship with him if he chooses to continue having one with you at all.” anthony___fell
9. AITJ For Expecting My Ex To Greet Me After I Had Ghosted Him?
“My ex and I (30F and 30M) were together for about 11 years, and we divorced two years ago.
It was an uneventful breakup, while I won’t say it was mutual, it was amicable. He wanted to work on things and I had enough of waiting for him to fix the things he said he would. We didn’t split on bad terms but it was still a hard breakup to go through.
Throughout the first year, he would occasionally ask how I was doing, and I responded the first handful of times but realized after a while it was hurting me to talk to him via text. I stopped responding, and I haven’t got a text from him in about a year.
After some work on myself and therapy, I finally got over him last year.
Well a couple of weeks ago I was out at a bar with friends, and lo and behold my ex walks in. Honestly, it was really nice to see him. I just wanted to quickly say hello and catch up briefly.
I smiled and waved for him to come over. His reaction was wide eyes and he turned around and left.
I can’t fault him for the reaction, but I texted him the next day just saying it was nice to see him and that if he saw me next time feel free to say hello.
He then said that I had no right to tell him how to feel and that his ignoring me was the same way I ignored his texts.
I then said while I understand his feelings about the texts, it is different to ignore someone in person and also extremely rude.
Ignoring someone fresh from a divorce via text, and two years on in-person are different circumstances. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, you wanted the divorce, which is your right. You ghosted him without so much as an explanation, which had to be devastating for him when he didn’t want a divorce.
Now when he happens to be around you decide hey we are both in a good spot let’s catch up? Not even going over to him you waved him to come to you like he was a dog. It’s mind-boggling to actually contact him to say HE was rude.
Put yourself in his shoes and then try to come up with any way you weren’t an incredible jerk.” Flashy_Ferret_1819
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
‘It’s rude when he does it, but not when I do it.’
Really? Do you realize how hypocritical you’re being?
BOTH of you split apart, and both of you got divorced. It wasn’t even mutual as you stated that he wanted to work on things and YOU were the one who wanted to call it quits.
This implies that HE would be the one who’d be hurt more because he was willing to fight for the continuation of your marriage while you had given up and got tired of waiting for him to fix things.
Which is fully your right.
However, you can’t expect to just ghost people out of nowhere, with not a single text of explanation, ignore him for 2 years, and then be upset that HE doesn’t want to see you when YOU are ready. Not even ‘Hey, sorry to say this, but texting you hurts too much while I’m trying to process our divorce.
Can we limit communication to x amount of texts?’ Nothing. Just stone-cold-ghosted him.
You weren’t ready then. He isn’t ready now, simple as that. I wouldn’t be surprised if the only reason you reached out at the bar, was because you were out with friends and wanted to show off that you were over him and could treat your ex kindly, without informing them you literally ghosted him for 2 whole years.
You made your thoughts and feelings about him all too clear when you shut him out without a second thought. Don’t expect to be given kindness that you didn’t even give to him. You are not entitled to his attention or affection, especially not when you stonewalled him earlier without a care for his own feelings.
YTJ.” User
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You got over things while at the same time snubbing him without explanation, what did you expect that he was just going to forget that? It doesn’t even sound like you tried to apologize or explain your actions at all, you just seem to think that you cutting him off via text without explanation is less rude than him avoiding you in person and so you must be in the right.
At least you know why he avoided you. He was even nice enough to text you back to explain why he was mad because you are so oblivious. If I were him I wouldn’t have even responded.” MrBleah
8. AITJ For Kicking Out My Brother-In-Law?
“So my brother-in-law moved in with us last year in July. Our agreement was to allow him to live here for a couple of months so he could save to get his own place. Not only has it been over a year but he is kinda inconsiderate.
He eats everything, doesn’t clean, doesn’t contribute any money (so he could ‘save’), and smokes everything we have before anyone else gets a chance. He also smokes in the house which was allowed when he first moved in but then I got pregnant so we sat him down and said hey no more smoking inside.
Anyway back to the point. My husband asked him how much he had saved so that he could help pitch in if needed because we live in a 2-bedroom and babies take up space. He refuses to tell him what he has saved and anytime we try to show him apartments or homes for rent he brushes it off.
I got fed up yesterday because 2 whole bags of pizza rolls were gone that I bought that day. I may have done it out of anger but I told him he had till the end of the year to find a place and move out.
My husband is on my side but his family is telling me I’m being rude and that we invited him into our home we can’t just kick him out because we had a kid. Am I the jerk?
Edit: Just to clear things up.
Yes, he is an adult and he has a job. My daughter was born this October which is why my husband and I really are putting our foot down.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
He is clearly disrespectful and rude but most importantly, he’s endangering your unborn child.
That’s MAJOR!
Have your husband let him know that his behavior is unacceptable and he must buy his own groceries from now on. Put a lock on your refrigerator tmrw, if possible. It’s not difficult to do. If he’s hungry he can go get himself fast food or order pizza or something and pay for it himself.
Make sure he can’t take you to court if he’s been getting his mail at your house. Check your city ordinances. Protect yourselves! If you are in the clear legally, you can change the locks on him when his time is up and he’s out getting something to eat!
Congratulations on your beautiful baby girl! Don’t let him smoke in the house or anywhere nearby, especially by open windows. Second-hand smoke near your baby is bad and irresponsible.” LoveBeach8
Another User Comments:
“Get that man out of your house!
You have your own baby, you don’t need an adult one too.
He is very obviously taking advantage of you both.
Stand your ground. Your family telling you that you are rude can take him in.
What’s RUDE is overstaying your welcome and interrupting a new family’s time to bond with their new baby.
Get. Him. Out.
NTJ.” MK_King69
7. AITJ For Accidentally Announcing My Sister-In-Law's Pregnancy?
“Elle (31F) used to be married to my BIL (37M). BIL is now married to Julie (40F). Even though Elle and BIL are divorced, I still see her as my SIL. BIL divorced her, but I didn’t, we are still very close and refer to each other as SILs.
Last month I (40F) joined social media as one of my siblings is moving abroad next year and I want to keep in contact with them. Elle is in a relationship with James (40M). Elle has recently announced on social media that she is pregnant with a 3rd child (she and BIL have twins), and she is due in March.
She had posted it on her social media, which she does not have Julie or BIL on. I have added Julie and BIL, to keep the peace within the family but Elle has shown me how to change the settings on posts so if I want to post something that has her in it then Julie and BIL can’t see it.
I have started to crochet and knit for Elle’s new baby. For the twins I made blankets, and I made the hats and cardigans that they came home in. I wanted to do the same for the new baby as well as I know Elle has kept these items for her children and I don’t want my new niece or nephew to feel left out.
I posted a picture of the hat I had made for the new baby on one of my children’s teddies. I captioned it with ‘Very excited to be knitting and crocheting for a new family baby and am excited to become an aunt again.’ I didn’t tag anyone, I didn’t say who was having the baby or anything.
As I hadn’t mentioned Elle in it at all, I figured it would be safe to let BIL and Julie see it.
Well, Julie commented underneath the post demanding I take it down, furious that I had dared to post about her being pregnant. I had no idea that she was pregnant.
Julie never struck me as wanting children as she is so cold with the twins and my children. BIL and Julie have now been contacting me and my Husband (40M), demanding that we take the post down, telling us that we should know better than to announce someone else’s pregnancy.
Julie has said that we are making her sick with stress as she didn’t want it to be announced this early. Julie is 7 weeks pregnant. I haven’t said anything to BIL or Julie about Elle being pregnant as I know Elle wouldn’t want them to know.
I have left the post up, but have told Julie and BIL that the post wasn’t about them and that I’m not just an aunt to their future child, and that I have siblings who could also be expecting.
I feel like I might be the jerk as my post has accidentally revealed that Julie is pregnant even if it was revealed by Julie herself.
I feel bad about it as I know how stressful those early weeks can be, with worrying that everything is ok before your 12-week scan.”
Another User Comments:
“Oops. Julie outed herself, and this makes her a Double Jerk for also assuming the hat that you made was intended for her baby.
Actually, let’s ramp that up a bit, we’ll make that order a Flaming Triple Jerk with a side of large fries and a soda for also throwing accusations around without asking like any reasonable human being would at first. Can we also order an extra Jerk on the side since we have to include BIL for defending his wife’s behavior?
After all, he wasn’t even decent enough to ask you himself either.
Being pregnant doesn’t excuse anyone from acting crazy and accusatory and even berating you on social media.
Leave the post up. Ignore their calls and messages and block them if you have to.
In the meantime, I think it’s time for Julie and BIL to wash a Chill Pill down with a nice cold, refreshing bottle of Shut Up.
NTJ.” CyclonicHavoc
Another User Comments:
“NTJ: you didn’t spill the beans. Julie spilled her own beans. She’s the one who flew off the hormonal handle and jumped to the wrong conclusion it was about her.
She knows you have other relatives. She had no reason to assume it was only about her.
Did you even know she was pregnant before you posted it? It seems like you didn’t. So if she and your BIL hadn’t told you, there would have been no way the post could have been about her when you didn’t know.
She’s just being irrational and they’re out of line.
Furthermore, you did the right thing by keeping Elle’s pregnancy a secret from them. It’s her business, not theirs. You don’t owe them any names or further details. And if Elle doesn’t have a problem with your post, then by all means, keep it up.
It’s not your problem, it’s Julie and BIL’s problem that she spilled her secret on social media. If she really wanted to keep it a secret and thought it was about her, she would have called instead of making a comment spilling her secrets on your post. It’s all on her.
Let her own it.
Congrats on the new addition(s), hope you get to enjoy them without the drama.” Gorgeous-Angelface
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Julie revealed her own pregnancy. You didn’t know. Plus even if you had, there’s another friend in your life that’s pregnant.
Elle is further along and known to be pregnant at this point, yes? I’m guessing Julie has at least heard about that because of the twins and knows you are friends. I’m guessing Julie is a bit self-centered, because assuming that she’s likely only known about the pregnancy for a couple of weeks, you somehow immediately found out, made a hat, then posted about it all to spoil her reveal.
She’s stressing herself out. Tag Elle if she’s announced and ignore Julie.” Shibaspots
6. AITJ For Hating My Own Mother?
“My (27f) and my mother’s (62f) relationship has been difficult for about 13 years due to many reasons. Recently, I let her come to a bridal gown appointment where everyone there – including myself and her – loved a certain dress I picked out. Later, she stated it was awful and ‘showed cellulite on my butt’ (I am sporty and a UK 10-12 but have suffered like many women with my body image and trying to convince myself that I am not crazily obese when I look in the mirror).
This started a feud between her and me where I tried to make her accountable for the hurtful comment (she made it again about the bridal dress I actually ended up buying on a later occasion) which led to her denying she made the comment at all and that it’s not her fault for the way I have misinterpreted her words (the comment above is a direct quote).
A few weeks later, she wrote ridiculously long messages over the span of an hour identifying every single time over the past 3 years when I have accordingly ‘wronged’ her – many of these times it was my retaliation to something she had said or done.
Due to my lack of sincerity in her response, she is now trying to claim I stole her wedding ring which she had gifted me months prior to all this. I told her I would return it when I had the chance (I work full time and have a busy social life this time of year due to it being almost Christmas).
This was not good enough and she told my brother she will be ringing the police to have me arrested at my workplace for theft and elderly abuse. I ended up messaging her stating how her plan would have failed as I had begun my holidays the day prior to her plan and how this whole stunt of police involvement was low even for her.
I then went on to say how she is simply a life giver and not a mother to me and I’m happily ready to live my life like she is already dead. Am I the jerk?
Edit: I have posted the ring back to her and she is blocked from everything.
I will also be starting psychology in the new year to sort through everything and also work on myself so I don’t retaliate in situations like this and respond (if need be) in a logical way.”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. It seems like your mom is mean and that sucks, but it also seems like you antagonize her, and are mean back to her, and you do things like accept her gifted wedding ring and invite her to special bridal fittings when you’ve been aware of the fact that she’s not the person you want her to be for at least the last 13 years.
If she’d just woken up and chosen to be mean to you that’s one thing, but it seems like you escalate the situation when you could just as easily not talk to her and leave her alone.” Marinaisgo
Another User Comments:
“Has she always been like this?
If this is a relatively new behavior, she might be in the early stages of dementia. She’s a bit young for that but it’s not impossible. What you’re describing sounds very like the kind of behavior my dad displayed YEARS before it became unavoidable and obvious that he had a problem, and he was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s.
(My dad had always been a jerk but the apparent gaslighting was new.) If we’d had him diagnosed sooner he could have started medication that might have helped – and also it would have helped me to know he was sick, not hateful. In any case, NTJ.” Primary_Button7583
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, your mom has a screw loose and has been mean for a long time but you know that and you continue to be around her and it seems like you want to engage. It’s an unhealthy two-way street that you participate in too.
You didn’t need to say those awful things, you could just block her and have nothing to do with her. I suspect you haven’t blocked her in every way and you may continue to engage. I would bet you will have more contact.” Jmm1272
Good luck
5. AITJ For Being Mad At My Partner For Drinking My Special Whisky?
“I was given an expensive personalized bottle of whisky from work as a thank you (good project outcome). I like whisky but don’t drink it very often and it was a few weeks before I went to have some. At this point, it was all gone.
My partner (who likes nice whisky) said it was available for both of us and I should have consumed it more quickly. I was annoyed and said he should have left at least some of it for me. He said we have food and drinks in our house which are for both of us and we both drink them and I could replace it if I wanted to, as per other joint grocery purchases.
This feels different and I was annoyed because it was a rare treat that I probably won’t replace and felt he should have saved some of it for me. We had a big argument.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and your partner is a real piece of work.
‘My partner (who likes nice whisky) said it was available for both of us.’
Was it, though? Really?
You were given an ‘expensive, personalized’ GIFT.
That it happened to be a gift that was consumable is ethically irrelevant. It wasn’t a food purchase from the grocery store.
It wasn’t bought out of your shared budget. It was a GIFT. Given specifically to YOU. Expensive and personalized to… you. And I don’t get the impression, based on your response, that you did in fact make it ‘available to’ him for his consumption. Or that he even bothered to ASK if it was available to him for his use, rather than just assuming that this gift given to you was his for the taking.
Furthermore, even if it HAD been ‘available to’ him, he’d still be the jerk for CONSUMING THE ENTIRETY of an expensive, personalized gift that was not given to him, but to you, not leaving any of it for you to enjoy at all.
‘and I should have consumed it more quickly.’
Excuse him? He actually said to you that you should have GOTTEN TO YOUR OWN GIFT FASTER IF YOU’D WANTED ANY OF IT.
Oh no. Absolutely not.
That man is literally the epitome of not only selfishness and greed, but tackiness, lack of basic manners, and failure to understand the basic kindergarten lesson of: ‘Just because you want something does not mean that it is yours.’
You are NTJ, but your partner needs to go back to preschool and learn some manners.” FoolMe1nceShameOnU
Another User Comments:
“NTJ; your partner is wrong. This was something special, given to you, not him, and isn’t really replaceable. Yeah, I know, you could probably refill the bottle with the same whisky, (although, he drank it, why should you have to buy it?), but that’s not the same.
It won’t be the actual whisky that was given to you.
It’s easy enough to see how this is a problem. What would his reaction be if you consumed/made unavailable to him some item that was given to him, and he held special? Not good, I should think.
Your partner is being deeply inconsiderate and then flippant on top of it. Not good qualities in a partner.” Zazzog
Another User Comments:
“NTJ!
It matters not that it was a consumable item. This wasn’t part of your usual fare. This was personalized, pricey, and most importantly, was gifted specifically to you, for your hard work.
That’s why it feels more significant. He did not snarf down a common head of lettuce. Nay, the rapscallion took ungentlemanly liberties with your gift, purely on the basis of it being consumable. If such items haven’t yet been made an exception for how you two usually handle the sharing of fine goods, now is the second-best time to start drawing those lines, because an item of this quality deserved special rules.
My partner and I comport ourselves similarly to you in that we freely share our foodstuffs, but we do also like to check in with one another if we’re about to finish off items of a particular quality because we care about ensuring that each of us has the chance to enjoy them.
It would not have killed your treat-coveting partner to be at least that considerate.
His turning it around and putting the onus on you for ‘not drinking it fast enough’ is also… genuinely concerning, actually. It strikes me as a very poorly-rendered attempt to deflect from his decision to be a selfish rake and leave none of your gift for you.
He is absolutely the puckered sphincter here. The darkest, dankest, and muddiest of chocolate starfishes. It perhaps wasn’t polite of you to raise your voice, but I don’t think you were wrong about it. Nay; you were quite right to be upset and he ought to have apologized instead of deflecting.
The greedy treat-fiend does need to apologize, of course, and he would do well to agree to the idea of touching base with you about items of this sort in the future so this bothersome injustice never darkens your happy home again. If he cannot bring himself to agree to this truly bare minimum degree of consideration, you… probably will wish to start with the ‘his and hers’ and locking down your rare treats, especially since he’s established that he’ll unrepentantly hork down the entire thing if left unchecked.
I wish you all the best in your adventures in combining treats and romance, OP. Were I in your woefully sober shoes, I would entreat the whiskey gremlin to properly compensate you for his faux pas – both of them, that is the boorish overconsumption and the blame.
Another bottle of similar quality and size to the one you were left bereft of would be appropriate.” WinternallyScreaming
4. AITJ For Getting Back In Touch With My Sister Who I Treated Awfully?
“I (f17) have an older sister (f22). My parents had her when they were teenagers and they have never been good to her (they are good to me).
They both screamed at her for everything and they both pressured her a lot. She is (was) a model so mom was obsessed with her looks and what she ate. Dad constantly pressured her with school. I was not good either. I was always ruining her stuff, even expensive ones, I would scream at her, I made fun of everything she liked, and my parents encouraged it.
My sister was always good to me, she would make sure I ate healthy and helped with homework, even when she was sick or tired. She’d stay with me when mom and dad had fought as I would get scared, she took the blame for everything I did always but it was hard and the relationship with my parents got really bad after they blamed her for something awful so she left a while later when she became an adult.
Things weren’t okay between us either but she told me to contact her if necessary.
She is now very successful, travels a lot, has money, a nice partner, friends, and fans. She had always wanted a sister and I know she had asked for one for Christmas and for her birthday before I was born.
Whenever we saw sisters in movies or stuff she would say it was us, I constantly told her that she wasn’t my sister.
Well, our parents had a baby recently, a girl! They had couples therapy in the past years and are okay now! I spent months thinking but I decided to contact her, apologize, and tell her everything.
She was furious. Literally, for the first time ever she screamed at me and said lots of really mean stuff then said I should not have told her anything.
I’m confused, we sucked, I know that but was I really bad in contacting her for this?
I feel like it was important.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are 17 and coming to some realizations. Your sister is also NTJ, she’s also still young (fun fact our brains don’t finish forming until we’re about 25). There’s a lot for both of you to unpack, and your sister’s reaction seems like it is years and years of suppressed emotions from being treated so poorly.
As a kid, you modeled your parents’ attitude and they encouraged you to treat your sister poorly. Your parents are the jerks here.
Now, with that said, you need to respect that your sister has very complicated emotions tied to your family, and it will require time for her to process, but I am sure one day she’ll find her way back to you.
Just be patient and supportive of her, like she was with you. Respect her need for boundaries and try not to pressure her with any expectations. A good way to do this is to try listening to her with the only goal of understanding her.
Not trying to help solve her problems or make the situation better, but just demonstrating that you hear her, and are trying to empathize with her.
I hope with time, you two can find your way back to each other, but your parents did a lot of damage here.” kaylahellal
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Seriously? This is the reason you decide to call her years after she left the house? To tell her that your jerk parents decided to not only get therapy AFTER they estranged their eldest daughter (and I’m assuming they never bothered to contact her after they seemingly got ‘better’), but they also decided to have another baby who is 95% meant to be a replacement for your sister?
The last time she saw you, she asked you to contact her if you needed anything (because despite how awfully you and your parents treated her, you are still her little sister and she doesn’t want you to end up on the streets). Aside from that, she would have been way happier if you just left her alone and didn’t bother to tell her such things.” mayrishishi01
Another User Comments:
“Wow. That’s a lot to unpack.
Your parents being teenagers when they had a child is a perfectly good reason for being unequipped to be parents. It is a totally unacceptable reason for mistreating your sister her entire life until she turned 18 and left. It would have been better if they gave her up for adoption.
What they did is really terrible and they need to take responsibility for that. She spent her entire life being a mistreated child and it seems like they have no remorse whatsoever. You can’t just call out of the blue and apologize for them, they have to apologize themselves.
You also mistreated your sister. Sibling abuse is very painful and very real. I say that to you to help you understand how your sister grew up and how it felt. It must have hurt so much not to have you as an ally. But as far as holding you responsible, I really can’t.
You would only have been about 13 when she left. You were still a child. Abusing your sister would have been modeled for you since the day you were born and encouraged by your parents and I don’t think you really knew any better. But it doesn’t change the fact that it was very painful for your sister.
And by getting you to be awful to your sister, your parents were awful to you as well.
I’m glad your sister was good to you growing up since your parents were such crap. They weren’t good to you if they were encouraging you to be horrible to someone else.
But I understand what you mean about them being good to you, what that really means is that you had their favor. But they did not raise you well. It is part of why you are so confused now.
When your sister walked out the door of a very painful life, she left it open for YOU.
She was afraid for you and wanted to make sure if you ever needed anything you could contact her. The reason why she got so angry with you is that you called her to tell her that since she has been gone everything has gone great.
Your parents have gotten counseling, you all really love each other, and they have a new baby on the way. How painful for her! Why couldn’t they have done these things for her? Why couldn’t they have done these things when she was living at home under such terrible conditions?
It’s too little too late for her to be happy for all of you when all of her happiness was stolen from her in her childhood.
I am glad to hear her life is so successful and she has made her own happiness. But you have to understand that she doesn’t need any of you anymore and the idea that you all went on to be happy once she left when there was no benefit to her probably makes her feel like crap.
You are NTJ for contacting her because you are simply too young to understand all of these complexities. But please don’t contact her again. She will contact you if she ever feels ready, and if she doesn’t you have to respect that.” priscillathekilla
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, it’s not your fault though, you’re a child. But see it from your sister’s side, she was mistreated by her parents for 18 years. She protected you from receiving the same mistreatment, she even understood that your attitude towards her was an extension of the parental mistreatment and told you to contact her if you needed help after she left. Then you turn around and call her after a few years just to rub in that everything got better after she left.
Obviously, that wasn’t the intention on your part or you wouldn’t be asking for advice, but you reopened wounds for her. She is also young and dealing with the trauma of being a mistreated child, I hope you can reconcile with her, but you need to give it time, and DO NOT mention your parents unless she asks.
Focus on your relationship with her.” Broad_Rip_5705
3. AITJ For Telling My Fiancé's Friend To Back Off?
“I (25f) have a fiancé (26m) who has a close friend (24f) and has been hanging out with her more than usual for the past 3 months.
They would go to the gym together, they are both in the same book club, they bake each other stuff to see who has done it the best and have just been tied to the hip for the past couple of months.
It was fine for the first two months, but it all felt too weird, maybe it’s my jealousy but most of my friends have told me that it’s not normal. The majority of the days that he is off work or working from home, he would be doing something involving her and try to ‘include’ me.
To top it off, she is a model and disgustingly attractive, so it makes me feel more suspicious of something being wrong. They have known each other for two years, but I haven’t seen her as much as I have for the past three months.
They would always try to awkwardly ‘include me’, though I would just dismiss myself or make an excuse.
For the last three weeks, I’ve been very observant and can see that she clearly likes him on a romantic level.
So a couple of days ago, I told her when my fiancé was out late that ‘she should get into other hobbies’ & how ‘I and my fiancé need solitude’.
She proceeded to guilt trip me and made me feel as though I shouldn’t have said anything. She told me that ‘it’s normal, guys and girls can be friends in the 21st century without wanting to sleep together’. I informed her that ‘it’s clear as day’ & ‘if you don’t back off then I’ll tell him to drop you completely’.
After a while of passive-aggressiveness, he came back and she just started to get upset in front of him and left. He questioned me and asked me ‘what did you say?’ I just told him ‘I don’t know’. But she later told him what I said & my fiancé told me that ‘it was low of me to think such a thing’.
Now I feel like I’ve created such a weird dynamic and they are both being weird with me for thinking such a thing, even if they try to act like they aren’t.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Not communicating with him. Instead of going behind his back and lying about what he wants and thinks.
That’s not how relationships work.
You’re going to be married to this person, and you can’t even bring yourself to talk to him about things you’re concerned about or uncomfortable with, instead opting to go behind his back to take action and lie about his desires?
If you can’t communicate with him, then break up. He isn’t having dreams of how you’re feeling, and he can’t lay his case in front of you nor can he even try to lay boundaries to make sure you’re comfortable if you don’t even talk to him.
Talk. To. Your. Partner.
Tell him how you feel. Tell him how you feel about their relationship and see if he can assure you that it’s platonic. Or try to set boundaries if nothing else and see if both of you see eye to eye.
Discuss it.
Don’t go behind his back taking wild actions.
‘They would always try to awkwardly ‘include me’, though I would just dismiss myself or make an excuse.’
From the looks of it, that’s because he wants you to be part of things they do.
So you don’t feel like he doesn’t want you around, too.
Do you and your partner spend enough time together between just the two of you? If you do, then he’s doing that AND including you when he hangs out with friends, what more can one want?
If you don’t, talk to him. Tell him how you feel and that you and he should have more time for yourselves. He needs to know.
You’re making assumptions on your own, not telling him anything, and taking drastic actions with no communication. How are you engaged to him?” Shanal183
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. You for not dealing with this directly with your fiancé – if there is anything inappropriate he is at more fault than she is as he is the one in a relationship. Your fiancé for making you feel unwelcome and having what appears to be a lack of boundaries with this friend.
Her for apparently pursuing an engaged man and trying to edge you out.
Bad behavior all around – you aren’t ready to get married until some fundamental issues are sorted out.” CraftyPumpkin1861
Another User Comments:
“YTJ because why wouldn’t you talk privately to your fiancé about feeling insecure?
You have no real reason to suspect them except feeling insecure about yourself (she’s ‘disgustingly’ attractive? What an awful way to depict her) which has been further provoked by your immature friends. Your partner as well as his friend have tried to involve you but you’re the one who’s made it an issue.
And then you basically accosted her out of the blue and then lied to your partner when he wanted to know what was going on. And that ‘I’ll tell him’ sounds very controlling.
You HAVE created a weird dynamic. It IS low level to think that way.
Also what year do your friends live in? Opposite-gender people can totally be close friends without having a romantic interest in each other. What a narrow worldview to not understand or accept that!” TimisAllia
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
You should have spoken to your fiancé in private first. And now you’ve made it a ‘them vs you’ issue.
But at the same time, this reeks of an emotional affair. It sounds like they are in a relationship, and you are the third wheel. There are major issues going on here, and first of all, you need to ask your fiancé if he cares about your relationship, because right now it doesn’t seem like it.
He’s trying to gaslight you to the moon and back to keep his emotional affair afloat.” Itsquiteapickle
2. AITJ For Not Wanting My Husband In The Room While I Give Birth Because Of His Fainting Spells?
“This is my (F30) second pregnancy and delivery. During my last delivery, the only support my husband (M29) was able to give was sitting in a chair behind my bed because he faints at the sight of b***d. This was three and a half years ago so I was able to have three other support persons (my mom, his mom, and my best friend) in the room with me, so him sitting behind me honestly didn’t bother me one bit.
Now, when I say that he faints at the sight of b***d I really mean it; this man fainted cutting our son’s umbilical cord.
Fast forward to preparing for my current delivery, and I can only have one support person in the delivery room due to health restrictions.
I am really wanting someone that’s going to be an actual support person; someone that can hold my leg, coach me through labor, cut the umbilical cord, etc. I also hemorrhaged after my last delivery, so it’s really important to me to have someone that can be with me through everything, not just cheer me on from behind me.
I understand that he wants to be in the delivery room because it is his child, but I am absolutely terrified of having to go through everything by myself. I’ve decided that either my mom or best friend should be the one in the delivery room with me, but my husband is really really upset with that decision, to the point where now he doesn’t even want to go to the hospital with me when I go into labor; he says that he’ll drop me off and then show up after the baby is born even though my doctor said he could be in the waiting area.
I don’t want him to be upset with me for making this decision, but I also really need/want to feel supported. So that leads me to ask: AITJ for not wanting to have him in the delivery room with me?
EDIT for info: He is not expected to sit the entirety of my labor in the waiting room; I am allowed two visitors during my stay in the hospital, so he would have one of the visitors’ passes and my support person would have the other.
He would be asked to leave the room when it comes time for me to start pushing, which he is not interested in doing at this time. I can’t afford to hire a midwife or doula because I’m already paying for all my birthing services out of pocket (due to no health insurance).
I also can’t switch hospitals because I live in a very small county; the next closest hospital is a two-hour drive away, and it is not a drive I’m willing to make in the winter because of snow conditions this time of year.”
Another User Comments:
“Absolutely NTJ. Your husband is essentially another patient in the hospital if he faints that easily at the sight of b***d. He of all people should understand why you are making this decision.
It’s a shame that he’s so susceptible to fainting, as that’s not his fault either… but he’s gotta be realistic.
You need someone who can be there with you and help you through the grueling task of childbirth, not someone peeking from between their fingers at the back of the room in a chair. The doctors and nurses in the room don’t need to have to also keep an eye on your husband.
There is no reason he can’t be close by in the waiting room and meet his child afterward. Since you are the one having the kid, it’s 100% your call. If he chooses to be a big vindictive baby about it, that says a lot about him.” dookle14
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You need support, unfortunately, your husband isn’t capable of giving it to you. Now hand the phone to your husband because this next part is for him.
You’re the father, and that’s super important, but this isn’t your medical procedure. This is about your wife.
She needs someone there who can support her, who can cheer her on, can focus on what she needs, who can whisper encouragement, who can physically support her. It’s not your fault that you faint at the sight of b***d, but her needs matter more than your wants right now.
The best way you can step up for your wife right now is to let her have the support she needs in the delivery room while you support her from a safe place where you’re not going to become a medical problem when you pass out and hit your head on something.
It’s your job to put your wife and child first, even when that means you have to do things in a way that you don’t really like.” CanterCircles
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It seems like he’s interpreting your decision as ‘punishment’ rather than as a natural consequence of his own medical condition (hemophobia).
It may be that he feels ashamed and he’s responding with anger and resentment.
What’s most important for you on that day is to feel safe and supported. It’s going to be hard to focus on all the complexities of bringing another human into this world if your attention is divided because your husband is passed out on the floor.
It sucks feeling helpless to help the person you love the most; maybe try reinforcing that the best way he can help is by avoiding that risk to his safety, that you do need him close and to be strong for you, and that his choice not to be present in the waiting room would be extremely hurtful and lonely for you.” ifsogirl-88
1. AITJ For Wanting To Sell My Late Husband's Comic Books?
“My husband passed away in 2014 at the age of 46 from ALS and Frontal Temporal Degeneration.
Before we knew he was sick, I left him because he changed into someone that didn’t speak to me, touch me, or interact with me… I tried for 2 years to ‘fix’ things, but they just got worse. I have a LOT of guilt about this, but again, I didn’t know.
We never got divorced, and we still saw each other every day because of kids and parenting. I honestly thought he was just terribly depressed, and just wouldn’t get the help he needed. That obviously wasn’t the case.
Anyway, through circumstances, he came back home.
Within about a year we discovered he was sick, very very sick. And I cared for him until he passed. While he was sick it was very difficult to get any help at all from his family, and I eventually quit my 9-5 job to care for him.
His family didn’t really help me with anything and was in the Hills of Denial for almost the whole time. So much so that while I was caring for him in the way the doctors told me to, and sharing info about what was happening with the doctors, they were accusing me of lying and not caring for him well at all.
(Husband would tell them that I was his advocate and that I was doing a great job making sure he got the care he needed etc).
All that to say, his family wasn’t a fan of me, and as his health declined, so did their opinion of me.
Fast forward to now. My in-laws both passed during the global crisis, and my BIL (husband’s brother – 50M) was clearing out the dad’s condo, and in the storage area found a bunch of stuff that my husband had stored there, including – thousands – of comic books from the ’70s, 80’s and ’90s.
Husband didn’t have much – ok, anything really – and he even downgraded his life insurance the last year of his life ‘to save money’ (it was a side effect of his brain not working, he was super focused on money, but in weird ways).
So, while we did get some life insurance, we didn’t get much. And while we did get his social security, that also wasn’t much.
BIL gave everything of my husband’s he found directly to our kids (19F and 21M) bypassing me completely.
Here’s where I might be the jerk.
I don’t believe BIL had any right to give those things to the kids. They were husband’s, which makes them mine. Of course, if things had gone how they should have I would have let the kids pick out their favorites – but we don’t have a lot, and selling these old and well-cared-for comics would be a huge help to me and the household.
But he DID give them to the kids, so any talk of selling them the kids are saying they aren’t mine to sell.
AITJ for thinking the comics are mine, and that if I want to sell them I should be able to sell them?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. It’s understandable why the kids want the comic books but let’s not all act like they have literally nothing to have as a reminder of their dad and hold this comic book collection (that his kids didn’t even know about until about 8 years after his passing) up as sacred.
‘The thing about things is they can start meaning things nobody actually said.’
According to OP, it sounds like her late husband (whom she never actually divorced and whom she was a caretaker to full time with minimal help and outright hostility from his family) collected many things and their children kept those other various items (probably along with photographs, memories, etc.) So it’s not like this was some fabled, treasured, comic book collection lost to time up until now that he frequently told his children about and promised to give to them.
His kids, and all of the people reacting here, are assigning their own meanings to these things. Their father would most likely have wanted his wife (whom he was distant from due to his illness, not because he wanted a divorce it would seem) and his children to be financially taken care of over keeping 1,000 comic books.
OP said she is literally selling things around her house right now just to make ends meet.
And if OP says her BIL was being underhanded when he gave the kids the comic books I’m going to assume she knows what she’s talking about and has enough experience with him doing underhanded things to judge his actions appropriately.
Be all that as it may, the books belong to her children. It is up to them what they want to do with them, but OP should have a frank discussion with them about her financial situation. For her 19-year-old at the very least to sit on something that could potentially financially help her mother while said mother pays for her living expenses while struggling to take care of her own self is a bit ridiculous.” bix902
Another User Comments:
“To start with, I really don’t like how you were treated by your husband’s family. But this decision may not have been about you, at least not directly. It actually makes perfect sense that BIL made this decision with sentiment in mind and thought the kids would best appreciate their dad’s collection.
If he did have an inkling that you might want to sell them off, I don’t have it in me to call him a jerk for wanting to make sure the kids got access to them first. ‘I want the kids to have things that belonged to their dad’ is not a jerk take from him.
I don’t blame the kids for being unwilling to part with the books. You lost your partner, they lost their dad. It’s normal that they’d want to hold onto as much of him as they can.
That said, you wouldn’t be wrong for explaining the situation to your kids and asking them to help out financially, if they’re able, with or without resorting to selling the books.
You would be the jerk if you try to force the matter if they say no. I do think YTJ here, albeit gently given the circumstances, for you to think that they’re automatically yours. If they were legally accounted for and specifically willed to you, that would clear things up on the legal front, but that feels pretty muddy and I’m no legal expert.
It feels like your insistence on having them stems from financial duress more than anything else. If not for that, I don’t get the feeling you’d think anything of the kids having the comics.
Best of luck to you though, OP. I do not envy your situation.” WinternallyScreaming
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are right, they are your comics. It does kind of depend on what kind of collection it is. If they are all in individual bags then it really is a collection and potentially worth something. If this is the case, let someone appraise the collection first and see if there is anything of real value in there.
Then let the kids pick some favorites and sell the rest. If it’s just piles of stuff it’s less likely but still worth someone taking a look at. Your kids don’t need a HUGE collection of comics to remember dad. And any valuable comics will decrease in value rapidly if handled with the kind of treatment kids naturally give to comics.
You have had a dreadful time, and now some people are being judgemental about you wanting to raise some funds. BIL on the other hand is a grade A1 jerk.” No-Captain-4001
Another User Comments:
“So here’s the thing: you are starting with the faulty assumption that these should be yours in the first place.
these items have been in the in-laws’ possession since well before the husband passed, and from the sound of it, including periods of time when the husband was a minor. As no one ever tried to regain possession of them during any time, it could be argued that inlaws actually became the official owners.
Particularly, after husband’s passing.
Therefore, when Bil was cleaning out his parent’s house, he divided the assets among the adult grandchildren of the descendants. You are not entitled to inherit items from the in-laws.
I get you are hurting financially, but deciding what your adult children should do with their inheritance, particularly, selling and giving you the profits, is ridiculous at best, and nefarious at worst.
YTJ.” StevieB85
