People Expect To Hear From Us After We've Read Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories

“For every holiday, my mother would ask the women in the family (my sisters, sister-in-law, my wife, my female cousins) to send ‘samples’ of the desserts they plan to bring to the celebration for testing and to see if these desserts could make it to the ‘food menu’.

My wife has been complaining about my mother deliberately rejecting every dessert sample she sent. So many times my mother has told her that she’s being honest and keeping the guest’s best interest at heart. Yet my wife still thought that my mother is deliberately excluding her since 2 of her dessert samples were rejected before.

For this year’s Christmas my mother is doing the same thing but this time, she told every woman who is participating to make a ‘cookie sample’ and send it to her for testing. My wife took it as a challenge and to be honest she worked really hard to make a good sample and sent it to my mother days ago and the results just came in yesterday.

I came home from work and found my wife upset. I asked what was wrong and she told me that my mother rejected the sample she sent and decided to exclude her baking from the food list/menu for Christmas this year.

I didn’t know what to say but she then told me she was backing out of the invitation to attend Christmas with my family. I was stunned when I heard her make this statement. I tried to talk to her but she said ‘it was done’.

I called her unreasonable to decide to bail on the whole family over some cookie sample… that’s just freaking crazy and quite unreasonable. We had a full-on argument about it and she stated that my mother caused this but I told her that my mother is pretty serious and careful about the food she offers to the guests since we are going to have relatives coming from all sides of the country.

She told me to stop mentioning it.

Later I heard her cry despite telling her that her baking is amazing and people have preferences, that’s all.

AITJ for insisting that her decision was unreasonable?

Info. If you’re asking whose cookie sample made it to the menu, the answer is my sister and my 2 cousins.

My wife wasn’t the only one whose sample was rejected. We have SIL’s (brother’s wife) and my younger sister’s.

My mother did not force anyone to participate, it was up to whoever wanted to take part.

This is just about the dessert since my mother tends to be very careful in this category but for other types of foods.

Dishes/appetizers/salads/stuff like that is welcome as she stated.

Update: So I just got off the phone with my brother and he told me that his wife is doing the same thing as my wife and that she has decided to back out of the invitation to spend Christmas with family as well.

Turns out my wife must’ve told her about her decision and she decided to follow her lead. My brother is mad saying my wife is encouraging his wife to do this. I see that the problem has just gotten bigger now.

Who knows, my younger sister might join in and decide not to go as well. I don’t know how this got out of control so quickly. I guess we’ll try to have a discussion with my mother about this soon and see how it goes.”

Another User Comments:

“YTJ, of course, you are. The unreasonable thing is your mother having the audacity to ask for the women (and only the women which is very sexist but let’s not even dive into this) to cook something and then giving herself the right to judge them in some kind of exam.

None of you should allow this craziness in the first place. When you ask people to cook for a party, either you take what they bring even if it is not to your ‘standards’, or you simply don’t ask.

By not going, she is trying to protect herself. Not only is it reasonable, but you also have to support her. She is crying about it, she is probably feeling humiliated, and now, alone… please, be there for her.” Squirrel_jle

Another User Comments:

“At the end of the day, everyone should be allowed to bring their dessert. Because MIL might not like it, but others might. Christmas is about sharing with those you love, not creating stress over whose cooking is good enough to be on the table.

Your mother keeps insulting your wife by sending the message that her desserts are not good enough to be featured on her Christmas table. If you genuinely believe your wife’s baking is good, don’t say it, show it.

Call your mum and tell her that she can keep her snobbish tradition, but that you will not stand for disrespect towards your wife and that if she isn’t being respected, you two will not attend

As an aside ‘every woman in the family’, I didn’t know that women were the only ones that baked. Your mum’s attitude stinks of internalized misogyny and trying to bring other women in the family down to retain a sort of weird power.

YTJ” The_Death_Flower

Another User Comments:

“YTJ for indulging and defending this nonsense from your mother. She’s literally invented an excuse to turn every holiday celebration into a way to pit the women in your family against each other and play favorites.

If she wanted complete control over the menu then she could have chosen to cook the entire meal herself, but this way she also gets to exercise control over her daughters, daughters-in-law, and nieces and have everyone falling over themselves trying to please her to prove that their meal is ‘good enough’ to be included. It’s messed up, to be honest.

Good on your wife for refusing to take part in it anymore.

Edit: regarding your last bit of info, if your mother is so particular about desserts then she should make the desserts and have everyone else bring appetizers, dishes, and whatnot since she’s less particular about those.

There’s no non-narcissistic reason for your mother to turn Christmas dessert into a competition for her approval.” RebelScientist

“Partner (nb 52) and I (f 49) grew up in 2 different states in the US. I’m from Ohio, and he’s from NH if it makes a difference (which it might; maybe it’s a regional thing).

My friends and family all have a similar way of communicating with people we’re close to. When a conversation is particularly engaging, it often happens that people will interject excitedly or ‘talk over’ the person speaking, in agreement or exclaim something relevant.

Random example – Person A: ‘I had a dream that I and Lou went to Eat-n-Park to celebrate my new job ‘

Person B: ‘Oh my god, they have the BEST cookies!’

Person A (nodding vehemently): ‘Yeah! So we ordered a salad to share…’

Person C: ‘Oh, that’s right, Lou’s a vegetarian now!’ etc., etc.

Today partner and I were making lunch. We’d been in a great mood, talking about Thanksgiving, what we were going to make, etc. They mentioned, ‘I thought I had to go back to the store this weekend because I couldn’t find pie crust last week’.

I spun around and opened the cabinet and pulled out the crust, and said, ‘I got some yesterday!’ They stopped cold and said, ‘Yes. I remember that now. I was going to say ‘but I remembered you got it yesterday’.

You always do that. It’s like telling the punchline of someone else’s joke.’

Partner apparently did NOT grow up this way. They’ve told me repeatedly that they feel like they ‘never get to finish a sentence’, ‘always interrupting’, and have even said that it feels like ‘telling the punchline to someone else’s joke’.

I felt like I’d just been scolded in front of people. It just completely took all the joy out of the moment. It made me want to completely disengage and not speak again until ‘invited’ to. It hurt my feelings.

I get that (from the way they’re seeing it), it sounds like I’m being rude and deliberately not letting them speak. But from how I was brought up (and how my friends are), to me this is a sign of a GOOD conversation; both people are enjoying it and getting excited, etc. Am I supposed to just sit silently staring at them until they finish speaking and a long pause ensues?

But maybe it’s just super rude and I’m in the wrong. AITJ, or was my partner for shutting me down?”

Another User Comments:

“Well, your partner is not enjoying it. And they have communicated it to you on several occasions.

We know this because you tell us about how they’ve described how they perceive it and how they feel about it.

You have been made aware that your conversation style hurts their feelings. And you keep doing it, because why?

Because you think it shouldn’t hurt their feelings? And somehow that should magically make it not hurt?

And so they have kept telling you. And you have kept ignoring their hurt feelings. And now you – YOU – are hurt, because they didn’t roll over and pretend that their feelings weren’t hurt.

You took the joy out of their moment and you’re complaining that being made aware of this fact took the joy out of your moment. How selfish can you be?

You are hurt because they point out to you that you are KNOWINGLY hurting their feelings.

You know what we call people who knowingly hurt others? Cruel. Abusive. Jerks.

YTJ” JemimaAslana

Another User Comments:

“YTJ 100%, not even because of the interrupting your partner thing (that you decided for some reason to put in air quotes), but because of how incredibly self-centered you are.

It almost sounds like you find your partner boring/uninteresting compared to yourself, and have projected your own past issues onto them even though it’s unfair. But you don’t seem to care about any of that. You just want to be in the spotlight and are waiting for someone to tell you you’re allowed to disrespect your partner the way you were disrespected by your ex.

And since it’ll be a miracle before someone lies to you and feeds your victim complex, you’ve decided to be as whiny as possible about it instead of justacceptingd that you are RUDE and YOU are the one that needs to change.

Past trauma only excuses being a jerk for so long.” GayCompasses

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. You were brought up wrong if you think interrupting people while they are speaking is acceptable. And then, when you are told that your habit is annoying, you try to justify your actions.

It is not a sign of a good conversation when you continually interrupt others. And just because your friends do not remark on it, does not mean that they find it appropriate. Believe me, they find it annoying… And have probably given up trying to correct you on it, based on your frankly childish reaction to being corrected… You want to shut down, and refuse to speak, etc. That sounds more like a child having a tantrum for not having their way to me.

And it suggests to me, that you have behaved this way before when someone called you on it, and this is why your friends have stopped trying to get you to stop. You are manipulating them, just to have your way.

Grow up. Stop interrupting people.

Wait your turn to speak, it’s simple manners. It’s just seconds before you get a turn.

I can tell you right now that it’s annoying and frustrating to deal with someone who can’t keep their mouth shut and wait patiently for their turn to speak.

YTJ. Just to get the point across.” 101037633

“Basically I grew up with and still have a mother that constantly would send ‘we need to talk’ texts with no context. It was usually about something simple but how am I supposed to know?

I get a ‘we need to talk’ and then I spend the rest of the day anxious that something life-changing is going to happen and then she just tells me something light. If I reply asking for a sentence summary of what it will be about I get nothing just ‘we’ll talk.’ So I hate it.

My boss does this crap. My ex did this all the time. My boss would send ‘we need to talk tomorrow’ and wouldn’t give me a hint so I’m anxious all night. I hate it with a passion. How hard is it to say ‘we need to talk about (one sentence summary)’.

One sentence and I get good sleep at night? I don’t just lie there thinking a family member died or someone has a terminal illness or they are upset with me.

Recently I saw a story saying something like ‘next time someone sends me ‘we need to talk’ I’m replying ‘yes, we do…’ and not explaining anything so now we’re both sweating.’ So I’ve started doing this.

My sister sent me the ‘we need to talk’ and I knew if I asked for details I’d get nothing so I just said ‘yeah, we definitely do…’ and when she asked me I just gave her vague answers I’d usually get.

I did it to my mom a few times and each time she would keep texting me and I’d reply vague (like she does). Then she’d call me and ask me what I need to talk about and I ask her what she needed to talk about and she’d say a quick summary of what it was and I’d just say ‘is that so hard?’

After a few times she says I’m being a jerk and causing her unnecessary anxiety (LOL. Ironic) She says it is manipulative and I’m messing with her head. I’ve done it to my sister a couple of times but she caught on and doesn’t do it anymore but still called me a jerk.

My mom seems to not learn and just keeps doing it. But I’m at a point where I’m just not trying to deal with it anymore. Is it immature? Yes but it works. My sister thinks I am being a jerk and my mom does as well.

My partner understands why but thinks it’s kind of jerk-ish of me.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

I like your solution because petty is fun, but there might be a better way of handling it.

Stating the truth about your feelings is irrefutable.

‘When you say ‘we need to talk’ without telling me what it’s about, it makes me think that there’s an emergency of some sort, and I am very anxious until we actually talk. I’m sure that’s not your intention, but that’s the result.’

YOU are the one who has had their feelings jerked around all this time. You need to tell your mother and sister that they are hurting you when they treat you with such a lack of consideration and remind them that it only impacts you because you care about them so much.

EDIT: ‘We need to talk’ is such a loaded phrase. I hate that phrase too!” cleaningmama

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

I think that’s a great way to manage it.

You’ve tried being direct. Many times. They intentionally don’t care and continue to intentionally cause you stress.

You can also limit the conversations. If your mom says she needs to talk and won’t clarify what about, then tell her you’re available for a sit-down coffee next month to talk. When she goes ‘it won’t be that long!’ then let her know she can either tell you now, or she can wait a week and have a week’s worth of things to share with you over coffee.” Ohcrumbcakes

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

I HATE when people do that crap. You’re already texting and it would take a few extra seconds to just say the freaking thing you want to say. Leaving it on a silent, ominous note does nothing but generate anxiety.

If they can’t get the hint or whine about you giving them a taste of the same medicine, start outright saying, ‘Unless you tell me what it’s about now, then no, we won’t talk about it. If it’s important then tell me on a call.

If it’s not important, just text me what it’s about. Your seeing something on TV, being annoyed by something at work, or spotting a cute dog is not a reason to act mysterious. If you have time to text at all, you have time to text what is about.

I’m not playing this ‘we’ll talk later~’ game anymore. It’s not funny or cute and if you do it again and expect me to stress out over it and then listen to the random nonsense it would have taken you a minute more to mention before, I’m going to walk away and you can find someone else to ‘talk to…’ about it’.” Slight_Flamingo_7697

“So my MIL doesn’t have a filter. She shared just about any information told to her. I didn’t want to tell my in-laws I was pregnant before my second trimester, but my husband was so excited to share the news with them.

When we told my in-laws their first reaction was ‘don’t worry we won’t put this on social media’. Okay… well fast forward a few weeks we were visiting them while in town for a wedding.

They had announced to most family and friends I was pregnant without asking us first. I was upset but not much I could do about something that already happened. After the visit, I see my MIL announce she was going to be a grandma on social media.

I was still in my first trimester and worried about a miscarriage. I asked my MIL to check in before announcing my information. Her reaction? ‘I don’t understand, I already told everyone you’re pregnant so why can’t I say it on social media?

I didn’t use your name or anything.’ I explained how we had planned a photo announcement and we were waiting until I was farther along to tell people. She slightly apologized and didn’t talk to me for a few months.

Fast forward to my baby shower. She came to visit and was for the most part fine. When she left I had posted photos from the baby shower with no announcements attached. She then posted our baby’s name and ultrasound photos without asking.

I was LIVID. We specifically asked her not to post his name since we were waiting until he was born to share. I called my husband crying because I had asked his mom several times to let me share baby announcements first and I haven’t gotten to share one first my entire pregnancy.

He called his mom angry explaining she had really messed up. Her response? ‘I feel like I have to walk on eggshells with you two, why does it matter if I put it on the internet if I told everyone his name already?’.

Now she’s planning on staying with us the first two weeks our child is born. But has informed us we hurt her feeling so much she doesn’t plan on helping or talking to us much.

AITJ for not just letting her actions go and keeping the peace?

EDIT: My husband is taking over communication because I don’t feel comfortable talking to my in-laws anymore. They’re still planning on staying for 2 weeks but have an Airbnb. Still not ideal, but they don’t understand why this long visit is overwhelming.

Why do I feel the need to share with them when they consistently disregard my boundaries? A few years ago they helped us with the down payment on our home and I guess even with how inconsiderate they are I feel obligated to try and share my life with them.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You’ve got to get a lid on this before she starts posting every picture she takes or gets of your child. She’s majorly overstepping AND seems to be totally oblivious to any possible harm to you, let alone her future grandchild.

Seriously, whatever your own stance on posting kids’ info online is, you really want to fling some scare material about the long-term consequences of everything online being forever and in the public sphere, as well as the horrific things that can happen to kids or with images of kids from stuff being shared on social media.

Use all the weapons you can to get her to stop taking YOUR choice away about what’s shared about YOU or your child.” Illustrious-Shirt569

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Don’t let her stay with you after you give birth. She’s already shown you that she doesn’t care about boundaries or what you say, so don’t let her ruin more moments.

You’re going to be exhausted, and yes you will need help, but do you truly think that your mil would be there to help? She’s shown who she is, believe her.

Disinvite her, it’s time for her to learn to show you and your husband some respect.

I’m not saying ban her from seeing the baby, I’m just saying don’t let someone you can’t trust around you and your family when you are the most vulnerable you’ve ever been.” TheQueenOfDisco

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, it is perfectly reasonable for the parents to decide what is shared or not on the internet about their child.

Sounds like you need to put MIL on an information diet. Be ready for all that she’ll be posting after your baby is born. Your husband needs to have a serious talk with her otherwise she will continue to stomp over your (I repeat: perfectly reasonable) boundaries regarding YOUR child.

And what exactly is she planning on doing those first two weeks if she’s not talking to you? Sit there and stare at you in silence? Just get baby snuggles but not really help? Do you really want her there?

Did you ask her to come or did she invite herself? Again, your husband needs to handle his mother!” Ok_Pie_5204

“My daughter is in her 20s with a kid of her own and has her own place although I provide them with partial financial support. The baby’s dad is not in the picture but she has a new man.

I adopted ‘May’ out of foster care as a teen, so I didn’t raise her and she has stronger emotional ties to her bio-family which is normal. She almost always spends holidays with bio-family, an SO’s family, or a friend’s family instead of me.

In fact, we’ve only spent a couple of holidays together in the 7 years since she was placed with me. She prefers to stop by, pick up her gifts and leave. She has almost never given me a holiday gift or card although she gives lavishly to her bio-family and her friends’ and partners’ families.

May likes to set me up for humiliation. She likes to make a big deal out of accepting an invitation from me, then not showing up or calling. She likes it best if I’m left with a big bill, an unused ticket, or an empty table.

The more other guests see it, the better she likes it. In fact, enough other people saw her pull that stunt enough times, they got the idea that they should stand me up too, or wander in late whenever. I take a lot of effort to cook a good meal so it sucks to be stood up.

In 2019, the last time I hosted Thanksgiving, May, and her partner stood me up again along with another couple. A third couple showed up 45 minutes after I started putting the food away because nobody was coming. I decided I would never host another holiday meal again.

Instead, I travel like I did before I decided to adopt. I told May that she was an adult and could do what she wanted on holidays but I was not going to let her treat me badly anymore.

This year something came up and had to cancel my travel plans and stay home, but my niece invited me to T-day at her house and I accepted. Yesterday May invited me to T-day at her new partner’s family’s house.

I turned it down because I’d already accepted my niece’s invitation and there was a time conflict. Also, back in 2017 May and a different guy invited me to a holiday dinner at that guy’s family’s house, but they hadn’t told the hostess (whom I had never met).

I showed up uninvited like an idiot with a bottle of wine. I have never met this new guy’s family either so I figure it might be the same prank again. The setup is identical.

I may be the jerk since my daughter is mad and I could have canceled with my niece.

It is also possible that May has matured and wants to share a holiday for real.

Edit: I should spell out that the financial support I provide to May is in the form of supplies for the grandbaby, occasional shared treats like a meal together, and gradual funding of a 529 college education fund for the grandbaby that May cannot access even to check the balance.

I am not handing May . I learned that lesson years ago the hard way. Nor do I lend May anything. Same reason. But I am not going to lie and say I provide no financial support.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

Keep the niece’s rsvp. You committed to her first anyway. But also if your ‘daughter’ wants to mend the relationship, she needs to do it on regular days and not just on holidays. But, to be honest, I doubt she really wants to mend or fix anything for the better.

You may want to consider reducing support to her, she’s an adult and she has other supports she can lean on that appears to be what she prefers anyway.” MsPennyP

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – Have thanksgiving with your niece and enjoy the day.

May has some issues and I can guarantee that she’s designed something to make you look stupid. Even declining the invitation would have her saying you didn’t want to see her. This is something you can’t win.

If she’s in her 20s and you’ve only had her for 7 years this means that she would’ve been at least 15 or 16 when she moved in with you.

Was it a formal adoption? It seems fast, especially as she seems to have a very strong bond with her bio family. To the point where I’m confused why she was placed with you in the first place as it seems that family could’ve taken her in.

The fact she was even in the foster system usually means there’s a big issue somewhere. Does she have any diagnoses?

Regardless, she’s an adult. Time to cut the apron strings to someone that only seems to want to hurt you.

It doesn’t sound like she wants to be your daughter. She just wants to humiliate you and perhaps like the financial support that you give her. Perhaps it’s time to walk away and let her bio family pick up the slack.” KitchenDismal9258

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, you’ve already rsvp’d to another event. You’d be rude to then switch it up to run to an event where you are only being invited by someone who is a guest, AKA someone who shouldn’t be inviting other people along at all, who is more than likely either going to set you up to not be invited or to be disrespected.

Honestly, it sounds like the core issue here is that you should take the money that you are spending on her, and put it towards therapy so you can deal with why you are continuing to run to someone who treats you so poorly and only has a relationship with you based on money.

You need to go no contact, put in the work toward that.” JCBashBash

“My brother and his wife have two toddlers aged 3 and 2.

Due to a recent divorce and financial difficulties, I’ve been living with my brother and his wife for the past couple of months.

His wife is not a fan of me staying with them but she tolerates my presence for the sake of my brother. That though doesn’t stop her from ordering me around the house and assigning me things to do as I’m her personal servant.

My brother defends her treating me like that and claims I should do my part too. I already do. But he claims that I don’t do enough as a person who lives here too.

To the point.

My brother’s wife had a horrible stomach ache the other day and my brother wanted to take her to the doctor.

They asked me to watch the kids for a couple of hours until they come back and I refused. I said I don’t want to have this responsibility and that they should either take the kids with them, call an ambulance so his wife can go to the hospital and he can stay with the kids, or call our parents or her parents for help.

My brother said ‘but you’re right here and we are in urgent need, please.’ I refused again. I said not my kids, not my problem.

They ended up taking the kids and driving them to my parents until they came back.

My parents called me and said I was being ridiculous for refusing to help. I reminded them that I’m not responsible for these kids and I don’t have to be. We had an argument about it and they said my brother is very mad and I should be on my knees apologizing to him and his wife when they return.

They came home and my brother told me I have two days to pack my stuff and find somewhere else to live because he was done with me being a parasite in his own house and villainizing him or his wife for expecting the slightest help and contribution around the house and that I crossed the line when in time of emergency I put my ego above their need for help.

I defended myself and I honestly don’t believe I did something wrong, I said they have the right to disagree but they have to respect my thoughts and feelings on this as well. He insisted I have two days to either get myself together or leave.

I called my parents crying about what my brother and his wife were about to do and they sided with them and said I had it coming. Was I really a jerk?”

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. You are living there rent-free.

The least you can do is watch the kids when someone in the house has a medical emergency. Your parents were right – you should have been on your knees apologizing to them when they got back.

Sure, you had the right to say ‘no’ when you were asked, and they had the right to no longer let you live with them.

If your brother was your only choice – this meant that you should have realized that they had a certain power over you since you needed them more than they needed you.

I suggest you stop calling your parents and start finding another place to live.

You’ve completely burnt this bridge.” bamf1701

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. Most people don’t want to watch someone else’s kids. Yeah, it’s not super fun. But ‘not my kids, not my problem’ doesn’t go over as well when you are staying with them in your time of need. Obviously, if the wife is treating you poorly and expecting more from you than you think is reasonable, then you can have a conversation with them about it and get more clarification on what the expectations are and what your boundaries are.

But ultimately, it is their house and you are there out of their (or your brother’s) desire to help you. If you can’t accept their rules/expectations, you can always leave. And this particular instance was not an unreasonable ask.

You don’t need to be excited about it, but watching a family member’s kids for a couple of hours during an emergency is not an unreasonable request. And when you’re literally in their house, it is hard to argue that you have no responsibility to be helpful.

Unless you are paying rent (which I assumed you are not since it wasn’t mentioned) and have made clear that you will never watch their kids, it is reasonable for them to ask and to be frustrated if you refuse.” Archaea-a87

Another User Comments:

“YTJ

There’s no such thing as a free lunch. You start off with a certain amount of goodwill with your brother and his family, but every tiny negative thing you do drains off a little bit out of the goodwill account.

Unless you regularly make deposits that benefit your brother and his family, whether by doing chores (without being told to), being a pleasant housemate, doing them favors, or otherwise making their lives easier and better, the goodwill account eventually gets to zero.

When that happens, the people who have had to put up with your nonsense are completely over it and if you don’t get out of their lives they will soon hate your guts. They may already be there. Crying to your parents isn’t going to do much.

Even if your parents convinced your brother to let you stay, they can’t pay off your goodwill debt and you’ll be staying with people who don’t like you and don’t want you there.

Go get yourself together somewhere else and remember next time that even if it seems like something is free and you’re entitled to it because you’re sad or broke or hot or whatever, it’s never free.

You pay for everything, one way or another. If you can’t pay for it with money or effort then you pay for it with loss of goodwill and reputation.” munkymu

“We have a cat that is about 7 months old. We recently found out that he likes his litter really clean.

A few days ago he peed on our bed right before my wife left for work.

I was already at work and could only offer her moral support over the phone. So she stripped the sheets off the bed and threw them in a clothes hamper in the closet. I had a few shirts and pairs of shorts scattered across our bedroom, so I asked my wife to just throw my clothes in a closet, or bedroom – just somewhere the cat couldn’t get to them.

I come home from work a few hours later and our apartment reeks of cat pee. I go into our bedroom to look at where the car peed on our bed and I see my clothes in a pile in the corner… and they were wet with cat pee.

I was furious. I asked my wife to put my clothes somewhere where they wouldn’t get peed on. But she just put everything in a corner. I called her and told her how mad I was and asked why she thought just putting my clothes in the corner was a good idea.

She just told me she was sorry and that I was being mean to her.

I called her after I had calmed down and I apologized to her. But looking back a few days later, I think I was justified in being mad, she says she made a simple mistake and I shouldn’t be upset.

So, AITJ?

EDIT: So, a few shirts and a couple of pairs of shorts on the floor make me the jerk? Everybody else always puts all their clothes away? I guess my wife really is the jerk too because she does the same thing.

My clothes just got peed on.

My wife and my vet say two large litter boxes cleaned once a week are fine. The apartment doesn’t smell bad at all the way we do it.

I did not get re-mad at her.

I’ve been thinking about it for a few days because I’m trying to learn from my mistakes. But I do think I’m justified in being mad because she knew our cat had a pee problem and I have no idea why just shoving clothes in a corner would keep the cat from peeing on them.”

Another User Comments:

“YTJ

Listen, if you know the cat pees on stuff, then don’t leave stuff out if you don’t want it peed on. Your wife isn’t the only one who knows the cat pees on things, isn’t the one who put your clothes out in the first place, and didn’t tell the cat to go pee on your clothes.

Shouting at or blaming her doesn’t get your clothes un-peed on, either

Take it, learn from it, put your stuff in the wash, and sigh about how you’ll make sure you remember to put your stuff somewhere covered next time.

Then repeat this in a week when you inevitably forget and the cat pees on your stuff again.

I do get your frustration, I do. We have a fussy cat who will pee on anything if one of the other cats dumps in the various litter boxes before her.

I’ve forgotten jackets out before and been infuriated to find them damp after work. Bad things happen, and it’s annoying. But I promise you, turning it into a needless fight won’t help.” MelodicScream

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here.

I understand why you would be mad given you did make a simple request of her.

It was poor planning on her part…

BUT

Poor planning on your end does not constitute an emergency on her end.

You know you have a cat who pees if the litter box isn’t extra clean. It only takes maybe a minute each day to put your used clothes in a hamper.

You’re an adult. Also, unless you have an allergy then you can help clean the litter boxes more often. Regardless of what the vet says, some cats have personalities that don’t wait a week for cleaning.” bloodsong07

Another User Comments:

“YTJ.

She was also trying to leave for work (or somewhere since she wasn’t home when you got home) and had to deal with this situation quickly. You weren’t there, so you don’t get to yell at her for not doing everything perfectly.

And yes, you are a jerk for leaving clothes on the floor. One item, sure, but you have multiple items strewn on the floor with a cat you KNOW is not using the litter box properly, and even if you didn’t, this is the result of you being messy and you don’t get to pass that blame on to her.

And by the way, this was an accident all the way around. You both are still figuring out your cat’s issues, you were at work so couldn’t help, and your wife did the best she could. No one got harmed or was injured, you just need to do some laundry.

But instead of just being like ‘thanks for doing the best you could babe, I know this morning was rough’ you were selfish and even called her while she wasn’t even home yet to yell at her, over some cat pee on clothes you don’t even care enough about to hang up.

You yelling at her is what makes you the jerk. What you should have done is just pick up the clothes and start a load of laundry, knowing your wife already had to deal with a mess this morning.” mfruitfly

“I (27F) have lupus. For those who don’t know, it’s a chronic auto-immune condition, it causes a variety of symptoms. For me, one of my many symptoms is that I have very stubborn red rashes on my face, arms, and chest. From an outsider’s perspective, they just look like really severe acne.

I’m quite self-conscious about them but I try not to let my skin stop me from wearing what I want or being in photos.

Anyway, a couple of weeks ago, my parents held a family dinner.

My brother (30M) has a wife, Kat (29F).

Over the years, Kat has become your stereotypical crunchy Pinterest mom. I don’t dislike Kat as a person but this situation has gotten me very angry at her.

So at the dinner, the conversation topic turns to babies and children.

Kat starts talking about how she’s so glad she can make ‘liquid gold’ (breastmilk) and starts talking about how she puts leftover milk milk in her body lotion and it got rid of her stretch marks and goes on about how it’s a magical cure for everything.

In the middle of her talking, Kat starts making really uncomfortable eye contact with me and I can see she keeps looking at my rashes. Kat points at the rashes on my face and says to everyone that she’ll ‘offer’ me some of her milk to get rid of my ‘acne’.

I told Kat it was not acne and asked her to please stop talking about it. For context, I didn’t start having symptoms until my early 20s and my family is still skeptical about my diagnosis and thinks there’s nothing wrong with me, so no one else defended me.

Kat wouldn’t drop it and told me I have nothing to be ashamed of and to just take her milk and to ‘trust the process’. I politely declined and said that I’m pretty sure her milk won’t make it better, and I’m sure she can find a better use for it.

Kat still wouldn’t let it go and went on and on about this miracle cure and how powerful it is and how it’ll ‘restore’ my skin and started blabbering about some woman on Instagram curing her eczema with breastmilk. I lost my temper.

I told her to shut up and that her bodily fluids aren’t going to cure my autoimmune disease, and told her to keep her milk to herself.

Kat started yelling at me and called me an ungrateful witch, then started crying and my brother took her into another room and comforted her.

My parents were really mad and told me to leave and said I need to learn how to be nice and act like an adult.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

In any normal family offering your breast milk to anyone other than the kid you’re feeding is well out of line.

That she continued to press after you declined is not OK.

However, I don’t think it was super necessary to jump to swearing that quickly. I get why you did but a firm ‘I’ve said no and I’m not discussing this further.’ Might have been worth a try before telling her to shut up.

Also, your family sucks for not having your back here, even taking into account their skepticism of your lupus, the breast milk thing is weird and intrusive enough that they should know you’re not in the wrong. They also suck for being skeptical of your disability.” whatisthismuppetry

Another User Comments:

“So, Kat is allowed to provoke you, disrespect you, and when you repeatedly say ‘no’ in polite ways, she gets to keep on telling you and insisting that you comply with her demand for you? But if you get upset, after repeated provocations, it’s YOU that does the wrong?

Your parents need a dozen therapy sessions on how to respect you and how to not let the grandkid’s mom get away with this level of rudeness and emotional mistreatment.

Your parents ought to have been mad at Kat and told her to stop, long before you lost your temper.

You had a right to lose your temper when someone is belittling you, insulting you, dismissing your adult decisions and your own medical history and knowledge about yourself and your issues, dismissing all politeness and kindness and compassion towards you, and humiliating you in public.

Kat was emotionally abusive and your parents got mad at you for objecting.

You did act like an adult. The only adult there, because you stood up for yourself against an abusive person who was using the idea of helping as a way to hurt you and disrespect you and treat you as if she was your mother, not another adult.

The rest of them all acted like children, protecting the bully.

Honestly, I’d seriously consider having some ‘Social flu’ or something during the next few holidays, if they are treating you this way. ‘Sorry, can’t come to the party today, I have the flu, oh, gotta go puke again, bye’.” blueberryyogurtcup

Another User Comments:

“Lupus is varying in degree of presentation and severity, is difficult to live with, and should not be ignored or downplayed just because of late diagnosis. You have my sympathy for both the ignorance of your family and their reaction to you making clear that SIL can keep her breastmilk to drink, gift, or pour over her body and dance with the devil in the pale moonlight…

However, please take this gift you have been given by your parents when they kicked you out and refuse to let you return until you apologize. You are now FREE! Don’t apologize – you did nothing wrong – and find a multitude of choices to occupy your (holiday, weekday, first Tuesday, next Monday, etc) time away from your ‘family.’ Take this gift to create a new ‘family’ that is respectful of you and actually fun and enjoyable to be around.

Massively NTJ.” respectladykk

“I (19F) live with my parents.

My sister (25) and her partner (27) are currently visiting with their 3-year-old, it’s been super hectic but whatever because they’ve usually been decent houseguests.

My parents have their own bathroom, and since it’s usually just me at home I usually have the bathroom on the landing, and I keep my towel on the radiator in there.

Sister and BIL have been here about two weeks, two more weeks then they leave, and I’ve been helping them out with childcare so they can go out.

But one time I’d walked out of my room, late at night and saw BIL walk out of the bathroom in my towel! They were given guest’s towels, totally different colors from mine.

And he didn’t even wash it because less than 20 minutes later it was back in my bathroom, now I’ve questioned every time the towel has been damp (I figured it was just me using it?)

I complained, no apology but said it wouldn’t happen again but it did, or I’ll go to use it and I’ll be wet and I know it wasn’t me.

I just don’t know who uses other people’s towels?

I told my sister and BIL that until they, or rather he, stops using my towel they can stop expecting me to be a babysitter.

Sister said I’m overreacting etc, that it’s unrelated and sometimes BIL just forgets his towel (what like 4-5 times in two weeks?)

My mother thinks I’m being a jerk (although she always takes my sister’s side) because I could always just wash my towel, and for the sake of keeping the peace for a week since it also isn’t my home so I shouldn’t be starting drama.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

I believe you are right and it’s unacceptable for him to be using your towel. It’s also gross. I wouldn’t want to use it after he rubbed it all over his body and it sounds like the family is ganging up on you.

It’s also gross that he walks around the house in a towel.

Since you’re not getting anywhere with complaining, I suggest you keep your towel in your bedroom while they are there. I would still refuse to babysit for them since they seem to think it’s okay to stomp on your boundaries and feelings.” tatersprout

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. BIL is a creep! Your parents are the jerk for not letting you assert a completely reasonable and healthy boundary, and it sounds like they enabled your sister into being an entitled jerk as well. I hope you can get out of there one day because sacrificing your boundaries for someone else’s peace of mind is not cool.

Maybe if you tried leaving your towel out of the bathroom you would see a different response from your BIL. If he starts walking around without clothes and uses the fact that he forgot his towel as an excuse, he’s even more of an exhibitionist predator than originally thought.

Also, you do not owe your sis free babysitting! Entitled parents are the worst, and everyone suffers because of it.” tr0llhunting

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – Using someone else’s towel is disgusting and your mother is an enabling jerk because washing the towel isn’t the issue – it’s that you have no idea what the towel has been through.

Under the circumstances, I would not leave any towels in the shared bathroom but just take them into your bedroom and bring them into the bathroom when you need them. You can leave a roll of paper towels in there in the event that you forget to bring in a towel when you need to wash your hands.

And since you are offering your services free as a favor there is no reason you need to do anyone a favor. Don’t babysit for them if you don’t want – you don’t have to say it is in retaliation for his using your towels.” Jujulabee

“I’m 23f and I have a younger brother as well (21m). Growing up our dad would always call us the worst cuss words possible. I’ve been called a jerk, worthless, and flirt, I’ve been told to get lost, and other stuff like that.

All that over nothing. He’d just wake up in a bad mood and start cussing us out. Never my mom though. He worships her.

Mom doesn’t cuss us out but never calls dad out on his behavior either and she stays neutral which enables him.

I’ve developed anxiety and depression due to his behavior, and so has my brother and we both attended therapy for years.

We’ve moved out of their house and we live on our own. I live with my fiancé and my brother lives with his friend.

We barely have any contact with mom and dad anymore and they’re wondering why. We’ve made it clear multiple times how their actions have hurt us and driven us away but still insist to have no clue.

Anyway flash forward to a couple of days ago when we had a family reunion with multiple cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. That was at my aunt’s house, my dad’s sister’s.

Out of nowhere, dad started cussing me out as a worthless jerk because I didn’t serve my fiancé a plate and he did it himself.

He kept going on about it and I kept ignoring him. Nobody called him out on his actions.

Everyone just acted like what he did was normal. Mom also laughed at his insults. No consequences for his actions at all.

As he kept going I straight up told him ‘if you keep acting like a jerk I’ll have no choice but to leave because I’m tired of you’.

That’s what I said. And chaos broke through. Everyone. Literally, everyone suddenly remembered to call me out for daring to speak to my dad like that, my dad who made sacrifices to raise me. I was called ungrateful, spoilt, lacking manners, etc by the entire family except for my brother and a couple of cousins who sided with me.

I then left with my fiancé and brother. People kept bombarding me with texts and calls about how I should apologize not just to my dad but to the entire family for being so disrespectful and even if my dad was wrong, I escalated it by insulting him back instead of being the bigger person.

I don’t believe I’m a jerk but I’d like to know a more unbiased POV on this situation.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. No way, no how. Your therapist has probably already told you this, but I’m saying it here in case anyone else reading this who might be suffering this way will know: YOU.

WERE. MISTREATED.

Verbal aggression is wrong. Words can sting as much as any belt. The scars they leave will probably, I’m sorry to say, be with you your whole life.

Your mother stood by and let you be mistreated. She does not get a pass because she didn’t join in any more than she would if your father had been hurting you.

Your extended family stood by and let you be mistreated. If any of them reaches out to berate you again, simply say, ‘Dad’s been awful to me my whole life. No one stood up for me, so now I’m standing up for myself.’ Then block them.” User

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Funny how people get so very angry when we treat them the way they treat us. You’re an adult now, so his control over you is done. Your family can all dump in the ocean if they’re fine with you being treated this way.

And your mom doesn’t enable it. She agrees. She thinks it’s funny. She finds pleasure in you being treated this way. She thinks what he’s doing is fun, but she doesn’t want to sully her hands by doing it herself, so she lets him do it.

Your best course is to remove these people from your life. Block. Ignore. Drive them all out and give you and your brother permission to live free of their filthy attitudes. They don’t treat you like family, so they aren’t family.

NTJ” kevwelch

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

They are ‘family’ purely based on the biological definition. OP, it sounds to me that not a single person in your family contributes anything positive to your life.

You are allowed to let them go op.

That doesn’t make you a bad person. This comes from someone who has a psychologically abusive parent themselves.

It is better to be vocal about your reasons than to let them lie to themselves and cast you down.

Every time if they force contact on you keep telling your dad the same thing ‘Your kids don’t like you because you’re a jerk to us.

Period. So until you get help for your obvious mental issues I have 0 desire to speak with you.’

Any excuse or rage should be met with blocking. The beautiful thing about the 20th century is that when our parents are toxic we have the vast majority of control over how much they can contact you.” snailranchero

“So as for the division of labor in our household roughly breaks down to 80% of household cleaning is on me and about 80% of the childcare is on her.

I recently got promoted a work, which came with a decent bump in salary. This upped our weekly personal money. I decided to use my bump on hiring a cleaning lady to come once a week for 4 hours. She has some personal debts she wants to get rid of with her bump.

I looked at it as buying time with the kid (taking some pressure off her) and hobbies as I would have more free time.

My wife saw the cleaning lady as more of a nanny than a cleaning lady. She typically would take the kid to the store with her, but for the past few weeks has left the kid with the cleaning lady as she went to the store and did errands.

This has drastically reduced her effectiveness at cleaning what I’m paying her to do.

I have told her either needs to pay me back which would be difficult or to start more cleaning in return. She doesn’t see a problem with our division of labor, and I should just clean like I always do.

AITJ for asking her to clean even though it’s on my chore list?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, your cleaner isn’t a nanny and if I was the cleaner and could afford it I’d fire you as a client.

She’s also not got insurance if something goes wrong. If she wants you to hire a nanny instead that’s a different conversation between you two. You ‘automated’ your chore list and she’s disrupting that. Time is money so if she’s disrespecting the money you’re paying the cleaner then she’s disrespecting your chore time.” Key_Editor9374

Another User Comments:

“YTJ for not discussing this with your wife, in advance, as well as the implications and expectations for how it will play out.

Also, you buy your way out of chores, because you got a raise while doing nothing to even out the household tasks (both cleaning and childcare) for both of you as a couple, is going to be stressful for your wife, as she keeps working as hard as ever while seeing you have time to relax.

Bringing in outside household help is absolutely a decision that requires good communication between household partners. You and your wife have a communication issue.

Perhaps couples counseling would help, for learning how to discuss changes to the household in advance.” Jazzlike_Humor3340

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, your wife is a jerk for seeing a professional at work and just deciding that they are childcare. Like that is so disrespectful to the cleaning lady you hired. You should absolutely apologize to the cleaning lady and make sure that she knows that she is absolutely allowed to tell your wife that that is unacceptable, and she shouldn’t even be in that position in the first place but still she’s allowed to stand up for herself.

This isn’t a division of labor issue here, it’s that your wife is being disrespectful to another person who is hired to do a job. If she left your kid with an HVAC worker that would be a problem, it is the same with the cleaning lady.

Don’t make it equivalent about money, make it about how your wife is being disrespectful.” JCBashBash

Another User Comments:

“She cannot leave kids with the cleaning lady. Everyone sucks here for having a division of labor that is 80% cleaning and 80% kids for each parent.

Kids need 8 hours of care when they aren’t sleeping or in daycare. It sounds like cleaning is only adding up to about 30 minutes a day.

Obviously, if she’s not working, you can account for this. But she still needs what you have: paid days off and financial freedom around her work-from-home schedule.

I say hire an actual nanny to clean and do child care half the time. Anything she can’t do to make up your 50%, you’ll fill in. Your wife can take care of her 50%.” User

“I was having an awful time trying to breastfeed my son in the beginning. I was close to giving up until my husband’s cousin helped me.

I usually go into a different room to feed my son but when he was hungry, she told everybody else to leave.

My husband was the only one who didn’t leave but he did get everybody else to go. His cousin told him he was stressing me out and making it hard for our son to feed so he had to go too.

The thing that finally made him go was after she said he was letting his ego starve our son. He asked me after if he was stressing me out and when I said no, he got angry at me for not saying anything to his cousin when she was accusing him of doing exactly that.

He’s angry at his cousin too for speaking to him rudely in his own home and for kicking him out, and at me for letting her and not saying anything. His cousin has been getting a lot of criticism from their family for being disrespectful but I’ve been defending her which I think is making him and everybody else more upset with me.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“YTJ but not because you didn’t defend your husband, but for just not saying anything at all and being non-confrontational to the point where it’s causing a rift in your family. It’s okay to take a side every once in a while.

If you want your husband to stay, say that. If you would prefer he leaves for whatever reason, say that. But don’t take everyone’s side behind closed doors and nobody’s side when it matters.” HabitualEnthusiast

Another User Comments:

“Massive YTJ. I am a woman and yet it worries me how often I see mothers excluding and/or reducing the father’s role. He has just as much right to your child as you do. It should be an equal partnership with open communication and decision-making.

If he was stressing you out during breastfeeding, that is a different conversation. But the cousin should definitely not have been involved and you were very much the jerk for not only allowing her to be part of the conversation but actively defending her over your husband.

Your husband was accused of neglect and you did not stand by or defend him. Nothing in your story suggests he has neglected your child. This accusation is dangerous and frankly disgusting. I would be ashamed of both you and the cousin.

I worry not only about your marriage moving forward but about how your poor decision-making will impact the paternal bond your husband has with his child.

You should massively apologize to your husband, tell your cousin-in-law to butt out of your family situation and work on co-parenting your child as a family unit.

Being a mother does not automatically give you the right to lone parent your child. Remember that. Sometimes, the father is the better choice. As far as this post goes, he has never falsely accused you of neglecting your own child.” confused-88

Another User Comments:

“YTJ

You allowed the cousin to accuse your husband of something he wasn’t doing. You stated in a comment that he wasn’t stressing you out.

He was helping you out, by getting everyone to leave. He is your support person, he is the one who is going to be around when your cousin is not, he should have been allowed to stay and watch what was happening so that if it happened again he could help.

Especially since he wasn’t the one who was stressing you out.

But instead, you allowed her to accuse him of starving his child, be disrespectful to him in his own home, and didn’t speak up and say anything. And now you won’t apologize.

Yes, you are the one who gave birth and has to breastfeed, but he is just as stressed, as you are, this is all new for him too, and it sounds like he is trying to be a great father and husband and help out.

Apologize to the man, and stop taking up for the cousin.” Whiskeygirl81

“We are all close friends and 32F.

I had broken up with my ex 4 years ago and have not spoken about my romantic life since then because it was a messy breakup and while my friends were there for me, now I wish I didn’t share so much about it because it was painful and embarrassing.

Ava loves to talk about dirty stuff and while I was in a relationship with my ex I would share some things if she asked questions but never would go into any detail. Our other friend, Harper, would share even less.

Yesterday I went out to dinner with Ava and Harper for my birthday. Halfway through dinner, out of nowhere, Ava looks at me, points at me, and goes, ‘when was the last time you got laid?’ and tapped her chin while looking at me.

I was like, ‘what? I am not answering that.’ Ava got offended. She gets trying to press me to get an answer. Harper said, ‘She doesn’t want to answer that.’ Ava let it go but then she asked again half an hour later and I told her to stop.

I said you are not listening to me and I am getting upset.

Ava has her feelings hurt now because she doesn’t understand why I don’t want to share this information with her and I feel so annoyed. Just because Ava overshares everything about her personal life doesn’t mean everyone has to.

I guess she was wondering if I hadn’t gotten laid in 4 years but that’s none of her business, in my opinion. But AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“This is a simple black and white case of you are NTJ. You shouldn’t even question it.

You never have to tell anybody anything, and if they don’t like it they are free to walk away. What might have happened is that you felt pressured (because she was pressuring you) and you might have had an internal struggle between doing what was right for you and not upsetting your friend.

The truth is, a friend doesn’t pry and expect or demand any details about your life.

When you get used to saying no to people, you become calmer at just giving them a hint of a smile and saying nothing.

You say no only once, then push the ball back into their corner as if to say ‘now what are you gonna do?’. Going silent on people whilst still engaging with them is quite a fun thing to do when you know, and they know that you know – they aren’t being cool.

But it takes practice. I’m a woman, and I’m not speaking for men or other genders, but it is a major problem that females have growing up and simply for the rest of their lives if they don’t learn how to say no and be comfortable with it.

Once you do it, it’s like a new freedom.

People start to respect you because they see the confidence behind it (instead of pushing you) Then you realize you can say no to people on the street if you are busy, say no to people on the phone if you’re not interested, say no to men who are talking to you in a way you don’t enjoy, say no to friends who aren’t willing to learn and respect and honor who you are.

You can say no, all day long! Obviously… That’s gonna be a crappy day but, I just mean when you don’t feel pressured anymore, you feel like a BOSS woman! No regrets, no nothing doubt. People can handle it! So long as you know you are not doing anything wrong.” islaisla

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, I mean it sounds like you’re blaming yourself for her intrusions on your privacy when you in no way set up a dynamic where she is allowed to demand your personal information.

Basically, this reads as Ava being rude and has been for a while because she finds personal information very satisfying.

So she has been selfishly chasing her desire to not only talk about all of her business but intrude on other people’s as well. If she’s coming up to you now to try and guilt trip you for not giving her what she wanted, you need to clearly lean back and tell her.

‘You don’t have the right to demand this information from me. I gave you my answer, I shouldn’t have had to say it a second time. Don’t ask me about my personal information anymore. And I don’t want to hear about all of your dirty details anymore.

If you don’t like that, we don’t have to hang out’.” JCBashBash

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

I suspect the only reason Ava asked this question was ‘so you can ask her’. The same question and so she could begin to boast about it and in turn lord over the subject, but when you refused to engage Ava has to shift her ground and find another reason as to why the dynamic isn’t going her way, I often find people who cannot help to avoid a specific topic often holds deep-rooted inadequacies and anxieties about the topic in a vain attempt to display confidence where there is in fact a lack off, after all, if they talk about it all the time they must be comfortable about it, right?

It’s a defensive mechanism to hide away how they truly feel about something, in this case, intimacy.

If she does it again do exactly what you did before and rinse and repeat as and when needed, she’ll learn in time or eventually find someone else to vent this particular topic with.” Silverorange1

“My son passed away earlier this year. I’m not doing great with socializing right now but for my kids, I do try. But I have one friend whose little 3-year-old boy asks me every time I see him if my son is still gone.

I always get down on his level and gently say ‘yes he is.’ Then her son starts the questions. ‘Do you miss him?’ ‘Are you sad?’ ‘Why did he pass away?’ ‘Where is he buried?’ Then he’s fine and gets on with the day.

They are innocent questions and I know this, but it takes all the energy I put into socializing just to answer. So lately I’ve been avoiding her.

She noticed and asked why and I explained as nicely as possible that those questions are small to her but not to me.

So now she’s upset because she said ‘eventually he’ll stop if he sees you more’ but now with Thanksgiving, then Christmas I just can’t. I’m not trying to blame a child and I’m not mad at anyone. I could go more and just******* up because I love my friend and her kids and so do my kids.

But it just seems like it’s easier right now to avoid the situation. My friend is a single mom so I know she relies on me to help her out sometimes and give her a much-needed break.

So AITJ?

Edit because I forgot to add, my whole family, is in therapy so that’s already happening.

And I’m not trying to get sympathy, this is genuinely troubling my conscience because she truly does love and want to support us

Edit 2 just to clarify, she’s usually out of the room when he does this. She has 7 kids so she leaves the door unlocked so I can let myself in since she’s usually in the middle of something.

One more edit, sorry!: I do want to clarify that when this happened my friend hired a babysitter for her kids so she could come to be with me during the day and she hired one for the viewing so she could say goodbye to him too but also support my husband and me and she then took my kids after they had said goodbye and took them to get ice cream and go to the park so both my husband and I could stay longer to be with him one last time.

Her getting upset about this is completely out of character for her so I’m chalking it up to her having her own stresses and grief. She was the first one to meet him as a baby after we did and she’s always adored him and I know she’s struggling with it too.

Really Last Edit I promise. I thought of giving her little boy something of my son’s that he can have, because that may help him remember each time that while my son is gone, he’s still with us. I spoke with my two other children and they helped me pick out something that is age appropriate but an interest he used to take with him.

With the object always being there it may cement that my son’s not coming back but here’s something that he can hold on to.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

You lost a child, you are at the center of grieving that loss, and no one around you gets to prioritize their needs or feelings about it, including a child.

You aren’t being rude or cruel, you just can’t handle those interactions right now, and that is totally fine. It isn’t up to you to make HER child feel better and eventually stop, you take care of yourself and she can handle her own child.

Here is what I need you to hear. If I was that friend, I would first notice those questions and interject them so you didn’t have to answer them. If I didn’t notice and you told me – in the very nicest way that you did in your story – I would immediately tell you that I am sorry I didn’t notice, and I totally understand that you need space AND I will also talk to my kid so hopefully, it stops, and if it doesn’t stop, I will handle it.

The whole conversation doesn’t have to be mean or rude or uncomfortable, because it is about helping people who are grieving and no one is doing anything wrong, things just need to be different. And that is okay!

And I can’t help but point out that all the reasons you feel bad are about how she needs help and relies on you.

There is nothing about how she has been a great friend, nothing about what she is willing to do for you, just that HER life is easier when you repress your feelings and suck them up.

Please take the time you need to grieve, and you are doing nothing wrong by wanting to avoid some painful reminders/convos right now.

It is okay to put yourself first sometimes, and this barely even counts as that.” mfruitfly

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

The thing is, children often don’t realize that their questions can be hurtful or upsetting, and don’t have the necessary filters to navigate making sense of the world.

This 3-year-old is trying to understand the concept of passing away, and from his standpoint, he needs more information. However, this is information his mother and father should be giving him rather than relying on someone grieving. There are tons of books for toddlers that discuss death and losing a loved one, and it would be a good investment for the parents.

That said, because he doesn’t understand, he is probably going to open wounds, and you need to do what’s best for your mental health.

Your friend shouldn’t be downplaying your suffering and should be taking steps to fix the issue rather than acting like it’s something you need to do.” TinyRascalSaurus

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

But your friend absolutely is.

You’ve told her that her child is doing something that greatly upsets you and is unbearable, and her solution is that you should just******* up and wait til it blows over.

That’s just not how parenting works and letting the kid continue to hurt you, no matter how unintentionally it is, is not only cruel to you but it’s also damaging to him.

He has to learn how to navigate this world and that’s not done by letting him hurt other people until he gets tired of it.

If we all adopted that parenting style the world would be filled with psychopaths in no time.” Stuebirken

“I (M23) had issues with my dad after my mom passed away and my stepmom came along. I hated a lot of decisions that were made, but what left a long-lasting impact was taking my college fund to pay for my stepbrother’s surgeries.

Unfortunately, he’s gone (passed away last year at the age of 16 from a chronic heart problem). I put my distance but still see my grandparents and uncles, aunts, cousins, etc.

With the holiday season coming up, dad started talking to me through some relatives – close relatives.

He went on about his overwhelming feelings of loneliness, and his upcoming divorce and invited me to spend Christmas with him because he was alone and heartbroken. As a response, I told him I’ll GLADLY spend Christmas with him if he gives back my college fund in a form of a Christmas gift. He and the others didn’t like my response.

He thought this was harsh and my relatives said that I was a judgemental, petty, greedy jerk to say this to him after he’s lost so much. They said he did all he could to save his stepson’s (my stepbrother) life which they described as ‘noble’ and that he doesn’t owe me a thing.

I went home after a big argument with my uncle who came at me for what I said.

Now I feel awful. Maybe I should’ve just calmly, politely declined the invite and not said this to him and made him feel guilty for how he handled my stepbrother’s situation.

EDIT: The fund was made by my dad, mom was a stay-at-home mom and didn’t work but they both agreed that this fund would go toward my education.

I was able to get into college, I started working to pay my way, and had some relatives help but my uncle did so much for me which is why I said I felt like trash when he berated me.

He holds a special place in my life and he’s the last person I want to disappoint or let down.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. If the college fund were joint funds from both him and your mom. How involved were you with the decision to give up your fund?

Was his bio dad involved in helping to pay for his surgeries? These are very pertinent questions.

It appears his father was okay with him not being in the picture until he was alone. That alone makes him not the jerk.

Yes, it is unfortunate another child was ill and wound up dying. He potentially had two involved parents. His father showed he didn’t have his best interest in mind after his mother died. OP is allowed to his feelings and his grievances.

Did anyone else in the family help support his higher education? And his wife is divorcing him after losing her child. which unfortunately is very normal.” Soon_trvl4evr

Another User Comments:

“YTJ for saying it’s all about the money.

No one owes you a college fund – so get off your high horse with that. It’s great that the plan was for you to have one. But what you’re basically saying is screw your stepbrother and sacrificing his medical care – you want free college.

Plenty of people don’t have the option to go to college and have it paid for yet they somehow find a way and don’t blame everyone else. Now if your issues with your Dad stem from resentment of feeling like he chose another family or your stepbrother over you, that would be different and I might change to ‘no jerks here’.

But he’s lost one cand hild, is losing his spouse, and now you’re cutting him off over money that you didn’t contribute to and therefore have no say over. It was his money and he can decide what to do with it.

He chose to try and SAVE YOUR STEPBROTHER’S LIFE.” cheesecake2023

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here.

This is a very difficult situation morally and ethically.

Your dad did do a noble thing in trying to save your stepbrother but the cost of that decision was to make someone else struggle – you.

From the information in your story, it also seems that some of those ‘decisions’ he (your dad) made also had a direct impact on how your life progressed after the passing of your mother. Still, he made a choice and he needs to live with the consequences which include his wife leaving him and him being alone now.

You could have been less harsh about it and just said ‘thank you, but no.’ And if pressed, just say that you have unresolved issues from your time under his roof and you aren’t ready to see or speak to him at the moment.

That said, you are justified in your own feelings too.

It sounds like you could both benefit from some therapy/counseling especially if you ever decide you are ready to see him again in a more positive fashion.

Info: was any part of the college fund money your mother left you after her passing?

If so then you are infinitely NTJ.” Dusty_Fluff

“I’ve only owned 2 cars in my life. I’m 32, had my 1st car for 10 years, and then traded it into my current small SUV which is now 12 years old and paid off. It runs well and still looks nice – it just has a lot of miles and isn’t trustworthy for longer trips.

Just a ride around town.

My in-laws go through cars like crazy. I think my mother-in-law alone has had over 6 SUVs in the past 8 years. My in-laws have some money, so it really isn’t my business what they do.

Until now… The situation is this:

My husband has had a few cars his parents bought him when he first started driving. A few years ago, he previously purchased his first truck and had it for a few years. We were so proud to do that together.

My father-in-law decided to upgrade his truck, and convince my husband to take over payments of his current lifted Chevy Colorado so they could use his work truck to trade it in for a bigger diesel. At the time, I agreed that this was a good idea to do.

We’ve had the newer truck for a while now and I’ve grown to love it. The title was never shifted to my husband’s name, so basically he was just making the payments.

Now, my father-in-law wants a bronco. He ordered one without saying much to us and then proposes that he takes the Chevy Colorado and trade that truck in for the bronco since it has more equity.

He is basically giving my husband his bigger diesel truck and telling him that he would make the payments for him since he knows we can’t afford it. My husband is used to his parents giving him nice things, but we had one conversation about it and he agreed that he didn’t want to trade in his current truck.

This just makes me feel icky all over that no one included me in this conversation/decision afterward – instead, they hid it from me until the trade happened because they knew I wouldn’t agree with it. It’s a truck we can’t even afford to buy!

Very showy look-at-me truck. Like the other truck, I’m sure we will get compliments about it from strangers/friends, and my husband will act like he bought it himself. Why drive something out of our means? It just doesn’t make sense to me.

Here I am over here just saving, and waiting for the day I can get myself a newer car eventually so I can drive to visit my family (5 hr away) whenever I want to. My husband travels for work so his vehicle is not always an option.

AITJ for being upset about this?

Update: My husband feels as if he owes his father this deal because FIL co-signed for the first work truck back in the day because of little to no credit. ‘If it wasn’t for him helping me, I wouldn’t have these cars’.

He is upset with me thinking he ‘doesn’t deserve’ another upgraded vehicle ~gifted~ by his parents after how much he works. No car deal was made, no bronco was purchased, and I am now to blame because I didn’t agree with it.”

Another User Comments:

“No jerks here. except for your in-laws maybe. As long as your in-laws’ choices don’t affect your finances (I bet the gas is more $$!) I guess as long as hubby is fine with it, it isn’t a big deal. The way you frame it, you’re jealous of your husband’s vehicles being like his parents’: new and hardly used before getting a newer one.

I don’t like the control your in-laws are able to exert on your family, but that’s just me. Free expensive things make me nervous about strings attached. You say your hubby said he didn’t want the new truck, is he just saying that to appease you, or is he just accepting the new truck to appease them?

I don’t know what kind of judgment to give, but I’d be uncomfortable in a relationship like this, but have trouble explaining why. I guess it’s the image of control from people outside the relationship?” But_why_tho456

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

But you and your husband need to stop doing financial/car deals with his family. The two of you have been ‘renting’ that truck. It isn’t yours. So, legally, his dad could come to pick it up tomorrow and you wouldn’t be able to do a darn thing about it.

And if you take the diesel, the exact same thing would happen.

The reality is that while you think your in-laws ‘have some money’, they probably aren’t nearly as well off as you imagine. They have ‘stuff’ and they have payments to make, but they probably don’t have much real financial security.

You’re probably better at handling money than they are. Because you know a bad deal when you hear one.

If you and your husband can afford to do so, your husband should tell his Dad that he really likes the truck he’s been driving.

Your husband should offer to get a (modest) loan from the bank if FIL will sell him the truck. FIL could then trade in the diesel and use the funds from you guys buying the truck to buy his new rig.” teresajs

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Yes, your husband should have discussed this with you. I think that was your main question. But everything else is a mess. If you’re not making payments on this new truck, then appreciate it. You can save what you would’ve been making in payments and put towards your own car in your names only.

The constant trading in is a waste of money but that’s on your in-laws. I’m confused about where you said they took his work truck for trade-in, is that the truck husband bought on his own? If so then, everyone sucks here because you guys could have said no but you thought it was a good idea.

That’s why in-laws think they can keep doing this. If they needed his truck, then these people aren’t that well off. They just keep buying things on credit and won’t have much to show in the end.” TemporaryMeringue714

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here.

Holy crap, that was hard to follow. But it boils down to this, your husband has been driving a vehicle where the title is not in his name. Now FIL wants to trade that vehicle, and give your husband access to another vehicle where that other vehicle also does not have your husband’s name on the title.

Am I right?

Talk about dysfunction. I think the only way this situation could get more screwed up is if you two were to move into FIL’s basement. Then ask FIL permission when you two think you might be ready to start trying to get pregnant.

On a side note, why is your 12-year-old SUV not reliable? My car is a 2001 Nissan. If I wanted to take a cross-country drive of 3000 miles, all I would have to do is top off the tank. I could even skip that part.

(Gas stations are easy to find on the way) It’s not how old your car is or even how many miles are on it. It’s how it has been maintained. I have full confidence in my vehicle, and it’s quite a bit older than yours.

But back on topic. This whole family has serious boundary issues. I can’t believe your hubby is OK with driving (and making payments?) on a car that’s not even his. Wow. Consider mind blown.” Ambitious_Amoeba1992

“My (30M) wife, Jane (F31), took the day off today and went out with her friends. She was back home three hours later (5 o’clock), looking dizzy and wasn’t walking straight. She smelled booze as if she was half wasted.

We married five years ago and dated for three.

I never saw Jane get wasted before. I was concerned about her, so I questioned her if she had been intoxicated and started to check on her and her purse. I was wondering if someone spiked her to rob her or something similar.

Jane said she was fine and had a few drinks. But She couldn’t name her friends (except her best friend) or the pub they had attended. She wouldn’t be so irresponsible to drive while intoxicated. So, I asked her to check her phone.

I wanted to investigate her bank account, photos, and location history to see if they confirmed her claims.

She started to throw a fit because I was controlling and toxic and said she would go to my in-laws’ house. I had preemptively taken the car keys from her, so I told her that she should ask her parents to pick her up.

I couldn’t drive her because someone had to look after our son.

When my in-laws arrived, they started arguing. My mother-in-law sided with Jane, but my father-in-law said his daughter had behaved like a teenager and he wouldn’t support her.

Hence, they left without her.

Jane is sleeping while I’m writing, and she’s getting better. In the end, there isn’t any concrete evidence that someone doped her. And now I’m wondering if I overreacted and was paranoid.

PS: I am the one who keeps track of our finances, so I wasn’t creating an excuse to look over her bank account.”

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. Not for not letting her drive. But because you grossly mismanaged the situation. You say you’ve never seen her wasted before. I would assume you have been inebriated before or at least been around someone who was.

If you never have – then here is what you need to understand – when you are intoxicated you don’t think and react the same way you do when you are sober. You can feel confused, confrontational, and defensive and act totally out of character.

Especially if you don’t usually drink and have no tolerance for the stuff. Interrogating someone who is wasted, the way you did is never, ever going to work.

They are not going to a) understand your point b) feel like you are persecuting them, and c) probably not remember the conversation once they are sober.

You may have had some valid questions and points to make (although jumping to the conclusion she might have been spiked and rolled seems awfully far-fetched, you must be a real worst-case-scenario kinda guy). But you should have waited until she was sober to discuss the episode.

If your wife is normally a rational person, if you had waited until she was sober, she probably would have been harder on herself than you would be. Instead, you got her upset, dragged her parents into something that wasn’t their business, and embarrassed her in front of them.

You need to apologize for all the drama.” introspectiveliar

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, you did the right thing by making sure she could not get back behind the wheel. The thing that struck me is that her parents immediately started arguing.

This kind of points to maybe they have seen this before. I don’t think they’d have that reaction if this was the first time they had seen it. In any case, there are things you can buy that you can take with you to cover your glass to make sure that no one can put anything in it.

If she is going to continue to do lunch dates with her friends that involve being in a place where she could be spiked then she needs to check into those. If it was true that she had three pretty potent drinks, like three Long Islands, then there is another conversation that needs to be had.” CanAmHockeyNut

Another User Comments:

“YTJ – you are supposed to provide her support, that’s one of the marriage vows that you made. You treated her like a child. She is an adult, she had a bit too much to drink, we all make mistakes because we are human.

You could have just trusted what she said and assumed she just had a bit too much because she was having fun with her friends, and wasn’t used to drinking. You could, have helped her get water to rehydrate and sent her off to sleep.

Instead, you made a federal case out of it. You overreacted and then got the in-laws involved. When she eventually sobers up, she is going to be thoroughly embarrassed because you didn’t treat her with a little humility and support.

You acted like a police officer when she needed a husband. How is she ever going to trust you when she really needs you?

You need to apologize to her and her parents for overreacting.” Buttercup303

“My partner and I moved in together about 3 months ago.

Recently we got a joined account for grocery shopping. The plan is that we both put in 210 dollars, so we have 420 for the entire month. This weekend we are having a movie marathon at my brother and SIL’s and I baked a cake, and some buns, and bought some snacks.

We were running low on some staple things such as eggs, milk, and flour, so I bought this as well. I also bought some spring rolls for an easy dinner, as well as a big bag of dates that will last forever and be used for lots of stuff.

It all came to around 70 dollars.

Today, while I was at my brother’s and my partner hadn’t arrived yet, because he didn’t feel like watching four movies in a row, my partner wrote me a message with just my name.

Nothing else. He normally never uses my real name, unless I’ve done something really bad. So my heart instantly started beating faster and I felt kind of sick. He then asked, ‘What have you spent 70 dollars on?’ And I explained that I had bought stuff for the weekend, as well as some staple stuff (My brother and SIL are providing food as well as snacks and soda) He was going on about it being a lot of money and that he didn’t understand how I was even able to spend this much.

I explained to him that the prices are crazy right now and that just the milk, eggs, flour, and butter had been 14 dollars. He then wrote that he felt I was being rude/flippant (not sure how to explain it in English) but in its essence a kind of rude word, which means that I’m not respecting him.

Which I did not feel applied to my behavior whatsoever. I honestly felt like it was the complete opposite.

I am now left with an awful feeling. My parents have always had a dynamic where my dad got mad at my mom when she spend money.

I don’t want this dynamic in my relationship and now I’m kind of afraid that we will end up like that. I realize that 70 dollars are a lot of money, but that’s honestly the time we are living in. At least where we live.

Am I the jerk for spending the money?

EDIT: I feel like I have to add that only about $30 was money spent on the weekend. The rest was for dinner and other necessities. It’s a movie weekend that my partner is also part of.

I paid with our joint account as it was our ‘share’ for the weekend.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ

Your partner would prefer an empty fridge and pantry, just to keep the grocery account looking full? When is the last time he went shopping, himself?

Good for you for finding all that for only $14. I wish I could do the same.

Time for a frank talk with your partner about a reality check about the price of what he and you eat – basic food costs.

If you are restricted to a budget, sounds like potatoes and lentils might become staples at your house, and he’d better not complain. I’m sure you shop the sales, and you are aware that bulk purchases of shelf-stable items can represent significant savings in the long term.

Don’t accept a relationship like your parents’. If your partner can’t respect the reality of food prices once you’ve had your sit-down talk, maybe it’s time for him to find out on his own, what the cost of feeding himself is.” reappearingthread

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. One of the things that really bothers me about this is that he was accusatory right from the start before he knew what you had spent the money on. That’s not healthy communication, regardless of whether you should have spent the money.

It’s like he was watching for you to ‘misstep’ on something so he could attack you. Also, once he knew what you had spent it on, he continued to escalate. He could have suggested that the two of you sit down and hash out what exactly that shared money is for.

Instead, he reacted in a way that was bullying and scary.

That’s not good and I think you should reevaluate whether this is a relationship you should be in. It’s not unreasonable for you to think that what you purchased should have come from that fund.

He may disagree that it wasn’t appropriate. Couples disagree about all sorts of things. But his reaction is worrisome.” Sodonewithidiots

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, that was A LOT of red flags. You being afraid. Him accusing first rather than not just having a conversation.

His thinking of spending money from a joint account is somehow disrespectful to him. You are the one in the relationship so you know if this is a pattern of mistreatment or just a one-off situation. Giving him the benefit of the doubt, which I don’t think he deserves, it might be helpful to sit down and figure out a budget and discuss very clear boundaries on what the joint account can be used for.

For example, let the other one know before making purchases over 50 dollars. But if you decide to make rules like that you both need to agree and it has to apply to both of you.” Snowconetypebanana